I suspect Daughter is depressed . It 's hard to know for sure what 's going on with her , as she refuses to talk to me about what 's bothering her . She says I scare her . When pressed , she acknowledges it 's not anything I 've done , but is rather about her . That doesn 't make it any less frustrating , though . For the last few days , I feel like she can 't speak to me without either yelling or whining . She began this morning by cussing out her hair . It wasn 't doing what she wanted it to do , apparently . I am avoiding interaction with her as much as possible . Any attempt to converse with her seems to end with her yelling at me , so I don 't see much point in engaging her . Yesterday her program was closed for a staff in - service , so she was at the church . It was a busy day . We finished the newsletter , edited a brochure about our mission programs , and finished the bulletin for Sunday . I had a lunch meeting , and then a meeting with a couple of board members about rewriting our by - laws . Administrative Assistant put Daughter to work sorting music . It took her a while , but she completed the job . When she was with AA , she was fine . When she 'd wander into my office , she 'd start whining . When AA left for the day , she came into my office and pouted on the love seat , eventually falling asleep . Last night was choir , and we went back to the church for it . Daughter decided she wasn 't going to sing . She sat in my office and pouted . I got some work done . I had to go back and finish a few things that I didn 't get done during the day , but we stayed because while we 're at the church around other people , she 's nicer to me . I get tired of being the target of her frustration . I asked one of the women about her son as she was leaving . Her younger son has autism . He is currently in an assessment program that will lead to his placement in a job training program . He 's living in a dorm and his mom says he 's the happiest she 's ever seen him . He feels like he fits in there . We 've had conversations , and she knows what I 'm dealing with . She looked so happy and rePosted by Saw Psychiatrist yesterday morning , and heard lots of news . There will soon be an opening at the one residential placement I thought had potential for Daughter . I will visit again , gather more information , and then Program Manager , Case Manager and I will sit down and strategize about how to help Daughter through the transition . She doesn 't know I 've been looking at placements . I didn 't want her to get anxious when I didn 't know how long it would take . Case Manager is leaving to take a different job . She 's going to talk to her supervisor about the importance of Daughter having a skilled , long - term case manager . We don 't want her floating among temporary case managers . Program Manager will be off most of next week as she moves . Daughter does not do well when Program Manager isn 't there . Daughter has been struggling at program this week due to staff changes there and additional people beginning at the program . Daughter has decided she wants to go to Chicago . She 's furious because I won 't let her go . I told her that when she 's not safe in our own kitchen unless all the food is locked up , she 's not safe to travel alone . She has managed to save almost $ 50 , so she offered to buy my airline ticket so I could go with her . Psychiatrist increased her new anti psychotic yesterday . She also recommended we look into EMDR therapy for her . Unfortunately Blogger is not being cooperative this morning , so I 'm unable to link to information about it , but a google search will turn it up . I 've long been interested in this , but there weren 't opportunities in Tiny Village . Case Manager is checking it out to see if they have someone in the agency who can do it . When I came to Capital , there were a significant number of votes against calling me in the congregational meeting . Last night we removed a member from membership at her request . While she wouldn 't tell me this , she made it clear to others that she is opposed to women in ministry . In fact , she wouldn 't even talk to me . She wouldn 't answer my calls or respond to my messages . I finally wrote her a note . She left a message on my voicemail at the church in the middle of the night informing me that any conversation would be a complete waste of time . I was distressed about her departure , but then I realized two things . Several people left the church before I even started , but 70 % of those who voted no are still involved in the church . It helped , too , that Sunday a man who had left the church years ago was here . I had visited with him after a tragic death in his family . We had a board meeting last night , and it was very positive , even as we dealt with the woman 's request to be removed from membership . I had outlined what I had done when I heard she wanted to leave , and how she had responded . They had no problems with how I responded . I have to keep reminding myself that I can offer , but I can 't force anyone to talk to me or take my advice , including Daughter . She got her cell phone back yesterday , and spent much of today texting and calling me trying to convince me that I had to come get her immediately . Of course it didn 't work , but it was very disruptive to my day . I think that the phone will stay home tomorrow . I have a personnel meeting tonight , and wasn 't thrilled about having Daughter hanging out here during the meeting . One of the saints called this afternoon and asked if she could take Daughter to a movie tonight . Problem solved . Daughter 's happy , and so am I . Brother , Sister - in - law , and Baby Nephew came to visit yesterday after church . Baby Nephew just turned 6 months old . He 's a wonderful baby . He is a very happy little guy , who was very willing to hang with Daughter or me . He loves to dance . He 's not crawling yet , but he loves to hold onto some one 's fingers and walk . Daughter loved spending time with her little cousin . After we ate , Daughter got up on her own and cleaned up the kitchen . I was impressed . She did go downstairs a couple of times when she got overwhelmed , and that was fine . They stayed long enough I ended up feeding them supper , too . It was wonderful to just sit around talking and enjoying Baby Nephew . Sister put an offer on a house yesterday . Far Away Sister and I are concerned about the advice her realtor gave her . Sister has been living with her ex - husband . She was living with him while he tried to refinance their home , but the bank wasn 't cooperating , and he 's finally agreed to do a short sale . Sister operates based on emotion , and trying to get her to look at things from a financial perspective is almost impossible . When she sent me a link to the house she liked , I did some research online , and suggested this might be a short sale . She insisted it wasn 't . Her realtor finally looked at the same information I had found and talked to the listing agent . It turns out that if the sellers don 't get a full price offer , the sale won 't cover the balance on their mortgage . The house is listed way above market value . I suggested Sister may want to do some research , but she didn 't see the necessity of it . Brother lives closer to Sister than I do , so he took some of the boxes from my move home for Sister to use for hers . Sister has never live alone . Technically , she still won 't be living alone , as she has Short Niece , who is almost 7 . It will be a big adjustment , though , and we are anticipating that she will need lots of support . I 'm glad we 're closer to family , and can spend a Sunday afternoon / evening just spending time with them . Daughter was continuing to do well until she experienced a major trigger of her PTSD yesterday afternoon . One of the men at her program was insisting in a phone call with his house manager that the police be called over abuse he claims was inflicted on him by another man in the house . Daughter dated the other man briefly . She called me , sobbing hysterically . She couldn 't handle it , she wasn 't safe , I needed to come get her immediately . I calmed her down . I told her I had confidence in her ability to keep herself safe . Last night she wet the bed . She was still worrying about what she heard yesterday this morning . I explained that the judicial system , and assured her that it would take more than just the claims of one man to get the other man in lots of trouble . She is back to being very volatile . Hopefully she 'll recover more quickly this time . I 'm doing more shopping since I moved to Capital . I suppose that what happens when you don 't have to drive over 10 miles to get to a store . Today I went to the overgrown farm market . I bought some apples , grapes , and cheese . This place started as a farm market . It has been added to over the years multiple times , so it is kind of a maze . They have fruits , vegetables , ethnic foods , tons of cheeses , a broad selection of beer and wine , bakery , flowers , a garden center , bulk candy , including a large selection of sugar free stuff . What I love is that there is grand piano in the floral department , so often there is live music when I go in to do my shopping . We didn 't have anything like it in Tiny Village , that 's for sure . Last Friday I purchased a new stove , and it was delivered today . It 's a double oven , 5 burner gas range , and I love it . Hopefully Far Away Sister will get me a check for the last bit ofmy inheritance before the bill comes . I 've got a pork shoulder cooking on the simmer burner for pulled pork . I made tortilla pizzas for supper , and I also just finished a batch of yeast rolls . This is the third date we 've had scheduled for Brother and his family to come . I hope that he will make it Sunday . At this point I 'm planning to serve pulled pork sandwiches , au gratin potatoes , and some kind of apple dessert . I guess I 'll have to stop playing with my stove and do some cleaning and sermon writing tomorrow so I 'll be ready for company . . . . Last night was the second session of a Bible Study I 'm leading on spiritual gifts . The material is designed to engage in Scripture in ways that encourage us to be formed , rather than informed . I was concerned about how some of my people would respond to some of the activities . Last night they divided into small groups to draw the outline of a body and then label different body parts according to the function it represented in the church , which we understand to be the body of Christ . There were 16 participants , so I told them to divide into groups of 2 or 3 and that husbands and wives had to be in different groups . Each group took a large piece of paper and a marker and went out to find a table where they could work . I was afraid some might consider it dumb and resist participating . I couldn 't have been more wrong . We ended up with 5 drawings which we posted in the room . Each group explained their pictures . The group was impressed by both the similarities and differences in the drawings . We saw different perspectives in the different drawings . We also decided that the 5 different pictures combined for a more complete picture than any of the single pictures provided . The enthusiasm behind the task was great . One group was 3 men who had been executives in their work lives . I was concerned about how they would view the project . They went into one of the children 's classrooms and sat at the low tables . They got into it , with much laughter coming from the room . They informed us their picture was supposed to look like Elvis . While I was downstairs leading Bible study , Daughter was hanging out upstairs with Administrative Assistant . AA told Daughter it was good to have her back - - the change in her is amazing . It 's like a switch flipped in her brain , and she is back on track . Next week her therapist will start working through a series of videos about dating , relationships , the differences between men and women , etc . Hopefully that will help her deal with male friends more appropriately . I had a couple of texts today from program manager . Daughter wasn 't feeling good , Daughter was sleeping , should they make Daughter eat . Daughter didn 't call me . She didn 't call me all day . When I picked her up to bring her to see Therapist , she was happy . She told me that respite had not gone well . A woman was dropped off in the middle of the night and tried to come sleep in Daughter 's room , waking her up . Someone else spent most of the night screaming , making it difficult to sleep . She asked me to find a different place for her to stay next time . She didn 't try to lay a guilt trip on me . She didn 't tell me I should never leave her again . She isn 't complaining about the need to go back to the church for Bible study . Her therapist was double booked , so she had to wait longer . She didn 't complain or protest . She requested Chinese food for supper when we leave , but told me whatever I chose would be fine . I 'm impressed . I 'm also very grateful . Maybe we 've weathered this storm . I 'm enjoying my R & R : Retreat and Respite . Daughter called yesterday evening , sounding happy . I shared wonderful conversations about life and ministry with my colleagues yesterday evening . It is a wonderful gift to be able to take this time away to worship and reflect on ministry . I am so grateful that I am no longer isolated , like I was in Tiny Village . The colleague I saw on the board at the one residential placements is here , and I shared with the group that seeing his face was like a message from God . I realized last night that our small little rooms here at a Catholic retreat center are larger than some of the rooms I have looked at for Daughter . Another of my colleagues here was at camp the week Daughter was at the high school camp . He said that they brought a special helper in to work with her that week . He said the other campers were good with her , but as I suspected , she really didn 't fit in well at the high school camp . Next summer we 'll stick to the special needs camps . We have a program this morning , and then , after lunch , I will head back to the church . I wasn 't going to bring my computer with me , but I had some writing I needed to finish for Administrative Assistant last night . I 'm going to write one more article for her this morning before I pack up the computer and take it out to the car . I 'm in the midst of a very busy week . I can tell it 's fall . Daughter is feeling neglected , so I 'm being intentional about spending time with her and having her sit next to me for some cuddle time . I 'm doing a program at a church on the other side of town at noon today , and then this evening I head out for my retreat after dropping Daughter at respite . She 's not happy about it , but is accepting it ( at least for right now ) . I 'm leaving my computer at the church most nights now so that I 'm not tempted to continue working in the evening . As a result , my posts may be a bit more sporadic . Things are going well here at the church - - some exciting things are happening and I 'm seeing a new openness to new ideas and change . I can see God at work in and through us , and its an exciting time to be involved in ministry here . This morning was the first morning that I taught adult education at 8 : 30 ( worship is at 10 : 00 ) . It has turned into a marathon day . Daughter is napping on the love seat in my study , and I 'm taking a short break before getting into the next task . I had the sermon outlined and the powerpoint started when I left Thursday . Since I was so confident , I didn 't look at it again until late yesterday afternoon , when I discovered a computer crash had erased all I had done . So , I rewrote the sermon and struggled to remember who had posted the quote on facebook that I had wanted to use ( I finally remembered and found the quote on her wall ) . When went to bed ( late ) last night . The sermon had been rewritten , and I 'd pulled a bunch of images for the powerpoint , though they weren 't yet in order . Overnight I realized I needed to rework the middle section of the sermon . I was up before 5 : 00 this morning . I reworked the sermon , and then showered , dressed , and did hair and make - up . I was to the church by 7 : 00 . I finalized the powerpoint and put it on a flash drive which I placed on the AV desk for the AV people to find . I was downstairs setting up the portable projector for adult ed when someone came to get me . There were two men who wanted to speak to me . They wanted me to write a letter to my Senators about a situation in an Iraqi refugee camp . Both of them had family members in the camp . They had letters ready for my signature , but I told them I wanted to put it in my own words . Since they were presenting the letters tomorrow , I promised to have them ready this afternoon . After a quick fast food lunch , we came back to the church so I could write the letters and get ready for nominating committee this evening . After the men pick up the letter I will drop Daughter off with one of the saints and go lead worship at the nursing home . Usually , Daughter goes with me , but I decided it would be best not to take her into the nursing home when she has a cold . I 'll pick her up after worship and come back to the church to train the nominating cPosted by While Daughter has improved , she still is running on the manic side . She also has a cold . The result has not been pleasant . She 's irritable . She doesn 't feel good , but she wants to do things . So she went between telling me she was sick to do anything and insisting I had to take her out to do something exciting or let her undertake a big project . It was not fun . I am concerned about sending her to respite Tuesday . She was sobbing and asking not to go to the new place today . She wondered why she just couldn 't go with me . I 'm feeling very torn about the whole thing . I wish she were a little more stable . Hopefully she 'll be recovering from her cold by Tuesday . Hopefully . Yesterday morning I checked out two more group homes . We walked into the first and were overwhelmed by the odor . The owner has cats , and apparently doesn 't clean the litter box regularly . We were shown two empty beds , both in shared rooms . One was adjacent to an outside door . The other was shoved against the wall with 2 feet of open closet and enough space to walk beside it . The owner didn 't want Daughter moving in , though even if she had , we wouldn 't have let her . The other residents are older and are all content to set around watching TV all the time . The second place has 12 residents . There are two rooms that might be coming open . The first was right next door to a young man and very close to a not well secured kitchen . Not going to work . The second room had potential . The downstairs had 6 bedrooms , and all the residents downstairs are women . They have 2 cats at the house . The common areas are larger than we 've seen at other homes ( who try to cram in as many beds as possible so they can make more money . I 've decided that home is an opportunity . They had poster boards with pictures of various activities they had gone to as a home . On one of the boards I saw a familiar face : a friend and colleague . Daughter knows him . The staff member said he comes and visits them , and some of the residents go to his church ( where Daughter and I have been ) . I will see him Tuesday , so I will be asking his opinion of that particular group home . There aren 't any openings right now , though , so we 're back to waiting . There is also a woman close to Daughter 's age at that facility . Daughter continues to improve . The current challenge is she has a cold . When she has a cold , she tends to be very dramatic about how much she is suffering . I decided I wanted an omelet for breakfast this morning , and I didn 't want to cook . I told her if she was up and dressed in 10 minutes , I 'd take her to breakfast . When we got to the restaurant she pushed the menu away . " I can 't eat " I didn 't respond , so she picked out an omelet she wanted . When the food camPosted by I was in the middle of mowing the lawn when I realized the rear view was about to fall off . It was plastic , and had broken . I came in and did some research on line , and found out that many people had had this problem with this particular mower . I could try to return it for a refund , but that wouldn 't get my lawn mowed . I also discovered that some other brand wheels would fit . I got out my socket set and removed the wheel , and then headed to the local lawn mower repair shop . I walked in and and saw a man behind the counter . I handed him the wheel , and explained I was looking for a replacement . He asked the brand , and I told him . He repeated , and a woman , who I hadn 't noticed , corrected him as to the brand , explaining that he was naming the engine brand , but the mower was made by the other company I had named . He came back a minute later . " We don 't have it . If you get me a part number , I can order it . " " Do you have something else that might fit ? " He replied with more than a hint of condescension in his voice , " Ma ' am , they are not interchangeable . " " I realize that , but I also know that other brands will sometimes fit . " The woman came over with a wheel . " Will this work ? Then we won 't have to send it back . " He looked skeptical . I took the broken piece and placed it over the hole . " Same size . Do you have a ruler or tape measure ? " He said , " They aren 't the same , " and walked off in disgust . She pulled out a tape measure and carefully pieced my broken wheel back together . She measured . The measurements were identical . I bought it , as well as the second one they had ordered for a customer who never bothered to pick them up when they came in . I told her I 'd be back if they didn 't work . Within 30 minutes of realizing I had a broken wheel , I was back mowing the lawn . The yellow wheel above is the replacement one . I am quite proud of myself , and the woman in the store who dared to think a wheel that looked very different might fit my mower . Women Rock ! When it comes to paperwork related to Daughter , I 'm procrastinating . I was slow filing for guardianship , and slow making copies of the order once it came . I was reluctant to file for home health aid . I procrastinated on paperwork for respite . I 'm not thrilled about looking at residential placements . When I adopted her , these were not my goals for her . I was looking forward to watching her become a productive member of society . I dreamed of her going to college , marrying , having children . I am finding it very hard to let go of these dreams . I didn 't file for complete guardianship , I filed for partial , which will be reviewed in several years to see if it is still needed . I feel like I 'm giving up on her . Intellectually , I know that 's not the case , but in my heart , that 's the way I feel . I grab hold of articles that suggest that her brain is still growing and developing . Maybe she will mature and be able to get a job and live independently . When I go see the other residents of these homes , I want to go running in the opposite direction . She doesn 't belong with these people . She 's not like that . There 's the man who is nonverbal and stamps his feet because he doesn 't want the aide to shave him . There are the people who are content to sit in their room all day , doing nothing . They talk about how active one woman is because she goes to a program 2 days a week and she likes to go shopping for groceries with the house manager . How do I let go of dreams of a career and family to embrace the idea of life in an institution , no matter how small it may be ? How do I send my charming , funny , caring daughter to live with people who can 't participate in a simple conversation ? The reality is , her mental illness and diabetes are bigger issues than her developmental challenges . I have sheltered her and protected her and she does have intellectual limitations , so she can 't protect herself with the street smart individuals in the mental illness homes . Placing her in a residential setting feels like giving up on her . I 've always told herPosted by Yesterday I picked Daughter up at her program for an appointment with Therapist at 4 : 00 . When she finished , we went to a fast food restaurant for supper and then came straight to the church for Bible Study . It was about 8 : 30 when we got home . She did well until she hit the car after Bible study , and the meltdowns began . I think the day was too long and too much for her . She is doing much better , but still can 't handle a very long day . She was away from home for almost 14 hours yesterday . In other news , I tripped over an uneven spot in the sidewalk as I was finishing my morning walk . I hit my knee and hands hard . I don 't think I did any major damage , but I 'm sitting with my leg elevated and ice on my knee . I suspect I will be very stiff and sore tomorrow morning . I may have to skip the walk for a day or two . As Administrative Assistant pointed out , at least I have tomorrow off to recover . . . . Daughter is definitely improving . She was more cooperative yesterday evening . She apologized quickly when she lost control . She told me , " Mom , I 'm trying to fight it . I don 't like it when I act this way . I don 't know why I do it . " There 's still some paranoia . She still struggles with insomnia . She still has an amazing ability to rage . I gave her a sleeping pill last night to help her sleep . She was up at about 4 : 00 this morning and in the shower . She 'd wet the bed . I did some more research on the various residential options . The two we will look at Friday had much better licensing reports than the one I saw on Monday and am going to use for respite . They are also both much smaller . One is only licensed for 4 residents . On paper , at least , they look promising . Today will be busy . Daughter has an appointment with Therapist at 4 : 00 , and then I 'm leading a new Bible Study at 7 : 00 . I need to complete preparations for the Bible study today . It will be a busy day at the office , I 'm sure . I walked almost 4 miles this morning . It was a beautiful day , and in a first , I had two conversations . I 'm going to check out a new section of the cross town trail that was recently finished tomorrow morning . A couple who was walking the same route I walked but in the reverse order recommended it . A crossing guard informed me that the temperature is supposed to get down into the low 30 's Thursday and Friday with highs in the low 40 ' . I like fall . Daughter claims she didn 't have any meltdowns at program today . I discovered she 'd trashed her room again , so I told her that she needed to clean it tonight . She said , " I can do that . " Case Manager called . She has found two all female group homes for us to look at on Friday . She was not happy with what we saw Monday , and went digging . Both are closer to home , which will make life easier ( though not too close - - still 15 minutes or so away ) . I spent the day at a regional meeting , and got to see good friends and colleagues . Sister Best Friend and I sat together and ate lunch together . That was nice . Today is looking better than yesterday . Thanks for all the prayers . This morning Case Manager and I toured two group homes . In the first one , Daughter would have been the 5th resident : 3 men and 2 women . All the other residents were over the age of 60 , and several were nonverbal . They had no activities or program . I was considering right up until I found out that 3 nights a week an African American male is the only staff member on at night - - a very powerful trigger for Daughter 's PTSD . I couldn 't do that to her - - or him . So then we went to visit a larger facility about 30 miles away . It reminded me of a bad nursing home . There is room for 20 residents . The rooms are very small . The common areas are very small . The food is institutional food at its worst . Daughter will spend the night there next week while I go on an overnight retreat . I won 't tell her it 's a possible placement . Maybe , by some miracle , she 'll like it . Even Case Manager was discouraged when we were done . Program Manager is going to check out the residential possibilities on the mental illness side of the agency . She thinks that might be a better fit for Daughter . Psychiatrist was back in town today . Nurse took the email accounts of Daughter 's mood swings down to her . She read them over and said , " She 's still going up and down . I 'll see her on the 28th . " I wanted to cry when I read the email . Program Manager had warned me that she thought Daughter had grabbed some snacks when she was left alone in the office for a minute ( Daughter wasn 't the only one creating chaos at the program today ) . From 3 : 00 until she got home at 5 : 00 , her blood sugar mysteriously jumped over 50 points . She insists she didn 't eat anything . I know that 's a lie . When I asked what she 'd eaten , she stormed out of the house . She wasn 't gone long , and when she came back in , she was still mad , especially at Program Manager for talking to me . She kept saying that Program Manager is dead . That appointment with the psychiatrist seems like a very long way off . I think Program Manager would agree with me . Today I will tour two group homes . Daughter doesn 't know anything about it . I am confident that this is the right thing to do , and it is time for her to move out . Yesterday evening she was ranting about how terrible it was for me to move her here , and how she should have stayed in a group home in Tiny Village 's county . She doesn 't remember the challenges she had with the sheltered workshop there . I did some research about the first home we will visit . It is owned by a not - for - profit organization that has been running these homes throughout the state for 30 years . They deal with developmental disabilities and mental illness . They also do job coaching and provide other services . I liked what I read . I know moving her will be hard . As Program Manger observed , Daughter will go into crisis mode after the move . Daughter was also talking about how she wanted to go back to camp this fall . She wants to get out on her own in a supervised setting . I will sell this as being like camp . Hopefully that will make it easier for her . There are so many things I don 't know , so many details that will have to be worked out . Last night I laid awake praying for wisdom and guidance . Hopefully I will walk into one of the two places I see today and know it is the right one for Daughter . Today was the beginning of our fall program . We have been preparing for it for weeks , as we 're going to spend the next ten weeks focusing on building a spiritual house . For September we 're focusing on our spiritual lives , so today the focus was on learning . As part of our focus , we 're " building " a spiritual house out of the boxes that contain a case of paper . Each box is labeled by as specific building stones . Today we had Christ , our Cornerstone , learning , and you as stones we added . Several weeks ago , we decided that in order to have room to build our building ( which will have 21 boxes when it 's done ) , that we needed to change where I did the children 's sermon , so we reversed it with the little podium I use to hold my sermon notes . As in many churches , there are many people who sit in the same spot each week . There are two couples who always sat in the row right behind me ( I sit in the front row by my podium when I 'm not leading ) . This morning was crazy . We thought we were prepared , but there are always things that come up . I had people who needed me to witness them signing off on the child protection policy . I needed to make sure we had people to lead the dedication of the Gathering Room . There were questions about how we were handling communion . I had volunteers setting up music and a slide show in the Gathering Room following worship , and I needed to make sure they knew what they were doing . A couple was going to talk about the importance of learning , and add a stone to our spiritual house . In short , it was chaotic . When I finally made my way up to my seat , I was delighted to discover the two couples had moved over so they were still sitting directly behind me . And they were pleased that I 'd noticed . They said , " You can 't escape us ! " It made me smile . Overall , the morning went well . There were a couple of minor glitches , but nothing major . I think our fall is off to a good start . Have I mentioned lately that I love my job ? One of my ongoing frustrations has been that Daughter leaves wet dishrags in the sink . I have explained numerous times to Daughter that she needs to wring them out and hang them up , or they will begin to smell . It hasn 't worked . Our laundry room is now in a closet in the half bath right off the kitchen . I move the mildewed rags into the laundry area , and I smell them when I go in to use the bathroom . This week I pondered the situation . Was my goal to teach Daughter to take care of the dishrags , or to eliminate the odor ? Which was a more realistic goal ? I remembered my mom putting water and borax in the diaper pail in the bathroom . A trip to the superstore , and I had two sweater boxes . They sit on top of the dryer with water and borax in them . One has the things that can be bleached , the other the microfiber cloths that we use to clean the bathroom and such . I put the lids on them . Daughter doesn 't like them ( she has to reach over them to reach the dryer controls - - which she 's doing daily since she 's back to wetting the bed ) . I love them . I lost the battle to get Daughter to wring things out , but I won the war , because the mildew smell is gone . I was talking to my sisters this week , and Sister pointed out that Daughter hasn 't truly been stable for years . There have been brief stretches when she was doing better , but overall , it 's been several very challenging years . She asked me when was the last time she was truly stable . I began to think . In the spring of 2007 , Daughter was doing well . She 'd graduated from high school the previous year ( which had triggered some challenging times ) , and was now settling into her new routine at the workshop with friends . She expressed a desire to make contact with her birth mother . I had always told her that when she was an adult and I thought she could handle it , I 'd help her establish contact . Therapist and I had a long conversation about Daughter 's desire . Both of us had concerns about the impact that contact would have on Daughter , but she was doing so well we didn 't have any reason to delay it any longer . Daughter had been referring to her birth parents by their first names for years . They had failed to keep her safe , therefore they didn 't deserve the title of parents . Parents keep their children safe . So she wrote a letter to J . I showed her some of the material I had saved about her birth family , and we went through it together . J responded . Her response looked like it could have been written by a young child . Daughter wanted to talk to her , so we called her . They talked for a few minutes , then Daughter handed me the phone . I was talking to J when Daughter came out of the bathroom , sobbing . I quickly ended the call . I held Daughter as she sobbed in my arms . " She didn 't sound like a 49 year old woman . She sounded like a child . " " That 's part of the reason she couldn 't keep you safe . In many ways she was like a child . " One of the reasons Daughter had wanted to talk to J was so that J could answer her questions . Why had she allowed the abuse to happen ? Had she known Daughter was being molested ? Why hadn 't she kept her safe ? I had cautioned her from the beginning that J may not be able to give her the answers she was seePosted by Daughter was again disruptive at her program today . I got text before noon telling me I should be grateful she was there an not at home with me . I assured Program Manager I was very grateful . A mother was in to talk to PM about how much Daughter 's acting out bothers her son . She wondered if he could attend days Daughter doesn 't attend - - hard to do , given that Daughter is there 5 days a week . Now here 's the blessing : they aren 't calling me to come get her after a meltdown . They aren 't telling me she can 't be there until she 's stable . They 've put additional staff on to try to minimize the problems . Other participants are threatening to quit because of Daughter , but they aren 't kicking her out . I think I 'd be annoyed if I was the mother of one of the individuals being bothered by her , but I 'm not , so I 'm grateful . PM told me I could be in for a rough weekend . Her recommendation is that if Daughter threatens to kill me again , I have her hospitalized . Fortunately , so far my plan is working . I had the list of work on the kitchen table , and she came in and started working . A couple of times she has seemed to be moving toward a meltdown , but I haven 't taken the bait . She was concerned to find out Brother and family are coming tomorrow . She said she would frighten them . I told her she could go downstairs if things were getting to her . Now she 's excited about seeing her baby cousin . Hopefully she 'll continue to be cooperative tomorrow . If she moves to a group home , she will be changing programs . I 'd prefer to keep her in the current program , but they are looking forward to her going elsewhere . In fact , Program Manager hopes that the first one I visit Monday morning will work . We 'll see . The transition will be hard , wherever she goes . Daughter is not going to hold me hostage to her moods and drama this weekend . Brother and his family are coming tomorrow . I 'm going to make a list of the things that need to get done to get ready . I 'm going to lock her computer and the remote controls up . When she gets home she will have the option of working with me or pouting in her room . Either way is fine with me . I 'm not going to engage her . If she cooperates and the work gets done , she can have her computer back . If not , it will stay in her room while I do the work . If she 's in a mood tomorrow , she can stay in her room while I enjoy Brother and his family . I haven 't seen Nephew since May , so I know he 's grown a lot . I 'm looking forward to spending time with all of them tomorrow . I hope Daughter will want to be a part of the fun . If not , it 's her loss . When I dropped Daughter off at her program , she tearfully said , " I love you , Mom . I 'm sorry for whatever it is I did . " I told her I loved her as she got out , and then as she walked away , I called her back . " Don 't you remember threatening to kill me last night ? " " Yes , I remember . But that was yesterday . " She truly doesn 't understand that her words hurt , and that the pain can carry over into the next day . I don 't know how you teach that . I talked to Case Manager this morning . We will go visit residential possibilities beginning at 10 : 00 Monday morning . Further investigation has resulted in more doubts about their suitability for Daughter . It 's going to be impossible to find the perfect placement , I know , but I am not sure it 's a good idea to put her in a placement where the night staff is a man working alone . The home also doesn 't provide any transportation . There is an all female home for individuals with personality disorders , but she doesn 't qualify . Why doesn 't she qualify ? She doesn 't have a criminal record . " So if she finally does hurt me and I press charges , she 'll qualify or a placement that could handle her ? " I 'm still struggling with what I want to do about Brother and family tomorrow . I stopped at the store after my chocolate chip pancakes , and bought some things with the thought of having company tomorrow . I guess I need to contact them and see if they 're still planning to come . This could be a very long weekend . When I woke up this morning , the bus was out in front . I guess I was exhausted . I 'll take her to her program in a few minutes . She didn 't wet the bed last night , and she did sleep , apparently . She locked her bedroom door . I guess she needed protection from me . She also left her light on all night , so she probably was afraid to go to sleep again . I realize she 's suffering , and feel bad for her . At this point , though , my priority is my own safety , and she has worn me down . After I drop her off , I 'm going to eat breakfast at a pancake house . I think I need some chocolate chip pancakes this morning . Okay , maybe I don 't need them , but I do want them . I think I 'll contact Brother and Sister - in - law and see if we can reschedule our plans for tomorrow . Daughter once again threatened to kill me this evening . What , you may ask , did I do that was so terrible ? I said she needed a bedtime snack and got out ice cream for her . Yes , I 'm serious . Ice cream . I don 't know , maybe she would have preferred chocolate . It 's so ridiculous I have to laugh . I will sleep with my bedroom door locked tonight , and I will continue to keep knives locked up . She did create a crisis at her program today , and had two other people talking about quitting to escape her drama . She called me to come get her . Of course I didn 't . She informed me that she was going quit her program and stay home until she could find a job . Not happening . Daughter slept last night . I gave her the higher dose of her sleeping pill about 9 : 00 . She went to bed , and I could hear her in her bedroom talking to herself for about an hour . When I got up this morning , she was still asleep . I woke her about 5 : 30 . I asked if she 'd been up through the night , and she said she hadn 't , in fact , she 'd wet the bed . She put her linens in the washing machine before she left . I 'll take wet linens over the manic insomnia of the last few nights . She was calmer last night . She tried to get me to say no so she could get mad at me , but I refused to take her bait . I was tired , and she knew she 'd pushed me to my limit . She told me several times that she doesn 't mean to treat me badly . She didn 't rage when she couldn 't engage me . Improvements . I 'm grateful . I 'm still going to check out group homes on Monday . It 's time . When we saw Psychiatrist a week and a half ago , she said she wanted an update on Friday and then every week . Case Manager and Nurse followed up with an email asking for Tuesday updates . After very graphic updates yesterday and again today , I received an email from Nurse . She just found out Psychiatrist is on vacation this week . Maybe that 's why she wanted an update last Friday ? No medication adjustments until Monday . Suddenly Monday seemed like a very long way off . Then Case Manager reported on her lunch with Daughter and talked about how well Daughter was doing . It took a while , but I composed an email that went to the entire team . I said I was delighted that she did so well in public , and was tired of being her target at home . I pointed out that they stirred things up , and then I dealt with the fall out . I said I cope well , but I was reaching my limit . I pointed out she threatened to kill me last night , and that I slept with my bedroom door locked . Case Manager called about an hour later . She had talked to Therapist and then gone to talk to the residential placement person . Daughter is no longer 6 months away from an out of home placement . There is an opening in a home that technically she doesn 't qualify for because she doesn 't need that high a level of care , but that they will put her in because they need to fill the space . She would be in a supported living situation with 2 other people . She would have two rooms to herself . There is 24 hour staffing , and the staff is awake all night . They are trained for personality disorders . There is another diabetic in the house . She is setting up for me to go see the place on Monday . I will rearrange my schedule to do it . It 's about 30 minutes away , and Daughter would have to change her day program . That 's okay . Program Manager called on her way home and told me this is an unheard of opportunity and to jump on it . She told me Daughter will hurt me someday , it 's just a matter of time . Program Manager told me they don 't know how I keep dealing with Daughter . I commented thPosted by I 've been giving Daughter the minimum dose of her sleeping pill . Last night I decided to give her the full dose , and see if that would enable her to sleep through the night . It was close to 10 : 00 when she went to bed . When I got up to go the bathroom at 3 : 30 , she was awake and doing something with a book . I didn 't investigate further because I didn 't want to engage her . I went back to my bedroom and locked the door behind me . ( She was so volatile and making so many threats last night I decided to sleep with my door locked ) . When I got up at 5 : 30 , she was in the kitchen , dressed and organizing the homework Therapist had given her . So much for the increase in the sleeping pill helping her sleep through the night . In preparation for lunch with Case Manager , she had researched carb information at 3 fast food restaurants and had written down meals and carbs . She told me she wanted to make a fresh start . Am I optimistic ? No , I 'm tired . Very tired . The best I can say is that she 's someone else 's challenge for 10 hours today , and I 'm grateful for the break . I have Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder after 21 years with Daughter , and today I 'm on edge . Daughter 's current emotional roller coaster is taking a toll on me . I 've been walking almost 4 miles in the morning , which helps . It 's hard , though , to continue to ignore the verbal abuse and threats . It 's not easy , wondering what I can say to her that won 't trigger a rage . Therapist suggested to her today that Birth Brother is feeding into the current crisis . Daughter was furious . Turns out Birth Brother has not been responding to her messages . I think Therapist is on to something . We talked about it some in the car on the way home , and she cried . I reminded her he was damaged , too , and that this is why I had discouraged contact . She is setting one of the men in her program up to break his heart yet again . They have tried to keep them apart , but as Program Manager said , it 's like Daughter 's attraction to food . She can 't control it . I 'm tired . No , that 's not quite right . I 'm depressed . I never know when I open my mouth if Daughter will respond by screaming , growling , or laughing . It 's hard to keep my balance . I made her the pulled pork she asked for tonight . I bought her pickles and salt and vinegar chips when we stopped at the store to pick up buns . When I had the nerve to ask her to do a chore before she turned on her computer or the TV , she went ballistic . She 's done with this family . There are times when I wish it was that easy . . . . Daughter fell asleep sometime after 10 : 00 last night with the help of a sleeping pill . At 3 : 50 , she woke up and the paranoia about her room was gone . I found her when I got up a little after 4 : 00 sitting on her bed with her computer . I suggested she go back to sleep . She did , and it was almost 11 : 00 before she got up this morning . So it looks like she is continuing to cycle . Yesterday she was complaining of being depressed . Today she has worked along side me in the kitchen . I made a bunch of enchiladas for the freezer and at her request , some macaroni and cheese . Actually , I made rotini and cheese , as they didn 't have whole wheat macaroni at the food service supply store today . She chopped onions for me , but then got very irritable . She decided to clean out and organize part of the pantry . She did a beautiful job with it . She 'd get mad and announce she couldn 't do it , but then would quickly return to the job . I 'm staying out of her way right now . Directions from me tend to trigger explosions . She 's willing to be helpful , though , on her terms . I do see progress , but we still have a ways to go . We 'll be updating the Psychiatrist tomorrow . Daughter just came running out of her bedroom , shaking in terror . She 's convinced someone is outside her bedroom and getting ready to come in the patio door . We checked to make sure the patio door is securely locked , but she wanted to sleep in my bed . I told her it 's too hot . She insisted she doesn 't feel safe in her bedroom . I told her she could sleep on my bedroom floor . For years she slept on my bedroom floor because she was afraid in her bedroom . . She insists she can 't sleep until I go to bed an am next to her . I gave her one of her sleeping bills and sent her in to set up on my floor . Hopefully the sleeping pill will kick in quickly . I feel so bad for her . She is struggling so much . She desperately wants to go out and do things , but when we do , there is a major meltdown when we get home . Tomorrow we 're going to focus on mommy and daughter time here at home - - we 're going to make enchiladas for the freezer . She probably won 't be able to stick with the job , but hopefully it will distract her for a while , at least . Posted by Daughter struggles with self - control . For a month I 've been giving her the money for her activities at program instead of having staff hold it for her . She spent too much at the second - hand store one week , but the rest of the weeks she 's managed not to spend it all . I give her a little extra , in the hopes she 'll learn to save money to buy something bigger . She wants a new computer , so I told her that if she saved $ 100 , I 'd help her buy one . She has saved $ 17 from program , and this weekend she counted all her change ( which she doesn 't consider to be " real " money ) , and discovered she has another $ 10 . It will be interesting to see if she can manage to save $ 100 . I 'm pleased with the way the experiment is working thus far . . Today we started a second experiment in self - control . I bought some reduced fat cheese sticks at the warehouse store and some beef sticks . I gave her 4 of each to put in the unlocked refrigerator downstairs . I also got out some of my half cup containers and put a larger frozen strawberry in each , and then put sugar free strawberry banana jello in with the strawberry . I gave her 3 of those to put in her refrigerator , and we have another 4 in the refrigerator up here . I explained that she could decide when to eat those things , and when they ran out , I 'd give her more , provided she was being responsible about her eating . She was pleased , and as far as I know , hasn 't eaten anything yet . If she can learn self - control , it will open so many options for her . She continues to struggle with rapid cycling . She desperately wants to go out and do things , yet when we get home from an outing she has a huge meltdown . I hope we get the medication figured out quickly ! Today is the day of the Big Event in Tiny Village . Facebook friends have posted about getting ready for it , and I find myself really missing Tiny Village for the second time . The BE is the highlight of the year in Tiny Village , and I always enjoyed it . Always . Even when the church was a sauna and we sat there for over two hours roasting . I also was nostalgiac at Easter , when I missed working with the youth on the Sunrise Service . I am grateful to be here , but this weekend I 've been feeling this longing to be back in Tiny Village . Really , after living there for 14 years , it 's pretty amazing that I 've not missed it more . I know this is where God wants me to be , which made it easier to leave Tiny Village behind . This evening , though , I will be thinking of them as they gather for the Big Event . Maybe I 'll even go to youtube and find some videos that will remind me of it . Posted by Last night I worked the church 's concession booth at a college football game . It was a hot night in a close booth in very tight quarters . Daughter stayed with Administrative Assistant . She was with her for about 6 hours and did very well . She was pleasant and cooperative . I was impressed and optimistic when I picked her up . Then we got home . The meltdown began . After screams , threats , refusing to take her medicine or go to bed , she finally told me what was wrong . Her Friend from Tiny Village is pregnant with her second child . Daughter is jealous , because F has a husband , child , and second one on the way . She sees F as having a life , and insists she doesn 't have one . She also doesn 't have the patience , determination , or whatever it is it takes to get one at this point . She wants to jump into her own apartment and good paying job without learning how to take care of herself , finish a task , manage her moods , handle money , or even stay home alone . Anything less of that is not a life , according to Daughter . I reminded her again that she had to learn to walk before she could run , and know the letters before she could learn to read . None of that matters . She is jealous of F , and I 'm holding her back . I 've tried numerous different ways to teach her these basic skills . She 's been handling her own spending money for over a month now . She 's making progress - - in the first two weeks she ran out of money before the end of the week and couldn 't do the things she wanted to do on Thursday and Friday . But even with the progress she 's made , she still struggles to understand . She keeps asking to go to the store and buy a new computer , failing to understand that she can 't buy one for the $ 20 she has saved . I finally told her that when she saved $ 100 , I 'd help her buy a new computer . I thought that was a realistic amount for her to save , and though it wouldn 't pay for a whole computer , it would be a good start and help her learn to save money for big things . Of course , every other day she tells me to forget the computer and let her buy something else . Today she asked if she had enough to get her hair cut and relaxed . I continue to work with her on food , and she continues to show me that if I leave any food accessible , she will eat . Even if she doesn 't like it and isn 't hungry . I continue to work with hReverend Mom Daughter has new glasses . We spent the morning getting our eyes examined . She 's had diabetes for 11 years now , and no sign of diabetic eye problems , just very poor vision . Her old glasses are still missing , so we went from the ophthalmologist to a one hour glasses place and got her new glasses . While they were being made , we got lunch and I picked up some things for my cell phone . She is delighted to be able to see again . We had time to talk in the car this morning . We decided she won 't work the concession stand at the college football game . She 'll go hang out with Administrative Assistant . She 's afraid of having another meltdown . " Mom , I can 't control them . I hate that I can 't control it . " We also talked about her problems with others at her program . She sees herself as the victim , even though I know she has been cruel to others . I pointed that out , but she sees that as her defense . She 's not rationale enough yet to process it all . She 's improving , but still has a way to go . I suspect it will take some more tweaking of her medications . Posted by So it was about 12 : 30 , and I was telling someone that by this time yesterday I 'd had tearful calls from Daughter , but today she hadn 't called . My phone rang . Daughter was sobbing . I needed to come get her right that moment . She couldn 't wait until 2 : 30 , when I was scheduled to pick her up . I didn 't go pick her up . I did spend several minutes suggesting ways to cope and telling her I had confidence in her ability to manage until 2 : 30 . By the time I hung up , she was calmer . When I went to pick her up ( we had a home visit from adult services at 3 : 30 ) , she came rushing towards me and told me not to get out of the car . She grabbed my arm , trying to turn me around . I continued toward the building . She started screaming , " Some kind of mother you are . You 're talking to the enemy . I hate you . You 're a b * tch ! " A number of people were outside and their mouths were hanging open . They couldn 't believe that Daughter would blow up like that or treat me that way . I ignored the outburst , and explained there was no point engaging her when she was so angry . I also said I 'd seen much worse . Program Manager asked if Daughter ever hit me . I 'm not sending Daughter to program tomorrow , because we have appointments and commitments . She wanted to make sure I 'd get a break a some point over the long 4 day weekend . I think they were shocked by glimpse of my life . By the time we got home , Daughter was sobbing her apologies and talking about how much she hated being unable to control her outbursts . She doesn 't want to go out in public or be around people . It 's too embarrassing . I 'm encouraged , as the swings are not as extreme and the meltdowns don 't last as long as they did . It 's progress , and I 'll take all the progress I can get . We are hoping by the time she returns to her program on Tuesday , she 'll be better able to handle the situation . Of course , right now she insists she 's not going back ever again . She had done well most of the day , but Program Manager told me she was like a spider , luring the guys into her web by being all sweet and nice and then saying things that leave them hurt and angry . Daughter claims she 's the victim , of course . I 'll be so glad when we get the new medication figured out . Posted by Daughter needed a sleeping pill last night , but she was up the first time I called her this morning . She was in a good mood , and moved quickly . As we sat down to breakfast , she asked , " Did you put one of my new pills in this morning ? " After some clarification , I explained that she only gets the new anti - psychotic at supper . " But I want to take one in the morning , too ! " I see it as a very good sign that she wants to take the new pill twice a day . A very good sign ! Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . .