Doctors Warn That Punching Keyboard Increases Risk of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Pictured: a man punches his way through a computer.

A recent article published in the New England Journal of Medicine warns that many common computer activities, such as punching a keyboard or bitch slapping a monitor over a crashed hard drive, can contribute to carpal tunnel syndrome (CTS).

The alarming study is sending shock waves throughout the medical community, as doctors discover that even fundamental computer tasks, like the repeated slamming of a mouse against a desk, could be risky activities.

"Previously, the primary cause of CTS was thought to have been limited to relatively obscure and nerdy uses of the computer, such as excessive typing without wrist support," said Dr. Charles Novotny of the Cleveland Clinic. "However, new research suggests that smashing the keyboard into oblivion with your fist when your internet service goes down is not only a cause, but a leading contributor to CTS and a host of other health problems."

"And let's face it: we've all been there, because when I can't watch anime clips on YouTube because the fucking internet isn't working, I tend to lose my head," Novotny added.

In light of the research, healthcare officials are pressuring the government to step up consumer warnings on the packaging of computer hardware and software to clarify the dangers of smacking the shit out of your computer when it fucks up. Consumer advocacy groups have voiced concern that the current standard warning label of "Caution: repeated punching may cause contents to malfunction further or not at all" does not go far enough, and may need a supplemental message advising consumers to wear protective gear before channeling their rage against a machine.

"The only responsible reaction to this study is for the government to fund programs to warn consumers of the unseen dangers of long periods of beating on their computers," said Paula Robinson of Consumer Alert, a consumer advocacy organization. "We believe a series of hip commercials, funded with $500 billion of economic stimulus money, ought to make some real headway."

Advocacy groups have taken up cases like that of John Barrington of Philadelphia, PA, who claims that years of technological frustration not only ruined his PC, but also his ability to pick up utensils and flip people off.

"I used to put my computer through the wall every time the goddamned internet service would go down, which was pretty often," said the Pennsylvanian computer user. "I knew that it might damage the computer, but it felt so good that I just couldn't help it, so when I started getting that numbness... how was I supposed to know that it was from reaming that goddamn thing all these years?"

"There weren't no safety labels or nothing," added Barrington. "I'd have just stomped on it if I'd known."

The report on computer abuse and CTS joins an earlier publication that warns that headaches and even brain tumors can result from furiously banging one's head into the computer screen. The report urged computer users to take appropriate safety measures like applying wrist braces, boxing gloves or football helmets prior to using any computer that might crash, freeze or otherwise not do what you want it to do when you're clicking the fucking mouse, and you're sitting there, but nothing is fucking happening.

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