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Self-awareness is about knowing and accepting who you are, warts and all, and making the most of your talents. It is also a position from which you feel secure and have healthy self-esteem, allowing you to reach out and help others grow and succeed also. On the other hand, being self-absorbed or self-occupied is the opposite of healthy self-awareness. It is about only thinking of your own needs and wants, pushing away others' needs and identifying only with those people and situations where you will benefit personally. A self-occupied person concentrates only on what will get them what they want, a state that is rarely considerate of other people apart from their usefulness. To some extent, we are all self-occupied at times in our lives. In many cases we learn that it doesn't get us the sense of fulfillment we're seeking and turn back to caring more about others. However, by staying self-occupied most of the time, you risk alienating people and only ever putting yourself first. If this is happening to you this article could be helpful.



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    Consider if you aren't happy when others are receiving attention or praise. If so this may be because you're self-occupied.
    • Are you not interested in other people's interests, lives and opinions? Do you switch off when they start talking about themselves?
    • Do people think of you as charming and attractive when they first know you but then eventually keep their distance? A self-absorbed person is often able to win over others initially through charm but people will see through this eventually and feel drained rather than impressed.
    • Think about how you treat feelings. Do you sometimes put your own feelings before others, including those who are close to you? Putting your feelings first all of the time can make other people feel that their own feelings and problems don't matter. Eventually this wears thin with people around you; the self-occupied person is not always a reliable or considerate confidant.
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    Assess how you view other people. Are you prone to taking an attitude that that you know better or more than other people? Are close people in your life never good enough for you, while you're "too good" for them? This in spite of things they have done for you and the care they've given? A sense of being superior is arrogance and it alienates people quickly. By assuming that other people are not as worthy as you, you're effectively cutting yourself off. Perhaps you do this from a sense of vulnerability or because you're exaggerating bad past experiences; whatever the reason, feeling superior is a sure sign of self absorption.
    • Consider how you view your own problems and needs. Are you always convinced that your problems and needs are greater and more important than others? Do you feel that unless a resolution to your problems is immediate, you might not cope? It is self-occupation to expect other people to give your problems and needs priority over anything else. It is self absorbed to continually air what is worrying and upsetting you, forgetting that other people suffer hardships and problems as well.

    • Do you blame other people if things do not turn out correctly? Do you think other people have failed to meet your needs? Blaming others is a common feature of self-occupied people as they never think they are wrong and would never make amends or admit errors.
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    Figure out how you like to get things done. A self absorbed person tends to assume that his or her way is the only way of doing things. Any deviation is treated as a personal affront, failing to recognize that there are often many ways to achieve the same outcome. Do you harbor a belief that you have the only one, right way of doing things? If so, you might be stuck in a narrow mindset that causes others to be frustrated.
    • Do you try to win over everyone else around by setting unrealistic goals? If you engross yourself around the clock in goals that are impossible to achieve, then you can be considered self-absorbed.
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    • Do you set "standards" for who should be allowed to talk to you or your partner, child, sibling or anyone else over whom you feel you "have control"?
    • Do you make dramatic jumps to conclusions about other people not caring for you when they don't dance to your tune or do things your way? This is manipulative and a falsification of their feelings. Putting words, thoughts and feelings into the mouths of others is a way of justifying your self-absorbed approach to everything, as it gives no space to consider the other people's true motivations and constraints. Only yours matter.
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    Consider whether you like to steal the glory. Does the thought of acknowledging the role others have played in your successes cause you to shudder in disgust? Are you always ready to take all the credit for achievements without making it clear who else counted, thereby bathing yourself in personal glory? Having to be applauded above all other people and seeking to cover up their involvement in your success is self-absorption and won't win you any friends or fans.
    • Information hoarding can be a sign of self-absorption. If you have a belief that you will only stay in a position of total authority or power over others by not sharing information, this might be a sign of being self-absorbed. It's also a dangerous way to behave in the Information Age, when sharing information is considered a priority.
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    Rediscover self-love and conquer self-absorption. Facing being self-absorbed isn't easy. In fact, it's downright confronting and scary and it's liable to make you feel defensive initially, especially since self-absorption is often a defensive response in itself to past hurts or letdowns. Nevertheless, it's unhealthy to let negative past events continue to build an impenetrable fortress around you. You have a responsibility to yourself to live a life less hamstrung by perfectionism, fear and drama.
    • Forgive yourself. Recognizing alienating, growth-stifling and controlling personality traits isn't fun and facing them requires courage. By forgiving yourself first of all, you begin to regain some power over the defense mechanism you've adopted and you can start to see your behaviors more objectively, enabling you to pick and choose better personality traits from here on.
    • Realize that many, if not all, people suffer in life at some point in time. It is about how you choose to respond to that suffering that matters, for you cannot prevent suffering from occurring again.
    • Let other people talk about themselves for a change. And listen with very open ears and heart. Actually allow yourself to absorb what they're telling you rather than shutting down and waiting for the next gap to insert your own opinions. And learn to calm your sense of being defensive when they open up and tell you how your controlling and self-absorbed ways hurt them. Thank them for their insight rather than avoiding or arguing with them.
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    • Perhaps seek help through therapy. If you have a strong need for approval, validation or attention and you can't put your finger on why you're so driven, therapy may help you to sort through the issues from the past that caused you to feel this way.
    • Seek anger treatment if relevant. If you find yourself becoming angry when you don't get your own way or things don't turn out as you want them to, then anger management is essential to help you live a happier, less controlling life. Remember, you cannot control most things but trying to do so can leave you bitter, resentful and injured.
    • Catch yourself when you start over-dramatizing or being manipulative. Forgive yourself but don't repeat the behavior. Apologize to anyone if necessary; people will see that you're trying to reform and will be more inclined to support your change of ways.
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    • Learn the difference between high self-esteem and high self-absorption. Lean toward building your self-esteem and corralling your self-absorption.
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  • When you save your energy only for yourself, and do not care for others, you will have a boring life and won't get asked to things that matter.
  • Read books about increasing self-esteem, managing anger, being patient and the like. Other people have been here before you, you're not alone and there are many resources to draw on.
  • Do not be afraid to cry. Crying is not a sign of losing control; it's a sign that you're human and have limits that have been breached. Crying can be very cathartic, enabling you to move on from whatever has brought it on.
  • Self-occupation can turn into this disorder if continued with and indulged in excessively.


  • Don't be surprised if people set up boundaries around you and choose to spend as little time in your presence as possible. This is a standard coping mechanism because non self-absorbed people know they cannot change you. Take their absence as a sign that your self-absorption has become all too much for them.

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Categories: Assertiveness & Self Esteem | Pages with broken file links

Recent edits by: Lribeiro, Jordan, Claire Fransis

In other languages:

Español: Cómo saber si eres ensimismado, Italiano: Come Capire se Sei Egocentrico, Português: Como Saber Se Você É Egocêntrico, Русский: определить, что вы эгоист


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