How to Grieve on Memorial Day

If you lost someone who was in the military, Memorial Day can be a difficult time.
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When Memorial Day rolls around, many people in the U.S. are focused on getting in a great three-day weekend and vacationing with friends or family. However, the holiday, which commemorates the people who've died while serving in the military, can often be a difficult time for those who've personally lost someone who was either on active duty or was a veteran.

Luckily, there are many steps people can take to process that grief during the holiday while also dealing with the celebratory environment that often happens during Memorial Day weekend.

Strategies for grieving

Memorial Day weekend can bring up a number of emotions for people who've lost someone. Danielle Dumont, a registered art therapist, tells Teen Vogue that the first step for people who might be grieving is to recognize and acknowledge those feelings. "Grief is a natural and necessary process," she says. "There are no set stages to grief; grief is similar to being on a roller coaster, there are ups, and there are downs; acknowledging how you are feeling, is important. It is okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel sad, and admitting this may be uncomfortable. Mourning is a painful process."

There are many concrete strategies people can use to cope with that grief once they admit it's there; chief among those is talking it out. "Have a conversation," Dumont explains. "People tend to get caught up by this three-day weekend, but reach out, there are people that will listen whether it be a friend, family member or mental health professional. It is crucial to explore your feelings, and express yourself."

Dumont says another avenue to explore is self-care, whether that means taking a walk, lighting a candle, exercising or doing something else that allows people to feel relaxed and cared for.

Additionally, Lauren Hasha, a licensed professional counselor, recommends communicating with the person you lost. "Visit their grave site if possible, or go for a walk and talk to them out loud," she explains. "If that feels forced or uncomfortable, try writing a letter to your loved one, outlining your gratitude and love for them and telling them how much they are missed." She adds that people can also engage in rituals they did with their loved ones, like going to a specific place they used to hang out.

How to deal with inappropriate or disrespectful celebrations

One of the most difficult parts of grieving over a holiday like Memorial Day is that many people all over the country aren't, and that can lead to problems if others are celebrating in ways people who lose someone might find inappropriate.

Hasha says that if people feel comfortable, it's OK to speak up. "Confront the disrespectful celebration directly with assertive communication," she explains. "You may say something like, 'I know this might be just another holiday for you, but for myself and many other Americans, it is a day to remember our loved ones who have died. Barbecues are fine, but please respect those of us who are grieving today.'"

If others aren't listening, Dumont says it's completely fine to remove yourself from the situation. "Do what is right for you," she notes. "It is so important to set boundaries."

How to be there for a friend who's grieving

On the flip side, people who haven't lost someone who was in the military may be unsure how they can help those who are grieving during the holiday.

Dumont says the most important thing people can do is acknowledge the feelings of people who've lost someone. "Reach out to them, ask them if they would like to talk about it," she explains. "If you're nervous that you might not know what to say, remember that sometimes, you don't have to say anything. Listening and providing your friend with a space to express themselves may be exactly what he or she needs."

Hasha adds that it may help to set aside time for an actual memorial during the holiday weekend if it's appropriate. "You can keep it brief by saying a few words of respect to those who have died, or you can give friends and family members opportunities to speak about their loved ones," she says. The important thing, though, is that people take the time to remember what Memorial Day is all about.


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