Month : November 2015 As Walls Close In Posted on November 30 , 2015 by mrjprice3 We all feel trapped . Well , a lot of us do . No one wants to admit it , though . We walk around , erecting facades to cover our emptiness , hiding our fears and our doubts behind the guise of ego and masks of cool confidence . What is it , though ? Has every generation felt this way , or is this a unique phenomenon among us today ? Are we too weak to live ? Are we too sheltered to exist ? Have we been so diluted that the cold winds of reality are simply too much for us to bear ? I don 't know , but I certainly hope not . We are smart enough to see that the game is rigged . We are told that we have potential , that we have the power to change the way things are , and yet we are never told how to unlock that potential and enact that change . We are either just too stupid or too uninformed to do anything . Our hands are tied , and we are trapped . We are faced with global problems that are seemingly insurmountable . We are asked social questions that seem to have no satisfactory answers available to us . Our relationships with the world and with each other are daunting enough , but on top of it all , we have our personal worries and woes . We still have bills to pay , we still have responsibilities , and we have to address them with diseased minds . I 'm not one to give a Braveheart - esque speech , so I won 't try . I won 't try to rally your spirits , or lift you up . I don 't have the answers . I am just as blind as everyone else ; possibly more so . I am shadowed by my mental monsters just as much as you . I can put my bitterness to bed , but my anger … that , I can use . Even when my soul is on its knees , the fight inside me refuses to die . So , for now , I snarl in the face of my struggles , and I use my weaknesses as strengths . I take my next step , and the one after that , and every one until my heart gives out , knowing that at some point , something 's got to give . Sooner or later , I 'll find my moment . Eventually , the monster will blink , and that is when I 'll strike . Perhaps I am delusional . Perhaps I hide my reality within the tapestry of elegant words ; minimizing my worries by viewing them through the lens of metaphor and analogy . If that is the case , so be it . Whatever it takes to get me up every day is worth it . At some point , I will be able to put these words to bed ; I 'll be able to put down my crutch and live in a better reality than the one I live in now . Until then , I fight . I struggle . I survive . Eventually , I will succeed . Eventually , I will be able to do more than simply survive ; I will be able to live . Drifter Posted on November 28 , 2015 by mrjprice3 As cheesy as it sounds , I do remember the day she left for Santa Monica . She packed up her white 1989 sand - cruiser Jeep and headed off to California . It was one of the hardest goodbyes I ever had to make . Vanessa and I were close to say the least . From the day we met we were close . I also knew from the day I met her that she was a runner , and one day she would disappear into the sunset . Without any hesitation , she kissed me on the cheek and climbed on his bike . I stood there a little stunned , but I really shouldn 't have been . Vanessa was a wild spirit , and she could never resist an adventure . She rolled back into town and up to my doorstep two weeks later , wearing new clothes and carrying mementos from the trip in a small backpack . I smiled , and again , she kissed my cheek as she walked passed me . She stayed with me for a few days , unloading stories every night while I made dinner , telling me of her time in Utah , or the night she spent in Fargo , among other things . I was glad she was home , but there was a part of me that began waiting for the next time she would drop out of my life and disappear . She was untamable ; I always called her my mustang . She was wild and free , never one to be held in one place or told what to do . She just couldn 't be contained . It was one of the many things that I loved about her . Not that I could tell her that ; as soon as somebody told her how much she meant to them , she ran . She was young and refused to be committed or tied down ; she needed her freedom . I knew I was one of the few solid things she had in her life . No matter where she went , how long she was gone , or what she did , I was always there for her when she came back . I 'd like to think I taught her to trust again . She had been through quite a bit by the time we met , and there were nights she spent curled up in my arms , just telling me all the things she was too afraid to tell anyone else . It was never romantic , per say ; we were just close . She was easy to love , in a number of ways . She taught me a lot as well . The biggest thing I learned from Vanessa was never to hold on too tightly . People come and go , and if you cling too tightly to them , it only hurts that much more when they go . She was in and out of my life so much it seemed like she was intentionally teaching me that lesson . Always on the go . She took me with her once or twice , but usually I got a peck on the cheek to let me know she would be ok , and then she was on her way . Her thirst for adventure took her some incredible places . She called me one day , bursting to tell me that she was taking an impromptu trip to Spain . One of her work friends had two plane tickets to Madrid and she had one to spare . So Vanessa jumped on the opportunity . She was gone for two months . She called me once a week to let me know she was still alive , intentionally calling when I couldn 't pick up the phone . I think she was afraid talking to me would make her want to come home . I 'd never ask her to choke off her wanderlust , but she knew I missed her . Like I said , we were close . She did that sort of thing every few months . She would take off , usually with a friend or two , occasionally by herself or with a stranger , and just travel . New York , Portland , New Orleans , Vancouver … she went all over . She always came back , filled to the brim with excitement and love of life . As much as I wanted her to stay , that unbridled side of her was what made her so wonderful . She was unlike anyone else . She went where she wanted , lived life the way that she wanted , and when she missed home or she needed a break , she came back . I had to take her as she was , because asking her to stay was like asking a bird not to sing : not only is it impossible , but that part of her was one of the most beautiful things about her . " I 'd like to say I will keep in touch , and I 'll visit you , but realistically , I probably won 't . It 's just easier for me that way . I might not even tell you when I leave . I hate goodbyes , I can 't handle distance … it 's just better this way , trust me . " " LET me go ? Who do you think you 're talking to ? I do whatever I damn well please , and you don 't LET or MAKE me do anything . " " Look … you 're important to me . If the day you leave is the last time I ever see you , I want it to be a good memory . I want to be able to look back and be happy with the way we parted ways . It 's important to me . If all I have of you is my memories , I want to be able to cherish them . " We laughed , and she continued , " It is ! You 're over there baring your feelings , putting everything on the table , and I 'm stoic and steely . I am out - manning you right now . " I smiled and poked her in the ribs . " Fair enough . I 'll close the lid on the emotions box if you promise to let me say goodbye . " A few months went by , and she stayed in town , not really going anywhere , hanging out at my place from time to time . We continued to partake in our personal traditions , eating a pint of ice cream together on movie nights , or pitching tents in my back yard and making camp - fires . The thought that she was leaving was always on my mind , but I was able to keep it a distant thought , focusing on the day I was living in , instead of the day that was coming . That day did eventually come , though . There was no postponing it or pretending it didn 't arrive . Vanessa had stayed over at my place the night before , having packed up her Jeep already , and we spent one last night watching movies , playing board games , and talking about every topic under the sun . In the morning , she fussed over her hair in the bathroom as I double and triple checked that the Jeep was in good shape . Finally , she was ready . She came outside , and I thought to myself that there was no better image to remember her by . The 10am sun hit her hair just right , and her blue eyes sparkled with the excitement of a new adventure . She walked over to me , wrapped her arms around my neck , and pulled me in close . We stood like that in my driveway for a few minutes , and I mustered up the courage to speak . " Take care of yourself , Road Warrior . And if you ever find yourself in this neck of the woods again , feel free to hit me up or just drop by . You know I 'm always here . " She smiled , but I could see the sadness in her eyes . This was somewhat difficult for her as well . She couldn 't say anything , but she looked at me , pressed her lips together , and shook her head . Then she climbed into that sand - racer , turned on her music , and waved as she pulled out of my driveway . I waved back , and watched her drive away until I couldn 't see her anymore . I stood there , facing the street , heavy - hearted , thinking about the wild mustang that had just left my life . Suddenly , a calming thought overcame all others in my mind : the reason she had always come back before became very clear to me . I grinned to myself as I turned to go back inside the house . She 'll be back … eventually . The Odd Love Life of Christopher D . Collins Posted on November 28 , 2015 by mrjprice3 After the Bachelor High Court made their ruling , life went on . Jonny went back to Michigan , Jeremy went back to … whatever it was that Jeremy did , and Collins and Schmidty went back to trying to keep themselves entertained . Now that his life was more less back on track , Collins started thinking about his future . He realized that he couldn 't work at the college forever , or he was going to turn into that weird old guy who couldn 't let go of his alma mater ( the security department already had a guy like that ; truth be told , he was actually pretty cool , but I stray from my point . ) So Collins began looking at various colleges where he could finish his degree . He couldn 't go back to the college he had been attending because he couldn 't afford to re - enroll . He started looking at other schools , first local , and then out of state . Everything he looked at was out of his price range except for Jon 's school in Michigan . When he called them , they said he would be eligible for a grant called the " Orphaned Child College Fund . " It was exactly what it sounded like : people who have lost one or both of their parents can get help from the government to pay for college without taking out a major loan . This sounded perfect to Collins , so he scheduled a meeting with Robo - Admissions and drove up there . It was a short trip , one day up and one day back , but Collins wanted to be sure he got all his financials worked out before he uprooted and moved to Michigan . On the way up , Collins called Jonny and told him what was going on . " Hey , buddy , " he said when Jon picked up the phone . " I 'm heading up to talk to Robo - Admissions about maybe finishing my degree up there . She said I 'm eligible for some orphan grant since my dad passed away . " " I suppose that 's one way to put it , and it makes it sound a lot cooler than it really is . I like it . Good thinking , Jonny " The rest of the ride was quite uneventful . When Collins arrived , he had his meeting with Robo - Admissions , where she told him that he was no longer eligible for the Batman grant because he was too old . When he asked how he was eligible for it three days prior and not now , she simply shrugged and apologized . Feeling somewhat down , Collins grabbed dinner that night with Jon . He then crashed on Jonny 's couch until morning and returned home . Deciding that he was going to be working for campus security for a while , he started investing in his personal life again . He started going out on the weekends , going on dates , and getting back into " the game , " as it were . Now , Collins had never been good at the dating game , but after having been on - again , off - again with The Troll for a couple of years , his already poor dating skills were quite rusty . He also had a habit of attracting a very specific type of woman , namely , the clinically insane . There were very few women Collins dated who weren 't dangerously crazy . This is nothing against women in general , since there are plenty of pretty , well - adjusted women out there . Collins just happened to be a crazy magnet . The first clue Collins had that he wasn 't any good at dating was when he went out for coffee with Mail Man 's Daughter . Collins worked up the courage to ask her out , they went out for a late morning cup of coffee , and had a good time . At the end , Collins remarked that next time , he would take her on a " real date . " She spit out the last of her coffee and told him that she had no idea they were on a date in the first place . The second girl , we 'll call her McDonald 's In the Rain , made things uncomfortable for a different reason . Collins made sure she knew they were going on a date , and she told him she would meet him at his apartment the night of the date . When she arrived , she stood outside in the rain and said , " Chris , I 've decided I don 't want to go on a date with you , but I still want you to buy me dinner . " Now , Collins wasn 't a complete idiot ; he didn 't take her to a five star restaurant . They got in his car and went to the McDonald 's drive through . If he was being forced to pay for his anti - date 's dinner , he was spending the least amount of money possible . So they drove back to his apartment and ate their food in the parking lot , she got out of his car without saying goodbye , and went home . Collins decided that perhaps he would have better luck picking up dates at bars . The first girl he tried to woo was " Chewbacca . " She was big , hairy , and she only spoke in deep , guttural grunts and noises . " Shut up , I 'm telling the story . In my head , I always imagined her as a tall , hairy , overweight woman who spoke like Chewbacca . That 's why we called her that in the first place . " The waitress , who had gotten off shift and was sitting at the table with the guys now , spoke up . " I kind of like the way Jon tells it . It 's funnier that way . " Now , Chewbacca was this big , hairy oaf who frequented this country bar Collins went to now and then with his buddy Eric . Eric was a Wisconsin boy who was fond of country music and whiskey , and since he was usually paying for the beer , Collins tagged along now and then when he went out . One night , Collins had just enough alcohol in his system to be stupid , but not enough to start dancing . We 'll say he was " buzzed . " He found his way out to the smoking deck , where he bumped into a group of three women who were celebrating a birthday . They asked Collins for a lighter , and since alcohol made Collins an extra friendly person , they struck up a conversation . Collins especially hit it off with Chewbacca and the two wound up talking and drinking together until bar closed . At that point , Collins realized that Eric had left without him , leaving him without a ride home . Chewbacca hadn 't had very much to drink , and had spent most of the night drinking water since she was the DD for her friends . She offered to give Collins a ride home , and being in the position he was in , he agreed . She dropped off all her friends first , and finally it was just the two of them in the car . About halfway to Collins ' place , they pulled over and got some food , and they wound up eating in the parking lot and talking for another hour or so . After the meal , they made their way back onto the road , and by now , Collins was beginning to sober up a bit . With some of his mental faculties returning , he started to worry that this woman was getting the wrong signals from him ; he was just friendly , he wasn 't trying to hook up with her or anything . Nevertheless , she seemed very interested in him . Upon pulling up to the apartment , Chewbacca put the car in park and turned to Collins with a gleam in her eye . She started talking very slow and provocatively , as she laid her hand on his thigh . In later years , Collins could never remember what she said to him that night , as he was much more concerned with monitoring the increasingly - uncomfortable placement of her hand . As she spoke , she ran her hand up his thigh , over his stomach and chest and up to his shoulders . Suddenly , she gripped the back of his neck like a vice and pulled him in for a kiss . It was the worst kiss of Collins ' entire life . The woman was a chain smoker , and he could taste every cigarette she had ever smoked as she stuck her tongue down his throat . She was also a surprisingly strong woman , as no matter how hard he fought to get away , he was unable to pull himself away from her . Finally , she released him , and he flew out of the car mumbling , " Gotta go , bye … " Collins never looked back as he ran to the door , his feet barely touching the ground , praying she wasn 't following him . Surprisingly , that did not dissuade Collins from trying to pick up dates at bars ; he simply stopped going to that particular bar . Seeing how Collins was unable to find a decent date on his own , Schmidty took pity on him and tried to help him out . One night , Collins , Schmidt , and Jeremy were all out at dinner together and their waitress happened to be quite attractive . This inspired the boys to talk to her at length every time she came to the table . After the meal , the guys walked outside , and suddenly Schmidty ran back inside the restaurant for several minutes . When he reemerged , he handed Collins a napkin and said , " You owe me one ; call her . " Collins waited a couple days , and then called her . She invited him out to have drinks that weekend , and since it was earlier in the evening ( around 7 ) , along with the fact that she never mentioned that there would be other people there , Collins thought it would be just the two of them . It was not . It turns out it was actually ladies ' night for her and her friends . When he arrived at the bar , he saw The Waitress sitting at a table with three other girls and one guy . She saw him walk in and waved him over . Thinking that things couldn 't be too bad and that he would have a chance to ask her out alone , he proceeded to spend the evening with The Waitress and her four friends . When everyone got up to go home , she pulled him aside and said , " What did you think of my friend ? " " I don 't know … you just seemed gay to me . I didn 't mean to offend you or anything . I thought it was kind of weird that your friend wanted my number for you . I could have sworn you were gay … so , not even a little bit ? Because Paulie is a really sweet guy … " After that , Collins tried the online dating thing for a while . He didn 't really have much success , until one girl started chatting him up . After a week or so , she gave him her number , and they talked back and forth for a week or so like that . Finally , Collins asked her out on a dinner date . There was a small Italian restaurant downtown , and Collins suggested that they meet up there ( she was a very modern woman and didn 't want to be picked up or shuttled around . ) The place wasn 't too fancy , but they made good food and it was a quiet atmosphere . Collins waited outside for her to arrive , and when she did , they went in and got a table right away . They sat down , ordered drinks , and began to talk . After getting their drinks delivered , they talked for a few more minutes while they decided what they were going to eat . They had been in the restaurant for about fifteen minutes , when the girl abruptly stood up and walked out , never to be heard from again . It was quite a blow to Collins ' self - confidence , but it gave the rest of the guys an excellent punch line for years to come . The Troll returned to Collins ' life , and given the circumstances , one can somewhat understand why he began talking to her again . He needed something to distract him from what he was going through , and she reappeared at just the right time . This does not make it any less of a horrible decision , but his reasoning behind it can be understood . After a few weeks , Collins found himself entwined in a relationship with this evil woman … again . He moved back in with her , against the advice of all his friends and family , and started pouring all his time and energy into pleasing the one person in his life who was trying to take advantage of him . He was being quite a dumbass . Over the next two months , he lost contact with everyone except for Schmidty . He massively violated the Bachelor Code of Ethics , and thus , his friends pretty much gave up on him for a while . When he finally broke up with The Troll for good , he came crawling back to Schmidty and Jeremy 's house for forgiveness . The Bachelor High Court was a judgment system set up by the guys during their college days . It consisted of Collins , Schmidty , Jeremy , and Jonny . They decided as a group that if any of them did anything that drastically affected the group as a whole , they would gather together and decide on a course of action . To this day , it has only been called to meeting two other times . It is a very sacred court , and the decisions made while it was in session were regarded as law by those involved . In this particular case , Jonny took a few days off work and drove down from Michigan to participate . Everyone gathered in Schmidty 's living room for the proceedings . The guys ordered pizza and opened a bottle of cinnamon whiskey ( as was customary for the BHC ) , and began the hearing . Jeremy started things off . " Collins , you have been called before the Bachelor High Court today to determine your penance before we allow you back into the brotherhood . You had been warned that this would happen if you ever got back together with The Troll , and now you stand here tonight to pay for your crimes . " Collins nodded , and Jonny stepped in . " Collins , you were really kind of an * censored * to us over the last few months . We understand that your dad just died and all , but living with that bitch again was way over the line . We were all ready to end our friendships with you over this . Well , except Schmidty . He wanted to give you a chance , but me and Jeremy were ready to let you suffer the consequences of your actions . You ditched us , you quit talking to us , you wouldn 't listen to a word we would say , and you expected us to be ok with it all . You should count yourself lucky that we allowed this hearing at all , because we almost didn 't even want to let you back in . " While the other two chuckled to themselves , Jeremy gave Collins the ruling . " So , we talked about it , and we came up with a punishment : You were with The Troll for three months , so for the next three months we get to slap you in the back of the head as hard as we want whenever we want . Do you still accept the terms ? " Collins sighed and nodded . The other three laughed and then Schmidty poured a shot for everyone . Jonny gave the toast . " In honor of the decision made by the Bachelor High Court , we drink . " After a " hear , hear , " from everyone , they took their shots … and then they took turns smacking Collins on the back of the head with as much gusto as possible . Jeremy went first , knocking Collins ' hat off his head . Immediately after , Jonny took his turn , causing Collins to lose his sight for a second . As soon as he recovered from that , Schmidty hit him . That was the most painful hit Collins had ever taken ( and he had been knocked across an intersection by a Corvette once ) . Now , the porch was on the main level of the townhouse , but the place was built on a hill , so the porch was suspended a full story into the air . Collins was launched from where he stood , over the railing , and fell to the ground below . As he lay there moaning and coughing , Schmidty laughed , looked down at him and said , " Get up ; we 're going to eat . " The next three months were filled with violent blows to the back of the head , some so dramatic that Collins had nightmares about them . Jonny was allowed to get his licks in while he was in town , and then the punishment fell to Jeremy and Schmidty , who did their duty all - too - willingly . Collins learned his lesson , though . They definitely got their point across . Bottle Rockets and Air Raids Posted on November 25 , 2015 by mrjprice3 It was all so surreal ; he was physically there , but not … truly … there . He stared up at the night sky as the jets made another pass over the oil - soaked desert . Several miles ahead , fire spewed from the tops of the oil rigs , burning with a seemingly unquenchable rage . Concussive booms shook the ground ; even the air around him seemed to tremble , and his ears buzzed and hummed with each blast . He slipped off his helmet and held it loosely in his hands , gazing up at the sky , completely lost in his thoughts . The explosions lit up the desert in fitful bursts , and it took him back … He was seventeen , the summer after senior year in high school , and six months before he walked into the recruiter 's office and signed his name on the dotted line . To be even more specifically , it was approximately ten minutes after the fireworks show on the Fourth of July ; well , the official fireworks show , at least . He grew up in a little corn town in the middle of nowhere ; even the people who didn 't have actual fireworks had enough gasoline and gunpowder to keep themselves entertained . He was walking down the middle of the street , just having a good time . His friends and family were all there , and the entire town was having a giant party . Granted , there were only about three hundred people in town , and most of them were related in some way or another , but it was about as big of a bash as you would get out there . After a few minutes , the sound of a four - wheeler could be heard rolling their direction . Through the smoke and haze , Ben could make out Rick and Dani barreling his direction . They stopped a few feet from him . When everyone had gathered at the barn , a countdown was had , and the explosions began . The first fuse was lit , and the rocket took off into the sky . It burst into a giant ball of blue and green high above them , and the boom nearly knocked them all to the ground . They laughed and cheered , as the next few were fired in similar fashion . " Oh , shit ! " he cried , as it fell over . Everyone waited for a second , holding their breath . The fuse died out , and nothing happened ; maybe they got lucky and this one was a dud … The firework screamed across the field and slammed right into the side of the barn , blowing open a hole the size of a car . Red siding and two - by - fours flew everywhere , and the entire field was suddenly engulfed in a giant cloud of thick smoke . The smell of sulfur filled the air , and everyone coughed and sputtered as the haze dissipated . They all stared intently at the barn , waiting for the air to clear so they could see the damage . Farmer Stockton was not going to be happy about this . Ben nodded sharply . He could feel the ache of this tour in his bones . It had been almost a year since he had been stateside . It wasn 't that he disliked what he did ; he was proud to be in the military . The people back home bickered back and forth about whether or not they should be fighting any of these battles , but the fact of the matter was , they were here , and he felt responsible for these men . They were his closest friends . They had stared death in the face together on more than one occasion ; there were plenty of guys ( good men , every one of them ) who weren 't going to get the chance to go home . Ben just wanted it all to be over . He was tired ; they all were . There was nothing but sand everywhere they looked . They were always on high alert , even in their sleep . They were all ready for this tour to end , and for everyone to go home to their families . Well , everyone who was left . Ben shook his head and silently laughed to himself as he ran forward to join his battle brothers . All he wanted right now was to go home , crack open a cold beer , and watch a football game with his brother . The ironic thing was he knew that as soon as his ass hit the recliner , all he 'd be able to think about was coming back . But he couldn 't think about that now . They were here , and their lives were on the line . The same thought was milling anxiously around each of their heads : get through today . Get through right now . Nobody goes down , everybody goes home . Oo - rah . Riot Posted on November 25 , 2015 by mrjprice3 From her balcony , she could see the entire downtown area . The sun had just gone down , and the streetlights three stories below were beginning to flicker and come to life . As they began to glow , they illuminated the streets , full of angry people wearing scarves and masks over their faces . they wanted justice , or at least they said they did ; they wanted peace , or at least they claimed they did . From where she stood , it looked quite the opposite . The mob below was yelling and shaking their fists , while the police stood in lines , blocking off the streets . She didn 't even know what they were rioting about this time . She thought back , trying to remember who shot who to start this whole mess . She shook her head . It should never have come to this . The shouting in the streets intensified , and someone threw a bottle at the line of police . Immediately , things went from bad to full - on hellfire . Batons and tasers were brandished , and the mob rushed the police . Fighting broke out in a frenzy , and she sighed . Why did they always do this ? They say violence begets violence ; it would stand to reason that peace would beget peace , then , right ? Why then must war raise his ugly head and pit brother against brother ? What is it about the human race that makes them act like this ? Burnt Pasta and Blackened Hearts Posted on November 21 , 2015 by mrjprice3 I had a mishap a few weeks ago . Yes , I realize I 'm straying from my usual format to tell a boring real - life story , but bear with me for a minute . So , anyway , I was microwaving my dinner , some tortellini bathed in a delicious red sauce . I was really looking forward to it ; I had made it the day before , and had been quite satisfied . Food excites me a little bit , so my spirits were high , and my hopes were higher … okay , so food excites me a lot . But I digress . So I was reheating my food , when suddenly a heavy black smoke began pouring out of the microwave . I quickly removed it , only to find that the tupperware bowl had melted , and my food was completely ruined . I was more than a little upset ; there may have been a moment where I was close to tears . My food was FUBAR , and my trust of the microwave had been broken , so I settled for a peanut butter sandwich . Since then , I have been terrified of using the microwave . When I must employ its services , I watch my food like a hawk , removing it at even the slightest whisp of steam . I have been traumatized . I can 't put anything in the microwave without expecting it to burst into flames , destroying my food and the container it happens to be in . Today , however , I stuck a bowl into the microwave , pumped in the heating time , and just … walked away . You know what ? Nothing happened . Well , something happened ; my food got warmed up , obviously , but it didn 't get burned to a crisp , the house didn 't catch on fire , and my soul wasn 't writhing in anguish over the loss of some good grub . It 's funny how so often , we allow a solitary bad experience to dominate our thoughts , changing the way we live forever . We live our lives in constant fear , cranking up our own anxiety , wondering if " that thing " is going to happen again . And a lot of times , it 's something stupid . I 'm not trying to discount the experience . When you pull that putrid black ball of plastic out of the microwave , it turns your stomach . What 's stupid about it is we let those single moments , those exceptions to the rule , dictate our thoughts and our actions . THAT is just plain dumb .