I don 't believe in regrets . This life , good , bad and ugly is my story . There 's no shame here . Just life lived - boldly . . . ( Copyright © 2004 - 2016 ) All Rights Reserved . Warning : Some adult content Home This work is licensed under a All material on this blog is protected by copyright . No copying or reproduction is allowed without the permission of the blog author . Linking to my site is appreciated . Thank you . I thought about this today as I was visiting Ally . She left to pick up something at the store , and there I was left alone in her apartment with her boyfriend . I couldn 't believe she didn 't tell me she was leaving , but I knew why , she 's fully aware that I do not like her man , and for some reason , cannot accept it . She wants us to spend time together , bond , and be friends . I think he 's a creep . I don 't like the way he looks at me . I don 't like the things he says to me . And when he touches me , I don 't like the way it feels . I do not like the way his hands linger , the way he 'll sometimes come up behind me and squeezes my shoulder , the way he purposefully presses against me when he passes me . While she was gone , I was sitting on the couch watching TV and ignoring her boyfriend . He was sitting in a chair to the left of me , watching me . He decided to break the silence , " I heard that you got new boobs , " " They 're very nice , " he said again , staring at my chest . I became aware of my nipples straining against my t - shirt . " Stop talking to me . And stop looking at me like that , " I said . " You 're a beautiful woman , " " I don 't like you . " I said . " You 're a creep . You 're very disrespectful . You 're the kind of guy who will have no qualms fucking A 's friends if they let you . I can 't wait for her to come to her senses and leave you . You are sick , " Half an hour later , Ally called wanting to know why I left . " I don 't like your man , " I said . " I just don 't like him , Ally . He is no good for you . You need to leave him " I explained why I didn 't like him again , but she didn 't get it . She said I was overreacting ; he would never do something like that . That I misunderstand him . She accused me of wearing a tight t - shirt knowing damn well that my breasts draw attention . " He looks , Kitten . " He is a man , " I didn 't argue with her . I went home and told B about him . B said , " Kitten , I strongly believe that it 's never a good idea for women or men to allow their friends to get too close to their partner . I like my boys , but I wouldn 't trust them around you . " " You can bring your girlfriends around me . I wouldn 't touch them , but you should never trust your man with your girlfriends , " Soundsd like Jerry Springer shit to me . But I also know that something is up with A 's man . Friday , 29 April 2005 | Permalink B couldn 't just let go of what happened in the restaurant . He wanted to talk about it and tell me everything about what he did . He said he didn 't want there to be any surprises . He talked about his swinging partners , the thrill and excitement and freedom of having wild , carefree sex with all these women on a weekly basis and if not weekly , every other weekend . He talked candidly about taking a woman to a club and when propositioned for her , gave her away without a second thought . He watched her with other men and he felt nothing . In turn , he took someone else 's woman . " It was just sex , " he said . " But Kitten , it not just sex , " And he talked about going home with his woman who had been had by several men and getting into bed with her as if nothing had happened . He also talked about the downside . The thrill , he said has never lasted for very long . Most of the women did it for the experience at first , but they didn 't want it to be a lifestyle . For him , it was a lifestyle and he didn 't always know that some of his women didn 't really want to do it , but would go along with it because they felt it was what HE wanted , and that to keep him , they became whores for him . He had traded the woman we ran into for a man 's wife . But the man , after the thrill of the night wore off , was devastated , and filled with regret . He could not handle the fact that B had been with his wife , and it got really nasty . I wasn 't surprised . The only Swing - club I 've ever been to is the one in Holland . I 'm no expert on what goes on in these places , but I saw enough when I was there . The lure is strong . I was seduced by the openness and the freedom . I knew also that if it did happen , B and I would never recover . I would 've been like that man who gave his wife away and later regretted it . How does someone watch the person they care about get fucked by someone else and not go insane ? As he talked , I couldn 't help wondering about the women who went along just to please him . I did not understand the difficulty in saying " I do not want to do this . I 'm not going to whore myself for you . And if I have to slut myself to keep you , then I don 't want you , " From the moment B revealed to me that he used to swing , I made it clear that having sex with other men and watching him screw other women was NOT going to happen in our relationship . And if he were looking for a woman to swing with , he was in the wrong relationship . I said that to him then and even though my feelings have grown tremendously since then , I can and would say it to him now with the same conviction . I don 't understand the things that some women will do to keep a man . There isn 't a man on this planet that I would want to keep so badly that I would commit such sacrifice . I don 't do shit like that . I come first . B and I are planning another trip . And yes , there will be a lot of nakedness and sexual exploration involved . And I 'm sure that we will continue to visit swing - clubs . But I know that this is not a game . It 's easy to take leave of one 's senses in places such as these . I learned this the first time . B and I have talked extensively about all of it . We know that there has to be limits . We can and will have sex among others , but we will not be with anyone else . Tuesday , 26 April 2005 | Permalink Last night while B and I were out to dinner , a woman from B 's past spotted him and just had to come over and say hello , which is perfectly fine with me . But she wasn 't just an ex . She is an ex with whom he used to swing and the woman dared to want to reminisce about their swinging days right in front of me . It 's not enough that I had to look at her and had images of them together . B was pissed . " This is my girlfriend , " he said calmly but firmly . She knows about my past , but I would appreciate it if you 'd show her some respect . This is not an appropriate conversation to have right now , " He did not look at me for a few minutes after she left . I stared at him . " I 'm sorry , Kitten , " he said . I know that that was uncomfortable for you , " " This may not be the last time we run into someone from my past . There were three swing - cubs around when I was swinging , and I was well known in all of them . I 've slept with a lot of women , Kitten . Most if I pass them on the street I would not recognize them , but who 's to say they wouldn 't recognize me ? " Telling our man / woman that we adore them is not enough . It 's important to show them . Yesterday B and I had an amazing afternoon naked session on the floor in my dining room . For the past couple days we 've been too busy to connect , and so he called me up and told me that he was on his way over , he didn 't care if I were busy , he 's busy too , but he needs sex and no woman of his should go days without getting sexually satisfied . Being the good woman that I am , I opened the door with full intention to give myself away . I threw my arms around him . He hugged me back and kissed me hello while peeling the small tank top over my head . He kissed my lips , my neck , my breasts , fell to his knees , and kissed my belly button while peeling the skirt from my hips . I knew it would be a quickie . I was not close to being finished when he came , nor was I ready for him go when he took his body from mine and jumped into the shower . While he was in the shower , I got up to check my email and saw a pop - up of a rose ad about mothers day . I don 't know what made me do it , I am not lovey dovey in that way . I do not do mushy , but I printed the rose and sat back on the floor to cut it out . I wrote : To : B , Fr : Kitten on it and when he came out , I handed it to him . " This is for you , " I said . He looked down at me on floor in the spot where he 'd left me . I was sitting shamelessly with my legs spread and still wet with him . My tits were hard and begging him to come back to me , handing him a paper rose . What was that I saw on his face . . . the expression of a man near tears ? He fell to his knees and pulled me to him so tightly my body protest from pain . " Kitten , " he said . " You have no idea how easy it is to fall in love with you . And you have no idea how nice a gesture you just made , " A single tear rolled down his face . B is not an irrational man . If he were , we would not be together . I understand that he 's curious about my site . That 's quite normal . But I 'm under no obligation to show it to him and he would be out of place to demand to see it . This blogging site is no different than if I were keeping a written diary . These are MY thoughts and emotions , and I do not have to share them with him if I don 't want to . I didn 't need to say all that to B . I simply explained when he asked to see it again , that I would like it very much if he understood that this is something that 's just for me , and I want him to respect that . I explained why I started it , how much it has helped me , and how much it means to me that he not invade this space . That 's all I needed to say . He understood and respects it . I 'm not only open with B sexually . I 'm emotionally raw , that 's my personality . Anyone who comes into my life gets to experience me fully . I don 't know any other way . B has learned to be ready to hear what I have to say . I do not know how NOT to speak my mind . When I love , there is no mistaking it . It 's searing and consuming . " I made no such agreement . But this is not really a secret . It 's a place where I pour my heart and soul and connect with people who do not know me . " " I do every time I kiss you and touch you . Every time I smile up at you . Every time I wrap myself around you and hold you deep inside me , " I went to him on my knees . I unzipped his pants with my teeth and got on my knees . When he was done pulsating I kissed him and smiled . Allan and I were talking about the men and women with whom we 've had relationships . We talk especially about the ones who were really bad for us . We reminisced about his relationship with Paula . Paula treated him like dirt . She was verbally abusive and controlling . He could not do anything right in her eyes and she made sure that he knew exactly what she thought of him , and what better place to do it than in the company of their family , friends , and co - workers . But he loved her . While they were still dating , Paula went off and married someone else without telling him . But he kept going back to her . Whenever she called , he went running . The more he went back , the worse she treated him . After many years of make - ups and break - ups , he finally got it . One day he cursed her out and never looked back . I didn 't understand why Allan couldn 't dump her and neither could he , until many years later . Allan said he was able to leave her because the crap inside that he needed her to feed didn 't need to be fed anymore . He allowed her to treat him like dirt because he didn 't think much more of himself . For a long time , I attracted men who weren 't good for me . Crazy - X ( CX ) has been the biggest mystery in my life . I 'm not sure why I was drawn to him . I 'm not sure why even now , I 'm a bit drawn to him . I don 't want to have sex with him . I want to figure him out and that is a dangerous lure in and of itself . I now know that the best thing that I can do for myself is stay away from him . I know that he 's evil and twisted . When I became pregnant our relationship became even more twisted . We fed off each other . And I believe that he was feeding a need in me as much as I was feeding a need in him . But what need ? I 'm still not sure . But it had to be there . Why else would I have stayed with a man who I knew was bad for me and would lead me into the bowels of hell ? I had an insanely intense desire catch him . I knew that he would fall . I wanted to save him . I knew that he was destroying himself . I also knew that if I didn 't let go , he would take me with him . What was it about me that needed someone like him in my life I 'm still pondering that question . I remembered the day I got rid of him and knew that I would never take him back . I woke up early one morning to clean out all of his belongings from my personal space . I put them in a bag and left them in my garage . I felt as if something inside me had been set free . What ? I still don 't know . I went back to bed and I slept with a smile on my face . The first call made that morning was to tell him to come and pick up his shit . He stare at me and smiled . " You can 't honestly think that we 'll ever be over . We 're soul mates , " he said . I never looked back and he 's still punishing me . And sometimes , sometimes , I find myself wishing that I could help him . But I know that I can 't . Some drowning men cannot be saved . They will take you under with them . When B and I had our " Red lipstick " fight weeks ago , to say that I was pissed and hurt is an understatement . I told myself that I would never talk to him again . We were only apart for three days , but one night more out of being pissed and wanting to show him how easily I could replace him , I signed up on a dating site . My email has been full every day ever since . I 've received close to 1700 messages so far . I don 't know if that 's a lot , but it seems like a lot to me . Certainly , if I dated all of these men , I would find at least one , with whom I would connect . Right ? When B and I got back together , I tried to cancel my membership and get my money back . I cancelled but there 's a no refund policy , and until my paid period is up , my profile will remain running . Today as I was deleting messages , I started wondering about all the people in the world who are looking for love . Online , in bars , at the park , the country club , gym and countless other places . . . if there are all these people looking for love , why are there so many lonely men and women in the world ? Life with B is fun and easy . It 's full of beautiful moments . We spend so much time in the bedroom that sometimes I forget what he 's like outside of it . Even though we 've been dating for almost eight months , being with him still feels brand new . We talked little . We held hands and kissed alot . Afterward we went back to his place , made love and showered together . I went to find something to wear and found some of my things neatly folded on a shelf in his closet . Things that I had left behind . " I mate all the time , " I told him . " Yes you do , but you don 't allow yourself to trust . You take men to bed and you devour them . But that 's your only release from the rigid role that you 've taken upon yourself . You function as if you 're a one woman army , and you need to cut it out , " " When all is said and done , we 're all a one man / woman army . Life is about the survival of the fittest , isn 't it ? " I asked . " No it 's not . Life is about sharing and caring for one another . It 's about being strong and vulnerable and trusting that whether you 're strong or vulnerable , you 're going to be all right . Life is about being hurt and knowing that you can heal from those hurts . It 's about trusting that you can lean on me because I 'm not going any where , " Ever since B turned me on to Brazillian Waxing , I 've been hooked . But last week something came up , and I missed my appointment . Now I have little sprouts of hair . When he talks about having a baby , he talks about getting married and having a baby . I just don 't mention the getting married part because as adamant as I am about not having any more children , I 'm more so about not getting married again . What B is offering me , is a way of life that I 've given up . What 's different about this relationship though is that as early as two years ago , the men who offered me marriage and children found themselves coughing in my dust as I run the hell away never to be seen or heard from again . But with B I find that I can 't run even though I think that I should . I have an inkling that If I do run , I 'm going to find my ass coming right back . I 've been breaking my own rules . My heart is not as cold as it was eight years ago , or even two years ago . I am cognizant of the changes that I 'm going through and I question them , believe me , I question them . Coming here and ranting and raving has truly been therapeutic for me . This is my 409th post , and just like this blog , I am a work in progress . I do believe that I 'm heading in the right direction . Thank you all for listening and sharing your own stories with me all these years . With Benjamin asking for a " real " relationship and another baby . All these things are coming back . I don 't blame CX for ruining my business . I blame myself . I made a choice . I would make the same choice again . Part of being an adult is being able to make tough decisions . And I 'm ok with it . After many months of tests , it was concluded that Caesar would be all right . The blood disorder is not serious and would not affect him at all . I breathed again . And went about trying to piece my professional life together . I 'm not one to sit and cry over spilled milk . I 'm all about opening new doors . And that 's what I did . I started a new business . I did not make a penny for more than two years . In the meantime , CX was having difficulty handling military life . When he called to complain , I showed no mercy . I told him that he signed up for war . Deal the fuck with the consequences . It not as if he didn 't know what was involve . He served before . He took me to court claiming that I was keeping him from his son and wanted the court to order me to be available for him to converse with Caesar who couldn 't speak at the time from 8am - 8pm Monday - Fridays . He hated me for not recognizing how brave he was for signing up . I had my own battle going on at home . The boys were my focus and trying to rebuild a life on my own . When he came back , he continued taking me to court with one ridiculous claim after another . He accused a friend of mine who is a police officer of trying to kill him and Caesar . He accused me of breaking into his house even though I avoid him like the plague ( I thought he was the plague ) and wouldn 't go anywhere near him . Every time things would spin out of control , he would calm down and ask for peace and then he would start it up again . I never know when he 's going to start something . I walk on eggshells around him . The most innocent comment would get twisted into something ugly and poisonous and start an all out war . I went through this with him every few months . When it 's good with him , it 's good . When it 's bad , it 's hell on earth . That 's how we lived . . . on the edge of destruction at the mercy of his insanity . He 's acting up right now . He recently paid for work to be done on my car , and we arranged for me to repay him by paying his portion of daycare expense that amounted to more than the cost of the car . He waited for me to pay for the daycare and then he demanded that I still repay him for the car ? When I asked about the arrangement , he said he didn 't care about the arrangement . He wanted the money for the car . I told him that he had to write me a check then for the daycare . He said no , and that I was trying to steal his money . He went out and filed an amendment to our custody agreement . He 's asking the court to relieve him of the responsibility to share daycare expenses . He will call me up and pick a fight and then accuse me of being confrontational if I dare to defend myself . If I disagree with him , he calls me hostile and dangerous and would go about and smear my name to any and everyone who would listen to him . Beside hello and goodbye when we drop off Caesar , I 've chosen not to be around him at all . I 'm in a no win situation this psychopathic fucker . I am seriously afraid to get involve with someone like that again . Babies are binding . If I could erase dead - beat and CX from my life I would . But I can 't . So as I watch Benjamin sleeping , I realized that we were at different places in our lives . We may like each other a lot , but we 're still at different places . I 'm not saying that he 's going to be just like the others . I would like to think that I 've grown in that department and will now make better choices when choosing someone with whom to father a child . I have no bad censors going off around Benjamin . In fact , I was watching him with the boys the other day , and he 's great with them . I feel nothing but good things inside . Still , I don 't want any more children . What am I doing dragging it out ? I 'm dragging it out because I feel for him . He makes me feel good even when he 's not with me . I love the way I miss him . I love whatever it is that I have with him . It is purely an emotional decision . Logic tells me that it is time to call it a day . But I climb back into bed and curl up to him . He threw his arms around me , squeezed me tightly , and plants tiny kisses on the back of my neck . Saturday , 09 April 2005 | Permalink I know this will continue to come up as long as we remain together . It came up last night . One leg slung carelessly across him , pressed against his thigh - and my head on his shoulder . " Kitten , " he said . " It would make me so very happy if you and the boys would move in with me . And I hope you change your mind and give me a child , " I didn 't say anything . I snuggled closer . I got up after he fell asleep and sat in a chair by the window watching him . It was time to leave . I was certain that I don 't want another child . I already have two by two of the worst men I 've ever dated . If that 's not enough crap to deal with , what would be ? I 've already written about my ex - husband the dead - beat . Well my second baby daddy is Crazy - X ( CX ) I 've written about him in the past . He 's the lawyer with a PhD and he 's one of the most twisted and psychologically damaged man I have ever met . I 'm convinced that he has an undiagnosed mental condition . He 's the one who underwent three penis enlargement surgeries he didn 't need in one year and tried to kill me when I broke up with him . And he is the one who dragged me through a hellish court battle for custody of our son because I filed for child support . I am convinced that he does not even want custody . He just wanted to put me through hell because I will not go back to him . Like our past , our present , and I 'm sure our future will be filled with unthinkable drama . He is a danger to me . I feel it every time I am around him . There is a darkness in him just below the surface of his skin . It comes through in his eyes . Like I said , I 'm convinced that he has an undiagnosed mental condition . Every few months he goes nuts on me . I never see it coming . And I have no idea how to stop it . My relationship with CX started as a sordid affair . He was just supposed to have been a summer fling , and my very first casual relationship . CX was my breakout . The release of the bad girl within - every bad girl needs a bad boy , or so I thought . And he was very , very bad . He didn 't seem to give a shit about me and I loved that . He fucked me like a naughty wench and it was exciting , at FIRST . But that soon changed when I realized that he gets a thrill out of treating me badly and it did not end in the bedroom . I soon realized it wasn 't just me . CX just did not respect women . I may like sex little rough , abuse is whole different matter . And he was abusive . He derived satisfaction from my pain . This was strange to me . He didn 't seem to give a shit about me and I loved that . He fucked me like a naughty wench and it was exciting , at FIRST . But that soon changed when I realized that he gets a thrill out of treating me badly and it did not end in the bedroom . I soon realized it wasn 't just me . CX just did not respect women . I may like sex little rough , abuse is whole different matter . And he was abusive . He derived satisfaction from my pain . This was strange to me . If I didn 't call him , he didn 't call me . I loved that . I told him that I had no intention of pursuing a relationship with him . He said that he did not want anything from me either . But somewhere along the way , he fell in love with me and I liked him a hell of a lot better than I 'd intended . Then I got pregnant even though I was on birth control . It just happened that I was taking a medication that decreases the effectiveness of the birth control pills . A summer fling ? Ha ! I didn 't want to be pregnant . My first son was eight years old . But I did it again , and my god , I have the most amazing child in the world . CX and I tried at a relationship but it didn 't work . Trying to have a relationship with a nut is a delusion . He would accuse me of the strangest things : admiring men I hadn 't even looked at - called me racist against my own people ( whatever that meant ) because I dated outside of my race and because my ex - husband is white . He went around preaching to anyone who would listen just how horrible I was . He hired a private detective to follow me , and crashed a lunch date with a business client accusing me of fucking around on him . There was nothing that I could do or say to convince him that he was wrong . He told the most horrendous lies about me . He terrorized me . Had me running for my life . Threatened me . There were days I was afraid to leave the house . He had me cornered and terrified . The sordid affair wasn 't so sordid anymore . It was hell . When Caesar was two months old , CX took a sabbatical at a college in New York for a year . In the meantime , I was left raising the two boys on my own . My business was affected . With all the demands on me , I was constantly failing to meet my deadlines . Thorr was in school and Caesar was in daycare , but I still didn 't have enough time . I returned advance payments I 'd received and chose to break my contracts with the intent to renew at such and such time . I didn 't want to continue coming up short and ruining my reputation . I took a year off waiting for CX to return from New York . In such time , I planned to renew my contracts with people who would still work with me . CX knew that I was counting on him coming back to revive my business . We talked about it constantly . He works two days a week and would be able to help out a lot with Caesar . The closer it came to CX returning , I started renewing my contracts . Everything was going well . Then … about a week before CX was supposed to be back . And I 'd worked my ass off to get my old contracts back . CX called me and told me that he wasn 't coming home but that he 'd signed up to go to Iraq and was scheduled for deployment in a few days . CX at the time was a 42 - year - old lawyer with a PhD . Why would he sign up to go to Iraq ? No one knew . Not even him . He said he wanted to go and kill . He loved war . He said something about being a man . I ranted and raved . I explained to him what would happen to my business if I broke my contracts again . I 'd lose everything . I 'd be ruined . He said he couldn 't get out and even if he could , he wouldn 't . I broke up with him . Around the same time I found out that Caesar had a blood disorder that CX also has , but just didn 't bother to mention . All kinds of tests were being done on Caesar . I wanted to spend every second of my time with him . I broke my contracts again and spent my time taking Caesar from one doctor appointment to another . I was devastated and did not spend much time thinking about deadlines . It was all about Caesar . I 'd saved up a substantial amount of money and even though the men weren 't taking responsibility and do the right thing we weren 't starving . Plus I had the house . Sitting in a hospital room time and time again with Caesar and uncertainty on my lap was the most helpless feeling I 'd ever experienced . I learned a lot about being silent and calm when I wanted to scream . I learned that for single parents everywhere , man or woman , being alone like this is the loneliest place to be . I lost the business I 'd spent the last 8 years building … the one that saved me from starvation when I was young and abandoned by my ex - husband to raise Thorr on my own . To be continued . DISCLAIMERThe purpose of this website is to document my life story . The stories told of CX are based on true events . However , names have been changed to protect our identity .