Chapter 10 of Niels Clim's Journey Under the Ground. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by Alan Winterout. Chapter 10, The Voyage to the Firmament. Twice a year, some very large birds, called Krupaki, or postbirds, are want to show themselves on the planet Nazar. They come and go at certain regular periods, which has given rise to various opinions. Some think that insects, of which great multitudes appear at the same periods, and which the birds are very fond of eating, entice them down to the planet. This is my own notion. The circumstance that when these insects disappear, the birds return to the firmament, places the opinion almost beyond all doubt. It is the same instinct which leads certain species of bird on our earth to migrate at regular periods. Others believe that these birds are trained like hawks and other birds of prey to fetch booty from other lands. This conjecture is grounded upon the great care with which they lay down their burdens when their flight is finished. This supposition is somewhat strengthened by the fact that they become tame and gentle just before they begin their flight, suffering themselves to be thrown into nets under which they lie immovable. Meanwhile, they are fed with insects till the regular period arrives. Then a long box, just large enough to hold a tree or man, is fastened to a rope, which is again tied to the legs of the bird. On the banishment day, food is withheld from them, the nets are raised, and the kupakis wing their way to the firmament. Two citizens of Patu have been doomed to banishment with myself. One was a metaphysician who had offended the law by making some sage remarks upon the nature of spirits. The other was a fanatic who, by starting doubts concerning the holiness of religion and the uniting force of the civil law, was suspected to have designed the overthrow of both. This latter would not regulate himself by the public ordinances because, he said, all civil obedience was inconsistent with his conscience. Thus three of us, namely a project maker, a metaphysician, and a fanatic, were on the first day of the Birch month shut up in boxes. I never knew what became of my fellow sufferers. As for myself, I was enclosed with food sufficient for a few days. Shortly after, my kupaki, finding nothing to eat, started off with amazing speed. It is generally believed underground that the distance between the planet Nazar and the firmament is about 400 miles. I had no means of determining how long my passage was, but conjectured it to be about 24 hours. I heard nothing during this time, but the heavy and monotonous flapping of the kupakis wings. At last, there sounded in my ears a confounding noise, which announced that we could not be far from land. I now observed that the bird had really been trained, for he set the box with so much care on the ground that I did not feel the slightest jar. The box was immediately opened, and I rose up in the midst of a great multitude of monkeys, who, to my astonishment, conversed together in an intelligent language rather than chattered, and walked to and fro in measured and dignified paces. They were dressed in clothes of various colors. The number of them advanced toward me with much politeness and handed me from the box. They seemed to be surprised at my figure, particularly when they discovered I had no tail. Their amazement was not lessened by the fact that I resembled then, laying aside the tail, more nearly than did any stranger they had hitherto seen. At the time of my arrival, the water was very high owing to the nearness of Nazar. This planet has the same effect upon the tides of the firmament as our moon has upon those of the earth. I was led to a very large building ornamented in the richest style. The presence of a guard at the door convinced me that it was the residence of no common monkey. It was, as I afterwards learned, the residence of the mayor of the monkeys. A number of teachers were selected to instruct me in their language. In three months, I was enabled to speak with considerable readiness. Then I expected to procure for myself the admiration of all for my prompt ingenuity and superior memory. But my teachers declared me to be sluggish and dull of apprehension, and in their impatience, often threatened to abandon their charge.  These only are respected here who can comprehend and express anything instantaneously. I amused myself during the course of my studies by walking about the city, in which I met on all sides notable signs of splendor and luxury. When I had finished my education, that is, when I could speak fluently, I was carried to the capital city, Martinia, from which the whole country takes its name. The object of the mayor evidently was to insinuate himself into the favor of a certain counselor by presenting to him a strange and unprecedented animal. The government of Martinia is aristocratical. The state is administered by a great council selected from the body of the old nobility. Before proceeding to the house of the Lord, to whom I was to be offered, the mayor led me to a hotel where we could make ourselves presentable to his excellency. Several servants called Moscati, or dressers, joined us for this purpose. One took the mayor's sword to burnish it, another tied different colored beads to his tail. I will hear a mark that nothing lays nearer to a monkey's heart than the adornment of his tail. When my conductor was polished, dressed, and adorned, we departed for the president's palace, followed by three servants. On coming to the entrance, the mayor loosed his shoes that he might not soil the marble floor. After waiting for a long time, with not a little impatience, we were suffered to enter the reception hall. Here the president sat in a golden chair. As soon as he saw us, the president burst out in a terrific laugh. I concluded either that he was seized by delirium or that silly and insane laughter was a peculiarity of great people in Martina.  I afterwards expressed this opinion to the mayor, but he assured me that the president was a monkey of remarkable natural powers. That his mind was so comprehensive that he not only determined matters of the highest importance at table with his glass in hand, but then wrote or dictated a new statute between the courses. His excellency tattled to me half an hour, his tongue wagging the while with an agility immeasurably superior to that of our European barbers. Then turning to my companion, he said he would take me among his subordinate attendants since he perceived from my sluggish disposition that I must have been born in the land of stupidity where long-eared mortals in perpetual fogs off lose their way to mire and horrid bogs. And consequently, that I was unfit for any office of trust and respectability. I have indeed urged the mayor, observed a natural obtuse-ness in this man. Nevertheless, when he has allowed time to think, he judges by no means badly. Of what use is that? replied the president. Here we need nimble officers for the immense diversity of our affairs does not give us time to think. The president, having spoken thus, very gravely and carefully examined my body and directed me to lift a heavy weight from the floor. Seeing that I did this with ease, he remarked, Nature, although she has stented you in the faculties of the soul, has compensated in some measure by granting you a degree of bodily strength. I now received orders to go out and wait in the court. Soon after the mayor followed and as he passed told me that his excellency had determined to include me in his train. I concluded from his lordship's undervaluing opinion of me that my situation could not be very elevated. Still, I was curious to know my fate and therefore asked the mayor if he knew what I was to be entrusted with. The mayor answered, his excellency with special grace has appointed you for his chief porter with a yearly pay of 25 stercolatus. A stercolatou is about one dollar of our money. Furthermore, he will not require your services for anybody himself and her grace, his lady. This answer was like a thunder stroke to me, but I was sensible that it was useless to object. I was carried to a chamber where a supper of dried fruits was laid after eating a little my bed was pointed out to me. I threw myself upon the bed, but my mind was so agitated that I could not for a time close my eyes and sleep. The pride and contempt with which the monkeys regarded me provoked me almost to rage. A more than Spartan patience was needed to listen with indifference to their sneers. At last I slumbered. How long I know not, for in the firmament there is no division of night and day. It is never dark except at a certain period when the planet Nazar comes between the firmament and the subterranean sun. On awakening I found at my side a mean-looking monkey who asserted that he was my colleague. He had brought with him a false tail which he fixed upon me and then tied to it some ribbons of various colors. He told me that in half an hour the president would be ready to set out for the academy and that I must prepare myself to begin my duties. The ceremony of promoting a doctor was to take place. We bore the president to the academy in a golden sedan and were suffered to remain in the hall during the performance. At the entrance of the president all the doctors and masters of art rose and turned their tails towards him. To a dweller on the earth such salutations would probably have appeared unseemly and ridiculous as such a movement with us is expressive of indifference but every land has its own customs. I have seen so many strange ceremonies and varied usages that I have come to observe rather than laugh at them. The act of promotion on this occasion was performed with the following ceremonies. The candidate was placed in the middle of the hall. Then three officers each with a pail of cold water approached him with measured steps. Each in turn dashed his bucket of water in the candidate's face. The sufferer is obliged to receive this bath without distorting his countenance on pain of forfeiting his degree. Odor's oils were then sprinkled over him and finally a powerful vomit was given to him. When his last dose had produced its usual effect upon the candidate he was pronounced to be a lawfully graduated doctor. I turned to a learned doctor who stood near me and humbly asked him the meaning of all I had seen. First expressing his pity for my ignorance the sneering pedant condescended to inform me that the ceremony of the water was significant of the preparation for a new course of life and duty. The ointment of elevation above the mass and the vomit of the extermination of prejudice and error. I fancied but I did not say so that my dignified instructor in the mysteries needed a fresh vomit. The Martininic religion is not at all practical. There are 230 speculations concerning the form and being of God and 396 of the nature and qualities of the soul. There are many churches and theological seminaries but it neither is taught the way to live and die well. The people are all critics who go to be amused by the art and delicacy of the holy teachers. The more obscure and involved the propositions of their preachers the more they are praised. The Martinians are indifferent to everything they can easily understand. Martinia is the paradise of project makers. The more inconsistent and useless a scheme the sure it is of general approbation. When I once spoke with an enthusiastic monkey of the earth and its inhabitants he fell upon the notion to bore through to the surface and make a convenient and easy way of communication. He prepared a long and eloquently worded plan on the subject which pleased and excited everybody. A company was formed and named the Subterranean Boring Company. Its originator, Hiho Popcock, was made its president. The stock was seized on with avidity and the project was not abandoned until a multitude of families had been ruined and the public affairs brought into the greatest disorder and even then the scheme was dropped less from its supposed impracticability than from the length of time required to accomplish it. The author of it was not only left unpunished but was overwhelmed with a general applause for the originality and boldness of his attempt. The Martinians are used to console themselves on such occasions by repeating the following couplet. The project ended in defeat the notion was, however, neat. When I had thoroughly studied the character of this people I determined to take advantage of their weaknesses and by some outrageous proposal to gain their respect and thereby better my condition. I revealed my intention to a shrewd old monkey who encouraged me in these words. Who would succeed in Martinian act land must quit the useful to propose the grand hazard these deeds that to the gallows pave thy fortunes made here's honor for the nave. After due deliberation my choice became fixed upon that ornament for the head called wigs by us. I had previously noticed that the land contained a multitude of goats with the hair of these creatures I proposed to manufacture my wigs. My stepfather had been engaged in the trade and as I had with the inquisitiveness of youth observed the process I could mungle at it. I made a goat's hair wig for myself and adorned with it presented myself to the president. This dignitary was astonished at the new and uncommon decoration. He seized it from my head and placing it on his own hastened in a very undignified manner to the mirror. So enraptured was he at the sight of the pompous protuberance that he shrieked out the divine art how like a god am I. He sent immediately for her grace to partake in his joy. She was not less pleased than her lord. She embraced him, kissed him and assured him that she had never seen him more handsome. The president addressed himself to me with much less haughtiness than usual. Oh Kakadoran he exclaimed, if this discovery of yours pleases the council as well as it does me your fortune is made that we hope for the most honorable reward the state can give. I gracefully thanked his excellency and immediately wrote a petition which I requested him to lay before the council. His excellency took the petition together with the wig and departed. I understood that all the cases which were to come before the council on this day had been laid aside so inquisitive were all to hear and examine my project. The work was accepted and an appropriate reward was a judge to me. I was called up to the council chamber. On my entrance an old monkey stood up and after thanking me in the name of the whole republic demanded that my work should be rewarded as its merits deserved. He then demanded what length of time should I need to fabricate another head ornament. I replied that it was reward enough for me that my curious workmanship had gained the approbation of the great men who composed the council. At last I bound myself to make another wig in two days and also to manufacture wigs enough for the whole city in a month provided I might count upon the assistance of a number of monkeys accustomed to work. This proposal, however, made the president hot about the ears and he exclaimed with much eagerness it is not fit, my dear Kakadoran, that this ornament should be common to the whole town. For being worn by all without distinction it will become ordinary and vulgar. The nobility must necessarily be distinguished from the common people. All the members of the council concurred in his opinion and the city marshal was charged to take heed that none might wear wigs except the nobility. This order having been promulgated the citizens thronged about the council chamber to obtain titles and charters which some bought with their money and others procured through the influence of their friends so that in a short time full half the city were made nobles. But when petition after petition poured in from the provinces that the light favors should be extended to them the council being possessed with a righteous fear of riot and civil war finally determined to allow everyone without distinction of rank to wear a wig.  The whole nation made so much of my project and its accomplishment that a new era was established and from this time the wig age commenced in the Martinian act banals. In the meantime I was loaded with praises and panagyrics wrapped in a purple cloak and returned from the courthouse in the president's own sedan the same porteur who had formerly been my companion serving me now as a horse. From that day I dined continually at the table of his excellency. With this glittering preamble to my fortunes I commenced in earnest the work I had promised and soon finished wigs enough for the whole council and after sweating for a month a patent of nobility was brought to me couched in the following words in consideration of the most excellent and very useful discovery through which Cacodoren, born in Europe has made himself worthy of the gratitude of the whole Martinian act nation we have resolved to advance him to the rank of nobility so that he and all his descendants shall be regarded as true noblemen and enjoy all the prerogatives and rites of which the nobility of Martinia are in possession. Furthermore we have determined to dignify him with a new name. He shall therefore from this day be called Cacodoren, but Kikidorian. Moreover, since his new dignity requires a richer style of living we grant him a yearly pension of 200 peterer. Give it in the council chamber of Martinia the fourth day of the month myrion under the great seal of the council. Thus I suddenly became changed from a simple porter to a respectable noblemen and live for a long while in great splendor and honor. When it was known that I was high in the favor of the president everybody sought my goodwill and protection. It is the fashion among the poets of Martinia to panagirize the tales of imminent monkeys as it is with us to eulogize the beauty of women. Several poets commended the beauty of my tale although I had none. To say everything on this subject in a few words their fawning servility towards me was so extreme that a certain man of high rank and station did not hesitate nor did he feel himself shamed to promise me that his wife would make herself agreeable to me in every possible way provided that I would recompense him by recommending him to the president. When I had lived in this land for the space of two years at first a porter and laterally a noblemen an incident entirely unexpected occurred which was nearly fatal to me. I had up to this period been in special favor with his excellency and her grace the president's lady had event so much kindness to me that I was regarded the first among all her favorites. She was distinguished for her virtue but when in the lapse of time I perceived one after another ambiguity in her expressions I began to feel a kind of mistrust especially when I observed that sometimes she'd smile at wants and grace and suddenly sudden tears give place while gazing silent on my face with mild devotion. Hers all the art of tenderness that pleases while it wounds no less her breasts half covered now confess their strange emotion. Then sighs that can no reason find or use to make my reason blind her hands upon her breasts entwined a half female charms her face would lose its rosy cue for lilies washed in morning dew aurora's purple blazed anew in love's alarms. My suspicions finally became certainties when a chambermaid brought to me one day the following note dearest kikadorian the feeling which I owe to my rank and high descent and the modesty natural to my sex have until now hindered the sparks of love which have secretly burned in my bosom from breaking forth an open flame but I am weary of the combat and my heart can no longer resist its bewitching enemy have pity for a female from whom only the utmost degree of burning love could have been able to extort confession Tartensa I cannot describe how singularly I felt at this entirely unexpected declaration of love but as I held it far better to expose myself to the revenge of a furious female than to sin against the order of nature by a shameful intimacy by a creature that did not belong to my race I immediately wrote an answer in the following words Gracious lady the constant favor his excellency your husband has shown to me the undeserved benefits he has bestowed upon me the moral impossibility of fulfilling your gracious desires and many other reasons that I will not name move me to submit to the anger of my gracious lady rather than consent to an action that would stigmatize me as the most ungrateful and the lowest among all two-legged creatures besides what is desired of me would be more bitter to satisfy than death itself this action if I yielded to it would affect the ruin and dishonor of one of the most respected families in the state and my willingness would injure before all others that person who has desired it with the most solemn and sincere assurances of gratitude I must here declare gracious lady that under no circumstances can I fulfill your wishes in this respect although to all other commands I promise a blind obedience Kikadorian underneath I wrote the following admonition think of this heavy sin fly ere it be too late shall vice the pander newly in bow virtue to the gate let Cupid not ensnare you his cunning wiles beware you the sweets of sins who vanish its pains are who can banish this letter I sent to the lady and it had the effect I expected her loveless change to the bitterest hatred in vain her glowing tongue would vie to tell her frightful agony despairing shame her accents clip they freeze upon her snowy lip no tears did flow such pain off dries her blessed current of the eyes fell vengeance from her black orbs glanced while like a fury she advanced nevertheless she restrained her fury until she recovered the love letter she had written to me as soon as she had secured it she hired some persons to testify by oath that in the absence of his excellency I had attempted to violate her this fable is represented with so much art and speciousness that the president did not doubt its truth and I was ordered to be put in prison in this my despairing condition I saw no other means of deliverance than to confess the crime with which I had been charged and supplicate the president for mercy which being done my life was conceded but I was doomed to perpetual imprisonment my charter of nobility was immediately taken away from me and I was sent to the galleys as a slave my destination was to one of the ships belonging to the republic which then lay ready to sail for mesendares or the land of wonders thence were brought the wares that martinia cannot produce this ship on board of which my evil fortune had now cast me was propelled both by sails and oars at each oar two slaves were chained consequently I was attached to another unfortunate I was consoled however by the prospect of a voyage during which I hoped to find new food and nourishment for my insatiable inquisitiveness although I did not believe all that the semen told of the curious things I should see several interpreters accompanied us these being made use of by the mesendarek merchants in the course of their commercial negotiations endo chapter 10 recording by alan winteroud boomcoach.blogspot.com chapter 11 of neils climm's journey under the ground this liberivox recording is in the public domain recording by alan winteroud chapter 11 the voyage to the land of wonders before I proceed to the description of this sea voyage I must first caution all severe and unmerciful critics not to frown too much at the narration of things which seem to war against nature and even surpass the faculties of faith in the most credulous man I relate incredible but true things that I have seen with my own eyes raw and ignorant ninnies who have never started a foot from their homes regard everything as fable whose equal they have never heard of or seen or with which they have not been familiar from childhood learned people on the contrary especially those who have a deep knowledge of natural history and whose experience has proved to them how fruitful nature is and changes will pass a more reasonable sentence upon the uncommon things narrated in former days a people were found in sythia called Eramasps who had but one eye which was placed in the middle of the forehead another people under the same climate had their foot soles turned out backwards and in Albany were people born with grey hairs the ancient sandramates ate only on every third day and fasted the other two in Africa were certain families who could be witch others by their talk and it is a well known fact that there were certain persons in Nalyria with two eyeballs to each eye who killed people by merely looking at them this however they could do only when they were angry and their fierce and scintillating stare was fatal to whomever was rash or unfortunate enough to meet it on the mountains of Hindustan were to be found whole nations with dogs heads who barked and others who had eyes in their backs who had believed this and even more if Pliny one of the most earnest writers had not solemnly assured us that he had neither heard nor read the least hereof but had seen it all with his own eyes nevertheless who would have imagined that this earth was hollow that within its circumference were both a sun and moon if my own experience had not discovered the secret who would have thought it possible that there was a globe inhabited by walking sensible trees if the same experience had not placed it beyond all doubt nevertheless I will not pick a quarrel with anyone on account of his incredulity in this matter because I must confess that I myself made this voyage mistrusted whether these tales might not have arisen from the exaggerated representations of seamen or that they were the result of that well-known qualification of this class of men similarly styled the spinning yarn in the beginning of the month Radier we went on board our ship Wade anchor and the wind in swelling sails embraced the bending mass and like an arrow in the air with lightning speed the keel shrieked through the foaming billows the wind was fair for some days during which we poor rowers had a comfortable time for the oars were not needed but on the fourth day it fell calm the sails did fall in haste the seas were fixed with plashing stroke the oars smote heaven in the waters for a long time we met with nothing but as soon as we lost sight of land the figures raised themselves from the quaking gulf they were mermaids who when the weather becomes calm and the billows rest themselves rise to the surface and swim toward any passing ship to ask for alms their language was so similar to the martinian act that some of our sailors could speak with them without an interpreter one of these singular creatures demanded of me a piece of meat when I gave it to her she looked at me steadily for a time and said you will become a hero and rule over mighty nations I laughed at this divination for I considered it empty flattery although the sailors swore to it that the mermaids' predictions seldom failed at the end of eight days we came inside of land which the seamen called Picardinia as we entered the harbor a magpie came flying towards us which they said was the custom house inspector general when the dignitary had flown thrice around the ship he returned to the shore and came back with three other magpies these seated themselves on the prowl of the ship I came very near bursting with laughter when I saw one of our interpreters approach these magpies with many compliments and heard him hold a long conversation with them they had come for the purpose of examining our freight and detecting any forbidden articles that we might have concealed when all was found correct we were suffered to unload as soon as this was done a number of magpies flew to the ship who proved to be merchants the captain then went ashore accompanied by myself and two monkeys namely our supercargo and an interpreter after clearing the ship and disposing of the cargo we returned and shortly set sail in three days we reached music land after casting anchor we went on shore preceded by one of the interpreters who carried a base vial in his hand as we found the whole country about us empty and desolate discovering nowhere any trace of living creatures the captain ordered a trumpet to be sounded to inform the inhabitants of our arrival before the echoes of the blast from the trumpet had subsided and they seemed to penetrate farther and reverberate longer than usual from the perfect stillness of this apparently void region about 30 musical instruments came hopping towards us these were base vials on the very long neck of each was placed a little head the body was also small and covered by a smooth bark which however did not close entirely around the frame but was open in front and disposed loosely about them over the naval nature had built a bridge above which four strings were drawn the whole machine rested on a single leg so that their motion was a spring rather than a walk their activity was very great and they jumped with much agility over the field in short we should have taken them from musical instruments as their general appearance purported if they had not each had two arms and hands in the one hand was a bow the other was used upon the frets when our interpreter would converse with them he put his vial in its position and commenced playing an air they immediately answered him by touching their strings and thus alternating with each other a regular musical conversation was carried on at first they played only adagio with much harmony then they passed over to discordant tunes and finally concluded with a very pleasant and lively presto as soon as our people heard this they leaped and sung for joy saying that the bargain for the wares was now fixed afterwards I learned that the adagio they first played was merely an opening or preface to the conversations and consisted only of compliments that the discordant tones which followed were bickering and disputes about prices and finally that the sweet sounding presto indicated that an agreement had been made at the conclusion of these negotiations the wares stipulated for were landed the most important of these is colophonium with which the inhabitants rubbed their bows or organs of speech late in the month of kusan we set sail from musicland and after some day sailing hoeve in sight of a new land which on account of the foul smell that reached our noses at a great distance our seamen supposed to be pygelosia the inhabitants of this land are not very unlike the human race in their general appearance the sole difference being that these people have no mouth they speak from the face which turns towards the south when the nose points to the north the first of them who came on board was a rich merchant he saluted us after the custom of his nation by turning his back towards us and immediately began to bargain with us for our wares I kept myself considerably remote during their negotiation as neither the sound nor the smell of his speech pleased me to my great horror our barber was taken sick at this time so that I was obliged to summon a pygelosian perfume as the barbers here are quite as talkative as among us this one while shaving me filled the cabin with so disagreeable a smell that on his departure we were obliged to smoke with all the incense we had on board we sailed hence to Iceland this land consisted of desolate rocks covered by eternal snows the inhabitants who are all of ice live here and in the clefts of the rocks on the tops of the mountains where the sun is never seen enveloped by almost perpetual darkness and frost the only light they have comes from the shining rhyme these lands of which I here have given a view are all subject to the great emperor of Mezendora proper and are therefore called by seafaring people the Mezendoric Islands this great and wonderful country namely Mezendora is the goal of all extended voyages 8 days sail from Iceland brought us to the imperial residence there we found all that realized which our poets have fancied of the societies of the animals trees and plants Mezendora being so to speak the common fatherland of all sensible animals and plants in this empire each animal in every tree can obtain citizenship merely by submitting to the government and laws one would suppose that on account of the mixture of so many different creatures great confusion would prevail among them but this is far from the case on the contrary this very difference produces the most happy effect which must be attributed to their wise laws and institutions decreeing to each subject that office and employment to which his nature and special faculties are best fitted thus the lion the evolution of his natural magnanimity is always chosen regent the elephant on account of his keen judgment is called to sit in the state council couriers are made of chameleons because they are inconsistent and know how to temporize the army consists of bears tigers and other valorous animals in the marine service on the contrary are oxen and bulls semen being generally hardy and brave people but severe inflexible and not particularly delicate in their living which corresponds very well with their element there is a seminary for this class where calves or sea cadets are educated for sea officers trees for their natural discretion and gravity are usually appointed judges counselors are geese and the lawyers of the court in ordinary are magpies foxes are generally selected as ambassadors consuls, commercial agents and secretaries of legation the ravens are chosen for dealing masters and executors on the effects of those deceased the buck goats are philosophers and especially grammarians partly for the sake of their horns which they use on the slightest occasion to gore their opponents and partly in consideration of their reverend beards which so notably distinguish them from all other creatures the staid yet energetic horse has the suffrage for the mayoralty and other civil dignitaries estate owners and peasants are serpents, moles, rats and mice the ass on account of his brain voice is always the leader of the church choir treasurers, cashiers and inspectors are commonly wolves their clerks being hawks the roosters the cocks are appointed for watchmen and the dogs house porters the first to came to the court the first to came on board of us was a lean wolf or inspector the same as a customs house officer in Europe followed by four hawks, his clerks these took from our wares what pleased them best proving to us thereby that they understood their business perfectly and had all his appropriate tricks at their fingers end the captain took me ashore with him as soon as we had set foot on the quay a cock came towards us demanding wince we were the nature of our cargo and announced us to the inspector general this latter received us with much courtesy and invited us to dine with him the mistress of the house whom I had heard to be one of the greatest beauties among the female wolves was not present at the table the reason of this was as we afterwards learned her husband's jealousy who did not deem it advisable to be seen by strangers there were however several ladies at table among others a certain commodore's wife a white cow with black spots next to her sat a black cat wife that a master of hunt at court newly arrived from the country at my side was placed a speckled sow the lady of a renovation inspector that species of officership being generally taken from the hog race it must be observed that the inhabitants of the mesendoric empire although they are animals and figure have hands and fingers on their forefeet after dinner the speckled sow entered into conversation with our interpreter during which she told him that she was overhead and ears in love with me he comforted her in the best manner he could and promised her his support and aid then he turned himself towards me and endeavored to persuade me to be easy and he observed that his flattering and arguments were in vain he advised me to take to flight as he knew that this lady would move heaven and earth to satisfy her desires from this time I remained constantly on board but the ship itself was not a fortification sufficiently secure from the attacks of this lady who by messengers and love letters strove to melt the ice that surrounded my heart had I not in the shipwreck I afterwards suffered lost my papers and should now give some specimens of the swine's poetry I have forgotten it all except the following lines in which she praises her being thus O thou for whom my two fond soul most ardently doth thirst for whom my earliest passion in retirement I have nursed think not my figure homely though it be endued in bristles what beauty hath the leafless tree through which the cold wind whistles how unadorned the noble horse when all of his beautiful mane he shorn O who would love a purring cat all in her furlessness forlorn I'll look around my darling pig look on all living things from the huge unwieldy mammoth to the smallest bird that sings were these not shagged or feathered all how loudly should we jeer who would warmly strive to please in man where man without a beard after our truck was finished and a rich freight stowed away we sailed for home we had scarcely got into the open sea when it suddenly became calm but soon after the winds breezed up having sailed a while with a good wind we saw again some mermaids who dripping wet shot forth and dived between the foaming waves and now on then emitted horrible shrieks the sailors were much terrified at this for they knew by experience that these mournful sounds were presages of storm and wreck they had scarcely taken in the sails before the whole heavens became veiled in black clouds day sinks in night all nature shutters then in an instant loose from every point the storm and frightful gusts and devilish uproar breaks the axis of the globe grates fearful and thunders clap on clap resound the concave maddened tower to mountains wildly gone or helm the half crushed craft tumbles ungovernable now despairing shrieks mingling with oceans roar in crash of heaven rise from the people deck tis finished every movable thing on deck floated off for besides the ever rolling billows and immense rain fell in terrific waterspouts accompanied by thunder and lightning it seemed as though all the elements had conspired for our destruction during the rolling of the ship our mass were carried away and then all hope of salvation was gone now and then a huge billow rolled over us and carried with it one or two men far beyond the ship the storm raged more and more no one cared longer for the vessel without helm, without mast without captain and mates who had been washed overboard direct lay at the pleasure of the waves having floated thus for three days a bobble for the storm we finally described a mountainous land in the distance while rejoicing in the hope of soon reaching this haven our vessel struck so hard against a blind rock that she was instantly dashed in pieces in the confusion and terror of the moment I got hold of a plank and careless for the rest thought only of saving myself so that even now I know nothing of the fate of my companions I was quickly driven forth by the billows and this was fortunate for me for otherwise I should have been crushed among the timbers of the ship or torn in pieces by the jagged rocks upon which we had been cast or escaping this should eventually have perished from hunger and fatigue I was wafted by the waves within a cape where the sea was calmer and where the roaring of an excited ocean sounded less frightfully when I saw that I was near the shore I began to scream vigorously hoping to call the inhabitants to my assistance I soon heard a sound on the seashore and saw some of the natives come from a wood nearby they got into a yaw and sailed towards me this boat being curiously fashioned of osier and oak branches twisted together I concluded that this people must be very wild and uncultivated I was heartily glad when I found them to be men for they were the first human beings I had met during the whole voyage they are very like the inhabitants of our globe who live in hot climates their beards are black and their hair curled the few among them who have long and light hair are considered monsters the land which they inhabit is very rocky from the curved ridges of the rocks and the connecting tops of the mountains which cut the air in multiplied sinuosities every sound reverberates an echo upon echo from the dales below the people in the yaw approached the plank on which I floated drew me from it carried me to the shore and gave me to eat and drink although the food did not taste very good yet as I had fasted for three days it refreshed me very much and in a short time I regained my former strength End of Chapter 11 Recording by Alan Winteroud boomcoach.blogspot.com Chapter 12 of Niels Clem's journey under the ground this LibriVox recording is in the public domain Recording by Alan Winteroud Chapter 12 the authors arrival in Kwama Meanwhile a large multitude of people collected around me from all parts they requested me to speak but as I did not understand their language I could not answer them they repeated often the word dank dank and supposing them to be Germans I addressed them in this language then in Danish and finally in Latin but they signified to me by shaking their heads that these languages were unknown to them I tried at last to declare myself in the subterranean tongues namely in Nazarik and Martinianak but it was in vain after having addressed each other thus incomprehensibly for a long time I was carried to a small hut formed of wickers intricately twisted in this hut were neither chairs nor tables these people seat themselves on the ground to eat instead of beds they spread strong on the earthly floor upon which they throw themselves indiscriminately at night their food is milk cheese, barley bread and meat which they rudely broil on the coals for they do not understand cooking thus I lived with them like a dog until I learned so much of their language that I could speak with them and assist them a little in their ignorance the simplest rules of living that I prepared for them were considered as divine commands my fame soon spread abroad and all the villages around sent forth crowds to a teacher who they believed had been sent to them from heaven I heard even that some had commenced a new chronology from the date of my arrival all this pleased me only so much the more as formerly in Nazare I had been abused for my imprudence and wavering judgment and in martinia despised in commiserator for my ignorance true indeed is the old proverb that among the blind the one eyed rules I had now come to a land where with little understanding was the highest dignities there were here the best opportunities to employ my talents since this fruitful land produced in abundance whatever subserved for pleasure and luxury as well as usefulness and comfort the inhabitants were not in docile nor were they wanting in conception but since they had been blessed with no light without themselves they groped in the thickest darkness when I told them of my birth my native land my native land of the shipwreck I had suffered and of other occurrences in my voyages not one would credit me they thought rather that I was an inhabitant of the sun and had come down to enlighten them wherefore they called me that is the sun's ambassador for their religion they believed in and acknowledged the god but cared not at all to prove his existence they thought it enough for them their forefathers had believed the same and this blind submission to time honored formula was their simple and sole theology of the moral law they were ignorant of all commandments save these do not unto others that which you would not have others do unto you they had no laws the will of the emperor was their only rule of chronology they had but a slight conception their years were determined by the eclipses of the sun by nasir's intervention where one asked his age he would answer that he had attained so many eclipses their knowledge of natural science too was very unsatisfactory and unreasonable they believed the sun to be a plate of gold and the planet nasir achieves their property consisted in hogs which after marking they drove into the woods the wealth of each was determined by the power of his swine I applied myself with all the fervor imaginable to refine and enlighten this rude yet promising people so that shortly I came to be regarded among them as a saint their trust in my wisdom was so great that they thought nothing impossible with me therefore when overtaken by misfortune they would hasten to my hut and pray for my assistance once I found a peasant on his knees before my door weeping and bitterly complaining over the unfruitfulness of his trees and beseeching me to use my authority that his trees should bear fruit to him abundantly as of old I had heard that this whole country was governed by a regent whose residence or palace at that time was about eight days travel from the town where I lived I say at that time because the court dwelt not in substantial fixed houses but in tents and the residence was moved at pleasure from one province to another the ruler at that period was an old man named Kazba which signifies the great emperor in consideration of its many large provinces this country was indeed a great empire but from the ignorance of the inhabitants who made little use of their many natural advantages and also from the absence of that unanimity among the provinces which would have dignified and strengthened their councils and subserved for their mutual protection they were exposed to the attacks of mockeries of their more vigorous neighbors and not unfrequently obliged to pay tribute to nations much inferior to themselves the report of my name and power was spread in a short time even to the remotest provinces nothing could be done without consulting me as an oracle and when any undertaking miscarried its failure was ascribed to my indifference or indignation wherefore, oblations were frequently made to assuage my anger finally the rumor was carried to the ears of the old emperor that a great man had come into his dominions in a strange dress who gave himself out as ambassador of the sun and had proved himself more than man by bestowing to the Kwamites thus the inhabitants were called after the name of the land Kwama wise and almost divine rules of life he therefore sent ambassadors with order to invite me to the imperial residence these were thirty in number all clothed in tiger skins this dress being considered in Kwama the greatest of ornaments since none were permitted to wear it but those who had distinguished themselves in war against the tonic whites a nation of sensible tigers and the mortal enemies of the Kwamites I had built in the town where I dwelt a walled house after the European style at the sight of it the imperial ambassadors were astonished and exclaimed that it was a work beyond human powers they entered it as a sanctuary with devout reverence and there proclaimed to me the emperor's invitation in the following speech since the great emperor our most gracious lord reckons his genealogy through generations from a spunko the son to son the primary region of Kwama nothing could surprise him more agreeably than this embassy wherefore his majesty joyfully greets the ambassador of the son and humbly invites him to the capital city of the empire I answered by expressing my most humble thanks for the emperor's condescension and immediately repaired with the ambassadors to the capital these lords had been fourteen days on their journey to me but assisted by my genius the return occupied only four days I had observed during my residence in this country that there were vast numbers of horses running wild in the woods and hence rather burdensome than useful to the inhabitants I showed to the people how beneficial these animals might be made to them and taught them how to tame these noble creatures and my suggestion by my direction a number of them were caught and broken in and thus I was enabled to mount the ambassadors and materially shorten the period of our journey no idea can be formed of the wonder and astonishment with which the Kwamites witnessed our entry into the city some were so frightened that they ran far into the country the emperor himself dared not in his fear to come out from his tent nor would he stir until one of the ambassadors dismounting his horse went in and explained the whole secret to him shortly I was with a great retinue led into the imperial tent the old emperor was seated on a carpet surrounded by his courtiers on my entrance I acknowledged in the most polite terms the exceeding grace his imperial majesty had shown me there upon the emperor arose and asked me what the king of the son and father of his family proposed to do conceiving it politic and even necessary not to un-deceive the Kwamites in the opinion that they themselves first entertained I answered that his majesty the king of the son had sent me down to this land to refine by good laws and salutary rules of life the uncultivated manners of the Kwamites and teach them the arts through which they might not only resist and repel their valiant and energetic neighbors but even extend the boundaries of their own empire and added that I had been ordered to remain with him forever the emperor listened to this speech with much apparent pleasure ordered a tent to be immediately raised for me near his own gave me fifteen servants and treated me less as a subject than as an intimate friend End of Chapter 12 Recording by Alan Winterout Teamcoach.blogspot.com Chapter 13 of Neils Clem's journey under the ground This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Recording by Alan Winterout Chapter 13 The Beginning of the Fifth Monarchy From this time all my exertions were directed to the accomplishment of a radical reform throughout the country I commenced by improving their mode of warfare in exercising the young men in riding fencing and shooting My constant labor was rewarded so well that in a short time I exhibited before the emperor 6,000 horsemen At this period the Tanaquites were preparing for a new attack upon the Kwamites on account of the refusal of this latter people to pay a yearly tribute which had been several times demanded and is often denied I went at the emperor's desire with my cavalry and some footmen to meet the invaders To the infantry I gave javelins and arrows that they might fight their enemies at a distance for the Kwamites had formerly used only short swords or poignards and consequently were obliged to meet in close combat their frightful foes, the Tanaquites who excelling them greatly in personal strength over them Hearing that the enemy were approaching the boundary as commander in chief I repaired instantly towards them on meeting the invaders I caused the footmen to attack them with their javelins this put them into panic in flight and determined the fate of the day The enemies suffered a terrible defeat and the Tanaquitic leader with 20 other noble tigers were taken prisoners alive and carried in triumph to Kwama It is not possible to describe the general and tumultuous joy that filled the whole country for this glorious victory Because in former years the Kwamites had generally been obliged to lay down their arms The emperor commanded the prisoners to be immediately executed according to old custom But considering this a horrible custom I persuaded him to respite them and put them in prison for further deliberation I had observed that this land was very rich in saltpeter and had collected a considerable quantity for the purpose of making powder This intention I had kept secret however from all except the emperor whose permission I needed to establish manufactures for rifles and other guns With the aid of these I hoped in a short time to subdue all the enemies of the empire When I had finished some hundred rifles and prepared balls suitable for them I made a trial of my project to the astonishment of all A certain number of soldiers were selected to learn this military art and were exercised in the management of the guns When this body of soldiers had become accustomed to the use of these new engines of war and could employ them effectively a review was held after which the emperor proclaimed me Jackal, that is Generalissimo over the whole army While all these matters were pending I had entered into an intimate friendship with the brave leader of the tonic whites the imprisoned Tomapolico with whom I held frequent and interesting conversations with the object of learning the constitution character and customs of his nation I could not but observe to my great astonishment that they were a witty moral and enlightened people and that the sciences were earnestly and effectively cultivated by them The chief told me that toward the east were a valorous people against whose attacks the tonic whites were obliged to keep themselves always prepared The inhabitants of that country he added were small and in reality much inferior in bodily strength to those of the tanaquees but being of superior acuteness and agility and excellent bowmen they had in fact often forced the tonic whites to sue for peace I soon came to know that this formidable nation consisted of cats and that they had distinguished themselves among all the nations under the firmament for their rational judgment and political acumen It provoked in pain to me not a little that skillfulness, the sciences and polite manners should be universally among the animals of the subterranean world while only real human beings namely the kwamites were sunk to the profoundest depths of barbarism I consoled myself however in the hope that through my endeavors this shame would soon cease and the kwamites would recover that dominion which belonged to them as men over all the animals Since their last defeat the tonic whites kept very quiet for a long time but when they found out the nature and condition of our cavalry when they discovered that these centaurs who had frightened them so terribly at first were nothing in reality but tamed horses with men seated upon them They took courage and armed new troops against the kwamites under the command of their king Their whole army consisted of 20,000 tigers, all veteran soldiers heroes of many hard fought fields except two regiments of new recruits These hastily collected warriors were however more formidable in name and numbers than in service Already sure of victory they fell at once upon kwama I immediately ordered against them 12,000 infantry among whom were 600 musketeers and 4,000 horsemen As I had not the slightest doubt of a fortunate termination to this expedition I requested the emperor to take command of it and thus reap the honor of the victory By this appearance of modesty I lost no respect for the whole army still considered me the true leader I first directed my cavalry against the enemy but these were resisted with so much vigor that the side of victory was for a long time doubtful At the critical moment when triumph was vacillating between the two powers I detached my musketeers from the main body and advanced upon the foe The Tanaquites were much astonished at the first shots for they could not conceive whence came the thunder and lightning and they saw the mournful effects of our continued volleys that became terrified At the first discharge fell about 200 tigers among which were two chaplains who were shot down while encouraging the soldiers to bravery When I observed the panic among the enemy I commanded a second discharge whose results were more fatal than the former Their king himself was shot then the Tanaquites took the flight Our cavalry followed them There were so many of the flying multitude that those in the rear could not proceed from the huge piles of slain that covered the way When the battle was over we counted the killed of the enemy and found them to be 13,000 Our own loss was comparatively very slight The victorious army marched into the kingdom of Tanaqui and encamped before its capital The general terror had meanwhile increased so much that the magistrates submissively met the conquerors and delivered the keys of the city The capital surrendering the whole country soon followed its example The disregard and contempt in which the Quamites had to this time been held were changed to admiration and fear The empire with the addition of the newly conquered kingdom was extended to twice its former size The glory of these actions was with one voice ascribed to my superior knowledge of the acquiring industry and the esteem which had been long cherished for me now passed over to a reverent and divine worship This period of general peace and exultation I thought a fitting time to advance the civilization and refinement of the Quamites and as a practical commencement to this great work I ordered the Royal Tanaquitic Library to be moved to Quama My curiosity to become acquainted with this library had been at first excited by the imprisoned leader Tomapolico who told me that among its manuscripts was one whose author had been up to our globe in which history of his travels he had described several of its kingdoms particularly those of Europe The Tanaquites had seized this manuscript during one of their predatory excursions into a distant land but as the author had concealed his name they knew not what countryman he was but how manner he had passed up through the ground The quaint title of this book was Tannien's Travels Above Ground Being a description of the kingdoms and countries there, especially those of Europe From the antiquity of this work together with its great popularity it had become so ragged that what I was most anxious to learn namely the narration of the author's journey to our earth and his return was most unfortunately lost Here is the contents of this singular manuscript such as I found it Fragments of Tannien's Diary kept on a voyage above ground translated by his excellency Monsieur Tomapolico General-in-Chief in the service of his Tanaquitic Majesty This land, Germany was called the Roman Empire but it has been an empty title since the Roman monarchy was demolished several centuries since The language of this land is not easy to understand on account of its perverted style For what in other languages is placed before and this comes after so that the meaning cannot be had before a whole page is read through The form of government is very inconsistent Some think they have a regent and yet have none It should be an empire yet it is divided into several duchies each of which has its own government and often engages in a formal war with its neighbor The whole land is called Holy though there is not to be found in it the least trace of piety The regent, or more correctly the unregent who bears the name of emperor is denominated the continual augmenter of his country although he not seldom diminishes it Invincible notwithstanding he is often slain sometimes by the French sometimes by the Turks One has no less reason to wonder at the people's rights and liberties but although they have many rights they are forbidden to use them innumerable commentaries have been written upon the German constitution but notwithstanding this they have made no advance because the capital of this country France is called Paris and is very large and may in a certain degree be considered the capital of all Europe for it exercises a peculiar law-giving power over the whole continent It has for example the exclusive right to prescribe the universal mode of dress and living and no style of dress however inconvenient or ridiculous may be controverted after the Parisians have once established it How or when they obtain this prescriptive right is unknown to me I observed however that this dominion did not extend to other things for the other nations often make war with the French and not seldom force them to sue for peace on very hard terms but subservience in dress and living nevertheless continues in quickness of judgment inquisitiveness after news and fruitfulness of discovery the French are very much like the Martinians From Bologna we went to Rome this latter city is governed by a priest who is held to be the mightiest of the kings and rulers of Europe although his possessions may be traveled through in one day beyond all other regents who only have supremacy over their subjects, lives and goods he can govern souls the Europeans generally believe that this priest has in his possession the keys of heaven I was very curious to see these keys but all my endeavors were in vain his power not only over his own subjects but over human race consists principally in that he can absolve those whom God condemns and condemn those who God absolves an immense authority which the inhabitants of our subterranean world seriously believe is not becoming to any mortal man but it is an easy matter to induce the Europeans to credit the most unreasonable assertions and submit to the most high-handed assumptions notwithstanding they consider themselves enlightened and puffed up with their own foolish conceits look contemptuously upon all other nations whom they call barbarous I will not by any means defend our subterranean manners and inquisitions my purpose simply is to examine those of the Europeans and to show how little claim these people have to find fault with other nations it is customary in some parts of Europe to powder the hair and clothes with ground and sifted corn the same which nature has produced for the nourishment of man this flower is called hair powder it is combed out with great care at night preparatory to a fresh sprinkling in the morning there is another custom with them which did not appear less ridiculous to me they have certain coverings for the head called hats made ostensibly to protect the head from the weather but which instead of being used for this very reasonable purpose are generally worn under the arm even in the winter this seemed as foolish to me as with the instance of one walking through the city with his cloak or breeches in his hand thus exposing his body which these should cover to the severity of the weather the doctrines of European religion are excellent and consistent with sound reason in their books of moral law they are commanded to read the Christian precepts often to search into their true meaning and are advised to be indulgent with the weak and airing nevertheless, should any understand one or another doctrine of these books in any but the established sense they would be imprisoned lashed, yes, and even burned for their want of judgment this seemed to me the same case as if one should be punished for a blemish incite through which you saw that object square which others believed to be round I was told that some thousand people had been executed by hanging or burning for their originality of thought in most cities and villages are to be found certain persons standing in high places who animadvert severely upon the sins of others which they themselves commit daily this seemed to me as sensible as the preaching of temperance by a drunkard in the larger towns it is almost generally the fashion to invite one's guests immediately after meals to and by a kind of sup made from burnt beans which they call coffee to the places where this is drunk they are drawn in a great box on four wheels by two very strong animals for the higher classes of European hold it to be very indecent to move about on their feet on the first day of the year the Europeans are attacked by a certain disease which we subterranean know nothing of the symptoms of this malady are a peculiar disturbance of the mind and agitation of the head its effects are that none can remain on that day five minutes in one place they run furiously from one house to another with no appreciable reason this disease continues with many even fourteen days until at last they become weary of their eternal gadding check themselves and regain their former health in France Italy and Spain people lose their reason for some weeks in the winter season this delirium is moderated by strewing ashes on the forehead of the sufferers in the northern parts of Europe to which this disease sometimes extends and where the ashes have no power nature is left to work to cure it is the custom with most Europeans to enter into a solemn compact with God in the presence of witnesses three or four times a year to variably and immediately break this compact is called communion and seems to have been established only to show that the Europeans are used to break their promises several times each year they confess their sins and implore the mercy of God in certain melodies accompanied by instrumental music as the magnitude of their sins increases their music becomes louder thus flutors, trumpeters and drummers are favorite helpers of the Christian tradition almost all the nations of Europe are obliged to acknowledge and believe in the doctrines which are contained in a certain holy book at the south the reading of this book is entirely forbidden so that the people are forced to credit what they dare not read in these same regions it is likewise austerely forbidden to worship God except in a language incomprehensible to the people pleasing to God which are uttered from memory without comprehension the learned controversies which occupy the European academies consist in the discussion of matters the development of which is productive of no benefit and in the examination of phenomena the nature of which is beyond the reach of the human mind the most serious study of a European scholar is the consideration of a pair of old boots with glasses and gowns of a race long extinct of the sciences both worldly and divine none judge for themselves but subscribe blindly to the opinions of a few the decisions of these when once established they cling to like oysters to the rocks they select a few from their number who they call wise and credit them implicitly now there will be nothing to object against this could raw and ignorant people in this case but to decide concerning wisdom requires me think a certain degree of sapience in the judge in the southern countries certain cakes are carried about which the priests set up for gods the most curious part of this matter is the bakers themselves while the dough yet cleaves to their fingers will swear that these cakes have created heaven and earth the English prefer their liberty to all else and are not slaves to their wives today they reject that religion which yesterday they professed I ascribe this thickness to the situation of their country they are islanders and seamen and probably become affected by the variable element that surrounds them they inquire very often after each other's health so that one would suppose them to be all doctors but the question how do you do is merely a form of speech a sound without the slightest towards the north is a republic consisting of seven provinces these are called united notwithstanding there is not to be found the least trace of union among them the mob boast of their power and insist upon their right to dispose of state affairs but nowhere is the commonality more excluded from such matters the whole government being in the hands of some few families the inhabitants of this republic heap up great riches with anxious and unwearied vigilance which however they do not enjoy their purses are always full their stomachs always empty one would almost believe they lived on smoke which they continually suck through tubes or pipes made of clay it must nevertheless be confessed that these people surpass all others in cleanliness for they wash everything but their hands every land has its own laws and customs which are usually opposed to each other for example by law the wife is subject to the husband by custom the husband is ruled by the wife in Europe the superfluous members of society only are respected these defour not only the fruits of the land but the land itself the cultivators of the soil who feed these gorges are degraded for their industry and despised for their usefulness the prevalence of vice and crime in Europe may perhaps be fairly inferred from the great number of gallows and scaffolds to be seen everywhere each town has its own executioner I must for justice's sake clear England from this stigma I believe there are no public murderers in that country the inhabitants hang themselves I have a kind of suspicion of the Europeans are cannibals for they shut large flocks of healthful and strong persons in certain enclosures called cloisters for the purpose of making them fat and smooth this object seldom fails as these prisoners free from all labour and care have nothing to do but enjoy themselves in these gardens of pleasure Europeans commonly drink water in the morning to cool their stomachs this object accomplished they drink brandy to heat them up again in Europe are two principal sects in religion the Roman Catholic and the Protestant the Protestants worship but one God the Catholic several each city and village with these has its appropriate God or goddess all these deities are created by the Pope or superior priest at Rome who on his part is chosen by certain other priests called cardinals the mighty power of these creators of the creator of the gods does not as it would seem to an spectator apparently alarm the people the ancient inhabitants of Italy subdued the whole world and obeyed their wives the present on the contrary abused their wives and submit to the whole world the Europeans generally feed upon the same victuals with the subterranean the Spaniards alone live on the air commerce flourishes here or there many things are offered for sale in Europe which with us are never objects of trade thus in Rome people sell heaven in Switzerland themselves and in unreadable the crown scepter and throne are offered at public auction in Spain idleness is the true mark of a well-bred man and the distinguishing proof of pure nobility is an aptitude to sleep among European writers those are in the highest repute who change the natural order of words making that which is in itself simple and distinct intricate and incomprehensible the class most noted for this abominable perversion of style is that of the poets this singular removal of words is called poetry the capability to puzzle is by no means the only requisite to become a true poet one must be able to lie most terribly a certain old poet named Homerus the fact that both these qualities in an imminent degree is styled the master and is idolized with a kind of divine worship he has had many imitators of his distortion of sentences and falsification of truth but it is said none have yet reached his excellence the cultivators of science purchase books in great quantities not so much I am told for the sake of the contents but for the antiqueness of style or elegance of binding the learned and unlearned are distinguished from each other by different dresses and manners but especially by different religions the latter believe mostly in one god the former worship many divinities both male and female among the principle of these are Apollo, Minerva, and Nine Muses besides many lesser whole and half gods the poets particularly implore their aid and hail them as they take a notion to rage the learned are divided according to their different studies into the classes of philosophers poets, grammarians natural philosophers metaphysicians, etc a philosopher is a scientific tradesman one who for a certain price sells prescriptions of self-denial, temperance, and poverty he generally preaches the pains of wealth till he becomes rich himself when he abandons the world for a comfortable and dignified retreat the father of the philosophers Seneca is said to have collected royal wealth a poet is one who makes a great stir with printed prattle, falsehood, and fury madness is the characteristic of the true poet all those who express themselves with clearness, precision, and simplicity are deemed unworthy of the laurel wreath the grammarians are a sort of military body who disturb the public peace they are distinguished from all other warriors by dress and weapons they wear black instead of colored uniforms and wield pins rather than swords they fight with as much obstinacy for letters and words as do the others for liberty in fatherland a natural philosopher is one who searches into the bowels of the earth studies in nature of animals, worms, and insects and in a word is familiar with everything but himself a metaphysician is a sort of philosopher partly visionary and partly skeptical who sees what is concealed from all others he describes the being and unfolds the nature of souls and spirits and knows both what is and what is not from the acuteness of his sight the metaphysician cannot discern what lies directly before his feet I have thus briefly considered the condition of the learned republic in Europe I could relate many other things but I think I have given the reader a sufficient test by which he may judge how far the Europeans have a right to hold themselves preeminent for wisdom the people above ground are exceedingly pious and extraordinarily zealous in praying their prayers however do not arise from the impulses or emotions of their hearts but are subdued to mere matters of form directed by bells, clocks, or sundials their devotion is entirely mechanical founded on external signs and old customs rather than in sincere feeling when I came to Italy I fancied myself master over the whole country for everyone called himself my slave I took a notion to test the extent of this humble obedience and commanded my landlord to lend me his wife for a night he became very angry however at this and ordered me out of the house in the north there are many people who seek with great pains to obtain titles of offices which they do not hold and many lose their reason in their eagerness to be on the right side furthermore here I lost my patience in flame to the utmost fury I threw the book on the ground and assured Tomapolico who was by me that it was the fiction of an unjust and caloric writer when my first passion was cooled I reviewed my sense and finally concluded that the author of these travels although unfair and untrue in many particulars had nevertheless made some good points and happy reflections I will now return to civil affairs all our neighbors had kept very quiet for a long period and during this piece I made every effort to constitute the government according to my own notions and strengthen the army in numbers and efficiency suddenly we received information that three warlike and formidable nations namely the Arctonians Kispas and Anianians and Alectorians had united against the Kwamites the first name were bears gifted with reason and speech the Kispas and Anianians were a nation of large cats celebrated for their cunning and ferocity the Alectorians were cocks armed with bows and arrows these arrows with poison tips were cast with wonderful precision and their least touch was fatal these three nations have been irritated by the uncommon progress of the Kwamites as well as by the fall of the Taniquites the Allied Powers sent ambassadors to Kwama to demand the liberty of the imprisoned Taniquitans and the session of their land with power to declare war should the same be denied by my advice they were immediately dismissed with the following answer since the Taniquitans violators of peace and alliance have deserved the misery which they have brought upon themselves by their own folly and pride his majesty the emperor is determined to defend to the utmost the possessions of a land conquered in a lawful war despite of the threats and fearless of the strength of your unnatural alliance in short time I had an army of 40,000 men ready for the coming war among these were 8,000 horsemen and 2,000 riflemen the emperor old as he was determined to follow this campaign his eagerness ambition was so great that neither his wise representations nor mine were effective enough to induce him to abandon his intention in this state of affairs I was made somewhat uneasy from mistrust of the Taniquitans I feared that impatient of their unaccustomed slavery they would take the first opportunity to throw off their yoke and go over to the enemy I did not deceive myself for immediately after the declaration of war we heard that full of 12,000 Taniquitans in complete armor had marched for the enemies encampments thus we were occupied at once with four mighty foes in the beginning of the month Killian we commenced our march from a spy we learned that the united troops were already besieging the fort seabull in Taniquit on the borders of Kispe Sweeniania on our arrival before the place they abandoned the siege and prepared to meet us the battle took place in a day near the fort and is to this day called the Sebalic battle the Arctonians who formed their left wing made great havoc among our cavalry and supported by the rebellious Taniquites fell furiously on our right a moment longer and the fate of the conflict would have been determined I detached a body of riflemen to engage the attention of the enemy and allow the cavalry to recover this movement was very effective the men handle their guns well and the enemy hastily abandoned their ground under a terrific shower of balls meanwhile the Kispe Sweenianians on the other side pressed our infantry very hard 600 Kwamites were down some killed others mortally wounded the recovered cavalry now rushed upon them impetuously broke their ranks and unresisted slaughtered them by thousands the Electorians who formed the reserve caused us the greatest trouble for when our soldiers would attack them they flew into the air whence they shot on our heads their poison arrows one of these entered the neck of the old emperor while fighting vigorously in the midst of the field he fell directly from his horse was carried to his tent and shortly after expired the soldiers having been kept in ignorance of their sovereign's death the battle was continued until midnight I soon found that our balls would effect upon our flying enemies their motions being so rapid that our gunners could take no aim some new method must be devised to check them a lucky expedient occurred to me I ordered the guns to be loaded with small shot these scattering brought them down in great flocks and soon half of them were destroyed the rest laid down their weapons and surrendered the Arctonians and Kispe Sweenianians quickly followed their example and their fortifications were surrendered to our hands when all these things were fortunately brought to an end behold then I called together the first among the people, the eldest the heads of all the troops to counsel in full assembly like the bubbling oceans high-roaring billows they all did stream to me and silently hear my speech noble brave and celebrated warriors I doubt not that it is well known to the most of you that I oft times advised His Majesty not to hazard his precious life in this desperate strife but his natural courage and fearless heroism would not suffer him to remain at home while his brave people exposed themselves abroad oh that he could have witnessed our glorious victory then our entrance into the imperial residence would have been a true triumph and our joy over so many noble deeds would have been perfect not as now mingled with tormenting sorrow I could no longer conceal from you the mournful event which has given each one of us a greater wound than could all the arrows of the enemy know then that our emperor in the thickest of the battle was struck by an unfortunate arrow and soon after expired horrible event what sorrow, what general mourning will the loss of this great king cause over the whole country whose courage the great hero has ceased to live in himself but he is not dead to you your emperor lives again in two princes true images of their great father and heirs no less to his virtues than to his dignities you have not changed your emperor but only your emperor's name since the prince tamuso as the first born receives the crown I am from this moment under his scepter the leader of the army tell tamuso let us swear him allegiance to him let us swear eternal loyalty him let us all here after obey end of chapter 13 recording by alan winteroud boomcoach.blogspot.com chapter 14 of neils climm's journey under the ground this liberivox recording is in the public domain recording by alan winteroud chapter 14 the author becomes a monarch under the ground when my speech was ended they all cried out with loud voices we will have pickle sous for emperor when I heard this I became terrified and begged them with tears in my eyes not to forget the fidelity and duty they owed to the imperial family but my words were of no use they all approached me and placed a crown upon my head repeating the above mentioned exclamation I was then carried from the tent and proclaimed before the whole army emperor of kwama king of tanaqui arctonia and alectoria and duke of chispa sianiania afterwards we made a triumphal entry into the capital where prince tamuso himself acknowledged me for emperor thus from a miserable shipwrecked wretch I became a great and powerful monarch I soon married the royal daughter of the deceased emperor for the people still loved and honored the old royal family this princess was named ralak and bloomed like a new blown rose in mellowed purple smile when I had reduced to order the affairs of the empire and firmly established myself on the throne I thought of new means by which I might extend my dominions and render my power fearful to the whole subterranean world I turned my attention to a navy and soon had a fleet of twenty ships on the sea I soon came to regard myself as an underground alexander and determined to make myself as famous as he had on our globe I concluded the sale first for mesendor and thence to martinia we set sail at that period of the year when the planet nasir is of the middle size and in a few days came in sight of the mesendoric coast I immediately sent ambassadors to the imperial residence of whom was demanded in the name of the emperor what their purpose whence they came over the foaming billows of the swelling main the ambassadors answered neither misleading stars diluted winds nor storms have brought us here with voluntary will we steered and thereupon delivered to the emperor a letter of the following contents we, neils climm ambassador of the sun emperor in kwama king of taniqui arctonia and electoria and duke of kispasianiania salute the emperor of mesendor miklapilota we humbly make known that it is concluded in the unchangeable councils of heaven that all the empires and kingdoms of the world must surrender themselves to the power of kwama and as the will of providence is irrevocable your kingdom must necessarily submit to fate we therefore advise you to surrender voluntarily yourself and your dominions rather than foolishly resist our invincible phalanx and thereby experience all the bloody horrors of war given from our fleet the third day in the month remat in a few days our ambassadors returned with a bold and haughty answer I made a descent upon the coast placed my army in battle array and sent spies to examine the condition of the enemy the spies came back in great haste and related that an immense army of 60,000 in number consisting of lions, tigers elephants, bears and birds of prey was drawing towards us we were soon apprised of their approach by roars, shrieks and terrific cries commingling a devilish tumult the combat soon commenced and truly was one of the hottest and most come-tomacious in which I ever engaged at last we put them to flight in this engagement fell 33,000 mesondorians and about 4,000 were made prisoners we followed our victory and drew before the capital city this we besieged both by land and sea so energetic was our blockade that the enemy quickly proposed a parley and sent ambassadors to ask for peace on reasonable conditions the emperor offered to me his daughter the handsomest of the lionesses in marriage and the half of his empire as a dowry these conditions although very honorable were very displeasing to me for I considered it both unsafe and illicit to forsake my wife whom I left behind in pregnancy and marry a lioness I therefore sent back the ambassadors without answer I now ordered my canon to be directed against the wall which although built of stone was soon rent the emperor lost all hope and surrendered himself together with all his lands after putting a garrison in the capital I took the emperor on board my own ship and laid my course for martinia the coast of which we reached after a long but fortunate voyage we obtained here the same success as elsewhere when the martinian submitted I determined to include their neighbors under the same yoke as I was preparing to effect this ambassadors from four adjacent countries arrived and voluntarily acknowledged allegiance to me I now possessed so many kingdoms that I did not deem it worth my trouble to ascertain the names of these but included them all under the title of the martinian act dominion end of chapter 14 recording by alan winteroud boomcoach.blogspot.com chapter 15 of neils climm's journey under the ground this libervox recording is in the public domain recording by alan winteroud chapter 15 a sudden change in the fortunes of the author having made so many warlike excursions and added to our fleet a number of martinian act ships we set sail for our own land into which we entered with a splendor exceeding the old roman triumphs and really my deeds deserved all possible honors for what heroic action could be greater and more glorious than the change and despised nation a nation exposed to the insults of its weaker neighbors to the acknowledged and respected ruler of the world what could be more honorable to a man than to reinstate the human race in that dominion which nature is given to it over all other animals from this time a new period may be reckoned in history a fifth monarchy can be added to the glorious role of splendid empires to the assyrian persian greek and roman empires the subterranean chromatic monarchy who questionably exceeds them all in magnificence and power may not be considered unworthy to be joined i could not decline for obvious reasons the title of cobalt or great with which the concord nation saluted me i was hailed thereafter by the following titles neils the great, ambassador of the sun emperor in kwama and mesendor, king of the toniquy electoria martinia the mesendoric and martinian act dominions grand duke of kiss pasianiania ruler of martinia et cetera et cetera firmly founded to the mighty empire the favorite of fortune i seemed as firmly fixed not one alas may be deemed happy till his latest hour when i had reached this splendid and powerful height greater than any man should desire i became what men usually become who are raised from a simple state to great honor in the world i forgot my former condition and inclined to vanity instead of exerting myself to retain the favor of the people i proved myself cruel and rigorous to all classes my subject whom i had formerly endeared by friendly and polite conduct i now regarded and treated as slaves in this course i came soon to be despised the love and reverence of my people were changed to indifference and fear their sentiments towards me i soon had reason to understand when i issued a proclamation to the inhabitants the occasion was this the empress whom i left in pregnancy during my last expedition had in my absence been delivered of a son this prince i wish to have nominated a successor i therefore summoned a diet and commanded the commission nobles and the great men among the concord nations to meet in the capital at the crowning of the child none dared to disobey this proclamation and the coronation passed off with great magnificence but i observed by the countenances of my subjects that their joy was dissembled i became more confirmed in my mistrust when i learned that a multitude of libels had been spread about these libels by unknown authors criticized me very severely and asserted that prince tamuso was insulted in the choice of my son this enraged me so much that i could not rest until that noble and excellent prince should be removed from my path i therefore suborned some persons to accuse him of treason and since rulers seldom won assistance when they would commit crimes i was quickly enabled to prove that tamuso had attempted my life i had him sentenced to death by bribed judges and then threw him into prison where he was privately murdered for i feared to excite a rebellion by a public execution i had determined to murder the younger prince likewise but postponed it his youth procured for him the safety which neither my justice nor humanity would have granted him i once imbued my hands in innocent blood my cruelty and moroseness knew no bounds i doomed to death several whole families whose loyalty i merely suspected not a day passed without bloodshed i defiled my soul with the blood of innocence virtue and nobleness all these things hastened a rebellion excited by the nobles who had been long disgusted with me i will here acknowledge that i deserve all the misfortunes that afterwards met me it had certainly been more fit for a christian king to have taught his ignorant and heathen subjects to know the true god and to have given them an example in my own person of the sweet charities of the true religion than to have excelled even themselves in barbarity, sin and moral turpitude it would have been an easy matter for me to have reformed the whole subterranean world for whatever i commanded was fulfilled whatever i determined was received in perfect good faith whenever i spoke my words were as those of a god but i forgot god and myself i thought of nothing but empty and vain splendor and the augmentation of my power wherefore i perpetuated many cruelties until the people unable to bear more and they were a patient people broke out against me while matter stood thus i determined to lay hands on prince judoba this intention i revealed to my high chancellor kalak in whom i had great confidence he promised to be of service to me in all things and departed to fulfill my order but at heart he detested my cowardly fears and left me only to discover my plot to the prince together they repaired to the fort collected the garrison and represented in a touching manner danger and my fears the tears of the unfortunate prince gave weight to his words all seized their arms and promised that they would hazard their lives for him the cunning chancellor took the opportunity to persuade them to swear loyalty to the prince and sent messages to others who he knew were displeased with me to take arms against the tyrant all armed themselves whose hearts through fear and horror did burn toward their country's tyrant they met and united with the garrison while i awaited the return of the chancellor by the advice of poma paloko i fled seasonably to tanaqui leaving my own capital before the inhabitants generally were apprised of the immediate cause of the sudden outbreak arrived in tanaqui i quickly collected an army of 40,000 men and boldly retraced the steps which a few days before i had pursued in fear and trembling i had little doubt that my powers would be augmented by kwamites who had been either too remote to suffer from my cruelty or too indifferent to my infamy to hesitate in joining a force so overpowering and a leader whose prospects were so brilliant as mine but i was deceived in my hopes instead of auxiliaries a herald from the prince met me the object of his mission was to declare a formal war and for a commencement of hostilities that my wife and son had been imprisoned on the footsteps of the herald came the kwamitic forces a bloody engagement took place in which our part proved to be inferior i left to my fate fled to a neighboring mountain crossed its side and ascended to a dale behind it there i remained in concealment for some time bemoaning the while my misery as i then believed but which i afterwards more justly named i was so agitated had so thoroughly lost the presence of mine for which i had in former days been distinguished that i did not remove from my head the crown which being ornamented with sunbeams would have easily betrayed me while panting like a bade lion i heard a nestling on the other side of the mountain which i suppose was made by men beating a bushes to discover any hiders i now looked around for a more clear retreat for i doubted not that my flight had been noticed and that these pursuers would search on my side of the mountain before me was a thick and matted forest sunk between hills all desolate and bare whose dark and awful silence beckoned me i hurried thither fiercely flinging aside the thorny bushes that clung as fiercely to me and came at last to the mouth of a cave creeping in i observed that the cave was deep and as far as the light penetrated level i determined to explore its recesses though i think i should not have been so hardy in my days of fortune after treading cautiously a hundred paces i suddenly lost my footing and plunged with the quickness of lightning into a hole that must have had perpendicular sides having shot through this passage the abode of palpable darkness and night i suddenly perceived a faint light as wind through clouds the moon doth gleam with pallid smile as this light increased my speed decreased so that without pain or trouble i was soon brought to a stand between two high mountains my sensations during this remarkable passage were similar to those experienced while tossing among the billows of the ocean on recovering i found myself to my great astonishment in the same spot from which years before i had plunged into the subterranean regions a moment's reflection gave me the means to account for the decrease of speed in the latter part of my course the weight of the atmosphere is much greater on the surface of the globe than below consequently i was buoyed up by an increased resistance of the air towards the surface had this not been the case i should unquestionably, at least in my own mind have shot off to the moon still, being obnoxious to cavill, i will defer this hypothesis to the astronomer's closer examination end of chapter 15 recording by alan winteroud boomcoach.blogspot.com


Navi boy friend of Villa, only a tour of this villa When I'm at tune I deliver, this a hard proof of the creatures It's looking for tummy, so gotta get ugly with em Sell the hospitality at the window, each a rib peeking out the window That's my M-O-O-D-Y, ain't he mean?