Gila monster

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Gila monster
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animalia
Class Lizardes
Order Lazius
Family Monsterus
Species Lazius Monsterus
Binomial name
Wild-Western Couchpotato
Weight Increases exponentially
Length 2 inches to 100 feet
Special attack Poison Spit
Conservation status
Morbidly Obese

Gila monsters are special for being simultaneously among the laziest and deadliest creatures on the planet. They like sitting around and doing nothing until somebody pokes one with a stick, at which point death is guaranteed.

edit Biology


One of the largest individuals on record, estimated to have fossilized approximately 50 million years ago.

Gila monsters are lizards notable for being so fat, their butts look exactly like their heads. This is caused by extreme boredom in their natural habitat (see Habitat below). Since their breath smells exactly like their flatus, some scientists maintain the theory that these are the sole example of a naturally two-headed lizard species.

Gila monsters are typically two-toned in color, because they could not decide whether to be black or some other color and went for a compromise; this is a great example of how lazy they are.

edit Habitat

Gila monsters are predominantly located in the southwestern United States. They used to be fearsome creatures most of the time, and still can be when sufficiently provoked. Unfortunately, with the decline of the Western way of life, Gila monsters had no suitably dangerous adversaries to battle with, and they resorted to watching reruns of the good old days on TV all the time. This lifestyle led them to becoming the fat and lazy reptiles they are today.

edit Behavior

Gila monsters routinely win laziness competitions with sloths. However, they should not be handled lightly. When a gila monster is agitated, it will sit there and do nothing. If it is really agitated, it might start to drool a little. Once it is really, really agitated, it will suddenly go berserk and spray its corrosive venom at its antagonist's face, then proceed to unhinge its jaws and swallow them whole once the head is completely dissolved. Then it goes back to sitting there and doing nothing.

Some gila monsters manage to retain their former lifestyle of endless fury. These are prized by Japanese film producers, who purchase them on the black market and set them loose in their home country just to film the carnage which results. Godzilla is one of their more successful animal stars, estimated to have caused more than $1 billion in property damage before being retired.

edit Venom

Gila monsters are well-known for the venom they possess. It was once thought that Gila monster venom is not extremely harmful to humans, and is sufficiently toxic to kill only small rodents. However, the general scientific consensus is now shifting to accept the reality of the danger a Gila monster's venom poses.

Gila monster venom is becoming better understood as one of the most lethal substances produced in nature, right after licorice. A Gila monster will produce up to a gallon in corrosive toxins a day, letting the excess dribble out of its mouth while staring off into space. Eventually, the Gila monster thinks of looking down at where its drool has pooled up on the ground, only to find a steaming hole where the spit used to be. This is how Gila monsters can construct burrows to dwell in because of their laziness.

The toxic compounds present in Gila monster venom make it extremely foul-smelling and acidic. Bioengineers in the United States military have theorized that the Gila monster makes its poison as a side effect of its Southwestern diet, and they supposed that if something similar was fed to humans disguised as ground beef, then it would enable the creation of terrifying new soldiers with corrosive by-products which could be weaponized. In 1962, the experimental concoctions were declassified, and an entrepreneur used the newly-released information as the basis of his fast food recipes; thus, Taco Bell was born.

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