Archeologists Discover Long-Sought-After Racist Bone

Archaeological excavation.
Photograph by Joerg Boethling / Alamy

On Tuesday, in a region of Arizona once known for its Neolithic settlements, a prominent archeology team made a historic discovery when it unearthed a frequently referenced and formerly elusive racist bone (ulnis bigotris).

The bone has long been a topic of debate in the scientific community. And, despite its previous unattainability, experts have insisted on its existence for centuries, due to voluminous evidence of racism, both in personal and institutional forms.

“Basically, we know that racism is real, because of documented history, and also because of things that are currently happening and being said. Every day. Still,” Dr. Scott Crenshaw, the head of archeology at New College University, said. “People who continue to deny the pervasiveness of racism usually are akin to flat-Earther types—willfully ignorant of facts—or, you know, just, um . . . old and white.”

The discovery of the bone has been heralded as a victory for people who continue to report instances of racist behavior socially, in the workplace, and in the United States government, notwithstanding the assertion of its absence from the body of every single man in power who’s ever made a public statement with thinly veiled bias against races other than his own.

Requests from the archeology community to continue the search for racist bones were rejected by the current White House Administration, on the grounds that it had already checked and didn’t find anything.

“This Administration has a system in place for seeking out and identifying racist bones, and the public simply has to trust that, as of now, despite footage being disseminated by the leftist media, and actual written statements posted by the President himself, we have not been able to find any racist bones in the White House to date,” the White House press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, said at a briefing this week.

The excavated ulnis bigotris is currently being prepared for display at the American Museum of Natural History, where the racist-bone exhibit is expected to rival the museum’s Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton in popularity. An adjacent vitrine has been set aside for related skeletal specimens that the museum hopes will be provided by Senate members in the next few decades.