Eden Swift Riley was good at pretending . That would get her through this interview , her first in many months . She stood at the edge of her Santa Monica living room , watching the television crew shove her sofa this way and that , and breathed slowly , deeply . She would feign calm . The viewers would marvel at her composure , her dignity . She was the master of make - believe . Ironic . It was for that very reason that Wayne had left her . " You 're always on , " he said . " Always acting . Always playing a role . " Nina walked across the room to stand next to her . " God , you look good , " Nina said as she straightened the collar of Eden 's blouse . " I haven 't seen you look this terrific since . . . in a long time . " " You look pretty cute yourself , " Eden said . Nina was wearing blue jeans - she was not your typical Hollywood agent - a red T - shirt , and a purple scarf tied at her throat which set off her gamin - cut , jet - black hair . She was only thirty - four , one year younger than Eden , and she did indeed look adorable . " Uh huh . " What they were really trying to do , she thought , was to make this living room look as though it belonged to a star , someone worthy of a Monika Lane interview . Well , her house should come as no surprise to anyone . She was not known for her pretensions . " I don 't care . " She didn 't . The crushed dents in the toast - colored carpet seemed insignificant . Since Wayne left , this house had no pull on her . The thought of moving had been slipping in and out of her mind the past few weeks . Someplace where there 'd be more kids Cassie 's age ; someplace quieter , away from the beach . Lately she 'd found herself longing for trees , for something undeniably green . Finally the crew was satisfied with the room , and Monika Lane settled her elegant self onto one end of the steel - blue sofa and nodded for Eden to join her . Eden sat down at the other end . She pictured the scene through the camera 's lens , the way she and Monika would balance each other . Monika with her dark , dark hair . Eden with her blond . But they were more alike than different , she knew - two self - made women who 'd worked their way to the top with ambition and integrity . Eden curled her legs beneath her . Her feet were bare . She wore white silk pants , a soft , full white blouse open at the throat . It was her favorite outfit for difficult situations . It comforted her . It was like being wrapped in a cloud . Her hair was down today , although lately she 'd taken to pinning it up . And there was a single braided gold chain at her throat . She wore very little makeup . No one would expect her to . " It 's been difficult , " Eden agreed . " But I 'm surviving . " She should say more . Take control of the interview , as Nina would say . She imagined Nina standing against the wall , muttering to herself , and the thought gave Eden some pleasure . Eden sat up straighter . Monika wasn 't going to let her off as easily as she 'd thought . " Well , a marriage can look healthy on the outside and be loaded with problems inside . " Eden looked down at her mug to think her answer through . She hadn 't known there were problems . She had been as shocked as anyone when Wayne walked out . " I think there were problems I was unaware of . I worked long hours , he traveled a lot , and I guess our communication suffered along the way . Wayne 's been made to look like the bad guy , but a marriage is a two - way street . " " He no longer wanted to be married to an actress . I can 't blame him for that . " For other things , yes . But not for that . Eden nodded . " Next month . A woman in Pennsylvania . " As if Monika didn 't know . As if the world didn 't know she 'd been traded in . A schoolteacher , Wayne had crowed . You can 't get much more down - to - earth than that . Eden felt a jab of pain behind her eyes , so quick and sharp she 'd had no time to prepare for it . Cassie was the one topic that could throw this interview , turn her into a wailing fool . But she caught herself , smiled broadly . " Yeah . She 'll be a bicoastal kid . " " Four . This year 's actually been good for me in a way . I haven 't been working much and it 's given me time to be just a mom . " " You were so wonderful as Lily Wolfe in Heart of Winter . " Monika changed the subject abruptly . She probably thought talk about the Children 's Fund would put the audience to sleep . Eden uttered something modest - humble words that poured from her mechanically and that she would forget moments later . The truth was , she had not been surprised by the Oscar . She 'd gone to the premiere of Heart of Winter , more anxious about what she would see on the screen than she 'd ever been before . But once the film began , once she saw how thoroughly she 'd become Lily Wolfe , she knew she 'd done something extraordinary . When it was over and the audience sat hushed and limp for a few seconds before breaking into wild applause , she knew that they knew it too . Eden shifted on the sofa , wishing she had a place to set the mug of now cold coffee . " It seemed too great a leap , " she said . " You know , one minute I 'm playing the heroine of ten - year - olds , the next I 'm rolling around naked in bed with a guy . " " You 're blushing , Eden . " Monika grinned , delighted . " Everyone 's blown our friendship way out of proportion . " " Is that all it is ? Friendship ? " " Absolutely . " She thought of Michael watching this interview . He 'd heard these words from her dozens of times . Maybe he 'd finally believe her if she said them in public . " I like his company , but I 'm not rushing into a serious relationship with anyone . " Monika shook her head in disappointment . " You two seem so very right for each other . I don 't think I 've ever , despite the fact that you were clothed the entire time , seen a more erotic love scene in a movie than that hotel room scene between the two of you . " Eden smiled , felt the color rise again . " There was chemistry between the two characters . That doesn 't mean there 's chemistry between the two actors . " Oh , God , did she really say that ? Sorry , Michael . Eden kept her smile in place . " And I 'm not about to change my policy on that now , Monika . " She discussed her childhood with no one , not even herself . She felt as though someone else had lived her life before she moved to California . " Well , let me just summarize a little . You 're the daughter of the extremely successful children 's author , Katherine Swift , who died when you were quite young . Do you think being Katherine Swift 's daughter had anything to do with your success as an actress ? " Eden nodded . " It got my foot in the door . It helped me get parts in the films that were based on her stories . But after that I was on my own . " " Not below the surface either , " she said , with a hint of bravado , but she heard Wayne 's voice in the back of her mind . " Who the hell is the real Eden Riley ? I don 't think I 've ever met her . I don 't think you 've met her either . " She knew Nina 's ears would prick up at that question . Nina was fed up with her . She 'd turned down one offer after another . She told Nina none of them were right for her . The roles were too earthy ; they would cost her her fans . But the truth was that since Wayne left she 'd had no motivation . No steam . No energy . She looked at Monika 's carefully made - up eyes . " I don 't want to dive into something I 'm not sure of , " she said . " The next thing I work on will have to be a project I can throw myself into whole . . . " The image of her mother slipped into her mind : Katherine Swift sitting at her desk , bending over her typewriter in the candlelit blackness of the Lynch Hollow cavern . Eden leaned forward . " You mentioned my mother . I 've been thinking of doing something on her life , perhaps . " She sounded as though the idea had been percolating in her mind for months rather than seconds . She could actually sense Nina at the side of the room , standing straighter , tilting forward . What the hell ? Nina would be thinking . " I could make her more understandable , " Eden said . Her palms pressed against the mug in her hands . " More sympathetic . " Monika grinned . " What a terrific idea ! " She continued her questioning with new enthusiasm , and Eden offered answers , but her brain burned now with the images - the cave , the lush green valley of the Shenandoah , the clapboard house of her childhood in Lynch Hollow . Her aunt and uncle lived in that house now . Lou and Kyle . Would they see this interview ? What on earth would they think ? She imagined them turning to each other with incredulous eyes . She would have to film in summer , when the heavy , breath - stealing greenness would fill the screen . But she knew next to nothing about her mother . It would take an enormous amount of research , and she would have to spend time in Lynch Hollow . Could she do it ? Her heartbeat pounded in her ears with excitement . And with fear . Because Lynch Hollow was real ; as real as the cave , as real as the river . She would not be able to pretend there . She would not be able to make believe . Fireflies hovered in the damp June air , and her blouse was stuck to her back by the time she reached the cavern . It looked just as it had the last time she saw it , when she was eleven years old and knew no home other than this hollow in Virginia 's Shenandoah Valley . The mouth of the cave was still blocked by the two enormous boulders Uncle Kyle and some of the neighbor men had rolled into place . But above the pale gray boulders was a black triangular opening . Eden stepped closer . She didn 't remember that opening . Perhaps a rock had broken loose from it sometime in the last twenty - four years . She wondered if Kyle knew the cave was open to bats and field mice . She wondered if children ever tried to squeeze through that space , if they dared each other . Eden walked back to the car , slowly , arms crossed in front of her . One month had passed since the Monika Lane interview and in that month the idea of making a film about her mother had consumed her . Two studios were interested , but she was holding everyone off , much to Nina 's chagrin . She could not be rushed in this . She needed to be in complete control . But Eden had been barely four years old when her mother died . Her memories were wispy and thin . The sketchy biographical material that existed on Katherine Swift portrayed her eccentricities as something close to insanity and perpetuated the myth that she was a cold woman who chose to live the life of a hermit . Maybe Eden could alter the tiresome view the public held of her mother . She herself was living proof that her mother had had at least one loving relationship . Eden 's father , Matthew Riley , died shortly before she was born . Yet Eden liked to imagine his brief marriage to her mother as vibrant and passionate . It would have taken a special sort of man to pull Katherine from her shell . On the flight from Los Angeles to Philadelphia that morning , Eden had come up with a title for the film : A Solitary Life . The word " solitary " had no particular negative connotation attached to it . It didn 't indict her mother for the choices she 'd made . That would be her theme for the movie - that the world was wrong in its analysis of this woman who was both writer and archaeologist . She was not cold . She was not crazy . Eden had rented a car in Philadelphia and driven with Cassie the thirty miles to Wayne and Pam 's house . Cassie still did not seem to understand , despite lengthy discussions on the subject , that she would be spending a month with her daddy and his new wife - and without Eden . Eden had been relieved to find Wayne alone at his new suburban home when she and Cassie pulled up . She knew immediately that he was in his element . He was pruning the rosebushes , dirty - kneed , his hands callused from the clippers . There were tears in his eyes when he bent down to embrace his daughter . Then he squeezed Eden 's hand . " Two months with Lou and Kyle , huh ? " He smiled . " I can 't believe you 're doing this , Eden . But I think it 's good . And we 'll be fine here . " He looked down at Cassie , who was still clutching Eden 's hand . As she pulled out of Wayne 's long driveway , she allowed herself just one look back at her daughter . That was a mistake . Cassie stared after the car , her eyes wide and glassy with disbelief , and Eden felt a fresh pulse of guilt surface in her chest . The drive from Philadelphia to Washington was a blur , but then Virginia 's rolling wooded hills cradled the road and brought her back to the purpose of this trip . Maybe the film should open with an aerial view of these hills . Or , she thought now as she stepped from the forest onto the road , maybe the camera should slip through the woods during the opening credits , smoothly , silently , until it reached the mouth of the cave . Relax , she told herself . She would come up with hundreds of ideas for the opening of the film over the next few weeks . She didn 't need to make any decisions now . She got back into the car and drove carefully along the narrow road , hunting in the darkness for the turn that would take her through the forest to Lynch Hollow and the house of her childhood , the house where Kyle , Katherine 's brother , had retired after leaving New York . She had initially recoiled at Kyle 's suggestion that she spend the summer with him and Lou while she did her research . She had seen them as little as she could get away with since leaving home at the age of nineteen , and those visits were always strained and awkward . The thought of spending an entire summer with them overwhelmed her , but she felt as though she had no choice . Kyle knew more than anyone about Katherine . So for the next couple of months she would live in the house of her early childhood , awakening memories buried deep and wisely . She spotted the boulder marking the driveway to the house and the little carved wooden sign above it . Lynch Hollow . She turned onto the driveway and was surprised to see it was now macadam . The last time she 'd been on this driveway she 'd been eleven years old , riding in the back of a black car with her step - grandmother , Susanna . She remembered how her eyes burned as the orange dust from the driveway seeped through the car windows . Who was driving that car ? She couldn 't remember . A relative of Susanna 's , most likely . She 'd had no idea as they drove away from the small white house that day that she would not see it again for twenty - four years . " Just a ride , " Susanna had said . " We 're just going for a little ride . " That had struck Eden as odd . Spontaneity was not in Susanna 's nature , and Susanna was still coughing badly , her face pale from weeks in bed . The ride dragged on and on and Eden grew bored . When they pulled up in front of the square brick building that stood alone in a field , she was relieved that they had finally arrived someplace . It was another hour before she realized Susanna intended to leave her there , with the black - cloaked nuns and children she didn 't know . And it was days before she realized that Susanna meant to leave her there forever . The two years Eden lived at the orphanage did indeed seem like forever . But when she was thirteen Kyle and Lou tracked her down and took her home with them to New York City , where she spent the rest of her teenage years . Since then she had avoided New York as resolutely as she avoided Lynch Hollow . The little house looked different in the darkness . The woods surrounding it seemed thicker , the trees taller , bending to shelter the roof . The edges of the house were more sharply defined than in the fuzzy one - dimensional image in her memory . " Eden ! " Kyle stepped onto the porch , letting the screen door slam shut behind him . He walked across the yard and she worked at returning his smile . It had been a year and a half since she 'd last seen him , when he and Lou flew out to California at Christmas to fuss over Cassie . Inside the house everything had been transformed . Urbanized . The front door still opened awkwardly into the kitchen , but that room had been gutted and updated . Eden would never have recognized it . The counters and appliances were set low to accommodate Lou 's wheelchair , and a skylight was carved into the ceiling above the table . The choppy little hallway between the kitchen and the living room was gone , and the north wall of the living room was now entirely made of glass . " You 've done wonderful things with the house , " Eden said . She stood in the middle of the living room , hands on hips , and looked around her . " You 've brought New York to Lynch Hollow . " Lou wheeled toward her to hand her a glass of iced tea . " Kyle had to make a few concessions to get me to move down here , " she said . " I hope we haven 't ruined it for your research . " " No . " Eden leaned down to kiss her aunt 's cheek . " I love it . " She watched as Lou slipped easily from her wheelchair to the couch , making the fact that she had only one leg look inconsequential . Lou was close to seventy and beautiful , her skin dewy and smooth on her high cheekbones and across the sharp line of her jaw . Her eyes were blue , huge and heavy - lidded under expressive brows . She wore her hair , a dramatic blend of black and white , pulled back in a bun , a style that on another woman might be deadly , but that made Lou look aristocratic and proud . Wearing a black scoop - neck jersey and a long green skirt , she could pass as a retired ballerina , and it was true she had once loved to dance . Every Saturday night when Eden was a teenager , Kyle took Lou dancing . But thank God it had not been her profession . Eden remembered Kyle 's relief when , just weeks after losing her leg , Lou was back at the easel . Kyle set a chocolate cake down on the coffee table , one burning pink candle jutting from the icing . " Happy birthday , Eden . A few days late . " Lou shook her head . " I don 't do much baking anymore , dear . There 's a good bakery in Coolbrook . Go ahead . " She motioned toward the cake . " Make a wish . " Eden nodded . That was the most logical room for her to have . The first floor had only the master bedroom and one smaller bedroom which had originally belonged to her mother and Kyle , and later to her . The second story , added on shortly before Eden 's birth , held one large bedroom and a smaller room across the hall , where Katherine wrote when it was too cold in the cavern . After Katherine died no one used the upstairs . There were no boulders in front of the stairway , but Katherine 's room had become as sealed from the rest of the world as her cave . " Michael 's cleaned up his act , Kyle . He 's being very solicitous because he hopes to play Matthew Riley in the movie . But we 're really just friends , so you don 't need to worry . " Eden shrugged . " She 'll have a great time with Wayne and Pam and Pam 's kids . " She felt the tears threaten and took a long swallow of iced tea to stop them . Why do you have to go , Mommy ? " We saw Heart of Winter three times , Eden . " Kyle stood in the doorway of the kitchen , sipping his iced tea . " We 're real proud of you , honey . " Kyle was , how old now ? Sixty - four ? His neatly trimmed white and gray beard lent him dignity , but the laugh lines carved into the skin around his clear blue eyes were evidence of his good humor . He was wearing jeans and a blue plaid shirt , and he was lean without being gaunt . When he spoke , the remnants of his Shenandoah Valley accent still softened his words , although he 'd spent most of his adult life far from Lynch Hollow . He was still a handsome man , quite remarkably so for his age . She 'd noticed that for the first time just a few years ago . He 'd been in L . A . at an archaeology conference and wanted to take her out to dinner . Spending an evening alone with Kyle had been unthinkable , so Eden asked Nina to join them . At the restaurant Eden had barely gotten seated before Nina dragged her into the ladies ' room . Nina leaned toward the mirror to apply a fresh layer of mascara to her already thick lashes . " He 's old like Paul Newman 's old , like Sean Connery 's old . Know what I mean ? " She leaned back , blinked her lashes at her reflection . " So , is he married ? " " Arthritis , " he said . " Finally catching up to me . " The wheelchair had been a part of Lou 's countenance for a long time , but Eden hadn 't expected this change in Kyle . It sent a quick , unexpected sliver of fear through her . Conversation sagged as it always did between the three of them . Not once during the years she 'd lived with them as a teenager had a conversation between them taken flight . She knew it was her fault , as it was most likely her fault now . With most people she could keep up an easy superficial chatter from behind her Eden Riley mask . But she could only play herself with Kyle and Lou , and that was the one role for which she could never memorize the lines . Kyle suddenly set his tea on the coffee table and stood up . " I have something for you . " He left the room and reappeared a few minutes later with a thin gift - wrapped package about the size of a magazine . He put it on the table and took his seat again next to Lou , who edged closer to him . " Birthday present , " he said . There was reluctance in his voice , as if this was a gift he was not certain he wanted her to have . " What ? " She set her hand on the notebook . " She kept a journal ? " Kyle nodded . " I meant to give it to you long ago , but . . . " He shrugged . " Your mother was so misunderstood . I didn 't want you to misunderstand her too . " Kyle hesitated , his eyes on Lou 's hand where it rested on his wrist . " Matt knew . But he never read it . " He straightened his spine with a great sigh . " So . I 'll give them to you - there are more notebooks , about a dozen , and I know Kate wanted you to have them . But I plan to mete them out to you , one by one , because I don 't want you to skip ahead . She was a complex person , your mother . A complex woman . And if you don 't understand her at age thirteen " - he leaned forward and held up the notebook - " you 'll never understand her at thirty - one . " Eden sat back . Thirteen to thirty - one ! The journal would make her research a snap . She probably would not need the whole summer here after all . Still , she felt more trepidation than delight at the thought of reading her mother 's words about her life . There would be little room for interpretation , for bending the facts to fit her theme . And it was too close . She would have to read with a distanced eye . " You don 't need to worry , " she said . " I 've always felt she was misrepresented . I 'm tired of seeing her portrayed as cold and detached . " Kyle stood up and turned to face the wall of glass , hands in his pockets , shoulders tensed , and Eden wondered if she 'd said the wrong thing . " Kate wasn 't cold , " he said . " She chose isolation because it was safer for her . " He turned to face her . " I 'll help you in any way I can , Eden . But I don 't want any filming in the cavern . The cavern stays sealed up . " " That 's fine . " She had expected that , and in a way it relieved her . She was a little frightened of the cave . " We can find another cave or re - create that one . " Eden set her plate down on the table and stood up with a false weariness . She 'd lost three hours of the day flying east and she was not actually tired , but it would be a relief to be alone again . " Yes , I really am . I guess I 'll go to bed early . " " I 'll speak to my partner , Ben Alexander , about showing you the archaeological site tomorrow . " Kyle walked with her toward the stairs . " You should get a feel for it so you can understand why Kate was so fascinated by it . " Her mother 's room was spacious and welcoming with its old pine furniture and double bed . A blue wicker rocker faced the north window , a small pine desk sat in front of the south . She viewed it all with a practiced eye , picturing the way the room would look on the screen . She imagined Katherine rocking in the rocker , sitting at the desk . She began emptying her suitcase , setting the picture of Cassie on the dresser . Cassie was on a swing at the park , her brown hair flying straight out behind her . She wore her usual devilish grin . Eden looked around the room for a phone , but there was none . Good . It would make it easier to resist constant calls to Pennsylvania . She was not used to this , having no one to tuck in , no one badgering her for another story , a glass of water , an extra good - night kiss . She 'd never been this far from her daughter . Even when she had to travel to a film location , she 'd taken Cassie with her . The separation this summer was the product of the liberal visitation the judge had ordered for Wayne after the hideous court battle . She would never forgive Wayne for his attempt to disparage her as a mother . He and Pam could offer Cassie a normal life , he 'd told the judge . " My daughter 's been in the public eye since her conception , " he said truthfully . " I don 't want her to grow up thinking Hollywood is the real world . " Eden had brought one other picture with her . This photograph was unframed , dog - eared and yellowed . The woman in the picture knelt in a corner of a rectangular archaeological pit , smiling up at the photographer . She had beautiful straight white teeth . Her thick honey - colored hair , the same color as Eden 's , hung over her shoulder in a long braid . She wore khaki shorts , a white shirt open at the neck . She looked about twenty - five or - six . It was one of Eden 's few pictures of her mother , one she shared with the rest of the world since it was the publicity photo most often used on the dust jackets of Katherine 's children 's books . Eden propped the picture up against the lamp on her night table . She pulled a pendant from her makeup case and set it next to the picture . The pendant was an oval of white porcelain with a delicate lavender flower painted in the center . It had been her mother 's . Kyle had given it to Eden for her sixteenth birthday , but she had never felt comfortable wearing it . She wasn 't certain even now why she had brought it with her . She changed into her short white satin nightgown and got under the covers , looking over at the journal on the night - stand . The cover , probably once a dark green , was now nearly black with age . The book didn 't close flat because the edges of the pages were wavy , as though they 'd spent too many years in the damp . Eden opened the cover and saw her mother 's neat handwriting , blue ink on yellowed , lined paper . She closed the book again . No , not tonight . Not yet . The squeal of brakes and the sound of metal grating against metal woke her . Eden sat up in the darkness , heart pounding . It took her a minute to figure out where she was . Lynch Hollow . And it had only been a nightmare . The nightmare . It had been a long time since she 'd had it , but every detail was the same . The darkness , the sickening grating , crunching sound that went on forever . She 'd turn around in slow motion to see the white sedan and black station wagon fused together under the surreal glow of a streetlamp . At least this time she 'd awakened before the screaming began . God , Lou , I would give anything if I could change what happened . She turned on the night table lamp to chase the shadows from the room and sat in the rocker next to the window . She wouldn 't go back to bed until her head was clear of the dream . She rocked , and the motion soothed her . Her eyes rested on the old green notebook . I 'm in trouble again . Ma found the dictionary Mrs . Renfrew gave me and burned it . I saw her take it out in the yard and light a match to it . And when she finds me I 'll get the strap again for sure . My hand is shaking as I write this , so excuse the wobbly letters . I always get scared when I know a beating 's coming because I 'm never sure how far she 'll take it . I practically have callusses on my legs and backside from the razer strap , so I guess I should be used to it by now , but I can 't stop shaking . I 'll lie about the dictionary and tell her I found it so I don 't get Mrs . Renfrew in trouble . I didn 't think Mrs . Renfrew liked me , but besides the dictionary she gave me this notebook . She said I should write in it like a diary , only not just what happens each day , but what I think about what happens too . I laughed when she said that because I 'd get in worst trouble than usual if she knew what I was thinking . She must of read my mind , because she said , " Kate , this journal is only for your eyes . You don 't have to show it to me or anyone else . " That stopped my laughing and gave me a good feeling , like I have a secret friend I can tell anything to . I have to hide this book good though , because if Ma ever found it she 'd kill me and Mrs . Renfrew , too . I might let Kyle read it though , specially as he suggested where to hide it . ( Under the loose floorboards beneath my bed . ) Ma don 't hold with writing or reading . When she watches us write , she says it looks like devil scratch and when Kyle read out loud from the bible the other night , she says he must have it memorized , that no boy of fourteen could read that good . Daddy has some books hid for us in the spring house so Ma don 't know about them . He pulls them out sometimes and lets us read instead of doing chores . Then he does the chores hisself so Ma don 't know . He has done this since we was little , so Kyle and me read better than anybody round here . Kyle says since Mrs . Renfrew is so nice to me I should stop doing the things I do in class that upset her , like pretending to pick imaginary bugs out of the air while she 's trying to teach or playing like I got out of control hickups . I told Kyle I can 't help it . It 's like something comes over me and the things just happen . Maybe Ma 's right that I got the devil inside me . I wish one of her beatings would knock it out of me once and for all . Kyle is sitting next to me as I write this , helping me spell . We are sitting on a wide branch of a giant old elm tree in our yard . From here we can see the house and a little ways into the woods , but nobody can see us . Kyle says I should write about how crazy Mama is . We didn 't know Mama was crazy til a few years ago when we heard the other children at school talking about her , saying things I guess they heard their Mamas say , like maybe she should be put away . She should be locked up , they said . Til then I thought all mothers talked to people who wasn 't there and washed the sheets every day and the same clothes she washed out the day before . Once she got me out of my bed in the middle of the night to change my sheets though she done it already just that morning . Mama is also afeard of indians and until Kyle convinced me that there wasn 't any indians around here I was afeard myself . Some nights I wake up and hear the rocker going real slow on the porch . It creaks forward , then stops , creaks backward , then stops . I know if I tiptoe to my window , I 'll see Mama in the rocker , her mouth part open like she 's about to pray , her eyes wide and staring off , and acrost her chest the shotgun . She stays up like that all night sometime , watching for indians . Mama cooks us dinner when she remembers but most often Kyle or I cook . Daddy gets angry if there ain 't nothing to eat when he comes home from the mill and even though Daddy won 't hit , his anger is worst than Mama 's . Kyle says that 's because it 's real anger , not crazy anger . All I know is , when I 'm in the back room where Kyle and me sleep and I hear the floorboards creak outside the door , my heart beats so hard it hurts and I hold my breath , waiting for Daddy to throw the door open and holler or Ma to race in with the strap . Last year Mrs . Renfrew had us write about a person we loved and most everybody wrote about their mother or father . Kyle and me wrote about each other . I said how when we was little he held my hand when I was learning to walk . ( Mrs . Renfrew said that is unlikley - he was not even a year older than me and could barely walk hisself , but I remember this clearly . ) I wrote he was a calm person and nice and he wrote I was fun but did things before I thought about what might come from them . Mrs . Renfrew said sometimes it 's hard to believe we 're from the same family . We live out farther than most of the other children at school so Kyle and I mostly just stick with each other . That 's fine with me since I don 't like our classmates . I tell Kyle it 's because they 're stupid , but really I don 't know what to say to them . Seems like when I finally say something , they just look at me like I 'm as crazy as Mama . They like Kyle , though , and sometimes after chores he goes off with one of them , fishing or whatever . This is happening more and more lately and he always asks me to come along , but I don 't want to . I just go home and sit in the tree , waiting for him . But once he gets there I pretend like I hardly notice he 's come . We was in the kitchen eating the chicken I fried for dinner when Mama said as soon as dinner was over I would get my due . That 's when Kyle said it was his , that he left it on my bed the day before . Kyle 's eyes was hooked fast on Mama 's face , his jaw was stiff like the day he told me Francie , our dog , died . I couldn 't talk . The chicken felt catched in my chest . Mama pushed her chair out with an awful scraping sound . Then she stood up and went to the pantry where she hangs the razer strap . Kyle looked right scared sitting there . Kyle 's hands was shaking as he undone his pants and lowered them to his knees . Mama pushed on his back til his elbows set on the table and his white backside stuck out and I hated her for embarussing him that way . I stood up and grabbed her hands . She pushed me away and hit Kyle with the strap . His body jerked and I could already see the red squares on the back of his legs from the strap . I ran at her again , trying to pull the strap out of her hands but she took ahold of my shoulder and pushed me and I fell into the corner . I looked at Mama 's eyes and they was hot and firey , like a crazy dragon 's eyes . He was right . I was making it worst for him , so I ran outside and knelt in the garden with my hands over my ears . But I could still hear the strap and I counted to eleven before I vomited up the chicken . And she was still hitting him and he was screaming . I wanted her to die , just to drop dead right there in the kitchen . I hate her so much . After Ma and Daddy was in bed , I fetched some aspirin for Kyle . He was lying on his stomach and though he was in bed since supper I knew he hadn 't slept a wink . I knelt next to him while he arched his back to drink the water . It was cool in our room , but he was covered only by his sheet because he said the blanket hurt too much . I sat on the floor watching his face in the moonlight coming through the window . He looks like me , only people say he 's handsome and they don 't say much about me , cept for how beautiful my hair is . Our hair is the same color , like wheat , and its real thick . But mine is very , very long , way past my waist . Mama trims just a little off it each time the moon is full to make it grow faster . People touch it sometimes like they can 't help themselves , but they never say much about my face . Kyle and I both have blue eyes and too many freckles that look better on a boy than a girl , and we both have real long eyelashes . I sat there on the floor of our room , staring at Kyle 's eyelashes while he fell asleep . They was wet and clumped together into four or five little points that made me cry . I stayed there next to him , my bead resting against the edge of his mattress til I saw the first little glimpse of dawn out the window , and I knew I better get back in my own bed before Mama come for the sheets . Today Mrs . Renfrew read one of my stories out loud and then she said , in front of everybody , that I was one of the most intellagent students and the best writer she ever taught . Everybody stared at me and my face got hot enough to set my hair aflame . At recess , Sara Jane called me teacher 's pet and everyone started saying it til they got tired and went off without me , the boys to throw the ball around , the girls in their little circle to talk about whatever it is they talk about . I took one of the books Mrs . Renfrew keeps in the classroom and sat on the step , reading . This is the way it is every recess . After school , I ran home , not wanting to hear them call me teacher 's pet again . I clumb into the tree , where I 'm writing this right now , waiting for Kyle to come home . He took his fishing pole today , though , so he 's probly at the river with Getch . Today Mrs . Renfrew talked to me after school to tell me she 's not coming back next year . ( There is a rumer she 's having a baby . ) She said we 'll have a new teacher , Miss Crisp , and that Miss Crisp will not put up with me . " She will not tolerate your antics as I do , Katherine , " she said . She told me I don 't need to get in trouble to get the attention of other students , that I could get it in good ways , by writing my stories , by being a good student . I wanted to tell her she 's too old to understand . I wanted to say that when she reads one of my stories to the class or says something nice about me , they hate me more . I hope the new teacher won 't think I 'm so good and will punish me when I 'm evil . Mrs . Renfrew gave me another book , this one on grammar and punctuation . I thanked her and then took a deep breath and told her I lost the dictionary . She looked at me funny but didn 't say anything , just got up and handed me her very own dictionary , the big one from her bookshelf . It has her name , Madeline Renfrew , written on the inside cover . I promised her that nothing would happen to this one . All the way home I worried that I couldn 't fit both books plus my journal beneath the floorboards , but sure enough , they fit perfectly , like that space was just waiting for them to come fill it . It is hard to describe how I feel tonight . I am writing this by lantern light in a cavern I found this afternoon . No one knows where I am , not even Kyle , and I 'm afeard to go home . Home is more scary to me than whatever might be hiding in this cave . I woke up early this morning with a strange ticklish warm feeling between my legs and when I touched down there my fingers come up covered with blood ! I jumped out of bed and saw a round red stain on my sheet that had gone clear through to the mattress . A large red stain was acrost the back of my nightdress . I thought I was dying , that maybe I had a tumor . I shook Kyle to wake him up and told him about the blood and showed him the stain on my nightdress and by then I was crying . I always thought that if I died , I died . But suddenly I thought about the dark nothingness of death and I was terrified . Kyle set me down and told me I wasn 't dying . He said he knew what was happening to me and that it was normal . I still have trouble believing this as I sit here with blood soaking into the rag down there . I sure hope he 's right . He said I am ministrating ( I 'm not sure of that word . He wasn 't either and I can 't find it in my dictionary ) . He said it happens to every girl once a month ( ! ) so 's she can have babies . He knows this from talking to Getch , who has three older sisters . I am sposed to wear a rag down there for a few days til the bleeding stops . Kyle said he thought I knew about this and I said how would I know ? Mama would never talk to me about such a thing and I have no friends . He 's been saying this a lot lately and I wish he would quit and we could go back to the way things were before he started getting popular . I don 't want to be bleeding ! I don 't want no babies . And every month ! This is a life sentence as unjust as I 've ever heard . As Kyle was talking to me about friends , Mama come in our room for the sheets . We buttoned our lips and when she saw my sheet she let out a scream like she was bit by a snake . She quick pulled the sheet off the mattress and run out the door and we watched her from the window , running off the porch with the sheet bundled up against her chest . She carried it into the yard , set it in a crumpled heap near the tiger lilies and lit a match to it . " I need a rag , " I said . Blood was trickling down the inside of my leg and two small red circles of it was on the floorboards where I stood . Kyle stopped what he was doing and looked at the floor . I started to cry again but he was ripping up one of his old shirts , pressing the pieces of cloth into my hands . I folded the cloth between my legs and leaned my hand on Kyle 's shoulder as I stepped into one leg of my drawers , then the other . I pulled my nightdress over my head without thinking that it 's been a long time since Kyle has seen me undressed , that my body has changed , the changes so slow that I had to look down at my own chest to see what he was staring at . He blushed and I come near to laughing at his embarrassment but I knew I had no time to waste laughing . Mama bust in the room again afore I could get out but she didn 't seem to notice me and Kyle was even there . She caught ahold of one corner of the mattress and drug it off the bed and out of the room . We heard it thumping down the porch steps and when I looked out the window she was dragging it out in the yard , with the round bloodstain already darkening in the sun . Daddy ran out of the house and grabbed ahold of her hands when she tried to set a match to the mattress . I was shamed that Daddy would know what was happening in my body . He took the matches from Mama and went back into the house while Mama sat on the ground and cried into her hands . By this time Kyle was helping me climb out the window . " I 'll meet you at the mill , " he said . ( Kyle and I are working at the mill this summer . ) I walked into the forest , looking for a path that would not hurt my bare feet because I left so fast I forgot my shoes ! I knew I could not go to the mill today , not bleeding like this and in bare feet . I was in a part of the woods I knew well ( the place where the woods drop down to the field by Ferry Creek ) , so I was surprised when I come acrost the cavern . All my life it 's been here and I just now found it . I saw a squirrel disappear back of some bushes and when I got closer I saw that the bushes blocked the entrance to a cave . I pulled out one of the bushes with my bare hands and there it was , a hole stuck in the side of the hill . I walked inside as far as the sunshine would let me see and the air was wonderfully cool . I called " Hello ! " and the sound echoed all around the walls . After a bit , I went back home . Ma was gone , and Daddy and Kyle was at the mill so I took my time picking fruit from the bowl , from underneath so Ma wouldn 't likely realize it was missing . I got my shoes and a lantern , the dictionary and grammar book and this journal and came back to the cave . My cave . When I first looked around the cave with my lantern , I felt rich . It is like the caverns the tourists visit at Luray though much littler . The first part is long and narrow with a pitched floor that takes you down to the main part , which is one enormous great room . I can see a little tunnel shooting off the back . This great rooms got reddish colored rocks coming out of the ceiling and floor . I know they are called stalactites and stalagmites because I learnt that when I been to Luray . In some places the ceiling is real high and the stalactites that come from it is broad and the stalagmites that climb towards them just as great . In some places the stalactites and stalagmites ( writing them words makes my hand tired ) meet and make walls that look like fancy velvet curtains and there is also a pool that reflects about a million baby stalactites from the ceiling above it and the water is so still that I couldn 't at first tell if it was a reflection or a million little stalagmites coming out of the ground . I don 't think I ever seen a more beautiful place than this cavern . Some folks think of paradise as green and full of growing things , but today I found my own Garden of Eden . I made two more trips back to the house and now I have here my mattress , turned over so the stain don 't show and some candles , which I set all round the cave on rocky ledges . I also brung a blanket and some rags from the rag bag for my female problem . Kyle didn 't say how long this ministrating will last . I wisht I understood it better . What part of me is bleeding ? And what has the blood to do with babies ? I could believe as easy some spirit has taken ahold of me as I can believe what Kyle 's telling me . I 'm going to spend the night here in my garden , though I wish now I left a note for Kyle . He 'll be worried since I didn 't show up at the mill neither . I am a coward , afeard of going to my own home . The strap scares me worst than ever . I 'm going to turn out the lantern now and lie here in the darkness . I 'm not scared here . Nothing in my garden can hurt me . " No you don 't , " he said . He looked excited . " Mama said yesterday you 're a woman now , you 're too growed for her to whip . " I showed up for breakfast like nothing was different . I was so scared I couldn 't touch my eggs or grits and no one said a word til after Daddy left for the mill . Then Ma stood up and begun clearing the table and finally she spoke . Kyle smiled at me , but then I saw his eyes get big , his lips go flat . He leaned back in his chair and hollered , " Ma , no ! " Before I could turn to look , Ma took ahold of my hair and snapped my head back and then I heard the sound of the scissors as she worked them right close to my scalp and in seconds my hair lay in a thick shiny yellow pile on the floor . Ma set the scissors on the table , calm as you please , and walked out of the room . For a minute I stared at the hair on the floor and felt tears trying to push out my eyes . Then all of a sudden , I didn 't care . I looked at the hair and didn 't feel a thing . I touched the spikey , hacked off ends of my hair close to my scalp and felt nothing at all . Kyle jumped from his chair and grabbed up the hair from the floor . He held it to my head as though he could attach it back on some how . " Leave it be , " I said . " I want to show you something . A place I found . " " But , Kate , your hair . " Kyle looked upset I wasn 't crying or mad like he thought I ought to be . Before we reached the cavern I made him swear he would never tell nobody what I was about to show him . I pulled aside the brush I set against the entrance and led him inside and when I lit the lantern he let out his breath in a long whistle . I could see he was amazed and I felt proud . I spent the rest of the day turning the cavern into my hide - a - way . The Smiths ' house has been deserted since last year when they left for West Virginia , so I took a chair and a table from there and drug them back here . I found more candles there too and a lap desk filled with pencils and paper . There 's a long rock above the reflecting pool - sort of a ledge that makes a perfect bookshelf for my dictionary and grammar book . Now they can stand upright like they is sposed to be . High above the place where I lay my mattress there is a deep hole in the wall and this is where I 'll keep my journal . First published 1991 by Harper Collins . This edition published 2014 by Pan Books , an imprint of Pan Macmillan , a division of Macmillan Publishers Limited . Pan Macmillan , 20 New Wharf Road , London N1 9RR , Basingstoke and Oxford . Associated companies throughout the world : http : / / www . panmacmillan . com