I previously wrote about the Harry Potter trivia night we had, wherein I tied Sexy Corte down and asked her trivia questions while I licked and vibrated her. The primary sexual element we used is called edging — a form of orgasm control. We’re geeks, and the trivia game just created a fun mechanism for Sexy Corte to ask for permission to orgasm and for me to give it.

At its most elementary, edging is pretty simple to explain: carefully adjust the level of stimulation so you stay close to the edge of orgasm without going over. A person is brought almost to the point of orgasm, and then the stimulation is lessened a little to avoid orgasm — repeat the cycle for as long as you want. By maintaining a highly aroused state very close to orgasm its possible to build up huge sexual tension that leads to a very strong orgasm when its finally released.

There are two primary forms of edging in a marriage.

  1. Husband restrains his orgasm to give his wife enough time to climax. This is probably the most common form of edging, and likely familiar to all husbands. It typically takes longer for a wife to climax than it does for her husband, so husbands work really hard to avoid climaxing too early while maintaining an erection. This is a skill that most men can learn, and I’d say it’s pretty essential for most marriages. Eventually, the husband should be able to have pretty good control over when he climaxes, and with some cues from his wife they can both reach orgasm simultaneously when desired. This form of edging is almost entirely on the husband’s part — even for a wife who orgasms quickly and easily, there generally isn’t any reason for her to hold back.
  2. One spouse controls the other’s orgasm. This is the form of edging where teasing comes into play. Whichever spouse is dominant (in that moment) stimulates the submissive spouse without allowing her to reach orgasm. Orgasm control is usually exercised in one of two ways.
    1. The dominant spouse varies the stimulation to prevent orgasm. This method uses physical control to keep the submissive spouse from reaching orgasm, no matter how hard she tries. The submissive spouse doesn’t have to control herself, and in fact you can even make a game out of trying to reach orgasm without tipping off the dominant spouse. For this method, the dominant spouse needs to be highly attuned to the other person’s sexual responsiveness cues in order to keep her right at the edge (especially if she’s really trying to go over).
    2. The dominant spouse withholds permission to orgasm. In this method of edging, the dominant spouse likely maintains a high level of stimulation and it’s the submissive spouse’s responsibility to refrain from orgasm until she receives permission. The dominant spouse still needs to read the submissive spouse’s cues and tailor the stimulation, but the game here is to to test just how obedient she can be while you stimulate her relentlessly.

So why would you want to experiment with edging in your marriage? Lots of reasons! Please allow me another list.

  1. Edging takes a long time. Yes, this is an advantage. Sexual encounters built around edging create an opportunity to invest a lot of time with your spouse. Quickies are great fast food, but an edging session can be a fabulous buffet. Why waste an hour or two watching television when you could spend the time making love with your spouse? Sure, you probably can’t do it every day when you have sex, but you can make time once a week to really pour yourself into your spouse’s sexuality.
  2. Edging helps you learn your spouse. Do you want to learn more about what your spouse physically likes? Edging will give you the opportunity to play with your spouse’s body and try out all sorts of things that you may not have time for when your primary goal is to just reach orgasm. You can watch how your spouse responds to every touch, and even learn what touches she prefers at varying levels or arousal. (Hint: the move that pushes her over the edge may not be the best way to get her to the edge in the first place.)
  3. Edging creates a fun power dynamic. It can be fun both to take control of your spouse and to give up control to your spouse, and edging creates an inherent power dynamic. Controlling your spouse’s orgasm can be a huge rush, as can be receiving the prolonged stimulation. I highly recommend trying both ends of the power dynamic.
  4. Edging can be the basis for many sex games. The gradual build-up from foreplay to stimulation to orgasm is a common element of many sex games. It’s super fun to ask your wife trivia questions or have her tell a sexy story and make her concentrate on her mental task while you eat her out.
  5. Edging leads to huge orgasms. The more you tease and delay, the stronger the ultimate orgasm tends to be. (Just don’t drag things out too long; you don’t want your spouse to get bored.)
  6. Edging can increase semen volume. If you want the husband to ejaculate more, make him work for it. Longer foreplay, including edging, means more semen when your husband ejaculates.
  7. Edging lets you hear your spouse beg for it. Nothing is sexier than enthusiasm, and nothing shows more enthusiasm than when your spouse pleads for an orgasm. For a husband, nothing is hotter than hearing your wife beg for penetration.

As for actual techniques, you’ll have to experiment with your spouse. For us, it’s a mixture of wand and egg vibrators, bondage, tongues, fingers, and genitals. Share your own tips, questions, and experiences in the comments!

Orgasm permission is a submission technique that’s easy to add to your sexual repertoire and can add a little mind-play to an otherwise vanilla encounter. (And vanilla is great! When you’ve got a family there isn’t always time to set up all the toys.)

The basic idea of orgasm permission is simple: ask your spouse for permission before you climax, and then hold off until you receive it. You can easily initiate this submission by yourself — just wait till you’re close and moan/groan/yell, “can I come?! can I please come now?!” Then hold yourself close to the edge and wait for your spouse to say “yes, come for me now!”

Alternately, you can tell your spouse that you want them to ask before they orgasm. Since you’re asking something of them, make sure you briefly discuss your expectations. You and your spouse will figure out what works best for you, but you want the experience to be hot, especially the first time. Make sure the mind-play enhances the experience for both of you and doesn’t drain any of the sexual energy:

  • Don’t ask for permission until you’re close to orgasm.
  • When asked, give permission quickly. You or your spouse may eventually find it enjoyable to deny permission for a period of time, but work your way up to it. You don’t want your spouse to lose their orgasm because you said no for too long.

This submission technique can be used with almost any kind of sexual encounter, from missionary to blow jobs to vibrators (good luck!). Have you ever asked your spouse’s permission to orgasm? Leave a comment below!