When I heard that my nephew , Don Michael , had gotten out of prison I immediately thought of the unfortunate Clutter Family who were massacred back in the 1960 's by psychopathic ex - convicts . Truman Capote wrote a book about the Clutters called " In Cold Blood . " If I remember the story correctly - my memory is not what it used to be - the ex - convicts traveled cross country to access the Clutter family safe sheerly on information told to them in prison by another inmate who had worked at the Clutter Farm before he went to prison . The inmate had told them there was a safe inside the house with lots of money in it - there was no such safe . The Clutters all died for nothing . All of the television crime channel stories start out the same . It 's a sleepy little town where nothing ever happens ; people don 't even lock their doors ! I have always been a locked door enthusiast . Sometimes when I am almost asleep , I get up to check all the doors , just one more time . In those dreamy moments after I 've checked the doors " just once more , " I imagine Don Michael bragging in prison about his Uncle Barry 's gun collection . If Don Michael began to really think about things , he could probably even be able to tell the convicts where the guns were kept . Don Michael 's father was my brother . His name was Don . Sure , he was a con man and a crooked used car salesman , but I don 't think he was ever involved in any big crimes . His son , on the other hand , started his criminal career not long after my brother and his first wife divorced . Sharon got the kids , but neither she nor Don were equipped to handle children . I remember all the times I rode in the car with Sharon and the children . There were two older boys from a previous marriage and I don 't think they were ever in control . Sharon screamed and screamed and then tried to spank legs in the backseat while she drove . If I had a nickel for every time she threatened to stop the car … . Let 's just say , I really wanted her to stop the car and do whatever she might 've done but she never did . The boys thought she was funny . This made Don 's job as a stepdad so much harder because her total lack of discipline made Don have to be in charge of all disciplinary measures . I tried not to laugh when I saw him sitting in his recliner with a belt in his hands . I never saw him use the belt , but it was there to remind the boys that it could be used , if needed . Don Michael was my brother 's long awaited dream son . He had daughters but daughters were not sons . He longed for a son and when Don Michael was born it was a happy day for everyone . I was at the hospital the night Don Michael was born . Sharon and Don has asked me to come , and I wanted to be helpful . Just as Don Michael was beginning to be born I had to leave the room . I had to sit in a chair in the hallway and tremble in fear at my own ineptitude . Why on earth had I thought I could witness a birth ? I was out there only a few minutes , though , when Don ran out of the delivery room looking happier than he ever had . It was a boy ! Don gave his son his own name and vowed to put checkered pants on him and have him selling cars the following week . It was a good time for the family . When Don Michael was fifteen , Sharon sent him to live with Don because she could no longer control him . Don lived in Tulsa at that time and Don Michael fell into a gang of other boys bent on criminal behavior . Don Michael held up a convenience store with a knife and the clerk later identified him as the boy who had threatened her . Don was so disappointed . Don and Sharon went to his court days and listened to lawyers talk about his youth , his impressionability , the belief that with the right kind of help , Don Michael could turn his life around . In the end , they decided not to give him a harsh sentence . I received letters from Don Michael while he was in the youth facility . He swore he wanted to go to church with me , start a new and better life , and make his parents happy . It made me happy to think we could be a big happy family again , like when he was first born . But then he got out and I never heard from him . It turns out , church was the last thing on his mind by then . He and his girlfriend were pregnant . Don Michael was sixteen when his first child was born . By then he had other girlfriends and I tried not to think of him . I heard bits and pieces of information about him , and I really didn 't want to know anything about him . Still , you live in a family and you 're bound to hear about your brother 's kids . Don Michael was rounded up in a meth - cooking mess . He had run and tried to get away but the cops were smart enough to surround the place where the meth was being manufactured . He faced serious jail time . Don Michael and his family lived in a tent down by the river when all of this happened . He called a lawyer while he was in the county jail and told him that he had a box of money buried at the river . He promised he would go get the box and bring it back if the lawyer would get him out of jail . I really have to wonder about the intelligence of this lawyer . He did as Don Michael asked and waited for the money . That kid was halfway to Las Vegas by the time the lawyer realized he had been played . All of these stories make me tired when I think of it . There were so many more arrests , so many more years in jail , so much more heartache for my brother . Don Michael moved among the upper echelon of criminals in Las Vegas , and the last time he was arrested he went to the Clark County jail in Las Vegas . By then , I don 't think anyone expected Don Michael to be anything but a criminal . I watched my brother cry and finally admit his son wasn 't a good person . I never thought my brother could be broken , but he was . Don Michael was his waterloo . Don moved back to Texas near to where we grew up . I think a part of me knew he was dying . He had lost his will to live then and stopped taking all of his medications . He had diabetes but he said he felt better when he didn 't take the medication . I look back now and wonder how I could have been so blind . My brother killed himself in plain sight with all of us watching . It was a sunny day in September when we gathered to remember my brother . No part of Don was at that funeral . There was a box of something in the front of the funeral chapel , but it wasn 't him . The funeral director assured us that people did this all the time . It wasn 't necessary to have the actual body or remains at the funeral . I glanced around the crowd of attendees and saw so many people that I didn 't expect to be there . May Felton from my church was there . It surprised me to see her there . She didn 't know Don and we weren 't that close . But then it hit me . She thought she would get the scoop before anyone else . She thought she 'd be able to take something back to the ladies tea hour at church . This is why May Felton attended my brother 's funeral . I looked around the chapel some more and wondered if maybe that was the reasons others had , too . There was not usually such drama and excitement in our little town . In the end , I refused to pay two cents for Don Michael to attend his father 's funeral . I didn 't want to see him or hear about him ever again . He had killed my brother . There was no doubt in my mind . Karen Brode is a senior contributor Jet Planes and Coffee . She grew up in Denison , Texas and graduated from Denison High School in 1972 . She took courses at Southeastern Oklahoma State University and worked in a church office for 25 years . She and her husband , Gary , have been married 39 years and they have one son , Brandon . Karen 's hobbies are writing , sewing , and gardening . Stephen Garner felt a lot older than he thought he should . The years and the failures had caught up to him . He looked down at his work - worn hands . At 56 years old , his body was broken and his spirit wasn 't too far behind . If he had just been 10 years younger , he would have rallied . Once upon a time , those hands could have saved the farm . But nothing could help him now . He had lost the farm , lost everything he had worked for . And now his wife was dying . The best he could do was to stay alive to take care of Ella . He was unselfish in his prayer for continued breaths . He knew his wife depended on him so much . She depended on him to say their morning prayers because she had forgotten them . She depended on him to bring her meals to the little room where they now lived in their daughter 's house . He fed her because she had forgotten how to eat . She depended on him to keep her warm in the night and to understand so many things that she could no longer understand . And Stephen did understand . He loved Ella through all of it . He felt himself being used up , consumed by the situation , but he never wavered in his love for her . She had been that beautiful young girl who had just glanced across the church aisle at him when he was young and vibrant and well . She had waked in him all the love and devotion a young girl could cause a young man to have . They had been young and happy and their children had had enough to eat and life was good . Their life together had never been rich but they weren 't poor either . The Lord had always provided . By the sweat of his brow , he had helped the Lord provide for his family . And on Sundays , he and Ella and their three children took up most of a pew at church . He rubbed the tight pain between his eyes and looked over at his wife . She was sleeping . She had forgotten all of those times but he remembered them . Sometimes he wished he could forget too so he wouldn 't really know how much they had lost . Stephen and Ella were penniless . They had lost the farm . Stephen ached remembering the day the bank came and took the farm away . They just weren 't able to keep up on their payments . Now , he and his wife were at the mercy of whichever of child would take them in . Thank God for the generosity of their oldest daughter Lela and her steadfast husband Walter . Stephen smiled at the thought of their kindness . It was a bittersweet smile . He would have rather been in his own home and not tucked in the corner of his daughter 's house . But his children were good to him and Ella . Walter took care of the roof over their heads and Lela made sure they ate . Stephen was sure there was never a better pair than those two . " What you doin ' , little girl ? " Stephen asked , opening his arms and inviting her into his lap . She smiled and ran to him , giggling quietly . She was only five , the youngest of seven children . Stephen could see her little heart , and it was as big as the earth itself . Unlike the other children , Hazel had a restless spirit . She longed to go to school with her sisters , but since the time wasn 't right yet , she always found her way to Grandpa 's lap with stories she had seen around her . Hazel looked up at her grandfather like she was shocked . " Well , she is 15 , " she said . " She 's gotta get married soon so she can have babies ! " " Heaven help that boy , then , " Stephen said . He knew what kind of woman Opal was going to be . She would be insufferable , but whatever boy would have her would never know it until after he had married her . Stephen didn 't like to get into the parenting affairs of Lela and Walter , but he knew they struggled sometimes . For one , Lela spoiled Opal and gave her whatever she wanted . And on the other hand , Walter had a weak spot when it came to disciplining his children , especially the boys . He left everything to Lela . Stephen knew , then that it was better for him and Ella to take their meals in their little room by themselves . Ella didn 't feel like eating much of the time , but Stephen knew that she just didn 't feel like talking or being a part of the chaos in the main house . So , they stayed in their room much of the time when the entire family was together . There were times , though when Stephen went to the kitchen to sit with his daughter while she prepared the meal for the day . They talked often about the trials and tribulations of raising such a large family . Lela never relaxed . She made Stephen tired to watch her dart about her kitchen looking for ingredients to make a new meal each day . Lela was only 37 , but she looked 50 . Stephen thought they had made the right decision by staying in East Texas , though . He didn 't think his daughter would fit well into Walter 's family . His brothers were fast talkers , fast dealers , and there was nothing Christian about them . It worried Stephen that his daughter and her children might be unduly influenced by these people and turn out to be infidels . He was humbled and love filled his heart . " Thank you , Miss Hazel , " he said . He would later take the flower to Ella , but for now he stuck it in his pants pocket . At the mailbox , Stephen went through the letters . His sister had written , but he would give that letter to Lela . Lela handled all of the family communication . Truth was , Stephen wasn 't too good at writing . He could never write down all that had happened to him . It was better not to talk about it or think about it . He did open a letter from Washington , DC , though . He didn 't know anyone in Washington . Hazel leaned on him , tired from the walk , so he bent down and picked her up as he opened the letter . Stephen opened the letter and shook his head . " Wouldn 't you know it , Hazel ? Those fat cats in Washington are asking me for money ! That president in with all the money in the world is asking me for money ! " Stephen looked at his granddaughter and then back at the letter . It talked about some new program that was meant to help people get on their feet when they couldn 't work anymore . The idea of it struck home , made him wish something like that had been in place when he had been forced to leave his farm and livelihood . Karen Brode is a senior contributor Jet Planes and Coffee . She grew up in Denison , Texas and graduated from Denison High School in 1972 . She took courses at Southeastern Oklahoma State University and worked in a church office for 25 years . She and her husband , Gary , have been married 39 years and they have one son , Brandon . Karen 's hobbies are writing , sewing , and gardening . Jewel was one of two sisters that lived in Fort Smith , Arkansas . Opal was the other . The two women were rarely seen without the other , so it was a surprise when Hazel heard only Jewel on the other side of the door . It was especially disconcerting because she was rarely demanding like that . That was usually a job left to Opal . " Opal 's not far behind me , " she said . " She brought her own car so she could stay a few days longer . " Jewel paused and raised her eyebrows with a look that said , " Sorry ! " Hazel laughed at the commiseration . They both knew how difficult Opal could be . They had known it their whole lives . You might say that having to deal with Opal gave them something in common . It had kept them close all these years . " I need to tell you something before Opal gets here , " she said . " That 's why I 'm so flustered . I didn 't want Opal to hear me . " Laurie was Opal 's favorite , above everyone else in the world . Up to this point , she had always been beyond reproach . In fact , most days , you couldn 't get a word in edgewise for all the talk about Laurie : Laurie had gotten a raise at her job . She had gone on a date with a medical student . She had attended the symphony with her church group . There was really no end to all the good work that Laurie was doing . Hazel wondered what could be so bad that Jewel would race ahead of their sister in order to have a private conversation . Already , Laurie had stunned Opal by moving away to Dallas as soon as she graduated high school . Hazel couldn 't think of anything worse than that . She remembered watching Laurie grow up and Opal talking about her granddaughter 's future as if it were her own to decide . She would have a small house in Fort Smith and marry a Christian man who would emerge from the small house every morning with his briefcase with Laurie standing at the door with his coffee and a kiss . And then Laurie and her husband would have a sweet little great grandchild that Opal could cuddle in her arms . She had even talked of their living with Opal so Opal could be of assistance with the children . When Laurie moved away , it had stunned and hurt Opal deeply . " My word , " Hazel said , putting her hand to her mouth . " Did she marry a Baptist ? " Her eyes widened as her mind tried to guess what could be so bad . And then she gasped . " Did she marry a … Catholic ? " She could barely get out the last word and when she did , she whispered it . She knew that would be worse than anything in Opal 's mind . Everyone knew how her sister felt about church and other churches . Hers was The One True Church , the church without instruments , the church without separate Bible classes . When anyone asked Opal about her beliefs about Bible classes , Hazel knew that Opal would consider those people as feeble minded . And she saw it as her duty to teach them . " God did not say , ' Go off and put yourselves in different places to worship me ! ' He said , ' Everyone must be together to praise me ! ' " She was quite passionate when she would relay this to anyone who challenged her on it . When pressed where in the Bible she got her information , she 'd shrug and say she couldn 't remember exactly where it was , but she knew it was there and far be it from her to dispute the Word of God . So , as her children had children , Opal made it clear that those grandchildren must marry within the church - her church . They should never even think about dating anyone outside the church . Marriage was hard enough without being unequally yoked , she 'd say . A car drove by outside and both women jumped . They looked back through the front door as if expecting Opal to be standing there listening . Hazel was relieved to see that the car wasn 't Opal 's and she wasn 't standing there . " Laurie called a while back and told Opal she had cancer , " Jewel said . She took a Kleenex from the box and dabbed at her eyes . " You can imagine how Opal received that news ! It was terrible ! " Hazel remembered Opal recounting how , on the night of his death , he had called while he was on the road . She had wanted to say hello to her son , but she had been in the bath and , by the time she got out and dried off enough to go to the phone , Lloyd had hung up . She never got to say goodbye or anything . She had always wondered if Bruce had meant to confide something to his mother , something important that he 'd never get to say . So she blamed Lloyd until he , too , died some years later . Laurie was Bruce 's only child . When she came along , Opal took care of her on the auspices of helping out , but really she had wanted to be with her favorite son 's child . She could see Bruce in Laurie and that was as close as Opal would ever get to her son . It helped Opal cope with Bruce 's death , but Hazel knew that her sister had taken all the dreams she had for Bruce and pinned them on Laurie . Jewel nodded . " Opal went to Brother Bailey in tears and asked if the church could have a special drive to help Laurie with her cancer treatments . And he was quick to agree to it . He told Opal that 's what the church was for - to help in times of need ! " " That is so kind , " Hazel said . She warmed to the new minister 's generosity and thought maybe he had finally started filling the shoes of the previous minister . It had been hard on the congregation when Old Brother Leon had a stroke and it took a while for them to take to Brother Bailey . " Opal was making plans to go to Dallas , " Jewel continued . " She wanted to take care of Laurie herself . They talked every night on the phone , so much so that Opal had to work out a payment plan with the phone company ! Her phone bills went sky high ! " " Laurie didn 't want Opal to go , " she said looking up and blinking her eyes . " She said she 'd rather call and give daily reports , which she did . It did such a number on Opal to not be there and know how to be helpful . She prayed , of course , but she was sick with worry . " " That 's Opal , " said Jewel . " I have to tell you quick then . Opal found out last week that Laurie didn 't have cancer at all . Never had it ! It was all a scam to get money ! " Hazel started to stand to go to the door , but she felt light - headed and had to sit back down again . The breath escaped her chest and she felt all the sadness , misery , and embarrassment that Opal must have felt this last week . She could barely believe that Opal 's own granddaughter would do such a thing ! After the second ring , Hazel managed to get to her feet and shuffle to the door . Tears clouded her vision , so it took her a moment to get the door opened . Before Opal could even get over the threshold , Hazel pulled her into a big hug . Opal burst into tears herself and she practically melted into Hazel 's embrace . And then Jewel joined them . The three sisters stood in their familial triumvirate and wept in unison . Karen Brode is a senior contributor Jet Planes and Coffee . She grew up in Denison , Texas and graduated from Denison High School in 1972 . She took courses at Southeastern Oklahoma State University and worked in a church office for 25 years . She and her husband , Gary , have been married 39 years and they have one son , Brandon . Karen 's hobbies are writing , sewing , and gardening . Albert sat at his sister - in - law 's kitchen table reading the Fort Smith newspaper . His wife , Hazel was busy cleaning up the lunch dishes . He figured they had about another minute 's peace and quiet before Opal , his sis - in - law , started up again with her constant demands . There it was . Opal couldn 't keep quiet longer than twenty minutes before she needed something new . For about a week she had been lying in bed nursing her gall bladder surgery for all it was worth . Albert had wished some other sister had been available to stay with her while she healed up , but Jewel had a job and Cleo was in Houston visiting the new grandbaby . That left his wife to do all the heavy lifting with their oldest sister . " That woman , " Albert said under his breath . He watched Hazel dry her hands on a kitchen towel before heading down the hallway to Opal 's bedroom . His wife had this soft way about her . Even her steps were soft and gentle , though he also noticed they were always full of purpose . He knew whatever Opal wanted Hazel would give her . Sometimes he wished she 'd just tell her sister to stuff it . But then , she wouldn 't be his Hazel if she did that . " Nothing … nothing . It 's just , I noticed there 's a lot of dust up there on the door frame , above the door . I hadn 't noticed it before , but just lying here makes me see things from a different angle . Would you get a dish cloth and try to get all the dust off that frame ? " " Who does she think she is ? " He whispered , leaning forward again . He had to resist the urge not to hit the table top with his fist . Albert pretended to be reading the newspaper when Hazel entered the room again . He knew his marriage had always been a point of contention between his wife and Opal . It didn 't help that Opal knew what he thought of her marriage to her dead husband Lloyd . Albert had liked Lloyd , but he thought he had always been a spineless jellyfish and let Opal walk all over him . One day he told this to Hazel and Opal overheard . You would have thought he had accused his sister - in - law of genocide . She laid into him like a cat chasing chickens . They had steered clear of each other ever since . " Oh , Hazel ! " It hadn 't even been five minutes since Opal called her sister back to the room . " I think the baseboards need cleaning too . " " You didn 't come here to do her housework ! " He said through his teeth . " Tell her to get her old fat butt out of bed if she wants anything else dusted . " He stood up , ready to go tell Opal himself just what he thought of her . Hazel walked over to him and put a hand to his chest . She looked up at him with pleading eyes - the eyes he fell in love with . " I 'm going for a walk , " he said , finally , stepping around his wife . In three strides he was out the door . He slammed it so hard the entire house shook . He didn 't actually go for a walk right away . Instead , he sat on the front steps for awhile to try to calm down . He watched the birds skittering and chirping around the bushes in Opal 's front yard . Under the windows along the front of Opal 's house , he noticed some shrubbery needed trimming . He would have already trimmed them if they were not Opal 's shrubs . He liked to stay busy . He was never happier than when he could stand back and look at a job well done . But he simply would not let himself do it . If he did that , it would open up all kinds of expectations from his sister - in - law . She would ask him to paint her house and put a new roof on and build a new shed . It would never end . Opal 's house was the last house on a dead - end street . Albert looked around , thinking about the implications of that . It made him smile . He certainly felt like her house was a dead - end whenever he visited . " Heck , no ! " Albert bristled . " She 's my wife 's sister . Opal 's had some surgery and my wife doesn 't drive , so I had to bring her . " Albert rubbed his big heavy hand through his hair . " If it was up to me , I 'd already be gone back home . That woman wears on me like nobody else ever has . " The man leaned closer to Albert . In a confidential tone he said , " That woman has been a sore spot to all us neighbors . Most of the men in the neighborhood won 't even go out in their front yards anymore . She 's always out there hollerin ' from her front porch . You can only pretend to be deaf so long ! She doesn 't give up and she doesn 't take a hint . " Albert cackled in commiseration . " Oh yeah . She would never take a hint . You 'd have to scream it in her face . Even then she might not get the message . " Opal 's neighbor pointed to a house further down the street . " See that house there with the flag pole ? That 's Ralph Martin 's house . He 's been forbidden by his wife to go anywhere near Opal . " The man shrugged . " I don 't know if it 's true , but it seemed like Ralph was running to the house every other day to look at the faucet or the refrigerator or any little thing to get him over there . His wife Millie had enough and put her foot down . " Both men looked at each other for half a second as the image of Opal the Seductress sunk in . Then they both started laughing at the same time . Tears sprung out of Albert 's eyes he was laughing so hard . Albert continued on his way and , while he walked , he wondered why God had even made people like Opal . It seemed to him that she served no real purpose , except to make the people around her miserable . Albert supposed that her husband Lloyd had loved her , but she was 16 when they married and he figured she was nicer back then . The thing that bothered Albert most of all about Opal is that she did not know unlikable she was . She could at least have a little humility . Albert 's thoughts went further back in the past , then . He thought to the time when he had been courting Hazel . He got dressed up every time he went to a family supper over at her house and her parents gave him the once - over more than once . He always felt claustrophobic when he visited . Hazel 's entire family was so proper and pious . He tended to like people who were more down to earth and didn 't think so much of themselves . Opal was by far the worst of the worst . She played the piano after suppers and the family would gather around and sing . Albert hated it , but he endured it because he loved Hazel . Albert scratched his head trying to understand Hazel 's family . Hazel and another sister , Jewel , used to say that their mother would 've been happier if she had had Opal as her only daughter . He never understood that . He never saw anything attractive about her . He almost hated her for the way she treated Hazel . Opal was exactly the kind of girl he would never have looked at twice because she already thought she was so pretty . He would much rather be married to that sweet , kindhearted Hazel . Sure she sometimes wore her heart on her sleeve , but she always tried to do the right thing . Albert figured it probably wasn 't easy to be Hazel . Sometimes he felt sorry for her . Once they were married , he didn 't plan to spend much time at her family home , if for no other reason than to give Hazel a break from trying to measure up and take care of everybody . " Opal is having a hard time , " Hazel said . She gave him a second look , like she was trying to figure out why he was smiling . " She , uh , needs you to go and get her some more pain pills and the pharmacy closes in about 30 minutes ! " Albert looked at his wife 's plaintive face and his heart melted . He could never tell Hazel no about anything , even if it was to help that harridan , Opal . He knew that his wife was such a goodhearted person and that he didn 't really deserve her . She went out of her way to keep things calm , keep everyone happy , make sure he had what he needed . He didn 't say a word as he got in the car and drove away , but he did look in the rear - view mirror . As he drove up the road , he noticed that Hazel didn 't budge from the porch . He was pretty sure he 'd never forget this moment , or that look of confused happiness she gave him just after he had kissed her . Karen Brode is a senior contributor Jet Planes and Coffee . She grew up in Denison , Texas and graduated from Denison High School in 1972 . She took courses at Southeastern Oklahoma State University and worked in a church office for 25 years . She and her husband , Gary , have been married 39 years and they have one son , Brandon . Karen 's hobbies are writing , sewing , and gardening . I succumbed to the spiritual pressure to be baptized on the first night . I didn 't trust waiting until the next night . A lot of things could happen in a day . I didn 't want to take any chances . Back at the little church in Appleton , though , it was like seeing the same movie over and over . It was always the same . I knew what would happen next , but still I watched . " You know Beulah 's funeral is tomorrow , " said Mrs . Morton . " Could you bring a pie to my house ? I 'll have Frank take it over to her . " There was always a funeral and always a pie needing to be made . Aunt Winnie always agreed to make it or whatever food was necessary to help out the grieving , hurting families . She also went to every funeral service . It 's what people did . Mrs . Morton nodded . " She was looking so much better than last time I saw her . I 'm so glad she doesn 't need that walker anymore . " Aunt Winnie 's mouth dropped open like she was trying to get the words out but she couldn 't . Finally , she whispered , " Are you sure it wasn 't someone who looked like my aunt ? Maybe someone far away ? " Mrs . Morton didn 't seem to notice Winnie 's surprise . " No , it was her , " she said . " We talked a bit when we were looking at the plums . " Winnie nodded and smiled a weak , confused smile , but she said nothing more . Her husband was walking up to the podium just then , so time for talk was over . Still , she seemed so shocked to hear that Aunt Emma was walking without a walker that she leaned forward to look over me to my mother . " Let us pray , " my uncle said . He bowed his head and closed his eyes . " Dear Lord , may the speaker of your word have a ready recollection of thoughts . May those thoughts move someone today to turn their life over to you . And please bless the hands of the women who are cooking for our bereaved family … . " I took a chance to open my eyes and look over at Winnie then . She was the one who was always pitching in and helping . My uncle had to be talking about her . I wanted to see if I could tell that she was proud of what he had said . But she didn 't seem to be listening . Her head was bowed , but her eyes were opened . She was looking down at her hands and she seemed troubled about something . My uncle finished his prayer . He repeated his concern for the lost souls of the congregation . When he said " Amen , " I looked around at the few dozen people and wondered who he thought was lost because we had all turned our lives over to God , even me . Did he know someone 's inner miseries that the rest of us didn 't ? Was he trying to reach them ? It was time to sing then and we were asked to stand . Most of the congregants were past sixty . They groaned as they forced themselves from the comfort of the wooden pews . While we sang , I noticed my aunt watching the cows in the field out the window . She continued to do this throughout the sermon . I looked at the back of Mrs . Morton 's head and wondered if Winnie was upset about what Mrs . Morton had said about Aunt Emma 's walker . I didn 't completely understand , but I knew she was worried about my other aunt for some reason . A few days later , Winnie came for a visit . She sat at my mother 's kitchen table , and she told her what Mrs . Morton had said . Mother seemed shocked as well . Mother shrugged and shook her head . " I can 't imagine . I 've never seen her without that walker . To go this long just pretending ? " I 'm not sure what Mother thought of when she heard this , but I had to put my cookie down because I was imagining Aunt Emma with gum or peanut butter or some other sticky substance all over her head . The thought of it made me want to laugh , but Aunt Winnie was so serious that I knew better . So I picked up my cookie and stuffed it in my mouth to keep from giggling . " Her hair is jet black now ! " Winnie said . She seemed almost angry , but I knew the look on her face was more about worry . " Hazel , I think she used shoe polish on her hair ! " " Even if she goes into a nursing home , she 'll expect me to visit everyday . I guess a home isn 't going to change that . But there 's a limit to what I can do , Hazel . " I wouldn 't admit this to anyone , but I loved my youngest child so much more than the others . I tried to be fair , but it was so hard at times . When Winnie and Albert came along , I didn 't think I could love anyone any more than I loved them . And then Travis arrived and I realized he had been the child I had truly wanted all along . I was 22 when Winnie was born . It was a laborious birth . I stayed exhausted mentally and physically for so long . My neighbors and the church ladies came often to give me time to nap or they would bring a casserole to the door . They assured me that things would get easier in time . I waited a long time and it never happened . To say it bluntly and truthfully , Winnie was not a pretty little girl . Sometimes I looked at her and asked myself how this could 've happened . When I found out I was going to have a baby , I was so happy . I didn 't really think that much about what the child would be like . My daughter had soulful gray eyes that watched me constantly . She had my swarthy complexion and seemed to be frightened of something even as a baby . She didn 't cry much , though . She would just lie in her crib , wide awake , for hours . But she didn 't cry . The closest I could come to describing her emotion was that she was worried . Always worried . I felt sorry for her even before she could crawl . I didn 't know what I could do with her . I made her dresses of lace but she looked ridiculous in them . I tried everything . Her hair grew out to almost waist length . On any other little girl this would have been helpful . It just made Winnie look older . She was not like other children so there was no use in hoping that she would find a group of girlfriends at school . My sister Dollie had a baby girl six months after Winnie was born . Dollie came all the way from Slaton , Texas to spend a few days with us right before the holidays . I didn 't understand how my sister had been able to travel with a baby that young . It wasn 't something I could do . She and I put Winnie and her daughter Christine in the same crib , but Christine crawled away from Winnie as fast as she could . Still Winnie just sat there and never complained . My daughter was an old soul . As she grew , she began to be a good child . She was probably the best - behaved child anyone has ever met . People marveled at her social graces . She liked people to be happy with her , to appreciate her . I could already imagine the life that she would have before she became a teenager . It made me sad . I didn 't know how to even talk about this with anyone . Winnie was four years old when I saw everything so clearly . It was about this same time that I found out that I was going to have another baby . I gained over 50 pounds in my second pregnancy . I was so miserable the entire time . I couldn 't sleep , I was nauseated a great deal of the time , and I wondered how on earth I could gain so much weight . At times it seemed that the baby that grew in my womb was already warring against me . The child did not rest peacefully inside me . I knew he would not be like Winnie . I secretly hoped that might be a good thing . I knew that he would have a lot more spirit and a lot more fight than Winnie ever did . By the last few months of my pregnancy , Winnie had taken over many of the household chores . I took one look at him and immediately knew who he looked like ! He was the spitting image of my father , John Gamble . People would remind me often of this - thinking that it made me happy that my child looked like my father . It did not make me happy . From the very start , Albert was the opposite of Winnie . He demanded attention and wanted more of everything . He watched me with those dark brown eyes and I tried to feel something positive about him . I held him and changed his diapers and gave him food and took good care of him , but I could tell - he didn 't like me . As Albert grew , he looked so much like my father that I almost couldn 't stand him . If it was just his appearance that bothered me , I might get past that . But he had the same blustery presence . Albert walked into a room and I was suddenly on edge . I got the prickly sense that he could see completely into my soul and I always looked away . Sometimes he didn 't say anything at all . He just looked at me with disgust . On numerous occasions , I asked my husband John if he thought we should discipline Albert in some way . As always , he chose to have no real opinion . He wasn 't even aware of the fractured relationship between Albert and me . I loved John with all my heart , but we stopped talking like we used to . We didn 't even talk at all most days . Everybody just wanted to get away from me . It was hard to know these things and not understand how to change them . I can remember how much my husband and I loved each other in the beginning . Nothing made me happier than to see him coming toward the house after work knowing that he wanted to come home to me . When he saw me standing at the stove cooking our supper , he would stand behind me and put his arms around me , and tell me how happy he was with his little wife . I was little back then . He could almost encircle my waist with his hands . It wasn 't long before I wasn 't little anymore . I didn 't see any of it coming . The change in my appearance happened gradually over the years . Suddenly I had to extend my dress patterns to accommodate my widening girth . I saw the other women at church looking at me , noticing , wondering why I had let myself go . All of my sisters and my one brother managed to take life in stride so much better than I did . I don 't know why that is , but it is . If I had not had my sister Emma to laugh with in my childhood , I don 't know what I would have done . Emma could make me laugh in the midst of the worst times of our lives . She could somehow turn things around and make me feel so much better . When Emma lost her baby girl , though , she was never the same . I didn 't know what to say to her during this time . She did not cry hysterically . She just got very quiet . Her husband didn 't help much either . He had always been the strong silent type . I could imagine the silence in their house being almost palpable . That 's about the same time Emma began to think of her cats as if they were her children . No one dared to say anything to her about this . We were all very happy that she could find solace in the company of devoted cats . I often wondered if other mothers and wives felt like I did . I never broached the subject with anyone , though , because people didn 't do that . Any one of those church ladies who sit by me at the fellowship dinners and showers at church would stare at me in shock if I had asked if she really liked her children . It was a social necessity to at least pretend you liked your own children . My sister , Dollie , seemed completely taken by her baby , Christine . Dollie always looked pleasant and seemed positive about everything in general . I wanted to ask her how she did that , but I didn 't ask her . When I thought of Dollie , I thought of her face lit up with a smile . I knew that wasn 't what people remembered about me . There were days when I woke in panic and an icy cold fear in the pit of my stomach . I knew this wasn 't normal . I was hemmed in on all sides by fear , but I could see in other people 's eyes that things would go a lot better if I didn 't mention any of this . I didn 't think that we would have any more children . Albert was seven and had grown even colder toward me than he had as a young tot . Sometimes my father came to see Albert and take him fishing or he invited him to the domino hall . I didn 't want my son to be around my father but my husband thought that having his granddaddy around was good for our son . Then I found out that there was going to be another child . Winnie was so excited . I think she might have been more excited than me . She was eleven years old . I was 33 years old when my third child was born . I didn 't know if my body would let me carry another baby . I was young when the other two were born and neither of their births were easy . I envied the women who talked about giving birth as if it was like breathing . Especially after the first one , it was all supposed to be easier . But it was never easier for me . Travis was born after four days of hard labor . When I was going through this experience , it was the first time I got angry with my husband . How dare he get pleasure at the price of my pain . Even if it did result in a sweet little baby , I swore I would never go through that ever again . My husband sat by the bed and kept a wet washcloth on my face to help distract me from the pain . I thought it would never end . When the third day of labor dawned , I began to feel desperate . I thought something should be done but I didn 't know what . Winnie stood in the corner of the room watching me with those gray eyes . They were as big as saucers . Then early in the morning of the fourth day my third baby arrived in a mighty swoosh . For just a moment , I could relax . My husband put the baby on my chest , while he helped clean up . I thought Winnie might be in shock because she didn 't move - even after the baby was born . The new baby rooted around on my chest and settled in nursing . That is when I fell in love with him . He was a baby boy but already I could tell that I loved him in a way I had never loved Winnie or Albert . Karen Brode is a senior contributor Jet Planes and Coffee . She grew up in Denison , Texas and graduated from Denison High School in 1972 . She took courses at Southeastern Oklahoma State University and worked in a church office for 25 years . She and her husband , Gary , have been married 39 years and they have one son , Brandon . Karen 's hobbies are writing , sewing , and gardening . In the aftermath of my father 's death , I spent a good deal of time trying to blend into the wallpaper , especially whenever big conversations happened between the adults . The rug had been pulled out from under me when he died . Nothing felt safe or real . Being unseen gave me the advantage of hearing things most eight - year - olds wouldn 't get to hear . If the adults didn 't notice me , I could learn what was really going on . " Momma , all you would have to do is sign the papers ! " My brother John had been ranting all through dinner about papers he wanted our mother to sign so he could be released from the Army . " I don 't think I can stand it anymore and now I have a real shot of getting out , thanks to Daddy dying . If you sign these papers , I 'm free ! " I felt cold hearing my brother talk about Daddy that way . It was like he was happy our father had died . I couldn 't risk moving , though , to feel the actual shudder that crept into my shoulders . They might see me and send me out of the room . I looked over at Mother . She was at the kitchen sink working away on the cast iron skillet she had used to make fried potatoes for dinner . Her shoulders slumped at the same time mine felt frozen . John leaned back in his chair and folded his arms over his chest . He was only 18 but he was like a bull in every way - broad chest , stubborn nature . He was also full of mischief and if there was one thing he bucked against the hardest it was rule and regulations . Even I knew the army was full of those . It was like watching a tennis match in a way . John sitting there waiting for Mother to cave , Mother leaning her body further over the sink , as if she might crawl into that greasy , soapy water and get lost in it . Who would crack first ? John brought his heavy fist down on the table so hard it made the spoons jump . Momma and I jumped too . She dropped the skillet into the sink . I held my breath . " So I guess you 're not even going to look at these papers , then ? " John asked . His voice was irritated but I saw a little curl on one side of his mouth . He saw me watching him and his face changed completely . I heard Momma sniff before she lifted the corner of her apron to her eyes . My stomach hurt wondering why she was crying . Was it because of John ? Or because Daddy wasn 't here to help her deal with John anymore ? I looked back at my brother and imagined what it would be like if Daddy had been here . There would be no talk of leaving the army , that 's for sure . I might have been Daddy 's Little Girl , but I knew things were different for John . He had felt the harsh side of our father 's moods more than anyone and it always seemed my Mother was there to try to make up for those moods . Back in the kitchen with Mother and John , I felt myself blinking back tears . I didn 't want to be discovered and sent out of the room by myself again . I pretended to be a statue and forced myself not to cry . By now , Mother had fished the skillet out of the sink and she was drying it off . I caught her looking at John from the mirror above the sink . I could see in her eyes she was weighing what was best and I could tell from the way John sat up in his chair that he thought he was making headway with his case . " Momma , did I tell you about the poor guy I had to sit with out in the desert ? " John lit up another cigarette and took a deep drag . His fingers fiddled with the papers in front of him . " He was only one year older than me . We were doing maneuvers out in the desert . The sand blew in our faces every minute and it felt like needles piercing our skin . " John looked back at Momma 's reflection . She wasn 't looking at him anymore . She was wiping down the countertops . Her brow was furrowed with forced concentration . " The kid had a fever I think , " John continued . " He was just so out of it those last few days . Maybe he had a heat stroke . I tried to contact the sergeant with my walkie - talkie , but I couldn 't reach him . " John looked over at me then . He flashed a grinchy grin and then he went on with his story . I jumped because I didn 't think he knew I was there . " And then some knucklehead cut him right in half with a tank ! Can you imagine ? His intestines were sprawled out everywhere ! All I could do was light a cigarette for him and help him smoke his last one . He died right out there in the sand . " Without meaning to , I squeaked . It was all too gruesome to imagine . There was a look in John 's eyes that told me he was making up the whole thing , but the way he told the story made me believe him . " John ! " My mother spun around and stared at him for the first time since the conversation started . " Your sister is eight years old . Don 't you think she has seen enough horror for awhile ? " John 's eyes glittered with mischief and I knew his story wasn 't over yet . I wanted so badly to close my ears , but if I did that I 'd prove I wasn 't ready to be in the room with the adults and I 'd be sent away again . I sat stock still and looked at my brother with pleading eyes . I looked away from John then . I couldn 't take it anymore but I knew better than to jump up and run to Mother . I couldn 't risk being sent to my room now . John smiled . I couldn 't believe he could smile after telling such a terrible story . And poor Momma . It upset her so much . John had a way of doing that whenever he was around . " Momma , look , " John said . His voice was calm now and easy , like someone soothing a wild horse . " None of this army stuff is going to help me . How can making my bed perfectly and shining my shoes until my face shines in them make any difference to anybody ? " " I 'm going out for awhile , " he said . He slid the papers he wanted Momma to sign over to her side of the table . Without another word , he walked out the door and into the night to who knows where . The quiet that followed was almost too loud . John 's large presence - and his horrible stories - still rang in my ears . I was relieved when Mother took notice of me . Karen Brode is a senior contributor Jet Planes and Coffee . She grew up in Denison , Texas and graduated from Denison High School in 1972 . She took courses at Southeastern Oklahoma State University and worked in a church office for 25 years . She and her husband , Gary , have been married 39 years and they have one son , Brandon . Karen 's hobbies are writing , sewing , and gardening . She worried - a lot . And it was my job not to worry her . It seemed to me that I had to be good to make up for my brother and all of his shenanigans . So , I didn 't push limits and I kept to just the one street . Up on the corner of my street was a small , two - bedroom house . I knew it had two bedrooms because I heard Mrs . Harris , one of our neighbors , whispering to my mother about it . Seeing that our house just had my mom and me , two bedrooms seemed plenty , but hearing how Mrs . Harris talked , I got the impression that meant it was extra small . The size took on new meaning when a family of five moved into that house over the winter . The house was a rental , so people were moving into and out of it all the time . This time , the Higgins family moved in . Nobody knew about it until the weather got warmer and we started venturing out of our houses again - and , boy did Mrs . Harris and all the other neighbors have something to say then . Mr . Higgins was a taxi driver but he often went days when no one needed a taxi ride . It was hard to tell what he was really like because he never spoke . He may have talked inside his house to Mrs . Higgins or the children , but he never spoke to or even looked at any of the neighbors . He and Mrs . Higgins had three children and another was on the way . Now that I knew how many bedrooms their house had , I did wonder how they all fit in there . Did all the kids sleep in one bedroom ? And where would the baby go when it was born ? Truth was , I couldn 't help but be a little jealous of such a large family in the tiny house . I wouldn 't have felt alone in their house . Maybe I could 've just immersed myself into the family and not let things worry me so much . The oldest child was Margaret . She was in third grade , two grades below me . People said she could 've been very pretty , but her teeth were coming in crooked . These same people would say that there was something about her that set her apart . Margaret was often put in charge of her mentally challenged brother , Junior . She did everything for him that he couldn 't do because Mrs . Higgins already had her hands full with the littlest child , Waynie . When her mother deemed it necessary , Margaret was even pulled out of school to help out . " What on earth is she going to do when she gives birth to that forth ? " My mother asked one night when we sat on the porch together and listened to Mrs . Higgins yelling at her kids . We lived half a block away and could make out every word . I felt bad for Margaret . At school , Margaret 's life wasn 't a picnic either . Kids made fun of her clothes and bullied her about how poor she was . I felt bad for not sticking up for her , but I wasn 't socially secure enough to stand up to anybody . What impressed me was how she had a way of flipping her black hair . It made it look like she could care less what those other kids thought . A part of me wished I had hair like that to flip in just that way . But then , I wasn 't bullied like she was and I was glad not to be . No matter where I went - school , home , or church - the Higgins family was the talk on everyone 's lips . Mrs . Green , one of the ladies from our church , stopped by our house one day after dropping off some donated groceries to the Higgins family . She was a florid - faced woman whose mouth was always set in a tight purse no matter what she did . When she delivered groceries to our neighbors , though , her mouth got so tight we thought it might pop right off . " You would not believe the state of that house , " Mrs . Green said . Her nose scrunched up like she smelled something bad . " She had the audacity to see my visit as a social call . " " The smell was horrific , " she said , her nostrils flaring this time , as if trying to air them out . " You could smell it from my car . " She looked out the open door to her late - model Buick LeSabre . " I hope it didn 't permeate my car ! " " Well , was she happy about the donations we took up for her family ? " my mother asked . I remembered then that we had taken some canned peaches and fruit cocktail to church with hopes Margaret might get to enjoy them . " I just do not know how that woman does it . There 's not a spot in the house to sit that isn 't covered in something . " Mrs . Green shivered . " To be polite , I pulled up an old wooden chair that seemed cleaner than the other things and watched her go through all the items like it was Christmas day . " I wasn 't sure how to interpret Mrs . Green 's snobbery . On the one hand , she had been nice to deliver those things to the Higgins family , but the way she spoke about them was the way other people talked about cockroaches and that seemed kind of mean . It was very confusing . I didn 't understand why she cared about giving a poor family groceries if she thought they were so disgusting . Since I only rode my bike up and down our street , I saw them often . One time I ventured to wave and say hi to Margaret . She looked down and half - waved back . Margaret 's eyes lit up for only a second and then she looked over at her mom . Mrs . Higgins didn 't look at me or say a word but she shook her head slowly no . Margaret looked down at her hands and shook her head too . " Don 't you come around here with that shiny new bicycle trying to make us feel poorer than we are , young lady ! " Mrs . Higgins yelled so loud I was sure everyone could hear her . " You get on out of our yard now ! We don 't need people like you trying to make us feel worse ! " I was so stunned that all I could do was stand there and stare back for a minute . I know I opened my mouth , but no sound came out . I trembled while I backed my bicycle out of their yard and rode back down the street toward my house . Karen Brode is a senior contributor Jet Planes and Coffee . She grew up in Denison , Texas and graduated from Denison High School in 1972 . She took courses at Southeastern Oklahoma State University and worked in a church office for 25 years . She and her husband , Gary , have been married 39 years and they have one son , Brandon . Karen 's hobbies are writing , sewing , and gardening . It seemed like we had been waiting hours for my Aunt Opal to get ready to go . For a while , I had paced around the living room and kitchen like my mother . She spent the time cleaning up here and tidying there . Every now and then , she 'd look down at her watch and frown . There were two little lines in between her eyebrows that were only visible when Aunt Opal visited . On this day , they etched more deeply with every minute that passed . Opal swung open the door and swished out of the bathroom . " Keep your skirt on , Hazel , " she said . " It 's not like Cleo 's gonna go hungry . " Opal ambled down the hall . Her large hips curved out from her thin upper half , giving the impression that she had been sewn together from the parts of two different body types . If anyone was going to pull it off , though , it was my Aunt Opal . All my life I had heard about how she had been the beautiful one in the family . It seemed that , even now , even though age had settled into her features and her hair had started to thin , she wasn 't going to give up on that title . That explained the expensive night cream and why she brushed her hair 100 strokes everyday , but as a ten - year - old girl with a growling stomach , I had a hard time understanding why somebody would need so long to get ready for lunch . After what seemed like another eternity , we finally got in the car . Mother drove , I sat in back , and Opal settled into the passenger seat . The first thing she did was pull the windshield visor down to look at herself in the mirror . I had to keep from rolling my eyes at this . Hadn 't she just been doing that in the bathroom ? She grinned up into the mirror and examined her front - most teeth . " Lately , this lipstick 's been rubbing off on my teeth , " she said . " I don 't know what it is . I try to look my best and then things like this happen . " I felt the car jerk a little and looked over at Mother . Even from where I sat , I could tell she was angry . Her ears turned a little pink and her grip on the steering wheel tightented . " Well , it 's the truth , " Opal said . " That Neal was an odd duck . He just glared and glared . Never said a word . " She looked over at mother and made her eyes wide in a crazy stare . Mother had always taught me to respect the dead , even if we didn 't like them when they were alive . I looked around the car , feeling uneasy about what it might mean for my aunt to talk this way about my dead uncle . It seemed to me like she was asking for trouble . " Whether he was odd or not doesn 't matter , " Mother said after a moment . " Cleo loved him . She misses him and here you are going to lunch at her house happy about his death . " " I never had one conversation with Neal , " Opal continued . " Lord knows , I tried ! What kind of conversation can you have with someone who doesn 't talk back ? " " So you 're mad at me now , " Opal said . " Just because I said how I felt about Neal ? It 's not like you adored him . We both know how controlling he was . She couldn 't say a word without his permission and you know how much she loves to talk . " When she turned from the window , though , she started back up . " You remember that he lived with his mother , don 't you ? What kind of grown man lives with his mother ? " " Hazel , I have never in my life tried to control anyone ! " She shifted in her seat a little and wiped off some imaginary dust particles from her dress . " Sure , I 've tried to make helpful suggestions , but that 's not the same as controlling people . " " Let 's just face it , Cleo was not pretty , not terribly smart , and she towered over most of the boys . Don 't get me wrong . I 'm not putting her down . I 'm simply saying what happened . By the time Neal came around , she was 18 and had never had a real boyfriend . If a few more months had gone by , she would have been declared a spinster . I mean , let 's just call a spade a spade . She was desperate . " Mother sighed . I knew that sigh . It was the one that meant she felt helpless to do or say more . Her next words were quiet , tired . " Just try to be nice , please . " We had gone several more blocks before Opal turned to face my mother . " Do you know that Cleo didn 't even know how to spell her second child 's name when she gave birth ? Anybody in their right mind would have wondered or asked someone how the name Juanelle was spelled , but she obviously didn 't know or care because I saw the birth certificate . She had written it with a W , like the way it 's pronounced . But that 's not how you spell that name ! I wanted to say something to her , but I decided to be nice . I didn 't want to cause trouble . " My mother 's face was weary . I knew she had hoped this would be a happy occasion for Cleo to see her sister . She had been so lonely after Uncle Neal had died . She seemed to be rethinking the value in having Opal there as a way to boost Cleo 's morale . Mother blinked at my aunt and then turned her eyes back to the road . The shift in tone seemed to surprise both of us . There was something in Opal 's urgency that made me lean forward and listen harder . Opal and Jewel both lived in Fort Smith , Arkansas . They usually traveled together to visit the family , but on this occasion , Opal came alone because Jewel had to work . I can remember Mother 's disappointment in learning that her other sister couldn 't come . The truth was , Mother and Jewel were the best of friends and Opal was much more difficult to deal with when Jewel wasn 't there as a buffer . " His name is Tommy , " Opal continued . " What grown man calls himself Tommy ? " Her smile spread across her face , but it wasn 't the kind of smile somebody gets when they 're happy for someone . It 's the kind of smile my aunt got when she had gossip to share . It was always mean gossip , too , and wasn 't something I liked that much . I turned to look out the window and forget about the conversation , but my aunt had a way of talking that was hard to ignore . " Well , you know Jewel isn 't classically beautiful like I am , but she has a certain sweetness of spirit . He tried to sit by me at first , but I didn 't want some old guy hanging around , so I moved as far away as I could just as soon as he sat down . But our Jewel is so gullible . He just had to smile at her once and she smiled back . Needless to say , they 've been sitting together in church for almost a month and he takes her out for dinner all the time . " " No , " Aunt Opal said . Her eyes were wide with conspiracy . " Conveniently , they all seem to be dead . Our sister is acting like a teenager . She keeps asking me which dress she should wear to go out with him for supper or picnics on Saturdays . " Opal shifted in her seat and dabbed a finger at the curls along her temple . " It 's almost more than I can stand , to tell the truth . " " The other church people are just horrified . Althea Morgan took an instant dislike to him , but I think it 's only because he didn 't try to take her out . I guess my standards are just too high . I 'll never find another Lloyd . " Mother gasped . " I hope you told Jewel that a man will not be sleeping under my roof under any circumstances . I have a little girl to think about . " Her eyes flashed up to the rearview mirror and we made eye contact . I suddenly had a feeling of dread at meeting this Tommy person . What if bad people did go to church ? Opal must have gotten the reaction she was looking for . She grinned from ear to ear . Her tone was more serious , though , when she said , " I 'm just trying to give you some advanced warning . I don 't like to see people blind - sided . " Finally , we arrived at Aunt Cleo 's house . I couldn 't have been more ready to eat and be rid of some of these conversations about terrible men . I loved Aunt Cleo . She had the most interesting collection of things on her front porch that were constantly for sale . If I hadn 't been starving , I would have stopped to look at all the toys and books she had out there . It was always changing . I never knew where she got the stuff she sold , but for a kid , it was fascinating to look through . I could see that Aunt Opal didn 't agree , though . She canned the porch and then raised her eyebrows at my mother . Mother glared back at her with her warning eyes and anything my aunt might have said disappeared behind haughty eyes . After Cleo gave us all hugs , my aunt seemed apologetic when she said , " This is my inventory that I haven 't priced yet . " She reached to the couch and moved a large Raggedy Ann doll from the couch . " I 'm going to try to get it priced and out on the front porch for tomorrow . If you see anything you want , Opal , I might could give you a special price . " She smiled warmly . " No … " Opal started . Her voice sounded harsh . Then , more softly , " No , thank you . I don 't need any earrings . " Beneath the tightness of her voice , I heard the real meaning of her words . She didn 't want to wear earrings she thought that had been dug out of someone 's trash . " I was saving this back for you , Opal , if you want it . " She pulled out what at first looked like a colorful caftan . " I know you are always looking for something comfortable to wear . " " I have nice clothes , Cleo " Opal said sounding offended . " I wouldn 't ever wear something like that . In fact , I don 't know any kind of woman who would wear something like that . " Cleo took a step back from her sister and looked at the cloth as if seeing it for the first time . The sides of her mouth dipped down . She seemed embarrassed and sad at the same time . Cleo had spent much of the summer working on the painting . It was called Pinkie and Blue Boy . If anyone asked her about them she was glad to tell people that they weren 't meant to be a pair , and were originally painted by two different artists . But like the rest of the artistic community , Cleo thought they were meant to be together . When Cleo was painting she rarely looked up even to talk to people . There were such tiny spaces that needed to be filled in with a color , and then she had to wait for the oil paint to dry . She worked arduously for hours at a time on her new project . Neal had only died a few months before , and Cleo 's grief was still fresh . My mother 's grief over the loss of my father had been plowed under more urgent matters years ago , but she knew what Cleo was going through . She was used to walking into a room and seeing only furniture , lamps , and a television where people used to laugh and talk . She knew the darkness of a day by herself in a house when no one called or came by . So , Cleo had her painting of Pinkie and Blueboy . She had Pinkie over half done , but had not yet started on Blueboy . When Opal picked up the box the painting had come in , she looked at my mother and pointed to the writing on the box . " Appropriate for ages 8 - 12 . " My mother ignored her and kept following Cleo into the kitchen . Mother instructed me to set the table while she put the water on to boil for the macaroni and cheese . Meanwhile , Aunt Opal walked around with flared nostrils , as if everything had a stench to it that was hard to place . Sitting on the counter was a package of ground meat . Opal traced a finger over the sticker that read " Reduced for Quick Sale " and made a face . She tried to get my mother 's attention , but she was too busy helping get lunch prepared . I dared not make eye contact with Aunt Opal . I did not want to be seen in league with her opinions . Finally , it was time to eat and Cleo asked Opal to say the blessing . For the first time ever , I heard my aunt falter . And then I realized she didn 't say a word about the food . Usually , when adults said grace , they were thankful for the food we were about to eat , but Aunt Opal left that part out . " I was only trying to save your life , " she hissed . " Did you see that package of ground beef ? It was warm and it was reduced for quick sale ! You 'd think you 'd be grateful to me for trying to warn you about it ! " Opal stood up then too and threw her napkin on the table . Her face had the look of someone who had bitten into a lemon . " Think what you want , but I wouldn 't eat anything from this kitchen if you paid me to . " Cleo drew herself up , shoulders back . When she stood like that , she was right at six feet tall . Any timidity she had had before completely dissolved . She was angry . " Nothing would be good enough for you , Opal . " She held out a hand which pointed to the front of the house . " So you can just leave . " I looked over at Mother . She had her head in her hands and I could tell a migraine was coming on . I silently counted on my fingers how many more days until Aunt Opal left . No matter how long it was , it seemed like an eternity . Opal stomped back through the house and Cleo followed behind . Opal picked up the caftan and held it before her sister . " Look at this . You think I want some prostitute 's cast off clothing ? Even if I did , I wouldn 't buy it from your porch sale ! " Mother slid out from the table and motioned for me to join her . I had only gotten a couple of bites of macaroni and cheese , so I was still hungry . But I did as I was told , turning back only briefly to take in the table of food . I couldn 't see what Aunt Opal did . The food looked delicious . Cleo patted her on the arm and I remember thinking it odd that Cleo was comforting my mother after all the things Opal had said . " Don 't worry , Hazel . I 've been dealing with Opal all my life . I can take care of myself . " Karen Brode is a senior contributor Jet Planes and Coffee . She grew up in Denison , Texas and graduated from Denison High School in 1972 . She took courses at Southeastern Oklahoma State University and worked in a church office for 25 years . She and her husband , Gary , have been married 39 years and they have one son , Brandon . Karen 's hobbies are writing , sewing , and gardening . I stood at the kitchen counter slicing carrots for soup . I don 't know what is happening to you . You are changing in front of my eyes , and I want to grab onto you and pull you back to normal . When I took you to the neurologist yesterday , he told us to start looking for a nursing home for you . You looked at me and winked as if it was a big joke . And it is . I have no intention of you ever going to a nursing home . You came to our house to spend the night . I look forward to these visits . When Brandon was little , it was the highlight of his week . Brandon would run out to your car and help you carry in your things . I 've reminded Brandon often that once someone loves you as much as you loved Brandon , it doesn 't go away - ever . As time goes by , I see that you are getting worse . I feel shadows and darkness gathering closer to me . Even on days when the sun is shining , the light seems murky and eerie and not like real sunshine at all . Yesterday , I got in my car and drove with no destination in mind . I screamed in my car where no one could hear me . I have begged God to not let this happen to you . Or if it has to happen to you , I beg God to take you now before you get any worse . I know I can 't stand for you to get any worse . Today I made some calls to local nursing homes . I have finally reached the point where I know that this is our only option . To leave you in your home would be negligent . I went to your house tonight . It is the last evening you will ever be at home . You had several trash bags in your living room . You were putting things in the bags . I looked in one and found a pitcher , a puzzle , and a picture of me from high school . Each of these items started with the letter " P . " I still try to make sense of the things you do . You went to the nursing home today . I watched you walk down the sidewalk into the nursing home . My heart ached when I remembered my promise to myself and to you that you would never go to a nursing home . I had hoped and prayed that God would intervene , but He did not . You sat on your bed . I gave you some cookies to eat and hung up your clothes in the closet . There seemed to be so much more of an explanation I should make to you . When I woke this morning my first thought was that you are in the nursing home , and I must go and get you . I was certain that you felt as if we had abandoned you . You probably didn 't even know where you were . You waited until your silence caused me to look back at you . Then you stared me right in the eye and said , " I know what you 're up to . You just want to get rid of me . " You might as well have slapped me . I stood in your doorway and felt my legs tremble . I never wanted this for you , for us , but I would never convince you of that . It would be along time before I would ever know peace again . The nursing home called to tell me that you had gone out the door and started walking down the road . They wanted me to come talk to you . They said that if you kept doing that , they would have to put you in restraints . When I got there , you shrugged and said , " I wasn 't lost . " You pointed somewhere only you could see . " I was only going across the field to visit Mama . " Your sister , Opal , called me from Arkansas today . She told me to bring you home from that nursing home . She hasn 't seen you . She can 't comprehend what has happened to you . There 's no way to explain in a phone call what has happened to you . There 's no way to explain what has happened to you if I had days and days . Today was your first birthday in the nursing home . Gary , Brandon , and I took you out to eat at a restaurant . While we were eating , I asked you what you had done that day . You said you had made some pies . The first time I saw you in a posey vest restraint , I didn 't think I could stand it . I wanted to rip it off you and take you out of there . But where would I take you ? You broke your hip yesterday . Seeing you in physical pain is so hard now because you don 't understand what has happened . I have to keep explaining to you that you broke your hip , and a few minutes later , you ask me again what happened . Doctors and caregivers dismiss you and direct their questions to me . If only there was something I could do to make all of this go away for you , I would do it . You had hip surgery today . When you were in surgery , I thought maybe you would die a peaceful painless death and all of this would be over . But you woke up to your confused upside - down world . It 's almost Christmas . Brandon has been in several track meets but I have not attended any . It seems to be all I can do to absorb what has happened to you . I thought after the first Christmas with you in the nursing home , I would have a pattern to go by , but this Christmas fills me with dread . How will I ever get through the rest of my life ? Does it ever get any easier , Mother ? It 's Christmas Eve . It seems like a cruel joke , actually . All the glitzy decorations and the songs I used to like seem wrong and mean . We gave you your presents and sat with you for awhile . You asked me the same questions over and over and I tried to be patient with you . I know you can 't help it . You wanted to know where my father is . You asked again and again why your parents have not come to visit you . Today , I helped you up out of the wheelchair and you stumbled , but then you took small steps as I held tightly onto you . You weren 't walking well , but it 's progress ! I looked at the elation on your face and felt such joy in my own heart . You are getting better and coming back to us instead of always floating farther and farther away . Today is Brandon 's 17th birthday . We talked about his birth and first few days in this world . When I got to the part about Gary and I bringing Brandon home from the hospital to your house , my voice broke . I didn 't mean for it to happen . I wanted this to be a happy time for Brandon . I described you coming out into the yard and meeting Gary and wrapping Baby Brandon up in your arms and carrying him into your house . You gave him his first bath and your arms held him when he whimpered in the night . Your voice comforted him during those first few days of his life . He learned so much love from you mother . It 's a lot for all of us to lose . A whole lot . I used to think Aunt Winnie was so silly to make so much of family , but here I am feeling the same way . I feel so alone . I keep thinking that there is someone I have overlooked - someone who would help me - if I could just think of who it is . I haven 't seen you in almost a month . Brandon was in a wreck on August 5th . We heard the sirens in the distance and a feeling came over me . You know how those feelings are . I knew that it was Brandon - deep in my soul . My legs were jelly when I saw the wreck . I ran screaming across the field to get as close to him as I could . I walked right up to the car past the paramedics and looked at him but he didn 't know I was there . He had several life - threatening injuries , but he was alive . My Brandon was alive . He didn 't die in that wreck . It 's all I could think about - how close I came to losing my future so quickly on the heels of losing my past . Brandon walked across the stage and claimed his high school diploma tonight . He still limps a little , but he 's alive . When he was little , I thought the days would never end and he would never settle down and go to sleep . Now all those days are gone . You told me this time would come , Mother . Now I would love to have some of that other time back . Is that the way you feel , too ? Your sister , Jewel , died today . I didn 't tell you . I know that she was your favorite . You told me that she always took time to read stories to you when you were a little girl . I 'm glad you had such a sweet older sister . When you get to heaven , Jewel will be there waiting for you . November 24 , 1996 Another Thanksgiving has come . Brandon helped me with cooking . I know you probably cannot imagine it , but Brandon is 21 . Sometimes it seems as if everything stopped when you got sick and that Brandon will be forever 16 . But time has marched on . I came to visit you at the nursing home today . But of course it wasn 't you I saw . It was what is left of you . You were sitting in the dining room holding your doll . I pretend that the doll is a baby because I would do anything to make your life a little happier . There are times when I can 't cry . Those are the worst times . I feel as if I don 't have any more tears . It doesn 't make any earthly sense to me that you have kept on living all these years . Your sister , Opal , died last week . I sent flowers to Jewel 's funeral , but I just couldn 't make myself send flowers to Opal 's . You would be ashamed of me , I guess . I so wish I could come and sit down and talk to you about everything that has happened . There are so many things I need to tell you . Brandon is getting married in August . I know that to you , Brandon is still a little baby , but in reality he is a grown man . You have been there every step of his life , and I don 't think any of us know what to do without you . Life is so much harder than we ever thought it would be . I feel as if I have been at your funeral for six years . I don 't know if I will ever adjust to you not being you . I don 't want to remember you like this ! At times when this facsimile of you talks , I listen close and strain to hear what my real Mother would say . My heart yearns to share this burden with you . Would you understand how painful this has been ? Would you be surprised at what you have become and the anguish and sorrow your illness has caused ? There are no rituals or traditions to follow in this long goodbye . There is only grief and sadness every day . There are no days off , no closure , no time to grieve and move on . Your death is a living death and you don 't even know that you have died . Karen Brode is a senior contributor Jet Planes and Coffee . She grew up in Denison , Texas and graduated from Denison High School in 1972 . She took courses at Southeastern Oklahoma State University and worked in a church office for 25 years . She and her husband , Gary , have been married 39 years and they have one son , Brandon . Karen 's hobbies are writing , sewing , and gardening . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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