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How to Deal With an Emotionally Distant Parent

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As you grow older, you begin to notice things about your parent's personalities in a more objective light. And you also begin to notice that your parents are human, and capable of mistakes and negative personality traits, just like every other human. Emotional distance in a parent can be very trying on a young person; when we are young, we reach out for connection so that we can feel safe, learn about our world, and feel supported. Emotionally distant people are less able to fulfill this teaching role as they are often wrapped up in their own problems, hurts, and disappointments. This isn't going to be easy for you as a child but it is worth being understanding, and learning how to take a perspective of your parent's approach to life as their choices and not as something that means terrible consequences for you.


  1. 1
    Understand what is meant by emotionally distant. Signs that your parent might be behaving in an emotionally distant manner include:
    • Not really listening to you
    • Overlaying their version of events onto yours
    • Not expressing their feelings
    • Not validating your feelings
    • Not valuing the open expression of feelings in the home
  2. 2
    Understand that is it not your fault. You are neither the cause nor the reason for why a person chooses to be emotionally distant. Only the person behaving in this manner has responsibility for such a choice. It is not about you; it is about them and their hurts, disappointments, poorly handled choices in life. Until they are ready to face up to the realities and learn to trust others more, they are using distancing as a barrier to protect themselves. You can't change your parent but you can change how you approach an emotionally distant person.
  3. 3
    Assert your own feelings. Your feelings do matter, no matter how your emotionally unavailable parent chooses to see this. Get into the habit of discussing your feelings openly and with assurance even if it appears that your parent is disinterested, indifferent, or even annoyed by it. These are their chosen responses and you can demonstrate that expressing feelings is part of who you are and that you will continue to be this way.
  4. 4
    Keep calm. Shouting, fighting, raising your voice, etc. won't change things but can become a bad, repetitive pattern. An emotionally distant person sadly relies on this very kind of response to keep justifying his or her distancing, as a form of proof that feelings always end up in yelling, shouting, aggression. They might find it easy to respond in kind because the heat of the moment allows them to disown their feelings even more and just rely on hurtful statements drawn from their fight and flight response mechanism rather than their reasoned mind. By refusing to shift from being calm, you create a space of safety, which can sometimes reassure an emotionally distant person enough to open up just a little.
  5. 5
    Be repetitive. Don't be afraid to keep stating points about your feelings, as a form of reinforcement. This is very important where the person you are talking to seems to not hear your message. In doing this, it validates your feelings and puts them out in the open. Even if your parent doesn't react obviously or kindly, you have made your effort at clarifying regularly what your feelings are and that you believe them to be valid.
  6. 6
    Reassure them that you love them. Although you might feel that it isn't worth telling them this, it is. Something deep down inside this emotionally unavailable person will hear and heed this message. And it is a lesson for you to learn that loving challenging people can and does make a difference. It also frees you from invalidating your own worth; by projecting love, you are projecting the solid, caring, and self-assured person you deserve to be.
  7. 7
    Look after your own needs. While it is been suggested here that you do a lot of things to deal with your emotionally unavailable parent, you are really doing a lot to validate your own feelings and grow up a whole and psychologically healthy person. Through asserting your feelings and needs, you are learning to stand up for yourself; by dealing with your parent constructively, you are learning how to deal with the many emotionally distant people you will come across in life in varying contexts. Remind yourself often that you are in charge of your reactions, feelings, and motives and that your parent is in charge of theirs; this is not about trying to change anybody else.
  8. 8
    Seek allies. Sometimes your other parent can be a great ally, although this is not always certain because they too might be caught up in the binds of the relationship, uncertain how to deal with the emotionally unavailable partner. There are always other people who can be a source of support and advice for you, including aunts, uncles, friends, teachers, coaches, church or youth group leaders,

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    • Take care when reaching out to others that you don't let your vulnerabilities lead you into relationships that are dangerous, emotionally unstable, or manipulative. If something doesn't feel right, leave it well alone.
    • If you feel threatened by your parent, seek help immediately. Their anger and inability to control themselves are not your fault and you are not supposed to hang around and get hurt, no matter how much you feel responsible for the situation. It is the angry and hurtful person who is responsible for their behavior and, while many people do not feel this way in the heat of the moment and after years of negative coping habits, getting help can be the very thing that turns around their life.

    Article Info

    Categories: Dealing with Conflict with Parents

    In other languages:

    Español: lidiar con un padre emocionalmente distante, Português: Lidar Com Pais Emocionalmente Distantes

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