How to Transcend & Transform Conflict

by Jill Leviticus

Conflict at home or work can tear apart relationships and make resolving common issues impossible. Conflict can arise when people disagree over motivations, perceptions, value, desires or ideas. These differences can cause tempers to flare and can lead to lingering feelings of resentment and anger even after the argument ends. Learning a few conflict-resolution skills can help you transform a conflict into a positive discussion about your differences in opinion and result in a solution that satisfies everyone.

1. Stay calm when a conflict occurs. This isn't always easy and will take some practice. If you can't stay calm, temporarily leave the room until you can continue the conversation without becoming angry or emotional.

2. Understand what is at stake. Letting a conflict get out of hand can irreparably damage a relationship with a spouse, romantic partner or coworker. Before you utter one angry or hurtful sentence, take a moment to consider the harm that those words could do to your relationship with the other person.

3. Listen to the other person's concerns without interrupting and restate his point of view in your own words. Restating ensures that you truly understand the situation and can help in reassuring the other person that you are taking his concerns seriously.

4. State your point of view about the problem clearly and concisely. Stick to the facts of the conflict and avoid accusations about behavior or intention that could inflame the situation.

5. Keep the conversation on track. If the other person brings up an issue that happened last year, explain that you want to focus only on the current issues. Bringing up old problems that have nothing to do with the current problem can derail any chance of effectively resolving the conflict.

6. Solve one problem before you tackle the next problem. Dealing with several areas of conflict at one time can be overwhelming and may cause frustration and anger. Agree to resolve one issue before discussing other issues that are causing problem in your home or work relationship.

7. Ask the other person for her suggestions regarding solving the conflict and offer your own. If either of you are becoming too emotional, suggest that you discuss the problem again in a few hours after you have had time to consider all points of view.


  • Conflicts can occur if you have different personality or values than the other person. Try to understand the problem from the other person's point of view when attempting to find solutions to the conflict.
  • Solving conflicts requires compromise. If you value the relationship, you may have to settle for a solution that involves both of you making a sacrifice for the good of the relationship.


  • Don't let small problems fester. Discuss issues when they are still small annoyances and haven't yet developed into a full-fledged conflict. Solving small problems is much easier than solving complex problems and isn't as likely to involve strong emotions that can complicate conflict resolution.

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