Chapter 9 of THE INTERESTING NARRATIVE OF THE LIFE OF OLAUDA EQUIANO THE INTERESTING NARRATIVE OF THE LIFE OF OLAUDA EQUIANO Chapter 9 The author arrives at Martinico, meets with new difficulties, gets to Montserrat, where he takes leave of his old master and sails for England, meets Captain Pascal, learns the French horn, hires himself with Dr. Irving, where he learns to freshen seawater, leaves the doctor, and goes a voyage to Turkey and Portugal, and afterwards goes a voyage to Grenada and another to Jamaica. He returns to the doctor, and they embark together on a voyage to the North Pole, with the honourable Captain Phipps. Some account of that voyage and the dangers the author was in. He returns to England. I thus took a final leave of Georgia, for the treatment I had received in it disgusted me very much against the place, and when I left it and sailed for Martinico I determined never more to revisit it. The captain conducted his vessel safer than my former one, and, after an agreeable voyage, we got safe to our intended port. While I was on this island I went about a good deal, and found it very pleasant. In particular I admired the town of Saint-Pierre, which is the principal one in the island, and built more like a European town than any I had seen in the West Indies. General also slaves were better treated, had more holidays, and looked better than those in the English islands. After we had done our business here I wanted my discharge, which was necessary, for it was then the month of May, and I wished much to be at Montserrat to bid farewell to Mr. King, and all my other friends there, in time to sail for Old England in the July fleet. But alas! I had put a great stumbling block in my own way, by which I was near losing my passage that season to England. I had lent my captain some money, which I now wanted to enable me to prosecute my intentions. This I told him, but when I applied for it, though I urged the necessity of my occasion, I met with so much shuffling from him that I began at last to be afraid of losing my money, as I could not recover it by law, for I have already mentioned that, throughout the West Indies, no black man's testimony is admitted on any occasion against any white person whatever, and therefore my own oath would have been of no use. I was obliged, therefore, to remain with him till he might be disposed to return it to me. Thus we sailed from Martinico for the Granadas. I frequently pressing the captain for my money to no purpose, and, to render my condition worse, when we got there the captain and his owners quarreled, so that my situation became daily more irksome. For besides that, we on board had little or no vitals allowed us, and I could not get my money nor wages. I could then have gotten my passage free to Montserrat had I been able to accept it. The worst of all was that it was growing late in July, and the ships in the islands must sail by the twenty-sixth of that month. At last, however, with a great many entreaties, I got my money from the captain, and took the first vessel I could meet with, for St. Eustacea. From thence I went in another to Basseterre in St. Kitt's, where I arrived on the nineteenth of July. On the twenty-second, having met with a vessel bound to Montserrat, I wanted to go in her, but the captain and others would not take me on board until I should advertise myself and give notice of my going off the island. I told them of my haste to be in Montserrat, and that the time then would not admit of advertising it being late in the evening and the captain about to sail, but he insisted it was necessary, and otherwise he said he would not take me. This reduced me to great perplexity, for if I should be compelled to submit to this degrading necessity, which every black free man is under, of advertising himself like a slave when he leaves an island, and which I thought a gross imposition upon any free man, I feared I should miss that opportunity of going to Montserrat, and then I could not get to England that year. The vessel was just going off, and no time could be lost. I immediately therefore set about, with a heavy heart, to try who I could get to befriend me in complying with the demands of the captain. Luckily I found in a few minutes some gentlemen of Montserrat whom I knew, and having told them my situation, I requested their friendly assistance in helping me off the island. Some of them, on this, went with me to the captain, and satisfied him of my freedom, and to my very great joy he desired me to go on board. We then set sail, and the next day, the twenty-third, I arrived at the wished-for place, after an absence of six months, in which I had more than once experienced the delivering hand of providence, when all human means of escaping destruction seemed hopeless. I saw my friends with a gladness of heart, which was increased by my absence and the dangers I had escaped, and I was received with great friendship by them all, but particularly by Mr. King, to whom I related the fate of his sloop, the Nancy, and the causes of her being wrecked. I now learned, with extreme sorrow, that his house was washed away during my absence by the bursting of a pond at the top of a mountain that was opposite the town of Plymouth. It swept a great part of the town away, and Mr. King lost a great deal of property from the inundation, and nearly his life. When I told him I intended to go to London that season, and that I had come to visit him before my departure, the good man expressed a great deal of affection for me, and sorrow that I should leave him, and warmly advised me to stay there, insisting, as I was much respected by all the gentlemen in the place, that I might do very well, and in a short time have land and slaves of my own. I thanked him for this insistence of his friendship, but, as I wished very much to be in London, I declined remaining any longer there, and begged he would excuse me. I then requested he would be kind enough to give me a certificate of my behaviour, while in his service, which he very readily complied with, and gave me the following. Monserrat, January 26th, 1767 The bearer hereof, Gustavus Vassa, was my slave for upwards of three years, during which he has always behaved himself well, and discharged his duty with honesty and assiduity. Robert King. To all whom this may concern. Having obtained this, I parted from my kind master, after many sincere professions of gratitude and regard, and prepared for my departure for London. I immediately agreed to go with one Captain John Hamer, for seven guineas, the passage to London, on board a ship called the Andromache, and on the twenty-fourth and twenty-fifth I had free dances, as they are called with some of my countrymen, previous to my setting off. After which I took leave of all my friends, and on the twenty-sixth I embarked for London, exceedingly glad to see myself once more on board of a ship, and still more so in steering the course I had long wished for. With a light heart I bade Monserrat farewell, and never had my feet on it since, and with it I bade Adieu to the sound of the cruel whip, and all other dreadful instruments of torture, Adieu to the offensive sight of the violated chastity of the sable females, which has too often accosted my eyes, Adieu to oppressions, although to me less severe than most of my countrymen, and Adieu to the angry howling dashing serfs. I wished for a grateful and thankful heart to praise the Lord God on high for all his mercies. We had a most prosperous voyage, and at the end of seven weeks arrived at Cherry Garden Stairs. Thus were my longing eyes once more gratified with a sight of London, after having been absent from it above four years. I immediately received my wages, and I never had earned seven guineas so quick in my life before. I had thirty-seven guineas in all when I got cleared of the ship. I now entered upon a scene quite new to me but full of hope. In this situation my first thoughts were to look out for some of my former friends, and amongst the first of those were the Miss Garrens. As soon, therefore, as I had regaled myself, I went in quest of those kind ladies, whom I was very impatient to see, and with some difficulty and perseverance I found them at Maze Hill Greenwich. They were most agreeably surprised to see me, and I quite overjoyed at meeting with them. I told them my history, at which they expressed great wonder, and freely acknowledged it did their cousin, Captain Pascal, no honour. He then visited there frequently, and I met him four or five days after in Greenwich Park. When he saw me he appeared a good deal surprised, and asked me how I came back. I answered, in a ship, to which he replied dryly, I suppose you did not walk back to London on the water. As I saw by his manner that he did not seem to be sorry for his behaviour to me, and that I had not much reason to expect any favour from him, I told him that he had used me very ill, after I had been such a faithful servant to him for so many years, on which, without saying any more, he turned about and went away. A few days after this I met Captain Pascal at Miss Karen's house, and asked him for my prize money. He said there was none due to me, for, if my prize money had been ten thousand pounds, he had a right to it all. I told him I was informed otherwise, on which he bade me defiance and, in a bantering tone, desired me to commence a lawsuit against him for it. There are lawyers enough, said he, that will take the cause in hand, and you had better try it. I told him then that I would try it, which enraged him very much. However, out of regard to the ladies, I remained still, and never made any farther demand of my right. Some time afterwards these friendly ladies asked me what I meant to do with myself, and how they could assist me. I thanked them, and said, if they pleased, I would be their servant, but if not, as I had thirty-seven guineas, which would support me for some time, I would be much obliged to them to recommend me to some person who would teach me a business, whereby I might earn my living. They answered me very politely that they were sorry it did not suit them to take me as their servant, and asked me what business I should like to learn. I said, hairdressing. Then they promised to assist me in this, and soon after they recommended me to a gentleman whom I had known before, one Captain O'Hara, who treated me with much kindness, and procured me a master, a hairdresser, in Coventry Court Haymarket, with whom he placed me. I was with this man from September till the February following. In that time we had a neighbour in the same court who taught the French horn. He used to blow it so well that I was charmed with it, and agreed with him to teach me to blow it. Accordingly he took me in hand, and began to instruct me, and I soon learned all the three parts. I took great delight in blowing on this instrument, the evenings being long, and besides that I was fond of it I did not like to be idle, and it filled up my vacant hours innocently. At this time also I agreed with the Reverend Mr. Gregory, who lived in the same court, where he kept an academy and an evening school, to improve me in arithmetic. This he did as far as barter and allegation, so that all the time I was there I was entirely employed. In February 1768 I hired myself to Dr. Charles Irving in Palmall, so celebrated for his successful experiments in making sea water fresh, and here I had plenty of hairdressing to improve my hand. This gentleman was an excellent master. He was exceedingly kind and good-tempered, and allowed me in the evenings to attend my schools, which I esteemed a great blessing. Therefore I thanked God and him for it, and used all my diligence to improve the opportunity. This diligence and attention recommended me to the notice and care of my three perceptors, who on their parts bestowed a great deal of pains in my instruction, and besides were all very kind to me. My wages, however, which were by two-thirds less than I ever had in my life, for I had only twelve pounds per annum, I soon found would not be sufficient to defray this extraordinary expense of masters and my own necessary expenses. My old thirty-seven guineas had by this time worn all the way to one. I thought it best, therefore, to try the sea again in quest of more money, as I had been bred to it, and had hitherto found the profession of it successful. I had also a very great desire to see turkey, and I now determined to gratify it. Accordingly, in the month of May 1768, I told the doctor my wish to go to sea again, to which he made no opposition, and we parted on friendly terms. The same day I went into the city in quest of a master. I was extremely fortunate in my inquiry, for I soon heard of a gentleman who had a ship going to Italy and Turkey, and he wanted a man who could dress hair well. I was overjoyed at this, and went immediately on board of his ship, as I had been directed, which I found to be fitted up with great taste, and I already foreboded no small pleasure in sailing in her. Not finding the gentleman on board, I was directed to his lodgings, where I met with him the next day, and gave him a specimen of my dressing. He liked it so well that he hired me immediately, so that I was perfectly happy, for the ship, master and voyage were entirely to my mind. The ship was called the Delaware, and my master's name was John Jolly, a neat, smart, good-humored man, just such and one as I wished to serve. We sailed from England in July following, and our voyage was extremely pleasant. We went to Villa Franca, Nice, and Leghorn, and in all these places I was charmed with the richness and beauty of the countries, and struck with the elegant buildings with which they abound. We had always in them plenty of extraordinary good wines and rich fruits, which I was very fond of, and I had frequent occasions of gratifying both my taste and curiosity, for my captain always lodged on shore in those places, which afforded me opportunities to see the country around. I also learned navigation of the mate, which I was very fond of. When we left Italy, we had delightful sailing among the archipelago islands, and from thence to Smyrna in Turkey. This is a very ancient city. The houses are built of stone, and most of them have graves adjoining to them, so that they sometimes present the appearance of churchyards. Provisions are very plentiful in this city, and good wine less than a penny a pint. The grapes, pomegranates, and many other fruits were also the richest and largest I ever tasted. The natives are well-looking and strong-made, and treated me always with great civility. In general I believe they are fond of black people, and several of them gave me pressing invitations to stay amongst them, although they keep the Franks, or Christians, separate, and do not suffer them to dwell immediately amongst them. I was astonished in not seeing women in any of their shops, and very rarely any in the streets, and whenever I did they were covered with a veil from head to foot, so that I could not see their faces, except when any of them out of curiosity uncovered them to look at me, which they sometimes did. I was surprised to see how the Greeks are, in some measure, kept under by the Turks, as the Negroes are in the West Indies by the white people. The less refined Greeks, as I have already hinted, dance here in the same manner as we do in my nation. On the whole, during our stay here, which was about five months, I liked the place and the Turks extremely well. I could not help observing one very remarkable circumstance there. The tails of the sheep are flat, and so very large, that I have known the tail even of a lamb, to weigh from eleven to thirteen pounds. The fat of them is very white and rich, and is excellent in puddings, for which it is much used. Our ship, being at length, richly loaded with silk and other articles, we sailed for England. In May 1769, soon after our return from Turkey, our ship made a delightful voyage to Oporto in Portugal, where we arrived at the time of the Carnival. On our arrival there were sent on board to us thirty-six articles to observe, with very heavy penalties if we should break any of them, and none of us even dared to go on board any other vessel or on shore till the Inquisition had sent on board and searched for everything illegal, especially Bibles. Such as were produced, and certain other things, were sent on shore till the ships were going away, and any person in whose custody a Bible was found concealed was to be imprisoned and flogged, and sent into slavery for ten years. I saw here many very magnificent sights, particularly the Garden of Eden, where many of the clergy and laity went in procession in their several orders with the host, and sung Te Deum. I had a great curiosity to go into some of their churches, but could not gain admittance without using the necessary sprinkling of holy water at my entrance. From curiosity, and a wish to be holy, I therefore complied with this ceremony, but its virtues were lost on me, for I found myself nothing the better for it. This place abounds with plenty of all kinds of provisions. The town is well-built and pretty, and commands a fine prospect. Our ship, having taken in a load of wine and other commodities, we sailed for London, and arrived in July following. Our next voyage was to the Mediterranean. The ship was again got ready, and we sailed in September for Genoa. This is one of the finest cities I ever saw. Some of the edifices were of beautiful marble, and made a most noble appearance, and many had very curious fountains before them. The churches were rich and magnificent, and curiously adorned both in the inside and out. But all this grandeur was in my eyes disgraced by the galley slaves, whose condition both there and in other parts of Italy is truly piteous and wretched. After we had stayed there some weeks, during which we bought many different things which we wanted and got them very cheap, we sailed to Naples, a charming city, and remarkably clean. The bay is the most beautiful I ever saw. The moles for shipping are excellent. I thought it extraordinary to see grand operas acted here on Sunday nights, and even attended by their majesties. I too, like these great ones, went to those sites, and vainly served God in the day while I thus served Mammon effectually at night. While we remained here there happened an eruption of Mount Vesuvius, of which I had a perfect view. It was extremely awful, and we were so near that the ashes from it used to be thick on our deck. After we had transacted our business at Naples we sailed with a fair wind once more for Smyrna, where we arrived in December. A Seraskir, or officer, took a liking to me here and wanted me to stay, and offered me two wives. However, I refused the temptation. The merchants here travel in caravans, or large companies. I have seen many caravans from India, with some hundreds of camels laden with different goods. The people of these caravans are quite brown. Among other articles they brought with them a great quantity of locusts, which are kind of pulse, sweet and pleasant to the palate, and in shape resembling French beans, but longer. Each kind of goods is sold in a street by itself, and I always found the Turks very honest in their dealings. They let no Christians into their mosques or churches, for which I was very sorry, as I was always fond of going to see the different modes of worship of the people wherever I went. The plague broke out while we were in Smyrna, and we stopped taking goods into the ship till it was over. She was then richly laden, and we sailed in about March 1770 for England. One day in our passage we met with an accident, which was near burning the ship. A black cook, in melting some fat, overset the pan into the fire under the deck, which immediately began to blaze, and the flame went up very high under the fore-top. With the fright the poor cook became almost white and altogether speechless. Happily, however, we got the fire out, without doing much mischief. After various delays in this passage, which was tedious, we arrived in Standgate Creek in July, and at the latter end of the year some new event occurred, so that my noble captain, the ship and I, all separated. In April 1771 I shipped myself as a steward with Captain William Robertson of the ship Granada Planter, once more to try my fortune in the West Indies, and we sailed from London for Madeira, Barbados, and the Granadas. When we were at this last place, having some goods to sell, I met once more with my former kind of West India customers. A white man, an islander, bought some goods of me to the amount of some pounds, and made me many fair promises as usual, but without any intention of paying me. He had likewise bought goods from some more of our people, whom he intended to serve in the same manner, but he still amused us with promises. However, when our ship was loaded and near sailing, this honest buyer discovered no intention or sign of paying for anything he had bought of us, but on the contrary, when I asked him for my money he threatened me and another black man he had bought goods of, so that we found we were like to get more blows than payment. On this we went to complain to one Mr. McIntosh, a justice of the peace. We told his worship of the man's villainous tricks, and begged that he would be kind enough to see us redressed. But, being negroes, although free, we could not get any remedy, and our ship being then just upon the point of sailing, we knew not how to help ourselves, though we thought it hard to lose our property in this manner. Luckily for us, however, this man was also indebted to three white sailors, who could not get a farthing from him. They therefore readily joined us, and we all went together in search of him. When we found where he was, I took him out of a house and threatened him with vengeance, on which, finding he was likely to be handled roughly, the rogue offered each of us some small allowance, but nothing near our demands. This exasperated us much more, and some were for cutting his ears off, but he begged hard for mercy, which was at last granted him, after we had entirely stripped him. We then let him go, for which he thanked us, glad to get off so easily, and ran into the bushes, after having wished us a good voyage. We then repaired on board, and, shortly after, set sail for England. I cannot help remarking here a very narrow escape we had from being blown up, owing to a piece of negligence of mine. Just as our ship was under sail, I went down into the cabin to do some business, and had a lighted candle in my hand, which, in my hurry, without thinking, I held in a barrel of gunpowder. It remained in the powder until it was near catching fire, when, fortunately, I observed it, and snatched it out in time. And, providentially, no harm happened, but I was so overcome with terror, that I immediately fainted at this deliverance. In twenty-eight days' time we arrived in England, and I got clear of this ship. But, being still of a roving disposition, and desirous of seeing as many different parts of the world as I could, I shipped myself soon after, in the same year, as steward on board of a fine large ship, called the Jamaica, Captain David Watt, and we sailed from England in December 1771 for Nevis and Jamaica. I found Jamaica to be a very fine large island, well-peopled, and the most considerable of the West India Islands. There was a vast number of Negroes here, whom I found as usual exceedingly imposed upon by the white people, and the slaves punished as in the other islands. There are Negroes whose business it is to flog slaves. They go about to different people for employment, and the usual pay is from one to four bits. I saw many cruel punishments inflicted on the slaves in the short time I stayed here. In particular I was present when a poor fellow was tied up and kept hanging by the wrists, at some distance from the ground, and then some half-hundred weights were fixed to his ankles, in which posture he was flogged most unmercifully. There were also, as I heard, two different masters noted for cruelty on the island, who had staked up two Negroes naked, and in two hours the vermin stung them to death. I heard a gentleman I well knew tell my captain that he passed sentence on a Negro man to be burnt alive for attempting to poison an overseer. I pass over numerous other instances in order to relieve the reader by a milder scene of roguery. Before I had been long on the island one Mr. Smith at Port Morant bought goods of me to the amount of twenty-five pounds sterling. But when I demanded payment from him he was going each time to beat me, and threatened that he would put me in jail. One time he would say I was going to set his house on fire, and another he would swear I was going to run away with his slaves. I was astonished at this usage from a person who was in the situation of a gentleman, but I had no alternative. I was therefore obliged to submit. When I came to Kingston I was surprised to see the number of Africans who were assembled together on Sundays, particularly at a large, commodious place called Spring Path. Here each different nation of Africa meet and dance after the manner of their own country. They still retain most of their native customs, they bury their dead, and put vitals, pipes and tobacco and other things in the grave with the corpse, in the same manner as in Africa. Our ship having got her loading we sailed for London, where we arrived in the August following. On my return to London I waited on my old and good master, Dr. Irving, who made me an offer of his service again. Being now tired of the sea I gladly accepted it. I was very happy in living with this gentleman once more, during which time we were daily employed in reducing old Neptune's dominions by purifying the briny element and making it fresh. Thus I went on till May 1773, when I was roused by the sound of fame to seek new adventures and to find, towards the North Pole, what our Creator never intended we should—a passage to India. An expedition was now fitting out to explore a northeast passage conducted by the honourable John Constantine Phipps, since Lord Mulgrave, in his majesty's sloop of war, the Race Horse. My master, being anxious for the reputation of this adventure, we therefore prepared everything for our voyage, and I attended him on board the Race Horse, the twenty-fourth day of May, 1773. We proceeded to Sheerness, where we were joined by his majesty's sloop, the Carcass, commanded by Captain Ludwig. On the fourth of June we sailed towards our destined place, the Pole, and on the fifteenth of the same month we were off Shetland. On this day I had a great and unexpected deliverance from an accident which was near blowing up the ship and destroying the crew, which made me ever after during the voyage uncommonly cautious. The ship was so filled that there was very little room on board for any one, which placed me in a very awkward situation. I had resolved to keep a journal of this singular and interesting voyage, and I had no other place for this purpose but a little cabin, or the doctor's storeroom, where I slept. This little place was stuffed with all manner of combustibles, particularly with tow and aquafortis and many other dangerous things. Unfortunately it happened in the evening, as I was writing my journal, that I had occasion to take the candle out of the lantern, and a spark having touched a single thread of the tow, all the rest caught the flame, and immediately the hole was in a blaze. I saw nothing but present death before me, and expected to be the first to perish in the flames. In a moment the alarm was spread, and many people who were near ran to assist in putting out the fire. All this time I was in the very midst of the flames, my shirt and the handkerchief on my neck were burnt, and I was almost smothered with the smoke. However through God's mercy, as I was nearly giving up all hopes, some people brought blankets and mattresses and threw them on the flames, by which means in a short time the fire was put out. I was severely reprimanded and menaced by such of the officers who knew it, and strictly charged never more to go there with a light, and indeed even my own fears made me give heed to this command for a little time. But at last, not being able to write my journal in any other part of the ship, I was tempted again to venture by stealth with a light in the same cabin, though not without considerable fear and dread on my mind. On the twentieth of June we began to use Dr. Irving's apparatus for making salt water fresh. I used to attend the distillery. I frequently purified from twenty-six to forty gallons a day. The water thus distilled was perfectly pure, well-tasted and free from salt, and was used on various occasions on board the ship. On the twenty-eighth of June, being in latitude seventy-eight, we made Greenland, where I was surprised to see the sun did not set. The weather now became extremely cold, and as we sailed between north and east, which was our course, we saw many very high and curious mountains of ice, and also a great number of very large whales which used to come close to our ship and blow the water up to a very great height in the air. One morning we had vast quantities of seahorses about the ship, which nade exactly like any other horses. We fired some harpoon guns amongst them in order to take some, but we could not get any. The thirtieth, the captain of a Greenland ship came on board and told us of three ships that were lost in the ice. However we still held on our course till July the eleventh, when we were stopped by one compact impenetrable body of ice. We ran along it from east to west above ten degrees, and on the twenty-seventh we got as far north as eighty-thirty-seven, and in nineteen or twenty degrees east longitude from London. On the twenty-ninth and thirtieth of July we saw one continued plane of smooth unbroken ice bounded only by the horizon, and we fastened to a piece of ice that was eight yards eleven inches thick. We had generally sunshine and constant daylight, which gave cheerfulness and novelty to the whole of this striking, grand and uncommon scene, and to heighten it still more the reflection of the sun from the ice gave the clouds a most beautiful appearance. We killed many different animals at this time, and among the rest, nine bears. Though they had nothing in their ponches but water, yet they were all very fat. We used to decoy them to the ship sometimes, by burning feathers or skins. I thought them coarse eating, but some of the ship's company relished them very much. Some of our people once in the boat fired at and wounded a sea-horse, which dived immediately, and in a little time after brought up with it a number of others. They all joined in an attack upon the boat, and were with difficulty prevented from staving or over-setting her. But a boat from the carcass having come to assist ours and joined it, they dispersed, after having rested an oar from one of the men. One of the ship's boats had before been attacked in the same manner, but happily no harm was done. Though we wounded several of these animals, we never got but one. We remained hereabouts until the first of August, when the two ships got completely fastened in the ice, occasioned by the loose ice that set in from the sea. This made our situation very dreadful and alarming, so that on the seventh day we were in very great apprehension of having the ships squeezed to pieces. The officers now held a council to know what was best for us to do in order to save our lives, and it was determined that we should endeavour to escape by dragging our boats along the ice towards the sea, which, however, was farther off than any of us thought.  However, we sawed some of the ice about the ships to keep it from hurting them, and thus kept them in a kind of pond. We then began to drag the boats as well as we could towards the sea, but after two or three days of labour we made very little progress, so that some of our hearts totally failed us, and I really began to give myself up forlost when I saw our surrounding calamities. While we were at this hard labour I once fell into a pond we had made amongst some loose ice, and was very near being drowned, but providentially some people were near who gave me immediate assistance, and thereby I escaped drowning. Our deplorable condition which kept up the constant apprehension of our perishing in the ice brought me gradually to think of eternity in such a manner as I never had done before. I had the fears of death hourly upon me and shuddered at the thoughts of meeting the grim king of terrors in the natural state I then was in, and was exceedingly doubtful of a happy eternity if I should die in it. I had no hopes of my life being prolonged for any time, for we saw that our existence could not be long on the ice after leaving the ships, which were now out of sight and some miles from the boats. Our appearance now became truly lamentable, pale dejection seized every countenance, many who had been before blasphemers, in this our distress began to call on the good god of heaven for his help, and in the time of our utter need he heard us, and against hope or human probability delivered us. It was the eleventh day of the ships being thus fastened, and the fourth of our drawing the boats in this manner, that the wind changed to the east-north-east. The weather immediately became mild, and the ice broke towards the sea, which was to the south-west of us. Many of us on this got on board again, and with all our might we hove the ships into every open water we could find, and made all the sail on them in our power, and now, having a prospect of success, we made signals for the boats and the remainder of the people. This seemed to us like a reprieve from death, and happy was the man who could first get on board of any ship or the first boat he could meet. We then proceeded in this manner till we got into the open water again, which we accomplished in about thirty hours, to our infinite joy and gladness of heart. As soon as we were out of danger we came to anchor and refitted, and on the nineteenth of August we sailed from this uninhabited extremity of the world, where the inhospitable climate affords neither food nor shelter, and not a tree or shrub of any kind grows amongst its barren rocks. But all is one desolate and expanded waste of ice, which even the constant beams of the sun for six months in the year cannot penetrate or dissolve. The sun now being on the decline the days shortened as we sailed to the southward, and on the twenty-eighth, in latitude seventy-three, it was dark by ten o'clock at night. September the tenth, in latitude fifty-eight, fifty-nine, we met a very severe gale of wind and high seas, and shipped a great deal of water in the space of ten hours. This made us work exceedingly hard at our pumps a whole day, and one sea, which struck the ship with more force than anything I ever met with of the kind before, laid her under water for some time, so that we thought she would have gone down. Two boats were washed from the booms, and the long boat from the chucks, all other movable things on the deck were also washed away, among which were many curious things of different kinds, which we had brought from Greenland, and we were obliged in order to lighten the ship to toss some of our guns overboard. We saw a ship, at the same time, in very great distress, and her masts were gone, but we were unable to assist her. We now lost sight of the carcass till the twenty-sixth, when we saw land about Orfordness, off which place she joined us. From thence we sailed for London, and on the thirtieth came up to Detford, and thus ended our arctic voyage to the no small joy of all on board after having been absent four months, in which time, at the imminent hazard of our lives, we explored nearly as far towards the pole as eighty-one degrees north and twenty degrees east longitude, being much farther by all accounts than any navigator had ever ventured before, in which we fully proved the impracticability of finding a passage that way to India. End of Chapter 9, read by Kara Schallenberg, www.kray.org, on March 15, 2007, in Oceanside, California. Chapter 10 of the interesting narrative of the life of Olauda Equiano. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information, or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Monsbru, Helsingfors, Finland. Chapter 10 of the interesting narrative of the life of Olauda Equiano by Olauda Equiano. Chapter 10. The author leaves Dr. Irving and engages on board a Turkish ship, account of a black man's being kidnapped on board and sent to the West Indies, and the author's fruitless endeavors to procure his freedom, some account of the manner of the author's conversion to the faith of Jesus Christ. Our voyage to the North Pole being ended, I returned to London with Dr. Irving, with whom I continued for some time, during which I began seriously to reflect on the dangers I had escaped, particularly those of my last voyage, which made a lasting impression on my mind, and by the grace of God, proved afterwards a mercy to me. It caused me to reflect deeply on my eternal state, and to seek the Lord with full purpose of heart ere it was too late. I rejoiced greatly, and heartily thanked the Lord for directing me to London, where I was determined to work out my own salvation, and in so doing, procure a title to heaven, in the result of a mind blended with my ignorance and sin. In process of time I left my master, Dr. Irving, the purifier of waters, and lodged in Coventry Court Haymarket, where I was continually oppressed and much concerned about the salvation of my soul, and was determined, in my own strength, to be a first-rate Christian. I used every means for this purpose, and not being able to find any person amongst my acquaintance that agreed with me in points of religion or in scriptural language that would shoo me any good. I was much dejected and knew not where to seek relief. However, I first frequented the neighbouring churches, St. James's and others, through or three times a day, for many weeks. Still I came away dissatisfied, something was wanting that I could not obtain, and I really found more heartfelt relief in reading my Bible at home than in attending the church. And being resolved to be saved, I pursued other methods still. First I went among the Quakers, where the Word of God was neither read or preached, so that I remained as much in the dark as ever. Then I searched into the Roman Catholic principles, but was not in the least satisfied. At length I had recourse to the Jews, which availed me nothing for the fear of eternity daily harassed my mind, and I knew not where to seek shelter from the wrath to come. However, this was my conclusion at all events, to read the Four Evangelists, and whatever sect or party I found adhering thereto, such I would join. Thus I went on heavily, without any guide to direct me the way that leadeth to eternal life. I asked different people questions about the manner of going to heaven, and was told different ways. Here I was much staggered, I could not find any at the time more righteous than myself, or indeed so much inclined to devotion. I thought that we should not all be saved, this is agreeable to the holy scriptures, nor would all be damned. I found none among the circle of my acquaintance that kept holy the ten commandments. So righteous was I in my own eyes, that I was convinced I excelled many of them in that point, by keeping eight out of ten, and finding those who in general termed themselves Christians, not so honest or so good in their morals as the Turks. I really thought the Turks were in a safer way of salvation than my neighbors. So that between hopes and fears I went on, and the chief comforts I enjoyed were in the musical French horn, which I then practised, and also dressing of hair. Such was my situation some months, experiencing the dishonesty of many people here. I determined at last to set out for Turkey, and there to end my days. It was now early in the spring 1774. I sought for a master, and found the captain John Hughes, commander of a ship called Anglikiania, fitting out in the River Thames, and bound to Smyrna in Turkey. I shipped myself with him as a steward. At the same time I recommended to him a very clever black man, John Annis, as a cook. This man was on board the ship nearly two months, doing his duty. He had formerly lived many years with Mr. William Kirkpatrick, a gentleman on the island of St. Kitt's. From whom he parted by consent, though he afterwards tried many schemes to invagle the poor man. He had applied many captains who traded to St. Kitt's to repan him, and when all their attempts and schemes of kidnapping proved abortive, Mr. Kirkpatrick came to our ship at Union Stairs on Easter Monday, April the 4th, with two wary boats and six men, having learned that the man was on board, and tied and forcibly took him away from the ship in the presence of the crew and the chief mate. Who had detained him after he had noticed the come away. I believe that this was a combined piece of business, but at any rate it reflected great disgrace on the mate and captain, also who, although they had desired the oppressed man to stay on board. Yet he did not in the least assist to recover him, or pay me a farthing of his wages, which was about five pounds. I proved the only friend he had, who attempted to regain him his liberty if possible, having known the want of liberty myself. I sent as soon as I could to Gravesend, and got knowledge of the ship in which he was, but unluckily she had sailed the first tide after he was put on board. My intention was then immediately to apprehend Mr. Kirkpatrick, who was about setting off for Scotland, and having obtained the habeas corpus for him, and got the tipstaff to go with me to St. Paul's churchyard where he lived, he, suspecting something of this kind, set a watch to look out. My being known to them occasioned me to use the following deception. I whitened my face, that they might not know me, and this had its desired effect. He did not go out of his house that night, and the next morning I contribed a well plotted stratagem, notwithstanding he had a gentleman in his house to personate him. My direction to the tipstaff, who got admittance into the house, was to conject him to a judge according to the writ. When he came there, his plea was, that he had not the body in custody, on which he was admitted to bail. I proceeded immediately to that philanthropist, Granville Sharp, a squire, who received me with the utmost kindness, and gave me every instruction that was needful on the occasion. I left him in full hope that I should gain down happy man his liberty, with the warmest sense of gratitude towards Mr. Sharp for his kindness. But alas, my attorney proved unfaithful. He took my money, lost me many months employed. I did not do the least good in the chaos, and when the poor man arrived at St. Kitt's, he was, according to custom, staked to the ground with four pins through a cord, two on his wrists and two on his ankles, was cut and flogged most unmercifully, and afterwards loaded cruelly with irons about his neck. I had two very moving letters from him while he was in this situation. And also was told of it by some very respectable families now in London, who saw him in St. Kitt's in the same state in which he remained till death kindly released him out of the hands of his tyrants. During this disagreeable business I was under strong convictions of sin, and thought that my state was worse than any man's. My mind was unaccountably disturbed. I often wished for death. Though at the same time convinced I was altogether unprepared for suffering much by villains in the late course, and being much concerned about the state of my soul, these things, but particularly the latter, brought me very low so that I became burdened to myself and viewed all things around me as emptiness and vanity, which could give no satisfaction to a troubled conscience. I was again determined to go to Turkey and to solve at that time never more to return to England. I engaged the steward on board to the western hall, Captain Linnah, but was prevented by means of my late captain, Mr Hughes and others. All disappeared to be against me, and the only comfort I then experienced was in reading the holy scriptures, where I saw that there is no new thing under the sun. And what was appointed for me I must submit to, as I continued to travel in much heaviness and frequently murmured against the Almighty, particularly in his parodian dealings. I had awful to think and to blaspheme and wished often to be anything but a human being. In these severe conflicts the Lord answered me by awful visions of the night when deep sleep falleth upon men in slumberings upon the bed, Job 3315. He was pleased in much mercy to give me to see and in some measure to understand the great and awful scene of judgment day that no unclean person, no unholy thing aphesians 55. I would then, if it had been possible, have changed my nature with the meanest worm of the earth. I was ready to say to the mountains and rocks fall on me, Revelation 616. But all in vain I then requested the Divine Creator that he would grant me a small space of time to repent of my follies and vile iniquities which I felt were grievous. The Lord in his manifold mercies was pleased to grant my request and being yet in a state of time in the sense of God's mercies was so great on my mind when I awoke that my strength entirely failed me for many minutes and I was exceedingly weak. This was the first spiritual mercy I was ever sensible of and being on praying ground as soon as I recovered a little strength and got out of bed and dressed myself I invoked heaven from my inmost soul and fervently begged that God would never again permit me to worship the last theme his most holy name. The Lord, who is long-suffering and full of compassion to such poor rebels as we are, condescended to hear an answer. I felt that I was altogether unholy and so clearly what a bad use I had made of the faculties I was endowed with. They were given me to glorify God with, I thought. Therefore, I had better want them here and enter into life eternal than abuse them and be cast wholeier than those with whom I was acquainted that the Lord would point them out to me I appealed to the searcher of hearts whether I did not wish to love him more and serve him better notwithstanding all this the reader may easily discern if he is a believer that I was still in nature's darkness at length I hated the house in which I lodged because God's most holy name was blaspheme in it then I saw the word of God verified while they are yet speaking I will hear I had a great desire to read the Bible the whole day at home but not having convenient place for retirement I left the house in the day rather than stay among the wicked ones and that day as I was walking it pleased God to direct me to a house where there was an old seafaring man who experienced much of the love of God shed abroad in his heart he began to discourse with me and as I decided to love the Lord his conversation rejoiced me greatly indeed I have never before heard the love of Christ the believer set forth in such a manner and in so clear a point of view here I had more questions to put to man than his time would permit him to answer and in that memorable hour there came in a dissenting minister he joined our discourse and asked me some few questions amongst other where I heard the Gospel preached and you know what he meant by hearing the Gospel I told him I had read the Gospel and he asked where I went to church whether I went at all or not to which I replied I attended St. James's St. Martins and St. Anne's Soho So said he, you're a churchman I answered I was he then invited me to a love feast at his chapel that evening I accepted the offer and thanked him and soon after he went away I had some further discourse with the old Christian added to some profitable reading which made me exceedingly happy when I left him he reminded me I assured him I would be there thus we parted and I waked over the heavenly conversation that had passed between these two men which cheered my then heavy and drooping spirit more than anything I had met with for many months however I thought the time long in going to my supposed banquet I also wished for the company of these friendly men their company bleached me much and I thought the gentleman very kind in asking me a stranger to a feast but how singular did it appear to me to have it in a chapel when the wished for hour came I went and happily the old man was there who kindly seated me as he belonged to the place I was much astonished to see the place filled with people and no signs of eating and drinking there were many ministers in the company at last they began by giving out hymns and between the singing the minister engaged in prayer in short I knew not what to make of this sight having never seen anything some of the guests began to speak their experience agreeable to what I read in the scriptures much was said by every speaker of the providence of God and his unspeakable mercies to each of them this I knew in a great measure and could most heartily join them but when they spoke of a future state they seemed to be altogether certain of their calling and election of God and that no one could ever separate them from the love of Christ or pluck them out of his hands filled with utter consternation intermingled with admiration I was so amazed as not to know what to think of the company my heart was attracted and my affections were enlarged I wished to be as happy as them and thus perciated in my mind that they were different from the world that lieth in wickedness 1st John 519 their language and singing etc did well harmonize and wished to live and die thus lastly some persons in the place produced some neat baskets full of buns which they distributed about and each person communicated with his neighbor and sipped water out of different mugs which they handed about to all who were present this kind of Christian fellowship I had never seen nor have I thought of seeing on earth it fully reminded me of what I read in the holy scriptures of the primitive Christians what I read in partaking of it even from house to house this entertainment which lasted about 4 hours ended in singing and prayer it was the first soul feast I was ever present at this last 24 hours produced me things spiritual and temporal sleeping and waking judgment and mercy that I could not but admire the goodness of God in directing the blind the blasphemous sinner and instead of judgment he had shoot mercy and will hear and answer the prayers and supplications of every returning prodigal oh to grace how great adept daily I am constrained to be after this I was resolved to win heaven if possible and if I perished I thought that I should be at the feet of Jesus in praying to him for salvation after having been an eye witness to some of the happiness which attended those who feared God do not how with any propriety to return to my lodgings where the name of God was continually profaned at which I felt the greatest horror I paused in my mind for some time not knowing what to do whether to hire a bed elsewhere or go home again at last, fearing an evil report might arise I went home with a favel to card playing and vain jesting etc I saw that time was very short eternity long and very near and I viewed those persons alone blessed who were found really at midnight call or when the judge of all both quick and dead come it the next day I took courage and went to Hallborn to see my new and worthy acquaintance the old man Mr. C he with his wife a gracious woman where at work at silk weaving they seemed mutually happy and both quite glad to see me and I more so to see them I sat down and we conversed about the matters etc the discourse was amazingly delightful edifying and pleasant I knew not at last how to leave this agreeable pair till time summoned me away as I was going there lent me a little book entitled the conversion of an Indian it was in questions and answers the poor man came over to sea to London to inquire after the Christians God who through rich mercy had found and had not his journey in vain the above book was of great use to me and at the time was a means of strengthening my faith however imparting the boat invited me to call on them when I pleased this delighted me and I took care to make all improvement from it I could and so far I thanked God for such company and desires I prayed that the many evils I felt within me might be gone away and that I might be weaned from my foreigner carnal acquaintances this was quickly heard and answered and I was soon connected with those whom the scripture calls the excellent of the earth I heard the gospel preached and the thoughts of my heart and actions were laid open by the preachers and the way of salvation by Christ alone was evidently set forth as I went on happily for near two months and I once heard during this period a reverent gentleman speak of a man who had departed this life in full assurance of his going to glory I was much astonished at the assertion and did very deliberately inquire how he could get at this knowledge I was answered fully agreeable to what I read in the oracles of truth and was told also that if I did not experience the new birth and the pardon of my sins through the blood of Christ before I died I could not enter the kingdom of heaven I knew not what to think of this report as I thought I kept eight commandments out of ten then my worthy interpreter told me I did not do so nor could I and he added that no man ever did or could keep the commandments without offending in one point I thought this sounded very strange and puzzled me for many weeks for I thought it a hard saying I then asked my friend Mr. L who was a clerk in a chapel why the commandments of God were given if we could not be saved by them to which he replied the law is a school master to bring us to Christ who alone could and did keep the commandments and fulfilled all the requirements for his select people even those to whom he had given a living fate and the sins of those chosen vessels were already atoned for and forgiven them whilst living and if I did not experience the same before my exit the Lord would say at the great day to me go ye cursed etc etc for God would appear faithful in his judgments to the wicked as he would be faithful in shooing mercy to those who were ordained to it before the world was therefore Christ Jesus seemed to be all in all to that man's soul I was much wounded at this discourse and brought into such a dilemma as I never expected I asked him if he was to die that moment whether he was sure to enter the kingdom of God and added do you know that your sins are forgiven you he answered in the affirmative then confusion anger and discontent ceased me and I staggered much at this sort of doctrine it brought me to a stand not knowing which to believe whether salvation by works or by faith only in Christ I requested him to tell me how I might know when my sins were forgiven me he assured me he could not and that none by God alone could do this I told him it was very mysterious but he said it was really matter of fact and quoted many portions of scripture immediately to the point to which I could make no reply he then desired to pray to God to shoo me these things I answered that I prayed to God every day he said I perceive you are a churchman I answered I was he then entreated me to beg of God to shoo me what I was and the true state of my soul was the prayer very short and odd so we parted for that time I weighed all these things well over and could not help thinking how it was possible for a man to know that his sins were forgiven him in this life I wished that God would reveal this self the same thing unto me in a short time after this I went to Westminster Chapel that ever Mr. P. preached it was a wonderful sermon he clearly shooed that every living man had no cause to complain for the punishment of his sins he evidently justified the Lord in all his dealings with the Son of Man he also shooed the justice of God in the eternal punishment of the wicked and impenitent the discourse seemed to me like a two-edged sword cutting always it afforded me much joy intermingled with many fears about my soul and when it was ended he gave it out that he intended the ensuing week to examine all those who meant to attend the Lord's table for good works and at the same time was doubtful of my being a proper object to receive the sacraments I was full of meditation to the day of examining however I went to the chapel and though much distressed I addressed the Reverend gentlemen thinking if I was not right he would endeavor to convince me when I conversed with him the first thing he asked me was what I know of Christ I told him I believed in him when were you brought to the knowledge of God and how were you convinced of sin and you know what he meant by these questions I told him I kept eight commandments out of ten but that I sometimes swore on board a ship and sometimes went on shore and broke the Sabbath he then asked me if I could read I answered yes then said he do you not read the Bible he that offends in one point is guilty of all I said yes he then assured me that once in undertone four was as sufficient to damn the soul as one leak was the sinker ship here I was struck with awe for the minister exhorted me much and reminded me of the shortness of time and the length of eternity and that no unregenerates soul or anything unclear could enter the kingdom of heaven he did not admit me as a communicant but recommended me to read the scriptures and hear the word preached not to neglect fervent prayer to God who had promised to hear the supplications of those who seek him in godly sincerity so I took my leave of him with many thanks and resolved to follow his advice so far the Lord would condense him to enable me during this time I was out of employ nor was I likely to get the situation suitable for me which obliged me to go once more to sea I engaged the steward of a ship called Hope Captain Richard Strange bound from London to Cadiz in Spain in a short time after I was on board I heard the name of God much blasphemed and I feared greatly lest I should catch the horrible infection I thought if I sinned again after having life and death set evidently before me I should certainly go to hell my mind was uncommonly chagrined and I murmured much at God's providential dealings with me and was discontented with the commandments that I could not be saved by what I had done I hated all things and wished I had never been born confusions eased me and I wished to be annihilated one day I was standing on the very edge of the stern of the ship thinking to drown myself but this scripture was instantly impressed on my mind that no murderer had eternal life abiding in him 1st John 315 and I thought myself the unhappiest man living again I was convinced that the Lord was better to me than I deserved and I was better off in the world than many after this I began to fear death I fretted, mourned and prayed till I became a burden to others but more so to myself at length I concluded to beg my bread on shore rather than go again to see among a people who feared not God and then treated the captain three different times to discharge me he would not have given greater encouragement to continue with him and all on board shooed me a very great civility notwithstanding all this I was unwilling to embark again at last some of my religious friends advised me by saying it was my lawful calling consequently it was my duty to obey and that God was not confined to place et cetera et cetera particularly Mr. G. S. the government of Tothill feels bride well who pitted my case and read the 11th chapter of the Hebrews to me he prayed for me and I believed that he prevailed on my behalf as my burden was then greatly removed and I found a heartfelt resignation to the will of God the good man gave me a pocket bible and Alan's alarm to the unconvented we parted and the next day I went on board again we sailed for Spain and I found favor with the captain it was the 4th of the month of September when we sailed from London we had a delightful voice to Kadeeth the 3rd of the same month the place is strong, commands a fine prospect and is very rich the Spanish galoons frequent that port and some arrived whilst we were there I had many opportunities of reading the scriptures I wrestled hard with God in fervent prayer when declared in his word that he would hear the groanings and deep sighs of the poor and spirit I found this verified to my utter astonishment and comfort in the following manner On the morning of the 6th of October I prayed you to attend or all that day I thought that I should either see or hear something supernatural I had a secret impulse on my mind of something that was to take place which drove me continually for that time to a throne of grace it pleased God to enable me to wrestle with him as Jacob did I prayed that if sudden death were to happen and I perished it might be at Christ's feet In the evening of the same day as I was reading and meditating on the 4th chapter of the Acts 12th verse under the solemn apprehensions of eternity and reflecting on my past actions I began to think that I had lived a moral life and that I had a proper ground to believe I had an interest in the divine favor but still meditating on the subject not knowing whether salvation was to be had partly for our own good deeds or solely as the sovereign gift of God In this deep consternation the Lord was pleased to break in upon my soul with the bright beams of heavenly light and in an instant as it were removing the veil and letting light into a dark place I saw clearly with the eye of fate the crucified savior bleeding on the cross and Mount Calvary the scriptures became an unsealed book I saw myself a condemned criminal under the law which came with its full force to my conscience and when the commandments came sin revived and I died I saw the Lord Jesus Christ in his humiliation loaded and bearing my reproach sin and shame I then clearly perceived that by the deeds of the law no living flesh could be justified I was then convinced that by the first Adam sin came and by the second Adam the Lord Jesus Christ all that I saved must be made alive it was given me at that time to know what it was to be born again John 3.5 I saw the 8th chapter to the Romans and the doctrines of God's decrees verified agreeable to his eternal everlasting and unchangeable purposes the word of God was sweet to my taste yes sweeter than honey and the honeycomb Christ was revealed to my soul as the chiefest among ten thousand these heavenly moments were really as life to the dead and what John calls an earnest of the spirit this was indeed unspeakable and I firmly believe undeniable by many now every leading providential circumstance that happened to me from the day I was taken from my parents that hour was then in my view as if it had been just then occurred I was sensible of the invisible hand of God which guided and protected me when in truth I knew it not still the Lord pursued me although I slighted and disregarded it this mercy melted me down when I considered my poor wretched state I wept seeing what a great debtor I was to a sovereign freeing grace now the Ethiopian was willing to be saved by Jesus Christ the sinner's only surety and also to rely on none other person or thing for salvation self was obnoxious and good works he had none for it is God that worketh in us both to will and to do the amazing things of that hour can never be told it was joy in the Holy Ghost I felt an astonishing change the burden of sin the gaping jaws of hell and the fears of death that weighed me down before now lost their horror indeed I thought death would now be an earthly friend I ever had such where my grief and joy as I believe are seldom experienced I was bathed in tears and so what am I that God should thus look on me the vilest of sinners I felt a deep concern for my mother and friends which occasioned me to pray with fresh ardor and in the abyss of thought I viewed the unconverted people of the world in a very awful state being without God and without hope it pleased God to pour out on me the spirit of prayer and the grace of supplication so that in loud acclamations I was able to praise and glorify his most holy name when I got out of the cabin and told some of the people what the Lord had done for me alas who could understand me I believe my report none but to whom the arm of the Lord was revealed I became a barbarian indeed it was sweet to my soul but to them a rock of offence I thought my case singular and every hour a day until I came to London for I much longed to be with some to whom I could tell the wonders of God's love towards me and joining prayer to him whom my soul loved and thirsted after I had uncommon commotions within such as few can tell all about now the Bible was my only companion and comfort I prized it much for myself and was not left to be tossed about or led by man's devices and notions the worth of a soul cannot be told may the Lord give the reader an understanding in this whenever I looked in the Bible I saw things new and many texts were immediately applied to me with great comfort for I knew that to me was the word of salvation sent sure I was that the spirit was not to receive the truth as it is in Jesus that the same spirit enabled me to act of faith upon the promises that were so precious to me and enabled me to believe in the salvation of my soul by free grace I was persuaded that I had a part in the first resurrection and was enlightened with the light of the living Job 3330 I wished for a man of God with whom I might converse I wished for a man of God my soul was like the chariots of Amini dub Canticle 612 these amongst others were the precious promises that were so powerfully applied to me all things whatsoever usual asking prayer believing, usual receive Matthew 21 22 peace I live with you my peace I give to you John 14 27 I thought a blessed redeemer to be the fountain of life I experienced him in all he had brought me by a way that I knew not and he had made crooked parts straight then in his name I set up my Ebenezer saying he did too he has helped me and could say to the sinner about me behold what a savior I have as I was by the teaching of that all glorious deity the great one in three and three in one on which every soul living must stand off all eternally agreeable to acts 412 neither is there salvation in any other for there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved but only Christ Jesus may God give the reader a right understanding in these facts to him that believe that all things are possible but to them that are unbelieving nothing is pure during this period we remained at Cadiz until our ship got laden we sailed about the 4th of November and having a good passage we arrived in London the month following to my comfort with heartfelt gratitude to God for his rich and unspeakable mercies on my return I had but one text which puzzled me a word that the devil endeavored to buffet me with this Romans 116 and as I had heard of the reverend Mr. Romain in his scriptures I wished much to hear him preach one day I went to Blackfyre's church and to my great satisfaction and surprise he preached from that very text he very clearly shoot the difference between human works and free election which is according to God's sovereign will and pleasure these glad tidings set me entirely at liberty and I went out of the church rejoicing seeing my spots were those of God's children I went to Westminster Chapel and saw some of my old friends who were glad when they perceived the wonderful change that the Lord had wrought in me particularly Mr. G my worthy acquaintance who was a man of a joyous spirit and with great zeal for the Lord's service I enjoyed his correspondence till he died in the year 1784 I was again examined at the same chapel and was received into church fellowship amongst them with joyous spirit making melody in my heart to the God of all mercies now my whole wish was to be dissolved and to be with Christ but alas I must wait my appointed time reflections on the state of my mind during my first convictions of the necessity of believing the truth and experiencing the inestimable benefits of Christianity well may I say my life has been one scene of sorrow and of pain from early days I griefs have known and as I grew my griefs have grown dangers were always in my path and fears of wrath and sometimes death while pale deduction in me reigned I often wept by grief constrained when taken from my native land by an unjust and cruel band how did uncommon dread prevail my sighs no more I could conceal to ease my mind I often strove to remove I sung and uttered sighs between I say the stifled guilt would sin but oh not all that I could do would stop the current of my woe convictions till my violentness shoot how great my guilt how lost from God prevented that I could not die nor might just one kind refuge fly an orphan state I had to mourn forsaken by all my downcast mean could not guess at my woes unseen lay by appearances could not know the troubles that I waited through last anger blasphemy and pride with legions of such ills beside travel my thoughts while doubt and fears clouded and darkened most my years sighs now no more would be confined they breathed the trouble of my mind I wished for death but checked the word and often prayed unto the Lord unhappy more than some on earth I thought the place that gave me birth strained to thoughts oppressed while I replied why not in Ethiopia died and why the spared night to hell God only knew I could not tell a tottering fence abowing wall taught myself here since the fall of times I mused night despair while birds melodious filled the air the rice happy songsters ever free how blessed were they compared to me that's all things added to my pain while grief compelled me to complain when sable clouds began to rise my mind grew darker than the skies the English nation called to leave how did my breast with sorrow's heave I longed for rest cried help me Lord some mitigation Lord afford yet on dejected still I went heart rubbing woes within weapon no land nor sea could comfort give nothing my anxious mind relieve wary with travail yet unknown to all but God and self alone numerous month for peace I strove and numerous foes I had to prove in ear to dangers griefs and woes trained up midst perils deaths and foes I said must it does ever be no quiet is permitted me hard hap and more than heavy lot I prayed to God forget me not what though ordained willing I'll bear but oh deliver from despair strivings and wrestling seemed in vain nothing I did could ease my pain then gave I up my works and will confessed and owned my doom was hell like some poor prisoner at the bar conscious of guilt of sin and fear I reigned and self condemned I stood lost in the world and in my blood yet here amidst blackest clouds confined I been from Christ the day star shined early thought I if Jesus please he cannot once sign my release I ignorant of his righteousness set up my labors in its place for God for why his blood was shed and prayed and fasted in its stead he died for sinners I am one might not his blood for me at all though I am nothing else but sin yet surely he can make me clean thus life came in and I believed myself for God and help perceived my savior then I knew I found for reason from guilt no more I groan oh happy hour in which I seized the mourn for then I found the rest my soul and Christ were now as one thy light of Jesus in me shone blessed be thy name for now I know I and my works can nothing do the Lord alone can ransom man for this the spotless lamp was slain when sacrifices works and prayer proved vain and ineffectual were lo then I come the Saviour cried and bleeding bowed his head and died he died for all whoever saw no help in them no by the law I this have seen and gladly own Salvation is by Christ alone end of chapter 10 recording by Monsbru Helsingfors Finland