Leave a Comment » Shruti was born and raised in New York . She had never traveled outside of the states , let alone the tri - state area . She was feminine and pretty . Shruti was quite popular in school although she was only close friends with a few people . She usually just spent all her time at home with her family , or at school accomplishing things , or with Lily . Lily was one of her best friends . Lily never really had any other friends . She was the shy quiet type . She wasn 't the type to pass notes while the teacher was talking , instead she 'd sit in the front of the classroom raising her hand at frequent intervals . At school she mostly kept to herself , except when she was with Shruti and her friends . She met Lily one day on the walk home from elementary school . Lily was standing on the sidewalk looking around frantically . There was an old drunk man that was awfully close to her . He wore a winter coat , in 70 degree weather and his dirty brown hair looked as if he hadn 't brushed it in months . Shruti sensed something was not right and ran over to Lily . " Hey is everything ok ? " " Hey you little bitch ; me and miss fancy pants are just fine . Aren 't we baby ? You can run along now , " he yelled angrily . His breath reeked of the disgusting smell of alcohol and his big hands were black and filthy with dirt . He reached out to grab Lily and Shruti shoved him with all her might so that he would topple over . He strode back and his left foot landed on an empty can of coke . He tried to balance himself but it was too late . Lily just stood there terrified as he hit the ground with a thud . Shruti grabbed Lily 's hand and the two of them ran down the block and around the corner like they never had before . " Don 't even mention it , " Shruti said . " I 'm sure you would 've done the same thing for me . Are you okay though ? Did he hurt you ? " For two girls who were from completely different worlds , they clicked like they had known each other forever . After that they were inseparable . Where ever one of them was , the other was sure to be on her way . They soon went off to middle school together and that 's where everything changed . Shruti remembered the day when everyone got picked up from middle school and Lily waited outside for her to get out , so they could be safe together . At first , there were only a few kids who left because they were called to the main office . Then more kids were called away , they took their bags and their sweaters . Shruti realized they were all leaving . She waited for her mom to come too , but she didn 't . There were only four other kids , left in her class who hadn 't been picked up . It was only twelve in the afternoon when Shruti 's teacher told them to gather their things . She wondered what was so special about today that her principal decided to let everyone out early . She went outside and there Lily was waiting for her . " I 'm so excited ! They should make everyday a half - day like this one , " Shruti exclaimed as they walked toward the bus stop . Lily didn 't respond , instead she grabbed on to Shruti 's hand tightly as they crossed the street . " Really ? Oh man no wonder everyone was getting picked up from school ? I hope we get home safe ! " Shruti exclaimed . She was so scared to be outside . She had no idea what she would do in case they were in any sort of immediate danger . There was a small minivan that pulled up to the bus stop they were standing at . The driver opened the door and everyone that was waiting for the bus , got in . Shruti and Lily looked at each other in confusion . Weren 't all these people waiting for the bus just like they were ? Why did they get into a stranger 's mini - van ? A man gestured for them to come inside as well . Lily edged forward . " Lily , can we not go with them ? I just want to wait for the bus . I don 't think it 's safe for us to get a ride from a fake taxi driver . " Shruti said . Chills ran down Shruti 's spine . How would they know if they saw a terrorist ? I don 't even know what that is exactly , Shruti thought . The bus never came that day and the two of them ended up walking hand in hand , the mile and a half to get home . This was all before that faithful day at the handball courts . Shruti was in her senior year in middle school . In those days , she used to come in early to play suicide with Lily before classes started . The whole game of suicide was like handball . The objective was to catch the ball on a fly . Whoever catches a ball on a fly gets to peg the person who originally threw it . It was their routine game before school . They always used to team up together and go up against everyone else . If Shruti threw the handball and someone was going to catch it , Lily would run and try to catch it instead so that Shruti wouldn 't get pegged with the ball . If Lily caught it , she would never peg Shruti , if one of the guys caught it , they wouldn 't hesitate . One day , when they were both preoccupied with the game , their friend Ivan came up to Lily and whispered something in her ear . Lily looked back at Shruti and quickly turned away when Shruti looked back at her . Ivan was the other best friend , the newer addition to their group . Shruti met Ivan in the 7th grade . They were in the same class . They didn 't click immediately . Actually , Shruti very much hated his guts when they first met . Ivan used to tease her and make fun of the comments she made in class . And of course , Shruti retaliated with harsh comments and curses of her own . The teasing eventually let up and the two of them decided they were more productive when making fun of others , together . He knew Lily through Shruti . The three of them would talk on the phone for hours and hours in those days . In her hand she squeezed the tiny little blue handball . Tobe and Jonathon , two of the guys that were relatively close to her rushed up and asked if she was okay . Jonathon lent her a hand and lifted her back to her feet . Lily turned and looked at Shruti and in one swift motion pegged the ball as hard as she could . Ivan ran forward and caught the ball and threw it towards the wall starting a new game . Shruti stood still in amazement . Why did Lily peg her ? Did she do something wrong or did Lily suddenly decide she wanted to play fair ? After the game they walked back to school together . " Hey what 's up ? Did I do something wrong ? " Shruti asked . " No , of course not . Why would you think that ? " Lily said smiling . " Hey guys wait up " , she called and hurried forward to walk with Jonathon . " I 'll catch up with you later Shruti . " After school that day , Lily didn 't come out with her class . Shruti waited but Lily never showed up . " Let 's just go . Lily probably got picked up or something , " Ivan said to Shruti . " Hmmm I don 't know . Let 's just wait a couple of more minutes . " Shruti felt even more confused than she had in the morning . She couldn 't figure out why Lily would 've tried to peg her so hard . Had Lily been mad at her for some reason ? Lily never showed up that day so Shruti and Ivan made the walk to the train station alone . " Ha ha , Ivan . Why are you getting all sentimental on me ? You know we 're always gonna be friends , " Shruti said putting her arm around his . Ivan 's face lit up with all different hues of red . " Good , " he smiled . " You have no idea how much that 's means to me . How much you mean to me , " he said taking her arm away from his and grabbing onto her hand . " You 're the best thing that ever happened to me , " Ivan said as he squeezed her hand . " Ok , I have to tell you something ; promise u won 't see me any different and be weird about it ? " Shruti stopped walking and looked at him . She meant to say something but she couldn 't find the words . Her hand felt hot and sweaty as she let go of Ivan 's hand . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't know what to do so I told Lily today , when we were playing suicide . Please don 't get weird around me now . Your friendship means everything to me , " he said . " Don 't say anything . Just leave it . Shruti , this doesn 't have to change anything . Just pretend I didn 't tell you , ok ? I just needed you to know and now you know , and we can both just forget about it ok ? " Ivan spurted out . " Come on let 's just pretend this didn 't happen . Please , " he said desperately . Ivan nodded quickly and sped up towards the train station . Shruti watched him go . She waited for him to turn around but he didn 't , so she slowly turned to leave . Shruti wanted to tell Ivan all the things she had in her heart , but she couldn 't bring herself to . Graduation was weeks away and she would probably never see him again . He would change when he went to high school , he would see another pretty girl and everything between them will be broken . She couldn 't risk their friendship , it meant too much to her . She knew she 'd always love Ivan and if it was really meant to be , it would happen one day . It just wasn 't the right time now . It would be too risky and the consequences were something she wouldn 't be able to bear . She didn 't know then , that things would never be the same . Summer vacation was finally coming to an end . It was the longest summer she 'd ever experienced . Shruti walked down the empty street alone , straying further and further from her home with each step . The sun had already started its journey down and ripples of pink and purple filled the sky . There was no one to be seen on their porches and all the kids seemed to have already gone to sleep . The quiet was consuming . Ever since Lily decided she didn 't want to be friends anymore with her , everything was different . That day changed everything . Shruti and Ivan weren 't best friends anymore and Shruti and Lily weren 't even friends anymore . How could one little secret have torn them all apart that way ? She thought their friendships were stronger than that . Lily was like the sister she never had , and all of a sudden they were strangers . She always had the feeling Lily liked Ivan as more than just a friend , but she didn 't know . There could be no other explanation for it . What else could Lily have been upset about ? " Criinnggggg ! " Shruti slammed her hand on the snooze button and tried unsuccessfully to doze off back to sleep . Today was the first day of high school ; she was bound to run into Lily again . What would she say she wondered ? The whole summer had passed and Lily hadn 't said a word to her . She took her time getting dressed , changing at least three times . What if she just didn 't go ? Then she could delay seeing Lily again . She didn 't know what to expect and that scared her . It was first day of high school and instead of worrying about fitting in or not making any friends ; all she could think of was what her ex - best friend would say . Shruti sat down to have breakfast , but found she was too nervous to eat . I should just get it over with , she thought to herself . She took one last look in the mirror and left her house before she could change her mind . Shruti walked into her choir class that day and sat down next to two girls she didn 't know . Lily walked in and sat down on the other side of the room . She didn 't look at Shruti or anyone else . Shruti waited for Lily to look her way but it seemed Lily 's head was fixated towards their choir instructor Mr . Peters . After what felt like an hour of his lecturing he called up groups with girls to come and audition . They had to sing do re me fa so la ti do so Mr . Peters could assign them to a voice group . He called up Shruti , Lily and three other girls together . Shruti 's heart beat louder than she could think . Would Lily just keep ignoring her ? When it was Shruti 's turn to sing she felt her checks turning red , she had never auditioned before in her life . " Don 't worry , I 'll hum with you . " Lily said , smiling . It was the first words she had said to Shruti since middle school had ended . Although it wasn 't an explanation , Shruti 's heart felt light and she sung at the top of her lungs , " do re me fa so la ti doo . " Leave a Comment » I wish I lived in a safe neighborhood where I could walk around in the middle of the night and nothing would happen to me . A neighborhood filled with quiet little coffee shops instead of busy fast food joints . Then I could go to a nice little coffee shop and write my papers in peace . They would have rich coffee made with exotic imported coffee beans and cozy red chairs , the kind someone would want in their own living room . Every table would have its own set of three candles in the very center , the walls would have lanterns hanging from them and tiny chandeliers would glow dimly from the ceiling . Their tables would all have squeaky clean glass tops that look as though they are not even there . The ceiling would be a mural as would the walls . Pretty Brazilian women in their native clothing would walk around in the yellow walls . The ceiling would be blue like the sky when it has just become morning , and the flock of birds would soar into the clouds . The whole place would be a work of art . I would get lost there , and then find myself through my writing . Instead I live in a crappy neighborhood in the middle of nowhere , Queens . The only train that comes here is the J and it doesn 't even run half the time . The other times I have to wait for the shuttle bus to get places . Of course the bus is always late , unless I 'm not at all in a hurry ; then the bus comes early . Come to think of it , the bus isn 't even that bad . I wouldn 't mind taking a bus to work every morning at 5o ' clock , as long as I didn 't always have to watch my back . Shit goes down in my neighborhood . There was a teenage girl who was sexually assaulted just up the block from my house , in broad daylight too . A man came and held a knife at her throat . She fought him off with a pen and miraculously got away before he could do any real harm to her . It was all over the news . My dad made a point to make us stay at home more . " See what happens when girls hang out too much outside ? " he said . His philosophy is that girls are like little virtuous china dolls . They are too fragile to step outside , unless it 's for work or school . If they go outside they might break . They might be tainted by men or ideas and no longer be acceptable for marriage . He 'd love it if I was home - schooled and completely cut off from the world . Then I 'd grow up to be the perfect daughter that would learn only what he wanted me to learn . I hate my life in this neighborhood , this house , this room . My room is in the basement . It 's pretty big with a medium sized closet . I have three tiny little windows : one in my closet , one that opens to the front of the house and a slightly bigger one that opens to the hallway . Sunlight only comes in from one of them . I can 't write in my room , I can barely sit still to do anything . My mind wanders and there are too many distractions . I swear there are ghosts in the basement . One night my brother saw one of them . He was dreaming and in his dream he called my sister to come and help him . She came into the room and held his hand . That was all in the dream , but my brother actually felt someone holding his hand so he opened his eyes and he saw her , the spirit that haunts the basement . She was wearing a long black dress and she was so tall that he couldn 't even see her face . She held his hand and pulled him out of his bed . He was on the floor crying out for my mom to come and save him . My mom was sleeping but I heard him crying , so I went and saw him on the floor . He looked sick , like he was dying . I woke my mom up and she calmed him down and put him back to sleep . We all lived in the basement then . My brother and I don 't talk . Actually he hates me . He always has , since the day I was born . Once he threw the stem of a plastic flower into my eye . I was five . I went to the eye doctor every two weeks for a year and a half because of that . And when I was just a teeny , tiny , baby , he burned me with a hot iron to see what I would do . He wanted to see my pain . It gave him pleasure , sadistic piece of shit . Another time he shot me in the leg with his bb - gun because I was annoying him . I was nine , he was fifteen . It 's been years since I 've spoken to him . Not because of the stuff he did to me as a kid but the stuff that he would still do . When I was nineteen , I was watching television in my parent 's room and he called the cops on me . He told them I was being a nuisance because he could hear the TV in his room , which was right next to my parent 's room . He was 24 then . Now if my friends ask me how many siblings I have I tell them one . I have a little sister , that 's it . I want to kill myself . That 's what I think about when I 'm in my room . That 's all I think about . The different ways to die , all the reasons I have to die . All my unhappiness shouts out to me when I 'm in my room . I don 't belong here . I won 't succeed . What 's the point of it all ? What do I have now ? I have nothing . When I 'm with a crowd of people that supposedly love me , I feel lonelier than if I was with myself . My boyfriend , Jackson says I need to live for myself , no one else should matter . He says I need to get out and do things , so I did . I got involved in school . I tried to mend things with my family . I even tried to make new friends . I have so many friends now , and my parents talk to me on a regular basis but I still feel the same . I tried my hardest to be good at school , to be how I used to be , but it 's just too hard . No matter what I do I 'm still behind . I manage to fail tests that I spend days studying for . I never had to study before in my life . I always just knew it . I used to be smart , now I wonder how I even got accepted into college . I think it 's because I have to come back to this room every night . I can 't think in that stupid room . I bought a new rug and curtains in hopes of brightening up the place . Jackson bought me a couch and I saved up to buy a long storage ottoman that I could use as a table . It was supposed to make my room cozy . Dark red , brown and green colors fill my room . My painting of an old Spanish road filled with horse drawn carriages and pleasant trees is supposed to bring everything together . It does ; it makes sense of the colors in my room , gives it unity . Jackson says it looks perfect . Like a showroom they would have on display at IKEA , brilliant , beautiful and fake . I hated it . So I thought maybe if I painted something inspirational it would help , like a woman embracing her freedom . I painted her face , bold and defiant . I painted her lips , her arching neck , her breasts , her pregnant stomach , her fat thighs and well toned calves . She stood against the red background alone , free of all barriers . She hung on the wall close to the door . Jackson loved the painting ; he said it reminded him of me . I would 've kept her but she didn 't let me sleep . The curves of her black body haunted me at night . They jumped out in my dreams trying to seduce me , so I threw her out . Sometimes I get extremely motivated . I feel like I can conquer the world if I wanted . But give it an hour in this room and I feel like dying all over again . It doesn 't matter how many degrees I have or how good my grades are . It doesn 't matter that all my hair is falling out or that my eyes are swollen from lack of sleep . It doesn 't matter that I don 't have a brother , or that my boyfriend still loves me with all his heart even after seeing me this way . I want to change . I want to be okay for him . He 's done everything in his power for me . But I don 't think I can . I tried to stop thinking about death , but it creeps up on me . I tried a lot of things but nothing really worked . I tied a pair of black stretchy pants and stretched it out as far as it would go and wrapped it around my neck . I tried to hang there but it started to hurt and my stupid impulses kicked in . Another time I dunked my head in the bathtub and swore I wouldn 't lift my head no matter what . Of course I lifted my head . So I thought pills might be the way to go . But an overdose didn 't go to well with my stomach . I ended up throwing it all up and sleeping for sixteen hours . Everything was the same when I woke up , no one even noticed . Jackson tells me all this craziness is only in my head . He says it 's not healthy to think the things I think . He thinks I should seek medical help . I agree with him , I should , but I won 't . What would I say ? Why am I feeling this way ? I can 't answer that . I feel like a selfish , arrogant , high maintenance chick . How come nothing is good enough for me ? I have everything I 've ever wanted , especially now . But I 'm running it all down to hell . I 'm losing and I know it . How would I explain that I have everything , but still I 'm not happy ? Jackson used to take me out a lot . He said it 's good for me to get out of my room . He took me to romantic little restaurants with expensive wines , boat rides around the city , Broadway plays and independent films theaters . We would spend whole weekends together at his place cooking and watching re - runs of Law and Order . Now all I ever want to do is go to a bar and drink . I hate the taste of alcohol in my mouth , but the after effects are great . I feel funny all over when I drink , funny and bold . I can do whatever I want when I 'm tipsy . I don 't care as much what people have to say about me so I dance and talk freely . I 've never been drunk before . My birthday was the closest I got . We went to this hookah bar on Coney Island Avenue named Vianky 's , where they had a DJ spinning all night . The place was dark and packed . Jackson led me to the VIP section covered with red see through curtains in the middle . I could walk straight but I was scared to use the restroom alone . What if I couldn 't hold my weight and I touched the toilet seat ? I couldn 't risk that so I asked Jackson to come with me . " Jackson , don 't look over there okay . Just make sure I don 't slip and fall . " I rolled down my tights and my underwear and hovered over the toilet seat carefully so that my thighs didn 't touch the seat and I peed . Turns out I didn 't really need Jackson 's help but it 's a good thing to always be on the safe side . I hate public bathrooms and germs . I 'm a complete " germaphobe . " I would 've probably been traumatized for the rest of my life if I had touched anything in that disgusting bathroom that day . After we left , Jackson led me to the passenger side of his car . " Baby , I don 't wanna go home . Let 's go somewhere , let 's do something , " I begged . " What exactly do you want to do that way ? " he asked . He was amused at my drunkenness . I knew I was talking like a dumb , blonde , long island chick but I didn 't care . He kissed my forehead and opened the door . " Okay . Get in . " Few minutes later he parked on the corner of Eleventh Avenue and Prospect Park Southwest . We got out of the car and started towards the park . " You want to go to our place , or you want to walk around ? " he asked . " Okay then hold on a second . " He went back to the car and brought our blanket from the trunk . " All set . Let 's go . " We walked to our place under the tree . No one is allowed in the park after dark , but our tree hid us well . Whenever a cop car would pass by I 'd tense up but no matter how many times it passed us it never stopped . That day I didn 't care if the cops caught us . I was just happy . We put the blanket down on the grass and sat down . He wrapped his arms around me from behind and I felt like melting away into the earth . That moment of happiness was all I needed out of life . The rest didn 't matter anymore . I wanted to die right then . At least then I would 've died happy . " I don 't want to go back home Jackson . I don 't ever want to go back home , " I said . There were tears in my eyes and my whole body shook . " Baby ? " He lifted his leg and spun me around so that my back rested on his leg . " Dhina ? What happened ? Why are you crying ? " he asked , pulling my hair away from my face . Images flashed in my head . I could feel his weight on me . He threw his black dress pants on my couch and pulled the shirt off his back . His big black hands squeezed my breasts . I could feel his penis ripping me open . I wanted to scream . My red nightstand rocked violently back and forth and my head spun . I wanted to scream but I couldn 't find my voice . I clenched my fists and tears rolled down my cheeks . I just closed my eyes . I told myself to go to sleep . I told myself I wouldn 't open them no matter what . I told myself if I willed it , my eyes would never open again . And then everything went black . My whole body shivered . I looked up at Jackson . He was so good to me . " I can 't Jackson . I just can 't . You won 't see me the same . " " I hate myself Jackson . I hate myself . I wish I was dead . You don 't understand . You never will . I just can 't go back home ok ? " His brow had creased and he looked positively five years older than he was . He worried for me , but he understood . I could feel it , his love , his understanding . Jackson reached down and kissed my forehead . " Dhina , it 's ok . Tell me when you are ready . I love you . " Leave a Comment » Daah Sanskar16 " Khali ! Ey khali ! " [ 1 ] She called out , hoping for an empty rickshaw . Her voice was soft and smooth , her accent very proper . I could barely make out the few people on the street , now that the current was out . I cycled in the blinding darkness past a beggar , and pulled up next to her . " Uttara Model Town , section one , road four , house twenty - two , " she said . Any other rickshawala would have told her no , it 's too far , but I didn 't say anything , I just peddled . That was the first day I saw her . She wore a beautiful , expensive , embroidered , salwar kameez2 , with a thin white orna3 wrapped around her head . Little strands of curly black hair shown around her face . When I turned the corner , I glanced back for a second and caught her looking into the night , her lips red and her complexion fair . After a long thirty minutes , we finally arrived at her three - story brick house . She hopped off and quickly punched in the security code to her building . I slipped the twenty taka4 she gave me into my pocket , and turned away . Only rich people live in houses like that , houses that have electricity all the time . I peddled till the blisters on my feet oozed , till my calves ached , till even my gamsa5 dripped of sweat . Amah6 told me to buy some flour so Sarayu7 can make roti in the morning , but all the stores have closed now . Sarayu is only nine , she does all the house work and still has time to run around and get lost in the neighborhood . I stepped inside quietly knowing I would have to work on an empty stomach tomorrow . " Tui aisos ? " 9 Amah asked half sleeping , before I got the chance to reply , she started snoring softly . I opened the small , Dano tin - can , and put in the hundred - seventy taka I earned that day . I wondered which would come first , Amah 's death or a doctor 's appointment . I looked to see if there was anything to eat , but there was only rice water , as usual . I covered it , and put it to the side . Sarayu and Janya10 could eat that in the morning . I made my bed on the floor next to them , and closed my eyes . I cleaned up , and headed out , before the sun had risen the next morning . I stopped in front of the local tea shop for a moment and stared at the glass , into the eyes of a stranger looking back at me . My shirt was torn on the side and my face the color of tar from the sun . Those two beady eyes , white against my black skin , stared back at me . I turned away . Kids of all ages were jumping around full of excitement : holding each other hand in hand , or arm around neck , some had book bags on their backs , others just carried a few books . I missed the days I went to school . I had only one friend , he was a Muslim . The other kids would tease us and push us off our stools , me because I was a Hindu and him because he associated with me . " Dekhna , Hindu haramjadre , " 11 a local store holder shouted as I cycled past the tea shop . Those were the first words I heard that morning . How much longer is it going to be like this ? Since Abah died three years ago it 's been like this . I was eleven . Janya had just been born , and Sarayu was barely six . Amah used to work as a cleaning lady , at the Mirza residence , but after she got sick , they wouldn 't have her anymore . I knew if I didn 't make the money , Sarayu would have to be married off to Mr . Thakur . Some days I thought it was the only way to get out , but Amah says she would rather die than give her the life she hated . It was a sunny day ; the rain hadn 't come back yet . I was about to turn the corner to wait on the main road for costumers , when I saw Sarayu running like a mad - man towards me . She didn 't take the time to hear the curses coming out of people 's mouths , nor did she stop when her only anklet broke off and disappeared into the mud . " Bhaya ! Bhaya ! " 12 She screamed out , " Amah . " I scooped her onto the rickshaw and cycled as fast as I could to the slums where we lived . Janya was crying , and Amah lay on the floor , covered in blood . She was trying to mutter something , but barely a whisper came out . I franticly checked the room to see if anything was missing and spotted the Dano tin can across the room . I walked over slowly , wishing , praying that there was still something in there . My whole life savings , everything I 've worked day and night for was in that can . In one moment , the bleak life that was set for me changed forever . Amah lay there dying . " Stay with her , " I shouted , and took my rickshaw to Mr . Thakur 's house . He was a man in his mid thirties , who already had two wives . " Oh come , brother , come . What brings you to these parts ? " He asked smugly . " You can have her , but you must give me her dowry now . " He laughed , " Of course that 's not how it works , bring her to me first ; you will have your money . " She is only nine years old , I thought , still pure and innocent . " No , you can have her , but I need that money now , " I said firmly . He laughed again and looked at me closely . I stared straight into the nothingness . He went inside , and within a few minutes came out with a box . " That 's all I can give you for now , " he said . Without uttering another word , I swiftly returned home . Amah lay there still , this time with her eyes closed . She was barely breathing now . " Janya , keydo naa baba , keydo naa , " 13 I whispered to her as I picked her up . " Asho . " 14 I placed her on my rickshaw and pedaled slowly through the slums , past the beggars on the side of the road , past the market , past the cricket park , past the great buildings , past the children who ran around in shoes , to arrive again at house twenty - two , on road four , section one of Uttara Model Town . I kissed Janya and placed her in front of the heavy white gates . " Eykane thako , ami ashe . " 15 She stood there , with the box in her hands , looking out at me with curious tiny eyes . I turned away and cycled back through the streets , to the muddy road of the slums , stopping only to pick up dry wood along the road . I finally reached the small tin room all four of us occupied and went inside , Sarayu was gone . She must 've have run off again . She is like the wind ; she doesn 't belong anywhere , to anyone . Most girls are that way here , bread to be married off to another . I would rather die alive then live in this selfish world where people are not appreciated for being people , instead they are judged by their last names , religion , and sex . " Amah , amah … " I whispered . She lay on the floor , cold and still . I wrapped my fingers around hers and waited for the flames to engulf us both . My older brother would grab me by the neck and walk me like a dog on a leash to school every morning , that particular day he didn 't . I got out of our tiny bathroom and stepped into the kitchen to find he 'd already left . I wasn 't late , he was just impatient . My mom told me I didn 't have to go to school that day , or if I wanted to I 'd have to wait for her and my baby sister to get ready . She didn 't want to leave her alone with my uncle , not after what he had done to me . My mom hadn 't even brushed her teeth yet and Monisha , my baby sister , was still sleeping . " Ami ajkay eka eka jabo ₁ , " I told my mom . She was hesitant at first , but in the end she caved , and let me go to school alone . I was super ready that day , more ready than I 've ever been . She told me not to walk through the park , " go straight to 4th avenue first then walk to school from there , " she said . So I walked to school by myself for the first time that day . I locked the front door of my tiny house in Sunset Park and walked to the left , past the little quarter machines where I would buy little rubber balls for my collection , past the deli and grocery on the corner where my friend Iftu claims he once bought me an orange bag of chips , past the pizzeria where they had the biggest cookies I 've ever seen for only 1 dollar , and I crossed the street . I walked under the Brooklyn Expressway over - bridge on 3rd avenue and then crossed the street again when I got to the corner of 34th and 3rd . The basketball courts were empty . I felt like I was the only person awake at this early hour . I walked from one corner to the next , diagonally to cut the distance . I remember thinking , if I blinked all the events of the world would change and no one would know because no one knows the future , and so I blinked , again and again and every time I would be in a different world . I walked up to 4th avenue and started towards 30th street where my school was located . There was a cop car . I noticed it as soon as I got to the avenue . The car moved slowly . I knew they were following me , or least I thought they were . Half a block from P . S . 172 they turned on their sirens ; I pretended I didn 't hear it and kept walking . One of the cops opened the car door and called me over . I was so scared , I thought they were going to take me to jail for walking to school alone . At that moment I was so angry with my brother for leaving me that morning , if he hadn 't been so impatient I wouldn 't have to feel this way right now , I wouldn 't be a criminal . I didn 't walk over to the car because I never trusted cops , till this day I don 't . They asked me where I was going , how old I was , and why I was walking alone . It 's not like they didn 't know where I was headed ; my school was only a couple of feet away . Stupid cops , I thought , they just wanted to make an issue about it because I 'm a little kid and I 'm easy to pick on . My whole body was trembling when I told them I was only 6 , they asked me to step inside the car . I didn 't move . I didn 't want to be in the same car as two male cops , I didn 't trust men , and my parents always told me not to get into a car with anyone . I just stood there like a deer in headlights . There was a woman walking ahead of me who was taking her child to school , he was probably in kindergarten . She was Hispanic , her hair was dark brown and her skin fair . I remember I thought she was beautiful , like an angel . She offered to walk me to school since she was going there anyway , and I was walking alone . I didn 't wait for the cops to agree I just ran up to her and thanked her . She had saved me from going to jail . I was so relieved ; I felt like I could breathe again . I walked up the stairs to my class only to be pulled out again by my first grade teacher , Ms . Varote . She took me to the auditorium and sat me down . First she started pacing then with great difficulty she sat down , and turned her face towards me . As soon as I saw it I was terrified again , more so than I was of the cops earlier . Her face was as red as a cherry , she looked liked the Pillsbury doughboy blown up to ten times his size . Her curly blond messy hair looked as if it was dripping wet with sweat . She yelled at me till no end , I thought she might hit me ; with one hit I was sure I would be dead looking at the size of her . Her hand was double the size of my head ! Her cheeks got redder and redder by the second , and her head shook violently as she blurted out words I didn 't understand . I don 't know if she was yelling at me in Italian or I was just too scared to understand the actual words . Her mouth opened so wide when she yelled , my whole head could probably be the size of her bite . I cried and wiped my tears with the sleeve of my worn - out - navy - blue sweater that used to be my brother 's . After awhile I couldn 't even bare to look at her anymore , I just shut my eyes and cried . I don 't know how much time past , but after she stopped yelling at me , she told me to stay there and wait for her . She came back within a minute , took me back to class , and hated me for the rest of the year .