CHAPTER XXVI Arthur had chosen the entrance hall for the ballroom, very wisely, for no other room could have been so airy, but would have had the advantage of the wide doors opening into the garden as well as a ready entrance into the other rooms. To be sure, a stone floor was not the pleasantest to dance on, but then most of the dancers had known what it was to enjoy a Christmas dance on kitchen quarries. It was one of those entrance halls which makes the surrounding rooms look like closets, with stucco angels, trumpets and flower reeds on the lofty ceiling, and great medallions of miscellaneous heroes on the walls, alternating with statues in niches. Just the sort of place to be ornamented well with green boughs, and Mr. Craig had been proud to show his taste and his hot house plants on the occasion. The broad steps of the stone staircase were covered with cushions to serve as seats for the children, who were to stay till half-past nine with the servant-maids to see the dancing, and as this dance was confined to the chief tenants, there was abundant room for everyone. The lights were charmingly disposed in colored paper lamps, high up among the green boughs, and the farmer's wives and daughters, as they peeped in, believed no scene could be more splendid. They knew now quite well in what sort of rooms the king and queen lived, and their thoughts glanced with some pity towards cousins and acquaintances, who had not this fine opportunity of knowing how things went on in the great world. The lamps were already lit, though the sun had not long set, and there was that calm light out of the doors in which we seemed to see all objects more distinctly than in the broad day. It was a pretty scene outside the house. The farmers and their families were moving about the lawn, among the flowers and shrubs, or along the broad straight road leading from the east front, where a carpet of mossy grass spread on each side, studded here and there with a dark flat-bowed cedar, or a grand pyramidal fur sweeping the ground with its branches, all tipped with a fringe of paler green. The groups of cottagers in the park were gradually diminishing, the young ones being attracted towards the lights that were beginning to gleam from the windows of the gallery in the abbey, which was to be their dancing-room, and some of the sober elder ones thinking at time to go home quietly. One of these was Elizabeth Bede, and Seth went with her, not from filial attention only, for his conscience would not let him join in dancing. It had been rather a melancholy day to Seth. Dinah had never been more constantly present with him than in this scene, where everything was so unlike her. He saw her all the more vividly after looking at the thoughtless faces and gay-colored dresses of the young women, just as one feels the beauty and the greatness of a pictured Madonna the more when it has been for a moment screened from us by a vulgar head in a bonnet. But this presence of Dinah in his mind only helped him to bear the better with his mother's mood, which had been becoming more and more quarrelous for the last hour. Poor Elizabeth was suffering from a strange conflict of feelings. Her joy and pride in the honor paid to her darling son, Adam, was beginning to be worsted in the conflict with the jealousy and fretfulness which had revived when Adam came to tell her that Captain Donothorn desired him to join the dancers in the hall. Adam was getting more and more out of her reach. She wished all the old troubles back again, for then it mattered more to Adam what his mother said and did. Eh! It's fine talking or dancing, she said, and thy father not a five-week-ins grave, and I wish I were there too. Shadow being left to take up Marrior Folk's room above ground. Nade, don't look at it in that way, mother, said Adam, who was determined to be gentle to her today. I don't mean to dance. I shall only look on, and since the Captain wishes me to be there, it'd look as if I thought I knew better than him to say as I'd rather not stay, and he knows how he's behaved to me today. Eh! Did do as these licks, for the old mother's got the right to hinder thee. She's not but the old husk, and these slipped away from her like the ripe nut. Well, mother, said Adam, I'll go and tell the Captain as it hurts thy feelings for me to stay, and I'd rather go home upon that account. He won't take it ill then, I daresay, and I'm willing. They said this with some effort, for he really longed to be near Hetty this evening. Nade! Nade! I want to how thee do that, the young squire'll be angered. Go and do what they tortured to do, and me and Seth will go home. I know it's a great honor for thee to be so looked on, and who's to be prouder on it, nor thy mother? Isn't she the cumvera rear in thee, and doin' for thee all these ears? Well, good-bye, then, mother, good-bye, lad. Remember, Jip, when you get home, said Adam, turning away towards the gate of the pleasure grounds, where he hoped he might be able to join the poisers, for he had been so occupied throughout the afternoon that he had had no time to speak to Hetty. His eye soon detected a distant group, which he knew to be the right one, returning to the house along the broad gravel road, and he hastened on to meet them. Why, Adam, I'm glad to get sight on you again, said Mr. Poiser, who was carrying Tati on his arm. You're gone to have a bit of fun, I hope. Now your work's all done. And here's Hetty, has promised no end to partners, and I've just been asking her if she'd agreed to dance with you, and she says no. Well I didn't think a dance in tonight, said Adam, already tempted to change his mind, as he looked at Hetty. Nonsense, said Mr. Poiser. Why everybody's going to dance tonight, all but the old squire and Mrs. Irwin. Mrs. Best's been telling us, as Miss Liddy and Miss Irwin will dance, and the young squire will pick my wife for his first partner to open the ball. So she'll be forced to dance, though she's laid by ever sin the Christmas before the little one was born. You can't if for shame stand still, Adam, and you a fine young fellow, and can dance as well as anybody. Nay, nay, said Mrs. Poiser. It'd be unbecoming. I know the dance is nonsense, but if you stick at everything because it's nonsense, you want to go far in this life. When your broth's ready made for you, you must swallow the thickening, or else let the broth alone. Then if Hetty'll dance with me, said Adam, yielding either to Mrs. Poiser's argument or to something else, I'll dance whichever dance she's free. I've got no partner for the fourth dance, said Hetty. I'll dance that with you, if you like. Ah, said Mr. Poiser. But your mom danced the first dance, Adam. Else it'll look particular. There's plenty of nice partners to pick and choose from, and it's hard for the girls when the men stand by and don't ask them. Adam felt the justice of Mr. Poiser's observation. It would not do for him to dance with no one besides Hetty. And remembering that Jonathan Berg had some reason to feel hurt today, he resolved to ask Miss Mary to dance with him the first dance if she had no other partner. There's the big clock striking eight, said Mr. Poiser. We must make haste in now, else the squire and the ladies will be in before us, and that wouldn't look well. When they had entered the hall, and the three children under Molly's charge had been seated on the stairs, the folding doors of the drawing-room were thrown open, and Arthur entered in his regimentals, leading Mrs. Irwin to a carpet-covered dais ornamented with hot-house plants where she and Miss Anne were to be seated with old Mr. Donothorn that they might look on at the dancing, like the kings and queens in the plays. Arthur had put on his uniform to please the tenants, he said, who thought as much of his militia dignity as if it had been an elevation to the premier ship. He had not the least objection to gratify them in that way. His uniform was very advantageous to his figure. The old squire before sitting down walked around the hall to greet the tenants and make polite speeches to the wives. He was always polite, but the farmers had found out, after long puzzling, that this polish was one of the signs of hardness. It was observed that he gave his most elaborate civility to Mrs. Poiser tonight, inquiring particularly about her health, recommending her to strengthen herself with cold water, as he did, and avoid all drugs. Mrs. Poiser curtsied and thanked him with great self-command, but when he had passed on she whispered to her husband, I'll lay my life, he's brewing some nasty turn against us. Old Harriet doesn't wag his tail so for nothing. Mr. Poiser had no time to answer, for now Arthur came up and said, Mrs. Poiser, I've come to request the favour of your hand for the first dance, and Mr. Poiser, you must let me take you to my aunt, for she claims you as her partner. The wife's pale cheek flushed with a nervous sense of unwanted honour, as Arthur led her to the top of the room. But Mr. Poiser, to whom an extra glass had restored his youthful confidence in his good looks and good dancing, walked along with them quite proudly, secretly flattering himself that Miss Lydia had never had a partner in her life who could lift her off the ground as he would. In order to balance the honours given to the two parishes, Mrs. Irwin danced with Luke Britton, the largest Broxton farmer, and Mr. Gawain let out Mrs. Britton. Mr. Irwin, after seating his sister Anne, had gone to the Abbey Gallery as he had agreed with Arthur beforehand to see how the merriment of the cottagers was prospering. Meanwhile all the less distinguished couples had taken their places, had he was let out by the inevitable Mr. Craig and Mary Berg by Adam, and now the music struck up and the glorious country dance best of all dances began. Idiot was not a boarded floor, then the rhythmic stamping of the thick shoes would have been better than any drums. That merry stamping, that gracious nodding of the head, that waving bestowal of the hand, where can we see them now? That simple dancing of well-covered matrons laying aside for an hour, the cares of house and dairy, remembering but not affecting youth, not jealous but proud of the young maidens by their side, that holiday sprightliness of portly husbands paying little compliments to their wives as if courting days were come again. Those lads and lasses a little confused and awkward with their partners having nothing to say. It would be a pleasant variety to see all that sometimes instead of low dresses and large skirts and scanning glances exploring costumes and languid men in lacquered boots smiling with double meaning. There was but one thing to Mar-Martin Poiser's pleasure in this dance. It was that he was always in close contact with Luke Britton, that slovenly farmer. He thought of throwing a little glazed coldness into his eye and the crossing of hands, but then as Miss Irwin was opposite to him instead of the offensive Luke he might freeze the wrong person. So he gave his face up to hilarity, unchilled by moral judgments. How Hetty's heart beat as Arthur approached her. He had hardly looked at her to-day. Now he must take her hand. Would he press it? Would he look at her? She thought she would cry if he gave her no sign of feeling. Now he was there. He had taken her hand, yes, he was pressing it. Hetty turned pale as she looked up at him for an instant and met his eyes before the dance carried him away. That pale look came upon Arthur like the beginning of a dull pain which clung to him, though he must dance and smile and joke all the same. Hetty would look so when he told her what he had to tell her, and he should never be able to bear it. He should be a fool and give way again. Hetty's look did not really mean so much as he thought. It was only the sign of a struggle between the desire for him to notice her and the dreadless she should betray the desire to others. But Hetty's face had a language that transcended her feelings. There are faces which nature charges with a meaning and a pathos not belonging to the single human soul that flutters beneath them, but speaking the joys and sorrows of foregone generations. Eyes that tell of deep love which doubtless has been and is somewhere, but not paired with these eyes. Perhaps paired with pale eyes that can say nothing. Just as a national language may be instinct with poetry unfelt by the lips that use it. That look of Hetty's oppressed Arthur with a dread which yet had something of a terrible, unconfessed delight in it. That she loved him too well. There was a hard task before him, for at that moment he felt he would have given up three years of his youth for the happiness of abandoning himself without remorse to his passion for Hetty. These were the incongruous thoughts in his mind as he led Mrs. Poiser, who was panting with fatigue, and secretly resolved that neither judge nor jury should force her to dance another dance, to take a quiet rest in the dining-room where supper was laid out for the guests to come and take it as they chose. I have desired Hetty to remember as she's got to dance with you, sir, said the good innocent woman, for she is so thoughtless she'd be like enough to go and engage herself for every dance. So I told her not to promise too many. Thank you, Mrs. Poiser, said Arthur, not without a twinge. Now sit down in this comfortable chair, and here is Mills ready to give you what you would like best. He hurried away to seek another matronly partner, for due honour must be paid to the married women before he asked any of the young ones, and the country dances, and the stamping, and the gracious nodding, and the waving of the hands went unjoyously. At last the time had come for the fourth dance, longed for by the strong grave-atom as if he had been a delicate-handed youth of eighteen. For we are all very much alike when we are in our first love. And Adam had hardly ever touched Hetty's hand for more than a transient greeting, had never danced with her, but once before. His eyes had followed her eagerly to-night in spite of himself, and had taken in deeper drafts of love. He thought she behaved so prettily, so quietly. She did not seem to be flirting at all. She smiled less than usual. There was almost a sweet sadness about her. God bless her, he said inwardly. I'd make her life a-happien if a strong arm to work for her at a heart to love her could do it. And then there stole over him delicious thoughts of coming home from work and drawing Hetty to his side, and feeling her cheeks softly pressed against his till he forgot where he was, and the music and the tread of feet might have been the falling of rain and the roaring of the wind for what he knew. But now the third dance was ended, and he might go up to her and claim her hand. She was at the far end of the hall near the staircase, whispering with Molly, who had just given the sleeping Totty into her arms before running to fetch shawls and bonnets from the landing. His poiser had taken the two boys away into the dining-room to give them some cake before they went home in the cart with grandfather, and Molly was to follow as fast as possible. Let me hold her, said Adam, as Molly turned upstairs. The children are so heavy when they're asleep. Hetty was glad of the relief, for to hold Trotty in her arms, standing, was not at all a pleasant variety to her. But this second transfer had the unfortunate effect of rousing Totty, who was not behind any child of her age, in peevishness at an unseasonable awakening. While Hetty was in the act of placing her in Adam's arms, and had not yet withdrawn her own, Totty opened her eyes and forthwith fought out with her left fist at Adam's arm, and with her right caught at the string of brown beads round Hetty's neck. The locket leaped out from her frock, and the next moment the string was broken, and Hetty helpless saw beads and lockets scattered wide on the floor. My locket, my locket, she said, in a loud, frightened whisper to Adam. Never mind the beads. Adam had already seen where the locket fell, for it had attracted his glance as it leaped out of her frock. It had fallen on the raised wooden dais where the band sat, not on the stone floor, and as Adam picked it up he saw the glass with the dark and light locks of hair under it. It had fallen that side upwards, so the glass was not broken. He turned it over in his hand and saw the enameled gold back. It isn't hurt, he said, as he held it towards Hetty, who was unable to take it because both her hands were occupied with Totty. Oh, it doesn't matter. I don't mind about it, said Hetty, who had been pale and was now red. No matter, said Adam gravely, you seem very frightened about it. I'll hold it till you're ready to take it, he added, quietly closing his hand over it, that she might not think he wanted to look at it again. By this time Molly had come with Bonnet and Shawl, and as soon as she had taken Totty, Adam placed the locket in Hetty's hand. He took it with an air of indifference and put it in her pocket, in her heart vexed and angry with Adam because he had seen it, but determined now that she would show no more signs of agitation. See, she said, they're taking their places to dance. Let us go. Adam ascended silently. A puzzled alarm had taken possession of him. Had Hetty a lover he didn't know of? For none of her relations, he was sure, would give her a locket like that, and none of her admirers with whom he was acquainted was in the position of an accepted lover, as the giver of that locket must be. Adam was lost in the utter impossibility of finding any person for his fears to a light on. He could only feel with a terrible pang that there was something in Hetty's life unknown to him, that while he had been rocking himself in the hope that she would come to love him, she was already loving another. The pleasure of the dance with Hetty was gone. His eyes, when they rested on her, had an uneasy questioning expression in them. He could think of nothing to say to her, and she too was out of temper and disinclined to speak. They were both glad when the dance was ended. Adam was determined to stay no longer. No one wanted him, and no one would notice if he slipped away. As soon as he got out of doors, he began to walk at his habitual rapid pace, hurrying along without knowing why, busy with the painful thought that the memory of this day so full of honor and promise to him was poisoned for ever. Suddenly when he was far on through the chase, he stopped, startled by a flash of reviving hope. After all, he might be a fool, making a great misery out of a trifle. The fond of finery, as she was, might have bought the thing herself. It looked too expensive for that. It looked like the thing on white satin in the great jeweler's shop at Rasseteer. But Adam had very imperfect notions of the value of such things, and he thought it could certainly not cost more than a guinea. Perhaps Hetty had as much as that in Christmas boxes, and there was no knowing, but she might have been childish enough to spend it in that way. She was such a young thing, and she couldn't help loving finery. But then why had she been so frightened about it at first, and change color so, and afterwards pretended not to care?  She was conscious that it was wrong for her to spend her money on it, and she knew that Adam disapproved of finery. It was a proof she cared about what he liked and disliked. She must have thought from his silence and gravity afterwards that he was very much displeased with her, that he was inclined to be harsh and severe towards her foibles. And as he walked on more quietly, chewing the cud of this new hope, his only uneasiness was that he had behaved in a way which might chill Hetty's feeling toward him. For this last view of the matter must be the true one. How could Hetty have an accepted lover quite unknown to him? She was never away from her uncle's house for more than a day. She could have no acquaintances that did not come there, and no intimacies unknown to her uncle and aunt. It would be folly to believe that the locket was given to her by a lover. The little ring of dark hair he felt sure was her own. He could form no guess about the light hair under it, for he had not seen it very distinctly. It might be a bit of her father's or mother's who had died when she was a child, and she would naturally put a bit of her own along with it. And so Adam went to bed comforted, having woven for himself an ingenious web of probabilities, the surest screen a wise man can place between himself and the truth. His last waking thoughts melted into a dream that he was with Hetty again at the Hall Farm, and that he was asking her to forgive him for being so cold and silent. And while he was dreaming this, Arthur was leading Hetty to the dance, and saying to her in low hurried tones, I shall be in the wood the day after tomorrow at seven. Come as early as you can. And Hetty's foolish joys and hopes which had flown away for a little space, scared by a mere nothing, now all came fluttering back unconscious of the real peril. She was happy for the first time this long day, and wished that dance would last for hours. Arthur wished it too. It was the last weakness he meant to indulge in, and a man never lies with more delicious languor under the influence of a passion than when he has persuaded himself that he shall subdue it tomorrow. But Mrs. Poiser's wishes were quite the reverse of this, for her mind was filled with dreary forebodings as to the retardation of tomorrow morning's cheese in consequence of these late hours. Now that Hetty had done her duty and danced one dance with the young squire, Mrs. Poiser must go out and see if the cart was come back to fetch them, for it was half past ten o'clock, and notwithstanding a mild suggestion on his part that it would be bad manners for them to be the first to go, Mrs. Poiser was resolute on the point, manners or no manners. What's going already, Mrs. Poiser? said old Mr. Donathon, as she came to curtsy and take leave. I thought we should not part with any of our guests till eleven. Mrs. Irwin and I, who are elderly people, think of sitting out the dance till then. Oh, your honour, it's all right and proper for gentle folks to stay up by candlelight. They've got no cheese on their minds. We're late enough as it is, and there's no letting the cows know as they mustn't want to be milked so early tomorrow morning. So if you'll please excuse us, we'll take our leave. Eh, she said to her husband, as they set off in the cart, I'd sooner have brewing the day and washing today together than one of these pleasuring days. There's no work so tyrant as dangling about and staring and not rightly knowing what you're going to do next, and keeping your face in smiling order like a grocer on market day for fear people should have think you're civil enough, and you've nothing to show for it when it's done, if it isn't a yellow face with eaten things as disagree. Nay, nay, said Mr. Poiser, who was in his merriest mood, and felt that he had had a great day, a bit of pleasurance good for these some times, and they danced as well as any of them, for I'll back thee against all the wires in the parish for a light foot and ankle, and it was a great honour for the young squire to ask thee first. I reckon it was because I sat at the head of the table and made the speech, and heady, too, she never had such a partner before, a fine young gentleman in regimentals. It'll serve you to talk on, heady, when you're an old woman, how you danced with the young squire the day he come a age. End of Chapter 26 of Book 3, The Dance, Adam Bede, by George Elliott, Recording by Father Xyley, of Detroit, Michigan, DrXyley.net, D-R-Z-E-I-L-E, dot net. Chapter 27 of Adam Bede, this is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain, for more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Adam Bede, by George Elliott. Chapter 27, The Crisis. It was beyond the middle of August, nearly three weeks after the birthday feast. The reaping of the wheat had begun in our North Midland County of Loamshire, but the harvest was likely still to be retarded by the heavy rains, which were causing inundations and much damage throughout the country. From this last trouble, the Broxton and Hayslope farmers, on their pleasant uplands and in their brook-watered valleys, had not suffered, and as I cannot pretend that they were such exceptional farmers as to love the general good better than their own, you will infer that they were not in very low spirits about the rapid rise and the price of bread, so long as there was hope of gathering in their own corn undamaged, and occasional days of sunshine and drying winds flattered this hope. The 18th of August was one of these days when the sunshine looked brighter in all eyes for the gloom that went before. Grand masses of clad were hurried across the bloom, and the great round hills behind the chase seemed alive with their flying shadows. The sun was hidden for a moment, and then shone out warm again like a recovered joy. The leaves, still green, were tossed off the hedgerow trees by the wind. Around the farmhouses, there was a sound of clapping doors. The apples fell in the orchards, and the stray horses on the green sides of the lanes and on the common had their mains blown about their faces. And yet the wind seemed only part of the general gladness because the sun was shining. A merry day for the children who ran and shouted to see if they could talk the wind with their voices, and the grown-up people too wearing good spirits, inclined to believe in yet finer days when the wind had fallen. If only the corn were not ripe enough to be blown out of the husk and scattered as untimely seed. And yet a day on which a blighting sorrel may fall upon a man. For if it be true that nature at certain moments seems charged with a presentiment of one individual lot, must it not also be true that she seems unmindful and conscious of another? For there is no hour that is not its births of gladness and despair, no morning brightness that does not bring new sickness to desolation, as well as new forces to genius and love. There are so many of us, and our lots are so different. What wonder that nature's mood is often in harsh contrast with the great crisis of our lives? We are children of a large family, and must learn as such children do not to expect that our hurts will be made much of, to be content with little nurture and caressing, and help each other the more. It was a busy day with Adam, who of late had done almost double work, for he was continuing to act as foreman for Jonathan Burge, until some satisfactory person could be found to supply his peace, and Jonathan was slow to find that person, but he had done the extra work cheerfully, for his hopes were buoyant again about heady. Every time she had seen him since the birthday, she had seemed to make an effort to behave all the more kindly to him, that she might make him understand she had forgiven his silence and coldest during the dance. He had never mentioned the locket to her again, too happy that she smiled at him, still happier because he observed in her a more subdued air, something that he interpreted as the growth of womanly tenderness and seriousness. Ah, he thought, again and again, she's only 17. She'll be thoughtful enough after a while, and her aunt Ollie says how clever she is at the work. She'll make a wife his mother will have no occasion to grumble that after all. To be sure, he had only seen her at home twice since the birthday, for one Sunday, when he was intending to go from church to the hall farm, had he had joined the party of upper servants from the chase and had gone home with them, almost as if she were inclined to encourage Mr. Craig. She's taken too much like it to the folks in the housekeeper's room, Mrs. Poiser remarked. For my part, I was never overfound a gentle folks' servants. They're mostly like the fine lady's fat dogs, neither good for barking or butchers me, but only for show. And another evening, she was gone to Treadelston to buy some things, though to his great surprise, as he was returning home, he saw her at a distance getting over a style quite out of the Treadelston road. But when he hastened to her, she was very kind and asked him to go in again when he had taken her to the yard gate. She had gone a little farther into the fields after coming from Treadelston because she didn't want to go in, she said. It was so nice to be out of doors, and her aunt always made such a fuss about it if she wanted to go out. Oh, do come in with me, she said, as he was going to shake hands with her at the gate, and he could not resist that. So he went in, and Mrs. Poiser was contented with only a slight remark on Heddy's being later than was expected, while Heddy, who had looked out of spirits when he met her, smiled and topped and waited on the mall with unusual promptitude. That was the last time he had seen her, but he meant to make pleasure for going to the farm tomorrow. Today, he knew was her day for going to the chase to sow what the ladies made, so he would get as much work done as possible this evening that the next might be clear. One piece of work that Adam was superintending was some slight repairs at the chase farm, which had been hitherto occupied by Satchel as Bailiff, but which it was now rumored that the old squire was going to let to a smart man in top boots, who had been seen to ride over it one day. Nothing but the desire to get a tenant could account for the squire's undertaking repairs, though the Saturday evening party at Mr. Cassons agreed over their pipes that no man in his senses would take the chase farm unless there was a bit more plow in late to it. However that might be, the repairs were ordered to be executed with all dispatch, and Adam, acting for Mr. Purge, was carrying out the order with his usual energy. But today, having been occupied elsewhere, he had not been able to arrive at the chase farm till late in the afternoon, and he then discovered that some old roofing, which he had calculated on preserving, had given way. There was clearly no good to be done with this part of the building without pulling it all down, and Adam immediately saw in his mind a plan for building it up again, so as to make the most convenient of cow sheds and calf pens with a hover for implements, and all without any great expense for materials. So when the workmen were gone, he sat down, took out his pocketbook, and busied himself with sketching a plan, and making a specification of the expenses that he might show it to Purge the next morning, and set him on persuading the squire to consent. To make a good job of anything, however small, was always a pleasure to Adam, and he sat on a block with his book resting on a planning table, whistling low every now and then, and turning his head on one side with a just perceptible smile of gratification. Of pride too, for if Adam loved a bit of good work, he loved also to think, I did it, and I believe the only people who are free from that weakness are those who have no work to call their own. It was nearly seven before he had finished and put on his jacket again, and on giving a last look around, he observed that Seth, who had been working here today, had left his basket of tools behind him. Why, the lads forgot his tools, thought Adam, and he's got to work up at the shop tomorrow. There never was such a chap for world gathering. He'd leave his head behind him if it was loose. However, it's lucky I've seen him. I'll carry him home. The buildings of the chase farm lay out one extremity of the chase, at about 10 minutes walking distance from the abbey. Adam had come thither on his pony, intending to ride to the stables and put up his nag on his way home. At the stables he encountered Mr. Craig, who had come to look at the captain's new horse, on which he was to ride away the day after tomorrow. And Mr. Craig detained him to tell how all the servants were to collect at the gate of the courtyard to wish the young squire luck as he rode out, so that by the time Adam had got into the chase and was striding along with the basket of tools over his shoulder, the sun was on the point of setting and was sending level crimson rays among the great trunks of the old oaks and touching every bare patch of ground with the transient glory that made it look like a jewel dropped upon the grass. The wind had fallen now and there was only enough breeze to stir the delicate stem leaves. Anyone who had been sitting in the house all day would have been glad to walk now, but Adam had been quite enough in the open air to wish to shorten his way home. And he bethought himself that he might do so by striking across the chase and going through the grove where he had never been for years. He hurried on across the chase, stalking along the narrow paths between the fern with chip at his heels, not lingering to watch the magnificent changes of the light, hardly once thinking it, yet feeling its presence in a certain calm, happy awe, which mingled itself with his busy working day thoughts. How could he help feeling it? The very deer felt it and were more timid. Presently, Adam's thoughts recurred to what Mr. Craig had said about Arthur Darnathon and pictured his going away and the changes that might take place before he came back. Then they traveled back affectionately over the old scenes of boyish companionship and dwelt on Arthur's good qualities, which Adam had a pride in, as we all have in the virtues of the superior who honors us. A nature like Adam's, with a great need of love and reverence in it, depends for so much of its happiness on what it can believe and feel about others. And he had no ideal world of dead heroes. He knew little of the life of men in the past. He must find the beings to whom he could cling with loving admiration among those who came within speech of him. These pleasant thoughts about Arthur brought a milder expression than usual into his keen, rough face. Perhaps they were the reason why when he opened the old green gate leading into the grove, he paused to pat Chip and say a kind word to him. After that pause, he strode on again along the broad winding path through the grove. What grand beaches? Adam delighted in a fine tree of all things. As the fishermen sighed his keenest on the sea, so Adam's perceptions were more at home with trees than with other objects. He kept them in his memory as a painter does with all the flecks and knots in their bark, all the curbs and angles of their boughs, and had often calculated the height and contents of a trunk to a nicety as he stood looking at it. No wonder that notwithstanding his desire to get on, he could not help pausing to look at a curious large beach which he had seen standing before him at a turning in the road and convince himself that it was not two trees but it together, but only one. For the rest of his life, he remembered that moment when he was calmly examining the beach as a man remembers his last glimpse of the home where his youth was passed before the road turned and he saw it no more. The beach stood at the last turning before the grove ended in an archway of boughs that led in the eastern length and as Adam stepped away from the tree to continue his walk, his eyes fell on two figures about 20 yards before him. He remained as motionless as a statue and turned almost as pale. The two figures were standing opposite each other with clasped hands about to part and while they were bending to kiss, Jib, who had been running among the brushwood, came out, caught sight of them and gave a sharp bark. They separated with a start, one hurried through the gate out of the grove and the other turning round, walked slowly with a sort of saunter towards Adam who still stood transfixed and pale clutching tighter the stick with which he held the basket of tools over his shoulder and looking at the approaching figure with eyes in which amazement was fast turning to fierceness. Arthur Donothorn looked flushed and excited. He had tried to make unpleasant feelings more bearable by drinking a little more wine than usual at dinner today and was still enough under its flattering influence to think more lightly of this unwished foreign contour with Adam than he would otherwise have done. After all, Adam was the best person who could have happened to see him and heady together. He was a sensible fellow and would not babble about it to other people. Arthur felt confident that he could laugh the thing off and explain it away and so he sauntered forward with elaborate carelessness. His fleshed face, his evening dress of fine cloth and fine linen, his hands have thrust into his waistcoat pockets all shown upon by the strange evening light which the light clouds had caught up even to the zenith and were now shedding down between the top post branches above him. Adam was still motionless looking at him as he came up. He understood it all now, the locket and everything else that had been doubtful to him. A terrible scorching light showed him the hidden letters that changed the meaning of the past. If he had moved a muscle, he must inevitably have sprung upon Arthur like a tiger and in the conflicting motion that filled those long moments, he had told himself that he would not give loose to passion. He would only speak the right thing. He stood as if petrified by an unseen force but the force was his own strong will. Well, Adam, said Arthur. You've been looking at the fine old beaches, eh? They're not to become near by the hatchet, though. This is a sacred grove. I overtook pretty little heady soil as I was coming to my den, the hermitage there. She ought not to come home this way so late so I took care of her to the gate and asked for a kiss from my pains. But I must get back now for this road is confoundedly damp. Good night, Adam. I shall see you tomorrow to say goodbye, you know. Arthur was too much preoccupied with the part he was playing himself to be thoroughly aware of the expression in Adam's face. He did not look directly at Adam, the glance carelessly round at the trees and then lifted up on foot to look at the soul of his boot. He cared to say no more. He had thrown quite dust enough into honest Adam's eyes and as he spoke the last words he walked on. Stop a bit, sir, said Adam in a hard, prerentory voice without turning around. I've got a word to say to you. Arthur paused in surprise. Susceptible persons are more affected by a change of tone than by unexpected words and Arthur had the susceptibility of a nature at once affectionate and vain. He was still more surprised when he saw that Adam had not moved but stood with his back to him as if summoning him to return. What did he mean? He was going to make a serious business of this affair. Arthur felt his temper rising. A patronizing disposition always has its meaner side and in the confusion of his irritation and alarm there entered the feeling that a man to whom he had shown so much favor as to Adam was not in a position to criticize his conduct and yet he was dominated as one who feels himself in the wrong what always is by the man whose good opinion he cares for. In spite of pride and temper there was as much deprecation as anger in his voice when he said, what do you mean, Adam? I mean, sir, answered Adam in the same harsh voice still without turning around.  This is not the first time you've met his oral in this grove and this is not the first time you've kissed her. Arthur felt his startled uncertainty how far Adam was speaking from knowledge and how far from mere inference and this uncertainty which prevented him from contriving a prudent answer heightened his irritation. He said in a harsh, sharp tone. Well, sir, what then?  You know as well as I do what it's to lead to when a gentleman like you kisses and makes love to a young woman like Heady and gives her presence as she's frightened for other folks to see. And I say it again, you're acting the part of a selfish, light-minded scoundrel that would cuts me to the heart to say so and I'd rather have lost my right hand. Let me tell you, Adam, said Arthur, bridling his growing anger and trying to recur to his careless tone.  Every pretty girl is not such a fool as you to suppose that when a gentleman admires her beauty and pays her a little attention, he must mean something particular. Every man likes to flirt with a pretty girl and every pretty girl likes to be flirted with. The wider the distance between them, the less harm there is for then she's not likely to deceive herself. I don't know what you mean by flirting, said Adam, but if you mean behaving to a woman as if you've loved her and yet not loving her all the while, I say that's not the action of an honest man and what isn't honest does come to harm.  You know it couldn't be made public as you've behaved ahead as you've done without her losing her character and bringing shame and trouble on her and her relations. What if you meant nothing by your kissing in your presence? Other folks won't believe as you've meant nothing and don't tell me about her not deceiving herself. I tell you as you filled her mind so with thought of you and that Omeha poisoned her life and she'd never love another man as it make her a good husband. Arthur had felt a sudden relief while Adam was speaking. He perceived that Adam had no positive knowledge of the past and that there was no irrevocable damage done by this evening's unfortunate encounter. Adam could still be deceived. The candid Arthur had brought himself into a position in which successful lying was his only hope. The hope of late is anger a little. Well, Adam, he said in a tone of friendly concession. You were perhaps right. Perhaps I've gone a little too far in taking notice of the pretty little thing and stealing a kiss now and then.  You don't understand the temptation to such trifling. I'm sure I wouldn't bring any trouble or annoyance on her and the good poisers on any account if I could help it. But I think you look a little too seriously at it. You know I'm going away immediately so I shouldn't make any more mistakes of the kind. Let us say good night. Arthur here turned around to walk on and talked no more about the matter. The whole thing will soon be forgotten. No, by God. Adam burst out with rage that could be controlled no longer throwing down the basket of tools and striding forward till he was right in front of Arthur. All his jealousy and sense of personal injury which he had been hitherto trying to keep under had leaped up and mastered him. What man of us in the first moments of a sharp agony could ever feel that the fellow man who has been the medium of inflicting it did not mean to hurt us. In our instinctive rebellion against pain, we are children again and demand an active will to wreak our vengeance on. Adam at this moment could only feel that he had been robbed of heady, robbed treacherously by the man in whom he had trusted and he stood close in front of Arthur with fear size glaring at him with pale lips and clenched hands. The hard tones in which he had hitherto been constraining himself to express no more than a just indignation, giving way to a deep agitated voice that seemed to shake him as he spoke. No, it will not be soon for God as you've come in between her and me when she might have loved me. It will not soon be for God as you've robbed me of my happiness while I thought you was my best friend and a noble-minded man as I was proud to work for.   I throw back your favors for you're not the man I took you for. I'll never count you my friend anymore. I'd rather you'd act as my enemy and fight me where I stand. It's all the amends you can make me. Poor Adam, possessed by rage that could find no other vent, began to throw off his coat and his cap too blind with passion to notice the change that had taken place in Arthur while he was speaking. Arthur's lips were now as pale as Adam's. His heart was beating violently. The discovery that Adam loved Hedy was a shock which made him for the moment see himself in the light of Adam's indignation and regard Adam's suffering as not merely a consequence but an element of his error. The words of hatred and contempt the first he had ever heard in his life seemed like scorching missiles that were making ineffacable scars on him. All screening self-excuses which rarely falls quite away while others respect us first took him for an instant and he stood face to face with the first great irrevocable evil he had ever committed. He was only 21 and three months ago and a much later he had thought proudly that no man should ever be able to reproach him justly. His first impulse if there had been time for it would perhaps have been to utter words of propitiation but Adam had no sooner thrown off his coat and cap then he became aware that Arthur was standing pale and motionless with his hand still thrust in his waistcoat pockets. What? He said. Won't you fight me like a man?  Go away, Adam, said Arthur. I don't want to fight you. No, said Adam bitterly. You don't want to fight me? You think I'm a common man as you can injure without answering for it. I never meant to injure you, said Arthur, with returning anger. I didn't know you loved her. But you've made her love you, said Adam. You're a double-faced man. I'll never believe a word you say again. Go away, I tell you, said Arthur angrily or we shall both repent. No, said Adam with a convulsed voice. I swear I won't go away without fighting you. Do you want provoking anymore?  The color had all rushed back to Arthur's face. In a moment his right hand was clenched and dealt a blow like lightning which sent Adam staggering backward. His blood was as thoroughly up as Adam's now and the two men, forgetting the emotions that had gone before, fought with the instinctive fierceness of panthers in the deepening twilight darkened by the trees. The delicate-handed gentleman was a match for the workmen in everything but strength and Arthur's skill enabled him to protract the struggle for some long moments. But between unarmed men, the battle is to the strong where the strong is no blender and Arthur must sink under a well-planted blow of Adam's as a steel rod is broken by an iron bar. The blow soon came and Arthur fell. His headline concealed in a tough turn so that Adam could only discern his darkly clad body. He stood still in the dim light waiting for Arthur to rise. The blow had been given now towards which he had been straining all the force of a nerve and muscle. And what was the good of it? What had he done by fighting? Only satisfied his own passion, only wrecked his own vengeance. He had not rescued Hedy nor changed the past. There it was, just as it had been and he sickened at the vanity of his own rage. But why did not Arthur rise? It was perfectly motionless and the time seemed long to Adam. Good God, had the blow been too much for him? Adam shuddered at the thought of his own string as with the oncoming of this dread he knelt down by Arthur's side and lifted his head from among the firm. There was no sign of life. The eyes and teeth were set. The horror that rushed over Adam completely mastered him and forced upon him its own belief. He could feel nothing but that death was in Arthur's face and that he was helpless before it. He made not a single movement but not like an image of despair gazing at an image of death. End of chapter 17. Chapter 28 of Adam Bede. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Adam Bede by George Eliot. Chapter 28, A Dilemma. It was only a few minutes measured by the clock though Adam always thought it had been a long while before he perceived a gleam of consciousness in Arthur's face and a slight shiver through his frame. The intense joy that flooded his soul brought back some of the old affection with it. Do you feel any pain, sir? He said tenderly, loosening Arthur's cravat. Arthur turned his eyes on Adam with a vague stare which gave way to a slightly startled motion as if from the shock of returning memory but he only shivered again and said nothing. Do you feel any hurt, sir? Adam said again with a trembling in his voice. Arthur put his hand up to his waistcoat buttons and when Adam had him buttoned it, he took a longer breath.  Adam laid the head down gently on the fern again and emptying the tools out of the flag basket hurried through the trees to the edge of the grove bordering on the chase where a brook ran below the bank. When he returned with his basket leaking but still half full, Arthur looked at him with a more thoroughly reawakened consciousness. Can you drink a drop out of your hand, sir? Said Adam, kneeling down again to lift up Arthur's head. No, said Arthur. Tipped my cravat in and sowed it on my head. The water seemed to do him some good for he presently raised himself a little higher resting on Adam's arm. Do you feel any hurt inside, sir? Adam asked again.  After a while he said, I suppose I fainted away when you knocked me down. Yes, sir, thank God, said Adam. I thought it was worse. What? You thought you'd done me for, eh? Come help me on my legs. I feel terribly shaky and dizzy, Arthur said as he stood leaning on Adam's arm.  I don't believe I can walk alone. Lean on me, sir. I'll get you along, said Adam.  You'll perhaps be better in a minute or two. No, said Arthur. I'll go to the Hermitage. I think I've got some brandy there. There's a short road to it a little farther on near the gate if you'll just help me on. They walked slowly with frequent pauses but without speaking again. In both of them the concentration in the present which had attended the first moments of Arthur's revival had now given way to a vivid recollection of the previous scene. It was nearly dark in the narrow path among the trees but within the circle of fur trees around the Hermitage there was room for the glowing moonlight to enter in at the windows. Their steps were noiseless on the thick carpet of fur needles and the outward stoneness seemed to heighten their inward consciousness as Arthur took the key out of his pocket and placed it in Adam's hand for him to open the door. Adam had not known before that Arthur had furnished the old Hermitage and made it a retreat for himself and it was a surprise to him when he opened the door to see a snug room with all the signs of frequent habitation. Arthur loosed Adam's arm and threw himself on the ottoman. You'll see my hunting bottle somewhere, he said. A leather case with a bottle and glass in. Adam was not long in finding the case. There's a very little brandy in it, sir, he said, turning it downwards over the glass as he held it before the window.  Well, give me that, said Arthur with a p-vision as a physical depression. When he had taken some sips, Adam said, hadn't I better run to the house, sir, and get some more brandy? I can be there in back pretty soon. It'll be a stiff walk home for you if you don't have something to revive you. Yes, go, but don't say I'm ill. Ask for my man Pym and tell him to get it from Mills and not to say I'm at the Hermitage.  Adam was relieved to have an active task. Both of them were relieved to be apart from each other for a short time but Adam's swift pace could not still the eager pain of thinking, of living again with concentrated suffering through the last wretched hour and looking out from it over all the new sad future. Arthur lay still for some minutes after Adam was gone but presently he rose feebly from the auto man and peered about slowly in the broken moonlight seeking something. It was a short bit of wax candle that stood amongst a confusion of writing and drawing materials. There was more searching for the means of lighting the candle and when that was done he went cautiously around the room as if wishing to assure himself of the presence of absence of something. At last he had found a slight thing which he put first in his pocket and then on a second thought took out again and thrust deep down into a waste paper basket. It was a woman's little pink silk neckerchief. He set the candle on the table and threw himself down on the auto man again exhausted with effort. When Adam came back with his supplies his entrance awoke Arthur from a dose. That's right Arthur said. I'm tremendously in want of some brandy figure. I'm glad to see you've got a light sir said Adam. I've been thinking I'd better have asked for a lantern. No, no the candle will last long enough. I shall soon be up to walking home now. I can't go before I've seen you safe home sir said Adam hesitatingly. No it will be better for you to stay sit down. Adam sat down and they remained opposite to each other in uneasy silence while Arthur slowly drank brandy and water with visibly renovating effect. He began to lie in a more voluntary position and looked as if he were less overpowered by bodily sensations. Adam was keenly alive to these indications and as his anxiety about Arthur's condition began to be elade he felt more of that impatience which everyone knows who has had his just indignation suspended by the physical state of the culprit. Yet there was one thing on his mind to be done before he could occur to remonstrance. It was to confess what had been unjust in his own words. Perhaps he longed all the more to make this confession that his indignation might be free again and as he saw the signs of returning ease in Arthur the words again and again came to his lips and went back checked by the thought that it would be better to leave everything till tomorrow. As long as they were silent they did not look at each other and a foreboding came across Adam that if they began to speak as though they remembered the past if they looked at each other with full recognition they must take fire again. So they sat in silence till a bit of wax candle flickered low in the socket the silence all the while becoming more irksome to Adam. Arthur had just poured out some more brandy and water and he threw one arm behind his head and drew up one leg in an attitude of recover ease which was an irresistible temptation to Adam to speak what was on his mind. You begin to feel more yourself again sir. He said as the candle went out and they were half hidden from each other in the faint moonlight. Yes, I don't feel good for much very lazy and not inclined to move but I'll go home when I've taken this dose. It was a slight pause before Adam said my temper got the better of me and I said things as wasn't true. I'd no right to speak as if you'd known he was doing me an injury. You'd no grounds for knowing it. I've always kept what I felt for her secret as I could. He paused again before he went on. And perhaps I judged you too harsh and apt to be harsh and you may have acted out a thoughtlessness more than I should have believed it was possible for a man with a heart and a conscience. We're not all put together alike and we may misjudge one another. God knows it's all the joy I could have now to think the best of you. Arthur wanted to go home without saying anymore. He was too painfully embarrassed in mind as well as too weak in body to wish for any further explanation tonight. And yet it was a relief to him that Adam reopened the subject in a way the least difficult for him to answer. Arthur was in the wretched position of an open generous man who has committed an error which makes deception seem a necessity. The native impulse to give truth and return for truth to meet trust with frank confession must be suppressed and duty was becoming a question of tactics. His deed was reacting upon him was already governing him tyrannously and forcing him into a course that jarred with his habitual feelings. The only aim that seemed admissible to him now was to deceive Adam to the utmost to make Adam think better of him than he deserved. And when he heard the words of honest retraction when he heard the sad appeal with which Adam had ended he was obliged to rejoice in the remains of ignorant confidence and implied. He did not answer immediately for he had to be judicious and not truthful. Say no more about our anger, Adam. He said at last very languidly for the labor of speech was unwelcome to him. I forgive your momentary injustice. It was quite natural with the exaggerated notions you had in your mind. We shall be none the worst friends in future I hope because we fought. You had the best of it and that was as it should be for I believe I've been most in the wrong of the two. Come, let us shake hands. Arthur held out his hand but Adam sat still. I don't like to say no to that, sir, he said. But I can't shake hands till it's clear what we mean by it. I was wrong when I spoke as if you'd done me an injury knowingly but I wasn't wrong in what I said before about your behavior to Eddie. And I can't shake hands with you as if I held you my friend the same as ever till you've cleared that up better. Arthur swallowed his pride and resentment as he drew back his hand. He was silent for some moments and then said as indifferently as he could. I don't know what you mean by clearing up, Adam. I've told you already that you think too seriously of a little flirtation but if you are right in supposing there is any danger in it I'm going away on Saturday and there will be an end of it. As for the pain it has given you I'm heartedly sorry for it, I can say no more. Adam said nothing but rose from his chair and stood with his face towards one of the windows as if looking at the blackness of the moon lit fir trees but he was in reality conscious of nothing but the conflict within him. It was of no use now, his resolution not to speak till tomorrow. He must speak there and then but it was several minutes before he turned round and stepped nearer to Arthur standing and looking down on him as he lay. It'll be better for me to speak plain, he said with evident effort, though it's hard work. You see, sir, this isn't a trifle to me, whatever it may be to you. I'm none of the menest can go making love first one woman and then to another and don't think it much odds, whichever might take. What I feel for headies, a different sort of love such as I believe nobody can know much about but them as feel it and goddess has given it to him. She's more nor everything else to me, all but my conscience and my good name. And if it's true what you've been saying all along and if it's only been trifling and flirting as you call it as I'll be put an end to by your going away. Why then I'd wait and hope her heart it turned to me after all. I'm loathe to think you'd speak false to me and I'll believe your word however things may look. You would be wronging headie more than me not to believe it, said Arthur almost violently starting up from the autumn and then moving away but he threw himself into a chair again directly saying more feebly. You seem to forget that in suspecting me you are casting imputations upon her. An acer, Adam said in a calmer voice as if he were half relieved for he was too straightforward to make a distinction between a direct falsehood and an indirect one. Nay, sir, things don't lie level between headie and you. You're acting with your eyes open whatever you may do but how do you know what's been in her mind? She's all but a child as any man with a conscience in him ought to feel bound to take care on and whatever you may think I know you've disturbed her mind. I know she's been fixing her heart on you for there's many things clear to me now as I didn't understand before but you seem to make light of what she may feel. You don't think of that. Good God, Adam, let me alone. Mother burst out impetuously. I feel it enough without you worrying me. He was aware of his indiscretion as soon as the words had escaped him. Well then, if you feel it, Adam rejoined eagerly, if you feel as you may have put false notions into her mind and made her believe as you loved her when all the while you meant nothing. I have this demand to make of you. I'm not speaking for myself but for her. I ask you to un-deceive her before you go away. You aren't going away forever.  It may be a smart to her now but it'll save her pain at the end. I ask you to write a letter. You may trust my seeing as she gets it. Tell her the truth and take blame to yourself for behaving as you know right to do to a young woman who isn't your equal. I speak plain, sir, but I can't speak any other way. There's nobody can take care of Hedy in this thing but me. I can do what I think needful in the matter, said Arthur, more and more irritated by Mingo's distress and perplexity without giving promises to you. I shall take what measures I think proper. No, said Adam in an abrupt decided tone. That won't do. I must know what ground I'm treading on. I must be safe as you've put an end to what ought never to have been begun. I don't forget what's owing to you as a gentleman but in this thing we're man and man and I can't give up. There was no answer for some moments. Then Arthur said, I'll see you tomorrow. I can bear no more now, I'm ill. He rose as he spoke and reached his cap as if intending to go. You won't see her again, Adam exclaimed with a flash of recurring anger and suspicion moving towards the door and placing his back against it.   It seemed long to both of them that inward struggle of Arthur's before he said feebly, I promise, let me go. Adam moved away from the door and opened it but when Arthur reached the step he stopped again and leaned against the door post. You're not well enough to walk alone, sir, said Adam. Take my arm again. Arthur made no answer and presently walked on, Adam following. But after a few steps, he stood still again and said coldly, I believe I must trouble you. It's getting late now and there may be an alarm set up about me at home. Adam gave his arm and they walked on without uttering a word till they came where the basket and the tools lay. I must pick up the tools, sir, Adam said. They're my brothers, I doubt they'll be rusted if you're pleased to wait a minute. Arthur stood still without speaking and no other word passed between them till they were at the side entrance where he hoped to get in without being seen by anyone. He said then, thank you and you didn't trouble you any further. What time will it be convenient for me to see you tomorrow, sir, said Adam. You may send me word that you're here at five o'clock, said Arthur, not before. Good night, sir, said Adam. But he heard no reply. Arthur had turned into the house. End of Chapter 28 Chapter 29 of Adam Bede This is the LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Adam Bede by George Elliott Chapter 29 The Next Morning Arthur did not pass a sleepless night. He slept long and well, for sleep comes to the perplexed if the perplexed are only weary enough. But at seven he rang his bell an astonished pimp by declaring he was going to get up and must have breakfast bought to him at eight. And see that my mare has settled at half past eight until my grandfather went his down that I'm better this morning and I'm gone for a ride. He had been awake an hour and could rest in bed no longer. In bed our yesterdays are too oppressive. If a man can only get up, though it be but to whistle or to smoke, he has a present which offers some resistance to the past. Sensations which assert themselves against tyrannous memories. And if there were such a thing as taking averages of feeling, it would certainly be found that in the hunting and shooting seasons regret, self-reproach and mortified pride weigh lighter on country gentlemen than in late spring and summer. Arthur felt he should be more of a man on horseback. Even the presence of pimp waiting on him with the usual deference was a reassurance to him after the scenes of yesterday. For with Arthur's sensitiveness to opinion, the loss of Adam's respect was a shock to his self-contentment which suffused his imagination with the sense he had sunk in all eyes. As a sudden shock of fear from some real peril makes a nervous woman afraid even to step because all her perceptions are suffused with a sense of danger. Arthur's, as you know, was a loving nature. Deeds of kindness were as easy to him as a bad habit. They were the common issue of his good qualities of his egoism and his sympathy. He didn't like to witness pain and he liked to have grateful eyes beaming on him as the giver of pleasure. When he was a lad of seven he one day kicked down an old gardener's picture of broth from no motive but a kicking impulse not reflecting that it was the old man's dinner. But on learning that sad fact he took his favourite pencil case and a silver-halfed knife and a pocket and offered them as compensation. He had been the same Arthur ever since trying to make all offences forgotten in benefits. If there were any bitterness in his nature he could only show itself against the man who refused to be conciliated by him and perhaps the time was come for some of that bitterness to rise. At the first moment Arthur had felt pure distress and self-reproach at discovering what was involved in his relation to Heady. If there had been a possibility of making Adam tenfold amends if deeds of gift or other deeds could have restored Adam's contentment and regard for him as a benefactor Arthur would not only have executed them without hesitation but would have felt bound all the more closely to Adam and would never have been weary of making retribution. But Adam could receive no amends his suffering could not be cancelled his respect and affection could not be recovered by any prompt deeds of atonement. He stood like an immovable obstacle against which no pressure could avail an embodiment of what Arthur most shrank from believing in the irrevocableness of his own wrongdoing. The words of Skorne the refusal to shake hands the mastery asserted over him in their last conversation in the Hermitage above all a sense of having been knocked down which a man does not very well reconcile himself even under the most heroic circumstances pressed on him with a galling pain which was stronger than compunction. Arthur would so gladly have persuaded himself that he had done no harm and if no one had told him to the contrary he could have persuaded himself so much better. Nemesis concealed and forged a sword for herself out of our consciences out of the suffering we feel in the suffering we may have caused there is really metal enough there to make an effective weapon our moral sense learns the manners of good society and smiles when others smile but when some rude person gives rough names to our actions she is apt to take part against us and so it was with Arthur Adam's judgement of him Adam's grating words disturbed his self soothing arguments not that Arthur had been at ease before Adam's discovery struggles and results had transferred themselves into compunction and anxiety he was distressed for Hettie's sake and distressed for his own that he must leave her behind he had always both in making and breaking resolutions looked beyond his passion and seen that must speedily end in separation but his nature was too ardent and tender for him not to suffer of this parting and on Hettie's account he had found out the dream in which she was living that she was to be a lady in silks and satins and when he had first talked to her about his going away she had asked him tremblingly to let her go with him and be married it was his painful knowledge of this which had given the most exasperating sting to Adam's reproaches he had said no word with the purpose of deceiving her her vision was all spun but he was obliged to confess to himself that it was spun half out of his own actions and to increase the mischief on this last evening he had not dared to hint the truth to Hettie he had been obliged to soothe her with tender hopeful words lest he should throw her into violent distress he felt the situation acutely felt the sorrow of the dear thing in the present and thought with a darker anxiety of the tenacity which her feelings would bring to the future there was one sharp point which pressed against him every other he could evade by hopeful self persuasion the whole thing had been secret the poisons had not the shadow of a suspicion no one except Adam knew anything of what had passed no one else was likely to know for Adam had impressed on Hettie that it would be fatal to betray by word or look and Adam who knew half this secret would rather help them keep it than betray it it was an unfortunate business altogether but there was no use in making it worse than it was by imaginary exaggerations and forebodings of evil that might never come the temporary sadness for Hettie was the worst consequence he resolutely turned away his eyes from any bad consequence that was not demonstratively inevitable but Hettie might have had the trouble in some other way if not in this and perhaps hereafter he might be able to do a great deal for her and make up for all the tears she would shed about him she would owe the advantage of his care for her in future years to the sorrow she had incurred now so good comes out of evil such is the beautiful arrangement of things are you inclined to ask whether this can be the same Arthur who two months ago had that freshness of feeling that delicate honour which shrinks from wounding even a sentiment and does not contemplate any more positive offences as possible for it who thought his own self-respect was a higher tribunal than any external opinion the same I assure you only under different conditions our deeds determinists as much as we determine our deeds and until we know what has been or will be the peculiar combination of outward with inward facts which constitutes a man's critical actions it will be better not to think our self-wise about his character there is a terrible coercion in our deeds which may first turn the honest man into a deceiver and then reconcile him to the change for this reason that the second wrong presents itself to him in the guise of the only practicable right the action which before commission had been seen with that blended common sense and fresh untarnished feeling which is the healthy eye of the soul is looked at afterwards with the lens of apologetic ingenuity for which all things that been called beautiful and ugly are seen to be made up of textures very much alike Europe adjusts itself to the fate of comply and so does an individual character till the placid adjustment is disturbed by a convulsive retribution no man can escape this fighting effect of an offence against his own sentiment of right and the effect was the stronger in Arthur because of that very need of self-respect which while his conscience was still at ease was one of his best safeguards self-accusation was too painful to him he could not face it he must persuade himself that he had not been very much to blame himself for the necessity he was under of deceiving Adam he was of course so opposed to the honesty of his own nature but then it was the only right thing to do well whatever had been amiss in him he was miserable enough in consequence miserable about Hetty miserable about this letter he had promised to write and it seemed at one moment to be a gross barbarity at the other perhaps the greatest kindness and across all this reflection would dart every now and then a sudden impulse of passionate defiance towards all consequences he would carry Hetty away at all other considerations might go to in this state of mind the four walls of his room made an intolerable prison to him they seemed to hem in and press down upon him all the crowd of contradictory thoughts and conflicting feelings which would fly away in the open air he had only an hour or two to make up his mind him and he must get clear and calm once on Ming's back in the fresh air of that fine morning he would be more master of the situation the pretty creature arched her bay neck in the sunshine and poured the gravel and trembled with pleasure when her master stroked her nose and pat at her and talked to her even in a more caressing tone than usual he loved her the better because she knew nothing of his secrets but Meg was quite as well acquainted with her master's mental state as many others of her sex with mental condition of that nice young gentleman towards whom their hearts are in a state of fluttering expectation Arthur cantered for five miles beyond the chase till he was at the foot of a hill where there were no hedges or trees to hem in the road and the bridal on Meg's neck and prepared to make up his mind Hetty knew that their meeting yesterday must be the last before Arthur went away there was no possibility of their contriving another without exciting suspicion and she was like a frightened child unable to think of anything only able to cry at the mention of parting and then put her face up to have the tears kissed away he could do nothing but comfort her and lull her into dreaming on a letter would be a dreadfully abrupt way of awakening her yet there was truth in what Adam said that would save her from a lengthened delusion which might be worse than a sharp immediate pain and was the only way of satisfying Adam who must be satisfied for more reasons than one if he could have seen her again but that was impossible there was such a thorny hedge of hindrances between them and then prudence would be fatal and yet if he could see her again what good would it do only cause him to suffer more from the sight of her distress and the remembrance of it away from him she was surrounded by all the motives to self-control a sudden dread here fell like a shadow across his imagination the dread lest she should do something violent in her grief and close upon that dread came another which deepened the shadow but he shook them off with the force of youth and hope what was the ground for painting the future in that dark way it was just as likely to be reverse Arthur told himself he did not deserve that things should turn out badly he had never meant beforehand to do anything his conscience disapproved he had been led on by circumstances there was a sort of implicit confidence in him that he was really such a good fellow at bottom providence would not treat him harshly at all events he couldn't help what would come now all he could do was to take what seemed the best course at the present moment and he persuaded himself that that course was to make the way open between Adam and Hetty her heart might really turn to Adam as he said after a while and in that case there would have been no great harm done since it was still Adam's ardent wish to make her his wife to be sure Adam was deceived deceived in a way that Arthur presented as a deep wrong if it had been practiced on himself that was a reflection that marred the consoling prospect Arthur's cheeks even burned in mingled shame and irritation at the thought but what could a man do in such dilemma he was bound in honour to say no word that could injure Hetty his first duty was to guard her he would never have told or acted a lie on his own account good God what a miserable fool he must have brought himself into such a dilemma and yet if ever man had excuses he had pity that consequences are determined not by excuses but by actions well the letter must be written it was the only means that promised the solution of the difficulty the tears came into Arthur's eyes and he thought of Hetty reading it but it would be almost as hard for him to write it he was not doing anything easy to himself and this last thought helped him to arrive at a conclusion he could never deliberately have taken a step which inflicted pain on another and left himself at ease even a moment of jealousy at the thought of giving up Hetty to Adam went to convince him that he was making a sacrifice when once he had come to this conclusion he turned me around and set off home in a canter the letter should be written the first thing and the rest of the day would be filled with other business he should have no time to look behind him happily Irwin and Gawain were coming to dinner and by twelve o'clock the next day he should have left the chase miles behind him there was some security in this constant occupation against an uncontrollable impulse ceasing on him to rush to Hetty and thrust into her hands some mad proposition that would undo everything faster and faster went the sensitive meag at every slight sign from her rider to the canter had passed into a swift gallop I thought they said master was took ill last night said sour old John the groom at dinner time in the servants hall he's been riding fit to split the mare into this forenoon that's happened one of the symptoms John said the facetious coachman then I wish he would let blood foot that's all said John Grimly Adam had been early at the chase to know how Arthur was and had been relieved from all anxiety about the effects of his blow by learning that he was gone out for a ride at five o'clock he was punctually there again and sent out words of his arrival in a few minutes Pym came down with a letter in his hand and gave it to Adam saying that the captain was too busy to see him and had written everything he had to say the letter was directed to Adam but he went out of doors again before opening it he contained a sealed enclosure directed to Hetty on the inside of the cover Adam read in the enclosed letter I have written everything you wish I leave it to you to decide whether you'll be doing best to deliver it to Hetty or to return it to me ask yourself once more whether you are not taking a measure which may pain her more than mere silence there is no need for us seeing each other again now we shall meet with better feelings some months hence AD perhaps he's not right not to see me thought Adam it's no use meeting to say more hard words and it's no use meeting to shake hands and say we're friends again we're not friends and it's better not to pretend it I know a forgiveness is a man's duty but to my thinking that can only mean as you're given up all thoughts are taking revenge it can never mean as though you're to have your old feelings back again but that's not possible he's not the same man to me and I can't feel the same toward him God help me I don't know whether I feel the same towards anybody I see him as if I've been measuring my work from a false lie and got it all to measure over again but the question about delivering the letter to Hetty soon absorbed Adam's thoughts Arthur had procured some relief to himself by throwing the decision on Adam with a warning and Adam who was not given a hesitation hesitated here he determined to feel his way to ascertain as well as he could what was Hetty's state of mind before he decided on delivering the letter End of chapter 29 Chapter 30 of Adam Bede This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Lori Heinrichs Adam Bede by George Elliott Chapter 30 The Delivery of the Letter The next Sunday Adam joined the poisers on their way out of church hoping for an invitation to go home with them He had the letter in his pocket and was anxious to have an opportunity of talking to Hetty alone He could not see her face at church for she had changed her seat and when he came up to shake her hands her manner was doubtful and constrained He expected this for it was the first time she had met him since she had been aware that he had seen her with Arthur in the Grove Come you'll go on with us Adam Mr. Poiser said when they reached the turning and as soon as they were in the fields Adam ventured to offer his arm to Hetty The children soon gave them an opportunity of lingering behind a little and then Adam said Well you can try for me to walk out in the garden and bit with you this evening if it keeps fine Hetty I have something particular to talk to you about Hetty said very well She was really as anxious as Adam was that she should have some private talk with him She wondered what he thought of her in Arthur He must have seen them kissing she knew but she had no consumption of the scene that had taken place between Arthur and Adam Her first feeling had been that Adam would be very angry with her and perhaps would tell her aunt and uncle but it never entered her mind that he would dare to say anything to Captain Hawthorne It was a relief to her that he behaved so kindly to her today and wanted to speak to her alone for she had trembled when she found he was going home with them lest he should mean to tell But now he wanted to talk to her by herself She should learn what he thought and what he meant to do She felt a certain confidence that she could persuade him not to do anything she did not want him to do She could perhaps even make him believe that she didn't care for Arthur and as long as Adam thought that there was any hope of her having him he would do just what she liked she knew Besides she must go on seeming to encourage Adam lest her uncle and aunt should be angry and suspect her of having some secret lover Heady's little brain was busy with this combination as she hung on Adam's arm and said yes or no to some slight observations of his about the many Hawthorne berries there would be for the birds this next winter and the lone-hanging clouds that would hardly hold up to morning and when they rejoined her aunt and uncle she could pursue her thoughts without interruption for Mr. Poiser held that though a young man might like to have the woman he was courting on his arm he would nevertheless be glad of a little reasonable talk about business the while and for his own part he was curious to hear the most recent news about the Chase Farm So through the rest of the walk he claimed Adam's conversation for himself and Heady laid her small plots and imagined her little scenes of cunning blandishment as she walked along the hedgerows on honest Adam's arm quite as well as if she had been an elegantly clad coquette alone in her boudoir for if a country beauty in clumsy shoes be only shallow-hearted enough it is astonishing how closely her mental processes may resemble those of a lady in society in crinoline who applies her refined intellect to the problem of committing indiscretions without compromising herself Perhaps the resemblance was not much the less because Heady felt very unhappy all the while The parting with Arthur was a double pain to her mingling with the tomos of passion and vanity there was the dim undefined fear that the future might shape itself in some way quite unlike her dream she clung to the comforting hopeful words Arthur had uttered in their last meeting I shall come again at Christmas time and then we will see what can be done She clung to the belief that he was so fond of her he would never be happy without her and she still hugged her secret that a great gentleman loved her with gratified pride as a superiority over all the girls she knew but the uncertainty of the future the possibilities to which she could give no shape began to press upon her like the invisible weight of air she was alone on her little island of dreams and all around her was the dark unknowed water where Arthur was gone she could gather no elation of spirits now by looking forward but only by looking backward to build confidence on past words and caresses but occasionally since Thursday evening her dim anxieties have been almost lost behind the more definite fear that Adam might betray what he knew to her uncle and aunt and his sudden proposition to talk with her alone had set her thoughts to work in a new way she was eager not to lose this evening's opportunity and after tea when the boys were going into the garden and Toddy begged to go with them Hedy said with alacrity that surprised Mrs. Poiser I'll go with her aunt it did not seem at all surprising that Adam said he would go too and soon he and Hedy were left alone together on the walk by the Filbert trees where the boys were busy elsewhere gathering the large unripe nuts to play at Cobnut with and Toddy was watching them with a puppy-like air of contemplation it was but a short time hardly two months since Adam had had his mind filled with delicious hopes as he stood by Hedy's side in this garden the remembrance of that scene had often been with him since Thursday evening the sunlight through the apple tree-bows the red bunches Hedy's sweet blush it came importantly now on this sad evening with the low-hanging clouds but he tried to suppress it lest some emotion should impel him to say more than was needful for Hedy's sake after what I saw on Thursday night Hedy, he began you won't think me making too free in what I'm going to say if you was being courted by any man as it make you his wife and I known you was fond of him and meant to have him I should have no right to speak a word to you about it but when I see you're being made love to by a gentleman as can never marry you and doesn't think of marrying you I feel bound to interfere for you I can't speak about it to them as are the place of your parents for that might bring worse trouble than is needful Adam's words relieved one of Hedy's fears but they also carried a meaning which sickened her with a strengthened foreboding she was pale and trembling and yet she would have angrily contradicted Adam if she had dared to betray her feelings but she was silent you're so young you know Hedy he went on almost tenderly and you haven't seen much of what goes on in the world it's right for me to do what I can I can't leave you from getting into the trouble for wanta you're knowing where you're being led to if anybody besides me knew what I know about your meeting a gentleman and having fine presence from him they'd speak light on you and you'd lose your character and besides that you'll have to suffer in your feelings with giving your love to a man as can never marry you so as he might take care of you all your life Adam paused and looked at Hedy who was plucking the leaves from the Philbert trees and tearing them up in her hand her little plans and preconcerted speeches had all forsaken her like an ill-learned lesson under the terrible agitation produced by Adam's words there was a cruel force in their calm certainty which threatened to grapple and crush her flimsy hopes and fancies she wanted to resist them she wanted to throw them off with angry contradictions but the determination to conceal what she felt still governed her it was nothing more than a blind prompting now for she was unable to calculate the effect of her words you've no right to say as I love him she said faintly but impetuously plucking another rough leaf and tearing it up she was very beautiful in her paleness and agitation with her dark childish eyes dilated in her breath shorter than usual Adam's heart yearned over her as he looked at her and if he could but comfort her and soothe her and save her from this pain if he had but some sort of strength that would enable him to rescue her poor troubled mind as he would have rescued her body in the face of all danger I doubt it must be so heady he said tenderly for I cannot believe you'd let any man kiss you by yourselves and give you a gold box with his hair and go a walking at the grove to meet him if you didn't love him I'm not blaming you for I know it had begun by little and little till at last you'd not be able to throw it off it's him I blame for stealing your love in that way even he knew he could never make you the right amends he's been trifling with you and making a plaything of you and caring nothing about you as a man ought to care yes he does care for me I know better nor you heady burst out everything was forgotten but the pain and anger she felt at Adam's words nay heady said Adam if he'd cared for you rightly he'd never have behaved so he told me himself he meant nothing by his kissing and presence he'd make me believe as you thought little of him too but I know better nor that I can't help thinking as you've been trusting to his loving you well enough to marry you for all he's a gentleman and that's why I must speak to you about it heady for fear you should be deceiving yourself it's never entered his head the thought of marrying you how do you know how durst you say so said heady pausing in her walk and trembling the terrible decision of Adam's tone shook her with fear the presence of my left for the reflection that Arthur would have his reasons for not telling the truth to Adam her words and look were enough to determine Adam he must give her the letter perhaps you can't believe me heady because you think too well of him because you think he loves you better than he does but I've got a letter in my pocket as he wrote himself for me to give you I've not read the letter but he says he's told you the truth in it but before I give you the letter heady and don't let it take too much hold on you it wouldn't have been good for him if he'd wanted to do such a mad thing as Maria it had led to no happiness in the end heady said nothing she felt a revival of hope at the mention of a letter which Adam had not read there would be something quite different in it from what he thought Adam took out the letter but he held it in his hand still while he said in a tone of tender and treaty don't you bear me ill will heady because I'm the means of bringing you this pain God knows I'd have borne a good deal worse for the sake of sparing you and think there's nobody but me that knows about this and I'll take care of you as if I was your brother you're the same as ever to me for I don't believe you've done any wrong knowingly heady had laid her hand on the letter but Adam did not lose it till he had done speaking she took no notice of what he said she had not listened but he loosed the letter she put it into her pocket without opening it and she walked more quickly as if she wanted to go in you're in the right not to read it just yet said Adam read it when you're by yourself but stay out a little bit longer and let us call the children you look so white and ill your aunt may take notice of it heady heard the warning and recalled to her the necessity of rallying her native powers of concealment which had half given way under the shock of Adam's words and she had the letter in her pocket she was sure there was comfort in that letter in spite of Adam and to find Toddy and soon reappeared with recovered color leading Toddy who was making a sour face because she had been obliged to throw away an unripe apple that she had set her small teeth in hit Toddy said Adam come and ride on my shoulder ever so high you'll touch the tops of the trees what little child ever refused to be comforted by that glorious sense of being seized strongly and swung upward I don't believe Ganymede cried when the eagle carried him away and perhaps deposited him on Joe's shoulder at the end Toddy smiled down and complacently from her secure height and pleasant was the sight of the mother's eyes as she stood at the house door and saw Adam coming with his small burden bless your sweet face my pet she said the mother's strong love filling her keen eyes with mildness as Toddy leaned forward and put out her arms she had no eyes for heady at that moment only said without looking at her you go and draw some ale heady the gals are both at the cheese after the ale had been drawn and her uncle's pipe lighted there was Toddy to be taken to bed and brought down again in her nightgown because she would cry instead of going to sleep then there was supper to be got ready and heady must be continually in the way to give help Adam stayed till he knew Mrs. Poiser expected him to go engaging her and her husband in talk as constantly as he could for the sake of leaving heady more at ease he lingered because he wanted to see her safely through that evening he decided to find how much self-command she showed he knew she had not time to read the letter but he did not know she was bullied by a secret hope that the letter would contradict everything he had said it was hard work for him to leave her hard to think that he should not know for days how she was bearing her trouble but he must go at last and all he could do was press her hand gently as he said goodbye and hope she would take that as a sign that if his love could ever be a refuge for her it was there the same as ever how busy his thoughts were as he walked home and devising pitying excuses for her folly and referring all her weakness to the sweet lovingness of her nature and blaming Arthur with less and less inclination to admit that his conduct might be extenuated too his exasperation at heady's suffering and also at the sense that she was possibly thrust forever out of his own reach deafened him to any plea for the miscalled friend who had wrought this misery Adam was a clear-sided, fair-minded man a fine fellow indeed morally as well as physically but if Aristides the just was ever in love and jealous he was at that moment not perfectly magnanimous and I cannot pretend that Adam, in these painful days felt nothing but righteous indignation in loving pity he was bitterly jealous and in proportion as his love made him indulgent in his judgment of heady the bitterness found a vent in his feelings toward Arthur her head was always like to be turned thought when a gentleman with his fine manners and fine clothes and his white hands in that way you're talking gentle folks have came about her making up to her in a bold way as a man couldn't do that was only her equal and it's much as she'll ever like a common man now he cannot help drawing his own hands out of his pockets and looking at them at the hard palms and the broken fingernails I'm a roughish fellow altogether I don't know now I come to think on it what there is much for a woman to like about me and yet I might have got another wife easy enough if I hadn't set my heart on her but it's little matter what other women think about me if she can't love me she might have loved me perhaps as likely as any other man there's nobody here abouts as I'm afraid of if he hadn't come between us but now I shall be like be hateful to her because I'm so different to him and yet there's no telling she may turn round the other way when she finds he's made light of her all the while she may come to feel the valley of a man as I'd be thankful to be bound to her all his life but I must put up with it whichever way it is I've only to be thankful it's been no worse I am not the only man that's got to do without much happiness in his life there's many a good bit of work done with a bad heart it's God's will and that's enough for us we shouldn't know better how things ought to be than he does I reckon if we was to spend our lives appuzzling I did had gone better near to spoil my work for me if I'd seen her brought to sorrow and shame and through the man as I've always been proud to think on since I've been spared that I've no right to grumble when a man's got his limbs whole he can bear a smart cut or two as Adam was getting over a style at this point in his reflections he perceived a man walking along the field before him he knew it was Seth returning from an evening preaching and made haste to overtake him I thought he'd be at home before me so I said, as Seth turned round to wait for him for I'm later than usual tonight well I'm later too for I got into talk after meeting with John Barnes who was lately professed himself in a state of perfection and I had a question to ask him about his experience it's one of them subjects that lead you further than you'd expect they don't lie along the straight road they walked along together in silence two or three minutes Adam's not inclined to enter into the subtleties of religious experience he was inclined to interchange a word or two of brotherly affection and confidence with Seth that was a rare impulse in him much as the brothers loved each other they hardly ever spoke of personal matters or uttered more than an allusion to their family troubles Adam was by nature the reserved in all matter of feelings as Seth felt a certain timidity towards his more practical brother Seth lad, Adam said, putting his arm on his brother's shoulder haste heard anything from Dinah Morse since she went away Yes said Seth, she told me I might write her a word after a while how he went on and how mother bore up under her trouble so I wrote to her a fortnight ago and told her about the having a new employment and how mother was more contented and last Wednesday when I called at the post that treadles on I found a letter from her I think these perhaps like to read it but I didn't say anything about it because these seem so full of other things it's quite easy to read she writes wonderful for a woman Seth had drawn the letter from his pocket and held it out to Adam who said as he took it Hey lad, I've got a tough load to carry just now they must not take it ill if I'm a bit silencer and crustier nor usual trouble doesn't make me care less for thee I know we shall stick together till the last I take not ill o' thee Adam I know well enough what it means if thee'd a bit short when we now and then There's mother opening the door to look out for us said Adam as they mounted the slope she's been sitting in the dark as usual Well, Jip, well, art glad to see me Lizbeth went in again quickly and lighted a candle for she had heard the welcoming rustle of footsteps in the grass before Jip's joyful bark Hey my lads, the hours was ne'er so long so I was born as they'd been this Sunday night What can you both have been doing till this time? The shishness sit in the dark mother said Adam that makes the time seem longer Hey, what am I to do with burning the candle of a Sunday when there's only me and it's sin to do a bit of knitting The day's long enough for me to stare the book as I can't read it It'd be a fine way of shortening the time to make it waste the good candle but which I'm used for having supper Yuma neither be clemed or full I should think, seein' what time of night it is I'm hungry mother said Seth seating himself at the little table which had been spread ever since it was light I've had my supper said Adam Here Jip he added taking some cold potato from the table and rubbing the rough grey head that looked up towards him The needs not begin the dog said Elizabeth I've fed him already I'm not like to forget him I reckon when he's all of thee I can get sighed on Come then Jip said Adam we'll go to bed, good night mother I'm very tired What ills him does know The best said to Seth when Adam was gone upstairs He's like as if he was struck this day or two he's so cast down I found him at the shop this four noon Arder thee was gone a sittin' and doin' nothin' not so much as a book for him He's a deal of work upon him just now mother said Seth and I think he's a bit troubled in his mind Don't you take notice of it because it hurts him when you do Be as kind to him as you can mother and don't say anything to vex him Ay what does Taco my vexin' him and what am I like to be but kind I'll wall him a kettle cake for breakfast in the morning Adam meanwhile was reading Dino's letter by the light of his dip candle Dear brother Seth your letter lay three days beyond my knowing of it at the post for I had not money enough by me to pay the carriage this being a time of great need and sickness here with the reins that have fallen as if the windows of heaven were opened again and to lay by money from day to day in such a time when there are so many in present need of all things it would be a want of trust like the laying up of the manna I speak of this because I would not have you think me slow to answer or that I had small joy in your rejoicing at the worldly good that has befallen your brother Adam the honor and love you bear him is nothing but meat for God has given him great gifts and he uses them as the preachy arc Joseph did who when he was exalted to a place of power and trust yet yearned with tenderness toward his parent and his younger brother since it was granted me to be near her in the day of trouble speak to her of me and tell her I often bear her in my thoughts at the evening time when I am sitting in the dim light as I did with her and we held one another's hands and I spoke the words of comfort that were given to me all that is as blessed time is in itself when the outward light is fading and the body is a little wearied with its work and its labor then the inward light shines the brighter and we have a deeper sense of resting in the divine strength I sit on my chair in the dark room and close my eyes and it is as if I was out of the body and could feel no want for evermore for then the very hardship and the sorrow and the blindness and the sin I have beheld and been ready to weep over yea all the anguish of the children of men which sometimes wraps me round like sudden darkness I can bear with a willing pain as if I was sharing the Redeemer's Cross for I feel it I feel it infinite love is suffering too yea in the fullness of knowledge it suffers it yearns, it mourns and that is blind self-seeking which wants to be freed from the sorrow wherewith the whole creation growneth and travaileth surely it is not true blessedness to be free from sorrow while there is sorrow and sin in the world sorrow is then a part of love and love does not seek to throw it off it is not the spirit only that tells me this I see it in the whole work and word of the gospel is there not pleading in heaven is not the man of sorrows there in that crucified body wherewith he ascended and is he not one with the infinite love itself as our love is one with our sorrow these thoughts have been much born in on me of late and I have seen with new clearness the meaning of those words if any man love me let him take up my cross I have heard this enlarged on as if it's meant the troubles and persecutions we bring on ourselves by confessing Jesus but surely that is a narrow thought the true cross to the Redeemer was the sin and sorrow of this world that was what lay heavy on his heart and that is the cross we shall share with him that is the cup we must drink of with him if we would have any part in that divine love which is one with his sorrow in my outward lot which you ask about I have all things in the bound I have had constant work in the mill with some of the other hands have been turned off for a time and my body is greatly strengthened so that I feel little weariness after long walking and speaking what you say about staying in your own country with your mother and brother shows me that you have true guidance your lot is appointed thereby a clear showing and to seek a greater blessing elsewhere would be like laying a false offering on the altar and expecting the fire from heaven to kindle it my work and my joy are here among the hills and I sometimes think I cling too much to my life among the people here and should be rebellious if I was called away I was thankful for your tidings about the dear friends at the Hall Farm for though I sent them a letter by my aunt's desire after I came back from my sojourn among them I have had no word from them my aunt is not the pen of a ready writer and the work of the house is sufficient for the day for she is weak in body my heart cleaves to her and her children as the nearest of all to me in flesh yea and to all in that house I am carried away to them continually in my sleep and often in the midst of work and even of speech the thought of them on me as if they were in need and trouble which yet is dark to me there may be some leading here but I wait to be taught you say they are all well we shall see each other again in the body I trust though it may not be for a long while for the brethren and sisters at Leeds are desirous to have me for a short space among them when I have a door open me again to leave Snowfield farewell dear brother and yet not farewell for those children of God whom it has been granted to see each other face to face and to hold communion together and to feel the same spirit working in both can never more be sundered though the hills may lie between for their souls are enlarged forever more by that union and they bear one another about in their thoughts continually as if it were new strength your faithful sister and fellow worker in Christ Dinah Morse I have not skilled to write the word so small as you do in my pen move slow and so I am straightened and say but little what is in my mind she asked me to kiss her twice when we parted Adam had refolded the letter and was sitting meditatively with his head resting on his arm at the head of the bed when Seth came upstairs has read the letter said Seth yes said Adam I don't know what I should have thought of her in her letter if I never seen her I dare say I should have thought a preaching woman hateful but she is one that makes everything seem right as she says and does speaking when I read the letter it's wonderful how I remember her looks in her voice she'd make the rare and happy Seth she's just the woman for thee it's no use thinking of that says Seth despondingly she spoke so firm and she's not the woman to say one thing and mean another nay but her feelings may grow different a woman may love to get by degrees the best fire doesn't flare up the soonest I'd have thee go and see her by and by I'd make it convenient for thee to be away for four days and it'd be no walk for thee only between twenty and thirty mile I should like to see her again whether or no if she would not be displeased with me forgoing said Seth she'll be none displeased said Adam emphatically getting up and throwing off his coat it might be a great happiness to all if she'd have thee for mother took to her so wonderful and seemed so contented to be with her A said Seth rather timidly and Diana fond a heady too makes a deal about her Adam made no reply to that and no other word but good night passed between them