Friday I had to go to Wound Care again - what a lovely day it was . Eddie left in the morning for work with clouds a bit of rain ; when he came home to pick me up , the sun was out . For the first time in a long time , I had the car window open and it felt quite warm . More rain today and tomorrow , then they promise the sun for several days - does Mother nature agree ? We will see . I am back wrapped up again - my legs swelled again - and wouldn 't you know , my compression socks arrived and were sitting in the mailbox as we drove out . Well , I won 't be wearing them for a couple of weeks , then I will take them with me to have them help me learn how to put them on . This means spit and duck baths again ; so far the hair doesn 't look too bad . It does tend to stick up a bit when I get up in the morning , I will have to run the shower with my head in to have the steam tame those wonky parts . I have an appointment on Wednesday afternoon to remove sutures , then I can lean over the shower chair and wash my hair at least . My forehead has been numb since the first plastic surgery , yet at times I feel it tingling , sometimes as if something is walking on my head . It is an odd sensation but not unpleasant . I asked the doc about it last Monday before surgery , he said it will take a long time to go back to normal . I expected that answer because I found that with the hip incision . It was numb and I would get sharp pricks when I least expected it - that was unpleasant . Seems to be fairly normal now , four years later . I am determined to drive again after Wednesday , I don 't like being so dependent - at least I can see a lot better now , that makes a difference . When Eddie comes back from the Car Museum , he is taking me to Bartell 's - it is sometimes difficult to explain to him what I want . I think he is very uncomfortable buying " lady things " , but does a pretty good job . Yesterday was fairly sunny and when Eddie came home from shopping , he had hamburgers with him . He decided to start the BBQ season and I noticed Eric across the street had his big grill on his deck . Eddie said he could smell someone else getting ready to BBQ . We have had such a lot of wind and rain this winter , it feels good to look forward to spring . Each time I go out , I see new things blooming - I almost feel I am missing out on spring . The Scillas in the beds have abundant leaves up and it will be fun to see all the lavender flower stems blooming . The grape hyacinths are blooming , not as many this year and the two clumps of yellow daffodils on the bank are doing well My sister Ellen on the Jersey Shore has had rain , snow , sun and wind - I 'm so glad she sends photos of them . The last photo I enclosed in the blog is now a painting - she is so talented ! She is able to show the ocean in so many different moods and colors - so amazing . I have been so self absorb in myself lately , both my sisters reminded me March 24th would be Dad 's 102nd birthday . I also thought about September 24th , Mom 's birthday - it will be her 98th . In 2018 , it will be her 100th birthday and that year was as eventful as Dad 's in 1914 - so many historic things happened that changed the world during those years . Because they met , fell in love and married , my sisters and I are a part of this changing world . They gave us so many gifts - being loved and wanted , integrity , respect for other people , discipline , manners - so many things that have given me a strong foundation . ( I won 't speak for my sisters ) I am grateful for all of it , they were very loving parents . I have been sleeping a lot , though I still feel draggy , I need to walk a bit every day - exercise needs to be part of being rested . I have hesitated to go outside and walk up and down the sidewalk because I don 't want to trip and fall . Now that I can wear my glasses better , I am willing to give it a try . Windy and stormy is conducive to walking outside - I seem to have missed the worst of the weather during my captivity . Yesterday morning at 4 : 50 my Mom died peacefully in her sleep . She had her 96th birthday last month and she finally was ready to let go and make her transition . We had a call shortly after from Judy , her caregiver to tell us Mom had died . It was part expected and in part startled me . Since the doctor had said she was going into the last stages of dementia , I didn 't know how long she would be with us . It is a relief and also upsetting ; even though I knew Mom didn 't want to be here , that she missed my Dad and her cat Josephine . Judy asked if I wanted to see her body , but I said No ; I wanted to remember her the way she was when I saw her Friday - fast asleep under the covers , looking warm and comfortable and holding the weighted baby doll . I am not sure what I am feeling or what I need or want - I feel at sixes and sevens , sort of wandering around wondering what I am supposed to do . I called my sisters to let them know , I spoke to Ellen and had to leave a message for Candy because she wasn 't available . Eddie had a conference he was helping put on and there was no need for him to stay home . I think it helped him concentrate on that rather than Mom . I went to my Breakfast Networking Group - Julia asked why I was there . I didn 't want to be at home . I 'm so glad I went , this group of people have been there to support , encourage and help me through some difficult times - they are close friends rather than just people with businesses I network with every Wednesday . I 'm having trouble settling to anything - I quit writing this because I couldn 't keep going - usually I go into a flow once I start writing . I 've been wondering if writing it out would help - not really sure any more . I tried having a lie down , to possibly sleep ; didn 't happen . I know I am tired - probably exhausted , but sleeping is not working out very well . It took me a while to get to sleep last night - then I noticed how stiff and uncomfortable I was . Not sure what is going on . After Breakfast Club I went to see Judy . She told me Mom was very different on Tuesday , she noticed changes that weren 't there before - she recognized it probably wouldn 't be too long . She checked on Mom quite often that night and then Mom was gone . She reassured me that I had done everything I could for Mom and that she feels the loss as well . She loved my Mom , as she loves all the residents as long as they are there . It is difficult for her to see them go . I have tried to tell Judy as often as I can how much I appreciate her , all that she did for Mom and to thank her . She told me many times that it made such a difference for her to be appreciated - I don 't think too many do that . She said Mom was a darling and everyone in the house loved her . I came home and found a voicemail from Candy - I 'm sorry I wasn 't able actually talk to her . I called the Allens and also John and Luzma to tell them . I ended up checking my emails and then had a cup of tea and a pear for lunch . I suddenly felt very sleepy , so I went to lie down for a bit - I think I slept but then the tea kicked in and She Who Must Be Obeyed let me know I needed to get up and use the bathroom . I went down again for a bit , then Luzma came by . John had told her when she woke up . We hugged each other and we sat and talked for a while - she will definitely miss Mom . She remembers how kind Dad was to her , accepting her and treating her well . She loved Mom , she said she was like a grandmother to her . Their shared their gardens and many other things . I decided I needed to do something , so I worked on the expenses for the business , I have let it go for too long . it seemed to be the only things I could concentrate on . Suddenly John and Luzma reappeared , carrying flowers . She said she knew Mom loved her rose and she thought the house should be filled with roses . There is one vase is small roses in a deep pink , one vase with red roses and a third vase with apricot roses . The last vase had white daisies - plus a balloon . In each vase is a lovely butterfly . ( I 'll put the pictures in another post ) . They told me to call them for whatever I need - as soon as I know , I will . While they were here Eddie called , he was on his way home from the conference , it didn 't last as long as he thought . I was glad to see him when he came home . We just had tea and bread - it was later than we usually eat and we were both tired . I left a message for June , one of the domino ladies and also called and talked to Kathy . I know there are people to tell but I can 't quite think of them at the moment . That was Day 1 . I didn 't write my sisters about Wednesday until the next day - I needed to digest it for a bit first . I also needed to meet Mom at the Center to take her for a haircut . Last time she was fast asleep through all of it , not this time . She was sleepy and holding on to her plush lion , but she was a bit more with it . Lisa put the plastic shield around Mom and the lion so Mom would have something to hold . She wasn 't all that happy about having it washed , I had to put a towel around her forehead because the headpiece let water run down into her face . She didn 't like the shampoo - at one point tried to bite Lisa . Unfortunately she wasn 't able to really get her hair clean because Mom was so feisty . She cut Mom 's hair and then put her under the dryer to dry it as much as she could . Mom was not happy under the dryer , I was sitting next to her and put my hand on her arm and let it know it was all right . Then she held my hand while the dryer was going , at times she got agitated and I just told her it 's fine . Lisa fluffed her hair some - interesting to see the back curly and the front very straight . She said it happens with geriatric patients , some parts will curl , others won 't . Certainly Mom was glad it was over . I took her back upstairs to get ready for lunch . I asked Sherry , the receptionist , if it was possible to see Dr . Myre , I wanted to collect my hug . Instead of phoning , she must have written an email because Dr . Myre came out quite quickly . Not only did I get one hug , I had several strong ones from her . She is very comforting and understanding - I , of course got teary and drippy . Seems to be the case a lot lately . She said I was doing a great job being there for my Mom and it helped to hear that . Many of my friends and my sisters have continually told me that - it is good to hear since the old " beat myself up " program keeps intruding . It says I haven 't done it perfectly and not done all I could - that voice will always tell me I didn 't do it perfectly or enough . So I am learning to release the need for that and to know I am enough . I left and went to see my acupuncturist because I felt the sore , scratchy throat starting again . Probably would have been smart to go Tuesday and nip it in the bud . I made an appointment for Friday as well . Seems as if lately everything is coming at once , with not much time in between to regain my balance . I 'm not sure it is supposed to come in separate intervals . When I worked in department store , it was either everyone came at once or it was very quiet . Friday I went to visit Mom , I wondered if she would be wiped out after the haircut . She was fast asleep in ned , holding on to the weighted baby doll Char gave to Mom . Judy said she likes to have something to hold , keeps her hands occupied . I didn 't want to wake her up , but I did tell her I love her and that Ellen and Candy send their love . I knew I would get too teary if I stayed much longer , so I left and headed over for my acupuncture appointment . It 's been an odd week , Eddie was home Wednesday because the archives were closed and he wanted to get another shirt from the Car Museum . I went to Breakfast Club , then came home because I had to work on an order for calculators . He assumed I would come with him and seemed a disappointed I didn 't . The Friday he had the day off because he was going to go to the venue for the PNAA Defense Conference to show Lisa the layout . I didn 't get home until after 1 , he wanted to know what kept me . Trouble is , he assumes when he takes a day off , I am available to play . I usually have been but now with new things going on , it isn 't possible and he has to adjust . Funny how things change , then change again . We also have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past 3 weeks or so . He had a bad cold and didn 't want to give it to me , then I had the coming down with something - neither wanted to give it to the other . Friday we finally got together again , though we are being careful because we don 't really know if either of us is contagious or not . I also wrote an email to the Northwest Schooner Society to see if they were interested in the models and Dad 's old wood working tools . I had a nice email and Kitty wrote back saying they would be very interested . I email pictures and she said they were gorgeous . So now we are working on a day for her and her helpers to come and pick things up . I told her the box may be a bit heavy , that I would check with my next door neighbor to see if they would be around to help . They are a young , just married couple living in the lower level of Bob and Delores 's house - Cameron is their grandson - I think their son Jerry 's son - and his wife Kika . We saw them last night - they were locked out and came for the key - and they are willing , it just depends on when . Plus my radio show - I have 2 guests lined up and working on a third . Still no sponsors but I have given a couple of people the information . I am getting ready to publish my website for the show - it will be rough and needs refining . Late yesterday afternoon , Mom 's doctor called . She said that Mom was about to turn a corner into the last stages of dementia . She said Mom has lost weight , isn 't really interested in eating and she had two spots beginning on her bottom . Not wanting to eat and losing weight means she doesn 't have her systems working very well , so making sure she doesn 't get sores will be a big priority . She will continue to go to the Center for as long as it benefits her , then they will have to have another doctor see her at the home . Just because of distance . She wanted to ask if I would like to have Comfort Care for Mom from now on . It is their hospice type of care . It means it will be easier for Judy and Didi so that went something happens , they don 't have to call 911 . There will be people to come and decide what works best for Mom - it is for the times when the Center isn 't open . Dr . Myre said she couldn 't predict how long , especially since Mom is still strong . It could be 6 months , it could be more . She said Mom 's brain isn 't connecting to her body very well - she probably won 't be walking any more and at some point she will be bedridden . She has noticed Mom has declined a lot - I 've noticed it the last 2 or 3 weeks . I went to see Mom on Monday , but she was very sleepy and a bit cranky , so I didn 't stay . Last Friday she spoke so softly I couldn 't hear her and she was very sleepy . I went in the afternoon because Judy thought she might be more awake in the afternoon . When I come in the morning she has had her meds and right about then , they kick in . She also doesn 't seem to know me , so that may be how it will be from now on . I am going up to the Center today to take Mom downstairs for a haircut . Dr . Myre said she didn 't like telling me over the phone about it and if I had been there she would have given me a hug . I said I would be there today , I will collect my hug . It 's hard . Yet Mom has been ready to go for a long time . A geriatric doctor friend says that when they stop eating , it 's a sign they are ready to let go of life . Palliative care ( Comfort Care ) is a very wonderful thing . They are focused on making Mom comfortable , and helping the entire family deal with the transition as the patient enters Hospice Care . Hospice ( and Medicare coverage ) begins ( according to Dr . Jeannie ) when the patient cannot walk , talk , or feed herself . You will have a dedicated team available there to see Mom through this . You have already created a stellar safety net to take Mom through the final stages of life . Hospice care opens more resources for Mom , and for you . It is also totally covered by Medicare , freeing you to focus on walking with Mom through this process of releasing . Hospice people are great , so take advantage of the things they offer . They know so much about this part of the process and are deeply tuned into the spiritual aspects of dying , as well as the practical physical aspects . It is very disorienting to see someone so powerful in our lives become so weak , and to disappear as the dementia progresses . At the same time , there is a strange liberation , because all the old rules don 't seem to apply any more . This transition time is not only about Mom making her exit from the planet . It is an opportunity for all of her children to be " born again " and reinvent our lives . The life we knew is dying , but new life is continually being born . And from my older sister : Thanks for the update on your mom . I 'm frankly not too surprised ( having been down this road before ) , but I know it 's hard . Do make sure they keep after those sores ; no sense making her uncomfortable , if you can help it . My mom had those , too , but of course she was bedridden for quite a long time before she died - as in about 4 years - so it wasn 't to surprising . However , the fact that your mom is losing weight can mean not only disinterest in food but a gradual slowing down of organs , tummy not as able to absorb nutrients , etc . Be prepared - there may come a point when she refuses to eat at all , and that will be her choice , but it 's hard to deal with . I think Comfort Care is an excellent idea ; we had that for my mom , too , and it really does help . They can help you anticipate the changes you will see from now on , and that will help you be somewhat prepared . I hope you collected that hug ! If I were there , I would give you one , too , although today you probably wouldn 't want me to - overnight I have developed a full - blown head cold ! ! It started with a sore throat yesterday , and BOOM ! here it is … . . sniffing , dripping , sneezing , etc . I took a Claritin , and that has helped a little , but not enough ! Believe me , I am so glad I have begun to ask for help and let others know what is happening . I have been glad I don 't have to do it by myself . Plus , when I have opened up to other people , I have been amazed to find so many others with the same kind of situation . Even so , it isn 't a cakewalk . Today is the 100th anniversary of Clayton Moore 's birthday - otherwise known as The Lone Ranger . I remember watching it as a kid - I also named my stick horse Scout - Tonto 's horse . Interesting how things this year have reminded me of my Dad . I may not write about my Dad in chronological order , sometimes certain things come to mind that may be out - of - order . I think my first memory was about 3 or 4 years old , in the Manhattan Beach house . I have vague memories and pictures in my mind of chasing trains . I remember being at the front closet to get coats and go see trains , where I have no idea . My older sister Ellen might remember . I also remember walking on the tracks with my sister and Dad - used to frustrate me no end that I kept slipping off but my sister walked the tracks with no trouble . From my younger point of view , she always did things better than I did . Ellen and I would play stick horses together , a long square stick that we tied thin rope at the top for reins . At one point , Dad took his jigsaw and cut out heads to put at the top - mine was painted like Tonto 's Scout , can 't remember what Ellen had . We enjoying playing with them , I know we played in the back yard but whether we went in the street I don 't remember . Again , just pictures in my mind . When Dad decided to accept a job with Boeing , we moved from Southern California to Seattle - for some reason Dad said we couldn 't take our stick horses - no room in the moving van , or something like that . That made no sense to either of us , so we weren 't too happy about that . I was 7 when we moved about April of 1954 , Ellen was 11 . My parents found a house to rent in Madrona and things suddenly changed . I was in 2nd grade - turns out I went to school a year earlier than the other kids , so I was always a year younger during public school . ( Mom and Dad always told the story of how much fuss I made to get on the bus with Ellen , so they let me go at age 5 - turned out not to be a favor after all . ) I finished the last 2 months of 2nd grade and then went into 3rd grade . I think Ellen was in 6th grade by then . I remember one day in 1954 , my Dad came home for lunch - very unusual for him . Then he and Mom stood out on the back porch watching a plane fly by - what was the big deal about a plane ? It really was a big deal because it was the first flight of the 707 and beginning of the jet age . It was many years later that I knew why it was a big deal . When we moved to Seattle my sister Candy was about 18 months old and to us , a pest . Certainly not her fault , but there was 6 years between us and 10 years between Candy and Ellen . I also noticed Ellen wasn 't my playmate any more , by that time the 4 years difference was very noticeable . I was on my own a lot , seems to have been my history . She kept to herself more and I was probably a pest and nuisance by then . A year and a half later , my parents found this house - it had all the requirements - a large lot , a view , 4 bedrooms ; I never thought I would be living here since 2002 and it is now mine . I now understand why my Mom wasn 't happy with the layout of the house , you have to go through the living room to get anywhere . The front door opens smack dab into the living room - wonder if that is why everyone goes to the back door , or is it the path leads to the back porch ? Unfortunately she couldn 't explain it to Dad in a way he would understand . At Christmas time we would go down to Chubby and Tubby for our Christmas tree . The five of us would look around the lot and each found a tree - then we had to decide which one to buy . It often seemed to me that the best tree was always the one someone else was holding . We would choose one ( sometimes one that needed the most love ) , take it home and put it in a bucket of water at the bottom of the outside stairs . It was usually a week before Christmas . Then we put it up on Christmas Eve , decorate it with ornaments Mom and Dad had collected when they were first married , new ones and ones we made . The cool thing was the next morning was Christmas . One Christmas we put it up a week before Christmas , didn 't work out all that well . Instead of Christmas coming the next morning , it seemed forever for it to come and I think we all were a bit tired of the tree when it finally came . So we went back to putting it up Christmas Eve and taking it down New Year 's Day . I 'm curious to know what my sisters ' memories are , if they are very different . Funny how each person sees something , a person , or event at the same time and sees it differently . I have been going through pictures and these two were ones I found . This is one of those times when I want to write but haven 't an idea what to write about . Usually something has happened , I have learned or discovered something , someone said or did something unusual - none of it comes to mind . I ave noticed the moles are back - they have been digging in the bed by the porch and I can see the holes , not just a pile of dirt . They are busy little bodies , that 's for sure . I have been working on my RA book ; I think I have a better handle on the program now . I decided to use my sister Ellen 's ocean pictures for the cover and also the chapter headings - looks pretty good . When I feel I have the hang of the program , I will work on the book about dementia - both Ellen and Candy have flower photos and I think those will fit Mom because she loved gardening . As for my garden , well that 's another story . Nothing else has been done since I messed up my knee - I don 't think it is the best thing to do at the moment . I did receive the flower seed mats and I have decided to use quilt block patterns to set them out - maybe with white stones to outline them . I need to cut them in squares and diamonds ready to be put down . As for the knee from my slide ; I am doing better , I just started my third week of it . I have been seeing Cheryl , my chiropractor and she has helped ; mostly it is resting and taking care of myself . I don 't do a lot in a day , just what I need to do and I have been having naps at times . I 've been using my cane when I go out , around the house I do okay . It was hard to bend my knee to walk and now it is slowly getting better . I think of the things I need and want to do , then I feel too tired to do anything about it . I keep forgetting it takes a lot of energy to deal with it and rest is so important . This too will pass - it always does . I look around the office and keep thinking how much I need to clean out and organize . There are things I no longer need and when I take the clutter out of my mind and home , there will be room for new things and ideas . I am a pack rat , though getting less so - it 's the sentimental streak that gets me . That is how I feel about the things someone gave me , or I used to use , etc . Too much emotion invested in things . One thing I have been learning through Mom and dementia is to take the emotion out of it . Taking it personally is also part of it . Now I am working on taking the emotion out of things - I have pictures and they have been part of my life since I can remember . But I am living my life , not my parents ' life - I want to have my own things around me . Not sure I remember what I have any more , 12 years is a long time . It is our life now - Eddie 's and mine . I guess I feel a bit disloyal selling or giving away Mom and Dad 's things . But it is also disloyal to Eddie to not have our things upstairs . I feel caught in the middle a bit , I want to move on with our life together . I think I am finally at that point I am ready to let go for myself . The advice to people is to wait a year before making any major decisions - it is almost 2 years since Mom moved to the adult family home . She won 't be coming home or need anything now , she isn 't really aware of anything outside where she lives . ( I think I am actually writing this to myself ) . This is probably the first July 4th in quite a while that we have had sun for several days . We tend to joke that summer doesn 't start until July 5th , this is one summer that seems to be more " normal " ( if you can define that ) . The sun and clouds have been playing hide go seek with each other , sometimes it is a hazy sun - not my favorite . We actually had almost 90 on Tuesday - much to warms for me . since I found out we have a furnace fan , I turn that on to help cool things off upstairs and bring some warmth and dryness to the basement . It works pretty well , so Eddie and I were comfortable sleeping that night . If it is going to be partly cloudy , then make it clear blue sky , bright sun and white puffy clouds . I don 't mind the clouds covering the sun for a bit - it has a lighter feel , hazy sunshine reminds me too much of L . A . and smog or East Coast with hazy , hot and humid . I think go it as the difference between having a bad headache and feeling great . I knew Ellen 's birthday was coming up , but I have been so focused on myself that I let her birthday slip by . I planned to do couple of things and then suddenly the time has slipped away to be on her birthday . It will be a little late this year , but it is coming . I have the coolest sisters and so appreciate them , they have been a great support as I have been taking care of Mom and her needs . I wish they had been able to be here to see Mom when she had periods of recognizing her daughters . Sometimes she knows me , sometimes I am a familiar presence . Ellen sent more maple sugar candy for Mother 's Day , Mom really enjoys them . Ellen has a gift for choosing just the right gift for giving , I wonder how she does it . I remember one Christmas , she gave us a pair of the coolest scissors - I have used them for quilting , sewing and all kinds of things . They cut so smoothly and easily , they are my favorite pair . It was unexpected and turned out to be a wonderful choice . Ellen is my older sister , the one I played stick horses with when we lived in Southern California . She is 4 years older than I am but that didn 't seem to be a big gap when I was up to age 7 . First it was just a square stick with rope tied at the end for reins , then later Dad made heads for the sticks . I called mine Scout - probably after Tonto 's Scout . I can 't remember what Ellen named hers . We loved them and had a wonderful time playing with them . When we were moving up to Seattle , for some reason Dad wouldn 't let us take them . We never quite figured out why - they weren 't all that big . We both were upset and decided to put them behind the garage when we left . I wonder if anyone ever found them . She did have friends on our block more her age , but I also remember we spent a lot time together . I am sure she remembers Betsy , hot dogs and cheese . I remember my Dad bought Betsy - don 't ask me what year or model car she was - and he took us out for a drive . We all sat in the front seat and we realized there were a couple of floorboards missing . I think we went through a puddle and got splashed , but I am not sure . I have a vague memory of a show we put on with the some of the neighborhood kids , but that 's about all . Maybe she remembers better than I do . There was a game called " Kick the Can " the kids played . There was a coffee can filled with water flowers and who knows what other debris ; we went around in a circle with our eyes closed and whoever kicked the can over had to do something . Usually it was run up to someone 's door , ring the bell and run away . I remember only playing a couple of times . When moved up here to Seattle , suddenly Ellen seemed so much older . We went to Madrona grade school about 2 months before the year ended - I was in 2nd grade and she was in 5th grade . I had gone to school a year early , so I was 3 grades behind her rather than 4 . . We went to Madrona another year and then moved to this house . Ellen started junior high ( 7th grade ) and I went into 4th grade - 2 different schools and the age difference really seemed wide . Ellen has always been a wonderful artist and I watched her do her homework for the Famous Artist Course . It was a 3 year home study course , I admired her talent and ability . She is an amazing artist and has been taking photos in Ocean Grove , New Jersey , for several years . She has also done some paintings from those photos . She was married and then I left for Australia to be married , so we didn 't see each other for a long time . I would come and visit here , either by myself or with Eddie and she would come to see us . It 's funny ( peculiar ) how the gap seems to widen between us until the last few years . There is something about getting older that narrows the gap so I feel there isn 't such a gap . All three sisters have had very different lives , but now my sisters seem so much closer even though we live far away from each other . There have been only two things in my life I did early - I was born 2 weeks early and went to school a year earlier than was smart . The birth was when I was ready - maybe the doctor miscounted or Mom wasn 't quite sure when to start counting . Anyway , I arrived around 6 a . m . , a day before my parents 5th wedding anniversary . And there was my big sister to welcome me too . As for school , my Dad tells the story of Ellen getting on the bus to go to school and me making a huge fuss to get on with her to see where she went . We were in Southern California at the time and if I was 5 by the 1st of march , I could start kindergarten . Later , when we moved to Seattle , I suddenly found I was a year younger than everyone else in my class . I must have shot my wad on early things ; after that , I always felt I was trying to catch up . I was not making the greatest grades in school - mostly C 's with a B and A every once in a while . Meanwhile , my older sister was just at the right age for her grade and did very well . Not always easy to be three years behind her and having a lot of the same teachers she had . When she graduated , I started in that Fall - there were a lot of teachers who remembered Ellen and I had the feeling they expected me to do as well as she did . It didn 't work out that way - maybe I was a little in over my head at the time . As a result , my parents thought I would have done better if I had waited a year . When my sister Candy went to school , they made her wait a year , so she was a big older than the others . She , too , had good grades and was active in school , maybe that extra year was a real bonus for her . With the age difference , the three of us were more like 3 generations because we weren 't in the same school at any time together . By the time Candy went to high school , she was in a different one than we were because they changed the school boundaries . There were no reminders of an older sister for her - it was a whole new place just for her . I have to admit , I didn 't expect it would take this long - I am 67 and still working on what I want to be when I grow up . Now one would think that from my start in life I would be a go getter - I was born two weeks early , at 6 in the morning . My Dad once said I was born tired and never got rested . I was 19 when I had my first date - I didn 't do well with boys because I was so unsure and had no experience about boys except my Dad . I always thought a brother would have been a good thing , unfortunately my parents never went for the idea of trading in my younger sister for an older brother . Always wondered why . I was married at 22 , by then almost all the girls in my graduating class had been married for a while . Then of course I went to Australia to be married . I have never figured out what I want to be when I grow up - haven 't found anything that really " hits " me . I am have to create it for myself . I have never felt I fit anywhere . So here I am looking at 67 and I feel as if there is something really cool just around the corner - not sure what it is or how it will look and feel . All I know is I am open , receptive , unlimited , allowing with no preconceived ideas of what it has to be or how it will show up . I am finally at a point of thinking in terms of " Whatever works " . It 's not to say I have had a boring life , once that wonderful Armenian fellow I met at my aunt 's came into my life , things have been very interesting . We were married in Australia and it is a bit disconcerting to find we will be celebrating our 45th wedding anniversary in less than a month . Put in years , it seems quite a long time . But it doesn 't feel that long . In many ways , I look back at the first years and it almost feels as if it happened to someone else or that I read it in a book . I have learned so much , been to many places I have always wanted to go , some places I never thought about and others I have no desire to return . I have met a lot of interesting and amazing people over the years , they have taught me so much . I wonder what I am meant to do - sometimes I feel time is running out and I am getting too old . But I have heard the phrase " You are never too old " and I continue to learn and grow . I am looking to the future and what will unfold - anything is possible for me . I know I am not the same person I was and there is no changing the past . I learned long ago not to beat myself up - I did the best I could with what I had and knew at the time . I am learning that it is and was all perfect for me ; I wouldn 't be where I am or who I am without it . I choose to learn to embrace the future and also learn to enjoy the journey - sometimes seems a bit counterintuitive . When I think about what I was doing before , I hear Dr . Phil in my head asking " How 's that working for you ? ' and know it 's not working for me . Much better to try something different and see what happens . Sometimes my body tells me when it is going to rain - usually if it has been a long time since the last storm . I start to notice it in my hip - just about where my leg and hip come together . Essentially it feels as if my leg is being torn out of the socket ; it comes suddenly and hurts like the dickens . It starts to rain and suddenly the pain is gone - boy , am I glad to see the rain come . Not so much this last time , it was both hips and it was a day or two after the rain and about to start in again . I saw my chiropractor and she did some adjustments which helped , but it was still very uncomfortable . I was with a friend at lunch and I suddenly remembered something my Occupational Therapist in Connecticut told me - " You don 't do change of seasons very well " . Maybe it 's true . I started looking at what I was doing at the time , was I moving in a different way or did I remember an unusual movement . I couldn 't think of anything but then as I was getting up from the chair at the computer , I noticed I was bracing myself a little differently - maybe that was it . I put the chair a little higher so it was easier to get up - though it can 't be too high or it hurts my neck and shoulders . Some days life feels like a delicate balance . So far , with the chair a little higher , I am doing better . I am also sleeping well . Last Monday it was warm and sunny , so nice I went out in my bare feet to do some " earthing " in the grass . I also took out my bottle of bubbles and blew bubbles in the sunshine . That was fun ! They were so pretty shiny in the sunlight , I 'm waiting for it to be warm again . Yes , we have had sunshine and it is usually very pleasant in the sun . In the shade it is chilly with a north wind - still nippy . I am wearing turtlenecks and sweaters to keep warm while so many people are out in shorts and tees . Am I out of step ? It is working its way up into the 60 's today and maybe into 70 tomorrow . As for the garden , it is doing very well . Thanks to Eddie who did it for me , the fruit trees have fertilizer stakes and we also had a bit of rain afterwards . never did get to spray the trees for all the lichen and fuzzy stuff , maybe I will just have to pick it off . Anyway , the pear trees are in full bloom and gorgeous - if the rain and windy don 't come too harshly , we may have pears this year . The Gravenstein is just beginning to bloom , not fully out like the pear trees . We also did the blue berries and they are also blooming , plus we did the fig tree - not sure if it has recovered from pruning or not . Eddie thinks we made a mistake pruning it , I am willing to wait and see . I am so glad we gave them fertilizer this year , it hasn 't been done for 2 or 3 years . The grape hyacinths are still blooming and now the Scillas have finally begun to bloom . So we have purple in the beds and it is lovely . The camellias are still blooming , though they make a mess on the sidewalk . I need to check the rhodos , Delores brought over some red buds for me to take to Mom , unfortunately I left before she came . So I have them in a vase on the kitchen window sill and they are beginning to open up . I will see how ours are doing and take some to Mom . It feels as if everything has burst into bloom . I have seem rhodos blooming , magnolias and azaleas - it is such a glorious time of year . The trees have a lot more leaves and it is truly amazing . My sister Ellen has some of her photos online - just click her name and see what beautiful pictures she has taken . I 'm so very proud of her , she is an amazing talent . My sister Candy is too , she also has many facets and talents . They have both captured spring - in Nashville and the Jersey shore . The first flowering fruit trees have lost their blossoms , almost like a snow storm . Now it is the puffy cherry trees , like balls of pink fluff . It is such a pleasure to drive places and see colors and beauty all around . Hmm , am I starting to wax poetical ? I need to get dressed now , I cleaned the bathroom this morning , Eddie vacuumed and the laundry is almost done . He didn 't have to go to the Museum of Flight today and since we went to service his car yesterday , Saturday chores were spread between both days . It is certainly a lot more fun to be out in the sunshine than the rain and wind . We will all be wanting rain if it is too dry for too long , it 's a Seattle thing . If you wait for a nice day to do things , you wouldn 't be going out very much . Unless it is a gale and hard rain , you just go and do . I remember a January day in L . A . when I went to renew my driver 's license . It was a rainy day and there was hardly anyone at the DMV . One of the advantages of growing up here . The wisteria will soon be out , but I will have to enjoy my neighbors because we had it dug out last year . It 's so lovely when it blooms , but the rest of the time it does a really good job of taking over everything , no matter how much I trimmed it back . I am not going to miss it . I have been visiting Mom rather than visiting with her - I just noticed the difference this week . I have had trouble dealing with not understanding what she says and curbing my urge to ask what she means or to repeat it . My close friend Char told me recently she had visited her Mom and didn 't understand a word she said . So she asked her Mom " Does that make sense to you ? " Her Mom 's answer was " No " . I thought I would try it with Mom , though Mom 's answer was " Yes , it makes sense " . Mom is operating under a different form . What is interesting is that although the words are gibberish to me , Mom says it in a very conversational way - she knows what she is saying , I am the one who doesn 't understand . Two things she definitely understands are chocolate and cookies . I bring some with me every time I visit and she is delighted to have them . I have learned not to ask her if she enjoyed the chocolate or cookies after she has eaten them because she doesn 't remember she ate them . I have been nervous about what to say to Mom , but I am finding it a bit easier now because I realize I don 't have to know exactly what she is saying . I have been reading Candy 's new book to Mom recently , first time I have read it as well . I know Judy has told me Mom takes in things she hears and I am noticing that reading this book . Friday she made several comments as I read and at one point talked for a bit - not sure what she said , just asked " Is that so ? ' and Mom agreed . So it wasn 't necessary to know what she said , just to acknowledge and validate it . I can sometimes tell when she thinks something isn 't a good thing , mostly my her tone and sometimes a " shouldn 't or no that 's not good " comes across . Last Tuesday I took my iPad to play some of the songs she likes - except it once again gave me fits . Some days it works well and other days it looks so different and I am not quite sure what to do . I have begun to make a playlist for her so I will have the songs she likes , though I haven 't done too well with Bing Crosby so far . What will play on my desktop isn 't always available on the iPad . Now I have to figure out how to start the playlist . It 's an interesting process and I think I am more comfortable now - there are times when I feel at a loss , but I am doing my best . I haven 't told her about Barrie dying , don 't think it will really register and there isn 't anything she can do about it . I also haven 't said anything about our next door neighbor , he is having difficulty and two of the sons are there right now . We had gone to bed Wednesday night and I heard this thrum and flash of lights - the fire truck was there and I saw a fireman in their kitchen . Shortly after an ambulance came in , so I figured it was bad enough to take him to the hospital . He was back home the next morning bit they may have to have someone there for a while . I 'm sure Mom would be worried if she knew . I will admit I still have days when I don 't want to go visit Mom , so I make sure I have somewhere to go and do something entirely different after the visit . Plus , I don 't want Mom to feel she has been abandoned . When I come and she is very sleepy or having a nap because she had a bad night , I am almost glad we won 't have a visit . I think she is more aware of things than I realize , but I couldn 't say in what way . I think she still knows who I am at times , I am better at not taking it personally because it is part of dementia . Some of what is happening has to do with getting older , some from dementia - I am so grateful to Judy for helping me understand what 's happening with the things I don 't quite understand . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :