Thursday, December 13, 2012

Better Mental Health Through Elves

Browsing in a B. Dalton's bookstore in a big shopping mall in Elmira, NY, 1987. Came home and wrote this:

Everyone knows that the single most effective way to Higher Consciousness is through elves.

To achieve this goal, grown adults, who understand the Way of the Elf, compose stories for children. Some children find these stories tiresome and unrealistic, but these effects are well-known hurdles over which a child must pass to achieve Higher Consciousness.

Higher Consciousness is nothing to fool around with. If we don't all achieve it, and quick, the world is going to experience several disastrous effects: 1. Heavy industry will quadruple its output of noxious wastes into the atmosphere and environment. 2. Reprehensible chicanery among government officials and political leaders everywhere will also quadruple. 3. Mass epidemics, dwarfing anything known to history, will decimate the world population. 4. A free-for-all with nuclear weapons, something that has been waiting in the wings of the future for many years now, will begin.

Grown adults who have begun to cull small amounts of Higher Consciousness for themselves (and for their sometimes reluctant neighbors) through vigorous psychic exercise, strict attention to diet, special meditation techniques and positive attitudes, all recognize the importance of elves to children. Responsible, modern-minded parents everywhere are purchasing books about, and in some cases by, elves, at their local Tom Thumb or B. Dalton booksellers. They are leaving these books in conspicuous places in their homes, where a child may pick the books up and, at least, page through them.

Books about elves teach a child how to learn about himself... in a very special way. These stories, produced by adults who themselves understand the needs of Higher Consciousness, are crafted according to strict psychological and spiritual guidelines designed to draw emotional responses from children which are known behavioral attributes of humans possessed of Higher Consciousness: "misty" looks or facial patterns in which the eyes seem deepened due to a slight excess of compassionate tear duct excreta; subdued, lightly lugubrious chuckling, sometimes characterized by the child's sighing and smiling patiently, accompanied by a gentle left-to-right motion of the head, usually triggered by encounters with adults yet to understand elves.

Stories about elves usually come in large, colorfully illustrated books with easy to read print. Well-known popular writers of fiction who do not have the Higher Consciousness to write books about elves themselves, recommend these books. Here is a sampling of typical authors' recommendations of a book, LISA ELF THINKS STARS ARE GOOD, published by Windless-Hall Press:

"Thank the moon and stars for this great book! The drawings are really soft-focus looking! I can't wait to read it first thing tomorrow afternoon... I'm sure I'll love it... can't wait to learn more about myself... through elves!" -- Stephen King, popular horror fiction writer

"I had no idea how enlightening a book employing elves could be for me, never mind my grandkids. They don't act too keen about me reading it to them. That's all right, I'll just keep reading it myself. Send more!" -- Andy Rooney, popular TV curmudgeon

"I always supposed that American literature was purely materialistic claptrap... until I read "Lisa." Thanks for changing my mind and teaching me to learn about myself to boot, through elves! I have a reluctant niece who should read this..." -- Anthony Burgess, popular British novelist

"Lisa"... just saved me the trouble... writing another tedious book of my own... all that psychology knows can be boiled down to an elf's viewpoint of life... I'll never see the stars the same way again..." -- Gail Sheehy, Psychologist/author

Time and space prohibit reproduction of all the testimonials of the famous, the authoritative and common people rather like yourselves who now understand that Elf-Books (TM) provide the breakthrough to both Higher Consciousness and mental health for today's children! So order an Elf-Book (TM) today! You'll be convinced. And when you're convinced, you'll have the power to convince your children! They need convincing.


Blogger Michael Stanton said...

That was hilarious. I think we are in a new age of such imbecilic books.

4:16 AM  
Blogger Michael Stanton said...

That was hilarious :p

4:17 AM  

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