Unlike we 'd all read about in books or seen in movies , there was no mutant virus , no clumsy lab worker , no toxic spills , nothing like any of that . It was as simple as a rock from outer space entering our atmosphere and landing in the Atlantic Ocean . The astromoners told us the meteor was coming , and the governments prepared for it . If there had been devastating floods , cities laid to ruin , or anything else out of a movie , the human population would have been well prepared . Civilization would have been saved with little effort , and life would have gone on as normal . Instead , a collision in space with a second rogue rock destroyed the meteor , with most of the debris managing to end up somewhere other than on Earth . Unfortunately , one rock about the size of a compact car ended up at the bottom of the ocean , almost exactly halfway between the Statue of Liberty and the Canary Islands . I realize that calling it a rock is an understatement , but that 's how it 's been referred to since the day it splashed down . It 's called " the rock . " No capital letters . You can go anywhere in the world and mention " the rock " and people will know what you 're talking about . Nobody noticed the zombies at first . It took a week or so before any Z 's were reported . Z 's . That 's what people call zombies . Lame , I know , but I didn 't name them . See , real zombies aren 't like fictional zombies . Those zombies are mindless , wandering , braindead , rotting corpses that are simply reanimated dead people . In the movies and books , there were slow , clumsy versions and there were fast , agile versions , but they were all just that - versions . Actually , I guess zombies aren 't really real . I mean , we have zombies everywhere , but people just took a word previously used only in fictional works and applied it to what came as a result of the rock . The Z 's we have today . Z 's aren 't anything like the ones from tales of horror . No rotting flesh , no blind eyes , no stumbling around looking for " braaaaaainssss . " No , none of that . Z 's look and act just like you and everyone you know , but I 'll get to that soon enough . For now , let 's go back to how Z 's are … made , for lack of a better word . The first reported Z was a woman with terminal cancer . A few days before the rock came , she 'd been sent home to die because there was nothing else they could do for her in the hospital . Home was a beach house in West Virginia . One afternoon , she closed her eyes and stopped breathing . Her son , a widower , was sitting with her . He sighed , torn between relief that his mother was out of pain and grief over his loss , along with a just a little bit of happiness that he wouldn 't have to take care of her anymore . He left the room to call his sister , to let her know that their mother was gone . No sooner had he said the words to her than he heard his mother 's voice behind him asking if there was anything to eat , because she was starving . What he saw when he turned around killed him . Standing in the door to the kitchen was his mother . Not only was she alive , but her skin had a healthy pink glow to it , her eyes were bright , and for a brief second , he noticed she was almost bouncing where she stood . Which was surprising since , for months , she 'd been unable to stand on her own , much less walk ( or bounce ) . He noticed all of these things for just a brief moment before he died . Some readers might assume that , since this is a tale of zombies , his mother attacked him . I 'm happy to say that isn 't the case . The shock of seeing his dead mother alive and well was just too much for his heart , and the poor man died of a massive coronary event . He stayed dead for about fifteen minutes before he opened his eyes and asked for something to eat , which shocked the hell out of the paramedic who had just told his partner " this guy 's worm food " a second before . A quick once over by the emergency room doctor revealed that both mother and son were as healthy as could be . A few early tests revealed a healthy heart in the son , and no cancer cells present in the mother . Many more advanced tests later , it was revealed that large parts of their brains had no activity present . Stories like this started popping up slowly around the country . Within a month , thousands upon thousands of these miracles were reported world wide . It took almost a year before medical experts discovered that the moment people died , something in a small part of the brain caused the body to immediately start repairing itself . As the body healed , the brain stopped . And , even though the brain stopped , the body continued functioning normally . Almost normally , anyway . Three noticeable things happen when a person dies , then un - dies . First , they stop aging . Hair and nails stop growing , as does height . The second thing noticed is that pregnant women who die , then un - die , gave birth to live children . No explanation for that has ever been discovered . The third thing that happens is that a person who has un - died is overcome with a nearly insatiable hunger . Now , this is one thing our Z 's have in common with make believe zombies . Our Z 's crave flesh . Not brains , necessarily . Just flesh . Any kind of flesh , other than the flesh of another Z . Most will admit that there is a stronger craving for human flesh , but it 's easily overcome simply by eating a meaty meal . A rare hamburger , a juicy steak , a fried chicken leg , a hot dog . Anything made of flesh of any once living being . Once the hunger is sated , the desire for human flesh disappears . In the beginning of all of this , no one put the rock and the Z 's together . They had no reason to . Most research done wasn 't to find a cure , as there was really nothing to cure . It was mostly done to find a cause , because with a cause there would be understanding . The change was noted in the oceans at first . When the idea of Z 's was still new , it was believed that only humans were affected . At first , no animals showed any signs of being affected by whatever was causing it . There were no animal Z 's . Then , fishermen around the world started reporting a disturbing drop in the numbers of fish in the waters . As it turned out , marine animals were affected the same way humans were , after all . For some reason , it just took longer for it to hit them . Marine animals in the oceans , lakes , rivers , and other bodies of water started dying , then un - dying . As they un - died , they had the same hunger for flesh that human Z 's had . However , unlike a human Z that was able to order a hamburger , these animals gave in to their cravings and turned on their own kind . Numbers dwindled and never rose again . It was discovered that the closer in proximity to the rock , the more drastic the drop in marine population . It was at this point that two and two were put together to make four . Just as scientists discovered that fish were no long giving birth , pregnant women worldwide stopped giving birth . For those fortunate enough to have their babies delivered through surgery , their children became known as " last generation . " For the rest , their fetuses died , then un - died , inside of them . Many women lived the rest of their lives with these unborn , un - died babies inside of them . Many others couldn 't live with the pain and ended their own lives … only to un - die . Dying and un - dying can happen more than once . Someone who has un - died can un - die again if something happens to him . In order for Z 's to die , the body has to be burned or the head removed . This is similar to the death of movie zombies . And vampires . But , vampires don 't really exist . Z 's do . For a period of time , as you can imagine , there was chaos . We had no words for this new type of human . Did laws apply to someone once he died ? Once you die , then un - die , do you still have to pay taxes ? ( This was an actual question posed before Congress , believe it or not . ) What about inmates on death row ? Once they un - died , did they have to remain incarcerated ? After all , they had been sentenced to death , and they had died , thus carrying out their sentence . New laws were made concerning Z 's , and smartly , all of the governments of the world decided to uniformly place these laws into effect . Yes , human laws did still apply . Yes , Z 's did still have to pay taxes . As far as death row inmates , they were still to be executed . However , once they un - died , they were transferred to a special prison . Alcatraz Island was reopened for the purpose of housing these types of inmates . As I mentioned earlier , there is a craving for human flesh once you un - die . It took some time to get it all figured out . Sadly , there were some Z 's who turned on those close to them to satisfy that craving . They claimed it was their nature and that denying them their nature was cruel and unusual punishment . This was an argument that ended up before the Supreme Court of the United States . The Court ruled , unanimously , that live humans health and safety took priority over that of the Z 's . As a result , a universal law was passed worldwide that stated any Z that consumed human flesh would be decapitated without trial . There was unease for quite a few years . Z 's felt that they were being denied their rights , that they were being treated as second class citizens . Protests , uprisings , and riots became common place . It wasn 't just Z 's fighting for their rights , either . Many live humans fought alongside them . For a long time , there was something that neither side considered . It was a simple question asked by a child that stopped the fighting . She asked " What would happen if the President died and became a Z ? " During those fighting years , there were lawmakers who died and un - died , and it was kept secret . The simple question that little girl asked made people realize that Z 's were a part of the government , and even though things were difficult , the government managed to continue functioning reasonably well . At that point in our history , things settled down . Humans and Z 's lived side by side and worked out the problems that arose now and then . That 's what they want you to believe . They don 't want to acknowledge that there are sides , both human and Z , that are so full of hate that they can 't live in peace . There are humans that want all Z 's destroyed . They want to make it law that the moment a live human dies , the head is removed so that no more Z 's will un - die . On the other side , there are Z 's who are tired of being treated the way they are . These are the ones who think they should not be denied their hunger for flesh . If these Z 's had their way , humans would be rounded up and kept like cattle . Three people sat inside the otherwise empty train depot . The ticket agent had gone home half an hour earlier . The space was large , and the three people were sitting as far from each other as possible . Whether their positioning was intentional or just a matter of the subconscious wasn 't important . It wasn 't something that any of them were giving thought to at the moment . Each was absorbed in their own thoughts , the only sound the whistle of the wind through the crack under the double doors that lead out of the building . In the corner nearest the door was Eloise Harker . She was wearing a long trench coat and had it tied tightly around her . Her bright red hair , almost orange , lay just over the collar of her coat , almost touching her shoulders . Most people would guess her to be in her late thirties , and very few would believe that she was almost forty five years old . She held an open book between her hands , her light green eyes glancing up over the page every now and then to look at the clock on the wall . She didn 't wear a watch , and as evidenced by the actual paperback book in her hand ( as opposed to one of those fancy new electronic books her only sister kept trying to get her to buy ) , she wasn 't real concerned with keeping up with technology . Growing up below poverty level with a single father , practically raising her sister , she never had time for such things . She cleared her throat and turned the page of her book . It was a decent book . Not as good as anything she 'd ever written herself , but still pretty good . She looked up at a flickering light , letting her mind wander a bit , and wondered how a book like this was able to be published , yet no one would even look at any of her works . On the far wall , directly opposite the entrance of the building , a small bench ran along side each side of a pair of restrooms - " his " and " hers . " On the bench next to the sign marked " his " sat a younger man , probably four or five years younger than Eloise . Despite the chill in the room , carried in on the wind under those doors , this man wore no coat . In fact , he was dressed only in threadbare jeans , a lightweight t - shirt , and a pair of hiking boots . With his black hair hanging over his eyes , almost touching his nose , it was hard to tell if he was awake or not . Judging by his posture , he was more likely than not to be sleeping . His head was leaned back against the wall , his mouth opened slightly , and his body leaning to one side . Conner ( not Connor with an ' O , ' but Conner with an ' E ' ) Doogan was aware of how he looked . He was wide awake , staring at the ceiling . He had learned early on that if people thought you were asleep , they wouldn 't bother you for things like the time or to ask if you knew when the next train was scheduled to arrive . So , he sat there , the ceiling above him not doing anything to particularly hold his attention , yet staring at the ceiling anyway . He was waiting for the last train to arrive and depart , leaving him alone in the building so that he could use the restroom to wash himself . He hated living like this . He really was alone in the world , and he had no one to turn to for help . Ever since he 'd returned from Afghanistan , he 'd been struggling , holding on to the will to live . His disability checks were enough to live on , barely enough to feed himself , much less pay rent somewhere . He 'd tried selling his body a few times , but he couldn 't bring himself to do that anymore . It wasn 't that the experience itself was horrible , he just didn 't like feeling like some kind of whore . Just some piece of meat . Besides , with his limp and the speech impediment caused by the trauma he 'd suffered overseas , finding guys willing to pay for sex proved to be harder than it should . So , for now , he 'd go on using public restrooms to bathe , continue sleeping on whatever bench he didn 't get kicked off of , and keep on spending his little bit of income on food . In the corner opposite Eloise was the ticket counter . It was designed so that three ticket agents could work behind it during busy times . Tonight wasn 't busy , so instead of three , there were none . Next to that counter was an empty newsstand . At one time , it had been a place to buy the morning paper , but now it was just an empty space with a stool behind it . On this night , that stool was occupied by Harris Long . It was a convenient spot for him because it allowed him to set his laptop computer on the counter in front of him and use it with some comfort . Where Conner was a few years younger than Eloise , Harris was about that much older than she was . Harris Long . Everyone knew his name , no one knew his face . Well , those who worked with him knew his face , obviously , but the general public wouldn 't recognize him if he were sitting in the same room with them . The lack of interest by both Conner and Eloise proved that fact . At almost fifty years old , he was one of the wealthiest men in the state . He 'd come from being an orphan on the street - literally - to someone who owned those same streets now . In a heavy pea coat that had cost him nearly $ 400 , he was snug and warm in his little spot in the station . The only part of him that was feeling the cold in the air was his bald head , and that was only because he 'd left his hat at home that morning . The temperature didn 't bother him , though . He was too busy reading a manuscript that was on the screen in front of him to really notice anything at all . This was good . These words in front of him had him hooked . From across the room , if anyone were looking at him , they would easily see his dark brown eyes darting back and forth as he read . No one was looking at him , though , and he read undisturbed . Minutes passed and more minutes passed . The only person who took any notice of the absence of the long overdue train was Conner . He 'd stopped staring at the ceiling and was watching the clock on the wall . The train , he realized , should have come and gone well over twenty minutes earlier . With this realization also came the realization that he had to pee . Looking around , he took notice of the other two people in the room and sighed . The interruption of the silence caused Eloise to look at the younger man . He looked back at her and gave her a half smile . He didn 't really feel like smiling , but he 'd learned that scowling usually led to trouble . A scowl drew attention , attention meant police were called , and police meant being run off because there was no loitering allowed here , wherever " here " might be . He slowly drew himself up . He grasped the arm of the bench and pushed himself up . Once standing , he carefully stretched his right leg out behind him , then straight out in front of him before placing his foot back on the ground and putting his weight on it . It was on cold days like this one that he wished he had a cane to lean on . He 'd had one at one time , right after coming back to the states , but some street thugs had decided one night that it would look better in their hands than in his . Carefully , he took a step to test the strength of the leg before letting go of the bench . The leg held , and he made his way into the restroom . As he entered the bright white room , it surprised him how much warmer it was in here than in the waiting area . The maintenance guy must have finally fixed the heater in here , he thought to himself . He stepped up to a urinal and reached up to hold on to the dividing wall with one hand while freeing himself from behind his zipper with the other . His leg was starting to feel weak , and the last thing he needed was to fall to the ground while he was draining his bladder . He tried to hurry the process , and managed to finish his business and get everything tucked back in and zipped away before his leg gave out . Now , sitting on the tiled floor , he shook his head . That was close . At least I 'm still dry . He was now faced with a decision . He could call out for help , which is the last thing he 'd ever do . He could reach up and use the lip of the urinal to pull himself up , but who knew the last time that thing had been actually been cleaned ? And then there was his third option . He looked over at the sink area and decided shame was the least of his worries since there was no one to see him embarrass himself . He groaned a little as he made his way into a crawling position , then slowly crawled over to the sinks . He reached up with both hands and pulled his good leg underneath him , and made his way back to a standing position . He then turned around and gave a small hop so that he was sitting on the sink counter . " I might as well sit here and keep warm until those other folks are gone , " he muttered to himself . " I wonder where that train is . " He leaned back , reached across his body , and turned on the sink to wash his hands , then dried them on his pants . In the waiting area , Eloise had just finished her book . She looked up at the clock and was surprised to see how late it was . Surely that wasn 't the right time . She looked over at a well dressed man who was busy on one of those portable computers . " Excuse me , " she said a little louder than she 'd intended . The man took no notice . Eloise cleared her throat and tried again . " I said excuse me , sir . You . On the computer . " Harris looked up to see Eloise looking at him with a disapproving look on her face . " Oh , I 'm sorry ! I didn 't hear you . I 'm afraid I let my work get the better of me . What was it you needed ? " From across the room , Harris noticed the gun before he noticed the cold . He looked at the face of the person holding the gun and was actually startled to see that it was the face of a child . A teenager , really , but a child none the less . A boy , about fifteen years old . " A caucasian male , not much older than Huck Finn , " Eloise would write later . " I ain 't afraid to shoot none of you . Wouldn 't be the first time . Here 's what we 're gonna do right now . I ain 't got no time to be messing around . That train 's coming and I 'm gonna be gone before it gets here , cool ? Now , you , " he said , lifting his chin in Harris ' direction , " you bring me that laptop . Take out your wallet while you 're at it . A suit like that , you gotta have some cash on you . " He looked over at Eloise . " What are you , some kind of nun ? What you dressed like that for ? Damn , you 'd be looking kind of good if you wore some real clothes ! Why don 't you take that long ass coat off and let us see what you look like under there ? " Before Eloise could protest , Conner 's voice came from across the room . " Hey kid , you should leave . " He was leaning against the door frame of the restroom , looking like he didn 't have a care in the world . He didn 't even look at the kid . Instead , he was looking at his fingernails , like he was trying to find that hangnail that he could feel , but couldn 't quite see . " Dude , you crazy or something ? I got a gun . Don 't you see I got a gun ? You want me to shoot you ? Shut the hell up and sit down over there . " Still smiling , Conner spoke again with ice in his voice . His eyes said that his mindset didn 't match the smile on his face . " Shoot me ? Go for it . Been shot before , you punk assed bitch . More than once . If a sniper rifle couldn 't take me down , you think that baby gun you got there 's gonna do it ? " Conner laughed . " I never saw any snipers . If I 'd seen them , they wouldn 't have shot me . But they did . They shot me . But you know what ? After they shot me , I got up and walked away . That 's what Marines do . We get shot , we walk away . You shoot me , I 'm going to walk over there , then I 'll take that toy away from you and shove it so far up your ass , you 'll have to use a toothbrush to pull the trigger the next time you decide to shoot someone . " " Now see , " said Conner , " you 're playing with it . Someone who shoots people doesn 't play with their gun . They hold it firm in one hand , kind of like you hold your pecker at night , and they show people that they know what to do with it , again , kind of like you and your pecker at night . The truth is that you 've never shot anyone before , and you 're not going to shoot anyone today . Now , I might be wrong . You might shoot someone today just to prove to me how wrong I am . But , kid , I 'm telling you , you pull that trigger again , you 're not walking out of this building on your own . " The doors weren 't even fully shut before Conner slumped to the ground in pain . He hadn 't even felt the pain when faced with the scene that had just unfolded , but now that it was gone , the pain was back . He looked up at the man and woman who were standing next to him . " So , uh … care to give a guy a hand ? " As the two helped lift the Marine off the ground , they could hear the train much closer now . They both had the same thought running through their heads . They both thought Conner was a hero , and if what he 'd just said was true , he was a hero in more ways than one . They both wanted to know his story , and they both thought it could be a story that others would want to hear . " No ma ' am , not by what just happened . I won 't lie and say I 'm not in pain , because , well , you can see that I am . But no , I 'm fine for the most part . " Harris took off the coat he was wearing and put it around Conner 's shoulders . Conner protested . " Sir , I appreciate it , but you don 't want to do that . I don 't exactly smell spring fresh right now . Truth is , I was waiting for you folks to leave so I could go in there and give myself a sponge bath , " he said , pointing to the restroom he 'd come out of moments before . The older man smiled and shrugged . " Friend , I don 't care if you smell like a fresh pile of horse manure , the coat is yours , and I won 't hear another word about it . How is it that you 're a Marine , yet here you are , dressed like that , in this weather ? " He was aware enough not to mention Conner 's dirty hair , his foul breath , or his filthy jeans . Eloise interrupted . " Oh , yes ! So would I ! If you don 't mind , I 'd like to take notes , too ! " She hadn 't been so excited to write something since the last time she 'd written something , two days ago . Conner shook his head . " You folks don 't understand . I 'm kind of what you 'd call a loner . I don 't accept pity or charity or anything of that sort . I didn 't do anything just now that any other - " " I said shut up . You obviously have a story to tell . This young lady obviously wants to write about it . And if it 's anything like I 'm picturing it in my head , it 's probably something I 'd be interested in publishing . So , shut up . The three of us are going to get on that train , go into the city , and I 'm going to buy you both dinner while you tell us about these snipers you never saw . " A sly grin crossed Conner 's face . " Well , actually , I did see them . I mean , after they shot me , I couldn 't just let them get away with it , could I ? " Before Conner could reply , the train conductor walked in to the station . " You folks headed to town ? We 're behind schedule and need to get going . " Harris held out his hand and helped Conner stand up . He put his arm around the other man 's waist to help support his waist . " Friend , I have a feeling you don 't really have any plans for tonight , so after we 've eaten , you 're coming home with me . You 'll shower , get a good night 's sleep , and tomorrow I 'm taking you to see my doctor about that leg . " Conner shook his head . Hadn 't he just told them he didn 't accept charity ? " No sir , I can 't let you do that . I can go to the V . A . hospital just as soon as I get my next check . " " Bullshit . I know the V . A . hospitals . If they did their job , you wouldn 't be in this much pain right now . Don 't argue with me . I know you don 't know who I am , but I 'm not a man to be argued with . " Eloise cleared her throat . I do that a lot , she thought to herself . " I think we 'd better hurry . The conductor just climbed back on the train . " Together , the three of them headed for the exit . One by one , they climbed aboard the train , Harris helping Conner up the steps of the passenger car . In the end , things happened just as Harris had said they would . They had dinner and Conner told his story . It took a couple of hours , and Eloise wrote everything by hand in her notepad . When Harris offered her the use of his laptop , she waved him away . After dinner , she went her own way , and the two men went back to Harris ' home , a penthouse with a view of the city . Seven months later , Conner sat by Eloise 's side as she signed copies of her book . The book about Conner 's life and his time in the war . In a chair off to the side , Harris smiled at his new best selling author . The woman could write , there was no doubt about it . He looked at Conner and the smile grew . The two had become more than friends . He supposed a discreet person might say they were companions . Whatever they were , Harris was thankful to the young guy with the gun for bringing Conner Doogan into his life . I didn 't know who the dark haired kid was when I first saw him , but I 'd get to know him very well before we finished high school . I still remember the first time he caught my eye . I was closing my locker and saw him staring at me . When he realized that I 'd noticed him looking at me , he turned red , quickly slammed his locker , and hurried off down the hall . I got to school early the next day , hoping to see him again , but it was a wasted effort . It wasn 't until lunch on the third day that I did see him again . He was sitting with some guys from the football team . Now , I was never exactly bold in high school , and there was no way I was going to go up and start talking to him . What I did do , though , was sit in his line of sight just a few tables away . I watched him until he looked up and met my eye , and when he did , I smiled at him , then looked away . I 'll spare you the details of the repetitive back and forth game of eye tag that this started . Let 's just say it went on for almost two more weeks . A few days before the homecoming game , I was on my way to drama class , running a few minutes late , and as I hurried around a corner , I ran into a wall . A wall with black hair and dark green eyes . I mean , I literally ran into him . I mentioned earlier that he was sitting with the football players at lunch . Turns out it 's because he was a football player himself . As I unintentionally threw myself at him , he remained firmly planted in place , and I bounced off of him and onto the floor . He offered me his hand to help me up and apologized for knocking me down . I tried to tell him it was my fault , but everything in my brain was focused on his hand . His hand holding my hand . I opened my mouth , but nothing came out . I wanted to slap myself . Back then , I never really gave much thought as to why I wasn 't interested in girls , but the last thing I wanted to do was sound like I was into guys . I was a drama and band nerd . The last thing I needed was people going around saying I was gay … although , I later found out that they 'd been saying it long before any of this ever happened . Before I could respond , the bell rang . Having just made a fool of myself , I didn 't say anything else and just ran off to class without looking back . I spent the entire class period going over in my head what had just happened . Why did I say that about his eyes ? Why couldn 't I have just thanked him for his help or apologized for running into him ? Why did I have to run into him like that in the first place ? Why did his hand feel so warm and strong ? Why did I notice that his pants were - I didn 't stop , though . I was so caught up in thinking about this kid that I didn 't hear the bell ring . I was still sitting at my desk when my best friend , Erin , walked in . I grabbed my bag from the floor next to me and hurried out of class . What was with me that day ? I was never late , and there I was about to be late for the second class in a row . I stopped at my locker to throw my bag in , rushed out the door of the main building , and started running towards the gym . If I was late , Coach would make me run laps . I don 't run . Well , I mean I don 't run unless I 'm late to class . Anyway , I noticed that my shoe was untied and slowed down a bit , thinking I should tie it , but then told myself that I was just going to be taking the shoe off when I got to the locker room , so I let it go and picked up speed . I reached the gym and ran around the corner towards the locker room entrance . Just as I made the turn , I tripped over that goddamned shoelace and fell face first into a wall . And me , being the self confident , quick and witty guy that I am , I mumbled something like " your hair 's wet " and scurried ( yes , scurried , as in a rat or a weasel ) off to the locker room . I was late , naturally , since I was in those strong arms when the bell rang , so I spent most of the period running laps . Usually , when gym was over , I didn 't bother showering since it was my last class of the day . I normally just drove home and showered there before doing my homework . I had a doctor 's appointment today , though , so I took my time getting undressed , waiting for most of the guys to leave before I headed for the showers . I 'm not shy about my body . Never have been . I just wasn 't comfortable being around a bunch of naked guys back then , mostly because I never knew how my body would react . I figured it was just teenage hormones at the time , but looking back I guess it should have been obvious that there was a better reason for it . When the locker room was empty , I took off the last of my clothes and wrapped a towel around my waist , then headed to the shower . Now , here 's something I 've never understood . The showers in so many boys ' locker rooms are communal . The shower heads are either mounted on the wall in a straight line ( sometimes along two or three walls ) or they 're around a pole that stands in the center of the floor . Either way , you end up with a shower full of naked teenaged boys with no privacy . This is the time in a kid 's life when sexuality is constantly at the forefront of his mind . It 's also the time of his life other guys are mercilessly cruel . I could never understand how a bunch of sex crazed fifteen and sixteen year olds could shower together , jostling each other , slapping each others asses , trying to hit each other in the groin and not see anything " gay " about it . Yet at the same time , they single out the kid in the corner , the kid minding his own business , trying to go unnoticed , and call him a fag . It didn 't make sense then and it doesn 't make sense now . Anyway , our showers were set up with one large doorway , and then shower heads lining the left and right walls , as well as the far wall facing the entrance . On the rare occasion that I did have to shower with the other guys , I tried to get the first or last shower in the room , off in a corner . Since I was the only one in there this day , I took one in the center , facing the entrance , since they had the best water pressure . I suppose I could go off on a descriptive tangent , telling you how I soaped myself up and got turned on at the thought of the dark haired boy I couldn 't get off my mind , and then go into detail about how I relieved myself . The truth is , though , I didn 't do any of that . Sorry if that 's what you were expecting . I was running late ( which seemed to be the theme of the day ) for my appointment since I 'd waited for everyone to clear out of the locker room before I got undressed . So I hurried with my shower , dried off , and rushed to my locker . I wasn 't really thinking about what I was doing , so I didn 't wrap the towel around my waist like I had earlier . I just threw it over my shoulder and headed for my clothes . Just as I was bending over to put my underwear on , I heard a voice . " Oh , hey . I didn 't think anyone would still be here . Do you always hang around the guys ' locker room after school , or did you know I 'd be here ? " I looked up and saw him standing on the other side of the room , his locker wide open . I wanted to explain why I was in there so late . I mean it was a legitimate reason , right ? Instead , I said " How would I know you 'd be here . I wanted to be alone . " There wasn 't much I could say to that . I was afraid I 'd just put my foot further in my mouth , so I just shrugged and finished pulling up my underwear , just then realizing that I 'd been on display for him while he was talking to me . I immediately turned all shades of red . I don 't know why I that frustrated me , but it did . It really did . " Oh yeah ? Well , why are you in here after school ? You had gym last period . What , were you hoping to find me in here ? " As soon as the words left my mouth , I wished I could take them back . Great . He 's going to think I 'm hitting on him . Shit . He laughed . " As much fun as I 've had running into you today , I 'm afraid to tell you that you were the last thing on my mind when I came in . " He reached into the locker and pulled out a bag . " Laundry day . This shit 's getting ripe . Forgot it earlier , so here I am . Just had to pick up my drawers so my mom can wash them . Sorry to disappoint you . " It didn 't dawn on me until later that I actually was a little disappointed . " I 'm not disappointed . I 'm annoyed . Every time I turn around today , there you are making me look foolish . " And as I said this , while pulling up my jeans , I fell over , in his direction . He was across the room , though , so I didn 't fall into him this time . I swear to God I 'm not a clumsy person . I 'm not . Still , for the third time in one day , I was tripping over myself . In front of this guy . This really good looking guy . This guy who was … Ugh . His back was to me , but he was clearly laughing . " Sorry , " he said . " I can 't help it . All this time you 've been staring at me in the cafeteria , I thought you were trying to be smooth . Now I see you 're not smooth at all . Just out of curiosity , why have you been staring at me at lunch ? " I instantly denied it . I told him I look at everyone during lunch , that I was a people watcher . If he saw me looking at him now and then , it 's just because … just because … He shrugged . " Ok . Whatever . No big deal if you were . I 've got to get out of here before I 'm late for work . " He slammed his locker door and headed for the exit . Just before the door closed behind him , he stuck his head back in . " Oh , by the way , your shirt 's on backwards . And inside out . " With that , he was gone , and the door clicked shut . I looked down . He was right about my shirt . I was thankful that he 'd at least been kind enough not to mention the fact that my pants zipper was wide open . I shook my head and groaned . Could today get any worse ? I gathered up all my stuff , then thought about his dirty underwear . I mean , about what he 'd said about his drawers being ripe . It made me think about my own gym clothes , so I decided I might as well take them home to be washed . I grabbed them out of my locker , then locked it , and headed for the parking lot . I was lucky . I was one of the few sophomores to have my own car . My birthday was late in the school year , so I was a little older than most of the kids in my grade . One of the upsides to that was being able to drive myself to school . What wasn 't so lucky was that my car was a POS . Piece of shit . The front seat passenger side door didn 't latch , so it had to be held shut with a piece of rope . If I was driving alone , I could just tied the rope to the steering column . If someone was in the front seat with me , they had to hold the rope . I threw my bag and my books into the back seat and climbed behind the wheel . When I turned the key in the ignition , my eardrums almost exploded . When I got to school that morning , Billy Idol was on the radio and I had cranked up the volume all the way . I forgot to turn it off before getting out of the car , so when I started it , I was blasted with some Toto song . I made my way across the parking lot and around the building to the student exit . Just before pulling out into the road , I noticed a beat up old pick up in the far corner of the parking lot with the hood up . I knew I was going to be late for my doctor appointment , but I felt like I should see if the owner of the truck needed any help . It 's what my grandmother would have done . I hesitated just a few second before putting my car in reverse and heading over to the truck . When the owner come out from under the hood , I cussed out loud . Of course . It was him . Of course . Of course it was . Who else would be it today ? I thought about just driving away , but it was too late . He 'd already seen me and a grin replaced the scowl on his face . I exhaled loudly before turning off my car and climbing out . I shook my head , held up my hand , and interrupted him . " I don 't care . I don 't know what 's going on today , but I 've about had it with you . I don 't want you to talk to me . I don 't want to know what 's wrong with your truck . I 'm going to give you a ride to wherever it is you work , and then I 'm going to go to the doctor . He probably won 't see me because I 'm already late thanks to you , but whatever . You 're going to have to find your own ride home from work because I 'm not going to go pick you up . My car is a piece of shit , the passenger door doesn 't close , and you 're going to have to hold it shut with a piece of rope . You 're not going to say one word to me . You aren 't going to smirk . You aren 't going to laugh or grin . Nothing . If so much as a corner of your mouth perks up , I 'm kicking your ass out and you can walk . Now get in the fucking car . " I have no idea where any of that came from , and it certainly wasn 't typical of me . I 'd just had enough for the day . I wasn 't comfortable with the feelings I got when he was around me , and he was around me far too much today . I watched as he walked around the car and got in . I waited until he closed the door and had the rope in his hand before I got in . I started my engine and pulled out into the road . I drove half a block before I realized I didn 't know where I was taking him . " Oh , bullshit . Haha , I get it . I told you not to talk to me , so now you 're not going to tell me where you 're going , right ? " " Fine , you 're going to the doctor 's with me . " I assumed that when he heard that , he 'd stop being stupid and tell me where he needed to go . He didn 't , though . I wasn 't about to let him win , so I turned my radio back on and drove right to the doctor 's office . When we got there , he let go of the rope , watched the door swing open on its own , and got out of the car . He looked back at me , smiled , nodded his head , and walked across the street to a small chinese food place . I watched him go in . I waited for him to come back out . After a few minutes , I looked at the building I was parked in front of and then looked at my watch . I was twenty five minutes late for my appointment . Screw it , I thought to myself , then headed across the street . I figured he was in there using their phone , and I felt kind of bad for the way I 'd talked to him . If he wasn 't able to get a ride , I 'd offer to drop him off at his home or his work . When I walked in the front door , there was no one in sight . I stood there for a couple of minutes before he came out of the back . " Oh , sorry , the hostess is on the phone . " I looked at him . He was wearing a white apron . " Are you dining in or is it a to - go order ? " He looked at me like I had two heads . " You know , I never got the impression that you were slow before . Now I 'm wondering if that might explain how weird you are . " " You 're in a chinese restaurant . You don 't want to order anything . You keep saying ' what ' to me . What else am I supposed to think ? " I would never end my own life , nor would I give up fighting if my life were in danger , so don 't go getting any ideas from this post , ok ? But I don 't want to get old . I dread it . It 's something I never really gave much thought to . I joke about being dead by the time I 'm 50 , and if I 'm not , I 'll take pills and booze , and just go . Like I said , I wouldn 't really do that , but I just can 't imagine being older than that . I grew up in and around nursing homes . I know about quality of life . I 've seen the old , frail folks , and I 've seen the young , spry old folk . I 've seen wives in the home who 's 90 year old husband comes to see them and just bounds up the steps with a spring in his step . But it doesn 't matter . Because they 're old . They can 't do things they used to do . I really don 't want to hear the crap about " You can do anything you want ! " None of that " it 's all in your head , a 90 year old can do what a 50 year old can do ! " It 's just not true . And I don 't want to get old . I can 't say that I 'm scared , really . I 'm not . I 'm a little put off by not knowing what the future holds , though . Most people start getting ready for retirement when they 're half my age . Me ? I got nothing . No savings . No IRAs . No CDs or bonds . Nothing . Hell , I 'll be lucky to get $ 100 a month in social security . I 'm not going to let Kellen take care of me . I assume we 'll be together , but I don 't want him to support me . It 's bad enough now that he supports me , but to let him do it when I 'm old will just be … I don 't know . Bad . A lot of it is that I look back and realize I 've done nothing in life . No , this isn 't one of those woe is me stories . I know I 've touched people . I 've probably even saved lives . I 'm sure there are people who 's lives are better for knowing me . But I haven 't done anything . I toyed with the idea of a bucket list . A cruise , rock climbing , etc . The truth is , though , that I won 't do anything like that . Why not ? Because it 's not the kind of person I am . I 'm the kind of person who sits and watches , and then wishes I 'd done it . So why not change ? Again , because that 's just the kind of person I am . I can 't say it makes me happy , exactly , but I have a feeling that being unsettled in life is what I feel most comfortable with , if that makes any sense . It does in my head , but not logically … So I 'll sit and watch old age approach . No diet , no change in physical activity , no monetary security is going to change it . And I 'll dread every minute of it while doing nothing to change it . Because that 's just who I am . And again , not to be woe is me , but it 's times like this that I … well , I really don 't like myself much . Yes , I 'm a nice guy , a good person , have a great heart , and all that crap . But it doesn 't change me . You know what brought all this on ? Nip / Tuck . The 40 year old ex - wife on the show is thinking about going to med school . I sit and wonder if I should go back to school . I won 't qualify for financial aid , I have no job , and I won 't let Kellen pay for it . I like school , but I hate studying . And while I think about maybe going back to school , I think back on my unsuccessful attempts at education . I graduated high school at 20 . I didn 't start college until I was in my mid - 30s . I never finished . I have enough credits for at least an associates , but I 'm missing a credit or two that are required for any type of paper . In four years , I could be a teacher . In two years , I could be a nurse . In one year , I could be a paramedic . Teacher is what has been on my mind the most lately . But you know what ? I 'm 42 years old and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up . The really sucky thing is that , through fault that is only my own , I have such a shitty job history that even if I do go and finish whatever type of schooling , no one will hire me , because I 'd be almost 50 , have had held at least 25 jobs in my life , and only two or three of them for more than a year , but none for even two years . That is because I have a short temper , very little patience for idiots , and don 't like being told what to do . I have the hardest time keeping my mouth shut when I should , and I gossip even when I don 't mean to . I 'm a 42 year old with the mentality of a 12 year old . So … yeah . I don 't think this is even a midlife crisis . I think it 's just me finally facing life and reality . I don 't want to grow old . I don 't want to be old . I regret so much in life . Most of all , I regret that I set such a bad example for my kids . They have my short temper , my little patience , and my inability to keep their mouth shut . When they get angry or frustrated , they say things they regret , just like I do . I never took care of them financially , depending on Eileen to be the bread winner . I barely pay child support , paying it here and there when I 'm able . Granted , when I 'm working , she gets almost my entire paycheck , just because I want to catch up , but still . Even when I was there full time , I was still a dead beat dad . I never took care of them like I should . I 'm not proud of it . I 'm ashamed of it , actually . I just finally accept , too late , that I 'm the one responsible for my failures . And my kids , they look at me and see the dad who just wants to have fun , who doesn 't keep a job . And now … it 's just too late to change that . I know they love me . I know they will say I 've been a good dad , but when they 're in their 30s , they 'll look back and realize the truth . Maybe that 's why I don 't want to be old . In fact , reading back on this , what I said up there towards the beginning isn 't quite true . I 'm pretty sure what the future holds . I see myself growing old alone . I ' l have driven Kellen away because he shouldn 't be 45 taking care of a 65 year old , and my kids - although they love me and will love me - will be the kind of family to me that I was to them as they grew up . And I 'll be that old person in the nursing home with a nurse aid sitting next to me during the kitchen cooked Christmas dinner because she had to work the holiday , trying to keep me in good cheer . I love God . I really , really do . There are times when I see beauty - be it a rainstorm , pristine white snow , Lake Tahoe , a newborn baby sleeping peacefully , two people in love , a stranger lending a hand - and I 'm overwhelmed with love for Him . The thing is that my hatred of church and religion tends to keep me from trying to be close to God . I personally believe that everyone worships the same God . Some may call him Buddha , some may call him God , some may call him Mother Nature , some may worship him as thousands of separate gods , but in the end , I think it 's all the same being . I choose to call him God . When we die , I think that this being , my God , takes those who truly love to the place they want to be . Whatever form heaven is to you , I think that 's where your God will take you when you die . I love God . I thank Him every day for putting me in a spot where my eyes were open to just how hateful a religion I 'd grown up in . I thank him for showing me that the only thing that matters is a good , kind , loving heart . I don 't think God really cares what we do as long as we love our fellow man and as long as we aren 't hurting anyone else . I think all he wants from us is for us to love each other , to help each other when it 's needed , to encourage and support each other . And for this reason , I believe that , in spite of my being a grand ol ' whore , in spite of my love of dirty words , in spite of my awful , sick , twisted sense of humor , in spite of anything bad I see in myself … I believe that because I love people , because I want to help other people , because I 'm miserable if I see someone else miserable , because I can 't stand to see someone in need and refuse to sit by and not help , I believe that , when I die , God will reward me with whatever vision of a paradise I hold in my heart . I don 't really have a point to all this , other than to say that sometimes I really miss going to church . I know people will say that there are churches out there that don 't preach hate . There are churches that teach only love . Churches that accept people for who they are , that don 't condemn others . But I just don 't believe that . I believe that no matter how loving and innocent a church appears , how truly Christ - like it seems to be , ALL churches have their own ulterior motives . I don 't miss being around other churchies . I don 't miss the preaching . What I miss is the music . The songs . The hymns . I have all kinds of spiritual music that I listen to , and sometimes it just moves me to the point where I just want to stand up and wrap my arms around God and never let go . This whole post may sound moody or sad , but it 's really not . I just … I feel the urge to proudly say that I love my God . A lot of people in my life say they can 't understand how I 've gotten so far from Him , but the truth is that I 'm closer to Him than I 've ever been , and I don 't understand how THEY can be so FAR from Him and not realize it , how they can think they 're actually CLOSE to him . They don 't believe me when I say I love Him and that I 'm close to Him . So , I 'm here , now , telling you , my friends , that I love God with all that I 'm capable of loving Him with . Once , in high school , oh so many years ago , I was standing and talking to a couple of girls who I must have considered to be somewhat friendly with . I mean , why else would I be standing and talking to them ? They were wearing cheer uniforms . I can 't remember if they were cheerleaders or Raiderettes , but I remember the uniforms . Anyway , we were standing right under the second floor walkway . We were laughing about something , and all of a sudden a huge gob of spit / phlegm landed on my shoulder from above . There was laughter , but the offender was nowhere to be seen . I remember one of the girls laughing , and the other saying " Gross ! " I recently asked on Facebook how long was too long to carry a grudge . I asked if it is better to mention a hurtful incident to a perpetrator now after so long , or to let it go . The majority said to let it go and not mention it . I just finished reading a book about a high school shooting . Things festered and finally boiled over into gunfire . The final straw was someone having their headphones jerked out of their ears . The book was about the long lasting effects the shooting had on everyone , even those who weren 't shot . And how more than the shooting , it was the little things before the shooting that haunted these people so much . People wondering if maybe they 'd stood up for a bullied victim just once , would the shooting have been avoided . If that one girl had apologized for tripping another , would they have avoided the nightmare that eventually happened . It got me to thinking . I think even the nicest among us had that someone that we weren 't so nice to . I can think of one guy who everyone thought was so great . Such a nice guy , always smiling , always friendly . A guy who would never make anyone else uncomfortable . They never saw him picking at that one poor kid who never looked at anyone wrong . They never saw him making lewd sexual taunts to the kid . Or the cheerleader who was known the complete opposite of what most cheerleaders were perceived to be . Would her image have been tarnished if people heard her calling another girl fat behind her back ? Or would that cheerleader have felt bad had she known that the overweight girl actually did hear the comment ? This goes the other way , too . A good many kids were seen as bullies . Most of them deserved the reputation . But what about that one who , when by himself , saw another kid ready to jump off of a bridge , and stopped to talk to him , to get him to sit down , and think about things ? How would that act of kindness altered the bully 's life ? We think that after 25 years , we should be over these things . We think they should be forgotten . After all , we 've grown , and we 're not those people anymore . But is it true ? Have we changed that much ? I see some of the bullies from high school are now on Facebook . I read some of the comments they make or look at some of their pictures , and I think " She 's still as much of a bitch as she ever was . " The truth is that a lot of people carry that pain with them for a lifetime . One or two incidents , sure , maybe we can forget those . But when you go through your entire high school career facing that crap every day , it 's kind of hard to forget it , even 25 years later . There is a Facebook friend who I adore . She was one of a very small few who I never , ever saw belittle anyone , and who actually stood up for the bullied more than once . Sadly , I think this type of person is far too few to be found . Then , there 's the second type . The bully who apologizes years later , and turns out to be a very decent chap , one who is actually enjoyable to relate to , even if it is on the internet . But there are also those who will probably never be forgotten or forgiven . The ones who probably still don 't see anything wrong with what they did . The ones who , if told that their child was bullying someone , would grin and say " Kids will be kids , " and then laugh about it with the child . There are three names from Stroman and one from Bandera who will always be that bully to me . People who , if they were to apologize to me today , I 'd turn my back on them . Because I think they fall in to that last category . Which makes it all moot , because since they fall in to the last category , they 'd never actually apologize . Anyway , my point to this is that you never know when something you 've said or done is going to come back at you . You have no way of knowing how something you say now will still have a negative impact on someone 's self esteem 25 years later . Because , yes , I 'm still haunted by that spit . If I go someplace where people are standing at a higher level , I 'm unable to enjoy myself because I 'm watching for spitters or looking for another place to stand . But it 's about more than high school . It 's about now . Think before you speak . Think before you act . The only time it 's too late to take it back is after you 've done it . Shootings don 't just happen in high school . They happen in college . They happen in the work place . They happen in nursing homes . So , to anyone that I 've ever said a hurtful word to or done something mean to , I apologize . Sincerely . I 'm still bothered by a few words said years ago , so I can imagine that something I 've done can still bother someone . So , again , whether you 're a real life friend , an old friend , or just an internet acquaintance , I 'm sorry if I 've ever hurt you . 35 years ago , my grandmother took me to JC Penney . We parked on the street in front of the store , walked down the street to look in the store window of another store at something , then walked back up the street and into JC Penney . From the sales counter , almost an island of sorts , a lady looked over , smiled sincerely , and said " Hey , how are you ? Let me know if I can help you . Would you like a cup of coffee or something while you shop ? " My grandmother told me I could have a soda , and the lady gave me a can of Dr Pepper . The store was small . You could see everything in it from the front door . This was a JC Penney . It wasn 't in a mall . It wasn 't a giant department store with escalators and grumpy floor clerks . I feel sorry for the generations younger than mine . They 'll never get to experience something like that . Genuine , friendly hospitality offered from the heart , not with a profit as the reason behind it . We 'd go to the bank , and the manager would come out to chat . My grandmother would hand him her deposit , and we 'd leave . No need to see the teller , no need for a receipt . One hot afternoon , we stepped inside of a hardware store . An old man hurried over to see how he could help us . My grandmother told him " Oh , I 'm sorry , we really just came in to get out of the heat for a minute . " The man smiled and told her to take all the time she needed , and brought over a folding chair for her to sit on . A few minutes later , he brought her some ice water , and brought me a popsicle . We didn 't buy anything , but when we left , he told us thank you for coming in and to come back anytime . When I was a kid , if I wanted to hang out with a friend , I 'd walk over to his house to see if he could come out and play . If he did , we 'd spend out day roaming around . If he couldn 't , I 'd walk back home and play outside by myself , until another friend would come by to see if I could go wandering . Today , it 's not like that . The ten year old will take out a cell phone and call his friend . if his friend can 't do anything , the ten year old will go inside and turn on the Wii . I don 't get it at all . My generation had it the best as kids . I 'd give anything to have that again . And it really frustrates me to think that it 's my generation , the one that had it the best , that has let its kids turn into a generation that would scoff at having what we had as kids . A kid today would rather go to the mall or WalMart than to step in to an old family owned shop . " I do . I know you do . I love you , too . This is for the best , though . You know it is . I want you to be happy . You can 't be happy like this . " " I 'm not talking about me . I 'm talking about you . I know this is killing you . Let me stay . I want to do it . For you . " He couldn 't argue that . There 'd been enough lies and he wasn 't going to add to them by denying that what she said was the truth . He took her in his arms and held her . He could smell her shampoo and that thought that he 'd never smell that smell again broke him . He let her go , told her again that he was always going to love her , picked up his bags , and walked out the door . Forty five minutes later he was at the airport , standing in front of a payphone . " Hi . It 's me . Yeah . No . I 'm not ok at all . Listen , I 'll be at PHL in about three hours . Can you pick me up ? Thanks . I 'll see you then . " Turning around , he saw Cory standing behind . " Cory ! How 'd ? You ? I mean , I just saw you over there , " he said , pointing at the baggage claim . Eric didn 't pay attention to the sarcasm . " It 's good to see you , little bro ! What are you doing here ? You sounded upset on the phone . " " Things ? What kind of things ? Fun things ? Cool things ? Or bad things ? Like money stuff . Because money stuff isn 't fun . Unless it 's winning and spending money , but usually money stuff means - " " Ok " The older Matthews pulled a cell phone out of his pocket . " Let me call home and make sure it 's ok . It shouldn 't be a problem , though . " " Mind ? Nah . " Eric 's mind came up with a lot of silly things to say , but some part of him knew that now wasn 't the time to be the brainless dolt he had the reputation for being . " It 's good to see you Cory . Whatever 's going on , it 'll work itself out . You 'll see . Come on . " He picked up Cory 's bag and threw his other arm around his brother 's shoulders , walking him to the car in silence . " Yeah . I stay up late when I 'm home , but I 'm usually working late shifts , so I 'll just stay on the couch . I can move into here whenever you get up . It 's all good . " " Thanks Eric . I appreciate it . " He saw the worry on his brother 's face . " I 'm fine , Eric . I 'll tell you about it later . Right now , I just need to sort it all out in my own mind . We 'll talk , ok ? " " I 'll be ready when you are . I need to go do some things , but if you need to talk , you have my cell number , ok ? " He waited for a reply , then closed the door behind him on his way out of the room . A moment later , Cory heard the front door open and close . It wasn 't long before he was asleep . When he woke up , he saw that it was dark outside . He looked for a clock , but didn 't see one . He got up and walked in to the living room . " Eric ? Hello ? Anyone ? " Apparently , he was the only one in the place . Eric wasn 't home yet , and the roommate , who 's name he didn 't know , wasn 't there either . He walked into the small kitchen area and opened the door to the refrigerator . All he found was some beer and an empty pizza box . It figures , he thought to himself . Taking a bottle of beer , he closed the door and walked over to the couch . The thoughts started running through his head and trying to shake them away didn 't do any good . He opened his beer and took a long drink . " Ugh . Why did open this ? I hate beer ! " He took another drink . He felt lost . What was he going to do now ? He felt like such a loser . He should have just kept his mouth shut that night . But no . Not Cory Matthews . Once again , because of his mouth , he was in a mess . He knew he wouldn 't be going back to New York . He 'd never liked it there . He 'd only gone for Topanga . But he didn 't think he 'd be able to stay in Philly , either . He had no idea what was going to happen to him or where he 'd go from here . He got up from the couch and took another gulp of the beer before setting it on the coffee table . There were a few doors in the place , and he figured one of them was the door to the bathroom . He walked to the one closest to him and found a closet . The second door revealed the same . He opened the third door and saw the other bedroom . Seeing someone else 's stuff in Eric 's apartment reminded him that he needed to call Eric and make sure that this guy - assuming it was a guy - knew he was there . He closed the door and moved on to the next one and was glad to see it was what he was looking for . It may have been Eric 's place , but he felt like he was snooping , opening all those doors . He walked in and closed and locked the door behind him . A pile of dirty laundry confirmed that Eric 's roomie was , indeed , a guy . Eric has always been a boxers kind of guy . Still was , from what Cory 'd seen on the bedroom floor . The pile on this floor had a couple of pairs of tighty whities . Without thinking , he picked a pair up and looked at them . Medium . Interesting . Same size Cory himself wore . He put them back down and stripped naked . He climbed in the shower and turned on the water , closing the curtain as an afterthought . As he was lathering his hair , he heard a knock at the door and a voice saying something . " Shit . Sorry Eric ! I 'll be right out . " At least , that 's what he meant to say , but facing the shower head , he ended up gargling warm water . He heard the door open and figured Eric had one of those little pokie - thingies that you put in the tiny hole to unlock the door from the outside . He heard the faucet on the sink turn on and the medicine cabinet door open and close . He quickly rinsed off and turned off the water , then opened the curtain to reach for a towel . He wasn 't concerned about being naked . He and Eric had seen each other naked plenty of times and never thought anything of it . " Grrrory ! " Shawn Hunter about choked on the toothbrush in his mouth . Cory Matthews was the last person he expected to see standing in the shower . His eyes dropped , then quickly looked away . Cory saw the look and looked down , realizing for the first time that he was standing in front of his old friend in his birthday suit . " Oh shit ! " He closed the curtain so fast that he almost ripped it off the hooks . He stuck his head back out . " Shawn ! What are you doing - Oh , no way . YOU ' RE Eric 's roommate ? " Shawn spit in the sink and wiped his face . " Yeah . What are you doing here ? " he asked , still kind of shocked . Shocked both by the fact that Cory was there and that he 'd just seen Cory naked . In all the many years they 'd been friends , they 'd never seen each other in anything less than underwear . Cory heard the question and it brought back to mind the reason he was back in Philadelphia . Hearing it from Shawn , his old best friend , made something snap inside . The tears started again and he groaned , before slumping to the floor of the tub , pulling the curtain down and around him . He sat there sobbing for a moment before Shawn dropped to his knees and grabbed him in an awkward hug and held on to him . " Cory ? What is it ? Are your parents ok ? Morgan ? " Cory kept crying and Shawn held on , waiting until his friend was able to pull himself together a bit . Cory finally stopped crying and looked up at Shawn . Shawn . His buddy . His pal . The only person he - Shawn . Throwing out the beer bottle Cory 'd left on the coffee table , Shawn grabbed a fresh one from the fridge . He walked back to the couch and sat next to his friend . He leaned forward and grabbed a slice of pizza out of the box he 'd brought home from work . Delivering pizzas wasn 't a glamorous job , but for now it paid some bills . It would do until he figured out what he wanted to do next in life . He leaned back and looked at Cory . He was a little worried . Cory hadn 't said anything since blurting out the news that his marriage was over . Shawn figured the guy would talk when he was ready . Until then , he 'd just sit with him and be there for him . " That 's kind of heavy , Cory . I don 't understand . You guys love each other . You 're right together . What happened ? " " What happened ? What didn 't happen ? Stuff happened . Money stuff , to start with . Money stuff 's never good stuff . Unless you 're winning the money and then spending the money , but who wins money ? No one . That 's who . Sure , we paid our bills , but it wasn 't enough . But you know what ? We managed . We got past it . Like always . Why ? Because we 're Cory and Topanga . We 're the couple that gets tv shows made based on our lives . " " And don 't even get me started on kids . I told her … TOLD her that it didn 't matter . We could adopt . And we could have . Kids . Kids are kids , right ? They 're little , they 're messy , and they 're loud . Why not adopt ? But no . That wasn 't an answer . " " Oh yeah . Adopt . Apparently , ' little Cory ' can 't do his part in the making babies department . How 's that for a slap in the face ? I finally grow up , but my balls decide they want to stay in their childhood . " " Yep . Infertile . Or whatever a guy is . I make the little suckers , but not enough for them to reach their destination . They stop for a layover and never get back on the plane . Make their home in the What 's - It - To - Ya canal ! Shit . What 's the point in having sex if the end result is a bunch of lazy sperm ? " Shawn put a piece of pizza in Cory 's mouth and spoke quickly , while he had a chance . " So , Topanga 's divorcing you because you can 't make babies ? Come on , Cory , that doesn 't sound like Topanga . " Cory grabbed the beer from Shawn 's hand and took a drink , then thrust it back into the hand from where it came . " Damn it . I hate beer . Why do I keep doing that ? " He stood up and walked into the bathroom , then came back out . " I need to fix that curtain . No . That 's not why she 's ending it . I could understand that . But no . You know what ? I think I 'm kind of drunk . How do I get kind of drunk from three drinks of a beer ? " Shawn tried not to laugh . " Um , Cory ? Are you forgetting the four beers you had after the shower ? Getting dressed , not liking the shirt , and changing three times ? Those beers ? You know , while you single handedly ate that whole other pizza ? " Cory stopped in place , turned around three hundred sixty degrees , and looked at Shawn . " I did ? Shit . Next time , remind me that I don 't like beer , ok ? " " Hey . These are medium . And . And . And they 're Fruit of the Loom . I wear medium Fruit of the Loom , Shawn ! What are the odds of that ? " " Oh . I did . Well . Well . Ok . " With the pronouncement of it being ok , he sat on the floor . " I said fuck . I don 't say fuck , Shawn . I don 't sayanything more than shit . Why 'd I say fuck ? " " Yeah , I think so , too . " Cory felt really tired all of a sudden and closed his eyes to think about what to say next . He was about to tell Shawn something important . But he couldn 't remember what it was . He did know that he said fuck , though , and it felt good . With his eyes closed , and the words slurred , he tried talking to Shawn again . " Hey , Shawn ? " Shawn didn 't reply . There was no need . Cory was out . Shawn set his beer bottle down and walked over to his friend . He squatted down and pulled Cory up , picked him up , and carried him to his own bedroom . He thought about Eric 's room , but he wasn 't sure of the sleeping arrangements , so he figured it was for the best . He laid Cory on his bed , then went to get a wet wash cloth . Coming back , he carefully undressed the boy . No , he thought to himself , he 's not a boy anymore . He undressed the other man , stripped him down to his underwear , then stopped to laugh . Cory wasn 't wearing medium Fruit of the Looms . He was wearing blue Hanes . Trying not to jostle Cory too much , he managed to maneuver him under the sheets . Standing up , Shawn walked to the door and turned off the lights . He looked back at the sleeping form and couldn 't help himself . He gave into the urge , walked back over to Cory , bent down , brushed the curls from his forehead , and gave him a gentle kiss where the curls had been . " I love you , too , Cor , " he whispered . " Don 't worry . We 'll get you through this . Together . That 's what friends are for . Right ? " With that , he walked quietly out of the room . He folded out the couch and made himself comfortable . Finishing the beer he 'd started and eating another slice of pizza , he went over what Cory 'd told him . Money problems . Fertility problems . But Cory had told him those weren 't the reasons for the divorce . He thought about calling Topanga . Not tonight , though . I 'll call her in a couple of days if he doesn 't get any better . He finished the beer in one swallow and set the bottle on the little table at the end of the couch . Turning on the television , he laid back and faded off to sleep . It wasn 't long before he was nudged awake . I went to bed about 5 : 00 this morning . Our windows were open and there was a nice breeze going through . From my side of the bed , I can lay on my left side and look out the window through a space between the window and the curtain . I was thinking about zombie attacks and how we 'd be safe in our apartment , up here on the third floor . I do that often , think about zombie attacks and the things we 'd do . Like breaking through the wall to the adjoining apartment , or through the floor to the apartment beneath us , just so we 'd have access to more supplies . I 'd totally survive a zombie attack . A real zombie attack , I mean , with slow , stupid zombies , not super zombies that can run and climb and think . At that moment , I thought I heard a door close INSIDE THE APARTMENT ! I started trying to remember if I 'd locked the door behind me when I came in from my middle of the night trip to WalMart . I had to go buy some peaches because I was craving them badly and the ones I have are mutated , so I needed fresh ones . And again , that has nothing to do with this story … So , I lifted my head , trying to see in the dark and figure out if I had actually heard someone in the apartment . Our bedroom has a short " hallway " between the room and the doorway . I could see the faint glow of the light from the wii - mote charger in the other room in the hallway , so I knew the bedroom door was open , and I was watching for shadows . After a minute , I figured the wind had knocked something over , and I went back to looking out the window , resuming my zombie train of thought . A few seconds later , I heard a door close INSIDE THE APARTMENT ! I knew for a fact that I hadn 't imagined it . I looked towards the hallway , and THE LIGHT FROM THE CHARGER WAS GONE ! My mind went into overdrive . The wind had died down , so it was impossible that the wind had blown it shut ! I strained to hear anything , and started debating whether I should wake Kellen up . Then I noticed that I could still see some faint light coming in , so I knew the door must have still been open . Which meant that something OR SOMEONE had unplugged the charger for the wii - mote ! If someone ever breaks in , the first thing I 'm going to do when they enter the room is lift my head and shout in fear " JESUS CHRIST ! " Fortunately for me , the intruder was just Kellen . While I was staring out the window , he got out of bed to go to the bathroom and I didn 't notice . Yes , he 's that quiet and lightweight that he can get out of bed without me feeling it . The door I 'd heard was the bathroom door , and the light I thought was the wii - mote charger was actually the bathroom light under the door . What 's the point in being angry ? Think about it . You 're given x amount of time to live your life . It 's like a lottery in reverse . Instead of hitting a jackpot , you 're about to hit empty . The thing is , you have no gauge to see how much time you have left . So , why bother with anger ? Yeah , it 's a natural reaction . Deal with it . Get angry , recognize , and step down . Life may be too short , it may not , but it 's life . It 's for living . Anger contributes to dying . So , stop being angry . Live instead . Find out what forgiveness means to you and practice it . What if the person you love most in this world makes you angry tonight ? You let them know . And what if he or she dies before you make up ? The last moment you will have had with him or her is an angry one . Why risk it ? Get angry , breathe , then laugh it off . It 's a good philosophy . The world would be a better place if people would realize it . Guess what , I 'm pissed off . Let me buy you a drink and tell you a joke . See ? No more war . Just eating , drinking , and being merry . So … get pissed ! See red ! Be furious ! Now suck it up , be glad you 're alive , and tell someone you love them . The best person to tell is that person that you 're angry with right now .