Is this what is meant by coming full circle ? Or trying to pay it forward ? Or am I just kidding myself , because that 's less painful that admitting that there is no hope at all , ever , anywhere . I 'm trying to tell you something , and I know you don 't want to hear it . But I 'm going to try anyway . I 'm going to tell you something that will change your life if you 'll give it half a chance . I know you dont have to listen to me . I stopped listening as soon as I saw that I didn 't have to anymore , not that anybody was saying anything meaningful anyway . Maybe that 's what makes this different . Maybe I have something to say that will help you avoid making the same mistakes I made , learning lessons the hard way , wishing every moment of every day that things were different . Maybe I 'm full of shit . You decide . These are your choices , and they will have consequences . No getting out of that . I said something else once in this same space , something honest and from the heart , but it bothered people , and they let me know . So I took it down . More . Clock says almost three . No point in trying to sleep now - - the kids will be up in a few hours . I hate it when I 'm dead tired but just lay here for hours unable to sleep . Tonight is just like every other night . I 'm just going to stay up - - I don 't feel like sleeping ' til noon again . Should have taken something to help me sleep , but I never think about it until it 's too late . That stuff knocks me out for at least ten hours , so I have to take it early . Maybe today will be better than yesterday , or at least not as bad . Chances are we will have the same conversation we have had over and over for the last nine years . " Are you going to go look for another job today ? " Pointless to even bother anymore , because even if he does , it might last a month , if I 'm lucky . I have heard every " good " excuse he has been able to come up . " There weren 't enough hours . " " There were too many hours . " " They lied about the pay . " " They are all dope heads . " " I have a new job lined up - - they are just waiting to get my background check done . " All bullshit . With this last job , all I heard was " blah , blah , blah , " but I 'm positive whatever he said fell into one of those categories - - it always does . That 's the one thing I have always been able to rely on him for - - a bad excuse for putting us in this bind . He has yet to disappoint me there . Every time he does this shit I start looking for a job , but I 'm limited because of daycare hours . Within a week he always seems to find something , and I get told " no , you don 't need to work , focus on your school . " How the hell am I supposed to do that when I 'm worried about how the bills will get paid ? How am I supposed to focus , when in the back of my mind I 'm wondering if this job will last long enough to even get the car payment caught up ? The current job he has lined up , my friend Anna 's boyfriend got for him . I thought Jimmy was a pretty good guy . He 's somewhat older than she is , which I thought would be a good change from the line of losers our age she had been dating . The first time she introduced us , the three of us got high . Great first impression . While we were sitting at the table smoking , Jimmy mentions that they are hiring where he works . Ought to be easy enough to get a job when you actually know somebody pretty high up . Literally . Dumbass didn 't go back to work after hearing Jimmy say that ; it 's been over a week now . Jimmy turned out to be the biggest loser so far , at least that is my impression . Anna found out she was pregnant . She planning to have to have an abortion because of the side affects of the medicine Jimmy is on . He broke up with her three days after finding out she is pregnant . I 'm taking her to get the abortion next week . When he broke up with her , she tried to get me to move in . I said I couldn 't afford to , which is partly true , but bad enough . Things aren 't in the right place for me to do something like that right now . I reconsidered my answer today though , and every part of me is screaming to do it . The only reason I don 't is because of my kids . My messed up sleep patterns , not being able to find a job that works with daycare , and the fact I know he will fight me for custody are the reasons I feel trapped . The reasons I get so frustrated , drink , have migraines , and a whole list of other shit . But at the same time , I 've learned to focus most of that frustration into my school work , and also now I have some of the best friends anybody could ever ask for . When people ask me why I don 't leave , I tell them the timing isn 't right . They don 't understand why or how I can live this way . I don 't understand either , maybe its because at this point I am completely numb . This isn 't a choice , its something that has to be done . I just hope this doesn 't break me . Eighteen months of school left - - that is a long time , and a lot of things can happen . I took my son to McDonald 's the other day because I had promised him a treat for bringing home a perfect spelling test . This made four weeks in a row . Normally we don 't like to sit down inside and eat - the kids get cranky and fight , and what should be a nice time turns into an ugly scene . This McDonald 's is the worst ; they don 't even have a play palace or anything for the kids . Mine always whine about it the entire time we are there . Pulling into the parking lot , we noticed that the drive - thru was backed up to the street . " Great , just great , " I muttered . We decided to go in and order something " to go " . I parked in a spot along the fence , and we make our way to the door . Gabriel , my son , lead the way , and as he opened the door it was as if time stopped for a moment . I stood there just looking at my son , wondering " when did he get so big ? " I know at some point every mother looks at her kids and wonders the same thing . I never thought it would happen to me . Has it really been eight years since I was sitting in the NICU at Children 's looking through the glass of an incubator at this sickly little baby with tape holding tubes and wires in place ? Honestly , he scared the hell out of me . Eight years . A lifetime - his lifetime . How it began ( or almost didn 't ) seems so long ago now . Kids grow up so fast , or maybe we finally do , or both . They change in ways we don 't expect and are always full of surprises . Lately , I 've noticed things about my son that I never noticed before . He has a great sense of humor . He 's bright . He 's incredibly sweet , at least most of the time . And he is getting tall . In a few years he will be taller than I am , and I 'm not exactly short . When it was our turn at the counter , he ordered a 10 piece chicken nugget meal . I ordered a 4 piece for his sister and an iced coffee for me . Back in the car and heading home , I turned down the music for a moment . He looked at me half expecting to be in trouble for something . I said softly , " When did you get so big on me ? " He looked at me and smiled and said , " Mom , I didn 't do it , God did . He did it just like when I was a baby , and they had to take me out of your tummy , I was small and sick , and he made me better , so I could stay here with you . " Maybe it 's a cliche , but I feel blessed to have my handsome " little man " and his beautiful little sister . I couldn 't always say that , but now I can . Perhaps without them , I wouldn 't have changed in the ways that I have . I have my two miracle babies - miracle children . That is all I could ever ask for ; that is all I really need . So many mistakes . So many regrets . How did it get so crazy , so ugly , and so sad so quickly ? I can 't help it - I think about these things almost every day . Somewhere I read " you change your destiny just by missing a bus " which to me suggests that simple things , ordinary things , the boring details of daily life make a big difference in the short run and the long run . Missing a bus - that 's not something you choose , or is it ? If you procrastinate , if you aren 't serious , if you don 't care , you miss lots of things . I 've also heard that your choices - how you act and react - create your destiny , moment by moment . If I could change even the smallest detail of my past - turning right instead of left , for instance , standing still instead of moving on - would I still have the one thing that matters most today - my kids , my beautiful , innocent kids . If changing the past erases them from my life , I wouldn 't change anything at all ! But before they came along - that part is up for grabs . There is so much that I would do differently if I had the chance to do it over again . Why ? To avoid this trap I 'm in . To have a better shot at life - a life without marriage right after high school - a life that didn 't get off track so easily . To get a chance to find myself , a chance to grow up - in the real world - on my own . A chance to enjoy it and hate it , to make it real , to make it mine . Instead I make do with what I have . I manipulate the situation I 'm in . I find happiness wherever I can . I can be myself only when I 'm comfortable enough to be so - the rest of the time I 'm fake , because there isn 't room for the real me . My life won 't like the real me , won 't allow her to breathe . She doesn 't fit - she doesn 't have a place - in the life I created , the life I chose my way into , eyes half shut , not knowing or caring until it was too late . She wouldn 't stay if she had a way out . She won 't . But that 's for later . That 's to come . For the moment , it 's easier to pretend , easier on everyone else anyway . I can plan . I can work . I can wait . Those areIf I had a chance to do it over again , would I make the same mistakes I did the first time ? Or make others ? Would I get it right ? I long for the life I could have had , but I know there 's no point in daydreaming , if daydreaming means escaping by doing nothing . Nothing changes until I do . And when I do , new things become possible . A thread unravels . I pull on it some more , not absentmindedly but on purpose , knowing that this garment that no longer fits me will be discarded . At some point I have to snap it off . What incredible tension exists between wanting something and having it , between not wanting something and being stuck with it ! Is that conflict the root of the anxiety I struggle with , the reason I often can 't sleep ? Everything is still possible , only infinitely harder now . My eyes are wide open , wider than ever . I 've got determination and patience . What a difference those things would have made ten years ago ! Perhaps I had to fall into the trap in order to discover the way out of it , to begin to value the things that really matter and make a difference , to see that I could do them too , do them well . To get on the right track . I 'm taking school seriously now , and it shows in my grades . I 'm holding on to a job rather than quitting just because I 'm bored . I 'm dealing with people better too , even when my feelings are hurt or I 'm misunderstood . That 's the key to the whole thing . Dealing with crap , my own and others ' . Not giving in . Not giving up . If I had a chance to do it over again , would I make the same mistakes I did the first time ? I can 't be the only one who asks this question . But after asking it long enough , it seems to lose its power , it 's appeal . The spell is broken . There is no going back , only forward . The mistakes I made served a purpose , and all is not lost . Far from it . I made things harder than they had to be . Perhaps that 's what is making me stronger than I used to be . Perhaps I had to screw up in order to grow up . If my daydreams serve to motivate me , to keep me focused on a goal , they are time and energy well spent . Who needs a second chance ? I always thought I did , and I by and large gave up on things , on me especially , because I couldn 't have one . But now I know the choices I make today are the closest thing to a second chance I 'll ever get . I never thought I 'd say this , but I think I 'll pass on the second chance and take the present opportunity instead . Do you remember when we were little , sitting in front of Granny Reed 's house next to the white picket fence , playing that little fishing game , the plastic one that grandpa bought me ? That 's the only time I remember seeing Granny Reed before she died . That 's one of the few times I remember seeing you when we were little . Driving around town a few months ago , I was thinking about all the Saturdays we spent riding our bikes there . I always loved it when grandpa would come get me on Saturday and take me back to his house only to find you there waiting for me . Never once did he tell me you were there ; he always liked to surprise me - he knew we always had a blast together . The other day I was going through some stuff . I found a picture of you from prom , the one with you standing next to that sweet red Camero you had . Your hair was still black then , and you had on that goofy bow tie . I remember the first time I saw your new car . You had gotten it on your 16th birthday , and you drove three hours just to show it to me , so we could go " drag " . When you found me , I was at my aunt 's mowing ; I had on that goofy camo hat my dad gave after he went on that drug bust in Northeastern Oklahoma . You scared the hell out of me that day , pulling up with those blacked out windows and just sitting there . I thought you were a pervert or something . That was the night you introduced me to my first clove cigarette - those things are so harsh . You showed me all the places you had found to hide your other smoking materials . That summer and the next were the best summers of my life . We had more fun cruising the drag and listening to Manson then I ever had before or since . I remember after you started college you came down a few times . You never did let me drive that car of yours . Maybe that 's why when I turned 21 , I went out and bought one just like it , only silver . The last time we talked was at a family reunion my senior year of high school . You had a friend with you that year , so we didn 't get to talk much . That was the last time I ever saw you . I saw your parents a few weeks ago , and the only thought that crossed my mind was I that made grandpa a great grandpa , and that your folks will never get to experience that . Your mom hugged me tight for what seemed like forever , and she whispered in my ear " You look great kid . . . I luv ya . " I squeezed her tighter , knowing she was thinking of you and wishing she could hold you the way she used to and tell you how much she loves you still . Your dad is not the same anymore . He always used to smile and seem happy , but he changed after you were gone . I can see that a piece of him died along with you . His eyes are empty now . When he 's talking , he 's there physically , but his mind is always somewhere else . August 12 , 2001 is a day I will never forget . I had just graduated and turned 18 . Mom called - we hadn 't talked in weeks . Fighting , again . What else was new ? " Don 't hang up , " she said . " Something happened that you need to know about . " The first thought that crossed my mind was my dad . I asked her what it was , and she said you had drowned . I sat there silent for a moment then stammered " How . . . ? He is an excellent swimmer ! " She told me that you and a friend were on your way back from a concert when you stopped on the side of the road to go swimming at a farm pond you saw . The two of you were swimming , and he went up to the car to get a cigarette . When he came back , you were gone . They had to bring in divers to find your body . I had never before felt the bottom drop out of me that fast , that far . I never have since . Before we hung up , I was already bawling . The day of your funeral I was selfish and didn 't go . I hadn 't stopped drinking since I got off of the phone with mom a few days before . I sat in my boyfriend 's apartment with a bottle of Jack in one hand , a clove cigarette in the other , and Manson playing on the CD player . I was the saddest I 've ever been in my life . You were the brother I never had . You were the friend I could always count on . You were the one that I could be " me " around . The only one , ever . And you were gone . I was sad because I was alone now . There was this gaping hole my life - in my heart - that nobody was ever going to be able to fill . Nobody ever will . I regret not going to your funeral . Your mom needed me , and I wasn 't there for her . I let her down , and I let my grandpa down . My sister said he kept looking at the door waiting for somebody to come in late . Every time I 've seen your mom since then she hugs me tighter then anybody ever has . Writing this , I finally realize why . She knows I go to the cemetery and leave flowers , even though I go alone and don 't mention it to anybody . I love you and miss you everyday that I 'm here and you 're not . I know the rest of my life will pass without you in it . Your brief appearance made it better than it would have been , but the memories are bittersweet . I cherish those memories , but I know that a day will come when they won 't matter anymore . A day will come when this hurt will go away . A day will come when everything will be made perfect - the day we meet again by the white picket fence . I had a birthday recently - another year has passed . I 'm still in my twenties , but " mid " has replaced " early " and it seems like " late " isn 't that far away anymore . Now that I 've got a family of my own - and all the problems that come with it - I 've been thinking a lot about the role my grandpa played in my life . Don 't get me wrong - he hasn 't gone anywhere . I just wish my kids could have the kind of relationship with someone like I had with him . You see , grandpa did what others didn 't - he showed me compassion , understanding , and patience . He gave me guidance . Most of all he made me feel loved . He was the only one who truly showed how much he cared . All these things ought to be done by parents , but sometimes it just doesn 't happen that way . For most kids , Saturdays are special because there 's no school , and you can watch cartoons ' til mama yells " Shut that off and go outside and play . " For me Saturday meant much more than that . Saturday was special because of where I spent it and who I spent it with . When I was growing up , grandpa drove a truck over - the - road . For some , the occupation " truck driver " suggests a certain kind of temperament , but grandpa wasn 't a rough man - he was straightforward . He was honest . He was real . He never sugar coated things ; he always told it like it was . My earliest memories of grandpa are sitting on his lap , his strong arms around me . He had a tattoo from his days in the Navy , an anchor that filled the outside of his arm . I don 't know exactly how or when our special Saturdays began , but my younger sister , Charlotte , and I were both in grade school . ( Jillian , the youngest , wasn 't born until the summer before I started Junior High . ) Every Saturday morning grandpa came by for Charlotte and me . The three of us went back to his house where we would eat breakfast - grandma always made a big breakfast on the weekends since grandpa wasn 't around during the week . After breakfast , grandpa and I would leave for the day , and Charlotte would stay with grandma . Weather permitting , we usually went fishing . To this day I still love fishing , partly because of the memories I have of grandpa and me . Sometimes my Uncle Johnny came with us . Our first stop was always the convenience store . Grandpa loaded me up with pop , beef jerky , and jalapeno crackers - whatever I wanted . Sometimes we went to the lake , towing the boat behind his red Chevy pickup . Other times we went to farm ponds with a smaller boat we had to carry . There were days we just fished from the bank . He fixed me up with my own tackle box and Ugly Stick - my first rod and reel . I 'm stubborn or perhaps just sentimental - to this day I still use the same kind of rod and reel . Those fishing trips usually ended with Uncle Johnny visibly annoyed at something . He and grandpa were " serious " fisherman , and there I was just fooling around , having fun . It was bad enough that I wasn 't serious - I always caught more fish than he did . I saw Uncle Johnny in the grocery store a while back , and he hasn 't forgotten . He looks different now - older - with gray hair , not dark like it used to be . I remember one day while we were on the boat , he lit a cigarette - he was the only person I knew then who smoked . He said , " These damn things will kill me yet " . He quit over 10 years ago ! Good for him . I wish I could do the same . Sometimes we fished a few hours ; sometimes we spent the whole day . When we got back to town , grandpa would pay me to clean out the inside of his semi . We would take it to the car wash and while he washed the outside , I did the inside . There was never really much to clean - he is a neat and tidy man . It was mainly just wiping down the dash and vacuuming the floor and between the seats . He did it just so that I could earn some money . He always found a way to give me what I needed , encouragement above all . We often ended up at the city park before the day was through . I roller - bladed around the old tennis court , cracks and all . I don 't remember there ever being a net . Before we left , he made me practice my free - throws . Playing " post " you end up getting fouled and having to shoot a lot of free - throws . I never liked playing basketball all that much ; I only played because I thought I had to . Grandpa practiced with me every week - it was part of our routine . I loved that . I got good at free throws too ! He was the only person who ever practiced with me ; he made it fun . He made it special . When it finally got dark , we went " home " for supper . Grandma and grandpa 's house felt like home . I remember grandma made a great Mexican - style casserole . There was always a homemade desert too , usually a pie , or my grandpa 's favorite - pineapple upside down cake - or sometimes jello with fruit cocktail mixed in and Cool Whip on top sprinkled with nuts . The four of us always ate together like families should , like families do , without any bickering . My grandpa was always very thoughtful in his own way . During the week , he was away on the truck , always out of town , often out of state . He wrote me frequently . He sent me post cards from all across the country . Each said the same thing , " I miss you and I will see you soon . Love , Grandpa . " I kept them all in an album . Honestly they are one of the things I treasure most from my childhood . For a while I thought I lost them - the album disappeared in one of the moves . You can imagine how I felt when it turned up . I was in 5th or 6th grade when he started the post cards . Every time one came , I wrote him a letter back about what was going on in my life that day . Everything about school , my parents and sisters , all of it . On Saturday when I saw him , I had a large manila envelope full of letters and pictures for him to read on the truck the following week , when he got bored or lonely . It seemed like he was always thinking of me . I wanted him to know I was always thinking of him . Even after my youngest sister was born , things didn 't change between grandpa and me . Grandpa was still always there for me and for my sisters too . Things didn 't change until the summer we moved away . I was 16 . It hasn 't been the same since . We didn 't live in the same town anymore . I had my license by then , and I used it every chance I got . I was working too - anything to get out of the house . Things were just different . I 'm not sure that time was the issue , but something got in the way . Somehow I lost focus . I paid more attention to the stuff I thought mattered at the time , the stuff in high school that now seems so foolish and childish or just plain stupid . I lost track of my priorities . They - I - changed and not for the better . Still grandma and grandpa were there for me , even when I didn 't deserve it . When I moved out of my parents house , grandma came and helped me with my new apartment . When I graduated high school , grandpa and grandma bought me a beautiful bracelet . I still have it - it 's upstairs in my jewelry box . When I got into serious trouble - arrested for public intoxication - my grandpa called , worried and sad . He didn 't understand what had happened ; I didn 't either . He didn 't understand why I was drinking . I couldn 't tell him why I was so unhappy . I didn 't know why . He was disappointed . Knowing that , hearing his voice , I felt lower than ever . I had let down the one person who mattered , the one person who stood by me and never let me down . We haven 't really talked about anything meaningful since . I know he still cares . He tells me so . At times I get different things from grandpa that make my heart soar . When my daughter was born he sent a beautiful card that still makes me cry when I read it . My youngest sister stayed with grandma and grandpa last year , right after she got a cell phone . One day I received a text from her phone that read " This is grandpa . You will always be my little girl . I love you " . This man has been my guardian angel since the day I was born . He has always been there when I needed him and even when I didn 't . He made my childhood more than it would have been otherwise . He showed me things others couldn 't or wouldn 't or just didn 't . He gave me memories worth remembering , experiences I could be proud of . To this day , he does the same for my youngest sister . I thank him for that . I thank him for everything that he has done . I thank God that he was a part of my life . He didn 't have to do any of it . He is my moms step - dad - he is not a blood relative . He isn 't mine and I am not his , but we have a bond closer than anyone could ask for . Whoever said " blood is thicker than water " never had someone like my grandpa in his life . In everything he did , grandpa made one thing obvious . Grandpa showed that the thickest thing of all is love . Sitting in the mauve colored recliner in the far corner of the room , I 'm in a terrible mood . The incision hurts every time I breathe . I 'm swollen and stiff - they said it would go away after they took the baby , but it hasn 't . My blood pressure is sky high , still . Nothing has changed . I am grateful for one thing . They said the baby was healthier than they had expected . He was perfect considering the circumstances . Two days ago , it was just another Friday . My husband and I visited the city - he interviewed at a company on the south side . Was this number twelve or number fifteen ? I had lost count . I spent the day sitting in the car . August is supposed to be hot , but I was burning up . I knew the AC worked - two weeks earlier Pep Boys charged me over a hundred dollars to fix the compressor . I had on pregnancy shorts , a Toby Keith tank , and the comfiest flip flops I owned ( worn out , of course . ) Sitting there , bored , I passed the time jotting down baby names that I liked . He wasn 't due till mid October ; I figured I had plenty of time to pick one out . Paul , Robert , Ben , Patrick , and Mark were my top five . I always said if I ever had kids I would never name them after anybody I was related to . My list turned out to be nothing but names of men in my family . My bible was laying on the dash - not because I was reading it - I had found it under the seat on the drive up . For some reason - who knows why we do things - I glanced at it . The name Gabriel came to mind . Lord knows I 'm no expert on the Bible or anything else , but I know he appeared to Mary and told her what God was to do with her . I sat there for a minute thinking about Gabriel . It stuck in my head . I wrote down ' Luke ' and ' Gabriel ' , then folded the paper and shoved it between the seats . I slipped off my flip flops off , laid back , and took a nap . My in - laws had just moved to the city , so we stopped for a visit before driving the two hours back home . Sitting on the couch she asked me how my first appointment with my new doctor went . I told her it was just a normal appointment . They measured my stomach , and we listened to the heartbeat . I had gained seventeen pounds the prior month . My previous doctor told me to lay off the french fries and Dr . Pepper . This time I didn 't gain anything . The new doctor was nice , he actually sat and talked with me and my mom for a little while . She asked how I was feeling . I said , " Fat . " She laughed . I told her I felt fine - my feet just hurt . My feet had been swelling for a few days , which I was knew was normal . What puzzled me was that my flips flop didn 't fit anymore . My feet were so swollen the straps were leaving marks across the top of my feet . The more I thought about it , the more I wondered if that was something I should worry about . I called to talk to Mikey , the nurse at the doctors office . I was surprised when she said , " Come up here , and let me check your blood pressure . " I told her I wasn 't in town and by the time I got back the office would be closed . She suggested I go by the ER when I got back and have them check it , just to be safe . As we pulled back into town it had just gotten dark . We didn 't even stop at home first . I didn 't call my mom . I didn 't want her to worry . She always made a big deal out of everything . When we got to the ER they told me they would have to register me , even though it was just to check my blood pressure . After waiting , they just took me into the hall to check it real quick . The nurse checked it , then had me follow him into an exam room . He handed me a cup and said , " Go pee for me " . This struck me as odd , but I did it . When I got back to the room , he told me to lie down for a little bit . I asked , " Why ? " He said they needed me to relax , because my blood pressure didn 't look right , and they wanted to redo it in a little bit . So I lay down . They turned the lights off and left me lying there in the dark , alone . After a few minutes my husband came in . The ER doc followed . He checked my blood pressure , then told me they needed to start an IV and that they were going to do some blood work and hook up a monitor for the baby . By this point I was scared . They wouldn 't tell me why . They wouldn 't tell me what was wrong . They wouldn 't tell me anything . After they got the monitor on , had drawn blood , and tried several times for an IV , they put me in the dark again . This time they weren 't as nice as before . Instead of " Lie down and rest , " it was " You need to calm down . " I wasn 't upset ! I was asking questions , but who wouldn 't be ? A few more minutes passed , and my new doctor that I had seen a few weeks before came in . I was surprised to see him but relieved also . I knew he would answer my questions that nobody else seemed to want to . He came into the dark room and leaned against the counter in front of me . He then very bluntly said , " You will be having your baby in the next few days . " I laughed as if he was joking . " You 're kidding , right ? " He said , " No - I 'm serious . " I felt my heart sink to the cold , tile floor . At that moment I truly felt something for this unborn child who I hadn 't wanted , who I had yet to even feel move in my woMy doctor told me they were going to transfer me to University Hospital in the city . He said that would be the best place for me , the best chance that the baby would have to survive . He had talked to a doctor up there , and they were already getting ready for me . The tears had stopped by this point . The medicine they had been giving me to make my blood pressure go down or the stress - something had me extremely swollen . My eyes hurt . My whole body hurt . I turned to my husband and told him to go call my parents . He left the room ; I didn 't see him again for three hours . A lot can happen in three hours . I wasn 't alone . I was surrounded by people I didn 't know , people with needles . They continued to try to start an IV . The ninth stick was successful . The doctor then told me they would have to put a second line on the other side since I was being transferred , in case something happened in the ambulance . There I was lying on the exam table , monitor strapped across my abdomen , with someone trying to take blood in one arm and the doctor trying to find a vein in the other . The entire time they kept telling me to calm down . Calm down ! Calm down ? How ? How was I supposed to do that . I was scared , and everything hurt . I don 't know which was worse . The uncertainty made everything all the more unbearable . Honestly , I was as scared as I 've ever been , scared to death . They finally got a second line . I still hadn 't seen my husband or heard whether my parents were there . I asked again , and the ER staff told me that my parents came but were told to go ahead and go to the city . They weren 't allowed to see me . My husband left with them . It wasn 't until several days later that I learned they had gone and gotten gas , stopped by the house and picked up a few things before leaving for the city . The ambulance arrived , and I rode , scared and alone , the two hours it took to transport me back to Oklahoma City . In the ambulance , the EMT kept telling me the same thing that everyone in the ER had been saying , " You need to calm down . " I told her that I was sorry , that I honestly couldn 't calm down . I didn 't know how to with everything that was going on . In an attempt to take my mind off the situation , I started asking her questions , whatever came to my mind . She probably thought I was a very morbid individual , because I asked her things like " What is the goriest accident you 've ever worked ? " I was trying to distract myself , trying to keep from thinking about what was in store for me when we got to the city . I 'm sure she understood . She humored me . She actually answered my questions . She even went into great detail and told me the locations . It worked . I felt better , maybe because someone finally answered one of my questions . My blood pressure went down some . I lay there and tried to rest on what must have been one of the bumpiest rides of my life . Half asleep , I heard the driver say , " We 're pulling into the parking lot . " Just hearing those words sent my blood pressure back up to worse than it was to begin with . Again they were telling me to calm down . They brought me in through the ER , but I don 't remember seeing anybody , not a soul . Were we in the right place ? They took me down these winding hallways with horrible lighting . It was half dark . What kind of place was this ? It seemed desolate , decrepit . I felt more alone than I have ever felt in my life . I thought I was going to die . Out of nowhere , we came across my in - laws , sitting in the hall . I was so happy to see them , to see somebody I knew . They put me in a room right next to the nurses ' station . They strapped the monitor across my stomach and attempted to draw blood . I was so swollen at this point they had an incredibly difficult time finding a veins . It always took at least tree tries . It hurt so much ; I still have scars to this day from it . Soon enough mAfter a few hours , once the admissions clerk had come and gone , the doctors finally came in . You know the situation is bad when you have three doctors come in to talk to you . I got a different story than what was said at the ER by my family doctor back home . I asked how long they thought it would be before I had my baby . The said a few weeks , maybe a month , possibly at term . They told me blood would be drawn every three hours . The baby monitor had to stay on at all times . I couldn 't get out of bed , period . No matter what , I would stay there , in that hospital room , until the day it was time for my son to come into this world . Saturday was a very uncomfortable day . The doctors came back early in the day . I was mostly asleep , but I remember hearing them say " What if comes down to us having to save her or the baby ? " Mom answered , " Save her . She 's young enough she can have more kids later on . " I didn 't say anything . I 'm not sure if that 's because I couldn 't or just wouldn 't . My mom made a difficult decision on my behalf , and I honestly don 't know what I would have said if I could have answered that question myself . There are times in our lives when we think back to the moments where difficult decisions had to be made . Either we made them or someone made them for us . We can ask ourselves if we could have or should have made a different decision . What would it be like today had we chosen differently back then ? We can ask . We can argue . We can doubt . We can insist . We can deny . But ultimately we have to believe something . We have to accept . Later on the day got worse . As mom sat by my bedside , various members of my husband 's family came and went . At one point it felt like they were having a family reunion in my room . People were talking amongst themselves all day long . It felt like nothing was going on other than their meaningless conversations , their gossip , their petty arguments . My breaking point was when my husband 's uncle let his young daughter come in and talk to me . She was worried , and they expected me to console her . They acted like everything was fine , like I was on a vacation or a trip to the spa or something . My mom got up and told everybody to clear out right then and there . She told them they could have their family reunion somewhere else , that I needed my rest . To this day , nobody in my husband 's family understands what happened . They don 't see what the " big deal " was . Sunday was somewhat quieter . All of the visitors had left . I was feeling better . I could sit up in bed and hold conversations . The frequent blood draws got to me by this point . It hurt . I didn 't want to be there anymore . I felt trapped and tortured . If they missed the first time , I asked for somebody else who could get it right . I was annoyed . I was unreasonable . I 'm sorry but , they had worn out both arms to the point of being black and blue . Each time they missed they would wiggle the needle around in my arm trying to find the vein . That is excruciating ! They brought a guy in from a different floor who was supposed to be the best in the hospital . He got it the first try . I asked for him every time they came to draw blood after that . The cafeteria closed at 6 PM . At 5 : 30 I ordered a sandwich for supper . A few minutes after six , the monitors started going off . My blood pressure spiked , and the babies heart rate dropped . Mom went straight to the nurses station . They immediately took me for an emergency C - section to deliver the baby . The anesthesiologist missed twice . I cried . It hurt so bad I screamed . He said if he missed again , they would give me general anesthesia . Luckily , he got it the last time . I remember as they moved me from the bed to the table , I was stiff as a board . I heard noises , but I couldn 't see anything other than a room full of doctors . There were at least ten people in the room . The anesthesiologist kept asking me these stupid questions , but he always ended with " You 're doing great . " After two days of being told I wouldn 't hear the baby cry because his lungs weren 't developed , I was finally at ease when he was born 6 : 37 pm , August 4th 2002 , crying his little heart out . I immediately feel asleep after hearing him . I remember waking up in my room . I was told the baby was being transported to the NICU , which was connected to the building I was in . I looked over and saw an incubator . I couldn 't see anything or anyone in it though . I fell back asleep . When I woke up a few hours later , they said the baby had to be put on a respirator . He only weighed 2 pounds 12 ounces . Once again , I cried . My heart sank deep in my chest . I thought everything that had happened , that was happening , was my fault . It was my fault he was sick . I wasn 't prepared for this . Nothing like this had ever even crossed my mind . I was told I still had to stay in bed , that I still wasn 't well . They had said after I delivered that everything would be fine . It would all go back to normal . They were wrong . I still had a lot of water on me . The radiologist came in to take an X - ray of my lungs - they thought there was fluid in them . I remember him saying he had to get a cape to cover my stomach to protect the baby . I didn 't even bother to tell him I had already delivered . I know he couldn 't tell . My entire body was swollen . They said with all the water retention I was about 50 pounds heavier than when I had arrived Friday night . On Monday I was moved to a normal room . I also got to see my son for the first time . My mom pushed me in the wheelchair across the long indoor bridge . We had o take elevators in each building to different floors . I know it was hard for her , considering how much I weighed with all of the water retention . When we made it to the NICU , I was nervous . We went through these swinging doors , had to wash in big sinks , and put a gown on . I was wheeled to the room my son was in . They pushed me in front of his incubator . I couldn 't see anything . My husband helped me out of the wheelchair . I stood there , leaning on the incThe ride back to my room was unbearable . I was an emotional wreck , and people were only making it worse . My husband pushing the wheelchair , my mom walking right beside me . My husband kept saying we needed to go back to the NICU , that I needed to go be with my son , that he needed me . I tried to tell him I couldn 't , not yet . He didn 't understand . I was in tears the entire way back . The same five words that everybody kept repeating since this nightmare started wee now coming out of my mom 's mouth . " You need to calm down . " Calm down ? I wanted to die . I wished I would die . We got back to the room . I got back into bed . I hadn 't stopped crying . A nurse came in . She wasn 't the same one from earlier . This one was rough and had no bedside manner . She told me they were worried about my kidneys . She said that I needed to try to go the bathroom every hour . When I told her I couldn 't , she walked over to the bed and attempted to encourage me , to get me to at least try . I snapped . As she went to grab my arm , I jerked it away and screamed , " Don 't touch me you trailer trash bitch . " Most of the time I can bite my tongue ; this wasn 't one of those times . She backed away , perhaps scared I was going to throw something at her . Before leaving the room she told my mom to calm me down or she was going to . My crying and frustration got my mom to crying also . We were both stressed . I often wonder if she cried because of stress , because I was crying , or did her maternal instincts kick in for a brief second as she watched her first born daughter lying there crying in pain , scared that her first born might not make it through the night . Tuesday I stayed in bed most of the day . By mid afternoon my mom talked me into going back to the NICU . I held my son for the first time that day . The NICU nurse was very patient with me . There were so many wires , I was scared I was going to knock one loose , or rip one out . She took him out of the incubator , laid him on my bare chest , and covered him with a blanket . Gabe and I bonded for the first time . He lay there for a couple of hours , until I couldn 't sit any longer . I remember he never even moved , never made a sound . From time to time one of his wires would come loose and the monitors would go off , scaring me half to death . To this day , it was the most moving experience of my life . I couldn 't put it into words then . Years later it dawned on me . The first time I felt love and truly knew the meaning of the word was the first time I held him . I don 't know how mom talked me into going back to the NICU or how she got me to hold my son that day , but a thousand times over I thank her for doing so , for not giving up like I had . Mom and I have had our differences . Still do . But when I needed the right nudge , the right push , the right thing said or done , when it mattered most , somehow she managed to do it . God knows how we 've fought . But when it came down the most crucial , critical thing imaginable , she pulled it off . Call that a miracle . Call it mom rising to the occasion . Maybe some of both . That night one of my friends came and saw me . While we were talking this lady showed up . I didn 't know who she was , but she said she knew me . She told me that she was a friend of my mother - in - law . I still couldn 't understand why she was there . She asked a few questions about the baby . My mom and friend stepped out of the room so we could talk . A few seconds after they left , this stranger went crazy religious on me . She put her hands above my body and started praying . It was no form of prayer I have ever heard , and she kept get getting louder and louder . I was getting freaked out . My mom and friend came back in and told her I needed my rest . Thankfully she left quietly . We sat there and laughed trying to figure out what exactly had just happened . After a few minutes passed I asked mom to take me back to the NICU , so I could check on Gabe before I tried to sleep . We got to the NICU and the lady at the desk said " You just missed the clergy you sent to see your son . " I immediately knew who she was talking about , and I was furious . I asked her how they could let anybody into the NICU without having one of the parents present . The clerk said , " Well , you called and told me she was coming , so I thought it was ok . " I went and sat with my son while my mom called the campus police . Before leaving the NICU we made it to where anybody who wanted to see my son had to know a password . When we got back to my room , the campus cops were there waiting as well as a city cop . We told them everything that had happened that day . They reassured me they would take care of it , and that they would be back in the morning . I called my mother - in - law before going to sleep to ask her about her friend . I told her what had happened , and her response was " Well she is a little hyperactive . You 're making a big deal out of nothing . " I told her to keep that psycho bitch away from me and my son . Wednesday morning I found out that I was finally getting discharged . They couldn 't tell me why my blood pressure was still high or how long it would stay that The next month I stayed at various places in the city , spending all my time with Gabe . I went home two days a week just to go the doctor . At one week the nasal cannula came off ; he was breathing fine . Then he had jaundice . When he was two weeks old , I decided that , since he could suck on a pacifier , he could try to eat on his own . The nurse agreed that since he had been sucking on a pacifier this entire time that he should be able to take a bottle . We tried and he took about half of it . It was a tiny bottle . I got in " trouble " by his doctor for bottle feeding him . So I didn 't try again , until two weeks later . They still hadn 't even been trying . I was getting frustrated with the staff . The nurses were great , but the doctor I didn 't care for . One day I was talking to this nurse I really liked . I told her how I knew he was ready . I then asked her what she thought about the whole situation . She simply said that he was my son , the decisions where mine to make , then she winked at me . I smiled and asked her to make sure that every shift knew to try the bottle first at every feeding . Twenty - four hours later I got a call from the nurse . She said " Sweetie , it 's time to come take your son home . He took the entire bottle at every feeding " . I couldn 't believe it . So we drove back to the city , and stayed overnight at the hospital with Gabe . We had to check his temperature every 3 hours which is every feeding . We had to take infant CPR classes . Finally , we were able to bring my four pound two ounce son home . I was truly blessed that he got to come home without the monitors or oxygen like most preemies have to do . The next three years were filled with nothing but worries and doctors appointments and late night trips to the ER . For the first three months , we had to go every week to get weighed . For the first four months , he had to be fed every three hours . For the first nine months , we had to go to the doctor once a month for a shot to help prevent RSV . For the first year , he was on a special high calorie formula , not WIC approved and expensive . We had numerous appointments to make sure his eyes and hearing were okay . The ER visits usually ended up just as breathing treatments and sometimes intravenous fluids . Anytime he would get a cold , he couldn 't breathe . It 's still like that to this day . Today my son is 8 years old . He 's still underweight , but not because he doesn 't eat . He is shorter than all of the kids in his class . I started him a year later than I could have . He doesn 't have asthma , but he has to have an inhaler for when he gets a cold or sick in any way . He has had tubes in his ears and two surgeries , so far . He is also incredibly bright , has a great sense of humor , and is surprisingly independent . One can 't expect a lot after having delivered eleven weeks early . You expect the worst , because that is what they prepare you for . There is no middle ground - there 's good and there 's terrible , skipping bad all together . I thank my mom for never leaving my side , for being there when I needed her the most . I thank God for taking my son into his arms and blessing him , and for giving me the opportunity to be the person I never thought I could or wanted to be , a mom . I 'm a strong believer that all things happen for a reason , though we might not want to see it at the time . Did all of this happen to open my eyes ? To fulfill some sort of plan for me or for Gabe ? To restore my faith ? Did I need to see something in that incubator in order to see something in myself ? Did I need to be confronted by someone whose needs were so much greater than mine , someone truly helpless while all I ever cared about until then was ME and getting what I wanted at the moment ? All that mattered up to then was freedom - MINE ! The consequences were for somebody else to figure out . From 15 on I had done what I wanted when I wanted with whoever I wanted . Here was someone - a part of me - that might not make it to his first birthday . I could walk away from anyone and anything that was not to my liking ; my son was trapped in a Plexiglas box . I could throw a fit , be a bitch , or disappear anytime I chose ; my son could barely breathe . Until Gabe was born I walked away from everything in my life that bored me or bothered me , that put demands on me . School . Jobs . Marriage . Family . Ditch responsibility and the stress that goes with it ! I was very good at that . I walked away from everything and everyone except my son . I suppose you could say he was my accountability angel . I know you 're not supposed to find yourself in your kids , to define yourself by them , to use them to solve your own problems - that 's codependence , isn 't it ? What I found in my son sure beats anything else I ever tried . I was awful before he came along . I was a terrible person . He would have never made it unless I became someone other than who I was . I didn 't rescue him or save him . The doctors and nurses did that . God kept him alive against all odds . He rescued me and doesn 't even know it . He probably never will . I didn 't change overnight , and there was a long struggle to become the person I should have been all along , but everything has a starting point , and he was it . He needed me , and I knew it . I wanted to look the other way ; I wanted to run away . Don 't think I didn 't , but I couldn 't . What I didn 't know was how much I needed him . I saw that , and it scared me . It changed me . He 's grown up to be a pretty good kid . I grew up too , later than I should have , but perhaps just in time . We 've both come a long way . I wish I was half the mom he deserved . The pregnancy was unexpected , unplanned , and definitely unwanted . There 's another whole story behind that , something else that had to change too . But my son , my precious child , was and is the greatest gift I 've ever known , the greatest experience of my life . The first time I felt love and truly knew the meaning of the word was the first time I held him . And the next time , and every time after that . Something dawned on me the other day when I was sitting in my therapist 's waiting room . Like every other time it was a room full of women , some my age , some older . There sure are a lot of unhappy women in Oklahoma ! That 's right , and there 's a reason for it . Most of these women are unhappy , because they have miserable marriages . Being a wife in Oklahoma in 2012 - it might as well be the Flintstones , except it isn 't funny . Get married at 17 , bang out a bunch of Rugrats , and clean up your husband 's ( and his buddies ' ) mess for the next 30 years . See if that makes you happy . Oh , but this is the heartland . We have family values . I was born and raised in Oklahoma . Don 't tell me I don 't appreciate family values . Real ones , not excuses for laziness and immaturity . Degrading your wife is not a family value . Never has been . Never will be . It is not a Christian value . It is not the kind of value that makes things work at home and in the community . Hmm , interesting observation . Where can we go with this ? The doctor and the experts on TV sit there and say that our unhappiness is due to an illness . Why isn 't our unhappiness due to what 's really going on in our lives ? Why can 't they admit that ? Why can 't we admit that ? It seems to me that our potential is at stake . It 's spiraling down the drain . You can see it , feel it , slipping away a little bit more every day . That ought to make anyone profoundly unhappy . These are the years that won 't come back . We 're wasting them on immature , porn addicted guys who want their mommies to clean up after them . I married a boy in man 's clothing who plays video games all day long but won 't hold a job . My sister married one who smokes pot non - stop ! What was she thinking ? Probably the same thing I was - not thinking at all really . Just thinking about the moment , what we were getting out of , getting away from , not getting into , getting stuck with . When the doctor and the TV insist that we are ill instead of pointing out that we are being robbed of something valuable , the doctor and the TV are part oMaybe somehow I can . I said something else once in this space , something honest and from the heart , but it bothered people , and they let me know . So I took it down . We 're not talking strangers . We 're talking people who you think will understand and care about what 's going on in your life , who will support and encourage you . But how could they ? Mom ? She knows better - she ought to anyway . My sisters ? They 're just starting out in life . They haven 't made the same mistakes I have . Not yet , anyway . Haven 't felt the same frustration , the same pain , the desperation , the heartbreak . It 's all a big adventure for them . Dating . Guys . Sex . Getting pregnant . Starting a family . The nightmare hasn 't set in yet . They still believe the dream . The dream is a Goddamn lie , but if you point that out , if you speak up , they say it 's just you . You 're the bad one . Isn 't that the story of my life ? Tell the truth . Get in trouble . Sooner or later you stop telling the truth . Just isn 't worth the grief . You cave in . You sell out . You buckle under . Call it what you want . You learn to pretend , to be fake . In time and with practice everything becomes fake . Problem solved , but there 's a catch . There 's no more you . I 've always had a problem with caving in , selling out , letting others win , giving up what I believe in , not standing up for myself . It 's hard to do that when you feel all alone , when you ARE all alone . The biggest lesson of growing up is that the world doesn 't care what you think , what you have to say . It only cares that you shut up and go along . You learn to deal . You learn to cope . You learn to let others believe what they want to believe - think what they have to think - to give you what you want or , at least , leave you alone . I 've gotten good at that . Too good . A survival skill gone overboard . When you grow up in a situation where that 's the only skill that works , it becomes the only skill you own , the one you find comfort in , the one you rely on . It becomes the way you deal with everyone and everything . It turns into the way you lead your life . It turns into you . You don 't think twice . You don 't look for options . You wouldn 't choose them even if you found them . You become someone who copes in ways that do more harm than good , but it 's harm that no one else can see or feel , so it doesn 't matter to anybody but you . Before you know it , you 're buried in a tomb of lies you have to tell to keep others happy . You 're drowning in a sea of lies . Don 't even think of getting out , because that means disappointing everyone , and they WILL let you know . Authenticity ? Integrity ? Dignity ? Try them on for five minutes and see how far you get . See how far they get you when it comes to relationships , family , jobs , marriage . Everything that matters . Everything that 's supposed to anyway . Born in the early 80s in Littletown , Oklahoma , I have yet to find the place where I belong . From growing up on the farm driving tractors and working cattle to living in the city , shopping with my favorite Starbucks beverage in hand , nothing feels right . Half country - half city - I have never felt comfortable in between . With a long list of bad choices lurking in my past , I can only hope that tomorrow will somehow turn out better than today . While working on this better tomorrow , I still try to have fun with friends , so I don 't completely lose myself . Fun , for me , means drinks , music , movies , dancing , being able to laugh , feeling that there is a reason to hope , a reason to live . Regardless of the past and what others think motivates me to change , my kids are what matter most . They didn 't ask to be born into this situation , and its hard on them . I see it everyday . They deserve so much more than I will ever be able to give them . My hope is that in changing my life , I can change theirs as well . My hope is that history doesn 't repeat itself , again . I want to give them a chance to get it right the first time . They deserve a home with stability , a dad who actually plays with them and spends time with them , and parents that actually love each other and don 't have to fake a pleasant conversation when they are in the room . I took it down when they said I was a hypocrite . I caved . I sold out . I gave in . I wouldn 't fight for something as simple as a few paragraphs of honesty .