How to Spot a Sociopath

Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC

Updated: April 20, 2019


Part One of Two:
Reading the Signs

  1. 1
    Look for a lack of shame. Most sociopaths can commit vile actions and not feel the least bit of remorse. Such actions may include physical abuse or the public humiliation of others. If the person is a true sociopath, then he or she will feel no remorse about hurting others, lying, manipulating people or just acting in an unacceptable way.[2]
    • When a sociopath does something wrong, he or she is likely to accept none of the blame, blaming others instead.[3]
    • Sociopaths are willing to hurt whomever whenever if it means that they will achieve their goals. This is why many sociopaths tend to be highly successful people. However, keep in mind that, although many people think sociopaths hunt people for sport, this is often not true; They simply do as they please without caring about how it affects others.[4]
    • Sociopaths may be cruel to animals and will show absolutely no remorse for that, either.[5]
  2. 2
    See if the person lies constantly. Sociopaths are perfectly comfortable going through their lives telling a series of lies. In fact, true sociopaths are uncomfortable when they are telling the truth. If they are caught lying, they will back pedal and continue to lie to cover it up. If they are on the verge of being caught lying in a major way, they may then confess everything wildly in order to maintain your loyalty.
    • For example, they may promise to seek help and then never follow it through, or they may make changes for a short time and then return to their old ways.
    • Sociopaths love to lie about their pasts, too, so look for inconsistencies in their stories. Also, pay attention if someone else, who is familiar with the socipath's past, grossly disagrees with the sociopath's version of events or unknowingly discloses important information that the sociopath withheld.
    • Some sociopaths will go to great lengths to make you believe their lies. For example, a sociopath may pretend to leave home "to go to work" every day even if they are unemployed.[6]
    • Many sociopaths are delusional to the point where they believe that their lies are the truth. For example, Charles Manson once said, "I've never killed anyone! I don't need to kill anyone!" (He said this in reference to the fact that his followers killed someone and not he himself.)
  3. 3
    See if they are able to stay eerily calm in spite of their circumstances. A sociopath can experience an event that triggers high emotions in others without feeling any emotion themselves. Sociopaths don't register events in the same way as non-sociopaths, and may barely react in dangerous or scary situations. If they forget to act, they may respond to any good or bad news with a cold blank stare.[7]
    • If you find yourself flustered or panicked and the person you're with doesn't look perturbed, then he or she may not register an event as seriously as you do and this may be a sign of impaired empathy on their part. Sociopaths lack the ability to empathise with emotions of others.
    • Check to see if the person has ever seemed anxious or nervous, especially in situations that should naturally cause this behavior. Even though some people are more even-keeled than others, most people eventually display some form of anxiety.
    • Also, consider if the person has ever responded with strong emotions in a situation where it seemed unwarranted. This could have been a fabricated (fake) emotion, or it may have been part of a defense mechanism.
    • Studies show that sociopaths do not display anxiety when shown images that would disturb others or when expecting to receive small electrical shocks. In those situations, non-sociopaths do register anxiety and fear.[8]
  4. 4
    Consider if they are extremely charming and generous, at least at first. Sociopaths are adept at charming people and making grand, generous gestures because they know how to get what they want. Charming people know how to make people feel special, to ask people the right questions about themselves, and to generally be perceived as fun, likable, and interesting. Truly charming people possess the ability to charm almost anyone, from little kids to old ladies. If the person is incredibly charming and generous at first, while his or her later behavior scares or confuses you, then you may have a sociopath on your hands.[9]
    • The person might go out of their way to help strangers or be incredibly generous with people they hardly know. However, they might be the total opposite with family and close friends.
    • Although many sociopaths can be extremely charming, they harbor strong anti-social inclinations. They can be extremely charming, and then cold and distant. They are also not quite genuine in the interactions either. When someone has very polarized behavior, ranging from antisocial to extremely charming, it is a marker of disintegration in their psyche - and that is a red flag. It can also be an attempt to elicit rejection and wounding, to control others with. It is always accompanied with a lack of compassion or basic consideration of another's life. If it doesn't feel genuine from within them, it could very well be a person with sociopathic tendencies.[10]
  5. 5
    Notice if the person is manipulative. Sociopaths understand human weakness and exploit it maximally. Once determined, they can manipulate individuals to do just about anything. Sociopaths prey on weak people and often stay away from people of equal strength to them ; they look for people who are sad, insecure or looking for a meaning in life because they know that these people are 'soft' targets. In other words, a person with unmet needs is a person that can be more easily manipulated through those unmet needs. Check to see if the person is great at getting other people to do what he or she wants.[11]
    • Sociopaths will slowly gain dominance and control over a person without the other person realizing it. Sociopaths like to be in control of every situation and are uncomfortable being around other people who are strong. They will often offer to do everything under the guise of being helpful, but actually they want to be in control of everything. They are always worried about being exposed.[12]
    • When strong people are around, sociopaths are afraid of getting caught out. They will keep their distance and, from a distance, make small contact with the 'strong' person, to see if they are noticed. However, sociopaths like to prey on the strongest people they can deceive, remain unseen, or exposed from. Once they feel exposed, they will play their trump cards, or get out... always using an excuse that doesn't make sense.
    • They gain much of their dominance through psychological warfare, creating dependency in other person. Like venom, their game plan is to weaken people over time. They think that if they can remain unseen, they can stay out of harm’s way.
    • See if the person is completely comfortable deceiving people and blatantly telling lies to get what he or she wants. In the same way they have little to no empathy, their integrity will be low or deficient However, onlookers may think this person has an excellent moral character.[13]
  6. 6
    Look for them having instigated violence. As children, some sociopaths torture defenseless people and animals. This violence is always instigated, not defensive. They will create drama out of thin air, or twist what others say. They will often overreact strongly to minor or perceived offenses. If they are challenged or confronted about it, they will attempt to divert attention away from themselves, counting on the empathic person's empathy and consideration of people to protect them, as long as they can remain undetected. Their attempt to point the finger the other way, is both a smokescreen to being detected, and an attempt to confuse the situation.[14]
    • If you have the sense that, while the person is outwardly calm, he or she can snap and get violent at any moment, yet become calm again soon after, then he or she may be demonstrating sociopathic tendencies.
  7. 7
    See if the person has a huge ego. Sociopaths often have delusions of grandeur and think they are the greatest people in the world. They will be completely unresponsive to criticism and have an extremely inflated sense of self. They don't care about others, wishing only to use them. They will also have a huge sense of entitlement, thinking that they deserve amazing things to be created for them without consideration for others' well being whilst doing so. [15]
    • They may also have a completely unrealistic view of their own abilities; for example, they may think that they are extremely talented at singing or dancing when, in reality, they possess almost no skills in these fields. They are either delusional, which is often true, and/ or say such things to add to the facade/mask are wearing/creating in their agenda of deception.
    • The person may also think they are better than everyone else, without any evidence of their superiority.
    • The person may also be narcissistic, far more interested in talking about themselves than in hearing what others have to say. Sociopaths can take any person's struggle or suffering and make it about them. The person, in general, doesn't want to hear what anyone else has to say. Also, the person spends a great deal of time staring in the mirror rather than observing others in the world.
  8. 8
    Notice if the person has any deep friendships. Although not everyone is lucky in the friends lottery, your guard should go up if someone has few real friends. He or she may have lackeys (people who hang around them just to get bossed around), or people who hover around to try and 'mooch off' them, but try to see if they have any meaningful connections with people. If they have almost no friends, then there's a high chance that there's something wrong with them, unless they are very shy or for another compelling reason.[16]
    • Consider family members, too. If the person isn't in touch with any members of their family and never talks about them, there may be a problem. Of course, the person may have other reasons for not talking to them, such as having had a difficult childhood.[17]
    • Look for a lack of connection with the past. If the person has virtually no friends from high school, college or any part of their past life, then they may be a sociopath as well. Take note if the person gives you stories of repeated betrayals throughout their life and uses this to explain their lack of friends or history of failed relationships. Once exposed, they move on to find a better target or victim, their wish being to wreak havoc in other people’s lives.
  9. 9
    Consider if the person likes to isolate you. Sociopaths like to meet people, move fast and come in close. This is so the other person doesn't have a chance to pull back or time to change their mind. You may find that, after just a few weeks, the sociopath is acting very intensely around you if you're romantically involved with them. They may even make you feel like you're soul mates because they are so good at reading people that they can say exactly what you want to hear. The sociopath is likely to have determined that you have an unmet need or dream to be in a close relationship, and they consider it a good opportunity to wear a mask that fits that need or dream. Ultimately, the sociopath will want to have you all to themselves instead of "sharing" you with the world.[18]
    • If you are dating one, the sociopath will quickly try to get you to stop seeing your friends, because the sociopath will feel threatened by them. The sociopath will make excuses for not being around your friends, saying things like, "They don't really get you like I do," or "They never give me a chance," or "They are just turning you against me because they don't like me." The sociopath will play the victim to the extreme in an attempt to elicit empathic protection from their target. This is an attempt to make their target feel as if they are the sociopath's only saviour, and that they should spend all of their time with and listening only to the sociopath.[19]
  10. 10
    • Neediness. The person may want you to be there for them whenever they want you.
    • Unready for responsibilities. The person may not be prepared for, able to deal with or be given any form of meaningful responsibility. They will either pass any work to others, take credit whilst excusing failure, or will avoid responsibility entirely.
  11. 11
    Look for 'gaslighting'. Since sociopaths lie and deceive, they tend to make the victim look and feel as though they are the problem that the sociopath is causing. The medical terminology is 'projection', and is a calling card of the sociopath.
    • Blaming you for what they have done to you. If the person is lying and accuses you of being a liar, then you could be dealing with a sociopath.
    • Making you feel crazy. If the person is doing something that is driving you nuts, and making it seem as though you are crazy, then you are likely dealing with a sociopath.
  12. 12
    Observe if they use an intense, manipulative stare to attempt to intimidate you. A sociopath's ego is fuelled by a victim's discomfort.
    • If the person uses a cold, blank stare to intimidate you, and shows no remorse for your nervousness, you are probably dealing with a sociopath.

Part Two of Two:
Getting Away

  1. 1
    Don't give them anything they want from you. When dealing with sociopaths be as boring as possible to not feed the sociopath's need for excitement. Sociopaths are easily bored.[20] This includes not giving them emotional entertainment. Remain calm when talking to them. Don't get excited or argue with them. Feel free to ignore their attempts to engage you! Silence is the best response to a sociopath. Also pretend that you have nothing that the sociopath may want. Pretend that you lost your money, had your things already stolen, etc. Whatever it is that you provide for them, find an excuse - in a non-emotional, non-confrontational way - to not be able to provide it anymore.
  2. 2
  3. 3
    • However, keep in mind that is it normal to experience self-doubt during this process because the sociopath knows how to make you question yourself with their altered version of reality.
  4. 4
    Get out as quickly as possible if you're dating the person. If you happen to be dating the person who is a sociopath, then you have to get out as quickly and safely as you can. The longer you wait, the worse things will be, and the more likely you'll be to get sucked into that person's line of thinking. If you need to end the relationship, then you have to tell the person as soon and as quickly as you can; there's no need to say you want to end the relationship because you think the person is sociopathic.
    • Keep your reason vague to avoid providing them with ammunition to manipulate you. Be firm about your decision because you will likely have to repeat and reinforce your decision many times.
    • If you're in a truly controlling or manipulative relationship, then you may not want to end it by yourself. You may need to do it over the phone or have a friend there to help you if you need to pick up your belongings. A sociopath may not take no for an answer. If you try to end the relationship, the sociopath may go to desperate and even violent measures to get you to stay.
  5. 5
    Warn others. Though you don't need to go around broadcasting the fact that the person is sociopath to all of the world (unless the person is really a danger to others), you should consider warning people in that person's circle. Definitely, warn others who are considering dating 'the person'. Don't anger 'the person' by telling everyone he or she is a sociopath. However, if a situation presents itself where a potential victim really needs to be warned, don't be afraid to say what you think.
  6. 6
  7. 7
    Give up fear of the sociopath. Instead, use your own thinking skills (as previously noted) and use reason and calmness to respond. For starters, a sociopath can fake everything, so if this person is pretending, there is little point playing up to a hollow cut-out. Second, sociopaths are intelligent and this may well be a source of your own distress, trying to keep up or make a pretense at being as clever or as knowing, or more likely, dodging their overwhelming need to make their own intelligence or cleverness the center of everything.
    • If you give up fearing the sociopath, and stop trying to be better than or at the same level as the sociopath, but rather, become far more accepting of your own self and appreciate what makes you worthy and valuable, a sociopath will have a hard time manipulating you. The majority of sociopaths are not killers, sadists or monsters; they're human beings who need to be handled with care. They do not choose to be a sociopath just as you don't choose to be a victim of their wiles. However, you can make it harder or easier for a sociopath to manipulate your weaker self, so the choice lies with you. Educate yourself about the means through which human beings manipulate and mistreat one another and arm yourself with the methods by which you undermine such treatment and get on with your own life.
    • This is not to say the sociopath will appreciate you showing your strong self and refusing to be taken in. However, the sociopath will stop expending energy on you and making further attempts to manipulate you because he or she will know you will call them out on it, every single time. That gets to be boring, and no sociopath likes boredom.

Community Q&A

  • Question
    Do sociopaths bounce their legs or pick the skin on their fingers?
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    • It is possible, but this is likely not the result of their sociopathy. These behaviors are generally related to anxiety, ADD/ADHD, OCD, Tourette's syndrome, or other causes. It is possible that sociopath also experiences one of these conditions.
    Thanks! 233 85
  • Question
    So, as a sociopath I should just commit suicide so everyone would be happier?
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    • Absolutely not. Suicide always results in harm to someone - generally family or friends - in the form of guilt, regret, confusion, despair, or sadness. It is never a solution. Your best bet would be to get some professional help to determine if you meet these criteria and to follow a treatment plan set out for you by this professional.
    Thanks! 382 208
  • Question
    Can someone I suspect still potentially be a sociopath even if they're not a physically violent person?
    Community Answer
    • How do you know the person is not violent? Violence doesn't have to be present for someone to be a sociopath. Nevertheless, some kind of dominating/controlling thing/niche has to be there. And emotional violence is as real as physical violence.
    Thanks! 491 69
  • Question
    Do sociopaths ignore their loved ones because they have no feelings?
    Community Answer
    • Not exactly. Those with self centered personalities "feel very much," but their feelings are about themselves and their own needs. Reverence, gifts, and displays of affection toward others are so that others meet their needs, and are not about genuine affection.
    Thanks! 537 84
  • Question
    What if a person has almost all the traits, but not all?
    Community Answer
    • The sociopath may be skilled and is attempting to hide the rest of his/her traits. Alternatively, maybe you have not been around the person long enough to identify the rest of their behaviour patterns. If you have identified a few patterns, take care. Do not be in self-denial about the sociopath as you would only cause yourself further harm. For the sake of your own sanity, distance yourself completely from the sociopath.
    Thanks! 627 114
  • Question
    Do sociopaths know everything and never admit they are wrong?
    Community Answer
    • They think they know everything, which is very different from actually knowing everything (which nobody ever has or ever will). As a general rule, it can be nearly impossible to convince them they're wrong about anything. Most of the time, unless they're in the "wooing" stage (where they'll agree with whatever a person is saying to build trust,) they will double down on their lie, even when confronted with proof of the falsehood. This can be one of two things, sometimes both: a) As sociopaths are all ego, it simply won't compute that they could be wrong, or b) as a method of self-preservation--if they can convince you to deny objective reality in favor of the fact that they're so confident (again, ego,) they've dodged responsibility.
    Thanks! 350 60
  • Question
    Are cheaters and liars sociopaths?
    Community Answer
    • Some are, but not all. There are many reasons someone might cheat or lie, and sociopathy is only one among those many reasons.
    Thanks! 308 52
  • Question
    Is my brother a sociopath if he likes to hurt me?
    Community Answer
    • He may be. People with sociopathic tendencies usually want control or power over other people. He may also be a sadist who finds pleasure (in a sexual or non-sexual sense) in inflicting pain on others. Is your brother hurting you for pleasure, or is he just angry? If he is angry, you should probably call a domestic abuse hotline. If he seems to be enjoying it, he should seek therapy. Regardless of his intentions, you should set clear boundaries to protect yourself.
    Thanks! 132 21
  • Question
    What should I do if I think this could be me?
    Community Answer
    • Try to not harm others, and use your talents to aid others, rather than to manipulate or attack.
    Thanks! 228 41
  • Question
    What are the facial signs?
    Community Answer
    • Here are a few characteristics: not making eye contact, small flickers of anger and/or annoyance, blank stares, and mimicking your behavior.
    Thanks! 509 102
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  • Sociopaths will go lot further than the general population to achieve their goals and stay on course longer.
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  • If a person is "too good to be true", they probably are. This is the case for any DSM diagnosis, including sociopathy, borderline, and narcissism.[24]
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  • You know that sociopaths are going to lie about their past, so take most of what they say with a grain of salt. Instead, look for any consistencies in any of their stories. Generally, there will be one or two details among all their fabrications that generally remain the same. This could either be the truth, or something they've said so often they think it's the truth.
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  • Realize that they may try to manipulate you, and learn to spot when they're trying. Otherwise, they could make you do stuff you don't want to.
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  • Attempt to manipulate them. While this is very difficult, it can be rewarding if you are able to. To do so, you have to make them think it was their idea. Make them believe they want to do what you want them to. If they think that you had nothing to do with the idea, then they are more likely to do it.
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  • They often overreact emotionally in youth. They will watch other's reactions to circumstances and will mimic their response. Pay close attention and you'll see that their reactions are a bit delayed after observing. They may seem like a very sensitive child due to mimicking emotions they see but over doing it.
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  • Keep notes on your interactions - date, time, and description. These notes can be invaluable in tracking what was said, what happened, et al. - and may be vital if you end up needing to petition the court for a restraining order.
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  • Sociopaths will feel a constant need to tell you they love you while hardly ever showing you. They do this to gauge how you feel about them, especially if they think you're suspicious of them.
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  • Be cautious for yourself. If you find yourself constantly trying to figure out know what they are doing or if there is violence especially, don't wait to see how bad it can get in an effort to determine if their actions are deliberate or compulsive.
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  • Sociopaths are less prone to emotion and so can use your emotion against you. It is most effective to deal with people in terms they understand; so, if you must deal with a sociopath, leave your emotions/feelings at the door or they will control you.
    113 Helpful?  11
  • Be immune to their charm. This just goes without saying.
    108 Helpful?  14
  • Don't let them know that you're on to them. While this could go different ways depending on the sociopath, it's still best that they don't know that you know.
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  • Sociopathic tendencies can often be confused with that of conditions such as autism or vice versa. The key difference is that sociopaths lack conscience, whereas autistic people do care, but may be clueless how to respond, and guess wrong.
    78 Helpful?  20

About This Article

Licensed Professional Counselor
664 votes - 93%
Co-authors: 108
Updated: April 20, 2019
Views: 5,621,021
Article Summary

If you’re trying to tell if someone is a sociopath, pay attention to whether or not they show remorse, since a sociopath often will not feel bad about lying or hurting others. If you catch the person in a number of lies, this can be another sign that they are a sociopath. You may also notice that the person tends to manipulate the people around them in order to get their way. Although sociopaths are often very charming at first, their behavior may become scary or violent once you get close to them, and you should get away from them as soon as possible.


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    Jul 3, 2018

    "Wow! This describes the person I was married to for over 20 years! Lies, deception, blame, humiliation, plots, schemes, harassment, charming to manipulate me all along. The thought of him makes me sick to my stomach! I believe everything he knows, he learned from his family. He fits all characteristics in the article, it even brought back memories and conversations that I must have forgotten. It was a daily and constant thing with him. Thank you, now I can explain it to other people!"..." more
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    Jan 31, 2017

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    "Thank you for a brilliant, easy-to-understand article! I needed to read it. I thought I was going mad, because I've been manipulated by a person who's clearly had sociopathic tendencies for over three years. My self-esteem plummeted because he made me feel like I was crazy, paranoid, and needy. Ugh! It's awful to be in love with a sociopath. They're totally without feeling. "..." more
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    Jun 9, 2016

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    Apr 27, 2016

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    "I learned that I'm not sociopathic and that a friend of mine is. I knew there was something very wrong about her, but felt she was more than just narcissistic. This was a very good article for me. I made the right decision to distance my friendship with her."..." more
  • AB

    Andrea Branam

    Aug 8, 2016

    "Yes, I found this extremely helpful. All the information was spot-on. I found myself actually married to a sociopath. This article has helped me have a better understanding of how a sociopath thinks and why they behave the way they do and the warning signs."..." more
  • A


    May 11, 2017

    "I'm dealing with a co-worker who was a part of a "mean girls group." They always made problems for anyone deemed more attractive than them, more capable, intelligent, etc. The leader of this group left because people were on to her. Definitely sociopaths."..." more
  • JS

    Joe Solomon

    Sep 1, 2016

    "The whole article really helped me and before reading it all, I couldn't wait but shared it with two other siblings. This is descriptive of another sibling and this person's behavior is causing a havoc in the family. I hope my siblings will be enlightened."..." more
  • CJ

    Carole Jarman

    Feb 17, 2017

    "I was a widow, he was charming, attentive at first. I had some money then. But he had 90% of the symptoms you describe. Money all gone, he has moved on, but nothing was his fault, I am a nervous wreck, no self esteem, he made me think it was me at fault."..." more
  • AJ

    Ange Jones

    Nov 14, 2017

    "Yes, this helped. My sister is dating a suspected sociopath and this entire article was spot on, aside from a few childhood claims that could have happened but I'm not aware of. It was so accurate to this person, it was a little scary to read to the end."..." more
  • CM

    Chris Madog

    Jan 6, 2017

    "I run two small groups, and this article has confirmed my thoughts on a small number of members with manipulative behavior and the lies and deceptions they constantly use to manipulate people. As can be imagined, this is quite destructive in both groups."..." more
  • DR

    Dawn Robertson

    Jul 22, 2016

    "The entire article was helpful. Although I had suspected that the person had a problem, I had no idea what it was. Although I was helpful to the person, I know it was always within reason and had boundaries attached as I could never entirely trust her."..." more
  • JA

    Jacqueline Anderson

    Dec 27, 2016

    "I have a person who is definitely exhibits all of the characteristics living in the next apartment. She came to me and brandished a baseball bat under my nose when I made a noise complaint. I now have information that will help me stay out of danger."..." more
  • JM

    Jack Michaelson

    Jul 16, 2016

    "Pointed out numerous tendencies within my last two girlfriends. I do relate and act in some of the ways mentioned as well. How would a sociopathic couple work? In the past, when a partner was caught within webs of lies, they made excuses and ran away."..." more
  • SH

    Sue Hughes

    Aug 26, 2018

    "I was married to a sociopath for nearly 25 turbulent and sometimes traumatic years. I'm now happily married to the man of my dreams. I have a 7 year old son with my previous husband, so still have lots of contact. It's so good to finally understand!"..." more
  • LH

    Lisa Hall

    Jul 24, 2016

    "Justification of what I already knew. Trying to tell others what you're living with is difficult, because sociopaths are charming to your family and friends. My ex-husband and oldest stepson were sociopaths. Thank you for this eye opening article."..." more
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