Chapter 1, 2 and 3 of Mr. Midshipman Easy. This is a LibriVox recording, or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Mr. Midshipman Easy by Captain Frank Marriott, read by Adrian Pretzelis. Chapter 1, which the reader will find very easy to read. Mr. Nicodemus Easy was a gentleman who lived down in Hampshire. He was a married man and in very easy circumstances. Most couples find it very easy to have a family, but not always quite so easy to maintain them. Mr. Easy was not at all uneasy on the latter score as he had no children, but was anxious to have them as most people covered what they cannot obtain. After ten years Mr. Easy gave it up as a bad job. Philosophy is said to console a man under disappointment, although Shakespeare asserts that it is no remedy for toothache. So Mr. Easy turned philosopher. The very best profession a man can take up when he is fit for nothing else. He must be a very incapable person indeed who cannot talk nonsense. For some time Mr. Easy could not decide upon what description his nonsense should consist of. At last he fixed upon the rights of man, equality and all that, how every person was born to inherit his share of the earth, a right at present only admitted to a certain length, that is about six feet, for we all inherit our graves and are allowed to take possession without dispute. But no one would listen to Mr. Easy's philosophy. The women would not acknowledge the rights of men whom they declared always to be in the wrong, and as the gentlemen who visited Mr. Easy were all men of property they could not perceive the advantages of sharing with those who had none. However, they allowed him to discuss the question while they discussed his port wine. The wine was good, if the arguments were not, and we must take things as we find them in this world. While Mr. Easy talked philosophy Mrs. Easy played patience, and they were a very happy couple, riding side by side on their hobbies and never interfering with each other. Mr. Easy knew his wife could not understand him, and therefore did not expect her to listen very attentively, and Mrs. Easy did not care how much her husband talked, provided she was not put out in her game. Mutual forbearance will always ensure domestic felicity. There was another cause for their agreeing so well. Upon any disputed question Mr. Easy invariably gave it up to Mrs. Easy, telling her that she should have her own way, and this pleased his wife. But as Mr. Easy always took care when it came to the point to have his way, he was very pleased as well. It is true that Mrs. Easy had long found out that she did not have her own way long, but she was of an easy disposition, and as in nine cases out of ten it was of very little consequence how things were done. She was quite satisfied with his submission during the heat of the argument. Mr. Easy had admitted that she was right, and if like all men he would do wrong, why, what could a poor woman do? With a lady of such a quiet disposition it is easy to imagine that the domestic felicity of Mr. Easy was not easily disturbed. But as people have observed before there is a mutability in human affairs. It was at the finale of the eleventh year of their marriage that Mrs. Easy at first complained that she could not enjoy her breakfast. Mrs. Easy had her own suspicions. Everybody else considered it past doubt, all except Mr. Easy. He little thought, good easy man, that his greatness was ripening. He had decided that to have an heir was no easy task, and it never came into his calculations that there could be a change in his wife's figure. You might have added to it, subtracted from it, and divided it or multiplied it, but as it was a zero the result would always be the same. Mrs. Easy also was not quite sure. She believed it might be the case, and there was no saying. It might be a mistake, like that of Mrs. Trunnion's in the novel, and therefore she said nothing to her husband about the matter. At last Mr. Easy opened his eyes, and when, upon interrogating his wife, he found out the astounding truth. He opened his eyes still wider, and then he snapped his fingers and danced, like a bear upon hot plates with delight, therefore proving that different causes may produce similar effects in two instances at one at the same time. The bear dances from pain, Mr. Easy, from pleasure, and again when we are indifferent or do not care for anything, we snap our fingers at it, and when we are overjoyed and obtain what we most care for, we also snap our fingers. Two months after Mr. Easy snapped his fingers, Mrs. Easy felt no inclination to snap hers either from indifference or pleasure. The fact was that Mrs. Easy's time was come to undergo what Shakespeare pronounces, the pleasing punishment that women bears, but Mrs. Easy, like the rest of her sex, declared that all men were liars, and most particularly, poets. But while Mrs. Easy was suffering, Mr. Easy was in ecstasy. He laughed at pain, as all philosophers do when it is suffered by other people and not by themselves. In due course of time Mrs. Easy presented her husband with a fine boy, whom we present to the public as our hero. End of chapter one. Chapter two, in which Mrs. Easy, as usual, has her own way. It was the fourth day after Mrs. Easy's confinement that Mr. Easy, who was sitting by her bedside in an easy chair, commenced as follows. I have been thinking, my dear Mrs. Easy, about the name I shall give this child. Name, Mr. Easy? Why, what name should you give it but your own? Not so, my dear, replied Mr. Easy. They call all names proper names, but I think that mine is not. It is the very worst name in the calendar. Why, what's the matter with it, Mr. Easy? The matter affects me as well as the boy. Nicodemus is a long name to write at full length, and Nick is vulgar. Besides, as there will be two Knicks, they will naturally call my boy young Nick, and of course I shall be styled old Nick, which will be diabolical. Well, Mr. Easy, at all events then let me choose the name. That you shall, my dear, and it was with this view that I have mentioned the subject so early. I think, Mr. Easy, I will call the boy after my poor father. His name shall be Robert. Very well, my dear, if you wish it, it shall be Robert. You shall have your own way, but I think, my dear, upon a little consideration you will acknowledge that there is a decided objection. An objection, Mr. Easy? Yes, my dear, Robert may be very well, but you must reflect upon the consequences. He is certain to be called Bob. Well, my dear, and suppose they do call him Bob. I cannot bear even the supposition, my dear, you forget the county in which we are residing, the down's covered with sheep. Why, Mr. Easy? What can sheep have to do with a Christian name? There it is, women never look to consequences. My dear, they have a great deal to do with the name of Bob. I will appeal to any farmer in the county if ninety-nine shepherd's dogs out of one hundred are not called Bob. Now observe, your child is out of door somewhere in the fields or plantations. You want and you call him. Of your child, what do you find? Why, a dozen curves at least, who have come running up to you, all answering to name of Bob and wagging their stumps of tails. You see, Mrs. Easy, it is a dilemma not to be got over. You level your son to the brute creation by giving him a Christian name which, from its particular brevity, has been monopolised by all the dogs in the county. Any other name you please, my dear, but in this one instance you must allow me to lay my positive veto. Well, then, ah, let me see, but I'll think of it, Mr. Easy, my headache's very much just now. I will think for you, my dear. What do you say to John? Oh, Mr. Easy, such a common name. A proof of its popularity, my dear, it is scriptural. We have the apostle and the Baptist. We have a dozen popes, who are all Johns. It is royal. We have plenty of kings who are Johns, and, moreover, it is short and sounds honest and manly. Yes, very true, my dear, but they will call him Jack. Well, we have several celebrated characters who were Jacks. There was, ah, let me see, ah, Jack the Giant Killer, ah, Jack of the Beanstock, and ah, Jack, ah, Jack Spratt, replied Mrs. Easy, and Jack Cade, Mrs. Easy, the great rebel, and three-fingered Jack, Mrs. Easy, the celebrated Negro, and above all Jack Falstaff, ma'am, Jack Falstaff, honest Jack Falstaff, witty Jack Falstaff. I thought, Mr. Easy, that I was to be permitted to choose the name. Well, so you shall, my dear, I give it up to you, do just as you please, but depend upon it that John is the right name. Is it not now, my dear? It's the way you always treat me, Mr. Easy, you say that you give it up, and that I shall have my own way, but I never do have it. I'm sure the child will be christened, John. Nay, my dear, it shall be just what you please. Now I recollect it there were several Greek emperors who were John's, ah, but decide for yourself, my dear. No, no, replied Mrs. Easy, who was ill and unable to contend any longer. I give it up, Mr. Easy, I know how it will be, as it always is. You give me my own way as people give pieces of gold to children. It's their own money, but they must not spend it. Pray call him, John. There, my dear, did I not tell you you would be of my opinion upon reflection? I knew you would.  So now we're both of the same mind, and that point is settled. I should like to go to sleep, Mr. Easy. I feel far from well. You shall always do as you like, my dear, replied the husband, and have your own way in everything. It is the greatest pleasure I have when I yield to your wishes. I will walk in the garden. Goodbye, my dear. Mrs. Easy made no reply, and the philosopher quitted the room. As may easily be imagined, on the following day the boy was christened John. Chapter 3 In which our hero has to wait the issue of an argument. The reader may observe that, in general, all my first chapters are very short, and increase in length as the work advances. I mention this as a proof of my modesty and diffidence. At first I am like a young bird just out of its mother's nest, pluming my little feathers and taking short flights. By degree I obtain more confidence and wing my course over hill and dale. It is very difficult to throw any interest into a chapter on childhood. There is the same uniformity in all children until they develop. We cannot, therefore, say much relative to Jack Easy's earliest days. He sucked and threw up his milk while the nurse blessed it for pretty dear, slept, and sucked again. He crowed in the morning like a cock, screened when he was washed, stared at the candle, and made rye faces with the wind. Six months passed in these innocent amusements, and then he was put into shorts. But I ought here to have remarked that Mrs. Easy did not find herself equal to nursing her own infant, and it was necessary to look out for a substitute. Now a commonplace person would have been satisfied with the recommendation of the medical man who looks but to the one thing needful, which is a sufficient and wholesome supply of nourishment for the child. But Mr. Easy was a philosopher, and had latterly taken to craniology, and he descanted very learnedly with the doctor upon the effect of his only son obtaining his nutriment from an unknown source.  I have examined her, replied the doctor, and again safely recommend her. That examination is only preliminary to one more important, replied Mr. Easy. I must examine her. Examine who, Mr. Easy? exclaimed his wife, who had laid down again on the bed. The nurse, my dear. Examine what, Mr. Easy? continued the lady. Her head, my dear, replied the husband. I must ascertain what her propensities are. I think you had better leave her alone, Mr. Easy. She comes this evening, and I shall question her pretty severely. Dr. Middleton, what do you know of this young person? I know, madam, that she is very healthy and strong, or I should not have selected her. But is her character good? Really, madam, I know little about her character, and you can make any inquiries you please. But at the same time I ought to observe that if you are too particular in that point you will have some difficulty in providing yourself. Well, I shall see, replied Mrs. Easy, and I shall feel, rejoin the husband. This parlaying was interrupted by the arrival of the very person in question who was announced by the housemaid and was ushered in. She was a handsome, florid, healthy-looking girl, awkward and naive in her manner and apparently not over-wise. There was more of the dove than the serpent in her composition. Mr. Easy, who was very anxious to make his own discoveries, was the first who spoke. Young woman, come this way. I wish to examine your head. Oh, dear Miser, it's quite clean, I assure you," cried the girl, dropping a curtsy. Dr. Middleton, who sat between the bed and Mr. Easy's chair, rubbed his hands and laughed. In the meantime Mr. Easy had untied the string and taken off the cap of the young woman and was very busily putting his fingers through her hair during which the face of the young woman expressed fear and astonishment. I'm glad to perceive that you have a large portion of benevolence. Yes," replied the young woman, dropping a curtsy. And a veneration, too. Thank you, sir. And the organ of modesty is strongly developed. Yes, sir," replied the girl with a smile. That's quite a new organ, thought Dr. Middleton. Philo-progenitiveness, very powerful. If you please, Sarah, I don't know what that is," answered Sarah with a curtsy. Nevertheless, you have given us a practical illustration. Mrs. Easy, I am satisfied. Have you any questions to ask? But it is quite unnecessary. To be sure I have Mr. Easy. Pray, young woman, what is your name? Sarah, if you please, ma'am. How long have you been married? Married, ma'am? Yes, married.  What? Have you not been married? No, ma'am, not yet. Good heavens! Dr. Middleton, what can you mean by bringing this person here? exclaimed Mrs. Easy, not a married woman, and she has a child. If you please, ma'am," interrupted the young woman, dropping her curtsy, it was a very little one. A very little one? exclaimed Mrs. Easy. Yes, ma'am, very small indeed, and died soon after it was born. Oh, Dr. Middleton, what could you mean, Dr. Middleton? My dear ma'am," exclaimed the doctor, rising from his chair, this is the only person that I could find suited to the wants of your child. And if you do not take her, I cannot answer for its life. It is true that a married woman might be procured. But married woman, who have a proper feeling, will not desert their own children. And as Mr. Easy asserts, and you appear to imagine, the temper and disposition of your child may be affected by the nourishment it receives. I think it more likely to be injured by the milk of a married woman who will desert her own child for the sake of gain. Miss Fortune, which has happened to this young woman, is not always a proof of a bad heart, but of strong attachment and the overweening confidence of simplicity.  Her head may prove it all from what I know, Mr. Easy, but her conduct tells another tale. She is well fitted for the situation, ma'am," continued the doctor.  Shall I try the baby, ma'am," said the monthly nurse who had listened in silence. It's fret and so, poor thing, and has a dear little fist right down its throat. Dr. Middleton gave the signal of ascent, and in a few seconds Master John Easy was fixed to Sarah as tight as a leech. Lo, love it!  There, there, stop it a moment! It's choking, poor thing! Mrs.  Her first feeling was that of envy, that another should have such a pleasure which was denied to herself. The next, that of delight, at the satisfaction expressed by the infant. In a few minutes the child fell back in deep sleep. Mrs. Easy was satisfied. Maternal feelings conquered all others, and Sarah was duly installed. To make short work of it we have said that Jack Easy in six months was in shorts. He soon afterwards began to crawl and show his legs. Indeed, so indecreously, that it was evident that he had imbibed no modesty with Sarah's milk. Neither did he appear to have ingrained veneration or benevolence, for he snatched at everything, squeezed the kitten to death, scratched his mother, and pulled his father by the hair, notwithstanding all which both his mother and father and the whole household declared him to be the finest and sweetest child in the universe. But if we were to narrate all the wonderful events of Jack's childhood from the time of his birth up to the age of seven years, as chronicled by Sarah, who continued his dry nurse after he had been weaned, it would take at least three volumes folio. Jack was brought up in the way that every only child usually is, that is, he was allowed to have his own way. End of Chapter 3 Chapter 4 of Mr. Midshipman Easy This is a LibriVox recording, or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Mr. Midshipman Easy by Captain Frank Marriott, read by Adrian Pretzelis Chapter 4 in which the Doctor prescribes going to school as a remedy for a cut finger Have you no idea of putting the boy to school, Mr. Easy? said Dr. Middleton, who had been summoned by Groom with his horse in a foam to attend immediately at Forest Hill, the name of Mr. Easy's mansion, and who, upon his arrival, had found that Master Easy had cut his thumb.  Mr. Easy, walking up and down, very uneasy. Mrs. Easy, with great difficulty, prevented from syncope and all the maids bustling and passing around Mrs. Easy's chair. Everybody appeared excited except Master Jack Easy himself, who, with a rag round his finger and his pinafore spotted with blood, was playing at Bob Cherry and cared nothing about the matter. Well, what's the matter, my little man? said Dr. Middleton on entering, dressing himself to Jack as the most sensible of the whole party. Oh, Dr. Middleton, interrupted Mrs. Easy. He has cut his hand. I'm sure that a nerve is divided, and then the lock jaw. The doctor made no reply, but examined the finger. Jack Easy continued to play Bob Cherry with his right hand. Have you such a thing as a piece of sticking plaster in the house, madam? observed the doctor after examination. Oh, yes. Run, Mary, run, Sarah. In a few seconds the maids appeared, Sarah bringing the sticking plaster and Mary following with the scissors. Make yourself quite easy, madam, said Dr. Middleton after he put on the plaster. I will answer for no evil consequences. Had I not better take him upstairs and let him lie down a little? replied Mrs. Easy, slipping a guinea into the doctor's hand. It is not absolutely requisite, madam, said the doctor. But at all events he will be kept out of more mischief. Come, my dear, you hear what Dr. Middleton says. Yes, I heard, replied Jack, but I shan't go. My dear Johnny, come, love, now do my dear Johnny. Johnny played Bob Cherry and made no answer. Come, master Johnny, said Sarah. Go away, Sarah, said Johnny with a back-hander. Oh, fight, master Johnny, said Mary. Johnny, my love, said Mrs. Easy in a coaxing tone. Come now, will you go? I'll go into the garden and get some more cherries, replied master Johnny. Come, then, love, we will go into the garden.  What a dear, good, obedient child it is, exclaimed Mrs. Easy. You may lead him with a thread. Yes, to pick cherries, thought Dr. Middleton. Mrs. Easy and Johnny and Sarah and Mary went into the garden, leaving Dr. Middleton alone with Mr. Easy, who had been silent during this scene. Now Dr. Middleton was a clever, sensible man who had no wish to impose upon anyone. As for his taking a guinea for putting on a piece of sticking plaster, his conscience was very easy on that score. His time was equally valuable whether he were employed for something or nothing, and, moreover, he attended the poor greatest. Constantly in the house he had seen much of Mr. John Easy and perceived that he was a courageous, decided boy of a naturally good disposition, but from the idiosyncrasy of the father and the doting folly of the mother in a sure way of being spoiled. As soon, therefore, as the lady was out of hearing, he took a chair and made the query at the commencement of the chapter, which we shall now repeat. Have you no idea of putting the boy to school, Mr. Easy? Mr. Easy crossed his legs and clasped his hands together over his knees, as he always did when he was about to commence an argument. The great objection that I have to sending a boy to school, Dr. Middleton, is that I conceive that the discipline enforced is not only contrary to the rights of man, but also in opposition to all sound, sense and common judgment. Not content with punishment, which is in itself erroneous and an infringement of social justice, they even degrade the minds of the boys still more by applying punishment to the most degraded part, adding contumely to tyranny. Of course it is intended that a boy who is sent to school should gain by precept an example, but is he to learn benevolence by the angry look and the flourish of the vindictive birch, or forbearance by the cruelty of the ashes, or patience when the masters over him are out of all patience, or modesty when his nether parts are exposed to general examination? Is he not daily reading a lesson in variance with that equality which we all possess, but of which we are unjustly deprived? Why should there be a distinction between the flogger and the floggy? Are they not both fashioned alike after God's image, endowed with the same reason, having an equal right to what the world offers, and which was intended by Providence to be equally distributed? Is it not that the sacred intelligence of all which has tyrannously and impiously been ravaged from the many for the benefit of the few, and which ravishment from long custom of iniquity and inculcation of false precepts has too long been basely submitted to? Is it not the duty of a father to preserve his only son from imbibing these dangerous and debasing errors which will render him only one of vile herd who are content to suffer provided that they live, and yet are not these very errors inculcated at school and impressed upon their minds inversely by the birch? Do not they there receive their first lesson in slavery with the first lesson in ABC, and are not their minds thereby prostrated so as never to rise again, but ever to bow to despotism, to cringe to rank, to think and act by the precepts of others, and to tacitly disavow that sacred equality which is our birthright? No, sir. Without they can teach without resorting to such a fundamental error as flogging, my boy shall never go to school. And Mr. Easy threw himself back in his chair, imagining like all philosophers that he had said something very clever. Dr. Middleton knew his man, and therefore patiently waited until he had exhausted his oratory. I will grant, said the doctor at last, that all you say may have great truth in it. But, Mr. Easy, do not think that by not permitting a boy to be educated, you allow him to remain more open to that very error of which you speak. It is only education which will conquer prejudice and enable a man to break through the trammels of custom, now allowing that the birch is used, yet it is at a period when the young mind is so elastic so as to soon become indifferent, and after he has attained the usual rudiments of education, you will then find him prepared to receive those lessons which you can yourself instill. I will teach him everything myself, replied Mr. Easy, folding his arms consequentially and determinedly. I do not doubt your capacity, Mr. Easy, but unfortunately you will always have a difficulty which you can never get over. Excuse me, I know what you are capable of, and the boy would indeed be happy with such a preceptor, but, if I must speak plain, you must be aware as I am that the maternal fondness of Mrs. Easy will always be a bar to your intention. He is already so spoiled by her that he will not obey, and without obedience you cannot inculcate. I grant, my dear sir, that there is a difficulty on that point, but maternal weakness must be overcome by paternal severity. May I ask how, Mr. Easy, for it appears to me impossible? Impossible?  I'll know the reason why, Dr. Middleton. Dr. Middleton checked his inclination to laugh and replied that you would hit upon some scheme by which you would obtain the necessary power over him, I have no doubt. But what will be the consequence? The boy will consider his mother as a protector, and you as a tyrant. He will have an aversion to you, and with that aversion he will never pay respect and attention to your valuable precepts when he arrives at age to understand them. Now it appears to me that this difficulty which you have raised may be got over. I know a very worthy clergyman who does not use the birch. But I will write and put the direct question to him, and then if your boy is removed from the danger arising from Mrs. Easy's overindulgence, in a short time he will be ready for your more important tuition. I think, replied Mr. Easy after a pause, that what you say merits consideration. I acknowledge that in consequence of Mrs. Easy's nonsensical indulgence the boy is unruly and will not obey me at present, and if your friend has not applied the rod I will think seriously of sending my son John to him to learn the elements. The doctor had gained his point by flattering the philosopher. In a day he returned with a letter from the pedagogue in answer to one supposed to be sent to him, in which the use of the birch was indignantly disclaimed, and Mr. Easy announced to his wife when they met that day at tea-time his intentions with regard to his son John. To school, Mr. Easy, what? Send Johnny to school, a mere infant, to school? Surely, my dear, you must be aware that at nine years it is high time that he learned to read. Why, he almost reads already, Mr. Easy. Surely I can teach him that. Does he not, Sarah? Lord bless him, yes, ma'am. He was saying his letters yesterday. Oh, Mr. Easy, what can have put this in your head? Johnny, dear, come here. Tell me now, what's the letter A? You were seeing it in the garden this morning. I want some sugar, replied Johnny, stretching his arm over the table to the sugar-basin which was out of his reach. My love, you shall have a great lump when you tell me what's the letter A. A was an archer and shot at a frog, replied Johnny in a surly tone. There now, Mr. Easy, and he can go through the whole alphabet. Can't he, Sarah? That he can, the dear. Can't you, Johnny, dear? No, replied Johnny. Yes, you can, my love. You know what's the letter B. Now don't you? Yes, replied Johnny. There, Mr. Easy, you see what the boy knows and how obedient he is, too. Come, Johnny, dear, tell us what was B. No, I won't, replied Johnny. I want some more sugar. And Johnny, who had climbed on a chair, spread himself over the table to reach it.  He upset the urn, screamed Mrs. Easy. Sarah caught hold of Johnny by the loins to pull him back, but Johnny, resisting the interference, turned round on his back as he lay on the table and kicked Sarah in the face just as she made another desperate grasp at him. The rebound from the kick, given as he lay on a smooth mahogany table, brought Johnny's head in contact with the urn, which was upset in the opposite direction and notwithstanding a rapid movement on the part of Mr. Easy, he received a sufficient portion of boiling liquid on his legs to scald him severely and induce him to stamp and swear in a very unphilosophical way. In the meantime, Sarah and Mrs. Easy had caught up Johnny and were both holding him at the same time, exclaiming and lamenting. The pain of the scald and the indifference shown towards him were too much for Mr. Easy's temper to put up with. He snatched Johnny out of their arms and, quite forgetting his equality and rights of man, belabored him without mercy. Sarah flew in to interfere and received a blow which not only made her see a thousand stars but sent her reeling on the floor. Mrs. Easy went off into hysterics and Johnny howled so as to be heard at a quarter of a mile. How long Mr. Easy would have continued, it is impossible to say. But the door opened and Mr. Easy looked up while still administering the punishment and perceived Dr. Middleton in mute astonishment. He had promised to come into tea and enforce Mr. Easy's arguments, if it were necessary, but it certainly appeared to him that in the argument which Mr. Easy was then enforcing, he required no assistance. However, at the entrance of Dr. Middleton, Johnny was dropped and lay roaring on the floor. Sarah, too, remained where she had been floored. Mrs. Easy had rolled on the floor. The urn was also on the floor and Mr. Easy, although not floored, had not a leg to stand upon. Never did a medical man look in more opportunity. Mr. Easy at first was not certain of that opinion, but his legs became so painful that he soon became a convert. Dr. Middleton, as in duty bound, first picked up Mrs. Easy and laid her on the sofa. Sarah rose, picked up Johnny and carried him kicking and roaring out of the room. In return for which attention, she received sundry bites. The footman who had announced the doctor picked up the urn, that being all that was in his department. Mr. Easy threw himself panting in agony on the other sofa and Dr. Middleton was excessively embarrassed how to act. He perceived that Mr. Easy required his assistance and that Mrs. Easy could do without it. But how to leave a lady who was half ready and half pretendingly in hysterics was difficult. For if he attempted to leave her, she kicked and flounced and burst out the moor. At last Dr. Middleton ran the bell, which brought the footman who summoned all the maids who carried Mrs. Easy upstairs and then the doctor was able to attend to the only patient who really required his assistance. Mr. Easy explained the affair in a few words, broken into ejaculations from pain as the doctor removed his stockings. From the applications of Dr. Middleton Mr. Easy soon obtained bodily relief, but what annoyed him still more than his scolded legs was the doctor having been a witness to his infringement of the equality and the rights of man. Dr. Middleton perceived this and he knew also how to pour balm into that wound. My dear Mr. Easy, I am very sorry that you have had this accident, for which you are indebted to Mrs. Easy's foolish indulgence of the boy. But I am glad to perceive you have taken up those parental duties which are inculcated by the scriptures. Solomon says that he who spares the rod spoils the child, thereby implying that it is the duty of a father to correct his children, and in a father the so-doing does not interfere with the rights of man or any natural equality, for the son being a part or portion of the father he is only correcting his own self. And the proof of it is that a father in punishing his own son feels as much pain in so doing as if he were himself punished. It is therefore nothing but self-discipline which is strictly enjoined us by the scriptures. That is exactly my opinion, replied Mr. Easy, comforted at the doctor having so logically got him out of the scrape. But he shall go to school tomorrow and that I am determined on. He will have to thank Mrs. Easy for that, replied the doctor. Exactly, replied Mr. Easy. Doctor, my legs are getting very hot again. Continue to bathe them with the vinegar and water, Mr. Easy, until I send you an embrication which will give you immediate relief. I will call tomorrow. By the by, I am to see a little patient of Mr. Bonnie Castle's. If it is any accommodation, I will take your son with me. It will be a great accommodation, doctor," replied Mr. Easy. Then, my dear sore, I will just go up and see how Mrs. Easy is and tomorrow I will call at ten. I can wait an hour. Good night. Good night, doctor. The doctor had his game to play with Mrs. Easy. He magnified her husband's accident. He magnified his wrath and advised her by no means to say one word until he was well and more pacified. The next day he repeated this dose and in spite of the ejaculations of Sarah and the tears of Mrs. Easy who dared not venture to plead her cause to the violent resistance of Master Johnny who appeared to have a presentiment of what was to come. Our hero was put into Dr. Middleton's chariot and with the exception of one plate of glass which he kicked out of the window with his feet and for which feet the doctor, now that he had him all to himself, boxed his ears till he was very nearly blind. He was, without any further eventful occurrence, carried by the doctor's footmen under the parlour of Mr. Bonnie Castle. End of Chapter 4 Chapter 5 of Mr. Midshipman Easy This is a LibriVox recording or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Mr. Midshipman Easy by Captain Frank Marriott read by Adrian Pretzelis Chapter 5 Jack Easy is sent to a school at which there is no flogging. Master Jack had been plumped down on a chair by the doctor's servant who, as he quitted him, first looked at his own hands from which the blood was drawn in several parts and then at Master Jack with his teeth closed and lips compressed as much as to say if I only dared would not I. That's all. And then walked out of the room repaired to the carriage at the front door where he showed his hands to the coachman who looked down from his box in great commiseration at the same time fully sharing his fellow servant's indignation. But we must repair to the parlour. Dr. Middleton ran over a newspaper while Johnny sat on the chair all of a heap looking like a lump of sulks with his feet on the upper front bar and his knees almost up to his nose. He was a promising pupil, Jack. Mr. Bonnie Castle made his appearance.  When he smiled he showed a row of teeth as ivory, and his mild blue eye was the nepleu-ultra of beneficence. He was the bow-ideal of a preceptor and it was impossible to see him and hear his mild, pleasing voice without wishing that all your sons were under his protection. He was a ripe scholar and a good one and, at the time we speak of, had the care of upwards of one hundred boys. He celebrated for turning them out well and many of his pupils were rising fast in the Senate as well as distinguishing themselves in the higher professions. Dr. Middleton, who was on intimate turns with Bonnie Castle, rose as he entered the room and they shook hands. Middleton then turned to where Jack sat and, pointing to him, said, Look there! Bonnie Castle smiled, I cannot say that I have had worse, but I have had almost as bad. I will apply the Promethean torch and soon vivify that rude mass. Come sit down, Middleton. But, said the doctor as he resumed his chair, Tell me, Bonnie Castle, how you will possibly manage to lick such a carb into shape when you do not resort to flogging. I have no opinion of flogging and therefore I do not resort to it. The fact is I was at Harrow myself and was rather a pickle.  I had become case-hardened. It is the least effective path that you can touch a boy upon. It leaves nothing behind to refresh their memories. I should have thought otherwise. My dear Middleton, I can produce more effect by one caning than twenty floggings.  Now, when once the first sting of the birch is over, then a dull sensation comes over the part and the pain after that is nothing, whereas a good sound caning leaves sores and bruises in every part and on all the parts which are required for muscular action. After a flogging, a boy may run out in the hours of recreation and join his playmates as well as ever, but a good caning tells a very different tale. He cannot move one part of his body without being reminded for days by the pain of the punishment he has undergone, and he is very careful how he is called up again. My dear son, I really had an idea that you were excessively lenient," replied Middleton, laughing. I am glad that I am under a mistake. Look at that cub, doctor, sitting there more like a brute than a reasonable being. Do you imagine that I could ever lick it into shape without strong measures? At the same time, allow me to say that I consider my system by far the best. At the public schools punishment is no check. It is so trifling that it is derided. With me punishment is punishment in the true sense of the word, and the consequence is that it is much more seldom resulted to.  The two strongest impulses on our nature are fear and love. In theory, acting upon the latter is very beautiful, but in practice I never found it to answer, and for the best of reasons our self-love is stronger than our love for others. Now, I never yet found fear to fail for the same reason that the other does, because with fear we act upon self-love and nothing else. And yet we have many now who would introduce a system of schooling without correction and who maintain that the present system is degrading. There are a great many fools in this world, doctor. That reminds me of this boy's father, replied Dr. Middleton, who then detailed to the pedagogue the idiosyncrasy of Mr. Easy and all the circumstances attending Jack being sent to his school. There is no time to be lost then, doctor. I must conquer this young gentleman before his parents call to see him. Depend upon it. In a week I will have him obedient and well broke in. Dr. Middleton wished Jack good-bye and told him to be a good boy. Jack did not vouch safe to answer. Never mind, doctor. He will be more polished the next time you call here. Depend upon it. And the doctor departed. Although Mr. Bonnie Castle was severe, he was very judicious. Mischief of all kinds was visited by it by slender punishment, such as being kept in at play hours, etc., and he seldom interfered with the boys for fighting, though he checked and decided oppression. The great Sinequanon with him was attention to their studies. He soon discovered the capabilities of his pupils and he forced them accordingly. But the idle boy, the bird who could sing but wouldn't sing, received no mercy. The consequence was that he turned out the cleverest boys and his conduct was so uniform and invarying in its tenor that if he was feared when they were under his control, he was invariably liked by those whom he had instructed and they continued his friends in afterlife. Mr. Bonnie Castle at once perceived that it was no use coaxing our hero and that fear was the only attribute by which he could be controlled. So as soon as Dr. Middleton had quitted the room, he addressed himself in a commanding tone. Now, boy, what is your name? Jack started. He looked up at his master, perceived his eye fixed upon him and accountants not to be played with. Jack was no fool and somehow or another the discipline he had received from his father had given him some intimation of what was to come. All this put together induced Jack to condescend to answer with his forefinger between his teeth. Johnny. And what is your other name, sir? Jack, who appeared to repent his condescension, did not at first answer, but he looked again in Mr. Bonnie Castle's face and then round the room. There was no one to help him and he could not help himself, so he replied, Easy. Do you know why you are sent to school? Scalding father. No. You are sent to learn to read and write. But I won't learn to read and write, replied Jack, sulkily. Yes, you will and you are going to read your letters now directly. Jack made no answer. Mr. Bonnie Castle opened a sort of bookcase and displayed to John's astonished view a series of canes ranged up and down like billiard cues and continued, Do you know what those are for? Jack eyed them wistfully. He had some faint idea that he was sure to be better acquainted with them, but he made no answer. They are to teach little boys to read and write and now I'm going to teach you. You'll soon learn. Now look here. Continued Mr. Bonnie Castle opening a book with large type and taking a capital at the head of a chapter about half an inch long. Do you see that letter? Yes, replied Johnny, turning his eyes away and picking his fingers. Well, that is the letter B. Do you see it? Look at it so that you may know it again. That's the letter B. Now tell me what letter that is. Jack now determined to resist so he made no answer. So you cannot tell. Well then, we will try what one of these little fellows will do. Said Mr. Bonnie Castle taking down a cane. Observe Johnny. That's the letter B. Now what letter is that? Answer me directly. I won't learn to read and write. Whack came the cane upon Johnny's shoulders who burst out into a roar as he writhed with pain. Mr. Bonnie Castle waited a few seconds. That's the letter B. Now tell me, sir, directly what that letter is. I'll tell my ma. Whack! Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! What letter is that?  Whack came the cane again and a fresh burst from Johnny. What letter's that? I won't tell. Johnny, I won't tell that I won't. Whack! Whack! Whack! And a pause. I told you before. That's the letter B. What letter is that? Tell me directly. Johnny, by way of reply, made a snatch at the cane. Whack! He caught it, certainly, but not exactly as he would have wished. Johnny then snatched up the book and dashed it to the corner of the room. Whack! Whack! Johnny attempted to seize Mr. Bonny Castle with his teeth. Whack! Whack! Whack! And Johnny fell on the carpet and roared with pain. Mr. Bonny Castle then left him for a little while to recover himself and sat down. At last Johnny's exclamations settled down in deep sobs and then Mr. Bonny Castle said to him, Now Johnny, you perceive that you must do as you are bid or else you will have more beating. Get up immediately. Do you hear, sir? Somehow or another, Johnny, without intending it, stood upon his feet. That's a good boy. Now you see, by getting up as you bid, you have not been beaten. Now Johnny, you must go and bring the book the way you threw it down. Do you hear, sir? Bring it directly. Johnny looked at Mr. Bonny Castle and the cane. With every intention to refuse, Johnny picked up the book and laid it on the table. That's a good boy. Now we will find the letter B. Here it is. Now, Johnny, tell me what that letter is. Johnny made no answer. Tell me directly, sir, said Mr. Bonny Castle, raising his cane up in the air. The appeal was too powerful. Johnny eyed the cane. It moved. It was coming. Breathlessly he shrieked out, B. Very well indeed, Johnny. Very well.  You have learned more than you think for. Tomorrow we will begin again. Now we'll put the cane by. Mr. Bonny Castle rang the bell and desired Master Johnny to be put up to bed in a room by himself and not to give him any supper as hunger would the next morning much facilitate his studies. Pain and hunger alone will tame brutes and the same remedy must be applied to conquer those passions in man which assimilate him with brutes. Johnny was conducted to bed though it was but six o'clock. He was not only in pain but his ideas were confused and no wonder after all his life having been humoured and indulged never punished until the day before. After all the caresses of his mother and Sarah which he never knew the value of, after stuffing himself all day long and being tempted to eat till he turned away in satiety to find himself without his mother, without Sarah, without supper, covered with wheels and what was worth the knoll without his own way. No wonder Johnny was confused at the same time that he was subdued and as Mr. Bonny Castle had truly told him he had learned more than he had any idea of and what would Mrs. Easy have said had she known all this and Sarah too and Mr. Easy with his rights of man. At the same time that Johnny was having the devil driven out of him they were consoling themselves with the idea that in all events there was no birch used at Mr. Bonny Castle's. Quite losing sight of the fact that there are more ways of killing a dog besides hanging him. So are there more ways of teaching than a posterior's. Happy in their ignorance they all went fast asleep little dreaming that Johnny was already so far advanced in knowledge as to have a tolerable comprehension of the mystery of Cain. As for Johnny he cried himself to sleep at least six hours before them. Chapter 6 In which Jack makes assay of his father's sublime philosophy and arrives very near to truth at last. The next morning Master Jack Easy was not only very sore but very hungry and as Mr. Bonny Castle informed him that he would not only have plenty of Cain but also no breakfast if he did not learn his letters Johnny had wisdom enough to say the whole alphabet for which he received a great deal of praise the witch if he did not duly appreciate he at all events infinitely preferred to beating. Mr. Bonny Castle perceived that he had conquered the boy by one hour's well-timed severity. He therefore handed him over to the ushers in the school and as they were equally empowered to administer the needful impulse Johnny very soon became a very tractable boy. It may be imagined that the absence of Johnny was severely felt at home but such was not the case. In the first place Dr. Middleton had pointed out to Mrs. Easy that there was no flogging at the school and that the punishment received by Johnny from his father would very likely be repeated and in the next although Mrs. Easy thought that she never could have survived the parting with her own son she soon found out that she was much happier without him. A spoilt child is always a source of anxiety and worry and after Johnny's departure Mrs. Easy found a quiet and repose much more suited to her disposition. Gradually she weaned herself from him and are satisfied with seeing him occasionally and hearing the reports of Dr. Middleton she at last was quite reconciled to his being at school and not coming back except during the holidays. John Easy made great progress. He had good natural abilities and Mr. Easy rubbed his hands when he saw the doctor saying yes let them have him for a year or two longer and then I'll finish him myself. Each vacation he had attempted to instill into Johnny's mind the equal rights of man. Johnny appeared to pay but a little attention to his father's discourses but evidently showed that they were not altogether thrown away as he helped himself to everything he wanted without asking leave. Thus was our hero educated until he arrived at the age of sixteen when he was a stout good-looking boy with plenty to say for himself indeed when it suited his purpose he could out-talk his father. Nothing pleased Mr. Easy so much as Jack's locacity. That's right argue the point Jack, argue the point boy he would say as Jack disputed with his mother then he would turn to the doctor rubbing his hands and observed depend upon it Jack will be a great, a very great man and then he would call Jack and give him a guinea for his cleverness and at last Jack thought it a very clever thing to argue. He would never attempt to argue with Mr. Bonnie Castle because he was aware that Mr. Bonnie Castle's arguments were too strong for him but he argued with all the boys until it ended in a fight which decided the point and sometimes argued with the ushers. In short at the time now we speak of which was at the breaking up of the Midsummer holidays Jack was as full of argument as he was fond of it he would argue the point to the point of a needle and he would divide that point into as many as there were days in the year and argue upon each. In short there was no end to Jack's arguing the point although their seldom was point to his argument. Jack had been fishing in the river without any success for a whole morning and observed a large pond which had the appearance of being well stocked he cleared the park palings he threw and threw in his line he had pulled up several fine fish when he was accosted by the proprietor accompanied by a couple of keepers. May I request the pleasure of your name young gentlemen? said the proprietor Jack. Now Jack was always obeying and polite. Certainly sir, my name is easy very much at your service and you appear to me to be taking it very easy replied the gentleman. Praise sir, may I inquire whether you are aware that you are trespassing? The word trespass my dear sir, replied Jack will admit of much argument and I will divide it into three heads it implies according to the conventional meaning coming without permission upon the land or property of another. Now sir, the question may be all resolved in the following was not the world made for all and has any one or any portion of its inhabitants an exclusive right to claim any part of it as his property? If you please I have laid down the proposition and now we will argue the point. The gentleman who accosted Jack had heard of Mr. Easy and his arguments he was a humorist and more inclined to laugh than be angry at the same time he considered it necessary to show Jack that under existing circumstances they were not tenable but of Mr. Easy allowing the trespass on the property to be venal surely you do not mean to say that you are justified in taking my fish I bought the fish and stocked the pond and have fed them ever since you cannot deny that they are private property and that to take them is a theft That will again admit of much raciocination my dear sir replied Jack but I beg your pardon I have a fish Jack pulled up a large carp much to the indignation of the keepers and to the amusement of their master unhooked it placed it in his basket renewed his bait with the greatest sang and then throwing in his line resumed his discourse as I was observing my dear sir continued Jack that will admit of much raciocination all the creatures of the earth were given to man for his use man means mankind they were never intended to be made a monopoly of water is also the gift of heaven and meant for the use of all we now come to the question how far the fish are your property if the fish only bred on purpose to please you and make you a present of their stock it might then require a different line of argument but as in breeding they only acted in obedience to an instinct with which they are endowed on purpose that they might supply man I submit to you that you cannot prove these fish to be yours more than mine as for feeding with the idea that they were your own that is not an unusual case in this world even when a man is giving bread and butter to his children further but I have another bite I beg your pardon sir ah he's off again then Mr. Easy you mean to say that the world and its contents are made for all exactly sir that is my father's opinion who is a very great philosopher how then does your father account for some possessing property and others being without it because those who are the strongest have deprived those who are weaker but would not that always be the case even if we were in that state of general inheritance which you have supposed for instance allowing two men to chase the same animal and both to come up with it at the same time would not the strongest bear it off I grant that sir well then where is your equality that does not disprove that men were not intended to be equal it only proves that they are not so neither does it disprove that everything was not made for the benefit of all it only proves that the strong will take advantage of the weak which is very natural oh you grant that to be very natural well Mr. Easy I am glad to perceive that we are of one mind and I trust we shall continue so you'll observe that I and my keepers being three we are the strong party in this instance and admitting your argument that the fish are as much yours as mine still I take advantage of my strength to repossess myself of them which is as you say very natural James take those fish if you please interrupted Jack we will argue that point not at all I will act according to your own arguments I have the fish and now I mean to have more that fishing rod is as much mine as yours and being the stronger party I will take possession of it James William take that fishing rod it is ours I presume that you will first allow me to observe replied Jack that although I have expressed my opinion that the earth and all the animals on it were made for us that I never have yet asserted that what a man creates by himself or has created for him for a consideration is not his own property I beg your pardon the trees that the rod was made from were made for us all and if you or anyone for you have thought proper to make it into a rod it is no more my fault that I have been feeding the fish with the supposition that they were my own everything being common and it being but natural that the strong should take advantage of the weak I must take that rod as my property until I am dispossessed by one more powerful moreover being the stronger party and having possession of this land which you say does not belong to me any more than to you I shall also direct my keepers to see you off this property James take the rod see Mr. Easy over the park palings Mr. Easy I wish you a good morning Sir I beg your pardon you have not yet heard all my arguments replied Jack who did not approve of the conclusions drawn I have no time to hear more Mr. Easy I wish you good morning and the proprietor departed leaving Jack in company with the keepers I'll trouble you for that Rodmaster said William James was very busy stringing the fish through the gills upon a piece of osia at all events you will hear reason said Jack I have arguments I never heard no good arguments in favor of poaching interrupted the keeper you're an insolent fellow replied Jack it is by paying such vagabonds as you that people are able to be guilty of injustice it's by paying us that the land ain't poached and if there be some excuse for a poor devil who is out of work there be none for you who calls yourself a gentleman according to his account we all be equal he be no more a gentleman than we be silence you black-odd I shall not condescend to argue with such as you if I did I could prove that you are a set of base slaves who have as much right to this property as your master or I have as you have I dare say master as I have you scoundrel this pond is as much my property and so are the fish in it as they are of your master who has usurped the right I say James what do you say shall we put the young gentleman in possession of his property said William winking to the other James took the hint they seized Jack by the arms and legs and sourced him into the pond Jack arose after a deep submersion and floundered on shore blowing and spluttering but in the meantime the keepers had walked away carrying with them the rod and line fish and tin can of bait laughing loudly at the practical joke which they had played our hero well thought Jack either there must be some mistake in my father's philosophy or else this is a very wicked world I shall submit this case to my father and Jack received this reply I have told you before Jack that these important truths will not at present be admitted but does it not the less follow that they are true this is the age of iron in which might has become right but the time will come when these truths will be admitted and your father's name will be more celebrated than that of any philosopher of ancient days recollect Jack that although in preaching against wrong and advocating the rights of man you will be treated as a martyr it is still your duty to persevere and if you are dragged through all the horseponds in the kingdom never give up your argument that I never will sir replied Jack but the next time I argue it shall be if possible with power on my side and at all events not quite so near a pond I think said Mrs. Easy who had been a silent listener that Jack had better fish in the river and then if he catches no fish at all events he will not be soused in the water and spoil his clothes but Mrs. Easy was no philosopher a few days afterwards Jack discovered one fine morning on the other side of a hedge a summer apple tree bearing tempting fruit and he immediately broke through the hedge and climbing the tree as our first mother did before him he culled the fairest and did eat I say you sir what are you doing there? cried a rough voice Jack looked down and perceived a stout thick set personage in grey coat and red waistcoat standing underneath him don't you see what I'm about? replied Jack I'm eating apples shall I throw you down a few? thank you kindly the fewer that are pulled the better perhaps as you are so free to give them to others as well as to help yourself you may think that they are your own property not a bit more my property than they are yours my good man I guess that's something like truth but you are not quite at the truth yet my lad those apples are mine and I'll trouble you to come down as fast as you please when you're down we can settle our accounts and continued the man shaking his cudgel depend upon it you shall have your receipt in full Jack did not much like the appearance of things my good man said he it is quite a prejudice on your part to imagine that apples were not given as well as all are the fruit for the benefit of us all they are common property believe me that's a matter of opinion my lad and I may be allowed of my own you'll find it in the Bible says Jack I never did yet and though I've read it through and through baiting the pot gruffer then said Jack go home and fetch the Bible and I'll prove it to you I suspect you'll not wait till I come back no no I've lost plenty of apples and I've long waited to find the robbers out and now I've caught one I'll take carey don't skate without applesauce at all events so come down you young thief come down directly or it'll be all the worse for you ah thank you said Jack but I am very well here I will if you please argue the point from where I am I have no time to argue the point my lad I've plenty to do but do not think I'll let you off if you don't choose to come down why then you may stay there and I'll answer for it for as soon as work is done I shall find you safe enough what can be done thought Jack with a man who will not listen to argument what a world is this however he'll not find me here when he comes back I've a notion but in this Jack was mistaken the farmer walked to the hedge and called to a boy who took his orders and ran to the farmhouse in a minute or two a large bulldog was seen bounding along the orchard his master mark him Caesar said the farmer to the dog mark him the dog crouched down on the grass with his head up and his eyes glaring at Jack showing a range of teeth that drove all our hero's philosophy out of his head I can't wait here but Caesar can and I will tell you as a friend that if he gets old of you he'll not leave a limb of you together when work's done I'll come back so saying the farmer walked off leaving Jack and the dog to argue the point if so inclined what a sad jade must philosophy be to put her votaries in such predicaments after a while the dog laid his head down and closed his eyes as if asleep but Jack observed that at the least movement on his part one eye was seen partially to unclose so Jack, like a prudent man resolved to remain where he was he picked a few more apples for it was his dinner time and as he chewed he ruminated Jack had been but a few minutes ruminating before he was interrupted by another ruminating animal no less a personage than a bull who had been turned out with full possession of the orchard and who now advanced bellowing occasionally and tossing his head at the sight of Caesar whom he considered as much a trespasser as his master had a hero Caesar started on his legs and faced the bull who advanced pouring with his tail up in the air when within a few yards the bull made a rush at the dog who evaded him and attacked him in return and thus did the warfare continue until the opponents were already at some distance from the apple tree Jack prepared for immediate flight but unfortunately the combat was carried on by the side of the hedge at which Jack had gained admission Never mind, thought Jack there are two sides to every field and although the other hedge joined on the garden near the farmhouse there was no option At any events, said Jack, I'll try it Jack was slipping down the trunk when he heard a tremendous roar The bull dog had been tossed by the bull He was then high in the air and Jack saw him fall on the other side of the hedge and the bull was thus celebrating his victory with a flourish of trumpets upon which Jack, perceiving that he was relieved from his sentry slipped down the rest of the tree and took to his heels Unfortunately for Jack the bull saw him and flushed with victory he immediately set up another roar and bounded after Jack Jack perceived his danger and fear gave him wings He not only flew over the orchard but he flew over the hedge which was about five feet high just as the bull dove his head into it Look before you leap Is an old proverb Had Jack done so he would have done better As there were cogent reasons to be offered in extenuation of our philosopher we shall say no more but merely state that Jack, when he got to the other side of the hedge found that he had pitched into a small apiary and had upset two hives of bees who resented the intrusion and Jack had hardly time to get upon his legs before he found them very busy stinging him in all quarters All that Jack could do was run for it The bees flew faster than he could run and Jack was mad with pain when he stumbled half blinded over the brickwork of a well Jack could not stop his pitching into the well but he seized the iron chain as it struck him across the face Down went Jack and round went the windless and after a rapid descent of forty feet our hero found himself underwater and no longer troubled with the bees who, whether they had lost scent of their prey from his rapid descent or being notoriously clever insects acknowledged the truth of the adage leave well alone had certainly left Jack with no other companion than truth Jack rose from his immersion and seized the rope to which the chain of the bucket was made fast it had all of it been unwound from the windless and therefore it enabled Jack to keep his head above water after a few seconds Jack felt something against his legs it was the bucket about two feet under the water Jack put his feet into it and found himself pretty comfortable for the water after the sting of the bees and the heat he had been put into by the race with the bull was quite cool and refreshing in all events thought Jack if it had not been for the bull I should have been watched by the dog and then thrashed by the farmer but then again if it had not been for the bull I should not have been tumbled among the bees and if it had not been for the bees I should not have tumbled into the well and if it had not been for the chain I should have been drowned such has been the chain of events all because I wanted to eat an apple however I have got rid of the farmer and the dog and the bull and the bees all well that ends well but how the devil am I to get out of the well all creation seems to have conspired against the rights of man as my father said this is an iron age and here am I swinging to an iron chain we have given the whole of Jack's soliloquy as it will prove that Jack was no fool although he was a bit of a philosopher and a man who could reason so well upon cause and effect at the bottom of a well up to his neck in water showed a good presence of mind but if Jack's mind had been a little twisted by his father's philosophy it had still sufficient strength and elasticity to recover itself in due time had Jack been a common personage we should never have selected him for our hero this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Mr. Midshipman Easy by Captain Frank Marriott read by Adrian Pretzelis Chapter 7 in which Jack makes some very sage reflections and comes to a very unwise decision after all, it must be acknowledged that although there are cases of distress in which a well may become a place of refuge a well is not at all calculated for a prolonged residence so thought Jack after he had been there some fifteen minutes his teeth chattered and his limbs trembled he felt a numbness all over and he thought it high time to call for assistance which at first he would not as he was afraid he should be pulled up to encounter the indignation of the farmer and his family Jack was arranging his jaws for a hallou when he felt the chain pulled up and he slowly emerged from the water at first he heard complaints of the weight of the bucket at which Jack was not surprised then he heard a tittering and laughing between two parties and soon afterwards he mounted up gaily at last his head appeared above the low wall and he was about to extend his arms so as to secure a position on it when those who were working at the windlass beheld him it was a heavy farming man and a maid servant thank you said Jack one never should be too quick in returning thanks the girl screamed and let go the winch the man, frightened, did not hold it fast it slipped from his grasp whirled round, struck him under the chin and threw him over it headlong and before the thank you was fairly out of Jack's lips down he went again like lightning to the bottom fortunately for Jack he had not yet let go the chain or he might have struck the sides and have been killed as it was he was merely soused a second time and in a minute or two regained his former position this is mighty pleasant thought Jack as he clapped his wet hat once more on his head in all events they can't now plead ignorance they must know that I'm here in the meantime the girl ran into the kitchen threw herself down on a stool from which she'd reeled off in a fit upon sundry heaps of dough waking to be baked in the oven which were laid to rise on the floor before the fire merci ame what's the matter with Susan? exclaimed the farmer's wife here where's Mary? where's John? dearie me if the bread won't be turned to pancakes John soon followed holding his under-jaw on his hand looking very dismal and very frightened for two reasons one because he thought that his jaw was broken and the other because he thought he had seen the devil merci anus what is the matter? exclaimed the farmer's wife again Mary Mary Mary screamed she beginning to be frightened herself for with all her efforts she could not remove Susan from the bed of dough where she lay senseless and heavy as lead Mary answered to her mistress's loud appeal and with her assistance they raised up Susan but as for the bread there was no hopes of it ever rising again why don't you come here and help Susan John? oooooh was all the reply of John who had had quite enough of helping Susan and who continued to hold his head as it were in his hand what's the matter here, Mrs? exclaimed the farmer coming in Heidi tidy what ails Susan and what ails you? continued the farmer turning to John dang it but everything seems to go wrong this blessed day first there be all the apples stolen then there be all the hoives turned topsy-turvy in the garden then there be Caesar with his flank opened by the bull then there be the bull broken through the hedge and tumbled into the saw-pit and now I come to get more help to drag him out I find one woman dead like and John looks as if he has seen the devil oooooh replied John nodding his head very significantly one would have thought that the devil had broke loose today what is it John have you seen him and has Susan seen him oooooh he stopped your jaw then at all events and I thought the devil himself wouldn't have done that well he shall get nothing out of you is that wench coming to her senses yes yes she's better now Susan what's the matter oh oh ma'am the well the well the well something wrong there I suppose well I will go and see the farmer trotted off to the well he perceived the bucket was at the bottom and all the rope out he looked about him and then he looked into the well Jack who had become very impatient had been looking up some time for the assistance which he expected would have come sooner the round face of the farmer occasioned a partial eclipse of the round disk which bounded his view just as one of the satellites of Jupiter sometimes obscures the face of the planet round which he revolves here I am cried Jack get me up quick or I shall be dead and what Jack said was true for he was quite done up with having been so long down although his courage had not failed him dang it but there be someone falling into the well cried the farmer no into mishaps this day well we must get a Christian out of her well before we get a bull out of a saw pit so I'll go and call the men in a very short time the men who were assembled round the saw pit were brought to the well down below there hold on now never fear cried Jack away went to the winch and once more Jack had an extended horizon to survey as soon as he was at the top the men hauled him over the bricks and laid him down upon the ground for Jack's strength had failed him dang it if it bank that chap who was a my apple tree cried the farmer else so ever he must not die for stealing a few apples lift him up lads and take him in he is dead with cold no wonder the farmer led the way and the men carried Jack into the house when the farmer gave him a glass of brandy this restored Jack's circulation and in a short time he was all right again after some previous conversation in which Jack narrated all that had happened what may be your name inquired the farmer my name is easy replied Jack what be you the son of Mr. Easy of Forest Hill yes dang it he'd be my landlord and a right good landlord too why didn't you say so when you were up in the apple tree you might have picked the whole orchard and welcome my dear sir replied Jack who had taken a second glass of brandy and was quite talkative again let this be a lesson to you and when a man proposes to argue the point always in future listen had you waited I would have proved to you most incontestably that you had no more right to the apples than I had you would not listen to argument and without discussion we can never arrive at truth you sent for your dog who is ripped up by the bull the bull breaks his leg and saw pit the beehives are overturned and you lose all your honey your man John breaks his jaw your maid Susan spoils all the bread and why because you would not allow me to argue the point well Mr. Easy it be all true that all those mishaps have happened because I would not allow you to argue the point perhaps though as I rent the orchard from your father I cannot imagine how you could prove to me that the apples were not mine but now let's take your side of the question and I don't see how you'd be much better off you get up in a tree for a few apples with plenty of money to buy them if you like you're kept there by a dog you're nearly gored by a bull you're stung by the bees and you tumble south into a well and are nearly killed a dozen times and offer a few apples not worth toms all very true my good man replied Jack but you forget that I as a philosopher was defending the rights of man well I never knew before that a lad who stole apples was called a philosopher we cause it petty larceny in the indictments and as for your rights of man I cannot see how they can be defended by doing what's wrong you do not comprehend the matter Farmer no I don't and I'd be too old to learn Master Easy all I have to say is this you are welcome to all the apples in the orchard if you please and if you prefer as it seems you do to steal them instead of asking for them which I can only account for by the reason that they say that stolen fruit be sweetest I've only to say that I shall give orders that you be not interfered with my shades be at the door Master Easy and the man will drive you to your father's make my compliments to him and say that I'm very sorry that you chumbled into our well as Jack was much more inclined for bed than argument he wished the farmer good night and allowed himself to be driven home the pain from the sting of the bees now that his circulation had fully returned was so great that he was not sorry to find Dr. Middleton taking his tea with his father and mother Jack merely said that he had been so unfortunate as to upset a hive and had been severely stung he deferred the whole story to another opportunity Dr. Middleton prescribed for Jack but on taking his hand found that he was in a high fever which after the events of the day was not to be wondered at Jack was bled and kept his bed for a week by which time he was restored but during that time Jack had been thinking very seriously and had made up his mind but we must explain a circumstance which had occurred which was probably the cause of Jack's decision when Jack returned on the evening in question he found seated with his father and Dr. Middleton a Captain Wilson a sort of cousin to the family but who occasionally paid them a visit for he lived at some distance and having a wife and large family with nothing but his half pay for their support he could not afford to expend even shoe leather in compliments the object of this visit on the part of Captain Wilson was to request the aid of Mr. Easy he had succeeded in obtaining his appointment to a sloop of war for he was in the King's service but was without the means of fitting himself out without leaving his wife and family penniless he therefore came to request Mr. Easy to lend him a few hundred pounds until he should be able by his prize money to repay them Mr. Easy was not a man to refuse such a request and all was having plenty of spare cash at his bankers he drew a check for a thousand pounds which he gave to Captain Wilson requesting that he would only repay it at his convenience Captain Wilson wrote an acknowledgement of the debt promising to pay upon his first prize money which receipt however binding it may be to a man of honour was in a point of law about as valuable as if he had agreed to pay it as soon as the cows came home the affair had been just concluded and Captain Wilson had returned into the parlour with Mr. Easy when Jack returned from his expedition Jack greeted Captain Wilson whom he had long known but as we before observed he suffered so much pain that he soon retired with Dr. Middleton and went to bed during a week there is room for much reflection even in a lad of fourteen although at that age we are not much inclined to think but Jack was in bed his eyes were so swollen with the stings of the bees that he could neither read nor otherwise amuse himself and he preferred his own thoughts to the gavel of Sarah who attended him so Jack thought and the result of his cogitations we shall soon bring forward it was on the eighth day that Jack left his bed and came down to the drawing room he then detailed to his father the adventures which had taken place which had obliged him to take to his bed you see Jack replied his father it's just what I told you the world is so utterly demoralised by what is called social compact and the phalanx supporting it by contributing a portion of their unjust possessions for the security of the remainder is so powerful that anyone who opposes it must expect to pass the life of a martyr but martyrs are always required previous to any truth however sublime being received and like Abraham whom I have always considered as a great philosopher I am willing to sacrifice my son in so noble a cause that's all very good on your part father but we must argue the point a little if you are as great a philosopher as Abraham I am not so due to fellow son as Isaac whose blind obedience in my opinion is very contrary to your rights of man but the fact in a few words is simply this in promulgating your philosophy in the short space of two days I have been robbed of the fish I caught and my rod and line I have been sourced into a fish pond I have been frightened out of my wits by a bulldog been nearly killed by a bull been stung to death by bees and twice tumbled into a whale now if all that happens in two days what must I expect to suffer in a whole year it appears to be very unwise to attempt making further converts for people on shore seem determined not to listen to reason or argument but it has occurred to me that although the whole earth has been so nefariously divided among the few that the waters at least are the property of all no man claims his share of the sea everyone may there plow as he pleases without being taken up for a trespasser even war makes no difference everyone may go on as he pleases and if they meet it is nothing but a neutral ground on which the parties contend it is then only upon the ocean that I am likely to find that equality and rights of man which we are so anxious to establish on shore and therefore I have resolved not to go to school again which I detest but to go to sea and propagate our opinions as much as I can I cannot listen to that Jack in the first place you must return to school in the next place you shall not go to sea then father all I have to say is that I swear by the rights of man I will not go back to school and that I will go to sea who and what is to prevent me was not I born my own master has anyone a right to dictate to me if I were not his equal have I not as much right to my share of the sea as any other mortal I stand upon perfect equality continued Jack stamping his right foot on the floor what had Mr. Easy to offer in reply he must either as a philosopher have sacrificed his hypothesis or as a father have sacrificed his son like all philosophers he preferred what he considered as the less important of the two he sacrificed his son but we will do him justice he did it with a sigh Jack you shall if you wish it go to sea that of course replied Jack with the air of a conqueror but the question is with whom now it has occurred to me that Captain Wilson has just been appointed to a ship and I should like to sail with him I will write to him said Mr. Easy mournfully but I should have liked to have felt his head first and thus was the matter arranged the answer from Captain Wilson was of course in the affirmative and he promised that he would treat Jack as his own son our hero mounted his father's horse and rode off to Mr. Bonnie Castle I am going to see Mr. Bonnie Castle the very best thing for you replied Mr. Bonnie Castle our hero met Dr. Middleton I am going to see Dr. Middleton the very best thing for you replied the doctor I am going to see mother said John to see John to see no no dear John you are not going to see replied Mrs. Easy with horror yes I am father has agreed and says he will obtain your consent my consent oh my dear dear boy and Mrs. Easy wept bitterly as Rachel mourning for her children End of Chapter 7


Alright, so titled with a long talk, I'm gonna talk about how to, I'm gonna talk about how being that bastard guy that Hillary just talked about, the one that tells you how to do stuff, that's what my talk is about.  But this is how I do my data analysis. So my name is Emil Bay, I go by Emil Bay's online. I currently am working on a project called Commodity Trader. And what we, so like, what we basically do is that we trade grain online. So if you want to buy like 500 tons of grain, like soybeans or whatever, talk to me and I'll ship you like a whole ship of grain. So yeah, that's basically it. But I mean, not too much data analysis in here, it's actually a lot more about cryptography. So yeah, totally unrelated, kind of. Still mad though. Yeah, I used to study math at university mostly because it's like this masochistic thing or like trying to get at the absolute truth of the universe. And today I'm also here to talk about absolute truth. So previously, I have a pretty varied background. First I worked at an advertisement agency as a software developer. Then I've worked at a high-performance computing lab. So like a super computing lab I built, it was at my university. I built the Hadoop cluster. And then I've also worked at a daily newspaper as like a data journalist or more like the actual title was editorial developer. So it's like the programmer helping the journalists get at what they're trying to get at. Other fun facts. I've been part of a TV show. I was like a hacker dude in like a show where we had to catch people on the run. I've also done a project with some Syrian journalists trying to get back at a peaceful Syria. They're all in exile in Istanbul. That was pretty interesting as well. And I'm also a shag attack survivor. So that was just fun facts. Okay, first theme on the menu, decoupling. So decoupling is a software engineering term. It means to take a program and try and pull it apart. So it's easier to reason about. So contrast is pretty bad in here, but you can see here we have like a kind of shortage program. It's pretty easy to see what's going on or like get the overview of what's actually going on. And if you came into a project that had this code, it would be pretty easy to figure out what was going on because there's not that much to it. But then over time you expand your analysis and suddenly you're doing more modeling inside your project. And over time it just builds and builds. And I mean now it's starting to get, oh well now it is at a place where it's, there's so much stuff going on. Like I mean you can't even see it on the screen right. So what can we do about it? Like I mean it gets messy right. Doesn't scale well for human memory. One thing that Hillary also talked about was that human errors are going to happen. So we have to try and build a process around how to rent these errors. And I know for one that you come back at a project just even a month after and you have no idea what's going on. So how can we work around this? We can use something from software engineering, something called the Unix philosophy. It's kind of like the ten commandments of software engineering. It's a philosophy developed in I think the sixties at Bell Labs. The first people building like a time-shared general purpose computer and they were developing an operating system called Unix. Unix we're still living with legacy. There's a Unix legacy inside the Mac OS X or Mac OS. There's a Linux, it's also a Unix derivative and free BSD and all of these still live by the principles of the Unix philosophy in contrast to the way that Windows have gone. So what is the Unix philosophy? It's a right programs that do one thing and do it well. So often you get these small programs that are easy to reason about. It's about to writing programs that can work together. So you can take simple operations and compose them into more complicated operations. And the third tenant is to have programs that work with text streams, which is something we're going to ignore in the way I do things. So we have this huge program, just one big r-file called dataanalysis.r. And what we're going to do with this is we're going to build this graph. It's a directive graph. You have these small programs that all do one little task well, and you compose them together into this directive graph. And the way these programs talk with each other is through exporting data. So you have a very clear contract between what's the output of one program and what's the input of another program. So this is the example project I put in the abstract. So it's a project about indoor climate at my university. And it has a couple of parts to it. It has a crawler for gathering weather data. Then it has an import script that's like your stock ETL script, like cleaning up the data and putting it back into a format that you can actually use. Then it has a model, a domain model, taking this data from the weather data. And the imported readings from the buildings and building this domain model. And instead of this domain model file being like one huge script that does the different types of models we're exploring and does all the plotting and exports like all the CSV and JSON files for other people to work with, we decompose it. So how to do that? So in R, we have these two functions called load and save. And this is basically going to be the input and the output of these small programs. The load function will read our data file and whatever variables you put into that eight data file will appear in your environment when you run the command. And you can also save commands, which is going to be the output. So here, this is from the domain model, the R file. You can see that we export the weather model and we have the energy model, which has data frames. And then we also have an auxiliary building vector and we write it to a file in the eight data directory. So now the contract between the programs, how the programs communicate together, how you build your big analysis is going to be through these eight data files. You get a couple of nice things from this. Your programs become much smaller. All you have to reason, like before, when you have a huge R data program, you'd have to reason about the whole program at once. So you often have a lot of global variables that are all intermediate steps in your analysis. Well, when you take your variables, pick out the important ones and export them into R data files, you now only have to reason about a very small set of variables. So that makes it much easier for new people to come into the project or for yourself to come back into the project after a month. You also get some other nice things from using this technique of having intermediate files that save the data. You can checkpoint your computation. So for this analysis of the indoor climate, I was running a pretty hefty time series model that took like eight hours to run on my MacBook, and you don't want to do that too often. So you run the analysis once, write it to the eight data file, and now you have the results to continue your analysis. Your analysis also becomes reproducible in some sense with some tablets. It's reproducible in the way that you could share the intermediate results with your collaborators and you have the same starting point. Another property. It's a fancy word. How is it pronounced again? Adam. It just means that, oh, well, that's how your program should behave, that if you run the program again and again, it should always give the same R data file, unless of course you change the inputs or you change the code that transforms the input data. One problem, though, with this graph is that, okay, so a new person comes into the project and they have to figure out what the relationship is between all the R files and they have to figure out to run the R files in the right sequence for the model to actually work because now the dependency is no longer on your CSV files or JSON files or web services. The dependencies are now on the A data files. Turns out it's pretty easy to solve or it's been solved for, like, what, 50 years now we can use a tool called make or make files. So a make file is a task runner or like a declarative wave to say these files come from these commands and that way you can, like, automate this whole graph. So this is a sample R file. You have something called targets. Targets define an output and dependent inputs and then you can run whatever commands under these targets. So the cool thing with this is that you have total freedom, so you can run whatever commands you want here. This applies to whether you're doing Python or R or you're doing bash grips in between your analysis steps. This applies to all of those and it also has another couple of nice properties I'm going to get to in a minute but you can compose these targets. So now you can start to build this graph of how things work together in your program. It also has a nice property that if any of your inputs to your targets change, then only the targets that changed run will update for you. So this is example R file from the project. At the top we have the crawl.rda data that we had on the graph before. It defines its input. So its input to this target is actually the R script, so the program that we're going to run. So I have the command for running a R file from the terminal. Then we define the next target, which is kind of like the first one, it's just the other step of the graph. And in the end we have the more advanced target where we have the model. And it depends on the two R data files and on the domain model.rda. So the cool thing now is that if I ever change the import script, then make will go and look at your file system and it will realize that, okay, I'm missing the import.R script, which is the dependency of the R data file has changed.  Or if I've never had this project on my computer before, I just cloned it from GitHub or got it from a colleague and I'm trying to get at the model.R data file. Make will go in and it will look at the dependencies and it will figure out, okay, what other targets do I need to run in order to be able to generate this file? So that way you have like a manifest of how to build your whole project and no one needs to run the R data files in a specific sequence. It's proven technology. So like I said, this was built before my mom was born. So it has like a pretty good track record. It's still state-of-the-art. So if you've ever worked with any, maybe you've done scientific computing where you've done something in C or C++, then you probably ran a make file to build that project. And make files are totally underrated because you can use it for any project. In my daily work, I usually work on front-end JavaScript.  Well, make has been around for 40 years and these guys are just re-invending the wheel in my opinion. So here we have a more comprehensive R file or make file from the project. I have a convenience export target at the top. You can see it doesn't have any commands. It just defines what inputs does it need to do, like does it require to run the export target? So that means I can, from my terminal, I can type make export. It'll go in and it'll figure out how to fulfill those requirements by passing the rest of the file. You can also see I have a clean target. The clean target is for deleting all this intermediate R data files. It's very important that you can start over from any point in time. So you should be able to delete all these intermediate data files and reconstruct them again. I mean, that's the whole point of being reproducible, right? So and then it has some other stuff in here as well, right? So yeah, that's the command I'd usually run if I came into a project and to like build the whole project, I'll just run the make export, which is the top command. And if I get into a bad state, so some of my programs start to behave in an unexpected way, probably because I messed up one of the files.  How am I going for time? Okay, there's just one assumption in all this. Something that from a computer science perspective, you call pure functions. So the thing with all this graph I showed is that this domain model.r can only depend on the inputs I actually give it. If it depends on randomness or it depends on the time of the day or it goes out and talks to a web service or something like that, then the model like this way of computing your models doesn't work anymore. Because then you have inputs that are not explicit. It doesn't matter over here or well, it does matter over here. But because this is the start of your pipeline, you have to get input from somewhere. Otherwise, your program doesn't really do anything. So I'll just show quickly pure functions. So here we have a function from the project. It's so the project collects data from these energy sensors around different buildings at the university. And you can see we have a lot of stuff going on here. The first couple of lines, they are making the URL to go and talk to a web service. Then we go and fetch that URL and we pass the JSON that comes back. And then we go and format some of the data that comes back to the right types in R and then return the data. But this function has a couple of issues in my opinion, because this is not a pure function. We have the inputs shown at the top, but we actually have another input to this function as well that's not explicit. And that's this function here because this function is what you'd call a side effect. It goes and talks to the web service. And it's all right to encapsulate this kind of logic. But then this is no longer a pure function, and we can no longer depend on this function to always give the same results, give them the same inputs. So for a function to be pure, for a function to be reliable, to be reproducible, it has to fulfill these properties. It has to have no side effects. So you can't go and change a data frame that you passed in that has to be explicit. So that's doing no state mutations. You can also no side effects. That also means that you cannot go and fetch a random number from a random number generator. That is something you'd have to pass in as a explicit input. And the output should be directly derivable from the input. So here's a rewrite of the function. It might seem very pedantic to just take the whole thing and split it apart for these reasons. But then the program is a lot easier to reason about when you have a, at the top we have a function to format the URL. So the first part of the last function I showed. So we do that here, read out the URL. Then we go and do the side effect. We go and fetch from the web service. And then we have a second function which actually doesn't change the data frame. So we pass in a piece of the data. We're very explicit about the piece of data we pass in. It goes and updates, but it returns it. And we do the mutation. We do the change outside the function. Because that way we always know where the state changes are. So I mean, of course, you could just, this would be inside one of the initial r-files in the dependency graph. But here we are very explicit about where we change stuff. And that way the program becomes easier to reason about. And you can know that there's nothing going on inside any of the functions that will modify your state. And that was actually kind of what I had. So I mean, that leaves plenty of time for questions. I guess if anybody has questions, we have five minutes, right? Yeah, we've got several minutes.