1st of all this is going to be a bit of an long read so … take it to bed and read it as a bedtime story . It 's all true and your free to express your views and comments below . Terms and Conditions apply ! Right let 's start from the top ! Project P . K ! The project started off as an Valentine 's day card . I gave dad an idea and he made it into an real drawing . Now all I did was colour it in and send it off as an Valentine 's day card . I could of just said yeah that 's all good leave it as that but I went the next step further . I wanted to make it real . So the 1st stop was Goldsmiths in Victoria . An nice guy I know called Joe who works there tried to help me out . I gave him the design and he said he would give me an call . Now for what I wanted it for , he told me it will cost me over £ 2 . 500 . That 's right ! Over two thousand and five hundred pounds ! And to make things wrong it would be the size of … well 5mm ? And it would not look like the design nor would it have any pink on it at all . But he did suggest I try Hatton Gardens . Hatton Gardens is famous for been an place best for custom made jewellery and diamonds . I walked around this place looking for Joe 's friend Ifran who worked at an store in Hatton Gardens . I walked around and couldn 't find his place . In the end I said forget it just ask around and find out for myself . So I went into various shops and show them the design . Explaining the details and everything else . I was very close to handing over the project to two stores at that time due to been so cheap . But the last store I went into came out with an even better deal . £ 450 for an 18 carot white gold with the pink sapphire . Yes this does not mean it comes with the chain . But right then that was the least of my worries . All good I thought . What won me over was the 3D image San made of my design . That really made it real . Days later I gave San and David an call and said yeah I happy to hand the project off to you guys . So all that is left is to get the money and pay the good people ! So I got some money ready and paid £ 100 cash money and the £ 350 on card . All that was left was the phone call to tell me it 's ready to be picked up . As an thank you I wanted to give these guys an t - shirt with the company logo . Moving on to Project number two ! Project Company logo . This project was going to be designed by my good friend Digital Flesh . To be honest , it would of been the old logo Mummy D made . But due to her recent acts I didn 't use it . So again I explained to Flesh what I wanted the design to look like and he made it happen . It took him about an week and it was good to go . He told me of an store that printed t - shirts at the top of his road . Cool I thought . If they sound good then I can come back and e - mail the design . I went up there and got the prices and the lead time of how long it would take . Everything sounded in order and I thought aight let 's go ahead with it . So Flesh finished off the design and we e - mailed it to them . Keep in mind the guy said to me it will be done by Monday . So I thought cool . Each t - shirt cost £ 20 each and since I had 4 it came to £ 80 . So in my mind another project has been lifted off the ground and I don 't have to stress and worry about getting it done . While this was going on I asked dad to start work on the design for the 3rd ( and maybe final ) project . This project is called Project Pinky . Now Pinky started life as an 47 ″ pink elephant . Now he has been trimmed down to 30 ″ . I went around asking and e - mailing various companies asking can they do it . Some said yes we can but you need to do at least an thousand . -_ - Pass . But one company in America said yes we can go ahead and do it for you . So me and Diana at D - F has been going back and fourth with e - mails . At this current stage the project will start next month . Well that all depends on the change of the shipping charges and anything else . As of now this is how it looks . She wants me to do an deposit 3 ways . Each month basically been … say £ 500 for the 1st two months and the 3rd one will be about say … £ 700 . This is how it 's worked out . Quote from the e - mail : Now as of the 28 / 03 / 10 $ 738 . 26 is £ 496 . 00 . So two of those . Then $ 984 . 36 is £ 658 . 26p . To be honest , fair do . Go ahead and do make it . Yeah it is an lot but end of the day , if they can make and it 's cheaper than making an thousand made , do it . Back to Project Company T - shirt . Well Monday came and no phone call . So I went down there . See what was the delay . Now I looked and my bag was sitting in the same place it was on Friday night . -_ - Not even happy . She said to me she would give me an call Monday night and let me know the update . No phone call . So Tuesday I get an phone call during the day and it 's the t - shirt company . Said to me it should be done by Wednesday . Again no phone call to confirm this . Wednesday I thought I should pay an visit to the jewellery people . So I went to the store with the help of my manger giving me an lift . Went up to the door and my face dropped . I was happy expecting to pick it up . The store looked empty . As in it was opening up as an new store . No jewellery . No lights on . Just an empty store . I thought aight calm down just ask the people around what is going on . Across the road is an cafe . I asked them what is going on and the guy said the owner was moving . Moving I thought . Well why not put an sign up on the door or window explaining that ? Even still I thought aight ask the people outside next door if they know anything . I asked one of the guys and he said the guy has done an runner . I didn 't know what to say or think . I was like … don 't … lie . Now what do I do ? ! I lost £ 450 and my pendant . It was the fact that it was near collection that made it worst . Disappointed and very upset I went upstairs at my work place and made some phone calls . Police as crap as they are can 't help . If you paid them the money then they can 't help since you entered an contract with them . So what solutions did they come out ? Speak to solicitors . That 's going to be money I don 't have . The solicitors said I need to also pay someone to track him down . All of this money … Seriously where am I meant to get it from ? Sigh . Well anyway later that day I got an phone call from the guy and he explained that his store was robbed and that he is moving . He will meet me on Monday and i will have my pendant . Yippie Zippie ! Now let 's see what 's going on with Project Company T - shirt . I rang them up on Friday . The woman gave me some bull * * * * about oh I was just about to call you . Yeah my * * * you was * * * * * . They need me to come down and tell them where they want the logo . In the middle on the front . I mean really do you REALLY need me to show you where that is ? ! They are meant to be professionals . Well anyway I picked them up and I wasn 't happy with the end results . So £ 80 gone . At this stage I wanted to have an break down . It was all going wrong . Everything . The t - shirts , the pendant , the pink elephant … it was all going wrong . Wait I didn 't mention Lil Miss Pinky ? Ahhhhhh man let 's go there . Right now this is pretty stupid . An American website has the an small pink elephant and you can have an name on it . Now I call it Lil Miss Pinky and the date 14 / 02 / 10 as in to say I had this in mind since then . So what 's so stupid ? Well … this . They can ship an mug to the UK no problem . But an Pink elephant or anything cuddly . That 's an no no . Now if you ask me that is the biggest what the * * * * moment ever . I was like wait let me read this again . The F ? ! So I e - mailed them why and they basically said they can 't ship outside the USA . So I asked one of my Auntie 's if they can have it delivery to their house and sent to me afterwards ? Sure she said no problem . Now she liked the idea of both of these things I was doing and really thought it was an good idea . Sigh so now all I gotta do is wait for that to come . Hopefully my Auntie has it . So I wasn 't happy with how the t - shirts went so I wanted an improvement . I was advised to go to Brick Lane in East London . Not far from work so I found out . Found an place that could do it and have it ready in two hours . Cheaper as well since this also included the t - shirts as well . I 'm sold . I went back there the next day and got it looked at . I paid the guy and he did it in under two hours . One hour and an half . Ten t - shirts with the company logo . Update : And Monday is here ! ! ! So all day I been worried thinking , what do I do when I see David ? I rang him up and no joy . Phone was off . Not an good look ! I felt angry and could feel my manger saying I told you he isn 't coming . I went to get something to eat , and on the way I thought give him another ring . So I rang him up , and I heard it ringing ! So I asked do you want anything to eat or drink ? I was ready to give him something to show him that I was happy to see him come by ! He refused but I didn 't take offensive . When he turned up , we had an talk and he gave me the pendant . I 'm not going to lie , I felt like crying when I saw it . 18 carot white gold with the pink sapphire . I gave David two t - shirts . One for him and one for San . It was my way of saying thank you for making my dream become an reality . So all that 's left now is to get the chain ! I won 't do that till maybe next week Friday since I get paid then ! Plus since it 's going to be 18 carot white gold , it 's going to be an lot . Final update : I got the chain ! ! ! Now all I gotta do is sent it off ! To be honest I 'm really glad I done this and … I don 't know how but it 's bringing tears to my eyes even typing this out ! From reading this you can see how my journey has been . It 's been great and it 's been one ride that I will never forget ! I really hope she likes it all that I done and I really do hope she will be be very happy with me ! Thanks everyone for reading and the support for pushing me to finish off this project ! I 'm really glad I done this and I 'm glad everyone else can share this moment with me ! Thanks again ! The pendant and chain ( Pink Key ) has been valued as an grand . The chain cost £ 120 . The design of the T - shirts was done by Digital Flesh . Idea of the logo was mine . The 3rd project was scrapped due to too many problems . In all fairness I can understand why they would be so on edge . The design of Pink Key was done by my Dad , He was one of the very few people to see and hold the final result ! Will I do it again ? Hmmm maybe . I think 1st let me have an long deserved break and get my mind in peace . Who knows , maybe C . J will get one when his older . As for now I 'm looking to jet off an week or 2 and spend time with the family ! If anyone wants to get in contact or see pictures of the Project , send me an message ! Note this is a very personal story and is a very long read . All of the things said are based on what has happened to me . Please respect what I been through and if you do suffer from depression then you may feel worst . Life is a game of chess I always thought and still do . No one knows what move will be made next and who or when we will be taken off the chessboard . This is my story about how depression came into my life . For some people it 's not easy to admit their problems . Maybe they are ashamed or too embarrassed to talk about them . I understand that fully now . No one can understand your pain better than you . However that doesn 't mean they can 't be there to hear your story or be there to comfort you . I remember it clearly like it was yesterday . Rain falling down hard like there was a backlog of it . I ran into the hospital , asking where my girlfriend at the time was . Shaking like a leaf I found her . My friend who was with me calmed me down . How did this happen ? Why did it ? To make any sense of it , we will have to go back in time just a few hours . I was at work and my friend called me on my mobile . Problem is you can 't pick it up due to it been work and my lunch break wasn 't due yet . He came into the shop and demanded to speak to me . Manger at the time was being a dickhead and told him he couldn 't see me and had to wait until I finished work . I heard his voice and walked upstairs and asked him what was going on . He explained . All I remember was me being in a state of panic and walking out . My manger was pissed off at me and even though he heard the story , he said I could wait until after work . I looked at him and walked out and said " call this my notice " . My friend drove me to the hospital and we went in . I couldn 't believe it . My girlfriend was on her way to the hospital but had an accident on the way . Someone had knocked her over . She was only a few steps down the stairs . Someone pushed her and she fell to the ground . That may not sound so bad ; however she was 7 months pregnant with our child . She was instantly rushed to the hospital . The anger and sadness mixed into one made me cry my soul out . I didn 't know what to say to anyone . All I knew was I had to see how she was . When I got to her room I took a deep breath and walked in . She looked at me and was crying , she was swearing at me and if she could she would have thrown stuff at me . I was ordered out of the room due to me causing more stress to her . I later found out that the baby died . She died of a Stillbirth . I was lost again . Broken in half and felt like nothing mattered any more . She blamed me for it . Blamed me for not being there with her . At the time I accepted it . I took the blame . It was my fault . My dream was over . I never told anyone about our daughter and wanted to keep it a surprise until she was born . I wanted to show everyone I was a dad . Me and my girlfriend at the time always wanted a child of our own . We were both near enough the same person , we felt like true soul mates . We clicked the first time we talked and became close really fast . When she told me she had something to tell me I didn 't know what to expect . And was scared she was gonna say she was leaving me . That wasn 't it at all . She was pregnant . I remember her sleeping in my arms so tight that night and both of us not letting go of each other . However she was hiding another secret . She was married to someone else . She told me when she was 4 months pregnant . I didn 't know if I wanted to be with her after that . I felt betrayed . But then who wouldn 't ? Why didn 't she just tell me from the start ? She kept telling me she was leaving him and would be with me instead . It turned into an on and off relationship from there on . At that stage I started to question if she really did love me , or if she was just simply using me as nothing more than an escape route . Deep down in my heart I felt that it was love between us , and it wasn 't just simply a case of me been used . So as you know I lost my daughter . It was one of the biggest blows to me . One that made me started drinking . I drank morning , day and night from a range of WKD , Jack Daniels ; Southern Comfort … The list goes on . I didn 't care about my life at all ; I just wanted it to end . I stayed with my Granddad at this stage and whatever money he gave me I used on drink . He didn 't know I was drinking of course . But he soon found the bottles . He was pissed off at me and I broke down and told him why . I felt guilty as sin , and hugged him while we both cried . He understood why I turned like this but told me that there is another way . Reinvent myself . Look towards a better tomorrow . I started to clean myself up . The cries for a drink were so loud they were deafening , but I had to leave it behind . After a while I found work in Safeway 's . Things were good and felt like a fresh start at last . A few weeks later I got a text from mum saying she had something to tell me . I came home that night not knowing what it was . She lay in bed with the light been off , this is normally the way of mum having a serious conversation . One thing about her is that she won 't go to the doctors unless she is truly ill . It 's her pride ; she has always been like this . I sat on the bed and let her tell me what was wrong . I actually thought she was going to say her and Dad were going to spilt after so long . But no , it was something a lot more serious , she had breast cancer . I didn 't know what to say or do ; I had wanted to speak to her about my problems . But how could I now ? Knowing how ill she is ? It was so bad they had to remove the whole left breast . I couldn 't think at work and my anger and sadness got the worst of me . Each day I went to see her at the hospital . This one day was the worst , she was leaning forward out of her bed and I saw the needles in her back which made me feel terrible . I wanted to cry but I couldn 't do it , not in front of her while she is trying to be strong . I went in the next day to work and was pale and shaking . The manger wanted to see me and to be honest it was the last thing I needed was some power tripping person like him . I saw him and his words made me so angry that I cried . And I quote " I don 't care if your mum is in hospital , you need to be here . " I notice a picture of a little girl in his wallet which he had out on the table . I asked him if that was his little girl . He said yes . So I told him if your little girl had to go hospital , you wouldn 't be here in work , you would be by her bedside . I walked out with staff members asking how I was and why I was shaking so much . I couldn 't bare to face anyone or answer the questions so I had my face covered in my hood . Few days later I was told that she was allowed to come home , but also had to leave her bed by 7am . This was because they needed to free as many hospital beds as they could . I never asked her about the operation but was told they had to remove her left breast completely . While been back at home Mum never showed her hair and used my bandanna to cover her head , even after having a shower . I knew she was bold , but it 's not something you want to talk about or show either . Again this was Mum being proud and feeling vulnerable , which I respected and understood . During this period of time mum asked me would I do something for her . I asked what she wanted me to do . She wanted me to cut my plats off . Truth be told I never thought about how much it must have been hurting her , knowing she had lost her hair and me walking around with mine . I sat down on the bed and she kept saying I 'm going to do it and told her " come on do it already " . After she cut one off I could hear her crying . She gave me a massive hug with the words thank you . Later that Same day I went to see my Uncle and asked him to cut it off fully . In a weird way I could still feel mum 's tears falling while this was being done . I smiled to myself thinking I 'm doing this for her and until her hair grew back , I 'd stay like this . At this time I moved back in with mum and spent less time with Granddad . It hurt him knowing his daughter got ill , but I kept my word and gave her a hug and kiss from him . At this stage mum was getting pissed off at me for been home , but in my eyes I was looking after her due to the fact that she couldn 't lift things with her left arm . If she did do anything like that then her wound would start to leak or as she called it " weep " . So I found a part time job which wasn 't far from home , the only problem was it lasted just a month . What didn 't help , and annoyed me , was been told Xmas eve was our last day . The manager said sales weren 't good and that he had to get rid of 15 of us . I didn 't get paid until after my birthday ( 4th of January . ) I was pissed off with how I was treated and didn 't really feel in the Xmas mood . Even worse , my parents were going to someone else 's house for Xmas , so I was going to be by myself . I didn 't want to ruin it for them so I stayed alone at home . I didn 't do much either way ; I took it more of a day off and spent most of the day on the internet in chat rooms . Dad said to me he had some bad news but would say it person . I came home from work and was ready to hear what he had to say . He explained to me that Granddad has been in hospital again . He told me that they have to put a tube up his nose to feed him since he could no longer swallow . The problem was he kept taking the tube out his nose and was sent back to the X - ray room to place it back in . They made the decision to make a hole in his stomach and place the tube there instead . If that was to go ahead , Granddad would later have to go in a home when he leaves the hospital . Nan was already looking at some homes where he could stay and a new one was being built at Church Lane in Tooting ( not too far for Nan to travel ) . As long as it helped him I was fine with it . It was more of a shock to hear it was that bad , but as long as he was okay that 's what mattered to me . When Sandi heard about it , she didn 't sound happy and caused some trouble . Things seemed to calm down and everything was okay again . She went up to the hospital to see him with her family . I was too scared to see him . Too scared to look at him . I didn 't wanna start crying in front of him . I just wanted to act normal and joke with him like we always did . When I did go and see him at last , Nan was just leaving and she told me where he was . I walked passed him with Nan telling me I can 't miss him . Looking at the bed was a man who looked like he was going through too much pain . My heart just sank and I almost passed out looking at him . Granddad was skinny . When last I saw him he had put on weight . I knew he was sleeping due to his pattern . One eye half open and his mouth open . I wanted to scream that 's not him . It can 't be . But my body was ready to shut down . Nan came back and said " let 's go " . I badly wanted to cry but not in front of Nan . I didn 't want him to suffer any more . The image of him was burnt in me as a reminder , to say " please God take him " . Xmas day came and it was one of the worst one 's I 'd had in a long time . Mum was been really pissy . Instead of helping or answering a question she would just give a cold look . Mum asked me to do Grace and I tried to but I 'm no good at it . This lead to her being pissed off and just started eating . To make it more of a Christmas feel , mum used a Snowman and Santa for Salt and Pepper . Dad asked which one was the salt because she used both . She didn 't answer of course , and instead looked at him with the cold look . I basically had enough and left the dinner table . I started to tie my trainers up with Mum calling me to come back and finish eating which I ignored . I walked out and went into Spar and brought a pack of Superkings and a lighter which was different for me . I started smoking again and found myself walking to Victoria Station . On my way I noticed something written on the floor that hit me hard , it said Pray . I took this as a sign and started to walk to the river . Once I was there I did what the image said . I closed my eyes with my hands held tight and prayed my hardest asking God to take him now . On Friday the 28th 2007 at around 9 : 20am Granddad died in his hospital bed . Even though I felt him leave . My prayer was answered I thought , and I thanked God for it . I couldn 't cry but I knew he had passed . I felt it that morning . Like he was hugging me or trying to bite my ear like I used to do to him . It was a joke between me and him due to Tyson doing the same thing to the other boxer . Either way I felt relived for him that now he didn 't have to suffer . When I got home from work , mum told me she had something to say . I told her " I already know mum , he said bye as well " . I stayed in my room thinking . Soon it was gonna be New Year and soon I was off to Singapore . A holiday I had booked ages ago . The funeral was the next stage of plan . What should have been smooth sailing turned into nothing more than another family argument . Lies started to spread like wild fire towards Sandi and her boyfriend . Lies like they wanted my Granddad buried somewhere else in London , but not only was it far away , but he would not be alone . What I mean by that is he would be buried with 2 other people in that same spot . Who started these lies ? Nan and Uncle Ian did it in order to destroy a happy life for them but we 'll talk about them a bit later though . This didn 't sit too well with all of us and in the end we told them that this is not allowed . It got so heated that he was almost banned from the funeral itself . The same night I told mum of the outcome of what would be done . Mum started laughing and soon started to cry . I asked why she was laughing but she never told me . It was time for the big day and the arrangements were in place . He was to be buried where Nan choose and she mainly had it how she wanted it . I really did want Dad to come but for his own reasons he didn 't . Understandable , people say goodbye in their own way . Just like people pray to God while not going to Church . When we got to the church mum broke down in streams of tears . It 's been years since they did see each other and Granddad really wanted to see mum once more . Every time I would leave his house he would always say " Give mummy a big kiss for me . " Everyone went up on stage and said a little speech about the big man . At the time St . Clair came along to the funeral and he was going to sit at the back . Mum objected to that and told him " no you are coming to sit with us as the family member you are " Uncle Ian wanted to talk to me but I was too destroyed to talk to him or anyone . When we went to bury him I saw Mum crying her eyes out and I hugged her tight . She couldn 't face him been buried but I told her I 'm going upfront . A small speech was said and the first rock was thrown in . I stood there looking down at where he was and said a small speech in my head . I thanked him for everything , from being there since I was born , to the point of watching me being reborn . I took the hat off and gave it one final kiss and threw it down with him . Here Granddad , I got this as a final gift to you : ) . I admit I wanted to cry but I held it in . My uncle hugged me and said that was a very brave thing you did there lad . I 'm sure he is smiling back at you and wearing it now . I nodded I didn 't want to show my tears . What he means to me and what he always meant to me was that there is always a bright side . The smile he had , the laugh , the white beard . Everything about him made me happy . That was the man I wanted to remember , and that is the image that will always remain with me . We went to the aftermath where I tried to be strong and tried to put a smile on everyone 's faces . My cousin Sandi didn 't want to be there because of the beef between her and my Nan . Also the fact of how her boyfriend wanted Granddad buried was a major thing . Mum told her off and said this is much her day to remember Granddad as well as everyone else . Her family stayed and we got to have fun talking to everyone around us . It was like old times in a way , with me and Rashellee chatting and messing about . The event was coming to a close and each person left at different times . During this time period Nan was becoming mentally unstable by saying Granddad wasn 't drinking his tea . It was a sad time and I could see that she wasn 't over his death at all so I tried my best to play along for a while . I used to go in the room and drink the tea which sometimes was way too sweet or I would throw in the sink . Granddad had a gold ring which we wanted to keep but it turns out that Ian had already taken it and left us all with bare bones of what was left . Mum wanted a picture of Grandma that Granddad used to keep by him in a gold frame . Ian sent it to mum but instead of giving her the whole thing , he folded up the picture and sent her it by mail . This pissed mum off to high hell and to this day never forgave him for doing that . Later that year I started to breakdown . The pressure of everything finally got to me . I was again looking to end my life . I prayed so hard to God that if tomorrow doesn 't bring me any good then accepts me to be with my Granddad . I even wrote a note out and everything to explain why I was doing it . The next day I started speaking to a woman online from a website called Tagged . Me and her were going back and forth with messages until we both started chatting on MSN . It was then I saw something that was special about her to me . She was a single mum with a little boy not even a year old who was upset . But for the 1st time in a long time , I wanted to protect someone . I wanted to protect the smile she had on her face and not let it fade away . I asked her to allow me to do so and watch her and her son grow up . She accepted it and we started going out and since that day I have never stopped protecting her . No matter how bad an argument we may have or how pissed off I was with her . Missy and her child were my future and the dream I now want to protect . Whenever I felt low , I always think of his smile and then I realize what I 'm fighting for . A future for him . I may not be his dad but one thing for sure ; I 'll always love him like he is my own . But as time got we soon fell apart and I was left alone to find myself . Years have past and I look on now of the former me and how much I changed . I 'm glad Granddad told me to reinvent myself because now I 'm stronger than ever . I am Pepz the 3rd . So mum has gone away for holiday and has left the place to me and dad . I 'm doing the washing up and I notice I got one sheet of kitchen paper left . So I said to Dad , here 's £ 10 can you go down the shop and get me some kitchen paper . So he took the money and left . Keep in mind shop is 5 minutes away . An hour has passed and Dad comes through the door at last . In his hand is a supermarket bag , so I was like okay good thinking his gone and brought me some from there . I open up the bag and there is only one kitchen paper in there . I asked Dad , where did you get this from . He replied : I got it from home . You did what I said ? And again he replied I got it from home . I asked him next what about the £ 10 I gave you ? And he said oh I used that for travel fair ! Thanks son ! At the time I was pissed at him but now I can laugh it off .