$1 for 3 months. Save 97%.
$1 for 3 months. Save 97%.

Responding to Negativity

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.
Responding to Negativity

Most of us are aware of the psychological benefits (and healing benefits) of maintaining an attitude of hope and optimism. Maintaining a positive outlook is often very difficult when interacting with people who always view life as "a glass half empty." Their negativity seems contagious.

We've all known people who are perpetually negative, angry, resentful or hostile. Interacting with them usually leaves us feeling worse, abraded and emotionally upset. We often become angry ourselves when interacting with negative people. How can we learn to respond to negative people without ourselves becoming upset? Here are a few suggestions.

Rather than the emotion accompanying the words, listen to the words being said. Listen for content...what is said, not so much how it is being said. Separate words from feelings. You may hear words that have a different meaning than the emotions accompanying their expression.

Then listen for the feelings behind the negativity. Usually it is fear. Many people cover their fears and frustrations with a display of anger as an "emotional defense." Once you have distinguished what is being said from how it is being said, and from the underlying emotion, you are then free to choose to respond to either...or neither.

Listen not with the intention to reply. Rather, listen with the intention to fully understand. Don't rehearse what you are going to say while the other is speaking. And always acknowledge that you have really heard the other before you respond.

Acknowledging the other is very much like holding up a mirror to their feelings. For example, you might say, "You seem so upset about this. Is that right?" It is always important that you really "get" what the negative person is experiencing, and reflect that understanding before you respond.

Avoid reacting. This is not easy. Most of us are in the habit of instantly reacting to negativity for our own perceived protection. When others are hostile, we feel threatened. We quickly defend ourselves from perceived (or implied) threat with quick reaction. When we're around angry people long enough, our reactivity becomes an automatic habit. Our reactions become involuntary. Like the hooked fish, we become jerked around by the other person's behavior. When we react, we are not responding from our own conscious choice. It's like we allow the other person's negativity to control our own reactive emotions and behavior, and we usually feel helpless or victimized again.

Teach the other where your personal boundaries lie. If your communications partner yells a lot, at some point when s/he is calm, you might say, "It is no longer OK for you to yell at me. From now on, if you begin to raise your voice around me, I will leave the room or ask you to speak quietly to me. If you don't, I will not respond. Educating others about what you will respond to, and what you won't, is called "boundary setting."

Ask for clarification or expansion. When you ask a question, it sends the message that you are open to genuine understanding of the other's experience. "I don't think I understand. Will you say more about that?" When the negative person senses you are genuinely interested in learning more about them, they often defuse their anger.

Many habitually negative people walk through life believing no one cares, no one else understands them, no one else is interested in them. These are people who have the proverbial "chip on their shoulder." When you inquire about them with genuine interest, their negative belief system is challenged, and their anger is likely to dissipate.

Finally, choose your own response. After you believe you understand where the negative person is coming from, ask yourself, "How do I want to respond to this?" or "What is in my best interest to do here?" or "How can I respond so that the outcome of this conversation is satisfactory to me?" Keep in mind, you are the one in charge of your own feelings, thoughts and behavior. You are always free to respond to another independently of how they are acting. Maintain your own personal integrity when responding to negative people. That means, respond in a chosen way that is "true to yourself."

It is not easy to learn the communication skills required to effectively respond to negative, angry people. It often requires rehearsal when others are not around. It always requires practice.

Like any new skill, it seems difficult until, with enough practice, it becomes easy. However, you will receive much personal psychological benefit from learning it. And you will become immune from the contagion of negativity.


Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life coach. He serves on the faculty of the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: "Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice...and Your Life!" (W.W. Norton 2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on

If you found the above column useful, feel free to share it with friends.

To subscribe yourself to Practical Life Coaching, click on the following line (or copy and paste the address below into your web browser):

Upon subscribing, you will receive Practical Life Coaching approximately once a week.