Parenting in Nutshell: It's hard to say 'I'm sorry,' especially for a child

7:03 PM, Mar. 1, 2013  |  Comments
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At what age did you apologize for what you did without a parent pushing you to do so? Still don't find it easy? Well, imagine being 4 and having to say you were sorry for your actions. If it's not easy for you, it's certainly not easy as a young child. But apologizing for misguided deeds and words are part of a necessary, healthy development.

What's behind your child's resistance to saying, "I'm sorry," and how can you help?

Fear of losing your love. You do not have to be Mommy or Daddy Dearest to have a child concerned with upsetting you. While a child is young, you are literally the universe: the love and physical support children need. Coming forth to admit a wrongdoing could mean the loss of that love and support. Try to maintain your cool when your young child is to blame; hopefully your child will come forward voluntarily overtime.

Deflecting responsibility. Children will often do what they can (lie), to get out of a situation they know might cause them more trouble if they confess (a consequence). Even when confronted in the moment, children can deny outright knowing anything about the situation. Offering a way out without blame can show your child that correcting the problem doesn't necessarily have to be painful. "What do you think the person who pushed that little boy should do?"

"The hand did it." My mother often told the story that when I was about 3 years old and was literally caught with my hand in the cookie jar, I blamed it on my hand, thereby removing myself as the culprit. In my mind I wasn't lying. Young children often have a difficult time separating fantasy from reality - and that includes knowing they are in control of how their body moves! Connect the dots by asking them to blink their eyes, open their mouths and move their hands just by thinking about it.

Timing. Depending on the age of your child, if the event took place more than several hours ago, he or she may earnestly not remember having anything to do with it. If you want your child to have a memory of what happened, try to address the issue soon after it occurs, especially when you are dealing with toddlers or younger. If your discussion about the situation isn't getting anywhere - except for a blank look from your child - move on.

"The universe revolves around me, so I don't have to do what I don't want to do." Oh, boy. Welcome to the world of toddlers and preschoolers. I know I have said this before - this age group often views others in the same way your cat does: Others are there to serve him. Mom is the juice and cookie lady and Dad delivers at bathtime. What makes this thinking even more frustrating is that there are some parents who believe their child is more deserving of a turn at the swings or crayons than your child. You can see where this thinking leads. Do your children a favor and reinforce that they are not more entitled than others, except when it comes to your love.

Tip from the parenting trenches: Strive to teach your child the difference between an incident that happened accidentally (stepping on someone's foot by accident) and one that happened purposely (deliberately dropping a rock on someone's foot). Both need an "I'm sorry," but only the latter needs a full discussion about proper behavior.

Email Doreen Nagle at

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