Toddler development

My 22 month old won't use her words. What should I do?

I am the mother of three young children aged 22 months, three and a half, and six and a half. I am having issues and concerns with the youngest because she can't speak at the moment and instead screeches and screams for anything and everything. It is driving me crazy!! She very clearly understands everything I ask her to do and she knows what she wants but can't communicate it in words yet which results in the screaming! We remain calm (mostly) and ask her to use her words, we say the word for her so she knows the word she is looking for, we refuse to give her something until she says ta (she can say it but selects when she wants to). I use time out for screaming too. I just don't understand how she could go from such a happy carefree child to a monster overnight.

Dr Justin says:

While not all toddlers behave this way, and perhaps your two older children never did, the behaviour that you are describing is well within what might be considered typical and developmentally appropriate behaviour for a child of this age.

Why do toddlers scream?

In these early years (generally around the age of two) our children's brains undergo what might be jokingly called a huge brain explosion. They have obviously been developing all the way through, but at this point there's something of a surge in new areas. New neural connections create developmental progress, and with that development comes new abilities. One of these abilities is that your toddler has discovered preferences - her own preferences! She's screaming and behaving this way to help you understand what she wants.

Kids screaming is a terrible inconvenience to us as adults. It's aversive.

It drives us crazy. It's MEANT to!

The principal reason for this is that it points us to the fact that our little one is in need. There is simply no other way for her to effectively tell us. Yes, words would be nice. And yes, by the time a toddler reaches two years, there will usually be a limited vocabulary she can choose words from ... but she's had two years of screaming and it's done her just fine up to now! Why change?

Here's what I am reading in your question:

  • Your daughter is healthy and seems to be developing normally.
  • Your daughter has a good understanding of language - she processes it just fine based on your comments
  • Your daughter screams a lot when she can't have what she wants.

How to encourage her language skills

First, remember that comprehension precedes production. So at this point, everything's working normally, even if it is inconvenient at times. Your daughter is at an age where linguistic production is either exploding or about to explode! Soon she'll be talking non-stop. Her next step is to start using her words more often, and even to start putting words together to form two or three word sentences (in what we call telegraphic speech). But she's not there yet. It's a process, and it doesn't happen overnight.

Second, recognise that her screaming stems from not feeling understood. So she doesn't need 'time-out' for screaming. She needs patience, compassion, and understanding - no mean feat when you're already stressed out and dealing with the two big kids plus everything else a mum has to balance. My suspicion is that if you are able to listen carefully to her needs and show you understand, you'll likely see a reduction in screaming immediately.

Third, remember that at this age, she doesn't understand that her preferences aren't the only ones that matter. When she can't have her own way, she'll still scream. That's normal (and will likely remain so until age four or five). Staying calm and rational is the best way to deal with this.

Fourth, trying to force a child to 'use her words' is like trying to force a child to go to sleep, or eat his veggies. You may be successful, but it's a terrible emotional strain on everyone and is certain to be met with resistance. Instead, be gently encouraging. The words will develop in their own time. Forcing a child to act in such a way, or using time out, may have the effect of creating a sense of 'What's wrong with me and my emotions?' in our kids.

The screaming is a challenge. I am confident that as you try this new, calm approach you'll see a change in your toddler and in yourself, and the house will become at least a little more peaceful.


You can find more information that will help you with this situation in Dr Justin's book What Your Child Needs From You: Creating a Connected Family or on his website:


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