Don't pressure your kids! Pushy parents can cause children to become anxious and unsuccessful loners

  • Children feel under pressure to ace exams and go to after-school clubs
  • Too much pressure can make them unkind and socially awkward
  • This halts progression towards being a well-adjusted, successful adult
  • Parents should do more to promote kindness and decency in their children

The old saying goes that 'kids are cruel'; but is this the fault of pushy parents?

New research has found that parents who put too much pressure on their children make them unkind, anxious and socially awkward.

This pressure to get good grades and perform well in hobbies often comes at the expense of the child learning important social skills such as kindness, the researchers claim.   

Parents who put too much pressure on their children raise unkind and socially awkward kids. The study finds that children who feel pressured by their parents are starved of opportunities to become well-adjusted and successful later in life. (stock image)

The researchers at Arizona State University found children who saw their parents as valuing achievements over kindness were more likely to be anxious and depressed.

Pressured children were found to have lower self-esteem, were more likely to 'act out', and were more critical of their parents.

The researchers show that, paradoxically, pressured children actually have lower grades, are more likely to have learning problems, and exhibit more disruptive behaviours at school.

'When parents emphasise children's achievement much more than their compassion and decency during the formative years, they are sowing the seeds of stress and poorer well-being, seen as early as sixth grade,' said co-author Professor Suniya Luthar. 

Researchers reveal that parents who prioritise their children's kindness towards others have more well-behaved and successful children. The team say that their findings underline the value of being socially oriented from a young age (stock image)


'It is beneficial for kids to be strongly connected with their social networks, whereas focusing too much on external validations - such as grades or extra-curricular honours - for their sense of self-worth can lead to greater insecurity, anxiety and overall distress,' Professor Luthar said.

Of particular interest to the researchers was how consistently they found that children's mental health and school grades were tied to what they believed their parents cared about most.

And it did not matter which parent was the culprit - having too much emphasis on achievement coming from either parent was generally harmful.

But the researchers are quick to warn parents not to cut off academic support.


The study investigated parents' values among 506 6th grade students from high-income families.

Children were asked to rank the top three of six things that their parents valued for them.

Three of the values were about personal success, such as good grades and a successful later career.

The other three were about kindness and decency towards others.

The researchers took the childrens' scores and compared them with each child's behaviour and success in school.

Their results reveal that parents' emphases on achievement and kindness plays a vital role in both the child's personal adjustment as they grow and their school grades.

How a child reads their parents' criticism was also found to be crucial.

'To be clear, our data did not show that encouraging achievement in itself is bad,' said co-author and psychologist at Oklahoma State University Dr Lucia Ciciolla.


'The key is balance,' added Professor Luthar.

'Not pushing kids to achieve or succeed at the expense of maintaining close relationships to others - and we, as parents, must watch our tones,' she cautioned.

'Sometimes, what we might think is encouragement to perform better comes across to our kids as criticism for not being "good enough" by their standards.'

'The more parents are able to balance their encouragement of personal success with encouragement of maintaining kindness and personal decency, the more likely it is that children will do well,' she added.


The study was published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence.

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