Hi, I'm going to tell you today about the accessibility toolkits that we have at each of our libraries and at each of the reference desks in the main library. You've had these for a while and I understand that some people have never opened them and played with what's inside, so I'm going to invite you to do that, but I'll show you what they are today. One thing at each, another thing at each of our desks is a sign like this. This went out with the toolkits and it's something really important for you to remember. This tells about all of the accommodations, or many of the accommodations that we offer for people with disabilities in our libraries. Some of these icons may be mysterious to you, so use the binder that came in your toolkit and inside you will see explanations of what each of those icons means and how to help people get to the services that they offer. I also want to point out that in this notebook there is a section about all the tools in the toolkit, so you may refer to this or you may want to look at our staff net page to get more information. Another thing at each of our branches and on each floor in the main library are large print keyboards. These are good for people with vision impairments as well as those who have learning disabilities, and each of the keyboards or each of the computers with the keyboard should have a sign like this attached. You also have a second sign for your your public service desk that invites people to ask for them. I have more of these keyboards, so if yours is wearing out or missing please let me know and we can replace it. Also for people with vision impairments or learning disabilities you'll find a variety of magnifiers. There's a full page magnifier and a conventional handheld magnifier that many people will feel comfortable using. Finally, many people love this dome magnifier. This lays right on the page and it gathers light and makes it really easier for people to read as they move it across the page. A couple of things you may not be as familiar with are these two guides. This one with many lines on it is a reading or writing guide that helps people again people with vision impairments, people with learning disabilities to keep their place on a page as they read. I understand that these are being used and I'm very happy about that. This is the smaller credit card size piece is a signature guide so if you have people filling out forms, library card applications or other things for which you need their signature they lay this on the page and it helps them keep their signature in the right spot. One thing that may be a little mysterious is something that just looks like a conventional felt tip pen. This is called a 2020 easy to read pen and it's great because it writes in very bold characters and it doesn't bleed through paper and it doesn't have any scent. This is very good if you are making note of call numbers or writing information for people who have vision impairments or people with learning disabilities. The final thing specifically for people with vision impairments is this large type ruler. It also it has large characters, it's tactile, it has spray, so it's a very cool tool. You may wonder why I have some of these things that we don't usually have at public service desks. When I was considering putting together these accessibility toolkits I asked people with disabilities and occupational therapists and other librarians what would be useful in public libraries and so that's how we ended up with this variety of tools. Another thing in your toolkit are these pencil grips. There are two large and two small ones. These may seem a little mysterious too but for people who have trouble really holding a pen or manipulating it this makes it comfortable for them to use writing tools. One great use for these happened in our San Francisco History Center when somebody came in with their own large grip pen and they were told that they were not permitted to use it in the San Francisco History Center because we're protecting our materials. Staff up there called me and asked what they might do. I suggested they go to the toolkit. They pulled out a pencil grip, put it on a pencil and wrote to me later saying that the researcher was able to do everything they needed to do using a pencil. This bookholder was recommended by occupational therapists and I've had a couple of people who have dexterity disabilities, mobility disabilities say it's really useful for them when they are reading for a long time. As you can see it can hold a wide and thin book. It has pins on it that can be adjusted so that it can hold all sizes of books. For example this very fat dictionary can also sit on here and you just show people how to insert the pins so that the pages will stay open and they can use the book. The final tool in the toolkit is one that is a little more complicated and techy but it is great. This tool is called a pocket talker and it's a one-to-one assistive listening device that's useful for people with hearing impairments. So if you have somebody who comes to the desk and they're shouting at you to be understood or you feel that you need to talk slowly and clearly to them to be understood I would suggest you offer use of the pocket talker. This is a microphone and you would hold this and offer to people the headset. This is a conventional headset and I want you to note that there are replaceable covers on the headphones and there are more of them in your kit and if you run out of those I have some to replace them so offer the headset. If someone has a hearing aid they may have a switch on it called a telephone switch and with this this is called a necklace loop. They put this around their neck actually the person puts it around their neck again you talk to them and it amplifies directly to their hearing aid. If you feel a little awkward being this close to someone there's also a quite long cord here that attaches both to the microphone and to whatever headset the person is using so you can have some distance to walk to the shelves or talk to them with a little more space between you. One more thing that's important to know about the pocket talker is that you have to be very careful about the volume so please you'll turn it on but don't turn up the volume for the user. Allow them to turn it up to a level that's comfortable for them. That'll be take a little give and take. Why do we have all these tools? We have them so that people will have a better experience using our libraries plain and simple but I have found that some of these tools people like some of these tools so much that they go out and get them for themselves. For example people like the pocket talker so much that they ask about getting their own so that they can take it with them to the doctor's office or a restaurant so that they can sit and talk with their families more comfortably at a table. So this is a wonderful tool that that people love to use and about these dome magnifiers actually after someone came and experimented with using one of these at the library she came back later and told me that she had bought them for several of her friends for Christmas. So I hope you'll enjoy using them and I hope you'll enjoy encouraging our users to use them. If you have any questions about what's in these toolkits or any suggestions about what else might be useful you can contact me at marty.gotter that's m-a-r-t-i dot g-o-d-d-a-r-d at sfpl.org or call me anytime at<PHONE_NUMBER> thank you


Today, we're going to talk about the three feminine traits, three that a high-value man finds irresistible in a woman. Now, before we get started, I just want to identify something about feminine since I use that word. And many of you know that I don't like the rhetoric of masculine and feminine energy. And while I totally subscribe to, we contextualize masculine tends to be male and feminine tends to be female. What I don't like is the rhetoric centered around the energy around a person, okay? And it's because I hear some people out there in the dating realm talk about masculine energy within a woman can be controlling, it can be goal-oriented, it can be aggressive, it can be dismissive to men. And when I think about that, they say masculine energy in a woman is bad, okay? Well, here's the thing. In my world, masculine energy simply means doing, and feminine energy means receiving. And a good, healthy person has a capacity to give and receive in a relationship. Because the contrary about feminine energy men might say, they claim are needy men, they're weak men, they're undecisive male, they're beta males. And that's characterizing it bad. And I just don't like that. That's why I get so riled up when I hear contemporary, or not contemporaries, people out in the dating realm talk about masculine and feminine that way. Because to me, a good, healthy person has a balance of being able to give and receive in the relationship.  Will he genuinely be able to receive your love? Because just, I want you to think about giving and receiving. A healthy human being in a healthy relationship should look like two cars traveling down the road where you're giving and receiving equally. You're giving and receiving equally. That to me is a more effective way to approach the dynamic around masculine and feminine energy. And I just wanted to share that with you. The other thing is this title might have created some pause for some of you because of the term high value. And I know there are some people out in the YouTube universe talking about high value, particularly one man states that a high value man is someone who has financial success probably in the top one or two percent income earners. He is well respected in the community and he has authority over males around them. And this person probably identifies with high value as an alpha male, okay, an alpha male. And for some of you, you might see that as an attractive person to be with. You want to be with a high value man. I want to lean into what I think high value is because this is critically important for this part of the conversation for you understand what a man finds irresistible in a woman, especially this high value man. We could call him high quality, but we're really talking about, at least in my universe, high value is a man whose actions consistently matches his words, his actions consistently matches words. Like we're all going to make mistakes sometimes there's going to be times where we say something and we don't live up to it. That's just going to happen. But there's a consistency. And the reason why I call that high value versus those who are inconsistent with their words, that's a lack of integrity in my book. That's a lack of not living up to the four agreements, which is always do your best. Don't take things personally. Understand that people's judgment towards you as a projection of themselves and be impeccable with your word. That's what actions matching words means. That's what a high value person does or a person that strives to be their best. Number two in this high value narrative is that they have victor consciousness and not victim consciousness. Sadly, here in the United States, we suffer from people living in victim consciousness. Now I'm not suggesting victimhood isn't about being abused or physical violence. That I'm not, I'm totally against that. What I'm talking about is consciousness, in other words, always blaming others for one's plight, one's misfortune in their life. They're always blaming someone else. They're pointing a finger instead of looking at the three fingers pointing back at them. Because a high value person takes charge of their life and says, you know what? When something isn't going right, I'm going to take charge of my life. I'm not going to blame others. Another aspect of high value is they know how to fight fair. And by the way, I'm talking about men and women alike, but a high value man knows how to fight fair and what he can do in the relationship is when there's friction between the two of you, friction, he listens to your point of view and he accepts your point of view as being true for you. And my hope is you do the same for him because that's, you want a man who's going to listen to you and recognize that there are differences in how you might operate and genuinely appreciate your point of view. That's a very attractive aspect of a relationship. Unfortunately, we have people out there that are in, you know, that are using others or they're just wasting time in relationship.  If you haven't seen my chart of three people actively dating, this is men and women alike. There's the users, the spenders and the growers. The users are the love bombers. They're the players. They're the gold diggers. Those are the entitled people. They're going to use you. They're going to waste your time. And the spenders are those people that want connection. They want companionship. They want copulation or sex, but they have no direction. They're afraid of love. And these are many of you women out there as well. You can be spenders spending time not hoping for the man to take the lead in many cases, but you have to work on your own fearfulness. And the growers and the builders. These are the people that are capable of leaning into a relationship and they're not afraid because a high value person also has a level of empathy. And empathy isn't just I can feel your feelings. Empathy is I care about this other person's feelings as much as I care about my own. That's true empathy. When you can, when you can not just feel someone's feelings, you care about their feelings as much as you care about your own feelings. And lastly, there's a level of transparency in the relationship. And transparency means if there's something material to the relationship, you don't shove it under the rug and a man who's high value, again, we can call it high quality, we're just talking about a more evolved empowered person. If it's material, the relationship, they're going to speak up. And so this is the man we're leaning into today. And what he's most attracted to is a woman who mirrors him, who mirrors him. Now, sadly, women have a propensity of giving their power away to men because you've been indoctrinated in this belief that men are the leaders of the relationship. And I get it. This has been going on for 200,000 years. It's the one up, one down. In fact, there's so many people out on YouTube selling you on the idea that you must be submissive to be irresistible to a man. And I'm here to say, I'm looking at my shirt right now, people who think they know everything annoy those of us, they do. When I hear that rhetoric, and by the way, this is just my sense of humor for you all.  What I'm here to say is when I hear that from people, I'm like, that just annoys me that that's the advice out there that you ladies must be a subservient in relationship. Listen, I look at my mom and dad who were married 66 years before my mother, my mother passed away, actually one month shy of 66 years. They were a team. In fact, my mom was probably more in charge of the relationship than my father. The emotional aspects of the relationship.  My mother was over 300 pounds, five foot, five, 300 pounds, but she could walk into the room like she owned a room. She owned a room when she walked into it. She didn't give her power away to anyone and she certainly didn't give it to my father. And a man will not find a woman irresistible if she's giving her power away. This is why lately I've been recommending the book. You should all check this out why men love bitches. I just started reading this bit stands for babe in total control of herself. Yes. Okay. And I've been bookmarking passages here. You know, I'm just going to read one or two principles real quickly because this is so important to be irresistible in relationship. If you start out dependent, it turns him off. But if it is something he can't have, it becomes more of a challenge for him to get. And the also, if your attitude about yourself, wait, it is your attitude about yourself that a man will adopt. Like this reminds me of my mother. She had that empowerment within herself. And my father adored her right up until the end. They had their challenges, but they each showed up in this high value sense. Because a man doesn't find, well, a healthy man, an emotionally healthy man. And by the way, if you haven't seen this chart about emotional maturity and relationship skills, by the way, the previous chart is not a fact. It's just an opinion, but there's roughly 20% of the population as clinical issues. Have any of you watched the Amber Heard, Johnny Depp trials? We're talking about people with clinical issues. You know, whether it's alcoholism, whether it's borderline, whether it's bipolar, whatever the narcissism, sociopaths, there are people that have genuine issues out there. And while I say 20% are healthy in their relationship skills, I'm being a little bit generous. The vast majority of humans are dysfunctional. And they're either coming or going from one of these places. So you can actually still find a dysfunctional man that's actually growing into being a grower and a builder in a relationship.  Maybe I'm a lot dysfunctional. Who knows if I think I know everything, I probably am. So what's a man going to find irresistible on a woman? Well, that's what I want to lean into for the next few minutes. And again, these are, when we use the word feminine traits, we just simply mean female traits. Okay. It's not about feminine energy or masculine energy. So let me pull up my trusty notes and let's get started. So number one, I think one of the most things men find irresistible is a woman who has their act together. They have their act together. They don't operate from constant drama. I met a woman on a first date. She was weird. Like, I mean, we're having coffee. We met up in Marina Del Rey. And she started to share with me about a car accident she had. And it's leading to a lawsuit that she's in. And there's something going on with her work. And I'm like, that didn't endear her to me one bit. That didn't endear her to me one bit. I just, all I saw was red. Okay. I saw drama, drama, drama. And so when a person has their act together, when they operate with their finances are good, their past relationships don't have drama. Oh my gosh. How many of you ladies or men watching this have been with someone who has drama with their ex-relationship? Oh my God. They're going through a contentious divorce. That is no fun. That's not irresistible, whether you're with a man or a woman. They have good relationships with coworkers. They have good relationships with friends. They're actually happy people. And they live life from that place. They're not living life from a downer because they have their physical, they have their emotional act together. And that leans into the next one that a man will find irresistible. At least a high value empowered man. By the way, please forgive the noise out there is that they have their physical act together. They eat healthy. They don't, they're not, listen, I'm not here to judge. I guess I am judging. So let me judge. Okay. They're not chain smokers. They lead a healthy lifestyle. They have physical, they have physical fitness as an important part of their life because here's the thing. At midlife, we're meeting people that the days in front of us are going to be a lot shorter than the days behind us. So the more we stay in physical health, it's a very attractive thing because you want to spend is, you know, when you find that person, you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want them to have a sense of health as part of that. Because you want longevity or I think you do. And lastly, and this piggybacks on what we've talked about before, there's a level of emotional maturity within a woman. And we just shared those five things that the actions match their words. So when we're talking about a high value man, we're talking about the same thing in a woman, actions matching words, victor consciousness, knowing how to fight fair, a level of empathy for themselves as well as the person they're with and transparency. And because these days, most humans have terrible communication and relationship skills, emotional maturity, I highly recommend checking out the book The Hoffman Process. The Hoffman Process. This is a deep, by the way, there's a link below to all the books I recommend. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause us to have negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our life. In fact, one of the aspects of my private coaching, by the way, there's a link below to schedule a free discovery call with me. One of the aspects of my private coaching is helping you to determine which men are emotionally mature enough to be in relationship. Because here's the thing, you're most likely either gonna meet, you have a higher chance of meeting a user or a spender than a grower, okay? Now, those spenders are actually capable of leaning into a healthy relationship, but you have to be able to identify which ones are closer to the user type and which one are closer to the grower builder types. That's where I come in to help you out. And I recommend reading these books because it's part of the process of figuring it out. In fact, this is why I recommend reading my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? A Journey of Personal Development, Self Help and Spiritual War, there's a link below. Because ultimately, these days, you have to be recognized that we're meeting total strangers. By the way, if you haven't checked out this book, Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell, I highly recommend checking this out because when we're meeting total strangers, we have this belief that chemistry will equal relationship success. And yet relationships require so much more. Many of you know my relationship iceberg. I'm gonna share it today. We oftentimes focus on attraction, which is the tip of the iceberg, chemistry. But what makes a relationship successful is below the waterline compatibility, which is shared values, blendable lifestyles, and emotional maturity. And if you can't determine if this person is ready to be in a relationship, then it doesn't matter how irresistible you are.  Because you want, listen, I didn't like titling this feminine high value, but I did it because this is what we associate with when it comes to wanting a healthy happy relationship. And yet the average human is rather delusional. I'll be candid with you. I think most humans are rather delusional in their relationship capacity of what they can attract in because they don't work on themselves. And this is true of men and women alike. You want the best. And yet you're not doing the work inside to attract the best. This is why I recommend all of these books to help prepare you. Because I don't know everything, okay? What I do know is there's a lot of good people out there that can help you along the way. And that's why I recommend all these books. All right. So coming back to what men, a high value man finds irresistible. Listen, when you're working on yourself, when you're coming to the world, when you're coming from a love cup that's full, you're going to become a magnetic attractor for a man who genuinely wants to be with you. So I want to leave you with this one last thought. And I want to leave you with a prayer. And that prayer is simple. I want you to close your eyes, put your hands on your heart, and now put your hands together and simply say, Dear God, universe, spirit, I attract, I attract in healthy love in my life where we have mutual chemistry with one another, where we can communicate with one another with laughter, fun, and play. And we're open to communication and that we are compatible with one another because our lives are blendable with one another and our emotional maturity will allow us to handle conflicts and differences with ease. And lastly, we will build the deep roots together through regular play and social activities and hobbies and mutual interests and spending time with our family and friends together as well as emotional and physical intimacy with one another. And Dear God, universe, spirit, I invite that into my life today because I am working on being the best version of myself and I seek a partner who is also working on being the best version of themselves. And that I ask for, amen.  And if you need some support on that, again, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, listen. If you like this video, if you have something to say, please post a comment below, like this video, share it with your friends, be truly grateful. As always, if you find value in what I do, check out the other links to my group or my Instagram. And I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do.  I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, Pat, a Teddy Bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more loving in our lives. I hope you enjoyed the three feminine traits, a high value man finds irresistible. Take care. Bye-bye now.


What am I going to do? Daddy. Daddy. To who? My daddy's dad. Would that be a good time for me to lay my head in your bosom? Oh gosh. Help us, Zord. I don't wish I had a watermelon. Your hand's jigsaw. Ow. Ow. Ow. It's like velcro. You know, today I want to speak about a topic that is, you know, it's about eventually going to happen in everybody, if not a lot of the people that watch, it will happen. And it's when we experienced a death of a loved one while married and how that has an impact in our marriages. You know, when my sister, just a little background, why I thought about this is when my sister died, it was a very, very long time ago. And I found myself when I was going through the grieving process, whatever that looked like, my wife had the tendency to want to comfort and nurture. That's just her nature to want to do that. And my tendency was push her away. Leave me alone. I want to deal with this on my own. And it caused distance between us. When my mom died, it seemed like it was going to happen. And it caused distance between us. When my mom died, it seemed like, okay, we're grieving together. We're in this together. But then when my dad died, it was a different dynamic. And there was a lot of things in there when my dad passed away that allowed me to start distancing again. I know both of you guys have experienced great loss. You've experienced the loss of both parents and you've experienced a loss of your father. How has that impacted? How did that each experience have an impact in your relationship? You know, when you get, when you meet the girl as I did, my girl was young. Or it was still a college student in her senior year. And I was still in college. And so we were young. So we had a whole life ahead of us. We had experiences that we were yet to share. We had our babies. We purchased our homes. Went through all of those kinds of things that are just part of what occurs when you first get married. And in the first years of your marriage, I think we had like five pregnancies in the first six years of our marriage. And with the miscarriage of one of our babies, we began to experience shared grief very early. Very early and all. And so you do all these basic things and you learn all these basic things from an apartment to a house. You know, to purchasing even cars or furniture and having children and shared birthdays and holidays. You start gaining experiences and you have the joys. And then you start having the sorrows. And the sorrows may come quickly for some or they may come later for others. For us, it was kind of a process where we had more shared joys at first than anything else. But ultimately, you'll get to the point where you start experiencing pains together. And that's when you start discovering things about one another that you really didn't know. We've never gone through these things before. And we discovered that relatively later in our marriage than earlier. Because my father died when I was 51 years old. I think 50 or 51. And so, you know, actually that's not true at all. Let me think. When did Daddy die? How old am I? Yeah, I was 50 or 51.  But that was for me. And I'll let Marie share about her, her experience with her own father. But for me, that was the most cataclysmic thing that she and I ever shared together. Because the loss of a father for a man has a trauma sometimes that is different than when the daughter loses a mother or a father. And I've seen that to be true and may not always be true for everybody.  You've seen them all go to heaven. You've seen that. And for us, the loss of my dad and it was an emotional loss to me caused me to experience something I'd never experienced before. My father raised us in a way that I saw him as a superhero. I really, really did. I mean, this church has heard stories and I don't tell a whole lot of them anymore. Earlier days, I did. But my dad really was my superhero. I never had anybody else in my life, including my mother, to be honest with you. That mattered to me as much as my father. It's just that way with men.  And so when my father died, I lost, I lost a connection with who I am as a man. One of my friends, John Corson, one time said that a man doesn't become a man until his father dies. And I, in theory at that time, said, I think I know what you mean. But I would have to say in my life, that seemed to prove true. Because even though I was already a pastor for many years, a Bible teacher for many years when my father died, I still remember the day that my mother moved out. We had to sell her a home so that she could live with my sister in New Mexico. And I still remember as we moved everything out of her house and the moving truck drove away with furniture.  I still remember sitting in the den by myself in a den that we on occasion would have the grandkids, my kids, and my dad and my mom on occasion, not often, but on occasion in this den at their house. It's where our church began, where I was sitting where our first children's ministry was held. Marie was the children's minister, you know, she was the teacher. And so I'm sitting in this den and as I'm sitting in the den, I just started crying. I just thought, and I spoke to myself. I know my daddy was in heaven. I know where he's at. I didn't lose him. I really didn't. The emotions are a loss, but the reality is I know where he's at. You don't lose something when you know where it's at. But I started speaking out loud. Who am I going to ask advice from? Who's going to help me? Who's going to be there for me?  And so you understand. I can see your eyes. You understand. The loss was unbelievable, John. And I'll go a little further in my mind if I may. You know, I don't want to take from you. But I know that Marie lost her husband for a while. She lost me. I didn't realize it. But I went into this kind of like an emotional cocoon. I just went into the I have to survive mode. See, my father died on a Tuesday. And on Wednesday, I did a Bible study. On Thursday, I made arrangements for his funeral. I had a purchase, a plot. I had to purchase his casket. I had to figure out what we're going to put on the on the headstone. You know, and I was just like a zombie, if you will, just kind of going through the motions. On Sunday, I did my regular church services, you know, and then the next week I buried my father on a Wednesday.  And then Sunday, I did my three services and then an evening service. And then the following Wednesday, I buried my father. And then I performed a wedding at the Wednesday night Bible study for my, for my niece and her fiance, all of this within a week. So I didn't give myself an opportunity to mourn. I didn't, I didn't know how to. So in our case, I ended up bottling everything and I ended up Marie, Marie finally came up to me and said, and we're talking about three weeks or so, at least I haven't shown much emotion. I have been distant and then so that's how it affects marriages. I just, I was so, I was so injured inside and trying to survive and all the pressure of trying to minister. I finally drove, I told Marie, I said, I got to go. Not from her, but I needed my, my, my space for a minute.  And then I came home and I still hadn't healed.  He goes, he said, I didn't lose just my grandfather. I lost you too. I love you, dad. I love you, daddy. And I looked at him. I said, sure, sure you do. Because at that point I didn't let anybody love me. I didn't let anybody in my heart. And yet I'm still trying to minister to the church. And I'm losing people because where's your faith?  You shouldn't sorrow. Your father's in heaven. You know, who, who does the healer go to to be healed? Where do you go to be healed, John, when you're the healer in people's eyes, right? I know all of that. The theologically is incorrect. I know that. But that's what happens is I'm not supposed to have emotion. I'm not supposed to suffer pain. I'm not supposed to. Don't I teach about heaven? And so now the guilt is going on in my in my own heart. Where's my faith? Why am I so hurt? Well, my dad was, my dad died suddenly. John, it wasn't something we planned on. It wasn't something we, we were looking to. My dad was healthy. I saw him on a Wednesday after he'd had a stint. You know, I saw him on a Wednesday and he died the next morning. I couldn't believe it. And it took me, it took me some time to finally, finally just heal. But in the meantime, Marie had to learn how to live with a grieving man, which she had never had to do. She had never had to. And on one occasion I'll let Marie share about from a woman's perspective. After I say this, I said to her after I started to heal and she was really puzzled with me because she'd never seen me like this. She'd never seen me like I, like I had become. It's just so insulated and so hardened. And so I said, when your daddy goes home to be with Jesus, I said, I'll know how to minister to you. I said, and I said, this is going to work that way. And then almost to the exact day, two years later in the same room, I stood there at the bed of my father-in-law and I watched him enter into eternity. In the same room, I saw my father-in-law close his eyes and take his last breath. And there are four beds in this particular room. And I stood in this one bed looking at the bed my father had expired in and that had happened almost, honey, about two years, two years different. And so that's part of what you said for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer till death do us part. But the for richer or for poorer, the word death in those, in those vows, those are just words that you're speaking, poorer, who's going to be poor? Death, you know, that's not going to happen for years. Well, for us, it happened within first three years when we, when we had our miscarriage. And then the most severe of all was when our parents went to be with Jesus. And like I said, a couple years later, re-experienced her own loss. You want to share about that, honey? Well, you already mentioned her miscarriage. And that was unexpected, obviously unexpected. And it was rough as I ended up, my sister-in-law, my husband wasn't able to be around. He wasn't around at the time. And my sister-in-law drove me to the hospital, I believe. And then they told me, we're going to have to take you in. And you've had a miscarriage. That was tough. That was our third baby. That would have been our third child. And I just, after they took me in and did the DNC that they do, they put me back. And I was in a hospital room. And it was a hospital, in the hospital room, I was pretty much isolated. But I could hear the babies because there were babies close by. And it was very, I just, very traumatic. And I just, I didn't know what to think, John. It was like never gone through anything like that before. And then you wonder, am I going to have any other children? Will I be able to have more? I just, I just, yeah. And then to know that my baby, I'll never see my baby. I will see my baby and have him praise the Lord. But to hold the child, never got to. Not a living child. Marie came out with the baby when she miscarried. She came with her hands open like this. That's right. I just miscarried. I did. She held her baby. I did, I forgot. She held her baby. I forgot. That's true. That's, I did hold my baby. And we put the baby in a bag and we took it to the hospital. And then they disposed of it without telling us how they were going to do that. Yes, yes. And of course then, and that's when I had to go into surgery too. At that full moment. But it was, it was hard. It was hard. Wow, that's, that is traumatic. What about when, when you lost your father? That was, John, that was really hard. I'm the oldest. I'm the oldest child. I was the oldest in my family. And dad loved us. He had an affection, very affectionate to his girls. She was his special though. Yeah. I think we all were. All of them are, of course. But anyway, that was, that was a real tough, tough thing then in regards to how it all happened. And I got a phone call on our prayer chain. One of my friends on the prayer chain called me and said, Marie, you need to know your, your dad had a little bit of an accident. It didn't seem like it was, it was minor, you know. And because they didn't know at the time, they just expected.  And well, I found out that what had happened is a phone call must have come. My daddy, it was a Friday. It was a Friday. And my sister would help in the bookstore and she happened to be in the bookstore and Joseph, my son, was there. And Pat was doing Friday school with her kids. She homeschooled them here at the church. And for some reason my grand, my, my, my, every Friday my, my dad would come and he'd come and see the kids. He would just come and he'd love to walk around the church. And so, well, he didn't come this time.  So she called and, and my dad answered, but he didn't sound right. It sounded like he was slurring his words. And so Joseph, you know, got ahold of the phone and then he, they decided that they were going to just go, go see what was going on with my dad. And because he heard something like something had fallen, like something. Anyway, turned out my dad had fallen when they got there. And, and my Joseph was able to attend to my son, my father, which was a blessing. And my, my Joseph led my dad to the Lord. Right there, he said, Papa, I don't know what's, I don't know what's going to happen right now.  He, you know, let me share this with you. And my daddy said, yes, to the Lord. And my sister was standing, was there. She was an obvious, just a panic inside and trying to maintain, you know, there. But, and from there, then they took, he was taken. And then we got word that my, you know, that, that had happened. And so Dave and I went down. My dad lasted a couple, a couple days. And, and we were my sisters and, and my, my sisters are believers. And, and my brothers there also, we have a few, three brothers there. We were around, surrounded by our daddy and my mom was there. And it was a very sweet time to be with my dad. And, but it was tough, John. It was, it was my dad, like I said, my dad would always bring the little girls, even our little ones are his, his grandchildren. They would always get them little stuffed animals or something. And that was my dad. He loved the boys. He had a special love for the girls. But he, he did, you know. And, and my, our children did spend a lot of time with them, with both, with my daddy. So that was a real blessing. But it was, it was, it was really tough. And I have to tell you, after, you know, after we, we buried him and everything, it was very hard for me to be in church. I would sit in the back room kind of for all the, for, I, I couldn't go out for some time. It was, it was hard. It was hard. The Lord was able to use one another down the road as, as healing. Because if we think about some of the conversation that we had in the recent past, how you guys were, were made, you're, you're made for your marriage. We discussed that a few weeks back. And the Lord, we talked about a second later, a second before. Remember, we talked about that. And knowing in that second that the Lord was going to provide all in that quickness of all of that, in the time that you guys would go through this, that you would be the right one for each other. It seems that way to me, John. You know, he, I think you can be a comfort to one another. Yes. When you're following the path the Lord has led you on. The ones that we have over time discovered have greater difficulty. The ones who were not necessarily unprepared emotionally. It's the ones who were unprepared spiritually. You know, they, they are the ones I think sometimes that have the most difficult times with, with loss. You know, and so for me, I, I lived in a make, made belief. I really did realize that my dad was a human being. I really did. I mean, I'm not, I'm not pretending that I really thought he was a superhero. My, my father had a purpose in life and that was my mother. You know, and so dad, dad was a heroic figure in many ways. One of them was that he at the age of 65 retired with a very small pension, social security to take care of a woman who was ill, who had been ill. John, since she was 24. And so daddy was 74 years old when he died and he'd been taking care of her since he was about 28. You know, so this is a heroic figure to me because mama in her illness could be a very difficult woman. That, that's understandable. And but dad was very heroic. So when, when he was, he had his heart attack and my mom called and said, son, we're in the hospital. Can you, can you come? Of course I'll be right there now. Honest to goodness.  You know, I'll go. Mama said, Marie said, I'll go. Yeah, let's go. But I honestly looked at it like I was going to visit dad and he's going to get out. Right. And so that's, I've told the story before, but when I went to the hospital here in Chino, mama walks up to me and says to me, dad had a heart attack. They had to come in the hospital. The ambulance had to come to bring him to the hospital. She's filling me in. And she says, you know what he did before they got here? And I said, no, mama, what? She said, he prayed. Well, daddy was a believer. You know, I had brought my father to faith in Christ when he was 44 years old. And so he was a believer. And so I said, okay, well, of course, you know, daddy was a member of our church. Our church started basically in home Bible studies at his house. I mean, why wouldn't he pray? He immediately thought, but she said, you know what he prayed. And I said, no, mama, what? He said, father, take care of my wife. That was my dad's last prayer that I know of. Father, take care of my wife. That was my dad. And so I did not, I did not expect him to die. I didn't. And so when he did, I was devastated. I was, I was unable to grasp it.  I think grieve differently. We have different relationships with our parents. Her daddy had a different relationship than I had with my father. You know, and so I couldn't identify those daughter sorrows or joys. I couldn't, you know, she presented her father with his first grandbaby and all those wonderful things. I remember sitting out in the front yard. My father-in-law used to like to sit out and watch his grandchildren play. And it would be Christmas. And I loved my father-in-law a lot. And he was a good man. And so I remember walking out where he was, you know, the family, the Lopez families together. And so I sat outside in the front yard, sat next to my father-in-law.  And I know he did, you know, so that made me feel part of the family. And so he, I looked at him and I said, I said, may I ask you a question? And he says, okay, I said, the way that I have provided for your daughter. I said, are you pleased with that? Are you pleased with how I have taken care of her? And I'll never forget him looking at me. David, all I ever wanted was her to be happy. He said, that's all I've ever wanted. And if she's happy, I'm pleased. And I said, I've tried to make her happy. He says that I'm pleased. And that was the most personal conversation he and I had. And then the day that he died, as Marie said, I was there at the foot of the bed, you know, with my brothers-in-law. And Kurt, was there at the foot of the bed? Yes, and I think my brothers, yeah. Your brothers, you know, Ruben and Matthew and Kurt, the family were there at the foot of the bed. And I think your mama and you had walked out. You had to take your mama out. I think at one point, but when she was there, too. And at that point, I looked at my father-in-law and my brothers-in-law were standing there. And I love my brothers-in-law, like my brothers. I'm kind of like the older brother, you know, to these men in some ways. And so, yeah, I prayed, but I took his foot.   I was at the foot of the bed. And I said, I want to tell you something. He was in a coma, you know, and I didn't know whether he was aware or not.  I said, thank you for how you raised your daughter. Thank you. Thank you. And I love you. And my brothers-in-law were there watching me as I touched his foot. And I said, because I never told him. And all the years, Marie and I were together. From the day he met me with his wild afro when I was 24 years old to that moment. And I told him, I said, I've never told you, but I want you to know I love you. I love you. And thank you for how you raised your daughter. And I took that to heart. So the next Christmas or one after that, after recent after that, I gave my mother-in-law a card for Christmas in it. I said, I've never told you how much I love you. I didn't tell my father-in-law while he could hear it. So I want you to hear it while you still can. I love you. So those are the things that Marie and I shared, the things that changed in us and the grief that we learned to deal with. I am very grateful for the support, the spiritual support that my girl was able to bring to me. And I tried to provide that for her. The hope that we have in Christ. That's what pushed us over. And so a few years later, my mom died. And it was a different experience entirely when mama died than it was when my dad died. And Sandy McIntosh, one day after mama died, looked at me and said something that I had thought but never said. She looked at me and she said, and the way she said it, she's so dear, I love Sandy very much. She said, you're an orphan like that. And you know the feeling, you're an orphan. And I said, yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. But Jesus said, I'll never leave you orphans. I will come to you. So we're really not orphans. But yeah, I sit in a practical way. I am, you know. But that's what we've gone through in that pain. And we comforted each other. We were there for one another. If Marie is very quiet and very, she closes very much her emotions. Me, I wear them on my sleeve normally. You know, you're going to know if I'm upset or if I'm happy, you'll know. Because I don't hide my emotions that well, especially to my wife. You know, she knows me. But I became a mystery to her because I had never gone through anything like this. And she was living with a different man than she had known all those years. She was living with a different man. And she didn't know how to relate. And she was helpless. Because the only help that I could get eventually, he really came from the Lord. He really did. God woke me up through the words of my little... He was young at that time through my baby, my son Dave. When he told me I lost my grandfather and my dad. And I actually thought about that. And though I couldn't receive what he was saying when he said it, I did later. And that's what turned my heart to realize that I had absented myself from my own family and my grief. Marie did the same kind of thing, but in a more subtle way. Because she's more like her dad. She's more like her dad. She closes her emotions up and you won't know what's going on unless she wants you to know. But I know my girl. I know how she is. That I had to give her space to deal with this, the way she deals with how she deals with her pain. I had to. And that's what I had learned because she needed to give me some room to let God speak to my broken heart. And so I had learned that. And so I thought, no, I'm here. She knows I'm here. She'll take advantage of that. She knows. I don't have to push myself on her. She'll talk. She did when she felt like it. She'd share. But to this day, we really don't talk about these things. The only time we ever talk about them is when we see our grandchildren and we tear up with one another saying, our dad's never met him. And you know that. Our dad's never. Our dad's didn't have. He met his grandchildren, but he never met his great-grandchildren. That's right. And to this day, we'll say, oh, he would love that one. He would. Oh, that little stinker. Your dad would have loved that one. And we'll do that. Because our grandbabies are stinkers, you know. Darling. Yeah. They're Rosaleses. Yeah. How did you guys deal with the times? I often think about when I first got hired here, the first thing I wanted to do was call my parents and let my dad, you know, because of the little bit of the history we have like, dad, I'm going to work for Pastor David, you know, and you pick up the phone. And I went through that for a while and it was difficult to navigate through that, you know. But with that, I think about families who may not have lost a loved one in a sense by death, but have lost a loved one maybe by the way of protocol. And I think about them as well, how even in that type of loss, the grief that goes on and the dangers that can happen when there was a polarization and distancing because there's really no book that tells us, okay, when your child has gone out there, we lost a dad or a mom or a child doesn't really explain the dynamic that goes on, you know. And so I wanted to ask what can be the dangers of that distancing from one another when there is a loss? You know, the first thing God ever says is not good is that the man should be alone. I think that one of the dangers of grieving alone over a prolonged period is your life becomes unbalanced and disconnected. And so I think that, I think it's important to be aware of that at all times when I lost, you know, that earth relationship with my dad. There were some people who wanted to be a comfort to me and said the wrong kinds of things, you know, and God bless them. They don't intend to be hurtful or they just are. They're doing their best. And so you give them grace, you know.  Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I think it's always wise to be as wise as Job's comforters when they first sat with them and in silence said nothing so many days because you weep with those who weep. And I never needed to be given Bible studies by people I'd taught. You know, I needed just to be allowed to grieve, which on my, in my experience, there were quite a number who would not allow for that. So what did we learn? We learned that there's a proper time to speak and there are proper words to speak and give people some room, make yourself available, but do so in a way that isn't threatening. Allow them, if they have to cry for a month to cry, encourage them when given opportunity, be a shoulder if you need to be. You know, Randy Walls and Jeanette Walls are two of our dearest friends. And you know, Randy walked with me through the valley. Randy went with us to purchase, well he actually was in the room with us, you know, almost from the onset. You know, he went with me when I purchased my dad's casket when I purchased the headstone. He walked with me through the entire valley. He never left my side. Jay was the same way. Jeanette was the same way. And they suffered along with me when I stopped talking. With them, it was, they were really, really hurt in some ways. I don't want to put words into their mouths, but they would tell you that they lost me. They will tell you that, that they didn't know where I went because they were not used to me that way. And because he was there and then suddenly I'm not. You know, when, when Marie, when Marie's father went home to be with the Lord, she handled it differently. Marie, Marie's got a strength about her that is very much to be admired. And she, she went, she went through her loss in a different way than I went through mine. But she never absented herself from us. She was always there. She was always present, but she just had her private grief. And I, and I, I felt it wise to let her grieve. Everybody grieves differently. I wanted her to grieve in a way that would bring healing because I'm very much everybody knows this who knows us. I'm very much a strength to my wife. She's a strength. Of course to me, but I'm very much a strength to her. And she really does rely on me. And sometimes I have to just be quiet because she doesn't need my words. She just needs me, you know, and I had, I had to practice that. And so I learned that. So whatever, whatever the, the couple is going through together, they need to receive one another. They need to, like Paul said in Romans, you need to receive one another. You need to accept one another, not try and change and not say, you've got to talk right now. You're, no, you can't do that, you know, the way I do it. And I do that. Can you imagine the different conversations over the years, John, that I've had, you know, with people where I am a listener and people know me as a talker because pastors talk. But I'm really a listener. I'm a much more of a listener and people in the poll and the pews know I'll listen. And if you've got something you need to share, that's why I listen. And unless asked, I don't really speak that much. I just, because I think that sometimes people just need to say, this is how I feel. This is what I'm going through. And I'm not going to say, Oh, snap out of it. You know, the joy of the Lord is your strength. You know, you know, Don McClure said something and I'll paraphrase him. He says, I believe that Christians grieve deeper because Christians love deeper. I think there's truth to that. We grieve deeper because we love deeper. And for my dad, there was a huge, huge, huge void in my life when daddy went home. Yeah, very, very huge. Yeah. And with mama, with Marie, you know, her daddy. Very special relationship. And so it was, it was hard. It was hard. It was hard. There were times we just, we just want to just sit next to each other. Sometimes that's just the best way. Sometimes, yeah. You don't need to say anything. You just sit. I think people don't know how to respond. So they feel that they had to fill that time with words. They don't mean harm. I remember how many times I was offended, but I didn't look beyond. They never experienced anything like this. They don't know what to say. And they think sometimes we're just filling that silence. They say something, you know. And, you know, I've been trying to convince my wife recently. I've told her I've been grieving the loss of my parents and my sister. And so I need to get new golf clubs, but she's not, she's not going for it. You know, it's like, honey, I'm grieving. I need to get clubs. No, she's not falling for it. Yeah. Well, you guys, that's just about our time. Thank you so much for being able to share. I mean, even as we share, it's still difficult. And it could be three years ago. It can be 15 years ago. It can be in. It's still difficult. And, but to be able to reflect back and see how the Lord led you both through the difficult times and used you guys both to, to come together in such, I mean, as you mentioned, Pastor and Marie, probably some of the most difficult times in our lives going through something like that, you know, and so, so thank you for being transparent. Is there anything you'd like to say to our church before we close? I miss some of you who are staying home. But then again, I know that you need to. We're looking forward to church services this Sunday. We celebrate, which our service isn't going to be a celebration of. I do hope that we'll have that God willing next year on our 40th, but the 26th represents our 39th anniversary for the church to meet on Sunday mornings.  It's going to be a joy. And so for us, I would hope that those who, who would like to be with us and haven't yet come, that they would come, we do take every precaution for the CDC regulations and everything this place is cleaner than it's ever been. And thank God that it is. And it is a safe location. And I'd love to have my church with me this week. And so just want to say to our church, and I say this for Marie and me, both of us, you know, John, for us to live as Christ, you know, but our joy has been to be able to communicate the love of God to people. And this Sunday I'll be teaching out of 2nd Corinthians 11. And I will be closing with Paul's statement that after all that he's gone through, and he lists quite a number of things about the dangers, travels, the perils, you know, the persecutions, he goes through a litany of things that he's endured and spoken of the pressure that he carries. His last and most important pressure is his daily concern that comes upon him for the church. And so, you know, people don't know our private journey. They don't know the sacrifices. And I'm not making a big deal out of him. Paul didn't want to make a deal out of his. He just said, I feel obligated to share. But my wife has given up an awful lot to have a husband who's a pastor. And I have given up an awful lot of life to care for this church. I have. My children gave up their father because I cared for other people in a way that the average person doesn't. And so I understand some of what Paul's saying when he says after all these things that I've gone through, he said, my daily concern for the church, you know, I understand that as a pastor would. And so I have a daily concern for the sheep here. I may not be able to come and see every person. I can't have coffee with everyone. I can't sit down and personally counsel every couple or even spend much time with every person that doesn't happen. How can it? We normally have so many people, but that doesn't mean that our hearts aren't with the people here. It doesn't mean that that we don't carry in our hearts concerns for them. And so that's just the life of a pastor. And I have never looked at this church as a stepping stone for me to be well known in a community or to get some personal aggrandizement from service. I've looked at them as being the most important people in my life outside of my blood relatives. And so I miss my church. You know, I do just to see people out there, even though I can't, I can't really spend time with them. It doesn't mean that I don't see them and I'm not grateful for them. So I miss my church. We, we both do. We miss our people very much. And we love them, but we, we understand we do. Some cannot come. Some are concerned with their health. And you know what? We are too. But I look forward to being able to celebrate this Sunday. 39 years. Some, some men have not remained married to their wives for 39 years, but I've been married to our ministry faithfully for 39 years. And it's my greatest love outside of my Jesus and my wife and my babies. And so I look forward to Sunday.  I mean, that's amazing. Well, you're happy. I don't know about the other one. Because I pay you. You pay me to say that. And church, come out and join us. The second Corinthian study is amazing. Even the Wednesday night servicer, you've been in John 18 these last, uh, last weekend tonight looking at Peter and you guys just have to come check it out. So come join us. God bless you. Bless you. Love you.