My brother ( # 2 with the cray - cray ex ) called me last evening to see how I was doing . I was kind of surprised but pleased , because I didn 't expect it from him . My father has been checking on me by phone , too . I did okay last night , though I stayed up late again . I didn 't have any snake nightmares that I remember , but I was so damn exhausted when I turned off the lights and TV that I probably didn 't have the energy to dream . I was up on time to feed the dogs this morning and take them out . No sign of the snake , but I didn 't hang around looking for it either ! After that , I went back to bed , hoping that I could waste some hours by sleeping . I dozed on and off for a couple of hours , but Butthead decided I needed to get my ass out of bed ( bark bark bark bark bark bark ) , so I gave up . Today was the slowest and least active day of the four . I didn 't cook anything or bake anything or clean anything . I ate soup for lunch and leftover takeout food for dinner . And I had gelato as a snack this afternoon because I wanted it . The snake repellent showed up via Amazon one day delivery . I immediately took it out and sprinkled the smelly crap all over the garden and bushes up against the house . I think the smell kind of freaked out Butthead , but that doesn 't take much . I have no clue if it 'll work , but I guess it makes me feel slightly better to try doing something . I went to visit my father ( which I 've done every day over these past four days ) and spent a little time chatting with him . I talked to Hub a few times , but he 's been busy site - seeing and hanging out with his father and sister . Soon he 'll be on the plane heading home … and I couldn 't be happier . I hope the flight is swift and easy and he can rest as he wings his way home . Took the dogs out at 10pm and saw no snakes . That was good news . Of course , I let them pee and hurried them back into the house . When Hub is home , he allows Le Moo to lounge on the patio for a while at 10ish , but I wasn 't letting her get away with that . Especially with the potential for snake - lurking . I 've got half a book to read , so once it 's done I 'll turn out the lights and try to sleep for a couple of hours . I have my alarm set to get up in the morning and to call my father to wake him . He 'll drive to the airport with me to pick up Hub , since I don 't like to drive the interstate to get to the airport . I mean , I could do it , but I don 't like to and my father likes to help when he can . Thanks for sticking with me , ya 'll . I really blogged this week so I can remind myself that I was able to do this if I ever have to look back . But honestly , it did help to know you all were rooting for me , too ! I stayed up reading last night until about 1 am , then fell asleep . Then I was up at 5 : 45 am and that was it , I was up for the day . I tried to fall back asleep , but couldn 't . I finally got out of bed at 7 : 30 and fed the dogs , then took them out . Then I went back to bed but was too restless to even doze . I had to be out of the house by 9 : 30 for my massage , so I just gave up and got dressed at 8 : 30 . I thought the massage would be good and relaxing - since I did ask for a relaxing massage and not trigger point - but I kind of felt icky and my head felt real stuffy and swollen when I was on my stomach . And my face felt swollen in the face rest thingy . Afterward I was so tired that I had trouble driving home . Then I had to feed the dogs their mid - day meal and take them out . I had hoped to rest after that , but it didn 't work out . I tried reading and watching TV , but the dogs kept wanting to go out so I kept having to get up . On and off I IM 'd with Hub as he was running errands and getting things ready for the wedding . He 's getting kind of irritated with his father at this point . They don 't really get along too well on a regular basis , and their politics are polar opposite . So Hub is feeling edgy and unhappy . He still has to get through tomorrow without going crazy , then tomorrow night late he gets on the plane to come home overnight . Okay , so I did the dinner thing and fed the dogs and retrieved a wedding invitation from my mailbox from my cousin . I went to check in on my father to see if he got his invitation , then to remind him he needed to try on his suit , in case he needed to buy a new one . Then I came home , I took the dogs out , did their after dinner snacky , took them out again , then sat down to read and play some games on my iPad . I was able to stretch out the evening so I only had to take the dogs out again at 10pm before bedtime . So at 10pm I take them downstairs and outside . One goes one way , the other goes the other way , so I stand just off the deck on our small paver patio to wait for them . Then I see Le Moo sniffing at something on the patio about 3 feet away from me … and I step closer to take another look . It 's cicada time here , so I was thinking it was a live cicada and she was going to try to eat it - experience speaking here - and I was prepared to admonish her . And then I realized it wasn 't a cicada . On my patio , right off my deck , right outside my back door . Last Friday I beat a smaller snake to death out in the yard after I nearly walked on it while picking up dog poop . Fortunately , I spotted it while still about six inches away and I hotfooted it back to the house and grabbed the hard metal rake that had been sitting on the deck . I found the snake in the yard again - out toward the back closer to the fence and the " woods " back there - and I beat that fucker to death . It took me like five minutes because the damn thing wouldn 't die … I think because there are ruts in the grass out there so I wasn 't getting good contact with it . When I was sure it was dead I used the rake to pick it up and I threw it out over the fence into the brush . I hurt my arms , my back , and the back of my legs trying to kill it . Okay , so back to tonight . The damn snake is on the patio , brazen as you please , bigger than the one from Friday - at least 2 feet long - head up , glaring at Le Moo . Le Moo starts backing away and I order her to go up onto the deck . But Butthead is out on the other side of the snake in the yard , peeing , and she finishes and comes running back and she always runs on the patio . And of course she has to run right past the snake , which she does , but then she does a double - take and goes back … and I 'm screaming at her to get away from the damn snake and she 's sniffing right at it because she 's STOOPID . So I finally order her away and both dogs into the house , and I rush into the garage to get a shovel … but by the time I get back outside the fucker is GONE . So now it 's either in the bushes right up against the house and next to the patio , or it 's in the grass somewhere . So now I gotta go back out there tomorrow , wondering where it is . Is it lurking in the bushes ? In the grass ? Is it gonna jump out and BITE ME or the dogs ? I don 't like killing things . Friday was the first time I 'd ever killed a snake … or probably anything other than ants and spiders . Before that , Hub had killed two of them since we 've lived in this house . We 've never had snake problems before we moved here . I 'm not happy about killing anything . But … I have nightmares about snakes attacking me and biting me and all kindsa shit . I 'm NOT good with snakes in my yard . Yes , I know they keep rodents away . Yes , I understand that the snakes in my yard are not likely to be venomous . Yes , I even understand they are not likely to actually bite unless threatened … but guys , it 's a goddamn snake and I am afraid of snakes . I 'd rather let the owls and the hawks take care of the rodents and let the snakes go somewhere else . ANYWHERE ELSE . AWAY FROM HERE . I ordered snake repellent from Amazon , to be delivered sometime tomorrow . It 's not likely to help , I 'm aware , but I 'm desperate to try anything to keep these things away from the house . I mean hey , live your life out there in the woods Snakey - snakey … just not here in my yard or on my patio or in the goddamn bushes next to my house . So yeah , day 3 is done . I am managing but I 'm damn tired . And I 'm not looking forward to the snake nightmares tonight , or the anxiety of watching out for snakes tomorrow in real life . Ugh , Last night could have been worse , I guess . I stayed up later than usual - about 1am - but by then I was so tired from being up at 3am and on the going mostly since then that I was able to doze off for a couple of hours at 1 . Then I slept fitfully after that , waking up just before my alarm time to feed the dogs . I hit snooze and laid in bed a bit longer … until Butthead woke up and went over to Hub 's side of the bed and began poking at the comforter . I had to try to explain to her that he wasn 't there ( did she think he snuck in overnight sometime and she didn 't notice ? ? ) , but she didn 't seem convinced . It took me a few minutes to get her to follow me downstairs so I could feed her and Le Moo breakfast . After their breakfast and a trip outside , I went back upstairs to bed and dozed for another hour or so . Today I pretty much distracted myself by chopping and sauteeing a ton of mushrooms to add to my soup when I nuke it for lunch . Then I ate lunch and read a book . I found a Gidget marathon on television , which I pretty much left on all day and only turned off about ten minutes ago and only because it ENDED . At some point after lunch I tried to make my ( in ) famous peanut butter cookies for the brother who installed my floodlight cam , but I used low fat peanut butter ( at his request ) instead of regular peanut butter and the cookies came out flat . I have no idea what the issue was , but my brother said they still tasted good , they were just flat instead of puffy . When I took the bags of cookies over to my father 's house for my brother , I stayed for a while to talk about some stuff with Dad . Then we took pictures of some junk he wanted to try to sell on Craigslist ( I hate CL ) and I came home and listed them . Then I sent some curse - filled email responses to some spammers who responded almost immediately to one of the listings . So that was fun . Then I read another book and half - watched / half - listened to more episodes of Gidget until it was time for dinner . Fed the dogs , outed the dogs , cleaned up after the dogs ' outing , then made myself some dinner . Half leftovers , half food I cooked myself . While I was eating , my brother sent me a text with a picture of a teeny tiny baby deer that was curled up next to his house . He spotted it while he was mowing and was concerned it was injured . By the time Dad and Brother went inside to find a phone number for animal control and then returned outside , the little booger had disappeared . I suspect it was hiding there in the " tall " grass waiting until the riding mower stopped and the stupid people disappeared . We have a pretty big herd of deer living in our back property , so I assume this little baby got separated and was waiting for mama to return for it . At this point , I 'm tucked in upstairs after taking the dogs out a couple of more times during the evening . The hall lights are on , the bedroom door is locked , the dogs have finally settled in . I 'm pretty sure both dogs are confused as to where Hub is , but no matter how much I explain they just give me the same look . Right now I 'm tired and in some pain from all the extra activity , but I 'm managing . I 've heard from Hub a couple of times today . He didn 't sleep well last night - he never does away from home - and his schedule today with his father seemed … odd . They " ran errands " and did a little bit of touristy site - seeing of some beaches . His father was SO hyped to have Hub out there to visit , but they don 't seem to be doing much . And Hub is counting the days to getting back home more than I am . Tomorrow evening is the wedding , so they won 't be doing much else other than that . I 've got another book here with me and I 've got the nightly news on TV . I might rent or catch a movie on TV after the news until I 'm too tired to stay awake anymore . Last night I caught the tail end / hour of YaYa Sisiterhood because I couldn 't find anything else . Tonight … well who knows ? Tomorrow I go to see my massage therapist in the morning , but I 'm getting a RELAXING massage instead of trigger point . Something to look forward to . We dropped Hub off this morning at 4 : 15am for his flight . After I got home and let the dogs out , I instant messaged with Hub until he boarded the plane at 5 : 45 . By then I 'd already fed the dogs and gotten back into bed . I dozed for a few hours , then got up and went about my day . For the most part I felt like Hub was at work and I allowed myself to just be that way . I 've almost read two books and I pretty much had movies on the TV all day , although mostly they were movies I 'd already seen . I had Mama Mia ! on the TV maybe three times at random points through the movie , because I like singing those songs and they passed the time more easily . Hairspray was on at least once , too . I 've done okay for most of the day . Unfortunately , around 9 : 30pm tonight , Butthead freaked out and had her tail tucked under and was barking hysterically while backing her way into the bedroom where I was reading and watching TV . I went out into the hallway and checked all the rooms up here ( she refused to follow me and instead ran down the stairs ) , but I have no idea what her major malfunction was . I took them out in the darkness , but luckily it was a little rainy , so both dogs ran out and peed and ran right back to the door to go in . So we kind of settled into the bedroom at that point and after some treats and wandering around , they both have settled in . I suspect they are also exhausted from starting their day at 3am . I 've talked to Hub twice on the phone and a few more times on instant messenger . He seems to be okay but the last we talked about an hour ago , he was sounding just exhausted . I hope he 's going to sack out soon , even though it 's pretty early in the evening out there . He said he kept moving his legs around on the plane , even though first class wasn 't as roomy as he 'd hoped , and that he felt okay when he deboarded . Is that a word ? Deboarded ? What else do they call it ? Anyway , he says he felt okay and when I talked to him later he said he was feeling okay just tired from the long day . I was happy to hear from my SIL by phone ( I couldn 't figure out the damn facetime thing through FB 's messenger ) after she opened my gift to her for her wedding . I crocheted her a blanket that turned out to be about queen size ( the pic below is spread out on a king size guest bed ) in these amazing colors that made me think of her . Hub 's father said she has walls in her house painted in yellow and orange , so I found this awesome yarn and went to town . Took me several months ( and a lot of pain ) to get the blanket done , but apparently she loved it a lot . Made me feel like the work was worth it . I saw my father earlier when I took the dogs out this afternoon and he reminded me that I could stay at his house overnight or whatever . I said I was going to try to stay home , but if I had any issue I would just hike over there with the dogs and stay there . Around 8 : 30pm tonight he called to see how I was doing and how my day had gone . Then he reminded me that if I had any trouble I should just let myself into his house no matter what time it was . Then he gave me his late - night schedule so I would know how late he would be awake , but then he told me again to just come over whenever I need to . I 'm not sure if I 'll be able to sleep tonight or not . I still have some reading left in my second book of the day and a youtube video to watch for a channel I subscribe to . I dunno … I 'm locked in the bedroom with the dogs and I 'm sure I 'm safe ( even though I 'm kind of worried that I locked the bedroom door and if someone needs to get in here to rescue me for some reason the locked door will be an issue ) , but it 's still weird . I kind of hope I 'll be tired enough to fall asleep at some point . I had my regular soup for lunch and leftover takeout for dinner , so eating wasn 't a major issue today . I have more takeout again for tomorrow night 's dinner if I want it , and I ( pressure ) cooked up a fresh pot of my lunch - soup this morning so I have enough for the rest of the week . It 's boring , but I eat soup most days of the week for lunch because it means I don 't have to think about it . I dump it in a bowl , add some sauteed mushrooms , and nuke it … easy - peasy no thinking . Also , the soup is bean soup , so it 's pretty healthy … protein and fiber and veggies and carbs , all - in - one . I 'm still feeling lousy . There are days when I barely have the energy to do anything , including feed myself . I force myself to get up , do things , take care of the dogs and myself . In between , I rest . I get outside with the dogs for a 10 - 20 minute stroll every day around the yard as the weather allows so I am at least moving somewhat . I 've read a couple of books and I 'm trying to do some crocheting in small doses . But I feel lousy . My imbalance , the nausea , heartburn , fatigue , pain … it 's all still here . Sleeplessness , heat intolerance … I 'm hot and cold all the time . Sometimes I feel sweaty when there 's no sweat . Sometimes my hands and feet are sweaty and clammy . Today I have tingling in my fingers and face . And always the pain in various parts of my body . Both shoulders are bad , and for one of them I can 't lift my arm up above shoulder height . I 'm eating small amounts of food and feeling full , then feeling hungry again later . Rinse and repeat when I eat again … small amounts of food and feeling full , then hungry again . Our health insurance doesn 't kick in again until May 1st . Even so , the last time ( s ) I saw my doctor , she found nothing troubling . It could still be grief . I 'm sad a lot , but I 'm also exhausted a lot . Sometimes I 'm not sure if I 'm sad or tired . This stuff has all been going on since the beginning of February . It doesn 't seem as if it 's going away … it 's coming up on three months . I can 't imagine it 's just going to disappear anytime soon . As if I didn 't have enough to think about , the biggest issue looming is that Hub is flying to California soon for his sister 's wedding . He 's going to be gone for five days . And I 'm going to be alone , having to take care of myself and the dogs 24 / 7 for those days . I 'm going to be in this big stupid house all by myself , day and night , for five days . I 'm going to have to be up early to feed the dogs , and then I 'm going to have to be up and alert late to make sure they get out at night before bed . And then I 'm going to be alone overnight in the darkness . I haven 't been alone like this since before I first got sick over 17 years ago . The last time Hub traveled - maybe eight years ago - I stayed with my parents with the dog we had at that time so they could help me . But it 's different now . My mother is gone , and she 's the one who kept everything in line in their house . My heat intolerance is bad and Dad still keeps their house too hot for me , so I 'll feel horrible all day and not sleep at night . Butthead is difficult to keep track of , and I can 't trust my father or my brother to make sure she 's not eating things in the yard late at night or early in the morning . The friends I have who are local have their own lives , work , families , pets , I can 't ask them to come help me . I considered hiring someone , but having a stranger in the house while I 'm here alone is frightening to me . I 've considered staying up all night and sleeping all day , but the dogs go out multiple times during the day so I 'd have to be awake and dressed to do that repeatedly during daylight hours . That means no sleep at night and basically no sleep during the day . I could try to sleep at night but being alone in the house overnight is scary for me and I 'm not sure I 'll sleep . Not sleeping will , of course , make everything worse . This all makes me feel like an invalid . But I 'm honestly afraid to be alone 24 / 7 for five days . I don 't know how I 'll deal with pain and anxiety and exhaustion without any support or reprieve from taking care of the dogs and myself . There are moments when I think I will be able to handle it , and then there are moments when I am positive I won 't be able to handle it . The truth will probably live somewhere in between , in the end . I have avoided thinking about this since February , when Hub bought his tickets , but it 's coming too soon for me to keep pushing it aside . I 'm feeling so shitty , I can 't even . Period . I spend much of my days fighting the nausea and the fatigue … I 'm exhausted before I get going . And now … and now , my imbalance is back in a big way . I 'm struggling to walk without falling over , and I 'm back to touching walls and handrails and tables and whatever in order to keep myself stable . This is a huge slide backward for me , as I haven 't had this kind of imbalance in quite some time . I went back to the doctor AGAIN because I 'm still exhausted and I 'm still nauseated . She told me I was acting better this time versus the last visit , but she 's still thinking I have a virus that I need to just " wait out " . She sent me for more blood work ( ANA , rheumatoid arthritis , lyme , iron , b12 ) , but everything came back normal . My b12 is a tad on the low side for my history but still in the normal range . I 've ordered my b12 sublingual pills and will start them ASAP . Maybe it 's that , maybe it 's stress and grief , maybe it 's something else . I have no idea and apparently neither does my doctor . She said to drink more water and walk outside for 20 - 30 minutes a day . She says dehydration can cause nausea - and maybe it can - but my drinking habits haven 't altered much . Except now I feel like shit and so I don 't want to do anything , including drink . If I go walk outside my allergies will get worse and I 'll have more breathing trouble and more snot and more post - nasal drip and more nausea . The doctor didn 't care for that and told me to do it anyway , that being outside and walking will make me feel better and get rid of my fatigue . I 'm not eating much because I 'm so nauseated all the time . I rush through eating what I can before I feel like I can 't put anything else in my mouth at both lunch and dinner , then I leave my dishes in the sink and go back to the couch . I spend most of my days on the couch , barely even bothering to look at my computer . I try to stay upright , but I 'm so exhausted all the time that I end up stretched out and wishing that the day was just over . I don 't know why I wish for that because at this point tomorrow will be much of the same . I feel like I 'm sliding into this despair of thinking that I 'll never feel better . That it will always be like this . I am trying to push past the exhaustion and do stuff - I did three loads of laundry on Sunday - in the hopes that if I ignore what 's going on it will go away . But by the time I do anything , I feel this crushing fatigue again and I end up on the couch . Or in bed . Sleeping is a negatory . I try to sleep but it doesn 't work , and when I wake up in the morning I can hardly haul myself out of bed . I don 't feel rested or refreshed or like I even closed my eyes . I want to cry but I 'm too fucking tired to cry . I was supposed to go see my massage therapist on the 14th but our local snow canceled that appointment . I was also scheduled to go tomorrow morning , but I literally got an email at 9 : 30pm saying she 's sick and has to cancel . And for sure I 'm grateful because I do NOT want to get sick and it sounds like she has the flu , but I 'm so disappointed . For one thing , I was hoping some trigger point release would help with my imbalance and nausea ( hoping , though not confident ) … for another thing , getting onto her schedule is a bitch and even though I rushed I struggled to get back onto her calendar . It 'll be two weeks before I can get back in to see her , which might not be horrible because if she DOES have the flu I wouldn 't want to be back in her " hands " too soon . But it 's hard to miss appointment after appointment when I 'm feeling so poorly . Hub tried to send me a link to a list of massage therapists in the area , but none of them do trigger point AND it 's hard to just find a new massage therapist . It 's like a mental therapist … you have a relationship built up . It 's not so easy to walk into someone 's space and get naked and let them rub you for an hour . I see T on Friday , which is the day after the one year anniversary of my mother 's passing . Just happens to be how it worked out . Considering how things are going at the moment , it 's going to be a long , sobby appointment . I can 't stand this constant nausea . Every time I swallow I feel sick . Every time I move I 'm wobbly and off balance and that makes the nausea worse . If I didn 't have the dogs , I 'd be in bed all day . I gave thought to going back to bed after lunch today because Butthead had peed and pooped after HER lunch so I knew she 'd be okay for a while , but I didn 't want to give in . I 've been in that place where I didn 't get out of bed for weeks ( with my prilosec fever ) and that 's a bad road to head down . It only makes me weaker and makes me feel worse . Hub 's birthday dinner with his family is this coming weekend . I don 't know how I 'm going to go … by 3pm , I 'm so exhausted I can barely sit at our kitchen table for dinner , how am I going to get out and go to a restaurant and be " on " for his family ? For hours … We didn 't go out on his birthday because I couldn 't get up the energy . We didn 't go donate the dolls and bears I crocheted to the police station because I didn 't have the energy to leave the house . I don 't know what to do now . I don 't know what path to take . I don 't know how to do anything right now . I know that for real it has to do with my mental , emotional , and physical pain . All of those wrapped into one , split into pieces , kneaded into each other , and then rolled into a throbbing ball of oneness . I 'm so on edge that one small scrape and I 'm raw and bleeding profusely , figuratively . I cried on the way to the grocery store this morning . Not because I had to go to the grocery store , not because I was worried about being able to afford the trip to the grocery store , not because I was afraid I was going to have an anxiety attack in the grocery store … I cried because I couldn 't not cry . I 'm tired , I 'm not sleeping , I 'm worried about Hub and I 'm worried about Butthead . I 'm worried about myself , too . My grief is overwhelming every part of my life and I can 't seem to dig my way out of it . Hub is agonizing over a job offer - in part because it might mean less flexibility and he worries that he won 't be able to come home if I need him - that he received on Friday . I 'm worried for him because I don 't feel that the company was being up front with him … they kind of bait and switched the job position ( which they apparently did to the guy before him , someone Hub knows ) . I am concerned he won 't have any backup on his work , and I 'm worried because if this is how they treat potential employees , how do they treat current employees . But Hub is unhappy in his current job and looking for a way out . Our health insurance changed due to the buy - out , so he 's both unhappy with the new corporate owners and unhappy with their shitty health insurance . Unfortunately , the potentially new company has equally shitty health insurance … so that kind of cancels out the pro / con in that category . Now they 're not budging on a concession he asked about ( a minor concession on their part ! ) , so that might be the end of that . I only hope that his current corporate overlords don 't decide that he 's no longer needed before he finds something else . Butthead is randomly puking again . I mean , it 's good news that she 's not persistently puking like the last episode where we ended up rushing her to the vet hospital and coming home with anti - vomit pills … But this randomly throwing up ( twice in the last four days … one of which was this morning which was another reason why I was so upset ) is so frustrating . We don 't know if she 's sneaking and eating bad things outside or has gastritis and so her stomach hurts her or what … We 're at the point where we 're acclimating her to a basket muzzle that she 'll have to wear anytime she 's outside so she doesn 't eat crap off the ground and make herself sick . It 's hard and sad to make her wear a muzzle because she 's a good dog , not aggressive , shouldn 't have to wear it . I know it 's uncomfortable and bulky and just plain weird for her , but we don 't know what else to do with her . We can 't figure out what is wrong with her . And if it 's that she 's eating stuff outside that 's making her sick , there 's nothing else we can do other than the muzzle . For the past month or so we 've been out there with her every minute , following her and standing over her and making sure she 's not eating things . But with the snow and ice , and my physical capabilities being limited at this point … I couldn 't keep up with her and I think she might have eaten something that made her vomit last Thursday when I wasn 't standing over her . We just don 't know what to do with her … So I 'm worried that she 's going to vomit again like the last episode . Ugh . So far it 's been these two random episodes and today I spent time on and off modifying the basket muzzle to try to use a quick - snap collar to hold it on her head versus the old - fashioned buckle which is a pain in the ass to get on and off of her , especially with her floppy ears and long hair . Even though I 've been feeling ultra shitty and exhausted , we had to do a bunch of things this weekend . Most of which we accomplished . Unfortunately , one of the things was cleaning up the caulk in our master shower which seemed to be growing mold behind the caulk at the joints of the floor and wall . Hub is not flexible , so he had trouble sitting on the floor and scraping at the caulk , so I did 90 % of it . Which , of course , hurt my arms , shoulders , and hands more than they were already hurting . The end result , though , is that we need to call in a professional to look at our shower because this is the second time in a year that we 've ended up with this problem . Last time my brother helped me strip and re - caulk the shower , but now we 're in the same place again … There 's something wrong if there 's mold and mildew growing behind the caulk , especially since we bought mold - resistant caulk . This all means that we don 't have a shower in our bathroom and we have to haul ass to the shower on the opposite end of the house … past all the windows in the front of the house and over the foyer area of the house . It also means we have to haul all our paraphernalia into the other shower , which is smaller than our master shower . It 's not a huge deal , it 's just more stress . And more stress in having to find someone who knows what they are doing to come into the house to fix whatever is happening . The stupid sub - contractor that our builder hired to do our bathrooms did not know what they were doing . They screwed several things up in our master bathroom and ruined a lot of our shower floor tiles by having to go back and chip out all the wrong grout they put in . So we were left with grout over top of grout , and chipped tiles . And the slope of the floor is really bad , which causes water to pool in different spots in the shower and leaves our grout with water stains where the water sits . It 's shitty and depressing and frustrating . That 's all in addition to whatever this caulk situation is . I have my mammogram on Wednesday . We finally got our health insurance cards from Hub 's new corporate overlords . I opened the mail , found the card , and called for my appointment all within about ten minutes . The first they had was a week away ( now this Wednesday ) and I took the appointment . I am pretty paranoid about keeping up with my mammos , so I 'm glad that it 's only about ten days overdue from the day I had it last year . I was supposed to have a relaxing massage last week . I had it scheduled in between two trigger point appointments … I normally go to TP massage therapy once a month ( ish ) . So I scheduled the relaxing massage exactly two weeks after one TP appointment and two weeks before the next TP appoint . And then it snowed , and my relaxing massage appointment got canceled . And I really really wanted it . I mean , not enough to endanger my therapist or myself , but I 'm so disappointed . I knew this was going to be a difficult month ( technically , it 's been a difficult year so far ) , so I had planned for the relaxing massage - which I never get - and then plans went pfffft . Since my massage therapist only works two days a week , there were no openings for me to do a make - up massage . I don 't know when I 'll be able to fit it in again . I told T on Friday that I want this grief to have some kind of end date . But with every day , every month , it stays . It 's a solid burden that I carry with me every . This month is especially difficult as it 's the ( one year ) anniversary of Mom 's death . And with every calendar day I think of what I was doing on " this " day last year . How we had no idea what was coming . How we took her to an arboretum in the city trying to perk up her spirits … not knowing how soon it would get so bad . How it happened so fast . How I was late to Hub 's birthday dinner last year because I was with Mom and Dad helping them with something . How it was only days after his birthday that she was in the hospital and then hours later that she was gone . Grief has no end date . It plays by no rules . It doesn 't give a shit who you are or what you want . It lives and breathes and grows and growls and harps and hammers and changes and does whatever the hell it wants . And it sucks .