David Attenborough: 'I wouldn't be prepared to sit on an egg'

Britain's most famous naturalist talks about filming penguins in 3D, what a penguin might taste like – and why you can't use them to de-ice your windscreen
Sir David Attenborough
Force of nature … Sir David Attenborough. Photograph: Martin Godwin for the Guardian

Hi, Sir Dave. You've made a new film, The Penguin King 3D, out on DVD now. Er, why penguins?

Because they're particularly well suited to the process of making 3D films. The 3D film camera takes four people to carry, three quarters of an hour to change the lens, and a back-up of about a dozen people. (1) So you have to choose an animal that is not frightened and won't run away.

So it'd be hard to make a 3D film about tigers because you'd be so busy faffing about with lenses etc that they'd get bored and eat you?

Yes. You wouldn't be able to film tigers unless you were in a Land Rover. You can't use a long lens. You'd have to get close to get the 3D effect. It's no good filming a tiger 50 yards away. A 3D film on tigers would be extremely difficult to do.

Birds only see in black and white. Or is that dogs? How does a penguin wear a pair of 3D glasses without them slipping down their beak anyway? They haven't got any ears!

Oh, they certainly do have ears. The opening is covered with feathers. Birds have more colour receptors in their eyes than we do (2). I'm not sure about the colour sensitivity of penguins to be truthful. But they don't depend on vision, it's not very important.

And how are penguins supposed to operate a DVD player? They haven't got any fingers!

[Unamused]. Come on!

In the film (3), one of the male penguins sits on his egg for months only to discover he's been sitting on a stone. Is this a good example of why you should never trust a man to do a woman's job?

They don't necessarily think it's an egg but they take something that will give them the sensation. It's like sucking your thumb. Some incubate pieces of ice if they can't find an egg.

In this modern age, isn't it a bit sexist to suggest it's the man's job to do all the egg-sitting, like suggesting it's the woman's job to do all the vacuuming?

It isn't just the male. They both do it at different stages.

If I had an egg and a stopwatch handy, which I don't, how long would you personally be prepared to sit on an egg for?

I wouldn't be prepared to sit on an egg if you had a stopwatch handy or not. Some penguins stay on for weeks without food.

Is it true penguins topple backwards like dominos when an aeroplane flies over? Is this why you get very few penguins working in air traffic control?

No. It's a complete myth.

Whoops. Why do people think that?

Because they're fed silly stories by the press (4).

Some people favour ostrich meat as a low-fat alternative to chicken. Is penguin an option?

I haven't eaten penguin (5) but plenty of Antarctic explorers kept the wolf from the door – if I can use the expression – by eating penguin. I imagine it's fishy.

Surely penguins are endangered? Or can you chomp on one whenever you fancy?

I'm not sure who's going to police that particular rule in the Antarctic.

Anyway, I'm convinced. Penguins are definitely cute. If I get one for Christmas, is it best to keep it in the bath or the freezer?

I'd take it back to the zoo if I were you, unless you've got a lot of fresh fish.

Were you tempted to make your penguins even cuter by letting them dance and talk?

Certainly not. Because they don't talk.

You were once famously groomed by a gorilla (6). Fancy being groomed by a penguin?

Well, they do groom one another actually. But I don't have fine feathers to groom, and they would be unlikely to groom my anorak.

A penguin looks like an excellent way to de-ice your windscreen.

I wouldn't try that if I were you.

Do penguins have any strange mating rituals that G2 readers could use to spice up things in the bedroom?

Human beings don't take tips from other animals. Human beings are inventive enough by themselves.

No kinky penguin sex then?

No. They're very simple. They court by crossing their beaks. (7)

Shame. Finally, why don't polar bears like Penguins (8)?

[Deadpan] Ha, ha.

Thanks, Sir David. Don't worry, I'm going home now.

Thank you.


1. All right, we didn't ask for your life story

2. They get to see near ultraviolet too. Far out, man.


4. That's us. Hello!

5. Sir Dave is veggie.

6. In Rwanda back in the free-lovin' 70s

7. In 1910, Dr George Levick noted that penguins don't mind a bit of necrophilia but, erm, don't try that at home, readers

8. [You're fired – Ed]