MenuHomeNewsAbout Nephy and Cheryl » Interviews » Character InterviewsMy Books » Young Adult » Adult » ReviewsFree ReadsBlogs » Nephy 's World ( Adult ) » Rainbow Warriors ( YA ) Favorites » Blogs / Websites » Reviewers » Hosted Interviews » PromotionContact MeHome / SpecialSpecial Marc Harmon is an extraordinary person . He is special . I have loved him completely since almost the first moment I met him . I was on holiday with my parents and his family had the cabin next door . The very first day , while my parents were unloading the car I ran off exploring and saw him , sitting on the balcony that ran along the front of their cabin . I ran straight over , and stopped a few steps away . I started kicking at the dirt with the toe of my shoe , and sending him shy looks from under my fringe . After a while , his smile faded to be replaced by a look of confusion . He must have wondered what on earth I was doing . No , knowing Marc he was wondering why I hadn 't touched him yet . Marc is a very tactile person ; he loves to hug and be hugged . He is so sweet that everyone wants to hug him . Certainly , at that point , he was prone to throwing his arms around anyone who came close enough , and kissing them . It 's one of his most endearing traits . Instantly the tears disappeared and that bright sunny disposition re - emerged . He hugged me tightly , and laughed . He has a wonderful laugh . No one who hears that laugh can help but smile , at the least . At that point , I was distracted by a gentle touch on my arm . I turned and looked down into pools of liquid blue . I have always been quite a bit taller than Marc , but it was more pronounced then . While I was staring into his eyes he touched my face and said , " Pretty . " I smiled , even though I didn 't really know why I was smiling . If I had thought about it , I would have realised that Marc 's actions weren 't exactly normal , even for a five year old , but I didn 't see anything beyond his angel face and bright smile . He made me feel warm . He 's had the same effect ever since . " Do you want to see my special stone ? " I asked Marc , as she turned to leave . He smiled at me , but didn 't answer , so I took out the stone and held it out to him . It was my most treasured possession . I had found it on the beach the year before and it had not been more than a foot away from me ever since . The stone is about the size of an egg and fits snugly into the palm of the hand … at least for a child . It is blue , shot through with white lines , making a criss cross pattern through the stone . I thought it was beautiful ; so did Marc . He still has it . When the time came to take back the stone , he gave it up readily but looked so sad that it hurt my heart . There were tears in his eyes and his lips were trembling . I have never been able to stand seeing him cry , and so I handed it straight back over , hungry for the beautiful smile that rewarded me . In the days that followed , our families met and became fast friends . Marc and I were inseparable . Even when I discovered that he was different , not the same as anyone else , special , I adored him with a passion and spent every possible moment at his side . After the third or fourth year of meeting up every summer , our parents became so friendly - initially , they told me later , because of the relationship that had developed between Marc and me - that we started to spend other holidays together . Marc visited my home , and I went to him . It was one of those friendships that only grew stronger with separation . When I was twelve , Mr Harmon was promoted in his job , and the family came to live , only a short bus journey , from my home . By then , Marc had a sister , Judith , who was four years old , and as pretty as he was , although very different . She had the same sunny personality and sweet smile , but she was bright and inquisitive , quick witted and talkative . Marc was much quieter , tending to sit back and watch ; waiting to be presented with things , rather than seeking them out . He barely spoke , and when he did it was usually single words or short , disjointed sentences . He made himself well understood , though . By then , I had realised that Marc wasn 't the same as everyone else , as anyone else . It wasn 't just his beauty and his sweetness ; it was more , much more . Strangely , it has never been an issue between us , and it was a huge shock to me the first time I heard someone make a derogatory comment to him . I found in unbelievable that anyone would want to hurt Marc . He was so gentle and loving , but , one time we were at the beach and there was a group of boys , about my age . I was eleven and Marc was barely eight . We were walking through the arcade , hand in hand . We were lost in the colours and sounds of the arcade , and Marc was bouncing with excitement . When the boys appeared in front of us , he grinned at them and reached out his hand to touch a colourful wristband worn by the nearest boy . The boy instantly snatched it back , causing Marc to frown . " I … " I had no idea what they were talking about , but I knew danger when I saw it and I was seeing it , in the form of four large pre teens , with mean streaks a mile wide . If it had just been me I would probably have put up a fight . I was well built , even then , and have never run from confrontation . However , Marc was with me and the thought of him being hurt or scared was unbearable . So I just took his hand and walked away , down one of the aisles . " Hey freaks , " one of the boys called after us , and I felt Marc jerk . I stopped and looked at him . He had blood on his cheek . He had been looking back , curious about the boys , and not understanding at all why they were being unkind . He 'd been hit by something one of them had thrown after us . For myself , I could have ignored them and walked away ; but Marc was here . Marc was bleeding and crying , and I had to protect him at all costs . I carefully let go of Marc 's hand . He shook his head and gripped my arm . " Don 't leave me , " he said in a small scared voice , looking up into my face . I forced myself to smile and loosened his hand . " No , no , no , " Marc moaned , getting more and more frightened by the situation , the threat that was now almost palpable . " No Jamie , no . I want to go home . Home , Jamie , home . " One of the boys put his hand into his pocket and took out another stone . He drew his hand back , but before he could throw I threw myself at him and caught him in the middle , knocking him to the floor . When he was flat on his back , I pummelled him until I heard Marc 's wail behind me . I leaped to my feet , and grabbed the nearest boy by the back of his neck , flinging him against one of the machines . Marc was crouched on the floor , hugging himself , with his face half turned away . The boys were poking him and making derogatory remarks . " Are you alright ? Are you hurt ? " He reached out his hand to Marc , but he shrank away and wailed again . I crouched down and reached out to stroke his hair . Slowly , he turned his head and showed a face streaked with blood and tears . I smiled at him and a hesitant smile came back . " It 's alright now , Marc , " I said in a careful , even voice ; the one I always used when he was frightened , or hurt . " It 's all gone away , and I 'm here . I 'll take you back to your mam now . You know me , don 't you ; you trust me ? " I was a stubborn kid . He looked at Marc , who , by now , was smiling his sunny smile again and looking at me with adoring eyes . The man smiled and nodded and then left us alone . I took Marc by the hand and led him back to our parents . All hell broke loose . Marc 's parents were very protective of him , and they were all for calling the police . After first , being cast in the role of villain for not taking care of him , once my mother pointed out that there were always going to be arseholes who didn 't understand Marc and that it wouldn 't be fair on him to keep him close all the time , I was suddenly a hero . Marc never went to school like I did ; he went to a special school , in a taxi , every day . I knew he hated it , because I had to work hard to cheer him up every day , when he got home . I don 't know why he hated it , but I hated it too … just because it made him sad . He never learned to read , or ride a bicycle , or play football . There were a lot of things he couldn 't do but there were so many more things he could do . For one thing , he could climb like a demon , given half the chance . He climbed trees , mountains , climbing walls , anything and anywhere , and I mostly got the blame , not that I minded , because he was happy when he was climbing , and when he was running , or riding . Once , we went on an outward bounds course for … I won 't call it by its name because it doesn 't apply to Marc . Marc isn 't and never has been disabled , handicapped or challenged ; he was , and is , just … special . The course was good , though . It gave Marc the kind of freedom that he lacked at home and everyone was surprised by the way he took to the challenges . He was like a fish in the water , and wasn 't afraid of anything . Once , when we were standing on the top of a tower , waiting to jump off , trusting a rope and a few pieces of metal to get us to the ground , he put his arm around me and smiled his smile . " I 'll take care of my Jamie , " he said , and then he pushed me off . I screamed all the way down , but he didn 't . When he landed he grinned at me . " You 're okay , " he said smiling , as if that explained everything and then he hugged me . I was fifteen and that was the moment I knew , for sure , I 'm gay . The smell of him ; the warmth of his arms ; the softness of his hair . Although , later I felt guilty about it ; about the way I felt ; about who I was feeling it for , at that time , that one glorious moment I was totally and absolutely in love with him . In some ways , Marc never grew up . As we got older , his childlike innocence became more and more pronounced , as he reached the age when he really should have left it behind . He never learned how to lie , how to cheat and steal , or how to hurt people . Marc would no more have hurt another person , than he would have pulled his own teeth . That didn 't impress everyone . There were some who like to spoil perfection , to corrupt innocent . There were some who wanted nothing more than to tear him down and hurt him and , every time they did , I kicked their arses and built him back up again . It was never hard . Marc always found it easier to be up than down . When he was fifteen , almost sixteen something terrible happened to Marc , something he never recovered from . He lost his best friend ; his supporter ; his protector ; his other half . He lost his sparkle , his shine . He changed . He was broken . I didn 't know that any of that would happen , when I accepted the place at an university , almost two hundred miles away . I didn 't know that I would hurt my best friend , so badly that he never completely got over it . I didn 't know that I would never see that light in his eyes again ; that from then on every time he looked at me , there would be a shadow . At first , when I tried to explain to him what was going to happen , that I was going to leave , to go to school , but I would come back for weekends and holidays , he really didn 't understand . He had no frame of reference . He had no concept of a life without me around . He didn 't understand and that was why he accepted it . It made me feel that it would be alright , even when I knew , deep down , that it wouldn 't Both sets of parents reassured me that I was doing the right thing . His parents thought that , without me around , Marc would find a little more independence , that he would have to . I acknowledged that Marc relied on me totally , maybe too much , and so I believed then . My parents thought that I would find more freedom , a life of my own , a girlfriend maybe . I let myself be persuaded that it was the right thing to do , and I have to admit that the thought of total freedom was a rush . I started a degree in technology , with a major in interstellar travel . My mother always said I had my head in the stars , and I was learning to design star drives ; helping people travel to them . It was exciting , stimulating , all consuming . I thought there were no limits , no boundaries . I had believed that Marc would learn to accept . I spent hours explaining what I was going to be doing . We looked at star charts , watched programmes about transports and cruisers ; I even rented movies about university life or star travel . I really thought that he understood , that he was okay , even happy for me , but I was wrong . The moment I saw the confusion replaced by pain in his eyes ; the moment I hugged him for the last time and turned away , and he ran after me ; the moment he looked into my eyes and begged , " Don 't leave me Jamie , " I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life . But it was too late . Way too late . The first time I came back for the weekend , my heart broke . I went straight over to Marc 's house , even before I unpacked . He was in his room and I knew from the look on his mother 's face the moment she set eyes on me that he wasn 't in a good place . When he was almost eighteen and I was twenty one I finished university . I came home to find him so changed I wouldn 't have recognised him if I had met him in the street . I hadn 't been back for three months because I had finals to study for and parties to go to . I 'd had a life and I thought that by immersing myself in that life I could shut out the images that haunted me … images of blue eyes filled with tears . As soon as I walked through the front door my parents told me straight away that I needed to go and see Marc . They said that his parents were worried about him and they thought I would be able to help . I wasn 't . He didn 't want to see me . He wouldn 't talk to me and I grieved for how much I had let him down . He was a precious , precious gift , a sunflower and I had crushed his petals . I didn 't know what to do to make him alright again . " Better ? " For some reason I felt angry , so angry I wanted to hit them . " How could you say that ? There is nothing anyone could do to make him better . He 's perfect the way he is . " " Jamie … It couldn 't have lasted . Maybe three years ago I would have listened to you , believed you . Three years ago he was whole , he was happy but now … " She stopped . " You couldn 't have stayed with him forever . You have your own life . You have friends , a career , a future . You couldn 't have given all that up for him and that 's what it would have taken to keep him whole . You were always going to have had to leave sooner or later and it was always going to have broken his heart . " " You did do that Jamie . I know you didn 't mean to . I know you would never have hurt him deliberately ; but you did . When you left it tore the heart out of him and he has never been the same since . He 's broken , Jamie . Somewhere deep inside he 's lost his sunshine . He doesn 't smile any more ; doesn 't speak , barely sleeps or eats . " Marc was never going to be independent . He was always going to need someone to look after him all his life but we never meant to make that person you . We never meant to put that responsibility on your shoulders . " " And who will take care of Marc while you 're at work ? Or were you planning on leaving him in your home alone ? Do you think he would cope with that ? " " No , I … I 'd find a way . " I felt desperate , as if the conversation , Marc 's life , was slipping through my hands . " Sooner or later you 're going to meet someone and want to make a life with them . You 're going to have a wife and children . How are they going to fit in ? You couldn 't just put Marc aside at that point . It 's a lifetime commitment . " How could I tell them ? How could I admit ? How could I explain how I had tried ? I had tried so hard to open my heart to someone else . There had been girlfriends … and boyfriends but none of them lasted because none of them could compare . I knew that there was never a possibility of Marc and I being together that way . I knew he loved me as much as I loved him but , with Marc , it could never have been anything more than innocent ; strictly platonic and I was happy with that . I was sure that I could live with him , love him and never compromise him . " We know you mean that . You 've always been a wonderful friend to him but you 're a man now , Jamie , a man with your own life , your own responsibilities . Marc can 't be first with you any more , and you can 't fight the world for him . " " I 'm sorry Jamie . I know this is hard for you but it 's happening . Marc 's booked in for the surgery on Wednesday . " " We 've been thinking about it for a long time , Jamie . We didn 't want to worry you with the details until we were sure . We didn 't want you to worry when you were so far away . " " He 's hurting anyway , Jamie . He can 't cope with an adult world and you can 't stay a child for him . These have been … worrying times . He 's growing up Jamie . It 's been delayed but in the last two years he 's become a man and … " She sighed and shook her head and I 'll never forget the look in her eyes . I wasn 't aware of it but she knew , even then she knew . " I 'll take care of him , " I said dully , but I knew the battle was lost . " Is it … is it dangerous ? Will it hurt him ? " I heard them call after me as I strode from the room . Marc was surprised when I burst into his room and hugged him close ; surprised but not worried in any way and he hugged me back eagerly . I could feel his heart beating fast and hard , but I didn 't really notice . When he realised I was crying he pulled away and looked into my eyes with that piercing gaze that makes me shiver . I had often wondered what went on behind those eyes . He always knew how I was feeling , sometimes even better than I did myself . " I 'm not sad . " I covered his hand with my own and he looked surprised again . " I 'm scared for you Marc . Do you know what they are going to do to you ? " His eyes widened again and he shivered . " I don 't like it , Jamie . I was scared . They hurt me and I felt funny . " His brow furrowed with concentration . " Mam held my hand and , " he brightened and treated me to his smile for the first time . " next time I get to hold your hand . " I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I started to turn away but he wouldn 't let me . " Jamie ? " Reluctantly I turned back . " You will hold my hand ? " " Yes , of course I will hold your hand but … Do you know what 's going to happen to you Marc , what they are going to do to you ? " He shook his head but he didn 't look overly concerned . " They 're going to cut into your head Marc ; put things inside your brain that will change you . You won 't be the same . You might die . " The day before the operation we spent every minute together . I had taught him to play games on the computer and he had taken to it with remarkable alacrity . He couldn 't read but when the game required it I was always there to help . Actually he was very good and he usually beat me … not that night though , his mind wasn 't on it . After a while we gave up and watched silly comedies on TV . Mark loves to laugh and he does so easily and infectiously . We cuddled together on the battered old sofa in his room and I struggled not to cry while he laughed aloud , snuggling into my side with his head resting on my shoulder . He had no idea how hard it was for me to have him so close , so affectionate ; or how badly I wanted to hold him , to kiss him . But I didn 't . That night we slept , as we always did , in the twin beds in his room . However , this time when I woke up in the early hours of the morning it was with his arms around me and his head on my chest . I raised my head and looked down at the blonde curls , my hands clenching at my sides and my stomach clenching under his hand . He was so innocent . He didn 't know what he was doing to me ; he couldn 't have . At first , when we got to the hospital Marc was nervous , but okay , as long as I was close to him . He was scared when the doctor examined him and highly suspicious of the nurses . The whole environment unsettled him and he was very anxious . He freaked out if I was out of his sight even for a moment and when I went to the toilet he had to go too . As I got more wound up Marc picked up on it more and more as the drugs confused him and the environment scared him . I felt as if the situation was spiralling out of control and there was nothing I could do to stop it . He didn 't want his parents near him and he clung to my hand with more and more desperation . I will never , ever forget the look on his face when they came to take him to theatre . I was lying on the bed , holding him and he was dozing , finally feeling safe . The nurses were dressed in scrubs and were very nice but very firm in insisting I get off and then move away from the bed . I finally came to myself to find that two hours had passed and I was almost home , having walked automatically for almost 10 miles . There were numerous missed calls on my mobile phone . Most of them were from Marc 's mother and there were some from mine . Panicking , I rang my mother who was almost frantic with worry . " I don 't know why . I just had to get away . I had to stop thinking . It was … I just couldn 't stand it any more . " " I don 't know . I really don 't know . It 's not as if Marc will know whether I 'm there or not . " " It would be better if I wasn 't anywhere near them for a while . " I surprised myself with how cold my voice was . I hated them . Every time I thought of Marc 's beautiful face twisted with fear and heard his screams in my head I hated them more . This was their fault . It was unnecessary and cruel . " I don 't know . You have no idea what it was like Mam ; what he was like . He was so scared and they … I … There was no need for this . There was never any need fodr it . They didn 't have to put him through this ; they shouldn 't have . I can 't … I don 't want to be around them right now , not when I hate them so much . " I stayed away for three days . Marc came through the surgery and they put him in a medical coma while his brain healed . I have never wanted to be somewhere so badly while not wanting to be there equally . The fact that his parents were there with him all the time made any question of giving way to my longing academic . I could not face them . They rang me from time to time and my parents begged me to speak to them , but I couldn 't . The thought of looking into their eyes and seeing pain there was too much for me because I knew that I couldn 't feel sympathy for them . I wanted to see pain there because no matter how much pain they were feeling it wasn 't anything like as much as Marc was … or at least had been . On the third day I was making a sandwich in the kitchen when there was a knock on the front door . I was alone in the house so I opened it . It was Jill Harmon . I wasn 't so far gone that I slammed to door in her face but I turned and walked away from her . She followed me into the kitchen . " Understand ? How could you possibly understand how I feel ? You weren 't there . You didn 't see him , you didn 't hear him scream . He didn 't deserve this . He didn 't … This didn 't have to happen . He didn 't have to get hurt like this . Why ? Why did you do it to him ? You knew what he would be like , how scared he would be , how he wouldn 't understand what was going on . Why did you do it ? Why did you do this to him ? " " Jamie … You weren 't here . You didn 't see what he 's been like , what 's been happening to him . You saw the Marc you used to know , not the one he 'd turned into . He 's … changed . " I almost spat at her . I have never hated anyone as much as I hated her in that moment . Maybe it wasn 't fair , even rational , but I had not been sleeping . I had lain awake for nights worrying about him , remembering him , and mourning him . " He hasn 't changed . The only thing that changed was you . You didn 't want to be burdened with him any more . " I saw her eyes widen with shock but I didn 't care . I pushed on . " You didn 't need to . I would have taken care of him . I would have mortgaged my soul to look after him . Once I started I couldn 't stop . " I promised to protect him . I promised that I would never let anything or anyone hurt him . I swore that I would always be there for him and you turned me into a liar . I had to hold his hand and let them hurt him . I had to watch him cry and scream and do nothing NOTHING . And it was all because of you . I hate you . I hate both of you . " " Of course I love him . I have always loved him . I would have done anything for him , anything ; and now … I don 't understand why you didn 't trust me , why you didn 't at least let me try . I would have taken care of him ; I wouldn 't have let anyone hurt him . I have never let anyone hurt him . " " I know you haven 't . I know that you have never been anything more than a wonderful friend to him . I know that you have been careful and honourable and I know it 's been tearing you apart . Can you imagine what it would have done to you if you had been living with him ? " I know you , Jamie . I know that you would never have compromised him and that you would have been happy to sacrifice your love and your life for him … but how long could it have lasted ? You couldn 't have lived like that for long without destroying one or other of you . " My head snapped up . " But even so . You could have told me . You could have told me you knew . We could have worked something out . There was no need for this . " " You have eyes , Jamie , a brain in your head . You saw the way that Marc reacted to you going away . You haven 't seen the half of it . It almost destroyed him . Did you really never wonder why ; why he had that strong a reaction to you leaving him ? And I don 't mean that as a criticism . " " He isn 't made of marble , Jamie . He 's a man . In every way except for his mind he 's a man . These last two years he 's changed , grown , grown up . You didn 't see it . To you he was the same Marc he always was , the little boy in the body of a man but he wasn 't , not any more . The little boy grew up Jamie . He has … feelings , emotions … urges . He … he was in love with you Jamie … he is in love with you and … " " No . No Jamie , it was nothing like that . It was when we realised that he was in love with you that we really started to think seriously about this . You are two beautiful young men and you are in love with each other . What kind of a cruel world would it be if you had to spend every day together and never be able to kiss , to touch , to be in love ? " And what would have happened when he couldn 't stop himself any longer , when the feelings overwhelmed him and he showed you how he feels ? What would have happened when he tried to kiss you or … or … ? How hard would you have fought him ? " " Yes , I 'm sure . " But was I ? I don 't know . I was in shock . Shaking my head I changed the subject . " Are you trying to tell me that you did this so that Marc and I could be together ? " The scorn was clear in my voice . I was not about to accept this at face value . " No , I 'm not saying that . I 'm saying that I did it because my son was desperately unhappy and all I could see was a future where he just got more and more so . And it didn 't help that someone I care very much about was about to ruin his life and any chance of happiness he may have had . " There was something in her voice that worried me . Why had she come now ? Why was she telling me this now ? Why did she want me to go to the hospital now ? " Why ? Is something wrong ? " I was scared and all thoughts of everything flew out of my head ; all there was room for was Marc . " No , there 's nothing wrong . He … he 's doing really well , surprising everyone . They took him off the breathing machine this morning and they 're reducing the drugs . The doctor said that maybe he would wake up soon and … and I … " I didn 't travel in the car with her . I wasn 't ready for that and I had a lot to think about . I almost flew to the hospital . A journey that had taken me two hours walking took less than 10 minutes in the car . Mr and Mrs Harmon looked up at me with expressions of uncertain relief . I ignored them , not because I was still angry but because I only had eyes for the beautiful boy who lay in the bed . I don 't know what I was expecting but it wasn 't this . He looked just the same . His face was relaxed and peaceful and his blonde curls bounced around his shoulders . Behind the bed the screen flashed its constant flow of indecipherable numbers and symbols . But apart from the plastic tubes that carried drugs into his arms there was nothing , nothing at all to say that he was anything other than sweetly asleep . He was even wearing his favourite black pyjamas . I had never let myself to appreciate how truly beautiful he is and once my eyes were opened I was dazzled . I just couldn 't help myself . I had to touch him ; to stroke his hair , his eyelids , his cheeks , his lips . Eventually of course I realised what I was doing and looked up in abject horror . Mr & Mrs Harmon were looking at me but not with censure . Their eyes were sympathetic , in fact misty with emotion . " I … I 'm sorry , " I mumbled , feeling acutely embarrassed , and before they had a chance to say anything I pressed on . " What have they said ? " " Physically he 's fine . The doctor said he could probably come home in a few days and in a week he 'll be back to normal . It 's just … " I stared at her for a moment and then looked at Marc . He was … the same . On the outside he was the same . I turned away . I couldn 't look at him any more . I was afraid that he would open his eyes and I wouldn 't know the person behind them . We were on the sixteenth floor and I felt as if I was floating above the city . There was a fabulous view across the city , all the way to the sea . There was a hover , floating above the waves , heading out of the bay . It was probably going to The Island . Marc has always loved The Island . We still go every year . It 's changed a lot since we first met on the balcony of the little wooden hut . The cabins are gone , replaced by ultra modern hotels and resorts . The arcade is gone too , replaced by rows of virtual reality pods . Marc never got the hang of those . He didn 't like doing anything completely alone . I didn 't like them either . To me they represented a trend towards seclusion that I neither understood nor embraced . But still - there were beaches where we swam or scrambled through rock pools . And there was the bluff where it seemed as if we were flying over the water . At sunset a track appeared stretching out towards the horizon so that it seemed almost as if it was possible to stand on it and walk on the water into the dying sun . I swear that if I hadn 't been with him there were times when Marc would have tried . He was always a sunrise and sunset person . I wondered if he still would be . I raised my eyes to the stars , which were just coming out . I have always loved the stars . When I was a child I used to really believe that one day I would travel to the furthest ones and touch them . I didn 't realise at the time that to even try would have meant instant death . As I grew older my passion remained but my dreams changed . I no longer dreamed of sailing among the stars because I knew there would be no possibility of Marc being there at my side . Instead I learned how to help send other people up there in the hope that one day a ship I helped build would take a part of me further than anyone had ever gone before . Maybe it wasn 't a very realistic dream , the chances of me ever finding employment with one of the four major producers being slim at best , nevertheless it was a dream . I was lost in the dream when I became aware of a soft voice calling my name . It took a few moments to orient on Mrs Harmon . She was smiling uncertainly and holding her hand out . Hesitantly I walked back across the floor . Marc was stirring and as I watched he yawned and tried to turn over onto his side . He has always preferred to sleep curled up on his side like a cat . " My Jamie , " he whispered , still smiling and I smiled back with tears in my eyes . At that moment I had no idea why I was crying . Maybe it was just knowing that he was okay , that he was still smiling , still calling me ' his ' Jamie . I don 't know … maybe it was more . Maybe it was because even then I knew that the Marc I knew had gone forever . " Hey sleepy . How are you feeling ? " I spoke to him in the same way I have always spoken to him , the same way I speak to everyone . He continued to smile but started to look a little confused . " I … " His eyes left mine and slid over the room behind me . Then they widened and filled with fear . " Jamie what … where … ? " he whispered half sitting up . " Ssh . Marc it 's alright . It 's alright . You 're in hospital . You had an operation . You 're fine now but you have to be calm okay ? " " Jamie … Jamie please help me . I … I can 't … I can 't … Jamie I 'm scared . I don 't know , Jamie … I don 't know . " He was begging and I didn 't really know what he was begging for . All I could assume was that he remembered how scared he had been before and didn 't know what was happening now . Although I did acknowledge the possibility that it was more , much more . " Ssh , Marc . Listen to me . Marc listen to me . " I forced my voice to be firm and he responded . I let go of his shoulders and put my hands on either side of his face , forcing him to look into my eyes . " It 's just us , Marc . I know it 's scary . I know you 're afraid . You didn 't understand what was happening to you and you still don 't but it 's alright . I 'm here and I 'm going to stay right here with you . I know that things are … strange but we are going to make it through … you and me … just like always . Just you and me Marc , okay ? " His eyes were enormous , huge pools of blue , full of fear and confusion . I could feel him trembling . His hands had come up to grip my arms and every part of him was shaking . " Marc , it 's alright . Just you and me . Nothing else . No one else . One step at a time . One step , Marc . Just calm down and focus on me . Just me okay ? " " That 's right . It 's always been you and me hasn 't it ? Right from the very beginning . Always . Just you and me . We 've had quite a journey and this is just another stop . Don 't you remember how we talked about the journey ; how we talked about travelling together ? Always together , remember ? " " I need to examine him , " the doctor said more quietly . " Physically he 's going to be fine so we have to concentrate on his mind now . It 's important that we find out what 's going on in there as soon as possible . We have to get to grips with the changes and help him deal with them right from the start or it might do irreparable psychological damage . " " The only thing that is causing him psychological damage right now is you . He was fine . He will be fine if you just leave us alone . " My voice was rising and I had to struggle to keep my anger under control . Marc was clinging to me and the last thing I wanted was to scare him even more . I just wanted to calm the situation down so that I could talk to him , reassure him . I couldn 't have cared less how much ' function ' he had or what the future was going to hold ; all I cared about was that Marc was scared and hurting right then and there and I wanted to stop it . " Marc , " the doctor said gently , sitting down on the edge of the bed , " I just want to talk to you . I 'm not going to hurt you , just talk . Will you talk to me ? " " Jamie … " he whispered and I looked down into his tear streaked face which was white as a sheet and terrified . " I don 't want to . I can 't . Please Jamie … help me … please . " " It 's alright , Marc . I told you … just you and me okay . It doesn 't matter about anyone else . It 's just you and me . " " That really isn 't important right now . I think that … Jamie ? … is right . The most important thing is that Marc settles down and relaxes . He needs to talk to someone that he trusts and it seems that right now the only person he trusts is Jamie . " He stood up . " I 'll come and talk to you again in a little while , okay ? I 'll let you talk to Jamie first . " " Is everything alright ? " Mrs Harmon asked , panic in her voice . It must have been really hard for her to see her child in such distress and then to be asked to walk away . I think she understood that the doctor didn 't want to talk to her as much as he wanted to make space for me to talk to Marc . When we were alone I gently disengaged Marc 's arms to allow me to get up onto the bed with him and he curled into my side . For a while I just held him and let him calm down . I simply stroked his hair in silence . After a time I thought he had fallen asleep and I was happy enough with that . I needed time to think . But I wasn 't going to get it . I froze , my heart thudding . That didn 't sound like Marc . It was one of the most complete sentences I had ever heard him speak and there was something in his voice that was … " It 's alright , Marc . You don 't have to think about that , not now . You need to rest . Look … make yourself a little bit more comfortable and you can have a sleep . Things will be better when you wake up . " " No , " he said simply and sadly . I didn 't know what he was saying ' no ' to and I didn 't want to ask . My mind cast around desperately trying to find something helpful to say . Shit ! That was unexpected . He 'd answered almost like a … as if … " Before . I mean before the surgery , what you were like ? " Fuck , that was stupid . How could I possibly expect him to understand that ? " I 'm sorry I 'm not making sense . I 'm really sorry , Marc . I 'm not helping very much am I ? " As he became calm something changed . I couldn 't have put my finger on it but there was something in him that … settled and … changed . There is no other way I can think of to explain it . I think maybe that the panic that had gripped him almost from the moment he opened his eyes was disappearing . Gradually he was letting himself accept that things were different . Looking back it was typical of Marc . He had always been methodical and careful but very passionate . When his passion overburdened him he simply stopped , calmed down and let his innate optimism and inner balance settle him . And that is exactly what he was doing right there and then . He wasn 't forcing it , trying to make sense of it , trying to understand it . He was simply waiting until he was calm , until he was able to get his balance back . He took a deep breath and let it out slowly locking his eyes with mine . " I 'm different Jamie . I remember how it was before , but I 'm different . " He shook his head , confusion etching deep crevasses into his beautiful face . He shook his head again and then , slowly , incredibly , breathtakingly his eyes widened and his slow , blinding smile crawled over his face . The smile flickered from joy to uncertainty and was like but unlike the beautiful light that I was used to shining from him and that confused me . " Jamie , " he said , a strange note in his voice . His eyes searched mine and they were so different they scared me . Marc 's eyes have always been beautiful , so expressive and loving but there had always been an … emptiness there , which had somehow been filled . " Shouldn 't you lie down ? " I asked but there was something in his face that made it come out uncertainly . He smiled but it was flickering as emotions flew through him . I used my firm voice but that time it had no effect on him at all . Before I could finish , he reached out his hand and touched my lips effectively stopping me . I was shocked and remember staring at him not knowing what to say , what to think , what to feel . If it had been anyone else I would have been feeling … excited . Uncertainly Marc bit his lip and lowered his eyes then he smiled again , slowly looking up through his lashes . I was scared rigid . Was he flirting with me ? I swallowed hard and licked my lips . That time the way he said it left no room for doubt at all . It was entirely unlike the way he had ever said it before . " Everything 's different , Jamie , everything . I 'm not … " A look of uncertainty passed over his face and he licked his lips . " It hurts … in a way . There 's too much … just too much , but … " Raising his eyes to meet mine again he captured me in their glittering depths and I jumped , startled when something touched my face . I was even more shocked when I found it was his hand . I was frozen as his long , cool fingers traced my jaw and slid into my hair . " It 's different , Jamie , my Jamie . " His eyes were smouldering and it was me who started to shake . " There 's no more ' can 't ' , no more ' shouldn 't ' , no more ' mustn 't ' . Can 't you feel it ? I always felt it but I didn 't understand it . Didn 't you feel it too ? " " Marc … you can 't ; we can 't . This isn 't the time or the place . Fuck … half an hour ago you were in a coma , four days ago you were … you were … and ten minutes ago you were freaking out . " " All true . But I have you , My Jamie . I 'm not scared any more . I don 't understand what happened to me . I don 't know what changed . I can remember what it was like before , what I was like before . It 's not clear , as if a curtain 's been drawn over it … or maybe it 's that the curtain has been torn away , but there are some things I remember . I remember you . I know how I felt and I know how I feel and I don 't have to … " He sat up straighter , wincing slightly . The screen behind me was flashing and making strange noises , presumably because I was pressing myself against it , half hoping I would sink through or that someone would come . I felt … wrong but the whole bloody thing was surreal . I have no idea why no one came . It can 't have been normal for that screen to be making noises like that . There must have been alarms going off somewhere . Maybe someone did come but I didn 't notice . I was completely mesmerised by Marc 's eyes . " I have always been told what to do and that 's okay . I needed it . I know I needed it . I have always been confused . Everything was … I didn 't understand . I didn 't understand anything ; well … almost . " " What … ? " It came out as a croak . I licked my lips and tried again . " Marc , I don 't know what to say , what to do . I don 't know you . " He frowned , looking crushed . " Don 't you like me any more ? Now that I can … understand you , don 't you want me ? " " Marc … no . It 's not … I love you . I 've always loved you . I will always love you , it 's just … " " Marc no ; it isn 't right . It just isn 't … " I didn 't get any further because the screen had completely failed to suck me in and there was no escape when Marc pressed his body against me and kissed me . At first I let my eyes fall closed , and my heart just about exploded in the sensations that washed over me . Then I resisted because I felt it was wrong . I couldn 't really have said why , not then , not with Marc like this but … And then there was nothing I could have done anyway because it all overwhelmed me and carried me away . Anyway … that was then and it 's all different now . It 's cold in here , really cold . I should have put the central heating on the clock . The weather is so changeable at this time of the year I shouldn 't have left it to chance . At the moment I 'm warm and cosy but I know that as soon as I throw off the duvet my breath will be misting the air . Bugger . Ah well . I have a few minutes left . I like to set the alarm early so that I can savour these last minutes of comfort and warmth . Today , more than any other day , I want to cling to it , to hide under the covers and not come out . Oh fuck I wish this day was over . The sound of someone hammering on the front door scares the living crap out of me . I throw off the duvet , completely disoriented and stub my toe on the chair , looking for my slippers . Abandoning them I hop down the stairs , shivering and cursing loudly . The hammering starts again . " Alright , alright . For fuck 's sake ! Give me a chance . I 've just got out of bed and I 'm freezing my fucking balls off . " I 'm going to kill them . They weren 't supposed to be here yet . I was supposed to have had at least another half an hour of peace and calm . " Alright . Fucking hell , will you just … " " Shit … " I stagger backwards as he throws himself at me , flicking the door closed behind him . I trip over the edge of the carpet and end up in an undignified heap on the floor with a grinning Marc on top of me . " Get off me , you fool . " " Yeah . " The smile fades from his face to be replaced by ' that look ' . I first saw it on the day he woke in hospital and I have seen it every day since . It 's a look that says ' I love you ' . " I know exactly how horrible it was . It 's never , ever going to happen again . " Gently he lowers himself onto me again and I hold him in my arms right there , in the middle of my hall , with my stubbed toe and bruised backside throbbing , and I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life . The sun is shining through the panel in the top of the door and it 's setting fire to his crown of gold . It 's longer than it has ever been , more waves than curls now , tumbling over his shoulders and framing his face with two golden curtains . He looks different than he did before : different but the same . Everything about him is different . For the first weeks every day was a shock . Who would have known that there was such a keen wit and intelligence hidden behind those vacant blue eyes ? He has always been a sponge that soaks up experiences but now he soaks up knowledge too . It took him a matter of weeks to learn to read and , more than that , to enjoy it to the extent that he consumes books rather than reading them now . He still retains his childlike innocence and excitement at all sorts of things , small and big . He kicks through leaves in the autumn , jumping and spinning and laughing when they crackle . Just before Christmas it snowed and he was wildly excited . Christmas is a season of total magic when he wakes me every day , bouncing . He dances in the rain and drags me out of bed to watch the sunrise . He 's a child , a man , an angel … and a wonderful lover . Very gently he brushes my face with his fingers . " My Jamie , " he murmurs in that way which is guaranteed to send shivers down my spine . As he bends to kiss me the front door which had not quite closed behind him bursts open and the hall seems full of people . Someone catches Marc around the waist and tears him out of my arms , swinging him away from me . Marc grins at his sister and throws his arms around her . " Don 't be cross with me Jude . I just wanted one little kiss . I was afraid I was going to burst if I didn 't . " Alex , my best friend and best man stands over me with his hands on his hips looking down at me with a frown on his face . " Are you seriously insane ? Tell me you 're not actually going to marry into that family . " The nascent grin fades and he nods his head . " I know . And he takes you seriously too . Now get your fat arse off the floor and go have a shower so we can find a way of squeezing it into your suit . You 've got so fat lately . " Two hours , a hover ride and car journey later , I skirt a bush and almost literally walk into a complete stranger . We had agreed that we wanted to walk in together and that we would meet in our favourite place . I stop and my heart literally turns over in my chest . His eyes are almost exactly the same colour as the sky behind his head . He is dressed in the same suit as I am , the grey highlighting the blue of his eyes and the pale gold vest making his golden hair glow . I have never seen him look more beautiful , never , and the most beautiful thing about him is the look in his eyes . He slips his arm around my waist and we stand together , on the lip of the bluff , looking down towards the beach where we can see a crowd gathering around the white tent which has been erected on the sand just above the tide line . It 's typical of Marc that he wants to do this outside , on the beach , in the early spring . It 's also typical that the sun is smiling on him … on us .