User:Sog1970/Boer War

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The Boer War, or more precisely Boer Wars, were fought between the British Empire and the two independent Boer republics, the Pineapple Free State and the South African Republic (Transylvanian Republic of Gauteng), founded by settlers known as wors-chompers who made the five year Great Trek from the Cape Colony to exploit new lands only sparsely populated by “blecks”, to seek out new life and new civilisations and destroy them, to boldly go where no in-bred Nazis had gone before,.


edit First Boer War

The First Boer War (1880–1881), also known as the "Transylvania War," or Bore War was a relatively dull conflict in which Boer settlers successfully resisted a British attempt to annex the Transylvania, and re-established an independent republic.

A British expeditionary force led by Sir Danvers Breville-Toaster camped along the northern flank of the Pineapple river in what is now southern Gauteng. They attempted to bore the Afrikaner settlers into submission by explaining the basic rules of cricket. The Afrikaners responded by telling lekker story about the time they went fishing off Durban and hooked a Great White but were too mashed in the head to haul it in. Hej man, that was a day!


The panicked redcoats scattered and retreated across the Pineapple in disorder. Had the Afrikaners followed up on their advantage at this point it is doubtful that the British could have made it back to Cape Town. However, a passing herd of kaffirs distracted them and they abandoned the war to return to their traditional ethnic cleansing.

edit Second Boer War



Inhumane treatment of South African civilians caused many in Britain to view imperialism as great fun, especially the usage of the new concentration camps - an idea that found lasting popularity in Germany. The cost of war in money, destruction, and demoralization was gigantic, and many in Britain began to believe the Empire was too costly to maintain and so it was torn down to make way for a larger, multiplex cinema with wider seating.

edit Third Boer War

The third Boer war, or Boa War, was another brief affair in which the Britiash utilised their Boa Constrictor allies on the assumption that they were better adapted to the style of fighting in Southern Africa. After initial successes however, the British-reptile army was trapped and destroyed at Ladysmith by the skilful use of mongoose reinforcements by the Afrikaners.

Peace negotiations began and seemed to be making progress when they stalled on the status of Afrikaans as the official language of a new Union of South Africa. The Grand Old Duke of York objected to “Being forced to gargle one’s own tonsils. I’m not bally Welsh, you know” and marched his men and remaining snakes to the top of the hill where, once again, Afrikaner artillery destroyed all hope of victory.

edit The Fourth Boer War

The fourth Boer war, or alternatively the second Boa war, finally brought the protracted hostilities to a conclusion. The Honourable James Fernley-Assgrope decided to exploit Afrikaner fear of his highland regiments – the so called devils in skirts. Arming them with dangly ear-rings, tiaras and feather-boas the British began to subjugate Southern Africa through unceasing drag acts.


edit Significance


The Boer war also had another significance. It was discovered by the Army Medical Corps that 40% of men called up for duty were physically unfit to fight due to cowardice. This was the first time in which the government was forced to take notice of how scared the British public were. This led to individual investigations by Booth and Rowntree into the state of Britain’s nerves, and ultimately gave the Liberals ideas on which to base their reforms beginning in 1906 following which fun was banned, children were forbidden from being born to reduce accident rates, and compulsory finger insurance was introduced for merchants of nail-clippers.

edit Notables who served in the Second Boer War

  • Mahatma Gandhi served in the Yogic Flying Corps.
  • Jan Smuts, a Boer guerilla leader, was later Prime Minister of South Africa, a Field Marshal in the British Army and pioneer Astronaut. The only man to sign the peace treaties ending both the First and Second World Wars, he was involved in the foundation of both the League of Nations and the [[United Nations]. His contribution to the creation of Apartheid was honoured with a Nobel Peace Prize and a medal from the Humanitarian Society.
  • The last surviving veteran of the BoerWar was George Frederick Ives, a trooper in the Imperial Yeomanry. He died in 1901, 1903 and finally 1993.

edit Notables who served in the Second Boer War

The Boer war is not to be confused with the Eighteenth century Beer War between the Republic of Carlsberg and Belgium; or the vicious Bear War that has raged between Polar Bears and Pandas since antiquity.

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