Zarbibi was sixteen years old , and four months pregnant , when she murdered her husband by trying to decapitate him with a kitchen knife . On the day of the murder , she offered to give her husband a massage , binding his hands and feet to the bed before taking his life . " The next morning , even though I was at the police station , I felt happy that he didn 't live in the world anymore , " Zarbibi writes in the account that follows . " Free from him now for the first time , I felt as light as a balloon that could just fly away . " Though her crime was sensational , Zarbibi 's life was otherwise in keeping with the norms of her Afghan community in Iran , says her lawyer , human rights attorney Hossein Raeesi . In Iran , increasing access to education has made child marriage less common . However , many Afghan migrants , excluded from Iranian citizenship and economic opportunity , continue the practice of marrying off their young daughters for the financial reward it brings - typically , the equivalent of four to five thousand dollars . As Zarbibi describes , her family supported her educational pursuits until both her father and brother - the family 's sole breadwinners - became unable to work . " Because we no longer had men to make money I had to get engaged to a guy I had never met before . " At the age of thirteen she was legally committed to a man of twenty - five , and at fifteen she was formally married , and forced to quit her family home and her studies . " With my first steps into my new house I felt like I had walked into my own grave , " she writes . In addition to the limitations imposed by her gender and class , Zarbibi 's isolation made it all but impossible for her to reach out for help . At one crucial moment in the following narrative , she thinks to flee her husband . But , as Raeesi asks , " Where would she have gone ? For her , the situation into which she was forced proved as much of a prison as the literal one where the legal system ultimately sent her . " Raeesi first met Zarbibi in jail , after she had been sentenced to death , and encouraged her to write the diary printed here as " both as a kind of therapy as well as a way to explain her story to the public . " This unedited document captures the distress of a young woman who wanted the right to choose when and whom to marry , as well as the uncertainty of a young mother contemplating her daughter 's future . Though the arc of her narrative can be confusing at times , her writing demonstrates a talent for self - expression , one made all the more remarkable considering her limited learning and marginal cultural place . " While her crime is exceptional , " says Raeesi , " the intense feelings that seemed to have motivated it articulate the struggle of so many women in similar positions . " According to Sharia law , the victim 's family can pardon , and thus acquit , a murderer of her or his crime . Following a lengthy defense , Zarbibi was pardoned by her husband 's family and released from her death sentence on the condition that she marry her late husband 's brother , with whom she he has since had two more children . Her freedom remains highly restricted and her daughter , born in prison , is not allowed to attend school . Out of concern for her safety and privacy , we are withholding Zarbibi 's full name . My little sister Havva was the first one of us girls to become a mother , though she still didn 't look like one . A child herself , only eleven years old , she had been married off to a man fifteen years older than her and from a much different world . Though very young , I knew about the pain my little sister endured , both physically and mentally . When she used to cry to come home , my father would bribe her with popcorn and cookies to stay with her husband . How could he do that ? I swear to God I wouldn 't even give away a single strand of my own precious daughter 's hair against her will . After poor Havva it was my sister Negar 's turn to marry . Negar was the third child in my family , the youngest . Since she married the brother of Havva 's husband , they both became sisters - in - law as well as actual sisters . Why is my family cursed in this way ? My mother thought that she could " save " her daughters from loneliness by marrying them off at such a young age . She had no idea how bad this other life could be . It killed me to see both of my sisters suffering . The thought that I might have to endure the same fate became my worst nightmare , something that terrified me since I was a very small girl . For me , the word " husband " meant " monster . " My heart broke when Negar moved out of our childhood home , and her heart broke too . She had been so attached to our family that she became severely depressed when living with her new husband . Her depression got even worse when she became pregnant with twins . One day we were playing together and all of a sudden she started screaming and shrieking and pulling out her hair . It scared me so much I almost peed myself . Unfortunately ( or maybe fortunately ? ) her babies died in labor . At least she was lucky enough to endure the pain of childbirth at the age of fourteen or fifteen , a few years later than Havva . Because we no longer had men to make money I had to get engaged to a guy I had never met before . One day when I was coming home from school I saw one of my relatives look at me in a strange way . I could tell something was wrong . When I got home I found my father crying . I knew he loved me a lot . He used to tell people , " I would not marry my little Zarbibi off till her hair turns as white as her teeth . " Wow . How quickly my hair must have turned the color of my teeth ! Later that night , when I told the family that I would refuse to go through with it , my mother lashed me so hard that my skin started crying for me . A pool of blood formed on my back , soon hardening into a dried cake . I ran away from my mother and future husband to the bathroom , quickly locking the door behind me . I just didn 't want to sleep with him . To me it seemed like the worst thing imaginable . The ground felt so cold that my feet started trembling . My mother threatened that she wouldn 't let me go to school if I didn 't come out of the bathroom . I loved school and studying so much that I would do anything for the chance to attend . I told her that I would come out of the bathroom if she would not make me go to him . There was no response . When they dragged me out of there they nearly beat me to death . I don 't know why my new husband wouldn 't try to stop it , since I now belonged to him . You 'd think he 'd want to protect me from harm . The next day my mother took me to school and told the principal that she didn 't want her daughter in classes anymore because she was misbehaving at home . The principal , who didn 't know anything about my situation , asked me not to misbehave so that my mother would let me return to my studies . I was too shy to tell the truth . Immediately in my marriage to him I longed for my father so much that I felt like I 'd explode . I wanted to call out to someone , anyone , who could save me , but there was no one except God . And I guess God was wearing earplugs . I can never forget the horror of being forced together with this man . I was only thirteen years old and had been married to someone much older , at the height of his masculine power , free to treat his wife however he chose without any regard for me . His cologne made me vomit . Two weeks after my marriage we went to my mother 's cousin 's wedding and we were planning to stay at this relative 's house for the night . I played with my relatives ' daughters all day long , having a great time . For one moment I felt free again , like a child . Out of nowhere my mother called me and said that I should gather all my siblings and go to my own home . I was very upset , and didn 't know why she 'd intervene like this . Then my sixth sense told me that my husband had probably come over to my family 's house , insisting that my mother make me return . I begged her to let me stay at my aunt 's house , but she refused . Sure enough , as soon as I took my younger relatives to my childhood home I saw him there . Convinced now that he was the cause , I slammed the door on him and went to the kitchen . I sat there for a little while . Then , I saw some detergent on the counter . I grabbed the bottle and swallowed at least a glass full . I got so sick that I filled the whole kitchen with vomit . My mother came in frantically because of my screaming , and when she saw me so sick she started yelling for help and ran out of the house . Oh my God , it felt like my body was burning from the inside and that nothing would put out the fire . I was sure I would die . I wish I did ! Had I died then , my family and my child would not suffer for what I ended up doing . After I got engaged , one of my sisters and her children moved back with us to escape her awful husband . The shame it brought to our family actually saved me from my fiancé for a while . I knew she upset everyone for escaping her marriage , but I 'm glad she did it . At that time my brother got into some trouble with drug dealing and had to run away . My father was away in Afghanistan , and the police detained my mother in his place . Then my sister took what little money we had left to go look for my brother to help us , leaving just us kids - me , my baby sister , and my other sister 's children - without men to protect us . I lived in terror that if my brother - in - law found out he would come take his kids away forever . Despite the fear of abandonment , I was happy that my fiancé couldn 't come over to our house anymore , grateful to find myself so independent . One evening he came and knocked at the door . I stayed frozen , telling him that I couldn 't open the door for anyone as long as my mother was away . My shocked little sister just stared at me . After half an hour of trying to get me to unlock the door , he got tired and left . That day , at least , it seemed as if God had given me two wings to fly away . I forgot all of my sorrow . All I could think of was the joy of not being with him at that moment . I bet no one would believe me , but even one second with him became like a thousand hours for me . Around that time we lived in the same building as a grocery store beside an alley . My sister , brother , and nephew all had worked there once in a while . Thank God that we didn 't starve to death . We would have all died of poverty if it weren 't for the owner at the store who employed us . To this day I pray for him to get everything he wants in life . He knew about our situation and helped us tremendously . I used to lie awake nights , longing for the time when I was very little and my father would take care of us . He liked me more than any of his other children . I was quite spoiled . I never thought I could fall so quickly from my father 's strong shoulders and onto the cold hard ground . My uncles didn 't even come to see us at this time out of shame because my sister had separated from her husband . The only person who came to see us was Haji Jalal , my mother 's cousin . Even he just visited for a few minutes , visibly upset over the shame my sister brought to us , as he quickly went back to his house . At nights I was scared to death alone in the house . I would usually prop up a blanket in front of the window , so that if someone was looking in from outside they would think that it was an adult asleep near the children . I would then go and sleep in the middle of the room . When the kids would come back home from work , they were always careful not to wake me . They would sleep in their wet clothes , since it was too cold to change . To this day I don 't understand how during this time none of the kids complained . After such a harsh life , I really hope they 've all come to realize their greatest dreams as they 've grown older . Despite the fear of being alone , I remember being so happy that my future husband couldn 't touch me . When I 'd leave home to go to school , he used to chase me through the neighborhood . I 'd try to escape from him as best I could . Then suddenly , when my father returned from Afghanistan , my fiancé came with his father to take me away . My father talked to me and said that it wasn 't right for me to just stay engaged , and since my mother was not around I should go to my new husband 's house . At first I refused to go , and that worked for a little while . Soon , however , my father - in - law insisted that my family deliver me to his home . Nobody - not my father , mother , or sisters - even asked me if I was ready . At times I wonder whether they considered me a human being or a lamb to sacrifice for their own good . I had worked so hard to give to my family , and I loved them very much . I would never have abandoned them under any circumstances . Within the safe confines of my family , I felt independent , able to be a daughter and sister . I could also never have imagined myself forced to become somebody 's wife . Besides , school had just started ! Whenever I saw my cousin going to school , I 'd get so excited and jealous . I dreamt of going to school too , and I couldn 't understand how some kids in my neighborhood didn 't like to study . I 'll never forget the first day I finally went to school . I felt like I could fly down the road to the schoolhouse . Every year I would get so nervous during registration time , terrified they wouldn 't let me return to my studies . Anyway , on the twenty - eighth day of Ramadan it happened . I couldn 't believe it . I kept waiting for God to help me . My sisters and a lot of other relatives and friends showed up at our house . All of a sudden my sister burst out crying so loud that she made all the others cry . I was still too shocked to show any emotion . I don 't know when I finally fell asleep , but once I did I felt something cold on my hand . When I opened my eyes , they were putting henna on my palms . To me , it felt like an oppressive shroud . I hope no one ever has to go through this experience . It might not seem like a big deal , but it was to me . The next day I kept waiting for a miracle so I wouldn 't have to go . Nothing happened . I cried so much I couldn 't even walk . My misery had just begun . I was hopeless . With my first steps into my new house I felt like I had walked into my own grave . My husband 's house was next to a garden I used to pass by when I played as a child . Strange , but I had always been afraid of that garden , sensing some danger there . I now realize why I feared it . Stepping now into his yard , I felt like I started to choke . My sister came with me the first time I went to my husband 's house . ( She knew what would happen if she didn 't . ) I actually couldn 't breathe . I wish my sister hadn 't come that day , so I could have killed myself . She stayed with me for just one night , returning to her home in Shiraz the next day . I had only been in my husband 's home for a week when I had an excuse to return to my neighborhood for a party . When I went back to my family home , the first thing I did was to go to my old school to see my friends . They all asked me why I hadn 't been going to school . I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth . When I told my family I really wanted to go back to school , they all laughed at me . They said , " Young lady , you won 't be staying with us long enough to go back to school . " I can 't believe that my greatest dream went down the drain . They thought that I was a grown - up , just because I was tall . They didn 't know how much I felt like a child . I just liked playing with kids , going to the park , and attending school . I never felt ready to have a husband and become a housewife . After our first few months together my husband had become really upset with me . I didn 't want him to be angry , but it was his fault I felt so miserable . During the day I 'd do what I could to keep far away from him , but at night I had to sleep next to him . Our room was next to my father - in - law 's room . When we fought , I 'd fear that he would hear us , so I tried not to say anything . When he beat me I 'd cry , not so much because of the pain , but because I had to sleep next to him . I 'd tell myself that I should be sleeping next to my parents and my adorable little brother . My husband would first try to talk with me , then we 'd argue , and then he 'd start getting physical . I wanted to die , just so he couldn 't touch me anymore . When he put his hands on me , I was just a piece of meat for him to devour as he wished . Around this time we were picking some sour oranges from a tree in the neighborhood . All of a sudden I felt sick to my stomach and threw up . One of the older female relatives started laughing and seemed really happy . I couldn 't believe it : I was pregnant . It had been a month since I saw my parents . Like a crazy person in jail , I drew a line on a wall to count each day that I had not seen them . I figured out it had been exactly thirty days . Then , in the early evening , my mother came to take me home . My husband at first refused to let me go with her because we had just fought the night before , but my kind father - in - law , who pretended not to know what was going on , assured his son that it was all right to let me leave . I went to a gynecologist the next day . All this time I had hoped that I could somehow escape my marriage . Meanwhile , everyone in my family thought that I would change after a while and just accept it like the other girls . So many girls were in worse marriages than mine , but after a while they 'd surrender to the inevitable . I don 't know why I couldn 't change and become like the others . So many times I 'd try to talk to myself , saying to just live with it , but nothing worked . When I found out that my sweetie Nazzi was in my stomach , I would tell myself that she would one day become another girl married off just like me . We were destined to share the same future . She 'd be better off not coming into this world . She 'd be better off dead . Once I got pregnant , I insisted that I wouldn 't go back to my husband 's house . I told those around me that I wanted a divorce , but nobody took me seriously . I went to a bus station to get a ticket for Zahedan , near the border . I thought I 'd first just get away , then I 'd decide what to do next . But when I got ready to go , I couldn 't leave the house . I was too scared , so I just sat on the stairs and started crying . When my sister came in and saw my bag and my ticket , we watched our mother go into the kitchen , pick up a knife , and try to kill herself over the shame I was bringing her . We struggled to take the knife from her . I saw that her body was badly bruised from beating herself up . I then realized that my family couldn 't help me at all . I had been married already for eight months , and I was now four months pregnant . I felt horrible this last time I was at my mother 's house . I kissed the walls of my home , and there was so much crying among us that I almost fainted . My husband came to take me home around Friday afternoon . Usually it took me forever to finally agree to go home with him . This time , however , was different . I just decided to go . A few minutes before we left , I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife . I decided to take it with me . I don 't even know why I took a knife from my family 's house when we had a knife at his house too . Every mean word he said and every little way he acted out in anger now made me more determined to take action . I felt in that moment like a strange energy had come over my body . Even though I kept telling myself that he is young and has hopes for the future as well as parents and a sister who love him , I would suddenly forget about all that . I couldn 't talk myself out of it , and finally that evil night came to pass . I had suddenly become a murderer , a person who had taken somebody else 's life for her own selfish happiness . I never wanted to have my life story turn out like this . I blame myself , but also I blame them for it . I don 't know if whoever reads my story will hate me or not , but it doesn 't matter because it 's the truth . I couldn 't believe after it was over that I no longer belonged to someone else . The next morning , even though I was at the police station , I felt happy that he didn 't live in the world anymore . I really wanted to experience breathing my own breath someday outside of the court and the jail without being scared of him or having people talk about me as a married woman . I wish I could go back to a time when nobody even mentioned his name . Even so , free from him now for the first time , I felt as light as a balloon that could just fly away . The first five months in jail I didn 't know the difference between being imprisoned and being free . It hadn 't changed much for me . On the 20th of December , late in the evening , I gave birth to my darling Nazzi . I was sixteen . I didn 't think she would live . I told myself that if she did she would definitely become disabled . But God gave me a healthy little girl . It was then that I realized what life was all about . Her innocent face made me cry just to look at her . My sweetie was just three months old when I was sent to court . It was very cold and dark at the precinct where I stayed before my trial . Thank God I had taken a blanket with me for my little girl . The court quickly finished and I was convicted . I started making artificial flowers and little dolls to raise money . My family would sometimes help me financially and would bring things for my sweetie , from clothes to toys and so much more . My husband 's family didn 't even bother to bring a pair of socks for her . It was a difficult time . To raise an innocent girl among these people who had their own problems wasn 't easy . But my sweetie was becoming more beautiful and energetic day by day . She was very smart and clever and in spite of her young age she was aware of everything . She quickly knew where we were and why we were there . I wanted her to know my version of things before somebody else told her a different story . In spite of all these hardships , she grew up very quickly . Then one horrible day they called me to go to family court . That day my nightmare of her being taken away from me began . Each time my in - laws came I would make up an excuse for them not to take my daughter away from me and they would leave . The last few times my in - laws came I kissed their feet and begged them so much not to take my child away from me that I was exhausted . Each time they came to take her , all the inmates were in mourning . My poor little child would cry so much that she didn 't have any energy any more either . When my in - laws ' lawyer came and saw my daughter , he too was very upset that this was happening . He 'd say , " I really don 't want to separate you from your daughter , but nothing can prevent this . " I knew I had to be punished for what I had done . I had deprived a mother from seeing her own child , and now my mother - in - law wanted revenge . I hated myself for being so powerless , both inside the prison and outside of it . When I was outside I couldn 't decide for myself and now I couldn 't decide for my daughter in jail . I then realized that my existence didn 't matter at all . I don 't know what whoever reads this journal will think of me . Please believe me that I was in such a situation that I couldn 't use my brain . I tried very hard to work on myself and live with my husband . I really did . But I just couldn 't make it work . I was only sixteen and had no life experience . I beg you to pull me out of this trap if you can . I haven 't lived that long , and I am just now noticing the meaning of life . I don 't think sixteen years of living is enough to see the world . I lived in an inferno for five years and five months . Only God knows how much I suffered then . I hope that God and my husband 's family have forgiven me . I do know that Nazzi 's father must have forgiven me because he alone witnessed how much I was suffering .