Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Peace Snake

The Peace Snake

By: Steven Plaut Wednesday, July 30, 2008

year 150 CE, shortly after the Bar Kochba revolt. Located on the
Mediterranean coast of what is now Turkey, the town was in fact a Greek
settlement under Roman rule that practiced paganism.

One day workers in the local temple discovered some strange bronze tablets
there proclaiming the imminent arrival of a divine healer named Asclepius,
supposedly the son of Apollo. Locals quickly erected a new temple to honor
the guest from heaven. And just as the temple was being completed, a
strange egg was discovered in its earthworks. When cracked open, a baby
snake emerged. A man named Alexander then proclaimed that this snake was
the expected 'god' and that he himself was its oracle.

Within days, the baby snake transformed itself miraculously into a giant
one, much larger than a python. It revealed secrets and prophesies to its
oracle, Alexander, spoken conveniently in the local Greek dialect. People
from all over the Roman empire - including dignitaries from Rome - came to
hear the prophecies.

Many brought the oracle Alexander valuable gifts. A single prediction of
the future or message of advice from the snake would cost the supplicant
the equivalent of a day's wages, and the snake could provide a hundred of
these on any working day. Husbands, hearing the snake's advice to turn
their wives over to Alexander as concubines, did so.

As it turned out, the entire snake cult was nothing more than a pagan
predecessor to the movie classic "The Wizard of Oz." The snake had been
created out of paper mache, with a speaking tube inside its head
constructed from wind pipes of large birds, connecting to a room behind
the wall. The snake had levers that could make its head move and stick out
its tongue. Alexander would operate it all from the next room, much like
the humbug wizard pulling the levers behind the curtain to fool Dorothy
and her friends.

The original bronze tablets with the prophecy had been placed there by
Alexander, who had also hidden the baby snake inside an ostrich egg glued
back together.

Alexander ran his scam for many years, until he died at the age of 70 and
his tricks were uncovered. The cult of the snake was strongly denounced by
Greek Epicureans and by some early Christian writers in the Roman Empire.

But whatever became of the pagan snake itself, the collection of moving
paper machr parts that led astray tens of thousands of people? After
exhaustive research, we have discovered the answer.

Many centuries after the death of Alexander of Abonoteichus, his snake
reappeared, but under a new name. In the late twentieth century the
talking snake with the levers and the speaking tubes made a new grand
appearance. 'My name is Peace,' it proclaimed. 'All who desire peace must
come and hear my pronouncements, then follow my commands and obey my

With its tongue flicking in and out, the sounds emerging from its speaking
tubes were no longer Greek, but modern Hebrew. The Peace Snake from the
New Middle East first emerged as a baby from an ostrich egg discovered in
a Norwegian fjord by left-wing Israeli academics, meeting in Oslo with
representatives of the PLO.

Smuggled back to Israel, the miraculous baby snake was displayed to Shimon
Peres by Peres's loyal apostle, Yossi Beilin. Then, right before their
eyes, the snake underwent a metamorphosis, turning into a giant python,
several times larger than any seen before.

'The Peace Messiah has arrived in the form of a giant talking snake,'
Peres happily announced to then-prime minister Yitzhak Rabin. 'All we need
to do is follow its instructions.'

'And what might those be?' asked a skeptical Rabin.

'Just obey it. One must not argue with such a divine creature,' insisted
Peres. 'First, it wants Israel to announce that it accepts the existence
of a "Palestinian people," recognizes their right to their own state, and
agrees to recognize the PLO as its national leadership. Next, Israel must
allow Palestinian terrorists from all over the world to enter the West
Bank and the Gaza Strip, arm themselves, set up militias in the suburbs of
Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, and impose their sovereignty upon the Arabs there.
Then Israel must evict all Jews living in the Gaza Strip and promise to do
the same with the Jews living in Judea and Samaria. Finally, Israel must
bankroll the PLO terrorists and provide them with weapons.'

'The public will never accept this,' objected Rabin.

'Ah but you are wrong,' replied Peres. 'We will simply show them the
talking snake head, proclaiming in Hebrew the emergence of a peaceful New
Middle East. The snake head is charming and comforting. The people will
believe in its pagan magic.'

Rabin was finally sold on the idea.

'Behold the magic snake,' proclaimed Peres to the nation. The snake urged
listeners to accept Peres as its prophet and obey its divinations, as
whispered into Peres's ear. No one seemed to notice that whenever the
snake would speak Hebrew, it was in Peres's Polish accent. Strangely, the
snake head spoke no Arabic at all.

After Rabin was assassinated by a non-believer in the snake, it became all
but impossible to denounce the serpent as a sham. Snake doubters were
rounded up and indicted for incitement. The media fell into line and
broadcast and published the snake's epistles. Virtually no time or space
was allowed for rebuttals from anti-snake dissidents.

The demands of the snake kept escalating. Its message was essentially the
same: 'The highest form of courage is cowardice,' it hissed. 'Capitulation
is the highest form of victory. Weakness is the highest form of strength.
National self-debasement is the highest form of patriotism. Terrorism must
be rewarded. The best way to end war is to pretend it does not exist.'

Since then, Peres has been replaced as the snake's chief oracle by Ehud
Olmert and Ehud Barak. Audiences stand before it with mouths agape as it
hisses through its speaking tubes: 'There is no military solution to the
problems of terrorism. Erecting a Palestinian state is the best assurance
for the achievement of Zionist goals. Talks with Hamas. Negotiate with

And all the while, the Israeli humbugs of defeat pull the levers that make
the serpent writhe and speak, while the media proclaim the miracle of the
talking snake's peace.

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