he sat on the window seat in the empty bedroom and looked out across the lawn . It was cold for October , and she pulled her sweater tight . The pine tree boughs bent away from the gusting wind , and the red maple leaves blew across the ground . She had always loved the changing seasons , but now she was going to a place that was summertime all year long . No winter coats this year . She smiled wryly . There was nothing like a good winter coat , but things change . She had downsized and everything she needed was packed . Donations to Good Will had been delivered . Most of the furniture had been sold . Everything was unfolding as planned . She would live near her daughter in a place some people called paradise . When she was a college freshman , she had saved two hundred dollars to buy a plane ticket home for Christmas . It was the first time she had been away from her family for so long , and she was looking forward to seeing them . Buying the ticket was going to take most of her money but she hoped to bring home a few gifts for everyone too . She couldn 't go empty - handed at Christmas , so on a late November day she took the bus into town to see what she could she find . Westfield was a magical land of sparkling lights and store windows full of red and silver bells , glittering Christmas trees , and beautifully wrapped packages . She paused often to take in the colorful displays until she came to Barton 's . It was the biggest department store . Svelte mannequins in red evening gowns and gold lame tops with black velvet skirts beckoned to her . She pushed through the crowded store onto the escalator to Ladies ' Apparel on the second floor . As soon as she stepped off , she saw the jacket . It was strategically placed to get the attention of anyone arriving on the floor - not in the coat department , but right there at the entrance . She went directly to it . It was golden suede , cut short and belted , and it was her size - small . The faux fox collar was soft and deep like sheep 's wool . She buried her fingers in it , then ran them across the smooth suede sleeve . She knew it was only for display , but she didn 't care . She unbuttoned it right there , took it off the mannequin , and put it on . Then she found a mirror and looked at herself from every angle . It was beautiful . She took it with her and walked to the cashier , counted out her money and stepped onto the down escalator . The coat was hers . Outside the store the cold air hit her cheeks like a slap in the face . What was she thinking ? Her money - the money for her plane ticket home - the money for the presents she would have brought with her - was gone . In its place was a jacket . She stepped off the crowded sidewalk into a doorway to open the bag , and pressed her fingers again into the deep soft collar . Her chest tightened . She was penniless and all by her own choice . It was terrifying and yet she was thrilled . The bus ride back to campus was long and gave her too much time to worry . She could never tell her parents what she had done . They would be so disappointed if she didn 't come home . She had to find a way of making up the money she had spent . Some way she would just have to do it . She would not return the coat . The next day she studied the help wanted ads in the local paper . Her cafeteria job was very time - consuming , and exams were coming right after Christmas . She had a term paper in philosophy due before vacation , but she had to do this . There was only one listing that seemed like a possibility . She called immediately and arranged for an interview . She knocked on the door of the big stone house . Eventually the door opened and a woman with a walker stood before her . She was tall with curly white hair and round dark - framed glasses that stood out on her pale face . The walker seemed too small for her . She wondered if the woman was naturally hunched or if she was hunching to reach the handles of the walker . The woman seemed well except for her dependence on the walker . She explained that she had difficulty maintaining the house by herself and that her emphysema had slowed her down even more . She needed help with cleaning and making her meals . " So you 're a college girl , Emily . Do you have time for this ? " Emily had already told her about her cafeteria job . " Don 't you need time to study ? " " Well , it 's beautiful . I love it . Carpe diem . I 'd have bought it too if I were a kid like you . The collar is so elegant and the color - palomino , I 'd call it - is perfect with your hair . " They laughed together . It was good to tell someone who really seemed to understand . It was an impulsive act ; it was irrational , but she had no regrets . And now it seemed that her money problems would be solved . The job was hers . She liked Mary a lot . Even though she needed help , she was not helpless . She was full of life - funny , opinionated , strong . She 'd traveled a lot , gotten married , divorced , remarried , and now widowed . She and her second husband had operated an antique shop , and her home was full of beautiful pieces from that time - highly polished mahogany furniture , china , glassware , all arranged as if the shop were open for business . One of Emily 's jobs was polishing and dusting , and she loved doing it because each piece was special and unique and usually had a story to go with it . After the Christmas holidays , she continued to work for Mary . Suddenly it was March . She walked from the bus to Mary 's house with the jacket slung over her shoulder . It was a beautiful warm day though not yet spring . She knocked and waited for Mary 's hearty welcome to come in . There was no response for a long time , and then the door swung open . A tall middle - aged man whom she knew at once was Mary 's son extended his hand and introduced himself . She 'd been with Mary just two days ago . They 'd taken a walk in the back yard and sat on a little bench watching the birds . It was so peaceful there with hyacinths and forsythia in full bloom . As always Mary told her stories and as always she also wanted to know what was happening with Emily . Did she finish her English paper ? What was she reading ? Later that night Mary 's son called as he said he would . Mary had broken her hip . She would be in the hospital for a while , and then he was arranging for rehab out of state in the town where he lived . He wasn 't sure when she would be able to return home . The rehab center was much too far for Emily to visit Mary , but she called often . The first time she called they gave the phone to Mary , but she never spoke . A nurse said she was having a difficult day . She was very weak and her emphysema had gotten worse . Emily called at least once a week to see how she was doing but never talked to her . She sent letters as well , but it was hard to keep writing when there was no response . She wondered if the nurses read them to her . Was she able to understand them if they did ? Then just before the semester ended , Mary 's son called to tell her that Mary wouldn 't be returning home . She was no longer able to live alone . The house was for sale She took her final exams and went back home for the summer . She got a job at the Dairy Queen and took her little sister to the beach a lot . She met a guy at work and they went to the beach together too . Sometimes to the movies . It was fun , but she was happy when September came and she returned to school . Mary would have loved to have her read the poems they were studying in English . She wrote a paper on Keats and wondered what Mary would think of it . She missed her . Winter came and she wore the " palomino " coat with no regrets . She graduated early and was ready to conquer New York . She had a job at Flower Fifth Avenue Hospital , an efficiency apartment on the upper west side , and a new wardrobe . The college uniform of sweatshirts and jeans was gone , and the centerpiece of that change was the cream - colored coat with the hood . It was long and full and elegant . It made whatever else she was wearing seem as stylish as it was . She was a grown - up in the real world ! She hadn 't even worked a day when the transit strike occurred . The excitement of the new job dimmed , replaced by the frustration of getting there . It was very cold and very early as she started off toward Central Park for her first day . She pulled the beautiful coat around her and shouldered her purse . People were everywhere - walking , running , on bikes . She crossed at 72nd Street and entered the park . School boys with backpacks scooped up the dirty snow and pelted each other with hard - packed icy balls . Men in suits with their collars up against the wind strode rapidly in rhythm with their swinging briefcases . Some rode motorcycles or bikes and had wool hats pulled down over their ears or scarves blowing out behind their necks . Women carried their heels and wore their tennis shoes or winter boots for the march across the city . Cars were streaming across too . As she made the first turn , she saw that some drivers had stopped their cars and offered rides to the walkers who eagerly jumped in . Some walked backwards with their thumbs stuck out , hoping the next driver would take pity on them . It was so crazy , she thought . Hitchhiking across Central Park . Probably not a good idea . She shoved her hands in her pockets and trudged on , catching up to two other girls . They were giggling and sliding on the snow and occasionally sticking out their mittened thumbs . She was about to speak to them when a red Volkswagen pulled over , and they piled into the back seat , screaming in appreciation . They crossed the park in what seemed like minutes , and he announced that he was headed for 57th Street . The girls in the back hopped out despite his offer to take them wherever they were going . She got out as well . It would still be a long walk for her but at least she had gotten across the park . No one knew how long the strike would last . That first day everyone seemed elated at the change of pace , at the adventure of it . By the second day the exuberance had waned for many . Hers had not . She was excited . The unexpected ride had filled her with nervous energy . Who would believe that on her first day of work she had hitchhiked with a gorgeous stranger . On Tuesday she found herself watching for the VW as she started across the park . A few drivers slowed and offered her a ride , but she declined . Halfway across the park she heard a beeping horn and saw the red car slowing beside her . She got in . She had hoped this would happen , and now she was speechless . This time there were no other passengers to fill the silence with giggles and silly talk . She protested but he had already turned up . The conversation became easier , but her hands were tight fists in her coat pockets and her palms were wet inside the wool gloves . When he dropped her off in front of the hospital , he said " I 'll see you tomorrow . " She savored the idea and prayed that the strike would continue . And it did . Every day that week he drove along side of her in the red car just as she started out across the park . On Friday he had a bag of doughnuts on the seat and held it open for her . They ate and talked . It was easier now . Too soon she was getting out at the hospital and waving good - bye to this man who occupied her thoughts more than the new job and more than all the things she had anticipated with so much excitement only a week ago . The week - end was eternity . She was restless . She hung the new curtains she had bought for the livingroom . She went to the movies with a girl from work . She cleaned the kitchen and rearranged the furniture . She even thought of taking a walk across the park but stopped herself because there was little chance she would see him . Finally Monday came . She looked out the window by her bed . Something was different . Then she saw the buses lumbering along Amsterdam . The throngs of people she had become accustomed to were gone . Her stomach tightened and her excitement became despair . The strike was over . She sat back on the bed and stared at the floor . Maybe she would walk anyway . Maybe he would be looking for her . How silly she was . She took the bus across town and changed to the uptown one . It had only been a week of quick rides across the park , but it felt like more . How could it end so abruptly ? She had thought that they would become more than friends as they already had in her girlish fantasies . At first she pressed her face to the bus window , scanning the road for his car , but the red car never came into view that day or ever again . Nor did she see it parked in front of the hospital waiting for her when she left for the day as it did in her daydreams . It was a long time before she stopped looking for him , and so much longer for the sadness to pass . He had broken her heart , and he didn 't even know her name , It was on the cover of the Woodward Winter Catalog . They called it a swing coat - three - quarter length with no buttons and a big wide collar and cuffs . It came in pumpkin which was on the catalog cover or eggplant . She ordered it that day . Pumpkin . Before the coat arrived , she found out she was pregnant . It was ironic . She never dreamed that the loose swinging coat would become her maternity coat as well as the coat she would wear bringing home her beautiful baby daughter . When she saw it on the front of the catalog , she had only known it was a great coat . It arrived by UPS . She tore open the box and put it on , then walked outside and down the block . The coat was perfect . Life was perfect . The baby would be perfect . She smiled and savored her happiness . She was going to be a mother . Months later she took the same walk wearing the same coat as she pushed the beautiful baby girl in the handsome new carriage . She had quit her job even though she loved it . She would go back when the time was right - when the baby was in school or maybe pre - school or she would work part - time . She gave it little thought because she had no misgivings about her choice . It would all work out . There was no hurry . She was a mother now . Before the baby came , Jim had planned to cut back at work and finish his graduate degree . Baby Laura changed the plan , and she felt bad for him . He never said so , but she knew he was frustrated about not completing his studies . She lived with this awareness for a while , but finally that was it . She announced to Jim that she could get a part - time job at night when he could be home with Laura . He could take one or two classes at a time right now and move closer to finishing . He protested as she knew he would , but finally she convinced him that it was a good thing for both of them She had not considered that getting a job would be so hard . It never had been like that before . It was partly the hours , and she was over - qualified for many of the jobs that fit her schedule . Finally she accepted the fact that the only job she could get that would pay enough to make it worthwhile was waitressing . The hours worked . She could even work week - ends . The tips would be good if she worked in the right place . She 'd done it when she was in high school and a few summers during college . She was good at it . She had made good money . It had been fun then - flirting with the customers , going out after work with the other kids who worked there , sleeping late , and back to work at night . It was a party that never ended . But it wasn 't a party now . It was a challenge that she hoped she was up to . There was a job at The Carriage House and she went for an interview . The restaurant wasn 't open yet and it was cold in the empty dining room where she waited for the manager , wrapped in the pumpkin coat . She clutched the resume that she had revised to include her early waitressing jobs at The Corner Restaurant , Dairy Queen , and the Beach Front Hotel . Now those carefree days were more important than her master 's degree and the three years she had worked in labor relations . She felt old and awkward as she watched the kitchen staff arriving , but the manager was nice and the interview was short . She was hired . She could start that night . The stress drained out of her body . She had done it . She swirled the swirl coat and walked quickly to the car . She was young again . Every night she left the house as soon as Jim came home . On the day when he had classes Mrs . McCabe came and stayed with Laura until he got back . She was a wonderful lady who had raised four children of her own , and seemed to really enjoy spending time with Laura . Jim was happy to be getting closer to finishing his degree . And she was pleased with herself for making the choice . Waitressing wasn 't much different than it had been when she was younger . Keep the customers happy . Chit chat or stay quiet and low profile , which ever she felt they wanted . She could do it . She could read the customers . She was organized and quick , and above all she knew " the customer was always right . " It was a game really . She was an actress , and at each table she played a different role . It was fun , but not in the same way it had been years before . She didn 't really want her life to be a game . Sometimes right in the middle of the game , she wanted to stop - to say what she really meant or to say nothing at all . That 's how she was feeling on that Monday night , working in the bar section . There weren 't many customers , but Monday was bowling night for the leagues so there were the regulars . They were big beer drinkers who always asked for snacks and didn 't tip well no matter how you played the game . Five guys sat at a corner table near the door . She didn 't recognize them , but they were dressed like the typical Monday - nighters - jeans and sweatshirts or tee shirts with college names on them . Probably from the leagues . One wore a button - down shirt . He would rock back in his chair periodically and laugh . The others would join in . He was the alpha of the pack , she guessed . She could hear his voice above the others - something that always annoyed her . She wondered if he realized how loud he was or if he was intentionally talking to the whole room . She chose the quiet and serious role for them - more because she didn 't want to play that night than because she saw it as their role of choice for her . More likely they would have warmed up to chatty - moving - toward - flirty as the night wore on . They were all pretty happy with themselves , and button - down was especially pumped up and full of himself . The others , although they gradually became less focused on his pontificating , were still clearly a bit under his spell . Probably he was their boss . He had some kind of status with them for sure . As she approached with the third round on her tray and a refill on the pretzels , button - down tipped back his chair again and the back bumped her tray . The drinks sloshed , and the glass of vodka tipped right over and spilled on his sleeve . She righted the empty glass and apologized , but he began playing his own dramatic role . He jumped to his feet as if she 'd scalded him with hot water , and began rubbing his sleeve with a napkin . It was just a shot glass full of vodka . She apologized again and attempted to help him dry his sleeve . The other guys were quiet now as his anger grew . There was really nothing more she could do , nor did she want to . She watched him stomp out with his followers close behind him . As he disappeared , a sense of her own power came over her , and comforted her . Button - down and his boys were jerks , but she owed them a lot . Five boors in a bar had made it so very clear . She finished the night , and gave notice . The game was over . It was time to move on . She wore her " big shot " coat every day during the impending merger . It was a gift from Jim . She saw it in the window at Bergdorf 's when they had spent a week - end in the city . He remembered that she had admired it , and there it was under the tree that Christmas . And it truly was a " big shot " coat . That 's what Jim called it . It was black cashmere with a long sash , conservative but trendy . She loved it . The merger was stressful . There were position cuts to be made and her department got to deliver that news . There was job training for some . There were offers of relocation for others . Whatever the outcome was for a particular person , it was a radical change and a hard departure from what they had become accustomed to . And through it all she knew that her own position was in jeopardy too , after she had completed the necessary dirty work . She started arriving early at her office to avoid seeing and especially having to converse with employees . She was aware of the lists . She knew who was going and who was staying . In some cases she had been a part of the decision People cried . Men and women alike . People who had always gotten along with each other argued over silly things . They were angry and sad and had no recourse when she sat down with them to deliver the verdict - going or staying . If it was a layoff , she talked options with them . but once the bad news was presented , they heard nothing . When Phil Black called her into his office , she was ready for her own bad news . They 'd worked together for a long time . He was her boss and mentor . Sitting there in front of him she thought he looked old . His hair had grayed over the years and his face was drawn . Even though they had become good friends , it was hard to look at him , waiting for what was to come . " Emily , you 've done a great job with these people . It 's a very hard thing to do . And there 's no way it can make you feel good or even satisfied . Believe me , I know . " She couldn 't make eye contact . How long would he drag this out ? Her face felt so hot . She wondered if it was red and if he noticed . Finally she forced herself to raise her eyes and look at him . She studied the man . Phil had been her rock , especially over the past few months . After a day spent devastating people 's lives , she was so often ready to throw in the towel . He was the one who somehow patched her up and sent her home feeling that she could do it again the next day and not fall apart . But now Phil was the one . How could that happen ? He stood up . She took a step toward him and stopped . There was a look in his eye . He wasn 't her mentor anymore . He was another casualty , and just like with the others , there was nothing she could do except step back and allow him his pride and his privacy . But it really wasn 't okay . He was trying to say the right things , but she 'd been through the bitterness and the grief with so many others over the past month . There was no way to make it okay that they were being laid off or asked to take a lesser job or retire like Phil . He needed to keep it to himself . He needed to be strong . He couldn 't open up his rage or expose his shame that this was happening to him . She hugged him and left his office . They wouldn 't talk about it tomorrow or ever . In a few weeks Phil was gone . She became the new Director of Human Resources for the merged company . Life went on . A new normal emerged . Jim teased her that the lady in the big shot coat was a real big shot now . She bought the grey coat with the mink collar for herself when they moved to Connecticut . It was supposed to be a little treat for her at that time of pulling up stakes and moving to a new place , but now her most vivid memory of it was one of pain and sadness . Even after so many years . It was Saturday . Jim was home working in the yard , and she had gone to have her hair cut in town . When she returned , she parked the car in the front driveway and thought she heard him calling her name . She paused as he came running toward her . " I 've killed Big Boy . Emily , I 've killed him . I ran over him with the tractor . I didn 't know he was there . " Together they ran to the empty field behind the garage . Big Boy lay still in the grass . Jim threw himself on the ground and clutched the dog in his arms . Her heart was pounding hard as she knelt beside them . Big Boy 's body was untouched . She laid her hands on the beautiful brown coat and stroked him , then howled in anguish as she saw the bloodied head where the tractor wheel had hit it . This could not be . It could not . The tears streamed across her cold cheeks . They had had dogs and cats and even guinea pigs when Laura was a child , but this dog was their dog . They had gone to see him on a beautiful spring day , wondering if it was a good idea . It had been a long time since they had had an animal in the house . Maybe they were too old to start with a new puppy . Maybe it was more trouble than it was worth . But it was Jim 's good friend who pushed them to come and take a look at the last of the litter . " I saved the best for you , " he said . " He 's a special guy . " They said okay , but just to take a look . No promises . But they knew in the first moment they saw him that it was true . He was a special dog . He ran across the backyard with his mother following close behind him , ears flying backward in the wind , dragging a stick that was far too big for a pup . But he did it . Then he saw them and dropped it , running toward them like he knew he was to be theirs . And he was . For eleven years he had been so very very special . Their Big Boy . The blood on Big Boy 's head had started to dry . He looked like he was sleeping in Jim 's arms as he had so many times for so many years . She took off her coat and covered him . For a long time they stayed there on the ground with the dog between them , silent except for gasping sobs . Finally she stood up . He didn 't respond so she started off alone toward the shed . She fought to stop herself from again crumpling on the ground and letting out her grief in deep gut - wrenching howls . When she finally reached the barn , she leaned against the wall of the old building and realized that her whole body was shivering . She steadied herself , gasping . She had to be strong . In the corner was Big Boy 's barn bed where he slept for hours while Jim puttered in his workshop . But he wasn 't really sleeping - just waiting for the glorious moment when Jim would put down his tools and say , " Wanna go for a walk Boy ? " She needed to get the shovel and get back to Jim but she felt so helpless . What could she say to him ? The responsibility he felt took his grief far beyond her own deep anguish . There were no words that made any sense to her . People lost their sons and daughters in terrible ways . People suffered unjustly . She tried to put this in perspective but her emotions would not allow it . Her heart was torn apart . Wonderful Big Boy was dead . She found the pointed shovel and carried it down the hill . Jim and the dog were still on the ground and his grasp on the limp body had stayed tight . After a few minutes , she took Jim by the shoulders and raised him up with the dog pressed against his chest . Her coat fell away and lay on the ground in a heap . A blood smear covered the sleeve and the black fur collar was stiff . She picked up the coat and wrapped it around Big Boy again . Without speaking they walked toward the big chestnut tree where Big Boy had often waited for an unsuspecting squirrel that he could chase . That was the place . She started to dig . In any other circumstance Jim would have taken the shovel and done it , but he turned away unable even to watch . It took a long time , and the sunless day was darkening more . It was very cold now but her body warmed as she dug harder . When she felt the hole was big enough , she stepped away from it . Jim didn 't answer . The finality of the big rectangular hole in the ground was unbearable . She was torn between getting the bed and prolonging this terrible moment or just getting it over with . Finally she went to Jim and together in silence they placed the dog in the ground . Once again she pulled the coat securely around the strong , sleek body . She looked at Jim and then began slowly shoveling the dirt back in place . A car door slammed in the driveway , and she jumped up from the window seat . The limo to the airport had arrived . It was time to go . The doorbell rang . She took a quick look at the stark empty room , then hurried down the stairs to open the door . " It 's been a little scary , getting a big loan and all . I thought about re - enlisting instead . That would have been easier really , but it 's working out . And now I 'm engaged too . Getting married next May . " He looked so young . He had always had kind of a baby face and he still did . His blonde hair curled a little around his ears and there was a faint wisp of a mustache . He took a suitcase in each hand and marched toward the car . She followed behind , trying to match his quick step . She climbed into the back seat and looked at the house once more as he backed out into the street . She was ready . It was time to go . He drove quickly through the neighborhood and onto the turnpike where he picked up speed . The exit signs flew by , announcing each vanishing town as they passed . She leaned her head against the back of the seat and closed her eyes , speeding to a place some called paradise . Sarah Kruel has worked in the field of mental health and substance abuse treatment as a therapist , researcher , and teacher . She spent much of her career as the director of one of the country 's largest residential addiction treatment centers . She competes at major horse shows on the east coast and has written a number of articles for equestrian publications . She is also the author of a self - published book , Speaking of Success : Women 's Stories and Strategies for Living with Peace and Passion ( available at Amazon and Infinity Publishing ) . The short story Coat Tales is her first published fiction . tweet Previous articleArt of Melinda GiordanoNext articleRuth Gila Berger writdisordThe Writing Disorder is a quarterly literary journal . We publish exceptional new works of fiction , poetry , nonfiction and art . 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