The 7 Worst Ways to Worry -- and How to Stop Today

Fretting can keep you up at night, give you stomachaches -- even make your friends screen their calls. What it can't do is solve your problems. Here, how to quit worrying and start living.

I've always known I was a worrier. For years, I wrote off my what-if episodes (What if I can't pay my rent? What if I never meet anyone?) as a normal mental habit, even though they left my heart racing and my stomach in knots.

But it turns out that worry is more than a repetitive brain game. "Unfortunately, it's also a really ineffective one," says Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D., author of the new book The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You and the director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy in New York City. "When you worry, you're living in a future world that may not ever occur. And the truth is, just because you don't know what a future outcome will be doesn't mean it's going to be negative," says Leahy.

So how can worry be bad if it motivates you to do things like double-check your driving directions or warn your kids not to talk to strangers? Leahy says these reactions are perfectly normal. Worry only becomes ineffective when, for instance, you're still contemplating the possibility of getting lost even though you've mapped out your route and printed out directions. In other words, you've taken steps to insure a positive outcome, yet you still spend time and energy on expecting a negative outcome. But there are ways to coach yourself out of the land of worry. "It takes practice and patience," Leahy says, "but ultimately it boils down to readjusting how you think about the world and really believing that tomorrow is more likely to bring you something humdrum or wonderful than something frightening." The rewards of adjusting your mental habits -- sharper problem-solving skills, increased confidence and a less limited life -- are worth the effort. Here, seven of the most common and surprising ways we fret, with advice to help put worry behind you.

1. You seek constant reassurance.
There's no harm in getting a second opinion about a concern or decision, but asking for it repeatedly isn't useful. That's because it's easy to second-guess any response you get -- especially when you doubt yourself to begin with. Maybe you're worried that your husband no longer finds you attractive, so you ask him about it. He says, "Of course I find you attractive." But you're still not convinced. So you ask again...and again...and again.

No answer he gives could ever provide you with absolute certainty -- about your looks, your marriage or anything else. So stop and ask yourself why you're not taking the answer at face value. Are you hoping to validate your fears? The thing is, the answer you've already been given is the only one you'll get. Accept it, then take steps that will help you believe in yourself -- without relying on feedback from others.
Bottom line: Accept what you can't control, work on what you can.

2. You squelch your worries.
Maybe you fear losing your job. Whenever the thought pops up, you resolve to put it right out of your head. By not allowing yourself to dwell on this fear for even a second, you think you're training yourself not to worry about it. But, in reality, what you're doing is reinforcing your fear by not facing it head-on. Instead, advises Leahy, "Take five to 10 minutes and repeat to yourself, 'It's always possible that I will lose my job.' Your anxiety will shoot up at first, but you'll find that after a few minutes, you'll calm down as the thought loses its power." Allowing your mind to consider the possibility rationally gives it less weight. You begin to see for yourself that just because you are thinking about the worst-case scenario doesn't mean it will necessarily happen.
Bottom line: Acknowledge your scary thoughts and you'll lessen their power.

3. You arm yourself with irrelevant information.
Your MO for handling something that concerns you is to gather as much information about it as you can. It's a sensible strategy -- but don't be too quick to pat yourself on the back. The value of your fact-finding mission depends a lot on the kind of information you seek out. If you're worried about flying and then Google "plane crashes," you'll get dozens of results about terrible accidents, says Leahy. "But what if you Googled 'safe landings'?" he asks. "What would you find then?" It's called confirmation bias: wanting to prove your fear is real and then finding information that confirms it. No matter what your concern (the likelihood of getting the West Nile virus, the dangers of day-care centers, etc.), get into the habit of asking yourself, "Am I collecting useful information, or am I just confirming my fear?"
Bottom line: Make like Woodward and Bernstein -- weigh the value of your sources and always think about both sides of the story.

4. You "just check"...again and again.
Say you notice an odd-shaped mole on your arm for the first time. You think, I should really have someone look at that to make sure it's not cancerous, and you jot yourself a note to see your dermatologist. That's a prudent response, says Leahy. But what if you checked it again an hour later, and then an hour after that, and then an hour after that. "Each time you check, the primitive part of your brain registers that nothing has changed and that, therefore, it must be the checking that has kept the disease at bay," says Leahy. "It's like the rooster taking credit for the sunrise." Retrain your brain by gradually limiting your checking of anything -- that you locked the door, that your babysitter is okay or that your email was sent. When you feel the (seventh) urge to check your sent folder, get up and take a watercooler break instead. It may not be easy, but after a few days you'll find that you have less of a desire to "just make sure" so often. Then, in your brain, the action of checking will no longer be tied to the positive result.
Bottom line: Confirm once, then move on.

5. You put things off.
News flash: Procrastination is just a fancy form of worry. When you procrastinate, you are holding unpleasant tasks and uncomfortable emotions at arm's length instead of taking a deep breath and facing them. For example, April 15 is looming and you haven't even peeked at your W-2s. You're dreading finding out how much money you owe. So you put off filing until the very last minute. Or, perhaps you know you're due for a mammogram but somehow can't seem to find the time to fit the appointment into your busy schedule.

No one can blame you for not wanting to face a big tax bill or have your breasts X-rayed for cancer. But you may also be avoiding feelings of inadequacy (Why am I earning so little?) or fear (What if they find a spot on my breast?). Ignoring important issues such as your finances or health just makes your anxiety worse -- and it also makes it last longer.
Instead, ask yourself what the cost and benefit will be of facing what you dread now. Yes, you may get some bad news. But at least you'll know what you're dealing with sooner rather than later, when the situation may be harder to change. Another way to avoid procrastination: Tackle the thing you hate to do most, like calling an important client or paying bills, first thing in the morning. Ah -- an entire worry-free day stretches before you!
Bottom line: Facing your fears head-on allows you to put worry out of the picture.

6. You practice, practice, practice.
Being well prepared is the best way to gain confidence before entering any stressful situation. But there is such a thing as trying to be too perfect. For example, if you hate speaking in crowds, you may rehearse your speech for hours. The good news? You pull off the presentation without a hitch. The bad news? You're mentally zapped -- and you could have been just as prepared had you spent two hours practicing instead of eight. And with that extra six hours you could have read a book, played with your kids or cuddled with your guy. To prepare without overdoing it, set a limit -- from the get-go -- on how much time you'll invest. Afterward, if you still feel the impulse to prep more, remind yourself of the work you already did. Then, when you experience success without a huge investment of time, you'll begin to trust your talents and yourself more.
Bottom line: Listen for -- and learn to trust -- the internal cues that tell you you're prepared enough.

7. You think it over...and over and over.
Ruminating -- mulling a problem or decision over and over again -- is something that women are pros at. In layman's terms: You obsess about things. "When you ruminate, it's because there's some reality you just can't swallow," says Leahy. You and Debbie really hit it off, but she never called to set up that tennis game, so what happened? What did you miss? You noodle different Did-I-offend? scenarios, searching for a clear answer. Ruminators believe that if they keep thinking, it will all eventually make sense. The reality is, some things never make sense. If you recognize and remind yourself that there is a limit to what you're able to know and understand or control, you'll be better able to move on. And by limiting the universe of things that you get to personally know and control, you lighten your mental load.
Bottom line: Make your peace with all that you can't ever know -- and let go.

Excessive, uncontrollable worry, combined with feelings of anxiety, is a common, life-impairing condition known as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Medication and/or behavioral therapy can successfully treat GAD. If you've been experiencing the following for six months or more, seek the help of a therapist:

You avoid doing activities you know you like, such as calling friends, getting work done or initiating activities, because of worry.

You spend much of your time with friends complaining about your problems and concerns.

Your worry causes so much stress that it affects your health. Many people with GAD suffer from irritable bowel syndrome, headaches, palpitations, sleep disturbances and fatigue.

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