Do you ever feel jealous? Most of us do every so often, but it is jealous behavior, not feelings, that cause us trouble. The feeling of jealousy in a relationship is normal, but the behavior that can result is often irrational and destructive. If you want to avoid the trouble jealousy can cause, you can start by accepting responsibility for it.

Blaming others, for what they feel, is a mistake, because jealousy is most often a product of our own insecurity and low self-esteem. It happens because we see ourselves as having less to give than the object of our jealousy.

Soon, we become unable to see our own strengths and good points, which leads to feeling devalued, depressed and worthless. The tendency to “act out” in our behaviors becomes too easy to give in to, and others suffer. We forget the simple fact that because another person may not choose or be able to meet the conditions that have been agreed to in our relationship, our inner value as a person is not lessened, nor is theirs.

Jealously ceases to be a problem only when we regain a feeling of worth and self-respect, and when we remember that loyalty in relationships can only be offered, never demanded. (When we demand loyalty, it becomes a “have to” situation, and humans automatically push back, when we feel we are being pushed.)

Learning to let go of demands in any relationship, when we believe that love or affection is based on “holding on to,” is difficult but extremely worthwhile. When we conquer the extremes of jealousy, we emerge as better, stronger, happier people and our relationships inevitably improve. And it all starts with taking accountability for our own view of relationships.