The Black Dog



Relationships and Getting Through Them

It's unfortunate that the very relationships that can bring the most joy and fulfillment are also the ones that can cause the most anger, grief, and collateral damage. It's not that surprising: we invest so much in our important relationships that we take any problems to heart. And often, we react negatively to the stress that comes from relationship challenges. It's easier to get angry than it is to work out a solution. Anger provides us with the self-satisfaction of knowing that we are the figuring it out. People are difficult, we interact with people every day and when we are struggling to get along we have to ask questions to deal with situations. In passing, what do I do about difficult people I may never see again? In Short Term Relationships, how much should I invest in a relationship that's bound to end? Not My Choice What about relationships that will never end? Those I Chose Even great relationships spawn some unwanted obligations. We become the injured party, not the poor grocery clerk we just snarled at, or the friend we just argued with, are the ones who have been wronged, and injured, and who deserve better. The world should bend to our needs. The trouble is that anger ultimately proves destructive both to our relationships and ourselves. For many of us, it's become the first line of interpersonal defense. Learning effective problem-solving skills can reduce and even prevent depression, something no medication can ever do.Domestic violence is a common result of the inability to deal with the stress of interpersonal relationships.

The fact that terms like road rage even exist proves that. Anger can be combatted and relationships with others improved, but most people need to learn how. There are a variety of ways to improve your relationships and reduce your anger levels. Meditation as a calming technique is becoming increasingly popular, and self-hypnosis can help you set and attain relationship goals

We don't tend to think of these chance meetings as relationships, but they require all the social skills that more important relationships do. Sometimes they require more, because while we don't often think of them as relationships, we do often think of them as irritating, infuriating, and annoying beyond belief. Why must this conspiracy of strangers exist, and why are they out to make life miserable? Case in point. You're driving home and some fool cuts you off in traffic, blaring his horn at you as he does so. It's hard to think of this as a social event, but you have just interacted with another human being . . . At least, you're presuming he was human. Then again, the way he drives . . .It's a little event like this that can completely spoil your day. You stew on it for hours, long after the jerk who cut you off even remembers doing so. It happens to quite a few of us. How do we combat it? Well, for starters, it's an isolated incident. Try to remind yourself that, yes, he was a jerk, and being a jerk, would probably be the kind of low-browed knuckle-dragger who'd enjoy knowing he's ticked off a complete stranger. Don't give him the satisfaction! Having trouble taking a deep breath when conflicts pop up?

That'll teach him! Take the energy from that anger and redirect it. Another, gentler option, although often quite difficult, is to try and see things from his point of view. Why would he be driving like a maniac? Because he's an inconsiderate madman who's seen Mad Max too many times? . . . Oops. I told you this was difficult! Or did he have a reason for his actions? Is he rushing to a hospital? Trying to reach his fiance before she steps out of his life forever? Most likely no, he's just a jerk. But by entertaining the possibilities, you can see reasons that could explain why he might be in such a hurry.

Your really pleasant neighbor may move, and be replaced by the cast of Deliverance. Your incompetent manager may be gone tomorrow . . . or you could be stuck with him until retirement.A stressful short term relationship can seem to last forever, and can't be dismissed as easily as, say, the rude waiter who served you last week. They're not the type of relationships in which you interact constantly, but you see these people enough that problems with them can take up a pretty big chunk of your life. Who wants a surly neighbor? It's important to keep these relationships in perspective. You and your neighbor may disagree on the property line, but that doesn't have to spill over into your relationship with, say, your daughter. Try to see problems in these relationships as limited but its hard not to stew over things when the neighbor's being a stickler for property lines, or your manager passes you over for a promotion. When setbacks in your less important relationships seem overwhelming, you may want to explore some methods of reevaluating the problems. Most of us are experts in the mountains and molehills department, we're so involved with a problem or confrontation that we can't step back and look at it realistically. Meditation especially helps cultivate the ability to step out of the problem and look at the larger picture. Are you frustrated? Learning what you can do for yourself on a day-to-day basis can help you weather those frustrating encounters and thats what its about. Growth and learning to become the best person you can be. Good luck.