Here 's a new one , the last one of 2007 . Thanks for staying with it . * * * Starvingby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I went on a hunger strike . Not for any reason , not for any cause , but just to do it , I guess . Hubris , that 's what I would say . I stopped eating because I thought I would enjoy it . I was wrong . It was maybe a day or two before I couldn 't move , and so I would just sit on the couch or watch TV and get hungry . I stopped doing anything . I was very tired and very cranky often . I would just sit there and try not to think about food , which is difficult , because food is so amazing . I mean it really is awesome . You should try it sometime . And every program on TV has some mention of food or of eating that it made me feel even worse . I couldn 't tell when I should break my hunger strike , as I was striking for no reason , but I decided it should be " before I die . " So , yeah , I started eating again . But now I appreciate food , even the things that tasted bad . It is a good thing that you can do to yourself . It will be okay , I swear , I will be okay . * * * Happy new year . Sorry this story is so late , I got caught up with things . And it 's going to be short , cause I don 't have much to say . Here it is . * * * Hung Overby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . And this morning , I was so hung over , God , it was awful . I had problems in my stomach and my brain . It was like being found at the bottom of the ocean . It was like being stepped on repeatedly by passers - by . I couldn 't get up or even move . I stayed there trying to go back to sleep , thinking that could save me , but I was not allowed to enter . Here 's what I have to say . The land of bad decisions is my favorite place . But sometimes to get there you have to pay a horrible price . This is the way I feel right now . This is the way I feel today . Today we have a new story by Ivan Goldensohn , a writer who goes to Maryland . He is a good man , and is always good to read . He is only the third writer to attempt an LOBD story ! Follow his example and submit ! * * * Cookieby Ivan GoldensohnI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . At first all I wanted was a cookie , not just any cookie , but a less then one day old chewy little bit of deliciousness sitting in a glass jar on top of the fridge . Granted I am only about five foot five , the fridge is a serious obstacle . In order to get the cookie I opened the fridge door , and started to climb . My foot found a hold on a large jar of grey poupon and I reached up , grabbing the top of the fridge . I pulled my foot and placed it between a bottle of Tabasco and some unidentified leftover , and reached for the cookies , but the shelf I was standing on collapsed , causing me to fall , grasping at the cookies but only knocking them further away , and making half of the things in the door of the fridge fall and shatter on the ground . Luckily , I caught myself with my non - cookie grabbing hand on the top of the fridge , and this was how I found myself hanging from the top of the fridge above a colorful mess of condiments and broken glass , reds and yellows and blacks curdling together on the floor . As I am already this far , and my back route is blocked by the condiments avalanche , my only option is up , fortunately the same direction as the cookie . I try the next shelf up , and manage to get up higher before this shelf also collapses . There two shelves left , so I have to be careful with them , they may be my only chance for that cookie . I push up on the second to last shelf , pushing myself up and lunging for the cookie , but the smooth glass slides away from my hand and falls off the back of the fridge , disappearing from sight . With great effort I swing my leg up over the top of the open fridge door , at this point my tummy is freezing , and hoist myself up completePosted by Sorry this one 's so late . Hope you enjoy . * * * Broken Glassby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . At a bar , I accidentally dropped a glass that was in my hand . Beer and glass shards spilled out onto the floor . This was an accident . The bad decision is when I tried to do it every night from then on . Not always at a bar , though . In my house , I would just take a glass from the cupboard and smash it on the floor . At restaurants I would casually knock it over , just blaming it on my clumsiness . I was having a ball . I 've kept my streak up , too . It 's been 21 days so far . I 'm pretty sure that I could do this thing for the rest of my life . It 's an expensive habit , though , to tell you the truth . I always have to buy new glassware , just so I can destroy it , or eat out at different restaurants - I can 't do it at the same restaurant for so long , or they begin to get suspicious . So I really have to work hard at my job , try to get a raise . This is now my motivation . You know , this bad decision might be the best decision I ever made . * * * And now , a pleasing work of fiction to divert you for several seconds today . * * * Coffeeby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . Here 's what I did . I brewed up a nice pot of coffee , real fancy stuff . Then I took the pot out of the coffee maker and walked outside . It was a cold day , and I made sure that I had gloves on . I walked all the way down to the block to the nearby convenience store . I said hello to the cashier , then reared back and threw the contents of the pot into his face . Then I walked out . It wasn 't that bad of a bad decision , really , cause I got what I wanted . That man needed to understand what a proper coffee is supposed to taste like . I hate convenience stores . * * * Happy Thanksgiving , folks . Here 's a story for this occasion . * * * Thanksgivingby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . Here 's my plan for Thanksgiving : instead of having one of my own , I 'm just going to crash other peoples ' . Why can 't Thanksgiving be a time for strangers to come into your house and take your shit ? It started good the first couple of houses . It 's surprising how many people don 't lock their doors today . What I do is , usually , walk in to the house , say " Happy Thanksgiving everybody ! Be thankful ! " or something like that , grab a turkey leg , and then walk out . Then I run to the next house . I got a good haul in the beginning - turkey legs , cranberry sauce , mashed potatoes , stuffing , and so on . All the fun of Thanksgiving without having to pay for it . Of course , eventually I passed out on some one 's lawn from eating and running so much , and someone came by and hit me with a plank of wood a couple of times . And yeah , it 's " illegal " or whatever . But I think it just might have been my best Thanksgiving that I can remember . * * * Sorry this one is late , I was busy today . Here you go . * * * Thumb Tackby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I put a thumb tack in the middle of the road , thinking that if a car drove over it the tire would explode or something . Well , it turns out that tires don 't do that anymore , they can just roll right over the thing and it would be fine . I was upset . So I got a knife and I just started slashing tires all over town . Now that was fun . I just bounded down the streets , running from side to side , cutting open the tires and hearing the sound escape . I got to my own car and I slashed its tires , one two three four . Then I thought , well , what the hell , and I got in my car and turned it on . It 's very difficult to drive with no tires . Hearing the thunk - thunk - thunk while you 're driving down the road . I didn 't get very far , no . I ended up just a couple of feet from where I was when I decided to stop . Yes , I left my car in the middle of the road . I started to feel bad - for myself , and for all the people whose tires I cut . We 'd all have to buy replacements now , and we wouldn 't be able to drive ourselves to do it . I threw my knife away ( on the ground ) and kept walking . Well , maybe one day things will turn out allright . Today brings another story from Annalee Flower Horne . She has written a different story for LOBD before . This story , she says , is a true story . * * * Haystack Cookiesby Annalee Flower HorneI wanted to live in the Land of Bad Decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . You know what 's really tasty ? Haystack cookies . Peanut butter , butterscotch , chow mien noodles and peanuts - - a longstanding family tradition of hallowe ' en deliciousness . So when my mom sent me the recipe a few days ago , of course I went crazy with it . I rode to the cheap grocery store across town and dropped a weeks ' worth of grocery money on cookie supplies . I had so much stuff , I had trouble fitting it all in my backpack . I had to strap some of it down to my motorcycle for the ride home . I figured three batches would do it . Halfway through batch two , I realized that this may have been overkill . Haystack cookie batches are huge . But there was no turning back . I just kept piling them up , one layer of waxed paper over another . I 've shared them . I 've arranged little gift - plates of them for favorite professors and staff . I 've invited friends to come and partake of the peanut - butter - scotchy goodness . I 've left strategic caches of them in friends ' rooms . But mostly , I 've eaten them . I snacked on them while handing out candy to the kiddies . I used them to fuel my I - Law exam all - nighter . Today , I skipped my cafeteria meals and just ate haystack cookies instead . I skipped swim class today - - because , you know , when you 've been eating nothing but cookies all day , it 's probably better to stay out of the pool - - and kind of fell asleep at 4 : 30 in the afternoon . So when I woke up ( at 9 : 20 pm ) , what 's the first thing I did ? Poured myself a glass of milk and ate two more cookies . I 'm almost out , now . I 've got a few more gift - plates that are Not For Me , and four more cookies , and then it 's back to real food and regular meals . Maybe my friends have a few cookies left upstairs . Boy howdy am I going to need to detox this weekend , buPosted by * * * Tigersby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . At the zoo I didn 't even bother with the warning signs , I just walked right up and over the fence and fell into the tiger pit . " What 's up ! " I said . " What it is ! " I was so tired of just watching them sleep , watching them do nothing . I wanted to see something different . Tigers are much bigger up close . One of them finally got up , yawned , and looked over at me . " Hello ! " I said . Yes , by this time some zookeepers were upset , and they sere trying to get me out . But I wasn 't done yet . I saw the tiger get up and move towards me . I was not scared . I was not even drunk . I started to run around . Tigers are very fast moving animals . Oh , but those fucking zookeepers , they grabbed me and pulled me out of the tiger pit . Party poopers . But at least I got the tiger to bite part of my foot off . That was awesome . * * * * * * Cottonby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I wanted to know , how could I ruin my life using only cotton ? I had to think hard about this one . Eventually I bought a bag of cotton balls and started throwing them at people , one by one . These did little to no damage . " Stop that , " they 'd say , or " What ? " So I had to stop . But I noticed that all the cotton had collected on a pile on the floor . This gave me a good idea . I bought some cotton shirts , cotton tips , even just raw cotton itself . I put them in the middle of the street with the other cotton balls . People tripped over them . It was great . Now I had my own army , my own massive force I could use to disrupt people . I can 't move it . I have to stay here , night and day , to make sure that no one tries to take it . Oh , God help you if you try to take it . The city council is trying to force me to move . Ha ! Let them . It will be futile , anyway . I now exist outside the laws of man . I 'm just going to stay here . I 'm just going to stay here . * * * This one is for my friend in Indiana . * * * Doing Nothingby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I thought , what is the point of going outside and doing anything ? There was nothing that I couldn 't do from my home . So I bought World Of Warcraft and I decided not do anything else but play it and sleep . My former friends were upset , they said , that I never left the house , but , if they can 't understand why I wanted to do this , then I guess they were never really my friends . It 's great . I get all my food ordered and delivered to me . I keep my own sleep schedule , it doesn 't even matter . Sometimes I don 't even wear clothes . I don 't miss the outside world . There wasn 't much there anyway . What , buildings ? Trees ? Some mountains ? I don 't need those . There are pictures of those online anyway . I am self - sufficient . I provide for myself . I make my own money - through Warcraft , but also I found you can take these surveys online and they pay you for it . I am thinking of venturing into other schemes as well . But other than that , I am content . I do not need anything , nothing , not ever again . * * * The Land of Bad Decisions was featured on WMUC Radio yesterday morning , on the show " Hobo 's Lullaby . " WMUC is the college radio station of the University of Maryland . Hosts Jenna Brager and Carter Thomas read this story on the air . Their show is awesome , by the way . They have a website for it here . The audio for the show is here , but the link is only good for a week . The story is read at around the 3 / 4 mark . When the regular podcast gets put online I 'll link to it . New story this Thursday . Thanks for reading . UPDATE : Here is the permanent link to the show . * * * Ruining a Sportby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I was at a soccer match and pretty much I jumped down onto the field and started running . They didn 't notice me at first ; I mean , the security guys did , but the players themselves didn 't . So I ran out onto the field . Right in the middle of the match too . It was scoreless , though , so far , so I didn 't feel like it was that big of a deal . I ran right to where the soccer ball was . The defender , of course , was very good at his job and kept the ball from me . But I just ran straight into him and knocked him down . Oh , everyone was trying to get me right then . I kicked around the ball , trying to go towards the goal , until I remembered that I wasn 't very good at soccer , not really . So I picked it up . I picked it up with my hands , and I yelled out , " Fuck your sport ! Fuck your goalie ! I can do what I want ! " And I started to run with the ball , towards the goal . And then they clotheslined me . I 'm not sure who did it . But it happened , and now I am banned from all soccer matches in all the world , forever . Apparently you can 't do that , you can 't do the things that I have done . * * * This blog is steadily growing in readers , so I wanted to say : Hello ! And I wanted to remind everyone that what I wanted to do with this blog was to collect stories , to see what other people 's responses would be to this one idea . I don 't mind providing a new story every week , but I really was hoping that eventually people would start writing stories / poems of their own . So what I 'm saying is : please send me a submission . It 's not that difficult . I 'd really like to hear what you have to say . That being said , here 's this week 's story : * * * Killing a Sidewalkby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I tripped on the sidewalk , and immediately my thoughts turned to revenge . This sort of thing could not stand . So I turned all my attention to how best to kill a sidewalk . I bought some chalk and wrote " I SUCK " and " I AM TERRIBLE " and " STUPID " and " ASSFACE " on it . Wouldn 't you know , people thought I was talking about myself . And the rain came and washed it away anyhow . So in the middle of the night I got out of bed and went to the sidewalk and just sat there and took a huge dump , right there , right on the sidewalk . It was still there the next day . That would show it , I thought . But I knew that it wouldn 't last forever . Finally I realized that to end it once and for all , I would need to steal a jackhammer . You 'd be surprised how unlocked some public works facilities ' doors are . I had the good sense to borrow a hard hat and some earphones , too . " Fuck you ! " I said as I started the jackhammer . Yes , but I had never used one before and didn 't know how to . And maybe I messed some things up . And maybe I broke a water main and caused some complaints . But that sidewalk was completely fucked up beyond repair after I got done with it . Now the city council wants to repair it , of course , and they want to throw me in jail for several reasons . But I am not going to let that sidewalk get the better of me . Fucking asshole . * * * * * * Stealing Shitby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I woke up , and , fuck , I just had this urge to steal as many things as I could . I can 't tell you where it came from . It just happened . So I walk out of my place and down to the curb and there 's this bicycle there , and it 's just right there , and so I got some wire cutters and got the lock off and just rode it all around the city , feeling great . I rode it to a convenience store and I took a bunch of things off the shelves , just anything I could find , and I ran out with it . I saw this old beat up car in the parking lot , and I felt like if I took off with it I 'd be doing the owner a favor . It was so easy to break into . I turned it on , put on some music , and drove away . I went to a grocery store ; I felt like I need some food . I got one of those brown paper bags and filled it up with pop - tarts , potato chips , soda , olives , frosting , tiny cereals , interesting bread , and fancy cheeses . Then I went through the self - checkout aisle , only I neglected to self - checkout . By the time I got into my car and left , the thrill of stealing things was gone . I went back to my place and went to sleep . When I woke up I marveled over everything that I had stolen , and I thought to myself , this was a good day . The only thing is I might have to lay low , because on the news tonight there was some security camera footage and you could clearly see me , grabbing at everything I could , grinning all the time . * * * Insulting Catsby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I was walking on the sidewalk when I saw a cat . It was ugly . It was not the kind of cat that you would stop and pet if you saw it on the sidewalk . So I walked right past it . Then , for some reason , I decided to turn around and say , " Hey , cat ! You 're ugly ! And stupid ! I bet you have no cat friends and your owner won 't even give you any milk ! Ha ha ha ! " Then I turned back around and walked off . I looked behind me and saw the cat staring at me . I turned the corner and started walking around the block when I saw something out of the corner of my eye . I turned and saw that there was a cat running and it joined up with the first cat , who was following me . This second cat , too , was ugly . Well , I had already come this far , I thought . " Hey other cat ! " I said . " You look worse than that first cat ! Ha ! " And I turned around and kept walking . I hadn 't walked for five minutes when I saw there were now ten cats , all walking in - step with each other , staring straight at me . " Man , " I yelled , " it 's like an ugly cat convention ! You ought to have rented out city hall ! " Then something happened that I had never seen before . Out of every house , out from every tree , out from the bushes and underneath lawns and cars , out of every single hiding place came an ugly cat . There had to be more than one hundred there . I was surrounded . There were cats on every side of me , just waiting . So I said , " You all have to be the ugliest cats I have ever seen ! " They descended upon me like pigeons on bread . * * * Twenty stories is a lot of stories . For those of you who are just joining us , I run this website that posts a new story every Thursday , and I am looking for submissions , so email me your stories or poems or whatever . * * * Stolen Televisionby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I stole a TV from a department store . It was so easy . I just picked it up , carried it out , and ran . I made sure I went on a very busy day , so that I would get lost in the crowd . I thought that no one had seen me . I put it in my house and enjoyed all my new found television success . But I could only get broadcast channels , because I didn 't want to pay for cable . So I was distraught for a while . In time I was working on a way to try to get cable , involving much plans and blueprints and other drawings , when there was a knock on the door . I opened it to find men from the department store , holding baseball bats , asking me where the TV was . It turned out that on their inventory they did notice that a TV was missing , and someone got out the security footage , and that the TV itself actually had a tracking device on it . Who knew , right ? They beat the shit out of me , they put me in an interrogation room and hooked me up to several devices , they kept saying things like " no one can help you now " and " you are the lowest form of scum . " I thought it was a bit excessive . Long story short , I don 't have a TV or cable now anymore , but I do have many , many bruises and scars . * * * Not sure why a lot of my stories focus on eating . I 'm not that good at describing it . Oh well . * * * Live Animalsby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I wanted to eat a live animal . I was watching TV and they had this guy who ate the beating heart of a frog . " Not bad , " was all he said . He didn 't bother to say what it was like . I thought it was rude . So I thought , I 'll one - up this guy . I 'll get a camera , eat an animal , put it on YouTube and get one million hits . It was perfect . I started small , with a mouse . The guy at the pet store looked at me funny when I wasn 't interested in any pellets or water or shavings . I set up my camera on a table at home and turned it on . " Okay , " I said . " I am going to eat a mouse ! " I picked the mouse up in my hands and stared at it in the eye . " Sorry , " I said . I put it in my mouth . Well , I didn 't end up eating it . I spit it out almost immediately . " Jesus fucking Christ ! " I said . " That tastes awful ! " I realized that I had no idea where the mouse had been . I felt sorry for what I had done . At first I thought I wouldn 't put the video on YouTube , but then I thought , if you 're going to make a bad decision , you have to air it out publicly , for everyone to see . How else will anybody know ? So far I 've only gotten five viewings . * * * * * * Swearing Contestby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . " Shit , " I said to myself , " fuck . " I decided that those words were all that I would say . I went to my neighbor and I said " fuck ! " She just turned away . At work I said shit and fuck to my bosses and my co - workers . They were not impressed . " I can say fuck more times than you can , " said my boss . " Like fuck you can , " I said . So we both stood up . Someone got a stop watch out . " Ready ? " they said . " Go ! " " Fuck ! " I said . " Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ! " And so on and so on . I was getting creative with it , making up crazy rhythms , slapping my knee to keep time . At the end of thirty seconds I had said fuck 125 times . " Not bad , " said my boss . " Not too bad , anyway . " " All right , go ! " they said to my boss , and he took off . It was like watching the space shuttle launching , but not on TV , like you are right next to it and your ears will never work again . The thing is , although he was saying " fuck " so fast , you could clearly make out every word , every syllable . When time was called , he had said fuck 986 times . " Shit , " I said . " By the way , you 're fired , " he said . So now I don 't have a job per se , and he and I got sued for harassment , which is bullshit and I will fight it . But I 'm concerned about what will happen when I apply for a new job , and I give them my boss ' number as a reference . * * * * * * Foreign Landsby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I went off to foreign lands for a vacation , mostly around Europe . Every new country is a new opportunity to make a bad decision . You don 't know anybody there , and sometimes you don 't even know the language . What are they going to do , deport you ? And even if they do , you were going back home anyway . I was arrested after a soccer riot in Spain . They found many , many drugs on me . I am not ashamed . In France I attempted to beat a man up , but this proved to be difficult . I didn 't go to a hospital . I take pride in that . I tried to have an affair in Luxembourg , but the language barrier kept getting in the way . I don 't even know what they speak in Luxembourg . In Switzerland I ate as much chocolate as I could , as fast as I could . I had to go to the hospital for that one . Finally in England I wore a shirt that said " AMERICA " in big letters and had a big flag on it and went into the seediest bars I could find . I don 't really want to talk about it right now . I returned home satisfied that Europe was okay and the land of bad decisions is indeed an international place . It has no borders . It is inside all of us . * * * Here is this week 's story . I like this one . Please enjoy . * * * Unkind to a Dogby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I was unkind to a dog . When it wanted food I would not give it much . I would be cross and moody whenever we went for walks . I refused to pick up after it . If it barked at me I would just tell it to shut up . I hate leashes . I don 't like other dog owners , either . Basically , the dog and I didn 't get along . The dog is passive - aggressive . When it wants something it will act like it doesn 't . He 'll go to the door and just wait there and look at me . He has this unblinking stare that dogs shouldn 't have . He can stop his tail from moving at all . It 's uncanny . I realized that we weren 't getting on together , so I decided I had to get rid of him . I also decided I should do it illegally . I went to an alley somewhere in town , put it there , and then left . It was no good because he followed me home . I should have run faster . I was thinking of putting him in the car and driving out to a field and letting him go there , but whenever I put him in the car he gets sick . I didn 't want to clean up dog vomit as a parting gift . So one night I waited until it was dark , crept up to him , grabbed him and put him outside . He was upset . I figured the best way to make him unwelcome is never to let him in again . Of course this comes with problems , such as I have to be extra careful when I go outside lest he should get in sometime . I am also worried that he could be digging . I think my best option at this point is to get some dog food and put it in a far away location so that he will be attracted to it . If I get enough food he probably will not need to return . I have enough going on in my life that I don 't need a dog to give me trouble . * * * Here is a story that does not have anything to do with food . * * * Chicken Fightby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I was drunk and I found myself in the middle of a farm . I thought I knew what I was doing . There were some free - range chickens just in the field , walking around . I had never seen a chicken before that wasn 't breaded or grilled . These were real and in front of me . I wanted to make them fight each other . First I tried running around them to get them into a circle , but I realized that wouldn 't work . A fight would have to spring naturally from a conflict . I saw a chicken by itself , looking tough . I walked over to it , got real close and said , " That chicken over there ? Says you 're an idiot . " It pecked me in the face . It must have known that the chicken I was talking about was actually okay . So I walked over to another chicken and grabbed it , and held it up . It started making chicken noises . I threw it at a pile of chickens . And sure enough , these chickens started brawling . Oh , it was everywhere . These chickens were rough with each other , they did not hold anything back . A lot of chickens were stumbling out with broken limbs . Feathers were lost . After a while I started to run away . I think they must have recognized that I had caused this , because I thought I saw them coming after me . I managed to escape safely , though . Now whenever I go to KFC I wonder if those chickens still have the fighting spirit within them . If I could find the farm again , I 'd want to go back . Of course they might have good memories , though . That 's the problem with some of the things I do - once you do something , you 're not welcome back there ever again . * * * Here is a new story for you on this nice Thursday . * * * Expired Foodby Dan SchwartzI was looking in my refrigerator when I noticed that a lot of the food had tiny dates printed on them , and a lot of the dates corresponded to a few months ago . The milk felt solid . I opened it up and poured myself a glass and drank it . I spat it out immediately . Then I thought , if I 'm going to do this , then I have to do this right . I ate some stale cereal . I found some raw meat , and at first I thought I was going to cook it , but then I couldn 't decide . I saved it for later . There was some brown salsa , I think it might have been guacamole once . Some cheese I could not even cut with a knife . I had no choice but to eat it whole . Coming back to the meat , the ground beef , I decided that raw was the only way to go . I 've already made this many bad decisions , why not make another one ? I should point out here that none of this tasted very good . Anyway . I finished it all off with a glass of water and took a walk . I didn 't get very far , and decided that perhaps a hospital is needed . Still , though , I finally can say that I 've done it , because I never thought that I would get the chance to . * * * Lucky number thirteen . Sorry this one is so late . * * * Fireby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I lit a fire . In a bookstore . Oh , you 're not going to like me for this one . Don 't get me wrong , I love books , I like books . But I just had the sudden idea , and I was in the middle of the non - fiction section , and I couldn 't wait . So I took out my matches and I lit a book about politics in Malaysia from 1800 - 1845 . I thought that would be it , really . I would put it on the ground , let it burn for a while , and leave . Well , the flames spread to another book , and then another , and , well , you can tell what happened next . Luckily no one was hurt . Everyone escaped the bookstore in time . And the sprinklers came on , too , so all the books that weren 't burned were soaked instead . I really didn 't think it would get out of hand . Of course , now I am banned from all bookstores , and libraries , universities , and most public parks . I 'm an " arsonist , " they say . Yeah , right . I just wanted to start one small fire ! Is that so bad ? It wasn 't supposed to get out of control . I 'm sorry , I 'm sorry . Or , you know what ? I have no regrets . Yeah , that 's how it should be . * * * This story is based on something that happened over the weekend , though luckily it didn 't go like this . Maybe that 's one of the good things about writing these stories - we can see what could have happened , and remember not to do that . * * * Pulled Overby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I was doing 95 when I saw the flashing lights of a police car ahead , all white and red and blue , and I slowed down and moved to the side of the road . I got my registration out from the glove compartment and waited as the cop walked over to my driver 's side window . I rolled it down as he shined a light in my face . " State trooper , can I see your license ? " he said . I handed them to him . He looked them over , unhappily . " Do you know how fast you were doing ? " he said . The voice was like that of your least favorite uncle , disappointed again . " 70 ? " I say . Five miles over the speed limit doesn 't seem too bad . " 97 , " he says . " In a 65 area . What are you going so fast for ? " He did not really care about the answer , so I didn 't either . He went back to his car to take down my information . That 's when I decided , fuck it . Who gives a good damn . I opened the door and stepped out of my vehicle . I started to walk away . " Sir ! " he said , going for his gun . " Get back in the car ! " " Fuck it , " I said . " Take the car , go and impound it . And fuck you and your fucking shit , too . " I turned and headed down the road . It was a cool night and I didn 't know what I should do . I thought I should try hitchhiking , maybe , or , hey , just walking back on my own , even though it would take another hour . Then the cop came up from behind me and pinned me to the ground , putting his knee directly above my heart and tying my hands behind my back . " Asshole , " I tried to say , though the breath had literally been knocked out of me . " Way to fuck up a good evening . " * * * * * * Broken Bottleby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . In the middle of a bar , I decided that I wanted to start a fight . So I took the beer bottle I had in my hand and smashed it against the bar , and waved it around at people , yelling , " You wanna go ? You wanna go ? " ( What I didn 't know was that I had smashed it wrong , and parts of the bottle cut through my arm . ) The problem was that nobody had even done anything to me . I just was starting shit for no reason . So when everybody realized that they had no idea who I was , and that I was being an asshole , everybody started rushing the bar . Suddenly I was on the floor , being trampled upon , being kicked , having more bottles thrown at me . Eventually the bartender , though on their side , told them to leave me alone . I stumbled up and the bartender literally threw me out . In the hospital I was told that I had lost a lot of blood . When I got out , I bought a lot of beer and practiced smashing them at home , so that I would be ready that time . It took a few more trips to the hospital , but I think I finally got it right . I am trying to be an expert . They ought to have bar fight competitions , televised all over and as popular as NASCAR . People should place their bets on me . I 'm slow , but I 'm learning at it . I am getting ready . * * * Today , I present the first story on LOBD not written by myself ! Yes , Annalee Flower Horne has submitted a story for your enjoyment . It 's a good one , too . Annalee is a talented writer who you should know and revere . Temples are being set up as we speak . She has her own website and livejournal . She is even going to set up an LJ feed for this very blog . Remember : Annalee is GOOD AT EVERYTHING . And now , her story . * * * Red Lineby Annalee Flower HorneI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . So I jumped in front of a train . It didn 't kill me . Which is good , I suppose , because I didn 't want to die . I just wanted to jump . I wanted that moment - - that rush of air ; that collective gasp from the crowd on the platform ; that train 's eye view of the tunnel - - that comes between the red hexagonal tiles and the impact . So I jumped in front of a train . I don 't remember much anymore , but I do remember that moment . I return to it sometimes when I 'm drifting off to sleep . I 'll probably spend the rest of my life hearing the echo of that perfect , noisy silence . It didn 't kill me , but I lost three months . I didn 't recognize the people in my room when I woke up ( the nurses called them ; something to do with my vitals improving ) . I knew I should recognize them . I knew they recognized me . I knew they loved me . They 'd spent three months holding their breath for me ; waiting . And they looked so familiar . Familiar strangers . I know they were disappointed . Three months of waiting for a stranger to wake up . A stranger who looks the same , and sounds the same , and even likes most of the same things and gets on with most of the same people . But a stranger all the same . They were waiting for someone else - - someone who never got off of that train . I know I 'd be disappointed . I think perhaps I was disappointed before all of this . I think I was disappointed in the way things had turned out . The rat race . . . the salt mines . . . whatever we 're calling it these days . So I jumped in frPosted by First new story of July . Much like a volcano , I 'm still excited . Happy 4th of July , by the way . * * * Three Centsby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . And one bad decision begets another . Just yesterday I was at the grocery store when , getting my change back , I noticed that the cashier had given me an extra three cents . I could have said something , but I didn 't . I took my things and I left the store . I used my three cents to buy booze . And yes , I know what you 're thinking : three cents is not enough to buy any worthwhile alcoholic beverage . And I would agree with you - - but if you take out the word worthwhile , then all sorts of possibilities open up . In a matter of minutes I was stumbling along the sidewalk , unable to keep my balance . I fell down . Since it was still the middle of the afternoon , people were walking over me , not stopping to look down . I took a nap . When I woke up , many hours later , my head hurt and my pants had been taken . I got up and I walked back to my place . I took a shower and cleaned myself up . It was the middle of the night now , but I wasn 't tired . I stayed up , watched TV , and thought about what I was going to do tomorrow . * * * Kind of strange today , please do not mind . And please write a better story than me and send it to me . * * * Hoarding Soapby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . In the shower , I held the bar of soap in my hand and slowly turned it around and around in my fingers , feeling the ivory or whatever sliding between my fingers , and I knew that this is what my life should be made of . So I went to the grocery store after I got dressed and bought every pack of soap that they had . After that , I went to the next grocery store and I did the same thing . I kept the the bars in the bathroom , but eventually I just started throwing them anywhere I could . Over the bedroom , around the TV , under the sink , in the basement . People wouldn 't come over any more because there was no place to sit . When I went out anywhere I 'd always carry two bars of soap with me , just in case . I never opened the boxes , oh no . I just liked having them there . Someone suggested the term security blanket , well , I don 't know . Maybe . It was a comfort , I 'll say that . Then one night the water pipes in my house broke and the place became flooded , and the next thing I knew I was riding a wave of soap water , of discharge . I grabbed what I could and floated away . It 's all gone , now . And so am I . Once you 've gone somewhere like that , you can 't go back . Nothing else comes close . * * * Here 's another story , sorry if it is late . Please remember to send submissions of your own ! * * * Robbing a Bankby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I was just going to deposit my check like a regular person , just do everything normal , when suddenly on the back of the slip I wrote a little note . Just to tell the teller how I felt . I got in line and waited . If it had been a minute more I might have turned around . I got to the window and handed the slip . I had written , Dear Teller , This is a robbery . I have a gun . Please put in an envelope as much money as you can . I am serious . Signed , ( But I didn 't sign it at the end . ) The teller looked at me for a minute . Then she said , " Can I see it ? " " What ? " I said . " Your gun . I want to see it . " " Uh - - " " Right . One moment , sir . " She must have hit an alarm or something , because next thing I know I 'm on the floor . They were lenient with me because I they said I was the stupidest person they had ever met , but I still had to do some jail time . Jail , to me , is not the land of bad decisions . For some it 's a stop along the way . For others it 's what happens when you 've just missed it . The exit after the one you wanted . I cannot wait to get out . * * * Another story from me this week , a little different though . * * * Mexicoby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . Except sometimes you don 't realize that something is a bad decision until after it happens . You can feel it running through you . Like hearing a rolling thunder and then still jumping at the flash of lightning . You know something is coming . For example , I took a vacation to Mexico . I had most of it planned out . Then I thought I would deviate a little , and I went to a place I had never heard of , just to see what was there . Now that I am in jail I have a lot of time to think about how it started . Bad decisions beget bad decisions , one leads to another . But thinking like this is problematic . Killing him was a bad decision , yes . But if I want to know where it started , how far back would I go ? As far back as leaving my vacation plan ? Or even coming to Mexico in the first place ? Or even further , such as being born ? But I can 't think like that , because thinking like that means that everything was in place before I arrived , and that it isn 't my fault . And I know that it is my fault , and I will take responsibility . I know I made a bad decision , but I just wish I knew what the first one was . Another story for you all . Please remember to submit ! * * * Breaking Upby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . When Jenny came over I said to her , " I 'm seeing your mother . " " Oh , when ? " she said . I didn 't say anything . Her smile dropped . " Wait , what ? " I repeated myself . She stared at me , the way someone stares out of an airplane window . " Hold on , " she said . " Hold on . No . You can 't be serious . " " Remember that weekend that you went away with your friends ? " I said . " Well , I went over to your parents ' house , and , well . " She hit me on the cheek . It turned red . " Sorry , " I said . " No you 're not ! " she yelled . She hit me again . She stood up , almost knocking her chair over . When she turned around I started laughing . " What in fuck is so funny ? " she said , putting a full stop after each word . " I really had you going there for a minute . Man . It 's just too easy , " I said . Long story short , we 're not really talking to each other anymore . * * * Here 's a new story . Remember , stories can be fictional or non - fictional . This one is fictional . Please , send some stories ! It 's not supposed to be just me here , I wanted there to be a community of sorts . But oh well ! Here it is . * * * No Phone by Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . Without thinking I picked up my telephone and threw it out the second - story window . I stopped . I stood there , and I couldn 't even hear it smash as it hit the ground . When I looked over the edge of the window I saw it in tiny pieces , next to some birds . There was an orange cat out there as well , surprised , but ready to continue . Someone tried to call me after that , but I didn 't hear it . I was in my bed , asleep . Now if people want to contact me they have to write me a letter . I don 't mind costing people postage . I 'm wondering what would happen if I changed my address without telling anyone . Could they find me then ? How far does information travel ? I don 't know why I want to do this . I don 't mind people . Hell , I like people . I think it 's just that I want to know certain things . I want the knowledge that only comes from being at a disadvantage . Is that wrong ? I 'd like to see what it would be like . I don 't believe that everything happens for a reason . * * * Here 's what 's up : I 'm going to try to post a new story here every Thursday . If I get more submissions , of course , I 'll post more often , but you will get one new story from me every week . So here 's this week 's one : * * * Cheese Graterby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I was grating Parmesan cheese the other day , to make a salad , when I thought to myself , what else can I grate with this ? So I took a knife and I used my grater and I grated it . The knife was in very small pieces . Feeling good , I turned the cheese grater on to everything in the house . My toaster is now like a pile of ashes . I started with metal things , then went on to fruits , vegetables , meats , yogurt , jars of pickles , and anything else I could find in the fridge . I went upstairs and grated everything in the bathroom , then I went to my room and grated my walls , my posters , my boxes of things . I tried grating the cat but she got upset , and scratched me , and I respected that , so I left her alone . Eventually I went outside and started using the grater on the walls itself . It cut through the bricks . Eventually part of the house fell down around me , and I feared I was trapped . But , I just grated my way out . Now me and my cheese grater travel around the earth , looking for things to grate . It is amazing how satisfied I feel . You don 't even know . It 's a feeling that I don 't think I can describe . It 's knowing that you can do anything , knowing that you have a purpose in this world , that you are good for at least one thing . I think that 's what it 's like . * * * Here 's the second story . Why don 't you submit a story as well ? It is easy to do . I am writing these stories but you do not need to follow my examples ! Only the rules . So , with that in mind : * * * Trash Canby Dan SchwartzI wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . Walking down the street I saw a trash can on the corner . It was nearly full . Without thinking I ran up to it and pushed it over , spilling all of its contents out onto the sidewalk . There were people around who gave me strange looks , but I didn 't mind . All of this garbage was just on the floor , old kleenexes , soda cans , McDonalds bags , a few pens , and what appeared to be a dead animal . Then I started dancing around it , sure in my joy , screaming things out loud . I took some of the garbage and I put it on myself . Then I climbed into the empty trash can , and shouted , I am a grouch , I am a homeless person ! I was good at being inconsiderate . I rolled around in the trash until even I couldn 't stand the stench . A week later I was told I had several diseases , but I didn 't mind so much . I just waited for them to go away . I still keep some of the garbage in my home , just as a reminder . * * * Here is the first story of the Land of Bad Decisions . I wrote this story in about five minutes , maybe an hour before I performed it at the Terpoets open mic . It is very simple . Note : stories do not have to end the way that I ended my story ; they can end in any way they need to . * * * Untitledby Dan SchwartzOn a whim , I decided to try to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . I decided to try to kick a pigeon . I wandered city streets and plazas , looking for my chance . I went to parks and statues . Finally I saw a fat , plump one eating some discarded bread . I lifted my leg back , and let it swing through . I made contact with it and sent it flying a couple of feet . I felt great . I had finally accomplished a dream ! But what I did not know was that it was a carrier pigeon , and that it was heartsick , and that it was angry at the world . It looked at me with hatred in its eyes , then flew up and pecked its beak into my face . I ran down the park , the pigeon attached to me . Young couples did not notice , but some small kids and adults did . When I got to the subway I knew that I had to convince the pigeon to leave . I begged with him , but he just stayed . He wanted to know , what kind of stupid fucking asshole was I ? Eventually I was able to tear him away . He said , what the fuck , man . What the fuck . I had no answers . This was the kind of thing that I would have to deal with . I told him I 'm sorry , but that 's the way I am . He took off and shat on my head . I stopped by a restaurant to wash myself off . I was not ashamed . I even ordered some nice food afterwards . I am happy here in the land of bad decisions . There is a good rent here . Neighbors are unkind , but they don 't bother me . I have fun times . Maybe you would like to visit . I don 't know . I can 't tell . Well . I have to talk to my landlord about the water problem though . * * * Here are THE RULES for the Land of Bad Decisions writing blog : 1 . Submissions must begin with this : " I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions . In order to live in the land of bad decisions , you have to make some bad decisions . " 2 . Submissions can either be fictional or non - fictional . 3 . Submissions end when they are done . 4 . Submissions must be about a bad decision . 5 . Submissions must be sent to djfschwartz [ at ] gmail [ dot ] com , with the subject line being " LOBD . " That 's about it . Amendments may be made at a later time , determined by necessity . This is a writing blog , compiling stories and poems that will be sent in that all follow a certain theme . I came up with this after writing a quick story about a bad decision . While taking an exam , I realized that it would actually make a good series of stories , and that everyone should be able to participate . So , with that in mind , I am setting up this blog . How it works is , you write a story , following the rules that will be posted in The Rules post . Then , email it to me . Then I put it on this website . Simple . That 's about it . Why am I doing this ? Cause I think it would be fun . Really I am just soliciting stories and poems , or whatever it is you want to write . I know there are a lot of talented writers out there . I 'd love to see what it is that you can come up with . Email questions and submissions to : djfschwartz [ at ] gmail [ dot ] com . Sincerely , - Dan Schwartz