Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, The Five Ways A Man Gains Your Respect. How he'll gain your respect. All right, Ruler shows his respect. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms.  It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two is in your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. All right, let's talk about those five ways a guy is gonna show that he respects you.   So I thought I'd do the reverse here today. So if you did happen to catch that, I wanted to say I'm covering both ends of the spectrum being the men and women. And lately I've been really fascinated with the idea, particularly in the dating process, I've been fascinated with the idea of around respect. And what I mean to say, it seems to me, seems to me lately that there is a lack of respect by both genders in the dating process. I'm gonna repeat that. There's a lack of respect from both genders from the dating process, from certainly things like ghosting and not returning a phone call to taking a long time to respond, just to give you a few examples. And it's interesting, swiping on someone and then never reaching out to them. I'm using mostly talking about dating apps. And certainly when someone writes you a beautiful letter and not acknowledging it, and not to suggest that you have to do that all the time, but I certainly believe that there's a level of respect in the beginning stages that I think translates to, we'll talk about the pre-dating and then the dating period. And I think because there's a lack of respect in the pre-dating, that it does bleed over into the dating process. And I believe that is partly because human beings operate rather selfishly in the dating process. I'm gonna repeat that. I believe human beings operate selfishly.  And these days in the dating realm, most of the time, not always, but most of the time we're meeting total strangers. And so because of that, folks tend to focus more on their own needs instead of the needs of the other person. And that just makes sense, right? And think about this, even Dr. The Gottmans, who I talk about frequently in my video, and if you haven't checked out the Gottman Institute, I highly recommend checking out their website because there's a plethora of information that help couples really bond together and such. That's their area of expertise. Well, I read something some years back talking about the three phases of love is we start from the phase of I need my needs met. I need my needs met. So what are the needs that, for example, men need, they operate from the premise, I want sex as an example. Now, I'm gonna use an example from a woman's perspective, I need a man to pay for the date, okay? And that's not coming from a, either one of those isn't coming from, it's not coming from the other person's point of view, it's coming from your own individual point of view. So can you see why the dating process right from the get go can be a little bit disrespectful if you're operating from your own needs? Now, certainly you're not gonna operate from a place of, think about it, operating from a place of giving to another who hasn't given to you. And I don't, giving love to someone you don't know yet, that makes sense. And certainly the early stages of dating is kind of a feeling out period of one another, but there's also this lack of respect that I've noticed certainly in the area of communication, there almost seems like a disrespect. And this is just my point of view here from what I've observed and believe me, I've talked to thousands of women in the dating realm and I can tell you that I've seen a lot of disrespect from men from what I've heard from my clients.  So can you see why it's a dysfunctional dating process today? In fact, I continually say this.  Part of it is because these devices, and I want everyone to think about this for a moment. You know, I was really, I was watching a video with two evolutionary biologists talking and this had nothing to do with dating but they were talking particularly of the effects of technology in our world and how think about it. Literally, of humans beings, I don't know how long they've been on the planet with her, it's 200,000 years, but certainly civilized human beings, we go back 10,000 years. So if 10,000 years, do you realize that electricity was invented only 100 years ago? So there were none of these things. There wasn't even this way for me to communicate with you. So we are in brand new territory because of technology and in particular the technology surrounding the dating realm, this online dating process and think about it, think about this for a moment. If right now in history, we didn't have online dating during the pandemic, in fact, how are people going to meet? How are people going to connect? They weren't going out to work. They were stuck at home, many people were not all but they weren't meeting in their work environment. They weren't even socializing. So we only had this medium to meet people and why I'm saying the challenge with this is that, and I'm gonna get to the point of gaining respect in a moment, but I think this is a really important point is that most people, and I said earlier, this has to do with communication. Most humans weren't designed to communicate via our phones and what I mean particularly with our thumbs. That's not a real, very few of us were trained at communicating with our thumbs. And what I mean to say is we don't necessarily, what's here doesn't come out in our thumbs because it's oftentimes short bursts of conversations. Text message was really designed like, hey, I'm running five minutes late or what's your address to your house? It wasn't for true communication. And furthermore, think about this. If communication is 90% non-verbal, I mean, it's in three dimensions. As you're seeing hands moving, you can see the facial gestures and more importantly, you can get their pheromones involved. This is where a lot of communication is missed and there's a lot of struggle going on. And this is where a lot of the disconnect happens in particular with a level of respect because most humans haven't really been prepared for this much technology. And I got to share something with you all. My computer crashed yesterday and I went into an absolute panic attack. I mean, literally I was shaking so much that I called my son. There's a picture of Colin. I said, Colin, please meet me at the store. I got to buy a new computer because I got to shoot a video today. And I was in such terror because I'm in that baby boom Gen X period where we didn't we're raised with technology.  I grew up when there was originally black and white television and it was a big deal when we got our first calculator when I was growing up.  That was a big deal in the house, a calculator. Now they give them away at grocery stores.  We weren't, certainly we are designed for it. That's not fair to say, but I don't believe we were prepared for this much infusion of technology in our lives. And when somebody said that computers were user friendly, I can tell you, I was trying to figure out the lighting on my keyboard with this new computer. And it took me an hour just to figure out how to do it. And this was after doing research. All right. So you're probably going, Jonathan, what about the topic? Listen, I think this is important to understand that a lot of disrespect is usually centered around the inability to communicate effectively with our thumbs. Number one, I also believe that the vast majority of human beings have terrible relationship skills and emotional maturity skills. If you're not familiar with my emotional maturity chart, I show it pretty frequently, but I believe roughly 60% of the population has dysfunctional relationship skills. And what that really means is that ability to really communicate effectively with another human being. And this is certainly true in the workplace as well. There are a lot of people that don't like each other that work together because they have poor communication skills. So what does this have to do with this topic? How does a man gain your respect? Well, I think how a person shows up in the early stages of the dating process gives you an indication if they're actually capable of leaning into a healthy, happy relationship. Not leaning back, but leaning into a healthy, happy relationship. So we're going to talk about those five ways a guy is going to show gain, what is the topic again? Five things men do to gain your respect. Having a little brain fart right now. So here's my notes, da, da, da. So let's talk about it right now. One thing I do want to say though, in the Gottman's work, and by the way, I talk about this book frequently, The Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. And why I bring this up is this is a great book to help you understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And this actually creates eight separate conversations that are critical to determining if you're a good fit with one another. And the beauty of this book, it actually is a great basis for developing emotional, or developing intimacy, which eventually leads to emotional safety. And think about respect. Feeling respected and feeling trust in a relationship makes you feel safe, feeling respected, feeling trust. And trust is all about, I want everyone to think about this. This isn't about fidelity. This isn't about trusting that your partner won't sleep with someone else. Real trust is the person cares about your feelings as much as you care about your feelings. The person cares about your feelings as much as you care about your feelings. You know, it fascinates me, and I've mentioned this before, and I'm doing another squirrel here for a moment, and I'll get to the topic in a second, so give me a second. But you know what's fascinating to me?  But sometimes, I mean, they may not know the person's last name. Those are usually those hookup situations. But you might not even know the person's birthday. You might not know the person's favorite color. You might not know their two closest friends. You might not know where they grew up, where they went to high school. There's so many things you don't know about a person.  Isn't that fascinating? I mean, it didn't used to be that.  Well, this was, if we didn't meet someone at a bar, because if you met someone at a bar, alcohol had a way of breaking down all kinds of boundaries. And I'm not recommending that. I'm just saying, you know, used to be, that's where we met people. That's when I was growing up.  Now we can meet people online. And the beauty of meeting people online is we can actually pre-qualify our prospect if we choose to learn the skills to ask better questions in the early stages to determine, does this person share my values? Is this person's lifestyle blendable with mine? And lastly, does this person, you know, maybe you can ask enough questions where you can determine, is this person even emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship? All right, I've gone through my little rhetoric. Now I'm gonna get to those five things. I know you're waiting. So, and I see that the chat box is rolling right now. So number one, number one, he listens and acknowledges your point of view. He listens and acknowledges your point of view. And more importantly, he listens and acknowledges your feelings. One of the fundamentals of good relationship skills that actually help couples last the go the distance is that ability to listen to the other person's point of view and actually acknowledge and accept that person's point of view as being true for them. Conflict resolution skills is one of the weakest skills for most couples. And it's actually one of the primary reasons why they end up breaking up is because they have poor communication skills when they get into conflict. And usually most people when they're in conflict is I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right. And there's not finding that common ground. Not finding that common ground. And so it's really incumbent upon people, at least my recommendation, is to learn better communication skills. This is why I continually recommend the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Non-Violent Communication. By the way, this should have been titled Compassionate Communication. By the way, there's a link below to all the Jonathan recommends books in the description there, okay? And in addition, this is a new book, I'm just starting to read and I'm loving it. It's called I Hear You, The Surprisingly Simple Skills Behind Extraordinary Relationship. And this gives you great examples of how to just tweak your communication just a little bit so you can actually feel seen, heard and understood. And remember when I said earlier, most people operate from the premise of getting their own needs met. I have a theory in dating today. Usually two people show up in their egoic self trying to be seen, heard and understood. And they're mostly vomiting on the other person instead of actually engaging with them in healthy communication. They're oftentimes just spouting their resume versus really engaging with another person. So healthy communication skills, listening and acknowledging the person's other point of view. Number two, this is how a man shows you, he's actually showing you respect when he expresses gratitude for your efforts towards him. He expresses gratitude for your efforts towards him. And what I mean to say is when you do something kind, he's actually acknowledging it not from a passive thank you perspective. By the way, I want everyone to really adopt these three words in their lexicon. And that is the word of gratitude, actually more than three words, but gratitude, grateful and appreciation. Gratitude, grateful and appreciation. I know gratitude and grateful are kind of the same but they're still just variations of the same word. I believe it's a lot better to use the word. I really appreciate that you took me out to this really nice restaurant versus thank you for taking me out in the restaurant. It has more power. The word appreciation has a lot of power. The word gratitude, I'm really grateful that you were kind. And by the way, this is what men should be doing so I'm giving you the reverse here. But it doesn't matter, whatever. It's like, hey, I really appreciate. When a guy says, I appreciate, I'm grateful. It says the word gratitude that you made dinner for me the other night. That's a heck of a lot more powerful than just thank you. Okay, number three, number three. He apologizes in a healthy way. He apologizes in a healthy way. We are all gonna have disagreements and there are always gonna be times that men do some bonehead moves.  I know a lot of you put me up on a pedestal. I am not as evolved as you think I am. I'll show you the coffee mug in a second. I've said bonehead moves and apologizing in a healthy way looks like this. It represents the four Rs, the four Rs. And that is to, or actually there's technically five Rs, but there's four of these, is to recognize what was done wrong or what might've been said wrong. Number one, to recognize it. Number two, to have either regret or remorse for what happened, regret or remorse. Number three, you take responsibility. Take responsibility for your actions. And lastly, you offer some remedy. So it doesn't happen again. Recognize, regret and remorse, responsibility and remedy. When a guy actually apologizes in a healthy way, that is because he's trying to gain your respect. He's trying to show you he is a genuine trustworthy guy. And yet sadly, and this is sad. Most human beings, they're liberal of apologies. Oh, I'm sorry that happened. I'm sorry that happened. I'm sorry that happened. That's like, that's not an apology. Apologies, taking ownership, having a little bit of remorse, you know. You know, trying to come up with a remedy, taking responsibility, that is a genuine and sincere apology. And number four, he compliments your accomplishments. He compliments your accomplishments. Wait, you know, it's funny. I was with a friend the other day and she told me something that happened in her life. And now at the moment it escapes me. Of course I'm on camera now and it totally escapes me. And of this friend, I just, I was so happy for her accomplishment that I complimented her. You know, that's a great sign. Someone is into you that they're trying to gain your respect. They acknowledge and compliment your efforts.  So this is a little bit different than expressing gratitude for your efforts. This is more about complimenting you and being your cheerleader. And when a man is a genuine cheerleader and go, oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice.  Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Hey, have a good day. Did you have a blessed day? That's like the rhetoric today. I'm talking about encouraging people to go deeper than the surface. And lastly, and most importantly, number five is he is transparent about his relationship desires. He is transparent about his relationship desires. And I'm gonna show everybody my example so you can get an idea of what this looks like. But my real, and by the way, I was just talking to another male friend last night.  And this is what a relationship looks like. I'm like, are you listening from my playbook? I loved it. And this was someone I'd never spoken to before. I know I said friend, but more like a social acquaintance. And I was like, I was like fascinated. And I'm like, me too of the same thing. So let me just share with you just to give you an example of what transparency looks like in the way of a relationship. And I say this frequently, so you all, most of my regulars know this rhetoric. I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That's my desire. Is it gonna look like that? I don't know. It's not an absolute, but at least I have a clear understanding and I articulate that. That's what transparency looks like. And given that this is the most important factor in a relationship is being transparent with another. I'm also a big proponent of being vulnerable and authentic with someone, vulnerable, authentic and transparent, the VAT as I call it. When a man is transparent about his relationship desires, he's treating you with a level of respect. And my hope is that you're actually experiencing these kinds of men. I know it's frustrating out there. So let me just say, if you need some support in this area, then check out the link to a free discovery call with me because my area of expertise is teaching you how to vet for those emotionally available men and teaching you how to ask the right questions based on your individual personality. So I can help you avoid the looky lose out there and there's a lot of looky lose out there and those men and there are plenty of men who are seeking a serious relationship.  And there are a lot of sincere men who are thirsty for a serious committed relationship. We have to throw out, look at, I don't wanna throw out the baby with the bathwater because let's face it. I said 60% of people are dysfunctional. I didn't include those 20% who have clinical issues in their lives. So yes, there's gonna be a lot of people that aren't a good fit for you. And at the same time, when you show up just like what I just shared here today, everything goes both ways. When you show up that way, you actually will become more of a magnetic attractor for what you want. Does that resonate with you? Give me a thumbs up, give me an amen, okay? All right, I think this will be a good place to start our live Q and A for those who are on live right now. There's a chat box in the corner. If you have a question for me, post the word question and then write your question thereafter or purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. If you're not familiar with this, all of them, and there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All of the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's my son right there, Connor. Oh, he's my son who passed away a few years ago in his honor. I've started a scholarship fund. Actually, can I say one other thing about Connor? Everyone hold on for a second because I'm really excited about this as well. This is for only those of you on the video can see this but I've been waiting seven months for this but for those who know Connor's nickname is Salty and he was born in 1999, check out my new license plate. I'm so excited I get to put, I just got this today, waited seven months to get this, all of that transportation issues going on. So anyway, really excited about that and all the monies from the Super Chats and Super Stickers goes to that scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those that are seeking personal development help as well as donating to social personal development places like the Hoffman process and Insight. So check out the link for a Super Sticker or Super Chat and if you're listening to the audio portion of this you won't be able to do that. So no worries here. All right, let's take a look at what we have in the way of questions. Sherry says that license plate is awesome. Now you can have Connor with you everywhere you go. I know I'm so excited plus my car is black and I did get a license plate frame that says in the honor of Connor. So that's no disrespect to my other son, Colin. He and I spend a lot of time together and so I'm very blessed to have him in my life as well. All right, let's see what kind of questions we have. All right, Heather writes in question. What is your favorite dating site and why? What is your favorite dating site and why? You know, that's a great question because I'm on, I'll be candid with you. As far as dating sites, I'm on Match. That's primarily it. I'm on Millionaire Match. Mainly because I've actually met some really nice women on that site. I know it just happens to be. So match.com and then of the dating apps, Bumble, Hinge, Tinder and the League. Those are the primary ones. Is there any others? Let me look at my phone real quick because that might escape me. TikTok, does that count? No, I'm just kidding. So does YouTube count? So I think match.com is the best because on some level, because it provides more information than the dating apps. The dating apps themselves is purely our egoic way of shopping for people. And what I mean by egoic way, a superficial way because it's all based on looks, right? You're just swiping right, swiping left, based on looks. And then there's some bio in there. What I like about match.com is the person has more room, 400 characters to write an essay that gives more information whether they drink, whether they smoke, what's their politics, what's their religion? Although now Bumble does that and even Hinge does that. Some of the other ones don't. And so I think match.com is the best. The problem is I used to really love match.com. I believe that the dating apps, the ones on our phones have kind of bastardized what originally was a great way to meet people through the dating sites when there was more information. And even though match has their own app, which is great, for the most part, I think more people are gravitating towards the dating apps and all those great people that used to be on match.com aren't on it anymore. So it's kind of a catch 22. So this requires a lot more effort in the swiping realm because oftentimes we base things based on looks. And I got to tell you folks, and this is just a man speaking. I know you ladies can say the same thing. 99 out of 100 dating profiles I look at are absolute garbage.  Most of the photographs are so poorly taken care of and their methodology makes me wonder, do these people really want to have a serious relationship? Let me just show you something.  And I'm like, why would someone want to swipe on that? You don't even know what they look like. I get it, whether she's vaccinated or she believes in it. Great, but this isn't here to point out your political point of views. This is about being seen by other people.  So coming back to the original question, I tend to like match.com because it has more information there.  And that's really kind of sad. Anyway, that's my thoughts on that, Heather. Thank you so much. All right, really quickly, I want to acknowledge there were a couple of super stickers earlier. I saw them. I want to thank Christina for the $5 super sticker. Thank you so much, Connor Fun and Galen. Thank you so much as well. I really appreciate it. If my work means something to you, that is the one a really sweet way as well as your gratitude and appreciation, just to acknowledge, even with a dollar super sticker, it just shows, it tells me that this is making a difference in your life. So thank you so much. All right, let's see what other questions we have. Again, post the word question and write the question there after. Okay, Monique writes, question. Just how independent are men typically? Are they more independent than women? So I'm not really sure I know the answer to independence because I know significant men are very independent. I know significant women who are independent and what? And then we have to look at co-dependency, level of co-dependency versus interdependency. I think the real question you're asking is are men more set in their ways than women? That's the real question I think you're asking is are men more set in their ways than women? And I believe that both men and women after about age 50 and with each year thereafter, I think the older you get when you pass this kind of halfway mark, where the years in front of you are shorter than the years behind you and not to suggest people can't live in their hundreds, but the average age, I think here in the United States is around 80 years. So if you've hit 50 years old, the more closer you get to death and taxes, sorry to say, about the taxes part, I'm laughing. The closer we get to the end of the road, we become more set in our ways. So I do believe men tend to be more set in their ways, but I know a lot of women as they age, they get set in their ways. It's like, look, you're like, I've been doing this for so long. I mean, and I've got my groove going. I've got my routine. Like for me, I have my daily routine. You know, I haven't been in a relationship in a while. So I've been such a routine that it's gonna take someone pretty extraordinary to break that routine. It's gonna actually sometimes take someone extraordinary just to go out on a date with them. Cause why break up the routine? I know my friend, Ariel Ford posted a blog recently how single people are possibly finding themselves to be more happier than those that are in relationship. In fact, I think she called, I think it was called solo hood was the article around it.  I thought you'd get a kick out of that. So what's interesting about single people now, single people tend to exercise more. They tend to travel more. They tend to volunteer more. They tend to be more active in their lives than people are in relationship tend to be sedentary. And now actually after COVID, there was so many couples that broke up because they couldn't find, they found themselves with contention with one another. This comes back to this relationship skills. I talk about how so many people have poor relationship skills. So, and by the way, when you're independent or you're by yourself, you don't have to be so dependent on good relationship skills to actually be in with relationship with someone. Now, the challenge though is that it's human nature to desire to be in a relationship. It's human nature to want connection. It's human nature to want some level of emotional safety with another human being. The problem I think the reason why people are becoming more independent or I'm gonna say set in their ways is because they don't feel emotionally safe to even put themselves out there. And I think this is true for men and women alike. I think there's a lot of fear of putting yourself out there because if you've been had one, I'm gonna use the word failure, but I mean ending, but if you've had one failure after another failure after another failure that wears on your emotional wellbeing. And by the way, humans already struggle in the area of emotional wellbeing. This is why I say dating triggers the number one emotional health issue, which is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. This is why I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? There's a link below to get the book. This is a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So you can start to develop a vaccination to emotional chaos. And it actually allows you to appreciate if you actually choose to remain in that solo hood or single hood, it's okay. You know, relationships aren't, listen, I do believe that relationships are underrated from the perspective of a lot of people don't know how to be in a good relationship. Or overrated. I don't know which one it is. But what I want to say this is, you know, I think also learning to have a healthy, self-esteem, self-reliance, self-care, self-confidence is hugely important. And sometimes that's actually better done by yourself in an independent state versus being in a relationship.  So it allows us an opportunity to work on ourselves. And if you're not familiar with the book, the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process, this is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas. And let's face it, a lot of human beings have childhood wounds and traumas. So I'm a big proponent of doing inner work.  I don't know how else to answer that. So coming back to your original question, Noni, just how independent are men typically? Are they more independent? I think people just get set in their ways and this is true of men and women alike. So thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, we're gonna take a few more questions. We got Sicily that says, amen, thank you so much. Teresa's got a little hearts. What does Bonnie say? We're already drunk and we're drinking wine. It's Friday night. Yay! I was gonna go out tonight, but believe me, that computer crash they shared with you earlier really messed up my cheek. So I need to relax tonight. I barely slept last night over that stress. Oh my God. So, all right. JJ says, what do you look for in a woman? What is your ideal partner? I'm assuming you're asking me that question so it's a personal question. So I'm more than happy to share that. I think one of the most, a couple of important things I'm looking for is, I'm gonna say what one of the, I'm gonna just give you the, it's not the top thing, but it's in my top three. This is just something I'm really, is my oxygen, if you will. I'm attracted to women who have a curious mind and love exploring philosophical ideas about what's happening in the world today, what's happening in relationships, and really discussing things from both of, from a factual level, from a philosophical level, from a theologic perspective. I'm open. To me, my oxygen is communication. That's my oxygen is communication. By the way, I'm gonna share a meme that I share frequently with everybody real quick, so bear with me. And I've shown this before, but this really illustrates what I'm looking for. So I'm gonna show it with everyone.  I like people with depth who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't wanna know what's up. I am so tired of the rhetoric. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a blessed day. Make sure you have a really good day. Now, what turns me on is a curious mind. That's what turns me on.  And this book by Robert Masters, I'm sorry about the lighting. I'll put it over here. That makes it better. Emotional intimacy. I am a junkie for emotional intimacy. And let me just say, I'm a junkie for physical intimacy. I love to fuck, okay? And I do, I mean, when I say that I mean making love, I know you guys get it, but I just love the act of connecting with the person. But it's not, it's also looking deep in their eyes when we are physically intimate. But what's most important is whether, it's not the spooning before, I mean, the after. What I love is even if we had morning, you know, afternoon sex, that we sit on the couch and then we're talking with each other. We're talking about philosophical things. We're talking about personal development. We're talking about self-help, spiritual work. That's my jam. That's my oxygen. That's what turns me on. Now, I don't know, I know a lot of guys, I actually, my circle of friends are very much similar. That's their jam. I hang out with guys who, a lot of them are already married, but they have wives like that. And that's what I'm thirsty for. So this is why I'm such a big proponent of radical honesty right from the beginning in the dating process.  I dig, I dig, I dig. I'm like, I wanna see if this person has the capacity to keep up with me. And look, I'm not asking, look it. I've been told I can be intimidating or intense, but, and I get it, but I'm like, it's just, look it. I know there are women who can keep up with me or probably far surpass me. This isn't about intellect or IQ. And I know there are women that can go deep. I know there's a level of fear out there. That's, it's kind of inherent because everybody is a stranger. But I think how we break the, how we break that barrier of someone being a stranger is having intimate conversations. And I don't mean divulging a secret, okay? I'm not saying you're suggesting you divulge a secret or anything that can be used against you.  I'm sorry, but asking, are you in therapy right now? Have you ever done therapy? That's a question I like to ask. And then I'm like, when they tell me they are, I'm like, really, would you be open to sharing more? And having a real dialogue around that, that's what turns me on.  Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. All right. I wanna thank JJ for that question. Thank you so much for asking. I really appreciate it. All right. Natalie says, oh my God, Jonathan, it's meant for you to have the unique license, oh, the license plate about Connor. Thank you so much. All right, let's see, let's go swim in. What other questions do we have? Oh, I go scroll. Again, Bonnie says, Jonathan, will you read chapters to us of those good books to us on Sunday nights? Maybe I'll start up, if we wanna start up, if someone starts a book club, everyone listening right now, if you start a book club or you're in a book club and you'd like to join, have me join you one night on a Zoom call, thumbs up, just send a message to my office at support at understand men now or go to my website, understand men now or my name. You can see my name is right, wait, where's my name? Right here, right, there's my name. Okay, there's my name. Jonathanasley.com, send a message to my staff and I'll join you on a book reading. All right, thank you so much for that question. All right. Kara says, Jonathan, well said, well said, Jonathan, about laying photos on dating apps. I see so much of the same from men. The best is when there are only photos of scenery. Those are the best. They say they don't wanna focus on looks.  That's another conversation. I'll talk about that on Valentine's Day. I can't stand scenery pictures. I get it that you have a dog, but showing me a photo of your dog is, I mean, I get it, that's great. What's most important is most humans need to see six quality photographs of you, head shots, body shots, and it's okay to have a dog in the picture. So let me show you all what my dating app looks like just to give you an example of what I think is a good one. I'm a little biased. This might be my ego talking. So this is my dating profile. That's, that's my first picture. Okay? You can't tell, but that's a quality photograph. It's a little blurry right now, but that's a quality photograph. The next picture. Okay? You can't tell because it's a little fuzzy with the camera. It's a quality photograph. Next picture. Speaking of dog, quality photograph, quality photograph. Okay? Next picture. This way you can see my body. I'm wearing sunglasses. I'm not a big fan of that, but this is a quality photograph. You can see I'm not, you know, my body type. Next, this is a fun photograph of me. Isn't that fun? Wearing my yoga pants. That was where I got crowned Emperor Jonathan the Lionhearted, Emperor Jonathan the Lionhearted. And lastly, a picture of my favorite books to show you this, by the way, this photo of my favorite books gets 80% of my comments. 80% of my comments. So coming back to lame photographs, I don't listen. I speak from where I come. And what attracts me most is when a woman has the same type of thing, same quality photographs. Okay. Thank you so much for that question. We're gonna take one or two more before we wrap up today. Canadian tea says, question. I've been seeing a man that is very kind but closed off. He has watched your videos and read some of the books, but still doesn't easily relax or open up. Am I wasting my time? Well, I don't know what you mean by open up, but I guess the real question is, what do you two talk about? What do you talk about? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Did you have a really good day? I'm sorry, I'm being, that was crass and I apologize. So what did you discuss about my videos?  I can understand that. So ask questions that evoke feeling questions. How did you feel about Jonathan's videos? How did you feel about the books? Folks asking feeling questions. I know you've been indoctrinated by a lot of women coaches that men use thinking questions and women use feeling questions. We gotta change that. Emotional intimacy is all about feeling questions. So start asking feeling questions and keep doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it.  All right, so I'm sorry for that crassness right there, but I think you get the gist of where I'm going. Ask more feeling questions. Folks, relationships require emotional safety for them actually to listen, my parents were married 66 years before my mother passed away. And every couple I've spoken to, that's over 50 years marriage has said the same thing. I married my best friend. What is an element of marrying your best friend? And that's not that they married their best friend. The person they married became their best friend. What is the one fundamental of every best friend you have in your life? What's one fundamental? I suspect it's that you can be vulnerable, authentic and transparent with them. In other words, you can say almost anything to them.  And I'm here to say how you're going to evoke more heart connection with a guy and start asking feeling questions. And just start asking and see what happens. By the way, dig a little, dig a little, dig a little. And if he's not capable, you know, and by the way, I want you to read one more book in that context, Making Love All The Time by Barbara DeAngeles. I love, love, love her work. Her work is brilliant at helping you connect on a heart-centered level with somebody. In fact, you may want to also, for your own edification, is read the book, this is the CD version, of Return to Love by Mary Ann Williamson. This will help you to connect to your own heart at the same time. So I highly recommend that as well. And don't read this book. Don't read the book, The Rules, because that's game-playing and that's not gonna work.  So you don't play the rules game-base, read the books I recommend. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please give me a thumbs up or an amen. All right, Canadian T. Attic, thank you so much. All right, Bonnie says more books, Erg. So I want to address that Bonnie. I'm gonna call you out. So why do I share so many books with everybody? Because the reality is, is in these videos, I can't teach you how to improve your life. And I'm a big believer, whether it's books, whether it's, by the way, most of these books, you can watch a YouTube video on it. You can watch a YouTube video on it. It could be, you have to spend hours upon hours of time. You can also do the audio versions of this book. But these are the tools to actually becoming a better human being for yourself. I get it. You don't want to read these books.  They want, you know, here in the United States, we want fast food relationships. We want it all served up so easily for us.  Because a lot of people, as I said in the beginning of this broadcast, operate, and don't mean disrespect for you. Okay, this, I'm you, thank you for pointing it out. But I'm talking to the entire audience that gets frustrated with me sharing books.  But we have a very self-serving audience. They want it served up on a platter. Instead of actually doing the inner work. And folks, look it. I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? Because when Connor passed away, this was the, I wanted to encourage people the understanding of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, and reading these books and going to workshops and listening to CDs and doing trainings and going to therapy, it's going to change your life. It's a vaccination to emotional chaos. And I'm a big proponent of folks doing inner work as a preparation to be in a relationship. So earn the books. This is my rebuttal to that. So you have a choice. You can do it. What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. So just try it. By the way, do you know how many women write me? I always say ladies before the penis goes inside the vagina, read, get two copies of the book, eight dates and read it with guys. I'm telling you, I'm getting email after email after email from women who are doing this because I'm getting a larger audience right now. And they're telling me, it's bringing two people closer together. So you have a choice. And I'm going to quote a line from my famous favorite movie and we're going to wrap up for the day.  Does anyone know where that quote is from?  I'll give you a hint. The person who said it was Andy Dufresne. Timothy Robbins was the actor. All right, post that movie in the comments there below. All right, this will be a great place to wrap up today. I hope you found value in what I shared. If you did, please post a comment below on anything you want to add. I do my best to read them all. Please like this video right now. Please share it with some friends, some more people can find me. And if you want to talk to me, if you want to schedule a discovery call with me, check out the link below. Check out my podcast, follow me on Instagram. Check out all the books I recommend. And if you can't afford coaching, check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. The link is below. All right, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do.  I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I want to thank, let's see who we're going to thank here today who stayed till the end. Oh my gosh. So Christina, Sandra, Canadian Tea, Sherry, Kelly, Bonnie, Jackie, one voice for you, Bonnie, Linda, Nadine. Oh, I can't get miss zero. Christina, Piper, thank you, Sandra. Thank you all so much. Wishing you a super duper, wonderful evening. Bye-bye now. Woo.


Gun Smoke, brought to you by Chesterfield, made the modern way with accurate, smoother, cooler, best for you. Around Dodge City and in the territory on West, there's just one way to handle the killers in the spoilers, and that's with a U.S. Marshal and the smell of Gun Smoke. Gun Smoke, starring William Conrad. The transcribed story of the violence that moved West with Young America, and the story of a man who moved with it. I'm that man, Matt Dillon, United States Marshal. The first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It's a chancy job, and it makes a man watchful, and a little lonely. Dodge had been real quiet all that week. No new herds had come up the trail. No buffalo hunters had drifted in off the prairie. No ox trains had arrived back from Santa Fe. The town just sat there like a plain girl at a party waiting to dance. But there was no dancing for Dodge. Not until Friday night there wasn't. I'd go not to see a rancher friend that afternoon, and it was near midnight when I got back and rode up Front Street, but a small crowd gathered opposite the Long Branch. I dismounted and walked over. At the center of the crowd I found Doc and Chester crouched over a man sprawled in the dust, a man somebody had put a bullet in. It's Ben Williams, Mr. Dillon. Who did it, Chester? Nobody don't know. He rode off too fast. Anybody see it? Miss Kitty did. She's standing over there by the Long Branch now. He's dead, Matt. It wasn't much I could do for him. A nice fellow like Ben Williams. Never hurt nobody. He bled to death. Somewhere's inside. Was he conscious at all, Doc? He was until a few minutes ago. He say anything about who shot him or why? You know somebody called El Cater? El Cater? All right. That's a town, Doc, not a person. Well, they kept trying to say something about it. All I could make out was the name. I didn't want him talking anyway. The car Williams came from up around El Cater, didn't he, Chester? Well, he had a little ranch up there one time. Ben Williams was a good man, man. Yeah, Doc. Chester. Yes, sir. I'm going over and talk to Kitty for a minute. Find me a fresh horse and saddle one of your own, huh? We're going to be riding out of here in a few minutes. Yes, sir. I'll hurry, Mr. Dillon. I hope you get him, Matt. Go wherever he is. Ben didn't deserve that. Not being killed that way. He didn't deserve being killed at all, Kitty. Of course he didn't. How'd it happen? Well, Ben and I were having a drink inside, and we heard a couple of shots in the street here, and then somebody helped Ben to come out. How'd the man who killed him? It must have been. Ben didn't want to go, but I guess he figured he had to. I got by the window. I could see Shippen out there on his horse. Shippen? Lou Shippen. That's what Ben said when he heard him yell. All right, then. What happened? Well, Ben walked out into the street, right up to him. He didn't even draw his gun, but Shippen must have been holding his in his lap. He suddenly shot Ben twice and then rode off as fast as he could. He murdered him, Matt. Can you tell me what the Shippen looked like, Kitty? He's too dark. I don't even know what color his horse was. Yeah. Yeah, that's not going to make him very easy to find. But you find him, Matt. You find him. Put a smile in your smoking. It's as easy as ABC, because Chesterfield's made with Accur-A-R-A. Always milder. B. Better tasting. C. Cooler smoking. Yes, a Chesterfield is always milder. That's because Accur-A controls your Chesterfield in the making, gives it a more even distribution of fine tobaccos that burn more evenly, smoke much milder. A Chesterfield is better tasting. That's because an Accur-A Chesterfield draws more easily, lets you enjoy all the wonderful flavor. And a Chesterfield is cooler smoking. 14% more perfectly packed than cigarettes made without Accur-A.  No hotspots. No hard draw. So the next time you buy cigarettes, stop. Remember, an Accur-A Chesterfield is A. Always milder. B. Better tasting. C. Cooler smoking. Put a smile in your smoking. Just give them a try. Chesterfield's best for you. They satisfy. All I had to go on was a name and a place. The place was El Cater, a little sunburned town a hundred miles to the north. There was a saloon and a restaurant and a hotel and a stable and miraculously a telegraph office. But even so, El Cater didn't add up to much. It was still the crossroads of nothing. It was known to the second day when we rode up the almost deserted Main Street. Hot, subtle weary, hungry. Where are we going to go first, Mr. Jones? We'll put our horses in the stable, Chester, and then we'll take a look around. I've already seen all I want to of this place, except maybe the inside of that restaurant. And I've been thinking, Chester... Maybe we'll stop there first? Oh, no, no. About Louis Shippen. I finally remembered her. I've seen his name. You have? Of course. I want it over in Wichita. And I can't remember his description. Well, that's easy. All you got to do now is telegraph for it. Yeah. Ain't there nobody at this stable? Yeah, it doesn't look like it. Well, here comes somebody. Hello. You got room for a couple of horses, Mr. I reckon. They've got a hard ride. You got any grain? I might scare some up. Yeah, good. Wait a minute. Where'd you make this hard ride? Where are you from? Dodge. You're the Marshal. Yeah, that's right. I thought Marshal's traveled alone. Sometimes they do. Well, I tell you, Marshal, I got a little mixed up. I didn't sleep. You woke me. I plum-forgot. Forgot what? I can't get your horses here. There ain't no room. Well, now here, you just said you could. The stable's all full. And I got no crown. I can see some empty stalls through the door there. Them spoke for her. What is it, Mr. Everything was fine until I told you I'm a Marshal. I can't help it if the stable's full. These horses are going in there, Mr. And you're gonna feed them. Now look, Mr. Now we're gonna be back directly to see that they're all right And believe me, that better be. All right, let's take them in, Shuster. Don't look like much of a hotel. We don't have much choice. I'm sure I'd rather sleep outdoors. Good morning, gentlemen. Hello. We're looking for a room. You mean two rooms? All right, two rooms. Of course, one room would be cheaper. And noisier, my friend here snores. Oh, now you always say that, but I never heard me snore.  Now, gentlemen, please. You don't mean it. Do you, Mr. Dillon? Dillon. Marshal Dillon? Yeah, is there something wrong? No, no. You've been expecting me, is that right? I never heard of you before. That's one line. I tell me another one. Have you ever heard of Lou Shippen? Shippen? No, not around here. Never heard of him. Uh-huh. All right, let's see those rooms. I'm sorry, Marshal. I made a mistake. I forgot there are a lot of people coming in tonight. Our rooms are all taken. A lot of people coming in from where? No, it's true. I forgot all about it. Oh, you just go on forgetting about it. Now throw me a couple of those keys before I lose my temper. We're here and we're going to stay. Again, I feel like a frothy dog, Mr. Dillon. Like a what? They're calling them slavern dogs that run around drooling and biting people and making them sick. Oh. I never been treated so bad before in all my life. That's Lou Shippen, Chester. He's here somewhere. My guest says he's told everybody in town they got to get us to move on. Well, why would they care? He's a killer, Chester, and they know it. And they're afraid of it. You want something? Yeah, I want to send a telegram. You do? Where? Wichita. I wrote it out of the hotel. Sheriff Wichita, need full description of Lou Shippen. All right, what's the matter? Nothing, nothing. Send to me an El Cater at once. Matt Dillon, U.S. Marshall. Look, mister, it's... It's Henkel, Marshall, Mr. Henkel. All right, Mr. Henkel, are you going to send that or am I going to have trouble with you, too? Trouble? I know Lou Shippen's got this town scared to death of him, but all the time I made some of you people scared of me. It might as well start with you. Now, Marshall, I don't want any trouble.  Shouldn't we have waited to make sure he's really going to send it, Mr. Dillon? He isn't going to send it, Chester. There's no way I can make him. Why, ain't there? I don't know Morse code. He could send anything he wanted. Oh, God, Mr. Dillon, this town scares me. Any man here might be Lou Shippen just waiting for an easy chance to shoot you in the back. And I got an idea how I can smoke him out, Chester. I'm going to have to tell a few lies to good. Right now, let's get something to eat, huh?  It's as easy as A, B, C because Chester feels made with accurate R, A Always milder. B, better tasting. C, cooler smoking. Yes, a Chester feel is always milder. That's because accurate controls your Chester feel in the making gives it a more even distribution of fine tobaccos that burn more evenly, smoke much milder. A Chester feel is better tasting. That's because an accurate Chester feel draws more easily. Let's you enjoy all the wonderful flavor. A Chester feel is cooler smoking. 14% more perfectly packed than cigarettes made without accurate.  No hot spots, no hard draw. So the next time you buy cigarettes, stop. Remember, an accurate Chester feel is A, always milder. B, better tasting. C, cooler smoking. Put a smile in your smoking, just give them a try Chester feels best for you. They satisfy. I know what's wrong this time, Mr. Billing. Oh, what? The way they eat. My, that restaurant puts out the mustiest smelling beef stew I ever seen. That was goat stew, Chester. Goat. I need a drink. Here's the place to get it. Yeah, if they'll service. They'll service, all right. Bartender, word gets around fast, doesn't it? Well, Cater's a small town. Uh-huh. Small and scared. I don't know what you mean. You don't know Lou Shippen either, do you? Lou Shippen? No. No, I don't know him. Well, he might be one of the men sitting at that table behind me there. You better do your drink in some place else. There isn't any other place. Now fetch us a bottle of rye, or I'll come back there and do it myself. I aim to have a drink. Those men gave him a go-ahead sign, Chester. Did you see who it was? No, I didn't. I was watching the market. Ah, one of them's Lou Shippen. Yes, sure, but they sick something to choose from. There comes that telegraph operator. Ah, Mr. Henkel. Come over here. What do you want me for? I want to buy you a drink. Bring a glass to Mr. Henkel, Bartender. Here you are. I don't want a drink, Marshal. That's what you came in here for, wasn't it? I... I don't need a drink. Shippen. There's gonna be a fight. You stay here, Mr. Henkel. All right, tell him it's all right to drink with me, Shippen.  And by 10 o'clock tonight, I'm gonna know which one. Isn't that right, Mr. Henkel? I didn't send that telegram. That's the truth. I didn't send it. You sent it? I stood there and watched you. But I didn't. You sent my telegram and we'll have an answer by 10 o'clock tonight. Now, you're lying. That isn't true. You'd be wasting my time here if it wasn't.  Drink up, Mr. Henkel. Now, Kay, I'll be over about 10, Mr. Henkel. I'm coming with you. Are you afraid of Shippen? All right, come on.  You've got to help me, Marshal. He'll kill me now.  Which one is he, Mr. Henkel? I can't tell you. Why not? He's a devil with a gun.  All right, it doesn't matter. I'll find him later. But I didn't send any telegram.  Doesn't matter, Mr. Henkel. What are you gonna do? Now, for one thing, I'm gonna see you're in your office tonight and that you stay there. That's all you have to worry about. I'll handle the rest. It must be close to half past nine, ain't it? Yeah, just about. Can you see Mr. Henkel? Yeah, he's in there. He's pretty fidgety, too. Well, I don't blame it. He knows Lou Shippen is gonna come after him and he don't know we're laying out here waiting. No, he doesn't. Maybe Shippen will figure you was lying and stay away. He can't take that chance, Chester. He's gotta come. We're sure stuck if he don't. We won't never find him. Shh, quiet, Chester. We'll look coming. Right, but I'll have office. Yeah, you stay here. All that, Shippen.  I don't know. Watch it.  I'm sure I'll smarter than you, Marshall. He was lying about Henkel sending that telegram. Yeah. I had no way of knowing for sure.  I never liked him. You killed him because you didn't like him? Good reason as any for killing the man. Oh, my goodness. Why did you stay here on El Cater? Buttoned you right on. Here's my home. Nobody's gonna push me out of it. Except you, Marshall. You pushed me all the way out. I swear I never heard nothing like it, Mr. Dillon. He must have been plum crazy. He's probably killed a lot of people we don't even know about, Chester. And for no better reason. I mean, it's a good thing he's dead. Yeah. I guess so. I guess it is. In a moment, our star, William Conrad. If you want tomorrow's better cigarette today, next time you buy cigarettes, stop. Remember, only Chesterfield is made the modern way with Accure. You'll notice how fresh and good Chesterfield's made with Accure taste, how smooth they are, and how they satisfy. So buy Chesterfield today, smoother, cooler, best for you. You know, some of the roughest citizens on the frontier were bread and Oklahoma territory. And when two of them arrived in Dodge at the same time, that meant trouble. And that's our story for next week, so until then, good night. Gunsmoke, produced and directed by Norman McDonald, stars William Conrad as Matt Dillon, U.S. Marshal. Our story was specially written for Gunsmoke by John Meston, with music composed and conducted by Rex Corey. Sound patterns by Tom Hanley and Bill James. Monday, October 24th is UN Day, the 10th anniversary of the founding of the United Nations. The strength of the UN as a force for peace depends on your support. Remember, the UN works for you. Make today your big red letter day, your L and M red letter day. Superior taste and filter, it's the miracle tip. Make today your big red letter day, change to L and M today. L and M's got everything. Superior taste. And superior filter. Get L and M today. This is it. L and M, superior taste and filter. Superior taste from Richard Tobacco's, tastier, light and mild. Superior filter. It's white, pure white. Added to L and M Tobacco's, this miracle tip actually improves your enjoyment. Look for the big red letters. Smoke L and M. America's best. L and M's got everything. Get L and M today. Be sure and listen to Gunsmoke again next week at this time. Let's drive for Chesterfield.