I can 't begin to tell you how worried I was about our finances . Yes , we were waiting for the consolidation loan but we would be losing Rick 's salary and had no idea how long we would have to live on my salary . Thinking about the mortgage was making me sick to my stomach . Okay , so deal with it , Jane . No more day care for Michael , he 'll have to stay home . Cut back on everything . Go to work , take care of Rick ? Who will watch Michael ? Rick can 't be left alone . How do people do this ? When I went to pick up Michael from day care , I told Miss Doreen , his babysitter that Mike would be staying home . " Michael is no trouble at all , Jane . Really , I can watch him for you . " she said . I couldn 't do that to her . It wasn 't right . I told her that I appreciated the offer but I had to make other plans . Rick 's mom offered to stay with us to watch Mike and care for Rick . It sounded like a good idea at the time . I was able to go to work a little late after Paul had come to take Rick to radiation . Michael could stay home with his grandmother . Radiation would take three or more hours , with the ambulance ride , radiation , and return trip I would come home from school at my regular time . However , when I came home from school that day , Michael met me at the door . He was upset and I tried to figure out what had happened . Rick was in his comatose state and my mother - in - law looked a bit overwhelmed with Michael . It was too much for her . I didn 't have any idea how my mother in - law was feeling . I could not begin to understand how heartbreaking it was for her to see Rick like this . He was dying and there was nothing any of us could do . She wasn 't herself and the stress of having a three year old that was out of sorts because his world was a little bit nuts at the time , just didn 't mix . It was unfair of me to have asked her . " Okay , Doreen , I 'm going to take you up on your offer . I need you to watch Michael . I said through tears . I can 't pay you but I will sometime ; I just don 't know when . " " Jane , you concentrate on Rick and I will take care of Mikey . He 's my favorite and he 's no trouble at all . " she was crying too . " It would make Tom and me so happy to be able to help you in this way . " " Doreen , I can 't thank you enough and I will pay you back . " I promised her again . I was amazed at their generosity . Doreen was truly an angel . Michael was happy as a lark to fly into her arms the next day at the door . " Don 't , Jane ! " she said looking at me crying . " You go and take care of Rick . Mike will be fine . Go ! Don 't start or I 'll be crying too . " This was the beginning of a flood of generosity that never stopped coming . It is an overwhelming feeling to be in such need that you have to ask for help . I felt pitiful ; it was a ridiculous reaction but I truly felt pitiful . I felt completely humbled by this and it was just the beginning . My friend from school called and told me that she had set up a network of people who would help us . Stacy organized meals for an indefinite amount of time . Anyone who offered help was directed to her ; she did all the scheduling and contacting people . It was incredible . We were helped by our friends , my friends at school , neighbors and the friends of all of our family members . Each day someone would come and deliver a hot meal to us . These were precious to me . I was running around like a loon taking care of Rick and the boys ; I really didn 't have time to cook . I had heard of this happening to others in need but I didn 't understand the impact it would have on me , until I was on the receiving end of this help , I don 't want to have to have help ! I am so uncomfortable with this . I am pathetic . I should be able to do it all ! I don 't want to be the receiver ; I am not good at accepting help . I need help . I just don 't want Rick to die . Thank you , God , for taking care of us . One night my good friend , Norma arrived at the house . She gave me an envelope and told me not to open it . " It 's from your friends and you don 't need to know who it 's from , just know there will be more . That 's all I 'm going to say . I love you and I 'm going home . " she hugged me and left . I sat on the couch and opened the envelope . It was filled with cash , a lot of cash . My heart was in my stomach . I was crying and rocking . I didn 't want this ; I didn 't want any of this . I didn 't want any of this to be happening . I wanted my life back with Rick and my boys . I didn 't want to accept this . ' There is no one to thank , " Norma said when I called her later . " Just put it toward your mortgage and don 't worry . " You have enough to take care of . " Norma , I can 't ; it 's too much . I feel terrible . " I told her . " Jane , you would do the same for anyone . Please , I 'm not telling you ; it 's just the way it 's going to be , " she dismissed me again . " Let me know what else I can do for you . " It was no use ; I said goodbye and hung up the phone . Rick was " gone " after two days of chemo and the pain meds . He was a shell of the man he was before the nightmare began . He would talk with me but it wasn 't him . This was Chemo Rick . It was very hard to deal with this person who was with me ; I didn 't know him . I had no idea how long he would be with me . Is this Rick forever ? Where is my husband ? Will he ever be back ? He 's inside and he will come back ; I have to believe it . I chose to believe he was in there under all the coldness . For ten days he was in the hospital being poked , prodded , scanned , x - rayed , zapped by radiation and poisoned by chemo . He had gone away to somewhere else . At home , our house had been turned upside down in order to make room for our adjusted life . Rick had seen this all before when his dad was ill . His dad went to the hospital and returned to the family room and the hospital bed . His father died in his hospital bed . Someone got fast food for dinner . It was Ash Wednesday , the beginning of Lent . We all sat around the kitchen table eating hamburgers . It was my mother that remembered first . She burst out with , " We 're not supposed to eat meat today . It 's Ash Wednesday ! What was I thinking ? " My brother in - law , the priest looked at all of us and said in a low voice , " Well , I wasn 't going to say anything ! " We roared with laughter . Everything was a mess and quite frankly , I wasn 't worried about eating meat . I was more afraid I would be giving up Rick for Lent . Jack and Michael were out of sorts . They could tell that everything had changed . I could see right away this was going to be very hard on them . The boys were a threat to Rick 's immune system . They really couldn 't have close contact with him and they needed to be washing their hands constantly . I am sure that it felt like rejection to be restrained from loving - on their dad . He was their buddy and pal and loved to snuggle them . Rick 's happy - go - lucky spirit had changed . He was gone . Rick was in a wheelchair , slumped over with his head down . He was in constant pain . We had been given Dilaudid , morphine patches and Roxanol , liquid morphine to put under his tongue for break - through pain . The chemo had started its side effects ; he tasted metal , had no appetite and basically wanted to die . My parents left the evening we came home . They wanted to get a jump on getting home and would get a hotel room in Pennsylvania . It was okay ; I would handle it . Rick 's brothers would be back in the morning to help with taking him to the hospital for radiation . We got up the next morning and I had the boys rolling toward going off to day care and school . I was getting breakfast when I heard the usual bickering between the boys . Rick exploded yelling at Jack , my oldest to stop . It was over the top . Rick came into the kitchen in the wheelchair and I looked at him very seriously and said , " You had better stop right now . I don 't care if you 're in a wheelchair or not ; If you yell at him again like that , I 'll knock you on your ass ! They have enough to deal with right now ; this is an adjustment for them too . " I decided right then that I had to do something . I got on the phone to the oncology nurse coordinator and told her that Rick was depressed and he needed to be on meds right away . I explained the incident with the boys ; she said she would call Dr . Death and get him to call something in . I knew that this would be a bone of contention with Rick . He never liked taking any medications before this ; now he was on 16 different medications during the day . Each time I took out the medications and got them ready for him . He would look at me with a glare and say , " What am I taking ? What is this one ? Why this one " ? It was literally enough to make me crazy . There were six different times during the day that he was taking pills and each time , I got the same inquisition . Our secretary was a beautiful antique piece of furniture that my Aunt Kathleen had given me . It had three shelves inside the glass doors . This quickly became known as " the pharmacy . " The three shelves were filled with all Rick 's meds , Kytril , Dilaudid , Morphine , Roxanol , Dexemethasone , Prilosec , Elavil , Ativan , Coumadin , Colace , Senokot and a lovely cocktail to prevent sores in his mouth from the chemo . The pharmacy would be added to with each visit to the doctor weekly . Steve and Paul came to the house around 8 o ' clock to take over for me so that I could take the boys off . Steve arrived first and then Paul . I felt great relief just to see their faces . I could not face this alone and they were there . The ambulance arrived at 10 a . m . and this crew looked a lot more capable than the crashers from the day before . There was an older gentleman , who was the in charge of them who had a friendly manner about him . Rick liked him instantly . At least I felt like he was in capable hands . I had to go to school to check in ; my principal had given the okay to come and go so I took advantage of the time to make an appearance . The guys went off to the hospital for radiation and would meet me back at the house . It was going to be a long day . One of the things that happened right away when Rick got sick was that I took over the finances . We were climbing our way out of debt but still had a way to go . My sister in law offered to lend us money to pay down some bills . With several of Rick 's siblings in the hospital , we made a huddle and decided the best thing to do with the rest was to get a consolidation loan . This would free up more money to put toward the mortgage . I had no idea what the future would bring . All of this strategic planning was invaluable to me ; I was so anxious about the thought of losing our home . My brother in - law brought us the paperwork ; we signed it and sent it off before leaving the hospital . I felt like a traitor making these plans about our finances but the reality of the situation was daunting . It felt selfish to be making contingency plans but I had two young boys that I also needed to take care of . I didn 't have the luxury of pretending that he might not die . I felt the crushing weight of the anxiety growing inside me . My father died in a car accident ; my mother was widowed with four children at 29 . This made a huge impression on me growing up . Rick and I bought life insurance two weeks after we were married . We would be prepared for whatever life threw at us . When our first son was born , we added to it . If Rick were to die I would be okay , financially . This was no consolation ; I wanted my husband to live . When the EMTs arrived on the day we were to go home , they were glum - looking characters . I explained to them the state of Rick 's bones and the need to be careful with him . They gave me that " We 've heard it all before , Ma ' am . " look , as if to dismiss me . It was quite a feat to figure out where to put the stretcher and how to transfer him ; evidently , this was not the usual patient transport . They moved him to the stretcher and then began maneuvering it to exit the room . All of a sudden the stretcher collapsed and Rick went crashing down , still strapped in and on the stretcher but Rick started writhing in pain . KILL THEM BOTH , DEAD ! I saw RED ! However , I had to remain calm and mentioned again that he was fragile and that a jolt really could fracture or break his bones . They were apologetic but you know , I WANTED to murder one of them . My husband , Rick was a shy man who did not like bringing a lot of attention to him . There is nothing inconspicuous about being rolled out of a hospital by EMTs . As a matter of fact , there were many people staring at him . Rick was dying of cancer but the death - stare he was giving me indicated he might be dying of embarrassment . They made their way down to the ambulance which had its flashing lights on . I could feel the death - stare as they lifted him into the ambulance . Someone took my car and I rode with Rick to our house . The Toll Road was a war zone ; there was construction everywhere ; they were adding a third lane . It was winter and the road was riddled with potholes . The ambulance bounced and jostled Rick . He just stared out the back window and groaned all the way . We arrived in our neighborhood and they put the flashing lights on as they backed the ambulance into our driveway . My parents were at the door waiting for us . A few of my neighbors came out to wave and were happy to see Rick back home . This only served to humiliate Rick even more . The hospital bed had been delivered and set up . My mother had bought lovely new linens and made it look inviting . The EMTs were much more careful in transferring him from the stretcher this time . I guess they wanted to live to see tomorrow . We were home , finally , but the future was looking pretty grim . When you 're the caretaker , you take care of someone else ; nobody takes care of you . It 's hard to think about yourself when you are looking at someone who is suffering . Everything about you seems insignificant . When Dr . Death started talking about Rick going home , I felt great relief on one hand , scared to death on the other . A parade of specialists had made their way through his room . The orthopedic surgeon wanted to cut out the lesions and put Rick in a rehabilitation center for weeks . This didn 't seem like a good idea , sort of like going from bad to worse . Dr . Johnson , the doctor of radiology oncology felt that radiation would be less invasive . It would heal the bone eventually . Dr . Johnson was a great cheerleader ; we needed a cheerleader , someone who could make us believe there was a chance . Dr . Johnson had that wonderful bedside manner . He was just what the doctor ordered . So … Dr . Death said that Rick could go home and return to the hospital daily for radiation . Here is the catch ; Rick couldn 't walk and was now in a wheelchair . Okay , a miracle will occur every day and he will appear here ? I don 't think so . The oncology nurse coordinator paid me a visit before Rick went home . She gave us a gazillion appointments , with Dr . Death , with the hospital for radiation , with the center for his next chemo infusion in three weeks . Next , she explained how fragile Rick 's body was . Rick 's bones were brittle and a fall could cause him to have a break that could require surgery . His immune system was already weak ; surgery would not be a good next step . Basically , she made it sound like a dire situation . I am a " Mulhern " . Mulhern is my maiden name . I am a fighter . I survived growing up in a family of eight children . I have six tough brothers and a feisty older sister . We are all hot - heads and do NOT take things lying down ! Something inside my head exploded with the frustration and the pressure of the moment . " There is no way that I am taking him home in a car after you just explained that . I will not move him . You had better figure out a way to get him home and get him back . If he falls , I will hold you personally responsible . You had better make arrangements for him because he is not moving . " Mrs . Roszel , your insurance will not pay for his transportation back and forth . " " Oh , they 'll pay ! I will sue every single one of you if something happens to him . I come from a family of lawyers who will have nothing better to do than sue the pants off of all of you if something happens to my husband . Do not tell me that a fall could potentially kill him and expect me to take him home . You had better make something happen . " Well , something did happen . She arranged for an ambulance with life support to take him home and an ambulance to deliver him wherever he needed to be in the next few weeks . Isn 't it just amazing what can happen WHEN YOU GO NUTS in a hospital ? They would also be delivering a hospital bed , bedside commode , a wheelchair and medical supplies to our home . The problem was we had no room in our home . So , my dear neighbor , Teresa came over and started to take things over to her house . Rick 's brother and wife came and took away more things and brought us a single bed to put in the den so I could sleep next to the hospital bed . Another friend from my school came to my house and loaded up her van with even more things . My parents would stay until we came home and then leave the next day . Rick wanted me dead ; he did not want to be taken home in an ambulance . He had been in the hospital for ten days . Ten days that seemed like a lifetime to me . I didn 't want to go home either . We were suspended in the animation of the hospital , going home and changing our life would make it all too real . I had a gnawing pain in my side for days . I couldn 't eat and felt nauseous 24 / 7 . Onward , full steam ahead ! This was not about me . I was the caretaker and nobody takes care of the caretaker . Cancer is a strong word ; it makes people feel uncomfortable . I suppose because the word connotes malignancy , mortality , and death . It felt as if everyone , including Rick and me , was skating around the word , death . Yes , we know that each of us will die but most people do not have an idea of when . Rick was 43 and he didn 't feel it was his time to think about it . So … nobody talked about the ELEPHANT in the room , except when Rick wasn 't there . One day he was in the restroom and a relative whispered to me , " He 's in denial . " I said , " I know , if that 's what it takes to get him through the day , I 'm fine with that . " I had no idea what it felt like to be diagnosed with terminal cancer . I was happy with Rick swimming in denial . I was having a hard enough time dealing with being the wife of the cancer patient . Another relative wanted to know if the cancer had been staged yet ? I didn 't even know what that meant . I was just trying to get through the day . I think in their minds , if it was stage 1 , we could do the happy dance . I just wasn 't sure if they were thinking about if it was stage 3 . I didn 't want to know . I would leave that to the Dr . Death . I was doing my best to try to take care of him . At home , the boys were confused ; they loved my parents but we weren 't there . My mom called to let me know that the dishwasher had flooded three - quarters of our house . Serenity , now ! I told her I would handle it . I called my insurance agent and explained my situation . He told me he would take care of it and he did . He sent a restoration company out to clean it up . My poor parents had three blowers going in the house day and night . We lived in a tiny , three bedroom ranch house . Believe me , it was cramped before they lifted the carpets and brought in the fans . " Jane , we 're going to need to leave soon , " my mother told me one day when I spoke to her on the phone from the hospital . Honestly , I was speechless . " Okay , Mom , I 'll figure something out . They said he 'll be coming home in a few days . Can you stay until Rick comes home ? " " I think we can , " she replied . How will I be able to work and take care of him ? How will I be able to take care of the boys ? Will I be able to make the mortgage , pay the bills , and keep my job ? I could have pulled every hair out of my head in frustration . Okay God , you 're in control because I just can 't do all of this . Taking care of my boys and taking care of my husband was an impossible situation . When I wasn 't at the hospital , I was running back to be with them . They were like vacuums for my attention and they only had me for a bit here and there . Thank goodness for my mother and father who were with them . The oncology ward is a place of family independence . There are some seriously ill people in there with six patients to each nurse . Families are encouraged to get food or snacks for the patient from the handy dandy kitchen , bathe the patient with handy dandy bath packs that can be micro - waved and get anything else to make the loved - one more comfortable . We quickly learned that the more we could do to help out the nurse , the better it would be for Rick . The hospital is an eerie place to be at night , glowing rooms with TV sounds emerging ; beeping , clicking , buzzing , hushed voices , whirring cart wheels . It 's like a city that 's still awake but put in low gear , still moving , a slower pace . Radiation in the middle of the night , wheeled in , zapped , wheeled out . Vitals check , LIGHTS , pshh , pshh , pshh , hisssssss , crunch , crunch . " Can I get you anything before I go ? Goodnight . " One night that I stayed with Rick , he woke me up . He was thrashing around and talking to himself . I quickly ran around to the side of the bed . He was tearing everything out of him , tape , IV lines , catheter ; he was going crazy . " Rick , I 'm here . It 's me . " I said in a soothing voice . " Where am I ? " he said as he looked around the room . " The hospital , remember , Fairfax Hospital ? " I whispered and pressed the button for the nurse . Luckily she arrive soon after and set things straight . I helped him back into the bed . " I thought I was in a hotel . I couldn 't figure out where I was . " he said as his eyes closed again . He mumbled , " You 're with me , Janie . You won 't leave ? " I 'm here , " I said . " Everything 's alright . " Everything wasn 't alright but there was nothing to fix it . I couldn 't sleep , my eyes wide open . How did we get here ? Will it ever end ? I can 't face him dying . I don 't want him to die ! I don 't want to be alone . I don 't want to be a single mother . I can 't do this . I don 't want to do this ! If he dies , I will die . God doesn 't give you more than you take . God , I think I hit my limit . Jane , this is life and with life is also death . This is what I have dreaded all my life . I can 't do this . I don 't want to do this . Heeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooo , Jane ! This is Ricky and you will do whatever you have to . You can do this . You will do this ; you will have no regrets . I didn 't want to watch my husband die . I would care for him and never wonder if I could have done more . I would be there for him . My mother was that one who instilled the " no regrets " attitude in me and for this I am grateful . When I was little , my mother would get all eight of us up and movin ' as she used to call it . We lived in a creaky old farm house in Upstate NY . I could hear her coming up the stairs and would hide under the covers . " Good morning , Boils ! " she would sing to my brothers , Jimmy and Tom , in the next room . " Good morning , Goils ! Time to get up ! " she would sing to Patty , my older sister and me . It was a sin to botch up her schedule . Everything worked like a well - oiled machine . In the bathroom , down to eat , up to wash , uniforms on , down to grab a lunch and book bag but not out the door . My mother always insisted that we say good - bye , get a kiss , and say I love you . She would watch us from the front window , the curtains on either side of her face , blowing kisses . " You never know which day will be your last . You never want to live with regrets , " she told me many times . My mom was widowed at 29 , the mother of four under six years old . " There was a day that your dad didn 't come home . I always want you to know I love you . " I did have some regrets . As I sat in the hospital room , watching Rick sleep , I kept remembering the times I said , " I hate my life . " These were words I had spoken , not to Rick , not to anyone in particular . These were the selfish words spoken like a teenager , thinking something was better than my world . I would have given anything to go back in time and take those words from my mouth or my mind , wherever I spoke them . I knew how rich my life was and how I loved my life and how I didn 't want it to change . I love my life . I love Rick and I want him here , God . Please don 't take him from me . My mother told me I fell asleep sitting up in a wing chair in the living room . I had arrived back from the hospital sometime late the night before . I was giving them the update when my eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep . The next morning I was up and at ' em and out the door with the boys to drop them before I made my way back to Rick . I drove down the highway to the Toll Road and thought and thought and cried and cried and cried . The car and the shower were two places where no one could hear me cry . I felt as if my soul was opening and my feelings were endlessly bleeding out of me . It was a river of pain , grief and despair . A panicked voice in my head would repeat , " I don 't want it . I don 't want it . I don 't want it . " At times , I would hold my breath and make myself turn red like a frustrated toddler trying to change or force something to be different that never was going to be . Inside , I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOO ! Okay , Jersey Wall . Yes , I see you and I know you 're there but you don 't get me today . I moaned in pain as I drove just looking ahead ; my heart was breaking . When I arrived at the hospital Steve and Rick were there . At the same time there was a commotion and a troop of nurses and doctors in scrubs headed into the room . Steve left to get a shower and said he would be back . " We 're here to do the bone marrow biopsy , Mr . Roszel . Mrs . Roszel , you may wait in the lounge . " The orders came from one of the nurses . The lounge was just across the hall from Rick 's room . When I sat down I picked up a magazine and for the first time realized that my glasses only had one lens . I got down on the floor on my hands and knees and started looking for it . This is not what I needed in a crisis , lost glasses . I didn 't have time for fooling around with getting a new pair . " What did you lose ? " said a voice behind me . An elderly priest walked in . " My eyeglass lens , " I replied . " I just realized it was gone " . The priest got down on the floor and helped me look under each of the chairs and sofas . We came up empty - handed . " Perhaps it 's in my husband 's room . " I said . " Thank you for looking . " I put out my hand to shake his . " I 'm Jane Roszel . " I said . " I 'm Father McDaniel ; I 'm here to see your husband , as a matter of fact . " the priest said as he shook my hand . Oh , I said . You 're from St . James ; my mother in law told me you might stop in It 's so nice of you to come . " At this point , one of the nurses interrupted and told us we could go back to the room . Rick looked more beat - up than when I left him . It seemed a futile act to do the biopsy since they had his blood and scans and were already treating him for bone cancer . The Grim Reaper spoke to me for a few minutes in the hall . " It will confirm that it 's multiple myeloma . It is very rare in patients as young as your husband . " Yippee , Skippy ! Rick 's family had been pushing me to ask Dr . Death about his prognosis . Do I really want to hear the words ? What difference would it make to know ? Rick 's experience will be Rick 's experience , six months , eight months , a year ? I don 't want a NUMBER ; I want my husband ! It won 't change anything at all . I didn 't ask him anything . I just stared at the " talking head " of Dr . Death as he rattled on . Statistically , most people diagnosed with multiple myeloma are over sixty , black , male , blue - collar workers . A nurse had told me the day before that four male patients in their forties had been admitted in the past two weeks which was unheard of . I knew this must have been interesting to them but we were not thinking it was so special to be a part of the anomaly . I introduced Father McDaniel to Rick when I returned and told Rick about my lens . I started to look on the floor . The poor priest was back down on his hands and knees searching for the lens . " Please don 't ! " I said . " I can find it . " " No trouble at all , " he waved me off . There we were , searching every nook and cranny . I needed the glasses to drive and I just knew the lens had to be on the floor . Just then , the phone rang and I got up to answer it . The priest began to chat to with Rick . " Jane , did you lose the lens to your glasses ? Your father found it here , next to the rocking chair . " " Yes " , I laughed , " Thanks for letting me know ; it 's amazing I could see at all . " " I think you might be a little stressed , honey . " she said . Ya Think ? " Thanks , Mom . I 'll call you later . " I said before hanging up . I had driven 26 miles and never even noticed that anything was wrong with my vision . I glanced at the clock on the wall ; it was only 10 : 15 a . m . It was going to be a very long day . They took Rick down to surgery and we went down to the lobby where all the evening " next of kin " waited for the doctors to come from surgery with the status report . Steve , Suzy , Rick 's mom and Paul were there with me waiting for him . It was a dismal sentiment that filled the air . We chatted about how much pain he was in , how this was nerve - racking and anything we could think of to pass the time . Since he had been in the hospital Rick had been tested , scanned , radiated and poisoned with chemo on a daily basis . He was looking pale and bloated and had that far - away look from all the medications . The chemo had killed his appetite and everything he ate tasted like metal . Oh , the joys of cancer ! Across the lobby a small doctor in purple scrubs emerged and I went to see him . As I walked to him , he could see how upset I was and he said , " He 's okay . It all came out fine . " he said as he hugged me . I told him that it all happened so quickly and that Rick was is in so much pain . " Why isn 't he in an orthopedic bed ? " he asked . I told him , " They talked about it on the first day he was here and then they said that they didn 't have any spare ones and that they were working on it . " I looked at him and I said , " So you 're saying I should ask them again ? " He smiled , " No Jane , I 'm telling you , I 'll take care of it . Hang in there . I 'll check on him tomorrow " . I thanked him and walked back to Rick 's family . " What happened ? " they said looking at me strangely . He talked to you for so long . " Everything 's fine . " I said . " Oh thank God ! " they shouted clearly relieved . Steve said , " We saw that the doctor hugged you and we thought Rick died ! You gave us a heart attack . " " Oh , oh , I 'm so sorry ! It was Dr . Hassan ; I know him . He 's treated me before . " I explained and we all began to laugh . We made our way back up to 9 West to Rick 's private room . As we rounded the corner , we could see that someone was at his door delivering his new orthopedic bed . This bed had a hand pull above that he could grip to get out of bed and a new mattress to boot . I guess it does helps to have friends in high places . Posted by The next day a pompous , round doctor showed up in the room in the morning . " Mr . Roszel , I 'll be doing your surgery this evening . It should be routine . I will be placing a port in an artery in your chest to make it easier for you to receive chemo . I need you to sign the consent . " Rick stared at him blankly . " I 'm Mrs . Roszel . He 's quite drugged up and won 't remember that you were here in five minutes " . I got a dirty look and he continued to talk to Rick . I let him go on . There 's no sense rockin ' the boat if he 'll be the one with the knife . Later that day , a small , handsome man in purple scrubs walked into the room . There was something familiar about him but I couldn 't place him . " I know you . " he said with his two hands out at his side . Then it hit me ! " Intimately , " I said . He cocked his head to the side with a puzzled look . This was Dr . Hassan ; I had seen him when I was nine months pregnant and suffering from hemorrhoids . I was an enormous , desperate woman . A male nurse and Dr . Hassan had performed a minor surgery to remove 5 blood clots that were causing me excruciating pain . You have to know how much pain I was in ; the thought of two men working on a beached whale was not my idea of a good time . In the middle of the procedure the two of them burst out laughing . I couldn 't imagine what could be so funny . " You two better not be laughing at my butt ! " I said in a gruff voice . " Oh , Mrs . Roszel the doctor 's stomach growled : he hasn 't had lunch yet . It wasn 't you . We 're so sorry . " They continued to laugh . Dr . Hassan came in the hospital room and gave me a hug and told me that he would be doing Rick 's surgery . " But another doctor came in . " I told him . " No , he 's sick ; I 'll be doing it . " siad Dr . Hassan looking at me . Rick was sleeping . I told him how drugged up he was . " Don 't worry about it . I 'll take good care of him . " he told me . " It will be okay . " " I 'll meet you in the lobby following the surgery and let you know how it went . Hang in there . " he said . Many people asked me , " Aren 't you mad at God ? " I really wasn 't . They asked , " Don 't you ever think , why me ? " I 'd say , " No , actually I think , why not me ? " We weren 't promised the easy life , just life with all its ups and downs . I always thought that I had control of my life . The reality of life is that we have no control . When something like this happens , it feels as if life is out of control . Surreal is the only word to describe it . I felt like I was in an episode of the " Twilight Zone " . I was alone walking in a world that didn 't seem to get that everything was wrong . My husband is dying and nobody seems to care . Why doesn 't the world stop ? Why does everything continue ? DON ' T YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND ' S DYING ! ! ! The first night that Rick received his chemo treatment , I was with him . We were both frightened . A Philippine nurse came in with the bag of chemo IV with the poison in it . It was a lovely setup . http : / / www . mountainside - medical . com / products / Chemotherapy - CYTA - Administration - Kit . html . I was not particularly thrilled to see the poisonous / hazardous labels all over the bag . Okay , poison will save my husband ? There didn 't seem to be logic in that . The nurse was very pleasant and explained how the infusion would happen and what Rick could expect . It was about 10 p . m . and the lights in the room had been turned down and she busily got all the paraphernalia ready . In a soft voice , she explained that she was a Christian and part of a nurses ' prayer group . Each time she hooked up a patient , she silently prayed for the healing of the patient . She told Rick that the group would continue to pray for him each time they met . As she hung the bag , she began her prayer , silently and we could hear the clicks and drips and the beeps on the machine . The fear flowed out of me . In the horror of our life , here was an angel . I don 't remember her name but I do remember the calmness that filled my heart while she was there . I recall her kindness , soft touch and gentle manner . Rick and I were soothed by her . God was with us , even in this nightmare . Posted by I remember my mom describing my father 's calling hours to me when I was younger . " Everyone came to see , Jimmy . I know that going can be difficult for people but I found it so uplifting . I needed to hear how wonderful he was . I needed to hear about his kindness , humor , and love . At a time when I had nothing , I could cling to the words people gave me . Each person who came helped to ease my pain , " she explained . I decided it would be a good idea to sit down and chat with Jack about what would be happening when we got to the church . " Jack , Daddy will be in a casket . Remember , Aunt Kathleen was in one when went to her funeral . Dad will be in the casket and the top will be open . " I explained . I wanted him to know what to expect . " Mom , I 'm a little worried about it , " he said . I told him , Jackie , I will be right there with you . Uncle Steve , Grandma , Grandpa , Grammy and I will be right there with you . It may seem scary in the beginning but he 's our dad . We need to see him . " " Okay , Mom , " he said . We 'll be going first in a limousine and arrive before anyone else . We 'll go in and see him and say a prayer . I bet it won 't even feel weird after that . I gave him a hug and sent off to get ready . " Love you , Babes . " I called as he went into his room . There were loads of people at my house when Steve arrived . He was going to bring Jack and me and my parents would meet us at the church . My church was a modern church with the altar in the center and three areas of seats around it . The lights weren 't on when we entered the church . The funeral director was there and chatted with Steve . The casket was at the front and to the left of the altar . It was strange to see it there ; it looked out of place in the familiar surroundings of the church we visited weekly for many years . I took Jack by the hand and said , " Ready ? " He said , " Yes , Mom , " and we walked up to see Rick . He looked the same as he had for the past few weeks , puffy , pallid and sick . " Oh Mom , I 'm okay , " Jack said . We said a prayer together and then went to look at the collage that Jack and Suzy had put together that was in vestibule of the church . They were grand . There were pictures of Rick at all ages and many pictures of the boys with Rick . Jack was proud as everyone stood looking at the photos . Karen and Paul and family walked in and Jack walked over to Matt . They had been best buddies since they were born . Karen and I were seven weeks apart when we were pregnant . We looked like Twiddle - Dee and Twiddle Dum when we were together . The boys walked up to the casket to take a look at Rick together . When they finished they went back to the pictures and were talking with their cousins . People started to arrive and we formed a receiving line at the front of the church . I lost track of him for awhile after that . I can 't tell you that I remember everyone who came but when they started coming , it didn 't stop . Many of my friends from school were there . They looked odd in their " teacher gear " walking in . I was so happy to see all of them . It warmed my heart to feel their support . A short little nun appeared before me and I was so shocked . It was my principal , Sr . Karl Ann , from St . Philip 's where Steve and I had been . Her smile melted my heart . She was now superintendant of elementary schools . Mary ( bridesmaid ) , Terri and Kathy , all from Cortland came . My friends , Lana ( bridesmaid ) and her husband Dick Riley were there . Students from St . Philip 's and their parents even came . Many people were friends of Rick 's siblings , some I knew but others I had heard about . Rick 's friends and employers came . I was bowled over by how many people walked through those doors . Many people had a tale or two tell about Rick . I loved hearing the din of people talking and laughing about Rick . At the end of the two hours , I searched for Steve and said , " I can 't do anymore . Get me out of here . " He just started to make the transition and told people we would be back in two hours . I was out of there . Steve drove me to Karen 's and Paul 's house where my school had provided a dinner for my family . It was overwhelming once again to receive the generosity of people . I don 't think I could eat anything . I was still feeling that nauseous pain in my stomach again . We weren 't there long before it was time to leave again for the church . Steve drove me back . Jack ran off to be with his cousins . They had discovered the coffee pot in one of the rooms that the church had provided . They thought they were drinking coffee with caffeine and were acting like goof balls . The coffee was decaf , of course , and they were full of pounds of sugar they dumped in their cups . It was nice to see Jack laughing and carrying on for a change . The night was a blur of people coming and going . Several of my friends saw me but didn 't come up to see me . I knew it was because of their issues with the death . Remember , I was the one who had avoided dead bodies at all costs . I could see the signs and know . One friend had been with her dad at age eight when he died of a heart attack with her at the park . I knew when I saw her weeping that none of that had to do with me ; she was fighting her own demons . It was grueling to see people for 4 hours . As soon as my watch indicated overtime , I found Steve and told him that I couldn 't do anymore . He started the closing prayers and that was the end of it . I was dying to go home and just have a cup of tea . I had made it through the first leg of the journey . I could see the finish line . Rick was still in much pain so they called the pain management team to come and assess him . Now if you 've never had the pleasure of being in that much pain in a hospital , it goes like this : " Richard , on a scale of one to ten , where would you say that your pain is today ? " The kicker here is that although he was in tremendous pain , he was also on narcotics that blasted him to La La Land . The medical professional who deals in drugs should know that when you talk to someone that strung out , you 're not going to get a straight answer . " Three , " he replied . For the love of God and all that is holy . . . I wanted to scream at my dear , husband but that wouldn 't do . " Ah " , I interrupted , " this is the worst pain he has ever experienced in his life . " " And you are ? " she said as if she had just noticed me sitting there . " I 'm the wife . " " Mr . Roszel , is it okay to speak with your wife ? " No , why don 't you talk to him that will get you far . Rick nodded his permission . Multiple Myeloma is cancer of the bone marrow that causes lesions to form inside the bone . Imagine the bones under all that pressure ; this is where the pain comes from . I 'm thinking the woman is not dumb ; she can see what kind of excruciating pain he 's in , and the Dilaudid they were pumping into him was not even touching it . " His pain level is a ten . " I said . " Well , would you agree with that Mr . Roszel ? " she asked . " Yes , " he replied . I learned a lot about pain while Rick was sick . It is like a monster that needs to be tamed . You punch it down bit by bit until it reaches a point where it can be tolerated . The monster is sneaky and tries to show its head and attack unnoticed . I would gain a whole bag of tricks for taming that monster in a very short time . The key to the taming was looking for the signs in Ricky to recognize when it was sneaking up . There was a pattern with Rick that began to emerge . If he didn 't admit to horror , then it wasn 't real . I think going to the hospital was admitting that there was seriousness to the situation . If he said that the pain wasn 't that bad , then it wasn 't . I would have to read his pain , ask the questions and suffer the backlash from him . It wasn 't fun but it was what I signed up for . For better or worse , in sickness and in health . . . I was in for the long haul . I picked up Michael at Miss Doreen 's and Jack was at home when we got there . It 's funny that the picture is clear in my head of that day . Tell Jack . I took him outside to the bench in front of our house . How many times had we sat there since he was two waiting for his dad to arrive home from work ? I needed to focus on being calm and sounding like a loving mother , not the scared woman within . " You know Dad is in the hospital and he 's sick , really sick ? " I started . " He actually has cancer , bone cancer . " " No , not my dad . " he began to cry and collapsed into me . " Here was my baby ; twelve years old having to face something he shouldn 't for many years to come . " Jack , this is not the end of the world . The good thing is that they have found it . They will try to do everything possible to make him well . You know lots of people with cancer . Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer before you were born . Grandma was diagnosed before Michael was born " I explained . He looked at me with his big blue eyes and said , " They did ? " " Lots of people have cancer . We don 't know all the details yet , and we 're going to take it one step at a time . " " Will he be okay ? " he asked . Here comes the tricky one . " Well , I don 't know , Jack . We 'll have to pray and be strong and enjoy every day we have . Jack , we never know how many days we have ; think about Dermot " . He was our neighbor across the street that had died of a sudden heart attack and the only person Jack knew other than my aunt who died . " We 're all going to die some day . We never really know what our future will bring ; we have to hang in there . " We sat on the bench for awhile , my arms around him . I had to leave , yet again , to go to the hospital . When I arrived , I discovered they had moved Rick to 9 West , the oncology ward . Suzy and Rick 's mom were there when I walked in , as well as Steve and Paul . Suzy was telling me about how great the floor was and how they had everything here and the room looked like a hotel room . Overload ! I shouted in my head . It wasn 't her fault ; I couldn 't see the positive in any of this . It looked to me like I was losing my husband . Rick 's nurse came in and introduced herself to me She would be on several days and we would see her again . Mary was one of the first angels God sent to us . She had a gentle voice and a beautiful face and a way about her that made it seem like there was hope . Steve , Paul , Karen and I made a pact that we would not leave him alone in the hospital again . We spoke in hushed voices in the hall . It was a deal . I needed to be with the boys that night so Steve would stay the night . There was a small pull - out sofa in his room for family to spend the night . No one gives you a manual for helping your husband with terminal cancer . The book list should include , How to Survive the Worst News of your Life , Caretakers Guide for Idiots , and Cancer Sucks ; How to Deal with All the Abominable Events that Will Happen to You and Your Loved One . People do not think about these things ; they do not think these things will happen to them . Wham ! It happened to me . Even if there was a manual I had no time to sit and read a book . A woman from Life with Cancer arrived to give me the cursory pamphlets , websites and a lovely laminated card with " stress buster " phrases . The pearl that she left me with was the suggestion to get a four inch , three - ringed binder , a calendar and a notebook . These were my tools for waging war on this monster . I found out soon enough that if you act like you don 't know anything , doctors treat you like you don 't know anything . Act like you understand it all and they speak to you as an intelligent human being . They hooked Rick up to all kinds of medications with a pump . He was gone to La La Land , which by all indications from the night before was a better place for him to be . Steve and I sat quietly chatting while the beeping echoed in the room . He was so overwhelmed ; this was his baby brother . He was a priest and he would take the time he needed to be there . What could they to do , fire him ? It was a beautiful view from the ninth floor . It was easy to look out and think . I 'm not here ; this is not happening to us . I could see the lights twinkling , the stars and the haze of light from all over Northern Virginia ; it was dazzling . The loud roar from a helicopter landing on the other side of the building brought me back quickly to the reality that was mine . Off I went back home to kiss my sleeping boys goodnight . Oh , there 's that jersey wall calling to me again , inviting me to take the easy way out . Keep on the straight and narrow path , Jane . Jack and Michael need you ; you have to be strong . God grant me the serenity … We were home and Rick was a ghost of himself , experiencing the pain , the shock and fear of the day . My parents were on their way from New York to help out . In the meantime , a home health nurse arrived at our door to go through another long process of forms , medical history and minutia . She finally left around 10 p . m . I helped Rick into bed . He was shaky , pale and in horrendous pain . He did go to sleep but was really having trouble breathing . It seemed that every breath was excruciating for him . I was worried . It was at about that time that my mind became the safe place to talk . I didn 't feel comfortable expressing my worries to Rick . He didn 't want to talk about anything ; he just wanted it all to go away . Ten thousand thoughts were going through my brain at once . What if he dies ? What if he lives ? What if I can 't support us ? Will we lose our house ? What will become of the boys ? Somewhere inside came the voice of my prayer . . . God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , to change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the difference . This would become my mantra for a very long time . We left the urgent care facility with some pretty heavy - duty pain killers . Rick was still in pain . None of it seemed to touch the pain . I called the doctor back at the Falls Church Center . She said that she could only admit him to the hospital for pain management . He was adamant ; he was not going . By three o ' clock in the morning , I couldn 't stand it any more ; I thought he would be dead by morning . I called her back ; she told me to take him to the hospital that she would arrange for it . Rick was so angry with me . He didn 't want to go to the hospital . " Please Jane , don 't take me , please ! " He didn 't want to make this real . I was panicking ; I had to bring him . My sister - in - law , Karen was there in ten minutes to drive us ; Paul stayed with the kids . As we were helping him out the front door on crutches , my parents arrived . I could see the shock in their faces as they looked at my sweet husband . There was something about seeing my own parents reacting to the situation that brought the gravity of it all slamming into my head . We were off down the road to the hospital . The night was a blur . . . I had to leave him to go back to the boys . All I could think of was that they would wake up to my parents and freak out . Karen dropped me off and I dropped into an empty bed , set the alarm and closed my eyes to the nightmare I was in until I woke to the alarm . The boys were aware that something was up ; something was different . It was Monday morning and I got them going and took them off to school and the babysitter 's and then drove to the hospital . When I arrived there was a gaggle of family all standing in the room . Rick gave me the " death stare " when I walked in the room . " Don 't ever leave me again . " he said . His arms were covered in bruises ; each area was where they tried to draw blood . " I can 't believe you left me here . " Dr . Aloisious Passan walked in the room . He was an Indian man not imposing in stature but surly in demeanor . In his defense , he just walked into a room with about 10 relatives of a man to whom he would deliver dire news . He examined Rick in a dispassionate manner and began to explain to him what Multiple Myeloma was and the next step of having a bone marrow biopsy . His face was solemn as he told Rick that he would be moved to 9 West , the oncology ward and placed in a private room because his white blood cell count was high and his immune system was compromised . Exit , Dr . Death . My Rick was a quiet man but had a grand sense of humor . His family knew that his sharp wit would come at unsuspected moments . As we all stood around his bed , crying and contemplating the news , Rick looked at all of us in the room and said in a solemn voice , " There goes the Grim Reaper . " We all burst out laughing so hard that we couldn 't stop once we had started . There was Ricky to set the moment right . All those who would be " rocks " for us in the coming weeks were there in the room . His brothers , Paul and Stephen , Karen , my brother Danny and his fiance , Chris . I sat with them and cried with them and hugged them , all the while thinking about my babies at home . I had to leave him again . Jack would be home and all I could think was that I needed to tell him that his father had cancer before one of his cousins told him . Rick was okay with me leaving because his family was there and his mom and sister were on their way to the hospital . I drove home on the Beltway and headed for the Toll Rd . I don 't want to do this . The concrete jersey wall was looking very inviting to me as I drove . Turn the wheel and you won 't have to face it . I was on my way to my sons and what choice did I have ? They needed me and I couldn 't take the easy way out . We had been married for 14 years , loved each other more than life . Life was a struggle , money , house , kids , jobs but we were very happy . Our life changed the day Rick walked up the driveway to the babysitter 's house . He was carrying Michael ( 3 ) and slipped on the ice . He didn 't actually fall ; he wrenched his leg , felt pain in his groin . It wasn 't a big deal or so we thought . Rick told me about the slip but didn 't make much of it . We were both experiencing the aches and pains that come with being over 40 . Things don 't heal as fast . The gray hairs keep coming and those little creases are called wrinkles . A few days later , Rick was limping quite a bit . I even called him " Hop Along Cassidy . " In a week , he was using crutches to walk and went to the urgent care facility where they took x - rays that were later lost . In another week , the man who was never sick , never missed work , had a 103 fever and was begging me to come home from work and take him to the doctor . We went to the doctor who had just examined him the day before . The day before it was nothing ; the day before they told him to rest and stay off the leg . Today , it was pneumonia and x - rays that finally showed up that revealed lesions in his femur and hip . Today was very serious with talk of oncologists , orthopedic surgeons and full body scans and appointments all over Northern Virginia . Today our life changed forever . The funny thing about the appointment was they failed to mention " the C - word . " They would leave that for someone else . Rick was in a lot of pain and of course , was reeling from all the commotion over his condition . We somehow managed to go to sleep that night . The phone rang at 7 : 05 a . m . The nurse on the other end had an urgency and an edge in her voice . " The blood work has come back and you need to get your husband in here as soon as possible ! " There is so much that can be read in tone . My anxiety went through the ceiling . I turned and looked at Rick and said , " They want you to come in right away . Something 's wrong . Something 's very wrong . " It was Valentine 's Day that the Grim Reaper told us that it was bone cancer , multiple myeloma to be exact but only a bone marrow biopsy would confirm that . Rick 's calcium levels were sky high . They needed to pump him full of IV fluids to help his kidneys which were almost failing . We spent more than 12 hours there and then went home with our hearts and our heads full of fear . I was sitting in the shrink 's last week on my usual day at my usual hour , telling him , yet another story about my family . He was laughing so hard that tears were falling from his face when he said , " You have to write a book and that has to be the name , The Hole in the Ceiling . " I 'm not up to a book but tonight I decided to blog . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm living happily ever after . I just have so many stories to tell , knowing where to begin is the challenge . I frequently tell the shrink that my life is worse than a cheap novel , no one could make up this stuff ; it just happens to me . I may as well start with the shrink . Dr . T or as I refer to him , " The Great Tishone " is the best present I have ever given myself . Who else would listen to me on a weekly basis ? I started seeing him when I became extremely depressed after my husband died , when I became the " weeping widow . " I was aware that I was depressed . Guess what ? Death is depressing . Grief is depressing . However , I had a four year old and a 12 year old and I had to pull myself together . I could not completely fall apart so I got the name of the shrink that everyone at my school used . Can you imagine how boring it would be to sit and listen to a weeping widow week after week after week ? I could . I really felt sorry for the guy . Dr . T . has allergies and when he takes an antihistamine , he cannot keep his eyes open . The poor man would sit in the most uncomfortable chair in the room to try to keep awake . One day he actually fell asleep . To be honest , I couldn 't be upset with him ; I was boring him to death . I started bringing him coffee from then on , so at least he had something to focus on besides me . I started my sessions not knowing what to talk about . It was awful to have to tell the story of the most devastating thing that ever happened to me . I would get a panicky feeling in my chest and my head would be flooded with questions I didn 't have the answers to . How do I go on ? I didn 't plan for this . This wasn 't part of the plan . What is my plan ? I don 't have a plan . Talking with Dr . T . allowed me to let some of it out . The more I spoke about my loss , the easier it became . Dr . T . did a lot of listening . He listened and then dropped a few pearls of wisdom . The one that stuck was , " When people go through horrible things and can still see positives from the experience , those are the people who will make it . " I decided right then and there that was the one I was sticking with . Shortly after Rick died , I decided that the best revenge against Death was living a Great life . I meant it too . I refused to let death take my joy , take my optimism , take me ; I was going to fight back . It was a long , hard road to find me and when I found me , I was a new Jane . Jack was a little nervous the first day but once he made it into a boat , he was in heaven . I met my class in the office . There was Charlie . . . I remember my mom describing my father 's calling hours to me when I was younger . " Everyone came to see , Jimmy . I know that going . . .