Send in the clown insurers

Clown insurance exists: researchers calculate that enough bad things happen to enough clowns to reliably yield a profit
Bad things can happen to clowns – that's why they need to take out insurance
Bad things can happen to clowns – that's why they need to take out insurance. Photograph: Alexandre Meneghini/AP

Clown insurance is for clowns, not for persons potentially afflicted by them. Insurance companies offer it to clowns because clowns – no matter what you may thoughtlessly think of them – are people, and bad things can happen to anyone.

Clown insurance exists, as a distinct product category, thanks to the mathematical discipline called risk assessment. Industry researchers calculate that every year enough bad things happen to enough clowns to reliably yield a profit. Clowns, as a group, perform a benefit/cost calculation; that's why, year after year, they spend money to defend against life's practical jokes.

The UK boasts several suppliers of insurance for clowns. Blackfriars Insurance Brokers, for one, offers public liability clown insurance of up to £5m cover. Their website boasts, not unkindly, of "products to meet the business and personal insurance needs of clowns".

(Be aware, though, that a website temptingly called appears to just an example of a marketing concept.)

Foreign clowns, too, can buy clown insurance. Pretty much any clown, anywhere, can join the World Clown Association. The association, based in the US, offers its members liability insurance "with coverage of $1,000,000 per occurrence/$2,000,000 aggregate per event".

Their insurance application form specifically excludes many of the activities that, one can infer, have proved troublesome.

They will not insure a clown for clowning that involves hypnosis, bouncy castles, hot air balloons, sky diving, or competition racing. The application form does not distinguish between the numerous forms of racing – foot, horse, camel, bicycle, ski, cigarette boat, dragster, Spitfire, what-have-you.

Other things too, are verboten for the clown who wants to be protected by the association's standard clown insurance.

No throwing objects in any manner other than juggling them.

No working with animals, other than "performing dogs, doves and rabbits".

No "pyrotechnics, explosives, fireworks or similar materials". But the association is not a killjoy. It explicitly makes an exception for "concussion effects", "flashpots" and "smokepots".

No copyright infringement (that's what they call it, though they may mean trademark infringement). The association specifically mentions Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse as examples. In any event, one would do well to seek professional advice before simultaneously wearing a Mickey Mouse costume and a clown suit.

The US is blessed with a large population of clowns. American clowns, unlike their counterparts in much of the world, are blessed with a wide variety of vendors eager to sell specialised, off-the-shelf clown insurance.

American insurers, in agreement with their British brethren, view clowns as an increasingly specialised species of customer.

Not long ago, hypnotists, fire-eaters and people who do face-painting of children at public events were welcome to purchase standard clown-insurance policies. Then came legal climate change. Now everyone, no matter how clownish they believe themselves to be or not to be, should check the details before binding themselves to any policy that's designed for clowns.

Thanks to Anna Wexler, who once had clown insurance, for alerting me to its existence.
