How To Talk To A Man

How To Talk To A Man

There's a reason he doesn't hear what you're saying. New brain research reveals why—and what to do about it.

One of the most encouraging discoveries thus far is that the gender gap in our brain function narrows as we age. This improvement in compatibility may occur because we spend our lifetimes learning from one another and in so doing become more alike. Talking to each other in a different way—one that respects our differences—may speed that process. 

Ahead are nine effective strategies to use whenever you say something to a man that you really want him to hear. And consistent practice may help close your personal gender gap sooner rather than later. 

Give him a heads-up. Because women have higher concentrations of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the part of the brain responsible for language and memory skills, information may be delivered more efficiently in your brain than it is in his. Researchers believe that the reason females score higher on tests of verbal learning, particularly when they are young, is due in part to these higher dopamine levels. Avoid misunderstandings by letting him know when you're about to say something that needs his close attention. Tell him clearly that you want to have a serious talk. Before you begin, tell him that this is going to be what my friend Leslie calls a "look-me-in-the-eye conversation."

Don't try to compete with distractions. Men don't multitask as well as women do. This may be related to the fact that, in general, women activate more areas in their brain than men do when performing identical tasks. So initiating a discussion while he's watching television or surfing the Internet means you won't get his full attention. If distractions make it hard to have a certain kind of conversation while the two of you are preparing dinner, for example, take yourselves out of your home entirely: Go for a walk or to a restaurant for a drink.

Try to pick a time that's convenient for each of you and when you're both alert. Even my children don't wake me at 3 a.m. to share their anxieties or a painful rejection. They'd be welcome to, but they respect my needs and know that they're more likely to command my full attention if they wait until after breakfast when I'm fully awake.

Open with the positive. A patient recently told me about her failed attempt to improve communication with her husband. She began by saying, "You have a history of not listening to me, so I'm trying some new strategies in the hope of getting through to you." I suggested that next time she not be so critical but try some version of: "There's a recurring issue in our relationship that I believe we can fix together. I'd like to talk about the best way to handle it." It worked. Her husband was happy to listen when his opinion was courted. And he was less defensive when he wasn't accused of being obtuse.

Published December 2011, Prevention
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