Hi, how's everyone doing? Welcome to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Guide to Color Theory, it's by Luisa Barrett. It's me. I'm Luisa. Hi. Hi. I am the director of the front-end engineering program at the Turing School of Software and Design. We are a non-profit, a full-time seven-month immersive developer training program in Denver. We are also looking for back-end instructors, so if anybody likes teaching and talking to weird people all day, come talk to me afterwards. I am on WCB on Twitter and a little bit of a background about me. I've been a designer for about ten years and I switched over to writing code about five years ago and color theory is one of my very favorite topics to teach and it's a really fun combination of science and human factors and aesthetics and it is something that can really have a big impact on users so it's really fun. And for this particular topic, for this talk, I am qualified to speak about this because I wanted to be one of them. Then I realized that I was not a turtle or a ninja or a mutant or a teen and I couldn't be and all of these things are still true which is very upsetting for me. I also am very good at ruby, yeah, so dad joke. Okay, so that's how you know that you can trust me, yeah, very trustable. So this talk, we are going to be in six parts. We'll talk about color groups, color associations, the color, whoops, it went too fast. The color wheel, we'll talk about color combinations, color properties and terms and accessibility just a little bit because it's important. So let's do this. Here we go. So first thing, so when we're talking about color theory, you need to start at the beginning and so that basically means that we're going to talk about color groups. So there are three big like buckets of colors that are groupings that all colors fall into. They are warm, cool and neutral. So when we are talking about warm colors, they are generally thought to be very positive and energetic and colors in these groups have actually been shown to have like a physical effect on people. So they can raise your blood pressure, they can increase your respiration and they can even enhance your metabolism. And if you think about like the kind of brands that really lean very heavily on warm colors, they're often trying to communicate like fun or energy or playfulness or like maybe McDonald's. They are trying to get you in and out really quickly so they can like serve more people extremely, or what, McRibs? Is that what we're doing? Yeah. So then we have cool color groups, sort of polar opposite of the warm color groups. Cool colors are generally calmer and relaxing. So colors in this group are often associated with stability and composure. And again, if you think about brands that use these kinds of colors, you'll see a lot of institutions that really want you to trust them. Like banks and hospitals and insurance companies and Facebook. Why not? Yeah, take my user information. It's fine. Then we have neutral colors. These are generally more conservative. They can sort of skew both warm and cool depending on sort of the specific blend.  And they can, they're generally often, they're generally used as like a base for your color palette and then your hot or warm color or your cooler. Warmer cool colors will be used as like an accent color on top of to be paired with a neutral color. And then finally for groups, we have mutants, which tend to have also fairly specific uses and very strong feelings associated with them. So if you think about like the X-Men or Godzilla or the Turtles, they have very strong like cultural associations with mutants, which leads us to color associations. So it's really important to think about when you are using color and leveraging color to just be aware that whether or not we really consciously realize it, everyone has very strong associations with colors. So these can be fairly subjective based on how someone grew up or which culture that they are more most connected to. But it's just something that we can really leverage when we're thinking about design or just user interaction. And it's also just be important to realize that some colors have different associations based on just different cultures or parts of the world that someone grew up in. So if you think about like the color white, in some cultures, most Western cultures, it's often associated with like purity for fulfillment or brightness, like wedding dresses are white. And in other cultures, it's associated with the depth and it's the color that people will like wear to funerals. So they're very different associations with specific colors. So when we are talking about the turtles, we have Raphael. All right, so good old Raph, right? He is kind of a hothead. He is associated with the color red. Red is one of these colors that has very polarizing meanings associated with it. It can be very strictly associated with it's very passionate color. It can be associated with anger. It can also be associated with love. Raphael is that in a nutshell, right? So he is he's the hothead of the group, right? He's kind of a jersey boy. He's got a little bit of an attitude problem. He's very much like he's very much bound by this color association with red. He is we think about three big words that are associated with red. We have like determination, anger, he's pretty angry gets a little bit grumpy sometimes. And then where he's a very intense character. If we think about the color orange, we have Michelangelo, right? So Mikey's much more laid back orange itself is often associated with like fun. It's much more playful. It's often used in in ways to communicate with like children. It's like often used in children's books and toys and things like that. So it's a very much it's a very lighthearted color, which also ties very directly into Michelangelo's personality. He is like the goofball of the group. He's very laid back. He's really fun. He's really goofy. Then we have blue and we have Leonardo, right? So blue is definitely one of these colors that is very like calm and stable. It's often associated with like composure and again, just stability. So Leonardo is the one in the group who is very he's very level headed. He always thinks through his decisions before he acts. He is the one who's sort of like navigating any conflicts and amongst the group. He's the he's the leader, right? So if we think about colors that are terms that are associated with with blue, we have he's very loyal. He's very intelligent and he's very confident, right? But he's very calm about it. So he's very soothing character. Then we have purple. We have Donatello. So this is the history of purple is kind of interesting. It was historically to get to make the dye for purple. It was very difficult. So the only people who could afford to do that were people that had money. So you would have like a clergy or people in like like Kings and quit like leadership leadership positions, but with monarchies, right? So I forgot the word. I don't know. So we have so then we have Donatello. So but historically, since purple was only was only accessible by people that were very wealthy, which typically meant that those people were also much more educated than the rest of the population, purple was associated with education. It was associated with creativity. It was associated with wisdom. Then we have Donatello, who's like the engineer of the group, right? He's the problem solver. He's the one who can sort of get handled a problem and figure it out. So we have very clear connections between which color group and which specific color the turtles are associated with and their personalities. And we have neutral colors. And again, neutrals are sort of the background for everything else. And we have splinter, right? So splinter is basically like the grounding force of the turtles. He is totally neutral. He doesn't get worked up about anything. He can sort of handle all the ups and downs.   And he's very so he's a neutral color because he's associated with those characteristics. So now we're talking about the color wheel. So this is going to help us understand the purity of colors and how specific colors are created. So when we're talking about the color wheel, the first thing we need to think about is primary colors. So primary colors are pure colors. And they are the base of all other colors. They're also the most simple colors. So you cannot create a primary color by mixing any other color. So they are red, blue and yellow. So these are like our base colors and all other colors come from them. When we think about the turtles, we have Raphael and Leonardo. So they are not only these two very defining warm and cool colors, red and blue, they are also primary colors.  They're also because they have this warm, cool dynamic. They fight more. They are there. They have more conflict with each other. They are going to butt heads a little bit more and Raphael is going to try and push Leonardo and Leonardo is going to kind of roll them back a little bit and like keep them under control and keep them from blowing up. Then we have secondary colors. So secondary colors are created by blending two primary colors. So you will essentially just have two colors that are blended in equal amounts, two primary colors that are blended in equal amounts. And then you end up with a secondary color. Again, when we think of the turtles, we have Donatello and Michelangelo. So again, they are slightly less intense personalities. You still get some of that hot, cool dynamic. Again, like Donatello is still kind of goofy, but he's a little bit more studious, a little bit more serious. And then Michelangelo is pretty goofy and pretty laid back about things. So you get some of that hot, cool dynamic, but it's toned down a little bit. They don't really butt heads very much. They get along pretty well. They kind of, they get along with the whole group pretty, pretty effectively. Next one. We have color combinations on how to, let's talk about how we're actually going to combine colors together effectively. So when we are talking back to the color wheel, so the most basic, straightforward type of color combination is a complementary color combination. So these are two colors that sit directly across from each other on the color wheel. Like in this example, we have purple and yellow. They're going to be, it's going to be a pretty intense, a pretty intense pairing. There may be some amount of visual vibration between, between the two when they're butted up next to each other, like that boundary edge between the two colors may actually kind of vibrate a little bit when you look at it, just because it's a very intense, high contrast color pairing. It's, it's a very easy type of color combination to make, but it's not necessarily particularly nice. It may be a little bit, a little bit icky, you could say. Then we have the split complementary color combination, which is essentially taking the ease of creating a color combination from a complementary color combo and then just going up a tick or down a tick on the color wheel for the opposing color to just soften that a little bit. So you'll see many, you know, sports teams that are leveraging this. It's great, easy, very bright, it's very fun, it's very, it's an easy combination that looks nice. Then we have this concept of a triad. So essentially if you drop a triangle on the color wheel, you end up with an equally distributed combination of three colors that's going to give you a pretty like interesting, varied combination of colors that's going to work nicely together. Then we have this concept of a tetradic color scheme. So this is where you drop a rectangle on the color wheel and you end up with the turtles. Hurray! So this is as close as I get to conspiracy theories. So we effectively have, we effectively have a very intention, what may have seemed like an arbitrary collection of colors is actually very intentional. So you can see that we've got this very balanced, equally distributed collection of colors that are being used for these characters. So you get a really good, balanced mix of hot and cool contrast, which has been reflected in their personalities, and then you also get quite a bit of contrast, but in a way that isn't going to conflict. So they're not going to necessarily, these colors aren't going to like fight with each other similar to the turtles. They're going to still get along. They might butt heads a little bit, but they're still going to get along in the big picture thing. So we have color properties. So this is essentially, we are going to talk a little bit about how to distinguish and define colors. So in this example, so we are going to just talk about some vocabulary, just so we can have better better words and better terminology when we're working through this. So we've got hue. So hue essentially just if I went too fast. So hue defines, too fast again. All right. Well, I've messed my slide up. All right. So anyway, so hue is effectively a, pretend there's a color, pretend there's a color wheel there. So hue is effectively like a pure color, and it describes, it describes like the pure tone. It could be, it could be used as like a synonym for, it could be used as a synonym for just pure color. It's often used as the colors that are, it's often used to describe colors that are like in the basic box of like crayola crayons. So if you have like an eight pack of crayola crayons and they have names like orange and red and blue, like you have these colors and those are often what's associated with hue. Then we have value. Value is used to describe how light or dark a color is, and it has to do with how much light is being reflected back into your eye from the color. So in this example we have purple, which is a, is going to have a low value because it is absorbing more light and then yellow has a high value because it reflects more light. So it's a lighter color. So, so we have hue, which is a defining like the purity of a color. Then we have value, which is describing the light or darkness of a color. Then we have tone. So tone, it tones are essentially made by mixing pure colors or hues with a neutral or a grayscale color. So a tone is often softer than the original color. So tints and shades are considered tones. And if we see here, this, this circle on this far side, or the side closest to me, excuse me, is a, is a tone. The center would be a tint because it is, it's blending that tone with white. So it becomes a little bit of a gradient, but it allows you to get a range of colors with from one tone. And then the far, the far circle on the left is a shade, which is made by create with blending a tone with black. So then you have, if you can like skew to like the, to the dark side. The dark side of your color, I don't know. So then we have this idea of saturation. So saturation is pretty cool. So saturation defines the range of purity for a color. And it goes from 100% saturated to 0% saturated, which becomes a tonal gray. So if we look at this example here, again, the bar that is closest to me is going to be 100% saturated. So it's a pure color. And then we're just taking incremental steps down to this tonal gray, which is completely desaturated or 0% saturation. So then we have, so we have this full range. And it's kind of an interesting thing too, if you look at this, when you take these incremental steps, you end up with almost what looks like a gradient on each bar, but really it's just a solid color. So that is actually like a little bit of like an interesting like trick that your eye is playing on you, just because you've got these evenly stepped bars of color, which is kind of neat. So this is a great way to like find an accent color with a new, to pair an accent color with a neutral color. You just find like the desaturated tonal gray that you want to be, that you want to use as your neutral. And then you can use the 100% saturated color as the, as the accent color. So then when we're speaking about tonal gray, blinter is the tonal gray. So effectively what we've got is like, because again, tonal gray comes from the way that when you're when you're actually painting, when you're actually like creating these colors yourselves and mixing these colors yourselves, you take two complementary colors, so two colors that are directly across from each other on the color wheel, and you blend them in equal amounts, and then you end up at tonal gray. And that's how you end up with a neutral color that still has enough of these these hues and tones from the original colors to allow you to really balance them very nicely and blend really well. And so splinter is at the center of the turtles. So he has an equal combination of all of his students. Yeah, so he's a combination of all of them effectively. And you can see all of these little pieces of him in them, which is just an interesting thing. Then we have some accessibility strategies. So we've talked a little bit about just basic color terms. We've talked a lot about how to talk about color and speak about color and just what kind of going on under the hood and just like how colors are formed. And it's would be kind of a misstep to me personally to not talk about any amount of accessibility when we're talking about color, because about four point five percent of the population or in the US alone about 13 million people suffer from some amount of color vision deficiency. So that's a large set of users that who aren't going to be fully color-sided and may struggle to see certain elements on your page if you don't carefully keep track of what color you're using and how you're using them. So a big thing to think about is that you shouldn't rely exclusively on color to communicate a message to your users. So as an example, we will just, you know, who doesn't love a form? Forms are great. Thanks. Yeah. Shout out for forms. Nailed it. All right. So if we look at this in this example here on the left, we have a form that's showing error messages exclusively by changing the color of the outline on the input. And we're using green to signal success and red to signal failure. Like that makes sense. If you can see color fully, that's great. That works fine. But the most common type of color blindness is a red-green color deficiency. So you're setting a large, significant chunk of your users up for failure. As you can see on the example, which is the same form that's been put through a simulator to simulate red-green color blindness. So you can see that suddenly, like, we have no information about why this form has just failed. Like, we don't get any feedback on this. So because we're just relying on color. If we make some simple changes, and again, don't just rely on colors to communicate with your users, you should rely on some other visuals and some other approaches to help communicate more effectively. So now if we look at this, we are still using red-green to communicate success error. And then we also have pulled in some icons that are very distinctive and sort of like universal, universally understandable. And then we also are pulling in error messaging. So we're able to incorporate a little bit more information that's very clear and very direct for your users. And this is going to help not only your users with vision deficiencies, as we can see on that far example, when it's been put through the red-green color blindness simulator, it still holds up really effectively, but it's also going to be more effective for all of your users. So you're making your, you're effectively making a better product for everyone by taking accessibility restraints into consideration and fixing stuff. So that's a good thing to do. And then of course, when we tie it back to the turtles, here we go. So we are, while we are relying on the colors to communicate which turtle is which, we are also, we, now I've put the turtles through a color vision deficiency simulator. I did it. So but now we can still understand which one is which because of their weapons. So we still know exactly which character is which because they all have very different, very unique and distinctive weapons. So we are no longer just relying on color to define and explain which character is which. Now we are leaning on some different visual tools and visual cues to help communicate which character is which. And now we know, and now, and now essentially we are making the turtles more accessible. We did it. Hooray. I think, all right. To wrap it up. There were six parts. They covered colors and conspiracy theories. My research and references were exclusively about from being a kid in the nineties.  That was amazing. I get it. Do you have we have time for questions? Would you like to take some questions? Sure. I want to be the first. I want to be the first question. How did you? So how did you discover this relationship between Ninja Turtles and colors like I'm imagining you in your house with with pictures of them on the wall and red straight red yard? Well, so one of the one of the one of the things that I've worked on at Turing is I kind of got a little bit of like a design track that goes through the front end program. And I tried to teach like basic design principles and because they're all these are all people who are like really excited about learning to code and really excited about programming when I am teaching these design lessons. They're very short. They're like one hour a week for like three or four weeks. I can start to see like there's like half the class who is super into it and half the class that you can just see their eyes glazing over because they're like you need lady shut up and I'm like, no, it's important. And I just started talking about this. This is like a little bit of a thing that I would just go off on a tangent when I was teaching color theory and it would make people stop glazing over a little bit. And then I did it as a lightning talk as a joke. And then now I'm here. Thank you. You're welcome. Do we have any two of them here? I am going to go to you first. Let me I will run right over. Thank you very much for the talk. I'm just wondering who your favorite turtle is. Leonardo because I'm bossy. All right. All right. So the perfect triangle on there was red, blue, yellow, but we often put values on red, blue and green. Why is that? So the so for the tetradic example for colors. So so so for that particular example, it was dropped on that that triangle was dropped on the color wheel and it just fell on red, blue and yellow. And then I think that sort of like the perfect would be red, red, blue and green. I don't know that it's necessarily perfect. I think it's just that's the way screens work, right? Red, blue and green. Is that screens? Oh, I did it. Thank you for validating me. Amazing. Does that kind of answer your question? I don't it wasn't like super. It's not like a super intentional. Hi. The web content accessibility guidelines talk about contrast ratios when you're talking about text to the various colors on the web pages. Have you figured out any good tricks or ways to utilize bright, nice colors without violating color contrast ratios? That's something that we've been dealing a lot with trying to become more accessibility compliant. Right. So I think so what I so the question is basically like how do you make sure that when you're choosing colors that still use very vibrant bright colors? How do you make sure that you're still hitting accessibility guidelines for visually impaired users? So I tend to personally make sure I will start off by like picking the color palette that I want. And then I make sure that I run all the sort of color combinations through that contrast through a contrast ratio like checker to make sure that they're going to still hold up because often what you'll find is like even if you have to slightly adjust adjust your colors or increase or decrease like adjust values a little bit to make something a little bit darker a little bit lighter to make sure that they stand out enough. You will still you will still have those those fun vibrant combinations and it'll be much more legible for all of your users. So one thing that I've noticed is that initially I do it and I'm a little bit sad because I'm like these colors aren't quite as fun. But then afterwards you you realize like oh actually this is like a much better more legible thing now. So I usually I really leverage those accessibility those like those contrast check those contrast checkers. Do you have like a book or other resource that you'd recommend to engineers who want to kind of like improve their design intelligence and stop making the same ugly bootstrap website over and over again every every bootstrap site. The there are there are a lot of with the Ellen Lupton has some really great books on typography. So there's one called thinking with type which is really great. There is called don't make me think which is great for like UX. I think a lot of it is just kind of understanding some basic fundamental principles about just how people want like kind of perceive their surroundings and just like like how to make things more legible. So both of those books are really focused around again like legibility and communication because essentially design is like you're communicating with people and you need to be able to to talk to someone without speaking to them. So I would say starting with like typography and then just some basic UX strategies to make things more usable for people is always a great place to start. I'm on my way. Do you have any favorite tools for that you use for contrast checkers. So there is there's a really simple one by well it's it's a little bit simple by Leigh of Rue and it is you just can put the two colors in and it just tells you whether or not it's passing all the various guidelines and then there is a the W3C has like like all of their accessibility guidelines. They have actually a really good contrast checker that allows you to like has little sliders that allows you to like check and see how much contrast you have and it allows you to like adjust the actual hex values and stuff very very incrementally and make sure that you're still getting the same the same tone but you can like you know add white or add black to it to make it to get a little bit of a shift. So that's that's a great that's a great tool. It definitely looks like just plain old like 90s HTML page but it works really well. Is there an effective way to use math to like just in a general sense create your your color themes. There there probably is. I went to art school though so I don't know. I'm sure that I'm sure that there is there. I'm sure there's something to do with like I mean I mean I'm sure that that's how those contrast ratio checkers are working their base. I'm sure that they're just leveraging that. But I'm not totally sure what what's actually going on behind the scenes. OK. I am tired of running around. I mean that has heavy. One more one more. OK. All right. So this isn't really a question. I just feel like this is an appropriate time to make a shout out to my homeboy. Roy D. Biv. All right. Thank you so much. Everybody. Lisa.


So today we're going to talk about the power of walking away and how that might change a man's behavior. So Marie, I have a question for you What's the most important power a woman can have when it comes to a romantic relationship? Self-respect and self-empowerment. Mm-hmm. So what does that mean to you? What's that mean to a woman self-respect self-empowerment? To me it means it's my life Okay, and and I get to choose what's what's right for me. Okay. Um, I like that It's my life and I get to choose what's right for me You know, you when you think back in history a lot of times men were the leaders of the you know The the the traditional expectation men are the leaders of relationship and women have to follow You probably witnessed that with your parents. I know I was that with my parents. What was that like for your mom? My mom.  What's the woman says the woman is the man he's they had and you want him to believe he's they had but It's the woman. That's the neck. Yeah Yeah, anyway, I once asked my parents with a group of friends there There were two other couples I think collectively there was a hundred and fifty years of marriage between three couples and I asked them What's the secret to relationship success? Oh, by the way, they're all Turkish couples by the way And the first couple said, you know, marry your best friend, you know And what they really I think what they meant is your your mate should be your best friends, you know Because that's who you go through life. I agree and the second couple said never go to bed mad You know, and by the way, what was interesting is both couple the both the couple said the same thing at the same time Like almost as if it was rurus. Yeah, so then I turned to my dad and I said, what's the secret to a successful Relationship and he says well your mother Understanding that I'm the leader of the house the head of the house Okay, and I love what my mother said next and this was probably just a few years before she passed away She said I go mom. What's the secret to relationship success? And she said Having your father believe he's the head of the house I that's good. Yeah, and what I appreciate about we've talked about my mom quite a bit What I appreciate about my mom was she didn't put up with shit from my dad You know, I mean Yes, he might have been leader in the structural sense of the hand family And my mother was kind of the leader of the home. They both had their shared duties But they were both equal participants in the relationship But more importantly they were equal participates in the power that they had for themselves That's something I really respect within my parents So the title of this broadcast is the power of walking away changes a man behavior What do you think what's your thoughts about that just that that title say it again? I'll read it right here. The power of walking away from a man changes his behavior What do you think that means? Well, I guess it means that if The guy knows that she has The power to walk away then he may behave differently, but then that's game playing Yeah, I know, you know And I think when a woman chooses to walk away with the intent to change a man's behavior I think that's a flawed premise to begin with Well, because I think when you're going to walk away, you better realize that you're walking away Not to control his behavior. Yeah I think that it's so wrong people say, oh, I'll do this because then he might do that So this is why I don't like the book the rules You know things like that which is all game playing techniques to change a person and I do believe When someone walks away that might temporarily change a person's behavior They might miss you in that moment But that all that does is it's triggered by an unhealthy Emotion not from the desire to change and today we're going to talk about different ways to get someone to change Now I heard one of my contemporaries say Dicks are like boomerangs. They always come back So my point being is and what I really I think it's a better way But it men are like boomerangs. They always come back in his his vernacular. That's what he said But the reality is is I think when people break up There is this kind of rubber band effect that happens There is this when you when you it's kind of like What's the movie Jerry Maguire?  I missed that person. I was with have you ever experienced that? Um, I guess to some degree but but for me walking away is walking away. Yeah Well, you know, I mean for the most part you've been blessed that um, you've had pretty good experiences with men I mean, certainly your marriage didn't work out and your significant relationship didn't work out But from that point, it's not like you've had to play cat and mouse with men No, yeah, because I just I just don't participate in gameplay. Is that self-respect? Yeah, well, I guess it is You know, I I think one of the reasons why I wrote a book called what the heck is self-love anyway? A journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work by the way Show everyone a copy of my book By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my book while I'm bringing this up is It's a book self-love isn't you know, it's not about oh I love myself or let me go get manicures for myself or pedicures. That's not what self Yeah, well, that's called self care self-love in my opinion is wrapped in words like self-worth self-esteem self-confidence and self-respect And I think when you genuinely respect yourself one of the most important things you do not do Is give your power away to someone else I completely agree with that So and I'd like to think in our relationship. We are two sovereign beings that come together Because life is better with company, but life isn't dependent upon company We know a couple right now that's going through a breakup And and they went through an experience where they dated for a while and then they moved in together And they realized that they weren't a good fit for one another. They're ending the relationship You you and I were talking about how living together reveals the true character of a person Yeah, well, I was talking with my girlfriend and she says the same thing that before they moved in together He was different and after they moved in together She who wanted the old guy back and Usually that you know, it's funny. There's a there's a saying that men marry women No men marry women hoping they don't change and women marry men hoping they do change Kind of the opposite. Yeah That's why she moved in with them because she thought He was one way and then once they moved in together and she saw the real him But she didn't try I mean they've been together a year and a half But it's interesting now that she wants to end the relationship. He's like, oh, I'm gonna change. I'm gonna change I'm gonna change right so but but frankly if someone is changing because you've had to say I want to leave Is that really again? I said this earlier. Is that a very valid reason to change? Is that a healthy reason to change and the real question is can this person actually change? So, um, I don't believe I wrote down walking away doesn't change anyone's behavior long term It might temporarily change someone's behavior in the short term. So I'm actually going to give four uh suggestions of or Four tools. Well not four four principles to recognize how a person changes their behavior. Are you interested in this? Yes, okay, and then I'll throw something into okay So a man or a person changes when blank dot dot dot man woman person changes when this happens dot dot dot So they're hurting so much that they have to change I can see how but that has to come from him Well, let's forget the man for a moment. Let me let's the person the person Okay, so so do you remember when there was a period of time in your life where you were in a lot of pain? Oh, yeah specific to our relationship. What did you do? I cried a lot. Okay But what did you do in that crying? What did I do I you know I don't Oh By the way, I've learned now. I can just whisper to Marie and kind of telegraph things. What do you do when you're in pain? I went to the naked divorce naked recovery Actually, we'll put that up on the screen right here By the way, there's a link below to check this out but talk about the naked just the worst naked recovery So she was very um It really helped. I'll just say that it really helped you have to take a look at not just the relationship But everything about you as well. So I did the in person two week program But um, you can do it online and she does do it via zoom and I I don't know what was the benefit of doing it The benefit of doing it you're doing this program. Oh, I needed to heal. I needed to get you know, just move on The reason why you did this was because you were in so much blank. I was in so much pain but the um And therapy I just therapy wasn't going to work fast enough. I just wanted to feel better Yeah So this was like it's kind of like intense therapy when you do it on in person So you're so the first principle for change or is that you're hurting enough That you have to change Yeah, right So the second principle for change is you see enough and you're inspired to change Oh Okay, so I I like to think of us as you know not I don't mean this egotistical or anyone I like to think we're role models And when I see what my point is if you see enough good experiences It inspires you for more experiences. So one of the fundamental principles I talk about in my book Is personal development self-help and spiritual work and hopefully you and I but and I know in my when I'm shooting my own videos I'm encouraging everyone to see the value Of Making individual changes in your life, you know one woman wrote me and she said jonathan I've heard your story. You were in you were, you know, you were destitute at one point You had this high paying corporate job. You found yourself back living in with your parents You were literally on the verge of committing, you know going to bed wishing you didn't wake up I And and it occurred to me I was hurting so much that I had to make a change and that was investing in my Individual growth just like when you invested in your individual growth And my hope is by watching this channel by watching these conversations that invites you Vites everyone to make changes in their life. So for a man, it might not be he's hurting so much Maybe he sees something that requires him to change In other words, he sees a happy couple. Maybe he watches a tony robbins Video and wants to go and improve his professional life whatever he sees and says I want to emulate that That's an opportunity for a person to change now the third principle Is that they learn enough that they want to They learn enough that they want to change So um, but it's not enough to want to change They have to take the steps Well, okay, so these are okay So you when you've witnessed like watching the channel for example when you've learned enough and you go, oh my gosh I have to make a change in my life. Yeah, it's through this learning experience. Maybe it's going to school Maybe it's going to workshops. Maybe it's going to couples workshops through the experience of learning It gives us an opportunity to change Provided that our ego doesn't get in the way That's what your point is. It's not enough to want to you have to do the things to make the changes Now what's interesting the last principle is that they receive enough and they're able to change they receive enough Okay, so this is where I'm a little confused as well But here's what I'm thinking And this is the danger trap most women get into If I just give him enough love he will change That's not going to work. Have you you're familiar with this, right? You think you talk about that for a second? well, I um, I was in couples counseling in my marriage and When I went to see her when I had just had enough and I just couldn't I wasn't sure how to end it because we never learned how to get to Morse. I didn't know how to get married much Let's get to work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Um, and she said to me that behaviors Can be modified If they, you know, if all of these things that they're they're willing to but personality traits you cannot change That's so true.  I think we all can grow But it's highly unlikely behaviors can change but personality is rather rigid and Narcissistic personality disorder. Yeah, you better just hang it up because you're not going to change Who they are that's who they are And they can't even acknowledge that there's an issue much less do something about it So I okay, and I'm in full agreement and coming back to my premise I think women oftentimes believe if I give so much This person will change the problem with that premise is I'm a full I'm a huge believer of giving love I'm a full believer of giving love However, without compromising yourself respect that we talked about before So I think it's beautiful to give love and that's certainly an opportunity for a person to change But they have to be able to change. That's the key point if their personality is fixed Then it's gonna it's gonna be hard for them even no matter how much you give It's almost impossible. They're unable to change if their personality is fixed behaviors can change taking the toilet seat down That's something that can be changed. Okay you know, um People change Like you said when when there's an issue that Creates them to want to change. Yeah, but you have to acknowledge that there's a problem to change it Like a lot of people just they don't they can't even acknowledge They can't take the feedback Remember we're talking about this one couple that the they had an issue with snoring And he just simply said to her live with it deal with it. Yeah deal with it In other words, it's your problem. Not my problem. And I thought this is where That's a couple that's not operating as a team You know, by the way folks one of the things I appreciate most about marie and I hope you feel the same Is we operate like a team? It's like how can we It's like two heads are better than one, you know, and sometimes you I take the lead on things Sometimes you take the lead on things we both have our strength. You're the I'm the head the neck the torso. No, I'm just kidding. I'm totally kidding. Um, but my point is Is a healthy relationship is an exchange of both people mutually investing in one another and it's not about 50 50 No, it's a hundred a hundred. It's exactly a hundred a hundred I'm not a fan of the idea of 50 50 relationships I'm a fan of two people putting a hundred percent Mutually in the relationship and they they amplify each other's strengths, right? A hundred a hundred doesn't mean that you're both a hundred at the same time all the time Yeah, but when you recognize that the other person is down then you pick up the slack No, it's yeah, that's how So so we have a trip we have a trip to hawaii plan Well, she's been there before she's the best at like searching all the websites to see where the best deal is She knows how to get the coupon codes and everything even figure out how to get our airfare for 150 bucks for the both of us Generally, that's her strength. Okay. I could be in my ego saying I'm the man and I have to plan this trip and do everything The best relationships are where you rely you actually you acknowledge and and Amplify each other's strengths Yeah, like you're good at folding clothes and I'm good at putting it away I don't like putting clothes only towels because towels stack very nicely Of course our our clothing all smells nice because she's put these little pink beads inside the the washing machine to make them all smell Nice so coming back to the power of walking away changes a man's behavior folks. I think that's garbage I think you can temporarily Change someone's for momentary sometimes But the real power of walking away is what did you say in the beginning?  Please let us know Hey, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this post a comment below if it did resonate with you Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel Hit that notification bell and by the way if you want to connect with me in the description of this video Or ways to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group to follow me on instagram and I mentioned marine mentioned The naked recovery naked divorce ask click the link below ask for Adele mention our names And I think she's going to give you a $50 discount For one of her programs. So check that out and if you go to her website or the website they have They have the testimonials and you'll see me there And that was a long time ago and it's still there and you look exactly the same No, I'm a totally different person. I think there it's it's actually that was something very interesting to go back and see Because that was in 2016 17. Okay, and and to read to listen to myself speak about What I was going through was like wow I watched it. It was pretty cool. So okay, so check out the link below for that. All right It's time for q&a If you have a question Write the word question in the chat box. Okay, then post the question thereafter Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign the chat box All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son connor asley That's a picture of him right there He's my son who passed away five years ago next week And in his honor, I donate to causes like the hoffman process insight institute and seeds of love Seeds of love is located in cali columbia and it's an orphanage for children that have been abandoned by their parents And they are terminal and this woman takes care of them. It's a really great foundation Yeah, so in columbia, right columbia. All right, and where are you from? I'm from cartagena columbia. Okay I've got this great little uh, cartagena, right columbian princess and my queen in my life. Excuse me goddess Hey, look, we already got a super sticker from margaret. Thank you so much We really appreciate the seven dollar and nine nine cent super sticker. All right. If you have a question post a question below Um melanie says I appreciate you are good role models in the old saying there is There is no i in team exactly you cannot make the horse drink water I do agree kimberley goes on to write self respect Hey giving you props there kimberley. That's exactly it As anna says wow marie.  But I don't I like doing it for myself for fun.  Yeah Well, you'd love to do this all day long with all the different websites and see what kind of deals we can get So I appreciate that from you margaret says yes, if their personalities are very hard to change It's very hard to see your faults. But if you can if you can it's best thing ever I would agree So, you know what I want to share with oh, let's see if we got some more questions come in. All right um T davis says yes marie. I get that about going back and listening to what you said It's like reading what you've written in a journal from years ago. Exactly. Good point. Yes Okay zen gal has a question Um, my guy seems like he gets his his x involved with random projects. It bugs me thoughts Hmm That's a tough one. Um You know, I have a very good relationship with my ex and um You can't control how other people behave How does his current wife feel about your communication with him? Oh, no, by the way, this is the father of her children by the way um Yeah, she was great and nice and everything in the beginning and then at some point she turned into an amber herd So in this particular case you you'd like to have a good relationship with your ex not that you need to talk to him all the time She's a nice lady. She's I don't know what but I want to come back This is a point where a guy is is involving his ex in little projects and that bugs her Well, then you have to take it out on him. He's the one that you have to question not her No, she's not saying her, you know, but it bugs her. Okay, so so The real root of this is why does it bother you? Like what is it about that that bothers you? Do you feel like and I can recognize you might think it's inappropriate But just remember if this is a marriage in your case It was 20 some odd years and your ex is a doctor and sometimes you ask for little things that relate to doctor Uh, I mean not to doctor medical issues medical issues, you know, I'm using that as an example, but Rather than view it from a negative How about view it from a positive that he's being loving to another human being? You know, what you have to really ask yourself Is there a deficiency in your relationship that causes you to feel maybe jealous the fact that it bugs you If there's a deficiency in your relationship I would address that rather than the than the fact that he might help his ex on occasion Now it could mean that he still cares for his ex. That's quite possible He might still have feelings for her. You may still want to get back together Those are really good questions to uncover Thankfully your ex-husband doesn't want to get back together with you My ex my ex-wife by the way, it's her birthday today. Oh, is it wife?  We played pickleball with a nice lady. Yeah She she treated us to her uh tennis club and we had a good time You see, I think it's important to have a good standing relationship with an ex if possible However, there's boundaries and most importantly there isn't that desire to get back together with them You only feel like the you know, your ex-husband's current wife. She feels threatened But that's because there's a deficiency in their relationship. Not because you're doing anything wrong Okay, that's my two cents on all that stuff. I hope that helped Condra says Jonathan, I suggest you lower your voice a little when you yell like that It doesn't make more convincing what you're saying I can't help that. That's my tone of voice. You know, and sometimes I do yell that's called passion But thank you for pointing out. He doesn't yell at me. I don't yell at you. No. Oh, I'm gonna start now. Just kidding Lulu writes question. Is it a bad thing to marry a man who's a sex addict? Is it a red flag? He told me that he was addictive Do you have a thought on that?  No, I'm just kidding I need a mint I certainly do I do appreciate a person that has this Healthy libido. Okay. Now if that libido cannot be controlled, in other words, they got to go spread their seed everywhere They have to jump your bones every 10 minutes That could be problematic. Is it a red flag a red flag? I want to remind everyone There's a difference between a deal breaker and a red flag A deal this this could be a deal breaker for you. Okay a red flag merely means ask more questions It means you have to find out if this falls into the category of deal breaker Or it falls into the category of something that you can accept Is it a bad thing to marry a man is a sex addict? It could be very problematic. That could be a big concern And the fact that he said he was addictive. I think he's telegraphing.  Did later on down the road I can't be trusted. I you know, I feel like he's telegraphing ahead of time and What was the beginning? What was the first two words you said out of your mouth when we started this broadcast? Self-respect says what what does self-respect do in this particular case marie? Self-respect. You know what? I wouldn't um, I would ask more questions. Yes, because I want to know was Is he kidding? Is it like a real addiction or? Well, I think even in jest That's that's just a that's probably a powder keg waiting to happen. I just remembered I did go to a meet and greet that somebody that I met okay and he said That he has a very high sex drive and he has to have Sex at least once a day every day at least Oh, I like this guy And and I thought, you know, the guy that's saying that on the first meeting I'm not gonna waste any more time. Well, certainly he's trying to get a temperature gauge at where you stand in that, you know, but I think it's inappropriate to bring that up on a first meet But certainly he's that's that was important to him and he's looking for someone else that sees it that way Does that mean he's a sex addict? I don't know it could be So I remember when he called me. Yeah to go out again I told him that I just didn't think that we were compatible And then he's like, what do you mean? Like, well, I like to have sex once a month But I mean like that by the way, that's not true Just the whole To lead with that and like it's not about building a relationship It's about focusing on the basal, you know, the base instincts of a person and not something more What did your profile say you wanted? Deeply connected relationship. Yeah, long term relationship that may lead to mutual trust and admiration. Oh, you got it down Anna writes question. Jonathan is your ex-wife remarried. She is uh, been with someone for the last I think 15 years wait 2007. So yeah 15 years. She's been with uh, adam literally practically a step-father to my children Um for a long time and they're not married, but they've lived together for a decade and a half. So Okay, that answers that question. All right Wanda says the last thing I would want to be with is a sex addict be a sex addiction with a man. I'm not there I get it all right Melanie says What if couples is having what if the couple is having a hard time agreeing to disagree if not willing to compromise? What what can help? People that are not flexible So Well, there's I think they're I think it's okay to agree to disagree with principles Okay, if fundamentally, okay, I'll give an example that couple that uh, that came to our house You know that when we camp, um They really had a big issue on the the vaccine the covid vaccine And one of them was very much, you know 4 4 4 the vaccine and the other one was very against against against and this is a Halfably married couple they get along in so many different ways But they had two different principles with this and eventually in fact, I counseled them at one point And I you know, this is one of those where you just have to agree to disagree So they both didn't get the vaccine. No one did and one didn't You know, but that was and and there was a big, you know a big issue In fact, by the way, the covid vaccine came this close to breaking up a lot of marriages in my community Because there are some people that were very much against it and some couple, you know One person in the relationship was very for it. So coming back to the idea of agreeing to disagree You know, I think agreeing to disagree doesn't mean you abdicate your position It just means that my position my truth is true for me And your truth is true for you I think when we get when our ego says I have to be right And you have to be wrong That's where problems happen and one of the things a friend of mine once said to me Would you rather be right or would you be ha rather be happy? Yeah I'm sure there's things in even in our relationship. You've compromised because you'd rather be right than be happy I'd rather be Rather be I'm sorry, I'm giving you all the power to be right Uh, I'll do a willy walk a scratch that reverse it. Uh, you'd rather be happy than right Yes, okay And and that's part of a healthy relationship is to be able to resolve conflicts By the way, one of the key traits to a successful Happy relationship is the ability to resolve conflicts if you're not familiar with the work of The gothmans. Um, I'm going to reach over here and grab this book There's two books. I want everyone to check out One book is called eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman and then seven principles for making a marriage work By the way, scratch out the word marriage and replace it with uh relationship There are two huge chapters in these books that talk about conflict resolution in each book That is a key To a healthy happy relationship the ability to resolve conflict and one of the fundamental principles in revolts resolving conflict Is not about being right Okay, it's about choosing a happy path and sometimes when you're at an impasse. It's okay to disagree to agree to disagree You're smiling.  You're not respect.  Then why do I want to be with you anymore? I think sometimes we have to smack people upside the nose and say look If you're going to be so rigid here, then why do I want to even be in a relationship with you?   Excuse my french Well, those friends that are that are Separating That's that's kind of what happened. Well, they reached an impasse and by the way, you know, I just he was Not flexible. I am not a big fan of people who have rigid ideologies or rigid Um perceptions of how things should be, you know, this is what causes Conflict this is what causes wars when you say I have to be right And you're wrong and if you can't let something go Do you really want to be in relationship with a person like that? That's just my two cents on it All right. Thanks so much for that question late lady luna Why does a man send pictures and texts to let me know What he is doing on a daily basis, but doesn't engage when I share what I'm doing It shows no interest in me and why does he even bother? Oh, did you have a thought meddied? Oh god. Okay. So you tell by the way, this is a Tell the story. This is a guy that I I never I didn't meet um, and But he you know, we we spoke on the phone and he would send me pictures of every Place he went to so he was every bar.  Yeah, something. Yeah. So then I'm like, hey, I used to live in the city I don't have a problem going there. So we we meet And it was, you know, the four seasons bar. It was the ritz carlton bar and then You know, and he he ordered appetizers and stuff, but after that I didn't talk to him anymore because that's all he did was send me pictures of You know, masros and you know tavern and this and that and I'm like this guy goes out every single night of the week This is not the kind of person that that I but okay, so let's get to the root of this He mostly talked about himself. It was all about his show So there are a lot of people that are operate from a place of if I'm interesting You will be interested. Okay. I want to invite everyone to shift that narrative It's all about whether or not you are interested in them It's not about professing how interesting you are as a person allows someone to Be curious to invite that conversation But at the same time be curious to find out about them Learn about being interested instead of focusing on being interesting Which in this particular case this person a lot of men operate. This is the peacock Type of thing. Yeah, if I show you how wonderful you are, you're gonna want to be with me I'm not a big fan of peacocking. I'm a big fan of being curious And then determine are you really genuinely interested with this person based on their character? Versus what they have to show on the outside. And by the way, the reason why he was called matt hinge is his last name in your Phone or your address book was the dating app you met on By the way, we both we've we've gone through and deleted all We went through I still have I still got I've got people with the last name bumble And hinge and match and millionaire match and okay cupid. Just the name. I don't have any Well, mine was m match It was either jenny match or uh, you know, uh Or jena m match All right Let's keep going here. Oh, here's one from of our member from our facebook group By the way folks if you'd like to have direct access to me on a regular basis check out the link below to midlife love mastery This is one of our members Writing in saying What is the difference between tantric sex and lovemaking? I'm still looking for my lifetime soulmate Did you have something to share? No, okay waiting for you Well, I think tantric sex and lovemaking can actually be the same thing So tantra is I believe like a derivative of yoga. It's all about learning Breathing techniques and connecting techniques. There's tantric workshops. There's things called pujas where you can be with a partner and learn non-sexual ways to connect with your partner mostly through breathing exercises The breath is a very powerful tool to connect with your heart one of the things I always say breathe Oh, you don't do that as much anymore. Well, I know because you're already, you know, you've mellowed out since we first met in a good way I don't ask you to breathe as much my point is you're learning to center What that does is it helps you become present and when you're present You become when you're present in your lovemaking it actually amplifies the sexual experience So with respects to your question, there's really no difference between the two It's just a technique to actually connect at a more heart-centered level Uh through breathing techniques. So I hope that helps And one of our members says google tantric sex exactly Um, what would you do without google? What would we do without google? The encyclopedia. What did we do without world book in britannica? Does anyone remember world book in britannica? I want to give miracles some props for the five dollar super sticker Thank you so much. We appreciate that All right, rebecca's in the house My boyfriend of five months just told me he's not ready for me to attend a family reunion this saturday His parents are deceased. I've met his son and he's ready for me to meet his daughter um Oh And the question is continued. How should I take this?  I should say um, I didn't feel And by the way, we talked about it, but I didn't feel this pressing need to go and and let me tell you why i'm gonna This was an opportunity for you to connect with family with cousins with with people part of your your ex's life And I would have just been a distraction and I would have been someone you would have had to babysit Right. Well, that's why we talked about it because I just didn't think Um, it was the right thing at that time I mean, he didn't know anybody there and it's not the time to meet people So but in your situation like I'm not understanding this you've met the kids, but these are well, let me let me Yeah, so where I want to go with this.  I've spent time with your kids. I've even stayed the house with your kids So by the time that happened Um, but the only reason why I didn't go the funeral is there was going to be so many people I didn't know I didn't want you to have to babysit me and my guess is That's probably that's the reason there's going to be lots of people there that it's just too much He wants to probably I have the freedom to visit with anybody without having to It's like going to a high school reunion and bringing a partner like I mean that would be like torture So I brought my best friend who's a guy from back then And that was fun because he knew people because he went to the same school as you know He didn't but he knew people that you knew Yeah, I would never want to go to one of your reunions And I don't think I'd want you to come to one of my so it's just That's just my two cents on that rebecca. That's my gut feeling on that one.   I wouldn't hate you Um, but I I think that's a really cruel thing that and anytime you say to someone I hate you That's a really cruel thing now. That's a strong word. That's a strong word now I could be jealous of something you do Yeah, yeah, like your ability to travel with with ease kind of thing and I always You know have panic attacks. Okay. That's an exit. By the way, that's such an exaggeration But we play with it so I could say god, I hate you, you know But I might be hating you for something that I want within myself Yeah, but that's you're joking around with so I don't know if that's the that's where I'm just going with this I'm throwing this out there.  Yeah, like I hate that So it's again the context matters. So in this particular case kimberley context matters So if there's more you'd like to share, please let us know. All right miracle Dating a nice nice kind guy. I like him. He's not the best at communicating and maybe sometimes not emotionally intelligent We are both aware of it.  Thank you hmm Well, first, um, you know, I I I love the idea of leading by example by starting to expressing yourself And one of the things that I think is really a good exercise for couples Is to on a regular basis Practice gratitude with one another. I think it's important to express to each other what you're most grateful for about each other Gratitude is a powerful tool to connect with your heart and something marie and I do on a regular basis is share What we're grateful for about each other the little things and also the big things Mine do Excuse me He's the one that initiates that because i'm not Communicative in that way. I well, I do you know, I am thankful and for well words isn't necessarily your strongest love language, you know So I happen to be we jokingly say i'm the chick. She's the guy and what that really means is I have been blessed over the last decade and a half to really be able to tap into My capacity To be expressive. I wasn't a very expressive person throughout my life And through these experiences and certainly losing my son That cracked my heart open in a way. I couldn't imagine When I chose to grieve through love I recognize the importance of of expressing gratitude Because when I lost my son my last words were to him my last physical experience with him was a hug and kiss and I love you And in that five years ago going through this experience of loss. I I think it's important to emote Not everybody it's not a strength of theirs. It's not a strength of yours and I push you You know and he does And sometimes I push back You push back and at the same time I do believe that and and you when you do emote when you are Expressive you really come from a genuine heart centered space See that's what I mean. Like if you let it happen naturally Oh, then I'd be waiting for the coming of you know, you know my old age That's a joke. But my point is practice gratitude That's a great technique to connect with one another at a heart center level. Do you agree with that? Okay, say something nice to me now. I'm just kidding All right, let's keep going If you have a question write the word question then post the question there. Oh, here we go lady luna writes I dated a widower with kids who clearly didn't want to be my boyfriend But invited me to go to a concert with him and his son. I declined because I felt awkward about it confusing, right? uh Well, okay, so there okay, so did the two of you have sex together because that changes the dynamic and everything, okay He didn't want to be your boyfriend, but he was certainly willing to take you to a concert Well, if there was no sex involved then you are merely a friend to each other. Have you talked about? Dating have you talked about a relationship? Have you been physically intimate with one another if he clearly says he doesn't Didn't want doesn't want to be your boyfriend He's what he's saying is I don't want you to be my girlfriend And what does a what was the first two words of this broadcast called? The power oh Yeah, so self-respect.  It's certainly at least on a physical level with a relationship. It doesn't mean you can't be But yes, it is confusing depending on the context that we're talking about Do you also think dating widowers? Comes with its own challenges, you know, you did bring up a good point young kids and Widowers especially if they genuinely love their spouse.  Do you want to be with someone? It's not about him calling you you calling him his boyfriend?  He was Greek So, um, my ex-wife's mother married a widower And uh, he was married, I believe for 25 years had several children with these With his first wife and then I think it was three years later that he met Sheila and they got married And he correspondently spent another 25 26 years Which Sheila in fact, I believe he was married to her longer than his first wife because she died rather young And what was interesting, uh, when we uh, and he passed away by the way, he was 93 years old Sheila is pretty old right now too. What was interesting at the funeral I thought the children hated the stepmom They said I remember one of the grandchildren got up and said I am so grateful Sheila You came into my grandfather's life. You brought him joy. You brought him fun You brought him a sense of adventure And and I could see the children the other I mean there were there was a tear in their eye I mean I I mean I was tearing up to hear that because You know, it's not that you don't honor the person in your life But it's also making room that you can have a beautiful life with someone else, you know And by the way, he was 60 when he met her So and I think she was in her late 50s. So anyway, um, that's my two cents on that Sammy wants to remind us of the room. We quote your heart has to be broken to let it open That is so true Okay, let's keep going Jane wants to remind us the power of walking away must do it if it's done Not so show not show Wait, if he does not show it and let you know he likes you I'm not sure I understand the English there, but the grammar there, but please forgive me. Let's keep going here Marie I joined facebook dating app. I still like my location showing. How do I stay safe true Jonathan, I'm a widower Oh widow She's asking you question for Marie. Oh, what she said Jonathan Oh, no, Marie. How do I stay true? Oh, she did say Jonathan Well, she's talking about her location showing. How do you feel about showing your location? Well, I mean, I would do a general location, but in facebook it is I think you can put change your location. Yeah, like my location. I live in redondo beach, but I put down Los Angeles, you know, I would say chicago and like chicago's so big, you know So yeah, I think you could put a general location. Okay uh Let's see Tell it Jonathan about the widower story. Wow. I love that story about uh, sheila. So Let's see What about physical wait, what about dating physically physical men without missing an arm or a leg? With okay, I went about dating someone who's missing an arm or a leg You know, here's my feeling about people that are you know in that type of position whatever it is whatever you know, I think typically Meeting someone for the first time and then knowing that they have something like that. That's going to be a hard thing to accept That they're missing an arm. They're missing a leg these types of things, right? I think for most people that's a hard thing to accept But hear me out. I met somebody that told me they had um parkinson's Okay, and I didn't know much about parkinson's and so I once I did all the research I thought gosh, I don't want to sign up for that Yeah, so okay, so that's it was hard for you to accept that. So my point is Typically, I think people in those positions tend to find meet people who they already know they're already in their social circle and they already appreciate the person's personality They're person versus the physical aspects one of the challenges with dating today is we hyper focus on the physical And we spend very little time getting to know a person's character. And that's just the that's just a fact of life I think in these particular for his case Let's talk about him His best bet is to meet women to date women who he already has a relationship with who he's made a friendship with And ask them women those women out on well, I mean somebody that's I know someone that dated A guy that was missing a leg Yeah, but I mean he had a prosthetic leg and he didn't tell her till down the road Oh, yeah, he didn't care by the way, there was a oh my god. What was it a tv show where that happened I can't think of which one it was but uh, okay, so Well, even but didn't uh wait wait who's paul mccartney. Yeah, his wife was had a prosthetic leg So my point is though most likely my advice for the person is that you're you know It's it's rare that someone accepts that out of the chute not saying it isn't going to happen Okay, however, most likely when you connect with people, you know who know your personality have a greater chance of success in those cases That's just my perception on that That's a tough one. Yeah By the way, you have a friend who's missing missing both legs and one arm And is he in a relationship with anyone? Uh, he hasn't been in a relationship in a couple of years But he's he's got a dynamic personality and he is thankful for everything in his life He was blown up in iraq. Oh I was just thinking of who's that guy that's got that little flipper of a leg. He's missing arms missing legs And he's nick vasuci or something like that And he's married to a really attractive woman.  Of course it's going to change your relationship because you're going to be a different person if you're clean and sober So so most okay, so here's what happens when people go through some sort of transformational change It oftentimes puts them in a position to evaluate their relationship with a new set of eyes And the other person is evaluating the relationship now With looking at you from different eyes and sometimes and this happens frequently when people go to Personal development workshops like life spring or hoffman and they come back and they say, you know what? I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. It hasn't been fulfilling. I haven't been in my power I'm going to go invest in myself for a while So can it change absolutely that is possible Or it can bring the two of you together by the way doing this work together And I believe within 12 step programs couples can be involved together. I believe I'm not sure Okay, I'm not a hundred percent sure this also happens when like when people have the dramatic weight loss And now they're different people. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, is that happening on the housewives? No, I'm just kidding No, they're all like super skinny because they're but taking some drugs. I know I'm kidding Okay. All right. So I hope that helps Uh Jane says missing an arm and leg should be okay to date, right?  Okay All right, let's keep going. Let's see Let's see Okay, here we go You got time for a few more questions. My boyfriend says he's very good friends with his ex He says he's absolutely not interested in her anymore, but I'm afraid she still might have feelings for him thoughts Well, that's the problem with my ex husband and his wife She seems to think that I want him And I'm the one that initiated the divorce to begin with But we've you know, we've come full circle and and I love him dearly He's the father of my children, but I Okay, so you can't um, but have a rational conversation with people that have irrational thoughts and They're you can't okay. So she's the person that has the problem with the ex So this is on you iris. Yes, okay. You have to recognize that I'm afraid she still might have feelings for him. Well, that's a fear going on inside of you Do you have evidence that he has feelings for her?  Yeah, you know, I'm as nice as could be um Recently though, she really did cross some boundaries And I decided that I'm just not even going to listen to anything She has to say because I already tried explaining things to her and it So the point is don't become like her Be a person in your empowerment And don't allow that. No, I'm talking about the person who wrote that. Okay. She's acting like your ex's ex, you know White so don't become like her one of these people that's going to start to create drama Get a hold of your thoughts and feelings because this is all on you This has nothing to do with him if you're afraid she still might have feelings now If there's evidence then you operate from a different perspective. Okay. Okay by the way, the Jane says, oh the religious guy nick vasuchik So I didn't know how to pronounce it. I don't know about his religion. I think he's a motivational speaker all right Hey leaps is in the house. I was listening while I worked not easy But glad I did hit the like button everyone. Thank you. Marie and jonathan have a lovely evening I think we're off to go have a cocktail tonight Uh, it's happy our time. This is your best show yet. Great questions. Very thoughtful answers Thank you so much jonathan and marie. We appreciate that didi Well, I just said we're gonna go wrap up tonight and share a cocktail with one another just as a reminder Playing power games like walking away hoping someone will change might temporarily work But quite frankly, it's only temporary and even then it's a it's game playing to actually the four ways a person changes They're they're hurting enough That they have to change they see enough that they're inspired to change They learn enough that they want to change and they receive enough that they're able to change Those are four principles of making change in an individual's life And it is not incumbent upon you to change anyone It is up to them to want to shift within their life and don't use game playing never ever ever works And if it does it just temporarily works And I don't want to have you believe that a temporary experience is a good experience It's like crying wolf. Yeah crying wolf. Exactly. Yeah All right, folks, we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do I'm gonna reach you. Oh, by the way really quickly if you like this content, please hit that like button Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel hit the notification bell in the description below Is a way to connect with me to schedule a discovery call with me to follow me on instagram Uh and all the links to get the books we recommend it tonight And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always am giving you a picture again at joint embarrass I got one back. Of course. Thank you, sweetheart. All right, everyone. Thanks so much I want to say good night to jane and kimberley kimberley's in the house and alana and zen gal and wandon anna and jane and margaret and huna and iris and didi and leafs and margaret I said that uh everyone. Thanks so much. Have a fab evening. Bye now. Bye


At the beginning of April 2022, pop music icon Madonna shocked the entire world and showed her legion of fans when she showed up on TikTok looking well not exactly like her everyday self. I guess there's a good reason why they call her the queen of reinvention. Because in that brief video, it sure looks like the material girl has more than lived up to her litany of nicknames by getting some extreme work done on her face. But is that what's really going on here or is there something else at play? How much plastic surgery has Madonna even had done to her body in the first place? Well stick around because you're about to learn the answers to those questions on this Madonna before and after video. When it comes to plastic surgery, the golden rule should probably be less is more. But excess is more or less a modern day celebrity's standard operating procedure. Some long time beautiful celebrities like Chrissy Teigen and yes, even Madonna are even becoming cautionary tales with experts winging in to warn us that, you know, while some trendy procedures might start out looking subtle, they add up over the time and they can blow up in your face. And Madonna? She's no plastic surgery virgin even if she's never admitted to having work done in the first place. In fact, in a scene during her 1991 rockumentary called Truth or Dare, Madonna mocked the very idea of ever having plastic surgery when she promised that her entire body is bonafide, the real thing. Nonetheless, Thurman signs throughout her career that she's had a series of cosmetic enhancements over the years. And according to the M.K.A.N. Health Network's team of surgeons, Madonna's first surgery was likely a brow lift that happened sometime in her early 30s. Since then, it's believed that she's had a series of face lifts with the first one probably taking place around the age of 37. And a second one having been performed some 10 years later in 2005. That being said, the first time we knew for sure that Madonna had work done probably when her face was profiled on a 2008 New York magazine cover story entitled The New New Face. Come to think of it, that headlines a bit on the nose. At the time, Madonna had never admitted to having filler done. In fact, she still hasn't admitted it, but still, it's speculated. It wasn't until around 2012 that Madonna's tone regarding plastic surgery began to change in the public eye. That's when she spoke with English media outlet The Mirror and told them, I am certainly not against plastic surgery. However, I am absolutely against having to discuss it. Despite her hesitation to openly discuss the topic, experts predict that Madonna has had somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 plus injections to her face over the last two decades, and that her excessive use of the technique made it impossible for the look to dissolve. So this, on top of her earlier facelift procedures, has resulted in what's now an alien-like appearance with an overfilled upper face and a narrow lower face. Some would even suggest Madonna's new look went to step too far with Dr. Lawrence retelling the New York Post. It's unnatural, squarish, and mannish. Instead of making it flush, they overfilled it. The chin to the jawbone should be a smooth transition. They added too much. This is a case of injections gone bad. What Dr. Reed is talking about is something called dermal fillers. They're made out of a natural compound known as hyaluronic acid, a substance that normally dissolves between six and 12 months. And it's what Madonna likely had injected into her face to give herself this appearance. Another popular option is to use your own body fat instead of a dermal filler, but taking excess fat from, say, your stomach and injecting it into your face can also lead to problems.  That just sounds scary. Regardless of which option you choose, the treatment is meant to smooth lines and boost volume. For the most part, these fillers have largely been used by women over 40 since 1981, but more recently, women in their 20s have been using them too. After all, we do live in the selfie generation. But here's the truth about face injections. If you go overboard, your cheeks puff up to pillow-like proportions, and your lips can do the same. That's why it's called the pillow face. And Madonna is not the only celebrity who has suffered from it. 13 years later, Madge would stun us all once again when she showed up to the 2021 MTV Video Music Awards looking like a whole different person in face and body. This time, an overly inflated face wasn't the only thing fans noticed about Madonna's new look. She's also taken aback by the suddenly booming size of her chest. Now look, Madonna's never exactly been lacking in that particular part of her body, but those, they look new. It's quite possible she's simply wearing the greatest push-up bra of all time. I mean, so it's hard to know if she's had breast implants for sure. What's easier to determine is that she most definitely had butt implants, as her caboose increased in size around 2019. Without a doubt, the most alarmed Madonna's fans have ever become about her change in appearance, was when she recently posted a TikTok with a close-up of her face in which she looks startlingly different. And while it most definitely seems like Madonna's had some fresh work done, it's possible that the situation has been exaggerated with the use of a filter. If you watch that video again a little bit closer, you'll see that her eyelashes flicker back and forth right as her arm crosses her face, meaning that her look is definitely being virtually altered to some effect. Shortly after posting that clip, her fans reacted in different ways, most in concern, with one in particular writing in the comments, I'm uncomfortable. But no amount of social media hate is ever going to stop someone as trailblazing as Madonna from looking the way that she wants and sharing it with the world. Even when Instagram tried to censor her by pulling down some images of her new body, she simply re-uploaded them with some minor alterations. Long story short, you can learn a whole bunch of valuable lessons from Madonna's plastic surgeries. Unfortunately, most of those lessons come at the queen of pops expense. But for a woman of 63, there's no denying that Madonna still looks pretty remarkable, just not exactly natural. Remember, all things in life are best served by moderation. Live by that rule and you'll probably be fine. But moderation and celebrity are two things that do not go very well together. Alright everyone, that is going to bring this latest edition of Before and After to a close. Be sure to sound off in the comments down below and let us know what you think about Madonna's ever-changing looks. Which new look had you most concerned for her well-being at the time? My name is Kara, please remember to like, subscribe and follow me on Instagram to chat. Thanks for watching and I'll see all of you in another video. Bye!


In the preceding video, we used instance of to check an object's runtime type before casting it to the type we needed to make the compiler happy. You might have been wondering what the limits are on casting, if any. Let's find out. In this program, I've created a geometric object, a circle, and a rectangle. In this example, I'm taking the circle and casting it to geometric object, which has a getArea method that returns zero. The compiler is happy with this. What's going to happen when I run this program? Am I going to get a zero, which is the result of geometric objects, getArea method? Or will I get a number that's not equal to zero because at runtime I still have a circle with a radius of three? Let's find out. And the answer is you can't fool the Java virtual machine runtime. It knows at runtime that the object is still a circle and it still calls circles getArea method. Now let's try casting a superclass to a subclass. In this case, I'm taking the geometric object and telling the compiler to treat it as a circle and then do a getArea. Let's see what happens now. The compiler likes it, but at runtime the Java virtual machine tells me that a geometric object cannot be cast to a circle. Finally, what happens when we try to cast one subclass to another subclass? In this case, I'm attempting to cast a circle object to a rectangle class. And the compiler will tell us, no, you can't do that, these are incompatible types. The moral of the story? Always use instance of to make sure that you are casting to an object's correct class at runtime.