This tutorial will teach you how to use PICO, a model that outlines your clinical research question. It acts as a framework asking you to think specifically about different aspects of what you want to investigate and is a fundamental part of evidence-based research. The first four letters are generally always needed, while the two T's on the end may be optional. Let's start with the first four. P is for patient or population. Who is receiving the treatment and what are their characteristics? I is for intervention or interest. What do you plan to do, such as a specific treatment or therapy? C is for comparison. What are alternative methods or treatments to your intervention? And O is for outcome. What do you expect to see or want to happen? We'll now go into a little more detail on what each letter means. Patient or population. How would you describe your patient? What are the most important characteristics of the patient? This may include the primary problem, disease, or coexisting conditions. Gender, age, ethnicity, or location are additional descriptors that may be relevant to your research question. Intervention or interest. What main intervention, prognostic factor, diagnostic test, or exposure are you considering? What do you want to do for the patient? Prescribe a drug, perform a test, order surgery? Comparison. A good analogy for comparison are the variables and controls in a scientific experiment. The variable is the group you are experimenting on and the control is the group you are leaving alone to compare your variable with. The comparison in Pico can be thought of as the control group. You're comparing your intervention with another group or alternative. Are you trying to decide between two drugs, a drug in no medication or placebo, or two diagnostic tests? Outcome. What are you expecting to see? What are you hypothesizing that your intervention will cause? Time. Is there a time frame? How long will it take for the intervention to achieve an outcome or how long will participants be observed? Are you following women during pregnancy? Observing sport injuries over the season? Following study participants for a set recovery time? Type of question or study. There are several different designs or methodologies of studies. You may need to think about which type will best fit your question and the quality of evidence you are most interested in or likely to find for your specific question. Now that we know what Pico stands for, we'll be going through an example. Our initial research question is, what effect will the campus smoking ban have on students who smoke? Think about the question with the Pico framework in mind. What are some ways to describe the patient? Intervention, comparison, and outcome. Our patients are students who smoke. We can also describe them by location, which is college campus. The intervention would be the smoking ban and a comparison could be not having a smoking ban. One outcome we could hypothesize is that students will smoke less. You may be thinking of a different outcome. We'll go with the smoking less outcome or this particular example. You may want to include a time frame such as a semester or even a type of study. We'll skip those for now. Using Pico, our question is now, do college campus smoking bans decrease the amount that students smoke? Now that we have our basic Pico, we want to identify the keywords we can use to search for resources. To start, we'll identify the main concepts of our question. Students will definitely be a main concept of our search as well as smoke and college. We probably don't need to consider the word campus when it comes to actually searching for literature. Smoking is obviously a main concept similar to smoke. The word ban is also going to play an important role. Finally, smoking less is a concept we want to be sure to include in our search. Take a moment now to think about possible additional keywords in each Pico category. These can be synonyms or just different ways to describe the words we already have. This will help us think more about our topic and help our searching in order to find the best most relevant results. Starting with students, the first thing we may realize is that we are interested in both the plural and singular form of the word, as is the case with some of our other words. When thinking about colleges, we can also use the word university to describe the same concept. When it comes to smoke or smoking, we may also be interested in tobacco. There are a lot of ways to talk about a ban. Regulations, laws, and the phrase smoke free are a few examples. Lastly, we have the idea of smoking less. The key part of this is less since we already have words for smoking. Other ways to express this concept are quitting, reducing, or decreasing. Now we have a good set of words we can begin searching with. We can group these words together into four main concepts. Our population, students, the intervention, banning or regulation of smoking, smoking itself, and the outcome of decreased smoking. It's helpful to keep a document of your concepts and words or phrases for those concepts. This will help you as you search and you will likely find yourself adding to the list as you explore your topic further. Our last step is to turn this into database language. Databases use what is known as Boolean operators to further define a search. These are and, or, and not, and and or are the key operators to use. And is going to combine all of our concepts together. This is our way of telling the databases that all of these concepts need to be included in the results. We don't just want results talking about smoking in college. It also has to talk about a decrease or lack thereof in smoking and some sort of regulation in regards to smoking. Or is the way to tell the databases that we are flexible. We would use or to combine all or some of our words within each concept. We don't really care if the database finds items using the word college or students or university, it just has to use at least one of them. You may have noticed that some of our words are very similar to each other, like smoke and smoking. In this example, we are oring them together, but it can be tedious to have to type both words out in our search. Don't worry though, there are tricks. Instead of searching both words, we can search using truncation by putting an asterisk at the end or even the middle of a set of letters. This represents a wild card. So any letters appearing after the asterisk are included in the search. If we remove the different endings of the word and add an asterisk, we are telling the database to look for the core word, no matter the ending. Our results will now bring back smoke, smokes, smoking, smoker, and even just smock by itself, even if it's probably a typo. This is also useful with plurals. Finally, you may have noticed that we put the phrase smoke free in quotes. This is another database trick which tells the database that these words have to be found together. Quotes are extremely useful for phrases or specific titles. Now we've just covered the basics of Pico and you're set to use it on your own. If you need further assistance, contact a librarian using the Ask a Librarian link at the top of any library's page.


So should I stay with him under these conditions? You must watch this because this is going to be absolutely enlightening what I'm about to share with you.  You know, one of the questions I ask them is how good of friends were you in your relationship? How good of friends were you? And it's fascinating to me to hear how often that their friendship was rather weak at this point in the relationship. Now I will say that a large percentage of women who watch my channel on YouTube and reach out to me for private coaching are most likely in an unhappy relationship. So I think when you find yourself in a relationship that is challenging, where you feel uncertain, where you're just not sure where the direction is going, there are some critical questions you might wanna consider asking yourself as a way to determine if this relationship is worth salvaging, if it's a relationship where it's staying in or should you consider leaving? And I know this is incredibly challenging for many of you, whether you're in a relationship right now or not, or maybe you're single looking for love. You know, it's interesting. I was having a conversation with a coach today one of my coaches and we were talking about dating and relationships these days are like the Hunger Games. Did you ever watch the Hunger Games with Jennifer Lawrence? I can't think of who the other, the male actor in that. I just can't think of his name right now. But it was a fascinating story about a dystopian city and some fantasy world, if you will, where basically you've got into an arena this gigantic arena and had to kill each other. And there's more to it than what I just said. But dating and relationships today almost feels like the Hunger Games as if you're in competition, that it's going to be a fight for the death. It's going to be this struggle. It's going to be cuts and pains and bruises and those wasps that are gonna sting you with some hallucinogenic drug. Which many of you might feel like that's what it's like out there.  At the same time, I want you to imagine yourself as Katniss Everdeen. Did I say her name right? Katniss Everdeen. You know, we rooted for her. In fact, she had sponsors out there that were helping her along the way. If you remember the phrase, may the odds forever be in your favor. And that's what my channel is about, is about putting the odds in your favor. In fact, if you need some support with that, see this link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. There's a link below to schedule a call with me. My job is to help put the odds in your favor because out of 24 contestants, there's a male and female from each district out of 12 districts, there's 24 contestants. Only one person is allowed to survive. I'm laughing because that's how it feels.  And yet I wanna put the odds in your favor. I want you to be Katniss. More importantly, I want you to find your Peta, Peta, Peta. I never could get his name right, Peta, excuse me. And whether she falls in love with them or not, it's hard to say in that first movie. It's certainly a love story and that's what I'm hoping for all of you is that you have your love story, is that you have your love story because I wanna put the odds in your favor. So today we're going to explore when you're in a relationship with someone and it doesn't feel like it's going your way. And maybe it's a relationship that you have to really examine is this really the right relationship for me? Should I stay under these conditions? Okay, so there are going to be, I just wanna share with you, I got this list. I was watching Chris Williamson's YouTube channel and he was having an interview with someone and during the interview, he brought up a Reddit thread that he read. Reddit, R-E-D-D-I-T-T or however you spell Reddit. Okay, excuse me, one T. And the following, I want someone to write this in the chat box or someone to write this in the comment section. But the five questions to ask yourself if you're unsure about the relationship, five questions to ask yourself if you're unsure about the relationship. And I want you to actually type this into Reddit and go read this as well, okay? Because it's a fascinating, there's several threads. It's kind of fascinating how many, souls that are hurting in relationship. I mean, it's really kind of sad. How many people find themselves in relationships they're unhappy with? And we're gonna talk about these five questions in a second, but I wanna draw attention to why this happens. Why do we find it so much like the hunger games where we're fighting for our survival? It's because we're actually fighting for the survival of our soul, our inner peace, our inner guidance. In fact, I wrote a book about it called what the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self open spiritual work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book, okay? And the books I recommend. Why I'm mentioning this is the reason why we're fighting so hard and why the odds are against us. And I wanna put the odds in your favor is because it's the number one emotional health issue facing both men and women alike. I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. I'm not worthy. Folks, I can speak from personal experience, particularly after my most significant relationship ended. I have gone through a lot of emotional heartache thinking I'm not worthy for love. Why is it that I'm unlucky in love? And then this last one, I made herculean effort or at least I think I did in this last relationship. Why am I not worthy for love? Most human beings are suffering on the inside in some way, shape, or form in this area. So I'm here to share with you, I get it.  I'm sorry. Yes, they have real benefits and yes, people are falling in love and meeting through these mediums. At the same time, there is a significant percentage of emotionally dysfunctional human beings out there who are suffering deeply on the inside and yet because they want some companionship, some connection, some sex, that they put themselves out in the dating marketplace, there is a lot of wounded and troubled people temporarily trying to get a fix and yet they're incapable or unwilling to actually dive into a relationship. So we are in this struggle, we're in this fight to what it feels like the death. You know what the death is? It's the death of our dream. Raise your hand, say, yes, this is me, Jonathan, post this. I have a dream of actually meeting a wonderful, fantastic partner in my life. Let me just share this. Jonathan Asley has that dream. I have that dream. I wanna meet that wonderful, fantastic partner in my life.  I get this fight for the death is because we don't wanna lose our dream. It's the death of the dream that we're faced with. And I'm here to say, don't give up on your dreams. I'm not giving up on my dreams and I'm inviting you not to give up on your dreams. I just wanna put the odds in your face, may the odds forever be in your favor. So if you find yourself in a relationship right now where you're really questioning and you're unsure you should be in this relationship, here are five wonderful questions to ask yourself. This is an introspective assignment. And I'm gonna say them slowly. I'm gonna ask someone to post this. And if you're watching the replay, can someone post this as well? So again, I got this from watching Chris Williams and it was a Reddit thread. So the first question, I love this one. So you're uncertain about the relationship. Ask yourself this question.  Am I saying that? A lot of like, like your partner a lot. You are like them. Would that be a compliment? Would that be a compliment?  That's a really fascinating question because here's the interesting part of that. If you can't say definitively, if you have more negativity about your partner and someone says, well, you're just like that. You're with a partner who doesn't return phone calls.  You're with a partner who selfish or self-centric. You're with a partner that doesn't make time for you. You're with a partner who cares more about their business than they care about you. Would you wanna be characterized like that? Would that be a compliment if someone was talking about you in that way? I think this is a great introspective question. I really do. I just think that's a great question. Now, certainly there are going to be aspects of our partner we don't like, okay? But as a whole, if you don't feel like you'd wanna be like this person, why are you in relationship with them? Ask yourself this question. Because these are the deeper questions to ask yourself when you're unsure. Number two, are you truly fulfilled in this relationship or are you just less lonely? Are you truly fulfilled in this relationship or just less lonely? What a great question to ask. I would say so many men and women find themselves in relationships where they literally on a subconscious level say, I'd rather be in a mediocre relationship than no relationship at all. Isn't that sad? Isn't that sad that some people would rather have a mediocre relationship? Now, let me exclude those that are raising families and that sort of thing. My demographic is midlife, which I always say is after baby making years and before retirement.    We were together 24 seven because I work from home and she was retired and we spent a tremendous amount of time together and when the relationship ended, I went completely the opposite end by being by myself.  I'd much rather be in a committed relationship with someone where I feel fulfilled and my hope is it's the same for you. It's the same for you. Number three, are you able to be unapologetically yourself or do you feel the need to show up differently for your partner?  How many times do you stuff your voice? By the way, you guys know my duct tape. How many times do you stuff your voice? Do you hold back? Do you not share? Are you afraid to speak your truth or do you act differently as a way not to upset them? Folks, one of the chapters in my book, speak your truth, do it with kindness, chapter one. But chapter nine is if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. If you're speaking from your heart, you should be unapologetic about who you are. You should be unapologetic about who you are because we, listen, relationships require a bit of, I don't wanna use compromise, but compassion and love because there's no way to find someone who's perfectly in sync with you. It just doesn't exist. There's gonna be some, some ruffles and some ripples. It's not perfectly aligned. Sometimes the puzzle pieces don't fit exactly, but you know what? Through the work, through couples work, you can smooth out those edges so you can make it fit more aligned. You see, I'm a big proponent of couples doing actual couples therapy. Now, let me be clear. Therapy doesn't have to be a puzzle piece. Therapy doesn't have to be with a therapist. It can be a coach, it could be going to a workshop, but I'm here to encourage every couple right now to actively do some sort of counseling or therapy with your partner on a once a month basis. Oh my God, I know some of you are spinning out of control, but Jonathan, he won't do therapy with me. What does that say about how much he cares about the relationship if he's not willing to make effort to smooth out the edges? What does that say about him? Is that who you are? Are you a person that wants to form a healthy happy relationship?  I want you to be unapologetically yourself. And if someone isn't willing to work on smoothing out the edges, is that really a relationship worth having? Just an invitation for you. Number four, are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole? Or are you only in love with their good side, the potential of them or the idea of them? And I am guilty of this one. Oh my God, I am guilty of this one. Are you in love with the person as a whole? You know, I think we can find ways to smooth out the edges ourselves, but you really have to ask yourself. If you're caught, there's an old saying, men marry women hoping they don't change and women marry men hoping they do change. If you are seeking him to be different than who he is, is that really the relationship you wanna be in? And vice versa, this goes both ways. Are you in love with who the partner is right now as a whole or are you only in love with their good side, their potential or the idea of them? You know, it's interesting. I was watching a therapist who recently proposed to her partner on her radio show, okay? And to hear her talk about it, and by the way, she did the proposal.  What if he had said no? At least she knows where she stood in this relationship. I think having that conversation about where you want the relationship to go shouldn't be where do you think the relationship is going? As you state where the relationship is going and see if he's on board with it. But what I appreciate is that you could see in her eyes, she just absolutely 100% adores this man. She is deeply in love. See, I don't think we should do love half-ass. I don't think we should do love half-ass. I think many people do relationships half-ass, which is the reason why we have hookups, situationships, friends with benefits and casual relationships. That those four make up the majority of the relationships in the marketplace today. Do you know marriage and serious relationships don't make up as much as those other ones? If you're asking yourself, are you unsure about this relationship? It's probably because you're either a friends with benefits, situationship or casual relationship. Are you in love with the partner who is they are right now or the idea of them, their good side or the potential? And number five, would you want? Okay, I'm gonna tell you what the question is, but I tweaked it.   We're gonna change that for the midlife demographic, okay?  I love this question. I love this question. How many of you would say yes, truly say yes? You know, it's fascinating to me. Women will give advice, for example, to their friends, but don't take their own advice. They'll give the advice to their children, but they don't take their own advice. And so would you really want your twin sister or brother dating the person? If you are absolutely okay with them dating the person that you're in relationship with, by the way, it's an imagine twin sister, okay? Or twin brother, it's imagine. I forgot to include that. How would you feel about that? I love these five questions. If you're unsure about the relationship you're in, I think these are great introspective questions to look at to determine if this is really the right relationship for you. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know if it is. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below. I do my best to read them all. As always, if you like my video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell to be notified of new videos. And if you'd like to connect with me in the show notes, in the first comment, you can schedule a discovery call with me. You can join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. You can follow me on Instagram. You can get my dating vows all are listed below, all right? All right, great. All right, those who know my format know if you are live right now and you have a question, write the word question in the chat box and then post to your question thereafter. Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies in the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there with his brother, Colin. It's my son who passed away over five and a half years ago in his honor. We donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute and scholarships on private coaching as well. So again, hit that little dollar sign if you're watching the replay, hit that super thanks. Our goal tonight is $50, $50. And really quickly for those that want me to repeat the questions, if someone told you you are a lot like your partner, would this be a compliment?  Number three, are you able to be your unapologetic cell?  Or do you feel the need to show up differently with your partner? Are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole or are you only in love with the good side potential or the idea of them? And lastly, and this is my twist, if you had a twin imagine twin sister would you want them to date your partner? This was from Reddit, the five questions ask yourself if you're unsure about the relationship. All right, who has some questions? Our goal is $50. We'd like, oh, and if you wanna join the hot seat click this link right here.  Is it my voice that wakes you up? Okay, Jody's in the house. Just met a man online. We've been texting, but I'm not sure if I'm ready. How do I know? I just been out of a divorce for 15 months after being in a narcissistic relationship. Well, I guess a couple of questions to ask yourself. If you met a perfect great guy and he asked you to marry you, would you say yes? If the answer is no, then you possibly might want to hold up. Just that's one test. The other test is you mentioned narcissistic husband. Do you still, okay, are you in a contentious divorce with them or are you out of the divorce? Do you have a contentious relationship with them? Are you still charged by him? Are you, do you have any resentment, bitterness, jadedness towards him? Because that will bleed into, most likely bleed into any future relationship. I highly recommend doing the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and adult traumas. So I highly recommend reading this book as part of your work. Also, I would read the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, Jodi. This would be a great book. To really get a sense, are you ready for a new relationship? I would start with those two books, okay? So Jodi, thanks for that question. Hey, let's give Margaret some props for a $15 super sticker. That means our goal tonight is $35. We appreciate the love. Okay, Julie says, Jonathan is being yourself a good thing. Well, if you're asking me, I'm aware folks that I'm not perfect, okay? I always say that there's only 20% of the population is emotionally healthy. And I say I'm being rather generous. I think most humans are either have clinical issues or are dysfunctional. And I'm quite aware of my insecurities, my fears, my limiting beliefs. I'm aware on it. Or when I work with my coach, she draws attention to things that draw new attention for me. So I'm struggling with something, I wanna say with everybody because there's so much dating advice centered around the importance of men being confident and men of the leaders. And you need to be almost perfect to be out in the dating marketplace. I'm not perfect. I am riddled with, I have flaws, I have insecurities, I have uncertainties in my life. I'm a human being. I don't apologize for being a human being though. I don't apologize for, well, that would be lying though. I feel shame at times.  And by the way, if those of you saw the Barbie movie and you know that speech that America, what's her name, Ferrara? America, I don't think, I can't think of her last name right now. Every woman could empathize with that speech.  The average man is suffering no different than women. It's just a different variation of suffering. The problem with men is they don't know how to vocalize this suffering. And yet on a large scale basis, there's a significant percentage of men that are stuffing their emotions and feelings. And that's one of the reasons why men die nine years earlier than women. And why, or maybe six years earlier than women and why the suicide rate amongst men is nine times greater than women. And yet there's no conversations about what it's like to be a man because there's almost, it's like Chris Rock said, only dogs and women get unconditional love, but we don't. That's what it feels like.  It is not your job to heal a man. Let me repeat that. It's not your job to heal a man. He has to do that for himself. And if he's unwilling to do the work, if he's unwilling to go to even a therapist with you to help your relationship improve, then how serious is he in wanting a relationship? He might want companionship at his beck and call. He might want connection with you at his beck and call.  But that's casual at best. And I'm sorry I'm yelling. As the previous person said, I'm just waking you all up. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Hit that like button. Say, yes, Jonathan. That just resonated with me. Hey, Laura says, Jonathan, I just got your book, The Untethered Soul. It's not my book. And I'm also working on the Hoffman process. I just wanna let you go that. Lori, thank you so much. I appreciate it. This is Julie saying you wake me up. Okay, question. What's the difference between someone determined to find a partner versus desperate to have one? The determined person doesn't need someone. They don't need someone to love them to feel good about themselves. A desperate person does. A person who feels fulfilled and loves themselves, mostly loves themselves, is okay with their own company, isn't desperate. It's only those people that aren't okay with their company, and they don't really, they need someone to love them to feel good about themselves. That's probably the best definition I could ever give. Lisa says, we can all use some improvement, but I do appreciate my good parts. Amen to that. Jonathan, thank you for the content. My question is, what is the best way to, oh, this is Dehorah. What is the best way to avoid situations? Especially some men try to drag you into one. What to ask? Okay, great. Love this question. What are you seeking for in a relationship? What does a relationship look like for you? Okay, what does commitment look like for you?  That's it.  That's it. If he's not willing to agree to that, then let some other woman and her vagina be used, because that's what a guy is going to do. A man who isn't willing to explore, okay, let me maybe make it a little bit different, or technically what you're seeking in this boyfriend and girlfriend is an agreement of monogamy and exclusivity. So technically it isn't until you have sex the second time is that monogamous and exclusive. But I would say that I'm not going to be physically intimate with someone unless I'm monogamous and we've agreed on exclusively seeing each other.  And they're aware that these men might be dating multiple people. Don't stand for it. That's my invitation for you, okay? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Oh, Vicky, thank you for the $5 super sticker. That means we're only $30 away from our goal. Vicky's question, how do you accept not wanting to go out with others while waiting for a friend to come around that you like? We've been friends for a year. So if you like someone, do they know it? Do they know you like them? Do they know you're interested in going out on a date with them? You can always ask them out for coffee. And during that coffee date, you can talk about what their relationship goals are. And you can always put it on the table. What about me? Folks, unrequited love means you're hopeful that something's gonna happen, but that's just hope is magic fairy dust, Jonathan, because I know magic fairy dust always works because if I have enough magic fairy dust and I sprinkle it on him, all this magic fairy dust, he's gonna wake up. See, here's the thing, you're afraid to ask because I think deep down you already know the answer. But you know what? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I know, look at the women I shared with you before that did the marriage proposal. He said, yes. Look, and a broken clock is right twice a day. You could be the exception, but I will tell you, all the fantasy thinking in the world and magic fairy dust isn't going to change. So how do you accept not going out with others?  But being silent doesn't benefit you. There is nothing you can, there's not like, let me just tell you something. There's not, oh, Jonathan, the text message that's gonna make him erotically attract you and mouth all madly in love with you.  Ask him out for coffee, ask him about his relationship status and ask him about you. If he says no, that's okay too. Dale says, the words you're speaking are powerful. Thank you so much, I appreciate that. Hey, we're gonna thank Jody for the $5 Super Sticker. Now we're only $25 away from your goal.  You have such a good heart and great wisdom. Keep being you, we appreciate you. Oh, thank you, I appreciate the love, I really do. All right, let's keep you looking here. If you have a question, write the word question. Aurora's in the house. What can I do or say to a dear friend who continues to go back to a toxic man after leaving several times? Have her watch my YouTube channel. Most people caught in some sort of trauma bond with another human being. So many of you probably, I'm gonna give, it's gonna take me a long time to answer this question. So many of you probably wonder, how is it that Jonathan is a good communicator and is able to express his emotions? Well, let me tell you, this didn't happen overnight. This has been 15 plus years in the making. After losing my corporate high-end job where I was making a lot of money and I lived in a $2.2 million home at one point and going through a divorce and getting wiped out in the market clash crash of 2008, I had an incredibly humbling experience. In fact, it devastated me so much that I went to bed in 2009, wishing I didn't wake up. And I had two small children at the time. I had a 13 and a 10-year-old and I used to go to bed wishing I didn't wake up. I was miserable, I was doing drugs and I was doing cocaine and alcohol to get through the day. Actually, online dating was my other drug of choice which turned out to be my profession now or at least as a dating coach. While I share this with you as I reached a point, I had to hit rock bottom. Folks, I mentioned to you a moment ago, I used to live in a $2.2 million home. I actually had to move in with my mother and father at age 40 and they lived in a retirement community. And I had a 100 square foot room and this is after living in a multi-million dollar neighborhood, incredibly humbling event. I had to be brought to my knees. And then the movie, The Secret came out around that time and what the bleep and I used to see before that, I used to, I had a box of Tony Robbins CDs sitting on my dresser in my closet. Finally popped one out and started listening to it. Used to listen to it in the car with my sons. In fact, it's kind of funny. They loved Tony Robbins. And I began and I went to a personal development workshop. Okay, why am I sharing this with you, Aurora? It's because your friend most likely has to hit rock bottom before she's gonna make a change. Rarely do we listen to others' advice. Many of you don't listen to my advice. I repeat myself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. See, sometimes we need two by fours. Sometimes we need a 9.0 earthquake. Sadly, some people have to experience physical abuse before they get out of a toxic relationship. Did you ever see Sleeping with the Enemy? With Julia Roberts. So there's nothing really you can say because she's already so deeply rooted in this most likely, in this trauma-based relationship. She'd be the only way she's gonna have to most likely be humbled. It's the humbling experience that got me out to begin saying, I don't wanna die. I wanna live. And so little by little, I began reparenting myself from 2009 until today. 15 years ago, is that right? 15 years ago, yeah. Anyway, I hope that helps, thank you. Sally says, big bro to the rescue. Wise words of wisdom from Jonathan. Love your brutal honesty. Thanks for doing what you do. I appreciate that, thank you so much. Hey, Michelle is in the house. Thank you for the $10 super sticker. That means we're only $10 away from our goal of $50. Why don't we make it $100 tonight? So we're $60 away. Thank you so much. Margaret's in the house. When a man refuses to go to couples theory, what's often the issue? You know, there's a significant percentage of men who are absolutely afraid of addressing their emotional wellbeing. There's a significant percentage of men that are absolutely afraid of addressing their emotional wellbeing. Because we men were taught that going to therapy was for crazy people, you know, going to a psychiatrist. Does anyone remember the movie Crocodile Dundee? There's a scene where she's telling Crocodile Dundee about a psychiatrist. And he goes, what's a psychiatrist? And she goes, it's someone you tell your problems to. He goes, oh, we deal with that at the outback quite differently. You just tell Wally what's your problem and then everybody in the village knows about your problem. See, there's a significant percentage of men that won't go inward. And I'm here to say, folks, folks, I wanna read you something, okay? This is critically important. This happened to be the meme I posted today on Instagram, okay? This is so, thank you so much, Margaret, for this question. So this is a quote from me, okay? I'm gonna read you the quote. It says, beware of the man who doesn't talk about his feelings. A man can share his past from an emotional perspective. He can share his struggles he has at work. He can regularly say, I love you usually after you say it to him. And he can even ask you to move in with him, but that doesn't mean he deeply cares for you. The best way any man can show he cares is when he consistently opens up emotionally, sharing his feelings about you and what it feels like to be with you. Go to my Instagram, there's a link below. It's dated, whatever today's date is February 27th. Go to my February 27th Instagram. There's a link below to join my Instagram. But I wanna read you the post that goes with this. Some believe a man's sole purpose is to be a provider protector and initiate acts of service. These same folks believe a woman's emotions are irrational and her need for emotional connection will destroy a relationship. To that I say bunk. In a day and age when women are no longer dependent upon men to support them, even though some couples might have agreed on gender roles, the purpose of a romantic relationship might be a more profound need to be with each other. The need to heal our emotional wounds. What if being with each other wasn't about survival but supporting one another emotionally? This only works if both are willing to dive into the deep end of the emotional muck on a mature level. And yet often men are unwilling to lay down the armor they've been taught to wear, which blocks this emotional growth. It takes courage to open oneself up. And while some men are willing to do it partially, it doesn't work unless both are all in because steel is made through the fire. February 27th, my Instagram, there's a link below to read the entire post, okay? I hope that answers your question. I think I did, hope so. Kether Hall says, a broken clock is right twice a day. Exactly. Dora says, I asked earlier about how to avoid situationships. Thank you for the answer, but what is the best time to ask these questions? Before you, okay, before you become physically intimate, I would ask about what are you looking for in a relationship? What are you looking for a relationship? What does commitment? I would do this on the first telephone call. Folks, we should be doing a lot more telephone calls and vetting someone and then meeting because when you do your vetting before the phone call, then you can have a good time on the date. That's when I would do it. Sally says, it's not what you've got. It's who you are in this world that matters. Glad you're okay. Now healing others as well as yourself. Thank you so much, Sally. I appreciate that. Stephanie says, the raw passion coming out of your heart tonight is beautiful. Ah, thank you. Remember I said earlier, this is the hunger games. We are in a fight to the death because we don't want our dream of a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship where we're spending three or four days and nights a week together, doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together, getting married. Folks, that's my dream. That's my dream.  I'm here to put the odds in my favor, just like I'm here to put the odds in your favor, okay? Because we all could be Katniss Everdeen in the hunger games where we don't have to die.  But thank you, Stephanie. I appreciate those kind words. Lisa wants to remind everyone, repetition is the mother of skill, amen to that. Jennifer says, Jonathan, that was very intensely sad that what you went through. I'm glad you slowly pulled yourself through. You know, many of you know I lost a child. And I think how I got through that. Okay, by the way, my book is a tribute to him, okay? My book, where's the page? There's a page here somewhere. There's a picture of Connor, okay? It's a tribute to him and his honor. As painful as it was losing my son, and it broke my heart open gigantically, losing my identity 15 years earlier, or almost, no, wait, from the time he died, 13 years prior to his death. When I lost my identity, that was almost worse. And it took me a decade to rebuild myself, repair it myself emotionally. And I can't tell you how many hours of personal development, workshops, trainings, therapy, I've done.   Sometimes we have to be in the pit of despair to get out. But here's the thing. While my pit might've been gigantic compared to others, we all have a pit of despair. As I said earlier in this, we're all suffering in some way, shape, or form of, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable.  And I'm here to invite you all to peel the onion of who you are because inside of each one of us is an incredibly beautiful human being. Sometimes even the worst human beings have a heart of gold and it might not seem that way because they are, they've got so much armor, so much pain, so much hurt that all they can do is hurt others. If you've heard the phrase, hurt people, hurt people, it's hard to have compassion for hurt people. And yet, isn't that the most loving thing we can do? Is to, I don't mean, by the way, I am not here to suggest compromising a boundary for yourself and I'm not absolving anyone of blame, okay? Let me be clear about that. But true love is loving someone even in their frailty. Now again, that doesn't mean we should accept bad behavior. I'm never going to be an advocate for that, but we can still have compassion and we don't have to hold resentments, guilt, blame for people that have hurt us. We can, forgiveness is really for oneself. We don't have to forgive the other person, but we can certainly, forgiveness simply means forgiving love, giving ourselves an injection of love. That's the invitation I invite for all of you. Hey, who wants to join me on the hot seat before we wrap up tonight? By the way, what'd you guys think of my jacket tonight? I'm blazing in it, so I've got to take this off, okay? So thank you for being patient with me for a second. How'd I look with that jacket on? Okay, question, what is that white square behind you? White square, that's because there's too much black under the family photo. Yeah, there's just too much black. The black absorbs light. This, you know what people, I should have gotten a white bookshelf because the black absorbs a lot of the light. So I'm trying to do less absorption of light, okay? Thank you for that question. Lisa says, we are dependent upon men and vice versa. Women don't have to have, don't have the same hormones to be in the workforce like men do, just they don't. So that is not a true, okay, that might be a biological truth, but that's not the reality we live in. In fact, women outnumber men in the workforce today. We can all wish it to be different or what we can do is accept our current reality. Now, I know many of you would prefer to go back to a one-up, one-down relationship where the man was the provider protector, your job was to submit to that man. I'm not an advocate for that. If that's what you're looking for, go watch the Manisphere channel. Go watch those other channels. That's not what I'm here to advocate. I'm here to advocate for a woman's empowerment and a man's empowerment, particularly in the area of healing, childhood wounds and adult traumas so they can show up in relationship as an emotionally mature person, preferably with relationship skills. That's what I'm an advocate for, okay? Oh, Sandy, thank you so much. I hope your dream comes through. You deserve it, thank you. God, universe, spirit. As I say this for myself, I say this for everyone who is watching me at this very moment. God, universe, spirit, I invite in a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship where we have amazing chemistry with one another. In fact, we are mutually attracted to one another and it's just effortless the moment we meet. And the communication between us is off the charts and we have a sense of humor that's aligned with one another and our banter can go on for hours and hours at a time and we actually like to explore the nooks and crannies of bizarre thoughts, bizarre experiments in the emotional sense, whether it's something we're watching on TV or something we see on the news, we wanna explore it with depth with one another and our emotional well-being with one another because we have that kind of communication with one another. And we have lifestyles that are blendable with one another. We live just minutes from each other so we can actually spend regular time together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest and spending time with our family and friends. And we share the same values and we have the shared vision of what we see our future like and it's so perfectly aligned with each other. And we have built the deep roots of trust through our emotional connection, our agreement on money, our capacity to spend regular time together and our physical intimacy and our emotional intimacy which we build deep roots of trust. So we can withstand the storms that will occasionally come and when we do have a storm in our relationship or a little bump in the road, we can handle it from a mature sense because we do what's right for the relationship and not just what's right for ourselves. So it's not about being right, it's about being happy with one another. God, universe, spirit, I invite that in for myself and everyone who is watching me at this very moment.  All right, Elizabeth says that's my dream as well. That way to go, thank you. Yes, you got the prayer, it's right there. All right, let's keep going. Allie Skye, that's an unusual name, Allie Skye. My boyfriend goes to couples therapy with me and individual therapy. I've taken prior time for our self-work. Can we be together if I'm more healed and making less mistakes, needing more patience with him? You know, I'd be careful to assume you're more along than he is. I'd be curious to hear what your therapist says about it. But here's the thing. The main, the most important thing is a willingness to work together. You could couples, by the way, you know, when a couple is willing to work through their stuff, they can get through herculean problems in many cases when they're willing. If they're not willing, it makes it almost virtually impossible. So it sounds like he's willing, which is great. Okay, Holly wants to let me know you look good in that jacket. Thank you so much. It was getting too hot. People saying handsome in that jacket. Thank you so much. Okay, Barbara wants to respond. Hell no, I would hell no would I ever want to go back to woman being dependent on a man. I'm practicing discernment, embracing being happy single, men don't give any incentives these days to be in a relationship. Well, I'm sorry, but last sentence, I'm going to tell you something. It's not about incentives. It's about love. Love, I think, love is worth making the effort for. Love is worth making the effort for, in my opinion. So, you know, but I do agree. I don't believe women should, I don't believe any two people should be. Okay, look at there are certain relationships where certainly men make more money or women make more money and they are dependent upon that person. But there are an agreements between those in those relationships. They have agreements. The problem is when you're coming from a place of dependency, oftentimes the person with the most money can be rather controlling. That's not always the case. It's just most of the time or certainly frequently enough to be an issue. But I certainly don't believe because here's the problem with dependency. If that person lost their job or they died and they had no life insurance, you've always got to be dependent upon yourself. Okay, so, and to that woman who was married to a person that didn't have life insurance, guess what? To that one that you said, you know, women are dependent upon men financially. Sometimes you don't get the benefit of that, you know. Okay, just some things to consider. Oh, I like this. Gina says, everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. Yes, I love that phrase. And we get a lot of amends here. Okay, question. How do you get a man to open up and talk about his feelings? With a crowbar. Thanks, Diane. First lead by example and make requests. Talk about your feelings. Folks, I'm gonna tell you something. In any new relationship I'm in in the future, we're gonna, okay, I want you to think of it like this, okay?  And each week, you have a weekly meeting about the state of the law firm. It's the same thing, the state of the relationship. Once a week, you have meetings. Talk about the state of the relationship. Talk about your feelings towards one another. But Jonathan, we're just too busy doing things to entertain each other. And we're too busy spending all day texting with one another. And we're too busy talking on FaceTime together.  That's what a lot of you people find yourself in. You find yourself in these incessant text communication relationships. Instead of actually or spending all day entertaining one another and instead of getting into the real depth or the heart of a relationship. So you've been warned. So once a week, state of the union. You have a mission, you have an agreement.  Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. A lot of this book is geared for a younger demographic, but still worth it for those of us in midlife.  How do you get to open up? You say we're going to talk about our feelings and if he doesn't want to, then you say bye-bye. All right, let's keep going. You don't have to say goodbye, but say you're making a request. And if he doesn't meet that request, is he really truly a partner for you? That's an invitation you might want to look at. Question, he follows you on Instagram model. He follows Instagram models and likes pictures of asses. I already told him, I think it's disrespectful and why does he need to outsource that? I don't understand men who are in a relate, if I'm in a healthy happy relationship, the last thing, okay, I can appreciate someone's beauty. I can do that, I can appreciate someone's beauty. But if I'm in a happy relationship, I'm not doing it that often. I'm not doing it that often. So do you leave them, you make a request and if he's unwilling to talk about why this feels disrespectful to you and why if he genuinely cares about you, he won't do it. If he doesn't care about you, then I think you have your answer. By the way, I wanna address Lisa Buckner. Lisa Buckner, you and I have difference of opinion on relationships, we do not see eye to eye. You prefer a traditional type of relationship. I call them one up, one down because they often are that way, okay? We don't see eye to eye. So I don't know why you follow my channel but I've noticed you just so you know but Jonathan but I'm gonna say we disagree, okay? Lena question, he follows, oh, we already did that. Wait, have who arrested?  I don't know who that was for. That's the way I feel no commitment, no sexual contact.  That's the rules, okay? Hey folks, I think this would be a great place to wrap up. Oh wait, Nan had just because he doesn't, he don't do it. No more, does not excuse him. Okay, I don't know. I think you're talking about something else so I lost on that. Hey folks, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this video, post a comment below. I'd really appreciate hearing what you have to say. I do my best to read all comments within the first 24 hours so post a comment below. If you found value in this video, hey, do me a favor, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit the notification bell as well. And if you wanna connect with me, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. There's a link below. Follow me on Instagram, join my group called Midlife Love Mastery, get my dating vows, get the books I recommend all listed below and in the first comments. All right, I think this would be a great place to wrap up this video and I'm gonna do it as I always do. So I'll give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Sandy and Lena and Corny Cobb is in the house and Jane Spitfire and Margaret and thank you all for the love you gave tonight and Lighthouse and Aurora and Lisa and Billy Holt and Margaret. We said that Kathy and Ally Skye and Sally and eight, five, one, five, wait, eight, nine, one, five, four, three, two, Diane, Myra, Janet, everyone big hugs. Thanks for the love. Really appreciate it. Have a wonderful, fabulous evening. You be well. Take care. Bye now.