Wednesday's Edge: The Ballad of Thomas Crapper

The Oregonian/OregonLive By The Oregonian/OregonLive The Oregonian
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on September 04, 2013 at 6:00 AM, updated September 04, 2013 at 6:07 AM

Depending on where you're reading this, you may find it timely to learn that today's column is all about our hero, Thomas Crapper, the 19th century English plumber whose birth we're celebrating today.

Contrary to popular belief, Mr. Crapper did not invent the flush toilet. This is crushing news for humor columnists and third-graders everywhere. So, as much as we'd love to make wisecracks about Crapper inventing the toilet, we'll have to settle for talking about the other toilet-related stuff he actually did develop, like the ballcock. Nothing to work with there!

But even though Mr. Crapper didn't invent the flusher, he did much to increase its popularity and to promote sanitary plumbing. He was even hired to supply royal privies for Prince Edward (later King Edward VII), and George V. So Crapper fans have reason to be flushed with pride after all.

No one knows for certain the exact date of Crapper's birthday, but we do know he was born sometime in early September, 1836, so we're close enough to say, Happy Birthday, Mr. Crapper!

In celebration, we concocted this little ditty, sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies" theme song.

Hit it, Lester and Earl...

The Ballad of Thomas Crapper
Come and listen to a story about a man named Tom
A poor plumber's apprentice who could barely get along
Then one day he was sittin' on his can
And up from his brain came a genius plan.
Idea that is. Automatic valve. Ballcock!
Well the first thing you know ol Tom's a sanitary engineer,
Started selling toilets with a seat for your rear
Said, "Crapper's Valveless Water Waste Preventer's where you oughta pee,"
Then he got a job making toilets for the Royal Family.
Windsors, that is. Royal thrones. Majesties.
Now it's World War I and the Yanks are over there
And in old London town, the whiz kid's name was everywhere
Printed on the toilet tanks for everyone to see
Was the name T. Crapper from the town of Chelsea.
England, that is. Jolly good. Bad teeth.
When the doughboys returned to the land of all their kin
They brought somethin' back from the place where they'd just been
Anyone who had to go, gentleman or flapper
If you asked where they went, the answer was, "the Crapper."
Thomas, that is. Set a spell. Take your shoes off.
Y'all come back now, y'hear?