February 1, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

I wish I lived 4,500 years ago! This is so awesome!

Archeologists have recently uncovered a long buried ancient settlement that shows the people of Stonehenge were regular party animals. The primitive collection of huts, less than two miles from Stonehenge, seemed to have been used seasonally for wild and depraved celebrations, making it the prehistoric precursor to Spring Break.

The celebrations took place in the middle of winter, making the sporting of thongs and the enjoyment of disturbing public sex acts nearly impossible. The conditions forced these ancient people to party indoors, which they took advantage of by covering the floors of their huts with half-eaten pig bones and smashed food bowls. The smells produced by the filth rival those of a modern day frat house couch-cushion, though lacking the trademark biological stains.

Archeologists, despite their best efforts, were unable to find any ancient contraceptive devices, likely long gone due to the inhabitants living in the Bronze Age and never quite reaching the Latex Age. Bronze contraceptive devices had been found to be exceedingly unpleasant long before 2500 BC, approximately when Stonehenge was constructed. An early form of Catholic contraception is thought to have flourished during this period.

The settlement did contain a wooden replica of Stonehenge, which instead of framing the midwinter solstice sunset like Stonehenge, framed the midwinter solstice sunrise. Even after a long night of partying the Neolithic revelers could appreciate the beauty of a sunrise, right before vomiting into a clay pot, while laying next to a complete stranger, who looked a lot more attractive the night before.

Just looking at all of this bleak stone makes me want to party!

The combination of the settlement and Stonehenge are thought to make up one large religious complex for these people, who worshipped their ancestors. Stonehenge and the nearby river were used to bury the remains of the dead. Some say the raucous parties developed out of a need to rebound from the crushing lows of saying farewell to loved ones. Some would call it a celebration of life, before slinking away to a corner for a quick cry and possibly a conciliatory grope.

Reality is a cruel mistress and even the prehistoric people of Britain understood that. Like a leather-clad dominatrix in a dingy dungeon, the people mixed pleasure with their pain. The wild winter celebration was a way to deal with their miserable, short lives. The glimmer of hope that partying provided them lasted the whole year. If they had somehow gained access to recreational drugs they, and their way of life, may have survived to this very day, alive and completely oblivious.

~Julius Serpentine