Life on a roller coaster It has long been said that you never know what goes on behind closed doors . We can all look around at the people we know and think they all have perfect lives . We all believe that we are the only ones who have problems . However when we begin talking to our friends and neighbours we start to realise that everyone has their own cross to bear , we just don 't always know about it . I have decided to make a record of the roller coaster that my life has become . It is going to be public but only for those who know how to find it . My decision to do this is partly as therapy for myself and partly so that the few who choose to read this will have an idea of what goes on behind these doors . It might even be helpful to me one day . Those of you who know me personally or have been reading my blog since the beginning or near to will know that back in March I got married for the second time . I was happier than I remembered being in all my life . I am not saying that life was perfect . My new husband and my sons do not live in harmony . But I know that it takes time for a new family to become easy with each other so time should heal the majority of the rifts . ( I am working on it ) . I am extremely worried about his current mental health . At first I thought it was due to him not working since last May and not having any structure in his day . He doesn 't see anyone except my sons and I or the staff of the local corner shop . He has mood swings and sleeps a lot . I believe he is depressed and mentioned this a few months ago . He couldn 't accept my observation . He has no interest in doing anything . He has so many things that he will do tomorrow but never does do . Things that he would never have thought anything of doing are now a chore that he can 't quite face doing . He is constantly tired and sleeps on and off most days , then can 't sleep at night . He has always loved walking but now cannot walk far before he feels weak . My husband was diagnosed some years ago with a hiatus hernia . He has never been a big eater , but this is severely restricting his diet . He frequently has to leave the table either retching or being sick . He always cuts up his food up very small and eats slowly . He says he eats like a sparrow , I say he doesn 't eat enough to keep a sparrow going . Some days he eats fairly well ( for him ) although still not a lot . Other days it is a struggle to get him to eat more than a few mouthfuls of food . In recent months he has had ' ' the wobbles ' ' a number of times , usually when there has been a journey involved . We travelled to New Forest for a 70th birthday with my family . By the time we arrived he was very shaky and could only walk with assistance and was too poorly to eat . The same when we went to Norwich to see an old friend of his . Again when we flew to San Francisco a few weeks ago . He collapsed when he tried to leave the plane and had to be put into a wheelchair . I think all these incidences are linked to him not eating enough and going too long between eating . In recent weeks he has been too tired to wake up for meals , when he does he shuffles around like a much older person , he doesn 't sit down but finds something important ( to him ) that he must do first … this can take 10 or 15 minutes before he will sit down . He then pushes his food around eats a couple of small forkfuls then announces he can 't eat any more . He will eat it later but never does . He gets very confused over what day it is and even where he is . He gets grumpy with me for not being there when I am actually at work . He can 't remember people or places and gets a lot of things muddled up . His conversations are becoming muddled and confused . I am not the only one who has noticed this . My son who is home from Uni has noticed a big difference since last September . I find myself doing things for him that I would do for a small child because they frustrate him when he can 't easily do them . I didn 't do these things before . He will get in a mood about something , have a sleep and wake up behaving as if nothing had happened . I could go on and on but won 't . I feel like I am betraying my husband who I love . I mentioned earlier that things between my husband and my sons have not been easy . I believe that it isn 't my boys in particular that are the problem . I believe the problem is sharing the house with anyone other than me . But that is just my opinion . Almost as soon as we returned from California my husband began to fret about having the boys in the house . The more he frets the more stressed he becomes . The more stressed he gets the less he eats . The less he eats the more confused he becomes . He is rarely rude to my boys but he is rude about them and they are aware of this . ( which doesn 't make for a happy house especially when it is the summer and we are sat in the garden under Skater 's window ) . Over the next few weeks my husband began telling me that we were over , finished ! In the next breath he would tell me that he would miss me because he really loves me . At first I found this very hurtful , but then I realised that he didn 't mean it and often didn 't even remember having said it . Then there would be the times when we would have a conversation then he would go to the bathroom and when he returned he would be surprised to see me and ask when I had got home ? He began to get people and places muddled up , I was starting to feel that I needed to put something with his name , address and my phone number in both cars and in his pockets . It was nerve racking for me every time he left the house wondering if he would find his way back . He began misplacing his phone , I would be phoning and texting him all day and getting no answer because he had put his phone down and not known where . ( I usually found it very quickly ) . My son and I were getting very concerned about his mental state . It was like living with someone with dementia . I looked up the various types of dementia and found something that I felt fit in with his symptoms . Remembering that he was less muddled on the days that he ate more . One Thursday he told me that he was going to our beach retreat for a few days . I was at work and could do nothing until I got home to discover whether he had in fact gone . More than that had he actually found his way there without mishap ( it is a good 40 minutes drive from our home . It took me several attempts to get him on the phone , when I did he was quite happy having a drink in the bar . But what concerned me most of all was that he told me he had £ 2000 in his pocket . I didn 't believe him but he had recently taken to withdrawing large sums from the bank to pay workmen when we had new windows and guttering etc fitted . Always more than he needed so it could be possible , I sincerely hoped he didn 't . He then checked and told me that no it was £ 180 . Phew relief but I do hope that he hadn 't told me that within anyone else 's hearing . I spoke to him several times during the evening . I agreed to go there the next evening after work if he was still there . This was the first night we were to spend apart in over a year . Actually I enjoyed the relative peace . Next evening I joined him , we had a nice evening and he seemed to be relatively coherent . Saturday was equally good , I made sure he had food inside him and had begun to keep a log of what he was eating . On this particular day he had : Sunday was not such a good day , he was more unsettled . At one point I went for a walk along the beach , I was gone for an hour , during that hour he phoned me 3 times to ask where I was . His total food intake for the day was ; Just after 9pm I set off home as I had to go to work the next day . My husband wan 't ready to leave so he was going to stay for one or two more nights . It was almost 10pm when I got home . I phoned my husband to make sure he was ok . He wasn 't , he was very much not alright . He was almost crying and telling me that he was having a breakdown . He needed me . After a cup of tea and a pee break I was back in the car . It was midnight when I arrived . He had phoned several times whilst I was driving . But he was calm when I arrived . Next morning I woke at 5am ( I was going to need to leave early to get to work on time ) . However I didn 't leave until about 7am as I wanted to be sure that my husband could be left . Once I was satisfied that he could be left I set of for home to get changed for work , with the proviso that I would book a Dr 's appointment and he would make sure he got home in time for it . I managed to get him an appointment at 5pm that evening . I quickly wrote the above letter which I hand delivered to the surgery in my lunch break with the instructions that the Dr should read it before seeing him . I left work half an hour early to take him to his appointment . When I arrived home there was no sign of him . Minutes until his appointment I was getting worried that he wouldn 't turn up when he called me to say that he had gone straight there . I met him in reception , it was the first time I had been there other than my brief visit a few hours earlier . I asked him if he wanted me to come in with him or wait . He wanted me to go in with him . He was already being called so we went straight in . The young lady Dr was very pleasant , and started off by asking what she could do for us . My husband explained that he was experiencing numbness in his hands . ( I think it was in his imagination ) . He was not experiencing any tingling or pain and could feel even the slightest touch , very puzzling . Dr K M was very good with my husband asking him all kinds of questions about his hands , then she asked him if he was sleeping alright , which led to a discussion about his sleeping on and off all day then being awake most of the night . Next she brought up the question of his eating habits , this was discussed at length . Dr KM didn 't once let on that she knew anything about my husband other than what he was telling her . But to me it was very obvious from her questions that she had read my letter . It was agreed that a fasting blood test was needed . Before we could leave Dr KM asked if there was anything else that either of us wanted to discuss . This was my cue to mention depression . By the time we left there my husband was very impressed with this new Dr and how thorough she is . He wanted to go for a drink at the pub where we first met . Just 5 minutes away from where we were . I had been there for half an hour before he rang me . He had got lost ! Instead of turning left he had turned right . But he couldn 't possibly be where he said he was , he arrived 5 minutes later . We had one drink then set off home I was dead tired and wanted to sleep . He said he would stop off at Tesco to buy our dinner . I stopped at Tesco for fuel and kept an eye out for him but never saw him . He finally arrived home about an hour and a half later with a bag of shopping , he hadn 't been to Tesco but I couldn 't find out where he had been . Nothing he said made sense , I couldn 't get to the bottom of it . The next few days are a blur to me . I remember being at my wits end not knowing how I was going to cope . The weather here was hot , very hot for us here in the UK . But I couldn 't enjoy our unusual summer weather . I was caring for my husband who had become child like but with the fragility of a very old man . Friday evening I persuaded him that we should visit our favourite pub to hear the live music but if we got there early enough we could eat there too . He struggled to get his socks on and I had to help him with his boots . This was not like him . I had ordered our food before we left home as we were running late . He ate only a few forks of chilli , then he wanted to go home . We had been there an hour , he had enjoyed the music but wasn 't interested in either hearing any more of it or talking to our friends . He was a bit wobbly when we got home . On Saturday I was working on my laptop in the kitchen whilst my husband was sleeping upstairs , he had been feeling too shaky to manage the stairs so I was letting him sleep , whilst I worked downstairs . In the afternoon I watched the women 's tennis singles final ( wimbledon ) then dosed in the armchair . I was woken by knocking coming from above . I wondered why he was knocking when he could have phoned me . I went up to see what he wanted only to find him on the floor half in the bedroom half in the bathroom . His legs had given way and he couldn 't get up . I called for an ambulance . I was told not to move him and help was on its way . I was 1hr 35mins before the ambulance arrived . It was a very busy day apparently with lots of heart problems due to the excessive heat . The two paramedics managed to get him up and sitting on the end of the bed whilst they did their obs . I explained to them about his lack of food intake . He admitted that he is afraid of being like his dad who had been overweight and diabetic and had a heart attack . I commented that he only died 15 years after his heart attack . The paramedics explained to him that by not eating he was causing more damage to his health than if he was overweight . They noticed a bottle of lucozade beside the bed and told him not to drink these too often as they make you feel as though you have energy so you don 't need to eat . He hasn 't drunk any since . While he was talking to the paramedics my husband was quite calm but when they tried to move him , the plan being to take him into A & E he became extremely anxious . They taught him to take deep breathes in through his nose and then out through his mouth . This worked until again they tried to get him on his feet . Their special chair was collected but after more discussion it was decided that A & E would probably cause more upset . A call went into out of hours doctor who said I must get him to his own doctor in the next few days . After they had gone ( they were here 2 hours ) he stayed in the bedroom . I managed to get him to eat some toast . Next day he managed to eat a buttered crumpet . He did retch a few times but managed to not only eat all of it but kept it down . This seemed to be the start of him getting better , he had a good day managing to sit in the garden . Once he realised that he could keep some food down he got better at eating more . It seems that his talking to by the paramedics was having a positive effect . For a few days he seemed to be making progress , but then his eating began to slow down again . The conversations were still erratic but the vague confusion had disappeared . He was coherent even if he was not consistent . We could be having a pleasant time when he would suddenly say something irrational . However after he had had a dose he would be calm as if nothing had happened . I never knew from one minute to the next what he was going to do or say but at least he was not mumbling curses . I had got used to strings of um er um shit um fuck er um fuck fuck er um shit um …… . and so it would go on for sometimes up to 10 minutes . The conversations in the middle of the night where he would suddenly out of nowhere tell me that we are finished . Or the announcements that I am not affectionate . These were very hurtful . It was to be another very hot day when we were going to my son 's graduation ceremony . There were to be four of us going , obviously my son , plus the two of us and my mother ( proud grannie ) . After the stress of recent days I asked my husband if he wanted to go or would he prefer to stay at home . He wanted to come with us and organised his suit ready for the big day . I organised a picnic to take with us so that nobody had to go too long without food . I didn 't want my husband to collapse . The ceremony was under way , We had good seats just in front of the stage . The speeches had been made and the students were lined up waiting for their turn to be called onto the stage . My husband got up and left . I assumed to find the gents . He didn 't return . When we left the Cathedral I found him wandering around looking for our car . I had driven my mother 's car but he was looking for one of ours . There was a reception in a marquee which we would go to next . My husband and son would walk down the hill and I would drive round with my mother as she is not good at walking far these days . On our way to the marquee , mother decided it was going to be too far so settled on a bench outside a coffee bar . I set of to join the men . They were together eating and drinking the exotic offerings . We didn 't want to stay too long because we didn 't want to leave my mother for too long , besides it was so very hot that my face was streaming . When we decided to leave my husband refused to leave . You know what it is like when a toddler doesn 't want to do something . He was behaving just like that . £ times I had to go back to find him before he would leave . He had never been there before and didn 't know his way around . The next day ( just a few days before his children were due to arrive from California ) he told me that he was feeling weak and couldn 't stop shaking . By this time he was hardly eating again . I left work in the middle of the day determined to get him admitted to hospital so that he could be given treatment . I rang the emergency number , after several minutes of describing his condition I was told that they would pass the details on to our Dr 's surgery and I should call there within 2 hours . I phoned within 10 mins and spoke to one of the practice Dr 's . He agree to see my husband later that day if I could get him there . Shortly after this it became apparent that my husband was unable to stand even with help . I was not going to be able to get him out of our room and down the stairs then out into the car even with help from my son . His condition was worsening . Again I phoned the emergency number , I explained what was happening they again contacted our local practice and one of the Dr 's agreed to come out for a home visit even though home visits were finished for the day . I had been trying to get my husband to eat , hoping that he would gain some strength . I was beside myself with worry by this time . I tried feeding him some cereal but only managed to get 6 bite sized pieces into him . I had sliced a banana but even that was too difficult for him to eat . He didn 't even have any chocolate . When the Dr arrived he diagnosed extreme anxiety . He prescribed diazapam , which much to my surprise my husband agreed to take . He was given enough for a week . He was due to see Dr KM in a week anyway . When he was leaving the Dr told my husband that he must start eating more , little and often even if it was something he didn 't like . I did my best to get him eating but he was still shaking too much to be able to hold anything . Next morning I went back to work , before I left I spoon fed my husband some cereal , he did manage a little more than the previous day . During the morning I asked my son to make him some toast and jam . Apparently he managed to eat this and text me that he was going to try to get downstairs to sit in the garden . When I got home from work , I looked in the garden , no sign , I went up to our room , vacant . His office , empty ! so where was he ? I picked up my phone to call him and found 3 missed calls from him . Yes he had managed to get downstairs . Whilst he decided that he wanted a bottle of sparkling water from the shop . He walked to the shop , I have no idea how long that took . ( on a normal day just 4 or 5 minutes ) . Once there he knew he couldn 't walk back so I had to drive round to collect him . He had walked there in his slippers and his casual trousers , not something he would ever do . A few days after his children arrived in the country we took them and 3 of my lads ten pin bowling . He wasn 't strong enough to drive so I had to drive everyone about . There were 7 of us and our Chevy Blazer is a 5 seater so that meant 2 trips in each direction for me . I didn 't mind that too much it just meant it all took longer . My husband has always been a fairly good ten pin bowler , but on this day he could barely throw the ball hard enough for it to reach the pins . One Monday evening I came in from work to find that my husband was out . He arrived 20 minutes later asking me where I was going to take him for a drink . I commented that he had already been out . I had tummy ache when I got home so had changed into pj 's for comfort . I was not thinking about going out . As it happened I had been asked out with my colleagues to say goodbye to a former colleague who was moving away . I had declined , as I didn 't want to leave my husband at home . I hadn 't mentioned any of this to him , I didn 't want him to feel guilty that I wasn 't going . My husband told me he would go out without me and went . I assumed he had gone to our usual pub for one pint . I couldn 't believe it when I began to get messages from my friends saying that my husband was in the pub where they were having their meal . He hadn 't seen them , he had no idea I should be there but he was tucking into a big plate of food . His explanation later when I could bring myself to speak to him , was that he was driving around and felt hungry . He knew we didn 't have much food at home . He didn 't worry about the rest of us . One evening I went to visit my mother after work , I don 't recall the exact reason why , on the way home I stopped off for a few groceries . Imagine my surprise , when I got home to hear footsteps behind me , turning around I was faced with my husband in a terrible state . There was blood all over his face and hands , he had leaves and dirt on his jacket . I cleaned him up as much as I could . I wasn 't sure if I should take him to hospital to be checked over . He didn 't want that so I just did what I could . Having searched our medical drawer , bathroom cabinets for antiseptic I ran round to our neighbour to see if she had anything , but I couldn 't get her to hear me . My husband didn 't leave the house for a week he was so embarrassed by the scabs on his face . One afternoon I was sitting in the sun after work , my husband joined me in the garden . My son came to tell us that there was a policeman at the door . We both went to the door to find out what he wanted . You could have knocked me over with a feather when he asked about my husband 's whereabouts during the previous couple of hours . It turns out that he had driven to the local pub had a pint and driven home . He was breathalysed and was found to be over the legal limit . He was taken to a police station where they tested him again , this time he was only a fraction over the legal limit . He was cautioned and brought home . Last night my husband who had earlier fallen off a garden chair into a rose bush , breaking the chair in the process . Decided to go for a short walk as part of his efforts to build up the strength in his weak legs . I made him take his phone with him as I always do these days just in case he needs to be rescued . He had not come back into the kitchen for sometime but I wasn 't worried thinking he must have gone straight up stairs when he came in . But as time went on I started to think maybe he was asleep . I went to see where he was . He wasn 't in the house . I woke my son asking him to go with me to look for my husband . He said he could hear movement at the front of the house . I phoned my husband fearing what I would hear . He said he was by the front door could I let him in please . My heart was pumping , has he fallen over again what state would he be in this time ? As soon as I opened the door I could see blood , but I was more surprised at the sight of two paramedics with him . They came in and he escaped up the stairs to the bathroom . I took the paramedics into the lounge to talk . Apparently my husband has been drinking . I told them that he hardly drinks at all . On the occasions that we go out he has maybe 2 pints 3 at the most before he feels he can 't drink more . What I was now being told was that he had drunk a bottle of vodka and had another bottle in his pocket . They also believed he had drunk some tins of beer . I guessed that someone had seen him fall and called the ambulance . I was right he had fallen and not been able to get back up . Even the paramedics had struggled to get him on his feet . But once they did he was ok . A little battered and bruised but not too badly this time . They were more concerned that he had low blood pressure . They were happy to leave him in my care as he didn 't want to go into hospital , providing I make an appointment for him to see Dr today . During the conversation he admitted buying the bottle of vodka and where he had now hidden it . He also admitting having a couple of pints during the day at a local pub . I knew he wouldn 't have been able to walk there so he must have driven . He admits that he did . Does he not learn ? it is only 2 weeks since he was arrested for drink driving . He agreed with the paramedics that he shouldn 't be drinking at all while he is taking his medication . He also agreed that he needs to get help with his drinking . Experience tells me that he just said that to appease the paramedics and me . When he wakes today he will probably think he doesn 't need help . I told him that I would make a Dr 's appointment for him . He said he didn 't want me to . When I asked why , he said he didn 't want the Dr to see his cut face . ( His cuts were nothing compared to the last time ) . I made the appointment anyway . After I finished work we went to see his favourite Dr . I said I would come in with him if he wanted me to but was happy to wait if he preferred . He wanted me there so that was fine as I did want to hear what he told the Dr . She wasn 't at all surprised to hear he has been drinking more than he has previously owned up to . In her opinion his shaking that has been going on for weeks is directly connected with his alcohol intake . He has agreed to talk to a help group which operates on a self referral basis . Again I am not holding my breath on this . We have been talking about his drinking and particularly his secret drinking . I have been trying to get him to understand that it is not his drinking that is the biggest problem although it is a problem . The damage that has been done to our marriage is that he was drinking secretly , I feel so stupid for believing that he was seriously ill , that it was not connected to alcohol . How blind could I have been . How did I not know that he had been drinking all this time . How did I not know it was alcohol that was causing his ill health . Recently my husband found this blog about our life over the last 5 months . I was worried that he would be upset or angry but he has actually had a good , positive response . Reading this has helped him to understand how I have been feeling about everything that has been going on . I have been having a good think about whether to continue writing here now that he has found it . One argument would be that instead of writing everything down I should be talking to him about it face to face . I have come to the conclusion that I do need to keep writing . I have been talking to him face to face , telling him how I feel day to day or even hour by hour . We have long discussions about what he has been going through , the effects it has on me , where we go from here and how he can improve his life . I have begun to feel that our relationship has begun to get back to where it should be . There is a light at the end of the tunnel even if that light is still a long way off . Owl has good days and not so good days . I have noticed over recent weeks that there is a definite change in his face when he is not so good . When he is having a good day his face is open , and looks much younger . When he is not so good , it looks more scrunched up and 10 years older . I have told him this but he doesn 't believe me . We still have episodes where he will see me and ask when I came in , this could be several hours and conversations after I came home from work / shopping . I am proud of my son who copes very well with the repeated conversations that they have . He patiently answers the same questions time after time without any show of annoyance . I can 't say the same for myself . Last week we were enjoying a pleasant evening , we had discussed our relationship and how it was starting to get back to where it should be . We also discussed his drinking , he was telling me that he had not had a drink for weeks . I reminded him that he had had a couple of pints 2 days previously when we were at our beach retreat . He got a bee in his bonnet about the car insurance so I went up to the office and retrieved the relevant documents . During my search I also came across an undated letter , from a consultant at one of the local hospitals , giving the result of a liver scan and recommending a drastic cut back on alcohol intake . He now tells me this is from 3 or 4 years ago when he was unwell . So I now know that he has liver damage as well as brain shrinkage ( due to excessive drinking ) that showed up on an MRI scan that he had last spring . He was in the kitchen with me whilst I made dinner and talking about a tv program I wanted to watch later . By the time I had served up our dinner he had disappeared . Nothing unusual in that so I ate mine and waited for him to return . It was about 45 minutes before he came back into the kitchen , not looking so good . I asked if he had been drinking but he said no as he struggled to sit on the chair properly . He began to eat his dinner but it was cold so had to be heated up . After several attempts to operate the microwave and failing even with my instructions … . Press time then the number of seconds then start , he agreed to let me do it for him . I could tell just by looking at him that he was not right . He proceeded to try to eat his dinner with his head hovering just inches above his plate and food falling off his fork . He was so pissed ( drunk ) that he even told me he was pissed . However he insisted that he had not been drinking . Having said this he thought he should tell me that he had been to the pub at lunch time for a pint of beer . ( As if I would believe he had suddenly got so drunk 6 hours after drinking just one pint of larger . ) I went in search of the bottle that I knew with certainty was there somewhere . I didn 't find it and returned to the kitchen . Not long after this Skater came home and talked about his evening , not doing or saying anything to give away the fact that he could see Owl was drunk . I left the room for a few minutes , when I returned my husband was eating a banana , most of which ( complete with peel ) lay in the centre of his plate . On another day it would have been comical watching him trying to eat his dinner getting his fork tangled up with the banana skin . I know it sounds cruel and I felt cruel but I took a few photos of my husband to show him the next day so that he could see for himself what he looked like . He was still insisting that he was fine , nothing wrong with him . It has been a few months now since I wrote anything here . It was mid March when my husband had the fall in the road in the middle of the day . I took him to hospital because he had a head injury , this turned out to be superficial . But because of his bleeding head he was treated in major trauma . It was there that the Dr tried to get to the bottom of why my husband 's legs gave way . After tests and x - rays on his broken hand the Dr confirmed that the injuries were a direct result of drinking . It was after he had been patched up that the Dr referred him to a clinic at the hospital for people with drink problems . He promised that my husband would be prescribed drugs that would help him to give up drinking . It was a few weeks before his appointment . I wasn 't there but he told me that the woman he spoke to said he was a binge drinker , he should cut down his alcohol intake for a week then stop drinking . I didn 't think this was very helpful . He went from drinking a couple of cans of beer several times a week . To drinking on average 4 to 6 cans every day . Share this : TwitterFacebookLike this : Like Loading . . . 6 comments on " Life on a roller coaster " appletonavenue says : August 25 , 2013 at 10 : 41 pm Wow , you have a lot to deal with . I haven 't been reading your blog for long , but will be keeping up in the future . I send thoughts of strength to you and your family during this difficult time . ladyinredagain says : August 31 , 2014 at 9 : 47 am Finding Hope , I have not considered writing a book about this . Although who knows one day I might do just that . My current thoughts on writing a book are more along the lines of surviving cancer and how it affects all the family in different ways . I guess I possibly have three books I could write from experience , surviving Cancer , surviving emotional abuse and lastly living with an alcoholic . Finding Hope 's Sunshine says : August 31 , 2014 at 1 : 31 pm Wow , you are an overcomer ! You should definitely write about your experiences . And as for writing about something cheerful , I 'm not sure that would be the right thing . I personally think you should write about the things that were tearing at your heart , and then how you made it through . People love to read encouraging stories of how people have made it through difficult situations and survived . It wouldn 't have to necessarily be three books . It would focus on how life is relentless and tries to kick us down , but it doesn 't matter how many times we fall - but that we get up one more time and try again . You know that quote from Winnie the Pooh " You are stronger than you think . " This is you ! You can do anything . Meghan