Book 2 Chapter 10 Look at those Spangles, Miss Bart! Every one of them sewed on crooked. The tall forewoman, a pinched perpendicular figure, dropped the condemned structure of wire and net on the table at Lily's side, and passed on to the next figure in the line. There were twenty of them in the workroom, their fagged profiles under exaggerated hair, bowed in the harsh north light above the utensils of their art. For it was something more than an industry, surely, this creation of ever-varied settings for the face of fortunate womanhood. Their own faces were shallow with the unwholesomeness of hot air and sedentary toil, rather than with any actual signs of want. They were employed in a fashionable millinery establishment, and were fairly well-clothed and well-paid, but the youngest among them was as dull and colourless as the middle-aged. In the whole workroom, there was only one skin beneath which the blood still visibly played, and that now burned with vexation, as Miss Bart, under the lash of the forewoman's hand, began to strip the hat-frame of its overlapping spangles. To Gertie Farrish's hopeful spirit, a solution appeared to have been reached when she remembered how beautifully Lily could trim hats. Instances of young lady milliners establishing themselves under fashionable patronage, and imparting to their creations that indefinable touch which the professional hand can never give, had flattered Gertie's visions of the future, and convinced even Lily that her separation from Mrs. Norma Hatch need not reduce her to dependence on her friends. The parting had occurred a few weeks after Seldon's visit, and would have taken place sooner had it not been for the resistance set up in Lily by his ill-starred offer of advice. The sense of being involved in a transaction she would not have cared to examine too closely, had soon afterward defined itself in the light of a hint from Mr. Stancy that, if she saw them through, she would have no reason to be sorry. The implication that such loyalty would meet with a direct reward had hastened her flight, and flung her back, ashamed and penitent, on the broad bosom of Gertie's sympathy. She did not, however, propose to lie there prone, and Gertie's inspiration about the hats had once revived her hopes of profitable activity. Here was, after all, something that her charming, listless hands could really do. She had no doubt of their capacity for knotting a ribbon, or placing a flower to advantage. And of course only these finishing touches would be expected of her.  But at the very outset of Gertie's campaign this vision of the green and white shop had been dispelled. Other young ladies of fashion had been thus set up, selling their hats by the mere attraction of a name and the reputed knack of tying a bow. But these privileged beings could command a faith in their powers materially expressed by the readiness to pay their shop rent, and advance a handsome sum for current expenses. Where was Lily to find such support? And even could it have been found? How were the ladies on whose approval she depended to be induced to give her their patronage? Gertie learned that whatever sympathy her friend's case might have excited a few months since had been imperiled, if not lost, by her association with Mrs. Hatch. Once again Lily had withdrawn from an ambiguous situation in time to save herself respect, but too late for public vindication. Freddie Van Osburg was not to marry Mrs. Hatch. He had been rescued at the eleventh hour, some said by the efforts of Gus Trenor and Rosedale, and dispatched to Europe with old Ned Van Allstein. But the risk he had run would always be ascribed to Miss Bart's connivance, and would somehow serve as a summing up and corroboration of the vague general distrust of her. It was a relief to those who had hung back from her to find themselves thus justified, and they were inclined to insist a little on her connection with the Hatch case in order to show that they had been right. Freddie's quest, at any rate, brought up against a solid wall of resistance, and even when Carrie Fisher, momentarily penitent for her share in the Hatch affair, joined her efforts to misferishes, they met with no better success. Gertie had tried to veil her failure in tender ambiguities, but Carrie, always the soul of candor, put the case squarely to her friend. I went straight to Judy Trenor. She has fewer prejudices than the others, and besides she's always hated Bertha Dorset.  At the very first word about giving you a start, she flamed out about some money you'd got from Gus. I never knew her so hot before. You know she'll let him do anything but spend money on his friends. The only reason she's decent to me now is that she knows I'm not hard up.  Well, what's the harm? He had no business to lose. He didn't lose. Then what on earth? But I never could understand you, Lily. The end of it was that after anxious enquiry and much deliberation, Mrs. Fisher and Gertie, for once oddly united in their effort to help their friend, decided on placing her in the workroom of Madame Regina's renowned millenary establishment. Even this arrangement was not affected without considerable negotiation, for Madame Regina had a strong prejudice against untrained assistance, and was induced to yield only by the fact that she owed the patronage of Mrs. Bry and Mrs. Gormer to Carrie Fisher's influence. She had been willing from the first to employ Lily in the showroom. As a displayer of hats, a fashionable beauty might be a valuable asset. But to this suggestion Miss Bart opposed a negative which Gertie emphatically supported, while Mrs. Fisher, inwardly unconvinced, but resigned to this latest proof of Lily's unreason, agreed that perhaps in the end it would be more useful that she should learn the trade. To Regina's workroom Lily was therefore committed by her friends, and there Mrs. Fisher left her with a sigh of relief, while Gertie's watchfulness continued to hover over her at a distance. Lily had taken up her work early in January. It was now two months later, and she was still being rebuked for her inability to sew spangles on a hat frame. As she returned to her work, she heard a titter pass down the tables. She knew she was an object of criticism and amusement to the other workwomen. They were, of course, aware of her history. The exact situation of every girl in the room was known and freely discussed by all the others. But the knowledge did not produce in them any awkward sense of class distinction. It merely explained why her untutored fingers were still blundering over the rudiments of the trade. Lily had no desire that they should recognize any social difference in her. But she had hoped to be received as their equal, and perhaps before long to show herself their superior by a special deafness of touch, and it was humiliating to find that, after two months of drudgery, she still betrayed her lack of early training. Remote was the day when she might aspire to exercise the talents she felt confident of possessing. Only experienced workers were entrusted with the delicate art of shaping and trimming the hat, and the four women still held her inexorably to the routine of preparatory work. She began to rip the spangles from the frame, listening absently to the buzz of talk which rose and fell with the coming and going of Miss Haines' active figure. The air was closer than usual, because Miss Haines, who had a cold, had not allowed a window to be opened even during the noon recess, and Lily's head was so heavy with the weight of a sleepless night that the chatter of her companions had the incoherence of a dream. I told her he'd never look at her again, and he didn't. I wouldn't have, either. I think she acted real mean to him. He took her to the Aryan ball, and had a hack for her both ways. She'd taken ten bottles, and her headaches don't seem no better, but she's written a testimonial to say the first bottle cured her, and she got five dollars in her picture in the paper. Mrs. Trenner's hat—the one with the green paradise. Here, Miss Haines, it'll be ready right off. That was one of the Trenner girls here yesterday with Mrs. George Dorsett. How'd I know? Why, madam sent for me to alter the flower in that Vero hat—the blue tool. She's tall and slight, with her hair fuzzed out—a good deal like Mammy Leach, only thinner. On and on it flowed, a current of meaningless sound, on which, startlingly enough, a familiar name now and then floated to the surface. It was the strangest part of Lily's strange experience—the hearing of these names, the seeing, the fragmentary and distorted image of the world she had lived in reflected in the mirror of the working girl's minds. She had never before suspected the mixture of insatiable curiosity and contemptuous freedom, with which she and her kind were discussed in this underworld of toilers, who lived on their vanity and self-indulgence. Every girl in Madame Regina's workroom, new to whom the headgear in her hands was destined, and had her opinion of its future wearer, and a definite knowledge of the matter's place in the social system. That Lily was a star fallen from that sky, did not, after the first stir of curiosity had subsided, materially add to their interest in her. She had fallen, she had gone under, and true to the ideal of their race, they were awed only by success, by the gross, tangible image of material achievement. The consciousness of her different point of view merely kept them at a little distance from her, as though she were a foreigner with whom it was an effort to talk. Miss Bart, if you can't sew those spangles on more regular, I guess you'd better give the hat to Miss Kilroy. Lily looked down roofily at her handiwork. The forewoman was right. The sewing on of the spangles was inexcusably bad. What made her so much more clumsy than usual? Was it a growing distaste for her task, or actual physical disability? She felt tired and confused. It was an effort to put her thoughts together. She rose and handed the hat to Miss Kilroy, who took it with a suppressed smile. I'm sorry. I'm afraid I have not well," she said to the forewoman. Miss Haynes offered no comment. From the first she had augured ill of Madame Regina's consenting to include a fashionable apprentice among her workers. In that temple of art no raw beginners were wanted, and Miss Haynes would have been more than human had she not taken a certain pleasure in seeing her forebodings confirmed. You'd better go back to binding edges, she said dryly. Lily slipped out last among the band of liberated workwomen. She did not care to be mingled in their noisy dispersal. Once in the street she always felt an irresistible return to her old standpoint, an instinctive shrinking from all that was unpolished and promiscuous. In the days—how distant they now seemed—when she had visited the girl's club with Gertie Farish, she had felt an enlightened interest in the working classes, but that was because she looked down on them from above, from the happy altitude of her grace and her beneficence. Now that she was on a level with them, the point of view was less interesting. She felt a touch on her arm, and met the penitent eye of Miss Kilroy. Miss Bart, I guess you can sew those spangles on as well as I can when you're feeling right. Miss Haynes didn't act fair to you. Lily's colour rose at the unexpected advance. It was a long time since real kindness had looked out at her from any eyes but Gertie's. Oh! thank you! I'm not particularly well. But Miss Haynes was right. I am clumsy. Well, it's mean work for anybody with a headache. Miss Kilroy paused her resolutely. You watch to go right home and lay down. Ever try, Orangene? Thank you! Lily held out her hand. It's very kind of you. I mean to go home. She looked gratefully at Miss Kilroy, but neither knew what more to say. Lily was aware that the other was on the point of offering to go home with her, but she wanted to be alone and silent. Even kindness—the sort of kindness that Miss Kilroy could give—would have jarred on her just then. Thank you! She repeated as she turned away. She struck westward through the dreary March twilight toward the street where her boarding-house stood. She had resolutely refused Gertie's offer of hospitality. Something of her mother's fierce shrinking from observation and sympathy was beginning to develop in her, and the promiscuity of small quarters and close intimacy seemed, on the whole, less endurable than the solitude of a hall bedroom, in a house where she could come and go unremarked among other workers. For a while she had been sustained by this desire for privacy and independence. But now, perhaps from increasing physical weariness, the lassitude brought about by hours of unwonted confinement, she was beginning to feel acutely the ugliness and discomfort of her surroundings. The day's task done, she dreaded to return to her narrow room, with its blotched wallpaper and shabby paint, and she hated every step of the walk thither, through the degradation of a New York street in the last stages of decline from fashion to commerce. But what she dreaded most of all was having to pass the chemists at the corner of 6th Avenue. She had meant to take another street. She had usually done so of late. But today her steps were irresistibly drawn toward the flaring plate-glass corner. She tried to take the lower crossing, but a laden dray crowded her back, and she struck across the street obliquely, reaching the sidewalk just opposite the chemist's door. Over the counter she caught the eye of the clerk who had waited on her before, and slipped the prescription into his hand. There could be no question about the prescription. It was a copy of one of Mrs. Hatch's, obligeingly furnished by that lady's chemist. Lily was confident that the clerk would fill it without hesitation. Yet the nervous dread of a refusal, or even of an expression of doubt, communicated itself to her restless hands, as she effected to examine the bottles of perfume stacked on the glass case before her. The clerk had read the prescription without comment, but in the act of handing out the bottle he paused. "'You don't want to increase the dose, you know,' he remarked. Lily's heart contracted. What did he mean by looking at her in that way?' "'Of course not,' she murmured, holding out her hand. "'That's all right. It's a queer-acting drug. A drop or two more, and off you go. The doctors don't know why.' The dread, lest he should question her, or keep the bottle back, choked the murmur of acquiescence in her throat, and when at length she emerged safely from the shop, she was almost dizzy with the intensity of her relief. The mere touch of the packet thrilled her tired nerves with the delicious promise of a night of sleep, and in the reaction from her momentary fear, she felt as if the first fumes of drowsiness were already stealing over her. In her confusion she stumbled against a man who was hurrying down the last steps of the elevated station. He drew back, and she heard her name uttered with surprise. It was Rosedale, fur-coated, glossy, and prosperous. But why did she seem to see him so far off, and as if through a mist of splintered crystals? Before she could account for the phenomenon, she found herself shaking hands with him. They had parted with scorn on her side and anger upon his, but all trace of these emotions seemed to vanish as their hands met, and she was only aware of a confused wish that she might continue to hold fast to him. Why, what's the matter, Miss Lily? You're not well," he exclaimed, and she forced her lips into a pallid smile of reassurance. I'm a little tired. It's nothing. Stay with me a moment, please," she faltered, that she should be asking this service of Rosedale. He glanced at the dirty and unpropitious corner on which they stood, with the shriek of the elevated and the tumult of trams and wagons contending hideously in their ears. We can't stay here, but let me take you somewhere for a cup of tea. The long-worth is only a few yards off, and there'll be no one there at this hour. A cup of tea, in quiet, somewhere out of the noise and ugliness, seemed for the moment the one solace she could bear. A few steps brought them to the lady's door of the hotel he had named, and a moment later he was seated opposite to her, and the waiter had placed the tea-tray between them. Not a drop of brandy or whiskey first. You look regularly done up, Miss Lily. Well take your tea strong, then, and wait her, get a cushion for the lady's back. Lily smiled faintly at the injunction to take her tea strong. It was the temptation she was always struggling to resist. Her craving for the keen stimulant was forever conflicting with that other craving for sleep, the midnight craving which only the little file in her hand could still. But today, at any rate, the tea could hardly be too strong. She counted on it to pour warmth and resolution into her empty veins.  The dark penciling of fatigue under her eyes, the morbid blue-veined pallor of the temples, brought out the brightness of her hair and lips, as though all her ebbing vitality were centred there. Against the dull chocolate-coloured background of the restaurant, the purity of her head stood out as it had never done in the most brightly lit ballroom. He looked at her with a startled, uncomfortable feeling, as though her beauty were a forgotten enemy that had lain in ambush, and now sprang out on him unawares. To clear the air he tried to take an easy tone with her. Why, Miss Lily, I haven't seen you for an age. I didn't know what had become of you. As he spoke, he was checked by an embarrassing sense of the complications to which this might lead. Though he had not seen her, he had heard of her. He knew of her connection with Mrs. Hatch, and of the talk resulting from it. Mrs. Hatch's milieu was one which he had once assiduously frequented, and now, as devoutly shunned. Lily, to whom the tea had restored her usual clearness of mind, saw what was in his thoughts and said with a slight smile, "'You would not be likely to know about me. I have joined the working classes.' He stared in genuine wonder. You don't mean. Why, what on earth are you doing?" Trying to be a milliner—at least, trying to learn—she hastily qualified the statement. Rosdale suppressed a low whistle of surprise. Come off!  Perfectly serious. I'm obliged to work for my living. But I understood. I thought you were with Norma Hatch.  Something of the kind, I believe. He leaned forward to refill her cup. Lily guessed the possibilities of embarrassment which the topic held for him, and raising her eyes to his, she said suddenly, "'I left her two months ago.'" Rosdale continued to fumble awkwardly with the teapot, and she felt sure that he had heard what had been said of her. But what was there that Rosdale did not hear? "'Wasn't it a soft birth?' he inquired, with an attempt at lightness. Too soft. One might have sunk in too deep." Lily rested one arm on the edge of the table, and sat looking at him more intently than she had ever looked before. An uncontrollable impulse was urging her to put her case to this man, from whose curiosity she had always so fiercely defended herself. You know Mrs. Hatch, I think. Well, perhaps you can understand that she might make things too easy for one. Lily looked faintly puzzled, and she remembered that elusiveness was lost on him. "'It was no place for you, anyhow,' he agreed, so suffused and immersed in the light of her full gaze, that he found himself being drawn into strange depths of intimacy. He, who had had to subsist on mere fugitive glances, looks winged in flight and swiftly lost under covert, now found her eyes settling on him with a brooding intensity that fairly dazzled him. "'I left,' Lily continued, lest people should say I was helping Mrs. Hatch to marry Freddie Van Asperg, who is not, on the least, too good for her, and as they still continue to say it, I see that I might as well have stayed where I was." "'Oh, Freddie,' Rosedale brushed aside the topic with an air of its unimportance, which gave a sense of the immense perspective he had acquired, "'Freddy, don't count, but I knew you weren't mixed up in that. It ain't your style.' Lily coloured slightly. She could not conceal from herself that the words gave her pleasure. She would have liked to sit there, drinking more tea, and continuing to talk of herself to Rosedale. But the old habit of observing the conventions reminded her that it was time to bring their colloquy to an end, and she made a faint motion to push back her chair. Rosedale stopped her with a protesting gesture. "'Wait a minute, don't go yet. Sit quiet and rest a little longer. You look thoroughly played out. And you haven't told me.' He broke off, conscious of going farther than he had meant. He saw the struggle and understood it, understood also the nature of the spell to which he yielded, as, with his eyes on her face, he began again abruptly. What on earth did you mean by saying just now that you were learning to be a milliner?' Just what I said. I am an apprentice at Regina's. "'Good Lord! You? But what for?' I knew your aunt had turned you down, Mrs. Fisher told me about it. But I understood you got a legacy from her. I got ten thousand dollars. But the legacy is not to be paid till next summer.' "'Well, but look here, you could borrow one at any time you want it.'  No. For I owe it already.' "'Ow it? The whole ten thousand?' Every penny.' She paused and then continued abruptly, with her eyes on his face. "'I think Gus Trenner spoke to you once about having made some money for me in stocks.' She waited, and Rosdale congested with embarrassment, muttered that he remembered something of the kind. He made about nine thousand dollars. Totally pursued, in the same tone of eager communicativeness. At the time I understood that he was speculating with my own money.  Afterward I found out that he had not used my money, that what he said he had made for me he had really given me. It was meant in kindness, of course, but it was not the sort of obligation one could remain under. Unfortunately I had spent the money before I discovered my mistake, and so my legacy will have to go to pay it back. That is the reason why I am trying to learn a trade.' She made the statement clearly, deliberately, with pauses between the sentences, so that each should have time to sink deeply into the hearer's mind. She had a passionate desire that someone should know the truth about this transaction, and also that the rumor of her intention to repay the money should reach Judy Trenner's ears. And it suddenly occurred to her that Rosdale, who had surprised Trenner's confidence, was the fitting person to receive and transmit her version of the facts. She had even felt a momentary exhilaration at the thought of thus relieving herself of her detested secret, but the sensation gradually faded in the telling, and as she ended her pallor was suffused with a deep blush of misery. Rosdale continued to stare at her in wonder, but the wonder took the turn she at least expected. But see here! If that's the case, it cleans you out altogether. He put it to her as if she had not grasped the consequences of her act, as if her incorrigible ignorance of business were about to precipitate her into a fresh act of folly. All together, yes, she calmly agreed. He sat silent, his thick hands clasped on the table, his little puzzled eyes exploring the recesses of the deserted restaurant. See here! That's fine," he exclaimed abruptly. Lily rose from her seat with a deprecating laugh. Oh, no! It's merely a bore, she asserted, gathering together the ends of her feather scarf. Rosdale remained seated, too intent on his thoughts to notice her movement. Miss Lily, if you want any backing—I like Pluck!—broke from him disconnectedly. Thank you! She held out her hand. Your tea has given me a tremendous backing. I feel equal to anything now. Her gestures seemed to show a definite intention of dismissal, but her companion had tossed a bill to the waiter, and was slipping his short arms into his expensive overcoat. Wait a minute! You've got to let me walk home with you," he said. Lily uttered no protest, and when he had paused to make sure of his change they emerged from the hotel and crossed Sixth Avenue again. As she led the way westward past a long line of areas which, through the distortion of their paintless rails, revealed with increasing candor the disjecta member of bygone dinners, Lily felt that Rosdale was taking contemptuous note of the neighborhood, and before the doorstep at which she finally paused, he looked up with an air of incredulous disgust. This isn't the place. Someone told me you were living with Miss Farish. No. I am boarding here. I have lived too long on my friends. He continued to scan the blistered brown stone front, the windows draped with discolored lace, and the Pompeian decoration of the muddy vestibule. Then he looked back at her face, and said with a visible effort, You let me come and see you some day. She smiled, recognizing the heroism of the offer to the point of being frankly touched by it. Thank you. I shall be very glad," she made answer, in the first sincere word she had ever spoken to him. That evening, in her own room, Miss Bart, who had fled early from the heavy fumes of the basement dinner-table, sat musing upon the impulse which had led her to unbuzzum herself to Rosdale. Beneath it she discovered an increasing sense of loneliness, a dread of returning to the solitude of her room, while she could be anywhere else, or in any company but her own. Most dances, of late, had combined to cut her off more and more from her few remaining friends. On Carrie Fisher's part the withdrawal was perhaps not quite involuntary. Having made her final effort on Lily's behalf, and landed her safely in Madam Regina's work-room, Mrs. Fisher seemed disposed to rest from her labours, and Lily, understanding the reason, could not condemn her. Carrie had, in fact, come dangerously near to being involved in the episode of Mrs. Norma Hatch, and it had taken some verbal ingenuity to extricate herself. She frankly owned to having brought Lily and Mrs. Hatch together, but then she did not know Mrs. Hatch. She had expressly warned Lily that she did not know Mrs. Hatch, and besides she was not Lily's keeper, and really the girl was old enough to take care of herself. Carrie did not put her own case so brutally, but she allowed it to be thus put for her by her latest bosom friend, Mrs. Jack Stepney. Mrs. Stepney, trembling over the narrowness of her only brother's escape, but eager to vindicate Mrs. Fisher, at whose house she could count on the jolly parties, which had become a necessity to her since marriage, had emancipated her from the Van Alsberg point of view. Lily understood the situation, and could make allowances for it. Carrie had been a good friend to her in difficult days, and perhaps only a friendship like Gertie's could be proof against such an increasing strain. Carrie's friendship did indeed hold fast, yet Lily was beginning to avoid her also, for she could not go to Gertie's without risk of meeting Selden, and to meet him now would be pure pain. It was pain enough even to think of him, whether she considered him in the distinctness of her waking thoughts, or felt the obsession of his presence through the blur of her tormented nights. That was one of the reasons why she had turned again to Mrs. Hatch's prescription. In the uneasy snatches of her natural dreams, he came to her sometimes in the old guys of fellowship and tenderness, and she would rise from the sweet delusion mocked and emptied of her courage. But in the sleep which the file procured, she sank far below such half-waking visitations, sank into depths of dreamless annihilation, from which she woke each morning with an obliterated past. Gradually to be sure, the stress of the old thoughts would return, but at least they did not importion her waking hour. The drug gave her a momentary illusion of complete renewal, from which she drew strength to take up her daily work. That strength was more and more needed as the perplexities of her future increased. She knew that to Gertie and Mrs. Fisher, she was only passing through a temporary period of probation, since they believed that the apprenticeship she was serving at Madame Regina's would enable her, when Mrs. Peniston's legacy was paid, to realize the vision of the green and white shop with the fuller competence acquired by her preliminary training. But to Lily herself, aware that the legacy could not be put to such a use, the preliminary training seemed a wasted effort. She understood clearly enough that, even if she could never learn to compete with hands formed from childhood for their special work, the small pay she received would not be a sufficient addition to her income, to compensate her for such drudgery.  Once installed, and in command of her own work women, she believed she had sufficient tact and ability to attract a fashionable clientele, and if the business succeeded she could gradually lay aside enough money to discharge her debt to Trenor. But the task might take years to accomplish, even if she continued to stint herself to the utmost, and meanwhile her pride would be crushed under the weight of an intolerable obligation. These were her superficial considerations, but under them lurked the secret dread that the obligation might not always remain intolerable. She knew she could not count on her continuity of purpose, and what really frightened her was the thought that she might gradually accommodate herself to remaining indefinitely in Trenor's debt, as she had accommodated herself to the part allotted her on the Sabrina, and as she had so nearly drifted into acquiescing with Stancy's scheme for the advancement of Mrs. Hatch. Her danger lay, as she knew, in her old incurable dread of discomfort and poverty. In the fear of that mounting tide of dinginess against which her mother had so passionately warned her. And now a new vista of peril opened before her. She understood that Rosdale was ready to lend her money, and the longing to take advantage of his offer began to haunt her insidiously. It was, of course, impossible to accept a loan from Rosdale, but proximate possibilities hovered temptingly before her. She was quite sure that he would come and see her again, and almost sure that, if he did, she could bring him to the point of offering to marry her on the terms she had previously rejected. Would she still reject them if they were offered? More and more, with every fresh mischance befalling her, did the pursuing Furies seem to take the shape of Bertha Dorsett, and close at hand, safely locked among her papers, lay the means of ending their pursuit. The temptation, which her scorn of Rosdale had once enabled her to reject, now insistently returned upon her. And how much strength was left her to oppose it? What little there was must at any rate be husbanded to the utmost. She could not trust herself again to the perils of a sleepless night. Through the long hours of silence the dark spirit of fatigue and loneliness crouched upon her breast, leaving her so drained of bodily strength that her morning thoughts swam in a haze of weakness. The only hope of renewal lay in the little bottle at her bedside. And how much longer that hope would last, she dared not conjecture. Lily, lingering for a moment on the corner, looked out on the afternoon spectacle of Fifth Avenue. It was a day in late April, and the sweetness of spring was in the air. It mitigated the ugliness of the long-crowded thoroughfare, blurred the gaunt-roof lines, through a mauve veil over the discouraging perspective of the side streets, and gave a touch of poetry to the delicate haze of green that marked the entrance to the park. As Lily stood there, she recognized several familiar faces in the passing carriages. The season was over, and its ruling forces had disbanded, but a few still lingered, delaying their departure for Europe, or passing through town on their return from the south. Among them was Mrs. Van Alsburg, swaying majestically in her sea-spring barouche, with Mrs. Percy Grice at her side, and the new heir to the Grice Millions enthroned before them on his nurse's knees. She was succeeded by Mrs. Hatch's electric Victoria, in which that lady reclined in the lonely splendor of a spring toilet obviously designed for company, and a moment or two later came Judy Trenner, accompanied by Lady Skidaw, who had come over for her annual tarpon fishing and a dip into the street. This fleeting glimpse of her past served to emphasize the sense of aimlessness with which Lily at length turned toward home. She had nothing to do for the rest of the day, nor for the days to come. For the season was over in millinery, as well as in society, and a week earlier Madame Regina had notified her that her services were no longer required. Madame Regina always reduced her staff on the first of May, and Miss Bart's attendance had of late been so irregular, she had so often been unwell, and had done so little work when she came, that it was only as a favour that her dismissal had hitherto been deferred. Lily did not question the justice of the decision. She was conscious of having been forgetful, awkward, and slow to learn. It was bitter to acknowledge her inferiority even to herself, but the fact had been brought home to her that as a breadwinner she could never compete with professional ability. Since she had been brought up to be ornamental, she could hardly blame herself for failing to serve any practical purpose, but the discovery put an end to her consoling sense of universal efficiency. As she turned homeward her thoughts shrank in anticipation from the fact that there would be nothing to get up for the next morning. The luxury of lying late in bed was a pleasure belonging to the life of ease. It had no part in the utilitarian existence of the boarding-house. She liked to leave her room early, and to return to it as late as possible, and was walking slowly now in order to postpone the detested approach to her doorstep. But the doorstep, as she drew near it, acquired a sudden interest from the fact that it was occupied, and indeed filled, by the conspicuous figure of Mr. Rosdale, whose presence seemed to take on the added amplitude from the meanness of his surroundings. The sight stirred Lily with an irresistible sense of triumph. Rosdale, a day or two after their chance meeting, had called to inquire if she had recovered from her indisposition. But since then she had not seen or heard from him, and his absence seemed to betoken a struggle to keep away, to let her pass once more out of his life. If this were the case, his return showed that the struggle had been unsuccessful, for Lily knew he was not the man to waste his time in an ineffectual sentimental dalliance. He was too busy, too practical, and above all too much preoccupied with his own advancement, to indulge in such unprofitable asides. In the peacock-blue parlor, with its bunches of dried pampas-grass and discoloured steel engravings of sentimental episodes, he looked about him with unconcealed disgust, laying his hat distrustfully on the dusty console adorned with a roger's statuette. Lily sat down on one of the plush and rosewood sofas, and he deposited himself in a rocking chair draped with a starched antimicassar, which scraped unpleasantly against the pink fold of skin above his collar. My goodness! You can't go on living here!" he exclaimed. Lily smiled at his tone. I am not sure that I can, but I have gone over my expenses very carefully, and I rather think I shall be able to manage it. That's not what I mean—it's no place for you. It's what I mean, for I have been out of work for the last week. Out of work? Out of work?  The idea of your having to work—it's preposterous! He brought out his sentences in short, violent jerks, as though they were forced up from a deep inner crater of indignation. It's a farce—a crazy farce! Lily repeated. His eyes fixed on the long vista of the room reflected in the blotched glass between the windows. Lily continued to meet his expostulations with a smile. I don't know why I should regard myself as an exception, she began.  I can't talk of it calmly. She had, in truth, never seen him so shaken out of his usual glibness, and there was something almost moving to her in his inarticulate struggle with his emotions. He rose with a start, which left the rocking chair quivering on its beam ends, and placed himself squarely before her. Look here, Miss Lily. I'm going to Europe next week—going over to Paris and London for a couple of months—and I can't leave you like this. I can't do it. I know it's none of my business—you've let me understand that often enough—but things are worse with you now than they have ever been before—and you must see that you've got to accept help from somebody. You spoke to me the other day about some debt to Trenor. I know what you mean, and I respect you for feeling as you do about it. A blush of surprise rose to Lily's pale face, but before she could interrupt him he had continued eagerly. Well, I'll lend you the money to pay Trenor, and I won't—I—see here—don't take me up till I've finished. What I mean is, it'll be a plain business arrangement, such as one man would make with another. Now what have you got to say against that? Lily's blush deepened to a glow in which humiliation and gratitude were mingled, and both sentiments revealed themselves in the unexpected gentleness of her reply. Only this—that it is exactly what Gus Trenor proposed, and that I can never again be sure of understanding the plainest business arrangement. Even realizing that this answer contained a germ of injustice, she added even more kindly. Not that I don't appreciate your kindness, that I'm not grateful for it, but a business arrangement between us would in any case be impossible, because I shall have no security to give when my debt to Gus Trenor has been paid. Rosdale received this statement in silence. He seemed to feel the note of finality in her voice, yet to be unable to accept it as closing the question between them. During the silence Lily had a clear perception of what was passing through his mind. Whatever perplexity he felt as to the inexorableness of her course, however little he penetrated its motive, she saw that it unmistakably tended to strengthen her hold over him. It was as though the sense in her of unexplained scruples and resistances had the same attraction as the delicacy of feature, the fastidiousness of manner, which gave her an external rarity, an air of being impossible to match. As he advanced in social experience, this uniqueness had acquired a greater value for him, as though he were a collector who had learned to distinguish minor differences of design and quality in some long coveted object. Lily, perceiving all this, understood that he would marry her at once, on the sole condition of a reconciliation with Mrs. Dorsett, and the temptation was the less easy to put aside, because, little by little, circumstances were breaking down her dislike for Rosdale. Just like, indeed, still subsisted, but it was penetrated here and there by the perception of mitigating qualities in him, of a certain gross kindness, a rather helpless fidelity of sentiment, which seemed to be struggling through the hard surface of his material ambitions.  If you'd only let me, I'd set you up over them all, I'd put you where you could wipe your feet on them," he declared, and it touched her oddly to see that his new passion had not altered his old standard of values. Lily took no sleeping-drops that night. She lay awake, viewing her situation in the crude light which Rosdale's visit had shed on it. Infending off the offer, he was so plainly ready to renew. Had she not sacrificed to one of those abstract notions of honor that might be called the conventionalities of the moral life, not debt did she owe to a social order which had condemned and banished her without trial. She had never been heard in her own defense, she was innocent of the charge on which she had been found guilty, and the irregularity of her conviction might seem to justify the use of methods as irregular in recovering her lost rights. Bertha Dorsett, to save herself, had not scrupled to ruin her by an open falsehood. Why should she hesitate to make private use of the facts that Chance had put in her way? After all, half the approbrium of such an act lies in the name attached to it. Call it blackmail, and it becomes unthinkable. But explain that it injures no one, and that the rights regained by it were unjustly forfeited, and he must be a formalist indeed who can find no plea in its defense. The arguments pleading forward with Lily were the old unanswer-book ones of the personal situation. The sense of injury, the sense of failure, the passionate craving for a fair chance against the selfish despotism of society. She had learned by experience that she had neither the aptitude nor the moral constancy to remake her life on new lines, to become a worker among workers, and let the world of luxury and pleasure sweep by her unregarded. She could not hold herself much to blame for this ineffectiveness, and she was perhaps less to blame than she believed. Inherited tendencies had combined with early training to make her the highly specialized product she was. An organism as helpless out of its narrow range as the sea anemone torn from the rock. She had been fashioned to adorn and delight. To what other end does nature round the rose-leaf and paint the hummingbird's breast? And was it her fault that the purely decorative mission is less easily and harmoniously fulfilled among social beings than in the world of nature? That it is apt to be hampered by material necessities or complicated by moral scruples. These last were the two antagonistic forces which fought out their battle in her breast during the long watches of the night, and when she rose the next morning she hardly knew where the victory lay. She was exhausted by the reaction of a night without sleep, coming after many nights of rest artificially obtained, and in the distorting light of fatigue the future stretched out before her, grey, interminable, and desolate. She lay late in bed, refusing the coffee and fried eggs which the friendly Irish servant thrust through her door, and hating the intimate domestic noises of the house and the cries and rumblings of the street. Her week of idleness had brought home to her with exaggerated force these small aggravations of the boarding-house world, and she yearned for that other luxurious world whose machinery is so carefully concealed that one scene flows into another without perceptible agency. At length she rose and dressed. When she had left Madame Regina's she had spent her days in the streets, partly to escape from the uncongenial promiscuities of the boarding-house, and partly in the hope that physical fatigue would help her to sleep. But once out of the house she could not decide where to go, for she had avoided Gertie since her dismissal from the milleners, and she was not sure of a welcome anywhere else. The morning was in harsh contrast to the previous day. A cold, grey sky threatened rain, and a high wind drove the dust in wild spirals up and down the streets. Lily walked up Fifth Avenue toward the park, hoping to find a sheltered nook where she might sit. But the wind chilled her, and after an hour's wandering under the tossed boughs she yielded to her increasing weariness, and took refuge in a little restaurant in 59th Street. She was not hungry, and had meant to go without luncheon, but she was too tired to return home, and the long perspective of white tables showed alluringly through the windows. The room was full of women and girls, all too much engaged in the rapid absorption of tea and pie to remark her entrance.  She felt a sudden pang of profound loneliness. She had lost the sense of time, and it seemed to her as though she had not spoken to any one for days. Her eyes sought the faces about her, craving a responsive glance, some sign of an intuition of her trouble. But the sallow, preoccupied women, with their bags and notebooks and rolls of music, were all engrossed in their own fares, and even those who sat by themselves were busy running over proofsheets or devouring magazines between their hurried gulps of tea. Lily alone was stranded in a great waste of disoccupation. She drank several cups of the tea which was served with her portion of stewed oysters, and her brain felt clearer and livelier when she emerged once more into the street. She realized now that, as she sat in the restaurant, she had unconsciously arrived at a final decision. The discovery gave her an immediate illusion of activity. It was exhilarating to think that she had actually a reason for hurrying home. To prolong her enjoyment of the sensation she decided to walk, but the distance was so great that she found herself glancing nervously at the clocks on the way. One of the surprises of her unoccupied state was the discovery that time, when it is left to itself and no definite demands are made on it, cannot be trusted to move at any recognized pace. Usually it loiters, but just when one has come to count upon its slowness, it may suddenly break into a wild, irrational gallop. She found, however, on reaching home, that the hour was still early enough for her to sit down and rest a few minutes before putting her plan into execution. The delay did not perceptibly weaken her resolve. She was frightened, and yet stimulated by the reserved force of resolution which she felt within herself. She saw it was going to be easier—a great deal easier—than she had imagined. At five o'clock she rose, unlocked her trunk, and took out a sealed packet which she slipped into the bosom of her dress. Even the contact with the packet did not shake her nerves as she had half expected it would. She seemed encased in a strong armor of indifference, as though the vigorous exertion of her will had finally benumbed her finer sensibilities. She dressed herself once more for the street, locked her door, and went out. When she emerged on the pavement, the day was still high, but a threat of rain darkened the sky, and cold gusts shook the signs projecting from the basement shops along the street. She reached Fifth Avenue and began to walk slowly northward. She was sufficiently familiar with Mrs. Dorsett's habits to know that she could always be found at home after five. She might not, indeed, be accessible to visitors, especially to a visitor so unwelcome, and against whom it was quite possible that she had guarded herself by special orders, but Lily had written a note which she meant to send up with her name, and which she thought would secure her admission. She had allowed herself time to walk to Mrs. Dorsett's, thinking that the quick movement through the cold evening air would help to steady her nerves, but she really felt no need of being tranquilized. Her survey of the situation remained calm and unwavering. As she reached fiftieth street, the clouds broke abruptly, and a rush of cold rain slanted into her face. She had no umbrella, and the moisture quickly penetrated her thin spring dress. She was still half a mile from her destination, and she decided to walk across to Madison Avenue and take the electric car. As she turned into the side street, a vague memory stirred in her. The row of budding trees, the new brick and limestone house fronts, the Georgian flat houses with flower-boxes on its balconies, were merged together into the setting of a familiar scene. It was down this street that she had walked with Selden, that September day, two years ago. A few yards ahead was the doorway they had entered together. The recollection loosened a throng of benumbed sensations, longings, regrets, imaginings, the throbbing brood of the only spring her heart had ever known. It was strange to find herself passing his house on such an errand. She seemed suddenly to see her action as he would see it, and the fact of his own connection with it, the fact that, to attain her end, she must trade on his name, and profit by a secret of his past, chilled her blood with shame. What a long way she had travelled since the day of their first talk together. Even then her feet had been set in the path she was now following. Even then she had resisted the hand he had held out. All her resentment of his fancied coldness was swept away in this overwhelming rush of recollection. Twice he had been ready to help her, to help her by loving her, as he had said, and if, the third time, he had seemed to fail her, whom but herself could she accuse? Well, that part of her life was over. She did not know why her thoughts still clung to it. But the sudden longing to see him remained. It grew to hunger as she paused on the pavement opposite his door. The street was dark and empty, swept by the rain. She had a vision of his quiet room, of the bookshelves, and the fire on the hearth. She looked up, and saw a light in his window. Then she crossed the street, and entered the house. CHAPTER XII The library looked as she had pictured it. The green shaded lamps made tranquil circles of light in the gathering dusk, a little fire flickered on the hearth, and Seldin's easy-chair, which stood near it, had been pushed aside when he rose to admit her. He had shacked his first movement of surprise, and stood silent, waiting for her to speak, while she paused a moment on the threshold, assailed by a rush of memories. The scene was unchanged. She recognized the row of shelves from which she had taken down his la brouillère, and the worn arm of the chair he had leaned against while she examined the precious volume. But then the wide September light had filled the room, making it seem a part of the outer world. Now the shaded lamps and the warm hearth, detaching it from the gathering darkness of the street, gave it a sweeter touch of intimacy. Becoming gradually aware of the surprise under Seldin's silence, Lily turned to him and said simply, I came to tell you that I was sorry for the way we parted, for what I said to you that day at Mrs. Hatch's. The words rose to her lips spontaneously. Even on her way up the stairs, she had not thought of preparing a pretext for her visit, but she now felt an intense longing to dispel the cloud of misunderstanding that hung between them. Seldin returned her look with a smile. I was sorry, too, that we should have parted in that way, but I am not sure I didn't bring it on myself—luckily I had foreseen the risk I was taking. So that you really didn't care—broke from her with the flash of her old irony—so that I was prepared for the consequences, he corrected good-humoredly. But we'll talk of all this later. Do come and sit by the fire. I can recommend that arm-chair, if you'll let me put a cushion behind you. While he spoke she had moved slowly to the middle of the room, and paused near his writing-table, where the lamp, striking upward, cast exaggerated shadows on the pallor of her delicately hallowed face. You look tired. Do sit down," he repeated gently. She did not seem to hear the request. I wanted you to know that I left Mrs. Hatch immediately after I saw you, she said, as though continuing her confession. Yes—yes, I know—he assented, with a rising tinge of embarrassment. And that I did so, because you told me to. Before you came I had already begun to see that it would be impossible to remain with her, for the reasons you gave me. But I wouldn't admit it. I wouldn't let you see that I understood what you meant. Ah! I might have trusted you to find your own way out. Don't overwhelm me with the sense of my officiousness. His light tone, in which, had her nerves been steadier, she would have recognized the mere effort to bridge over an awkward moment, jarred on her passionate desire to be understood. In her strange state of extra lucidity, which gave her the sense of being already at the heart of the situation, it seemed incredible that any one should think it necessary to linger in the conventional outskirts of word play and evasion. It was not that. I was not ungrateful," she insisted. But the power of expression failed her suddenly.  Selden moved forward and took her hand. You are very tired.  He drew her to the arm-chair near the fire, and placed a cushion behind her shoulders. And now you must let me make you some tea. You know I always have that amount of hospitality at my command. She shook her head, and two more tears ran over. But she did not weep easily, and the long habit of self-control reasserted itself, though she was still too tremulous to speak. You know I can coax the water to boil in five minutes," Selden continued, speaking as though she were a troubled child. His words recalled the vision of that other afternoon when they had sat together over his tea-table, and talked gestingly of her future. There were moments when that day seemed more remote than any other event in her life, and yet she could always relive it in its minutest detail. She made a gesture of refusal. No. I drink too much tea. I would rather sit quiet. I must go in a moment," she added confusedly. Selden continued to stand near her, leaning against the mantelpiece. The tinge of constraint was beginning to be more distinctly perceptible under the friendly ease of his manner. Her self-absorption had not allowed her to perceive it at first. But now that her consciousness was once more putting forth its eager feelers, she saw that her presence was becoming an embarrassment to him. Such a situation can be saved only by an immediate outrush of feeling, and on Selden's side the determining impulse was still lacking. The discovery did not disturb Lily as it might once have done. She had passed beyond the phase of well-bred reciprocity, in which every demonstration must be scrupulously proportioned to the emotion it elicits, and generosity of feeling is the only ostentation condemned. But the sense of loneliness returned with redoubled force as she saw herself forever shut out from Selden's inmost self. She had come to him with no definite purpose. The mere longing to see him had directed her. But the secret hope she had carried with her suddenly revealed itself in its death-pang. "'I must go,' she repeated, making a motion to rise in her chair. "'But I may not see you again for a long time, and I wanted to tell you that I have never forgotten the things you said to me at Belamont, and that sometimes—sometimes when I seemed farthest from remembering them—they have helped me, and kept me from mistakes—kept me from really becoming what many people have thought me.' Strive as she would to put some order in her thoughts, the words would not come more clearly. Yet she felt that she could not leave him without trying to make him understand that she had saved herself whole from the seeming ruin of her life. A change had come over Selden's face as she spoke. Its guarded look had yielded to an expression still untinged by personal emotion, but full of a gentle understanding. "'I am glad to have you tell me that. But nothing I have said has really made the difference. The difference is in yourself. It will always be there. And since it is there, it can't really matter to you what people think. You are so sure that your friends will always understand you.' "'Ah, don't say that. Don't say that what you have told me has made no difference. It seems to shut me out, to leave me all alone with the other people.' She had risen and stood before him, once more completely mastered by the inner urgency of the moment. The consciousness of his half-divine reluctance had vanished. Whether he wished it or not, he must see her wholly for once before they parted. Her voice had gathered strength, and she looked him gravely in the eyes as she continued. Once—twice—you gave me the chance to escape from my life, and I refused it.  Afterward I saw my mistake. I saw I could never be happy with what had contented me before. But it was too late. You had judged me. I understood. It was too late for happiness. But not too late to be helped by the thought of what I had missed. That is all I have lived on. Don't take it from me now. Even in my worst moments it has been like a little light in the darkness. Some women are strong enough to be good by themselves, but I needed the help of your belief in me. Perhaps I might have resisted a great temptation, but the little ones would have pulled me down. And then I remembered. I remembered your saying that such a life could never satisfy me, and I was ashamed to admit to myself that it could. That is what you did for me. That is what I wanted to thank you for. I wanted to tell you that I have always remembered, and that I have tried—tried hard. She broke off suddenly. Her tears had risen again, and in drawing out her handkerchief her fingers touched the packet in the folds of her dress.  Then she lifted her eyes to his and went on in an altered voice. I have tried hard. But life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else. What can one do when one finds that one only fits into one hole? One must get back to it or be thrown out into the rubbish heap. And you don't know what it's like in the rubbish heap. Her lips wavered into a smile. She had been distracted by the whimsical remembrance of the confidences she had made to him two years earlier in that very room. Then she had been planning to marry Percy Grice. What was it she was planning now? The blood had risen strongly under Selden's dark skin, but his emotion showed itself only in an added seriousness of manner. You have something to tell me. Do you mean to marry?—he said abruptly. These eyes did not falter, but a look of wonder, of puzzled self-interrogation, formed itself slowly in their depths. In the light of his question, she had paused to ask herself if her decision had really been taken when she entered the room. You always told me I should have to come to it sooner or later, she said with a faint smile. And you have come to it now? I shall have to come to it, presently. But there is something else I must come to first. She paused again, trying to transmit to her voice the steadiness of her recovered smile. There is some one I must say good-bye to. Oh, not you! We are sure to see each other again. But the lily-bart you knew.  I am going to leave her here. When I go out presently, she will not go with me. I shall like to think that she has stayed with you, and shall be no trouble. She'll take up no room. She went toward him, and put out her hand, still smiling. Will you let her stay with you? She asked. He caught her hand, and she felt in his the vibration of feeling that had not yet risen to his lips. Lily, can't I help you? he exclaimed. She looked at him gently. Do you remember what you said to me once? That you could help me only by loving me? Well, you did love me for a moment, and it helped me. It has always helped me. But the moment is gone. It was I who let it go. And one must go on living. Good-bye. She laid her other hand on his, and they looked at each other with a kind of solemnity, as though they stood in the presence of death. Something in truth laid dead between them. The love she had killed in him, and could no longer call to life. But something lived between them also, and leaped up in her like an imperishable flame. It was the love his love had kindled, the passion of her soul for his. In its light everything else dwindled and fell away from her. She understood now that she could not go forth and leave her old self with him. That self must indeed live on in his presence, but it must still continue to be hers. Selden had retained her hand, and continued to scrutinize her with a strange sense of foreboding. The external aspect of the situation had vanished for him as completely as for her. He felt it only as one of those rare moments which lift the veil from their faces as they pass. "'Lily,' he said in a low voice, "'you mustn't speak in this way. I can't let you go without knowing what you mean to do. Things may change, but they don't pass. You can never go out of my life.' She met his eyes with an illumined look. "'No,' she said, "'I see that now. Let us always be friends. Then I shall feel safe—whatever happens.' "'Whatever happens? What do you mean? What is going to happen?' She turned away quietly and walked toward the hearth. "'Nothing at present. Except that I am very cold, and that before I go you must make up the fire for me.' She knelt on the hearth-rug, stretching her hands to the embers. Puzzled by the strange change in her tone, he mechanically gathered a handful of wood from the basket, and tossed it on the fire. As he did so, he noticed how thin her hands looked against the rising light of the flames. He saw, too, under the loose lines of her dress, how the curves of her figure had shrunk to angularity. He remembered long afterward how the red play of the flame sharpened the depression of her nostrils, and intensified the blackness of the shadows which struck up from her cheekbones to her eyes. She knelt there for a few moments in silence—a silence which he dared not break. When she rose, he fancied that he saw her draw something from her dress, and drop it into the fire. But he hardly noticed the gesture at the time. His faculties seemed tranced, and he was still groping for the word to break the spell. She went up to him, and laid her hands on his shoulders. "'Good-bye,' she said. And as he bent over her, she touched his forehead with her lips. CHAPTER XIII The street lamps were lit, but the rain had ceased, and there was a momentary revival of light in the upper sky. Lily walked on, unconscious of her surroundings. She was still treading the buoyant ether which emanates from the high moments of life. But gradually it shrank away from her, and she felt the dull pavement beneath her feet. The sense of weariness returned with accumulated force, and for a moment she felt that she could walk no farther. She had reached the corner of forty-first street in Fifth Avenue, and she remembered that in Bryant Park there were seats where she might rest. That melancholy pleasure-ground was almost deserted when she entered it, and she sank down on an empty bench in the glare of an electric street-lamp. The warmth of the fire had passed out of her veins, and she told herself that she must not sit long in the penetrating dampness which struck up from the wet asphalt. But her willpower seemed to have spent itself in a last great effort, and she was lost in the blank reaction which follows on an unwonted expenditure of energy. And besides, what was there to go home to? Nothing but the silence of her cheerless room, that silence of the night which may be more racking to tired nerves than the most discordant noises, that and the bottle of chloral by her bed. The thought of the chloral was the only spot of light in the dark prospect. She could feel its lulling influence stealing over her already. But she was troubled by the thought that it was losing its power. She dared not go back to it too soon. Of late the sleep it had brought her had been more broken and less profound. There had been nights when she was perpetually floating up through it to consciousness. Much of the effect of the drug should gradually fail, as all narcotics were said to fail. She remembered the chemists' warning against increasing the dose, and she had heard before of the capricious and incalculable action of the drug. Her dread of returning to a sleepless night was so great that she lingered on, hoping that excessive weariness would reinforce the waning power of the chloral. Night had now closed in, and the roar of traffic in 42nd Street was dying out. As complete darkness fell on the square the lingering occupants of the benches rose and dispersed. But now and then a stray figure, hurrying homeward, struck across the path where Lily sat, looming black for a moment in the white circle of electric light. One or two of these passers-by slackened their pace to glance curiously at her lonely figure, but she was hardly conscious of their scrutiny. Suddenly however, she became aware that one of the passing shadows remained stationary between her line of vision and the gleaming asphalt, and raising her eyes she saw a young woman bending over her. "'Excuse me? Are you sick? Why, it's Miss Bart!' a half-familiar voice exclaimed. Lily looked up. The speaker was a poorly dressed young woman with a bundle under her arm. Her face had the air of unwholesome refinement which ill health and overwork may produce, but its common prettiness was redeemed by the strong and generous curve of the lips. "'You don't remember me?' she continued, brightening with the pleasure of recognition. "'But I'd know you anywhere. I've thought of you such a lot. I guess my folks all know your name by heart. I was one of the girls at Miss Farish's club. You helped me to go to the country that time. I had lung trouble. My name's Nettie Strother. It was Nettie Crane, then, but I daresay you don't remember that, either.' Yes, Lily was beginning to remember. The episode of Nettie Crane's timely rescue from disease had been one of the most satisfying incidents of her connection with Gertie's charitable work. She had furnished the girl with the means to go to a sanatorium in the mountains. It struck her now with a peculiar irony that the money she had used had been Gus Trenners. She tried to reply, to assure the speaker that she had not forgotten, but her voice failed in the effort, and she felt herself sinking under a great wave of physical weakness. Nettie Strother, with a startled exclamation, sat down and slipped a shabbily-clad arm behind her back. "'Why, Miss Bart, you are sick. Just lean on me a little till you feel better.' A faint glow of returning strength seemed to pass into Lily from the pressure of the supporting arm. "'I'm only tired. It is nothing,' she found voice to say in a moment, and then, as she met the timid appeal of her companion's eyes, she added involuntarily, "'I have been unhappy, in great trouble.' "'You, in trouble? I've always thought of you as being so high up, where everything was just grand. Sometimes, when I felt real mean, and got to wondering why things were so clearly fixed in the world, I used to remember that you were having a lovely time anyhow, and that seemed to show there was a kind of justice somewhere.  It's fearfully damp.  She broke off. "'Yes. Yes. I must go home,' Lily murmured, rising. Her eyes rested, wonderingly, on the thin, shabby figure at her side. She had known Nettie Crane as one of the discouraged victims of overwork and anemic parentage, one of the superfluous fragments of life destined to be swept prematurely into that social refuge-heap, of which Lily had so lately expressed her dread. But Nettie Struthers' frail envelope was now alive with hope and energy. Whatever fate the future reserved for her, she would not be cast into the refuge-heap without a struggle. "'I am very glad to have seen you,' Lily continued, summoning a smile to her unsteady lips.  You're not fit to go home alone. And I can't go with you, either,' Nettie Struthers wailed with the start of recollection. "'You see, it's my husband's night shift. He's the motorman, and the friend I leave the baby with has to step upstairs to get her husband's supper at seven. I didn't tell you I had a baby, did I?  I'd give anything to show you the baby, Miss Bart, and we live right down the street here. It's only three blocks off.' She lifted her eyes tentatively to Lily's face, and then added with a burst of courage.  It's real warm in our kitchen, and you can rest there, and I'll take you home as soon as ever she drops off to sleep.' It was warm in the kitchen, which, when Nettie Struthers' match had made a flame leap from the gas jet above the table, revealed itself to Lily as extraordinarily small and almost miraculously clean. A fire shone through the polished flanks of the iron stove, and near it stood a crib in which a baby was sitting upright, with insipiate anxiety struggling for expression, on a countenance still placid with sleep. Having passionately celebrated her reunion with her offspring, and excused herself in cryptic language for the lateness of her return, Nettie restored the baby to the crib, and shyly invited Miss Bart to the rocking-chair near the stove. "'We've got a parlor, too,' she explained with pardonable pride, "'but I guess it's warmer in here, and I don't want to leave you alone while I'm getting baby supper.'" On receiving Lily's assurance that she much preferred the friendly proximity of the kitchen fire, Mrs. Struthers proceeded to prepare a bottle of infantile food, which she tenderly applied to the baby's impatient lips, and while the ensuing degustation went on, she seated herself with a beaming countenance beside her visitor.  After some of baby's fresh milk left over—well, maybe you'd rather just sit quiet and rest a little while. It's too lovely having you here. I've thought of it so often that I can't believe it's really come true. I've said to George again and again, I just wish Miss Bart could see me now. And I used to watch for your name in the papers, and we'd talk over what you were doing, and read the descriptions of the dresses you wore.  Her lips broke into a reminiscent smile.  When you sent me off that time, I never thought I'd come back alive, and I didn't much care if I did. You see, I didn't know about George and the baby then. She paused to readjust the bottle to the child's bubbling mouth. You precious! Don't you be in too much of a hurry? Was it mad with Mama forgetting its supper so late? Mary Antoinette—that's what we call her—after the French queen in that play at the garden, I told George the actress reminded me of you, and that made me fancy the name. I never thought I'd get married, you know, and I never have had the heart to go on working just for myself. She broke off again, and meeting the encouragement in Lily's eyes, went on, with a flush rising under her anemic skin. You see, I wasn't only just sick that time you sent me off—I was dreadfully unhappy, too. I'd known a gentleman where I was employed—I don't know, as you remember, I did type-writing in a big importing firm—and, well, I thought we were to be married. He'd gone steadily with me six months and given me his mother's wedding-ring. But I presume he was too stylish for me. He travelled for the firm, and had seen a great deal of society. Work-girls aren't looked after the way you are, and they don't always know how to look after themselves. I didn't—and it pretty nearly killed me when he went away and left off writing. It was then I came down sick. I thought it was the end of everything. I guess it would have been if you hadn't sent me off. But when I found I was getting well, I began to take heart in spite of myself. And then, when I got back home, George came round and asked me to marry him. At first I thought I couldn't, because we'd been brought up together, and I knew he knew about me. But after a while I began to see that made it easier. I never could have told another man, and I'd never have married without telling. But if George cared for me enough to have me as I was, I didn't see why I shouldn't begin over again. And I did. The strength of the victory shone forth from her as she lifted her irradiated face from the child on her knees. But mercy! I didn't mean to go on like this about myself, with you sitting there looking so fagged out. Only it's so lovely having you here, and letting you see just how you've helped me. The baby had sunk back blissfully replete, and Mrs. Struther rose softly to lay the bottle aside. Then she paused before Miss Bart. I only wish I could help you, but I suppose there's nothing on earth I could do. She murmured wistfully. Only instead of answering, rose with a smile and held out her arms, and the mother, understanding the gesture, laid her child in them. The baby, feeling herself detached from her habitual anchorage, made an instinctive motion of resistance, but the soothing influences of digestion prevailed, and Lily felt the soft weight sink trustfully against her breast. The child's confidence in its safety thrilled her with a sense of warmth and returning life, and she bent over, wondering at the rosy blur of the little face, the empty clearness of the eyes, the vague tenderly motions of the folding and unfolding fingers. At first the burden in her arms seemed as light as a pink cloud or a heap of down, but as she continued to hold it, the weight increased, sinking deeper, and penetrating her with a strange sense of weakness, as though the child entered into her, and became part of herself. She looked up, and saw Nettie's eyes resting on her with tenderness and exaltation. Wouldn't it be too lovely for anything if she could grow up to be just like you? Of course I know she never could, but mothers are always dreaming the craziest things for their children.  Oh, she must not do that. I should be afraid to come and see her too often. She said with a smile. And then, resisting Mrs. Struthers' anxious offer of companionship, and reiterating the promise that, of course, she would come back soon, and make George's acquaintance, and see the baby in her bath, she passed out of the kitchen, and went alone down the tenement stairs. As she reached the street, she realized that she felt stronger and happier, the little episode had done her good. It was the first time she had ever come across the results of her spasmodic benevolence, and the surprised sense of human fellowship took the mortal chill from her heart. It was not till she entered her own door that she felt the reaction of a deeper loneliness. It was long after seven o'clock, and the light and odours proceeding from the basement made it manifest that the boarding-house dinner had begun. She hastened up to her room, lit the gas, and began to dress. She did not mean to pamper herself any longer, to go without food because her surroundings made it unpalatable. As it was her fate to live in a boarding-house, she must learn to fall in with the conditions of the life. Nevertheless she was glad that, when she descended to the heat and glare of the dining-room, the repast was nearly over. In her own room again, she was seized with a sudden fever of activity. For weeks past she had been too listless and indifferent to set her possessions in order, but now she began to examine systematically the contents of her drawers and cupboard. She had a few handsome dresses left, survivals of her last phase of splendour on the Sabrina and in London. But when she had been obliged to part with her maid, she had given the woman a generous share for cast-off apparel. The remaining dresses, though they had lost their freshness, still kept the long unerring lines, the sweep and amplitude of the great artist's stroke, and as she spread them out on the bed, the scenes in which they had been worn rose vividly before her. An association lurked in every fold. Each fall of lace and gleam of embroidery was like a letter in the record of her past. She was startled to find how the atmosphere of her old life enveloped her. But after all it was the life she had been made for. Every dawning tendency in her had been carefully directed toward it. All her interests and activities had been taught to centre around it. She was like some rare flower grown for exhibition, a flower from which every bud had been nipped except the crowning blossom of her beauty. Last of all she drew forth from the bottom of her trunk a heap of white drapery, which fell shapelessly across her arm. It was the Reynolds dress she had worn in the Brie tableau. It had been impossible for her to give it away, but she had never seen it since that night, and the long flexible folds, as she shook them out, gave forth an odour of violets which came to her like a breath from the flower-edged fountain where she had stood with Laurence Selden and disowned her fate. She put back the dresses one by one, laying away with each some gleam of light, some note of laughter, some stray waft from the rosy shores of pleasure. She was still in a state of highly wrought impressionability, and every hint of the past sent a lingering tremor along her nerves. She had just closed her trunk on the white folds of the Reynolds dress, when she heard a tap at her door, and the red fist of the Irish maid-servant thrust in a belated letter. Carrying it to the light, Lily Red was surprised the address stamped on the upper corner of the envelope. It was a business communication from the office of her aunt's executors, and she wondered what unexpected development had caused them to break silence before the appointed time. She opened the envelope, and a check fluttered to the floor. As she stooped to pick it up, the blood rushed to her face. The check represented the full amount of Mrs. Peniston's legacy, and the letter accompanying it explained that the executors, having adjusted the business of the estate with less delay than they had expected, had decided to anticipate the date fixed for the payment of the bequests. Lily sat down beside the desk at the foot of her bed, and, spreading out the check, read over and over the ten thousand dollars written across it in a steely business hand. Ten months earlier, the amount it stood for had represented the depths of penury, but her standard of values had changed in the interval, and now visions of wealth lurked in every flourish of the pen. As she continued to gaze at it, she felt the glitter of the visions mounting to her brain, and after a while she lifted the lid of the desk and slipped the magic formula out of sight. It was easier to think without those five figures dancing before her eyes, and she had a great deal of thinking to do before she slept. She opened her checkbook, and plunged into such anxious calculations as had prolonged her vigil at Bellamont on the night when she had decided to marry Percy Grice. Poverty simplifies bookkeeping, and her financial situation was easier to ascertain than it had been then, but she had not yet learned the control of money, and during her transient phase of luxury at the Emporium, she had slipped back into habits of extravagance which still impaired her slender balance. A careful examination of her checkbook, and of the unpaid bills at her desk, showed that, when the latter had been settled, she would have barely enough to live on for the next three or four months, and even after that, if she were to continue her present way of living without earning any additional money, all incidental expenses must be reduced to the vanishing point. She hid her eyes with a shutter, beholding herself at the entrance of that ever-narrowing perspective, down which she had seen Miss Silverton's dowdy figure take its despondent way. It was no longer, however, from the vision of material poverty that she turned with the greatest shrinking. She had a sense of deeper impoverishment, of an inner destitution compared to which outward conditions dwindled into insignificance. It was indeed miserable to be poor, to look forward to a shabby, anxious middle-age, being by dreary degrees of economy and self-denial to gradual absorption in the dingy communal existence of the boarding-house. But there was something more miserable still. It was the clutch of solitude at her heart, the sense of being swept like a stray, uprooted growth down the heedless current of the years. That was the feeling which possessed her now, the feeling of being something ruthless and ephemeral, mere spin-drift at the whirling surface of existence, without anything to which the poor little tentacles of self could cling before the awful floods submerged them. And as she looked back, she saw that there had never been a time when she had had any real relation to life. Her parents, too, had been rootless, blown hither and thither on every wind of fashion, without any personal existence to shelter them from its shifting gusts. She herself had grown up without any one spot of earth being dearer to her than another. There was no centre of early pieties, of grave and dearing traditions, to which her heart could revert, and from which could draw strength for itself, and tenderness for others. In whatever form a slowly accumulated past lives in the blood, whether in the concrete image of the old house stored with visual memories, or in the conception of the house not built with hands, but made up of inherited passions and loyalties, it has the same power of broadening and deepening the individual existence, of attaching it by mysterious lengths of kinship to all the mighty sum of humans driving. Such a vision of the solidarity of life had never before come to Lily. She had had a premonition of it in the blind motions of her mating instinct, but they had been checked by the disintegrating influences of the life about her. All the men and women she knew were like atoms whirling away from each other in some wild centrifugal dance. Her first glimpse of the continuity of life had come to her that evening in Nettie Struthers' kitchen. The poor little working girl, who had found strength to gather up the fragments of her life and build herself a shelter with them, seemed to Lily to have reached the central truth of existence. It was a meager enough life, on the grim edge of poverty, with scant margin for possibilities of sickness or mischance, but it had the frail audacious permanence of a bird's nest built on the edge of a cliff, a mere wisp of leaves and straw, yet so put together that the lives entrusted to it may hang safely over the abyss. Yes, but it had taken two to build the nest—the man's faith as well as the woman's courage. Lily remembered Nettie's words, I knew he knew about me. Her husband's faith in her had made her renewable possible.  Well, Selden had twice been ready to stake his faith on Millie Bart, but the third trial had been too severe for his endurance. The very quality of his love had made it the more impossible to recall to life. If it had been a simple instinct of the blood, the power of her beauty might have revived it. But the fact that it struck deeper, that it was inextricably wound up with inherited habits of thought and feeling, made it as impossible to restore to growth as a deep-rooted plant torn from its bed. Selden had given her of his best, but he was as incapable as herself of an uncritical return to former states of feeling. They remained to her, as she had told him, the uplifting memory of his faith in her, but she had not reached the age when a woman can live on her memories. As she held Nettie Strother's child in her arms, the frozen currents of youth had loosed themselves and run warm in her veins. The old life-hunger possessed her, and all her being clamored for its share of personal happiness. Yes, it was happiness she still wanted, and the glimpse she had caught of it made everything else of no account. One by one she had attached herself from the baser possibilities, and she saw that nothing now remained to her but the emptiness of renunciation. It was growing late, and an immense weariness once more possessed her. It was not the stealing sense of sleep, but a vivid wakeful fatigue, a wan lucidity of mind against which all the possibilities of the future were shadowed forth gigantically. She was appalled by the intense cleanness of the vision. She seemed to have broken through the merciful veil which intervenes between intention and action, and to see exactly what she would do in all the long days to come. There was the check in her desk, for instance. She meant to use it in paying her debt to Trenor. But she foresaw that when the morning came she would put off doing so, would slip into gradual tolerance of the debt. The thought terrified her. She dreaded to fall from the height of her last moment with Laurence Selden. But how could she trust herself to keep her footing? She knew the strength of the opposing impulses. She could feel the countless hands of habit dragging her back into some fresh compromise with fate. She felt an intense longing to prolong, to perpetuate, the momentary exaltation of her spirit, if only life could end now, end on this tragic yet sweet vision of lost possibilities which gave her a sense of kinship with all the loving and foregoing in the world. She reached out suddenly, and, drawing the check from her writing desk, enclosed it in an envelope which she addressed to her bank. She then wrote out a check for Trenor, and placing it, without an accompanying word, in an envelope inscribed with his name, laid the two letters side by side on her desk. After that she continued to sit at the table, sorting her papers and writing, till the intense silence of the house reminded her of the lateness of the hour. In the street the noise of wheels had ceased, and the rumble of the elevated came only at long intervals through the deep unnatural hush. In the mysterious nocturnal separation from all outward signs of life, she felt herself more strangely confronted with her fate.  But the terrible silence and emptiness seemed to symbolize her future. She felt as though the house, the street, the world were all empty, and she alone left sentient in a lifeless universe. Except this was the verge of delirium. She had never hung so near the dizzy brink of the unreal. Sleep was what she wanted. She remembered that she had not closed her eyes for two nights. A little bottle was at her bedside, waiting to lay its spell upon her. She rose and undressed hastily, hungering now for the touch of her pillow. She felt so profoundly tired, that she thought she must fall asleep at once. But as soon as she had lain down, every nerve started once more into separate wakefulness. It was as though a great blaze of electric light had been turned on in her head, and her poor little anguished self shrank and cowered in it, without knowing where to take refuge. She had not imagined that such a multiplication of wakefulness was possible. Her whole past was re-enacting itself at a hundred different points of consciousness. Where was the drug that could steal this legion of insurgent nerves? The sense of exhaustion would have been sweet compared to this shrill beat of activities. But weariness had dropped from her as though some cruel stimulant had been forced into her veins. She could bear it. Yes, she could bear it. But what strength would be left her the next day? Perspective had disappeared. The next day pressed close upon her, and on its heels came the days that were to follow. They swarmed about her like a shrieking mob. She must shut them out for a few hours. She must take a brief bath of oblivion. She put out her hand, and measured the soothing drops into a glass. But as she did so, she knew they would be powerless against the supernatural lucidity of her brain. She had long since raised the dose to its highest limit, but tonight she felt she must increase it. She knew she took a slight risk in doing so. She remembered the chemist's warning. If sleep came at all, it might be asleep without waking. But after all, that was but one chance and a hundred. The action of the drug was incalculable, and the addition of a few drops to the regular dose would probably do no more than procure for her the rest she so desperately needed. She did not, in truth, consider the question very closely. The physical craving for sleep was her only sustained sensation. Her mind shrank from the glare of thought as instinctively as eyes contract in a blaze of light. Darkness. Darkness was what she must have at any cost. She raised herself in bed, and swallowed the contents of the glass. Then she blew out her candle, and laid down. She lay very still, waiting with a sensuous pleasure for the first effects of the soporific. She knew in advance what forms they would take, the gradual cessation of the inner throb, the soft approach of passiveness, as though an invisible hand made magic passes over her in the darkness. The very slowness and hesitancy of the effect increased its fascination. It was delicious to lean over and look down into the dim abysses of unconsciousness. Tonight the drug seemed to work more slowly than usual. Each passionate pulse had to be stilled in turn, and it was long before she felt them dropping into abeyance, like sentinels falling asleep at their posts. But gradually the sense of complete subjugation came over her, and she wondered languidly what had made her feel so uneasy and excited. She now saw that there was nothing to be excited about. She had returned to her normal view of life. Tomorrow would not be so difficult, after all. She felt sure that she would have the strength to meet it. She did not quite remember what it was that she had been so afraid to meet, but the uncertainty no longer troubled her. She had been unhappy, and now she was happy. She had felt herself alone, and now the sense of loneliness had vanished. She stirred once and turned on her side, and as she did so, she suddenly understood why she did not feel herself alone. It was odd, but Nettie Struthers' child was lying on her arm.  She did not know how it had come there, but she felt no great surprise at the fact, only a gentle penetrating thrill of warmth and pleasure.  As she lay there, she said to herself that there was something she must tell Seldon, some word she had found that should make life clear between them. She tried to repeat the word, which lingered vague and luminous on the far edge of thought. She was afraid of not remembering it when she woke, and if she could only remember it, and say it to him, she felt that everything would be well. Slowly the thought of the word faded, and sleep began to unfold her. She struggled faintly against it, feeling that she ought to keep awake on account of the baby. But even this feeling was gradually lost in an indistinct sense of drowsy peace. Through which, of a sudden, a dark flash of loneliness and terror tore its way. She started up again, cold and trembling with the shock, for a moment she seemed to have lost her hold of the child. But no, she was mistaken. The tender pressure of its body was still close to hers. The recovered warmth flowed through her once more. She yielded to it, sank into it, and slept. End of CHAPTER XIII Book II CHAPTER XIV of the House of Merth. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information, or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Elizabeth Clett. The House of Merth by Edith Wharton. Book II CHAPTER XIV The next morning rose mild and bright, with a promise of summer in the air. The sunlight slanted joyously down Lily Street, mellowed the blistered house front, gilded the painless railings of the doorstep, and struck prismatic glories from the pains of her darkened window. When such a day coincides with the inner mood there is intoxication in its breath, and Selden, hastening along the street through the squalor of its morning confidences, felt himself thrilling with a youthful sense of adventure. He had cut loose from the familiar shores of habit, and launched himself on uncharted seas of emotion. All the old tests and measures were left behind, and his course was to be shaped by new stars. That course, for the moment, led merely to Miss Bart's boarding-house, but its shabby doorstep had suddenly become the threshold of the untried. As he approached, he looked up at the triple row of windows, wondering boyishly which one of them was hers. It was nine o'clock, and the house, being tenanted by workers, already showed an awakened front to the street. He remembered afterward having noticed that only one blind was down. He noticed, too, that there was a pot of pansies on one of the window-sills, and it once concluded that the window must be hers. It was inevitable that he should connect her with the one touch of beauty in the dingy scene. Nine o'clock was an early hour for a visit, but Selden had passed beyond all such conventional observances. He only knew that he must see Lily Bart at once. He had found the word he meant to say to her, and it could not wait another moment to be said. It was strange that it had not come to his lips sooner, that he had let her pass from him the evening before without being able to speak it. But what did that matter, now that a new day had come? It was not a word for twilight, but for the morning. Selden ran eagerly up the steps and pulled the bell, and even in his state of self-absorption it came as a sharp surprise to him that the door should open so promptly. It was still more of a surprise to see, as he entered, that it had been opened by Gertie Farish, and that behind her, in an agitated blur, several other figures ominously loomed. "'Lawrence,' Gertie cried in a strange voice, "'how could you get here so quickly?' and the trembling hand she laid on him seemed instantly to close about his heart. He noticed the other faces, vague with fear and conjecture.  A voice in the background said that the doctor might be back at any minute, and that nothing upstairs was to be disturbed. Someone else exclaimed, "'It was the greatest mercy.' Then Selden felt that Gertie had taken him gently by the hand, and that they were to be suffered to go up alone. In silence they mounted the three flights, and walked along the passage to a closed door. Gertie opened the door, and Selden went in after her. Though the blind was down, the irresistible sunlight poured a tempered golden flood into the room, and in its light Selden saw a narrow bed along the wall, and on the bed, with motionless hands, and calm, unrecognizing face, the semblance of Lily Bart. And it was her real self every pulse in him ardently denied. Her real self had lain warm on his heart but a few hours earlier. What had he to do with this estranged and tranquil face, which, for the first time, neither paled nor brightened at his coming? Gertie, strangely tranquil, too, with the conscious self-control of one who has ministered to much pain, stood by the bed, speaking gently, as if transmitting a final message. The doctor found a bottle of chloral. She had been sleeping badly for a long time, and she must have taken an overdose by mistake. There is no doubt of that. No doubt. There will be no question. He has been very kind. I told him that you and I would like to be left alone with her. To go over her things before anyone else comes. I know it is what she would have wished. Selden was hardly conscious of what she said. He stood looking down on the sleeping face, which seemed to lie like a delicate, impalpable mask over the living lineaments he had known. He felt that the real Lily was still there, close to him, yet invisible and inaccessible, and the tenuity of the barrier between them mocked him with a sense of helplessness. There had never been more than little impalpable barrier between them, and yet he had suffered it to keep them apart. And now, though it seemed slighter and frailer than ever, it had suddenly hardened to adamant, and he might beat his life out against it in vain. He had dropped on his knees beside the bed, but a touch from Girdy aroused him. He stood up, and as their eyes met he was struck by the extraordinary light in his cousin's face. You understand what the doctor has gone for. He has promised that there shall be no trouble, but of course the formalities must be gone through, and I asked him to give us time to look through her things first. He nodded, and she glanced about the small-bear room. It won't take long, she concluded. No, it won't take long, he agreed. She held his hand in hers a moment longer, and then, with a last look at the bed, moved silently toward the door. On the threshold she paused to add, You will find me downstairs if you want me. Selden roused himself to detain her. But why are you going? She would have wished.  No. This is what she would have wished. And as she spoke, a light broke through Selden's stony misery, and he saw deep into the hidden things of love. The door closed on Girdy, and he stood alone with the motionless sleeper on the bed. His impulse was to return to her side, to fall on his knees, and rest his throbbing head against the peaceful cheek on the pillow. They had never been at peace together, they too, and now he felt himself drawn downward into the strange, mysterious depths of her tranquility. But he remembered Girdy's warning words. He knew that, though time had ceased in this room, its feet were hastening relentlessly toward the door. Girdy had given him this supreme half-hour, and he must use it as she willed. He turned and looked about him, sternly compelling himself to regain his consciousness of outward things. There was very little furniture in the room. The shabby chest of drawers was spread with a lace cover, and set out with a few gold-topped boxes and bottles, a rose-coloured pincushion, a glass tray strewn with tortoise-shell hairpins. He shrank from the poignant intimacy of these trifles, and from the blank surface of the toilet-mirror above them. These were the only traces of luxury, of that clinging to the minute observance of personal seamliness, which showed what her other renunciations must have cost. There was no other token of her personality about the room, unless it showed itself in the scrupulous neatness of the scant articles of furniture, a washing-stand, two chairs, a small writing-desk, and a little table near the bed. On this table stood the empty bottle and glass, and from these also he averted his eyes. The desk was closed, but on its slanting lid lay two letters which he took up. One bore the address of a bank, and as it was stamped and sealed, seldom after a moment's hesitation laid it aside. On the other letter he read Gus Trenner's name, and the flap of the envelope was still ungummed. Temptation leapt on him like the stab of a knife. He staggered under it, steadying himself against the desk. Why had she been writing to Trenner? Writing presumably just after their parting on the previous evening. The thought unhallowed the memory of that last hour, made a mock of the word he had come to speak, and defiled even the reconciling silence upon which it fell.  After all, what did he know of her life? Only as much as she had chosen to show him, and measured by the world's estimate. How little that was. By what right, the letter in his hand seemed to ask, by what right was it he who now passed into her confidence through the gate which death had left on bard? His heart cried out that it was by right of their last hour together. The hour when she herself had placed the key in his hand. Yes. But what if the letter to Trenner had been written afterward? He put it from him with sudden loathing, and setting his lips addressed himself resolutely to what remained of his task. After all, that task would be easier to perform, now that his personal stake in it was annulled. He raised the lid of the desk, and saw within it a check-book and a few packets of bills and letters, arranged with the orderly precision which characterized all her personal habits. He looked for the letters first, because it was the most difficult part of the work. They proved to be few and unimportant, but among them he found, with a strange commotion of the heart, the note he had written her the day after the bride's entertainment. When may I come to you? His words overwhelmed him with the realization of the cowardice which had driven him from her at the very moment of attainment. Yes, he had always feared his fate, and he was too honest to disown his cowardice now, for had not all his old doubts started to life again at the mere sight of Trenner's name. He laid the note in his card case, folding it away carefully, as something made precious by the fact that she had held it so. Then growing once more aware of the lapse of time, he continued his examination of the papers. To his surprise, he found that all the bills were receded, there was not an unpaid account among them. He opened the cheque-book, and saw that, the very night before, a cheque of ten thousand dollars from Mrs. Peniston's executors had been entered in it. The legacy, then, had been paid sooner than Gertie had led him to expect. But turning another page or two, he discovered with astonishment that, in spite of this recent accession of funds, the balance had already declined to a few dollars. A rapid glance at the stubs of the last cheques, all of which bore the dates of the previous day, showed that between four or five hundred dollars of the legacy had been spent in the settlement of bills, while the remaining thousands were comprehended in one cheque, made out, at the same time, to Charles Augustus Trenner. Selden laid the book aside, and sank into the chair beside the desk. He leaned his elbows on it, and hid his face in his hands. The bitter waters of life surged high about him. Their sterile taste was on his lips. Did the cheque to Trenner explain the mystery, or deepen it? At first his mind refused to act. He felt only the taint of such a transaction between a man like Trenner, and a girl like Lily Bart. Then gradually his troubled vision cleared. Old hints and rumors came back to him, and out of the very insinuations he had feared to probe, he constructed an explanation of the mystery. It was true, then, that she had taken money from Trenner. But true also, as the contents of the little desk declared, that the obligation had been intolerable to her, and that at the first opportunity she had freed herself from it, though the act left her face to face with bare, unmitigated poverty. That was all he knew. All he could hope to unravel of the story. The mute lips on the pillow refused him more than this, unless indeed they had told him the rest and the kiss they had left upon his forehead. Yes, he could now read into that farewell all that his heart craved to find there. He could even draw from it courage not to accuse himself for having failed to reach the height of his opportunity. He saw that all the conditions of life had conspired to keep them apart, since his very detachment from the external influences which swayed her had increased his spiritual fastidiousness, and made it more difficult for him to live and love uncritically. But at least he had loved her, had been willing to stake his future on his faith in her, and if the moment had been faded to pass from them before they could seize it, he saw now that, for both, it had been saved whole out of the ruin of their lives. It was this moment of love, this fleeting victory over themselves, which had kept them from atrophy and extinction, which in her had reached out to him in every struggle against the influence of her surroundings, and in him had kept alive the faith that now drew him penitent and reconciled to her side. He knelt by the bed and bent over her, draining their last moment to its leaves, and in the silence there passed between them the word which made all clear. End of The House of Merth by Edith Wharton