`Original Sin' Must be Avoided
BEGIN VIDEO CLIP, "ORIGINAL SIN") UNIDENTIFIED ACTOR: Excuse me sir, the public is not allowed backstage.</s>BANDERAS: Don't put your hands on me, sir. That's my wife, dammit!</s>JOLIE: Louis, you've come to my rescue.</s>BANDERAS: Julia.</s>JOLIE: Just like a play.</s>BANDERAS: What are you doing here?</s>JOLIE: Isn't it exciting? Look at all the mysterious contraptions.</s>BANDERAS: Who was that man?</s>TRAVERS: OK, Lisa, we got a little out of traffic now, you know, but we're still outside. And this is our favorite segment, usually. Because we say there are these little small tiny, wonderful movies out there. And you know what, despite traffic...</s>SCHWARZBAUM: Not this time.</s>TRAVERS: ... Lisa and I couldn't find any. All we could find were two movies that should have underneath them: "Run for your lives."</s>SCHWARZBAUM: We're going to say, play in traffic rather than see these.</s>TRAVERS: So you've seen the scene from my pick, which is called "Original Sin," and you've seen Angelina Jolie, Lara Croft herself, steaming up the screen with the help of Antonio Banderas. And, indeed, their naked bodies aren't unattractive to look at. Unfortunately, they are allowed to speak. Michael Cristofer, the director and writer of this movie, has given them dialogue which is so appalling you just can't help but laugh. (</s>BEGIN VIDEO CLIP, "ORIGINAL SIN") BANDERAS: Laugh now when I tell you this: He loved you, Julia.</s>JOLIE: Julia is not here; Julia is dead.</s>TRAVERS: The movie is also set in 1880, which means in Cuba. And Angelina is a mail-order bride.</s>SCHWARZBAUM: So what does this mean for her tattoos?</s>TRAVERS: Her tattoos now have to be covered with makeup, so you just don't get to see enough tattoos. And you stare at the screen in incomprehension.</s>SCHWARZBAUM: All right, enough, enough, it doesn't matter. You know, the point is that this movie has been put off so many times, you already know that it had that kind of rot feeling. Well I'm talking about compost of a different sort. I'm talking about "Greenfingers."</s>TRAVERS: Ooh.</s>SCHWARZBAUM: All right, now I'm going to set it up and probably you're going to like it: If you liked "The Full Monty," if you liked "Billy Elliot"..</s>TRAVERS: Stop with that "Billy Elliot"!</s>SCHWARZBAUM: If you like the cloying British fake comedy, this is it for you. (</s>BEGIN VIDEO CLIP, "GREENFINGERS") UNIDENTIFIED ACTOR: That's right Dudley, gardening.</s>PETER GUINNESS, ACTOR: That's bollocks sir.</s>CLIVE OWEN, ACTOR: We're not bloody gardeners.</s>UNIDENTIFIED ACTOR: We've been prisoners long enough Colin. Let's be gardeners.</s>SCHWARZBAUM: This is a couple of British convicts -- a group of British convicts who discover self-esteem when they start planting flowers. It's based on a true story about convicts in England. Forget about it. It is so sickly sweet. And it takes two very good actors and puts them to pasture. It's just not the week for these two. So instead, I think we should listen to a musical memory...</s>TRAVERS: Me, you want me to sing again?</s>SCHWARZBAUM: I do -- I want a do anything rather than do "Original Sin." We'll see you next week, and maybe the pickings and the harvesting will be better.</s>TRAVERS: We're hoping.</s>SCHWARZBAUM: See you then.