﻿ Parenting Sheet 12A on Rochford Life Magazine
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Parenting Guide Sheets
12. Reasons for Behaviour

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Page 12A
Introducing this Page
The purpose of this page is to now consider specific reasons why your child behaves like they do.   
Key Reasons why your Child behaves as it does
a) Their stage of development
b) Their place in the Family Structure   
c) You  
d) Their state of health   
e) The state of their self-esteem   
f) The rules they have learnt   
g) Fears   
h) Wilful Selfishness       
Key Reasons why your Child behaves as it does
Already from what we've seen previously, we have noted that children's behaviour is determined by:
a) Their stage of development
At different ages they have different capabilities and think, feel and therefore act differently
The younger they are the more likely are they to do ‘childish things' which may be plain silly!   
As they grow, they are struggling to learn their place in the world and at times that may cause them worries and anxieties that you need to address by talking to them.
They need to learn as they develop under your care, what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.
As teenagers they will be learning independence and the wise parent learns to show concern mixed with flexibility.
Example 1: Michael drops a dish when drying up. Question: How old is he? Is it just that he's still very young and his manual dexterity has not developed? Scolding him would thus be inappropriate. Encouragement about being aware of the slipperiness of the plates would let him know you still think he's up to the job, and you want him to continue helping.
Example 2: Four year old Tina wets her pants and starts to cry. Chastening her for it will only make her feel more tense and fearful of doing it again. An encouraging, “Oh never mind, let's get you some dry pants. Sometimes we forget to get to the toilet” will show concern without anxiety.
Example 3: Six year old Peter comes out with a word, obviously picked up from a friend at school, that you consider ‘bad language'. The probability is that he has no idea what it means, and so a gentle query and advice not to use words you don't know the meaning of, might be more appropriate than getting upset over his language. Time for talking may come as he gets older.
Example 4: Seven year old Jane brings work home from school to be done over the weekend. You know she's not very good with time and so a simple discussion could follow as to when she can do it without it taking up too much of her time, and will encourage her to get into a discipline with homework, with you acting as her encourager.
Example 5: Twelve year old Sam wants to go to a sleepover with her friends. The indifferent and uncaring parent lets it happen without comment. The insecure parent bans her from going. The caring parent sits and talks with her about who will be there, what adults will be in the house and when she will want picking up the next day. Care and concern without expressing over-anxiety help Sam understand that you care and that there are things you want to know about to ensure her safety, while not wanting to spoil her fun.
b) Their place in the family structure
If you have more than one child then there are age and position dynamics that come into play and we briefly noted them on an earlier page.
Relating to others is a critical learning area and the more brothers and sisters they may have, the more they have to learn this.
Somehow you have to teach the single child that they are not the all-important person in the world, and you have to teach them how to share and relate to others, without the benefit of being able to use their siblings to do that.
Example 1: Five year old Louise has now got a baby sister. So far Louise has been the only child receiving all the love of Mum and Dad. Mum needs to explain before the baby arrives, that the baby will need a lot of care in the early months and she would like Louise to help her with simple things around the house. Instead of feeling rejected by the advent of the new baby, Louise is being promoted to special helper. At the same time Dad takes care to ensure Louise is fully included in the life of the family.
Example 2: Three year old Gareth has two older brothers, Chris who is eight and Derek who is thirteen. Gareth feels the baby and tends to be getting pushed around by the two older boys. A gentle discussion with the older boys about what it must be like to be only three, may pave the way to greater understanding and care by them for their younger brother.
c) You
Your behaviour, setting an example of how life can be lived, is of primary importance.
If you are stressed, they will feel it.
If you disrespect other people, they will disrespect other people – and that may include you.
If your moral values are loose, (you condone stealing from work, say) they will also come to believe that is acceptable – but may also take from home!
Example 1: Eight year old Graham hears Dad excuse himself from helping at the sports club they belong to, with an obvious untruth. A while later his Mum catches Graham telling a lie to avoid trouble, to which he replies, “Well Dad tells lies, so why shouldn't I.” Your children will be a mirror for your misdoings! Even worse, they will reveal you to the rest of the world!
Example 2: The kids see Dad sit around doing nothing when Mum is in obvious need of help. Subsequently they never offer to help around the home either. Behaviour is catching!
Example 3: Mum tries to correct six year old Alan but Dad clearly wants nothing to do with it. Alan realises he can get away with things with Dad and that that will act as a means of undermining Mum's desires to discipline him. Divided standards cause more division and upset!
In addition to these we can add:    
d) Their state of health

When a child is tired they feel cranky and have behaviour to match. They may need food or more sleep than they are getting.
If they are ill they may feel low.
Example 1: After picking five year old Gillian up from school, Mum wants to go shopping but finds that Gillian is cranky and irritable and won't co-operate going round the shops. Instead of getting angry, Mum needs to realise that Gillian's blood sugar level is low and if they are going shopping a drink or a small cake might go a long way to giving Gillian the energy she needs.
Example 2: Six year old Brian starts complaining of headaches. Mum starts subtly checking if he can see things at a distance, just in case he is suffering from eye-strain and needs glasses. She also talks with her Mum to see if the ‘wisdom of age' has got any helpful thoughts.

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