Focus on the Family

Conflict With Your Teen

by Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley

Good communication is vital during conflict. When we asked 5,000 adults what they wished their parents had done differently during times of conflict, they gave these three responses most often:

  1. They wished their parents had listened more.
  2. They wished they could have talked about feelings more.
  3. They wished they had talked to their parents more.

It's interesting that all three of those involve aspects of communication.

And as this list suggests, good communication during conflict begins with listening and not with searching for solutions. Men especially tend to pay little attention to what their loved ones are saying, concentrating instead on trying to fix the problem. That's why we want to emphasize in this module that we need to listen first and then look for ways to resolve the conflict. It's also why we'll discuss techniques for finding solutions.

Emotional Communication: Listen with Your Heart

Do you want to know one particularly nasty myth that keeps many people from experiencing the tremendous benefits of effective communication? Somewhere along the way, they have come to believe that real communication occurs when they understand the other person's words. They equate effective communication with accurately parroting back the words and phrases they hear.

But, in fact, good communication is more than that. True communica­tion usually does not occur until each partner understands the feelings that underlie the spoken words. People generally feel more understood, cared for, and connected when the communication first focuses on their emotions and feelings rather than merely on their words or thoughts.

Consider this the magic of effective communication. Our goal must go beyond understanding the spoken words to grasping the emotional nugget underlying the words. It's far more important to discover and address the emotions beneath the situation than to parrot the words we hear. Ask your­self, "What is the emotional impact of these words?" not merely, "What exact words did I just hear?"

Suppose a teen says, "I hate my school. Everyone ignores me and I want to be home schooled."

What did she mean? Consider carefully her two sentences. The teen used no "feeling" words but all "thinking" words. So if you reply, "So what you're saying is that you don't want to go to your school any longer and you'd rather be home schooled," you've completely missed the point. You've accurately reflected to her the words she just spoke, but you remain completely in the dark about her real concern — you remain in the "head" and we want you to move to the "heart."

But what if you listen for the emotions beneath the words by listening with your heart? What if you said, "Are you saying that you feel ignored by the teach­ers and the other students, that you don't matter?" Presto! This time, you've "got it." You listened beyond your daughter's words to her heart, to her real concern. You've tapped into her emotional message — her fear of being ignored.

A lot of us (especially men) struggle with this skill. Men tend to think in a linear way: cut to the chase, get to the bottom line. We want to solve a problem and complete a task, not deal with emotions. We want to figure out how to "fix it." Without listening for and responding to the emotions, however, all of the problem solving in the world won't get us to the real problem.

Effective communication comes down to listening and speaking with your heart. When people feel understood emotionally, they feel cared for. This is very different from listening to someone from the head — that is, looking merely for the content of the person's words, without paying attention to the feelings. The goal of effective communication is to understand the emotional message of the speaker. You have to ask yourself, What is this person feeling?

Effective Communication With Your Teen

Allow your teen's feelings to touch you, and then help him see that you truly understand his feelings.

by Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley

It is one thing to hear these emotions and say, "Boy, I can really tell you are upset." But it is another thing to allow these emotions to penetrate your heart, to allow yourself to feel the pain or the sadness. The key is not merely to understand these feelings but also to allow the feelings to touch you. This is one of the primary ways that people feel cared for and loved.

Effective Communication Saves Time

Does this sound like a lot of work? Do you think it makes more sense just to make a decision, without really understanding what the other person is feel­ing? Be careful! Just making a quick decision will not solve your problem. When people don't feel understood and cared for, they may "agree" to some decision, but they won't get on board with it. Relationally, it doesn't feel to them like a satisfying or effective solution. And in the end, you'll have to talk about these things all over again.

Does it seem as if identifying the emotional nugget will take far more time than other methods of communication? A lot of guys think so! But in fact, it actually saves tremendous amounts of time.

Guys, take note: Effective communication is ultimately more efficient and takes less time than other methods. A lot of men feel frustrated when their loved ones seem to go on and on. They don't understand that the reason they go on and on is that they don't feel emotionally understood. If these fathers took the time to actually uncover their teen's emotional concern or fear, the con­versation would move on and they wouldn't have to hear the same thing a dozen times, from six different angles. When guys finally "get" this, the lightbulb goes on for them. They get excited about their ability to condense the conversation.

"All I have to do is help her see that I truly understand her feelings?" they ask, amazed and delighted.

Yep. That's it. Sounds great, doesn't it?

Guys, hear us: If your daughter repeats the same thing over and over, we can almost guarantee that she does not believe you understand her heart. You could say at that point, "I noticed that you are repeating yourself, and that causes me to question whether you believe I am understanding you. Am I missing something?"

Is this method easy? Not in one sense — it's probably very different from what you've done to this point in your life. But practice makes perfect! And over time, it gets much more efficient. At first, we admit, it feels awkward and you may be clumsy at it. But as you get more practice, it gets easier. In fact, this is the most streamlined form of communication that we know.

So learn to listen with your heart. Put your problem-solving urges on hold for a while. Problem-solving skills remain extremely valuable, of course, but they are much more effective after you understand the emotions involved. So save time! Get efficient! And look for the emotional nugget.

Effective communication makes room for people to feel what they are feeling, and to know that their feeling — their heart, the place where they are emotionally — is not only okay with me, it's welcome, and I am going to care about it.

Unhealthy Ways to Argue

Four habits to avoid in family disagreements

by Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley

Attempts at communication between parents and teens can be extremely frustrating for both parties. Unfortunately, many families tend to use one or more of four common habits that bring further anger and destruction to the relationship. In other words, these four common habits are what we shouldn't do when we have family disagreements. Let's examine these unhealthy ways of arguing so we know what to avoid.

Four Destructive Ways to Argue

1. Continually withdrawing from an argument

Conflict avoidance or withdrawal doesn't happen only in "dysfunctional" families; it's common in otherwise healthy families as well. In our seminar survey of more than 5,000 adults, when we asked "How did you and your parents deal with conflict?" the number-one response was avoiding or with­drawing from it.

How about your family? Do you find that you and your teenager con­tinue to bring up the same areas of conflict without resolving them? If so, these discussions probably end in hurt, frustration, or fear because the issues have not been handled adequately.

2. Letting arguments escalate into hurtful, name-calling fights

If you and your teen find yourselves starting to shout and call each other degrading, dishonoring names during an argument, the anger level will usu­ally skyrocket. Nothing can make a discussion escalate out of control faster. Yet when we asked our survey respondents how their families had handled conflict, "Yelling and screaming at each other" was the third-most-common answer.

What usually starts this kind of interaction is the accusatory word you. For example, "You never ... You always ... You make me ..." As this hap­pens, you're usually left with greater hurt and frustration. Furthermore, the fear level is now higher because you remember the increased pain of the argu­ment. The result is more love-killing anger between those involved.

Usually following on the heels of an escalating argument is the third bad habit we need to avoid.

3. Belittling or invalidating each other during an argument

To invalidate someone is to make fun of him or attack his personhood. For example, during a conflict we might accuse our teenager of being stupid, uncaring, wild, immature, ugly, or something equally dishonoring. When this happens, it can cause emotional damage and sour the relationship.

Invalidation takes place when we try to cut someone at the core of her being, like saying something about her age, personality, appearance, or intel­ligence. To be invalidated can be extremely painful. Perhaps you remember a time when a parent, teacher, coach, or friend said something that hurt you deep inside, maybe not even realizing the depth of pain his comment caused.

Why do conflicts between parents and teenagers so often escalate into name-calling, yelling, and invalidation? One reason we need to understand is the intensity and variability of teenage emotions. It's no secret that adolescence is a period of emotional highs and lows. Our teens may feel as if they're on an emotional roller coaster: loving one minute and hating the next; feeling a sense of pride and then suddenly feeling shame. One moment the future looks bright, and then in the blink of an eye it's hopeless.

The intensity and variability of emotions, especially in teenagers and especially during conflict, can cause a calm discussion to turn instantly into a raging war of words. It's no wonder that you can expect to experience occa­sional escalation and invalidation.

One of the best ways to deal with escalation and invalidation during a conflict is to take a "time-out." In other words, when emotions start to heighten, body temperatures rise, and words start becoming dishon­oring, it's time to take a break. Always agree to resume the discussion when everyone's emotions have settled. As you utilize the time-out with your teenager, you will be modeling a great conflict resolution skill that he or she will be able to use for a lifetime.

Let's now turn our attention to the final habit in arguing that can pro­duce anger and become extremely toxic to the honor in your home.

4. Starting to believe that a family member is trying to hurt, frustrate, or cause fear on purpose

When we begin to develop a negative belief about someone, it can have per­manent and ruinous consequences. What we believe about our children may come true, good or bad. Once we start developing a deep conviction that our teenager is stupid, clumsy, try­ing to drive us crazy, or going to get pregnant, we'll actually hear or see signs of it even if it isn't true. Confirmation bias is particularly destructive when it comes to parent-adolescent conflict.

The Right Way to Communicate During Conflict


by Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley


Using Drive-thru Talking to Resolve Family Conflicts









Summary of Drive-thru Talking Rules

Fast-Food Employee (listener)

Customer (speaker)

General Rules

Warning ...



Finding the Best Solution to Any Conflict

Avoid power struggles by getting on the same team as your teen.

by Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley



Becoming Teammates with Your Teenager











Rules for Fair Fighting






  1. Listen for understanding.
  2. Avoid yelling, verbal threats, or abuse.
  3. Maintain an honoring, respectful, and loving atmosphere.
  4. No name-calling.
  5. Use open communication.
  6. Don't bring in past "garbage."
  7. Keep the focus off the person's character.
  8. No violence.
  10. Make sure only one person talks at a time.




Making Wise Decisions During Conflicts

Eight tips for creating a win/win solution

by Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley

When the Smalley kids were teens and large conflicts came up within our family, we tried to follow the next eight steps as closely as possible. They helped greatly to keep our anger levels low and our honor high. They also helped us create a win/win solution.

1. Remember you're on the same team.

This is huge! Just keeping this in mind can change the way you treat one another as you communicate and negotiate. Remember, it is not acceptable for one of you to walk away feeling like you've lost. It is not worth it!

2. Clearly define the problem issue and facts through listening.

To resolve a conflict, it's necessary to first clearly define what the conflict is about. It could just be the result of fatigue, miscommunication, unclear rules, or a low sugar level. Or perhaps someone has an unspoken desire.

Take time to understand how the other person feels. There's a great likelihood that your conflict will melt away as you really go deeper and under­stand each other's deeper feelings and concerns. Often, a parent and teen will find out that they are really not as far apart as they thought.

It may help to ask questions like "What's really going on?" or "What change would be needed to satisfy you?"

3. Don't be impulsive — get the facts.

The next step in resolving a conflict is to consider all the facts. Impulsive actions can be limited if we agree as a family to gather facts before making a decision, especially during the heat of a disagreement. But don't get overwhelmed thinking, Great, we have to get all the facts before we can make any decision! Sometimes the resolution to a conflict or the wise deci­sion to make is so obvious that you don't need a major fact-finding mission. On the other hand, there will be times when a solution is not immediately apparent, or you and your teenager won't agree on the solution.

Sometimes, of course, we parents have to make tough decisions when we can't reach agreement with our teens, and they have to abide by them. But gathering the relevant facts often makes the right choice clear to everyone involved, and it also increases the honor and decreases the anger in our homes. Further, it teaches teenagers a valuable skill: logical discernment. It never hurts to consider facts, but ignorance of the facts can cause a lot of damage.

4. Pray and seek wise counsel.

Pray together. Some conflicts resolve at this point when you discern God's leading on the issue. Furthermore, it is almost impossible to want to pray with someone when you're really angry or "closed." This step is a good internal check-in. If you don't want to pray together, you probably shouldn't be trying to resolve the conflict at this time — you're probably not very safe and are likely to say or do something that means you feel more like an enemy than a teammate.

In addition to prayer, another way to help solve difficult problems or make wise decisions is to seek opinions from wise people. This doesn't mean just going to someone who you know already agrees with your position. We want to stress the word wise. It does no good to seek advice from those who may not know anything, are immature, or may be "darkened in their under­standing" by sin.

Whether the wise counsel comes from a parent, a teacher, a coach, a mentor, a youth pastor, civil servants, or other authority figures, help your teenager to actively pursue good advice when faced with a significant deci­sion.

5. Create solutions by brainstorming a "pro versus con" list.

Brainstorm solutions. Now that each of you understands where the other person is coming from, you can begin to generate ideas that have the poten­tial for being win/win solutions. Don't judge or criticize the ideas at this stage; the idea is to be creative and generate a list of options.

One of the best methods our family found for brainstorming was a "pro versus con" list. It's simple, and it keeps peace in the midst of negotiation. It also helps guard against a major roadblock to honoring solutions: manipulation.

When parents put pressure on their teenager to make a particular choice (or vice versa), it can cause major conflict. But the pro versus con list enables us to look at the issues more objectively and factually, promoting harmony in the process.

6. Agree on one or more of the solutions.

Remember, the goal is for both of us to feel good about our decision. But suppose we've done a pro versus con list with a teen and we're still at odds.

Our recommendation is that the parent and teen brainstorm several additional potential solutions. We've found that when parents and teens do this, a choice usually emerges that they both like. This is different from a compromise because instead of both parties giving in, they've identi­fied a new solution that they both find acceptable.

Sometimes the win/win solution becomes apparent with amazing ease and quickness. But it must be done in honor. As parents working through this process, we need to make sure we don't close our teen's spirit. Even after having a good drive-thru talking experience and doing a pro versus con list, anger can reemerge if a win/win solution isn't found right away. But if we remain persistent, most conflicts can be resolved.  

7. Write down the agreement.

Because it's so easy to forget what decisions were made during an argument, it's good to develop the habit of putting agreed-upon solutions down on paper. That helps to assign responsibility for the future, as each person will then know exactly what's expected of him or her. It also holds those involved accountable for their future behaviors and choices.

8. Make sure anger is dealt with after the conflict has ended.

When we parents admit our contribution to the problem and seek for­giveness, our words and actions go a long way toward promoting honor and decreasing anger in a teenager's life.

When You Still Can't Resolve Conflict

When all else fails, get an outside opinion.

by Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley



A Final Comment About Resolving Conflicts in Honor










Next Steps and Related Information

Additional resources to help you improve communication with your teen

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