Cacophony ! Cacophony ! Reginald could not get his bearings . He was screaming at his family in the kitchen of his parents ' house , brandishing a knife and waving it at them , threatening to kill them . This had been going on for some time . He couldn 't explain it . He didn 't know why he was doing it . He just couldn 't control the anger . It surged through him like a current of electricity and he just exploded . One little spark and the whole powder keg went up . He really couldn 't control himself . " Yeah , dad ? " he screamed . " Well I 'll come to your fuckin ' nursing home and beat you to death with a baseball bat ! You 're gonna get old someday , and I 'll be fuckin ' waiting for you ! Who do you think is supposed to take care of you when you 're old ? First chance I get I 'm pullin ' the fuckin ' plug ! " His dad was screaming back at him , all red in the face , drops of sweat dripping down from his bald head . The redness of his dad 's face was even more sharply contrasted by the whiteness of his hair , or at least what was left of it . His dad 's hair was white primarily from raising Reginald . His dad was yelling from a recliner on the other end of the room , in the family room that adjoined the kitchen . There was no wall in between them . Reginald 's mom , his brother , and Elizabeth were trying to diffuse the situation . Reginald 's brother stepped in and said , " Hey , I 'm not going to sit around and listen to you threatening to kill the whole family . Put the knife down . " Reginald didn 't want to act like this . He was hurting inside , deeply hurting . He just didn 't know how to express himself when he got like this . It was like riding a rabid bull . There was almost no controlling it . " Yeah ? " he screamed at his brother . " Well , I 'll fuckin ' kill you too ! " He took the knife , and for a brief moment was actually going to kill his own brother , his best friend since he was a boy , only two years separating them , but at the last moment started stabbing the cutting board instead . The knife broke , and the impacts on the wood made his hand slip , causing him to cut his hand . Blood started coming from the wound in a steady flow . Reginald began cursing profusely . Elizabeth got a towel and started caring to Reginald . Reginald was silent , fuming . His jaw was clenched , eyes staring straight ahead . His hands were balled into fists , and he held a paper towel that was turning red with blood from the cut on his hand . After they had walked about a half a mile in silence he stopped and turned to her . " I don 't know what 's wrong , " he said , his breath labored , but returning back to normal . " I can 't control it . The other day I spent an hour in my room listening to Mozart really loud and cutting my legs with a Buck knife , then with my razor because my knife wasn 't sharp enough . Today I almost stabbed my brother . " Elizabeth reached out and pulled him into her arms , hugging him tightly . They stood for a couple minutes like that , and Reginald could feel himself relaxing in her embrace . " I love my brother , " he said . " People used to think we were twins . We went everywhere together . My mom even dressed us up in identical outfits for school picture day . " He stood back a little bit so that Elizabeth could see him better . His eyes had a hyaline transparency to them , and his gaze was far off . " I feel wrong about the way I treated him . I used to try to knife fight with him when he was only two years old , and I was four . I beat on him viciously until he took wrestling and was able to finally beat me up . I always wondered if he took wrestling so that he could . I want to tell him that I 'm sorry , but I just don 't know how . I want to tell my whole family that I 'm sorry . " Reginald let out an exasperated sigh , " But what if they don 't ? I haven 't exactly been the easiest to grow up around . All my relationships have fallen apart because of my mania . I don 't know how to explain to them that it 's the disease . " He hugged Elizabeth , and they stood there for a moment in silence . " I think you 're having a manic break because of the ecstasy you did with me at the festival . You should probably go to the hospital and get evaluated , " she said . This was Reginald 's worst fear . He had been evaluated before , but every time he minimized why he was there . He did not want to be kept overnight . He knew Elizabeth was right , but he didn 't care . He 'd made it twenty - four years without visiting a hospital , he was sure he could make it another twenty - four years without one . He told Elizabeth as much . She looked up at him as she held him a little tighter . " If you won 't do it for yourself , do it for your family . Do it , " she said , " for me . " He sighed , and the tension that was built up in him evaporated . There was no one else on Earth that could talk him down like this . No one . " C ' mon , " he said . " We 'd better get going if we 're going to make it to the hospital . " Somewhere in upstate New York , Reginald was sitting in a tent with Elizabeth and her brother Benedict at a small music festival . Outside the tent there could be heard a thundering bass line that emanated from a gaily painted school bus equipped with monstrous subwoofers . The merry pranksters were alive and well , it seemed . Reginald was concerned . He thought when we went on this trip that he was just going to be doing acid or mushrooms , or maybe even DMT if he was feeling adventurous , but his mental health professionals had strongly advised him against taking ecstasy . It would most likely cause a manic break , he 'd been told , and on top of that it could have a negative interaction with his medications and cause an uncontrollable fever that would kill him . He looked at the pills with hesitancy . " You 'll be fine , " Benedict said . " Hell , you 've shot it before . After that what harm do you think just taking it will do . Trust me . " Benedict knew about Reginald shooting it before because Benedict had supplied it and shot it with Reginald . Last time Benedict had crushed up twenty E pills in some cocaine and they had spent the rest of the night shooting it up . Reginald had crashed really hard that night and had ended up sobbing uncontrollably in the backseat of the van he 'd been driving , only to come back and shoot up more . Finally he had called Isis and told her what had happened . She had immediately broken up with him . It was curious now that his girlfriend Elizabeth was offering to do it with him . Hell , she 'd actually had a more extensive drug history than Reginald himself actually had . In a way this turned Reginald on . Drugs had always been a taboo topic , but he couldn 't stay away from them . At least once or twice a year he would lapse back into using hard drugs and marijuana was a pretty constant thing . He wanted to do the ecstasy , and consequences be damned . If he died , so be it . Reginald could feel a sinking feeling in his stomach . He felt this way every time he did hard drugs . He loved the way they made him feel , but the initial commitment was horrible . It was a very surreal feeling . He knew that he could die , but it didn 't seem to matter to him . He could hear every mental health professional he 'd ever seen telling him not to , but he ignored it . He wanted this . He knew , as was the case with every time before , that he would feel better once he 'd done it . He said to Benedict , " Fuck it , give me two . " Benedict turned around and searched through the duffel bag that was next to his air mattress . It was a considerable size tent , and the three of them very comfortably fit into it . After fumbling around for a moment or two he turned back to face them . Reginald didn 't know why he would listen to Benedict . Here Benedict sat wearing three day old cargo pants , a shirt that said " Lick This ! " with pictures of Girl Scouts on them , and a bandana wrapped around his head . He had gauges in his ears that were close to an inch , and looked like he hadn 't shaved in a week , bathed in about as long , and most likely hadn 't cut his hair for a year or more . From what Elizabeth had told him , Benedict had been diagnosed as a sociopath by two separate doctors , molested Elizabeth at an early age , and then laughed in her face when no one believed her . He also had a nasty habit of peeing in other people 's drinks . During one of his last relationships he had moved in with his now ex - girlfriend , and had taken to peeing in the fish tank , the food containers and about everything else in the house , as well as having anal sex with his ex - girlfriend 's fourteen year old sister and his ex - girlfriend in the same day . Elizabeth also had suspicions that he had slept with the mother , though she could not confirm this . Not only this , but Benedict was also the main ecstasy provider for the county that he lived in , and had in one year spent 80 , 000 dollars on drugs for personal consumption . Benedict had told Reginald himself that one of the drug dealers that he worked with would only take phone calls at a certain appointed time , and when he had walked into the dealer 's house on one occasion he had seen the walls covered with assault rifles and a couple kilos of heroin just sitting on the table . Benedict had spent some time running drugs for this man . Reginald broke out into hysterical laughing for a moment , and it was hard to tell if it was the ecstasy coming on , or if he was just particularly tickled by the idea of Benedict fucking a guy 's couch . He laughed until tears came from his eyes , and just when it seemed that he had a hold on it he burst out laughing all over again . " I fucked a guy 's couch … " he said . " Jeez . " Reginald wiped the tears from his eyes . He could feel the ecstasy coming on strong now . He was filled with euphoria . This was almost better than heroin , though he could be thinking that because he hadn 't done heroin in eight years and didn 't really remember it that well . He got up , and they all decided to go see what music was playing . Reginald was filled with love . He loved Benedict , and he loved everyone that he passed , but he loved Elizabeth most of all . They held hands as they walked . Elizabeth had done herself up real pretty . She was wearing a green and yellow tie die shirt , and had green mascara on . Reginald thought she was the most beautiful woman in the entire world , and he was elated that she was here with him . More than anything he wanted to have sex with her , but he knew that would come . They now had a very active sexual relationship , and it was something they both thoroughly enjoyed . The road down to the concert was unpaved , and there were many other fellow travelers along it . People were dressed in all sorts of unusual attire , and carried colorful lights and other marvelous things that caught Reginald 's attention . It was like he was a child all over again , and was wide eyed in the candy store , looking at an oversize lollipop . It was getting hard to walk , and Reginald was relieved when they finally got to the field . He could feel waves of unadulterated pleasure sweeping over him like a constant orgasm . So this is ecstasy , he thought , what the hell have I been doing with my life until now ? He quickly made up his mind that this was his favorite drug of all time , and he 'd tried pretty much every kind . Heroin was fun , but it made him doped out , and he had puked last time while at dinner with his grandma coming down from it . Coke was a blast , and it made him feel like god , but to be honest it was essentially simulated mania , and he felt pretty much the same when he was having an episode . The biggest difference was that mania was free , and lasted longer . Ecstasy just made him love more . That was the feeling he felt . He couldn 't understand why the government had made this illegal . He wasn 't dangerous while under the influence of this drug , but he might fuck everyone he sees . Man , woman , whatever , he didn 't care . Not only did everyone look better , but he was getting aroused just feeling Elizabeth running circles on his palm . When they came to the field the music was blaring . Reginald could barely stand . They all lay down in the grass , and tried to relax as much as possible . Elizabeth started tracing her fingers up Reginald 's arm , and then back down again . He had never felt sensations like this before ; it was like his entire body was the head of a gigantic penis . Every nerve was tingling , and his head lolled back and forth . The stage was moving down below them , and there was a teeming mass of people that looked like a roiling pot of water on the stove , fluctuating , vicissitudinal , one collection of flesh , and sweat , and pleasure . Reginald wanted to get down there and dance , but was unable to move . The most effort that he was able to expend was to half sit up , resting on his elbows next to Elizabeth , and look from the stage to the woods , to the stars . Benedict gave Elizabeth and Reginald their leave and went down to be closer to the stage . Reginald looked up at Elizabeth . She was so beautiful . More beautiful than anyone he had ever seen , and his relationship with her was so special . He loved her more than he had ever loved anyone before in his life . " I want to marry you , " he said . " Hell , if they had a priest here I 'd marry you right now . " United in this moment of extreme bliss and euphoria the two lovers lay next to each other , letting the waves of pleasure roll over them . There could be no love greater than theirs . They had loved each other since they were children . Their idea of love was defined by the other person . They were the physical embodiment of love to each other . Romeo and Juliet didn 't have shit on them . Romeo and Juliet was teenage infatuation . What Reginald and Elizabeth had was a mature , steadfast love that had lasted for three - quarters of their life already , and showed no signs of stopping . Reginald was overcome by it . Elizabeth agreed emphatically , and they slowly got up , though it was difficult . Reginald was stumbling the whole way back , and stopped to use one of the portable toilets . He was in there for some time , and when he came out Elizabeth said , " There were two toilets in there , and I don 't think you hit either one . I could hear you pissing on everything else though . " They had a separate , smaller tent than the one Benedict had , and it only had room for a queen size air mattress . Reginald started to get undressed , but was having some difficulty doing so . Elizabeth helped him , and then got undressed herself . The sensation of the cool night air on their exposed skin was delightful , and they were already quite aroused . Reginald kissed Elizabeth , deeply and passionately , and the sensation was incredible . It was electric as she caressed his skin , and he could never remember a time that he had been more in love . He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her . He always had . Ecstasy was only intensifying every feeling that he had ever felt for her , and he was overcome with emotion . They made love , discovering one another 's body in ways they never had before . He was elated just to be alive , and to be with her , here in the middle of nowhere , the music driving their passion as they embraced . He had given her the power . She knew now that he wanted her , and how badly . She knew now that he 'd wanted her for years , and that he 'd had this aching desire inside of him . Even though they had spoken of this desire on AOL Instant Messenger and she had expressed a mutual desire for him he felt like Prometheus chained to the rock , the vultures ready to pick out his innards . He was on his way to pick her up at a temporary shelter for people with mental disorders , and his thoughts were racing . Surely she must be playing a game with him . She could not really desire him . He had too many flaws to be loved . That was why everyone had rejected him before . His brief encounters with sex had been disastrous . His first kiss had been forced on him ( or more like he had been forced into it ) . Reginald had been with Elizabeth and her boyfriend Samuel at a party , and Reginald had been brought his girlfriend Dolores with him . All he had wanted was to be with Elizabeth and not Dolores , but probably sensing this , Samuel had pushed Reginald 's and Dolores ' heads together , uniting them their first kiss . Reginald felt like he was cheating on Elizabeth by being with his own girlfriend . He did not desire his girlfriend . He had only gone out with her because she had asked him to and he felt it was polite to say yes . He was envious of Samuel . He honestly couldn 't even remember some of his other girlfriend 's names . They had been inconsequential . There had been another , the first girl to take off her shirt for him , and they had taken turns scratching each other , and nibbling up and down their chests and necks , feeling the sharp teeth tug gently at the skin , the excitement coming from the sense that the other person could bite as hard as they wanted , but chose to be gentle instead . This girlfriend would later cheat on him , and they never got farther than foreplay . His extreme social anxiety made it impossible to interact with any of the girls he was interested in , especially Elizabeth . There had been other girls that had come along and asked him out , and during those times he went out with them out of what he felt as courtesy , knowing that he would want Elizabeth to do this to him if he had asked her . One girl had been especially forward with him , and had taken to grabbing at his crotch during class , and he had massaged her upper thigh , on the inside . A teacher noticed this and asked that they switch desks , which was difficult for Reginald because he was afraid that everyone would see that he was aroused , as it was plainly visible through his jeans . He and this girl had taken to making out in parking lots , and occasionally left hickeys on the other person 's neck , and as some of their classmates described it , sometimes it looked like a gorilla had punched them on either side . This had culminated in Reginald receiving oral sex from this girl in the parking lot of a Raymour and Flannigan 's , but she was unable to make him ejaculate . Reginald attributed this to her not being very good at it , and wanted to have sex with her when they got back to her house , but she had declined stating that she was afraid it would hurt due to his size . Reginald took this as a boldface lie , and felt that the reason she wouldn 't have sex with him had been because he couldn 't ejaculate for her . She had left , like all the rest , under vague circumstances , and with his feThen came Isis . Apart from Elizabeth , Isis was the first girl that Reginald felt strongly about . The only problem was that they lived on opposite ends of the country , and were too young and didn 't have enough expendable income to see each other . Their solution was phone sex , which they engaged in sometimes in excess of four times a night . Finally Isis saved up enough money to visit Reginald and they had two weeks of basically non - stop sex . Reginald lost his virginity to her , which his brother walked in on . Perhaps they shouldn 't have had sex on the couch downstairs , but after waiting six months they didn 't really care . They didn 't use protection most of the time , once again because they didn 't care . As before though , Reginald had difficulty ejaculating , and more often than not had to pull out and finish himself off on her . Isis claimed that she liked it when Reginald ejaculated on her breasts and stomach better anyway . This pattern continued for the duration of their relationship . They would have phone sex and send erotic pictures of themselves to each other while they were apart , and then have sex virtually non - stop while they were together . The periods where they were together got fewer and fewer . First it was six months , then a year , then the last was a year and a half . Overall they only spent six weeks together . During their last visit together Isis told Reginald that she wanted to wait for marriage . Reginald was furious . He felt betrayed , and that she was being hypocritical . He knew however , how to get her to have sex with him , and by the time they were in the hotel door , their clothes were off . She asked if they should go for condoms , but then decided against it . The rest of the visit turned into Isis trying to hold out , and Reginald finding ways to get her to have sex with him . One night he just suggested that they sleep naked together , but once she felt the warmth of his skin against hers , she was his . Once again , they didn 't use a condom . Shortly after he returned home they broke up , and shortly after that she informed him that she was pregnant . He reflected on the irony in this . His sexual career was only six weeks long , and now he was going to be a father . It was only during this last visit that he had been able to ejaculate while inside of Isis , and the only times that they hadn 't used a condom was perhaps twice the whole visit . So in two times of Reginald ejaculating inside a woman , he was a father . His joke to her about having assassin sperm no longer seemed funny . What followed after this was the most painful decision of his life . Briefly during his relationship with Isis he had learned that Elizabeth was single , and he had considered breaking up with Isis in favor of Elizabeth , but now he had a child with Isis . He decided to marry Isis . It seemed the appropriate thing to do . He had made his bed . He must lie in it . Isis , however , did not see it that way . She insisted that the child be given up for adoption . A bitter struggle ensued . Finally Reginald caved and signed the adoption papers . Having sex could have horrendously painful consequences . For a year Reginald was too depressed to consider another relationship . He contemplated suicide often . Elizabeth was with someone else now . There was nothing for him to stick around for . A chance encounter at a liquor store changed that . He hit on the cashier , and invited her to a party . She declined , but gave him her number instead , and suggested they meet up another time . That was the start of the most intense relationship Reginald had ever been in . It lasted a month . Heartbroken once again he vowed to give up on women entirely . He sought out a gay friend of his and exchanged oral sex with him on a few occasions . He attempted to have sex with him , but he could not get hard enough and the friend was too tight . He attributed this inability to his not really being attracted to his friend . Finally , Elizabeth showed up . She dropped back into his life , and he confessed his love to her . She had still been going out with her boyfriend at the time , but things were on the rocks , and they soon broke up . Elizabeth had had a history of being in long term relationships . Reginald had known most of Elizabeth 's boyfriends , as they had traveled in the same circle , but he had never really inquired as to her sex life . He assumed , sometime erroneously , that she had had sex with all her boyfriends , and a lot of it . He was not passing a judgment on her ; it was just what he would have done in the same circumstances . He knew that Elizabeth had had more sexual experience than him , but this was not a turn off for him , but it did intimidate him . Usually he wanted his women to be as virginal as possible , and was disgusted by the idea of a woman having multiple sexual partners . He was even further perturbed by the fact that a woman he was interested in might also have a sexual desire for other men . He held the belief that his women should be chaste , and that he should be the only man that they now desired , or had ever desired . This stemmed from an extreme inferiority complex , and especially if he knew that the woman he was with had been with a man whose penis size was greater than his , even by a slight margin . He was afraid that he would not be able to satisfy them , and that they would leave him because of his smaller size . He had this fear with Elizabeth , because he knew the size of one of her boyfriends ' penis . This was not unusual . Everyone in the school had heard stories . Apparently Elizabeth 's boyfriend had asked his dad one day what he should about preventing his penis from getting wet while going to the bathroom . His dad had been stumped , and asked what he was talking about . His son went on to say that whenever he sat down on the toilet his penis hung down into the water . This was a well known story in school . It was also well known that despite his size , he did not know what to do with the damn thing , and so aHe was nearing the shelter now , and was perhaps five minutes away , but still the thoughts were racing through his mind . He thought about his problem ejaculating . Would Elizabeth take offense to that , as some of his sexual partners had ? The overwhelming anxiety was too much for him . He would tell her that he would not have sex with her today . He reached the shelter and called her so that she would come outside . She told him she would be right out , so he left the car running and listened to music while he waited . Finally , after what seemed like forever , he saw her come out the front , walk up to his car and get inside . She smiled , and they drove back to his house , chatting intermittently about what her day had been like at space camp , which is what she called her day therapy outpatient program , so named because of all the people she deemed space cadets . He couldn 't get sex off his mind . She did indeed look beautiful today , and she was wearing a shirt that showed just enough cleavage to be tantalizing , her breasts straining against the fabric . He couldn 't take the tension . Once they arrived home he suggested they go across the street to his friend 's house so he wouldn 't have to be alone with her . Then he wouldn 't feel pressured into having sex . He cringed , but she didn 't notice . With all this anxiety he was having he couldn 't stand the thought of having sex with her . It wasn 't that he didn 't want to ( he did ) it was just that he was afraid that she would be disappointed in him and that their friendship would be too awkward after that and that he would lose her . That was something he couldn 't bear . They walked across the street and saw his friend Richard and some other kids he knew hanging out on the porch smoking marijuana . There was no reason for alarm . No policemen patrolled the area . They were quite safe . He called out to his friend , " What up , cocksucker ! " " You mean like this ? " Reginald asked , and started making a long , drawn out , masturbatory motion with his hand , though going dramatically slow , while staring his friend in the face . After a couple of up and down motions he reached out to his friend 's crotch area and started pretending to give him a hand job in the same motion , then pretended to touch the two imaginary penises together . Elizabeth seemed genuinely confused . Reginald turned to her and explained , " Oh , you don 't know The Whitest Kids You Know ? It 's one of the funniest shows on television . " His friend elaborated , " It 's called ' slow jerk ' . Basically , you know how when you think something is real boring you make a jerk off motion ? Well it 's like the same thing , only real slow . It makes it real creepy . And then , " his friend started laughing , " he pretends to finish all over his face . You have to see it . " They all laughed , and agreed that they should watch it , so they went inside and looked it up on youtube . One clip turned into a couple , and finally Reginald started feeling more comfortable . The presence of his friends eased the tension between him and Elizabeth . Suddenly Elizabeth took Reginald by the hand and tugged on it , and said " I think I left my purse in your car . Want to come with me to get it ? " Reginald looked at his friend , almost pleadingly . His friend sensed what was going on , but was going to be of no help . His friend said , " I guess I 'll see you in a bit then . We 'll be here . " What could he say ? It finally had come down to this . He couldn 't back out now . He nodded , and instead of walking to the car they made their way into his house , and up into his room , where they sat down on his bed . She remained about two feet away , while he faced her . He could feel his fingers trembling as they had on the couch before . She took his hands in hers to calm them , and moved closer . The room was dim , as the light was fading outside , and he went to switch on the light , but she stopped him and dragged her finger along his chin . He began feeling enormously aroused and uncomfortable at the same time . Would she judge him like all the rest ? He placed his hand on her shoulder and caressed her arm . She looked down at his hand , then back up at him and smiled , with all of her face . She leaned in and kissed him . The mixture of emotions was like an elixir to him , each separate emotion mixing together to make up what he felt . It was hard to pick out each individual emotion , just as it would be hard to pick out all twenty - three flavors in Dr . Pepper . Her lips were soft on his , and she kissed gently , and with reserve . It was not at all overpowering , and it was as if she sensed what would ease him into this . She reached down to lift up his shirt , but he stopped her hand and said , " I really couldn 't stand losing you after this . Why don 't we wait ? " He could feel his muscles tense , but he lifted his hand off of hers , and she undressed him , and then he did likewise to her . Finally naked together they pressed their bodies against one another 's . She was warm , and her skin was very soft to the touch , even more so than his hands , which had not seen a hard day 's work in their life . They had both revealed themselves to each other , and had equal knowledge and power . She said , " How do you want me , baby ? I 'll do anything . " He decided to counter her relinquishing of power to him by giving it right back . He lay down on the bed and said , " How about you get on top . " He did not want the power . He wanted her to enact her desire for him . She crawled on top of him , and guided himself into her . This was the moment of supreme bliss and unity , the closest that two people can get . It was the culmination of their love for each other , this physical bond . He ran his hand up her back and grabbed onto her shoulder , pulling her close to him . The pressure of her breasts against his chest aroused him further , and he could feel his love for her increasing . He had waited for this since he had first had thoughts of sex . His love for her predated sexual desire , so when he felt sexual desire his first thought was to connect it with his love for her . She was perfect in his eyes because from such an early age she had been the ideal concept of his love , and what he judged all others against . How could another woman replace her when she was the definition of the word to him ? This unity that he felt with her was intense , and as they made love he finally whispered in her ear , " I fucking love you . I really do . You mean the world to me , and I would do anything for you . " Usesometeeth ( 9 : 12PM ) : facebook sucks . i hate using it sometimes . it seems like before i get a chance to get my goddamn point across it craps out . i just wish it was more like aim . Yourmotherssexy ( 9 : 19PM ) : Actually , I was kind of thinking the same thing . By the way , you 're a shitty English Major . No capitals ? Usesometeeth ( 9 : 23PM ) : Yeah , I 'm lazy . It takes time to capitalize . At least I don 't use ' u ' for ' you ' and ' r ' for ' are ' . If u use them u r retarded . And probably sixteen . Anyway , I 'm just worried that we 'll have sex and then we won 't look at each other the same , you know ? Inside his parents ' house they talk sharing in each other 's heartbreaking sorrows . She is in pain , and they lay in each other 's arms while his parents sleep upstairs . He is embarrassed that his pain is so trivial , and he runs his fingers through her hair to soothe her , saying , " I wish I could do more to help . " In this moment he sees the line between them . He sees himself , his life of privilege , of ease , free from want and care , a roof over his head , a car at his disposal , college tuition paid in full , health insurance , good health , and all of that vastly different from her , marking her as different , and somehow more fully defining what he is . He rejects his life and feels shame that there is a great inequality between them , in the hands that life has dealt them , but he recognizes her as being equal before his eyes , if not his superior . If it were not for his parents he would be in the same place as her , and he knows it . He wishes that he could provide for her . She is homeless , and is moving from couch to couch , occasionally staying in a temporary housing facility for the mentally ill . He , on the other hand , is still living with his parents at twenty - four years old , with no job , and no way to move out . Her homelessness is not the product of laziness , or a lack of drive to work . In fact her doctor had given a note with six disabilities that claimed should prevent her from working for at least the next year . No longer able to live on her own she had gotten in touch with her mother 's side of the family after about a twenty year gap and they had offered to take her in , and then kicked her out on the street a short while after because she had pierced some underage girls ' ears at a family party . He had implored his parents to take her in , but they had turned a cold shoulder to her . It didn 't matter to them that he had known her for eighteen years . His parents had only been recently introduced , and despite trying to appeal to his mother 's Christian morality by pointing out that here was a very real instance of charity where she could exhibit her good will by taking in a homeless person , and not just a strange homeless person , but someone her son knew , his mother did not want the invasion of privacy , and let the situation drop , and so left her son 's friend a step away from the street . He would never be without a home . She looks up at him and sees the anxiety wracking his face , and says , " You really need to loosen up . C ' mon , stop worrying so much . If I can cope , you can cope . " The hurricane of his mind created a turbulent obstreperousness so loud that he had trouble hearing what she had said . He tried to quiet the beating in his chest , but she nestled against him and placed her ear against his heart , " There . You 're still living . I 'm still living . We 're here , and I 'm not going anywhere . You 're stuck with me . " The irony of the situation did not escape him . He was supposed to comfort her . He was supposed to be the rock , but he crumbled into so many pieces , a desert full of sand . He looked deep into her eyes and he could see them smiling back at him , happy in this moment after so many years of pain . What could this mean ? He had nothing to give her except his love , and love cannot buy you groceries , cannot pay your cell phone bill , and most certainly cannot pay for your medication . There was nothing , he felt , that he could do about her housing , but he knew that if he could trade places with her and take all of her pain , and all of her hardships , and all of her suffering on , even if it killed him he would do it in a heartbeat if it would remove it from her . He caressed her cheek , speaking softly , " You know that if I had to choose I 'd give all that I have to you . " She nodded , and their eyes met , locked in place . He felt impotent , emasculated . He could not provide for the girl he loved . He had four dollars and twenty - seven cents in his pocket , the rest of the money he had in the world . He was of no more use than a suckling babe . The bottom lock didn 't work , just the top deadbolt . Reginald pushed on the door and swung it open to let them both inside . The light over the kitchen sink was on , but the rest of the lights in the house had been shut off . He turned and looked at Elizabeth briefly before they stepped inside . His parents ' house was dim and he guided her over to where the couch was in the living room . They had been here before . He said , " My parents must be sleeping . Wanna sit ? " They sat tentatively on either end of the couch , and his mind was racing , his heart pounding . Having Social Anxiety Disorder is not great when you 're trying to be smooth and suave with girls . He could feel his fingers shaking , as they always did because of the medication , but even more so now because of how nervous he was . So dreadfully nervous . What if she rejects him ? He had known her for eighteen years . They had met in the first grade . There had always been a mutual connection between them , but even now he felt that grinding in his insides as he tried to talk to her . What if , after being friends with him for three - quarters of his life , she rejects his advance to move this beyond being close friends , and tells him she just wants to remain the way they are ? Or worse , what if she thinks it is now too awkward and doesn 't want to see him ever again ? Each phrase was like climbing Mount Everest . He struggled , he labored , and finally as he reached the top he manages to squeak out , " How about you sit next to me ? " She nodded , and moved closer to him on the couch . He was shaking . He was trying desperately hard not to let her notice , but he must have looked like he had palsy . Where was the fifties man of steel who would come in and say in a voice of velvet that he loved her and would do anything for her ? Instead he just mentioned , " You want to see if there 's anything good on television ? " He motioned towards the television and went to grab the remote , anything to distract himself from having to make small talk . The dreaded bane of his existence , small talk . There was a tension in the air and he could feel it , as palpable as moving through water . Something felt different . He glanced into her eyes , but couldn 't hold it . Her gaze was penetrating . She was one of the strongest people he had ever known . All that life had given her she had borne like a saint . He idolized her . He could still remember that day back in sixth grade that she had told him that she would go out with him if he asked her to , but still there was too much doubt in his mind . He was a coward . She was so strong , and he was so weak . He could see that . Her strength made his weakness even more apparent in his eyes . His mind kept racing . He felt like he was sitting in the electric chair , his body buzzing with thousands of volts . He felt uncomfortable with her body this close to his even though it was what he wanted more than anything in the world . He suddenly felt the strong desire to get up . " Talking 's fine . I 'll get the lights so we can see each other . " She put her hand on his thigh as he went to get up . Surely she must feel his shaking . He wondered if she had meant to grab that close to his crotch . " Actually it 's kind of nice without all the lights on . Just sit . " They paused , with him half standing , and her hand resting on his upper thing . The air was still , and the only sound was their breath . She said , finally , " Isn 't it great how silent the country gets ? " He sat back down and tried to relax . It frustrated him that he couldn 't read people . Even now with her sitting beside him he couldn 't tell if that was a look of boredom on her face , or if she was just content with being out here . He was glad that she was making the small talk though . He said , " Yeah , it really is nice . It lets you think . " He smiled at her . " You know , I 'm so glad that we got back in touch . " She looked up at him and smiled back , and even he could tell from her eyes that it was genuine . They had spent some years apart , it was true , but whenever they got back together it felt as if they had never been apart . It was if they had always been there all along . She said , " Well I 'm sure glad you called me . These years have been rough , but it 's been a bit easier knowing I have friends like you out there . I love hearing from you . " He couldn 't help but smile . He knew she meant it , and the connection that he had with her was one of the things he cherished most in this world , and it certainly brought him the greatest happiness . She was right , though , about how the years had fared for them . Just this past February she had tried to kill herself because the nerve pain she was experiencing was so bad that it felt like a hot iron was being pressed on her arm . The pain was constant , and after many trips to the doctor and no real help being given , she had decided to kill herself . He himself sympathized with her , though he could not compare to her suffering . His pain was only emotional , though in its own way extreme . They both had Bipolar disorder , though she was type II and he was type I . The difference between the two is that in type II you are more prone to be depressed , and in type I you are more prone to mania . This similar experience of life had given them much in common , and much to talk about . He understood why she would want to kill herself because he knew the disappointment he had felt when he had survived a snowboarding accident . He knew that living with pain , real or emotional , year after year , with the prognosis that you will have to for the rest of your life , can be very depressing . His reasoning for wanting to die was far less severe than hers . She was in constant pain , and sometimes the suffering was too much for her . For him it was more like he was bored with life or that he was tired after a long day . Recently he had become depressed because he had lost his faith in god . What was the point to living if there literally was no point to life ? How could he keep on going when all science had told him was that life was just a spontaneous growth on a rock that happened to be the right distance from a star , and that we had grown like only so much mold ? However it was their close encounter with death that proved , in fact , the catalyst needed for him to make up his mind to ask for more than friendship . He had come to realize that the most iShe looked inquisitive now , and it only heightened his anxiety . He couldn 't think of how to approach the subject . His thoughts were all jumbled , like a puzzle still in the box . He knew what the picture was , but he just couldn 't seem to put it together . Finally , he said , " It 's really hard for me to say what I 'm trying to say . I know we 've always been open and honest with each other , but in one particular way I haven 't . I just can never tell a girl I love her ! " He paused . That last part had just seemed to slip out . It was starting to come out in the open . Finally he blurted out , " I just wish I could hold you , now , as more than a close friend . In all the years we 've been friends I 've only ever given you a polite hug . I give my mother the same hug , and nobody is telling me I 'm too friendly with my mother . " He wanted to kiss her , she looked so pretty in the dim light coming from the kitchen giving a soft glow to her skin and glinting off her eyes , her lips looking so soft , glistening , but cowardice checked him and he glanced away . She turned his head back towards hers and looked him in the eyes , leaving her fingers trailing on his chin . " So hold me . " He wrapped his arms around her and she leaned into him , nuzzling up against his chest . He rested his head on top of hers and tried not to breathe too heavily , for fear of seeming weird . Her hair smelled faintly of lavender , with a hint of chamomile , and the scent relaxed him . He could feel the warmth of their bodies together , and he recognized this as the happiest he had ever been in his life . He whispered softly , " I want to do everything I can for you . I know you 've got a lot on your plate , but I want to help you . I 'm graduating college soon , and hopefully I 'll get a good job if the economy holds out a bit . I know it looks like shit right now but I want to support you , to provide for you , and to be able to give you the things you need like doctors and good healthcare . Just ask me for anything you want , and you know I 'll do my best to do it for you . " He held her and for once things seemed to be coming together for him . Could it be that after all this time , after almost two decades of waiting , that she returned his feelings ? It seemed too good to be true . He caressed her cheek , his fingers trembling slightly , and spoke , " I love you . I always have , and I always will . " Reginald was not important . He was just another tool , a means to an end , but not the end itself . Elizabeth was the end towards which everything seemed to be working , but she was not the answer . There is a deeper answer only to be discovered by looking into the mirror and seeing what is there . When we look in the mirror as infants we do not recognize ourselves , and so Reginald in his infancy does not recognize what he is . He does not recognize that he is just a tool . He probably thinks this story is all about him , but hopefully he will die long before the story is over . This is a book , that I am offering for free for the time being . It is subject to changes , and revisions . I guess that will be part of the fun . If you want to read this in chronological order , you 're going to have to go back to the beginning . Seems pretty simple . It follows a story line . The title of the book is called " Mimesis , " and is currently still in progress . I am offering it for free online because I 'm . . . Continue reading → Archives