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Raise Responsible Children

posted 14 Jul 2011, 08:27 by Mpelembe   [ updated 14 Jul 2011, 08:29 ]
If you find that disciplining your children and fostering a sense
of responsibility in them is stressful or unsuccessful, the use
of traditional parenting approaches may be the problem. Why?
Because traditional parenting approaches, including using
lectures, rewards, and punishments, rely on external motivators
to change the child's behavior and aim to obtain obedience and
compliance. But telling young people what to do, rewarding them
don't are counterproductive, increase stress, and diminish
strong parent/child relationships.

punishment-based, the bottom line is that it's manipulation,
which is never permanent. All these approaches are something you
in contrast to collaboration (working with a person).

an attempt to control children, the less real influence you exert
over them. Clearly, manipulation breeds resentment. In addition,
if children behave because they are forced to behave, the parent
has not really succeeded. True responsibility means behaving
appropriately because children want to, not because they have to.

The challenge for parents is raising a child who will do the
you do that? Following are some parenting techniques you can try
today that don't use punishments, rewards, or lectures and that
internally motivate children to act responsibly.

 * Challenge the Child Every time you try to make children do
something or not do something, the children will likely resist.
Children interpret the request as an attempt to control them, and
no one likes feeling controlled. However, virtually all children
a behavior, challenge your children to show responsible behavior.

driver's seat and refuses to move back to his car seat. Rather
than bribe him into the backseat, threaten to take away his
safe in his car seat, offer a challenge. You could say, "I bet
I'm faster. I bet it will take you longer to get into the
backseat and buckle your seatbelt than it will for me lock the
front door and come back to the car." Then watch how fast the
little one jumps to his car seat.

Young children often know what to do. Having them demonstrate
responsible behavior merely takes some creativity, namely, "What
a challenge rather than an attempt to control them?"

 * Put the Child in Charge Everyone likes being in charge of
something, even something small. Adults and children alike need a
sense that something in their world is within their control.
Therefore, if you want your children to exhibit responsible
to display.

always getting up from the table during dinner, thereby
disrupting the environment you want to maintain during mealtime.
daughter is doing and put her in charge of that responsibility.
You could say, "Hanna, I need your help. I want you to be in
charge of having all members of the family remain seated during
dinner. Can you handle this?"

When put in control of something, children will always perform
the appropriate behavior because incongruity (doing the opposite
people. This approach to changing behavior immediately is
foolproof. If it doesn't work, reflect: Did you think of the
exact opposite? Did you use the exact wording of putting the
person in charge and phrasing the responsibility in positive

 * Use Creative Phrasing Rather than scold children or talk down
to them, use creative phrasing with a youngster who has done
something that shouldn't have been done, has misbehaved, or has
say, "I know you didn't mean for that to happen. What went

This phrasing sends the message that you think highly of the
child regardless of the negative situation and that you know the
child didn't want to end up with the bad results. It
demonstrates empathy and opens the gate for the young person to
think back over the whole issue without getting defensive.

Make the Responsible Choice As a parent or caregiver, your goal
is to assist children to become responsible, self-reliant,
independent problem solvers; yet, external approaches set up
young people to be dependent upon an external agent. Therefore,
and others' best interests. Using the strategies outlined here
yourself on the parenting journey of raising responsible kids,
with less stress and more enjoyment for everyone involved.

Dr. Marvin Marshall is an American educator, writer, and
his landmark book Discipline Without Stress® Punishments or
Rewards - How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility and
Learning (, and his
presentations about his multiple-award winning book Parenting
Without Stress® - How to Raise Responsible Kids While Keeping a
 Life of Your Own (