General , My Story Please remember that this is a blog and that , like most blogs , the post at the top of the screen is the newest . If you are reading the My Story category , then you should start with the first post ( the oldest entry ) and move up the screen . The entries will not make sense in any other way . To make life easier for everyone , I have linked the parts . Start My Story by reading Part 1 : The Clean Out first . Then , simply click on the link at the end of each post . This will take you directly to the next part in the story . On 15 June 2006 , exactly four weeks after Barry died by suicide , Daniel and I were asked to attend the police station and give statements . We were also asked to bring support as the police believed that I would not be able to drive home afterwards . Why ? Gary and I asked ourselves . Why wouldn 't I be able to drive home ? We couldn 't think of a reason . The " interview " took three hours . Naturally , we had to give our statements separately , so we were taken to different rooms and asked questions . As I said earlier , it 's been four weeks so I was able to talk about the events leading up to Barry 's death without getting too upset . I knew the details , yet still I found it difficult to remember everything . However , this was mainly because of the grief … and there 's something about being asked question by the police . Then , out of the blue , the police officer informed us that she had something to show us . She went on to tell us that they had found a letter on the night that Barry had taken his own life , written by Barry , and that they had taken it as evidence . This information left me shocked , scared … and angry . I was shocked because we had torn the house and garage apart looking for a letter , looking for a reason and had finally accepted the fact that we wouldn 't find anything and we would never know . I was scared because I didn 't know what I 'd discover in Barry 's words . And I was angry because it took the police four weeks to tell us that a letter existed . This was totally unfair of them . Didn 't they realise that we desperately needed the information contained in such a letter ? Then she produced the letter . It was five pages long and addressed to his girlfriend . However , I must mention that the letter had been ripped up and thrown away , so Barry never intended for her to see this letter . Barry didn 't mention any family member , except our dog , BJ , who passed away a week before Barry . I felt a little relieved that the family wasn 't mentioned because it meant that Barry didn 't have any issues with any of us . I was upset by the lack of a written " I love you , Mum " . However , I got over that omission quickly because I know that Barry 's thoughts were not turned towards me , they were focused inward on his own problems . The letter proves that Barry planned his fate and he meant to end his life when he did . There 's no doubt about that . At the end of the letter , he dated it , put the time and then wrote : So , in actual fact , he planned to take his life on the Wednesday , instead of the Thursday . We don 't know what stopped him , but we do believe that he was living out the words to the song " Goodbye , My Lover " . The reason we believe this is because he used certain words in the letter that came straight from the song . He also ended the letter with the song title . We believe that he wanted his " soul out into the night " . Upon hearing this Daniel broke down . He suddenly realised that Barry had tried to get Daniel to go to bed early . Barry asked Daniel several time that night , " Aren 't you tired , why don 't you go to bed ? " But Daniel said he was enjoying the time they were sharing together and didn 't want to go to bed , even though he was really tired . It was difficult to read Barry 's words . He said that he knew his actions were selfish , but he was doing this thing for himself . He said that he couldn 't bear life without his girlfriend ( they were " taking a break " ) . He wanted the last hug and kiss to be from her . He said he had thought about it for a long while and planned it right down to when , where , how and even the time . He said that by the time his girlfriend read the letter , he would be well and truly gone , but he would be up above watching over her and keeping her safe . He said by doing what he planned to do , he would not feel " a thing " anymore . Now we have Barry 's reason for doing what he did , but I still firmly believe there 's more to this story than what 's been written here . Only Barry knows the truth and he 's not here to tell us . Yet , our tortured minds will not allow us to push the details into a dark corner and forget them . We continue to hunt for more information , and I think we 'll continue to do that for a while yet . The pain and suffering has ended for Barry , but for his family it 's only just begun . We still wait for him to come home , and we still listen for his footsteps and favourite greeting . I stare at every 18 year old boy in the street , dressed in clothing similar to what Barry used to wear , hoping by some miracle to see my son 's face . I hear his songs on the radio , I see his favourite movie stars ( Arnold Schwarzenegger and Johny Depp ) on TV and in magazines . And I find that everywhere I look is something to remind me of his hanging ( even on The Simpsons ) . Reminders are everywhere . Not a day goes by when I haven 't thought about Barry constantly . Even during work hours , his face is foremost in my mind . But at least I can see his face again . That 's a good sign and a huge comfort . Believe me when I say that the grieving doesn 't end after the funeral . And it doesn 't mean that the loved one has been put to rest , so it 's time for the family to move on . There was , and is , no finality for me . I haven 't said goodbye . I plan on seeing that happy , smiling face of my youngest son , Barry , again . In the meantime , I 'm left with a million and one things to do . For example , apply for a copy of the autopsy report , cancel his driving license and Medicare , fix up his superannuation funds , close his bank account , sort through his remaining belongings and the list goes on . For others it might stop after the funeral , but for the family there is always something that needs to be dealt with . These things only push those family members back into the deepest , darkest pit where the sudden death of a loved one put them . Is it any wonder that we have no energy , no social skills , no will and no tolerance ? We are exhausted . We are too busy trying to climb out of the pit and find our way back into the light . Whilst the pain continues for my family , here ends My Story , or should I say Barry 's Story . We require time to heal . We will look for comfort from each other and eventually our lives will begin to move forward . As they say , " life goes on " , and it will because I will not let this wreck what 's left of my family . On 8 June 2006 , I wrote a post about preparing to collect Barry 's ashes . Today , I 've been putting off writing my account of the day . Why ? It was most definitely one of the worst days of my life . However , my partner , Gary , tells me that it was , in fact , the worst day of his life . In the car we both felt sick in the stomach . This was coupled with a terrible headache for me and backache for Gary - stress . As we drove closer and closer to the memorial park , the pains in my stomach tripled . I felt physically sick . A feeling of dread came over me when Gary parked the car and we began walking towards the building . Inside the small office , Gary was calm , while I was shaking with the emotions running through my body . The paperwork only took a few minutes , and then the woman said , " I 'll go and get him " . Tears sprang to my eyes as I prayed that she would do just that - walk through the door with a living Barry in tow . It didn 't happen . Instead , she re - entered the room with a bag . Inside the bad was a plastic container . Upon seeing it , my resolve left me . I found it difficult to see the remaining form , let alone read aloud the number that identified the container as my son . It was a cold act that no parent should have to face . Once it was confirmed that we had the correct container , the woman placed the bag within Gary 's arms . None of us spoke a single word . We left the office . As soon as Gary and I stepped out of the building the flood gates opened . We both broke down . It would be a long time before either of us would be able to talk , let alone drive home . We managed to get to the car , I sat in the passenger 's seat and Gary placed my son on my lap . The plaque from his coffin - Barry Andrew Henderson , Aged 18 years - shone up at me , blurred by the tears that wouldn 't stop flowing . We sat in the car for the longest time , sobbing . Gary , the man who had bravely carried me through the last three weeks , finally broke . Everything came crashing down , and he lost all control . It broke my heart to see him like that , just as much as it broke my heart to be holding my baby in a tiny , grey box . I don 't know how long we sat there . I do know that we never spoke a word . We drove home and came into a cold , empty house and I felt that 's how my heart had grown . Home again . My son was home again , but not in the way I wanted and needed . For a while , I stood in the kitchen hugging the container close to my heart . Sobbing continually . Gary grabbed my shoulders and guided me to Barry 's bedroom . We placed him on his bed , surrounded by the things that he hadn 't thrown away . No words can truly describe the anguish we both felt . The pain was as raw and open as it could be . We cried on and off for eight hours , before the tears finally subsided and gave way to exhaustion . The emptiness that I 've felt for three weeks finally claimed its hold on Gary . He said that it felt like he was carrying a baby and that nothing on Earth could have separated him and Barry during that short trip to the car . He said that he realised how much he had come to love Barry in the years that they knew each other . He realised that the pain I have been feeling is much more intense than he could ever imagine . When arranging the funeral , I was asked how many " Order of Service " leaflets we would need . I said fifty would probably be too many as we are a very small family - 14 in total , on both side of the family . The funeral director frowned and said she would do 100 . Later , she phoned me and said that she still didn 't think that would be enough and she would do 150 . I honestly felt that she was wasting paper , because we are not a social family with heaps of friends , but I didn 't argue . I didn 't have the strength . On the morning of the funeral , Gary and I got ready quietly . Each of us was focused inwardly . We had been told to arrive at least 20 minutes early as we had arranged a private coffin bearing for family members only . However , when we arrived at the chapel it was already crowded . I never knew that Barry had so many friends . It lightened my heart . It was soon realised that the coffin bearing would not be a private affair , so plans were quickly changed and everyone was ushered into the chapel . We waited . Meanwhile the first of Barry 's favourite songs was playing - " I Would Do Anything for Love " by Meat Loaf . There were six coffin bearers : Andy ( Barry 's Dad ) , Gary , Daniel , Jamie ( Barry 's cousin ) , Peejay and Matt ( two of Barry 's best friends ) . I saw none of them . For me , the chapel was empty apart for me and the coffin . The coffin hovered in mid - air and slowly moved down the aisle towards me . I remember thinking that I was going to pass out ; I staggered , but regained my footing . I know that in those moments I was distraught . The tears flowed freely , I was gasping for breath . My son lay in that coffin . I couldn 't accept that fact . Words . There were lots of words spoken after that . I remember Gary standing tall and speaking clearly on my behalf . The words I had written , that would never feel adequate enough , were spoken with strength and conviction . Gary only faltered once when he tried to speak the personal words that I had written to Barry , but he quickly pushed the lump in his throat aside and continued in his strong voice . He held on until the end . It was only when he reached the pew , and sat beside me , that he allowed his grief to overcome him and he sobbed . Olga , the funeral director , then read the words Daniel had written for Barry - lovely , sentimental words that touched my heart and still make me cry when I think about them . To the words of a special song between Barry and his older brother , Daniel - The Wanderer by Dion - Gary and I left our seat and approached the coffin for the final time . I whispered " I love you " and placed a yellow flower on the coffin then turned and walked away . I refused to say " goodbye " , and have not said those words once as goodbye is final and I plan to see Barry again . I knew that the rest of the family had approached the coffin too , and I heard the minister invite the rest of the congregation to follow suit . It was at this point , as Gary and I walked up the aisle , that I realised just how many people were present . Even the 150 " Order of Service " leaflets were not enough . The crowd parted to let us through the doors and I saw row upon row of grieving friends . Outside , at least two or three dozen more people gathered . It still brings tears to my eyes to know that Barry was so well loved , yet he left this world feeling so alone . Outside , fresh tears fell . A sea of faces appeared before me , all offering a hug . People from decades past , people I 'd never met before , Barry 's old girlfriends and school friends , and people who were just names to me until this sad day . No words were necessary . It was obvious that they shared my pain . I deliberately arranged it so that we didn 't see the curtain close around Barry 's coffin . I 've only witnessed that once and it was heart breaking . I couldn 't bear to witness it with my son , and I didn 't feel that anyone else wanted to see that either . Barry 's family and friends came together to say goodbye . We cried together . We hugged each other . We reminisced . As painful as it was , it didn 't leave me with a sense of finality or closure . I still was unable to accept what had happened and that my son was gone forever . However , it did leave me with the feeling that Barry was loved in this world . As his mother , that was important for me to know . Before this happened , I was always of the opinion that I would never attend a viewing of any deceased person - especially a loved one . I always believed that it would be better to remember the person in happy times , instead of replacing that image with that of a … dead person . However , until something like this happens to you , there 's no way you can know how you will truly react or feel . Maybe it was the circumstances that changed my mind . My son died by suicide and I was in a state of shock and denial ( still am to a degree ) . My older son , Daniel , identified the body , but , for me , there was still this glimmer of hope that a mistake had been made . Perhaps Daniel was wrong , perhaps it wasn 't Barry at all . Perhaps Barry was staying with an unknown friend and didn 't know the pain we were going through . These thoughts would not leave my mind . I had to see Barry for myself and make sure . On 29 May 2006 , my family and Barry 's Dad 's family attended the viewing . I can 't speak for anyone else , and to be honest , I wasn 't interested in anyone else . The viewing was a nasty thing , but I also feel that it was essential . I was nervous . My stomach churned over and over as we waited to go in . Being Barry 's mother , I was the first to step through the door . From my vantage point , I could see his spiked hair . Already my heart was sinking . I took a few steps closer and all hope was gone . Gary held me up . We cried torrents of tears as I looked at the face of my boy . We had been warned that he was cold . But we had been encouraged to touch him , to hold his hand . The first time I kissed Barry 's forehead wasn 't pleasant , but it did become easier with time . My family had seen him , had cried , had tried to comfort each other . We left and allowed Barry 's father , and that side of the family , to have their turn . Sitting outside , in the sun , wasn 't easy for me . I wanted to return to my son . I needed to say the things that I was holding deep inside myself . Yet I waited . Finally , Daniel ( who had gone in with me , and stayed in the room with his father too ) called me in . Gary and my mum came with me . This is another thing that I never believed I would do , but again , we were encouraged to do this . We took photos of Barry in the coffin . These photos will be placed in a small album and hidden away . No one will ever see them . I may never look at them again , but if I need to , they are there because as I 've been told numerous times " afterwards it 's too late to change your mind " . We stood in silence - Barry 's mother and father - gazing down at our son . Neither of us able to accept what had happened . In a strange way , I believe Barry would have wanted that time together - just the three of us . " I 'm sorry , Barry . I 'm sorry for failing you . I 'm sorry for not knowing what you were going through . I 'm sorry that I didn 't make things right . I 'm not angry with you , but I forgive you anyway . I have always loved you , and always will . And I 'll never , ever forget you . " I barely got the words out and the door opened and the funeral director came in . She was a wonderful woman , who took our family into her heart . She cared for us and she took care of Barry for us . I know that without a doubt . We stood with Barry in silence for a moment and then I said , " I don 't want to leave him . I don 't want him to think that I 'm deserting him . " I knew it was time to leave , but I didn 't want to . I walked to the door , paused and turned to take one last look at the face I knew and loved so much . Tears sprang to my eyes and I ran back to the coffin . " I 'm not leaving you , Barry . I could never do that . I 'm taking you with me , in my heart . " In hindsight , the signs were plain . We look back now and can see when and where Barry was saying goodbye . These memories break my heart because I wish I 'd picked up on them then … rather than now , when it 's too late . Barry had sent Daniel a text message , " I know I don 't say this often , but I love you . " On the last phone call me and Barry had together , he said , " I love you . " He sent text messages to a few of his mates with vague , cryptic goodbyes . Apparently , he waited for Tara ( his girlfriend ) to come out from work on the Monday afternoon . He gave her all the things that she had given to him over the months they had been together and then asked for a hug . She asked why and he said that he 'd tell her after she gave him a hug . They hugged and then he said " goodbye " and walked away . She thought they were breaking up for good and threw everything away when she got home . The garbage was collected that night , so she couldn 't get any of it back . He requested a special " brothers " night for him and Daniel . They had a night together that Daniel will never forget . I 'm so happy about that . 1 . He placed his bag , and wallet , on the kitchen table to alert Daniel that he was home . He always went straight to his room and put the bag on his bed . Why would he change habits now ? 2 . He placed his mobile phone under the garage window , so that when Daniel tried to phone him , Daniel would hear the phone ringing . Unfortunately , he didn 't . 5 . He took his thongs off , and put joggers on . We know this because the thongs were left with his bag . This was for better grip to make sure the object he stood on would fall over when he wanted it too . Again , there was no reason to leave the bag and thongs in the kitchen , when he had to go into his bedroom to change his shoes . He wanted Daniel to know that he was home , but Daniel didn 't realise what was happening . When he got home , we believe he placed the bag on the table and went straight to the garage and ended his life . At first , I believed that this was his plan . However , little details that seemed out of place started to cloud my judgement . Instead , I started to wonder if it had been a test run gone wrong . Believe it or not , I find this possibility horrifying because I imagine Barry struggling to save his life . The thought of him in pain , struggling tortures me . I can 't stand the images that come to mind . I want the end to be quick and painless for him . I need it to be that way . Edited on 24 August 2006 : It 's now known that the letter was posted prior to the Thursday , because it reached its destination on or before that date . As we are certain that Barry burned the CD on the Monday evening , it means that the letter and CD were posted on the Tuesday or Wednesday . So where did Barry go on Thursday morning ? The only other possibility was to buy the rope he needed to hang himself . This thought breaks my heart . The next four days are still a bit of a haze to me . People continued to come and go . The sweet aroma of flowers filled every room . Cards were placed on every available surface . My mind churned over and over . Why ? What if ? The events of the past weeks , the conversations I had with Barry , the finding of clues that went unnoticed until afterwards . If only … we hadn 't gone on holiday that week ; I had been more alert ; I had seen the signs beforehand . It was essential that we fit the pieces of the puzzle together , but that 's hard to do when there are pieces missing . We speculated , we grasped at straws , our vivid imaginations made things up . All this left us feeling exhausted and drained . On top of all these things , I also had an all consuming fear darkening my thoughts . I even had nightmares regarding this fear . Would Daniel follow his brother into death ? The garage roller door was left unlocked , because we couldn 't find the key . The fear was so strong that I even left my bed in the early hours of the morning to check the garage . I have no idea what I would have done if I 'd found Daniel in there . It doesn 't bare thinking about , but I couldn 't rest easy because of the constant fear nagging at me . I talked to Daniel about how he was feeling , but I didn 't want to put pressure on him . He had too much on his mind already , without me making matters worse . He had found his brother , so he had an image in his mind that wouldn 't leave him . He also realised that the police suspected him , even if it was only briefly , of murder . I felt the need to get him , and me , to a counsellor . He wasn 't keen , at first , but soon consented to me making the appointments . On the fourth day , Gary found the garage key . With the garage locked up , and the key hidden , I felt a surge of relief . However , now I believe that I didn 't give my oldest son the credit he deserves . He 's much stronger than I realised . Much stronger . I 'm aware that he 's concerned about me … and his father . I know that he is trying to do the right thing by everyone . He had to mature quickly , and whilst I know the depth of his sorrow , I 'm so proud of the way he 's handling the situation . I 'm proud of him ( and yes , I have told him that ) . We arrived home at 5 . 30am . Even now we both find it amazing that we actually made it without being in an accident . It was raining quite hard , and it was foggy . We were tired , distraught and careless , but we did make it . We arrived home at dawn . The street was quiet . The house was deserted . Daniel had phoned me during the drive home and asked if it would be alright if he stayed with his uncle . I told him that I didn 't expect him to stay at the house on his own , and to come over whenever he was ready in the morning . We know that there were six police cars parked out front during the night , plus a forensics van . We also knew that the police had gone through everything inside the house and garage . We were expecting to feel violated when we got home , but upon entering the house nothing had been left out of place . If Daniel hadn 't told us , we would never have known . The house was cold and empty , much like our bodies . It felt like we had walked into a giant void . There was nothing homely about the place . It felt like a sterile building only . We stepped over the threshold , and the emotions bubbled up inside me . I went straight to Barry 's room and fell apart all over again . No words can ever describe the anguish I felt . We roamed around the house , looking for a suicide note . Anything to suggest why this terrible thing had happened , but there was nothing . That 's what the police were looking for too . We did , however , find a warrant on the kitchen bench . The police were investigating a " murder " . That cut me to the core and I wondered if Daniel realised that he was a suspect . At this time the feelings running through my body were swift and vague . They mounted and erupted , then turned to something else within minutes of each other . Words were not spoken . What could be said at such a time ? I made my first phone call - to my mum . It was before 6am , but I needed the support and comfort of my parents . I remember the scream my mother let out , but I can 't remember the words we shared . The entire day flew by in a vague blur of tears and disbelief . People arrived at the house to hug me and tell me how sorry they were . Flowers were thrust into my arms . Yet I remember little of those hours . Daniel arrived and it was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders . I realised then , that my greatest fear was that Daniel might follow his brother into death . These thoughts tortured my mind and while my surviving son was standing in front of me , I knew that he was safe . I had to keep him safe at all costs . Together , we searched , desperate to find a reason why Barry took his own life . It became the only thing that gave us energy to carry on . Click here to go to Part 7 : The Consuming Fear I felt irritable all day . Gary asked me numerous times what was wrong , but I didn 't know . I can 't remember what we did , but we spent the day walking in the sunshine - I do know that . That evening , my stomach kept churning over . I felt uneasy . At 11 . 30pm there was a phone call on my mobile . I was half asleep and couldn 't find the phone , so missed the call . Two minutes later , the phone rang again . I instinctively knew that something was wrong . Daniel 's voice was calm , he spoke slowly . He told me that he had arrived home from work at 4 . 45pm , but Barry wasn 't at home . However , his backpack and wallet were on the table . This was uncharacteristic of Barry . Daniel told me that the back door was unlocked and left open . Again , this was not usual behaviour . Daniel went on to tell me that he had tried to phone Barry 's mobile at least a dozen times , but there was no answer . At first , he thought he was over at the shops with his mates , but another phone call to one of them proved that incorrect . Daniel was worried , but he figured that Barry must have met up with another friend and would be home late . Perhaps his phone was on silent and he wasn 't hearing the phone calls . Daniel said that he had to go to bed because he was going to work the next day ( Friday ) and he felt tired . However , he felt uncomfortable going to bed without knowing where Barry was . Sitting out the front , on the veranda , the people from across the road invited him over . Daniel thought this was a good idea . He locked up the house , but had to leave through the back door because he didn 't have a key to the front door . It was then that he saw it . Daniel calmly told me that he walked towards the little window and stood there looking at Barry . He said that he couldn 't understand what Barry was doing , why he was just standing there . He called out , " Barry , what are you doing ? " I didn 't hear anything after this . I remember screaming " No " into the phone and collapsing to the ground . Gary took the phone from me and talked to Daniel for a little longer . He also spoke to a police officer . Meanwhile , I was distraught , shaking and my mind was running at a thousand miles an hour , but a glimmer of hope awakened inside me and I grabbed the phone and asked , " He 's going to be alright though , isn 't he ? " " Mum , he has been hanging there for hours . He 's gone , " replied Daniel . This was the worst moment of my life . I never expected to hear these words uttered about one of my sons . How could it be true ? He was 18 years old . He had the world ahead of him . Now , he was gone forever . By 12 . 15am , we had packed everything into the car and left the resort . By 12 . 30am , we had left the coastal town and were on the highway heading home . It was the longest five hour drive I 've ever had to endure . Gary and I went on holiday . The first one is a while . We needed the break , the change of scenery and the time alone together . It was wonderful - even though I can 't remember a lot of it now . I remember being worried about our kittens - Sophie and Jasper - on that first night . They don 't like strangers and I was concerned that they may have disliked " strangers " being in the house because my older son , Daniel , and his girlfriend , Angie , were staying at the house with Barry for the four nights . I rang the house and spoke to Barry about it . He was laughing and told me that they were fine . He also told me that he was now the boss and he 'd changed the rules and allowed Peppi ( our third cat ) inside . I laughed and told him that it was up to him , but I hope he was prepared to clean up the vomit ( Peppi was notorious for that , and that 's why he wasn 't allowed inside ) . He was certain that he wouldn 't have to do such a " stinking " thing , but if it did happen , he 'd talk Angie into cleaning it up for him . On Wednesday night , I had the urge to phone Barry again . He sounded relaxed . He told me that Peppi was behaving himself and that Angie had gone home , leaving Daniel and Barry to their own devices for the evening . He said they were going to play games ( the Playstation ) and have fun . Then , he started to grill me . " When are you coming home ? " " Are you sure you 're coming home on Friday ? " " What time on Friday ? " " So you 're not coming home on Thursday ? " I assured him that we 'd arrive home after lunch on Friday . My only thought at these questions was that he was planning a party . Then , out of the blue , he said , " I love you . " It wasn 't the same as a normal " love ya " at the end of a phone call , it was said with depth and meaning . It was something that I 'd never heard from Barry before . I didn 't say anything to him about it because I didn 't want to scare him from saying it like that again , so I said " I love you too , Barry . " There was a pause . I said , " I 'll see you on Friday . " His reply was simply , " Bye . " These were to be the last words I heard Barry say . Daniel and Angie have since told us that Barry was happy during the entire time they were here . Apparently , Barry made a CD on the Monday night . On the Tuesday night , Daniel walked into Barry 's room to find him writing a letter , but Barry wouldn 't let Daniel see it . On the Wednesday night , the two brothers sat outside feeding a possum and talking about old times . They played games and laughed until quite late . Daniel said the house felt peaceful when he went to bed .