

Coping With Self-Consciousness

5 Tips For Increasing Confidence In Any Situation

  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5

Feelings of self-consciousness affect everyone from time to time. The sudden feeling that you are being watched and judged by others can range from mildly uncomfortable to utterly paralyzing. The good news: overcoming this debilitating state is possible and surprisingly simple. Self-conscious feelings are rooted in your self-image and the way you think. Understanding these causes, however, will empower you to replace discomfort with a burst of self-confidence.

What Is Self-Consciousness?
Some people seem at ease in any situation, fueled by inner certainty. Others feel stilted, unsure of how to proceed, and even unable to act. Assuming similar social skills, intelligence, and emotional maturity, what accounts for the difference in these experiences?

Self-consciousness is a function of the way we think. It is a keen awareness of the self, as perceived through the eyes of others, coupled with the belief that one does not measure up. We feel uncomfortable with particular people, awkward in specific settings, insecure, and even embarrassed. Shy people are more self-conscious than extroverts, and they experience this sense of discomfort in a broader range of situations. Other people may be perfectly confident in most situations, but self-conscious in a particular domain. The feelings can be mildly distressing, acutely painful, or utterly paralyzing.

Humans are dynamic creatures, constantly learning from experiences, and this is at the heart of the problem. Every negative social encounter a person endures serves to reinforce their negative perceptions about themselves, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy about their interactions with others.

Interrupting the negative experience-reinforced belief cycle is possible. Self-conscious people engage in a selective kind of thinking that perpetuates their discomfort. Understanding this thought process is the first step toward interrupting the pattern and developing a healthier, happier state of being.
Why Some People Are Self-Conscious
Everything we know and believe about ourselves and our potential is learned. Caregivers and others during childhood tell us we are smart, funny, shy, or clumsy, for instance, and these are our first clues to our identity. Later, we notice people are amused by what we say or do, or that we stumble often, and take these events as proof that we are indeed funny or clumsy. That label becomes part of our self-concept, and we are primed to be more aware of evidence that supports what we believe about ourselves, while ignoring evidence to the contrary.

This is known in psychology as the fundamental attribution error. We are more likely to explain events as being caused by our own or someone else’s personality traits than by circumstances. Walking up a staircase in a dark hallway, you stumble. Do you blame it on the dark hallway, or on inherent clumsiness? It is an important distinction.

Apply this to the more emotionally-charged social arena. Your self-concept predetermines the way you will experience interactions with others. If you are reading this article, chances are that you see yourself as shy, or perhaps have come to believe you are inarticulate with new people (or men, or authority figures, etc.). You may believe others are not interested in what you have to say, or that you won’t measure up in some way.

Notice the common thread regarding these beliefs? Negative perceptions about yourself and the perception that others are judging you in a negative way contribute to feelings of self-consciousness.
Most people experience some degree of stress during an unfamiliar encounter, especially when the outcome of that interaction is important. The surge of adrenaline increases the heart rate, makes the senses more acute, and prepares the person for action – the normal “fight or flight” response. This state of heightened arousal is a natural physiological process that allows us to accomplish more and perform better under pressure.

The difference between self-consciousness and self-confidence lies in the way people think. Self-conscious people take the physiological response as further evidence of their social inability. Confident people acknowledge a degree of apprehension as normal, and focus on their strengths.

Overcoming self-consciousness requires exploring your beliefs about yourself. Thus, armed with insight into the beliefs that underlie your social discomfort, you can replace them with more accurate, productive thoughts. Finally, you will begin to take action that will build on your strengths and desensitize you to the fear of negative outcomes. Like any process, the success of these steps depends on continual reinforcement. Don’t be discouraged by setbacks. You have already invested years in establishing the beliefs and pattern of behavior that fuels self-conscious reactions. It will take time to create a new way of being.

Consider the help of a therapist if your discomfort is severe or occurs in a broad range of circumstances. A therapist will be able to serve as an objective ally as you analyze your thought processes, and support you as you strive to make realistic changes.
Five Tips for Overcoming Self-Consciousness
* Improve Your Self-Concept. There is a world of difference between being a self-conscious person, or a person who feels self-conscious in some situations. Before going into a stressful social situation, watch the things you tell yourself about what you are feeling. Replace negative, global explanations (“I always clam up in a roomful of people”) with a more accurate assessment (“I feel a little nervous right now, but I’m usually a good conversationalist”).

* Build on Small Successes. You learned to feel self-conscious by focusing on uncomfortable experiences, and you will unlearn it using the same process. Start looking for examples of times when you handled social interactions well. Accept these as proof that you are capable of relating to others confidently and competently. Notice that even when you feel nervous on the inside, your outer actions can still be appropriate, and the encounter can still be satisfying. In time, the nervous responses will lessen significantly.

* Change the Script. Remember that self-conscious feelings are an exaggerated awareness of yourself, and their basis is the assumption that others are judging you negatively. It is just as logical to assume you are being evaluated positively, that you are being noticed in a neutral way, or that you are not being noticed at all. When that uncomfortable sensation begins, take a deep breath and reset your mental script. In the absence of evidence to the contrary, it is reasonable to assume you are just as welcome, competent, and capable as everyone else present.
* Increase Your Self-Efficacy. One aspect of the self-conscious response is a hyper-awareness of one’s weaknesses. You can use this to your advantage. Self-efficacy is the belief in your ability to act effectively in your own best interest. The best way to enhance the image of yourself as a capable person is to become more capable. Develop your communication and relationship skills. Learn about topics your cohorts are likely to discuss. Become more physically graceful through exercise, or perhaps ballet classes. Work on developing skills that will improve your performance in areas that cause you the most distress. As you think of yourself as a more capable person, your social anxiety will decrease.

* Focus on Your Strengths. Even if you are less adept than you would like to be in social settings, you possess other talents and strengths that are valualbe. Self-conscious episodes often cause us to be aware only of our perceived deficits. Counter those feelings by immediately shifting your awareness to your positive traits. Fill your consciousness with the thoughts and emotions you associate with success and accomplishment. Let your belief in your competence in other arenas carry over and strengthen your social experience.

Never Give Up
Self-consciousness is a learned response, and as such, it can be replaced by more productive, healthy thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Expect both early successes and occasional setbacks as a normal part of the process. With consistent effort, belief in your ability to change, and focus on your strengths, you will become a more confident person over time.

How Does Your Self-Esteem Hold Up?
Do you realize that your level of self-esteem influences not only the way you think about yourself, but also, the manner in which you behave on a regular basis? Although the truth behind how we develop our level of self-esteem is surrounded by fact and fiction, it remains a fact that our self-esteem is an integral part of our lives. Try this quiz to see where you fall on the self-esteem barometer.
Rate This Article
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
(Votes: 27) (Avg: 4.19)
View Comments