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The Original Alien Space Bats - Irony and Steal


Being parody of a number of published What-Ifs and ideas floated on the newsgroup soc.history.what-if. Proposal for a multi-volume series (ensuring continuity of earnings is important for a writer!) consisting of:

Book 1: Alien space bat arrival

Book 2: Do you take this bat?

Book 3: The blue and the grey and the bat

Book 4: Going bats

Book 5: Batting above average

Book 6: Turning turtle

Book 7: Plain bats

Book 1: Alien space bat arrival

It is the start of the Napoleonic Wars. A bunch of alien bats from the farthest reaches of space head towards Earth at somewhat above the speed of light. It is a well-known physical law that as you approach the speed of light, time slows down. If you extend the maths, when you exceed the speed of light, time actually goes into reversal.

As a result, these alien bats are able to learn BBC English from radio broadcasts before arriving on Earth just before the industrial revolution gets underway, at the start of the first Global War.

The bats come from a damp, overcast, grey planet. As a result, they choose Manchester as the ideal landing site, having a satisfactory climate and proximity to a future industrial centre.

The English are surprised to see the bats arrive. Luckily, the bats speak English, so communication is not a problem. The bats explain that they have come to enslave humanity and take over as top bat. They are a little surprised when the English agree to become their allies.

After the bats see the living conditions of the working people of Manchester, they have a better understanding.

The English show the bats the French spy captured at Hartlepool recently, and the bats understand that the English believe themselves to be better than humans, and thus talk of enslaving humans means helping the English beat the French.

Wellington is recalled from India, and the next step in the war is discussed. It is agreed that the English would provide infantry and artillery, while the bats provide mechanical cavalry. On advice from the bats, the English understand that the mechanical cavalry is best used on flat terrain. Since the French are active in Egypt, the battleground is chosen. Off go the English and bats to Egypt. Lots of trouble for the RN in carrying 50 ton mechanical horses, but they cope.

Wellington gets on well with Nelson, both being modest and having very similar attitudes towards man-management. The tactful and mild-spoken Picton is given command of the cavalry.

The English and French meet at a place called El Alamein. Victory to the English! A number of promotions follow: Richard Sharpe is made Lt (after having been thought to be dead), Bolitho and Hornblower make Nelson's name famous at the Battle of the Nile; Riflemen Harris and Brewster are made corporal. Raglan fights bravely and with great intelligence, but is killed.

Lots of blood-curdling action, with lots of descriptions of mechanical cavalry advancing.

Britain beats France and take Egypt.

End of Book 1


Book 2: Do you take this bat?

The industrial revolution is well underway in Britain. The English reverse engineer from mechanical cavalry, and produce the first oil-powered, turbine-driven iron ship with rifled cannon in 6 months. This is called HMS Flashman. The bats wonder if the English have been spying on them, but decide it is just coincidence.

England takes the Middle East in order to protect India. Russia declares war. The bats help England, and get the Pripet Marshes. England beats Russia, and a peace treaty is signed.

Problems. It is decided to seal the treaty with a monarchical marriage. Obviously a bat has to marry a Russian Czardine, but in a surprise twist, the bats all turn out to be female. Luckily, the Czar is quickly widowed, and marries a bat.

End of book 2.


Book 3: The blue and the grey and the bat

The author suddenly remembers most readers will likely come from the US. Thus we fast forward to the American Civil War.

The Trent Affair breaks out, and leads to British involvement. Bat tanks start rolling down from Canada. Brave American militia inflict a massive defeat on the tanks, but the Confederacy wins independence.

The US has captured a few bat tanks, and uses these to reverse engineer dirigibles.

Luckily, England has just launched HMS Black Pig, a massive ship designed to carry 100 dirigibles.

Of course, this all leads to a naval arms race.

End of book 3.


Book 4: Going bats

In 1914, war breaks out in Europe. The Confederacy, Britain and France vs USA and Germany.

Lenin takes up baseball, saying: "There's no chance of a proletarian revolution in this AH. Play ball."

WW1 ends.

End of book 4.


Book 5: Batting above average

Jardine takes a baseball team to Australia to play for the Ashes. Lenin Jr and Larwood, his star pitchers, begin the infamous "Reverse-swing, seam-picking, bodyline series". England wins the Ashes.

The entire population of Australia disappears, and the English say: "Good riddance to them. They whined."

In their place (the Aussies, not the English), arrive evil alien turtles, mutated masters of martial arts.

It is revealed in the shock ending to the book that this was what the bats had been preparing humanity for.

End of book 5.


Book 6: Turning turtle

The Japanese develop an atom bomb from aluminium filings, and the English launch Operation Sealion to retake Sydney.

Dirigibles battle over Sydney!

A crack human fighting force is formed, containing Lt Kennedy, Lt Waldheim, Lt Heinlein, Lt Eric Blair, Lt Healey, Lt Milligan, Lt Marvin, and Corporal Hitler. Thus was under the command of the Hollywood producer Reagan. They do incredibly brave things and win the war. Lt John Wayne and Lt Audie Murphy capture a turtle spaceship.

End of book 6.


Book 7: Plain bats

The publisher tells the author this has got too silly, and more importantly, won't sell.

End of series.


Alison Brooks


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