Book 5, Chapter 7 of the Heavenly Twins. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Heavenly Twins by Sarah Grand. Book 5, Chapter 7. Angelica awoke, unrefreshed, after a few hours of light and restless sleep, much broken by dreams. Dead, dead was the first thought in her mind, but it came unaccompanied by any feeling. Is Israel Phil really dead, buried, gone from us all forever? She asked herself in a kind of wonder. He was not thought of his death, she was wondering, however, but because the recollection of it did not move her in any way. Reflections which had caused her the sharpest misery only yesterday recurred to her now without affecting her in the least degree, except in that they made her feel herself to be a kind of monster of callousness, coldness, and egotism. The lonely, grave-looking, deserted already, with the rain bespattered, mud-bedragal flowers fading upon it, the man himself as she had known him, his goodness, his kindness, the disinterested affection he had lavished upon her. She dwelt upon these things she wracked her brain to recall them in order to reawaken her grief and remorse, but in vain. Mind and memory responded to the effort, but her own heart she could not touch. The acute stage was over for the moment, and a most distressing numbness, attended by a sense of chilliness, and general physical discomfort had succeeded it. The rims of her eyes were red and the lids still swollen by the tears of the day before, but the state of weeping with the nervous energy and mental excitement which had been the first consequence of the shock was a happy one compared with the dry inhuman apathy of this, and she strove to recall it, but only succeeded in adding the old sensation of discontent with everything as it is, and nothing is worthwhile to her already deep depression. She loved order and regularity in a household, but now the very thought of the old accustomed dull routine of life at the castle exasperated her. After her grandfather would come her uncle, and after him in all human probability Diavola would succeed, and there would be a long succession of solemn servants each attending to the same occupations which had been carried on by other servants in the same place for hundreds of years. Horrible monotony, all tending to nothing, for she saw as in a vision the end of the race to which she belonged. They in their like were doomed, and with them the distinguished bearing, the hybrid reserve, the refined simplicity and dignity of manner, which had held them above the common herd, the class apart until she came, were also doomed. I am of the day, she said to herself, the vulgar outcome of a vulgar error, bred so I suppose that I may see through others which is to me the means of self-defense. I see that in this dispute of womanly or unwomanly the question to be asked is not, what is the pursuit, but what are the proceeds? No social lawmaker ever said, catch me letting a woman into anything that pays. He was left for me to translate the principle into the vernacular. She breakfasted upstairs so that she might not have to talk, but went down immediately afterward in order to find somebody to speak to. So rapid were the alternations of her moods. It was not in Angelica's nature to conceal anything she had done from her friends for long. Before she had been 24 hours at the castle, she had taken her aunt Claudia and the lady known to them all intimately as ideala into her confidence, but neither of them attempted to improve the occasion. They said even less than her uncle had done in this reticence perplexed Angelica. She would have liked them to make much of her wickedness to have reasoned with her, lectured her, and incited her to argue. She did not perceive as they did that she was one of those who must work out their own salvation in fear and trembling, and she was angry with them because they continued their ordinary avocations as if nothing had happened when everything had gone so wrong with her. The weary day dragged it slow, length along a walk about the ground, slunching a long drive, calling it the over-thorpe on the way back for letters, afternoon tea with her grandfather in the Oriole Room, and afterward the accustomed wait with bowed head for the chime which floated up at last from afar, distinct, solemn, slow, and weary like the voice of one who vainly repeats a blessed truth to ears that will not hear. Her grandfather raised his velvet cap and held it above his bald head while he repeated the words aloud after which he muttered a prayer for the restoration of holy church, then rose and leaning heavily on his ebony stick walked from the room with the springless step of age accompanied by his daughter Claudia and his son, and followed by two dear hounds, old and faithful friends, who seldom left him. When the door closed upon this little procession, Angelica found herself alone with her aunt Lady Fulda, to whom she had not spoken since the day before. They were sitting near to each other, Angelica being in the window from whence she had looked down upon the treetops and the distant city while they waited for the chime, the melancholy cadence of which had added something to the chill misery of her mood. Do you still believe it? she asked ironically and then felt as if she were always asking that question in that tone. Lady Fulda had also looked about as she listened but now she left the window and taking a seat opposite to Angelica, answered bravely, her face sliding up as she spoke, I do believe it.  Angelica asked defiantly, why did he create such a man at all merely to kill him? Wouldn't a commoner creature have done as well? We are not told that any creature is common in his sight. Lady Fulda answered gently, but suppose they were, would a common creature have produced the same effect upon you? Do you mean to say you think he was created to please me? Oh no, not that, Lady Fulda hastily interposed and Angelica perceiving that she had at last found somebody who would kindly improve the occasion, turned round from the window and settled herself for a fray. And I don't mean Lady Fulda pursued, I dare not presume to question, but still, oh I must say it, your heart has been very hard. Would anything but death have touched you so? Had not every possible influence been vainly tried before that to soften you?   You cannot think with all your skepticism that such a man has lived and died for nothing, you must have some knowledge or idea of the consequences of such a life and such a world of the influence for good of a great talent employed as his was, the one as an example and the other as a power to inspire and control. Angelica did not attempt to answer this and there was a pause, then she began again, I did grasp something of what you mean, I saw for a moment the beauty of holiness and the joy of it continued with me for a little, then I went to tell Israfil, I was determined to be true and I should have been true had I not lost him, but now my heart is harder than ever and I shall be worse than I was before. Oh no, her aunt exclaimed you are deceiving yourself, if you had found him there that day your good resolutions would only have lasted until you had bound him to you, enslaved him and then although you would have carefully avoided breaking the letter of the law, you would have broken the spirit, you would have tried to fascinate him and bring him down to your own level, you would have made him loathe himself and then you would have mocked him, like the evil-minded heroine of a railway novel Angelica began, then added doggedly, you wrong me aunt Fulda, there is no one whose respect I've valued more, there's nothing in right or reason I would not have done to win it, that is to say if there had been anything I could have done, but I do not think now that there was. This last depressing thought brought about another of those rapid revolutions of feeling to which he had been subject during these latter days and she broke off for a moment then burst out afresh to just the opposite effect, I do not know though, I'm not sure of anything, probably you are right and I deceived myself, I inherit bad principles from my ancestors and it may be that I can no more get rid of them than I could get rid of the gout or any other hereditary malady by simply resolving to cure myself, it is different with you, you were born good, I was born bad in delight in my wickedness, Angelica, her aunt remonstrated, do not talk in that reckless way. Well I exaggerate, Angelica allowed bearing again as the wind does in squally weather before it sets steadily from a single quarter, but what have I done after all that you should take me to task so seriously? Wrong certainly, but still I have not broken a single commandment, not one of the decalogue perhaps, but you have sinned against the whole spirit of uprightness, as it never occurred to you that you may keep the Ten Commandments strictly and yet be a most objectionable person, you might smoke, drink, listen at doors, repeat private conversations, open other people's letters pry amongst their papers be vulgar and offensive in conversation and indecent in dress altogether detestable if your code of morality were confined to the Ten Commandments, but why will you talk like this Angelica, why will you be so defiant when your heart is breaking as I know it is? Angelica hit her face in her hands with one dry sod that made her whole frame quiver, oh do not be so hard, the other woman implored, listen to your own heart, listen to all that is best in yourself, you have good impulses enough, I know you have and you have been called to the higher life more than once, but you would not hear. Yes, thoughtfully, but it is no use, no help, I never profit by experiences because I don't object to things while they are happening, it is only after work when all the excitement is over and I've had time to reflect that I've become dissatisfied and she threw herself back in her easy chair, crossed one leg over the other so as to display a fair amount of slender foot and silk cloaked stocking as it is the elegant fashion of the day to do, clasp her hands behind her head and fix her eyes on the ceiling being evidently determined to let the subject drop. Lady folder compressed her lips, she was baffled and she was perplexed, a quarter rang from the city clocks, do you know she began again, I have a fancy, many people have that a time comes to us all, an hour when we are called upon to choose between good and evil, it is a quarter since we heard the chime, only a quarter Angelica ejaculated, it seems an age, but suppose this is your hour, Lady folder patiently pursued, one precious quarter of it has gone already and still you harden your heart, you are asked to choose now, you are called to the higher light, you must know that you are being called especially this moment and what if it should be for the last time, what if after this you are deprived of the power to choose and forced by that which is evil in you to wander away from all that is good and pure and pleasant into the turmoil and trouble, the falseness, the illusion and the maddening unrest of the other life, you know it all, you can imagine what it would be when that last loophole of escape upon which we all rely perhaps unconsciously was closed, when you knew you never could return, when you came to be shut out from hope, a prey to remorse, a tired victim compelled to pursue excitement and always to pursue it, descending all the time and finding it escape you more and more till at last even that hateful resource was lost to you and you found yourself at the end of the road to perdition, a worn out woman face to face with despair. Angelica slowly unclasped her hands from behind her head, let her chin sink on her chest and looked up from under her eyebrows at her aunt, her eyes were bright, but otherwise her face was as still as a statue and what she thought or felt it was impossible to say, it is idle to talk of choice, she answered coldly, I had chosen, honestly I told you, you see what has come of it, forgive me, said Lady Folder, but you had not chosen honestly, you had not chosen the better life to lead it for its own sake, but for his, you wanted to bring yourself nearer to him and you would have made goodness a means to that end if you could, but you see it was not the right way and it is not succeeded, Angelica set up and the doll looked left her face, she seemed interested, you see through all my turpitude, she observed affecting to smile, although in truth she was more moved than her pride would allow her to show, her aunt's side seeing no sign of softening, she feared it was labor lost, but still she felt impelled to try once more before she renounced the effort, she was nervous about it however being naturally diffident and hesitated trying to collect her thoughts and in the interval the evening shadows deepened, the half hour chime from the city clocks and then she spoke, just think, she said sadly, just think what it will be when you have gone from here this evening, if you carry out your determination and return after dinner, just think what it will be when you find yourself alone again in that great house with the night before you and your aching heart and your bitter thoughts and the remorse which gnaws without ceasing for companions and not one night of it only, but all the years to come and every phase of it from the sharp pain of this moment to the dull discontent in which it ends and from which nothing on earth will rouse you, think of yourself then without comfort and without hope, Angelica changed her position uneasily, you still hesitate, Lady Fulda continued, you are loath to commit yourself, you would rather not choose, you prefer to believe yourself a puppet at the mercy of a capricious demon who moves you this way and that as the idol fancy seizes him, but you are no puppet, you have the right of choice, you must choose and having chosen, if you look up the power divine will be extended to you to support you or but either way your choice will at once become a force for good or evil, she ended abruptly and then there was another long pause, Angelica's mind was alive to everything to the rustle of summer foliage far below, to the beauty of the woman before her, to the power of her presence, to the absolute integrity which was so impressive in all she said, to her hybrid simplicity, to the grace of her attitude at that moment as she sat with an elbow on the arm of her chair, covering her eyes with one white hand, to the tearless turmoil in her own breast, the sense of suffering not to be relieved, the hopeless ache, was there any way of escape from herself, her conscience whispered one, but was there only one, the struggle of the last few days had recommenced, was it to go on like this forever and ever, over and over again, what a prospect, and oh to be able to end it, somehow, anyhow, oh for the courage to choose, but she must choose, she knew that, Aunt Falda was right, her hour had come, the momentous question had been asked and it must be answered once for all, if she should refuse to take the hand held out to help her now, where would she drift to eventually, should she end by consorting with people like, and she thought of an odious woman, or come to be talked of at clubs named lightly by low men, and she thought of some specimens of that class, but why should she arrive at any decision, why should she feel compelled to adopt a several plan of action, why could she not go on as she had done hitherto, was there really no standing still, were people really rising or sinking always doing good or evil, why no for what harm had she done, quick answering to the question with the pang, the rush of recollection caught her, and again the vow made and forgotten for the moment, as soon as made, burned in her heart, Israfil, Israfil only forgive me and I will be true, she did not wait to think again, the mere repetition was a renewal of her vow, and in the act she had unconsciously decided, slipping from her chair to the ground, she laid her head on Lady Falda's lap, I wish I could be sure of myself, she said, sighing deeply, you must help me Aunt Falda, now the dear Lord help you, was the soft reply, and almost at the same moment the city clocks began to strike, and they both raised their heads involuntarily waiting for the chime, it rang at last with a new significance for Angelica, the hour was over which had been her hour, a chapter of her life had closed with it forever, and when she looked up then she found herself in another world wherein she would walk henceforth with other eyes to better purpose. In the book five, chapter seven, book five, chapter eight of the heavenly twins, this is a LibriVox recording, all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain, for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org, the heavenly twins by Sarah Grand, book five, chapter eight. Angelica drove back to Ilver Thorpe alone directly after dinner and went straight to bed, she slept from 10 o'clock that night till the next morning and awoke to the consciousness that the light of day was garish, that she herself was an insignificant trifle on the face of the earth and that everything was unsatisfactory. Now had I been the heroine of our story, she said to herself, it would have been left to the reader's imagination to suppose that I remain forever in the state of blissful exaltation up to which Aunt Falda wound me by her eloquence yesterday. Here I am already, however, with my intentions still set fair I believe, but in spirit oh so flat, a siphon of soda water from which the gas has escaped. Well I suppose it must be recharged, that is all. Oh dear, I am so tired. Just five minutes more. Angelica dear, take five minutes more.  I'm glad I'm the mistress and not the maid. Am I though?  Live for others. Here, however, thought halted, grew confused, seized altogether for an imperceptible interval and was then succeeded by vivid dreams. She fancied that she had wavered in her new resolutions and gone back to her old idea. If the conditions of life were different, she would be different in spirit and in truth instead of only in outward seeming as now appeared to be the case. She was doing no good in the world. Her days were steeped in idleness. Her life was being wasted. Surely it would be a creditable thing for her to take her violin and make it what it was intended to be, a delight to thousands. Such genius as hers was never meant for the benefit of a little circle only but for the world at large. In all, she wanted was to fulfill the end and object of her being by going to work. She said so to Mr. Kilroy and he made no objection which surprised her for always hitherto he had expressed himself strongly on the subject even to the extent of losing his temper on one occasion. Now however he heard her in silence with his eyes fixed on the floor and when she said her say he uttered not a word but just rose from his seat with a deep sigh almost a groan and a look of weariness and perplexity in his eyes that smote her to the heart and slowly left the room. I make his life a burden to him she said to herself I can do nothing right I wish I was dead I do and then she followed him to the library. He was sitting at his writing table with his arms folded upon it and his face bowed down and hidden on them and he did not move when she entered. The deep dejection of his attitude frightened her she hastened to him knelt down beside him and putting her arms around his neck drew him toward her and then he looked at her trying to smile but a more miserable face she had never beheld. Oh daddy daddy she cried remorsefully I didn't mean to vex you I'll never play in public as long as I live there I promise you I don't wish you to make rash promises he answered hoarsely but if you could care for me a little daddy dear I do care for you I do indeed she protested I'd like to know you are here I'd like to be able to come to you when whenever I like I cannot do without you if anything happened to you the shock of such a dreadful possibility awoke her she was less refreshed than she had been when she first opened her eyes that morning but she sprang out a bit in an instant the blinds were up and the windows open as usual the sun had spun round to the south and now streamed hotly in making her feel belated. Elizabeth she called and went to the bell and rang in standing a moment when she had done so looking down as if to consider the blurred reflection of her bare white feet on the polished floor but only for an instant for the paramount feeling that possessed her was one of extreme haste the painful impression of that dream was still vividly present with her and she wanted to do something but what precisely she did not wait to ask herself as soon as she was dressed one duty after another presented itself as usual and equally as usual with her in her own house was carefully performed so that she was fully occupied until lunchtime but after lunch she ordered the carriage and drove into morning quest to do some shopping for the household this task accomplished she intended to return but as she passed the station the recollection of a dream of her husband's bowed head of the utter misery in his face when he looked up at her of the pain in his voice when he spoke and the effort he made in his kindly way to control it so that he might not hurt her with an implied approach when he said if you could care for me a little dear daddy always so tender for her always so kindly forbearing what a clock was it the london express would go out in five minutes it was the train he had gone by himself last time how could she let him go alone stop at the station ride a line to elizabeth please pack up my things and follow me to town immediately give me a ticket quick here's the train in off thank heaven angelica threw herself back in the center seat of the compartment and closed her eyes the hurry and excitement of action suited her her lips were smiling and her cheeks were flushed there was a young man seated opposite to her who stared so persistently that at last she became aware of his admiring gaze and immediately despised him although why she should despise him for admiring her she could not have told when he had left the carriage a charming looking old quaker lady who was then the only other passenger addressed angelica and the quaint grammar of her sec are the traveling alone dear child yes angelica answered with the affable smile and intonation for which the heavenly twins were noted doubtless there are plenty of friends to meet the at that journey zen the lady suggested responding sympathetically to angelica's pleasantness plenty said angelica not to mention my husband when she had said it she felt proud for the first time since her marriage because she had a husband ah the lady ejaculated somewhat sadly well she added betraying her thought in these sad days the sooner a young girl has the strong arm of a good man to protect her the better then she folded her hands and turned her placid face to the window angelica looked at her for a little wondering at the delicate pink and white of her withered cheek and becoming aware of our tune at the same time set to the words a good man a good man by the thundering throbbing crank as they sped along daddy was a good man suppose she lost him nobody belonged to her as he did suppose she lost him there was nobody else in the world to whom she could go by right as she was going to him nobody else in whom she had such perfect confidence nobody on whose devotion to herself she could rely as she did on his she was all the world to him a good man a good man suppose suppose she lost him the sudden dread gripped her heart painfully it was not death she feared but that worse loss a change in his affection he was a simple upright honorable man what would he say if he knew but need he ever know the question was answered as soon as asked for angelica felt in her heart that she could bear to lose him and live alone better than be beside him with that invisible barrier of a deception always between them to keep them apart it was a need of her nature to be known for what she was exactly to those with whom she lived the train drew up at the terminus and the moment she moved she was again conscious of that terrible feeling of haste which had beset her more or less the whole day long no one to meet thee the quicker lady said no i'm not expected angelica answered with her hand on the handle of the door i'm a bad wife in a state of repentance going to give a good husband an unpleasant surprise she sprang from the carriage hasten across the platform and got into a handsome telling the man to drive quick quick on arriving at the house she entered and announced after some little opposition from a new man servant who did not know her by sight and was evidently inclined to believe her to be an imposter bent on pillage this check on the threshold caused her to feel deeply humiliated her husband happened to be crossing the hall at the time but he went on without noticing the arrival at the door and she followed him to his study unconscious of her presence he passed into the room before her with a heavy step and as she noted this it seemed to her that she saw him now for the first time as he really was a good figure and quiet and demonstrative manners faultlessly dressed distinguished in appearance upon the whole if not actually handsome a man of position of means accustomed to social consideration as was evident by his bearing and not old as she was wanting to think him what difference did 20 years make at their respective ages no not all but unhappy and lonely for if she did not care to be with him who would her heart smother and she stepped forward impetuously anxious above everything to make amends daddy she gasped grasping his arms startled mr. kilroy turned round and looked down into her face incredulously is a you angelica he faulted is anything the matter dear then suddenly his whole being changed a glad light came into his eyes making him look years younger and he was about to take her in his arms but she coldly repulsed him acting on one of two impulses the other being to respond to cling close to him to say something loving there's nothing the matter she began i thought i should like to come back to you at least recollecting herself that isn't true but i do wish i had never separated myself from you in any way i do wish i'd been different and she threw herself into a low easy leather lined arm chair and leaned back looking up to him with appealing eyes mr. kilroy's pride and affection made him nicely observant of any change in angelica but still he was at a loss to understand this new freak and her manner alarmed him i am afraid you are not well he said anxiously she sat up restlessly then threw herself back in the chair once more and lay there with her chin on her chest in an utterly dejected attitude not looking up even when she spoke oh i'm well thank you she said quite well then something has annoyed you he went on kindly tell me what it is dear child i'm the proper person to come to when things go wrong you know so tell me all about it i i he hesitated she so often snubbed any demonstration of affection that he shrank from expressing what he felt but another look at her convinced him that there was little chance of a rib off today he remained at a safe distance however taking a chair that stood beside an oval table near to which he happened to be standing newspapers and magazines were piled up on the table and these he pushed aside making room for his right forearm to rest on the cool mahogany on the polished surface of which he kept up a continual nervous to lick to lick with the ends of his fingernails as he spoke if you do not come to me for everything you want to whom will you go he inquired lamely if pleasantly being perturbed by the effort he was making to conceal his uneasiness and assume a cheerful demeanor both at once and there is nothing i would not do for you as you know i am sure he tapped a few times on the table in fact that should be only too glad if you would give me the opportunity tap tap tap a little often or you know tap tap tap what i want to say is i should like you to consult me and a to ask me and all that sort of thing if you want anything advice he had been going to add but modestly change the word money for instance and now his countenance cleared he thought he had accidentally discovered the difficulty i expect you have been running into debt a he spoke quite playfully so greatly was he relieved to think it was only that and you have been thinking of me as a sort of stern parent who would storm and all that sort of thing but my dear child you mustn't do that you should never forget with all my world of goods i the endow i assure you ever since i uttered those words i felt that i held the property and trust for you and he had been going to add our children but side instead i have i know remonstrated with you when i thought you undo the extravagant i could not conscientiously countenance undo extravagance and so young a wife but still i hope you have never had to complain of any want of liberality on my part in in anything in fact what is the good of money to me if you do not care to spend it come now how much is it this time just tell me and have done with it and then we will go somewhere or make plans and have a good time as the americans call it i have a better box than usual for you at the opera this year i think i told you and i never lent it to anybody i like to keep it empty for you in case you care to go at any time and i have season tickets see you got up and rummaged in a drawer until i found them for everything i almost think i go sometimes myself just to see what is going on you know and if it is the sort of thing you would like so as to know what to take you to when you come and i accept all the nice invitations for you conditionally of course i see if you were in town at the time and i hope you may be which is true enough always you would be happy to go or words to that effect so you see there is plenty for you to do at any time in the way of amusement i'm always making arrangements it is like getting ready to welcome you when i'm answering invitations or doing the theaters i feel quite as if i expected you it is childish perhaps but it makes something to look forward to and when i'm busy preparing for you somehow the days do not seem so blank angelica felt something rise in her throat but she neither spoke nor moved or we might go to paris he proceeded tentatively shall we i could pair it with someone till the end of the session we might go anywhere in fact and i should enjoy a holiday if if you would accompany me he looked at her with a smile but the intermittent to lick to lick to lick of his nervous drumming on the table told that he was far from feeling all the confidence he assumed for in truth angelica's attitude alarmed him more and more on other occasions when he had tried to be more than usually kind and indulgent she had always called him a nice old thing or made some such affable if somewhat patronizing acknowledgement even when she was out of temper but now finding that he was waiting for an answer she just looked up at him once then fixed her eyes on the ground again and spoke at last in a voice so hopeless and toneless that he would not have recognized it i think i have only just this moment learned to appreciate you she said i used to accept all your kind attentions as merely might do but i know now how little i deserve them and i wish i could be different i wish i could repay you i wish i could undo the past and begin all over again begin by loving you as a wife should you are 10 000 times too good for me yet i have cared for you in a way she protested not a kind way perhaps but still i have relied upon you upon your friendship i felt a sense of security in the certainty of your affection for me i'm presumed upon it oh daddy why have you let me do as i like mr killroy's face became rigid and the fingers with which he had kept up that intermittent tapping on the table turned cold what do you mean angelica he asked coarsely are you an earnest have you done anything or are you only tormenting me if you are it is hard you know i do care for you i always have done and i've never ceased to look forward to a time when you would love me too god help me if you have come to tell me that that time will never come again that lump rose in angelica's throat a horrible form of emotion had seized upon her i'd better tell you and get it over she said speaking in hurry cast and sitting up but not looking at him you will care less when you know exactly you will see them that i'm not worth a thought i'm suffering horribly i want to shriek she tore her jacket open and threw her hat on the floor whatever leap i was suffocating i don't know where to begin she looked up at him then stopped short frightened by the drawn and haggard look in his face and tranquilized too forgetting herself in the effort to think of something to say to relieve him but you do know all about it she added speaking more naturally than she had done yet i told you told me what about about you thought i was inventing it that story about the tenor and the boy mr killroy curved his fingers together and held them up over at the table for a moment as if he were about to tap upon it again and it was as if he had asked the question it was all true angelica proceeded all that i told you but there was more mr killroy uttered a low exclamation and hung his head as if in shame the color had fled from his face leaving it gasly gray for a moment like that of a dead man angelica half rose to go to him fearing he would faint but he had recovered before she could carry out her intention she looked at him compassionately she would have given her life to be able to spare now but it was too late and there was nothing for it but to go on and get it over you remember the picture i painted music mr killroy made a gesture of a scent that was his portrait i was understood it was an ideal singer an idealized singer was what i said but it was not even that as you would have seen for yourself if you had ever gone to the cathedral it is a good likeness nothing more and you had yourself put into a picture with a common tenor and exhibited to all the world yes and all the world thought it a great condescension but he did not consent to it or sit for it he objected to the picture as strongly as you do he was not a common tenor at all he was an old and intimate friend of uncle dawns and dr gall grades they all all our people knew him he was often at mourn before you came to the over thought but i did not know it myself until afterward afterward he questioned i'd better go on from where i left off she replied her confidence returning i told you about the accident on the river and is finding out who i was and his contempt for me and i told you i desired most sincerely to win his respect and you advised me to go to him and endeavor to do so well i went she paused and mr killroy looked hard at her his face was flushed now and he was dead she gasped mr killroy seemed bewildered i don't understand he exclaimed i told you there was more and that was it that was all he was dead she repeated mr killroy drew a deep breath and linked back in his chair i'm ashamed to say i feel relieved he began as if speaking to himself yet i scarcely know what i expected he looked down thoughtfully at his own hand as it lay upon the table he wanted to say something more but his mind moved slowly and no words came at first he was obliged to make a great effort to collect himself and in the interval he resumed that irregular tapping upon the table it maddened angelica who found herself forced to watch and wait for the recurrence of the sound let me tell you though let me finish the story she exclaimed at last unable to bear it any longer and then she gave him every detail of her doing since last they parted mr killroy let his hand drop on the table and listened without looking at her and that is all he said when she had finished i mean have you really told me all angelica she met his eyes fearlessly and there was something in her face something innocent an unsuspicious look of inquiry such as a child assumes when it waits to be questioned which would have made him ashamed of a degrading doubt had he entertained one you were not you did not care for him oh yes he exclaimed with most perfect and reassuring candor i cared for him of course i care for him haven't i told you no one could know such a man and not care for him thank god he said softly with tremulous lips it would have broken my heart if he had not been such a man the words brought down upon him one of angelica's tornado tempest of unreasonable wrath are you insinuating that my good conduct depended upon his good character she demanded are you no better than those hateful french people who have no concept of anything unusual in a woman that does not end in gross improprietive conduct and fill their books with nothing else mr killroy's face flush such an unworthy suspicion would never have occurred to me in connection with your selfie set at the risk of appearing ungenerous i must call your attention to the fact that it is you yourself who have been the first to allude to the bare possibility of such a thing for my own part if you chose to travel around the world alone with a man at night or any other time that suited your convenience i should be content to know that you were doing so especially if it amused you such as my perfect confidence in your integrity and in the discretion with which you choose your friends i beg your pardon forgive me angelica humbly ejaculated you shame me by a delicacy which i can only respect and admire in you i cannot imitate it it is beyond me i owe you an apology he answered i should have spoken plainly it was your feelings your heart not your conduct that i suspected you've never pretended to love me to be in love with me and your attendant was a younger man and more attractive not to me angelica hastily and sincerely a-severated she did not look up to see the effect of her words upon mr. kilroy her eyes have been fixed on his feet as she spoke and now it struck her that they were exceedingly well shaped feet and well-booted in the quiet way characteristic of the man everything about him was unobtrusive as his own manner but good as his own heart angelica leaned back in her chair and a long silence ensued during which she lapsed into her old attitude lying back in her chair her hands on the arms her chin on her chest her wandering glance upon the ground so that she did not see that her husband was watching her with eyes that filled as he looked what was to be the end of this should she lose his affection would she be turned out of the kind heart that had loved her with all her faults and cherished her with a patient enduring self-denying fondness that was worth more and had been a greater comfort to her as she knew now then all the things together youth beauty rank wealth and talents for which she was envied if he said her in his gentle way you had better return to illvert thought and live there which would mean that he cared for her no longer should she go yes she would go without a word she would go and drown herself but mr. kilroy was far from thinking harsh thoughts of her on the contrary he was blaming himself little as he deserved it for the circumstances which had brought angelica to this bitter moment of self-abasement he was not eloquent either in thought or speech and with regard to his wife he had always felt more than he could express even to himself though what he felt did find a certain form of expression intelligible enough to a loving soul in his constant care for her and in the uncomplaining devotion which led him to sacrifice his own wishes to her whims to have sent himself when he perceived that she did not want him or to suffer her neglect without bitterness though certainly not without pain and now he never thought of blaming her what occurred to him was that this young half educated girl had been committed to his care and left by him pretty much to her own devices he had not done his duty by her he had not influenced her in any way he had expected too much from her it was the old story had he not himself seen 50 households wrecked because the husband when he took the girl a little more than a child in years and quite a child in mind and experience from her own family and the wholesome influences and companionship of father mother brother sister's probably left her to go and guided to former characters best she could putting that grave responsibility in her own weak hands as if the mirror making a wife of her must make her a mature and sensible woman also this was what he had done himself and if Angelica had got into bad hands and come to grief irreparable there would have been nobody to blame but himself for it especially as he knew she was had strong excitable wild original fearless and within intellect large out of all proportion for the requirements of the life to which society condemned her a force which was liable if otherwise unemployed to expend itself an outburst of mischievous energy although there was not a scrap of vice in her no not a scrap he loyally insisted for just look out she had come to him and told him but a girl who was not honest at heart had done that when she might so easily have deceived him it was this confidence which touched him more than anything she had come to him as she should have done the first thing and she had come full of remorse and willing to atone all this trouble was tending to unite them it had brought her home it would prove what is called a blessing in disguise after all he hoped his great love inspired him with insight and taught him tact and all his dealings with Angelica and now it prompted him to do the one wise simple thing that would avail under the circumstances he went to her and bending over her always delicately considerate of her inclinations even in the matter of the least caress lay that kind hand on her shoulder uttering at the same time brokenly the very words of her dream that morning if you could care for me a little angelica she looked up amazed at first then understanding she rose the distressing tension relaxed in that moment her heart expanded her eyes filled with tears and overflowed she could not command her voice to speak but she threw herself impetuously into her husband's arms and kissed him passionately and clunged him until she was able to sob out don't let me go again daddy keep me close i am i am grateful for the blessing of a good man's love end of book five chapter eight end of book five book six chapter one of the heavenly twins this is a labor box recording all labor box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit labor box dot org the heavenly twins by syragy book six the impressions of dr galbraith nothing extenuate nor sat down ought in malice othello act five seem to note the fact that dr galbraith had not the advantage of knowing avadney's early history when they first became acquainted adds a certain frequency to the flavor of his impressions and the reader better informed than himself with regard to the antecedents of his subject will find it interesting to note both the accuracy of his insight and the curious mistakes which it is possible even for a trained observer like himself to make by the half light of such imperfect knowledge as he was able to collect under the circumstances his record which is minute in all important particulars is specially valuable for the way in which it makes apparent the changes of habit and opinion and the modifications of character that had been brought about in a very short time by the restriction colonel kahoon had imposed upon her in some respects it is hard to believe that she is the same person but more interesting still perhaps are the glimpses we get of dr galbraith himself in the narrative throughout which it is easy to decipher the simple earnestness of the man the cautious professionalism and integrity the touches of tender sentiment held in check the dash of egotism the healthy minded human nature the capacity for enjoyment and sorrow the love of life and above all the perfect unconsciousness with which he shows himself to have been a man of fastidious refinement and exemplary moral strength and delicacy of the highest possible character and most lovable in spite of a somewhat irascible temper and manner which were apt to be abrupt at times chapter one evadney puzzled me as a rule men of my profession and more particularly specialists like myself can class a woman's character and gauge her propincities for good or evil while he is diagnosing her disease if she consults him or more easily still during half an hour's ordinary conversation if he happens to be alone with her but even after I had seen evadney many times and felt broadly that I knew her salient points as well as such tricks of manner or habitual turns of expression as distinguished her from other ladies I was puzzled we are not sufficiently interested in all the people we meet to care to understand their characters exactly but a medical man who is not insight enough to do so at will has small chance of success in his profession and when I found myself puzzled about evadney it became a point of importance with me to understand her she was certainly an interesting study and all the more so because of that initial difficulty a difficulty by the way which I found from the gossip of the place that everybody else was experiencing more or less for it was evident from the first that whatever her real character might be she was anything but a non entity before she had been in the neighborhood of fortnight she had made a distinct impression and was freely discussed a fact which speaks for itself in two ways first her individuality was strongly marked enough to attract immediate attention and secondly there was that about her which provoked criticism not that the criticism of a community like ours is worth much consisting as it does of carping mainly and the kind of carping which reflects much more upon the low level of intelligence that obtains in such neighborhoods than upon the character of the person criticized for what the vulgar do not understand they are apt to condemn somebody has said that to praise moderately is a sign of mediocrity and somebody might have added that to denounce decidedly shows deficiency in a multitude of estimable qualities among which discernment must be specially mentioned not however that there was any question of denouncing here for evadney was always more discussed for what she was not than for what she was one lady of my acquaintance put part of my own feeling into words when she declared that evadney could be nicer if she would that part of it which first made me suspect that there was something artificial in her attitude towards the world at large and more especially towards the world of thought and opinion and that had she been natural she would have differed from herself as we knew her in many material respects naturalness however is a quality upon which too much stress is generally laid if you are naturally nice it is all very well but suppose you are naturally nasty we should be very thankful indeed to think that some of our friends are not natural in looking back now I am inclined to ask why we evadneys intimate friends should always have expected more of her than we did of other people that certainly was the case and she disappointed us we felt that she should have been a representative woman such as the world wants at this period of its progress making a name for herself and an impression on the age and it was probably her objection expressed with quite passionate earnestness to play a part in which we gathered from many chance indications that she was imminently qualified to have excelled that constituted the puzzle her natural bent was certainly in that direction but something had changed it and here in particular the external tormenting difficulty with regard to her occurred with full force at a very early period of our acquaintance however I discovered that her attitude in this respect was not inherent but deliberately chosen I avoid questions of the day as much as possible she said on one occasion an answer to some remark of mine on a current topic of conversation I do not as a rule read anything on such subjects and if people begin to discuss them in my presence I fly if I can I should have thought that all such questions would have interested you deeply I observed they seem to possess a quite fatal fascination for people who allow themselves to be interested she answered evasively and in a tone which forbade further discussion of the subject but it was the evasion which enlightened me she would not have been afraid of the fatal fascination if she had never felt it herself and it was therefore evident that her objection was not the outcome of ignorant prejudice but of knowledge and set purpose it was the attitude of a burnt child the impression she made upon the neighborhood was curious in one way it was so very mixed in the adverse part of the mixture however a good deal of personal geek was apparent and one thing was always obvious people liked her as much as she would let them she even might have been popular had she chosen but popularity comes of condescending to the level of the average and evadney was exclusive she was unay gray petite grand dame at heart as well as in appearance and would associate with none but her equals and out of those again she was vestidious in the selection of her friends to servants people who knew their proper place and retainers generally with legitimate claims to her consideration she was all kindly courtesy and they were devoted to her but she met the aspiring parva new seeking her acquaintance on false pretenses of equality with that disdainful civility which is more exasperating than positive rudeness because a lady is only rude to her equals and hints most of the any mad version but her manner was perfectly consistent her coldness or cordiality to mere acquaintances only varied of necessity according to her position and responsibilities in her own house where the onus of entertaining fell upon her she was charming to everybody today neglecting none and giving an equally flattering share of her attention to each but if she met the same people at somebody else's place tomorrow when she was off duty as it were she certainly showed no more interest than she felt in them I do not believe however that she ever committed a breach of good manners in her life when she spoke to you she did so with the most perfect manner giving you her whole attention for the moment and never letting her eyes wander as underbred people so often do especially in the act of shaking hands fairly considered her attitude in society was distinguished by an equitable politeness in which however there was no heart and that was what the world missed she did not care for society and society demands your heart having none of its own she certainly did her duty in that state of life but without any affectation of delight in it she went to all the local entertainments as custom required and suffered from suspended animation under the influence of the deadly dullness which prevailed at most of them but in that she was not peculiar and she could conceal her boredom more successfully than almost anybody else I knew and did so heroically in her religion too she was quite conventional like most people in these days she was a good church woman without being in any sense a Christian she did not love her neighbor as herself or professed to but she went to church regularly and made all the responses pleasing the clergy and deriving some solace herself from the occupation at least she always said the services were soothing she was genuinely shocked by a sign of irreverence and would sing the most jingling nonsense as a hymn with perfect gravity and without perceiving that there was any flaw in it in these matters she showed no originality at all she would repeat my duty towards my neighbor is to love him as myself and to do to all men as I would that they should do unto me fervently and come out and cut mrs crimes to the quick just afterward because she had the misfortune to be a tanner's wife and nobody's daughter in particular it was what she had been taught any one of her set would have said my duty to my neighbor without a doubt of their own sincerity and given mrs crimes the cold shoulder to the inconsistency is customary and in this particular evadney was as much a creature of custom as the rest it was my fate to take evadney into dinner on the first occasion of our meeting I did not hear her name when I was presented and had no idea who she was but I was struck by her appearance her figure was fragile to a fault and she was not evidently delicate at that time not having fully recovered as I was afterwards told from a severe attack of malty's fever but her complexion was not unhealthy her features were refined and exquisitely feminine she looked about 20 and her face in repose would have been expressionless but for the slight changes about the mouth which showed that the mind was working within her long eyes seemed narrow from a trick she had of holding them half shut they were slow glancing and steadfast and all her movements struck one at first as being languid but that impression wore off after a time and then it became apparent that they were merely rather more deliberate than as usual with a girl she answered my first remarks somewhat shortly but certainly such observations as one finds to make to a strange lady while taking her from the drawing room to the dining room and arranging her chair at table are not usually calculated to inspire brilliant responses she had the habit of society to perfection and was essentially self possessed but I fancied she was shy coldness is often a cover for extreme shyness in women of her station and I did my best to thaw her but the soup and fish had been removed and we had arrived at the last entree before I made a remark that roused her in the least I forget what I said exactly but it was some stupid commonplace about the difficulties of the political situation at the moment I hate politics she then observed business is a disagreeable thing whether it be the business of the nation or of the shop I hear women say that they are obliged to interfere just now in all that concerns themselves because men have cheated and imposed upon them to a quite unbearable extent but they will do no good by it their position is perfectly hopeless and the mere trade of governing is a coarse pursuit and therefore most objectionable for us she drew in her breath and tightened her lips but for myself she added what I object to mainly is the thought why are they trying to make us think the great difficulty is not to think there are plenty of men to think for us and while they are thinking we can be feeling I for one have no joy in eventful living feeling is life not thought you need not be afraid to give us the suffrage she broke off with the first glimpse of a smile I had seen on her lips after the excitement of conquering your opposition to it was over we should all be content and not one woman in a hundred would trouble herself to vote I believe women are more public spirited than that I answered they are toiling everywhere now for the furtherance of all good works and they come forward courageously whenever necessity compels them to take such an extreme and uncongenial course in times of war she had been leaning back in her chair and is somewhat languid attitude but now suddenly she straightened herself her face flushed crimson and I stopped short something in the word war either hurt or excited her her long eyes opened on me wide and bright for the first time and flashed a look into mine more stirring than the wine that bubbled in the glass between my fingers she is beautiful I said to myself but up to that moment I had not suspected it war she explained speaking under her breath but incisively do not let us talk about it war is the dirty work of a nation it is one of the indecencies of life and should never be mentioned she looked straight into my face for a moment with eyes wide open and lips compressed when she had finished speaking and then took her menu in her left hand and began to study it with great apparent attention having discovered that she thought politics of course contaminating business and more the dirty work of a nation I felt curious to know her views on literature and art I have just been reading a book that might interest you I began it strikes me as being so true to life I think I should be inclined to avoid it then she answered for I always find that true to life in a book means something revolting unfortunately yes it often does I agreed but still we ought to know if we refuse to study the bad side of life no evil would ever be remedied do you think any good is ever done she asked I am afraid you are a pessimist I rejoined but do you really like books that are true to life yourself she proceeded don't you think we see enough of life without reading about it for my own part I am grateful to anyone who has the power to take me out of this world and make me feel something realize something beyond the dash of the supernatural for instance in John Inglesant Mr Isaacs the wizard's son and the little pilgrim has the effect of rest upon my mind and gives me greater pleasure than the most perfect picture of real life ever presented in fact my ideal of perfect bliss in these days is to know nothing and believe in ghosts this also was a comprehensive opinion and I felt no further inclination to name the book to which I had alluded but now that she had begun to respond I should have been well content to continue the conversation there was something so unusual in most of her opinions that I wanted to hear more although I confessed that what she said interested me less than she herself did before I could touch on another topic however the ladies left the table a big blonde man middle-aged bald bland and with a heavy mustache had been sitting opposite to us during dinner and had attracted my attention by the way he looked at my partner from time to time it was a difficult look to describe because there was neither admiration nor interest in it approval nor disapproval he might have looked at a block of wood in exactly the same way and it could hardly have been less responsive once however their eyes did meet and then the glance became one of friendly recognition on both sides but even after that he still continued to look in the same queer way and it was this fact that struck me as peculiar when the ladies had gone I happened to find myself beside this gentleman and asked him if he could tell me who it was I had taken into dinner well she is supposed to be my wife he answered deliberately and I am colonel kahoon he spoke with a decidedly Irish accent of the educated sort and seemed to think that I should know all about him when he mentioned his name but I had never heard of the fellow before I rightly conjectured however that he was the new man who had come to command the depot at morning quest while I had been abroad for my holiday end of book six chapter one book six chapter two of the heavenly twins this is a labor box recording a labor box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit laborbox.org the heavenly twins by Sarah G chapter two first impressions are very precious for many reasons they have a charm of their own to begin with and it is interesting to recall them and salutary also if not sedative collect a few and you will soon see clearly the particular kind of as you are by the mistakes you have made in consequence of having confided in them when I first met a bad knee I was still young enough in the appropriate sense of the word to suppose that I should find her mentally when I met her again just where she was when she left me after our little chat at the dinner table and I went to pay my duty call upon her under that most erroneous impression I intended to resume our interrupted conversation and never doubted that I should find her willing to gratify my interest in her peculiar views it was a mistake however which anybody who's the light in his own pursuits is continuous might make and one into which the cleverest man is prone to fall when the object is a woman I called on a bad knee the day after the dinner she was alone and rising from a seat beside a small work table as I entered advanced a step and held out a nervous hand to me she was not looking well her skin was white and opaque her eyes dull her lips pale and her apparent age 10 more years than I had given her on the previous evening she was a lamp like beauty I supposed but her dress satisfied it was a long indoor gown which indicated without indelicacy the natural lines of her slender figure and she was innocent of the shocking vulgarity of the small waist a common enough deformity at that time although now it is said affected by third-rate actresses and women of indifferent character only the waist is an infallible index to the moral worth of a woman very little of the latter survives the pressure of a tightened corset will you sit there if adney said indicating an easy chair and subsiding into her own again as she spoke colonel kahoon is not at home she added but I hope he will return in time to see you he will be sorry if he does not it was quite the proper thing to say and her manner was all that it ought to have been yet somehow the effect was not encouraging had I been inclined to presume I should have felt myself put in my place but being void of reproach my mind was free to take notes and I decided offhand that he bad me was a society woman of unexceptional form but ordinary and my nascent interest was nowhere my visit lasted about a quarter of an hour during which time she gave me back commonplace for commonplace punctually doing damage to her gown with a pin she held in her left hand the while and only raising her eyes to mine for an instant at a time nothing could have been easier colder thinner more on inspiring than the fluent periods with which she favored me and nothing more stellifying to my own brain if it had not been for that pin my wits must have wondered as it was however she inadvertently forced me to concentrate my attention upon the pin with fears for her ephemeral artery by apparently sticking it into herself in a reckless way whenever there was a pause and each emphatic little dig startled my imagination into lively activity and kept me awake but all together the visit was disappointing and I left her under the impression that the glimpse of mind I had had the night before was delusive a mere transient flash of intelligence caused by some swift current of emotion due to external influences of which I was unaware love or an effervescent wine will kindle some such spark in the but there was nothing in a bad knees manner indicative of the former influence and as to the latter the only use she ever made of a wine glass was to put her gloves in it as I gathered up the reins to drive my dog cart home that afternoon I was conscious of an impression on my mind as of a young but I was relieved to have the visit over and done with as I at first believed it to be but it was not done with for during the drive a thought occurred to me with chastening rather than cheering effect a thought which proves that my opinion of a bad knees capacity had begun to be mixed even at that early period of our acquaintance I acknowledged to myself that one of us had been flat that day and had infected the other but which was the original flat one some minds are like caves of stalocyte and staglamite rich in treasures of beauty the existence of which you may never suspect because you bring no light yourself to dispel the darkness that conceals them end of book six chapter two book six chapter three of the heavenly twins this is a labor vox recording all labor vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit labor vox.org the heavenly twins by Sarah G chapter three the next time I saw a bad knee it was at her own house also and it was only a few days after my first visit I was driving past but encountered Colonel Kahoon at the gate and pulled up for politeness as I had not seen him when I called he was returning from barracks in a jovial mood and made such a point of my going in that I felt obliged to we found a bad knee alone in the drawing room and I noticed to my surprise that she was extremely nervous her manner was self-possessed but her hands betrayed her she fidgeted with her rings or her buttons or her fingers incessantly and certainly was relieved when I rose to go the little she said however impressed me and I would gladly have stayed to hear more had she wished it I fancied however that she did not wish it and I accordingly took my leave as soon as I decently could as I drove home I found myself revising my revised opinion of her I felt sure now that she was something more than an ordinary society woman still like everybody else at that time I could not have said whether I liked or disliked her but I wanted to see her again before I had an opportunity of doing so however I received a request with regard to her which developed my latent curiosity and to honest interest and added a certain sense of duty to my half-formed wish to know more of her the request arrived in the shape of a letter from Lady Adeline Hamilton Wells an intimate friend of mine and one who has always had my most sincere respect and affection she is a woman who lives all together for others devoting the greater part of her ample means and all the influence of an excellent position to their service and she is a woman who stands alone on the strength of her own individuality for mr. Hamilton Wells does not count her great charm is her perfect sincerity she is essentially true when I saw her note on the breakfast table next day I knew that somehow it would prove to be of more importance than the whole of my other letters put together and I therefore hastened to open it first villa big non 15th march 1880 colonel kahoon late of the kahoon highlanders has been appointed to command the depot at morning quest I hear kindly make his wife's acquaintance at your earliest convenience to oblige me she is one of the frailings of frailing gay her mother is a sister of mrs. Orton begs and a very old friend of mine I used to see a good deal of mrs. Kahoon up to the time that she met her husband and she was then a charming girl quiet but clever I lost sight of her after her marriage however for about two years and only met her again last january in paris when I found her changed beyond all knowing of her and I can't think why she is not on good terms with her own people for some mysterious reason but apart from that she seems to have everything in the world she can want and makes quite a boast of her husband's kindness and consideration I noticed that she did not get on well with men as a rule and she may repel you at first but persevere for she can be fascinating and to both sexes too which is rare but I am told that people who begin by disliking often end by adoring her people with anything in them I mean for as I have learned to observe under your able tuition the blockhead majority does do despitefully by what it cannot comprehend and that is why I am writing to you I am afraid if adne will come into collision with some of the prejudices of our enlightened neighborhood she is not perfect and nothing but perfection is good enough for certain angelic women of our acquaintance they will call her very character in question at the trial tribunals of their tea tables if she be as I think of the kind who cause comment and they will throw stones at her and make her suffer even if they do her no permanent injury for I fear that she is nervously sensitive both to praise and blame a woman to be hurt inevitably in this battle of life and a complex character which I own I do not perfectly comprehend myself yet perhaps because parts of it are still nebulous but doubtless your keener insight will detect what is obscure to me and I rely upon you to be friend her until my return to England when I hope to be able to relieve you of all responsibility tell me to how you get on with Colonel Cohoon I should like to know what you think of them both Adeline Hamilton Wells my answer to this letter has lately come into my possession and I give it as being of more value probably than any subsequent record of these early impressions fountain towers 19th March 1880 my dear lady Adeline I had made Mrs. Cohoon's acquaintance before I received your letter and I've seen her three times altogether and three times has not been enough to enable me to form a decided opinion of her character which seems to be out of the common had you asked me what I thought of her after our first meeting I should have said she is peculiar after the second I'm afraid I should have presumed to say not much but now after the third I am prepared to maintain that she is decidedly interesting her manner is just a trifle stiff to begin with but that is so evidently the outcome of shyness that I cannot understand anybody being repelled by it her voice is charming every tone is exquisitely modulated and she expresses herself with ease and with a certain grace of diction peculiarly her own it is a treat to hear her English spoken as she speaks it she uses little or no slang and few abbreviations but she is perfectly fearless in her choice of words and invariably employs the one which expresses her meaning best however strong it may be and somehow the effect is never coarse yesterday she wanted to know the name of an officer now at the barracks and made her husband understand what she meant in this way he is a little man she said who puts his hands deep down in his pockets hunches up his shoulders and says damn emphatically how can she use such words without offense is a mystery but she certainly does all this however you must have observed for yourself and I know that it is merely skimming about your question not answering it but I humbly confess though it cost me your confidence in my keen insight forever that I cannot answer it so far mrs. kahoon has appealed to me merely as a text upon which to hang conclusions I do not in least know what she is but I can see already what she will become if her friends are not careful and that is a phrase maker colonel kahoon is likely to be a greater favorite here than his wife ladies say he is very nice so genial and a thorough irish men whatever they mean by that he does affect both brogue and blarney when he thinks proper perhaps however I ought to tell you at once that I do not like him and am not at all inclined to cultivate his acquaintance he strikes me as being a very commonplace kind of military man tittle tattling idle and unintellectual and in the habit of filling up every interval of life with brandy and soda water the creature is rapidly becoming extinct but specimens still linger in certain districts and I should judge him upon the whole to be the sort of man who pleases by his good manners those whom he does not repel by his pet vices most people that is to say the world is constant and kind to its own they are at as you like it the gloomiest house in the neighborhood I fancy colonel kahoon took it to suit his own convenience without consulting his wife's tastes or requirements and he will be out too much to suffer himself but I fear she will feel it she is a fragile little creature for whose health and well-being generally I should say that bright rooms and fresh air are essential the air at as you like it is not bad but the rooms are damp that west window in the drawing room is the one bright spot in the house and the sun only shines on it in the afternoon I am sorry that I cannot answer your letter more satisfactorily but you may rest assured that I shall be glad to do missus kahoon any service in my power the avala wrote me the other day and told me that his colonel thinks him too good for the guards and has strongly advised him if he wishes to continue in the service to exchange into some other regiment I have asked him to come and stay with me and hope to discover what he has been up to with your permission I should urge him to apply for the depot at morning quest it would do the Duke good to have him about again and Angelica would be delighted and besides Colonel Kahoon would keep his eye on him and put up with more pranks probably than those who know not Joseph Angelica is very well and happy her devotion to her husband continues to be exemplary and he has been good-natured enough to oblige her by delivering some of her speeches in parliament lately with excellent effect she read the one now in preparation allowed to us the last time I was at Ilverthorpe it struck me as being extremely able and imminent for refinement as well as for force Mr. Kilroy himself was delighted with it as indeed he is with all that she does now he only interrupted her once I should say the country is going to the dogs there he suggested then I'm afraid your originality would provoke criticism Angelica answered when do you return I avoid Hamilton house in your absence it looks so dreary all shut up yours always dear lady Adeline George baton galbraith end of book six chapter three book six chapter four of the heavenly twins this is a labor box recording all labor box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit laborbox.org the heavenly twins by Sarah G chapter four having dispatched my letter I began to consider how I might best follow up my acquaintance with Evadney with a view to such intimacy as should enable me at any time to have the right to be of service to her should occasion offer and during the day I arranged a dinner party for her special benefit not a very original idea but by accident it answered the purpose the cahoons accepted my invitation but when the evening arrived Evadney came alone and quite half an hour before the time I had dressed luckily and was strolling about the grounds when I saw the carriage drive up the avenue and hastened round the house to meet her at the door the days are getting quite long she said as I helped her to a light then glancing up at a clock in the hall she happened to notice the time is that clock right she asked it is I answered then my coachman must have mistaken the distance she said he assured me that it would take an hour to drive here but I shall not have occasion to regret the mistake if you will let me see the house she added gracefully it seems to be a charming old place it would have been a little awkward for both of us but for this happy suggestion there were however points of interest enough about the house to fill up a longer interval even but I am forgetting she exclaimed as I led her to the library I received this note from Colonel Kahoon at the last moment he is detained in barracks today most unfortunately I will not be able to get away until late he begs me to make you his apologies I hope we shall see him during the evening I said oh yes she answered he is sure to come for me there was a portrait of Lady Adeline in the library and she noticed it at once do you know the Hamilton wellses she asked rightening out of her former manner instantly we are very old friends I answered there places next to mine you know I did not know she said I have never been there Lady Adeline knows my people and used to come to our house a good deal at one time that is where I met her I like her very much and trust her that everybody does do you know her widowed sister Lady Claudia Beaumont yes and their brother Lord Don yes well he and I were chums at Harrow and Oxford and a common devotion to the same social subjects has kept us together since he is a man of most charming manners she said thoughtfully he is I answered cordially I know no one else so fast obviously refined without being a prig she was sitting on the arm of a chair with Adeline's photograph in her hand and was silent a moment looking at it meditatively you must know that eccentric Idila as they call her also she said at last glancing up at me gravely we do not consider her eccentric I said well you must confess that she moves in an orbit of her own she rejoined not alone then I answered so many luminaries circle around her Lady Adeline criticizes her severely she ventured with a touch of asperity there's absence out to jurors torts I answered but at the same time when Lady Adeline criticizes Idila severely I am sure she deserves it her faults are patent enough and most provoking because she could correct them if she would you don't know her well no ah then I understand why you do not like her she is not a person who shows to advantage on a slight acquaintance and in that she is just the reverse of most people her faults are all on the surface and appear at once her good qualities only come out by degrees I feel reproved if I answered smiling but it is really hard to believe that the main fabric of the character is beautiful when only one sees the spoiled bits of it you must be quite one of that click she added in a tone which expressed what a pity quite clearly you are not interested in social questions I ventured on the contrary she answered decidedly I hate them all she put the photograph down and looked around the room where does that door lead to she asked indicating one opposite into my study then you do not study in the library no I read here for relaxation when I want to work I go in there let me see where you work I hesitated for I kept my tools there and I did not know what might be about it is professional work I do there I said she was quick to see my meaning oh in that case she began apologetically I am indiscreet forgive me I have not realized your position yet you see it is so anomalous being both a doctor and a country gentleman but what a dear old place this is I cannot think how you can mix up medical pursuits with the names of your ancestors where are you I should belong to the psychical society only the material for that kind of research lingers long in these deep recesses it is built up in thick walls and concealed behind old panels oh how can you be a doctor here I am not a doctor here I assured her at least only in the morning when I make this my consulting room I am glad she said this is a place in which to be human is a doctor not human then I asked a trifle peaked no she answered laughing a doctor is not a man to his lady patients but an abstraction a kindly abstraction for whom one sends when a man's presence would be altogether inconvenient if I am ever ill I will send for you in the abstract confidently well I hope I may more than answer your expectations in that character I replied should anything so unfortunate as sickness or sorrow induce you to do me the favor of accepting my services she gave me one quick rave glance I know you mean it she said and I know you mean more you will be friend to me if I ever want a friend I will I answered thank you she said it was exactly what I had intended with regard to her since I had received Lady Adeline's letter but a compact entered into on the occasion of our fourth meeting struck me as sudden I had no time to think of it however at the moment for a bad knee followed up her thanks with a question how do you come to have an abode of this kind and be a doctor also she asked the house came to me from an uncle who died suddenly just after I had become a fully qualified practitioner I told her but there is not income enough attached to it to keep it up properly and I wanted to live here and I wanted besides to continue my professional career so I thought I would try and make the one wish help the other and the experiment has succeeded yes are you very fond of your profession it is the finest profession in the world all medical men say that she remarked smiling well I can claim the merit if it be a merit of having arrived at that conclusion before I became imminent she suggested before I had taken my degree I corrected so you came and established yourself as a doctor in this old place she glanced around meditatively that seems to surprise you it is the dual character that surprises me she answered your practice makes you a professional man and you are a county magnet also by right of your name and connections she evidently knew all about me already and I was flattered by the interest she showed which I thought special until I found that she was in the habit of knowing and knowing accurately to all about everyone with whom she was brought into close contact I cannot imagine how you find time for it all she continued you are not a general practitioner I believe not exactly I answered of course I never refused to attend in any case of emergency but my regular practice is all consultation and my specialty has somehow come to be nervous disorders sometimes I have my house full of patients interesting cases which require close attention I know she said and poor people who cannot pay as often as the rich who will give you anything to attend them I should very much like you to believe the most exaggerated accounts of my generosity if any such are about I hasten to assure her but honesty compels me to explain that I benefit by every case which I treat successfully Gato you do not deceive me she answered laughing up in my face her manner had quite changed now she recognized me as one of her own cast and knew that however friendly and familiar she might be I should not presume when it was time to think of my other guests she begged to be allowed to remain in the library until they had all arrived it would be such an exertion to have to explain to each one separately how it is that I am here alone and I do so dislike strange people she added plaintively it makes me quite ill to have to meet them and besides she broke out laughing as it is a new place perhaps I ought to try and make myself interesting and of importance to the inhabitants by coming in late when you keep people waiting for dinner you do become of consequence to them to their comfort and then they think of you but not very charitably under such circumstances I suggested that depends she answered if you arrive in time to save their appetites they will associate a pleasant sense of relief with your coming which will make them think well of you for evermore they mistake the sensation for an opinion and as they like it they call it a good one she looked pretty when she unbent like that and talked nonsense or what was apt to strike you as nonsensical until you came to consider it for there was often a depth of worldly wisdom and acuteness underlying her most apparently careless sallies that surprised you she lingered long in the library so long that at first I felt impatiently that she might have remembered that I had an appetite as well as the strangers within my gates with whom it apparently pleased her to trifle and I felt obliged during an awkward pause to account for the delay by explaining for whom we were waiting if she were an earnest about wishing to make a sensation or attract special attention to herself she had gained her end for the moment I mentioned the name of kahoon people began to speak of her carefully because nobody knew as yet who her friends might be but with interest I never supposed for a moment however that she was in earnest there was something proudly self-respecting about her which forbade all idea of anything so paltry as maneuvering I didn't first think that she might have fallen asleep but afterward on recollecting that she was a nervous subject it occurred to me that her courage might have failed her and that she would never present herself to a whole room full of strangers alone excusing myself to my guests therefore as best I could I went at last to the library and found that this latter surmise was correct she was standing in the middle of the room with her hands clasped evidently in an agony of nervous trepidation I went up to her however as if I had not noticed it and offered her my arm if you will come now mrs. kahoon I said we will go to dinner she took my arm without a word but I felt as soon as she touched me that her confidence was rapidly returning and by the time we reached the drawing room and I had explained that colonel kahoon had been detained by duty most unfortunately but mrs. kahoon had been kind enough to come nevertheless she had quite recovered herself and only a slight exaggeration of the habitual no limey tangerine of her ordinary manner remained in evidence of her shyness when we were seated at table and she was undoubtedly at her ease again I expected to see her vivacity revive but the nervous crisis had evidently gone deeper than her manner and affected her mood I had left her all life and animation a mere girl bent upon pleasure but with every evidence of considerable capacity for the pursuit but now at dinner she sat beside me cold constrained and listless neither eating nor interested pretending however courageously and probably deceiving those about her with the even flow of polished periods which she kept up to conceal her indifference I thought perhaps her husband's absence had something to do with it and expected to see her brighten up when he arrived he did not come at all however and only once at table did she show any sign of the genuine intellectual activity which I was now pretty sure was either concealed or slumbering in these moods the sign she made was deceptive and probably only a man of my profession accustomed to observe and often obliged to judge more by indications of emotion than by words would have recognized its true significance in the midst of her chatter she became suddenly silent and one might have been excused for supposing that her mind was weary but that in truth was the moment when she really rusted herself and began to follow the conversation with close attention there was an old bore of a doctor at table that evening who would insist on talking professionally a thing which does not often happen in my house for I think of all shop ours is the most unsuitable for a general conversation because of the morbid fascination it has for most people ladies especially will listen with ability to medical matters perceiving nothing gruesome in the details at the moment but afterward developing nerves on the subject and probably giving the young practitioner good reason to regret on weary confidences I tried to stave off the topic but the willpower of the majority was against me and finally I found myself submitting and following my friends on wholesome lead you must have some curious experiences in your branch of the profession especially the lady on my left remarked we do I said answering her expectations against my better judgment and partly I think because this was the moment when a bad name woke up I have had some myself the extraordinary systems of fraud and deceit which are carried on by certain patients for no apparent purpose would astonish you their delight is essentially in the doing and the one and only end of it all is invariably the same a morbid desire to excite sympathy by making themselves interesting I had one girl under my charge for six months during which time she suffered daily from long fainting fits and other distressing symptoms which reduced her to the last degree of emaciation and puzzled me extremely because there was nothing to account for them her heart was perfectly sound yet she would lie in a state of insensibility livid and all but pulseless by the hour together there was no disease of any organ but certain symptoms which could not have been simulated pointed to extensive disorder of one at least it was a case of hysteria clearly but no treatment had the slightest effect upon her and fearing for her life I took her at last to Sir Shadwell Rock the best specialist for nervous disorders now alive he confirmed my diagnosis and ordered the girl to be sent away from her friends with a perfect stranger a hard cold unsympathetic person who would irritate her if possible and she was not to be allowed luxuries of any kind I had considered the advisability of such a course myself but the girl seemed too far gone for it and I own I never expected to see her alive again after she went abroad I heard that when she fainted she was left just where she fell to recover as best she could and when any particular food disagreed with her it was served to her incessantly until she professed to have got over her dislike for it but in spite of such heroic treatment she was not at that time any better then I lost sight of her and had forgotten the case when one day without any warning whatever she came into my consulting room looking the picture of health and happiness and with a very fine child in her arms I suppose you are surprised to see me alive she said I am married now and this is my boy isn't here beauty and I'm very happy or rather I should be but for one thing that illness of mine when I gave you so much trouble oh don't mention that I interrupted thinking she had come to overwhelm me with undeserved thanks my only trouble was that I could do nothing for you I hope you recovered soon after you went abroad as soon as I thought fit she answered significantly and that is what I have come about I want to confess I want to relieve my mind of a burden of deceit doctor I was never insensible in one of those fainting fits I never had a symptom that I could not have controlled I was shamming from beginning to end well you nearly shound yourself out of the world I said tell me how you did it I can't tell you exactly she answered when I wanted to appear to faint I just set my mind somehow I can't do it now that I am happy and have plenty of interests in life at that time I had nothing to take me out of myself and those daily doings were an endless source of occupation and entertainment to me but lately I have had qualms of conscience on the subject and was she cured Evadney asked oh yes I answered there was no fear for her after she confessed when the moral consciousness returns in such cases and there is nothing but relief of mine to be gained by confession the cure is generally complete but what could have been the motive of such a fraud somebody asked it is difficult to imagine I answered had it been more extensive the explanation would have been easier but as myself and the young lady's parents were her only audience I have never been able to account for it satisfactorily I noticed while I was speaking that Evadney was thinking the problem out for herself she would not have given herself so much trouble without a very strong motive she now suggested and human passions are the strongest motives for human actions are they not of course I said but the question is what passion prompted her it could not have been either anger ambition revenge or jealousy no she answered in the matter of fact tone of one who merely arrives at a logical conclusion and it must therefore have been love she was in love with you and tried in that way to excite your sympathy and attract your attention it is quite evident that view of the case never occurred to you Galbraith Dr. Lauder observed laughing and I owned that I was taken aback by it considerably not of course as it affected myself but because it gave me a glimpse of an order of mind totally different from that with which I should have credited Evadney earlier in the evening but how do you treat these cases she proceeded is there any cure for such depravity oh yes I answered confidently they are being cured every day so long as there is no organic disease I am quite sure that wholesome surroundings patience and kind care and steady moral influence will do all that is necessary the great thing is to awaken the conscience patients who once feel sincerely that such courses are depraved may cure themselves if they are not robbed of their self-respect the most hopeless causes I have come from that class of people who give each other bits of their mind very objectionable bits consisting of vulgar abuse for the most part and the calling of names that wrinkle the operators seem to derive a song kind of self-satisfaction from the treatment themselves but it does for the patient almost invariably this led to a discussion on bad manners during which Evadney relapsed I saw the light go out of her eyes and she showed no genuine interest in anything for the rest of the evening and when I had wrapped her up and seen her drive away I somehow felt that the entertainment had been a failure so far she was concerned and I wondered why she should so soon be bored at her age she should have had vitality enough in herself to carry her through an evening colonel kahoon will regret that he has not been able to come she said as she wished me goodbye and I noticed afterward that she was always most punctilious about such little formalities she never omitted any trifle of etiquette and I doubt if she could have dined without dressing for dinner end of book six chapter four


Hi everyone. Thanks, Luke. That was awesome. That was a great overview of six-door. I'm gonna do the complete opposite and do a super deep dive into just one tool. So, a little bit about me. Santiago just covered this. But I'm Priya, I'm a maintainer on the Recording Coastline projects in six-door and I've been working a lot on GA this year. So I just wanted to give a really quick shout out to the GA team. It's been awesome working with you. Everyone did so much this year and they totally crushed it and it's like a huge milestone. I've been looking forward to this moment for a really long time. I'm also a member of the TSC and a software engineer at ChainGuard. So I only have a few minutes to talk to you all today and I hope I can do two things in this time. So the first one is, I hope I can convince you that it's important to start signing your Git commits and the second is, I hope I can convince you that it's really easy to start signing your Git commits and that you actually start doing it. So please sign your Git commit. This is the major takeaway I hope you get from this talk. So why does it matter? Why do we wanna sign our Git commits? So this is six-door con. We're gonna be hearing a lot about supply chain security today and your code base really is that first step of your supply chain and keeping it secure is important. Most just commits are one potential way that an attacker could eject bad code into your code base and then this will propagate along your supply chain. Luckily, cryptographically signing your Git commits can be a really easy way to start mitigating the risk of this attack happening to you. So quick crash course and commit signing. So if you've ever set up like a GPG key with Git, you might have seen this before, but luckily signing and verifying is just built into the Git COI. So you can sign a commit with the Git commit dash S with a capital S for cryptographic signing and you can verify with the Git verify commit. But signing with keys can be challenging. It can be hard to set up these GPG keys. It's hard to keep them secure and as a developer, there are a lot of things you have to think about if you're gonna go down this route. First, do you wanna encrypt your key? I for one am definitely guilty of when I get that prompt on my terminal of please do you wanna enter in a password? I just don't put anything in because I can't remember it and I don't wanna keep typing it in. And so I wouldn't really blame anyone else for doing that either. You might also have to think about how often you need to rotate your keys.  So this is six work on, you probably guessed that if we combo Git commit signing with like the awesome keyless signing properties of six store, we can have the best of both worlds. So we can sign or Git commits and we don't have to manage keys. And if we like combo one, both of these two things, we get six stores latest project, which is Git sign. So if you've ever used cosine before, you'll probably really familiar with this flow. But to be honest, I think Git sign is almost easier to use because it's like a one time install.  So as a maintainer, I've got like some Git repository, I've got my Git commit and I've already installed Git sign and I'm good to go. After that, every time I wanna sign a commit, I'm gonna be taken through the familiar OAuth flow that you've probably seen, sign in with my email, prove my identity, and then folks use gonna issue me a certificate. The certificate is gonna have my email embedded and I'm also gonna have a signature over my Git commit. Both the signature and the certificate will be included in the transparency log. And so this means that not just you, but anyone with access to this commit can actually verify it and see who signed it, which is pretty cool. So I'm gonna do a really quick demo, move over to my terminal. So I've already installed Git sign, but I need to configure this repo to actually sign with it. So I've got this like cheat sheet script because I can't remember these things on my own. But it's really just like a one time setup. So basically all I've done here is tell Git that I want to sign all my commits, sign all my tags, use Git sign for signing, and that Git sign expects X509 arguments. So now all we have to do is just make a commit. So let's do that. And I'm just gonna make an empty one. And we're immediately sent through like the familiar OAuth flow. I'm just gonna sign in with my email. And easy, yeah, just like one or two extra seconds, but now we have a signed commit. And we can verify this commit just with the verify commit command. And yeah, we've got our entry and recor. We validated the signature, validated the entry in recor. And you can see that I'm the person who signed this commit. One actually one more cool thing that we can show if I just grab the commit that I signed, I can head over to this cool UI we've got which allows us to like visualize entries in the transparency log. So you can actually search specifically by commit. Oh, that's not the right thing. Copy and paste the commit shot in there. And yeah, we got some like cool information about the entry we just created. So it was integrated a few seconds ago into the log. We can see the signature. We can see the details of the certificate. So it's still valid for 10 more minutes and it was issued to me. And you can like see the actual entry itself and the verification that was done to prove that it's a valid entry in the overall log. Cool, so that's pretty much it. I want to say thank you to the Get Sign contributors. It's an awesome project and super easy to install, really easy to use. And I hope I've managed to convince you all to install Get Sign and start signing your commits today. Thank you so much.