What are the Main Symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome in Adults?

Dana Hinders
Dana Hinders
Although children with Asperger's are often bullied growing up, the disorder is typically not diagnosed until adulthood.

Asperger's syndrome is a neurobiological disorder considered to be part of the autism spectrum. The exact cause of the condition is unknown, although many experts believe there is a hereditary component. Asperger's syndrome can affect people of all races and socioeconomic backgrounds, although it is three to four times more common among men. The condition is sometimes called Asperger's disorder, Asperger's, or AS in medical texts.

Adults with Asperger's tend to avoid eye contact and are often awkward in social situations.

People with Asperger’s syndrome may show symptoms throughout their entire lives, but most are not diagnosed until adulthood. People with Asperger’s syndrome were often bullied as children or mocked for their highly unusual interests. However, since many children experience these difficulties, the extent of the problem is seldom recognized until much later.

People with Asperger's often are gifted in math or science.
People with Asperger's often are gifted in math or science.

Essentially, Asperger's syndrome causes behavior that can best be described as “quirky.” Bill Gates, Woody Allen, Bob Dylan, Keanu Reeves, Al Gore, and Garrison Keillor are some of the many notable public figures who experts believe show symptoms of Asperger's syndrome. There is also some evidence to suggest that Albert Einstein and Isaac Newton exhibited the condition as well.

Experts say Microsoft's Bill Gates shows signs of Asperger's syndrome.
Experts say Microsoft's Bill Gates shows signs of Asperger's syndrome.

Impaired social reactions are a key component of Asperger's syndrome. People who suffer from this condition find it difficult to develop meaningful relationships with their peers. They struggle to understand the subtleties of communicating through eye contact, body language, or facial expressions and seldom show affection towards others. They are often accused of being disrespectful and rude, since they find they can’t comprehend expectations of appropriate social behavior and are often unable to determine the feelings of those around them. People suffering from Asperger's syndrome can be said to lack both social and emotional reciprocity.

Adults with Asperger's syndrome may struggle with communication, and other relationship issues.

Although Asperger's syndrome is related to autism, people who suffer from this condition do not have other developmental delays. They have normal to above average intelligence and fail to meet the diagnostic criteria for any other pervasive developmental disorder. In fact, people with Asperger's syndrome often show intense focus, highly logical thinking, and exceptional abilities in math or science.

People with Asperger's syndrome may have inappropriate emotional outbursts.
People with Asperger's syndrome may have inappropriate emotional outbursts.

There is no cure for Asperger's syndrome, but cognitive behavioral therapy, specialized speech therapy and counseling can help alleviate many of the condition’s more troubling symptoms. If they learn to develop the appropriate coping mechanisms, people with Asperger's syndrome are quite capable of getting married, having children, becoming gainfully employed, and leading independent lives.

People with Asperger's may have a hard time understanding nonverbal gestures.
People with Asperger's may have a hard time understanding nonverbal gestures.

In recent years, many of the people who have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome have come to call themselves “aspies” or “Aspergians” in an attempt to reduce the stigma associated with their condition. In fact, there are a growing number of websites dedicated to celebrating Asperger's syndrome as an example of neurodiversity instead of an illness in need of treatment.

Dana Hinders
Dana Hinders

Dana holds a B.A. in journalism and mass communication from the University of Iowa. She has loved being part of the TheHealthBoard team ever since discovering the joys of freelance writing after her son was born. Dana also hones her writing skills by contributing articles to various blogs, as well as creating sales copy and content for e-courses.

Dana Hinders
Dana Hinders


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Discussion Comments


I am 33 and just starting to unravel the mystery that is my Father. He is 80 this year and has never mentioned the word Asperger's in relation to himself, although he is very well read and would not be naive to the subject.


I am 58, currently a software engineer, happily married for 35 years, with Asperger's Syndrome all my life. As a child my parents did not understand me. I had friends. Often they would come to see me and I would tell my mother I did not want to see them.

When I would play with them we would always have to be building something. I was a polymath, and assembled my own chemistry lab at the age of 7. At age 8 I began collecting slime molds and had racks of glassware all over my room. When I was ten I became obsessed with ants and had dozens of handmade ant farms all over my room until my brother knocked over my fire ants and my Mom made me get rid of it all.

Then I moved onto marine biology, mycology, and software engineering. I have always been able to develop relationships one on one, but have a very hard time dealing with groups of people, and when I have had to speak in public, or teach a class, it is always a horrible experience for everyone involved, especially me.

As a child, we moved a lot, and each time we moved, I had to start over, socially. I gradually learned that the humans around me behaved emotionally on a scale that was strongly correlated to what I perceived to be 'protocols'. I found that if I figured out and followed the protocols carefully, I would get cooperative results--when the protocols were not adhered to, the other person became difficult. This made me a student of human behavior and the protocols that determine social interaction. This is something I had to study as a scientist would study insect life.

Human beings are strange to me, but their behavior is highly predictable once you map their patterns of stimulus and response reactions. I have always felt like a creature from another world--with my parents, my siblings, everyone. I was voted the most intellectual member of my senior class in high school, but I dropped out of college after one semester because college was too slow a method of learning, and I believed I already knew more that the professors I encountered and found no teachers there whose guidance I trusted.

I have always been auto-didactic. I was fortunate to find a life partner who appreciated my unique character, and was willing to help me with my lack of social talent. I helped her get an education, undergraduate, graduate degrees and she became a teacher of AP World History. As a child, I was regarded a genius, and treated with very high expectations that were completely wrong for my strengths and weaknesses.

I am intelligent, yes, but that was never my great strength; it was my spontaneous creativity--I simply cannot be governed by repetitive patterns of behavior--I have to find creative ways to speak, act, construct. I am a musical genius. I compose 2 or 3 songs every day. I practice the guitar and have composed almost every day since I was a child--but I always play for myself alone--I never even play for my wife or family and would never play in public.

I play the piano, guitar, and banjo for the past 40 years. I will play with other people, but never in front of other people.

It is very rare that I find someone who I feel I can really communicate with, but I have known several people in my life with whom I could talk. This has been enormously helpful to me. One was the founder of neural net technology, another has been a research fellow at a think tank for the past 25 years, another leads experimental research into new weaponry, another graduated Magna Cum Laude from MIT. With these people, I have been able to be fully myself, and there was nothing we could not discuss--with most people, however,

I have had to moderate my behavior according to the protocols which are most important to them. This is very boring, but I realize I need to be able to collaborate with other people whose neurological orientations are different from my own.

I have been obsessed with matrices of color, and texture, and fragrance since I was a child--with a compulsive fascination with certain combinations of color texture and smell, and an instinctive disgust towards others. These positive/negative cathexis factors have changed over my lifetime--things I hated as a child, such as geraniums and hibiscus, for instance, are now sensory patterns that I love.

I cannot go into places like shopping malls or cafeterias--my senses are overwhelmed and I become disoriented. I cannot tolerate aromas like perfumes which is annoying to my children.

My main point is that we Aspergians need to be understood and appreciated for who and what we are. I have learned to develop relationships with all kinds of people and have worked in all kinds of jobs, but I have very, very few friends -- not that that bothers me -- it bothers my wife, but most people think of me as eccentric, and my social weaknesses can be very off putting for most people.

The world can be challenging for Aspergians to adapt to, but adaptation is possible, when you bring your capacity for observation to bear. I still prefer solitude and working on complex problems on my own, but I know that other people exist and have rights and needs, and I have learned somewhat how to navigate that. It helps, I think, if you explain your situation a little, but for many people, it is easy to become a stereotype with them, and they adjust their expectations accordingly. This is horribly unfair and generally incorrect, and limits the creative possibilities. I find most humans are afraid of the unfamiliar. It's called misoneism.


LuvAS Thank you. And you too are wonderful. It's rough out there.

@anon142460: Are you married and alone, or are you living alone? Even those without Aspergers are troubled people; like I said, we all need help. Tell us about one aspect of your condition. Maybe we can help you unriddle it. You're on the "inside" and us on the "outside," maybe we can figure out what to do. Truly.


anon142460: don't ever say that it's too late for you. It's not. I am sorry that you have been lonely and I am sure that you are a wonderfully eccentric and cool person! Keep posting here where we can all talk to each other.

Is2010, I wish that Wisegeek would let us share links because there have been so many times I've wanted to share information from the web that I've found or even just send you a thought here and there. Just know that I relate to just about all of your posts and I'm praying that you and your husband are doing OK.


Thanks to everyone who wrote in this blog. Everyone's comments have gotten us this far. I'm noticing that now, some of you are bringing out the importance of being selfless.

In this world of "me first," we find too many selfish people who just want their own needs filled. We can't expect to jump into a relationship and just get, get.

But for all those including me, who came here to vent, it's not a sin. I'm sure that all those here are doing extensive research of all kinds, even in our own hearts. It's not about who's right or wrong. Nobody is perfect. We all need help.


It's too late for me now. I'm 64, and I only found out last year that I am very high on the "Asperger's index". This knowledge could have saved me years of being regarded as "weird" or "eccentric" if I had been exposed to coping mechanisms. I have had a lonely life.


To #292. I read your post and your plight touched my heart. How old are you? Your mindset seems very much like mine when I was first with my husband.

I was open-minded and was very drawn to him, he was handsome, seemingly-stable, devoted to me, and didn't ask for anything in return. I felt beautiful because he loved me with such an intensity I had never seen in anyone but myself (I'm an Aspie woman). Reading and hearing about his condition is one thing, but living it is a very different story. Your boyfriend has learned a way of blending in and learning how to interact with people, to "mimic". It is a facade, it's fake, it's a coping mechanism that is common for all Aspies who want to fit into society but can't.

You are relatively new. He won't let down his walls for at least a year or more, maybe never. But you can't expect anyone to keep pretending simply because you want them to. And when the wall does come down, simply telling him is not going to change the fact that he can't keep faking it; it takes too much energy. Demanding what you want will only make him resentful and will make him wonder why he should keep acting for someone who doesn't see, accept or is willing to live with the real him.

Reading your post, I saw how much you expect him to change. Having expectations like that for someone will only set you up for heartbreak. Love is not about how the other person makes you feel. Love isn't about you at all, not one little bit. Love is about him. It's always about the other person. Love is about personal sacrifice. Love is about learning and growing and changing the parts about you that are damaging to the relationship so that you are the woman that he wants to come home to.

Love is not getting what you asked for and still giving him what he needs. Love is accepting him for him, without his "mimics".

Love doesn't make you a doormat. You can still tell him what you cannot live without and he can decide whether you are worth the effort. You both need to decide that together. You both need to stop looking at it as an "illness". It is simply a neurological difference from the rest of society. And his child doesn't need to be "introduced to human nature." They need to be introduced to self-love, self-esteem and adults who help them feel like they are not abnormal in being different and he doesn't need to pretend to be someone different to be understood and valued.


Oh, where to start? Let's see. I was married five years ago to a man who only had recently found out he had aspergers.

When he was a child, no doctors knew what to make of such a quiet child, with blank expressions and a tendency to not ever smile. He was alienated by society, family, his own parents even. He grew up, locked inside his head, unable to communicate with the world around him, desperately wishing he could. Often, the only way for him to escape from his own head and express his needs was to boil over and the anger would force it all out.

For all the women posting on here with men that exasperate them, let me give you a little bit of wisdom. For all of you who feel that you don't get enough emotional closeness, for those of you who are fed up with the strange emotional outbursts, for those of you who are ready to throw up your hands and give you a piece of your minds, please, stop and breathe. If you don't already know, people don't do anything at random; we all have unseen forces that drive us. Many people, myself previously included, are lost.

When you don't know what drives you, how can you learn to alter your behavior it or stop it? Most people with aspergers don't realize that people don't see, feel and experience the world in the way that they do. Just like a neurologically average individual cannot comprehend what it is like to live with Aspergers.

But you will find yourself with one of two choices. One, you really look deep into the man you are with and decide that you really don't feel like you are in a marriage with the right person anyway and you get out of it (sincerely, don't beat yourself up, it happens all the time and it takes bravery to admit to such a situation). Or two, you see the man you fell in love with inside him, he has so many quirks you might feel overwhelmed, but you see and feel love for the beautiful, wonderful soul that you found and realize that he is very unique and worth every bit of hard work and sacrifice and love you have to give. At that point, it's time you get over yourself and think about what you can do for him. Don't mistake this with making yourself into a doormat. You still need to be assertive, not argumentative, about your own needs. You should realize that you will suffer, and he will too; it is unavoidable, even in a "normal" relationship, but he doesn't do what he does to intentionally hurt or irritate you.

You need to learn how to be the best communicator you can be, get in touch with your own feelings and learn how to be assertive with what you need and how to verbalize in a non-combative way.

Now, you might say, "who me? I'm great at communication, why on earth should I do anything? He's the one with the problem!" Here's the thing, and please try to look at this with an open mind and heart. If you were a fantastic communicator and assertive and non-combative, then why is it that you feel the need to vent your frustrations online to a bunch of strangers? I understand. I used to do stuff like that too. I had so much frustration built up and instead of doing the healthy thing and discussing it with him, I let it out elsewhere because I was intimidated and I was to put it bluntly, a chicken. Unseen fear was driving me.

He and I were more alike than I had previously anticipated. I took a hard look at myself and decided that nothing would ever progress if we both didn't give 100 percent of ourselves. If he confuses you, go to him with love when something happens and ask him questions so you might understand more. You might get an idea of what other people go through on here, but only he can show you a glimpse of what an amazingly complex and wonderfully loving and feeling person he is, despite his indifferent or callous exterior.

I know for a fact he has felt misunderstood, misread, looked over, unloved and lonely all his life. Even if you can't walk in his shoes and can't see inside his heart yet and have a true understanding and compassion, you can still look inside yourself and find a way to push aside your own anger and frustration and get back in touch with your love.

If you come to him with that love and sympathy and compassion, he will respond in kind.You must practice patience and be tenacious. If you fail, get up, take a lesson from it and try again. Remember when you said for better or worse. Worse can be beyond your worst nightmares. For better will be like a little glimpse of heaven on Earth.

Follow your heart, not your head, which will make you second guess yourself and make you scared. Don't worry about looking like a fool to other people. Learn to be optimistic and find some little nugget of gold and wisdom from each bad experience.

If you are not the one to go the distance with him, and to be the one to understand him, love him, and be the woman he wants to come home to, gracefully and kindly bow out and step aside so he can find the one who will.


From the parent of an asperger's child, now 21, who was adopted at age five.

Our child was diagnosed at age five. (God bless the therapist who asked the right questions)

Is she sensitive to smells? Our child would smell literally every spoon full of food, every book we read, everything she touched had to be smelled before we could move on with it.

Is she sensitive to rough textures? She would not wear jeans until she was 18 years old. Even today, will not wear a regular pair of shoes – only soft slip ons. Also would not sleep between sheets – only on a bare mattress with a blanket.

We were confused for many years in trying to separate adoption issues from asperger's issues. Now that asperger's is more well known and identified as more common than originally thought, I hope that others will benefit from my comments.


#293, this sounds a lot like my friend. He is that way. Loving to his dog but not me or people in general, it seems, goes away for days and doesn't want to talk or see me, rude and then shocked that anyone thinks he's rude, correcting grammar even though I taught grammar, obsessed with certain movies and wants me to watch them over and over, not interested in sex and won't talk about sex and so on.

He wants me to say affectionate things to him but won't respond in kind. I guess he just likes to listen. I wish I had answers for you but all I can say is that again, it could be AS with another pre-existing condition like in my friend's case.

It's so hard to tell but it's all familiar to me and I'm sure many other women and men on here.


re: post 293, #1. I just have a small correction. I did not tell him not to *ever* contact me. The point is, he took what I said very literally and actually waited five years to reconnect with me.

Let me also add that he cannot deal with being around people. I didn't grow up with him and do not know his family, but one day when his brother was visiting the city where we live, he called me and gave the phone to his brother so I could say hello to him. I said, "Maybe next time xxxxx will invite me to meet you." His brother replied, "I hope so, but I am sure you know my brother well enough to know that he doesn't do very well in social situations."


I have a friend, on-again off-again pseudo-boyfriend who is different. Until I read these posts, I was convinced that he has Asperger’s syndrome. Now I am not so sure. I would like to post some anecdotes so that those of you who are familiar with Asperger’s can give me your opinion. It is important for me to know if he is an insensitive jerk with low self-esteem or can’t help it.

Let me start by saying that he is really smart. He speaks five languages and got a law degree recently because he was interested in law, but he works in the cell phone technology industry. I mention this because he doesn’t have an interest in math or science as far as I can tell.

1. I got angry at him in 2005 for his insensitivity and told him, “Don’t call me again. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next year, not five years from now.” Exactly five years later, he contacted me on Facebook. I have always thought that was bizarre.

2. Before we got together in person, he was calling me incessantly even though I didn’t answer his calls. It was borderline harassment. He didn’t take any hints, and in fact, as the examples below will show, it seems uncharacteristic of someone like him.

3. On Facebook, he used to do/say obnoxious things like correct my grammar and even my Persian grammar when he saw me talking to my Iranian friends in Persian. He doesn’t do it anymore because I told him that my sister commented on his rudeness. He was sincerely upset at the idea that he had done anything rude even though it was clear to everyone that he was being a jerk.

4. He lives alone and has never married. The longest relationship he has been in was three years long (he is 38 years old). He likes being alone and even though now and then he wants me to visit him, I can’t see him more often than once every four days.

I saw him one night last week and the next day I sent him an email asking if I could bring him some Christmas cookies. He replied, “Please wait a few days.”

5. Once he met this woman who told him that he didn’t make enough money to date her but they could be friends. I said, “What? Why would you want to befriend someone like that?” He replied, “She is just being honest. Maybe she needs money for travel or something.”

6. Now and then, when I am talking to him, he says, “uh hu, uh hu, uh huh” very quickly as though he is waiting for me to shut up.

7. He has a dog that he loves more than anything. It is clear that he loves the dog, yet he is not very affectionate towards me. So I know he is capable of affection.

8. When I visit him, he makes me watch several episodes of Glee back-to-back that he has already seen. In fact, he is kind of obsessed with Glee. This precedes sex.

9. He is painfully shy, always very very kind to me in person, but it is obvious that he doesn’t like to be touched unless it was his idea. He doesn't like to kiss at all.

10. If I tell him that I love him, it annoys him. If I send him any text messages in which I share my feelings about him, (even if just sexual) he will text me back saying, “Please stop.” This is the most hurtful thing he has done to me. I am guessing that this is atypical.

I get the impression that someone with Asperger’s would be apathetic to something like that and not necessarily annoyed by it.

11. Once he had a date with another woman. I asked him how it was, and he went on and on about the food and wine as though I had asked about the restaurant.

12. He sent me a static-cling advertisement once just because I asked him if I could visit him when I had just seen him the day before. It was weird, but I know that Asperger's individuals have difficulty with metaphor, so this makes me wonder.


I have just started dating someone who has told me from the beginning that he has Asperger's. The first thing I did was research this condition and found out all I could about it. He is 52 and we have had many discussions on his 'condition'.

He says that he has learned to deal with and cope with this illness and he learns things by watching people interact. From the research I have done, I know that he has Asperger's, however he is the nicest person I have met. He is not making me promises he can't keep. He is not giving me any false hopes. He has always been honest and genuine about everything.

I get the repetitive conversation and he can't always look me straight in the eye. He has compulsive behavior and needs routine and everything, but as he has learned how to 'behave' and interact over the years, I believe we can have a normal relationship.

I may have to teach him some things along the way, however he's the only man who makes me feel beautiful or does things that make me feel special.

Some of you have said this only lasts a little while, but I will let him know if he slackens off on these things and hopefully he will find this helpful. His 14 year old son also has Asperger's and I am looking forward to helping him learn human nature.

At this stage, I don't have a problem with my new love. In fact, as I said, he is the only man in my life who has truly made me feel beautiful, even though he points out all my faults! I am also looking forward to developing a really close relationship with him.


@sadintheCity: There is a group getting started, but I am not sure that Wisegeek allows us to post other web addresses. I personally find it unfair as we are trying to support and help each other. If you look up Asperger's support, you should be able to find something.

I relate to everything that you said in your post and I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt. I know the feeling all too well.

To the Aspie who said you do not suffer, I understand how you feel too, because as much as my Aspie friend hurts me and others, I realize the majority of it is because we NT's think differently. I don't believe Aspies shut us out or are cold with malicious intent, but I do believe that if an NT and an Aspie are going to be in a relationship that both people need to compromise and make adjustments (if possible) to help each other.

Of course, I wouldn't expect my AS friend to change something that he can't help doing, but I would like it if maybe he would acknowledge how I felt about it and then I would be more than happy to do the adjusting.


In response to post 270 and others like it. I have been dating an undiagnosed Aspie for over three years now. I have felt so alone at times that I have been sick over it. It helps so much to see that I am not the only one out there going through this, my boyfriend would like me to think.

He has all of the symptoms and tells me that every therapist, doctor, etc. have told him that he is not an Aspie. I have to disagree because I work in the autism field and see children with Aspergers every day. He is very manipulative he lies constantly to cover up for his wrongs.

He is very intelligent, a senior computer programmer. He has one friend whom he speaks at length to on the same topic and doesn't understand it when people don't engage him in conversation.

It has come to the point where I have to warn people ahead of time before they meet him that he may be offensive. He comes off to others as annoying and rude. Like I have read with others, he is always right.

Our sex is "robotic." He tells me that he loves me and cares for me but never touches me or kisses me. This makes me feel so very undesirable and unloved. He often will pick fights that he knows he will win just for fun.

Please someone, give me some advice. I am really thinking of leaving him since he is unable to move on in his life. He has a routine and will not deviate from that path.

He lacks empathy for everyone, especially children and my family, which is very upsetting. I do love him and see that this might not be all his fault but all of the therapy in the world is not helping him and I need to move on with my life.

Does anyone have any suggestions about support groups online that I could join? --Sadinthecity


Wisegeek, you should definitely change the wording of this article. Nobody "suffers" from Aspergers. Asperger's is simply a different way of experiencing the world. It has its advantages and disadvantages, but the majority of Aspies wouldn't have it any other way.


@anon137146: When I first came to Wisegeek I was so confused and hurt. I didn't know what to think about my male friend. I will tell you this though: if Asperger's Syndrome is the only problem then you are lucky and let me tell you why. My friend has Asperger's and a mental disorder along with it. I will tell you that it makes everything so much worse.

I find AS very hard to cope with, but in comparing AS to the mental illness, I choose the AS. lol. From what I've learned, the majority of Aspies have another condition along with it -- called "comorbidity". Does your husband seem to have any other problems? I'm telling you all of this just to make sure that you look into other things before labeling him with Asperger's Syndrome.

The routine and the same thing day in and day out, like topics of conversation etc., are symptoms of AS, and as for the gas in the car, well, did you not putting the gas in somehow mess up his schedule? Maybe that's why he was angry? My friend never admits that he's angry even though it is so completely obvious.

This post could go on for miles so I'm going to stop now, but thought I'd suggest to you that, before you tell your husband that he is Asperger's, that you may want to look at the big picture and do more research before you do. Good luck!


I can’t believe what I’m reading! My husband is exactly like most of your husbands. I’m married for 21 years and never really understood why he is the way is he. He’s very loyal, however, but does not like to socialize and when he does, he never looks at the person in their eyes. He’ll look at me while talking to that person. It’s extremely embarrassing for me because I know that the person is aware of this.

He also is extremely over the top, routine-oriented. It’s the same thing every day and night. Talks about the same things over and over again. It’s really amazing. Just this evening, I came home and didn’t fill the car up with gas and I told him I would. Well, you would think I put a flame to my house and set it afire. He stormed upstairs and was so mad. When I asked him I did something wrong or was it because I didn’t fill the car up he said, “I told you I wasn’t mad. I just wanted to come upstairs.” It’s really driving me and my family crazy. I just don’t know what to do. Should I tell him he has Aspergers? I’m losing my mind.


My friends have always told me that I tell my jokes in a very flat, monotone voice, so they can't always tell whether I'm serious or sarcastic. I've always had trouble reading subtle facial and body cues, I can only "read" people for sure if it's very obvious.

When I'm not sure, and I feel like I'm expected to say something, it's usually off topic and I get strange looks. The most common words my friends describe me with are "weird" and "quirky", with "oddball" coming in a close third.

I've always found it hard to connect with people, but when I do I make good friends and I am a pretty good friend in return. I'm sure I could be more giving emotionally, but I've just never been able to talk about my feelings, not without joking. Usually I will do anything to get in a good sarcastic comment to diffuse an emotionally serious moment.

When a friend calls to ask me to go somewhere, two out of three times I make some excuse, because I dread being in crowds of people. After a few hours spent in a bar or a club, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from constant interaction with people, whether I know them well or not, at the end of those few hours I'm ready to go home and be by myself.

I connect better with animals, especially dogs. I love dogs because all they want is my attention, or food. I don't have to guess with them.

I'm not good at math, but I am interested in science, I like to read about all different kinds of science, genetics, paleontology, astronomy, archeaology. But my real interests are art, history, photography, and writing.

When I was a kid I spent countless hours drawing, copying comic book figures and cartoon characters. I loved making geometric patterns on graph paper. In fifth grade I wrote a 12 page short story when the teacher told us we only had to do three. In sixth grade I tested at a 12th grade reading level.

I had remedial math, but advanced English, literature, and creative writing classes.

I did not, and still do not, enjoy sustained loud noises or bright lights. I had periods of depression as a teenager, and I get them as an adult, mostly because I do sometimes feel intense loneliness. I need to be with other people, but I also have a great need to be alone. It's hard to find a balance between the two.

I also have a hearing problem. I can't hear whispers, and if there is any background noise when a person is talking to me, I will not be able to make out what they are saying.

I listen intently to people, because the content of what they say gives me more clues than their face and body language. When someone talks to me, I can't just sit and look at them, and listen to their conversation. I have to do something else too. I figured out a long time ago that when I do that, the person talking thinks I'm not listening, so I frequently remind them that I am listening by repeating the last sentence or two of conversation.

I can point out every place I've ever parked in a large parking lot surrounding the mall, I can remember every license plate on every car my family has owned.

When I was a kid I was picked on pretty badly, and I could never figure out what I had done to make the other kids be cruel to me. It only started to get really bad in fifth grade, and ended in ninth grade. I had a horrible time in middle school, but high school was very fun for me.

Someone suggested Asperger's syndrome to me a while ago. After reading numerous descriptions of it, it sounds like it might apply to me, but I don't know.


I believe I have mild asperger syndrome. When I was a child it was severe and forced me to withdraw and I developed selective mutism as a result. Then as I grew older and became a teenager it became more moderate and I still had social anxiety. It made high school a difficult experience for me.

Now that I'm 24, I feel that it's become mild right now as I can socialize with people, but it takes effort to get my body language, tone of voice, and social skills right. I think it's possible for people with asperger syndrome to adapt into society to a different extent. It just takes hard work and practice.

As for women complaining about husbands with AS that don't care for them. I'm kind of in the middle of this, I think with any relationship it's about compromising half way.

The husband needs to learn that some of his odd behaviors are unacceptable and can irritate her. However, on the other hand, the wife needs to learn to be more tolerable with some insignificant habits that her husband has.


Hello there, neurotypical earthlings. I am an alien from the planet Aspergera. I am 23 years old and a friendly, helpful, loyal friend. I am very sensitive to the things neurotypical earthings like some people reading this blog say and do and can appear to be unforgiving at times.

Do not kill us, earthlings! You need us. I sometimes see things differently. I am sensitive to touch. It can be good or bad depending on if i am ready for it.

The point that my people would like to make is that if we had never been allowed to be born, then humans would be still living in caves and eating raw meat. If you make a test and allow people like my people to be killed before birth then your people will not be a fair society and you may cause untold war.

Where does it end? When everyone alive is normal, then the human race is extinct. Because you kill one group then another until only one group exists. Then that group kills its weakest members until only one person lives. Alone. Because normal doesn't exist in that way. Everyone is human. Logical!

To be a fair society, everyone must be allowed to play their part and have respect for everyone else even if you don't see the same things we do.

Respect the differences. They make us earthings too. We are alien because you make us alien. We are not aliens, really! We were born on planet earth. Take us into society! And let us help you!

Fellow neurotypical earthings, (and i am going to tell you what I think of the word neurotypical). The word neurotypical makes me sound like a robot. Robots are human. I am human. Robots think logically. I think logically. If robots take over the world, people with Aspergers are less likely to be killed by the robots. Neurotypicals? Not so lucky! Robots don't speak neurotypical speech. They speak my people's speech. Logic! Farewell people and hope for friendly robots.


I'm sorry for all you women out there, not for the men. They do know how to take care of themselves. They will be all right. If they're not taking care of you, well then, you have to do what ever you have to, to stay afloat. Protect yourselves. I know it feels as if you're a single person because they're not interested in us. Take advantage of those moments to do something for yourself.

My husband too is obsessed with money. Ever since we got married, he hasn't contributed to the household. I still continue to pay for the bills that I had prior to the marriage. I keep asking him to step up and take the lead but he doesn't. He doesn't even want to discuss it. I told him last month that I wasn't going to pay the house mortgage for two months because of my daughters wedding. He said OK. But this month is along the way out and he hasn't paid or given me any money to pay for it.

I think that these two months I'm not going to pay the house nor utility bills. If they turn off the power well, too bad. I'm going to freeze.


Re: 280 comment. I'm sure my husband is Aspie. In fact, I'm positive his Dad is too. I stumbled upon this some time ago, and all the comments, and personal stories here below, especially 280 ring a bell for me. Thanks for sharing your stories. Not sure what I can do to survive this in my marriage. I've got two kids.

What is worse, is that he often bestows huge affection on the kids but refuses it for me. But the kids are small yet, I wonder will this continue when they grow up and challenge him. Can I stick this all my married life. I too had cancer, like a previous contributor to this section, but he showed no support whatsoever. That was very hurtful.

Also, he is obsessed with his work. Highly specialised. Very popular in the community, would go any lengths to help others because he knows its a good thing to do, but when it comes to home life, would die before he'd do something to please or suit me.

Also accused me of bullying him (as I have a strong personality, and don't take much crap). But now, I see the bigger picture, question is, do I want to live with this forever or do I need (esp. for the sake of the kids) to move onwards and upwards? Only one life to live, etc. Did say it to him before about AS, but he dismissed it, think I'm going to raise it again as the more I read about it, the more I'm certain he has it. It might help me or even us to cope with his odd social behaviors and lack of interest in me, my work, my life, my career, or me as a person, as for giving social ques when talking, it's akin to talking to a teenager, because all you get is 'hum' at the best of times.

Sees no point in holidays, seeing current affairs and what goes on elsewhere in the world; and is freakish about controlling money. It all adds up for me anyhow. Thing now is, what do I do from now on, how do I cope. What is the best course of action? I will seek further professional help and assistance and see. Thanks. CRGF8


Would someone please freaking help me or just leave me alone, let me just be me.


I truly wish more counseling professionals were trained to recognize this condition. I feel that my marriage could have been saved if my therapist or marriage counselor had zeroed in on a diagnosis of my husband. As it was, I so often felt lonely and rejected. There was no parity in sharing everyday life experiences with each other. He would not share. There was no sex or physical affection for years, and any overture in that direction I made was rebuffed.

I felt unattractive and unloved. When I expressed these things to him he would be completely silent, look down in his lap, or leave. If pressed, he would become angry and lay the blame at my feet. My husband is brilliant, and could be sweet and kind. I loved him and wanted to try whatever it took to salvage our family. But he also has a passive-aggressive side that can be very hurtful.

We have a 12-year old son who thankfully, is very in touch with his feelings, intuitive and communicative. My husband was a wonderful father to him when he was little, but as he grew and increasingly became his own person, their relationship became more and more strained. I felt as if I was always playing peacekeeper between them. I would try and take my husband aside and explain how his curt, impatient behavior was affecting our son and pushing him away.

When my husband got a very high profile job, it became his life, his new obsession, (he had other intense "special interests" before). He got all his satisfaction from his job and withdrew more and more from the family. His intellect has enabled him to learn how to navigate the world and he's personable with casual colleagues, but has no friends. He saved all his aggression for me and my son.

He moved out suddenly a year and a half ago and I am coming to terms with the dissolution of our family, but my son wants nothing to do with him. My husband blames my son's alienation on me, because everything is my fault. When a friend suggested to me that he thought my husband had Aspergers, I had never heard of it before.

When I read an account of an AS/Non AS marriage on the website Aspires, it was if they were describing my life. When I asked my husband to read the article and asked him if he saw parallels to us, he got very upset and yelled, "I don't have Aspergers."

I believe if my son and he could meet this possibility head on, they could salvage their relationship through honest counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy. Sadly, for our marriage, I feel too damaged, emotionally abused and depressed. I'm struggling to reconnect with the person I feel I used to be.

I have to say to the people out there contemplating marriage and family to someone with AS, you have to ask yourself how important emotional support and intimacy is to you. Don't take it on without some professional support.


Well, everyone has to choose to stay or run from it. No one should tell anyone what to do. If you ran and if that was good for you, well then wonderful. But some of us choose to stick it out for different reasons. As for me, I married him for bad or good. He hasn't committed adultery, which is the only reason I'd leave him.

I have also tried to play his own game and true, it doesn't work. He seems to shut down even more when I act like him. I think that is why he married me -- because I'm a stronghold, something he just might need in his life. Unfortunately, I'm like his mother.


I was married to an aspie for 14 years who never said my name, never said I love you, never looked directly at me.

I thought I was ugly, unattractive, stupid and undeserving of love. For a long time, his idea of playing with me was hitting large insects with darts and chasing me around the house with them. He never understood why I didn't enjoy his "game' until I caught a bug and chased him with it. He didn't find it funny.

I thought from that experience that the way to make him understand how I felt was to do the same things to him that he did to me, but it didn't work.

First of all, I couldn't possibly bring myself to show total indifference to him and everybody else in the world.

Secondly, he didn't seem to notice if I ignored him. If anything, he may have been relieved. Anyway, I have been divorced from him for more than 20 years, but the emotional scars have never healed, partly because I have to watch as my adult children have to endure the pain of his indifference.

My advice is: if your aspie doesn't recognize his condition and want to understand and change his behavior, at least so that you are not hurt, drop him like a bad habit, get counseling and move on. It may not be his fault, but the rest of us need emotional interaction and a feeling of being loved and he can't or won't provide it. I wish this forum had been around 30 years ago. Thanks to all for your posts.


Wow, reading some of the comments is just amazing. My dad, I've just realized must have Asperger's. I see in your stories so many reflections in him. He never appreciated her, always put her down, never helped her with anything and everything was always her fault. Once, we all had food poisoning, and he pretended to as well so he didn't have to look after us.

He would spend hours on the computer or the toilet reading, going to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning. Thankfully after 30 years they split up but now my brother and myself find that we are the ones that have to counsel him but he never takes any of our advice.

He's got subjects that he talks non-stop about (boxing, maths, certain music composers, war history) and you just sit there while he just talks. He's unable to take any social cues for inappropriate subjects (talking about BJ's and S&M with your daughter?) or when people try to change the subject.

I can spend all day with him and we only do what he wants to do, and he won't ask me how I am or what is going on in my life. Presents that he's given me over the years are always ones that he has interest in. He craves company, but not to actually connect with people, it's more just a distraction from his life. He just wants to talk about his interests and that's it, making it difficult to make friends.

He hates doing mundane tasks such as simple cleaning or collecting the post. If two days go by and he hasn't gotten his mail, he freaks out because it starts to pile up.

I always thought that was just my dad, but it's comforting to know there are others out there dealing with the same things. I still love him, but I've learned that I have to look after myself. I spend time with him, but I don't emotionally engage with him, because I'd constantly be let down.


I can SO relate to many of these posts! Poster 270 remarked that reminders to get things done around the house are met with anger - so true. And robotic sex. After an unwarranted tirade, or more commonly, the continued harping about my many infractions - how can he expect a wife would be inclined to get close? Especially when we never touch throughout the day?

Another poster mentioned how anything that goes wrong is her fault. My husband invents wrongs. When the garage door goes up in the evening, I steel myself against what he will find to criticize.

Returning home from a 10 day visit out of state with family, I was greeted with accusations of being a spendthrift and a being racist for finding a cool vintage cement lawn jockey for the backyard garden - for $25. Control of my spending is always an issue - and I shop Goodwill and garage sales a lot.

He's in the top 2 percent of earners with a secure job, so what gives? Another poster mentioned sense of humor, but with a goal to annoy - oh yeah.

An Asperger's diagnosis could hit him in the head and he'd deny he had any of the characteristics. According to him, our marriage troubles are strictly due to my mental health problems and he has no issues. In any case, our daughters tell me they'd never marry a man like their father, and that's sad. Hang in there, ladies!


I am pretty sure my husband has Aspergers. Lack of physical affection, sitting constantly with his nose in his laptop and sticking to the subject for a long time.. right now it's recipes and how many he can "collect."

He is 66 years old and has had one failed marriage and one wife died. I honestly question my own sanity for marrying him, as we dated for two years and had some very tough scenes. His grandson has been diagnosed from a very young age with Asperger's. His son seems "normal." Does it skip generations?


anon129585, I know exactly what you mean. My friend/boyfriend is undiagnosed too as far as I know. I have no idea if ever in his life he was diagnosed, because he refuses to admit that anything is wrong.

I haven't mentioned AS to him because to be honest, I'm afraid to. I don't know if it would make him feel better or put him into a depression or make him even more passive-aggressive. Some people say that all Aspies are the same in that they cannot socialize. Well, my Aspie socializes but he makes everyone annoyed!

Like you said and others have mentioned the talking about the same things, repeating things over and over. There is hardly ever a two way conversation. It's like he monopolizes the whole talk and then if I say something he doesn't agree with he criticizes and becomes frustrated. It is so stressful!

Like Is2010 mentioned, no gifts for her in only seven months of marriage. I have noticed the very same thing. My friend never gets me anything and has only recently suggested giving me a gift. I find that the stress is with the lack of affection, compliments and just telling me that he cares. I tell him every day that I wish he would, but he changes the subject. It's like he is afraid to talk about feelings and emotions. The only ones he talks about are anger, frustration or happiness and only pertaining to his interests.

Like you said also, he is never wrong. Nothing is ever his fault and he seems to not understand my feelings whatsoever, no matter how many times I've tried to explain the pain I feel or the neglect. The other night he did finally show some feelings. It was like Christmas! Then the next day he acted like the night before never happened. Here we are celebrating Thanksgiving today and he hasn't called or contacted me in any way. I have left him about six messages and he hasn't responded.

We have talked about him doing that too. He gets so wrapped up in his things that he can't seem to see, hear or care about anything else. Another big issue for us is that he misunderstands 90 percent of what is being said due to taking things literally so he ends up frustrated or upset because he takes things the wrong way. It seems I spend much of my time explaining to him what things mean. He can't read peoples emotions and when he does, he reads them all wrong.

I am very patient with him, kind and loving so to have a place like this to come to talk to you guys is great support. Some people get annoyed on here thinking that we are being mean to our Aspies but the truth is that we need support too.

I think it's better to come here to blow off steam or talk about our pain than to take it out on our significant others, so at least we are taking a healthy approach to helping each other keep our sanity in a very stressful and lonely situation.


Thank god i have found a place that I can relate to. I have been married for 25 years to a man whom I believe has AS (undiagnosed). I am never right, e.g., if i were to have a argument with someone, he would immediately blame me. Anything that went wrong with the children growing up, it was my parenting, because in his eyes he was the bread winner. Did i mention that I have worked for most of my married life?

If there is ever a mishap, it's my fault. E.g., my teenage son drove my old ute, and a couple of days later it had a leak from the radiator. Well my husband immediately said that my son had been dropping howlys in the ute and that's why it had a leak, which is not true.

Life is very stressful living with an AS person. No emotion or understanding of my feelings. Some typical examples of behavior are repeating the same stories over and over, always talking about his family, not me and our two children, but his parents and brothers and sisters. Whenever we go anywhere there is always stress prior to leaving to the point of a family argument. It is becoming almost unbearable.


Don't feel so bad. I've just been married seven months and my husband hasn't bought me a single gift of any sort.

He loves plants and when he buys a plant of whatever sort, he plants it and he says its mine and that the flowers it gives are my gift. Sounds romantic, but I know he really bought them for himself.

I asked him the other day why he has never bought me a gift and he said, "You wouldn't like it." Then he never talked about it again.

As far as flirting, I don't have that problem but I am beginning to notice that he pays extra attention to women. He says he's not jealous and so figures I should feel as he does. I don't.


Thank you for the post Chip, and welcome to the conversation!

I have a question for everyone. My undiagnosed Aspie friend doesn't flirt. I may have mentioned this before. When we first met he would tell me that I'm beautiful and would very lightly say flirtatious things but since he "got me" so to speak those days are over. I have asked him many times to pay me compliments or show some sort of I guess you could call it man-woman interaction, you know like with words but he says no and that it's weird.

He is almost 40 so I can't understand why he would say it's weird. I can't understand this. Does anyone have anything to say that might give me a clue as to what this means and if it's an Aspie trait for some?


Help! I don't know what to say. I believe my husband has something. Anti-Social, passive aggressive, Aspergers. High intelligence. But he literally is out of touch. He says he has been living inside his head. What does that mean? We have been married 20 years. The last ten have been awful. I have two boys, now teenagers. They are both bright, but have empathy, eye contact and laugh.

He has bullied me. Won't look me in the eye. Makes me write things down. I can't tell him if something needs to get done. Ex. Cutting the lawn for Mother's Day. He got so made at me and didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. I have been going to a domestic violence shelter for 2 years now. Abusive? I don't know. Lack of affection, won't even kiss me, even when I ask! Literally pushes me away. He says he loves me and that I am beautiful, but his actions say something else. I have gotten my affection and love from my sons for the last 10 years. However, they are now teenagers. Kids get older, and so did I. Time for them to lead their own lives. College soon.

Sex is robotic. I have stopped that for the last year. It feels like I am being used. Almost abusive. Someone actually had to tell me this behavior towards me is abusive and harming me. I had breast cancer and he was not supportive. I couldn't even talk to him about it.

I feel so alone. I have been to the lawyer, but I couldn't understand until I came to this section. I think this is what he has. Highly intelligent. Programmer. Excels at his job. He works at home and doesn't leave the house for days. Doesn't bother him. Malls and grocery stores cause anxiety for him. I have been sending him out on small trips to get him out of the house and be more independent. I have asked him to stop coaching my sons in baseball. But he sneaks in behind my back. This has been going on for seven years. He promises he won't, but then does it anyway. He is passive-aggressive. Has severe psoriasis. He is a control freak. I don't know. My counselors say he has odd behaviors.

Thank you for listening. Being on the other side is difficult. He shows no emotion. Even when his mom died and when his brother died. He is okay with kids and animals. I used to be jealous of the dog! No manners. Never opens the door. Barely says thank you. Walks ahead of women. I have to constantly remind him.

Thanks, everyone. I am just confused. I am also emotionally drained and exhausted. Horrible migraine headaches weekly. Aches and pains I cannot describe. Stress is tearing me up.

I am just trying to understand this disorder. He won't get tested. I did an online one with him and he fibbed. When I did it pretending I was him. He was on the spectrum. Any advice? Lonely and Heartbroken

Chip Cooper

As an adult, 56 year old Aspie (BTW, first time I'm using that moniker) I feel I've been fortunate to have been married for 30+ years to a fairly tolerant woman. I'm high functioning with a high IQ (you guessed it, the SQ, not so much); however, when I began to realize my difference I felt liberated, especially when I saw first attempts by scientific community at definition.

I have always turned to books to learn just about any subject I chose, having been blessed with an ability to handle a steep learning curve. I chose two books and obsessed on one subject that changed my life forever. Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people." (Although the influence side seems to somewhat elude me) and Emily Post's book on manners. What had come naturally to others was available in book form: a formula for talking to others, and public behavior.

That alone may have been enough, but I so wanted to understand how to pass for a non-Aspie, I started to obsess on Hollywood's best actors and actresses. The advent of the pause and VCR and now DVRs enabled me (to my wife's exhaustion) to focus on speech intonation, facial expression and slow visuals down to a snails pace to observe the more subtle nuances.

For example, a good actor/actress might display five or more emotions in a single second, or less than the blink of an eye. Ironically, I seemed to shortly thereafter develop an uncanny ability to "almost" read minds.

Thanks to my wife, I eventually learned how to determine the difference between what a person "wanted" me to see, what they were "hiding" and what they "actually" were saying. Some are very good at hiding what they're thinking, but I can tell them because, except for Aspies, most don't have the same intonation and expression for both what they're thinking and wanting you to see. When I see that, if they're not an Aspie. (sigh) OK, this whole study is my favorite subject, but let me move on.

I think I'm more fortunate than many Aspies as I can form emotional attachments, especially if and when I can by rote remember to move outside of myself. But, even that doesn't quite describe it. I had a unique religious experience (too complicated to write here) and felt pure joy and bliss which I call love.

Ever since then I find some people whom I think of as special in that I feel the same joy with them. My wife has been very patient with me as I moved from being the "Mr Spock" as she called me when we first got married, to someone more considerate of her needs, although she might say they don't come often enough for her.

I've learned to know when I'm beating dead horses, how not to dominate conversations, and after studying (stuff) she says I make an excellent intimate partner. Again, I focus on her like when watching actors and actresses to observe her responses. I mean, I guess, everyone does a lot of this maybe naturally, but I do process a lot of information to move around and get along.

I talk a lot and lately I seem to be getting worse as I'm fighting diabetes, and a back injury with medication and blood pressure, and a whole host of other things with the medications affecting me to the point where I can't seem to stop talking, a lot almost on random subjects. LOL. I get confused a lot.

Facebook and others let me socialize in snippets. My wife says I can do really well with most people as long as they don't live with me. Jobs are too much, as my co-workers eventually see through something. I've lost most jobs because "I'm just not a right fit for the team." and when I ask for specifics, they don't seem to have any concrete examples or reasons, but apologize and fire me anyway.

But, I've been very happy most of my life after 25, and I owe my obsession with wanting to be understood as the key to my selection of study that taught me what I know now on communication. I naturally filter what comes out of me now, but I've tried hard here not to filter things (a lot).

I love meeting other people with AS and find they're easy to recognize. Most have it worse than me, but even I have trouble having a strong relationship with them. lol -- unless we share a favored subject, of course. But isn't everyone like that? LOL. And my wife would say, "Yes, but most people know when to shut up." (sigh) It's true. Unfortunately that's when I'm most vulnerable, less filtering and self centered.

It's fun covering 20+ years of subject matter in a matter of minutes, and then reach the current state of technology and discuss recent developments (if they follow me that far) lol. Thanks for your time.


I am a senior citizen who may have undiagnosed asperger's. Everything I have read makes sense. Where can I get a definitive diagnosis? I need to be treated for OCD also.


I'm an adult Aspie who, like many, remain undiagnosed though it was clear as can be. After plenty of failed relationships -- bad at picking partners -- started dating a psych who's an Aspie expert and picked it up immediately.

It's amazing nobody caught this before. Her colleagues figure it out in a minute or two without telling them and that's even without knowing about a family history of Autism.

Asperger's is a lot easier to manage if the Aspie understands it. Common signs: an unusually deep knowledge on some subjects, no interest or outright contempt for opinions not well researched, disdain for incompetence, monotone speech, distress about loud noises or lights, no interest or an unwillingness in things that do not lead to tangible goals (ex: dressing appropriately), talking to oneself, seeing leisure as a "waste of time," performing like a super-human at a small number of specific tasks with no interest in other tasks, a perception by others as arrogant or intimidating (with a response by the Aspie of confusion or indifference) and confused psych professionals. They may want to diagnose an Aspie as bi-polar without the episodes of depression or the cycles, dislike of hugging or other feel-good activities, a family history of Autism or Asperger's.

If you have an Aspie at work and want to keep him or her -- which is common, we're good at what we do -- but don't know how to deal with "disruptive" behavior and bad feelings here's some advice.

1) keep him/her in small teams (really small: 2-4 people), 2) if they are tuned out at a meeting give up, 3) encourage the Aspie to explain the condition to co-workers and ask questions. Team members must not try to read an Aspie's body language or speech, or expect an Aspie to read theirs -- co-workers and supervisors should just bluntly explain how they're feeling and what they're thinking (it's hard to insult an Aspie).


Hang in there Is2010.


Before I entered into this relationship, I never experienced anything in my life like this before. It is different. There are quite a lot of symptoms that I read for this illness that I see in my aspie partners. None of us are diagnosing them. We do see that they have a problem and it affects us deeply. It is negative in that it is unhealthy for the other person. I don't think any of us are saying that we hate them; we are truly trying to learn to live with their condition.

It's a challenge, and a life-long way of life we will have to endure -- for those who stick it out. But most of us are just expressing ourselves and getting it out of our systems. We need to know that we're not alone and that helps.

If we hurt those who are aspies and posting their point, we really appreciate it. Most of us don't know the other side. Please keep posting.


When I was 15, I was told that I 'might' have Asperger's Syndrome, and about a year later my therapist said this was quite unlikely. I was going through a tough time fitting in at school at that age (my best friend moved away and my other friends began to exclude me), and this false information just added to the internal pressure I was under at the time, and undermined my social confidence. I thought I would never connect with anyone again.

I'm 18 now and am quite contented. There seems to be a gap between me and others in college. For example, I don't bother drinking (which is very popular here) and I don't have a girlfriend. I don't get on well with young children, because I was an only child and rarely had experience with them. But I get on well with most people at college in general and am quite satisfied with my life.

My point is that people shouldn't rely on unreliable 'diagnoses'. If it takes a long time for a professional psychologist to ascertain that a patient has the syndrome, how can an unqualified (but well-meaning) parent/spouse read something on the internet, and in a snap, with absolute certainty say "that's my husband", "That's Albert Einstein"(who probably never met a psychologist who knew anything about the Syndrome) or "that's my child", etc?

Some posters here seem to be harsh on their spouses about something that might not even be true. Wouldn't you expect most separating spouses to say "Oh, my husband never cared about me", "He was completely self-interested", "He was never able to do anything" anyway? With Non-Aspergers people, relationship issues can obviously occur too. You should read post number 221, which is short but makes a good point.

Please also try not to focus too much on the negatives. Although the negatives are profound, sometimes the focused interests of those with Asperger's Syndrome bring profound benefits too. This might not be true in all cases, of course.

I suppose that's a laundry list of things to do for people who already seem to be under a lot of pressure in their lives, but if you try to understand people your relationship might improve. (I mean that in the best possible way.)


He's not talking to me today. Sad.


@LuvAS: Yep, you hit the nail on the head, all right. He doesn't like touch at all. Not to say that he hates my touch, just touch in general. If I touch him and he is "unprepared" for it, it really bothers him and he pretty much jumps off the bed, couch, chair.

He has always said from the get-go that he is not sexual. Not to say that he doesn't like it or that he doesn't want it, but that he doesn't really think about it.

He doesn't like to be pressured into talking about it. I learned that a long time ago. Hopefully this counselor, who recognized it from the beginning can help me to adjust.

Bottom line is that I would do anything for him. He is such a gentle and kind spirit and I believe my soulmate. He provides me with so much being him with his AS.

Thanks for your support you guys! This is great!

P.S. He hates loud noises -- even noises that I don't find loud!


@Kieran: Well, when I was young I was terrible with women. That was too much additional pressure on top of my social deficits. In my early to mid 20s I intentionally exposed myself to more intense social situations and surprised myself by developing some charm over the course of a couple of years. It still might be a little "active but odd" but it can get the job done in terms of women.

My advice would be that no matter how socially inept you believe you are (you cannot be worse that I was, I just don't believe that's possible), practice, practice, practice. You'll never be Alec Baldwin smooth but you'll get good enough to g4et a woman. If it were truly that hard, none of us would be here.

One great place to start would be to take some vacations and just hang out for a few weeks. People on vacation are very open to striking up conversations with strangers. It's nothing like home, trust me. It's a fantastic way to practice with women because there are no consequences to failure. You'll absolutely never see them again and that takes some pressure off.

But first, just practice shmoozing and being laid back around women. It's a skill like any other and it will come.


JCAnnie: I'm glad someone brought up the sex subject! I can't tell you how many times I have wondered if my Aspie friend is gay or asexual, because he flirts only on occasion and he never wants to discuss anything related to sex. I have never experienced a man acting like that before.

At first, I thought it was very nice and different and that he was showing a tremendous amount of respect for me, but after a while a girl starts to wonder, "what is wrong with this picture?"

In that book I mentioned in my other post, there was a woman who said that she asked her Aspie husband why they never have sex and his response was something like "we already have kids. why would we have sex?" I don't think all people with AS are like that but I have read that quite a few are and it seems to get even less and less as they age. Remember, some are very sensitive to touch so perhaps it's just too uncomfortable for them.

@ls2010: Yes it's difficult sometimes to hear about the same topic over and over but I am OK with it when my friend does it because I know he can't help it. I don't have it in me to hurt his feelings by telling him to stop. I will admit there have been times when I just wanted to run away screaming "no more!!" lol.

We have been talking about the same subjects for a year now and I smiled a little at the mention of banks because mine is very wrapped up in that sort of thing right now too.

I'm not making fun of my Aspie friend. I think he can be a wonderful man and one that I would marry tomorrow if he would get some sort of treatment and not so much for the Aspergers but for whatever condition he has along with it. I am learning that it is that condition that is causing the problems and making his AS worse.

Does anyone else have this going on with their significant other and if not, have you considered that something else might be going on too?


I have Aspergers but remain undiagnosed. I figured it out at age 40 but to me getting diagnosed would be pointless. It's like a guy with a missing arm going to get diagnosed as an amputee. It's completely obvious.

I would say my symptoms have been at the 11 of 10 level in most cases. heh. But I'm older so I've learned how to deal with it. I wish I had known earlier, though.

I still have rage outbursts from time to time over noise or interruptions but I can sometimes see them for what they are, which does help.

In school I also had that "selective mutism" thing as well where I wouldn't speak. My few friends and parents didn't notice it much because I would speak to them. It was not a subtle thing and I knew something was wrong from an early age. Others would say I was shy, which I believed.

I don't think I would trade it for being normal, though. I like the fact that I am extremely honest and loyal. It's a point of pride that I can offer that to people.

I like my interests and ability to drill down until I find the underlying truth that I am searching for. But, like anything else, there is a price to pay. Everyone pays it one way or another.


Ha, ha. My husband's obsession is the Masons. Everything is connected to them. Every time he sees a symbol of such he points to it and he gets so excited.

Last week while we were driving out of town (20 min.) I said to him, "OK, go for it. Tell me everything you want to say about the Masons. My ears are yours." And he went on and on and on.

It didn't make much sense to me because he was just rambling.

Intimacy: It's good, when I feel ready. He can be ready any time.


@Is2010: Hang in there. This weekend we went to visit his mother and his sister came up with us in the same vehicle. I haven't mentioned AS to his family members, but I feel they know his quirks well and accept and love him for who he is.

Anyway, we were driving back on a three hour drive and sis and I were having a great conversation. My husband started in on something that seemed related and must have talked for about 30 minutes about this other topic that we thought he was relating to our topic, but at the end, sis just said "OK..interesting, but how is this related to this?" Anyway, he does that quite a lot. He connects his current favorite topic to almost all conversations.

His current obsession is how the banks are controlling everything in the economy. Anyone talking about anything dealing with "current hard times" of the US or economy and they will get a lecture about banks.

There are times when I do get really upset and annoyed because I feel that he isn't really conversing, he's just talking, but then I remember that he is trying in his own way to have those social relationships as normal as possible.

At least he talks about things I am interested in as well. Although, after months and years of the same subjects, I sometimes can't wait for a new one.

So, I have to ask you all: for those of you married or in a relationship, how often are you intimate? (sorry if this is too personal) We hardly ever do, but he claims his attraction and undying love to me is there and everlasting. *Sigh*.


Luvas, I'm hanging in there. We went to Lake Tahoe this weekend (first time we went anywhere after our honeymoon). It was weird. He hardly talked about nature. He just got excited every time he saw a vanagan. Oh, I'm so tired of those things. That's all he talks about.

He seemed so bored being there and was rude most of the time, just like a child who doesn't know how to communicate his feelings so just uses gestures to get his point across. It wasn't romantic at all.

I had fun during my daughter's bridal shower. It was a blast. Driving back home was so very boring. He wouldn't speak to me. Every once in a while I had to ask him if he was getting sleepy or what. He would just say, "I'm concentrating on my driving." Yuck!


Jeannie: I have been reading "Aspergers in Love" by Maxine Aston. It's a great book. The book and your tantrum remark made me think about my friend and how he reacts to getting upset with me.

He shuts me out but nobody else it seems and then he won't admit that he is angry or upset he only behaves as if he is angry and upset. He shuts down, to me, completely and then comes back around as if nothing happened.

I mentioned this in several previous posts. I keep going back every time he comes back thinking and believing he won't do it again and then he does it again. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind.


LuvAS: It is a number of things. He shuts down completely, but then I look at him and its almost as if steam is going to come out his ears!

If I try to approach him about why he is upset (this is over something I find a very small matter that no one has control over really), he is very rude and very angry towards me.

If I don't leave him alone, he then starts to yell and shout and just gets in a panic almost.

His way of dealing with something that upsets him is to almost totally shut down to the world on all other things and be obsessed by this one thing until he can communicate again, in short.


JCAnnie, when you say tantrums, can you describe what he does during these times? Does he give you the silent treatment like so many people with an Aspie partner seem to talk about?

Hi ls2010. Are you doing all right?


@Is2010: Your husband and my husband sound very similar. He drives so crazy sometimes, isn't really afraid of "dangerous" things, loves to cut down trees (who doesn't!)

Just this morning I put more things together that make me realize that this is what he has. He has never been tested and like I said, the therapist only mentioned it to me, but you are right. He is just like a child sometimes with certain things. I know people can say that "most men are," but this is different.

I think the most difficult hump of all of this will be getting used to his temper tantrums (not too bad most of the time) and then the rudeness.

It's good to know that I can come here for support and vent.


Yes, he did a good thing marrying you. While they may have the illness that they can't really see for themselves, it doesn't mean that they aren't looking for someone in their lives to make life easier for them. They too, need to be loved and cared for.

But the true fact of the matter is that they require a lot more carrying. They're like little children when it comes to dealing with certain adult situations. This week, my husband admitted that he is "high strung" and said that there isn't anything wrong with that. That that's the way God made him. He also said that driving really fast and not braking completely at the stop signs is no issue for him.

He wants to bring down this big annoying tree from the next door neighbors' yard while the neighbors are gone for three months vacation, and tell the man that some big truck ran into it.

He doesn't see anything wrong in doing that. I tell him to just ask him if its OK to bring it down because of the problem.

He doesn't think that way though. He has his own way of viewing life and situations. See you later.


Recently my husband I went to marriage counseling. She has only seen us both separately, and when I talked with her to set up a joint appointment she mentioned that she thinks my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. I have been reading a lot about it and I think I going to have to agree with her.

He has the strange fits out of nowhere. Rage for no reason. Can't handle things not working the way he thought they would. Doesn't make much eye contact with me. Is extremely awkward in social situations. Focuses intensely on one subject, topic or activity for weeks, months or even years.

He doesn't understand why something he just said was so hurtful. (really, completely oblivious) Isn't affectionate.

However, with all these things, he has found good coping methods and is still able to be in social situations and interact. That is, until someone asks him about his favorite topic at the time, and then the conversation ends. We listen to him lecture.

Many times I found myself so frustrated that he wasn't having a conversation with me. That what I just pointed out was, in fact, connected to the subject of conversation.

I am giggling while writing this because my husband does love me. He is a very sensitive guy and has done well with trying to sort out why someone may be upset, or having a difficult time with their feelings.

If this is what he has, I am hoping I can find it within myself to make both our lives together full and fruitful. I love him with all my heart and just want to know how to work with this and not against it. He has done great so far. He married me!

Thanks for everyone posting their stories on here. It helps me a lot.


Questions re: shutdown - There isn't anything you can do to get him to "come around." and You have to let him be in control of him. You be in control of you.

Go on with your life and when he comes out of the dark corner, be there to greet him. I am constantly asserting my own independence. For instance, I will schedule a scuba-diving vacation and if he wants to come, come, if not, see ya when I get back.

It helps if you don't live with them. I don't think I could take it if I did. I see my guy once a week and I don't call him the rest of the week and that is fine with me and when I do see him, I'm happy to see him and I'm perfectly happy when he leaves.

When he has a fit, I ignore him and finish doing exactly what I was starting to do. And he completely freaked out when he thought I got into a difficult situation backing my boat into a hotel parking spot. and he was supposed to "guide" me, but he was too busy having a tantrum, so I ignored him. I maneuvered the boat just fine without him, unhooked it from my car and said, you got the hotel room key? He had no choice but to calm down because the situation he was upset about no longer existed. This kind of stuff happens over and over again and it amazes me that he keeps doing it. Now that I think I've figured out what may be wrong with him, I probably should not be surprised.

As far as him trying to blame me for his problems, well, first, he doesn't think he has any and second, if he did try to blame me I think he knows I would not put up with it. I would go on a two-week vacation Hmm. maybe Fiji. --K.


Being in my mid 30′s I've always suspected that something may have been a little “off” going back to as young as five years old. I never really related to people my own age and tended to trust people older than myself even to this day.

Since I graduated HS in the early 90′s, there was no clinical name (believe 1994 was when Asperger’s became a clinical condition in the US). I used it to my advantage, believe it or not, although in antisocial ways. I was an all state swimmer who earned an athletic scholarship to college. However, my motivations were for all the wrong reasons.

Being so tall at such a young age, I was a target for mocking comments from other students. Once I grew into my 6’6, 230 pound frame at age 15, my athletic career took off and made headlines in the newspapers. Again though, my motivation for success was strictly to stick it to anyone who had ever disrespected me.

I, like most Aspies, had narrow, intense focuses. Mine was swimming and maintaining good grades. However, as soon as I turned 16 and got my drivers license, a whole new world opened up. Getting alcohol at bars as a 6’6, 16 year old who didn't get along with kids my own age was my “new drug.” Despite being a decent looking athlete, the chicks my age found me odd and made fun of my quirky personality and monotone voice. I never dated a girl my age nor went to any proms. I did lose my virginity at 16 in a one night stand with a 35 year old drunk however, who I met at the local bar.

At the bars, the alcohol enabled me to carry on well with conversations and hooked up with chicks in their 20′s, 30′ and even 40′s. To me, I thought I conquered my hatred with guys and girls my age.

However, despite eventually earning a BS in Finance at a very decent college, finding decent employment was tough. Job interviews were an SOB even though I knew I was qualified. I dove deeper into alcohol and meaningless one nighters throughout my 20′s. However, I stumbled upon a career in my 30′s that I didn’t need college for, but suits an Aspie: debt collection. The job involves skip tracing deadbeats who are in default and negotiating payment arrangements over the phone.

The job obviously isn’t face to face, but my deep intensities for competitiveness and winning (as a swimmer too) feed off of me in tracking people down and negotiating. Since I have somewhat “formal speech” which is common in Aspies, I come across as very “professional” in the eyes of debtors I speak with. I speak to them with respect and sophisticated speech and I have had great success with my commissions. Base pay generally is only around 30K in most states, but the unlimited commission potential can make one easily make 50K plus (resulting from monthly bonuses).

It's not what my goal was as a profession but given the stresses of getting “disqualified” from jobs prior that I knew I could do because of how I came off in interviews (subjective), this field met my needs. No face to face interaction and are basically an “independent contractor”.

My math skills have always been a strength and it allows me to negotiate settlements and payment plans without having dead air when negotiating and it has worked out well. Good luck to all and will answer any responses to my post.


I've been in a relationship with a man for about 10 years now. We broke up for about two years in there. I found out last night that his sister has Asperger's and I began to think maybe he has it too. Does this sound like Asperger's?

He accuses me of changing the subject because there is no connection to what he was talking about. However, there is. It just wasn't the direction he was heading with the subject matter.

He can talk non-stop for long periods of time about the most incredibly boring subjects, for instance, computer 3-D modeling. Doesn't notice that I barely participate.

If I do something he does not like in public, he can have a fit and does not notice that people are staring at him, thinking what an ass he is being.

I do some of the things he likes to do, such as watch boxing matches but he never asks about what I would like to do. If I asked him to do something he wasn't interested in, he would not do it.

The word "love" or "I love you" has never come out of his mouth, but he has written "love" on a birthday or X-Mas card - like a greeting. He is loyal.

Claims that there is something wrong with most people because you cannot have "expectations" from a relationship and says he has felt that way since he was a child.

Attempted conversations about "feelings" always ended in disaster and the reason for the two-year break-up. For example, he said that because I said that I "missed him," that meant that I was dependent on other people for my happiness and he would never allow me to make him co-dependent.

He is a hoarder and never lifts a finger to clean anything. His bathroom off his master bedroom looks like it belongs in a condemned building. Currently, he is laid up from back surgery and needs assistance. I managed to clean up his kitchen and bathroom. I asked him if I could clean up the other areas and he freaks out if I attempt to so much as touch an empty box.

Does not like parties, but was a musician for years playing in bars.

A different sister explained that their family was never very "affectionate."

We don't live together and we never will. I've long accepted that he will never be able to respond emotionally the way I would like him to. However, once in a while he will do something I never expect and it is a complete surprise. Like after nine years, he brought me flowers for Valentine's Day. He fits my lifestyle at this point in my life.

We are both avid scuba divers, underwater photographers, former musicians and technically-inclined. I find him very attractive and the chemistry is right, if you know what I mean.

I was married for 16 years and I am not eager to do that again. I might find someone who is capable of "love," but I'm cynical that I would wind up with someone with worse problems like my ex-husband who couldn't handle money and had to go bankrupt. My life is on track for a healthy retirement in ten years and I don't want anyone to mess that up. I think your priorities change as you grow older.


I have been working very hard to keep afloat with my aspie husband. It's very difficult to humble myself and almost pretend everything is OK between us.

I don't know about you guys but to me, I find that I can talk freely with my close friends and sisters about certain situations, but with my husband, I almost have to blanket every conversation and watch every word I say. I just can't have regular conversation with him.

Like this. What I'm writing now is what every sane person should talk like. But with him, I'm walking on egg shells. I'm not totally myself or comfortable because he doesn't reason like a normal person. I can say something to him and expect helpful feedback, but I don't get anything.

I hope you all are surviving. See you later.


@Ls2010, hello. Remember when I said I was giving up? Well, he came back and is being that side of him that I can't seem to let go of!

anon121906 Post #243: Sorry to hear that you are going through this, but I have to tell you I'm not surprised. I've made previous posts on here and you will probably notice how I am learning more and more the longer I am friends with my Aspie male.

The friends thing is a hard one, mine says the same thing and I have read on quite a few websites that this is very common for Aspies to say that they want to be friends and yet, the relationship is so much more than friendship.

At first, I was so confused by his behavior but now I am getting used to it and wondering, would I want to be married to a man who shows so little emotion and understanding of my feelings? I thought I could and thought I wanted to but now I'm just not sure. He's a wonderful person and I love him and I want to be with him but it's so lonely being with an Aspie.

Some people say their Asperger's mates are demonstrative of their emotions but the only emotions mine seems to demonstrate are anger, frustration, hyperactivity and that sort of thing. No loving feelings, but towards his pets.

He also, like yours, knows no boundaries. He says and does things that hurt my feelings and is shocked to find out that it bothered me so how do you get angry with him or stay angry if he has no idea he's doing it? It's very confusing but, if it's any comfort to you, you get used to it, but it's lonely.

My friend is sweet and innocent under all of this other stuff and a lot of times yes, it feels like I'm a mother. I also read on an Asperger's site that some of them want a mother figure for a wife. I wish I knew what else to say to you.

Just stay strong and try not to take things personally.


I wanted to reply to Billie way up at the top of this thread. I have PKU, and have had so many problems since adulthood (and not being on the PKU diet from age 13).

My problems are so vague, and I know that Aspergers/Autism can be related to PKU and so I stumbled upon this thread. Billie, reading your comment was like reading something I might have written. It really struck a chord with me and I'm now looking into whether you can have Asperger's without the high IQ, because I know I don't have that.

I am independent though, and have been called 'high functioning' in other aspects.


Help! I live with a guy who possibly has it. It's been a strange relationship (which is what I usually attract). He doesn't have any boundaries. We have a lot of fun together though and he has been there for me in ways that most of my family and friends have not. He's told me he just wanted friendship but has not been completely platonic with me.

It's like he's acting out the worst side of what women say about men. He's objectified women and said some pretty trashy things but then been sweet with me and taken care of me when I need him without asking anything in return.

I needed a roommate a while back and he moved in. He told me several things: that he wouldn't want a relationship with another person since he doesn't connect anyway etc. Well, all of that changed. I thought eventually he would see what a special relationship we have together. Instead, with my support and his newly growing ego (it's huge now) any attention he's gotten from women he has grasped onto.

He was trying to be a player recently and has suddenly gotten into a relationship he was only using for casual non-commitment sex.

Now I have to see him share with her all of the habits and routines that I've gotten used to: same t.v. shows, same entertainments etc.

I admit I'm horribly jealous. If it were any regular guy he'd be on the curb.

Most recently I told him how bad it made me feel to have told him how I felt about him and see him and his new girlfriend together. Within just a few sentences he was telling me about how she had bragged to her friends about how sexy he was, etc.

He has referred to me as his best friend. Have I actually been his mother this whole time?

There are a lot of regular life things he just doesn't get, like taking care of property etc. He's told me that although he's in this relationship that he'd always intend to live with me.

I know this is complicated. I don't want to kick him out of my life, I love him, but sometimes his inadequacy in knowing where the boundaries are (even after I've told him) hurt me deeply.

I've grown very resentful, but don't want to abandon him. Help!


anon120777 Billie: You sound almost exactly like my friend. Some of the things you've said sound as though he could have written it.

I would give you websites to go to, but I don't think we are allowed to do that on here.

My friend is undiagnosed but I do believe he is an Aspie.


I have aspergers. It was diagnosed in my teens after I had a seizure. I am now in my thirties.

I managed to go to university and hold down a couple of jobs. I now go to grad school part-time.

I've lived with my parents almost all my life and I am now looking after my mum who has lung cancer. This may sound very selfish but I worry about the future. I have some acquaintances but no friends or girlfriend. People say I'm nice and polite but I can't seem to get beyond acquaintances.

Maybe someone could post some advice? --Kieran


As I’m reading through these posts, well it’s like I’ve written them.

These things describe both my mother and me down to the wire.

I was always a fairly withdrawn child, and would go through some weird ups and downs that ‘normal’ children may not have. After being yelled at or slapped on the wrist I would hide away for hours (once up a tree.)

I was always closer to my dog than I was my friends until about the age of 10 or 11. When I was seven or eight, my mother was bucked off a horse, fell, and was knocked out cold. As my father rushed over to tend to her, freaking out, I remember saying, “Dad calm down. She’ll be OK” and having zero emotion. I recall repeatedly saying “what about the horse?” as it was running around the paddock with the reins hanging down and I was concerned it was going to trip.

My father tried to get me to call an ambulance but I kept asking why and he finally took the phone from me to do it himself. There was no need for it. Mom came to. Her first words, “What happened? Calm down, I’ll be fine. Go take care of the horse.” Cool as a cucumber.

At the age of 10, I dropped out of school after having to lie to the principal about my age in order to get into an advanced math class. I found this perfectly normal, telling my teacher ‘I quit.’ At the age of three or four I was referred to as ‘a real little person.’ I was more likely to order the salmon platter with capers, olives, and crackers at five then I was to order chicken fingers.

At 13, I had finished high school senior math. Between 12 and 14 I studied house plans from the library, reworking them because I was convinced I was going to be an architect. I also memorized the names of several philosophers and studied them rigorously. I would constantly pat people on the head (and have done that more recently too) and just not feel quite right in my skin.

When something ends badly, I always take it personally and consider it my fault, even though it may just have been the circumstances, or the other person’s decision.

I have had panic attacks, mainly during a change in routine or when someone doesn’t follow through with something they’ve said they would. I rarely stand up for myself, and have a tendency to cut people out of my life for no solid reason other than my own guilt or discomfort with their feelings. I do not get what is and isn’t socially acceptable.

My trust for people goes above and beyond that of a normal person. I basically trust people with all my personal information right off the bat and do not understand if people are bored or feel awkward about what I’m saying. I sometimes get the feeling of tunnel vision.

I feel more at ease around people with self confidence, as it tends to make me more self confident.

I have had several lies come out based on not really thinking about what it is I’m saying, and I think people can especially tell when I’m lying because I can’t match facial expressions to words.

I have given people money or spent it like crazy on other people not just to fit in, because if someone said they needed something, and they were in my house, I would just give it to them without second thought and I would never expect anything in return.

I tend to find more value in people telling me how they feel rather than in their actions, although I have had some people down things for me that floored me (why are you doing this for me? I haven’t done anything for you.)

For about a year I had been pretty much on top of the world, and through this can now see how much of a fool I have made myself look like. I’m not in high school, but through the ages of about 17-20 have definitely acted as such.

I don’t like people, but I crave that long term companionship of friends. I moved around a lot (23 moves and counting! Although I would’ve loved to stay in the same spot forever if I could have), and I have noticed that I would more likely spend hours on the phone talking to people overseas or in another state than actually getting to know people where I live. I can have deeper conversations or at least listen when I’m not physically there.

Recently, I had a pretty big emotional upheaval in my life, and it’s caused me to lose a lot, but also in the search for an answer to why I always feel so out of touch with my age group or people in general, I found this and I at least feel a little more positive.

Does any of this sound like aspergers?

I’ve taken some basic check list type things online and was grouped into it, but I do feel like I could use some insight from people who have been around or who they themselves are aspies. I’ve barely talked to anyone from what I call ‘my past’ as it’s just easier not to, but I’m starting to see just what a lonely existence it could be. I do and don’t want that.

I have messed up relationships based on what I call my own personal ‘emotional connectivity.’ I have had people crying in front of me, and really have no idea why I could possibly have made them so upset, or why it wouldn’t be acceptable for me to continue to try to be someone’s friend when I’ve broken their heart. I see myself as so extremely selfish, and selfless at the same time. I will work my tail off just to continue to pay for things for others, and generally end up doing damage to those that trust me by being untrustworthy, but it also kills me to have anyone consider me flaky or untrustworthy. I wish they could understand that I feel like I can’t say no to anyone, which stresses me, so I just avoid the people I have been trying to say no to, so they won’t get a chance to ask me.

Don’t ask me how I feel. I don’t know and this confuses me, and so I’ll generally cry, which is going to make you think I’m sad when really I may just be mad or frustrated or upset, and not necessarily at you.

I have poor judgment, and will generally assume that people know what I’m thinking. I am extremely unsubtle, will most likely make jokes at inappropriate times, will over overreact, will be completely oblivious to hints, will have an air of a God on a holiday (overly confident and all-knowing, yet clearly not there) and if you don’t say “Hey, doing this, this and this will equal you losing your jobs, friends, and self respect” then I won’t get it.

I can talk and talk and talk, without really having a conversation. It is mainly about me.

I try to do nice things for people, but constantly say, no it’s nothing, don’t worry about it, because I hate people making a fuss over it. I leave everything to the last minute, some extremely important things, too. It goes above normal procrastination, and I have a tendency to try to fix everything at once.

I have had moments where I was somewhat convinced that things happening on tv were about me or talking about me. I find it easier to understand people when I’m not looking them in the eye. I don’t really like sex, unless someone shows an effort to constantly wanting me and expresses it verbally.

I’ve ranted and raved enough. If anyone thinks this sounds like aspergers, or has any sites that have other check lists or ideas on how I should go about getting a professional opinion I would like the input. Thank you. -Billie


@anon118814: You're not a bad person if you break it off with him, but I do know exactly how you feel. If you look back in the posts you will see where I had decided to end my friendship with an Aspie man because of a few reasons but the lack of emotional involvement is definitely one of them. The way he shuts me out is what has caused me the most pain and confusion however, it's so hard to feel like you're the only one with feelings.

Last night he called me and I sat telling him how much he meant to me, etc., and he didn't seem to know how to respond. It made it all feel one-sided. When I tell him I'm hurt he says things like "no you're not." One time I told him that I felt jealous and he said I wasn't jealous because I didn't act a certain way. I guess in his mind he has certain reactions he looks for so he will know how another person feels.

Just typing this response is confusing because when I think about this particular topic I get overwhelmed with confusion. I hope this post is making sense! haha. Anyway, it does feel very lonely and at times I wonder if he is asexual, that is how bad it gets sometimes. He has an underlying mental illness though too, along with Asperger's so perhaps that is the cause.

I honestly don't know but I do understand how you're feeling, because several times I have decided to end it, but then he comes back and that Asperger's sweet child-like way he gets about himself sometimes just draws me right back in and I feel like I need to take care of him.


My husband of eight years has finally admitted that he has aspergers. My six year old son has just been diagnosed, and it looks like our two year old son is heading that way too, not talking yet and fierce tantrums, just like his brother.

I have been feeling extremely low the past few years, and I have stopped trying to talk to my husband, as he listens but doesn't hear. His reaction is always "deal with it," which I cannot do any longer.

Knowing that he has AS makes it a bit easier though. at least I understand why he never ever looks at me or asks me how I'm doing. I've been reading a lot about AS and came across a paper about Affective Deprivation Disorder, also known as Cassandra syndrome. If you look up Maxine Aston you will find the info.

I am convinced I have ADD, but don't even know where to start to address it, as I don't want my husband to feel responsible. He already doubts that I still love him. Anyway, just wanted to share the info I found as it is clear that a lot of the partners commenting here are feeling like this.


I have been in a relationship with an Aspie for five years now. It's hard. I feel lonely and that I don't really have him there as someone that takes interest in my thoughts and goals and ideas and emotions and it hurts.

I can't be upset because it's nothing he can control but I feel to get love and to be heard I always have to beg for it like pulling he teeth he just doesn't pick up on it on his own. He wants to get married and I'm not sure I can do this forever. It's asking a lot of me but yet I feel like a bad person if I do break up.


I was just quoting what another page on aspergers said when it listed the symptoms of it. One was the lack of emotion. I live with a man with lots of emotions when it comes to what's affecting him. He just doesn't seem to connect when others are in need of emotional support. But then, nobody really knows the exact need of a person when they're down. Sorry if I hurt your feelings.


@231 - Not all of us are incapable of detecting emotion. We just need to be trained to detect certain emotions. And we can empathize with others. It's just, well, we are more likely to go, "What's the big deal? It's just x," instead of feeling bad.

If we were incapable of empathy, then why am I so easy to guilt, and why do I feel sad if someone else is incredibly sad? Mind you, I was diagnosed in Kindergarten or Grade 1, not sure, so I have had time and support to build up such things.


After recently trying to find answers to my father’s life-long ‘attitudes’ (he’s now 83!) of emotional and behavioral actions, I found out that there are ASers in the family line. I have a cousin with it and two cousins’ children have been diagnosed.

Trying further to understand AS, I have been searching the net (my latest compulsion!). I was very surprised to also find that many behaviors are also very particular to me!

I have now found the answers to my inability to cope with changes very well and dependence on routine and things that match my “strange” interests as a child with anything to do with animals and bugs, that also included reading everything I could on them (that started at 18 months!), my above average intelligence as a child and very early walking (at nine months), talking and reading (by three years fluently) and the gift to turn any conversation, I have been told, into a lecture!

Although I am not as antisocial behaviorally as my father, it has given me reasons why I have always preferred my own company (or that of pets) or the limited company of others and pursued my own interests all my life, rather than group activities.

I now have answers as to why, when stressed, I have to color coordinate my pegs when doing the washing, or check around the house to make sure my environment is as tidy as it should be! This also extends into my garden! Needless to say, I have an exemplary tidy house and garden!

My swings into bad temper/moodiness now also have a reason in the perceived inadequacies of the world -- for not behaving as I think they should, when seeing very simple and logical solutions when others can’t!

There are a myriad of my personal oddities that I always thought myself were odd, let alone being referred to as an “odd child” for a girl!

Now, as an adult at 56 years old, I can see where I have utilized my strange knowledge and behaviors and guess what? I don’t care! I have attained high levels of education, if not in the "system," but by myself! I have attained many business and personal experiences, that without having some degree of AS, I know I would never have done or experienced!

To all adult ASers, I say, “Look at what you have attained” (as I’m sure most of you are high achievers like me) and to the young ASers, look forward to what you will do, not what you can’t do at the moment!


i have been in an off and on relationship with an as (not confirmed) for 10 years. We've been apart this time for nearly a year. i love him with all my heart. i tried so hard to calm his rages. he had so many arguments with many he met. he was so hateful to them and at other times could be so friendly.

i shared his obsessions with him for hour after hour. life with him was hell. he had well above average intelligence with a good job, but because of depression no longer works. his brother once said to live with his moods more than a day was impossible. without his as he would not have been special person he is. i miss this special man so much. --Rose


@No. 230: You also made a choice to leave. She may have left you emotionally by losing all trust in you in that she accuses you of having an affair. But you also left her because you couldn't handle the ill-treatment, that as a result of your aspergers problem and as you say, she has it too.

But I wanted to comment to you that to leave all your work and social status is, of course, also your choice, but are you doing it so that another aspie (your wife) will understand? Because she won't. Remember, aspies don't feel the emotions of others.

Are you hoping that your close friends and family will notice? Because strangers will notice you, but to them you're just another street person and we don't know your circumstances nor your habits. Some people don't like to give money to strangers on the streets because sometimes we presume that you will use the funds for drugs, etc. And we can't condone it nor support it.

You, on the other hand, say you don't do that stuff, but who reads this page? Not many people. What are you going to write on your cardboard so people will see you're different? I really hope you get a grip of life. Study the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses. They can help you. Sincerely.


Im 47 and just discovered I have aspergers. It's a terrible thing at first to realize, but i quickly saw through a lot of my anxiety being due to house noises and background sounds. My ex mrs of ten years is gutted as am i.

two years ago i told her that to continue in this keep loving relationship would kill me and I tried to explain to her that after ten years she's never believed what i keep telling her: that i can't understand time, calendars, anxiety to noises, have severe pains in legs, phobic about changing clothes/water, need of patterns, patterns, patterns.

Instead she's treated me like I've PTSD. She couldn't believe that i wanted to leave and is convinced I'm having an affair, etc.

After leaving I'm now homeless but understand why aspies/aunties really love to get out the house. i have nearly every day had at least the thought of living in the trees near water and away from busy human contact. I have lost everything again: business, paperwork, possessions, etc. and am now a tramp, a very clean, non-alcoholic, homeless person.

My main problem is that the homeless/health agencies think I'm intelligent. The biggest simplest mistake we make with aspergers is to assume that the person's intellectual capacity automatically would generate basic simple common sense. it may be positive to point out that aspies can be 'gifted' but it feels like a curse to me and we should treat aspies as dumbo songs on the simple matters, as mostly incapable of operating multiple daily, weekly patterns and in need of observation and supervision. We are mongs. Forget all that clever stuff.

I'm a mechanic/electrician,artist/musician/filmmaker/studio stage engineer, yet as i explained to the ex before i left for good (when i didn't know i was an aspie and she was treated me like a nazi survivalist backwoodsman) all these gifts/skills are just obsessional occupational therapy to distract me from the noises in the house and the environment where i work and live.

aspies are morons on the simple stuff because it's autism, not aspergers.


I think of AS as a special sense that allows people to acutely feel/read the energy of others. That is why we are so sensitive and react so strongly. We are not any crazier than the rest of you, we just have less bandwidth and tolerance for the psychological torture that is called normal human behavior. Society is a clown-pig show. I'm much happier being anti-social. The A-types should all be committed.


@LuvAS: pop in once in a while and let us know how you're doing without your aspie friend. Tell us how your mind has cleared up and how you are feeling wonderful. I'm sure others will appreciate your comments.

I made a lifetime commitment to my husband and I can't just pack up and leave. Unless he cheats on me. I hope he never does -- or else I'll give him the boot. Hee, hee.


ls2010: what a yard sale that was huh? I can relate to your story. My "friend" acts like that too and he makes things up. I wonder, could ADHD ever present itself as Bipolar? In other words, could one be mistaken for the other? I ask because I am trying to determine what other problem my friend has along with the Asperger's Syndrome.

Sadly, I decided last night to call it quits on the friendship, because of a choice he has made that I simply cannot tolerate. I asked him to please reconsider his course of action on a certain circumstance in his life, because I can't handle it and it scares me too much. He was talkative up to the point where I said that and I haven't heard from him since last night. So, I took him out of my phone contacts, I guess hoping somehow that will make it easier. Such a simple thing to do, removing him from my phone, but I am desperate to not be heartbroken over this so I guess I'll try just about anything.


You know what's so sad? I planned a huge yard sale this past weekend to get rid of his junk that's all over the back yard. Well, during my prep time he acted very weird. Every day he'd come home from work he was very agitated. He just couldn't do enough. He even told me that he had so much energy and needed something to do.

I even asked him if he had ADHD, and he responded "Maybe I do." Wow! To me it seemed as if he was having a separation anxiety attack. I don't think he could see all his stuff going away. But then, on the other hand, he kept causing problems every time I would put an item on the tables for sale - "You can't sell this, it's worth $1000. (a tonka van from 2006, really?) He makes up stuff.

Well, after exchanging a few words he said, "You know, I'm just going to rent a u-haul and take all of this stuff to the dump." Wow again. To think that he would rather toss it all away rather than allow me, his wife to get rid of it in a yard sale, shows that he has a monster issue with me. I don't know what it is.

Well the sale day came and he was there when he should have been at work. I guess he wanted to make sure that I didn't sell certain things of his (and I wouldn't).

Nothing of his sold because it's all junk, real junk. It also rained and not too many folks came by. Well, after all was said and done, you know where he went? Into his dark place. He's still there. I figure he got mentally exhausted from the whole ordeal.


I'm so happy to have stumbled across this article. I now have no doubt in my mind now that my boyfriend is an Aspie. He's 47 and a scientist working at a major US University. Both his children from his previous marriage are autistic, one moderately so and one with Asperger's.

It was during my research to better understand the condition so I could understand his children better that I began to wonder if he, too, was an Aspie. Now, after reading the posts from others who are in relationships with an Aspie, I know he is. I think he knows as well but comes from a time when very little was known about it and I don't think he was ever diagnosed.

I'm trying to get up the nerve to ask him but hesitate because I cherish the moments when he is happy and dread it when I do or say something that takes him to his "dark place". I myself started to go to a therapist a month ago as I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. He would get upset at me for the oddest things, never understood when I was just trying to be funny or sarcastic and always, always takes everything that anyone says or does to heart. And his mood can change from sweet and loving to moody, depressed and angry in just a matter of minutes.

In the last six months he has stormed out of the house on three occasions and not returned until the next morning, once sleeping in his car. I really didn't understand this behavior but now it is beginning to make sense. I'm trying to get the nerve to ask him tonight and then I'm going to suggest he go to a therapist (something I've already discussed with my therapist pending the outcome of his answer) to maybe learn better coping skills.

He very often comes home from work so stressed out over something he has no control over and will not let anything go. His last bad episode was a couple of weekends ago when he got upset at me because I was upset at something he had done (and I know think he really doesn't understand why i was upset) - he ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom and when I got up the next morning he had left me a note saying he was going to spend the weekend away to sort his head out. I didn't know where he was or if he was OK and it was the hardest weekend. He finally did come home that Sunday evening and looked like he hadn't slept or eaten in the two days he was gone. He was extremely emotional and kept saying everything was his fault. And then he said that his kids were the way they were because of him.

I didn't want to press him at that time given his mental state but I do believe he was trying to tell me in his own way that he does have Aspergers but doesn't know how to tell me. It won't make any difference to me as far as how I feel about him. It will make a difference in our relationship as I plan on reading as much as I can on the submit and will try very hard to make his life as easy as I can.

Hopefully he will agree to either be tested and/or go for therapy to learn how to deal with life's stresses more effectively. But my just knowing that I am not alone and I am not to blame has made all the difference in the world. I just wish he could have told me earlier in our relationship and maybe a lot of heartache over the last year wouldn't have happened. But nothing I can do about that now - must move forward and make the best of it for both of our sakes.


I'm sorry about your son. But sons, whether they have aspergers or not, are tough to handle, especially in their teens. You're just having a double whammy of it.

But as far as the world embarrassing him, be careful. Some who say they are friends can also be treacherous. The kind of fun people have nowadays isn't what we as parents pray for our children.

The world is so corrupt and misguided. If you really want help for him, search out the truth. In your diligent prayers, ask for specific things and don't turn down what ever sort of help the true God sends you.


I have a son suffering from Asperger's Syndrome with high IQ. After reading all the posts here, previously I thought I know him, now I know I know him little. Now, I really understand how hard is is for him facing this world.

He is now 20 and was always misunderstood by people. He has no friends, nor he is really happy. I wish I could help him, even though I encourage him all the time, but it seems not to be enough.

I wish someone could guide him or help him. You see, we stay in a country in which 99.99 percent of people do not understand people who suffer from this syndrome.

I pray very hard each day to God to guide him and show him the way to meet friends and to be embraced by this world. I hope He will reply.


Wow! This message board has turned into "complain about your friends and spouses". I feel sorry for everyone who has a hard time living with an Aspie. I must be the luckiest person on this board because my boyfriend never treats me that way. They may have AS but they may also have anger, control and manipulation issues too.


Yup! they do that. About 10 days ago mine admitted to having ignored me on purpose. He even has trouble managing his money. I can't get him to make a budget so we won't have money issues. I told him to give me $300 for food and that I'd buy good stuff and be frugal about it, but he said he likes to buy the better quality food because his body requires the best because he burns it off too quickly, he's really thin.

Yet, when I told him that how could that be when every single day he eats out at fast food restaurants two or three times per day during his work and that food is junk, he just looks at me dazed. He just can't admit to anything.

He's always right. Yeah.


Regarding intentionally driving us crazy: One example (that he even admitted to), years ago when I finally had to complain that I can't understand his speaking at times, in a quiet, monotone with no inflection or modulation (an Aspie characteristic according to books on the subject), out of spite he began intentionally not understanding me. And I'm a former radio broadcaster who understands how to speak better than most!


Many are passive-aggressive, it's true. And no matter what, they're always right. Even if they've done something wrong that day, they can't see their error. There's a block in there somewhere.

Mine lies a lot and when I confront him about a certain lie, he denies to my face. It's almost like he's trying to drive me crazy and as if he knows it. But does he? We shouldn't have to excuse mean treatment. Because we know that they're capable of living a productive life at work, with their acquaintances, only they treat their mate bad. And that is not fair or excusable.


@post 201: I'm hitting a wall over how to get my husband to recognize his issue. I even rented Adam (a great movie featuring an Aspie trying to have a relationship with a NT woman). He instead is convinced that I'm bi-polar, which my mother was. This is his fall back for anytime I object to his outbursts, or lack of being involved in the marriage or attentive to my feelings.

Sometimes, you just know what you know, and that's as far as it's going to get you. Some people are certainly dead-set resistant to having any label applied to them.


To post #215, it sounds like my Aspie friend. The thing about shopping and not putting things back exactly right, but he is OCD.

In that book I mentioned in my last post, there was a story from a mother dealing with her son who is in his late 20's and his money and spending stories were unbelievable. I also read somewhere, maybe here, where one woman said her husband didn't want her spending money but it was OK for him to spend it if it was for his hobbies/obsessions.


I'm hearing posters mention angry outbursts. But what about continual, low-grade complaints and accusations over partially melted butter in the microwave, whether something was put back exactly where it was supposed to be, a purchase at Goodwill (for crying out loud!) what brand of toothpaste or shampoo was purchased (it has to have baking powder/only the cheapest Suave is allowed).

I could go on, but it's daily and there's no way to anticipate what the infraction might be. Is this Aspie behavior, or just a mean, controlling aspect of someone who happens to be Aspie?


For you woman contemplating "riding it out" and remaining in your relationships - good luck. But, hallmark events is your lives, such as a miscarriage, the wedding night, breast cancer scare (and other serious medical concerns), will not be met with empathy/kindness when you need it most. Don't count on having many couples as friends, since he's not great friendship material to begin with.

You need to be firm about who you are, because so often the Aspie will turn their frustration into blaming you, and deny they even have an issue. After 20 years, it's no fun -- actually very depressing.


I finally asked my boyfriend if he was ever diagnosed with Aspergers. He said no, and asked why I wanted to know. Whatever flew out of my mouth at that moment were positive qualities about him and it was never brought up again.

I believe that his mother knows and never told him. She's a teacher for special needs children. I know her and think she's afraid he'll lose it if he knows. Which he probably would. It would upset him and put him in the dark space for God knows how long. I think it is extremely unfair not to tell an adult or child they're an Aspie.

I know he feels different from other people and it probably baffles him as to why he is different. It's like being a blind person and being in a group of people who can see and are told to swing a bat and hit a baseball. All of the people with sight hit the ball but the blind person (the Aspie) can't hit it and he doesn't understand why he's different.

I think it's cruel that he was never told. But I'm not going to be the one to tell him. A therapist should tell him. We went to couples counseling and maybe I'll ask my therapist how she would feel about telling him, since she picked up on his Aspergers over our 20+ sessions. Then I picked up on it and asked her and she said, "you hit the nail on the head." We'll see.

It's been difficult lately but what stinks is that when he's down, I'm down and want to protect and mother him. But I refuse to live my life as someone's mother (I don't have kids nor do I want them) and I also can't continue to live with the outbursts, followed by the dark period and then back to happy.

It hurts so much to go through this and he'll be moving in the next year and wants me to go with him. I feel sad every day because I'm so conflicted if I want to go or not.


@Anon111322. Join the club. I fear and feel for you. It's tough. You're not married to him; you can walk away if you want to be happy and find someone normal to love you. But you know, many men are struggling with themselves nowadays. Women too. It's difficult for everyone. Can't say that you will be better off with someone else. Yet it is your choice. If you choose to try and work it out...you're fooling yourself. When you live with an aspy, its safer to say: If you choose to stick it out well then, you need to get educated on aspies. Yes, read the book.

But you know there isn't any cure for it. He plans and hopes to live a long life like you. No one is perfect and always up and happy. We all have our ups and downs. And yet aspies mostly always bring us down with them. Learn how to live with it for a long time by using skills and loving-kindness to keep the peace. You just have to work harder than normal to keep afloat.

I finally talked to my husband about him getting help for what evercondition he may think he has. I didn't mention aspergers. Again, he just looked at me weird. I told him he needed professional help. He put all the blame for our unhappiness on me. I decided to only get involved in spiritual conversations with him and while in that subject, so I plan to keep my lips in check and only talk about good and uplifting things. I'm hoping to help him see that while in such a state of spiritual uplifting conversations and activities, he can find some kind of comfort and maybe engage in those subjects, he may feel restful and at peace with himself and I. The day may come when the majority of his time is well spent and he'll start feeling better about himself.


I found this book and wanted to give you the title, "Asperger's Syndrome and Adults...is anyone listening?" I read this book in a day. That's how interesting it was!

It is stories from loved ones (like us) of people with spouses and adult children with AS. It is a book strictly for us, the families and what we go through.

Some of the stories in this book were so much like the situation I am going through with a possibly undiagnosed Aspie friend that I was stunned! If you haven't read it, you have to go get it.


All these posts has very much opened my eyes. I have been together with my boyfriend for two years. We connected instantly, and more or less lived together since day one.

All I could see was this amazing man in front of me (we are both in our mid thirties). But I understood quite quickly that there is something not right about him.

Well, first of all, he kept me away from him, like he wanted to shield me, by keeping me away from him. He said "he has the ability to destroy the people he love", etc. We have an extreme love for each other but it's now two years and our life is getting stable, and I am starting to feel absolutely exhausted of always looking after his needs and always putting myself aside. 90 percent of our time is about him. His work. Or his muscle pains etc.

He has a very stressful job, mostly away for 13 to 14 hours a day, so that does not help. He is an md and successful in his job. he therefore has a natural way to lead professionally but also personally. And this goes way beyond nature.

I could go on forever because it feels I have so much to say. I am feeling helpless, lost, confused. He is putting his behavior on me. I get all the blame for why he feels so lost, depressed, out of space, not human. For the last few months, he has been having huge outbreaks on me, in the morning and night. I sometimes have to go out, to leave him alone, until he has calmed down. He is doing this in front of other people as well, like his family or workers in our flat.

He cannot see how everyone else is feeling totally embarrassed by his outrageous behavior. I try to be calm, to talk with a quiet voice, to listen to him, but it has made me feel totally useless, with no energy, and no self esteem. He puts me down all the time, with the smallest thing, to mayor.

I am depressed and of course, can't ask for his support as he freaks out to see me weak. It's like we have this real relationship but at the same time everything is unreal. I have been looking up a few counselors for him, and hope he will go. But I can't talk to him about that right now. he needs to go into his calm period before I do that.

Right now, I can't communicate with him at all, and I have no strength to take up more fights as he will basically destroy me. I think he manipulates himself into thinking that I am the one causing all his outbreaks. He often forgets about conversations we have been having, important ones, about life etc., that he says I am imagining. One day he wants to have children, the other he says he don't, because I am damaging our relationship by not being supportive and lovable to him. Believe me I am.

But when it comes to children, I do have difficulties to understand his changes of opinion every second month. It can even change from day to day. For me, being 37 and wanting children, that is quite hard to deal with emotionally. And all I can do is to be quiet.

Sometimes we can communicate better by writing emails to each other, even if we live together, but it does help! He told me recently that he was diagnosed with bipolar when he was a child, and as late as a few days ago, he did say "guys like me often have some kind of Asperger's syndrome."

That was when i started googling and

find it scary as it describes him perfectly. He would never seek help. He always blames it on his work hours, he gives everything at work, but nothing at home. We would never have been together this long if it was not for me, trying to keep it together.

His mood swings are very difficult to deal with, after his huge outbreaks with me, he can turn in a second and be happy, relaxed. And that is when the hard bit comes in to follow that from my side.

I do want to help him, I love him so much and want him to be happy, but it is hugely hard having to deal with him at the same time. Does anyone recognize himself? --Upfe


Is2010: I totally get your confession story. My boyfriend may not says he has to "confess", but it's that whole "feeling about something" that can get him in a weird space.

He's also very nervous during the work week and can only clam down and relax on weekends. Usually. Right now, this second, he's at his job interview and was very upbeat for the past two days on the phone, but if one little thing rubs him wrong during the interview he'll go back into his dark space.

I was on the phone with his mother last night and she was concerned about the bad space he was in before he flew out of town and asked me how I thought he was. I was "this close" to asking her if he was ever diagnosed, but I lost my courage and she has enough on her plate with his father having Alzheimer's. She must know something's wrong. But I want to know if they're keeping it from me because either he or she are afraid I'll leave him if I know.

I just want to know or tell him I think he has it. I know there are therapists in the DC area that work with adults with AS and perhaps can help him deal with things a little better. Kind of like training someone's mind to not always see black or white. I've heard success stories about this but I just don't have the guts to ask him.


I'm sorry Luv that its gone that long. And Grace I'm sorry about your situation as well. During this weekend I swallowed my pride and hugged him even thought he was not talking to me. I made small conversation with him about the things I know he enjoys talking about such as work.

Well, he told me that his work mate just had a stroke this weekend and that company doesn't have insurance so he didn't go to the doctor since the guy said it was a mild one and he's had them before. Well, my husband, being that he is a nervous type, he got a panic attack at work and came home early and i nursed him even though I myself came home early from work as well because I have a head cold. I took care of him and rubbed his "tummy" and he felt better.

After a while I took the courage to ask him is he was nervous for some reason. He said his head, or rather his brain, felt like it was being squished and then he said, "Like when you do something bad and you get head pressure because you know it's wrong and you have to confess."

Wow. I asked him, do you need to confess something? He said "No." He then explained that it was just that kind of feeling. But I just haven't found the time to ask him about aspergers.

He still is quiet but all I have to do now is start up a conversation and he'll then talk. We're not suppose to feel sorry for men, they're men and they can take care of themselves; yet, he's so pathetic at times. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it's true.

Well, anyhow, we're talking. Hopefully today he will be feeling even better and I will be able to ask him.

I guess we all need to be a little more understanding of their illness and do some sorts of kind deeds toward them because I don't believe that they're happy where they are when they're down.


GracieJoy, I wish we had only week long dark periods in our relationship. My friend hasn't talked to me in a month because of his stress issues. He talks to other people, just not me. I feel terrible right now.

I am very sorry that you are going through this with your boyfriend. Maybe it's time that the two of you have a talk about this but wait until he is down from this stress he's going through now. Talk to him when he is feeling better about how he behaves when something goes wrong and work from there. Have you tried that yet?


I just hit a "dark period" tonight with my boyfriend, which I am sure will last all week. He found out that one of the two positions he is applying for in Texas, was already filled. He said he feels personally insulted that no one told him because he's flying down at his own cost to apply for this job. When I said it wasn't personal and he still has a chance at getting the other job, the rage started and the "I can't talk right now" began.

He leaves Wednesday and I expect this dark period will go on until at least Friday. I so don't want to give up on our relationship but I guess this happens in a much milder form to other non-AS couples. Now I know this is not the time to ask him about his having AS. I'm so sad. And also sad that he cannot see the gray area in the situation.


In reply to GracieJoy, I am going to really pay attention to his behavior now that I have a little more information about this. He has said on occasion that he is "wired" differently from other people and maybe he does has AS. I always put it down as a cop out for "bad" behavior - the shutting down, the arrogance, bad manners etc although these are not always present when he is in a good space - and that's more often than not thank goodness.

I get sick of walking on egg shells. So I will bide my time before asking him to be tested -if he mentions his "wiring" again, that may be the perfect opportunity.


@Is2010: My boyfriend forgets conversations so I don't think you're going crazy. He mainly forgets when he's in that "super-focused" zone. Like when he's on the computer. Sometimes he'll be surfing the net, watching a Yankees game or typing and I'll start a conversation and I'll ask him if he's listening to me and he swears he can type or watch TV and and listen at the same time. So not true!

Please tell me how it goes if you ask him. I'm afraid it will either cause one of his outbursts or he'll withdraw from me for a long time -- or forever.

And to LuvAS: In my three years with him he always comes back. I've learned how to talk him down from his outbursts by using a really calm voice and repeating the same things over and over to get him calm. Sometimes it can take an hour or more but it works. It took me a while to figure out how to deal specifically with him but I can do it.

Recently he got turned down from a job interview and didn't talk to me for days. I called him at work twice a day like I always do and he'd say, "I have nothing to talk about, I gotta go." Same thing when I called at night to say goodnight. He didn't want to see me for three days either but he came back. He just needed time to get over the rejection which is an issue he cannot handle.

He's going on two job interviews next week and I don't know what's worse, him not getting the jobs, or him having to move for the job. He wants me to go with him and I'm so torn as to what to do. I love where I live and my friends and job are here.

I know I can make new friends because I'm very outgoing and I know I can get another job in my field but I'm scared the move with send him into all kinds of darkness because of the stress he'll be under. He's moving because his dad has Alzheimer's and he wants to be near him before he forgets who he is.

Does anyone know if neurologically Alzheimer's and autism are connected? Probably a dumb question because I don't think they are but I'm not sure.

My psychiatrist diagnosed him when we were in couples therapy a year ago and now I see her alone which is how I found out. I asked her what she thought and she said she most definitely thinks he's an Aspie but didn't want to tell me unless I asked. I'll ask her this Tuesday how and if she thinks I should approach it and I'll let you guys know.


OK, I'm going to ask him this weekend. I need to muster up the nerve first. I'll let you all know how it turned out after the weekend or sooner. I feel the same as you, LuvAS. He's starting to give me that revenge look. And it seems as if he's getting further and further from me.

Do you try to talk to him in a kind of out of your way manner? I can't do that because as it is I have a deep voice and trying to sound like Merilyn Monroe's voice is just not me. I do try to use nice words at times but other times I'm blunt. I hope you all have a nice weekend with your families. I will try.


I think it's a good idea to ask them and put our responses together, but I don't know if mine is coming back. Do you guys ever feel like your boyfriends or husbands will not return when they disappear?

As for other conditions other than Asperger's, well, my friend has anxiety, depression, ocd and i believe ptsd. Sometimes he shows signs of schizophrenia and bipolar, but it's tough to make that call without proper diagnoses by a professional.

I know that those conditions I've mentioned can often look like each other. Does that make sense to you guys?


I think I'm going to ask my husband if he's willing to get diagnosed. I will ask him tomorrow. But I've got to confess to you guys one thing: two months ago, I told my husband that I had a form of autism, (I fibbed) just to get him to feel a little comfortable with me and open up his problems. Well, it backfired on me.

The reason I found this site is because he was the one looking into autism in its different forms because he thinks I am the one with the problem. Actually, he pinpointed to the tee his own problem. Yet, he still thinks I am the one with the problem of aspie, if that's a word.

Tonight, he got on the computer and found another site on aspies and it was talking about women with the problem. Yikes. They don't think that they have a problem. He even told my son two days ago that he was doing research on aspergers because he remembers me telling him about two months ago that I had a form of it. How did he remember that? He seems to forget so, so many things and conversations we have had in the last five months. Wow, that is scary.

I wonder if he has other sick problems along with aspie. What do you guys think? Or am I going crazy? Well, anyway, we should all ask our mates if they are willing to get tested and put our responses together and see if we could make sense of it. What do you all say?


One more thing: does anyone else want to ask their partners if they've ever been diagnosed? I have a feeling my boyfriend knows but we never discuss it because I'm afraid to ask.


Flossie made a great point when mentioning the importance of having friends to reach out to during the hard times.

I have surrounded myself with wonderful women in my life who I can talk to about situations with my boyfriend. Without that support I would be lonely as a stone. And yes, the good times with us outweigh the bad. But the bad is bad and when he's in a dark place, or having an outburst, I feel like I want out right that very second. But after he comes around it's great. So confusing!


It's 2010 and I don't feel so alone now knowing that I can come here and see what's happening in other people's situations.

It's weird, but we are not alone in our loneliness when the "shutdown" is on. I guess if we decide to stay with them - and the good times far outweigh the bad in my situation - then we have some place to come to and honor ourselves during this process.

LuvAS, my night last night was just like yours. That's when friends are so important.


I'm so glad we have this place too. It's hard finding other forums where the women with Aspie partners respond so quickly and all are going through the same things. It's really cool that we found this place!

That being said, it's now been a little over three weeks and not a single word from him. I'm worrying that he has decided to end the relationship. He has done this before but this time feels different somehow, unless it's just my emotions talking/thinking.

Either way, I'm sad tonight, confused and lonely. I miss my Aspie friend.


I'm sorry too that he has been shut down for so long. Mine is still there even though we did talk yesterday about his court appearance which he apparently forgot to go to on Wednesday. All turned out OK for him since his ex also forgot to appear.

After I got it out from him to tell me about it, he shut down again. It's as if he has nothing to talk to me about. If it is your choice to stay with him don't give up on hope. He's not a hermit right? When things in his life start coming up again he just might snap out of it.

You have a good group for support in this page, so use us to vent if you must. You guys are also helping me. We all need to talk at times. Don't feel bad. You guys are really great.


Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have been turning my head inside out wondering what the hell is going on with my partner and I have finally found the answer. Thank you to the partners for sharing their experiences re the "shutdown" aspect of AS.

Reading those posts blew me away. It was like I had written them myself. My partner is not diagnosed but his son has many AS traits and reading all of these posts has pretty much confirmed it for me that he too may have AS.

I am the opposite of my partner, very open with my emotions and how I feel, so I am so glad it is not "about me" as I work hard at balancing this relationship. It is very difficult to try and understand how they can "lock" you out without taking it personally.

I haven't seen my partner for a week. He sometimes sends an email or txt - trivial content just to maintain some contact. When I get to see him is anyone's guess. We don't live together - he is my next door neighbor - which makes it more difficult.

I would like to hear from an AS person with any advice they could give me, a non-AS person on how I can better deal with the "shutdown" phase.

Like what you go through during that time away from your loved ones, just to give us a better understanding. I am so grateful I have found this website - I may get some tools to assist both of us when this situation occurs.


I'm sorry for all of your sadnesses. We are all writing about these feelings and concerns we have and are neglecting our own happiness. We need to get out of that zone of depression that is creeping into our own lives all because we don't understand aspies.

If it is an abnormal disorder then, really, there is nothing we can do about it. We just need to learn to adjust our own lives while at the same time keep our own sanity. We can do it.

And if some of us decide to stick it out with them, then that's good too. But we should try and be happy and find things that will keep us built up. Tell me something you like to do that makes you happy. Then maybe we can chat over our own success. I love to write stories and lyrics. Maybe we can join together and write stories or song lyrics. I've been thinking of writing a song about aspies. Can anyone help me? Hope to hear from you.


GracieJoy, thanks for responding. I understand how you feel about not being sure if you can do this for the rest of your life. As for you talking him through these shutdown times, I would happily do that, if he would let me.

He won't speak to me when he is like this. It hurts even more because he talks to a few others during these shutdowns and pretends like nothing is wrong but with me, it's dark and cold and I don't know how to get him to talk to me. Maybe this time he isn't coming back.

This is the longest so far that he has shut me out so, and I'm trying to emotionally detach myself but still be there for him when or if he does return. I'm at a loss.

I have lots of love and caring to offer and will, and would, if he would just let me. Thanks again and I wish you the best with your situation.


@LuvAS: My boyfriend often shuts down for days. I just try to keep the conversation light and go about my business. He just has to get through that dark period on his own.

Sometimes we are powerless to do anything and it is incredibly sad, lonely and uncomfortable. We don't live together. We used to but he moved out because he needed his own space, which makes it easier to deal with because he's not around me when he's like that. But I call him every day through these periods and talk to him about his favorite obsession -baseball - and he seems to cheer up a bit.

Sometimes all we can do is tell them we love and care about them and wait it out. It's tough. Right now, I'm deciding if I should follow him to another state for a job but I have to decide if I want to continue being in a relationship which has such an emotional void.

I love him to death but I'm just not sure I can spend the rest of my life with him. This is nothing against Aspies but more like my own personal choice. I don't mean to offend.


@ls2010: Now that I realize my friend is most likely an Aspie, I know that I can handle things differently with him. I see all of the things that I did wrong prior to realizing this disorder.

Now that he has shut down for these few weeks, I don't know how to get him to open back up and start talking again. What really hurts is seeing him talk to a few others and acting like nothing at all is wrong but being stone cold with me.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can get him to come back around? I'm trying to do the thing where I act like nothing is wrong, but even that isn't working.

He has so much other stress going on right now. I often wonder if he even realizes how much time has passed.


We've been married five months. This round I haven't tried talking to him. But all the other times I had to be the one to break him out of it, just by talking to him about anything and I guess pretending there's nothing wrong for the moment.

I want to let it go on and on to see what happens but that's not healthy.

He's in his own world and in order to communicate with him you have to jump into his world. It's a lonely place for me.


ls2010, mine is on his third week tomorrow. Do you try to talk to him, does he just ignore you and walk away? How long have you been married?


He shuts down quite often because, in our recent marriage I'm trying to communicate everything that is a problem that really needs to be addressed because it's bad, and every time I do try to talk to him about such issues, he shuts down. It's like he's giving me the silent treatment and he is. Once I waited to see how far he would go, and he's still going, going, going. It seems as if he'd rather not talk to me so that I wouldn't confuse his mentality or something like that.

When he gets into this mood, he also gets into a strict routine as if to show me that he is shut down. He comes from work, checks the garden, changes his clothes, sits on the love seat and watches tv until he falls asleep watching it, and when I come in at around 11 p.m. and shut down the tv, he jumps as if he gets startled and then he turns his back to the tv and then after a few minutes, he gets up and goes to his isolated room to sleep.

He's been doing this for three weeks straight now. Spooky.


Question: Are any of you involved with or were you involved with an Aspie who shut down and wouldn't return calls, texts, e-mails, etc. when feeling highly stressed? It makes you feel like you no longer exist and causes a lot of confusion for the person on the receiving end of this behavior.

It causes a lot of fear and people think: did I do something wrong, will he/she ever come back? Each time my friend has come back but this is the fourth time and I am feeling very discouraged. Why do they do this and how can you get them to open back up rather than waiting for the stress to be resolved?


I have a question.

My friend, undiagnosed AS, disappears from our friendship when ever he is under stress. He doesn't completely ignore everyone but it seems most everyone.

Once his stress dies down, he shows back up in my life after weeks of not returning calls, emails, texts, nothing. Then he acts surprised that his acting like I no longer exist has hurt my feelings. He says I'm weird for being hurt.

My question is: is this common, is this a shutdown? Will he always come back? I love him and don't want to lose him when he gets like this. I feel so bad because he misunderstands almost everything I express to him and takes everything so so so literally. I want to make this work.


My husband of five months is showing symptoms of being an Aspie. He says that a while back the doc labeled him with bi-polar, but my husband doesn't feel that is the problem. He was put on meds for some time and he got off them. He said that he didn't feel normal with them, so he got off of them.




Re Post 97 (68465) and to all other women who may now realize their husband/partner or ex-husband/partner may have Aspergers. Over the past two days it has become clear (via school and concerned friends) that my eight year old son may have Aspergers.










@146: Yes - Don't! Aspies feel normal emotions, but we have a disability akin to dyslexia. We can't vocalise feelings, you need to accept that, and frankly you NTs forcing us to hate you.










The diagnosis of aspergers is totally misunderstood. For a good look at a mother with aspergers who is raising a severely autistic son, there are some accounts online. The mother of this boy in these videos is clearly aspergers or at least has major autistic tendencies, but it is something so subtle and overwhelmed by the situation she is in, few people have noticed this.

If you notice in one of her videos, while her autistic son is having self injurious behavior, she is bothered by the "commercials" and the "songs" on the radio. This is a tell tale sign of aspergers at its highest functioning, as she appears to be very high functioning, but only exhibits aspergers/autistic traits if you look at her life closely. Of supreme importance is the fact her son is severely autistic. This is no coincidence, my friends.

Researchers still don't understand the connection of high functioning aspergers parents and autism, even low functioning autistic children.


I've never been diagnosed with aspergers. So i don't know if have it. But i can relate to most of the things I've heard about it. i think i have it.

What i want to know is, i was just watching this movie Magnificent 7 with Helena Bonham Carter. It's a good movie. It's about a woman with four boys who all have some form of autism. There's a boy in it that has aspergers. He is getting tested and he's shown a picture of a piece of cardboard with a smiley face on it. I would at the age of 20 say there's a smiley face on it. But he at the age of 12 says it's just a piece of cardboard.

What i want to know is, is it possible that i have aspergers even though i would notice the smiley face? Does that sound like aspergers to people. To notice the smiley face or not? That's what i want to know. If you have aspergers are you more likely to notice the smiley face? Or more likely to not?


My mom thinks I have Aspergers. When she shared this with me I started reading about it and now I totally agree with her.






Oh, I remember another obsession: Cinderella. I think my mom wanted to burn that tape. LOL. I was always talking to adults, in a very adult like manner. Kids my age thought I was weird (hence the bullying and teasing).



How do you differentiate an anti-social disorder from Aspergers? I think I'm weird so I'm going to go and look up a neurological disease so I can be at ease. Pharmaceutical companies have their greedy paws so deep into the medical doctors' pockets that they are pulling diseases out of said pockets.

According to the list of symptoms, over half the people I know could be diagnosed as having Aspergers. People are such hypochondriacs now days. Hell, I could easily say I have it. I'm the most awkward person I know. But, no, I embrace my weirdness and move along with life.




I'd never heard of Asperger's until I'd been in an Aspie relationship for 15 years. I found out by accident when discussing a neighbor's autistic grandson with him. My husband's behavior was similar. One thing led to another and I discovered AS. It was a relief to finally know the reasons for my husband's odd behavior. To those in love with Aspies, I pray you will have the strength to deal with the issues you face each and every day. God bless you.


Wow. Reading these posts has opened by eyes to the true reality of Asperger's - not just what they say in textbooks, but how it affects people's lives. I am convinced I have many traits of it, as does my boyfriend.







I'm a 30 year old woman and I believe I have AS. I've always felt odd and different from everyone else. I used to think that my shyness and my inability to make friends was due to lack of socialization as a child. I was not around anyone except for family until I was in kindergarten.

The older I get, the worse it seems to have gotten. I still live in the same city I grew up in, yet I only have one friend. I've always envied other women who seemed to make friends so easily and were likable. I find it almost impossible now to form a friendship.












It is difficult to talk with him as he takes everything I say to heart, that it's to him about him when in reality I have been referring to a TV show or another person. He blames me for his inability to socialize with women. In fact, he blames me for his life being what it is.



I wish someone would respond to this post regarding parental relationships with AS grown children.

It hurts to think that our relationship is over and done.


I work for a man who is a right pain in the butt. Then I suddenly got a thought he might have Aspergers. I read up and he ticks off all the boxes. Now I have more empathy and will try not to think he is such a jerk anymore. Information and knowledge helps.


I am the mother of a young woman with Asperger's. I am also a special education teacher and got into this field because of what I learned as a parent. I have read every post on this site and feel incredible empathy for some of the people who have have expressed how difficult their lives are. My daughter is now 20 (2010) and if there is anything that I have learned either as a parent or as a teacher, I thought I would share my thoughts in case it helps someone:

Diagnosis can be really difficult. Twenty years ago, Asperger's wasn't well known and it took us a long time to get a diagnosis. My daughter was 15 by the time she was diagnosed, even though she was seeing several specialists.

We are all individuals, and two people with Asperger's can appear quite different. My daughter is extremely kind, empathic and interested in how other people feel. Nonetheless, she has Asperger's.

Although most people who have Asperger's have a special, intense interest, not everyone does. Some people have shifting intense interests.


I think it's helpful to get a "label" as early as possible to share with your family and the school because that way you can learn about the diagnosis and find resources. Get your child on an Individualized Education Program (IEP) to get special education services in school. Your child may or may not need special help academically, but certainly your child should get social pragmatic training or social skills. This is now done in schools. For any IEP which identifies a student with an Autism Spectrum Disorder, the federal law requires that the school identify what social skill training the school is giving the student.



While there are no medications specifically for Asperger's, if you have intense irritability or depression, you may benefit from mood stabilizers and or anti-depressants. Get a doctor who is really a specialist in treating people with ASD or Asperger's.



Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is the therapy which is highly recommended for people with Asperger's. Find a therapist who really is a specialist at working with patients who have ASD or Asperger's. Together, you and your therapist target specific behaviors which are causing you the most difficulty. The therapist will then assign certain "homework", in which you practice new responses and new behaviors. Practicing, with a therapist's support and advice, will help you develop new strategies.

I suggest coming up with a clear explanation of Asperger's as it applies to you. Use it when you meet new people or are experiencing difficulty somewhere. Explain to the person you are dealing with that you have Asperger's and you have difficulty with social cues. Although you may not respond in the same way others might, you mean no offense and would appreciate it if people could try to make their concerns clear to you.


I really hope this helps even a little.







Does this sound familiar to anyone?


My uncle suggested that my mom may have aspergers. after reading up on it, i think she just might. she also has epilepsy, which may have hidden or covered a lot of the clues.





I have read all 163 posts here and several case studies from the Harvard School of Medicine. The hardest part for me has been separating the aspie symptoms from the person.


My experience with a Bi-polar wife of 22 years helps some, but my experience is that eventually love is overwhelmed by the non functionality of the loved one and their disorder. Sad but true. my heart goes out to the aspies and their spouses and I am proud of my daughter's determination to make her relationship work, yet I have sadness knowing the probable outcome.


I have asperger's, and like post no. 5 i have a family member that i am almost positive has AS, but it's not my brother -- it's my father.




When i knew about myself having AS only this year and I'm 25, i was happy that i knew what's going on with me but at the same time i was very sad, cried and felt hurt very deep inside me. i don't know the reaction of a father receiving this information from his child, since he is over 60 years old.

I am afraid that something bad might happen to him, like severe depression or something else. Also i don't think that i can approach a friend of his if this is a suggestion, as he has no friends.

Do you think i could approach him with the idea that he might have AS (He is my father and over 60 years old), and if so,how?

Or better not shock him after all these years?

I desperately need your opinion. Thank you.



I am deathly afraid of failure. I have never found my niche in life.I have above average intelligence but cannot complete my undergraduate degree. I love science and play many instruments.


Recently, my mother revealed to me that when I was younger the doctor diagnosed me with mild autism, which I now know is aspergers. My mother ignored the diagnosis and pushed me even harder. I wish she hadn't done that because maybe I would have a better quality of life today. I am always so confused and torn by how to react to situations and fearful that if I react wrong I will be punished in some sort of way.













What put him in the AS category was the following:

1. Extreme knowledge/Intelligence. This child carries out conversations as if he were an adult. In fact, he would rather function in the adult world than in his own. He has a vocabulary that overwhelms me and he knows the meaning of each word and if he doesn't he asks.

A true walking encyclopedia as Aspies are often labeled. But when he started second grade this year he couldn't even read on a Kindergarten basis.












This is incredible. I think I just inadvertently realized my husband may have Aspergers. I've got a 2 1/2 year-old son who doesn't have an official diagnosis yet, but looks to be at the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum.


I was reading up on Aspergers and read this site and these postings. This is my husband to a tee -- and his father, my father-in-law, as well. In fact, it explains so much about his family who I've always described as less of a family and more a group of preoccupied, absorbed individuals. None of my husband's siblings -- all in their 40's and 50's -- have ever been ever to find partners and seem to struggle with relationships.

I've always worked hard to connect with his brother, whose conversations are totally one-sided. They all tend toward long one-sided monologues where the patient listener is dragged along for the ride and rarely reciprocated. That's three generations, and from what I've gathered, great-grandfather seemed to struggle with some difficult issues and had a job that required intense focus.

My life has taken and unexpected turn with my son's Autism/Aspergers. But he is my gift, and I pray that I have the grace to understand him, support him and help him unfold and develop into a wonderful, resilient, happy and fulfilled person.



To the person who asked whether anyone else walks around with their head down: yes. I am like that, my grandpa was like that, his brother was like that.




I came to the conclusion he was just a jerk and I loved the wrong man and now I am very sure this is what he has. I love him very very much but apparently I scare him because I ask him to communicate and talk and open his mind to new ideas and this is too much for him.



I am a 41 year old married woman with two boys (both Aspies!) a girl (probably an Aspie!) and my husband is an Aspie as well! I've been reading all these posts and can say that my heart goes out to all of you!





Second: See if you can find an occupational therapist who does sensory integration.

Third: Take a martial arts class.


Fifth: Try to unplug from the TV or Computer and go outside in nature! Find a stream, river or creek and play and listen to the water. My husband and kids are all fascinated by water!

Sixth: Try not to be so hard on yourself!



Ninth: Unless you have another diagnosis, (like bipolar) get off your meds! Most meds do not work for Aspies! None of my kids or husband are on drugs (except for like asthma and blood pressure).


The best way to go about this diet is to visit a Celiac website and follow the instructions for a wheat free and gluten free and casein free diet. I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that this has made the biggest difference in my children's lives. We also went dye free, preservative free, hormone free, sugar free and organic as well! We use rice milk, rice flours for cooking and baking and rice or corn pasta, lots of veggies and hormone free meats. We have done a lot of experimenting over the years with what worked and what didn't and watched our kids get "high" off of wheat foods and not get "high" on rice and corn.






Her oldest son was diagnosed with AS but my ex-girlfriend has not come to terms with her own unique behaviors. Biggest problems have been: aggressiveness, inappropriate behaviors, obsession with single topics, not picking up on social cues, and taking things inappropriately - not really stealing but seeming greedy.











2) You know where he is at night; watching baseball or a movie. Not out spending money, meeting women, drinking, etc.


Family gatherings usually only occur if and because you arrange them with his mother.

4)If and when you have kids, he would rather take care of them than go "out and about" with you. This allows you to get some much needed and deserved alone time.

5) He will usually do whatever you tell him to, in terms of cleaning, fixing things, bathing the children, etc.





Please note that most of what I get irritated over and I blame on my husband's Asperger's is common to the male genetic code and the success of your relationship will be to "pick your battles" and be grateful that, although you have to instruct him as you would when scripting computer code, at least he is willing to do it. Many "normal" men aren't.












this was diagnosed as many things over the years at different times by different doctors who saw various symptoms. at the times she was being treated for one or the other of her symptoms, she was beating on me and sometimes i feel like running away but at least now these tantrums have a name and i am learning how to handle her aggression better.



I love her so much but doors keep closing. if there is any one out there who can help, keep in mind before you answer i am a mother who has been trying. She has been denied her disability three times and has had this condition, or signs of it, since a very young age and was treated by psychiatrist until she was 18. Then she decided she wouldn't listen to them (and they were of little assistance ) or me so i have just prayed a lot and try to let her have her independence and watch after her daily by either being with her myself or making sure someone is, because without even realizing it, she can be a danger to herself and others.


i will greatly appreciate any help and advice that is sincere. thank you all once more. --loving mother


I am currently in a sic-month relationship with a 24 year old whom I totally and completely love. He has Asperger's.








I couldn't find "Adam" online.







There are other similar to temperaments things about me. Some are like Asperger's.

Maybe the Asperger's test and a temperament test can tell complimentary things about an introvert.






The Apostles made personal mistakes, but God revealed his Father's pastoral direction and truths he was ready to reveal to us through them, anyway, so don't let the scandals make you indifferent about a true church, which I said what it is.

We even have a Guardian Angel and a patron saint or two (can't do well to leave out Christ's mother and foster-father) for certain petitions, through whom you can offer up to God your praise, penitence, petition and anything else, as they lived heroic lives of grace and can make our prayers from our sinful selves more positively answered. St. Dymphna can, for example, help with mental troubles.









When it's just me all by myself and I am working on someones car I'm OK. I can fix the cars, but I can't keep the people happy. I've had people say that I'm odd, some use the word different.

One person recently asked me if I have heard of Aspergers so I have been reading and found this site. I'm really wondering about this, and am really apprehensive about posting this now that I wrote it.






Some may be in their own shell, just for being shy or maybe because of a hyper-critical or kneejerk shouter parent, who shouts at an sensitive kid inconsistently or whose shouting unnerves a sensitive child and may affect bolder siblings in a different way. Maybe none of that happened, but the kid got teased and deep-down, had no connection made with his/her peers.








God help us and those who love us all.


i just came across this site and am desperate to talk to someone. I know this is anon, but i just read this woman's post and realized she was describing the way my boyfriend behaves. I am posting today in the hopes of either contacting her or finding someone else in similar situation. I just really want to somehow contact her because i have some questions which i want to compare with my boyfriend's symptoms. she goes by the handle -anon78631 and the post number is 121. anon78631, if you see my post, i would so appreciate in learning more about your experience with your ex husband. If you'd rather not, i at least wanted to thank you for completely altering my outlook which thereby has forced me to now feel mercy and compassion to someone i was certain was selfish and callous. Your words just made an aspie get a second chance he so desperately deserves.

I feel so horrible for being so harsh with my boyfriend and exacerbating his symptoms with my hurtful words. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as i have, but I've always been skeptical about his bp symptoms since they are so different from mine. I've seen him depressed, but never manic in the euphoric/social sense which is why the bpd diagnosis didn't sit right with me. See, i am classic textbook b minus the psychotic part which is why i can easily recognize the typical symptoms.

Of, I'll try to be brief. Here's the scoop. This past year we both found a new psychiatrist who was great and just a few months ago the doctor told my boyfriend that he suspected my boyfriend had asperger's. Sadly, this same doctor died suddenly and unexpectedly a week ago.

My boyfriend was just admitted into a psych ward for depression. He had already started feeling depression for some time, but I, in my ignorance, exploded on him due to my growing resentments and hurt (with regards to what i interpreted as selfishness, self absorption, disinterest in hearing "my stories", but has no problem going on and on about his.)

His social problems have been a great source of conflict between us and just before he went into the hospital, i said and did some pretty hurtful things because i felt so rejected, unloved and unappreciated. I'm not at all that type of vindictive cruel sort of person, but my reaction was partly due to past ex-boyfriend hurt projections and my wanting to "shake him up" for an emotional response. Part of my thinking was sort of along the lines of: "if i get him to cry, (which he never has), then I'd know there are signs of life".

I broke up with him before he left and told him i couldn't marry him. I even took out the engagement ring he had hidden from me (which he didn't know i knew about) and i put on a pretty dramatic show. I know i am extremely broken from my own past wounds and mood disorder which had much to do with what drove me to those lengths, but after reading this woman's story, it made me take my former doctor's recent diagnosis seriously.

I knew a bit about asperger's syndrome before and did see common traits in my boyfriend, but they didn't seem "strong" enough to fit the bill (from what i understood about the syndrome) and thought that maybe the doctor misdiagnosed him or that my boyfriend may have wanted to use it as an excuse for what i interpreted as "coldness" even though he can also be very very sweet and warm and romantic.

The romantic part was mostly expressed in written form before we met in person, so i had these very high expectations and hence, my drama.

So, all this to say, my boyfriend doesn't seem to have the extremes of asp. i see here, but he hates the phone, avoids social events/crowds and even one on one time with anyone else but me or a therapist who will allow him to talk about himself forever.


Oh, and he also shows some signs/routines he and i have always thought of as ocd. Oh and yeah, he was a loner in school growing up, thin skinned and bullied. Bottled up rage because he didn't "speak up" for himself.

OK, I'm done. Sorry for the length. I'm in manic mode. Is there a way that someone could help me by putting me in touch with wives of husbands with asp. so i can learn to better cope and understand his symptoms? I would love it if this woman (anon78631) would see my post and respond to me here on this site.

Thanks for listening, monica


121: People with Asperger's Syndrome do not lack emotion. People with Asperger's Syndrome have the same emotions as everyone else, there is just a barrier in communication which prevents them from realizing the emotional tone of the situation, and prevents them from expressing their emotions sufficiently to the rest of the world.



You should take the words over non-verbal cues with someone with Asperger's Syndrome.

- anon78631









I don't get Mothers Day, Valentines Day, etc.



These are just some of the feelings of having Aspergers.


My oldest boy has mild autism. My younger son is my clone, with aspergers. And my daughter has mild asperger's.

And oh yes another trait. Stubbornness.







As I entered second grade, my teacher suspected I was more intelligent than other kids and tested me. I scored an I.Q. of 149 and was entered into the M.G.M. program in the 1960's, however this only exacerbated my emotional problems by isolating me even further from the friends and relationships I so desperately needed in my life. I quit the M.G.M. later that year.












I'm a 35 year old lady with Aspergers. I had an appalling first 18 years due to ignorance, bullying and abuse. I left high school with my self esteem in tatters and found it hard to cope in the adult world afterward.

Despite my high intelligence, I've pretty well let down my family by not being able to go into a white collar career that matches my IQ. Currently, I work in a restaurant. It's OK and pays quite well. My relationships ended in failure because none of the men were suitable. They had issues of their own. I'll never have children and find that quite uncomfortable, especially when I see young mothers pushing prams.




















I have recently been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and believe my older brother has it too, so I believe it is genetic.

I have felt different for years now and have finally arrived at a diagnosis. I was self-diagnosed before being officially diagnosed with Aspergers a couple of months ago. I have finally put a name to why I have felt different for 29 years of my life.













I wish in a way that I had been diagnosed as a child, but like so many others who have Aspergers who have been diagnosed, I am realizing what it is like to see the world differently.


@anon82359. (comment #128)

I really hope you get this. I have sons and a husband who have Asperger's Syndrome.

I really feel for you and what you are going through, and want you to know that there are things you can do! I also pray that you will come to realize that having Aspergers is not a curse - it is a blessing to you and to your family. I know that may sound nuts to you right now, but I'd really like to help you to see things differently.

I love my "Aspie" family!


I am also starting a blog soon about how Aspergers blesses our family.

Good luck on your journey. Corine





My wife (third) thought I should feel "happy" and "relieved" to know what I have. Nope, don't feel that at all. It makes me sad. But then again everything makes me sad. Since the is no cure, or medication to relieve symptoms, I find it hard to be excited I have this diagnosis. At least with my mental disorders, I have hope that we will eventually hit that right med combo, that will "fix" me (although I've been trying different med combos for 30 years with no success).






Every day I think "tonight I am not going to play poker, I am going to spend quality time with my wife and step kids" but when I get home there I go into my cocoon. Thinking all right, I will start tomorrow. But...





I am 32, a mother of a six year old very energetic and lovable daughter. I live with my boyfriend who is also 32 and has six six year old autistic child. The four of us live together.




My boyfriend is very kind hearted. He was very quiet as a child and teachers could not get him to speak in class. Outside of school he was very outgoing with his friends and at times he would do what a normal teenager would do: get in trouble.




Along with this there are also many symptoms that we have. I have severe anxiety, he is very mellow. I'd rather be at home watching tv, he would rather be out all day. I stress myself about whether this relationship is even going to work? --"ASADELJD"


i think my brother has asperger's syndrome. He now has a son with autism and only now recognises some of the symptoms in himself.

He's 44 now and I hardly ever have contact with him. He was awful to live with as a child/teenager and his behavior destroyed our relationship. He didn't even come to my wedding because he was on a course at work!

I've come to live with the fact that we don't have a relationship. I know from my mother, aged 73 (when my brother usually rings her at midnight till 2 a.m.) that he never speaks about me and I guess it's never occurred to him how he's affected me or the rest of the family.





I believe my eldest son has asperger's syndrome. He doesn't show any emotion and i cannot remember him ever hugging me even as a toddler.

He went overseas to see his father and with the information written out precisely for him he managed to get five connecting flights without being fazed.









to anon71752, post 105: Your comment about living as an Aspie is extremely well-written and informative, and your suggestions for learning how to communicate with us is right on. Those reading this site would do well to take your advice to heart. Kudos!


My son was just formally and clinically diagnosed with Aspergers. Since I was told that it mostly occurs in males I went on a search and read up on this weird thing et voila! Yep, it described my life experiences to a tee!
















She has worked with children with autism. One day I approached her and told her I thought I had a lot of the symptoms of aspergers. I heard the term used a lot throughout my wife's career in special ed. She agreed with me and informed me that she didn't want to bring it up because she didn't know how I would respond.


It all adds up now and I'm OK with it. I'm 35 years old and for the first time in my life I am comfortable with myself. I thank God for aspergers.






When i was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome i did a lot of research about it and through that i discovered why it is the way i am and how difficult it has been to stay in full time work with employers not giving me a chance.

i have always been told that i was always too slow or couldn't get the hang of new things quickly as employers wanted me too. i have been out of paid work now for almost five years. Has anyone else had similar experiences?


I don't know if I have Aspergers, but I have always felt "different" and that I don't fit in.




In my quest for answers and understanding, I have read many of Dr Phil's books, "Depression, The way out of your prison" by Dorothy Rowe, "What does everybody else know that I don't" by Michele Novotni (about ADD), and "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. My only grandmother and mother died when I was 15 and 16 respectively.



I don't have any friends and I don't get on well with my children. My daughter absolutely hates me and seems to be still trying to exact a revenge for something.




The depression I have lived with since the death of my mother and grandmother deepened with the CFS.

I could not socialise when I was younger as I felt so shy and weird and had always been criticized so much that my confidence was zilch.


I have two failed marriages behind me, but I don't think I can be solely blamed for those. I seem to attract the selfish, the manipulators and the abusers. I ended up thinking, I don't want another relationship if it's not a quality one.

My post is probably all over the place, but reading a lot of these posts brought my emotions to the surface. Unlike what appears to be the case with Asperger's, I have an overabundance of emotion and struggle to hide it.

I do feel that I talk in shorthand.



I have a 40 year old son and daughter-in-law who both seem to have Asperger's. My wife and I don't know what we can and should do. They lack the skills to deal with each other and their relationship or lack thereof has led him to depression and her to violent anger.

Any suggestions about intervention? We feel compelled to do something to help them out of their downward spiral that is hurting them, their children and, quite frankly, us as well.


"All Cats have Asperger's" is a must read if you have or know someone with Aspergers.



I always knew there was something different (him as well) yet thought it was just "the way we were". That of course being Asperger's. I am not positive yet, as my daughter and I do need to get tested.


We have been seeing the signs, yet it seems that you need to march in to your doctors office with multiple choice answers rather than completely oblivious.



My boyfriend is 44 and has been on antidepressant meds for years. The problem is that I knew he didn't fit the bi-polar profile. From everything I have been reading, Asperger's is an almost perfect fit.




















I'm not convinced that I have Aspergers, but I do have some of the symptoms and have had them my entire life. Depression can mimic Aspergers, but an Aspergers diagnosis is much more accepted by society than that of depression.





I am so happy i ran across this website, as now i got the answer to a weird behavior of person i truly love who probably has not yet been diagnosed.

Just like someone else said before,this behavior has been very much a problem for me at times making me question myself so much and thought that his mood swings and behavior patterns had something to do with me, but now i realize that i was wrong and probably hurting him as much.

Thank you very much.













I wish we could talk about it all one day.









Another benefit of having an official diagnosis is just knowing. I know Aspies who have self-diagnosed themselves and they are constantly working to prove to themselves and others that their self-diagnosis is as valid as any professionals.


Researching has given me such self-confidence. There are people out there that deal with Aspergers. There are successful people. Well-liked people. People who have learned to use the strengths of the Aspergian nature and still fit in well enough to communicate.







I find it so much easier to listen and learn, than to participate in talking and miss so much of the conversation. I could be those stony faced Aspies that are out to sea, except I do understand the humor eventually.









It is what is on my mind.










Post No. 103: You and your husband are in my prayers.

















I'm 42 years old and was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. And I'm glad i found this web page.I always knew that i was different from everyone else when I was a teenager. Now I know why.


I'm 21 years old. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was 12 years old. Even before I was diagnosed I always knew I was different from everyone else.


Since I first started working three years ago I've had four different jobs and I hated them all. The worst was my latest job as a delivery driver at Papa John's. The managers there even knew I had Asperger's Syndrome because my mom told them, but they still treated me like crap and none of the employees liked me because they thought I was weird.



There are a lot of Asperger's communities out there, and for someone who hasn't yet been clinically diagnosed with AS, but is just about positive s/he has it, it can be unnerving and extremely disheartening to join a community that treats them with distrust amd ostracism, when they only want to understand more about themselves.


Sincerely, Kerenina


















This is to posting number 28. I am 44 years old and female too. I think younger folk have it better cause of non-bullying programs at school and the advantages of diversity in society thanks to open forums about learning disabilities.

Today, its OK to be different, but back then it was not so much. I did not learn about my having Asperger's until recently. My son was diagnosed at eight years old, nine years ago.












It always upset me that I had to go to special education classes for the mentally challenged and I was correcting the teachers (i feel looking back on it that they did not like me) on math problems.

Most of my math skills i am afraid disappeared due to being too lazy to read it back up. I am 22 and have no friends or even had a girlfriend. I am so alone, so very alone.


I feel that I ( a very smart and logical thinker at on time) am becoming stupid due to the fact that I can't move forward in my plan that i established with myself since the beginning of high school because i believe i am too nice and always think or know that my family needs me to help financially even when they say they can handle it on their own.

Oh no, I created a wall of bad grammar without realizing it, like all my other rants about stuff when I get in the mood. the only place I can talk normally is in text. and also, I think i am so Aspie that i can't even decide the exact location of the pain of anything or tell him/her the exact systems or what really happened when an emergency happens to me.

When i am almost to the point of crawling to place to place, sick, i still hesitate to go to the doctor. Like right now, i will probably never came to a conclusion with myself to get a doctor to look at me and diagnose me with Asperger's Syndrome because I have an unknown fear of all my answers or conclusions. What if i am wrong, what if i do get diagnosis, then an employer can say he found someone else.

i've been pushed down for many years for my answers and behavior so all i do now is listen and barely speak to those i do not know very well.

My sense of humor is that which no one gets but laughs anyway due to the fact that it makes no sense and i laugh. That is it for me.


Please read this! My younger brother has asperger's syndrome and he gets picked on a lot and has virtually no friends. It kills me inside. But anyone who suffers from asperger syndrome will get relief by doing one simple thing: attending a kingdom hall.





Unlike most, I've overcome my fear of looking others in the eye and instead have learned to use my creative/artsy side to hear the communication of others like music, then tear it down and rebuild it to fit in my head. Its a curse, but it works for me.


Thanks for all the postings that have helped me understand myself better!









I'm 52. AS is me. I have always suspected it. Every symptom is me. Three marriages. All failures, and, saddest of all, now that i understand, i can spot an AS kid a mile away. The mother always looks so harried.



I'm a 25 year old female and it's interesting to me, the concept of Asperger's, and the comments here which list symptoms and life experiences similar to my own.

I tend to be more of a loner and have trouble in certain social situations, but other times find myself completely confident, charming and secure. Deep down, I don't feel that I truly need anybody. I often feel like I am a shell of a person, going through the expected-of-me motions of everyday life without regard for the meaning or emotion behind them.


On the whole, I function quite well, with occasional depressive spells, the cause of which I usually attributed to PMS/hormones. I'm not opposed to "labeling" myself anything, least of all mild Asperger's, but I don't feel it's entirely necessary if I can lead a mostly "normal" life. Just a few thoughts.

Thanks for reading.


Does anyone know whether being Asperger's affects the likelihood of developing Alzheimer's in later life? I read somewhere that both affect the same areas of the brain, albeit in different ways.


My 20 year old son is in rehab for substance addiction and they have just diagnosed him with Asperger's.







i was 45 years old before i first learned about asperger's. of course i knew i was different. i was raised in a foster family who always found me weird. i learned to hide and fake it well enough, i suppose, but sometimes i am stubbornly rude or taking things literally just for a laugh.

i think it makes me angry that i must change to fit in. I've had many relationships but no one ever knew me. now I'm alone but not lonely.


with a lot of research and reading, a lot of ideas to help the Asperger's person can be implemented.

The CFGF diet will often help the person feel more comfortable as well, as it has done for my child. Also, OT and PT are helpful. Yoga stretches (there are DVDs for Yoga) are excellent!









I've still to this day never been in a fight before in my life, and I refuse to unless it comes to my kids, then I'll be out for blood. Still not a fighter though. After the navy I went on to work in the oil and gas industry in the Golf of Mexico. (Surprised I made it out alive) I got laid off after only nine months of being out of the navy. I had a wife and two small children depending on me and I didn't know which way to turn.


This time for something I love. Music! I'm getting my B.S. at Full Sail (paid for by uncle sam. *This being one of the reasons the Navy turned out not so bad) After that I plan to get my masters in entertainment business.


Last week my son (age three) got officially diagnosed with asperger's. I've been told that even I showed symptoms before, but I didn't know anything about it, and I always denied due to the fact that I didn't want to stick out even more, or have a "label".


I have still not been tested for asperger's, due to the lack of transportation which resulted from my ex and I splitting. But I do plan on going to the VA ASAP to get checked out.

The reason I felt so relived for my child was because of this: There appears to be a very strong possibility that I may have asperger's, and I've made it through college once already, the U.S. Navy, been to 46 other countries, was married, (and had we understood why I was the way I was, maybe it would have worked) had two of the greatest kids in the world, and now I'm back to chasing my dreams in music and back in college.









I was made fun of a lot as a child and often I would come home, go to my room and cry. My parents talked to the parents of the children who had made fun of me but that only made it worse because their parents thought it was funny.


If your child is making fun of another child, do not encourage them. It does not matter if making fun of someone makes them the cool kid or not.



i had a birthday party for the first time since i was a kid last month. i think it went well, but the emotional backlash was so unpleasant i don't know if i can do it again.

i have a few friends I spend time with, and now there are other people who want to be friends, and i find this so stressful.

i wonder if my teachers knew i had this. i was such a miserable child and have always had difficulty as an adult.


I always knew i was different from others but as i grew to my older teens, i thought i self diagnosed myself with autism but in my mind really knew i only had symptoms of autism not the full blown autism.

Then after my mom committed suicide i went into some therapy for many reasons and the doc pinpointed my diagnoses as aspergers. I am 38 years old and i have done a lot of self evaluating to help myself figure out what makes me who i am.

My traits like many above me are as follows: i don't like change, I am very routine-oriented, do not like crowds or to mingle in a group. i despise it. in general i hate people; i just tolerate them to do my job, etc. I love to be alone and many times have classified myself as a loner before i knew the term aspergers. I do better one on one with people but i have to trust them. i don't waste time on people in general. i could really care less if my coworker has three kids! i know that's bad but that's the way I'm wired.

Once you understand yourself and what makes you happy you will really enjoy life more. Like many above me i am gifted in numbers, not like in high end math, just like adding numbers up etc., and i thrive at my job because of it. i count money all day at a bank.

At home everything has a place; it must be in order and i am not married. I hope that helps some folks. i am older and have learned myself and what makes me happy and what doesn't. Keep in mind, though, i did get professional help at one point to help me compare notes with what i knew.


- anon54377: You describe many of my behaviors.








What should I understand/know?



I really would like to be enlightened by people who know first hand. Thank you.


I am 20 years old and I have aspergers. i do drive, but i still have no license, already took segment 1 and 2. I just need to do the road test, but my timing is slow and i don't think fast or quick enough, which is hard for me when i drive. i sometimes have a hard time making a decision my own. My brain is holding me back, which hurts me a lot.

when i was little i was weak couldn't work out, couldn't get out of a pool, or had a hard time giving eye contact to people. Living with Aspergers can be so miserable and stressful. sometimes i hate it and sometimes i accept it, but i did make lots of friends in HS.


Your last paragraph was right on, and while this has been one of the best "one pager's" I've found describing adult Asperger's, perhaps some of the language could be tweaked so that the article does not make the condition seems so much disease-like.




I have a strong interest in anthropomorphic animal art and animal spirituality, which also ties in with my interest in the furry fandom. My interests and abilities in art are probably above average. I remember watching this documentary about someone with aspergers who is really good with math and he was saying how he could see the numbers in front of him. I find that for me it is visualising furry art such as animal heads of wolves or felines.

I will sometimes stare at terrazzo concrete floors on subway stations or blotched color patterns on vinyl subway car flooring and I can also visualise furry art. I also find that my mood can go up or down sometimes not due to external factors and this can affect my rational line of thought.

I can be feeling lousy and I'll start ranting about how much my life sucks but with all things it passes. I admit that waiting four years after being diagnosed to do some research into aspergers is a little bit of time but initially I felt afraid that I would feel highly embarrassed to look myself in the mirror so to speak. I've also read that aspies have a hard time holding a job and I am happy that I've managed to hold the same job for seven years now. Fortunately the job is mostly independent of other team members and all through my childhood years my teachers would say how often I would work alone (although there were many a times I worked on school projects as a child and the others wouldn't put in their fair share so I just decided to have total control of my work).

I'm probably going on a bit. If a parent reading this has a child who thinks he or she has aspergers, rest assured that they are not alone in this world. I find that I get along very well with other people with AS so introducing them to an aspergers social club might very well be the best route to take.

Here in Toronto our public school board already has an afrocentric school and an alternative school for lgbt youth. With the right lobbying, perhaps creating schools specialising in accommodating students with AS could be achieved and help make the early years of those with AS more enjoyable.



Which once again I don't get it. If you call 911, my job is to come find the issue, assist in some relief of that issue and transport you all within standing orders and what your condition is with appropriate treatment! I do this and I am rude? What? I do the job!




My wife who is a 41 year old Aspie informed me the other day that she read about a mother who was giving her young son marijuana to help control his behavior. She makes it in a brownie and gives it to him either every day or every other day.














I always suspected it, but now I am convinced.




Also, I haven't read about hand flapping when excited. My adult brother did as a child (as does my grandson )and admits to trying to contain himself from rubbing his hands together really fast when excited, as an adult.







Dear God: could you do a miraculous healing for me? I am not sure what to think or do about this AS thing. Back in the 1960's, there was a Broadway play titled "Stop the World, I Want to Get Off". That's how I feel 40 percent of the time!


My boyfriend and I broke up about eight months ago and his sister just told me he had asperger's syndrome. This explains so much.



I never really thought about it until he joked about it but he was very right. I started looking up symptoms for it and found Asperger's. I was floored. Everything I read was about me and him. Then I figured out that my dad, who supposedly absolutely loves his family (so our hundreds of relatives claim) had been so cold to us growing up. He couldn't help it -- and I'm led to believe that people with AS attract others with AS because I'm pretty sure my strange mother has it too. they're pretty average people, incredibly loved by many people and my dad has more friends than anybody I know but none of them are close.

















Want to learn about Asperger's? Do some research. I think many of those who have posted their opinions are actually looking for an excuse to be found as 'poor misunderstood angelic beings' secretly blessed with far higher-than-normal intelligence and uncommon beauty. Asperger's is not about whining but about learning to live and cope with our difficulties.






I just don't know about all these new-fangled disorders. My grandson's preschool teacher had concerns about him relative to Asperger's syndrome. I asked her to give me an example of something that gave her concern. She said the children were in a circle, saying what they'd had for dinner the night before. The child before my grandson said he'd had chicken and peas. It was then my grandson's turn: He said that for dinner the night before he had chicken and peas. This, I gather, was an example of a symptom of Asperger's. guess what he'd had for dinner the night before! You got it - chicken and peas. We want to be careful, I know, and get our children any and all help they might need, but some of this is just "different strokes." My grandson is a *very* happy, enthusiastic, sociable, affectionate, expressive, happy eight year old. Should I have worried?




my parents think i have AS but i have not been tested by a doctor. we have been doing research and they think it fits me. my mom called an autism phone line and they gave us some very helpful information. if i do it's going to be hard to deal with because i work with autistic kids at a special needs school and i would also have to figure out how to tell my co-workers, so i'm hoping to get tested soon so we know and we can deal with it.






hello, i am a 48 year old female. i have had problems with social interaction my entire life. i have been to many counselors, doctors, psychologists, you name it. i have been so angry at the fact that because i can talk to people that these "professionals" tell me that i have no problem. i been listening to this for 25 years or more. recently, i found out about aspergers. i demanded to be tested and scored in the high/probable range a lot of the problems i have now could have been avoided if someone would have just simply listened to what i was saying to them instead of trying to tell me what my life is like and basically calling me a liar. i feel like they think they know more about my life that i do. i just hope this does not happen to anyone else.




I am 100 percent sure I have asperger's syndrome. I am a 64 year old female and how I've made this long through life i'll never know. My grandson was diagnosed with asperger's and that is how I found out about it. After studying the symptons I slowly came to the realization that I might have it. I took the Simon Baren-Cohen test several times using different answers on some questions i might have fudged on. I consistently came up with a 32 to 40 score. I was bullied and teased as a child. Never made eye contact. It was hard for me to fall asleep. I would wake up at the slightest noise. I cannot stand the ticking of a clock and I get agitated if I feel even the rhythm of someone else's music. I never had any friends growing up and was considered a wall flower at dances even though I've been told I was very pretty by a lot of people. I hate social gatherings to this day and find it very difficult to deal with more than one person at a time. I've been told I'm very compassionate. I work for the state blind center and I love to help people and I am a very kind person even though my coworkers can be very rude and abusive to me. I am very sensitive and try to treat other people the way I would like to be treated. I was often taken advantage of by men. I've been married five times. I've had about 30 sexual encounters before I was 30. Some I would call forced or rape which I hate using that term. I've had things stolen from me. I give away a lot of things. Some things have been expensive. I live by myself now and feel like for the first time I have some peace. I was told by one person that she didn't want to be my friend anymore because people knew what I was as soon as I opened my mouth. This was some years ago before I knew what asperger's was and I didn't know what she meant. I only know that it hurt very much for her to say this. I had a boss years ago who said I intimidated people so he put me in a room with nothing but men technicians. I had a teacher in church one time write me a letter saying that I never talked. I had another person at where I worked one time tell me I was mousy. I was always very focused on work and excelled in everything I did but it was my personality that was my downfall. I tried so hard to fit in and wanted friends so bad but I realize now that it will never happen and I'm content to be by myself. I'm not even close to my own family. Does this sound like Asperger's? Please feel free to comment.




i'm a 23 year-old female who started hearing more and more about ASC a couple months ago. the more i looked into it, things from my childhood started to make much more sense- which i find extremely encouraging. i'm also an artist, amateur chef, and karaoke addict... and i love beer.

i still think back, "i knew there must have been something going on!"

-started talking at 6 mo. i was a weird little kid- particularly curious about sexuality, practicing with a pretty sweet barbie collection. elaborate soap opera spectacles...

-had a lot of trouble making friends. when i was 3, i started going to daycare in the city i've grown up in. i would cry and cry every single day when my mother would take me in before she went to work. sometimes she'd have to leave me home; it was uncontrollable. i'd dress up in my mother's old nightgown and tie a scarf around my waist to look good for michael jackson on tv. i had a crush on my dad.

and it wasn't tantrum-throwing, i was frozen terrified sometimes. as i learned to deal with the separation over that first year, making friends with kids my age was difficult. getting made fun of for silly things, "weirdo", keeping to myself- usually drawing fantasy pictures of birds in rich, elizabethan gowns with 20s style fancy shoes, bustles, slips, intricate patterns, lacy hats. I always had my homework turned in first, because it was easy.

after a brief stint with LSD between the ages of 17 and 18, i worked my way through family issues, four days in rehab (you go there and realize 'i'm not crazy!'), sexual promiscuity, and the concept of employment.

i waited tables and short ordered at a diner for a couple years. people and the mind have been a favorite hobby of mine since i can remember.

i struggle with discerning proper and improper conversation. lucky for me, most situations put me in the comedian's position. when something inappropriate strikes me as amusing, i can't control whether or not i laugh.

until a year ago, i'd never been willing or able to sustain a long term relationship- getting fed up with being so close to someone else. i guess i've just become more focused, mellow, and secure with, well, reality.

so i guess i was thinking about seeing a professional to see if perhaps the tension and desperation of my childhood had something to do with this?




hi all. I am a new entrant in this field. I am a 40 years old female married to self diagnosed aspie husband of 41 years of age. For the first 13 years of married life, I waited for miracle to happen -- to see him behaving normally and responsibly and then found out about asperger thing and was shocked to observed that he had almost all the signs. We have still to officially get him checked but I believe he has a 99 percent chance of having it.

Though it has become bit easier to understand him after knowing, I am still to learn to cope with it in major issues such as he loses big money because of some nonsense reason which he can get back but won’t even try, And major issue is involving our kids aged 13 and 10 (with very high IQ). He shows the withdrawal symptoms after he is angry or frustrated with something and doesn't even care about those two getting emotionally hurt. Our son, 13, is too understanding and tries his best to bring peace with father but to no avail. My husband just wouldn't talk or understand. As long as he is ignoring me or not understanding me, it still works to a certain extent but with a child it’s a different ball game. He can’t recognize the reason for tears in my son's eyes, despite explaining to him. Can someone tell me how to deal with this issue?















It is really a disappointment yet also a relief to finally realize that I’m an Aspie, not a freak. I have suspected Aspergers for a long time, but I wanted to avoid really knowing. It makes me want to find other Aspies, just to have a community of friends where I would belong, other people who wouldn't reject me, wouldn't think I‘m strange, but would accept my special qualities.




that those diagnosed with "Asperger's" are the "normal" ones.


OK i have myself under control now. i have just spent the last few minutes scanning around the 'net, looking into this disorder. suddenly, i'm reading about people who think like me, feel the way i do, *act* the way i do. all my life i have felt as if i was always falling short of what those around me expected me to be able to do. always a failure, but never really caring enough about that to actually change it. wondering what the joke was when i had been paying attention to the conversation the whole time, or so i thought. feeling nothing when i see someone that i like in pain- almost like i'm second guessing my own feelings for someone at the worst possible time. i have never been able to keep a job for longer than a couple of years, but i have had some jobs that i just love, and in another scenario i'd still be working them. i have always felt false, like i'm faking anything and everything i do- i even told my ex-wife once that i don't feel emotion, just act in the manner that i have learned makes the most sense in the situation. i still don't understand the look on her face, as if i was a horrible person. She asked why i was so thoughtful, and i told her what had just occurred to me, that's all.

I'm a smart person. my IQ is up in the 170-180 range on the Stanford-Binet Scale. i am an accomplished musician who plays drums with a rock band, although i have been wondering why i bother with that lately. i have made a shambles of all but the most casual relationships in my life, even telling my father that i hate people in general, but none specifically. i destroyed my marriage because i just couldn't -- engage -- with my wife in matters of finance, child raising, or other things like that. she'd reach to me for comfort and i'd get uncomfortable and want her to leave me alone, and i *know* i loved her!

i have destroyed my health with the drugs i took in my teens and 20's trying to feel anything but fear and loneliness. 2 heart attacks, 5 bypasses, and now i have debts piled up, no future, no life, and all this time i have just accepted that i have no ability to be a normal person with a normal drive to succeed.

then i decided to read up on something that my daughter may have, according to her mother. it was just curiosity, just wondering what it was all about. suddenly i'm crying. and now i'm leaking again, because now i'm reading an explanation for *my* life- and what chance did i have? my parents had no clue, my counselors had no clue. i have been treated by one of the most respected child psychiatrists around, Dr. Alex Panio of AFIC in Denver, and neither he nor his staff had a clue. they diagnosed oppositional defiance disorder (actually, they tricked me into diagnosing myself in order to make me believe it) and acted accordingly.

it's like being told you have a terminal illness after your arms have been amputated. my life is a wreck, practically unrecoverable. i find myself wanting to die, because the thought of fighting this fight is just overwhelming. i've been just dying little by little, wanting to go because the alternative was just too much damn work- and now i have a word for all my problems: Asperger's.

It's too late for me now, i'm too far gone, haven't taken my meds for my heart for so long that it's got to be starting to break down. if you think someone has this, find out, because i assure you, they are wondering what is wrong with themselves, why they can't seem to get into step with the world at large. knowing helps, i can tell you that.











To all that are posting here, particularly if you have family members with Asperger's Syndrome, please also be tested for Tuberous Sclerosis. I am particularly interested in these comments posted, as I am having my 26 year old son tested for Asperger's. I have a grandson who has TS (Tuberous Sclerosis). TS *is a genetic disorder, often passed on throughout generations, without ever being diagnosed until the more severe type of TS pops up in family member. My grandson has white spots on his skin (although hard to see because he is so fair complexioned). He also has moderate autism. The spots on the skin are easily seen under a special light. Tuberous Sclerosis, in its most severe form, causes severe mental retardation. TS in its lesser form, can cause no symptoms. However, parents pass on the gene to their offspring (all it takes is the right combination to produce the wrong type of TS). The second type of TS (the more severe) also causes subtle to severe autism. I am curious if medical examiners have cross referenced these two disorders to see if some genetic patterning is there. Could Asperger's be Tuberous Sclerosis? Note again, some people with TS have absolutely no symptoms whatsoever and can live happy productive lives. I do believe that Aspergers does indeed have a genetic link, although medical professionals say otherwise. Just wanted to put this out there. People with TS, whether showing symptoms or not, often have watery tumors inside their body, non malignant, that can grow on their organs. I believe if a doctor is not educated on TS, these types of tumors can be misdiagnosed. Again, as I stated before, white spots on skin are generally indicative of TS. My son is being tested for Asperger's, and he also has white spots all over his skin.


This is a response to 29 – I have been married for 10 years.


Conversation’s can often turn in to proclamations and statements not two way chit chat. A ‘fork in the road’ is a piece of cutlery in the road, what’s it doing there? This is a person with a very high IQ. I am lucky our daughter is NT but my partner’s father is Aspergers. Our daughter has more empathy in her little finger than my partner has ever had. I have learned to identify the triggers that cause her stress, steer clear of the things that will generate these emotional outbursts. My life is simpler than yours but that is my advice. Yes you may think why should I, I’ve been wronged or she is wrong but it is clear people with Aspergers don’t think like you and I and there lies reality of our situation.

My partner has no concept of her connectedness to others. It seems like a one-way stream of stuff going in but she cannot regulate or relate to what comes out, if that makes sense. I always get the feeling that she is isolated from what is around her, incapable of collective appreciation of the world or her place in it, if she does she never says so. I have learned to talk in direct speech. No subtleties, no metaphors, no word play. I have learned that if I say I’m going to do something I will do it. I don’t surprise her. We plan. I try my best not to put her in novel situations – big stress generator. These are my thoughts on a smooth life.

Of course everyone is different, and there seems to be different levels of Aspergers but these are my own observations living with an adult Aspergers.


I am the partner of a wonderful woman who has undiagnosed Aspergers. She's gifted at math and music. A pure logic mind, a marvel to witness. To her everything is black and white, no grey. An amazing problem solver. An amazing person. I marvel at her intelligence. Obessive with facts, she will research and research for weeks a single point or question. She runs rings around specialists in their fields as she absorbs the facts and spews them out. Its breath taking. Socially my sweet and lovely person is out to sea. Incapable of reading others emotions. When everybody is laughing at the dinner table, she sits there stony faced not knowing what's going on. Twisting her fingers and sitting stiffly, eyes darting all over the room. She's incapable of understanding metaphor. She's wonderfully creative but incapable of creative writing. I've learned to talk in direct speech. A rolling stone gathers no moss is a rolling stone that gathers no moss - to her its a factual statement.

I've learned not to expect her to point out beauty, even though she must see it all around. I've learned not to be upset when I hug her and she stands there unresponsive and stiff. I've learned to accept her eccentric behavious. I've learned that within her lies a hyper-sensitive person who can be destroyed by another's careless words.


We have been together for many years, we have a daughter and I love her very much. Aspergers is but a label, she is far far more than a label.



I have trained myself to manage the pain I can feel from another persons words, behavior or feelings.




Me knowing that people misunderstand my feelings; I would eternally overreact if someone did not warn me about the critisism they wanted to give me.

Would say in a calm or disapproving tone:


Should say in the calmest sweetest tone:

May I say something?



Would say in a calm or disapproving tone:

When are you going to quit smoking?



That line can work if you mean it.

I also have the most strongest crave to feel optimism from others, heard, unhurt, understood, and judged without any prejudice; because I can instantly feel all emotions a person feels while we communicate: Good or Bad: Mother or Wife: Work or Community: Dog or cat: Toddler or newborn.





My husband is a self diagnosed Aspie. He will not take care of important issues and not only that but he will not tell me about them so I can take care of them. How should I approach this? When I finally find out, I blow up because not taking care of whatever it is, ie, getting his car inspected, ends up costing us more money (tickets for an expired inspection). I had to find out from my neighbors that he had gotten a ticket. We both work full-time (he's a software engineer) and have two young children so it's exhausting following behind him to make sure the minimum has been handled. My sister says to just do *everything* myself. Do any of you Aspies just not take care of important tasks b/c of the way your brain is wired? Any tips on how a spouse should handle this?



Things are complicated with having a 13 year son who has Aspergers as well and this often complicates matters for her ability to cope with things. She is often upset, irritable and tired. She withdraws from me and appears to be content with this. I want to be close to her and help her to get through the day without the outbursts, upset and turmoil. This is my 1st posting to this site I wonder if someone can help me get more insight into the dynamics of our relationship with Aspergers? Please respond to me.


I have always known I was "different" but could never pinpoint why. I am a 44 year old woman and just recently learned about Asperger's Syndrome. I believe I have it but I also admit I need to do more research on this strange syndrome. What I have read about it describes me quite accurately, hence the self-diagnosis.





Thanks for reading this









As for the two questions posed by MindReader (Why heroic? Why tend to partner) I have a notion or two.



Relationships aren't that hard to master. Artful Aspies tend to master things they pursue - cooking, building, etc. There are a lot of attractive things about their 'wiring' - like never being bored - always a project.



-Think Tank



I'm not sure what the obsession with "outing" famous aspies is all about. Is it a fitting-in kind of thing, a coolness-by-proxy thing? I don't get it.



Dr. Spock from Star Trek was Aspergian. :-)


If you suspect that someone close to you has asperger's, pick up a copy of "Look Me In The Eye", by John Elder Robison. It's a good read about his life from drop-out social outcast to KISS band technician then corporate executive engineer and beyond. What makes it more interesting is that he has Asperger's and identifies his condition from the onset in his book. The book was intended for others with Asperger's to connect with him and learn how to deal with it. Asperger's is not an embarrassing condition and there are ways to benefit from it... if identified and dealt with.

Reading the book myself, (it was recommended by a friend who suspected I have Asperger's), I was not insulted but rather touched that my friend gave me that much thought and consideration and felt I could learn from it.

Good luck.














Sweet! Let's everybody slap some labels on ourselves, because as everyone knows, labels exonerate poor behavior and make everything all right.


@ Chrisfx














My adult nephew has Aspergers. Life as a child was difficult for him - however, adult life is treating him well. He is bright and cool and quirky. He tends to be more empathetic - his eyes show his concern and sadness, but the words sometimes don't match. But his off-the-wall responses often make for some unanticipated laughter! I absolutely love my nephew and believe that the Aspergers is part of what makes him special.


I'm just wondering why some someone think Keanu Reeves has asperger's disorder? Has he said so or has he behaved strangely? I don't like it when people put put rumors about others. I want to know what's true.



Yes, I'm eccentric as hell. No, I don't have many friends, but those I do have are probably Aspies too. In the end, I'd say that for me, Aspergers has been more of a blessing than a curse. It gated me into unaware career choices years ago. The ability to concentrate and focus on problem solving and a wonderfully 'paranoid approach' to software development made me rich, if not famous. I'm a very lucky fellow. It is true: Living well is the best revenge.


At first, I didn't realize I too had this condition until I was in the sixth grade. Boy I am glad that I have very supportive parents that treated me like a son. Now im in ferndale high school and im not only getting 4.0's on my report cards, but also am getting high end compliments from my fellow teachers as well.


Ive just met a wonderful guy who has Aspergers, Before I came on here and read a little about it I had no idea what it was. I also think I may have Aspergers although I don't have the knowledge in math or science, I do plan on looking up more details and talking to a local doctor. In short Thank You for helping me understand a bit more.






Life is better when you know what you're dealing with.


Greetings, I have AS. I met this guy years ago. We are together with a child now. Would be married if I had not gotten preg. Anyway, I wanted him to learn more about me and my probs. so he could understand me more. So, I did research on the net about AS. He was reading it, realized that it answered some things about him he was wondering about because he just thought he was weird. He realized he too has AS. I told my mother about it, she let me borrow a book about AS (She does research on my probs, has for many years.) Anyway, when I got the book from her she had already highlighted the section he follows under. Lol. She too thought he had it. The more and more he read it the more he thought he had it. He said she wanted to get checked out to find out if he had it. Well, when we were talking to his sister on the phone he told her he thought he had it. And that I had it(Heh we never told her that I had AS until then) well we come to find out at that time his sister too has AS. She was raised in a foster home and had failed to mention to her mother or brother that she had AS until then. Heh go figure that proves that we are prob right about him having AS. It is a good possibility he does have AS. We are going to have to have him checked out when we get a chance.(Kind of hard when you have no car and it is hard enough to see a psychiatrist.. as it is. You need referrals and a whole lot of mess.. it is so frustrating.)


I had a student in my first grade class who has aspergers. After lots of observations at school, I noticed things about my husband that were similar to this student. I think my husband has aspergers. He shows a lot of the symptoms, but I'm not sure how to bring it up. Any ideas?




I know one person who has always been accused of being socially awkward and it turns out that he has Asperger's Syndrome. It just goes to show that you shouldn't judge someone without all of the information!

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