What is a Personality Disorder? Storm's Edge Therapy

What is a Personality Disorder?

What is a Personality Disorder? Storm's Edge TherapyDistress, Dysfunction, Danger

A person has a disorder of their personality when they don’t feel safe and secure in the world; they do not assume their world is safe; therefore, they are compelled to make it safe for themselves. However, they only have one strategy to make themselves safe in the world using this tried and tested strategy in all situations and all of the time. While in theory, these are good strategies, their unsystematic causes distress, dysfunction and/or danger. This means that their earnest efforts at creating a safe and secure environment have very real limits; their approach does work at times but when it doesn’t, they have no flexibility.

Let’s take a look at some of these helpful strategies that now they might cause harm to a person due to a lack of flexibility. There are different types of personality disorders; these are defined by their safety strategy:

  • The Narcissists’ strategy is to feel safe by being insulated (not isolated) and superior. This can be a great approach to situations where others are “losing their heads”, like in a crisis for example. This is one of the reasons that narcissists thrive in certain roles like management or as surgeons. However, this is a terrible way of trying to make friends, dating, when trying to make a sale, etc; any area of life that requires connection or co-operation.
  • Borderline Personality Disorder makes safe by cocooning themselves in chaos; in crisis they legitimately don’t need to worry about the bigger picture, like who you are or where you belong.
  • Dependent Personality Disorder, they are safe by exclusively focusing on the needs of others; you don’t have needs, so you don’t need to feel safe as long are others are ok.
  • Schizotypal Personality Disorder, they are safe from reality in magical thinking realms.
  • Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, in perfectionism they feel safe because they do everything possible hoping that a problem never even arises.
  • And so on for each personality disorder; centred on one inflexible strategy to be safe and to feel okay.

What is a Personality Disorder? Storm's Edge TherapyThe House Always Wins

One of the most well-established psychological principles is that when a reward is inconsistent its use is reinforced, in this case the occasional success of your safety strategy. This means that when there is a disordered personality, the sufferer knows from experience that their approach does in fact work. This fortifies the idea that “if it is not working now, then I should just try harder”; the problem today is my implementation, not the proven strategy. This is the same scenario that digs gamblers into deep holes, an instinct called doubling down. The gambler was winning with a strategy and when their “luck turns”, they stick to the same tactic merely because it worked well in the past.

The key flaw underlying this entire problem of personalities in disorder is the lack of flexibility. Like the gambler, you are not evaluating why your current method of making safe is not working. This is largely because you feel too fragile to let your defences down long enough to look at the situation and partly because you don’t have alternative tactics ready to apply. Deep down you feel fragile, vulnerable, stuck and don’t know what else to do.

Do take a look at our pages and other blogs relating to personality.

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Controlling Social Space Storm's Edge Therapy

Controlling Social Space

Threat Management (4)

Controlling Social Space Storm's Edge Therapy

In summary so far, the responses outlined above are the immediate moving aggressively towards or backing away from physical danger: Mastering of Danger. Next, there is the response of being overwhelmed and shutting down in response to a threat either rigidly or in collapse: Managing of Overload. Then in response to long-term psychological danger, there is engaging or disengaging from interpersonal control: Manipulating of Others. The next two responses are also framed in partnerships, but in relation to managing the danger within a social interaction like a conversation or meeting. Following the model, there are also two opposing ways of closing down a psychologically or socially situation that is threatening.

Look Away Towards Me

Controlling Social Space Storm's Edge TherapyThe first is the Frenzy Response; when a person goes into a manic state and in a disorganised manner takes over the social space. This leaves no room for others to contribute and is chaotic enough so they are not able to easily take control; essentially they create a type of safety by taking up all the space so no one else can. This is a response commonly seen in therapy when the client feels that some internal material will be too much to handle.

It is also seen in certain psychiatric disorders like anxiety or borderline personality disorder for example. It is one way to conceptualise a troubled teenager who is taking up all of the space in the household to prevent greater threats from developing, like an argument between their parents. If everyone is focused on their drama they are setting the agenda; so while they may be receiving negative attention this is better then some greater danger.

Pouring it All Out

The social threat partner commonly used is similar to Frenzy in that it takes over the space in the conversation to disable others from any level of control. However, it is not chaotic, but highly directional and focused. And it is not about managing the other person as much as releasing the internal pressure. This is the Fountain Response; where the person rapidly and intensely pours out everything that is inside. We could see this as a frantic venting of an intense emotion. The tactic puts the person evacuating at the centre of the conversation. Instead of trying to shut down and overwhelm the other person, it has the effect of drawing them into a position of sympathy and care.

Controlling Social Space Storm's Edge TherapyAlthough this might be seen as a healthier response, where you are getting an emotional release and potentially some support. It is still a psychological pattern that is aimed at managing threats that do not move the person out of the victim position. This is because the response is still uncontained; it is still coming from survival mode and desperation. The strategy is not actually to shift the evacuator into a position of power, but needs the receiver to rescue and assume the task of containing.

These are still mainly responding to threats applying psychological patterns that are outside of conscious choice. Evacuating everything that is inside, largely indiscriminately, is still an extremely uncomfortable position with the person feeling like they’re in danger and needing to defend themselves. In addition, the emotional catharsis may be short-lived, because there are likely little boundaries around this manic response: is this a safe person, a safe situation, how will the use this information. The person can feel extremely vulnerable afterwards as they probably shared internal experiences that they did not expect or plan which can lead to shame, regrets and feeling exposed. This does not then feel like relief or shifting into a position of been empowered.

In this Blog post, we extended our understanding to threat responses by including Frenzy and Fountain, in the next post we discover the ways that we organise our personalities as a survival strategy.


Collapsing to Survive Storm's Edge Therapy

Collapsing to Survive

Threat Management (3)

When working with people adapting to horrible circumstances and then supporting them to make a life beyond merely surviving, a number of other threat management patterns are evident. These additional psychological patterns are all aimed at managing ongoing detrimental situations, rather than a shock response by the nervous system. The partnered Flight and the Flight responses are aimed directly at managing a physical threat situation, either by moving towards or away.

Flopping Over

Collapsing to Survive Storm's Edge TherapyThe Freeze response is when the sympathetic nervous system overloads with its partner being the Flop Response. This is not about a hyperarousal that has overwhelmed the person, but a true opposite of a parasympathetic nervous system overactivation. Flopping actually looks quite different; rather than the intensity and rigidity of the Freeze Response, here we find a collapse. The body becomes soft and floppy, even to the point of falling over. There isn’t a fear emotional response as in freezing, but a disconnecting from emotions – all emotions. And the mind becomes vague and confused without a clear direction or plan.

Collapsing to Survive Storm's Edge TherapyA Flop Response can be both acute and chronic. The immediate response to a threat could look like daydreaming, confusion or even fainting. And the chronic long-term response is a disengagement from getting your needs met, setting future goals, even simply having preferences or wishes, etc. This can be a response to an immediate threat that is physical, but more likely to something that is ongoing and psychological or social; like being bullied or an abusive domestic environment. A life that has “flopped” is passive and empty with the person following the path of least resistance as a lifestyle. The cover mantra that helps make this strategy ok is “making the best of a bad situation”.

Faking Your Way Through

Last in the standard Threat Management Model is the Fawning Response; this is the strategic manipulation of a dangerous person by proactively meeting their needs. The word fawning, displaying exaggerated flattery or affection, is used to evoke the idea of fake and exaggerated pleasing behaviour. This is not an authentic attending to someone through admiration, but a survival strategy born out of abuse and desperation. However, it is a means of gaining some degree of power as it is the pleaser that is orchestrating and potentially reducing the harmfulness of the situation.

Collapsing to Survive Storm's Edge TherapyThe partner to Fawning is the Fibbing (Faking) Response, where you disengage from a person or a situation by lying. This is a strategy that works when a threat is built around a set of circumstance; the victim will change the circumstance through misinformation. So when a dangerous person makes a demand, accusation or judgement, the victim would lie and present the situation differently with the hope that’s this will change the expectation and, in turn, reduce the threat. Like Fawning, lying can be used to deescalate an immediate situation, but is built on an ongoing strategy that has become a habit for survival.

Outlined in these first three blogs in the Threat Management Series is the standard, if extended, model of survival responses to a threat. There is a movement from immediate, biological reactions to what could almost be called “lifestyle” strategic responses as well as expanding from events to include relationships. An additional dimension to this framework is that each level has an active (Fight, Freeze, Fawn) and a passive partner (Flight, Flop, Fib/Fake) partner. This reflects the broader difference in strategies of either engaging or disengaging. This is why the model is most often merely called the Fight or Flight response; in addition to those responses being the most biologically identifiable and established.

[Side Note: On Being a Victim]

Throughout this series the term victim is used, which is considered in many situations to be politically incorrect. As it is seen as a judgment of the person and diminishing or derogetory. However, this is a specific choice as all the responses described are from a position of having no power. Although some responses are more strategic and effective at reducing harm, they are still about the person not been able to control the situation. A victim is a person being controlled and in the position of responding, rather than being able to determine the situation and outcome on their own terms. A victim is a responder not an agenda setter. A survivor has shifted to the position of been able to control their own situation, rather than only being in a position of reacting. It is inaccurate, disrespectful and invalidating when somebody feels like they have no control and are the victim of the situation to not acknowledge the true state that they are in. When feeling like a victim this can be acknowledge without implying some character flaw or that they are forever powerless to change. A victim is a real position to be in as well as a real place to escape from – a journey defined.

In this Blog post we completed the standard Threat Response Model by including Flopping and Fibbing(Faking), while in the next post we discover further long-term coping mechanisms that you might be using without knowing.



Pleasing Others to Cope Storm's Edge Therapy

Pleasing Others to Cope

Threat Management (2)

Pleasing Others to Cope Storm's Edge Therapy

Surely, there must be more than just our automatic biological reaction to immediate danger. In this globalised world of pandemics, market crashes and global warming we also have our everyday lives filled with traffic jams, office politics and exploding to-do lists. Although you may now be feeling stressed from the description so far, we can still add elements of our lives that are invisible. Change, for example, can be exciting but it is also challenging, especially when we are not quite ready for the next new trend or situation. You might not see these as dangerous, but your body does and still needs mechanisms to cope.

Frozen in Fear

So following the previous blog (“Beyond Fight/Flight/Freeze”) while the Freeze Response is not, in fact, the opposite of Fight and Flight as they are all an upregulated responses; we do have down regulated hypo-arousal responses. These are responses to threats that are overwhelming, but are longer-term and could be perils we have anticipated. Here we slow our system down for the long haul, a marathon strategy rather than for a sprint.

This is not a calming down to a comfortable normal, but a state of under arousal which means that many important functions are not getting enough resources. This is important as we still have an overactive sympathetic nervous system response; it is now stress that is in the background. The body is not in a healthy balance where the parasympathetic nervous system can shift from emergency rations into “feed and breed” and then into “rest-and-digest”.

Biological systems are compromised to the point where we might be agitated or irritable, struggle to sleep, feel overwhelmed and out of control, the immune system is under-resourced leading to chronic health complaints, etc. Socially we withdraw and psychologically we abandon our needs, like not bothering to set personal goals. These are responses that are built around learnt patterns of adapting to intangible threats where we feel powerless to escape. Added is the danger of compromised warning systems due to reduced awareness leading to poor avoidance and management of threats, a classic vicious cycle.

People Pleasing Response

Within the standard model that is currently evolving this is represented by the Fawning Response: pleasing a dangerous person by attending to their needs. This is a strategy to actively manipulate a situation to reduce the amount of threat by aligning with the danger.

Simply put, this is when a victim anticipates the needs of the perpetrator and gives them what they want in order to reduce the likelihood or the intensity of the threat.

This is an example of both the hypo-arousal, the slowing down of the central nervous system, and of implementing psychological patterns that have developed over time. In reality, this relational tactic can seem to be as automated and as natural as the more biological reactions to immediate danger. We see this method of making safety in the “people pleasing” strategy as well as in the Dependant Personality Disorder.

Pleasing Others to Cope Storm's Edge Therapy

In an ongoing abusive situation, the victim may feel that Fawning is both effective in reducing the danger and feel that they are in charge. However, this may be true in the sense that the situation might otherwise be much worse. But in reality, this is not a tool for creating a safe environment, instead merely a coping strategy. So the situation is, in essence, not changing and they are not in charge. This is still a person that is in danger and a body that is responding as such. Nevertheless, this is a functional long-term management strategy for an ongoing situation. Coping is good, but just coping is not good enough.

The primary danger with this response is that although it makes it possible for the person to survive the situation, it leaves them only surviving and nothing more. So while reducing the level of impact of the harm, it also reduces the motivation for the victim to find another solution. The result is that instead of working towards true safety, the person merely minimises harm. This can lead to accepting the current status quo as normal and unchangeable, maybe even acceptable or deserved. This is likely to make the feeling of powerlessness grow deeper with each bargain struck.

In this Blog we expanded from Fight/Flight/Freeze to include Fawning (pleasing), in the next Blog we discover more long-term coping mechanisms that you might be using without knowing.


Beyond Fight/Flight/Freeze Storm's Edge Therapy

Beyond Fight/Flight/Freeze

Threat Management (1)

We are generally quite familiar with descriptions of our Fight or Flight response to immediate danger; this is the up-regulation of our Central Nervous System, or a state of hyperarousal. In addition, people speak about a Freeze response; they do this implying that Freeze is the opposite response. Fight is the aggressive moving towards a physical threat with the goal of overpowering the situation. Flight is running away from danger in order to escape. While the Freeze response is seen as the involuntary shutting down of the nervous system. However, while this covers most of our reactions to immediate risk, there are a number of other ways that are as common within broader threat management but not as dramatic and easily recognised.

Beyond Fight/Flight/Freeze Storm's Edge Therapy

Now for a little theory, according to the current Polyvagal Theory of threat management Fight or Flight are seen as the responses of the evolutionary modern myelinated vagus nerve fibres. While the Freeze response is due to the activation of the evolutionary older unmyelinated fibres. So while we share the Fight and the Flight responses with our mammalian cousins; the Freeze response is far higher up the evolutionary tree, including all vertebrates: birds, reptiles and fishes.

Beyond Biology

However, this is not the whole picture of Threat Management in our daily lives. Firstly, human threat management responses are far more inclusive than only the immediate central nervous system reactions to immediate physical danger. Our modern lifestyles can open us to stresses and dangers that are ongoing, unavoidable and invisible. This can be from the daily commute jammed into a small train carriage, to mortgage payments, and job interviews to being trolled on social media where we don’t even know who or where in the world the threat is coming from. These are all dangers that cause a response within our bodies as well as mind that need to be managed, especially if the situation cannot be resolved.

A second limitation to the Fight/Flight/Freeze framework is that these are all automatic reactions of the nervous system becoming more aroused, “getting wound up”. The Freeze Response is misunderstood as a slowing down, but it is actually still a hyperarousal response. The nervous system is still regulating upward; however, the stress systems go up so high and/or so fast that there is an overload and then complete shutdown. Commonly this is due to feeling especially powerless or due to the shock of something happening so quickly or being completely unexpected.

Everyday Hidden Dangers

We as sophisticated and civilised social beings have a number of other responses to manage threats, especially ones that are not immediate and physical. Threats can also be social, psychological and structural. Such daily experiences are racism, a toxic work environment, a hyper-competitive family system, underemployment, etc are all intangible hazards that can even go unnoticed.

Beyond Fight/Flight/Freeze Storm's Edge Therapy

Our responses go far beyond merely waiting for a trigger and then implementing an automated response. People anticipate, notice patterns and strategically plan ways to either avoid or minimise the chance of the threat developing or just reduce its intensity. Within this range of risks and responses, we probably find a greater part of our everyday lives.

We speak of Flight or Fight because it is easier to notice these situations as well as the responses within our own systems, both body and mind. This gives us the illusion that we are not under threat, if we are not in a wound-up, hyperaroused state. However, many of the threats in our daily lives are not as noticeable and we don’t have this intense fear reaction; but these threats are as real and have, at least, as much impact on our bodies and our psychology.

With this understanding of the immediate fight/flight/freeze response, now let’s look at how we cope with ongoing dangers that we don’t see – “Pleasing Others to Cope“.
