I 've known for a little while that there 's no way I can come up with the money for Worldcon . I had all these plans to do it , even if it meant borrowing it , but it 's not happening , and it 's better not to go into debt to do it . But it means that I won 't see G . I haven 't seen him in three years , and it 's getting to me . The only thing that makes it okay that I 'm not going to see him is that I have a plan for a couple months from now when I have more money . It will allow me to either bring him here , or for me to go there , depending on what he 's willing to do . Either way it 'll work for me . I 'll get spanked for real and not just from myself , and things will be good again . I haven 't been spanked in so long I 've forgotten what it 's like to be in the same room and under his control . I want that , I need that , and I 'm going to do what I can to make it happen . I have to talk to him about it tonight , so we 'll see how it goes . The next night was Sunday , which meant I had to go to bed early . I didn 't know how I was going to manage to get to bed so early , when I was used to staying up until one or two in the morning . Going to bed the same day I woke up just wasn 't normally in the cards . I got into bed , expecting to lie there for hours , but surprisingly , I was asleep in half an hour . When the alarm went off in the morning I woke up right away , and didn 't hit the snooze alarm once . I got to work in plenty of time for the first time in ages . The rest of the week went along essentially the same way . I thought I had this thing licked , and that the bedtime would be very temporary . I had hope that I wouldn 't need rules for very long . When I called Kate that Friday , she was very pleased that I was following the rule so well , and called me a good girl . That made me happy , because I wasn 't used to hearing that . It made me want to keep being a good girl and doing what Kate wanted me to do . The next week started well enough , I kept to my bedtime and woke up when I was supposed to . Then on Thursday , some of the women at work asked if I wanted to go with them for a night out . Forgetting what Kate had told me about asking permission , I told them I 'd go . We went to a bar , and the next thing I knew , it was one in the morning . By the time I got home it was closer to two , but I figured that I 'd already broken the rule , a little longer wouldn 't make any difference . When the alarm went off five and a half hours later , I hit the snooze button three times and ended up being late for work . Realizing that I would have to call Kate later that day and confess to what I 'd done , I was nervous all day at work , and easily flustered . By the time I got home I was so frazzled I didn 't know which way was up . I was desperate for an excuse to use as I dialed Kate 's number . It was only the second week and I had already screwed up , big time . I don 't just mess things up a little , when I do it , I do it big , and this was no exception . I knew I was in for it . " Yeah , most of the week . Last night was a little bit off ……… " I said , trailing off , not willing to give it all up at once . My heart dropped into my stomach when she said the word disappointed . I hadn 't meant to disappoint her , and now I felt even worse . " I forgot , " I admitted . I felt awful . I hadn 't meant to disobey her , and I had forgotten about asking permission . It hadn 't been on purpose . I 'd never cared about disappointing anybody before , so this was a new situation for me . Was I going to be good from now on just so I wouldn 't disappoint her ? I never wanted to hear that tone in her voice again , I knew that much . I was up early Sunday morning , so nervous I couldn 't eat anything . All I could think about was what was going to happen . I wondered how bad it would be . She had only spanked me with her hand that night at the party , and that had been bad enough , but I had seen what had happened when she used the hairbrush on Julie 's bottom . I couldn 't imagine being on the receiving end of that . I knew I would find out soon enough . Before I could chicken out , I drove to my appointment with doom . I stood at Kate 's door and rang the doorbell right at the stroke of noon . I didn 't dare risk being even one minute late . I was already in enough trouble . When she opened the door there was only a trace of the sternness I had heard on the phone . Even that small amount had an effect in person . I tried not to let my nervousness show . I entered the house , and had to look at her to make sure she was kidding about that last part . At this point I wasn 't sure what she was capable of . Anything to teach me a lesson , I expected . It didn 't take any time for her to get down to business . There was a straight - back chair in the middle of the living room , and a small paddle and a hairbrush were on a table next to the chair . My knees almost buckled at the sight of them . She sat down on the chair , and I stood in front of her . Part of me wanted this spanking , so that she wouldn 't be disappointed in me anymore . As she put me over her knee and pulled my pants and panties down in one swift motion , I knew this was going to be much worse than the one at the party . The paddle was small , but brutal . The sting built up immediately , and was close to intolerable almost as fast . I kicked and squirmed and tried to get away , but Kate 's grip was much too tight . There was no chance of escape . I was trapped , to be spanked unmercifully for as long as Kate wanted . My bottom was on fire in short order , and I panicked , thinking there was no way I would be able to stand it . I had no idea how long she spanked me , it just seemed to go on forever . Suddenly the sting of the paddle was replaced by the intense burn of the hairbrush . I screamed at the first splat of that evil thing against my bare bottom , but there was no let up . The helpless I had felt at the party overtook me again , and I was crying hard in short order . The helplessness became remorse , and I was genuinely sorry for having disobeyed her . The hairbrush did its work , and I was a very sorry girl . When Kate was satisfied that I had learned my lesson , the spanking ended . I was exhausted , having cried myself out over her knee , so all I could do was lie there in misery . She lifted me off her lap after pulling up my pants , and led me to the couch . She hugged me and rubbed my back . " Of course , dear . You 've been punished , and it 's over now . I know you 'll try your best to be a good girl from now on , " Kate said . We had lunch after that , and when I left we were on very good terms again . From then on I tried to keep to my bedtime , and succeeded most of the time , but there were still spankings for that and other rules that she put in place later on . Kate made all of them count , but none were as memorable as that first day , when I learned that when Kate says to do something , you do it . I forgot about this story . I wrote it a couple years ago , but never used it for anything . It 's long , so I have to post it in parts . It 's fiction , but it 's written in the first person . From early on I knew that I lacked something . A strong female figure , willing to take charge . Even though outwardly I followed the rules , internally I was missing the guidance , and I craved it . I had always been thrilled by the thought of being spanked , but it never happened , not with my permissive upbringing . My hopes rose when I entered the scene , finding people to spank me , because there were women who spanked other women . I didn 't act on my inclination for a long time , because there always seemed to be something holding me back . The time didn 't seem right , or the women I met weren 't the right type . It seemed I always found an excuse . That was until I met Kate . I first saw her at a party . It was impossible not to notice her , she was sitting in the middle of the room spanking a younger woman . She had the woman over her knee , and she had this maternal air about her , caring but stern . The longing rose up in me again , watching the scene , and I wanted to be the one over her knee , being scolded and spanked . She was saying all the things I had always fantasized that a mother would say to a misbehaving daughter . It sent a shiver through me , and I couldn 't look away . When the scene was over , Kate hugged the woman , whose name I didn 't know , and the younger woman had a very content look on her face , even after what had seemed like a very intense scene . I stood where I was , afraid to move , afraid to approach Kate . She seemed so formidable , and it still seemed like too large a risk , even with my need prodding me to take that risk . It wasn 't that I was afraid that she wouldn 't want to spank me , because obviously she had no problem spanking women . I just didn 't know her very well , and I didn 't know if she wanted to deal with someone who placed so much importance on a mother / daughter scenario . There was so much emotion involved in it for me that I thought it could possibly make her uncomfortable . I turned , and there was Kate . I had been so deep in thought that I hadn 't noticed her approach me . " Oh yeah , well I think we all were . It was impressive , " I said . I panicked , and couldn 't look her in the eye . Was I that obvious ? I felt as thought I had a huge sign plastered across my body that said , " I need a woman to spank me " in foot tall letters . She was much taller than me , and it was like a child looking up into a mother 's face when I met her gaze . Up close I could tell that she was a good two decades older than me , but that only helped fuel my longing . Not just her mouth smiled at me , her eyes seemed to as well . I suddenly felt at ease , and forgot all about my panic . I wanted to tell her everything about my desire to be taken in hand by a strong woman who knew how to deal with a naughty girl , even if that " girl " was in her thirties . It came out as a jumble , and neither of us understood what I was trying to tell her . " I 've always been into spanking , but my parents raised me very permissively . I 've always wanted a strong woman to take me in hand , to help me fix the things about me that need fixing . I thought there wasn 't much chance of it happening , but when I watched you spanking Julie , I wanted to be in her place . I felt stuck where I was , like I was seeing my own future . I want it to be my future , but I wasn 't sure how to ask you , " I said , getting calmer the longer I talked . " Now that I understood . I think I can help you . If your childhood was as permissive as you think it was , then we have a lot of work to do . It won 't be easy , but it will be worth it in the long run . You have to have self discipline to get ahead in life , and if you didn 't learn it through discipline as a child , there 's no way you 'd have it as an adult , " Kate said , as if this new situation was already arranged . " Tell me what areas of your life you 're having the most problem with , and we 'll work on those first . " I was stunned . I hadn 't expected her to agree so easily . I thought I would have to beg and plead , at least a little . " Well , " I stammered , all nervous again . " I never seem to be able to get anything done on time , so deadlines at work are next to impossible . I can 't seem to keep my spending under control , so all of my credit cards are maxed out most of the time . I eat all wrong , when I remember to eat at all , and I don 't sleep unless I 'm so exhausted that I end falling asleep on my couch almost every night . I 'm a mess . " Kate sat silently for a few minutes . I started thinking that I had scared her , that I was too much to deal with . I already thought of myself as a hopeless case , so it was easy to think she did too . When she finally spoke , it was a surprise . " First things first . We need to get you on a regular sleep schedule . Nothing in your life will go the way it 's supposed to until your mind is clear , and it can 't be when you don 't sleep . That means a strict bedtime until you learn to go to sleep when you should . It may take a while , and I 'm not expecting perfection , but if you break the rule , you will be spanked , " she said firmly . A scared thrill went through my entire body . This was something straight out of my dreams , but it was real . I couldn 't believe she was agreeing , and taking charge so fast . It was more than I could have hoped for . But could I follow rules ? I never had before , at least not with any regularity . I wanted to though , because my life was becoming ridiculously out of control . " Okay , " I said finally . " If you 're willing to help me , I would be stupid to pass up the chance . How do we start ? How will you make sure I 'm following the rules ? " " We start now . From here on out , I 'm in charge , at least as much as you 've put me in charge . I 'll know whether you 're following the rules or not because you 're going to tell me . Once a week , on Fridays , you 'll call me and give me a report on how things have been going . If there are any transgressions , you 'll tell me about them , and we 'll meet on Sunday to deal with them , " Kate said , all business . " Exactly , " Kate said , " because you want this , and the part of you that wants this will tell me if you break the rules . It may not make any sense now , but in time it will . If you 're really as serious about turning your life around as you say you are , you 'll do it . " " Which is why you asked me to help . You 've never been held accountable for anything , but that 's about to change , " Kate answered , getting up from the table . " Now I think you should experience a little of what 's in store for you . " I stood up , not knowing what was about to happen . We left the room , and went out into the hallway . We walked a short way to her room , which was down the hall from the room where the party was being held . She took me by the hand , led me to the bed , and sat down on the edge of it . She positioned me in front of her , gave me a questioning look , and I nodded . The next thing I knew , I was across her lap . I had no idea how she 'd managed to do it so easily . I did know that I was staring at the carpet , about to be spanked . She started slowly , flipping up my skirt and spanking my panty covered bottom with her hand . The smacks were deliberate , but not hard . I could tell she was holding back , because I had seen her spanking Julie with much more force . She covered my entire bottom with smacks . Just as the heat built to a stinging feeling , I felt her reach into the waistband of my panties and pull them down . I had a momentary feeling of dread and panic , and tensed up . The panic left me , and with my panties down around my knees , she continued the spanking . I didn 't know if it was the lack of protection or if she was spanking harder , but there was a definite difference in what I was feeling . That mild sting was building in intensity , and her hand felt more like a paddle than a hand . I started squirming , and she tightened her grip around my waist . Suddenly her focus went from spanking all of my bottom to my sit spots and thighs , and with much more force . My squirming turned to struggling , which seemed to make her more determined . Sounds came out of me that I don 't remember having ever made before , and then I noticed the tears . I 'd never cried from any spanking in a scene , and couldn 't believe it was happening now . Soon the tears turned to sobs , at my feelings of helplessness and frustration of not being able to get free . I cried like I had never cried before , but the spanking continued . The crying was tiring me out , and eventually I couldn 't keep up the fight and just slumped in defeat , accepting whatever she gave . She slowed the smacks then , and then stopped completely . The spanking might have been over , but I couldn 't stop crying . I couldn 't see through the tears , the carpet was a blur . I felt her rub my back , and it helped calm me down . She pulled my panties back up , and helped me up , sitting me next to her on the bed . Without thinking , I put my head on her shoulder , and she put her arm around me . I didn 't know what possessed me to do that , I just suddenly felt very connected to her , and she didn 't seem to mind . Where did that come from , I wondered . It surprised me , because I hadn 't planned on saying it . I 'd never said that to anyone in my entire life . I didn 't say Sir or Ma ' am , it went against everything I was . I wasn 't raised to say it , and had never seen the need for it , and here I was , saying it unbidden . " Good , you 're learning . The 11 : 30 bedtime is only for work nights . What you do on the weekends is up to you , because you don 't have to get up early . When you get to the point where you can wake up with your alarm and not be tired all the time on work days , then we 'll talk about changing it , " Kate said . I followed , and we went back to join the party , but I felt different somehow . Quieter , more settled . I kept watching Kate for the rest of the night , in admiration and respect for her style and her strength . She had impressed me more than I had realized at first . I 'm a bad girl . The problem is that knowing that makes me hot . I know I should want to be a good girl , and I do , but hearing him call me a bad girl and getting spanked for it makes me even hotter . It 's difficult to follow rules and do what I 'm told . I 'm stubborn , which makes learning compliance a problem . Embarrassment is effective , but also a turn - on . It 's all such a balancing act , be good and don 't get spanked except for good girl spankings , or be bad and get punished . Punishment spankings are a deterrent , but again , a turn - on . He urges me to be good , to do what I 'm supposed to , and I want to , but I don 't want to . Being punished is hot , after the spanking is over . He likes it when I 'm a good girl , but he also likes to spank me hard . I know it turns him on when my butt turns red and I 'm fighting against the spanking , to the point of crying . He likes the good girl in me , but punishing me is something he likes too much to want to give up completely . I don 't think either of us could give it up , so even if it 's been months between punishments , we always go back to it . His threats and growls of impending doom for my poor bare bottom give me a shiver of delight and fear . When I feel his hand on my back , pushing me down on the bed for a spanking , that thrill / panic goes through my whole body . I love those moments , before the pain becomes too much , pushing me over the edge into remorse and tears . The remorse lasts longer than the tears , but not long enough . I become submissive for a short time , the good girl he wants , all compliance and willingness to do what I 'm told , but it 's fleeting . Being a bad girl is part of what makes me who I am . I need what comes with that . The helplessness and vulnerability that comes with allowing myself to be punished for being bad give me a surge , heighten my senses . Being a good girl gets me rewards , spankings just because , but those lack the emotion and intensity of being spanked hard until I break . They don 't offer the release I get from being spanked until I cry . I want to be a good girl because he wants me to be , but we both like the bad girl , so we have this balancing act , and it works for us . Four years ago today an amazing friend of mine died . We 'd known each other for almost 30 years . We started out as teacher and student , but we became friends pretty quickly . I loved her , and I know she loved me too , in a non - judgemental way that 's very rare . I never told her about my kink , but if I had , I know she wouldn 't have treated me any differently . I wrote this story after she died for the SSC , which is why it 's so short . I 'm posting it here because I know she wouldn 't mind . Sarah sat on the couch in a funk she hadn 't been able to shake for weeks . She knew she had to get back to normal , but she couldn 't seem to force herself to stop wallowing in her grief . When Tom sat down next to her , she barely noticed . " You know that Katie would have a fit if she knew you were shutting yourself away because she 's gone , right ? " Tom asked . Sarah glared at him . " She isn 't gone , she 's dead . There 's a difference . We were friends for 28 years , I 'm allowed to miss her . " " Of course you are , but you can 't stop living too . You need a good hard spanking to get you out of this mood , " Tom said . " That 's just so wrong , I can 't even tell you how wrong it is ! " Sarah sprang up from the couch ready to bolt from the room , but Tom caught her by the arm and pulled her back down on the couch . " It 's wrong because I want it , but I shouldn 't . It 's too soon to want anything that would feel good . I feel guilty even thinking about it , " Sarah said . Tom took both of her hands in his , turning her so that she faced him . " It 's part of the process , wanting to feel good again . Don 't feel guilty , just let me help you . " Sarah didn 't resist as Tom pulled her across him to lie across his lap , but she tensed up as she felt him reach to pull down her pants and panties . It felt like too much too soon , and she struggled momentarily , making it difficult for him to bare her bottom . Even so , it didn 't take long for him to manage it . The first slap of hand on bare skin shocked her . She 'd felt only emotional pain for weeks , and hadn 't allowed physical pain to replace it . Now she had no choice . Slap after slap , the pain and heat built up , pushing her closer to the edge . All of her anger , heartbreak , and sadness came right up to the surface , taunting her , making her fight against Tom and the spanking . She struggled against herself , knowing that part of her was lost forever , and her anger grew until one hard slap to her upper thigh . The dam broke and she started crying , powerful sobs that came from the bottom of her soul . It wasn 't until she felt Tom 's arms around her that she noticed he 'd stopped spanking her . She didn 't know how long she cried , all she knew was that Tom held her the whole time , and when she woke up in bed next to him , she felt better than she had in a long time . Continue reading In Honor of a Friend » I was going through the archives of the SSC ( Short Story Contest ) from the newsgroup . They don 't have my earliest stories there , but I was going through my 2001 stories and found two that showed how different my thinking was from when I was younger compared to what it was once I got online and found myself , kink - wise . They 're bookend stories as it were , so I decided I 'd post them here . I can 't believe that was ten years ago already ! She was too young to understand what was done to her , too young to process the pain she felt . He took advantage of her innocence to make her believe she was bad , that nobody would love her , or want her , ever . She was too young to know any different , so she believed . She was punished for his own faults , his own demons . Her small childish missteps were blown out of proportion , handled with rage and violence . She never understood why , all she knew was that she was bad . She had to be if she got spanked and then ignored , never forgiven , never told she was a good girl again . If that was what getting spanked really was . It wasn 't like she saw in the movies or on tv , it was so much worse . She was the perpetual bad girl , even though she wasn 't sure what she 'd done . Whatever it was , it had to have been very bad to make him hate her the way he did . She refused to accept authority after a while , any authority . She only followed the rules out of fear , or because she thought it would make him like her , but it didn 't . Nothing got better , only worse . She was always wrong , always bad . She couldn 't get away from that feeling , even at such a young age . She was only a little girl , she should have been happy , not always sure that everyone knew that she was bad . She was broken before she even had a chance to know who she was or what she wanted . Her soul damaged so deeply and so early that she had no choice in what she became . So sad , so lonely , thinking that he was right , that she 'd be alone always , no friends , no love . Part of her remained five years old , holding on to the only thing she 'd ever really learned , ever knew for sure , that she was a bad girl , that there was no hope of anything else . She became what he wanted her to be . Once upon a time , I was foolish enough to believe that men were evil . It was what I grew up with , too early learned . It was imprinted on my soul like an unwanted tattoo . Paternal rage , unpredictable hurricanes of torment , ruled my life . Rules were momentary or oppressive , consequences brutal or nonexistent . The belt on bare skin was the chosen form of consequence too often . No forgiveness afterward , just pain . Not erotic , only something to block out if possible , even when I knew that spanking , in a normal sense , made my body tingle . The idea that men were bad , not to be trusted , remained even in adulthood . It would take so much to prove otherwise . Challengers were very few and far between , and those proved rather than disproved . Marriage solidified the concept . Being single seemed preferable at times . Then it came to pass that spanking became a real part of life , not just fantasy or something not to be remembered . It was finally something to be reveled in , celebrated . Along with spanking came friends , some male . To trust was essential in this new life , for without it there was nothing . But would the belief be eradicated or vindicated . I wanted to trust , and in the beginning most likely did so too willingly . Even in the new territory of my sexual liberation , hopes were dashed , twice in quick succession . I pushed on though , not willing to give up so easily when so much was at stake . I needed this new way of life , needed a spanked ass and the emotional release that could come with that . There came a day when I realized that my beliefs were no longer valid . A well - chosen group of male friends had come along , one at a time , showing me each in their own way that men weren 't what I had always thought . One in particular showed me what authority was supposed to be , consistent , safe . I trusted and relaxed finally , no longer having to wonder when the trust would be smashed . I knew that it would always be there . No promises had ever been made that weren 't kept . Spankings , real , non - brutal spankings , were given for misbehavior , along with something I 'd never had before . Forgiveness , the knowledge that I wasn 't the miserable creature I had once been led to believe I was , that I was worthy of that forgiveness , and I could never do something that would make me unworthy . It healed something deep inside , allowing me to own this thing in me , this need to be spanked , whether for punishment or sex . It was mine , and the brutality of the past couldn 't take that away from me . Once upon a time , I was foolish enough to believe that men were evil . I 'm glad I was wrong . Last night G . and I discussed the math thing . We haven 't come up with a plan yet , but at least it 's out there . The best part of it is , he 's back in charge , at least of my spankings . Family things had taken his mind away from what we used to do , and we had adapted at the time . I guess we got used to it , not even talking about spanking much , if at all , except as a joke . I realize now that this was what had been missing . I liked him telling me what was going to happen as far as when I could get up from the mat , or how much I would get spanked . With my months long hiatus from even being able to spank myself due to my own living situation , we had gone on to other things , filling our time with online things that didn 't involve spanking at all . Last night I felt settled for the first time in so long , and today was when I realized what was different . He made me spank myself with my new toy on the phone , bedroom door closed . We don 't normally risk that because I live with family , but the air conditioner and the tv were on in the living room , and it blocked any sound coming from my room . Luckily the new toy ( I 'm considering calling it " The Evil Whippy Thing " LOL ) isn 't loud like all my other toys . After getting spanked with that for a while , I had to get out the mat and sit on it while we talked . It was so nice to feel that he was taking back the reins finally . I 've been a grown up and in charge of everything for over a year now , and I missed being able to just let him take over . It was funny how we fell into our old roles again so easily . After twelve years I guess it 's like riding a bike , you don 't forget how to do it . We did all of our other normal stuff , just like every other night , but there was that extra little part , me sitting on the mat and him deciding that if I asked if I could get off that he would make me sit on it longer that made me happy . Everything was right with the world again . After thinking about that audio clip that I avoided for two years , and knowing what he was trying to do with it , I 've been feeling slightly guilty . It makes me feel like I deserve the spankings I 've been getting , even though I have to do them myself . Sunday I was able to have a decently long session , over half an hour , and I used many implements . My bottom hurt for the rest of the day , and when I got to do a few minutes with the new toy yesterday , I could tell that my bottom was still sore from Sunday . There are still some sore spots on my bottom , which reminds me that I 've been punished for something I feel guilty about . I haven 't talked to him about it yet , that won 't come until tomorrow , but having been spanked makes me feel a little bit better about things . Hopefully he 'll make me sit on the mat tomorrow night on the phone , like he did for an hour on Sunday night . Back about seven years ago , I felt so guilty about something that I kept pushing him to ratchet up the punishments he was already giving me for something else . That 's when we found out that embarrassment works so well on me in punishment situations . I felt I deserved to have people see my very spanked bare bottom , and even though it didn 't happen , just the idea that it could , and that it was all part of my punishment , helped my guilt , even though it took a good part of that summer . Being punished by him in person ALWAYS gets rid of any guilt I feel , but the long distance punishments take a while to work . My guilt isn 't all that bad this time , so I 'm pretty sure a few more spankings and some more mat time should do the trick . Talking to him tomorrow will also help . It always does . He 'll just consider the extra spankings to be a bonus . Earlier today I finally got a free zip program . There was an audio clip that G . had sent me along with the others a couple years ago that I had ignored because it wasn 't about spanking or anything . It was about math , which I hate , mostly because I can 't do it . I was good with math until 3rd grade when we had to memorize the multiplication tables . It didn 't totally do me in , but it slowed me down . I did much better with fractions and things like that . By 5th grade we were into subjects that were getting me farther and farther into a hole , and being emotionally crippled didn 't help my self esteem in this area . By 8th grade I pretty much stopped paying attention and looked out the window daydreaming instead . I barely passed Fundamentals of Algebra in 9th grade , and my second semester teacher told me that I got all the steps down for the problems , but my math was no good . So of course I got a Top who 's a math brainiac . LOL It wasn 't planned , but he 's been adamant over the years about my learning the higher math that I 've been avoiding for the past 30 + years . I think because of my past stubbornness , and the fact that we live so far apart , he had given up on the idea , because we haven 't really talked about it in a long time . The audio clip brought it all back though , and I wrote him an email telling him that I 'm willing to try again . He sounded so angry in the clip , and I 've only heard him like that a couple other times in the whole twelve years that I 've known him . It wasn 't what he said that told me , it was his tone . He can be very authoritative in what he says , and I know he means business , but when he 's truly angry it 's the only time he can make me cry without it being from a spanking . I know I 've been stubborn about avoiding math , mostly because it 's just so much work for me to learn it . I 'm not stupid , not by a long shot , but my past attempts have made me reticent to try again . I don 't do well with failure , being something of a control freak , but if that 's what he really wants , I 'm going to give it another try . He 's much more stubborn than I am , so we 'll see how long it takes before I bend and really give it my all .