So when I read a comment a couple days ago from someone saying, I can't wait until I see the video of you walking for the first time and I responded with oh gosh Thank you so much. I can't wait until that day either. I was picturing in my head honestly like months out I didn't think that video would be today. Hey everybody welcome back before we get to the footage that I cannot wait to show you And then I'm so excited for there's a bit of a story leading up to it So this video may be a little bit longer than my videos normally are and I ask you to bear with me If you want of course skip ahead I'm not gonna do the YouTube thing where I force you to listen to my whole story before you get to the you know Walking part so that's at the end of this video. Feel free to skip ahead But if you want to hear the story don't do that. I want to tell it to you So a few days ago I was walking in a smash burger and I smashed my leg I went into a greasy burger place that had very unwashed floors, which I was unaware of and went down Hard on my leg like my crutches just completely flew out from underneath me I had no hope of staying up and I landed on like directly on my stump Was in a ton of pain Got home quickly like I stood the rest of the day talked to the doctor. They said to keep it elevated keep it iced My prosthetics appointment is supposed to be on Monday. Don't know if that's gonna happen Again, I'll be like the fourth time we moved it out further when I fell It was two days out from my prosthetics appointment when I was supposed to get casted for my prosthetic and also stand up in it And maybe take a first step for the first time I thought there was no way this was going to happen and hurt way too much. It was swollen I was taking care of it by icing and elevating which was doctor's orders But I didn't think I was gonna be able to make it. They told me to come in any ways and so I thought Yeah Might as well. Good morning, everybody It is round two three of heading up to Denver to get my casting and Check socket done for my prosthetic. So I don't actually think this is gonna happen I think that I'm gonna get up there and they're probably gonna say hey We can't do anything, but I mean I get a drive for an hour and a half with my mom up there in back So I'll take it fingers crossed something actually happens today, and I see some progress So let's just take a quick moment To acknowledge how cute my mom is I got in the back seat Let us all know to elevate the leg with Christmas lights in the back and a bunch of pillow for mom You're the sweetest I got up there And I was shocked to hear that it was actually Not too swollen and they could do the casting for the prosthetic now It was still a lot of pain So if you see me like cringing a lot and looking unhappy in these videos It's I mean a because it was a bit of a challenging day But B because it hurt a lot, but it was totally worth it And then I had to leave for hours because I was told when you come back We're gonna have it ready to go and you'll be able to stand in it And you know maybe take a step or two for the first time and my Expected response and my actual response to hearing that I'd be standing and maybe walking for the first time That day in my prosthetic leg were polar opposite things I figured I would be like just Jazzed and super excited and like ready to call everybody I knew and just tell them like oh my god Today's the day as soon as I heard that news, but I did not feel that way I felt nothing like that got word that I would be able to you know stand and Maybe take my first couple steps today And you would think that I would be super excited and instead I like feel this crushing exhaustion and apprehension like so much fear That doesn't make any sense to me I'm not sure if it comes from feeling like if it's fear of just like the unknown and the next step or Or what but this should be something that is just I shouldn't use the word should should is the only like bad word in my Therapist's office because there is not a should when it comes to dealing with anything But I feel like a normal reaction to this news would be like Ecstasy and like oh my god. Let's go celebrate today. You know and like ah, this is great but I just feel like almost Angry and upset and sad And like I don't want to do this today How weird is that I'm gonna have to work on trying to figure out Where that's coming from because it's so weird to me and understand that while intellectually I was incredibly Grateful for this. I was thankful that this day was here all of that Emotionally I was exhausted emotionally. I was very unsure if this was gonna work I wasn't sure if the pain because of the fall was gonna be too much I was tired of having to feel like I had to be a certain way I think I felt the pressure of having to feel like I had to be excited and so I just was like Crashing I was just like feeling all of the emotions and so tired and so I Ate junk food if you watch the first prosthetics video You'll see that in that video. I went to a McDonald's and couldn't get ice cream We went to that same McDonald's. I could get ice cream. Thank God. Is there anything that? sugar and dairy and cookies can't fit personally think it's the best fuel for New and scary things because your body needs to burn calories So here's So filled with junk food I took a nap in the backseat and just waited for the appointment figured I'd get it over Just go home, you know Thankfully that is not how things actually went when I got there my husband came up to Denver and met me up there and as we actually sat down in the appointment I started getting kind of excited and as I met with my prosthetist and We started giving things fitted and I started learning like how to actually put it on and got to see it and All of that I started feeling like more and more on par with what I kind of expected to feel But it all came together when I was able to like actually stand up in it for the first time and then take a couple steps Honestly felt amazing like don't get me wrong it really hurt It was physically very painful, but emotionally it was awesome I was able to do so much more than I expected Like my leg is doing really really really well if there's one thing that I learned like over and over and over again Is that I cannot predict what I'm going to feel about anything and the more that I try to be any one thing the more That I try to fake it or like always be positive always be happy it just doesn't work that might work for like an hour or a day but it doesn't stick and That was definitely true in this case because I felt Pretty much all of the emotions in like an eight-hour period it like you name it. I felt it and I learned Over again how important it is to be honest with myself and not to like fake it for me for my family for my friends for the camera for anybody because This journey is weird. This journey is crazy like it's really cool It's super exciting and then it's also like a tiny bit heartbreaking and really painful and there are moments when I get angry and moments Where I'm scared as hell like I was yesterday for moments, but overall it's really cool And I think if there's one takeaway that I have from yesterday aside from I have a leg which is super cool It's that I need to continue to practice Authenticity because it plays a high priority on that and when I stop being authentic with myself I just crash and burn and end up angry and bitter and crying in a backseat of a car Riding around Denver waiting for an appointment So I'm gonna continue Attempting to do that and I hope that's okay with you guys because it does not mean being chipper and happy and positive all of the time So from here on out it's gonna be learning how to walk on my prosthetic leg Learning how to walk on it without crutches or without other aids because there's there's no way I can put my full weight on it yet. It's gonna be a while until I can like build up to that Pretty much every week. I'm gonna be meeting with my leg guy my prosthetics guy to have the socket reworked and we Redone make sure that there's pressure in the right places not the wrong places Then eventually I'll get my final socket. It's only final For a couple months and then I'll have another one made in about a year. I should have like the leg I'll be using for a long time at that point So it's gonna be an evolving process But a big step do you like that terrible pun was taken forward yesterday? I do have my foot here with me at home You can see kind of like some of the cool pieces in there. So this Christmas I will be learning how to use this baby and Enjoying the process. Thanks guys for watching. I hope you enjoyed I seriously appreciate all of your support more than I can tell you and your encouragement and Thanks for being part of this journey and for being excited along with me I was able to take my first steps yesterday guys. How cool is that? Thanks for watching. I look forward to talking to you soon