6 Comments Posted on August 30 , 2011 Our mud room is full of stuff once again . Almost as soon as we loaded all of Luke 's belonging into the car for the trip to Milwaukee , Andrew started hauling his boxes down for the trip to Chicago . Tomorrow is his last day home . Of course , he will be back to visit and for holidays , but I wonder if he will ever call this house home again . No , this won 't be easy , but it is time . I am excited for him . I envy him the experience and promise that lies before him . What a lucky kid ! He is following his dream , and I hope he hangs on tightly to that dream . I have always known that Andy had a solid purpose on this earth . I 've never known what that purpose is . I still don 't , but that 's not what is important . Of course , we ALL have a purpose here . We are all meant to be , but as Andrew 's mother , I have always known that Andrew was meant to be born . Hard to explain … Grace Elizabeth was born 12 weeks early . She was beautiful and perfect , but she was so tiny . She fought for her life for 17 days until pneumonia entered the picture , and the fight was over . She was born quickly . I gave birth to her suddenly and at home . We weren 't expecting her for weeks . We weren 't ready , and she wasn 't ready . None of it made any sense . What purpose did this fulfill ? A month or so after Grace 's death , I found out that I was pregnant again . It was Andy . It was a miracle . After trying for two years to get pregnant , I was suddenly and unexpectedly going to have another baby . So soon . Maybe too soon the doctors said . It wasn 't an easy pregnancy . I was grieving . At the same time , I was excited . As the difficult milestone of Grace 's due date approached , I was already pregnant . It was a mind - twisting mix of emotions . Nine months after Grace 's death , my healthy baby boy was born . Many times I have wondered if Andrew and Grace passed beside each other on their way from one place to another . He floated in as she was floating out . Anyone who has ever held a newborn baby has seen the sweet " involuntary " smiles they make in their sleep . I have always thought that it was the voice of angels whispering in their ears that are responsible for those smiles . As my sweet baby Andrew grew , there were times when I wondered at his existence . If Grace had not been born early , Andrew would never have been conceived . It would not have been possible if I had carried Grace to term . Twelve years later , he was almost taken from me . One of the most powerful moments I ever experienced in my life was on the day of his accident . Andrew had been wheeled out of surgery . The doctor had come into the " Special Horrified Family Room " to talk to us . Andrew was in a coma . The doctor said things I didn 't understand . Frontal Lobe Injury / personality changes . Profuse bleeding . Orbital fractures . External Fixator . Respirator . Echo cardiogram . The doctor said that Andrew would probably not live . If he did live , then he would most likely be profoundly handicapped . No , I didn 't think I was going to let that happen . I walked away from it all , my husband , the doctor , the crying grandparents , the friends who had gathered for the death vigil . I walked away . I went into the bathroom and stood in a stall behind a closed door . I was furious . No - Fucking - Way was my son going to die . No way was my son going to be damaged . No - Fucking - Way . It was unthinkable . I had lost Grace . Andrew wasn 't even supposed to be here . His birth and conception should not have happened … . but they did . No one was going to tell me that at 12 years old it was all over . No . For once , thankfully , I was right . If it was the only time my hard - headed belief was ever right , then that 's OK . I could write volumes on what came next . Yes , Andrew 's recovery was a challenge . It was a struggle and a fight . Andrew and I fought together . I pushed . I advocated . I demanded . I made him mad . I made other people mad . It was all worth it . ALL OF IT . Ten years later , the accident and the fight and work of his recovery is in the distant past . If you met Andrew , you would see nothing unusual . If you didn 't know , and no one chose to tell you , you would never know that he was injured so badly that the doctors were ready to give him up for dead . What would you see if you met Andrew ? You would see a young man who is excited about moving out of his parents ' home to attend his " dream school , " as he calls it . He is well - spoken and well - read . He 's a fantastic musician . He talks a lot . He has a wonderful sense of humor … just like my Dad . He is so much like my dad . I love all of my children with all of my heart . They are my joy and my life . But Andrew is something else , too . I 'm not sure if I can explain it sufficiently . He was born out of my loss . He brought happiness into my time of grieving . He saved my life more than once , but that is another story . Would he be here if not for my determination not to allow him to die ? Maybe . Maybe not . That isn 't what is important . In two days , I will let go . This time , I will allow him to leave to find his way on his own . He will find his purpose , and I will be left behind with a smile on my face and a heart full of joy . I have been honored to have this young man in my life . I have learned so much in life by being his mother . Even before his birth , when he was nestled beneath my heart , he brought me joy and a strength that I never knew I could possess . 9 Comments Posted on August 29 , 2011 Milwaukee . It 's been a very busy few days since my last post . One son is packed off to school . It was a good trip , a good day . Luke was so darn happy to be back at school and to see his roommates again . They are such a great group of boys . Ah , but they couldn 't wait to get rid of the parents ! Just watching them made me happy for the future of this world . Youth , dreams , ambition , kindness , laughter . It is such a good feeling to see my son in a place that fits him well and with people that he so obviously likes . This year there is something new at Marquette for Luke . His girlfriend is a student there this year as well . She 's in the same dorm two floors down . I wonder how he feels about this . I wonder how they will handle it . Luke enjoyed a year of freedom on campus . It will certainly be a period of adjustment for them both , and I am staying OUT OF IT . We enjoyed the afternoon in Milwaukee . The bustle of the campus was exhilarating . It was impossible not to get caught up in the spirit of the day . We enjoyed a lunch with Luke and his girlfriend before heading out on our trip to Chicago . T and I in Chicago . How long had it been since he and I were anywhere alone and together ? Surprisingly , ( even to me ! ) I have decided not to share very much about our night and day alone . I 'm not sure why I don 't feel the need or desire to write about it in detail . Maybe the details aren 't really clear in my own mind yet . I will say this , though . There was nothing at all wrong with our time alone . It was full of friendship , gentleness , conversation , and caring . I felt SAFE and cared for , which is something I have not felt in a very long time . Brush with Fame . T and I were heading towards Michigan Avenue and to the beautiful little park / garden where I have spent many hours crying . Moments earlier , I had decided to stop into a deli and buy a lobster salad sandwich . ( This detour is an important detail ! ) It was delicious , luscious lobster on a croissant , and I was munching big mouthfuls of pleasure as we walked along . We stood waiting for the light to change so that we could cross . As we stood waiting , a guy was working the crowd trying to get money . He had a good spiel . Either give him a dollar or according to him , you would be required to skip across the street . Mostly , everyone was ignoring him . When the light changed , he led the way skipping across the street . One guy , the guy next to me , started skipping along behind him . It made me smile . It was a little round short guy . His wife was laughing by his side . Something was strangely familiar about them . It was Danny DeVito with his wife , Rhea Perlman . Seriously ! ! I grabbed T by the back of the shirt and gestured wildly . I think for a moment he thought I was choking on the lobster salad . T wasn 't certain , so he followed them right into the art museum . I sat there under one of my favorite lions waiting for him to come back outside . He was grinning from ear to ear . It really , really was them . If I hadn 't stopped for my lobster salad , we would never have had our brush with fame . Ah … . good follows good ! And My Mother . I was standing on the sidewalk in front of Luke 's dorm next to a huge pile of stuff . T had gone to park the car . Luke had gone to find a wheeled cart . I was alone when my phone rang . It was the hospital . My mom had been admitted . It was the same , continuing problem . She was stable and resting comfortably . I stood there for a moment and weighed it all out . What should I do ? What was required of me ? It didn 't take long . Today I was a mother before I was a daughter . Today my job was to be there for my son , not to be running back to the side of my mother . The nurse had said she was fine . There was nothing I could do . There was no imminent danger . Should we skip the trip to Chicago ? Should I rush back home to see my mom and " do the right thing ? " No , this time with T was important , too . We had both been looking forward to relaxing for a day . We needed a break from the stress of our lives . Rushing back to my mother 's side would only add a little bit more stress and accomplish nothing at all . The next morning , I received another call from the hospital . I was immediately scared . I feared the worst . What if she had died while I was out having a night on the town ? ? Thankfully , that wasn 't the case . She had a nurse call me to make sure that I knew she was in the hospital . She had thought I would come rushing back home . I asked the nurse if I was needed . " Oh , no ! ! She is doing fine . She just needed to be rehydrated . She 'll be out in a day or so . " As T and I drove home , I gave my mother a call . I wondered if I should call her cell phone or try to find the number for the hospital . I didn 't think she must have her cell phone with her . Otherwise , why was she having hospital staff call me ? T said to give her cell a try , " You know how your mother is . She will have wanted to get maximum mileage out of this . " So I called her cell , and guess what ? She answered it ! ! She DID have her cell phone with her ! I was shocked . She was doing fine , and I told her that we would be there to visit on Sunday . She was upset that we hadn 't cut our trip short since she was in the hospital . I remained calm and cheerful . I told her that I had considered coming back , but the hospital had assured me that she was in good hands . There was no need . There was nothing I could do . Today , with a half - million things that I needed to do , I went to visit my mother . I stopped and bought a card and a plant before heading over to the hospital . She was doing fine . She 'll be released in a day or two . Andrew and T went along with me . We had so many errands to run on this one day off before we move Andrew to Chicago . We had to buy bedding , household supplies , and groceries . After leaving the hospital , we started shopping and checking things off of our long list . We were in the first store for about ten minutes when my phone rang . It was my mother . " You need to come back . I need you to run over to my apartment . I need you to pick up a few things for me . " I was in shock . We had just been there . Why hadn 't she told me while I had been there ? Her apartment building is attached by a corridor to the hospital ! We could have walked over there in less than five minutes . Now we were a twenty minute drive away . What did she need ? Instead of continuing my complaints I 'll just say that she needed nothing important . Once again , I was firm . I told her that I couldn 't come back today . We had too many things to do . I reminded her that Andrew was moving in four days . T and I have to work all week . We had to accomplish what we could today . I told her that I would try to make time to stop by tomorrow during my lunch hour . Ugh … . Changes and Discoveries . What I am beginning to discover is that I am pretty easy to jerk around . I give too much . I forgive too easily . Too many people want too many things from me . When I don 't do things exactly the way those around me expect , then people are mad at me . I feel like a pawn in too many lives . The girls were mad because their father and I spent the night in Chicago and didn 't take them along ( even though we left money for pizza and they had a fun night . ) Andrew was mad that I was cleaning last night , because he wanted to watch something on TV with me . As soon as we walked in the door from our mini - trip , I went about unpacking , cleaning , and doing laundry . T played slots online . I could feel the cloak of stress fall all around me within the first hour of being home . I called T upstairs and tried to explain it to him . I told him all that I was feeling , and I asked him , " Who takes care of me ? Who really cares about me ? " It seems like everyone around me wants something from me . They want me to take care of them . They want me to make them feel good . Most of the time , I feel inadequate . There are too many of them , and only one of me . I come up short every time . No matter how hard I try , no matter how much I give , no matter what I do , it is never enough . No one is ever satisfied , and most of all , I am drowning in all of it . I am sinking quickly . 10 Comments Posted on August 25 , 2011 OK , I will admit it . Yesterday I was wallowing in self - pity . I 've done a pretty good job of wallowing today , too , but I have tried my damnedest to remember that THIS , this self - pity phase , while it is really horrible to live through , is not all there is to life . I have been down before , but I have never given up . Ever . It 's not in me to give up . There is way too much beauty in life for me to ever forget what a privilege it is to be alive . As I drove back to the office from lunch today , I tried to refocus . I mentally listed one thing after another that make me happy . Yes , many of them are worthless , superficial things . Some of them are big … HUGE . That isn 't what matters . These are all things that remind of the joy in life . These things , little and big , are what make it worth getting up in the morning and continuing to put one foot in front of the other . Nail Polish . I have a new obsession , and both of my daughters are right on board . We buy nail polish , and more nail polish . It 's not unusual to change shades each day . I only paint my toenails , but they have been colorful this summer . Our new favorite brand is Essie . They have the most fantastic shades . The girls have even gotten me to try shades of green and blue . 8 - year - olds . I love 8 - year - olds , and I am lucky enough to get to live with one this year . 8 - year - olds are wise and innocent all at the same time . They really have life figured out , and they aren 't messed up by the sexual urges and matters of the heart that lie ahead . 8 - year - olds are perfect , little human beings . Coffee . Few things give me as much pure pleasure as coffee . Thankfully , I work in a coffee - fueled environment . There is always a fresh pot of coffee brewed in the conference room at our office . We make a pot before meetings . We make more after lunch . We send out departmental emails to let everyone know when a fresh pot has been put on to brew . In the event that there isn 't a fresh pot of coffee , there is a back - up plan . There 's a Keurig brewer in an office upstairs . We all keep Keurig pods in reserve . I have a lovely tray with my supply of Caribou Obsidian Keurig pods . Ah … Delicious ! Caribou Coffee . I love Caribou ! Hands down , it is the BEST coffee . If you have never been to Caribou , GO ! Try the dark chocolate mint mocha or the raspberry dark chocolate mocha . Ahhhh … . . I was a happy camper today , because I finally bought a car magnet . " I Love Coffee . " Pepper the Wondercat . I love my cat , . He runs through the house calling " maaaaa maaaaaa maaaa , " until he finds me . He makes a funny noise when he runs up and down stairs . He " tells " me when he needs more food in his bowl . Mostly , I love how he sleeps on my shoulder all night long . He waits until I settle in , then he climbs up from my toes . He walks up the length of my body , and settles in when he reaches my shoulders . He curls up , and there he stays all night long . He seems to know that I need him , that I need to be comforted . My kids . I love having the opportunity to raise my four children . Highs and lows , ups and downs , dirty diapers , dirty words , achievements , laughter , hugs , and smiles . There has never been one moment of regret . They are all so very unique . Such a surprise being a parent has been . I am not necessarily a woman who has always loved being around kids , but my own ? Nothing in life could compare to the experience and privilege of raising these children . Hugs . There was a time long ago , when I was not a " hugger . " Now , I have come to value hugs . When you 're getting enough hugs , life is good , very good . Other times , sad times , there is nothing I crave more than a simple hug . I try to remember that . I try to be generous in liberal with my hugs . Each of my children are hugged each and every day . The girls and I hug constantly . Nothing feels better , nothing conveys love and safety like a hug . I love the warmth , comfort , and scent of someone I love . Pepsi . Pepsi is perfect . After my first cup of coffee , I pour a Pepsi . Perfectly bubbly . Perfectly refreshing . It tickles my nose . It 's not too smooth or syrupy . It cut through the morning feeling in my mouth . Pepsi is perfect . I really wish I could someday experience Pepsi in a tall bottle once again . I remember from my childhood the old Pepsi machine on the Main Street of our little town . Plug in a quarter , reach in , the machine would release a bottle . I can remember being scared that I wouldn 't be able to pull it out fast enough before the machine would once again maintain its grip . That never happened , though . Each time I was rewarded with the long glass bottle of pop that I would open on the front of the machine . It 's not a long list , and it 's certainly not complete . Life is full of wonders , large and small . I 'm sure I will be back again with my moments of self - pity , self - doubt , and self - loathing . Today , though , it has felt good to take a short break from all of that . It has felt good to remember a few of the things that make me happy . 8 Comments Posted on August 24 , 2011 Yesterday was not a good day . Today was better , but only because I was so busy at work . I didn 't have many moments to think . I have back - tracked . I have revisited … . again … . that same old questions . WHY ? Why … . this ? Why … . . that ? The question of why always leads me to look at myself . What is wrong with me ? Why am I not good enough ? Asking those questions always leads me to begin the litany of my shortcomings . I am not nice enough . I am not patient enough . I didn 't give enough . I didn 't express myself well enough . I am not pretty enough . I am not smart enough . Who would like ME ? Why would anyone like ME ? I am not worthy of love . You get the picture . Rejection : refusal , spurning , dismissal , elimination . Elimination : 1 . to remove or get rid of , especially as being in some way undesirable . 2 . to omit , especially as being unimportant or irrelevant . 3 . to remove from further consideration or competition . 4 . to eradicate or kill . Losing is not easy . Losing a friend because they choose not to be in your life any longer is damaging . Being a liability in someone 's life means that you are a problem . You are not worth their time or effort . To them , you are disposable . Who could not look in the mirror and wonder , " What in the hell is wrong with me ? " But wait , I have been dealing with this for long enough now to know that logic cannot always be applied to every situation . Some people are guided by a set of rules that ( thankfully ) didn 't get passed out to the rest of us . Adolf Hitler , Rev . Jim Jones , Stalin , Genghis Khan , Goebbels , Mussolini . These guys didn 't care about the feelings of those they hurt . They did whatever they wanted . They did whatever it took to please themselves . They didn 't own the damage they inflicted . Guilt was a foreign concept . They didn 't spend moments reflecting and agonizing over the results and consequences of their actions . They certainly didn 't apologize . Just as the abusive husband blames the wife . " She was asking for it … . She shouldn 't have pushed me . She should have known better . " Bad guys never take the blame for their own actions . That blame is much easier to place on everyone and everything around them . Of course , I have never encountered anyone with the level of evil of men like Hitler or Stalin , but evil and corrupt behavior , whether on a large scale or a small scale , hurts people and destroys lives . Yesterday I was stupid , and I blame myself for that . It does me no good to ask the question , " WHY ? " There are some questions without answers . There are some people beyond understanding . Not everything in life is neat and tidy . Not everything or everyone follows logic . T and I took our usual 3 - mile Power Walk after dinner . He made me walk with him . Well , he didn 't make me . I said I was too tired , but he looked so disappointed that I said I would go . I didn 't want to let him down . He 's really excited that he has lost four pounds . I have lost none ! The Power Walks seem to spark my hunger . I am ready for a snack as soon as we 're back home . Tonight as we walked , I was lagging behind on the hills . Beating myself up is exhausting business . I am beyond tired this evening . I was griping and grouchy on each hill . I was whiny like a child . " It 's too hot . Do we have to do the whole three miles ? Can 't we go home now ? I 'm thirsty . " T refused to let us cut the walk short . At times , he grabbed my hand and helped me along . As we headed up the last , and largest , hill near the end of the walk , he put his hand in the small of my back and told me to let him help me . It was amazing ! He wasn 't even pushing me , but leaning into the weight of his hand made that last hill easier than all of the others . That small action of encouragement meant so much to me . He was helping me and being a friend , and I didn 't have to ask . I didn 't have to beg . I didn 't have to sell myself to him . He didn 't care what I looked like . ( ponytail , glasses on , no makeup , sweaty , and grouchy ) He was helping me , because none of those surface things matter to him . He was helping me , because he is a good person . So simple , and so welcome , and just what I needed at the exact right moment . 3 Comments Posted on August 22 , 2011 The tears have started . Oh , this is not going to be easy . As I drove home tonight , I realized that this marks the end of another day . This means that I had one less day to go home and see my boys draped ( largely ) around the house . Suddenly , none of the things that have bugged me over the past few months ( years ! ) seem to matter . I WANT to go home and see six cars in the driveway . I want four TV 's on . I want the house bustling with kids . I want to hear " Yuck " when I 'm asked what I 'm cooking for dinner . I want those piles of big shoes in the mudroom . I don 't want a neat , tidy , and quiet life without the boys around . I want one of them in the living room watching a History Channel documentary while the other one is downstairs playing the guitar . Soon , and I know it now , there will be way too much quiet around here . I cried all the way home . I tried to hide it when I walked in the door , but I foolishly broke down the moment I walked in . There were my big boys , snide remarks and all , waiting for their mother to come in from the garage . I walked in and broke down in a mess of crying and laughing all at the same time . They 've been expecting this . T announced , " Ah , I knew it was coming . " Luke said , " Oh , I 'm heading into the living room . " Andrew said , " Don 't worry , Mom . You are welcome to bring a pillow and a blanket and crash in my tub anytime . " I stood there laughing and crying all at the same time . I tried to tempt them away from their plans . Do they really need to grow up already ? I told them that I have a plan . I thought it would be a blast to build a giant sandbox in the back yard . I 'd be willing to quit my job , and we could play with bulldozers again all day long . They just laughed … . although , I know for a moment that they thought it sounded like fun ! These next few days will be difficult and bittersweet . I envy them their youth and excitement . I am so proud of them , and they are straining at the bit to get this show on the road . T and I are going to try to make this as easy , and as much fun , as possible . Wait , I should say that after a " discussion , " T and I have decided to make this as much fun as possible . Yesterday , he suggested that we drive Luke to Milwaukee and back home all in the same day . Then … he suggested that we sleep over in Andy 's apartment the following weekend . Yeah , I about flipped out ! I couldn 't believe that he wanted to just treat this as a serviceable job . Take the boys . Do what was necessary . Turn around and drive home . No , I wasn 't going to let that happen . It 's time for things to change , and I told T as much . I have had fun in Chicago with our daughters . I have had fun in Chicago with Andrew . Now I am determined to teach T how to have fun , too . Thankfully , as I flipped out and told him that we were going to have fun , he began to smile . Andrew 's apartment is ONE ROOM . I am way too old to crash on the floor ! It was just a minor bump in the road to loving each other again . We quickly agreed to make plans to spend time together on these trips to take our sons to school . We are both taking the day off on Friday . We 'll take Luke to Milwaukee and then head over to Chicago . T hasn 't seen the neighborhood where Andrew will live . We 've decided to park our car and explore a bit . Then we 're going to check into a hotel for the night and enjoy some moments of adult time without kids around . I 'm looking forward to hanging out and relaxing . This is going to be a good step in the right direction for us . These next few weeks are going to be crazy . The Tuesday after we take take Luke to Milwaukee , I will head back to Chicago for a class . I 'll be there all week . I won 't even be home to help Andrew pack . T and Andrew will head to the city on Thursday for moving day . I will only be in class until noon that day , so I will be ready to help with moving day by the time they get to the city . I am extending my stay , and T and I will once again spend some time alone in the city . This is all going to take some careful planning . We are moving our boys away from home . At the same time , we have our continuing responsibilities at work . Things are hectic and busy . Boxes are everywhere . We 're feeling stressed out , but we 're also entering a new phase of our lives . For the first time in decades , we are going to be able to get to know each other once again . I 'm actually looking forward to it . I 've written about my sad Chicago walks , and I am excited to bring T along on my path . It will feel good to have a friend by my side . It will feel so good not to walk alone . As I drove along today with my sunroof open , the warm air streaming in , the blue sky above me , and the sun shining down on my head , I realized that YES , I am OK . No , I know that I 'm not perfect , but I am also beginning to realize that I need to have care , love , and respect for myself . Being OK has to start with ME . Just as I was thinking all of those things about putting an end to my eternal battle and endless self - criticism , the song Perfect came on . " Change those voices in your head . Make them like you instead . " Easier said than done , huh ? One more thing that I want to share with you in this super - duper quick blog post is this Facebook page . It is chock full of fabulous daily reminders that this great , beautiful world is larger than the thoughts that reel over and over inside our own heads . I need to remember each and every day to look beyond the tip of my nose and find the good and beauty around me . I am back from Chicago . I made it through alive , a lot less sane , but still breathing . This isn 't a travelogue . This trip was much less about where we traveled , but much more about our experiences while we were away from the safety and routine of home . This trip was about change , opening new chapters , and continuing to work on silencing the lingering strains of old memories . Once again , Andrew and I stayed at the Palmer House . If ever there was one thing that helped ease us through our fears of the city , it was the staff at the Palmer House . They were ever helpful in answering my endless questions about navigating the city . The weather was beautiful as we set out for our first solo trip on the L . We didn 't even know how to pass through the gates . The only transportation I have ever had to pay for was a cab . That 's easy . Just look out the window , watch the meter , and let someone who knows his way around drop you off at the door . We stood in front of the ticket kiosks as hundreds of people passed by around us . I watched a few people put in money and take their cards . I watched for a few minutes , but I still had no clue what they were doing . I read the posted instructions . It might as well have been written in a foreign language . I looked for a brochure ! 🙂 Of course , there was no brochure , " Mass Transit For Dummies . " Finally , I went over to the ticket booth where a CTA employee sat behind glass . I knocked on the window and asked her to help me out . With obvious impatience , she helped us put in our money and take our cards . She asked us , " What line ? How long will you be gone ? Is this round trip ? " I suppose all of those things mattered , but I 'm not really sure how they affected the amount of money we put in the machine . There was no ATM nearby . They don 't take credit cards . If you put in a $ 50 , then by God , you would not get change back , but you could ride and ride ! ! The confusion didn 't end even once we had our cards in hand The poor over - worked woman had to come back out of her glass cage and show us how to pop the cards down into the machine that activated the turnstile gates . I must say , Andrew and I were both impressed with the spunky pop up of the cards . That was most satisfying ! Once we were through the gates , we descended down to the platform . Andrew 's eyes were huge as he saw the subway for the first time . Everyone around us looked preoccupied . Everyone looked like they knew what they were doing and where they were heading . There were tracks on both sides . We knew that we wanted the red line , but which side was right ? I knew the address of our apartment finder , but I still wasn 't sure which train to take . Once again , I wished for a brochure with maps . Instead , I found a man who looked trustworthy ( and I am NOT a good judge of character ! ! ! ) and I asked him which train would get us to Belmont . I was pretty happy to discover that my hunch had been right . We were in the right spot , and within moments a train whizzed up to the platform . There was no place to sit when we boarded , so we stood holding onto poles . Andrew 's eyes were huge . He looked pale , almost sick . At the first stop , people got off of our car , and I grabbed a couple of seats for us . I was scared to death that I wouldn 't know when it was time to get off the train . Thankfully , I found the map of the red line on the wall above Andrew 's head . I was happy when the next stop was announced , and I could see that we were indeed headed in the right direction . We made it to Belmont and from there it was an easy walk to our apartment finder 's office . He turned out to be a very nice man . He asked us questions and made a few phone calls . Soon , we were on our way to the first apartment . It was located in a fantastic old building in a beautiful tree - lined neighborhood . I loved the feeling and history of the place . I was excited as we climbed up six flights of stairs . He unlocked the door , and I couldn 't help but laugh when I saw was on the other side of the door . This was a studio apartment ? My God ! This " apartment " was smaller than my bedroom ! I could not stop laughing and saying , " $ 895 a month for THIS ? " I had never seen anything like this in my life . Luke 's dorm room was bigger than this apartment . I mentally cut the list of furniture I had planned to send with Andy in half . Still , there was something so cozy , cute , urban , and exciting about seeing this tiny little place tucked under the eaves of this beautiful building . By the time we went to the next listing , I was prepared for the shocking lack of space in a city apartment . I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to look inside each of the buildings that we visited . The vestibules , tiny courtyards , iron gates , and ancient elevators charmed me . I envy Andrew the chance to get to experience this new way of life . We knew that we would have to act quickly or we would stand a chance of losing any one of these listings . The list of available apartments near his school with a September 1 move in date was tiny . Andy made the final decision . I should say , he decided the moment he walked into the third apartment . I could see it . He felt at home in this one , and it was the one he finally decided upon . We had done it . We rode on the L . We figured out where we needed to go . We looked at apartments IN THE CITY ! Andy filled out the paperwork , and signed his name in a hundred places . We even found our way back to the Palmer House . By the return trip , we knew what we were doing . We bought our tickets , popped them into the jaunty machine , and found our seats . By the return ride , Andrew had lost his look of panic . I could see it in his face . He was imagining himself as a part of this hustle and bustle . We had a great night of celebration . We had a fantastic dinner sitting outside along the river . As I talked with my son , the lovely Tribune building decorated the front of the skyline over his shoulder . I had looked forward to my morning Chicago walk . Before bed , I told Andrew not to be alarmed if I was gone when he woke up . I planned on heading out for a walk as soon as I woke up . He could go explore on his own for a while , and we could catch up with each other later . I knew he wouldn 't mind the time alone , and I knew that I needed some time for myself as well . I said that I looked forward to the morning walk ? I looked forward to it in a way , but I knew that it would not be easy , carefree moments . Once again , I would retrace steps from my past . Bit by bit , I would release a few more pieces of that past . I wandered . I remembered . I touched the handle of the door at Miller 's Pub . I touched the lions at the Art Museum . I touched The Bean once again . I found my favorite little park tucked in next to the museum and sat on a bench for my " Chicago cry . " I am beginning to understand now that some things in life follow no reason . People don 't always act in good conscience or in good faith . Life is not fair . Oh , I have known that all along . After all , I have buried two children . I almost lost Andrew . I have suffered the unfairness of life many times . Those thing were random , though . Bad luck , horrible luck . Never before , though , had I ever encountered the cruelty of human nature . Sure , I knew it existed , but for some reason I had thought that I was safe from human cruelty . After all , I had already suffered way too much unfairness in my life . Why would any person knowingly add to that pain ? I had trusted . Misplaced trust is truly the worst pain of all , and I think that I am a pretty good judge of pain . Perhaps I am an expert . I sat there in that peaceful place in the big city thinking about my Chicago Morning Walk , the revisiting , the remembering , the loss , and the pain . Why do I do this to myself ? Of course , it makes little sense to set out on this path knowing the painful memories that will hold my hand , my head , and my heart as I make my way down memory lane . Why ? As I sat there and thought about it , I realized that it is little different than visiting a cemetery . We revisit the memories so that eventually , we are able to let go . The sadness couldn 't last long . I wasn 't in Chicago to be sad . This was a time of planning and moving on to the next stage . Andrew and I still had a lot to accomplish while we were in the city . Our next step was a visit to the school , which actually meant I had to write a giant check . It was exciting to see him entering the doors as an accepted student . What a program this will be for him ! He will have the opportunity to experience his dreams . We finished up our business and headed to Millennium Park for a late lunch . With The Bean in the background , we enjoyed the BIGGEST hot dogs I have ever seen . We had a great evening with friends . A dear friend ( and co - worker ) was also visiting the city with her sister . Her daughter and daughter 's boyfriend had recently moved to a great apartment on Lake Shore Drive . We all met for cocktails before a fantastic night out on the town . This friend of mine " knows all . " We have no secrets between us . When we met , almost four years ago now , we knew there was a connection . We recognized something in each other . It wasn 't long before we both knew why . We were both survivors . Years ago , my friend had lost her young son to cancer on Christmas Day . Even though many of the people around us don 't know of either of our losses , we recognized the survivor in each other . It is a deeply , deeply hidden knowledge . There is something in our eyes that never truly clears away no matter how much time passes . Last night , as we sat sharing beer and ribs with each other and the children we are so very proud to claim as our own , she leaned over and whispered to me , " This is good , isn 't it ? Are you doing OK ? " I hugged her . I hugged her , because I love her and because she truly does know me . Change is not easy . Letting go is not easy . Good people are out there , and she is one of them . Sad memories can be replaced ( or at least minimized ) by other good memories . Time and new experiences are the stepping stones to healing . It was very late when they threw Andrew and I into a cab back to the Palmer House . It had been a long day , and Andy was asleep within minutes . My mind was still racing from the events of the day , and I ran a hot bubble bath . I grabbed my phone and called T while I soaked . We had so much to talk about in these quiet moments without kids observing our discussion . So many changes were happening all at once . So many changes . My emotions were all mixed up . It was now official . Within the next two weeks , both boys would be gone . I felt exhilaration and loss all at once . I saw the big blue eyes and soft cheeks of my baby sons all mixed up with the huge shoes and whiskers of my adult sons . How did this part of my life end so quickly ? I am not ready . I want to push Luke in the swing again . I want to watch hours of Thomas the Tank . I wanted to make roads with bulldozers in the sandbox . On the other hand , I am tired of waiting up for them to come home at night . I am tired of laundry , cooking for so many , and girlfriends over all the time . I needed to talk to T to sort out all of these conflicting emotions . He listened to me . It was 1 : 30 in the morning , and he patiently listened to his weepy wife on the phone . In his calm way , he asked me if I remembered the times when I felt overwhelmed when the three oldest were little . We had multiple kids in diapers . We couldn 't catch our breath some days . Yes , I told him that I remembered . He reminded me that we got through those times just fine , then we had a number of years when things had settled down . Now , here we are again . Our lives are so crazy that we can 't catch our breath again . He said this , and I think he is wise . He hit the nail on the head . He said , " This is the infancy of our boys adulthood . It 's like they are back in diapers again , and it 's overwhelming . It will be over soon , though , and we 'll catch our breath once again . " I asked him what that would mean , though . Where will we be once the dust settles ? Will we have enough of ourselves left after all of this ? He said , " God , yes ! We will have each other once again . "