Today was good . I was told I could go to school again . I want to go to school again . I want to learn and read books . March 3 . It hurt to watch her cry . She convulsed . Her head shook up and down . I wanted to put my arms around her . She was hating me . Maybe , though she needed it . It was my fault . I didn 't know my words damaged her this badly . Now though , I could see what each of them had done . Her hair was down and I couldn 't see her face . I only saw tears dropping near her feet . Another me had raised my arms and put them around her shoulders . I fought the mind game I placed on myself . If she hates me , let her rot . Let her rot in Hell . My arms pulled her head to my chest . I could feel my heart beat . I hate my heart beating . ' I don 't know . I don 't want this . Listen , I love you . You don 't believe me , but , I do . I don 't want what I said . I 'm sorry . ' She didn 't push away . I pulled her closer . Maybe it wasn 't over . ' I just want to have you back . ' her throat full , ' You use to be so amazing . You were , incredible . ' she had huffed the words through . She stood . Not ripping from me , but leaving me . ' I don 't know how it can be again . ' tears streamed down her beautiful face , dripping from her chin . ' But I think it will be . ' It was snowing . The snow had started earlier than they said it would . I had asked my father about the storm and why it was different from other storms . Dad had said to mom that it might be a Blizzard . I didn 't know what Blizzard meant but I felt it . I felt it deep in my chest when Dad said it . I saw from our window sill that already the snow covered the roads and sidewalks . Tree branches were beginning to become white . The birds were chirping loudly . I watched as they seemingly bounced from branch to branch . I wondered if they knew about the Blizzard . Dad had told me it was going to be a Nor ' Easter . He said it was a true one . Not like the clippers that rush off the coastline quickly . He said a true Nor ' Easter doesn 't rush . It sits . It spins . He said it was even alive . I looked out the window at the darkening woods . The sun wasn 't yet down , but the woods didn 't care . They were preparing to become pitch black . I didn 't want to be in the woods . Normally I 'd be the first out the door and rushing to find an evergreen to climb under . Their branches were always soft and the bottom row would be connected to the ground . Snow would pin each branch and you could carve a hole through the snow and hide inside the bottom of the tree . If you did this without anyone seeing you , you could hide there all night and you wouldn 't be found . But not tonight . Not with the Blizzard being alive and the woods being alive and me right in the middle of both . ' A real Nor ' Easter will crawl up the coast . It 'll aim at all of us in New England . Pressure from the north , Canada , will blow toward the system crawling up the coast . The real ones will stop and spin when the pressure from the north hits it . Instead of rushing out to sea , the storm system will press slightly north west . The pressure from the North sits it down , right over us , and it 'll spin like a Hurricane . The longer it sits and spins , the more snow we 'll get . And sometimes the two hit so hard it 's as if their fighting and the wind will drive and the snow will drift and before you know it you can 't see more than a few feet and it 's not safe to be outside . Because you 're in a real Nor ' Easter . A Blizzard . ' I set my eyes on the tallest of pine trees that I could see from the window . The top of the tree was moving , but only barely . The winds were not yet fighting . Maybe there would be no Blizzard tonight . But if it was alive , when does it decide to turn itself into a Blizzard ? ' It 's too early to tell . We can watch it on the radar and if we see it turn inland a bit , we can watch out the window , or go outside and listen to the wind . We 'll be able to hear it churning and getting stronger . ' My heart dropped . I did not want to go outside and listen for anything to churn . Many inches were already on the ground . And yes , now I see some wind pushing the top of the pine tree . My father rested his hands behind his head . He smirked , took a pull from his beer and said , ' But it can . Did you know tornadoes suck dirt and grime and bacteria into its funnel cloud ? And you know bacteria is alive . Bacteria clings to mud and dirt and particles so small we can 't see them . Think about it . Snow is developed high in the sky . First as droplets of moisture . But , it 's not yet snow . It 's to light to fall . It needs something heavier to help it drop . Something like dust . Dust just floating around hoping to hitch a ride back down to earth . The moisture clings to the dust and they both start to fall , together . Eventually turning into a snow flake . You tell me that dust doesn 't have bacteria and you tell me that a storm isn 't alive . ' His father took another small pull and smiled wide . ' Don 't break yourself over this . It is just a storm . But every storm has a personality . You just watch . ' I held my questions . I needed to catch my thoughts and sit them down . I still didn 't understand what a Blizzard was , but now I knew what a Nor ' Easter is and thoughts of bashing winds , like that of a Hurricane , flicked through my mind . I had heard that a tornado sounded much like a train when approaching . Was that the voice of the tornado ? If it was , what would the voice of a Nor ' Easter turned Blizzard sound like ? Would it scream ? Could it speak ? What if I did go out into the woods tonight and let the Blizzard overtake me . Should I ? I felt the wrinkles in my forehead pressing together . My face was a twisted and confused face . I didn 't even know if it would be a Blizzard , though somehow I felt it couldn 't be anything else . An hour later everything changed . The wind was howling . Snow flew sideways and whipped by the window so quickly it was dizzying . My father had to go check on the roof of our garage and hadn 't come back yet . The woods were pitch black and no longer needed to prepare ; rather I 'm sure now the woods were completely alive and begging me to visit . Over a foot of snow had fallen and the storm was still new . I did everything to not listen for a voice in the howls , but it was too late . I told myself to not put my boots on . As I looked at my feet I saw my boots were laced . I asked myself to not put my coat , hat , or gloves on . I turned the door - nob with a gloved hand . It was cold . Very cold and the wind was so thick and crisp it rushed into my lungs without permission . Wind pressed me so hard I was doubled over while walking . I didn 't need to see where I was going . I knew the wood line even in the darkest of nights . Instead of asking why , I simply kept going . It was too late to ask and to early to reflect . I knew only one thing . The storm was alive and I wanted to know it well . ' Did you see that ? He 's on the back deck . He leaned over the railing and puked blood . It was all over his t - shirt too . ' Mona said . ' I 'm serious . ' ' All he does is sit inside . Each day . He does nothing . I don 't know what kind of man does that . Rachel says he stands in front of his windows early in the morning , naked with the lights on , hoping someone sees him . Fuck that guy . I hope he pukes blood . I hope he kills himself . ' Eric said . Pete leaned away from the window . He could hear a car coming . He lived on a dead end street . He was working with his shirt off . He was writing a marketing campaign and he 'd just finished the first draft . He liked to work near the window . When his eyes became irritated from the screen he 'd look from the screen to the woods and back again . Making his pupils adjust . Then he 'd blink rapidly . A neighbor once drove by and looked into the window of his office just as he stood from his desk . It was 5 am and dark outside . His office light had been on . Just as he stood , his neighbor , Rachel , drove by his office window . He wore only briefs . On that morning he couldn 't sleep . He 'd been up late testing a new product and wanted to finish the process . The car passing by was Joe . Joe wouldn 't care if his shirt was on or off . Joe knew he worked his ass off . Joe had once asked what he did for employment . He liked when someone asked . He felt to assume was a human condition making the race less intelligent on a daily schedule . When Joe had asked , he 'd taken his phone out of his pocket and showed him exactly what he did . ' You think of that shit ? ' asked Joe . ' Yup . I do . ' Joe drove through and gave a quick honk . He could see Joe 's hand waving over the roof of his car . It was late afternoon . There was a breeze that moved the leaves around nicely and there were huge puffy clouds to look at . He wanted to be outside . He wanted to celebrate his new client and to cheers the afternoon sun . Every day he promised himself to find something to celebrate . A new idea , a good conversation , a line from Hemingway that shredded his being to the core ; or for being alive and watching a cloud formation float overhead knowing it 'd never been seen before and will never be seen again . He tossed a white t - shirt on and walked to the kitchen to begin his transition from work , to life on the deck with a beer and a book . The beer was very dark . It was nearly thick . It was a strong porter . He poured the porter quickly into a frosted mug that had been in the freezer . The head was an inch thick . Watching the foam shrink and lower he poured the remaining beer from the bottle to his mug . The deck and the sun begged him to join them . Though of course wood and sunshine can 't speak , not normally . But they do , in fact , they do . Especially if you 're able to listen , he thought . He pulled the sliding glass door open and stepped onto the deck . The beer sloshed and foamed up . He had tripped slightly and now wore a bit of beer on his t - shirt . ' Adds to the moment ' , he thought . He took a pull of beer , which was mostly foam , and leaned over the deck railing to spit it out . He noticed Eric and Mona 's vehicle passing by . Mona 's eyes flashed in his direction . He wanted to wave , but they were gone too quickly . He hoped they 'd had a nice day . Snow began to fall . A pregnant thought came to me . Was I the one to speak it ? My mother was ragged . Her mouth was grim . She was an angry women . Her fingers were cracked and crooked . It was our fault . All of ours . We pushed her . Her dry knuckles bleed . We didn 't ask if she needed help . We watched her push and bleed . Her tongue flicked as she watched us leave the house and we 'd run as soon as we hit the last step . There was a constant wind blowing from the south . The wind drove itself into the mountain range on the opposite side of the lake . He had taken the canoe to the farthest southern corner of the lake . There , the canopy of evergreens block the wind . The water was smooth . The lake was nice and cool . The native trout were active . He watched them rise , leaving small rings . There was only the sound of the wind reaching , and swiveling away from the soft branches of the evergreens . Raising his arm , the fly line became active and arched beautifully through the air . He 'd seen a riser just ten yards in front of the canoe . He landed the fly just inside the outer portion of the ring . Immediately his line became taught , his rod bent in half . He could feel every movement the large trout made . It fought severely . The fly snapped back into the air , and flew toward the canoe . The fish was gone . He could still feel the vibrant activity in his hands , arms , and mostly his mind . He lay the rod down , letting the fly line drift on the water . He wanted to remember the feeling of the strike . And he wanted to remember the feeling of his failure . He reached into the inner pocket of his wool coat and found the half - smoked cigar . He liked that a cigar lit hard after having been smoked and let to die out . He needed to cover the cigar from the wind and point it down to warm it sufficiently before trying to smoke it . If the smoke from the cigar didn 't travel fully through , he 'd need to start over . After the third try his thumb would be slightly burned . If the wind was too heavy the cigar couldn 't be lit . He 'd be left with a smoldering cigar and burned thumb . But , if the cigar was lit , he would enjoy the feeling of the smoke . He 'd watch the swirls leave his mouth and range wildly around his face . No one arrangement of smoke was the same . Thinking about this made him ache with warmth . Oh - the day was nice . Nicer than most . And we kept driving and looking at the ocean as it appeared and disappears as it does . We were driving on Route One in Rhode Island . When the ocean was in view it was hard to breathe . The sun sparkled so violently it took your attention . Things would have been alright if the man hadn 't shouldered dad . Dad was fine until he wasn 't . And when he wasn 't , things were fine for no one . Dad had been in line , holding Mom 's hand . I saw it all happen . The man looked at mom . The way men look at women . Dad pretended to not see . But he did . Dad was looking up and away from the man . The man set his eyes level with Mom 's and smirked , thinking something . Then he shouldered dad . Clear as day . I tried watching , but mom held my head tucked in her arms . She even took hold of my nose . I couldn 't see anything and I couldn 't breathe through my nose . Snow was falling lightly . It was just after sunset and already dark . Nick watched as his shoes left snowy footprints on the brick walk - way . He looked skyward at the Christmas tree they had fastened into place two days prior . They placed the tree roughly fifteen feet before the large glass door entrance of the building . The tree was dressed nicely . Numerous Christmas colors were wrapped around , and around , the near thirty - foot evergreen . There , on the top of the tree , stood a Christmas star large enough to be seen from any angle . The star was lit white . The snow fell toward the star , disappeared in its light , and again you could see the snow falling a few feet below the star . People were rushing into the store . It was cold and not many stood to observe decorations on the tree . It was as though they had seen enough just to have been near it . They didn 't know the work it took to stand upright . Or how ropes were tightened so well that the tree couldn 't possibly fall . Even if wind rushed in during a New England blizzard and one of the many tie downs did break , the tree would still stand . That was alright though , to have them not notice . It was a Christmas tree among hundreds in town . Created to lure the shopper into the lights of the store and welcome them to spend what they could . Once inside the entrance one was thrust into a large , bright , room . So large that you could hardly see the end of it . Silver trays and cutlery shined vibrantly . Brilliant glass cases held exquisite items from all around the world . Attractive sales women wearing slim dresses greeted him , along with all others , with a smile . ' There 's a shipment out back . We tried to have them put the boxes inside for you , but they wouldn 't do it . It 's on the loading dock . ' He slid his time card into place and listened to the faint , yet punishing , blow the time keeper slammed into place . He was now working . His wool jacket was hung . He 'd put his dinner in the fridge . First he needed to get the boxes out of the snow , down the stairs into the stockroom , and checked in . After all boxes were accounted for properly , he 'd open each with his box cutter , and unwrap every item within the box onto his work tables . He 'd check for cracks and breaks of any kind . He 'd also check to be sure each box contained the amount of items the packing slip claimed they held . He was getting ahead of himself again . He first needed to walk through the showroom . Then he needed to enter the code on the stockroom door and move the boxes from the dock , downstairs , to the stockroom . In the showroom shoppers were talking with sales people while snow was still on the shoulders of their jackets . Some shoppers brushed the snow off and others left it because they did not notice the snow was there . As he walked quickly through the showroom many of the salespeople nodded hello to him without the customer realizing . He would either nod back , or do nothing . A face kept clean of emotion was the best face for him to wear . He noticed an older man viewing him as he walked . He looked away . The man now moved toward him thinking he was a salesperson . ' Can you give me the price of this globe ? There 's no sticker . ' It was a Josh Simpson globe . They came in many sizes . The old man held the largest size in his hand . The globe was very expensive and generally were locked in a glass showcase . He knew this globe was expensive because he put the price stickers on each item in the basement stockroom , where he had been headed . ' I 'm sorry . I don 't know the price . If you asked Jamie , over there , ' he pointed to a dark haired girl with blue eyes , ' She 'd be able to help you . ' Now both stood looking at one another . The old man wanted to know why this able young man couldn 't answer a simple question . The younger man wanted to know why he was ordered not to . The old man viewed the many details inside the globe and shook his head while letting go a whistle . The world within contained mountains with cliffs and rivers that emptied into an ocean . The tree tops were green with needles . The waves were white with wind . ' This globe holds an entire world within . I hold this globe wondering if our world is anything like the giant holding it now . And I wish badly it is not . I cannot understand how this happens . ' ' Nothing . I 'll walk to Jamie and giver her the globe . I 'll not buy it . ' And with a step the old man was headed toward Jamie . Jamie wore a wide smile and her eyes curved upward . The door to the loading dock was open and he could see the many boxes left for him . The boxes that were left outside on the dock were covered with snow . The temperature was much cooler on the dock and he liked it . The snow storm had increased its snowfall and the wind was picking up . He brushed snow off the tops of the boxes only to watch more snow quickly accumulate . Looking at the dark underbelly of the snow producing cloud simplified his mood . It didn 't matter if he didn 't understand the old man 's meaning . The glass globe with the artist 's creation inside wasn 't him and it wasn 't life so it did not matter . He lifted and carried each box to the conveyor belt , next to the stairwell , and watched them travel down toward his stockroom . His tie was wet with snow and beaten by the cardboard . He wanted to take it off , but he was told to never take his tie off . He need to look appropriate when walking through the show room . At the bottom of the stairs was a cement hallway leading to one door . The door was the entrance to the stockroom . The conveyor belt flattened at the bottom of the stairs and there was a ten foot section where boxes came to a stop and lined themselves . He walked to the stockroom door , unlocked it with his key , and came back out with a hand - truck . The boxes were not heavy . He loaded the hand - truck above his head and quickly had them all stacked near his work tables in his stockroom . The stockroom had a cement floor and cement walls . There were no windows . In the middle of the room were metal shelving units . There was a section for overstock , broken items , cancelled products and general tools that might be needed around the showroom . Generally each shelf was kept orderly . Unless he wasn 't there and a salesperson needed to find an item that was no longer on the showroom floor . If this were the case he 'd find products left on the floor and items placed on shelves that didn 't belong . His work tables were in front of the shelving units and a alley - way of sorts was created . He would work quickly and open each box , empty them and be done with his work as soon as possible . He clicked the switch of the small radio to on . Elvis was singing , ' I 'll be home for Christmas . ' He turned the radio off and held his breath . Images of her sleeping on his shoulder tore through his mind . His head shook as flashes of his fingers stroking her hair came to him . He always wondered if she knew that he stroked her hair when she slept . He wanted to ask her . He couldn 't now . It was done and too late . He paced the stockroom floor thinking of her face and how it looked when she was sad . That was the face he made her wear . He didn 't want to remember this . Maybe it wasn 't too late , he wondered . Maybe he could undue everything . Maybe the old man with the globe could explain what he 'd meant . He didn 't want to think of the old man either , but he was . The old man said something about wishing badly it was not . Did he mean that the world would be nothing like him and what he 'd done to it ? Is that how he felt now about her ? The stockroom door opened in a rush . ' Nick , we need you out at the Christmas tree right away , ' said Bill . Bill was wearing a suit and a long wool jacket . The jacket was black . Bill was one of the two owners of the silver smith company . The store with the large showroom upstairs was their creation to sell to the locals . ' There 's oil all over the walkway outside . It goes from the base of the tree to the entrance . Eric is standing near the oil asking people to not walk in it . Find something to clean it up and get up there . ' Bill looked upset and talked as though he were pushing his words . Bill turned and rushed back out the door . Nick walked to the back of the stockroom and grabbed a bundle of cloth rags . They weren 't perfect to soak oil , but they 'd do for now . He wondered how the tree had anything to do with oil . Holding his bundle of cloth rags he ran up the stairs and opened the door to the showroom . He made his way through the happy shoppers and then outside . The tree stood so beautifully that the men standing over the oil spill looked badly out of place . Both brother 's straddled the oil spill just feet from one another . They held their hands up and pleaded with customers to stay back and to not slip on the oil . They told anyone who 'd listen that the oil would be cleaned up shortly . The long wool jacket 's looked like crow 's wings while they opened and closed their arms to ward people away from the danger . Nick still didn 't understand how oil would come to be anywhere near the tree . But , certainly he did see a trail leading from the base of the tree all the way to the entrance of the showroom door . Both Bill and Eric seemed relieved to see him with his rags . Nick knelt down and touched the oil . He lifted his finger and smelled the oil . A few customers had stopped to watch . Nick walked to Bill and softly said , ' This is not oil . This is water . Someone must have watered the Christmas tree . ' Bill wore a face of pure happiness . ' That 's great ! ' Eric had listened and decided he 'd been straddling the mess long enough . He left them without a word and mingled with himself while walking through the showroom , no doubt to find his office . As Nick wiped away the spilled water he couldn 't help but chuckle . Both men were rich . Both men were educated . But neither were aware enough to bend down and touch or smell the oil . How does this happen , he thought . How can two men who seemingly have everything have so little sense . Immediately the old man 's face leapt into his mind . He knew what to do . It wasn 't too late . He would fix this . He looked at the star on top of the Christmas tree and let the snow land and melt on his face . He 'd never felt snow like this before and he 'd never know Christmas until now . The barn was dank . Inside the bull 's stall was worse . It was dark and he 'd left the lamp at the house . He couldn 't always see what he was digging his shovel into , but it didn 't matter it was all the same . His friends were in the ravine . He imagined Nick fishing in the large pool near the road and Pete walking barefoot further downstream . Pete wouldn 't be fishing , he 'd most likely look for bait and return what he scavenged to Nick . Nick would catch a few trout and gut them there on the road . Then he 'd wrap the trout in tin foil and put them in his pocket and head for home , or he 'd put them under a rock in the brook to stay cool . The bull 's waste smelled ripe . He didn 't mind the smell . He didn 't mind working the stall . He 'd do this for his grandfather every time it needed to be done . He only thought of the ravine because it was the first day of school break . He remember telling his grandfather he 'd clear the stall , but he wasn 't sure why he 'd selected the first day of break . He knew Nick and Pete would be waiting for him . He 'd forgotten to tell them he wouldn 't be there . It wasn 't a problem , other than that he 'd forgotten to tell them and that didn 't feel right to him . He should have told them . He dug his shovel deep into the manure and let it stand on his own . He walked out of the dark stall and into the open area where hay was stacked before being lifting into the loft . The sunlight , coming from the open barn door , looked as clean as anything he 'd seen . It cut through the shadows of the barn and brought with it a smell of fresh air . Outside , he squinted his eyes hard . He could hear the chickadees talking back and forth and crows cawing just as they took flight from a large oak . He noticed the wind playing with the leaves on the oak . The leaves were flipped over forcefully . Then all leaves on every tree were flipped and pushed in the same direction . The wind picked up dust from the corn field and come toward him . He looked from the leaves , to the corn field , back to the trees . Just behind the row of oak , maple , and pines was the entry to the ravine . The first clap of thunder was so loud he ducked and then squatted covering his head . The sky became black and purple . He wasn 't sure when it had happened , but it had and now it was . A strap of lightening struck the oak the crows had flown from . A large branch crashed its way down into the ravine . He crawled to the barn . Rain was mixed with hail and had beaten him in the few short feet he made his way through the field on his stomach back to the barn . He was drenched and covered in mud . He felt his body running into the barn but his mind wanted to know about Nick and Pet . He thought he had seen tops of trees flying through the air . He 'd never seen anything like that and he wasn 't sure . And now he hunkered in the same stall he 'd been working in . He 'd made a small indent in the manure which was not level with the rest of the floor and he felt safest there , with his face in bull waste . He felt the need to pull the manure over him like a blanket . His ears popped . He could feel the barn moaning . It creaked loudly and he heard what sounded like a portion of the barn roof ripping away . He covered his neck and breathed the moist air and tried to pin himself as deep as possible into his small sanctuary . What of Nick and Pete , he thought . The storm raged and they were in the ravine . He 'd seen the lightening hit the oak . And seen pieces of trees in the air . If he had told them he 'd be working in the stall they wouldn 't have gone to the ravine to wait for him today . They always meet on the first day and now this . He promised himself to never forget how he felt . To always remember . But , would they have still gone ? Maybe , he thought . None of that matters though , he told himself . Because now he 's stuck to the thought of it and that can 't go away , not matter what . He created this , the thought of it , the remembering and now he 's here in the stall waiting . ' I 'd never vote for him . No way . When it 's time to vote , I 'm voting whoever isn 't Trump . ' She said . Her friend sat next to her nodding her head . The two didn 't realize they were talking loudly . ' He is trash and whoever supports him is trash . I 'd slap anyone I met who supports that pig . And how could they even know how to treat a woman , the way Trump talks , that sexist dick . ' The small town Maine registry of motor vehicles waiting room was full . It was the first hot and humid day of the year on the East Coast . The townspeople were friendly but the mood was that of a somber thinking time . The only conversation taking place was between the two girls and anyone could listen . An older man sat close to the girls . He looked at his worn and beaten hands . The tips of his fingers were thick and cracked . He worked his dairy farm as hard as when he was a young man . Now though , they had the ice cream shop and he 'd just finished building the siting room . People in his town liked their ice cram and loved his wife . She was known all through out the region . He hadn 't known he was sexist . Or a pig . All he knew was that he loved his wife more than he loved himself and she was the reason he 'd never stop working . She gave him strength and understood things he couldn 't . ' I can 't wait to get to Canada . We 're going to be crazy . It 's like , going to be awesome . ' Her breasts shook . She was wearing her new tan . ' We 're going to drink tequila all night long and Katie is going and she 's crazy . She 's as crazy as me and I 'm the one that 's suppose to watch out for all of us . ' ' I 'm ready to drive there now , ' her friend said , ' and did I show you this text from this guy ? I like , didn 't know if he was into me , but listen to this . ' The girls shrieked after having read the text out loud while holding her cell phone up for everyone to see . ' Can you believe how stupid people are even considering that pig ? He shouldn 't be able to run , he 's not even smart . How could anyone vote for him ? What is this country turning into ? ' She held her arm outstretched and smiled wide while taking a picture . Her friend leaned in . A women sitting in back of them placed her book in front of her face . A voice through a speaker called for number 129 to please come up to window number two . The two girls walked together to the open window . ' Hi . Like , I have my motorcycle license in Florida and I was told I can just have you add it here . I don 't have paperwork . If you need paper work can you tell me what to fill out ? ' The old man no longer observed or listened . His mind was on the farm and his wife . He wanted to be sure to stop and buy flowers for her on the way home .