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Three Parts:Diagnosing ProblemsFixing ProblemsFinding Peace

We'd all like to avoid unpleasant break-ups, especially if they're unnecessary. But how can you learn to distinguish romantic road bumps from serious obstacles? How can you smooth them over? Read on to learn how to help yourself use those problems and develop a stable and lasting relationship.


Part 1 of 3: Diagnosing Problems

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    Decide you have a problem and that you want to confront it. Feelings of dissatisfaction or distance from your partner may be signs of fixable or unfixable problems. Have you wondered actively about dating someone else? Have you been relieved lately to have time alone? Do you notice changes in your partner? Less intimacy? More arguments?
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    Distinguish between road bumps and major problems. It's important to recognize that major obstacles to a relationship, like emotional or physical abuse, may be unfixable. It's not in your best interest to waste time and energy by trying to make something better that's not worth making better. Part of this is learning to distinguish between an "argument" and a "fight."
    • An argument is a disagreement. While you may lose your temper, raise your voice and become irritated, the focus of the argument is a particular issue or subject. You might have an argument with your partner about responsibility over the dishes, for example. While this may seem personal--you're really arguing about responsibility and accountability, maybe--the argument remains focused on the issue at hand. Those problems it speaks to, though, are fixable problems.
    • A fight is personal. When you're fighting with someone, a more complicated well of emotions is at work, guiding your response and your actions. If a quick comment about your partner not doing the dishes turns quickly into a loud shouting match with accusations of cheating, or if you regularly and knowingly push your partner's buttons in an attempt to get a rise out of them, this is a sign of deeper and more complicated issues that may be unfixable.
    • If at any time an altercation becomes physical between you and your partner, it should be taken as a sign of very serious issues. It would be almost impossible to really "fix" a physically abusive relationship.
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    Name your problem. To be able to discuss these issues with your partner and hope to begin fixing them, it helps to be able to articulate them. It can be very difficult to try to have a serious relationship conversation if all you can say is "I'm just unhappy, I just don't know why."
    • Writing down your feelings can be helpful. List occasions in your relationship that make you unhappy, uncomfortable, or frustrated. List particular things your partner does that make you feel this way.
    • Use the sentence structure "When we_____ I feel _____." This should help you get started. Try to avoid thrusting all this on your partner by avoiding making "you" statements. Instead of "When you hang out with your friends at the bar instead of hanging out with me, I feel lonely" try "When we can't spend time together, I feel unwanted."
    • If given ten minutes of god-like powers, list the behaviors you'd like to instantly change in your relationship. This can be an illuminating exercise in identifying what it is that you're dissatisfied about. Distinguish between "I'd like her to be less competitive" and "I'd like to learn to live with her competitiveness."
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    Prioritize your concerns. List the problems you've identified by the importance of your emotions and the emotions of your partner. List what you see as your role in each problem and your partner's role in each problem. Be honest.
    • Does your fear of appearing vulnerable stop you from sharing and opening up with your partner? It's possible that you are feeling frustrated because your partner has touched on something you don't like about yourself and that brings up emotions of embarrassment or shame. Are you reacting against, blaming or attacking your partner because you want to be right and don't want to be wrong? Start asking yourself tough questions before confronting your partner.
    • In the end, you need to weigh whether you can tolerate the parts of your partner that annoy you against their willingness to change and create a loving, tolerant space to discuss those feelings. Both members of the relationship need to see what is good and bad for the relationship on their own. You will hope for the same loving behavior from them, the same space from them, and the same honesty.

Part 2 of 3: Fixing Problems

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    Make a serious effort to communicate effectively with your partner. At the core of many relationship problems is a failure to communicate. If you're not talking about what's bothering you, it's impossible to fix it.
    • Make an appointment to talk. Especially if you're busy with school, work, or kids, you'll need to set aside time to talk. Turn your cellphone off, don't watch TV while you talk, avoid all distractions. If it takes all night, let it take all night. Accordingly, don't spring a serious conversation on your partner at a bad time or they'll feel defensive and attacked. Calmly say, "Can we have some time to talk tomorrow? I think we need to clear the air about some stuff."
    • Listen actively. Look at your partner while he or she is talking. Don't slouch or fiddle with your phone even if you're feeling frustrated. Don't interrupt while your partner is talking. Be respectful at all times. Be polite if your partner becomes emotional.
    • If you have trouble having serious conversations without slipping into raised voices, try to have the conversation in a public park or restaurant where it would be too embarrassing to yell.[1]
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    Decide to change together. Your relationship is a package deal. If while discussing your issues, it becomes clear that your partner either can't understand or is choosing to ignore the problems that you've identified and that your partner is unwilling to alter their role in those problems, it might be time to end the relationship. If you can come to agreement, however, on those issues and come together in a willingness to change for the better, you're ready to begin the healing process.
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    Make your relationship a priority. One of the biggest issues facing relationships is the fizzle-out. Eventually, the person you liked spending countless hours talking with may no longer excite you as they once did. But learning to rekindle that excitement is one of the keys to a long-lasting relationship.
    • Do the things you did in the early stages. Compliment each other, plan dates, and exchange gifts. Always remember to express gratitude by thanking them when you're feeling loved.
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    Clearly divide the work load. Feelings of inequality can fester in long-term relationships. If one partner is feeling overworked and under-appreciated, it can turn into arguments.
    • Write down the household chores and bills and assign them to each party so the responsibilities are clearly drawn. If you always have to drive or take the subway to visit your partner, work something out so that you can alternate the date-commute.
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    Practice intimacy. Sexual problems will eventually affect most relationships, but loving couples can work through these issues with honesty, trust, and communication. Spending time on this layer of your relationship and learning about your own sexuality and your partner's is an important part of building a long-term relationship.
    • Let your partner know what excites you. When things get a little boring or routine, you need to let your partner know and plan for alternatives. Come up with a list of desires or turn-ons and share it with your partner. Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, but writing down the list can alleviate some of the awkwardness.
    • Be spontaneous. If you're only able to be alone at particular times, play hooky from work one day and sneak a quickie on your partner's lunch break.

Part 3 of 3: Finding Peace

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    Follow-up on the state of the relationship. It's a good idea to take stock of things every couple of months. You may need to revisit several of the issues you've discussed already. If things don't seem to be getting better, you need to address them. If you're making an honest effort to change but your partner seems stuck in a rut, it's time for a conversation.
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    Plan for the future. If you've decided to work on your relationship and are taking active steps toward fixing your problems and staying together, you need to make plans. After a while, your own ambitions can sometimes diverge from your partner's, leaving you caught between your own self-interest and your partner's.
    • If you're planning on applying for a great job opportunity in New York next year, that's something you need to discuss. If you plan to get married eventually and have children, that's something your partner needs to know about.
    • Discuss deal-breakers. If your partner seems hell-bent on becoming a wilderness firefighter and you're not sure you can handle the stress of their job, you need to let them know. If you never wanted to date a smoker and your partner's taken up the habit recently, make that clear.
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    Don't be afraid of ultimatums. If a behavior pattern, like your partner's habitual drinking, say, seems destined to end the relationship for you, make them aware of it. If your partner's drinking contributes to arguments and your partner seems interested in quitting but lacks the commitment, issue an ultimatum: "I don't think this relationship can continue if you're still drinking in three months." If you've got your partner's best interest at heart, and you're honest about the behavior contributing to the disarray of the relationship, this can be a useful tool.
    • This should be used with caution. You can't change everything you don't like about your partner and you shouldn't try. What you're trying to do is give them a chance to revert what may be a "deal-breaker."
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    Avoid acting for the purpose of pleasing your partner. You want to make your partner happy, of course. But changing your behavior and sacrificing part of yourself to keep a relationship "successful" isn't fair for you and will prolong a dysfunctional relationship that might be better of ending. Learn to be yourself and to be part of the couple for it to be successful.


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Categories: Breaking Up | Commitment Issues

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