A boy who beats on his sister, a girl who's obsessed with her friend

Helen Jung | By Helen Jung | The Oregonian
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on April 14, 2009 at 6:00 AM, updated April 14, 2009 at 6:15 AM

OK, let's say your 3.5-year-old son, who was always really easygoing, all of a sudden has turned into such a, a, a BOY. He aggressively goes after his older sister, sometimes trying to take her down. Is this normal?

Or maybe it's your 4-year-old daughter who just seems unnaturally obsessed with her best friend. She talks about her ALL the time. And then, the two sometimes send each other into hysterics by tickling each other with their tongues, and you wonder, is this normal?

According to Dr. Ajit Jetmalani, with OHSU Doernbecher Hospital's Child and Adolescent Psychiatry department, provided you're talking about pretty normal upbringings and home situations, then the answer is: yep.

Let's take the 3.5 year old boy first. Especially if he is just starting preschool, it's not a surprising behavior.

Preschools, he said, "are a place to teach children who don't hit to start hitting, and children who do hit to stop hitting."

Not literally, he said. But basically, preschools are places where children learn about social behavior. Those who hit or are more aggressive see their peers and learn to moderate those behaviors, he said. And those who have been shy or hang back start to learn how to act on their feelings of aggression.

He understands why some parents might worry when they see their child act aggressive. But he reminds us that aggression exists as a survival mechanism for humans. Generally we learn to contain aggression in sports or other pro-social ways, he said. Or we can talk things out. But a young child is not in a position to change his surroundings and isn't great at verbalizing emotions.

So what to do?

Help him play it out. Communication, coping and modifying one's emotions all happen in the context of play, he said.

"Normally developing children readily and quickly place their entire psyche into other objects and let their objects play out anxiety and emotions," he said. When a child pretends to be fiercesome, that really is a process of emotional self-regulation, he said.

That behavior has to be modified through feedback from parents and teachers, Dr. Jetmalani said. Adults should give the message that it's OK to play, but not OK to hurt.
"Even though we sound like a broken record, it modifies (the behavior) eventually,' he said.

In addition, you can help your child channel his emotions - and hopefully stop tackling his sister - by participating with him as he plays out his aggression.

Get on the floor with your child, he said, a la the "Floortime" approach outlined by Dr. Stanley Greenspan. Let him direct the play and watch what he wants to talk about. Follow his lead.

Say for instance your son is playing with a big dinosaur and is pummeling the smaller one. You can play the character of the smaller dinosaur, protesting that he's hurting you and that you don't know if you want to play with him if he keeps doing that. You can then move the little dinosaur away.

That participation can help him learn what behaviors are acceptable and what's not.

So what about girls?

Girls in the 3-5 year old range are increasingly asked to separate themselves from their parents. They are asked to be away from their parents for increasing lengths of time and faced with becoming more and more their own person.

And girls often manage their anxiety by grouping together and forming strong attachments.

"You see a lot more intense group attachments and conflicts with girls in general" than with boys, Dr. Jetmalani said.

Forming those strong peer relationships allows girls to transfer some of the energy of their attachment to their parents to someone else, he said. That starts around 3 of 4 years of age.

"Crushes can happen very commonly with little ones," he said. Of course, parents are often worried about the line between normal versus pathological.

If you had two 10-12 year old girls who would lick each other and obsessively talk about each other, that might be more worrisome, he said. But not for two four-year-olds who don't have that much experience or capacity to observe their own behavior.

The licking each other thing? "It probably feels a little forbidden and weird and silly -- and therefore enjoyable," he said. Parents can talk to the kids together to explain why we don't lick each other, about spreading germs for example. But he advises parents not go overdo it. "It's pretty common for kids to do silly things that make themselves laugh."

Parents should also encourage their child to make other friends. They especially want to make sure the girls aren't excluding others and are developing socially. They can make playdates with other kids, but they also shouldn't make the girls feel bad about their friendship.

"I think having matter of fact feedback rather than emotionally laden feedback is more effective," he said. "You give children information that they can absorb and so aren't focused on the emotions behind what you're saying. The focus (sometimes) is more on why is mom so mad at me as opposed to oh we're not really supposed to be doing this."

Many children will have transitional objects, like a blanket or stuffed animal that they can take with them on playdates.

Watch your own behavior. If you're anxious and linger when you're separating from your child, you may be giving messages to the child that they should feel anxious.

And for all parents - when you have questions, Dr. Jetmalani urges you to ask your doctor. If you feel shy about contacting them right away, store them up for your child's next appointment. Also, talk with friends about what are normal expectations for children in your child's age range.

Is the behavior that you're concerned about within the normal expectations for your child's age? Or is it inhibiting your ability to go to childcare, school or to have relationships with others? That's when you might need a doctor to take a closer look at what's going on.

-- Helen Jung;