The 12 Patterns of the Holidays

This time of year is filled with holidays across several cultures.  One thing that many cultures have in common is:

holidays = food; family; fellowship/friendshipDSC_0992

With these gatherings comes a wonderful opportunity to teach our children many things, such as social skills, family traditions, following directions, responsibility, etc.  Food preparation is often the hub of such experiences.  Where there is food…. there are people.

If you have a school-aged child, you know all about patterns.  A fantastic way to integrate learning patterns into family fun time is to make kabobs.  Kabobs are a versatile entertaining finger food because there so many options to make them appealing, without excessive utensils.  They also allow for little fingers to help with the food preparations.

Here are 12 ways that you can integrate these traditions with some positive mental health skills building:

Kabob Pattern Core
Apple/Blueberry AB (represents Hanukah colors)
Strawberry/Blueberry/Blueberry ABB
Banana/Strawberry/Mini Marshmallow ABC (Santa’s hat)
Strawberry/Strawberry/Strawberry/Blueberry AAAB
Strawberry/Blueberry/Blueberry/Banana ABBC
Yellow Cheese/White Cheese AB
Yellow Cheese/Pepper Jack Cheese/Pepper Jack Cheese ABB
Red Pepper/Orange Pepper/Yellow Pepper ABC
Pepper/Mushroom/Mushroom/Tomato ABBC
Marshmallow/Strawberry AB
Marshmallow/Strawberry/Banana ABC
Strawberry/Pound Cake/Pound Cake ABB

Why should you bother to consider making kabobs in your family?  It is simple.  Food brings people together over non-controversial topics, if you are focused on the food’s preparation.  There are little steps within collaborative food preparation that naturally build strong attachments between family members and strengthen social skills.Santa Hat

When you give instructions to children, you should always look them in the eyes.  This often means you must stoop a little or ask them to look up at you.  Intentional eye contact is one of the key ingredients for healthy attachment, which builds a child’s resilience to life’s ups and downs.  Making good eye contact is also an importance social skill that will benefit your children as they enter adulthood and the workforce.

Another way attachment is strengthened when making a dish such as kabobs is that there is opportunity to collide hands, arms, and shoulders as you reach for the same item.  This is healthy, safe touch which often leads to laughter.  It’s possible to become hyper-focused on the pattern you are making.  When you and another person reach for a strawberry out of the same bowl, your hands run into each other and you are brought back to the awareness of others around you.  This incident also creates an opportunity to practice appropriate social skills.  Saying excuse me.  Negotiating turn taking. Saying thank you.  Problem solving if there is only one strawberry left in the bowl.  The horrors….DSC_1004

Direction following and responsibility may be targeted by how you set up the activity.  One option is to make a sample of what you want and ask your children to copy it.  In order to follow the directions, your children must exercise self-regulation.  Another option is to assign each child with a certain pattern and ask them to make a specific number of kabobs using the designated pattern core.  After a set number are made, switch the pattern core they are responsible for creating.  You could also use full-sized kabab skewers for some patterns and extra long toothpicks for others.  This requires your children to concentrate, forcing eye contact, communication skills, self-regulation, etc.

Happy pattern making!

5 Ways to Help Your Child Master “The Force”

WIN_20171201_07_56_28_ProChildren learn best through play, so when you address really big issues with your children I recommend having an interactive approach to teaching your lesson.  “Jedi training” can be utilized at several points within your child’s development.  It can be used as a foundational teaching for self-control that is proactive in helping your child learn effective life skills.  The training can also be used to help a struggling child learn how to utilize more effective skills.  Finally, it can be used to help teach siblings how to develop effective interpersonal skills.

First, it is important that your child understand who a Jedi is, which I accomplish through a list on a white board.  I ask the children I work with to tell me about the characteristics of a Jedi, and modify language to align with age-appropriateness.  For me, I dress in costume to help the children engage more fully in the activity, and I tell them they must earn their light saber.  That typically gets them to pay attention a little more eagerly if they struggle with attention.

WIN_20171201_08_14_53_ProNext, I utilize yoga poses from the Yoga Pretzel cards to help the children find “the force” within them.  The Yoga Pretzel cards can be used with modified names that reflect Jedi training.  For example, I start with breathing cards and work my way up to more difficult poses.  One of the breathing poses is called elephant breath and requires moving your arms up and down while clasped together to form a trunk.  Instead of a trunk, I ask the children to hold on to their training light saber.  As they swing their arms upward, I tell them they are charging their light saber.  As they swing their arms downward, I tell them they are using their light saber.  Charging the light saber is breathing in and using the light saber is breathing out.

When I get to the more difficult poses that require balance there are often children who become disruptive.  The poses require more concentration which is challenging for most of us.  When disruption happens, I make a statement about how a strong Jedi notices the distractions around them but can remain focused on what is happening with themselves by accessing “the force”.  I reinforce the concept by stating a good Jedi has self-control.  Be sure to explain tWIN_20171201_08_14_29_Prohat this task is hard for everyone, including adults.  Normalizing a struggle gives children hope that they can master it and not feel so isolated in attempts to conquer it.

After the children have been able to master some level of control over their physical bodies they will be ready to focus on control of their emotional and interpersonal functioning.  The first step is for them to identify everything that gets them into trouble or causes them problems at home, school, extra-curricular activities, and other contexts.  Just like when adults solve problems, kids will not know how to get started until the problem is defined.

I use a dragon activity I learned through training from Heartland Play Therapy Institute, so I cannot post the directions here.  You can use whatever dragon template you would like to represent a dragon though.  Pinterest likely has some good ones.  I know they have dragon faces for coloring pages and other purposes. I have the children write out each situation that gets them in trouble on their dragon.  I also have them write what causes them to become angry, anxious, sad, worried, or afraid.  If needed, I recommend reading the book “So You’ve Got Dragons?”.WIN_20171201_08_02_03_Pro

Next, I use a Jedi coloring page, which can be found on Pinterest, to help the children “fight” their dragons.  The children cut out their Jedi and write on the backside all the things they need to fight their dragons.  Mostly this list comprises coping skills.  It is customized to a specific child’s abilities.  What coping skills work for them?

Initially, they are responsible for creating their list.  If they need help learning coping skills, you can help them brainstorm new and effective ways of preventing their feelings from becoming dysregulated.  Instead, they can use their emotions as information to help them make healthy decisions rather than being controlled by them.  This activity helps them become aware of their own ability to solve their problems as well as learning to ask for help.

Now, what would Jedi training be without an epic battle?  Light sabers can be made out of paper towel rolls.  One should be colored red and the other green.  Red is for the Sith Lord.  Green is for the Jedi Master.  The children take turns being either the Sith Lord or the Jedi Master.  Select a dragon.  The Sith Lord tells the dragon all the poor choices to make while the Jedi Master tells the dragon the healthy choices to make.  It is a good role-playing game to help the children think, literally, on their feet about how they should respond when they become upset.  Do not be surprised if the children ask to fight YOU!

May The Force be with you all!



4 Ways Apple Picking Can Calm Your Child and Strengthen Your Bond


Apple picking is a common tradition in the Saint Louis Metropolitan area.  If you have a child with a sensory processing issue or other challenges that interfere with social activities, you might think twice about going to the orchard.  I would like to encourage you to STOP thinking twice!  Instead, I would like to encourage you to rethink how you engage with the activity, rather than removing it from your favorite activities list.  Braving the crowds with a child who has a sensory deficit, processing disorder, behavioral challenges, or emotional regulation difficulties could sound overwhelmingly stressful, or even a little like a nightmare.  With a few modifications, you could turn a trip to the orchard from a situation that depletes your emotional resources to one that benefits all family members.  How?

The first step to enjoying a trip to the orchard might simply be selecting the right orchard for your family.  A large, crowded, commercial orchard may be too much for your child, or even you, to tolerate.  Selecting a smaller, family-owned orchard may add a little extra time to your commute, but it might be that little extra time that saves your sanity.  Starting an activity on a supportive foundation can go a long way toward ensuring a positive experience for everyone involved.  Selecting the right orchard is the foundation for a positive apple picking experience.


Second, I would like for you to consider rethinking your perspective on what an orchard experience can provide for your children and YOU.  Video game research suggests there are benefits to playing video games, including violent games.  This research surprised me since I see adults and children who struggle to separate fantasy from reality, which often causes interpersonal problems or trouble at school.  Most likely the answer to this challenge is not to eliminate video games from our lives.  Instead, it is likely that we need to balance our use of video games with other activities, such as “old fashioned” apple picking.  An essential ingredient for discerning fantasy from reality is grounding.  Visiting an apple orchard, especially a small one, is exactly that type of activity.  Literally.

Apple picking gets you and your children out of the house and onto uneven surfaces that put natural pressure on your joints as you walk out into the orchard or walk between the rows within the orchard.  Natural pressure on our joints is self-regulating.  It helps our bodies know where they are in space, which slows down body movements.  When our body struggles to know where it is in space it moves in fidgeting patterns as it tries to figure out its spatial orientation.  This is why physical education in schools is so important.  Running, jumping, push-ups, pull-ups, human wheel-barrow races, the bear walk, climbing, and orchard walking all put natural pressure on our joints to send signals to our brain about where we are in space.  Our bodies can then slow down our movements once the information is received by our brains.  Let your child jump off the last step of the wagon, jump up to reach that perfect apple, run down the rows, etc.  It’s great for them!  Smaller orchards reduce the risks associated with a child running the way a child is meant to run. Free.DSC_0021

Another way you can help a child ground themselves through an orchard visit is by encouraging them to notice all that their senses are picking up.  As a therapist who works with a lot of clients who are recovering from traumatic life events, my first step is almost always to complete an activity that brings awareness to what the client is experiencing in the therapy room through their senses.  Integrating mind-body connection is the first step in helping my client’s ground themselves and bring regulation to their bodies before processing traumatic events.  If we are going to regulate our bodies in beneficial, healthy ways we must first know what is going on with them.  Bringing awareness to your surroundings through all five senses is a big step toward this goal.


You can help your child improve their mind-body awareness by asking them questions about what they are experiencing while you are in the orchard.  What does the apple smell like?  If the child says the apple smells like an apple then you can ask if it smells like a sweet apple or a tart apple. 

Other examples of questions you could ask are:

  • What color apple do you want? (then look at all the apple colors and talk about differences)
  • Do you feel how lumpy the ground is?
  • Can you see any fun shapes in the clouds?
  • What does the apple-type you are picking taste like?  (Let’s be honest.  Sampling happens.)
  • Can you hear the wind blowing the trees?

You could also use a statement followed by a question to bring awareness to your activities and encourage your child to engage their senses.  This is particularly helpful with younger children who often need modeling of a behavior as a precursor to learning the targeted behavior.  Here are some examples.

  • I feel hot/cold.  What about you?
  • The sun feels warm on my skin.  What about you?
  • The leaf on this tree is darker than the leaf on that tree.  Do you see it?  I wonder why the leaves are different?
  • The sky has some pretty clouds.  Do you see them?  Can you see any fun shapes in the clouds?


DSC_0048The goal of cultivating sensory awareness is to strengthen the positive experiences of the apple orchard and your attachment relationship with your child.  By creating a strong positive experience with your child you are strengthening their feeling of security.  What we know from the research is that a child who feels securely attached to their primary caregivers is more likely to be resilient in the face of difficulties.  Visiting an apple orchard with intention improves your child’s resilience to the challenges that life brings.

Fourth, the attachment and grounding experience of an apple orchard can continue beyond the orchard as well.  Your apple loot can be turned into family activities that build stronger attachment, interpersonal skills, and further the sensory experience.  For example, you could make an apple pie.  Preparing an apple pie from scratch is a good way to bond with your child through a tradition that focuses on your relationship rather than digital or material possessions.  And, making an apple pie sounds harder that the reality of making it.

DSC_0057Talk about EVERYTHING you are doing.  Notice EVERYTHING you are doing.  You accomplish this through explicitly talking about each step, including noticing how sharp the knife you are peeling the apple with is followed by a safety instruction.  For example:

Wow!  This knife is really sharp.  Sharp knives are for adults only, so I will cut the apples.  Why don’t you stir the apples and sugar with a spoon.DSC_0060

Then, talk about how it feels to stir the apples.  Is it difficult because the apples are an odd shape for stirring?

It is also best to make the dough from scratch for this particular activity.  It is easy!  You mix butter and flour together until it crumbles.  The best way to make a pie crust is to use your hands to rub the butter and flour together, so let your child do this part!  Don’t forget a pinch of salt.  Next, you add ice cold water to the mixture until you get the texture of dough.  You can talk with your child about the feeling of the dough, particularly how stretchy it is as you roll it out and try to place it in the pie plate.


To round out this activity, be sure to talk about how the pie smells while it is baking in the oven. Have a taste test together while sitting around the table sharing your favorite parts of the experience.  The activity will be messy, though it can be cleaned up.  The memories will last forever.



Orchards in Missouri to Consider: (smaller version of a commercial orchard and family owned) (small family owned orchard without additional activities for kids)

5 Ways to Help Your Child Understand Personal Space Boundaries

WIN_20170605_22_20_37_ProIf you have a school-aged child, there is a good chance your child has already read the book “Personal Space Camp” by Julia Cook.  Stories are a wonderful way to educate children about behaviors, character traits, and skills we would like them to learn.  Children often need the addition of hands-on or experiential activities to solidify the message the book communicates.  To help address the topic of personal space I have compiled several activities that present the same message in diverse ways.  The best foundation for teaching personal space is to start with a story like the one by Julia Cook.  Reading is also an activity that helps calm children down and can assist them in regaining self-regulation.  Many of my activities will connect to the story of the “Personal Space Camp” book as well.

First, I start with an activity that develops the concept of space.  Before you get started you will need to select a filler item.  Typically, I use rice since you can buy it in larger quantities at the dollar store at a lower cost.  You could also use beads, beans, cheerios, poly beads (stuffed animal filling), poms, or whatever inexpensive item comes to mind.  If you want inexpensive yet creative options just browse the dollar store and see what catches your eye.

Next, I select a variety of containers that are the same and different.  Initially, I prefer to use nesting dolls.  You can purchase an unpainted set rather inexpensively and after you complete the activity you can let your child(ren) pick one that represents them and decorate it.  Wait until the end of the activity to decorate them though.  Also look for other items that are the same and different such as boxes.  I usually use some unpainted wooden boxes I picked up at a craft store though you could likely find less expensive options if you shopped around.  I like to use unmarked items to drive the point home about personal space without distractions.  If the items look the same on the outside the size characteristic is isolated.  Full attention is on the topic you are addressing, which is often difficult for kids with personal space struggles.

After I have selected my filler objects, I begin by asking the child(ren) to describe what they notice about the nesting dolls.  Be okay with the silence and give them a few minutes to pick them up and observe them.  If they do not draw the conclusion themselves, I point out that the dolls all have the same shape and basically look the same on the outside.  I point out that we all have bodies that basically look the same too.  We all have one head, two arms, too legs, a torso, etc. If you have children with medical situations where this is not true you will probably want to avoid this part of the exercise.  Next, I ask them to guess how much rice they think each nesting doll will hold.  Only fill the bottom half of the nesting doll with rice.  Then, I have them look at the nesting dolls filled with rice and ask them to tell me which they think holds more.  If you have several cups the same size, then pour the rice from each doll into a corresponding cup.  It is best if the cup is transparent though it does not have to be the case for this activity to be successful.  Ask them to mark the rice level on the outside if the cup if not transparent.  Do not separate the doll from its rice cup. Talk with your child about how each of the dolls takes up a different amount of space.  Each of us needs a certain amount of space for our bodies.  We also need a certain amount of space for our bodies to be comfortable and everyone’s need for personal space is different just like some people like fruit snacks but others like chips.  Connecting personal space to something more tangible helps bring grounding to this complex topic.

Repeat most of the activity with the nesting dolls with other containers, such as the boxes mentioned above.  Get creative with your containers if you can and your child is grasping the concept.  The goal is to increase the complexity of the teaching with each container exercise if you can.  If your child gains a significant understanding of this concept then slowly move toward items that are not identical in anyway and talk about the difference in the space these items take up.


The second activity requires hula hoops.  You can purchase two sizes of hula hoops at the dollar store.  If you have multiple children or can invite friends over, this activity works best.  Have one child select a hula hoop, then ask them how it feels to be in the hula hoop.  Add additional children to the hula hoop and continue to ask how it feels to be in the hula hoop.  Stop once you have reached the maximum capacity of the hula hoop. Ask the children to walk around.  Repeat with the second hula hoop.  Talk about how you can fit fewer people into the smaller hula hoop before it becomes uncomfortable.  This is where the lesson can get a little confusing depending on the age of your child.  Talk with the children about how people with a smaller personal space bubble can fit more people into their personal space before becoming uncomfortable, but those with a larger personal space become uncomfortable with fewer people in their personal space.  The fact that the hula hoops are the opposite size to the concept you are teaching is what can make the lesson a bit confusing for younger children.  Skip this if your child is not ready.  Instead, talk with younger children about being cramped and uncomfortable when too many people are close to you and that how many people make someone uncomfortable is different.  They should always ask someone if they are uncomfortable. 

You can also talk about some of the behaviors they might see if someone’s personal space bubble has been invaded: cranky, trying to play by themselves, not wanting to share, etc.  I also have the kids sit in the hula hoops and point out how the children often do not fit in the smaller hula hoop and it becomes uncomfortable to try to fold themselves into it.  Additionally, you can address how easy it is to invade someone else’s personal when they do not fit into the smaller hoop.

The third activity is to blow bubbles.  Teaching self-regulation, an important skill for successfully navigating personal space, is often taught through activities that require step-by-step instructions.  Step-by-step directions naturally require self-regulation and the incentive is having fun.  That said, I typically have children make the bubbles we are going to use and find several random household items to blow bubbles with, such as cutting off the end of a water bottle, a kitchen funnel, straws of varying sizes (make sure they are old enough they will not drink the soap!), small paper cups with a hole in the bottom, etc.  The sky is the limit!  Blow bubbles and ask your child to notice the varied sizes of the bubbles.  Ask them to think about how much space each bubble takes up.  Explain that the bigger the bubble, the more space it represents a person needs between themselves and their friends unless they ask and receive permission to enter their space.  Then, blow a bubble for each kid and ask them to tell you to stop when the bubble represents their personal space.  Make sure they understand that the larger the bubble the fewer people they want to be close to them.  If you want to get fancy you could add a little food coloring to the bubble mix.  I use the bubble mix recipe from the 365 Days of Science book by Usborne though I am sure you could search for one online.  Homemade bubbles work better for this activity due to the consistency of the bubbles.

WIN_20170605_22_20_37_ProFourth, I blow up balloons.  Ask each kid to blow up their balloon until it represents their personal space, just like the bubble activity.  Inevitably there is one child who claims they do not care how close people get to them.  Balloons are a wonderful way to illustrate that everyone has a personal space bubble even if it is very small.  Show the children an empty, never been filled balloon.  Talk to them about the importance of breathing and how important it is for us to have air in our lungs.  Ask them what happens if we do not have air in our lungs, then talk about how we cannot stay alive without at least some air.  We suffocate without air.  Personal space is just like having air in our lungs.  Without at least a small amount of personal space we are smothered or suffocated.  Even if it is only a little bit of personal space, we need some space to be comfortable and stay healthy.  This illustration combats ideas that not having personal space means you are stronger and promotes healthy self-care during formative years.  The earlier we learn healthy self-care the more natural it will be to practice self-care throughout our lives.

Fifth, I have book that includes a copy of an empty fish bowl.  I am sure you could find a fish bowl template on Pinterest to make this activity work.  Each child needs two fish bowls.  For fish, you can use goldfish crackers or Swedish fish.  You could also use whatever you have on hand, like raisins or skittles.  Count out 20 fish.  Ask the child to put one fish in one of the bowls and all the other fish in the other bowl.  Depending on the age of your child, it is also important to emphasis they may not each the fish until you tell them it is okay.  Ask them which fish bowl is the most comfortable.  Ask the child to create a bowl that represents what makes them feel comfortable.  How many fish are in their bowl?  What happens if you take a fish out of the bowl?  What happens if you add one more fish than what the child states is comfortable?  What happens if there are no other fish in their bowl?


After all these activities, I ask the kids to make a t-shirt logo or placemat that helps other people understand their personal space.