Anxiety in toddlers

Wide-eyed anxious toddler. / danishkhan

Is it normal for my toddler to feel anxious?

Many parents are taken aback when their easy-going, adventurous baby turns into a clingy, insecure toddler. After all, who would've thought that a child so young could be so anxious?

But, anxiety is a normal part of a child's behavioural and emotional development. During infancy, your child doesn't have much awareness of the world-at-large. But as he grows older, he begins to see that things can be unpredictable.

Bees sting, dog's bite, playmates grab his toys and parents leave for hours at a time. He may, for example, refuse to go to daycare or playschool if you're ill.

Toddlers also have a hard time sorting out fantasy from reality, so this fear may have sprung out of his own imagination or been triggered by a bedtime story or a cartoon show.

Keep in mind that your toddler is experiencing many things for the first time. The world is a big, complicated place, so it's normal to have a little apprehension (or even a lot!). His anxieties will almost certainly fade as he matures, gets more comfortable with the world around him, and begins to gain more control over his feelings.

Do toddlers experience specific types of anxiety?

Yes. Below is a quick definition of some of the most common:

Separation anxiety
Although fear of separation peaks at about 18 months, it can resurface for occasional stretches, until well beyond pre-school. The relapse is often triggered by a specific event such as starting at a new school, a change of childcare or staying overnight at a family member's house.

Separation anxiety is also related to your child's deepening understanding of time and distance. He now understands that when you're out of his sight, you don't vanish, but instead, you're off doing something interesting without him.

However, separation anxiety does have a positive side. It shows that your child has an attachment to you.

Stranger suspicion
Any new face, no matter how friendly, can send some toddlers reeling. Your child is now capable of more complex thinking. He may begin to see outsiders as a threat to his survival. In most instances, your child will calm down when the stranger retreats.

Common fears
As his thought processes become more complex, he's also able to conjure up a multitude of scary scenarios involving everyday objects.It could be monsters under the bed or in the cupboard, the neighbour's dog, the flush of a toilet, the movement of the curtains or perhaps the dark room during power-cuts.

The fears of toddlers are many and varied. They are a product of your child’s developing imagination and his emerging ability to predict. Fears may arise from an actual incident, such as being cornered by a dog, suffering a fall or witnessing a road accident.

Or perhaps it's something that has overwhelmed his senses, such as the sound of the washing machine in full spin, loud firecrackers, or a thunderstorm. Couple that with a basic fear of anything new, and even the mundane can seem menacing to a toddler.

It's also possible that fear develop as he has seen something in the news. It could be natural disasters such as earthquakes or floods or maybe he has picked up on some discussions about accidents or acts of terrorism. If your little one sees something scary on TV, or if his sister is afraid of clowns he may very well become afraid of them, too.

Social anxiety
It's quite common for toddlers to feel shy and self-conscious. Some fall to pieces around unknown children, others with adults.

Nearly all toddlers experience at least occasional bouts of bashfulness. Some children feel insecure or anxious in any new situation. Fortunately, most toddlers will outgrow their timidity and shyness.

What can I do to ease my toddler’s fears?

When your child is anxious or fearful, cuddle and reassure him. But don't stop there. Helping your toddler to conquer his fears requires creativity. These tips may help:

Acknowledge his fears
Some of your toddler's worries are entirely normal, and denying them would be unrealistic.

If he's afraid of losing you in a shop, for example, tell him that this idea scares you as much as it does him. Tell him that's why you hold his hand and watch him so closely, and that's why he should always be close to you and able to see you.

Remind him that when you leave him with dadima, at preschool or with his ayah, you always pick him up again.

Talk about it
Toddlers have active imaginations and limited vocabularies, so they may have trouble describing what frightens them. But with some coaching from you, your child can better articulate his feelings. Is he sad, angry or scared? Many parents find that just helping their children find words to describe their fears can ease anxiety.

If he's all worked up about an imaginary friend in the closet, do some prodding to find out what, exactly, is frightening him so much: Does the monster have big feet, lots of teeth, or make a terrible sound? Once he's found the words to describe his fears, reassurances from you will help quell them.

Listening to your toddler talk can also give you the details you need to banish a specific fear. You might discover, for example, that his fear of water is actually a fear of sharks. You can explain that big fish will be out in the ocean and won't find their way into the bathtub, bucket or the swimming pool.

Talk about other emotions as well: "You seem really excited about going to the zoo. Is that one of your favourite places?" And make sure you give your child equal amounts of attention when he's feeling cheerful and confident, so that you're not unwittingly encouraging him to act fearful.

Take it slow
Transitions can be difficult for anyone, but especially for young children. Rather than thrusting your toddler into a strange environment or letting an unfamiliar person get right in his face, try the slow approach.

If he freezes up when you put him in the children's pool, for instance, get in with him and let him splash about from the safety of your lap. Once he's comfortable, you can spend a few minutes playing next to him, then move to the edge of the pool (talking breezily all the while). Finally, settle yourself on a bench a few feet away.

Use your imagination
Laughter goes a long way towards diffusing anxiety. If your child fears thunderstorms, make up a story about a magical being who makes lightning bolts.

Likewise, if your child is afraid of monsters hiding in his cupboard, you can say, "I looked, and there definitely aren't any monsters. But you can keep this torch here to scare away the pretend monsters." Post a funny sign on the closet door and tell him that it says, "No monsters allowed!"

And, of course, night-lights have been "scientifically proven" to scare away ghosts, and they also help a child orient himself if he wakes in the dark.

Give him a lovey
A favourite blankie, stuffed animal, or other soft toy has comforted many a child through daytime separations and nighttime fears.

Some parents also choose to spiritual jewellery for their child in the form of pendants, bracelets or threads.

If your toddler grows fond of a particular object, encourage this attachment – the big, bad world will seem a little less scary whenever he has it in his arms or close to him.

Break with convention
Until your child outgrows his fears, do whatever it takes to provide reassurance. For example, if your child won't sleep in his cot because he thinks the monster under his bed will carry him away, let him sleep with you in your family bed.

Let him hug his favourite toy and sleep next to you. Eventually, you can use the same favourite toy to make him sleep in his own cot or bed.

Plan ahead
If your child tends to get nervous in large gatherings or new situations, he'll probably do better if you tell him what to expect. Mention that you're going to a new place, and that he will meet some new people.

Be positive. Ask him if he'd like to bring along a favourite blanket or his stuffed toy for company. And when you get there, stay with him until he feels comfortable, even if that means he spends an hour on your lap.

Stroke his ego
Applaud your toddler's accomplishments, however small. Boost his self-confidence by cheering when he ventures into the bathtub, for instance, and next time he may even feel brave enough to join you in the swimming pool.

Give him a break
Some parents believe they need to discourage "clinginess," not realising that it's more important to allow the child to cling while working to build up his confidence and self-esteem. Try not to tell him to "stop being silly" or to "be a big boy".

Forcing your child to pat a dog, go down a slide, or to sleep without a night-light won't ease his fear. If you pressure your terrified toddler to do something he's afraid of not only will he feel bad about himself, he'll fear you as well as the thing or situation he's uncomfortable about. At this age, he's probably better off conquering his fears at his own pace.

Don't tease
Being teased or taunted for his fears will not make them go away. It's actually likely to intensify them. Make sure other family members or older siblings don’t tease or bully him as well.

Be patient
If your toddler is feeling scared or anxious, show him that you're there to help him through it, even if it means you have to drop everything you're doing.

Taking time out from your busy schedule to comfort your toddler until he feels better will go a long way toward helping him feel safe. That feeling of security can help your child face his fears and anxieties more confidently.

Accept your child's nature
Every child has a temperament, or inborn personality and some are just naturally anxious. Don't expect your little one to be like his fearless older sibling or any other child you know.

Your child may always be sensitive about certain things, and that's okay. Your role is to accept him and help him find ways to cope with his fears.

Set a good example
Your child takes his cues from you. If you jump when things go bump in the night, hover while he plays, or declare "You're safe now – Mummy's here," every time he faces a challenge, you'll just reinforce the idea that there's something to be scared of, and that you're the only one who can protect him.

If you approach new situations confidently and calmly, on the other hand, he'll eventually learn to do the same.

Stick to a routine
Try to follow a routine so that your toddler doesn’t have too many changes or adjustments during the day. Keep set times for mealtimes, nap times and play. And try not to expose your toddler to scary TV shows, movies, or books because these will only make fears worse.

Establish a bedtime routine and stick to it, leaving plenty of time for a bath, a story, and some quiet cuddling before lights-out. To help your toddler go to sleep feeling calm, try to keep evenings as peaceful as possible. Bedtime is not the time to hash out a contentious issue with your spouse for instance.

When should I seek professional help for my child's anxiety?

Because toddlers feel things so intensely, even normal anxiety may strike you as being extreme. Generally speaking, though, a toddler's fears are cause for concern only if they:
If your child is still anxious and fearful despite your efforts, consult his doctor. If needed, she will refer you to a family counsellor or child psychiatrist.

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