Grandma 's Marathon is a big deal , with rooms reserved months and month in advance . Diane and her husband had been planning on going to see their son run so she had worked on getting us a hotel room . Prices were astronomically high so we decided to share a room with Craig 's friend Jer . Then Diane died , and the world came crashing down around all of us . Again . We decided to go ahead and go to the marathon . Diane 's son , Rick , was still going to run . Craig 's brother was running . So on a very rainy night in June , we headed the 2 hours north . We could barely see the road on most of the drive up . Jer was driving and by the time we got to the hotel , it was late , and we were all exhausted . Somehow , we ended up watching a local cable access show called " Average Guys " . It was two middle age men who " talked " sports . In their basement . Like Sports Center . Except , without the knowledgeable anchors and clips and , well , flash . It was ridiculously funny without meaning to be . The three of us laughed hysterically at this show . In fact , we still talk about it all the time . The next morning was the marathon . We had to walk quite a few miles to the finish line . I was just over 2 and half weeks post partum at this point . I had tore pretty bad and was hurting and bleeding heavily by the time we got to the finish line . We waited patiently for Craig 's brother to pass by us . He had made a tank top that had Curtis ' picture and " Running in Memory of Curtis 5 . 31 . 2006 " on it . He told us later people had cheered him on saying " Go for Curtis ! " quite a few times during the race . It really meant a lot to us . After the race was over , a group of us went out for pizza . I remember sitting at this table , ordering some pizza , everyone chatting and just wanting to sink into the ground . I was so sick of everything being normal . I wanted to stand up and scream to the packed restaurant " MY SON DIED ! WHY DON ' T YOU PEOPLE CARE ? HOW CAN YOU KEEP LIVING YOUR LIFE WHEN MY SON DIED ? " Even my husband , just chattering away , making his jokes , he seemed so normal . I knew he wasn 't . I knew he was dying inside . I knew he missed Curtis just as much as I did . I knew he wished like hell we were sitting home with our 3 week old son marveling at baby spit up . But on the outside of everyone we looked like any other normal group from that weekend . However , we weren 't . We had just lost our son . Our in laws just lost a grandson , nephew , and dear friend . Our friends just had lost their mom . We were a shattered and broken bunch . Ordering pizza . Because life ticks on . I couldn 't walk back to the hotel , I was very sore and aching . My brother in law , who had just run the race , offered to drive me back to the hotel . There is a big party atmosphere after the marathon and everyone else wanted to partake in it . I was in desperate need of a nap and alone time . I couldn 't pretend anymore . I was broken . I didn 't want to hang out in some bars or party tent with hundreds of people . No small talk . I just wanted to be broken . All by myself . I immediately sunk onto the hotel bed and closed my eyes . Images of Curtis flashed through my head and I tried so hard to remember what it felt like to hold him . I fell into a deep sleep . Later , I woke up and wandered the hotel looking for something to eat . There was an indoor water park that had a snack bar . I ordered a hamburger and watched the kids play . There was a dad , of course , with 2 sons . He was picking up each one and throwing them into one of the pool areas . They were screeching and laughing . " Again , Dad ! " could be heard throughout the water park area . I took my sad burger back to the room and ate it in front of the TV . Throughout the night , Craig kept calling to check in on me . Was I okay . Should he come back to the room . Yes . No . One thing everyone tells you : men and women grieve differently . It was true . I think Craig found comfort in fun , routine activities . Stuff we would have done had we never had a child . Where I found comfort in being alone and not having to put on a brave face . I wanted him to have fun . And honestly , it felt good being by myself but some where far from home . I remember changing into short to wear to bed , sitting on my bed , just running my fingers over my teddy bear tattoo . " Curtis Roger 5 . 31 . 2006 " Over and over I touched it . He was real . I have the tattoo to prove it . Even though I often wonder what the hell happened . Was it imagined ? Did it really happen ? The tattoo reminds me of how real it all was and is . Then and now . So , I sit and looked at my tattoo . And missed my little baby boy . Deviation from " our story " I know on my last deviation post , I waxed a nice poetic thing about baby showers and how glad I am I had one . And , I truly am . It was the only baby shower I had . I didn 't have one for our daughter . ( Well , that is not true . I had a surprise dinner with a few friends about 5 months after she was born . I cherish this VERY MUCH ) . It was the only shower I had with family and the whole kit and caboodle . But , I am also over 2 years out from my loss and I can look back on these things with a better view . I do understand that . And I want people to know that wherever you are with your grief , it is okay . It is okay to be angry you had a baby shower . That is okay . I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and the topic came ' round to Curtis . We were talking about baby showers ( a friend of hers told her " that is why you shouldn 't have a shower before the baby is born . And we launched into the conversation on why I am happy we had one . ) She had the horrible task of doing things with his clothes . I made a post awhile back about " running " into some of his things . At this point , she has 95 % of them gone . She is holding a garage sale with my grandma this week , and I guess the few items she had left , she put out . A very pregnant woman came up and started going through them . My mom had to walk away when she came up to buy them . She said the woman was beaming , so excited at the finds of these Brand ! New ! Clothes ! So cute . Choked up , she tells me : " I don 't know why , but that little blue dinosaur hooded sweatshirt and pants , they just make me ache . " I gasp . " That was one of the first things I bought for him when I found out he was a boy . " " Maybe that is why . It is so cute . " Through my tears I tell her , " I am kind of mad it is one of the last things to go . That is one of the cutest things we had ! " She laughs through her own tears and says " If you had seen the look on this woman 's face , sweetie , you would understand why it was the last one left . It was like it was meant for her . Because she cherished that outfit . Posted by The night of Diane 's funeral was a difficult one . Craig had went back with the family to their house and I had went home . I couldn 't handle anymore people . I was spent . I was exhausted . Craig said he would be home in the evening sometime . As the minutes , and hours , ticked by I got more and more worried . I paced the floor . I held my cell phone in my hand at all time . I would be able to reach him on his phone , and he told me he would be leaving soon , but never did . I tried to get some sleep but I couldn 't stand to be away from him . Every time I closed my eyes , I would imagine the worst . Any car that passed the house , I was sure it was a police officer coming to tell me some horrible news . I was just convinced he was never coming home . As the night wore on , I became increasingly more agitated and worried . Later on , I would learn , he had spent the night talking with his friend and , in true guy fashion , drowning their sorrows in beer . I now know how important that time was . Jer and Craig were able to escape together and be with someone with a shared horrible loss . They were able to talk and laugh and talk . They probably had their first " deep " conversation in their 25 year friendship . But to me , at the time , I just felt abandoned and lonely . I was angry and hurt . It was a hard thing to feel . We had just lost our son , this was small peanuts compared to that . But I was still angry at my husband for hurting my feelings , like I had been at other times in our relationship . I remember him asking me the next day if it was really that big of a deal . After everything we had been through , couldn 't we just not argue ? I told him just because our son died doesn 't mean he escapes me getting angry with him . It was just another thing we had to adjust to . We easily got through it , and like I stated , I do now understand what happened that night and I am glad he had the chance to spend that time with his friend . But , life does get in the way of grief . And just because you are grieving does not mean everyday annoyances aren 't going to get on your nerves . Craig returned to work a few days later and the life started to ease back into a routine . I had spoken to my work and decided to come back in early July . I had been planning to be transferred to a different location ( close to home ) after Curtis was born . I was excited to cut down my 120 mile a day round trip commute out . I was convinced they were going to make me return to my old location once I didn 't have the baby as an " excuse " as why I needed to be close . I found out later , that wasn 't the case and I was grateful . I did not want to return to the location where I spent so much of my time pregnant and spending time with the people who shared my pregnancy daily . I needed fresh new clients and a fresh new area . So , I had 4 weeks . 4 weeks where Craig would leave everyday and I would stay home . Those days are a blur of nothing . I rarely left the house . I would force myself on one small errand each day . That may be something as simple as driving the 2 blocks to the post office . I mostly spent a lot of time online . Research stillbirth . Posting on a message board . Sitting on the couch and dreaming about being pregnant again . Trying to figure out what the hell had just happened . What happened to my life ? Had I _ really _ been pregnant ? Had I really given birth ? If so , where was my proof ? ? Every other woman who spends 9 months pregnant gets her baby . It felt like a gigantic game of pretend . For 9 months , everyone around me indulged in my little game and one day , they all stopped . Back to the real world . No more pretending . A deviation from " our story " posts . . . . I saw this post on a message board from a woman : So , I was on a message board and saw a thread on " When should I have my baby shower ? " Bless her and hope she remains ignorant . ( you know what I mean ) And someone 's response , " You should make sure to have it by 30 weeks because you don 't know what will happen ! " My response , in my head , " You shouldn 't have one until they are here because you REALLY don 't know what will happen . " And I can 't say it out loud because it would be perceived as mean , cruel , terrible , etc etc etc . I see it as realistic . This made me think . Recently , I have come to terms with Curtis ' shower and nursery and shopping for him and planning for his life . As much as it SUCKED to have planned for his life and face all of that " stuff " after his death , I am glad I had it all . Sure , there are plenty of times I am very bitter about it . But , there is some good with it all . It was the one time he was celebrated . It was the one time everyone was happy when it was something surrounding him . So as much as it sucks he died at 40 weeks , I have wonderful memories of his baby shower and I am glad I had it and I am glad I shopped and planned for him . I am glad I did an entire nursery . So , even though we lost him at 40 weeks and I had to dismantle that nursery and pack away little clothes he never got to wear , at least I got a shower . At least there was a time people acknowledged and were happy about something surrounding him . Because after his death , that wasn 't the case . Late Friday night , Craig and I decided to drive back to Red Wing . We still had our hotel room reservation and we still really wanted to get away . We knew Diane 's funeral wasn 't going to be for a few days and there wouldn 't be much for us to do at home the next day . My mother in law told us to go , she knew how badly we needed it . So , at about midnight , we drove the 2 hours south . We were exhausted , but it felt good to lay in bed together . We needed a break from people and we were heading into another people full event . We just couldn 't believe the way things were happening . We had cancelled our tattoo appointment the day before but had rescheduled for the next day . We arrived at Spirit Garden 's ( that was her name , I guess ) tattoo shop early afternoon and settled in for our tattoos . I have such fun memories of this event . I think it was one of the first times I felt like things would be okay again some day . Never the same , never ever the same . And no time soon . But , hearing Craig joke in his typical manner made me feel " at home . " He was the first up in Spirit 's chair . She got to work on the cute teddy bear holding a blue flower on his left uper arm . After she was done , she asked him to look in the mirror and tell her what he thought . He took one look at it and said " Well , it is nice , but it is backwards . " A look of horror came over her face , until she realized he was joking . He was looking at in the mirror . She laughed , I laughed and to this day that memory is one of my strongest in the days after his death . After we both got our tattoos , we both were obsessed with looking at them in the mirror . I was ( and am ) extremely proud of my tattoo for Curtis . Like I had stated before , Craig is the exact opposite of a tattoo guy . No way he would have ever gotten a tattoo , much less a tattoo of a teddy bear . We spent the rest of Saturday together . We ate at a Chinese restaurant , we gambled in the casino and we talked . We knew this was our one shot . This was the one day that we had together before we were thrust back into the real world . Not just Diane 's funeral , but Craig was going to need to return to work . We stopped at Target for ointment for our tattoos , and I wandered into the book section . I picked up Marley and Me , a book about a maniac dog . I read the book jacket . It mentioned how the dog helped the couple after they suffered a pregnancy loss . My eyes welled with tears and I bought the book . I knew sometime I would be strong enough to read it . On Sunday , we made out way back home and went over with Diane 's family . There were tons of people , preparing for the funeral . We had many people come us , hug us , tell us how sorry they were . We were saying the same thing back . One thing that really sticks out in my head this day is listening to Diane 's husband speak . I was sitting at the kitchen table , and he was talking to a cousin of Diane 's who was going to do the eulogy . Steve started telling their story . How they met , when they decided to get married , he told about the birth of their 4 boys . He started talking about how in between sons three and four , they suffered a miscarriage . How sad that time was . I remember tears just pouring out of my eyes , thinking about their loss . How hard that must have been on Diane . Up until this point , I had been on autopilot . I hadn 't cried much , I was just done with all emotion . But that moment brought it all back . On Monday , Craig went to work and we met at the funeral home later for visitation . I had thrown on some maternity clothes . I knew I needed to wear the outfit I had worn to Curtis ' funeral to Diane 's . It was the only thing that fit . So I put on these maternity clothes that didn 't fit and felt uncomfortable . I think the visitation was the worst of the two . Everyone knew what had happened to us , but since we had a small service , no one had seen us . We had swarms of people around us , telling us how sorry they were , how bad they felt . A friend of my mother in law 's grabbed my face and expressed her sadness . I didn 't want to be rude , but I wanted nothing more than to yank my face away . The visitation allowed more time for talking like this , I felt like too much attention was focused on us . That probably isn 't true , but with the amount of people coming up to us , I felt like we were standing out . This wasn 't Curtis ' funeral . This was Diane 's . I didn 't want to talk to people . I didn 't want their sympathy . I wanted to be left alone . I nodded politely , and said thank you . I tried not to get separate from Craig as he was better at handling the situation than I was . At the funeral the next day , Craig was a pall bearer so he needed to sit up front and I was sitting in a pew with my sister in law and a friend . I remember them sobbing into their Kleenex and once again , I felt nothing . Watching Diane 's husband and 4 boys , with their arms all around each other , looking at her body one last time before they closed the casket ? Nothing . I was empty . I knew it was a horrible loss . I knew it was unfair . But at this point , nothing seemed to phase me . My brain had shut off emotion . It was the only way I could survive . In the days and weeks following Curtis 's death I used to lay beside Craig and fight sleep . I am one of the " lucky " ones that can usually sleep pretty well even when tragedy strikes . The doctor prescribed me some sleeping pills , but I never took them . In fact , the only reason I ended up taking a few Tylenol PMs was because I was trying to force myself to stay awake when I needed sleep . I was terrified if I closed my eyes , when I would wake up , the love of my life would be gone . Because , let 's face it , that is what happened to Curtis . A baby that is to be stillborn usually dies at night , while the mother sleeps and her blood pressure drops . There are other factors involved , of course , but that is the likely time frame and something I learned a few days after losing Curtis . If Curtis could just die while I was sleeping , so could Craig . So I would lay next to him , listening to him breathe . He usually has a slight snore so if that ever stopped , I was leaning across him , laying my hand on his chest and feeling the rise and fall . When life changes so suddenly it is normal to feel this way . But I didn 't know what normal was . Honestly , my life had been pretty peachy keen when it came to death . Only great grandparents well into their 80s had died . I had a grandfather die when I was 3 , but I didn 't remember that . I had a friend in high school die , but she wasn 't anyone I had been close to since years before her death and honestly , it didn 't effect me that much . We drove towards my in laws from Red Wing , trying to piece this all together . What had happened ? How is this possible ? Craig 's cell phone kept ringing . His brother had been the first to hear . Working for the city , he had a co - worker who was a police officer who knew our family was friends with her family . They figured it was her heart . This is going to sound purely selfish , but it felt so unfair . Craig and I were trying to spend a few days together away from home before he had to go back to work . We needed an espcape from everyone and we ended up back into another hellish situation . We knew how horrible it was to think this , but it just felt so unfair . We had enough going on . This situation alone would have been horrible enough . Craig went over to be with the family . His best friend Jer , one of Diane 's son 's , was on a business trip and hadn 't even been notified yet . They couldn 't get a hold of him . He was to be flying that night and Craig offered to pick him up at the airport . I spent the afternoon at my in laws house with one of my sister in laws and my father in law . I remember speaking out loud about my fear that Craig would die while I slept . My father in law kept saying that would never happen . But in situations like that , it is obvious how it can happen all too suddenly . The day passed . My mother in law was at a loss . She was the last person to see Diane alive . They had been out late , at the casino . Diane had dropped my mother in law off late that night , gotten home , and died while getting ready for bed shortly after . Her husband didn 't find her until closer to afternoon . They always slept in separate beds due to his snoring , and when Diane had been at the casino late , she always slept in . I remember my mother in law calling , sobbing hysterically . Repeatedly saying " I cannot believe this . I just can 't . " In the span of 10 days she lost her grandson and her best friend . The friend who was getting her out of the house , the friend who would help her through her grandson 's death . Life is brutally unfair . Craig and another friend went to pick up Jer at the airport . He had heard at this point . On some lay over , in some grimy airport , he heard that his mother had died . He knew it was bad by the sound of his brother 's voice . He was expecting his uncle , or his grandma , or heck , even his dad . But not his mom . Not the mom who he had seen 3 days prior at some big family gathering . At the doors near baggage claim , Craig and their friend waited . Jer came through the double doors . He took one look at Craig and said " Well , I guess she wanted to go hold Curtis . " One of the things I forgot to mention in my previous entry was the my uncle , from Hawaii , had flown in for the service . I just remembered , once again , being baffled by this . I had to keep reminding myself that my son died . It was a Big Deal . I know he had come to support my dad , his brother . It was something that meant a lot to us . It was a beautiful , early summer day . People chatted on the back patio , chomping on fruit and sandwiches my mom 's friends had made . I remember sitting on the love seat , next to my grandfather , and him hold my hand . It was a sweet gesture . I remember sitting outside with a few friends of mine and talking about another friend 's recent trip to Mexico to meet her now in - laws . I remember my mother in law joking about how far away we lived . I remember changing into different clothes later in the day , in my parent 's gust room . I remember leaning against Craig , him wrapping his arms around me , and I remember sobbing into his chest . We came home later that evening to a very quiet house . We had stuff strewn every where . We decided to sit down and open all of the cards we had been given lately . Letters poured out of so many . Heartfelt , heart broken words , people were just aching for us . I read each one with almost . . . numbness . It was all kind , it was all sweet , I knew it would mean so much to me at some point . But when I read it at the time I just thought " oh , that is nice . " And pushed it aside . In the months , and years , following , I would read their words , find comfort , and sob . But at that point feelings had started to turn off . My brain couldn 't handle the overload anymore . It was too much . I think that is why so often people say others forget or they feel abandoned . Because at the time of the loss , the love and support is all immediate . And it is almost too much . As time moves forward and you are able to process thing and truly grieve , others have stopped the outpouring . You often need it more 6 months down the road then you do 3 days into the process . That night , we were just sitting in the living room . This air of " what do you we do know ? " hanging over us . Craig started pacing across the living room floor . " Let 's go to a movie . Do you want to go to a movie ? " There was nothing we really wanted to see , but picked out anyway . A comedy . A movie called RV with Robin Williams . It had gotten horrible reviews , but we didn 't care . We went , we watched . We tried to lose ourselves in the movie . We didn 't , but it felt nice to do a normal , routine activity . The next following days , things are a blur . We went to a BBQ at my aunt 's house while my uncle was still in town . My cousin sat down with me and wanted all the gory details . How we found out . What delivery was like . What I was feeling . Grateful to talk , I poured it all out . Every last thing . Craig took the next week off , as planned when the baby would come . We didn 't leave each other 's side on Monday and Tuesday unless it was to shower . On Wednesday , his brothers and dad came over and they went to play 18 holes of golf . It was the first time we were apart and I went out to dinner with my parent 's . For my mom 's birthday . It was a somber dinner . I was on autopilot so much of this time . One of the days , I called Curtis ' daycare . They were expecting a phone call the beginning of June so they could start preparing to take him on in August . The poor woman on the phone who answered was on the receiving end of my first out loud explanation of what happened . I stated my name , said they were expecting my son to start in August , but he had been stillborn a few days ago . So wouldn 't be in their care . It was a stupid thing to say , but it was one of the first times I spoke it out loud to someone who didn 't know my story . Since this time , I have gotten very good at explaining it to people . But then , I just stuttered and stumbled my way through it . She stuttered and stumbled her way through saying she was sorry , and she would pass on the message , she hung up on me even before I could thank her . Craig had the task of calling our insurance company . We had some extra disability pay that we were entitled to when I gave birth . We had the form that had been filled out and needed to call to get some type of ID number . The woman was chattering away on the phone with him . The upcoming weekend , Craig and I decided to go on a little trip away . Craig would be heading back to work and I would be alone at home . We wanted to spend a little time together and just try to relax . I had come to Craig and said that I wanted to get a tattoo in Curtis ' memory . I had a tattoo already and I thought maybe I could add his birth date and name to it . Craig , who is the last person on Earth you would expect to get a tattoo , looked at me and said " I want to get one too . " We decided on our little trip we would find a tattoo shop and pick out tattoos in honor of our little boy . We were so excited . We left on a Friday morning and drove the 2 hours south . We approached the little town of Red Wing , MN and found " Spirit Garden 's Tattoo " shop . We walked in and started to look at designs . I was almost giddy at this point . I had so badly wanted this , I wanted something permanent to say " Yes , he is my son . Yes , he was alive . Yes , he matters . " Teddy bears had started to play a significance in our memory of Curtis . His urn was a teddy bear , and he had been posed with a tiny teddy bear at the hospital . Craig picked out a sweet little teddy bear holding a flower design . He asked me my opinion and I loved it . It was done , we would both get this sweet tattoo . I clearly remember him answering and looked in shock . He turned into an empty parking lot and said " what ? " I started thinking it was his Gram . She is 90 years old . In good health , but obviously something serious was wrong . I was confused . The only Diane I knew was in her 50s . We had just seen her a few days prior at Curtis 's funeral . She had never been sick . She was Craig 's best friend 's moms . She was my mother in law 's best friend . She went us to Vegas the previous year . There must be some mistake . The night before the service , Craig and I sat down to fill out his memory book . The hospital had given it to us . It asked us questions like " Would I have had a nickname ? " " What would we have done at Christmas ? " " What color was my hair going to be ? " It was heartbreaking creating a fake life for our very real son . But at the same time , it was nice to sit through and do this with my husband . There was a section to write letters to our baby boy . To this day , what my husband wrote is one of the most touching and most heartbreaking things I have ever read . We wanted this book on display at his funeral . I wanted everyone to read what Craig had written . We headed into Saturday , the day of his funeral , without ever hearing from the priest . I had picked out a few readings I wanted read and a poem I wanted to read . It was going to be a small service , so I wasn 't overly concerned about never having talked to the priest . I should have been , but , regrets will get you no matter what , right ? The service was around noon . I don 't remember the exact time . How weird is that ? I remember having to be at the funeral home early to set up our cherished items . Craig and I woke up , got dressed , packed the few bags of stuff in the car , and stopped at a gas station . While standing in line to buy ourselves a couple of caffeinated beverages ( not a lot of sleep was being had ) I noticed the early edition of the Sunday paper . We get the funeral home and lug in the bags of stuff . My parents had brought that hand made cradle and it was in front of the little room where his service would be held . My mom had her photo album she had made and 2 framed pictures . An 8x10 of Curtis and a 5x7 of the three of us . I started unpacking the bags we had brought when I realized a crucial one was missing . The one with the outfits we had picked out . The one with his teddy bear blanket . " Craig ! " I cried out , in desperation . " It isn 't here , all of his stuff , it is at home . " All of a sudden it was like it was crashing all down on me . We had been on " go " since the minute we found out he was gone . Must call people . Must deliver . Must spend time with him . Must get pictures . Must go home . Must plan the funeral . Must have the funeral . All of a sudden I knew it was coming to an end . Everything I could do for Curtis would be over soon and I would be left with myself to grieve . Having things to do for him took away the time to sit and think . And I had forgotten something . Craig raced home and grabbed the extra bag we had forgotten . We had so many things on display . Ultrasound photos . An angel figurine my aunt had sent . Flowers that had been arriving non stop at my door step and at the funeral home . His cradle . The handmade quilt . The book we wrote . Pictures , the photo album , and . . . . the temporary urn that houses his ashes . Of course , in typical fashion , the teddy bear urn we had ordered was on back order . We were given a temporary huge brass urn that was about as ugly as they come . I didn 't care , I had bigger fish to fry , but it was just typical of the way things were going for us . People started to arrive . You can feel the awkwardness . They never knew Curtis like we knew Curtis . I wanted people to look at the items . I encouraged them to read our letters to him . I let them cling to me and sob . I asked my mom to ask people NOT to hug me . I was in a ton of pain . My milk had come in and I was just aching when anyone slightly brushed against me . So having people cling to me and cry was not something I found comfort in . I wanted nothing more than to shove them back , but figured that may not be appropriate behavior at my son 's funeral . So I let them cling to me and popped a few more Advil . I remember Craig 's gram hugging me , crying , saying " It shouldn 't be like this . " I remember my grandma telling me we could try again . And , one image burned into my memory is Craig 's " second mom " Diane , whom he had known his whole life , reaching up , touching his face , and saying " Oh sweetie , " Our son 's funeral was the last day we would ever see her alive . The next time would be at her funeral a shocking 10 days later . There were people at his service that I was just baffled by . I am not close with my some of my aunts and uncles , yet they attended . I remember thinking " I said close friends and close family . Why in the world are people I see MAYBE once a year here and I don 't have others here who I see weekly ? " That was , and still is , frustrating for me . I understand they are family , but some of them didn 't even talk to me at my son 's funeral . Craig has a family large extended family and some close relatives were not invited . It is a point of contention with me . Looking back , if I had to do it over , we would have had a large service , open to anyone . One of my aunts pressed a gift into my hand . My cousin clung to me and cried . She told me she didn 't usually think baby boys were cute , but Curtis ' pictures , he was cute . I stood awkwardly with my friends . Craig and I watched as two friends of ours that had met and dated after our wedding saw each other for the first time since breaking up . Craig and I actually joked to see eachother that they hooked up at our wedding , maybe they would get back together at our son 's funeral . Yes , a tasteless joke , but laughter really got us through a lot of these moments . We were getting close to the time the service was going to start and the priest wasn 't there yet . I flagged down Colin to ask him what was going on . He had no idea and would call over the church . I told him it was okay , I had a few things I could read and would do it myself . He said he would check . The priest showed right at noon . I threw a few readings at him as the service was about to start . The guy was disaster . If it hadn 't been Curtis ' funeral it would have been comical . I cannot believe this guy is a public speaker for a living . He stammered his way through a few bible passages he had picked out . The beautiful readings I picked out that flowed so beautifully , he stammered through . He forgot my name a handful of times . At one point he said " Craig and . . . . " turned his head to look at the table with Curtis ' ashes on display , trying desperately to see my name somewhere . Someone shouted out my name from the audience . Finally , the torture of him speaking was over and I stood up to read a poem I had found . I heard someone gasp from the room . I know they couldn 't believe I was getting up to speak . I know it is hard for others to imagine , but he was MY son . I spent 9 months with him . I made him , I grew him , and reading this poem was the only thing I had left . Craig and I held hands and walked up to the front . I know my voice was shaking , but I barely shed a tear . I told everyone not to feel too sorry for us . Because we would do it all over again to hold our son . It was worth it . Every moment of heartbreak was worth it . Because we had a baby boy . No matter where he was , he was forever with us . My doctor called in the morning to check on me . It was a nice gesture , but my doctor has zero bedside manner . He stumbled through asking me if I was okay , asking me if we were going to have a service ( and I was horrified at the thought he might show up . I must have said a few times it was family only ) and I could just sense he was trying to hurry up and get me off the phone . Despite the fact that he called me . We were anxious to see the pictures the hospital took and left a few messages for Mary Beth to find out what had happened to them . She had said she would get them developed Thursday , but we hadn 't heard anything about them . Something weird with my cell phone happened because it ended up she had called and left a few messages , but my phone didn 't register them until much later . She had dropped the pictures at the funeral home and when we found that out we raced to go see them . I remember feeling so nervous to see the pictures . Colin handed them to us and happily told us " some of the pictures are really cute ! " It was a nice sentiment , but in saying that I somehow expected the pictures to be more . . . . I don 't know . Soft . More living baby like . When I first looked at the photos , my immediate thought was " He does not look like I remember him . " My heart sank . I remember a sweet , sleeping face . Not that blue / red tint . I remembered soft little lips , not the red hue that is typical of stillborns . I didn 't remember all the extra skin on his hands . But , of course , I never SAW his hands . Craig remembered something he had read in one of the books , someone suggested turning the pictures into black and white to help soften the color . We decided to drive to Target and do just that . I remember standing at the photo kiosk , struggling with trying to scan the pictures in to convert them . I could get them scanned , but couldn 't figure out the color conversion . Curtis ' face was up on the big screen . The photo place was busy and one assistant seemed highly annoyed we were taking so long . We asked for help , we just wanted someone to tell us , but the other assistant walked over . I covered the screen with my hands and told her that they were sensitive pictures . That it was a baby who was gone . She gently smiled and said that was okay . She showed us quickly how to convert them to black and white . When she walked away , Craig noticed she had tears in her eyes . My parents were helping to put together a small photo album and had asked for some pictures . We drove over to their place with our now black and white photos of Curtis . My mom had printed a large amount of pictures we had taken with our camera that day . My dad had uploaded everything to a CD to give to us and my in laws . In his haste , and quite frankly lack of knowledge , he uploaded every last picture on my memory card on to the CD . So when he put it in the computer to show us , pictures of my baby showers , Curtis ' bedroom , and me 35 weeks pregnant flashed on the screen before pictures of Curtis showed . I had to look away . It hurt too much to see the baby shower cake which exclaimed " I 'm On My Way ! " with rubber duckies on it . It hurt too much to see my gigantic stomach . And it hurt to see his bright , cheerful room . All just waiting for a little baby . Craig and I were in desperate need of clothes to wear to his service . We walked into JC Penny 's and wandered up and down the aisles trying to decide what clothes to wear to our son 's service . My body was only a few days post partum so I felt comfortable in nothing . I bought the first shirt and skirt combo that fit . I made sure not to pick out black , even though I wanted to . I clearly remember Craig standing in the dressing room with me and I started to cry . I leaned into his chest and sobbed " We should be picking out clothes for his baptism , not his funeral . " I said it loudly . I wanted everyone around me to know . I wanted them to know the hell I was going through . As they spent their Friday doing some summer shopping , I wanted them to know I was in hell . I wanted their sympathy . It is weird to admit that , but it is true . We tried to call the clinic to see if another OB could do it , but no one in the clinic could even find my chart so no other OB could do it . It was a huge , huge headache . We were practically minutes away from not getting the certificate signed due to the timing of the cremation place . Luckily , I remembered my doctor had called earlier in the day from his home and his number was stored into my phone 's memory . I made Craig call him to ask him what we could do to get this done . He was able to run to the funeral home and sign the certificate with minutes to spare . Never once apologizing for dropping the ball ( He was suppose to sing the certificate in the hospital we had learned ) . And , most likely , taking my chart home with him . Which is illegal . ( It wasn 't the first time they couldn 't find my chart . A nurse told me he often took charts home with him . In fact , at one of my last appointments the doctor I had to see for that one couldn 't find the chart . The previous appointment I had monitoring for low movement and heart decels . Makes you wonder the what ifs . What if that doctor had seen something in my chart that showed her the impending issue ? What my doctor had obviously missed ? ) At home that night , Craig and I stood outside of Curtis ' door . We wanted to bring some special items with us . The outfits we picked out when we found out he was a boy . The quilt Craig 's cousin had made . A teddy bear blanket a friend had picked out . To bring these special items with , we had to go in his room . I opened the door , and the bright colors greeted me . Sunlight streamed in the room . I saw where my parents had tossed everything in their haste to make our living areas less baby centered . But , at the heart of it all , was his room . The room he was only ever in while inside of me . I allowed myself a minute to take it all in . It still all smelled so new . So untouched . I didn 't allow myself to cry . Not now , not in this room . Despite the heartache , this room was my happy place . The room I was so excited to create for him . I don 't remember the drive home , but I do remember walking in the door . We were greeted by a very eager puppy . She wiggled , and jumped , and spun in circles over and over . I knelt down , very slowly , sat on the floor and let her climb all over and lick me . It felt good . It felt like coming home . We had gotten her in December of 05 . I was about 4 months pregnant and everyone thought I was crazy to get a puppy in the dead of winter AND with a new baby on the way . People told me I wouldn 't have time for her when the baby would be born . That my priorities would shift . That she wouldn 't get any attention . She would get lonely and be destructive . My parents had stopped over the night before to let her out . They offered to take her back to their place since we would be gone over night . As selfish as it was , I said no . Even though it meant she would be locked up in our kitchen , I wanted to come home to her . I wanted the puppy licks . Coming home to an empty silent house would have been too much too handle . I had asked my parents to remove the major baby items from the living room . The boppy , the swing , and whatever else I had left laying about . I didn 't expect them to go through my cupboards or anything , but I just wanted things tossed into the nursery . What ached the most ? The handmade , family heirloom cradle was noticeably gone . My grandfather made it about 10 years earlier and gave it to my mom to loan to each of her grandchildren to sleep in . My brother 's three kids had all used it . Curtis was to be the fourth . It had been in our living room . I remember the day my mom brought it over . She took a picture of Craig and I standing next to the cradle . She said " I can put these pictures side by side . You and Craig and the empty cradle . And then you , Craig , and the baby in the cradle . " Craig and I fell into our normal " at home " routine . I sat down at my computer to check my email and message boards . I have tons of online friends and communities I belong to . I wanted to post , I wanted to tell people I was okay , I wanted their words of comfort . I wanted them to know my anger and hurt . . . . but I wanted them to know my son . Craig made a few phone calls , letting people know we were home . We decided to try to take a nap before meeting with the funeral home . One of the things I remember most about the first few days , heck week , after losing Curtis was Craig and I glued to each other 's sides . He went into the kitchen , so did I . One of us woke up , we stayed by the other 's side until the other woke up . We laid down in the bed together . Tears falling from both of our eyes . I used to lay in bed and not be able to see down to the bedpost . Now that my stomach was deflated , I could see it again . Out of habit , I rubbed my hand over my stomach . If felt squishy and flabby , where it used to feel hard and firm . I jerked it away and started to sob . Our parents wanted to come to the funeral home with us . We still hadn 't discussed what we were going to do . In Craig 's Catholic family the norm is a viewing of the body , full burial , cemetery plot , the whole nine yards . I knew Craig and I were not prepared , financially or emotionally , to decide where Curtis ' resting place would be . . . forever . The only thing I knew for sure was wherever he ended up , I wanted to be next to him sometime in the future . I didn 't want to decide that right that second . I knew we couldn 't afford 3 cemetery plots . Craig and I had never even discussed OUR wishes in the event of our deaths . When we were getting dressed , an idea came to me . I wanted Curtis to come home with us . It wasn 't the way we had wanted , but I couldn 't stand him buried away from me . I approached Craig with my idea . We have Curtis cremated and his ashes come home with us . Then , we take a small amount of those ashes up to Craig 's family cabin and spread them on the lake shore . The rest of the ashes stay home with us . Then , in the future when we die , Curtis is placed with us . Wherever that may be . Whether we are buried or cremated . The cabin idea was what sealed it for Craig . His family had owned that property for 30 years . Every summer as a boy , and now adult , he was up there numerous times . He liked the idea of sharing that with Curtis . Of having a piece of him at the place that meant so much to him . Our in laws had mentioned " Baby Land " at local cemeteries . Rows and rows of babies all placed together at the cemetery . While I think the idea is sweet , I didn 't want Curtis away from us . Our in laws were used to having a place to visit their loved one after they died . We solved this problem later , but I stuck firm to wanting his ashes home with us . I know they were just worried that having his ashes would make it hard on us . When , in fact , the thought of it gave me great comfort . My parents drove us to the funeral home . I remember getting out of the car and my dad a step or two ahead . I was lingering , waiting for Craig to catch up and my dad reached back for my hand and I hesitated . My mom quickly said to him " She wants to hold hands with her husband . " My dad 's face fell , and he nodded . My heart broke for him . He didn 't know how to comfort his daughter . His extending his hand wasn 't meant as a replacement for my husband , it was just a dad trying to comfort his daughter . We met a young man named Colin . He couldn 't have been more than 24 . I wanted to ask him how in the world was he in the funeral home business . I was fairly sure he was an intern of some sort as he stumbled his way through helping us . He was never unprofessional , and he did look completely comfortable helping us , but his choice of words and almost . . . . happy . . . . way of dealing with us was a little odd . We sat down and he asked what we were thinking . I took a deep breath and explained to our families what we were thinking . Cremation . Small , close family and friends service , ashes home with us , spreading some at the lake . Everyone nodded , eyes being dabbed . " I . . . I . . . we . . . . just need him home . With Colin 's help , we came up with a small obituary . This is another regret . He gave us one that we modeled Curtis ' after . Now , I wish it had more details . I wish it had said how much we loved him . I wish it said I was pregnant 40 weeks . Only living people get obituaries . This was one of the few pieces of evidence that I would have that Curtis was a living human being . And I mucked it up . We agreed to a small service on Saturday . I had stated close friends and family . So , essentially , Curtis ' funeral was invitation only . Colin encouraged us to bring music we like , he encouraged us to bring special items of his . He said the ashes could be on display . Craig looked confused . I realized he thought there would be a viewing . He didn 't fully understand that cremation is instead of a viewing . I touched his arm and shook my head no . My heart ached . I thought he knew when we said goodbye to him in the hospital , that was the last time . With the way Craig had been a part of funerals in the past , there had always been a viewing . He had assumed that with Curtis . Craig nodded . To this day , the look on his face haunts me . He looked stunned , but agreed . For me . Colin pulled out a catalogue and wanted us to pick out an urn . He said there wasn 't much for children and we were welcomed to pick an adult one though it may be very big . He flipped to the back page and showed us the 4 urns we had to pick from . Two were very girly . One was a blue box with an angel boy engraved on it . One was a teddy bear . I looked at the prices . The blue box one was $ 150 , the teddy bear was $ 500 . I pointed to the blue box one , despite the fact I didn 't really like it . Money had been tight for Craig and I . We were deeply in debt and struggling to make ends meet . I felt guilty for wanting the $ 500 urn . Craig shook his head and said he really wanted the teddy bear one . I couldn 't help but sob . Here I was , so concerned about the prices . I didn 't even realize how I had been planning on dropping $ 1 , 000 a month in daycare , and I felt guilty about spending $ 500 on my son 's urn . I agreed to the teddy bear . In a weird way , I was excited about that urn . We didn 't have a priest local and Colin said he could arrange someone to come and say a few words , if we liked . We agreed , thankful for not having to go through the work of it ourselves . He said he would make a few phone calls and we should expect the priest to be calling us within the next day . We left the funeral home and my parents dropped us off , hugged us , and left . They were drained . I have no idea how it feels to be them , they were grieving their grandchild , but they also ached so much for us . After we sent Curtis away , we were left in that hospital room . They brought us a tray of food , I hadn 't eaten at all that day . I picked at the bread on the sandwich , ate the ice cream , and we began to pour over the materials that had been left in the room . We tried to turn on the TV , but it wasn 't working . We asked the nurse about it and she couldn 't fix it , but asked us if we would mind moving rooms . We went ahead and moved . I couldn 't stand the thought of a silent room . I had a silent baby today . I wanted the comforting background noise of a TV . I wasn 't expecting much sleep to be had , so I wanted something to watch as well . We got settled into another room . I remember laying in the bed , pulling out my cell phone and starting to text people . " He was born at 5 : 31pm . He looked so much like Craig . They think it was a cord accident . " Craig sat in the chair next to me , but I remember little of this time together . Both stuck in quiet reflection , reading articles on how 80 % of couples who lose a child divorce . Lovely . I didn 't sleep . I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the following days . The following months . Everything I had expected my life to be after giving birth , it wouldn 't be . I expected sleepless nights . I expected baby smiles . I expected hard time adjusting to parenthood . I expected me exasperated with my husband . I never went into parenthood expecting perfection and how wonderful it would all be . I had enough mom friends to know the truth . But , despite knowing the down side , I was well aware of the upside and I was okay with all of it . I was ready to take on the good AND the bad . Kim and Mary Beth were long gone at this point . They were the only nurses okay at taking care of pregnancy and infant loss patients . This woman clearly was not versed in their comforting language and their thoughtfulness . I said it was fine . This time we had a longer hike down the hall . I was grasping the gown behind my back and shuffling down the hall , past the other delivery rooms . I was in a bit of pain , and moving slowly . All of a sudden I heard it . Wooop . Wooop . Wooop . Loud . Clear . And strong . A baby 's heartbeat . We get to a much smaller room , but a room with two beds . Craig is able to lay down . I lay in the other bed and look around the room . On the wall there is a whiteboard . It says something like " No Me without You ! " It is an information board all about the mom and baby . I had wanted to go home . The doctor said I could have gone home immediately after delivery if I wanted . I think Craig was scared . I was bleeding a lot , I was in pain , I just had been through emotional hell . . . . he probably was afraid I would flip out . So he prefered that we stay at the hospital where he had help keeping an eye on me . He didn 't say that of course . My parents and his thought it was a good idea as well . Just to make sure I was healing okay after childbirth . At 6am , I was ready to get the hell out . I hadn 't slept much . I know I got a few hours here and there through the night , but at 6am , I decided I wanted to go home . Even if it meant going home without my son . Going home to his nursery and baby swing and his laundry still in the dryer . We alerted the nurses we were ready to go , but it was a painfully slow process . There was lab work to be done , and nurses to meet with . The lab nurse had tears in her eyes when she walked in . She told us she had lost her son a few years ago , he was 21 . We made the appropriate " oh I am sorry " comments . But it felt hollow . We didn 't care about her loss . We cared about ours . Looking back , I appreciate her reaching out to us . A social worker comes in and helps us fill out of information for our Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth . She is nervous about it because it is a new law they had just passed and it was her first time doing one and she was afraid she would mess up . Well , she did , but we were able to get it fixed later . She too , lost a child , she tells us . A 14 year old daughter . Kim , our nurse who delivered Curtis ( because let 's face it , a doctor who comes in for the last push does not count ) comes to go over my discharge papers . She looks exhausted . I had been looking forward to seeing her again , she was so kind the previous day , but now she can barely look at us . I wonder if she was hoping we would be gone so she didn 't have to be confronted with us again . We were emotionally draining people . She probably wanted to get back to her happy patients and happy families . I am sure it isn 't easy going through a stillbirth with patients . Who knows what it was like for her to go home at the end of the day , being a part of something like she had been a part of with us . Finally , they allow us to leave . Craig is instructed to go get the car and meet us out front . Kim tells me " I will call the funeral home and they will get his body . " " It 's okay , I just didn 't know he was still here , in the hospital . I thought , I mean , I thought he was gone . " My heart is aching . I hated the thought of us in the same building together and us not with him . We had chose to send him away , but I thought he would be sent to the funeral home . Not alone in some morgue . It felt like I had abandoned him . I take my flowers and bag . I climb slowly in the front . I thank Kim . Despite her quietness this morning , she had been a God send through Curtis ' birth . She came in on her day off , she held our hand , she was one of the select few who would ever get to meet Curtis . While brushing away tears , I tell her she is good at her job . I thank her again . I am 36 years old and have been married since December of 2004 . Our son was still born at 40 weeks in May of 2006 . He was our first child . After three horrendous pregnancies ( including a miscarriage ) , his little sister came home in November of 2007 and his little brother came home October of 2009 . Without Curtis , we are never complete , however , we know we are forever connected . This is our journey through life after loss always remembering Curtis and taking absolute joy in each day we have been given . If you are new here , the best place to start is the " Our Story " posts you will find the links to below . I am currently adding to our story . This is the first time I actually wrote , blow by blow , what happened to us . I have a lot to continue to write as I am catching up on over 2 years . As I write down the Our Story posts , I will be also blogging other things as they come up . Which , happens a lot . When I started this blog , I was keeping it more anonymous , since then I have abandoned that idea . My earlier posts don 't refer to my son or husband by name , but the more recent ones do . I welcome your emails , please email me at hismom531 @ yahoo dot comIf you have had a loss , I am so sorry . Our story , sadly , is not unique . You are not alone . Others have walked before you , and others will walk behind you . Together , we will not forget the babies who left us way too soon .