Monday, February 11, 2008

FAA: 'Planes can drop waste, but with tiny parachutes.'

The Federal Aviation Administration finally approved the dumping of airplane waste, while airborne, as long as flight crews freeze and attach tiny parachutes beforehand. For years now airplane crews, with crossed fingers, have released human waste from the sky, which in turn freezes because of the high altitudes, causing some casualties and massive property damage on the ground. Airplane waste has ripped through roofs, taken out clothes lines, frightened squirrels, narrowly missed hills, landed in empty ocean waters, left puddles of blue water and captured the imagination of many. Some experts have hinted that falling airplane waste may have caused the 2004 Tsunami in Southeast and Central Asia. Officials estimate that 99.99%of the falling dung lands safety in desolate back country.
The new rule calls for planes to have small parachutes on board that flight attendants must tie to the pre-frozen blue ball before releasing. After the waste is frozen it maneuvers up a tube, similar to a drive-thru bank deposit tube, before arriving at an opening. Attendants drill a hole through the center of the block, thread a vinyl strap through and clip on a parachute. "This makes it so the s__t won't hurt anybody," said a frustrated Gina Kinney, FAA CRAP(Controls Regulating the Acceleration of Poop)Rep. Sanitation requirements forbid the waste-handling attendant from partaking in cabin food or drink service for 15 minutes after attaching the parachute.

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