IGNATS by Ron Goulart This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Chris Pyle. IGNATS by Ron Goulart Cats. He couldn't stand the things, even when they had once been his best friends. Glen Whelan stepped back out of the way as the water came hissing up across the quiet night beach. He rolled his pants cuffs to turn higher and look back at Karen Wiley. And the whole thing is worse. Teachers, you know, look forward to vacations as much as kids. More. But I was almost afraid to come back here. Karen's cigarette glowed red in the darkness. But San Miguel is much brighter and cleaner. They even have a theater that shows nothing but foreign movies and three laundromats. Now the place is building up, Glen. Because of a bunch of oddballs who are tired of all the lunatic outfits in Los Angeles. Whelan moved to the girl's side. Why, even in Pasadena, people talk about San Miguel.  Well, every town is noted for something. Like one's the lettuce capital and another's the wine center. It certainly doesn't hurt San Miguel to be known. Whelan turned from the glare that the city's lights made against the faintly overcast sky. Ever since I was a kid, I've hated cats. They make me feel crawly all over, like persimmons do. Persimmons don't do any such thing, Karen said, tossing your cigarette at the foam below. So I come back to my old hometown, unpack my bags, and walk into my aunt's homey kitchen. And she springs it on me. What? She's one of them now, too.  My aunt now.  I get this crawly feeling. You're as touchy as Pavlov's dog. Everything makes you crawly. Well, look, Karen, you've been up at Cal most of the year. Doesn't the place seem odder to you? Whelan stepped next to a driftwood log. Doesn't it bother you?  I told you, Glenn. San Miguel looks newer and cleaner. Why, even the slums look better. I think they painted them. The only time we ever had a cat, when I was eleven, it made me sneeze. My aunt made me give it away. I wanted to drown it in a gunny sack, but she talked me out of it. Oh, you couldn't have. You're too tender and kindly. She held her hand out and motioned him down beside her. Whelan sat, feeling the sand, seep, and over the sides of his loafers. Maybe I'll talk to Neff. There should be a law against this kind of thing. Chief Neff, I doubt if he'll do anything. Why? Because he's so active on our Civic Public Relations Committee, and he owns a couple of motels. Whelan absolutely put his hand on Karen's shoulder. Now somebody must be against this, maybe Dr. Watchers. He was evident against free paper towels in the public johns. He passed away, Karen said, moving Whelan's arm around her with her shoulders. I could write to the governor, Whelan said, noticing Karen's soft, dark hair fluttering faintly over the tip of his nose. There must be a law against lycanthropy.  No, they checked on it. There is in one of the New England States. The dunking stool is the penalty, I think. Why, you said in a loud voice? Why, dunking? No, Whelan said, blowing her hair out of his face. Why do people want to turn into cats anyway? My God, it must feel crawly. Well, you know what Mr. Balderstone says. He's a quack. Perhaps, but nevertheless, he perfected a method of turning people into cats and back. And that's more than a lot of people have done. He can't be all quack. Karen relaxed and snuggled back against Whelan.  You might just as well invent an economical method of canning persimmons. Whelan shuddered. Cats.  Anyway, he says it's a great tension reliever. People get out of themselves, forget their troubles, aggressions. That's very important times like these when everyone is worrying about blowing up unexpectedly. Whelan tightened his arm around her. Damn, when I think of all those people going out to the old fairgrounds and turning into cats and yowling around it. Makes you crawly? Whelan turned her head up and kissed her. Karen's tongue shot around his and back and she pulled away.  Mr. Balderstone has a way of helping people relax. So what? What's that Latin thing about dispute tandem and all? Yeah, but a whole town? My town in yours? And it's given over to turning people into cats. My town in yours? You sound like Chief Neff. She kissed him on the cheek. Hey, last summer, we didn't spend all this time debating. Whelan smiled quickly. I'm maturing. Once you pass 26, you get wisdom. You'll see. I'll say if they want to be cats, let them. It's very good therapy. And Lord knows we need it. It's not right. Karen sighed. What was that comic strip when we were kids about the cat and the mouse? Cicero's cat? Crazy cat? She nodded. You're like that mouse. Always have to go around throwing bricks at the cats. And it always got him in trouble. Ignats. That was his name. Ignats mouse. That's who you are. Very profound insight. Whelan ran his hand down her back touching each of the white buttons on her sweater. I'm still going to do something about it. Though she was facing away, Whelan could feel her smile. Glenn, she said. He undid the first small button. Yeah. I went out there last week. And it is quite relaxing. I felt much happier this week. Whelan got to the second button before he realized what she had said. Karen, you're kidding. No. So you see it's nothing so terrible. Whelan stood up. Damn it. Karen rose, reaching behind her to rebutton her sweater. You're being pretty intolerant. Damn it. The whole town? He backed away as feet striking deep in the cold sand. Karen shrugged. Don't take it so big. She looked up at him, hopefully. Well, you'll at least drive me home. But lately Whelan said, Sure, come on. Near his car, he said quietly, I'm really going to get them. It wasn't until the next Wednesday that Whelan had his leaflets ready to hand out. The local printers had one way and another refused the job. He'd had to have them done in Santa Monica. The two Cub Scouts he'd hired to help him had both come down with something late Tuesday. Whelan stationed himself on Chambers Drive near the two largest tourist motels early on the clear June morning. He had handed out five of his anti lycanthropy leaflets when Chief Harold Neff drove up on his official motorcycle. Whelan spotted him a block away by his gold-painted crash helmet. It was the only one on the force. Hi there, Glen, said Neff, after he'd parked the cycle in a red zone. What are you up to? Whelan frowned at the Chief's broad tan face. I'm agitating, Hal. Neff rubbed his jaw. With that a permit, though? As a matter of fact, yes. The Chief nodded. You'll have to stop. You can't hand out those things without a permit. Whelan tucked his box of leaflets up under his arm. Who do I see about a permit? Me, Glen. Chief Neff flipped off his helmet and stroked his crew cut, looking down the street. Let's go down to the Blue Oasis and have a beer and talk. Can you drink while on duty? Beer. He took Whelan's arm. What about your motorcycle? Won't come to any harm. In one of the Blue Oasis' dark leather booths, Neff said, don't you like the way the Old Towns blossoming, Glen?  Why, even the slums are a sight to see, and San Miguel's getting to be a well-liked spot, like Capistrano and Disneyland. Being well liked is good for the town's civic pride. The Chief grinned at Whelan. I think there's something basically wrong with people turning into cats. Whelan made up his mind not to drink the beer. There might be something wrong in it if people did it out of spite or for mischief, Glen, but I think most competent authorities will agree that Mr. Baldrstone's method has a real, honest to gosh, therapeutic value. He looks straight at Whelan. There's a lot of nervous tension these days, Glen. Even teaching in Pasadena, you must have seen that. Well, Hal, I'll admit that. I just don't think Baldrstone's approach is any solution. Neff laughed. There's not really much solution to anything. He leaned back into the shadows in the booth corner. You're as interested in our town as anybody, aren't you, Glen? Growing up here, playing in the Little League, attending Grover Cleveland High? Sure, that's why I hate to see it taken over by some crackpot cult. You're entitled to your opinions, just don't hand them out in the form of leaflets. About that permit. Well, Glen, you know how tangled in red tape any government gets. It'll take time, even with me, putting the spurs to everybody. Oh, you're leaving the first part of September? Yeah, when school opens, Whelan pushed his glass away and slid out of the booth. It'll take until early September to get the permit, huh? No, with me seeing to it, you should have it by the end of August. He stood and shook hands, something about shaking hands with Chief Neff unsettled Whelan. Trying not to show it, he walked with Neff out into the light. Whelan was squatting, studying the bottom shelves of his aunt's refrigerator. He looked into an open tin of smoked oysters and decided against making a sandwich. He opened a can of beer and sat down at the white top table. This was the night his aunt went out to Balderstones. Whelan shivered. They even had special buses running out there. The doorbell rang a rather chimed attune. That had been a favorite of his aunt's during prohibition.  Hi, she said. Busy? Pretty much. She glanced at his hand. Can I have a beer? Whelan moved back so she could enter. After he'd taken her coat and brought her a beer, Karen said, What are you up to now? Well, I sent letters to both our local papers, but they haven't been printed. I suppose you know about my trying to hand out leaflets last week. Then I tried to rent a sound truck, but Neff says I need a permit for that, too. He sat down on his aunt's chintz-covered sofa. Now I'm doing a male campaign. Why don't you give up? Karen watched him with an anxious expression. What good are you doing? I think that every citizen has a right to act as he chooses. I mean, when an evil exists, it's the individual's right to try to combat it. With leaflets? In any way he can, Whelan said. She smiled. You just look silly, and you'll annoy people. Really, Glenn, what's wrong with all this? You're just judging others by your own standards. All this talk about good and evil. I don't think people should turn into cats, and if they have to, I don't think our town should encourage them. He clenched his fists. Why, they've got signs on the road now, telling how far it is to Baldrstone's temple or whatever he calls it. There's certainly nothing unethical in advertising, Glenn. You're not that narrow-minded. Whelan finished his beer and bent the can in half. He was angry enough to do it with one hand. Let's forget it. How have you been? Wonderful. She touched one hand to her temple. Very relaxed. Which is your night in the temple? Karen frowned. Well, I've only dropped out a couple of times. Rubbing, his hand slowed it together, Whelan said. I'm trying to start an anti-cat league, Karen. Would you join? Karen laughed and stood up. How many members have you got? I just started mailing yesterday. But so far? None.  Thanks for dropping in. Getting into her coat, Karen said, take it easy, Glenn, will you? I have to do what I think is right. Karen was smiling as he held the door open for her. It was a foggy night. Two nights after Whelan had picketed the fairgrounds and had been run off by Chief Neff. Whelan had decided to walk down toward the beach after dinner. His aunt wasn't speaking to him nor was she cooking for him. He got a hamburger to drive in across the road from the long, narrow San Miguel Beach, then wandered through the fog toward the last sidewalk before the sand. He heard a car slow behind him then saw the nose of a Ford convertible slide out of the thickening mist. Eventually he saw Karen, her dark hair and a thin scarf smiling him from behind the wheel. You mad, she called? Whelan finished the hamburger and wiped his hands on his pocket handkerchief. More or less. Want to come along for a drive? He came up to the passenger side of the front seat. Why don't you put the top down? I like the way the fog feels. Come on. She stretched across the front seat and opened the door. Some place in particular, he caught the door as it swung out. Well, yes, somebody wants to see you. Oh, he got in. You playing messenger now? Don't be nasty. This is for your own good or I wouldn't be doing it. Okay, I take your word for it. Whelan stretched his legs out as far as they would go and folded his arms. Karen made a U-turn on the smooth street and drove carefully back through the town. Near the fairgrounds Whelan asked, You're taking me to the meeting with you? Karen shook her head, turning the car sharply of a steep treeline street.  Here we are, she said, getting out of the car.  The fog was tightening in around them. A short man with a high lined forehead and cropped gray hair opened the door of the bungalow. Evening, Karen, he said, smiling. Mr. Baldurstone? Mr. Whelan, Karen said. Whelan nodded and came into the house after her. Baldurstone stopped in front of a deep fireplace. Thought we ought to have a chat. I hear you mentioned me in your service the night I picketed your place, Whelan said. Explained to newcomers that you were the town eccentric. Baldurstone's heavy gray eyebrows slanted toward each other. People come to my lectures, don't call them services, to unbind, to relax. Don't like to have somebody shouting at them through a megaphone and waving signs, Whelan. He crossed the room. Drink? Whelan shook his head, glancing at Karen.  Scotch and soda, she said to Baldurstone. After he made the drinks, Baldurstone said, Some consider me a benefactor, Whelan. I have invented a somewhat unique thing, applied like Anthropy. Though most people think of that as involving only wolves, he gestured and ice rattled in his glass. Cats have a much higher therapeutic value. It's essential, Whelan, for people to get out of themselves now and then, to find relief from tensions so that their lives may be more rewarding and satisfying. He moved closer to Whelan, who was still standing near the door. These are troubled times, Whelan. I've told him that myself, Karen said, trying her Scotch. The results of applied like Anthropy have been most positive. Not only have people been helped, but San Miguel has been helped. Don't think other cities wouldn't jump at the chance to have me locate there. He cleared his throat. As a matter of fact, we're considering opening branches. It's my intention to help the entire world. And it's my intention to run you out of town, Whelan said.  At any rate, I simply want to point out that many of us are annoyed by you. I don't think you want that. Yes, I do. I'm out to get you.  Baldurstone scratched his nose, leaflets, pamphlets, letters, demonstrations. And now I get word that you've been going around to pet shops and florists trying to buy large quantities of catnip. Nobody has any. Of course not. And I also find that yesterday you visited the Humane Society in Santa Monica and tried to buy several big dogs. The trouble with you, Whelan, you've got no civic pride. Whelan smiled. I'm as proud of San Miguel as anybody. And further, Whelan, you can't stand to see people have a good time, and even worse, you're against scientific progress. I'm sure that had you lived in Austria, at the end of the last century you would have sent Sigmund Freud crank letters. He wasn't a quack. You annoy me more up close than at a distance. The two of them were drifting closer to each other. Karen jumped up. Mr. Baldurstone, perhaps if Glenn attended one of your lectures he wouldn't be so prejudiced. I don't want him sulking around my talks. But it might convince him. Baldurstone squinted one eye. Hmm, perhaps. Whelan shook his head. I wouldn't go near one. Oh, that's right, Mr. Baldurstone. Cats make him feel crawly. Baldurstone stroked his chin. You're in need of help yourself, Whelan. Couldn't he stand backstage? Karen came and took Whelan's arm.  He'd heckle, said Baldurstone, checking his watch. But if you're willing to vouch for him. I'm not going near that place, Whelan said, unless it's to burn it down. Baldurstone tightened his tie and studied Whelan's face. Destroy city property, fine citizen you are. Karen tightened her grip on Whelan's arm. Come, Glenn. I know you'll think differently. When you see the fine work Mr. Baldurstone is doing. Baldurstone was half in a closet, selecting an expensive-looking coat. Whelan said quietly to Karen. You're not going to... Change? Not tonight. Please come. I want you to be convinced. Whelan was aware that wouldn't happen, but he was curious. All right. Everyone was smiling when they started for the fair rounds. Baldurstone's platform was set up at the edge of the field where tents were once pitched. Just to the left of the platform was the old merry-go-round that had become city property, after the last carnival had gone broke. Baldurstone's narrow stage was backed by canvas flats, and Whelan and Karen stood behind one of these on some machinery crates, watching the audience through a peephole in the canvas. This is a my idea backstage, Whelan said, taking his eye from the hole so Karen could peek. All of Mr. Baldurstone's money goes into improving his process and things like that. The night was getting colder, and high mist hung over the fair grounds. Only half of the bench seats were filled, meaning probably about three hundred in attendance. When Whelan looked out again, the lights around the field had dimmed, and the two young men with blonde curly hair and double-breasted suits had stopped taking donations at the entrance arch. Baldurstone left the folding chair he'd been sitting in and walked slowly across the stage planks to the mic. Nothing like a touch of coal to keep people home at night, he said, acknowledging with a grin the laughter that followed.  Think you'll find copies of this tack to your seats.  If not, best leave through it. About a third of the heads ducked to look for the leaflet. Baldurstone pinched his nose and briefly glanced at the peephole. Karen slipped a leaflet into Whelan's hand. He tossed it aside. You want to look again? No, I know the procedure. You keep watching. You're the one we want to convince. She squeezed his arm gently. Lots of worry these days, Baldurstone said. People don't know where their next worry is coming from. Most of their heads, except the ones that were still bent over the leaflet, nodded in agreement. Lots of problem people just can't solve. But they still want to give it a try. Baldurstone's voice grew louder. One more chance at bat. That's not the way. Worrying about problems causes fretting. Fretting produces tension. Tense people aren't happy people. Baldurstone's hands came up in front of his chest, gradually clenching.  At least for a while. That's important. That's what is called escape. It's good for you. Applied like Anthropy. The lights had been dimming all through his last sentences. A few yards from the merry-go-round, the blonde young man had a bonfire going. We're going to lose all those worries. We're not going to fret. Not now, not for a while. Baldurstone's voice seemed to have taken on some of the crackle of the fire. Every one of you should have a capsule. Now, who doesn't? A dozen hands went up, and one of the young men ran through the crowd, giving out capsules for an orange cardboard box. Baldurstone had stepped out of Wheeland's range, but he appeared wheeling something that looked like a giant sun lamp. It was half again as tall as he was. He's got enough quack equipment, Wheeland said. Be still, Karen said, her hold tight now on his arm. We're going to change, shouted Baldurstone, not using the microphone. When I say swallow, I want you all to swallow those capsules.  Because when I turn on my applied lycanthropy beam, things are going to start happening. He had reached the platform edge and was crouched there, teetering. Now, one, two, three, swallow. Baldurstone dived for the beam and clicked it on. Ties and hats shot up into the air, coat sleeves flapped, became entangled with print dresses and lace slips. Looks like Annapolis on graduation day, Wheeland said softly, starting to feel uneasy. The beam was played over the audience, slowly from left to right. All the lights were out and there was only the dim orange flicker of the bonfire. Relax, relax, Baldurstone shouted. Change! He dropped and sat on the stage edge. There was a sputtering howl near the entrance and a large black cat leaped up, clawing at the air, twisting and falling back. Wheeland couldn't breathe, couldn't tell Karen to stop her fingernails from digging into his skin. Great yowling cats were popping up across the field faster and faster. Wheeland noticed his dentist still hadn't gotten his striped shorts off. Then he jerked back against Karen and they both tumbled off the crates. Run, he said. Karen twisted up and caught him. No, Glen, wait. Till they change back, you'll see how happy and calm they all are. You'll be convinced. Cats, he said, pulling away. Run! He ran. Jumped the fence beyond the rodeo area and stumbled away into the brush. He got home in under an hour. It was mostly downhill. Two nights later, Wheeland set fire to Baldurstone's bungalow while he was away at the lecture. The fire department put out the fire before more than half the house was gone. Early on the following morning, he rented an airplane and had his remaining leaflets dropped over San Miguel. Wheeland had decided that if he couldn't do anything positive, he was still going to annoy Baldurstone and anybody else who was on his side. No one mentioned his harassing actions to him, not even Chief Neff. Wheeland's aunt did indicate that she would never cook another meal or wash another pajama top for him. He moved into a rundown motel near the ocean. He had been there nearly three days when, just after sundown, someone knocked on the door. It was Karen, wearing a light cotton dress or hair pulled back. Are you comfortable, Glen? He smiled. Yeah, I like this business now. I've been thinking of new activities. Karen frowned around the room. Like to come out for a walk? Where? Oh, along the beach.  It's not damp. That's the fresh sea air you feel. He picked up a windbreaker off the bed and nodded at the door. So let's walk. The night was warm, but heavy with fog. Sorry I left you up there the other night, Karen, but you know. Yes, I know. Cats make you feel crawly. She took his hand when they reached the sidewalk and pulled him after her in the direction of the beach.  Who else? You think I've gotten any recruits? The street was quiet. They left the last sidewalk and walked down through scrubby brush to the beach. The water looked blurred as it touched the misty shore. Just me. Karen shivered and stepped away from Whelan. You made an awful nuisance of yourself, Glen. I've always been very fond of you, as I'm sure you know, but I'm very sorry. She darted in suddenly and pushed hard. The surprise and the clump of brush behind him sent Whelan over into the sand. When he got to his knees and looked around, he caught a brief flicker of Karen's skirt in the fog. Then she was lost. He stood. He tried to brush himself off, but his hands had started to shake. And he was beginning to feel odd in the stomach. Wind came in, then, across the water and scattered some of the mist. He saw the cats. Dozens of them crouched twenty yards away. Their tails were switching and Whelan became aware of a puzzling, whirring sound. Purring. In another gust, more mist scattered, and Whelan realized that he was cut off from the town by a half circle of hundreds of cats. And they were continually edging down across the sand toward him. Hundreds of damned cats. They made Whelan feel so crawly he couldn't move. But if he didn't move soon, the first of the cats would touch him. That thought made him jump back. The cats moved up. The sand was sucking at his shoes. He could feel the chill of the ocean on the back of his neck. Maybe if he ran straight at them, they'd scatter. But he couldn't do that. They knew that, too. The cats eased a little nearer. Whelan bent and grabbed off his shoes, then his socks. He backed into the cold, wet sand near the water. He got out of his clothes, all except his shorts. He'd have to come ashore someplace. The cats were close now. For a moment, Whelan thought he wouldn't be able to move, but finally he was able to grin and thumb his nose. Then he ran quickly out into the water. It was dark and cold, but he was a fair swimmer. He could make it down the coast a quarter mile or so. Far enough. As he swam, Whelan made up his mind he'd never come back to his hometown again. Not even for Christmas. In the Vignettes by Ron Goulart. Recording by Chris Pyle. Out of this world convention by Forrest J. Ackerman. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. I was a spy for the FBI. The fantasy burial of investigation. Learning of a monster meeting of science fiction fan in New York, I teleported myself 3,000 miles from the Pacific Coast to check the facts on the monsters. And it was true. The 14th world sci-fi con was tremonstrous. In all seriousness, the New York con was one of the greatest aggregations of SF enthusiast I have ever seen. A far cry from the MY con, the first world SF con of 17 years before, when the turnout of 125 was considered colossal. Now, more than 1200 fans, authors, editors, artists, publishers, agents, anthologists, reviewers and readers of science fiction and fantasy registered for the Labor Day weekend gathering of the clans, a conclave of the slans. From 37 of the 48 states they came and from Canada, Cuba, England, Germany, India, Israel and the West Indies. The roll call of celebrities read like the who's who of SF proton. Theodore Sturgeon, Isaac Asimov, Fritz Leiber, Willy Lay, Nelson Bond, John W. Campel, Jr. El Sprague de Kemp, James Splish, Judith Merrill, Ted Carnell, editor of New Worlds, Kelly Fries, Edmund Hamilton, Leigh Brackett, Anthony Boucher, William Ten, James Egon, Frank Belknap, Long Jr. and numerous others, including guest of honor, Arthur C. Clarke. A standing ovation was given Arthur Clarke before and after his speech at the banquet. A serious address that lasted 45 minutes and covered many philosophical facets of the SF field. Especially rousing hands were given two of the real old-timers present, artist Frank R. Paul, guest of honor of the first convention and out of the arc, the man who was once was in assistance to Thomas Alva Edison, the pioneer novelist of scientific romances and the man who discovered the golden atom. Ray Cummings, world-famous cartoonist Al Cap gave a hilarious speech at the banquet Sunday night. Other large laughs being garnered on the occasion by Isaac Asimov and Anthony Boucher, Robert Block again, proving that he has no peer as a master of ceremonies. The masquerade ball was filmed for the televising and was a sight for bugging eyes. Extra-terracial glamour girls came in spectromatic colors. One, Ruth Lendez of Venus, formerly New York, was a verdant beauty, fresh as a breath of chlorophyll. While Tom Ottison, a recent import from England, had the judges agreeing that just looking at her was an education. Olga Leigh won for the most beautiful costume and Joss Kristoff, a survivor from the first convention of the mall, was another prize winner. Monsters, mutants, scientists, spacemen, aliens, and assorted things throwing the ballroom floor as the flashballs popped. John Campbell lectured on and demonstrated his controversial psionic Hieronymus machine and famous fans sprang from Der Wude workout, Sam Moskowitz, James Taurasi, Bob Tucker, Julius Unger, Raymond Van Halten, Alan Glasser, David Kyle, E.E. Evans, James Taurasi, myself, and two others were elected directors of the World Science Fiction Society. No account of the New Yorkon could be complete without the deep ball of appreciation from the altruistic trail of comedy men, including one calmly woman who all but destroyed themselves engineering the convention, David A. Kyle, Ruth Lenders, and Dick Ellington. By a vote of three to one, London was selected as the site of the 15th con to be held in 57. For an unforgettable experience in the fantastic universe of science fiction enthusiasts, plan now to attend the long con end of Out of This World Convention by Forrest J. Ackerman. Call me Zeus, said the director. Zeus, said his wife, a beautiful woman not over a thousand years old. What an egomaniac. Compare yourself to a god, even if he is the god of those savages. She gestured at the huge screen on the wall. It showed far below the blue sea, the black ships on the yellow beach, the purple tents of the Greek army, the broad brown plain, and the white towers of Troy. The director glared at her through hexagonal dark glasses and puffed on his cigar until angry green clouds rolled from it. His round bald head was covered by a cerise beret, his porpoise frame by a canary yellow tunic, and his chubby legs by iridescent green four-pluses. I may not look like a god, but as far as my power over the natives of this planet goes, I could well be their deity, he replied. He spoke sharply to a tall, handsome blonde youth who wore a crooked smile and bright blue and yellow tattoo spiraling around his legs and trunk. Apollo, hand me the script. Surely you're not going to change the script again, said his wife. She rose from her chair, and the scarlet web she was wearing translated the shifting micro voltages on the surface of her skin into musical tones. I never changed the script, said the director. I just make the slight revisions required for dramatic effects. I don't care what you do to it. Just so you don't allow the Trojans to win.  Apollo laughed loudly, and he said, ever since she and Athena and Aphrodite thought of that goofy stunt of asking Paris to choose the most beautiful of the three, and he gave the prize to Aphrodite, Harris hated the Trojans. Really, Hera, why blame those simple likeable people for the actions of only one of them? I think Paris showed excellent judgment. Aphrodite was so grateful she contrived to get that lovely Helen for Paris, and enough of this private feud, snapped the director. Apollo, I told you once, to hand me the script. Achilles at midnight paced back and forth before his tent. Finally, in the agony of his spirit, he called Athena. The radio, which had been installed in his shield, unknown to him, transmitted his voice to a cabin in the great spaceship hanging over the Trojan plane. Thetis, hearing it, said to Apollo, get out of my cabin you heal or I'll have you thrown out. Leave, he said. Why? So you can be with your barbarian lover? He is not my lover, she said angrily, but I take even a barbarian as a lover before I'd have anything to do with you. Now get out, and don't speak to me again unless it's in the line of business. Any time I speak to you, I mean business, he said grinning. Get out or I'll tell my father. I hear an obey, but I'll have you one way or another. Thetis shoved him out. Then she quickly put on the suit that could bend light around her to make her invisible and transport her through the air and do many other things. Out of a porch she shot straight toward the tent of her protégé. She did not decelerate until she saw him standing tall in the moonlight, his hand still raised in a treaty. She landed and cut the power off so he could see her. Mother, mother, cried Achilles. How long must I put up with Agamemnon's high-handedness? Thetis took him by the hand and led him into the tent. Is Petrocla surround? She asked. Now he is having someone with Eifus that buxom beauty I gave him after I conquered the city of Skiros. There is a sensible fellow, said Thetis. Why don't you forget this fuss with King Agamemnon and have fun with some rosy cheek darling? But a painful expression crossed her face as she said it. Achilles did not notice the look.  I am full up to here with being a lion in the fighting and at having to give that jackal Agamemnon the lion-share of the loot just because he has been chosen to be our leader. Am I not a king in Thessaly? I wish. I wish. Yes, said Thetis eagerly. Do you want to go home? I should go home. Then the Greeks would wish they'd not allowed Agamemnon to insult the best man among them. Oh Achilles, say the word I'll have you across the sea and in your palace in an hour, she said excitedly. She was thinking the director will be furious if Achilles disappears, but he won't be able to do anything about it, and the script can be revised. Hector or Odysseus or Paris can play the lead role. No, Achilles said. I can't leave my men here. They'd say I had run out on them that I was a coward and the Greeks would call me a yellow dog. No, I'll allow no man to say that. They decide and answered sadly very well. What do you want me to do? Go ask Zeus if he will give Agamemnon so much trouble he'll come crawling to me, begging for forgiveness and pleading for my help. They decide to smile. The enormous egotism of the beautiful brute, taking it for granted that the lord of creation would bend the course of events so Achilles could salvage his pride. Yet, she told herself, she did not be surprised. He had taken it calmly enough the night she'd appeared to him and told him that she was a goddess and his true mother. He had always been convinced divine blood ran in his veins. Was he not superior to all men? Was he not Achilles? I will go to Zeus, she said. But what he will do, only he knows. She reached up and pulled his head down to kiss him on the forehead. She did not trust herself to touch the lips of this man who was far more a man than those he's supposed to be gods. The lips she longed for, the lips soon to grow cold, she could not bear to think of it. She flicked the switch to make her invisible and, after leaving the tent, rose toward the ship. As always, it hung at 4,000 feet above the plain, hidden in the inflated plastic folds that simulated a cloud. To the Greeks and Trojans, the cloud was the home of Zeus, anchored there, so he could keep a close eye on the struggle below. It was he who would decide whether the walls of Troy would stand or fall. It was to him that both sides prayed. The director was drinking a highball in his office and working out the details of tomorrow's shooting with his cameramen. We'll give that Greek diametes a real break, make him the big hero, get a lot of close-ups. He has a superb profile and a sort of flair about him. It's all in the script, what aristocrats he kills, how many narrow escapes and so on. But about noon, just before lunch, we'll wound him. Not too badly, just enough to put him out of action. Then we'll see if we can whip a big tear-jerker between that Trojan and his wife. What's her name? He looked around as if he expected them to feed him the answer, but they were silent. It was not wise to know more than he. He snapped his fingers. Andromache, that's it. What a memory! How do you keep all those barbaric names at your tongue's tip? Photographic! And so on, from the succifants. Okay, so after diametes leaves the scene, you, Apollo, will put on a simulacrum of Helenos, the Trojan prophet. As Helenos, you will introduce Hector to go back to Troy and get his mother, the Queen, to pray for victory. We can get some colorful shots of the temple and the local religious rites. Meantime, we'll set up a touching domestic scene between Hector and his wife. Bring in their baby boy. A baby's always good for o's and o's. Later, after coffee break, will Apollo drifted through the crowd toward the director's wife. She was sitting on a chair and mootily drinking. However, seeing Apollo, she smiled with green painted lips and said, Do sit down, darling. You needn't worry about my husband being angry because you're paying attention to me. He's too busy shining down on his little satellites to notice you. Apollo seated himself in a chair facing her and moved forward so their knees touched. What do you want now? She said. You only get lovey-dovey when you're trying to get something out of me. You know I love only you, Hera, you said, grinning. But I can't meet you as often as I'd like. Old thunder and lightning is too suspicious. And I value my job too much to risk it, despite my overwhelming passion for you. Get to the point. We're way over our budget and past our deadline. The shooting should have finished six months ago. Yet old fussy bridges keeps on revising the script and adding scene after scene. And that's not all. We're not going home when Troy does fall. The director is planning to make a sequel. I know because he asked me to outline the script for it. He's got the male lead picked out, Foxy Grandpa Odysseus. Hera set up right so violently she sloshed her drink over the edge of her glass. Why, my brother means to kill Odysseus at the first opportunity. My brother is mad, absolutely mad, about Athena. But he can't get to first base with her.  Athena claims he has an intelligence equal to any of us, said Apollo. However, it's not her and Thetis, I meant to discuss. Is my stepdaughter interfering again? I think so, just before this conference I saw her coming out of the director's room, tears streaming from her big cow eyes. I imagine she was begging him again to spare Achilles. Or at least to allow the Trojans to win for a while so Agamemnon will give back to Achilles the girl he took from him, that tasty little dish, Briseus. You ought to know how tasty she is at Hera bitterly. I happen to know you drugged Achilles several nights in a row and then put on his simulacrum. A handy little invention that simulacrum, said Apollo. Put one on and you can look like anybody you want to look like. Your jealousy is showing Hera, however that's not the point.  Frankly, I'd like to shake the dust of this crummy planet for my feet, give back to civilization before it forgets what a great scriptwriter I am. What do you propose? I propose to hurry things up. Eventually Achilles is supposed to quit salking and take up arms again. So far the director has been indefinite on how we'll get him to do that. Well, we'll help him without his knowing it. We'll fix it so the Trojans will beat the Greeks even worse than the director intends. Hector will almost run back into the sea. Agamemnon will beg Achilles to give back into the ring. He'll give him back the loot he took from him including Bersias and he'll offer his own daughter in marriage to Achilles. Achilles will refuse but we'll have him set up for the next move. Tonight a technician will implant a post-hypnotic suggestion in Achilles that he send his buddy Petroclas dressed in Achilles' armor out to scare the kilts off the Trojans. We'll generate a panic among the Trojans with a subsonic projector. Then we'll arrange it so Hector kills Petroclas. That is the one thing to make Achilles so fighting mad he'll quit salking. Petroclas. But the director wants to save him for the big scene when Achilles is knocked off. Petroclas is supposed to put Achilles' armor on, storm the sea and gate and lead the Greeks right into the city. Accidents will happen, said Apollo. Despite what the barbarians think, we are not gods. Where are we? What do you say to my plan? If the director finds out we've tampered with the script, he'll divorce me. And you'll be black-balled in every studio from one end of the galaxy to the other. Apollo winked and said, I'll leave it to you to make old stoop think Petroclas's death was his own idea. You have done something like that before and more than once.  Heroes, not a heel. Just a great script writer. Our plan will give me a chance to kill Achilles much sooner than the director expects. And it'll all be for the good of the script. That night, two technicians went into the Greek camp, one to Achilles' tent and one to Agamemnon's. The technician assigned to the king of Mycenae gave him a whiff of sleep gas and then taped two electrodes to the royal forehead. It took a minute to play a recording and two to untape the electrodes and leave. Five minutes later the king awoke, shouting that Zeus had sent him a dream in the shape of wise old Nestor. Nestor had told him to rouse the camp and march forth. Even if it were only dawn for today Troy would fall and his brother Menelaus would get back his wife Helen. Agamemnon though, who had always been too clever for his own good, told the council of elders that he wanted to test the army before telling them the truth. He would announce that he was tired of this war they could not win and that he wanted to go home. This news would separate the slackers from the soldiers, his true friends from the false. Unfortunately, when he told this to the assemblage, he found far less men of valor than he had expected.   The fields were growing weeds and their children were starving. In vain Agamemnon tried to stop the rush. He even shouted at them what they had only guessed before. That more was at stake than his brother's runaway wife. If Troy was crushed, the Greeks would own the trading and colonizing routes to the rich Black Sea. But no one paid any attention to him. They were too concerned with knocking each other over in their haste to get the ships ready to sail. At this time the only people from the spaceship on the scene were some camera men and technicians. They were paralyzed by the unexpectedness of the situation and they were afraid to use their emotions stimulating projectors. By the flick of a few switches the panic could be turned into aggression. But it would have been aggression without a leader. The Greeks instead of automatically turning to fight the Trojans would have killed each other sure that their fellows were trying to stop them from embarking for home. The technicians did not dare to awaken the director and acknowledged they could not handle a simple mob scene. But one of them did put a call through to one of the director's daughters, Athena. Athena zipped down to Odysseus and found him standing to one side looking glum. He had not panicked but he also was not interfering. Poor fellow he longed to go home to Penelope in the beginning of this useless war he had pretended madness to get out of being drafted but once he had sworn loyalty to the king he could not abandon him. Athena flicked off her light bender so he could see her. She shouted Odysseus don't just stand there like a lump on a bog do something or all will be lost the war the honor of the Greeks the riches you will get from the loot of Troy get going. Odysseus never had a loss tore the wand of authority from the king's numbed hand and began to run through the crowd. Everybody he met he reproached with cowardice and backed the sting of his words with the hard end of the wand on their backs Athena signaled to the technicians to project an aggression stimulating frequency. Now that the Greeks had a leader to channel their courage they could be diverted back to fighting. There was only one obstacle their sighties.  Their sighties cried out in a hoarse, jeering voice Agamemnon don't you have enough loot? You still want us to die so you may gather more gold and beautiful Trojan women in your greedy arms? You Greeks you're not men your women who will do anything this disgrace to a crown tells you to do. Look what he did to Achilles. Robbed him of Odysseus and in so doing robbed us of the best warrior we have.  We put up with your outrageous abuse long enough shouted Odysseus. He began thwacking their sighties on the head and the back until blood ran.  At this the whole army which hated their sighties roared with laughter. Odysseus had relieved the tension. Now they were ready to march under Agamemnon's orders. A thing aside with relief and radio back to the ship that the director could be awakened. Things were well in hand. And so they were until a few days later when Apollo and Hera waiting until the director had gone to bed early with a hangover from the night before induced Hector to make a night attack. The fighting went on all night and a dawn patroclus ran into Achilles' tent. Terrible news he cried. The Trojans have breached the walls around our ships and are burning them. Diomedes, Agamemnon, and Odysseus are wounded. If you do not lead your men against Hector all is lost. Too bad said Achilles but the blood drained from his face. Don't be so hard hearted shouted Patroclus. If you won't fight at least allow me to lead the Mermidans against the enemy. Perhaps we can save the ships and drive Hector off. Achilles shouted back very well. You know I give you my best friend anything you want but I will not for all the gold in the world serve under a king who robs me of prizes I took with my own sword. However I will give you my armor and my men will march behind you. Then sobbing with rage and frustration he held Patroclus dress in his armor. You see this little lever in the back of the shield he said. When an enemy strikes at you flick it this way. The air in front of you will become hard and your foe's weapon will bounce off the air. Then before he recovers from his confusion flick the lever the other way the air will soften and allow your spear to pass and the spearpoint will shear through his armor as if it were cheese left in the hot sun. It is made of some substance harder than the hardest bronze made by the hand of man. So this is the magic armor your divine mother Thetis gave you said Patroclus. No wonder even without this magic or force field as Thetis calls it. I am the best man among Greek or Trojans said Achilles matter of factly. There now you are almost as magnificent as I am. Go forth in my armor Patroclus and run the Trojans ragged. I will pray to Zeus that you come back safely. There is one thing you must not do though no matter how strong the temptation do not chase the Trojans too close to the city even if you are on the heels of Hector himself. Thetis has told me that Zeus does not want Troy to fall yet. If you were to threaten now the gods would strike you down. I will remember said Patroclus.   How in space did the Trojans get so far he screamed? And what is Patroclus doing in Achilles armor? There is rank inefficiency here or else Sculpt Duggery. Either one heads will roll and I think I know who's Apollo, Hera, what have you two been up to? Why husband said Hera, how can you say I had anything to do with this? You know how I hate the Trojans as for Apollo he thinks too much of his job to go against the script. All right we'll see. We'll get to the bottom of this later. Meanwhile let's direct the situation so it'll end up conforming to the script. But before the camera men and technicians could be organized Patroclus leading the newly inspired Greeks slaughtered the Trojans as a lion kills sheep. He could not be stopped and when he saw Hector running away from him he forgot his friends warning and pursued him to the walls of Troy. Follow me yelled Patroclus to the Greeks we will break down the gates and take the city within an hour. It was then Apollo projected fury into Hector so that he turned to battle the man he thought was Achilles and Apollo timing to coincide with the instant that Patroclus flicked off his force field struck him a stunning blow from behind. At the same time a spear thrown by a Trojan wounded Patroclus in the back. Dazed hurt the Greeks started back toward his men but Hector ran up and stabbed him through the belly finding no resistance to his spear because Patroclus had not turned the force field back on. Patroclus at the ground with a crash of armor.  Thetis who had been standing behind the director burst into tears and ran into her cabin what's the matter with her asked the director you may as well know darling said Hera that your daughter is in love with a barbarian Thetis in love with Patroclus impossible Hera laughed and said ask her how she feels about the planned death of Achilles that is whom she is weeping for not Patroclus she foresees Achilles death in his friends and I imagine she will go to comfort her lover knowing his grief when he hears that Patroclus is dead that's ridiculous if she's in love with Achilles why would she tell Achilles she is his mother for the very reason she loves him but doesn't want him to know she at least has sense enough to realize no good you come from a match with one of those earth primitives so she stopped any passes from him with that maternal bit if there is one thing the greeks respect it is the incest taboo I'll have him knocked off as soon as possible Thetis might lose her head and tell him the truth poor little girl she's been away from civilization too long we'll have to wind up this planet and get back to God's planet Harrow watched him go after Thetis and then switch to a private channel Apollo the director is very angry with you but I've thought of a way to smooth his feathers we'll tell him that killing Patroclus was the only way to get Achilles back into the fight he'll like that Achilles can then be slain and the picture will still be saved also I'll make him think great replied Apollo his voice shaky with dread of the director but what can we do to speed up the shooting Patroclus was supposed to take the city after Achilles was killed don't worry said Athena who had been standing behind Hera Odysseus is your man he's been working on a device to get into the city barbarian or not that fellow is the smartest I've ever met too bad he's an earth man during the next 24 hours Thetis wept much which he was also very busy working while she cried she went to Hephaistus the chief technician an old man of 5000 years he loved Thetis because she had intervened for Hephaistus more than once when her father had been angry with him yet he shook his head when she asked him if he could make Achilles another suit of armor even more invulnerable than the first not enough time Achilles is to be killed tomorrow no my father's cooled off a little he remembered that the script calls for Achilles to kill Hector before he himself dies besides the government anthropologist wants to take films of the funeral games for Petroclus and he over rules even father you know that'll give me a week set of Thetis figuring on his fingers I can do it but tell me child why all the tears is it true what they say that you love a barbarian the magnificent red haired Achilles I love him she said weeping again ah child you are a mere a hundred years or so when you reach my age you'll know that there are a few things worth tears and love between man and woman is not one of them however I'll make the armor and its field of force will cover everything around him except an opening to the outside air otherwise he'd suffocate but what good will all this do the director will find some means of killing him and even if Achilles should escape you'd be no better off I will she said we'll go to Italy and I'll give him perpetual Thetis went to her cabin shortly afterwards the doorbell rang she opened the door and saw Apollo smiling he said I have something here you might be interested in hearing he held in his hand a small cartridge seeing it her eyes widened in surprise yes it's a recording he said and he pushed past her into the room let me put it in your playback you don't have to she replied I presume you had a microphone planted in a feist as cabin correct won't your father be angry if somebody sends him a note telling him you're planning to ruin the script by running off to Italy with a barbarian and not only that but inject perpetual into the barbarian to increase his lifespan personally if I were your father I'd let you do it you'd soon grow sick of your handsome but uncoofed booby Thetis did not answer I really don't care he said in fact I'll help you I can arrange to sew the arrow that hits Achilles heel will be a trick one his head will just seem to sink into his flesh inside it will be a needle that will inject a cataleptic agent Achilles will seem to be dead but will actually be in a state of suspended animation we'll sneak his body at night from the funeral pyre and substitute a corpse a biotech owes me a favor we'll fix up the face of a dead trojan or greek to look like Achilles when this epic is done and we're ready to leave earth you can run away we'll not miss you until we're light years away and what do you want in return for arranging all this my thanks I want you the disflinched for a moment she stood with her eyes closed and her hands clenched then opening her eyes she said all right I know that is the only way open for me it's also the only way you could have devised to have me but I want to tell you that I loathen despise you and I'll be hating every atom of your flesh while you're in possession of mine he chuckled and said I know it but your hate will only make me relish you the more it'll be the sauce on the salad oh you heal she said in a trembling voice you dirty sneaking miserable slimy heel agreed he picked up a bottle and poured two drinks shall we toast to that Hector's death happened as planned and the tear jerking scene in which his father king Priam came to beg his son's body from Achilles four days later Achilles led the attack on the sea and gate it was arranged that Paris could be standing on the wall above the gate Apollo invisible behind him would shoot the arrow that would strike Achilles foot if Paris's arrow bounced off the force field Apollo spoke to Thetis who was standing beside him you seem very nervous don't worry you'll see your lovely warrior in Italy in a few weeks and you can explain to him that you aren't his mother that you had to tell him that to protect him from the God Apollo's jealousy but now that Zeus has raised him from the dead you have been given to him as a special favor and all will end happily that is until living with him will become so unbearable you'll give a thousand years off your life to leave this planet then of course it'll be too late there won't be another ship along for several millennia shut up she said I know what I'm doing so do I he said ah here comes the great hero Achilles chasing a poor Trojan whom he plans to slaughter we'll see about that he lifted the air gun and whose barrel lay the long dart with the trick head he took careful aim saying I'll wait until he goes to throw his spear his force wheel will be off now Thetis gave a strangled cry Achilles the arrow sticking from the tendon just above the heel had toppled backward from the chariot onto the plane where dust settled on his shining armor he lay motionless oh that was an awful fall she moaned perhaps he broke his neck I better go down there and see if he's all right don't bother said Apollo he's dead Thetis looked at him with wide brown eyes set in a gray face I put poison on the needle said Apollo smiling crookedly at her that was my idea but your father approved of it you said I had redeemed my blunder in killing Patroclus by telling him what you planned of course I didn't inform him of the means you took to ensure that I would carry out my bargain with you I was afraid your father would have been very shocked to hear of your immoral behavior Thetis choked out to you unspeakable vicious vicious you you dry your pretty tears said Apollo it's all for your own good and for Achilles too the story of his brief glorious life will be a legend among his people and out in the galaxy the movie based on his career will become the most dependist epic ever seen Apollo was right 4,000 years later it was still a tremendous box office attraction there was talk that now that Earth was civilized enough to have space travel it might even be shown there End of Heal by Philip Jose Farmer Recording by Chris Pyle The Ship-Shaped Miracle by Clifford D. Simmack This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kristen Skidmore The Ship-Shaped Miracle by Clifford D. Simmack The Castaway was a wanted man but he didn't know how badly he was wanted Transcriber's Note This e-text was produced from Worlds of If Science Fiction January 1963 If Cheviot Sherwood ever had believed in miracles he believed in them no longer He had no illusions now He knew exactly what he faced His life would come to an end on this uninhabited backwoods planet and there'd be none to mourn him none to know Not, he thought that there would be any mourners under any circumstance Although there were those who would be glad to see him who would come running if they knew where he might be found These were people very definitely that Sherwood had no desire to see His great one might say his overwhelming desire not to see them could account in part for his present situation since he had taken off from the last planet of record without filing flight plans and lacking clearance Since no one knew where he might have headed and since his radio was junk there was no likelihood at all that anyone would find him even if they looked which would be a matter of some doubt Probably the most that anyone would do would be to send out messages to other planets to place authorities on the alert for him and since his spaceship for the lack of a certain valve for which he had no replacement was not going anywhere he was stuck here on this planet If that had been all there had been to it it might not have been so bad but there was a final irony that under other circumstances if it had been happening to someone else let's say would have kept sure would in stitches a forthright merriment for hours on end at the very thought of it but since he was the one involved there was no merriment For now when he could gain no benefit he was potentially rich beyond even his own most greedy and most lurid dreams On the ridge above the camp he'd get up beside his crippled spaceship lay a strip of clay cemented conglomerate that fairly wreaked with diamonds they lay scattered on the hillside washed out by the weather they were mixed liberally in the gravel of the tiny stream that wended through the valley they could be picked up by the basket they were of high quality there were several the size of human skulls that probably were priceless Sure would was of a hardy rough and tumble breed once he became convinced of his situation he made the best of it he made his camp into a home and laid in supplies dicking roots gathering nuts drying fish and making pemmican if he was to be cast in the role of a Robinson Crusoe he proposed to be at least comfortably well fed in his spare time he gathered diamonds dumping them in a pile outside his shack and in the idle afternoons or the long evenings he stopped beside his campfire and sorted them out washing them free of clinging dirt and grading them according to their size and brilliance the very best of them he put into his sack designed for easy grabbing if the time should ever come when he might depart the planet not that he had any hope this would come about even so he was a man who planned against contingencies he always tried to have some sort of loophole had this not been the case his career would have ended long before at any one of a dozen times or places that it apparently had come to an end now could be attributed to a certain lack of foresight in not carrying a full compliment of spare parts although perhaps this was understandable since never before in the history of spaceflight had that particular valve which now spelled out Sherwood's doom ever misbehaved perhaps it was well for him that he was not an introspective man if he had been given to much searching thought he might have found himself living with his past and there were places in his past that were far from pretty he was lucky in many other ways of course the planet was not a bad one a sort of new england planet with a rocky tumbled terrain forested by scrubby trees and distinctly terrestrial he might just as easily have been marooned upon a jungle planet or one of the icy planets or any of another dozen different kinds that were not tolerant of life so he settled in and made the best of it and didn't even bother to count off the days for he knew what he was in for he counted on no miracle the miracle he had not counted on came late one afternoon as he sat cross legged sorting out his latest haul of priceless diamonds the great black ship came in from the east across the rolling hills he'd whistled down across the ridges and settled to the ground a short distance from surewood's crippled ship and his patch together shack it was no patrol vessel although in his position surewood would have welcomed even one of these it was a kind of ship he'd never seen before it was globular and black and it had no identifying marks on it he leaped to his feet and ran toward the ship he waved his arms and welcome and whooped with his delight he stopped a hundred feet away when he felt the first whiff of the heat that had been picked up by the vessel's whole and its plunge through atmosphere hey in there he yelled and the ship spoke to him you need not yell it told him i can hear you very well who are you i am the ship the voice told him quit fooling around yelled surewood and tell me who you are for the sort of answer it had given was foolishness of course it was the ship it was someone in the ship talking to him through a speaker in the hole i have told you said the ship i am the ship but there is someone speaking to me the ship is speaking to you all right then said surewood if you want it that way it's okay with me can you take me out of here my radio is broken and my ship disabled perhaps i can said the ship tell me who you are surewood hesitated for a moment and then he told who he was quite truthfully for it suddenly had occurred to him that this ship was as much an outlaw as he was himself it had no markings and all ships must have markings you say you left your last port without proper clearance yes said surewood there were certain circumstances and no one knows where you are no one's looking for you how could they surewood asked where do you want to go just anywhere said surewood i have no preference for even if they should land him somewhere where he had no wish to be he still would have a running chance on this planet he had no chance at all all right said the ship you can come aboard a hatch came open in the hole and a ladder began running out just a second surewood shouted i'll be right there he sprinted to the shack and grabbed his sack of the finest diamonds then legged it for the ship he got there almost as soon as the ladder touched the ground the hole was still crackling with warmth but surewood swarmed up the ladder paying no attention he was set for life he thought unless and then the thought struck him that they might take the diamonds from him they could pretend it was payment for his passage or they could simply take them without an excuse of any sort at all but it was too late now he was almost in the hatch to drop the sack of diamonds now would do no more than arouse suspicion and would gain him nothing it came of greediness he thought he did not need this many diamonds just a half dozen of the finest dropped into his pockets would have been enough enough to buy him another ship so he could return and get a load of them but he was committed now there was nothing he could do except to see it through he reached the hatch and tumbled through it there was no one waiting the inner lock stood open and there was no one there he stopped to stare at the emptiness and behind them the retracting ladder rumbled softly and the hatch hissed to a close hey he shouted where is everyone there is no one here the voice said but me all right said sure would where do i go to find you you have found me said the ship you are standing in me you mean i told you said the ship i said i was the ship that is what i am but no one you do not understand said the ship there is no need of anyone i am myself i am intelligent i am part machine part human rather perhaps at one time i was i have thought in recent years the two of us have merged so we are neither human nor machine but something new entirely you're kidding me said sure would beginning to get frightened there can't be such a thing consider said the ship a certain human who had worked for years to build me and who as he finished me found death was closing in let me out yelled sure would let me out of here i don't want to be rescued i don't want i'm afraid mr. sure would it is rather late for that we're already out in space out in space we can't be it isn't possible of course it is the ship told him you expected thrust there was no thrust we simply lifted no ship insisted sure would can get off a planet you are thinking mr. sure would of the ships built by human hands not of a living ship not of an intelligent machine not of what becomes possible with the merging of a man and a machine you mean you built yourself of course not not to start with i was built by human hands to start with but i've redesigned myself and rebuilt myself not once but many times i knew my capabilities i knew my dreams and wishes i made myself the kind of thing i was capable of being not the halfway makeshift thing that was the best the human race could do the man you spoke of sure would said the one who was about to die he is part of me said the ship if you think of him as a separate entity he then is talking to you for when i say i i mean both of us for we've become as one i don't get it sure would told the ship feeling the panic coming back again he built me long ago as a ship which would respond not to the pushing of a lever or the pressing of a button but to the mental commands of the man who drove me i was to become in effect an extension of that man there was a helmet that the man would wear and he'd think into the helmet i understand said sure would he'd think into the helmet and i was so programmed that i'd obey his thoughts i became in effect a man and the man became in effect the ship he operated nice deal sure would said enthusiastically never being one upon whom the niceties of certain advantages were ever lost he finished me and he was about to die and it was a pity that such a one should die one who had worked so hard to do what he had done who'd given up so much who never had seen space who had gone nowhere no such sure would in revulsion knowing what was coming no he'd not done that it was a kindness said the ship it was what he wanted he managed it himself he simply gave up his body his body was a worthless Hulk that was about to die the modifications to accommodate a human brain rather than a human skull were quite elementary and he has been happy we have both of us been happy sure would stood without saying anything in the silence he was listening for some sound for any kind of tiny rattle or hum for anything at all to tell him the ship was operating but there was no sound and no sense of motion of any sort happy he said where would you have found happiness what's the point of all this that the ship said solemnly is a bit hard to explain sure would stood and thought about it the endless voyaging through space without a body with all the desires all the advantages all the capabilities of a body gone forever there is nothing for you to fear said the ship you need not concern yourself we have a cabin for you just down the corridor the first door to your left I thank you sure would said although he was nervous still if he had had a choice he told himself he'd stayed back on the planet but since he was here he'd have to make the best of it and there were he admitted to himself certain advantages and certain possibilities that needed further thought he went down the corridor and pushed on the door it opened on the cabin for a spaceship it looked comfortable enough a little cramped of course but then all cabins were spaces at a premium on any sort of ship he went in and placed his sack of diamonds on the bunk that hinged out from the wall he sat down in the single metal chair that stood beside the bunk are you comfortable mr. sure would very comfortable he said it was going to be all right he told himself a very crazy setup but it would be all right perhaps a little spooky and a bit hard to believe but probably better after all than staying marooned back there on the planet for this would not last forever and the planet could have been most probably would have been forever it would take a while to reach another planet for space was rather sparsely populated in this area there would be time to think and plan he might be able to work out something that would be to his great advantage he leaned back in the chair and stretched out his legs his brain began to click in a ceaseless scurrying back and forth nosing from every angle all the possibilities that existed in this setup it was nice he thought this entire operation the ship undoubtedly had figured out some angles for itself which no human yet had thought of there were a lot of things to do he'd have to learn the capabilities of the ship and give close study to its personality seeking out its weak points and its strength then he'd have to plan his strategy and be careful not to give away his thinking he must not move until he was entirely ready there might be many ways to do it there might be flattery or there might be a business proposition or there might be blackmail he'd have to think on it and study and follow out the line of action that seemed to be the best he wondered at the ship's means of operation anti-gravity perhaps so far considered as a source of power he got up from the chair and paced three paces across the room or a fusion chamber or perhaps a method which had not been in back restlessly pondering odds yes he thought it would be a nice kind of ship to have more than likely there was nothing in all of space that could touch it in speed and maneuverability nothing that could overhaul it should he ever have to run he could apparently set down anywhere it was probably self-repairing for the ship had spoken of redesigning and of rebuilding itself with the memory of his recent situation still fresh inside his mind this was comforting there must be a way to get the ship he told himself there had to be a way to get it it was something that he needed he could buy another ship of course with the diamonds in the sacking he could buy a fleet of ships but this was the one he wanted maybe it had been pure luck this ship had picked him up for any other legal ship would probably turn him over to the authorities at its next port of call but this ship didn't seem to mind who he was or what his record might be any other ship that was not entirely legal would have grabbed off not only the diamonds that he had but his discovery of the diamond field but this particular ship had no concern with diamonds what a setup he thought a human brain and a spaceship tied together so closely tied together that their identities had merged he shivered at the thought of it for it was a gruesome thing although perhaps it had not meant too much to that old man who was about to die he had traded an aged and deathmarked body for many years of life perhaps life as a part of a space traveling machine was better than no life at all how many years he wondered had it been since that old man had translated himself into something else than human a hundred five hundred perhaps even more than that in those years where had he been and what might he have seen and most pertinent of all what thoughts had run through and congealed and formed within his mind what was life like for him not a human sort of life of course not a human viewpoint but something else entirely Sherwood tried to imagine what it might be like but gave up in dismay he would necessarily be a negation of everything he lived for all the sensual pleasure all the dreams of gain and glory all the neat behavior patterns he had set up for himself all his self-made rules of conduct and conscience a miracle, he thought as a matter of fact there'd been two miracles the first had been when he had been able to set his ship down without a crack up when the valve had failed he had come in close above the planet's surface to find a place to land and suddenly the valve went out and the engine failed and there he'd been plunging down above the rough terrain then suddenly he had glimpsed a place where landing might be just barely possible and had fought the controls madly to hit that certain spot and finally had hit it alive it had been a miracle that he had made the landing and the coming of the ship to rescue him had been the second miracle the monk dropped down flat against the wall and his sack of diamonds was dumped onto the floor hey, what goes on? yelled Sherwood then he wished he had not yelled for it was quite clear exactly what had happened the support that held the bunk had not been snapped properly into place and had given way letting down the bunk something wrong, Mr. Sherwood? asked the ship no, not a thing, said Sherwood my bunk fell down I guess it startled me he bent down to pick up the diamonds as he did the chair quietly and efficiently slid back against the wall folded itself up and slid into a slight depression that exactly fitted it squatted to pick up the diamonds Sherwood watched the chair in horrified fascination then swiftly spun around the bunk no longer hung against the wall also had fitted itself into another niche cold fear speared into Sherwood he rowed swiftly to his feet turning like a man at bay he stood in a bare cubicle with both the bunk and chair retracted he stood within four bare walls he sprang toward the door and there wasn't any door there was only wall he staggered back into the center of the cubicle and spun around to view each wall in turn there was no door in any of the walls the metal went up from floor to ceiling without a single break the walls began to move closing in on him sliding in retracting he watched incredulous frozen thinking that perhaps he'd imagined the moving of the walls but it was not imagination slowly and exorably the walls were closing in had he put out his arms he could have touched them on either side of him ship he said fighting to keep his voice calm yes Mr. Sherwood you are malfunctioning the walls are closing in no said the ship no malfunction I assure you a very proper function my brain grows tired and feeble it is not the body only the brain also has its limits I suspected that it might but I could not know there was a chance of course that separated from the poison of a body it might live in its bath of nutrients forever no rest Sherwood his breath strangling in his throat no not me who else asked the ship I have searched for years and you're the first who fitted fitted Sherwood screamed why of course the ship said calmly happily a man who would not be missed no one knowing where you were no one hunting for you no one will miss you I had hunted for someone like you and had despaired of finding one for I am humane I would cause no one grief or sadness the walls kept closing in the ship seemed to sigh in metallic contentment believe me Mr. Sherwood it said finding you was a very miracle end of The Ship Shape Miracle by Clifford D. Cimec recording by Kristen Skidmore christenskidmore.com Spawning Ground by Lester Delray this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Colleen McMahon Spawning Ground by Lester Delray they weren't human they were something more and something less they were in short humanity's hopes for survival the Starship Pandora creaked and groaned as her landing pads settled unevenly in the mucky surface of the ugly world outside she seemed to be restless to end her fools errand here 200 light years from the waiting hordes on earth straining metal plates twanged and echoed through her hallways Captain Gwane cursed and rolled over reaching for his boots he was a big raw-boned man barely 40 but 10 years of responsibility had pressed down his shoulders and put age-faning hollows under his reddened eyes the star lanes between earth and her potential colonies were rough on the men who traveled them now he shuffled toward the control room grumbling at the heavy gravity Lieutenant Jane Corey looked up nodding a blonde head at him as he moved toward the ever-waiting pot of murky coffee morning, Bob, you need a shave yeah he swallowed the hot coffee without tasting it then ran a hand across the dark stubble on his chin it could wait anything new during the night? about a dozen blobs held something like a convention a little ways north of us they broke up about an hour ago and streaked off into the clouds the blobs were a peculiarity of this planet about which nobody knew anything they looked like overgrown fireballs but seemed to have an almost sentient curiosity about anything moving on the ground and our two cadets sneaked out again Barker followed them but lost them in the murk I've kept a signal going to guide them back Gwane swore softly to himself earth couldn't turn out enough starmen in the schools so promising kids were being shipped out for training his cadets on their 12th birthday the two he'd drawn Kauffman and Pinnelli seemed to be totally devoid of any sense of caution of course there was no obvious need for caution here the blobs hadn't seemed dangerous and the local animals were apparently all herbivorous and harmless they were ugly enough looking like insects in spite of their internal skeletons with anywhere from four to 12 legs each on their segmented bodies none acted like dangerous beasts but something had happened to the exploration party 15 years back and to the more recent ship under Hennessy that was sent to check up he turned to the port to stare out at the planet the sole type sun must be rising since there was a dim light but the thick clouds that wrapped the entire surface diffused its rays into a haze for a change it wasn't raining though the ground was covered by thick swirls of fog in the distance the tops of shrubs that made a scrub forest glowed yellow green motions around them suggested a herd of feeding animals details were impossible to see through the haze even the deep gorge where they'd found Hennessy's carefully buried ship was completely hidden by the fog there were three of the blobs dancing about over the grazing animals now as they often seem to do Gwane stared at them for a minute trying to read sense into the things if he had time to study them but there was no time earth had ordered him to detour here after leaving his load of deep sleep stored colonists on official world 71 to check on any sign of Hennessy he'd been here a week longer than he should have stayed already if there was no sign in another day or so of what had happened to the men who deserted their ship and its equipment he'd have to report back he would have left before if a recent landslip hadn't exposed enough of the buried ship for his metal locators to spot from the air by luck it had obviously been hidden deep enough to foil the detectors originally Bob, Jane Corey's voice cut through his pondering Bob, there are the kids before he could swing to follow her pointing finger movement caught his eye the blobs had left the herd now the three were streaking at fantastic speed to a spot near the ship to hover excitedly above something that moved there he saw the two cadets then heading back to the waiting ship just beyond the movement he'd seen through the mist whatever was making the fog swirl must have reached higher ground something began to heave upwards it was too far to see clearly but Gwane grabbed the microphone yelling into the radio toward the cadets they must have seen whatever it was just as the call reached them young Kaufman grabbed a panellae and they swung around together then the mists cleared under the dancing blobs a horde of things were heading for the cadets shaggy heads brute bodies vaguely manlike one seemed to be almost eight feet tall leading the others directly towards the space-suited cadets some of the horde were carrying spears or sticks there was a momentary halt and then the leader lifted one arm as if motioning the others forward get the jeeps out Gwane yelled at Jane he yanked the door of the little officer's lift open and jabbed the down button it was agonizingly slow but faster than climbing down he ripped the door back at the exit deck men were dashing in stumbling around in confusion but someone was taking over now one of the crew women the jeeps were lining up one at the front was stuttering into life and Gwane dashed for it as the exit port slid back there was no time for suits or helmets the air on the planet was irritating and vile smelling but it could be breathed he leapt to the seat to see that the driver was Dr. Barker at a gesture the jeep rolled down the ramp grinding its gears into second as it picked up speed the other two followed there was no sign of the cadets at first then Gwane spotted them surrounded by the menacing horde seen from here the things looked horrible in a travesty of manhood the huge leader suddenly waved and pointed toward the jeeps that were racing toward him he made a fantastic leap backwards others swung about two of them grabbing up the cadets the jeep was doing 20 miles an hour now but the horde began to increase the distance in spite of the load of the two struggling boys the creatures dived downward into lower ground beginning to disappear into the mists follow the blobs Gwane yelled he realized now he'd been a fool to leave his suit the radio would have let him keep in contact with the kids but it was too late to go back the blobs danced after the horde Barker bounced the jeep downward into a gorge somewhere the man had learned to drive superlatively but he had to slow as the fog thickens lower down then it cleared to show the mob of creatures doubling back on their own trail to confuse the pursuers there was no time to stop the jeep plowed through them Gwane had a glimpse of five-foot bodies tumbling out of the way monstrously coarse faces were half hidden by thick air a spear crunched against the windshield from behind and Gwane caught it before it could foul the steering wheel it had a wickedly beautiful point of stone the creatures vanished as Barker fought to turn to follow them the other jeeps were coming up by the sound of their motors but too late to help they'd have to get to the group with the cadets in a hurry or the horde would all vanish in the uneven ground hidden by the fog a blob dropped down almost touching Gwane he threw up an instinctive hand there was a tingling as the creature seemed to pass around it it lifted a few inches and drifted off abrupt late Barker's foot ground at the break Gwane jolted forward against the windshield just as he made out the form of the eight-foot leader the thing was standing directly ahead of him a cadet on each shoulder the wheels locked and the jeep slid protestingly forward the creature leaped back but Gwane was out of the jeep before it stopped diving for the figure it dropped the boys with a surprised grunt the arms were thin and grotesque below the massively distorted shoulders but amazingly strong Gwane felt them wrench at him as his hands locked on the thick throat a stench of alien flesh was in his nose as the thing fell backwards Doc Barker had hit it seconds after the captain's attack its head hit the ground with a dull heavy sound and it collapsed Gwane eased back slowly but it made no further move though it was still breathing another jeep had drawn up and men were examining the cadets Pinnelli was either laughing or crying and Kaufman was trying to break free to kick at the monster but neither had been harmed the two were loaded onto a jeep while men helped Barker and Gwane stow the bound monster on another before heading back no sign of skull fracture my god what a tough brute Barker shook his own head as if feeling the shock of the monster's landing I hope so Gwane told him I want that thing to live and you're detailed to save it and revive it find out if it can make sign language or draw pictures I want to know what happened to Hennessy and why that ship was buried against detection this thing may be the answer Barker nodded grimly I'll try though I can't risk drugs on an alien metabolism he sucked in on the cigarette he dug out then spat sickly smoke and this air made a foul combination Bob it still makes no sense we've scoured this planet by infrared and there was no sign of native villages or culture we should have found some troglodytes maybe Gwane guessed anyhow, send for me when you get anything I've got to get this ship back to earth we're overstaying our time here already the reports from the cadets were satisfactory enough they'd been picked up and carried but no harm had been done them now they were busy being little heroes Gwane sentenced them to quarters as soon as he could knowing their stories would only get wilder and less informative with retelling if they could get any story from the captured creature they might save time and be better off than trying to dig through Hennessy's ship that was almost certainly sporeless by now the only possible answer seemed to be that the exploring expedition and Hennessy's rescue group had been overcome by the aliens it was an answer but it left a lot of questions how could the primitives have gotten to the men inside Hennessy's ship why was its fuel dumped only men would have known how to do that and who told these creatures that a spaceship's metal finders could be fooled by little more than a hundred feet of solid rock they buried the ship cunningly and only the accidental slippage had undone their work maybe there would never be a full answer but he had to find something and find it fast earth needed every world she could make remotely habitable or mankind was probably doomed to extinction the race had blundered safely through its discovery of atomic weapons into a piece that had lasted 200 years it had managed to prevent an interplanetary war with the venus colonists it had found a drive that led to the stars and hadn't even found intelligent life there to be dangerous on the few worlds that had cultures of their own but 40 years ago observations from beyond the solar system had finally proved that the sun was going to go nova it wouldn't be much of an explosion as such things go but it would render the whole solar system uninhabitable for millennia to survive man had to colonize and there were no worlds perfect for him as earth had been the explorers went out in desperation to find what they could the terraforming teams did what they could and then the big starships began filling worlds with colonists carried in deep sleep to conserve space almost 80 worlds the nearest a four month journey from earth and four more months back in another 10 years the sun would explode leaving man only on the footholds he was trying to dig among other solar systems maybe some of the strange worlds would let men spread his seat again maybe none would be spawning grounds for mankind in spite of the efforts each was precious as a haven for the race if this world could be used it would be nearer than most if not as it now seemed no more time could be wasted here primitives could be overcome maybe it would be ruthless and unfair to strip them of their world but the first law was survival but how could primitives do what these must have done he studied the spear he had salvaged it was on a staff made of cemented bits of smaller wood from the scrub growth skillfully laminated the point was a delicately chipped flint done as no human hand had been able to do for centuries beautiful primitive work he muttered Jane pulled the coffee cup away from her lips and snorted you can see a lot more of it out there she suggested he went to the port and glanced out about 60 of the things were squatting in the clearing fog holding lances and staring at the ship they were perhaps a thousand yards away waiting patiently for what for the return of their leader or for something that would give the ship to them Gwaine grabbed the phone and called Barker how's the captive coming Barker's voice sounded odd physically fine you can see him but Gwaine dropped the phone and headed for the little sick bay he swore it dock for not calling him at once and then it himself for not checking up sooner then he stopped at the sound of voices there was the end of a question from Barker and a thick harsh growling sound that lifted the hair along the nape of Gwaine's neck Barker seemed to understand and was making a comment as the captain dashed in the captive was sitting on the bunk unbound and oddly unmenacing the thick features were relaxed and yet somehow intent he seemed to make some kind of a salute as he saw Gwaine enter and his eyes burned up unerringly toward the device on the officer's cap Haroo cabin the thing said Captain Gwaine may I present your former friend Captain Hennessy Barker said there was a grin on the doctor's lips but his face was taught with strain the creature nodded slowly and drew something from the thick hair on its head it was the golden comet of a captain he never meant to hurt the kids just to talk to them Barker cutting quickly I've got some of the story he's changed he can't talk very well says they've had to change the language around to make the sounds fit and he's forgotten how to use what normal English he can but it gets easier as you listen it's Hennessy all right I'm certain Gwaine had his own ideas on that it was easy for an alien to seize on the gold ornament of a captive earth man even to learn a little English maybe but Hennessy had been his friend how many barmaids in the Cheshire cat how many pups did your oldest kid's dog have how many were brown the lips contorted into something vaguely like a smile and the curiously shaped fingers that could handle no human designed equipment spread out three seven zero the answers were right by the time the session was over Gwaine had begun to understand the twisted speech from inhuman vocal cords better but the story took a long time telling when it was finished Gwaine and Barker sat for long minutes in silence finally Gwaine drew a shuttering breath and stood up is it possible doc no Barker said flatly he spread his hands and grimaced no not by what I know but it happened I've looked at a few tissues under the microscope the changes are there it's hard to believe about their kids adults in eight years but they stay shorter it can't be a hereditary change the things that affect the body don't change the germ plasm but in this case what changed Hennessy is real so maybe the fact that the changes passed on is as real as he claims Gwaine led the former Hennessy to the exit the waiting blobs dropped down to touch the monstrous man then leapt up again the crowd of monsters began moving forward toward their leader a few were almost as tall as Hennessy but most were not more than five feet high the kids of the exploring party back in the control room Gwaine found the emergency release levers set the combinations and pressed the studs there was a hiss and gurgle as the great tanks of fuel discharged their contents out onto the ground where no ingenuity could ever recover it to bring life to the ship again he'd have to tell the men and women of the crew later after he'd had time to organize things and present it all in a way they could accept however much they might hate it at first but there was no putting off giving the gist of it to Jane it was the blobs he summarized they seem to be amused by men they don't require anything from us but they like us around Hennessy doesn't know why they can change ourselves adapt us before men came all life here had 12 legs now they're changing that as we've seen and they don't have to be close to do it we've all been outside the hull it doesn't show yet but we're changed in another month earth food would kill us we've got to stay here we'll bury the ships deeper this time and earth won't find us they can't risk trying a colony where three ships vanish so we'll just disappear and they'll never know nobody would know their children odd children who matured in eight years would be primitive savages in three generations the earth tools would be useless impossible for the hands so radically changed nothing from the ship would last books could never be read by the new eyes and in time earth wouldn't even be a memory to this world she was silent a long time staring out of the port toward what must now be her home then she sighed you'll need practice but the others don't know you as well as i do bob i guess we can fix it so they'll believe it all and it's too late now but we haven't really been changed yet have we no he admitted damn his voice he'd never been good at lying no they have to touch us i've been touched but the rest could go back she nodded he waited for the condemnation but there was only puzzlement in her face why and then before he could answer her own intelligence gave her the same answer he'd found for himself the spawning ground it was the only thing they could do earth needed a place to plant her seed but no world other than earth could ever be trusted to preserve that seed for generation after generation some worlds already were becoming uncertain here though the blobs had adapted men to the alien world instead of men having to adapt the whole planet to their needs here the strange children of man's race could grow develop and begin the long trek back to civilization the gadgets would be lost for a time but perhaps some of the attitudes of civilized man would remain to make the next rise to culture a better one we're needed here he told her his voice pleading for the understanding he couldn't yet fully give himself these people need as rich a set of blood lines as possible to give the new race strength the 50 men and women on this ship will be needed to start them with a decent chance we can't go to earth where nobody would believe or accept the idea or even let us come back we have to stay here she smiled then and moved toward him groping for his strength be fruitful she whispered be fruitful and spawn and replenish an earth no he told her replenish the stars but she was no longer listening and that part of his idea could wait someday though their children would find a way to the star lanes again looking for other worlds with the blobs to help them they could adapt to most worlds the unchanged spirit would lead them through all space and the changing bodies would claim worlds beyond numbering someday the whole universe would be a spawning ground for the children of men end of spawning ground by Lester del Rey recording by Colleen McMahon The Flying Tuskers of Knickknack by Jack Sharkey this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The Flying Tuskers of Knickknack by Jack Sharkey I have trod many tangled jungles explored the floors of innumerable oceans and brave death in so many forms that a man less magnificent than myself would have died of fright but if there's one event that stands out in my perfect memory that can still raise a goose bump or two on my broad tan shoulders the event is when I went hunting for the Flying Tuskers of Knickknack there we were myself and my faithful purple andromedon guide mimp out in the vast blue-white desert of Polaris III looking for the Flying Tuskers Knickknack the region we trod was much feared by the Polaris III natives they were a superstitious bunch anyway who panicked at the very thought of being trampled or gored and never ventured into the region of the Tuskers I a man of clear head and no nonsense laughed at their primitive fancies I set out nonetheless into the desert with only the barest rudiments necessary for survival we could get none of the local boys for bearers so mimp had to carry everything naturally I had to have both hands free to use my moxley 55 the best ray rifle you can buy anywhere in the colonized universe aside from the ray rifle I carried nothing save a 14 inch carbon steel bolo knife slung to my belt my ever-present calabash pipe crammed full of steaming yuck weed expensive to have imported from the Martian canals but I buy it by the carton and my trusty F9 ultaflex binoculars on a short platinum chain mimp struggled along behind me as we set off into the desert even his mighty plum-hued muscles quivered under the load of our gear which included an inflatable pseudo log hut with fireplace an optional extra a double oven radium powered cookout stove and a seven-pound crate of signal flares just in case we got lost three days we range the shifting blue white sands of knickknack watching everywhere for signs of the herd we'd heard occurred in that region nothing keep a sharp lookout I snapped at mimp over my shoulder mimp was like a brother but you have to keep these aliens in their place yes bonna said mimp he called me bonna always soon we come to waterhole I didn't ask him how he knew andromidons have a knack for geography in many ways they're almost as good as an earth man good was all I answered it was short to the point and showed who was boss onward retract a sun-burnt duo casting long bronze shadows across the burning sands of knickknack a thin plume of yekweed fumes marked our passage it was nearly sunset when we spotted the pink glitter of that sickening slop that is the Polaris III excuse for water I stood watching the sunset while mimp unloaded all the gear and began to set up camp as the last rays faded in the sky I turned and entered the pseudologue hut mimp had inflated hard on his lungs of course but I hadn't wanted to burden him with the extra weight of a hand pump I'm a stern man but I'm fair he had my slippers laid out beside the armchair by the fire and a cool mint julep awaiting me on the small teakwood tabaret he was busying himself in the kitchenette whipping up a quick souffle with one hand and tossing a small salad with the other hurry it up in there I growled jovially time is money time is money a bit of friendly joshing is good for the relationship shows mimp I'm tolerant of him sharing the same quarters without actually making me act like an equal if you know what I mean I hurry sahib said mimp coming up he always called me sahib he rushed across the room and began setting the table with my pearl handled silverware no not there I yawned picking up my julep and settling back into the armchair I think I'd like the table nearer the piano so you can play Chopin nocturnes while I dine I added as a kindly afterthought you can reheat your share of the souffle later after I've gone to bed personally I hate cold souffle yes effendi said mimp he always called me effendi rapidly he moved the table over to the steinway set out the finished souffle and salad and then hurry to the piano and began laboriously plunking out glorious melody I took a sip of my julep then spat it out on the carpet mimp I roared incensed did you make this drink with Polaris three water craven and cowering he fell at my feet whining for mercy but I was adamant you let an alien take an inch and the next thing he swiped a parsec the note I said keeping my voice emotionless and holding out my hand please Kimosabi whimpered mimp I dare not use the water in the canteens you know that Polaris three water is poisonous to us andromedans while you earthmen can tolerate it I cannot I raged I was speaking medically he mewed piteously and I aesthetically I snarled the note now and be quick about it he scurried on all fours to the bureau where I kept my odds and ends and came crawling back with the brutal leather whip I weighed the infraction decided that three stripes would be less than enough and I'd laid them on to his bare back with a steady hand now I said weary by the effort play something gay and lilting hastily he dragged himself to the steinway and complied dinner was really delicious next morning before sunup we lay in wait for the herd behind a rock beside the waterhole the sky was growing pale saffron near the horizon then light yellow then finally glaring brass as the sun arose by sun I mean the star Polaris of course our son is a star you know or did you I knew naturally then afar off I aspired the bulky blobs in the sky that were the flying tuskers of knickknack no man had ever hunted one before I felt pretty proud let me tell you onward they came through the air their large skin type gray wings flapping stoutedly up and down about three strokes to the mile enormous creatures they were with fiery little eyes and long trailing trunks that had a wicked little hook at the tip but the thing that really caught one's eye was their tusks ten of them eight originating in the mouth and one in either four knee each tusk was seven feet in length long white straight tapered and flawless but not ivory not on these babies pure pearl that lovely lustrous calcareous concretion each tusk would bring 50 000 interplanetary credits on the open market and there were 10 per elephantine beast and at least 60 of them in the herd look at that will you I cried to mep look feast your ugly eyes on that gleaming fortune swooping down upon us mimp I look I feast he murmured servily huddled behind me behind the rock behind the tree aliens tend to be cowardly when their lives are in danger carefully I raised the rifle and took a bead on the youngest beast in that descending herd it's slightly illegal to shoot the fledglings but after all I wasn't going to bring him back with me so no one would know it's just that I find that when I shoot the eldest in a herd of wildlife the others miss their protector and flee but if I shoot one of the babies the elder ones stay around to protect it and I get to kill lots more nasty perhaps but that's the hunting game for you anyhow I took this bead on the beast I was just in the act of depressing the firing stud when an unwanted likeness in the weapon caught my attention irritated I cracked open the firing chamber mep I growled in one of my rare real wraths you didn't load the ray rifle even a moxley 55 is no damn good without cartridges a thousand pardons boss muttered mep inclining his loaths of lavender face in a subservient bow I go get he wriggled away across the sand and into the hut fortunately not disturbing the herd which was now kneeling on the slope above the waterhole and inhaling that putrid pink liquid through their trunks I drooled a bit seeing the rainbow glint of sunlight on those magnificent tusks seconds passed then minutes the herd was practically slaked and still no crawling mep reappeared from the hut soon they'd fly off and cost me a fortune I was already pretty much in a hawk after paying the fare to Polaris three from earth I'd been able to save a little by listing mep as baggage and storing him in the hold for the flight angry irked and pretty well enraged I moved swiftly toward the hut on hands and knees scuttling in the doorway as fast as I could lest the herd see me and flee or attack in the parlor I stood erect and glanced about there was no one in sight but the back door was open mep I bellowed stamping across the carpet where are you you off-color blemish no reply this means six stripes with the note I warned him then I heard a faint sound not unlike that of a 14 inch bolo knife being brought down hard upon the inflating valve of a pseudo log hut I felt at my belt my bolo was missing mep I hollered much too late then the whole damned room piano fireplace carpet armchair and all snapped in upon me and I was wound up with one of those rubberized walls tighter than the center of a golf ball I think I must have swooned then much much later by dint of tooth fingernail and sheer grit I had gnawed clawed and wrenched my way free of the collapsed hut a stunning sight met my eyes all about the waterhole the flying tuskers were still kneeling every one of them was dead and already beginning to rot but the infuriating thing was that not one of them had so much as an inch of tusk anymore every beast had been detust the priceless pearl shafts lopped off flush with the thick gray hides mep and with my bolo knife already at least he left me a canteen I tasted it fah pink Polaris three slop the dirty little but I saved it anyhow I had a long lonely walk back to town ahead of me and there it was that I learned even worse news mep had already sold the tusks and was on his way back to Andromeda with a fortune in his breach clout I swore revenge then and there but was unable to carry it out since I was short the rocket fare back to earth and the authorities it seems that Polaris three is a neutral planet even the mighty word earth man carries no weight there so I had to hawk the piano my precious moxley 55 and what could be salvaged of the souffle and even then I was only able to book passage as near earth as serious to luckily they had a consulate there I was able to secure a ride home after some weeks wait by then however it was too late to avenge myself mep with his stolen fortune had paid off his planets dead to earth andromeda four his home planet declared its independence and the earth authorities throw up their hands and shrug whenever I hint at extraditing him seems he's the new emperor there or something they can't afford to antagonize him damn however I suppose you're wondering just why I get goosebumps when I recall the flying tuskers of knickknack well it wasn't so much the danger from the beasts nor the hideous heat of that desert nor my long painful sojourn beneath the steinway in the shrunken hut that was so bad it was those tuskers know how they died mep had poisoned the waterhole unsporting and all that but the thing that nags my brain is why didn't I think of that me bested by a lousy purple alien what's the universe coming to to the end of the flying tuskers of knickknack by jack sharky