What your preschooler knows — and needs to know

Preschoolers are too young to understand the social meaning of race the way adults do. But they do notice physical differences. Don't be surprised when you hear your child comparing his skin color to others' — it's a source of fascination. Most comments preschoolers make about appearance are innocent — they're simply describing what they see.

At this age, although kids clearly identify themselves and others by gender, they don't yet do it by race. They're simply not developmentally able to categorize in this way. A 2- to 4-year-old who notes a difference in color doesn't understand that difference as race. Kids don't understand that their own skin color is permanent until they're about 4 1/ 2, according to Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? author Donna Jackson Nakazawa.

As with other tough topics, it helps to talk to your child early and often about racial diversity. How you respond to his curiosity will lay the groundwork for more sophisticated conversations as he gets older. Embarrassment or silence gives your child the impression that the topic is off-limits or that a bigoted remark is accurate and acceptable to you. Children look to their parents for moral cues, and they'll learn from your actions as well as your words.

How to talk about race with your preschooler

Expose your child to people of all shades. Before your preschooler even utters the words "black" or "white" in reference to skin color, be sure he sees plenty of people of different ethnicities. If you don't live in a racially diverse area, surround him with children's books and artwork featuring people of various races. All of this will help your child understand that a normal environment includes people of different races, says Marguerite Wright, author of I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children.

Talk about differences. Hair, skin, eyes — preschoolers are noticing all these distinctions and beginning to describe them. It's normal. If your child points out that someone has curly hair, you can say, "Some people have curly hair, some people have straight hair — isn't that great?"

Don't overreact to comments on race. If your child comments on someone's color, first find out what he's really saying and why. When one BabyCenter mom's 3-year-old son noted in public, "That's a black man," she momentarily panicked. Then he said, "That's not a blue man," making her realize he was talking about the man's uniform, not his skin. (If your child inadvertently offends an adult, Wright suggests explaining to the person that your child is learning his colors.)

And when your child makes an observation that is clearly about skin color ("Eve's mom is white"), don't freak out. Just say, "That's right. What made you think about that?" Whatever the context, don't read too much into it. "A preschooler hasn't attached emotional or social meaning to skin color yet," says Wright. "It's just what he's seeing."

Case in point: Marcela Gomez's 4-year-old daughter, Paula, described her classmate Diego as the "cute boy with the round cheeks, skin just like mine, but chocolate." As far as little Paula was concerned, there was a difference in skin shades, but it was trivial.

Stick to the facts. When preschoolers ask questions about differences in skin color, keep your answers to the point. ("Addison's skin is brown, and yours is lighter. But you both wear ponytails, don't you?")

Don't overdo it. Though it's good to talk openly about differences, avoid placing too much emphasis on race. Preschoolers are too young to process the complexities of racial issues. Let the topic come up naturally and keep the conversation at your child's level.

Watch your words. Do you or other adults in your child's life tend to refer to people in terms of their race — "that black lady" or "that white man"? If so, your child will pick up on the habit. In the rare instance that a preschooler makes a negative racial comment, it usually reflects something he's heard at home or in school. "To reduce people to their race diminishes them," says Wright. Instead, call people by their names, not their skin color, and teach your child to do likewise.

Aim for "color fairness," not "color blindness." If you don't acknowledge differences, you fail to prepare your child to live in a multiethnic society. The message should be that "your ethnicity is part of who you are," says Wright, "and you treat everybody fairly, equally." We're all different, but no color is better than another.