I watched as they kicked her awake , then put a sword to her throat . I wish I could 've done something then to save her , but I wasn 't ready to risk my life . As they hauled her to her feet , fear shone in her eyes . She glanced at me . And I looked away . To this day , it still hurts to remember all that . Even though we did eventually make up . There I go , rambling down rabbit trails . You 're probably wondering what in the world I 'm talking about , who she is , and all that who what when where why how nonsense . We 're going to have to go back in time to answer your questions . It was the year that the rebels began to pull out of the rut . See , for the past five years a large group of people rebelled against the government because it was becoming corrupt . My dad and I lived in an apartment in the middle of town . It was noisy , the walls were thin , and it was dirty . The thatched roof was falling apart , so the people on the top floor complained about leakage during the rainy season . Tenants on the bottom floor got snow seeping in the cracks at the corners . Smack in the middle , all we got was noise . Three months later , enter Philana . She was also fourteen . The first time I saw her , I thought she was beautiful . Her long brown hair was neatly brushed and tied back with a lavender ribbon . She was wearing a plain brown dress like the other young girls , but I was drawn to her face . She nodded briefly to me as she passed by , and I nodded back . I didn 't see her again for a few months , and when I did it was under totally different circumstances . She had been chosen to make the trek to the city , to get some information from the government . Yeah , working as a spy . Her father basically led the rebels in our town , and her mother , like mine , had died in the plague that had swept the town when we were children . My father was against her going alone , and so , without my saying anything , he suggested I go along . I guess he thought I 'd want to . At least that 's what I thought at the time . Little did I know that I would end up a turncoat . " That 's my point exactly . One , I don 't want a young girl out in the wild alone . And two , you can turn her in . " I started packing , dad 's words ringing in my head . I 'm not going to turn her in . I couldn 't do that , not to anyone , especially not to a girl , and more especially not to … well , not to her . We set off on foot the next morning . I was quiet , my mind focused on the night before . She watched me curiously , her head tilted to the left the slightest bit . Her brown eyes studied me carefully . A thought flashed across my mind , and I tried to hold back a smile . It was a stupid thought , and after I thought it I had to try to keep from looking at her . I wondered if she had ever noticed me when I was out in the town playing sports with the other boys before … if she noticed me like I noticed her . But that was stupid . I wondered how I could do what dad wanted me to do . I couldn 't imagine turning her in . It just didn 't seem right . Philana had gotten a little ways ahead of me , and now she stopped to look back , poised up on a flat rock , the wind playing with her hair . " Yeah . " I shifted my bag to the other shoulder . " Sorry , " I mumbled as I passed her . She fell into step behind me , and we walked in silence for a while . I still couldn 't work anything out . I wanted dad to be proud of me . But it was wrong to do that to a girl , even if she was my enemy . Wait , correction , I didn 't mean to think that . Even if she was my dad 's enemy . I wondered how long I would have before I would have to turn her in . If I did . Man , was this ever confusing . I should 've found one of my friends to talk it over with before we left . It probably would 've helped . Midday came and left , we ate a meal , then kept going . My bare feet hurt from the stones . Philana had no shoes , either , and I made a mental note to make some … or at least try someday . I could be a shoemaker . Ha . Riiight . We entered the forest a little while before dark , and I could tell Philana was trying to be brave . To tell the truth , I was , too . But I didn 't want a girl to see I was afraid . Besides , it was only a bunch of trees … with wild animals … and it was dark … and … and scary . I shivered . Philana stepped closer . So I stuck some of the wood in the pit and added twigs and dead leaves for kindling . Then I didn 't know what to do . She must have realized that , because she gently took the wood and showed me how … and told me to do it . Taking a deep breath , I repeated her actions . A spark ! Then another ! Then my cloak caught fire … I dropped the wood in , and the fire started to burn as I stamped out the fire in my cloak . When I finished , I glanced toward Philana , who was trying her best not to laugh . We were quiet for most of the morning , concentrating on our direction while still in the forest . When we finally got out , we took a quick rest , then went on our way again . It was awkward , walking side by side and no one talking . Well , there , I tried . I just couldn 't make conversation with a girl . And that was that . We trudged on in silence for a while , just looking at the scenery , which was now quite unfamiliar . But Philana seemed to know where to go . " Do you sing ? " She asked after a while , tilting her head again , this time to the right . She was smiling faintly , and her eyes danced . She broke into a Byshani folk song , and I couldn 't help but join in . So we sang . If there was a song I didn 't know , she 'd teach it to me . Or sometimes she 'd sing alone . She had a low voice , for a girl , but it fit her well . At the moment , mine was a teensy bit higher than hers , but it wouldn 't stay like that for long . We stopped outside a small town , and I put my cloak on to cover my sword , but kept my hand on it at all times . You never know what might jump out at you in strange and unfamiliar territory . We got a few strange looks , but that was all , and we were through . I breathed a sigh of relief . We 'll just say I wouldn 't be considered good with a sword . I felt more comfortable with Philana now , and I think she did , too . Conversation still didn 't come easily , but we had something in common , and it kept us busy during the day . So I wasn 't troubled with my decision until evening . I was still as torn as ever . Something changed during the night . I don 't know what it was . I got up , scribbled a note in the dirt to Philana , telling her I 'd be back soon and not to worry . Then I ran . I ran back to the village , and up into a government building . There was a single light on , and I ran to that room , pounding on the door . It opened , and I almost fell inside . I gasped for breath as I spoke . " I have news from the rebels … there 's a young girl traveling with me . And she is a spy . She 's sleeping a few miles from here . It would be best … to be intercepted tomorrow night . " Then I turned and left . It was done . I couldn 't take back what I 'd just said … and as I left the building I was already regretting what I 'd just done . Philana shouldn 't have been turned in . It was wrong … I 'd been ready to protect her just that morning , and already I was … I was going against that . And that was all I said . I could 've saved her again . But I was scared of what she 'd think of me . Of what she 'd say or do . I had to work hard to keep the tears back as we walked that day . Already I was wishing I hadn 't done it . I don 't know why I had , it just kind of happened . Well , I can 't claim that . I did it , and now I can 't take it back , and it hurt . We trudged on in silence , and if Philana had wanted to talk I probably wouldn 't have . I saw her look my way a few times , and she had a strange expression on her face . She was probably wondering what I had done that night . Then I heard voices and clanking armor . I scrambled to my feet , holding my sword in readiness . My hands were shaking as I held it , and I wanted to run and hide in the back of the cave . A soldier turned into the cave entrance , and my sword wobbled . " Drop your sword , boy . " The soldier commanded . Two more soldiers came in , drawing their swords . I sheathed my sword , then with a nod from the first soldier , the other two began to back me up against a wall . I watched as they kicked her awake , then put a sword to her throat . I wish I could 've done something then to save her , but I wasn 't ready to risk my life . As they hauled her to her feet , fear shone in her eyes . She glanced at me . And I looked away . Coward . At first they half - dragged her out of the cave , and the two soldiers who had me up against the wall let me go so I could follow . Philana kept turning around to look at me … and every time I looked away , even though she never managed to turn around enough to see me . I wished they had blindfolded her . When we crossed the river , a soldier picked her up and slung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes . Deep in my thoughts , I looked up at the moon . In the ring of light around it , there was a single star . It would rain tomorrow . Clouds moved in and covered the moon , yet we moved on through the night , but not very quietly as it 's always said . We walked on a wide road , the small rocks making up the gravel cutting into my bare feet . I winced as I took each step , and soon cold , wet , and sticky blood left tracks on the road . Was this ever a bad idea . It was strange … even though I hated that I had turned Philana in , there was something there , some feeling I had never felt before , a feeling that I liked . It could have been pride , maybe superiority , which , I guess , those two are the same or at least go together . The cowardice was still there , though , gnawing away at my thoughts . I hated being confused like this , especially when I wasn 't able to work it out very well . I stumbled on the road , and fell down , rocks cutting my hands . Muttering under my breath , I scrambled to my feet . On the way up , my wrist brushed my sword hilt . I 'd forgotten that I was armed . Not that it would help , I wouldn 't be able to do anything . The hills in my feelings kept rolling up and down , up and down … then there was a higher up , a lower down , an even higher up … and I pulled the sword out of its hilt . I 'd gotten Philana into this mess , I 'd get her out of it . Whirling on the soldiers behind me , I swung the sword in a giant arc . Then as I turned to attack one , the other grabbed me from behind . I struggled to do two hard things at once , but soon focused on getting away from my captor ( or were they Philana 's captors ? Or both ? ) , only for everything to become black . I groaned and tried to sit up . Or , at least it felt like trying to sit up . I wasn 't really lying down , I was being carried in the same manner as Philana . My head hurt . So did my feet and hands , both of which were caked with blood . I glanced up , seeing the third soldier behind me , wearing my sword and sword belt . " He 's come - to . " The soldier said , and I was set back down on my feet , then fell to the ground . My feet felt like they wouldn 't work . But I was yanked up and forced to walk . One foot in front of the other . Left . Right . Left . Right . Pain shot through my body with each step . They had only been carrying me because I could not walk . Which meant they were in a hurry . I slowed a bit when the pain grew worse , and was shoved roughly forward . I kept asking myself that , again and again . I was not proud of what I had done , not in the least . My mind was filled with unanswered questions . Late the next day we entered the city . Philana was made to walk now , and they bound our hands in front of us as we went through the gate . This time I looked at her , but she was staring at her feet . Philana … oh , Philana … I 'm so sorry . They locked us down in a deep , dark , dungeon and left us alone . It was more of a hole in the ground with a grating on top , but it was big and the cold dirt felt good under my feet . Philana huddled in a corner , and from the way her shoulders shook , I knew she was crying . I wanted to say something , but didn 't know what . She wouldn 't believe me , and I 'd just make a fool of myself . A little later , Philana got up and began walking around . I knew saying " sorry " wouldn 't work on Philana . But she didn 't even know what happened . " I did something I shouldn 't have . It … " I groaned and tried again . " That night , when I … " I leaned up against the wall , looking away from her . " I went back to the town and told them who you were . " " My dad put me up to it . It was a struggle from the beginning . I don 't know why I ended up doing it , and now I hate myself for it . If I could take it back , I would . I 'm sorry , so sorry . I hate where it 's gotten us , I thought if I regretted what I 'd done I could get you free somehow , but it looks like not . Now I 've got to get both of us out of here … " I turned back to her . " If there 's anyway out of here , I 'll find it . " Those two days were the longest in my life . We sat in the dark , neither one speaking to the other , both thinking . I was thinking of ways to get out , and staring up at the grating . The first afternoon it rained , and we sat in the corners of the dungeon , waiting for the rain to go away . The sun finally came out , and I looked up at the grating hopefully . I don 't know why , there wasn 't any hope left in my world at that time . I wished there was a ladder leading up to the grating , at least then there 'd be a sliver of hope , and still only maybe . " I don 't know . " I stared up at the light flowing in through the criss - crossing of the grating . We were quiet for a while , then she bit her lip and spoke again . " Rory , I know you 're truly sorry for what you did … and I 'm ready to forgive you . I have forgiven you already . So let 's stop this silence and talk and be friends like we were before that night . " " I don 't know . I 'm scared about that too , that 's why I want to get out so badly . Let 's not worry about that , we need to get out of here first . I don 't actually want to know what they 'd like to do to us . " " Wait … " Philana walked under the grating . " Look , the lock on the grating is close enough to the wall that if we dug into the wall we could climb up and maybe get out that way . " Progress working on the footholds was slow . We had to get them close enough together that there wouldn 't be a stretch but far enough a part it wouldn 't be cramped climbing up . We had to use our hands to dig , and the dirt was packed tightly in to make the wall . Dinner was lowered down in a basket on a rope , and we ate hungrily , then returned to work . By nightfall we had made some progress , and went to sleep that night with sore and tired fingers . I just prayed it would work . And that we would have enough time to finish it before anything happened to us . After breakfast the next morning , we began hacking away at the wall again . Our fingers were sore from the previous afternoon , but we managed to make steady progress all day . Right after lunch , we 'd gotten high enough to reach the grating . Philana offered to go up , and I watched as she carefully stuck her foot in the first foothold , then began to climb . She kept her eyes focused on the grating , and when she got there , she grabbed onto the lock and examined it . After a few minutes , she came back down . " It doesn 't look like it would be too hard to get the lock off . And once it 's off it won 't be too hard . My only concern would be guards up there . " We waited impatiently all afternoon , then watched excitedly as the sun went down and the stars came out . Rain clouds covered the moon , and soon rain fell . I nodded to Philana , and then started up our foothold ladder . When I got to the top , I began working at the lock . Thankfully , it wasn 't really a lock , more of a thin strip of metal very poorly put together . I managed to get my fingers in between where it had been sealed , and pried it apart . " Philana , I got the lock , " I said as quietly as I could with her still hearing me . Then I pushed gently on the grating . It started to move , and I pushed it to the side and then scrambled up out on the ground . I almost slipped , but caught myself just as I got to my feet . Philana began climbing up , and I grabbed a nearby stick , to use as a weapon , just in case . And it was a good thing I picked it up . Just as Philana 's hand appeared over the top of the dungeon , I heard soldiers . " Philana , hurry ! " I whispered loudly , then grabbed her wrist , pulling her up . I could hear the soldiers getting closer . Soon they 'd be here . She rolled out onto the ground , and I helped her up , then , still holding onto her wrist , we ran in the other direction of the voices . Both of us stumbled a few times in the rain . We didn 't know if the soldiers were after us or not … but if they weren 't after us , what would they be after ? We kept running , not really knowing where we were going , just knowing we needed to get away . Soon I began to think we were running in circles … either that , or this was a bigger city than I thought . We stopped to take a rest , and I set my stick down . I was bent over , hands on my knees , breathing heavily . " No . I 'm not going to let you . It 's too dangerous to stay here any longer . " " We came here all this way , got in all this danger , and now you 're saying we go back without doing what we came here to do . I know my way back . You don 't know the way . " I sighed . I had to admit it , Philana was right . And … even if my father wouldn 't be proud of me , I could make the rebels proud … but that would be going against my father 's will . What would that mean ? What would I tell him when I got back to Byshan ? We started walking . Philana led the way and I followed , deep in thought . I seemed to be doing a lot of thinking lately … but it made sense . I was having so much trouble with so many decisions . She knocked , and soon the door opened . It was an elderly man , white hair , white beard . His face wasn 't wrinkled much , but he smiled when he saw Philana , and his eyes crinkled . He welcomed us inside , and we sat down near the fire . I wondered what time it was , and was freezing cold , so the fire felt nice . He brought blankets out , and I wrapped mine around me to make me warmer . My bag was long gone , with my extra tunic inside it . Philana began telling her grandfather about everything that had happened . When she got to the night we were captured , I was thankful she didn 't say a word about what I had done … and she had fully forgiven me , I now was assured of that . Philana finished our story , and then she went with her grandfather into another room … to give the message , I assumed . So I was forgiven . But not fully trusted yet . I guess that was part of the price for being a traitor . I shivered , my tunic was still wet , and I started to think I was coming down with a bit of a cold . We spent the night at her grandfather 's house , each of us in our own rooms with nice , cozy , warm beds . It felt nice after days on the road and in a dungeon . Early the next morning we gobbled down a big , hot , breakfast and were on our way again . Both of us trudged on wearily , wanting to be back in our homes . At first we were quiet , and then I decided to share my questions with Philana . " Just tell him the truth . You can always come live with us if you need to . And who knows - maybe he 's changed his mind by now . Lots of people have turned to the rebel cause since we started . " " I know . Just my dad … he 's not like other fathers . Since my mom died , he 's done the opposite as your dad . Sure , he taught me swordplay , but we haven 't gotten along real well since mom died . " I almost laughed when she said that . I 'd been playing the coward so often recently … I needed a change . I looked over at Philana . " Thanks . " We sang again after that . Almost the whole walk back we were singing . And I really felt cheerful this time - everything would work out alright . With my dad , with the rebels … with Philana . I was happy , and I hoped things would stay that way . They didn 't . When we arrived back in Byshan , the city was in an uproar . At least , that 's what we thought from a distance . As we got closer , we could see what it was . The government had attacked , and the rebels were fighting back . We watched from the hills , then when it was all over the next evening , we went down into the town … only to find ruins , burnt buildings , and dead bodies . A few people milled about , looking for dead loved ones . Philana ran to someone , and as that someone turned , I saw it was her father . He swept her up and gave her a big hug , then they walked together . I saw her mouth moving , and knew she was telling him the story … the full version , too . It hurt to watch her with her father . My father and I hadn 't gotten along like that in a long time . I started to look for dad , but after searching all of Byshan , I couldn 't find him . I went to our apartment . There wasn 't much left except a single floor . I knew then that my father was dead . I moved slowly , walking to a low wall we used to play sports near . Sinking down onto it , I put my feet up on it and drew my knees up to my chest , and began to cry . Had it really only been somewhere near a week ago that I had left Byshan with Philana ? Only a little over a week ago I hadn 't had a care in the world except swordplay and sports ? I hated change . And worse than change , I was an orphan . Where would I go now ? I had nothing except what I was wearing , and that was torn and bloody . My life was falling to pieces around me . I was falling into deep and utter despair . Then I ran , not really knowing where , but when I stopped I was in a field with a watchtower and pile of rocks nearby . In my anger , I picked up a rock and threw it at the watchtower . And I did it again . And again . And again . I kept at it until my arm grew tired , then I fell back onto the soft hay and lay there , unmoving , for a while . I couldn 't go on living like this , if I was going to live , life had to have a purpose , a meaning . It did for Philana , for her father . They still had each other . Where would I go ? An orphan , with cut feet and nothing but the clothes on his back . Who would take me in ? The world kept on turning , but I wanted it to stop . I wanted it to suddenly go hurtling into space and kill us all with it . Life was awful for a week . I didn 't want to kill myself , that just wouldn 't work . But I sank deeper and deeper into despair and nothingness . So deep into the pit that I moved slowly and talked quietly . I ate almost nothing and did even less . I lived out in the field , going to Byshan only when I absolutely needed something . I seemed to turn into a wild man . I hated people , I hated life . And then Philana found me . I tried to run from her , but a small tug inside held me back . So she approached me , and I stood still . " I don 't want to . Dad 's gone , I 've got nothing left in the world . " I didn 't go , but I looked away . I took two stones in my hand , then set them on the ground side by side . Taking a few more , I began to build a small wall . Hope was being rebuilt I was climbing out of the pit of despair , and into a wonderful family , a home with Philana and her father . I 've always heard writing in first person is tough . . . but you did it great ! ! ! You always seem to have a good story , Kyleigh ! Way to go again ! Thanks . . . I find writing in first person easier , I don 't know why . It may be because I can go into their thoughts and it 's like writing that it 's me and I can kind of feel it better . . . . sounds strange , I know .