My brother ( # 2 with the cray - cray ex ) called me last evening to see how I was doing . I was kind of surprised but pleased , because I didn 't expect it from him . My father has been checking on me by phone , too . I did okay last night , though I stayed up late again . I didn 't have any snake nightmares that I remember , but I was so damn exhausted when I turned off the lights and TV that I probably didn 't have the energy to dream . I was up on time to feed the dogs this morning and take them out . No sign of the snake , but I didn 't hang around looking for it either ! After that , I went back to bed , hoping that I could waste some hours by sleeping . I dozed on and off for a couple of hours , but Butthead decided I needed to get my ass out of bed ( bark bark bark bark bark bark ) , so I gave up . Today was the slowest and least active day of the four . I didn 't cook anything or bake anything or clean anything . I ate soup for lunch and leftover takeout food for dinner . And I had gelato as a snack this afternoon because I wanted it . The snake repellent showed up via Amazon one day delivery . I immediately took it out and sprinkled the smelly crap all over the garden and bushes up against the house . I think the smell kind of freaked out Butthead , but that doesn 't take much . I have no clue if it 'll work , but I guess it makes me feel slightly better to try doing something . I went to visit my father ( which I 've done every day over these past four days ) and spent a little time chatting with him . I talked to Hub a few times , but he 's been busy site - seeing and hanging out with his father and sister . Soon he 'll be on the plane heading home … and I couldn 't be happier . I hope the flight is swift and easy and he can rest as he wings his way home . Took the dogs out at 10pm and saw no snakes . That was good news . Of course , I let them pee and hurried them back into the house . When Hub is home , he allows Le Moo to lounge on the patio for a while at 10ish , but I wasn 't letting her get away with that . Especially with the potential for snake - lurking . I 've got half a book to read , so once it 's done I 'll turn out the lights and try to sleep for a couple of hours . I have my alarm set to get up in the morning and to call my father to wake him . He 'll drive to the airport with me to pick up Hub , since I don 't like to drive the interstate to get to the airport . I mean , I could do it , but I don 't like to and my father likes to help when he can . Thanks for sticking with me , ya 'll . I really blogged this week so I can remind myself that I was able to do this if I ever have to look back . But honestly , it did help to know you all were rooting for me , too ! Last night could have been worse , I guess . I stayed up later than usual - about 1am - but by then I was so tired from being up at 3am and on the going mostly since then that I was able to doze off for a couple of hours at 1 . Then I slept fitfully after that , waking up just before my alarm time to feed the dogs . I hit snooze and laid in bed a bit longer … until Butthead woke up and went over to Hub 's side of the bed and began poking at the comforter . I had to try to explain to her that he wasn 't there ( did she think he snuck in overnight sometime and she didn 't notice ? ? ) , but she didn 't seem convinced . It took me a few minutes to get her to follow me downstairs so I could feed her and Le Moo breakfast . After their breakfast and a trip outside , I went back upstairs to bed and dozed for another hour or so . Today I pretty much distracted myself by chopping and sauteeing a ton of mushrooms to add to my soup when I nuke it for lunch . Then I ate lunch and read a book . I found a Gidget marathon on television , which I pretty much left on all day and only turned off about ten minutes ago and only because it ENDED . At some point after lunch I tried to make my ( in ) famous peanut butter cookies for the brother who installed my floodlight cam , but I used low fat peanut butter ( at his request ) instead of regular peanut butter and the cookies came out flat . I have no idea what the issue was , but my brother said they still tasted good , they were just flat instead of puffy . When I took the bags of cookies over to my father 's house for my brother , I stayed for a while to talk about some stuff with Dad . Then we took pictures of some junk he wanted to try to sell on Craigslist ( I hate CL ) and I came home and listed them . Then I sent some curse - filled email responses to some spammers who responded almost immediately to one of the listings . So that was fun . Then I read another book and half - watched / half - listened to more episodes of Gidget until it was time for dinner . Fed the dogs , outed the dogs , cleaned up after the dogs ' outing , then made myself some dinner . Half leftovers , half food I cooked myself . While I was eating , my brother sent me a text with a picture of a teeny tiny baby deer that was curled up next to his house . He spotted it while he was mowing and was concerned it was injured . By the time Dad and Brother went inside to find a phone number for animal control and then returned outside , the little booger had disappeared . I suspect it was hiding there in the " tall " grass waiting until the riding mower stopped and the stupid people disappeared . We have a pretty big herd of deer living in our back property , so I assume this little baby got separated and was waiting for mama to return for it . At this point , I 'm tucked in upstairs after taking the dogs out a couple of more times during the evening . The hall lights are on , the bedroom door is locked , the dogs have finally settled in . I 'm pretty sure both dogs are confused as to where Hub is , but no matter how much I explain they just give me the same look . Right now I 'm tired and in some pain from all the extra activity , but I 'm managing . I 've heard from Hub a couple of times today . He didn 't sleep well last night - he never does away from home - and his schedule today with his father seemed … odd . They " ran errands " and did a little bit of touristy site - seeing of some beaches . His father was SO hyped to have Hub out there to visit , but they don 't seem to be doing much . And Hub is counting the days to getting back home more than I am . Tomorrow evening is the wedding , so they won 't be doing much else other than that . I 've got another book here with me and I 've got the nightly news on TV . I might rent or catch a movie on TV after the news until I 'm too tired to stay awake anymore . Last night I caught the tail end / hour of YaYa Sisiterhood because I couldn 't find anything else . Tonight … well who knows ? Tomorrow I go to see my massage therapist in the morning , but I 'm getting a RELAXING massage instead of trigger point . Something to look forward to . We dropped Hub off this morning at 4 : 15am for his flight . After I got home and let the dogs out , I instant messaged with Hub until he boarded the plane at 5 : 45 . By then I 'd already fed the dogs and gotten back into bed . I dozed for a few hours , then got up and went about my day . For the most part I felt like Hub was at work and I allowed myself to just be that way . I 've almost read two books and I pretty much had movies on the TV all day , although mostly they were movies I 'd already seen . I had Mama Mia ! on the TV maybe three times at random points through the movie , because I like singing those songs and they passed the time more easily . Hairspray was on at least once , too . I 've done okay for most of the day . Unfortunately , around 9 : 30pm tonight , Butthead freaked out and had her tail tucked under and was barking hysterically while backing her way into the bedroom where I was reading and watching TV . I went out into the hallway and checked all the rooms up here ( she refused to follow me and instead ran down the stairs ) , but I have no idea what her major malfunction was . I took them out in the darkness , but luckily it was a little rainy , so both dogs ran out and peed and ran right back to the door to go in . So we kind of settled into the bedroom at that point and after some treats and wandering around , they both have settled in . I suspect they are also exhausted from starting their day at 3am . I 've talked to Hub twice on the phone and a few more times on instant messenger . He seems to be okay but the last we talked about an hour ago , he was sounding just exhausted . I hope he 's going to sack out soon , even though it 's pretty early in the evening out there . He said he kept moving his legs around on the plane , even though first class wasn 't as roomy as he 'd hoped , and that he felt okay when he deboarded . Is that a word ? Deboarded ? What else do they call it ? Anyway , he says he felt okay and when I talked to him later he said he was feeling okay just tired from the long day . I was happy to hear from my SIL by phone ( I couldn 't figure out the damn facetime thing through FB 's messenger ) after she opened my gift to her for her wedding . I crocheted her a blanket that turned out to be about queen size ( the pic below is spread out on a king size guest bed ) in these amazing colors that made me think of her . Hub 's father said she has walls in her house painted in yellow and orange , so I found this awesome yarn and went to town . Took me several months ( and a lot of pain ) to get the blanket done , but apparently she loved it a lot . Made me feel like the work was worth it . I saw my father earlier when I took the dogs out this afternoon and he reminded me that I could stay at his house overnight or whatever . I said I was going to try to stay home , but if I had any issue I would just hike over there with the dogs and stay there . Around 8 : 30pm tonight he called to see how I was doing and how my day had gone . Then he reminded me that if I had any trouble I should just let myself into his house no matter what time it was . Then he gave me his late - night schedule so I would know how late he would be awake , but then he told me again to just come over whenever I need to . I 'm not sure if I 'll be able to sleep tonight or not . I still have some reading left in my second book of the day and a youtube video to watch for a channel I subscribe to . I dunno … I 'm locked in the bedroom with the dogs and I 'm sure I 'm safe ( even though I 'm kind of worried that I locked the bedroom door and if someone needs to get in here to rescue me for some reason the locked door will be an issue ) , but it 's still weird . I kind of hope I 'll be tired enough to fall asleep at some point . I had my regular soup for lunch and leftover takeout for dinner , so eating wasn 't a major issue today . I have more takeout again for tomorrow night 's dinner if I want it , and I ( pressure ) cooked up a fresh pot of my lunch - soup this morning so I have enough for the rest of the week . It 's boring , but I eat soup most days of the week for lunch because it means I don 't have to think about it . I dump it in a bowl , add some sauteed mushrooms , and nuke it … easy - peasy no thinking . Also , the soup is bean soup , so it 's pretty healthy … protein and fiber and veggies and carbs , all - in - one . I wasn 't sure what to do this year about mother 's day . Last year I sent Hub off to his mother 's house without me , and I spent part of the day with my brother and his then wife ( now ex - wife ) . I talked with T about this on Friday , because I feel some guilt about not going to my mother - in - law 's to be with her , but I just am not ready yet this year . I know she understands - as does Hub - but I am at heart a people - pleaser , and so the guilt sat heavy with me . In the end , though , I couldn 't make myself go . My father had mentioned to me Friday evening that he was going to go to the cemetery to visit my mother 's grave and he asked if I wanted to go . I didn 't answer him at that point , but Sunday morning when I saw him , he brought it up again . He said he knew it made me feel " uncomfortable " , but he wanted to make the offer for me to join him . I tried to be gentle in responding when I said to him , " I don 't feel uncomfortable about going , but the truth is , I don 't feel a connection to Mom there . I don 't feel it to Nana and Papa , either … it doesn 't work that way for me . " ( my grandparents are buried in the plots next to my mother ) . For real , I feel more of a connection to my mother in her " den " closet , where she had a bunch of books stashed on a bookshelf … gardening , trees , cookbooks … I stumbled on them at one point and ended up crying . Because that 's my mother . The cemetery is just a marker for her physical body 's last resting place , but it has no history for me with her . My father only said OK and that he was okay to go alone , which I had to trust was true . Somewhere around ten a . m . , I texted my brother ( the one with the ex - wife ) to see what he was doing that afternoon . He said " nothing " , so I asked if he wanted to do something . What I really wanted to do was go back to the nursery where Mom and I used to go all the time , and where he and I went after she died . I also offered up the opportunity for him to come to my house to help me bake peanut butter cookies , which he ( and my other brother ) scarf up as fast as I can make them . His response was a preference to go to the garden center , so in some corner of my mind I knew it was the right thing to do . Even Hub said as much when I told him my plans for the afternoon while he was with his mother … he said my mom would be happy to know I was spending time there with my brother . So after lunch , my brother and I set out for the nursery , which is about 20 minutes away . We talked a lot in the car about how he 's been doing with his depression and his medication , as well as some other health issues he 's dealing with . But once at the nursery , we talked about plants . We walked around the big place for about two hours - which leaves me exhausted and in pain today unfortunately - just chattering and touching plants and gagging over the high prices . We bought absolutely nothing , but it was worth the time and energy and pain , because it felt right . This brother and I , we have always been the closest of the siblings - with the exception of his married life where he withdrew from the whole family … and even then I tried to stay in touch with him as much as it was possible - so this connection felt good to renew . I know he 's struggling with his depression and his newly single life and his desire for a partner and … well , lots of stuff . And part of today was to remind him that he 's not alone . Doing that for my mom and for him made the day work for me . I miss my mother so terribly . Every day . I feel like my identity without her has been lost . I don 't know how to get it back … yet . I 'm still searching , and maybe someday I 'll find my purpose again . I described ( to T and a friend ) the run - up to mother 's day as " being poked with a cattle prod when you 're already on fire " … and it 's true . That 's so much how I felt with all the television commercials and the holiday displays in all the stores and the radio commercials and facebook and instagram and on and on . I worry that it will always feel this way , this painful , this sad , this lost . Living without my mom has changed my life and changed me at my core . I don 't know how to adjust to that , or that adjustment is even possible . Somehow , I have to find a way forward . Last night I watched Bad Moms on television while Hub was still at his mother 's . There 's a point in the movie where Mila Kunis is talking to her movie daughter and she basically says , " I know you can make it through this because I 'm your mother and I know what you 're made of . " It was such a dumb , funny , stupid , crazy movie , but that scene and those words ( which I can 't remember exactly ) really hit me hard . I know my mother believed in me and believed in my strength and my ability to persist . I hope I can find a way to continue to make her proud in that aspect as I try to find my way . As a minor update , I finished all my bactrim pills successfully . I don 't know how much I feel better , but so far it seems the smell is gone , so I take that as success . I wasn 't too much more itchy the last day and half , so that was good . My stomach isn 't entirely back to normal yet , but I know the bactrim stays in your system for several days following the last pill . So hopefully another couple of days and my stomach will be better . So I 've taken six pills so far for what my doctor diagnosed as a sinus infection . I wanted to make note of what has been happening with the bactrim , at least for my future reference . Here 's what my historical experience prepared me for : I 'm definitely getting a lot of heartburn / acid reflux . My appetite is nil and the nausea is there for sure . My stomach hurts almost all the time , but that could also be from the acid reflux / heartburn . What is also a bit distressing is that last night before dinner ( after the 4th pill at 9 : 30am that morning ) , I had a really bad hot flush on my face and ear , and I had anxiety . I 'm not sure if the anxiety came from the hot flush or from the ABs . So I took another pill this morning at about the same time as yesterday … and tonight the hot flush started again before dinner . I didn 't even wait this time , I just got a cold pack and put it on my face until I was pretty well frozen . I didn 't get the anxiety , but I also stopped the hot flush early on , so maybe I stopped the anxiety before it started . Last night we invited my father over for dinner since my brother ( the one that lives with him ) is out of town for several days . Then tonight we went out for burgers with him and my other brother . Tomorrow Dad 's going to the grocery store with us in the morning , basically because he 's tired of being stuck in the house alone . He and I talked about how hard it is to be alone in the house all the time ( while his house - mate is out of town ) , and I told him how concerned I am about being alone when Hub goes away . I told him I might end up sleeping there at night and he said if I did then they would be able to help me with the dogs in the early morning hours . I said I 'd let him know . I 've been going out for walks every day and when I get to his house , I call him to tell him to send his dog into the yard with us … sometimes he comes out to chat at that point . It 's hard because I used to do this to go hang out with Mom … and it 's not as easy to find things to talk about with Dad all the time . But I 'm trying t keep up with the walking outside , so if he wants to chat with me he 'll have the opportunity . I got my eyes checked - for the first time in at least six years - only to find that my prescription has barely changed . In fact , the doctor wanted to roll back my prescription a smidge but I declined . I just picked up my new glasses about an hour ago and when I put them on , I felt weird . I think we ended up a tiny bit stronger , but the technician said it could also be the upgraded coating on the lenses that made me feel funky . I 'll have to ease into the new glasses , which is fine because I still have an old pair to use in the meantime . The new glasses have half - frames , so they should be lighter on my face . The second pair of " new " glasses I got are actually one of my old frames with new lenses . I would say it was cheaper to do it that way , but honestly by the time I picked the first set of new frames , I was so freaking tired of looking at frames that I just told her to put new lenses in my old frames . They were in fine condition and they were going to be my back - up pair anyway . Everyone I worked with at the optometrist kept repeating that I had single vision lenses ( instead of bi - focals ) and they all sounded surprised . Kind of annoying , but honestly the major reason I didn 't go back to get my eyes checked in the last six years is because at 39 years old , the optometrist told me at 40 I 'd be needing bi - focals ( because that 's " the age " ) and I didn 't want bi - focals so I didn 't go back . And here I am , six years later , still no bi - focals . So poo on all of you . Meanwhile , I also hate getting my eyes dilated , but this optometrist had some new - fangled technology that let them take pictures of my eyes and I was able to put off dilation again . Monday we took Le Moo for her annual " senior " check - up at the vet . We took Butthead , too , because we 'd noticed her front two bottom teeth were disappearing . The vet assured me that it wasn 't likely to be the case when we talked in email , but we brought her anyway to make sure . Le Moo is healthy and has lost about 10 % of her weight . She went from 94 pounds to 86 pounds , which we are doing on purpose because as she ages she seems to be more prone to limping after running or playing . She 's a big girl and we 've always had trouble getting her to lose weight , so we gave up and she pretty much maintained a steady weight for all the years we had her . Then we saw the limping issue and we started getting really strict and we 've noticed it paying off . We 'll keep up with it and try to keep her from injury . The vet looked at Butthead 's teeth and said they aren 't disappearing , the gum is growing up over them . Nothing to do unless it bothers her and so far she hasn 't complained . Unfortunately , the vet is 90 minutes away , so it kind of takes up several hours just going , doing the appointment , and coming home . So Hub 's MLK day off was pretty well used it by that . I 'm glad Le Moo is doing well … she 's somewhere around eight years old , which is getting up there in big dog years . And ya 'll know I worry . We 're going to have to get her back to the vet to get her teeth cleaned ( she 's got bad teeth , yo ) , so we 'll be making that trip again in the next month or so . Yay . So Tuesday was my six month check - up with the gyn onc surgeon . Because of Hub 's status with his company ( they got bought out and are in transition ) , I didn 't want him to have to take a day off to accompany me to an appointment that would likely last less than 15 minutes . So I sent him on his way to work and girded myself for the hour ride to the onc 's office . Under normal circumstances , I would have been nervous but okay to make the trip on my own . I made the appointment for after rush hour and I plotted my route to go on the mostly un - used toll road to avoid further traffic . But … it rained . I knew it was predicted to be " light showers " so I told Hub I 'd be fine on my own . When I got on the road it was lightly showering . Ten minutes in , before I even reached the toll road , it was pouring . And I was sweating bullets , hands clutched on the steering wheel , talking myself into being OK . I don 't like driving in the rain and I hate driving on wet roads . I have been in a full 360 degree skid behind the wheel before and it 's not fun , so I try to avoid driving in weather . In addition , the toll road is 60mph , and the highway that I was supposed to be getting on at the other end is 60mph , with lots of traffic . So when I rolled onto the toll road , I basically planted myself three or four car lengths behind a dump truck and kept speed as comfortably as I could . Halfway along the toll road , the dump truck changed lanes and sped off . WTF . But I stayed steady and with the few cars on the road flying around me , I made it along the toll road . At the other end , I decided to exit early onto a main road that cuts through the city that I knew would have lots of traffic lights and lots of cars , but also slower moving . And I splashed my way along for half an hour until I got to my destination . It was a good thing I left early , and I made it with ten minutes to spare at the doctor 's office . The doctor was " only " 45 minutes late ( we 've actually waited for 2 hours for prior appointments ! ) , he spent less than 10 minLuckily for the trip home it had stopped raining but the roads were all wet . Even so , I made my way along the major highway back to the toll road , and then meandered along the toll road toward my exit . Unfortunately again , the exit ramp I have to take from the toll road to the highway home is a HUGE flyover , which I don 't even like to drive on DRY pavement . Instead I took the exit for the opposite direction which is a normal exit and I turned around at the first traffic light . And I headed home on more regularly traveled roads , which meant I was more comfortable even though the streets were still wet . In March I will go for my mammogram . It 's still hard for me to go to these appointments and to know when I get home that I don 't have my mother to talk to about what happened . I thought it would get easier , but so far it hasn 't . Tomorrow I go for a " consultation " to get my hair did . The salon I selected ( different from the one I used last year … partly because the stylist never answered my queries and now because I find out this new salon has more " organic " hair dye ) wants me to come in to meet the stylist and to let the stylist see my hair and confirm what I want done . If all is well , I go in early on Saturday to get all the colors . ALL THE COLORS . When I was younger I used to box dye my hair all the time , mostly variations on reds because I didn 't like my plain brown hair . At some point I became too ill physically to dye my hair so I stopped . Then I did it a few more times when I was feeling better , but it was a pain in the ass and everything got all stained ( including ME ) and I didn 't really love the results , so I stopped again . One year I went and got my hair all chopped off and then I had the salon dye my hair but … well , I wasn 't really keen on how it looked and it seemed like the color washed out pretty quickly and I didn 't want to waste my money . Only last year did I decide to get something done again and I wanted it to be a little funky to make my mother smile . I got a combo of auburn and violet done , but Mom never noticed and the final look wasn 't as pronounced as I had hoped . Over the past year I haven 't bothered to do anything except let my hair grow out . But after my breast MRI and my colonoscopy and my eye exam , and now my onc follow - up , I knew I wanted to do something fun to celebrate the positive news I 've been getting . I 've been stalking Instagram ( which I don 't use ) for different pictures of what I wanted and I am vacillating between something oil - slick color looking and something more jewel - toned , but there 's definitely gonna be blues and purples and maybe some teal and pink . We 'll see what the stylist says tomorrow . If I can get a picture of before and after , I 'll come back and post them . I 've also gone past my birthday . My father asked me three or four times if I wanted to go out to dinner for my birthday ( he called around lunchtime ) but I kept saying no . I felt bad because I know he likes to go out to dinner and I am sure he felt it was what he could do for me , but I didn 't want to go out . I stood my ground and I thanked him , but said I wanted to chill at home . Hub acquiesced and didn 't do anything special for dinner , but we were together so that was fine . The weather outside was crappy and icy so I was just as happy to stay inside and just BE . My aunt - who doesn 't do so good with the whole grief support thing - called and kept me on the phone for 45 minutes talking about stuff . Two of my three brothers emailed me to wish me happy birthday , and my very old dear friend did the same . But no call from my mom , which was the hardest part . Just knowing the whole day that she wouldn 't be calling and we wouldn 't be talking . It sucked . And now it 's over for another year . Friday I will literally be in therapy while the inauguration is going on . Like I had planned it that way . The rest of the day I will be avoiding all manner of television and radio and social media . Bleh . I am still in a pretty good amount of physical pain . The nausea is still around but it feels like less often , so that 's good . Sleep is still sucky . The imbalance is so - so . My jaw pain is still bad , though . Headaches are not quite as bad . I broke down and saw my massage therapist last week so she could work on the TMJ pain , which worked pretty well for about a day . Next week I go back to her for my regular body - work session . One day I 'm going to schedule a woo - woo relaxing massage with her because she 's damn good at it ( I had one shortly after my mother died as a gift to myself ) and I really want it . I wish my insurance covered that shit because it is physically helpfully to me just like physical therapy was , but it 's not covered . And it 's pretty expensive for an appointment … not that I think it 's overpriced . My massage therapist is a boss and hella good at her job … and she works fucking hard to help me . I can 't even imagine how hard it is on HER body to do the work she does ! I have no idea if she 's in line with other massage therapists , but I know she earns every damn dollar during our appointments . I just realized how long this was . I 'm gonna end it now . I should have broken this up into separate posts , but in my head it all felt related . Thanks for sticking with me . My mother 's birthday was a few days before the holidays . As one of my brothers said to me , " I 'm sure it 's not creeping up on you , either … " And it wasn 't . T thinks that a lot of my pain and anxiety were around the colonoscopy without my mother being there , and because of my mother 's birthday , and because of the holidays without her . Yeah , I knew her birthday was coming . I knew it was going to be bad . I also knew I had somewhat of a plan for the day . Before Mom got sick , when she was still crocheting , she hooked up a bunch of preemie hats for our local hospital 's NICU . At the time , it wasn 't a lot of hats , so we kept saying we were holding off before taking them in . After Mom passed , I took all of the small amounts of yarn I had and crocheted more tiny hats . Then I put them all into a bag and left them in my library . Because I knew what I wanted to do . On Mom 's birthday , I woke up and got dressed . And I called my father to see how he was . He said he was just going to call me because he was going to the cemetery and he wanted to know if I wanted to go . I didn 't really , but I didn 't want him to go alone . So instead of answering him directly , I said if he would take me up to the hospital to drop off the preemie hats , I would go with him to the cemetery . He said okay , so we left about ten minutes later . At the hospital - where my father 's sister ( my aunt ) was admitted and stayed for several days , and where my mother went for her lymphedema wraps - I left Dad in the parking lot and I went inside . At the main desk , they checked me in and directed me to the NICU . As I made my way down the hall , I saw someone walk into the elevator , so I hurried to join her so I could save some time waiting for another elevator . Inside , the woman standing across from me smiled , then looked at the bag in my arms and her smile got wider . She asked me if I was bringing hats to the NICU . I said yes , and her eyes seemed to sparkle . She was heading for the NICU herself … she had twin girls who had been born before Thanksgiving - when they were due after Christmas . I said congratulations and I hoped they were doing well , which she said they were . And she told me , " They brought me to see the girls for the first time , and there they were in hand - knitted hats , and it just made my heart skip a beat . That someone out there did that for me and for them , complete strangers ! " Her smile was so big . When the elevator doors opened , I walked with her down the hall and into the NICU waiting area . I wished her luck and she disappeared behind a door that the nurse unlocked for her . I approached the nurse , who was behind a glass windowed reception area , and I put my bag of 40 hats on the counter in between us . And I announced that I was there to drop off crocheted hats for the babies . In all sizes , all colors , all different types of yarns . The nurse smiled and took the bag , then started going through the hats . She oohed and ahhed over some of them , and even rubbed a few on her cheek and said how soft they were . She told me how wonderful if it was to have them , and wanted to know " how many women are there in your group that made these ? " I laughed and said it was just my mom and me . The sweet woman said , " oh my goodness , please give your mom a hug for me ! " I basically nodded and smiled , gave a wave , and left the unit for the safety of the hallway . It was hard . I tried not to cry as I made my way back through the hospital and out to the car where my father was waiting . Fortunately , he was busy navigating the parking lot and trying to figure out the best way to get to the cemetery , so our conversation was pretty sparse . When we were done and I was home , I cried . I cried because those were the last hats I had from her . I cried because I missed her . I cried because I hated where I was in my life without her . When my mom was going through chemo , I made her a bunch of hats for her to wear after she lost her hair . Years ago , probably six or seven years , before I was crocheting , she was supposed to crochet me an open - weave sweater to wear over a tank top . She never got to it , for various reasons . I don 't even know what happened to the yarn we picked out . She crocheted me a shawl for my brother 's wedding , and added crocheted sleeves to an evening gown for my cousin 's black - tie wedding . So I really have nothing I can wear that she made for me . I wish I did . The last thing she crocheted was a lap blanket that she was expecting to donate , but a few days after she died , I took it . I wrapped it up in tissue paper and put it into a plastic bag that a set of sheets came in , and I put it away in my guest room . It 's in a drawer in my grandparents ' dresser . It 's ugly as sin color - wise , but I can 't bear to part with it . I also have a ruffled ball that was supposed to be for a baby that was a test - project . It 's on a shelf in my bookcase hidden behind some doors with the perfume that I took from her bathroom drawers a few months after she died . I honored my mom as best I could on her birthday . My birthday is coming up soon . Hub usually cooks me a special dinner and he 's been asking me what I want to eat . I kept putting him off , because I honestly do not want to celebrate my birthday . I finally told him I didn 't want anything special on my birthday because I didn 't want to have my birthday . I don 't even want it to be acknowledged , because it 's just another reminder to me that she isn 't here with me . Last year she was in brain radiation on my birthday … she was just getting over the symptoms of the brain mets . We were dealing with the lawyer trying to get my parents ' trusts all finalized and stuff . Last year , five days before my birthday , I had to call an ambulance at 11pm for Hub because he had an episode of paroxysmal supraventricular tachycardia ( PSVT ) where his heart rate was sustained up around 225 or 250bpm . They had to stop his heart twice with medication to get it reset . We went to his follow - up appointment with his cardiologist on my birthday . Right now , I 'm in pain . My arms and back and neck and shoulders hurt . I have headaches on an almost daily basis for multiple hours at a time . My hips hurt when I try to sleep . I still have nausea . I still have jaw pain . I still have anxiety over the jaw pain , though it 's not as persistent as it was in the past few weeks . I 'm not sleeping much and I 'm not crocheting because I hurt too much .