What Women Want

When God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, they walked untill they got tired, then Adam stopped to catch his breath and get his bearings. Eve plopped herself down on a rock, invented “The Look”, and directed it full force at Adam. The first man felt the hair on the back of his neck singeing and turned an inquisitive gaze on the first woman. Getting the full force of “The Look” for the first time in history, Adam said, “What is it? What do you want?”

Since that moment, man has pursued the answer to that question with little success. The value of Pi was discovered in the dim reaches of antiquity, preserved in the records of mans knowledge, and anyone may look up the answer whenever he wishes and know of a certainty precisely what the number is. We can tell the distance to the Moon within a foot or so, how many grains of sand there are on Earth, how deep is the ocean, how blue the sky is, and someone has probably figured out how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. But no one, man or woman, can give you a definitive answer to the question; What Does A Woman Want?

Untill now.

I have figured it out. It has taken most of my life, but I have puzzled out the answer. It is simplicity itself. It can be universally applied to all women in all situations. The wants of a woman at any given moment may seem to be infinitely variable, but they are really just variations on the same theme; notes in the same chord, peaches from the same tree, pups in the same litter, kernels off the same cob. I beg your pardon, I got carried away.

Women want the script; the play. Their own copy; preferably with their name on it,  in bold  golden cursive. They want the script as far in advance of the opening of the play as possible.

They want the script because it will tell them every thing that is required of them; how they are dressed, what make up do they wear, where do they stand, what do they say and to whom do they say it?

The script will have precise instructions on when and from where they enter and exit. It will tell them if they are standing or sitting, and what emotions to evoke in each scene. Each character is clearly defined as to actions and purpose and how their interactions with each other affect the story line.

Women want to know who the villains and heroes are and what their relation to each is. Who lives, who dies, who wins and who loses. And most important of all, how does the play end?  You can tell them that no one can predict the end, that it is not yet written, but your words are lost in the wind. They want to know that some one has a plan for the ending.

If you provide them with what they want they will pour all of their heart and soul into making the play a success, provided the director knows his business. A lousy director can make Shakespeare look bad.

But if the play is well written and the director is confident in the  material and his leading lady, then glorious things can happen, and the play can become an inspiration to all who see it.

Or, it can close after one performance.



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