Duke the Dog writes a Primer for dogs

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by sarge_257, Dec 9, 2010.

  1. sarge_257

    sarge_257 New Member

    Duke the Dog
    Primer for dogs.
    (cats don't read this)
    It has come to my attention that most dogs do not understand humans. I have recently been investigating the public dog running area with my master. He takes me there for exercise and then he sits on a board and talks to the pretty girl humans. However it has been a chance for me to meet other dogs and learn from them some of the problems they are having with their humans. I have been living with humans all my life so I did not know that other dogs had problems. My humans are very good to me and attend to all my needs. So below is some tips and information for all dogs that are not lucky enough to have good humans.
    One of the most important things for us dogs. We work hard for our humans, guarding the house, alerting them of intruders and chasing those pesky little animals out of the trees.
    Food in a human's house is hidden in many places. The main location is in a room where the humans cook their meals. It is called a "kitchen". In the kitchen you will find several white boxes. Some are tall and some are short and may even be hidden under the top of the sink. (more on sinks later) The main food hiding place is in the tall white box. It is called a "fridge" and is very cold inside. When your master opens the "fridge" you can stay low and on the bottom boards of the "fridge" is food. There is food on the top boards too but unless you are a very big dog you will not be able to reach it. While your master is looking on the top boards, you can check out the lower ones. Usually there is food in boxes but you can see through some of the boxes or smell the food inside the box. Often the food in these boxes smells so good you will want to roll in it. This is the very best kind of food, because your master will want to throw it out and if you whine and look hungry he will give it to you instead. These foods are called "left overs".
    More food hiding places, are in the small humans sleeping rooms. Often the small humans sneak food out of the "fridge" and eat it at night. They usually spill or drop a lot of food. Sometimes they hide the food from the big humans. If you find it you can have it. Because they are not going to tell on you. So far I have been talking about human food but we dogs have our own special food. Naturally it is called "Dog Food" Watch carefully when your human gets food to fill your dog dish. Usually it is in a very small room called a "closet" but sometimes it is in one of the dark colored boxes in the "kitchen". With some practice you can open the doors of the dark colored boxes or the small room. I use my paws and put the claws in the crack in the wall and pull. Sometimes you might live with careless humans that leave doors open and that helps a lot. Usually the "dog food" is in a paper bag. It is real easy to bite a hole in the corner of the bag and free dog food will run out at your paws. After I get my fill I push a black thing called a "boot" in front of the hole I have chewed in the bag.
    More food locations:
    In the "kitchen" there is another white box that is under the sink. When your human opens it up you can smell the food. But sometimes when they open it up you can only smell something called "soap" It is not good to eat. When my human puts his human bowl in the white box it usually has food on it. It is our responsibility as dogs to make sure that no dirty bowls go into that white box. So while your human is bringing more human bowls from the other room, get your tongue going. Clean up those bowls. Also if you have small humans in your family they are very clumsy and will drop food on the floor as they eat. Station yourself under their chair (that is the wooden box that humans sit on) and keep that floor clean for your hard working humans.
    Now there is another place that food is kept but I warn you to not try to get any food from this white box. It is HOT! It is called a "stove" and you will get your paws and nose burned if you try to get up on it to eat the food.
    Also it is always a good idea to learn some tricks such as fetch the ball or toy. And cultivate a winsome look to your eyes and learn how to whine a little. When you fetch a ball that your master throws or just come up to him and whine, the men humans will get you some treats. My favorite is "beggin strips" but I will accept most any type of food or dog biskets for my efforts. About "sinks". They too may have food in them. Usually it is on the bowls and plates. (a plate is a flat bowl) It is hard to get up to the sink and you can only do this when your humans are gone. Somewhere in the "kitchen" will be a box that the humans sit on. You can push these boxes around with your paws or by standing on your hind paws and leaning hard on the box. Once you get the box over close to the "sink" you can jump up on it and climb on the sink. There will be bowls and plate in there with food on them. Also there will be water in the "sink" if you are thirsty. Won't your master be surprised to come home and find the bowls and plates all clean? You are just doing your job, so don't ask for more treats. Well maybe a little whine so they will pet you.
    So I hope this helps all the young dogs or the dogs that have bad humans as masters. Being hungry is no fun.
    Duke the Dog