Chapter 70 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle, Volume 1. This is the LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen. The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle, Volume 1. By Tobias Smollett. Chapter 70. The two friends eclipse all their competitors in gallantry and practice a pleasant project of revenge upon the physicians of the place. The fame of their exploit against the sharpers was immediately diffused through all the companies at Bath. So that when our adventurers appeared in public, they were pointed out by a hundred extended fingers and considered as consummate artists in all the different species of finesse, which they would not fail to practice with the first opportunity. Nor was this opinion of their characters any obstacle to their reception into the fashionable parties in the place. But on the contrary, such a recommendation, which as I have already hinted, never fails to operate for the advantage of the possessor. This first adventure therefore served them as an introduction to the company at Bath, who were not a little surprised to find their expectations baffled by the conduct of the two companions. Because far from engaging deeply at play, they rather shunned all occasions of gaming, and directed their attention to gallantry, in which our hero, Sean, unrivaled. His external qualifications, exclusive of any other merit, were strong enough to captivate the common run of the female sex. And these, reinforced with a sprightliness of conversation and a most insinuating address, became irresistible, even by those who were fortified with pride, caution or indifference. But among all the nymphs of this gay place, he did not meet with one object that disputed the empire of his heart with Emilia, and therefore he divided his attachment according to the suggestions of vanity and whim, so that before he had resided a fortnight at Bath, he had set all the ladies by the ears, and furnished all the hundred tongues of scandal with full employment. The splendour of his appearance excited the inquiries of Envy, which instead of discovering any circumstances to his prejudice, was cursed with the information of his being a young gentleman of a good family, and heir to an immense fortune. The countenance of some of his quality friends, who arrived at Bath, confirmed this piece of intelligence, upon which his acquaintance was courted and cultivated with great aciduity, and he met with such advances from some of the fair sex, as rendered him extremely fortunate in his amours. Nor was his friend Godfrey a stranger to favours of the same kind. His accomplishments were exactly calculated for the meridian of female taste, and with certain individuals of that sex, his muscular frame and the robust connection of his limbs were more attractive than the delicate proportions of his companion. He accordingly reigned paramount among those in Amoratus who were turned of thirty, without being under the necessity of proceeding by tedious addresses, and was thought to have cooperated with the waters in removing the sterility of certain ladies, who had long undergone the reproach and disgust of their husbands. While peregrine set up his throne among those who laboured under the disease of celibacy, from the pert miss of fifteen, who with a flattering heart tosses her head bridles up, and giggles involuntarily at the sight of a handsome young man, to the staid maid of twenty-eight, who with a demure aspect moralises on the vanity of beauty, the folly of youth and simplicity of woman, and expatiates on friendship, benevolence and good sense in the style of a platonic philosopher. In such a diversity of dispositions, his conquests were attended with all the heart burnings, animosities and turmoil of jealousy and spite. The younger class took all opportunities of mortifying their seniors in public by treating them with that indignity which, contrary to the general privilege of age, is by the consentant connivance of mankind, levelled against those who have the misfortune to come under the denomination of old maids, and these last retorted their hostilities in the private machinations of slander, supported by experience and subtlety of invention. Not one day passed in which some news story did not circulate to the prejudice of one or other of those rivals. If our hero in the long room, chance to quit one of the moralists, with whom he had been engaged in conversation, he was immediately accosted by a number of the opposite faction, who with ironical smiles up braided him with cruelty to the poor lady he had left, exhorted him to have compassion on her sufferings, and turning their eyes towards the object of their intercession, broke forth into a universal peel of laughter. On the other hand, when Peregrine, in consequence of having danced with one of the miners overnight, visited her in the morning, the Platonists immediately laid hold of the occasion, tasked their imaginations, associated ideas, and with sage insinuations, retailed a thousand circumstances of the interview, which never had any foundation in truth. They observed that if girls are determined to behave with such indiscretion, they must lay their accounts with incurring the censure of the world, that she in question was old enough to act more circumspectly, and wondered that her mother would permit any young fellow to approach the chamber, while her daughter was naked in bed. As for the servants peeping through the keyhole, to be sure it was an unlucky accident, that people ought to be on their guard against such curiosity, and give their domestics no cause to employ their penetration. These and other such reflections were occasionally whispered as secrets, among those who were known to be communicative, so that in a few hours it became the general topic of discourse. And as it had been divulged under injunctions of secrecy, it was almost impossible to trace the scandal to its origin, because every person concerned must have promulgated her own breach of trust in discovering her author of the report. Peregrine, instead of a laying, rather exasperated this contention by an artful distribution of his attention among the competitors. Well-knowing that should his regard be converged into one point, he would soon forfeit the pleasure he enjoyed in seeing them at variance, for both parties would join against the common enemy, and his favourite would be persecuted by the whole coalition. He perceived that among the secret agents of scandal, none were so busy as the physicians, a class of animals who live in this place, like so many ravens hovering about a carcass, and even ply for employment, like scullers at Hungerford Stairs. The greatest part of them have correspondence in London who make it their business to inquire into the history, character and distemper of everyone that repairs to Bath for the benefit of the waters. And if they cannot procure interest to recommend their medical friends to these patients before they set out, they at least furnish them with a previous account of what they could collect, that their correspondence may use this intelligence for their own advantage. By these means, and the assistance of flattery and assurance, they often insinuate themselves into the acquaintance of strangers, and by consulting their dispositions, become necessary and subservient to their prevailing passions. By their connection with apothecaries and nurses, they are informed of all the private occurrences in each family, and therefore enabled to gratify the ranker of malice, amuse the spleen of peevish in disposition, and entertain the eagerness of impertinent curiosity. In the course of these occupations, which frequently affected the reputation of our two adventurers, this whole body fell under the displeasure of our hero who after diverse consultations with his friend concerted a stratagem which was practised upon the faculty in this manner. Among those who frequented the pump room was an old officer whose temper, naturally impatient, was by repeated attacks of the gout which had almost deprived him of the use of his limbs, sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness. He imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the malpractice of a surgeon who had administered to him, while he laboured under the consequences of an unfortunate amour. And this supposition had inspired him with an insurmountable antipathy to all the professors of the medical art, which was more and more confirmed by the information of a friend at London, who had told him that it was the common practice among the physicians at Bath to dissuade their patients from drinking the water, that the cure, and in consequence their attendance, might be longer protracted. Thus pre-possessed he had come to Bath and conformable to a few general instructions he had received, used the waters without any farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his hatred and contempt of the sons of Isculapius, both by speech and gesticulations, and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to that which he knew they prescribed to others who seemed to be in exactly his condition. But he did not find his account in this method how successful so ever it may have been in other cases. His complaints instead of vanishing were every day more and more enraged, and at length he was confined to his bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn till night and from night to morn, though still more determined than ever to adhere to his former maxims. In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of the town being circulated through the industry of the physicians, who triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed a country fellow who had come to market to run with great haste early one morning to the lodgings of all the doctors in town and desire them to attend the Colonel with all imaginable dispatch. In consequence of this summons, the whole faculty put themselves in motion, and three of the foremost arriving at the same instant of time, far from complimenting one another with the door, each separately assayed to enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the passage. While they remained thus wedged together, they described two of their brethren posting towards the same goal, with all the speed that God had enabled them to exert. Upon which they came to a parley and agreed to stand by one another. This covenant being made, they disentangled themselves, and inquiring about the patient were told by the servant that he had just fallen asleep. Having received this intelligence, they took possession of the antechamber and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted themselves on the outside as they arrived, so that the whole passage was filled from the top of the staircase to the street door, and the people of the house, together with the Colonel's servant, struck dumb with astonishment. The three leaders of this learned gang had no sooner made their lodgement good than they began to consult about the patient's malady, which every one of them pretended to have considered with great care and acidity. The first, who gave his opinion, said the distemper was an obstinate arthritis. The second affirmed that it was no other than a confirmed pox, and the third swore it was an inveterate scurvy. This diversity of opinions was supported by a variety of quotations from medical authors, ancient as well as modern, but these were not of sufficient authority, or at least not explicit enough to decide the dispute. For there are many schisms in medicine as well as in religion, and each sect can quote the fathers in support of the tenets they profess. In short, the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour as not only alarmed the brethren on the stair, but also awaked the patient from the first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten whole days. Had it been simply waking, he would have been obliged to them for the noise that disturbed him, for in that case he would have been relieved from the torches of hellfire to which in his dreams he fancied himself exposed. But this dreadful vision had been the result of that impression which was made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish of his joints, so that when he awaked the pain instead of being laid was rather aggravated by a great acuteness of sensation. And the confused vociferation in the next room invading his ears at the same time, he began to think his dream was realised, and in the pangs of despair applied himself to a bell that stood by his bedside, which he rung with great violence and perseverance. This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three doctors, who upon this notice of his being awake rushed into his chamber without ceremony, and two of them seizing his arms, the third made the like application to one of his temples. Before the patient could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid hold on him at this unexpected eruption, the room was filled by the rest of the faculty, who followed the servant that entered in obedience to his master's call, and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these gaunt ministers of death. The colonel seeing himself beset with such an assemblage of solemn visages and figures, which he had always considered with the utmost detestation and apparence, was incensed to a most inexpressible degree of indignation, and so inspired by his rage that though his tongue denied its office, his other limbs performed their functions. He disengaged himself from the triumvirate who had taken possession of his body, sprung out of bed with incredible agility, and seizing one of his crutches applied it so effectually to one of the three, just as he stooped to examine the patient's water, that his Thai periwig dropped into the pot while he himself fell motionless on the floor. This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity. Every man turned his face as if it were by instinct towards the door, and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts of individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued. For the colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled his weapon with astonishing vigor and dexterity, without respect of persons so that few or none of them had escaped without marks of his displeasure when his spirits failed, and he sank down again quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured by this respite, the disconferted faculty collected their hats and wigs, which had fallen off in the fray, and perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled to renew the attack, set up their throats together and loudly threatened to prosecute him severely for such an outrageous assault. By this time the landlord had interposed, and inquiring into the cause of the disturbance was informed of what had happened by the complainants, who at the same time, giving him to understand that they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning, he assured them that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his lodger had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession. Thunder struck at this declaration, the general clamour instantaneously ceased, and each in particular at once comprehending the nature of the joke, they sneaked silently off with the loss they had sustained in unutterable shame and mortification, while Peregrine and his friend, who took care to be passing that way by accident, made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and condition of every one as he appeared. Nay, even made up to some of those who seemed most affected with their situation, and mischievously tormented them with questions touching this unusual congregation. Then in consequence of the information they received from the landlord and the colonel's valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the company in town. As it would have been impossible for the authors of this farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries of the physicians, they made no secret of their having directed the whole, though they took care to own it in such an ambiguous manner as afforded no handle of prosecution. End of Chapter 70 Recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey Chapter 71 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle, Volume 1 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Geeson The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle, Volume 1 By Tobias Smollett Chapter 71 Peregrine humbles a noted hector and meets with a strange character at the house of a certain lady. Among those who never failed to reside at Bath during the season was a certain person who from the most abject misery had by his industry and art at play amassed about 15,000 pounds. And though his character was notorious, insinuated himself so far into the favour of what is called the best company that very few private parties of pleasure took place in which he was not principally concerned. He was of a gigantic stature, a most intrepid countenance, and his disposition naturally overbearing had in the course of his adventures and success acquired a most intolerable degree of insolence and vanity. By the ferocity of his features and audacity of his behaviour he had obtained a reputation for the most undaunted courage which had been confirmed by diverse adventures in which he had humbled the most assuming heroes of his own fraternity. So that now he reigned chief hector of the place with unquestioned authority. With this son of fortune was Peregrine one evening engaged at play and so successful that he could not help informing his friend of his good luck. Godfrey, hearing the description of the loser, immediately recognised the person whom he had known at Tunbridge and assuring Pickle that he was a sharper of the first water cautioned him against any further connection with such a dangerous companion who he affirmed had suffered him to win a small sum that he might be encouraged to lose a much greater sum upon some other occasion. Our young gentleman treasured up this advice and though he did not scruple to give the gamester an opportunity of retrieving his loss when he next day demanded his revenge he absolutely refused to proceed after he had refunded his winning. The other who considered him as a hot-headed unthinking youth endeavoured to inflame his pride to a continuance of the game by treating his skill with scorn and contempt and among other sarcastic expressions advised him to go to school again before he proceeded to engage with masters of the art. Our hero incensed at his arrogance replied with great warmth that he knew himself sufficiently qualified for playing with men of honour who deal upon the square and hope he should always deem it infamous either to learn or practice the tricks of a professed gamester. Blood and thunder, meaning me, sir, cried this artist raising his voice and curling his visage into a most intimidating frown.  Peregrine, whose blood by this time boiled within him, answered without hesitation, far from thinking your demand unreasonable I will immediately explain myself without reserve and tell you that upon unquestionable authority I believe you to be an impudent rascal and common cheat. The Hector was so amazed and confounded at the freedom of this declaration which he thought no man on earth would venture to make in his presence that for some minutes he could not recollect himself but its length whispered a challenge in the ear of our hero which was accordingly accepted. When they arrived next morning upon the field the gamester, arming his countenance with all its terrors advanced with a sword of a monstrous length and putting himself in a posture called aloud in a most terrific voice draw, dammy, draw, I will this instant send you to your fathers. The youth was not slow in complying with his desire and he began the attack with such unexpected spirit and address but his adversary, having made shift with great difficulty to parry the first path retreated a few paces and demanded a parley in which he endeavoured to persuade the young man that to lay a man of his character under the necessity of chastising his insolence was the most rash and inconsiderate step that he could possibly have taken but that he had compassion upon his youth and was willing to spare him if he would surrender his sword and promised to ask pardon in public for the offence he had given. Pickle was so much exasperated that this unparalleled effrontery that without daining to make the least reply he flung his own hat in the proposer's face and renewed the charge with such undaunted agility that the gamester, finding himself in manifest hazard of his life bit took himself to his heels and fled homeward with incredible speed being closely pursued by Peregrine who, having sheathed his sword, pelted him with stones as he ran and compelled him to go that same day into banishment from Bath where he had domineered so long. By this achievement which was the subject of astonishment to all the company who had looked upon the fugitive as a person of heroic courage our adventurer's reputation was rendered formidable in all its circumstances although he thereby disabliged a good many people of fashion who had contracted an intimacy of friendship with the exile and who resented his disgrace as if it had been the misfortune of a worthy man. These generous patrons, however, bore a very small proportion to those who were pleased with the event of the duel because in the course of their residence at Bath they had either been insulted or defrauded by the challenger nor was this instance of our hero's courage unacceptable to the ladys few of whom could now resist the united force of such accomplishments indeed neither he nor his friend Godfrey would have found much difficulty in picking up an agreeable companion for life but Gauntlet's heart was pre-engaged to Sophie and Pickle, exclusive of his attachment to Emily which was stronger than he himself imagined possessed such a share of ambition as could not be satisfied with the conquest of any female he beheld at Bath. His visits were therefore promiscuous without any other view than that of amusement and though his pride was flattered by the advances of the fair whom he had captivated he never harboured one thought of proceeding beyond the limits of common gallantry and carefully avoided all particular explanations but what above all other enjoyments yielded him the most agreeable entertainment was the secret history of characters which he learned from a very extraordinary person with whom he became acquainted in this manner. Being at the house of a certain lady on a visiting day he was struck with the appearance of an old man who no sooner entered the room than the mistress of the house very kindly desired one of the wits present to roast the old put. This petty met, proud of the employment went up to the senior who had something extremely peculiar and significant in his countenance and saluting him with diverse fashionable concher accosted him in these words your savants you old rascal I hope to have the honour of seeing you hanged I vow to God you look extremely shocking with those gummy eyes lantern jaws and toothless chaps what you squint at the ladies you old rotten meddler yes yes we understand your ogling but you must content yourself with a cook maid sink me I see you want to sit these withered shanks of yours tremble under their burden but you must have a little patience old herco indeed you must I intend to mortify you a little longer curse me the company was so tickled with this address which was delivered with much grimace and gesticulation that they burst out into a loud fit of laughter which they fathered upon a monkey that was chained in the room and when the pill was over the wit renewed the attack in these words I suppose you are full enough to think this mirth was occasioned by pug either he is you had best survey him he is of your own family switch me but the laugh was at your expense and you ought to thank heaven for making you so ridiculous while he uttered these ingenious ejaculations the old gentleman bowed alternately to him and the monkey that seemed to grin and chatter in imitation of the bow and with an arch solemnity of visage he pronounced gentlemen as I have not the honor to understand your compliments they will be much better bestowed on each other so saying he seated himself and had the satisfaction to see the laugh returned upon the aggressor who remained confounded and abashed and in a few minutes left the room muttering as he retired the old fellow grows scurrilous stop my breath while Peregrine wondered in silence at this extraordinary scene the lady of the house perceiving his surprise gave him to understand that the ancient visitant was utterly bereft of the sense of hearing that his name was Cadwallada Crabtree his disposition altogether misanthropical and that he was admitted into company on account of entertainment he afforded by his sarcastic observations and the pleasant mistakes to which he was subject from his infirmity nor did our hero wait a long time for an illustration of this odd character every sentence he spoke was replete with gall nor did his satire consist in general reflections but a series of remarks which had been made through the medium of a most whimsical peculiarity of opinion among those who were present at this assembly was a young officer who having by dint of interest obtained a seat in the lower house thought it encumbered upon him to talk of affairs of state and accordingly regaled the company with an account of a secret expedition which the French were busied in preparing assuring them that he had it from the mouth of the minister to whom it had been transmitted by one of his agents abroad in descanting upon the particulars of the armament he observed that they had twenty ships of the line ready-mand and vittled at Brest which were destined for Toulon where they would be joined by as many more and from thence proceed to the execution of their scheme which he imparted as a secret not fit to be divulged this piece of intelligence being communicated to all the company except Mr Crabtree who suffered by his loss of hearing that cynic was soon after accosted by a lady who by means of an artificial alphabet formed by a certain conjunction and disposition of the fingers asked if he had heard any extraordinary news of late Cadwallader with his usual complacence replied that he supposed she took him for a courier or spy by teasing him eternally with that question he then expatiated upon the foolish curiosity of mankind which he said must either proceed from idleness or want of ideas and repeated almost verbatim the officer's information a vague ridiculous report invented by some ignorant coxcomb and wanted to give himself airs of importance and believed only by those who were utterly unacquainted with the politics and strength of the French nation in confirmation of what he had advanced he endeavored to demonstrate how impossible it must be for that people to fit out even the third part of such a navy so soon after the losses they had sustained during the war and confirmed his proof by asserting that to his certain knowledge the hours of past and too long could not at that time produce a squadron of eight ships of the line the member who was an utter stranger to this misanthrope hearing his own asseverations treated with such contempt glowed with confusion and resentment and raising his voice began to defend his own veracity with great eagerness and trepidation mingling with his arguments many blustering invectives against the insolence and ill manners of his supposed contradictor who sat with the most mortifying composure of countenance till the officer's patience was quite exhausted and then to the manifest increase of his vexation he was informed that his antagonist was so deaf that in all probability the last trumpet would make no impression upon him without a previous renovation of his organs End of Chapter 71 Recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey Chapter 72 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 This is a LibriVox recording. 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For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Geeson The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle by Tobias Smonit Chapter 72 He cultivates an acquaintance with the misanthrope who favours him with a short sketch of his own history Peregrine was extremely well pleased with this occasional rebuke which occurred so seasonably that he could scarce believe it accidental He looked upon Cadwallader as the greatest curiosity he had ever known and cultivated the old man's acquaintance with such insinuating address that in less than a fortnight he obtained his confidence As they one day walked into the fields together the manhater disclosed himself in these words Though the term of our communication has been but short you must have perceived that I treat you with uncommon marks of regard which I assure you is not owing to your personal accomplishments nor the pains you take to oblige me or the first I overlook and the last I see through But there is something in your disposition which indicates a rooted contempt for the world and I understand you have made some successful efforts exposing one part of it to the ridicule of the other It is upon this assurance that I offer you my advice and assistance in prosecuting other schemes of the same nature and to convince you that such an alliance is not to be rejected I will now give you a short sketch of my history which will be published after my death in 47 volumes of my own compiling I was born about 40 miles from this place of parents who, having a very old family name to support bestowed their whole fortune on my elder brother so that I inherited of my father little else than a large share of collar to which I am indebted for a great many adventures that did not always end to my satisfaction At the age of 18 I was sent up to town with a recommendation to a certain peer who found means to amuse me with the promise of a commission for seven whole years and it is odd but I should have made my fortune by my perseverance had I not been arrested and thrown into the marshalsy by my landlord on whose credit I had subsisted three years after my father had renounced me as an idle vagabond there I remained six months among those prisoners who have no other support than chance charity and contracted a very valuable acquaintance which was of great service to me in the future emergencies of my life I was no sooner discharged in consequence of an act of parliament for the relief of insolvent debtors than I went to the house of my creditor whom I cudgled without mercy and that I might leave nothing undone of those things which I ought to have done my next stage was to Westminster Hall where I waited until my patron came forth from the house and saluted him with a blow that laid him senseless on the pavement but my retreat was not so fortunate as I could have wished the chairman and lackeys in waiting having surrounded and disarmed me in a trice I was committed to Nugget and loaded with chains and a very sagacious gentleman who was afterwards hanged having sat in judgement upon my case pronounced me guilty of a capital crime and foretold my condemnation at the Old Bailey his prognostic however was disappointed for nobody appearing to prosecute me at the next session I was discharged by order of the court it would be impossible for me to recount in the compass of one day's conversation all the particular exploits of which I bore considerable share suffice it to say I have been at different times prisoner in all the jails within the bills of mortality I have broken from every roundhouse on this side temple bar no bailiff in the days of my youth and desperation dust executed writ upon me without a dozen of followers and the justices themselves trembled when I was brought before them I was once maimed by a carman with whom I quarrelled because he ridiculed my leak on St. David's Day my skull was fractured by a butcher's cleaver on the like occasion I have been run through the body five times and lost the tip of my left ear by a pistol bullet in a rencontre of this kind having left my antagonist for dead I was wise enough to make my retreat into France and a few days after my arrival at Paris entering into conversation with some officers on the subject of politics a dispute arose in which I lost my temper and spoke so irreverently of the Grand Monarch the next morning I was sent to the Bastille by virtue of a letter de cashier there I remained for some months deprived of all intercourse with rational creatures a circumstance for which I was not sorry as I had the more time to project schemes of revenge against the tyrant who confined me and the wretch who had betrayed my private conversation but tired at length with these fruitless suggestions I was feigned to unbend the severity of my thoughts by a correspondence with some industrious spiders who had hung my dungeon with their ingenious labours I considered their work with such attention that I soon became an adept in the mystery of weaving and furnished myself with as many useful observations and reflections on that art as will compose a very curious treatise which I intend to bequeath to the royal society for the benefit of our woollen manufacture and this with a view to perpetuate my own name rather than befriend my country for thank heaven I am weaned from all attachments of that kind and look upon myself as one very little obliged to any society whatsoever although I presided with absolute power over this long-legged community and distributed punishments and rewards to each according to his desserts I grew impatient of my situation and my natural disposition one day prevailing like a fire which had long been smothered I wreaked the fury of my indignation upon my innocent subjects and in a twinkling destroyed the whole race while I was employed in this general massacre the turnkey who brought me food opened the door and perceiving my transport shrugged up his shoulders and leaving my allowance went out pronouncing le pauvre diable, la tête retourne my passion no sooner subsided than I resolved to profit by this opinion of the jailer and from that day counterfeited lunacy with such success that in less than three months I was delivered from the Bastille and sent to the galleys in which they thought my bodily vigor might be of service although the faculties of my mind were decayed before I was changed to the awe I received 300 stripes by way of welcome that I might thereby be rendered more tractable notwithstanding I used all the arguments in my power to persuade them I was only mad north northwest and when the wind was southerly knew a hawk from a handsaw in our second cruise we had the good fortune to be overtaken by a tempest during which the slaves were unbound that they might contribute the more to the preservation of the galleys and have a chance for their lives in case of shipwreck we were no sooner at liberty than making ourselves masters of the vessel we robbed the officers and ran her on shore among rocks on the coast of Portugal from whence I hastened to Lisbon with a view of obtaining my passage in some ship bound for England whereby this time I hoped my affair was forgotten but before this scheme could be accomplished my evil genius led me into company and being intoxicated I began to broach doctrines on the subject of religion at which some of the party were scandalised and incensed and I was next day dragged out of bed by the officers of the Inquisition and conveyed to a cell in the prison belonging to that tribunal at my first examination my resentment was strong enough to support me under the torture which I endured without flinching but my resolution abated and my zeal immediately cooled when I understood from a fellow prisoner who groaned on the other side of the partition that in a short time there would be an autodafé in consequence of which I should in all probability be doomed to the flames if I would not renounce my heretical errors and submit to such penance as the church should think fit to prescribe this miserable wretch was convicted of Judaism which he had privately practised by connivance for many years until he had a master fortune sufficient to attract the regard of the church to this he fell a sacrifice and accordingly prepared himself for the stake while I, not at all ambitious of the crown of martyrdom resolved to temporise so that when I was brought to the question the second time I made a solemn recantation as I had no worldly fortune to obstruct my salvation I was received into the bosom of the church and by way of penance enjoined to walk barefoot to Rome in the habit of a pilgrim during my peregrination through Spain I was detained as a spy until I could procure credentials from the inquisition at Lisbon and behaved with such resolution and reserve that after being released I was deemed a proper person to be employed in quality of a secret intelligences at a certain court this office I undertook without hesitation and being furnished with money and bills of credit crossed the Pyrenees with intention to revenge myself upon the Spaniards for the severities I had undergone during my captivity having therefore effectually disguised myself by a change of dress and a large patch on one eye I hired an equipage and appeared at Bologna in quality of an itinerant physician in which capacity I succeeded tolerably well till my servants decamped in the night with my baggage and left me in the condition of Adam in short I have travelled over the greatest part of Europe as a beggar, pilgrim, priest, soldier, gangster and quack and felt the extremes of indigence and opulence with the inclemency of weather in all its vicissitudes I have learnt that the characters of mankind are everywhere the same that common sense and honesty bear an infinitely small proportion to folly and vice and that life is at best a paltry province after having suffered innumerable hardships, dangers and disgraces I returned to London where I lived some years in a garret and picked up a subsistence such as it was by vending purges in the streets from the back of a pied horse in which situation I used to harangue the mob in broken English and a pretense of being a high German doctor at last an uncle died by whom I inherited an estate of 300 pounds per annum though in his lifetime he would not have parted with the sixpence to save my soul and body from perdition I now appear in the world not as a member of any community or what is called a social creature but merely as a spectator who entertains himself with the grimaces of a jack pudding and banquets his spleen in beholding his enemies at loggerheads that I may enjoy this disposition abstracted from all interruption, danger and participation I feign myself deaf an expedient by which I not only avoid all disputes and their consequences but also become master of a thousand little secrets which are every day whispered in my presence without any suspicion of their being overheard you saw how I handled that shallow politician at my Lady Plausibles the other day the same method I practice upon the crazed Tory the bigot wig the sour supercilious pedant the petulant critic the blustering coward the thawning fool the pert imp sly sharper and every other species of knaves and fools with which this kingdom abounds in consequence of my rank and character I obtain free admission to the ladies among whom I have acquired the appellation of the scandalous chronicle as I am considered while silent no other light than that of a footstool or elbow chair they divest their conversation of all restraint before me and gratify my sense of hearing with strange things which if I could prevail upon myself to give the world that satisfaction would compose a curious piece of secret history and exhibit a quite different idea of characters from what is commonly entertained by this time young gentlemen you may perceive that I have it in my power to be a valuable correspondent and that it will be to your interest to deserve my confidence here the misanthrope left off speaking desirous to know the sentiments of our hero who embraced the prophet alliance in a transport of joy and surprise and the treaty was no sooner concluded and Mr. Crabtree began to perform articles by imparting to him a thousand delicious secrets from the possession of which he promised himself innumerable scenes of mirth and enjoyment by means of this associate whom he considered as the ring of gaijes he foresaw that he should be enabled to penetrate not only into the chambers but even to the inmost thoughts of the female sex in order to ward off suspicion they agreed to revile each other in public and meet at a certain private rendezvous to communicate their mutual discoveries and concert their future operations but soon after this agreement our adventurer was summoned to the garrison by an express from his friend Hatchway representing that the Commodore lay at the point of death and in less than an hour after the receipt of this melancholy piece of news he set out post for his uncle's habitation having previously taken leave of Crabtree who promised to meet him in two months in London and settled a correspondence with Gauntlet who proposed to remain at Bath during the rest of the season End of Chapter 72 Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmere Surrey Chapter 73 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Giesen The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 by Tobias Smollett Chapter 73 Peregrine arrives at the garrison where he receives the last admonitions of Commodore Trunnion who next day resigns his breath and is buried according to his own directions Some gentlemen in the country make a fruitless attempt to accommodate matters betwixt Mr. Gamaliel Pickle and his eldest son About four o'clock in the morning our hero arrived at the garrison where he found his generous uncle in extremity supported in bed by Julia on one side and Lieutenant Hatchway on the other while Mr. Jolter administered spiritual consolation to his soul and between wiles comforted Mistress Trunnion who with her maid sat by the fire weeping with great decorum The physician having just taken his last fee and retired after pronouncing the fatal prognostic in which he anxiously wished he might be mistaken Though the Commodore's speech was interrupted by a violent hiccup he still retained the use of his senses and when Peregrine approached stretched out his hand with manifest signs of satisfaction The young gentleman whose heart overflowed with gratitude and affection could not behold such a spectacle unmoved He endeavoured to conceal his tenderness which in the wildness of his youth and the pride of his disposition he considered as a derogation from his manhood But in spite of all his endeavours the tears gushed from his eyes while he kissed the old man's hand and he was so utterly disconcerted by his grief But when he attempted to speak his tongue denied its office so that the Commodore perceiving his disorder made a last effort of strength and consoled him in these words Swab the spray from your bow-spirit, my good lad and coil up your spirits You must not let the top-lifts of your heart give way because you see me ready to go down at these years Many a better man has found it before he has made half my way Though I trust by the mercy of God I shall be sure-imported in a very few glasses and fast-moored in a most blessed riding For my good friend Jolter hath overhauled the journal of my sins and by the observation he hath taken of the state of my soul I hope I shall happily conclude my voyage and be brought up in the latitude of heaven Here has been a doctor that wanted to stow me chock full of physics But when a man's hour is come what signifies his taking his departure where the path occur is sharp in his hold Those fellows come alongside of dying men like the messengers of the Admiralty with sailing orders But I told him as how I could slip my cable without his direction or assistance and so he hauled off in dodgen This cursed hiccup makes such a rippling in the current of my speech that may have you don't understand what I say Now, while the sucker of my wind-pump will go I would willingly mention a few things which I hope you will set down in the large book of your remembrance when I am stiff, you see There's your aunt sitting whimpering by the fire I desire you will keep her tight, warm, and easy in her old age She's an honest heart in her own way and though she goes a little crank and humorsome by being often overstowed with nonce and religion she has been a faithful shipmate to me and I daresay she never turned in with another man since we first embarked in the same bottom Jack Hatchway, you know the trim of her as well as there are a man in England and I believe she has a kindness for you whereby if you two will grapple in the way of matrimony when I am gone I do suppose that my godson, the love of me will allow you to live in the garrison all the days of your life Peregrine assured him he would with pleasure comply with any request he should make in behalf of two persons he esteemed so much the lieutenant with a waggish sneer which even the gravity of the situation could not prevent thanked them both for their good will telling the Commodore he was obliged to him for his friendship in seeking to promote him to the command of a vessel which he himself had worn out in the service but that notwithstanding he should be content to take charge of her though he could not help being shy of coming after such an able navigator Trunnion exhausted as he was smiled at this sally and after some pause resumed his admonitions in this manner I need not talk of pipes because I know you'll do for him without any recommendation the fellow has sailed with me in many a hard gale and I'll warrant him as stout a seaman as ever set face to the weather but I hope you'll take care of the rest of my crew and not disrate them after I am dead in favor of new followers as for that young woman Ned Gauntlet's daughter I'm informed as how she's an excellent wench and has a respect for you whereby if you run her on board in an unlawful way I leave my curse upon you and trust you will never prosper in the voyage of life but I believe you are more of an honest man to behave so much like a pirate I beg of all love you will take care of your constitution and beware of running foul of harlots who are no better than so many mermaids that sit upon rocks in the sea and hang out a fair face for the destruction of passengers though I must say for my own part I never met with any of those sweet singers and yet I have gone to sea for the space of 30 years but how some ever steer your course clear of all such brimstone bitches shun going to law as you would shun the devil and look upon all attorneys as devouring sharks or ravenous fishes of prey as soon as the breath is out of my body let minute guns be fired till I am safe underground I would also be buried in the red jacket I had on when I boarded and took the renummy let my pistols, capless and pocket compass be laid in the coffin along with me let me be carried to the grave by my own man rigged in the black caps and white shirts which my barge's crew were wont to wear and they must keep a good look out that none of your pilfering rascallions may come and heave me up again for the lucre of what they can get until the carcass is belayed by a tombstone as for the motto on what you call it I leave that to you and Mr. Jolter who are scholars but I do desire that it may not be engraved in the Greek or Latin lingos and much less in the French which I abominate but in plain English that when the angel comes to pipe all hands at the great day he may know that I am a British man and speak to me in my mother tongue and now I have no more to say but God in heaven have mercy upon my soul and send you all fair weather wheresoever you are bound so saying he regarded every individual around him with a look of complacency and closing his eye composed himself to rest while the whole audience pipes himself not accepted were melted with sorrow and Mistress Trunnion consented to quit the rum that she might not be exposed to the unspeakable anguish of seeing him expire his last moments however were not so near as they imagined he began to doze and enjoyed small intervals of ease till next day in the afternoon during which remissions he was heard to pour forth many pious ejaculations expressing his hope that for all the heavy cargo of his sins he should be able to surmount the paddock shrouds of despair and get aloft to the crass trees of God's good favour at last his voice sunk so low as not to be distinguished having lain about an hour almost without any perceptible signs of life he gave up the ghost with a groan which announced his decease Julia was no sooner certified of this melancholy event than she ran to her aunt's chamber weeping aloud and immediately a very decent concert was performed by the good widow and her attendants Peregrine and Hatchway were tired till the corpse should be laid out and pipes having surveyed the body with the face of rueful attention well, fare thy soul old Harzer Trunnion said he man and boy I have known thee these five and thirty years and sure a truer heart never broke biscuit many a hard gale has thou weathered that now thy spells are all over and thy hull fairly laid up a better commander I'd never desired to serve and who knows but I may help to set up thy standing rigging in another world all the servants of the house were affected with the loss of their old master and the poor people in the neighbourhood assembled at the gate and by repeated howlings expressed their sorrow for the death of their charitable benefactor Peregrine though he felt everything which love and gratitude could inspire on this occasion was not so much overwhelmed with affliction as to be incapable of taking the management of the family into his own hands he gave directions about the funeral with great discretion after having paid the compliments of condolence to his aunt whom he consoled with the assurance of his inviolable esteem and affection he ordered a suit of mourning to be made for every person in the garrison invited all the neighbouring gentlemen to the burial not even accepting his father and brother Gam who did not however honour the ceremony with their presence nor was his mother humane enough to visit her sister-in-law in her distress in the method of interment the Commodore's injunctions were obeyed to a title and at the same time our hero made a donation of 50 pounds to the poor of the parish as a benefaction which his uncle had forgot to bequeath having performed these obsequies with the most pious punctuality he examined the will to which there was no addition since it had first been executed adjusted the payment of all the legacies and being sole executor took an account of the estate to which he had succeeded which after all deductions amounted to 30,000 pounds the possession of such a fortune of which he was absolute master did not at all contribute to the humiliation of his spirit but inspired him with new ideas of grandeur and magnificence and elevated his hope to the highest pinnacle of expectation his domestic affairs being settled he was visited by almost all the gentlemen of the county who came to pay their compliments of congratulation on his accession to the estate and some of them offered their good offices towards the reconciliation betwixt his father and him induced by the general detestation which was entertained for his brother Gam who was by this time looked upon by his neighbours as a prodigy of insolence and malice a young squire thanked them for their kind proposal which he accepted and old Gamaliel at their entreaties seemed very well disposed to any accommodation but as he would not venture to declare himself before he had consulted his wife his favourable disposition was rendered altogether ineffectual by the instigations of that implacable woman and our hero resigned all expectation of being reunited to his father's house his brother as usual took all opportunities of injuring his character by false aspersions and stories misrepresented in order to prejudice his reputation nor was his sister Julia suffered to enjoy her good fortune in peace had he undergone such persecution from an alien to his blood the world would have heard of his revenge but not withstanding his indignation he was too much tinctured by the prejudices of consanguinity to lift his arm in judgement against the son of his own parents and this consideration abridged the term of his residence at the garrison where he had proposed to stay for some months End of Chapter 73 Recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 by Tobias Smollett