Preface and the Circuit Preacher of Off-Hand Sketches. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Off-Hand Sketches by T. S. Arthur Preface. The reader cannot but smile at some of the phases of life presented in this volume. Yet the smile will, in no case, the author thinks, be at the expense of humanity, good feeling, or virtue. Many of the incidents given are facts embellished by a few touches of fancy. In all, lessons may be read that some, at least, will do well to lay to heart. The Circuit Preacher. The Methodist Circuit Preacher is in the way of seeing human nature in many rare and curious aspects. Under the itinerating system, the United States are divided into conferences, districts, and circuits. The conference usually embraces a state, the district a certain division of the state or conference, and the circuit a portion of the district. To every circuit is assigned a preacher who is expected to provide himself with a horse, and his duty is to pass round his circuit regularly at appointed seasons through the year and meet the members of the church at the various places of worship established on the circuit. Every year he attends the annual Conference of Preachers, at which one of the bishops presides, and is liable to be assigned a new circuit, in the selection of which, as a general thing, he has no choice, the bishop making all the appointments. And so, term after term, he goes to a new place among strangers. Before any strong attachments can be formed, the relation between him and his people is severed, and he begins, as it were, life anew, hundreds of miles away it may be, from any former field of labor. To a married man, this system is one involving great self-denial and sacrifice, assuming often a painful character. In those circuits that embrace wealthy and populist sections of the country, the Methodist minister is well taken care of, but there are many other sections where the people are not only very poor, but indifferent to matters of religion, ignorant in the extreme, and not overburdened with kind or generous feelings. On circuits of this character, the preacher meets sometimes with pretty rough treatment, and if, for his year's service, he is able to get, being, we will suppose, a single man, fifty or sixty dollars in money, he may think himself pretty well off. To one of these hard circuits, a preacher, whom we shall call the Reverend Mr. Odell of the New Jersey Conference, found himself assigned by the bishop who presided at the annual conference. The change was felt as pretty severe, he having been on a comfortable station for two years, but as he must take the evil with the good, he conscientiously repressed all natural regrets and murmurings, and as in duty bound, started at the close of the conference for his new field of labor. A day or two before leaving, and after the appointments were announced, Mr. Odell said to the brother who had ridden that circuit during the previous year, so I am to follow in your footsteps. It appears so, was the brief reply. How did you like the circuit? I am pretty well pleased to change. Not much encouragement in that answer. We can't all have good places. Some of us must take our turn in the highways and byways of the land. True, I am not disposed to complain. I have taken up the cross and mean to bear it to the end if possible without a murmur. As we all should. Well, brother Odell, if you pass the year on the circuit without a murmur, your faith and firmness will be strong. I can assure you that it will be more than I did, a great deal more. I have been among some pretty rough people in my time. So have I, but—and he checked himself. However, I will not prejudice your mind. It would be wrong. They do as well, I suppose, as they know how, and the best can do no more. Truly said, and the more rude, ignorant, and selfish they are, the more need they have of gospel instruction and the more willing should we be to break the bread of life for them. If our master had not even where to lay his head, it ill becomes us to murmur because every natural good is not spread out before us. In this state of mind Odell went to his new circuit, having deposited his family, consisting of a wife and one child, in the little village of S, with a kind brother who offered them a home at a mere nominal board. He mounted his horse and started forth on a three-weeks tour among the members of the church to whom he was to minister during the next twelve months in holy things. The first preaching place was ten miles distant, and the little meeting-house stood on the roadside nearly a mile from any dwelling and in an exceedingly poor district of country. Before leaving S, Mr. Odell made inquiries of the brother at whose house he was staying in regard to the route he was to take and the people among whom he was going. As to the route, all that was made satisfactory enough, but the account given of the people was not encouraging in a very high degree. The fact is, said the brother rather warmly, it's my opinion that they don't deserve to have the gospel preached among them. To this, however, the preacher very naturally demurred and said that he was not sent to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. Where will I stop tonight? he inquired. It was Saturday afternoon, and on Sunday morning he was to preach at his first appointment. Well, said the brother slowly and thoughtfully, I can tell you where you ought to stop, but I don't know you will be so welcome there as at a poorer place. Brother Martin is better able to entertain the preachers comfortably than anyone else in that section, but I believe he has never invited them home and they have generally gone to the house of a good widow lady named Russell, whose barrel of meal and cruise of oil deserve never to fail. She is about the only real Christian among them. Is brother Martin a farmer? Yes, and comfortably off, but how he ever expects to get his load of selfishness into heaven is more than I can tell. You must not be uncharitable, brother, said Odell. I know that, but truth is truth. However, you must see and judge for yourself. I think you had better go to the house of sister Russell, who will welcome you with all her heart and give you the best she has. And I want no more, said the preacher. After getting precise directions for finding sister Russell, he started on his journey. It was nearly five o'clock and he made his calculation to reach sister Russell's by seven, where he would remain all night and go with her to the preaching place on Sunday morning. He had not, however, been half an hour on his journey before heavy masses of deep blue clouds began to roll up from the horizon and spread over the sky. And ere he had accomplished half the distance he was going, large drops of rain began to fall as the beginning of a heavy storm. The preacher was constrained to turn aside and seek the shelter of a farmhouse where he was received with much kindness. Nightfall brought no abatement of the tempest. The lightning still blazed out in broad masses of fire, the thunder jarred and rattled amid the clouds like parks of artillery and the rain continued to pour down unceasingly. The invitation to remain all night, which the farmer and his wife tendered in all sincerity, was not, of course, declined by the preacher. In the morning, after being served with a plentiful breakfast, Odell returned his warmest thanks for the kindness he had received and proceeded on his journey. He had five miles to ride, but it was only half past eight o'clock when he started and as the hour for preaching was ten, there was plenty of time for him to proceed at his leisure. As Sister Russell lived nearly a mile away from a direct course, he did not turn aside to call upon her, but went on to the meeting house. On reaching the little country church, Mr. Odell found a small company of men assembled in front of the humble building who looked at him curiously and with something of shyness in their manner as he rode up and dismounted. No one offering to take his horse, he led him aside to a little grove and tied the reins to a tree. One or two of the men nodded distantly as he passed them on his way to the meeting house door, but none of them spoke to him. On entering the meeting house, Mr. Odell found some thirty persons assembled, most of them women. If there were any official members present, they made themselves in no way officious in regard to the preacher, who, after pausing at the door leading into the little altar or chancel for a short time and looking around with an expression of inquiry on his face, ascended the pulpit stairs and took his seat. All was as silent almost as if the house had been tenantless. In a little while the preacher arose and gave out a hymn, but there was no one to raise the tune. One looked at another uneasily. Sundry persons coughed and cleared their throats, but all remained silent. Odell was not much of a singer, but had practiced on old hundred so much that he could lead that air very well, and the hymn happening by good luck to be set to a long meter tune, he was able to start it. This done the congregation joined in and the singing went off pretty well. After praying and reading a chapter in the Bible, Odell sat down to collect his thoughts for the sermon, which was, of course, to be extemporary as Methodist sermons usually are. It is customary for the choir, if there is one, to sing an anthem during this pause, or where no singers are set apart for some members to strike up an appropriate hymn in which the congregation joins. On this occasion all was silent. After the lapse of a few minutes Mr. Odell arose and turning in the Bible to the chapter where the text from which he was to preach was recorded read the verse that was to form the groundwork of his remarks. Before opening the subject he stated briefly that he was the preacher who was to labor among them during the ensuing year and hoped in the divine providence that good both to them and to him would result from the new spiritual relations that were about to be commenced. Then proceeding with his discourse he preached to and exhorted them with great earnestness but without seeming to make any impression. Not an amen was heard from any part of the house. Not an eye grew moist. Not an audible groan or sigh disturbed the air. Nothing responded to his appeals but the echo of his own voice. Never had the preacher delivered a discourse in which he felt so little freedom. His words came back upon his ears with a kind of dull reverberation as if the hearts of his hearers were of ice instead of flesh. Before singing the last hymn which Mr. Odell gave out at the conclusion of the sermon he announced that he would hold a class meeting. After he had finally pronounced the benediction there was a general movement towards the door. Only seven remained and these were all female members most of them pretty well advanced in their life journey. Mr. Martin was at the meeting but ere the preacher had descended the pulpit stairs he was out of the house and preparing to leave for home. Where is the new preacher going? asked a member of Mr. Martin as he let out his horse to Sister Russell's I presume. Sister Russell is not here. Isn't she? No, she's sick. He stayed there last night I suppose and will go back after class. Martin spring upon his horse as he said this. We ought to be sure of it remarked the other. I can't invite him home said Martin. If I do I shall have him through the whole year and that is not convenient. The preachers have always stayed at Sister Russell's and there is no reason why they shouldn't continue to do so. I haven't a corner to put him in remarked the other besides these preachers are too nice for me. It's all right no doubt said Martin as he balanced himself in his saddle. All right. He stayed at Sister Russell's last evening and will go back and stay there until tomorrow morning. Get up Tom. And with this self satisfying remark the farmer rode away. The man with whom he had been talking was like him a member and like him had omitted to attend class in order to shift off upon someone else the burden of entertaining the new preacher. For whoever first tendered him the hospitalities of his house and table would most probably have to do it through the year. He too rode off and left others to see that the preacher was duly cared for. And icy coldness pervaded the class meeting. Only four out of the seven sisters one of whom was an old black woman could muster up courage enough to tell in answer to the preacher's call the dealing of God with their souls. And only two of them could effect an utterance louder than a whisper. What they did say had in it but little coherence. And Mr. Odell had to content himself with an exhortation to each of a general rather than a particular character. When the hymn was sung at the close only one thin voice joined in the song of praise and not a sob or sigh was heard in response to his prayer. The class paper showed the names of 30 members but here were only seven. This was rather discouraging for a commencement. Mr. Odell hardly knew what course to take whether to stir up with some pretty sharp remarks the little company of believers who were present and thus seek to impress the whole through them or to wait until he came round again and have a good chance at them from the pulpit. He concluded in the end that the course might be the best one. In calling over the names of the class paper he found that Sister Russell was absent. On dismissing the meeting all except the old black woman retired. She lingered however to shake hands with the new preacher and to show him that if she was old her teeth were good and her eyes bright and lively. On emerging into the open air Odell saw the last of his flock slowly retiring from the scene of worship. For two of the women their husbands had waited on the outside of the meeting house and they had taken into their wagons two other women who lived near them. These wagons were already in motion when the preacher came out followed by the old black woman who it now appeared had the key of the meeting house door which she locked. Then you are the sexton aunty remarked Odell with a smile and said Massa I keeps the key. Well Nancy said Odell who had already made up his mind what he would do I am going home to dinner with you. Me Massa old Nancy looked as much surprised as a startled hair. Yes you see they've all gone and left me and I feel hungry you'll give me some of your dinner. Yes Massa please God I'll give you all of it but it's only pork and hominy. Very good and it will be all the sweeter because I am welcome. Deed Massa and you is welcome five hundred times over but it was a downright shame for I'll do white folks to go off so I never see such people. Never mind Nancy don't trouble yourself I shall be well enough taken care of I'll trust to you for that. And so Mr. Odell mounted his horse and accompanied the old woman home she lived rather over a mile from the meeting house and the way was past the comfortable residence of Mr. Martin the latter did not feel altogether satisfied with himself as he rode home he was not certain that the preacher had stated sister Russell's the night before he might have ridden over from S since morning this suggestion caused him to feel rather more uneasy in mind for if this were the case it was doubtful weather after class was over there would be anyone to invite him home what kind of a man is the new preacher asked Mrs. Martin of her husband on his return from meeting he seemed like a very good sort of man replied Martin indifferently is he young or old he's about my age I should think married I'm sure I don't know did you speak to him no I came away after the sermon then you didn't stop to class no sister Russell was not there of course no she's sick so I heard the preacher didn't stay at her house last night how do you know Mrs. Williams called in while you were away she had just been to sister Russell's and the new preacher didn't stay at her house last night so Mrs. Williams asked particularly he must have ridden over from us this morning I am sorry I didn't wait and tell him to come home and stay with us I wish you had sister Russell is too sick to have him at her house if he should go there who stayed to class meeting not over half a dozen and they were all women I left Bill Taylor and Harry Chester waiting outside for their wives they wouldn't ask him home no and if they did I should be sorry to have him go there I wish I had stayed in and invited him home but it can't be helped now and there's no use in fretting over it soon after this dinner was announced and the farmer sat down with his family to a table loaded with good and substantial things he ate and enjoyed himself though not as highly as he would have done had not thoughts of the new preacher but he intruded themselves after dinner Martin took a comfortable nap which lasted about an hour he then went out and took a little walk to himself while standing at the gate which opened from his farm on to the country road a man who lived half a mile below came along this man was not a member of any church and took some delight at times in having his jest with professors of religion afternoon Mr. Ellis said Martin as the man stopped very fine how are you all quite well any news stirring why no not much only they say that the Methodists about here have all joined the amalgamation society who says so inquired Martin slightly coloring well they say it down our way I thought it was only a joke at first but a little while after dinner Aunt Nancy's Tom came over to my house for some oats and hay for your new minister's horse he said the preachers were going to stop at the old woman's after this I half doubted the rascal's story though I let him have the Provender sure enough as I came along just now who should I see but the preacher sitting before the door of old Nancy's log hut as much at home as if his skin were the color of ebony these are rather queer doings and Martin I don't know what folks will say we will not pause to describe the astonishment and confusion of Martin on learning this but step down to Aunt Nancy's where O'Dell after dining on pork and hominy with the addition of potatoes and cornbread was sitting in the shade before the log cabin of the old Negro the letter was busy as a bee inside in preparation of something for the preachers supper that she thought was more suited to his motive living in appetite than pork cornbread and hominy O'Dell was rather more inclined to feel amused than annoyed at his new position and Nancy's dinner had tasted very good and had been sweetened rather than spoiled by the old creature's loquacious kindness and a vicious concern lest what she had to set before him would not be relished while he thus sat musing the subject of his thoughts as a particular consequence to be known his attention was arrested by hearing Aunt Nancy exclaim kai here comes Massa Martin the preacher turned his head and saw a man approaching with the decided and rather quick step of one who had something on his mind is that brother Martin asked Mr. O'Dell calling to Aunt Nancy who was near the window of her hut yes please goodness wonder what you hear about we'll soon see return to the preacher composing himself in his chair in a few minutes the farmer looking sadly flustered arrived at the door of the old Negro's humble abode O'Dell kept his seat with an air of entire self-possession and unconcern and looked at the newcomer as he would have done at any other stranger Mr. O'Dell the new preacher on this circuit said Martin in a respectful manner as he advanced towards the minister yes sir replied O'Dell without rising or eventing any surprise at the question I'm very sorry indeed sir very sorry began Martin in a deprecating and troubled voice that you should have been so badly neglected as you were today I had no idea I never once thought the preachers have always stayed at sister Russell's home and accepted that you were there to think you should not have been invited home by anyone I am mortified to death oh no returned the preacher smiling it is not quite so bad as that our good old sister here very kindly tendered me the hospitalities of her humble home which I accepted gratefully no one could be kinder to me than she has been no one could have given me a stammered forth Martin this is no place for a preacher to stay a far better place than my lord and master had the foxes have holes in the birds of the air have nests but the son of man hath not where to lay his head the servant must not seek to be greater than his lord but my dear sir my house is a far more suitable and congenial home for you urged the distressed brother Martin you must go home with me at once my wife is terribly heard about the matter she would have come over to you herself but she is not very well today tell the good sister replied Odell affecting not to know the individual before him that I am so comfortable here that I cannot think of changing my quarters besides after aunt Nancy has been so kind as to invite me home and provide for both me and my horse when else took the least notice of me nor seemed to care whether I got the shelter of a roof or a mouth full of food it would not be right for me to turn away from her because a more comfortable place is offered it was in vain that Martin argued and persuaded the preacher's mind was made up to stay where he was and he did stay with aunt Nancy until the next morning when after praying with the old lady and giving her his blessing on his journey when at the end of four weeks Mr. Odell again appeared at the little meeting house you may be sure he was received with marked attention Martin was the most forward of all and after preaching in class meeting there was a pretty full attendance at both took the minister home with him ever since that time the preachers have been entertained at his house end of preface and the circuit preacher recording by Trisha G section two of offhand sketches this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Rosie offhand sketches by T.S. Arthur section two the protest reader did you ever have a visit from that dreaded missionary that rod in pickle held in terror ram over the heads of the whole notepaying fraternity eclipted a notary I do not mean to insult you so don't look so dark and dignified I am serious if no why no and there let the matter rest as far as you are concerned if yes why yes and so I have an auditor who can understand me as for me I have been protested I say it neither with shame nor pride yes I have suffered notorial visitation and am still alive to tell the tale I was in business when the exciting event occurred and I am still in business and I believe as well off as I was then but let me relate the circumstance when I first started in the world for myself I had a few thousand dollars in a little while I found myself solicited on all sides to make bills I could have bought fifty thousand dollars worth of goods as easily as to the amount of five thousand dollars and the smallest sum I have named was about the extent of my real capital there was one firm important above the rest and they were successful in getting me into their debt more heavily than I was to any other house if I happen to be passing their store I would be called in with here Jones I want to show you something new goods just in the very thing for your sales or ah how are you Jones can't we sell you a bill today they were forever importuning me to buy and often tempted me to make purchases of goods that I really did not want I was young and green then and did not know anything about shelves full of odds and ends and piece upon piece of unsalable goods all of which had to be paid for for two or three years I managed to keep long though not so pleasantly as if I had used my credit with less freedom by that time however the wheels of my business machinery were sadly clogged from a salesman behind my counter I became a financier during the best hours of the day and when I was most wanted in the store I was on the street hunting for money it was borrow borrow borrow and pay pay pay my thoughts were not directed toward the best means of making my business profitable but were upon the ways and means of paying my notes that were falling due with alarming rapidity I was nearly all the time in the delectable state of mind of the individual who on running against a sailor was threatened with being knocked into the middle of next week do it for heaven's sake he replied I would give the world to be there on Monday morning I could see my way through the week no clearer than this note haunted sufferer in fact I lived a day at a time on the first of each month when I looked over my bill book and then calculated my resources I was appalled I saw nothing ahead but ruin still I floundered on getting myself deeper and deeper into the mire and rendering my final extrication more and more difficult at last I found that my principal editors who had sold me so freely from the first and to whom nearly the half of what I owed was do began to be less anxious about selling me goods they did not call me in as of old when I passed nor did they urge me to buy when I went into their when I went to their store still they sent home what I ordered but their prices which before were the lowest in the trade were now above the average rates I noticed felt and thought I understood all this I had been careful not to borrow money from that firm still I was borrowing somewhere every day and they of course knew it and began to be a little doubtful of my stability at last I was cornered on a note of a thousand dollars do this house besides this note I had fifteen hundred dollars of borrowed money to pay at nine o'clock I started forth leaving good customers or to whom no one could attend as well as myself by twelve o'clock I was able to return my borrowed money and had the promise of a thousand dollars by half past one until half past one I waited when a note came from the friend who had promised alone informing me with many expressions of regret that he had been disappointed and therefore could not accommodate me here was a dilemma indeed half past one o'clock and a thousand dollars to raise but there was no time for regrets I started forth with a troubled heart and not feeling very sanguine of success borrowing money is far from being pleasant employment and is only endurable as a less evil than not meeting your obligations for that day I had thought my trials on this head over but I aired I had again to put on my armor of brass and go forth to meet coldness rebuffs and polite denials alas I got no more not a dollar rewarded my earnest efforts two o'clock found me utterly discouraged then for the first time it occurred to me to go to the holders of the note and frankly tell them that I could not lift it but that will ruin your credit with them yes that was the rub and then it was so mortifying a resource after a short space of hurried reflection I concluded that as I had twice as much credit in other quarters as it was prudent to use I would ask a renewal of the note which would be a great relief it was better certainly than to suffer a protest at the thought of a protest I shuttered and started to see the parties to whom the note was due feeling much as I suppose a culprit feels when about being arraigned for trial it was twenty minutes past two when I called at their store I am sorry I said to one of the firm whom I first met speaking in a husky agitated voice to inform you that I shall not be able to lift my note that falls due today his brows fell instantly I had made every arrangement to meet it I continued and was to receive the money at one o'clock today but was unexpectedly disappointed I have tried since to raise the amount but find it too late in the day the man's brows fell still lower while his eyes remained steadily fixed upon my face I shall have to ask you to extend it for me I don't think we can do that he coldly replied will you consult your partners I said time presses the man bowed stiffly his aspect about as pleasing as if I had robbed him and turned away near the door of the counting room inside of which were his two partners with whom he had retired to confer Jones can't pay his note I heard him say in tones most unpleasant to my ear what was replied Jones yes Jones what does he want a renewal nonsense he can pay if he finds he must it is nearly half past two one of them remarked no matter it's of too much importance to him to keep his good name he'll find somebody to help him threaten him with a protest shake that over his head and the money will be raised with a Siberian aspect the man returned to me can't do anything for you he said sorry for it my note must lie over then I replied it will be protested the very sound of the word went through me like an arrow I felt a perspiration starting from every poor but I was indignant at the same time and answered as firmly as I could speak very well let it be as you like he said in the same cold tone and with the same dark aspect partly turning away as he spoke but my dear sir it is useless to waste words he remarked interrupting me you have our ultimatum as I left the store I felt as if I had been guilty of some crime I was ashamed to look even the clerks in the face a feeble resolution to make an effort to save myself from the disgrace and disaster of a protest stirred in my mind but it died away and I returned to my store to await the dread result that must follow this failure to take up my paper I looked at the slow moving hand on the clock and saw minute after minute go by with a stoicism that surprised even myself at last the stroke of the hammer fell the die was cast I would be protested that greatest of all evils dreaded by a man of business as to going home to dinner that was out of the question I could not have he in a mouthful to save me all I had to do now was to wait for the visit of the notary from which I shrank with a nervous dread everybody in the street would know him I thought and everybody would see him enter my store and comprehend his business half past three arrived and yet I had not been bearded by the dread monster at whose very name thousands have trembled and do still tremble I sat awaiting him in stern silence four o'clock and yet he had not come perhaps it was suggested to me the holders of the note had withdrawn it at the last moment cheering thought just then I saw a lad enter the store and speak to one of the clerks who pointed back to where I sat the boy was not over fourteen and had I noticed as he approached a modest rather shrinking look Mr. Jones he said when he had come near to me yes I replied indifferently scarcely wondering what he wanted will you pay this note he said opening a piece of paper that I had not observed in his hand and presenting it to me my head was in a whirl for an instant but was as quickly clear again no my lad I replied in a composed voice I shall not pay it you will not pay it he repeated as if he had not heard me distinctly no said I the lad bowed politely slipped the dishonored note into his pocket and retired I drew a long breath leaned back in my chair with a sense of relief and murmured not such a dreadful affair after all so I am protested the operation is over and I hardly felt the pain and now what next as I said this the man whose Siberian face had almost congealed me entered my store and came hurriedly back to where I still remained sitting his face was far less wintry the fact was I owed the firm fifteen thousand dollars which was no joke and they were nearly as much alarmed when they found that my note was actually under protest as I was before the fact is it possible Mr. Jones he said his voice as husky and tremulous as mine was when I called upon him an hour or two before that you have suffered your note to lie over did I not inform you that such would be the case I replied with assumed sternness of voice and manner the boot was on the other leg and I was not slow in recognizing the fact but what do you intend to do Mr. Jones what is the state of your affairs at the proper time I will inform you I answered coldly you have driven me into a protest and you must stand the consequences are your affairs desperate Mr. Jones the creditor became almost imploring in his manner they will probably become so now does a man's note lie over without his affairs becoming desperate perhaps there was a pause I looked unflinchingly into the man's face if we extend this note and keep the matter quiet what then it won't do I returned more than that will be required to save me my creditor looked frightened while I maintained an aspect of as much indifference and resolution as I could assume what will save you he asked I was thinking as rapidly as I could in order to be prepared for striking while the iron was hot and that to good purpose I'll tell you I replied well what is it he looked eager and anxious my fault has been one into which your house led me that of buying too freely said I of using my credit in judiciously the consequence is that I am cramped severely and I'm neglecting my legitimate business in order to run about after money I owe your house more than half of the aggregate of my whole liabilities give me the time I ask in order to recover myself and curtail my business and I can go through what time do you ask I owe you fifteen thousand dollars so much yes and the whole of it falls due within seven months what I propose is to pay you five percent on the amount of my present indebtedness every thirty days from this time until the whole is liquidated you to hand me a thousand dollars tomorrow morning to enable me to get my note out of bank in order to save my credit the gentleman looked blank at the boldness of my proposition is that the best you can do he asked the very best you have driven me into a protest and now the bitterness of that dreaded ordeal being passed I prefer making an assignment and having my affairs settled up to go on in the old way I will not continue in business unless I can conduct it easily and safely I am sick of being on the rack I would rather grub for a living I was eloquent in my tone and manner for I felt what I said it shall be as you wish said my creditor you should not, you must not make an assignment every interest will suffer in that event we will send you a check for a thousand dollars early tomorrow morning and as to what has occurred keep our own counsel I bowed and he bowed I was conscious of having risen my estimation get such a man in your power and his respect for you increases fourfold my sleep was sound that night for I was satisfied that the thousand dollars would come and they did come after that I was as easy as an old shoe I was soon off the borrowing list my business I contracted into a narrower and safer sphere and really made more profit than before I have never stood in fear of notaries or protests since why should I? to me the notary proved a lamb rather than a lion and my credit instead of being ruined was saved by a protest End of Chapter 2 The Protest Recording by Rosie Section 3 of Offhand Sketches This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Deborah Lynn Offhand Sketches by T. S. Arthur Section 3 Retrenchment or what a man saved by stopping his newspaper Not many years ago a farmer who lived a hundred or two miles from the seaboard became impressed with the idea that unless he adopted a close cutting system of retrenchment he would certainly go to the wall Wheat during the preceding season had been at a high price but unluckily for him he had only a small portion of his land in wheat of corn and potatoes he had raised more than the usual quantity but the price of corn was down and potatoes were low This year he had sown double the wheat he had ever sown before and instead of raising a thousand bushels of potatoes as he had generally done only planted about an acre in that vegetable the product of which was about one hundred and fifty bushels Unluckily for Mr. Ashburn his calculations did not turn out well After his wheat was harvested and his potatoes nearly ready to dig the price of the former fell to ninety cents per bushel and the price of the latter rose to one dollar Everywhere the wheat crop had been abundant and almost everywhere the potato crop promised to be light Mr. Ashburn was sadly disappointed at this result I shall be ruined," he said at home and carried a long face while abroad when his wife and daughters asked for money with which to get their fall and winter clothing he grumbled sadly gave them half what they wanted and said they must retrench a day or two afterwards the collector of the post came along and presented his bill Ashburn paid it in a slow reluctant manner and then said I wish you to have the paper stopped Mr. Collector oh no don't say that Mr. Ashburn you are one of our old subscribers and we can't think of parting with you sorry to give up the paper but must do it returned to the farmer isn't it as good as ever you used to say you'd rather give up a dinner a week than the post oh yes it's as good as ever and sometimes I think much better than it was it's a great pleasure to read it but I must retrench at every point and then I don't see how I'm to get along wheat's down to ninety cents and falling daily but the paper is only two dollars a year Mr. Ashburn I know but two dollars are two dollars however it's no use to talk Mr. Collector the post must be stopped if I have better luck next year I will subscribe for it again this luck the collector nothing to urge and he withdrew in his next letter to the publishers he ordered the paper to be discontinued which was accordingly done of this little act of retrenchment Jane, Margaret and Phoebe knew nothing at the time and the farmer was rather loathed to tell them when the fact did become known as it must soon he expected a buzzing in the hive and the anticipation of this made him half repent of what he had done and almost wished that the collector would forget to notify the office of his wish to have the paper stopped but the collector was a prompt man on the second Saturday morning Ashburn went to the post office as usual the postmaster handed him a letter saying as he did so I can't find any paper for you today they have made a mistake in not mailing it this week no replied Ashburn I have stopped it indeed the post is an excellent paper what other one do you intend to take I shall not take any newspaper this year replied Ashburn not take a newspaper Mr. Ashburn said the postmaster with a look and in a tone of surprise no I must retrench I must cut off all superfluous expenses and I believe I can do without a newspaper as well as anything else it's a mere luxury, a very pleasant one I own but still dispensable not a luxury but a necessary I say and indispensable returned to the postmaster I don't know what I wouldn't rather do without than a newspaper what in the world are Phoebe and Jane and Margaret going to do they will have to do without there's no help for it if they don't raise a storm about your ears that you will be glad to allay even at the cost of half a dozen newspapers I am mistaken said the postmaster laughing Ashburn replied as he turned to walk away that he thought he could face all storms of that kind without flinching give me the post papa said Margaret running to the door to meet her father when she saw him coming I haven't got it replied Mr. Ashburn feeling rather uncomfortable why hasn't it come no it hasn't come Margaret looked very much disappointed it has never missed before she said looking earnestly at her father no suspicion of the truth was in her mind but to the eyes of her father her countenance was full of suspicion still he had not the courage to confess what he had done the post hasn't come he heard Margaret say to her sisters a few minutes afterwards and their expressions of disappointment fell rebukingly upon his ears it seemed to Mr. Ashburn that he heard of little else while in the house during the whole day but the failure of the newspaper when night came even he as he sat with nothing to do but think about the low price of wheat for an hour before bedtime missed his old friend with the welcome face that had so often amused instructed and interested him on Monday morning the girls were very urgent for their father to ride over to the post office and see if the paper hadn't come but of course the farmer was too busy for that on Tuesday and Wednesday the same excuse was made on Thursday Margaret asked a neighbor who was going by the office to call and get the newspaper for them towards evening Mr. Marklin the neighbor was seen riding down the road and Margaret and Jane ran down eagerly to the gate for the newspaper did you get the paper for us asked Margaret showing two smiling rows of milk white teeth while her eyes danced with anticipated pleasure Mr. Marklin shook his head why ask both the girls at once the postmaster says it has been stopped stopped how changed were their faces and tones of voice yes he says your father directed it to be stopped that must be a mistake said Margaret he would have told us Mr. Marklin wrote on and the girls ran back into the house father the postmaster says you have stopped the newspaper exclaimed his daughters breaking in upon Mr. Ashburn's no very pleasant reflections on the low price of wheat and the difference in the return he would receive at 90 cents a bushel to what he would have realized at the last year's price of $1.25 it's true he replied trenching himself behind a firm decided manner but why did you stop it father inquired the girls because they can't afford to take it it's as much as I shall be able to do to get you enough to eat and wear this year Mr. Ashburn's manner was decided and his voice had a repelling tone Margaret and Phoebe could say no more but they did not leave their father's presence without giving his eyes the benefit of seeing a free gush of tears it would be doing injustice to Mr. Ashburn's state of mind to say that he felt very comfortable or had done so since stopping the post an act for which he had sundry times more than half repented but as it had been done he could not think of recalling it very sober were the faces that surrounded the supper table that evening but few words were spoken Mr. Ashburn felt oppressed and also fretted to think that his daughters should make both themselves and him unhappy about the trifle of a newspaper when he had such serious troubles to bear on the next Saturday as Mr. Ashburn was walking over his farm he saw a man sitting on one of his fences dressed in a jockey cap and wearing a short hunting coat he had a rifle over his shoulder and carried a powder flask shot in bird bags in fact he was a fully equipped sportsman a somewhat rara avas in those parts what's this lazy fellow doing here said Ashburn to himself I wonder where he comes from good morning neighbor spoke out the stranger in a familiar way as soon as the farmer came within speaking distance is there any good game about here any wild turkeys or pheasants there are plenty of squirrels returned to Ashburn a little sarcastically and the woods are full of robins squirrels make a first rate pie but I needn't tell you that my friend every farmer knows the taste of squirrels said the sportsman with great good humor still I want to try my hand at a wild turkey I've come off here into the country to have a crack at game better worth the shooting than we get in the neighborhood of P you're from P then said the farmer yes I live in P when did you leave there four or five weeks ago then you don't know what wheat is selling for now wheat no I think it was 95 or a dollar I don't remember which when I left 90 is all that is selling for here 90 I should like to buy some of that I have no doubt you can be accommodated replied the farmer that is exceedingly low for wheat if it wasn't for having a weak sport among your wild turkeys and the hope of being able to kill a deer I'd stop and buy up a lot of wheat on speculation I'll sell you 500 bushels at 92 said the farmer half hoping that this green customer might be tempted to buy at this advance upon the regular rate will you interrogated the stranger yes I'm half tempted to take you up I really believe I know I must knock over some wild turkeys first it won't do to come this far without bagging rarer game than wheat I believe I must decline friend what would you say to 91 the farmer had heard a rumor a day or two before of a fall of two or three cents in wheat and if he could get off 500 bushels upon this sportsman who had let the breast of his coat fly open far enough to give a glimpse of a large thick pocketbook at 91 it would be quite a desirable operation 91 91 said the stranger to himself that is a temptation I can turn a penny on that but the wild turkeys I must have a crack at a wild turkey or a deer I think friend he added speaking louder that I will have some sport in these parts for a few days first then maybe I'll buy up a few thousand bushels of wheat if the prices haven't gone up I shouldn't wonder if prices advanced a little said the farmer wouldn't you when the stranger looked into the farmer's face with a very innocent expression it can't go much lower if there should be any change it will doubtless be an improvement how much wheat have you asked the sportsman I have about a thousand bushels left a thousand bushels 90 cents 900 dollars and since talking to you has put me into the notion of trying my hand at a speculation on wheat I'll just make you an offer which you may accept or not just as you please I'll give you 90 cents cash for all you've got one half payable now and the other half on delivery of the wheat at the canal provided you get extra force and deliver it immediately aspirin stood thoughtful for a moment or two and then replied very well sir it's a bargain to save time we will close immediately I will go with you to your house and pay you 500 dollars on the whole bill for a thousand bushels the farmer had no objection to this of course and invited the stranger to go to his house with him where the 500 dollars were soon counted out for this amount of money he wrote a receipt and handed it to the stranger who after reading it said I would prefer you're making out a bill for a thousand bushels on account 500 dollars that may overrun that quantity said aspirin no matter a new bill can be made out for that I'll take all you have the farmer saw no objection to the form proposed by the stranger and therefore tore up the receipt he had written and made a bill out in the form desired well you commence delivering today inquired the sportsman who all at once began to manifest a marked degree of interest in the business inquired the farmer how many wagons have you two as it is downhill all the way to the canal they can easily take a hundred bushels each oh yes very well they can make two loads a piece today and by starting early three loads a piece on Monday which will transfer the whole thousand bushels to the canal I will go down immediately and see that a boat is ready to commence loading you can go to work at once the week was all delivered by Monday afternoon and the balance of the purchase money paid as Mr. Ashburn was riding home a neighbor who had noticed his wagons going past his house with wheat for the two days overtook him so I see friend Ashburn that like me you were content to take the first advance of the market instead of running the risk of a decline for a further rise in prices what did you get for your wheat I sold for ninety cents exclaimed the neighbor surely you didn't sell for that I certainly did I tried to get ninety two but ninety was the highest offer I could obtain ninety cents where would have come over you Ashburn wheat is selling for a dollar and twenty cents I've just sold five hundred bushels for that impossible ejaculated the farmer not at all impossible don't you know that by the last arrival from England have come accounts of a bad harvest and that wheat has taken a sudden rise no I don't know any such thing return to the astonished Ashburn well it's so where is your newspaper haven't you read it I got mine on Friday evening and saw the news early on Saturday morning I found two or three speculators ready to buy up all the wheat they could get at old prices but they didn't make many operations one fellow who pretended to be a fancy sportsman lost himself into my way but even if I had not known of a rise in the price of wheat I should have suspected it as soon as I saw him for I read last week of just such a looking chap as him having got ahead of some ignorant country farmers by buying up their produce on a sudden rise of the market at price much below its real value good day said Ashburn suddenly applying his whip to the flank of his horse and away dashed home at a full gallop the farmer never sat down to make a regular calculation of what he had lost by stopping his newspaper but it required no formality of pencil and paper to arrive at this a difference of thirty cents on each bushel made for a thousand bushels the important sum of three hundred dollars and this backed his mind instantly saw by the next mail he enclosed two dollars to the publishers of the post and reordered the paper he will doubtless think a good while and retrench at a good many points before he orders another discontinuance end of section three retracement of what a man saved by stopping his newspaper doctor said a man with a thin shallow countenance, pale lips and leaden eyes coming up to a counter of a drug store in Baltimore some ten years ago doctor I've been reading your advertisement about a universal restorer and bosom of life and if that Mr. John Johnson's testimony is to be relied on it ought to suit my case in describing his own sufferings he has exactly described mine but I've spent so much money in medicine to no purpose that I'm tired of being humbugged so if you'll just tell me where I can find Mr. Johnson I'll give him a call I'd like to know if he's a real flesh and blood man you don't mean to insinuate that I had forged a testimonial replied the man of medicine with some slight show of indignation oh no I don't insinuate anything at all doctor answered a pale looking man but I'd like to see this Mr. John Johnson and have a little talk with him you can do that if you'll take the trouble to call on him said the doctor in an offhand way where can I find him? asked the man he lives a little way out of town about three miles on the Frederick Turnpike ah so far yes go out until you come to the three milestone then keep on to the first road turning off to the right along which you will go about a quarter of a mile then you will see a brick house Mr. Johnson lives there the thin, shallow faced man bowed and retired as he left the store the doctor gave a low chuckle and then said half loud I guess he won't try to find this Mr. John Johnson but he was mistaken three hours afterwards the sick man entered the shop and thinking upon a chair with an expression of weariness said in a fretful tone well doctor I've been out where you said but no Mr. John Johnson lives there Mr. Johnson lives at the place to which I directed you said the doctor positively but the man shook his head you went out the Frederick Road to the three milestone yes and turn off at the first road on the left hand side you told me the right hand side said the man oh there's the mistake replied the doctor with the error of a man who had discovered a very material error by which an important result was affected I told you to turn off to the left I'm sure you said the right persisted the man impossible returned the doctor in a most confident tone of voice how could I have said the right hand side when I knew it was the left I know Mr. Johnson as well as I know my own brother and have been at his house hundreds of times I am almost sure you said the right persisted the man oh no you misunderstood me most positively answered the doctor well I must only try it again said the man languidly but shall have to defer the walk until tomorrow for I'm completely worn down you'd better try a bottle of the restorer said the doctor with a benevolent smile I know it will just suit your case Mr. Johnson looked worse than you do when he commenced taking it and three bottles made a wild man of him and the doctor held up a bottle of the restorer with its handsome label temptingly before the eyes of the sick man as ink as he did so it is only fifty cents I've been humbucked too often replied suspicious patron of patient medicine wandered now I'll see Mr. Johnson first well did you see Mr. Johnson asked the doctor with a pleasant smile and confident air as a testimonial hunter entered the shop the next day about noon no I did not was replied a little impatiently ah how comes that did you follow the directions I gave yes to the very letter then you must have found Mr. Johnson but I tell you I didn't it's very strange I can't understand it you turned off at the first road to the left after passing the third milestone I did two tall poplars stood at the gate which opened from the turnpike what gate the gate opening into the lane leading to Mr. Johnson's house I didn't turn off at any gate said the man I kept on as you directed to the first road that led off the turnpike you didn't mention anything about the gate I didn't suppose it necessary replied the doctor with a show of impatience the road is a road whether you enter it by a gate or in any other manner roads leading to gentlemen's country seats are not usually left open for every sort of ingress and aggress I don't wonder that you were unable to find Mr. Johnson I wish you'd give me a more particular direction said the invalid I'm nearly dead now with fatigue I'll try once more to find this man and if I don't turn him up I'll let the matter drop I don't believe your medicine will do me much good anyhow I'm sure it will help you replied the doctor I can tell from your very countenance that it is what you want hundreds affected as you are have been restored to health better take a bottle I want to see this Mr. Johnson first persisted the sick man get a carriage then this walking in the hot sun is too much for you can't afford to ride in carriages have spent all my money in doctor's stuff oh dear well you say this man lives just beyond the three miles stone at the first road leading off to the left yes two poplars stand at the gate yes I ought to find that said the man you can find it if you try return the doctor the man started off again plague on the persevering fellow muttered the man of drugs as soon as the invalid retired I wish I sent him six miles instead of three the day wore on but a testimonial hunter did not reappear early on the next morning however his pale, thin face and emaciated brows were visible in the shop of the quack doctor ah good morning good morning cried the letter with one of the most assured smiles in the word you found Mr. Johnson and pleasant of course confound you on Mr. Johnson too no replied the invalid impatiently the doctor was a man of great self-control and of course did not in the least become offended strange said he seriously you surely didn't follow my directions I surely did the first gate on the left hand side but your two tall poplars was one tall elm there it is again said the doctor in the fullness of his surprise actually at the small package that he held in his hand fall upon the counter I told you poplars distinctly the elm tree gate is at least a quarter of a mile this side but to settle the matter at once said the doctor speaking like a man who was about doing a desperate thing turned to his shelves and took there from a bottle of the universal restorer here's the medicine I know it will cure you take a bottle it shall cost you nothing the sick man tempted strongly by the hope of a cure hesitated for a short time and then said I don't want your stuff for nothing but half a dollar won't kill me so he drew a coin from his pocket laid it upon the counter and taking the medicine went slowly away rather a hard customer that said the doctor to himself with a chuckle as he slipped the money in his drawer but I'll take good care to send the next one like him a little farther on his fool's errand he had much better have taken my word for it in the beginning the sick man never came back for a second bottle of the restorer the first bottle killed or cured him is to the chronicler unknown end of chapter 4 section 5 of offhand sketches this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org offhand sketches by T.S. Arthur section 5 trying to be a gentleman the efforts which certain young men make on entering the world to become gentlemen is not a little amusing to sober thoughtful lookers on to become is not perhaps what is aimed at so much as to make people believe that they are gentlemen for if you should happen to insinuate anything to the contrary no matter how wide from the mark they go to receive summary punishment for your insolence one of these characters made himself quite conspicuous in Baltimore a few years ago his name was L and he hailed from Richmond we believe and built some consequence upon the fact that he was a son of the old dominion he dressed in the extreme of fashion spent a good deal of time strutting up and down market street switching his retain drink wines freely and pretended to be quite a judge of their quality swore round oaths occasionally and talked of his honor as a gentleman his knowledge of etiquette he obtained from books and was often quite as literal in his observance of prescribing modes and forms as was the Frenchman in showing off his skill in our idioms when he informed a company of ladies as an excuse for leaving them he had some fish to fry that he was no gentleman internally or externally was plain to everyone yet he verily believed himself to be one of the first water and it was a matter of constant care to preserve the reputation among those who were thrown into the society of this L was a young man named Briarley who had rather more basis to his character and who although he dressed well and moved in good society by no means founded there on his claim to be called a gentleman he never liked L because he saw that he had no principle whatsoever that all about him was mere sham the consequence was that he was hardly civil to him a circumstance which L was slow either to notice or resent it happened one day that the tailor of Briarley asked him if he knew anything about L not much replied Briarley why do you ask do you think him a gentleman how do you estimate a gentleman asked the young man a gentleman is a man of honor returned to the tailor very well then L must be a gentleman for he has a great deal to say about his honor I know he has but I find those who talk much of their honor don't as a general thing possess much to brag of then he talks to you of his honor oh yes and gives me his word as a gentleman does he always keep his word as a gentleman the tailor shrugged his shoulders not always he replied then I should say that the word of a gentleman isn't worth much smilingly remarked Briarley not the word of such broad cloth and buckram gentleman as he is take care what you say or you may find yourself called to account for using improper language about this gentleman we may have a duel on the carpet it would degrade him to fight with the tailor replied the man of shears so I may speak my mind with impunity but if he should challenge me I will refuse to fight him on the ground that he is no gentleman indeed how will you prove that every man must be permitted to have his own standard of gentility certainly I have mine well how do you measure gentility by my ledger a man who doesn't pay his tailor's bill I consider no gentleman if Elle sends me a challenge I will refuse to fight him on that ground good said Briarley laughing I am afraid if your standard were adopted that a great many who now pass themselves off for a gentleman would be held in little estimation it is the true standard nevertheless replied shears a man may try to be a gentleman as much as he pleases but if he don't try to pay his tailor's bill at the same time he tries in vain you may be right enough remarked Briarley a good deal amused the latter's motive estimating a gentleman and possessed of a new fact in regard to Elle's claim to the honorable distinction of which he so boasted shortly after this it happened that Elle made Briarley angry about something when the latter very unceremoniously took hold of the handle on the young man's face and moved his head around fortunately the body moved with the head or the consequences might have been serious there were plenty to assure Elle that for this insult he must if he wished to be considered a gentleman challenge Briarley and shoot him if he could several days elapsed before Elle's courage rose high enough to enable him to send the deadly missive by the hand of a friend meantime a wag of a fellow an intimate friend of Briarley's appeared in Market Street a rusty coat worn hat and well-mended but clean and whole trousers and vest friend after friend stopped him and in astonishment inquired the cause of this change he had but one answer in substance but we will give his own account of the matter as related to three or four young bucks in an oyster house where they happened to meet him Elle was of the number a patch on your elbow Tom live said one and here's another on your vest old fellow this is premeditated poverty better wear patched garments than old for new ones replied Tom with great sobriety bless us when did you turn economist ever since I tried to be a gentleman what ever since I tried to be a gentleman I may strut up and down Market Street in fine clothes I retan about talk nonsense to silly ladies swear and drink wine but if I don't pay my tailor I'm no gentleman nonsense was replied there was a general laugh but few of Tom's auditors felt very much flattered by his words no nonsense at all he said we may put on heirs of gentility most of independence and spirit and all that any kind of gentility that will let a man flourish about in a fine coat for which he owes his tailor Wyville has a large bill against me for clothes Grafton has another for boots and Cox another for hats I am trying to pay these off trying to become a gentleman then you don't consider yourself a gentleman now said one oh no I'm only trying to become a gentleman meekly replied Tom though a close observer could see a slight twitching in the corner of his mouth and a slight twinkle in the corner of his eye my honor is in pawn and will remain so until I pay these bills then I shall feel like holding up my head again and looking gentleman in the face the oddness of this concede and the boldness with which it was carried out attracted attention to the appeal of talk at the time a great many tailor's bills were paid in stanter that would not have been paid for months perhaps not at all in a few days however Tom appeared abroad again quite as handsomely dressed as before alleging that his uncle had taken compassion on him and out of admiration for his honest principles paid off his bills and made a gentleman of him once more to be sincere in all this it was looked upon as one of his wackish tricks intended to hit off someone or perhaps the whole class of fine tailor-made gentlemen who forget their benefactors while Tom was metamorphosed as stated Briarly was waited upon one day by a young man who presented him with a challenge to mortal combat from the insulted L and desired him to name his friend I cannot accept the challenge said Briarly promptly why not ask the second of L in surprise because your principle is no gentleman what is no gentleman coolly returned Briarly explain yourself sir if you please he doesn't pay his tailor he doesn't pay his bootmaker he doesn't pay his hatter he is therefore no gentleman and I cannot fight him you will be posted as a coward said the second fiercely in return for which I will post him as no gentleman and give the evidence replied Briarly I will take his place you will hear from me shortly said the second turning away be sure you don't owe your tailor anything for if you do I will not stoop to accept your challenge returned Briarly I will consider it prima facia the evidence that you are no gentleman I know Patterson very well and will in the meantime inform myself on the subject all this was said with the utmost gravity and with a decision of tone and manner that left no doubt of the intention the second withdrew an hour elapsed but no new challenge came days went by but no posters drew crowds at the corners gradually the matter got wind to the infinite amusement of such as happened to know el who was fairly driven from a city where it was no use trying to be a gentleman without paying his tailor's bill end of section 5 trying to be a gentleman recorded by Tom Barron this is section 6 of offhand sketches by T.S. Arthur recorded by Robert Parker of Story City, Iowa title is taking a prescription summer before last the time when cholera had poisoned the air a gentleman of wealth standing and intelligence from one of the southern or middle states while temporarily sojourning in Boston felt certain premonitory symptoms that were rather alarming all things considered so he inquired of the hotel keeper where he could find a good physician one of your best said he with an emphasis in his tones that showed how important was the matter in his eyes Dr. Blank stands at the head of his profession in our city returned the hotel keeper you may safely trust yourself in his hands thank you I will call upon him immediately said the gentleman and away he went the doctor fortunately as the gentleman mentally acknowledged was in his office the latter after introducing himself stated his case with some concern of manner when the doctor felt his pulse looked at his tongue and made sundry professional inquiries your system is slightly disturbed remarked the doctor after fully ascertaining the condition of his patient but I'll give you a prescription that will bring all right again in less than 24 hours and so he took out his pencil and wrote a brief prescription how much am I indebted doctor inquired the gentleman as he slipped the little piece of paper into his vest pocket five dollars for the consultation and prescription replied the doctor bowing cheap enough if I'm saved from an attack of cholera said the patient as he drew forth his pocket book and abstracted from its folds the required fee he then returned to the hotel and going to one of the clerks or barkeeper in the office said to him I wish you would send out and get me this prescription prescription why Mr. Blake are you sick returned the barkeeper I am not very well was answered what's the matter symptoms of the prevailing epidemic oh and you've been to see a doctor yes who doctor the barkeeper shrugged his shoulders as he replied good physician none better that all acknowledge but if you'll let me prescribe for you I'll put you all straight in double quick time what will you prescribe Andy said the gentleman I'll prescribe this and as he spoke he drew from under the counter a bottle labeled Mrs. Blank's cordial take a glass of that and you can throw your doctor's prescription into the fire you speak confidently Andy I do for I know it's the gentleman who had in his hand a prescription for which he had paid $5 to one of the most skillful and judicious physicians in New England strange as it may seem listened to this barkeeper and in the end actually destroyed the prescription and poured down his throat a glass of Mrs. Blank's cordial it is no matter of surprise that air ten o'clock in the evening the gentleman's premonitory symptoms which had experienced a temporary abatement assumed a more alarming character and now instead of going to he was obliged to send for a physician Dr. Blank whom he had consulted was called in and immediately recognized his patient of the morning I'm sorry to find you worse I did not in the least doubt the efficacy remedy I gave you but have you taken the prescription why no doctor stammered the half ashamed patient I confess that I did not I took something else something else what was it I thought a glass of Mrs. Blank's cordial would answer just as well you did and pray who prescribed for you said the doctor moving his chair instinctively from his patient and speaking in a rather excited tone of voice no one prescribed it I took it on the recommendation of the barkeeper downstairs who said that he knew it would cure me and you had my prescription in your pocket at the same time the prescription of a regular physician of 25 years practice set aside for a quack nostrum recommended by a barkeeper a fine compliment to common sense and the profession truly my friend if I must speak out plainly you deserve to die and I shouldn't much wonder if you got your desserts good evening saying this the doctor arose and was moving toward the door when the frightened patient called to him in such appealing tones that he was constrained to pause an humble confession of error and repeated apologies softened the physician's suddenly awakened anger then he came back and resumed his seat my friend said he on recovering his self-possession which had been considerably disturbed and you know the composition of Mrs. Nigel which you took with so much confidence I do not replied the gentleman well I can tell you about nine tenths of it is cheap brandy or New England rum which completely destroys or neutralizes the salutary mendicaments that form the tithe thereof I don't wonder that this stuff has aggravated all your symptoms I would give in your state of health about as leave take poison pray don't talk to me in that way doctor said the patient imploringly I am sick and what you say can only have the effect to make me worse I am already sufficiently punished for my folly prescribe for me once more and be assured that I will not again play the fool Dr. Blank's professional indignation had pretty well burned itself out by this time so he took up the case again and once more gave a prescription in a couple of days the gentleman was quite well again but that Mrs. Blank's cordial cost him twenty dollars he is now a little wiser than he was before and is very careful as to whose prescriptions he takes it would be better for the health of the entire community if every individual would be as careful in the same matter as he is now those who are sick should, error taking medicine consult a physician of experience and skill but above all things they should shun advertised nostrums in the sale of which the manufacturers and vendors are interested often testimonials as to their efficacy are mere forgeries health is too vital a thing to be risked in this way this is the end of offhand sketches section six by T.S. Arthur as recorded by Robert Parker of story city Iowa section seven of offhand sketches this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org offhand sketches by T.S. Arthur section seven the Yankee and the Dutchman or I'll give or take a shrewd Yankee with about five hundred dollars in his pocket came along down south a few years ago seeking for some better investment of his money he lingered in the land of steady habits where he found people as a general thing quite as wide awake as himself in Philadelphia our adventurer did not stay long but something in the air of Baltimore pleased him and he lingered about there for several weeks prying into everything and getting acquainted with everybody that was accessible among others for whom the Yankee seemed to take a liking was a Dutchman engaged in manufacturing an article for which there was a very good demand and on which there was a tempting profit he used to drop in almost every day and have a talk with the Dutchman who seemed like a good easy kind of a man and just the game for the Yankee if he should think it worth the candle why don't you enlarge your business ask Jonathan one day you can sell five times what you make I know his debt returned the Dutchman but I want the money wait a while then I enlarge then you are laying by something a little might in two or three days Jonathan came round again he had thought the matter all over and was prepared to invest his 500 in the Dutchman's business provided the latter had no objections it's a pity to creep along in the way you were going he said when so much money might be made in your business buy the investment of more capital can't you borrow a few hundred dollars me borrow oh no nobody lend me a few hundred dollars I go on save up buy me buy I enlarge but somebody else with plenty of money might go into business and fill the market and then it would be no use to enlarge sorry but can't help it no money no enlarge I've got five hundred dollars the phlegmatic Dutchman brightened up five hundred dollars yes much money do great business on five hundred dollars that you could you lend me the money asked the Dutchman Jonathan shook his head can't do that I'm going into business myself ah what business don't know yet haven't decided into your business maybe my business the Dutchman looked surprised yes it appears to me like a very good business don't you think I could start very fair on five hundred dollars the Dutchman hesitated to answer that question he didn't want to say yes and he was conscious that the Yankee knew too much of his affairs to believe him if he said no he therefore merely shrugged his shoulders looked stupid and remained silent you don't know of a large room that I could get anywhere do you the Dutchman shook his head and gave a decided negative Jonathan said no more on that occasion two days afterwards he dropped in again if you found the room yet asked the Dutchman I've seen two or three replied Jonathan one of them will suit me I guess but I'll tell you what I've been thinking about since I saw you if I open another establishment the business will be divided now it has struck me that perhaps it might be better all round for me to put my five hundred dollars into your business as a partner and push the whole thing with might and may how does that strike you well I can't say just now I'll think of him you put in five hundred dollars you say yes five hundred down in hard cash every dollar in gold five hundred let us see and the Dutchman raised his chin and dropped his eyes and stood for some minutes in a deep study five hundred he repeated several times come tomorrow he said at length then I tell you very well I'll drop in tomorrow replied the Yankee I'm not very anxious about it you see but as the thing occurred to me I thought I would mention it five hundred dollars will make a great difference on the next day Jonathan appeared looking quite indifferent about the matter the Dutchman had turned over the proposition and dreamed about it both sleeping and waking his final decision was to take in the Yankee as a partner now a cool thoughtful Dutchman and a quick-witted Yankee are not a very bad match for each other provided the former sees reason to have his wits about him which was the case in the present instance the Dutchman met all fair he had no thought of taking any advantage but he had suspicion enough of Jonathan to put him on his guard and looked to see that no high-handed game was played off upon him you put in five hundred dollars he said when the Yankee appeared yes hard cash yes in gold gold all in half eagles like these and he drew a handful of gold coins very well I take you you put in five hundred dollars I put in all I got here then we joined owner equal partners yes that is I own half and you own half yes and we divide equally the profits yes very well that'll do I guess we'll have writings drawn to this effect articles of co-partnership you know oh yes this settled nothing remained but to have the articles drawn the money paid in and the agreement signed and witnessed all of which was done in the course of a few weeks then Jonathan went into the business and infused some Yankee spirit into every part of it he made things move ahead fast in less than a year the business was much more than doubled and the profits in proportion thus Jonathan was not satisfied with his half of these and hedgehog like he did all he could by merely bristling up to make things unpleasant for his partner but the Dutchman was by no means then skinned the sharp spikes of the Yankees character annoyed him but little as for himself he felt very well satisfied with his share of the profits and willing to go on as they were going at the end of the second year when the establishment had grown into quite important and profitable concern the Yankee had a visit from an Eastern friend a man of some capital that's a stupid looking fellow that partner of yours said this person and he is as stupid as a Mew I have to carry him on my back in the business too why don't you get rid of him I've been wanting to do so for some time but haven't seen my way clear yet did your partnership expire at any time by limitation no it can only be dissolved by mutual consent won't he sell out his interest I don't know but I've always intended to make him an offer to give or take as soon as I could see my way clear to do it don't you see your way clear now no when such an offer is made it must be of a sum that it is impossible for him to raise otherwise he might agree to give the amount proposed and I don't want that I wish to stick to the business where it's going to be a fortune at present I am not able to raise what I think should be offered how much is that about three thousand dollars I only put in five hundred two years ago you can see how the business has increased the half is worth five thousand in reality and I would give that sum you think your partner can't raise three thousand dollars oh no he's got no friends and he hasn't three hundred out of the business how long would you want the sum mentioned a year or eighteen months I recognize can supply it said the friend it's a pity for you to be tied to this old Dutchman when you can conduct the business just as well yourself and better he is only in my way very well you make him the offer to give or take three thousand dollars and I will supply the money but you walk by all means to add a stipulation that whoever goes out shall sign a written agreement not to go into the same business for at least ten years to come if you don't do this he can take his three thousand dollars and start another establishment upon as large a scale as the one seriously affect your operations such a stipulation must be signed of course remarked Jonathan I've always had that in my mind let me once get this business into my hands and I'll make it pay better than it ever has yet before ten years roll over my head if I ain't worth forty or fifty thousand dollars then I don't know anything you think it will pay like that yes I know it I haven't put out half my strength yet for I didn't want to let this Dutchman see what could be made of the business he'll catch it three thousand dollars like a trout at a fly it's more money than he ever saw in his life on the next day Jonathan told his partner that he wanted to have some talk with him so they retired into their little private office to be alone but you want said the Dutchman when they were by themselves for he saw that his partner had something on his mind of grave or import unusual I'm tired of a co-partnership business at the Yankee coming straight to the main point well and the Dutchman looked at him without betraying the least surprise either of us could conduct this business as well as both together well now I propose to buy you out or sell you my interest as you please well what will you give me for my half of the business I'll go with something else the Dutchman shook his head add a word then to make the matter as simple as possible and as fair as possible I'll tell you what I'll give or take well of course it would not be fair for the one who goes out to commence the same business I would not do it there should be a written agreement to this effect just well what will you give or take I'll give or take $3,000 I don't care which $3,000 you give that yes or take that either you pay down to Monish cash down $3,000 me think about him how long do you want to think until the morning very well we'll settle the matter tomorrow morning in the morning Jonathan's friend $3,000 in order to pay the Dutchman right down and have the whole business concluded while the matter was warm meantime the Dutchman who was not quite so friendless nor so stupid as the Yankees opposed turned the matter over in his mind very coolly he understood Jonathan's drift as clearly as he understood it himself and was fully as well satisfied as he was in the regard to the future value of the business which he had founded two of their largest customers were Germans and to them he went and made a full statement of his position and gave them evidence that entirely satisfied them as to the business without hesitation they agreed to advance him the money he wanted and to enable him to strike while the iron was hot checked him out the money on the next morning one of them accompanied him to his manufactory to be a witness in the transaction Jonathan and his friend were first on the spot in about 10 minutes the Dutchman and his friend arrived well have you made up your mind yet asked the Yankee the one who goes out is not to begin in the same business certainly not it wouldn't be fair no I suppose not suppose we draw up a paper and sign it to that effect before we go any farther well John signed and witnessed by the friends of both parties you are prepared to give or take said Jonathan with the same eagerness in his manner yes well which will you do I will give coolly replied to Dutchman give echoed the Yankee taken entirely by surprise had so unexpected a reply give you mean take I no means take I means give here is the money and he drew forth a large roll of bank bills you say give or take I say give with the best face it was possible to put up on the matter Jonathan who could not back out took the $3,000 and for the sum signed away on the spot all right title and claim to benefit in the business from that day henceforth and forever with his $3,000 in his pocket the Yankee handed it off farther south vowing that if he lived to be as old as Methuselah he'd never have anything to do with the Dutchman again end of section 7 recording by Tom Barron section 8 of offhand sketches this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Michael Evans offhand sketches by T.S. Arthur section 8 a tipsy parson in a village not a hundred miles from Philadelphia resided the Reverend Mr. Manlius who had the pastoral charge of a very respectable congregation and was highly esteemed by them but there was one thing in which he did not give general satisfaction and in consequence of which many excellent members of his church felt seriously scandalized he would neither join a temperance society nor omit his glass of wine when he felt inclined to take it it is only fair to say however that such spiritous indulgences were not a frequent occurrence it was more the principle of the thing as he said that he stood upon than anything else that prevented his signing a temperance pledge sundry were the attacks both open and secret to which the Reverend Mr. Manlius was subjected and many were the discussions into which he was drawn by the advocates of total abstinence his motive argument was very summary I would know more sign a pledge not to drink brandy than I would sign a pledge not to steal was the position he took I wish to be free to choose good or evil and to act right because it is wrong to do otherwise I do not find fault with others for signing a pledge nor for abstaining from wine I think it right it is right for them but as for myself I would cut off my right hand before I would bind myself by mere external restraint my bonds are internal principles I intemperate because intemperance is sin for men who have abused their freedom and so far lost all rational control over themselves that they cannot resist the insane spirit of intemperance the pledge is all important sign it I say but do not sign it because this that or the other temperate man has signed it but because you feel it to be your only hope do it for yourself and do it if you are the only man in the world who acts thus to sign because another man whom you think more respectable has signed will give you little or no strength you must do it for yourself and because it is right the person was pretty ready with the tongue and rarely came off second best his opponents dragged him into a controversy although his arguments were called by them when he was not present mere fustian his love for wine and brandy is at the bottom of all this hostility to the temperate's cause was boldly said of him by individuals in and out of his church but especially were the members of other churches severe upon him he'll turn out a drunkard said one I shouldn't be surprised to see him staggering in the streets before two years said another he does more harm to the temperate's cause than ten drunkards alleged a third while others said isn't it scandalous he's a disgrace to his profession he pretend to have religion a minister indeed and so the charges rang all this time Mr. Manley has firmly maintained his ground taking his glass of wine whenever it suited him at last after the occurrence of a dinner party given by a family of some note in the place at which the minister was present and at which wine was circulated freely a rather scandalous report got abroad and soon went buzzing all over the village a young man who made no secret of being fond of his glass and who was at the dinner party met on the day after a very warm advocate of temperance and a member of a different denomination from that in which Mr. Manley was a minister and said to him rock gravity we had a rara avi said our dinner party yesterday Perkins indeed what wonderful thing was that a tipsy person a what the man's eyes became instantly almost as big as saucers a tipsy person who mr. Manley's was eagerly inquired I didn't say so I call no names he was present I know and drank wine I am told like a fish I wasn't aware before that fishes drank wine said the man gravely it was manly as wasn't it urged the other I call no names was repeated all I said was that we had a tipsy person and so we had I'll prove it before a jury of a thousand if necessary it's no more than I expected said the temperance man he's a mere wine biber at best he pretend to preach the gospel I wonder he isn't struck dead in the pulpit the moment his informant had left him Perkins started forth to communicate the astounding intelligence that mr. Manley has had been drunk on the day before and mr. resize dinner party from lip to lip the scandal flew with little less than electric quickness it was all over the village by the next day some doubted some denied but the majority believed the story it was so likely to be true this occurred near the close of the week and Sunday arrived before the powers that be in the church were able to confer upon the subject and cite the minister to appear and answer for himself on the scandalous charge of drunkenness there was an unusual number of vacant pews during service both morning and afternoon Monday came and early in the day a committee of two deacons waited upon mr. Manley's and informed him of the report in circulation and of their wish that he would appear before them on the next afternoon to give an account of himself as the church deemed the matter far too serious to be passed lightly over the minister was evidently a good deal surprised and startled at this but he neither denied the charge nor attempted any palliation merely saying that he would attend of course it's plain that he's guilty said deacon jones deacon Todd as they walked with sober faces away from the minister's dwelling plain yes it's written in his face returned deacon Todd so much for opposing temperance reforms and drinking wine it's a judgment upon him but what a scandal to our church said deacon jones yes think of that he must be suspended and not restored until he signs the pledge I don't believe he'll ever do that why not he says he would cut off his right hand first people are very fond of cutting off their right hand you know my word for it this will do the business for him he will be glad enough to get the matter washed up easily I shall go for suspending him until he signs the pledge I don't know but that I will go with you if he signs the pledge he's safe and so the two deacons settled the matter on the next day in grave council assembled were all the deacons of the church besides sundry individuals who had come as the minister's friends or accusers Perkins who had put the report in circulation was there at the special request of one of the deacons who had ascertained that he had as much or a little more to say in the matter than anyone Perkins was called upon rather unexpectedly to answer one or two questions immediately on the opening of the meeting but as he was a stanched temperance man and cordially despised the minister he was bold to reply Mr. Perkins said the presiding deacon as far as we can learn this scandalous charge originated with you I will therefore ask you did you say that the reverend Mr. Manlius was drunk at Mr. Reside's dinner party I did was the unhesitating answer were you present at Mr. Reside's no sir did you see Mr. Manlius coming from the house intoxicated no what evidence then have you of the truth of your charge we have conversed this morning with several who were present and all say that they observed nothing out of the way in Mr. Manlius on the occasion of which you speak this is a serious matter and we should like to have your authority for a statement so injurious to the reputation of the minister and the cause of religion my authority is Mr. Burton who was present did he tell you that Mr. Manlius was intoxicated he said there was a drunken minister there and Mr. Manlius I have ascertained was the only clergyman present was that so as the deacon of an individual who was at Mr. Reside's Mr. Manlius was the only clergyman there was replied then said Perkins if there was a drunken minister there it must have been Mr. Manlius I can draw no other inference can Mr. Burton be found was now asked an individual immediately volunteered to go in search of him in half an hour he was produced as he entered the grave assembly he looked around with great composure upon the array of solemn faces and eyes intently fixed upon him he did not appear in the least abashed you were at Mr. Reside's last week at a dinner party I believe said the presiding deacon I was did you see Mr. Manlius intoxicated on that occasion Mr. Manlius good heavens know I can testify upon oath that he was as solemn as a judge who says that I made so scandalous an allegation Burton appeared to grow strongly excited so cried Perkins in a loud voice you say so and pray upon what authority upon the authority of your own words never but you did tell me so Perkins was much excited when on the day after the dinner party don't you remember what you said to me oh yes perfectly that you had a drunken minister at dinner no I never said that but you did I can be qualified to it I said we had a tipsy parson and pray what is the difference at the words tipsy parson the minister burst into a loud laugh and so did two or three others who had been at Mr. Reside's the grave deacon in the chair looked around with frowning wonder at such indecorum and felt that especially ill timed was the levity of the minister I do not understand this he said with great gravity I can explain it remarked an individual rising as I happen to be at Mr. Reside's and I know all about the tipsy parson the cook of our kind hostess in her culinary ingenuity furnished a dessert which she called tipsy parson made I believe by soaking sponge cake in brandy and pouring a custard over it it is therefore true as our friend Burton has said that there was a tipsy parson at the table but as to the drunken minister Perkins I know nothing never before in a grave and solemn assembly of deacons was there such a sudden and universal burst of laughter such a holding of sides and vibration of bodies as followed this unexpected speech in the midst of the confusion and noise Perkins quietly retired he has been known ever since in the village much to his chagrin and scandalization he being still a warm temperance man as the tipsy parson there goes the tipsy parson he hears said as he passes along the street a dozen times a week and he is now seriously inclined to leave the village in order to escape the ridicule his overzealous effort to blast the minister's reputation has called into existence as for the reverend Mr. Manlyus he often tells the story and laughs over it as hardly as anyone end of section 8 a tipsy parson