Welcome to the presentation everybody today. We're going to be talking about love me. Don't leave me addressing fears of abandonment So what we're going to try to get out of this presentation is a broad overview of The way that we can help clients increase awareness of their story Including beliefs about behavioral reactions to situations that trigger their fear of abandonment We'll do do this by helping them learn about what fear of abandonment is which means we've got to learn about it We will explore the concept of schemas or core beliefs and Examine common traps in thinking Reacting and in the relationships that we create not only with others, but with ourself And we will help Clients learn the skills necessary to accept their past as part of their story and how to acknowledge that their past does not have To continue to negatively impact them in the present So how does abandonment impact recovery regardless of whether you're talking about addiction or depression or anxiety? Abandonment issues can be there and they're often there in one way or another So we need to be able to address this and figure out exactly what it is that's causing dysfunctional Relationships and what it is that triggers this fear inside our particular clients Connection is a basic human need We don't just grow up and all of a sudden we can become hermits and we're perfectly fine Some people just give up, but most people need some sort of human connection Extroverts tend to need more human connection than introverts in that we draw energy from other people Introverts are just fine with one or two other friends that they see occasionally So that's going to be important to consider when you're talking about Abandonment issues and why one person develops them where another one doesn't As infants and children survival was dependent upon the relationship with the primary caregiver when a child is born When a child is two when a child is six they can't just run up to the grocery store by what they want and Come home and fix themselves food. They can't pay to put a house a roof over their head So as infants and children if the primary caregiver is not there It's the life-threatening issue. Not only are they not getting the emotional support that they need They're not learning how to identify their internal states and effectively meet their own physical and psychological needs But you know without the caregiver there, they may not eat. So this is a big big deal for children People's beliefs about other people and relationships was formed largely based on their interactions with their caregivers Now if you think about it, and we're going to talk about this more later When we're born, we don't have these huge conceptions of how the world works We learn it through observation and through experience Unfortunately as Piaget helped us learn Children especially under the age of seven don't think in terms of what are the possibilities that May explain why this happened. It's all or nothing black or white And it's focused generally on one aspect of the situation And it tends to be very concrete is Children are not able to take other people's perspectives. They're very egocentric So when these schemas are formed they tend to be very dichotomous and you're thinking now about some of the clients that you've worked with in in treatment And you say, you know one of the problems that we run into a lot is the fact that they're thinking is very dichotomous It's all or nothing. You're either here or you're not. I either love you or I hate you You can see a theme coming out here so We're going to look at these schemas and understand that the child formed the best representation of the world that they could With the skills they had at that time But an adult has had a lot more experiences an adult cognitively has developed more and can think abstractly so we need to challenge our clients to reevaluate those situations and try to separate What was very traumatic as a child from now And healthy relationships serve as a buffer against stress So in recovery We need to make sure that our clients are able to form healthy relationships with themselves And with other people and I will always come back to with themselves because if they don't like themselves If they can't support themselves Emotionally, then they're always going to be looking to others to fill a need instead of to be in a in a equal partnership We want to help people address beliefs that are formed as a result of these negative relationships And help them create a new understanding of those events, you know, maybe mom wasn't there Because yes, she was a cocaine addict and she went to jail and You know, there were a lot of things that went into it a child sees that as the child's fault because it's egocentric Mom went away. It must be be because of me Um, we need to look at it again as an adult and go well, what else might have been going on that your mom chose to use Cocaine or chose to abandon the family instead of staying Are there other options? Are there other explanations besides it was all about you? Maybe it was all about her. She was Not functioning well. She was hurting. She was desperate, you know, let's look at some of the options We want to help people better understand themselves and their reactions so they understand when they get into relationships and Maybe somebody's behavior changes or there's this little hint of discord and they like freak the freak out They will understand a little bit better where that comes from So they can make more conscious healthy decisions and how they handle it So let's talk about this abandonment experience. Remember I said it differs for everybody, but um We want to look at when it happened and what happened In childhood, like I said survival depends upon caregivers Fear of abandonment is a natural survival response. If children develop this fear It was a natural response. You put your hand on a stove. It hurts.  That's a natural response Your body wants to help you survive Your brain wants to help you survive So if the brain thinks that there's a threat of lack of safety of some sort It's going to try to do what it can To help you survive in the way that it understands it and we're talking about a six month old's brain or a six year old's brain So it's doing the best that it can with the knowledge it has Meeting biological needs and safety needs are key triggers for anxiety at any age though So there can be instances Where the abandonment issues really didn't start happening until later So we want to look and say, you know, if this person was in their teens when they had this abandonment crisis In what ways did that crisis trigger biological or safety fears that they weren't going to get those needs met When focused on survival people can't focus elsewhere think about masler's hierarchy The baseline is our biological needs right above baseline right above biology Is our safety needs we can't focus on self-esteem and relationships and all that other self-actualization stuff Until we get our basic needs met if you're hungry if you're scared if you're tired If you don't feel well, you really don't care about focusing on a lot of the other less tangible stuff So we need to help people understand that It makes sense what's going on. It's not necessarily the best reaction Now now that you're older and you have other tools we can Choose how those experiences currently impact you but It's important to understand that Right now you're reacting based on those dichotomous Schemas that you formed when you were, you know, a child however, however old you were In the insecurely attached child when a when there wasn't a parent there to say it's okay and teach the child how to self soothe Every situation is a crisis. They go from zero to 150 in the drop of a hat Because it automatically triggers those primitive survival fears Now remember schemas are the way we kind of conceptualize world the world Um When we think about perceptions and attributions when we go out into Um, you know, you go to a college campus Your schema you have a schema form that says okay on a college campus. This is kind of what I would expect to see You know young people anywhere from the age of 18 to 26 Milling around carrying school books that makes sense to me if you show up at the college campus And everybody there is over the age of 50 And nobody has any books and they're all just kind of milling around aimlessly You're going to scratch your head and go wait a minute. This doesn't make sense in my schema So schemas are basically a shortcut to help us predict what's going to happen So we aren't hit Quite as much by this the unknown, you know, I don't know what to expect when I show up at the college campus We have an idea Maybe not the right one, but we have an idea So what causes this abandonment experience in infancy and early childhood? A lot of times caregivers were away for long periods of time and I am not Trying to point fingers and say anybody's wrong or bad or anything. I just want to point out That extended absences if they are not handled well by the remaining parent Can lead to an abandonment experience and that's the key the remaining parent is able To mediate this response in the case of soldiers who go overseas. They're deployed for six months 18 months That's a really long time for a child But there are ways to handle that so i'm not saying that every child of a soldier has an abandonment experience That is so not true, but it is important to understand People who are away for long periods because of work Maybe they travel and they're they travel and they're gone for two three four months at a time again, if the remaining parent is able to Help the child negotiate and navigate especially if they're able to still contact The traveling parent It's a much different experience than if the traveling parent just disappears and shows back up whenever Um parents go to jail It happens If the child is able to visit the parent in jail It may help sometimes the child may feel rightly or wrongly that Whatever the parent did they chose to do In spite of because they loved that activity or they loved that substance usually it turns out to be addiction More than they love the child themselves. And this is a big issue. We have an early recovery with clients who have addictions Is helping them Reforge those bonds with their children who are like, well, why did you choose that over me? Some parents choose to abandon the family and you know there can be a lot of reasons for that that's a whole different class but If a parent just up and leaves goes out for cigarettes and never comes home, you know, we hear that all the time on tv skits um You know, there's not much the child can do to wrap their head around and understand why so they've got to make sense of it And then death death is hard for grown-ups to understand death is even harder In many cases for children to understand. I've known some children that seem to be wise beyond their years But they're the exception not the rule So something that causes the parent to be away physically for long periods is one um And that like I said can be mediated by the remaining parent and by the ability to have some kind of contact with the absent parent um Even when they're away. So maybe through letters maybe through um skype Whatever's available Other things in infancy and early childhood is if the parent has been inconsistently or unpredictably physically or emotionally present This is more true with parents that have some sort of emotional distress and you notice I didn't say mental illness If somebody is going through a crucial stressful period They may not be able to deal with their children if they're in extreme emotional distress. They may not be able to recognize The needs of their children at that point because they are in their own turmoil If this happens a lot Then it may cause the parent to be Unpredictably emotionally available Addiction we know the person Is struggling to deal with life on life's terms. They're trying to numb out the pain with the addiction, which means When they're using they're probably Numbed out to everything and when they're not using They're probably overwhelmed and in a state of emotional distress. So again, they're not emotionally present And then there's the case of the parent that's just ill equipped to deal with a child When you have 14 15 year olds having babies Or you have someone who has a severe and persistent mental illness Who has a child and just doesn't even know how to deal with this being We would have women in our mother baby unit one of the places I worked and they would give birth and They were raised Or they came to believe culturally if you want to say it that way.  They were just like you've got your needs met if you're crying You just need to cry it out Not so much Um, so these parents it's not that they were trying to be bad parents. They just didn't have the skills They didn't know what they were supposed to do With the children or how to react to the child when the child was crying Abandonment issues that can come up in later childhood If it's a poor family fit if the person is the black sheep of the family and We've all heard about people who've never felt like they belonged in their family or never felt like they could get parental approval That may trigger some abandonment issues If there's a trauma that ruptures the relationship with the primary caregiver Or introduction of a new less emotionally or physically safe caregiver So anytime there's abuse neglect or introduction of a new person who is Um disruptive to the family environment Can cause an abandonment experience the child may shut down As a means of protecting his or herself So the reaction reaction to fear is what fight or flee Anger towards someone who is unavailable the child may become very angry and aggressive and just cantankerous Sadness which is really a representation of the child's sense of helplessness inability to Make that person come back and fear that they are going to you know cease to exist shame about feeling needy and obviously this is more later in in teenage years adulthood where people are made to feel shameful For being needy and I guess that can be true sometimes with children Who are constantly criticized for you have to by the parent saying something like you have to be always on me Just go do something else fear of rejection isolation Fear of loss of control of the unknown and fear of failure We've talked about these before and when we talk about abandonment all of these are present If the parent leaves if the parent abandons you and I say parent it can be caregiver I'm using those terms interchangeably The child takes it as a rejection the child fears isolation because they can't you know Put on their pampers and crawl next door and make a new friend Loss of control they don't have any control over making the one person who is responsible for their existence come back That's kind of deep and failure How how must a child feel like a failure if The caregiver chooses something else over them or is constantly criticizing and telling them to go away So questions for our clients When we think about these fears of rejection loss of control a failure Feeling shameful because people made you feel needy all of these things What caused these fears for you as a child? Let's think about some instances when this happened um, and when you felt Like fearful that you were being abandoned when these things were going on How was this reasonable or helpful and I know you may be scratching your head right now going what? As a child these reactions were reasonable and or helpful in some way or another so we need to figure that out What was the survival purpose? This helps clients kind of start putting things into perspective and go okay I see how that kind of made sense um But we move to the next question. What causes these same fears or feelings now? And how are your reactions to these situations? Unhelpful because the way you reacted when you're six Is going to be different when you're 26 So we're just going to add another layer of difficulty on top of it Based on their temperament children need different types and amounts of caregiver interaction And if you've had children or you've been around children or if you've worked in a classroom You know this you know that there are children Who are wide open constantly? um Well not constantly my son when he was awake. He was wide open. I mean it was like there was no Middle ground he was either sleeping Or wide open, but he would also get easily over stimulated which would mean he would need structure And in order for him to start understanding that you know, we had to work with him to help him understand What it meant when he started feeling a certain way so he could identify before he would melt down and Do something differently? Then you have the energizer bunny and this is i'll use my kids as examples My daughter wasn't wide open She was constant, but she like I swear she never slept um when she was awake she had this steady moderate pace of Inquiry and play and everything else. I mean she was a good girl. She was she was a wonderful child But she just she never really took a break. She just kept going and going and going and you know as a parent I've got one that's wide open and all over the place and then I've got her who's an energizer bunny I'm going. Oh my gosh Sundays So I can see how parents get overwhelmed sometimes um These children require different types of interaction Hailey my daughter She really didn't need a whole lot of interaction. She was more of an introvert You know, she was inquisitive. She would read books. She would play.   They just want to share it with you Understanding what the kids need and finding a way to help them Harness that and understand their needs Um is important in early childhood. It's not like you can tell the the extroverted child No, I need two or three hours to just let my hair down. So you need to go do something watch Barney for a couple hours and we'll be fine That's rejecting to the extroverted child who just desperately wants to interact with you and learn By the same token, you know, I feel I need to put the little caveat in here It is important to pay attention to the behaviors that are being reinforced So if a child is doing something That ultimately will not be helpful or productive We don't necessarily want to reinforce that all the time. That's a parenting issue. Um, what we're focusing on is how do the child feel and how can we address those issues that may come up for the person now And schemas I talked about a little bit earlier Based on their needs and caregiver reactions children form schemas or core beliefs about the world and others If they go to mom and they ask her to play and she always says no Then they're going to learn that the world is rejecting. It's not a safe place if they fall down And mom responds right away and gives them a hug. They're going to learn the world is a safe place If they fall down and the first reaction of mom is get up brush yourself off and go back and play That's more dismissive and obviously those are two ends of a very broad spectrum But this helps children understand how people will respond when they are needy when they need to be comforted when they need some positive reinforcement How are other people going to react? Now children up to the age of seven have very primitive cognitive skills Children eight to twelve are developing these skills. We can't expect them just to magically turn eight and be like, okay I can think abstractly. That's not how it works. They start developing the ability to think abstractly So we don't want to assume that once they hit eight magically they think like an adult doesn't happen That being said children in general think dichotomously. It's all or nothing They're egocentric Whatever happens Is a result or impacts on them and they think about how it impacts them. So if it makes them sad They assume it makes others sad If it makes them scared they assume it may make others scared if something happens and People run away or people abandon them a lot of times they assume it had something to do with them By the same token children can only focus on one aspect at a time. So they can't go All right, let's consider this situation here you know mom and dad are fighting all the time and dad's been drinking a lot and he just lost his job and Um yada yada yada. So maybe dad just needed to take a time out That's not how a child thinks a child thinks Daddy's here daddy's angry all the time I wonder if I were a better child. Maybe he'd be happier Daddy went away. I guess I didn't make him happier So they're only focusing on one aspect. They're not able to abstractly think about all the potential reasons Which means that they're focused on Some very misleading information The good thing is as adults They can look at that dichotomous That dichotomy And they can start kind of pulling it apart going okay, you know, maybe that is too All or nothing Let's look at some alternatives Schemas are a broad way of perceiving things based upon memories feelings and thoughts Their memories feelings and thoughts are not wrong That's exactly how they felt. That's exactly what they thought and that's exactly what was the truth To them at that point in time. I'm not We don't want to take that away from them What we want to say is How are you going to deal with how it impacts you now? I've dealt with hundreds of clients who've had Lasting resentments and anger and abandonment issues Towards their caregivers and family of origin And that concept of forgiveness is really difficult Um, especially when there are abandonment issues and everything else going on Helping clients look at it from a different perspective and maybe look at possibilities That what happened wasn't their fault Maybe look at possibilities that the parent did not have the tools To do the job at that particular time Sometimes and you know, I'm couching this as much as I can because obviously it's not with every client But sometimes I've found this to be very helpful in Encouraging clients to take a more Um, healthy view of the present.  They center around the self's love ability Am I lovable or am I going to be isolated and living with 30 cats the rest of my life? The self am I competent can I do things can I succeed? or am I a failure and adaptability Am I adaptable? Can I deal with changes? Can I deal with the unknown? Or do I have to hold on? As tight as I can to the reins of control because I cannot deal with ambiguity These are all things that children learn as they grow up You know, that's the if you look at erickson's models, you know, we talk about trust and mistrust and Industry versus inferiority the child learns As they're growing up that they can go out and they can try things and they can explore things And yeah, sometimes they're going to fail But they can always come back to the safe welcoming arms if you will of their primary caregiver in a healthy relationship You never knew that pga and erickson would keep coming up even in, you know clinical practice Schemas that trigger abandonment fear center around others as well Our others remember we said it forms their schemas about a lot of things growing up our others Accepting or do other people tend to be rejecting distant cold and unable to handle my needs. Am I just overwhelming? Do others tend to be absent or present? Do others tend to Reward competence or do they always find fault? Are others predictable or are they unpredictable? If you have a schema that says other people are going to be rejecting They're going to be absent emotionally or physically they're constantly going to be critical And then they're going to be unpredictably available. It makes you not want to hang out with other people So then we move to how our schemas form about relationship of self to others Back to those same thoughts acceptability If I try to engage with another person Will I be deemed and will that person be deemed acceptable? Is there a way that two acceptable people can get together or our relationships always filled with rejection? If I get into a relationship Is it going to be lovable? Is it going to be one filled with compassion and caring? Or is it going to be one that's just two people kind of coexisting? If I get into a relationship with other people Is there going to be some sort of consistency? Or is this relationship going to be all over the place? If I get into relationships, you know, I never know from one minute to the next If my partner will be there And if I get into a relationship, do I have any control over whether that person stays around or not? So with all those schemas and all those things that are forming in the kid's head There are attachment styles and as they start viewing the world and others and relationships They start developing these attachment styles in the ideal situation The child develops a secure attachment style Seeks the caregiver for comfort Is upset when the caregiver leaves especially in new situations, but happy when the caregiver returns And I think I've told this story before When my son went to preschool I walked him in the first day and I had vetted the school and I felt really positive about it and everything I walked him in the first day and I handed him off to his teacher and she took his hand and very wonderful pleasant woman And uh, he cried. Oh, did he cry? So I went around the went around to the other side where he couldn't see me on the other side of the wall And I cried. Oh, did I cry? The very next day Can I tell you the very next day? I took that child to preschool. I handed him off to his teacher He grabbed her hand. He looked at me and he waved and he said bye. Bye mommy.  He feels safe in this place. He doesn't need to cry and whine Um In a secure attachment the child learns that to trust that others will be responsive And when we talk about caregivers here, we're also talking, you know As the child grows those caregivers kind of expand to include teachers and people they spend a lot of time with They learn to be self-reliant and try things but no they can return to home base if they fail or if they're scared They learn to adapt to a variety of situations because children are curious So they by nature will kind of push that envelope They learn how to deal with stress and have relatively accurate expectations of others So in a secure relationship if something happens and the child feels rejected He goes back and sits with the caregiver and the caregiver Kind of decompresses and helps him process what's gone on now. He may not understand at all You know understand everything that's being said but the takeaway message he gets is that Not everybody is always wanting to play or not everybody is always there It doesn't necessarily mean it's you Those are words to very very young children as children get older The words start to have more meaning as they get less egocentric Then we have our two problems avoidant The avoidant child has a rejecting or a harsh caregiver They just depend let depend less on the caregiver for security They show little response when the caregiver leaves or returns And the child learns not to depend on the caregiver for comfort connection or security These are the caregivers that we see That are always telling the child to go away Stop that don't do that. It's always rejecting. It's always pushing them away.  It's like well, you're not going to be there for me So, um, at a certain point even I know it's better to get no response than to get rejection all the time Ambivalent This is the inconsistent or chaotic caregiver Sometimes the caregiver is there and responsive. Sometimes the caregiver is rejecting and harsh Sometimes the caregiver is not there at all. So the child never knows what to expect Which is really anxiety provoking if you just can't even predict from one minute to the next what's going to happen The child may be clingy and demanding trying to elicit a response Remember earlier, I said, let's look at what's being reinforced Negative attention is better than no attention. So if the caregiver is kind of emotionally or Cognitively in their own little bubble and the child starts clinging and demanding and throwing a hissy fit And they get attention from the parent Guess what the child has learned this is how I get mom's attention The child is upset when the caregiver leaves but is also inconsolable when the caregiver returns Maybe Because the child is going well, I don't know if you're going to be Mean caregiver. So I should be avoidant or I don't know if when you're going to disappear again All I know is the world is out of control and I never know if you're going to be here or be gone All these things put together Create a situation where the child may develop some core beliefs about relationships and abandonment The first one is an abandonment belief all people leave That one's pretty simple Second one is mistrust people will hurt Reject or take advantage of me or just not be there when I need them So I can't trust anybody. I can't rely on anything Emotional deprivation. I don't get the love I need because nobody understands me cares about me or even tries to meet my needs Defectiveness if people knew me they would reject me think about how many clients have communicated something like this In session.  I'm not able to succeed One thing I want you to notice is the all or nothing language in these schemas all people leave It's not some people leave when they are having a bad time. It's all people leave Mistrust people will hurt and reject me period There's there's no caveats. There's no conditions. That's the way it's going to be These core abandonment beliefs are that dichotomous State right now Now we can alter those in in therapy or I mean people can do it on their own But they need to know what to start working with and what to alter we can help people Change the all or nothing language in these schemas and say okay People leave that's true But some people stay so let's look at why some people leave and why some people stay Which is kind of where we're going now. So what do we do with these clients? well when these um fears Are triggered We go to the fight or flight response so fight responses Basically communicate. You don't want to leave me because So there's aggression hostility blaming and criticizing Dominance are trying to control the other person bully them into staying. You can't leave me.   I don't care if you leave because guess what everybody leaves withdrawal physical or emotional including addiction And we can talk about drug addiction. We can talk about behavioral addictions. Basically. It's anything that can help the person escape From this pain and this fear and this anger that's being triggered by their thoughts of abandonment And distraction They will do whatever they can to distract themselves so now that we're Got all that kind of under our bells. How do we help clients deal with these core beliefs the first one abandonment all people leave Some questions that we might ask clients is What does it look like to be available if you say all people leave? Okay, so if somebody didn't leave what would that look like What does it look like if somebody is available because we don't want to just lump everybody together Who in your past left you or was emotionally unavailable? What did they do to make you feel rejected or abandoned? And what are some alternate Explanations what else was going on for that person at that time and sometimes if you go to the Cognitive processing therapy challenging questions worksheet and you can google that but It walks you through some very poignant questions to help challenge Some potentially irrational beliefs or even schemas My goal here in asking these questions of clients is to encourage them to start Looking at possibilities that it may be not everybody leaves all the time Yes, it happened in the past But Was it about you? Um Who in your past has been available to you emotionally? It may be nobody, you know, and generally that's the first response you get is no one Listen for clues throughout the therapy sessions about people who might have been there Uh, who in your present in the present, you know back there lots of abandonment in the present We want to create a situation that's not filled with abandonment. So who's available to you emotionally? And it may not be a lot of people Because my guess is and my experience is people with a lot of abandonment issues Shut people out so they don't let other people be there for them emotionally But this is something we can think about What do you do in your current relationships? That might cause people to leave Do you push them away? A lot of clients are very in tune to the fact that yeah, I get into relationships and I just I go in head over heels and I overwhelm them and it pushes them away Okay What are your alternatives? How can you avoid doing that? If you're clinging if you're you know, some people say Well in my prior relationships people have said I was just too high maintenance. I I need I was too needy I was too clingy Tell me what that looked like. Did you need to have texts every 15 minutes 24 7 365? What does that look like? If you don't get those what does that mean to you? And how can you make it so it's workable in an adult Relationship where people have responsibilities. What would be a reasonable? Step down that would still help you feel safe But not be overwhelming to the other person The mistrust schema people will hurt reject take advantage of me or just not be there Okay, so again, let's start out with the positive What does it look like if someone is trustworthy and safe because these are the people we want in our life If you start having them identify what that looks like then they might be able to say, you know My friend sally That sounds an awful lot like her People with abandonment issues even if somebody is trustworthy even if somebody is Compassionate will tend to look and see the negatives Because they fear getting hurt again. They fear abandonment So those criteria those characteristics may be there in some of their current relationships But they're overlooking them because they're seeing What they expect to see abandonment hurtfulness, etc Who in your past was untrustworthy and safe? What did they do that taught you people were untrustworthy or dangerous? And what are some alternate explanations? You know now that you look back at it We probably need to deal with whatever this issue is That created the abandonment fear as an adult. Can you understand it differently? Um, who in your past has been trustworthy and safe? Even sometimes maybe not all the time Who is in your present is available and trustworthy? We've already talked about what it looks like So now we can say okay now that you've talked about what it looks like What a safe person looks like is there anybody in your life that meets that criteria mostly? What do you do to yourself that is unsafe or dishonest? Oh, that's a big one Because most of our clients lie to themselves. I don't need anybody Hmm Do you not need anybody or are you more afraid of getting hurt than you are of being alone? So that can be a whole therapy session in and of itself, but looking at the behaviors that they do to themselves That That they lie to themselves. They hurt themselves. They put themselves in harmful situations How does distrust of other people and yourself maybe impact your current relationships? Distrust of other people you can see that suspiciousness yadda yadda distrust of yourself If people are not able to trust their own internal spidey senses Then they don't know how to interpret other people's behaviors. So their own distrust of their internal cues May negatively impact their current relationships So what could you do differently to create this situation where you trust yourself? And you can surround yourself with at least a couple trust worthy others What will that look like? Emotional deprivation. I don't get the love I need. Nobody understands me cares about me or even tries What does it look like when someone understands you and meets your needs? I always start with the beginning of how are we going to know when this problem is solved? It's almost like creating a treatment plan. So if you had someone in your life that did that, what would it look like? Who in the past failed to meet your needs and how can you deal with that now? You can't change the past Right now it's negatively impacting you. What are you going to do about it? Who in your past has understood you most everybody has somebody in their past that got them Who in your past was was that? And who in your present understands and cares about you Another big one How can you start better understanding yourself and taking care of you? So remember we talked at the beginning of the presentation about the fact that people with abandonment issues often tend to act in ways and relationships That they realize are not really productive, but they don't and they don't understand why they're doing it But they feel Just terribly driven to do it the anxiety and the fear just is overwhelming Helping them understand themselves Is a big step Helping them be compassionate with themselves and not telling themselves.  Well, first you got to know what your needs are and that's going to be a big issue for a lot of our clients to realize What is it that I need in a relationship? It's not going to be disney princesses. So what are we going to read? What do we really need in a relationship? defectiveness if people knew me they would reject me Okay So how will you know when you're accepted or acceptable? A lot of this goes to self-esteem work Helping them understand What about them is lovable and also helping them understand that nobody's perfect Um Who in your past made you feel defective? Were they always pushing you away? Were they always criticizing you?  I was just So beside myself So she never knew what to expect from her mother. She couldn't trust her And she always knew that whatever she did whatever she chose was going to be wrong So we have to look at All right, so are your choices always wrong or does this have more to do with something With your mother's stuff How can you silence those old tapes? Sometimes we hear stuff that people said to us when we were children About being not good enough about being defective How do you silence those old tapes and say you know what? That's not me anymore Or that doesn't matter Maybe i'm still not good at it, but it doesn't matter Who in your past has been accepting and supportive Who in your present is accepting and supportive and it may be Um Between different things you may have somebody at work who's accepting and supportive of what you do at work You may have somebody in your family or your friends who's accepting and supportive And you guys just enjoy taking your kids out to the park and hanging out together It may not be an across-the-board accepting and supportive Especially if the person's not in a long-term relationship with someone and has divorced themselves At least you know theoretically speaking From their family of origin So we may need to look to find Where the acceptance and support is coming from and figure out ways to increase that And how can you start accepting yourself realizing that you're not going to be perfect all the time Failure. I don't measure up I'm not able to succeed. So what does it look like to be successful? My definition of success And one of my friend's definition of a success are very very different I'm not going to say that that person's definition is wrong Because that's their definition But it's very different. So what does success look like to you?   What are you good at in the present?  Oh, well anybody could have done that Come again We want to encourage clients to pay attention to that and not minimize their successes Ask them what it looks like in terms of being Successful in relationship with other people Ask them who are three successful people you know and what makes them successful in your eyes You can have them talk about whether success equals happiness So if success means being the richest and having the biggest house on the block does that mean if you get that are you going to be happy? What does How does that equate? Another way of asking it and these are all different ways of kind of asking the same question So you can be a politician for a while What do your kids need to do to be successful? You know if they have one standard for themselves And another standard for everybody else and they're holding themselves to a higher standard than they would hold anybody else to Which often happens This is something that we want to point out Because as long as they're telling themselves, they're a failure and they don't measure up. That's what they're going to project triggering relationships A lot of times people with abandonment issues get into relationships that are unhealthy um Or they may get into relationships that are healthy that don't last long because they are so unhealthy Either way if they get into a relationship and any of these behaviors come out It will likely trigger abandonment issues If they're in a relationship with an abandonor someone who's unpredictable unstable or unavailable You can see where that can be a problem Now it's important to remember that everybody is going to be unpredictable at times But it's whether it's a pattern or an exception Getting into a relationship with someone who's abusive. They're untrustworthy unsafe The depriver is detached or withholding The devastator is someone who's always judgmental rejecting and critical And the critic is also critical, but also highly highly narcissistic always putting themselves as perfect and painting you as Anything but So questions we want to ask clients How do you exhibit these behaviors because guess what they probably have some of these behaviors in their repertoire? They can start working on them now. So they don't create the same negativity in future relationships In what ways are these present in your current relationships? Sometimes people with abandonment issues will be highly critical In order to keep other people kind of at bay Um, in what ways were these present in your primary caregiver relationships? So we want to look at patterns Because patterns can be undone behavioral triggers Abandonment or mistrust can be triggered if there's a change in someone's behavior And it may have nothing to do with the relationship But a person with abandonment issues will be like you used to call me every day And it's been 36 hours and I haven't heard from you So you must be getting ready to leave Not getting constant reassurance if that's something that is in that relationship or Maybe they don't even get that far in relationships because if they get into a relationship and three days into it They're not getting constant text messages They're like well that person doesn't like me or that person's unavailable And they sign them off The other person's relationships feel threatening So if you're in a relationship and your friend your significant other Wants to go out with other friends or talks about friends at work and those always feel threatening It may be a behavioral trigger for core abandonment issues And if you're hyper vigilant if the person's hyper vigilant to rejection and disconnection and they see it in everything their partner does That's probably a result of abandonment schemas that need to be addressed Questions for clients How is this threatened you in the past? When someone's behavior has changed How has it caused this situation that actually was dangerous or hurtful in the past because that's where you learned it from That's why now when somebody's behavior changes.  I don't want to go down that road again What are some alternate explanations for the current situation? And what would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors now defectiveness and failure And i'm going to pick up the pace a little bit because we're running short on time criticism unexplained time apart Absent or inconsistent reassurance and failure. So questions for clients Again, how is this threatened you in the past? What are alternate explanations and what would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors now because something in the past Taught them that when they get criticism It means they're about to be abandoned Envisioning activity. I love this one because it's positive What is a healthy relationship look like if someone is present instead of abandoning you if someone accepts you instead of rejects you If there's emotional support and compassion versus emotional availability, what does that look like? If somebody's trustworthy, what does that look like if somebody's safe? What does that look like so what does a healthy relationship look like to you? And how can you create this relationship with yourself? You need to be present consistent for yourself accepting Compassionate trustworthy and safe to yourself Before you can start really interacting healthfully with other people And then how can you work on creating this relationship with others? What can you do differently now in order to? Develop the relationship you want Mindfulness questions people need to remain mindful of what they're feeling and what's triggering it So they can address those abandonment issues as they come up because they will be triggered from now until dune's day And as they learn to deal with them as they learn to address them, they will have less power each time They need to ask themselves. Am I safe now? If not, what do I need to do to get safe? Is this bringing up something from the past? If it is okay, how is this situation different? How am I different now than I was back then? And or how can I silence my inner critic? How can I silence that alarm system going off? Finally Since I'm feeling kind of wonky and is being triggered by these abandonment issues, whatever they are, we've answered all those questions What would be a helpful reaction that moves me towards my goal? Of having a healthy safe consistent relationship and a more positive emotional experience instead of this constant Anxiety and worry So core beliefs about self others in relationships are formed in early life Due to children's lack of knowledge other experiences and primitive cognitive abilities. These core beliefs are often dichotomous which creates problems in later life Core beliefs can be formed around events and experiences outside of conscious memory And identifying and being mindful of abandonment triggers in the present can help people choose alternate more helpful ways of responding


Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of our Pokemon Battle Series. We are here again. It is the Moon Series. We kicked off this week with this team. It is on your screen right now which is Cure and Wide Arcanine. Sogaleo, Tapulele, Abomasno and Manabas. So we've got a few different interesting picks here. We've got the Arcanine then instead of the Incineroar and that was requested from loads of people that are like don't play Incineroar anymore. So we're playing Arcanine. An Arcanine is not bad. It's got bulldoze. It complements the Sogaleo with that weakness policy that we can get speed control from and stuff like that. We've got the Manabas that we've replaced this week. It's doing a really nice job doing lots of good things in the team. We've got the Abomasno to disrupt Kyogre which has become a big problem for the team without it. And then the two restricted Sogaleo, Cure and Wide, Cure and Wide has got the Z move. It's just ridiculously powerful. It's a great crowd on Ivelto, Stomper. So hopefully we can get some of that action into it. Scofflele rounding up the team but that's about it. Let's crank on some music. Let's just remind you all, as I always do, if you enjoy the content, please leave a like. Just down there hit the like button. Subscribe to the channel though so you don't miss any of these daily episodes, guides that we have out. Cobro's Cup, loads of different things, stream stuff, everything. Or VGC and some not so VGC but it's all good. Hopefully you enjoy it. But leave your comments in the comment section below because that's the main thing. And let's just get into this Friday episode. We might make some changes over the weekend to the team so if you've got any suggestions with what you'd like to see going forward, let me know and we can make those changes and try them out because it is a two fun week period. We'll be back to something more standard next week. And again, if there's standard teams out there that we haven't featured yet on the channel that you would like to see going forward, let me know in the comment section. I'll make sure to try and feature them the best we can. But hopefully it doesn't take too long to find opponent. Are we going to just stick with TrainerVision1? Sometimes it's nice to just stick with that original soundtrack. Sometimes it is and I think this is a day for it. Tapu Master is our first opponent of the day.  They have to have a tapu in their team, it would be disappointing without. Incinero, Kyogre and Amungus. So let's see what we can do here. Alright, we've got Trick Room, Heavy Trick Room. I feel like Mandibus is going to do a decent job in this match. The problem is the Tapu Koko and the Alolom Raichu that do threaten it pretty hard. So we have to be very careful around both of those. There's also the Trick Room element that could come out as well, Term 1. I think what I might do is lead off with Mandibus, Tapu Lele. I think we need a bomber snow, full show. Thing is, if we go down the Mandibus route, we're kind of not bringing a restricted Pokemon. We need to bring a restricted because we need to be able to match up against these Pokemon as best we can. So we could leave Mandibus for sure. We could bring Arcanine, Tapu Lele as a lead, with a bomber snow on the back, and Curum. Because I don't really know how much Silver Leia is doing here. Whereas Curum kind of resists the electric type attacks. Amungus is a bit of an issue though. But we have a bomber snow, who did so well in yesterday's episode. And I'm pretty sure he's going to do well again today. A bomber snow is one of my favourite Pokemon as well. I said this about every Pokemon, I'm sure you think. I said this about every Pokemon, but genuinely, a bomber snow. 2010, one of my first national championships ever. Went there, went to the UK, and came third, and had a bomber snow on my team. And ever since then, I've been a big fan of it. We're going to see the Raichu and the Tapu Coco come out from my opponent here. We're going to see actually a Scarf Tapu Coco, which is super interesting. But we do get rid of the electric terrain, which is just as interesting. I want to say how many Fly and Resist my opponent has on their team. Not many, none at all. So both of those here is very good. We could also snipe the Coco, because it probably stays in. It could dazzle as well. It's not a bad option. But we could preserve Tapu Lele for later. We kind of disguised the fact that we are Scarf, though. And we will get the jump on this Raichu, which just were not fast enough. We haven't got an attack to take down the Raichu. I don't think a Moonblast is quite enough. Whereas we can take down the Tapu Coco for sure. Probably switches out, though. But actually, a help and hand Moonblast will be enough. So if we can be fast enough to click in on the Raichu, that will do. Probably help and hand. What am I thinking about? We're not thinking about all the options we've got here on this team. We'll go Vault Switch out, so it's out. So it can bring the terrain back in, probably. Ooh, Thunder! Out with the rain!   I'm surprised it hits. So well, you're crazy. And the paralysis, that's not very nice. It's not nice at all. We should get the Raichu with the help and hand Moonblast. Yeah, easy. Now we've revealed we scuffed. Now we could be in a bit of trouble because the Kyogra could come in. But we know the Kyogra is not scuffed. It is the Duskman Necrosma, which probably has a weakness policy. But it probably will try and go for the trick room, I'd imagine. So what we could do is bring in... This is a problem when we've not brought Sogaleo against this thing, especially with Arcanine. We don't want to go full. We could just roll it out, I guess. Bring in Curem. I kind of don't really... Do we want to bring in Curem? Curem's not bad. And we could Flareblitz. But it's going to trick room. And I think that... It's going to trick room. 100% going to trick room. I can't allow it to get the trick room up. Kyogra coming in. 100% trick room from that darn pesky dog of a Necrosma over there. We could argue it's a bird because it looks like it has got wings. It could be a bird. Bird up. Necrosma. So let's see. Yeah, it's gone for the trick room. Denied. Doesn't really help our situation right now, though, does it? But we can pretty safely go full. Oh, well, we can switch in. We can totally switch in. We can go earth power into the cocoon, switch in a bomber snow. This is why we've got it. A bomber snow. Come to the field. Save us from this Kyogra. And it's nasty, nasty rain. So we'll get the abomas now in. Our Sasha's undoubtedly going to be broken here. There's the thunder. It still hits. I can't believe this. It's into bomb. A bomb now.  Take it. We'll get the coco here. I'm going to see a water spell. Or a z move. One of the two. Ice beam. Ice beam. We've got the double blizzard as an option here for the freeze hacks. We could do that. Freeze hacks. At least we win the weather war. I guess that's the big thing here, isn't it? I just don't feel like an earth power in a bulldoze. It's going to be enough to take down this thing. It's blatantly got. Blatantly got. I mean, I wonder. I wonder. Z... I... Thing is, I know the Z move does a lot of damage. Earth power is probably not going to do as much damage. And the Kyogre probably protects it. And the trick room goes up. Where we could use this time to just get as much damage on this Nekrozma as possible. And try and get a freeze if we can. Double blizzard Z move. Let's do it. Kyogre protects. Kyogre is protecting. I'm sorry I keep saying Kyogre. I should stop saying that. I'm just messing around. If those of you that don't know. I do know how to say Kyogre properly. But I just like the sound of Kyogre. Kyogre. And we are going to see the Z move. We're going to get it in the Nekrozma. I mean, it would be amazing if Abomasno just freezes this thing here. I mean, we're getting deep freeze now. Okay. Double blizzard would have been better. Double blizzard would not have been better. Earth power would have been the better play. But we can stall out this trick room, right? We can totally stall out the trick room. We can totally stall it out. We can do it. Okay, so let's switch into Arcane 9. I think you probably got... How do we actually keep the curemen and get rid of the duskmen? Because I think you target the Abomasno that actually threatens the Kyogre. So I'm going to switch in Arcane 9 for Aboma. And Earth power this Nekrozma. Because I think if you're logical, you take down the Abomasno that's threatening your Kyogre. Because otherwise, it's going to just ruin you. Water spout. Unless this ruins, this will ruin us. So we've got no option there. Oh no! I don't think we can do nothing now since you're straight. This will take us down. Oh no! We should have kept Abomasno in and just grass knotted. Grass knotted. I mean, at least we've got an Intimidate onto the duskmen. I think we have to double the Tector Abomasno. I think we've shown our hand. We've shown that we're scared of the duskmen Nekrozma right now. With Abomasno. But my opponent's not bothered about it. That's the weird thing. More bothered about the curemen. Which I guess makes sense because it's the one thing that could potentially take down the Nekrozma which you want to remove because it's your wincon. So we could potentially protect Abomasno. They do know that Lele's scarf though, or they should do. So they could just attack into that. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I'm going to protect.  If we get this off, we can win this game. If you go Stone Steel Strike into the Abomasno, or Fortran Geyser, we can win this game. Is it Ice Beam? No! Why are you picking every right... I don't think we take this in minus one either. We're just not going to be able to do this. It's not fair. It's not fair. I'm seeing it. Alright. We can go for the double protect.  And you find yourself really tied with how... You can deal with it if you haven't got the right trick room checks in your team. Hail Stops. Which isn't any help to us. Can we get a triple protect? Or are we going to lose to the Tapu Master? I mean, if we lose at all, I don't mind losing to the Tapu Master. It's one of them we don't mind losing. I've almost now could win this though. Come on. Not off to the best of starts today. Moonlight. Moonlight Nekrozma. That's interesting. I've never seen that before. Okay. I mean, we could get a double freeze. Hit Blizzard out of hail. Double freeze. That could win us the match. We could still do this. Kyogra protecting. Blizzard connecting. Oh, come on. We just want one break. Come on, RNG. RNG hates us. Whoever controls the RNG out there in this mystical world of RNG-ness, they really don't like me. I've done something to upset them. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I upset you. I upset you. Just reset the switch. Make the RNG fair. I mean, it wouldn't have been fair. If my opponent got frozen there and we hit it, Blizzard double blaze, double freeze. That's not fair. That's probably why they're like, no, you don't deserve this. Good game to my opponent. I think we could have won that one. Definitely, then the Sougalail for us would have been a better choice, especially with the Y God at the end there and then the knockoff against, I think the Curem was not the right pick in that match. And that's just down to team preview for ourselves. But we live and we learn. And we go forward and we get better. So we take it into next week. All improved and shiny. And we do amazing things. So we'll go on to our next episode, next match of the episode. And this will be the one to round it up and finish us off for this week. Let's go with Giovanni music against our next opponent, who's from Japan. A team of Cizer, Tabakoko, Zernius, Incineroar, Ludicolo and Kyoga. So we've got the restricted pairing of Zernius and Kyoga. That's a restricted pairing we struggled with quite a lot recently. So hopefully we can overcome it in this game. Tabakoko is going to be there for the terrain control. We've got Incineroar, Ludicoloar for fake-out support to help set that Zernius up. Protect it. You've got this Cizer as well. It's going to be a bit awkward to deal with because it does threaten Tabulele, our bombers now. Curem, but we do have that psychic terrain. So we need to make good use of that and make sure that we are protecting ourselves from those priority bullet punches. Right. Now let's get into this one. Right. I think they bring the Koko because of the importance of their fake-out and their priority bullet punch on the Cizer. So it is disrupt our psychic terrain. I do expect the Koko to come out. Whether it leads or not, I don't think so. I think it doesn't lead. I'm going to lead off with... What do we do? I think we lead off with Lele for sure. And I think we probably want Lele and Mandibas, Mandi. Let's bring them for sure. We need a bomber snow and we're going to bring Sogaleo or Curem. Sogaleo. We left the last game. I feel like it's feeling left out. Let's bring it this game. It's so good against that Zernius. And leaving it at home would be the wrong thing to do. Curem, you can sit this one out and we'll get into this next one and end up the week. It's been fun this week. I hope at least out of everything. I know sometimes it's nice to always see really competitive games and things like that but I hope on a side note you've enjoyed this week. It's been a bit lie hearted, a bit fun. We've done some really quite useful things, I think, in looking at what aspects of games and teams that you need to look at to change things up going forward. So hopefully it's been useful as well as entertaining as well for you guys. We are going to see the ludicolor of the coyote come out for my opponent. I'm going to proc that psychic seed and then the rain appears. Tabalela is in a nice position now to just throw out a side shock. I think we need to just refresh ourselves to see if there's any dog types in the back. There is the Incineroar, of course. There would be a bit of a pain but I am going to just side shock into the Coyote and I'm going to tell when I really need to stop saying that. Just say Coyote. Imagine if I get asked to cast again sometime soon and I'm like, and the Coyote and everyone's like you're sacked, you're fired. That's what the response would be. Let's see what my opponent does. They can obviously fake out the manabas because it's not attached to the ground and the pink jelly is not protecting us here but we can get some damage on to the coyote if it doesn't switch out and it's obvious that we are scarfed as this Coyote is not... Okay, so we're just seeing this happen. We're going to get a side shock and do some big damage into that coyote and it's going to go for a Z move though. Madman! Where's it going? They're going to take down a Tapulele. It makes sense if it does chase it down because the psychic terrain, once you overwrite that then scissor comes in and does a remarkably good job but the hydrovoltax into the manabas which we probably take with that after that psychic seed boost maybe, do we? No. No way! We're not taking that any time soon. I think it is a nice time to bring good old Abomas9 throughout some cheeky little blizzards. Oh, is it time? Or is it time to Baldur's and bring in Sogaleo? The only problem with that is I do worry a little bit about getting Skald burned on the Sogaleo, but I mean... I think the Kyogre switches out. I think the Incineroar comes in and I wouldn't be surprised if the Xerneus came in as well but we've got to do something. We've got to do something. So I'm going to go for it. Kyogre switching out, Incineroar. Scissor! Okay, it's Sissy. Sissy baby! Skald, this is the problem. Please don't burn us, because this would be... No! We talked about it too much and it happened. I mean, we'll get rid of those... those burn. So frustrating, isn't it? So frustrating.  It's that RNG man. It's the mythical RNG man. He's hating down on us right now. At least we can throw out some blizzards still. There's always risk of the Kyogre coming in but I think superpower into the scissor and a blizzard is an a bad option. We talked about the risk of switching Incineroar into the burn. We went for it, regardless and we got punished. Ludicolor going to switch out. Is Kyogre going to come in? It is Kyogre. Okay. Can we hit a blind blizzard? That's what we need. We really need to. Super power. Come on, Abomas. No, you didn't hit the last one. We need you to hit this one. We need you. We need you to hit this one. Please hit it. Okay, I don't mind that. Okay, that does nothing to scissor. Bug bite. Oh dear. The burn is going to take us down. It's all gone pitong. It's all gone very, very wrong. But we are faster than the scissor so I think a combination of dazzling gleam it's just a problem of the cocoa being in the back and the fact that we need to dazzling gleam and blizzard and that's still probably not enough to take down the scissor and it's probably got a berry and I think we lose this one. Ah, never mind. Some good things to look at going forward in this. Okay, it's the Incineroar. It's the Incineroar. I mean if, yeah, this is alright. This isn't bad. It's just our psychic turn will run out at some point and then that scissor becomes very, very dangerous. You know what?  It gives blizzard users such a bad name. Cure them white on the other hand. Sitting on stream last week. Blizzard in, blizzard in, blizzard in.  Whereas a bomber snore, he's cousin here letting the team down. Letting the team down. Big style. Clings Rock. King's Rock, Jesus. Can we get a double freeze? No? We're not going to get a double freeze. I mean we hit the bomber. Incineroar, can we get one freeze? No.   A bomber snore, why are you letting us down? You're one of my favorite Pokemon. This is not how we roll at Osiris Studios. Come on. Incineroar, please knock off my Lele. Please. So we've got access to Hidden Power and all the other nice options that we've got. Cizzas is just going to come back in now though and just slam dunk everything. So Skull coming up from the Ludicolo there. We need a double, we hit. A bomber snore, you hear me? Can we get a freeze? I mean a bomber snore is pretty bulky, right? It doesn't do a bad job. It's taking it, Axe. But Cizzas are going to come in now. Our only hope is, like we've got, pretty much no hope. Pretty much no hope because the Ludicolo definitely targets the Lele and the Cizzas definitely bullet punches the bomber snore. Bullet, bill. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. But fun nonetheless. So good game to my opponent. We are going to end it up there, guys. It's been an incredible week. We'll be back on Monday with some changes to the team going forward. We'll look at some aspects of the team. I'm going to look back at all of the episodes this week and just really summarise what my thoughts are. And we'll come back into next week and we'll have a real crack at making this cure on white work. Might mean changing a lot of items on a lot of different Pokemon and going down different routes with things. But we'll come back with a completely different team. As always, this team is in the description. So if you want to try it, let me know. Hope it works out well. And we'll be back next week. So until then, guys, take care of yourselves and bye-bye.


Everyone a special welcome here to the 2022 Homecoming. This is a special time for many of us who get to renew a lot of passion, a lot of relationships, the spirit that really makes the University of Alabama a special place. Homecoming's a special time here at the University of Alabama and for many, it's that annual opportunity to see what's new while also rekindling friendships from the years gone by. From some who are experiencing their first Homecoming this weekend, Alabama style, it'll be the realization that once you're a member of this great Crimson and White family, you are family indeed forever. As we are here tonight, I encourage us to reflect upon the homecoming motto this year, Legends Live Forever, because at the University of Alabama, legends are made and they never die. So many things have changed since I graduated in 1997, but the one thing that will never change about Alabama is that it is home. So let's do our part by showing up at Bryan Ditton Stadium to cheer on Coach Saban and the team. Happy Homecoming and Roll Tag. It is absolutely electric. There is excitement, there's spirit, there's family, there's nothing more we could ever ask for. It's fantastic. Oh, it's Mississippi State. Yeah, homecoming. It's a remains game. Got to come. We are from New Jersey. So when our daughter decided to come to the South, we thought, oh, that's so far. And now we're so grateful because we've never been a part of something so awesome to see people come back here after year. We plan on coming back here after year. We're gonna bring our children here and our grandchildren here. This place is fantastic. We could not imagine anywhere else at the University of Alabama. Roll Tag! Roll Tag! Roll Tag! Everybody on an absolutely gorgeous night in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The Alabama Crimson Tide, taking on the Mississippi State Bulldogs, the oldest rival in Alabama football history. Still buying time, directed traffic. Lines up, throws wide open, Earl. Touchdown, Alabama! 30 yards plus on the score and Alabama gets on the board first. One side to Gibbs, he'll run right side. 15, 10, 5. Touchdown, Alabama! Jameer Gibbs! They get the snap off, they throw but it is fatted away. It ain't complete, and Alabama takes over on downs.


Welcome to part five days eight and nine of my Facebook Marketplace live dropshipping case study where I show you guys everything that I'm doing on my Facebook Marketplace dropshipping account so that you guys can get inspiration to do the same for yours and have your own success story. And in days eight and nine I already managed to get 29 sales on my Facebook Marketplace store and I will show you those products and where I got them from. I'll also show you how customer service helped me get some more sales so quick intro and let's go. Alrighty let's get the show on the road what happened on the fifth part of our Facebook Marketplace live case study on days eight and nine let's jump right into it one second before that if you're new to our YouTube channel this is the part where you need to subscribe to always stay updated on all of the latest and all of the hottest topics that we have coming out in the world of dropshipping so subscribe to our videos hit that like and share this video if you appreciate the value so that your friends and family can also learn about the wild and amazing world of dropshipping. So what happened on this fifth part of the case study let's go ahead and take a look. So here are the products that I have on my store through my AutoDS account if you've watched the previous videos you'll know exactly how I'm adding these products and as you see I've got 80 products on my store now so on days eight and nine 80 products on my store that's an average of almost 10 products added per day from my virtual assistant here is a product the flying ball infrared as you can see here and as you can see here on the right side the sell IDs or the source IDs where I'm getting these products from the last set of products that I added to my Facebook Market Play Store is from Banggood as you can see right here I just clicked on the source link and I went straight to the source product site so as you can see all of these products are from Banggood and the reason for that is because Banggood gives us UPS USPS and FedEx tracking labels and we need that so that Facebook can see exactly what's going on with our packages and will get our payments much faster that way that's a quick tip for you if you're wondering which suppliers you should use when drop shipping on the Facebook Marketplace Amazon is also okay but sometimes they'll give you shipping carriers that are not what I just mentioned and then it'll be hard for the buyer to track his progress to track the progress of his delivery and see what's going on with this package and if he opens an item not receive case it's going to be harder for you to prove that the product did reach its destination so in the last set of items that I added to my store through my virtual assistant I went with Banggood now I want to talk a little bit about customer service because customer service really helped me get some sales here are my listings under my Facebook store you can see that flying ball that we just saw in Banggood and I have 11 orders waiting to be shipped now as you can see down here I have a couple of messages one customer asked me right here her name is Irene does it say how much they will load and what you can stick to it like paint wallpaper etc this is a 27 piece wall clip hanger so basically what Irene here wants to know is when we're using these wall hook hangers what is the maximum amount of capacity that these wall hooks can hold and also what type of products can we put on those wall hooks so what I simply did what is that was I used AutoDS to get to the supplier's light really quickly on that same product and give her the answer from there so here I pasted the answer application can be used on a variety of surfaces such as glass cabinets etc very stable very powerful with more product information there so I don't need to read it here you can see the answer that I gave her down here and you can see right after that she wrote I just ordered them so that's another sale that I got really easily by simply giving her an answer that I had on my supplier's site so what happened here was a customer simply asked a question on one of the products what I did was I went to my suppliers website to get the answer from there and I gave her the answer through Facebook chat now if you guys watch my previous videos on the Facebook marketplace I mentioned how the customer service there is really great because when a buyer has a problem or if they simply want to ask any question about the product before purchasing they simply reach out to you using Facebook chat and then they can see that they're actually interacting with a real human and not some robot so it gives them more confidence to reach out to you and ask any questions before they actually go and buy and here is a perfect example for that once you give them the answer they'll have the confidence to go and purchase here is another customer who wrote do you have more how much will I pay if I buy more than one this is for the white led product that's actually a bestseller on my facebook store I will show it to you soon and in this case I'm not profiting so much so I couldn't give him a any type of discount but if you do have enough profit margin like 40% and up I'm working at this point with a lower profit margin because I want to get this store to start working but now that we reached almost 30 sales in just eight days I'm ready to start turning up my profits just like I'm doing on my ebay dropshipping stores Shopify and other marketplaces same thing goes here now is the time to up those prices and profits now I'm going to open up my notifications so you can see not just how many products are selling but how fast they are actually selling on my store so let me click on my notifications right down here and as you can see eight hours ago 12 hours ago 13 hours ago 14 hours ago 15 hours ago 16 hours ago 18 hours ago so almost every hour I have at least a couple of sales and you can see that through here through my notification screen over there you'll also see when buyers are sending you messages so always be sure to check out your notifications and see what's happening on your facebook marketplace store now I'm going to click on shipping order so that you guys can see what products are actually selling on my store so here are those warm crotchet hooks the white led outdoor witch keikilani here as they question and as you see those two products are actually my best sellers out of all the products that I tested so far and as you can see people are also buying more than the quantity of one like the warm crotchet hooks for example are being sold for $15 but here you can see the latest sell is for $30 because someone bought two same thing goes for those white led lights they cost $35 for the quantity of one and as you can see here someone bought it for $70 because they bought two units so that's another thing that I recommended in my previous videos to add more than the quantity of one on these best selling products that you're getting from your suppliers and if you guys still don't know how to research for the right products to sell on the facebook marketplace watch our facebook marketplace videos on our youtube channel and you'll learn everything now let's take a look at the profit margin for one of these best selling products let's go with the white led light outdoor solar power lights right here so I found it on auto ds I'm just going to click on the source id to see it on my supplier site in this case it's banggood so as you see here I'm buying this product for $26 and 24 cents and I'm selling it respectively for $35 the only fee that I'm paying here is a 5% transaction fee from the buying price from $35 I'm paying that to facebook and the rest is my profit here is the product that I sold twice as you can see quantity two for 35 bucks a pop that's $70 total in just one transaction so those two products are my best sellers out of all of the 29 products that sold in the last eight to nine days when I first created this account and as you can see customer service also helped me out here one last thing that I want to show you guys before I wrap up this video if you guys want to know how to add virtual assistants that will help you run your drop shipping stores just like I have going on my account all you need to do is on auto ds click on settings on the left side then click on the users tab on the top and here you want to add your first virtual assistant user for this feature to be enabled first make sure that you have it activated on your plans and add-ons the VA users here on the bottom once it's activated on users click on add user and add your first virtual assistant as you can see here you can give them privileges to what you want on your store so for example you can let them view and edit your active products delete drafts view and edit orders handle customers messages and cases and more so here for example I'm going to give my VA a name her email address give her a password give her privileges on some of your stores all of your stores or one store what things you want them to have access to on your stores all right so once your virtual assistant account is ready simply give them the login information that you created right here and they can already go log in and start working on your Facebook marketplace store I hope that you guys enjoyed this video if you ask me getting 29 sales and just a little over a week from creating the account is actually great progress for a new drop shipping store I hope that this video will give you guys inspiration to go ahead and start for yourselves I'm going to leave links to full Facebook marketplace tutorials under this video so that you can learn more from A to Z if you haven't gotten started yet good luck with your Facebook drop shipping stores see you in the future videos


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I've done it again. Oops, aye. Oh, look at yourself. You think you're good, don't you? And in this video, I'm gonna be testing the giant propel versus the windspace up this climb, so stick around for that. So welcome back to Friday vlog series where today, I'm at Giant Brisbane in Queensland, Australia, and look, I've recognized that I think I've got a problem because I'm about to buy my fourth new bike. So part two of this video will be what I'm gonna be doing about my bike buying problem, but part number one, I wanted to share with you why I'm buying a giant propel. And before we get into part number one, I wanted to demonstrate to all the naysayers, all the negativity I get that I'm in bed with the mainstream brands and I get given bikes, et cetera. Cam is so in bed with all the mainstream brands, and let's not even get started on the whole windspace thing.  That I'm actually at a retail store and I'm gonna be buying a giant propel at the recommended retail price because they weren't having a bar of my negotiations. So let's get into it. What's the matter if you need it? Huh? Sorry. What's that? Oh, you're not here to do the sign writing? No. Oh no. Stukes, so can you confirm exactly how much I'm paying for the bike today? Yeah, it's 5 2 9 9, which is the recommended retail price for the propel advanced one. Yeah, okay, and I tried to negotiate with you. How come you weren't having a bar of that? A valid video stocks really hard at the moment, so it's hard for us to actually be able to play with the price at the moment. Same speed play pedals as when I weighed the windspace. So I bought this giant propel advanced disc one at full recommended retail price, not because I wanted to, these bikes are just hard to get, I was forced to, and I bought it because of many of you out there, and there are two parts to that equation. Part number one is with people watching my videos, supporting my work, it's meant that I've been able to get channel sponsors on board, and by doing that, I can now reinvest more into cool projects on the channel, like this one right here, and that is a good segue into thanking today's video sponsor, Bing Surfshark. Meet Old Mate, we can't show you Old Mate's face because he's a little different.  As you can see, Old Mate's internet behavior is erratic, but what you may not be aware of is that Old Mate's privacy and security is covered using Surfshark's award-winning VPN. However, when Old Mate first heard about a VPN, he was a little skeptical.  Good question, Surfshark's VPN encrypts your internet traffic and disguises your online identity, making it very difficult for third parties to track your activities online and steal your data.  Thus, you can also be safe on public Wi-Fi's with Surfshark, while unlocking the major Netflix country libraries and Old Mate's favorite Surfshark's protection means that nobody can find where you're connecting from. Thus, you can find the best deals. Look at what we have here, a hundred bucks less. Check out the link below and enter the promo code CAMNICALLS to get your 83% off with three months extra for free when you sign up to the 24-month plan. And the second part of that equation is we wanted to compare the Chinese carbon bike I purchased at the back end of last year being the Winspace Tour mainstream brand within the same price bracket and pretty much the same geometry or size. As you can see here on Geometry Geeks, there's a few minor discrepancies, but mostly the same. Now it should be noted that the Winspace with hyperwheels and the Winspace Aero handlebar is $3,670 AUD. That's without a group set and all the bits and pieces you need for a bike. So it's fair to say the Winspace at a full bill would be around the $5,000 AUD mark, which is essentially what we have here. This giant propel, which comes in at $5,300. And this bike was requested by many channel supporters in the Winspace First Impressions video I made to be the bike I used to fairly compare against the Winspace. So which bike is better? The giant propel or the Winspace T1500? That is a question I will be answering in future content, however, for this video. As you can see, I'm at the bottom. Of a little testing ground I use here in Nusa. This is Gindia Drive, a closed road, which is a one and a half kilometer climb at an average gradient of 3.6%. A gradient where aero bikes should still have some advantages and a road that is nicely protected from any wind. So for this test right here, I have some Asioma power pedals I will be using on both bikes. So we have a consistent power output and I'll be aiming for a 350 watt average. I'm wearing some of my old mans. 1980s borderline pornographic bike shoes for this test too. And I will be doing this climb twice on two bikes at a 350 watt average. So we'll be able to have four test runs to compare. Which bike is faster? Up this little right here. So let's get into it. First test complete on the giant now for the Winspace.  Test two is complete. On the, as you can hear the Winspace that rear wheel is very noisy. Let's go check out the data. So before we look at the data, if you're getting value out of this video can you please give it a like, helps the channel out and I would greatly appreciate it. And look before we examine the data, I just wanna say that I know this test is not perfect. And I know that you know that but at least it gives us something to look at. A little bit of benchmarking. So let's get into it. And as you can see firstly at the top of the screen these are times completed recently when the Winspace had a creaky rear wheel and I completed this test with a set of zip wheels as a comparison. Although it should be noted that these times are on a quark power meter and I'm yet to gauge the discrepancies between the quark and my new Asioma pedals. But where I want to draw your attention to is the data here. And as you can see the Winspace is a clear winner with a five second difference between the two closest runs from a power perspective. And despite the fact I'm a Winspace basher according to my growing internet trolling community I'm gonna say massive thumbs up to my T1500 for doing a better job than I thought it would over the giant propel for this segment anyway. What's gonna happen in future content when we compare these bikes on different roads, different scenarios. We'll have to wait and see but what am I gonna do about my bike buying problem? Let's go talk about it.  You look great. Now you had some interesting things to say about this bike. You reckon it's the best bike that I've ever brought home. Is that right? Even more so than the Venge. Well the Venge was my favorite that the time machine played around with that bit. Yes. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. I didn't know it was a giant. I first saw it. What did you think it was? Well it looked a bit, well I was gonna say it looked a bit too good for a giant one. It's just, it's not, it's not right just because of that. It's pretty heavy isn't it? Yeah it's not. I was expecting it to be really light. I thought you were gonna do that. I can pick it up with one finger. It's one of the heaviest bikes you've had in ages. Yes, exactly right. Why? I'm learning there, this category is a bit of a brick category. Right. Yeah, thanks for your input. The things we do. Okay, is it on my face? So can I first say I've been meaning to say this for a while, I made a mine in Melbourne not sponsored or not getting paid anything for this. He makes these black hemp t-shirts which are super comfy. I like wearing black so you can't see the sweat under my armpits for videos but they are an awesome quality t-shirt. So if you're looking for a good quality black hemp t-shirt I'll provide a link below. So what I've decided to do with my bike buying problem is I'm actually gonna ramp it up. What I've recognised in recent times particularly with COVID and the impact COVID has had on the bike or cycling industry is for YouTubers like me trying to get access to demo bikes or any bike for that matter. It's borderline become impossible. Even buying this bike was pretty hard. I had to travel all the way to one of the biggest giant stores in Australia in Brisbane to be able to get access to this. So what I've decided to do moving forward we're relevant when we're working on projects on the channel, when we want to compare one bike versus the other i.e. the windspace versus the mainstream bike within the same category being the giant here. I'm just gonna go buy the bike and then I have full access to it for as long as I want. And what I'm gonna do in this instance and moving forward is I will sell the bike secondhand basically brand new after I've used it for a month or two. Yes, I'm gonna lose a few hundred dollars maybe a few thousand dollars depending on the bike but if that's what I need to do in order to create good content on the channel where we compare good products then that's what I'm going to do. I think after I've done this and we've gotten through the factor and some other cycling or bike related content that I've got in the pipeline I'm gonna try and aim for a trek because I have yet to be able to get my hands on a trek. So I'd be keen to get your thoughts below on what trek that should be and I'll catch you all in the next video.