Lara's got a great big family

Gail Pascoe's daughter was conceived using donor sperm. How much does she need to know about her biological father and 53 siblings?

FAMILIES come in all shapes and sizes. These days, children can belong to a traditional nuclear family, an extended family household or a blended family, and have single or same-sex parents. But what if you were to grow up knowing more than 50 siblings, all within a couple of years of your age?

At last count, 17-month-old Lara Pascoe had 25 sisters and 28 brothers. The oldest recently celebrated her fourth birthday. The siblings are dotted around the world, with most of them living in the United States. Lara is a donor-conceived child.

''Growing up I always assumed that I would have children,'' says Lara's mother, Gail Pascoe, 44. ''Then my life just took different turns and because of circumstance it never happened - the relationship wasn't right, or the partner I was with already had children and didn't want any more, and for various other reasons.''

The number of donor-conceived individuals in Australia is not known due to inadequate record-keeping in the early days of IVF, but the introduction of legislation in 2010 allowing single women and women in same-sex relationships to access donor conception has seen demand for the service grow. In Victoria, more than 1000 women have been treated with donor gametes (eggs, sperm or embryos) in the past year.

When she was 40, and with a partner who did not want any more children, Pascoe realised she would need to go it alone. ''So I left [the relationship] and went down the path of using a donor because that was simpler than meeting somebody - it would have taken some time to get a new relationship to that stage.''


Lara will know the circumstances of her birth from the moment she is old enough to understand. Pascoe already tells her the story and has started putting together a book to help her comprehend how she came to be.

The unusual element will be the part the internet has played in Lara's life: from her mother sourcing the sperm through a clinic that profiles donors much like a dating site, to locating her half-siblings on an independent website and then establishing relationships with their families over Facebook.

And as facial recognition technology improves, in a few years Lara will probably be able to put her donor's photo into Google Images and find out exactly who he is.

A shortage of gametes available in Victoria led Pascoe to sourcing sperm from overseas. The Xytex clinic in the United States provides profiles listing the known medical history of the donor, photographs, an essay stating why they donate and an audio file.

Gail Pascoe chose Lara's biological father because ''he sounded like a kind, caring person and the essay that he wrote really touched me, because it was written as though it was directed at the child. He sounded like the sort of person I could go out with, even though he was considerably younger than me,'' she laughs.

Once Lara was born, Pascoe was curious about any half-siblings her daughter might have. She discovered an independent website,, and found that by searching the donor number of the biological father that she could make contact with other parents who had used the same donor. This is how she discovered that Lara had 53 half-siblings.

''Initially, I was quite shocked,'' she says. ''But then I thought it was a waste of time thinking of the negatives and now I've just embraced the idea.''

Pascoe made contact with many of the other parents and some of them have formed a private Facebook group where they post pictures and stories of the children, many of whom share similar physical features and traits. There is talk of having a physical get-together once the children are a little older.

Since January 2010, there has been a limit on the number of children that can be conceived from a single donor's gametes in Australia. In Victoria, the limit is 10 families, including the donor's own family.

Before that legislation, there was no limit and there is at least one instance of more than 30 people conceived from one donor's sperm within Australia. There is a good chance the majority of these are not even aware of how they were conceived, let alone that they have nearly three dozen half-siblings.

Up to a decade ago, parents were counselled not to tell their children they were donor-conceived. Consequently, many adult donor-conceived people don't know their origins.

Since the consequences of finding out later in life can often be distressing, all of the parents Pascoe is in contact with plan to tell their children the circumstances of their birth from the moment they can understand. This is the path recommended by experienced counsellors and psychologists.

Louise Johnson, the CEO of the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority, says Victoria is leading the way with counselling for families. ''The benefits of counselling are enormous,'' she says. ''We know that openness is healthy for families. [Research shows] people that know they are donor-conceived believe that openness is very important for their sense of identity, knowing who they are.

''It's not that they want a replacement mother or father - they have parents already. But they want to be able to have access to information about their donor if they choose to.''

Under current Victorian law, the right to access information about donors and half-siblings varies depending on the date of conception. People conceived before 1997 can only access identifying information about their donors with the donor's consent, and about half-siblings through a voluntary register. People conceived before 1988 have no right to any information at all.

The Law Reform Committee tackled these inconsistencies in the Inquiry into Access by Donor-Conceived People to Information about Donors. In March, it made the controversial recommendation that all donor-conceived people should have access to identifying information about their donors.

This includes identification of people who donated on the condition of anonymity before 1997, although they would be allowed to request contact not be made. Parliament is likely to table a response to the committee's report next week.

However, the committee recommended only granting access to non-identifying information about half-siblings. It considered that to do otherwise could traumatise those who are unaware that they are donor-conceived and disrupt their family relationships.

As the eldest of the people who were donor-conceived reach their 30s, a recurring theme is the fear that half-siblings will meet and form a relationship. It is unknown how statistically likely this is, but Terri Kelleher of the Australian Family Association says research shows that often the children of sperm donors are geographically close.

''There is concern about if young people are considering getting married whether they should find out whether in fact they are related,'' she says.

Johnson has also seen the fear of consanguineous relationships raised, and she says in the context of a very large number of half-siblings, there are concerns for the donor about the impact of finding out he may have fathered 50 or 60 children.

In some cases, having a large number of donor offspring has caused some US donors to withdraw their permission to make contact because it is simply too emotionally overwhelming.

As for the children, Johnson says there will be some that cope well with having a large biological family while others will find it ''very difficult''.

Johnson believes donor-conceived children are capable of forming sibling-type bonds with their half-brothers and sisters. She knows of parents who have established friendships through the voluntary registers in Victoria. ''Their children have got to know one another and there's been really strong bonds formed.''

Kelleher disagrees. ''The family is an intimate unit and there's certainly no intimacy there,'' she says. ''They might find that they're friends and they could find that some are closer than others, but it's not a sibling bond. Siblings should grow up in the same house and they share the same bedroom.''

Although she agrees with placing limits on the number of families from a single donor, Pascoe has embraced the idea of a possible extended family for her daughter.

''I think it's fantastic for her. She can meet her siblings if she wants to, and she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. And I assume she will have relationships like any siblings do - she'll connect with some and won't connect with others, and that's fine too.''

The availability of information technology gives Lara that option. Many of those born of donor gametes in previous decades never had the choice. Thirty-year-old Narelle Grech discovered she was donor-conceived when she was 15. She knows she has at least eight half-siblings and hopes the government will implement the changes recommended by the committee so that she might make contact with some of her fraternal family.

''I really just want to know who they are and what they're like. Having my records would mean the world to me.''

She understands the committee stopping short of allowing the release of identifying information about her half-siblings, who may not be aware they are donor-conceived. She says she doesn't want to be the one to ''open a Pandora's box'' for them. But she remains optimistic one or more will make contact. ''Get in touch, who knows. Let's have a coffee. At this point I'm hoping for the best and expecting the worst.''

In May last year, Grech was diagnosed with stage four bowel cancer and believes it is important that this information, at least, is shared with her blood relatives. She understands that in most cases where a person is diagnosed with bowel cancer under the age of 30, there is a genetic link.

LARA Pascoe does not come under Victorian legislation as her biological father donated his sperm in the United States and the sperm bank Xytex (which allows up to 40 families from one donor) does not release donors' names.

''No, I don't know who he is,'' Gail Pascoe says. ''I'm contractually obligated to not try and find out who he is and I'm fine with that. I have an immense amount of gratitude towards him for donating his sperm and enabling me to fulfil my dream of having a child.''

Hopefully, the extensive information that is provided - including photos and history of the donor - along with the opportunity to know her half-siblings, will save Lara from suffering the identity crisis experienced by people like Narelle Grech. is full of good news stories of people locating the families of their children's half-siblings. One essay by a 16-year-old girl relates the joy she felt finding her five siblings. ''Thanks to this amazing event in my life, I have gained an extended family. A void I didn't know was there has been filled.''

But there is one most important thing, no matter what shape a family takes, Johnson says. ''We know from the research that's been done that it's love and nurturing that is really what counts for families.''

For help in telling a child they are donor-conceived and other support for donor-assisted families, visit