So , today is a new day . Yesterday , not so great . I went to a dark place and had a hard time coming out of it . I cannot and will not let this get me down . So , for today , I will be in a better place . I have to . I had posted a while ago about having a Home Health Nurse come in . After doing the paperwork , I was told it could take as long as 2 months , or , as short as 3 weeks . Being that we are moving in 2 months , I have decided to not have a nurse come in until we get settled up in Colorado . I don 't want husband to be any more confused than he already is . So it 'll be put on the back burner until late summer . For the time being , I can handle husband . He relies on me for everything . He doesn 't like the idea of a nurse , but , I have told him that this way , I would be able to get out and run errands , grocery shop and he seemed to understand that . Of course , he told me that he could just go with me , running errands and grocery shopping . Uh , no , he can 't . My rules , remember ? Here , at my apartment complex , you are required to give a 60 days notice if you don 't plan on renewing your lease . I was given a lease renewal last week . They offered me a 12 month lease price , a 15 month lease price or , if I choose to go month to month , the price is outrageous . It is , in fact , $ 300 more per month if I go month to month . When I read that , I almost fell off my chair . $ 300 more ? And , if I choose to move at the end of my lease , I will have to pay that outrageous price , prorated , of course , for the 10 days I plan on staying here in August . With paying for the new apartment up in the Springs , renting a truck , gas , plus a deposit , why , I will just not have enough . Outrageous , I 'll tell you . When I put him to bed last night , I told him there would be no getting out of bed in the middle of the night . I jokingly , ( OK , not jokingly , but , he doesn 't know that ) told him that if he got out of bed and wandered the apartment , he would be in big trouble with me in the morning . He slept all night . Yay . When I got up this morning , he was awake and said , " Well , I was good and didn 't get up . " We had a laugh about that . I told him he was a good boy for not only staying in bed , but , for remembering to stay in bed . He seemed to get a kick out of that one . So , we woke up off to a good start today . I really , really like waking up to a good start . It all seemed almost normal this morning . I like that word . Normal . And the dog days of summer begin . Even if it 's not summer yet , I feel it . I am tired today . I am frustrated today . Husband was not great yesterday , but , not good either . He got me up 2 times in the night . The 1st time , there he was , trying to pull the covers off the bed again . I was having none of it . I told him sternly , " Do not do this again . " Got him settled in bed . Fell instantly back to sleep , only to be jarred awake 1 1 / 2 hours later with him turning on the bedroom light , waking me instantly and practically blinding me . This time , I was not so nice . I told him if he did this again , I was going to be very angry . That , somehow , always seems to work . He looked up at me and said , " Why are you so mad ? " I told him again , " I mean it . Do not do this again . Night time is for sleeping , and you will go back to sleep . Do you hear me ? " I know he can 't help it , but , I have to take control when needed . I have to put my foot down . These sleepless nights are draining me . I actually hate it when the sun goes down nowadays . I know he suffers from Sundowners , ( don 't need a diagnosis for that , it 's obvious ) and it can be daunting , but , somehow , someway , I have to get through to him that there is nothing to be afraid of , and night time is for sleeping . Period . I hate being this way . I hate waking up in the morning feeling angry and frustrated . Almost to the point of resenting husband . He 's sick and dying , and here I am saying " Or poor me " . Hate is a strong word . Lately , that 's all I 've been feeling . Hating everything around me . Hating this city , hating my life , hating the days , hating the nights and hating my apartment . No , it 's not a good morning for me . I can 't show my frustration in front of husband . I 've got to dig deep today . Find a smile as I bathe him . Find a smile as I dress him . I think I can do it . I 'm a really good actress . I can honestly say , yesterday was such a good day . Almost like old times . Oh , such fun we had . Each kid brought food . Patrick did all the BBQ ' ing . I made potato salad and stuffed eggs . We had BBQ 'd chicken , cheeseburgers and hot dogs . Food was good , company even better . Brittney , Jack 's girlfriend , came as well . A soon as she got here , she told me Jack wanted her to set up a Skype account for me , so I could see him on the computer . When she was done , she got him on Skype and what a great thing for me . He got to talk to everyone and then it was Mom 's turn . We had a good conversation . He showed me his room , showed me his view outside his room . Germany is really pretty . Now , all I have to do is Skype him and it 's like having him here . I couldn 't thank Brittney enough . She 's a sweet girl . Husband was good yesterday . I don 't think he hallucinated once . He was confused most of the time , smiling , but , oblivious to everything and everyone around him . I would look at his face and know that he was just lost in his world , but , no hallucinations were present . At least , for one day , I got a break . Him as well . Before I went to bed , I asked God to let him sleep all night . I sure could use a good night 's sleep . God answered my prayer , as he slept all night , with only one exception . He did wake up and was trying to get out of bed . I talked him out of it and he did lay back down and went back to sleep . Oh , glorious sleep ! I had a dream last night . In this dream , husband was well . We were waking and talking , holding hands . He was exactly like he used to be , before he got sick . I would look up at him and we would kiss , saying we loved one another . I remember in this dream it was very sunny and bright outside . I remember feeling so good inside . When I woke up , it was dark outside and I turned over in bed and there was my reality . Husband , sleeping fitfully , jerking and moaning . Today , as the rough moments come , I will think of my dream . I will remember what it was like . Before Alzheimer 's . Before all of this . Yes , it was good . Before . The kids have decided to BBQ at our apartment today . Our grounds are so nice , with grass , trees , the duck pond with the water fountain and BBQ pits throughout the complex . I am looking forward to it . Been awhile since we have all gotten together . Too bad the pool isn 't open , or the hot tub . Had some interesting moments with husband yesterday . I was tired , so , I made him lie down so I could take a nap . Just as I was dozing off , he suddenly sat up and yelled my name out . Then , he proceeded to tell me that it was unfair that " they " were making him buy tires when he wasn 't allowed to drive . Why should he have to go measure the tires , it wasn 't fair , he kept saying . Keeping my cool , as he was pretty upset , I gently told him that we were home , he was having a bad dream . When he hallucinates , I always tell him it was a bad dream . Most of the time , during the hallucinations , it will calm him down if he is angry . It took me awhile , about 1 1 / 2 hours , but , he finally came out of it . Around 7 PM , he wanted to fill his water bottles . I have two water bottles for him . They are the Brita bottles , with the filter inside . He filled them , put them on his night stand and kept staring at them . Picked them back up and emptied the water out , only to fill them up again . What a mess he made in the bathroom ! I told him that was enough , no more . He said I was being mean to him . Around 1 : 45 AM , I woke up , jarred out of a deep sleep . There was husband , pulling the sheets and comforter off of the bed . He gave me no reason why he was doing that . In husband 's case , there is no rhyme or reason for his actions . I got him settled back into bed where he kept arguing with me that I was making him go to bed when he was right in the middle of eating . I told him it was the middle of the night , he was not eating , now , it was time for sleeping . Once I got him covered up , ( re - making the bed . Snarl ) , he said , " OK , if I go to sleep , can I go home , please ? " Again , I assured him he was home . He was having none of that . Yes , I am looking forward to our BBQ today . I 'll get to hang with my kids , they will take turns with husband , helping him , maybe even taking him for rides around the complex . They are so patient and kind when it comes to daddy . And me ? I 'll sit back and watch them interact with daddy . I 'll take a picture of it in my mind and save it for when he is gone . All the smiling faces of my kids . So happy to be with him . Yes , it 's going to be a good day . But , I was thinking about when husband is gone , do I close this blog , or , keep it up in hopes that someone , somewhere out there may stumble upon this and see what survivors do after their loved one has passed ? To read of my journey and compare it to theirs ? Or , if they too are suspicious of strange behavior , ( in the beginning ) and wonder if their loved one has been affected by this horrible disease ? Have they ever even heard of Early Onset Alzheimer 's Disease ? Is it possible for someone in the prime of their life to be struck down like husband has been ? Oh , yes , my friend , it is possible . I 'm living proof of that . I started my book way back in late summer , last year . I haven 't been able to get back to it . Then I started thinking , maybe , just maybe , I could publish this blog ? Maybe someone , wandering through a bookstore would find this published blog , glance through it , buy it , and maybe get some answers from it ? Maybe this person has questions as to why their loved one is acting strange , subtle at first , but , strange all the same . Could it be that this person thinks they are losing it , or , imagining this strange behavior ? Oh , what a road I 've traveled . Oh , what a road I 'm still traveling . We can go from 0 to 60 in 2 . 2 seconds . When looking at husband , I see how much his facial features have changed . He just doesn 't look the same . Last night , my wonderful neighbor invited me outside to have a glass of wine with her . I don 't drink , but , oh that was good . It relaxed me . Felt a little happy inside too . Saw husband wandering the living room . I had put him to bed earlier . I went in and asked him if he was OK . He was hallucinating , saying he couldn 't get to the bedroom . I got his walker , and took him to the bedroom and our bed . He said that our bed didn 't look like our bed . I assured him it was . I got him to sit on the side of the bed , all the while talking to him softly , calling him " sweetheart " . Once he sat on the bed , still unsure if this was really his bed , he looked up at me and said , " Will you help me ? " I gently coaxed him to lie down and lifted his legs up on the bed . Got him settled , and went back outside to finish my glass of wine . When I sat down , my neighbor started to cry and said , " Oh , Sue . That was so beautiful the way you handled him . He was hallucinating , wasn 't he ? " Yes , my dear , he was hallucinating . A little bit of a rough night around 2 : 30 AM . So , you see , when husband is gone , I think I may keep up this blog . There 's someone out there who needs me ! ! 5 : 30 this morning , sound asleep . Suddenly , I hear the beep and click of husband 's scooter chair in the living room . I turned over , saw husband was not in bed . Throwing the covers off , I run into the living room to find husband riding his scooter chair . Asking him what he is doing , he looks up at me , not recognizing me and says , " I have to go home . " I get him out of the scooter chair and guide him back to bed . He says he has to go to the bathroom . As he is in the bathroom , I go to his side of the bed to straighten the covers . I wanted to get him back to bed , to sleep . I wanted to go back to sleep as well . Pulling the covers , I felt something wet . Soaking wet . Felt the sheets . Soaking wet . The mattress cover and mattress . Soaking wet . I said a bad word under my breath . Got my side of the bed ready for him . I told him he would have to lie on my side of the bed because he had wet his side . He said he was sorry , I told him not to worry about it . He is now sound asleep and here I am , awake . I 've just about finished my espresso . Or , my first one of the day . Good morning everyone . Before maintenance came yesterday morning , husband told me to remind them that they needed to fix the walls . He said the walls move and he wants them fixed . I said I would . Better to agree . I had husband outside when maintenance drove up in the golf cart . Thinking he had forgotten about the " moving walls " , I was leading him into the apartment when husband stopped him and said , in a very sluggish and slurred speech , " Don 't forget to put new drywall in there . " Maintenance man , being maintenance man , said , " Huh ? " I took ( pulled ? ) said maintenance man just inside the apartment and said , " Look , my husband is very sick . He has Alzheimer 's and is in the late stage . He thinks the walls are moving as he hallucinates quite often . Can you please just humor him ? " While he was here , he asked me about husband . He said , " I thought you only got Alzheimer 's when you were old . " I gave him about a 3 minute run down on his type of Alzheimer 's . Maintenance man was genuinely affected by husband . As he walked out , he went to husband , still sitting on the porch . He bent down and said , " Sir , I 've fixed your walls . You shouldn 't have any more problems . If you do , call me . " He looked up at me , smiled and winked . I winked back . Insert a slight chuckle on both our parts . The rest of the day , we relaxed . He would say odd things here and there , but , for the most part , he would be locked in his own world . And that 's just what it is now . Locked into the unknown world of Alzheimer 's . I don 't know where he goes , but , I 'd like to think it 's a special place . I have to think that . Could it be that he is seeing the " other side ? " Getting glimpses now and then ? When he says he " wants to go home , " is it Home , as in Heaven ? I don 't want him to suffer anymore . When I think of him being gone , my knees get weak . Oh , I don 't want him to die . He 's my husband . We had plans , him and I . Ah , life . Or lack thereof . Husband 's birthday was , in a nutshell , not pleasant . He woke up lost in his own world . It was all downhill from there . It all started when he got up from bed and I went in to sing him HAPPY BIRTHDAY . Once I got a closer look , I could see he was not right . As I sang to him , he stared straight ahead , not even realizing I was singing to him . He began to search for his wallet . It was not on his nightstand and so , the search for the wallet began . It started around 8 AM . By 2 : 30 PM I was completely nuts . He kept insisting that someone had broken into our apartment and took his wallet . Knowing this pattern of behavior , I knew he had hid it and couldn 't remember where . Of course , I searched the bedroom over and over . I even checked the clothes hamper . I searched the linen closet . I checked the drawers in the bathroom . I looked in the bathroom wastebasket . The trashcan in the kitchen . By afternoon , I was spent . I went outside and asked God to help me find his wallet . 10 minutes later , the wallet was found . In between the mattress of our bed . I had checked there before , but , didn 't go deep enough . Husband showed no emotion once the wallet was found . During the big search , calls were coming in , wishing him happy birthday . Also in between , I somehow managed to make him a birthday cake . Not carrot cake this time . He wanted German chocolate . After dinner and dishes , I went outside to get some fresh air and try to relax some . Husband called me in and said someone had taken his wallet again . He did it again ! I was on the verge of tears out of frustration . It took about 30 minutes and we found t . I then became very stern wit him and told him if he hid that wallet again I was going to be very angry with him . " The wallet stays right here . Do you understand me ? If you don 't behave , I will be very angry with you . You need to behave ! ! " I just couldn 't help it . I had had it . That seemed to do the trick , but , he wanted to know why I was so upset with him , he didn 't do anything . Husband woke up early today . One look at him told me he was not there . As I sat down to blog about his birthday , I suddenly noticed a mess in the bedroom . He had taken all the pillows off the bed and had pulled some of the vertical blinds off the track . His walker was upside down on the floor . Once I got in there , he told me he was trying to get out of the garage . I told him we are home . He doesn 't believe me . I have to call maintenance this morning . They have to replace 3 of the verticals . What a joke . Yeah , husband made it to his 48th birthday . Something those before him did not . But , at what cost ? It has been a week today that he has been lost in his own world . It happened so fast . He has not come out of it . I don 't believe he ever will . That 's it , folks , he 's gone . I know it now . I have to accept it . I hope God still speaks to him . I hope he still speaks to God . I hope he understands God . Today is a new day . I will start it off in a good frame of mind . After yesterday 's fiasco on Facebook , lasting late in the evening , I have made up my mind to accept people for their ignorance , but , put those said people out of my life . I got some backlash , ( ignorance again ) and decided to end it there . In my last words , I told said ignorant people that I certainly hoped one day they could experience what I 'm going through and we 'll see who laughs then . Oh , dear me , said ignorant people thought and said that I had " cursed " their spouses with Alzheimer 's . Once again , ignorant . My last statement included advising said ignorant people , that if you put it out there , prepare for some to be offended . That 's it , end of story . Now , today , husband 's birthday . I will make him a cake and he , hopefully , will be aware of his surroundings . He kept thinking he was not home yesterday and kept asking me when we were going home . He even started to pack up the closet . I kept calm , telling him that we were home . He looked at me once and said , " Are you sure ? " Last night he was pacing , or , trying to walk up and down the hallway . He was holding onto the walls , shuffling his feet . That 's the way he walks now . I asked him what he was doing and he said , " I 'm making my legs strong . Exercising so I can walk better . " I said nothing . His eyesight has been fading at an alarming rate . I don 't know if it 's the part of the brain that is being damaged , or , his eyes have drastically changed . I believe it 's the damaged brain . It 's just too consistent of brain deterioration . Seeing this new Neurologist in September will help some . This new Dr requires a recent MRI . I have put in a request at Dr A 's office and should hear something today . Husband had an MRI 3 years ago . The brain appeared normal . Of course , he was in the early stages at that time . Alzheimer 's is very hard to detect in the early stages , as the brain has not yet begun to shrink . Unfortunately , the new MRI will show deterioration . I 'm almost certain of that . So , kudos to husband for making it this far . It 's a sad day for me , but , I will not think about that when he is around . I will smile and act happy , making him feel like a king . I have a Facebook account . I read some of the stupidity put out there , some of the funny stuff , some of the family stuff . I rarely comment . Until today . One of my " friends " commented about how she was rolling in laughter because of a commercial she just saw . It was about Men 's protective underwear and she thought it to be hilarious . There was a comment from another idiot that agreed with her . He has trouble seeing . He 'll ask for his glasses , put them on and hold whatever is in his hands close to his face . Then , he 'll say , " I can 't see it , what is it ? " When placing something in his hands , like pills , you have to guide his hand to close , or else , it 'll drop right out of his hand . Father in law came yesterday . I was sitting outside . Husband was in his scooter chair , head dropped , asleep . We talked on the porch . What a bond we share . We have become so close . He said he had a hat for husband and money for this birthday . After about 1 / 2 hour , we went in the apartment . I woke husband up and said , " Look who 's here . " Husband looked up and did not recognize his own dad . Father in law bent down and handed him the money . Husband , not knowing what to do , stared . I lifted his hand up , and father in law placed the bills in his hand . Seeing that husband 's hand was not closing , he gently reached down and closed his hand . It was such a touching moment . I went into the kitchen and husband said to his dad , " My dad is coming to see me . " Father in law leaned back on the chair as if someone had pushed him and said , " I 'm your dad and I 'm here . " Husband smiled . They had a nice visit . After FIL left , husband brought me his wallet and asked me if I could put his money in his wallet . I looked at him , surprised . He said , " I don 't know how to do it . " I am not looking forward to Thursday . It 's something of a milestone for him . But , for me , I know deep inside of me , this will finally be his last birthday . This birthday will be spent quietly . No more BBQ 's for Daddy . No more secret phone calls asking me what to get him for his birthday . No more surprises . No more big family get togethers . No more nothing . So , on Thursday , I will make him feel happy , I hope , if he even remembers it is his birthday . I will make him a cake . I did not buy him a gift . Ah , this is crappy . And sad . And hard . Husband has been very quiet . He didn 't speak much yesterday . He did , however , tell me about the baby that was born in my living room yesterday morning . He said he closed his eyes real tight when the baby came out . I asked him if the baby cried . He giggled and smiled , then said , " No . " I didn 't bring it up again . Kristen called in the morning . I told her about this sudden decline and the hallucinations . She wanted to talk to him . I put the phone on speaker , as he doesn 't at times , know what to do with a phone . I heard her say , " Have you been behaving , Daddy ? " He would giggle and say he had been good . She said that she was going to come for a visit today , on her day off . He loved that . I love that too . He told her about the baby being born . She is so good , all she said was , " How cool . " Then , he lowered his voice and said , " Mom doesn 't believe a baby was born here , but , you and I know it happened , right ? " She , loving him so , said , " Yep " . For the rest of the day , he spoke very little . He came to me and said , " For my birthday , could you get me some clean clothes ? " I told him he had clean clothes . He didn 't like that answer . He has been obsessed with going to the bathroom . With all this bathroom stuff , I had to change his diapers 3 times yesterday . Usually , I put clean ones on him in the morning , lasting through the next day . Not anymore . After dinner and dishes last night , he told me " the man " had peed all over him and I needed to give him a shower . He was soaking wet from the waist down . I got out his adult wipes and wiped him down , putting a fresh diaper on him . I also put baby powder on him , making him smell clean . As I did so , he sighed and said , " Oh , that feels good . " Some folks never get to experience something like this . For some reason , God wants me to experience this . I 'm no saint . I 've never won a Pulitzer Prize , Academy Award , nor am I a household name . I am just an ordinary woman , wife and mother . I have become more aware of things some people would never have even thought of . Ah , life and it 's many challenges . Lessons ? Been there , done that . Still doing that . They say what doesn 't kill you makes you stronger . Yesterday was eye opening for me . Sometime , during the night , I believe my husband slipped into another world . It has been so sudden , Alzheimer 's didn 't give me a chance to warm up to the fact that husband may be completely gone now . It 's just been so fast . Husband was in a complete state of hallucinations , all day long . As I sat outside in the morning , he came to the living room window and asked me how he could get on the porch . I told him . After I had helped him outside , he said , " Wow , I didn 't know you could go through that door and be outside . " After a few minutes , he asked me , " Where are we ? " I told him , " We are home , honey . " He looked at me skeptical and said , " Well , I don 't know about that . " One time , he had pulled his wheelchair inside and told me it was broken . He was going to get some tools to fix it . I talked him out of that one , said nothing was wrong , it just had the brake on . Came in the house from planting some of my flowers and there he was , in all his glory . Naked . Said he had peed all over himself , was soaking wet , wanted a shower . I felt his chest , dry as a bone . His diaper was on the ground , dry . Wanted him to lie down and take a nap . He went to the bathroom , came out and I told him to turn the light off . He said , " No , " He 's " in there . " Yes , " the man " is back . Later , took him back outside because it was so pretty yesterday . Told him to sit in his wheelchair . Went in to make an espresso , came back out to find that husband had turned his wheelchair upside down to sit on it . How he stood , turning over that heavy wheelchair is beyond me . Turned it upright , shaking the whole time and told him to sit . After dinner , he came out of the bathroom ( again , all day long , it was the bathroom ) . Told me he needed to take a shower . This time , he told me , he had oil all over his shorts . What ? At 5 AM this morning , he woke me up and told me a baby had been born in the living room , I needed to come quick . He said he had been stuck on the couch ( I got rid of our couch when we moved here ) and couldn 't get to me , but , a baby had been born . I got him back into bed and as I was dozing off , he said , " Aren 't you gonna check on the baby ? " I will see what today will bring . He is up and in , yes , you guessed it , the bathroom . He is going to have a bath this morning . If it gets worse , I will have no choice but to take him to the ER to have him evaluated . Has he slipped into the unknown world of Alzheimer 's ? Is he gone for good now ? There is such a heaviness in my chest . I am so sad . Not for me , mind you . For him . He looks so helpless , so , so lost . To make matters worse , husband suffers from a form of " Sundowner 's " , another rather unpleasant side to Alzheimer 's . Some patients suffer only " Sundowner 's " , with it only affecting them when the sun goes down . They go throughout their day seemingly unaffected , but let the sun go down and they become lost , confused , angry and feel the need to wander . Not only does husband suffer from the total affects of Alzheimer 's , he also goes from bad to worse when the sun goes down . Some nights , he 's OK . Other nights , not so OK . With it being lighter longer , I begin to automatically stiffen up , bracing myself for the worst around 7 PM . And then , BAM , out of the blue , husband will become accusing , lost , confused , refuses to listen to me , angry . He reminds me of a caged animal wanting to get out of his cage . Only , the cage is his mind and there is no escape . Luckily ( ? ) , there is no violence . Just sheer terror in his eyes . He 's so scared . One week from today is husband 's birthday . His 48th . He now has officially lived longer than his mother , uncles and grandfather . They all died before their 48th year . Will this be his last year ? Who knows . Probably . I thought a lot about this yesterday . I would catch my breath when I thought about it . It 's a little scary think about . As I sat outside this morning , espresso in hand , I thought back to when he could walk normal . Before the monster made his appearance . And , I couldn 't remember how he walked . That bothers me . I try and try to think back when he was well . I can 't remember even the little things . Like walking . Driving . Working in the yard . Holding conversations . Eating . Talking on the phone . Dialing the phone . It 's all been taken from us . Everything . Our memories , our family life , our future . Everything . Gone . I am left with what I am left with and there 's nothing I can do . No magic pill can be taken to make it all go away . This morning , as I think about it , with espresso in hand , I am bitter . Hey , I 'm human . I need to have these bad days to learn and grow . Tomorrow may be different . Had an OK day yesterday . Husband was in and out of reality throughout the day . One minute he 'd be with it , the next , well , he would want to talk to me about finances ( to which he knows nothing anymore ) and would get mad when I would tell him I don 't talk money with him . On and one the day went . By evening , he was pouting in the bedroom . I did my normal stuff and ignored him . That seemed to work , as he soon came out of it and was fine . Until , that is , I got into bed , exhausted . He started in again , wanting to know where all the money goes . I very sternly told him I will not talk money to him and it is time to go to sleep , Goodnight ! I read somewhere that Alzheimer 's patients do sometimes become obsessed about money . Also , a little paranoia sets in , in regards to money . They think that someone is taking all their money , as in my case , and all of a sudden they want to take control back and manage their own money . Not so fast , husband . Never gonna happen . No falls out of bed last night , no wandering the apartment either . He did wake up once to go to the bathroom , but , thankfully , no hallucinations . He 's getting up now , so , I will soon find out what side of the rainbow we are on today . All joking aside , he is not doing well . I had him outside on the porch last night . We had a beautiful rain storm , with thunder and lightening . So refreshing . When we came in , I noticed he had left the walker outside . I asked him about it , he looked at me as if I were looney . Needless to say , I brought it in for him . Know what 's interesting to watch ? Our light switches for the bathroom and kitchen are on the outside of these rooms . Odd , I know , but I just got used to them being there . Husband , on the other hand , will go in the bathroom , back out and I have to remind him each time where the switches are . He will stare at them as if he 's studying those blasted switches . There are two switches . One for the fan , one for the light . There he stands , holding onto the wall and just looking at those switches like they are some foreign object . Interesting to say the least . As far as husband doing his closet thing , yes , I think it 's to keep his mind busy . He needs some stimulation , and he can control that aspect , so , we arrange and re - arrange the closet on a daily basis . All day . Every day . Now that our new apartment is waiting for us in Colorado , I need to keep calm and try not to get so anxious . We have 3 months to go . Not long , but , long enough . I can 't wait to pay my rent for June and officially give them my 60 day notice . I will also point out that , when husband was beside himself with " the man " in the closet , making 2 unscheduled trips to the Dr , with the Dr putting him on anti - psychotic drugs , they would not work with me in getting rid of the mirrored closet doors . Just didn 't want to be bothered . Of course , I removed them , however , when rent time rolls around and I give notice , I will mention how dangerous those mirrored doors actually were to husband 's mind . Husband was hallucinating to the mirror in the bathroom . Said a murder took place in the mirror . My first thought was , " Oh no , not the mirror again . " It took me awhile to calm him down and get him out of the bathroom . Once that was done , I got him back to bed and to sleep . Next thing I knew , I woke up to find him gone . I yelled his name out and he answered from the living room . There he was , sitting in the recliner . I went to him and asked him what he was doing . He looked up at me and said , " I don 't know where I am at . " If you have ever witnessed a person hallucinating you 'll understand . The look in his eyes is not pleasant to look at . They turn very dark and he takes on a whole different look . His bottom lip turns down , and his jaw changes the shape of his face . He doesn 't look like him . This morning , as I was making my espresso , he shuffled into the kitchen . Surprised , I said , " Well , good morning . " He had that hallucinating look . My heart fell . He looked straight at me and said , " Where is your bathroom ? " He had just walked past ( when I say walk , I mean he held onto the walls and drug his legs ) the bathroom . Ah , Mother 's Day . Happy Mother 's Day to all of you out there . I hope your day will be great . Mine ? Well , let 's see . I don 't know how it will be spent . Can 't plan anything . It all depends on this monster that lives in my house and invades every part of my life . 24 hours a day , 7 days a week . So , tomorrow this time , I 'll let you know how my Mother 's Day was . Husband slept the entire night with no interruptions . I backed the walker up against the bed again , keeping him from falling out of bed . I got 7 hours of sleep ! Yay . Aside from sleeping all night , husband is not doing well . He has had hallucinations throughout the day , but , mostly at night . Seems when the sun goes down , he begins to get confused and lost . If I turn on lights when it starts to get dark , it 's helpful , but , it confuses him no matter what I do . The hallucinations aren 't violent , just complete utter confusion like not knowing who I am or where he is at . He also , at times , begins to try to put his shoes on , telling me he is going to be late for work and needs to get going . It takes me awhile to bring him out of it . The re - arranging of the closet is on going . Day in , day out . I am amazed at this behavior . He never tires of this . It starts in the morning , with breaks throughout the day . He will put everything back in , sit on the side of the bed , looking at his work . Then , he will start it all over again . Makes me tired just watching him . His speech is getting garbled . It 's hard for even me to understand him . Father in law came for a visit Thursday . That was nice . Husband enjoys his visits . They talk about old times , when husband was growing up . He 'll say things like , " Remember when you fell and skinned your chin on the bike ? " Husband , for some crazy reason will remember that . It 's crazy . He remembers that , but , can 't remember who I am at times . I 'll tell ya , this Alzheimer 's is one odd disease . Still no word on whether we have been approved for the new apartment up in the Springs . Maybe I will hear something tomorrow . Maybe today ? What a nice Mother 's Day gift that would be . Jane 's sisters invited me up to her house yesterday to give me a few personal items they knew I would like to have . It was different being there without Jane . I kept expecting her to come around the corner , walking that funny , cute little walk she had . I felt a wave of sadness creep over me . I had requested a pencil drawing of her little boy , Kenneth . I didn 't remember how big it was . He was about 8 years old at the time of this drawing . I will cherish that . I also got a picture of Jane & Bob around the time I met them , 22 years ago . Little things here and there . One of the sisters brought me this beautiful plate . It has delicate flowers on it . It 's probably the size of a salad plate . She said , " I want you to have this . It 's very old , probably from the 1800 's and valuable . It has not been appraised , but , we want you to have it . " It has gold painted around the rim . Stunning . Speaking of which , I did all the final paperwork on the apartment up in the Springs . Now , am waiting to see if we qualified . I 'm sure we will , but , there 's always this shred of doubt that finds it 's way into my mind . Prayers ? Please . Husband fell out of bed last night . It took me about 30 minutes getting him back up into bed . I blocked him in , using his walker butted up against his side of the bed . Now , I have made up my mind that once we get to the Springs , he will have to go into a hospital bed . As I crawled into bed , I asked him if he was OK . He said yes . Then he said , " Are we where we 're supposed to be ? " I said , " You mean here , in our apartment ? " " Yes " , he said . I assured him we were where we 're supposed to be . Around 4 am , I woke up and husband was not in bed . I found him wandering the living room . He said he had to go to the bathroom , but , forgot where it was . I guided him to the bathroom . I got back into bed and when he was done he asked me where the bedroom was . He was standing with is walker in the hallway looking for me . He followed my voice . Because I am busy during the day , it doesn 't come to mind just how hard this really is . If I 've had a particular difficult day with husband , it will hit me just as I am trying to go to sleep . Then , I think , " Wow , this is really hard . " And , of course , all the difficult times ahead will invade my sleep . I think about those coming times , what I will do . I think about his end of life . Will it be in my arms ? Will he go in his sleep ? Will he take a bad fall that will kill him ? Will a home nurse wake me up and give me the news that he 's gone ? No wonder I have dark circles under my eyes nowadays . A trip to Walgreens is in my future . Jane 's service was elegant , yet , simple . Just the way she lived her life . She was a private person . She held no grudges . She always found it in her heart to forgive . As I sat at the graveside services , I looked around at the cemetery and found it to be peaceful . I had my closure , knowing she was where she wanted to be placed , forever . Next to her husband Bob . Husband 's mother is placed just south of where Jane and Bob are . Husband is to be placed next to her . It struck me as I was leaving and happened to look up to where mother in law is . That was a little hard for me . That final resting place . But then , I looked at my husband , crippled not only in body , but , mind as well , a prisoner , and , I thought back to an old song I used to sing at church . Yes , I will miss him . Yes , I will long for days gone by . I will have my memories of my husband , big and strong and , healthy . Gone are those days . Replaced by a shell of a man he once was . A man who , at times , doesn 't even recognize me . As this peaceful feeling came over me for Jane , I know that same feeling will follow when I place husband next to his mother . We have had a rough weekend . Husband started this spiral late Thursday night . It has been non stop craziness since . I have been so irritated with everything from A to Z . I still haven 't had time to properly mourn Jane . I 'll get that opportunity on Wednesday , when I attend her funeral , I guess . Saturday is my usual house cleaning . Everything I tried to do Saturday was interrupted by either husband or the dog . So , so frustrating . I got it done , but , what a day . " Yeah , well , how about Alzheimer 's ? Ever wonder what THAT ' S like ? Just because there is no cure doesn 't mean it shouldn 't deserve a post or two about this journey into hell . Here 's to the Alzheimer patient and oh yes , what about the survivors ? " While Cancer is awful and so many people lose their battle with it , at least , for the most part , it can be treated . With Autism , there is no death sentence . Those suffering do have challenges , yes , but , they can live a full productive life . Alzheimer 's on the other hand , has got to be one of the most destructive diseases known to man . I know , I speak from experience . Imagine waking up in the middle of the night and having your husband or spouse look at you and ask " Who are you ? " Jane and I met in early 1991 . We had both gone to the same temp agency to apply for a job . We were there at the same time and chit chatted while waiting for our separate interviews . After our interviews , we were taking the dreaded typing test , together . Then , the call came in from a local bank that had gone belly up and they needed two fast typists . We were called in individually and offered the job . Said it would be about 10 days , but the pay was good . It was to start the following day . I accepted and left . We worked side by side for the next 10 days . Jane had extensive banking experience , coming from upstate New York . I , on the other hand had none . The only thing I had going for me was that I could type fast . Soon , our days were up and I said my goodbyes to employees left behind in the wake of their bank folding . I went to say goodbye to my immediate supervisor and she looked so surprised and said , " What are you talking about ? You 're leaving ? " I told her that the temp agency said the job was for " about 10 days " and the 10 days were up . She said , " You are not going anywhere . We really need you . " All during this time , Jane and I became closer than ever . She was older than me , married to Bob . She told me their only son , Kenneth , had passed away at age 14 from Leukemia . You could see the pain in her face as she talked about him . He had been gone at that point about 12 years . They had relocated to the Southwest right before we met . If I would make a mistake on paperwork , she would kiddingly scold me . I started calling her " Ma " . There were many people at the bank who really thought she was my mother . Through the years , we remained close , calling each other often . She sent a thoughtful gift when my Jack was born . Her husband , Bob , was the nicest , gentle and kind man . He passed away in 1996 . Attending the funeral was hard on me , but , I was there to support " Ma " . Jane is the one I complained about here several months ago . She was alone , lonely and became very demanding . We had a good talk in early December and I told her that I thought she was being too demanding of me , that husband was very sick and I could just not drop everything and run to her when she wanted me too . I pointed out that she had her other friend , Rhonda who lived 2 blocks away and that Rhonda would help her as well . Once she saw husband , she realized just how really sick he is . She apologized and then told me that she had cancer in her left breast and needed surgery to remove the whole breast . Right before we moved here , I took her to the hospital for the surgery . She came through fine . We became close again , like in the early days . She knew of our impending move to beautiful Colorado . One day she said , " Boy , I 'm gonna miss you girl " . When getting off the phone with her , I would always say , " Love ya Ma . " Her reply was always a chuckle first , then , " Love you too . " Thursday afternoon , while sitting outside , a Monarch butterfly was circling my porch . I kept watching it , darting in and out of my porch . Through tears , I said to this butterfly , " Hey , Ma . I see you . " Since husband became sick and the devastating diagnosis we received , I have reached out to all resources , with no positive feedback . I have had doors slammed in my face . I have had organizations tell me that this state only helps those who are on " the system " . I have been told that I should be happy we have any income at all . I have been compared to families with healthy parents that don 't work and they reap the benefits that taxpayers like husband and myself have paid into for many years . Since last summer , Tish and Jace have been telling me they want husband and I to move with them when they get their new orders . I , at first , did not want to move in with anyone , and told her so . None of us knew where the move would take them . We were in the dark for many months . We found out in the middle of January that they got Colorado Springs ! I haven 't said anything because I wanted to discuss this possible move with Dr A . I also wanted to find our own place because since moving here to our apartment , I have found I can make it financially on my own . Not a lot of extras , but , at least I can buy food now ! Dr A said it might be a good idea , with having a strong support system with Tish & Jace . He also said that I would probably have more resources up there . Dr A said he would look into Neurologists in the Denver area and get back with me . I started contacting apartments in early April . When we moved here , I got a 7 month lease , telling them that I may be leaving the state during the summer months . I found a complex that appealed to me . All during April , they kept telling me they had no availability in August . I contacted other complexes , but , kept going back to this one . Living here , if you are to move , you have to give a 60 day notice . My lease is up here August 8th . I was getting nervous as I have to give my notice next month , but , had no new place waiting for us up in Colorado . Frustrated yesterday morning , I called the one I was interested in . As soon as the girl answered , she said , " Oh , yes , I am emailing you as we speak . We just got a 1 bedroom 1 bath available August 15th . Would that work for you ? " After dinner and dishes last night , Dr A called . He told me he had learned that one of his colleagues ' is director at UC Denver in the Neurology Dept . He spoke with this new Dr , told him about husband . The new Dr is very interested in husband and assured Dr A he would take good care of this " very interesting case . " I called this morning and we already have an appointment scheduled for September . The adjustment on husband may be hard , but , he is so very excited . It 's all he talks about . He keeps telling me that he and Jace are going to hunt and fish . Of course , we know that will not happen , but , to see him be excited again makes my heart happy . Please join me as I care for my husband who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness called Early Onset Familial Alzheimer 's Disease . A very rare form of Alzheimer 's , inherited on his Mothers ' side of the family . All other family members died by age 47 . My husband is 46 . Join me won 't you , as I travel this road that will leave me a Widow . Laugh with me , cry with me .