I had a mini break down yesterday . I just got so tired and hot . We have had rain for the last two weeks , so , not only is it hot , it 's also very humid . I don 't do humidity . Trying to organize with husband has been challenging . He kept getting in my way , I kept putting him back in his wheelchair or his bed , he would continually get back up and come see what I was doing . Then , he started in on the moving truck . He thought I was going to put the car in the truck and became upset that with the car in the truck , there wouldn 't be enough room for our furniture . After explaining for the umpteenth time how I was going to tow the car and drive the truck , ( I can 't find anyone to help me drive the damn truck up there , so , I 'll drive myself ) he would be fine , then , go off again . I vented . I slammed things . I opened and closed the dishwasher with a little force . I spoke to the thin air . I shed some tears . I felt sorry for myself that I have to do this alone . I yelled at the dog . The pone rang , I ignored it . I unplugged the phone . For hours . I made an espresso and went outside . I sat there shaking . I was angry , sad and a complete mess . It took me some time before I calmed down . Last night around ten , I realized that it was so quiet in my house . Husband and the dog were asleep , both on his bed . I glanced at the phone . Yikes ! ! I had not plugged the phone back in . Husband has been OK . Still lost in his own world , but , has been in an OK mood . He is excited about moving to Colorado . At times , he seems even upbeat . I like that . My car went to the dealership on Friday . They gave me a 2013 loaner car . I have an SUV , so , driving the loaner car felt like I was driving on the ground . Plus , husband couldn 't go in this car because I was afraid he wouldn 't be able to get out of it . I picked up my car yesterday morning . I thought my car drove great before , but , now ? Glides down the freeway . New tires , tune up , oil change , replaced hoses to the air conditioning unit , transmission flush and I can 't remember the rest . Loving every minute of it . In laws came on Friday for a visit . Father in law is happy for us . I took him aside and asked him if he was upset we were leaving . He said no , but then said , " Are you taking him to Colorado to die ? " I answered , " Yes , it 's his dying wish . " Father in law then said , " OK , then I 'm OK with it all . " We both got tears in our eyes , but , it was kind of happy tears . I am on a quest . I am taking my husband to Colorado to die . It sounds so awful , but , honestly , it 's not . This has made my husband so happy . And , because he is so far gone , he will say , " She 's taking me to Colorado to die . " When Tish went in to this new apartment complex , she told the leasing agent of husband 's illness and mentioned the mirrored closet doors saga a few months back . He said they would remove them and put plain doors on . When he called me yesterday , he actually remembered and reassured me that this will be done . He also mentioned that his grandma has Dementia and he knows just how an Alzheimer and / or Dementia patient reacts to some things . When I told him that the office refused to even remove them , he said that was against the ADA ( ? ) law . When I go and tell them my good news here , I will seek this " Supervisor of Maintenance " out and let him know just how awful it was for husband with those mirrors and how Dr A had to put him on anti - psychotic meds . Oh , yes , he will get an earful from me . Husband was sleeping when I got the call . When he woke up , I told him and he hasn 't stopped smiling . Of course , he doesn 't know anymore what 's involved in moving , but , at least he 's happy . So , tentatively planned , we will be leaving here on the 17th of August . I am still waiting for an approval from the apartment , but , God Willing , that will come today . Some apartment complexes up there are picky about their tenants . Some require you have a job . Hopefully , this isn 't one of them . The apartment is nice . Small , but nice . Tish happened to stumble on it and went in and talked with one of the leasing consultants . I did the application online Sunday night and am waiting for approval . How ironic is it that just the week before , I got an email from the same complex offering me a unit , but , my move had been put on hold , so I ignored the email . My car will need to be serviced . I called the dealership yesterday to see how much they would charge for everything that needs to be done . We 're talking about tune up , oil change , transmission flush and all 4 tires need replacing . They aren 't in bad shape , but , still , peace of mind in knowing that I have brand new tires . I hesitated in calling the dealership , because I know how they over charge . I used to take the car in for maintenance , but , that was when I was working and money wasn 't an issue . So , I called and the girl in service did remember me . She was surprised to hear from me and said she would get quotes and call me back . When she did , I couldn 't believe what they will charge me . She gave me discounts everywhere she could . It is so reasonable , I couldn 't refuse . I take the car in Friday and she said they would give me a loaner for the day , just in case it takes longer and I can 't get the car until Saturday . I am so thankful to the family member who has made all of this possible . Humble and thankful . She is so caring , compassionate , always saying , " I just want to help " . She is one heck of a woman . Husband is so very excited to move to Colorado . He told me it was his dying wish to live in Colorado . Everything is falling into place . Now , I wait for approval on this new apartment . Prayers are being accepted at this time . I had too much time on my hands yesterday , I think . Husband takes up most of my day . While I am busy with him , there isn 't much time for anything else . However , yesterday , he was having an OK day . His feet are swollen most of the time , but , lately , I 've noticed that they turn purple when he is sitting in his wheelchair . Now that we have the hospital bed , I can raise the bottom up for him to elevate his feet . So , after sitting on the porch for awhile , I got him back down so I could elevate his feet . He promptly fell asleep . The dog got on the bed with him and promptly fell asleep . The house was neat and tidy , dinner was cooking in the slow cooker , and , there I was , with nothing to do , but , think . I thought about what it would be like if he hadn 't gotten sick . What would we be doing now ? Where would we be living ? No kids left at home , it would be just us , and the dog , of course . We would both probably be working . He would get home first , having started his day very early . The dog would be so happy to see him . He would take a shower and relax in front of the TV , watching the news . I would get home around 5 : 30 . I would change my clothes into sweats and start dinner . We would talk about our day , work , what we would be doing the coming weekend , the dog , what was for dinner , what favorite TV shows would be on that night , husband would be exhausted from his hard job , but , would be freshly showered and ready for a night of relaxation . After I got off the phone , I looked at my surroundings . My small apartment . I went into the bedroom . There was my reality . There was my life now as I 've come to know . July seems to be lasting forever . I want summer to be over with already . We have , however , been having our regular rainy season , which is so nice . It has been cool , cloudy with breezes that make you say , " Oh that 's refreshing " . That part of summer I do like . I have been thinking of our move to Colorado . If all would 've gone well , I would 've had the apartment packed and ready to go by now . Makes me a little sad . I 'll get there , when the time is right , but , I just wish the time would 've been right when I wanted to go . Such is life , eh ? Husband was in his usual stupor yesterday . Nothing new to report on that subject . I took him outside to sit on the porch and enjoy the cool breeze . He was fine for a few minutes , when , he started asking me to take him to the shoe store to buy him a new pair of shoes . I could feel the muscles in my neck and shoulders beginning to tighten up . First of all , he does not wear shoes in the house . And , when I do take him in the car , of course , he wears shoes , but , how often is that ? Not very . He has new shoes , bought in May . At first , I tried to ignore him , hoping he would just leave it alone . But , no , for some reason , he had it up in his mind that I was being mean to him . I finally had enough . Told him he was going in the house because he was not behaving . Brought him back in , took him to the bedroom and said , " If you can 't behave , you will stay here until you can be good and come back outside . " Father in law came Tuesday morning . We had a good talk . I told him about husband talking to " someone " in the corner of the living room . He said he was comforted by it , thinking it was husband 's mom , that he has felt her presence as well . Even though he has remarried , he still feels her . He had a good visit with husband . Husband kept telling his dad that he needed to do something , but , had forgotten what it was . We tried suggesting all sorts of ideas of what he wanted to do , but , husband would put his hands to his head and say over and over , " no , no , no . " I haven 't found much to laugh about this week . I usually do in the wake of all of this madness , however , I think my laughter button is broke . I hope it can be repaired . He slept soundly until 4 : 40 AM . Woke up , tried to get out of bed when I told him , " No , lie back down , it 's too early to get up . " He asked me the time , I told him . Then , he said , " How do you know the time ? " I said , " By the clock . " He doesn 't know what a clock is , he said . I gave a brief description on what a clock is and he said , " Wow , you really are smart . " Yesterday was spent in a stupor . He is not aware of his surroundings at all . He is not familiar with any of the normal day to day things , sounds , operation of appliances , toilets , opening doors or TV 's . He reminds me of a person coming from the jungle , seeing for the first time how the Western World lives . How he is amazed at how our toilet flushes . He thinks I put the toilet in for him . He thinks I built this apartment for him . How his mind works now or doesn 't work , is something to witness . He sat in the living room with me last night . Never said a word . Just sat in his usual stupor . I was watching him . Eyes rolling in the back of his head , glancing at the TV , looking around as if seeing everything for the first time . He would occasionally smile at the thin air , nod his head , mumble something and glance away . He 's talking to someone . He looked down the hall , towards the bedroom , looked back at me and said , " OK , they are done in there . Can you put me to bed now ? " Who 's ' done ? Of course , I didn 't ask . Are you Angels , coming for him ? Is this Jesus , urging him to go with Him ? Are you his mom , communicating from the other side , wanting him to join you ? Who knows . But , I am comforted by the fact that he smiles at this space , this nothing but thin air . If it 's the Angels , or Jesus , or , his mother , please come again . He 's somehow comforted by whatever he sees . Oh , night terrors . They are something . Up and down , all night long with husband . Hallucinations . Crazy . Terrible . Scary . Frustrating . Exhausting . We had a beautiful thunder storm last night . Husband was settled ( ? ) in for the night . He wasn 't asleep , just laying there , quietly . When the rain and wind came up , I opened up the bedroom window so fresh air could come in . Soon , I heard husband get up and was speaking to , , , , , , , , , , , no one . I went in the bedroom and there he was , bending over my bed , trying to get to the open window . He said some people told him to close it because all his stuff from the nightstand was flying out the window . I 've learned not to ask , " what people ? " I talked him down , or so I thought . And that was just the beginning of my night . With barely 3 hours of sleep under my belt , here I am . When will this madness end ? My poor husband , looking so frightened and helpless . He drools now , just wanted to put that out there . He has completely slipped from all reality and all he has ever known . Watching him eat makes my stomach turn . Food falls out of his mouth . He doesn 't know how to use a fork or spoon anymore . I have to cut his meat for him . You have to coax him to hold his drink . I have to wipe his face when he 's done eating . Clean his hands . Ask him if he 's full ? He doesn 't know what that means . Ask him if he 's hungry ? Doesn 't know that one either . Ask him if he enjoyed his meal ? Knows not what you ask . Folks , if you pray for me , and I know many of you do , please pray that his journey is almost over for husband . That 's enough . Ready or not for me , the end is coming . It 's time . I 've had enough . He 's had enough . I took husband outside for some fresh air yesterday . The weather may have been hot , but , on our porch it is so shady and cool . The thunder heads were beginning to build up , the sun going in and out of the clouds . As he sat there , staring into space , people would walk by , look at him . His eyes continued to be blank . Not a blink . Just that wild , big eyed blank stare . Some looked at him with curiosity , others , a little on the disgust side . Maybe they thought he was drunk ? I don 't know . I didn 't bother to ask . There were a few little girls , going to the pool . They looked at husband . As they saw what he looked like now , they pedaled their bikes faster by us . Some boys came by , older , around 10 - 12 yr olds . They would look at husband and give a snort . As if mocking him . By his appearance now . I wanted to tell them not to be afraid . He was once a very nice man . He loved his family . He will not hurt you . I wanted to tell the boys not to laugh at husband . He is a very sick man . At one time , husband looked at me and said , in his garbled way of talking , " You do such a nice job in caring for the backyard . The grass looks great . " I said a simple " thank you " and did not have the heart to tell him that this wasn 't our backyard , it was the grounds of an apartment complex . No use anyway . He doesn 't understand what an apartment complex is . When I took him inside , I had him lie down on his bed . I began to read . After about 30 minutes or so , I went to check on him . I didn 't know if he was asleep or awake , but , his eyes were rolling in the back of his head , with his hands moving about on his chest . I got right in front of his face and moved my hands in front of him . Nothing . No reaction , no response . His mother used to do the same thing . At the end . At 4 AM , I was jarred awake by husband . He had soiled his diaper and was wandering the house looking for me . When I say wandering , I mean , he held onto walls and furniture to shuffled around . It took me until 5 AM to clean him up and get him back to bed . A chair in the living room had been turned over . Today , I am in a somber mood . I know the end is coming . But , who am I kidding ? This could go on for months . I hope not . For his sake , I hope not . The children may come by again . On their way to the pool . The little girls will go by quickly , glancing at husband . The boys will look at husband and mock him . I believe husband has finally crossed over into the unknown world of Alzheimer 's . He is oblivious to his surroundings now . There is no " Oh , I hope he comes out of it " , mutterings anymore . He knows nothing of what is going on . He doesn 't understand me when I ask him a question . He looks around the room as if he 's seeing it for the first time . There is no interest in food . And now ? Now , I wait , for the monster to strike it 's final blow . The final blow will come when husband dies . Then , Alzheimer 's will no longer live in my house . It will be done , final . But , Alzheimer 's will always be a part of my life . For the rest of my days , when I hear that word , I will shudder . I will never be the same . Ever . I look at life differently now . Living here , in an apartment , I watch and listen to neighbors . I hear of their life , their problems , their struggles . I hear them whine and complain about their jobs . I see them frustrated with their spouses . I watch them go daily , out into the working world , only to come back at the end of the day , tired . I used to be among them . That everyday , working class person . Life , at that time , was about raising a family , working to survive , but , also enjoying what you did . Looking forward to weekends . Payday . I watched a young mother yesterday , leaving for work . Her step was light . It was Friday . It was payday . You could tell she was in a good frame of mind . She knew that she would have the weekend off , she was getting paid and the weekend was just around the corner . She smiled a big Good Morning smile . Yes , I used to be like that , I thought . So , here I am , watching and waiting . Watching for signs of impending death . I lay in bed at night and count how many breaths husband takes . No , I will never be the same person I once was , with a light step on Friday 's , looking forward to payday and the weekend off . A little late in posting today . Busy morning . I have about 20 minutes left before I go to the laundry room to get the last two loads out of the dryer and be done with the weekly laundry until next week . Or , until husband wets the bed . Again . I made a roast chicken , with risotto & veggies and yeast rolls . It was delicious . Right before my eyes , he began to get agitated and it was all downhill from there . Two and a half hours later , with sweat rolling in my eyes , I finally got him to lie down on the bed . Gave him his night meds . I give him two around 7 PM , then , wait another 2 hours and give him his final pill at night around 9 PM . I did not wait 2 hours last night for the final pill . It was about 45 minutes between . Once that pill took affect , he fell asleep and slept the whole night . He is not in touch with reality . I can see how fast he is fading . I did not give him a bath today . Instead , I took the adult wipes , cleaned his body off , powdered him , put deodorant on him and got him dressed . His body has tremors , more noticeable than before . I have him on his bed , resting . Now , most people reading this would think , " Call 911 , call 911 . " Why ? You think anyone is going to save him ? What could they do ? Brain transplant ? As I sat outside this morning , drinking my espresso , I hung my head and cried . I am crying now . For everything that is happening . I guess I 'm really not ready for him to go just yet . I want more time with him . Yesterday was quiet . Got husband up , bathed , shaved , dressed and fed him breakfast . He did not eat much . He looked so tired , so , I suggested he go lay back down . I was washing his sheets from the previous night , and just pulled the blanket over the mattress so he could lay down . He slept for 6 hours . And , I let him sleep . Sometimes you just have to let your gut guide you . He must 've needed it . Husband has been in this new state for several days now . He doesn 't really quite know where he is at or what he is doing . I will find him in the hallway , just standing there . I ask him if he needs the bathroom , or wants to come into the living room . It takes several minutes for him to reply . I can hardly understand him . Got him settled in bed last night , turned on his TV . A while later , he called for me and asked me to change the channel . When I went in , he said , " I can 't remember how to use the remote . And , I can 't see it anyways . " Speaking of eyesight , that too is fading , fast . His left eye is affected mostly , but , I 've noticed the right eye as well . It 's probably only a matter of time before that one goes too . That leaves me plenty of time to think . Plan . And think some more . I go outside , watch the birds and ducks . I look up at the tall trees , talk to God , and , think some more . I like it out on my porch . It 's cool , away from the hot sun . There 's usually a breeze . Sometimes , though , neighbors will see me and want to visit . There are times I don 't want to visit . I want to be alone . Most of the time , they will ask if it 's a good time to visit . I am honest with them if it 's not . At least they respect me and will come later to see if I 'm OK . This life , my life , is not for the weak . So , guess I 'm not weak . This disease and all that comes with it will either make me or break me . Husband has just woken up and of course , does not know where he is or what he should do . He just told me that he cannot use the bathroom because there are people in there . Yep , the start of another day . A day in which I will care for husband like he is an infant . Changing diapers , feeding , wiping drool from his mouth , assuring him there are no people in the bathroom , being his eyes , ears and translator . The middle of summer now . Fall will be here before you know it . The weather will turn cool . I will sit on my porch and watch the leaves die and blow away . Night terrors are back . Great . Just great . Just when I thought moving husband to a hospital bed would stop him wandering in the middle of the night , they have come back with a vengeance . This all started a few nights ago . I was hoping it was just a fluke . Not so much . Have I ever said I hate Alzheimer 's ? I do and that much more . For the last few days , husband has not been in the here and now . Yesterday was no different . He has no idea where he 's at and kept asking me if the movers were coming . I kept telling him we were not moving for another 3 weeks . He would look at me as if I were speaking another language , look out towards the trees and grass , turn back to me and ask me if the movers were coming . Again and again . He looks so helpless now . His eyes have such a haunting look about them . Big , round and , vacant . His whole facial structure has changed . His jaw juts out , his bottom lip is turned outward and those eyes . I am going to try and take a picture of his face just so ya 'll can see . Let 's hope the picture doesn 't take up a whole page on this blog like it 's done before and I had to delete it . He woke me up around 4 AM this morning , saying he had to gather his stuff up , along with some onions . Yes , onions . Amazing what a brain can do being affected by Alzheimer 's . He said he had to go to the bathroom , I took him in . His diaper was soaking wet , I took it off of him . He sat down and started chanting , " What goes in , must go out , " then , would look up at me and laugh a silly laugh . This chanting went on for about 45 minutes . I finally coaxed him back to bed . As I was straightening out the sheet and blanket , I felt the bed . Wet . Grrrr . He said , " I didn 't wet the bed , someone else did , honest . " It just never ends . It 's always something . Wherever husband is , he 's at least pleasant . His mind is completely gone . He seems content to stare into space . I so hope God is guiding him Home . My prayer is God take him soon . Posted by Husband has been in and out . Mostly out . His walking is next to nothing now . He has tremors through his body , all day , every day . His memory is practically gone . His eyesight is poor at best . I like to bring him outside and sit on the porch . There he will sit and stare at nothing . Eyes are blank , head bobs . He will occasionally ask me a question , one that will make no sense , I answer as best I can and he nods and once again will stare out at the grass and trees with a blank stare . Because I don 't take him many places anymore , I think that the fresh air will do him good . He does like it . It can be so hot , but , on our porch , it is cool with all the shade that we have . His appetite has decreased . He no longer wants a big breakfast , nor does he tell me he 's hungry . I ask him if he 's hungry and he will take a minute to think about it , then say , " Not really . " Father in law came up yesterday . He used to be so happy to see his dad . Now ? He will be polite to his dad , but , that 's about it . After father in law left , husband said , " Does he come to visit here a lot ? " yes , I say . Oh , he replies . My house is quiet most days . We have settled into this new routine . No longer does husband do anything . His big flat screen TV sits silent in the bedroom . He rarely turns it on . He has forgotten how to use the remote and just stares at the silent TV . Then , he will turn his head to look at the closet . The mirrored doors are gone , so , he can stare at the contents of the closet for quite some time . When I suggest he take a nap , he will close his eyes . Lately , I 've been watching him as he sleeps during the day . Once he 's asleep , I often go in there to stare at him . He does such an odd thing . I watch , mesmerized by this . It may last as long as 20 minutes . Sometimes even longer . As I sit there watching him , I wonder what is going on in his brain . Is it Alzheimer 's , or , is it something else ? Yesterday , as he was doing this , I suddenly had a thought . Is he talking to the Angels ? Are they nearby ? Do they linger over him as he sleeps ? Are they coming for him ? Do they call his name ? As much as I don 't want him to die , the very thought of Angels in my bedroom is comforting . Yes , I 'd like to think it is the Angels . And , he talks to them . The saga of the " broken " shoes continued until yesterday afternoon . I was cleaning house and had enough . I got his " broken " shoes out , put socks on husband then put his shoes on . Once I got done I stood up and said , " Now , you tell me where they are broken ? " Since then , the " broken " shoes are no more . End of story . I 've read and heard stories of caregivers being mean to the Alzheimer patient . While I will never be mean , I have found that you do have to take the upper hand . Otherwise , it can really drive you nuts . Taking care of husband is exhausting . There are days he just won 't let up , like the shoe business . Once I 've had it , well , I 've had it . It was so constant yesterday , that I thought I would go mad . Instead , I took the upper hand and that was the end of it . Husband is confused about this moving to another apartment . Luckily , the floor plan is exactly like this one , with the only difference being there is a washer / dryer in the unit . He keeps asking me if we are going to take our stuff , or , leave it here . I continually tell him our stuff will go with us , but , it 's not sinking in . Nothing sinks in with him anymore . Nothing . He has stopped asking me what day it is . I didn 't really think much about it until the other day . I thought , " When did that stop ? " I can 't pinpoint it , but , it 's been weeks . His brain is so damaged now that , I think he 's forgotten what days are . He also doesn 't ask me what the date is , or , the time of year . All has stopped . I thought about this last night . Man , what a crappy time of year to die . I don 't want him to die at all , but , Christmas time ? I am prepared for it . I think I got my ducks in a row . Financially , I think I 'll be OK . At least , I hope so . Mentally , I honestly don 't know . I don 't think you can ever really prepare for your loved one to die . I often wonder , " Will I cry a lot when he dies ? " " Will I be so lonely , I won 't know what to do with myself ? " " Will I go to the cemetery and stare at His Place ? " " What in the world will I do without him ? " " My kids . Will they be alright ? " Husband has not been well . The hallucinations and confusion have taken up a good portion of my day . Some of the hallucinations can be funny . Even he laughs at them Other 's , not so funny . Or , the hallucinations can be scary or just plain draining on me . You just never know . Take for instance , yesterday morning . Husband insisted , after breakfast on putting on his shoes . He doesn 't know how to put on shoes anymore , I have to do it for him . He got his shoes out , studied them for about 20 minutes , lifted one leg and attempted to put them on . I was trying to ignore him , hoping he would get frustrated and put them away . Not so lucky . After about 1 hour , he made the announcement that I needed to take him to the shoe store and buy him a new pair of shoes . Now , the shoes he has are very new , I just bought them in April . He doesn 't wear shoes on a daily basis as he is mostly inside . These shoes are in pristine condition . I explained that the shoes he has are in perfect shape . He was having none of it . He started to act up and told me his shoes were " broken " . This went on for hours . He told me I was being mean to him and he was going to call his dad and tell on me . I ignored it all . I was doing my laundry and every time I had to go to the laundry room , he told me that when I got back , he was going to be gone . Said he would go to the shoe store by himself and tell them to give him a new pair of shoes because his were " broken " . Each time I left , I would lock the front door behind me . He doesn 't know how to unlock the door anymore , so , that kept him safe . I looked at him last night and got such a sad feeling inside . He is so helpless now . Looks up to me like a child would look up to his mother . As I tucked him into bed last night , he was pulling the covers up to his chest and asked , " Am I doing this right ? " I assured him he was . Kissed the top of his head , told him I loved him then said , " You behave and go to sleep . " He got a smile on his face and promised he would behave . When I went into the living room and thought about the day , I had to laugh . It really was funny . I believe God gives me the " funnies " once in awhile to keep me from going completely nuts . Thank you for the comments . It 's nice to know that the decisions I make are upheld by readers like you . I no longer have a husband , its just me making all these decisions . It 's not easy when I want to do what 's best for him as well , but , have no input from him because of Alzheimer 's . Unfortunately , the new tenant wants this unit . He was quoted a great price per month , ( as I was when we moved here ) and doesn 't want to switch . Can 't blame him , it is a good price . This apartment is a basic apartment . No bells or whistles here . But , they did offer me another one that is just 6 apartments down the way that is exactly like this one , only it comes with a washer & dryer . Yay . My view will be trees and grass . No pond with the beautiful fountain , but , it still is very pretty . There is an Aspen tree that I can watch change colors in the fall . My favorite tree of all . I don 't know when I can move there , as my lease expires here next month . May have to stay until then , which is fine by me . Husband is OK with all of this . Of course , I have put him through a lot of confusion last week with , " We 're going , we 're staying , " then , " we 're going , oh no , wait , we 're staying . " It was enough to put me over the edge , but , he dealt with it OK . Also , and this is a big one . If husband passes , I will still be able to pay my rent here and make it on my own . That is always in the back of my mind . I need that stability and peace of mind . I have to be able to make it on my own . I don 't like all this grown up stuff . I don 't like having to bare this weight on my own . I miss my old life , with a healthy husband , both of us holding down good jobs , loving summer time with camping and fishing . BBQ 's , with husband at the grill . Yes , I miss it all . I am emerging stronger and better than before . But , I can still long for the good ole ' days . Because , they were that good ! I 've been absent , I know . I needed a break from life . I unplugged my phone , sat outside for countless hours , and , prayed . I made a decision , one that has been hard , shed many tears over this , talked to God and cried some more . I have decided to stay here . For many reasons . First reason is money . Moving to Colorado would eat up all the money we survive on . Rent would be higher . The stress I 've been under has been tremendous . By yesterday morning , I felt as if I was going to lose it completely . As I was sitting outside , I saw father in law drive up . I had just finished asking God to guide me in my decision . I told father in law my issues when he asked me what was wrong . He , being the wise man that he is , gave me some good points to ponder . He pointed out how we can make it here financially . He said how beautiful the grounds are from our living room . He said our apartment is just perfect for the two of us . He told me that when husband does pass , I 'll still be able to live here on my own . He said a lot of things . I told him of my giving a 60 day notice last month . He advised me to go to the office and try to rescind my notice . Said anything can be worked out . Said we have been excellent tenants , paid my rent on time , never causing trouble . Once I got husband settled with his breakfast and visiting with his dad , I went down to the office . I was so scared . It seems that they have already rented my apartment , but , they were going to call the new tenant and see if they could switch him to another unit . I told them that if I had to switch to another unit , I would , but , preferred to stay in this one . They told me not to worry , we would work it out . I know Tish will be upset about my decision , but , this is my decision and my life we 're talking about . As much as I would love to go to Colorado , I just can 't at this time . The time is not right . I have felt this way for many weeks now . But , once I made my decision to stay here , for awhile mind you , not forever , but , for now , I have felt the weight lift off my shoulders . Yesterday afternoon , as the word spread that I was staying , my wonderful neighbors started coming up to me on the porch , giving me hugs and telling me how happy they were I wasn 't leaving , I felt better and better . They talked of Christmas , and how I would be here to celebrate with them . They talked of Thanksgiving and how we should do a pot luck . As I sat on my porch , watching my neighbors fussing over husband , smiling , joking and planning for the upcoming year , I felt such inner Peace . Yes , this is where I belong . For now . Posted by Please join me as I care for my husband who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness called Early Onset Familial Alzheimer 's Disease . A very rare form of Alzheimer 's , inherited on his Mothers ' side of the family . All other family members died by age 47 . My husband is 46 . Join me won 't you , as I travel this road that will leave me a Widow . Laugh with me , cry with me .