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Light Beats Neutrinos in Virginia, Elsewhere

Physicists working at the European Center for Nuclear Research in Switzerland concluded once and for all that neutrinos are definitely not faster than the speed of light, preserving Einstein's Theory of Special Relativity that was challenged by earlier experiments., June 11

Everett Collection

Light beat back a challenge from neutrinos in Virginia, other battleground states and the rest of the universe, winning by 0.00000006 of a vote with 94% of the cosmos reporting.

"Today we have shown that life forms, be it on Earth or on Kepler 22b, want light, pure and simple, not a radical overturning of all we hold dear," a hoarse but elated light said to trillions of supporters, if you count the silicon-based ones. As chants of "Ein-stein! Ein-stein! Ein-stein!" rang out in the mild Southern evening and the frigid reaches of intergalactic space, light said the result showed that "most folks, whether three-eyed or two-, are hungry for illumination and cooperation, not partisan bickering and gridlock."

Neutrinos conceded shortly after the European Center for Nuclear Research, or CERN, released its final statement on the matter, and on matter.

"We have just texted light to congratulate it on its hard-fought victory," neutrinos told a solemn crowd, which instantly erupted in boos. "No, no," said neutrinos, zipping back from an identical speech on the moon and holding up the closest thing to a hand. "No, no. That's not who we are. We are gracious in defeat. But this isn't over."

The battle in Virginia, as on Venus, was heavily influenced by outside money, with $6.5 million spent by pro-neutrino groups to unseat light, $5.8 million by pro-light groups to defend it, and 47 zillion valuons by other multicellular organisms to influence the outcome in either direction and, in some cases, in both, as quantum physicists tried to explain.

A withering barrage of television, print, Web and slightly creepy telepathic advertising sought to tie photons to President Barack Obama or neutrinos to anarchy. "Don't let light blind you to the facts," a deep male voice intoned in one, under footage of the headquarters of Solyndra LLC. "The fact is, its policies are bankrupt. It's time to say: Take me to your leader."

Neutrinos, while not Mormon or anything, are unusual, and some observers ascribed their defeat to fear of the unknown. "For a lot of people, you look at them [neutrinos] and their weak interactions, and your reflexive response is 'Yecch,' whether it's warranted or not," said Patricia Fallon, a professor of political science at George Mason University in Fairfax, Va. "You want to see some real mass in a candidate. I'm not saying it's right, but it's a factor."

The bitter race divided friends, neighbors and families. "Me and my sister had a standing date for beer and darts at the roadhouse every Thursday," said Jennifer Cherny, 48, an acupuncturist in Gainesville, Fla. "Not anymore. She started in with the neutrinos, I reacted like you'd expect, and now she's screening my calls. 'Heliocentric,' she called me."

Write to Peter Jeffrey at

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