Christmas Miracle ? Maybe . Cory and I got together about 3 times before I was scheduled to leave for a family vacation . I went on a cruise with the kids , K , AJ , my mother and AJ 's daughter and her BF . ( Yeah , 10 of us , but we all had a great time . ) In those times , the sex was better as we got to know each other better . I also was starting to think I was wrong about him being deep in the closet . After the cruise he told me he would meet me at the house and spend the night with me . This would be the first time anyone had stayed over since T and I broke up . Cory arrived at my house about 10 minutes after I got back from the airport . I was greeted with a big kiss and a hug from his strong arms . I could tell he really missed me and he was happy I was home . It felt good that someone was there to greet me and had missed me while I was gone . He stayed the night and spent the next day ( which was a Sunday ) hanging out and watching football . At one point in the day my daughter came over . He was very good with her and she seemed to like him . At this point I am starting think he might just be the real thing . He might be the person I have been looking for . Maybe . Or he might be too good to be true . I did not want to get ahead of myself . The Chef seemed to be the real thing for a while too , and that turned into a mess . Cory is nice to talk to . He has a deep , but soothing voice . He also has a lot of his mind . There is a lot of things he thinks about , but he doesn 't really have anyone to talk to . He says he likes that I listen to him . Of course I will listen . That 's how you get to know people , right ? A few days after Cory greeted me from the cruise , he was planning to go to his home state for the Christmas holiday to visit his family . All of his family was there and he had not seen his mom or grandmother in a long time . Unfortunately , his plans fell through and he was going to be alone on Christmas . I invited him to come stay with me for Christmas . I talked to K and he agreed to have him over to her place for Christmas dinner . Cory agreed and he came to my house after work on Wednesday . He packed enough to stay through the weekend . Until Sunday ! ! ! I was not expecting that he would stay for 5 days , but I was really excited about it . We had a great time together . We hung out with K and the kids . We spent a lot of time back at my house alone . Yes , there was a fair amount of sex , but there was intimacy on other levels too . We spent a lot of time cuddling on the couch watch movies on TV . We spent a lot of time naked in bed , talking in the dark about everything . It was not all naked cuddling . We went out to for a meal several times . We took my kids to see the new Star Wars movie . My youngest son came over and watched TV with us for a couple of hours . Little by little . More and more . I was realizing I was falling in love with Cory . Even K liked him . I found out he was feeling the same way . He told me about other guys he had met recently who did not seem interested to get to know him beyond his muscular body or the size of his penis . He met some guys who were only interested because they have a fetish for black boys and wanted to get into his pants . They had no interest in getting to know the man inside . I was not treating him like a piece of meat , but as a whole person . He liked that . I told him that , of course I loved his body , I was not just looking for that . I wanted a friend , a boyfriend , or in the best case , a partner and husband . I wanted to get to know all of him . His body , yes , but also his heart , mind a soul . Spending 5 days together , you can learn a lot about a person . So is Cory my Christmas miracle ? Maybe he is . I can 't say yet , but at this moment I am very happy . I can clearly picture him living in my house and being my husband . I am going to try hard not to push things , but rather go with the flow and enjoy the ride . It 's not easy for me , but I will try hard . I don 't want to screw this up . Hi there and Merry Christmas . Sorry I have been off the grid for a while , but a lot of things have happened . Most of them good ( or at least healthy ) for me . Over the last few months I have made a few attitude adjustments . 1 . I have come to realize that , even in my head , I cannot hold on the fantasy of T and I getting together . I know we will always love each other , and will always be friends , but there will be no long term love connection there . 2 . Because online line dating , with the goal of finding a boyfriend is a frustrating failure , I have shifted my focus . I am not approaching it with the mindset of making new friends ( and maybe some casual sex partners ) . Even thought this was only a shift in my head , it seems to help me . 3 . If I had more friends , I would not be so lonely or so worried about having a boyfriend . If I had friends I could call up and go out for a drink with when I had nothing else to do . So through October and November I tried to enjoy the " freedom " of being single . I was getting some hits on my online profiles and I tried to meet as many people in real life as possible . I got a hit from one guy I met more than 2 years ago . I had just recently broken up with T and at that time I was rebounding big time . We had one date and then never spoke again . This time it was different . Let 's call him " Norm " I am calling him that because the couple of gay bars we would hang out in , everybody knew his name . Norm is a black guy slightly older than me . He is in reasonably good shape for a man his age and a lot of fun to talk to . It was fun to go to the gays bars with him because he knew a lot of people and he was able to introduce me to them . Going to the gay bars with Norm was had it 's goods and bads . The good was that it was fun to meet new people and talk to them . Because they already knew Norm , they were more likely to talk to me than if I was there alone . The other things I learned , is that the same people hang out in the gay bars all the time , and I didn 't really want to be a part of that . I was quickly getting bored hanging around the same bars with him , with the same people in the bar night after night . Norm 's a good guy and I will try to remain his friend , but he is definitely not boyfriend material for me . Just before Thanksgiving , I got pinged by 3 younger black guys , who all wanted to meet me . ( K asked me what I had against white guys . I told her nothing . It ' 'd just that all the people reaching out to me lately were black guys . And all younger ones . ) One guy was 31 , a little overweight and worked in a big corporate office . He was nice , but I didn 't really feel any spark there . I might be friends with him , but nothing more . Guy number 2 was 24 , and had just quit his job to go back to school . He drove a nice car and it seemed his parents were quite well off , so I was sure he was not looking for a sugar daddy . He was very fem guy , which I always thought I would not like . He has the most beautiful smile I had ever seen and he was able to hold a conversation well . In the end , ( after 2 dates ) I think he decided that I was not the guy for him and he stopped talking to me . Guy number 3 , was 34 and did not have a picture on his profile . When I asked him for a picture he sent me one that looks like this one below . This is not Guy number 3 's picture , but it is close to what he send me . Guy number 3 's abs are not a ripped as the guy in the picture , but rests is pretty close . Well Holy Shit , Yes , I wanted to meet him . I mean really he has the physical proportions of my dream man . Let 's call him " Cory " I met him and he was super nice . He was very smart , with a Master 's degree to prove it . Through his fitted shirt I could see that the guy in the picture was really Cory , and not some stolen picture . After some nice conversation and naked romp in my bedroom , I was captivated by him . Not only because of the stunning physical beauty , but because I really liked talking to him . It was a fascinating guy and I wanted t get to know him . I was brought back to earth when some of the things he told me made me think that he was something of a closet case . He led me to believe that he was not out to anyone and was looking for a discreet relationship with someone who was not going to talk about it . OK , I figured . This hot god just wants to have sex with me ? OK . I can do that for a while while I 'm looking for a boyfriend . The sex was good , and I have never had a guy with this kind of a body interested in me before . I mean , what did I have to lose , right ? T 's niece is also his office manager . She work really hard and takes care of all the little things that makes T 's office run smoothly . I have known her for just over 5 years now and I like her a lot . She has always treated me like family , even after T and I broke up . So the Niece is having a big birthday party for herself . She has invited 80 people and they are having at a banquet hall T just finished building as one of his newest business ventures . This will be one of the first events he will have at this new property , so it 's kind of like a test run before he starts renting it out to paying customers . There was a ton of work to do to get this up . T and his sister have been doing most of it , but he asked me for some help . It was really good to see him . While we were moving stuff around , I was able to get him alone a few times . I was going to say " all the old feelings came rushing back " but the truth is those feelings are are always there , just below the surface . T 's lips looked just as kissable as ever . ( They are just like this guys lips . ) I could tell he was having old feelings come to the surface too . While we were working in the hall , I was constantly watching him . He was tying bows on all the chairs . He was taking his time to make them just right and because he is a little OCD , he didn 't want me to help him . There were other tasks for me , but I still watched him . Especially when he would bend over to pick something up off the floor . I could not stop myself from looking at his butt . Of course in my mind he was naked , and since I have seen him naked many times , it was not hard for me to picture . I wanted to come up behind him , wrap my arms around him , and kiss his neck . His sister was in the hall working with us , so I couldn 't do that , but boy did I want to . I helped out for a couple hours and when there was no more work for me to do , I left to go home . . . . alone . I know T and I are over . We both know it . We both have still have feelings for each other . It 's both a blessing and a curse . It 's a blessing because it shows that we will be connected even many years form now . It 's a curse , because I compare my feeling for anyone else , against my feelings for T , and of course , no one measures up . The Chef might come the closest , but even then he is a really long way off . Things for me are moving along , but like all things with me , they are moving slowly . Sometimes I feel lonely and depressed . Other times , I am to busy to feel much of anything . T and I text every day and we talk on the phone a once or twice times a week . We see each other rarely . In the past several months I have only seen him when we were with lots of other people . He would invite me to a large family dinner for example . I enjoy going to these kinds of events , but they do not afford much time for T and I to talk . Sometimes when we talk I tell him how I am feeling . To be honest I think he is tired of hearing about it , but since I really don 't have anyone else to talk to , he is stuck with it . One day he will just tell me to shut the fuck up . Not long ago he told me I was " letting life drift by " . Personally I think I am stuck in the current , but either way , I am not taking control of my life . I am letting other pull me in one direction or another . The things I need to take charge of , I am not . So what am I going to do about it ? I opened a new profile on a gay dating site . This site is known as more of a hook up site , but you never know ( and it 's free ) . In the first week I have had 3 people write to me , not counting the four hot , muscular , young guys who wanted to know if I am " generous " . Two of the people who wrote to me , wrote very short notes about themselves . I wrote back to them , with a little something about myself . That must have been enough to turn both of them off , because I never heard from either of them again . The third guy turned out to be a closeted , married guy who wanted a secret man on the side to play with . Umm . . . No thanks . I am still talking to the Chef , but I we are still not sure where we are going with each other . We seem to often misunderstand each other over little things are we both get upset about them . It 's not only are we not on the same page , we are not in the same book . He keep telling me that once we understand each other better , than we could be good together , and will look back at this time a laugh . I am not so sure . I am not ready to commit to him and he knows that . I 'll keep taking to him , but honestly I cannot wait for us to suddenly click . I am not getting any younger . Even if we are not destine to be partners , I still would like to count him as a friend . Charlotte Pride is the weekend . I went yesterday to the street festival . Later on today I am going back to see the Parade . To be perfectly honest I don 't like parades and I really don 't understand why other people seem to like them so much . I am not talking about just Pride parades , but parades generally . My small town has an annual Thanksgiving parade that literally the whole town comes out for . I sit through it every year . I somehow feel like I have to , but I really don 't like it . Back the Pride parade today , I am going . I want to see what it 's all about and what happens . Back in June I went to my very first Pride parade in London . It was fun , and not quite what I expected . We will see what happens today . Yesterday ( and today ) there was a street festival . A few stages with bands , lots of local businesses with booths , and lots of people . I went with the Chef . It was nice to not be there alone , but it was also nice being there with someone I liked . ( T says I love him , but I am not to that point yet . ) Pride and other " gay " events are not really Chef 's thing , but he went for me , which I was pretty happy about . It was a lot of fun . I like people watching and there were a lot of people to watch . There were a lot of young hot homos there , but there were a lot more regular looking people . There was a lot of people my age or older . There were a lot of pretty , muscular guys and there were a lot of . . . er . . . not so pretty guys . There seemed to be a lot of straight people there . There were not that many gay couples holding hands , but when I saw straight couples , the man was almost always holding the hand of the woman he was with . ( tee hee ) Chef and I were at this booth waiting to talk to the people running it . I can 't remember what it was , but it 's not important . There was a young couple in front of us . They were about 25 , and it seemed to me that they had been together a while . When they talked , there were very in sync with each other . In a lot of ways K and I were like that ( and still are ) . I was thinking about how sometimes wish I had that when i was that age . That I would not be at Pride now with a guy I was thinking about getting serious with , but instead being there with my partner of 20 + years . I don 't spend a lot of time thinking about , " what if I had been able to come out in my 20 's " . but I did have a flash of it today . I 'll let you know how the parade comes out . Posted by When I last talked about The Chef , it was not in a nice way . I can 't remember now ( and I am too lazy to go back and look ) what the issue was , but it is likely he felt some slight from me ( to be fair , often justified ) , got emotional , and said something horrible . He does that when he gets upset . K used to do that too . When she did it over the years , it would upset me , but I would quickly decide that it was not worth the argument and I would let it drop . When The Chef does it , it pisses me off and I think , " Well fuck him . I don 't need this shit . " and I stop talking to him . Then because I 'm pissed , I 'll tell someone like K or T that The Chef was an asshole to me . They tell me he is a jerk and I should stop wasting time with him . I won 't tell them about the thing I did to provoke him , so he ends up looking worse . Invariably , in a couple of days , but no longer than a week , The Chef will reach out to me . He will say something cute that will break my urge to ignore him . When I respond , he will apologize for whatever it is that he said . We will engage in conversation and then we both feel better . This has happened a few times over the year I have known him . I think part of the reason is , he likes me . Since T and I broke up , I have been online looking to meet people with poor results . Gay guys don 't seem to like me . I am not what they want physically and therefore they are not interested in taking the time to get to know me . Most people who take the time , like me to some degree . The Chef is someone who is not interested in guys who look like they stepped off the cover of Men 's Health . He is attracted to guys who look like me , therefore he was interested in taking the time to get to know me . T was like that too . I never had a lean body , and I know T likes that . But with him , he liked my eyes . That small physical attraction was enough for him to want to get to know me . Once he did , he was able to look past other physical defects , get to know the real me and . . . well , you know the rest . Regarding The Chef , it would be dishonest of me to not admit that part of the reason I am willing to deal with his emotional outbursts , is because he likes me , and there are not a lot of other guy who do . I have to admit that part of me ( a small part ) wonders if he is not my last best chance . The other reason is more self - reflective . I think I provoke him . Part of me is still ( and will always ) be linked to T . My feelings for him are always there . Sometimes , I think I am disappointed that The Chef is not T , so I do or say things that push The Chef away . This is all in my head . T is not doing or saying anything to make me hang on to him . In fact , sometimes I feel like he is keeping me at arms length , you know close enough for a best friend , but not as close as a boyfriend . He tells me all the time I need to find a boyfriend . I have told you before about the active steps he has taken to invite me to things where I will meet other gay people . He has been clear on what I need to do . The stuff in my head , is mine alone . So back to The Chef . Over the past several months we have been talking . He would like more of a boyfriend relationship with me . I am resisting . When I start to think that way , shit happens and then it 's no fun . I have made it clear that I want to be his friend first . I want to get to know him more . I want to take things as they come . If he is my boyfriend , I have certain expectations of him . I have different and lesser expectations of people who are just friends . With the " just friends " attitude , we have been getting along pretty well over the last few months . I know he still wants more . I don 't know where it will go in the end . I am taking things as they come . I am still actively trying to meet more people . I will still go to the " gathering of the gays " that T invites me to . Two of the guys that go ( a married couple ) live not far from me and are interested in meeting up from time to time . I am also thinking about joining a gay bowling league , different from the one I did a few years ago . If this thing with The Chef does not work out , then I maybe I will have some good friends I can hang with . That will make being alone , not so bad . Posted by In the end , I went to the dinner . T was really into the celebration . More so that I would have expected . I took this picture of him popping out of the cake . I worked out a deal with my daughter . I told her I would go to a friends birthday party , and I would take her and her brothers to a theme park on Sunday . Seemed like a fair trade to her . I got to go with a clear conscience . While she did not say anything , I think K would have preferred that I went to help her with the kids . I figured she 's a big girl and can handle it . If I had not gone , T would have told me the food was not that good , to spare my feelings , but as it turns out , the food really was not that good . It was OK , but the place bills itself as a high class Asian restaurant , but it was not any better than the take out joint near my house . Just more expensive . The birthday boy reserved a room with a large " U " shaped table . The people were kind of divided . His family on one side and the gays on the other side . I doubt it was planned that way , but that 's how people sorted themselves out . I sat next to a couple , I 'll call them Mike and Robert . They have been together 24 years and they just got their first dog . Robert was going on and on about this snooty dog they got from a snooty breeder . ( All my dogs have been mutts rescued from the pound . ) Robert was talking about the dog with a not too bad looking Asian guy ( T thinks he was Filipino ) who also has a snooty breeder dog . At first , T thought I should engage the Asian guy , since he knows I have a weakness for men of the Far East . We did not have to hear him talk too long before I knew that we was not for me . T knew too . He was GAAAYYYY . I mean gay like Jack from " Will & Grace " . There is nothing wrong with people like that , it 's just not attractive to me . Anyway , Mike was much more talkative with me . He is also from the Northeastern Unites States and was transplanted to the south . We talked about how after more than 10 years of living here , we could not handle the cold any more , so moving back was out of the question . Mike asked me if T was my partner . I told him we used to date , but now we were just friends . I let him know the position was open and I was accepting applications if he knew anyone interested . He told me I have to " put myself out there " . Yeah . . . . where have I heard that before ? Anyway , the dinner was nice and the company was good too . T did not talk to me much during dinner . He was not being rude . In his mind he was giving be a chance to talk to the other people at the table . I would have preferred there be no one else at the table and I could have spent the entire evening staring into T 's eyes . Sorry , I lost track of myself for a minute . Anyway , that is the update and it all turned out right in the end . I want to be to be in two places at one time . Yesterday I came back from a 10 day business trip . I was five time zones away so it was difficult to keep in contact back home . When I got home yesterday , my daughter was the happiest to see me . I am sure the other kids missed me to , but they had other things on their minds . . . . like Xbox . Tonight is an annual fireworks display that I always attend with the family . I always have a good time and the kids like it . Since I have been gone , it seems extra important that I attend . At least in my head . One of the guys from T 's new batch of friends is having a birthday today . I have met this guy and his partner at T 's house more than a few times . They are good guys and I was invited to his birthday dinner tonight . In addition to being a good excuse to see T ( whom I have not seen in several weeks ) it would be another chance to make an impression on these new people so maybe I can make some friends of my own . I cannot be in both places at the same time , so since the kids expect me at the fireworks , I told the birthday boy that while I appreciated the invite , I was doing this other things with the kids . Now I am agonizing about this decision . You see I WANT to go to the birthday dinner . However , I feel like I HAVE to go to the fireworks with the kids . While I am at the fireworks , I will be thinking about the dinner and how much fun it probably was . I will talk to T later tonight and he will tell me . ( If it was super crazy fun , T would tone down his report so as not to make me feel bad . He might tell me the food was not too good , so I would not feel like I missed out . Not exactly a lie . Maybe a " soft - peddle " of the truth . ) On the other hand , if I go to the dinner , I will be thinking about the kids at the fireworks . I don 't want to be the absentee father , so I would be feeling guilty about not being there . MY daughter told me she really wants me to come , which would add to the guilt . I think I would have a good time at the dinner , even though I am on the outside of that group , they are nice to me when I am there . Every time I get together with them , I increase my chances of making a connection . ( All I want is a friendship connection . Not looking for love at this point . ) At the same time , I don 't like the idea of missing events with my kids . Last year K took the the kids on a cruise . I went too . Not really because I had a burning desire to take a cruise with her and her husband . It was more that I did not want my kids to have that experience without their dad being there to share in it . More than a year later they are talking about the cruise and I am happy when they say to me , " Dad remember on the cruise when . . . . ? " and I can say , " Yup , I remember that ! ! " I kind of feel this way about the fireworks tonight . I know I don 't need to be " super - dad " and be at everything . That is not realistic anyway , but I kind of feel like I have to try . I know I cannot be in both places at once , but I want to be . I know I cannot do everything , but I want to . I know there will be other events ( for both the gays and the kids ) , and I don 't have to go to all of them , but I want to . " Do whatever you want and then be happy with it . I make my decision and I am OK with it . You get sad . " T told me this morning . He is right . I wish I could be more like him in this regard . He makes his choice , sticks to it , and lives with the consequences , even if they are difficult . He does not agonize over the possibilities and he does not bemoan the outcome . He is decisive . I REALLY admire that about him . It 's probably why he has been successful in his business dealings . I want to be more like that . It 's just my brain is not quite wired that way . I need to fix that . It might be why I have trouble sleeping . But that is a whole different blog post . For tonight I am still not sure what to do . It has been cloudy all day . Maybe I 'll get lucky and the fireworks will get rained out and postponed . Then I really could do both . Posted by T 's straight sister has a lot of gay friends . I mean a lot . I think it all started with a private Spanish class she was taking . I have met a lot of them at T 's house over the past several months . Most all of them are partnered or married . There is one of the group who is single , then there is me and T . I think many of them think that T and I are partners . When I make conversation I sometimes to refer to events that have happened in the past to us , so it is clear that we have know each other a long time . I would not be surprised if one or more of these guys asked T 's sister what the story is with the fat white guy . Last weekend T had a BBQ at his house . I have attended these types of events many times in the past , but usually they include his family . All his siblings , their spouses and children , in addition to a selection of friends . I have even brought my kids to some of these events over the years . But not last weekend . This was a big gay BBQ . Aside from T 's sister , there were no straight people there . It was a nice time and T is encouraging me to get to know these people as much as possible . Even though they are partnered , they might have single friends . It 's possible , but I am not holding my breath for the possibility of getting " fixed up " . I am mostly going because I like to be around people ( gay people in particular ) . I also like being around T , not to mention there is always a ton of good food . ( Really , there is always a TON of food . ) After the dinner , I set up a fire out back in his fire - pit and the group of homos sat around the fire and talked about stuff . Being introverted and shy around new people , I was pretty good about engaging with the everyone around the fire . I listened and talked when I had something to add . One of the couples , a married couple from Columbia , suggested I should meet up with them sometime and hang out . They live not too far from me , in a northern suburb of Charlotte , while T and most of the others live to the south . I thought that invite was a good thing . All these guys seem to have a pre - existing friendship . I am not sure how they all know each other , but it 's clear they do . These kinds of groups are hard to break into . They are always friendly on the surface , but only when fate or other forces put me in the same place as them . It was just like the people at bowling a few years back and kickball this past spring . Everyone already knows everyone else and while polite , they are not much interested in getting to know anyone new . I am taking a business trip to England next week for about a week and a half . When I get back , I will look up the Colombian couple and see what happens . It has been a while since I had the ambition to write much . Not a lot has happened , but on the other had a lot has happened . First let 's talk about the trip to the beach . ( The pictures in this post were all taken by me on this trip ) I HAD A TOTALLY AWESOME TIME AT THE BEACH WITH T AND THIS FAMILY . It really was just perfect . The house they rented was just right the number of people who were there for the short time we were there . It was about a 5 minute walk to the ocean side of the island and the spectacular beach . The weather was absolutely perfect . No rain . Plenty of sea breezes and just the right amount of sun . We truly could not have asked for better weather . This is a place with a lot of cottages and large houses . Most of them are for rent to people who want to take a vacation there . There are no high rise hotels like you might find at Myrtle Beach or Miami . As a result , I think even if all the houses were full , there would not be enough people to fill the beach . There just are not enough people staying there to fill up the sand . We left to go there on a Friday after T finished working . We drove almost 6 hours to get out there . By the time we reached the house , it was about 2am on Saturday morning . Most everyone was ready for bed . Not me . I wanted to see the ocean and the surf . I just wanted to be able to hear the surf before going to bed . Even though he was tired , he walked down to the beach with me . We spend about 5 or 10 minutes in the sand before heading back . The next day we ( me , T , and his family ) drove all over the place . We saw lighthouses and other attractions . We climbed up one of the lighthouses and it was just amazing . We had lunch at a seaside diner that had good seafood . After lunch we drove around some more , saw more sights and took more pictures . Later that evening , just about sunset , we had dinner at the wonderful seaside restaurant . This place had a wonderful outside dining area right on the water 's edge with a long pier stretching out into the water . I took several pictures of the sunset that I 'll post here . T and I walked out on the pier an tried to take a selfie of us with the sun setting behind us . They did come out very well , but a woman at a near by table came over ans offered to take the pictures for us . I thought that was nice . It always made be smile because this woman was a lot like K . Where ever we travel , K always offers to take pictures of gay couples trying to take selfies . I think she just likes helping out the gays . These pictures came out really good too but T won 't let me post his picture on the blog so you will just have to imagine . The next morning T and I got up early to see the sunrise . I really wanted to go and T was going only because I begged him to come with me . With the perfect weather , the sunrise was totally stunning . One of the most beautiful I have seen in a long time . I think that T was not prepared for how beautiful it was . Recently he got a new phone and until that morning , I don 't think he had used the camera . He took over 250 pictured of he sunrise . Later that morning , T and his mother and sister were going shopping . i was invited , but I elected to stay behind . I returned to the beach . By this time it was about 10 : 30am . People were jogging up and down the beach . People were fishing into the surf . There was not a crowd at the beach by any means . It was the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend , and beach has people on it , but the were so few , it was easy to find a spot with no one else . It was nice to just sit , watch the surf and think . I know someone will be wondering about the sleeping arrangements . T and I slept on the couches in the little living room . These were non - pull out couches and we did not try to sleep in one together . At the end of the trip , T and I are not boyfriends . We did not get back together . If fact the romantic part of our relationship may have drifted further apart . Having said that , I also think our friendship grew stronger . A little more we have let go of Me and T the couple and embraced Me and T best friends forever . I will always love him , just as he will always love me . K and AJ are on a cruise this week . They left on Saturday and they will be back next Saturday . That means that I have the kids all week by myself . The kids have a lot of stuff going on this week , which is stressing me out . I want to go on a cruise , but I have no one to go with . It 's too expensive to go alone and I don 't think I would have fun alone anyway . T might go with me . . . . . . if he was not working so much . Maybe in a few years when he gets his business sorted out we can take a short one . K and the kids would go with me . While that might be fun , it 's not the romantic getaway that I am hoping for . So , rather than thinking too much about it , I have started to think about the trip to the beach with T and his family . They have booked a house that is not on the beach , but is very close to it . I am very excited . I love the beach . I can walk the beach for hours . I can sit in the sand and listen to the surf for hours . I don 't know what the sight seeing plan for the weekend is , but I know at night , I will walk to the beach and listen to the surf . I am hoping T will want to come with me . I would really love it if he did . I will also get up one morning and be on the beach for sunrise . There is nothing like seeing the sun come up over the ocean . Maybe T will come with me for that too . I know that T and I will not emerge from this trip boyfriends . As much as my heart wants that , my mind knows that it will not work out . T does too . To have him again would mean I would have to give up some of the most important things that I want out of my gay life . I would have to give up having a real partner . I would have to give up getting married again . I would have to give up sleeping next to the man I love every night . But for now , I am going to push that all to the side . I am going to look forward to this trip . I am going to treasure the memories that we will build together . I am going to have a good time . I am going to have my time on the beach with the surf . Posted by Last year I took the kids to a local theme park for the day . It was October so were not a lot of people there and the lines were all really short . We had a GREAT time together ! ! Even my 10 year old daughter went on the tallest roller - coaster in the place . ( And this place has a lot of coasters ) Since we had so much fun , it was not surprising that when spring came around they all asked to go again . Now that all the kids are big enough to ride everything , it made sense to look at season passes . A season pass cost about the same a 2 single day tickets , so I figured it would be worth it . If I only go twice , I will break even on the cost of the passes . This past Saturday I woke to a rainy day . My son had baseball practice , which got canceled . My daughter had football practice , which was also canceled . Suddenly , we did not have that much to do for the day . It was not raining that hard , more of a heavy mist . Then I saw on Facebook one of the guys on my kickball team ( Danny ) was at the theme park with his boyfriend ( David ) and David 's kids . I have known David for a about a year and I texted him . Me : Hi David . I see you are at the Park . How is it ? So without any advanced planing , I packed up the kids that wanted to go and we headed down the road . Since we have the passes , I figured the worst thing that happens is it is raining too hard and we go home . I would only be out the cost of gas . It turned out to be an awesome day . It was not raining that hard , but the weather was dreary enough to keep most people at home . There were no lines for anything ! ! ! About half way through the day I spotted David , Danny and the kids walking past where I was sitting . We chatted with them for a while and then we basically merged our groups together . We all hung out together for about an hour or so . The whole time I was watching Danny and David . They have only been together about 6 months , but it was clear there were in love with each other . It was awesome seeing two guys in love with each other doing " normal " family things with each other and the kids . It is EXACTLY what I wanted for me and T . When we were still boyfriends we would occasionally go out with my kids . Usually to dinner and then a movie . Or a movie and ice cream . I always treasured those times , because I had my boyfriend and my kids together at the same time . Everyone was happy and getting along well . It was just what I wanted for myself after K and I broke up . 2 . T invited me to come along . WOW ! T usually works on weekends . Well , he usually works all the time . He is going to close is office for several days over the Memorial Day weekend and take a trip with his family . One of his sisters is taking her boyfriend along . T invited me . How cool it that ? I think it is very cool . In the more than seven years I have known him , I have not had 3 days with him . Three full days , and nights . Yes , his family will be there and it 's not exactly going to be a romantic getaway , but I don 't really care . Just to be with him will be great . As much a I want to it be so , I know I am not going as his boyfriend . In fact , several days after I got the invite , T reminded me that I need to find a boyfriend . My feelings for him make that difficult . I am still in love with him and that will never change . ( More on that later ) I told K that I was going on this trip . She was immediately irritated about it . Partly because she goes to an event every Memorial Day weekend and she just assumed I would be around to watch the kids . Me being gone will kind of mess that up for her . The other part is , she thinks I should not be talking to T at all . She thinks maintaining my close relationship with him is preventing me from moving on . She is right . I know that . Blog readers have told me that . T has told me that I need to find someone else . But at the end of the day , the truth is I am still in love with him . I know that he is unable ( or unwilling ) to have the relationship with me ( or anyone ) that I want and need , but I am still in love with him . I know that he works all the time and even thought he wants to , he will not be able to make that better any time soon , but I am still in love with him . Yes , I have met other people , like the Chef . Things did not work out with the Chef mostly because we were not really a match . Now , I think the issues we had could have been worked out if I really put effort into it . But the reality is , I did not want to . My heart was elsewhere . I can 't have T , but I can 't let him go . He is important to me and I know I am important to him . He is one of my oldest friends . He IS my most persistent friend . Despite all the demands on his time , he is always someone I can talk to about anything that is on my mind . I value him and his friendship greatly . I love him and I never want to have him out of my life . Never . I got up and met the Chef for coffee . I had not heard from him in weeks and he texted me on Saturday . He said he needed someone to talk to and asked if I could meet him for coffee . Our last conversation did not leave us on the best of terms , so I asked what he wanted to talk about . " I am having some family drama . " was his reply . I agreed to meet him at a Starbucks about half way between his house and mine . After some small talk , he started to tell me about his drama . Apparently his adult daughter 's mother ( his first ex - wife ) has a new boyfriend and that is causing friction between them . He explained the whole story and I listened patiently , sometimes asking questions . When he was done , he asked me for my advice . What did I think he should do ? After that I was off to my gay kickball league . We has a game scheduled at 1 : 15 . The other team was bunch of guys who always wear wigs during the game . Some of the wigs are costume type wigs . Bright colors and some that obviously looked like yarn rather than hair . Others looked natural and until they took them off after the game , I might not have known they were wigs . My team is not as crazy and we don 't do crazy costumes . But my team is REALLY gay . Everyone is gay and everyone is very open about it . Even though I am more reserved myself , I feel very comfortable with the group . In the end , we lost to the guys wearing wigs . After that , I was off to T 's sister 's house . Last Friday was T 's birthday and his sister had moved into her own house . So it was kind of like a double party . T and his whole family were there . The food was excellent ( as it always is ) and I got to see some of his family that I do not see as much as I used to . Best of all I got to see T . We did not have a chance to spend a lot of time together , because he was busy entertaining his other guests . I understand that , I was just happy to see him . So it was a big gay day . It was a lot of fun and I got to see my love , even if it was just watching him be a good host . I need to meet up with him this week and take him out to a nice dinner for his birthday . As I was getting into bed last night , I could hear it had started raining . It was raining hard . I could hear the sound of the rain pounding on the roof of my house . It must have been windy too as I could hear the rain drops hitting the windows next to the bed . There is something about the rain that makes me feel romantic . I think maybe it is something deep within us left over from our caveman days . When you are outside in the rain , you will almost always be cold to one level or another . I think our instincts tell us to huddle ( or cuddle ) together for warmth . It is a survival instinct . If you can find someone to share body heat with you and survive the night . If you are really lucky you might even get a chance to get started on the next generation . ( Unless , of course , you are gay . Then it 's just for the fun of it . ) Last night as I was listening to the rain , I was wishing I was not there by myself . I need to get back online and start looking again . There has to be someone out there who wants to be with me at night . I have been offline for most of the past year . I had been hoping that I could make things work with the Chef . We have been off and on for a year and I kept hoping we could find a way to work it out . But it 's not going to happen . Our last conversations was pretty angry and I do not think I will ever hear from him again . It 's just a well really . He was not good for me and I knew it all along . Since I am prone to wishful thinking , I was hoping something would change in him or me to make it better . It didn 't . Aside from the way he acted toward me , I was not in love with him . He was nice to be around and I like talking to him , but I never had that " spark " feeling like I get when I am with T . Again , I was hoping it might develop over time . Anyway , part of me is getting used to being alone much of the time . Part of me is hating being alone so much . I am taking more time away from K 's house and simply going home . I didn 't used to do that . I used to stay over there , unless I had something else to do . If I had no plans , I would hang out over there , simply because I had nothing better to do . Now it 's a little different . I think it 's important to establish with K and the kids that I have my own house and I go home when I am done doing what I need to do with the kids . If K is not working , I sometimes do not go over at all . I will go home directly after work and stay there for the evening . Sometimes I will go and hang out until they all sit down for dinner . Sometimes I stay and eat , but most of the time , that 's when I go home and eat on my own . When K is working I go until my daughter goes to be or about 9 : 00pm , which ever comes first . I am there to make sure they get their homework done and they are getting ready for school the next morning . I don 't really want AJ doing that kind of thing unless it 's absolutely necessary . So when I go home , I sometimes sit around and watch TV . Sometimes I get on the treadmill while watching TV . I am usually just there alone . The past couple of nights my youngest son has been coming to my house for the night . I like that , but I don 't push them one way or another . When you love someone , I mean really love them deep in your heart , that kind of love does not go away . It does not fade over time and distance . It endures . I have that kind of love for T . No , nothing has changed about our situation . We are still " separated " and that probably will not change in the near term . ( I am still hopeful in the long term . ) We still communicate in one form or another every day . Texting many times a day . Calling a few times a week . Seeing each other in person , one every month or two . I would like it to be more , but we both have busy schedules . We got together last night . I think this was the first time I saw him in more than 2 months . I might have been the longest stretch I have gone without seeing him since I met him just over seven years ago . We spent most of the evening together and I can tell you for sure , we still have the spark . There is still magic between us that I don 't think can be duplicated with anyone else . All day at work I was so happy to be going to see him that I could not keep the smile off my face . Monday , I had ordered a gift to be delivered to him at work yesterday afternoon . I got word it was delivered just a few hours before I was to see him . It took him a short while , but he figured out the anonymous gift was from me . I am pretty sure he liked it . When we got together , my heart was so happy . He looked just as amazing as ever . Despite his complaining that he had gained 5 pounds , he looked stunning to me . I am not going to get into the details of out evening , but suffice it to say it was wonderful . We had wide ranging conversations and other activities that we both enjoyed . When it was over , I drove him home , had a nice kiss good night and I left with happiness I had not felt in a long time . Here I am , the day after and I am still happy . There was a time when I would have become sad or disapointed , because after a nice evening , I was distracted by the dreams I had that may not come true . I do not have that today . Today I am basking in the love that I know we still share for each other , regardless of our other circumstances . Posted by I am gay man in his 40 's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman , who is still my very best friend . We have 4 children together . She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids . T : My ex - boyfriend . We were together from 2008 to 2013 . He is still an important person in my life . AJ : K 's new husband . They got married December 2011 . Most of the images used in my blog I found floating around the Internet . I believe , in good faith , that they are either public domain , or my non - commercial use falls under fair use guidelines . If , however , you are the are the copyright owner of any image and wish me to remove it , please contact me and I will do so as quickly as possible