CHAPTER XIII. The Peterkins celebrate the 4th of July. The day began early.  They were to be allowed to usher in the glorious day by the blowing of horns exactly at sunrise. But they were to blow them for precisely five minutes only, and no sound of the horns should be heard afterward till the family were downstairs. It was thought that a peace might thus be bought by a short, though crowded, period of noise. The morning came, even before the morning, at half-past three o'clock, a terrible blast of the horns aroused the whole family. Mrs. Peterkin clasped her hands to her head and exclaimed, I am thankful the lady from Philadelphia is not here, for she had been invited to stay a week, but had declined to come before the 4th of July, as she was not well, and her doctor had prescribed quiet. Even the number of the horns was most remarkable. It was as though every cow in the place had arisen and was blowing through both her own horns.  How many have we?" exclaimed Mr. Peterkin, going over their names one by one mechanically, thinking he would do it, as he might count imaginary sheep jumping over a fence to put himself to sleep. Alas! The counting could not put him to sleep now, in such a den. And how unexpectedly long the five minutes seemed, Elizabeth Eliza was to take out her watch and give the signal for the end of the five minutes, and the ceasing of the horns. Why did not the signal come? Why did not Elizabeth Eliza stop them? And certainly it was long before sunrise there was no dawn to be seen. We will not try this plan again, said Mrs. Peterkin, if we live to another fourth, Mr. Peterkin hastening to the door to inquire into the state of affairs. Alas!  And they understood the day as beginning when they went to bed the night before. This accounted for the number of horns. It would have been impossible to hear any explanation, but the five minutes were over, and the horns had ceased, and there remained only the noise of a singular leaping of feet, explained perhaps by a possible pillow fight, that kept the family below partially awake until the bells and cannon made known the dawning of the glorious day, the sunrise, or the rising of the suns, as Mr. Peterkin called it, when they heard the little boys and their friends clattering down the stairs to begin the outside festivities. They were bound first for the swamp, for Elizabeth Eliza, at the suggestion of the lady from Philadelphia, had advised them to hang some flags around the pillars of the piazza. Now the little boys knew of a place in the swamp where they had been in the habit of digging for flag-root, and where they might find plenty of flag-flowers. They did bring away all they could, but they were a little out of bloom. The boys were in the midst of nailing up all they had on the pillars of the piazza when the procession of the antiques and horribles passed along, and the procession saw the festive arrangements on the piazza, and the crowd of boys who cheered them loudly. It stopped to salute the house with some special strains of greeting. Before Mrs. Peterkin they were directly under her windows. In a few moments of quiet during the boys' absence from the house on their visit to the swamp she had been trying to find out whether she had a sick headache, or whether it was all the noise, and she was just deciding it was the sick headache, if it was falling into a light slumber when the fresh noise outside began. There were the imitations of the crowing of cocks, and braing of donkeys, and the sound of horns encored and increased by the cheers of the boys, then began the torpedoes. And they had Chinese crackers also, and in despair of sleep the family came down to breakfast. Mrs. Peterkin had always been much afraid of fireworks, and had never allowed the boys to bring gunpowder into the house. She was even afraid of torpedoes. They looked so much like sugar-plums she was sure some of the children would swallow them, and explode before anybody knew it. She was very timid about other things. She was not even sure about peanuts. Everybody exclaimed over this. Surely there was no danger in peanuts! But Mrs. Peterkin declared she had been very much alarmed at the centennial exhibition, and in the crowded corners of the streets in Boston at the peanut stands, where they had machines to roast the peanuts. She did not think it was safe. They might go off any time in the midst of a crowd of people too. Mr. Peterkin thought there actually was no danger, and he should be sorry to give up the peanut. He thought at an American institution, something really belonging to the Fourth of July, he even confessed to a quiet pleasure in crushing the empty shells with his feet on the sidewalks as he went along the streets. Like a memnon thought it a simple joy. In consideration, however, of the fact that they had no real celebration of the Fourth of the last year, Mrs. Peterkin had consented to give over the day, this year, to the amusement of the family as a centennial celebration. She would prepare herself for a terrible noise, only she did not want any gunpowder wrought into the house.  Solomon John had been very busy in inventing some fireworks, as Mrs. Peterkin objected to the use of gunpowder he found out from the dictionary what the different parts of gunpowder are, salt, Peter, charcoal, and sulfur. While he discovered they had in the woodhouse, salt, Peter, they could find in the cellar, in the beef barrel, and sulfur they could buy at the apothecaries. He explained to his mother that these materials had never yet exploded in the house, and she was quieted. Agamemnon, meanwhile, remembered a recipe he had read somewhere for making a fulminating paste of iron filings and powder of brimstone. He had written it down on a piece of paper in his pocket-book, but the iron filings must be finely powdered. This they began upon a day or two before, and the very afternoon before laid out some of the paste on the piazza. Pinwheels and rockets were contributed by Mr. Peterkin for the evening. According to a program drawn up by Agamemnon and Solomon John, the reading of the Declaration of Independence was to take place in the morning on the piazza under the flags. The Bromwicks brought over their flag to hang over the door. "'This is what the lady from Philadelphia meant,' explained Elizabeth Eliza. "'She said the flags of our country,' said the little boys. We thought she meant in the country.' Quite a company assembled, but it seemed nobody had a copy of the Declaration of Independence. Elizabeth Eliza said she could say one line if they each could add as much, but it proved they all knew the same line that she did as they began, when in the course of when in the course of when in the course of human when in the course of human events when in the course of human events it becomes necessary when in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people that could not get any farther. Some of the party decided that one people was a good place to stop, and the little boys sent off some fresh torpedoes in honor of the people. But Mr. Peterkin was not satisfied. He invited the assembled party to stay until sunset, and meanwhile he would find a copy, and the torpedoes were to be saved to be fired off at the close of every sentence. And now the noon bells rang, and the noon bells ceased. Mrs. Peterkin wanted to ask everybody to dinner. She should have some cold beef. She had led a man to go, because it was the fourth, and everybody ought to be free that one day, so she could not have much of a dinner, but when she went to cut her beef she found Solomon had taken it to soak on account of the salt-peter for the fireworks. Well they had a pig, so she took a ham, and the boys had bought tamarinds and buns and a coconut, so the company stayed on, and when the antiques and horribles passed again they were treated to peanuts and lemonade. They sung patriotic songs, they told stories, they fired torpedoes, they frightened the cats with them. It was a warm afternoon. The red poppies were out wide, and the hot sun poured down the alleyways in the garden. There was a seething sound of a hot day in the buzzing of insects, and the steaming heat that came up from the ground. Some neighboring boys were firing a toy cannon. Every time it went off Mrs. Peterkin started, and looked to see if one of the little boys was gone. Mr. Peterkin had set out to find a copy of the declaration. Agamemnon had disappeared. She had not a moment to decide about her headache. She asked Anne Maria if she were not anxious about the fireworks, and if rockets were not dangerous. They went up, but you never were sure where they came down. And then came a fresh tumult. All the fire engines in the town rushed toward them, clanging with bells, men and boys yelling. They were out for a practice, and for a Fourth of July show. Mrs. Peterkin thought the house was on fire, and so did some of the guests. There was a great rushing hither and thither. Some thought they would better go home. Some thought they would better stay. Mrs. Peterkin hastened into the house to save herself, or see what she could save. Elizabeth Eliza followed her first proceeding to collect all the pokers and tongs she could find, because they could be thrown out of the window without breaking. She had read of people who had flung looking glasses out of the window by mistake in the excitement of the house being on fire, and had carried the pokers and tongs carefully into the garden. There was nothing like being prepared. She had always determined to do the reverse. So with calmness she told Solomon John to take down the looking glasses, but she met with a difficulty. There were no pokers and tongs, as they did not use them. They had no open fires. Mrs. Peterkin had been afraid of them. So Elizabeth Eliza took all the pots and kettles up to the upper windows, ready to be thrown out. But where was Mrs. Peterkin? Solomon John found she had fled to the attic in terror. He persuaded her to come down, assuring her it was the most unsafe place. She insisted upon stopping to collect some bags of old pieces that nobody would think of saving from the general wreck, she said, unless she did. Alas! This was the result of fireworks on Fourth of July. As they came downstairs they heard the voices of all the company declaring, there was no fire, the danger was past, it was long before Mrs. Peterkin could believe it. They told her the fire company was only out for show, and to celebrate the Fourth of July. She thought it already too much celebrated. Elizabeth Eliza's kettles and pans had come down through the windows with a crash. That had only added to the festivities the little boys thought. Mr. Peterkin had been roaming about all this time in search of a copy of the Declaration of Independence. The public library was shut, and he had to go from house to house. But now, as the sunset bells and cannon began, he returned with a copy and read it to the pealing of the bells and the sounding of the cannon. Torpedoes and crackers were fired at every pause. Some sweet marjoram pots, tin cans filled with crackers which were lighted, went off with great explosions. At the most exciting moment near the close of the reading Agamemnon with an expression of terror pulled Solomon John aside. I have suddenly remembered where I read about the fulminating paste we made. It was in the preface to Woodstock, and I have been around to borrow the book to read the directions over again, because I was afraid about the paste going off. Read this quickly, and tell me, where is the fulminating paste? Solomon John was busy winding some covers of paper over a little parcel. It contained chlorate of potash and sulfur mixed. A friend had told him of the composition. The more thicknesses of paper you put round it, the louder it would go off. You must pound it with a hammer. Solomon John felt it must be perfectly safe as his mother had taken potash for a medicine. He still held the parcel as he read from Agamemnon's book. This paste, when it has been lain together about twenty-six hours, will of itself take fire and burn all the sulfur away with a blue flame and a bad smell. Where is the paste? repeated Solomon John in terror. We made it just twenty-six hours ago, said Agamemnon. We put it on the piazza, exclaimed Solomon John rapidly recalling the facts, and it is in front of our mother's feet. He hastened to snatch the paste away before it should take fire, flinging aside the packet in his hurry. Agamemnon jumping upon the piazza at the same moment trod upon the paper parcel, which exploded at once with a shock, and he fell to the ground while at the same moment the paste fulminated, into a blue flame directly in front of Mrs. Peterkin. It was a moment of great confusion. There were cries and screams, the bells were still ringing, the cannon firing, and Mr. Peterkin had just reached the closing words, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor. We are all blown up as I feared we should be, Mrs. Peterkin at length ventured to say, finding herself in a lilac bush by the side of the piazza. She scarcely dared to open her eyes to see the scattered limbs about her. It was so withal. Even Anne Maria Bromwick clutched a pillar of the piazza with closed eyes. At length Mr. Peterkin said, calmly, "'Is anybody killed?' There was no reply. Nobody could tell whether it was because everybody was killed or because they were too wounded to answer. It was a great while before Mrs. Peterkin ventured to move. That little boy soon shouted with joy and cheered the success of Solomon John's fireworks and hoped he had some more. One of them had his face blackened by the unexpected cracker, and Elizabeth Eliza's muslin dress was burned here and there, but no one was hurt. No one had lost any limbs, though Mrs. Peterkin was sure she had seen some flying in the air. Nobody could understand how, as she had kept her eyes firmly shut. No greater accident had occurred than the singeing of the tip of Solomon John's nose. But there was an unpleasant and terrible odor from the fulminating paste. Mrs. Peterkin was extricated from the lilac bush. No one knew how she got there. Indeed the thundering noise had stunned everybody. It had roused the neighborhood even more than before. Answering explosions came on every side, and though the sunset light had not faded away the little boys hastened to send off rockets under cover of the confusion. Solomon John's other fireworks would not go, but all felt he had done enough. Mrs. Peterkin retreated into the parlor, deciding she really did have a headache. At times she had to come out when a rocket went off to see if it was one of the little boys. She was exhausted by the adventures of the day, and almost thought it could not have been worse if the boys had been allowed gunpowder. The distracted lady was thankful. There was likely to be but one centennial forth in her lifetime, and declared she should never more keep anything in the house as dangerous as salt-peetered beef, and she should never venture to take another spoonful of potash. CHAPTER XIV THE PETERKIN'S PICKNICK There was some doubt about the weather. Solomon John looked at the probabilities. There were to be areas of rain in the New England States. Agamemnon thought, if they could only know where the areas of rain were to be, they might go to the others. Mr. Peterkin proposed walking around the house in a procession to examine the sky. As they returned they met Anne-Marie Bromwick, who was to go, much surprised not to find them ready. Mr. and Mrs. Peterkin were to go in the Carriole, and take up the lady from Philadelphia, and Anne-Marie, with the rest, was to follow in a wagon, and to stop for the daughters of the lady from Philadelphia. The wagon arrived, and so Mr. Peterkin had the horse put into the Carriole. A basket had been kept on the back piazza for some days, where anybody could put anything that would be needed for the picnic as soon as it was thought of. Agamemnon had already decided to take a thermometer. Somebody was always complaining of being too hot or too cold at a picnic, and it would be a great convenience to see if she really were so. He thought, now he might take a barometer as probabilities was so uncertain. Then if it went down in a threatening way they could all come back.  They had never tried them at home. It might be a good chance on the hills. Solomon John had put in some fishing poles. Elizabeth Eliza a book of poetry. Mr. Peterkin did not like sitting on the ground, and proposed taking two chairs, one for himself and one for anybody else.  They jumped in and out of the wagon a dozen times, with new India rubber boots, but for the occasion. Before they started Mrs. Peterkin began to think she had already had enough of the picnic. What with going and coming and trying to remember things, so many mistakes were made. The things that were to go in the wagon were put in the carry-all, and the things in the carry-all had to be taken out for the wagon. Elizabeth Eliza forgot her waterproof, and had to go back for her veil, and Mr. Peterkin came near to forgetting his umbrella. Mrs. Peterkin sat on the piazza and tried to think. She felt as if she must have forgotten something, she knew she must. Why could she not think of it now, before it was too late? It seems hard any day to think of what to have for dinner, but how much easier now it would be to stay at home quietly, and order the dinner, and there was the butcher's cart. But now they must think of everything. At last she was put into the carry-all, and Mr. Peterkin in front to drive. Twice they started, and twice they found something was left behind, the loaf of fresh brown bread on the back piazza, and a basket of sandwiches on the front porch, and just as the wagon was leaving the little boy shrieked, the basket of things was left behind. Everybody got out of the wagon. Agamemnon went back into the house to see if anything else were left. He looked into the closets, he shut the front door, and was so busy that he forgot to get into the wagon himself. It started off and went down the street without him. He was wondering what he should do if he were left behind. Why had they not thought to arrange a telegraph wire to the back wheel of the wagon, so that he might have sent a message in such a case? When the Bromwicks drove out of their yard in their buggy, and took him in, they joined the rest of the party at Tatum Corners, where they were all to meet and consult, where they were to go. Mrs. Peterkin called to Agamemnon as soon as he appeared. She had been holding the barometer and the thermometer, and they waggled so that it troubled her. It was hard keeping the thermometer out of the sun, which would make it so warm. It really took away her pleasure, holding the things. Agamemnon decided to get into the carry-all, on the seat with his father, and take the barometer and the thermometer. The consultation went on. Should they go to Cherry Swamp, or Lone Town Hill? You had the view if you went to Lone Town Hill, but maybe the drive to Cherry Swamp was prettier. Somebody suggested asking the lady from Philadelphia, as the picnic was got up for her. But where was she? I declare, said Mr. Peterkin, I forgot to stop for her. The whole picnic there and no lady from Philadelphia. It seemed the horse had twitched his head in a threatening manner as they passed the house, and Mr. Peterkin had forgotten to stop, and Mrs. Peterkin had been so busy managing the thermometers that she had not noticed and the wagon had followed on behind. Mrs. Peterkin was in despair. She knew they had forgotten something. She did not like to have Mr. Peterkin make a short turn, and it was getting late. And what would the lady from Philadelphia think of it? And had they not better give it all up? But everybody said no! And Mr. Peterkin said he could make a wide turn around the Lovejoy Barn, so they made the turn and took up the lady from Philadelphia and the wagon followed behind and took up their daughters, for there was a driver in the wagon beside Solomon John. And Maria Bromwick said it was so late by this time they might as well stop and have the picnic on the common, but the question was put again, where should they go? The lady from Philadelphia decided for Strawberry Nook. It sounded inviting. There were no strawberries, and there was no Nook, it was said, but there was a good place to tie the horses. Mrs. Peterkin was feeling a little nervous, for she did not know what the lady from Philadelphia would think of there having forgotten her, and the more she tried to explain it, the worse it seemed to make it. She supposed they never did such things in Philadelphia. She knew they had invited all the world to a party, but she was sure she would never want to invite anybody again. There was no fun about it till it was all over. Such a mistake to have a party for a person and then go without her! But she knew they would forget something. She wished they had not called it their picnic. There was another bother, Mr. Peterkin stopped. Was anything broke? exclaimed Mrs. Peterkin, with something forgotten. Asked the lady from Philadelphia, No, but Mr. Peterkin didn't know the way, and here he was leading all the party, and a long row of carriages following. They stopped, and it seemed nobody knew the way to Strawberry Nook, unless it was the Gibbons boys who were far behind. They were made to drive up, and said that Strawberry Nook was in a quite different direction, but they could bring the party round to it through the meadows. The lady from Philadelphia thought they might stop anywhere. Such a pleasant day, but Mr. Peterkin said they were started for Strawberry Nook, and had better keep on. So they kept on. It proved to be an excellent place, where they could tie the horses to a fence. Mrs. Peterkin did not like their all heading different ways. It seemed as if any of them might come at her, and tear up the fence, especially as the little boys had their kites flapping round. The tremlets insisted upon the whole party going up the hill. It was too damp below. So the Gibbons boys, and the little boys, and Agamemnon, and Solomon John, and all the party had to carry everything up to the rocks. The large basket of things was very heavy. It had been difficult to lift it into the wagon, and it was harder to take it out. But with the help of the driver, and Mr. Peterkin, and old Mr. Bromwick, it was got up the hill. And at last it was all arranged. Mr. Peterkin was seated in his chair. The other was offered to the lady from Philadelphia, but she preferred the carriage cushions. So did old Mr. Bromwick, and the tablecloth was spread, for they did bring a tablecloth, and the baskets were opened, and the picnic really began. The pickles had tumbled into the butter, and the spoons had been forgotten, and the tremlets basket had been left on their front doorstep. But nobody seemed to mind. Everybody was hungry, and everything they ate seemed of the best. The little boys were perfectly happy, and ate all of the kinds of cake. Two of the tremlets would stand while they were eating, because they were afraid of the ants and the spiders that seemed to be crawling around. And Elizabeth Eliza had to keep poking with a fern-leaf to drive the insects out of the plates. The lady from Philadelphia was made comfortable with the cushions and shawls, leaning against a rock. Mrs. Peterkin wondered if she forgot. She had been forgotten. John Osburn said it was the time for the conundrums, and asked, why is a pastoral musical play better than the music we have here? One is a grass-hopper, and the other is a grass-hoppera. Elizabeth Eliza said she knew a conundrum, a very funny one. One of her friends in Boston had told her. It was, why is—it began, why is something like—no, why are they different? It was something about an old woman, or else it was something about a young one. It was very funny, if she could only think of it—if she could only think of what it was about, and whether it was alike or different. The lady from Philadelphia was proposing they should guess Elizabeth Eliza's conundrum, first the question, and then the answer. When one of the tremlets came running down the hill and declared she had just discovered a very threatening cloud, and she was sure it was going to rain down directly. Everybody started up, though no cloud was to be seen. There was a great looking for umbrellas and waterproofs, and it appeared that Elizabeth Eliza had left hers, after all, though she had gone back for it twice. Mr. Peterkin knew he had not forgotten his umbrella, because he had put the whole umbrella stand into the wagon, and it had been brought up the hill, but it proved to hold only the family canes. There was a great cry for the emergency basket, that had not been opened yet. Mr. Peterkin explained how for days the family had been putting into it what might be needed as soon as anything was thought of. Everybody stopped to see its contents. It was carefully covered with newspapers. First came out a backgammon board. That would be useful, said Anne-Marie, if we have to spend the afternoon in anybody's barn. Next a pair of andyans. What were they for? In case of needing a fire in the woods, explained Solomon John, then came a volume of the Encyclopedia. But it was the first volume, Agamemnon now regretted, and contained only A in part of B in nothing about rain or showers. Next a bag of peanuts, put in by the little boys, and Elizabeth Eliza's book of poetry, and a change of boots for Mr. Peterkin, a small foot rug in case the ground should be damp, some paint boxes of the little boys, a box of fish hooks for Solomon John, an ink bottle carefully done up in a great deal of newspaper, which was fortunate as the ink was oozing out, some old magazines and a blacking bottle, and at the bottom a sundial. It was all very entertaining, and there seemed to be something for every occasion but the present. Old Mr. Bromwick did not wonder the basket was so heavy. It was also interesting that nobody but the tremlets went down to the carriages. The sun was shining brighter than ever, and Anne Maria insisted on setting up the sundial. Certainly there was no danger of a shower, and they might as well go on with the picnic. But when Solomon John and Anne Maria had arranged the sundial, they asked everybody to look at their watches so they might see if it was right. And then came a great exclamation at the hour. It was time they were all going home. The lady from Philadelphia had been wrapping her shawl about her, as she felt the sun was low. But nobody had any idea it was so late. Well, they had left late, and went back a great many times, and had stopped sometimes to consult, and had been along on the road, and had taken a long time to fetch up the things. So it was no wonder it was time to go away. But it had been a delightful picnic, after all. 15 The Peterkin's Charades Ever since the picnic, the Peterkins had been wanting to have something at their house, in the way of entertainment. The little boys wanted to get up a great exposition, to show to the people of the place. But Mr. Peterkin thought it too great an effort to send to foreign countries for exhibits, and it was given up. There was, however, a new water trough needed on the town common, and the ladies of the place thought it might be something handsome, something more than a common trough, and they ought to work for it. Elizabeth Eliza had heard at Philadelphia how much women had done, and she felt they ought to contribute to such a cause. She had an idea, but she would not speak of it at first, not until after she had written to the lady from Philadelphia. She had often thought, in many cases, if they had asked her advice first, they might have saved trouble. Still, how could they ask advice before they themselves knew what they wanted? It was very easy to ask advice, but you must first know what to ask about. And again, Elizabeth Eliza felt you might have ideas, but you could not always put them together. Here was this idea of the water trough, and then this idea of getting some money for it. So she began with writing to the lady from Philadelphia. The little boys believed she spent enough for it in postage stamps before it all came out. But it did come out at last, that the Peterkins were to have some charades at their own house for the benefit of the needed water trough. Tickets sold only to special friends. Maria Bromwick was to help act, because she could bring some old bonnets and gowns that had been worn by an aged aunt years ago, and which they had always kept. Elizabeth Eliza said that Solomon John would have to be a Turk, and they must borrow all the red things and cashmere scarfs in the place. She knew people would be willing to lend things. Agamemnon thought you ought to get in something about the Hindus. They were such an odd people. Elizabeth Eliza said you must not have it too odd, or people would not understand it, and she did not want anything to frighten her mother. She had one word suggested by the lady from Philadelphia in her letters, the one that had Turk in it, but they ought to have two words. Oh yes, and Maria said you must have two words if the people paid for their tickets they would want to get their money's worth. Solomon John thought you might have Hindus.   A great many other words were talked of too, but nothing seemed to suit. There was a curtain too, to be thought of, because the folding doors stuck when you tried to open and shut them. Agamemnon said that the Pan-Elocutionist had a curtain, that they would probably lend John Osburn, and so it was decided to ask John Osburn to help. If they had a curtain they ought to have a stage too. Solomon John said he was sure he had boards and nails enough, and it would be easy to make a stage if John Osburn would help put it up. All this talk was the day before the charades. In the midst of it Anne Maria went over for her old bonnets and dresses and umbrellas, and they spent that evening entrying on the various things. Such odd caps and remarkable bonnets! Solomon John said that they ought to have plenty of band-boxes. If he only had band-boxes enough a charade was sure to go off well. He had seen charades in Boston. Mrs.  Anne Maria said she could bring over more things, if she only knew what they were going to act. Elizabeth Eliza told her to bring anything she had. It would all come of use. The morning came, and the boards were collected for the stage. Agamemnon and Solomon John gave themselves to the work, and John Osburn helped zealously. He said that the pan-allocutionist would lend a scene also. There was a great clatter of band-boxes and piles of shawls in corners, and such a piece of work in getting up the curtain. In the midst of it came in the little boys shouting, All the tickets are sold! All ten cents each! Seventy tickets sold! exclaimed Agamemnon. Seven dollars for the water-troph! said Elizabeth Eliza, and we do not know yet what we are going to act! exclaimed Anne Maria, but everybody's attention had to be given to the scene that was going to be up in the background, borrowed from the pan-allocutionist. It was magnificent! and represented a forest. Where are we going to put seventy people? exclaimed Mrs. Peterkin, venturing, dismayed, into the heaps of shavings and boards and litter. The little boys exclaimed that a large part of the audience consisted of boys, who would not take up much room. But how much clearing, and sweeping, and moving of chairs was necessary before all could be made ready! It was late, and some of the people had already come to secure good seats, even before the actors had assembled. What are we going to act? asked Anne Maria. I have been so torn with one thing and another, said Elizabeth Eliza. I haven't had time to think. Haven't you the word yet? asked John Osborne, for the audience was flocking in and the seats were filling up rapidly. I have got one word in my pocket, said Elizabeth Eliza, in the letter from the lady from Philadelphia. She sent me the parts of the word. Solomon John is to be a Turk. But I don't yet understand the whole of the word. You don't know the word, and the people are all here, said John Osborne, impatiently. Elizabeth Eliza exclaimed Anne Maria. Solomon John says I am to be a Turkish slave, and I'll have to wear a veil. Do you know where the veils are?  Elizabeth Eliza, Solomon John, wants you to send him the large cashmere scarf, exclaimed one of the little boys, coming in. Elizabeth Eliza, you must tell us what kind of face is to make up, cried another of the boys, and the audience were heard, meanwhile, taking the seats on the other side of the thin curtain. You sit in front, Mrs. Bromwick.  Sit where you can hear. And let Julia Fitch come where she can see, said another voice, and we have not any words for them to hear or see, exclaimed John Osborne, behind the curtain. Oh, I wish we'd never determined to have charades, exclaimed Elizabeth Eliza. Can't we return the money? They are all here. We must give them something, said John Osborne, heroically. And Solomon John is almost dressed, reported Anne Maria, winding a veil around her head. And why don't we take Solomon John's word, Hindus, for the first, said Agamemnon. John Osborne agreed to go in first, hunting for hen, or for anything, and one of the little boys took the part of the hen with the help of a feather duster. The bell rang, and the first scene began. It was a great success. John Osborne's Irish was perfect. Nobody guessed the word, for the hen crowed by mistake, but it received great applause. Mr. Peterkin came on, in the second scene, to receive the water rates, and made a long speech on taxation. He was interrupted by Anne Maria as an old woman in a huge bonnet. She persisted in turning her back to the audience, speaking so low nobody heard her. And Elizabeth Eliza, who appeared in a more remarkable bonnet, was so alarmed she went directly back, saying she had forgotten something. But this was supposed to be the effect intended, and it was loudly cheered. Then came a long delay, for the little boys brought out a number of their friends to be browned for Hindus. Anne Maria played on the piano until the scene was ready. The curtain rose upon five brown boys, done up in blankets and turbans. I am thankful that is over, said Elizabeth Eliza, for now we can act my word. Only I don't myself know the whole. Never mind, let us act it, said John Osborne. And the audience can guess the whole. The first syllable must be the letter P. said Elizabeth Eliza, and we must have a school. Agamemnon was master, and the little boys and their friends went on as scholars. All the boys talked and shouted at once, acting their idea of school by flinging peanuts about, and scoffing at the master. They'll guess that to be a row, said John Osborne in despair. They'll never guess P. The next scene was gorgeous. Solomon John as a Turk reclined on John Osborne's army blanket. He had on a turban and a long beard and all the family shawls. Anne Maria and Elizabeth Eliza were brought in to him, veiled by the little boys in their Hindu costumes. This was considered the great scene of the evening, though Elizabeth Eliza was sure she did not know what to do. Whether to kneel or sit down she did not know whether Turkish women did sit down, and she could not help laughing whenever she looked at Solomon John. He, however, kept his solemnity.  And Anne Maria fainted, and the scene closed. What are we to do now? asked John Osborne, warming up to the occasion. We must have an in-scene, said Elizabeth Eliza, consulting her letter. Two in's, if we can. We will have some travellers disgusted with one in, and going to another, said John Osborne. Now is the time for the bandboxes, said Solomon John, who since his Turk scene was over, could give his attention to the rest of the charade. Elizabeth Eliza and Anne Maria went on as rival hostesses, trying to draw Solomon John, Agamemnon, and John Osborne into their several ends.  Bandbox after bandbox appeared, and when Agamemnon sat down upon his, the applause was immense. At last the curtain fell. Now for the whole, said John Osborne, as he made his way off the stage over a heap of umbrellas. I can't think why the lady from Philadelphia did not send me the whole, said Elizabeth Eliza, musing over the letter. Listen, they are guessing, said John Osborne, de-ice-box. I don't wonder they are getting it wrong. But we know it can't be that, exclaimed Elizabeth Eliza and Agony. How can we act the whole if we don't know it ourselves? Oh, I see it! said Anne Maria, clapping her hands. Get your whole family in for the last scene. Mr. and Mrs. Peterkin were summoned to the stage, and formed the background. Standing on stools, in front were Agamemnon and Solomon John, leaving room for Elizabeth Eliza between.  The audience rose to an exclamation of delight. The Peterkins, P. Turk, ends. It was not until this moment that Elizabeth Eliza guessed the whole. What a tableau, exclaimed Mr. Bromwick, the Peterkin family guessing their own charade. End of Chapter 15 Chapter 16 The Peterkins are obliged to move. Agamemnon had long felt it an impropriety to live in a house that was called a semi-detached house. When there was no other semi to it, it had always remained wholly detached, as the owner had never built the other half. Mrs. Peterkin felt this was not a sufficient reason for undertaking the terrible process of a move to another house, when they were fully satisfied with the one they were in. But a more powerful reason forced them to go. The track of a new railroad had to be carried directly through the place, and a station was to be built on that very spot. Mrs. Peterkin so much dreaded moving that she questioned whether they could not continue to live in the upper part of the house, and give up the lower part to the station. They could then dine at the restaurant, and it would be very convenient about travelling, as there would be no danger of missing the train, if one was sure of the direction. But when the track was actually laid by the side of the house, and the steam engine of the construction train puffed and screamed under the dining-room windows, and the engineer calmly looked in to see what the family had for dinner, she felt indeed that they must move. But where should they go? It was difficult to find a house that satisfied the whole family. One was too far off, and looked into the tan-pit, another was too much in the middle of town, next door to a machine-shop. Elizabeth Eliza wanted a porch covered with fines that should face the sunset, while Mr. Peterkin thought it would not be convenient to sit there looking toward the west in the late afternoon, which was his only leisure time, for the sun would shine in his face. The little boys wanted a house with a great many doors, so that they could go in and out often, but Mr. Peterkin did not like so much slamming, and felt there was more danger of burglars with so many doors. Agamemnon wanted an observatory, and Solomon John a shed for a workshop. If he could have carpenter's tools in a workbench, he could build an observatory, if that were wanted. But it was necessary to decide upon something, for they must leave their house directly, so they were obliged to take Mr. Finches at the corners. It satisfied none of the family. The porch was a piazza, and was opposite a barn. There were three other doors, too many to please Mr. Peterkin, and not enough for the little boys. There was no observatory, and nothing to observe if there were one, as the house was too low, and some high trees shut out any view. Elizabeth Eliza had hoped for a view, but Mr. Peterkin consoled her by deciding it was more healthy to have to walk for a view, and Mrs. Peterkin agreed that they might get tired of the same every day. And everybody was glad a selection was made, and the little boys carried their India rubber boots the very first afternoon. Elizabeth Eliza wanted to have some system in the moving, and spent the evening in drawing up a plan. It would be easy to arrange everything beforehand, so that there should not be the confusion that her mother dreaded in the discomfort they had in their last move. Mrs. Peterkin shook her head. She did not think it possible to move with any comfort. Agamemnon said a great deal could be done with a list and a program. Elizabeth Eliza declared, if all were well arranged, a program would make it perfectly easy. They were to have new parlor carpets, which could be put down in the new house the first thing, then the parlor furniture could be moved in, and there would be two comfortable rooms in which Mr. and Mrs. Peterkin could sit while the rest of the move went on. Then the old parlor carpets could be taken up for the new dining room and the downstairs bedroom, and the family could, meanwhile, dine at the old house. Mr. Peterkin did not object to this, though the distance was considerable and he felt exercise would be good for them all. Elizabeth Eliza's program then arranged that the dining room furniture should be moved on the third day, by which time one of the old parlor carpets would be down in the new dining room, and they could still sleep in the old house. Thus there would always be a quiet, comfortable place in one house or the other. Each night when Mr. Peterkin came home he would find some place for quiet thought and rest, and each day there should be moved only the furniture needed for a certain room. Great confusion would be avoided and nothing misplaced. Elizabeth Eliza wrote these last words at the end of her program, misplace nothing, and Agamemnon made a copy of the program for each member of the family. The first thing to be done was to buy parlor carpets. Elizabeth Eliza had already looked at some in Boston, and the next morning she went, by an early train with her father, Agamemnon, and Solomon John to decide upon them. They got home about eleven o'clock, and when they reached the house they were dismayed to find two furniture wagons in front of the gate, already partly filled. Mrs. Peterkin was walking in and out of the open door, a large book in one hand and a duster in the other, and she came to meet them in an agony of anxiety. What should they do? The furniture carts had appeared soon after the rest had left for Boston, and the men had insisted upon beginning to move the things. In vain had she shown Elizabeth Eliza's program, in vain had she insisted they must take only the parlor furniture. They had declared they must put the heavy pieces in the bottom of the cart, and the lighter furniture on the top. So she had seen them go into every room in the house and select one piece of furniture after another without even looking at Elizabeth Eliza's program. She doubted if they could have read it if they had looked at it. Mr. Peterkin had ordered the carters to come, but he had no idea they would come so early, and supposed it would take them a long time to fill the carts. But they had taken the dining-room sideboard first, a heavy piece of furniture, and all its contents were now on the dining-room tables. Then indeed they selected the parlor book case, but had set every book on the floor. The men had told Mrs. Peterkin they would put the books in the bottom of the cart. Very much in the order they were taken from the shelves. But by this time Mrs. Peterkin was considering the carters as natural enemies, and dared not trust them besides the books to all be dusted, so she was now holding one of the volumes of Agamemnon's encyclopedia with difficulty in one hand while she was dusting it with the other. Elizabeth Eliza was in dismay. At this moment four men were bringing down a large chest of drawers from her father's room, and they called to her to stand out of the way. The parlors were in a scene of confusion, in dusting the books Mrs. Peterkin neglected to restore them to the careful rows in which they were left by the men, and they lay in hopeless masses in different parts of the room. Elizabeth Eliza sunk in despair upon the end of a sofa. It would have been better to buy the red and blue carpet, said Solomon John. It's not the carpet bought, exclaimed Mrs. Peterkin. And then they were obliged to confess they had been unable to decide upon one, and had come back to consult Mrs. Peterkin. What shall we do? asked Mrs. Peterkin. Elizabeth Eliza rose from the sofa and went to the door, saying, I shall be back in a moment. Agamemnon slowly passed around the room, collecting the scattered volumes of his encyclopedia. Mr. Peterkin offered a helping hand to a man lifting a wardrobe. Elizabeth Eliza soon returned. I did not like to go and ask her. But I felt that I must in such an emergency. I explained to her the whole matter, and she thinks we should take the carpet at McKillans. McKillans was a store in the village, and the carpet was the only one all the family had liked without any doubt. But they had supposed they might prefer one from Boston. The moment was a critical one. Solomon John was sent directly to McKillans to order the carpet to be put down that very day. But where should they dine? Where should they have their supper? And where was Mr. Peterkin's quiet hour? Elizabeth Eliza was frantic. The dining room, floor, and table were covered with things. It was decided that Mr. and Mrs. Peterkin should dine at the Bromwicks, who had been most neighborly in their offers, and the rest should go get something to eat at the bakers. Agamemnon and Elizabeth Eliza hastened a way to be ready to receive the carts at the other house, and direct the furniture as they could. After all, there was something exhilarating in this opening of the new house, and in deciding where things should go. Elizabeth Eliza stepped down the front garden of the new home, and across the piazza, and to the door, but it was locked, and she had no keys. Agamemnon, did you bring the keys? She exclaimed. No, he had not seen them since the morning, when the little boys were allowed to go to the house for their India rubber boots. As there was a threatening of rain, perhaps they had left some door in fastened. Perhaps they had put the keys under the doormat. No, each door, each window was solidly closed, and there was no mat. I shall have to go to the school to see if they took the keys with them, said Agamemnon, or else go home to see if they left them there. The school was in a different direction from the house, and far at the other end of town, for Mr. Peterkin had not yet changed the boy's school, as he proposed to do after their move. That will be the only way, said Elizabeth Eliza, for it had been arranged that the little boys should take their lunch to school, and not come home at noon. She sat down on the steps to wait, but only for a moment, for the carts soon appeared, turning to the corner. What should be done with the furniture? Of course the carters must wait for the keys, as she should need them to set the furniture up in the right places. But they could not stop for this. They put it down upon the piazza, on the steps in the garden, and Elizabeth Eliza saw how incongruous it was. There was something from every room in the house. Even the large family chest, which had proved too heavy for them to travel with, had come down from the attic, and stood against the front door. And Solomon John appeared with the carpet woman, and a boy with a wheelbarrow bringing the new carpet, and all stood and waited. Some opposite neighbors appeared to offer advice and look on, and Elizabeth Eliza groaned inwardly, that only the shabbiest of their furniture appeared to be standing full in view. It seemed ages before Agamemnon returned, and no wonder for he had been to the house, and then to the school, then back to the house, for one of the little boys had left the keys at home in the pocket of his clothes. Meanwhile the carpet woman had waited, and the boy with the wheelbarrow had waited, and when they got in they found that the parlor must be swept and cleaned. So the carpet woman went off in a dudgeon, for she was sure there would not be time enough to do anything. And one of the carts came again, and in their hurry the men set the furniture down anywhere. Elizabeth Eliza was hoping to make a little place in the dining room where they might have their supper, and go home to sleep. But she looked out, and there were the carers, bringing the bedsteads, and proceeding to carry them upstairs. In despair Elizabeth Eliza went back to the old house. If she had been there she might have prevented this. She found Mrs. Peterkin in an agony about the entry oil cloth. It had been made, in the house, and how could it be taken out of the house? Agamemnon made measurements. It certainly could not go out the front door. He suggested it might be left until the house was pulled down, when it could easily be moved out of one side. But Elizabeth Eliza reminded him that the whole house was to be moved without being taken apart. Perhaps it could be cut, and strips narrow enough to go out. One of the men loading the remaining cart disposed of the question by coming in and rolling up the oil cloth, and carrying it out, on top of his wagon. Elizabeth Eliza felt she must hurry back to the new house. But what should they do? No beds here, no carpets there. The dining room table and the sideboard were at the other house, the plates, the forks, and the spoons here. In vain she looked at her program. It was all reversed. Everything was misplaced. Mr. Peterkin would suppose they were to eat here and sleep here in what had become of the little boys. Meanwhile the men with the first cart had returned. They fell to packing the china in the dining room. They were up in the attic. They were down in the cellar. Even one suggested to take the tax out of the parlor carpets as they should want to take them next. Mrs. Peterkin sunk upon a kitchen chair. Oh, I wish we had decided to stay and be moved in the house! She exclaimed. Solomon John urged his mother to go to the new house, for Mr. Peterkin would be there for his quiet hour, and when the carters at last appeared carrying the parlor carpets on their shoulders, she sighed and said, There is nothing left, and meekly consented to be led away. They reached the new house to find Mr. Peterkin sitting calmly in a rocking chair on the piazza, watching the oxen coming into the opposite barn. He was waiting for the keys which Solomon John had taken back with him. The little boys were in a horse-chestnut tree at the side of the house. Agamemnon opened the door. The passages were crowded with furniture. The floors were strewn with books. The bureau was upstairs that was to stand in a lower bedroom. There was not a place to lay a table. There was nothing to lay upon it, for the knives and plates and spoons had not come, and although the tables were there they were covered with chairs and boxes. At this moment came a covered basket from the lady from Philadelphia. It contained a choice supper, and forks and spoons, and at the same moment appeared a pot of hot tea from an opposite neighbor. They placed all this on the back of a bookcase lying upside down and sat around it. Solomon John came rushing in from the gate. The last load is coming.  We are moved! We are moved! Mrs. Peterkin looked sadly around. The kitchen utensils were lying on the parlor lounge, and an old family gun on Elizabeth Elyse's hat-box. The parlor clock stood on a barrel. Some coal-scuttles had been placed on the parlor table. A bust of Washington stood in the doorway, and the looking glasses leaned against the pillars of the piazza. But they were moved. Mrs. Peterkin felt, indeed, that they were very much moved. End of CHAPTER XVI of the Peterkin Papers by Lucretia P. Hale. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. CHAPTER XVII of the Peterkin Papers. The Peterkins decide to learn the languages. Certainly now was the time to study the languages. The Peterkins had moved into a new house, far more convenient than their old one, where they would have a place for everything and everything in its place. Of course, they would then have more time. Elizabeth Eliza recalled the troubles of the old house, how for a long time she was obliged to sit outside of the window upon the piazza when she wanted to play on her piano. Mrs. Peterkin reminded them of the difficulty about the table-cloths. The upper table-cloth was kept in a trunk that had to stand in front of the door to the closet under the stairs. But the under-table-cloth was kept in a drawer in the closet, so whenever the cloths were changed the trunk had to be pushed away under some projecting shelves to make room for opening the closet door, as the under-table-cloth must be taken out first, then the trunk was pushed back to make room for it to be opened for the upper table-cloth. And after all it was necessary to push the trunk away again to open the closet door for the knife-tray. This always consumed a great deal of time. Now that the china-closet was large enough everything could find a place in it. Agamemnon especially enjoyed the new library. In the old house there was no separate room for books. The dictionaries were kept upstairs which was very inconvenient and the volumes of the encyclopedia could not be together. There was no room for all in one place. So from A to P were to be found downstairs and from Q to Z were scattered in different rooms upstairs. And the worst of it was you could never remember whether from A to P included P. I always went upstairs after P, said Agamemnon, and then always found it downstairs. Or else it was the other way. Of course now there was more conveniences for study. With the books all in one room there would be no time wasted in looking for them. Mr. Peterkin suggested they should each take a separate language. If they went abroad this would prove a great convenience. Elizabeth Eliza could talk French with the Parisians. Agamemnon German with the Germans. Solomon John Italian with the Italians. Mrs. Peterkin Spanish in Spain. And perhaps he could himself master all the eastern languages and Russian. Mrs. Peterkin was uncertain about undertaking the Spanish. But all the family felt very sure they should not go to Spain as Elizabeth Eliza dreaded the Inquisition, and Mrs. Peterkin felt more willing. Still she had quite an objection to going abroad. She had always said she would not go till a bridge was made across the Atlantic, and she was sure it did not look like it now. Agamemnon said there was no knowing there was something new every day, and a bridge was surely not harder to invent than a telephone, for they had bridges in the very earliest days. Then came up the question of the teachers. Probably. These could be found in Boston. If they could all come the same day, three could be brought out in the cariol. Agamemnon could go in for them, and could learn a little on the way out, and in. Mr. Peterkin made some inquiries about the Oriental languages. He was told that Sanskrit was at the root of all. So he proposed they should all begin with Sanskrit. They would thus require, but one teacher, Ag could branch out into the other languages afterward. But the family preferred learning the separate languages. Elizabeth Eliza already knew something of the French. She had tried to talk it without much success at the centennial exhibition, at one of the sidestands, but she found she had been talking with a moreish gentleman who did not understand French. Mr. Peterkin feared they might need more libraries if all the teachers came at the same hour. But Agamemnon reminded him they would be using different dictionaries, and Mr. Peterkin thought something might be learned by having them all at once. Each one might pick up something besides the language he was studying, and it was a great thing to learn to talk a foreign language while others were talking about you. Mrs. Peterkin was afraid it would be like the Tower of Babel, and hoped it was all right. Agamemnon brought forward another difficulty. Of course they ought to have foreign teachers who spoke only their native languages. But in this case how could they engage them to come or explain to them about the cariol or arrange the proposed hours? He did not understand how anybody ever began with a foreigner, because he could not even tell him what he wanted. Elizabeth Eliza thought a great deal might be done by signs and pantomime. Solomon John and the little boys began to show how it might be done. Elizabeth Eliza explained how long, meant both languages and tongues, and they could point to their tongues. For practice the little boys represented the foreign teachers, talking in their different languages, and Agamemnon and Solomon John went to invite them to come out and teach the family by a series of signs. Mr. Peterkin thought their success was admirable, and that they might almost go abroad without any study of the languages and trust to explaining themselves by signs. While as the bridge was not yet made it might be as well to wait and cultivate the languages. Mrs. Peterkin was afraid the foreign teachers might imagine they were invited out to lunch. Solomon John had constantly pointed to his mouth as he opened it and shut it, and putting out his tongue and it looked a great deal more as if he were inviting them to eat, than asking them to teach. Agamemnon suggested that they might carry the separate dictionaries when they went to see the teachers. And that would show that they meant lessons, not lunch. Mrs. Peterkin was not sure, but she ought to prepare a lunch for them if they had come all that way, and she certainly did not know what they were accustomed to eat. Mr. Peterkin thought this would be a good thing to learn of the foreigners, it would be a good preparation for going abroad, and they might get used to the dishes before starting. The little boys were delighted at the idea of having new things cooked. Agamemnon had heard that beer soup was a favorite dish with the Germans, and he would inquire how it was made in the first lesson. Solomon John had heard they were all very fond of garlic and thought it would be a pretty attention to have some of it in the house the first day, and they might be cheered by the odor. Elizabeth Eliza wanted to surprise the lady from Philadelphia by her knowledge of French, and hoped to begin on her lessons before the Philadelphia family arrived for their annual visit. There were still some delays. Mr. Peterkin was very anxious to obtain teachers, who had been but a short time in this country. He did not want to be tempted to talk any English with them. He wanted the latest and freshest languages, and at last came home one day with a list of brand new foreigners. They decided to borrow the Bromwick's Keryl to use beside their own for the first day, and Mr. Peterkin and Agamemnon drove into town to bring all the teachers out. One was a Russian gentleman travelling, who came with no idea of giving lessons, but perhaps he would consent to do so. He could not yet speak English. Mr. Peterkin had his card case and the cards of the several gentlemen who had recommended the different teachers, and he went with Agamemnon from hotel to hotel collecting them. He found them all to be very polite and ready to come, after the explanation by the signs agreed upon. The dictionaries had been forgotten, but Agamemnon had a directory which looked the same and seemed to satisfy the foreigners. Mr. Peterkin was obliged to content himself with the Russian instead of one who could teach Sanskrit, as there were no new teachers of that language lately arrived. But there was an unexpected difficulty in getting the Russian gentlemen into the same carriage with the teacher of Arabic, for he was a Turk sitting with a fez on his head on the back seat. They glared at each other and began to assail each other in every language they knew, none of which Mr. Peterkin could understand. It might be Russian, it might be Arabic. It was easy to understand that they would never consent to sit in the same carriage. Mr. Peterkin was in despair. He had forgotten about the Russian war. What a mistake to have invited the Turk! Why did a crowd collect it on the sidewalk in front of the hotel, but the French gentlemen politely, but stiffly invited the Russian to go with him in the first carriage? Here was another difficulty, for the German professor was quietly ensconced on the back seat. As soon as the French gentleman put his foot on the stab and saw him he addressed him in such forcible language that the German professor got out of the door on the other side and came round on the sidewalk and took him by the collar. Suddenly the German and the French gentleman could not be put together, and more crowd collected. Agamemnon, however, had happily studied up the German word Herr, and he applied it to the German, inviting him by signs to take a seat in the other carriage. The German consented to sit by the Turk, as neither of them could understand the other, and at last they started. Mr. Peterkin with the Italian by his side and the French and the Russian teachers behind, vociferating to each other in languages unknown to Mr. Peterkin, while he feared they were not perfectly in harmony, so he drove home as fast as possible. Agamemnon had a silent party. The Spaniard by his side was a little moody, while the Turk and the German behind him did not utter a word. At last they reached the house, and they were greeted by Mrs. Peterkin and Elizabeth Eliza, Mrs. Peterkin with her La Malay shawl over her shoulders as a tribute to the Spanish teacher. Mr. Peterkin was careful to take his party in first, and deposit them in a distant part of the library, far from the Turk or the German, even putting the Frenchman and the Russian apart. Solomon John found the Italian dictionary and seated himself by his Italian. Agamemnon with the German dictionary by the German, the little boys took their copy of the Arabian knights to the Turk. Mr. Peterkin attempted to explain to the Russian that he had no Russian dictionary as he had hoped to learn Sanskrit of him, while Mrs. Peterkin was trying to inform her teacher that she had no books in Spanish. She got over all of her fears of the Inquisition. He looked so sad, and she tried to talk a little using English words but very slowly, altering the accent as far as she knew how. The Spaniard bowed, looked gravely interested, and was very polite. Elizabeth Eliza, meanwhile, was trying her grammar phrases with the Parisian. She found it easier to talk French than to understand him, but he understood perfectly her sentences. She repeated one of her vocabularies, and went on with the Gilles-la-Livre. Hasta le pan, l'enfant à un poids. He listened with great attention, and replied slowly. She started, after making out one of his sentences, and went to her mother to whisper, They have made the mistake you feared. They think they are invited to lunch. He has just been thanking me for our politeness in inviting him to the Degener, which means breakfast. They have not had their breakfast, exclaimed Mrs. Peterkin, looking at her Spaniard. He does look hungry. What shall we do? Elizabeth Eliza was consulting her father. What should they do? How should they make them understand that they invited them to teach, not lunch? Elizabeth Eliza begged Agamemnon to look up Apprendre in the dictionary. It must mean to teach. Alas! They found it means both to teach and to learn. What should they do? The foreigners were now sitting silent in their different corners. The Spaniard grew more and more silo. What if he should faint? The Frenchman was rolling up each of his mustaches to a point, as he gazed at the German. What if the Russian should fight the Turk? What if the German should be exasperated by the heirs of the Parisian? We must give them something to eat, said Mr. Peterkin, in a low tone. It would calm them. If I only knew what they were used to eating, said Mrs. Peterkin. Solomon John suggested that none of them knew what the others were used to eating, and they might bring in anything. Mrs. Peterkin hastened out with hospitable intents. Amanda could make good coffee. Mr. Peterkin had suggested some American dish. Solomon John, since a little boy, for some olives. It was not long before coffee came in and a dish of baked beans, next some olives, and a loaf of bread, and some boiled eggs, and some bottles of beer. The effect was astonishing. Every man spoke his own tongue, and fluently. Mrs. Peterkin poured out coffee for the Spaniard while he bowed to her. They all liked beer. They all liked olives. The Frenchman was fluent about the Americans. Elizabeth Eliza supposed he alluded to their nut, having said any table. The Turks smiled. The Russian was voluble. In the midst of the clang of the different languages, just as Mr. Peterkin was again repeating under cover of the noise of many tongues, how shall we make them understand that we want them to teach? At this very moment the door was flung open, and there came in the lady from Philadelphia. That day arrived her first call of the season. She started back in terror at the tumult of so many different languages. The family with Joy rushed to meet her. All together they called upon her to explain for them. Could she help them? Could she tell the foreigners they wanted to take lessons? Lessons! They had no sooner uttered the word than their guests all started up, with faces beaming with joy. It was the one English word they all knew. They had come to Boston to give lessons. The Russian traveller had hoped to learn English in this way. The thought pleased them more than the Dégénée. Yes, gladly they would give lessons. The Turks smiled at the idea. The first step was taken. The teachers knew they were expected to teach. End of CHAPTER XVII CHAPTER XVIII Modern Improvements at the Peterkins Agamemnon felt that it became necessary for him to choose a profession. It was important, on account of the little boys. If he should make a trial of several different professions, he could find out which would be the most likely to be successful, and it would then be easy to bring up the little boys in the right direction. Elizabeth Eliza agreed with this. She thought the family occasionally made mistakes, and had come near disgracing themselves. Now was their chance to avoid this in future by giving the little boys a proper education. Solomon John was almost determined to become a doctor. From earliest childhood he had practiced writing recipes on little slips of paper. Mrs. Peterkin, to be sure, was afraid of infection. She could not bear the idea of his bringing one disease after the other into the family circle. Solomon John, too, did not like sick people. He thought he might manage it, if he should not have to see his patients while they were sick. If he could only visit them when they were recovering, and when the dangerous infection was over, he would really enjoy making calls. He should have a comfortable doctor's chaise, and take one of the little boys to hold his horse while he went in, and he thought he could get through the conversational part very well, and feeling the pulse perhaps looking at the tongue. He should take and read all the newspapers, and be thoroughly acquainted with the news of the day to talk of, but he should not like to be waked up at night to visit. Mr. Peterkin thought that would not be necessary. He had seen signs on doors of night-doctor, and certainly it would be as convenient to have a sign of knotting night-doctor. Solomon John thought he might write his advice to those of his patients who were dangerously ill from whom there was danger of infection. And then Elizabeth Eliza agreed that his prescriptions would probably be so satisfactory that they would keep his patients well, not too well to do without a doctor, but needing his recipes. Agamemnon was delayed, however, in his choice of a profession by a desire he had to become a famous inventor. If he could only invent something important, and get out a patent, he would make himself known all over the country. If he could get out a patent, he would be set up for life, or at least as long as the patent lasted, and it would be well to be sure to arrange it to last through his natural life. Indeed, he had gone so far as to make his invention. It had been suggested by their trouble with a key in their late moving to their new house. He had studied the matter over a great deal. He looked it up in the encyclopedia, and it spent a day or two in the public library, and reading about Chubb's lock and other patent locks. But his plan was more simple. It was this, that all keys should be made alike. He wondered it had not been thought of before, but so it was. Solomon John said with all inventions, with Christopher Columbus and everybody, nobody knew the invention till it was invented, and then it looked very simple. With Agamemnon's plan, you need have but one key that should fit everything. It should be a medium-sized key, not too large to carry. It ought to answer for a house-store. But you might open a portmanteau with it. How much less danger there would be of losing one's keys, if there were only one to lose. Mrs. Peterkin thought it would be inconvenient if her father were out, and she wanted to open the jam-closet for the little boys. But Agamemnon explained that he did not mean there should be but one key in the family or in a town. You might have as many as you please, only they would all be alike. Elizabeth Eliza felt it would be a great convenience. They could keep the front door always locked, yet she could open it with the key of her upper drawer, that she was sure to have with her. And Mrs. Peterkin felt it might be a convenience if they had one on each story, so that they need not go up and down for it. Mr. Peterkin studied all the papers and the advertisements to decide about the lawyer whom they should consult. And at last one morning they went into town to visit a patent agent. Elizabeth Eliza took the occasion to make a call upon the lady from Philadelphia. But she came back hurriedly to her mother. I have had a delightful call, she said, but perhaps I was wrong. I could not help in conversation speaking of Agamemnon's proposed patent. I ought not to have mentioned it as such things are kept profound secrets. They say women always do tell things, I suppose that is the reason. But whereas the harm, said Mrs. Peterkin, I am sure you can trust the lady from Philadelphia, Elizabeth Eliza then explained that the lady from Philadelphia had questioned the plan a little when it was told to her, and had suggested that if everybody had the same key there would be no particular use in a lock. Did you explain to her, said Mrs. Peterkin, that we were not all to have the same keys? I couldn't quite understand her, said Elizabeth Eliza, but she seemed to think that burglars and other people might come in if the keys were the same. Agamemnon would not sell his patent to burglars, said Mrs. Peterkin indignantly. But about other people, said Elizabeth Eliza, there is my upper drawer. The little boys might open it at Christmas time and their presence in it. And I am not sure that I could trust Amanda, said Mrs. Peterkin considering. Both she and Elizabeth Eliza felt that Mr. Peterkin ought to know what the lady from Philadelphia had suggested. Elizabeth Eliza then proposed going into town, but it would take so long she might not reach them in time. A telegram would be better, and she ventured to suggest using the telegraph alarm. For, on moving into their new house they had discovered it was provided with all the modern improvements. This had been a disappointment to Mrs. Peterkin, for she was afraid of them, since they experienced the last winter when their water-pipes were frozen up. She had been originally attracted to the house by an old pump at the side which had led her to believe there were no modern improvements. It had pleased the little boys too. They liked the pump handle up and down and agreed to pump all the water needed and bring it into the house. There was an old well with a picturesque well sweep in a corner by the barn. Mrs. Peterkin was frightened by this at first. She was afraid the little boys would be falling into it every day, and they showed great fondness for pulling the bucket up and down. It proved, however, that the well was dry. There was no water in it, so she had some moss thrown down, and an old feather bed for safety, and the old well was a favorite place of amusement. The house it had proved was well furnished with bathrooms and set waters everywhere—water-pipes and gas-pipes all over the house and a hack, telegraph, and fire alarm with a little knob for each. Mrs. Peterkin was very anxious. She feared that the little boys would be summoning somebody all the time, and it was decided to conceal from them the use of the knobs and the card of directions that the side was destroyed. Agamemnon had made one of his first inventions to help this. He had arranged an hour of similar knobs to be put in rows in different parts of the house to appear as if they were intended for ornament, and had added some to the original knobs. Mrs. Peterkin felt more secure, and Agamemnon thought of taking out a patent for this invention. It was, therefore, with some doubt that Elizabeth Eliza proposed sending a telegram to her father. Mrs. Peterkin, however, was pleased with the idea. Solomon John was out, and the little boys were at school, and she herself would touch the knob while Elizabeth Eliza should write the telegram. I think it is the fourth knob from the beginning, she said, looking at one of the rows of knobs. Elizabeth Eliza was sure of this. Agamemnon, she believed, had put three extra knobs at each end. But which is the end, and which is the beginning, the top, or the bottom? Mrs. Peterkin asked hopelessly. Still she bravely selected a knob, and Elizabeth Eliza hastened with her to look out for the messenger. How soon should they see the telegraph boy?  It was a terrific moment. I have touched the fire alarm, Mrs. Peterkin exclaimed. Both rushed to open the front door in agony by this time the fire engines were approaching. Do not be alarmed, said the chief engineer. The furniture shall be carefully covered, and we will move all that is necessary. Move again, exclaimed Mrs. Peterkin in agony. Elizabeth Eliza strove to explain that she was only sending a telegram to her father, who was in Boston. It is not important, said the head engineer. The fire will be all out before it could reach him. And he ran upstairs, for the engines were beginning to play upon the roof. Mrs. Peterkin rushed to the knobs again hurriedly. There was more necessity for summoning Mr. Peterkin home. Write a telegram to your father, she said Elizabeth Eliza, to come home directly. That will take but three words, said Elizabeth Eliza, with presence of mind. And we need ten. I was just trying to make them out. What has come now, exclaimed Mrs. Peterkin, and they hurried again to the window to see a row of carriages coming down the street. I must have touched the carriage-knob, said Mrs. Peterkin, and I pushed it half a dozen times, I felt so anxious. These hacks stood before the door. All the village boys were assembling. Even their own little boys had returned from school and were showing the firemen the way to the well. Again Mrs. Peterkin rushed to the knobs. And a fearful sound arose. She had touched the burglar alarm. The former owner of the house, who had a great fear of burglars, had invented a machine of his own, which he had connected with a knob. A wire attached to the knob moved a spring that could put in motion a number of watchmen's rattles, hidden under the eaves of the piazza. All these were now set a-going, and their terrible den roused those of the neighborhood who had not before assembled around the house. At this moment Elizabeth Eliza met the chief engineer. You need not send for more help, he said. We have all the engines in town here, and have stirred up all the towns in the neighborhood. There is no use in springing any more alarms. I can't find the fire yet, but we have water pouring all over the house. Elizabeth Eliza waved her telegram in the air. We are only trying to send a telegram to my father and brother, who are in town, she endeavored to explain. If it is necessary, said the chief engineer, you might send it down in one of the hackney carriages. I see a number standing before the door. We'd better begin to move the heavier furniture, and some of you women might fill the carriages with smaller things. Mrs. Peterkin was ready to fall into hysterics. She had controlled herself with supreme power, and hastened to touch another knob. Elizabeth Eliza corrected her telegram, and decided to take the advice of the chief engineer, and went to the door to give her message to one of the hackmen. When she saw a telegraph boy appear, her mother had touched the right knob. It was the fourth from the beginning, but the beginning was at the other end. She went out to meet the boy, when, to her joy, she saw behind him her father and Agamemnon. She clutched her telegram, and hurried toward them. Mr. Peterkin was bewildered. Was the house on fire? If so, where were the flames? He saw the row of carriages. Was there a funeral or a wedding? Who was dead? Who was to be married? He seized the telegram that Elizabeth Eliza had reached to him, and said it aloud. She turned to us directly. The house is not on fire. The chief engineer was standing on the steps. The house is not on fire, he exclaimed. What are we all summoned for? It is a mistake, cried Elizabeth Eliza, ringing her hands. We touched the wrong knob. We wanted the telegraph boy. We touched all the wrong knobs, exclaimed Mrs. Peterkin, from the house. The chief engineer turned directly to give the counter-directions, with a few exclamations of disgust, as the bells of distant fire-engines were heard approaching. Solomon John appeared at this moment, and proposed taking one of the carriages and going for a doctor for his mother, for she was now nearly ready to fall into hysterics, and Aga Memnon thought to send a telegram down by the boy for the evening papers to announce that the Peterkin's house had not been on fire. The crisis of the commotion had reached its height. The beds of flowers bordered with dark-colored leaves were trodden down by the feet of the crowd that had assembled. The chief engineer grew more and more indignant as he sent his men to order back the fire-engines from the neighboring towns. The collection of boys followed the procession as it went away. The fire brigade hastily removed covers from some of the furniture, restored the rest to their places, and took away their ladders. Many neighbors remained, but Mr. Peterkin hastened into the house to attend to Mrs. Peterkin. Elizabeth Eliza took an opportunity to question her father. Before he went in, as to the success of their visit to town, we saw all the patent agents, answered Mr. Peterkin in a hollow whisper, not one of them will touch the patent or have anything to do with it. Elizabeth Eliza looked at Aga Memnon as he walked silently into the house. She would not now speak to him of the patent, but she recalled some words of Solomon John. When they were discussing the patent, he had said that many an inventor had grown gray before his discovery was acknowledged by the public. Others might reap the harvest, but it came, perhaps, only when he was going to his grave. Elizabeth Eliza looked at Aga Memnon reverently and followed him silently into the house. End of Chapter 18