Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy who fell in love . The girl was nearly seventeen to the boy 's nearly twenty years of age . No one really expected them to stay together ; their first two years were pretty good , but they hit their rough patch with very little grace and dignity . The girl resorted to making sure that everyone knew their business , and the boy took everything in stride . Even though the girl had commitment issues , having seen families surrounding her torn apart over the years , she still found herself coming back to that boy every time . Maybe she felt that she was a glutton for punishment , or that she was just too scared to move on . One fact remained true : it was harder to push away from one another completely because of how close as friends the two were . They had clicked in a way that before they truly knew they were going to be in a relationship , they would be great friends first and foremost . The secrets and memories shared together rivaled those of even her best friends . Regardless , the couple continued on in their cycle of on - again , off - again . But then , one day , something happened to change their lives . They were nowhere near perfect for one another , but for whatever reason they were still together . On that day they were on again , and in what the girl would refer to as " a good place " . However , there was the lingering thoughts of what this would mean for them as they both stared down in shock at the positive pregnancy test before their very eyes . Once they had settled down , and the nerves had ended there had only been one thing left to say : " If you want to leave , I understand . If you don 't want to have a child together , I understand . Just realize that I will have this child , once this child is born and knows you as its father you can 't back out . " He never backed downed , and she changed her tune . She saw him for what he truly was in those few months leading up to the birth of their daughter . She had been wrong all along - - and she even admitted to it . While she knew she loved him to some degree she had never fully admitted to how much she loved him . It wasn 't until she saw him hold their daughter that something in her clicked ; she was tired of feeling as though she had to rely on only herself anymore . She was tired of worrying about the future instead of living in the present . She was tired of denying how much she truly loved the boy she had been with for years . That 's how it all started . It didn 't start with a bang , but a fizzle . From the day I saw Trey as a father instead of a lover was the day I knew this man was the man to spend the rest of my life with . It took years to get to that point , to finally admit to something I was so scared of doing . His dedication to our family from the beginning had me , and I demanded a year later that he marry me . Alright , so maybe " demanded " isn 't the best word to use , but I persisted . Forgetting tradition , I told him we were engaged and when we would be married . The two weeks leading up to our wedding were what I would have considered a rough patch then . I even said : " I don 't care how you truly feel about me right now , but I expect you to tell me I 'm beautiful and love me on our wedding day . " I don 't know why people expect that the love doesn 't go away in a relationship , but I 'm here to tell you that IT DOES . There will be so many days , weeks , months where you can go without truly loving someone the way you did when you first met , first kisses , etc . Trey and I went through weeks where we barely spoke ; not because we were mad at one another , but because we just lost interest in one another . Even through that we kept going , though . We promised ourselves we would not go out without a fight to the end . And last year it seemed as though the fighting had begun . Maybe it wasn 't the rough patches between each other that were the real threat , but it was the threat of having lost his grandmother and my brother . It changed us , it brought out the worst in us - - we were brokenhearted people trying to help mend each other 's hearts . It was causing a rift because we were so down on ourselves , and so out of it . Then add an incident that got blown out of the roof and threatened to tear us apart - - we were still so broken then , and it only caused a bigger rift . Our ship , so it seemed , was unsinkable though . We made it through , we forgave one another , and we mended each other 's hearts the best we knew how . It was the discussions and talks we had on a regular basis with one another ; the no - hold bars of deep conversation that kept us together . If one of us felt down , the other would talk us through it . We fought through it , and we came to a good place . Then Jude happened . Handsome , wonderful Jude . My baby boy . Another loss , another chance for us to be torn to pieces - - but it turned out differently this time . Oh , I cried . I cried many times in those first couple of nights , but it was Trey there to comfort me every step of the way . He told me it was okay to cry , and okay to talk to him whenever I began to feel the slightest bit of sadness . It was Trey that made me see the bright side of things . We had been close before Jude , yes , but never as close as we were now . It 's 12 : 24 am as I write this , overcome with love for the man who not only gave me a new hope for my future , but also helped me reach goals I never expected for myself . He was there in the worst of times just as much as the best of times . He helped me start a family that I adore and love beyond words . Our marriage might not always be perfect like this , but tonight it is perfect . One of my bucket lists is to read the entire Harry Potter series to Lillian when she gets old enough to enjoy them . However , when I got to thinking " what if I 'm not around when she 'd old enough ? " I had a moment where I panicked . I hadn 't thought about it at that angle until today . It 's a constant struggle for me not to think about the what ifs in life , and with Jude gone so suddenly I can 't help it . I can 't imagine my life without my Kidlet in it , but I never thought - - until tonight anyway - - about how she would cope if I wasn 't in hers . So I had the bright idea to record myself reading a chapter each night before bed , one video per chapter . Then once I have those I 'll put them on an external hard drive and store them away - - I 'll even store them on DVDs and replace them if they get damaged . Basically , I will constantly be making sure that these videos make it in the future . Somehow this entire idea seems very , very precious to me . Even if I 'm around to read them to her out loud later in her life , I can imagine her looking at them on occasion when I 'm not around . I don 't always have tomorrow . Will I live like I do ? Of course , but I won 't pretend that it can 't happen . I don 't have very many videos where I hear my brother , Chris , talking . The ones I do are often ones where he is behind the camera . I still cherish those videos despite how silly most of them are . So I feel like I need to do this ; me , and even my husband if he agrees , in front of the camera doing something we love to do . Today has been hard ; maybe not as hard as the previous few days , but it 's still been rough . I woke up feeling sick with a sore throat , and it seemed as though my daughter had planned all along to drive me nuts with her bad attitude . My hormones are still completely out of whack , just as I expected , but I wish I could just go back to " normal " in that department . It 's becoming harder and harder not to simply break down in front of Lillian when she gives me attitude . I did manage , though . I was harsh , but not too harsh and I think I only did it when I knew it was needed . The truth is , I 'm not sure anymore what is the right way and what is the wrong way . For months , even before I got pregnant with Jude , I became detached from everything around me . I would zone out for hours on end if I could , and I stopped being the mother I had expected to be . I was depressed , I was stressed out , and I was angry . I felt like everything I had done had failed , and that I wasn 't worth anything to anyone ; even my own family . I 'm terrified now that I 'm going to go back to being that same person . It took having my son 's life taken away for me to realize that my recent " normal self " was not the real me . I 'm not sure what all caused it in the end to happen like that , but I have my suspicions . My life shouldn 't be a sob story because I have a beautiful family , a husband that loves me even at the worst of times , and a beautiful daughter that is as smart as a whip . With people tugging me this way and that , telling me all kinds of things I just don 't want to listen to or deal with right now , I 've found so much comfort in my husband recently than I have in months . It 's those talks with him that have really made me realize that there has to be some changes in my life . I will never be the same person I was before Jude was taken from me , and I 'm okay with that because that wasn 't me . I can fake it all I want to other people , but I haven 't been myself in a long time . It 's time to change . I 'm not sure what kind of changes will take place , but since there are so many paths I 've wondered if I should take I suppose a little experimenting wouldn 't hurt . Maybe I 'll go back to school , maybe I 'll go back to work , maybe I 'll continue to stay at home and be better than I was before ? I 'm determined now to change . On Monday morning , at 5 : 45 we made our way to the hospital for our scheduled appointment that was set at 6 : 30 . At least , I was supposed to be admitted at 6 : 30 anyway . We get there and I go to the Admissions office . There is only one woman there , and she seems to be taking her sweet time with a couple sitting there . I 'm not sure if she really was taking her sweet time , but I was just so anxious and my nerves were so shot I was feeling like everything was going too slow . When I finally got to talk to her , she told me I 'd have to go to the ER and be admitted there . So she handed me a slip of paper and sent me on my way . I should have remembered that my OB , Dr . Harper , told me to go through the ER entrance . That was my bad , but when I got to the ER they informed me I should go to Outpatient Surgery . I couldn 't help but laugh as we went to Outpatient Surgery , explained our situation , and then have all hell break loose . " Dr . Harper isn 't here and we don 't have you scheduled . " They were supposed too , I said . And Dr . Harper was supposed to be here . " Oh , okay , I see . You need to go back to ER to be admitted . " - - after a ton of calls we went back to the ER and I told them my name . Well , my name was being listed under my maiden name for some reason , and that 's why they didn 't catch the problem in the first place . So with that little drama out of the way , I went up to L & D and got into my room . The nurses came in about 15 - 20 minutes later and lo and behold - - the computer wasn 't coming on . They could not log me in . They also could not find anything that should have been stocked in the room and ready to go . Through these moments I began to have a panic attack , and I began to shake uncontrollably . But even through that , I laughed over the technology screwing up and nothing going right so far . I began to hum " Manic Monday " in my head , and even continued to tell the nurses it was " just another manic Monday . " We were moved to a room down the hall , and had the same problems at first . My nurse Pam , God bless her soul , was getting frustrated with everything going wrong that day . I remember them all smiling when I turned to Pam , smiled and told her : " Don 't get frustrated , take a deep breath . Count to ten . Things will work out . " and my wonderful husband , Trey , who couldn 't help but laugh over the fact that I was now trying to calm my nurses ' nerves down rather than worry about my own . That seemed to be the theme for the day ; even through my anxiety and the shaking I began to worry about everyone else but myself . After the computer began to work and I was settled in for the long haul my parents and husband mentioned wanting breakfast , and even though Trey said he would stay with me I began to scold him and tell him that I would be fine for 30 minutes by myself . So my mom mentioned staying , and it was through consistent : " Are you sure ? " conversations that I finally managed to kick them out of the room long enough to eat . I even had the time to tell my husband to eat , but not eat a heavy meal , since I know how sensitive his stomach is in the mornings . Hours passed by with very little to show for it except a pretty consistent , dull ache in my abdomen . We watched a lot of TV in those hours ; everything from Price Is Right to Judge Mathis . Apparently , you can get a lot of money if you sue someone because their dog killed your goat . When the pain began to build up a bit more , I asked for some medicine to help me get through it . I could have lasted longer , but along with the pain came a throbbing headache that really knocked me for a loop . When they brought me some pain medication and told me that it would make me feel drunk and dizzy " for a bit " they had not been lying ! The thing is , it did not last " for a bit " . I had told them I was medicine intolerant since normally , at home , I won 't take medicine for pain unless I really feel I can 't handle it on my own . So once the effects of the drug began , I was pretty out of it . I just remember that I was talking a lot , but everything around me seemed out of sync . Especially my mouth ; I felt like I sounded drunk . I 'm sure I did since half of the time my husband and parents were trying to hide grins from me after I would say something . I also remember hearing a baby crying in another room . It was at that moment that I turned to my husband and saw the pain in his eyes . I told him that the sound would kill me , and he began to complain that there should be " another wing of the hospital " for " people in our situation " . It seemed from then on things began to progress pretty quickly , but it still took hours . Before I knew it I was ready to push , and Dr . Harper came in to help me . My nurses relayed my request to Dr . Harper , who agreed and they began to prep me . Now , I was scared with Lily but I don 't remember being this scared . The shaking became almost unbearable , and my entire body felt as if it went into lock down . I was afraid I would never stop long enough to push , but somehow I did . It only took two pushes , and it was over . They took my baby away long enough to examine , and Dr . Harper came back . " It appears to be a boy , " She told me , but that was not all she had to say . " We can take him to get tested if you want , but we found his umbilical cord wrapped three times tightly around his leg . That appears to be why his heart stopped . " I went limp . I began to cry , but at the same time some sort of peace washed over me . I could see my handsome little Jude Raleigh Wheeler every time I closed my eyes . I had a dream about him , about what he would look like , a few days previous to coming into the hospital . He was still smiling just as much as he had in my dreams . I declined the testing ; I knew nothing was wrong with him . He was a healthy boy . He had just gotten himself all caught up . It was just an accident , and it was clear to me that there was nothing I could have done any better to keep it from happening . So I asked to hold my handsome boy , but I asked that they cover him . I knew what he looked like as my healthy boy , and I did not want to lose that image to another . He had shown me his face in my dreams , and that was good enough for me . So he was laid on my chest , and it was the most awkward holding I 'd ever dealt with . It 's not that I didn 't know what to do , but between him being so tiny and the drugs making my body weak I just could not get a good enough hold on him . As he laid on my chest I could feel him near , as well as a few others I had no seen in a while . I could not see them , I could not hear them , but I could feel them there with me . My brother was one of those that I could feel near . It was a huge comfort to me , and the tears slowly stopped coming . In all honesty , I thought that it would take weeks to find out what had happened , and what the sex of the baby would have been . I had expected to play another waiting game , and that is one of the things that I felt would hurt the worst . So having such a clear understanding of what happened , of who my baby boy was , shocked me and at the same time made me so relieved I wasn 't sure how to react . The tears would still come , but it was not as hard to say goodbye as I thought . Because my mother was there , and because I felt this need inside of me , I told her she could hold him if she wanted . I knew she needed to say goodbye in the same way I did ; by holding him close . She stood over me , prayed over him , and then went to rock him for a moment . My husband , though he was hurting , could not bring himself to hold his son . I reassured him that I understood completely his decision ; he and I both have different ways of coping , and I knew there was no reason for force him into something he didn 't want to do . We called for the nurses to come and take our little Jude away , and Dr . Harper asked me if I had any specific plans . Jude was too young to donate to science , like I would have liked , but I knew that we would be saying our final goodbye to him in the hospital and nowhere else . It just felt like the right thing to do ; I had no plans outside of the hospital and trying to figure things out would just cause more stress and pain for my family than I wanted . So I was okay , and I had no regrets , with letting the hospital handle him . I knew they would take good care of him and treat him with the respect he deserved . Not too soon after I was wheeled down to the 2nd floor ; the doctors and my family had decided that it might be better for me not to be on the 4th floor with the mother 's who had their babies ; it was a good call on their part , since I had been so out of it and so tired I could barely speak . They settled me into my room for the night , and one of the nurses brought me a turkey sandwich . I did not realize how hungry I was until I began eating the sandwich . Trey even ordered some pizza to be delivered to our room because we were both so hungry . The food helped to bring me back to a state that I could walk back and forth to the bathroom without falling over . When my father - in - law called my husband answered it , but Trey was just too exhausted and frustrated to really talk about what we had just gone through . Somehow , I got the phone from Trey and talked to my father - in - law about everything that had happened ; I explained everything to him , and yet I felt so at peace that I did not feel any need to cry or meltdown . I figured the medication was just that good , or I was just too tired to be able to think . Around 10 : 30 that night my sister - in - law called me up , mid - meltdown , and Trey and I had to reassure her that it we were okay , and that everything would be fine in the end . I realize now , now that the drugs have worn off , why I felt so at peace that night . You see , every time I dosed off I would wake up to a baby crying or cooing . It took me a few times to register that there were no babies on the 2nd floor , and that the sound was coming from inside the room . I 've always believed in ghostly being and the like ; my daughter saw my brother the morning after he died playing in a sandbox , and I had seen many things in my own home the first three weeks after he died as well , including seeing a shadow form of him . So when I realized that the noises coming from inside were not from the TV ( it was on mute ) but from my baby boy , sleep became easier and more serene . It was like he was telling me : " It 's okay , mommy . I don 't hurt anymore . " and it made everything better . He was there that night , and I cherished it with every ounce of my being . By morning I was ready to go . I felt okay except for being a bit lightheaded , and the drugs I had been on the day before was still in my system . I told my husband it felt like I was tripping out , and by the time I was released and in the car with Trey I realized how much was truly still in my system . The paranoia of how fast he was driving , how close he was to other cars , etc . was just too much . I had to lay back and close my eyes throughout most of the trip home . However , as we left the hospital I felt like I had left something there ; it felt as if a tiny piece of my heart and soul had been taken from me . I suddenly felt heavy and the peaceful Brooke started to fade away . Even though I still feel that way after being home , I know that things will be okay . I can sit here and cry , and mourn for my Jude , but I can also sit here and feel at ease knowing that I have a beautiful baby girl who 's missed her mommy . It 's really helped me throughout the day , but there is never a promise that things will be okay tomorrow . I 'm just going to take it a step at a time , a day at a time . This past weekend has been the most difficult time for myself and my husband . Let me start out by saying I have an amazing family ; I have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter . We had not planned to add to our family anytime soon , but apparently fate had other plans for us . We got pregnant back in March , and I discovered that this pregnancy was not going to be the cake walk that it was with my firstborn . Oh , how I wish I could go back to my first trimester and relive those moments of morning sickness , total exhaustion , and irritability ! On Wednesday , June 27th , I went to the ER with some minor bleeding and back pain . I came out confused ; the doctor had said that she couldn 't detect a heartbeat , but informed me that since she wasn 't in the ultrasound room it was hard for her to detect because it " wasn 't in real time " . Um , so then you couldn 't detect it or the ultrasound tech couldn 't either ? Apparently , the ultrasound tech couldn 't tell me anything , as it was against the doctor 's policy . I was very confused and frustrated , but told myself I 'd wait for the following day to go to the OB - GYN visit I was scheduled for . My heart stopped , my breath caught in my throat . This was just one of those unreal moments and I was in a state of shock . At first I didn 't cry , and I couldn 't say anything . I just sat there looking at the screen at the little baby and tried to search for a sign of life . Maybe the tech was wrong , and would find it in a second ? Maybe the machine was broken ? Maybe , maybe , maybe . . . It 's hard any way you look at it , but it 's especially hard when you had some expectations that would never be met . My brother had died back in August , and my hope for this baby was to bring some life back into our family ; remind us that life goes on and everything will be okay , but this wasn 't the case . Not only did I lose my brother last year , but now not even a whole year later I lose a child . My baby , my Rose or my Jude , will never get to experience the joys and sorrows of life on Earth . I will never get to see my second child grow up and be the man or the woman I hoped for . Tomorrow morning I go into the hospital to take some medicine that will help speed up the process of making me miscarry this beautiful baby . I 'm petrified ; not of the procedure , not of the pain , but what comes after . Will I make the right choices for my baby ? Will I live with this guilt the rest of my life ? I 'm the type who wants to plan ahead , and now the carefully laid plans I had have been taken from me .