

Fear of Intimacy: A Common Relationship Obstacle

How to Recognize and Deal With a Fear of Intimacy

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If a fear of intimacy prevents you from having meaningful relationships, you’re not alone. Find out how to overcome this emotional hurdle...

Romantic relationships between two adults can be complicated, and when you add a fear of intimacy to the mix, you may as well consider it over before it even had a chance to start.

A fear of intimacy, often characterized by a distrust of people or an aversion to letting people get too close emotionally, is something that affects many adults and hinders them from forming healthy personal relationships with other people.

Here are some reasons why people develop a fear of intimacy, and what can be done to close the gap between yourself and the person you love.

Why You Fear Intimacy 
Sometimes people who are in relationships each have unresolved issues that complement each other.
For example, a woman may struggle to create more intimacy in her relationship, which causes the man to need more distance because he feels he's being smothered or that his personal space is being invaded. 

It's common to encounter a mild aversion or trepidation when entering a new relationship. After all, no one wants to get hurt, and it's wise to be cautious with your heart.

But those with a fear of emotional intimacy take those feelings to another level and actually push people away in order to avoid becoming close to them. 

"Intimacy is risky because it requires making such a serious commitment to the relationship, that each person will experience a sense of dependency on the other," says Kal Heller, a licensed psychologists whose specializes in child and family services.
To admit to needing someone else is to risk loss and deep hurt.

"This is difficult for all of us," Heller says. "Dependency is a negative concept in our society. Men, especially, are taught to strive for independence."

Fear of intimacy symptoms are apparent in adults, but the road that led to the problem began in early childhood. All of us have baggage, whether it's from childhood events or bad relationships, but for some people those traumas become more deep-seated and they cause them to push others away. 

Each of us copes in different ways and ideally, we have healthy coping mechanisms that allow us to grieve for our losses in a healthy way, chalking it up as life experience and important lessons learned along the way. But not everyone can do that.

Instead, some people create unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as avoiding intimacy in order to not get hurt again. Sadly, for some, the fear of being hurt or abandoned by someone they develop a close relationship with can easily overshadow their need or want to develop a meaningful relationship.
Sarah Anderson, a psychologist who specializes in couples counseling, says that for people with intimacy issues, it's easier to avoid love or creating serious relationships than it is to deal with possible pain and heartbreak if the relationship turns out the way they feared.

Fear of Intimacy Symptoms
For women, a fear of intimacy can be expressed through symptoms of depression, according to a study published in The International Journal of Descriptive and Experimental Psychopathology, Phenomenology and Psychiatric Diagnosis.

“Fearful attachment has been associated with depressive symptoms. While preoccupied attachment denotes a focus on relationships as a source of self-validation, fearful attachment involves an avoidance of relationships for fear of rejection,” the journal reports.

The study found that fear of intimacy issues were commonly found in women suffering from depression, but those same issues weren't present in men with the condition.
Of course, that may not be the case with all women. Generally, women who have fear of intimacy issues also tend to have poor self-esteem, especially when it comes to their physical appearance.

Another telling symptom in both men and women is whether or not they have had a serious relationship by the time they're an adult.

Those with a fear of intimacy also tend to push the people they're interested in away, without giving the relationship a chance to develop.

It's difficult for a person with these issues to develop a strong emotional bond with another person because they're terrified of being hurt or rejected. So they push people away to avoid rejection.

Also, the severity of the intimacy issues depended on the severity of the depression.
The study found that women with attachment issues, such as a fear of intimacy and rejection, were often associated with a broad spectrum of depressive symptoms.

Treating Fear of Intimacy
Is there hope for those with a fear of intimacy? Yes, with work.

If you're dating a person who has problems with intimacy, chances are you can't get him or her to seek help because, as with other self-destructive behaviors, you can't help a person unwilling to help themselves.

Also, the idea of getting someone to get help for a relationship they're already pushing away from can be tricky.

Oftentimes, people who have an emotional fear of intimacy don’t realize they have a problem, or if they do, they're not ready to take the steps necessary to change their life.
"Overcoming a fear of intimacy isn’t easy; it takes a lot of soul searching, prioritizing your wants and needs in life and dealing with painful events from your past, maybe even as far back as your childhood," Anderson says. "It’s a daunting task."

If you're married to a person who struggles with these types of problems, seek marriage counseling. It can be beneficial to both people in the relationship, even if only one person is struggling with intimacy issues.

If you can get the person with an emotional fear of intimacy to understand why they have these issues and where they come from, it will help them realize that pushing their spouse away isn't acceptable and that it's also perpetuating a destructive cycle.

Being married to a person with these issues can take an emotional toll on the healthy partner who's trying to create intimacy or an open environment - only to be rejected and pushed away.
Counseling can prove to be helpful to the partner who doesn't have a fear of intimacy.

"When couples face these fears with the help of a therapist, it's often amazing how they can make changes that result in increased intimacy," Heller says. "They may arrange to go to bed at the same time, find a way to have an occasional meal alone, talk to each other more frequently, make love more frequently, stop allowing children to dominate their marriage, or simply admit they really need and want each other."

Fear of intimacy can affect people from all walks of life, and can prove to be destructive to relationships and hurtful to people who genuinely love and care for those with intimacy issues.

It's important for those with a fear of intimacy to realize their self-worth and do the work necessary in order to learn how to express their feelings to the people who have stood by them, despite being pushed away.
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