I should 've known something had happened when Jeanine came to work so early . She pulled open the main cabin 's creaky screen door at five - thirty , when the sun was barely creeping over the hill . I 'd only drunk one cup of coffee and Jeanine looked awful . She 's head counselor at my camp . She 's been head counselor for six years now , and her appearance is always impeccable - hair in a perky ponytail , clothes ironed and carefully chosen , a shiny silver whistle dangling from a bright - green rope encircling her neck . But there she stood , all raccoon eyes from old mascara , mismatched clothes - an old red sweater , wrinkled khakis , and dusty , black flip - flops . It took me a long while to process what she said . The worst accident we 've ever had was when little Ronnie Fusco almost drowned in the lake after getting knocked out by a flying boogie board . We 've had a few broken arms , a badly fractured leg , and it seemed to me that Jeanine simply must 've had it wrong . " He and two other boys snuck out last night after lights out and went to Crown Burger . Then Crown Burger got robbed . " She bent over like she had a stomach cramp , and her voice was cracking with every other word . " And the man shot Ethan . " " Scott and Mikey . They ran outside but Ethan tried to stop the guy or something and he got shot . We have to call his parents . What are we going to do ? " My fingers looked gray , all limp and useless on the desk . I could hear buzzing in my ears . Jeanine watched me with her eyes wide , waiting for me to tell her how to handle this . I was silent . " No , " I said . I couldn 't fathom it . I thought of my son , Lee . " Who called you ? " I asked , feeling both cowardly and grateful that I 'd long ago given the police department Jeanine 's number as the camp 's emergency contact . " You go home , " I said , coughing a little . " Get dressed . I 'm going to need you to run camp today . Where are Scott and Mikey ? " " Okay . You go . Don 't tell the other campers . I 'll think about how to tell everyone . " She started to walk toward the door . " Oh man , " I said under my breath , my hand sitting inert on the phone . I couldn 't possibly make this phone call . Would they ask me to come to the crime scene ? To identify his body ? My job is to make sure these children are safe and happy . A bit of vomit surged to the back of my throat . The sun was half up over the hill , and I could tell it was going to be a sweltering day . " Someone tell me this is a nightmare , " I said as I picked up the phone and dialed . Officer Murray told me that , as far as they could tell , the man wanted the money from the cash register . The girl behind the register was too terrified to do anything , crying and curled up under the soda dispenser , so Ethan went to help . Scott and Mikey ran outside , but they watched through the window . They said Ethan went behind the counter and bent over to ask the girl how to open the register . The man must 've thought he was going to tell her to push an alarm button or call the police , so he shoved Ethan and the girl into the back room and put them in the freezer . Then , Officer Murray said , " For reasons we can 't discern , he shot them both dead center in the back . " I sat there at my desk , listening to this , thinking that I wanted none of it . I wanted to go out and get on the bullhorn and wake up the campers like I normally do . Officer Murray started talking again , and I could feel myself sinking , as if I were in a locked car that had just careened off the bend and was being swallowed on all sides by black water . I would have to deal with this . A child died in my care . I put the phone down and ran to the bathroom and threw up , all acid and coffee . I wiped my mouth with a hand towel and came back to the phone . " Hello ? You all right , Jim ? " Officer Murray asked . " I 'll need you to come down to get these boys and deal with some of the ugly formalities that go with a case like this . " " Yes , " I said . " I 'll be there as fast as I can . " My feet went all jittery . I ran to my truck and floored it all the way to the police station . The whole way there I thought of my son . He 's in his thirties now , but if I 'd lost him when he was 17 , I think I might 've died myself . Seventeen . It 's such a bright time , a time of such promise and hope . Of course , when Lee was 17 , his mom died , and that pretty much took all the hope out of him . Amelia had colon cancer and we didn 't catch it in time . Even when she told me that she was passing blood , I never suggested she go to the doctor . God knows she never would 've gone on her own . I just figured it was hemorrhoids . We were getting old , nudging 60 . Things were supposed to start falling apart a little bit . Just not that much . She died a month before Lee left for Oberlin . We were happy because he 'd chosen a college only an hour away , a good college too . And despite being bald and emaciated , Amelia was still all talk about getting Lee settled in his dorm room , about buying him a new comforter for his bed , a new stereo , and maybe even a computer . Then , the next week , she started to feel bad again , so we took her to the hospital . They said it was pneumonia . It took her in three days . As she died Lee held one hand and I held the other . " Save me a seat , " I said , trying to make her smile . But she didn 't smile and , moments later , I lost my girl . In the car on the way home from the hospital , Lee was silent , all spent from crying . I didn 't expect him to say anything , but he did . " She 's not going to be able to save you a fucking seat , Dad , " he said . " Because you 're going to go to hell for not telling her to go to the doctor . For being so worried about your fucking camp that you neglected your own wife . Jesus Christ ! " He started punching the dashboard , and I saw fury unlike anything I 'd ever seen . Spit was flying from his mouth ; veins popped out on his forehead . I thought about pulling the car over but just kept driving , staying in between the lines and letting my son rage . I knew he was mourning . I knew he was angry . I hoped he didn 't mean it . At the police station I saw Scott Bradshaw and Mikey Davis sitting together on a long wooden bench . They were hunched over , pale and exhausted . When they saw me they sat quiet , like war veterans who couldn 't talk about what they 'd seen . I knelt down in front of them . " You boys okay ? " I asked . They nodded . " I 'm so sorry , boys . I 'm so sorry . " Mikey 's chin started quivering and he busted out with one loud sob . I put my hand on his leg , and he didn 't move , just cried quietly . Scott stared at the floor . " We 'll call your parents so you can talk to them about this or go home for a while . " They both nodded again . " Okay , " I said , " I 'm going to go talk to Officer Murray . " But I couldn 't quite leave them yet . I stayed there , kneeled on the floor , and put one hand on each of their shoulders . " This is not your fault , " I said . Scott spoke , his voice all calm and clear . " Yes it is . It 's my fault . I was the one who wanted to sneak out . Ethan wanted to stay and play cards . " He stared at the floor as he spoke . " Son , " I said , " you can 't help that some raging lunatic robbed the Crown Burger . You 're not responsible . Got it ? " He didn 't move . " Scott ? Look at me . " Finally , he looked up , his eyes bloodshot and sunken , but still , they were the eyes of a child . " You are not responsible for this , " I said slowly . He blinked and nodded once , then looked back down . Officer Murray came down the hallway and waved me toward him . I squeezed the boys ' shoulders , then followed Officer Murray to his office . He and I are familiar with each other . His crew always helps direct traffic on arrival and departure days . And they keep an eye out for our kids when they do stupid things like sneak out after hours . More than once they 've brought campers to my cabin in the middle of the night . He sat down at his desk , and I sat in a chair opposite him . " Awful tragedy , " he said . " Just awful . That girl was a Havens High School grad . She was saving money so she could go to junior college in Cleveland . " He paused , pushed his thick glasses up the greasy bridge of his nose . " No sign of the suspect yet . He ran out the back entrance and sped off in a red pickup . We 've got an APB for his make and model . No one got the plates , though . Such a shame . And the bastard didn 't even get a penny . All this for nothing . " I sat there thinking that if he asked me to come with him to the morgue to identify the body , I might throw up again . I hadn 't eaten anything , but I was sure my body could figure out a way . " I can 't , " I said , " see the body . If that 's something you need me to do . I just can 't yet . " " Okay , " he said . He looked down at his desk , then pushed a clear plastic bag toward me . " These were in his possession . " In the bag were a Swiss Army knife , a cabin key , and Ethan 's wallet . I took the bag and stood up . " I 'll go and tell his parents , " I said . I couldn 't bear the thought of them getting a phone call from a policeman with this kind of news . " Can you get Scott and Mikey back to camp ? " " Take them straight to Jeanine . She should be in the cabin next to mine , " I said as I stood up . " Ask her to call their parents , tell them to do what they think 's best . " I walked out before he could protest . I saw that the boys got into Officer Murray 's car , and I told them to get back to camp , clean up , eat something , and go to Jeanine . As they drove away I stood there with the plastic bag in my hand . I opened it . I tried not to look at the picture on Ethan 's driver 's license , his goofy grin , his disheveled brown hair that was always dangling in his eyes . 43 Poplar Drive , Pittsburgh , PA . It would take about an hour and a half to get there . I got in my car and began driving . I remembered Ethan 's parents from when they dropped him off at the beginning of each summer . His father was clean - cut , with a salt - and - pepper goatee . He had a rigid , bony build . His mother 's voice was loud and raspy , like Ethan 's , and it looked like she hadn 't cut her brown hair since 1973 . She was heavy and wore a long , bright - pink , flowery skirt and a purple tank top that exposed her thick upper arms . I liked them both . They were all smiles when Ethan was around , and Ethan had this way of jibing his dad , making him bust out with deep belly laughs . As I pulled onto Interstate 80 , I tried to remember everything , anything about them . Ethan had been coming to Rollicking Hills since he was about 12 years old , and he was proud to have become a senior camper . He was incredible with the younger campers , especially the boys . He could dissolve a fight in two seconds just by standing between the kids . Then he 'd squat down and talk to them , get to the heart of what was wrong . None of the other senior campers possessed that kind of maturity . He was about 6 ' 2 ″ and a star baseball player in high school . Last summer he dated a sweet , pretty junior camper named Ashley . And when he broke it off early this summer , she cried for weeks . I saw her crying once , sitting in the semicircle of tree trunks that makes the amphitheater . She was holding court with several overly concerned 15 - year - old girls . " I just don 't understand , " she wept . " I loved him so much . " He had graduated from high school just a few weeks ago , was headed off to Ohio State in the fall . He told me he wanted to be a veterinarian . Scott and Mikey were going to Ohio State too , and they were planning to room together . I loved the idea and told them so over supper one night not long ago . I knew they 'd keep each other in line . But now Ethan was gone . I shuddered and gripped the steering wheel . I thought of my son again , about when I took him to college . It was just me who said good - bye after unloading the car and hauling the boxes into Lee 's dorm room . Amelia would 've made the moment so perfectly sweet and sad . She would 've been crying and laughing at the same time , touching Lee , holding his hand , and telling him to have a great time , to enjoy every moment of college . She would have given him perfect advice - something I never would 've thought to say . But , instead , Lee and I hugged with this awkward mistiming . He squeezed first , then I squeezed , and then we both let go fast , like we felt we 'd done it wrong . I had the urge to lean in and hug him again , but I didn 't . " See ya , " he said , and he turned around and walked back into the dorm . " Bye , son , " I said , but I wasn 't sure he heard me . I looked at my dashboard , saw that I was doing 90 , and realized that I hadn 't really been paying attention to the road since I left the police station . The gas tank was barely a quarter full , so I pulled off at the next exit . I needed to regroup , buy a map of Pittsburgh , get some food . I bought a Snickers bar , a bag of chips , and a jug of soda . As I walked back to my car , I had this urge to call someone . Anyone . I needed someone to talk to ; I knew that much . I needed to tell someone other than Ethan 's parents that this had happened , as if in preparation to say the words to them . I thought of Scott and Mikey , so traumatized , and it made me cringe to think that this would be their camp story . Not how great it was to spend so much time outdoors , make lifelong friends , practice independence . Rather their friend got shot at a burger joint when he tried to help some innocent girl . I walked over to the gas station 's payphone and used my credit card to call Lee . He was living in Washington , D . C . now , married to a powerful lady named Diane , who didn 't seem to like me very much . When he answered , I tried to sound calm , but I don 't think it worked . " Something 's happened , Lee . " " Dad ? " I knew what he was thinking . It wasn 't really like me to call him . I called on holidays and his birthday and , once , I even drove to D . C . to visit him . But we 'd just drifted apart . We didn 't really have much to talk about . He 's an Internet marketing manager ; his wife 's a lobbyist . I barely knew what those job titles meant . Neither of us watched sports much anymore , so we always ended up talking about the camp - which cabins were getting rehabbed , how the developers from Cleveland were getting too close for comfort and new subdivisions were popping up not 20 miles from us . But Lee always seemed bored by this , irritated even , so I just stopped calling and visiting , and I 'm ashamed to say that , when I stood at that phone booth , I couldn 't remember the last time I 'd talked to my son . " Well , " I stammered , fighting an urge to hang up the phone . " Come on , Lee . You know . Campers sneak out all the time . It 's what they do . " I shoved a hand into my pocket and looked around at the gas station , at all the normal people with their normal lives . " Well , I just wanted to let you know , " I said . " I 'm on the way to inform his parents . " " My God , Dad . Are you okay ? " His question seemed tainted , like he didn 't really care how I was . I hated that this was the feeling I had when calling my son , that all I wanted was to say good - bye . I needed Amelia here . I needed Amelia to be standing next to me , telling me it would all be okay . It seemed like the hour - and - a - half drive lasted about ten minutes . I parked in front of Ethan 's house and could see that his parents were home . Their house was a modest two - story brick colonial , with a bright - green front lawn and beds of Hostas blooming with purple flowers . It was eight - thirty on a Friday morning , and Ethan 's parents were probably bustling around , getting ready for work . As I got out of the car , the sight of a well - worn basketball hoop in the driveway made my knees almost buckle . Never had I felt my body move so slowly and heavily . I paused , studied my worn sneakers on the green doormat that said " Welcome ! " in white plastic script with colorful flowers around it . Then I inhaled , held my breath , and rang the doorbell . Ethan 's mom , Georgia , answered the door , all smiles and smelling like shampoo . I exhaled like her opening the door sucked the air right out of my lungs . I watched her face register who I was , and that I was at their doorstep early on a Friday morning . She put her hand on her mouth . " Hi , Georgia , " I said . My heart knocked violently in my chest . I wanted to fall down there on that spot . I wanted to run back to the police station , revive her son , and tell her that everything was all right . " I have some awful news . " The words came out so cold and regular . " Can I come in ? " I asked , my body a different animal entirely than my brain . " Connor ! " Georgia yelled . " Something 's happened ! " I could sense that she would become hysterical . Part of me wanted to leave her a note with the awful news and take off , avoid seeing the whole scene entirely , and part of me wanted to watch it all , to see her fall on the floor and kick and scream and pull out her hair in protest . Connor walked toward the door , holding a cereal bowl in one hand , a spoon in the other . " I am so sorry to tell you that , last night , your son and two other boys snuck out of camp and went to the Crown Burger a mile down the road . While they were there , the restaurant was burglarized , and the man had a gun . " I could feel my lips tightening , my throat clenching in protest . " I 'm so sorry . Ethan was killed . " I bent over involuntarily as I said it . Georgia turned to Connor and put her face to his chest , and he dropped his cereal bowl . Milk splattered onto the welcome mat and my shoes . He held her like he knew what was coming . Georgia screamed . She made a sound like a dying animal or a train screeching , an unworldly sound . Connor closed his eyes . It looked like her scream hurt his chest , like the sound cut through his body . His face was the palest white , and his mouth hung open . I stood there feeling like I should go , leave them to this awful , private moment . But then they turned to me and started asking questions . Was I sure he was dead ? Was he in a hospital ? Could they see him ? And I told them that he 'd been declared dead at the scene and that he was in the morgue . When I said the word " morgue , " Georgia sank down to the floor . Her denim skirt rode up to her knees , exposing her dry , pink kneecaps . " Yes , we 'll want to do that , " he said . I wanted to tell them about Amelia , about how I knew death and how I mourn daily for her . I wanted to tell them that I have dreams that I 'm trying to save her from menacing things like sharks and tsunamis , but I never can . I wanted to tell them that I should 've kept Ethan safe , that his death was something I should 've been able to prevent . Instead , we shared an awkward silence before Connor said , " Well , " and walked away from the front door . Georgia followed him . A few minutes later they returned with a small duffel bag for the trip . We made a silent , slow processional to my car . Connor practically carried Georgia , and he laid her down in the backseat . I wondered if she 'd taken some Valium , because her body was limp , and she was mumbling nonsense . Connor sat in the front seat next to me , and I started the car , listening to Georgia 's crying in the backseat . I couldn 't imagine why Connor wanted to sit next to me . I half hoped that they 'd just want to caravan behind me and I could make the drive alone , but when I made that suggestion , Connor told me he would prefer I drove , because it would be safer . If I were him , I wouldn 't have been thinking about safety . I would 've pummeled me in the front yard , threatened my life for letting someone take their son 's . Instead , he just sat twisted in my passenger 's seat , one hand on Georgia 's hip as he turned away from her to watch the road . Not long into the drive , Georgia 's eyes closed . " I think she 's sleeping , " Connor said . " Probably feels like the only way she can survive right now is to be asleep . Isn 't that some defense mechanism in the wild ? Don 't some animals , when turned upside down or when they go into shock , they just sleep ? Makes sense evolutionarily . " I nodded and gave Connor a little smile . I could see by the empty look on his face that none of this had registered with him yet . He reminded me of myself when I lost Amelia . I felt like I could run a marathon the day after she passed . I actually worked in the yard all day . I put new flowers in all around our main cabin . I bought the brightest flowers I could , because I knew Amelia would 've liked them and because they made me feel alive . There were red , fuchsia , and yellow petunias , and that afternoon , when I finally stepped back to admire what I had accomplished , the flowers only looked imperfect , the soil lumpy , the spacing uneven . The next day I woke up crying . I 've never had that happen before or since . I opened my eyes , must 've been dreaming about her , and there were tears on my cheeks . That was the first in a series of really dark days . I can 't really tell if I 'm out of them yet . It 's been 12 years but everything started to blend together after a while - the dark and the light . " This is the day I 've lived in fear of since the day Ethan was born . That day is here . " He paused . I didn 't say anything . " Now that it 's here it feels so strange and calm . Like I 've always known it would come . Like that fear was preparing me for this moment . But I just felt like we were in the clear for some reason . Just recently , I 'd started feeling that . Like now that he was older , I didn 't have to worry about him chasing a ball across the street and getting hit by a car . I didn 't have to fret that he was out all night , because he knew how to take care of himself . He knew how to take care of everyone else too . I just thought I didn 't need to worry anymore . " He held his hand on his cheek , as if to see if stubble had grown since his morning shave . " Oh , beyond a doubt . The children used to hang off of his arms like little monkeys . " I noticed that I was speaking in past tense , and I paused , unsure for a moment how to continue . " He took them on nature hikes and pointed out every living creature . They would all scramble to sign up for his hikes . Never a spot left . Everyone wanted to be around Ethan . " I could hear myself talking , but I couldn 't focus on what I was saying . I couldn 't tell if it was helping or hurting . I just felt this pit in my stomach , this awful sour feeling . Here I was , the grim reaper personified , sitting there waxing poetic about this poor boy 's too - wonderful - for - words life . I stopped , turned to Connor , wanting to pull over the car , wake up Georgia , tell her they could have everything I owned , that I would give up the camp , all that I loved , if only they would find a way to not let this ruin them . Connor looked like he was in a trance , like he hadn 't heard anything I 'd said , didn 't even remember speaking himself . I figured the silence was for the best . I just drove and began to count the fields on the right side of the road , guessing the crops : soybeans , corn , alfalfa . All that dirt , that fresh , green growth in those sprawling fields , and I could smell nothing but dry , metallic exhaust . My tongue felt thick . I thought about what I might do after I 'd taken Connor and Georgia back to Pittsburgh . Chop down that evergreen that 's been leaning next to the dock , plant flowers , maybe call Lee again . When we pulled into the police station , Georgia said , " We 're here , " from the backseat , startling both me and Connor . We hadn 't heard her wake up or move , but she had her car door open before I 'd even finished pulling into the parking lot . " Sorry , " Connor said before jumping out and running to catch up with her . I turned off the engine and got out of the car , an act so ordinary that , for a moment , I imagined I was simply going to the hardware store or about to put gas in my car . One glance at the police station and reality kicked in . Inside at the front desk , Georgia paused and looked at me like I terrified her , eyes wide , mouth pushed down , hands clenched at her chest . I stepped back and sat on a bench next to the entrance and waited until someone called me in . I waited a long time on that bench . No one talked to me , but everyone looked at me like I 'd just lost a family member . I went outside after one of the secretaries saw me and shook her head like she pitied me . I began to pace in front of the station and thought about how we could prevent something like this from happening again . I pictured a barbed wire fence around the perimeter of the camp or tracking devices around the kids ' ankles so we would know if they 'd snuck out . Was this what it would come to ? Monitoring them like this ? Security guards at summer camp ? I sat down on the steps and thought about Ethan . So far this summer I 'd barely talked to him , really . I saw him in senior camper meetings , waved at him when we passed on the path to the dining hall . He was one that I never worried about . Last summer he pulled a classic prank on the girl campers . He put a Milky Way in the lake when all the girls were having a swim lesson , then walked nonchalantly out onto the deck and shouted , " Doody ! Doody in the lake ! " The girls ran out screaming . A few were gagging and Ethan and Scott were doubled over on the dock , laughing so hard , they could barely breathe . A senior girl camper lodged a formal complaint , and I had to admonish him , tell him he was out of line . I sat there on those steps , wishing that I 'd winked as I punished him , done something to show him that he was the kind of kid I loved having at my camp . Then I heard a voice behind me . " He 's out here enjoying the afternoon ! " It was Georgia . " He let my son die , and he 's out here getting a suntan ! " she screamed . I stood up and tried to speak , to hug her , anything . But she began hitting me in the chest . Her face was ashen gray , her eyes red and bloodshot . " My son ! You killed him ! " she said , growling and pushing me , all hair and fists and fingernails . I grabbed her wrists . They were thick and cold and weak . I held her until Connor and one of the policemen came outside and pulled her away from me . She crumpled , her body limp , like she was going to melt into the ground , but then she stood up and screamed , another wild - eyed , loud , crazy scream , and it seemed just right for what she was going through . I felt my body letting go , like it had no more capacity for stress like this . I would 've welcomed a heart attack or a stroke . Instead , I just sat down like an invalid and felt dizzy , then watched as Connor and the police officer each held one of Georgia 's arms and led her to the back of an unmarked police car . Officer Dwight came and told me he would drive Georgia and Connor to Pittsburgh . " No sense in you going through more than you already have , " he said . I thanked him . " She 'd just seen the body , Jim . She didn 't mean what she said . " " Okay , " I said . I looked at Connor , who stood at the door of the police car , watching me . Then he slid down into the backseat with Georgia and closed the door quietly . Officer Dwight gave me a little wave , then started the car and drove away . I talked to Officer Murray for a while , filled out paperwork , listened to him explain the formalities of a murder case like this , then went to my car and started back to camp . It was late afternoon ; the light on the horizon was turning a warm golden . I didn 't feel like planting flowers or chopping down trees . I didn 't feel like doing anything . When I pulled up to the cabin , I sat in my car for a while , then opened the door , longing for familiar sounds : splashing down at the lake , children laughing , feet crunching on gravel . But it was eerily silent . That night at dinner I had to stand up in front of all the campers and explain what had happened . The girls were crying . The boys were on guard , like cave men preparing to attack someone who had invaded their village . The hubbub was comforting for me , all of us mourning together . Later I locked myself inside my cabin , turned off the phone 's ringer , and worried about how long we would all be reeling from this , how this would change my camp forever . I ignored all of the messages from panicking parents . It was dusk and the sky had turned a brilliant orange outside , but I only felt like hiding . A knock came on the door , and I didn 't answer it , just sat as quiet as I could , hoping whoever it was would go away . I 'd had enough . I couldn 't continue to act like everything would be okay , like I knew exactly how to heal and move on . I peered from around the corner and saw Lee cupping his hands on the window like he did when he was a boy , spying on me and Amelia as we discussed his future were she to pass away . I stood there blinking like someone had shone a bright light in my eyes . I imagined that he had come to tell me that he forgave me for everything , that we needed to talk , to be close again . I didn 't hesitate . I ran to the door , opened it , feeling myself teetering , unstable . " Son , " I said and looked up . But it wasn 't Lee . It was one of the other senior campers , a good friend of Ethan 's , coming to tell me that he and some other boys had decided to begin a night patrol , to make sure campers would never try to sneak out again . His cheeks were flushed and his brown hair blown back as he urgently explained that they 'd made a chart with three - hour shifts and that they intended to start tonight . I interrupted him . " Listen , " I said , " you kids just all need to go on with your regular life at camp . Don 't worry . You 'll be safe . You just leave the protecting to me . Okay , son ? " I put my hand on his shoulder . The boy looked up at me , squinting a little , as if he didn 't trust a word I said .