Republicans now say they're going to oppose their own health care bill after the Congressional Budget Office says that bill would cause 22 million Americans to lose their health insurance. GOP leaders say that if they work on the bill a little more, they can double that number. It's Tuesday, 3 a.m. June 27th, 2017. I'm David Feldman. We have a lot of show. Let's get right to it. This is the David Feldman Radio Network. He's one of the stars of the new Jim Carrey series on Showtime. I'm dying up here from Jay Leno's Tonight Show. From Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show. From all your favorite late night shows. One of the best comedians out there. My good friend Mark Pitta joins us. Also a Writers Guild Award winning comedy writer from Saturday Night Live. Dave Cyrus. And our old friend comedian Liam McEnany. Stay with me. Hit the contact button. Let me know so I can thank you. Joining us from Hollywood, Rick Overton. Emmy Award winning writer. And he's in the new series on Showtime every Sunday night. I'm dying up here. Hello there, Rick Overton. Hey, David. Thanks for having me on, man. Thank you for doing this. First up, we have to talk about I'm Dying Up Here. This is a series that Jim Carrey's producing. And it's about the early years of the modern day stand-up comedy explosion. 1973, the Sunset Strip. It's a fictitious comedy club called Goldies. It's not the comedy store, but it's like the comedy store. It's not the improv, but it's nearby. And we have things that are like those different clubs. Comedians that they're using on the show. Some of whom were around for the original scene. They're playing roles not as comedians all the time, but as other roles in the show that are wonderful. And it takes a great look at how the comedy business started. When you say it takes a good look or a great look at how the comedy business started, why 1970? The boom. The boom started in 73. Is that what you're saying? It's before the boom. It's showing how it built to the boom. It's pre-boom. 73 isn't the boom. When is the boom? It's not the boom yet. I'd say later 70s. Late 70s. It's when the explosion of other clubs opened. Without giving too much away here. And I did read that book and I loved it. It's based on that book, right? Yeah. Loosely based on the book, but it's really more about the comedy scene in general. It's about the entire... The way vinyl was for the record industry, this is for the comedy industry. And on the other side of the exact same timeframe. And I would say if there was a distinction between vinyl and between I'm dying up here, it's that you didn't... As much as I wanted to care about all those people on vinyl, I couldn't attach to their crisis. But I think the people and I'm dying up here are very relatable. And sympathetic. And I think that's a big part of it, you know? The boom started in the late 70s. I've got a little something in my throat. I've got Rick Overton on. And I can't make the joke that I want to make because I have too much respect for you, Rick Overton. So I'm going to move on. But you know, and my audience knows, that it's semen.  We're going high brow on my show. High brow here. So I have to apologize to my listeners for one quick second and brag to Rick Overton and tell him that in the past three weeks, Congressman Alan Grayson has done this show twice. Yes. I love Alan. Before we get back to I'm dying up here, explain to our listeners why it is such a major coup to have Alan Grayson on the show. You might remember a very famous piece of business on the floor of Congress where, you know, this is even before Bernie was speaking out as boldly. Alan kind of was the first guy to just completely just rock the boat but capsize it. Then they had to write it again with ropes and other boats and stuff. He knocked it completely sideways when he came on and said, here's the Republican health care plan. If you get sick, hurry up and die. And there wasn't, you know, all the proper people were outraged. And all the ones you would want to be outraged were outraged. And so I was very impressed with all of that and I went on to get to know him and help him with his campaign and stuff. And, yeah, you know, you can tell when someone's really shaking up the boat is suddenly there's all these weird out of nowhere only just found out now controversies about the person. How convenient that you only just found out now. What do you mean?  What do you mean? Oh, they're always finding things about Bernie. Now, suddenly there's something about Bernie. Now, but he's so popular. Oh, suddenly it's a problem of property even though lots of people do it. Suddenly there's an investigation and oh, they're trying to do things to Alan Grayson saying about his, you know, he was abusing his wife when I am a personal friend and I happen to know what the truth is that it was quite the contrary. And there's video tapes. And there was video. Yeah. Yeah, I'm the one that told him to tape. Said, bring a video. Video tells the truth. I did two interviews with him and then we talked after the show and he brought up the stuff with the ex-wife and I didn't even know about it. I knew that there was something but I never clicked on it because I wasn't interested. Right. Most Americans aren't and it's as a smear tactic. It's been a catastrophic and abject failure. I'll tell you why character does matter and then I want to get back to Alan Grayson and 1973 in the comedy boom and I want to impress Rick Overton because if you don't like me, I'm in trouble. And by the way, I was explaining that to my shrink and he didn't understand that.  Oh, Jesus. No pressure there. If you're one of those... I'd be honored though. No. I'd be flattered that you would think that but your joke, your joke if you got me to laugh would be a big deal because your jokes always do. Well, it's not only the jokes. It's how I live my life.  I can't have you not approve of the way I live my life and I've been told that's the wrong way to live but Rick Overton... I don't know that much about it but it seems like you're having a good time back there in New York and liking your world and do you like your world back in New York right now, Dave? Well, given that we both went to Dwight Morrow High School... That's right. You can actually go visit every now and then, inexpensively. There are moments and you don't get these in Los Angeles where I'm driving through New Jersey to visit my sister or my mother and there's cut grass and I get high school wood. I look down and I'm in my car and I'm going, wait a second. How is the smell of cut grass giving me high school boner? You have a memory boner, a nostalgia boner. What is that about? It's about back when we could get boners. Listen, honey, stay right here. I can't afford the Viagra. Pasquale is going to come in with a leaf blower. I just need you to lean up against these wooden arrows on the lawn of Dwight Morrow High School because it's the first place I got laid and now it's the only place I can get laid. It only happens here. Yes, there was something about the grass at Dwight Morrow. Is that what you did? There were these arrows that everybody kept trying to... It's a fiction joke to use a landmark to help block it down for others. That's not where it happened. But it's just for the joke. What about rewriting the past and not rewriting as in writing but write, make it right, that Gatsby-esque need to go back in time and make something right? Do you have that urge? Yeah, I just told the story, you know. Let me go back in time and fix what you did. Fix what you did or... Or reword it to everyone else. But go back and see that person or whatever. Well, oh, go back and someone you had a conflict with and see if now with your... Uzi? Yeah, you're Uzi. I was talking about my penis, actually. Oh, it's Uzi. Oh, actually, yeah, well, it oozes. Oh, man. It oozes, too. Oh, God. Yes, there are people I want to go back... How did I forget who I was talking to for a second?  I'm on the phone with David, yay! I'm back. 1973 is when stand-up, the boom, the seeds were planted. Still, you had to go through, basically, the Tonight Show. You had to go through that... I don't know what that would not be forever and not that much longer. Would the title be held as the only gate through which to go to success was the Carson Show? Mm-hmm. You wouldn't do it. Would a Carson do it or is that a myth? Yeah, I mean, back then... I had the pretty prins happen. Not every comic got one, but it doesn't have to be every one. If suddenly two or three get them, then it's a rule. Or it's the potential for a rule. Before Carson, it was the Ed Sullivan Show. Comics wanted to get on the Ed Sullivan Show and they would go from playing clubs to playing nicer clubs. Then it was Carson. But there were a lot of guys like Steve Martin did Carson for many years. Then Carson didn't like him anymore. He fell out of favor with Carson. He was only doing it with guest hosts. And then he came. Well, yeah, I have my own story of that history. Please.  With Johnny. Yeah, for the night of the blow-up. When they said, why are you going off to another network and cutting one half hour into my base and building your base off of my show? What was the tension like when you did that? There was an okay set. But then I found out it was the night that they said, you're never going to be back on this show again. To Joan. Yeah. And I was her comic she fought for. Oh. So there was guilt by association. Right. So now. I'm playing the guy who picks the comics. You know, that's the cosmic joke of it. Macaulay. The court of Macaulay. It's La Salle. It's like a few people at once. It's like an amalgam because we live in a fictitious river. Goldies is in place of the store. But yet there is a store. And yet there is an improv. Plus the other clubs that we may name. So we just say the universe slightly larger. So you're playing the guy who picks the comics. Yeah. And his name in this universe is Mitch Bombardier. Is that his real name? Oh yes, that's his real name. Bombardier. Wow. Mitch Bombardier. That's so funny because Bombardier is the guy who drops the bombs on the cities, right? Destroys. He destroys. Right. Destroys things. They used to go over the Tonight Show sets with a fine tooth comb. Was that to protect the comedian or to protect the guy who was putting the comedian on?  I'd say a win-win was the only true protection. We're the audience. The audience liked it. Johnny liked it. The comic wanted to come back. That's win-win-win. And that's generally the objective so that your tenuous hanging by a sinew existence is not threatened by having made a mistake somewhere that you don't think is a big one but that comes to get you later.  Right. Too much freedom is a scary thing if you're young. Well, and you can take that too far in the other direction. You can crush art. You can stuff it out like a match hit. I don't know if you want to go in this direction so you don't have to answer this question. There are some people who felt that Johnny Carson unnecessarily censored his comics because he wanted to be the political guy. He also unnecessarily censored female comics that while he helped Roseanne and a few female comics for the most part there and you don't have to address this but he helped Joan Rivers but a lot of female comics thought he didn't... Right. I'd heard that. Support them enough. It's a good thing we don't have any female comics who can talk about that so we can. Well, I mean I have over the years heard that complaint and certainly my own dynamic is that I... I'm... I have my own story that can certainly see that there is politics involved even though I don't have the same exact dynamic. Why? There are politics involved. It isn't just purely for its own sake. Well, you're talking about the politics of Joan Rivers and Fox, Harry Diller, and disloyalty to Johnny and you're being associated with that. That's politics. What about the politics of going after the president, going after a specific party? They really don't want on The Tonight Show. Oh, they don't want to lose a demographic. It's, you know, for us, the comedian, you're only talking about losing from 12 to 20 people. But to Johnny, that would be losing how many millions when there weren't other things. It was in the millions. The Nielsen's were in the millions back then.   Was it different back then we're told that this country has been as polarized as it is now. How many times have you heard that phrase? Since the Civil War. Yeah. And it's always never been as much as every single time because otherwise you can't sell your publication. No one wants to say, well, it's not as bad as headline. Right, right. So in the 70s and the 80s, you were alienating audiences if you were a liberal making fun of conservatives. If I'm a conservative and I see a comedian on the Carson show making fun of Reagan and Bush do I say that's it? I'm never watching Johnny Carson again or are you adult enough to say, well, it's a it's a big world and that happens to be a liberal comic who's making fun of my belief system. I'll have to wait an extra three minutes for him to be off and then I'll continue watching. How much of that is true when they say a political satirist is going to lose millions of viewers for us? Well, I think now there's a sensitivity that wasn't there before. I think now it's a minefield in a way that is relatively in the last couple few years new the behavior of a true attack on but I don't think it'll last forever. I think we're living through a storm and you hunker in for the storm and you'll see some important shit in your life fly by it'll uproot some things you thought wouldn't be uprooted but if we're still here at the end of it we'll you know we're improvisers we'll just go yes and then make what's next like we always do that's what America is it's an improv. Is the divisiveness good? There was a time when what your girlfriend home or your boyfriend and he wasn't your religion the parents would disapprove now more people are willing to accept their child marrying out of the religion than they are their child marrying out of the party and I think that's a good thing I think that's healthy because the party that you're affiliated with truly reveals who you are as opposed to the religion.  John Cantu? oh you're close somebody who ran the zoo right John is right John Ross? no John Means? Yes Dr. Gonzo Dr. Gonzo used to do his sound checks Ding ding ding ding ding. Winter weather chicken dinner. Winter weather sheen dinner. Oh, that's dating myself. Mark Pitta joins us from the Bay Area. He was in New York City last week, and we got to hang out.  I just wanted to call and tell you that. I watched your trip to New York, and I realized you are better than me in every way. As a friend. As a comedian. As a man. You just, you have this way about you, and you were in New York, and you visited friends. You visited Jimmy Celeste and Alex Bennett. I've been living here for three years. I haven't had time to see them. You hang out with people. They could be Dana Carvey. They can be the guy who used to clean your house. It doesn't matter. You're a man of the people. You're a good human being. Well, I think if you live in the same city as your friends, you don't see them as much, but when you only have like three or four days, you see the opportunity. So I'm never in New York, and I always find myself in New York going, oh, and Alex Bennett had reached out to me when he heard I was going through a divorce, and he's had sympathy for me. I went over there. Went out to dinner in Harlem, and it was fantastic. Took a subway a couple of times. He saw Jimmy Celeste. I spoke to Jimmy for a minute. I started to cry. I haven't seen him in 13 years, and then I start going, I'm a horrible human being. I've been living in the city all these years. I still haven't found time to see Jimmy. Well, how far are you? I don't know where you live, so I won't, but how far are you from Washington Square Park? I've become a shut-in. It's like, everything is work, stand-up. Can I get laid? Can I read? I've broken it down to the bare essentials, and I'm cheating myself out of life. I think I haven't figured out. Well, especially in that city, because there's so much, it's just fun to walk around. I might as well walk around and have coffee with a friend for half an hour. I'll be your life coach. How about that? Okay. I had a great time with you. You were in town to pick up a Lifetime Achievement Award for a friend. He couldn't make it. I won't. Stop it. I don't know if I want to ask this question now or after your listeners hear the story, but I got to go wait till after they hear the story. I was in town because Jerry Lewis, well, why, right? Jerry Lewis is 92, and I think he wants to leave something behind. And he noticed that comedians don't get recognized. They hardly ever went Oscars. You could say Woody Allen, Kevin Klein for a fish called Wanda, but a lot of comedy doesn't get a lot of attention and it's the harder thing to do. The Mark Twain Award, okay, there's that, but I think Jerry wanted to establish something because the Friars are like separate. It's just a different thing. So it's the Legionnaires of Laughter and there's a lot of great comedians on the list and I think he wanted to establish it, but the Lifetime Achievement Award will forever be known as the Robin Williams Lifetime Achievement Award. He wanted his name on that award. Jerry wanted Robin's name on that award. Yes, yes. Yes, because as you heard in the show, when I forgot who it was who was speaking, I believe it was Jerry's manager from Australia who's done 30 years said when Robin passed away, Jerry turned off his phones for two days and then when he finally spoke, he just says, I don't understand. And like we all didn't. And it's interesting to see, Robin touched a lot of people, but you forget he touched a lot of comedians too that admired him and I was surprised to even know that. Jerry Lewis felt that way about Robin. Me too, I was surprised too. Jerry couldn't make it that night. There was a big dinner at, was it Cipriani's downtown? Cipriani's Wall Street, uh-huh. Beautiful location and it- And this Jerry's Kids thing, they go- Jerry's house. Jerry's house. It's for terminal kids. There's one in Australia, one in New York and it's kind of like a cool looking hospital for kids like everything's colorful and you know, and they try to make it for the kids not so horrible. And laughter does something scientifically to our bodies. It releases a door fence. So it's always better to laugh even if you're on your way out. Ooh, that didn't come out right. Yeah. I'm not a very good public speaker as you know. And well, we'll get to that in a second. It's called- Jerry's house. Jerry's house. It's actually, yeah, the picture of you and I that I posted actually says Jerry's house on the wall behind us. So it's Jerry's house. By the way- It is no longer really associated with MDA. Right. So it's Jerry's house. And it was invented at the time by a 10 year old Australian comic. Right? I thought he invented the toy that Jerry wanted to fill the hospital with this toy.  Oh, I thought that kid came to Jerry and said, what if- He invented a toy. He invented that toy. Oh, you know, there might be more of a correct explanation of how Jerry's house came about but I'm still in a daze from that whole event. So I had a great time because it was a rainy day in New York and you were staying at a really nice hotel and I thought, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna do what a normal human being does. I'm gonna accompany a friend and just give moral support. There'll be nothing in it for me. I'll just hang out. I won't bring my microphone. I won't do a podcast. I'll just be. Well, what was in the bag then, David, that you carried around? Well, you never know if I wanna stop being. No, I didn't. Did I bring a bag? Had there been, yeah, it's in the photo. You have your bag. I think you have your equipment in there. Oh, okay. I was surprised you didn't tackle Sherwood and Colin from whose line to get them on your podcast. I think I was creeping them out. They were the hosts of the evening. I kept laughing at anything that wasn't funny. So they were like looking at me going, is this guy trying to sabotage the evening? You went up, you did brilliant stand-up. You explained why Jerry couldn't make it. There was something wrong with his what? This is a blame over here, Colin. And it was a swollen woe.  No, I told the story of meeting him for the first time, which is a true story about me doing the Nightie Professor voice to him. And I, I don't know if you know this, and people listen to you from all around the country. There was a place in South Lake Tahoe, the South Shore Room in South Lake Tahoe at Caesars. And when back in the day, if parents brought their kids, they had to shove their kids into this movie theater that they had so they can go gamble. And they would play the Nightie Professor over and over again, or they would play three Stooges in orbit. And I watched the Nightie Professor so much, it was memorized in my DNA by that point. And when I met Jerry, I said, yeah, my mother wanted to take me to a doctor because I would say, mother, if you're making flat bread or pancakes, as you call them, I would like my bacon crisp and the orange juice freshly squeezed. And Jerry said, that is the best Humphrey Bogart ever. By the way, that reminds me of that joke. The guy at the casino goes outside, finds a high roller. Can I borrow 300 bucks? How do I know you're just not gonna gamble it away? And he goes, oh, I got gambling money. Okay, that's an old joke. I really shortened it too. I like that. And what was the clown joke? What's that? Clown? Oh, the clown joke. What? Wait a minute. What's to kill himself? It goes to a shrink. That's a famous joke. Oh yeah, you can make up the name of the clown, but no, no, it's the shrink tells the guy.  I'm just, life isn't worth it. Nothing's going right for me. My wife left me, my kids don't talk to me. I live in a hobble. And he says, look, look, look, look. The psychiatrist says to the patient, go see Puccinelli the clown. And I'm telling you, he's fantastic. So if you see Puccinelli the clown, if you don't have a new way of looking at life, then we can talk. And the patient says, I am Puccinelli the clown. That doesn't all right there by comedy. And the darkness of it. Well, I don't think comedy itself is dark. I think what leads up to it is dark. What leads up to the show, what leads up to the show and afterwards is dark. I would think, you know, a lot of comics and back when we were starting, there was maybe 600. Now there's so many, it's just ridiculous and they're all influenced by other people. No one's influenced by the great comics anymore. I find that's unnerving that comics don't know comic history. That's my biggest complaint about any comedian though. Like you don't know comedy history. Like it's all there for you. But wasn't that the complaint I remember in Mr. Saturday Night? He was saying, you don't know who Myron Cohen is. You must know who these people are. I mean, hasn't that been a complaint throughout time? Yeah. Because you could learn from everyone, you know? You can hear an old joke. Some, like Mort Saul was so in the moment, his stuff is hard to understand because you didn't read the paper that day and that day was 1966 or whatever. You just, he was so on the money with topical stuff that you didn't really have no history to understand that stuff. I should mention that Mark Pitta gets to have lunch or dinner or breakfast with Mort Saul once a week. Pretty much, it's right now he's going through some tough times with his eyes, his vision. He's gonna have an operation and he's, you know, he just turned 90 and his memory is still there. Great. He's a little slower. He's got a hearing aid, Robin Williams bought for him, actually. But sometimes he hasn't ever returned my calls lately because he can't hear his phone and he can't find his phone. But you know what's funny about Mort is I can just go over there and knock on the door. Come on in, pal. You know, he's like, open door, it's an open door policy here. Wow, wow. Up in Mill Valley and he performs there every Thursday night. If you have Twitter and Periscope, you can watch him perform. There's a great interview that he did with Mr. Curtis, James Curtis, who wrote the new biography about him. Fascinating. Mort has some insight into relationships that he's been digging into since the 50s. He's been trying to understand women since the 50s and before I got my divorce, I didn't quite understand what he was talking about, but now a lot of it, a lot of it makes sense, doesn't it? What does that say about men and women that Mort's been trying to talk about this that long and we still haven't got the answer?  Do you think this goes on in other countries or is it just an American phenomenon? I think it's American. I think we're such a transactional society that people look at one another and they put a price on love, not necessarily money, but it's like, what can you do for me?  Everything is right, don't you think? I don't know if that goes on in Italy where everybody has health insurance and a safety net. I think people in Europe marry for love and not control. What do you think? I think so too. I tend to agree with that, although I haven't spent a lot of time in other countries to observe that, but you know, like I can see a tiger's going, I'm the Ammo, huh? Ah, but it'll be in the pool, come on, is it? I'm the Ammo is probably the only thing I know. Now, when you were hiding out in Sicily until things blew over, you had a girlfriend, she used to learn how to drive in your car and she said, you taught her the days of the week, right? And I think you have a tape of that. I think Fabrizio. Fabrizio, who's the guy you brought into the room when it's stunk and he would just breathe for a little while and Fabrizio. Now, I'm going to imagine that. The guy's name is Godfather and like now it's something with a laundry robe. Fabrizio, yeah. That's him. Why is he now? Pizza? Okay, we take that count out. You know, Buccino has several voices. The early Godfather Buccino is very nasal and he's talking like this. Like he's got braces on and he continued that with cervical. You know, why am I going to go? And then we had a long day afternoon. This guy's so mad.  And then he got older and then it's like he had removed the braces and the monster was released. Oh, then it came out like this. We don't know what happened. I claim, and I think I'm right, Dick Tracy turned him because Dick Tracy is the first time in all that makeup but we knew he was like, I wanted generals. What do I got? What? Soldiers. And then on, he did that the rest of his career. The yelling guy. And I understand Bill Cosby is hanging out with you today just kicking back. You're helping him teach. Do you want to speak to David again? With the blog. All right. Bill, you're okay. Do you want to ask Bill? Here, Bill, take the phone. Hi, David. Hey, Bill. Are they? Congratulations on this. What's going on? Did you hear I got out? Yeah. Well, temporarily, sir. Oh, this is one of the many of the series. Like having a TV show can get renewed. I understand you're teaching a class and how to avoid getting accused of sexual assault. You know, you got a lecture on what you know. And I know all about that.  But people, I'm sorry, I didn't expect to do this today. That's yeah. Oh, Dana Carvey. Well, sorry, I just, I just, you know, my brain works this way. But Dana Carvey told me a story about where I went. Tough guys, the movie, his first movie, and he made it with Kirk Douglas and Bert Lancaster. And he said that, you know, Burt was like 77. It's like, we're going to rob the bank line. You know, he just there were like 35 takes with Lancaster. Then they do coverage for Kirk Douglas. They did 20, 22 takes. Then they do coverage for Dana. Dana would do his line once and Kirk would go, I think we got it. It's a wrap. And he told me that Kirk, no, Bert Lancaster and Harry Hamlin was at some press event where they were announcing something in the press.  Everybody asked that, right? So they go back to the hotel and all of a sudden Harry Hamlin's going to knock on the door and he opens the door and it's Bert Lancaster.  And Bert Lancaster goes, I understand. And he walks away.   And Bert said, I understand. And walked away. But Bert Lancaster? Yeah, that's a big rumor for a while. Bert Lancaster? I'll take it back to cut that out. I don't want to make people think I'm the one that outed him. Well, got to keep that in now. Okay. I can't get my permission. Let's wait. What do you do with the guy with the actor? Yeah, Bill, I am trying to have a conversation with a friend of mine. Okay, I'll let you know. Let me tell your listeners. David Selbin, if you ever want him to laugh, just do Bill Cosby. I couldn't. Did you ever hear, oh, you know what you asked me before? You said, what do you want to plug? I wrote a song about Bill Cosby that's on YouTube to all the girls I've drugged before. Why didn't I just buy a horn? We're listening to, because I rhymed some pretty good stuff in there. My favorite was TMZ on every corner. Even Malcolm Jimmel Warner knows what I've done before. Yeah. All right. Let's move on, David. Is that really on YouTube? Yeah, it's got a picture of Cosby from his album and I scratched that it died. So it looks like I'm not happy about that.  If I did that, it would come across as trivializing what he did. Have you ever gotten into trouble? It's a heart. Have you ever gotten into trouble? Isn't that the case about everything though? It's like, if we have to second guess our jokes, that's gonna be the downfall.  Have you ever gotten into trouble with women in the audience? I can't imagine you. By saying something offending, you mean? Yeah. One time I did, one time I did, but it wasn't the woman who was upset, it was her boyfriend. And it was Charlie, not Charlie Goodnights. That was a North Carolina, it was a Bay Area. It was one of those restaurants that had a comedy night. Charlie Hebdo's was Charlie Hebdo's. It was a French restaurant. Nope, it was Charlie Hebdo's. Anyway, it doesn't matter what the venue was. But I was MCing, that was very green and Slayton was headlining. And I said something, this woman couldn't stop talking. And instead of doing the ol' heckler lines, I just said, ma'am, here's something you'll never hear. Oh, he's no good. And you're not gonna believe this.  And it hit the back wall. That's how much on a flat, you know? If that hit me in the mouth, it was over. Slayton comes out of the kitchen with a meat cleaver. Who's that? Who's that? And it kind of saved the day, but it was ugly for a while. So, I learned a little bit that day. I kept the ashtray too. It's, I had it for a long time. I once had a woman throw a fork and it hit me in the glasses. Ooh. Yeah. And I was in a bad mood. It was a fundraiser in San Francisco for Willie Brown and the Democratic Party. Must have been the mid-90s. And I had had it with the politically correct in San Francisco. I made a harmless joke about, I don't know, Hillary Clinton or something. A fork hit me right in the glasses. And I just stopped and I made a big thing out of it because I just wanted to show how dangerous these liberals can be. And I kind of, and the woman started crying and made me feel bad.  And she kept crying and she kept saying, he was wearing glasses. He didn't, he's not hurt. He was wearing glasses and everybody was saying, if he hadn't been wearing glasses, you would have taken his eye out.   Well, the one guy I do remember getting into most trouble with women was Rick Reynolds. Well, yeah. He would have jokes just. You know what? They were so rude, I can't even quote them. Me neither, me neither. They're really bad. I remember coming to Cobbs one night, he was headlining and he says to this woman, so you believe in Jesus? And she goes, yes, I do.  Yes, I do. And then he says, well, let's give it a try, shall we? And he looks up to the sky and he starts cursing out.  And then he pauses and says, I'm waiting. I'm waiting. Oh, you know what that reminds me of? That scene in Cool Hand Luke where it's raining. This guy could have my life anytime he wants to. Come on, old timer, if he knows you don't like God. And the last line is standing in the rain, talking to myself. But Rick was different. Oh, Rick was kind of a troublemaker instigator. We played a prison together. Oh, you were there for that story? Oh my gosh. With Jose Simone, Joe Simon when he's looking for work. And it was Santa Rita prison, level five, I mean, murderers, rapists. I got so claustrophobic. We go in there and they're telling us whatever you do, don't talk to the crowd and don't make fun of the warden. That's the first thing. I go up and I bomb and they kept saying, turn around, turn around. And I'm thinking, yeah, I think my hair plugs are good. I swear to God, Mark, I swear to you. They keep screaming, turn around, turn around. And I'm thinking they're checking out my hair transplants. They wanna see the bald patch in the back. And I turn around and they start whistling at me.  And like I never get any attention from women. And I'm thinking, well, this is kind of nice. I swear to God, this is kind of nice to be appreciated.  Oh my gosh. Yeah, and then I, so I get off stage and I'm really kind of scared. I just wanna get home. I'm very claustrophobic. I keep thinking, they're not gonna let me out. They're not gonna let me out. Jose goes up and he performs and then Rick goes up and he was told specifically not to make fun of the ward. And the first line out of Rick Reynolds' mouth is, good evening, men and men.  And the rafters start, I mean, it's like, I thought we had the prison riot in cell box three. I mean, it was, it was one of the worst. Santa Rita, wow. That's where, yeah, that's some famous people, Santa Rita. Quentin had Charlie Manson. It still has Scott Peterson. Who was the mad, Heidi? Heidi Fleiss. She was in Santa Rita. Yeah, she was in Santa Rita. Have you ever played a prison? No, no, no, no. Yeah, and Robin Williams would always say, if you wanna come with me to Iraq, fly with me, because I fly with the generals.  So unfortunately, I don't have that gene that says, you know, help others, but as long as I could drive home after. I don't think, I think I would go now. During the war, I was genuinely afraid of going over. I put out feelers. They weren't interested in me. I kind of did some things at a Marine base. They didn't want me. I didn't have the kind of act that would have worked for our soldiers. I don't think I've ever told this story to anybody except privately, but I did a show, excuse me, I was hired to do a show at Travis Air Force Base. It was a Christmas party.  And she's okay.  I'm like, yeah, it's perfect, perfect, good setup. Oh, but you're not doing the show there. Where am I doing it? And she kind of gestures to the lobby and there was this overflow crowd that they screwed up and they couldn't secure the room I was supposed to perform it. So they had a podium with one of those microphones that are attached to the podium and I, my act, I move around.  I said, I don't think I could do the show. I said, they can't, half the room can't see me. If I turn to the left, the other room can't see me. And the speakers were behind me pointed to an empty dance pool. I go, this is the worst setup I've ever seen. And I said, well, let me, they go, we have to do it. So let me, let me go out to my car for a second. And I called the woman who had booked it. She goes, well, just don't do it. So I'm walking back and these goons are out there. These tall dudes outside the, and they go, are you the comedian? And I went, no, yeah, you are. What's the problem? I go, well, what do you do for a living? Air traffic control. I go, what if it took your equipment away? Could you do your job? You know, let's talk over here. And he points to like the darkest part outside of that alley. I'm like, I'm not going to go over there. And, and he says, look, and I'll never forget this. He goes, he points at me goes, we protect this country to provide you the freedom to do what you want to do with your life. And I looked at him and I said, who protects me from you right now? And I walked back, let me give another shot. I walked back in and I look and I'm like, I can't make this work. I tried, I just can't make this work.   So I get in my car, I'm like, whew. And I go to the club with a woman who booked me. And of course, a couple of glasses of wine.  But it was, it was frightening.  And this, it's one of the few times I said no. And it was a good paying gig, but I just couldn't make it work. Giving up. Yeah. Giving, like coming to a gig, going to a gig and saying, no, this is horrific. You always end up blaming yourself on the back of your mind. You're thinking, well, the show must go on. I should have done it. I, you know, it take, it's harder not to do the show than to just go up and bomb humiliators, right? It's harder to say no. And if I was in my 20s, I probably would have, you know, said, yeah, the challenge. But after doing it for, you know, by then I was doing it 25 years is like, I can't, I can't make this work. And I predicted that nothing would work because the audience couldn't see me. Half couldn't hear me. It was just, it was horrible. Ask Bill, Bill Cosby if he ever said no to a gig. Bill just, I just looked outside.  I don't know, he's way down the street now. A picture of him. Isn't that funny, David? Isn't that funny?  Although I look at the pictures now and I'm like, wow, I got to update my tuxedo. It's pretty old looking. But because it was Jerry Lewis, I wore white socks and I was proud of that. Because Jerry always wore white socks with his tuxedo to put the attention on his feet because he was taller than Dean, Dean Martin. Now I didn't know that you have the waterworks. I didn't know that about you. I'm a very emotional person.  I never cried. I was in the nervous system. I never cried. This is what I want to ask you. And you have to be honest. Is the fact that you're not emotional or didn't get emotional at the same time as I did, are you on a medication that stops that? No. Like anti-depressants or anything. No, I never cried. I always. So you just said, oh, okay. Because for the audience, I was supposed to accept this award and I had not talked about Robin in two years on stage in public. The last time I talked about him was the week after he passed away and we had a slight little memorial for him. But there was a big memorial, but I wasn't a speaker. But before that, as you know, That's right. I cried there. That's the only time I cried because they didn't ask me to speak. I remember crying. Well, as you know, we're there. And before I have to go up on stage, there's this in-memoriam with all these comedians who have gone and when I saw Kevin Meany, who we lost recently, I grabbed your hand. I've squeezed it and you can acknowledge it, but you weren't, I was tears are right down my face and now I get introduced to accept this award for Robin. I couldn't talk. And I, you know what?  But I gave you words of encouragement, didn't I? Yes, you did. I was crying. I said, David, I'm gonna lose it up there. And you put your hand on my shoulder.  And that loosened me up because it got me out of my head. And then, then you said something else. I don't think. That's not, that's not fun. Let's not go there. Yeah. But let's just say, comedians always laugh at this word because it's a shock word and, you know, yeah. I said something to the effect. Don't even get the clues. I just said, you know, I know you're weak and vulnerable and susceptible to any advice right now, but I really think it can help your career. If you want to happen. But then I tried. But then I tried to make myself laugh. What? I've never tried to make myself laugh at you because I was emotional that I turned to you. I said in tears, like, Robert was the first one to offer me cocaine. That was an attempt to make both of us laugh. But when I got up there, it was, because, you know, I wasn't doing material. It was very heartfelt. And my voice, as you know, started to go and I sound like the Godfather. And that's when I said, if my super fist is mad, if my son should get hit by both of them, I'm gonna blame some of the people that I do not forget. And they laughed and then it got me out of my head and I could speak. You were hysterical. Yeah, I was hysterical. You were. I kept looking at you for, you know, support. You were there. If you weren't there, it would have been worse. So I'm very happy you got to go with me and ride the sedan and ride around New York. It was cinematic. It was a rainy, thunderstorm day in Manhattan.  Okay. That's what they do now. A lot of SUVs are, you know, because people look for limos, you know, on these events and stars that want to show up, you know, not that we were stars, but, you know. But isn't like Wall Street beautiful when it's raining? And it was very. I'm glad I got to see that. Cause it was beautiful day and there was like a little humidity in the air, but it was a breeze, but that turned into thunderstorms. And then it rained violently for like three hours. And then when we got out of there, it was beautiful. The streets were wet, like some Hollywood company wetted the streets for the, you know, cause that was, looks better. Yeah, that was, that was, that was fun. And they had beautiful. They had a little metal. And how long did you stay there until I had to go home? But the next day was my, oh, I did stay a long time after cleanup. Cause it was talking to people. And I was waiting for the same car to take me back.  But after the gig, there was nobody waiting for you. Like there's like a good luck getting home. But they were really good about that. And a ride to the airport the next day. I had a two hour delay on the tarmac. I'm going to plug Virgin America, even though they were purchased by Alaska Airlines. I'm on the tarmac for two hours cause the thunderstorms and then we take off. So it's added two hours to the trip. I get home the next day. I get in the mail from Virgin. Here's a $75 voucher. Cause we know we, in the convenience too. And what an airline does that? You have to use it with them, of course. It wasn't like cash, but it's like, oh, okay. Great, you know. Did you, did you sit on the runway out away from the gate? Yeah, we're on the tarmac for, yeah, for a while.  I hate that. Yeah. That's when I get my, well, I know, I know we have listeners who are flying right now. And the one thing that I get antsy about is when I'm sitting on the tarmac, but remember to take deep breaths. And this is temporary. If you're sitting right now. I fell asleep.  Did you drink? No, but I had wicked, wicked dreams. No, I didn't sleep much the night before. So I was kind of tired anyway. And then, and then, you know, it's so funny now. It's like you have so much to watch. Well, you were flying first class, right? Yeah, but you know, but Virgin has TVs at every leather's feet and they have, it's cool. It's low lighting. It's neon. I had my colonoscopy on a flight because it's so nice. And they, there you go. I've had, I've had a lot of flights in coach that smelled like a colonoscopy. I've, yeah, I don't, I don't fly first class. But when I do, it's a completely different experience. On those rare occasions. By Virgin. I'm sorry? Virgin is good first class. Some first class are kind of upgraded business class and they're not very good. There's no entertainment. The food's better. The food was really good on the flight. But anyway, but they were bought by Alaska. I just hope Alaskan Airlines doesn't screw it up because you know, they figured it out. It's a beautiful, beautiful trip. One day on the show, I'll tell the story of flying first class to Manhattan from LA and sitting next to Olivia Newton-John, which was- It's a wee lady too. Yeah. It was as close to perfection as it can get. It was heaven. It was 10 years ago. One of the greatest six hours of my life. It was not only first class, but she was talking to me and I lucked out I wore a suit because I knew I was flying first class and she thought I might be somebody, but it didn't matter because she's just such a good person and I got to talk to Olivia Newton-John for six hours. Not a stop. It was like, it was amazing. I opened for her as the chair talked about winery. Yeah, and you know what? She eats with the crew and the comedians. We're in her curlers. She's down to earth, you know? I was on a flight once where Tom Brokaw was in first class with me and I noticed he didn't speak the entire time because his voice would have given him away. I can't get into the overhead compartment. It's probably going to help me reach for my bag. You know, it would have been that. And oh my God, Tom Brokaw's on her flight.  I'm doing Dana Carver's version, by the way, I guess. You know, it's like Rick Overton says someone else does an impression that you've been working on and they go, oh, they decoded it.  Like Dana nailed it with, that is weird, wild stuff. You know, that bone that we all, oh, that's how you do it. Okay. Oh, I have some insight into that. Robert Smigel told me that Ed McMahon never uttered the words, you are correct, sir. Did you know that? I tend to believe that, yeah. Well, President Bush never said not going to do it either. Dana did, yeah. Not going to do it. And Dana's so great at... Did he say Shabashubi? Take an impression. I don't know what he did. I'm pretty sure he said Shabashubi. No, I don't think so. You have to prove that one. Dana loves to take an impression and just dissect it and then just make it so arbitrary and so weird that he, you know, not going to do it actually at the end would turn out to be not that. He just loves to see how far he can take it, you know. Not that that. Hi, Paul. I'm on a podcast right now telling stories, yeah. David Feldman, yeah. Okay, Paula Carby's is high. Oh, Telleray said, I should mention that Mark is sleeping with Dana's wife. So we learned that a Bert Langcaster might have been a little light in the loafers. And Mark, well, that is, if you're from San Francisco. By the way, light in the loafers, you can't say anymore, see?  You got to go at the times, yeah. Who said light in the loafers is bad? Johnny, Johnny did that a lot. But who said you can't say?  You know what I'm saying? The political correct community. Well, let us do certain things. You know, you have to watch what you say now. It's kind of sad, you know. Oh, well, roll with it. So when you do Cosby, people, let me get back to this. Because you know, we spent 10 hours together last Monday. And if you start doing Cosby, I start laughing. It doesn't matter. And I have said, people who listen to the show know, if I could do Cosby, I would talk like him forever. That's all I would do. You could call up the restaurants and get takeout orders. Could I have the pizza without the crust? No. No. Could I have the Thai iced tea with a bowl with the papasi bowl? Do Bill Cosby calling Walgreens to see if his prescription is ready? I was there the other day and I was using the machine that checks your blood but they said I had to wait. They said they text me. This is my prescription. I was like, this is a gift, so I go with the right aid. And they don't aid you at all. So I had to wait, so I had to get it on the black market. Wow. Isn't it more fun to live with someone else? I never would. I never think of these things on my own. Well, yeah. So how did you know you could do Cosby? Like when did you first do it? When I do, you know, I would never ever do an impression in public but when I used to do a lot of them, I would visual, I could see the person that I was trying to impersonate. That was as mechanical as I got. Is there a mechanics to impressions when you say breaking the code? Let me ask you this, can you sing? Can you sing on key? Yeah, I'd be ashamed to do it right now. Okay, you may not have the ear for it, meaning there's something I think that we hear things differently and we could, it's like being a minor bird, really. But I've never sat down and worked on an impression. If I tried it and got a little bit, then I would do it more like as I get older, I'm my Nicholson, especially in the morning or late at night, my Nicholson is much better. I actually had a great story about Nicholson. It was, they were at, though Adam Sandler was doing anger management and he went over to Nicholson's house to discuss the project and Adam, Dana told me this and Adam went over there and Nicholson says, would you like something for lunch? And I don't know, just gonna, Peter Byrne Jelly Sandwich fine with me, you know, okay.  It's not even funny unless it's Nicholson's bag. It's perfect, that's perfect, that's so perfect. Well, Jimmy Fallon told that story about going to a ball game and eating cracker jacks and Nicholson goes, did you get to the prize? And he goes, yeah, what is it? Oh, it's a little picture of a snake, a stick or you can put on things. When I was a kid, it was metal things.   Now, did our friend, Kevin Pollack decode Christopher Walken? See the one, are we all doing his Christopher Walken? He added, I heard some other people do Chris Walken, but he added the pauses and the whisper. You know, a lot of people do Walken, they just do that all day, but Pollack added the, all right, don't even go there. We sorry, you know, he did the, almost the Pacino High and Love thing. He did a really good one. He did a really good one. I like the fact that Kevin has the stories to accompany his impressions. Like he met Chris Walken, as you know, at the, they wanted Pollack there when he got his name on the star, on the boulevard, Chris Walken star. And they were standing by themselves saying nothing. It was creepy. And he goes, cement, wow. And that was it. So, two stories are the best. I don't know about you, but anytime I talk about other people, I do their voice. You can't talk about Jay Leno. One time I was on Jay Leno, he said to me, hey, my glass, I mean, I want to show you that thing. You have to do the voices to everybody. If they have a, you know, identifiable one. The past couple of years, I got into know Robert Smigel pretty well and he's considered one of the best impressionists ever. Nobody knows, but he's one of the best impressionists, right? I didn't. Oh my God. He did the first Trump. He did, he was doing the clutch cargoes for, oh my God, he's amazing. Yeah, and he can, but I watch him and he doesn't, like he'll do Cosby and then he'll stop.  Because I'll shut up, but I think the reason I don't do impressions is I would be just a Supreme A-hole if I, I see. Well, why don't you think you couldn't stop? Well, if I could do Cosby, I would, I would just be making phone calls to plan parenthood, to, I mean, I would just, to women shelters, to the NRA. I mean, I would just, I would just, David's can't come into the office today. He's taking a Bill Cosby day. You would call the no boo. Can I have a table for two for eight o'clock? I know it's busy time. I'm on the short leash.  Just do them in all sorts of, you know, situations. You know, he's always encouraging that. I gave him one day, he does micro impressions. I go, you do Nicholson, you don't have a micro. Do Nicholson at Baskin Robbins? And Dana goes, is there actual Scotch in the butterscotch? Or later. How about doing it? I'll have butterscotch hold the butter. Oh, I'll tell him that one. I'll have some butterscotch hold the butter. Well, what's it from Five Easy Pieces? Hold it between your legs. What's the... Yeah, I want you to hold it between your knees. You see that sign, sir? I don't have to take any or smartness or sarcasm. You see this sign? I got to kiss Karen Block once. Think of that sign. Think of that scene. I kissed her once and her eyes straightened out. Ooh, that's, see, that's what... That's horrible joke. That's just horrible. Yeah, it's making fun of someone's looks. But she was a great improvisational actress, man. She was one of that whole group, like Hopper and Fonda and Nicholson, yeah, Dern. You see, if you see Laura Dern on Twin Peaks, she is knocking it out of the park. No, I'm just feeling bad about that Karen Black joke. Oh, okay, I was trying to, like, get off that subject. But that's, see, that's what I do. You get to be, like, I realize that at Monday's event, you get to hang out and make people laugh and I just say horrible things. But that's your brand. So, stick with it. Well, do people know you were, do people know you were a fellow of the clown? Yeah, we keep talking about that. Okay. Show me how to do cosplay. I'm not gonna, actually, what? Okay, what do I do? Let me see, okay, okay. I tighten my throat, that's what, well, he's not my throat. It's my vocal cords, I kind of squeeze them.  You don't ever pronounce things exactly like this.  You know, maybe that's it. I've never, you can see me at the learning addicts, how to do it. Oh, you know what? I would give anything. I'm gonna come to San Francisco and we'll videotape this. I have a money-making idea. I actually have a money-making idea because I now on YouTube, they bump me up to something where I can actually charge for a video, right? I don't know what that, what am I gonna charge for? And I thought, well, wait a second. Suppose we do a seminar on how to impersonate Bill Cosby. A master's class in impersonating Bill Cosby. And you actually teach people how to impersonate. I don't think that's gonna make any money. I think I'm a very sick man. I think I'm sick. I think we could officially say you lost your mind during this podcast. Especially now. Well, you know what first broke about the allegations and all that. I do a bit of my act about a GPS, celebrity GPS device, which they actually have.  So I just took that. The Fran Drescher didn't take off, right? Oh God, the Leno one was like, ah, the pension, that was funny. Hey, last time there was a guy and he put his blinker on, he just sped up. Let him in, be a nice guy. You gotta re-wrap. That's okay. It's all right, just re-wrap. Just turn around. No big deal. No big deal. It's from everybody. Hey, yeah, Bob's a big boy, might as well be down there, but yeah. But when somebody yelled out Cosby, it just, it's like it came to me. I think I could add, I could write better if I'm forced to in front of an audience. Like I have to come up with something at this moment.  That guy, that was it. That was the entire joke. So, you know, my GPS bit has been on YouTube for about, since 2004.  And it's great. And then I get like an alert, like someone commented on your thing and somebody writes, and I shouldn't bring this up because it's nothing, but somebody writes, you're ripping off Jim Brewer. I'm like, look at the date. I go, look at the date. I did it way before Jim did an impression of it, you know.  And you realize you're just right. You're writing back 14 year olds, you know.  All right. But it's, you know, I've never, I don't like to watch sitcoms. I don't like to be influenced by any comedy. So I know if I write a joke, it's mine. And that joke has been around for a long time. Well, I'll write a comedy album with you. I would love to just, I would love to do a comedy album, but it would have to be like, where you do all the voices and. Yeah. God, that would be so much fun. That would be just so much fun. You're in the Bay Area and when do you see Mort next? Before you go, when do you see Mort? If I probably go over house tomorrow, maybe. Wow. I'll give him a call. Wow. You love Mort. That's great. You know, Robin Williams said to me, once I'm, we're walking back to the venue and he goes, so great that Mort lives here. He just really loved the fact that he hung out with Mort a lot. We would have, three of us would have coffee. And then that's, that's what hits you when you go on stage to accept an award on his behalf. That's why the waterworks started. So. Yeah. That was a special night. Not to get too maudlin. Maudlin? Yeah. But it was a special night. And I just, it was going for the ride. I just got to watch you and be reminded of how fun. And I learned that that day you were vegetarian and you don't drink. I don't do anything. Everybody's having fun.  I do nothing and I have plugs and I'm miserable. Date me. Have you gone on any, you don't talk about the, the divorce, right? Oh, not yet, but I'm banking a lot of jokes because my mind, you know, when you get divorced and it's emotional, whether you want it or not, it's on your mind all the time. And what else is on my mind is joke writing. So the two meet and what comes out of that is divorce jokes. It's just the way my brain works. So it's a high process things. And I will never say her name because then she could say I'm slandering her, but you could say I was married once. I do jokes about my first wife. I don't, I don't name her. So, but divorce is different. It's, I'm accumulating a lot of stuff. Yeah. And I would love to sit with you and write some more. Do you know I have to write letters to my attorneys cause I refuse to talk on the phone. Me too. That's all I do now is like really quick emails cause they'll charge you for the minute. I would tell my lawyer all these funny stories that I get billed. So, yeah, so what happens? I had to have a conference, they love conference calls. Nothing good ever came out of a conference call. No. And I can't help it. I start making them laugh and I keep going, deduct that laugh with 10 seconds, take that off my bill. And then they start laughing. And I'm going, you know what I realize? I'm not funny. You guys just don't want to work. So you're just laugh, ha, ha, ha, ha. Isn't it funny, you think both parties once you've decided to get a divorce would just take the steps as quick as possible to end it. Why stretch it out at all for any reason? I mean, I'm back to, my life is totally different and I'm into it now. And you know, I have to take care of these other things. I set up to sign some papers and get a notary, but that's like issue number 322 of things I have to do today. So it boggles the mind, you know, grudges, vindictive people and you don't know they're vindictive till later. And all I did was support my wife as far as any projects she ever had or you know, I moved her to, I spent money moving her only to say, you know, get divorced and I moved back. But I have really, you know what I learned? I have really, really good friends. Yes. And everybody's helped me out and it's really, I'm much happier now. And I'm struggling with this, especially with my shrink and on this show. I keep saying, because it has to be this way, I keep saying it's America's fault. In other countries, they don't allow divorce attorneys to control what happens and it's all about money and feeding divorce attorneys. And this is an adversarial country we're war like and everybody doesn't have a safety net. So they're vindictive. They want what's theirs because blah, blah, blah. Because the alternative, if I don't blame America, I'll blame women and I don't want to go there. No, yeah. It's more attractive, we've gotten to the point now where it's more attractive to blame your country than to blame an entire gender, which of course is not true. I don't blame women. No. Do you know what I came up with? I said, what good is having a sex, oh, I know I used to say what good is having a sex drive of all the roads are closed. And now since I'm going through divorce, I said, my sex drive is heading for exit celibacy. And one of my friends wrote, you can't get off there. And I'm like, okay, they don't know they just tagged it and I'm using it. That's a great joke.  Mark, how do people reach you, sir? 415. But women love you. Women love you. David, I don't want people to reach me. So let's leave it at that. But I want to plug my Bill Cosby song on YouTube.  It's a funny one. And did Bill come back from his walk? Did he?  Would you like to say goodbye? Yeah, goodbye, Bill. Bill? David, I love your work. I'm a big fan. Thank you, thank you. And I do blame women. So, yeah, we have a little bit of a fun. Oh, man. Stay on the line for Wednesday. Giving us a good review on iTunes moves us up. That's the way their algorithm works. So when you give us a good review on iTunes, you're really helping out. Joining us from Los Angeles today is Writers Guild Award-winning comedy writer and comedian and roast battle champion Dave Cyrus. Hello, Dave Cyrus. Hey, how you doing? I don't like calling myself roast battle champion. That's just something the club owner called me once. So I just want to make sure everyone is clear. I am not self-proclaiming myself champion. And what about this movie you're writing with Pete Holmes? What movie is that? I have it on Good Assorting. I have it on Good Assorting. Pete Holmes. I have heard you mentioned multiple times on your show that you're writing with Pete Holmes, who I have never met. Well, but that's actually convenient for me because the person I'm actually writing a movie with, I'm not supposed to say publicly. So you did me a real solid. Dave Cyrus is written for Saturday Night Live. He's written for Triumph the Incilicomic Dog. He is a roast battle champion. That means everything to me. And he won't admit it, but he's writing the big new Pete Holmes movie that after. I hope Pete Holmes hears this and gets really confused. After the success of Crashing, I would assume you can't talk about it, but you and Judd Apatow are writing a big movie for Pete Holmes. You know what happens? If you tell a lie long enough in Hollywood, they go, what the hell? We might as well do it. Well, lies are becoming more and more credible these days. So it sounds like you just figured out how to get a movie contract. On today's show, we're gonna talk about the cash me outside girl, our troll culture. We're not gonna talk about Donald Trump and his tweets. We are not gonna do that. And we're gonna talk about- But try not to. We're gonna try not to. And you are saying to me before the show started that elitism is a good thing, but you're at it in and out burger in LA as we speak. How can you be an elitist?  Said he's an elite. He stole soda? Yeah, there's an Instagram photo somebody took with Eric Trump at an in and out burger and you see he's holding one of those water cups, those little clear cups that they give you for water and it's filled with lemonade, which means Eric Trump stole lemonade, allegedly. In the name of St. Jude's. Yes, of course. He is a very charitable person. I'm sure he just wanted to save every penny he has to give to some charity that will buy paintings of his father. Maybe it wasn't lemonade. Maybe he was buying a hooker's urine to pour over his dad. Did you ever think about that? Well, yes. I would think that now Eric Trump can be more concerned about where he buys his lemonade from and getting photographed with it because that's a very good point. I would never drink lemonade again if I was in the Trump family. I thought we weren't going to talk about Donald Trump. No, it's impossible. We're talking about we're trying to talk about the 14 year old troll girl and the problem is it relates directly to Donald Trump somehow. They're basically the same person. Who is the cash me outside girl? I have no idea what you're talking about.  I'm not happy to know who she is. She was a 14 year old girl who was on Dr. Phil because she's one of these out of control, you know, juvenile delinquent type girls and she started threatening the audience when they were trying to ask questions and she was like, well, cash me outside. How about that? And you know, a little white girl who's putting on a voice and an inflection and it's very sad because it's just, you know, it's a girl who's in trouble and you want her to get better and the problem is she's become something of a celebrity now because people think that a child acting horribly is adorable, which is why it's hard for me to talk about this without bringing up Donald Trump. Too many corollaries. So at first that was terrible. It was, oh, she's a meme. People are all quoting her and that said, but it was nothing, you know? Now, she's on tour. She is doing a tour where she is being put up and being booked places where audiences will pay money to go see her on stage and be mostly yelled at and insulted by a little girl. And a lot of people are upset and the weirdest thing to me is that a lot of, you know, everyone, every comedian I know, trust me, a contrarian, everyone wants to have the new hot take on something.  What's wrong with you? Leave her alone.  We are, this is abuse. It's the same thing with Honey Boo Boo where, except that wasn't about a girl doing something horrible. It was just more about her horrible health habits. This is even worse. This is about someone who's actually a hateful, angry person and we are making her believe that this is her ticket to her future. And instead of saying, okay, this is behavior we should all be looking at and saying, you shouldn't do this, we are as full-throatedly as possible as a society saying, be as horrible a person as you can possibly muster because that's what we are now. That's who we are as a culture now. And that is terrifying. And it's troll culture. How did she end up on Dr. Phil?  Her mother, by the way, not exactly a role model of mothers either because it sounds like she's also kind of parlaying this thing too. But she brought her on.  She's doing bad things. She's too young to be acting this way. I'm scared. And she, you know, she didn't know what to do.  I'm gonna teach you to be better and the kid cries. And it's not exactly, you know, the most honorable thing, but at least the spirit is somewhat understandable. This girl is a celebrity now. And now this girl- She's 14, right? Yeah, she's 14. She's 14 years old. And she dropped out of the seventh grade. She's 14 years old.    We are teaching her and pretty much every other kid out there, be a monster. Be a bad person. And you will be rewarded for it. She has 8.3 million followers on Instagram. I'm getting a printout on her. Yeah. Get her dossier out. If I do a carefully constructed joke on Instagram, I'm lucky if I get 20 likes. But if I were to flash my vagina. Well, if you flashed your vagina, it would get more than 8 million views. That would be a big deal.  I was Sharon Stone stunt double in basic instinct. I mean, I would love for the news for TMZ to be like, remember the show MTV half hour comedy hour? Well, one of the guys who was almost on, it turns out to be a woman. By the way, I was on MTV comedy. Oh, you are. That was a random guess. I assumed that was one of the ones you were likely to be on. But I figured you're more of an evening at the improv guy. I used to go on all the time. And back then I was too old for MTV. Back then they were saying to me, we're putting you on as a goof because you're so old and that was 20 years ago. How is Los Angeles today? Is it hot? Oh, it's beautiful. It's a beautiful mid 80s, June day. It's great. You know, I miss LA. All my friends are here. Even though I'm a, I feel loyal to New York. I still, you can't deny how great it is to be here.  No, I'm gonna do some tomorrow. Where are you gonna perform? Where are you gonna perform? I think I'm doing a Lexington tomorrow. What's the Lexington? Just some bar. It's a bar in LA that I do often as my friends run the show.  So I just kind of do my friend's shows and I'm not trying to like do the clubs necessarily. And when is your next roast battle? Well, I should have won in New York before August, but I now have won at the end. On August 29th, I'll be headlining the roast battle at a main event against the great Toby Murashanu, one of the absolute best battlers in the scene. Hey, did you write for Rich Voss's roast Monday night? No. No, no, did you do it? He asked me to and then I forgot about it. So. Right, I was supposed to help you with that, wasn't I? Uh-huh. And then I kind of sent him an email in the middle of the night earlier in the week. I go, oh my God, I forgot to give Rich jokes and I texted him and emailed him and he goes, it's too late. So we'll be held up.  And I guess that's just wasted now. Are you still undefeated? Yeah, but I'm only four and O. But what's Dixon? Dixon's like seven and O, but I don't know. Well, seven and O at New York Comedy Club. He's lost some at the stands. I don't know what his full record is. So he wouldn't be called undefeated unless they're in the Rose Battle scene. But he just has more wins at New York Comedy Club, but I don't know if he's still doing them regularly. My resident conservative, Pat Dixon, the most despised guest in the history of a David Feldman show, Pat Dixon, is seven and O. Because hosts don't count. He's undefeated, undefeated. Yeah. I don't mean to disparate you, but put aside your self-righteous indignation and do an assessment of where we're at politically. We lost in Georgia, right? Ossoff lost, our guy, Karen Handel won. The Pat Dixon, the great Pat Dixon, undefeated in the Rose Battles. The Supreme Court has just ruled that Trump's travel ban, parts of it can stay in effect until it goes to the Supreme Court in October. We're losing. Yes, Trump did just tweet that he was happy about the nine and O decision to uphold part of the travel ban, not nine and zero, nine in the letter O, which makes me feel less safe than the travel ban. You're afraid that he's gonna drop a bomb on ground O? Yes, yes. I think that is the kind of mistake that should not be okay for a president. It's like if a doctor was about to perform surgery and realized he was only wearing one shoe. You would be upset. You would be worried about that. It's like if you were about to go on trial for murder and your lawyers said, I'm sorry, I'm very upset.  You'd be really worried. Howard has tweets. Do you actually, are you one of his followers? I am a follower of his because I do want to get them the second they come in in case I happen to have something hilarious to say, but so I wake up every morning with this litany and it puts me in a bad mood.  I mean this morning today I wake up and if anyone else in the world was tweeting something like this about a crime they were accused of, it would be the most hilariously guilty thing it is, he is acting like the most guilty person I've ever heard. He's now saying that I didn't collude with Russia, Obama colluded with Russia to get me elected. This is something that a person who's just in the deep throes of just madness would say. And he's also saying that his, he was smart to pretend to have recorded Comey because it kept Comey honest, which means he just admitted that Comey was telling the truth.  We're coming up on the July 4th weekend when people wanna relax, hang out with the people they can tolerate. Do you think Trump fatigue sets in once again for a couple of days where you just need a break from it all and then when you need a break from it all, they come in and start stealing more stuff from us. It's constant vigilance. I respect that about you. You are like still outraged and I'm thinking, can I just get like three days where I don't have to follow the Russian investigation and the travel ban, but you're still fired up, right? Oh, absolutely. I actually had a conversation with a stranger a few days ago and she was from Egypt. So I was especially disappointed in what she said. She was a very beautiful woman and she just said that, oh, I just think people are so, people need to calm down about Trump and just let him do what he wants already.   Exactly. And I think the only thing keeping him even slightly worried about doing something catastrophic is his desperate need to be liked. And I think that we have an absolute responsibility to not let up, but at the same time, we have also a big responsibility to not exaggerate, to not lie. And that's a problem that everyone has right now on every side. They all, you cannot misrepresent anything. You cannot use strawman arguments because we don't need to. And people, because people keep assuming that these are lies about him because they can't believe that he could be responsible for such an avalanche of horrible things, but he is. The last thing we need is to misrepresent it. If you know, if you see a meme out there, Google it. Do not just assume the amount of money it costs for Milani to stay in Trump Tower. Google it yourself, really find out, because when you say it's more than it was, you just gave that conservative an excuse not to listen. That's what I think is the most important thing. We need to be honest and we need to not let anything go that we wouldn't have let go if another politician had done it when they had a normal record. Like if it's something that George Bush would have gotten in trouble for, we have to attack him for it.  Jared Kushner has put in a bid for the new FBI building. Did you know that? I did not know that. Yeah, I mean, it's overwhelming. The FBI is gonna build a new building and it's about $2 billion, I think. And Jared Kushner's family has put in a bid to build the building that's supposed to put him in prison. Did you know that? No. I did not know that one. I'm ashamed that I didn't know that. And that is so amazing. And it's amazing that that's not surprising. This has always been a cash grab.  It's... Well, you know what it is? It would be irresponsible for us to just take a break from how bad things are getting because when you do that, you give a pass to his fans. You let them have a nice weekend. You let them feel like, this isn't so bad. Life is back to normal. It was all politics. Well, it's not all politics. He's not George Bush. He's not Mitt Romney. He's not Ronald Reagan.  He is the first president who I truly do not believe is concerned with the future of the country. I didn't last think George Bush was a good president. I never thought he was a bad person on this level even close. Right. George W. Bush. George W. Bush. George H.W. Bush was a horrible person, but a good president. In an authoritarian regime, the way you take power is by exhausting the opposition. Like you said, we don't have the stamina of a hungry dog. Mm-hmm. I am right now in preparation for the July 4th week and I took maybe six hours to walk in the park. And I thought, well, the sun is shining. The leaves are on the trees. Life is good. Why am I getting so upset? Do you think Mike Pence, now that he's hired an attorney, do you think it's possible he could end up going to prison because of the Russian scandal? Who's in charge after that? Well, it would be Paul Ryan. It'd be Paul Ryan, right? Nobody really knows. They think they know. But when you... No, I didn't. The line of succession. Line of succession is very clear. I did a, when I did a cartoon once, I had... Tell that to Alexander Haig. Well, Al Haig was wrong. Al Haig said the Secretary of State was next and he was 100% wrong and it confused a bunch of people. Constitution's very clear about this. The Speaker of the House is next. No question. And I do, but I do not think Mike Pence is gonna be in trouble. I think that because every single person in that White House, everyone is more loyal to the office than Trump himself, except for his children. I think that they've been insulating Pence this entire time. I think that everyone who works there in the back of their heads knows that Mike Pence is probably gonna be running for president in 2020. Right. Because he's already president, as an incumbent. I think that there's no... I think that Trump has no loyalty from anyone, really.  And I think that everyone in that cabinet is basically just... Their top priority is protecting Mike Pence from the assassination attempt that is Donald Trump's presidency against him. Metaphorically. I don't wanna confuse anyone by what I just meant. Rick Perry testifying, denying to Al Franken that carbon dioxide emissions are the primary cause of global warming. The Attorney General testifying that he hasn't gotten around to investigating Russian collusion in our elections. Even though he's recused himself from the Comey firing, he's still the Attorney General. He's supposed to order investigation into possible tampering by the Russians. And he says, I haven't gotten around to it yet. Maybe I'm a cockeyed optimist, but I still believe that we are approaching an absolute cratering of this entire regime. I think that... And I think it's a godsend. It's a blessing that Trump isn't smart enough to pull this off, because if he was, we'd really be in trouble. But I think that they are so deep in BS right now that there is absolutely no... I mean, it's only been a few months. And this is worse than even the people like us thought he would be. I do not think they can maintain this. We need to really get all the people who supported him to go back to where they were before, but just accepting the fact that they're just inferior and that they need to not think they know what they're doing. Mike Flynn was what? The National Security Advisor, right? Yeah. For like 24 days. He was being investigated before Trump was even president for possible collusion with the big Russian ambassador who's also a spy, right? Trump knew this. Prince Priebus knew this. Mike Pompeo knew this. He was the head of the CIA. They knew that he was possibly colluding with the Russians. And yet for the 24 days that he was our National Security Advisor, General Mike Flynn was sitting in on all the intelligence briefings. That in and of itself is shut this administration down. Well, I have a theory about that. And it's not exactly an original theory, but I really am starting to think that Trump was instructed to make Michael Flynn his National Security Advisor by someone with blackmail material. By someone who's black, by someone who may be blackmailing him.  I really think this is, I think that in Trump's mind, he thought, I did nothing.  That's the checkmate.  I think we're all ignorant as to the venality of Putin. He tampered with our elections. He cracked open the DNC database. But he stopped right there. He didn't find out anything about Paul Ryan. He didn't find out anything about Trump. He just stopped with Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the Bernie campaign and Hillary and Putin said, I'm done. I'm sated. Of course not. You know, Jason Chafetz, who used to be head of the House Oversight Committee until he stepped down mysteriously and was replaced by this gaudy freak. Why do you think Jason Chafetz stepped down? Well, I think Jason Chafetz stepped down because he ran out of acorns and needed to go stock up again. Why do you think Paul Ryan is towing the line? Because he's a company man. Putin's company? The Republicans.  And I think that Paul Ryan knows that if he plays his cards right, he will be president. I was involved in a civil lawsuit. And one of the questions they asked you in a civil lawsuit. You're divorce again? No, no, no, I'm just talking about a civil dissolution of a business, OK? And in a civil lawsuit, which is far different than a criminal prosecution, a civil lawsuit, have you ever been sued? Have you ever been divorced? OK, the way a civil lawsuit transpires is there are two tracks. There is the legal track. And then there is the public relations track. There is the track of what are you afraid is going to come out and be revealed about you. That track is extrajudicial. It has nothing to do with what the judge is going to see or rule on. But it's a track that informs how you behave in court. Do you have anything on you, Dave Cyrus? Is there anything for $600? If I hired a private detective, which I could do legally, I could find some stuff out about you. Is there stuff? Nothing that I could imagine would hurt the career of a comedy writer, you know? Most people, most normal human beings, and we're not normal, most normal human beings have stuff that they don't want revealed. This is what I've discovered. What don't you want people to find out about? And I go, nothing. And they go, come on. What do you got? I said, well, first of all, if I got something, I'm not telling you. So do some oppo research on me. There's nothing on me. I read the National Enquirer. Sometimes I pay cash for the National Enquirer. But most people aren't you and me. We're like sick. We're so clean. Because all we do is live for comedy or podcasting. Do you have things that you want to hide? And the answer is no. Most people do, including Paul Ryan. There is stuff that every politician has. Anybody who's in Washington, DC, has something to hide. And you really think that Paul Ryan might be on this list of compromised people? Well, I don't want to give Putin supernatural powers. But I think anybody who is as rich and powerful as Putin got there because he has a spy agency at his disposal. This was the guy who used to head the KGB. If he found stuff in the DNC, why would he stop there? Of course he's going to go. He knows about the three branches of government. Why would he stop with Hillary? He hacked Paul Ryan's account. We don't know that Paul Ryan has anything that damning. I just don't think that Paul Ryan's behavior needs to be blackmail. I think it could just be him being incapable of breaking from his pack and thinking that I need to just tow this line and I'll get to be president in a few months. In politics, there are three tracks. In civil litigation, there are two tracks. There's the track that takes you into court where you follow the rule of law. And then there's the second track, which is more important. That is what is going to be revealed about you and disgrace you in the court of public opinion, what your kids or your wife or mistress are going to think of you. That second track is way more powerful than the first. In politics, there are three tracks. There's your political career. There's the track of the crime you commit while in office. And then there's the third track, the court of public opinion.   Yes, we've all... That was the first one we all thought of, yeah.  He's obsessed with his looks. He's always working out. There's some dirty, dark secret on Paul Ryan. The same way there was a dirty, dark secret about Dennis Hastert, who was the speaker of the house before John Boehner. And got the job because he was so clean. Well, clean in the sense of not having any dirt on him. No, no, he got the job because he was dirty and could be controlled. Dennis Hastert is a child molester. He was the wrestling coach. He didn't even have to say allegedly anymore, right? Dennis Hastert is a child molester. That's why... He made the kid off. That's why he was made speaker of the house by Tom DeLay and the Republicans, because I have something on you. I can control you, right? Wow. I mean, that's certainly, it's possible. That is the dark end of things, but it's certainly not implausible. That isn't the dark end of things. That's the way it works. See, Michael, and see, I don't think, I feel like they wouldn't do that because that opens them up to ridicule more than anyone else. They would want someone that they thought was clean. I mean, he's representing them just because Tom DeLay wanted someone he could control. Who's naive now, Kate? Who's naive now, Kate? Do you think the Republicans care about humiliation? That gives them an erection. Look how Trump is being... Trump is constantly being humiliated. Trump is a national international disgrace. The Koch brothers don't care. The bottom line is going up. They're happy. They're getting more money. They don't care. You cannot embarrass the Republicans. They're shameless. Well, I think you can't embarrass Trump because he's got that kind of mental illness. I think the other Republicans, I don't think any of them really want the situation. They just are incapable of standing up for what's right if it's against their side. I don't think Dennis Hastert was helpful to them. He was a useful child molester.   There was an epidemic in the early 2000s of Republican child molesters. Well, there were plenty, and, practically enough, currently conspiracy lunatics think that it's the opposite. They think that there was some sort of liberal conspiracy to bless children, which just as easily could have been just normal Cointel pro because, well, if we're molesting children, I guess what we have to do is start saying they are. Exactly. That's exactly. I know people right now who think that there's some kind of liberal conspiracy.  And I tried very hard to convince him what was going on. And, you know, but that's the problem when someone's schizophrenic. You cannot teach them reason. I want to get to Alex Jones and Pizzagate and Megan Kelly.  I actually believe Megan Kelly did a pretty good job on her show with Alex Jones. I'll get to that in a second. But I want to get back to projection, the idea that if I'm a child molester or I'm surrounded by child molesters, the other side must do it too. No. Something very specific to Trump especially, but the Republicans do do it. Do do what?  And then we can change the conversation from I did this too. Oh, everyone's just throwing this accusation around. Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are ineffectual and they should be disappeared by the progressives in our community. But I don't think they're perverts. I don't think Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are deviance when it comes to sex and family. I think they're pretty clean. I don't think you can find anything on Chuck Schumer other than maybe some faulty accounting from Wall Street. Same goes for Pelosi. I'm sure you could, the same way you can find some stuff on Bernie and his wife with this college grant, faulty accounting. But deviance, when it comes to deviance, I think every Republican, I think every Republican, I mean this, every Republican who's gotten elected is a deviant. I think they're sexually deviant.  They're consumed with hatred for women because they're not into women or women aren't into them so they wanna control their bodies out of revenge. And that's what the Republican Party has shown itself to be. It's a party of people who lie and lie to themselves.  They continue to preach supply side economics. Look at Sam Brown back in Kansas.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Well they decided a long time ago that facts don't help them so they're just going to poison the well of information until facts don't really exist in an objective way. That's something that they've accelerated now. And I just want to make one point about they do have a tendency especially Trump to just accuse everyone else of whatever you think they're doing to the point that I'm sort of predicting right now at some point Trump is going to randomly say something like, you know I heard Barack Obama beat his wife and then everyone's going to need to check on Melania. That's how bad he is at this. Oh so once Trump says that Barack Obama beat Michelle, that means Trump is actually beating Melania. Yes, I'm saying that's how it's going to work. Pay very close attention to what he randomly says Barack Obama did because it means he did it. Well I think you're right and I think that Trump is going to say Barack Obama gave Michelle two black eyes.  Well I wish that was a ridiculous thing for him to say but it isn't really. So pretty reasonable. So this is the new meme coming out of the Trump mind. Michelle is actually white but they've changed her skin color to cover up the two black eyes that. If he said that, it would be a half of a day news story. Well you barely. You've invigorated me. A lot of people are going to be listening to this show sitting on the tarmac flying somewhere but sitting on the tarmac they can't take off because why? Because of climate change. Because of climate change. Oh sure. Flying is turning into a nightmare. Arizona they had a delay in one day something like 60 flights because it was just too hot to take off. So a lot of people are going to be sitting on the tarmac trying to get somewhere this July 4th weekend and they're not going to be able to because of climate change and people think they're going to relax. I'm hoping to relax.  I can't let go. If we let go, the dingo will eat the baby. What about let go and let God? What about that? I mean, I'm not exactly like an ardent atheist but the last six months hasn't helped. I think the fact is we've seen the people who believe in God most wanted and we need to accept that it is the worst thing for us now. I mean, especially because it's impossible to argue that there's anything about Trump that makes sense for a Godly person to like. So in that sense, at least we get for the rest of our lives to get to say you don't get to talk about character ever again, you don't get to talk about values ever again because you chose the person with the least character in the history of American politics. And why do the Republicans cling to religion? Authoritarianism, the same reason they like Trump. It's just two different sides of what makes people join a cult. That's interesting. And Donald Trump's popularity is cultism. It's authoritarianism and you also have to let go and let God, you have to believe in a higher power let them take care of everything for you. You have to trust them. And as soon as you stop, and I said this to someone, actually during the same conversation with the woman who said we should just let him do is someone else said, hey, you know, you gotta let, he said actually God will take care of it. And I said, that is the most dangerous thing you could possibly say. Because the second you stop believing that we are a rock in space, absolutely capable of killing ourselves off forever, you are making a horrible decision because we have to accept we have completely within our power to murder us all if we don't stay vigilant, if we don't have the intelligence, if we start acting like everything's gonna be taken care of by God. And, you know, we've done that slowly with climate change but we can do it very quickly with Trump. If we act like it's impossible that one egomaniac might just kill us all. So as I go into the country and I look at trees and I see nature, I cannot trust God to protect me. I have to protect nature. I have to protect God. I have to protect God and nature from Donald Trump and Rex Tillerson. Yeah. And Rick Perry. I think there might be a God. I think there might be a God and if there is a God, he absolutely, he needs for us to do that. If God exists, he is certainly not hands-on. Well, unless he's a priest. God helps those who help themselves. Yeah. But yeah, if one thing we know for sure is that God doesn't jump in and take care of catastrophes. That's our job. He gave us the tools to do it. How about this? God is a baby. God is the baby Jesus. And we have to protect the baby Jesus. How about that? I'm fine with that. Hey look, Jews never seem to have anything bad to say about Jesus. Well, problems are always with Christianity as a power structure.  That I mean in terms of like being offensive. Jesus said good things. He was a good guy, whoever he was. The people who, you know, worship him with a problem. And that's why they never seem to quote Jesus either. The real Republicans, they're big Old Testament fans. They want to talk about fire and brimstone and obedience. You know, they talked about Jesus. They'd have to admit that they should be voting for Bernie Sanders. Mm-hmm. You've revved me up, my friend. You got me angry.  I'm gonna go see the trees.  It's my responsibility to save God. Yeah, we could just as easily be living in a world where we all worship Zeus. It's not, could have easily happened. And if that were the case, you know, we'd have people doing the exact same thing and saying, oh, well, there's lightning today. So that means everything fine. No, we're on a rock in space. We are flying through on a big circular rock and if we screw up, it's over. Now you go to your shrink. I don't know, it's none of my business if you see a shrink. Not since high school. God, I hope. Haven't since high school. Well, anyway, everybody needs- I am a shrink.  I'm a shrink to several people in my life. I am an unlicensed psychiatrist, I assure you. You should open up a practice where you tell people not to relax, not to calm down, that they're wrong, the people in their lives are wrong and you need to lash out and expect things from people. Do the complete opposite of a shrink. The problem with our culture is you can pay a shrink to tell you everything that benefits you. To do things and to believe things that are in your own benefit, not the culture's benefit, for the most part. You need to open up a chain of psychiatric hospitals where you scream at people and tell them that personal responsibility means accepting blame for all your actions and you need to lash out at other people and not get along. Don't accept things. Yes. Look, I think letting God go on that God was a great idea before nuclear weapons. It was a great idea before human beings had the capacity to destroy the Earth. You're writing the big new Pete Holmes movie with Judd Apatow and Will Ferrell and Adam McKay and it's gonna be on HBO. Literally none of those people, but go on. And Judd Apatow. Literally none of those people. And here's what I want you to do. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to put this into practice. I want you to go into your next writing meeting and not give in, not be part of the fabric.  Can you do that for me? Oh, David, I am light years ahead of you. You just described every day. No. You just described my normal MO. You don't do it. Believe me, I am... You don't do it. Look, no, I mean, if I have to believe me, there have been plenty of times when I've offended people, it's happened at other jobs where I just say, hey, this is wrong. And, you know, if you don't agree with me, okay. But I want it on the record. Oh yeah, believe me. I'm talking for roasts. So, you know, as have you, I mean, a lot of people have very weird ideas about what's okay in a roast and those ideas change. And, you know, I'm someone who says, you know, you can do a good roast without hitting certain kinds of topics, you know, and that's something a lot of people don't believe in. They think it's any kind of joke works. So no, I enjoy, since I was a little kid, I've gotten too much enjoyment out of being the one person to stand and say, no. I mean, I've had entire schools turn on me. I've had rooms full of people just hate me all at once. And I'm ashamed to say, I kind of liked it. You're conservative, then maybe you're conservative.   Well, up until high school, I was. Ah, interesting. Up until, you know, I learned stuff. I used to be just a regular patriotic American. And then I started reading Howard Zinn and I had that same moment that every teenager has. Dave Cyrus, you'll come back? When are you back in? Of course. When are you back in New York? I'll be back in July. July. Sometimes. July? Mm-hmm. Every Christian who ever met you is thinking that privately to themselves.  Thank you, Dave. Thank you, David. I'll talk to you soon. All right. Joining us with his tail between his legs in Los Angeles, crawling back to me to apologize, comedian, comedy writer, Liam McInerney. Hello there, Liam. Hi, David. How are you? It's so great to be on your podcast. Hey, congratulations. It's such an honor. Congratulations. Oh, thank you. Thank you for what? For getting on the David Feldman show. You know what? It's been a really hard time booking this podcast.  I had to pick up my phone and say yes to you. You've been invited back. I have. I am a returning champion for the David Feldman show. And let me tell you something of the 13 things I should be doing right now. This is easily my top one through 12th favorite. So are you gonna apologize through leaving New York City and going to Los Angeles and discovering that David Feldman was right, telling you not to move to stay in New York, to fight it out? Well, first of all, let me apologize to the good people of New York City for moving. I didn't realize what a blow would be to Civic Pride.  And you know, I found it really touching because actually the city of New York to kind of as a gesture to reach out to me, I understand they threw an entire Civic Pride parade this past weekend. But like show how proud they are of their city and how much they miss me.  It would be really great for you to put on your short shorts and a tank top and march. And I did. I wanted you to get a healthy tan.  I understand the city like supplied a lot of people with rainbow flags and outfits and hats with chaps. And I was really very touched at how much the entire city of New York missed me. Yeah, you know what I noticed? How flamboyant your fans are. Oh, when they get excited, they just can't help but dance and burst in the song. This is Leah McEnany, best week ever. What's the name of your big show? Tell your friends about it or what's it called? Then a best week ever is definitely my best credit. I have done nothing in the last 11 years. So, luckily, best week ever. There's one thing you know about Viacom shows, a VH1 gave me enough money to retire on after that. So, I'm deaf. If you're listening at home, it's not a sign of laziness that David could only supply a credit from 11 years ago. A sign that he did research maybe. It's just really kind of where I peaked in my career. That's not true. What's the name of your new comedy CD? It's called Working Class Fancy from Comedy Dynamics. Right. You can actually hear it on Sirius XM. It's in pretty heavy rotation right now. I'm very proud of it. A lot of people seem to like it. I really feel like I'm making an LA because I can see a Scientology building from where I'm sitting. Are you sitting out at the cafe near UCB? No, actually. I mean, I'm in Malibu right now. In my rental, you know, I mean, just like things aren't going as well as I'd hoped out here. So, I could only rent a home out in Malibu for the season.  But right now I'm in Malibu and it's not as big as I'd hoped. And I kind of have to share a beach with Madonna and Bob Dylan. Are you doing like an Airbnb where you live in the maid's quarters? No. This is, you know, Steven Cate. Steven? Steven Cate, Spielberg and Capshaw. Well, they got divorced a while ago and this house was joined property and neither of them wanted to sell because it would mean that the other one made a lot of money. So, they just kind of leave it empty most of the year. And Steve, you know Steve, right, Spielberg? He offered to let me rent it from him for a reasonable price. The whole house? Whole house. I mean, it's not that big. It's like a few bedrooms. I have a couple of friends who are gonna come and stay with me over the summer and, you know... Oh, so you sub... So, you charge them to stay with them? No, no, no, no, they're gonna...  I don't know if you know those guys, but I let them stay with me and then we'll all go out to St. Bart's for a couple of weeks and I'll stay with them. And like, you know, that kind of, it's just that kind of deal, you know? At least like a friend's helping each other kind of deal. So, you're kind of like a personal assistant. The comedy didn't go well and you're kind of renting this house as a business and you invite these people like Lauren, Michael, Steve Martin, Marty Short to stay at the house and then you kind of make them dinner and so they're called. Right? Now, it's more like I met Lauren, Michael's, through Steven Spielberg. I think I told you I know him. I was writing a, I was helping him. I mean, God, I wasn't even writing it. I wish I was a lead writer. I was one of the people who was helping George write the new Indiana Jones movie. George? Lucas, it doesn't really, he's half retired. So, you might not have run into him.  Hey, that's great. You're a writer's assistant for these guys. That, you know, that, you're going to learn a lot just typing what they say into a computer. And I bet they'll take, eventually, they'll take some of your ideas and trust you. You'll get to see some of your words on the screen. Boy, I, you pretty much describe what it's like to so-called collaborate with George and Steven. George just, you know, throws out ideas and I'm writing and I'm writing. And at the end of the day, Steven's just like, look, I've read your other work. I trust your gut. You can just throw that stuff away. This is such a great lesson in business management. Guys like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. They're filmmakers. I don't know if you've heard of them. Yes, I have. And the way they direct, okay. And no idea. No idea should be rejected. And it doesn't matter who the idea comes from. If it's good, it should stand on its own.  And I think that's such a great way to run your business where everybody is kind of equal. Well, I'm more of a co-writer. But listen enough about me. No, no, that's great. I heard you got nominated. I heard you got nominated for an award for that puppet show you were writing for. What was that puppet show called? I wanna get back to you moving to Hollywood and making a mistake, realizing that it wasn't gonna work out. And then when it didn't work out and you realize you weren't gonna make it that David Felden was correct, you made lemonade. You did a gut check. You looked in the mirror and said, okay, I'm not an actor. I'm not a writer. Right. I have things to learn. I'll go get it. I mean, I will be acting in the new Indiana Jones movie, but generally I'm not an actor. See, that's why that's always gonna be like third or fourth build. So yeah, I mean, it's like not really that big of a deal. It's like you're going to school. That's what Steve's in Spielberg and George Lucas do.  Writer, yes. And they say, you know what? We want you to learn everything. We're gonna give you a job as an extra in this movie as well. So you're like in the background scene, right? What do you think? Well, I'm in the background of a lot of scenes, but I'm mostly a co-lead I think is the term. This is so great. It's so egalitarian that they would call an extra, a co-lead. That's fantastic. These are the Hollywood values that we have to bring to the rest of the country. These progressive. You know, Harrison, right? Whenever he's on screen, nobody's looking at me. I get what you're saying. My job is mostly to react to whatever he's doing. So you're right. Like I'm definitely like, you know, not the lead, but I would say, you know, co-star maybe or other star or star after the star maybe. You know, I've always wanted to start a comedy think tank with this podcast. And that's exactly how I would run it. Everybody's a co-star. Everybody is a writer. Because I think I feel like a lot of people feel like your podcast is a lot like community theater, you know, like comedy, community theater, like a charity gig almost, you know? Like everyone comes in and pitches in equally. So my concern for you, and I'm glad things are going well. And I think it's really great that you're... You know, things are... I don't want you to feel like... I mean, okay, so you know how like, you know, they're already prepping the new Transformers movie? Uh-huh. Right. So, you know, I was kind of, you know, asked to write the first few drafts of that. And then, you know, but the thing is because the last Transformers movie didn't do so well, usually you get a half a million, 750,000 for this kind of work. But now they're saying like, oh, well, we'll pay you 250,000 and then we'll give you a bump every 50 million that the picture grosses at the box office internationally. So it's like, yes, I could technically walk away with a million, but will I be making as much money as I should right off the bat? Not really. So I mean, I don't want you to feel like things are going that well for me. So that's what the guy writing the Transformer movie said to you to justify why he's paying you so little to be his assistant. Well, producing the Transformer movie who hired me to write. When I had a conversation with Michael Bay about it, yes. You met Michael Bay. Well, some would say Michael Bay met me, but yes, I would say we met each other for dinner. You met him through the writer you're working for? The writer as it is? He heard some of my comedy on the radio and then he asked for some writing samples and then he asked to meet me. Did you feel insulted that he asked for writing samples? That's good. I hope you put the writing samples together and you swallowed your pride because you never know, Liam, when one of these jobs can turn into something more than just being an assistant. Right. Well, I mean, yes, I absolutely agree. I mean, like part of my deal because I'm getting paid so little is the studio has to finance the script that I sent them as a sample. You know, they really liked it. And at first they were like, no, but then the whole paid thing came up. So I'm going to write and direct it and star in it. Like kind of do the Woody Allen thing. That could be a big budget deal. Hold on to that dream, my friend, because you're meeting the right people and eventually this could come to fruition. Well, I mean, we'll see. You know, it's just like, it kind of stinks because if this film thing goes through, then I'm going to have to put my sitcom on the back burner. And that was just kind of what I came to LA to do, you know? Are you spreading yourself to thin being a writer's assistant to Michael Bay's new writer and then being a writer's assistant to George Lucas and Steven Spiel? I mean, being a writer's assistant takes up a lot of time. I'm worried that you're burning the candle, both ends. I was also worried about that. And then I read this book. It's kind of my how-to manual on surviving in Hollywood. It's called The Kid Stays in the Picture. Robert Evans. And Robert Evans, oh, you've heard of it.  You seem nice enough guy, but in the book, they talk about this creative age that they use called cocaine. And, you know, I hadn't heard of this cocaine before, but apparently it adds about seven to eight hours to your working day. How can you afford cocaine on a writer's assistant's salary? I mean, what do they pay? If I could also, yeah, if I could get one of my assistants fired and take their salary, then I wouldn't have to go out of pocket for this cocaine. Wait a second. That's a really good idea. This is so wasteful in Hollywood. And it's generous, I have to admit. Writers assistants have their own assistants. I don't know if my assistants have their own assistants. If they do, then I could definitely see how I could maybe get some more money for this cocaine, because I have to tell you something. I'm really enjoying the cocaine even more than the writing and the directing and the producing. But cocaine is very expensive. I just don't see where you have the money to buy something like that. You know what you caught me. And I guess I wasn't gonna talk about this because I'm only kind of talking about the glamour gigs, but I will be headlining a few arenas across the country over the next year. Like Madison Square Garden and O2 in London. And I just tell you a few select bigger arenas. I'm gonna have a Louis C.K. opening for May kind of deal. So that's pretty much where my coke money is gonna come from. I don't understand. I like coke a lot. And as you said, it's very expensive. The other stuff, the arena? Oh, I haven't touched the other stuff. I'd be afraid to try anything harder than cocaine. No, no, no, no, I'm talking about. I understand cocaine can be a gateway drug, like mushrooms and everything. I'm talking about you headlining Madison Square Garden. Right, Madison Square Garden. It's not a real garden. It's like a big arena where normally sports teams play.  Not in back of someone's house. It's like a real arena. I used to be in a place called Madison Square. I get all that. I know about Madison Square Garden, but I don't get is your headlining Madison Square Garden. That, I feel, I'm looking this up on the internet as we speak and I do see Liam McEnany three nights at Madison Square Garden, August 5th. Correct. And then on August 6th and 7th, Louis C.K. and Todd Barry are the opening acts. Oh, Todd, Todd got on the show. Okay, that's good. Ooh, what's that about? I feel like you kind of misled me here. Well, no, no, I just didn't know Todd was also on the show. I would have told you. No, I just feel like you entered into this interview on false pretenses. You know, it's like I've only been in LA for nine months. I haven't had that much time to accomplish anything. But let's talk about you. How'd your show QED go last night? So wait a second. So your headlining Madison Square Garden. Well, I would say, I would say, you know, I'm closing it out. It says here, star of the new HBO series, Liam. Yeah, oh, I didn't know we were announcing that. Yeah. You know, it's like, I didn't really want to do it, but then I did a judge show at LAR. You know, Judd Apatow? You meant Judd David? Hello? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Have you met Judd? Yeah. Yeah, you met Judd Apatow? Yeah. All right, so I did it. I did judge show at Largo. And are you not crying? Are you? It sounds like you're crying a little bit. No, I am. If it does, it would be because I'd be happy for you. Oh, fantastic.  I want to talk about how great. Do you think that I would be jealous of you for all this? That I wouldn't be happy? No. No, of course. I mean, you've got your memories of the Daily Show, and that's great, too.  I'm just concerned that you started this interview and you kept certain information from me about your career. And I'm worried that you thought that I would resent your success because you think I don't have enough success in my own career. So you were just kind of trying to fit in by not telling me about Liam on HBO. Well, here's the thing. I had a long conversation with Alex, Brazil. You know him? He runs Sobrist Studios. I haven't spoken to him. Have you spoken? He doesn't. I haven't spoken to him in a couple of weeks. Oh, yeah. He's always calling me just pitching his clients for different shows and jobs and stuff like that. I introduced you to Alex. Right. I think it's great that Alex and you have a relationship because that's what this business is all about. It's giving wings to youth and letting them fly. That's what it's all about. So you spoke to Alex, huh? I spoke to Alex, Brazil. He's telling me like I should hire Matt Goldich because he's a great writer. And he's like, you know, who else is a great writer is Kevin Bartini, who has a podcast on my network. And good. Good. It's that's good. Good. Because when they succeed, we will succeed. Yeah, good. Great. Yeah. And he was like, you should hire my friend. I went to college with who's never written for anything before, but, you know, he would probably be good in a writer's room. And I was like, sure, I'll take a chance on that kid. Why not? Right. So, you know, the guy at the deli across the street had a couple funny jokes and maybe he could write for your roast set next month. You're doing a roast. Well, Comedy Central's doing their roast. So Mike Myers, you know, Mike Myers from Austin Powers and Love Guru. I didn't know that they were doing a roast. Yeah, Mike asked me to do it as a favor. I can't say no to Mike. Alex, who's my producer and my manager, he probably. Oh, he's your manager? Oh, that's interesting. Oh, huh. That's interesting because your name didn't really, um, so all right. Well, OK, great. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, my name didn't. He knows that I'm being very selective about my writing work. Oh, yeah, that's right. He said something about that. Yeah. He said you really wanted to focus on your puppet show and your, your podcast. Yeah. By the way, congratulations. Cable A-Sword? Yeah. I don't know. One of those things. So how long, how long did you know about Liam being on HBO? How long did Alex know about this? I'm just kind of curious. Oh, it's just one of those things where, you know, I was at a party. Did Alex make the deal? Well, he's the one who introduced me to Lena. You know, Dunham? Yeah. She had a show on HBO for a little bit. Yes, he and her are good friends. And he's gotten a couple of people staffed on that show over the last couple of years before it went off the hair. So we went to the finale party. And I started talking to some people.   You should just have a TV show. Anyways, I mean. I told you not to move to Los Angeles because it's quicksand. Dude, you were so right. You're stuck there now. You're stuck. I mean, like I could have been. I could have been in New York City doing shows at QED. Now you're trapped. You know, living in a rent stabilized department in central Queens like I was. Now you're trapped in this endless cycle of movies and sitcoms and on the road.  And it's like, you can't really have a relationship, like a strict relationship with a woman, you know, like it's like that kind of fulfilling relationship that you want. So I'm just like dating these two women. And, you know, which is kind of, you know. Yeah, did Alex, did Alex, did Alex anything about my possibly doing a guest set at Madison Square Garden in between Todd Barry and Louis C.K. Because I'm. Oh, I love you, David. You're like the best. Like I'm like this guy who became famous. And then you're like the rag pickers that I fondly remember, you know, like giving scraps of food to. Like I feel like that's the kind of relationship we have. Right? I love it when you know, I just I love it when you make fun of me because I know you don't mean it. I'll tell you what, David. I'm offering, I am offering five minutes at my secret QED show. I'm doing a secret show QED midnight on around the time that I'm doing that I'm doing Madison Square Garden. That's all I can say legally. And I'm offering stage time to anyone who can hook me up with cocaine in New York City. You know, as fun as the Madison Square Garden gig is it's the cocaine that I'm really like it's really kind of become my my overriding interest. The show for HBO, Liam. Yes, with an exclamation point. Where are they making it? Well, we're going to film it in New York City at Buttercup over in Queens. Yes, Buttercup Studios. And also we're just going to be filming all over the city. You know, I see the that again, I'm living in Manhattan and the idea of having a get up and go take a writing job. And schlep all the way out to Buttercup Studios in Queens. I wouldn't do that to you. I would never do that. Yeah, I know when you get older, you need your rest. I get that. Yeah. You know, what's cool is, yeah, there is actually a character in the show. He's got an older show business mentor figure, like a writer. He's Jewish. His name is David. Yeah, David Leibowitz. Close, you know, kind of like one, a lot of cable plays, so words in his day. So you need somebody you need somebody you need an actor. No, no, no, Louis Black is going to play that role. But I just want to let you know that that's kind of one of the characters that's going to be on the show. So HBO's legal team kind of wanted me to tell you that if you try to sue them, they're going to destroy you.  Hey, Louis lives in Manhattan. Yeah. Well, you know, when they when they found out I was black, they were like, yeah, we'll get car service for him. Like he doesn't have to wake up a minute earlier than he needs to. We're kind of working, working around his schedule a little bit. Yeah, but there's older. Well, you know how the older folks get a little bit tired and you know, so I wouldn't want to do that to him like making feel obligated. Hope he's hope he's doing OK that he needs a gig like that to have to. Yeah, we're kind of I mean, he's going to be making a lot of money next year because we're co-headlining across Europe. Well, just seems like a shame to have to work that hard at his age. You know, it's two two hours a night. Plus, he and I are going to be actually because, you know, he got either. I like to say I like to sleep in my own bed. You know, I have my creature. So he's actually going to he's going to co-author half of the scripts for this show. A lot of writing to do to pay the bills. It's I hope he help his business. I mean, we actually steal his money. This is it's so funny. Sounds desperate. Lewis Black said it sounds like he's desperate. I don't know. Well, I guess it's just they're doing something called preemptively nominating us for an Emmy just based on both of our track records. So just chasing gold and mammon at the expense of your spiritual growth. It just seems like I agree with you. Empty experience. I wish I could be back in New York City doing QED shows again. Oh, God.  I mean, literally, there's three people in the audience. So Alex, Alex, you spoke to Alex, huh? Yeah, he's the one who hooked me up with Lewis. It's interesting because five years ago, I introduced Alex was 18 at the time, five years ago, and I introduced him to Lewis Black, which is he never would have met Lewis Black. And for me, it's kind of interesting that cats in the cradle, man. Cats in the cradle. What can I tell you? Well, you know, the great thing is because I handed Alex the script, the pilot script. He said Lewis would be great not only for the role of David. We both agree that was our first choice, but also he said, like, what you need is someone who's an experienced writer. You know, he studied playwriting at Yale, and he said, like, you need someone who's like really good at writing. You're really, really good at comedy because we were talking about you initially. Really? Then we both agreed, like, yeah, but then we both agreed. Like that would make you feel bad.  Thank you for that. And I'm being very selective.  You have your bathroom down the hall. Well, I thought you have your kitchen and when Alex said he would get me SRO, I thought he meant standing room only like I was going to sell out a club. No, he would never let you sell out. Yeah, true to your principles, man. Right. The only reason I'm in an SRO is I thought it meant standing room only. And I can't say not that I need to stay at this. Right. But it right. No, I understand you can't afford furniture for it. So technically, Anessa, you know, standing room only. So that's what I heard, but I would never. Hey, so I don't know if Alex told you about my theory about back to zero. Have you ever told you my back to zero theory about comedy? No, I feel like guys like me who get really successful. Well, obviously, you know what success is like. Oh, I'm just stepping up the rungs of the ladder. I'm not ready. I wouldn't call. I wouldn't look just because of variety or, you know, the New York Times would call me a huge success. I don't agree with that. Yeah. I mean, success is just that anyone who's above ground breathing during the day. Right. So you're new to the success game. I've been around the block and I've been successful for. A long time. You have been around successful people, right? I've been successful for a long. And I stay successful doing this back to zero thing where I do a reset. Is that like a weight loss? No, it's I do a reset to keep my comedic chops sharp. One of the things I like to do is swim around in the muck with the new guys. And it's not about the money, believe me. It's not about the money. I like. I hope not. Yeah, I'll occasionally I'll staff up and take a job, right? Just to mix it up. Very occasional. I'll mix it up with the young kids, because they keep me sharp. They keep me honest. I kind of do it on the DL. You know, DL means.  And maybe I was misled. What I meant is I I don't make a big thing out of it. I go in there, I hang out in the writing room. I work really hard. Right. I show up on time as though. Right. Like I'm just like a kid starting out. I don't make trouble. I keep my mouth shut. I'm very supportive of everybody in the room. You know, I don't create camps. You don't have to worry. You're definitely known for showing up early and leaving late and asking if there are food or drink tickets. Those are the things you are known for. My back to zero program where I just shed all my accomplishments. And I'm just a raw nerve starting out again. Get that hunger again. Get that hunger because that's what makes a man funny. My back to zero program. Occasionally I will staff up. I'll go. Writers Guild minimum. You know, I'll do I'll do the minimum. I'll keep my mouth shut. I'll work really hard. I won't make trouble. I don't have a minimum wage job. I got it. Writers Guild, you know, Union job. I don't hang out of craft services. Badmouthing the star and the executive producer really back to zeros about learning to be a team player, getting out of myself and being part of the larger fabric. That's what I like to do. The same way George Clooney or Brad Pitt will take a supporting role in an independent film to help a new director. Right. Young actor starting out. So are you? Yeah, I mean, George has been really supportive of the minimum. You're right. He's taking the minimum to have a co-starring role in my show. So I totally hear what you're saying. Yeah.  You know, I think Writers Guild minimum in any form. I think, you know, one of the things I think both of us have gotten to a point in our career where obviously Writers Guild minimum is slavery and it's insulting. But that's not why I'm going to do this for you. I'm doing it really for myself, Liam.  I mean, I hear what you're saying. I agree. I would never hire you. Right. I was thinking about it. Like it's kind of like one of those like, hey, you know, whatever happened to like I was at NBC and I was talking to some people there. And I was just kind of like, oh, what's David Feldman up to? And they told them that I was going to do your podcast. They were like, oh, yeah, David Feldman. That's a blast from the past, from the distant past.   And we agreed, you know, that like what you're doing at QED really is important, too. Right. It's important that that there's guys like you with a lot of street cred. And one of them even living on the street cred. Yeah. And one of the. Yeah. You know, one of the ways I keep my street cred is by going to work every day. Right. This back to zero thing. Right. No more than zero vision. Right. Zero. And it's just all about serving others. Right. I think you would.  Right. You would learn what humility from me. Humility is more than just spiritual. It's it's just good for business. I think my humility will go a long way. Right. What profits a man who gains the world if he loses his soul? I know exactly what you're talking about. My back to zero thing to keep me funny. Being funny is a lot about humility. A lot of like working with Chris Gersbeck and, you know, Freddie Goldstein and kind of learning from them a little bit. Yeah. Well, I learning the basics and joke writing from them and. I really need humility. Do you understand what I'm saying? I have gotten to a point where I've been so successful and things have been going so well. I'm kind of begging you. I know this sounds insane. Right. I'm kind of begging you to let me be humble before you and God. Right. You understand what I'm you understand what I'm saying that I would be. Oh, yeah. Like the the guild minimum. I'm a big union guy. You know that, right? Right. Definitely all my shows are union. Yeah. And here's the thing because I'm big with the union all for one one for all the unity. Right. We're all in this together as a right. We can do it like Rosie the River. Right. So my thing is and I'm only saying this because I'm going back to zero. This is about my humility and my support for the writer's guild in order for me to understand how important the union is. I think it might be a good idea for you to pay me a little less than writer's guild. Maybe off the books. Maybe. Oh, so that. Well, I know I know you can't do that. And it really makes me sick to even suggest this. However, I think I'd be doing my fellow union members the rank and file. I'd be doing them a favor because then I could speak from experience on what it's like to take a non union job because I think I forgot. Here's my thoughts about that is I just learned that I'm going to have to fire my writer's assistants and some of their assistants to pay for this cocaine. I'm not sure. I mean, like if I'm getting rid of assistant's assistants, I didn't even know these writers assistants had assistance. I'm freeing up this budget for cocaine. Right. And you know, I got to be honest, like there's just not going to be really once I'm done slashing the budget any room for anyone other than me and Louis Alex's friends from the deli, Priskersbeck, I got him a job and Micah Fox and Karen Fian and gosh, who else is on Jim Merrill and Barry Lang and, you know, Tony Kamene and oh, yeah, Aaron Sorkin. He's got a big fee. All right.  And so I'm looking in the budget for the assistant's assistants. Maybe if I could trim a few of those guys and maybe get a wholesale deal in my cocaine, I could afford pay you 150 and is 150. I mean, that's a lot, right? 150. What? You know, 150. 150 K. 150,000. No, no, no. K is my shorthand for a week. 150 a week. 150 a week. Yeah. A little below WJ minimum. In fact, it's so far below WJ minimum. Technically, you would be building the credits, not at all. That's a lot of humility.  I don't need to get I don't need to get that spiritual. How about something a little less enlightened? Okay, I mean, I could give you 100 a week. That's too purifying for me. That's what you mean. You want like a yoga mat? No, no, I'm saying is 100 150 a week is too much. You want? I got that. I got that. It's a 50 a week. No, no, no, no, no. I'll play a 50 week and you can have whatever's left over from craft services at the end of the shoot. My ego would just evaporate. And while that's something that we all strive for, I really think I would get the bends from that. What was that? You said 150. I think that's probably in the range of spirituality that I can. I really like that a lot. Yes. So I start when I like that a lot. When do I? Oh, no, no, I'm sorry. I thought you were talking about the bends, the Radiohead album. Well, you could, I guess, at 125 a week. Oh, that's a little... I thought we would have the kind of money in my candy budget. Hang on for one second. I really think 150 is like... 115, got it. No, 150. So at 115 a week. No, 150. I'm not doing it. It's insane that we're talking about money because this is all about my spiritual well-being. But I think 100... And it's so awkward to talk about it with a good friend. Yeah, so 150... You know, 115, got it. $150. Agreed, 115. $150 a week. 115 every other week, got it. I weekly. How about 115 a week? 115 by monthly, got it. I think you're just, you're just negotiating against yourself now, pal. Okay. I'm trying to bring you up to 115 a week. How about 115 every other week? Look, I'll be honest with you, I... Well... Normally I wouldn't make this deal, but... Right. Really starving for spirituality and enlightenment. Right. Okay, well, I'll tell you what. Yeah. You know, I told my 10-year-old nephew he could have a job. And we were going to use that money to pay him. Because he kind of had a really good idea for character arc for the last three episodes. Kind of one of the most intelligent