Most if not all of my readers from Crockett knew or knew of Nat Patton . His father , Nat Patton Senior was the U . S . Representative from 1935 - 1945 . After leaving congress he served as the Houston County Attorney and died in 1957 . His son was forever known as Little Nat . He was very short in stature which added validity to the title . My grandfather owned a small grocery store at 1116 E . Houston Avenue , and our house was next door . Little Nat and his wife Eleanor lived less than a quarter of a mile from the store and one or both of them came in almost every day . I can 't remember when I didn 't know Little Nat . He was the Houston County Attorney the entire time I was growing up in Crockett . You have all heard people say of someone , " He knows everybody in town . " If Nat didn 't know everybody he came closer than anyone else . He was soft spoken and friendly to all . I never saw him come in the store that he didn 't talk to each customer . If they were a stranger to him they weren 't by the time they left . I remember walking in one day when there were eight or ten customers . George Satterwhite was at the counter and Nat spoke to him immediately and shook his hand . Nat then began circulating through the aisles speaking to everyone else . George smiled and said , " Watch this ! " He walked down the aisle next to Nat and then approached him from behind . Nat turned around , shook his hand and said , " George Satterwhite , how are you doing ? Nice to see you . How is Ann doing ? " George spoke to him and walked back to the counter laughing . " I could do that all day , " he said . My mother ran the grocery store until I was in junior high , or thereabouts . Small neighborhood stores were becoming a thing of the past . She leased it to Max Petty and took another job . After that I wasn 't in the store nearly as much as I 'd been in the past , but I still ran into Little Nat on a regular basis . He would always ask me about my family , school , and whatever else was on his mind . After I left for college in Nacogdoches my encounters with him were rare . Teresa and I were married in December of 1974 and moved to Wichita Falls where my mother and stepfather were then living . We missed living in Crockett , so in November of 1975 we moved back . I had almost completed my degree in Criminal Justice at Stephen F . Austin State University , so applied for a job at the Crockett State School . It was a facility for juvenile delinquents and I was hired to work as a Youth Activities Supervisor . In state speak than means watch ' em and don 't let anyone get away . Most of the boys were in a camping program in the national forest , so my only contact was with the ones who got locked up on campus for some infraction . I worked nights so the ones I did see were asleep most of the time . That was fine with me . There were not Crockett natives on staff at the school , and a great many didn 't live in Crockett at all . Most were recent college graduates of area colleges and still lived in the town where they had attended school . I was one of the very few on the Y . A . S . staff who knew most of the locals . It was common for a student in the camping program to take off in the middle of the night , and more often than not they would find them wandering along a dirt road in the forest tired , hungry and scared . Every now and then one would make their way to a house and steal a vehicle . When crimes were committed it became necessary for the school officials to work with the city and county law enforcement personnel , and of course , the county attorney , Little Nat Patton . One morning I had just finished my shift at 8am when one of the new upper level bosses pulled me aside . He was about to go to the courthouse to ask the county attorney for some help regarding some problem . He had never met Nat Patton , but there were rumors he was a real character and a mess to deal with . Someone on the faculty suggested he take me with him to meet with Nat . I told him I 'd love to go . I hadn 't seem Nat in a long while and I knew it would be fun . The plan was for me to introduce him to Nat , then sit back and keep my mouth shut while he made some kind of pitch for assistance . He had tried without success the day before to get in touch with Nat , but a secretary had said to stop in the following morning and he could give him a few minutes . We arrived at the courthouse about 9am and the receptionist said he could talk to us for about fifteen minutes before going to another meeting . The receptionist knew me and we talked for a couple of minutes . My boss was all smiles . He was confident I could help him break the ice with Nat . About five minutes later Little Nat came out and ushered us into the office . He didn 't know I was coming along . His first words were , " Little Jimmy ! How are you doing ? Come in and sit down . How is you mother ? Do they like living in Wichita Falls ? I sure miss seeing all of you at the grocery store . I remember you running around there when you were just a baby ! " This went on and on . I smiled and answered him when I got a chance . My boss was looking at his watch as the allotted fifteen minutes were quickly slipping away . Little Nat never slowed up . A couple of times the state school official tried to diplomatically break in and state his case with Nat , but to no avail . Finally Nat noticed the clock on the wall . He stood up , shook my hand and said , " Jimmy , it was so nice to see you again . Come by the office and visit anytime . Tell the family hello . I 've got to get to a meeting . " He shook hands with my boss once again and said , " Thanks for bringing Jimmy by to see me . Nice to meet you . " With that he walked out of his office and down the hall . As long as I can remember there has been a Garden of the Month Club in Crockett . Unless there is a severe drought which makes water rationing necessary the lawns are lush and green . Flowerbeds are in full bloom and sidewalks are lined with the most beautiful flowers you can imagine . Each month in the Spring and Summer season an award is given to the proud owner of the yard judged to be the finest at the time . An article appears in the Houston County Courier recognizing the lucky recipient along with a photo of the property . A very nice sign is placed in the yard near the street so everyone passing by will know they are the big cheese , at least for that month . Not far from my house lived an elderly man named Elwood Allbright . He was a widower and in failing health . I would see him around town in his big stationwagon , and be ready to flee if necessary . His eyesight wasn 't good and most felt it was only a matter of time he might whack someone . He was a very nice man who talked to everyone and was somewhat of a local character . Elwood was in no shape to take care of his yard , so he hired a local landscaping company to make some changes so he wouldn 't have to worry about the upkeep . At the time this wasn 't as common as it is now . Landscaping in Crockett back in the day was green grass and flowers and not much else . When the job was finished it was a topic of conversation around town and lots of people drove by to check out the results . To be fair it did what it was supposed to . The lawn was covered with gravel instead of grass , which was the point in the first place . There were some wagon wheels and pieces of driftwood scattered here and there as well as rocks of various sizes . It was so different by the standards of the time it resulted in a lot of jokes and comments . One evening my friend and neighbor , Steven Satterwhite and I were roaming the streets looking for something to do . We made our way to town , circled the courthouse square and started back home . We were walking since we were too young to drive . As we started down Goliad Avenue we passed the First Methodist Church . The parsonage was located next door , and there in the middle of a huge flowerbed was the Garden of the Month sign . We were in awe . Neither of us had ever been that close to it before . Stephen and I both were pretty sick and twisted individually , but when we got together our demented thoughts seemed to link up . Almost instantly we had the same idea ; steal the sign and put in the yard of Elwood Allbright ! His landscaped yard was still drawing a crowd so it was up to us to give them something else to talk about . It was dark and the yard was full of large trees so we weren 't concerned about getting caught . I stood watch while Stephen stepped carefully into the flowerbed and removed the major award . Each of us grabbed an end and we began our journey of almost a mile to the residence we had elected to host the honor . We knew there would be some tongues wagging come daylight the next morning . East Goliad Avenue had a lot of streetlights back then , and it seemed to us like there was more traffic than usual . Every few yards a car would approach from one direction or the other . Each time we would toss the sign on the ground and slowly move along . As soon as the car past by we would run back , retrieve the sign and continue on . It took us a good forty - five minutes to reach our destination . We figured we could push the sign into the soft ground and take off quickly , but we hadn 't accounted for the yard being covered in rocks . The sign didn 't easily go into the soil , or go into the soil at all . It was apparent we would break it if not careful . In Crockett that might be a capital offense . We finally leaned it against a dead log and piles rocks around the legs . This was done between running and hiding in the bushes each time a car passed . After the mission was accomplished we both went home . I didn 't tell anyone about it and neither did Stephen . A couple of days later there was a picture in the paper of the sign in the yard of Elwood Allbright with a couple of lines about it being the work of some local pranksters . We did tell a few friends about it , but nobody cared . I say nobody cared , but the Garden of the Month people were probably upset . Rodents have never been my favorite creatures . Luckily I 've never had to deal with them many times . I 've caught them in inhumane traps that broke their nasty little necks , I 've used the sticky traps , and poisoned them with Decon . Once I had a bad experience with hamsters . A couple of months before we moved to Colorado Springs from Texas , our kids were given a couple of hamsters as pets . There was a male and a female , and both were well up in hamster years . The kids loved them . It might have been the change in altitude , or maybe it was just their time to go , but both passed on during the move . The kids were devistated . After settling in we took the kids to Pet City to pick out a new pair of rodents . We asked for either two males or two females . We wanted a combination that wouldn 't reproduce . " No problem , " said the salesman . He went through the fake motions of checking a few of them , boxed up a couple , and we were on our way . The kids were happy , and in a few weeks when a litter of babies arrived they were thrilled to have more pets . The cage filled up rapidly , and finally Teresa made a high rise apartment complex out of hardware cloth to house the ever increasing herd . By the time summer rolled around they were begining to eat one another in spite of being fed regularly . Something had to be done . Thankfully Teresa and the kids went to Texas for a few weeks , leaving me alone with the little cannibals . I purchased the largest box of Decon available and put a large pile in each cube before going to work . When I got home I rushed to the garage to view the bodies . They were running all over the place like little freaky looking puppies . The Decon energized them and they wanted more . I dumped them all into a big box and sneaked down the alley until I was behind a house with lots of kids . I let the little devils go and ran away as fast as I could . I told the kids they ran away . In 1979 we moved from Wichita Falls back to Crockett where I 'd taken a job with Bennett Equipment Company . Wayne and Buffy Williams had a rent house on Old Madisonville Highway and offered it to us for a very reasonable rate . It needed some work done before we could move in , so we found a duplex that rented month to month to give us a place to live while the house was finished . The couple in the other apartment seemed nice , and at first didn 't seem to fear us . About the third night we were there that all changed . At 2am Teresa woke me up to say there were mice running about in the kitchen , and suggested I do something about it . At 2am there aren 't many options available to kill mice . I took the . 22 rifle from the closet , loaded it with rat shot , and the battle was on . I turned on the kitchen light and immediately saw small gray bodies scurrying to safety . I stood still for a few seconds deciding the best course of action . A very old electric clock hung on the wall . The cord was plugged in behind a plastic trash can in the space between the refrigerator and the kitchen cabinet . The cord appeared to be moving back and forth ever so slightly . A few seconds later I saw a little nose just above the edge of the can . I drew a bead on the nose , and when the rest of the head appeared I blasted it all over the wall . Teresa came running . She started to say something , but decided to go check on the kids in case the gunfire had disturbed them . A mouse ran out from under the refrigerator , looked at me , and turned to run . I shot him before he could make a move . Another appeared and I slaughtered him as well . A couple of minutes passed with no sightings . Just as I was about to grab the paper towels and clean up the goo , another mouse ran by me and into a small hole in the side of the cabinet . I opened the door , and there he was , hiding behind a bunch of Tupperware against the back wall . He was moving in and out between the bowls . I fired several shots before I finally ended his little lice infested life . I called out to Teresa that they were all dead . In my mind I had done exactly what I 'd been asked to do . The mice were dead . Job well done . I figured the Tupperware was just collateral damage which happens occasionally in the heat of battle . Teresa didn 't see it that way at all . I was mentally preparing my defense , but nothing came to mind that would help my case . I promised to clean up the mouse guts and buy some more Tupperware . That was a little over thirty years ago , and I 'm going to buy it any day . The neighbors who had been so outgoing the day before seemed alarmed by our presence . When we drove up they would gather their kids and run inside . A month later we moved out . After everything had been moved I went back to clean up . Naturally I had my rifle , just in case . As I made a final pass through the house , a mouse ran across the floor right in front of me . I got off a couple of shots , but missed . The mouse ran into the hall closet with me in hot pursuit . There was a small hole in the wall which probably led to the closet in the other unit . I stuck the barrel into the hole and fired a couple of shots for good measure . Teresa has never asked me to kill a mouse again . Once she gets that new Tupperware she will cool off . I 've been asked several times how things are going with Rolling Thunder . Each Sunday when I return to work everyone wants to know if anything new happened while we were off . When I left off he had shown me half of a steel shelving unit he had assembled and told me my project was to put the other half together , connect the two , take everything out of his closet , put the new one in , and haul all the old stuff to the dumpster . I managed to avoid him for a couple of weeks . Two weeks went by without an encounter . I had several close calls , but managed to keep enough distance to avoid talking to him . I knew my luck would run out . We work every Sunday , twelve hour shifts , and as a result we go to bed early on Saturday night . Last month , on Saturday afternoon , I put on a load of laundry in the dryer upstairs . There is a larger room downstairs , but Rolling Thunder hangs around there a lot and I wasn 't going to take any chances . I went to Wal Marcus while the clothes were finishing . On my return I looked through the glass door before entering the hallway from the outside . Sure enough , there sat RT in the middle of the hall , looking around in every direction . He was , you guessed it , looking for me . I walked around to the side door and entered quietly . I peeked around the corner and saw him talking to someone . His back was to me so I took the opportunity to scurry down the hall like a scared hamster and go into our apartment . Teresa said he had already been to our door twice looking for me . He needed help with a cabinet he had just bought . He was in a panic . She had seen him going up and down the hall hunting for me . She told him I had gone to the store , so he wanted to be sure I didn 't get back in the building without talking to him . grabbed the laundry basket and looked into the hallway . I saw him rolling into the laundry room at the other end of the hall . I ran for the stairway and retrieved our laundry from the upstairs dryers . When I came back he was in the hallway looking around again . As luck would have it a small group of people came through the door from the outside and were headed down the hall in his direction . Like an indian hiding behind his pony I hunkered down and followed them as far as my door . I jumped inside and shut the door . Teresa told me he had come back again while I was getting the clothes out of the dryer . She had supper fixed , so I ate before going down the hall to see what he needed . I figured I might as well get it over with or he would be at our door every few minutes . He had a small cabinet with three drawers he needed put together . As he was telling me the tale I noticed the steel shelves were assembled and in his closet . Apparently he has others to help when I 'm in hiding . He showed me a large rack of clothes and said he was going to put them in the little cabinet . He is getting ready in case FEMA shows up soon to put us all in concentration camps . He wants to be able to load up everything quckly and head for the high country . I could tell right way it would be a quick job , or at least one I could get the majority finished in half an hour or so . He rolled off to get a catalog to show me all the new stuff he was going to order . I quickly sent Teresa a text and asked for an emergency phone call in thirty minutes . He said there was no hurry ; I could come back the next morning and finish . I told him I worked Sunday through Wednesday and wouldn 't be able to . He told me I could take it home with me and work on it each night after work . I told him no , I could get most of it done right then . I had most of it put together when Teresa called . The last part consisted of tightening about six screws . I left . Teresa just kept on walking , but like the dumbass I am I went inside . He had a little cabinet with some bins for shoes and three small drawers , or so the picture indicated . It was on a pile on the floor which resembled a pile of rubble you see on the news after a tornado has destroyed a trailer park . " I need you to put this together for me , and then I 'll show you a picture of the other cabinets and new computer desk I have coming in next week . You sure are going to have a lot of projects ! " Luckily for me , not for my son , Jamie , I had to pick him up at the dentist after he got his wisdom tooth pulled . I told RT I was going to be busy all afternoon and had to pick up my son at the dentist . He said he understood and would be looking for me . There sat RT blocking my way . I told him we were headed out of town . He said he would see me when we got back . We got back late . The next morning , Saturday , I was busy . Both kids and their families were coming over for the afternoon . Just before noon I had to go to the store for Teresa . Out of habit and instinct for self preservation I went in the side door to the hallway . Just before I peeked around the corner and down the hall I could hear RT . There were lots of people going back and forth and he was asking each of them if they would put his cabinet together . Everyone said no . I could hear him giving someone a long explanation about the impending FEMA attack when I realized his voice was getting closer . Like a total wimp I quickly walked up the stairs . The last thing I heard him say was , " Well , I 'll just see if Jimmy is home . He puts all my stuff together . " After a couple of minutes , plenty of time for Teresa to send him on his way , I called her cell phone . She had told him I had gone to the store and we were going to have company , so I would be busy all afternoon . He told her he would find someone else and he left . A few minutes ago I saw the UPS truck in front of the office and RT rolling up the hall , most likely headed to pick up my latest project . It is time to go into super stealth mode again . The adventure continues . Crockett had a total of four funeral homes while I was growing up . Callaway Funeral Home and Waller Funeral Home served the white community while Woodley - Wheeler Funeral Home and McCullough Funeral Home served the black community . The racial makeup of Crockett was roughly fifty - fifty , with possibly a few more among the black population . Three of the four were well respected and I never heard anything negative about them . The McCullough Funeral Home was a different story . The McCullough Funeral Home was owned and operated by M . B . " Marcello " McCullough . It was located in a large house near the railroad tracks and was a spooky looking place . McCullough lived on the premises and he fit right in with the mystique of property . He was a large man and was always dressed in black attire as one who had seen enough horror movies would come to expect . He could be seen walking around the property at all hours with a solemn look on his face . He and his funeral home were the personification of what spawns local legends and scary stories . There were so many stories told and accusations made about him there was no way to know what was true and what wasn 't . The ones I 'm about to relate fall into the category of the unknown . All the years I lived in Crockett there was no such thing as a private ambulance service . Each funeral home had at least one hearse fitted with first aid equipment , a siren and red lights . It was still a segregated community in a lot of ways , and the ambulance service was a prime example . When the police or sheriff 's department were called to an accident , the race of the victims dictated which funeral home got the call . White victims were picked up by Callaway or Waller , and black victims were serviced by Woodley - Wheeler or McCullough . An integrated wreck meant at least two ambulances were summoned . It was rumored that McCullough was removed from the call list . When victims of an accident were transported to the hospital and arrived alive , the funeral home had to collect their fee for services rendered and it was entirely their responsibility . If the victims were dead on arrival the funeral home would receive a payment from the county , so they wouldn 't be left completely out in the cold if there was nobody for them to bill . If more than one funeral home responded and there were multiple casualties , they would cover as many bodies as possible with their sheets to " claim them . " Apparently McCullough didn 't like to go through the bother of collecting from the victims . All of a sudden a disturbing pattern began to develop . An accident victim might have only minor injuries when McCullough picked them up , but they were dead by the time they reached the hospital . Nothing was ever proven , but the survival rate went way up when McCullough was removed from the rotation . I have no idea if that was true , but I heard it again and again when I was a kid . The casket stories made the rounds as well . It was said McCullough once provided a casket for a young man in his twenties . He was nearly seven feet tall , so an extra long casket was ordered and the parents were charged a considerable sum for it . Once the body was placed in the casket they wanted to spend some time alone with their son . The casket didn 't appear to be any longer than a standard model , so they called McCullough in and questioned him . He assured them it was indeed the longer model their son required . Finally they demanded he open the casket because something was amiss . He refused and the sheriff was summoned . Finally McCullough relented and opened the casket . The legs of the young man had been sawed off and put in the casket beside him . The casket was indeed the standard length . It was widely suspected that McCullough only had one casket in his possession . He would show it to the grieving family and make them a deal they couldn 't pass up . After the graveside service was over and the family departed , he would dump the body into the grave , fill in the hole , and return the casket to the funeral home to be used again and again . I worked on Mustang Prairie Ranch from the time I was in junior high off and on until I was a senior . I worked with a lot of black mechanics , cowboys and equipment operators . All of them knew McCullough and were the source of most of the tales . Over the years I got to know them well and realized they weren 't joking around when the subject of McCullough came up . To the man they considered him a sinister figure and a person to be avoided . They would never make eye contact with him if they accidentally came near him when in town . They all expressed the belief that death was imminent if McCullough looked them directly in the eye for any length of time . My only real connection with McCullough came through my life long friend , Bruce Bennett . His family owned a grocery store as well as the John Deere dealership . Bruce worked at both places while growing up , and as a result crossed paths with McCullough on a regular basis . All the tales I had heard from my co - workers at Mustang Prairie had been told to Bruce by customers at the the grocery store and the tractor dealership . Bruce told me of a funny and disturbing incident that happened in front of their grocery store . McCullough was in the store picking up a few things and rambling on about a variety of subjects . As always most of the customers stayed as far away from him as possible . A bread truck was parked in front of the building having just made a delivery . A local handyman was approaching rapidly on his bicycle . He was full of the spirit , the bottled kind , and was gaining speed by the second . He wasn 't the safest person around when he was sober , and that wasn 't very often . Everyone in the area kept an eye out for him at all times . As he rounded the corner he lost control and slammed into the back of the bread truck , knocking him out cold . Everyone inside the store heard the crash and came outside to investigate . Crockett is a small town and he was known to all , as was McCullough . The drunk was on the ground unconscious between the truck and the rear of McCullough 's stationwagon . As the stunned group looked on , McCullough leaned over the man for a couple of seconds . He opened the back of the stationwagon , grabbed the man under his arms and began loading him up . Finally someone asked if an ambulance should be called . McCullough just shrugged and said , " No , he is just about gone . I 'm going to take him on down to the funeral home . " He had the man about halfway into the vehicle when he came to . The first thing he saw was the face of McCullough looking him in the eye . Of course he knew who McCullough was and the threat of a direct stare . He screamed and crawled out of the stationwagon as fast as he could . He ran down the street yelling and disappeared into the trees . McCullough never said another word . He shut the door , got into the car and drove away . The incident added even more fuel to the fire of the McCullough legend . Each Sunday morning the local radio station would air programs in fifteen minute incriments . Most programs featured a message from the preacher of the local churches . McCullough purchased a time slot and delivered his own message . Most listeners would be hard pressed to tell you what in the hell the message was at the end of the broadcast , but I can attest to the fact that it was always entertaining . My lifelong friend , college roommate and fellow smartass , Ed Driskill , was the disc jockey on duty during most of those Sunday morning broadcasts . He got to know everyone with a show , although the majority we taped in advance . McCullough always came to the station and did his live . Needless to say , McCullough was his favorite by far . Ed , Bruce Bennett and I ran around together a lot , and Ed always had a McCullough story . It was at his urging that Bruce and I began to tune in on Sunday mornings to hear what McCullough would come up with next . McCullough had a charge account at Bennett 's Grocery . Since McCullough didn 't have any sponsors , he devised a plan to help with the expenses . He made it a point each week to heap loads of praise upon those fine folks at Bennett 's Grocery . He would get on a roll and make up sales that were in progress ; sales nobody at the grocery store knew anything about . He would also rave about Bennett Equipment , located across the street from the grocery store . I heard him say on many occasions that " Mr . Leon Bennett will trade for horses , cows , chickens and all kinds of things . " Mr . Leon wasn 't thrilled about the publicity he was receiving , nor was Bruces ' grandfather , Mr . John Hazlett , who ran the grocery store . On Monday McCullough would go to the grocery store and ask that a little bit be taken off of his bill as payment for the advertising he had done on his show . They finally struck a deal . McCullough would receive a discount if he DIDN ' T advertise for them the day before . McCullough didn 't have any particular theme for his show . He would ramble from one subject to the next and you to pay close attention to recognize the changes . He never failed to thank " Mr . Eddie Driskill , the fine disc jockey at this here station . " On many occasions he said Eddie was a most pro - efficient disc jockey . Ed actually put that on his resume in later years , and had to explain it during job interviews . McCullough liked to end each broadcast by reading a short passage taken from the FFA creed . Under normal circumstances it took him about a minute to accomplish it and end the show . Like the pro - efficient disc jockey he was , Ed would cue McCullough when he had a minute left . Of course , being the smartass he was ( is ) , occasionally he would tell him he only had forty - five seconds left . McCullough wasn 't easy to understand anyway , and when he was in a hurry it was mostly babble . He would launch into his final statement and you couldn 't understand a single word , until the very end . His last words were always spoken slow and clear . . . . " and above all , play the game fair . " One Saturday evening as we were gathered in the dining room at the Dairy Queen , Eddie told Bruce and I to be sure and catch the McCullough show the next morning . He asked me if I still had my cassette tape recorder and I said I did . He told me to be sure and tape the show . The next morning McCullough began the show with a long list of people he was dedicating the show to . Mostly they were people to whom he owed money . I think he named every adult in the Bennett family . At the very end he named , " Mr . Bruce Bennett and Mr . Jimmy Beasley . . . two of my biggest fans . " He knew Bruce well , but he didn 't know me at all . I was included at Ed 's urgung and he garbled my name a little , but I didn 't care . It was a proud moment in my young life . He named Bruce and I again a few weeks later . He dedicated serveral shows to Ed over the years . A couple of years later I was in college and hadn 't thought of McCullough for a long while . Somehow we got on the subject and began to recall all the stories we had heard . About 2am Eugene May said , " I 've got an idea . Let 's call McCullough ! " Thankfully those were the days before caller ID or Eugene might still be in prison . I would be out since I was only the accomplice and would have hopefully received a lighter sentence . Eugene had been sitting around thinking of a good story for McCullough . Eugene delivered groceries to some houses in the same area of town as the funeral home was located , and one of his customers left their porch light on twenty - four hours a day . He fixed up the tape recorder to catch the entire conversation , then placed the call . McCullough answered on the second ring . " Mr . McCullough , you 've got to help me . I was down to the Jolly Joy Saturday night and gots to drinkin ' with this dude . He was from out of town , and he offered to drive me home ' cause I was too drunk to drive . I told him he could spend the night on my couch . I got up early Sunday morning and went to Houston to work on a job down there . I just got back a little while ago and that dude be dead on my couch ! " " Mr . McCullough , can you come get this body ? I don 't know what to do ! I can 't call the high sheriff ' cause he might ' spect foul play . Please Mr . McCullough , I need help . " " This is Jesse Ward at . . . . . . When are you goin ' to pick up this damn body ? That dude done nearly rotted through my couch ! Maggots are marchin ' in formation all over the floor and buzzards be peekin ' in the windows ! " " I went to that house and there wasn 't no dead body there ! You better hope I never find out who you is or you will be sorry ! You hear me ? " A few months later we were out for summer vacation . Bruce and I were riding around and I told him about Eugene making the calls to McCullough , probably for the tenth time . Out of the blue Bruce said , " Let 's go to the funeral home and talk to him . " McCullough was sitting on his porch in the dark . Bruce announced our presence as soon as he opened his car door . McCullough immediately invited us to join him . For the next hour we just sat and listened . He was happy to have a live audience and he made the most of it . We got a long version of the radio show without the dedications and commercials . We had a blast . A few months later the McCullough Funeral Home burned to the ground and Marcello McCullough perished in the fire . As far as I know a cause was never determined . He died as he lived , a mystery and a local legend . A couple of months ago we moved from an upstairs apartment to a downstairs unit . Even after having both knees replaced a couple of years ago , Teresa still has a lot of problems . Walking up and down the stairs each day was a burden she didn 't need . It eliminated a lot of travel and we love it . A side effect was inheriting a new crop of neighbors . There is a man who lives in an apartment on the first floor near the link whom I 've only seen a few times in the past year . He is disabled and is confined to a wheelchair most of the time . He has only one leg , and although he has an artificial one , I 've only seen him wearing it a couple of times . I 'd spoken to him each time we passed in the hall and he usually just said hello and gave me a brochure from the church he attends . Last month , on a rainy Wednesday things changed . He was standing outside the door to the link in the rain with two small grocery bags in his hands . Entry to the building requires a keycard , and he was frantically looking for his . I rushed over and opened the door for him . He stepped into the dry hallway and thanked me . As I continued my journey to the post office boxes I heard him ask , " Could you do something else for me ? " He said , " I 'm going to take these bags to my apartment . I have some more in my truck , but I 'm too tired to go back out in the rain to get them . Would you get them for me and bring them to my apartment ? " I ran to his truck through the pouring rain and retrieved the other bags . I delivered them to his apartment and asked , " Is there anything else I can help you with ? " " Yes , there is , " he said . " I have a five drawer cabinet and a computer desk in the back of the truck I need brought in . Will you do it for me ? " Well , the five drawer cabinet was in a big box and weighed almost as much as me . I was whipped when I finally got it to the apartment . " The computer desk is a lot lighter , but it also needs to be assembled , " he said . I decided to assemble the five drawer chest first . After it the computer desk should be a breeze . I couldn 't believe how many parts there were to a piece of Chinese furniture with the appearance of a giant jigsaw puzzle . There were racks and cabinets throughout the living room and bedroom . I wasn 't sure why he needed another one , but it was none of my business . All the work had to be done on the floor , which brings me to the carpet . The carpet was nastier than words can describe . He had a nice vacuum cleaner in the kitchen , but apparently he didn 't want to risk burning it up by running over the carpet . My feet felt like they were going stick with each step on the carpet , and getting down on my knees or sitting down to put pieces together sent chills up my spine . I felt like the need for a tetanus shot after the first five minutes . The smell was even worse . I soon found out why . There is no smoking allowed in our complex . He had disabled the smoke alarms , and most of the day was spent chain smoking with a towel placed along the bottom of the door to hide the odor from the outside . My eyes and lungs were burning . As soon as I started he went to his room and turned up his stereo full blast . This was just before the predicted rapture , so he was mostly listening to Amazing Grace over and over , and singing along at the top of his voice . Every ten minutes or so he would come back to the living room and tell me the rapture was going to come the following Saturday . I was tempted to ask him why he needed more furniture if he would be gone in a week , but I didn 't . Pretty soon I adjusted to the poisonous atmosphere and was making progress . He entered the room once again with a fanny pack in his lap . I looked up in time to see him pull out a . 45 caliber pistol , which almost made me soil his carpet ever further . " Look what I have ! " he said . " If you ever need any help down the hall , you just call me . I 'll be right there . " " Oh no ! I 'm missing two clips ! I hope none of my sorry buddies came to to steal my medications and took the clips ! Can you go to my truck and see if you can find them ? " Of course I jumped at the opportunity to get the hell out of there and get some fresh air . I opened the passenger door of his truck and there were two fully loaded clips on the seat . I took them inside and gave them to him . It settled him down considerably . He returned to his room . A little later he asked me to come to his room and meet his fiance whom he was talking to online . I struggled to my feet and went in for an introduction . The connection was bad and I said hello as instructed . After a couple of minutes I excused myself and went back to work . He came in a few minutes later and told me about his fiance . She is a twenty - five year old living in the Philippines . According to him she is going to come to the U . S . when he can come up with enough money . In the meantime she has all his credit card numbers and pin numbers so she can buy bibles . He held up his hand and showed me a huge scar . I said , " No thanks . I will wait until you are up . " There was no way in hell I would walk into his apartment and have him wake up and blast me with his pistol . I went home . As soon as I walked through the door Teresa said , " Oh my God , you stink ! Get out of those clothes and take a shower now ! " Crawling around on that skanky carpet had taken a toll on my clothes . I then turned my attention to the computer desk . Unfortunately he had decided to start working on it the night before . He had studs and screws in the wrong places . To secure them he covered each one with a generous amount of Gorilla glue . It took me an hour to scrape off all the glue and start over . I was finished in fifteen minutes . Did I mention that on several occasions friends of his would wander in to visit with him and watch me work at the same time . They were all much younger and more capable of doing the tasks at hand . I had felt at first that he didn 't have anyone around to help . At that point I felt a little bit used . On the way out the door he handed me a bottle of sparkling water from his refrigerator and said , " I 'm going to give you this for helping me . You and your wife can drink it . " When I got home I put the bottle on the counter and told Teresa it was our payment . It had a slimey feel to it . She frowned and said , " I hope you don 't plan on drinking that ! " I steeped into his apartment and saw a big canvas bag . It contained a frame , shelves and a canvas camping closet . I knew what was coming next . I said yes and began putting it together . It took about twenty minutes . He went to his bedroom to get some catalogs so he could show me some more things he had on order . I had a feeling they were going to involve my help when he got them . I quickly sent Teresa a text saying " Call me now . Tell me to come home ! " Since I have been made the unpaid Minister of Special Construction Projects , and he seems to have a lot of friends capable of standing around watching me work , I decided it was time to pay better attention and not be caught out in the open . I started going the long way around to check the mail and doing the laundry upstairs . I was successful until last Wednesday night . We went out to eat after work and got home a little after nine p . m . The neighbor is rarely out that late . Just to be safe I took the long way to the mailbox , but getting overconfident and cocky I decided to go directly down the hall on the return trip . I made a right turn and there I was , face to face with my nemesis , Rolling Thunder . We were at the door of his apartment , so I stepped in to take a look like the wimp I am . There was a section of steel shelving assembled , probably incorrectly , and a pile of pieces on the floor . That could only mean trouble for me . " I 've got a project for you ! " he said . " I need the other half put together , then the old shelves taken out of the closet and these put in . I just bought a two wheel dolly off the internet so it will be easier when you take stuff out to the dumpster for me . " Early Thursday morning there was a loud knocking at the door . I had a pretty good idea who it was . I went into the other room and Teresa opened the door . Sure enough it was Rolling Thunder . He had been asleep and heard someone knocking on his door . He naturally assumed it was me wanting to get an early start on the latest construction project . She told him I was busy . He left . All day I never left the apartment without her checking the hallway first . We went out to eat that evening . We entered the building from the side entrance to the hall so we wouldn 't be readily visible . A woman and her kids were coming from the pool and we talked to them for a minute . From the corner of my eye I saw movement in the hall . I whispered to Teresa , " Is it him ? " Now I feel I 'm being stalked by Rolling Thunder . I peak around every corner . I need to get a mirror to cut down on the chance of getting caught while checking the hall . I just came from Goodwill where I picked up a disguise . I have a pith helmet , sunglasses , checkered shorts , army boots , long black socks and a pink boa to wear around my neck . So far I haven 't been caught . I did get an offer to be in the over forty production of Rocky Horror Picture Show at a local theater , but I can 't dance , can 't sing , and I 'm only thirty - nine .