Seven Phrases For The Ages: Reading The Meaning Behind The Words

Typically when one wants to detect bullshit and manipulation from another person he or she must frequently depend on the nonverbal aspects of communication.  You know, if someone is lying their eyes roll to a particular side of the head, perhaps they cannot look you in the eye or that slight smirk reveals a questionable motive.

There exists a plethora of studies, articles and books centered on the subject of successfully reading nonverbal behaviors.  I teach entire courses centered on nonverbal communication and find it a very important and relevant study.  As the years go by, my understanding of the importance of nonverbal communication is growing to the point where actual words come in a far second in comprehending messages compared to how actual words are said –context, tone, facial expression, etc…i.e. nonverbal.

However, this being said (see #5 below…just know this blog is the exception) certain words and phrases, independent of how they are uttered and the nonverbal presentation, are indicators of other hidden rhetorical strategies at work. I call these “conversational manipulators” -yet they come in print as well. One might say these phrases are “tells” for manipulating the conversation in such a way as to achieve underlying communicative goals. It is not only important to understand these phrases for the purpose of becoming a more discerning listener, it is also important to catch ourselves using these phrases in order to become a more effective speaker.

So how does this play out? Consider our first conversation manipulator:

1. “I was just standing there minding my own business when…“

This is my favorite, hence number one. This phrase is a prelude to a story in which another individual seemingly oversteps his or her interpersonal space or something unusual happens that makes it appear the speaker is nothing but a harmless fly on the wall.  It places the speaker in a position of complete innocence while suggesting the “innocent fly” played absolutely no role in what they are about to explain. This phrase can also be a set-up to a story that plays out more effectively if the speaker is far removed and in a state of complete normalcy…making whatever happens next far more exciting and interesting when contrasted with this innocent state of affairs. In any case it manipulates the language and you can expect some rich bullshit to follow. An alternative? “I had an interesting thing happen to me today I would like share with you.”

Certainly we all strategize to use language not only to achieve our rhetorical goals, though also to make it sound more interesting. However, some words and phrases are stronger tells for dishonest speech such as:

2. “I honestly….”

When one begins a sentence with the H word what they are really saying is one of two things –either they have not been forthcoming and honest in previous dialogue or what is about to come is not honest at all. Why might we interpret it in this way? We already assume honesty from those whom which we speak while saying this is unnecessarily redundant.  Does this mean they were dishonest up to this point?

When I have found myself saying the “I honestly” to people, what I really mean is I am about to disclose something that up to that point my inner conversational discretion meter stopped me from saying. Thus, in this case, if the speaker is about to disclose something candid while warning the listener a type of confession is about to be put forth, say, “To be candid” or “To be frank” or better yet, “I must confess” as these are all better choices and far more accurate for all communicative parties involved.

The third conversational “tell” is one we are all guilty of saying, probably multiple times a day:

3. “I never” or “I always.”

The only “never” or “always” that is true is that no one never ever “nevers” or “always” anything. Feel free to throw “every” in here as well. Upon hearing this, realize the person is speaking in sweeping terms and what is about to be put forth will be “preachy” in nature – or at the very least making one look good. For example, I can brag of my sanitizing habits and claim, “I always wash my hands after using the bathroom.” This statement would be mostly true, though ALWAYS? I am certain there have been those rare times in our lives when the line may have been too long, the sink was broken or you realized you did not touch anything in the bathroom, thus off you went -sans hand washing. Most of us could probably say, “I have never killed another human being” and you would probably be right. Though how many times do we really need to convince another of that? The “never” or “always” line is usually reserved for issues where we are trying to make a point through exaggeration or look good. These can be easily remedied with the precursor clarifiers of “usually” or “typically.”

The next conversation manipulator comes by way of Rene’ who reminded me of this beauty the other day:

4. “Not to toot my own horn, but…”

This one is quite self-evident: Some major tooting lies ahead.  I find the “tooting of the horn” an interesting euphemism to the alternatives “brag” or “boast” yet they have identical meanings.  As you ponder this manipulator, it is not only guilty of said euphemism, it is also a bold faced lie as one entirely intends to brag about her or him self…and that is ok. I strongly believe that establishing our credibility on an issue can be extremely important –just no need to lie about it. Just state it. No need to qualify it at all…we know the qualifier is just bullshit anyway.

5. “That being said…” or “In spite of the fact…”

Yes, these can be conversational manipulators…yet not always. Think of these phrases as red flags to warn our bullshit meter something big, steamy, and manipulative may potentially lie ahead. I purposefully used this in the first line of the second paragraph of this blog for a reason: It can have a legitimate rhetorical purpose when used effectively. In many cases these phrases can easily be interpreted, “disregard all that was just said” -not always. In the case of this blog it was effectively used (I suppose you can be the judge of that) to draw a point of comparison and contrast between verbal and nonverbal uses of language.  I wanted to point to the strong importance of nonverbal communication yet not completely dismiss the power of words themselves or this blog would be completely pointless.

6. “At the end of the day…”

Talk about disregarding all that was just said…this takes the first place conversational manipulator trophy. It is the first-cousin-once-removed from Auntie “That being said” -without the possibility of it having legitimate function. It suggests that whatever was just said or done is irrelevant cause “at the end of the day” some overriding power or entity will do whatever they want to do or the nature of the subject matter rests in a set of principles overshadowed by the dreaded “end of the day“ beast. I think of this phrase in the same way we dismiss our, let’s say, Uncle Joe’s racist attitudes with the platitudes, “Well, that’s just Uncle Joe being Uncle Joe” or perhaps even better yet, “He’s just set in his ways.” In all cases they are avoiding the issues and rationalizing the result or behavior with a euphemistic conversational manipulator.

And, finally:

7. “Seriously…”

Now, if one is in the throes of a humor filled conversation and want to give a turn toward the serious, this can be legitimate. Yet even in this case it is often used to simply fuel more humor because the context is supposed to get more serious and clearly does not.  Please note there is no “I” in front of seriously as this gives the word an entirely different—and effective—rhetorical use; as in “I seriously doubt people will stop using these conversational manipulators any time soon.” By adding seriously in this context it adds to the level of importance and belief in the statement made. When one begins a statement with “Seriously” this may suggest that up to that point the conversation was silly and flippant. Like “honesty” I assume “seriously” with those of whom I converse.

In spite of all this and I don’t mean to toot my own horn, though I honestly and seriously have gone well over my intended 1000 word maximum. I never do that, yet, at the end of the day, I guess we all just do whatever we want.

So, as I sit here and now mind my own business, perhaps you can think of a few I completely left out

I know, right?

An Open Letter To My Pops on Father’s Day

June 15, 2014
Hello Dad,
First off, please know I am purposefully typing, rather than handwriting, this Father’s Day card for two reasons: First, I can think better when I type and, second, you probably could not read my handwriting anyway…it has gotten far worse over the years.
So happy Father’s Day! I know that you said that the real acknowledgement should go to currently “working dads” and I get that sentiment for sure as I doubt you are coming out of retirement anytime soon and I am somewhat in the fathering thick of it. That being said, you are and always will be my father so it is not your present fathering that I am celebrating -rather it is your past fathering.
Thank you for all you have done for me over the years. As a current dad of grown children myself, I have newfound love and respect for your years actively parenting me. I am not looking at it through rose-colored glasses because I am quite aware of the imperfections of my growing up, yet I am also aware of the perfections as well. You have always been there when I needed you and for that I am forever grateful.
I suppose the primary thing I am most grateful for is that you, David Stephen Urbanovich, changed the trajectory of your entire life from the way it could have gone. I have heard nothing but horror stories about your father and you could have easily followed suit growing up in such dysfunction. You could have followed your abusive fatherly role model but you did not. You chose your own path and your own way. You proved that one does have a say in this life and can make good choices in bad circumstances. Because of you and having you as my role model, I committed my life to my kids just as you did.  From a young age it was you that made me always want to be a dad. Like you, I am not and was never a perfect parent as I have made many mistakes…but I was and am a committed parent because I saw what committed fatherhood looked like with you as my guide.  I may not be, or have been, the best dad -but it was never due to lack of effort.
Growing up, I saw and experienced what committed fatherhood looked like.  Thank you.
I am sure as you lay in your bed these days watching western after western when the Lakers are not on, I must believe you are doing some reflecting as well. So, as you rest and reflect it is important that you know my sentiment and feeling toward you. Unlike your philosophy of Father’s Day, I look forward to this day each year to acknowledge you and let you know how much I love you.  You are truly like a Father version of a cat, because you have at least 9 lives. I am blessed I can still trudge my Boston Cream Pie over each Father’s Day and know you are partaking and enjoying as you hurdle each death defying experience.
I love you dad. Enjoy the pie and I look forward to providing many more in the years to come.

Working Hard Or Hardly Working? Crowd Funding And Other Ethical Milieus

I am very fortunate to currently enjoy a “seasonal” profession, meaning my schedule goes something like this:  Bust-ass-for 4 1/2-months, retreat for 1, bust-ass-for-another 4 1/2-months, retreat for 2 months–not a bad gig schedule wise.  The retreat periods give me time to do things I normally cannot get to during my “bust- ass” periods.
Therefore, this week I was able to accomplish a task I have not completed in quite some time -go through various stacks of messy paperwork on my desk.  As I perused through a plethora of old statements, papers, bills, etc., I was surprised to find a bank statement from 2011 from my credit union with a balance of $13,000—from an unknown account I did not know about, or at the very least did not remember. I immediately called the credit union and they explained I opened this retirement account in 1993 with proceeds earned from my college job of soils and geological testing.
Surprise, surprise. Nice. A little karma and a poor memory can be a good thing.
And how did I earn that money? The story goes something like this: I would get up at 5am, drive to construction sites all over Southern California, place my nose in the dirt and my ass in the air while I checked the maximum density of the soil, all the while being careful not to get plowed over by tractors, for 8-12 hours a day, while attending graduate school at night, all the while rushing home, smelling like sweat and dirt, to play with my small children. It is safe to suggest I definitely earned that money.
Perhaps it’s just me but I can be old fashioned that way. How do I make money? I believe in making money the Smith Barney way, “I uuurn it.” (google that one children).
Both Rene’ and I share a very dedicated and stringent work ethic. I would dare say Rene’s work ethic trumps my own as I have never met a person who works as hard, diligently and with such excellence as she does. She does not have a lazy bone in her body.
Therefore, for those of us who do have a hard work ethic and pay our taxes (I started working when I was 18 and have never gone a day without a job since), you can imagine our attitudes toward those who do not share this work ethic and are constantly looking for freebies and handouts—not big fans. This understanding sets the backdrop, mental context and reveals my narrow mindedness for my blog topic of choice for this week: Crowd funding.
For those who are not aware of the relatively new phenomena of crowd funding, or crowd sourcing, it is a means to generate revenue through internet websites such as and, based off the donations of viewers.  One can crowd source for just about anything, from helping fulfill the dreams of a sick child with cancer to funding films and various projects. A quick look at currently advertises requests of funds for a sick dog’s surgery, a legal defense against litigious patent trolls, and funding for a new cure for crying babies (you can’t make this stuff up).
When I first heard of such sites, my conservative work ethic suggested that something was awry. If you want money—for anything—go out and earn it, I silently thought.  I felt this was the internet’s version of electronic homeless panhandling. Yet, alas, as one who loves to bathe in the tub of cognitive dissonance and consider all sides, all the while quite aware of my mindset that thinks in analogical terms, I thought further about this very digital activity. In addition, and to add an emotional cog in the wheels of my now dissonant point of view, my son—whom I love dearly—now has a current campaign on in attempts to fund a trip to Nepal to undergo research and complete a short documentary on Singing Bowls.
I have so many questions. And perhaps some of you have some answers.
Good idea? Bad idea? Ethical? Unethical? Does it promote a lazy mentality while supporting the idea of handouts and an entitled, “me first” mentality? Or does it allow the global community to come together and assist each other in meaningful and helpful ways while making our world a better place? Both?
Of course no one is forcing anyone to give what one does not want to give as everything is, obviously, voluntary.  Yet what are the ethical implications of simply asking the question and requesting the funds? For example, I can ask you if I can borrow a $100 and you are free to say yes or no—no harm done—or is there? The act of me making the request has ethical and relational implications. I have placed you in an awkward position, potentially making you feel guilty, and forcing your hand to make a difficult decision since just asking the question changes the nature of the relationship itself. Then again, no one is forcing one to react this way either.
Such tension.
So my opinion on crowd sourcing? Like anything in life, one must take the good with the bad. Will it reinforce a lazier and entitled mentality? Potentially yes and it will for some. I heard of an acquaintance requesting funds for Yoga training. Really? Perhaps some of you may want to fund my LA Fitness gym membership and protein shakes. After all, your donation will make the world a more aesthetically pleasing place. However, will it also promote a means by which to communally support and help each other for the better? Yes, and it does. Donating to children with cancer and funding research for valuable cures can only benefit the planet.
Perhaps the new electronic work ethic is working very hard and creatively at asking people for money. Fundraising of all varieties has always been hard work and is a skill to master to be sure. However, the fact that all can now fund raise so quickly and easily through the internet while being available to all, may result in the first generation of people who view crowd sourcing as an honorable and noble profession. And why not? Just because I have a hard time wrapping my analogue mind around it does not necessarily make it a bad idea.
In the meantime, I personally will keep searching for long lost bank accounts that I have forgotten existed and were established the old fashioned way, “I uurned it.“
And if you disagree with my point of view? Help fund a boy with a camera on his forehead on a trip to Nepal for research. This hypocrite did. Sometimes my love trumps my logic.