Today I went to my best friend 's house for her 15th birthday party . She 's lucky that I love her because I wouldn 't be caught dead at a party like hers otherwise ! It was just her , her mother , her father , her brother - whom I love - and our friend Jasmine . There was no music so I don 't even know why they would bother to call it a party . But she seemed to be happy so I guess it wasn 't so bad . LeeAnna is used to that kind of stuff anyway so I guess it doesn 't faze her . She 's never been to a real party in her life . She probably wouldn 't even know what to do at party . She may be the cleanest girl I know . I swear if I touch her she 'll probably squeak ! But I really do love LeeAnna . She may be a square but she 's trustworthy and I don 't have any other trustworthy friends . All of my other friends have been jealous of me so at some point we always end up clashing . I 'll still keep them as friends though . You know what they say ; keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer . In a way , I wish that I were more like LeeAnna . At least her life is solid . There 's no shaking the love that her family has for each other . I 've never known anything like it but I can still recognize it when I see it . She has a mother that she can talk to and a father who grant it is mean to her but I 'm sure that it 's just because he cares so much . My life is the total opposite . I don 't know my father , nor do I ever want to . And my mother is probably my worst enemy . She makes my life a living hell . She hates me and she doesn 't try to mask it . LeeAnna complains about her sheltered existence but if she only knew that what she was missing isn 't worth it anyway ; except of course the music thing . That 's pushing it ! She should be able to listen to whatever kind of music that she wants . I really don 't see the point in keeping her away from music . I love music and I love to dance . When I get on the dance floor , all eyes are on me ! I get lost in the music and everyone , even my dance partner , disappears and it 's just me and the beats . My body moves like a smooth liquid and every movement feels effortless as my body seems to have a life of its own . I mean , sometimes I think that my body and the music become one and my mind just stands in awe of the beauty that they create . Next to fashion , dancing is my greatest passion . It is one o ' clock in the morning and my mother is not even home yet . You would think that she 's eighteen years old the way she goes out like she has no responsibility . I 'm sure that she 's out with Mr . Baldylocks . Mr . Baldylocks is my mother 's john . She resents my calling him that but it 's the truth . She doesn 't love him . She just uses him for his money while my stepfather is on the road with his band . The suckey thing about it is he 's my stepfather 's agent which is probably why my stepfather is on the road more than six months out of the year . My poor stepfather . He doesn 't even have a clue ! Well I 'm done waiting for her to come home . I 'm tired and I need my beauty rest . Tomorrow I 'll go to the mall with LeeAnna and help her pick out a new wardrobe for our junior year in high school . She really does need my help . She can be really Plain Jane . I woke up this morning to hear my mother and my sister yelling at each other . Actually , my sister was doing all of the yelling while my mother passively pleaded with her . I know that she 's my sister but I cannot stand that little girl . She 's snotty and evil and her face is just as ugly as her attitude ! I don 't remember there ever being a time that I got along with Brenda . She 's three years younger than I am and my mother doesn 't even make her listen to me . Of course that makes sense since Brenda doesn 't even listen to my mother . I have a thirteen year old brother named Kenny who my mother doesn 't make listen to me either . But thank goodness my brother isn 't as bad as Brenda . For the most part , the only real problem that I have with Kenny is that he 's a real slob . I 'm always picking up behind him and I hate that . I 'm always picking up behind Brenda and my mother too . They are the sloppiest people in the world to live with and I hate living in a mess . It makes my eye twitch . " Brianna , " My mother said coming into my room without knocking . " I 'm gonna need you to look after your sister today . I 've got an appointment . " " Brianna , I never worry about you . You have Satan 's blood . I 'd be more worried about the one who tried to get at you . " Why did she always bring that up ? Why did she always have to say things like that to me ? I don 't need to be reminded of where I come from . " Now take your sister to the mall and here . " She said handing me some money . " Buy her a couple of outfits for the first day of school . " With that , my mother turned around and walked out of my room . I stood wondering why I so often brought her to that point . I always knew what the outcome would be . She never disappointed me ; I 'll give her that . She always went right for the jugular with me and she never seemed to battle with regret afterward . In fact , she seemed to be itching to have a reason to bring it up and unfortunately , I 'm usually the one to give her the reason . I called up this guy Bobby that I know . Bobby isn 't much to look at but he always makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and sometimes after dealing with my mother , that 's exactly what I need . Bobby also has a sister whose Brenda 's age . Bobby 's sister is one of the few people that Brenda actually gets along with , so usually go outside while Bobby and I stay in my room with the door closed . Bobby may not be my type physically , but he 's really good at doing it . Maybe because I can easily tell him what I want and he 's very eager to do whatever I ask . When I called his house , Bobby 's mother answered the phone . She doesn 't like me very much . Something about me using her baby , but she gave Bobby the phone anyway . Bobby is too anxious to get me out in public with him but I always tell him , no haps man ! I can 't be seen in public with somebody like him . He 'll ruin my rep ! I called up LeeAnna to tell her that I wasn 't going to be able to go to the mall today . The last thing I want to do is go anywhere with Brenda in tow . When Lee picked up , I tried to explain that I couldn 't go to the mall today but she didn 't want to hear it . I didn 't tell her about Bobby . Nobody but my immediate family knows about him and they don 't even know the half of it ! By the time Lee was done with me , I 'd changed my mind and decided to go to the mall with her . She 's so slick . She used her secret weapon to get me out ; Jason ! I am so in love with Jason , it 's not even funny . He 's the only guy whose head I 've never been able to turn . Most of them turn sooner or later but Jason … he 's special . LeeAnna thinks that I want her brother because he 's a challenge for me but it 's so much more than that . He 's the kind of guy who I know that if I ever got him , he would respect me and even if another prettier face came along , it wouldn 't matter to him . He 's the kind of guy that if he loves you , it 's only you and that 's why I love Jason . Anyway , I called Bobby back and told him that he couldn 't come over . He started to whine on the phone about how I only use him when I have nothing else better to do . I quickly hung up on him . I didn 't feel like hearing him whine . Besides , he was actually right . So I got to the mall at about twelve to meet LeeAnna . I was disgusted to see that after all of that urging to get me here , she herself wasn 't even here ! She had a lot of nerve . I could 've been at home doing better things … When she finally did show her face , it was already going on two o ' clock ! I was just so glad to see her , I forgot all about wanting to slap her in the face . That girl has no idea how much it picks me up just to be around her . I 'm not lezzing out or anything ; it 's just that she 's probably the only real friend that I have in the world . I wanted to make my friend happy and watch her face light up so I told her about Mickey Butters being in the mall . She was so excited ! Although , I don 't really know what she sees in that character . She 's not even his speed . But if that 's what my best friend wants , I want to try and get it for her . But if he ever hurts her , he 'll have me to deal with ! We went looking for Mickey and when we finally found him and his friends , it just so happened that Bobby was with them today . Bobby is one of Mickey 's homiez but according to Bobby , nobody knows about us . I swore him to secrecy so they 'd better not know ! While LeeAnna was having her little conversation with Mickey , Bobby was shooting me pitiful looks from where he was standing . I wanted to motion for him to cool it or else somebody might figure something out . Instead I just ignored him like I 'd never seen him before . LeeAnna and I ended up having a good day at the mall . I always have a good time with her . She 's not fake or put on . She 's just exactly what you see . I like that . I guess if I 'd grown up in a nice family like hers , I 'd probably be well rounded too . But no , God must have been trying to make the angels laugh when he stuck me with my family . Well God , if you 're listening … It 's not funny ! ! ! Today my mom and I went to the mall . It 's kind of a ritual for us . We go shopping every two weeks because my mother gets paid bi - weekly . I think that if my mom got paid every week , we 'd probably be shopping every week ! That 's the one thing me and my mother definitely have in common ; we both love to shop ! Unfortunately , that 's probably the only thing that we have in common … There were a lot of kids from my school at the mall today . No doubt they were shopping for the new school year . I got a head start on my school shopping since I don 't need a special occasion to shop . Besides , I like to be the first person to wear something rather than buying it because I see ten other girls rockin it . Sometimes my mother and I will drive into New York or to this mall in Philly to shop . I love that because I 'll wear something that nobody else around here has ever even seen ! I love fashion ! I think it 's in my blood . And I 'm not just superficial about it either . I mean , I walk down the street dressing people in my mind ! I see a poor soul who maybe has some good pieces but doesn 't put it together correctly , right there on the spot , I can hook it up in my head and visualize the right piece to go with the pants or a better way to wear the shirt . I sometimes have to physically bite my tongue to keep myself from explaining this to the person . I spotted two girls from my school shopping together . They 're best friends . One of them is cool . Her name is LeeAnna and she also goes to my church . The other one is stuck up and I don 't really like her . We 've had issues since the beginning of the school year . My mother called out LeeAnna 's name and waved to her . LeeAnna smiled and waved at us as she always does . Her friend copped a stupid attitude with LeeAnna for waving at us . I wondered for a minute if they were more than just friends . Nah ! LeeAnna 's parents are really strict and won 't even let her date so I 'm sure that she 'd probably be too scared to roll that way . But then again , I 've seen stranger things happen than that so nothing much shocks me anymore … " We don 't have that kind of time today , Lisa . " My mom said as she checked out some shoes . " Brian 's coming over later today . " " I know you 'd better watch your tone young lady ! " My mom said looking up . " Besides , when am I ever really over with Brian ? He 's my soul mate . " I dropped my clothes on the floor and huffed out of the store . If there 's one thing that ruins my appetite for shopping , it 's arguing with my mother about men ! I could hear my mother calling after me to pick up the clothes but I kept on walking . I knew that I was going to pay for it when I got home but at that moment I couldn 't even care ! I just needed to get as far away from my mother as possible ! I jumped on a train and went into New York City . I just looked around and tried to clear my head . I couldn 't understand how my mother could be so foolish . It 's not like we 're talking about a dumb lady here either . She 's smart and strong ! This is a lady who earned herself a scholarship to Howard University and a year before she graduated became pregnant with me . However , she didn 't allow herself to drop out of school . She still pushed her way through and ended up graduating with honors and getting her degree in journalism . She now works for a major television network in New York . How in the world does a woman like that make such dumb choices when it comes to men ? And my own father was the biggest jerk of them all ! They met at Howard and he was on the football team . He was a starting center and from what she said , he was talking marriage from the time they started dating . She said that he knew that she was a virgin and was saving herself for marriage as did every other guy that tried their luck with her . My mother was a born again Christian from the time she was thirteen and by the time she 'd hit college , she 'd never even had a boyfriend yet . Besides , my mother was very focused on her studies . But she took one look at my father and she said that was it . She said that she just knew that he was the one . He put the pressure on her early on to sleep with him even though he was masquerading himself as a born again Christian also . My mother held out for a long time . He began threatening her that there were a lot of girls on campus willing to give him what he wanted and that he didn 't know how long he could wait . My mother knew that this was true because girls were always throwing themselves at him right in the front of her . Fear of losing him finally won out and she slept with him . She deeply regretted it after just the first time and she told him that it would be the last time they would be together . He didn 't care because he 'd gotten what he wanted and he dumped her in the same conversation . It wasn 't until weeks later that my mother found out that it only took one time to conceive a child . He of course denied ever touching her and my mother was too devastated from the break - up to push the issue . My mother gave birth to me two weeks before he got a contract to play pro - ball . Some of her close friends tried to convince her to go after him for child support but she refused . She finished college with a baby in her arms and no help from anybody . I keep the fact that my dad is famous a secret from all of my friends , or should I say , people that I know ? I really don 't have any friends . Not real friends anyway . But the truth is , I don 't want to deal with the drama of people wanting to be my friend just because my dad is famous . My friends are phony enough without knowing the truth . Besides , it 's not like they 'd get to meet him anyway since I 've never once laid eyes on the bum . He 's made it clear that he wants nothing to do with my mother or me because he feels that my mother tried to use him . The jerk ! At one time , not long after my mother joined a church again and committed herself back to God , she tried to look him up in an effort to let him get to know me . She said that she needed to put her personal feelings for him aside and do what was best for me . He sent us an autographed jersey and a letter that basically told my mother , thanks but no thanks . I was crushed . I was about nine years old at the time and I was excited about finally getting the opportunity to meet my father . I had a cute little fantasy in my mind about how it would turn out . How he 'd see me and kick himself for rejecting me all of those years . Needless to say , I don 't allow myself to believe in fantasies anymore . I don 't allow myself to believe in much of anything anymore . I refuse to let anybody disappoint me again so people are usually guilty until proven innocent in my book . I know that it 's a sucky way to live but at least I stay safe that way . I only wish that I could get my mother to see things my way . She 's so trusting of men that it 's sickening . That 's a trait of hers that I promised myself I would never adopt . The young dude that she 's going to see today has cheated on her countless times . She 's nothing but a consolation prize for him . When all else fails , I 'll just run back to Denise since she 's always ready willing and available . And what happens to all of those vows that she 's made to God when she starts seeing a man ? They 're out of the window . Anybody that 's even halfway observant in our church should be able to tell when my mother is dating somebody . We get to church a little late and leave just a tad early . When we do get there , we get back seats and she puts her head down through much of the sermon . I get so annoyed with her because if she feels that guilty about what she 's doing , I can 't understand why she doesn 't just stop ! I figured that I might as well make my way home since it was starting to get late . Besides , I had to face the music sooner or later . I 'd probably be punished for six months for humiliating her in public . I get lonely sometimes Lisa and sometimes I make desperate decisions out of that . But I 'm done with that . I 've decided to rededicate myself to God and I 'm no longer going to date . I 'm just too old for this game now . " I had to get out of my house today . My little sister was getting on my nerves . She and her best friend were at the house , in my room and just listening to their conversation was driving me crazy ! I tried to escape into the kitchen to make myself a snack but they spilled themselves into the living room and I could hear every annoying word coming out of their mouth . I grabbed my purse and got out of there . I don 't know why but even when I 'm not arguing with Brenda , she 's gets on my nerves . I can 't stand my own sister ! I swear , as soon as I can get out of that house , I 'm gone ! Eighteen cannot come soon enough for me . I 've got two and a half years and I 'm literally counting the days . I was still hungry since my snack at home was interrupted so I went to a Spanish restaurant near the college campus . It 's like the big hang out for the college kids . The food is fantabulous but the service could use some work . The girls that work there are all pretty cute . It 's probably a ploy to get a lot of guys in . Honestly , they really don 't need any ploys . The food really is amazing ! For some reason , some of the girls are so crappy to me every time I come in . and it 's definitely personal . I never see them treat anybody as badly as they treat me . They purposely overlook me when I 'm trying to order . They always give me a sloppy plate and forget at least one thing that I order . They even sometimes over charge me . Sometimes I wonder to myself why I keep going back . But seriously , their food is just that good ! When I walked in today it was packed and there was a long line at the register . I went to the food line to wait my turn to be served . My eyes were drawn to the back of the restaurant where this guy was staring at me . Not for nothing but guys are always checking me out . However , this was different . He looked kind of intense . He was standing with a girl who seemed to be hanging onto him , laughing and giggling in his ear but he was staring at me with a look that made me want to button up my blouse or something . I felt like he was looking right through me . I guess I was lost in thought staring back at him because all of a sudden , I heard a nasty voice speaking to me . " I guess . I mean a little . " The girl said . Then turning to me in accusation . " You come in here all the time . How come you never said that your family owned this place ? " " Nah , not today . " I said with a slight smile on my face . " But I 'll keep coming back to make sure that everything 's straight . " I turned back to the rude girl . " Monica , is it ? " After placing my order and getting the best service that I 'd ever received in that place , I took my food to go and started out of the restaurant . My head was still reeling over the entire incident , especially since my knight in shining armor disappeared as quickly as he had appeared . I guess he went back to his girlfriend . I wondered why he 'd made it his business to save me from Monica . " Maybe you just never noticed me . " I said feeling a little bit tingly . This guy wasn 't even my normal type of guy but he had an intense edge that left me curious . " Thank you . " I said trying to stifle a giggle . I was once told that young girls giggle a lot and I didn 't want to be mistaken for a young girl , even though I was ! " I don 't know . When do you want to see me again ? " I said flirting with my eyes although , this guy made me a little bit nervous ; but in a good way … " Uh … yeah . That 's cool for me . " I said quickly . I felt like he was running and I was trying to keep up with him . As I walked home with the aroma of my Spanish food in filling my nostrils , I thought about the mysterious stranger that I 'd met . He seemed nice but I could also tell that he was a challenge . It was probably because of his age . I 'm sure that he 's at least nineteen or twenty . The guys that I normally talked to were always all over me and begging to do whatever I wanted them to do . This guy was different . He was cool and indifferent . I 'm going to have to work hard to keep this one . What the heck was I talking about ? Brianna doesn 't work hard for any guy ! I always get my way with guys and if this guy doesn 't like it , then he can just walk ! But man , I hope that he likes it ! I sucked my teeth and turned around to see Bobby waving me down from across the street . This boy was getting way too bold with me ! He 'd pinned me up against a wall at school yesterday , demanding that I tell him where he stood with me . As he continued to talk , I realized that his lack of fear came from whatever he 'd been drinking . I 'd pushed him off of me and screamed on him . I 'm still pissed about that ! Bobby looked at me with an unbelieving stare and then he slowly backed down from my stoop and walked away without turning around . For a hot minute , I felt kind of bad for him . Then I reminded myself that he needed to learn his lesson ! Brianna Lewis belonged to nobody ! Besides , if I were going to belong to anybody , it surely wouldn 't be Bobby ! He was cool and all , but he was waaaay too needy and dating him openly would ruin my rep . Every ugly dude in the school would think they had a chance with me if I went out with Bobby . I went to meet my knight the next day promptly at four twenty . He 'd told me to meet him at four fifteen but I figured that I 'd let him wait a couple of minutes . I needed to see how much control I 'd have here . When I got to the outside of the restaurant , I spotted Damon going into the restaurant with his arm around another girl 's waist . I stopped dead in my tracks . He turned and spotted me as he held the door for his girlfriend . He gave me sorrowful eyes and then pointed at his watch , shrugged his shoulders and continued his stride into the restaurant . I felt like garbage . I just got played and it was not a good feeling at all . I felt so stupid ! Why would he do that ? He couldn 't wait just five minutes ? How rude of him ! What if I were in an accident ? What if traffic had held me up ; like I had to wait five minutes for the light to change before I crossed the street ? What if I 'd been robbed ? Would he have just held that against me ? I started to go into the restaurant and tell him about himself . I swung the door open but when I spotted him looking right at me , I lost my nerve and walked back out of the place . I felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted to go home and get into my bed . When I got home , I made a beeline for my room . Thankfully Brenda wasn 't home so I was able to have some peace and quiet while I cried my guts out . Truthfully , I wasn 't even sure why I was crying . I didn 't even know this guy . What the heck was I so emotional about ? He had played me like a fool . No guy has ever treated me so cold . I was usually the one in control ! Well that was it ! I 'd had it ! I was not going to let anybody get away with treating me like last year 's fashion ! He could kiss his chance with me goodbye ! I sat on my bed , wiped my tears and sighed deeply . This would be a good time to call Bobby and ask him to come over . He always takes my mind off things . I felt the need to be worshiped by someone . I went into the living room and grabbed the phone . I was stunned . She 'd hung up the phone on me ! I mean , I knew that she didn 't like me but that wasn 't an excuse to be rude , was it ? I decided to call my best friend , LeeAnna . Talking with her always made me feel better . I dialed her number but nobody picked up her phone . I went back into my room and slammed across my bed . I went back outside because I knew that if I stayed in the house with the way that I was feeling , Brenda and I would truly get into an argument . Besides , I needed the air anyway . I walked and walked until I was almost dizzy ! She was still shoving the pamphlet at me wanting desperately for me to take it . I grabbed the paper and looked down at it . " Where will YOU spend eternity ? " it read . I attempted to look enthusiastic about getting the pamphlet as I stuffed it into my pocket because I knew that religious people wanted you to be as excited about their Jesus as they were . I 've just never felt that way about Him . I mean , I guess it works for some people , but I really just don 't think that I 'm one of those people … I tried to smile in agreement with the lady because I knew that if she figured that I was a Christian , she 'd leave me alone . I should 've just stayed in the house with Brenda . At least in arguing or fighting with her , I would 've been able to let off some steam ! I sooooo didn 't want to do this today . I didn 't want to lie to a religious lady ! It 's not like I need to invite more trouble into my life ! I have enough already ! " But nothing . " She said putting her hand on mine . " He died for you . You cannot out - sin God 's ability to forgive you . He died for YOU ! " I looked at this lady who looked like she could 've been about eighty years old and I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . A prostitute ? When and where ? " Honey , I 'm not sure of many things but of this , I 'm truly sure ! He pulled me out of the pit and I haven 't been the same since . He can do the same thing for you ! " What if He really did love me ? I thought . What if His love really could rescue me from all of my pain ? My mother always told me that I have the devil 's blood running through my veins . What if He could change that ? What if I could be pure and clean like that lady said or like my best friend 's mother has told me so many times ? It just sounds so - so impossible ! What if I try and just get rejected again ? I don 't think I could take it ! I think that this guy got off on humiliating me . I was not about to stand here and let him continue . I decided to cut my losses and … He grabbed me and started to kiss me right in the middle of the sidewalk . I have never felt so connected to somebody in my entire life . It was incredibly intense ! I woke up feeling crabby this morning . I don 't know why I get like this at times but I was just not in the mood for anything today ! My mother came in my room to wake me up as she does every morning and I was so annoyed with her . She kind of giggled back at me when I scowled at her which only served to piss me off even further ! " You act like you have to walk across the street and up the block to get to my closet ! Our rooms are right next to each other ! What 's wrong with you getting it from my closet ? " " Lisa , in life when you borrow something , you can 't just wait for somebody to come and collect what you owe ! You know that you owe . Give it back ! " I wasn 't going to give her the satisfaction of arguing with her over her stupid jacket ! She acted like I needed her clothes or something . I stuck her jacket back in her closet and picked something out of my closet . It didn 't look nearly as good and now I had to change my pants but whatever ! " And Lisa , check your attitude at the door ! " She said . " You 're lucky that I didn 't make you dry clean the jacket first ! " My mood went from funky to lousy by the time I got to school . I didn 't want to be bothered and this would of course be the day that I 'd run into my ex - boyfriend , Kevin . He was still bitter about our break - up and every time I see him these days , he 'd go out of his way to try to make me feel like crap . He really has no clue who he 's dealing with . I 've never been one to let a guy intimidate me and I 'm not starting today ! " Quit it , Kevin ! The other day you were trying to play me in front of your friends and all of a sudden , today you want to be my friend ? Please ! " " Why you so hard all the time ? All a brotha wanna do is get close to you ! Is that so bad ? I 'm just keeping it real ? " " You had your chance to be close to me Kevin but you messed it up just like you mess everything up ! It 's too late . That 's what 's real ! " With that Kevin walked away leaving me standing there with my mouth open . One day , at a weak moment , I broke down and told Kevin about my dad . I 'm still kicking myself in the neck for that one ! This is why I don 't like to be vulnerable with anyone ! They eventually end up using what you say against you ! I 'm done with guys ! At least for now … At lunchtime today , I ate alone . Most of my former friends are former friends because they 'd rather that Kevin and me remain a couple so they went out with the rest of the trash . I don 't need friends that are going to try to convince me to be with a loser . And I told them as much too ! They 've stopped trying to be my friend and I could really care less . Besides , it just goes to show who your real friends are anyway ! As I made my way back to my seat in solitude land after throwing away my lunch tray , I couldn 't help but notice my cousin Mickey man - handling a girl that I knew from church . Mickey is used to getting his way with girls ; bubble - heads is what I like to call them . But this was no bubble - head . She was a nice girl . She didn 't seem impressed by his brawn or by the fact that he was grabbing her by her arm . Then I turned to look at the girl ; LeeAnna was her name . She looked confused , like why is this girl trying to save me ? The last thing I wanted her to think was that I just wanted a piece of the action ! We have a lot of girls in our school like that but I wasn 't one of them . " Don 't worry about it LeeAnna . " I said to the girl . " If he ever tries to man handle you again , you just let me know . His momma is my aunty ! " I took one more look at Mickey and rolled my eyes before I walked away . By the time I got back to my seat and turned in their direction , they had both gone their separate ways . Mickey knew what was up ! He knows my mouth . I 'm not having it ! I know the reason why Mickey is talking to that girl anyway is because his brother Chris likes her . One day Mickey walked in on a conversation that me and Chris were having about LeeAnna . Chris was saying that he thought she was cute but he was worried about her being young and her parents being really strict . I told Chris that he should just go for it . I told him that he should just try to be friends with her and let her parents get comfortable with him being in her life . Chris was almost sold on the idea until Mickey came over declaring that he bet the girl would give him play before she even looked at Chris . After that , Chris decided not to bother . I don 't know why Mickey always feels the need to compete with Chris . Mickey can be such a jerk ! That 's not always true . Mickey can be really cool but when it comes to him and Chris … I really don 't know what that 's about ! After school when I got home , I zoned out in front of the television . I must 've been tired because I fell asleep and didn 't wake up until my mom came home at 7 : 00 . She nudged my foot with her foot and I jumped up almost into the air . " Lisa , are you okay ? " My mom asked . " You 're normally jumping for WooHop 's ! " My mom said as she emptied the big bag of food on the table . " Yeah . " I said , still trying to gather my thoughts and piece together my dream . " You know , I 've dreamed about him a few times recently . " " That 's right , Lisa . " My mom confessed with a big sigh . " Every year since then I 've been sending him a letter with pictures of you pleading with him to get to know you . " " Because after that first time , you were so disappointed … " Another big sigh . " I didn 't want to see you hurt like that again . I also realized then how much you needed your father in your life . " I needed to digest all of this . I got up and walked over to the sofa . I put my head in my hands and now it was my turn to sigh deeply . My mom walked over to me and rubbed my head . " I 'm sorry baby . " She whispered . I was shaking my head . I wanted to be so angry with her but truthfully , she hadn 't really done anything wrong . Oh boy ! Here we go ! Once in a while my mom feels worthy to get up on her soap box and tell me that I need Jesus . It really gets on my nerves ! " No , ma ! You turn to men . That 's always been your thing . You turn to men and then you go to church behind it and think that makes you okay . " " It 's what I see , ma . I 've never seen you handle things the way you tell me to handle them . You 're such a hypocrite ! " My mother was staring at me . I really didn 't mean to hurt her but this was a long time coming . Every time we go to church and I see her crying or to her feet standing calling out hallelujah when the preacher is speaking , I just want to snatch her back down and tell her to stop pretending ! " Hello . " I said into the phone while my mother stayed planted in the same spot . I walked over to my mother and handed her the phone . " It 's for you ; it 's Brian . " I said . I went into my room and closed my door . I was done for the night . Brian would probably come over tonight and I didn 't want to be up to see him . I lay across my bed and stared up at the ceiling . I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I 'd just been rejected again by someone who has never even met me . That 's pretty harsh ! That was it forever this time ! I would never again give that man another opportunity to reject me . In fact , nobody will ever have the power to reject me again ! If I have to be alone for the rest of my life , then so be it ! I refuse to be a pathetic phony like my mother letting men come in and out of my life as they pleased . One day , I 'm going to be very successful and I 'll look my birth father up , but not to request a relationship . I 'll look him up just to tell him that I did it without him ! I 'll tell him that I didn 't need him . I 'll tell him that he lost out not knowing me and not the other way around . I 'll show him . And when I 'm done with him , he 'll be begging to know me and it will be my turn to say , " Thanks , but no thanks ! " I woke up this morning excited ! I 'm going to see Damon today and I just couldn 't contain myself ! He is the most exciting guy that I 've ever gone out with . I 'm used to going with guys that just want to kiss and grope all over me . I 've gotten so used to fighting guys off . I don 't know why they automatically think that they 're gonna get some just because I agree to come to their house . Give me a minute . Let 's get to know each other first . But Damon is so different . He holds my hand when we walk the street . When I go to meet him , he has a flower for me . He gives me money to buy myself something nice . And with all of this , he never tries to get into my shirt ! He 's the real thing and I think I 'm falling in love . We 've already been seeing each other for a couple of months but I have yet to tell my best friend about him . For right now , I 'd just rather keep my relationship with Damon a secret . I don 't really know why . It 's not like I 'm ashamed of him or anything . I just feel like this is just about him and me for now . I don 't want any negative opinions being thrown at me and I know that my best friend won 't understand why I 'm seeing a guy that 's seven years older than I am . " But I don 't know where your belt is . Why don 't you ask your daughter where your belt is ? " I said motioning toward Brenda who was pretend sleeping in her bed ; at which point , Brenda popped her crooked head up . Brenda enjoyed that . She laughed out loud . I was used to that too . I locked eyes with my mother and I actually felt hate for her . I hated her for not wanting me . I hated her for making me feel like I was nothing all of my life . I hated her for using me to make my sister and brother laugh . I truly hated her and I knew at that moment that I desperately needed to get away from her or she would end up killing me . " Well , your mistake is walking out the door . " I said grabbing my purse and getting close enough to my mother to kiss her . " And you can just find your own belt . " My mother looked nervous . I could tell that she didn 't know what I was going to do . I wanted to smile but I didn 't want her to think that I was joking so I stifled it . I brushed past my mother lightly and she just stood there . I got out the door of my house and I felt powerful . I felt vindicated . Most of all , I felt justified . It served her right for whipping me all of my life with her tongue . I was sick of her abuse . I was sick of her . Things were going to be different from now on . I was not going to allow her to bully me around anymore . I 'd had enough ! I went to Damon 's dorm room to meet him . He looked like he just woke up when he opened his door . But even half asleep , he still looked sexy . I was excited just being around him . His room was disgustingly messy but I was way too wrapped up in Damon to even let it bother me . He grabbed his toothbrush and a towel and he told me to wait . I was a little bit disappointed . I didn 't want him to leave me . I felt desperate for him . I mean we 're talking literally a few minutes that he was going to be away and I felt an anxiety attack coming on . I knew that it probably wasn 't good to be so desperate for a guy but at the same time , I didn 't want to do anything to stop it . Maybe I was looking for trouble . " Of course it is . " Damon said in a flat tone as he put on deodorant . " I don 't hang up anything that I don 't like . " Not the answer that I was looking for . I guess I was expecting and hoping that he would deny or at least attempt to deny it . I felt like I needed to do something to get his attention back . I walked over to him and I started to kiss him passionately as my mind screamed to me , What are you doing ? This is so stupid ! But it was too late . He was already into it . He pushed me back to his bed and laid me down . I wasn 't sure if I was ready to do this with him yet but I was scared to turn him down . I didn 't know what to do . Damon 's kiss and touch became rougher and I knew what that meant . It was about to happen and I felt powerless to stop it . I mean , it wasn 't like he was raping me or anything but I just felt like if I stopped him I 'd lose him and I didn 't want to lose him . I just decided to stay in the moment and let it happen . It was different . I thought that Bobby was good but Damon was really skilled . He knew exactly what to do to make me feel good and he took his time doing it . When it was all over , it proved to be an experience that I would never forget . I knew that I was in love with Damon before but now I felt like I was glued to him . I felt like I never wanted to be away from him . I felt like I couldn 't even remember who I was before I met him because now he was a part of me and he always would be . I lay next to him and watched him sleep . I touched his brow as he snored lightly . He was the most beautiful thing that I 'd ever seen . I let my finger trace his face as I wondered what our children would look like . I knew that I could eat sleep and drink Damon everyday and be completely satisfied . I wanted nothing else . Even my little girl crush on my best friend 's brother was nothing more than a distant memory . Damon began to stir in his sleep , I wondered what he was dreaming about and then I had a scary thought . What if he was dreaming about another girl ? The thought petrified me . It suddenly dawned on me that I didn 't really know if Damon was sleeping with other girls or not . I mostly tried to stay away from questions like that because I was always scared of what I might hear . Damon was very straight up with me and he would be just the type to tell me that he was seeing other girls and that I just needed to deal with it . I was no dummy . I knew that most guys cheated . I knew because most guys cheated with me ! I 'd broken up many relationships just for kicks and giggles . It 's not cool , I know but it kind of made me feel powerful to do it . But now I stand to taste a dose of my own medicine and I was dreading it . I got up slowly from the bed watching Damon closely . I tipped over to his dresser and picked up his phone . Dang ! It was locked and I didn 't know the code . Why did he have to put a lock on his phone ? That could only mean one thing . He must have something to hide . Was he kidding me ? Whether he sees other girls or not ? What was that ? I needed to know that I was his one and only ! I mean , he just made love to me and now he wants to drop this bomb on me ? What was that about ? I was nervous because I had lied to Damon about my age . I wasn 't even eighteen yet and eighteen was too young for him . I didn 't want to appear to be a baby or worse , I didn 't want for Damon to find out that I 'd lied to him yet . I had planned to tell him the truth about my age once he fell in love with me but I guess that would have to be a secret for a bit longer than I had intended . " Well , I am that woman , Damon . " I said nervously feeling like I was loosing him . " I know who I am . I just want you to be honest with me . " " See , I didn 't know that . " I said feeling relieved that he was giving me an instruction and not telling me that this wasn 't going to work for him . I wanted to fly at that moment . " I won 't question you anymore baby . I can be anybody that you need me to be . " I was so happy that I threw my arms around his neck and I felt so safe . This was the part that I was supposed to tell him my real age but I knew that I couldn 't . It was still too risky . Damon and I fell into bed again and this time was better than the first time . I knew why too . It was because we both knew that we loved each other . It was the absolute best thing that I 'd ever felt in my life and I knew that I would do anything in my power to keep this man next to me . One ! " It 's seven fifty - five in the morning , Mickey . I know you didn 't call me to exchange pleasantries ! Can you just get on with it ? " " Yeah , I love you too , Mickey . " I said smiling in spite of myself . I could never stay mad with him long which pisses me off ! By this time I was on the bus and people were looking at me . I didn 't care ; let them look ! I was not going to be party to this mess ! Mickey wasn 't about to drag me to hell with him ! " No , seriously Lisa , I really like this girl . I don 't want to treat her like those tack - heads that I normally deal with . Those girls deserve what they get . But this girl deserves the best and I want to be the one to give it to her . " " Oh , I 'm sorry . I got confused ! Especially since your brother said almost the exact same thing about the same girl just the other day ! Do you think I 'm stupid , Mickey ? " " So you 're saying that two guys can 't feel the exact same way about the same girl ? What can I say ? She inspires me . " " Come on , Lisa ! Okay , maybe I used Chris ' words but I 've been liking LeeAnna for a long time . I just never bothered her because I know that her parents are strict . Are you gonna help me or not ? " I just had a conversation with Chris about LeeAnna not even a month ago and he seemed to be crazy about the girl . The only thing holding him back from approaching her was her age and knowing that her parents were very strict . I remember his face when he talked about her and he seemed to really be into her . I almost wanted to tell LeeAnna myself that my cousin Chris was into her . But Mickey did say that Chris was fine with knowing that LeeAnna liked him . I thought that I sensed something between those two when they were in the lunchroom the other day and Mickey was pulling her by the arm . I stopped it but I got the feeling that LeeAnna probably wasn 't in as much protest as I was about the situation . " Because he told me that you two had something going and I only sort of believe him . I need to hear it out of your mouth . Do you really like him ? " " Look , LeeAnna , I know the deal . I know that you 're not allowed to date and that your parents are strict and all that . I haven 't come to blow you up or anything . I just want to know if what my cousin is telling me is true . I won 't tell anybody else what you tell me . " She looked at me long and hard as if searching for something . I got the feeling that she wanted to tell me but she was still unsure . She probably hadn 't told anybody that she liked a boy . Probably not even that tall friend of hers . By the way , where was she ? Those two were always together … " Look , I 'm gonna tell you the truth and I hope that you can take it . " I paused wondering if I should really share this truth with this girl . What if she was too fragile to handle it ? What if she ran out of here crying ? I could just smell the naiveté on her . She probably had no clue . LeeAnna smiled in spite of herself . She blushed and she even glowed at the sound of my pig of a cousin 's name . He was right . She liked him . Too bad for Chris ! " Look , LeeAnna . " I said . " I don 't want to start any trouble . Like I told my cousin , I think you 're a nice girl and you 're certainly too good for him . But if you like him and he likes you , who am I to stand in the way of true love ? " I came back to toward the table looking around . I saw some of my former friends sitting together on the other side of the lunchroom . They looked like they were having a good time . I realized that I didn 't miss them at all . I decided to take LeeAnna up on her offer . Brianna 's Blurbs Pt . 4 School today pissed me off ! Well , it wasn 't exactly school that pissed me off but it was my so - called best friend ! I couldn 't wait to sit with her alone at lunch today and share the news about the new love in my life but when I walk into the cafeteria , she 's sitting with my enemy ! I can 't believe her ! They were sitting at a table laughing and talking like they 've been friends forever ! What in the world ? When did this happen ? And why didn 't LeeAnna ask me first if I might have a problem with this ? She knew that this girl had serious issues with me ! " Look , I think I know what this is about . " Lisa stood up saying . " I owe you an apology , Brianna . I know that we 've said some foul stuff about each other and I just want to say that I 'm sorry for my part in it . " " Look , LeeAnna , it 's cool . " That skank said interrupting LeeAnna . And she 's rude too ! " Talk to your friend . I have to go to the bathroom and the bell is about to ring anyway . I 'll talk to you after school . " " Oh whatever , LeeAnna . " I said trying to act like I wasn 't just freaked out for a moment . " You know how I am . That 's why you love me . " " Yeah , I love you Bri . But I don 't always like you . " LeeAnna said standing and as if on cue , the bell rang to end our lunch period . " Call me later . " LeeAnna shrugged . But something in her face told me that she didn 't really care to hear anything else that I had to say . I felt bad . This wasn 't even fair ! I hadn 't even done anything wrong . How did LeeAnna expect me to act ? If I were hanging out with someone who had hurt her she wouldn 't like it either . And that bogus apology that girl called herself giving me was so sickening . I can 't even believe that LeeAnna didn 't see right through it ! I decided to cut out for the rest of the day . It wasn 't like I was going to be able to concentrate on anything anyway ! I needed cheering up . I wanted to see my baby . I needed to feel wanted again since I was just rejected by my best friend . When I got to Damon 's dorm it was about one thirty . I wondered if he would be mad at me for not calling first . But then I thought , why would he be ? He and I have been spending so much time together lately and most of that time has been in bed . We have such a good time together . It 's like nothing else that I 've ever experienced . We 're in love and I know that he 'll be happy to see me . I went up the stairs to get to his room . I knocked on the door but nobody answered . I knocked again and again but no answer . I was disappointed . Where could he be and why wasn 't he here waiting for me with open arms ? I sighed deeply , slammed my back up against the wall and slid down . " Okay , but the dorm manager doesn 't really like anybody that doesn 't live here just waiting around . " The guy said as he turned his key in his room door . " If he sees you , you might get kicked out . " " Damon , he was lying . " I defended . " When he asked me who I was waiting for , I told him that I was waiting for my boyfriend ! You believe me , right ? " Damon turned around and opened his door with his key . I thought that he was going to slam the door in my face but he surprised me when he stepped out of the way and held the door open to let me in . I was so glad that he believed me ! Damon was still glaring at me from the other side of the room . Tears began to stream down my face . I tried to put the pieces together on what had just happened so quickly . I wiped my face and I started to open the door , but Damon put his hand on the door so that I couldn 't open it . I felt the fear rise up from my stomach because I wasn 't sure what he was going to do to me . I looked at him , eyeball to eyeball . I wanted to say , ' Dude , I could truly say the same for you ! ' But I didn 't . I just nodded my head . My head was screaming at me to run , don 't walk , out of this relationship . But my heart told me that I 'd only end up regretting leaving him . I was still looking Damon in the eyes as the tears began to well up in my eyes again . " Dag , you and your moms is so evil in the morning ! She yelled at me too . I told her that I tried to call your cell but it took me straight to your voicemail . " " No you wait a minute Mickey ! I told you before that you 'd better handle this one with care ! She 's a nice girl and for some stupid reason that I 'll never understand , she really likes you . She thinks that you 're being real with her . I 'm not going to stand by while you crush her . " " Seriously Lisa ! Look , you know that her family is strict . She 's not allowed to date . We just want to hang out together in a place where we won 't be seen by anybody so she won 't get in trouble . " I paused for a minute . Was Mickey really being for real or was he playing me too ? I know my cousin and his M . O . when dealing with girls . How can I call myself a good friend if I 'm leading LeeAnna into the mouth of a lion 's den ? " Trust me , Lisa . I 'm not going to jump on her . I know she ain 't like that . Besides , I already told you , I really like this girl . Haven 't you noticed that I haven 't been bringing anybody else to your house ? " I took another long pause . I couldn 't believe what I was about to do . But maybe Mickey really did mean it this time . I love my cousin and I really want to believe the best about him . Is it my fault that he makes it so stinkin ' hard ? " I use the bathroom in here because I can . I kick out rent every month and I pay all of the other bills in here . So if you 're looking for privacy , take fifty cents off my dresser , buy yourself a newspaper and check the classifieds for apartments for rent . " My mom rolled her eyes and finished applying her makeup as I got in the shower . By the time I came out , my mom was finished in the bathroom . I felt kind of bad for snapping at my mother . She worked very hard to give me all of the things that I needed and wanted . I guess I should appreciate her more . After I dried myself off , I wrapped my towel around myself and went into her room . She had her jacket on and she was putting what she needed in her purse . I came up behind her and hugged her . I got off but we were both smiling when I did . My mother rolled her eyes at me faking annoyance but I could tell that she appreciated my apology . My mom walked to the door and then she turned to me . Ova n ' Out ! Brianna 's Blurbs Pt . 5 I 'm supposed to meet with my boo today . He is taking me someplace special and I can 't wait ! He gave me money to buy something nice . He always gives me money but he normally tells me to buy anything I want but today he specifically told me to buy myself something nice . I really don 't want to disappoint him . It took me several hours in the mall trying to find the perfect outfit and it wasn 't cheap either ! I used all of his money and had to add a little bit of mine . Damon and I have been seeing each other for a couple of months now and he hasn 't even met any of my family members or my friends yet . I really don 't want him to . I want to keep him all to myself for now . We have a good thing going and I don 't want my family to ruin it for me with their idiotic ways . He 's coming to pick me up at six - thirty and it is now a little after four . I can 't believe it 's so late ! I spent the better part of the morning and afternoon trying to pick out my outfit . Now I have just enough time to roller set my hair . I normally wear my natural curls but since tonight was going to be special , I wanted to do something special with my hair too . Who knows ? Maybe Damon was planning to propose to me tonight . Some might say it 's way too soon for me to be thinking about that sort of thing but they just don 't understand the connection that Damon and I have . It is so deep and so real . I feel like he 's the one that I 've dreamed about all of my life . The one that will take me away from all of the madness that is my life and take me to a beautiful and wonderful place . By the time I was twelve I was curve city but at twelve , Brenda is still built like a little boy . If I didn 't hate my sister so much I 'd feel sorry for her . There was nothing attractive about her . She looks like a horse in her face , she has very little hair and she has no shape to even distinguish herself as a girl . And if that 's not enough , all of that was wrapped up in a jacked up attitude . Yeah , she 'll spend her days with no husband , no children and seven cats , I 'm sure ! " Okay , Brenda . " I said desperate to get her off my back so that I could finish my hair . " Go ahead and wear the jeans but if you get anything on them , you will die a slow and painful death . " I looked at her with one eyebrow raised . I wasn 't used to this Brenda . She seemed almost nice . I didn 't trust it . I didn 't trust her . I continued to do my hair . I was only halfway through by four thirty and I still had to sit under the dryer and be ready by six thirty . I was seriously regretting starting this roller set . Brenda came back into the room with my jeans on and I noticed that she had a bump in the back of her that I 'm sure wasn 't there when she 'd asked for the jeans . " Uh , Brenda , what 's that ? " I asked turning around to get a good look at her . I could see that she had rolled up the jeans at the bottom but the rest of the jeans fit her okay . They were a little loose but she certainly filled them out better than I thought she would . What in the world was that about ? I finally came out from under the dryer by about ten minutes to six . It might have been a bit early for me to come out but I really couldn 't afford another minute under the dryer . I had already taken a shower and laid out my clothes so all that I had to do was slip into my clothes but I still needed to put on my make - up . I decided to put on my make - up in the bathroom because I wanted to take special care to make sure that it was done right . When I walked in the bathroom I saw my jeans on the floor where Brenda must 've stepped out of them . I really wanted to yell but I really couldn 't spare the time . I just picked up my seventy - five dollar jeans from the floor . They felt weird like there was something in them . I opened them up and inside of my jeans was a pair of padded panties . I just shrugged my shoulders . I guess I know where Brenda 's booty came from … Miraculously I was ready when Damon pulled up in front of my building to pick me up . As I walked to the car , he was looking at me like he was so impressed . It didn 't happen often with him so I loved it when I could impress him ! I stepped into the car and I took in the smell of his cologne . He smelled so good ! He kissed me on the back of my neck and whispered in my ear . Damon took me to a restaurant that was so fancy ; I almost didn 't want to step in . I could tell as soon as I walked in that I didn 't fit into this type of place . Some of the looks that we got when we walked in told me that I was right . I grabbed Damon 's arm . As we were escorted to our table by a flamboyantly gay man in a tux , I felt disappointed that we were not going to be alone . I thought that this night was going to be special . Turns out Damon only wanted me to look nice so that he could impress his friends ! Damon 's friends were an older couple ; I mean , they were even older than Damon ! The woman actually looked to be about thirty but the man was easily older than my mom . I wondered why Damon wanted to hang out with these fogies . I mean , I think it 's cool to hang around older people but this was pushing it a bit much for me . Maybe it was because they had money . These people were obviously loaded . The old dude was ordering expensive bottles of champagne all night and the woman was wearing a modest amount of jewelry but I could tell that it probably cost a fortune . The conversation went over my head and the food was weird so nobody was happier than me when the waiter brought the check . Damon whispered to me that the couple would be driving us home . I didn 't care . I would just be glad for this evening to end ! The driver of the man 's Maybach did not go in the direction of my house or Damon 's dorm . My stomach sank with the realization that the evening was not actually over yet . However nothing could prepare me for the turn that the evening would take in the coming moments . Honestly , sometimes this woman really gets to me with her yelling ! It 's totally unnecessary . I work hard in school all week long and I deserve to sleep in late on Saturdays . Is that too much to ask ? First of all , I do not wear silk underwear . I don 't like the way they feel . She should know that . I took a closer look at the underwear on the foot of my bed . They were crusty . Definitely not mine ! Yesterday I went shopping in New York after school . Mickey asked me if he could come use the apartment . I assumed he was bringing LeeAnna by so I reluctantly told him yes even though I wouldn 't be there to monitor him . By the time I came home , he was already gone . I seriously doubt that these panties are LeeAnna 's but before I wring Mickey 's neck , I 'm going to find out just in case . " Okay fine . " I said quickly because I really wanted to make sure that LeeAnna wasn 't holding out on me regarding whether or not she saw Mickey yesterday . " Hey , are you sure you didn 't see Mickey yesterday ? " " Yeah , I told you ! " LeeAnna said . " I haven 't seen your cousin since Thursday . Are you sure he 's okay ? Is he missing or something ? You 're starting to scare me . " " No , no ! " I said feeling more at ease . " I was just … Never mind . Everything is okay and Mickey is fine . At least for now . " I hung up from LeeAnna and sighed deeply . I couldn 't believe Mickey ! He knew that our bedrooms were off limits to him and his hoochies . If I were here he never would 've gone into my mother 's room . It 's bad enough that he cheated on my friend in my house then he goes and betrays my mother 's bedroom ! I should 've stopped letting him use my house to bring those girls a long time ago but he begged and pleaded and I gave in ! And how does that skeez repay me ? He brings a nasty skank into my mother 's bed ! What a creep ! By the time I got to LeeAnna 's house for the sleepover , her friend Brianna was already there . Turns out LeeAnna never told Brianna that I would be coming . Just as I figured , my being there did not go over well with Brianna . She ended up coming around though . She 's actually not such a bad girl . I mean I can 't really blame her for not liking me at first . I have said some foul stuff about her . Later on in the evening , after LeeAnna 's parents left , we got into some serious girl talk . LeeAnna was gushing about my stupid cousin . He 's got her convinced that she should lose her virginity to him . He was not about to turn my friend into one of his bubble heads ! No way ! I tried to tell LeeAnna that my cousin still brings other girls to my house but she didn 't believe me . This girl was totally blinded by Mickey . There was only one thing left for me to do . When LeeAnnna left the room , I told Brianna about the panties that Mickey 's hoochie left in my mother 's room . " But that 's like huge ! " Brianna said shaking her head . " She may never speak to you again . And what about your cousin ? How do you think he 'll react ? " " Please ! I don 't care what Mickey does ! I 'm more concerned with LeeAnna . She 's totally turning into a bubble - head and my cousin is to blame . " I did not feel like being bothered . It was bad enough that I 'd been throwing up all morning not to mention I haven 't talked to my boo in days . I did not need to deal with Kenny too ! Normally , Kenny and I are cool . Well , maybe " cool " is too strong a word for us . I 'm not " cool " with anybody in my immediate family . They 're all a bunch of jerks . But Kenny normally bothers me the least . He 's got his own thing going on and pretty much stays out of my way . " I 'll be out in a minute Kenny . " I said . I didn 't even have the strength to argue with him . I felt so weak . It was as if I 'd vomited up my strength ! I grabbed my toothbrush and brushed my teeth for the third time this morning . When I opened the door of the bathroom , Kenny pushed past me and ran into the bathroom complaining about the smell as he slammed the door on my back . JERK ! I really didn 't feel like arguing with her but I really hate it when a person lies to my face ! It was obvious that she 'd used my perfume . The room smelled like she 'd painted the walls with it ! Brenda peered at me from the mirror . I turned my back to her . If I had to look at her face too long , I might puke again . Once Brenda and Kenny left for school , I was happy to have the house to myself . My mother never came home last night and my guess was that she was with that old guy that she 's been messing with . She spends a lot of nights with him . She 's such a skank ! I made myself some tea and I laid down on the sofa turning on the television . The news said that it would be unseasonably mild today . I guess I picked a fine day to feel crappy ! I could hear my cell phone ringing from in my room . I could 've kicked myself for not bringing it in here with me . I wanted so badly to ignore it but then I thought that it might be Damon so I got myself up to get it . It had stopped ringing by the time I got to it . It was Damon . I guess he 'd let me suffer enough . I called him back . He 'd already hung up . I didn 't understand . It was like he was mad at me for getting pregnant . How was it my fault ? He 'll talk to me after it 's done ? ! What 's that about ? I 'm doing what he wants and I still get this treatment ? I don 't understand it ! I went back in the living room and plopped myself back down on the couch . I felt numb . I 've been crying since I found out for sure that I was pregnant . Damon is right . Why should I keep this baby ? There was no telling who the daddy was . But even that is Damon 's fault ! The fact that he 's accepting no responsibility for all of this aggravates me . But what aggravates me the most is the fact that I still want to be with him . So much so that I 've agreed to kill my own baby just so he 'll stay with me . I fell asleep on the sofa and I didn 't wake up until two o ' clock . That made sense since I was up most of the night barfing and crying ! I still felt crappy but I really wanted to get out of the house before Brenda and Kenny came home . I showered and dressed and made my way over to Damon 's dorm . It was absolutely gorgeous out . It was hard to believe that we were only a couple of weeks till Christmas . The fact that I felt crappy didn 't stop me from getting attention from the guys . I just could not understand it . Obviously I can get any guy that I wanted ; yet I wanted the one guy that didn 't seem to want me . In the beginning he smothered me with attention . Well , maybe smothered is too strong a word . But he seemed to be really into me . I never should 've told him about the baby ! I should 've just kept my mouth shut and taken care of it ! It 's not like I get to keep it anyway . I knew from the beginning that getting pregnant was a huge mistake . I started to feel sick again . I got to Damon 's dorm and he wasn 't even there . He left the money in an envelope with his roommate without so much as an excuse . I couldn 't stand his roommate either . He always acted like he wanted to get with me when Damon wasn 't around . Then he 'd act like he didn 't even see me when I was with Damon . He gave me the creeps . Good thing he had a girl in the room with him when I came so he didn 't bother me . One ! It 's six o ' clock in the morning and I haven 't slept all night . I am so nervous about going to the clinic today , I can 't even close my eyes . After I left the dorm yesterday I didn 't feel like going home so I went to Kendra 's Christmas party . All of my girls were there and I figured that it would help me get my mind off of what was happening . I thought that I could hang out with my girls and have a good time and forget all of my troubles . It didn 't work out that way . I was a complete jerk ; especially to my bestie , LeeAnna . I don 't even know why . I just wanted her to pick up on my attitude and ask me what was wrong but she didn 't . She just reacted and got all offended . I wanted to tell her that I was sorry and that I was just hurting but I didn 't . I just acted like even more of a jerk . What is truly up with me ? ? ? I actually wanted to ask her to come with me to the clinic today but after the way I treated her , I felt to guilty to ask so I just went home . I felt so stupid . I really hadn 't meant for things to go down like that ! Nevertheless , I called her this morning and she agreed to come with me to the clinic . I 'm glad for that at least but I still can 't stop shaking . A part of me just wants to get it over with and another part of me feels like I 'm making the biggest mistake of my life ! When LeeAnna got to me , she didn 't come alone . She came with her mom . I wanted to pass out . How could she bring her mother ? I felt guilty just looking at that woman and that 's been since the first day I met her . I mean , she 's always nice to me but I always feel like she can see right through me . I can 't even explain it . We got to the clinic and neither of us said anything . To my surprise , LeeAnna was helpful . She didn 't even say anything to make me feel bad although I had that covered all by myself . I was called to the back which I had to go to all by myself . I got inside and they told me to undress and I don 't really know what happened but I got halfway through getting undressed when I realized that I just couldn 't go through with it . I needed to get out of there and I needed to get out fast ! LeeAnna took me home . I was both relieved and very scared . I knew that keeping this baby meant losing my man but I was willing to risk it . I just knew that I would never be able to live with myself if I went through with destroying a life . I mean , I know people who have done it and I 've never really disagreed with them . I always thought that if I did get pregnant before I was ready that I would just go and get it taken care of too . I never thought that I would feel so crappy about it . I never really thought that it would matter so much to me . But it really does . I realize that I 'm not as scared of losing Damon as I am of killing my own baby and I think that 's a good thing . He 's not going to like my decision and he 'll probably leave me but he 's not the first and he definitely won 't be the last ! At least now I 'll never be alone again . I 'll always have this baby to love me . The sky was a beautiful burnt orange color . I wished that time could stand still and I could enjoy this tiny moment . Is that too much to ask ? Why can 't I ever have more than a moment 's worth of happiness ? It was at times like this that I wondered if there was actually a God up there if He actually cared about me . I seriously doubted it ! I wanted to turn around and scream at her to leave already ! Why was she even still here ? We both knew that she didn 't even like me much less love me ! I just ignored her . I faced the window and didn 't even turn around to look at her hoping that she would just go away . My best friend left about an hour ago . I wasn 't any nicer to her although she really didn 't deserve my silent treatment . She was actually worried about me . I know that she has reason to be but admitting that Damon is the one responsible for my miscarriage would mean that I 'd definitely lose him forever and I don 't think that I can handle that right now . I don 't want to handle that right now . I didn 't care . I wasn 't sure what her angle was and why she was acting all nice . I was totally sick of her even being here . She gently put her hand on my shoulder and then I heard her sigh deeply and walk out . Everybody looked at me and assumed that I had it all together but I wished that somebody could see past the front that I put up and know how overwhelmed I felt sometimes . I wished that one person could pick up on how lonely I was most times . My baby was supposed to change all of that . My baby was supposed to ensure that I would never be alone again . My baby would give me some purpose . I would work hard to make sure that I provided everything that me and my baby would need . My baby would be the inspiration that I needed to keep me going when I wanted to quit . But now my baby was gone so there went my purpose . There went my hope . What did I have now ? I watched , as the sky turned from burnt orange to darker and darker blue in what seemed like mere seconds . Suddenly I felt so lost and alone and I started to weep . Why was my life so hopeless ? When LeeAnna came to see me , she came with her mother . At first I didn 't know that her mother had come with her but I should 've known . It 's rare that LeeAnna goes anywhere without supervision . LeeAnna came into my room by herself and talked to me . I was rude to her of course but I did talk to her at least a little bit more than I spoke to my mother . After she left , her mom peeked her head into my room . I was facing the window with my back to the door when she came in but when she called my name , I instinctively looked up . I was surprised to hear her voice . " Oh , hi . " I said nervously avoiding eye contact with her . Again , I was scared of what she would see when she looked at me . Would she know what I 'd been doing for the past two months ? I felt like she would . " It 's okay sweetheart . " She encouraged softly as she bent down and put her cheek to mine . " You go ahead and let those tears fall . " As quickly as LeeAnna 's mother had tipped into my room , she 'd tipped right back out . I wished that she could 've stayed longer . She didn 't say much but she 'd said so much . Her words haunted me even now . I closed my eyes tight . I thought to myself , why couldn 't she have been my mother ? While I was asking questions , I figured that it wouldn 't hurt to ask why I had the mother that I had . I really wasn 't asking anyone in particular but it occurred to me that maybe I should ask God . He 's supposed to be the one in charge , right ? True to her word , my mother called me early in the morning to tell me that she was on her way to pick me up . I gave her a very dry ' okay ' and started getting myself ready to leave . I sat on the foot of the hospital bed with my head down . How did I get here ? How did I let myself get here ? From the time I was old enough to realize that I was alone in this world , I decided that I would do whatever I had to do to find somebody that would love me unconditionally . I would become whoever I had to become . I really thought that Damon was the one . I thought that he would be my knight and shining armor . Even after he made me a prostitute , I still somehow believed that he would love me forever . How could I be so stupid ? And now , even after he 's taken my hope away from me , I still keep looking at my cell phone to see if I 've gotten a call from him . He owes me at least that , doesn 't he ? Honestly , I 'm starting to wonder if I deserve anything good . Maybe my mother was right . Maybe I really do have the devil 's blood in me . But is that my fault ? I mean it 's not like I had a choice . " You know , I have a niece look just like you and she 's pregnant with baby number two ! " She said . " She 's a couple of years older than you but she 's still way too young to have one baby , much less two ! " " Honey , everything happens for a reason . You 're young and you 'll have plenty of babies one day . Just be glad that you 're still alive . "