63 Funny Votes
13 Die Votes
Published: February 29, 2012
Description: Statistics show that those with cell phones are 47% more likely to text while driving.

A recent study has shed new light on the types of people caught texting while driving. Texting while driving, one of the newest traffic violations for many states, has been shown to trend among certain specific people.  According to this study, people caught texting while driving were 47% more likely to own a cellular device.  A cellular device, more commonly known as a cell phone, is an electronic device that can be purchased at an electronic store, and it enables people to make phone calls to other people or enact in the now more popular activity known as texting.  Some cell phones even go as far as to allow the user to take videos, play games, and take pictures all rolled into one device.  This study asked each person in the state of New York who was pulled over for texting while driving whether or not they owned a cell phone.  The results indicated that 100% of people texting while driving did, indeed, own a cell phone while 0% did not.  We asked texting while driving offender Guido Valderamavinvechhio, a Staten Island native, why he thought there was such a dramatic difference in the percentage of those offenders who owned a cell phone and those who didn't.  Valderamavinvechhio was pulled over on the highway for trying to text a girl that he was "laughing his ass off" at her previous text.  He responded, "Man, they got me with this fine for talkin' to the girls, tryin' to hook up the plans for the night.  I'm on the way home to the house after goin' to the gym, my muscles bulging, my tan is burnin', I'm on fire right now.  I gotta text some chicks, get pulled over.  Damn."  After we repeated the original question and asked for an actual answer, he responded, "Well, quite obviously it is impossible for those without cellular devices to text since it is utterly necessary for a cellular device to send and receive text messages.  Therefore, a person without a cellular device cannot text while driving if he can never text in the first place."  Obviously this man was clearly incoherent and had no idea what he was talking about in either answer.  The experts from the study tell us that the results truly display a warning to people everywhere, if you own a cell phone you are at risk for texting while driving.  So to avoid this there is a simple solution: don't own a cell phone.  You learn something new everyday.    

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