On July 28 , 2016July 28 , 2016 By Kelly SundbergIn Uncategorized2 Comments Maybe I don 't say that enough . Maybe posts like my last one don 't fully express how much better it gets , but it does . It gets so much better . But then I think of her in the car when we hand off my son . I think of how she glares at me . I think of what he must have told her about me in order for her to hate me like that . I think of how I have never been hated like that before . I am not someone that people typically hate . " No , " he replied . " I am not the only person who thinks that you 're kind . I know that you 're kind . I see how you are with other people . I see how they are around you . " " Don 't say that word , " I begged . " I don 't like it . " I never should have begged . My begging gave him power . And soon , that was all that I knew . I knew that I was a cunt . I was a cunt . I was a cunt . I was a cunt . I think of his wife glaring at me . Still , I believe that she is kind . Reed tells me " She is like you , mom . She is more calm like you . " And I know , from her glare , that she is already living in Caleb 's darkness , that he may not be abusing her , but his darkness is now her shadow . My best friend , Megan , is like a part of our family . Megan and I have been friends since we were toddlers . She grew up just down the street from me . We have lived through the death of her mother , my divorce , and the birth of three children between the two of us . My parents love her like a daughter . And when my parents wanted me to stay with Caleb , Megan , who is by nature very non - confrontational , called them . She explained to them how significant Caleb 's abuse must have been in order for him to have been arrested . She explained to them that , if Reed had been present , he would have been taken into child protective custody . She explained to them that my relationship fell into the exact same pattern of abuse that other domestic violence relationships fall into ( she is a counselor ) . I remembered when I was a little girl - only four - and my mom received the phone call that my father 's father had died . I remember my mother crumpling on to the kitchen floor in tears . I remember climbing into her lap . I remember asking , " What happened , mommy ? What happened ? " Still , on the day of my divorce ( which was after that phone call ) , he questioned if the abuse was really as bad as I said it was . All of my anger resurfaced . I called him a coward . I have never seen him so angry . He pointed at me . His hand shook . His voice shook . " I am not a coward , " he said . " I am not a coward . " I stared at him . I have never been that cold in my life . I felt nothing . I was moving to Athens the next day . I had the boxes packed . I told him to leave . I told him , I don 't need you . I meant it . He knew it was true . When I left Caleb , I did it without their help . I did it on my own . Still , he and my mother returned the next day . They helped me move to Athens , but once the boxes were in my apartment , I asked them to leave . I told them that I needed some time to myself . The other day , I received an email from my department about that awful Title IX situation . I was sitting at the kitchen table , and my mother was nearby . I wanted to tell her about it , but I realized that I had never told her about the situation . I had never told her about the meeting because I don 't talk to my parents , you see ? But I wanted to talk to someone , so I told her about it . I told her how hard that meeting was for me , how it had triggered my PTSD , how I was transported back to the time when Caleb was arrested in the dorm , and WVU kicked us both out of our then - home . I told her how hard it was for me to leave him in the first place , but knowing that I was homeless made it so much harder . I told her that I know now that the university should have treated me better . They should have offered me alternate housing , or kicked him out , but let me stay . They should have offered me support , but they didn 't . I told my mom how alone and scared I was at that time . After we finished our conversation , I went into the next room to fold some laundry . My mom came in suddenly . She hugged me and said , " We know how much you have been through , and we 're proud of how far you 've come , and what you 've done with your life . " The next day , Megan and I took our kids to the pool . It was absolutely joyful . Reed played so well with her younger children . He is such a kind child , and he loves Megan . At one point , Megan told her son that I was going to go to take the boys to the deep end while she stayed in the shallow end with the baby . In the car , I told Megan what my mom had said to me . Her face registered shock , then she smiled and said , " Wow . People really can change . " My dad 's first love is the outdoors . When I was in my twenties , we started backpacking regularly . It was the closest that I have ever been with him . He is an introvert - not much of a talker - but on those trips , he would talk to me . Those hikes , and lakes , and mountains were one of the few things that we shared . Last night , I called a man who I used to date before I met Caleb . " What are you doing ? " I asked . " I 'm coming over , " I said . After Caleb 's wedding , I talked to my therapist . We talked via Skype . She has a newborn baby , but she still makes time for me . Her baby was sleeping on her chest . I told her how sad I had been . " What do you think was the source of your sadness ? " she asked . She said , " Kelly , it is okay for you to be sad that you 're single . That is completely normal and okay . In fact , I would be more worried about you if you weren 't sad about that . " River Guide came through town unexpectedly this morning . He had cut a trip short because of some sad news that he had received , and although he didn 't have time to stay , I met him for breakfast where I met one of his best friends . I saw then what River Guide has seen about me . I saw the way his friend respects him . I saw River Guide 's kindness reflected in his friendship with this man . River Guide 's friend left , and we came back to my house for a bit . He kept rationalizing his feelings about the situation that he 's dealing with . " I thought that I had come to terms with this , " he said . Last night , as I sat with my former lover and visited , it occurred to both of us that we could renew our connection . I thought about River Guide . I said , " I am not in a monogamous relationship with River Guide . I can do what I want . " But , in the end , I didn 't really want to be with that former lover in that way . Still , I felt a connection with him . I felt such warmth . And then , this morning , River Guide appeared very suddenly . With him , all bets are off . What I feel for him is more than what I want to feel , and sometimes , those feelings cause me pain . Sometimes , they create joy . I may have to sit alone on the couch , but it is still so much better than what I had with Caleb . When Reed and I moved into the house that we live in now , we laid side by side in the hammock . " Everything is better now , " he said . Although I haven 't felt very alive this week , the song seemed fitting . A few days ago , I posted on Facebook that I was thinking of taking a social media break until I finished my book . I have never done that before . I like social media . I don 't see social media as platform . I see it as the way that I keep in touch with friends . For me , to cut off social media would be out of character , but I wanted to cut the plug this week . What I realized later is that my desire to cut the plug to Facebook wasn 't a desire to finish my book ; it was more of a desire to disappear . What I mean by " disappearance " is that I would like to be absent from my body for just a short period of time . Most writers would say that writing is like an out - of - body experience , and that is the root of the joy . It 's in the transcendence , you see ? I went to a coffee shop last week , and I wrote the chapter of Reed 's birth . I hadn 't realized how resistant I had been to writing about Reed . That resistance does not come from me worrying about Reed 's feelings ( Reed knows what his dad did , he lived through it , and he knows that I 'm writing a book ) . My resistance comes from my guilt and sadness . Then , the chapter evolved . I wrote about my mother - in - law , and how , she told me that she loved me on the phone before she had ever even met me . I couldn 't say the words back , even though I knew that I should have . Soon , I was writing about my relationship with the words " I love you , " and how those words had both been withheld from me , and how I had withheld them from others . I wrote about how Caleb was the first man I had ever dated who I felt safe with emotionally . He had so many problems , but he also seemed more in love with me than anyone ever had . No one before had ever looked at me in the way that he looked at me . I know now that this is a huge red flag of abuse , but obviously , I didn 't know it then . All I knew was that I felt so swept up in his love for me . I had never felt so adored . I teared up at the coffee shop , and I was sitting in a window , so I didn 't think that anyone could see me . But then , I looked over , and one of the employees was hovering kindly . He looked as though he wanted to check on me . I packed up my bag and left . I thanked him on my way out . All she could do was listen . And validate my feelings . She knows - more than anyone - that I don 't love Caleb anymore . She knows - more than anyone - what Caleb did to me . Last week , Reed told me that there were going to be 200 people at the wedding . That news stung . We were Skyping , so he could see my expression , and I saw his face register that it stung for me ( he is unusually empathetic for a ten - year - old ) . I wanted to end the conversation . I found some excuse to end the conversation , but he seemed bummed . " Yes , let 's keep talking , " he said . So I hid my hurt feelings , and we kept talking . He told me that he had to stay at his grandparents ' house the night before the wedding because his dad and fiance were going to stay at a hotel with her friends . He was obviously disappointed . He seemed to feel left out , but I didn 't know what to say . I have determined to never badmouth his father , but how do I encourage him to express his frustrations without badmouthing his father ? I remember when I first left Caleb . A man told me , " My dad was abusive to my mom . The important thing is that you never say anything bad about Caleb because Reed will internalize it . That 's what I did when my mom said stuff about my dad . I thought that I must have been shit if men like him were shit . " I 've never said anything bad about Caleb to Reed . I 've always wanted Reed to feel good about himself , and he does . But I can 't erase Reed 's memories . I can 't change the fact that Reed remembers " Daddy yelling , and mommy crying . " I can 't change the fact that Reed knows his dad abused his mom because Reed lived with that abuse . But it did . It hurt . It hurt because all of those people celebrating that joyous occasion were going to pretend that I had never existed . They were going to pretend that I had never happened . I wrote : We need you to open your eyes . We need you to look at us . I tell myself that , when you see us , things will change . I tell myself that , when you see us , you 'll finally believe us . What hurts most about Caleb 's wedding is not that he 's happy . It 's not my fear for her future . It 's not own my sadness that I am still single . It 's not some kind of misguided grief for a man I once loved , but who hurt me in ways that can never be undone . Do I blame him for all of those things ? Of course , but he is sick . That 's his excuse . It 's not a good excuse , but it 's an excuse . I couldn 't disappear last week , so I slept a lot . I went for long walks . I watched Grace and Frankie . I talked to my best friends on the phone . I wrote , and wrote , and wrote some more . I had dinner plans with a poet , Donna , who I had met via social media . I took the subway to Oakland , and she took me out to a fancy restaurant . We talked about writing . We talked about violence . And we also laughed . A lot . After dinner , we walked around Lake Merritt . She picked up a rock that she said would symbolize all of my regrets . She told me to throw it into the lake , and I did . For a moment , I thought that it was going to float , but it sunk into that dark water , and I hope it took my regrets with me . On July 7 , 2016July 7 , 2016 By Kelly SundbergIn UncategorizedLeave a comment Just before I started dating Caleb , a close friend of mine married a man named Caleb . My friend and I had been single together for quite some time , and ours was a good - time friendship . We were both adventurous . We both liked to travel , and skinny dip , and dance late into the night . When she started seeing her Caleb , her life changed . He was a kind man , but more serious than her . Their relationship moved quickly , and soon , they were married . I remember going to visit her at their new home in a ski town that was near Boise . It was cold and snowy , and a wood stove kept their home toasty warm . My friend and I went snow shoeing . When we returned , she baked bread and made homemade noodles . His friends came over , and they were much older than us . They were medical doctors . We played cards , and I was bored . I was happy for my friend , but her life didn 't appeal to me . Still , I thought that her home was lovely , comfortable , and domestic . In a large window , she had a prism , and it refracted rainbows over the entire great room . I drove back to my studio apartment in Boise . I was sweaty and sore from snow shoeing . I took a shower , and when I got out , Caleb was there . We went to my bed and tore into each other . My thigh muscles groaned from fatigue as he gripped them , but I didn 't care . The sex was always good between us - from the start of the relationship to the end . When we finished , we dressed and walked to the hipster bar where we had met . We drank , danced , and laughed with the many friends who had joined us . I forgot that I was tired . It was a joyful evening . I was maybe the happiest I had ever been at that point . A year or so later , my friend divorced her Caleb , and I had an infant . Our roles were reversed . I remember how shocked I was when she told me that she was leaving him . I thought she was making a mistake . How could she let someone go who was so stable ? So responsible ? I thought longingly of how I wished that my Caleb was more like hers . But her Caleb didn 't excite her , she said . He didn 't tell her he loved her . My Caleb excited me , and he told me he loved me , but he was such a beautiful mess . He needed me to take care of him . He was quicksand , and I was up to my knees . After my friend told me about her divorce , Caleb and I went to a craft fair and saw a booth full of the same prisms that my friend had . He bought me one for my birthday . We were so poor that it was difficult for us to even afford the most simple version , but I wanted it , and Caleb indulged me , so we bought it . That prism accompanied us to every home that we lived in . It cast rainbows across rooms that were heavy with sadness . When I left Caleb , I took the prism with me . Reed and I moved into a tiny apartment in a student housing complex . It wasn 't a good place to raise a child ( or even to be an adult ) , but it was clean , safe , and it had good light . Reed and I saw more rainbows in that apartment than we had anywhere else . I am writing this post at the kitchen table in my favorite writer 's house . She is an activist , an artist , and a good person , . We met when she spoke at my university , but she meets lots of people . I don 't think that I made much of an impression at that time . Shortly after her visit , I published my most - read essay , and she emailed me . Then , she friended me on Facebook . Then , she came through the Forest Service guard station where I was working , and I caught her with her face buried in a tree . I think it was a white pine . We had so much in common , which is probably why her writing had always resonated with me strongly - her mixture of artistry and activism . And now , she is a mentor . And a friend . And she offered me her home to write in for two weeks . And what can I say to that ? What I can say is that her home is as beautiful as I had imagined that it would be . It is as beautiful as she is , and it is precisely the home that I would have thought she would live in . For a period , I get to live in this energy , and I am a sentimental person . I could not be happier . In this apartment - where I get to do what I love ( which is make a living as a writer ) - I am no longer in quicksand . At the end of my marriage , I was up to my neck in quicksand , but I didn 't let it overtake me . And now , I 'm here . I 'm free . I hesitated when she offered me this time in her home . I was in Belgium at a writer 's residency , and the night before I left for Belgium , I reconnected with River Guide , who is no longer river guiding very much . I knew that I wasn 't going to see him very much this summer . I knew that the time in her home would overlap directly with the time that he was going to be in my hometown . I knew that I would likely miss all of my time with him . I chose to come here instead . River Guide and I are in a relationship , but it is not a relationship . Last year , I wanted more from him , and he couldn 't give it to me , so I ended things with him . I was sincere in that conclusion , and I 've written about it before , so I don 't feel that I need to go into more detail . During the school year , when I have Reed , I am essentially a nun . This is not an exaggeration . Reed is always , always my priority , and that does not leave a lot of time for dating . Still , because I had ended things with River Guide , my emotional space was freed up during this past year , and I was attracted to other men , which was a significant step for me . But he did not . He was surprised . He had taken me at my word when I had ended things with him the summer before ( which is very sweet ) , but , still , he jumped at the opportunity to be involved with me again , and so , here we are . At one point , I stood in the river while he sat on the beach facing me . The water came up to my ankles , and I was in a sundress . The water was cold , but the sunshine on my shoulders was warm . I felt as though I glowed . Happy . He looked sad though . He kept sighing and looking away . I wanted to tell him to quit it . I wanted to tell him to - as my friends would say - shit or get off the pot . I did not say that . Still , later , when we were at my home , I told him that I had moved on . I told him that our relationship works just fine for me as it is , that I am busy with my own life , with my career , and my travel , and my friends , and that frankly , I don 't want to expend my energy on a man who doesn 't know what he wants . I told him that I am happy to see him when it happens , but that , I am not going to stop looking elsewhere , and if I meet someone else , someone who inspires me to commit to them , then I will end my relationship ( but not my friendship ) with River Guide . And I am . I like intimacy . I like deep connections . I orient heavily towards monogamy . I am faithful in committed relationships . I have never cheated on anyone . I have never knowingly been the " other woman " either . I am not saying that this is the right way to live , but it is the way that I live , and I am trying to learn how to live with myself . So , River Guide is a stretch for me . Things are not black and white with him . They are all kinds of gray . Last summer , that gray unsettled me , but this summer , I can handle it . I told one friend that my relationship with River Guide works for me right now . It allows me to have some intimacy , and someone to care about , without really interfering with my life in other ways . I told her that I don 't really want to stop my relationship with River Guide . And River Guide 's response ? He understands . " You 're placing your own needs first , " he said . " I 'm glad for that . " Still , the next day , after we had gone on a hike and a drive , we stopped at a campground . He strode up from the river . I smiled at him , and he smiled back . He took my face between both hands and kissed me so tenderly . I felt that kiss all the way into my toes . On the weekend before River Guide came to see me , a good friend also came to see me . I have never felt more loved than I do right now . Maybe it is my age - the fact that I 've had so many years to cultivate friendships - but I feel overwhelmed with loving people in my life , and I mean that in the best possible way . This friend has known me for many years . She knew me before Caleb . At one point , she said , " I think that you 're the happiest now that I 've ever seen you . You 're even happier than you were before you met Caleb . You were always pretty happy before you met Caleb , but there was just something missing . " That night by the river , after River Guide had looked at me sadly , I curled up next to him on the beach , and we talked about sadness . He doesn 't read my writing because he doesn 't want to feel sad . He acknowledged that he avoids sadness as much as possible , and I forgave him for not reading my writing , but I told him that his refusal to read it means I can write about him with impunity ( see what I 'm doing here ? ) . He told me that he thinks his avoidance of sadness is healthy . He said , " Maybe that 's selfish of me . " And I responded that I had read some articles that claim that selfish people are actually happier . It was , I am sure , not what he wanted to hear . I told him that I am more interested in living a meaningful life than a happy life , and he did not even understand what that meant . What was a meaningful life , he wondered ? ( For reference , he is a scientist ) . I wasn 't really sure how to explain it . I told him that I thought a meaningful life was when someone affects change for the better on the world ( or people ) around them . He then said that he lives a meaningful life because he teaches high school ( and he 's quite good at it ) . I agreed with him , but I knew there was still a disconnect between what we perceived as meaningful . ( Let me be clear , though , when I say that he is a good person - an ethical person - and one who makes the world around him better . I care about him deeply , and he has made my own life better in an infinite amount of ways . ) Later , I realized what that disconnect was : To me , meaningful change occurs in intimate relationships . I do value the relationships with my students , but ultimately , those are surface level ( and tend to be one - directional ) relationships . What I value more ( for myself ) are the relationships with those who are in the trenches with me , and River Guide doesn 't really want to be in the trenches with me . He is in the trenches with me , but he wants to have a surface level relationship , and that 's completely okay . Still , he doesn 't get to call that relationship meaningful . My friend - though - the one who drove to see me ? Now , that 's a meaningful relationship . She , too , is a scientist , but she reads my writing . She 's told me that it makes her cry , but she reads it anyway because she wants to really know me . She wants to know what happened to me , and to know where I 'm coming from . And you know what ? She still thinks I 'm the happiest I 've ever been . It turns out that my life - writing and all - is not so scary . When my friend and I went to the Farmers ' Market in my town , we saw the prism guy . By then , my own prism had grown kind of dingy with time , and I wanted a new one . As I talked with the prism guy , I realized that I was finally in a position to replace the prism that Caleb had bought for me . I can afford it now , all on my own , and I don 't even have to wince at the cost because I 've put myself first enough that I can now support myself .