" I 've heard enough about Death , " I yelled to my mother . She was sitting on the sofa . She had a book in her hand . I went outside and yanked my fishing pole down from the shed rafters and walked to town . " It 's part of living , " she was trying to tell me . " It 's something we all have to deal with at sometime in our lives , " she had said . My mother was saying this because my brother died . Billy was a year and five months older . He had blonde hair and blue eyes . I have red hair and freckles . He was jogging around the track at the new hi - h school when it happened , when he dropped over dead . Mr . Haines , the janitor , found him and called Lifeguard Helicopter , but it didn 't do any good . Billy was DOA . My mother , two sisters , and I drove to the hospital , but only my mother went into the room where they put him . He was blue , she said . It didn 't look like Billy lying there at all , she told us later . They couldn 't find nothing wrong with him . He was a perfect specimen , perfect heart , lungs ; didn 't smoke , drink , or - ake drugs ever . It 's a medical mystery they told my mother . The state doctor who checks out dead people said it was Sudden Infant Death Syndrome . He said that 's what killed my brother , but Billy would 've been sixteen by the end of July . Saying that was just a name they made to make them feel better . They didn 't have any idea why it had happened . " We have to keep our faith , " Mom kept saying to us and everybody else she talked to . " Our faith 'll pull us through , " she said , but I was never a big churchgoer . I was more like Dad . Then she started reading to us from a book about how bad things happen to people who aren 't so bad themselves , but all I wanted to do was go fishing . The funeral was what you 'd expect it to be , a bunch of relatives none of us had hardly ever seen since we were born coming around bringing us sweet rolls , cakes , and pies . It was like they were trying to poison us off with sugar , just like when Dad died in his car wreck , except this was three years later and Dad was forty - three and had had a life - teaching music at the University , playing the organ . But Billy was only fifteen and three - fourths and what had he got to do ? Finally , I couldn 't take it any longer . I wasn 't gonna think about death and dying any more . I walked to the phone booth and called up Monkey . Monkey 's called that because his teeth are too big for his face . Anyway , he looks like a Monkey . He 's a couple years younger , but he 's an okay kid . He likes to go fishing any time you ask , which is what I like best about him , that and the fact he doesn 't hardly talk . I 'm probably the only person in town that ever hangs around with him , but I don 't care . He 's all right really , if you want to know the truth . I didn 't want Monkey 's mom and dad seeing me , telling me how sorry they were , which is why I called him from the pay phone , disguising my voice when his mom answered . " Let 's go down to the River , " I told him when he got on . I met him in the alley behind the Dairy Bonanza . The way down to the river 's not far really , about three blocks is all . You walk down two gravel roads and go behind the brick factory where the wife of somebody we knew got killed once two years ago in an accident . That was Coach 's wife , Mandy Powers , who used to bring us cookies and things after Little League games . Coach began stopping by our house after it happened , I guess because Dad had died already and we were supposed to know how to deal with things like that . Now I suppose we 'll be experts for the whole town to hit on whenever somebody kicks . Everyone knows who our family is . We 're famous for people dying . I was practically sure that most the people in our town were just sitting home feeling sorry for us , as if they didn 't have nothing better to do . Monkey never said much to me about what happened . The day of the funeral he just showed up in the yard and stood next to the tree asking if I still wanted to go fishing . But I couldn 't . I had to stay around the house the whole day - long and talk to people , must of which I didn 't even know . The bridge is an old one . A suspension kind of thing , cables stretching from the top to the ground to hold it up . The floor is wood . It 's big enough for one car at a time , but that 's about it . The beams are rusted . Even when you walk on it , it creaks . Some people think it might rot through , and they 're afraid it 's gonna cave in sometime and hurt somebody , but no one ever does nothing about it . It 's always just there . People drive on it . It 'll probably be there forever . Years ago , Dad started taking us fishing . We 'd always go that way . " There 's nothing to be afraid of , " Dad would say . " Can 't get to the good spots if we stay over here , " he 'd tell us , meaning that the other side of the river always has the best fishing holes , places you got to work to get to . I was never scared of the bridge . It 's never fallen in yet , I figured . When I looked back , Monkey was behind me . He was wearing overalls without a shirt on and had the same shoes on his feet he was wearing two years ago when I met him , except now his toes were sticking out . But that didn 't bother me . I 'd offered to give him some of mine , but they were too big for him . Monkey 's family 's poor , but at least he doesn 't yap all the time like most people . Besides , we 're not so rich ourselves . " Look at the way this water 's swirling here , " I yelled as I was looking down . Below me was the place the two sections of the river come together after splitting around Whitetail Island . " If you were to jump off , this 'd probably be the best place to try it , " I said . I saw Monkey holding to the metal beams , but he wouldn 't look . Sometimes I feel like I 'm just floating when I stand on the bridge , like I 'm just suspended mid - air , falling from somewhere higher , somewhere above , that I just haven 't hit water yet , which is kind of the way I day - dream . A couple of redheaded woodpeckers went whirring into the trees . It 's the white feathers that give them away , not the red . I saw a raccoon on the bank below , picking at a shell . Then a car came by , so we had to scrunch up to the edge . Monkey kept his eyes on the wooden planks . He still wouldn 't look at the river . Then we walked . When we finally got across he mentioned something about wanting to catch a big one . We knew there were some big old catfish in the river , because we 'd seen them . Monkey and I had seen them at a hole once about a mile down the trail . We even tried hitting some of them with sticks one time , but we couldn 't land any . They were three or four feet long , some of the ones we saw . Probably weighing ten or twenty pounds . We got on the path . We 'd been on it hundreds of times , but it always looks different . Mostly it follows Turkey River , though sometimes it wanders off a bit . Monkey and I scrambled down the ravine , jumped on the old tires that 'd been laying there forever , then hit the trail . The trees and grass were thick with noises . He kept following me . We carried our poles out straight ahead of us so we wouldn 't get them tangled in the branches , and every now and then he 'd hit me in the back with his . It didn 't bother me any , though . I 'd been on the trail with a lot of people over the years : with Dad , with Billy , with a lot of my friends . You learn to put up with people in the woods after while . I 'd also done a lot of fishing in the river , but just with boys . None of my sisters would do it , or Mom . They couldn 't stand putting worms on hooks , which is fifty percent of what fishing is all about . If you can 't stand doing that , you have no right going fishing , I always say , which is what Dad used to tell us , " You might as well stay home , and watch TV . " Me and Monkey kept going . Every now and then we 'd hear crows cawing above our heads . We 'd heard owls out there before , and coyotes at night when we didn 't get home before the sun went down , and you can always hear the river . It makes a sound that keeps turning , like a truck motor that never runs out of gas . When we got to a place we knew a good hole was we slid down the embankment to the shore , across from where Whitetail Island begins , and I took my tennis shoes off and squished my toes in the mud . It was cold at first , but you get used to it . I wiggled my feet in further till they were covered up . It was still cold , but that 's because it wasn 't sunny . It was a cloudy kind of day . When they buried Dad I used to worry about how cold it 'd be at the top of the hill where they put him , but that was when I was younger and didn 't know nothing . Dead people can 't feel . I know that now . They don 't care if it 's cold or hot outside . Monkey pulled the styrofoam container that had the worms in it out of his pocket . I picked out a long fat one , then he did the same . You can 't tell if its heads or tails with worms . I 've heard it doesn 't matter to them anyway . If they get chopped in two they can just grow another part and keep on going , like a lizard can grow a new tail if you pull it out . I used to have part of a lizard tail that Billy gave me once , when I was ten , but somehow I lost it . One day it just wasn 't on my shelf any longer , but I liked it when I had it . No one else I knew ever owned one . I tossed my line out first , then Monkey did . It was a pretty good hole we were fishing at . We could spot dark shapes circling under the water . I 'd even seen snapping turtles caught in this part of the river before , but you have to be careful they don 't take your finger off after you reel them in . Some people make soup out of them , but we always tossed them back . I never had nothing against turtles . They aren 't like catfish or carp : bottom feeders . Monkey and me sat watching the river pull along . It 's hypnotizing sometimes , like it could take your head away without your knowing it , but that 's part of what makes it good . I sat and thought about all the things I hadn 't told Monkey yet that I 'd have to once he got older . But he didn 't need to know much of anything now . He could get along fine as he was . A week later I made Billy tell me what it was . We got into a fistfight over it . Even when he had me pinned down I wouldn 't give up . I slithered out and hit him in the jaw , so finally he walked me back to the shed and told me the whole story . Since then , I 've seen Playboys , and Hustlers even . But before that , I didn 't know nothing . I was just like Monkey . The birds and the bees were just the birds and bees to me . Once Monkey 's older he 'll have to know how complicated it gets , and I 'll have to let him know what he 's in for , but for now , he can be ignorant . He can just go on like he is for a while without knowing all the trouble . We kept throwing our lines out , but we didn 't even get a nibble . I told Monkey we should 've brought marshmallows . I read in a fishing magazine that you can really haul them in with marshmallows , but all we had were worms . We kept looking at the water . We knew there was pollution in it , but we didn 't care . It wasn 't as bad as the river going through the city was . You weren 't supposed to eat nothing you caught from there . Out where we live , nobody thinks twice about eating river fish . The water 's not too bad really , you just wouldn 't want to drink it is all . Finally , I washed the mud off my feet and put my shoes back on . I told Monkey we should try somewhere else . There were other places that might be better . " Why should we waste our time at one spot ? " I asked him . We got back on the trail and followed it . I was leading the way . I thought about how I used to play in the woods when I was little : Army , Cops and Robbers , Cowboys and Indians , but Army was always my favorite . You would count to ten when you were shot , then you 'd jump back up and come out fighting . I was always good at sneaking up on people . I was better at Army than Billy even . He was faster , but I was sneakier . I could hide behind any sized tree , where he couldn 't . We liked playing where they were building new houses , in the foundations and dirt piles they 'd bulldozed into mountains where the tall grass would come up thick , hacking our own trails out and making secret forts that no one knew about . Those were the good old days I guess , back when I was dumb as Monkey is now . I was so dumb I was happy . Monkey and I walked on . We tried a couple of other places that were good , but we still couldn 't hook nothing . Monkey got a nibble , but the fish just took his bait . We decided to keep going . There was nothing else to do . The Turkey River twists around like a sidewinder , and the trail follows it . No one knows how it got to be named after a turkey either . It should 've been named after a snake , but maybe it was somebody 's idea of a joke . Everyone knows a turkey 's as dumb a thing as there is . A turkey will stand out in the rain with its mouth open and drown . It doesn 't seem like much of a name to give to a river , but somebody must 've thought it funny . We stopped at one place after another , dipping our poles in with bait , but it was useless . We 'd stay ten minutes each place then move on . We ended up going further down the trail than we usually went . Finally , we 'd gone a couple miles to where the Turkey River makes a wide S turn . I knew where we were at . The other side was steep . There was a big hill . And an old footbridge went from our side up to it . The footbridge was still in one piece , still connected , but it was older than the first bridge we were on , and this one was only wide enough for a person . Some of the board slats were missing , so you had to be careful walking on it . I knew where it went , though . It went right over to the cemetery . " I don 't know about this bridge , " I said to Monkey , " but I guess I 'll have to try it . " Monkey 's eyes got big , but he wouldn 't say nothing . " You stay here a second , " I said to him . I could tell he was relieved . " I 'm gonna just be gone a little bit . I 'm gonna climb up that hill a minute , then I 'll be back . You can try and fish from here , " I said to him , then I baited my pole and handed it to him . He cast both lines in the water , one at a time then stuck the handle of his pole in the mud . He held onto my pole as he watched me climb the bridge . I was holding tight to each of the rope handles as I made my way up . The footbridge was at an angle , each step you took , going higher . I was a little worried some of the slats might give , but I tested each one with some of my weight before committing myself , then finally , I was across . " I made it , " I yelled to Monkey when I was on solid ground . He lifted up one hand and waved , then I went further up the hill and headed for the gravel road . There were a lot of old stones lying around . I was careful not to step on any graves . Some of the dates went back to the eighteen - hundreds . Those stones were old and white with pictures of lambs or dogs etched on them , and a lot of them had sayings that rhymed . I didn 't like reading those things . I tried to just pass them . It never bothered me reading the names of the people , but the sayings always give me the creeps . There was about every kind of name you could ever want to see , too . There were names of people I 'd never even heard of before . I kept walking . Off to my right I could see the river , and if I looked back I could see the bridge , but Monkey was out of sight . I thought maybe he 'd catch something if I was gone . After all , I hadn 't had much luck lately . I was just plain out of it . Finally , I got to the new area where there weren 't any trees , and I recognized it . I went right to the spot . Billy was next to Dad , but Dad had a big stone over him . Billy 's place was still just dirt . There were flowers strewn about , but they were getting old . The clods reminded me of the ones we used to throw at each other playing in the subdivision lots . Those didn 't look any different than the ones that were over him now , but I couldn 't really believe my brother was under there , or Dad either . None of it seemed very real . I felt like I was supposed to cry or something , but I couldn 't make myself . I just ended up getting mad at them , mad for them going off like that without any warning . It wasn 't like when grandpa passed away from cancer after having been sick for a year . This was different . This wasn 't the normal way of dying . I stood there looking down . I had a pack of cigarettes in my pocket that I 'd bought the same day that it happened , and I took one out and smoked it . I didn 't want Monkey seeing me , but I didn 't see what difference it made if I smoked by myself or not . Billy was the athlete ; I 'm the fisherman . I stood there thinking of the last few things I 'd said to him . They were just everyday things : " Where 's my hat , " or " Did you leave any cereal in the box ? " I couldn 't think of nothing he said to me that last day out of the ordinary . He seemed the same as always . I remembered him going out the door with his gym shoes on . I think it was " see yuh later , " that might 've been the last thing he said , but I couldn 't swear to it . It still didn 't seem like he was gone really . And it didn 't seem like Dad was gone either . I turned around and looked at the sky . A group of sparrows went swarming over , moving as if they were one thing , one animal , instead of a bunch of little rust colored birds , and I thought about my body as the smoke went in , about all the different parts to it : my heart and lungs , my stomach , brain , eyes . The smoke made me a little dizzy , and I began wondering what I was , who I was , if I wasn 't just all these parts stuck together with a name attached to them , or what ? Maybe there wasn 't really a me after all , I thought . I wondered about Billy and Dad ? What was it they ever were ? What were they now ? They were lying under my feet , but I could remember talking to them , playing with them , eating with them . I could remember what their voices sounded like . I wondered if there really were souls to people , and if Jesus was really up in heaven waiting for people to die , or if he was just like Santa Claus , that this was really how it was , just dirt at my feet , like when you learn you 're not born from a stork or come up from a cabbage patch . I stood there for the longest time trying to figure it all out , but I couldn 't . I just wished I was Monkey after awhile . I wished I was just that dumb . I threw the cigarette butt in the gravel and stepped on it . I said my goodbyes and left my brother and father lying at the edge of the new part of the cemetery , then I walked back , passing the old head stones without hardly looking at them . When I got to the bridge I could hear voices . I started back down , holding onto the ropes . There were older kids down there now , and Monkey was in the middle of them . I kept going . I could hear them teasing him . When I got close I could see who they were . Most of them I recognized . They were older than me . They were Billy 's age . One of them was holding a couple of big fat carp in his hands , and I could hear them plain as day . The kid started dancing around with them , shaking them in Monkey 's face . The others were laughing . One of them took my fishing - pole from Monkey 's hands and cast it into a tree . I kept walking on the bridge . Nobody saw me , till suddenly , I was right on them . I was standing over them , about six feet away . " Hi , " I said , but none of them would say a word . They dropped their heads down , and their hands went slack . It was as if I 'd put some kind of spell over them . Then I stood there , looking at them as they all backed off , little by little , their heads down , apologizing the closer that I got . It was like they could smell Death near me , like they could feel it sticking close by and were afraid . Finally , they turned and took off down the trail . It was just me and Monkey left . I looked at him . He seemed all right . He got his fish back and he was happy . I cut the line from my pole down and left the hook with the worm on it dangling in the tree . I waited a little before heading back so those boys could get ahead of us . Then finally we hit the trail ourselves , Monkey following , me leading the way . I knew his parents would be glad he caught a couple of carp . They always cooked his fish for him . I imagined him sitting in his kitchen with his family around him , eating the fish he 'd caught in the river , thinking it tasted better than anything he 'd ever eaten before . He 'd be satisfied for a week . His brothers and sisters would be jealous . The next time I wanted to go fishing I wouldn 't even have to ask . He 'd just be standing there if I thought the word " fish . " I carried the carp for him , and for a second I felt like I was him . He followed me across the bridge , but we didn 't stop to look at nothing . I said goodbye to Monkey near his house and watched him toddle up the stoop with his catch . I thought I 'd find him some shoes and surprise him next time we were together . I thought I 'd even buy him an ice cream cone if he wanted one . There was no one in the alley as I walked it . It was getting dark . Our two - story house was looming against the sky . I kicked some stones and watched the dust rise . Everything was quiet except for some black birds stuck in a tree . I noticed the light on in our living room . I knew Mom would be there , that she 'd be reading her book . I wiped my feet off on the mat at the door before going in . For some reason I knew that I 'd sit by her , that I 'd put my arm around her , that we 'd stay that way till dawn . Bobby Angel 's playing , and the lucky people have got their places in the front of the auditorium already , which is really an old movie theatre which the new owner has changed into a nightclub after putting in some décor in front of the first seats : tables made from old copper wire spools and chairs brought in deluxe from the Salvation army . It 's a place where local - yokels play during the week but tonight it 's gonna be to best - thing - in - life - you 're - ever - gonna - see national act concert hall , even if whoever did the paint job on the walls forgot to make it all the way to the ceiling . The place is packed , the bar is hopping , and the drinks are flowing out of the waitress 's hands like the fish and the loaves , miracles everywhere as everybody 's getting ready for this grand earth - shattering event of a lifetime , for nobody can croon like Bobby Angel , who has also got a silver tongue way with words , who takes them straight from his heart and lifts them right into yours , so that you 'd do anything for him , you 'd get on your knees , you 'd roll over , you 'd even bark if you had to . And every woman knows this . Which is why we 're here . Fleeing from exes and has - beens , kitchens full of dishes and kids screaming , and all the unpaid bills and alimony payments that haven 't come , flat tires , cracks in the plumbing , and overflowing toilets . We 've been waiting for this night forever it seems , when we can be taken someplace else , a place we 'd been expected to go all along but never got to . My friend , Suzy , has on her best loopy earrings and a white dress cut so low that if I bend over to talk to her I can see the dark area around one of her nipples . Sherry is dressed in black , Martha 's in a red dress that she couldn 't even have fit into in high school , since she 's on Weight Watchers now , and I 'm in my best : very tactful . It 's a blue dress with small white flowers that puts me in mind of an open field where you can walk and walk and find the rainbow if you wanted it . That , and I have on my turquoise eaWe 're all sitting at one of these tables , drinking various things : a Bloody Mary , a Rum and Coke , a Margarita , and a Vodka Sour , when I see one of the band members come onto the stage : this guy in black boots and with hair down to this shoulders , but it 's squeaky clean hair , and he has a perfect little black moustache above his lip that 's so fine it looks like it was drawn on with a mascara pencil . He puts his guitar onto a stand of some sort , and the closer I look at him , I figure he 's probably forty - five years old , about fifteen years older than I am , but his chest is still bigger than his stomach , which is something you can 't say about many of the guys my age . Then another one of the band members comes out and sits down at the keyboard . He 's not as good looking as the first guy , but he is younger , with about a dozen metal rings in his ears , but his hair is completely fantastic , naturally bright red that stands up straight , just like a bunch of carrots that are growing backwards out of his head . Then the drummer comes onto the stage and sits behind the drum set . This guy 's totally bald , but really macho looking , wearing one of those tee shirts without sleeves and he has tattoos on both of his arms that look like dragons or snakes . Then finally the bass player comes strutting out , this tall drink of water who has a larger than average nose , and tremendous feet , and hands that look like they could fit around your waist they 're so big , and then on top of it , he 's got this jaw line that looks like Mt . Rushmore or something , I mean chiseled . And they 're all tuning and looking at each other , and as they do a hush begins to build in the room , and the stage lights dim all the way then come back on again in a fireworks display of reds , greens , and blues , when all of a sudden he 's here standing amongst them - Bobby Angel . His hair 's disheveled . He 's wearing black sunglasses , and it looks like he hasn 't shaved for a day or two . But his face is so fine boned , his features so utterly perfect and When the song is over we clap so hard that our palms begin to swell and sting , but we love it as the next song and the next , rocks us or lullabies us , takes us to heaven or hell , so that the things inside of us begin to move in ways we barely remember , and we sway in our chairs , feeling like the wood against us is the whole world in his hands . Magnificent . Unbelievable . Nipples hard . Throats dry . We scream . Till the end of the night , when we stand , and everybody stands , raising their arms into the air and yelling , whistling , then applauding again and again , encore , encore , which he gives just once until the lights of the room go up and we are left amongst the throngs of others with the same unquenched desire . " What 's there to lose , " Suzy says . " We 're never going to get any younger . " So together , like a pack of foxes , we rush behind the curtain to the backroom , all four of us girls who are wearing our best and who 've had our hair done and our nails , and we scratch at the backdoor which opens for us , letting us in to the promised land where , thank god , we look good enough to enter , and where the band members sit smoking cigarettes and drinking beer and whiskey , carousing together , except for him , He 's there in the corner , with his sunglasses still on - Bobby Angel - smoking and drinking as well , but in a way different manner than the other guys , for Bobby has something unique and fills his own space himself . So after the second beer I begin moving toward him , very , very slowly . I slide against the wall where he leans and move carefully into the perimeters of his space , removed from the raunch of the rest of them who are now into the party mood , a mood that Bobby isn 't , and then I 'm there in that sacred circle of his , within distance of a whisper to his ear , which is pierced with a small fleck of gold , a very delicate piece of metal , almost not even there , and I turn toward him and look at the stubble on his face , seeing the small black hairs poking out of his translucent skin , as my knees shake , and I light a cigarette for myself , feeling my hands shaking as well as the silver lighter rises to my face . Then as the flame shoots up I see him looking at me , knowing I 'm there next to him . " What ? " I say , not believing this , and I don 't even look back . I take a quick drag of my cigarette then toss it to the floor where my boot heel catches it and grounds it into the linoleum . When I do look back at him once , I feel I 've turned to salt , like my skin has dried out and is flaking off in chunks , and already he 's pulled the shades up again , over his eyes , so there 's just the blackness of my own reflection looking back at me , my hair newly blonde , my lips radiantly red , but I feel this little quiver in my heart that shakes it , that gets it off beat , and I turn to the door at once and walk until I 'm opening it . I step into the hallway which is as black as his sunglasses , blinding me with blackness , until my eyes adjust to that light and I see that I 'm there behind the stage curtain where a half dozen empty beer bottles litter the floor and the ropes for the curtains hang thick and tangled , where the wires from the microphones all run together to a big black box that is plugged into the wall near the exit sign that has the " it " burned out of it , so only " ex " lights up in red , pointing the way . When I open that door I can hear the sound of traffic , the roar and grind of engines , and I can smell the exhaust of diesel fumes from the trucks . The air is cold , and in the distance I hear a siren winding itself through traffic , worming its way into the chambers of my heart . It 's a music of its own , that sound , a music that you taste many nights of your life , that sits there on your tongue , like the taste of metal , toxic , that has somehow leaked into your blood . The cars hadn 't been moving too good . It was a lousy year . It usually didn 't get this cold in Missouri , but one of those odd fronts had moved in , making it miserable . Luke turned out the lights to his office . He pulled the plug on the neon sign that hung across the lot . He didn 't feel like going home yet . He hated closing shop early , but there was no sense staying open when you knew no one was going to buy . He was down , but at least he wasn 't as pathetic as his some of the other members of his family , like his brother Tommy . He was better off than his sister Kathy ; Jim was a little more financially secure , but he married money , which didn 't count . Jack was the one you could say had made it : forty thousand a year plus , and he didn 't have to do a lick of real work to get it . All he did was give guitar lessons over at the university , make an album or two a year , and travel around to exotic places doing gigs . A hard fucking life . When Luke first got into the used car business it was a boom . He thought Jack was crazy going to college , and crazy for practicing guitar all those years , day and day out , but now he saw he 'd had a point . Jack would probably become the president of the damned university before he was fin ­ ished , Luke thought . He always acted so smooth , Jack did , like he was float ­ ing on air . And he never had to get his hands dirty . Luke decided to drive around town a while . At least the heater in his car worked . Sometimes he liked going over to the university to watch the students . He looked young for his age ; most people thought he was a student . It was hard to believe he was twenty - nine years old with three kids and a wife . The kids were still in grade school , aged eleven to six . Patty worked at the Savings and Loan then picked them up after school . He was never sure what his hours were going to be . If it was a good day he might stay till nine or ten o ' clock . But if it looked like nothing was moving , he 'd take off early . He knew from experience that if they weren 't buying , there was nothing you could do about it . He never went home before six though . He didn 't want her thinking he was goofing off . When he got to the university he parked his car and put on his cap and gloves . Students were walking around , going to classes . He went over to the University Center and bought a newspaper and a cup of coffee . The girl at the cash register was pretty . She gave him a big smile as she dropped the change into his hand . If only he was about twenty - two , he thought . When his father had found out Patty was pregnant , there was no decision to be made . Two weeks later they were married : the biggest wedding the First Christian Church ever put on , and when the baby came , it was officially premature . It was the right thing to do , getting married . He never really doubted it . He still believed in God , even though he didn 't go to church anymore . His father still tried to get him to attend though . " Didn 't see you and Patty at service Sunday , " he 'd always say , no matter how long it 'd been since they 'd talked to each other . Luke would usually just shake his head . " We 'll try and make it next Sunday , Dad , ' ' he 'd say , but they never did . Sometimes he thought he should go , to set an example for his kids , but the neighbors took them to Sunday school every week , so they were getting some religion , and Patty was always too tired to go anyway . If she would , he would , but she was lazy the mornings she didn 't have to go to work . After he finished the coffee he walked around campus . His brother 's build ­ ing was there , and he passed it , imagining Jack in front of a classroom , talking to the students . The good - looking coeds probably all had crushes on him . Most of the windows had the shades drawn . In the few that were open he didn 't see anyone that looked like his brother . In all the times he 'd been to the univer ­ sity he 'd never stopped to say hello to Jack . He didn 't even know where his office was ; he just had the building right . You couldn 't miss it with the big Music Building on the side . Luke walked for about an hour . Most of the classes were letting out for the day . He stepped inside the new Rec . Center where a few people were doing laps . He had found an ID on the sidewalk at the beginning of the term and kept it . There wasn 't a picture on it , and it was all the identification you needed to get in . Sometimes he 'd go take a sauna and a shower before going home . Luke walked over to the edge of the indoor track and pretended to be stretching . Then he reached down and tied his shoes . There were a couple of attractive girls going around the track . He watched the blonde bouncing each time her feet hit the carpet . Sometimes he wondered what would happen if he brought jogging shoes and started going around the track himself . He imagined conversations he 'd have with the coeds doing laps . ' ' Sure , ' ' he 'd say . ' ' Why don 't you come over and check out the new Corvette I got in this morning . We could take a little spin down to the Arch , go to a nice restaurant , then drive down to listen to some jazz along the river on one of the old steamboats , " he 'd say . He 'd have to think of some excuse to tell Patty though . He didn 't have any reason to go out of town . The one excuse he planned if he ever did go jogging was to say a guy had come in with a great deal on a car in Chicago and that he was going to have to drive there that night to pick it up . He 'd say the guy had shown him pictures of it and everything ; there was just no other way of bringing it to St . Louis unless he went to get it . Then he 'd say that after he saw it , it turned out to be a dog . Luke went to the counter and got a towel , leaving his wallet and keys at the desk . A good - looking red head was working . He walked into the locker room . It smelled like ammonia or bleach , as if they 'd just cleaned the floor . He stepped into the shower , then opened up the door to the steam room : hot air clouded out . They kept the temperature high , but that was the way he liked it . There was an older guy sitting inside . Probably a professor , he thought . " Congratulations , " Luke said , but he was glad when the old guy left . He didn 't want to be in the steam room with someone who might keel over . He didn 't think janitors were supposed to be using the facilities anyway . Luke figured he was probably sneaking in , that he hadn 't punched out yet and was stealing a little free time . Luke moved to a higher bench . The steam was rolling . After a couple of minutes he couldn 't see a thing . Sweat was flowing from every pore , mak ­ ing his head light . He thought of a carnival he and Jack went to years ago when he was about twelve years old . It came flooding back to him : the popcorn - faced people , the cotton candy , the big moon - like eyes of the children , the smell of manure and gasoline and straw ; the shouts of the carnies hawking from the booths : shooting games , dunking games , throwing games . As he sat in the sauna he felt the steam of the calliope blasting out a tune that must have been seared into his brain , he remembered it so well . He could see stuffed animals hanging from the booths , giraffes , elephants , giant pandas , and green and yellow parrots ; he and Jack waltzing through it all , spending their quarters trying to win cigarettes , tossing plastic hoops onto pop - bottles . Then there was the tent with the big line of men standing waiting to get in ; he and Jack ditched around back , Jack sliding in first . Then Luke bent down , feeling the slick wet grass on his arms . He got on his back , lifted up the tent flap and passed through , and when he opened his eyes he was in a forest of legs and black shoes , like crocodiles , stomping cigarette butts , and above their heads was smoke , drift ­ ing to the overhead lights that pointed at the stage . An odd music was snaking out from behind the curtain like something that might 've come from Egypt , the whole room fidgety , shifting with men . He and Jack pushed their way up . It got quiet . A woman in a white gown stepped out with bright yellow hair . She had a black mole on her cheek and blue eyes that looked like turquoise stones had been plugged in her face . Around her neck was a feathery thing slung to the floor . When it dropped , the gown slid off . She was bulgy and white , a dangly gold cloth covering her top , and she strutted across the stage , turning this way and that , throwing her hands one way , then the other as the men began chanting " off with it , off with it till the room was a roar ; the woman beaming , contorting her white fat rolls , then the gold thing went , showing the tits , big as squash , hanging to her mid ­ dle , with two red nipples , large as apples , blazing to the crowd . She sat on a chair , slipped off her panties , and showed a yellow bush . Her white legs slowly scissored apart , revealing a pink mouth that opened below the yellow patch , and the crowd hushed . Luke and Jack could feel their insides moving out . They trembled on their legs . They were scrunched together from the shoving in the room , and for a moment it was as if they were one person instead of two . They never told their parents . On the way back home they walked silently with the secret between them . They felt they would always carry it , that it would somehow bind them together eternally . Luke brushed the sweat off his stomach and felt his head with his palm . He was burning from the steam ; he slowly rose to his feet and opened the door . The hot air swarmed over the cool , as he stuck his hand on the linoleum wall to steady himself . He flipped on the shower : cold water gushing out . Then when he turned it off , it was quiet . The sound of the metal locker opening echoed through the empty halls . He put his clothes on and walked to the mir ­ ror . His face was as red as the old janitor 's had been . He combed his hair back , showing a receding hairline , then he pushed it back down over his fore ­ head . After he dressed , he walked to the counter to get his things . A new girl was working who wore her dark hair tied back with a bow . When he got out of the building the sun was low and the wind had picked up , making the air even colder . He walked to his car and fumbled in his pocket for the keys . The car backfired a couple of times as he turned the key , then it began purring , blue smoke billowing out from the tail - pipe , clouding over the cobblestones . He couldn 't get the music of the calliope out of his head , so he turned on the radio . He wondered what made him think of all the things he thought of . Sometimes he wondered if he wasn 't crazy . A group of bundled up girls walked by , talking and laughing , then they disappeared . Luke put the car in gear and pulled out as the light turned red . When he got to the corner , he saw his brother 's white T - bird across from him , waiting in the other lane . Jack was concentrating on the light . Luke turned his head the other way . When the signal changed , he heard Jacks car honk at him , hut he pretended he didn 't hear it and kept looking toward the right . Now he 'd have to think of something to say to him the next time they were together , he thought as he got onto the highway . He 'd make something up about an assistant professor in the English department who 'd been thinking of buying his car , but couldn 't make it to the lot that day to look at it , so Luke brought it over for him to see . The radio was turned up so loud , Luke hadn 't heard his brother honking at him at the light . He had no idea Jack was even on campus that day , he 'd tell him : if he had , he would 've stopped by the office to say hi . The cars hadn 't been moving too good . It was a lousy year . It usually didn 't get this cold in Missouri , but one of those odd fronts had moved in , making it miserable . Luke turned out the lights to his office . He pulled the plug on the neon sign that hung across the lot . He didn 't feel like going home yet . He hated closing shop early , but there was no sense staying open when you knew no one was going to buy . He was down , but at least he wasn 't as pathetic as his some of the other members of his family , like his brother Tommy . He was better off than his sister Kathy ; Jim was a little more financially secure , but he married money , which didn 't count . Jack was the one you could say had made it : forty thousand a year plus , and he didn 't have to do a lick of real work to get it . All he did was give guitar lessons over at the university , make an album or two a year , and travel around to exotic places doing gigs . A hard fucking life . When Luke first got into the used car business it was a boom . He thought Jack was crazy going to college , and crazy for practicing guitar all those years , day and day out , but now he saw he 'd had a point . Jack would probably become the president of the damned university before he was fin ­ ished , Luke thought . He always acted so smooth , Jack did , like he was float ­ ing on air . And he never had to get his hands dirty . Luke decided to drive around town a while . At least the heater in his car worked . Sometimes he liked going over to the university to watch the students . He looked young for his age ; most people thought he was a student . It was hard to believe he was twenty - nine years old with three kids and a wife . The kids were still in grade school , aged eleven to six . Patty worked at the Savings and Loan then picked them up after school . He was never sure what his hours were going to be . If it was a good day he might stay till nine or ten o ' clock . But if it looked like nothing was moving , he 'd take off early . He knew from experience that if they weren 't buying , there was nothing you could do about it . He never went home before six though . He didn 't want her thinking he was goofing off . When he got to the university he parked his car and put on his cap and gloves . Students were walking around , going to classes . He went over to the University Center and bought a newspaper and a cup of coffee . The girl at the cash register was pretty . She gave him a big smile as she dropped the change into his hand . If only he was about twenty - two , he thought . When his father had found out Patty was pregnant , there was no decision to be made . Two weeks later they were married : the biggest wedding the First Christian Church ever put on , and when the baby came , it was officially premature . It was the right thing to do , getting married . He never really doubted it . He still believed in God , even though he didn 't go to church anymore . His father still tried to get him to attend though . " Didn 't see you and Patty at service Sunday , " he 'd always say , no matter how long it 'd been since they 'd talked to each other . Luke would usually just shake his head . " We 'll try and make it next Sunday , Dad , ' ' he 'd say , but they never did . Sometimes he thought he should go , to set an example for his kids , but the neighbors took them to Sunday school every week , so they were getting some religion , and Patty was always too tired to go anyway . If she would , he would , but she was lazy the mornings she didn 't have to go to work . After he finished the coffee he walked around campus . His brother 's build ­ ing was there , and he passed it , imagining Jack in front of a classroom , talking to the students . The good - looking coeds probably all had crushes on him . Most of the windows had the shades drawn . In the few that were open he didn 't see anyone that looked like his brother . In all the times he 'd been to the univer ­ sity he 'd never stopped to say hello to Jack . He didn 't even know where his office was ; he just had the building right . You couldn 't miss it with the big Music Building on the side . Luke walked for about an hour . Most of the classes were letting out for the day . He stepped inside the new Rec . Center where a few people were doing laps . He had found an ID on the sidewalk at the beginning of the term and kept it . There wasn 't a picture on it , and it was all the identification you needed to get in . Sometimes he 'd go take a sauna and a shower before going home . Luke walked over to the edge of the indoor track and pretended to be stretching . Then he reached down and tied his shoes . There were a couple of attractive girls going around the track . He watched the blonde bouncing each time her feet hit the carpet . Sometimes he wondered what would happen if he brought jogging shoes and started going around the track himself . He imagined conversations he 'd have with the coeds doing laps . ' ' Sure , ' ' he 'd say . ' ' Why don 't you come over and check out the new Corvette I got in this morning . We could take a little spin down to the Arch , go to a nice restaurant , then drive down to listen to some jazz along the river on one of the old steamboats , " he 'd say . He 'd have to think of some excuse to tell Patty though . He didn 't have any reason to go out of town . The one excuse he planned if he ever did go jogging was to say a guy had come in with a great deal on a car in Chicago and that he was going to have to drive there that night to pick it up . He 'd say the guy had shown him pictures of it and everything ; there was just no other way of bringing it to St . Louis unless he went to get it . Then he 'd say that after he saw it , it turned out to be a dog . Luke went to the counter and got a towel , leaving his wallet and keys at the desk . A good - looking red head was working . He walked into the locker room . It smelled like ammonia or bleach , as if they 'd just cleaned the floor . He stepped into the shower , then opened up the door to the steam room : hot air clouded out . They kept the temperature high , but that was the way he liked it . There was an older guy sitting inside . Probably a professor , he thought . " Congratulations , " Luke said , but he was glad when the old guy left . He didn 't want to be in the steam room with someone who might keel over . He didn 't think janitors were supposed to be using the facilities anyway . Luke figured he was probably sneaking in , that he hadn 't punched out yet and was stealing a little free time . Luke moved to a higher bench . The steam was rolling . After a couple of minutes he couldn 't see a thing . Sweat was flowing from every pore , mak ­ ing his head light . He thought of a carnival he and Jack went to years ago when he was about twelve years old . It came flooding back to him : the popcorn - faced people , the cotton candy , the big moon - like eyes of the children , the smell of manure and gasoline and straw ; the shouts of the carnies hawking from the booths : shooting games , dunking games , throwing games . As he sat in the sauna he felt the steam of the calliope blasting out a tune that must have been seared into his brain , he remembered it so well . He could see stuffed animals hanging from the booths , giraffes , elephants , giant pandas , and green and yellow parrots ; he and Jack waltzing through it all , spending their quarters trying to win cigarettes , tossing plastic hoops onto pop - bottles . Then there was the tent with the big line of men standing waiting to get in ; he and Jack ditched around back , Jack sliding in first . Then Luke bent down , feeling the slick wet grass on his arms . He got on his back , lifted up the tent flap and passed through , and when he opened his eyes he was in a forest of legs and black shoes , like crocodiles , stomping cigarette butts , and above their heads was smoke , drift ­ ing to the overhead lights that pointed at the stage . An odd music was snaking out from behind the curtain like something that might 've come from Egypt , the whole room fidgety , shifting with men . He and Jack pushed their way up . It got quiet . A woman in a white gown stepped out with bright yellow hair . She had a black mole on her cheek and blue eyes that looked like turquoise stones had been plugged in her face . Around her neck was a feathery thing slung to the floor . When it dropped , the gown slid off . She was bulgy and white , a dangly gold cloth covering her top , and she strutted across the stage , turning this way and that , throwing her hands one way , then the other as the men began chanting " off with it , off with it till the room was a roar ; the woman beaming , contorting her white fat rolls , then the gold thing went , showing the tits , big as squash , hanging to her mid ­ dle , with two red nipples , large as apples , blazing to the crowd . She sat on a chair , slipped off her panties , and showed a yellow bush . Her white legs slowly scissored apart , revealing a pink mouth that opened below the yellow patch , and the crowd hushed . Luke and Jack could feel their insides moving out . They trembled on their legs . They were scrunched together from the shoving in the room , and for a moment it was as if they were one person instead of two . They never told their parents . On the way back home they walked silently with the secret between them . They felt they would always carry it , that it would somehow bind them together eternally . Luke brushed the sweat off his stomach and felt his head with his palm . He was burning from the steam ; he slowly rose to his feet and opened the door . The hot air swarmed over the cool , as he stuck his hand on the linoleum wall to steady himself . He flipped on the shower : cold water gushing out . Then when he turned it off , it was quiet . The sound of the metal locker opening echoed through the empty halls . He put his clothes on and walked to the mir ­ ror . His face was as red as the old janitor 's had been . He combed his hair back , showing a receding hairline , then he pushed it back down over his fore ­ head . After he dressed , he walked to the counter to get his things . A new girl was working who wore her dark hair tied back with a bow . When he got out of the building the sun was low and the wind had picked up , making the air even colder . He walked to his car and fumbled in his pocket for the keys . The car backfired a couple of times as he turned the key , then it began purring , blue smoke billowing out from the tail - pipe , clouding over the cobblestones . He couldn 't get the music of the calliope out of his head , so he turned on the radio . He wondered what made him think of all the things he thought of . Sometimes he wondered if he wasn 't crazy . A group of bundled up girls walked by , talking and laughing , then they disappeared . Luke put the car in gear and pulled out as the light turned red . When he got to the corner , he saw his brother 's white T - bird across from him , waiting in the other lane . Jack was concentrating on the light . Luke turned his head the other way . When the signal changed , he heard Jacks car honk at him , hut he pretended he didn 't hear it and kept looking toward the right . Now he 'd have to think of something to say to him the next time they were together , he thought as he got onto the highway . He 'd make something up about an assistant professor in the English department who 'd been thinking of buying his car , but couldn 't make it to the lot that day to look at it , so Luke brought it over for him to see . The radio was turned up so loud , Luke hadn 't heard his brother honking at him at the light . He had no idea Jack was even on campus that day , he 'd tell him : if he had , he would 've stopped by the office to say hi .