My baby died one month before he was to be born . My baby 's eyes never saw , his feet never traveled , his voice was never heard . Here is my attempt to take him through the world with me . My baby boy 's name is Frost , he lives in my heart . These are my letters to Frost . I 'm going to start reading a new book today , Frost . I have a feeling it will be magical . I have a feeling that it will make my view of things change . It is a book for children and its copyright date is 1950 . The illustrations are dated , so much so that they are popular again . I like looking at images that were created by the stroke of a brush rather than the click of a mouse . I was so excited today when I found this book , it was one I had been searching for . It was one I knew that I wanted to read to you and your sister . When I read it will you come sit next to me and listen to my mind ? I want you to read it with me . I want to hear your little voice ask questions about the beauty of the Princess . I want to see your little nose crinkle at the thought of the evil Duke . As I look at each page I want you to give me your interpretation of the words . I want to read it as if I were still young . And I want you to help me do it . I want to read it with innocence . I want to believe the nonsense portrayed by the characters . I want to be carried into the fantasy world and live there for a little while , like I remember doing when I was a child . Books still carry me away , but not the same way they did when I was first discovering books . Could you take me there ? I think that it would help me feel as though I were a part of something . Something shared with you . I think that being a little disconnected with my reality would bring me closer to you since you are no longer my reality . The memory of what could have been is all that I have here . I want to go where what could have been still can be . My book will take me there with you , just for a little while . Night , night FrostMama loves you . A few years ago , I can 't remember how many , I went to the library and came across a book . I was browsing in the over - sized section and read the title on one of the books spines . It said Sleeping Beauties , so I pulled it off the shelf and opened it . At the time I was shocked , I began turning the pages and found myself looking at photograph after photograph of dead people . These were old photos , probably from around the turn of the century . The people were dressed nicely and many of them were posed on chairs as if they were living . In some there were entire families posed together , I 'm assuming they had died from the same illness . Looking at these images I began to feel horrible , I felt a quiver inside of my chest and kept shaking my head to try and ease some of its confusion . But I looked longer , too long I think . The pictures that were the hardest for me to take in were those of children and infants . I began to realize then why the people were posed and dressed so well . It was because most of them had probably never had their picture taken before , cameras were not common items then . This was their only chance to keep the face of their loved ones in the physical world . Their last reminder . I still did not like that I had seen those photos . I felt like I was invading a sacred place , I felt like I was intruding upon a place of mourning . I did not belong there . I closed the book and returned it to the shelf . Once when I went to the library while I was pregant with you Frost , I found myself in the vacinity of that book . I kept my eyes lowered so that I would not be able to see if it was there on the shelf . I had a vague memory of the pictures in my head and I did not want to see the babies again , not ever , especially not while you were inside of me . I turned and walked away . A month or two later we were told that you had died . We had to go home to get ready for the delivery and to be alone for a bit . Your Daddy and his Mom began talking about having pictures of you taken , and I panicked . Other family members started toPosted by I had a doctor 's appointment today . It 's a little hard to go to the office because that is where we first learned that you didn 't have a heart beat . I go there and sit , they don 't make me wait very long . I like my doctor , she answers my worries , she is real . I ask her about being pregnant again . If it will be safe , we have to see what the tests say . There will be precautions taken no matter what . We know things now . I tell her that we will wait until our hearts are ready . But I should ask you Frost . I should ask you if it is okay if I have another baby . You should have a say whether or not we hold another little life . I hope you know that if the time arrives when my belly is full again that your place with us is safe . Your life changed our lives in so many ways . You touched us more than anyone else could . I think I 'll know that when my heart is ready that means that you have said , " Okay , it 's okay you need a baby , I 'll send you the perfect one . " I have always been one to look out of windows . I 'm just drawn to them . I would stare out of the glass at birds , neighbors and falling rain . I could spot stranger cats chasing down baby rabbits , and neighborhood kids hitting eachother and laughing . I would look out the window and see things that needed to change , but I never went outside to tend to the things myself . I left things the way they were or waited for someone else to fix it . I always watch from behind the glass . When you left us Frost , you left a door open . I 'm pretty sure that your Mama is getting ready to walk through it . Night , night FrostMama loves you . I had a dream one night not to long ago , your Daddy was in the dream . In the dream he shaved his beard , after he shaved it I saw his face , it was him but his smile was different and then the rest of his face changed . It was a boy 's face , a boy I hadn 't seen before , but I knew the face . I was so comfortable with the new face I saw . The boy was a teenager . I 've dreamt of people I have never met or seen before and I always wonder where do they come from ? How does my mind create these images for my nighttime self ? I try to think of different people I know and put their faces together in new combinations . I think maybe my mind likes to blend what I like from strangers into new people who will never exist . I have dreamt of hundreds of makebelieve strangers throughout my life , some of them I kind of remember and others I wouldn 't have recalled ten minutes after waking . But the smiling boy I saw in my sleep , I don 't think he was a stranger at all . I think that that face came from Jessica and George . A mother and father who stumbled into a dream and woke up without a baby . The dream I had that night was a gift . I don 't know if it was a gift from you Frost , or if I gave it to myself . I will never forget the face I saw through closed eyes . He was just what I expected . Night , night FrostMama loves you . Tonight was hard . I was hugging your sister good night and she has started calling me " Mom " . No more " Mamma " or " Mommy " . She is getting older . This gives me a bit of an ache . I laid down with her for awhile and started thinking about baby Hadley . She took her first breath and felt our kisses and answered our love . We saw her eyes smile as she introduced herself to the world . I thought about one year old Hadley , she was so curious and gentle as she took her first steps . We saw her little feet begin their dance with the world . I thought about two year old Hadley , her toddler language would confuse and thrill us at the same time . We heard her begin her great dialog with the world . I thought about three year old Hadley , she began preschool this year and created priceless works of art for us . We saw her paint the world . I thought about four year old Hadley , she fell in love for the first time with a little boy , pure love . We saw her open her heart to the world . I thought about five year old Hadley , she began to read words , then sentences , then paragraphs . We saw her write her story to the world . I thought about six year old Hadley , her ideas and creativity blossomed . We saw her passions run through the world . I thought about seven year old Hadley , she learned about you , she became a big sister . We saw her carry the weight of the world . These seven years with Hadley have given us a joy that can never be taken away by time . How I wanted to have these years with you Frost , but time has already taken this away from us . Your years will be spent in Heaven away from us and the only thing I can do is imagine what would have been if you had stayed here for Hadley 's eighth year . I thought about one year old Frost and he was an Angel , we felt him smile down at the world . Night , night FrostMama loves you . I have a book that I love , it is from my childhood . It is a short little paperback picture book . It is called Bear By Himself . Bear is an enchanting little character who never talks he just is . He has always calmed me , he is so content with what he has . He is by himself throughout the entire book . Through rain and night , sunshine and thinking , he is alone and he is happy with that . I admire him for this . When I am alone I feel speed up and a little lost , I cannot catch my way . I feel it more now , like I am missing something dear , something that I need . Of course that is you Frost , I have felt it before but never like now . Bear seems to have found a way to find his something within himself . I need to learn to do this , but right now I can 't even find the door to my heart . I know that when I do find it it will not be locked , it will open for me . I just have to find my way through a maze that a very curious gardener has planted around me . I am sure that you are at the center of my maze and have already entered the door . When I get there with you , being alone will be nice . I wanted to read Bear By Himself to you . I know that you would be the kind of boy who could find your true self on a rainy day in a mud puddle . I think I will read it to you . Just listen for the quiet , okay . Night , night FrostMama loves you . Your Daddy had to start back to work this weekend , Frost . It 's been hard for him , going back to where he was before you died . He wakes up too early for work . He used to wake up at 3 : 00am now he wakes up at 1 : 00am and cannot sleep again . He thinks of you and his mom . And then he has to drive in the dark . That time alone I 'm sure is filled with so much pain . He won 't tell me about it because he knows I will cry . He tells me about some of the hard times he has at work but I know that he keeps so much of it to himself . He 's trying to protect your mama , Frost . His pain is doubled , he lost the woman who brought him into the world , the woman who nurtured and created his own infant self . And he lost you , the infant who he learned to love through the loving attention of his mother . Frost could you please give your Daddy a sweet dream tonight so that he won 't wake up too early . A dream with you in it , because I know that if he could hold you again , even in a dream , he could find some peace . Especially if you could smile for him for the first time . Night , night FrostMama loves you . I have never seen the ocean , so I cannot tell you about it Frost . I have never flown in a plane , I do not know how it feels to be in the air . I have not been in a castle or walked the Great Wall of China . I have never experienced any of these miracles and yet I exist in the same world as they do . I am closer to these things physically than I can ever be to you again , but I do not know them the way that I know you . You are my heart . Someday maybe I 'll see the ocean or walk in the rainforest , but all the beauty in this world won 't compare to the day that I can see you again . I wish that I could make a place that would fill my heart up when I entered it the way that I know holding you alive and safe would . I wish that I could find you in trees and sculptures and clouds and cathedrals , but I cannot . I tried . Maybe in the short time since you left us you have done and seen all of the things I have not . Maybe somehow you could bring them to me and show me how to find beauty in them . How to find you . Night , night FrostMama loves you . Frost , I 've noticed that since we lost you everything that meant something to me before has changed its meaning . The songs that first made me long for a loving boyfriend now make me dream of my sleeping son . The poetry I remember reading when I was a teenager , those words all lead my mind to you now . You have become " The Road Not Taken " and an " Ode to a Nightingale " . The red bird I saw singing in the woods on the tip - top of the tallest tree one spring morning when I was younger than eight , well now I think that bird was singing of you . I 've always wondered why seeing the cardinal that one time stayed with me all of these years and now I know . I can still feel that day . It was early , I had spent the night at my cousin 's house in the country and had woken before her . I wandered out of the back door and walked to the north side of the house . I sat down in a patch of green cool clover and picked at the foliage . I remember the feeling of the morning , it was crisp and new . The day was welcoming me , it was asking me to be a part of the world that morning . I answered by looking out into the woods and seeing the glow of the sun wake the leaves of the trees . It was golden time , that 's what I 've always called this time of day , and I smiled . After the day recognized me , it sent a messenger to ask me to play . The reddest bird called to me , from the edge of the clouds as if he were saying " We see you Jessica , and we know that you see us , now let 's see if you can catch us before we catch you ! " I remember trying to make the same sound as the cardinal . I trilled " Cree - eee , Cree - eee ! " He answered back in agreement . I wonder what I said to him that day , I wonder if I made a deal that I could not take back . I think maybe I promised to give the sky the most beautiful gift to ever fly from cloud to cloud , my tiny angel . Night , night FrostMama loves you . Frost , I want to start telling you happy stories . It 's hard to know how to start doing this without ending up crying . So I will just start telling you about the things in our life that I think you would have liked . We have cats , two twin black and white kittens and one stripey old cat . I think that you would have cuddled and played with them . I think that you would have pulled their tails when you were two and that they would have scratched you . You would have cried and gotten mad at the cats and I would give you a hug and a band - aid . We have a dog too , he is a big yellow lab , he is crazy . I have a feeling that you would have been the only one to tame him . I think that he would have just listened to you and that you would have been best friends and everyone else would have been amazed . When you would have been three people would say " where is the dog ? " and then I would reply " He 's with his best friend of course " , and then we would all look and see you using his furry back for a pillow and his tail for a sword . We have nice soft blankets here , and I know that you would have loved to be cozy in them . I think that the little blue and white one would have been your favorite . Your sister is here , she loves you so much . She sent you a balloon on Saturday . I 'm pretty sure she would have shared her toys with you , although she would only want you to have the ones she had decided were too babyish . Mostly stuffed animals , your favorite would have been her favorite from when she was a baby , a little wooly mammoth named Woolsly . In Hadley 's room there are 6 prisms hanging in her windows . When the winter sun shines in her room each day , rainbows of all different shapes and sizes dance around her room . I spin them and then we lay on her bed and watch the colors race across her walls and ceiling . I would have set you there when you were new , we would have watched your new eyes discover the world . And when you would have been four I would watch you run in her room yourself , strong and silly and laughing as you tried to catch rainPosted by Your Daddy had Daddy eyes again . A month ago I saw them in the hospital room . The first time I saw his Daddy eyes we were also in a hospital room . In a room seven years ago his eyes changed the minute he saw your sister . I loved that change in his eyes , they were the happiest I had ever seen his eyes . They softened and reflected the birth of true love . While you were in my belly Frost I was looking so forward to see what your Daddy 's eyes would do when you were born . Knowing that you were a boy , I was sure that a great look of pride would have accompanied the love . I couldn 't wait for you to come so he could look at you with his Daddy eyes . When you arrived unable to look into your Daddy 's eyes , I saw the love come out of his own eyes again . This time that love was coupled with a sadness so overwhelming that he had to cover his Daddy eyes . The tears blurred my view of him and of you , but I know that they would not let me forget . I know that his Daddy eyes gazed into your soul that day , because the twinkles I see in his eyes now I have named Hadley and Frost . Night , night FrostMama loves you . This summer there were many fairy rings in our yard . Mushrooms popped through the earth in ringlets of white . I am afraid that I took them lightly and may have crossed the boundaries of one or two . I thought of the stories I had read as a child and remembered the legend that warned of these rings in the grass . The folklore surrounding the fairy rings labeled them as a place of danger and that one who entered would become cursed . The form that the curse took varied from tale to tale . The tradition I remembered the most was that people who stepped into the ring were said to die at a very young age , or go into the fairy land and loose time and memory . I feel as though I may have caused both of these to happen to us . Frost you have died far too young , as young as one can die . And I have lost so much time with you , and new memories of you can never grow for me . I feel as though the world I live in now has changed . It looks the same , but I will never see it in the same light . Some may call it silly to believe that such an act could have anything to do with loosing you , but I look to every possible reason that you may be gone . The idea that the spirits of nature may have taken you away to their sleeping garden is a notion that romances my mind when logic can no longer humor me . Despite the air of danger about this legend , there is something beautiful about the thought of the earth taking back what it has created . You have followed the path of so many before you Frost , and from this path great stories have been born . Night , night FrostMama loves you . For years I have been drawn to Michelangelo 's Pieta . I would find myself lost in photos of the sculpture for hours when I should have been studying other works of art . I would compare how I saw my own features to those of the Madonna . Her downcast eyes were so beautiful to me . Pain seemed to radiate from her body . But her pain was not one of hopelessness to me , it seemed more like an expression of love . A love felt so deeply , that when her son 's lifeless body was set upon her lap they seemed to become one . The sacrifice that they both made released the two bodies from their earthly ties and bound them forever in the truest of bonds ; the love between a mother and child . The peace on each of their faces is what I want for us , Frost . Mary cradled her grown son as an infant , with the knowledge that the loss had a meaning beyond tears . I need to find our meaning . Today , on your day , the day we expected you , I felt the urge to look at the Pieta again . I hadn 't for so long , but today I needed to . I found a calm peace in it . Night , night FrostMama loves you . When I was a child I remember playing in the backyard . We had a swingset there and I remember swinging there alone on many occassions . Sometimes I would swing high and fast , trying to fly . Other times I would just kind of dangle and sway forward and backward , digging my toes into the dirt . And at times I would twist the swing to its limit and then let it spin out without control . That was my favorite . I would play outside for hours , but what I remember most was how I would sing as I played . I remember sitting on the swing staring at the building next to our house , it was old and made of stone . I remember looking at those stones and the day ending in the sky behind the golden roughness of the crumbling wall . I watched the clouds and the sun mingle in the west in shades of pink and russet , and under this I would make up little songs . I would sing to nobody and be happy there by myself . I don 't remember the words I gave to the songs , but I know that there were words and that those words were my words . I can 't remember the sound of the voice I sang in . I know that my voice was true , I know that it was a child 's voice . I think that I sang about love , I remember having that feeling about me . Love found and love lost , for sometimes my songs were sad and other times they were joyous . I sang there during every season . Spring , Summer , Fall , and Winter . Each part of the year heard my call . I think the Earth listened to me when I was a child . Frost , maybe where ever you are the Earth saved my songs for you . Maybe you can hear the me that was eight years old singing of a life yet to come . Maybe my songs were a gift from the children I had not met yet . Maybe the colors in the resting sky were you and your sister playing and waiting for your time to come to us . And maybe now you have returned to be the most brilliant beam of light forever playing on the horizon , just waiting to hear the lullaby of a child . Night , night FrostMama loves you . This morning as I looked from my bedroom window I saw a new set of footprints in the snow . I tried to decide what kind of prints they were . The prints ran in a very straight line and traveled between our row of apple trees and up to the back of our house . The prints were small and close together . I thought that they might be those of a cat , but I 'm not for sure . The path that they follow makes no sense . I do not understand where these prints lead or what purpose they serve . They will be part of our home for only as long as the cold lets them . They will disappear when the sun 's rising heat gives birth to the spring . I can 't even see them right now in the darkness . They are empty pits pushed into something so temporary . Really , they are nothing . And yet I noticed them , I will remember them . After they are obscured by time I will never see them again . You , Frost will be a part of us forever . You are stronger than the footprints . The sun cannot outshine your impression . The wind will not collapse your beauty . Time will not erase the love that flew from us to you , every day and every night after you were here . I will do more than remember you baby , I will live for you . Night , night FrostMama loves you . Tonight riding in the car , Hadley looked up and noticed the Big Dipper . She said " Look there 's a kite in the sky . " I said " Where ? " and she told me " in the stars . " I looked and saw the Big Dipper . I then told her that it was called the Big dipper and she said " Oh yeah , I remember now " . We talked more about the stars and decided that in the springtime we are going to spread out an old blanket and stargaze . This makes me happy . The stars have always brought me peace . I watched and wondered at them constantly when I was younger . Your Grandpa and I were connected through these heavenly bodies , Frost . We watched the sky together and found friendship there . After he died , I looked to the night sky often and found solace . Your sister and I will now do this together . Just like so many before us , we will look to the stars for answers . I will teach her what I have learned and I will listen to her innocent wisdom . Your sister hasn 't cried yet Frost . I worry for her , I know that inside she is confused and hurting . She tells me that she wants to cry but her eyes won 't let the tears come yet . Maybe she is like the night , only letting a few stars fall when they are ready . I am waiting for her meteor shower . Falling Stars Do you remember still the falling starsthat like swift horses through the heavens racedand suddenly leaped across the hurdlesof our wishes - do you recall ? And we did make so many ! For there were countless numbers of stars : each time we looked above we wereastounded by the swiftness of their daring play , while in our hearts we felt safe and securewatching these brilliant bodies disintegrate , knowing somehow we had survived their fall . by Rainer Maria Rilke Posted by I can feel them from time to time . When I lay down they jumpstart my memory ; little movements in the night . These phantom kicks bring you back to me for a moment . I know that it 's not you Frost , because I felt them after Hadley was born also . But if I let my mind wander I get that time back . That time that was such a short distance from now was a time of happiness for me . I hope that it was for you too . How will I ever know ? Since you died inside of me , I have wondered many things . Mostly , I have wondered if my womb is haunted by your little soul . I 'm scared to even mention it , but it crosses my mind daily . Houses become haunted by those who cannot move on . You never lived in a house you only lived in my body . Did you move on to a new place , or have you remained with me ? I know that a part of you has stayed with my thoughts . I wonder if I am ever pregnant again , if your spirit will keep the new baby company . Will you help to keep your little brother or sister strong ? Your beauitful soul is good and I want you to be where you are happiest . Where you can grow and shine . I want you to be protected . I want you to be free . Night , night FrostMama loves you . Frost , last night you met your Grandma . Your Daddy 's mother came to be with you . Her name is Marsha , so listen for her name . She will listen for yours . Your name will make it easy for her to find you . You are probably the only baby Frost there . She will find you and hold you again like she did after you were born . She will hold you for us and she will be strong again . Her body on earth was so tired . She needed to leave it , and find a peace . She needed to find a world where she could be whole in herself again . She will bring you our love and you will tell her all of your baby secrets . Your hearts will beat again . They will beat together in a place where we cannot hear the beautiful sound of a long lost love found again . She will sing you to sleep the same way she sang to your Daddy when he was a child . She will rock you on a cloud and hush away your cries with the rustle of her newly spread wings . You will be gifts to eachother , and you will never be alone . She left in the middle of the night just like you did . The dark and the winter took you both away from us . You both went up while the snow came down . Tell her that we are missing her , tell her that our world has changed . Smile for her . Night , night FrostMama loves you . Lucy Locket lost her pocket , Kitty Fisher found it ; Nothing in it , nothing in it , But the binding round it . Mother Goose I have a locket Frost . Your Grandma gave it to me on Christmas Eve . It is silver and your name is engraved on it . It is my treasure . Since you did not stay with us , it was not very difficult to decide what to fill it with . I filled it with the only part of you I have . It 's not a picture of you that rests within my necklace , nor is it a lock of your hair . It is something you gave to us the last time we said goodbye to your tiny swaddled body . We spent a long time , that last time , examining every bit of you . Your Daddy and I took turns touching your face and memorizing your features . We said that you were perfect but somehow your life was eclipsed by something we will never understand . We unwrapped you a little and held your hand , we gave you kisses goodbye and tried to make ourselves leave . We sat longer and held eachother . I kissed your forehead once more . The pressure from my lips caused a bit of blood to drip from your nose . I took a tissue and wiped it from your skin . I let out a little cry , your Daddy said " Keep it " , so I folded it and placed it in my purse . We left a little while after , empty armed and lost . The next week after your Grandma gave the locket to me , your Daddy and I went to our room . We went straight to the drawer where I was keeping the tissue . I sat on the bed and tore the white tissue away from your blood , our blood . It fit just right inside of the locket . You are safe now . Lucy Locket lost her pocket , Kitty Fisher found it ; Nothing in it , nothing in itBut the binding round it . There will always be you , inside of me Frost , no matter how lost I feel . Night , night FrostMama loves you . Posted by I have learned something Frost . After you died , I learned that there are other babies like you . Babies who had to leave their earth homes too soon . I have met the mothers of some of these babies . We have become friends . As friends , we decided to light candles for each of our babies . Tonight I did this . As I lit the candle , I placed my fingers around the holder and stared into the flame . I let my eyes dwell there for a moment , and began to talk to the babies we were honoring tonight . I told them that you were my baby , I told them that your name was Frost and that they should go and find you . I told them that you were where they were . I told them that their Mommies are beautiful and that they love them and that it was okay for them to play with you . The more I talked to the babies , the more my tears began to gather . I didn 't wipe my tears away , and my vision began to blur . I continued staring at the candle 's flame and through my tears it started rising higher . The light was growing and moving . I watched it flicker and pull with the intake of my breath . I saw the flame change its shape . And I swear that the light took on the form of a heart . At that , I closed my eyes and let their fullness fall down my cheeks and kiss the edges of my smile . I was smiling because I knew that my baby now has the most wonderful new friends . I know that you have found eachother . Night , night FrostMama loves you . I missed you last night . I didn 't tell you a story . I went to sleep and didn 't get up and write to you . I felt horrible all day , there was extra sadness today . I promise you and me that I won 't miss our time together again . I need it and I believe that you do also . I do think about you constantly Frost . I dreamt this morning , I haven 't for a while . I think there may have been a baby in this dream , I can 't quite remember . I 'll try to dream again . Night , night FrostMama loves you . The wind is blowing so strong now outside my window . There is more snow and the cold is growing . It is very late and dark , I have a candle lit . All is quiet now except for the rush of the wind and a few creeks in the walls . In this kind of quiet certain feelings make themselves known to me . The first time these feelings came to me I was a teenager listening to music alone in my room . I remember looking into the space around me and feeling the hold of nothing . I was embraced by the realization that what I had at that moment could be the end . That if my life were to be lost right at that time , I would fall into something unknown . I used to think about this idea all the time . What would nothing be , if I died and didn 't continue ? How could that happen ? When we are alive there is so much to see and experience . How could that just end ? I no longer believe that an ending is what happens when someone dies . There is too much in the mind , just to be erased . I think now that what happens is more of a transformation , but maybe the living just don 't recognize what that transformation is because we are not supposed to . Maybe that 's what life is for , to get us ready for our transformation . If that is so , I don 't understand how a baby who died before he saw the world could be ready to change . Were you an " old soul " Frost ? Did you already have what you needed to become what we don 't know . I wish that you knew the world like I did , but maybe you knew it better . I just don 't know . I do know that my body still believes that you are here . My milk has not gone away yet . It wants to nourish your body . The little life that came out of me . In the morning my breasts will feel the cool damp of fabric as your food leaves me . My insides keep making more , I think because my longing to bring you back is so strong . I will ache when it goes away forever . It will make the distance between your birth and the now to come much too far . Oh Frost , I hope that you know from where you are how much we love you , I hope that somehow you have carried our lovePosted by Frost we found out that you were coming to us on May 16 , 2009 . On that day there was a flood . The rain was fat and fast and never - ending . The clouds were so full , and they parked themselves over our town . We came home and the power was out . I went upstairs to weave by the window before too much darkness settled in . As I sat there working the yarn like the three fates , I thought about creation and I remembered the test I had waiting in the bathroom . I thought to myself , I should do it now that way I would always remember the day I found out that my baby was on the way . I took it and breathed deep as the lines came up positive . The strong Spring storm would be such a grand memory for us . I walked around the house keeping the wonderful news to myself for about one hour . I was smiling while everyone else was angry about the rising water in the basement . We had flashlights ready and candles prepared for the night , so I knew I had to tell soon before there wasn 't enough light to show the test to our family . First I brought your Daddy upstairs and showed him . I saw his face turn to bliss as he realized that you were already on your way to us . We then decided to go ahead and tell your sister , she jumped and screamed for joy , she had wanted to be a sister for years . For her patience , we decided that she should tell your Grandma . When Hadley did tell her , I could tell that the news of you was so unexpected . Your Grandma worries about things , and I think we shocked her into a worry . But then her eyes softened in the dimming light , she knew that a baby would be good . The rain continued on and on . It still does , only now the drops pour from our eyes . Our eyes are as full as the clouds were that day and our sobs are as loud as the thunder . The flood became our flood and it has filled my body with something I can 't control . I can 't remember now if there was a rainbow outside in the sky on that stormy day , but I know that there was one in my heart and in my future . The Spring is my best time . Night , night FrostMama loves you . This spring and summer , when I was first carrying you inside of me , there was a baby deer that visited our yard often . He was always alone , no parents watched as he edged ever closer to our home . We thought he came to drink from the plastic baby pool we had filled for our yellow lab to swim in . It looked as though he drank from the pool and fed at the bird feeders , but I am not sure anymore if that was the real reason behind the rare sightings . He would watch us as we admired him , he was nature at its most beautiful . He would watch and walk slowly , look back and then run . We saw him several more times , until the last time . The last time I saw him he bolted right up the middle of the road toward the highway , after that the summer showed us our fawn no more . I worried and then forgot , until now . Was our fawn really you , little Frost ? A baby who wandered too far from his parents . Lost and alone , seen only by those who could not guide you . Or was the animal your spirit guide and when you felt him run you decided to run too . To run across the road to see what was beyond . To know things before those who created you would know . Is that what you desired ? I wish I knew what you know now . For I am sure that it is peace . I believe that I saw a bit of that peace in the fawn 's endless brown eyes . Before he ran I looked into them and it was like his eyes were telling me " I am going to race the wind now , watch me . " Night , night FrostMama loves you . Today I felt panic at the possibility of my memories fading . I had to look at your pictures , they made me cry but I had to see you again . I had to make myself imagine that you were only sleeping in them . They told us at the hospital that your eyes were brown , I believe them , even though I didn 't see you open them . I saw your smile in one of the ultrasound pictures , but I don 't know if you had your Daddy 's dimple . Your hair was lighter than we thought it would be and it may have been curly . Your mouth was so tiny and it reminded me of the little Putti in Renaissance frescos . Raphael must have known you would be a baby angel long ago , and so he put you in his paintings . So soon , I am faced with the fact that I will never know what your face would become . I see older boys , preschoolers , teenagers , young men , and I can 't help but wonder which ones you would have looked the most like . I catch myself staring at strangers . I look into your sister 's face for long moments while she sleeps and try to find you there . Her baby pictures make me cry now because in some of them I try to pretend that she is a boy . Oh Frost , I wish that I could dream of you every night and that each dream would be a day of your life . I wish that I could watch you grow and change while I sleep since I can 't have you here . I wish that I could watch you from afar . I would be okay with that , everything would be okay if I could see you . Night , night FrostMama loves you . I wonder if you saw me the day after I came home from the hospital . I woke up at 7 : 00 , and I couldn 't go back to sleep . Every morning now I wake up at 7 : 00 and can 't go back to sleep . On the first day after I woke up , before the snow came . I had to be outside . No one else was around to make me stay put . I went out the front door for what I thought would be a short , cold walk . I started out along the road , already with tears blistering my face . And my eyes kept turning toward the tree line past the cornfield , so I took my first step off of the road and into the harvested rows . I stomped through the frozen mounds of uneven soil looking toward the fallen trees , they had died too . When I reached the open canopy the wind stopped and I felt the quiet . I walked in deeper past branches and ditches , crunching through leaves spent on the ground . I was alone and I screamed for you Frost , I could yell . I called and called and waited for a sign . I felt the quiet again and calmed myself with it . I walked on and came to a very shallow creek , half frozen and sad . I sat down and I watched it flow under ice , just like you grew within my shell . It reminded me of my childhood , the creek and the sloping sides of earth that bordered it . It reminded me of the time I was lost , it soothed me because I knew that I had found my place again . I stood up and started to walk again , I began humming but I knew that the sound wasn 't right for you . I wanted to sing to you in those woods . Something old , something eternal , something that only the trees and you could hear . But I couldn 't find your song that day . I didn 't want to leave those trees because I think that I could feel you there . I was warmer , I was part of it . I talked to my Dad that day too . Your Grandpa . I asked him if he had you , if you were with him . I asked him if he needed somebody there with him , wherever the two of you went . And then two hawks flew low and echoed their high , long calls through the branches . I walked away wondering if the song I was searching for had just been sung tPosted by I wrote this in October . I wrote this poem to you . To Frost If I didn 't know you before the sun , my eyes wouldn ' tshine as bright . If I didn 't see youbefore the sea , my tears wouldn ' tbe as true . If I didn 't hear youbefore the birds , my song wouldn ' tsweeten the wind . If I didn 't paint youbefore the sky , the sunsets would all be blue . If I didn 't dream youbefore the night , the stars would fall from the sky . If I didn 't have you before my heart , I wouldn 't know love at all . And If I didn 't feelyour tiny hand holding on to mine , the World would stopand ask me . . . " What happened to our friend ? " Oh sweet baby , I had no idea then what this would mean to me now . I remember crying deep tears after I wrote it and feeling strange . I meant for it to be a happy poem , but after I wrote it I felt such sorrow . You have been with me all along , now I just know what I 'm missing . I wrote another poem down that same day while we were waiting for your sister . But now I think that the second poem was from you to me . I 'll leave a light on for youand call it the Moon . Through tree tops in Winteryou 'll see it shine . And remember . It will light your way to mewith the softest glow . The kind that warmsAutumn 's early chill . My light will guide your feet , like those of a child . Whispering through the cushionof Summer - soft grass . In the Springtime , it will show youthe place in your heartwhere a home has grown . Look up , my light is smiling at you . I 'll leave a light on for you and call it the Moon . Follow it back to me . Thank you Baby , for giving me so many places to look for you . I 'll find you someday . This New Year there was a Blue Moon , the first one in decades . Night , night Frost . Mama loves you . Posted by I am a woman who had 2 babies . One of them is a girl and she is here with us . The other is a boy and he is in heaven . I love them both dearly .