I wasn 't too happy when the knocking started on my door that morning . Nobody 's welcome out here except UPS and customers , and I wasn 't expecting any deliveries , and customers have to call first . New buyers have to be referred by people I know . That 's a rule . I check references , too . I don 't let anybody in who isn 't vouched for , and even so , it 's amazing I 've never had cops out here . Some of my buyers ask why I didn 't go legit when the medical - marijuana bill passed four years ago , but that 's a no - brainer : I do not need the government crawling up my backside to regulate me , and I have a lot more customers this way , and I make a lot more money . Being legal would be nothing but a pain in the ass , even if I didn 't have to worry about keeping people from finding out about the space cucumbers . So when the knocking started , I thought , shit , government , and my stomach tied up in a knot . I 'd have pretended I wasn 't home , but you can get stranded motorists out here too , and the sooner you let them use your phone or whatever , the sooner they go away . So when I heard that knock and looked out and didn 't recognize who was there - some bearded guy pushing forty , about my age , in jeans and a plaid shirt and hiking boots , had tree - hugging liberal written all over him - I grabbed my gun and yelled through the door , " Who is it ? " Since it was only one guy , that made cops less likely , but on the other hand his car was in front of the house , a nice little Toyota , which made mechanical failure less likely , too . Maybe he had to use the bathroom , in which case I 'd tell him to use the desert . If he needed water I 'd give him some , though . You always give people water , out here . You 'd think people would know not to drive anywhere in this state without extra water in the car , but between the dumb college kids from Reno and the morons moving here from California , the average survival IQ in Nevada isn 't what it should be . This guy was too old to be in college , so I pegged him as Californian . Local folks only drive in the desert with four - wheel drive . " Yeah ? " Only buyers call me Welly : It 's a kind of code . I 'm Whit to everybody else , not that I 've talked to much of anybody else since Nancy Ann left . " Who wants to know ? " That name did . Sam used to be one of my best customers , out here once a month spending big money , until he suddenly stopped coming altogether about six months ago . No call , nothing . I 'd been wondering what happened to him , not that it 's any of my business . I 'd almost started to think of Sam as a friend , I 'd known him so long ; we 'd even gone skeet - shooting on my property a few times . " Yeah ? You know Sam , you know you have to call before you come out here . Sam knows that . " Shit . That was the first I knew of it . I hadn 't gotten any calls for three days , but that 's not unusual : You never know when business is going to be slow , and nobody else calls me . But it could still be a trick . " You wait just a minute , " I hollered through the door , and ran and picked up the phone . Dead . No dial tone . Nothing . Which meant I 'd have to get telephone repair people out here , but that would have to wait until the latest batch of cucumbers was gone . In the meantime , I turned on my cell phone in case anybody was trying to reach me . I don 't like the cell phone ; I don 't like having my conversations broadcast all over hell and gone for the government to spy on . But you have to have a cell phone for emergencies , just like you have to have water . If you miss a customer call , you could lose business . " Okay , " I hollered , back at the door . " Thank you for telling me about the telephone , but I can 't see you today . We can make an appointment - " Emergency ? Nobody 'd ever used that line on me before . My crop isn 't addictive , which is one of the things I like about it . You don 't get strung - out dopeheads at your door who 'd murder their own mothers for their next fix . Who needs that kind of trouble ? I checked my watch . The cucumbers were due to start singing in about thirty minutes , but sometimes they go off early . I 'm never sure exactly when they 've gotten here , which makes the timing tricky , and that means I wasn 't about to open the door . " If it 's an emergency , call 911 , Mr . Humphreys . I 'm not in that line of work . " " Welly , please . Sam 's very sick . He has cancer . He had surgery four months ago and now he 's having chemo and it 's making him sicker than a dog , and the prescription stuff isn 't working for him . He says it isn 't strong enough . He says yours is the best . He sent me out here with two hundred and fifty dollars to buy some . Please don 't send me back to that poor man empty - handed . " " Huh , " I said . I wasn 't surprised the government couldn 't grow good plants . They were probably growing oregano and charging pot prices for it ; you can 't trust those people as far as you can throw them . I started with the best stock when I got into business fifteen years ago , and I 've been refining it since then . Genetics was my favorite part of biology in high school . I looked at my watch again . I could run and get a quarter bag and shove it through the door and pull this Humphreys ' cash in , and it would all be over in ten seconds . And if the cucumbers started up and he heard them , I 'd tell him it was the TV . " You wait there , " I called out . " I 'll be right back . " I ran and got a quarter bag and a paper lunch sack , and put the gun on a shelf near the door , where I could grab it fast if I had to , but Humphreys couldn 't reach inside and get it , and then I opened the door a crack , as far as the chain would allow . " Here , " I said . I held up the quarter bag so he could see it , and dropped it in the lunch sack . " You pass the money through , you get this . " He held up a sheaf of bills and slipped them through . All singles and fives , Jesus , what had Sam been thinking ? Come to think of it , a quarter bag wouldn 't get him very far , not given Sam 's smoking habits , but I was guessing he didn 't have much money left over , after the cancer . He 'd probably been saving up since the chemo started , the poor bastard , and insurance wouldn 't pay for mine . I wondered if I should give him some extra for free - he 'd been a very good customer for a long time - but in the meantime , I started counting the bills . Old habits . While I was counting , Humphreys said drily , " Sam said you let him come into the house . " I could hear him more clearly now , with the door open , and something about his voice nagged at me . He had a little bit of an accent , English or Aussie maybe . Where had I heard a voice like that lately ? " I know Sam , " I said . " No offense . " I finished counting - it was all there - and then I handed the bag through . As I did , I got a good look at Humphreys ' face for the first time , and two things happened at once . The first thing was that I recognized him from TV . You just don 't see many preachers with Aussie accents feeding bag ladies on the news , especially when the preacher has one deformed ear , the right one , all ugly and lumpy and crumpled up like a cauliflower . I hadn 't picked up on the ear before because I 'd only gotten a side view of him when I looked out the window . The space cucumbers started coming here a few months after Nancy Ann ran off . I don 't know why they picked this place - it 's just a ranch house out in the middle of nowhere , halfway between Reno and Gerlach , with nothing to look at but sagebrush and lizards and alkali dust , so flat that the mountains on the horizon seem like a mirage - and I never have figured out how they keep from attracting the attention of the air base in Stead . Those bastards are government , and I figure they have to have instruments that can tell if you throw a penny in the air , and the cucumbers have to come in some kind of ship , or come down through the atmosphere , anyway . And you see those air base planes and ' copters doing maneuvers out here all the time , so I don 't know why they 've never picked up on what 's going on . I guess the cucumbers are smarter than they are . It 's not hard to be smarter than the government . I call them space cucumbers because they look like a sea cucumber I saw once - or at least , they look more like that than like anything else . My parents took me on a trip to San Diego when I was a kid , and we went to the aquarium there . They had all kinds of animals , scary ones like sharks and smart ones like dolphins and whales who did tricks , but for some reason , the one I always remembered best was the sea cucumber . It was lying in a tank of water , in this kind of petting zoo they had , and you could reach in and touch it . It was brown and very , very soft , and if somebody had grabbed it and started cutting it into pieces , it couldn 't have fought back . It didn 't swim or do tricks . It didn 't do anything . It just sat there . The aquarium lady said it ate by filtering tiny bits of food out of the water . It was a really boring animal , and I never have known why it made such an impression on me . Probably because I couldn 't figure out how a creature like that could survive in the ocean with sharks and lobsters and stingrays . " I guess sharks don 't think they taste good , " the aquarium lady said , but you could tell she didn 't know either . That cucumber was a mystery . Which is what mine are , too . They show up two or three at a time , every five or six weeks . I just open the door in the morning and there they are , waiting on my welcome mat . They 're much bigger than the sea cucumber in San Diego , about three feet tall and as thick around as a flagpole , and I can 't touch them because they 're wrapped in something like plastic . Like really thick shrink wrap . Or maybe that 's their skin , but I don 't think so : I think it 's some kind of spacesuit , and the animal 's the thing inside , the brown blobby cylindrical thing that hops along on nine stubby little legs , all clustered at the bottom of the cylinder , like tentacles . Hopping isn 't easy for them , you can tell - I don 't think it 's how they usually move around , wherever they come from - so I usually pick them up to carry them inside . Wherever they 're from , they 've come a long way to get here , and I figure if there 's anything I can do to make it easier for them , why not ? They 're always exactly air temperature , or the shrink wrap is , and they 're not as heavy as you 'd expect from their size . I can just stick them under my arm , like pieces of firewood . When the first ones came I was terrified , of course . The cucumbers would have been weird whenever they showed up , but Nancy Ann had just left , and I was out of my mind with grief and anger , smoking entirely too much of my own crop just to get to sleep at night . I felt like I was going crazy , and having space cucumbers on my welcome mat didn 't help . I didn 't know what they were or what they wanted . I didn 't know if they were going to kill me or take over the planet or poison the water supply , and I couldn 't ask anybody because that would have gotten the government involved , and even if I trusted the government I couldn 't have people tramping around my house and finding the plants and grow lights and sprinklers in the basement . I have one hell of a professional setup down there : no way I could argue personal use , even if possession weren 't still a felony for anybody without an approved medical condition . The first time they showed up and hopped into the house , I just went weak in the knees and started babbling at them , trying to figure out what they wanted , trying to find some way to communicate . Didn 't work , of course . If they can talk or understand me when I talk , I haven 't found any way to tell , not in all these years . Maybe the singing 's some kind of language , like what whales have , but if so I haven 't figured it out yet , and they never respond in any way I can tell when I say things to them . That first visit , they all hopped over to my wood stove and stood around it , shaking , and the entire forty - eight hours until they started singing , I don 't think I slept a wink . I didn 't know what they were going to do . I didn 't dare shoot them because I didn 't want to give them an excuse to destroy the planet , and anyway I could tell even then they had some kind of suit on , and if I broke through it and whatever they were made of came out , who knew what kind of plague I 'd start ? I never have breached one of those suits . They didn 't do anything that first time , of course , not until they started singing . When the noise started , I got into a duck - and - cover position under my coffee table because I thought they were going to attack me . And then when nothing happened and the singing stopped , I just crouched there , waiting , until about half an hour later the first one liquefied on me , and then within half an hour after that , the other two had gone gravy , too . You know those gravy packets that come with some kinds of TV dinners ? The plastic pouches you throw into boiling water and then pull out of the pot with tongs , so you can cut them open to pour the gravy out ? I guess some people use microwaves , but I think boiling water works better . Anyway , that 's what the cucumbers look like when they liquefy : giant gravy pouches . There 's a big sploosh , and then all of a sudden where there used to be something that looked like an animal , there 's just brown mush . If you pick up the suit then , it 's like holding a bag of thick brown water , and frankly it 's pretty disgusting . The first time I saw it , I nearly got sick , and then I got even more scared , wondering what would happen next . Nothing happened . Nothing 's ever happened , after they go gravy . I think they 're dead , then . As near as I can tell , they come here to die . Why they 'd come here , I have no idea . Don 't think I haven 't thought about it , but I 've never come up with any idea that makes sense . The first few times it happened , I thought they 'd just crashed here or gotten stranded , like motorists without water , and Earth had killed them somehow , or I had . But it 's been happening every five or six weeks for ten years , so now I think they come here deliberately . Maybe this is some kind of pilgrimage for them ; maybe my house was built on some kind of alien shrine , like Area 51 . I just don 't know . And I could be wrong , anyway . Maybe they aren 't dead at all . Maybe if I opened one of the suits up , they 'd come back to life . For a while I kept some of the cucumber - gravy bags stacked out where the newest ones could see them when they showed up ; I thought maybe they 'd show me somehow what to do with them . They never responded at all . It was like the gravy packets weren 't even there . Don 't ask me what kind of animal doesn 't recognize its own dead . Then I kept some of those first packets down in the basement , to see if they 'd change over time , but they didn 't . The suits keep whatever 's inside from decomposing more , I guess . Now I bury them . I 've got forty acres here . I don 't know what I 'll do when my land gets filled in . Go out into the desert , I guess , and try to find places where people won 't see me , places that aren 't likely to get developed . Who knows what would happen if a backhoe sliced through one of those suits ? None of the ones I 've buried have ever gotten dug up by coyotes . I guess the cucumbers , dead or alive , are as invisible to coyotes as they are to the government . And as far as I know , the government hasn 't seen me digging , either . I don 't dig any time I can see or hear planes or ' copters , not that that 's any guarantee . For a while at the beginning I thought maybe the cucumbers really were invisible , thought I was having hallucinations , losing it over Nancy Ann . I drove into Reno a bunch of times to use the Internet at the library - I won 't have a computer here because I don 't trust the government not to spy on what I 'm looking up - and did research , trying to find out if anyone else was reporting space aliens who looked like sea cucumbers . Nothing . I keep checking , every six months or so , but if other people are getting visits , I 've never found any sign of it . I 've read about crop circles and UFO abductions and all kinds of damnfool things , but never anything about singing cucumbers in plastic suits who turn into mush . After a few visits , I wasn 't scared of them anymore . They 're nothing if not predictable . Every five or six weeks I wake up and open the door and find a couple or three on my welcome mat . I 've never seen any bright lights in the middle of the night , or heard anything ; I just open the door and there they are . And they hop into the house , and forty - eight hours later , give or take an hour , they start singing . They sing for three to seven minutes , and within an hour after that , they go gravy . Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if they 'd never started coming . Would I still be living here ? Would I have taken all the money I 've made and moved to Hawaii , the way Nancy Ann and I always planned ? Would I have taken that trip around the world I dreamed about when I was a kid ? As it is , three or four times a year I take off for a week or two , always right after the latest cucumbers have gone gravy . I go someplace fancy , someplace that might as well be a different planet - New York or New Orleans or Bermuda - and I live it up . Good hotels , good food , high - class hookers . Those women like me . I tip well , and I treat them like human beings . They don 't have to worry that I 'll get ugly on them , and I don 't have to worry that they 'll break my heart . Works out for everybody . I could use Nevada hookers too , of course , the legal ones , and sometimes I do , but it feels less like a vacation that way . I 've learned what they like over the years , or I think I have . They like heat : They shake and shiver less the closer they are to the wood stove , or something else warm . I don 't like having them in my living room for anyone to see , so early on I covered up the windows in the den and got some heavy - duty space heaters in there , the most powerful ones I could find at Home Depot . I figure the cucumbers wouldn 't move close to things that made them shake less unless shaking less meant they were comfortable or happy , so I started paying attention to what else makes them shake . I feel itchy when they shake ; it 's like watching someone about to sneeze . They 're happier on soft things than on the floor , so I used to cover the floor of the den with pillows , but then one time I had an old black - and - white polka - dot beanbag chair and the cucumber sitting on that shook less than the ones on the pillows did . I experimented , moving them around - I felt fine picking them up by then - and all of them seemed to like the beanbag chair better , although some of them shook a little more on it than others did . They seem to have individual tastes , although I can 't tell them apart to look at them . So I went to Wal - Mart - no sense buying fancy when budget will do - and bought a bunch of beanbag chairs . One of them was a really ugly day - glo pink , and I found out the cucumbers liked that better than the other colors , so I went back to Wal - Mart , but they were out of pink ones . They had day - glo orange and yellow and green , so I got those . The cucumbers love those day - glo beanbags . They seem to have different favorite colors , so when they get here I have to spend some time moving them around to see which one likes which color . But all of them like the day - glo chairs better than anything else . The walls are another thing . Most of my house is decorated with Penthouse Pets and some Playboy pictures . That started as revenge after Nancy Ann left , but I kept doing it , because it makes me happy . Those women are even more beautiful than the hookers I hire , who can 't always arrange perfect lighting . But the cucumbers hate those pictures . Once I held one up to my favorite Penthouse Pet , as a kind of joke , and that cuke started shaking like it was about to explode . I tried it with a few others : same thing . Maybe they think naked humans look repulsive , the way lots of people would think the cucumbers themselves do . So I drove into the library and got out a bunch of art books and started showing them pictures . They don 't have eyes that I can tell , but if you hold a picture up to any place along the middle of the cucumber , it will respond . French painters , that 's how they voted . Especially Matisse and Monet . So now I 've got Matisse and Monet posters all over the walls of the den . I think those pictures are about as exciting as watching paint dry , and they seriously clash with the day - glo beanbags , not that I 'm Martha Stewart . But when I put the cucumbers in that room now , they hardly shake at all . Of course , there 's always the chance I 'm wrong about all of it . If there 's anything I 've learned , it 's that you can 't trust appearances , even in your own species . I loved Nancy Ann , and I thought she loved me . She was as beautiful as a Penthouse Pet , and she was smart and funny and taught me how to cook . I loved her even after she got religion ; I loved her even after she started telling me that I was going to go to hell for cursing and growing pot and reading Penthouse , even when she said I was possessed by the devil . I figured she was saying all those mean things because she loved me too and didn 't want me to go to hell , and even though I didn 't believe in hell and never have , I tried to make her happy . I didn 't shut down my business , of course , because we needed the money if we were going to move to Hawaii , which was what Nancy Ann wanted . She had expensive tastes , anyway : Diamonds and perfume and a new sports car every couple of years . She cut down on some of that stuff after she got religion , I 'll give her that . She said showiness was the sin of pride . Since she seemed serious about it , I tried to curse less , and I canceled my Penthouse subscription for a while , and I even went to church with her a couple of times , to hear the Reverend Jebediah Wilkins bellow about Jesus and Satan and hellfire and how we had to tithe to the Lord if we wanted to be saved , hallelujah , while people nodded and moaned and said , " Oh yes , tell it brother , " all around us . That church was the scariest thing I 've ever seen , much worse than space cucumbers could ever be . But I tried to love Nancy Ann through all of it , I really did . And I thought she was trying to love me too . And then one day I came home from a trip to town , where I 'd just bought her some of her favorite perfume , because it was her birthday and she deserved something nice on her birthday , even if it would have been pride any other time . And I found all her things gone and a note on the kitchen table saying she wouldn 't be back , because she 'd found true love with Jebediah Wilkins . She said she 'd be praying for me , oh yes she would , praying that I 'd change my sinful ways before the Lord struck me down and I burned in hellfire forever . So naturally I was not happy to have a preacher at my front door , staring at a space cucumber staggering in circles around my living room . The one time I 've got unwanted company , and that 's when the cucumbers have to go and do something different . I wish I could say I handled the whole thing calmly , but I didn 't . I flat - out panicked . I 'm not sure I 've ever moved that fast before ; I got the chain off the door and grabbed Humphreys and yanked him inside , and grabbed my gun off the shelf and aimed it at him . " The safety 's still on , " I said , raising my voice over the cucumbers ' singing , " but if you do anything funny , it won 't be , I 'll blow your head off , I swear to God - " Humphreys held his hands up and tried to say something , but it came out as a squeak . He was shaking worse than the cucumbers ever have , and I knew the cucumber behind me was too , although I couldn 't turn around to look , because I had to keep an eye on Humphreys . Don 't ask me what I thought he was going to do : go to the government , or start raving about Satan and try to burn my house down . All I knew was that I couldn 't let him leave , once he 'd seen the cucumber , and I 'd never killed a man before and didn 't want to , but I had no idea how else I was going to get out of this one , except that Sam was expecting Humphreys back with the crop and if Humphreys didn 't come back Sam would call the police and - You can see how clearly I was thinking . About all I could figure was that I was doomed . I couldn 't see any way out that didn 't involve a jail cell or worse . Humphreys found his voice , then . " Please , " he said . " Welly , don 't shoot me . I don 't - I don 't - " It occurred to me right then that if I could get that cucumber back into the den , where it belonged , maybe I could convince him he 'd just been seeing things . And he 'd just bought a quarter bag from me , which made him a felon too . He wouldn 't want his flock to know about that , except Sam . Preachers may be hypocrites , but most of them try to hide it . I had some leverage here . I started calming down . The cucumber in the living room stopped singing , too , so it was a little easier to think . " Sit down , " I said . " Right there . With your back to the wall . " He did , just slid down that wall with his hands still up , and I said , " If you don 't move , you 'll be fine . Got it ? " He nodded , his eyes still big , but he was watching me and the gun , not the cucumber . " Close your eyes , " I said , and he did - he was still shaking , you 'd better believe it - and I backed up , keeping the gun on him , and scooped that crazy lost cucumber back under my arm so I could take it back into the den . But it picked that very instant to go sploosh , and Humphreys ' eyes flew open at the extra noise - I guess he couldn 't help it - and he saw that bag of cucumber gravy , and he turned green and gulped and whatever he 'd had to eat that day came back up , all over his lap and my carpet . While he was heaving I backed up quick and opened the door to the den and tossed the gravy bag inside , and slammed the door shut again . I don 't know if Humphreys saw that or not ; he was busy reviewing the contents of his stomach . When he 'd finished losing his breakfast he looked up at me , his face wet the way it gets after you 've thrown up , and said , " I 'm sorry . I really am sorry . I 'll clean it up . If you bring me some soap and water and some rags - " " Never mind that , " I said . " I 'll clean it up myself . You just get out of here , Reverend . You get out of here and bring Sam his medicine . You didn 't see anything unusual , you hear me ? " " It wasn 't anything . " One of the other cucumbers stopped singing , and I said , " You haven 't seen or heard anything . Go on home , now . " He just looked at me . The third cucumber shut up , so the house was very quiet , all of a sudden . I still had the gun trained on Humphreys ; the safety was still on . I clicked it off and said , " Reverend , you need to go home now . " He swallowed . He 'd stopped shaking . When he spoke again , his voice was a lot calmer than it had been before . " Mr . Smith , I 've been in front of guns before . The worst you can do to me is kill me . I have to know one thing : That - that creature I didn 't see , is it dangerous ? " He shook his head again . " I wish that were true , but it 's not . What we pretend not to see is what harms us . And if anyone 's in danger - " " Nobody 's in danger but you , Reverend . " I was starting to panic again . This guy wasn 't going to let himself be convinced that the cucumber had just been his imagination . " As far as I know , the creature you didn 't see isn 't dangerous to anybody . Now go home ! " I lost it , then . Everything piled into my head in that one instant : how Nancy Ann had told me I was evil and how she 'd left me even though I tried to make her happy , and all the work I 'd done over the years to try to keep those cucumbers comfortable , to keep them from shaking . Jim Humphreys didn 't understand a single goddamn thing . " I didn 't kill it ! It just died ! That 's what they do ! They die ! That 's how they die ! They 've been coming here to die for ten years and you don 't know a single thing about it , but you think you know everything , don 't you ? You think those creatures are the minions of Satan and you think I 'm going to hell for taking care of them and for having pictures of naked women on the walls and for selling pot , and you think you can come in here and - " " Welly ! " he said . He sounded like I 'd hit him over the head with one of those beanbag chairs . " Welly , if I thought you were going to hell for selling marijuana , why would I have come here to buy some for Sam ? " " How do I know ? So you could preach to me about it ! So you could preach to Sam and tell him he 's going to hell ! He probably confessed that he 'd been smoking because he 's dying and scared for his soul , because you people have your hooks in him just like you got them into my wife . I bet you smoke yourself , don 't you ? I bet you stand up every Sunday and preach about how drugs are a sin and everybody has to give you their money so they 'll be saved , and then you come out here and spend that money on pot for yourself . All those fives and singles came from the collection plate , didn 't they ? Little old ladies giving you their last dollar and then you turn around and spend it on - " " It 's Sam 's money , " Jim Humphreys said . " The marijuana 's for him , Welly . You can call and ask him . I have a phone in the car . " " I 'm not done ! " I said . " You just listen to me . " It felt awfully good to yell at him like that , to have a man on the floor in front of me and to be able to point a gun at him and tell him exactly what I thought of him and have him not be able to do anything about it . It felt better than anything had felt in a long time . " I know about you people ! Don 't think I don 't ! I know how you ministers act in the pulpit , trying to scare ordinary folks who are just trying to get by and do the best they can , and then you turn around and you run off with people 's wives after you 've had the goddamned fucking nerve to make all that noise about the devil ! Your kind think they 're better than the rest of the world , don 't they ? Don 't they , Reverend ? You think you can tell me everything about who I am and how I should live my life , like you 've got God in your pocket . Your people think that all they have to do to be saved is to put somebody else down - " " My people , " said Jim Humphreys , very quietly , " believe in welcoming all strangers as Christ . " I squinted at him , because I couldn 't believe how calm he was , and he said , " Even strangers who aren 't human . I don 't think I need to tell you anything about that , Welly . I think you 've been welcoming strangers as Christ for - what did you say ? Ten years ? And if you 're doing a better job with them than you 're doing with me , well , that 's because you think I 'm not a stranger . You think you know who I am . But you 're wrong , Welly . I 'm a stranger , too . " I was ashamed , then , of how good I 'd felt when I was yelling at him . And then I got angry again because he 'd made me ashamed , which was what Nancy Ann and Jebediah had always tried to do . " High and mighty , aren 't you ? I bet you think I 'm the scum of the earth - " " I think you 're scared , " he said . " I think that if I were in your place , I 'd be scared too . And I think it must be awfully hard , having to watch things die like that for ten years , without being able to talk to anybody about it . " I got a lump in my throat when he said that . It shocked me , because I hadn 't cried since Nancy Ann left , and I was damned if I was going to start in front of this preacher . " It 's not like that , " I said . " It 's not like I know them . They all look the same and they all die the same way , and I don 't know how to talk to them . This is where they come and I do the best for them I can , but I don 't get attached , Reverend . So don 't get all sentimental . " He smiled , sitting there on the floor in his own puke . " All right . I won 't . But would you mind if I cleaned up the floor here ? " Kicking him out hadn 't worked . I might as well let him clean up his own mess . " Go on , " I said , and used the gun to wave him into the kitchen . " Bucket and rags are under the sink . " I watched while he filled the bucket with soapy water and carried it back into the living room and knelt down and cleaned up the mess . He did a good job ; he was careful about it . When he was done he took everything back into the kitchen and rinsed it all out , and then he put a little clean water in the bucket and turned around and looked at me . What the hell . He knew too much already ; I wasn 't going to get anywhere by trying to keep it from him . And I was starting to be curious about what he 'd think of them , frankly . And I guess I wanted him to see that I wasn 't just killing them . He 'd struck a nerve there I didn 't even know I had . I looked at my watch . We had twenty - five minutes before the others went gravy , max , if they hadn 't already . I didn 't know what had gotten into the one who ran into the living room . Maybe it was crazy or extra sick , or maybe the cucumbers were about to start pulling new tricks on me , in which case I couldn 't count on anything . " I don 't know if the others are still alive , " I said . " They may have gone gr - they may have died while we were out here . When they sing like that , it means they 're going to die pretty soon . So they may look like that other one , now . I 'm just warning you . " " Thank you , " he said . " I think I 'll be fine now . " So I took him into the den . It was way too hot in there , with the space heaters , but that 's how the cucumbers like it . I still had the gun with me , just in case Humphreys tried to pull something . The other two cucumbers were still solid . I 'd never taken a gun into the den before and I was a little worried about how they 'd respond , if they 'd start shaking again , but they didn 't even seem to notice . Jim Humphreys had a plan , you could tell . He didn 't pay attention to anything in that room except those two solid cucumbers . He got down on his knees right away and started muttering and waving his hands over the water in the bucket . Then he dipped his hand in the water and used it to make a sign of the cross on each cucumber - which was awfully brave , really , since it had taken me months to be comfortable touching them , but I guess he 'd seen that I was okay after picking that other one up - and mumbled some more . " Look at you , " I said . I didn 't know whether to be impressed or disgusted . " You talk about welcoming all strangers as Christ and here you are trying to do an exorcism - " He looked up at me , looking shocked . " Oh , no ! " Then he looked a little sheepish . " Emergency baptisms . Although it 's somewhat the same thing . " He rocked back on his heels and stood up and said , " Now what ? " " I don 't see why not , " I said . He nodded and sat down on the floor , and I sat on the polka - dot beanbag chair . " All right , Reverend . You tell me this . If all strangers are Christ already , why do they have to be baptized ? " Humphreys smiled . " You should be a theologian . That 's a good question . Mainly because it 's what I know how to do , and it makes me feel better . " " I have no idea . I don 't see how it can hurt them . " He looked around the room , then , up at the walls , and raised his eyebrows . " Matisse ? " " They like Matisse . Or I think they do . Don 't ask me , Reverend . I don 't know a damn thing . I do this and I do that , and I find chairs I think they like , and I say they 're dying , but I could be wrong about all of it . They 're not from around here . They 're not dogs or cats ; they 're not the same kind of animal we are at all . I try to keep them still and happy , but maybe when they 're still that means they 're in pain . Maybe I 've been torturing them all this time without meaning to . Maybe they 're invading Earth and I 'm the one making it possible , and in another ten years all these dead aliens are going to come back to life and take over the world . " He listened to me , his face still and serious . " Yes . It 's hard , isn 't it , not knowing if we 're doing the right thing ? I don 't think any of us ever know , not really . We do the best we can , and we pray to do more good than harm , but we have to trust God to see it all , and to sort it all out , and to forgive us when we go wrong . " " Good . What happened to your ear ? I saw you on TV , feeding those bag ladies . That 's how I knew who you were , when I saw your ear . " " It 's a birth defect . My family didn 't have enough money for plastic surgery . " He shrugged . " I used to keep my hair long to hide it , but it doesn 't bother me anymore . It 's a help in my work , frankly . People bring their scars to church . They bring the wounds they want healed , but they 're ashamed of them , too . If they can see mine , that makes it easier . " " I 'll just bet , " I said . Nancy Ann had a little scar on the inside of her left thigh , high up . It was a birthmark , too , like Humphreys ' ear . It didn 't take Jebediah very long to see that one , did it ? The second cucumber went sploosh , just then , and Humphreys and I both jumped a little . Humphreys didn 't puke this time ; he got back on his knees and made another sign of the cross and muttered some more . When he was done I picked up that gravy bag and put it in the corner with the other one , the one I 'd tossed back into the den from the living room , and then Humphreys and I sat back down to wait for the third cucumber to go gravy . Five minutes , now . " Damned if I know . Maybe they 're sick and their people send them away so they won 't infect everybody else . Maybe they 're dead already when they get here , and Earth 's their eternal reward . Now that 's scary , isn 't it ? Maybe when we die we 're all going to land on some alien 's doorstep , and we just have to hope they 'll have comfortable chairs for us and find out what kind of art we like . " My heaven will have Lay - Z - Boy recliners and Penthouse Pets , but I wasn 't going to tell Humphreys that . " What ? " But the last cucumber went sploosh , so I never did find out what Humphreys had been talking about . He did his little praying routine again , and I piled the third cucumber in the corner with the other two . So we piled the gravy bags into my pickup , and I threw a tarp over them and loaded up a couple of shovels , and then I drove out to the next gravesite . I 've been keeping track of where the cucumbers are , so I can pick a fresh place each time . I brought the gun with me , but that was in case we ran into snakes or something : I wasn 't worried about Humphreys anymore , not that way . He was good with a shovel , strong and fast . He hadn 't always been a preacher , you could tell . He 'd done manual labor someplace . Watching him dig , I started to get curious . When we stopped to take a break , I said , " So when were you in front of guns before ? " " In Africa . " He wiped the sweat off his face . " In Zaire , back during the eighties . A group of us were rebuilding a church . Mobutu 's thugs had burned it down because the clergy were speaking out against the government . And the soldiers came when we were rebuilding , and they lined us up against a wall and threatened to shoot us all . I still don 't know why they didn 't . They killed plenty of other people , before and after that . " His eyes got far away , then , and he said , " All the people I worked with there - they 're all dead now . " " No . " He started digging again , and I let him . I know how working with your hands can help , when you 're upset about something . I re - roofed the house all by myself , after Nancy Ann left . We got the cucumbers neatly buried , one to a grave , and Humphreys said a little prayer over each one , and then we got back into the truck to go back into the house . I was worried . I had to figure out what to do about him , and it would have been easier if he 'd been easier to hate . " Reverend , " I said , " you were right before . I 'm scared about what will happen if people find out about what 's been going on out here . " " I 'm not going to tell them , " he said . " This is under the seal of clerical confidentiality , Welly . I take that very seriously . " I didn 't know if I could believe him or not . I wanted to , but that 's not the same thing . " I just hope I can trust you , Reverend . " " I hope you 'll learn that you can . I can 't expect you to , yet . You 've only known me a few hours . Earning trust takes longer than that . " I grunted . That was a better answer than a lot of other people would have given . " Well , listen , you let me know when Sam dies . " " He may not die , not for a long time . We have to hope the chemo will work . We have to hope he 'll be healed . But if he dies , certainly , I 'll call you . " Humphreys smiled . " He 'll be having a church service , I have to warn you . " The paper lunch sack was still sitting in the hallway , next to where Humphreys had gotten sick . It was wet from the soapy water he 'd used . I threw the old sack away and got a fresh one , and then for good measure I threw another eighth into the plastic bag . I knew Sam would notice , and that kind of gesture 's good for business , if you don 't do it very often . I guess it was my way of gambling that he 'd stay alive . And if he mentioned it to Humphreys , maybe the Reverend would be more likely to keep his mouth shut . I took the sack back out and handed it to Humphreys . " I have something for you , too , " he said , and gave me his business card . " Call me if you ever want to talk , about anything at all . You can call me any time . Both my home number and the church number are on there . " " You 're welcome , Welly . " He held out his hand , and I shook it , and then he got back into his car and drove away . I watched his car until it disappeared , and then I went back into the house . I almost threw the business card away , but something made me toss it into one of my kitchen drawers instead . Don 't ask me what . It wasn 't like I planned on calling him . It was just a superstitious thing , maybe like what he 'd said about the emergency baptisms . Having his business card probably wasn 't going to help me , but it couldn 't hurt , either . I was hot , from all that digging . I opened the fridge and got out a beer and drank it down in one gulp . Then I got my cell phone and took it into the living room , and sat back in my recliner and started dialing the phone company . Susan Palwick is the author of four novels from Tor Books and a story collection from Tachyon Publications . Her short fiction has appeared in a variety of SF / F magazines and anthologies , including several Year 's Best volumes . She has won a Crawford Award and an MLA Alex Award and been shortlisted for the Mythopoeic and World Fantasy Awards . Currently an Associate Professor of English at the University of Nevada , Reno , she has spent twenty years teaching writing and literature and ten years providing spiritual care as a volunteer in a local emergency room . This experience both informed " Remote Presence " and inspired her upcoming career change ; in Fall 2017 , Susan will begin full - time studies in the MSW program at UNR , with the goal of becoming a medical social worker . She and her husband live with their three cats in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada .