"Just Friends Syndrome" is a condition typically experienced by male humans, but sometimes experienced by the female of the species. Symptoms include:

  • A large percentage of the patient's friends are of the opposite sex, or the patient has a large number of friends of the opposite sex.
  • Despite being surrounded and on good terms with many members of the opposite sex, the patient is seemingly unable to get involved with members of the opposite sex in a romantic context. Instead, said members of the opposite sex inevitably become friends in a non-romantic context.

    This disease is invariably terminal, resulting in the patient being excluded from human mating rituals, and thus failing sexual selection and failing to propogate his or her genes. For unknown reasons, it tends to appear most often in intelligent males with caring personalities.

    Science has yet to eludicate the mechanism behind this disease. However, several interesting theories have been proposed. Among them:

  • The Theory that Women Prefer Assholes
  • Friend pheremones
  • Intelligent, caring males need not be excluded from mating! After observing numerous courtship rituals of varying degrees of success, I have discovered one method that, more often than not, produces positive results! I give you:

    Feigning homosexuality.

    Now, many females regard this as a low-down, dirty trick. After all, they've grown comfortable flirting with homosexual males - it's fun, and they appreciate fawning over a nice, cute boy without worrying about him actually making any moves back. It's like a testing ground, where they can try different pick-up lines and play weird gender roles without any performance pressure. If you flirt back, they'll think you're just playing games. After all, you're the same guy who gave them fashion tips and cried watching Gone With The Wind... you can't possibly like girls, right?

    So when you actually make your move, the female's mind totally freezes up. Hopefully, by this point, she's gotten so used to the flirtiness that she's actually grown a little crush on you. If sparks fly, you're in. Switch back into normal sensitive-straight-guy mode and do all that nuturing boyfriend stuff and she will be yours for a while. The best part of all is that, once you've broken her into liking nice guys, she won't need assholes or ruses anymore. So even after she's dumped you, you can smile knowing that you've helped all of the sensitive guys out there get some action!

    I've never been able to pull this off myself. Last time I tried I showed just a little too much interest in a football game and my scam was up. But I've seen it work, and I've heard girls talking about how evil and unfair it is! Give it a shot!

    Social Tip of the Day: Being able to tell the difference between hyperbole and normal speech is important. Have a friend make up flash cards, and see if you can tell the difference between scientific explanation and humorous exaggeration. If so, congratulations! You're well on your way to not making an ass out of yourself!

    Log in or registerto write something here or to contact authors.