Parenting Solutions: Growing Up Too Fast (page 2)

By Michele Borba, Ed.D.
John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Updated on Dec 31, 2010

The Solution

Seven Strategies for Change

  1. Stay tuned to what's happening around us. Take a careful look at a few TV programs that your child's peers watch. Catch the latest reality TV show; flip on MTV and notice those grinding dance numbers and provocative outfits. Listen to the latest pop lyrics. Flip through CosmoGirl, Teen Vogue, or Teen People and peruse the mall a little more closely to check out the latest tween fashions. Doing so will help you recognize the pressures today's kids are under and help you decide what limits you want to set for your child. It's unrealistic to say no to everything, so where will you draw the line? Be clear about where you stand so that you can clarify your reasons to your child.
  2. Take a crash course in child development. You might have devoured those baby books, but don't overlook learning about your child's current stage of development. Review a few respected sources so you can understand what is age appropriate for your kid. Recommendations include The Preschool Years, by Ellen Galinsky; The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12, by the American Academy of Pediatrics; or, for tweens, The Roller-Coaster Years, by Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese. Ask your health care professional for developmental milestone charts for your child's age. Talk to experts—such as teachers, pediatricians, and yes, even grandparents—who usually understand normal childhood development. Your commitment to slowing the accelerated pace of your kid's childhood will be reinforced by understanding how destructive a fast-forward world is to your child's emotional and social development.
  3. Let your kid be a kid. According to a University of Michigan study on how kids ages three to twelve spend their time, over the past twenty years there has been a drop of twelve hours a week of free time overall, with unstructured activities like walking or camping falling by 50 percent—while high-pressure structured sports went up by 50 percent.82 Take a serious look at your child's schedule and scan her list of daily activities. Is there any time left for those cherished childhood traditions like play, make-believe, forts, unscheduled time, and sand castles? Don't buy into that modern-day American parenting myth that "push-push-push" is "better-better-better" for your child. There is no proven scientific support of the consumer-driven nonsense that parents should accelerate their kids' performance (from kicking a soccer ball to reading).83 So what's the rush? Make sure that your child has time just to be a kid.
  4. Insist on developmentally appropriate material. Let's face it, the culture is pushing our kids to grow up faster, and they do act older than their actual age. Puberty is starting earlier and kids do look more mature. But "looking and acting" like a grown-up doesn't mean your child is developmentally ready to handle that fast-forward world. Here are actions to take:
    • Set your rules and expectations based on your child's actual chronological age.
    • Tailor your decisions to what is developmentally appropriate to your child's current emotional, cognitive, and physical stage. (Check child development guides.)
    • Lay down certain "rites of passage" or ages your child can go to her first sleepover, use the Internet alone, obtain a cell phone, see a PG movie, shave her legs, wear makeup, or pierce her ears so that she has something to look forward to.
    • Utilize the suggested age guidelines for games, toys, sports equipment, and books.
    • Use the age rating system for video games, movies, CDs, and television shows. Recognize that panels of credentialed child development experts spend hours reviewing each product before providing posted guidelines.
    • Lead your child toward age-appropriate hobbies and interests. Think swimming, horseback riding, theatre, soccer, knitting, band, scouting, 4-H, and church groups that focus on healthy outlets that are developmentally suitable.
  5. Forbid the "sexy look." These days, fashions aimed at kids are outright provocative and clearly push the limits of age appropriateness. Makeup. Short skirts. Halter tops. Press-on nails. Lip gloss. Thong underwear. See-through blouses. "Comehither look" attire clearly is selling sexualization and luring our kids into a far too early and unhealthy focus on appearance with an R-rated twist. Pick your battles when it comes to fashion, go ahead and allow choices, and don't worry so much about "style," but hold a clear line when it comes to fashion with a sexualized look. Regardless of the onset of puberty, your nine-year-old is still nine. Set your standards to your children's chronological age, not their physical appearance. (See also Clothes and Appearance, p. 350.)
  6. Start those "grown-up talks" earlier. Let's face it: kids nowadays are exposed to more grown-up issues at far younger ages. Studies show that drinking, sexual promiscuity, oral sex, depression, eating disorders, stress, peer pressure, puberty, and even acne are all hitting our kids three to four years earlier than when we were growing up. So don't deny your child's fast-forward culture and wait to discuss those "grown-up" subjects you had planned for the teen years. Even if you're not talking about these tougher issues, believe me your child's friends most likely are. Be the one who provides accurate facts that are laced with your moral beliefs and values. Also make sure that your child's doctor is someone your child feels comfortable speaking to. Beware: puberty is striking kids at younger ages, and your child does needs to feel comfortable speaking to someone—if not you—about menstruation or wet dreams.
  7. Stay connected. The closer your relationship with your child, the better able she will be to navigate that sometimes raunchy, racy culture; find alternatives to those sexual messages; and realize it's okay to be a kid. That's because your child will seek your guidance and use you as a filter. And you do make a difference: a 2007 MTV/Associated Press poll found that the majority of young people listed their parents as their heroes.85 Find more time for your child to connect with you, her grandparents, and relatives, who can help keep her centered, preserve some ounce of her childhood, and value her for who she really is and not how popular or sexy she looks. Above all, stay connected! A thirteen-year-old typically spends half the amount of time with her parents that she did when she was ten.86
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