Tag: Divorce Is A Mistake

Depression - What It Is, What To Do About It - Part 1

Depression: What It Is and What to Do About It – Part 2

Angela Capretti

This is the second of a two-part series on depression. In this article, I will describe how depression is treated and prevented. If you or someone close to you suffers from depression, it is important to educate yourself about it and seek treatment from qualified mental health professionals.

There are three basic ways to treat depression: Psychotherapy, self-help, and medication. Many people respond best to a combination of two or more methods.

  1. Psychotherapy: Self exploration, and learning new ways of thinking and behaving, with the guidance of a professional.
  2. Self-help: Exploring one’s beliefs and ways of thinking on one’s own.
  3. Medication: Altering one’s brain chemistry by taking antidepressant medication.

A physician may recommend medication when four conditions exist:

  1. The patient’s depression is severe.
  2. The patient has suffered at least two previous depressive episodes.
  3. There is a family history of depression.
  4. The patient asks for medication only and refuses Psychotherapy.

There are four types of antidepressant medication available today:

  1. Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs)
  2. Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs)
  3. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
  4. Structurally unrelated compounds

The TCAs and MAOIs have been used for decades. The SSRIs (such as Prozac) and structurally unrelated compounds are newer and are being prescribed more and more frequently. They have fewer and less pronounced side effects than the TCAs and MAOIs.

Treatment without Medicine

One of the leading methods for treating depression is cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapists help depressed clients feel better by helping them identify how faulty ways of thinking are making him or her feel bad as well as helping them to implement new behaviors. During treatment for depression the client analyzes his or her thoughts and beliefs, and learns to substitute more healthy ways of thinking and believing, and modifies unhealthy behaviors.

Prevention of Depression

Depression can often be prevented. It is especially important to take preventive action if you are aware that you have predisposing factors such as those mentioned in the last newsletter.

  1. Identify your risk factors and be aware of where you are vulnerable. Each of us has unique risk factors, such as things we were taught in our families of origin, values we have learned, and the presence of a family history of depression. Anything that has been learned can be unlearned and replaced with something healthier.
  2. Learn to manage stress. You can learn proven techniques for calming and relaxing yourself. Consider taking a stress management class or buying a set of relaxation tapes.
  3. Learn problem-solving skills. Many people who develop depression never learned problem-solving skills. They need to develop the ability to see problems from many viewpoints and to look for a variety of solutions.
  4. Build your life around good things. Learn to recognize what you can control and what you can’t. Avoid spending much effort on situations that won’t pay off for you.
  5. Learn self-acceptance. Instead of rejecting the parts of yourself you don’t like, learn to manage them more productively.
  6. Become aware of selective perception. Observe how you generate ideas and opinions about people and events. Remember that these are just your views, not necessarily objective facts.
  7. Focus on the future, not the past. Depressed people tend to be focused on the past. People who set goals and focus on the future tend to be more positive about life.
  8. Develop a sense of purpose. Many depressed people lack a sense of purpose or meaning. This means they have no goals and nothing in the future drawing them forward. To prevent depression, develop your sense of purpose and meaning.
  9. Strengthen your emotional boundaries and set limits. Boundaries define your role in a social situation. They determine how you will or won’t behave in a given situation. Having clear, strong boundaries is empowering, while boundary violations make you feel victimized and helpless. Setting limits means having and enforcing rules for the behaviors you expect in a relationship.
  10. Build positive and healthy relationships. Think about what you need from others in relationships. Learn to read people and trust your instincts about which people are good for you.
  11. Avoid isolation. Talk to others about what’s going on with you. If you keep your thoughts to yourself, you may be unaware that your thoughts are distorted. If you share them with another person, you can become more objective.

Signs That Professional Therapy Is Needed

  1. Thinking about death or suicide. This is always dangerous and you should see a professional therapist immediately.
  4. You have become so isolated that you have no one with whom to test reality. Seek someone out to share your thoughts and feelings with.
  5. Depressive symptoms have become severe.

Suggested Reading

David D. Burns, M.D., Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. New York, Avon Books, 1980.

Michael Yapko, Ph.D., Breaking the Patterns of Depression. New York, Doubleday, 1997.

Angela Capretti 317-966-5108


Depression: What It Is and What to Do About It – Part 1

Angela Capretti

This is the first of a two-part series on depression. In this article, I will explore what depression is and what causes it. In the next article, I will describe how depression is treated and prevented. If you or someone close to you suffers from depression, it is important to educate yourself about it and seek treatment from qualified mental health professionals.

Depression is serious, not a harmless part of life. It is complex and can have a variety of causes. It is never caused by just one thing. It may be the result of a mix of factors, including genetic, chemical, physical, and sociological. It is also influenced by behavior patterns learned in the family and by cognitive distortions.

Depression affects millions of people in this country. It is always troubling, and for some people it can be disabling. Depression is more than just sadness or “the blues.” It can have an impact on nearly every aspect of a person’s life. People who suffer from depression may experience despair and worthlessness, and this can have an enormous impact on both personal and professional relationships.

Depression Is Pervasive


Symptoms of Depression

People who are depressed can have a combination of symptoms from the following list:

  • Fatigue or low energy
  • Much less interest or pleasure in most regular activities
  • Low self-esteem
  • Feeling worthless
  • Excessive or inappropriate guilt
  • Lessened ability to think or concentrate
  • Indecisiveness
  • Thinking distorted thoughts; having an unrealistic view of life
  • Weight gain or loss without dieting
  • Change in appetite
  • Change in sleeping patterns
  • Recurrent thoughts of death
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • A specific plan for committing suicide
  • A suicide attempt
  • Feelings of restlessness or being slowed down

When a person is suffering from depression, these symptoms cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. This means that the person’s family and social relationships, as well as work life, are impaired.

Grief, Sadness, and Depression

Depression may include feelings of sadness, but it is not the same as sadness. Depression lasts much longer than sadness. While depression involves a loss of self-esteem, grief, disappointment and sadness do not. People who are depressed function less productively. People who are sad or disappointed continue to function.

Depression and Socioeconomic Factors

Depression does not seem to be related to ethnicity, education, income, or marital status. It strikes slightly more women than men.

Some researchers believe that depression strikes more often in women who have a history of emotional and sexual abuse, economic deprivation, or are dependent on others. There seems to be a genetic link; depression is more common among parents, children, and siblings of people who are diagnosed with depression. The average age at the onset of a depressive episode is the mid-20s. People born more recently are being diagnosed at a younger age.

Physical Causes

Many physicians believe that depression results from a chemical imbalance in the brain. They often prescribe antidepressant medication, and many people find relief as a result. However, there is no reliable test to identify such a chemical imbalance. It is unknown whether life experiences cause mood changes, which create changes in brain chemistry, or whether it works in reverse.

Depression may be associated with physical events such as disease, physical trauma, and hormonal changes. A person who is depressed should have a physical examination as part of the assessment process to determine the role of physical causes.

Signs That Professional Treatment Is Needed

If you or someone you know is depressed and exhibits any of the following signs, it is extremely important to seek the assistance of a medical or mental health professional.

  2. When symptoms of depression continue for a long time, you may need professional help. Acute responses to events are normal, but they should not last beyond a reasonable amount of time.
  5. Depressive symptoms have become severe.

In my next article, I will discuss the treatment and prevention of depression.

Suggested Reading:


The American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th Edition. Washington, D.C., The American Psychiatric Association, 1994.


Angela Capretti 317-966-5108

healing the wounds of father loss

Healing The Wounds Of Father Loss

In my experience as a therapist, I have discovered that one of the most common and powerful root-causes for all sorts of “dysfunctionality,” for both men and women, is having been abandoned by their fathers during childhood. Father abandonment is almost epidemic in proportion. Affairs, divorce, depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, relationship addiction, sexual addiction eating disorders, workaholism, materialism, issues with trust, unrealistic fears, etc., can all be caused by father abandonment. Sensitive male leadership that is loving, consistent, hands-on and nurturing has been tragically rare in most families in past generations.

In my estimation, the most encouraging characteristic of this generation, from a mental health perspective, is the prevalent new breed of active, connected, committed, present fathers. They are now the rule, rather than the exception. A whole generation of children are now growing up knowing how it feels to be nurtured consistently by their fathers.

Common symptoms of father abandonment in men include workaholism, obliviousness, self-centeredness, grandiosity, unaccountability, addictive behavior, rage, control, and then, ironically, abandoning their own children. Stereotypical traits in father-abandoned women include being addicted to attention from men, low self-esteem, issues with jealousy, food addiction, depression, and a pervasive feeling of emptiness. Many women are also now joining their brothers in trying to win dad’s attention through achievement and workaholism.

Women who were abandoned by their fathers invariably instinctively select a mate who ultimately abandons them as well. This is one of the most common patterns that we see in alienated marriages. Getting rid of husband #1 who abandoned by having affairs is not the answer because then these women instinctively select husband #2 who abandons by being workaholic, and then husband #3 who abandons by perhaps playing too much golf. Women like this unconsciously seek to be abandoned so that they can indirectly process their issues of father abandonment with their husbands.

There are so many different ways that fathers can abandon their children. For the most part, in this article I am not referring to men who actually leave the home. Fathers can abandon their children by over-focusing on a variety of both good and bad things: TV, work, alcohol, gambling, sports, hunting, fishing, computers, pornography, household projects, reading, etc.

How well were you fathered? How much truly quality, intimate, child-focused time were you privileged enough to bask in with your father? How has your lack of quality fathering affected your adult relationships and your parenting style? The scripture tells us that the sins of the fathers are visited upon the children and upon the children’s children to the third and fourth generation. If your father was not there for you, for whatever reason, you can tell yourself that it hasn’t affected your adult life, but you would be fooling yourself to believe that. The love that we received or didn’t receive as we grew up serves as the foundation of our personalities. At this point in the game, is it actually possible to heal such deep childhood wounds? It is possible, but it is neither fun, nor easy. Know that you are far from being alone in having this issue. Actually, almost everybody you know probably has some experience with father abandonment.

At Family Tree Counseling Associates, our approach to the business of therapy might be considered somewhat unorthodox by some. We believe that we can best teach our clients about the process of emotional healing by sharing openly from our own family experiences. The feedback that we have received about this practice has been overwhelmingly positive. It helps the client to see the therapist as a human being rather than as a distant, cold, authority figure. In that spirit, I would like to share some of my own journey, with the hope that it might be helpful to some of you in your efforts to understand and resolve your father issues.

I certainly would be counted in the ranks of the father abandoned. As I was growing up, my father was a nice, passive, distant, extremely distracted figure who seemed much more interested in playing bridge, watching sports, reading the paper, and avoiding my mother at all costs than he was interested in me or my siblings. I have only one memory of ever going someplace with him alone; he took me with him once to give blood. I felt so special that day to be introduced as “the #2 son,” and to be given juice and cookies. When we did talk, it was about our beloved Pittsburgh Pirates. I don’t really remember missing him; it was just the way it was.

However, when I grew up and had my own children, a growing sense of hurt and anger towards my father began to come up for me. He still was emotionally cut off when he was around me. It was as if a bubble of narcissism surrounded him twenty-four hours a day. I couldn’t help but take it personally. He continued to ignore me, ignore my children, and put his addictive behavior first. I was bitter, and I would occasionally criticize, and even rage at him. Finally, I resigned myself to being as emotionally cut off from him as he was from me. To be completely honest, I questioned whether or not I would attend his funeral, were he to die.

At a recent conference a concept jumped out at me; the speaker said that we ourselves could heal wounds and become healthier and more individuated if we took the initiative to repair the emotional cut-off in the relationship within our families.

My father grew up in Butler, Pennsylvania. His mother was 14 years old when he was born. From what I could gather, his stepfather was mean and abusive to him. When my father joined the Air Force at age 18, he never looked back. I remember only one visit to Butler during the entirety of my childhood. He indicated to me that there really wasn’t anything good whatsoever with the whole town. He had two brothers and three sisters who might as well have fallen off the face of the earth. I knew nothing of what made him into what he was.

If I was to gain some understanding and perspective concerning my father’s flaws, I was going to find it in Butler, Pennsylvania. So, during the recent July 4th weekend, a friend and I took off on our motorcycles for Butler. What I found there was a long lost piece of myself.

My Aunts Ginny and Nellie and their husbands were gracious enough to meet with me. I’m sure they thought I had arrived from outer space. Within a few minutes of making their acquaintance we were knee-deep in painful family history. They explained that my father held a grudge against all of them, and against the town itself. They explained that he had never in his childhood ever really had anybody to protect, nurture, and love him. They explained how his biological father denied over the phone that he was his father. They told a heart-wrenching story of how my father’s stepfather had once thrown a glass baby bottle, of all things, at my father’s face, causing a cut. It also caused hate.

My Aunt Ginny gently pleaded with me to be gracious, forgiving, and understanding with my father. She said that he could not be a father because he had never had one. She said that he always wanted just one thing-to be left alone. His need for that has not changed. They told me that no family was really close. They also said that my father had loved my mother with all his heart (at least as much as he was capable).

It was a wonderful trip. I got what I was looking for. It is interesting how issues and themes reoccur in families. I had always been very comfortable with Appalachian folk. It turns out that I’m one of them. I learned a fun new word-“youins”. I was inspired to learn that my long lost relatives had been praying for us all these years, and that we shared a common faith. Mainly, I gained a peace within myself from the trip. At long last I was able to forgive my father. As a result, I am sensing a greater connection with and neediness for closeness with my three kids. A large chunk of my father abandonment wounds were worked through by connecting with about the only part of him that was available to me: his, I mean MY, family.

Are there any broken branches in your family tree? We are who we came from. In the classic book focusing on how one generation impacted the next-Roots-when Kunta Kinte observed all the slaves around him who had completely lost their African sense of identity, he vowed within himself that he would never let his descendants forget who they were nor what family and tribe they had come from. I hope that my words might stir you to look deeply within. There is a little kid in all of us who needed a daddy. What kind of legacy are you leaving as fathers, men? Your children need you desperately. Our actions reverberate through generations. If you had some things come up for you concerning dad issues that you need to explore, give us a call. Let’s talk.

Mark Smith, LCSW 317-507-8866 marksmith@familytreecounseling.com

myths about divorce

Common Divorce Myths and Problems

Divorce Is Not Your Best Option


MYTH #1: I am a victim of my spouse’s behavior.


MYTH #2: I’m not happy with my wife.


People Can Change with Direction



Mark Smith, LCSW 317-507-8866 marksmith@familytreecounseling.com

Managing Your Abandonment Issues

Chapter 6 Of Managing Abandonment Issues Through Recovery

Okay, there’s a pattern here. My juiciest examples of abandonment issue destruction thus far have all been men. Trust me when I tell you that women can be world-class experts in abandonment acting out, as well!

Let’s talk about Joe, 37, an entrepreneur, and Marlene, 35, a manager in state government. They, too, understood the importance of working hard in therapy before the wedding. The chemistry between Joe and Marlene was unusually strong, which turned out to be both good and bad. When the initial intensity or enmeshment is off the charts, then both partners are little on the inside, and both have abandonment issues. Marlene’s abandonment issues were particularly nasty. If Joe was 10 minutes late to an event, Marlene was known to get highly reactive and ruin the event for all concerned. She’d humiliated Joe in front of his kids and his family many times. Abandonment issues don’t have to necessarily deal with massive actual abandonments such as affairs. Most often, they’re tiny, almost imperceptible distancings that seem huge to the partner who suffers from abandonment.

Marlene was wickedly jealous of Joe’s relationship with his two kids from his previous marriage. She competed for Joe’s attention like a third child. Joe and Marlene had horrible, ugly, reactive fights. They brought the evil out in each other.

Marlene was teachable, though. She was a real trouper; she came to couple’s sessions every other week and to group weekly for three years. When her abandonment issues were activated, Marlene acted like a spoiled two-year-old who had just had her favorite toy snatched out of her hands. Her anger, rage, and meanness caused a lot of damage in her relationship with Joe and his kids. Joe had grown up with self-centered, abandoning parents, so he was used to not truly being seen, heard, or valued.

Joe and Marlene were able to hammer out a workable relationship. While it was workable, it was punctuated by windows of heaven and more windows of hell. It was grueling work. There was little bliss and many dark moments. Marlene had two children of her own, and the marriage hung in due to the constraints of Marlene’s “no divorce” Catholic family, the couple’s strenuous work in therapy, Mike’s determination to not be twice divorced, and the deep, primitive bond between the little people inside the big reactive people.

Joe and Marlene called me their “angel.” I don’t get called that often. (I sometimes get called another word that starts with “A” when I strongly confront folks who aren’t used to being confronted.) I got called something in group last week that I can’t repeat here. My ability to name the abandonment and break it down like a football play on the whiteboard each session gave them both the insight to step back and more objectively relate to each other. The therapy room was a safe place. It could contain and tame the fire-breathing dragon. It helped cooler heads prevail. A week before the wedding, Mike asked me with fear and trembling in his voice if he was doing the right thing. There was a beaten, sad look in his eyes. He knew what he was getting into; it wasn’t going to be easy. I said yes, I thought it was the right thing for him, and it was.

Joe’s psychological heritage had made it so that this was about as good as it got for him. For him, marriage meant a great deal of suffering. It was also that way in his first marriage, and it’ll be that way if he divorces Marlene and then remarries. It’s his way of being in relationships. “There are no victims in marriage,” I hammered away at him each and every week. I’m sorry if you’re looking for a victory-dancing story that ends in bliss and eternal happiness—that’s not in the cards for you. You’re too little on the inside. I know this because of who you married. We always pick someone equally as unhealthy and undifferentiated as we are. Having insight, some stability, frequent apologies and forgiveness, and staying married while still having fierce chemistry is about as good as it gets.

After seeing a portion of this book discussed in my weekly blog, Joe dropped me an email and suggested that we meet for lunch. When we got together I discovered that Joe and Marlene are still married, they’re still in therapy, and they’re still experiencing windows of heaven and windows of hell. They’d been separated, but through recovery, hard work, and a great deal of determination, they’re back together, and the marriage looks like it might have the stuff to make it to the finish line.

Life is hard. If your childhood had been healthier, then your marital and love destiny would be more attractive and pleasant. The bad news is that you will only be attracted to someone who basically has the very worst (disguised) qualities of your abandoning parents. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. At your core, you’re utterly and completely terrified that your spouse will abandon you, then they eventually do in some way, shape, or form because it is their nature to do so; then you spend the rest of the relationship unintentionally but quite obnoxiously chasing them away due to your out-of-control insecurities. It’s a vicious circle that can easily continue to replay until it completely destroys the relationship. It is what it is. A tamer dragon is still a dragon.

Overall, life is good for Joe. He’d marry Marlene all over again. That decision isn’t a slam dunk but more of a coin flip, but I believe he’d do it. When it’s good, it’s great, but when it is bad, it’s a freaking nightmare. Not everyone is created equal. When you have extremely reactive and/or extremely abandoning parents, then life and particularly relationships are a lot more difficult! If you were severely abandoned as a child, then a great deal of volatility and pain will be your cross to bear in this life. Anyone who tells you differently is selling you a bill of goods.

Nature will always attempt to heal, and in relationships, that means that you’ll be strongly attracted only to people who have the very same psychological DNA as your parents. Plan on it. There IS NO perfect special someone out there who will love you in the way you deserve to be loved. That’s a myth–a fairy tale. If you subscribe to it and build your love life on it, you’re most certainly in for a major ass kicking emotionally. There are only people out there who know your particular crazy dance very well. They are your people. You’ll date, fall in love with, and marry one of those. I wish it weren’t so, but it is. With insight and hard work on your own recovery process, you can have a workable marriage—one that’s light-years safer than when the abandonment issues ran wild, without consequences or understanding. That growth is worth the hard work.

Mark Smith, LCSW 317-507-8866 marksmith@familytreecounseling.com


The Chief Reason Why Marriage Is Rarely A Success Is That It Is Contracted While The Partners Are Insane.” ~Joseph Collins

“The chief reason why marriage is rarely a success is that it is contracted while the partners are insane.” ~Joseph Collins

Ha! That is the truth! Love is so easy and wonderful in the beginning. It is sweet, intense, magical, addictive, and yes, maybe a little insanely attached at times. The theorist that I base much of my work on is Murray Bowen, a family systems pioneer. He developed the use of a genogram or a family tree as an assessment tool. He would call the wonderfully delicious early stage in a relationship “enmeshment”. During enmeshment two hearts are bonded at a very deep, primal level. Enmeshment is what all the songs on the radio are about. It is like being stoned on love. Brain chemistry actually changes during the enmeshment stage. At this point in a feedback session I would draw two intersecting circles on the board.

During the enmeshment stage of a relationship two people who otherwise do not have the relationship skills to be intimate can actually be amazingly intimate with very little sense of having to work at it. They can stay up just talking all night long. You must spend every spare second with your wonderful new lover. They are your soul mate. Your heart aches when you aren’t with them. The only teensy problem with enmeshment is that it has a short shelf life. Most couples only get between 2 and 7 years of enmeshment. Some highly reactive conflictual couples get less than that. Very few couples are able to keep their enmeshment fresh for more than 7 years. You’ve heard of the 7 year itch? Couples frequently become disenchanted after the magic has worn off. During the addictive thrill of new love we can all skate free and easy for a while – it just never lasts.

Almost all relationships begin as enmeshment. Those that do will always eventually move to the next stage called “Emotional Cutoff”, another Bowen family systems term. Emotional cutoff looks like this – Illustration #2. The magic is gone and it feels like you are living with a stranger. You have stopped talking and you have for the most part stopped making love. Unresolved conflicts have risen like an invisible wall between you. An unknown poet described this wall with great eloquence in their poem “The Wall”.

                                  The Wall

Their wedding picture mocked them from the table

these two whose lives no longer touched each other.

They loved with such a heavy barricade between them

that neither battering rams of words

nor artilleries of touch could break it down.

Somewhere between the oldest child’s first tooth

and youngest daughter’s graduation

they lost each other.

Throughout the years each slowly unraveled

that tangled ball of string called self

and as they tugged at stubborn knots

each hid their searching from the other.

Sometimes she cried at night and begged

the whispering darkness to tell her who she was

while he lay beside her snoring like a

hibernating bear unaware of her winter.

Once after that had made love he wanted to tell her

how afraid he was of dying

but fearing to show his naked soul he spoke instead

about the beauty of her breasts.

She took a course in modern art trying to find herself.

In colors splashed upon a canvas

and complaining to other women about men

who were insensitive.

He climbed into a tomb called the office

wrapped his mind in a shroud of paper figures

and buried himself in customers.

Slowly the wall between them rose cemented

by the mortar of indifference.

One day reaching out to touch each other

they found a barrier they could not penetrate

and recoiling from the coldness of the stone

each retreated from the stranger on the other side.


nor when fiery bodies lose their heat.

It lies panting exhausted expiring

at the bottom of a wall it could not scale.

You do love each other with a sort of distant fondness. Your marriage has been a good one for the most part. However, as the years click by, you are keenly aware that something vital is missing – the spark, the passion, and the intensity that was there so powerfully in the beginning. As Valentine’s Day rolls around, you squirm in the card aisle trying to find that cute non-intimate awkward and obligatory card – yawn. You also find yourself attracted to one of your co-workers – just an innocent flirtation, you tell yourself. You make love maybe once a month – twice on a good month, but even that isn’t nearly what it used to be. You don’t miss each other when you are apart; it used to kill you to not be together. You rarely hold hands; you vacation separately more and more frequently, you rarely look at each other deeply in the eyes, and your sexual fantasies are not about your spouse more often then not. You are bored. It is the extremely rare marriage that does not eventually veer into the sluggish misconnection of emotional cutoff due to all the competing pressures of kids, work, bills, TV, the Internet, stress, etc. Marriages are like houses and cars; if you don’t maintain them properly and frequently, they WILL break down and fall down around you. They can be more complicated to repair then a house or a car, though.

As you might guess, it is during the Emotional Cutoff stage that we see couples in therapy. They do not want to go through the pain, hassle, expense and embarrassment of a divorce. They want to stay together and work it out for the kids. They love each other; they just aren’t in love with each other in the same way that they used to be. When a marriage is cut off emotionally both parties are at great risk of having an affair. While there are several different types of affairs, by far the most prevalent is the lonely Emotionally Cutoff spouse who was didn’t realize that they were even capable of cheating upon their spouse until they did it. They were not looking for an affair but they were extremely vulnerable.

The third and healthiest relationship stage is called
“Interdependence”. It is mature love. Anne Taylor Fleming described Interdependence beautifully when she said “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.” That kind of shared individuality is very difficult to pull off. It requires two healthy assertive individuals with high self-esteem who can engage in conflict and compromise in a direct and non-reactive manner. It is quite rare. Both parties are capable of compromising without compromising themselves. If I were to draw it Interdependence would look like this – (Illustration #3). An Interdependent marriage has the legs to go the distance. While it may not have the intensity of an Enmeshed relationship, it is much sturdier. My definition of a healthy happy Interdependent spouse is someone who #1 is keenly in touch with their most important emotional needs, who #2 have a strong, firm, pleasant, non-reactive voice which they use to ask, request and otherwise beseech that their needs be met, and who #3 have trained their loving spouse to ably and willingly meet those needs. Unfortunately such couples are few and far between. I believe that affairs almost never occur in Interdependent marriages. If you were to be completely honest with yourself I think that you would agree with me when I suggest that your marriage was fairly cutoff emotionally before your spouse had their affair.

Mark Smith, LCSW 317-507-8866 marksmith@familytreecounseling.com

a broken man

Broken Man Abandonment Pain

I just finished listening to the biography on Steve Jobs. His amazing story confirms every single theory in my evolving E-book on Abandonment. Jobs was abandoned by his biological parents. Graduate students Abdulfattah John Jandali, a Syrian and Joanne Simpson reluctantly gave their son up for adoption. Jobs met his biological father just once, accidentally at a popular Silicon Valley restaurant his father managed. Neither knew that they were biological father and son. Jobs did connect with his biological mother later in life. While he proclaimed that he grew up feeling chosen by his adoptive parents rather than feeling abandoned by his biological parents, this early abandonment was no doubt the most impactful experience of his whole life. Patterns repeat from one generation to the next. Sometimes these patterns are spooky in how they play out. When Jobs was 23 years old he abandoned his own out of wedlock child. Care to hazard a guess how old his biological father was when he skipped out? Yep, exactly 23. Weird, huh? That type of ‘coincidence’ is very common in family systems. I loved the book on Jobs. He was a once in a generation unforgettable character. He had more issues than most of us by a long shot. He could be rigid, perfectionistic, blunt, rude, insensitive, controlling, superior, denying of reality, disloyal, abandoning, untruthful, irreverent, manipulative, abrasive, self sabotaging, abusive, petulant and childish. His behavior ultimately got him tossed out of his own company for 11 years! You have to be a pretty big jerk to get tossed from a company that you brilliantly birthed. I believe that many of these dysfunctional attributes were rooted in his deep sense of abandonment. Jobs could also be courageous, creative, bold, visionary, uncompromising, wise, a step you ahead, prophetic, talented, intuitive, colorful and the greatest corporate leader of our generation. If you suffer from Abandonment issues know that you aren’t a freak. You you not mentally ill. You are in good company. We all have more than our fair share of issues. We are all a little crazy. If life gives you lemons then you a great opportunity to make some really awesome lemonade. It was because of Steve Jobs’ deep woundedness that he became an iconic figure who changed the world, not in spite of it.

Through the years I have had the following client many times over…male, 35 to 56, strong personalities, know it alls, alpha males, very successful financially, controlling, arrogant, commanding, intelligent, highly independent, workaholic, oblivious, self absorbed and resistive of therapy. You know the type. What distinguished these guys is that they all had severe abandonment issues hidden underneath their impressive, to that point bullet proof psychological defenses. However, as soon as their wives bring up the very real possibility that they might want to go through life without their Mr. Know It All he is completely and utterly shattered.

He becomes a desperately needy little boy who all of a sudden can’t seem to stay away from the therapy office. They have a difficult time sleeping, they can’t focus to work much, they cry a lot, they even might ruminate about not knowing if they want to continue living. All this stuff is the polar opposite of who they have always been. It shocks and scares them. They didn’t know that their was a desperately needy and insecure little boy at their core. When this guy comes in the first order of business is to get them out of crisis. I assess for suicide, I refer for medication, get them involved in a supportive therapy group, get them reading materials about Abandonment and Countdependency and assure them that what they are going through is normal and actually good for them and their families and that they will get through it. I usually see this guy three times a week for the first month or so. His whole life ha been turned upside down and he needs a lot of answers and reassurance. His poor wife doesn’t know what to think. In a way she liked him better when he was Superman and God Himself rolled into one. She doesn’t know what to do with this broken, needy, somewhat pathetic fellow who has now taken possession of her husband’s body. I assure them as well that it is a good thing and that they will locate a man who is neither extreme who will learn to see them, hear them, take good care of them while still being a leader and a strong man they can respect. One such fellow referred to his sad, needy little boy as “that little f#*king son of a b#%€h”. At times they blame me as if I had the power to reduce them to a wounded 4 year old in a handful of sessions. They are always asking me for a plan or some tools or a time table for results. When I tell them that the Recovery Process doesn’t really include any of those things but rather lots of crying, brokenness, humility, apologies, amends, therapy sessions, giving up power and sharing feelings they usually begin cussing me! They are terrified that they are going to lose their superpowers of working like a machine, being able to fix anything, always being in control, knowing no fear, being able to inspire their followers and generally being the Man. They have hidden their feelings, needs and weaknesses from long before they can remember. They believe the complete myth that through their superior intellect, education, iron will and drive that they have over cone the legacy of brokenness bestowed upon them by their parents. What they didn’t know was that time and marriage are actually designed my Mother Nature to break down psychological defenses so that the wounded little boy underneath can come out and heal, cry and play.

My own therapist (Yes, I still go. Don’t even think about seeing a therapist who doesn’t), a grizzled addictions specialist in Indianapolis named Rick Gustafson, has taught me the concept of ‘Right Sizing’ as a man. Right sizing is no longer aspiring or needing to be Superman but rather just being a normal human being. It also means not feeling overwhelming shame and sad little boy pain when things majorly don’t go your way. It is having human standards of performance rather than unrealistic and perfectionistic standards. Remember the character ‘Hawkeye’ played by Alan Alda in the 70’s TV show MASH? Okay, many of you are too young to have watched the show but I’m sure that you know who I mean. Hawkeye had an unrealistic belief in his ability to defeat death itself. He refused to “let the bastard (death) win”. The problem with that kind of thinking is that ultimately the bastard always wins. Ultimately we all fail and fall short. Many men struggle with experiencing failure. They have had little experience with it. They were high school football stars, they made great grades in college, they married the woman of their dreams and they climbed up the corporate ladder like it was an Olympic event. They’ve been absolutely killing it their entire lives. Having their marriage crumble apart is the first thing in their lives that they are just not able to fix. Then this crazy infantile pain comes up out of nowhere and they begin to think that maybe they are losing their minds. They have never before felt so much emotional pain. It is vital that they learn about their Abandonment issues. It explains exactly what they are going through. It can give them direction and hope. The way to get over their pain is actually to embrace it and go right through it. They can’t bury it behind their now matured and healthier psychological defenses anymore. While most of these hurting men make progress as they regain the respect of their wives and families, build a healthier work style and learn to be vulnerable human beings, some of them don’t fair well at all. For some of them the pain is just too great and they just give up, turning to their favorite addictions, self destructing, dropping out of therapy, playing the victim role, nursing bitter wounds, walking away from their marriage and some even taking their own lives. I don’t judge these men, I just hurt for them. An arrogant version of this kind of melt down of a man is being brilliantly executed these days by Mr. Charlie Sheen. Don’t be that guy. Embrace your deep pain with humility and grace. Right size yourself. You aren’t falling apart, you are being given the opportunity to see more reality and to learn to have some empathy. It’s all good.

Mark Smith, LCSW 317-507-8866 marksmith@familytreecounseling.com

Addictive relationships

Addictive Blind ‘Love’ Verses Healthy Interdependent Love

“Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind.” James Graham.

This posting is not just for single people trying to figure out the whole love and dating thing. It is for anyone who has ever been in love, anyone who is in love and anyone who aspires to someday be in love. That includes almost all of us I would think. I am going to contrast and compare 12 characteristics of blind, addictive, enmeshed romantic love verses healthy, mature, interdependent, eyes wide open love. I am offering a paradigm shift here. The list will give you feedback and direction to help you recognize, locate, build, solidify and protect a healthier brand of romantic love.

  1. Who Is My Beloved? – Addictive romantic love is the norm. It is how almost everyone falls into love. The new lover is idealized as a special, one of a kind, magical being who has the ability to bestow genuine, unlimited, unconditional, sexually hot love on their fortunate new partner. They are ‘the one’ that we have been waiting for all of our lives. Healthy love doesn’t idealize much at all. They see who their new lover really is. They see flaws, dysfunction, challenges, brokenness and beauty. Healthy love knows that marital matches are based on attraction to people who are psychological clones of our parents. There isn’t much to idealize in that! Addictive love feels bliss but they are actually in great danger. Healthy love recognizes the danger then deals with it directly.
  2. Time – Addictive love believes in love at first sight. Addictive love will get you smitten, engaged, married and pregnant in less than a year, or 6 months or less! That is insane! Healthy love is in no hurry. Healthy love would never ever consider marrying without a minimum of at least 3 years of hard work in therapy together hashing out the painful, real life issues that are clearly seen and then embraced.
  3. Brain Chemistry – Addictive love gets you so stoned that your brain chemistry actually changes. A chemical called ‘phenylethylamine’ is a naturally occurring trace ammine in the brain that floods the brain when you ‘fall in love’. Phenylethylamine is a natural amphetamine that will energize and dope you up when you have contact with your new love object. Healthy love has some brain chemistry alternations, but not many. Your heart goes pitter-pat but your brain stays awake, sharp and uncompromised.
  4. God’s Will – God gets blamed for putting together a lot of romantic deals that He had nothing to do with. I heard of one fellow recently who pronounced that his 2 week old Match.com based relationship was “God’s Will”. God doesn’t work that way. God isn’t stupid. He builds things the right way. Couple’s in healthy relationships slowly and humbly seek to ascertain God’s direction. They only claim the direction of God after years of hard work, confirmation from all around them and with great fear and trembling.
  5. Confidence Entering Into Marriage – Addictive relationships know no fear. They know for a fact that their chosen one is The Chosen One. Getting a divorce is unthinkable. The naive people in these relationships don’t know who they are, they don’t know who they are marrying and they don’t know how much work marriage is. Couples who have put the time and work into building a healthy relationship enter into marriage with a well founded confidence that is based in reality. However, they know that if they don’t continue to work hard on themselves and the marriage that things absolutely could still go south. They respect the complexity and the challenges of keeping the relationship on track.
  6. Feedback – People high on addictive love don’t look for feedback about their relationship. If you give them any feedback then they get defensive and angry. Their happy little world can’t bother to be cluttered with the truth. Careful, wise builders of healthy relationships seek feedback from their friends, their family, their therapist and their therapy groups before proceeding into the hallowed grounds of marriage. It takes a village to raise a healthy marriage. Anyone who can slow you down and help you to realistically look at the issues is your best friend.
  7. The Work Needed To Make It Work – Addictive love is easy. People in the clutches of addictive love think that love should be easy if it is right. If it gets hard they frequently hit the road. Most people do very little work on themselves or their relationship before they get married. They wait until 15 years after the wedding, when the marriage is hanging by the thinnest of threads before seeking the help they need. The best time to do marital work is the three years before you get married, not after your marriage is shattered and on the verge of destruction. It takes a long time and a great deal of effective work to build a true marriage.
  8. Blending The Family – Addictive love couples believe in ‘The Brady Bunch’. There is no real life Brady Bunch! They believe that since they have so much love for each other that all things can be worked out with the kids. They believe this to their ultimate total and utter demise! Building a healthy blended family is about as difficult as what the Egyptians went through in building the pyramids! Instead of 3 years of hard work in therapy before marriage, if there are kids involved, plan for 5 years! I have never once in my life met anyone who has blended a family well. It is a huge undertaking and yet it is tackled as if it is nothing at all.
  9. Expectations Of Happiness The addictive majority expect to be really happy in their marriages. They are very disappointed when their marriages turn out to be miserable. The truth is that they are too dysfunctional and that they are too wounded from their childhoods to ever expect to have a healthy marriage. Is it arrogant to quote yourself? I hope not. In my Blog last week ‘A Healthy Marriage Probably Just Isn’t In The Cards For You’ I wrote “A more realistic goal is a workable marriage that is fairly fulfilling but has some hellish and some boring moments intermixed. That, my friends, is about as good as it gets!” That is a great quote. Workable is very good. Shoot for workable and realistically somewhat dysfunctional.
  10. The End Results – The majority of marriages ultimately become train wrecks or boring disconnected matches destined to become train wrecks some day. People you once loved dearly become just people you used to know. If you slowly build a healthy self in the context of a healthy relationship then you will be rewarded with a workable, relatively safe relationship that does not ever end up as a train wreck.
  11. Responsibility For The Issues – When things do go to hell in a hand basket one party frequently seeks the high moral ground and blames the bad actor for having an affair or becoming a workaholic or never wanting to have sex or not making enough money or yelling too much. The true measure of responsibility in a relationship is always 50%-50%. Buyer beware. If you rush into an ill advised marriage with your eyes shut then you do deserve whatever you have arranged for yourself. There are never any victims and never any bad guys in marriage.
  12. Maintenance Plan – Going into an addictive love marriage few resources are set aside for marital enrichment or maintenance. They think their love is so rich and special that it doesn’t need an occasional shot in the arm. In a healthy relationship couples know that they need help from time to time. They go back into therapy whenever they need to, they go to couple’s retreats, they get away for trips without the kids, they continue to work on themselves individually and they protect their fragile relationship at all costs. When they hear of a divorcing couple they think “but for the grace of God and the help of a good therapist go we too”. They know that they have to continue to work hard because they are still unhealthy enough to get themselves into some real trouble.

Mark Smith, LCSW 317-507-8866 marksmith@familytreecounseling.com

dysfunctional family driving you crazy?

Are Family Gatherings Driving You Crazy?

Can you believe that Thanksgiving is already over? So, how did all that wonderful, special Thanksgiving extended family bonding time go for you and yours? Not so perfect? Are there some wacky things that go down in your family system? We have more than our fair share of nuts in our family tree, believe me! Can you play with it a bit, or does it really get under your skin? I used to have a little cartoon that I would post about this time every year. It showed a stressed out lady bouncing off the walls at a family gathering and it read ‘Understand that just one visit home for the holidays can ruin a whole year of therapy.’ It is funny, but I really don’t believe that. Actually, if you want to grow as a person and advance in your therapy, one of the best things that you can do is go hang out with the whole loony ‘fam-damnaliy’.

Something that I have always said to my clients is ‘never underestimate the power of a gathered family.’ When you get in the not so friendly confines of your family of origin you might shrink down into a little kid and start acting powerless, reactive and completely unlike yourself. You are probably locked in a prescribed family role – the funny one, the successful one, the crazy one, the one nobody takes seriously?

For those of you who were in your 30’s in the 80’s, you probably watched one of my favorite shows of all time, ‘ThirtySomething’. In one of the scenes Melissa shrank in to a little girl in a frilly dress licking a lolly-pop as her controlling father lectured her. She was transported back in time to a place of powerlessness even though she was an established adult.

That can happen. Regressing into old, unhealthy, childish behavior triggered by family dynamics more powerful than I has happened to me many, many times, in spite of all my therapy, knowledge and good intentions. It is all good though. Even if you do get into a painful interchange with a member of your family it can encourage a lot of growth and healing on your part. If you can learn to be real, assertive and non-reactive with your family of origin then you can do it with anybody in your life. The gains that you make in individuating yourself in your family of origin can actually pay off in your marriage.

As Christmas approaches here are some survival tips to prepare you for another lovely dose of family togetherness…

  1. Recognize the danger that you face and protect yourself at all costs. What buttons does your family have the unique ability to push in you? If you see it coming you have a much better chance of putting yourself in harms way. Put your armor on before you enter a room filled with highly charged family connections.

Do you mother’s subtle put downs want to make you lose it? Does your dad’s favoritism make you sick to your stomach? Does your sister’s craziness threaten to ruin the holiday spirit? I had a sister pass on Thanksgiving this year due to a toxic relationship with another sister. It was a healthy choice for her. Do what you need to do. You aren’t required by law to conform to your family’s agenda.

  1. If you need to, gain a home field advantage. Last holiday season was a little scary for me as the previous year I had had some embarrassingly reactive moments. I made it safer for myself last year by hosting events. It was more work but I did feel safer and more in control on my home turf.
  2. Have solid boundaries but maintain some balance, humor and flexibility. Hanging with family is going to be a bit uncomfortable at times. Focus on a little good family connections even if they come with a price to your comfort level at times. This Thanksgiving I was thankful for a rare chance to connect with my older brother, for more than my fair share of good cards in our double deck bid euchre battles, for quality time with my awesome kids including a P90X session with them and for some great food. I did suffer through some obnoxious behavior but overall it was a good time.

Inspite of your family’s particular form of holiday craziness I want to encourage you to embrace and be thankful for your family. They are your people. You can learn so much about yourself by being around them. Not everybody has family, so treasure them while you can. And a merry dysfunctional Christmas to you and yours!

anyone can fall into an affair

Anyone Can Fall into a Destructive Affair


  2. They frequently get to face the fierce legal representatives of their rejected spouses whose sole purpose is to extract of pound of flesh as well as more than half of everything that you own.
  3. Many times couple’s friends side with the cheated upon spouse, leaving the cheater feeling socially isolated.
  5. If they are the husband, they get to move into a small apartment and they get to see the kids every other weekend or if they are the wife they have to go back to work and they still might have to sell the house.

Given that the price tag so incredibly high, it begs the question – why are affairs engaged at in such an alarming rate? Why to do nice, caring, thoughtful and otherwise quite loving people get involved in behavior that ultimately is exposed for being immature, selfish, destructive and even down right cruel? There are reasons why people do what people do. None of my comments are meant to excuse the unfaithful partner, but rather to make some sense out of behavior that many times just seems so completely shocking and out of character for that individual.

People truly are needy creatures. If our marriages aren’t meeting our needs, we will instinctively seek to get our needs met elsewhere. There are many directions we can go to overcompensate if our spouse isn’t meeting our needs – we could over invest emotionally in our children (which is ultimately harmful to them), we could draw a little more self esteem from over working, we can become best friends with a parent or a friend or we can attempt to lose ourselves in a new hobby. The classic beginning to an affair is the innocent lunch meeting that opens the door to some emotionally intimacy – usually some sharing related to the distant and unfulfilling marriage. Emotional intimacy leads to sexual intimacy. If you are literally starving for attention, admiration, romance, magic and touch then your behavior might even shock yourself as you find yourself entangled in something powerful and out of control that you never ever would have dreamed of starting.

A growing number of marital affairs have at its root cause relationship and or sexual addictions. Relationship and sexual addicts are so caught up in their fantasies and their sexual acting out that they have long sense lost the ability to experience true love and true intimacy from which qualities such as loyalty, fidelity and appropriate sexual boundaries flow. While the subject of sexual addiction is beyond the scope of this article, you can read more about in Patrick Carnes’ book ‘Beyond the Shadows’.

Is a marriage doomed if an affair occurs? Fortunately, the answer is absolutely not. Any chance of reconciliation the illicit relationship has to be completely severed. Both partners need to fully own their 50% of responsibility for the distance and emotional cutoff which lead to the affair and for both partners to get into a recovery program for all of their unresolved issues which have their roots in childhood. When both partners humbly work together in their quest to learn and heal, they can eventually forgive one another and then build a truly satisfying, intimate and life-long lasting relationship.


Mark Smith, LCSW 317-507-8866 marksmith@familytreecounseling.com