3000-Year-Old Sacrificial Remains Found
In Far Western Regions of China

           Beijing, April 1 (Hsin Hua): An article in the latest issue of Archeaologia Quintoominum [Archeology of the Fifth Millennium], the journal of Bin Fung Foo Gong, China’s oldest and most important archeological society, reports the discovery of what apparently were mass graves of animals killed in ritual slaughter in the Western Regions of modern China. Thus far, according to the authors, Kipi Tuk and Nanky Poo, no human remains have been uncovered.
           While graves of human sacrifices--some of them containing enormous quantities of corpses--have been found at such places as My Lai, Srebinica, Babi Yar, East Timor, Phnom Penh, Darfu and the Yucatan, 3000 years of archeological explorations have never before yielded such endless numbers of animal remains. The full extent of the slaughter may never be known.
           The earliest finds were relatively modest burial grounds in the regions bordering the Mao Tse Tung Strait, which separates mainland China from the Churchill Islands, a group of relatively large islands formerly inhabited by a race of tea drinkers in a land with no tea. The islands were inundated in the great flood caused by the melting of the Polar Ice Caps between 2450 and 2520, and were only recently rediscovered as a result of the heroic program of refreezing the caps begun in 3027, which has taken nearly 2000 years to achieve any significant results. In those days China’s Western border was at the Himalayan Mountains and most of the land beyond was still flooded, with the exception of Alpsland, the mountain range in what was formerly Central Europe inhabited by the Yodels. (It was the Himalayan Mountains and the rebuilt and enlarged Great Wall of China that protected the country while most of the rest of the world became inundated.)
           Archeologists working on the Eastern Side of the Mao Strait uncovered nearly 40 mass burial sites over the last five years. However, on average these sites contained only tens of thousands of animals, whereas the newly discovered sites across the strait apparently were the final resting place for hundreds of thousands--perhaps millions--of mostly cows and sheep. A random selection of bones reveals that all sizes, sexes and ages of animals were destroyed. It’s clear also that most of the animals were burnt before being buried, and the residue of millions of tons of roast beef and mutton have been identified, especially near the eternal spring producing the great bottled water known as Worcestershire Source.
           Li Pin Gung Ho, Chief Archeologist and main author of the article, surmises that the ancient population must have suddenly all become vegetarians, or determined (perhaps as part of their strange religious beliefs) that all animals housed demons, since the numbers of charred carcasses suggests that every last four-legged animal of the day must have been slaughtered. What is most astounding is the ritual nature of the slaughter, because the right front foot of every animal was apparently forced into the animal’s mouth just before its death.
           Pooh Bah, co-author of the article, suggests that as the water recedes around the Allegheny Islands halfway around the world, in what used to known as "Pound Laundry," it may be that similar burial sites will be found. He reports decrypting a coded reference to the illness that apparently killed these animals—“Crazy Bovine Disease.” Photos from the 40,000 Chinese satellites constantly photographing every inch of the planet from outer space have not yet yielded any clues, although it’s clear that the water level is dropping daily in the area still known as “Bushland,” named after the man who initiated the Kyoto Discord which eventually led to the second Noah’s Flood. Pooh Bah says the only reason he thinks there is some sort of link is owing to the obituary of Bush (available on microfilm from the New York Times), which reveals that, like the cattle in the mass graves, he too died with his foot in his mouth.