what's up guys we're back with another epic video today we have a mystery box i think i'll explain later so before that the giveaway i'll be giving away these three cards all you have to do is like this video be subscribed and let me know what you think of this mysterious situation so i'm going to explain what happened to you guys i got an ebay i decided i was going to buy a mystery box there's a few different options i think there was like a thousand dollar like a hundred dollar one two hundred fifty dollar one i picked the two hundred fifty dollar one and i just bought it but my name is ruxam 34 on ebay so the guy messaged me and he knew who ruxam 34 was so i was like okay so this might be a little bit biased toward me because he knows it's me but still cool so he messaged me i know you i love your channel or whatever i'm gonna send you this box i also want to send you another box so if you guys watched my video the other day that mysterious box i think that might have been i don't know if it was the original mystery box that i bought or if it was the second box because he told me he was gonna send me a second box so i got this box and i thought i was waiting on another box and i just looked at the tracking and i had already received it like a few days ago so i don't know if they were opening the original one that i bought for 250 dollars or if we're opening the second box i think this is the original one hopefully there's something that tells inside if this is the right box so we're gonna go ahead and open it we're gonna find out what's inside this mystery box yeah so this turned into a crazy situation but we have a mystery box or a second box this one's bigger though so i think this is the original i feel like this is the original somehow i got the other one first though so i don't know i'm just confused i'm very confused i thought that the other one was fan mail but i'm pretty i mean it's technically his fan mail he sent it in and i just realized this like literally right before recording this so that's why it's so confusing all right yeah this looks like the mystery box so this is the right mystery box $250 mystery box let's open this up we have first movie pack 2017 special edition um is this the secret rare is the ultras i think it might be the ultras we'll find out we have a structure deck spirit charmers okay we're probably not gonna open that one because obviously we know that uh you know it's it's a structure deck you know what's in there we get another one the freezing chain structure deck that's cool we have a graded card the aquamador yeah we got a we got a big boy graded card nothing too exciting there we're gonna have to do some math on see what the value is here we have hidden arsenal that's pretty cool two hidden arsenal so this was in the other one he sent us so yeah he must have a few of those we have dragons of legend the complete series definitely was not that great of a product but it did have the dice and then we have another one with dice the season two and then we have let's see a final 10 so this is a this is like a pretty old 10 like 2000 yeah 2014 the brotherhood of the fire fist tiger king so that's pretty cool he also asked me he said uh to shout out josh and felica on the engagement so there you go thank you guys josh see that's why i'm pretty sure that he was the box is it was from josh remember that so i'm pretty sure we were right about that okay so let's oh yeah i gotta show you guys the pack okay the first little batch of packs he has a 2017 we got some duelist pack yugi that's pretty cool two rise of a rise of destiny and dark revelation school because that's a little bit old school i like that that's thrown in there that's really cool first edition and then this doesn't come first edition but volume three pretty cool in the next one we have some korean lob which aren't crazy valuable but it's nice to see and then we have some actual um i say actual but english uh reprint packs so dark crisis and spellbiller that's really cool in the final batch of packs we have phantom rage first edition so we could get a starlight that's cool you got a battle's a legend quick at the 10k all right that'll be fun okay so that looks like all the pack so that was our 250 dollar mystery box everything in here adds up to whatever but that's supposed to be 250 dollars ish so let's go ahead and start opening and see what kind of value we can pull out of here okay so obviously i don't know exactly what the value is but i'm gonna have like a little counter probably for everything what it's worth on ebay or what you can buy it probably what you can buy it for rather than what you sold it for because it just gets a little bit harder to find sold listings of some stuff but uh i'll try and add up the value so we can see how close we came to our 250 dollars let me know if you guys are interested in more mystery box videos i bought this randomly off ebay the guy just happened to know me but um i might want to try that again but not with my main ebay account because then when they know me they may or may not put better stuff in there whatever so we've got a naturia pineapple because obviously i'm going to make a video about it so they want it to look better than it might okay so i opened the special editions at least i will probably go through the legendary duelist and the ten separately actually open them up okay so we can see like the dice and the promos and stuff we have uh the mvp one this is the ultra rare version probably the worst version because the gold version is really cool and the secret this one is just kind of like uh they're all ultras not as exciting in my opinion but still nice little pack hidden arsenal we have i've never opened a hidden arsenal special edition at least i don't remember doing it and now we've opened like three in the last week oh and here's the uh here's the foil right at the front the mist valley shaman let me know in the comments what you guys think about the value in terms of the sealed and then obviously what we pulled we're not going to pull 250 almost definitely because one that's really hard to do here we go anyway even if you have like a full value 250 it's just hard to get your money right like back out of pulling you know let me introduce you guys think about it all right we have korean lb what are the chances there's a hollow will there be a hollow in any of these korean packs that's what i'm interested in because a lot of times they're clumped together um you know was was it from a box you know did we actually get a fair a fair uh hollow chance we'll see if we get a hollow i'd be kind of surprised because there's not many of them and the ratios are like six per 40 packs in there basically because there's so many korean packs that's why buying korean loose is just not really a good idea okay naturia cliff i'm gonna give my i'm gonna give a one to ten rating at the end for this mystery box and maybe if we do more mystery boxes i can rate all the mystery boxes in the future and just you know i kind of have like a scale of how good they are okay neo blue eyes ultimate is pretty good i think that's worth a little bit that's probably our first decent poll we haven't had too much so far all right our last movie pack one dark sided dimensions which was printed like what four times something insane like just way too much um clear caribo chocolate magician girl's pretty good also by the way i was sent this master's shirt by one of the viewers um sam which is really cool so i appreciate that i opened that on the live stream yesterday if you guys didn't see the live go check it out it was just uh we opened a ton of packs but they weren't like crazy old or anything but it was it was a good time just hanging out with everybody there mist valley soldier i'm gonna have to check these uh hidden arsenal prices because i don't know if any of them are like worth the secrets are worth anything i know miss valley thunderbirds were something because i didn't know that for a long time and then i was like oh it's eight bucks or something i was pulling it like all the time okay here we go we've got i don't know what that is spike seeder beaver warrior and the super fun let's try another lob i really really want to pull a foil can we do it guys we have hinotama beast fangs we pulled a rare the final flame speaking of flames i am cooking right now because we did the live stream earlier and all these lights are bearing down on me now i'm recording the video for today and i am on fire right now i'm sweating literally sweating oh my goodness this is very hot the trials and tribulations i get through we got the metal dragon just to record the video all right hidden arsenal too let's see we've got ally of justice cosmic gateway i've like never heard of that card naturia beetle so far nothing too crazy we do have legacy packs coming up we are open to legacy Korean packs which are not as exciting but they are still cool yeah i've seen a lot of Korean packs recently just like randomly i thought it's crazy like i didn't even realize that that box was from him okay that's a nice dragon is the wicked knight so far no foil kind of what i figured all right we'll save the legacy packs for the end probably oh what is this oh okay all right okay oh this is the big boy from the ice barriers and dual links i'm sure they have much bigger boys at this point but the grunard general grunard the legionaire and gerak let's try for a let's try for a starlight real quick phantom rage okay what's the big one out of phantom rage um Zeus is a Zeus we can go for the Zeus i know this wasn't a very expensive card or sorry it's very expensive set let's go ahead and do uh let the legendary duelist there's only two packs in here yeah it's definitely an expensive card Zeus is very expensive it started off cheap just because phantom rage was very cheap at the beginning okay let's see what die we can get that's basically what we really care about here i guess the value is not too bad in legendary duelist season two it's pretty good actually the season one was the one that was really bad we got the oh we got the harpy we always get this one that's a cool one though and urgent schedule isn't that pretty decent it was like a 30 card in the original printing but that probably means is like two dollars now okay let's do the season two let's pull the what do we want there's tons of good stuff right blue eyes support harpy support stuff like that we got a black wing nothing nothing okay photon change decoy dragon pre-subsidized of blue blowing crossbow protector of thighs of blue blue eyes ultimate dragon that's cool cyber eternity dragon harpy channeler that's got to be a good reprint because that card was like you know 30 bucks or something 20 bucks is a super ultra i can't remember but as the ultra rare is like 40 maybe yeah it's like 20 is the ultra i think okay next pack this look at this deck they give you you could literally duel with like one mega pack cyber lady cyber harpy lady sorry mausoleum of white burst stream of destruction seager chaos form blue eyes white dragon that's awesome blue eyes spirit dragon that's a good one another blue eyes white dragon okay all right i like that back i'll take that and by the way the big announcement is hopefully going to be this week of something that i bought it's going pretty exciting so we're going to save that for the later this week we're also doing the labyrinth of nightmare 36 pack retail first edition booster box opening on wednesday live so come hang out there the live streams have been tons of fun recently we've had some really crazy polls uh check out the legacy of darkness from last week it was absolutely amazing it was awesome we got gungado tune dark magician that's good zudiac dryden okay 2017 gotta go with the drydens start us divine dragon and illusion magic very cool yeah these kind of packs were everywhere when i first got back into it because i got back into it late or early 2018 so all these 2017 packs for all of the walmart um because obviously they've just been 2017 okay dose pack yugi we want to get the dark paladin we want to get the dark magician girl the summon skull all that stuff we got a card of sanctity we can draw five million cards it's gonna be great okay phantom rage here we go if we get a starlight out of these can you imagine i don't care which one it is that'd be insane hanabi raid raptor phantom knights claw and rookie for hire okay phantom rage let's try it again so far we have not pulled too much if we're going by like what we pulled our value is not going to be so hot guys it's not going to be great but that we know that right off the bat that's just how it works you a man of the match um the packs so the pack selection that they gave let's kind of talk about this what do we think about it it is it's not horrible but it's not great so it does have more of a mystery box like from walmart feel like they kind of give you this stuff that's not that great like phantom rage the thing i was happy they gave a rise of destiny they gave a dark revelation three i mean that's not an easy pack to find then you have the legacy packs as well so those are pretty cool that they gave those five packs those were those were nice and they probably had some decent value for a 250 box so i think overall i'm not feeling great about this box but i'm not feeling terrible about it so i'm trying to think what i'm trying to think about my score at the end what we're going to do car to sanctity what we pull it only has a slight effect to the score because the only thing is like with loose packs you're like well were these like out of open boxes where they already pulled the good stuff where they scaled like only some of them could be scaled like yugi i doubt they would scale those though because they're not much valuable in it just kind of cool stuff but that kind of you know you think about that stuff but it's not necessarily a huge factor in terms of the score so we have phantom rage like if they open a phantom rage box and they pulled like the two secrets so they pulled a starlight and then they sold the rest that would be like the only thing you're concerned about for the loose packs oh we got a tribe brigade fair i'm gonna give up the baron blossom how about that so there's a decent pull i don't know what it's worth i think this one used to be worth a few dollars but it's been a while so i'm not sure okay we still have what okay we got the older packs let's go with let's go with dragons a legend first all right so for the die we got just a let's see are they are they different are they all like this are they all the dragon i'm not sure i can't remember and then we got the time wizard of tomorrow i do like these throwback ones they're really cool i don't know if they're actually any good like in terms of playability value all that stuff but they are cool all right what do we want to pull dark magician girl the dragon knight is there anything else we even want i don't know i can't remember it's tune kingdom in here think tune kingdoms in here right obviously we want that we got a tune rollback number 100 numerandreck it's in there that's a great pull tune kingdom we got the claw of haremos okay that's that's a pretty good pack i don't know what the kingdom is worth i know that the regular one had the most valuable most valuable had the most value but these these colored name ones did not do as well that was the initial release so i don't know i haven't checked since then let's see if we can pull another tune kingdom or the dark magician girl the dragon knight the alt art is the better one i believe and then there's the regular art from dragons of legend the original okay we got gear going lily bot construction train signal red cardian willow raid raptor okay galaxy aside for dragon oh we got it okay this is a really good uh a really good dragons of legends like legend box very good so uh yeah go ahead and subscribe for that there you go subscribe for that poll that was a very good mini box so it's looking better for our value might have actually made a little bit back okay we just passed 72 000 by the way yesterday which is awesome so subscribe if you're not i know a ton of you guys are watching that are not subscribed oh there's the secret right on the front um so if you're not and you're enjoying the content just go ahead and subscribe i appreciate all you guys that do that that is really awesome helps the channel we're getting close to a hundred thousand add a hundred thousand i don't know what we're gonna do let's give you guys like well what's he gonna say what are the what are they gonna do okay exchange let's see we got a few more packs here a few more packs let's see what we can get for this mystery box there's a darkness metal the dragon dark seal i keep forgetting it's at the front this used to be a good car but now it's banned i mean i said still a good card it's just not you know it's not worth anything anymore so it's worth like 10 cents okay here's the here's the reveal right on the front so let's go like this there we go it's not ruin it we would ruin we would probably ruin it if it's a 10k dragon we'd probably be able to see it from the side anyway but oh well we're gonna we're gonna do this anyway okay come on baby 10k dragon utopia i highly doubt it but you know how cool that would be to get out of a mystery box let the bolt the bolt penguin okay final battle is a legend here we go let's see what we can pull oh there it is right at the front the darkness to the dragon of annihilation i forgot of course nice three packs left from this mystery box kind of a longer video probably i hope you guys have enjoyed it let me know if you want to see more mystery boxes if you do like the video let me know in the comments of course subscribe because then you know you'll know when we actually do another one yeah okay dark crisis let's go for the why did i just forget the name the exoding necrosis i was about to say dark necrophere and i couldn't think of anything except dark necrophere i was like it's gotta be dark necrophere but it's not token thanksgiving is not dark necrophere in here either so great okay um let's go with spell ruler let's go for the blue ice you dragon the relinquish still never pulled a relinquish from mrl srl any of that so that would be cool to do that and i've opened a ton of srl and mrl like a ton probably thousands of packs maybe like eight thousand not thousands giant jerem okay we're not going to do it this time either red archery girl and umiruka yeah so my speech about how many packs have opened didn't matter let's do dark crisis then we'll do the actual old packs these are reprints so they're not actually old they're just reprints of old stuff okay shinado how about a shinado king of the higher plane let's do that agito let's do this we have something here we have an adora okay we did have something but it wasn't that exciting a mudora super rare always in dark crisis okay let's end it with rise of destiny the decoy chi pack the pack we always open for decoy chi let's see what we can get all right moe interceptor canon hand of neftis mokey mokey king guardian statue element doom percentage tricks meteor of destruction okay meteor destruction no good reprints in there either okay we're kind of hoping there were some decent comments final pack of the mystery box here we go guys can we pull something big an ultimate rare this is one of the first sets with ultimate rare it's not the first maybe is it the second or third i can't remember if it came i think it's third after flaming eternity or is it before flaming eternity i can't remember then it would be second i can't remember raging flame sprite you guys can let me know in the comments we got a zing zen who rock from the valley of haze lighten the load and here we go like button for luck guys we got it we got the decoy chi it's not the ultimate rare but it is a very nice rare probably worth like eight dollars so very very strong and uh oh okay not bad for the mystery box i nearly forgot to add this megaton in so we're gonna have to open up this megaton first before we can give this mystery box a score oh it has these really cool uh i don't know if you guys like these but these like platinum me secret rares i like them i think they look cool i think they look a lot better than the regular platinum's the regular platinum's are a bit crazy so i think that looks pretty sick and there's more cards behind there so that's really cool to get then we've got these three megaton 2014 so just have some decent cards in them i think we open one of these yeah we open one of these out of the uh out of the other box that he sent us that we didn't realize was from him white dragon super defense robots a best scale of mizuchi battle and boxer silvin hermitry i don't remember if that's any good or not pinpoint guard is not good i know that so i could sort of the seven stars is decent i think we got a vertical landing bouzhing bouzhingi centipede the good old bouzhingi's okay pack number two mega pack 2014 seven years ago at this point so if you guys remember this coming out let me know in the comments and uh let me know how it felt like that was like a year not seven years that's insane gang i got wind five brothers explosion aerial recharge mermail abyss sauce okay will a prophecy rank up magic numeron force i remember that card rainbow caribou that's a cool card i mean he just looks like a circle with like a kite on his head it's interesting evil swarm carry kiyoni kiyon i don't know i don't know what that is all right intercept tomato okay oh i said zeksel packs earlier for some reason i was thinking that this had uh that this had like the actual packs and then i remembered it's mega packs i think this is when mega packs first started right 2014 i don't think there was any before that so definitely cooler to get packs i think my mega packs are probably better for like actually getting car june like reprints and stuff bouzhingi sukiyomi okay nice oh the divine dragon knight belgrand is actually a really good one and uh hunkerota uda see this when we open this i said the cover card from shadow specters is what i was talking about we actually pulled it that's cool that's actually probably worth like 10 bucks one of i mean that's really good for a mega 10 value usually mega 10 values don't go that high obviously um that's not true for um red eyes your groon so you know but uh that's that's the mystery box guys all right mystery box scoring time guys i'm gonna go with this was a pretty fun mystery box there was a lot of stuff in there which is nice and a lot of different stuff to open it's very fun um 250 is pretty expensive but it's not insane so fun stuff to open there's a decent amount of it nothing insane like there was nothing huge in here there was like a couple of nice packs which made it a it was nice but it wasn't great so i would maybe like a more expensive pack in here that to make it like really good mystery box so i would say i would go with like a 7.1 out of 10 that's what we're gonna go with for this mystery box scoring if we ever do another one i'll do another score and that's over this video i hope you guys enjoyed it subscribe if you enjoyed the video and i'll see you guys later peace i'm a mental hero dark bright boom


CHAPTER XV-XV of first love, first love by Ivan Turgenev, translated by Constance Garnet. CHAPTER XV For the next five or six days I hardly saw Zinaida. She said she was ill. Which did not, however, prevent the usual visitors from calling at the lodge, to pay as they expressed it their duty. All that is except May Darnoff, who promptly grew dejected and sulky, when he had not an opportunity of being enthusiastic. Bielavzorov sat sullen and red-faced in a corner, buttoned up to the throat. On the refined face of Malevsky, Beflik had continually an evil smile. He had really fallen into disfavour with Zinaida, and waited with special aciduity on the old princess, and even went with her in a hired coach to call on the Governor-General. This expedition turned out unsuccessful, however, and even led to an unpleasant experience for Malevsky. He was reminded of some scandal to do with certain officers of the engineers, and was forced in his explanations to plead his youth and inexperience at the time. Lushin came twice a day, but did not stay long. I was rather afraid of him after our last unreserved conversation, and at the same time felt a genuine attraction to him. He went a walk with me one day in the Neskuchny Gardens. It was very good-natured and nice. Told me the names and properties of various plants and flowers. And suddenly, apropos of nothing at all, cried, hitting himself on his forehead. And I, poor fool, thought her a flirt. It's clear self-sacrifice is sweet for some people. What do you mean by that, I inquired. I don't mean to tell you anything," Lushin replied abruptly. Zinaida avoided me. My presence, I could not help noticing it, affected her disagreeably. She involuntarily turned away from me. Involuntarily, that was what was so bitter, that was what crushed me. But there was no help for it, and I tried not to cross her path, and only to watch her from a distance in which I was not always successful. As before, something incomprehensible was happening to her. Her face was different. She was different altogether. I was specially struck by the change that had taken place in her, one warm, still evening. I was sitting on a low-garden bench under a spreading elder-bush. I was fond of that nook. I could see from there the window of Zinaida's room. I sat there over my head a little bird was busily hopping about in the darkness of the leaves. A grey cat, stretching herself at full length, crept warily about the garden. And the first beetles were heavily droning in the air, which was still clear, though it was not light. I sat and gazed at the window, and waited to see if it would open. It did open, and Zinaida appeared at it. She had on a white dress, and she herself, her face, shoulders, and arms, were pale to whiteness. She stayed a long while without moving, and looked out straight before her from under her knitted brows. I had never known such a look on her.  Three days later she met me in the garden. I was turning away, but she stopped me off herself. Give me your arm, she said to me, with her old affectionate-ness. It's a long while since we have had a talk together. I stole a look at her.  Are you still not well, I asked her. No, that's all over now, she answered, and she picked a small red rose.  And will you be as you used to be again, I asked. Zinaida put the rose up to her face, and I fancied the reflection of its bright petals had fallen on her cheeks. Why am I changed, she questioned me. Yes, you are changed, I answered in a low voice. I have been cold to you, I know, began Zinaida. But you mustn't pay attention to that, I couldn't help it. Come, why talk about it? You don't want me to love you, that's what it is. I cried gloomily in an involuntary outburst. No, love me, but not as you did. How then? Let us be friends. Come now. Zinaida gave me the rose to smell. Listen, you know I am much older than you. I might be your aunt, really. Well, not your aunt, but an older sister.  Well, yes, a child, but a dear, good, clever one, whom I love very much. Do you know what? From this day forth I confer on you the rank of page to me. And don't you forget that pages have to keep close to their ladies. Here is the token of your new dignity," she added, sticking the rose in the buttonhole of my jacket. The token of my favour. I once received other favours from you, I muttered. Ah, commented Zinaida, and she gave me a side-long look. What a memory he has! Well, I'm quite ready now. When stooping to me, she imprinted on my forehead a pure tranquil kiss. I only looked at her while she turned away, and saying, follow me, my page," went into the lodge. I followed her, all in amazement. Can this gentle, reasonable girl, I thought, be the Zinaida I used to know? I fancied her very walk, was quieter. Her whole figure statelyer and more graceful. And mercy with what fresh force love burned within me. CHAPTER XVI After dinner the usual party assembled again at the lodge, and the young princess came out to them. All were there in full force, just as on that first evening which I never forgot. The Nirmatsky had limped to see her. Meidanov came this time earliest of all. He brought some new verses. The games of forfeits began again. But without the strange pranks, the practical jokes and noise, the gypsy element had vanished. Zinaida gave a different tone to the proceedings. I sat beside her by virtue of my office as page. Among other things she proposed that anyone who had to pay a forfeit should tell his dream. But this was not successful. The dreams were either uninteresting. Bielavzorov had dreamed that he fed his mare on carp, and that she had a wooden head, or unnatural and invented. Meidanov regaled us with a regular romance. There were sepulchres in it, and angels with liars, and talking flowers, and music wafted from afar. Zinaida did not let him finish. If we were to have compositions, she said, let everyone tell something made up, and no pretense about it. The first who had to speak was again Bielavzorov. The young Hazar was confused. I can't make up anything, he cried. What nonsense, said Zinaida. Well imagine, for instance, you were married, and tell us how you would treat your wife. Would you lock her up? Yes, I should lock her up. And would you stay with her yourself? Yes, I should certainly stay with her myself. Very good. Well, but if she got sick of that, and she deceived you?  And if she ran away? I should catch her up, and kill her all the same. Oh! And suppose now I were your wife. What would you do then? Bielavzorov was silent a minute. I should kill myself. Zinaida laughed. I see yours is not a long story. The next forfeit was Zinaida's. She looked at the ceiling, and considered. Well, listen, she began at last. What I have thought of pictured yourselves a magnificent palace, a summer night, and a marvellous ball. This ball is given by a young queen. Everywhere gold and marble, crystal, silk, lights, diamonds, flowers, fragrant scents, every caprice of luxury. You love luxury, Lushin interposed. luxury is beautiful, she retorted. I love everything beautiful. More than what is noble, he asked. That's something clever. I don't understand it. Don't interrupt me. So the ball is magnificent. There are crowds of guests. All of them are young, handsome, and brave. All are frantically in love with the queen. Are there no women among the guests, queried Malevsky? No, or wait a minute, yes, there are some. Are they all ugly? No charming, but the men are all in love with the queen. She is tall and graceful.  I looked at Zinaida, and at that instance she seemed to me so much above all of us. There was such bright intelligence, and such power about her unruffled brows, that I thought, you are that queen. They all throng about her, Zinaida went on, and all lavish the most flattering speeches upon her. And she likes flattery, Lushin queried. What an intolerable person he keeps interrupting, who doesn't like flattery. One more last question, observed Malevsky, as the queen a husband. I hadn't thought about that. No, why should she have a husband? To be sure, assented Malevsky, why should she have a husband? C'ilance, cried Meidanov in French, which he spoke very badly. Merci, Zinaida said to him, and so the queen hears their speeches, and hears the music, but does not look at one of the guests. These windows are open from top to bottom, from floor to ceiling, and beyond them is a dark sky with big stars, a dark garden with big trees. The queen gazes out into the garden, out there among the trees is a fountain. It is white in the darkness, and rises up tall, tall as an apparition. The queen hears through the talk and the music the soft splash of its waters.    But out there, by the fountain, by that splashing water, stands and waits, he whom I love, who holds me in his power. He has neither rich raiment nor precious stones, no one knows him, but he awaits me, and is certain I shall come. And I shall come, and there is no power that could stop me when I want to go out to him, and just stay with him, and be lost with him out there in the darkness of the garden, under the whispering of the trees, and the splash of the fountain. Zinaida ceased. Is that a made-up story? Malevsky inquired slyly. Zinaida did not even look at him. And what should we have done, gentlemen? Lucien began suddenly, if we had been among the guests, and had known of the lucky fellow at the fountain. Stop a minute, stop a minute, interposed Zinaida. I will tell you myself what each of you would have done. You, Pjelovsorov, would have challenged him to a duel. You, Meydanov, would have written an epigram on him. No, though you can't write epigrams, you would have made up a long poem on him in the style of Barbier, and would have inserted your production in the telegraph. You, Nirmatsky, would have borrowed—no, you would have lent him money at high interest. You, Doctor, she stopped. There I really don't know what you would have done. In the capacity of court physician, answered Lucien, I would have advised the Queen not to give balls when she was not in the humour for entertaining her guests. Perhaps you would have been right.  You would offer him a poisoned sweet-meat. Malevsky's face changed slightly, and assumed for an instant a Jewish expression, but he laughed directly. And as for you, Voldemar, Zinaida went on. But that's enough, though. Let us play another game. Sir Voldemar, as the Queen's page, would have held up her train when she ran into the garden. Malevsky remarked malignantly. I was crimson with anger, but Zinaida hurriedly laid a hand on my shoulder, and getting up said in a rather shaky voice, I have never given your excellency the right to be rude, and therefore I will ask you to leave us. She pointed to the door. Upon my word, Princess, muttered Malevsky, and he turned quite pale. The Princess is right, cried Bielov Zorov, and he too rose. Good God! I had not the least idea. Malevsky went on. In my words there was nothing I think that could. I had no notion of offending you. Forgive me." Zinaida looked him up and down coldly, and coldly smiled. Stay, then, certainly. She pronounced with a careless gesture of her arm. Mr. Voldemar and I were needlessly incensed. It is your pleasure to sting. May it do you good. Forgive me," Malevsky repeated once more, while I, my thoughts dwelling on Zinaida's gesture, said to myself again that no real queen could, with greater dignity, have shown a presumptuous subject to the door. The game of forfeits went on for a short time after this little scene. Everyone felt rather ill at ease, as from another not quite definite but oppressive feeling. No one spoke of it, but everyone was conscious of it in himself and in his neighbour. Ray Danoff read us his verses. He wants to show how good he is now. Lucian whispered to me. We soon broke up. A mood of reverie seemed to have come upon Zinaida. The old princess sent word that she had a headache. Nermatsky began to complain of his rheumatism. I could not for a long while get to sleep. I had been impressed by Zinaida's story. When there had been a hint in it, I asked myself, and at whom and at what was she hinting? And if there really is anything to hint at, how is one to make up one's mind? No, no it can't be," I whispered, turning over from one hot cheek onto the other. But I remembered the expression of Zinaida's face during her story. I remembered the exclamation that had broken from Lucian in the Nyskuchny Gardens, the sudden change in her behaviour to me, and I was lost in conjectures. Who is he? These three words seemed to stand before my eyes, traced upon the darkness. A lowering, malignant cloud seemed hanging over me, and I felt its oppressiveness, and waited for it to break. I had grown used to many things of late. I had learned much from what I had seen at the Zasyakins, their disorderly ways, tallow candle-ends, broken knives and forks, grumpy vonifati, and shabby maid-servants, the manners of the old princess. All their strange mode of life no longer struck me. But what I was dimly discerning now in Zinaida I could never get used to.  This word stabbed me, I tried to get away from it into my pillow. I was indignant, and at the same time what would I not have agreed to? What would I not have given only to be that lucky fellow at the fountain? My blood was on fire and boiling within me. The garden, the fountain, I am used. I will go into the garden. I dressed quickly and slipped out of the house. The night was dark, the trees scarcely whispered. A soft chill air breathed down from the sky. A smell of fennel trailed across from the kitchen garden. I went through all the walks. The light sound of my own footsteps at once confused and emboldened me. I stood still, waited and heard my heart beating fast and loudly. At last I went up to the fence and leaned against the thin bar. Suddenly, or was it my fancy, a woman's figure flashed by a few paces from me. I strained my eyes eagerly into the darkness. I held my breath. What was that? Did I hear steps, or was it my heart beating again? Who is here? I faltered, hardly audibly. What was that again? A smothered laugh, or a rustling in the leaves, or a sigh just at my ear? I felt afraid. Who is here? I repeated, still more softly. The air blew in a gust for an instant. A streak of fire flashed across the sky. It was a star falling. Sinaida! I wanted to call, but the word died away on my lips. And all at once everything became profoundly still around, as is often the case in the middle of the night. When the grasshoppers ceased their chur in the trees, only a window rattled somewhere. I stood and stood, and then went back to my room, to my chilled bed. I felt a strange sensation, as though I had gone to a trift, and had been left lonely, and had passed close by another's happiness. Chapter 17 The following day I only had a passing glimpse of Sinaida. She was driving somewhere with the old princess in a cab. But I saw Lushin, who however barely vouchsafed me a greeting, and Malevsky. The young count grinned, and began affably talking to me. Of all those who visited at the lodge, he alone had succeeded in forcing his way into our house, and had favourably impressed my mother. My father did not take to him, and treated him with a civility almost insulting. Ah, Monsieur Loupage, began Malevsky, delighted to meet you. What is your lovely queen doing? His fresh, handsome face was so detestable to me at that moment, and he looked at me with such contempt to us amusement, that I did not answer him at all. Are you still angry? he went on. You've no reason to be. It wasn't I who called you a page, you know, and pages attend queens especially. But allow me to remark that you perform your duties very badly. How so? Pages ought to be inseparable from their mistresses. Pages ought to know everything they do. They ought indeed to watch over them. He added, lowering his voice, day and night. What do you mean? What do I mean? I express myself pretty clearly, I fancy. Day and night. By day it's not so much matter, it's light, people are about in the daytime, but by night then look out for misfortune. I advise you not to sleep at night, and to watch.  You remember, in the garden, by night, at the fountain, that's where there's need to look out. You will thank me. Mileski laughed and turned his back on me. He most likely attached no great importance to what he had said to me. But he had a reputation for mystifying, and was noted for his power of taking people in at masquerades, which was greatly augmented by the almost unconscious fall-city in which his whole nature was steeped. He only wanted to tease me. But every word he uttered was a poison that ran through my veins. The blood rushed to my head. Ah, so that's it, I said to myself. Good! So there was reason for me to feel drawn into the garden. That shan't be so. I cried aloud, and struck myself on the chest with my fist. Though precisely what should not be so, I could not have said. Whether Mileski himself goes into the garden, I thought. He was bragging perhaps. He has insolence enough for that, or someone else. The fence of our garden was very low, and there was no difficulty in getting over it. Anyway, if any one falls into my hands, it will be the worse for him. I don't advise any one to meet me. I will prove to all the world, and to her, the traetress. I actually used the word traetress, that I can be revenged. I returned to my own room, took out of the writing-table an English knife I had recently bought, felt its sharp edge, and knitting my brows with an air of cold and concentrated determination thrust it into my pocket, as though doing such deeds was nothing out of the way for me, and not the first time. My heart heaved angrily, and felt heavy as a stone. All day long I kept a scowling brow and lips tightly compressed, and was continually walking up and down, clutching with my hand in my pocket the knife, which was warm from my grasp, while I prepared myself beforehand for something terrible. These new, unknown sensations so occupied, and even delighted me, that I hardly thought of Zinaida herself. I was continually haunted by Aleco, the young gypsy. Where art thou going, young, handsome man? Lie there! And then thou art all besprint with blood. Oh, what hast thou done? Nought! With a cruel smile I repeated that, Nought! My father was not at home, but my mother, who had for some time been in an almost continual state of dumb exasperation, noticed my gloomy and heroic aspect, and said to me at supper, Why are you sulking like a mouse in a meal-tub? I merely smiled condescendingly in reply, and thought, If only they knew! It struck eleven. I went to my room, but did not undress. I waited for midnight, at last it struck. The time has come, I muttered between my teeth, and buttoning myself up to the throat, and even pulling my sleeves up, I went into the garden. I had already fixed on the spot from which to keep watch. At the end of the garden, at the point where the fence, separating our domain from the Zasiakins, joined the common wall, grew a pine-tree standing alone. Standing under its low, thick branches, I could see well, as far as the darkness of the night permitted, what took place around. Close by ran a winding path which had always seemed mysterious to me. It coiled like a snake under the fence, which at that point bore traces of having been climbed over, and led to a round arbor formed of thick Ocasias. I made my way to the pine-tree, leaned my back against its trunk, and began my watch. The night was as still as the night before, but there were fewer clouds in the sky, and the outlines of bushes, even of tall flowers, could be more distinctly seen. The first moments of expectation were oppressive, almost terrible. I had made up my mind to everything. I only debated how to act, whether to thunder, where goest thou stand, show thyself, or death, or simply to strike. Every sound, every whisper and rustle seemed to me portentous and extraordinary. I prepared myself. I bent forward. But half an hour passed, an hour passed. My blood had grown quieter, colder. The consciousness as I was doing all this for nothing, that I was even a little absurd, that Malevsky had been making fun of me, began to steal over me. I left my ambush, and walked all about the garden, as if to taunt me there was not the smallest sound to be heard anywhere. Everything was at rest. Even our dog was asleep, curled up into a ball at the gate. I climbed up into the ruins of the greenhouse, saw the open country far away before me, recalled my meeting with Zinaida, and felt a dreaming. I started. I fancied I heard the creak of a door opening, then the faint crack of a broken twig. In two bounds I got down from the ruin, and stood still, all aghast. Rapid light but cautious footsteps sounded distinctly in the garden. They were approaching me. Here he is. Here he is at last, flashed through my heart. With spasmodic haste I pulled the knife out of my pocket. With spasmodic haste I opened it. Flashes of red were whirling before my eyes. My hair stood up on my head in my fear and fury. The steps were coming straight towards me. I bent. I craned forward to meet him. A man came into view. My God! It was my father. I recognised him at once, though he was all muffled up in a dark cloak, and his hat was pulled down over his face. On tiptoe he walked by. He did not notice me, though nothing concealed me. But I was so huddled up and shrunk together that I fancy I was almost on the level of the ground. The jealous Othello ready for murder was suddenly transformed into a schoolboy. I was so taken aback by my father's unexpected appearance that for the first moment I did not notice where he had come from or in what direction he disappeared. I only drew myself up and thought, why is it that my father is walking about in the garden at night when everything was still again? In my horror I had dropped my knife in the grass, but I did not even attempt to look for it. I was very much ashamed of myself. I was completely sobered at once. On my way to the house, however, I went up to my seat under the elder tree and looked up at Zinaida's window. The small, slightly convex panes of the window shone dimly blue in the faint light thrown on them by the night sky. All at once their colour began to change. Behind them I saw this, saw it distinctly. Softly and cautiously a white blind was let down, let down right to the window frame, and so stayed. What is that for? I said aloud almost involuntarily when I found myself once more in my room. A dream, a chance, or— The suppositions which suddenly rushed into my head were so new and strange that I did not dare to entertain them. CHAPTER 18 I got up in the morning with a headache. My emotion of the previous day had vanished. It was replaced by a dreary sense of blankness and a sort of sadness I had not known till then, as though something had died in me. Why is it you're looking like a rabbit with half its brain removed? said Lucien on meeting me. At lunch I stole a look first at my father, then at my mother. He was composed as usual. She was as usual secretly irritated. I waited to see whether my father would make some friendly remarks to me as he sometimes did. But he did not even bestow his every day cold greeting upon me. Shall I tell Zinaida all? I wondered. It's all the same, anyway. All is as an end between us. I went to see her, but told her nothing, and indeed I could not even have managed to get a talk with her if I had wanted to. The old princess's son, a cadet of twelve years old, had come from Petersburg for his holidays. Zinaida at once handed her brother over to me. Here, she said, my dear Volodya, it was the first time she had used this pet name to me. He's a companion for you. His name is Volodya, too. Please like him. He is still shy, but he has a good heart. Show him neskuchny gardens, go walks with him. Take him under your protection. You'll do that, won't you? You're so good, too. She laid both her hands affectionately on my shoulders, and I was utterly bewildered. The presence of this boy transformed me, too, into a boy. I looked in silence at the cadet, who stared as silently at me. Zinaida laughed and pushed us towards each other. Embrace each other, children. We embraced each other. Would you like me to show you the garden, I inquired of the cadet? If you please," he replied, in the regular cadet's hoarse voice, Zinaida laughed again. I had time to notice that she had never had such an exquisite colour in her face before. I set off with the cadet. There was an old-fashioned swing in our garden. I sat him down on the narrow plank seat, and began swinging him. He sat rigid in his new little uniform of stout cloth, with its broad gold braiding, and kept tight hold of the cords. You'd better unbutton your collar, I said to him. It's all right, we're used to it," he said, and cleared his throat. He was like his sister. The eyes especially recalled her. I liked being nice to him, and at the same time an aching sadness was gnawing at my heart. Now I certainly am a child, I thought, but yesterday I remembered where I had dropped my knife the night before and looked for it. The cadet asked me for it, picked a thick stalk of wild parsley, cut a pipe out of it, and began whistling. Othello whistled too. And in the evening how he wept, this Othello, in Zinaida's arms, when seeking him out in a corner of the garden, she asked him why he was so depressed. My tears flowed with such violence that she was frightened. What is wrong with you? What is it for Lodia? She repeated, and seeing I made no answer, and did not cease weeping, she was about to kiss my wet cheek. But I turned away from her, and whispered through my sobs, I know all. Why did you play with me? What need had you of my love? I am to blame, Volodia, said Zinaida. I am very much to blame," she added, wringing her hands. How much there is bad and black and sinful in me! But I am not playing with you now. I love you. You don't even suspect why and how. But what is it you know? What could I say to her? She stood facing me and looked at me, and I belonged to her altogether from head to foot directly she looked at me. A quarter of an hour later I was running races with the cadet and Zinaida. I was not crying. I was laughing, though my swollen eyelids dropped a tear or two as I laughed. I had Zinaida's ribbon round my neck for a cravat, and I shouted with delight whenever I succeeded in catching her round the waist. She did just as she liked with me. CHAPTER 19 I should begin a great difficulty if I were forced to describe exactly what passed within me in the course of the week after my unsuccessful midnight expedition. It was a strange feverish time, a sort of chaos, in which the most violently opposed feelings, thoughts, suspicions, hopes, joys and sufferings whirled together in a kind of hurricane. I was afraid to look into myself. If a boy of sixteen ever can look into himself, I was afraid to take stock of anything. I simply hastened to live through every day till evening, and at night I slept. The light-heartedness of childhood came to my aid. I did not want to know whether I was loved, and I did not want to acknowledge to myself that I was not loved. My father I avoided, but Zinaida I could not avoid.  It was enough that it was sweet to burn and melt. I gave myself up to all my passing sensations, and cheated myself, turning away from memories and shutting my eyes to what I forboded before me. This weakness would not most likely have lasted long in any case. A thunderbolt cut it all short in a moment, and flung me into a new track altogether. Coming in one day to dinner from a rather long walk, I learnt with amazement that I was to dine alone, that my father had gone away, and my mother was unwell, did not want any dinner, and had shut herself up in her bedroom. From the faces of the footmen I surmised that something extraordinary had taken place. I did not dare to cross-examine them, but I had a friend in the young waiter, Philippe, who was passionately fond of poetry and a performer on the guitar. I addressed myself to him. From him I learnt that a terrible scene had taken place between my father and mother, and every word had been overheard in the maid's room. Much of it had been in French, but Marsha, the lady's maid, had lived five years with a dressmaker from Paris, and she understood it all. That my mother had reproached my father with infidelity, with an intimacy with the young lady next door. That my father at first had defended himself, but afterwards had lost his temper, and he too had said something cruel, reflecting on her age which had made my mother cry. That my mother too had alluded to some loan which it seemed had been made to the old princess, and had spoken very ill of her and of the young lady too, and that then my father had threatened her. And all the mischief, continued Philippe, came from an anonymous letter, and who wrote it no one knows, or else there'd have been no reason whatever for the matter to have come out at all. But was there really any ground I brought out with difficulty, while my hands and feet went cold, and a sort of shudder ran through my inmost being? Philippe winked meaningly. There was—there's no hiding those things. For all that your father was careful this time, but there you see he'd for instance used to hire a carriage or something, no getting on without servants either. I dismissed Philippe, and fell on to my bed. I did not sob, I did not give myself up to despair. I did not ask myself when and how this had happened. I did not wonder how it was I had not guessed it before, long ago. I did not even up-braid my father. What I had learnt was more than I could take in. This sudden revelation stunned me. All was at an end. All the fair blossoms of my heart were roughly plucked at once, and lay about me, flung on the ground, and trampled underfoot. CHAPTER XX My mother next day announced her intention of returning to the town. In the morning my father had gone into her bedroom, and stayed there a long while alone with her. No one had overheard what he said to her, but my mother wept no more. She regained her composure, and asked for food, but did not make her appearance nor change her plans. I remember I wandered about the whole day, but did not go into the garden. I never once glanced at the lodge, and in the evening I was the spectator of an amazing occurrence. My father conducted Count Malefsky by the arm through the dining-room into the hall, and in the presence of a footman said icily to him, A few days ago your Excellency was shown the door in our house, and now I am not going to enter into any kind of explanation with you, but I have the honour to announce to you that if you ever visit me again I shall throw you out of window. I don't like your handwriting. The Count bowed, bit his lips, shrank away, and vanished. Preparations were beginning for our removal to town, to Arbatis Street, where we had a house. My father himself probably no longer cared to remain at the country-house, but clearly he had succeeded in persuading my mother not to make a public scandal. Everything was done quietly, without hurry. My mother even sent her compliments to the old princess, and expressed her regret that she was prevented by indisposition from seeing her again before her departure. I wandered about like one possessed, and only longed for one thing, for it all to be over as soon as possible. One thought I could not get out of my head, how could she, a young girl, and a princess too, after all, bring herself to such a step, knowing that my father was not a free man, and having an opportunity of marrying, for instance, Bielov Zorov? What did she hope for? How was it she was not afraid of ruining her whole future? Yes, I thought, this is love, this is passion, this is devotion, and Lucien's words came back to me, to sacrifice oneself for some people is sweet. I chanced somehow to catch sight of something white in one of the windows of the lodge. Can it be Zinaida's face, I thought? Yes, it really was her face. I could not restrain myself. I could not part from her without saying a last good-bye to her. I seized a favourable instant, and went into the lodge. In the drawing-room the old princess met me with her usual slovenly and careless greetings.  She observed thrusting snuff into her nose. I looked at her, and a load was taken off my heart. The word loan, dropped by Philippe, had been torturing me. She had no suspicion, at least I thought so then. Zinaida came in from the next room, pale and dressed in black, with her hair hanging loose. She took me by the hand without a word, and drew me away with her. I heard your voice, she began, and came out at once. Is it so easy for you to leave us, bad boy? I have come to say good-bye to you, princess. I answered, probably, for ever. You have heard, perhaps, we are going away. Zinaida looked intently at me. Yes, I have heard. Thanks for coming. I was beginning to think I should not see you again. Don't remember evil against me. I have sometimes tormented you, but all the same I am not what you imagine me. She turned away, and leaned against the window. Really, I am not like that. I know you have a bad opinion of me. I? Yes, you. You! I, I repeated mournfully, and my heart throbbed as of old under the influence of her overpowering indescribable fascination. I, believe me, Zinaida Alexandrovna, whatever you did, however you tormented me, I should love and adore you to the end of my days. She turned with a rapid motion to me, and, flinging wide, her arms embraced my head, and gave me a warm and passionate kiss. God knows whom that long farewell kiss was seeking, but I eagerly tasted its sweetness. I knew that it would never be repeated. Good-bye! Good-bye! I kept saying. She tore herself away and went out. And I went away. I cannot describe the emotion with which I went away. I should not wish it ever to come again. But I should think myself unfortunate had I never experienced such an emotion. We went back to town. I did not quickly shake off the past. I did not quickly get to work. My wound slowly began to heal. But I had no ill feeling against my father. On the contrary, he had, as it were, gained in my eyes. Let psychologists explain the contradiction as best they can. One day I was walking along a boulevard, and to my indescribable delight I came across Lucien. I liked him for his straightforward and unaffected character, and besides he was dear to me for the sake of the memories he aroused in me. I rushed up to him. Ah! he said, knitting his brows, so it's you, young man! Let me have a look at you.   That's good. Well, what are you doing, working? I gave a sigh. I did not like to tell a lie, while I was ashamed to tell the truth. Well, never mind," Lucien went on,--"don't be shy. The great thing is to lead a normal life, and not be the slave of your passions. What do you get, if not, wherever you are carried by the tide? It's all a bad look-out, a man must stand on his own feet, if he can get nothing but a rock to stand on. Here I've got a cough. And Bielov Zorov, have you heard anything of him? No. What what is it? He's lost, and no news of him. They say he's gone away to the Caucasus. A lesson to you, young man, and it's all from not knowing how to part in time, to break out of the net. You seem to have got off very well. Mind you don't fall into the same snare again. Goodbye." I shan't," I thought. I shan't see her again. But I was destined to see Zinaida once more. After twenty-one. My father used every day to ride out on horseback. He had a splendid English mare, a chestnut pie-balled, with a long slender neck and long legs, an inexhaustible and vicious beast. Her name was Electric. No one could ride her except my father. One day he came up to me in a good humour, a frame of mind in which I had not seen him for a long while. He was getting ready for his ride, and had already put on his spurs. I began in treating him to take me with him. "'With much better have a game of leap-frog,' my father replied, "'you'll never keep up with me on your cob.' "'Yes, I will. I'll put on spurs, too.' "'All right, come along, then.' We set off.  It is true it had to gallop its utmost when Electric went at full trot. Still, I was not left behind. I have never seen any one ride like my father. He had such a fine, carelessly easy seat, that it seemed that the horse under him was conscious of it and proud of its rider. We rode through all the boulevards, reached the maiden's field, jumped several fences. At first I had been afraid to take a leap, but my father had a contempt for cowards, and I soon ceased to feel fear. Twice crossed the River Muscava, and I was under the impression that we were on our way home, especially as my father, of his own accord, observed that my horse was tired, when suddenly he turned off away from me at the Crimean Ford, and galloped along the river-bank. I rode after him. When he had reached a high stack of old timber, he slid quickly off Electric, told me to dismount, and giving me his horse's bridle, told me to wait for him there at the timber-stack, and turning off into a small street, disappeared. I began walking up and down the river-bank, leading the horses, and scolding Electric, who kept pulling, shaking her head, snorting and naing as she went. And when I stood still, never failed to pour the ground, and whining, bite my cob on the neck. In fact she conducted herself altogether like a spoiled thoroughbred. My father did not come back. A disagreeable damp mist rose from the river.  I was terribly bored, and still my father did not come.  He observed, What are you doing here with the horses, young master? Let me hold them. I made him no reply. He asked me for tobacco. To get rid of him, I was in a fret of impatience, too. I took a few steps in the direction in which my father had disappeared, then walked along the little street to the end, turned the corner, and stood still. In the street forty paces from me, at the open window of a little wooden house, stood my father, his back turned to me. He was leaning forward over the windowsill, and in the house, half hidden by a curtain, sat a woman in a dark dress talking to my father. This woman was Zinaida. I was petrified. This I confess I had never expected. My first impulse was to run away. My father will look round, I thought, and I am lost. But a strange feeling, a feeling stronger than curiosity, stronger than jealousy, stronger even than fear, held me there. I began to watch. I strained my ears to listen. It seemed as though my father were insisting on something. Zinaida would not consent. I seemed to see her face now, mournful, serious, lovely, and with an inexpressible impress of devotion, grief, love, and a sort of despair. I can find no other word for it. She uttered monosyllables, not raising her eyes, simply smiling, submissively, but without yielding. By that smile alone I should have known my Zinaida of old days. My father shrugged his shoulders and straightened his hat on his head, which was always a sign of impatience with him. Then I caught the words, vous devez vous séparer de cette. Zinaida sat up and stretched out her arm. Suddenly before my very eyes the impossible happened. My father suddenly lifted the whip, with which he had been switching the dust off his coat, and I heard a sharp blow on that arm, bare to the elbow. I could scarcely restrain myself from crying out, while Zinaida shuddered, looked without a word at my father, and slowly raising her arm to her lips, kissed the streak of red upon it. My father flung away the whip, and running quickly up the steps, dashed into the house. Zinaida turned round, and with outstretched arms and downcast head, she too moved away from the window. My heart, sinking with panic, with a sort of awestruck horror, I rushed back, and running down the lane, almost letting go my hold of electric, went back to the bank of the river. I could not think clearly of anything. I knew that my cold and reserved father was sometimes seized by fits of fury, and all the same I could never comprehend what I had just seen. But I felt at the time that, however long I lived, I could never forget the gesture, the glance, the smile of Zinaida. At her image, this image so suddenly presented to me, was imprinted for ever on my memory. I stared vacantly at the river, and never noticed that my tears were streaming. She is beaten, I was thinking. Beaten. Beaten. Hello! What are you doing? Give me the mare. I heard my father's voice saying behind me. Mechanically I gave him the bridle. He leapt onto electric. The mare, chill withstanding, reared on her haunches, and leapt ten feet away. But my father soon subdued her. He drove the spurs into her side, and gave her a blow on the neck with his fist. Ah! I've no whip, he muttered. I remembered the swish and fall of the whip, heard so short a time before, and shuddered. Where did you put it? I asked my father after a brief pause. My father made no answer, and galloped on ahead. I overtook him. I felt that I must see his face. Were you bored, waiting for me? He muttered through his teeth. A little. Where did you drop your whip? I asked again. My father glanced quickly at me. I didn't drop it, he replied. I threw it away. He sank into thought, and dropped his head. And then for the first, and almost for the last time, I saw how much tenderness and pity his stern features were capable of expressing. He galloped on again, and this time I could not overtake him. I got home a quarter of an hour after him. It's love, I said to myself again, as I sat at night before my writing-table, on which books and papers had begun to make their appearance. That's passion, to think of not revolting, of bearing a blow from any one whatever, even the dearest hand. But it seems one can if one loves, while I, I imagined. I had grown much older during the last month, and my love with all its transports and sufferings struck me myself as something small and childish and pitiful beside this other unimagined something, which I could hardly fully grasp, and which frightened me like an unknown, beautiful but menacing face, which one strives in vain to make out clearly in the half-darkness. A strange and fearful dream came to me that same night. I dreamed I went into a low-dark room. My father was standing with a whip in his hand, stamping with anger. In the corner crouched Zinaida. And not on her arm, but on her forehead, was a stripe of red, while behind them both towered Bielas Vorov covered with blood. He opened his white lips, and wrathfully threatened my father. Two months later I entered the university, and within six months my father died of a stroke in Petersburg, where he had just moved with my mother and me. A few days before his death he received a letter from Moscow which threw him into a violent agitation. He went to my mother to beg some favour of her. And I was told he positively shed tears—he, my father!—on the very morning of the day when he was stricken down he had begun a letter to me in French. My son, he wrote to me, fear the love of woman, fear that bliss, that poison! After his death my mother sent a considerable sum of money to Moscow. CHAPTER XXII Four years passed. I had just left the university, and did not know exactly what to do with myself, at what door to knock. I was hanging about for a time with nothing to do. One fine evening I met May Darnoff at the theatre. He had got married, and had entered the civil service. But I found no change in him. He fell into ecstasies in just the same superfluous way, and just as suddenly grew depressed again. You know, he told me, among other things, Madame Dalsky is here. What Madame Dalsky? Can you have forgotten her? The young Princess Zaziekin whom we were all in love with, and you too. Do you remember at the country house near Niskutschny Gardens? She married a Dalsky. Yes. And is she here in the theatre? No, but she's in Petersburg. She came here a few days ago. She's going abroad. What sort of fellow is her husband, I asked? The splendid fellow with property. He's a colleague of mine in Moscow. You can well understand, after the scandal. You must know all about it. May Darnoff smiled significantly. It was no easy task for her to make a good marriage. There were consequences, but with her cleverness everything is possible. Go and see her. She'll be delighted to see you. She's prettier than ever. May Darnoff gave me Zinaida's address. She was staying at the Hotel Demut. Old memories were a stir within me. I determined next day to go to see my former flame. But some business happened to turn up, a week past, and then another. And when at last I went to the Hotel Demut and asked for Madame Dalsky, I learnt that four days before she had died almost suddenly in childbirth. I felt a sort of stab at my heart. The thought that I might have seen her, and had not seen her, and should never see her. That bitter thought stung me with all the force of overwhelming reproach. She is dead, I repeated, staring stupidly at the Hall Porter. I slowly made my way back to the street, and walked on without knowing myself where I was going. All the past swam up and rose at once before me. So this was the solution. This was the goal to which that young, ardent, brilliant life had striven, all hastened agitation. I mused on this. I fancied those dear features, those eyes, those curls, in the narrow box, in the damp underground darkness, lying here not far from me, while I was still alive, and maybe a few paces from my father. I thought all this. I strained my imagination, and yet all the while the lines from lips indifferent of her death I heard, indifferently I listened to it, too, where echoing in my heart. O youth, youth, little dust thou care for anything, thou art master as it were of all the treasures of the universe. Even sorrow gives the pleasure, even grief thou canst turn to thy profit, thou art self-confident and insolent, thou sayest, I alone am living, look you. But thy days fly by all the while, and vanish without trace or reckoning, and everything in thee vanishes like wax in the sun, like snow. And perhaps the whole secret of thy charm lies not in being able to do anything, but in being able to think thou wilt do anything, lies just in thy throwing to the winds, forces which thou couldst not make other use of, in each of us gravely regarding himself as a prodigal, gravely supposing that he is justified in saying, O what might I not have done if I had not wasted my time? I know what did I hope for, what did I expect, what rich future did I foresee when the phantom of my first love rising up for an instant barely called forth one sigh, one mournful sentiment, and what has come to pass of all I hoped for, and now when the shades of evening begin to steal over my life, what have I left fresher, more precious than the memories of the storm so soon over, of early morning, of spring? But I do myself injustice, even then in those light-hearted young days I was not deaf to the voice of sorrow when it called upon me, to the solemn strains floating to me from beyond the tomb. I remember a few days after I heard of Zinaida's death, I was present through a peculiar, irresistible impulse at the death of a poor old woman who lived in the same house as we. Covered with rags, lying on hard boards with a sack under her head, she died hardly and painfully. Her whole life had been passed in the bitter struggle with daily want. She had known no joy, had not tasted the honey of happiness. One would have thought surely she would rejoice at death at her deliverance, her rest. But yet as long as her decrepit body held out, as long as her breast still heaved in agony under the icy hand weighing upon it, until her last forces left her, the old woman crossed herself and kept whispering, Lord, forgive my sins, and only with the last spark of consciousness vanished from her eyes the look of fear, of horror of the end. And I remember that then, by the deathbed of that poor old woman, I felt aghast for Zinaida and longed to pray for her, for my father, and for myself.