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Etiquette 101: China

Maybe you picture China as a traditional Asian culture beholden to obscure rules of etiquette. Forget it. "There's a greater difference between Americans and Japanese than Americans and Chinese," says former Washington Post Beijing bureau chief John Pomfret, whose book Chinese Lessons traces the lives of five of his Nanjing University classmates from the 1980s to China's hyperkinetic present. Indeed, the Chinese are remarkably free of behavioral taboo, though beneath the easygoing attitude runs a century of upheavals—one of which, the Cultural Revolution, decreed that "being polite was counterrevolutionary," in the words of James McGregor, a Beijing-based consultant who wrote One Billion Customers, about business strategies in the country's New Economy. Then, of course, came a new, capitalist revolution and economic growth that left the country reeling, with few moral or cultural traditions to fall back on. One traveler calls today's China "the most individualistic society I have ever seen, with zero sense of community or volunteerism." But considering what they've been through, you have to cut them some slack. If you can (and you stick to the rules they do have), you might find you've got a lot in common with the inhabitants of that large, prosperous country on the other side of the world.


A country that's only recently opened its doors, China is a nation of diners out. The most common and traditional form of feasting is the storied banquet—less formal than in decades past but still hewing to some basic rules you'd best be acquainted with. It may just mean the difference between an awkward meal with strangers and the launch pad for a new venture.

PART I: Rules of the Banquet

The host will always take a central seat opposite the door, and his place setting will usually be adorned with a specially folded napkin, perhaps in the shape of a tall cone.

The secondary host (as at a business dinner with clear hierarchies) usually sits opposite the main host or in an analogous place at another table.

Guests are arrayed, sometimes by rank, to the right of the host, with interpreters interspersed as needed. Reporter James Traub once wrote a piece revolving around his misunderstanding of this basic rule. He was offended when the Chinese ambassador to the United Nations refused to sit facing him, only later realizing that negotiators sit side by side.

Dishes are almost always ordered communally and shared. In formal situations, the food will generally have been ordered in advance.

Often, food will be placed on your plate by solicitous hosts, using either a larger pair of communal chopsticks or the fat ends of their own chopsticks. If you don't like what they've given you, just move it around on your plate.

Toasts are usually given on every sip of alcohol—first by the principal host, then by the principal guest, and down the line of rank.

In polite company, teacups (like business cards) are handled with both hands.

There won't be much lingering after the last course. Your host will say something to the effect of "You must be so tired." That's your cue. Unless, that is, you're moving on to karaoke.

PART II: General Rules of Eating

The Chinese eat at very set hours: Lunch is at noon, dinner at six. So don't stray too far in scheduling a meal. "You don't suggest meeting for dinner at eight or they'd be crawling to the restaurants," says Chris Klein, a diplomat who was posted in China for years.

Klein managed to negotiate in Chinese as part of the North Korea six-party talks but says he still has trouble deciphering menus. McGregor suggests you "feel free to walk around the room and look at what other people are eating and point to it—in a fun, jovial manner." Which brings us to our next point…

Unlike their neighbors across the Sea of Japan, the Chinese don't stand on ceremony. You'll see enthusiastic soup-slurping, bones left on the table, and toothpicks all around. Nevertheless, take care to eat with your mouth closed (not always easy when devouring chicken feet or shell-on shrimp with chopsticks), and don't burp.

In less formal situations, where it isn't necessarily clear who's hosting, expect to have some tussles over the check. Even if you're clearly hosting, you'll have to insist several times, over your guest's objections. A simpler way out is to pull a waiter aside while your host is in the bathroom.

"Always eat what you're offered, but never finish it," says Maarten Troost, author of the recent Lost on Planet China. "If you clean your plate, it will mean the host has not provided you with enough food."

Actually, you don't always have to eat what you're offered, but you might have to wriggle your way out of it—wriggle being the operative word. "The best bit for a Chinese person might be the worst for foreigners, like offal and rubbery pieces," says Fuchsia Dunlop, author of several cookbooks on regional Chinese cuisine and, most recently, Shark's Fin and Sichuan Pepper: A Sweet-Sour Memoir of Eating in China. Tales of rat, civet, and donkey penis are exaggerated, but not as much as you'd think. No one will insist that, as a foreigner, you eat it all, but a bigger problem for Dunlop is ethical: Often the most endangered foods are the most expensive—shark's fin soup and bear claws and such—and your hosts might proudly insist. Gently make your objections clear early on. "I just try and talk about the issues before I even get to the restaurant," says Dunlop. As a last resort, feign an allergy.

Forks are often available, but if you suspect they won't be, don't ask. Your hosts will lose face if forced to concede they can't offer what you want.

PART III: Drinking, or Banquet Fever

For a country with a high number of non-drinkers, China is notorious for bouts of overindulging that can sometimes catch foreigners unawares. This dichotomy has everything to do with the tradition of toasting with every gulp. For a wine drinker surrounded by teetotalers, this might mean never being able to finish a single glass. For someone unaccustomed to hard liquor, it could be shot after shot of something less than appetizing, with all sorts of negative consequences. Dunlop tells of a friend in sales who had to leave China following a diagnosis of "banquet fever"—evidently a common occupational hazard. It's even worse in the provinces, where the travel writer Peter Hessler (Oracle Bones) was quartered with the Peace Corps. Despite frequent admonitions from group leaders, one member was evacuated from a town known for its drinking, after which the Peace Corps itself stopped sending volunteers there. A few guidelines for avoiding their fate:

Know what you're drinking: Wherever you go, whatever your reasons for visiting, you'll be offered baijiu or, if you're lucky, a high-end distilled wine called mao-tai.Baijiu is a grain alcohol, like rough grappa but stronger, that throws even the die-hard Sinophiles quoted in this story for a loop. A few descriptions they've offered: "moonshine," "firewater," "vile," "tastes like grass clippings," "you'll taste it for a week." Increasingly, red wine is being drunk in the bigger cities and is quite trendy, but some Chinese will mix it with Coke. Mao-tai with green tea is also popular.

Know how to get out of drinking it: Claim an illness or an allergy: The Chinese will always understand, as many are allergic themselves.

Start Weak, Finish Strong: It's best to abstain early in the evening rather than to refuse shots later on. Just make sure you have a few drinks at some point with the most important colleagues or hosts. It'll come off as a polite concession, where an early cutoff might seem like weakness or distrust.

Reach for the beer: For obvious reasons, this will go down smoother in short drafts.

Be a Woman: They're not expected to drink, or to drink as much. Peer pressure on women to keep pace will not be nearly as strong.

Have a drinking buddy: The two of you can probably split the shots between you. "When someone tries to give both of you a shot," says Hessler, "you can try to take turns to minimize the damage."

Have a drinking stand-in: "I bring along a young person who can drink like a fish, and make him my designated drinker," says McGregor.

PART IV: The Impending Rise of the Dinner Party

By the time you read this, dinner parties may be far more common. Kathryn Scott, wife of the noted artist Wenda Gu, is an interior designer who just opened an office in Shanghai. She finds that the Chinese closed-door policy is starting to break down—at least at the top. "People are building big, expensive homes," she says. "They have a huge amount of money, and they want everyone to see it." But even the dinners that take place today are hardly the standard Western affair, according to Klein:

"There's not a cocktail hour beforehand. You either sit at the table immediately or it's buffet style and you arrive and the food's out."

"There's usually some beer on the table. People do get trashed in certain circumstances, but at most of the private dinner parties I've been to, it's a couple of beers and that's it."

"People try to have as many dishes as possible, the widest variety"—in essence, to re-create a banquet. "They want to show bounty, they want to show that they have meat. I love noodles and dumplings, but that's peasant food to them. When they have you over, it's pork dishes and a beautiful, elaborate fish with the head still on."


PART I: What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About China

China isn't exactly an open society, but it's more open than you'd think. Political opinion, though tempered, is often clearly expressed when government officials aren't around. If anything, such subjects are frequently met not with fear but with indifference. "Only people in government are concerned with politics," says Gu. "Who cares who the president is? Who cares who the chairman is? It doesn't matter. The average person feels that life is getting better, and they're happy." There are two general areas, however, where you should tread very lightly: issues involving national integrity and matters of potentially painful history. But even there, it's a sliding scale.


  1. Sino-Japanese relations—never compare China and Japan.

  2. Taiwan.

  3. Tibet.

  4. The Falun Gong—and religious and human rights in general.

  5. Tiananmen Square—though knowledge and criticism of the event varies widely depending on proximity to Beijing.

  6. Anything disparaging about Chinese cleanliness or manners.

  7. The Cultural Revolution—or what their family went through during this or any of Mao's disastrous campaigns. "You just never know where the minefields are," says Klein. Even the Boxer Rebellion can be a tricky subject.

  8. The question "How many children do you have?" There's still a one-child policy—no need to draw attention to it when you're engaging in small talk about your families.

    PART II: How to Approach Sensitive Topics

    Anything aside from these topics—and even some of these, if you're really getting to know someone—is fair game. But there's a definite art to expressing your curiosity. "Political opinions are not generally given," says Hessler, who had to solicit them often in reporting his two books, River Town and Oracle Bones. He remembers asking a woman in front of the environmentally devastating Three Gorges Dam what she thought of it. She said it was fantastic. "Then I asked, 'What do other people think of the dam?' She said, 'Other people are upset by this; they think that the landscape has been ruined.'" The "other people" gambit is equally handy in expressing your own opinions concerning China, about which its citizens are especially sensitive. Start off by professing your own neutrality—or better yet, ignorance. Emphasize how little information you have on the subject. "National pride is a sensitive issue," says Gu.


    Education: "People are very proud, and they take education super-super-seriously" says Klein. The first thing they'll say about their children is where they're studying; the first serious favor they'd ask from a Westerner would be helping them study abroad. "One of the first questions out of anyone's mouth is 'Where did you study?' because they're just dying to hear you say that you went to Harvard or Yale," says Klein. Even if you didn't, they'll want to hear about whatever education you've had—particularly in the provinces, where a bachelor's degree is no mean feat.

    Ancient history: The more you know about China—and the more you can say about it, pre-1850—the better. History is even the stuff of a current pop culture craze: In 2005 there was a reality show to choose actors for a movie based on the eighteenth-century classic Dream of the Red Chamber. A year later, an academic analysis of Confucius's Analects (written 479-221 B.C.) had a print run of 600,000.

    PART III: About Face: 5 Don'ts and 5 Do's

    Face is paramount in China. We know what it means to lose face and to save it, but what about giving, receiving, or preserving it? Even in neo-capitalist China, the most important commodity—and one infinitely more complex than money—is face. It's something you're likely to encounter in every interaction, whether you're dealing with a concierge, a party official, or a business contact. "When face confronts truth in China, truth loses," says Scott Seligman, businessman and author of Chinese Business Etiquette. "That's one of the reasons foreigners sometimes perceive the Chinese as not honest with them. Because this is such a powerful concept, it really trumps everything else."

    DON'T lose your composure by getting angry or by becoming emotional in other ways. Anger costs face on both sides, and more important, it won't get you anywhere. The object of your anger is likely to shut down and refuse to help. Tears don't work either. Dunlop remembers being in the countryside for two exhausting weeks and breaking down before her hosts during an exhausting series of introductions around town. They became furious with her for costing them face in front of their neighbors.

    DON'T assume "yes" means yes. Or "maybe," or any other answer. A refusal costs the refuser face. "You have to read between the lines," says one food writer who lived in Beijing. Most often you'll hear, "It's inconvenient" or suggestions of various other solutions."?'I'll look into it' is not a very good sign," says Klein. And pushing for a no will only make you come off as, well, pushy. It's best to work together after being refused—a table, a project, etc.—to come up with an alternate solution that preserves face for both parties.

    DON'T say no in public, regardless of how odd the request. If an associate asks you to get his daughter into an American college, pull him aside and explain why not—privately. The same goes for dressing down an employee or complaining about lackluster service.

    DON'T heatedly disagree in front of peers. The sorts of political debates that are standard dinner-party stuff in the West would be humiliating to a Chinese person surrounded by friends or colleagues. It's best to address serious concerns or disagreements in private.

    DON'T tease or denigrate someone—or the institution he represents, or China—too quickly. It's not that they're missing a sense of humor, it's their sensitivity to grumbles, even meant ironically, that might be construed as face-losing.

    DO use flattery, within reason, particularly in front of your acquaintances' colleagues. "Be effusive in your praise," Troost recommends.

    DO tip, but in private. Though tipping is officially forbidden, "I've never had a tip refused," says Seligman. "But do it discreetly." It doesn't necessarily add face. "If he wants to get his face enhanced, he'll tell people. Let him take care of that."

    DO apologize, even if you don't mean it, particularly when you've hit on a topic—such as national pride—that touches directly on face. Sometimes, says McGregor, the Chinese will "try to act very superior to you, but they're feeling very vulnerable. If you're not wrong, still apologize. If they're trying to screw you, say, 'This must be a misunderstanding.' Be yourself, but be humble. If you're a foreigner, who cares about face?" Anger, though rarely expressed, is sometimes used strategically among the Chinese. Take it in stride.

    DO use intermediaries, whether in criticism or praise. If your tour guide has been exceptional, telling her boss will greatly enhance her face. If they've done a bad job, they'd rather take the hit from the boss than hear it from you within earshot of others. Sometimes even your employee is best approached through intermediaries. McGregor learned from an employee's cousin that the man was concerned about his status at the office. McGregor reassured him, via his cousin, and face was preserved on all sides.

    DO use laughter to defuse a situation—whether bargaining, arguing, or refusing a request. It's something the Chinese do frequently when they're uncomfortable. "It should not be read as meaning you've done something embarrassing or humiliating," says Seligman. He once fell down the stairs in a Chinese department store. "Nobody helped me up, but several people laughed at me. It was a nervous response to a dicey situation." It didn't really help in the moment, but it's worth remembering that you shouldn't take offense.


    To appropriate the old saying about America, the business of China is business. And more likely than not, that's what brings Westerners to China these days. It's also an area of Chinese culture that demands a bit more attention to protocol.

    PART I: The Business Meeting

    Chinese meetings aren't nearly as structured as those in, say, Japan, but they bear a resemblance, with certain rules that should be respected.

    Always, always show up on time. Try to be five minutes early if you can. If traffic delays you, always call. Even when they come early, the Chinese tend to call to let you know they've arrived.

    Handle business cards with both hands, never write on them, and give them a conspicuous amount of attention. Say something nice about them.

    Cold water is rarely available, and a bit alien to Chinese culture. So if you get tepid or hot water, don't ask for cold water. It's not a mistake.

    Use honorifics whenever possible, especially when dealing with government officials. It's more important to know someone's title than to know his or her name. And feel free to drop the vice from their title when referring to them.

    Whoever has the floor speaks—sometimes only the two principals in the meeting. Subordinates talk only when called upon, or while offering the briefest of interjections. And silence isn't necessarily an invitation for others to talk. "The Chinese are much more comfortable than we are with silence," says Seligman. "If you keep filling it in because it makes you nervous, you don't learn anything."

    PART II: How to Make Guanxi and Influence People

    Guanxi can be translated variously as relationships or connections, and it's a little of both, but—and this is an important distinction—it doesn't necessarily mean friendships. It's simply a way of getting things accomplished in an until-recently very poor country laden with bureaucratic hurdles, where well-placed calls to government officials are not just the work of lobbyists (or "consultants," as they're known in China) but often the only way to get even the most mundane transactions off the ground. You'll be cultivating these relationships in China whether you like it or not.


    A majority of business deals are cemented over dinner—and not the first or second one, either; such relationships take time to nurture. In the meantime, two core qualities will help you immensely: patience and thoughtfulness. "It starts with remembering their names, which I find particularly challenging in Chinese," says Klein. But it extends to knowing where people went to school, where they're from, where their children go to school, and whether they've ever been abroad. Small talk will get you everywhere.


    For extra credit, associates might take you out to karaoke, a major pastime in China. A few things to bear in mind:

    There will be hostesses. You're unlikely to be taken to shady spots where actual hanky-panky occurs—though they are a part of the business culture—but even the most aboveboard establishments will provide women to serve up drinks and conversation in between songs. It's not necessarily anything seedy, just part of the evening.

    Take it seriously. There'll be lots of laughs, but karaoke is not the irony-laden campfest it is here. "When the Chinese person comes up to sing karaoke, he's not doing it to be funny," says Troost. "He's doing it to demonstrate his prowess as a singer. They have a preference for love ballads. You should praise them."

    Don't drink (at least not heavily) and deal. Most business travelers agree that drinking can be a way to throw you off balance during negotiations. Keeping your control will not only preserve face, it will ensure that you don't sign anything without due consideration. And if you don't feel you can do that, put the signing off for another day.

    PART III: Beware of Guanxi Bearing Gifts

    Gift exchange is an essential aspect of building connections, and should be handled delicately.

    It's best to have someone call ahead to the company you're meeting with and ask an assistant if they plan on exchanging gifts. Such advance notice is perfectly acceptable as a way of avoiding the awkward situation of one-sided gift-giving.

    Gifts with a personal touch are nice, but don't overthink it. Good examples: a book containing photos of your hometown, a ceremonial plate, or better yet—when the occasion merits—a nice bottle of scotch, regardless of whether your colleague drinks. The point, says Dunlop, is to give "something branded that will look good on a cabinet even if they don't like it." In case they regift it, which is not uncommon, just make sure of two things: that it has nice, preferably showy packaging, and—possibly more challenging—that it's not made in China.

    If a newfound "old friend" (a Chinese term loaded with irony) offers an unusually elaborate gift, you can be reasonably certain that a request for a large favor is in the offing—even something completely personal, like a call on a connection back in the United States to help with travel abroad. "There'll be a payback time," says Dunlop. "Sometimes it's difficult, but I would refuse." A good way of doing that is to state that company policy forbids it—whether or not that's true.

    Be careful, in turn, of giving elaborate gifts to government officials; this might be construed as bribery. Recent scandals have made the government particularly sensitive to corruption. In fact, it might be best to hire a reputable consultant to do the government cultivating for you. They'll have the connections and the understanding of bureaucracy to get things going. Once the connection is made, appointments can be hammered out and banquets attended.

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