Today 's lunch salad included green leaf lettuce , romaine lettuce , watercress , green olives , dates and strawberries . The watercress ruined my salad . It was horrible . I am glad I didn 't put a lot in . It was spicy , bitter , and made my left nostril whistle . Once I finish this bag of watercress , I will not be buying another one . I want to talk to my doctor about my concerns but she doesn 't speak good English at all . Sometimes I hate this city because of that . It 's like no one speaks any damn English and we are required to learn Spanish to get a job and function day to day around here . I may have to go back to my other specialist for a visit just to ask questions , but I don 't know if I can afford to sacrifice that $ 40 copay that day . I hate the fact that doctors always seem to be in a rush . I engulfed myself in my work today . I didn 't want to think about anything today . I didn 't want to worry about my condition today . I didn 't want to feel the heartache today . I didn 't want to worry about finances today . I just wanted to work . And to show my boss that I am not taking advantage of him . He has no idea that I am seriously emotionally disturbed . People " in my life " keep complaining about me not talking but guess what ? I am not ready . Simple . I can 't put anyone else 's feelings before my pain . I 'm not blaming anyone for anything but I am focusing on getting better at the moment and nothing else matters anymore . I can 't afford to let anyone else matter right now . I am not ready to open up . I am damaged . I am officially out of Chelation 1 , Banju , and Iron Plus tonic . I will be using olive leaf and oregano oil intermittently since I can not afford another package at the moment . I don 't want to use them too much though because I am trying to follow Dr . Sebi 's method as much as possible . I am scared . I do believe in Dr . Sebi . I do believe the ARV drugs weaken your immune system . However , I know I have to go fully natural before it 's too late because taking medicine for the rest of my life is unreasonable for my type of unstable life . What if I lose my job or no longer have medical insurance ? My medication costs $ 3 , 000 per month without coverage . And if I can 't afford it I will surely die because I allowed the ARV drugs to deplete my immune system . I am NOT okay ! And I am NOT comfortable with saying that . I don 't want to have to pretend . So , I continue to keep people at a distance who make me feel as if I should . I read that it takes 3 months to cure AIDS at the USHA village and a little longer if you do it yourself and follow the guide . So , I guess I have to be a little more patient and start over when I am consistently following the Nutritional Guide and have three months worth of D . Sebi 's package on hand . It seems almost impossible to afford that but I have conquered so much more in my lifetime so I won 't give up . My coworker bought me some crotchless lingerie . It was so nice . She told me to try it on and she came in the bathroom to see it . I grew up in a house with three older brothers . So I 'm not used to this whole girly B . S . of getting dressed in front of each other . Then she called my bestie to come see . They said I look like a model in it . I smiled and then took it off . The girl who bought it for me doesn 't know that I 'm not with Anthony anymore . Almost everyone at work knew that Anthony had a very hot sex life ( daily ) . But not anymore . I won 't be using that lingerie but it was beautiful nonetheless . I still can 't sleep at night . I go to sleep after 2 in the morning almost every night and have to be up by 6 : 30am . And sleep is very important in healing . That 's how I know the ARV drugs are not good for long term use . They keep me up . How can I get better like that without taking another drug and its side effects . I can 't do this for much longer . I ate a lot of soursop when I got off of work today . It was so delicious . And I saved the seeds to plant this weekend . Yes , I will be growing my own food soon . I saw Anthony today . I went somewhere on my break today and there he was in the flesh . Our eyes met for a moment and I immediately looked away . I felt weak . I felt as if my legs were about to give out beneath me . He spoke and I couldn 't find my voice . I just directed all my energy on moving one foot after the other to get back to my car . I could see him watching my walk away in my peripheral vision . He never turned away once . I 'm glad I was looking so good and not how I am actually feeling . I don 't want him to know the affect he 's actually had on my life . Damn . . . I got up for work and added the olive leaf and oregano oil extracts to my treatment this morning . For lunch , I had a salad that I prepared at home . I contained green leaf lettuce , romaine lettuce , green olives ( yum ) , chopped dates and strawberries . It was delicious ! I also snacked on a pear as well . This song always does something to me . I used to sing it when I was with Anthony all the time . But this time it had me pumped up in the gym . It served a different purpose . The purpose of release . I ran so hard on the treadmill that I broke out in tears and shouted . I am definitely pushing myself . I didn 't care if anyone heard me yell . I needed to release . And I kept on running . They turned back around and continued their own workouts . I felt great afterwards . After the gym , we went grocery shopping . I wanted to buy a fruit basket and pick up mostly green items and foods with iron and phosphates because that 's what cures AIDS . While I was in the store , I noticed a guy watching me every now and then but I didn 't pay it too much attention . I don 't have any enemies that I know of . When I got in my car and made it down the street , a white car was trying to catch up to me and was blowing its horn . I slowed down and let my window down . The passenger opened her door so I could see the driver . It was the guy from the store . He was smiling really hard . He seemed very happy to see me . Then he asked me where is Duke and are we still together ? I made a face because I didn 't know what he was talking about . Then he said , " my nephew , Duke . Are you and him still together ? How is he doing ? " That 's when I remembered that " Duke " is Anthony 's nick name and this was the uncle we went to see a few times together . Anthony was always bragging to him and telling him that I am his wife and I am his queen . Damn . So , I just said the first thing that came to mind because we were holding up traffic . " He 's gay ! " He stopped smiling immediately and said , " Oh . . . okay . " I put my window back up and drove off . My son took my hand into his and rubbed it . I looked at him and was overcome with sadness . Anthony 's family WAS my family . I wear my pain everywhere I go and in everything I do . That 's not something you can turn off . Some days I am better at hiding it than others . But for the most part , I just rather be alone with my pain where I don 't have to pretend . I have the right . It 's called defense . It prevents me from talking to people who may have the power or intentions to hurt me . I am hurting deeply . I am in excruciating pain on a daily basis . I am broken to the point that I am handicapped . My neighbor called me non - stop while I was at work today . I didn 't want to answer it but it began to annoy my bestie at work . She told me to just pick it up so he will stop calling . When I answered it sounded like he put me on speaker phone . He began calling me sweet names like boo , and poo - poo , sweetheart and all types of crap that I felt were out of line . I cut him off and asked him what he wants ? He said he was calling me all day to let me know that work was slow today so he took out my trash and put it near the street to be picked up in the morning . I said thank you but I could have done that myself . I said is that really what you were blowing up my phone all day at work to tell me . And he said yes . I was truly annoyed at this point . Then he hit me with the now I have to let him take me out to dinner or send him a picture of my " lovely " self . I reminded him that I am everything BUT lovely . Then he began giving me a million different reasons why he thinks I am beautiful . I cut the conversation short and told him I had to get back to work . I knew better than to answer his call . That 's why I didn 't want him to have my number in the first place . Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate . I woke up with the intention of taking my son to ride his dirt bike today but his best friend 's dad was blowing up my phone again . I hadn 't even woken up all the way because we were out so late last night at the beach . So , you know what I did . I ignored it . Until he sent the text messages . He said he and his wife was taking the kids to the Zoo and he really wanted my son to come along . I woke my son up to ask him and he said yes . But he really wasn 't ready to get up . His friend 's parents said to be ready in thirty minutes . So , I told Cuddle Bug to get dressed and he could sleep in the car on the way there . He did . By the time I looked out the window , they were in front of my house . I took my own car as always . Because when I get ready to leave I want to leave ! I don 't want anyone telling me they are not ready to go yet . No sir ! That won 't cut it for me . I hate to be out so I am usually the first one to want to go home . The boys had a pretty decent time at the park . The food was NOT tempting because it was so overpriced . I got a lot of cardio from all of the walking we were doing . Our favorite animal was the tiger because it gave us the most excitement to watch . His effortless roar shook the ground and didn 't seem real because it sounded as if there were hidden speakers somewhere and he barely opened his mouth . His friends left and we stayed behind to ride the camel . There was no way I was leaving that place without getting my son on a camel . That reminds me of Africa . I waited in line for an hour and ended up climbing the camel 's hump myself . I paid for a picture and was pleased . After our Zoo outing , Cuddle Bug was hungry again . So , I took him to a nearby restaurant . We were about an hour away from home and my phone was low on energy so I plugged it into the only outlet in the restaurant . It was all the way on the other side of the room and as you guys should know by now , I like to be isolated . I left it there and sat down with my son while he ate . A man came in and sat at a table near my phone . He was looking suspicious so my son and I watched him from across the room as we sipped our drinks and laughed about it . The man slyly looked around to see if anyone was watching . Then he made his move . He swiftly swiped my phone and put it in his pocket and took a quick drink from his cup . Then he tried to put the charger in there as well . That 's when I got up from my table and yelled across the room . " Put my shit back ! " It was no longer a laughing matter . I quickly walked over to where he was before he could even get my phone out of his pocket . I stood over him , threatening him with my finger in his face . I was already stressed I was looking for a fight and he gave me a reason . He began speaking in Spanish as if I wouldn 't understand . I understood every single word . He was saying that he thought the person had left . I told him that was bullshit because my son and I was watching him the entire time . Speaking of my son , at that moment , I looked over to see where my son was and he was still sitting at the table watching , laughing , and sipping his drink . Lol . He is too funny . I turned my attention back to the man and was tempted to hit him . I kept telling him off . One thing I don 't take to lightly is anyone stealing from me . I work too hard and came from nothing to have someone take from me . I poked him right between the eyes with my index fingernail because he wasn 't moving fast enough . I wanted to fight ! I told him he needs to get the hell out of that place and walk with his head down because he should be ashamed . He did just that . He put his head down and made his way to the door . But not before passing my son 't table . As he passed my son said , " Yeah ! Get outta here you schmuck ! " That was my face when I heard him say that ! Lol . Oh my Buddha ! I couldn 't stop laughing once I remembered where he got that word from . A few weeks ago , we were standing in the line at Dairy Queen ( ice cream shop ) next to three old men ( in their late 60 's or early 70 's ) who looked like brothers . One of them sneezed on the other and the guy tore him a new one . Called him a " filthy schmuck ! " Lol ! That made my day because you rarely hear people use that word . My friend texted me and asked me if he could come over but I denied him . I can 't deal with the excess drama of a deranged lunatic in my presence who needs more attention than I care to give at the moment . He 's already complaining that I don 't do all these random things . While I 'm just over here thinking that they sound like " girlfriend duties . " And the last time I checked , I was no one 's girlfriend and I plan on keeping it that way . Nope ! So he has to stay his ass home tonight . I stayed up a little late to check my Cuddle Bug 's Spring Break homework packet . I wanted to make sure everything was complete and correct before he turned it in tomorrow . He was half asleep while we looked it over but wasn 't too tire to tell me he appreciated me for doing so . He said if it wasn 't for me he would have gotten three wrong . He gave me a weak hug and kiss and went to bed . My direct deposit hit my account so the first thing I did this morning was get up and pay the bills . There was almost nothing left by the time it was over but at least the top priorities were taken care of . After the bills were paid , I took my son to get a haircut and I got my eyebrows arched . Every time my son gets this particular style refreshed , it forces me to realize how much he is growing up to be a handsome and loving young man . I love him . The friend who I let spend the night with me the other day has really been acting up lately . We got into a pretty heated argument via text because I doubt he would be brave enough to say the things he said over the phone or face to face . I 'm not trying to be funny , but I strongly believe that a lot of men of this generation has serious mental issues . Is it because of the food like Dr . Sebi says ? Or are they crack babies ? I don 't know but they are really running rampant . You have to pay close attention and do not dismiss your suspicions in order to catch it . I even believe that Anthony has mental issues . He is a crack baby or some sort of drug . Well , my friend was carrying on and talking about how he has problems and no one is there for him and all of this other garbage . I reminded him that he never disclosed what the issue was so I assumed it was nothing serious or he just wasn 't ready to talk . I still messaged him every few hours to check on him and told him if he needed anything to let me know . This bitch is crazy ! Yes , he is ! And I have to say it that way for you to get the picture . He has some deep - rooted issues of self - esteem and self - love that have absolutely nothing to do with me . He was a troubled team and now he 's a more disguised troubled adult . I mean , he is ugly , but that doesn 't matter to real people such as myself . Besides , I 'm not trying to be with him . But he 's the type of person who gets mad at everyone else because of the way he looks instead of embracing it and working on the thing he can control , his character . He blamed me for not being there for him and said I always put him down . He said that he always helps me and take the time to listen to my problems . Bullshit ! I had to let him know that he doesn 't even know my problems ! The only thing I ever told him was that I have trouble sleeping and I have nightmares . Now , if he thinks those are my problems he is a damn fool . And I never put him down . I always call him a king . When I asked him how I out him down he said that I told him he doesn 't love himself . Once again , that was bullshit . I told him , as I tell everyone , including myself , " you need to love yourself more . " I always preach self - love . That 's the key to everything . I even told him many times that everyday I work hard at loving myself more . If he loved himself more he wouldn 't be blaming outside sources for everything that goes wrong in his life . He said how do I know he wasn 't suicidal . I said I don 't know because you never expressed those things . I said my babysitting days are over . I 'm not begging anyone to tell me shit . I 'm not digging into anyone else 's problems if they don 't freely tell me because I am nose deep in my own . Yes , I am always willing and available to help . I am just no longer interested in digging to find out . So , I ended the conversation by telling him I love him but he needs to fuck off ! I didn 't respond any further . I have my own problems . So , after a day of throwing my hard earned money into the filthy paws of bill collectors I decided to do something I hadn 't done in a while . Walk on the beach with my cuddle bug . I took my meds and loaded up the car and headed to the beach around 8 : 00 pm . He brought his toy Swiss army knife and a book . I brought a huge quilt and a REAL knife just in case anything happened . We walked the shores for an hour or so as I watched my son run free . That is how I love to see him . In his natural state with no boundaries just exploring God 's land . That is why it is my dream to live in the woods or somewhere like Dr . Sebi . I want to be free with nature . You can keep the cars and fancy clothes . I don 't need it . I don 't want to work until I am of age to retire . I just want to be free and live off of my own land . After our walk , we found a large stack of beach chairs that the city ties down and night and are available for rental in the morning . Cuddle Bug and I climbed the stack and cuddled close under the blanket . I laid my head on his shoulder as he read his book to me and I drifted in and out of sleep . When I woke up , I took my phone out so we could watch " Jungle Book " on Netflix together . I used to read and watch Jungle Book as a child . The new version was pretty good also . RESEARCH I have come across a lot of information concerning whether or not HIV is related to AIDS . Or whether or not it is a scam , etc . as pointed out to me by one of my readers . So , I finally got around to looking into it . The link that got my attention the most was the link on Facebook that I am about to share below . It basically says HIV / AIDS is a hoax . Malnutrition and AntiRetroViral medications are what kill you . This caught my attention because I never started feeling badly until I began the medication . Also , the article states that the medication weakens your immune system by making your body dependent on the drugs instead of its own power . That also explains why they say you can NEVER stop taking the meds . That makes a lot of sense to me . So , I have decided to discontinue the meds after my next appointment because I don 't want my body to be dependent on anything outside of itself . This shit is so scary man . Words can 't begin to explain . . . There are several other sources to look into concerning this matter . As for me , at this very moment , I have made up my mind to quit while I am just in the beginning stages . I would really like to hear back from my readers who are currently on medication or have been on medication concerning this issue . What do you think after reading this ? Please advise . This article basically states that AIDS propagandists cannot tolerate anyone questioning their " scientific " theories . They 're not exactly scientific if they can 't stand up to a little questioning , are they ? It also talks about the fact that HIV testing is unreliable and gives out false results all the time . It emphasizes the fact that the Western Blot diagnostic test isn 't worth a fart . " I was a young woman with an evolved mind who was not afraid of her beauty or sexuality . For some people that 's uncomfortable . They didn 't understand how female and strong work together . Or young and wise . Or black and divine . " - Lauryn Hill I made my way to work this morning without taking my treatment . I 'm just not feeling it today . And plus , I have to make what I have left last . When I got to work , the place was almost empty . A lot of people took off for Good Friday . My boss told me I could leave whenever I want , but I ended up staying late so I could catch up on some work for him . I wanted to show him that I don 't take advantage of him and I usually come in late because I a m legitimately sick . But it never fails , as soon as I walked in the door Pam cornered me in her office , pretty much telling me that I need to stop talking to Phylicia . I 'd had enough at that point . Phylicia and my son has a great bond and I refuse to let anyone tell me who I shouldn 't talk to because if it comes down to it , they will be the one who gets cut off . At this point , I let her have it and showed her my other side . I told her how nasty and selfish she was and the fact that she was out of line for trying to tell me what to do . I reminded her that she has flaws too and that none of us are perfect . And when I was finish giving it to her , the last thing I had to say was , " so are we still cool or what ? " Then I walked out before she could answer . I have no time for meaningless B . S . I don 't operate in teams because I am an isolated type of person and no one will force me to choose . I cannot be recruited . I decided to back off from talking to my bedtime talker friend for a while . I can 't explain why . Something just told me to . I stopped responding to him around 5 pm yesterday and he hasn 't stopped blowing up my phone and my Messenger ever since . He 's crying and leaving messages saying that he 's hurting really deeply and stuff . I don 't understand why because we 've only been communicating for less than a week and I am NOT his girlfriend . We don 't even live in the same state . I 'm glad I backed off . This is definitely a red flag . I 'm not saying he 's crazy . I 'm just saying that it 's questionable . LET ' S TALK ABOUT IT Testing is not prevention . Testing is diagnostic . The proper use of condoms or abstinence is prevention . I am realizing that as long as that is taken care of , it doesn 't matter if you 're the biggest whore in the world , you will be safe . I always get tested often . Two and three times a year . In spite of my frequent testing , I still came back positive . The only thing testing did for me was allow me to pinpoint the person who infected me . And it 's so crazy because before Anthony , I was with a guy for four years and I NEVER allowed him to have unprotected sex with me . NEVER ! But with Anthony , I felt like he loved me more . He treated me so well and was very loving towards me to the point that I could feel it exuding from his being . So , I took a chance on him and boy was that ever the worst gamble of my life with my life . I have so much suppressed stress that any little thing can trigger it . I wish there was a fast forward button that I could use to speed up to my doctor 's appointment . The suspense and struggle is killing me . Things like isolation and finances when things , such as the car accident , occurs . Those are triggers that cause me to think about things like my father . And the way my siblings are always trying to round up money to take care of him and buy him glasses or medication . I just can 't do it . My father has so many children that they are in the double digits and he didn 't take care of one ! No , I take that back . He was there for two out of ten or more . But I can 't say whether or not her or his wife took care of them . But I think about how m brother spilled the beans about my condition and no one offered a helping hand . They just wrote me off as dead , faked a few emotions , and kept it moving . Do I hold it against them ? No . Not at all . Just don 't expect me to ever chip in on anything for our father . He 's super cool and everything but he never raised or taken care of me . Not even a dollar or an ice cream cone . I just have to start basing all of my decisions on myself from here on out because " myself " is all I really have . Today I don 't feel like doing anything . I just want to lay in my bed . Don 't feel like picking up my phone . So leave a message at the tone . This morning I had a reality check . I can 't afford this treatment . All jokes aside . That is the reality of the matter . I can 't afford it consistently . Consistency provides the best results . The fastest results . I have almost no money in my bank account and I am hungry . But today was my lucky day . They were serving food at work today . My co - worker called me while I was downtown to let me know that they were setting up for medical luncheon at the office with the company 's doctor . We would be able to eat a healthy lunch and ask the doctor whatever questions that we want . By the time I got back to the office the food was set up . There was a hefty portion of salad , pro - biotic grilled chicken breast , and fruit and yogurt parfaits . They also gave out vitamin water . I 'm not going to lie , I pigged out . I ate like there was no tomorrow . I ate three servings and packed two plates to take home to my son . Yes , I ate the chicken too because I was hungry and din 't know when my next meal was going to be . However , I did not drink the Vitamin Water because I am pretty much addicted to water at this point . Real spring water . I read the label of he ingredients on the bottle and it contained two forms of acid . During the lunch , I went to speak with the doctor to ask him about starch . He said our bodies need starch in moderation . I asked him how so when starch is not a food . It contains absolutely no nutritional value because it is i binder used in engineering . He was at a loss for words for a few moments . Then he hit me with some medical book mumbo jumbo . At that moment , I was turned off and went back to finish my meal . He knew he was wrong but doctors are trained to stick to the books no matter how foolish it sounds . Dr . Sebi it is . I will follow him . Every thing he says makes sense and he has absolutely no problem answering questions and giving examples . Mutiny on Board ! One thing I do NOT like is bullying and gossip . As soon as I sat down at the table to eat , my coworker jumps right into talking about my other co - worker . Let 's call the one at the table Pam . And the person she was talking about , we will call Phylicia . No one in the office likes Phylicia because she is extremely nosey and overbearing . She also comes off rude and disrespectful at times when she speaks . But overall , I believe she is a nice person who can 't really see that what she is doing is wrong . But she means well . What I didn 't like was the fact that Pam began to talk about her as soon as she walked out of the room . She told me that I should watch my back because Phylicia would stab me in it and she can 't be trusted . She went on and on about this lady and all I wanted to do was eat my lunch in peace . Pam is very needy for attention . She will talk for hours straight and only give you room to say mmm hmm in between one of her sentences . I don 't have a problem with either one of them because I always try to understand WHY people behave the way they do . Then I treat them based on their intentions and not their exact actions . Pam is needy because her husband doesn 't give her any attention at home . She is 35 years old . Phylicia is nosey and overbearing because she is 50 years old , her mom and dad spoiled her and showed her the ropes of how to be successful , and she lives at home all one now because her daughter is an adult and moved out . So who has the bigger problem ? In my eyes , Phylicia could use a friend more than Pam so I told her she needs to quit it . I told her I didn 't want to hear any of the nonsense because I am a grown woman at 29 years old and I can handle myself quite well . Regardless of her quirks , I CHOOSE to be Phylicia 's friend . So , I shut down that conversation . After work , I loaded my on 's dirt bike into the back of my car to take him to a big park to ride over some hills and through a few trails . I don 't have a bike so I would be on foot , getting some exercise . Unfortunately , on the way there , I was hit by a huge truck . It turned out to be one of my coworkers . I told you I work for the government . So , I didn 't want to get them in trouble . I met up with them after the accident at a building so they could look at the damage to my vehicle . As if my day couldn 't get any worst , the responding officer to the scene said she knew me from somewhere . I was already annoyed by her unprofessionalism and ghetto dialect so I tried to ignore her as I spoke to my coworker . But she was persistent . She kept talking to me loudly . So , I definitely ignored her . I don 't like loud talking . That 's when she dropped the bomb and my heart fell out of my ass . She said she was the officer who took my report when I came down to the station about my boyfriend . I gave her a cold stare . I just wanted to grab her by the throat and choke her out until her body was limp and lifeless . My eye began to twitch . She was the officer I spoke with when I filed a report against Anthony for knowingly infecting me with HIV . I swear this Police Department is so unprofessional . I was almost daring her to bring it up again in front of my coworkers . I would have killed her on the spot . I told them I didn 't want to make a report . The officer hung around a little longer because she was flirting with my coworker . She better not tell him shit . That 's all I know . My stomach did flips as I pulled off because I could almost hear her say , " Don 't tell her I told you this , but . . . " I was so sick and weak when I got home . It was probably from all of the chicken I ate earlier . I could barely move . My little lion cub had to take care of me and help me up off of the couch . Because I was so weak and drained my eyes kept closing and he thought I was dying . So every few minutes I would wake up to him administering CPR on me by doing chest compressions and giving breaths . I had him trained two years ago ( when he was six ) at the fire station . I tried to assure him that I was fine but he cried every time I closed my eyes . He said he didn 't want to lose me . Eventually , he got me up off of the couch and into my bed . He took me to the bathroom and cleaned me up as well . Yes , I was that weak . He turned on the air conditioner , which helped a great deal , and he prepared my herbs . He said Dr . Sebi would make me feel better . He did a pretty good job of prepping them . However , tonight was the first time I ever threw them up . I couldn 't hold them in and I threw up into the kitchen sink . Yuck ! I guess my body finally had enough of that thick , putrid liquid . But all I could see was my money going down the drain .