I can 't seem to get enough sleep today . I 've gone back to bed twice now and both times I slept for a few hours . I just got up again and I 'm not having any coffee for fear that I 'll not be able to sleep tonight . I 'm tempted to have coffee , because I want to wipe the cobwebs from my mind , but I 'll have to wait for them to disappear naturally . I do want to convince myself that such a thing is possible . That I don 't need the caffeine to get up to normal speed again . The radio / CD player got here and I installed it on the bookshelf beside my bed and have it tuned to talk radio . I fell asleep listening to it this afternoon . It was very pleasant . It is a cute little thing , white and orange and compact with a good sound . It is a good investment . The Exfactor canceled his visit today . He said his motorcycle wasn 't working . It seems to me his motorcycle isn 't working very often . He 's always getting his hands and clothes dirty repairing it . I have grave doubts about this unconditional love for motorcycles . I think he should get a reliable car . But then again , I 'm not married to him anymore , so it 's really none of my business . I have to convince myself to finish this , when all I want to do is lie down in bed and go to sleep . I think I will go put my pajamas on and my bathrobe . I actually don 't feel all that great . This is day 6 since I started decreasing my antidepressants and maybe it is catching up with me . I see the black dog pacing . I hope you all have a nice evening . Ciao , Nora Here I am with my cup of coffee and my cigarette . I have read blogs and left comments and answered my emails . For some reason my latest post got published without the ability to leave comments and I tried to fix it , but to no avail . I hope this doesn 't happen again . I would hate to have a problem with blogger that 's going to be hard to fix . I want no frustration like that at all . I have just turned on the light therapy lamp and the bright light of it is making my eyes squint in the early morning darkness . It is like a wake up call . Like going out in the bright sunshine . No doubt I will be perky as the early bird in no time at all . That , along with my coffee , should get me off to a good start . I will no doubt be as energetic as a go cart in the shortest amount of time and have limitless amounts of get up and go . I can hear my engine revving up now . It just needs a little more fuel . The book I started reading yesterday afternoon turns out to be very good . The subject matter is fascinating and it is very well written . There is not a hitch in it . It reads as easily as downing a plate of very good fettuccine with real Italian cheese . It is a true pleasure . The premise of the book is a difficult one and the story is complicated and not an easy subject , but she writes about it beautifully and convincingly . You look forward with a certain amount of dread , but with a lot of curiosity , to the real circumstances of the drowning of the sister and the almost drowning of the child who is so traumatized . The main character of the book is a force to be reckoned with , although quite disturbed . The father is a man of yet unknown strengths . I sat in my armchair with a tall glass of milk and the reading light by my side and an extra pillow for comfort and read the rest of the afternoon into the evening until it was time to watch the news . I didn 't read it when I went to bed at night . I merely got under the duvet and laid there in the semi dark and waited for sleep to come , which it did quickly . I thought about my blogging friends and wPosted by I 'm eating some fruity gumdrops that I bought at the tobacconist a while ago . I couldn 't resist the temptation and bought a big bag of them . They satisfy my taste buds and my stomach very much . The problem is that they fill me up very quickly and that they prevent me from eating anything else , so for now I 'm living on candy , which is not a preferable lifestyle . Sometimes I have to throw caution to the wind and live with complete abandonment . I like living dangerously and on the edge . I 'm so adventurous ! I had to get two new lighters at the tobacconist , because Tyke had eaten one that I had and the other one was almost out of fuel . All I got after many attempts was one tiny little flame , and speaking of living on the edge , that was just a little bit too scary for me . I didn 't know if I could light my next cigarette and the matches that I have are absolutely no good . They are as ineffective as a 120 year old man is in bed . They 're not like those Swedish matches that work anytime and anywhere . Swedish men probably do too . I also had to get trash bags and the tobacconist is very handy , because he stocks those . I was using a plastic bag , but it was getting full and I do like the fact that I don 't have to go all the way to the grocery store to get new trash bags . There 's nothing worse than standing in line for those . Never mind the fact that I don 't like riding my bike across the parking lot there , because you take your life in your own hands when you do . This is because of the drivers of cars who don 't count on you being there and have a strong desire to run you over and probably wouldn 't stop if they did . I checked my mail on the way back in and found another book from Bookmooch and that makes the total 4 received with 7 left to come . This book I just got looks very interesting and I can 't wait to start it . I think I will sit in the armchair this afternoon and start reading it . I will install myself with a cup of tea and my cigarettes and have a good old read . The book is called Drowning Ruth by Christina Schwarz . It waPosted by I was lying in bed last night in the semi dark , not reading my book , and I thought what I really needed was a radio / CD player so that I could listen to softly turned down music to fall asleep by . I have enough CD 's of music that I like well enough and also some of nature sounds that would be very soothing to listen to and I could order others . Then there are also radio stations that may be interesting to listen to and fall asleep to if I have the sound turned down low . It would quietly occupy my mind as a drift off to sleep . This is not a completely original idea , because Maggie May listens to the radio every night as she goes to sleep . I think she listens to talk radio and the soothing sound of the voices helps her fall asleep . That sounds very attractive . I 'm not always in the mood to read my book . Sometimes I 'm too tired to and just want to lie there by the light of the night light in the almost dark . The problem is keeping your mind occupied and keeping your thoughts from straying . Music would prevent that from happening . I ordered a radio / CD player on line that was not too expensive and it will be here tomorrow . I can put it on the bookshelf beside my bed and have it within easy reach and keep some CD 's there as well . I 'm looking forward to it . Especially the radio part as I haven 't listened to the radio in more than 2 years and am completely out of touch with the programming . I did fall asleep on my own last night without any help and slept well until a decent time this morning . I didn 't have any night sweats for a change and maybe that is because it 's so much cooler in the apartment . I always have to wear my bathrobe in the morning now and it 's no luxury . This comes from a person who likes to be cool in temperature . I like to be cool too in the popular sense of the word , but that 's another thing altogether . I don 't know if it 's possible to be cool at my age . I haven 't been accused of it in quite a while . I 'm having a very good cup of coffee and am enjoying my cigarette . I do very much like these early hours ofPosted by I finally did manage to get to bed some time early in the morning after having been up all night amusing myself behind the computer and thinking I would never go to sleep . I need not have despaired , though , because when I was finally in bed I slept like a rock in a hidden meadow . I do vaguely remember getting up once to let Tyke out , but I didn 't really wake up properly to do this . With half closed eyes I made it to the back door and back to my bed and went on sleeping until some time in the afternoon . Tyke slept on the bed with me and was very cooperative . I couldn 't ask for a better dog . I made myself a half a pot of coffee when I got up and soon was completely back to my senses . I felt pretty darn good and ready to enjoy what was left of the day . So was Tyke and we wrestled and played together and I made him speak . He thought it was funny that I barked and he did bark in return , but sometimes he gazes at me with a puzzled look and his head held to one side as if he doesn 't quite believe what he 's seeing . I do so appreciate a dog with a sense of humor . I do have to get my timing right . It 's been raining all afternoon , but you all know how much I like that and I think it 's very cozy . It makes me feel very sheltered and safe inside the apartment . It is dark in here , but that 's why I have the light in the corner of the living room turned on . Tyke is sitting in front of the window enjoying the view . It 's now become a habit that he sits there and it 's another way for him to amuse himself . He does very often have to share his space with Gandhi as they both like to sit there . I haven 't gotten out of my pajamas yet and think I won 't because it has now become evening and I think I won 't be going anywhere . I do very much appreciate a lazy Sunday like this and I 'm glad I got to sleep so late . Your brain functions better on a happier plane when it 's had enough sleep and you can 't fool your body . I 'm not going to turn on my Bright Light Energy Lamp , because I think I 've got quite enough energy . I 'm afraid it will make me hyper iPosted by I haven 't been to bed yet , although it is well past midnight . I 've spent the whole evening watching music and comedy videos on YouTube and I have been very well amused . The time flew by and I laughed a lot at the comedians and was moved by the music . It does a person good to have the emotions moved to a greater degree than just the ordinary every day ones . It sure felt good and it was worth staying up for . I feel like I 've had a night out . Of course , now I 'm so wide awake that I won 't be able to go to sleep for a while . I have to sit here for a bit and calm down and get in a go - to - bed mode . I 've only been drinking milk for the past couple of hours , I haven 't had any coffee for a long time . I should get tired soon , although maybe it would help if I heated the milk up . But wait , I 've just yawned for the first time , so there is hope . Maybe writing a blog post makes me sleepy . I 've used the Bright Light Energy Lamp for several hours today . Besides having it on this morning , I also had it on later in the day while I sat behind the computer . Maybe I got too much of it and that is why I 'm so full of energy . I must make sure I get enough darkness now . I do have to get enough hours of sleep , but tomorrow is Sunday and that means sleeping as late as Tyke will let me . That energetic little guy does wake me up when he has to go outside . Well , he is house broken , so what can I expect , right ? I discovered a top in my closet that I had no knowledge of and I put it on right away . It has three quarter sleeves , so it is perfect for this weather . I don 't know where I got it , but it fits . I seem to remember another top that I 'm supposed to have in my possession and I have to go look on the top shelf and see if it 's there . I only have some vague idea of what it looks like . I do know it 's black , but I don 't remember if it has long or short sleeves . I did do the ironing , by the way . I found a summer jacket that had been in the ironing basket for ages and I had forgotten all about its existence . It 's a short , beige , cotton jacket with metalPosted by What could be a better day than Saturday ? It 's the most perfect day of the week . It 's a day to celebrate , no matter how quietly and sedately , in my own particular way . I love the fact that the day stretches out ahead of me with no obligations and no appointments and no chores to do . It is an absolutely free day in which I can do , or not do , whatever I want . I can completely indulge myself and that 's exactly what I intent to do . The best part is that I will have no feelings of guilt about this . That 's it , guilt free living and enjoying it . Isn 't that great ? Every day of the week ought to be like that . It would be like living in paradise . I think that 's how it was supposed to be . I have to find a way to always do this and still achieve the things I have to do . Be responsible and yet feel free and not under constant pressure to achieve . There 's got to be a way to do that . It 's all in the mindset I 'm sure . I went to bed at a reasonable time , because I could not stay up later for want of sleep . I postponed it as long as I could , but finally had to go to bed because I was so tired . I did read my book for awhile , but was soon sound asleep . It was so comfortable in my bed and I couldn 't think of a better place to be . I have this particular duvet cover that 's very nice to sleep under and I 'm always glad when it 's on my bed . It 's really one for cooler weather and it 's exceptionally cozy and smooth to the touch . Last night was a perfect night for it , because it was cooler and I had the window open . I 'm sure it helps me sleep better and I 'd like to get another one like it . I 'll have to make a trip to Ikea . I think that 's where I got it . It 's nice to be up again and I have the Bright Light Energy Lamp on as I write this . I will have it on every morning as I sit behind the computer from now on until the springtime . I didn 't do this last year and I think it was a big mistake and I can 't really give a good explanation for why I didn 't use it . It was definitely an error in my thinking . I 've made a pot of coffee and it tastes great . Posted by I didn 't sleep quite as late as I had wanted to , but I slept until the early morning anyway and that 's not half bad . When I woke up it was raining buckets and Tyke refused to go out back , even though he needed to . He decided to wait until later . It 's still not stopped raining yet and I 've been up for an hour . It 's very cozy here by the desk lamp and I feel great and ready to start the day . I slept well and feel quite refreshed . I 've made a good pot of coffee , so nothing can go wrong with my morning . Well , not much anyway . I can think of some things , but I won 't go there . The most important thing is that it 's a brand new day with brand new possibilities , and that it 's Friday again , the end of the week , which is always a welcome time . I haven 't encountered a Friday yet that I don 't like . At least not in this stage of my life , but I think I 've always liked Fridays , as I 've always looked forward to the weekends , especially when my kids were young . I liked it when they were home from school and we could do things . I slept well in my newly made up bed and it was a pleasure to sleep under clean sheets . I 've got to wash the ones I took off immediately so I will have clean ones right way . It 's the pillow cases that I most need , having four pillows on my bed . That 's strictly for comfort . I like nothing better than having a thick , soft place to put my head . There 's nothing better to go to sleep on . Gandhi and Tyke both try to lie down by my pillows at night . They jockey for position and I have to chase Tyke to the lower end of the bed . There 's definitely not enough space for both of them , no matter how hard they try . Gandhi can be there . She 's such a little delicate cat that there 's room for her , but Tyke plants his big butt in my face and it 's not pleasant . He thinks he has to be wherever Gandhi is . He thinks he 's as small as she is and that he can go in the same places . He towers above her quite a bit . He 's 30 pounds worth of dog , so he may be little , but he 's still a force to be reckoned with . I 've got to jump in the shower Posted by I 'm learning to brew coffee in my new coffeemaker . How much ground coffee to use for 4 cups or for 6 cups , which translates into 2 or 3 mugs of coffee . I like my coffee strong , so I put heaping spoons full into the filter . It 's awful if I don 't put enough ground coffee into it , because I end up with a weak brew that I drink nevertheless , because I don 't want to waste it , although I would if it were really undrinkable , or so I tell myself . I 'm on a learning curve and almost have it right now . I 've got good ground coffee , so that 's not the problem . It 's just measuring the coffee right that 's the trick . I do want to be known for my good cups of coffee . I have my reputation to think of . I slept 10 hours last night after having written my last post . It helped to go to bed late and then sleep in one fell swoop , so I 'm going to do that again tonight . I won 't worry about what time I go to bed and I 'll wait until I 'm really good and tired . There will be no more going to bed early before the sun goes down . Going to bed with the chickens . Besides , the sun goes down earlier every evening and pretty soon I would be going to bed at dinnertime . Bed has been so tempting , but I think it has been a way to end the day prematurely and not really a place to go because I was so very sleepy and tired . I can do like I did this evening and take a short nap on the sofa . I went to see my SPN today under my umbrella . It was raining half an hour before I had to see her , so I walked over there , not willing to go on my bike and get soaking wet . It only takes me 20 minutes to walk over there if I don 't dawdle . It was good to see her and we had a nice talk . I told her that I had discovered that as the norm goes , I 'm actually quite normal . She was happy to hear that . I think she is glad that I made that discovery , because she wants me to think of myself as normal as possible . I think she likes the fact that I 've found out that the population at large is not nearly as sane as I thought it was and that everybody has their issues . I don 't need to feelPosted by I haven 't been to bed yet and although I 'm sitting here yawning , I 've decided to stay up a while longer . I 've just watched an Inspector Linley episode and it was exciting as usual with a surprising ending . There 's always a twist to the story at the end that I was not counting on . When you think the mystery has been solved , it turns out to be a little more complicated than that . Now I 'm sitting here with my last cup of Senseo coffee and the next cup will be from the coffeemaker that I still have to set up . I 'll have to set the clock on it using the instruction booklet and I will have to do that some time in the middle of the night when I get up again , or early in the morning if I 'm lucky . I may just surprise myself and sleep all night in one fell swoop , you never know . Stranger things have happened . Usually at this time of night I 've already slept a few hours and I 'm about ready to get up again . Now I think I 'm being smart and I 'm skipping that part . Tyke is standing on the dining table again looking out the window . It pleases him so much to do this and he knows he has to be on his best behavior , otherwise it is not allowed . He can 't bother Gandhi if she 's also on the table , he has to be a good boy . I slept until 11 o ' clock this morning and had a leisurely cup of coffee while I watched the news and woke up properly . Of course , I also have to bond with Tyke in the morning , so I 'm always busy when I first get up . I 'm lucky that I don 't have to walk him right away , because he 'll go out back until I 'm dressed and ready . I can take my time . I straightened out the kitchen afterwards and cleaned up all the debris that was strewn out over the living room floor . Tyke had been tearing things apart . He was in one of those moods . He goes looking for things to shred and they 're usually unimportant , so I let him . It gets his silliness out . I called my sister and I think she was glad to hear from me , because it meant that I was still on speaking terms with her . It is true that for a number of days I had felt a lot of frustration witPosted by It is possible that with the approach of autumn I 've been feeling a little more stress lately . Needless to say that shows up in the posts I 've been writing . I think there 's been the undertone of just a bit of neurosis in them and the last thing I want to do is come across as a neurotic woman . That means that I have to regroup and get my act together . I have to practice a bit of mindfulness and not let my high strung emotions run away with me . The best way to do that is to take deep breaths and slow down and stop and think about what I 'm doing . To take inventory of myself and my feelings and how I want to react to them and what I should do instead of acting in a knee jerk fashion . I can 't run around like a chicken with its head cut off , I do have more sense than that . One thing I won 't do anymore is go around making broad statements about myself . I will not say that I am something or other simply because I have decided that for a moment it is what I am most like . That 's dangerous and putting myself in a box with a label in which I possibly don 't belong . Besides , I don 't want to put myself in a box with a label . That 's too restrictive and doesn 't describe all of the many facets which also make me who I am . So , broad statements are out . I won 't pin myself down . I have to be mindful of the shorter days and the way the light slants in the afternoon . It is autumn light and the stormy weather and the rain make it feel like autumn too . It 's mostly the light , though , that makes the difference and I know it . I 'm familiar with the color of the sunlight at the end of the day at this time of year and I 'm familiar with the feelings of nostalgia and sadness that hit me . I think it 's time to bring out the Bright Light Energy Lamp and to sit in front of it half an hour every day . Anyway , I 'm sitting here with my cup of coffee in the middle of the night . I woke up because Tyke was pestering Gandhi , but I think I would have woken up anyway because I always do . I don 't really need an excuse for that . It has finally stopped storming , whiPosted by It 's late at night and I 'm having my usual cup of coffee , because I 'm not at all worried about it keeping me awake . Coffee doesn 't seem to have that effect on me . I 've already slept or should I say , had my nighttime nap , and now I 'll be awake for a while and sit here in the silence of the night all by my lonesome self . Well , I 'm not quite lonely , because I do have the animals and that is supposed to relieve my solitary existence somewhat . When I woke up , I had a revelation and I thought , " Why should I live this lonesome life , when what I want is to be part of a family and have a husband and children and grandchildren . ? " I want to be a member of an intimate group of people who are related to me and with whom I have meaningful relationships . I want to undertake things , see the world , go to the theater , see films , go to museums , go out for dinner , travel , enjoy the finer things of life before I die . Know love and be loved . At the same time I knew that these things would never happen and that I would have to accept my fate as it is and that 's what turns me into a cynic , because I see people complaining about their lives who have a lot more than I have , yet they don 't appreciate it while I try to make them feel better . I am a fool for doing so and I 'm not going to do it anymore . From now on I won 't play Mother Theresa anymore , but be a tough broad , and not waste my emotions on other people 's so called miseries . I feel that being a cynic is the only road open to me . I can 't be like my older sister who pretends to be one , but who in reality cares way too much and has her heart broken and is overly burdened . I 'd rather not believe in all those emotions and extremes of feelings and trying to find mutual understanding and compassion . I 'm actually quite disappointed , but don 't want that to get me down , so I choose the road of cynicism instead . Being a cynic saves you from getting emotionally involved up to your ears . It prevents you from getting in too deep into other people 's seemingly unsolvable problems that they refuPosted by I 'm up early this morning . I think after going to bed so early last night , and despite being up in the middle of the night , I 'm ready to be awake now and start the day . As a matter of fact , I feel in a jolly good mood and I can 't wait to get the show on the road . It is with pleasure that I sit here and drink my coffee . I will be fun to hop in the shower and get dressed and walk Tyke while it is still dry , though I will keep my fingers crossed , because it looks like it is going to rain any minute now . I 'm sitting here in my tank top and not much else , because it is warm in the apartment and I haven 't got the back door open yet . I will in awhile and open the kitchen window too . It should cool off quite a bit then , but it is too early to do that now . It is barely light outside and the sky looks threatening . We are expecting rain today and if it rained like it did yesterday , it will be another deluge . It came down in buckets as if it was a tropical monsoon and there were big puddles in the street . I 'm expecting the Exfactor today and I 'm looking forward to that , because I haven 't seen him since last week on Tuesday . It will be nice to sit and have a cup of coffee with him and have a chat , although our chats can be very boring and be about nothing important at all , but about motorcycles and his work . I 'll have to give a different twist to them and talk about politics and vegetarianism and the bio - industry . That ought to make it more interesting . He is also going to do the groceries for me , so I can 't make our talk too exhausting , otherwise he will not have the energy to do them . The domestic help is also coming and I have to make sure I clean up the apartment before she comes . Now , that 's not any real cleaning that I do , but just picking things up and generally getting things uncluttered and put away or thrown in the trash or the used paper box . I don 't actually clean things before she comes , like in scrubbing the toilet or in dusting the furniture . That would be foolish . I feel like dressing up today , but I think it 's goPosted by I went to sleep real early last night , it was still light outside , but I didn 't care . I was yawning and tired and ready to go to bed . I couldn 't think of a better place to be and all I could think about was how nice it would be to stretch out under the duvet and read my book . It had rained all evening , sometimes very fiercely , and I hoped it would keep on raining during the night . No such thing happened , though , and now it is only lightly cloudy , but it is still 20C outside and warm . Needless to say . because I went to sleep so early , I woke up after midnight and was wide awake again . That 's when my sleeping pill stops working . I should say , my fall asleep pill , because that 's all it is . I won 't get real sleepy again now for a few hours and then go back to bed . You could say that I 've had a long nap . I googled my boots and found a picture of them , but they were the wrong color and didn 't look nearly as elegant as they are , so I 'm not going to post it after all . Maybe I will take a photo of them when I get them tomorrow . I can take pictures of Tyke and Gandhi at the same time and post them too . You will finally get to see what Tyke looks like with his short haircut . Every once in awhile a dark thought crosses my mind . It is like a dark cloud crossing in front of the sun . It only lasts for a minute and then it is gone again , but for that minute I am steeped in moroseness and I am reminded of what it is like to be depressed . I hope these dark thoughts are not harbingers of a depression and I 'm trying to treat them lightly and not take them too seriously . I do want to be alert to the signs , though , and not be taken unawares . They are increasing in occurrence and that 's what I want to prevent from happening . I may have them due to circumstances . I am the support system of my younger sister , who wants advice , but who will listen to none of it and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again , no matter how much input I give her . I 'm now to the point where I want to withdraw my support and let her find her waPosted by The greatest danger of a lazy afternoon behind the computer is that you will end up spending money and I just did . I ordered a pair of boots . I can 't get the picture of them , although I tried because I wanted to share them with you . For some reason that didn 't work out . They are from Esprit and I got them on sale and saved 50 euros on them . I thought that was pretty darn good and didn 't want to waste the opportunity . They were calling my name and they were my size . I 'm congratulating myself with my good fortune . The coffeemaker has been delivered , but I haven 't unpacked it yet because I first want to use up my Senseo coffee pads or as long as the Senseo machine allows me to do it . On Monday the Exfactor is going to be here and I will ask him to get the best ground coffee and the unbleached filters when he goes to the supermarket . I would like to get the same brand as the coffee pads I use now , but I don 't know if they have that in regular ground coffee . It tastes good and is relatively inexpensive so it would be great if they did . I 'm going to change my bed in a little bit and do a load of laundry . I have some clothes I have to wash and they will go in with the sheets and pillow cases . I will look forward to a clean bed tonight . I always want to make sure that I have something good to look forward to , no matter how small the event is . Yesterday it was a chocolate bar that I had saved from my trip to the tobacco shop . It was a real treat . I do like chocolate so very much and allow myself to have some about once a month or so . I think having it more often would be dangerous . I haven 't been on the bathroom scale for a while , but I rely on the way my clothes fit me to know if I 'm gaining or losing weight . I seem to be okay and I don 't want to neurotically step on the scale all the time , although there were periods when I did that . I 've broken myself of that habit . I don 't worry about how much I weigh . I worry more about how my clothes fit me and about how I look . If I feel good about myself , I don 't worry about anythingPosted by Someone asked to see a picture of my slippers , so I 'm including it here . Clearly I 'm counting on good weather for a while , at least in August and September , so my toes will get a tan and generally my feet too . I 'm planning on wearing them everyday until it gets too cold . I 'm reading Deja Dead by Kathy Reichs and I love her clinical descriptions of the brutally murdered , badly decomposed bodies she has to examine and draw conclusions about . Everything is very graphic , yet I read it with a certain detachment as if I were a forensic anthropologist myself . Doubtlessly , I would not be that composed when faced with the actual evidence itself . Things are very gory and don 't leave much to the imagination and you do have to have a stomach for it . As thrillers go , it is a good one and well written . Unfortunately , it fell to the floor during the night and Tyke has torn off the front cover and the last few pages . I hope this doesn 't hinder me in finishing the book . When I let Tyke out back last night in the dark , he started barking very fiercely at something I couldn 't see and he would not stop and come in when I called him . I got a flashlight and discovered a large hedgehog sitting in the middle of the patio . I pulled Tyke inside by his collar and hoped the hedgehog would have enough sense to leave . An hour later I looked all around the patio and the flowerbeds with the flashlight and he was gone . Thank goodness for that . Tyke didn 't realize what he was messing with . My personal helper has been here and my domestic help too . I am all set for the weekend . My personal helper motivates me to get the jobs done that I 've left for later and helps me get the place ready for the domestic help . I 'm always very happy when the domestic help is done on Fridays . I feel like the weekend properly starts when she is gone . I like her a lot , don 't get me wrong , but it 's great to have a clean apartment all to myself . I just ordered a coffeemaker on line . I just got an ordinary one because it was inexpensive and I will buy ordinary coffee . I will Posted by Today was a nice enough day . I did nothing very important at all and that was just fine with me . I am convinced that there ought to be days like that in which I do nothing earth shattering and that are completely forgetful . Well , let me correct that , it wasn 't quite that forgetful . I did have coffee this morning with my sisters so that was a memorable occasion . It 's not very often that the three of us sit together and reminisce about love and life . I think my older sister feels a little bit left out because she lives so far away and never gets to share her feelings except over the phone which is a lousy way to do it . It has been an eye opener to have the three of us together and to see our different strengths and weaknesses . It was like looking into different mirrors and seeing multiple reflections . I very much saw my own strengths and was not disappointed . I measure up pretty well , but I saw strengths in them too and was surprised . I suppose I saw humanity reflected in them more than anything . The basic state of being a human being . In the afternoon I took a long nap on the sofa because I had only slept 5 hours during the night . That was not enough sleep to make it through the day . I was watching Sail 2010 with the tall sailing ships and gently drifted off to sleep . I was awakened by the loud ringing of the intercom because a delivery person was there with a book I had ordered and the package didn 't fit in the mailbox which was highly inconvenient . It 's horrible to be awakened like that . That bell rings very loud and it scares you half to death . The other book I had ordered had been sent separately and it had fit in the mailbox because of different packaging . The one hand not knowing what the other hand is doing , I guess . I had a cup of coffee to clear up the cobwebs in my mind and a piece of Brie against the hunger , that always helps . I do love the flavor of a good piece of Brie and it satisfies me so much . Tyke likes it too . It is our favorite snack . My younger sister called me at 7 o ' clock because she had bought mePosted by I kept my appointment yesterday at the psychiatric clinic for the enrollment in the different classes because I thought it might be very smart if I did considering my options . I met with the woman in charge and she was very nice and went over my application with me quickly and filled an additional questionnaire out with me . There was really no problem and everything went smoothly . I opted for the creative class and the musical class , although there are waiting lists for both , but I expected that and I 'm willing to wait a while . We stopped by one of the creative classes and I saw someone I knew from one of the creative therapy classes I used to go to and it was very nice to see a familiar face and maybe I will see more people I know . Everybody else in the class looked very normal so I may be worried for nothing at all . The whole process of signing up was pretty painless and no big deal at all . I don 't know why I had been so concerned about it . Maybe it was the woman who put me at ease . After I had done that and taken care of all the formalities , I rode my bike over to my younger sister 's house because my older sister was there . She had arrived by train from the North and my younger sister had picked her up from the station at noontime . I had not seen my older sister in quite some time and it was good to see her and when the three of us were together , it was really funny to see the similarities in character in us . Our voices also sound very similar . We spent the afternoon out on the patio being sisters and taking care of sister 's business as sisters do . We straightened each other out and agreed and disagreed . Late in the afternoon , we took my younger sister 's dog to my place and walked the dogs because Tyke had been alone all afternoon . He sure was happy to see me . I think he thought I had abandoned him forever . Afterwards we went for dinner at my younger sister 's house and I even managed to eat some spaghetti which I had not eaten in a long time and it was good . We sat at the table for a long time afterwards and talkedPosted by Yesterday , when I told my SPN about my reluctance to go to the creative classes at the clinic , she showed some concern . She thought I was being overly confident now and that I thought I could do without the built in support of the system there and enroll in a regular course , but that I had not considered what would happen if my mood changed in the fall when things would become more difficult and I would be harder to motivate and need more encouragement . It was obvious to her that I would not find this support and encouragement in a regular course where I would be required to attend every session no matter how I was doing at any particular time and that there would be no excuses for not showing up . I would have to attend the classes regularly just like any other person and not have an excuse such as depression dismiss me from my responsibilities . There would be no pep talks over the telephone from concerned individuals who would want to know how I was and who would try to talk me into trying to show up again . In the creative classes at the clinic , there is at least an awful lot of leeway because they are used to people with " conditions " who need extra care and who are victim to extenuating circumstances . Although my SPN praised my willingness to be out among " normal " people , she also saw the danger in it , but she does want me enrolled in some sort of a program before the fall starts . I had planned to cancel my appointment with the woman to enroll me in the creative classes at the clinic , but I have decided to go to it anyway tomorrow and see what she can come up with for me . Maybe there will be a good opening . In the meantime , I have checked out the courses that are available for me to take instead and found out that they are very expensive . The ones that I was interested in taking cost several hundred euros each for 26 weeks and are only given at night . Of course , I can 't afford these and would not want to go at night . There 's no subsidy for them and the tuition is calculated on your age and postal code , which is vePosted by I think I 've slept sufficiently enough and now I 'm ready to start the day . I woke up before my alarm clock went off , but I 'm fit as a fiddle and wide awake . I 'm drinking my first cup of coffee and will have another one shortly . It sure tastes good this morning as coffee does some days . Maybe that 's because I just opened a new pack and the coffee is fresh . I inhaled it deeply when I did . I 'm going to see my SPN this morning after failing to see her last week because I slept through the time for the appointment . I will make no such error today . I 'm looking forward to seeing her because I 've been feeling very sane lately and it will be good to talk to her under those circumstances . Not that I normally feel that crazy , you mustn 't get that impression , but lately I know what I 'm doing very well . I feel very normal . It 's nice to have your head screwed on straight and to know it . Tyke 's tennis ball was temporarily lost , but I just retrieved it from underneath the sofa and needless to say , he 's bouncing it around the living room now and pretty soon I 'll have to get involved in the game also . Right now he 's managing without me . As long as he 's amused for a while , I 'm happy . It 's cold out today and it 's going to rain again . Right now it is only 15C and it 's even cool inside , which is about time . I 'm wearing my bathrobe because I 'm sitting in a draft . I would have been thrilled about that last month , but now my feet are cold . I 'm not going to close the windows , though . I won 't do that until frost threatens and that 's a few months away yet . Knock on wood . For the past 15 minutes I 've hardly been able to type because Tyke has involved me in his game and I 've also had to retrieve the tennis ball from hard to get to places numerous times . I think he displaces them on purpose . He comes to me with a sorrowful looking face and leads me to the spot where the ball is stuck . He 's so happy when I find it . I 've got to stop writing because I have to get the show on the road . I have to get showered and dressed and take Tyke for a walk . It 's nPosted by I 'm supposed to be in bed already . As a matter of fact , I was there until a little while ago after I had already taken my sleep medication , but then I decided that I was still wide awake and I got up again . Apparently , it wasn 't cozy enough in bed , although I can hear the sound of the rain and I have clean sheets . I think I was just not really ready to go to sleep and the animals were distracting me too much with their shenanigans . They kept climbing on top of me making it impossible for me to read my book properly . Tyke was especially breathing down my neck . He does have a way of making his presence known . All afternoon and evening we have been playing with the tennis ball . That means I have to try and get it away from him and toss it through the apartment without breaking anything and he chases it and comes back to me holding it tantalizingly close to my hands , but just without reach . I have to trick him into letting it go so I can toss it away again . He never tires of this game and has finally figured out that he has to drop the ball if he wants to get my attention so I will pick it up and throw it . He barks at me to alert me to it . Sometimes the ball disappears underneath the sofa and I have to use the African walking stick to get it out from underneath . It 's been raining nonstop all day . It hasn 't let up once . Sometimes it rains a little more and sometimes a little less , but it always rains . It 's supposed to rain all night until tomorrow morning and then some . We may get a break later in the day . It 's very cozy inside , but I have been unable to walk Tyke . He has been out back for little periods of time and I hope it 's been enough to take the pressure off , but he 's not begging to go outside . He 's been watching the rain steadily fall from the heavens and he doesn 't like to get wet . Besides playing with Tyke , I 've been watching sports on television . I 've had my share of sports now as I 've watched them all afternoon and evening . I even watched football and I watched games I didn 't care about . I also watched the EuropPosted by