Why punishments can backfire

on April 01, 2014 at 11:38 AM, updated April 01, 2014 at 11:43 AM

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. -- There are many myths related to parenting, but perhaps the biggest myth is that punishment changes the behavior of children.

Throughout the years of my career working with parents who are concerned about the behavior of their children, I always have been struck by the overwhelming number of moms and dads who tried to change their child’s behavior by using one approach: punishment.

The punishment may have come in different guises, but despite euphemisms and rationalizations, it all came back to one underlying concept: Make children suffer and their behavior will improve. They called their punishment grounding, yelling, time-out, or even spanking, but in the end, it had to do with an attempt to change — or correct, as some parents term it — their child.

But the reality is, punishment does not change behavior. It may induce fear or anxiety, but it doesn’t usually lead to change.

Why not?

Because punishment almost always fails to demonstrate or show a child what they should be doing that is appropriate. Punishment only sends one message: You did something wrong and this is the consequence of being bad. And then often there was an additional message: If you do this bad thing again, you’re going to be punished in a more severe way.


Sending these messages puts a child, particularly a young child, in a very peculiar, and sometimes untenable, position. That position is that they must recognize that their behavior was wrong and they must figure out the right behavior. So, they may easily deduce that Mom or Dad doesn’t like me to hit other children or to steal, but what do they like? What am I supposed to do instead?

Many children don’t know because punishment doesn’t tell them.

Your job as a parent is to teach your child what they should be doing. And then give them opportunities to perform the right and the preferred behavior. Once you’ve done that, often by describing and demonstrating the better behavior, then you must provide opportunities to do what is appropriate and then provide feedback and praise for doing the right thing. If they don’t do it exactly the way you want it, then help shape it until they understand what you want.

The key concept here is that instead of just being the punisher who believes that children should know what you expect and then do it, the real role of a parent is to be a teacher. In that role, you can say, “I want you to be gentle with your sister,” or “I expect you to share with your friends,” or “The rule is to come right home after school.”


Punishment does not do that. And, unfortunately, punishment often leads to kids having a harder time trying to improve their behavior. And there are several reasons for this.

One is that punishment reduces your effectiveness as a parent. When you punish, your child is less likely to want to be close to you and model what you do. Instead, they usually try to avoid you and escape the punishment. Sometimes, for instance, they do this by lying or trying to hide their behavior.

A second reason why punishment is ineffective and often counterproductive is that it leads to the wrong emotions. When children do something bad, we would prefer they feel guilty and want to do what is right to please you. Punishment more often leads to resentment and even oppositional behavior.

And a third reason is that punishment is often associated with an increase of aggression. If you want your child to be less aggressive, then punishment should not be your go-to approach.

You can avoid these less than favorable outcomes by avoiding punishment and by doing what actually works. That is, teach your child what you want and what is appropriate and desired behavior. Once you have done that, give them ways they can practice the good behavior. Finally, reinforce appropriate and desired behavior until it becomes a habit and the bad behavior has disappeared.
