This morning I was headed into my room to grab some clothes and Donny woke up . He looked at me and said hello . I asked him to take some lactulose and he agreed . After that he just kept saying hello over and over again . After about 5 minutes he went back to sleep . I decided that he 'd be okay for a bit and I went to church . Church had ended and we were all standing around talking when my cell phone rang . My battery chose that moment to die so I didn 't get the call . Then my friend 's phone rang , and I knew . My mom was calling to let me know that Donny was sitting in the living room with his pants down and he didn 't seem to know anybody . So I went home . After much hard work I got Donny in the car . This was after he tried to simply walk through my frail , elderly aunt . My mom helped me get all Donny 's stuff out to the car and made sure that I had some form of money on me . Then we were off to the hospital . What does it say when ER staff members recognize you ? Especially when one of them is the head security guard . I know he recognized me since he talked with me about what happened last time and the fact that security might get called again . The nice thing was that he helped me keep an eye on Donny , who felt the need to sit in as many chairs as he could find available . And he almost tried to sit in a couple of chairs that weren 't available . The tech in triage recognized us . He was helping the little blonde nurse that lives on the other coast the last time that we were in . I liked him that time , but I 'm not so sure about this time . He seemed a little to quick to move to force with Donny , but maybe he was having one of those days . Both doctors that we saw recognized us . The ER doc is one that I really like . Come to think of it , I like most of the ER docs there . He was as nice as always . Then came the resident . This is the same resident that had me in tears last time . He asked me if I thought that I could get Donny to take his lactulose at home . I could see where this was going , so I told him no . He was really going to try to senPosted by I often feel like a bad wife . I doubt myself and my choices a lot . Right now Donny is sleeping , just like he has all day . He 's refusing to take his lactulose . When he wakes up he tends to be combative . I know where this is heading . But he 's not at the hospital . Why ? Well , that 's where the bad wife part comes in . I have decided to wait and see if I can 't get him to improve here . I 'm fairly certain that he 's not bad enough to be admitted to the hospital yet . There 's nothing that ER can really do to help , so we wait . Tomorrow things might change , but right now it looks like we 'll be headed to the hospital in the morning . All of this is made worse because a friend of my mom 's woke up to find that her husband had died in the night . He was really sick and we knew that this was coming , but we all thought that there would be a few more months . This lady is the one person with whom I 've truly been able to share my journey , since she was walking the same path as me . We 've vented about our husbands together , knowing that we wouldn 't be judged . Through her I discovered that it 's okay to be upset with somebody , even if they are sick . My heart breaks for her . It 's way too easy to imagine what she 's going through . And yet I can 't imagine it at all . To lose your best friend must be a bigger pain than I could ever imagine . Today I got a reminder of why we 're making decisions and arrangements now . It may be morbid , but we 're planning Donny 's funeral now . I don 't want to be faced with all these decisions when I 'm in the worst possible frame of mind to deal with them . I 'm actually looking forward to getting it all done . Once we 've done all that we can to prepare for death we can get on with life . Let me start off by saying that Christmas was wonderful . We had brunch with some close friends of ours , then we had a family day at home . Everybody took a nap , followed by game time . The friends who provided brunch stopped by and we played a game together . After they left we sat around talking and just enjoying being a family . It was nice while it lasted . Yesterday I took Donny to see the GI . This doctor is one who we 've not cared for in the past . I 'm sure he knows his stuff , but he has the personality of a wet rag . The first time that we saw him ( which was about 2 years ago ) Donny walked out of there describing him as House . His personality really does rival Dr . House . The doctor did tell us that if Donny wants to get a liver transplant he has to stop drinking and give up the pain killers . The smoking thing makes sense , but the painkillers just aren 't happening . He has very bad chronic back pain that can 't be fixed . We looked into all the options before the rest of his health got so bad , painkillers are all that can be done . If you think that I 'm going to live with him while he gives up the painkillers and smoking then you 're smoking something . It will be ugly . While the doctor didn 't do much for us , he did spark a conversation about quality of life versus quantity of life . If you 're going to have to live in excruciating pain , do you really want to go on living ? At what point do you say screw it , I 'm just going to enjoy what 's left ? And who should you discuss this with ? Do his daughters , who have very little contact with us , deserve to be a part of this decision ? Do I force the issue of including them ? And do we put it off until the youngest decides to start talking to us again ? I hat the decisions that have to be made . The other thing that this Dr . is doing for ( to ? ) Donny is an endoscopy . Apparently this should have been done a long time ago , since he 's been diagnosed with portal hypertension . I swear , liver disease needs an instruction manual . There are so many things that I don 't know I should be asking about . EPosted by Luke 2 : 1 - 20The Birth of Jesus1In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world . 2 ( This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria . ) 3And everyone went to his own town to register . 4So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea , to Bethlehem the town of David , because he belonged to the house and line of David . 5He went there to register with Mary , who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child . 6While they were there , the time came for the baby to be born , 7and she gave birth to her firstborn , a son . She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger , because there was no room for them in the inn . The Shepherds and the Angels8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby , keeping watch over their flocks at night . 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them , and the glory of the Lord shone around them , and they were terrified . 10But the angel said to them , " Do not be afraid . I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people . 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you ; he is Christ [ a ] the Lord . 12This will be a sign to you : You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger . " 13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel , praising God and saying , 14 " Glory to God in the highest , and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests . " 15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven , the shepherds said to one another , " Let 's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened , which the Lord has told us about . " 16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph , and the baby , who was lying in the manger . 17When they had seen him , they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child , 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them . 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart . 20The shepherds returned , glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heaPosted by What the hell possessed me to make me think that I wanted to bake cookies ? And why on earth would I think that I wanted to make cookie trays for people ? How long could my brain been out of commission for , that I actually bought the ingredients ? My grandma bakes cookies on a scale only rivaled by some of the larger cookie manufacturers . Those little elves in a tree don 't know what baking is . I think it was last week that I mailed off 18 boxes of cookies for her . The week before that it was only four since they were going overseas . And now there are more boxes to be mailed . I think it 's about 16 , but I 'm not sure . All of that should give me a clear idea of what I was undertaking , and I did it anyway . I 'm only doing cookies for 3 or 4 families , so I don 't need as many . I had figured that if I did one kind each day , starting on Wednesday , I 'd have no problems being ready . Ha ! I think it was Tuesday night that I made my sugar cookie dough . It has to be refrigerated , so it didn 't get baked that night . On Wednesday night I made some no bake cookies since I was too tired to do anything else . On Thursday I didn 't get home until late , so nothing got done . Last night I was too tired to attempt anything . This all leads to me having too much baking to do today . This morning I tried to get started , but Donny needed me . So this afternoon I went in and made the truffle dough . Then i baked off sugar cookies while the truffle dough was in the fridge . Then I rolled out truffles . Then I made mocha truffle cookies . Oh wait , somewhere in there I stopped for dinner . All I know is that after 9 hours of baking I 'm still not done . There 's still gooey caramel bars and lacy oatmeal cookies to do . Oh , and one more kind of no - bake cookie . And tomorrow we go see my mother - in - law . Have you ever tried baking while dizzy ? Let me tell you something , it adds a whole new level to the baking . I felt like some dumb drunk . Walking in a straight line is an under appreciated talent . Well , I gotta go to bed now . I 'm hoping that the baking will seem much more maPosted by I went to the doctor today . The bottom number on my blood pressure was a little high . I figure that there 's enough stress in my life that I should be allowed the occasional high reading . All my previous readings have been normal , so one high reading isn 't going to freak me out . I talked to the doctor about the dizziness . He 's going to run some blood tests to make sure that we don 't miss anything , but he seems to suspect that it 's stress related . I 'm hoping that 's all it is . I 'm scared of having something wrong that means missing more work . I don 't like starting a job at the same time that I may end up needing frequent doctor appointments . I go back in a month for results . If anything major shows up in my blood work he 'll call me in before then . I was going to get away with going back in three months , but then he looked at my blood pressure . He wants to check it again in a month just to be sure that it 's nothing . This post comes via Mielikki . It looked like fun , so I decided to play along . If you want to play too please join in . 1 . Wrapping paper or gift bags ? - Depends on how hard it will be to wrap . I prefer using wrapping paper though , it 's more fun to open . 2 . Real or Artificial Tree ? Artificial . My mom 's allergic to real . This time of year sucks for her . 3 . When do you put up the tree ? Normally it goes up the day after Thanksgiving , but this year it was a little later . Last week we finally bought a miniature tree that 's fiber - optic to put on a table in the living room . We just didn 't want to go to the hassle of dragging out the big tree . 4 . When do you take the tree down ? As late as we can get away with . Actually it usually comes down around January 2nd or 3rd . 5 . Do you like eggnog ? I love the stuff , but not with alcohol in it . 6 . Favorite gift received as a child ? The only ones that I can recall was the year of coloring books and crayons . That was all I would ask for , so that 's just about all I got . My mom counted something like 22 coloring books and about 10 different boxes of crayons . Not much variety , but I was thrilled . 7 . Do you have a nativity scene ? Not that I can find , but I know I have one somewhere . 8 . Worst Christmas Gift you ever received ? I can 't think of any truly bad gifts . 9 . Mail or E mail Christmas Cards ? What Christmas cards ? 10 . Favorite Christmas Movie ? - The only one that I 've watched recently is the Polar Express , and only because it 's the only movie that my 2 year old nephew will watch right now . 11 . When do you start shopping for Christmas ? When I have the money . 12 . Favorite thing to eat on Christmas ? Everything . ( I didn 't get fat by being a picky eater . ) 13 . Clear lights or colored ? Colored on the tree , clear outside14 . Favorite Christmas Song ? All the traditional carols and anything by Trans Siberian Orchestra . 15 . Travel at Christmas , or stay home ? Right now it 's stay home , but when I lived away from my parents I would come home for Christmas . 16 . Can you name all of Santa 's reindeer ? Nope , I have bettePosted by Donny finally got over being mad at me , although after today I don 't know if that will still be true . My day was busy . It got off to a great start . Donny and I did fine this morning . My mom took me out to breakfast . And then I went shopping . I got everything I was looking for at the first store that I went to . Go pick up my mom and she takes me out to lunch . I knew that things were going to get a bit hectic when I called my friend that 's doing the tax stuff with me . I needed to let her know that I would be meeting her at our training session instead of having her pick me up at my house . That 's when she reminded me that 's when she reminded me that I was supposed to watch her son for about an hour this morning . I had completely forgotten . She was quick to forgive me and reminded me that I was babysitting tonight . Good thing she reminded me . As I sat waiting for my mom to finish what she was doing so that we could go to lunch I had another dizzy spell . These are getting annoying . It was followed by the trick my eyes play on me where it looks like there 's fog rolling in waves up my eyes . It 's really weird . And then at lunch I got dizzy again . This time it lasted close to half an hour . That 's when mom took the car keys away . After lunch mom dropped me off at our training thing . It was long and rather boring . I was getting sore because the chair I was in was tilted just right that I was fighting to not get dumped in the floor . I would have gotten a different chair , but the next available chair was spoken for by the guy that was sitting on a box . After training I went to my friend 's house to babysit . I know that Donny 's upset that I didn 't tell him in advance that I had this to do , but I had completely forgotten . I had expected to be done in about 3 hours . It took a little over 5 . But that 's okay , we had fun . Have you ever done a gingerbread house with a 2 year old ? Let me tell you something , they 're not that interested . The only reason that he stayed by my side was because I had a steady stream of sugar available . he was liPosted by Donny is pissed at me . He is so pissed at me that he tried to ground me . Now you may not know this , but I can be rather stubborn . When he tried to ground me I laughed at him . To prove that he couldn 't ground me I then went shopping with my mom . ( I still can 't find blouses for work . ) The worst part about this fight is that it 's because I force him to take care of himself . Yesterday I needed to go to the grocery store . Donny said that he 'd go with me . He wanted a soda and he wanted out of the house . This sounded good , so my mom told me to use her money to get him some soda and a thing of Limburger cheese . We got in the car to go and Donny looks at me and says , " Let the fighting begin . Can I have a couple beers ? " My immediate , and rather emphatic , answer was no . I will not let him go down that path again . So he got out of the car and went back in the house . I went in and got dinner ready so that I could go shopping with my mom . I decided to go with our original plan of me fixing dinner and then we 'd go to the grocery store before heading into town . As I was fixing dinner Donny came in and told me that he 'd changed his mind and I was no longer allowed to go shopping with my mom . I ignored him and continued what I was doing . He came back a few minutes later and said that he wanted to talk to me . I filed that away in my head and finished what I was doing . When dinner was ready I found Donny to see what he needed . He told me again that I wasn 't to go shopping with my mom . He claims that I have him trapped in our house and won 't let him go anywhere or do anything . That 's why for the next 2 weeks I 'm only allowed to go to work and then come straight home . That didn 't really fly with me . I pointed out that I 'm always asking him to go places with me , but he doesn 't ever feel like it , so I don 't push it . He then said that I have him cut off from everything . I asked what I have him cut off from , besides booze . He said his medicine . I pointed out that I give him his medicine just how it 's prescribed . I told him that if he had problPosted by I got my score from my final back today . I got 100 % ! This gave me 98 % overall for the class . That was the highest grade in our class . My friend that was doing the class with me ( who did taxes last year ) got a slightly lower score than me , which means that I get the bragging rights . I get a couple days to bask in the joy of this , and then I start my training . At least that 's paid time . I 'm so happy ! : ) For a while now Donny and I have talked about moving once we get our finances in order . Things are finally looking up , so the debate has become more involved . We really don 't know what to do . Living in our current home is not an ideal situation . I love my family , but they drive me nuts sometimes . The worst of it is that my grandma and her sister don 't deal well with Donny . They have a hard time accepting that his brain is gone and so there 's no changing his odd behaviors . And , to be honest , I 'm sick of hearing how awful my husband is . He may not be very functional now , but this isn 't the real Donny . The real Donny is buried somewhere under all that confusion and it 's for him that we keep trying . The drawback to getting a place of our own is that I 'm starting a full time job . Who 's going to stay with Donny while I work ? I certainly can 't leave him home alone all day . He 's not safe by himself . Everybody that I know has a life of their own and is unable to drop everything to sit with Donny all day . I just don 't see how we 'd get around that . So the debate rages on . At the moment it 's all academic anyway . But the day is coming quickly where we 'll need to make a decision . I just talked to Donny 's lawyer . He 's been approved for Social Security disability ! This opens up so many possibilities for him . After comments to my last , rather depressed , post I started looking into hospice care . It was really discouraging to see them all talk about getting Medicare to pay for their services . Now that he 's been declared disabled I have hope that he 'll qualify for more services . I really think that this will open up a lot of treatment possibilities . There 's hope again ! Could somebody please tell me what to expect ? How much worse will Donny get before it 's over ? How much time do we have left ? Isn 't there anybody out there who has some idea of what 's going to happen ? I don 't know how much more I can handle . And I don 't know what I 'll do when I can 't care for him anymore . If we 're nowhere near the end , and it 's going to get a lot worse , I just might lose my mind . Do you have any idea what it 's like to watch your husband lose his mental function ? Donny was never book smart , but he used to have street smarts that could get you through anything . Now he can 't dress himself unless he 's wearing sweats and a tshirt . And even then he can 't always dress himself . And don 't even think about getting him to shower by himself . How much worse can it get ? I fear the day that we have to switch to using diapers with him . I can change a baby , but how do you change an adult ? And yet , I can 't be home all the time to take him to the bathroom . Life has to keep going somehow . What will I do ? Our insurance doesn 't cover a nursing home , so there 's no way in hell that they 'll cover home nursing . And if I can 't get Social Security to declare him disabled , then most services for low income disabled people aren 't available to us . I feel like I 'm beating my head against a wall . All I want is good healthcare for my husband , but I can 't figure out how to get that . If a doctor could tell me what to expect I could at least start looking for solutions to coming problems , but they 're vague at best . And the specialist that 's supposed to see him keeps putting him off . I keep get the feeling that folks are just making excuses , biding their time , waiting til he dies . Then the problem goes away , and they never have to deal with it . Our regualr doctor does what he can , but this isn 't his area of expertise . He tries to help me , but he can 't force other people to do anything . He just can 't provide the answers that I need . Where are all the answers ? Yesterday was a long , but fun day . I went shopping with my mom . I need clothes for the office , but I 'm on a budget . This makes clothes shopping a challenge . I love a challenge . I was at one of the pricier stores that I like , looking at the clearance racks . I found some pants that were exactly what I was looking for , and they were my size . So I started looking for a price . The only sign that I could see said $ 4 . 99 . Now , I know that I was shopping a clearance rack , but these were $ 44 . 99 normally , so I knew that couldn 't be the price . I finally asked somebody who worked there to check the price for me . They were $ 4 . 99 ! I got three new pairs of pants . Last night I babysat for my pastor . I got the kids from the other babysitter at 8 : 00 . I had the girls put their jammies on right away because I wanted to get them into bed . Their mom had laid out clean jammies for all three girls right where they couldn 't be missed in the living room floor . So the girls stripped down right there in the living room and changed . The youngest one took the middle girl 's jammies and had the shirt on before anybody realized what she had done . Getting the right jammies on her caused the first meltdown . They informed me that they were hungry , the other babysitter didn 't give them dinner ( not true ) , they always get a bedtime snack , and so on . So I let them have some crackers with peanutbutter and a little milk . The youngest one got over her meltdown and joined us for snack . her cracker broke and so it became unacceptable to her . So she threw it across the table at her sister . That 's when I removed her from the table , and so began the second meltdown . I took her in the hallway , awa from the noise , and was kind of rocking her and trying to calm her down . I asked her if she wanted a snack and she told me no . So I asked her if she wanted some milk and she told me no . Then I asked her if she just wanted to be disagreeable , and she said yes . Lovely , she 's not quite three and she 's already PMSing . Snack time was over and I got the girls to brush their teetPosted by I had a fairly average day today . This morning Donny decided to take his medicine after all . He 's terrified of being put in restraints again . When his head 's clear he realizes that he can avoid restraints by taking his lactulose , so he 's usually pretty good about taking it . I went grocery shopping with my parents today . We spent $ 478 . 37 in one LONG trip to the store . Let me tell you , our monthly shopping trips are not for the faint of heart . My mom and I got worried when we realized that we 'd lost my dad and he had his own cart . Fortunately he didn 't put very much in it , because I had to track him down and trade carts since mine and mom 's were full . I was exhausted by the time we left the store . After spending almost $ 500 dollars on groceries , we had KFC for dinner . I was too damn tired to cook . Donny woke up just as we were sitting down to eat , so for once he actually joined us at the dinner table . It was nice to have a family dinner , even if Donny and Aunt Lenora couldn 't stop sniping at each other for very long . After dinner I took a chair into the kitchen and sat down to start working on the groceries . I had to sort through all the bags and make sure that all the perishables were put away . I also had to sort out the stuff that 's being saved for something special and set it aside . As I was sitting there doing this a large can of pumpkin fell of the counter . The edge of it hit my knee and it felt like it dug in behind the knee cap some . Let me tell you , that smarts . I found out today that my babysitting job tomorrow will be easier than I thought . I 'm to show up at 8 : 00 , just after the first babysitter puts the kids to bed . I just have to be a live , warm , adult body in the house . A piece of cake ! Today was a day of ups and downs for me . I didn 't do the reading for my class this morning . I simply had run out of time well before I ran out of stuff to do . I was also a little worried because I thought that I needed to study more before my final on parts 2 & 3 today . When class started the instructor asked the class if anybody had done the reading . Nobody spoke up , so at least I wasn 't alone . He then said that it was okay since none of it would be on the final . What a relief ! It got better when we only used about half the morning session for that chapter . Our instructor decided to use the other half to review what would be on the final . He told us that we could have a page of notes for the closed book portion of the final . And then he went over each question one by one , telling us the answers . He didn 't say that we were covering the exact questions from the final , but I had a hunch that we were . That 's why I wrote down the answers as he gave them . When it came time to do the final I took out the notes I 'd taken during the review . I read everything carefully , just to be sure that the questions were the same ones that we 'd covered , and then I copied the answers over . The open book part was really easy too , since we 'd been told exactly where to find the answers . The third part of the final was to do an actual return that included all the schedules and forms that we 'd been studying . If you own your own home , have a rental property , hold a job , own a business , and are raising a couple of kids , one of whom is in college , I can do your taxes . I got this return done and just needed to print and sign it when I discovered that there was a problem with my computer and I couldn 't print . Normally this wouldn 't be a problem , just sign in on another computer and print your return . Unfortunately my computer was not hooked up to the network so I couldn 't access my work from another computer . This meant that I had to start all over again . So I switched computers and redid my work . After I was all done I realized that I was wrong . I hPosted by My husband can be so sweet . I got paid today , and due to getting extra hours we had more cash than usual . I was thinking of all the things that we need to get done and trying to prioritize them . That 's about when Donny told me that I had to put $ 100 in my dad 's wallet . Donny 's not allowed to have cash , so I wasn 't surprised that he said for me to give the money to my dad , what surprised me was the amount of money that he wanted put away . So I started questioning him . Why do you want me to put that money away ? Is there something that I should know ? Donny had to think about it for a bit before deciding to answer me . At first he just said that it was for a Christmas present . That 's when I started trying to bargain him down to a smaller amount , but he was adamant . He thought about it , realized that I would have to be in on the purchasing phase of things , and decided to tell me what was going on . My husband wants me to buy myself a pair of shoes . He wants me to actually spend $ 100 on 1 pair of shoes . For budgetary reasons I just can 't bring myself to spend that much on 1 pair of shoes . This is why tomorrow my husband is going shopping with me while I look for shoes . Just when I 'm convinced that the sweet , thoughtful man that I married is gone for good , he goes and does something like this . I really do love him , even when he doesn 't insist that I buy new shoes . I 'm beginning to think that I should not attempt to do anything outside of the house . I went to work for about an hour this evening . Donny called me while I was there to let me know that he 'd had 2 black , tarry bowel movements today . Thanks for sharing . Maybe the problem is that I had nowhere to go tomorrow . I thought that I was finally getting a stay at home day , but maybe not . I now have to give his doctor a call in the morning and ask him how concerned we should be . I 'm really hoping to hear that we should give it a couple of days and see what happens . I 'm still holding out hope that it 's something that he ate . Last night was the annual tree lighting in our small town . My mom had a craft booth and my church was passing out cookies . The two booths were side by side so being at them both was easy . I was able to visit with people and spend more time getting to know them . It was really fun . At one point a man brought his daughter to the church 's booth to get a cookie . She was 15 months old and she was adorable . With her dad 's encouragement she would hold one little tiny finger up when asked her age . She smiled real pretty at everyone and seemed to be a very happy child . It was great . That 's when the punch in the stomach came . I never see it coming , it 's always too late to back off before it hits . I want one . Donny and I really wanted to have a child together . Unfortunately I can 't have one without a doctor 's help . And right now the doctor won 't let me because it would be too high of a risk health wise . The truly awful thing is that I know that Donny and I will never have a child together . It won 't happen before he goes . Even if I were healthy , he couldn 't now . I know that there is still the possibility of having a baby some time in the future . However , I 'm 30 , so that window of opportunity is getting smaller . With all my health issues this is something that I should have done in my 20s , but it wasn 't time for a baby then . By the time that I find somebody else to start a family with , if I ever do , I 'll probably be a lot closer to 40 . I 'm getting really afraid that I 'll never know the joy of being pregnant . At least there 's a much better prospect for knowing the joy of motherhood . There 's always adoption . This blog is the one place where I don 't censor myself . If you know me in real life you may not want to read this , since it may be you that I 'm talking about . If you choose to ignore the warning and your feelings get hurt , I don 't want to hear about it .