How to... prevent choking

How to... prevent choking

Choking is like being strangled from the inside. It's no laughing matter, even though it can sound very much like a laughing matter to begin with. If you're prone to this kind of thing, it's best to steer well clear of jewellery, especially chokers, choke chains, throttlers, etc.

If you see someone choking, the first thing you should do is remove the plumber's invoice from their hand. This should do the trick, but if they're still in difficulty, try the Heimlich manoeuvre. This is named after a first-world-war German ace, who would put his plane through a series of violent barrel rolls, stall turns and inverted loops to dislodge errant sausage. Simply apply these manoeuvres to the chokee, and all will be well.

If that fails, try the Rorschach test. This test involves looking at an ink spot and deciding what it is. It's a way of seeing if the choking is simply the physical manifestation of a more deep-rooted, psychological illness.

Of course, prevention is better than cure. Over millions of years of evolution, fish have developed a defence mechanism by which, if they are eaten by a human, half their entire skeleton lodges in the throat. You can avoid this by ordering fish fingers in smart seafood restaurants.

However, don't be silly about preventative medicine. It's not very clever preventatively thumping people on the back on the off-chance that they are about to choke. First, you will project the contents of their mouth three metres across the tablecloth and, second, you will be the person who ends up choking due to the subsequent strangling effect of their hands around your neck.

The other persistent choking hazards are small objects that have some kind of strange gravitational pull towards the throat. A failsafe way of avoiding this hazard is to wear wicket-keeping gloves at all times. In this way, you will find it virtually impossible to pick up anything small enough to get lodged in your windpipe. There's also an evens chance that you'll get picked for England.

The general rule is: don't put anything small in your mouth that you're likely to swallow. Unless, of course, it's food. Then you should cut up everything into pieces that would fit gaily through the eye of a large knitting needle. For safety's sake, don't talk or laugh while you're eating. Sit up straight and look directly ahead. If you do this on a regular basis, the chances of you choking will be much reduced, as will your chances of having an interesting dinner companion.