Section 1 of an English Woman's Love Letters It need hardly be said that the woman by whom these letters were written had no thought that they would be read by any one but the person to whom they were addressed. But a request conveyed under circumstances which the writer herself would have regarded as all-commanding urges that they should now be given to the world. And, so far as it is possible, with due regard to the claims of privacy, what is here printed presents the letters as they were first written in their complete form and sequence. Very little has been omitted which in any way bears upon the devotion of which they were a record. A few names of persons and localities have been changed, and several short notes, not above twenty in all, together with some passages bearing too intimately upon events which might be recognized, have been left out without indication of their omission. It was a necessary condition to the present publication that the authorship of these letters should remain unstated. Those who know will keep silence. Those who do not will not find here any data likely to guide them to the truth. The story which darkens these pages cannot be more fully indicated while the feelings of some who are still living have to be consulted. Nor will the reader find the root of the tragedy explained in the letters themselves. But one thing at least may be said, as regards the principal actors, that to the memory of neither of them does any blame belong. They were equally the victims of circumstances which came whole out of the hands of fate and remained so far as one of the two was concerned, a mystery to the day of her death. LETTER 1 Beloved, this is your first letter from me, yet it is not the first I have written to you. There are letters lying to you at Love's dead-letter office in the same writing. So many my memory has lost count of them. This is my confession. I told you I had to make one and you laughed. You did not know how serious it was, for to be in love with you long before you were in love with me, nothing can be more serious than that. You deny that I was, yet I know when you first really loved me. All at once, one day, something about me came upon you as a surprise. And how, except on the road to love, can there be surprises? And in the surprise came love. You did not know me before. Before then it was only the other nine entanglements which take hold of the male heart and occupy it till the tenth is ready to make one knot of them all. In the letter written that day I said, You love me. I could never have said it before, though I had written twelve letters to my love for you. I had not once been able to write of your love for me. Was not that serious? Now I have confessed. I thought to discover myself all blushes, but my face is cool. You have kissed all my blushes away. Can I ever be ashamed in your eyes now, or grow rosy because of anything you or I think? So, you have robbed me of one of my charms. I am brazen. Can you love me still? You love me. You love me. You are wonderful. We are both wonderful, you and I. Well it is good for you to know that I have waited and wished, long before the thing came true. But to see you waiting and wishing, when the thing was true all the time. Oh, that was the trial. How not suddenly to throw my arms around you and cry? Look, see! Oh, blind mouth! Why are you famished? Did you never knew? Dearest, I love you for it. You never knew. I believe a man when he finds he has won, thinks he has taken the city by assault. It is not guess, how to the insiders, it has been a weary siege, with flags of surrender fluttering themselves to rags from every wall and window. No, in love it is the women who are the strategists, and they have at last to fall into the ambush they know of with a good grace. You must let me praise myself a little for the past, since I can never praise myself again. You must do that for me now. There is not a battle left for me to win. You, and peace, hold me so much a prisoner, have so caught me from my own way of living, that I seem to hear a pin drop twenty years ahead of me. It seems an event. Dearest, a thousand times, I would not have it be otherwise. I am only too willing to drop out of existence altogether, and find myself in your arms instead.  Ha! my dear, I am yours so utterly, so gladly. Will you ever find it out? You, who took so long to discover anything. Letter, too. Dearest, your name woke me this morning. I found my lips piping their song before I was well back into my body out of dreams. I wonder if the rogues babble when my spirit is nesting. Last night you were a high tree and I was in it, the wind blowing us both. But I forget the rest. Whatever.  There are dreams that go out like candlelight. Directly one opens the shutters. They illumine the walls no longer. The daylight is too strong for them. So now I can hardly remember anything of my dreams. Daylight, with you in it, floods them out. Oh! how are you? Awake? Up? Have you breakfasted? I ask you a thousand things. You are thinking of me. I know. But what are you thinking? I am devoured by curiosity about myself. None at all about you, whom I have all by heart.  It is you who make me think so much about myself, trying to find myself out. I used to be most self-possessed and regarded it as the crowning virtue, and now your possession of me sweeps it away, and I stand crying to be led into a secret that is no longer mine. Shall I ever know why you love me? It is my religious difficulty, but it never arises into a doubt. You do love me, I know. Why, I don't think I can ever know. You ask me the same question about yourself, and it becomes absurd, because I altogether belong to you. If I hold my breath for a moment wickedly, for I can't do it breathing, and try to look at the world with you out of it, I seem to have fallen over a precipice, or rather the solid earth has slipped from under my feet, and I am off into a vacuum.  Oh, happy star, this that I was born under, that moved with me and winked quiet prophecies at me all through my childhood. I not knowing what it meant, the dear radiant thing naming to me my lover. As a child now and then, and for no reason, I used to be sublimely happy. Real wings took hold of me. Sometimes a field became fairyland as I walked through it, or a tree poured out ascent that its blossoms never had before or after. I think now that those must have been moments when you too were in like contact with earth. Had your feet in grass which felt a faint ripple of wind, or stood under lilac in a drench of fragrance that had grown double after rain. When I asked you about the places of your youth, I had some fear of finding that we might once have met, and that I had not remembered it as the summing up of my happiness in being young. Far off I see something undiscovered waiting us, something I could not have guessed at before, the happiness of being old. Will it not be something like the evening before last when we were sitting together, your hand in mine, and one by one as the twilight drew about us, the stars came and took up their stations overhead? They seemed to me then to be following out of some quiet train of thought in the universal mind. The heavens were remembering the stars back into their places. The ancient of days drawing upon the infinite treasures of memory in his great lifetime. Will not love's old age be the same to us both? A starry place of memories?  How shortly you are able to say everything. Tomorrow you will come. What more do I want except tomorrow itself, with more promises of the same thing? You are at my heart, dearest. Nothing in the world can be nearer to me than you. Dearest and rightly beloved, you cannot tell how your gift has pleased me, or rather you can, for it shows you have a long memory back to our first meeting, though at the time I was the one who thought most of it. It is quite true you have the most beautifully shaped memory in Christendom. These are the very books in the very edition I have long wanted, and have been too humble to afford myself. And now I cannot stop to read one for the joy of looking at them all in a row. I will kiss you for all of them, and for more besides. Indeed it is the besides which brings you my kisses at all. Now that you have chosen so perfectly to my mind, I may proffer a request which before I was shy of making. It seems now beneficently anticipated. It is that you will not ever let your gifts take the form of jewellery, not after the ring which you are bringing me. That, you know, I both welcome and wish for. But as to the rest the world has supplied me with a feeling against jewellery as a love symbol. Look abroad, and you will see it is too possessive, too much like chains of office. The fair one is to wear her radiant harness before the world, that other women may be envious, and the desire of her master's eye be satisfied. Ah, no! I am yours, dear, utterly, and nothing you give me would have that sense. I know you too well to think it. But in the face of the present fashion, and to flout it, which expects the lover to give in this sort, and the beloved to show herself a dazzling captive, let me cherish my ritual of opposition which would have no meaning if we were in a world of our own, and no place in my thoughts, dearest, as it has not now, so far as you are concerned. But I am conscious I shall be looked at as you're chosen, and I would choose my own way of how to look back, most proudly. And so, for the books, more thanks and more, that they are what I would most wish, and not anything else, which, had they been, they would still have given me pleasure, since from you they could come only with a good meaning, and, diamonds even, I could have put up with them.  Yours is here waiting. I have it on my finger very loose, with another, standing sentry over it, to keep it from running away.  To startle him back into hiding would have only deferred my getting truly rid of him, so I was most tiptoe and diplomatic in my doings. Finally a paper bag put into a likely nook, with some sentimentally preserved wedding-cake crumbled into it, crackled to me of his arrival. In a brave moment I noosed the little beast, bag and all, and lowered him from the window by a string, till the shrubs took me from the burden of responsibility.  Poor morsels, I prefer them so much undomesticated. Now this mousse is no allegory, and the paper bag is not a diamond necklace, in spite of the wedding-cake sprinkled over it. So don't say that this letter is too hard for your understanding, or you will frighten me from telling you anything foolish again. Brains are like jewels in this. Difference of surface has nothing to do with the size and value of them.  The trap which caught me was baited with one great pearl, so the mousse comes in with a meaning tied to its tail after all. LETTER IV In all the world, dearest, what is more unequal than love between a man and a woman? I have been spending an amorous morning and wanting to share it with you. But lo, the task of bringing that bit of my life into your vision is altogether beyond me. What have I been doing? Dear man, I have been dressmaking. And dress, when one is in the toils, is but a love-letter, writ large. You will see and admire the finished thing, but you will take no interest in the composition. Therefore I say your love is unequal to mine. You think how ravished I would be if you brought me a coat and told me it was all your own making. One day you had thrown down a mere tailor-made thing in the hall, and yet I kissed it as I went by. And that was at a time when you were only at the handshaking stage. The palsied beginnings of love. You, I mean. But oh, to get you interested in the dress I was making to you away. The beautiful flowing opening. Not too flowing. The elaborate central composition, where the heart of me has to come, and the wind-up of the skirt, a long reluctant trailing off, full of commas and colons of ribbon, to make it seem longer, and insertions everywhere. I dreamed of myself in it, retiring through the door after having bidden you good night, and you watching the long disappearing eloquence of that tale, still saying to you as it vanished, Good-bye, good-bye. I love you so, see me, how slowly I am going. Well that is a bit of my dress-making, a very corporate part of my affection for you, and you are not a bit interested, for I have shown you none of the seamy side. It is that which interests you male creatures. Zollites, every one of you. And what have you to show similar of the thought of me entering into all your masculine pursuits? Do you go out rabbit-shooting for the love of me? If so, I trust you make a miss of it every time. That you are a sportsman is one of the very hardest things in life that I have to bear. Last night Peter Kins came up with me to guard against any further intrusions of mice. I put her to sleep on the couch, but she discarded the red shawl I had prepared for her at the bottom and lay at the top most uncomfortably in a parcel of millinery into which, from one end I had already made excavations, so that it formed a large bag. Into the further end of this bag, Turks crept and snuggled down, but every time she turned in the night, and it seemed very often, the brown paper crackled and woke me up. So at last I took it up and shook out its contents, and Pippins slept soundly on red flannel till Nannan brought the tea. You will notice that in this small narrative Peter Kins gets three names. It is a fashion that runs through the household, beginning with the mother aunt, who on some days speaks of Nannans as the old lady, and sometimes as that girl. All according to the two tempers she has about Nannans' privileged position in recurred to me. You were only here yesterday, and already I want you again so much, so much. You are never satisfied, but always loving. Section 2 of an English woman's love letters. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. And English Women's Love Letters by Anonymous. Section 2, Letters 5 through 9. Most beloved, I have been thinking, staring at this blank piece of paper, and wondering how there am I ever to say what I have in me here, not wishing to say anything at all, just to be. I feel that I am living now only because you love me, and that my life will have run out, like this penful of ink, when that use in me is passed. Not yet, beloved, oh, not yet. Nothing is finished that we have to do and be. Hardly begun. I will not call even this Midsummer, however much it seems so. It is still only spring. Every day your love binds me more deeply than I knew the day before, so that no day is the same now, but each one a little happier than the last. My own, you are my very own. And yet, true as that is, it is not so true that I am your own. It is less absolute, I mean. And must be so, because I cannot very well take possession of anything when I am given over heart and soul out of my own possession. There isn't enough identity left in me. I am yours so much, so much. All this is useless to say, yet what can I say else if I have to begin saying anything? Could I truly be your star in Goddess, as you call me, beloved? I would do you the service of Thetis, at least, who did it for a greater than herself.  Bairus fold his hundred arms, to guard you from your single fate. But I haven't got power over an eight-armed octopus even, so am merely a very helpless, loving non-entity, which merges itself most happily in you, and begs to be lifted to no pedestal at all, at all. If you love me in a manner that is at all possible, you will see that Goddess does not suit me. Star, I would, I were now. With a wide eye to carry my looks to you over this horizon which keeps you invisible. Choose one, if you will, dearest, and call it mine, and to me it shall be yours, so that when we are apart and the stars come out, our eyes may meet up at the same point in the heavens, and be keeping company for us among the celestial bodies with their permission, for I have too lively a sense of their beauty not to be a little superstitious about them. Have you not felt for yourself a sort of physiognomy in the constellations? Most of them seeming benevolent and full of kind regards, but not at all. I am always glad when the great Bair goes away from my window. Find Beast, though he is, he seems to growl at me. No doubt it is largely a question of names. And what's in a name? In yours, beloved, when I speak it, more than I can compass.  And it has, bless you abundantly, you have undone and got round all I said about jewellery. Though this is nothing of the sort, but a shrine, so my word remains, I have it with me now, safe hidden, only now and then it comes out to have a look at me, smiles and goes back again. Dearest, you must feel how I thank you, for I cannot say it. Body and soul I grow too much blessed with all that you have given me, both visibly and invisibly, and always perfectly. And as for the day I have been thinking you the most uncurious of men, because you had not asked, and supposed it was too early days yet, for you to remember that I had ever been born. Today is my birthday, you said nothing, so I said nothing, and yet this has come. I trusted my star to show its sweet influences in its own way. Or after all, did you know, and had you asked anyone but me? Yet had you known, you would have wished me the happy returns which among all your dear words to me you do not. So I take it, that the motion comes straight to you from heaven, and in the event you will pardon me for having been still secretive and shy in not telling what you did not inquire after. Yours I knew, dear, quite long ago, so had no need to ask you for it, and it is six months before you will be in the same year with me again, and give to twenty-two all the companionable sweetness that twenty-one has been having. Any happy returns of my birthday to you, dearest? That is all that my birthdays are for. Have you been happy to-day, I wonder, and am wondering also whether this evening we shall see you walking quietly in and making everything into perfection that has been trembling just on the verge of it all day long. One drawback of my feast is that I have to write short to you, for there are other correspondents who on this occasion look for quick answers, and not all of them to be answered in an offhand way, except you, it is the coasiest whom I keep waiting. But elders have a way with them, even kind ones, and when they can't ascend to write upon an anniversary we have to skip to attention, or be in their bad books at once. So with the sun still a long way out of bed I have to tuck up these sheets for you, as if the good of the day had already been sufficient unto itself, and its full tale had been told. Good night! it is so hard to take my hands off writing to you, and worry on at the same exercise in another direction.   Good night! Good afternoon sounds too funny. It is outside our vocabulary altogether. While I live I must love you more than I know. LETTER VII My friend, do you think this a cold way of beginning? I do not. Is it not the true send-off of love? I do not know how men fall in love, but I could not have had that come down in your direction without being your friend first. Oh, my dear, and after, it is but a limitless friendship I have grown into. I have heard men run down the friendships of women as having little true substance.  I praise my own sex, dearest, for I know some of their loneliness, which you do not, and until a certain date their friendship was the deepest thing in life I had met with. However must it not be true that a woman becomes more absorbed in friendship than a man, since friendship may have to mean so much more to her, and cover so far more of her life than it does to the average man? However big a man's capacity for friendship, the beauty of it does not fill his whole horizon for the future. He still looks ahead of it for the mate who will complete his life, giving his body and soul the complement they require. Friendship alone does not satisfy him. He makes a bigger claim on life, regarding certain possessions as is right. But a woman, oh, it is a fashion to say the best women are sure to find husbands, and have, if they care for it, the certainty before them of a full life. I know it is not so. There are women, wonderful ones, who come to know quite early in life that no man will ever wish to make wives of them. For them then, love and friendship is all that remains, and the strongest wish of all that can pass through their souls with hope for its fulfillment is to be a friend to somebody.  It cools life to his lips. He is so confident that the headier nectar is his due. I came upon a little phrase the other day that touched me so deeply. It said so well what I have wanted to say since we have known each other. Some peasant rhymer, an Irishman, in singing his love's praises and sinks his voice from the height of his passionate superlatives to call her his share of the world. Peasant and Irishman he knew that his fortune did not embrace the universe. But for him his love was just that, his share of the world. Surely, when in any one's friendship we seem to have gained our share of the world, that is all that can be said. It means all that we can take in, the whole armful, the heart and senses are capable of, or that fate can bestow. And for how many that must be friendship, especially for how many women. My dear, you are my share of the world, also my share of heaven. But there I begin to speak of what I do not know, as is the way with happy humanity. All that my eyes could dream of waking or sleeping, all that my ears could be most glad to hear, all that my heart could beat faster to get hold of. Your friendship gave me suddenly as a bolt from the blue. My friend, my friend, my friend, if you could change or go out of my life now, the sun would drop out of my heavens. I should see the world with a great peace gashed out of its side. My share of it is gone. No, I should not see it. I don't think I should see anything ever again, not truly. Is it not strange how often to test our happiness we harp on sorrow? I do. Don't let it weary you. I know I have read somewhere that great love always entails pain. I have not found it yet, but for me it does mean fear. The sort of fear I had as a child, going into big buildings, I loved them, but I feared because of their bigness. They were likely to tumble on me. But when I begin to think you may be too big for me, I remember you as my friend, and the fear goes for a time, or becomes that sort of fear I would not part with if I might. I have no news for you, only the old things to tell you, the wonder of which remains new. How holy your face has become to me, as I saw at last, with something more than the usual proofs of love for me upon it.  I know the trouble. I feel it, dearest, in my own woman's way. Have patience. When I see you so, I feel that prayer is the only way, given me for saying what my love for you wishes to be. And yet I hardly ever pray in words. Dearest, be happy when you get this, and when you can, come and give my happiness its rest. Till then it is a watchman on the lookout. Night, night, your true sleepy one. LETTER VIII Now why I wanted to know, beloved, was I so specially good to you in my last? I have been quite as good to you fifty times before. If such a thing can be from me to you, what do you mean good for you? Then, dear, I must be sorry that the thing stands out so much as an exception. Oh, dearest, beloved, for a little I think I must not love you so much, or must not let you see it. When does your mother return, and when am I to see her, I long to so much? Is she still not written to you about our news? I woke last night to the sound of a great flock of sheep going past. I suppose they were going, by forced marches, to the fair over at Hilesbury. It was in the small hours, and a few of them lifted up their voices, and complained of this robbery of night and sleep in the night. They were so tired, so tired, they said, and so did the muffled wally patter of their poor feet. The lamb said most, and the sheep agreed with a husky croak. I said a prayer for them, and went to sleep again as the sound of the lambs died away. But somehow they stick in my heart, those sad sheep, driven along through the night. It was in its degree like the woman hurrying along who said, my God, my God, that summer, Sunday morning. These notes from lies that appear and disappear remain endlessly, and I do not think our hearts can have been made so sensitive to suffering we can do nothing to relieve without some good reason. So I tell you this, as I would any sorrow of my own, because it has become a part of me, and is underlying all that I think to-day. I am to expect you the day after to-morrow, but not for certain. Thus you give, and you take away, equally blessed in either case, all the same, I shall certainly expect you, and be disappointed if on Thursday, at about this hour, your way be not my way. How shall I my true love know, if he does not come often enough to see me? Sunshine, be on you all possible hours till we meet again. Letter 9 Beloved is the morning looking at you as it is looking at me. A little to the right of the sun there lies a small cloud, filmy and faint, but enough to cast a shadow somewhere. From this window, high up over the view, I cannot see where the shadow of it falls. Further than my eye can reach, perhaps just now, over you, since you lie further west. But I cannot be sure. We cannot be sure about the near things in this world, only about what is far off and fixed. You and I looking up see the same sun, if there are no clouds over us, but we may not be looking at the same clouds, even when both our hearts are in shadow. That is so, even when hearts are close together, as yours and mine. They respond to the same light, but each one has its own roof of shadow, wearing its roof with a world of difference. Why is it, why can no two of us have sorrows quite in common? What can be nearer together than our wills to be one? In joy we are, and yet, though I reach and reach, and sadden if you are sad, I cannot make your sorrow my own. I suppose sorrow is of the earth earthy, and all that is of earth makes division. Every joy that belongs to the body cast shadows somewhere. I wonder if there can enter into us a joy that has no shadow anywhere. The joy of having you has behind it the shadow of parting. Is there any way of loving that would make parting no sorrow at all? To me now the idea seems treason. I cling to my sorrow that you are not here. I send up my cloud as a twer to catch the sun's brightness. It is a kite that I pull with my heartstrings. To the sun of love the clouds that cover absence must look like white flowers in the green fields of earth, or like doves hovering, and he reaches down and strokes them with his warm beams, making all their feathers like gold. Some clouds let the gold come through, mine now. That cloud I saw away to the right is coming this way toward me. I can see the shadow of it now, moving along a far-off strip of road, and I wonder if it could be your cloud with you under it coming to see me again. When you come, why am I happier than when I know you are coming? It is the same thing in love. I have you now, all in my mind's eye. I have you by heart. Have I my arms a bit more around you, then, than now? Now it puzzles me that, when love is perfect, there should be disappearances and reappearances, and faces, now and then showing a change. You actually the last time you came, looking a day older than the day before. What was it? Had old age blown you a kiss, or given you a wrinkle in the art of dying? Or had you turned over some new leaf, and found it withered on the other side? I could not see how it was. I heard you coming. It was spring. The door opened. Oh, it was up-tum-null. One day had fallen away like a leaf out of my forest, and I had not been there to see it go. At what hour of the twenty-four does a day shed itself out of our lives? Not, I think, on the stroke of the clock at midnight, or at cock-crow. Some people perhaps would say, with the first sleep, and that the beauty-sleep is the new day putting out its green wings. I think it must not be until something happens to make the new day a stronger impression than the last. So it would please me to think that you're yesterday dropped off as you opened the door, and that had I peeped and seen you coming up the stairs I should have seen you looking a day younger. That means that you age at the sight of me. I think you do. I, I feel a hundred on the road to a mortality. Directly your face dawns on me. There's a foot gone over my grave. The angel of the resurrection, with his mouth, pursed fast to his trumpet. Nothing else than the gallop a gallop of your horse. It sounds like a kettle-boiling over. So this goes into hiding, listens to us all the while we talk, and comes out afterwards with all its blushes stale. To be rouged up again and sent off the moment your back is turned. No better to be slipped into your pocket and carried home to yourself by yourself. How, when you get to your destination and find it, you will curse yourself that you were not a speedier postman. End of Section 2. Section 3 of an English Woman's Love Letters. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. An English Woman's Love Letters by Anonymous. Section 3, Letters 10 through 14. Letter 10. Dearest, did you find your letter? The quicker I post, the quicker I need to sit down and write again. The grass under love's feet never stops growing. I must make hay of it while the sun shines.  My dear, you, without a metaphor in your composition, do that to me. So it is not for you to complain. Your curses simply fly back to roost. Where do you pigeonhole them, in a pie? I mean to write now until I have made you as giddy as a dancing dervish. Your letters are much more like blackbirds, and I have a pie of them here, twenty-four at least, and when I open it, they say, Choo-wee, Choo-wee, Choo-wee, in the most sacred way. Your last but three said most solemnly, just as if you'd meant it, I hope you don't keep these miserables, though I fill up my hollow hours with them. There is no reason why they should fill up yours. You added that I was better occupied, and here I am better occupied, even as you bid me. But one can jump best from a springboard, and how could I jump as far as your arms by letter, if I had not yours to jump from? So you see, they are kept, and my disobedience of you has begun, and I find disobedience wonderfully sweet. But then you gave me a law which you knew I should disobey. That is the way the world began. It is not for nothing that I am a daughter of Eve. And here is our worlds in our hand, yours and mine, now in the making. Which day are the evening and the morning now? I think it must be the birds, and already, with the wings disobedience has been reached. Make much of it. The day will come when I shall wish to obey. There are moments when I feel a wish taking hold of me stronger than I can understand, that you should command me beyond myself, to things I have not strength or courage for of my own accord. How close, dearest, when the day comes, my heart will feel its health to yours. It feels close now, but it is to your feet I am nearest as yet. Lift me. There, there, beloved, I kiss you with all my will. Oh, dear heart, forgive me for being no more than I am, your free hold to all eternity. Letter XI. Oh, dearest, I have danced, and I have danced till I am tired. I am drooping with sleep. But I must touch you and say good night. This was our great day of publishing, dearest. Powers, all the world knows it, and all admire your choice. I was determined that they should. I have been collecting scalps for you to hang at your girdle. All thought me beautiful. People who never did so before. I wanted to say to them, Am I not beautiful? I am, am I not? And it was not for myself I was asking this praise. Beloved, I was wearing the magic rose, which you gave me when we parted, you saying alas, that you were not to be there. But you were. These leaves have not dropped, nor the scent of it faded. I kiss you out of the heart of it. Good night, come to me in my first dream. Letter XII. Dearest, it has been such a funny day, from post-time onwards. Congratulations on the great event are beginning to arrive in envelopes and on wheels. Some are very kind and dear, and some are not so. Only the ordinary seamliness of polite snufflesnaffle. After you had gone yesterday Mrs. Blank called and was told the news. Of course she knew of you, but didn't think she had ever seen you. Probably he passed you at the gates, I said. What! she went off with a view hello. That well-dressed sort of young fellow in grey, and a mustache, and knowing how to ride? Met us in the lane. Well, my dear, I do congratulate you. And whether it was by the grey suit or the mustache, or the knowing how to ride, that her congratulations were so emphatically secured, I know not. Others are yet more quaint and more to my liking. Nanan is Nanan. I cannot let you off, which she said. No tears or sentiment came from her to prevent me from laughing. She brisked, like an old war horse, at the first word of it. And bless God, that it had come to be times, that she might be a nurse again in her old age. She is a true Mrs. Berry, and is ready to make a room for you in my affections for the sake of far-off divine events, which promised renewed youth to her old bones. Roberts, when he brought me my pony this morning, touched his hat quick twice, over to show that the news brimmed in his body, and a very nice cordial way of showing, I thought it. He was quite ready to talk when I let him go, and he gave me plenty of good fun. He used to know you when he was in service at the H's, and speaks of you as being then a gallous young hound, whatever that may mean. I imagine gallous to be a rustic Lewis Carroll compound, made up in equal parts of callousness and gallantry, which most boys are at some stage of their existence. What tales will you be getting of me out of Nan-Nan, some day behind my back, I wonder? There is one I shall forbid her to reveal. It shall be part of my marriage portion, to show you early that you have got a wife with a temper. Here is a whole letter that must end now, and the great word never mentioned. It is good for you to be put on meager fare for once. I hold my pen back with both hands. It wants so much to give you the forbidden treat. Ho! this serpent in the garden! See where it has underlined its meaning! Frailty thy pen! is a j-pen! Ajya! Ajya! Remember me! Letter 13 The letters? No, beloved, I could not, not yet. There you have caught me, where I own. I am still shy of you.  It may be a short time, but I will keep them, however long. Indeed, I must ever keep them. They talk to me of the dawn of my existence, the early light before our sun rose, when my love of you was growing, and had not yet reached its full. If I disappoint you, I will try to make up for it with something I wrote long before I ever saw you. Today I was turning over old things my mother had treasured for me of my childhood, of days spent with her, things of laughter, as well of of tears, such a dear selection, so quaint and sweet, with moods of her as I dimly remember her to have been, and among them was this absurdity written, and I suppose, placed in the mouth of my stocking, the Christmas I stayed with her in France. I remember the time as a great treat, but nothing of this. Neglos is Nicholas, you must understand, how he must have laughed over me asleep, while he read this. Je perdne, Gouss, si vous plaît, voulez-vous me donner plus de jeu, que des oranges de pommes et bonbons, parce que nous allons faire l'âbre de Noël, ce tenné, et le jeu ferai meilleur pour l'âbre de Noël. Il ne fait pas du appétit, maire, si vous plaît, parce que ne je veux pas qu'elle sache, si vous voulez venir s'asseir de Noël, pour que vous pouvez me donner ce que je vous demande. Dis bonjour à la Sainte Vége et l'enfant, Jésus, et c'est Jossif. Adieu, chère, Sydney Gouss. I haven't altered the spelling, I love it too well. Prophetic of a fault, I still carry about me. How strange that little bit of invocation to the dear folk above, sounds to me now.  It was one of the troubles between her and my father. The compact that I was to be brought up, a Catholic, was dissolved after they separated, and I am sorry, thinking it unjust to her, yet glad, content with being what I am. I must have been less than five when I penned this. I was always a letter-writer, it seems. It is a reproach now, from many, that I have ceased to be, and to them I fear it is true, that I have not truly ceased, witness under my hand these presents, or whatever may be the proper legal term for an affidavit. What were you like, beloved, as a very small child? Should I have loved you from the beginning, had we toddled to the Ray Conte? And would my love have passed safely through the gallus young hound? Period. And could I love you more now, in any case, had I all your days treasured up in my heart, instead of less than a year of them? How strangely! Must have seven miles kept our fates apart. It seems uncharacteristic for this small world, where meetings come about so far above the dreams of average, to have played us such a prank. This must do for this once, beloved, for behold me, busy to-day. With what, I shall not tell you. I would like to put you to a test, as ladies did, their nights of old, and hardly ever do now, fearing, I suppose, lest the species should altogether fail them in a pinch. I would like to see, if you could come here and sit with me from the beginning to end, with your eyes shut, never once opening them. I am not saying whether I think curiosity or affection would make the attempt too difficult. But, if you were sure you could, you might come here to-morrow, a day otherwise interdicted. Only know, having come, that if you open those dear cupboards of vision, and set eyes on things not yet intended to be looked at, there will be confusion of tongues in this tower we are building, whose top is to reach heaven. Will you come? I don't say come. I only want to know. Will you? Today my love flies low over the earth like a swallow before rain, and touching the tops of the flowers has called you these. Kiss them until they open.  LETTER XIV Own, tear-ist, come! I did not think that you would, or mean that you should seriously, for it is not a poor way of love to make the object of it cut an absurd or partly absurd figure. I wrote only as a woman, having a secret on the tip of her tongue, and the tips of her fingers, and full of a longing to say it and send it. Here it is at last. Love me for it. I have worked so hard to get it done. And you do not know why, and what for? Beloved, it, this, is the anniversary of the day we first met, and you have forgotten it already, or never remembered it, and yet have been clamouring for the letters. On the first anniversary of her marriage, if you remember it, you shall have those same letters, and not otherwise. So there they lie, safe till doomsday. The M.A. has been very gracious and clear after her little outbreak of yesterday. Her repentances, after I have hurt her feelings, are so gentle and sweet. They always fill me with compunction. Finding that I would go on with the thing I was doing, she volunteered to come and read to me, a requiem over the bone of contention which we had nodged between us. Was that not pretty and charitable? She read Tennyson's life for a solid hour, and continued it to-day. Isn't it funny that she should take up such a book? She, who can't abide Tennyson, or Browning, or Shakespeare, only likes Byron, I suppose, because it was the right and fashionable liking when she was young. Yet she is plotting through the life religiously, only skipping the verses. I have come across two little specimens of death and child in it. His son, Lionel, was carried out in a blanket one night, in the great comet-year, and, waking up under the stars, asked, Am I dead? Number two is of a little girl at Wellington's funeral, who saw his charger carrying his boots, and asked, Shall I be like that after I die? A queer old lady came to lunch to-day, a great traveller, though lame on two crutches. We carefully hid all guide-books and maps, and held her peace about next month, lest she should insist on coming too. Though I think Nineveh was the place she was most anxious to go to, if the MA would consent to accompany her. Good-bye, dearest of one-year-old acquaintances. You, too, send your blessing on the anniversary, now that my better memory has reminded you of it. All that follow we will bless in company. I trust you are one-half as happy as I am, my own, my own. Number four. Letter fifteen, through eighteen. Letter fifteen.  It is true I did. She is a person very much in the grand pagan style. I admire it, but I cannot flow in that sort of company, and I think she meant to crush me. You were very wise to leave her to come alone. I like her. I mean I believe that under that terribleness she has a heart of gold, which once opened would never shut. But she has not opened it to me. I believe she could have a great charity that no evil doing would dismay her. Staunch sums her up. But I have done nothing wrong enough yet to bring me into her good graces. Loving her son, even though I fear a great offence, has done me no good turn. Perhaps that is her inconsistency. Women are sure to be inconsistent somewhere. It is their birthright. I began to study her at once, to find you. It did not take long. How could I love her if she would let me? You know her far, far better than I, and want no advice. Otherwise I should say, never praise me to her. Quote my follies rather. To give ground for her distaste, to revel in, will not deepen me in her bad books so much as attempts to warp her judgment. I need not go through it all. She will have told you all, that is, to the purpose, about our meeting. She bristled in, a brave old fighting figure, announcing compulsion in every line, but with all her colors flying. She waited for the door to close, then said, My son has bidden me to come. I suppose it is my duty. He is his own master now. We only shook hands. Our talk was very little of you. I showed her all the horses, the dogs and the poultry. She let the inspection appear to conclude with myself, asked me about my habits, and said I looked healthy. I owned, I felt it. Looks and feelings are the most deceptive things in the world, she told me, adding that poor stock got more than its share of these. And when she said it I saw quite plainly that she meant me. I wonder where she gets the notion, for we are all a long-lived race, both sides of the family. I guessed that she would like frankness, and was as frank as I could be, pretending no deference to her objections. You think you suit each other? She asked me. My answer? He suits me. Please, to her maternal palette, I think. Any girl might say that, she admitted. She might indeed. This is the part of our interview. She will not have repeated to you. I was due at Hillen when she was preparing to go. Aunt Anne came in, and I left her to do the honors, while I slipped on my habit. I rolled by your mother's carriage, as far as the Greenway, where we branched. I suppose that is what her phrase means, that you quote about me, making a trophy of her, and marching her a prisoner across the borders before all the world. I do like her, she is worth winning. Can one say warmer of a future mother-in-law, who stands hostile? All the same it was an ordeal. I believe I wept since, for Benji scratched my door often, yesterday evening, and looked most wistful when I came out. Merely paltry, self-love, dearest, I am so little accustomed to not being liked. I think she will be more gracious in her own house. I have her formal word, that I am to come. Soon, not too soon, I will come over, and you shall meet me, and take me to see her. There is something in her opposition, that I can't fathom. I wondered twice, was lunacy her notion? She looked at me so hard. My mother's seclusion, and living apart from us, was not on that account. I often saw her. She was very dear and sweet to me, and had quiet eyes, the very reverse of a person mentally deranged. My father I know, went to visit her when she lay dying, and I remember we all wore mourning. My uncle has told me that they had a deep regard for each other, but disagreed and were independent enough to choose living apart. I do not remember my father ever speaking of her to us as children, but I am sure there was no state of health to be concealed. Last night I was talking to Aunt Anne about her. A very dear woman, she told me. But your father was never so much alive to her worth as the rest of us. Of him, she said, a dear, fine fellow, but not all that easy to get on with. Him, of course, I have a continuous recollection of, and a fine fellow we did think him. My mother comes to me more rarely, at intervals. Don't talk me down your mother's throat, but tell her as much as she cares to know of this. I am very proud of my stock, which she thinks poor. Dear, how much I have written on things which can never concern us finally, and so should not ruffle us while they last. Hold me in your heart always, always, and the world may turn adamant to me for Aunt Icare. Be in my dreams, to-night. LETTER XVI But dearest, when I think of you, I never question whether what I think would be true or false in the eyes of others. All that concerns you seems to go on a different plain where evidence has no meaning or existence. Where nobody exists or means anything, but only we too alone, engaged in bringing about for ourselves the still greater solitude of two into one. Oh, beloved, what a company that will be. Take me in your arms, fasten me to your heart, breathe on me.   Yet most of all like kisses, my own dearest and best beloved. Oh, we too, how wonderful we seem, and to think that there have been lovers like us since the world began, and the world not able to tell us one little word of it. Not well, so as to be believed, or only along with a sadness where fate has broken up the heavens which lay over some pair of lovers. In Aani's cry, ah me, my mountain shepherd, tells us of the joy when it has vanished, and most of all, I get it in that song of wife and husband which ends. Not a word for you, not a lock or kiss. Goodbye, we one must part in two. Verily, death is this. I must die. It was a woman who wrote that, and we get love there. Is it only when joy is past that we can give it its full expression? Even now, David, I break down in trying to say how I love you. I cannot put all my joy into words, nor all my love into my lips, nor all my life into your arms, whatever way I try. Something remains that I cannot express. Believe, dearest, that the half has not yet been spoken. Neither of my love for you, nor of my trust in you, nor of a wish that seems sad, but comes in a very tumult of happiness, the wish to die, so that some unknown good may come to you out of me.  I love you now too much for your heart, not to carry me to its grave, though I should die now, and you live to be a hundred. I pray you may. I cannot choose a day for you to die. I am too grateful to life, which has given me to you, to say, if I were dying, come with me, dearest. So how the words tempt me as I write them. Come with me, dearest, yes. Come.  I think when we say goodbye than when meeting.  A thing in death to look forward to.   Think what it means, what you have made me, come through in the way of love, that this, which I could not have dreamed before, comes from me with the thought of you. You told me to be still, to let you worship. I was to write back acceptance of all your dear words. Are you never to be at my feet, you ask? Indeed, dearest, I do not know how, for I cannot move from where I am. Do you feel where my thoughts kiss you? You would be vexed with me if I wrote it down, so I do not.  Only now, all the giving comes from you. It is I who am enriched by your love beyond knowledge of my former self. Are you changed, dearest, by anything I have done? My heart goes to you like a tree in the wind, and all these thoughts are loose leaves that fly after you when I have to remain behind. Dear lover, what short visits yours seem? And the mother aunt tells me they are the most unconscionably long. You will not pay any attention to that, please. Forever let the heavens fall, rather than that a hint to such foul effect should grow operative through me. This brings you me so far as it can.  It is my last sheet. I should have to go down to the library to get more. Else I think I could not cease writing. More love than I can name, ever, dearest, your own. Dearest, do I not write you long letters? It reveals my weakness. I have thought it had been coming on me, and now and then had broken out of me before I met you. That, left myself, I should have become a writer of books. I scarcely can guess what sort, and gone contentedly into middle-age, with that instead of this as my raison d'être. How gladly I lay down that part of myself and say, but for you, I had been this quiet other person whom I have no wish to be now. Beloved, your heart is the shelf where I put my uncut volumes, wondering a little what sort of a writer I should have made, and chiefly wondering, would you have liked me in that character? There is one here in the family who considers me a writer of the darkest dye, and does not approve of it. Benchy comes and sits mournfully facing me, when I settle down on a sunny morning such as this, to write, and inquires, with all the dumbness a dog is capable of, what has come between us, that you fill up your time in mind with those cat's-cloth-scratchings, when you should be in your woodland dress running with me through the damp places. Having written this sentimental meaning into his eyes, and Benchy still watching me, I was seized with Ruth for my neglect of him, and took him to see his mother's grave, at the bottom of the long walk is our dog cemetery, no tombstones, but mounds, and a dog-groves, growing there and flourishes as nowhere else. It was my fanciest child to have it planted, and I declare to you, it is taken wonderfully to the notion, as if it knew that it had relations of a higher species under its keeping. Benchy too has a profound air of knowing, and never scratches for bones there, as he does in other places. What horror were I to find him digging up his mother's skeleton? Would my esteem for him survive? When we got there to-day, he deprecated my choice of locality, asking what I had brought him there for. I pointed to him the precise mound which covered the object of his earliest affections, and gathered you these buds. Are they not a deep colour for wild ones? If their blush remains a fixed state till the post brings them to you. Through what flower would you like best to be passed back, as regards your material atoms into the spiritualized side of nature, when we have done with ourselves in this life? No single flower quite covers all my wants and aspirations. You and I would put our heads together under ground, and evolve a new flower. Carnation, lily, lily rose, and send it up one fine morning for scientists to dispute over, and give diabolically learned names to. What an end to our cozy floral collaboration that would be! Here end is the epistle. The elect salutes you. This week, if the authorities permit, I shall be paying you a flying visit, with wings full of eyes, and I hope healing, for I believe you are seedy. And that, that is what is behind it. You notice I have not complained, dearest, how could I? My happiness reaches to the clouds. That is, to where things are not quite clear at present. I love you no more than I ought, yet far more than I can name. Good night, and good morning. You're star, since you call me so. Dearest, not having had a letter from you this morning, I have read over some back ones, and finding in one, abiding, which I have never fulfilled, to tell you what I do all day. Was that to avoid the too great length of my telling you what I think? Yet you get more of me this way than that. What I do is every day so much the same, while what I think is always different. However, since you want a woman of action, rather than a brain, here I start telling you. I wake punctual and hungry, at the sound of nan-nans, drawing the blinds. Wait till she is gone. The old darling potters and tattles. It is her most possessive moment of me, in the day, except when I sham headaches, and let her put me to bed. Then I have my hand under my pillow, and draw out your last, for a reading that has lost count, whether it is the twenty-second or fifty-second time. Discover new beauties in it, and run to the glass, to discover new beauties in myself. Find them. Penji comes up with the post, latest, and behold, my day has begun. Is that the sort of thing you want to know? My days are without an action worth naming. I only think, swelling thoughts, and write some of them. If ever I do anything worth telling. Be sure, I run a pen and ink race to tell you. No, it is man who does things. A woman only diddles, to adapt a word of diminutive sound for the occasion. Unless good, fortunate, independent things, she works for her own living, and that is not me. I feel sometimes as if a real bar were between me and a whole conception of life, because I have carpets and curtains and nan-nans and Benchy, and last of all you, shedding me out from the realities of existence. If you would all leave me just for one full moon, and come back to me only when I am starving for you all, for my tea to be brought to me in the morning, and all the paddings and cushionings which bolster me up from morning till night, with what sigh of wisdom I would drop back into your arms, and what let you draw the rose-colored curtains round me again? Now I am afraid lest I have become too happy. I am leaning so far at the window to welcome the dawn. I seem to be tempting a fall, heaven itself, to fall upon me. What do I truly know? Who only knows so much happiness? Dearest, if there is anything else in love, which I do not know, digit me quickly. I am utterly yours. If there is sorrow to give, give it me. Only let me have it with the consciousness of your love. Oh, my dear, I lose myself if I think of you so much. What would life have without you in it? The sun would drop from my heavens. I see only by you. You have kissed me on the eyes.  Had I started to invent paradise, I could not have invented you. But perhaps you have invented me. I am something new to myself since I saw you first. God bless you for it.  The gods themselves cannot recall their gifts. Also that I am yours is a gift of the gods I will trust, and so not to be recalled. Kiss me, dearest, here where I have written this. I am yours, beloved.  End of Section 4. Section 5 of an English Woman's Love Letters. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. An English Woman's Love Letters by Anonymous. Section 5. Letters 19-22. Letter 19. Dearest, dearest, how long has this happened? You don't tell me the day or the hour. Is it ever since you last wrote?  What heartless merry-makings may I not have sent you to worry you, when soothing was the one thing wanted? Well, I will not worry now, then, neither at not being told nor at not being allowed to come. But I will come thus and thus, O my dear heart, and take you in my arms, and you will be comforted, will you not be? When I tell you that even if you had no legs at all, I would love you just the same. Indeed, dearest, so much of you is a superfluity, just your heart against mine. And the sound of your voice would carry me up to more heavens than I could otherwise have dreamed of. I may say now, now that I know it was not your choice, would avoid these last few days the lack of letters has been to me. I wondered, truly, if you had found it well, to put off such visible signs for a while in order to appease one who, in other things more essential, sees you rebellious. But the wonder is over now, and I don't want you to write, not till a consultation of doctors orders it for the good of your health. I will be so happy talking to you, also I am sending you books, those I wish you to read, and which you now must, since you have the leisure. And I, for my part, will make time and read yours. Whose do you most want me to read, that my education in your likings may become complete? Would I send you will not deprive me of anything, for I have the beautiful complete set, your gift, and shall read side by side with you to realize an imagination with the happiness of reading them for the first time ought to be. Yesterday, by a most unsympathetic instinct, I went out for a long tramp on my two feet, and no ache in them came and told me of you. Over Singelford I sat on a bank and looked downhill where went a carter, and I looked uphill where lay something which might be nothing, or not his. Now shall I make a fool of myself by pursuing to tell him he may have dropped something, or shall I go on and see? So I went on and saw a coat with a fat pocket, and by then he was out of sight, and perhaps it wasn't his, and it was very hot, and the hill steep. So I minded my own business, making Canes model mine, and now feel so bad, being quite sure that it was his, and I wonder how many miles he will have tramped back looking for it, and whether his dinner was in the pocket. These unintentional misdoings are the sins one repents of all one's life long. I have others stored away, the bitterest of small things done, or undone in haste, and repented of at so much leisure afterwards, and always done to people or things I had no grudge against, sometimes even a love for. They are my skeletons, I will tell you of them some day. This dearest is our first enforced absence from each other, and I feel it almost more hard on me than on you. Beloved, let us lay our hearts together and get comforted. It is not real separation to know that another part of the world contains the rest of me. Oh, the rest of me, the rest of me that you are. So, thinking of you, I can never be tired. I rest yours.  And I remember once really herding clear mother aunt's feelings by trying to repay her for that teaching by a little iniquity's laughter at her expense. It was too funny for me to feel very contrite about, as I do sometimes over quite small things, or I would not be telling at you now. For there are things in me I would conceal even from you. I dare say you wouldn't guess it, but the M.A. is a most long person over her private devotions. Perhaps it was her own habit, with the cares of a household sometimes conflicting, which made her recite to me so often her pet legend of a saintly person who, constantly interrupted over her prayers by mundane matters, became a pattern in patience out of these snippings of her godly desires. So one day angels in the disguise of cross-people with selfish demands on her time came seeking to know where in her composition or composure exasperation began, and finding none they let her return in peace to her mizzle, where for a reward all the letters had been turned into gold. And that, my dear, comes of patience, my aunt would say, till I grew a little tired of the saying. I don't know what experiences my uncle had gathered of her patience under like circumstances, but I noticed that to this day he treads delicately, like Agag, when he knows her to be on her knees, and prefers then to send me on his errands instead of doing them himself. So it happened one day that he wanted a particular coat which had been put away in her clothes-closet, and she was on her knees between him and it, with the time of her, amen, quite indefinite. I was sent, said my errand briefly, and was permitted to fumble out her keys from her pocket while she continued to kneel over her mourning psalms. What I brought to him turned out to be the wrong coat. I went back and knocked for readmittance. Long sufferingly she bade me to come in. I explained, and still she repressed herself, only saying in a tone of affliction, do see this time that you take the right one. After I had made my second selection and proved it right on my uncle's person, the parallelism of things struck me, and I skipped back to my aunt's door and tapped. I got a low wailing, yes, for an answer, a monosyllabic substitute for the how long, O Lord, of a saint in difficulties. When I called through the keyhole, are your psalms written in gold? She became really angry. I suppose because the miracle, so well earned, had not come to pass. Well, dearest, if you have been patient with me over so much about nothing, I pray this letter may appear to you written in gold. Why I write so is, partly that, it is bad for us both to be down in the mouth, or with hearts down at heel. And so, since you cannot, I have to do the dancing.  And I hope some day, some day, as a reward to my present submission, that you will sprain your ankle in my company, just a very little bit for an excuse, and let me have the nursing of it. It hurts my heart to have your poor bones crying out for comfort that I am not to bring to them. I feel robbed of a part of my domestic training, and may never pick up what I have just lost. And I fear greatly you must have been truly in pain to have put off Meredith for a day.  You must take the will, beloved, for the deed. I kiss you now, as much as even you can demand, and when you get this I will be thinking of you all over again. When do I ever leave off? Love, love, love till our next meeting, and then more love still and more, ever your own. LETTER XXI Dearest, I am in a simple mood to-tay, and give you the benefit of it. I shall become complicated again presently, and you will hear from me directly that happens. The house only emptied itself this morning. I may say emptied, for the remainder fits like a saint into her niche, and is so far comfortable to count. This is C, whom you only once met, when she sat so much in the background that you will not remember her. She has one weakness, a thirst between males, the blameless thirst of a rabid tea-totaler. She hides cups of cold tea about the place as a dog its bones. Now and then one gets spilt or sat on, and when she hears of the accident she looks thirsty with a thirst which only that particular cup of tea could have quenched. In no other way is she any trouble. Indeed she is a great dear, and has the face of a Madonna, as beautiful as an apocryphal gospel to look at and make belief in. Arthur too, like the rest of them, when he came over to give me his brotherly blessing, wished to know what you were like. I didn't pretend to remember your outward appearance too well, told him you look like a common or garden Englishman, and roused to suspicions by so careless a championship of my choice. He accused me of being in reality highly sentimental about you, and with having at that moment your portrait concealed and strung around my neck in a locket. Mother Aunt stood up for me against him, declaring I was too sensible a girl for nonsense of that sort. It is a little weakness of hers, you know, to resent extremes of endearment toward any one but herself in those she has brooded, and she has thought us hitherto most restrained and proper, as indeed have we not been. Arthur and I exchanged tokens of truce. In a little while off went my aunt to bed, leaving us alone.  He objected that he could not see faces in a nutshell, and I suppose others cannot. Only I. He too is gone. If you have been coming he would have spared another day. For to-day was planned and dated you will remember, and we would have ridden half way to meet you. But as fate has tripped you, and made all comings on your part indefinite, he sends you his hopes for a later meeting.  I suppose, as it is ill, I may send it a kiss by post, and wish it well. I do. Truly, you are to let me know if it gives you much pain, and I will lie awake, thinking of you. This is not sentimental, for if one knows that a friend is occupied over one's sleeplessness one feels the comfort. I am perplexed, how else to give you my company? Your mother I know could not yet truly welcome me, and I wish to be as patient as possible, and not push for favours that are not offered. So I cannot come and ask to take you out in her carriage, nor come and carry you away in mine. We must try how fast we can hold hands at a chance. I have kept up to where you have been reading in Richard Feverall, though it has been a scramble, for I have less opportunity of reading, I with my feet, than you without yours. In your book I have just got to the smuggling away of a general monk in the perforated coffin, and my sense of history capitulates in an abandonment of laughter. I yield. The gall's invasion of Britain always becomes broad-farse when he attempts it. This in clever ludicrousness beats the unintentional comedy of Victor Hugo's, Jim John Jack, as a name typical of Anglo-Saxon Christenings. But Dumas, through a dozen absurdities, knows apparently how to stalk his quarry, so large a genius may play the fool and remain wise. You see I have given your author a warm welcome at last. And what about you and mine? Tell me you love his women, and I will not be jealous. Indeed, outside him I don't know where to find a written English woman of modern times whom I would care to meet, or could feel honestly bound to look up to. Nowhere will I have her shaking her ringlets at me in dickens or thackery. Scott is simply not modern, and hurdy's women, if they have nobility in them, get so cruelly broken on the wheel that you get but the wrecks of them at last. It is only his charming baggages who come to a good ending. I like an author who has the courage and self-restraint to leave his noble creations alive. Too many try to ennoble them by death. For my part, if I have to go out of life before you, I would gladly trust you to the hands of Clara or Rose or Janet, or most of all Victoria, though to be accurate. I fear they have all grown too old for you by now.  Would you give me to D'Artagnan, for instance? Hardly I suspect. But either choose me some proxy hero, or get well and come to me. You'll be very welcome when you do. Sleep is making sandy eyes at me. Good night, dearest. LETTER XXII Why, my beloved, since you put it to me as a point of conscience, it is only lying on your back, with one act of leg doing nothing, and the other dying to have done aching, which has made you take this new start of inquiring within upon everything. Since you call on me for a conscientious answer, I say that it stands to reason, that I love you more than you love me, because there is so much more of you to love, let alone fit for loving. Do you imagine that you are going to be a cripple for life, and therefore an indifferent dancer in the dances I shall always be leading you, that you have started this fit of self-deprecation? Or is it because I have thrown meridith at your sick head, that you doubt my tact and my affection, and my power patiently to bear for your sake a good deal of cold shoulder? Dearest remember, I am doctoring you from a distance, and am not yet allowed to come and see my patient, so can only judge from your letters how ill you are. That you have been concealing from me almost treacherously, and only by a piece of abject waylain did I receive word to-day of your sleepless nights, and so get the key to your symptoms. Lay by meridith then for a while, I am sending you a cargo of Stevenson instead. You have been truly unkind, trying to read what required effort, when you were fit for nothing of the sort. Unless even Stevenson should be too much for you, and wanting very much, and perhaps a little bit jealousy, to be your most successful nurse, I am letting my last large bit of shyness of you go, and with a pleasant sort of pain, because I know I have hit on a thing that will please you. I open my hands and let you have these, and with them goes my last blush. Henceforth I am a woman without a secret, and all your interest in me may evaporate, yet I know it will not. As for this resurrection pie, from Love's dead-letter office, you will find from it at least one thing. How much I depended upon response from you, before I could become at all articulate. It is you, dearest, from the beginning who have set my head and heart free, and made me a woman. I am something quite different from the sort of child I was less than a year ago, when I wrote that small prayer, which stands sponsor for all that follows. How abundantly it has been answered, dearest beloved, only I know, you do not. Now my prayer is not that you should come true, but that you should get well.  My happiness waits for that, as yet I seem to have done nothing. Oh, but beloved I will, from a reading of Fiority, I sign myself as I feel.  Section 6 of an English Woman's Love Letters. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. An English Woman's Love Letters by Anonymous. Section 6. The Casket Letters. A. My dear Prince Wonderful. Pray God bless. Blank. And make him come true, for my sake. Amen. R-S-V-P. Note. The manuscript contained, at first, no name, but a blank. Over it this has been written afterwards, in a small hand. B. Dear Prince Wonderful. Now that I have met you, I pray that you will be my friend. I want just a little of your friendship. But that so much, so much. And even for that little I do not know how to ask. Always to be your friend. Of that you shall be quite sure. C. Dear Prince Wonderful. Long ago when I was still a child, I told myself of you. But thought of you only as in a fairy tale. Now I am afraid of trusting my eyes or ears. For fear I should think too much of you before I know you really to be true. Do not make me wish so much to be your friend, unless you are also going to be true. Please come true now, for mine and all the world's sake. But for mine especially. Because I thought of you first. And if you are not able to come true, don't make me see you anymore. I shall always remember you, and be glad that I have seen you just once. D. Dear Prince Wonderful, has God blessed you yet and made you come true? I have not seen you again. So how am I to know? Not that it is necessary for me to know, even if you do come true. I believe already that you are true. If I were never to see you again, I should be glad to think of you as living, and shall always be your friend. I pray that you may come to know that. E. Dear Highness, I do not know what to write to you. I only know how much I wish to write. I have always written the things I thought about. It has always been easy to find words for them. Now I think about you, but have no words. No words, dear Highness, for you. I could write at once if I knew you are my friend. Come true for me. I will have so much to tell you then. F. Dear Highness, if I believe in fairy tales coming true, it is because I am superstitious. This is what I did today. I shut my eyes and took a book from the shelf, opened it, and put my fingers down on a page. This is what I came to." All I believed is true. I am able yet, all I want to get, by a method as strange as new. Dare I trust the same to you? Fate says then you are to be my friend. Fate has said I am to be. That is very certain. Only in real life, where things come true, would a book have opened as this has done. G. Dear Highness, I am sure now, then, that I please you. And that you like me, perhaps, only a little, for you turned out of your way to ride with me, though you were going somewhere so fast. How much do I wished it when I saw you coming? But dare not believe it would come true. Come true. It is the word I have always been writing, and everything has.  So true that now I will write it down at last. The truth for you, who have come so true. G. Dear Highness and Great Heart, I love you dearly, though you don't know it, quite ever so much. And I am going to love you ever so much more. Only, please like me a little better first.  Or, before I know, I may be ringing my hands all alone, on a desert island, to a bare blue horizon, with nothing in it real or fabulous. If I am to love you, nothing but happiness is to be allowed to come of it. So don't come too, too fast, without one little wee corresponding wish, for me to find that you are. I am quite happy thinking you out slowly. It takes me all day long. The longer, the better. G. I wonder how often in my life I shall write down that I love you. Having once written it, I do, I love you, there. It is for you, with more to follow after. And send you my love as I do now into the great emptiness of chance, hoping somehow, known or unknown, it may bless you and bring good to you. Oh! but tis a windy world, and I am mere feather in it. How can I get blown the way I would? Still I have a superstition that some star is over me, which I have not yet seen. But shall heaven helping me. And now good night, and no more, no more at all. I send out, and I love you, to be my celestial commercial traveller for me while I fold myself up and become its sleeping partner. Good night, you are the best and truest that I ever dreamed yet. H. Dear Highness, I begin not to be able to name you anything, for there is not a word for you that will do, Highness you are, but that leaves gaps and coldness without end. Royal, yet much more serene than royal, though by that I don't mean any detraction from your royalty, for I never saw a man carry his invisible crown with so a head and no haughtiness at all. And that is the finest royalty of look possible. I look at you and wonder so how you have grown to this, to have become king so quietly without any coronation ceremony. You have thought more than you should for happiness at your age. Making me, by that one line in your forehead, think you were three years older than you really are. I wish, if I wish you anything different, that you were. It makes me uncomfortable to remember that I am, what, almost half a year your elder as time flies? Not really, for your brain was born long before mine began to rattle in its shell.  When you told me about your two old pensioners, the blind man and his wife, whom I brought to so funny a reconciliation, I felt, myroir ic wutsa nigtwi, that I would like very much to go blindfold, led by you. It struck me suddenly how happy would be a blindfoldness of perfect trust such as one might have with your hands on one. I suppose that is what in religion is called faith. I haven't it there, my dear, but I have it in you now. I love you, beginning to understand why. At first I did not. I am ashamed not to have discovered it earlier. The matter with you is that you have goodness prevailing in you, an integrity of goodness, I mean, a different thing from there being aware-abouts for goodness in you, that we all have in some proportion or another. I was quite right to love you. I know it now. I did not when I first did. Yesterday I was turning over a silly confession-book in which a rose was everybody's favourite flower, manliness the finest quality for a man, and womanliness for a woman, which is as much as to say that a pig is the best quality for pork, and pork for pig, till I came upon one different from the others, and found myself saying, yes, all down the page. I turned over for the signature, and found my own mother's. Was it not a strange sweet meeting? She only then did the memory of her handwriting from far back come to me. She died, dear Highness, before I was seven years old. I love her as I do, my early memory of flowers, as something very sweet, hardly as a real person. I notice she loved best in men and women, what they lack most often, a man, a fair mind, and a woman courage, brave women, and fair men, she wrote. Byron might have turned in his grave at having his dissolute stiff neck so wrung for him by misquotation. And she, it must have been before the eighties had started the popular craze for him, chose Meredith, my own dear Meredith, for her favourite author, how her tastes would have run together had she lived. Well, I know you fair, and believe myself brave, constitutionally, so that I can't help it, and this, therefore, is not self-praise. But fairness in a man is a deadly hard requirement. I begin now to discover. You have it fixed fast in you. You, I think, began to do just things consciously, as the burden of manhood began in you. I love to think of you growing by degrees, till you could carry your head so, and no other way. So that, looking at you, I can promise myself you never did a mean thing, and never consciously, an unjust thing except to yourself. I can just fancy that fault in you. But whatever, I love you for it more and more, and am proud, knowing you and finding, that we are to become friends. For it is that, and no less than that now. I love you, and me you like, cordially, and that is enough. I need not look behind it, for already I have no way to repay you for the happiness this brings me. I. Oh! I think greatly of you, my dear. And it takes long thinking. Not merely such a quantity of thought, but such a quality makes so hard a day's work, by the end of it, I am quite drowsy. Bless me, dearest.  Just as without the asking, I too am yours. I wish it were more possible for us to give service to those we love. I am most glad because I see you so often. But I come and go in your life empty-handed, though I have so much to give away. Thoughts the best I have, I give you. I cannot empty my brain of them. Someday you shall think well of me. That is a vow, dear friend. You whom I love so much. J. I have not had to alter any thought ever formed about you, beloved. I have only had to deepen it. That's all. You grow, but you remain. I have heard people talk about you generally kindly, but what they think of you is often wrong. I do not say anything, but I am glad, and so sure that I know you better. If my mind is so clear about you, it shows that you are good for me. Now, for nearly three months, I may not see you again. But all that time you will be growing in my heart. And at the end, without another word from you, I shall find that I know you better than before. Is that strange? It is because I love you. Love is knowledge, blind knowledge, not wanting eyes. I only hope that I shall keep in your memory the kind place you have given me. You are almost my friend now, and I know it. You do not know that I love you. J. Beloved, you love me. I know it now, and bless the sun and the moon and the stars for the dear certainty of it. And I ask you now, O heart, that has opened to me. Have I once been unhappy or impatient while this good thing has been withheld from me? Indeed, my love for you has occupied me too completely. I have been so glad to find how much there is to learn in a good heart deeply unconscious of its own goodness. You have employed me as I wish I may be employed all the days of my life, and now my beloved employer has given me the wages I did not ask. You love me. Is it a question of little or much? Is it not rather an entire new thought of me that has entered your life as the thought of you entered mine months that seemed years ago? It was the seed then, and seemed small, but the whole life was there, and it has grown and grown, till now it is I who have become small and have hardly room in me for the roots, and it seems to have gone so far up over my head that I wonder if the stars know of my happiness. They must know of yours too, then, my beloved. They are no company for me without you. Today, today of all days, how in my heart I shall go on kissing it till I die. You love me. That is wonderful, you love me, and already it is not wonderful in the least, but belongs to Noah and the ark, and all the animals saved up for an earth washed clean and dried, and the new beginnings of time which have ever since been twisting and turning with us in safekeeping through all the history of the world. We came over at the Norman Conquest, my dear, as people say trailing their pedigree, but there was no ancestral pride about it. It was all for the love of the thing we did it. How clear it seems now. In the hall hangs a portrait in a big wig, but otherwise the image of my father of a man who floated the authority of James II merely because he was so like my father in character that he could do nothing else. I shall look for you now, in the bayou tapestries, with a prong from your helmet down the middle of your face, of which that line on your forehead is the remainder, and you love me. I wonder what the line has to do with that. By such little things do great things seem to come about. Not really. I know it was not because I said just what I did say, and did what I did yesterday, that your heart was bound to come for mine. But it was those small things that brought you consciousness, and when we parted I knew that I had all the world at my feet, or all heaven over my head.  All this time you are thinking of me, a certainty lying far outside what I can see. Beloved, if great happiness may be set to any words it is here. If silence goes better with it speak, silence for me, when I end now. Good night, and think rightly of me. I shall wake early. El. Dearest, was my heart at all my own? Was it my own to give till you came and made me aware of how much it contains? Truly, dear, it contained nothing before, since now it contains you and nothing else, so I have a brand new heart to give away, and you, you want it, and can't see that there it is, staring you in the face like a rose with all its petals ready to drop. I am quite sure that if I had not met you I could have loved nobody as I love you, yet it is very likely that I should have been loved sufficiently as the way if the world goes. It is not a romantic confession, but it is true to life. I do so generally like most of my fellow-creatures, and am not happy except where shoulders rub socially, that is to say, have not until now been happy, except dependently, on the company and smiles of others. Now, beloved, I have none of your company, and have but few of your smiles, I could count them all, yet I have become more happy filling up my solitude with the understanding of you which has made me wise than all the rest of fate or fortune could make me. Down comes Autumn's sad head, and finds me gay, and the Asters, which used to chill me at their appearing, have come out like crocuses this year because it is the beginning of a new world, and all the winter will carry more than a suspicion of summer with it, just as the longest days carry round light from northwest to northeast, because so near the horizon but out of sight lies their sun, so you, beloved, so near to me now at last, though out of sight. M. Beloved, whether I have sorry or glad things to think about, they are accompanied and changed by thoughts of you. You are my diary, all goes to you now. That you love me is the very light by which I see everything. Also I learn so much through having you in my thoughts. I cannot say how it is, for I have no more knowledge of life than I had before, yet I am wiser, I believe, knowing much more what lies at the root of things and what men have meant and felt in all they have done, because I love you, dearest. Also I am quicker in my apprehensions, and have more joy and more fear in me than I had before. And if this seems to be all about myself, it is all about you, really, beloved. Last week one of my dearest old friends, our rector, died. A character you, too, would have loved. He was a father to the whole village, rather stern of speech, and no respecter of persons, yet he made a very generous allowance for those who did not go through the church door to find their salvation. I often went, only because I loved him, and he knew it. I went for that reason alone last Sunday.  A thing utterly unchristian in its meaning, wild, pagan grief, desolate over lost beauty. Baldur the beautiful is dead, is dead, it cried. And I thought of you suddenly, you, who are not Baldur at all.  Yet in all great joy there is the Baldur element, and I feared lest something might slay it for me, and my life become a cry like Chopin's march over mown down, unripened grass, and youth slain in its high places. After service a sort of processional instinct drew people up to the house. They waited about till permission was given, and went in to look at their old man, lying in high state among his books. I did not go. Beloved, I have never yet seen death. You have, I know.  Are they more living, because you saw them once not living? I think death might open our eyes to those we lived on ill terms with, but not to the familiar and dear. I do not need you dead. To be certain that your heart has mined for its true inmate, and mine yours. I love you. I love you. So let good night bring you good morning. N. At long intervals, dearest, I write to you a secret, all about yourself, for my eyes to see, because, chiefly because, I have not you to look at. Thus I bless myself with you. Away over the world west of this, and a little bit north, is the city of Spires, where you are now.  When everywhere else you are so much wanted. I send my thoughts there to pick up crumbs for me. It is a strange blend of notions, wisdom, and thoughts combined. For you I seem to know perfectly, but of your life nothing at all. And nobody there knows so much about you as I. What you do matters so much less than what you are. You, who are the clearest heart in all the world, do what you will. You are so still to me, beloved. I take a happy armful of thoughts about you, into all my dreams, and when I wake they are there still, and have done nothing but remain true. What better can I ask of them? You do love me. You have not changed? Without change. I remain yours, so long as I live. Oh! And you, beloved, what are you thinking of me all this while? Think of me. I beg you. I deserve so much, loving you, as truly as I do. So often, dearest, I sit thinking my hands into years again, as when we were saying good-bye the last time. Then it was, under our laughter and light words, that I saw suddenly how the thing too great to name had become true, that from friends we were changed into lovers. It seemed the most natural thing to be, and yet was wonderful. For it was I who loved you first, a thing I could never be ashamed of, and am now proud to own. For has it not proved me wise? My love for you is the best wisdom that I have. Good night, dearest. Sleep as well as I love you, and nobody in the world will sleep so soundly. P. A few times in my life, beloved, I have had the blue moon hunger for something which seemed too impossible and too good ever to come true. Prozeic people call it being in the blues. I comfort myself with a prettier word for it. Today not the blue moon itself, but the man of it came down and ate plum porridge with me. Also I do believe that it burnt his mouth, and am quite reasonably happy thinking so, since it makes me know that you love me as much as ever. If I have doubts, dearest, they have been of myself, lest I might be unworthy of your friendship or love, suspicions of you I never had. Who wrote that suspicions among thoughts are like bats among birds, flying only by twilight? But even my doubts have been thoughts, beloved. Sure have you, if not always of myself. And if I have looked for you only with doubtful vision, yet I have always seen you as in a strong light as my eyes could bear. Blue moonlight. Beloved, is not twilight and blue moonlight has been the light I saw you by. It is you alone who can make sunlight of it. This I read yesterday has lain on my mind since is true and altogether beautiful, with the beauty of major, not of minor poetry, though it was a minor poet who wrote it. It is of a wood where Apollo has gone in quest of his beloved, and she is not yet to be found. Quote Here each branch swayed with a glitter all its crowded leaves, and brushed the soft divine hair touching them in ruffle clusters. Suddenly the moon smooths herself out of vapor drift and made the deep night full of pleasure in the eye of her sweet motion, not alone she came, leading the starlight with her like a song. And not a bud of all that undergrowth, but crisp, untinkled, ardent edge, as the light steeped it, over whose mass leaves the portals of illimitable sleep faded in heaven. Quote That is love in its moonrise, not in its sunrise stage, yet you see. Beloved how it takes possession of its dark world quite as fully as the brighter sunlight could do. And if I speak of doubts I mean no twilight and no suspicions, nor by darkness do I mean any unhappiness. My blue moon has come, leading the starlight with her like a song. Am I not happy enough to be patiently yours before you know it? Good things which are to be, before they happen, are already true. Nothing is so true as you are, except my love for you and yours for me. Good night, good night. Sleep well, beloved, and wake. Q Beloved, I heard somebody yesterday speak of you as charming, and I began wondering to myself, was that the word which could ever have covered my thoughts of you? I do not know whether you ever charmed me, except in the sense of charming, which means magic and spell-binding, that you did from the beginning, dearest. But I think I held you at first in too much awe to discover charm in you, and at last knew you too much to the depth, to name you by a word so lightly used for the surface of things. Yet now a charm in you, which is not all you, but just a part of you, comes to light, when I see you wondering whether you are really loved or whether beloved, I only like you rather well. Well, if you will be so charming I am helpless and can do nothing but pray for the blue moon to rise, and love you a little better, because you have some of that divine foolishness, which strikes the very wise ones of earth, and makes them kin to weaker mortals, who otherwise might miss their charm altogether. Truly, beloved, if I am happy, it is because I am also your most patiently loving. R Beloved, the certainty which I have now that you love me so fills all my thoughts I cannot understand you begin in any doubt on your side. What must I do, that I do not do, to show gladness when we meet and sorrow when we have to part? I am sure that I make no pretense or disguise, except that I do not stand and wring my hands before all the world and cry, don't go, which has sometimes been in my mind to be kept not said. Indeed, I think so much of you, my dear, that I believe some day, if you do your part, you will only have to look up from your books to find me standing. If you did, would you still be in doubt whether I loved you? Oh, if any apparition of me ever goes to you, all my thoughts will surely look truthfully out of its eyes, and even you will read what is there at last. Beloved, I kiss your blind eyes, and love them the better, for all their unreadiness to see that I am already their slave. Not a day now, but I think I may see you again. I am in a golden uncertainty, from hour to hour. I love you, you love me, a mist of blessing swims over my eyes as I write the words, till they become one, and the same thing. I can no longer divide their meaning in my mind. Amen, there is no need that I should. S. Beloved, I have not written to you for quite a long time. I could not. I have nothing now to say. I think I could very easily die of this great happiness. So certainly do you love me. Just a breath more of it, and I should be gone. Good-bye, dearest, and good-bye, and good-bye. If you want letters from me now, you must ask for them. That the earth contains us both, and that we love each other is about all that I have mind enough to take in. I do not think I can love you more than I do. You are no longer my dream, but my great waking thought. I am waiting for no blue moonrise now. My heart has not a wish which you do not fulfill. I owe you my whole life, and for any good to you must pay it out to the last farthing, and still feel myself your debtor. O Beloved, I am most poor and most rich when I think of your love. Good-night, I can never let thought of you go. Beloved, there are almost all of them, but not quite. A few here and there have cried to be taken out, saying they were still too shy to be looked at. I can't argue with them. They know their own minds past, and you know mine. See, what a dignified historic name I have given this—