Professor Bezzle’s theory of group dynamics

by bezzle

Human beings are social animals.  Whatever.  And here’s my theory on how they socialise.  Note that these theories have been based off observing adolescent individuals.


Theory of groups

At recess/lunch, friends and members of similar social groups will stand together and ‘socialise’.  Socialise is a term used loosely to describe actions ranging from playing cards to gossiping to games of ninja distraction/destruction.  For some inexplicable reason most of the time socialising occurs while standing up (except for card-playing); presumably this is to allow better ease in moving around to talk to other people (this will be covered further in ‘Theory of group gravity’)


Theory of group gravity

When a group with a larger number of individuals stands near a group with a lower number of individuals, members from the smaller group will be strangely drawn into the larger group, leaving one or two people behind.  The reason for their attraction to the larger group may be due to there being more people to socialise with, or they do not want to talk with the current members of their group.  The poor sods left behind will end up joining the larger group or a different one.


Theory of unwanted individuals

If an individual joins a group that does not welcome them, then the group will often be silent and conversation will be awkward between all members.  Or, other members will huddle closer to exclude said unwanted individual or leave the group altogether (see ‘Theory of group gravity’).


Theory of girl-guy tensions

Tension between male and female humans often are at their peak when they are at their adolescent stage of growth.  This often results in the typical situation with large groups:

lots of girls and lots of guys: no doubt they will be socialising in a circle.  Males will group together (as will females) and lean their arms on each others’ shoulders.  This ‘buddying’ with members of the fellow sex will create a subconsciously threatening image, as biologically male humans are generally taller than their female counterparts, and heighten (haha) the sexual tension as the situation becomes girls vs. guys, even if the rivalry remains only unnoticed.  In the middle of the circle will be one member of the males’ side, and one member of the females’ side, and the focus will be on them.

lots of guys and a few girls: once again, males will display dominant behaviour (arms on shoulders) but females will remain unfazed.  Conversation is usually loud and revolves around gender related topics and fellow members of the herd, such as ‘who has the biggest chest in the grade?’ and ‘how do girls use a hair straightener?’

lots of girls and a few guys: does not occur very often.  In these cases the males would be called ‘pimps’, a supposedly derogatory term now taken to mean a person surrounded by lots of members of the opposite sex.  For this social situation to occur males must be regular (or more) friends with the females at least, or oblivious to the fact that they are surrounded by females.

one girl and one guy: boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  Often given a wide berth by other individuals unable to stomach the love hearts given off in the surroundings.  Or the awkwardness of making conversation.