October 29 , 2013 · 9 : 51 pm Coming Into Focus Summary I have written three chapters of " Coming Into Focus " so far . The book is supposed to be about falling in love and figuring out that sex is not the same thing as love . When someone falls in love , they take chances , they put their heart on the line for someone they really care about . Sex is something you can have without feelings for someone . That 's why making love is different than having sex . It has feelings all wrapped up inside of it . And you can only truly make love if you are in love . October 29 , 2013 · 9 : 48 pm Chapter Three ( Coming Into Focus ) The nerves hit me after a few more miles of driving around the city . I didn 't have anything to do until the lunch , so I had just continued to drive around . After much thought , I decided I wanted to look my best when he saw me at the cafe . I went back to my apartment , and got out my nail polish kit . Right now , my nails had splotches of blue left over from when I did them on Christmas . It was now summer . I was surprised there was any left on them . I chose a light pink nail color that would match the sun dress I intended to wear . After applying two coats , I picked out some strapped sandal flats to go with my dress . I put my dress on the bed along with my shoes . I went into the kitchen , but realized I shouldn 't eat until our lunch date so I sat on the counter , waiting for the nail polish to dry . Once it did , I went into the bathroom and took another shower - so that any extra nail color would come off my toes . Once out , I blow dried my hair and stood there deciding between an up do or a pony tail . I never wore my hair down outside the house . I decided a pony tail would look better , since I didn 't want to get dressed up too much . I went and put on my dress , but left the sandals on the bed . I put my hair up and didn 't think it looked right so I did it again . Then , I went back to get my nail kit , deciding if my toes were going to show , that I needed to do those nails , too . After they dried , I put on my sandals and noticed the time . I was going to be late if I didn 't leave now . I rushed to my car , started it , and headed toward the coffee shop . I had to stop at six stoplights on the way and knew I would end up late , but as soon as I got to the shop , I saw him parking his cop car in an available space across the street . I was so glad that he just got here . I parked at a spot next to him and looked in the mirror and checked the makeup I had applied in the car . It looked good , so I slowly got out of the sudan and headed towards the door of the coffee shop where he was waiting . He returned a couple of minutes later , carrying a tray of food and two drinks , " I forgot to ask what you wanted to drink , so I asked them what you liked best . The cashier said you were ' addicted to the mocha frap ' . So I got you a mocha frap . " " I paint and go to the beach . Sometimes I go to the gym or take bike rides with a borrowed bike from my neighbor , Sam . " And have random sex with multiple guys , I thought , but that 's not going to happen anymore . He laughed . " I also go on bike rides and swim a lot . I go to the gym across the street every afternoon after work . I haven 't been to the beach in a while , though . " He blushed and looked down , as if he were covering it up , but then I noticed something on his face that said ' this isn 't just hanging out , I really like you ' , and blushed myself . " I didn 't mean it that way . " I corrected myself , " I just meant next time we see each other . I didn 't know you wanted this to be a date . " But I did know , I was just being casual . " It 's okay . I 'm not used to this kind of thing . I 've been too involved in my work to really even look at women . " He blushed again . We talked on for another hour . And then another hour after finishing our meal . He was a really sweet guy , with bright blue eyes and longish brown hair . His muscles were thick in his chest and shoulders , moving as he talked , but thick enough to make him look scary . His face was soft and thin . Every time he smiled at me , it reached his eyes . He had a small dimple on the left side when he smiled and his eyes crinkled at the sides each time he did this . He was much more handsome than all those other guys that came into her life for a short time and left and something told her he was definitely the relationship type . She hoped , too , that he would stay in his life for a while . She hadn 't noticed she was staring at him and just barely caught the question . " I don 't work today . It 's my day off . " " Oh okay . Sounds good . I just got off work before lunch . I was wondering if maybe you 'd like to watch a movie sometime ? I would say go to the movies , but they 're too expensive nowadays . " " It 's a girl and her name is Shawna . She 's a german shepard . I got her when she was sent to be a police search dog , but she 's retired from that now , because she hurt her hip . She walks with a limp sometimes , but is still the happiest dog I know . " He chuckled . " Well that 's good . I have to go soon . I just noticed the time . I have to go soon . I need to walk Shawna . Sorry to have to leave , but I don 't want anymore spots on my carpet " He said after glancing at his watch . " That 's fine with me . I was planning on going to the dog shelter sometime this week to look at the pets . I just moved to an apartment that allows dogs . Since I moved out of my parents house four years ago , I 've always wanted my own pet . " There was a small silence after that . I didn 't know what to say or how to say goodbye , so I just looked at him . It wasn 't an awkward silence , or to me it wasn 't . I just looked into lose beautiful blue eyes and waited for him to say something . He finally did . " I had a really nice time with you today . I hope I can get your number and hang out with you sometime soon . Maybe we could go for that bike ride . " " Yea . I really need to walk Shawna now , so how about I call you tomorrow ? " He took out a pen from his pocket and a receipt . He wrote down his number and then tore part of the paper off and handed both to me , including the pen . I got the gist and wrote down my number on the second half of the paper and handed the pen and paper back to him . I put his number in my wallet for safe keeping after realizing I 'd left my phone at home . We both stood up . Cole walked around the table and kissed me on the cheek , then headed for the door while waving goodbye . I headed to the restroom , first , but afterward I headed out the door . His car was gone once I got outside . Once I pulled out of the parking spot , I headed for the ASPCA . October 29 , 2013 · 9 : 47 pm Chapter Two ( Coming Into Focus ) Seven days had passed since the incident . I had gone about my normal routine - doing laundry on Sunday , working Monday through Friday , going home at 7 pm and reading my romance novels , but I noticed everyday that something was missing . I thought at first that it was the guys and I decided to let myself just miss it because I knew I wasn 't going to let that happen again , but realized that it wasn 't . It felt like there was a big , empty gap in my heart waiting for the right person to come along and fill up that empty space . I am lonely . More lonely than I 'd ever felt , but I still wouldn 't back down . The night of the seventh day , I got my old stuffed animal lamb out of the back of my closet , dusted it off and took it to bed with me . I needed something to sleep with , because I felt bare and alone . The next day , I got out of bed early . It was my day off , but I still got up early . I felt I needed to . I decided to go to the gym . I hadn 't been to the gym for years , but I put on my sweat - shorts , a tank top , and a sweatshirt with a hood , and walked down the street to the corner , where the gym was located . I did that for about four hours and until I could run no more . Once finished I signed out and went across the street to the coffee shop I call work . I got a free coffee - because I work there - and sat at a table in the far corner . I watched the people pass by out the window . Seeing a couple stop to kiss , I decided I wanted to be like them . They had a baby stroller with a pink - cheeked , chubby baby inside . As soon as they started walking again , a tear fell down my cheek . I quickly wiped it away so no one would see . A finely muscled man stepped into the coffee shop . His police uniform was black like most police in this town , but it was tight on him and looked really sexy . I quickly turned away when I received butterflies in my stomach from the smile he gave my before walking to the counter to order his drink . This man wasn 't like the men I usually had sex with . He wasn 't that type . Somehow I could tell . After ordering his drink he sat down at a table two down from mine . I tried to ignore him and reach for my coffee to take a sip , but my coffee was empty . I reluctantly left the shop to head to my house . Once home , I took another shower and brushed my teeth this time . I decided to go for a drive in my beat up mini - van . I drove around the city and got lost in my mind as I went . I heard the sirens after a few minutes of driving down Wentworth Street . I pulled to the side of the road thinking they were going to pass me , but the cop pulled up behind my van . I couldn 't remember what I had done wrong . So I decided to ask the officer once they were by my window . I turned down the radio and waited as the officer walked up to my window . " Yea , never been a Mrs . " I said . Hoping he 'd take the hint . I wasn 't really flirting , just humoring it a little . " Okay " He had a big smile on his face . " I 'll see you then , and I hope you get your brake light fixed . I 'd hate to have to pull you over again and give you a ticket . I mumbled a good - bye and rolled up my window . It was then that I noticed he never put my name in his computer or wrote up a warning ticket . I smiled to myself . October 29 , 2013 · 9 : 46 pm Chapter One ( Coming into Focus ) It all happened so fast . His breath was at my neck as he lifted himself to undo the last thing he had on him - his pants . Once undone , he shoved his large cock into my small sex and lingered there for a moment while his fingers massaged my clit . He began to move as quickly as possible , grunting and moaning as he went . Usually I enjoyed this . This was normal in my eyes , but in my heart there was nothing for this man . I figured my heart was black by now . It didn 't feel the same as it used to . He plunged in again and this time he let loose inside me . He collapsed on top of me . I felt disgusted by him and myself . I didn 't really know this man . We had never had a real conversation . He had taken me on a date . Usually after sex , I would feel powerful - I would feel better after a long day and this pleasure was normally all I needed - but this time was different . I didn 't feel better , I felt worse . I felt like my world was crashing down on me and I felt like the thing I tried to avoid all my life - a slut . I was officially a slut in my own eyes . I was one of those gross people . This had to change . I couldn 't continue on with this . I pushed him off me and grabbed my clothes while shielding myself with the sheet . I yelled at him to leave . I would never do this again , if my life depended on it . Once the man left , I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried . After a few minutes , I opened my eyes to my purple and gray room . My painted , gray dresser still sat in the same place it had since I moved into the drab apartment . On it sat a pack of condoms and a lamp . I screamed in fury . Getting up off my bed , I ran to my dresser and grabbed the condoms . I , then , opened the window next to my dresser and used my good arm to throw them out the window . I felt like I never wanted to see another one again for as long as I lived . I sat down hard on the floor next to my dresser - in front of my window - and thought . I sat there thinking for a long time , until I realized I was in need of a big change in my life . I was not going to have sex with random men ever again . I will wait for my one . I won 't choose any guy off the street that I 'm attracted to , he has to come to me . I got up and took off my clothes to take a shower and wash off the stench of the nasty man that had left about 30 minutes ago . Walking into the bathroom , I saw another pack of condoms and threw it into the trash can . I took the bag out of the trash can and went to the kitchen to put it in the big waste basket . Once I climbed out of the shower , I still felt dirty , but I knew I was cleaner than I had been in a while . I walked into the kitchen and poured some water in the kettle , then headed to the bathroom to blow - dry my hair . I heard the kettle whistle in its loud way , so I stopped the hair dryer when my hair was pretty much dry and stomped into the kitchen . I poured this water into on of the mugs I had already put a tea bag in and let it soak while I went to get dressed . I didn 't feel the need to use my toothbrush , because with these men - that I 'm never going to " use " again - they don 't kiss you . It 's like a secret and unwritten rule that you don 't kiss the guys you 're just going to fuck once because you could get attached . I grabbed a blue - green tank top and some gray sweat pants . After dragging them on , I pulled over my head a white sweatshirt . I ambled into the kitchen and drank my tea black for the first time since 2005 . Cursing , I reach around on the floor to find the paint bottle I just dropped . Why do I keep messing up ? Crumpling up the canvas paper and throwing it into this trash , seems like all I do lately . I need some muse . I crumple up another canvas sheet . Putting my hand up , I plop my head down on it , so that my chin is resting on my palm . What could I do to find muse ? Where could I go ? What could I see ? That 's it ! I rummage around for my sneakers and socks in my room and when I return with them on , I notice there 's blue paint all over the floor where I had just dropped the paint bottle . Heading back to the painting area , I 'm going as fast as I can with out hitting something or tripping , and I end up hitting the toe of my shoe on the wicker table in front of the big , ugly , brown couch . Good thing I 'm wearing my sneakers , because that would have hurt . I note for the thousandth time that my roommate needs better design skills if she 's ever going to be an interior designer . Reaching the painting area , I try to bend gracefully to the floor - remember I 'm not graceful at all - and end up face planting into the blue paint . I get up on my knees and rub the floor slowly with the paper towel - my face can wait , because it will come off my face later , granted with some scrubbing , but not the floor . I remember my mother 's words of how to get paint off the floor if it 's still wet , Don 't scrub ! Move the wet towel slowly in circles around the area of paint on the floor and it will come off easily . So , I do as she would have said . Even if she 's an asshole . It finally comes completely off the floor , so I get up off the floor and trudge to the kitchen to pick up the paper towels and get this crap off my face . In the kitchen - which , I might add , is only five steps away from the living room and two steps away from the painting area , which is just another part of the living room - I throw away the wet , and now blue paper towel . I bend over , grabbing the roll of clean - but now not so clean - paper towels , slowly , but surely , rolling them back up as neatly as possible , which isn 't very neat , but it 'll work to be able to put them back on whatever that white thing hanging up under the cabinets is called . I hang it back up on the flimsy white thing , thinking , I know I could make a better way to hold paper towels , without it falling every chance it gets . The kitchen countertops are light green , which I think is probably the coolest part about this apartment , while the decor in the kitchen is drab . Kate , my roommate and , may I add , sort of best friend , says , If you have that bright of countertops , you shouldn 't have anything bright around them , unless it 's in small doses . I kind of agree with that , actually . Maybe she is sort of good at this design crap . Walking over to the sink again i slowly get a paper towel from next to it , out of that stupid , flimsy , white thing . This time - thankfully - it doesn 't collapse . I , then , wet the paper towel and try the slow circles on my face to see if the trick works on faces , too . Slowly , but surely , the paint starts to come off onto the towel . So , I go do the rest in the bathroom to make sure I get it all . As I finish getting all the blue off of my face , I notice there still a faded blotch of blue thats not coming off . I touch it with my finger to see what it is . I step back as I poke it , because it hurts . I have a bruise from my face plant , Awesome ! Now what was my plan again ? Oh right ! I was going to take a walk ! " Sparky ! " I yell , trying to figure out where my labrador is hiding in the room . She snorts and I realize she 's asleep between the couch and the blue side table - pushing on the floor lamp every time she snores , I might add . That damn thing is going to fall over again . It 's almost as flimsy as the white thingy - whatever it 's called . I decide to leave Sparky behind , since she obviously isn 't going to move , even if I get a treat . She 's a very lazy dog . I rescued her from a shelter about two years ago , she was malnourished and had been used for dog fighting , but for some reason , even though she was mean to the workers at the shelter , she was really sweet to me . The next day , I went back to see if she was still there and had actually bought her a toy that you can put treats in , so the dog takes its time trying to get out their prize . She loved it . The third day , when I came back , the worker there was the same as the day before . She said that I was the only person that Sparky would play with or even get close to . I fed her for the worker , so that maybe she would eat something . She did . I took her home that day . Never thought I would have adopted a dog , much less her . I usually only go to the shelter to see and pet the dogs and cats , but that day was different , really different . I walk out the door and then back track to grab my keys off the cute little hooks by the door that Kate just bought at the Dollar General . They were apparently only a dollar , so she had to get them . Finally I exit the apartment , lock the door , and head down the stairs . While making my way down three flights of stairs I think about how it 's a wonder that I haven 't fallen down these stairs . And then I think one word . YET . I pull open the door to the street . Damn this door is too heavy . Then , I walk out into the cool fall air . I 'm immediately glad I took a walk . The air feels good on my face . With what little trees are around , the leaves have fallen to the ground and it smells of fall . I don 't know why , but fall always smells different than any other season to me . It just has a distinct smell . It 's hard to explain . I attach my keys with my trusty , old keychain hook on my pants and decide to skip down the street . As I 'm skipping , I hear sounds of far away traffic and a siren . No one ever comes down this street , because it 's what me and Kate call a useless street . There are bigger streets around it that most people take , because this one only goes one way . I skip along and then slow down and stare up at the stars . It 's a beautiful night , but you can only barely make out the stars , because of the city lights - even though we 're on the edge of the city . I hear a tingle , then a plop . I can 't figure out what it is at first , but then I realize the trusty keychain broke and my keys fell in the gutter . I get on my knees , even though the street is wet , and look into the gutter . I would have given up on them if Kate was home , but she 's off with her new fling or whatever they call it nowadays . Pulling open the gutter , I reach my hand in as far as I can and I almost get to them . I can 't reach so I get onto my stomach , disgusted by the dirty street and reach again . July 1 , 2013 · 7 : 48 pm Chapter Four : A new way to see The next day was interesting . Mark made it to the hospital late after traffic was terrible and the coffee stand was too filled with people . He changed into his scrubs in the locker room and made it to the recovery ward just in time to see a few of the new patients entering . He stopped and looked back at one of the patients . It was the girl . The one who was in a coma . She was still looking a little foggy , but she was being transported to one of the rooms he was in charge of now . He smiled . Mark was glad she woke up . For some reason he just knew she would be a good patient , instead of some of those bratty ones that never use manners . He took one of the trays of food to her room , attempting to make conversation . She was asleep when he made it in the room . So he left the food for her and went back to the Nurse 's Station . July 1 , 2013 · 7 : 39 pm Chapter Two : A New way to see It was just another day at Good Hope Hospital . Natalie and Michelle were gossiping in the Nurses 's Station about who knows what and Claudia was bringing in new patients to the recovery ward . Mark was sitting at the Nurse 's Station , filing charts . He wished he was off and playing his clarinet at the jazz club two blocks away , but he was here working . While he was filing charts , he noticed one chart belonged downstairs in the ICU . He told the other nurses he was going to drop it off and headed to the elevator . In the elevator , the music was the same , boring , old song that played over and over again . He knew it by heart and almost started to sing along , when the elevator stopped to let him off . Stepping off , he saw terror in many people 's eyes who were about to go into surgery or who were injured in ways unimaginable . Then , as he was headed to their Nurse 's Station , he saw her . She was in a coma . She was on a breathing machine . She was the most sad looking of all of them . Would she ever wake up ? he thought as he walked passed . He wondered , then , how many of the patients that were in a coma ever did wake up . It was sad to think of it . He tried to turn his eyes and his mind away from the subject , but he thought about it until he made it back to the elevator after dropping off the chart . WordPress . com annieboo325blog · It 's just me , don 't expect anyone else … Blog at WordPress . com . annieboo325blog Blog at WordPress . com . Post to