Exasperated Health Officials Move to Rebrand Every Fruit and Vegetable as Superfoods

Letourneau, J. et al

Frustrated by the immense challenge of getting people to eat a better diet, a statement issued by exasperated health officials combined all fruits and vegetables in a new category called “superfoods” and recommended that everyone eat five to nine servings of superfoods a day. [1] [2] This new category includes foods such as blueberries and kale that have previously been referred to as superfoods, while consolidating these with humbler products like broccoli, beans, and mushrooms.

“Sure, the idea started as a marketing scheme,” said Food and Nutrition Director Gerard Rhodes, “But the more we thought about it, we realized that compared to the majority of what people are eating, honestly, anything you can find in the produce section is actually pretty super. I mean, we feed lab mice a Western diet to induce intestinal inflammation.” [3]

To raise awareness of the importance of superfoods, Rhodes and colleagues are launching a social media campaign alongside the new announcement. “No one should have to visit a government website and read boring paragraphs about nutrition, all health information should be communicated through buzzwords and shortcuts.”

To that end, the team has created a series of infographic/meme hybrids for each superfood and are sharing them in various Facebook groups, online message boards, and Tik Toks. “In our focus groups, people said they were more likely to eat a given superfood – say, squash, for example – if it was accompanied by phrases like ‘antioxidants to fight cancer’ and ‘make your dick real big.’ Bright colors also seemed to be important.” [4]

When pressed on the scientific validity of these claims, a visibly weary Rhodes shrugged. “Look, people are already saying these things. I say we just roll with it. If this is what it takes to get people to put a few green things into their body outside of Shamrock Shake season, so be it.” [5]

When it was pointed out to Rhodes that branding fruits and vegetables as superfoods would likely make them more expensive, therefore rendering them less accessible to low income marginalized communities, Rhodes paused, flipped over the table and yelled “GODDAMNIT.”

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About Author

Jeffrey Letourneau

Jeff works in a poop lab, where he is trying to spin a love of food and microbes into a PhD. You can follow him on Twitter @letourjeff.

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