Paul Ryan's health care bill is about to die in the house. That's because it forgot to sign up for Obamacare It's 3 a.m. on Tuesday March 21st 2017. I'm David Feldman. We've got a lot of show. So let's get right to it Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman David Feldman show comm on today's program author Chuck Closter man remembers Chuck Berry Professor Corey Brett Schneider teaches constitutional law at Brown University He has a piece in Time Magazine this week on Trump's supreme court pick We talked to Professor Corey Brett Schneider about that and I try to get free legal advice on my divorce also comedian comedy writer and author Frank Conif is back comedian comedy writer Kevin Avery who just won a writer's guild award for his work on last week tonight with John Oliver stops by along with my best buddy comedian Eric Brandstein I want you to listen to the show and I want it to be easy for you. So we have a youtube channel It's an audio version of the show eventually we'll have video when my divorce is over and I can afford plastic surgery Hey, please subscribe to my youtube channel. Please go to youtube type in David Feldman comedy and there we are and listen You can also listen to us on itunes stitcher and by going to David Feldman show comm Where we will show you all the different platforms to access the show How do you listen? Let me know. What's the easiest way for you to hear this show? I'm all ears literally. I have no face Torso or legs. It's just two ears in a mouth I want to thank all the listeners who have contacted me to offer their suggestions on how to improve the show One suggestion was to stop doing it. I'm not going to do that I believe comedy is fascism. I think there has to be one unifying comedy principle dictating the sensibility of a show, but This podcast isn't fascism. It's an amalgamation Of people who book it produce it edit it appear on it And more importantly listen to it So I appreciate your feedback Many of your suggestions I act upon you know that For example, somebody just wrote in asking me to book Nick Mullen from come town They want him back again and we're reaching out Another example is yesterday somebody suggested I gobble down a bottle of second all with a gin and vermouth chaser Then slip into a hot bath and open my veins Thank you for that suggestion future wife number four But second all it's hard to come by these days and more importantly future wife number four And I know who you are if you want to communicate with me you still have my cell phone number You don't have to keep going through the contact page on my website to get my attention Also, I know it's you future wife number four who's been writing those reviews of the show on itunes People read the reviews of the show on itunes to determine whether or not they want to subscribe That's all Whether or not I have clammy hands And change my socks and underwear six times in the course of a single day has absolutely no bearing on the quality of this show It does not belong In a review of this podcast on itunes future wife number four So you're not hurting or embarrassing me my listeners can get past that trinket of knowledge about me I'm a flawed human Just like every other red-blooded american male who can only achieve orgasm by silently malving colonel walter e curtsis sililoquy from apocalypse now that's how I achieve orgasm by silently Mouthing colonel walter e curtsis sililoquy from apocalypse now The genius the will to do that perfect genuine complete crystalline pure If I had 10 divisions of those men Our troubles here would be over very quickly You have to have men who are moral and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling Without passion without judgment without judgment because it's judgment that defeats us And yeah, no way I can get past that. Maybe if I'm thinking of baseball players, I can hold back Baseball players can only you know specifically from league of their own Speaking of baseball Yes, speaking of baseball. It's march 21st the winter of our discontent has given way to the spring of disconnect And by disconnect, I mean paul ryan who due to heavy volume from disgruntled constituents Paul ryan has disconnected his fax machine because republican speakers Refused to listen The speaker has turned off all his public telephone and fax machines in response to protests in favor of obama care Planned parenthood medicare. He's not accepting signed petitions. Instead. He's turning away voters who deliver them to his office so The post office still works get out a 45 cent stamp It will help the post office And right to paul ryan. Here's his address paul ryan 700 st. Lawrence avenue janesville, wisconsin five three five four five that's paul ryan 700 st. Lawrence avenue janesville, wisconsin five three five four five You know i'm a historian and unlike paul ryan's bill.  We we try to force it, but spring comes when it's supposed to come no matter how much ex unmobile alters our weather And by the way, australia australia How is it possible that you're celebrating autumn right now when we're celebrating spring?  I don't know why australia just wants to keep changing the climate on us I guess this is what happens when you take a penal colony and turn it into a country Great britain years ago centuries ago took all the people predisposed to crime and shipped them off to australia And then these criminals broke away from the united kingdom and formed a nation Entirely predisposed to crime crime is built into australia's dna So i know what you're up to australia celebrating christmas during the dog days of summer You're stealing our climate You're stealing our winters and turning it into summer our autumns into our springs and i want it to stop Meanwhile here in the united states. We're cutting meals on wheels.  I know i know How was your weekend mine? exceptionally horrid They got me They got me they got me last week And you could tell they got me if you listened to friday's episode I had three terrific guests on friday's show two of my comedy heroes from san francisco bobby slayton will durst Plus the editor of world policy reviewed judo grunstein. He talked to us from paris three great guests But i was totally unprepared because i'm not reading I fell off my high horse. I did I had been so above it all i thought i could do this show forever lash out of the system And at the same time remain immune from the toxicity of it all But they got me And by they i mean the voices in my head that side with the abuser the abuser Is the richest one percent Who have set up a system that keeps us in a perpetual state of fear So that we're just too frightened to challenge them Too frightened to be anything other than compliant. I'm filled. You're filled.  They are threatening the richest one percent are threatening To take away our health care because it scares us And when we're scared they can distract us. They can do things Over there in the corner little pressed the digitization distract the eye scare us over here Because we're too busy trying to keep ourselves and our loved ones alive We're over here looking at the you know your left hand and the right hand is stealing more money from us The idea that the richest country on the planet could have millions upon millions of its citizens without health care Is the greatest scandal of our time If you're listening overseas, let me tell you what it means to be an american Who isn't part of the one percent We are terrified of getting killed Either by the cops the vigilantes The lunatics who get their hands on the 300 million guns circulating But most importantly, we're terrified of getting killed by the private corporations that profit off health care Private corporations that profit off our health care. I'm not talking only about the insurers Who run health care? I'm talking about every single fortune 500 company I mean every company in america Because since world war two Instead of providing the greatest generation with government sponsored universal health insurance The way great britain did under the leadership of prime minister clement atley who replaced wincent Churchill temporarily At the end of world war two. He gave us he gave us. He gave the british universal health insurance america went to employee based health insurance You cannot get health insurance in america. Basically unless you have a job and why is that because We decided to return to our roots slavery Employee based health insurance is slavery If your job provides health insurance Then then health insurance becomes the shackles The benefits for your family become the 40 lashes If you try to escape If you try to leave your job, we're going to take your health benefits away So nobody leaves a job in america Because we're terrified of dying We're terrified that our wives and children will lose their health insurance How much innovation Is being clogged How much of the animal spirits Are being oppressed because every single working class american is too terrified to pursue their vision Quit their job and create a new business Instead of innovation instead of stepping out and trying to create a new business We stay where we are. Nobody leaves a job in america We put up with every single violation in the book.  We will lose our healthcare.      You can't lose your job because then you might die It is the ultimate form of control employer-based health care Corporations providing it to their slaves For-profit health care corporations who provide the health care to those slaves It's all about profits and how do you make more money? You keep the customer terrified You keep the customer terrified and confused. That's how health insurance companies Make more money That's how all businesses try to make money keep the customer terrified I'm trying to wrap up my divorce and that's exactly how divorce attorneys work. They keep everybody frightened Of what? What are you frightened of? They make us frightened. They make the husband and the wife frightened of exercising our constitutional right to go to court It's in the constitution. I have a right to go to court But these mount banks these imposters these charlatans these blocks these stones these Worse than senseless things these divorce attorneys Every single one of them they use our constitutional right to a trial In order to scare us into paying them everything we have They say you don't want to go to court. It's way too expensive You know why it's too expensive because divorce attorneys have colluded To make it too expensive and the judges want in because when they retire when they retire They become mediators and earn 10 times what they got sitting on the bench And they work not for the clients Not for the people getting a divorce They work for the divorce attorneys Because these retired judges who serve as mediators They want to get hired by the divorce attorneys again and again and again for the next mediation These judges these retired judges. They don't work for the for you and me. They work for divorce attorneys Because that's where the next gig is you and I We only have one divorce maybe six if we're lucky These attorneys these retired judges they have 60 going at one time And it's a restraint of trade. It's a monopoly. It's a violation of the rico predicates I have no idea what rico predicates mean.   They just lack empathy. They lack the gene that causes shame They are sociopaths Who only want money So when I look at paul ryan and ask How could a human being deny health care to 24 million people? When I look at that guy white house budget director mc mulvaney He's trump's budget director mc Mulvaney, sorry mc mulvaney he replaced uh obama's budget director He bore zag and george w bush's budget director waspy mc wasperson mc mc mulvaney Did you see mc mulvaney on the sunday shows? He's cutting meals on wheels after school programs That feed children mc mulvaney, he's not a human being.  They drive down to the river Were parts of that runaway will eventually be seen floating by That is who paul ryan is that is who mc mulvaney is They get off on depriving people of food stamps They get off on the idea of people losing their health insurance Because they're sadists. They're sociopaths Mulvaney actually said cutting meals on wheels is an act of compassion to the coal miner in west virginia Whose hard-earned taxes are being wasted by making sure senior citizens get a healthy meal five days a week Those are the precise verbal gymnastics a divorce attorney would practice The taxes a coal miner pays any taxes a coal miner pays They don't go to meals on wheels A coal miner's taxes basically go to social security and medicare And whatever's left over from his taxes gets eaten up by all the other mandatory items in the budget And if you ask that coal miner if he wants his money to go to meals on wheels or feeding school children He'd say yes, absolutely Only a depraved sociopath would invoke a beleaguered coal miner from west virginia in order to convince ordinary americans that cutting food for old people and kids is an act of compassion Who do you think are some of the first people who are going to need meals and wheels? And after school programs to feed their food challenge kids Coal miners Do you see what these sociopaths are doing? They act and think like divorce attorneys because they are not human You're going to cut food to grandma and her grandchildren because some of that food might get wasted That's an act of compassion But you're not going to insist the general electric microsoft apple And all the other fortune 500 companies based in america you're not going to insist that they repatriate the money They're hiding overseas the trillions of dollars and taxes that they don't pay We all know the biggest corporations in america are paying little to no taxes But instead of making them pay their way instead the republicans insist We cut aid to dependent families and wrap those cuts in compassion An act of compassion Mick Mulaney calls this an act of compassion. What ragged edged beast has the richest one percent Delivered to us and the guys of the republican party And how do they get away with it? Because you and I are scared. We're scared of losing our health care, which is provided by our our employer We're scared of losing our health care because the republicans have guided government to the point where there is no social safety net To protect us from the greed of the corporations Of the richest one percent of the 40 families that own america You can't live on welfare. You can't live on food stamps.  You will starve Because you will not have enough money to nourish your kids Yes, sir. No, sir Whatever you say sir That's who we are america That's who 99% Of americans are So the divorce attorneys got me last week They bullied and scared and they ran down my retainer Just when a court date was fast approaching and they wanted more they wanted more money from me and when I said Hey guys, I you know, I've paid you and my soon-to-be ex-wife is paying you. Why haven't you finished up? And that question why haven't you finished up? Well, that suddenly becomes a breakdown In our attorney-client relationship and we're afraid you need to seek new counsel And of course, that's a threat. That's a cudgel because seeking new counsel is expensive Because you have to hire a new attorney and then you have to pay that attorney to come up to speed That cost money that cost hours And the divorce attorney winding down my retainer. He knows that So he tells me I better behave I better bend over and keep my mouth shut Because my constitutional right to go to court is too expensive and getting a new lawyer is also expensive So I'm supposed to just go along with this evil construct This thing of ours this thing of theirs This mafia this canned hunt We're a struggling couple Like me and my ex-wife were set free on a private estate and two slimy Slytherin graduates from the oral roberts university of law They take part in this canned hunt. They they bag their trophies deluding themselves that this is all fair because It's the law But it's not the law. It's the wild west divorce Like republican politics Isn't the law. It's the use of money and power to transfer whatever the 99 percent has into their bank accounts That's what divorce is That's what republican economics is since reagan became president We have seen the largest transfer of wealth from the middle class Right up to the richest 1% Nothing was created in this country other than new tax laws Other than new subsidies There's no silicon valley. There's no free market The government It's the government despite what the g.o.p. Will tell you It's the government that controls the winners and the losers through tax subsidies and government contracts There is no microsoft IBM ExxonMobil without washington dc The very same people who came to washington when reagan got elected They were the ones who told you that government isn't the solution. It's the problem These very same people have turned washington dc Into a check cashing machine for the richest 1% And you know whose checks they're cashing The ones you and i make out to the internal revenue service Back when reagan was president the corporate elite said the action is no longer in dc That's what they told that's what they told us Meanwhile, the corporate elites they all moved in they took over k street.  How could the people's house? congress be owned and operated by a corporation And still be called the people's house unless corporations were identified as people corporations are people That's right corporations are people and cutting food for the poor is now an act of compassion Orwell isn't rolling over in his grave He's getting exhumed by paul ryan and mick mulvaney so they can sodamize him eaten style eaten style And that's the roughest way to get sodamized English boarding school style No money for children and old people 24 million people 24 million americans will lose their health insurance But the trump budget somehow has an extra 50 billion for defense An extra 50 billion dollars for defense defense from whom Who would attack us? I mean other than the g.o.p We have a military that's so bloated. We cannot audit the pentagon. They have tried But they have no idea where all that money goes I'm serious. It is impossible to audit the pentagon's budget Which is more than half a trillion dollars a year And they won't audit the federal reserve They refuse to audit the federal reserve because the pentagon and the federal reserve is like the skim and goodfellas But instead of seven different mafia families clamoring for the unmarked bills This time it's ex on mobile microsoft jp morgan ibm walmart and the mercer family and the coke brothers You can't have a corporate state without washington dc There is no free market There's not even a pentagon cia There's not a federal reserve or congress. These are just cash delivery systems to the richest one percent Now the fed turned a hundred. I think it was a year ago two years ago And it was all set up to keep inflation as well as the unemployment rate low But since reagan actually since valker Was appointed by carter The only thing the fed cares about is inflation The fed has a mandate to protect the working family but since The last two years of carter The fed has been about cheap money because cheap money benefits bankers And wall street while leaving the average working family no investment options other than crappy bonds and stocks Cheap money means a low savings rate And that benefits the bankers and wall street The fed is not looking out for the working family The same way the fed doesn't protect the taxpaying citizen The pentagon doesn't protect us either Because nobody wants to attack us Canada Mexico mexicans are leaving more mexicans are moving back to mexico than are coming here Because mexicans go where the good jobs are You think they like it here in america?  Are there terrorists? Yeah But the terrorists we need to fear are not in the middle east The terrorists we really need to fear they're already living here.  Do I love the men and women of our military? Yeah, I do And they do protect us In fact, I love the military so much. I want to bring back the draft I want everybody's kid to serve I want Barbara and jenna bush to serve I even want the conscientious objectors to be forced to go into the army If you think war is wrong come on in everybody's voice should be heard Whenever we are pitched a muscular foreign policy by the neo liberals or the neo conservatives There's really no difference between neo liberals and neo conservatives when it comes to foreign policy We are reminded that nature abhors a vacuum and if we don't step in if america Doesn't become the policeman of the world Someone else will do it But america is not the policeman of the world Nobody is Nobody can be We have the strongest military in the world we do But have we really been tested? We've picked fights with panama, granada, iraq and iraq So we haven't really tested it There is no such thing and there will never be such thing Ever as the strongest military in the world because once you have the mightiest weapons Your opponents fight you on a different field Cyber war Look what russia is doing Remember those improvised explosive devices in iraq? George w bush went to war in iraq with no way to protect our soldiers from roadside bombs The biggest military in the history of civilization Couldn't protect our precious boys and women From improvised Explosive devices Donald rumsfeld At the height of these ied's maiming our troops killing our troops donald rumsfeld said you go to war with the army You have not the army. You wish you have He didn't say the weapons or the protection or the armor You have not the armor you wish you have the army you wish you have You wish you have that's a classic divorce lawyer move blame the victim He's saying he wishes he had a better army. The armies are soldiers They were the ones getting their limbs blown off Because rumsfeld and all his meticulous planning all those micro questions he referred to as snowflakes He wrote thousands upon thousands of memos before going to war making sure we were prepared to invade He was He was ready. You know, he's he's got a corporate mind But it never occurred to him that the strongest military in the world could suffer fatalities and injuries from something as simple as a roadside bomb a wire tin can and some rusty nails Just sitting there waiting for a tank to run over it But rumsfeld was the expert. In fact, this was his second tour as defense secretary. Certainly. He knew what he was doing It doesn't matter if you know what you're doing If what you're doing is wrong The invasion of iraq was wrong and rumsfeld bush and cheney should be tried at the hag George w bush is making the rounds these days. He's got a new book It's very sweet. He painted portraits of wounded soldiers and all the profits from that book are they're going to the wounded soldiers And because in america we have no memory Even i watch bush and feel sorry for him because he is quite the charmer And you get a sense that he's honestly suffering because of what he did to iraq and to our soldiers You get a sense That he knows he messed up royally He knows he was fed faulty intel He knows that his ego got the best of him That he thought he could have a splendid little war as teddy roosevelt used to call them He knew that he was convinced that he could bring the troops home and nobody would get hurt Nobody would get injured. You know except the women and children of iraq When you look at bush these days You can tell he's haunted At least i hope he's haunted.  I like to make sure there are no more wounded soldiers ever again Because of incompetent lying immoral presidents commander and chiefs Like george w bush and the way To make sure we never get bogged down in a war like iraq again Is you write a book entitled i was wrong here's why? And here's how to make sure we never Are wrong again By george w bush That's a book that i would read Lately i'm not reading they got me They got me last week when i was told rex tillerson the Secretary of state who used to be the head of ex on mobile when i was told that he now wants to go to war with north korea I thought wait North korea has oil Isn't that cold country? Why are we gonna go after north korea? And then i rolled over and went back to bed I've been sleeping a lot. I fell off my high horse If you listen to friday show i was on the phone If you heard i was on the phone with all three of my guests Phoning it in i didn't have the energy to tackle But it's the most important thing in my life right now and that is the show They won But you know when i fail as i did on friday show as i am in my life these past couple of months It's important to get back into the light to start walking again to start walking And try not to look back try not to point fingers Just that's what i'm told just keep walking Just the only finger you need to be pointing is the one that's pointing you in the direction of where you need to be Heading and that is forward. That's the american way. Don't look back I'm told pointing fingers Looking back blaming people gets you nowhere It's true, but i'm introspective I need to know how i got where i am before i keep going because i'm tired I need to rest Yeah, i see the light coming up in the east. I know to walk towards it But my feet hurt I need to look around and see where the others are Why are some of us left behind? Is that light that i'm walking to Up in the east is that the same light? Everybody else is going to get to Are you going to join me? You're going to be left behind I'm 58 but i'm 99 99 percent And if i don't march if you don't march with the 99 percent then we will be all alone just like the 1 percent The 1 percent they're all alone They have no friends or lovers They're terrified and they project their fears Anxiety onto us. They cannot believe what they're getting away with Donald trump cannot believe what he is getting away with and he wants to get caught They want this to be over with They're sick Like every sociopath that gets caught they say thank god It's finally over My life mission these days is social justice mixed with comedy One of my heroes was abby hoffman. He was a yippie He mixed comedy with revolution and when i was growing up that looked like fun. It was sexy But abby hoffman was a manic depressive who ended up committing suicide He committed suicide because in the end the american system the economic forces that serve the 1 percent That mold the destiny of each individual These economic forces made it impossible for somebody like abby hoffman to get the medical Mental health treatment. He needed to stay alive. And so he ended it. He could be killed himself So that scares me And that's why i shy away from the word revolution.  It's filled with the grandiosity of a manic depressive like abby hoffman I don't believe in revolution. I believe in the permanent revolution that is america I learned that from of all people newt gingrich the billiards speaker of the house who led the 1994 revolution that ushered in A permanent republican majority in the house We've had a permanent Republican majority in the house except for those four years between 2006 and 2010 2010 the republicans came back because the democrats ushered in obama care just barely Newt taught me that our founding fathers gave us the gift of a permanent revolution By giving us a house of representatives that gets turned over every two years The most important branch of our government is the legislative branch and of the two chambers The house of representatives is far more important than the senate because the house of representatives It controls the purse springs the house controls fiscal policy And by fiscal policy, I mean how our tax dollars are spent As opposed to the fed which controls monetary policy and that monetary policy controls how our money is saved Well, that's a lot of power in the house of representatives That's a lot of power for the voters to have We don't control the fed. We control the house of representatives Trump is the orange face of the gop, but paul ryan the speaker of the republican house He is the face the real face of our government If he weren't aligned divorce lawyer level sociopath Paul ryan's face would be beat red from embarrassment But he's incapable A sociopath like that is incapable of shame of remorse The republican party now controls all three branches of our government And they finally shown their tiny little hands They have revealed they stand for nothing other than the 40 richest families in the world Everything the republicans say everything they propose Is a distraction from their sole purpose Which is to protect the 40 richest families on earth To control their wealth and transfer more wealth from the 99 percent to the richest 1 percent Tax subsidies tax cuts drilling rights pentagon contracts Those are the only things the gop stands for Because the gop stands for one thing the 40 richest families Who control more than half the wealth in our planet How is it possible for these republicans to carry the water for the richest 1 percent Without feeling horrible Well, they're sociopaths Also, they're part of the richest 1 percent And if they're not part of the richest 1 percent, they want to be the 1 percent And they know the ones who are not part of the richest 1 percent. They know that if they play ball Eventually they can be part of the that club of viagra chuggin Steakhouse habituase Habituase I like that word habituase Hmm, and if you want to know how they feel you don't know what it's like to be a sociopath, but if you want to know How they feel what motivates them the why Find the nicest five-star hotel in your city late at night wander around the lobby when it's quiet It's really nice It's really nice. It's intoxicating Some people You know poor republicans They experience that and they say as god is my witness. I will never go hungry again And they do whatever it takes to move in to the richest 1 percent So why am I weak? Why have I stopped? Why did I stop reading? Why did I just stare at the tv because the system paralyzed me last week? I need to deal with divorce attorneys who are really quite adept at wearing you down They create false urgencies in order to take your money while blaming you the client for all their mistakes They make false promises. They never intended to keep They make your head spin with lies. You can't possibly keep track of And when you do keep track of those lies and you call them on those lies They resort to well-trained linguistic somersaults that always turn the victim into the assailant Donald trump the republican party paul ryan mic mulvaney They are divorce attorneys I'm not joking around They are and the only way to beat a divorce attorney is to take the fight Into a system that they haven't already rigged Read sun sue you cannot fight a divorce attorney You cannot fight donald trump Where they thrive You can't beat a divorce attorney if you think there's actually a judge or a bar association that's going to discipline them You are sorely mistaken because divorce attorneys police their own so If you complain If you complain to a divorce attorney and go to the bar association You might as well be an african-american Complaining to the police chief of furgus in missouri about all the traffic stops The bar association is essentially a kangaroo court of criminals pretending to put other criminals on trial In order for a lawyer to get disbarred in order for a divorce lawyer to get disbarred and I do mean this He or she would have to do something so egregious The disbarment could only come after some other criminal activity had been proven in a court of law That's how lawyers police other lawyers Unless a lawyer is facing actual prison time The legal profession here in the united states has no problem with that lawyer Especially a divorce attorney practicing law Divorce law In america, it's thunderdome.  It's mixed martial arts. It's lies A divorce lawyer Can legally put anything into writing a divorce lawyer can literally slander somebody and you can't sue them because Divorce lawyers make the rules And the rules have been set up. So the divorce is only about transferring the assets of a married couple Into the pockets of the attorneys representing the man and woman in crisis divorce To paraphrase general smidley butler is a racket I'm not making that up Ask a divorce lawyer. It is a racket It's because our legal system has been privatized by the family law community That's what they call it a community Every divorce attorney I meet said, oh, he's very respected in the family law community. It's not a community But you think they have picnics father son ambulance chases It's not a community These are just mobsters with law degrees who devised a way to make going a trial so expensive That a couple getting a divorce has to depend on lawyers and retired judges who serve as private mediators You have to rely on lawyers and and retired judges To keep it cheap To just get the marriage over with And what these divorce attorneys and retired judges do they have this cozy little system? They take people in crisis and they turn up the heat and then they turn down the heat and they bill for the heat And they just wind down your retainer shuffling papers Using our constitutional right to go to court as a cudgel against the client scaring the client with expensive court filings Even though the divorce is never going to court The retainer is wound down by calling opposing counsel Looking at the divorce couples assets and then discussing how much money the two of them the two divorce attorneys not the couple How much the two divorce attorneys can divide between them? Well, my son just got into UCLA Your daughter's going to dart myth. Why don't you charge them This and I'll charge them that and let's keep the divorce going an extra three months A divorce in america has a timetable determined By the divorce lawyers and how much money They can take from the couple It is a mafia bust out Lawyers have a system set in place They realize they learn Your spread eagle your wide open They find out how much money you have And then they just deploy a series of maneuvers designed to scare the couple into turning All their money over to the lawyers If you think i'm making this up, I am not Ask a divorce attorney They are the limbs of satan Divorce attorneys are the limbs of satan They are remorseless borderline personalities who cannot be cured Check the dsm They are the limbs of satan And they can't be cured They are donald trump They are paul ryan They don't keep track of their lies Because Divorce attorneys just like donald trump and paul ryan Know that if they just keep lying Eventually Good people Will just go away donald trump Divorce lawyers they understand one thing that if you just keep going if you just don't stop Good people and most of us are good people. We just throw up our hands and simply say Please get this nightmare over with give give that give this give this Monstrosity whatever he wants. I just want him to go away. That's what a divorce attorney is They're not smart They're not clever That's why they're divorce attorneys Now divorce attorneys donald trump They're just willing to do the things normal healthy humans People who aren't borderline personalities. They're willing to do those things That normal people would find distasteful There is no limit to how far you can go here in america as long as you are willing to do and say the things Good decent people Just don't have the mental illness to do and say I don't have the dsm near me. I'm traveling so I can't diagnose donald trump and honestly It's unethical for a comedy writer And a comedian and podcaster to offer up a diagnosis of donald trump I will say that He is smart enough to know he's a sociopath And like all sociopath He's thinking to himself. What do I have to do? What do I have to say? What does it take for someone to put me out of my misery?  They have thin skin because snakes Are constantly shedding their skin So it's always new And it's always thin They are bullies stand up to them shame them They are disgusting.   You're on propitia I read your medical report your doctor says you're on propitia.    What do I have to say to get caught? How many people do I have to rip off and lie to before they finally end this?    That is the only activity that gets donald trump's heart rate up You are just an orange blob of bile donald trump. You don't jog.  What do you have on them? That is absolutely true What do you have that if it came out in public would devastate donald trump? What would he pay?  She was born behind the iron curtain and check of slavakia as i've told you before in this show The russians recognized avana As brilliant So they turned her over to vladimir putin. This was back in the 70s. He was working for the kgb. He became her handler And this is way way back before the end of the soviet union before the end of communism That's you know when brezhnev was running things So putin sent avana to america as a sleeper cell agent where she was given the assignment of marrying an incompetent son of a real estate tycoon and then Using her brain power to turn him into a brand A brand that could eventually become president a president who would fall under the spell of russian autocrats Eventually avana grew tired of trump's stench So as a favor vladimir putin still her kgb handler He replaced avana with malania who was also born behind the iron curtain in slavinia Working with avana these two russian agents continued to control donald trump While reporting back to putin Trying to sorry about that Trying to do a left-wing version of the alex jones show On a different podcast and we confused The scripts so back to the divorce Back to trump and the divorce attorneys who hate themselves and who are begging to be punished Back to donald trump allegedly raping avana who is not a soviet era sleeper cell Marla maples is See, that's the genius of lettimer putin You create a marriage canapé with avana and malania serving as the two red herrings that disguise what's really inside The seemingly southern bell marla maples Or should i say iliana rosa kolovich from stalin grad Yeah, marla is the kgb sleeper cell Marla you thought you could fool a corleone? We know Okay, so when avana needed to come up with a secret that donald would be willing to pair to keep secret She picked the two secrets. I believe that would be the most damning That he's bald and they can't get it up So he raped her This information has been redacted and mysteriously disappeared from the court files But the new york daily news and david k johnston Who recently got his hands on donald trump's 2005 tax filings. They've all written about this According to reports that i've read donald back in the 80s was going bald And avana at the time was no stranger to plastic surgery. She recommended a doctor to perform hair transplants For donald and this was back in the 80s Hair transplants were primitive think of elton john Think of me I'll get to me in a second. Well, one of the operations back then That donald got talked into Allegedly, this is what i've read Ivana and her plastic surgeon talked donald into getting something that was called scalp reduction. I'm not making this up it was Kind of big in the 80s. They try to talk me into scalp reduction, but luckily i demurred because Unlike donald trump. I do research and i discovered that scalp reduction Disfigures the skull and in the end it doesn't work Now the idea of a scalp reduction is before you get the hair transplants The surgeon goes in and actually reduces the area on top of the skull So there is less bald patch that needs to be filled in Yeah, it's you know Oh the tangled webs we weave When we practice to deceive and in donald's case that tangled web we weaved ended up Going on his head because the scalp reductions And the transplants were disaster and he actually needed a real weave A weave that's what they call we you know weaves, which is really just another way of saying to pay So according to vana, this is what I read donald went to see that hair doctor Donald didn't like the scalp reduction Didn't work. I guess he dug too deep and shrunk donald's brain You know donald said my scalp it's Scarred and the doctor said you need more hair transplants to cover up those scars from the scalp reduction But donald he was done with the surgery because donald doesn't like doctors Any guy who uses dr. Bornstein?      Yeah, I'll I'll pass on that I'll just get more hair transplants. Thank you very much because I want two things. I want hair women And a penis that can satisfy those women When I lost my virginity when I lost my virginity Just when I became sexually active Detroit had discontinued the vaginal orgasm Apparently the vaginal orgasm was discontinued back in the late 70s because the price of oil was just making The vaginal orgasm prohibitive if you'll remember opec punished america for siding with israel during the umkipper war So saudi arabia and the rest of opec got even with america by dramatically raising the price of petroleum led to oil shortages long lines for lube and You need lube for a vaginal orgasm so the lines were around the corner and They started to ration sex because of the vaginal orgasm you need lube Well, detroit had to you know do something They discontinued the vaginal orgasm and replaced it with the clitoral orgasm Much sleeker much faster could go much longer without having to stop for a refill Unlike those clunky old fuel-guzzling vaginal orgasms Now of course there are guys like, you know j leno who still love the classics on sundays They like to trot out their vaginal orgasms They're you know good old farmers market. They're a vaginal orgasm enthusiast all over america And with the price of oil going down and down More and more middle-aged men my age have fun restoring old vintage vaginal orgasms They trade parts they rub they buff But that's really only reserved for men who have the time to work on a vaginal orgasm But for guys like me Have a lot to do And who want their partner to be able to walk the next day Which is also fuel efficient walking The clitoral orgasm That's the way to go the vaginal orgasm trust me is not like vinyl I know we have a lot of hipsters in brooklyn listening right now Don't go retro on this stick with the clitoral orgasm The highs and the lows aren't any better on the vaginal orgasm In fact while the tweeters are indistinguishable I will say the clitoral orgasm has a much richer woofer than the vaginal Tested for yourself, you know vaginal is analog Cliteral is digital And by digital I mean the best digit to use is your index finger I love to read and I just realize the reason I love to read it has nothing to do with learning It's all about licking my index finger to turn the page Okay, we're running out of time. I I want to talk about the tongue's relation to the clitoral orgasm next week When we tackle the early writings of adam smith Let's get back to donald trump and propitia So unlike donald trump. I didn't use propitia I knew that if I wanted hair I had to research this and do the heavy lifting So I just continue to get several rounds of hair transplants And they didn't work. I mean there was hair, but it was basically a glorified comb over Long story even longer I kept working on it. I made the rounds of hair transplant specialists. I got the estimates I got the estimates. See that's the difference between donald trump and me. I do research I look into things I'm educated I'm smart. I read I lick my index finger and read I don't take medical advice from some check euro trash of a wife and go see some flim flam plastic surgeon This is true.  He's an honest man. He's in southern california. I think he retired But he specialized in repairing bad hair transplants. He looked at me and he said well, we have a lot of work to do And unlike a divorce attorney doctor sword told me specifically how much everything would cost how long would take What it would look like in the end and he was absolutely correct imagine that But one of the things that I had to do during that hair restoration To repair the damage from the hair transplants of the 80s. I had a where to pay I had a where to pay and that folks is what gives me insight Into donald trump's hellish existence It's why I know for a fact That he wants to die And that's why the to pay Must be seized by the secret service because it's killing him Trust me And I am an expert on two pays. Nobody can get one past me Former senate majority leader tom dashill. You're not fooling me Patrick stewart. I know that's a to pay terry bradshaw That's a comb under Now men who wear two pays They're the guys who drive corvettes And I don't mean they're insecure about their penis, but that is part of it. No men who drive corvettes Like men who wear two pays They will wave to each other on the highway because they're part of that special club A special club of lonely men who think that if they spend enough money On the accoutrements that wedding dj will stop stuffing his wife When a man with a two pay sees another man with a two pay They nod and then there's a silent agreement a silent agreement to stay away from each other Because it's uncomfortable being around the only person who knows your deepest darkest secret Right donald That's your kryptonite donald trump When we shame you for your deepest darkest secret That's how you get even with divorce attorneys or paul ryan or mc mulvaney Or donald trump. We know your secret.    You like to think you're pulling one. You like to think you're pulling one over on the people You're not outsmarting us.   He's the author of but what if we're wrong published by blue writer press You write in your book that marching music is only remembered for john philip susan Well, we're more filled that marching music and john philip susan are now synonymous I mean that that talking about john philip susan is like talking about marching music That person has almost become interchangeable with the idiom And there was a time when marching music was very popular and there were a lot of composers of marching music And certainly the average person wouldn't assume that uh, that The only meaningful composer is this one guy, but that's sort of how history tends to work with art You know, it's like you start with a field of many possible candidates And the decades march forward and the candidates fall by the wayside until there's just one individual left And then that individual is amplified and almost becomes more important than they may have been in practice So one has to assume this will also happen to rock music and jazz for example as as time moves on Yeah, jazz eventually jazz will be synonymous with One person it's I think it's very likely that Probably maybe by the time we are very old and maybe just a little period after you mean tomorrow it will eat It will be you know Louis Armstrong or Miles Davis or one of these individuals, you know, it's like That field has already sold this kind of being widowed away. Certainly if we talked We had this conversation 40 years ago The likelihood that ui and anyone listening to this program would probably have a much greater fluency For a high number of jazz artists, you know, if they weren't familiar with the music they'd be able to say, oh, yeah John Coltrane, you know, the names or whatever that's already happening now You see that list of names getting smaller and smaller and smaller And at some point it's just going to be one individual and that person is going to become I mean, I'm not I can't guarantee this lab and it's the future but this seems to be how it works I mean, I think it's very likely within our own lifetime That the relationship between bob marley and reggae will be interchangeable Bob marley will be as famous as reggae music for example When we think of suspense, it's really hitchcock Well, hitchcock is considered to be the most famous and uh, maybe the most influential suspense film director Now does that mean he will likely be the only director of that genre from that period that if you remember specific work by some At this point lesser director emerges as sort of the defining or whatever and then that person gets amplified But yes in all likelihood that that's kind of how it works that I would say already when talking about suspense films from that period Hitchcock probably already plays an outsized role He probably for a lot of people is the only connection they have to that period of film At least in that genre of filmmaking. So that's kind of how it works. It seems that's how it's worked historically Now the advent of the internet could change this It could be impossible now that in the future there are more candidates still existing because we don't need Cannons as much and less to see how these things are less decided by institutions than they once were But I tend to suspect that it will be more true than false That in 500 years if there's a class about the late 20th century And the instructor is talking about rock music as this really important art form This past weekend we lost Chuck Berry and I immediately thought of you I immediately thought of you because I think you killed him No, I immediately thought of you because you have a book out called but what if we're wrong and you were excerpted in the new york times Almost a year ago saying that much like john philip susan There will be one person who will be synonymous with rock and roll And you suggest that one person would be chuck berry who we lost over the weekend Yes Thank you for being on my show. Good night We've been talking with chuck cloisterman and his book is but what if we're wrong it's published by Blue Rider Press and thank you so much for joining us So you're basically saying my you're saying my dingaling and actually you do talk about my dingaling Well, I do because my my argument becomes basically what if What people remember about rock music isn't necessarily a personality so it isn't Dylan it isn't Elvis it isn't the Beatles It's just the quality is a frock. Okay. The quality is rock simple Blue's Bay's music, you know comes from the south invented by a black people person kind of adopted by white people You know very sexual very outlaw all these things these are the things that maybe future Uh individuals will remember about what rock was supposed to be it almost kind of like makes a little suit Very perfectly all of the cliches and caricatures about rock seem to be built on his career Explain that what do you mean? built on his career so I mean everything about him the idea of Of the simplicity of his guitar based music and sort of the way those songs are structured. Okay That is the kind of caricature of a three minute rock song All right with a guitar solo in the middle that he play on If not the first person to do this like the main project of the song is going to be in this How it's going to kind of come so he didn't invent the style but he perfected it Yeah, I mean he didn't write would you know like rocket 88 is usually considered to be the first rock song that people You know Use when they're saying you know the history of rock music and he that's not his material But he certainly mainstreamed this style the favorite performer of the Beatles and the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin and all these bands that we now view as You know almost you know doing the the the maximum version of this the the highest profile most readily accessible stuff so that that sort of you know He he entered this into the you know Art lexicon or whatever has to do with the idea of sort of being you know living outside of the law And having a certain degree of perversity about your sexual interest and and and And this is what we see with Chuck Berry This is it's like he did that to a degree that a lot of other artists seem to almost be trying to consciously or unconsciously copy The fact that that you know There was Always like an urban myth quality to rock music. Do we you know we only have these songs? So what do we know about these people only kind of what we tell each other in anecdotes? There are thousands of those with Chuck Berry He almost like the idea of rock is him. Yeah So rock and roll we were told would never die In a way it died when the times caught up to rock and roll It began being degenerate sexual double entendre Outlaw ish The novelty of it died when When the the 60s and the 70s when well probably this okay What's what's significant about rock music is that it is the old or the not the only but was certainly the first art form that was Directly geared toward young people But the whole idea like like the idea of any of this music or any of this imagery There was no intention in the 50s or 60s that this would appeal to people who were parents It was you know specifically going after teenage kids patient gap the likelihood that a kid born in 1955 Like to the same music that his father liked whose father was born you know in 1925 or whatever was almost nil So rock sort of represented the tension of that gap. Well, that doesn't really exist anymore I mean the likelihood of a parent and their kid liking you too or liking Beyonce is very high Now there's a technology group gap. It's not really an age gap probably started to lose Probably in the 80s and 90s when it became less likely that Only a young person could care about this. So rap replaced it because The baby boomers ears couldn't tolerate what their kids were listening to Well, I mean certainly among white audiences Yes, rap music became the dangerous form of music for a 14 year old boy to play That created a sense of alienation among his parents Um, I think the acceleration of culture is going to make the window for that even the smaller I think that that it won't even last as long as rock did but you know, you have to think of you know Why if something's important is important just because it sounds good or looks good or because it represents something else And I think that rock music really did represent something else for a long time I don't know if it does now. In fact, I would argue it doesn't Before I let you go and you've been very generous with your time. We've been talking with chuck closterman He's the author of but what if we're wrong? It's published by blue writer press and we're talking about chuck barry And before you go, I would like you to give me a primer On chuck barry What is essential listening for people like me who Want to gain a fuller appreciation of chuck barry. I kind of took him for granted Until I until I read your piece a year ago until I read your piece a year ago And until a comedy writer named ray james who is obsessed with the guitar I remember his saying about seven years ago to me that it's all chuck barry You you helped me I thank you for Helping me gain an appreciation of chuck barry before we get to that if rock and roll Was moved along by a need in adolescence to push their parents away from their Music to have something of their own and if rap replaces rock and roll as the thing Young people can own for themselves that their parents can't enjoy Did that start with rock? Or has there always been something in the culture that the young people could own And their parents couldn't Okay, well this is complicated, but I'll try to be as fast as I can so it doesn't get boring But you're not believe me. You're you're incapable of that. Oh, that's very nice A big part of this has to do with the actual invention of the teenager Which didn't really happen until after world war two. I mean they're always kids We're 50 because it was because in the 1920s and 1930s and all the time before that There basically was no middle period of life recognized by society You were a kid and then you were an adult when you started working and you got married You became an adult even if that happened when you were 12, which it sometimes did You moved from childhood to adulthood, but then after world war two the way families were changed There was the advent of the cars and kids at their own cars Um, you know television films in the afternoon came to play There was suddenly this belief that there was an in-between stage in life between being a kid and between being an adult And it was that space that sort of rock rock music really Uh began to occupy Um, you know, it's like trying to go back and find a story say from the 19th century about a teenager You will find stories about people who were literally 14 But they're not doing the experiences that we associate with teen life. So that's part of it So like rock and some aspects of television and some aspects of film Those were the first things teenagers could sort of access and use because teenagers weren't really around before Um in terms of you know, like a primer on chuck berry Well, you know, it's albums like the really the Beatles started the idea that these are we have you know Full albums probably the best collection. I think it's called the great 28 That's what it's called. Yes, the great 28. Those are sort of like the the Like is uh Basically of the the music he made I would think, you know, if you want to go on Spotify and find that record That would be the one to find chuck cloisterman is the author of but what if we're wrong? It's published by blue writer press. You've been very generous with your time. Thank you so much, sir You bet. Bye. Bye We're rolling Uh, hello, I'm gonna teach some people in this world how to apologize I'm gonna apologize. Just at least one person. Well, I think a lot of us America don't know how to say they're sorry. Mm-hmm. So especially get the british. Yes We went back in that's eric brandstein, by the way, who is an incredibly funny comic Working the clubs here in new york city. You should follow him on twitter. How do you spell eric brandstein? What is your handle, sir?  Mm-hmm lately in the last four months. Yeah. Well before trump you were I see your stuff. I'm going. Oh wow And we'll talk about yeah but first i'm going to assume the moral high ground right now with my executive producer alex brazil And resort to some third-grade level verbal gymnastics to Kind of manipulate him into forgiving me and feeling bad that i was 20 minutes late for today's This is the advantage to being 58 and working with a young smart brilliant tasteful I was I was late too. You were yeah. I was a joking with you. Okay, so What I did is I took alex for granted tonight Did you never do that and I took you for granted and I took the studio for granted i've taken Everything he's done for me for granted because I assume he's always going to be there for me, right? So I Gave him lower priority. Okay today. There was other stuff I had to do and I said Are you listening alex?  I'm manipulating you right now. Are you really turning my mic off? Oh, okay. I'll talk then So I Placed him second to something That was far less important. Oh far less important than alex brazil And that was a choice I made That was a conscious choice to be late Because what I was doing at the time felt not rationally, but felt more important Than alex brazil who has jumpstarted my career, right? And given me all this Booze yes with a booze broads and blow Jobs so That's what we call cocaine But we call cocaine. That's what we call oral sex.  So basically we're blowing each other But we call it cocaine I made a conscious decision to put alex second to something that was far trivial far less important than he did So I was wrong now I can The best way for me to show up on time Is for alex to become more important Than the trivial thing that I had to do. Okay I'm using I want to know what this trivial thing was I'm using jujitsu here. I'm like so if I were really if I hadn't been in therapy Since I was 18. Was that where you were to this morning? No, okay I would blame alex right now for being Less important than walking my neighbor's dog, which was what I had to do Wow. Yeah, I walk. I I promised my neighbor I would walk the dog Okay, and I had to do it and I prior I prior it's And I The dog ate my homework. Yeah, I was gonna say no it pooped on my homework So what's the dog's name? Skippy. All right. He answered quickly Well mark price the dog's name is mark price from family ties So if I were not in a constant state of analysis I would blame this would be a good move. This is the wrong thing to do alex the reason I Disrespected you is because you're not as important as skippy and you need to work hard That's if I were a bully and if I were if I were a borderline personality Well, I am I have been late to these tapings And I've also not edited some stand-up that needs to be put out You have not performed stand-up. I performed some stand-up and we're putting it out Oh as as as a a brief little It's gonna wow on this network Should we do it? Yeah, should we give me okay, so You need to always do that too because you're always putting out like new Material in your stand-up. So you have to I know you have to get it out there, you know Well, one of the things that Alex wants me to do and I agree with him is to put out 10 new minutes a month a stand-up And offer it to wherever and we did it It was really funny And there's something very self-destructive going on Because I will not Edit it and Put it out. All right, so it's and I think It might be Uh, I don't know I don't know why I'm not Getting it done Eric you have other things and you've you know important things. Well, they're only dog walking and they're only so many porn hub videos in a day I'm addicted to self-torture. That's a porn hub category, isn't it? So okay, so I'm gonna start with Eric. This is not what you signed up for no I love this but Alex I'm not going to apologize Uh, the only thing I can do is change my behavior You're not apologizing. You're just walking it back as they call it now Right, right. Yeah, you misspoke.  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Okay, so, uh, sorry doesn't cut it. So Uh, I have to change my behavior. All right, so eric bronze team. Yes I'm it's good to see you. Yeah Last time. I think I saw you was uh when you were doing that, uh roast with Kurt Metzger Were you there? I was there and I was very impressed because that's a formidable opponent right there Now I I need Kurt to come in here. Yeah. Oh, you can get him here. I did a roast battle with Kurt Metzger I am oh for four now. I've lost every roast battle Uh, well, that was the only one I saw and I gotta tell you that was like you guys It was even I think maybe you might have done a little better. I I kind of I Kind of that I want to bring curtain here and relitigate that roast battle because I think the judges had it in for me They you know, he's like a con they all the comics love him So he's going in there where the huge advantage, right? So all he's got to do is just not screw up the jokes.  Oh, no, you never do that I said there's no way I'm gonna lose because I've got some of the best roast writers in the business writing this stuff I I wanted to be the heel. I thought that would be funny.  Uh-huh. Yeah, and and I thought the audience Kind of liked that. I thought that was funny to play the guy And so I thought the judges punished me for that But I do think it would be funny because they all do it like everyone I know who does these roast battles. I've helped some people like they all just you know You just need a lot of jokes. Uh-huh. It's very hard to come up Yourself with like 10 really great jokes about one person, you know, like kind of quickly so Have you done the one? I forgot the guy's name and I love him. I have a block on his name. He does What not fight club, what's it called?  Is this something in this country? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of have a block on his name. He used to be a wrestler Oh, not the Mick Foley not him. No, it's a different guy. He used to be a wrestler And now he fell in love with the roast battles and he runs a sunday night Fight club in a basement and he's the commissioner. Oh, it's a real fight club It's not a roast battle. It's a it's a roast battle fight. Oh, okay And you know the first rule is you don't talk about this. I'm violating the But he you bet you gamble on it And I it's just a little too late in the evening. I'd like to do it But that would be I never heard of that. Oh, it has like a dirty kind of Robert De Niro Trying to find Christopher walk and then the deer hunter vibe to it It's just really, you know, it's just great Don't you how many roast battles have you done? I I I haven't done any really. No, I don't it's to me It's I'm I was thinking about I was asked a couple times, but I don't know It's just like a lot of work for no pay And it's been very busy lately, but I may I may do it eventually. I need a good target Like I need someone who would be I feel like that I it's easier if you know the person well I feel like it's a lot more work. Like I don't know how well you knew Kurt, but I'm You know him well or no. Yeah. Okay. So that makes it a little easier Sometimes I pair you up with someone you don't even know I rather do it with somebody. I don't know Oh, okay. I think it's just I think it's really interesting.  He says I'm going to hurt yours I Said I I love you kurt. I don't want to hurt you. Well, I love you too, but this is a roast panel Game on well, he's been doing that stuff on tv right now. Like he's like seasoned right now and stuff I mean, I know you write for a lot of these things. So you actually it's a that was a great matchup really It it does Uh There's something purifying about it if you're willing to let Somebody expose your wounds that you think are healed. Right.  Yeah, it's it's Everybody has that inner bully. I think the amy schumer stuff you did got to him a little bit slightly Because that that was that I think the stuff that hurt the most to me. I don't even remember it just about how You know, he got in trouble for writing these crazy facebook posts And she kind of fired him but not really but kind of did oh, I yeah, I this was a good joke He had gotten into a car accident And I said it was amazing because he Ran into the very same bus Amy schumer threw him on that's a great joke, right? And I thought I don't know if it worked or not, but I thought well that I should win for that No, that worked and that was when he was like, whoa Like I saw him.  I think you had one or two more like that Well, I mean he said I said is there anything off limits? He said nobody just do it And and you know if you're a real if you're really There's a certain breed of stand-up that gets off on on taking the hits I get There's I don't like Being bullied. I was I've been bullied. I've been bullied at certain jobs. I don't like bullies.  You know the guy's making fun of me. He's making fun of my hair plugs Do you see what's going on here? I'm not sick. They're making so maybe that's why I enjoy it so much But I like to see where those roast battles I feel like the when they do stuff about your looks or something like that I think those are like kind of easier jokes in a way And if you see the roast battles and you find something that someone picks on the other person that really gets to them And looks I don't think really bother comedians too much Because when comedians we just make fun of things all the time I think that it's when they someone makes fun of your act. Maybe that hurts a little bit more What do you what do you think about that? Well, there's morality. There's a morality to comedy Punch up don't punch down, right? However, then there's funny You know gut wrenching funny Unprofessional funny is the funniest Unprofessional funny is the stuff that you can't make a living doing Because no you should not be paid for it. It's immoral So if you work on a television show, there's what's being produced for The network and then there's a show that's being written for the table around the room to completely separate Entities because when you do the uh the smiagal stuff for the for triumph, right? There's just a lot of roast jokes basically. No, well with robert smiagal robert smiagal. There's certain comedians robert is one of them who brings the table To the network right what you see in the writing room Is what you get on the screen and that's Does he ever say like don't talk about this or that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I I I don't want to yeah, well, it's a compliment.  Well, the rule is and I okay, I'm not talking about smiagal I'm just talking about values The rule is you don't make fun of something that a person cannot change Mm-hmm I suspect I'm not speaking for robert or anybody else For me.   Yeah because He is the embodiment the large embodiment of personal responsibility He's the he's the hypocritical really right. He's the one who says you know Sugar tax just control your taste buds.  So He's fair game. Yeah a An actress a woman That's not you can't do that.   He's still mad at you. He's still mad at you. That was funny Come on. Are you still mad at me, Alex?  Mm-hmm, but he's like he may be just as overweight as christy I think he's morbidly obese. Yeah, and he's still eating mcdonald's at 70 that can't end well.   Have you Knock it off with what? Well, I don't want to say but I've just noticed people hate him so much.  Right.  I just want him completely Like ineffective where like everything he does falls apart and he just can't get anything done I think that's the best thing we can hope for I know i'm maybe in the minority on this But I don't getting rid of him what by impeachment. I don't think that really helps that much I think Torturing him Politically and legally right is good for the country right I think trolling him me mean and I think anybody anything you do to You know Throw yourself on the gears of his machinery to slow it down Benefits the country So the best thing that can happen for the country is It just grinds to a halt right like what they try to do to obama, you know, yeah, so just do the same thing They they believe in limited government So they say but now we see we see the budget Now what you do is you spend the next four years Developing a grand game inch by inch and hurting him Intellectually just make him powerless, you know, but I don't know it's people are just because if he if he gets impeached It's not like hillary is going to come in it's going to be pens and it's probably going to be worse Because he's kind of a better communicator in certain ways. Well, let me ask you about of the The ryan republican health care plan which seems to be dying I don't know it could use some obama care. I forgot to sign up for obama so Alex just woke up. Yeah, god, that's it That's it. I'm in so much trouble with him You are he's a right-hand man. You got it. You got it. Where would I be? I I don't know he and you know what he doesn't need me. The problem is he's got so many other He's got he's got a lot of projects going on. Have you listened to the karson podcast? What johnny karson they're mark malcoff here at show bra's studio Talks with his guests about the legendary talk show host johnny karson. Wow, that's an entire podcast. It's a niche podcast I could totally see that that show bra's studios has going out of these studios and They get all the big names Joel gray michael fox michael j fox It's any stand-up comic who debuted on the tonight show with johnny karson people who worked on the karson show The top entertainers And so if you're a fan of johnny karson as we all were he Taught everybody had to do this properly You should listen to mark malcoff. He hosts the karson podcast and it's one of the many podcasts that comes out of show bra's studios that Are making me less and less important to alex I kind of want to listen to that one right now. I know it's great mark malcoff. I mean Mark malcoff is incredible. Have you met him? I think once maybe yeah So you were saying about the uh obama care that Yeah, I mean what would we talk about? Yeah, I mean Do you see what i'm doing alex Paul ryan is just uh, can we we can curse on this, right? I rather you're not okay.   He just doesn't care. I mean I just think this is he's taking trump down with him because trump doesn't know anything about health care Anything and I think he's just gonna I mean that that may be a good sign if they do pass this and it's a disaster Maybe that'll really hurt trump because there are people going to blame trump for this in the end. What do you think? I think the vitriol That we feel towards the other side is A function of attorneys Taking over our government That's the problem Is he a lawyer?   I don't know if paul ryan is a lawyer. I would assume he is Just how does this guy who just went real quick he gets he has so much power as a speaker of the house, right? He's the third most powerful person He represents a district. I actually looked this up with like Maybe 500,000 people and only like half of them voted for him And he's like the third most powerful person in this country, right? It just seems like the whole system that how I actually that's kind of nice You think so? Well If we were if it was pure it would be nice It's how he rises to the top, right and the way he rises to the top is he's being bankrolled by The coke brothers. He's being bankrolled by the 40 richest families In the world, right and then he disperses money to The republican congressman That's and that's how he gets bills passed by He has his own little fund, right and he says Eric brownstein here, you know, I like I like you.  Here's $500,000 for next year's campaign Why do the coke brothers even care about this anymore? That's what I was thinking about the other day I mean, they're billion billionaires. They're they're older Like if you were that age and you were also a billionaire, your first thing was like, oh, I want to end social security That would be mine. Yeah Why I'm david coke.  Why should anybody be happy if I david coke can't be happy Good point So yes, they do want to destroy so it's a small penis thing.  She's with occidental college and she said That a lot of women when they leave for college didn't know that they had a clitoris What now could you believe that They just didn't know it existed. They did not know that they had a clitoris I could see that You mean so so they'd never really like masturbated beforehand. Well, I think I think I think women are becoming like men In that they too can't find the clitoris No, I think that How can you not find if you if you had a clitoris?  Yeah, like rub against something and then you're like Yeah, uncle murray All right now the whole picture comes together now, so if you want to uh I like how we went from ryan to clitoris is in like 30 seconds.  I was just thinking about women riding horses. Oh, they discovered it Yeah, this they discovered their clitoris. They they yeah, so But what did that have to do with the budget? David coke. Oh, yeah, he has a small penis. It's like a clitoris blah blah blah Right and we're doing oh what makes people hateful. So I was saying What small penises and I said that's what makes women hateful. They have small penises, right? Yeah, I think when you meet The republicans They smell bad. Mm-hmm. They really do like literally, but yeah, they're rotting. There's something bilious about them and What's the biggest republican you ever met? I rather not say oh, okay, but they're they are pretty disgusting people and Uh, and they project their own Disgust onto other they automatically assume That everybody is as hateful as they are right So that's what you're up against I mean in order to Win against the republicans the only way to beat the republicans is for the democrats to go to the dsm Look up what they're suffering from which is an incurable borderline personality and The kryptonite for republicans is Governing Yeah Yes, yeah Actually, it's ridicule. Mm-hmm, which is why they ridicule our side. They You go to the dsm and you can diagnose a died in the world republican The only way To win and marco rubio got that.  Mm-hmm. That's what the republican party is and incompetence. That's going to be the big thing Yeah, these guys can never govern they never They I mean think about people don't remember how bad things were at the end of bush. I mean everything was falling apart I don't understand.  You're being manipulated by all this like do you think there's a An invisible hand and like uncle murray Do you think there's an invisible hand who's Yeah, I think there are about 40 families 40 invisible hands Doing all this the illuminati I don't think it's an illuminati. I just think it's I think it's various hands competing against each other Okay And they're some of them are in the democratic party and some of them in the republican party But in the end it's when we talk about washington dc In the end it's about money and power. Yeah, and people vying for it Is that a fair statement? Yeah, I would say so. I mean You're just talking about like billionaires and stuff like coke brothers. Yeah. Yeah Yeah I mean when you talk like that a lot people are You know people bring it the break they bring up george soros and stuff like that But when you talk like that people think you're automatically like a conspiracy nut But I think when it comes to that I don't think that's the case. I really think that you're right on that I think it's I think washington Is the arena where People who have lots of power and money are trying to take other people's power and money Away from each other. It's like the rose battles. It really is and So and it becomes a game and has nothing to do with serving the people if washington dc is a construct Short of paying your taxes. Can you ignore what's going on in washington dc live in america? And have a calm tranquil life a friend of mine is in his 80s now And he said, you know once trump got elected He just turned everything off. I know a lot of people doing that. Yeah, because it's just it's we're off I mean, I kind of watching msnbc all day. I want to lose my mind by the end of the day I mean, can you be immune to this and just view it as a As a construct and just say okay, this is just a show that's on television. I'm not mexican. I'm not arab I live On a hill This will pass in 20 years. Can you do that? I think a lot of I don't know if it's moral. I just think people do it, you know I mean I just some people just aren't not interested in politics anyway or some people just think oh everything will turn out Okay, right. I think that's what people that's the most people think everything will turn out Okay, in the end something good will happen and that's probably the worst way to feel You know because I think people a lot people thought of that about trump. It's like yeah, he won't be that bad you'll see you know and uh We're gonna wrap it up. You'll stick around.  I'm into policy and government and history and Paul ryan isn't politics. That's only an aspect of it.  It's and that's Part of that is politics, but part of it is governing right I think we have to start saying i'm into governing How we govern each other, but no one cares how you govern they just want your their guy to win really well politics Is has a nasty flavor to it now. Oh, that's just politics. Yeah I think we either Give value to the word politics or say This is we're talking about governing here. There's there's a time for politics and then there's a time for governing Instead we have a permanent campaign now in dc as opposed to governing. So I think we have to Change that when we come back We'll talk more with eric and we'll be joined by stand-up comedian and award-winning writer for HBO's last week tonight with john oliver Mr. Kevin avery Eric brand scene is here and i'm about to introduce kevin avery in a moment. I just Want to tell everybody that this is going to be the best show That we've ever done Not because kevin avery is here, but that's partly why a lot of pressure Maybe because eric is here probably that's weird. Yeah. Yes. Yeah But my back is against the wall kevin avery um Literally You've set yourself up This is going to be the best show.  Uh-huh, but it really is against the wall It's against the wall for many reasons. One is i'm in a lot of trouble.  I was late. I showed up 20 minutes late. I was afraid. I was going to be late I was around the corner where fudge is made. Yeah and uh By the way, you haven't done the show before that that is the most sophisticated thing. I know you won all these beauts I hit my sweet spot Um that by the way, that's the gift of being in your 50s Yeah, is you can do a milk milk lemonade joke and suddenly it becomes funny Well, you're not wrong. I was at a coffee shop So the two cups fudge definitely being made So we'll get back to you Few hours Lord willing Yeah, I was I was around the corner.  And I was racing to you know took no time. So I don't I Now I don't feel as bad. May I introduce you? Oh, yeah To jesus. This is a book. I want you to all right. No, let me introduce you because believe it or not There might be some people on this planet Who don't know who you are. I believe it. I believe that's it Kevin Avery is a stand-up comedian and writer He just finished up working on the highly critically acclaimed award-winning hbo's last week tonight with john oliver You were the head writer on the critique critique. I have trouble saying critically Critically acclaimed in short lived. What does that mean? Sure. Well, it was around for like two seasons. Yeah, why it wasn't short lived long enough It lived long enough as paul ryan says to people who need health insurance Uh, totally biased with w kamau bell. Yep. Oh You've also written on vh1's best week ever And you also co-host the popular podcast Denzel washington is the greatest actor of all time period period Which is part of the ear wolf network We have a history together. We do We go way back We both started in san francisco that is correct We didn't uh Work together. Did we ever work together? We I think we worked together We did one week at the punchline together. I think in san francisco We'll talk about that. I have questions to ask you. Okay Your high energy brand of stand-up has been called rare and magical As a sparkle unicorn doing west side story choreography under a liquid light show That's what the sf weekly. Yes one. Yeah Somebody said that Yeah So you open for me at the punchline. I believe I did do you mind eric if I just ask him a couple of questions? No, I'm I'm listening because I'm interested about the san francisco comedy. I don't know much about it I know there used to be a place called the purple onion. Yes. That was a big place, but that's all it's now doc's lab or something Yeah, I think they changed it. I don't I don't know You know, let's talk about I'm on a bit of a narcissistic binge right there. Okay I know that I sense it because so I apologize. I don't know But let's talk about san francisco and what it was like to open for me. And this is what I'm going to assume. Okay. All right I never watch The opening acts. Mm-hmm I just don't yeah Because I'm threatened by them Really? Yeah, it's not just I don't I think a lot of comics Well, some will try to watch but then I think it's 50 50 like sometimes I don't feel like watching Everybody you know what I'm saying like but you felt threatened you genuinely Well, if the opener is like killing then it can kind of get in your head a little bit because then you're like I have to follow that so Yeah, but sometimes I think you need to watch some of it to sort of Feel the energy of the I know what you mean like it's sort of yeah, you don't want to get in your head too much but I feel like sometimes Uh, you need to sort of Know what's I don't know. It's hard to explain but you know what I'm saying like no, you're right You need to fill it out a little bit.  Okay doing coke or I you know or doing this which is really annoying The crossword puzzle With your reading glasses and then they knock on your door Sure He's got five minutes left. Oh, okay. Okay.    It is. Well, they got a sofa or so. Yeah. Yeah, they have a sofa I think they have two sofas in somehow they crammed two sofas in there They've redone it.  They were going back. Yeah Yeah, they yeah, they were kind of doing that for a little bit and that's exhausting I get it. I mean I get why he does that Well, he can he can And I think he's a guy that just loves to mine anything for For material. Yeah, and and see what's in here and just kind of shake it out and what else is there I mean what's left is reality. It's other people who are going to hurt your feelings. Yeah And he could be funny just kind of just yeah talking yapping. Yeah, but he can also be completely captivating Not being funny. Yeah, not having a like he is a guy who's definitely not afraid of silence Right and and I think that that's a hard thing to get over When you're a comic and I know I had a hard time Doing that just being comfortable Sort of talking and like working, you know, like Eric and I were saying earlier I I've because I don't you know, when I was writing on Last week tonight and even on like totally biased I didn't have time to to write material as often as I wanted to so I did a lot more writing on stage But you have to be comfortable just sort of going.  Are we going somewhere? You know two questions one one Sleeping while Dave Chappelle is on stage. Yeah. Yes. I have two questions one is Does that remind you of being a child? When your parents were having a party I'm being serious And you would fall asleep and everybody was having a good time and all I mean, I have found that like Falling asleep while another comic is on And my audience knows what I'm talking about because they fall asleep all the time I guess what I'm saying is if you want to recapture your childhood of your parents having a party People Drinking and laughing come see me perform and take a nap Take a nap, but you got to be in another room go be an audience could cram into the green room Then and sit that would be like at that childhood reliving. Okay, Dave Chappelle. Yes um, you revealed something about yourself that I find very endearing and That that I'm guilty of and that is Would you agree that Dave Chappelle? is One of the best comics whoever did it. Yes. Is that that's a fact. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, no doubt no doubt So you are opening for one of the greatest conferences ever done it. Yeah It is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Mm-hmm.  Yes But like David Feldman You chose To go into the dressing room and take a nap Look It had been a long day And uh, no, I mean the fact is um, I have been incredibly fortunate as a comedian and You know coming up Dave Chappelle was you know, uh outside of the the the The granddaddy icons your your priors and flip wilson and and cosby and you know, uh Chappelle was to me the greatest.   It was you know, we're talking like then did you you didn't open for him? No, no, I'm just saying that like sometimes I've gone before like an amazing comedian and I'll have a great set And I'm like, oh, I'm awesome. And then I'll see this other next level person and I'm like, oh, yeah See I opened for Dave And he's he won't talk to me anymore because of what happened. I opened for him This is a true story. I opened for Dave Chappelle at the shoreline amphitheater five years ago And I killed Okay And I get off stage and I feeling good feeling good. I said follow that M. Effer I hand him the mic Good natured. You know good natured. Yes. Yeah, he goes out. That's a classic. Yeah.  You were with me two minutes ago I go downstairs to get a cup of coffee.  You're not wrong. No, that's what the why first of all Why doesn't that happen more often? Wait a minute I was with you for 30 minutes I mean, why doesn't that why don't we hear about that story all the time my best friend My bet you're doing you're laughing at my best friend You do that on shows.  Yeah, I'm out of here being dragged out by security But there is that little part of you by the way, that's not a true story I but At one point it I was I realized it wasn't but I was like, oh god. I really wish this Shoreline it but you imagine that would have you found lying it's so good that I almost I leave them halfway through all the time Well, I there was a point where I was like, I don't know whether I this is a it's a bit Have you found lying? It has gotten so easy.  I had Todd glass on the show last week So I like to Sucker you I like to pull you in I like to lie with the and then the reveal is that I was joking I have noticed that I get especially since trump has become president It's a hard night to follow. You can sit number. You can say anything and people go.  So we're already there You're telling me this story about how you went on staging yelled at the audience during Dave Chappelle said and I'm like Yeah, no, I think I saw something like that happen Did I did I imagine that or What's the worst experience you've had on stage where you completely the work like we're As bad as yelling at the audience For me or I mean, I don't think I've had any like crazy. Well, yes I uh, I was playing uh, I was opening for cat Williams. Wow At Tommy tees. Wow This is I hang on. Hang on. Let's paint this picture. Tommy tees in in conquered conquer the uh, yes the Cadillac ranch Tommy remember the the country western bar. Okay. And so what year was this was this one? This was this would have been Oh five. So he was kitten. Williams. He was yeah He was not well. He called him little meow meow But he was now see do you he was You know, he he's originally I guess he started in st. Louis, but he was in oakland for a while. Do you remember he was cat in the hat and I used to Go do every once in a while. I would do this place the end zone in oakland and he would be there and he you know And then he moved to la and he there was an end zone.  I think cat's audience the the deaf jam crowd not black But deaf jam right and so uh, and so I was like, you know, I'm gonna do this I'm gonna I'm just gonna man up come out and I used to sort of challenge each other play these oakland rooms Man and do this and you know, um because it's easy to just live in your little san francisco world and you know And so, uh, I've got a lot of questions to ask you about that. Go ahead. Uh, so First show It's uh, it goes okay You know just all right one of those that's like there, you know, um second show Uh, not as good kind of eat a little bit more. Maybe even some booze I already left, you know Bad enough so that the next day I Was I just did not want to go back and I remember spending the whole day At the at the metri on at the movies and then like sitting in a bar and then going back to the movie Like I was just good. I did not want to go and finally I get to this gig Do the first show That goes fine Pretty good. Come people. Hey man, you were funny and how many people in the audience? How um, uh, probably 250 maybe they they were trying to they squeezed them in there So i'm like, all right one more show. I can do this. This will be fine Of course it starts late Crowd crazy restless. There's every type of hat in there you can imagine Was it a church? It's like they all went from church And so so they all headed over there and um And I go up now the opener Uh He had every he did one of those things that I sort of unspoken The the The host of the show you don't I don't care how bad the previous comic though unless they just really take a Just do something egregious that you have to acknowledge. You don't berate the comic Who just got off stage.   Oh, good. Go ahead.     First couple of jokes fine third joke.  Yeah, and there's more talking. Could you fill out the menu for lunch? They have a vegan I ordered the roast beef. Yeah. Okay. Good. So guys, what do you say? What I'm trying to say is in my list I can't No, uh, what I I'm just trying to be heard if I could just But but yeah, that's it in that murmur gets louder and louder and louder and by the time I was 20 minutes at 25 minutes. It was yeah 20 25 minutes. How long did it feel? Uh, I thought I'd been up there for three days Like I felt like oh, I'm starving. This is weird Um, and I was cold but um, but I What happens is this is where it just turns into the nightmare It gets so loud and then everyone realizes. Wow, what's loud in here? We're all talking. Oh my god. Nobody's listening to this guy and then they're all watching you eat it That's when that's when it gets weird is when the talking stops and the attention just focuses on you That's it's showtime.   It's better than amazement The only people clapping like go ahead Good luck to you And and I just stood up there Drinking my bottled water just kind of waiting and finally the host I just feel a tap on my shoulder and the host is there and he's like, yeah Just come on and he just pulled me off stage And I walked off the only saving grace for that night Larry bubbles brown was having to be standing there. He was gonna do Yes And I literally as I walked away, he was like, well, I don't want to go up The best thing He won't cut alex I keep trying to get larry to come on the show Bubs, I don't Bubs get on the show bobs. I used to every night. I couldn't go to bed unless I checked in with bubs So let me ask you a way to bomb though That was and then they had to lead me out like I was standing there next to him And then I looked up in two security guards were like we need you to We need to we need you to come with us And they had to take me through this it's because there are people sitting there and then there are where the pool tables are There's a massive crowd standing there watching the show as well So they had to kind of escort me out through this crowd of like It was like, uh, you know, when uh I felt like a prisoner being escort Like liarby oswald being led through You know Like jack ruby was gonna pop out of like trying to shoot me, you know Like the kid or the cubs remember that cubs playoff game the kid who caught the ball He had to be escorted Yeah And they used they feel I think they should put him in a different outfit too Because they made him look like he worked there or something like they could have any other time they would have said Oh the manager, you know, he was just gonna talk to me like what happened and they gave him, you know Give me my check but the two security guards. Wow. And as I walked down. I remember there were people just like You know just whatever I have a question. I want to ask awesome stuff. I want to ask it is and I want to ask you about that But I have to tell you I used to be best friends with jeff garland before he was And he just got too busy and too successful I'm in new york, he's in l.a. But at the time we talked a lot and he was just breaking through on kerb, but wasn't Kerby enthusiast wasn't now one of the things about jeff garland You bring up the chicago cubs.   So we'd make up. Yeah. Yeah, okay So I wasn't there, but this is a true story About being escorted out. Okay And it's jeff's story and he doesn't remember it There is a beach ball During the seventh inning stretch of the dodgers game and they pass the ball around and it's accompanied by music They the you hear as the ball goes up and then it lands and they do they do sound effects to the beach ball as it's Bad it around and the ball flies all over the stadium And it's a it's saturday and every it's just packed And jeff is sitting behind home plate. Okay, and the beach ball comes to him and instead of batting the beach ball He grabs it And starts strangling it And then and then the sound effect guy goes going And once he realizes and now he's on the big screen the jumbo tron And he can't pop the beach ball Yeah, and he's just he is just You know trying to Strangle it and finally The audience the audience the baseball is booing And it's the both players teams from the dugouts now come out To see jeff garland that is strangling the beach ball and it won't Pop and everybody's watching and booing him And he's a comedian. So he's got all the attention and he finally I think at the time phones had an antenna Or something on his phone that he whipped at and he popped the beach ball And an entire Dodger stadium booed him They booed him right Although he says a couple of people applauded when he finally Thank you He heard there were a couple of people who were impressed that he popped the beach ball and he got you know And only a comic would know No, I had that one guy I had him So it's over he sits down And he starts orders a hot dogs and peanuts a beer he's going to watch the rest You know second to last two innings And People start throwing stuff at him And he goes they wouldn't let it go. Who's a beach ball? What's the big deal? I I popped a beach ball. What's the big deal?  Excuse me. You have to come with us for your safety, sir For your safety sir. Wow. I I swear to god. This is true. I swear to god.  I really like you and curb your enthusiasm my parents and I watch it. You're great It was like that mean joe green Oh my god, and he said he said that's what got him to the car And that one kid and he said to me, you know what? You can be hated by 75,000 people. Yeah, but if one person gets you, it's worth it. There you go That's what that's what those kids were right in the front row just clapping in this guy's going down 30 bucks, well worth it Yeah, now I think comedians How long are you? I think we're very spiritual people Versus comedy writers. Uh, yeah Yeah, is that a fair statement? I can say that about myself. Yeah. Yeah the adjustment That I have struggled with going back and forth between stand-up and a comedy writing room is stand-ups do a lot of work on themselves And reach a certain point where they're a bodice feast bodice fiesta. How is it pronounced where you're For example, how many years into comedy were you when that happened? Maybe Eight or nine. Oh, that's your one, but you're spiritually stunted That's it for me Why I sound like you were more experienced because you took that bombing like a man No, I think you know, I think you failed the comedy gods There are comedy gods kevin avery and I think you Is that why they haven't gotten back to me? On any of my comedy prayers Well, you have you have to serve the comedy gods and you weren't serving them that night. Um, I mean I felt here's The thing I remember feeling when I left was proud I remember feeling pride. So you were serving yourself and I was serving myself. I um bad Oh, I did I did flip the audience off Oh, you you so I really kind of You know, I didn't I didn't maintain the The the professional poise I'll say I I just was not going to get off stage Until someone dragged me off as sure enough they did um, but uh, I I knew look I'm gonna do this no matter what and um, I'm just gonna take it And I and I walked out thinking I don't ever have to prove anything to myself again So I'm kind of done doing that.  It's like it's your fault. I walked into it. I crapped on the altar.  I remember driving home laughing. Oh, you were evil. I was you were shaking That a bad man. I was like I did it. I got through it And that was that It was a horrible experience Before malkin gladwell talked about 10 000 hours. There's a comedian named will durst Yes, who we just had on the show last week and he sat me down as a child even though we're the same age And uh, but I like to sit like a child and he said to me here. Here are the rules to stand up You don't get funny Until four years in yeah six years in You know, you're funny And it takes 10 years For you to let the world know that you're funny and he says that you can't change it. He said you can get Plucked by somebody in hollywood and given a sitcom and then you go out on the road because they know you from the sitcom But you'll in terms of your development as a comedian It it won't change. Yeah, I agree and I think the the big Awakening that every great comic gets is You go on stage. You're being heckled. It's not going well And you're zen And you you Just accept it. You're in the moment And you're saying this is the situation It's nobody's fault. Yeah, let's Stay totally focused on this Ocean of people that I can't stick my toe in two twice. Yeah Let's see what I can do here But that takes about 10 years to get get to that point. Yeah, um, I mean I was I was about there. Yeah, I guess, you know, it's yeah, that was but you were serving yourself Yes, well, I mean my goal was to get through it Right, so I guess that is that you weren't servicing the audience No, I had at that point abandoned any hope of Yeah, of entertaining them and I it was about now But now if you were in the same position, how would you approach it? You would turn down the gig. Yeah, I would never do it at first I'd be like I know putting you in the same situation.  I don't think I would have just said Here it comes. Let the Let the purge me again I don't think I would have done that because I think I just I just kept going through it and you know, but I think um I think this time I You know evasive maneuvers and you do what you got to do um now The other reality is that if I'm being a hundred percent honest with myself That just might be my achilles heel and I will always be in my head performing for that audience What do you mean performing for like a deaf jam craft, you know performing for cats audience So you were bringing something To that audience. I already brought yeah, they didn't deserve Uh, yeah, that's fair to say That's fair to say I mean based on my own personal experience and and and what I and my own insecurities and fears as a comedian at the time I definitely was like I I didn't just accept the gig like yeah, sure. What's um, I you know, right? I accepted it knowing All right, this could be a tough one, but you know what? You you know how to do this right go in there and just do your thing and and be who you are and I was I was still actually trying to teach myself how to go on stage and Take command of of any situation right and that's where I was at at that point and that was yeah, that was probably It might have been 10 years in but I think it was nine because I think I started in like You know 97 Okay, so let me get so yeah, that would have definitely been like eight I want to get back to what it was like to open for me. That was my first But I want to point I want to just And I was deaf jam crowds too, right? Yes, I do. Oh another deaf And they're sitting in their own jam I play nursing homes basically so I want to ask you about Oakland and San Francisco I want to ask you what it was like opening for the great david feldman. I hear he's very nice to his opening acts But I want to just get back to Why I bomb what happens to me. Yeah still And alex is seamless I get Uh nervous And when I get nervous I can end up watching the act that's coming on before me And I'll blame him. I haven't even been on stage. I have not been on stage yet.  Yeah doing jokes that I think are hacky And this is how I bomb. This is what I'm not right, but this is what I'm thinking.  This is so they're they like this and they're not going to like me Why am I still I've been doing it this long. Why do I have to follow an act like this? Why are there no standards in this business? Yeah, why do I have to be put through this?  You don't like anybody in the room and myself. Yes, and myself And so I can't focus on what's in front of me because I keep thinking about the past I will not I bring you cannot bring the past On stage. That's why that gets back to why I never when I became a headliner and it took me a long time to become a headliner Which is why I was a great headliner. I was an I never was a middle act I was a I was an mc. Oh, wow and nobody would move me To middle and I just said all right really and will durst said to me Will Durst god he gave me a lot of great advice He said Barry her head So her head is sticking at not the feet because the head will decompose quick. No He gave me great advice. Do I need to call the He said I said will I've been an mc for six years. It doesn't end. They will not bump me up to get pigeon holding that Yeah, he said buddy, you're only going to be an mc once in your life That's it. Then you get bumped up to middle. Then you get bumped up to headliner and It's just enjoy being an mc get into it Get totally into being an mc because will was will was held back He didn't move as quickly as he thought he and he said just get into being an mc and become the best mc You possibly can't do time After the the middle act Can you do time? How do you do when the when you do time? Oh, they hate me by then They just want to see the headlining and he said change that.  Change that Think of your think of your opening Act when you're the opener the mc you're like opening for yourself open for your exactly Can you keep that audience on your side after the middle act? He said then you'll become the greatest headliner Yep You can handle any situation and there was a time before you were born when I was a really great headliner because I could handle the check drop I can just because it's the 10 000 hours That being said Once I became a headliner And it took me 10 years to become a headliner I decided That when I'm on stage, there's no history There's no past. Yeah So I'm not going to watch the opening act and then somebody said to me Well, suppose he does similar material I said well I do jokes about eating people and You know The homeless I don't think anybody is going to Do my yeah, if somebody's doing my jokes or my material Then it's a bad booking You know that yeah, and so I'm just and so I purposely did and I wrote an act so I wouldn't have to watch The guys who came before me. Yeah So what was I like?  You did not Say that to me You I think you said it to the opener But it was middling I don't remember you telling me anything. Was this in san francisco in san francisco. Yeah, I got a question about san francisco Go um the the the opener I I heard that you said something to her about cursing And that was all I knew uh, you and I had a perfectly fine exchange with you, you know, I didn't know you that well either, right? but uh Yeah, it was fun and I was I was interested in watching you Um, then he took a nap in the green room. I I was interested, but then I was so I watched two minutes and I was like hell yeah, I gotta I've had a long day You know a lot of people said that about watching cosby I'm drowsy all of a sudden I'm gonna take a nap in the dressing room What venues were there? I don't think that was the same I don't Do you remember waking up with your pants down around your ankles? Like lose your headliner now, kevin amary Say my name introduce me.  Say my name Introduce me Hear my credit, let me hear you say him. He's a middle and a bottom, right? Oh Knock it off. I'm not doing that again. Come on honey Do my intro Place clubs and colleges Give a warm mouth to david feldman So okay, so but uh, did I give you any advice because sometimes I get uh Um I don't think we talked that much. I just remember was I happy? Did I seem depressed? Tell me about me. No, you seemed uh, you seemed fine. I wasn't I and that was the thing I didn't know what to think What year was this? I'm pretending. I don't remember this. This is a power thing Eric, this is this is like this is what this does is this establishes dominos Overly very successful comedy writer and comedian. I'm jealous of So i'm pretending. I don't remember every second right This is what what happens is I invite very successful people onto the show right and then they leave broken I feel like the room got small Yeah, did I hear the door slamming suddenly I should I should do the show I should get back to the show. I think of an answer. Um, I think I broke him I just come back a wee paper No, there wasn't a lot of advice talk Um, usually I do that's one of my annoying things, but I feel like Frank here. Okay. Is Frank We're gonna wrap this up. Okay. Um, we'll come back. Of course. Yeah, this is fun. Okay. Um Yeah, because I think If that didn't happen, then I would have then you probably wouldn't have been able to get rid of me Because I could sit and talk about this crap all day. Um, and I enjoy You know, so what what do you got? What are you? I I'm always amazed by what I don't know About stand-up that I suddenly learn whether by myself or about you know, but um But yet you fell asleep Working with Dave Chappelle. I uh seems like there's the look I took two naps in my entire time of opening for a day And he was going on forever Um And it was all yeah, you know look that but I also liked That I could do that I liked That part of that was if I'm being a hundred percent honest that had to be a little bit of ego me going That's right. Look at me.  Tell me who denzel washington. He's not better than k.c. Affleck apparently No, uh, not no, that's Come on you're setting the bar high when you talk about all ca but um He's a young actor who is uh been in been in about 45 plus movies. Okay. I have to look him up Yeah, he's uh something called fences recently does some directing. Yeah two oscars. Really? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah Uh, what category? He lives with two guys named oscars. He lives He lives on a compound Two oscars so it's just two guys and they're both sloppy Yes, that's a bad even couple. I know it doesn't work. I think it's why you've never heard it Well, this person you talk about got the shaft. I think turn the oscars I think that he should have won. I think he thinks he got the shaft I think it's one of the rare times when he was not hiding here. You know, I obviously I can't speak further, man but uh, he I'm trying to do a richard round tree joke, but I'm not sure if I can get there Can't get around that tree That's so bad.  You're in trouble. Is he mad at me because everybody's mad at me. This is the I'm always this is well, you've blown it. I know I'm a little annoyed with you. You know what? This is the only time This and stand-up is the only time I'm calm Yeah, the rest of the time I'm under siege The rest of the time I'm being attacked also with Denzel Washington movie. Yes So, what is the Denzel Washington podcast about it? It's just about a guy named Denzel Washington all things Denzel and It's me and W. Connell just talking about our love for this uh, this actor Who's probably the greatest actor of all time period You know, I listened to it once and all I heard was You shaft the balls the shaft look That's that's just how it works I'm sorry if you don't like it get the hell out. I hope you haven't met him I have met him.  Oh good. Don't have him. I do not have him on the pod. You can't have Then it's over right the final episode. I mean you cannot have him. You can't top it I don't know. We yeah, it's um I I had like the uh, the the kid the coat kid commercial thing that you talked about I had one of the mean jill green Yeah, I had one of those where he was I'd seen him speak And I was wandering around the theater after it was over just kind of waiting for an uber driver And I looked up and I ran into him like And we had a brief exchange and he can you I I have to wrap it up. Yeah, I'm gonna give both of you the last word But I have to get this off my chest Please is out. I just want to say this and has it's not important, but I just have to share this with you Did you ever see I'll send it to you the Don Rickles appearance on Letterman with Denzel Washington No, yeah I haven't seen in a while, but yes, watch it. Watch it because I actually I When I think about it, I get emotional for America to me it is like Oh This is this is a country that Is getting better. It's it's Denzel With Letterman. Yeah, and Denzel's always good in interviews too and then Letterman goes, you know Don's Don Rickles is coming out and Denzel goes. Oh, I want to stick around for that And that's great right away because like normally he's like well, I have to go I have to stick around for Don and Dave goes really he goes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I want to and so they He moved over and Rickles came out and here you have Denzel Washington the and it's just a hopeful Beautiful experience. Yeah, I don't mean to burst the bubble But Don couldn't Close he could not seal the deal. He didn't do. Oh What he was supposed to do you have to watch it had he done What Denzel wanted him to do It would have been a ground it would have been the most beautiful thing in american history. I need to see this again I need to know exactly Don chickened out because had he pulled the trigger it would have been It would have been iconic In terms of the civil rights movement, but he chickened out He didn't and I have a theory as to why but I'm not going to discuss it right now You get the last word Kevin. Yeah Denzel Washington is the greatest actor of all time period. Mm-hmm. How do people contact? I'm at kevin avery on twitter. So find me there The the podcast is on itunes. It's on ear wolf. It's everywhere podcasts are and um And congratulations on your writer's guild award. Thank you. Oh, thanks very much. Very good. Yeah, and Mr. Branstad, yeah, just follow me on twitter eric brand steen e r i k b r a n s t e e n Um, and I have a podcast to last exit to brooklyn, which I do with tom mcaffery the most depressing movie. I've ever seen I love that movie one for me one for george one from the gay guy Who's splitting the pills? Oh, that sounds have you ever seen that? No. Oh, it's a beauty Oh, it's one of the most who's the director. He's a german guy, right? Is it not that? Why do I think wolf now? Um, anyway last exit to brooklyn so sad Okay, wrap it up. Yeah, I don't want to ask you what's the best denzel movie of all time I mean that's hard to say I someone say malcolm x my my favorite, uh, uh denzel flick It was malcolm 10 What where's my it's a franchise. Yeah, no, I know malcolm's, uh eight seven and three So check those one way it went to outer space. That was a good one. Yeah crimson tide for my money is my favorite Really, uh denzel washington movie. It's a great. It's a very underrated movie. I like sub movies Okay, gandalfini's in that too. I have to watch you. We're just going to say gandalf That's way below that's below the that's below the water even Wizard rises up and moves the submarine. Uh, I remember watching training day Great and I remember saying This is how wrong I was. I said, I gotta wrap it up. I could I remember watching the movie saying This is a flawed movie. Yeah, but he is going to get the oscar And it's like training day is like a martin scorsese film in that and by the way, I said scorsese not scorsese He's not calling him marty. It's not scorsese. Yes, you're right. Okay Uh training day is like a marty movie in that when you see it the first time you think It's got a lot of great moments, but it doesn't add up and then it comes on the television. You go, oh my exactly This is the greatest movie I've ever seen of my wife. It's just yeah, it's one great moment after another Jesus, we need to have you want to talk about this. I'll talk about denzel. Please. I'll talk about the letterman appearance Oh Because I have I have serious issues with that. Oh my god. Yeah. All right I'll talk because I I think finally something good came out of this whole hour. I'll talk about why I think don Missed out. I'm gonna go watch that right now. I'm so interested. Let's talk about it because I think he missed out on an iconic Moment that would be in the new museum at the smithsonian. Hey, thank you, sir. Thank you. This was great Madam great work when we come back my lady when we come back. We're gonna take our clothes off And first we'll have to put them back on to take them off and mr. Frank conif will join us. What a great show. Thank you guys Welcome back. Welcome back Frank conif is about to join us, but I have to address something before we talk and I didn't put you on the round table because I didn't want to share you You haven't been here for a while and I did not want to share Frank conif with anybody else There's plenty of me to go around ladies But before we do i'm on my apology tour mea culpa mea culpa tour I was 20 minutes late for the taping And I need to apologize For last tuesday's episode Because my energy was elsewhere. I had will durst and bobby slayton Was it friday show? Yes, you're right Yes, you're right. This is tuesday's episode Um, well, there you go. This is what happened So we had juda grunstein on the show from world policy review, which you should Listen to that you would like that. Okay. I want to talk to you about my conversation with juda grunstein Hang on right making a note But I also had two of my heroes will durst and bobby slayton and the show was slapped together And you guys all started in san francis together, right? Yeah And I opened with a lousy joke And it was a sloppy show It was slapped together because I wasn't focused I am Getting a divorce. I'm pretty much divorced, but the lawyers Keep making me dot the i's and cross the t's because they it's extra billing hours. There you go And because I do a show with ralph nader not that he's advising me in any way I feel morally obligated to call these guys scumbags To let them know that they're scumbags. If not, they're like corvairs to you Yeah, so Alex kept saying to me I Stop writing these letters to your attorney Focus on the show And I could not let go of it I could not and all my energy went into Explaining to my divorce attorney the one I just No longer work with but what he suffers from That does it does it make it more awkward that um bobby And um will and myself are all siding with your wife I'm I am too That's why I'm such a difficult client for these lawyers. I'm going she's just give her everything It don't get a divorce. That's my advice. I'll try not to now. You have a book out Cats versus con if you're currently writing well, it's it's it's in final proofing stage now It'll be out in about a month or so and it's kind of like I haven't read it But I would assume it's kind of like a divorce, right? It's no it's uh, it's it's my cats It's a chronicle everybody probably read about this in the papers of when my cats sued me for defamation of character Yeah, I didn't I didn't want the nasty things I said about them on twitter And so it's it's a defamation of character suit. Are you allowed to talk about this? Um, I can talk a little bit about it when it comes out. I'll be able to talk about it I was I as I well because if you read the book the whole thing was settled but uh, Oh, it is I don't want to give I yeah, I don't want to give that away But you didn't have to sign a confidentiality agreement Uh, no, I didn't not with my cash. So you're going to talk about this This trial where my cat sued me. Yes Is going to be the main focus of this book, uh, cat's v con but aren't you afraid the cat is going to see you for writing the book Um, that could happen.  So That could happen at any point who who is more litigious Um, I would say milley is the is the more litigious ones for reasons. I won't give away, but that you'll find out in the book And they sued you for defamation of character. Yes so That's pretty hard That's hard to prove in the united states that you file in a British court. I mean no, it was an american court Hmm Yeah, so they yeah, are you sure you can talk about this? Um, I I can talk about it a little bit I don't want to talk about it too much until the book comes out but uh Well, frank also has a book that you can all get right now. Yes available on amazon Um, and uh, and wherever I do a show. I'm always have it as merchandise 25 mystery science theater films that changed my life in no way whatsoever And for those of you who don't know who frank conif is He is Without a doubt and I mean this sincerely the best Twitterer and facebook poster Out there. Oh, well, thank you. I the best I I I would put some people now you're My my uh partner at serious xm. John fugal saying it's a pretty great. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes That being said I will give you the greatest compliment I can give because I like to post. You know who my favorite tweeters are Uh, it's a cross-up between eddie pepidson. Yes And uh, a partner and charola Okay, her tweets are brilliant. Okay every single one of them. Well coming from you. Mm-hmm That is that speaks Volumes and michael fox. So you've had on the show is also a great tweeter Hey, michael fox. Mm-hmm Let's talk about michael fox.  Thank you. Yes I am so glad you said that because She was on to me. Uh-huh and by that. I mean she was coming on the show and She kind of saw through me and I had to earn her respect I didn't give her that I was putting her on round tables. Right And that was unfair to her. Mm-hmm. She is brilliant. Yes. She really is and and she's on our last Tuesday show, uh-huh With cathleen madigan. Mm-hmm Oh, that's a great lineup. Yeah boy, you know, but she was alone. Right. She is as sharp I'm so glad you said that. Yeah, I had a really fight for her respect. Oh, I've been a big Uh, booster of her for a long time. In fact, um, it was on my recommendation When uh, john fugelsang and I and you were in a couple of the shows. I think when we were doing, um Live riffs of the debates Uh She she was in those shows on my recommendation because I the first time I met her I did a show that someone else book that was, um making fun of um Music videos from the from the 80s. They show them and then we we just uh, yelled out comments And she was so funny that then when we were going to do that at qed with the debates Um, she was kind of the I I recommended her based on that because she has two podcasts. Yes this weekend jacking Which she does with A guy right and then she does shame on which I've been on shame on This weekend jacking is great, but my Sorry, thank you. No problem. Does that kick you? No, I'm good. Okay. I'm gonna kick you. So I'm sorry But I will be kicking you I don't hit that's what I told the divorce attorney.  Yeah, that should be a television show. It's great. They're great together. They're both great And it's it's a hilarious premise.  They take a giant crap on every Week and they're hilarious Unfiltered and until I listen to that I apologize to mica Last week on the show because I knew her as a stand-up And she kind of You really see the brilliant.  She's a great stand-up The shame on though is where because it's a podcast, right? You can really reveal what that's shows her Brilliance and so when I when I brought her I was able to get her to come back on I I think I treated her differently Thank god. Mm-hmm and Saw her more three-dimensionally and saw her only as a stand-up and I don't Read her twitter follow her twitter is great Okay, and what is it like what is she just she just she writes jokes, you know, whatever About whatever is going on or things that happen to her Observations of hers and and they're they're great and eddie pep atone. Yeah eddie pep atone is in a class all by himself Absolutely.   Mm-hmm a comedian. Yes And an artist had a gallery on the fake gallery on melrose And it was a place a moment in time No longer is yeah One of the really fun things about living in la at that time the fake gallery And uh, I used to do my podcast live from there My first exposure to the fake gallery You and eddie Would sit in a balcony right On iso cams with cameras on us. Yes, but separately separately But there'd be two tv screens on the stage that would have us Host mc the show and it was like and we never did material we just Battered with each other when I did do material And the way eddie had a deconstructing everything And I'd say some joke and he goes, you know that joke worked better three weeks ago, you know He just like the way he deconstructs things is so hilarious My mind is racing right now. So let me just say this and then we'll get to other stuff paul keselowski's The fake gallery doesn't exist anymore. No, but let me describe to the listeners What this was and I think paul Should he lives in upstate new york? He does. Yes Let's contact paul And you and eddie Should do that somewhere with paul. That would be great. I would love that Let me describe this to the audience and let's get the ball rolling on this because I would definitely go watch this And this was before you guys This was like right when obama got elected. Yeah, it was it was it was 10 10 years ago eight years ago So you both of you were really funny, but nobody knew how funny you were keselowski did Yeah keselowski was always a big but nobody knew who you were back then People like writers knew who you were right, but nobody knew eddie was Yeah, I think I think his reputation had already was already growing back then for sure So the way paul set this up was there'd be two old television sets on the stage The lights would dim the tv's would be turned on and you and eddie like big brother Big brothers would appear and it was black and white. Yeah, that was the genius. It was great And you talk and the audience knew you were upstairs in the balcony, right? So there wasn't yeah, there were people in the balcony with their audience right just like sitting right next to us and stuff I always have a problem with playing tv In a nightclub. It's not I don't think that works Unless it's live And it was live and then you would bring up acts. Yeah I think That should be revived. So we have to contact we have to contact paul. Yeah And I would just come and watch it and I will promote it on this show And I think everybody who's listening right now should tweet at Frank and eddie pepetone to revive this. What was it called? It's just called the fake show The fake show. Yeah And then how would you do it? How would you produce this?  That was when I first met uh, whitney comings used to come to that open mic Wow And uh, would it work with eddie on skype? I mean even if it could it work with skype? I don't know if it would It probably because I mean i'm i'm like i'm i don't think in terms of what technology can do So maybe it could work really well, but it wouldn't be as funny. We got to get paul in on those. Yeah, we notice notice how Hey, alex, did you see what I just did there? We Should we include paul in on this? What about eddie? We don't need eddie on this. We don't need anybody We're just human. I can do what eddie does Hey alex Can we get a younger frank for? That's when you bring the industry. That's what they'll start to ask Does it have to be tv? Why don't you stand on the stage with them?  You know what I mean?  I think has that really special quality that that that he could Really um Be a big star. I've always felt that about him. Can I brag uh, can I brag sure? I Knew that you and eddie Were geniuses and on this podcast when I was living in LA If you go back and listen to all the sketches, right I the only thing I take pride. I don't claim to be brilliant, but I knew you and eddie Um, and we had writers come in and write and you wrote and I wrote and if you put eddie in a sketch You're not going to go wrong. That's all there is to we had a talk show Steve Rosenfeld with right these sketches. It was pep