As parents, most of us from time to time, give our children commands. We say things like, "don't hit your sister," and "don't throw the ball in the house," and hopefully, most of the time our children comply, at least temporarily.

The problem however is that as children grow up, they become more and more autonomous and although they still lack wisdom and knowledge, they like to think for themselves. Ultimately using a lot of "don't" commands just teaches kids what not to do (as opposed to what we'd actually like them to do) and furthermore, in many instances it invites a certain amount of mild rebellion.

When I was about 3 years old, my mother got me a bean bag. She said, "This is a toy for you to play with; use your imagination and think up games." Good advice, but then she added, "And if this thing ever breaks, whatever you do, do not put any beans in your nose."

Now I never would have thought about putting beans from a bean bag in my nose, but most of the time when my parents said "don't" it seemed to me that they were thwarting my desire for fun. I tucked that away and spent the next several days playing with my bean bag. It made a great football, a pretty good basketball, and an okay baseball, but after being kicked and tossed and hit with a stick, it ultimately tore.


Beans began pouring out and I knew that my bean bag was through. As I picked up the pieces however, I remembered my mother's sage advice, "Don't put those beans in your nose." Immediately I selected a suitable bean and using my index finger, shoved it in my nose. Nothing happened. After a few minutes I thought, "Well this is pretty dumb," and I began to try and fish that bean out of my nose.

Of course the more I pushed, the deeper it became lodged. Finally in resignation, I gave up and decided that I would just have to live with a bean in my nose.

About three days later my mother was tucking me into bed for the night and all of a sudden she got a funny look on her face and said, "You have a terrible odor about you. Did you brush your teeth?" I told her that I had and showed her the wet toothbrush. I must have had trouble looking her in the eye, however, as she said, "Something's wrong. Tell me what's going on."

Busted. Tearfully (and fearfully) I told her the twisted saga of the bean in my nose. She looked at me like I was some kind of alien being, and shook her head. She went to the medicine cabinet and brought back a pair of tweezers in the hopes that she could extract the now sprouting bean. (You know how beans love warm, moist environments!) She tried and tried to no avail. Finally she gave up and told me that we had to go to the emergency room at the local hospital.

A half-hour later, I was on the table and the doctor was using some instrument to extract the bean from my nose. As he pulled it out, he held it up in front of me and said, "Kid, didn't anyone ever tell you not to stick beans up your nose?"

I've thought of this story often when I've heard parents giving the strangest "don't" commands. "Don't wipe your nose on your sister's blouse," or "Don't put sand in your wading pool." I'm left to wonder if these children were smarter than I was, or if at the first chance, the very thing they had never even thought of doing, was now foremost on their minds.

A much better approach with children is to teach them "what to do" rather than always teaching them "what not to do." Statements such as "please treat your brother with kindness," and "Please use your inside voice" are much better received than "Don't hit your brother," or "Don't yell in the house," (a command that is often yelled out by the parent themselves!)

When we teach children "What to do" we are in essence teaching them how to please their parents, and believe it or not, children mostly want to please their parents. Unfortunately we often "catch and reward" their negative behaviors (we "reward" these behaviors by giving them attention) and children are frustrated in their attempt to please the parent, so they learn that the fastest way to get a parent's attention is through a negative action.

Positive directives lead to positive outcomes, while "don't" commands may just lead to beans in your child's nose!

Tom Westfall teaches parenting classes at Family Resource Center.