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wikiHow to Help Someone Who Self Injures

Four Parts:Recognizing Self-InjuringCommunicating About Self-InjuringOffering AlternativesFinding HelpCommunity Q&A


Part 1
Recognizing Self-Injuring

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    Trust your instincts. If you begin to have suspicions that someone you know is causing harm to himself, don’t ignore those suspicions. Rely on your history with the individual and your own ability to read people to determine whether something is going on. Think about whether your friend may be trying to:[2]
    • Provide a distraction from painful emotions through feeling physical pain
    • Have a sense of control over his body, feelings, or life, particularly if he is a perfectionist
    • Punish himself for his perceived faults
    • Have physical signs and scars to show for his emotional pain
  2. 2
    Watch for signs of self-injury. Self-injuring is usually done to the arms, legs, or torso, as these are the most easily hidden areas. If you are watchful, however, you may be able to catch a glimpse of injured areas. You should be respectful, however, and not spy on someone to try to see parts of his body that he keeps hidden; it would be better to just come out and ask him if he is self-injuring. Some signs that a friend or loved one is self-injuring may include:
    • Unexplained injuries or scars
    • Claims of frequent accidents (to explain injuries or scars)
    • Blood stains appearing on clothing, tissues, or other places
    • Long periods of silence
  3. 3
    • Cutting or making scratches on the skin
    • Carving words or symbols into the skin
    • Piercing the skin with sharp objects
    • Breaking bones, hitting or punching themselves, or head banging
    • Biting themselves
    • Pulling their own out hair (trichotillomania)
    • Picking at scabs or interfering with wound healing
    • Drinking something poisonous, such as bleach or detergent
  4. 4
    Try to understand self-injury. Learning about self-injury can help you understand why it occurs, how to relate to the self-injurer, and how to compassionately support him in getting help to stop this behaviour.[5] Self-injury is related to psychological pain and distress, difficulty expressing emotions, and harbouring negative feelings towards oneself, such as guilt, rejection, sadness, self-hatred, worthlessness, loneliness, panic, anger, or sexual confusion.[6]
  5. 5

Part 2
Communicating About Self-Injuring

  1. 1
  2. 2
    Tell the self-injurer that you care about him. Remind him that he is not alone and you are there to help and support him.[9] Take a little time to review your relationship with the person and tell him how much and why you care about him. This will help show that you are approaching him from a place of love.
  3. 3
    • Talk frankly yet gently to the person about his self-harm. Your friend may be relieved to share his secrets.
  4. 4
    Listen with an open mind. It can be very difficult to hear someone you love talking about hurting himself, but if you can get him to open up to you, you’re more likely to be able to steer him towards getting help. Let him lead the conversation as much as possible; ask open questions, and let him say what he wants to say.
    • Try to get the person to focus on the feelings rather than the cutting itself.[10]
  5. 5
    Show empathy in your conversation. Remember that you are talking to the person to provide him with help and with an outlet for expressing his feelings. Do not judge, shame, criticize, or get angry.[11] Yelling at him for his behaviour, threatening to not be friends, or making accusations about his behaviour may increase his risk of self-injuring behaviours.[12]
    • Tell the person that you want to understand what he is going through.[13] Even if you can’t fully understand it, showing that you wish to empathize can communicate how much you care.
  6. 6
    • to express pain or other intense feelings
    • to soothe themselves or feel better
    • to make themselves feel less numb or disconnected
    • to release anger or tension from their body

Part 3
Offering Alternatives

  1. 1
    • Practicing mindfulness through meditation or yoga may help self-injurers be in touch with and process their emotions in a calmer, healthier way.[16] Additionally, the discipline and strength required to achieve advanced yoga positions may help some people experience a release similar to that felt during self-injury.
  2. 2
    Help identify triggers. The self-injurer likely has specific triggers: events, situations, or emotions that cause him to feel the need to self-harm. If he becomes aware of those triggers, he can develop more strategies for coping, avoiding the triggers, or making the conscious choice to engage in an alternate activity.[17]
    • It may help if you talk to the person who is practicing self-harm about your own emotional triggers and how you deal with them without injuring yourself.[18] Be sure to approach such a conversation from a position of caring and offering alternatives, not judging or dividing yourself from him.
  3. 3
    • Someone who self-harms from a feeling of numbness may be able to reach out to friends to feel more connected. He may also be able to feel less numb by replacing the self-injury with less harmful behaviors such as eating foods with very intense flavors, holding an ice cube tightly until it melts, or even taking a cold shower.[21]

Part 4
Finding Help

  1. 1
    Don’t keep the secret. Particularly if you and the self-injurer are both teenagers, you should encourage your friend to talk to his parents, a teacher, a school counsellor, or another trusted adult about his self-injury.[22] Tell him that you will go with him if he is afraid to go by himself. Do not promise to keep this a secret. Keeping quiet enables your friend and gives him permission to keep injuring himself.[23]
    • Tell someone trustworthy yourself if necessary. Be honest with your friend and tell him whom you will be telling. Choose wisely and tell someone who will maintain confidentiality and act in a professional manner to get your friend the help he needs.[24]
    • Prepare for anger. Your friend might be ashamed or embarrassed and not want anyone to know. Let your friend know you care about him. You might be afraid of betraying your friend’s confidence and losing a friend, but your friend needs professional help and his health and safety is the most important factor. Most friends will understand your decision in time.[25]
    • Do not give in to threats of further self-harm. Your friend may be angry and threaten to hurt himself further if you say you want to tell someone about his behaviour. Remember that you are not to blame and the only person that has control over his injuries is the self-injurer himself.[26]
  2. 2
  3. 3
  4. 4
    • Be an emergency contact if your friend has an urge to self-injure, or take him to medical appointments or clinics as necessary.
  5. 5
  6. 6
    • Get enough rest and exercise.
    • See a counsellor to cope with your feelings, too.
    • Remember you are not responsible for your friend’s actions. You cannot make your friend stop hurting himself. You can only play a supporting role in his journey to healing.[31]

Community Q&A

Add New Question
    wikiHow Contributor
  • What can I say to a friend that self harms?
    wikiHow Contributor
    wikiHow Contributor
  • How do I get a friend to get help if they are suicidal?
    wikiHow Contributor
  • How do I tell my parents that my sister is self harming?
    wikiHow Contributor
    Don't be afraid to tell your parents that someone you know or family is self harming. It's a serious situation and gets worse if not treated. Try telling your parents when your sister is not around but also warn them not to go barging in on her. It does get worse if no help is given.
    wikiHow Contributor
  • Why do people self harm? My ex does it and I don't understand.
    wikiHow Contributor
  • How do I help a friend who won't talk about it?
    wikiHow Contributor
    wikiHow Contributor
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  • Self-injury is a symptom, not a diagnosis. Do not try to diagnose a friend or loved one. Encourage him to seek professional help.

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Article Info

Categories: Self Harm

In other languages:

Español: ayudar a alguien que se hace daño, Русский: оказать помощь человеку, который поранил себя, Italiano: Aiutare una Persona Autolesionista, Português: Ajudar Alguém que se Automutila, Français: aider quelqu'un qui s'automutile, Bahasa Indonesia: Menolong Seseorang yang Menunjukkan Perilaku Melukai Diri Sendiri, Deutsch: Jemandem helfen, der sich selbst verletzt, 한국어: 자해하는 사람을 돕는 법, Tiếng Việt: Giúp đỡ một người đang tự làm hại bản thân, العربية: مساعدة شخص مريض بإيذاء النفس

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