We've got Gilbert on the show today Just getting you ready The people from ICE are now separating mothers from their children Are they even licensed to perform abortions? Gilbert Godfrey's on the show today. Just getting you ready So is Jackie the joke man and Sarah Tiana. I'm just telling you It's 3 a.m. March 24th 2017 I'm David Feldman. We have a lot of show. Let's get right to it Welcome to broadcast. I'm David Feldman David Feldman show.com on today's program Gilbert Godfreyed Jackie the joke man Martling and comedian Sarah Tiana. We're putting out an album each month We're gonna put out about five to ten minutes, and then we're gonna put it all together at the end of the year Alex Brazell our executive producer and Jeremy are putting it together. We're going to give you 10 minutes Yes, and you can donate what you want go to David Feldman show.com This weekend starting tomorrow.  I will go away. I promise you I will go away Gilbert Godfrey's on the show Jackie the joke man Sarah Tiana Share this episode. Please copy and paste it and share it with all your friends We're gonna loosen you up a little with some Jackie the joke man I just want to get you in the mood for Gilbert. So first we're gonna hear Jackie Then we're gonna go to Gilbert and then we're gonna Have a sorbet and cleanse our palate with the brilliant comic Sarah Tiana As a new book out called the joke man Bow to stern. Yes very nautical. Yes, it's bow to stern and we're in a coffee shop here in Beautiful Manhattan. Yes, sir, and it's an honor to be with Jackie the joke man I know for the honor David, but this is great. You're looking well. What is bow to stern about bow to stern? It's About half about me and my life and my route to get to the stern show and then the other half is of The adventures on the stern show and it's not really a tell all because everybody knows everything about the show But it's from my point of view and it's hopefully interesting and funny and everybody will love it And it's for sale at Jackie the joke man calm and that leads you right to the Amazon link and it's selling well already It's coming out October 24th. People are ordering it for a holiday gifts October 24th this year. This is the end of March Yeah, what do you do for April Fool's Day? Jackie the joke man. I look down Is that a special day for you? No, it's amateur day. It's like it's like New Year's Eve Nobody goes drinking on New Year's Eve. It's amateur day. You could get hurt. Do you do pranks? Hmm. Do you ever do pranks? Not in a long time, but you know, I get a kick out of pranks You know, I like watching people pull pranks stuttering John used to Scott the engineer's wife used to call every five seconds So John used to tape down the buttons To the phone and the phone would ring and Scott would be doing ten things that wants in a phone ring And he'd reach over with his third arm and pick up the phone to answer it But keep ringing because the buttons would tape down And it was funny every time because when you repeat the same my favorite prank I don't know if you call it a prank But one year. Thank you one year if somebody just returned my scarf for you people that don't have video The day after Halloween one year the oldest worst kids joke in the world I the other rider on the stunt show was Fred Norris and I wrote a note and Howard said Fred Take off the mask I put the I put the line up every couple days for a couple months and it got less funny to Fred, which of course Fun like oh, you know here it is in March Fred take off the mask That's kind of a prank. How did you meet Howard? I sent him my Three comedy albums. I have three comedy self-produced comedy albums out in 1982 And I was sending them all over the world and I was working at Garvins in Washington, DC And they say Harry Monacruzo Harry Monacruzo's and Harry and Don told me that there was this Wild man moving to NBC in New York, and I should send him my my stuff Oh, he had already been kicked off the affiliate in DC after the plane crash radio. I didn't know from Howard Stern I just mailed blindly my three albums Howard Stern here at WNBC and he called up and Asked me to come in and went in sat with Howard and Robin and Fred and at the end of the day They said you're fun. Why don't you come back next week? And I was there every week for three years for free then we went to mornings and then we went to Pluto You know slowly, but surely I was passing them notes and making fun here and Pluto is no longer a planet. No, we bought it This is Gilbert's podcast, so I'm gonna know that Gilbert is the guest on today's It's good. Yes Gilbert's David Feldman podcast. When did you meet Gilbert? Million years ago when I first did you know Howard first or Gilbert? No, no, I met Gilbert a million years I didn't really we never were really close, you know Because I'm not very hip.  You don't have to tell me But over the years we his joke has morphed into being closer and closer to mine because the joke So what's really fun right and I but I saw my catcher rising star before even thought about being a comedian You know, he was so outrageous. They'd put him on last to clear the room, you know Not because he wasn't funny just because nobody got it and I always admired him. I think he's so much fun And let's tell a couple of jokes for Gilbert before we introduce Gilbert Gilbert's like me.    Can I smell your snatch? She says now he says that must be your feet So ladies walking on the beach with a 13 year old daughter and the daughter says ma You think I'm old enough to start douching And the mother says why don't you ask the seagulls that are following you? Jackiethejokeman.com go on an order book.  I do a joke every day on Twitter. I get them at Jackie Marlin It's so much fun trying to squeeze jokes into 140 characters and I'm getting good I look at a joke.  Favorite joke that like if everybody asked me that and I always say because we did the one We were just on Fugal saying and the beef and broccoli joke is my favorite joke My favorite joke is the last one. I told it got a huge laugh like right now I would say my favorite joke like when I do my act the certain jokes that when I get to them I can't wait. It's like coming up third in the bottom of the night, even though, you know the punchline Oh, please, you know, there will be a day when I'll forget but this is a joke.  Laugh for a leg off. Yes. Yes.   He says sure Did you know what joke you were gonna tell? Yeah, I Is there a joke you were waiting to tell him? I just this is what popped in because somehow I I know what it was like if I ever get to tell Paul McCartney joke, you know You know, it's so funny My father said something that I will never know he went to his death without I remember what he told you He said if you tell the police will both go to jail The I never knew whether he had this waiting in his holster for the time It would he'd get a chance to say it or whether it was spur of the moment was my 4th of July party I just worked started working on a stern show steady and the whole gang came to my house and my father and mother Sitting there in their lawn chairs and I said to Howard come on You got to go meet my father and we walk over and I go pop. This is Howard and my father says So nice to meet you mr. Cosell I Have no idea whether it was spur of the moment or whether he's you know and Howard done to me said that's your father All right, I'm I swear to God. This is true on my father's death bed. This is the God's honest. Okay, there was cake and He said don't touch it. It's for after the funeral.  Yeah, it's for late So McCartney's where I stopped him. I say tell you joke. He says sure a guy goes for a job interview and it Interviews is what do you think is your biggest fault?  I'll bet you if he wasn't with his wife He would have stopped she was already a couple steps ahead so she didn't hit a show Yes, and did he know who you were? Did he know did he know who you were? I'm sure he didn't because he came on the show at the Sun Show like two months after I left So and I'm sure he didn't know but I've said in my stuff a million times. So who knows right, you know I didn't hear him walk over and say the Lord Michael said long joke man. Just tell me a good one But I'll tell you right now when he walked away He went over the joke in his head like we all do so you can tell it Gilbert I love you. I'd love to do your podcast again.   She agrees because it helps the joke So They get in bed.  And she says wow I'm too old to come so I needed a way to show you how much fun hours have Most disgusting joke I know I love you David Feldman I want to come do this podcast and maybe Gilbert will send over jokes for our podcast Yeah, I love you to Jackie the joke man bow to stern comes out in October Yes, Jackie the joke man calm when are you coming out kiss me? I'll tell you Thank you, Jackie. I love you man. I love you too. She overreacted. Yeah. Yeah, I think so kids Kids what you gonna do with these kids today? Kids why can't they be like we were perfect in every way? What is wrong with these kids today? Kids You can talk and talk till your face turns Why can't they dance like we did what's wrong with Sammy Kay What is wrong with these kids? You did dinner theater with Paul yes, yes Paul and hated the Jews This is That's the name of a great book. Yes. Yes our our dinner theater production If you're enjoying today's episode, please copy and paste the link and share it send it to all your friends Give us a good review on iTunes. We have a YouTube channel. It's this show Audio on YouTube check it out share it if you go to David Feldman show calm You can find out all the different ways you can listen to the show and then share it with your friends Buckle up Gilbert Godfrey Listening to the David Feldman radio program use sad pathetic hump. You sure you don't want any coffee You'll get me a coffee after this is over with and you take your coffee urban, right? What is there?  I find it. It wakes me up Then orally We're talking with a comic who has been called handsome Harry. Yes Johnny Stomp, yes What was Lana Turner's daughter like Lana Turner's daughter choose allegedly Allegedly the killer of Johnny Stomponato, which I still don't buy into Lana Turner, yes Johnny Stomponato Lana Turner was a big star. Mm-hmm, and you know, she liked I guess she liked the bad boys because he was an out-and-out killer Now one time Johnny Stomponato according to the story was beating her up and her daughter who I think at the time was three picked up a kitchen knife and stabbed this large gangster to death And the court went along with that right she overreacted. Yeah. Yeah, I think so kids Kids what's gonna do with these kids today? Kids, why can't they be like we were perfect in every way? What is wrong with these kids today? Kids You could talk and talk till your face turns Why can't they dance like we did what's wrong with Sammy Kaye What is wrong with these kids? You did dinner theater with Paul yes, yes Paul and hated the Jews This is That's the name of a great book. Yes. Yes our dinner theater production Because I was doing Hollywood squares and one of it was the same producers Who did the original Hollywood squares and he said like during lunch all the celebrities would be there They'd have a they'd be joking back and forth and having a fine time and Paul Lynn Who was I don't know how to put it a drunken fag?  They're the reason I don't have a career Oh, oh it would have been good if Hitler finished the job Wish that had been one of his answers So he was an anti-Semite. Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, well, I mean that that you're reading it You know cuz you could read it to a different one. I mean he wanted Hitler to finish the job. Yes Because Paul had a work ethic He did Because in one of Hitler's speeches He stops in the middle of it comes out in the bath room and goes kids What you're gonna do with these kids? That was one of his big number And he'd rile a crowd up in Germany and then he go Don't you think we would have liked Hitler Don't you think you and I if we went to the wolf's lair in the 30s the early 30s We would have found him delightful, right? I'm sure. Oh and I and I didn't even have to meet him I Think they were a colorful group What what year do you think you would have said? Let's leave honey. Yeah Okay, this is stopping funny what year would you have gotten that? Never because I think prices for everything were going down in Germany Listen, it's a free train ride The soup on the house, you know, I I I went to Dachau Yeah, and this is my favorite part.  Yes It's that place where Michael Moore and Jeff Garland go. Oh my god. Yes. Yes. Wait. Yeah. Yes work for Michael I would have gotten out by 36 I would have said this is this is getting uncomfortable But the Goldsteins yeah room 33 you might want to get rid of them Were you bar mitzvah'd no no never was bar mitzvah'd Did you go to Hebrew school? No didn't go to Hebrew school wasn't bar mitzvah. Did you poison a well? Did you ever lend money at exorbitant fees? Yes, and I got a pound of flesh Don't put your thumb on the scale.  Ha ha ha that's Silak homes. Yeah, Silak homes Basil Rathbone Dr. Watson does this look infected Dr. Watson Basil Rathbone was Sherlock Nigel Bruce Was Dr. Watson. That's the gayest name.  He starred in there early a movie during the late 40s as I read I was doing some research that you had an uncle who Managed Audie Murphy and told him to go kill some Germans.  So we're back to Hitler. Yes Yeah, it's always all roads turn to Hitler. So he was a war here during what war World War two He could act. I probably not He probably was like kind of nice looking and they put him it's just like Buster crab I have some medication Buster crab was he flash Gordon? Yes. Yeah, and he I think he was an Olympic swimmer in my life My first erection was watching flash Gordon. I swear to God. Oh, was that that what's her name? Yeah. Yeah.  Yeah. Oh was God, what was the girl in but in there was one that was his friend though There was she had black hair and I remember being a kid my mother walked in and Said what are you doing? That's not gonna change the channel Well if she let you try See I I find if I jerk off not only can I change the channel, but I could get extra cable The flash go on channel 11. Yes. Oh, yeah, when I was a kid I that was my first erection or maybe was Chuck McCann that gave me I always jerked off to soupy Wanted a fur pie in my face. I'm sorry. That was really bad.  Yes, Uncle Fester Was any See now now on the Anims family, which I I wasn't a big I have a Hang on I have a court before I don't want to interrupt Yes, but I want to ask you because you've had Billy Mummy on your show. Oh, yeah, butch Patrick Which is also the name of Rosie O'Donnell's New Irish wife butch Patrick, but Butch Patrick, I want to ask you Star Trek. I never would have guessed Rosie Rosie O'Donnell then Ellen DeGeneres who They always seem like Wait, you mean Ellen DeGeneres who has a crew cut and I was a man suit she's a lesbian.  We're wearing a lobster bib So what's with the lobster bib? Jackie Cougan. Yes He was a war hero too, right? Well, I you know, he may have been he may have been look up by Jackie Cougan war hero, which was a movie If not him maybe the lurch Jackie Cougan supposedly served in World War two in the Pacific theater. Yeah, well, well, that's lunch If you serve in the Pacific theater, that means you were gay, right? Means you like Mary Martin And you know who Mary Martin well, this is so obvious who Mary Martin's son was yes. Yes. There you go. Yeah And Ted Cruz's father shot J.R. He was there when yeah, Larry Larry Hagman's mother was Mary Martin. Yes Getting back to Jackie Cougan Because during World War two he was in a glider with 40 other men He said I'm in a In the Pacific theater Which is a euphemism for being gay during World War two if instead of getting a 4F If you were gay during World War two What do you mean if I resent that doubt I would have blown general MacArthur General MacArthur I shall return yes all over your face the actual Old soldiers never die Jackie Cougan. Yes Who was in the kid?  Yeah, and Cougan. Yes, Jackie Cougan Who later became? Uncle Fester. Yes on the Adams family it and and he there was there's the Cougan law now on the books because his Parents he wound up making millions of dollars as a child star and he had nothing Nothing afterwards.  Well John Wayne. Yeah, I hope so But John Wayne hated the Jews too That would disappoint me. Yes. Yes.  No, John Wayne never sang God Who was the singing cowboy? Oh, there was Roy Rogers. There was Roy Rogers. Yeah, and there was John Voight. Oh, yes He sang a little but going back to Jackie Cougan he served in World War two. He was in a glider I'm serious in the Pacific. That sounds like another game Well, he I heard he was in a glider Why do you have such a homophobic mind? He was in a glider. It was named after a type of lube that Men use to enter other men To to be in the kid. Why do you have filthy mind? So the glider was shot down in the Philippines during World War two and this is true and Jackie was at The back of the plane and there were 40 guys in front of him What? You've talked about a war hero here. Okay, who was as the plane was going down He decided the plane was going down. It was a glider No engine and they were going down and they were going what why do you have to read something? Filthy into this is a war hero And they entered the plane the door was in the shape of Yes back then they wanted to squeeze a lot of men into a glider and make sure it held it tightly So it was like an anus Don't you watch the biography channel? So they got in this anus like Glider that was filled with lube and 40 men were shoved in there Who I'm getting hot and and Jackie Coogan was at the back and the glider crashed into the ground in the Philippines Jackie survive because he was on top of This is a true This is This is like a commercial the case This is part of the greatest generation These guys liberated the Philippines Why would you trivialize this? And he went into the bush Well back then they called it These were politically incorrect.  Okay, so the plane crashed into the it was a glider that crashed This is true. I'm not making this up. I because you know more about World War two than I do obviously So the plane crashed into the cunt. It was a glider and 40 guys were underneath Jackie Coogan for like three days Paul lend just woke up from the dead and he survived because he landed on Top of 40 men. This is a true story. I swear and John asks tin, you know John Said that he used to wake up in the middle of the night I'm serious that I not wake up in the middle of the Jackie Coogan on the set of the Adams family Would take naps in the dressing room and scream like he was back in the cunt He was screaming because he was getting fucked up I didn't think we'd get this political.  Yeah, Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast Were you each week talked to Frank Santopadre? Yes Who's like a an onion you just peeled back one layer after another and he's the only guest, right? Everybody should listen to your podcast because it is the best and I have some questions I wanted to ask you about Shirley Temple and Paul Williams in a second I made a vow to God that this is true. I swear to God. This is true any Danny Thomas jokes. I plug St. Jude's hospital This is true, I swear to you, this is true We have done many episodes About Danny Thomas and I made a promise to myself and to God and to my listeners that any Reference to Windex Coffee table books because before we go any further St. Jude's hospital is the best hospital Yes, and they don't they do not turn kids away. They do not they don't they don't I'm serious And it's been vetted by some of the greatest benefactors in the world it is and Danny Thomas has never turned fecal I and there's another variation on the Danny Thomas story that Yeah, that movie they made With Keith Brazell as Danny Thomas that was in brown and white Some people say he would wear a priest outfit, of course What's the whole point if you're not wearing it it just flows Better Do you think that story is true? It has to be just too good not to be my father told me that Hitler was into scatophagia. Oh Really at least that's what Hitler told my dad see that's just one of the many things Hitler and Danny Thomas Ah When when Hitler would come out on the balcony to make a speech the music would play Is it true that Hitler was the original producer of the anti-grip of the shoe? Oh, yes I think he also produced a I spy Speaking of I spy. Yes You knew one of the great lovers of One of the great coxman. Yes of our generation Bill Cosby. Yes, whenever I saw him Always had a beautiful woman Drooped over his arm You're out the Cosby show right? Yes, and I spoke to one beautiful woman He was with and I said, how are you feeling and she said I don't understand though But what was his secret how did he just I think it's just a sense of humor Cuz women get turned on That's what I was told but apparently making a woman laugh is not as intoxicating as I was told if you can make a woman laugh you can get her into bed.   Oh The woman says she felt sore was unable to walk you called a cab. Do you remember the cab? Now mr. Cosby all these women All these women Certainly When I can understand I can understand Your honor, I'm I'm trying to I'm trying to cross and examine mr. Cosby and Now certainly do you remember Do you remember what you said? If this if the woman claims that she had trouble walking and didn't remember the night before what other explanation can there be? No further questions your honor Wait a second we have a verdict mr. Cosby We have a thousand counts that we have to read off you may want to sit down What was he like Like what was he like?  Well, my problem was I said to the poet laureate Nipsey Russell what rhymes with lobotomy It turns out it was so to me And Nipsey just went for it He was brilliant Nipsey Russell.  We thought we're talking about Greeks.   Yeah, if you well, why would you ever go from it? I Have a theory that people made fun of me as a kid People made fun of me as a kid because I always had new clothes and This white stuff all over my face They always made fun of me back, but I always had Money and and whenever you left the house from behind the door, they heard So I liked The monsters more than the Adams family me too and I liked lost in space more than Star Trek And you had butch Patrick Rosie Donald's Irish lesbian lover From the monsters. Yes, and you have had Billy mummy.  Does that mean you prefer the monsters? I Preferred the monsters to the Adams family. Why? Yeah, I don't know the Adams family I just never connected with me either. Yeah, were you made fun of as a kid for that? No, for other things the s-rape mainly No, I never got into the Adams family. I never understood what was funny or what it and On the Adams family.  I thought it was more of an Alan Alda from Mashin. Oh, yes But I maybe it was it was interesting how he foresaw that And said I'm gonna I'm gonna work on my Alan old And what about Alan Alda's career started because some producers said Now you were in the after-mash Played the brown eyed peers with Don't even know what that means. When do we start taping? And and pernell Roberts. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, Alan Alda turns into pernell robits from bonanza Yes, and then he played a doctor later. He quit Pernell Roberts quit and I know he quit bonanza. Yes to become and then he had a medical show. Oh I don't know. I remember he was a doctor on after-mash, of course because he was supposed to be Alan Alda when he gets older Was he Adam on bonanza? I think so. I Think so.  Yeah, yeah, see he landed changed his last name to sucker I think you're right.  Yeah, and as well as Michael hairpiece That was a hairpiece. That was a hairpiece.  You can't be a Jew and have much That was a law that was In the 30s Lauren green was Jewish and Dan blocker slept with the sleep apnea machine, I believe the first What what about Dan blocker son? I remember Lauren green saying that he remembered like I guess he got cast in Bonanza after Dan blocker died haas right died Wait, I He died during bonanza. Yes, Dan blocker died. Yes. Hop sing when pee pee in his coke He died I have the original copy of that record Hop sing when pee pee in his coke. I we used to dance Now in college you wrote yes, you wrote your your doctoral dissertation Maintaining that hop sing was actually North Korean. Yes.  Or something. Mm-hmm I think was trying to be an actor or got some acting. They were a few people who had sons back very few No, there was a watch the mr. Doolittle my producer. No Rex Harrison Rex Harrison He had a son. I think I think Noel Harrison. Yes Yeah, we used to like sing and go on these variety shows back then right right Rex Harris I was gonna make a Harris daughter joke. I couldn't get there What about someone left to take out? Oh, yeah, that that was a mama mama mama mama. Oh, oh God, what was his name? He was in that too with with John Denver? Oh, but this is horrible What was his name because his son is in madmen? He's a great actor Richard Harris Richard ha Richard Harris. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, and his son is an amazing actor. Like really? Yes Let's just take a pause Someone left a cake someone left a cake out in the rain. I Don't think that I can take it Because it took so long to bake it and I never had that recipe Was that written while Paul Williams was getting a blow job from Shirley Temple Is that true? I heard on your show that Paul Williams got a blow job. I have it. There was a sex tape made Seriously, Paul Williams. Yeah, who I think is a miracle.  Yes is a miracle. I've listened to that podcast you did and you sang with him and was beautiful Oh, yes. Yes. He is one of the greatest human beings on the planet. I Mean that I yeah, well he in fact he died for her sins I have paintings of Paul Williams on a cross During the interview he wiped his face with a paper towel So with sure did he really get a blow job from Shirley Temple here here. I'll turn it on right now.   Yes, yes Now Shirley Temple Why he heard she was in movies too That was not the only thing she was That's why she got famous I don't know. I didn't know she was was she in movies.   Yes I think her campaign in Africa And well Ford didn't say I'll make you an ambassador He said you'll be crashing in a glider Let's let's get serious We have a lot to go over here Stephen King says more than a national treasure Gilbert Godfrey is a secret weapon if we had Gilbert Godfrey during World War two Hitler would have given up in 1942 What he said was Because few people know this but Gilbert is black And doing a miniseries about Well, you grew up in a very liberal household your parents yes, your your parents were very big they went down south to Asrapus were registered to vote and those were the times when they were spraying gas Rape with Do you ever think you would live long enough to see an ass rapist in the Oval Office?  After a show and you said to me.   I have I'll get the next You know, but what city were you born in Brooklyn? Yes.  Oh Well first is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast Oh, and they have someone made a documentary about me called Gilbert. That's gonna open in Tribeca And it's about Indiana Gilbert you work in an office. Yes. I've got three precocious kids. Oh Oh, that's Dilbert, I'm sorry, and I thought I was in the documentary, but apparently I got cut out Yeah, well, I think they only want its people who are good Which is something they they'll have to change that in Hollywood I was we were in a cab together after we did something and I the guy was like right on top Yeah, there were a bunch of guys in front of me as the cab was going down the cab crash Luckily, there were 40 guys Premiers in April at the Tribeca April 20th So some of the guests on your show my friend Michael Coman the comedy writer Turned me on to this show about two years ago And I am walking down the street Listening to it and I look like a lunatic I look like I've had a stroke. There's like this permanent Smile like people say oh Kirk Douglas. You're still alive It's amazing. I mean and some of there are some episodes that are the most amazing things ever committed to audio The John Biner interview. Oh great is one of the greatest things that has ever been Recorded I mean he is the to me. He is Robin Williams and George Carlin All into one. That's who I see and and John Biner They originally wanted for more can Mindy, right? I remember in the show. He said he read the script He said this wasn't for me Right. Yeah, so so cool. And then will Jordan Gave you the greatest compliment. Oh, he complimented me on on my imitations on my purse No, he said not since way because I'm not so slimy cuz Has anybody shoved a pinky that far? He gave you the ultimate kind with like I almost started a cry.  I'm not leading you into anything, but this is the God's honest truth There's an episode of the dick Kavett show with Bill Cosby and groucho Do you know that I did yeah, I did see that one and I do remember that groucho said I shot a lion in my How we got in my pajamas all them and then and that joke is from animal crackers Yes, and then Bill Cosby came up with after 50 years.  I want to plug some gigs for you have you met Stephen King No, never met Stephen King. So how does he know how funny you are? He was actually writing that as there was an article in entertainment weekly when Stephen King was writing articles, which They was like he had his own page in entertainment weekly for a little while and it was completely useless It was a car wreck. He yeah, he was taught He was talking about that commercial That I did I once got hired to do a commercial for one of those as seen on TV products called shoudini Now what the shoudini was now in the commercial they showed old people Trying to put their shoes on or take their shoes off and then falling down and and probably dying or crippling themselves and And and you know rather than saying to these old people, why don't you sit down when you put your shoes on? They invented the shoudini which was a shoehorn with a retractable handle That had made it longer What what year was this this not that long ago The shoudini shoudini and you were the guy who who sold it. Yes. Yes Stephen King saw you do this and thought it was it was originally gonna instead of shoudini I think they were gonna call it Doug Kenny You have interviewed hello there. Oh, yes Marty Allen Marty Allen who is an intellectual Yes He is she's an intellectual Well, Stephen Hawking I saw her in a show and they said did you saw her an intellectual and he went hello there Do you know why Marty Allen's wife was called Frenchy? Tell everybody why they call I can't Because you had sex with Frenchy tell Tell I can't I think she had I think you can't I can't she had arthritis or something I Correction with the Stephen Hawking. Yes when they said you're an intellectual. He pressed the button and it went Hello there One of the funniest episodes is with Chevy Chase. Oh, yeah, the Chevy chase episode I had no idea how funny Spontaneous and careless Chevy chase truly was I that's the funniest I've seen him in 30 years Yeah, yeah, right. Hey, he was very funny on the show Did you do the roast the Chevy chase roast? Oh, yeah, yeah, I I was there. That was a strange one Because I think it it actually was hitting a nerve a number of times Was this after 9-11? Well, yeah, that's what it was right after the building went down Was it was they said, you know, they And they found out 3,000 people were dead. They said now would be a great time Originally they said now would be a great time for a carrot Morris roast And then and they said you had the firemen were there and they said you mean the Was it after 9-11? No the one that was and why do you always put 9-11 in quotation marks? Are you a denier? You don't believe it actually happened, right? No, it was as true As the Holocaust This is the hardest I've laughed since 9-11 Hardest I've laughed since Treblinka Treblinka sounds like a game Let's play Treblinka I think Jackie Jackie cook Sunny Fox, yes Chuck McCann you had Sonny Fox on your show. You've had Chuck McCann growing up on TV in New York. There was also sandy becker and bob mccallis. Oh, yes Of the four sonny fox chuck mccann sandy becker Bob mccallis. Am I leaving out anybody jolt officer jolt bolton. Oh, there was officer jolt bolton Oh, there was a captain jack mccarthy who was randy credit coast future son-in-law Oh Didn't Didn't captain. Who was the one who was ray? Who was ray heatherton? Oh, oh, uh, her her father was the mary mailman The mary mailman have you been to the post office lately? You know who works at the post office?  Yes was joey heatherton's father Right, she oh, yeah ray heatherton was joey heatherton's father No, seriously. She once punched somebody at a passport office Joey heatherton really? Yeah, she was there.  Yeah, because he lived with go ahead. I liked when randy creditco Are you okay?  He did You know bill cuntzler Has a brother named big hair You had sonny fox on if you're not from new york, you're not gonna know who sonny fox is yeah One drama. Yes, and i'm listening to the episode going What the f is gilbert thinking having sonny fox on the show? The churn the story That he talks about liberating the camps.  Yeah, so sonny refused To say he wasn't jewish. Yeah. Yeah Right and that's that's right. He refused to say to the nazis. I'm not a jew Same thing with alan king With alan king you didn't have to ask Did you know alan king? Oh, yeah, not not well, but yeah, I spoke to him a couple of times He was something. Yeah Alan king one time told me a joke and and he said, you know, he's there with a cigar As was bill cut That's how he used to inhale a cigar Alan king told me joke he says on afghanistan he Dies and goes up to the pearly gates St. Peter greets him. He says st. Peter.  Yeah, the fbi stunned in there and what walking out It's like something out of a movie. They were walking out with their records.  This is from the chuck berry collection of bill cosby sitting on the toilet That is from the chuck berry Collection we lost chuck berry and you dated his sister dingle, right? She was very clingy and uh, wouldn't get out of your hair, but the point i'm making is I heard the accounting irregularities at the friars club. This is true The irs was seizing the friars club records because they had cooked the books And one of the books said that Milton burl had a 30 inch cod And they were low balling it. Did you know Milton?   Yeah, horse and bean that was one of the funniest interviews Oh, yeah, yeah, do you know who his son-in-law was? I'm not making this up baked Yes, it was baked bean Baked bean He's andrew bright Bart's Father-in-law from you know bright Bart alt right What? Yes No, what is it what's all all bright no no andrew bright Bart. Yeah Married orson beans daughter.  Rosenberg He's talking to mr. Goldenblatt I noticed that and when I found out he was andrew bright Bart's Father-in-law, I thought hmm Who were you most surprised to discover was a Jew? Oh well, billy mummy No, billy mummy. Yeah, he was a Jew. He admitted it on the show billy mummy is jewish the kid from lost in space As glorious you're looking as you could possibly get he had red hair, right? Yeah Will Robinson.  Yeah, we're we're a hat It's called It's called it's draft. He would put on a hat danger will rob a jewish lost in space Yeah, I told you this wasn't alpha centauri The doctor smith he's a doctor.  He's a good doctor though Boy Danger danger A little to the left Billy mummy was jewish. So what happened did he So he must be he must be in his 60s now, right? Oh, you know, I didn't even think about that. Did he survive Hollywood? How do you see would you put your kids into hollywood? Would you put them in the movies? Well, yeah, because bill Cosby's doing a new show I didn't know that we're not gonna ask about your lavender marriages Ha ha ha Alan thick. Yes We lost Alan thick. Do you know where he is? Well I've gone up to the other world The other world And uh, you know up to the pearly geats The pearly geats You know, I got wings And I play in a harp I play a hoop and float around in the clouds with flapping my wings And play in the hoop Was he at all seriousness Hate the jews.  Yes I met him About two years ago I have to say I thought he was brilliant.  Oh, yeah in the early 80s and yeah, I loved you I remember on that show, you know, you would wander around and I think you would want I heard him once say that you would wander along the Klee glides up at the top of the street He used to go that was one of the ideas that they had on the show. They had ideas. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yes Once they start rebooting Our show so this rebooting was that that Gilbert He doesn't hang around with anyone else. He lives up in the catwalk Or as Alan would say He kicked Let's go see what Gilbert said to you.  Uh, I want to ask you about this two brothers He ordered two brothers a burly young man of 22 And and his slender 17 year old brother Alan answered the door in a red and blue robe handed them an envelope of cash He escorted them to his bedroom and the the sex got a little rough Is that how you understand? Police had photos Who was Ramon? That's how Ramon novellar died. Yes.  Yeah a mulatto. Yes.   Yes, the three godfreeds Yes, remember this to come out on a tightrope. You came out on a tightrope Your mother and father and you it was not about comedy as I remember Yes, yes, would you like to describe And Houdini is the one who said He gave you your name Houdini gave that's right. Yes. Yes. He said why you should call him buster.  And what did your father say? Father said You hit me because I bust him if he is And Houdini said I didn't know she was black Look who's talking to you did that with marley maitland Yes, and and and she said Do you remember the scene between marley maitland and bill cosby This bill cosby was children of a lester god. Do you remember that originally hurt was going to be replaced by bill cosby? Weren't you on a plane with marley maitland seriously, didn't you don't you know marley? Yeah, yeah, I was on a plane with her.   Yes marley maitland is jewish.  So I sat down next to her And and I I elbowed her awake and I started doing like obscene And just giving her the finger And and and pushing my fist against my face And and she got angry when That's true story though, right? Yeah, you do teaser. Do you met her like on the trump roast or something, right? Yeah, I'd met her before. Yeah, she dated bill hurt william hurt.  Well, wait a second didn't bill cos we do commercials for pinto Did he did commercials? Yeah, yeah for the pinto. Oh and remember what you couldn't do to a pinto Rearrended it's true Oh William hurt used to slap her around, right? Oh, yeah Why didn't she say anything?  Yeah, well usually with a close You know why why because these tip people don't listen We're gonna end on that. Oh, we gotta end on that. Let me plug some gigs. I gilbert.  I raped her I don't I know I don't let me just plug some gigs here I want to thank darrah and everybody and milley and your beautiful kids We've been inside the beautiful home of gilbert godfried and his lovely wife. They live at 1414 bellville avenue in clifton new june His seven-year-old daughter is named shoshana She waits for the school bus every morning at exactly 7 a.m. On the corner of adam's boulevard and fairfax Her favorite candy is gummy bears And her favorite colored van is a windowless white van and when I say colored, I don't mean I Gilbert will be live on stage at the stupendous suffix theater in riverhead new york, huh? And I want some respect now Go see him if you Think you laughed right now. Go see him at the suffix theater in riverhead new york march 24th I will tell you this. This is the god's honest truth. I swear to god. This is true I saw you at carolines You made me laugh so hard I thought oh, that's what shitting in my pants means that had I not Been regular that day I swear to you every orifice. Oh, I lost and I know what it was. It was the skiing joke When you started acting out the guy You started acting out this joke and I laughed so hard Everything opened up every I saw my life. I should be The president of the brightest club To deal with the accounting irregularities. Yes, absolutely You'll be in point pleasant new jersey at uncle vinnies.  That's in washington Gilbert will be on stage march 31st at the tecoma comedy club Visit tecoma comedy club to get your tickets asap My miss chuck berry And april fools day spend april fools day With gilbert godfried in spokane spokane Spoken spoken spoken spoken spoken speaking you will be speaking at spoken At the spoken comedy club april first 2017 And april eighth at the comedy cove and scottie's pube Visit Or you could just check on gilbert godfried dot com And my documentary gilbert is coming out april 20th. Thank you. That was great Special thanks to darah for arranging that Gilbert godfried Go see him Please and listen to his podcast. It's amazing coming up saratiana If you're enjoying today's episode, we have a youtube channel.  Go to david feldman show dot com where you can Learn all the different ways to listen to this episode and share it Please share it on stumble upon dig. We have a sub reddit reddit google plus twitter facebook help us out Share it give us a good review on itunes subscribe to us on itunes and on stitcher and now saratiana It's their numbers are going. Is this sarah? This is sarah. What time is it over there? What time is it over here? It's 6 p.m in california. Oh All right. I'm calling from new york Hello, okay, so it's way past your bed time It's way past your bed time. Is this saratiana Did you get the saratiana? Did you get the five dollars I sent you for my birthday? Yeah, I did I really put it to good use Joining us from california is saratiana. She is an hysterical comedy writer An amazing stand-up comic who is at calgary yuck yucks March 23rd through March 25th We're dropping this podcast on the 24th. So we have listeners in calgary and they should go see sarah At yuck yucks. She's also a regular at midnight on comedy central You've seen her on chelsea lately the josh wolf show on cmt She's been a writer for some show. I heard at the burn with jeff ross I I heard that's very good And you hosted you hosted the roast of justin bieber red carpet.  Did you watch it or do you get that channel? I I get it. I just can't find it at the home Right. Yeah. It's past number 13 on the dial.  I went up against let's see first. I battled chris cuban who is a comic from austin and then I battled oh man, uh, uh, sam maril Indian and in New york, yes, and then I went up against earl skakel And I won that so then I went to the final against michael warren Is earl skakel related to bobby kennedy's mother bobby kennedy's wife effl Skakel He's related to some kennedy. I don't know. Is he really there were definitely Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think uh, there are lots of jokes about that throughout the show, you know, like Definitely good headshot jokes type stuff. Well the skakel that i'm thinking of Kills or at least he did time for that. There's a yeah Yeah, so he is related to the skakels. Hmm Yes, skakels skakel Skakels sound like something A crippled woman has instead of cankles, doesn't it? Yeah, she's yes like a crippled old ice skater. Yeah I'm not the skakel I thought she was attractive then I started taking off her skates and she's she's got skakels That's where I dropped like yet another sounds like yet another thing you wouldn't go to the doctor for Skakels and how did we do I'm asking you personal questions about the roast battles because I have a perfect record saratiana Oh, you do. Oh, yes, I do Yes, I do Because you've never competed. No I am 0 for 5 Oh That sounds perfect. Yeah, I'm very proud of it. I have not won a single roast battle and the great thing that I do I'm kind of playing the heel now and I get introduced as the guy who writes for jeff ross and the roasts and triumph and And I tell the audience and the judges this is just a cakewalk for david feldman Come on This is what I do for a living if I can't win this And I immediately antagonize the audience and the judges. So I'm in this big hole right when I start It's pretty funny. It's and then I have people like I have davis iris david taylor I have all these ray james. They all write jokes for me.   Uh, I like to I like to pretend I'm happy that I'm oh and five like that's that's what I planned But every time I get into it I want to win But I can't you that you almost have the same record in marriages don't you? Yeah, yeah, although the the judges and the marriages were even crueler to me than the judges Those are some yeah, you heard about my uh, yeah, it's uh Our now do you mind? Uh, so so have you how's your record? I mean are you allowed to drive yet? I'm talking about your driving record. Do they finally? Well that is always going to be terrible since I'm a woman, right? But uh, let's see, um, I've only left once And that was in the final to Michael Lawrence. It's the only oh no, no, that's not true I lost once in Montreal two years ago to k trevor wilson Who was also in first season of both battle that didn't air on television, but that was my only last um in What three or four years and then The finals suddenly this is stopping fun for me The fact that you're doing this well. I was going to be paternalistic and give you advice, but uh So you you've only lost one or two and do you keep score? I mean, do you is there is there a scorekeeper anywhere? Somebody keeps score. There's someone that does a blog about the roast battles and they have all the scores and Just like that and they usually really mean to me whenever I judge. I'm not really a very good judge Um, I'm just it's just not my favorite thing to do I'm always also extremely Unimpressed with the joke writing like I put so much work Into my writing and then I will go and watch a battle and I'm like those aren't even jokes. Those are just facts Or you're just name calling and it's kind of like You know, um the and culture rose didn't mean sorry the rob lowro Which turned out to be the and culture rose. Did you watch that at all? I I think I worked on it Oh Well, so I think I did yeah Oh, well, uh, well you weren't yeah, I didn't get to see me. That's been working but um Well, that makes me very happy because that turned out to be like the to me the bad news bears kind of rose but The jokes about and I thought were really not that good. I thought that they were mean and it would have been so much More impressive to me if people had taken her down like a a more competent way So sometimes I just get really bothered by jokes that seem like they could be insert name here kind of jokes Do you think the problem was that jimmy car and Jeff for us, do you think the people just genuinely hated her?  Don't you just want to say?  Yeah, it really is difficult when you that's also like why you're supposed to wrote the ones you love, right? So that the jokes that you end up writing about them are only so true But they're not mean or Too too personal only you there's certain jokes that you wouldn't do about a certain person because you're like I'm friends with them. I would never bring this up That's something that only they but that's something that's just between the two of us That was and you know, I also like I You know myself and like lorence and a lot of us We have some really great jokes for her and she just didn't want to do them Did you talk to did you talk to her at all? Oh, yeah, I worked with her for three days. She was very kind to me like there wasn't mean to me at all She's not like I mean I didn't I didn't find her off-putting I mean I find her comments on television to be Nothing I agree with but in person. She was very kind and cordial and You know wanted to do a good job But just wasn't really going to listen to my professional opinion Like she already had an idea of what she wanted to do and so she set out to do that I think she's in a bubble. I think there Some writers slash lecturers who go out do the college campuses. They get these huge laughs Or they're surrounded by sick of fans who laugh at everything they say so they think they're funny They don't understand what it takes to get laughs in in front of a crowd that Might not know might not know who you are or might not care who you are They're really looking for the for the comedy Has your yeah, I'm sorry go ahead Well, that's what I always say to people who come up to me after the show and they say, you know I always wanted to be comedy my friends think I'm so funny And I said the challenge is to see if people who aren't your friends think you're funny That's not the challenge. My friends think I'm very funny But have you brought have you brought who you are to the stage? Have I brought who I am to the stage? What do you mean like Do you think do you think you have finally Delivered to the audience and yuck yucks who I know from working with you Are you the same person in the writing room as you are on stage? I am I feel like I have really accomplished that over the last Three years. I think My comedy has changed a lot from you know, you go through your comedy reflects how you're feeling at that time in your life, you know, there was a stage when I was Drinking a lot. I was talking about alcohol I missed like horrible like one night stands that I'd had because I was just a mess and then Then he goes through this angry phase You know, we're like men need to do this and then need to do this and you know, now I'm a little bit happier and But I'm also a little bit more unhappy with society. So I feel like I'm talking more about Politics which I've never really talked about and I've noticed that I've noticed that about you and I and I see That you're a little More to the left than when we Work together. Is that a fair statement? Would you say that you've kind of been spooked by Trump? Yeah, I think that I was really surprised that he won It kind of felt like the the patriots in Superbowl 42, you know You had this undefeated season and then they lost in the Superbowl and it's just like What that wasn't that I didn't think that was gonna happen Um and You know, I think it was a real awakening for myself Uh, and I think it should have been a bigger awakening for a lot of people here in Hollywood because people got very complacent and very comfortable And I think that was true of Hillary too. I mean, she didn't campaign in Wisconsin and she didn't make campaign and like What was it? Um Minnesota or something like she places or was just like, why are we so You know, it's our own fault. It's just uh, I think When it comes to Hollywood, we can be in a bubble too and we can't Uh, just like we're talking about and culture is in this bubble Where she only hears the opinions of the people around her I think in Hollywood we get very complacent and we we constantly hear all these liberal opinions and we forget that there are 49 other states out there And there are a lot of people who are different and I saw it as I was going around America I definitely saw Trump America and I think I think um as a comedian, I'm very lucky because I Get to do one of the last forms of free speech in this country You know being able to do stand-up on stage I have a platform to talk about my opinion and there are there's no Real recourse except within the community and like people might get offended at a joke But it is still a joke and it should still be clever and people have the right to get mad if it's not funny But if it's funny, I don't I don't believe they have any right to get mad But I think Trump getting elected showed how So many other people in America do not feel like they can say what they want And him walking around being so anti-politician and saying ridiculous things just made everybody so happy And I think that he he really He really hit the heart of people who were just angry whether they were angry at their job or their wife or their mom or Uh an immigrant who took you know, whatever it was whatever they were angry about everything resonated.  I'm giving you that's a compliment in that.  And yeah, you're in the theater district of los angeles and you have shows how many nights a week now We only do uh, we started just doing festivals And we have kind of like a core group of 25 members now We've scaled way back because we just felt like we were trying to keep the lights on in the theater and losing the comedy Uh when we were just trying to pay bills and um, we really wanted to just focus on the comedy so now um We have scaled down to 25 people and we're focused more on web series and festivals And keeping specific groups of people together You don't have right and you don't have your heart you don't have your hand out You don't Expect anybody to give you anything you have worked for everything You've gotten and deserve Yes, I was not born into the royal family. I consider hollywood to be like the royal family and It's very Hard for a commoner to get in and I do consider myself a commoner. Yeah, I definitely worked very hard I didn't know anybody when I moved here and so that I sense a conservative streak there the self-made human being who Has been able to help herself and perhaps sometimes not not in your case But I did see it a little that you know, you were able to help yourself Why can't other people help themselves? This was a couple years ago. Is that is that a is that a fair assessment? Yeah, I'm not very sympathetic to people who Say they can't do something because of their gender or their race. I do understand that that I am lucky to be born a white woman into a middle-class family, but I feel like I had to get a job when I was 15. I paid for my college I paid for my way out here My parents have never been financially able to help me with anything They have given me support Which I do think is something that maybe a lot of people don't have but I think that that crossed is many planes whether it be Financially like there are a lot of rich kids whose families don't support what they do, you know So I think I've been blessed in that way But I I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who say they can't I do understand that there are definite cases out there where people cannot But yeah, so you're you're saying that your mother and father supported you emotionally with the comedy, but not financially whereas A lot of the people who go into show business are being supported financially, but not emotionally by their parents Yeah, sometimes or they already have family in the industry And so they've already got a referral, you know, hopefully took me seven or eight years to start getting referrals How long you've been doing comedy? 14 years Really? Yeah Just turned 39. So yeah 14 years. Well, I have to be careful How I react to that and hold my tongue Other than I no other than I want to give you a million compliments, but I can't because it's inappropriate Let me but I but look yeah, it is but but If it were I don't know 20 years ago I'd be you know effusively praising you and in your You would be quietly saying he doesn't know any better.  So I'm just Now I've made it even worse You're playing Canada you're at Calgary yuck yucks Uh show starts in Vancouver the week after oh, I got thrown out of Vancouver. Did I ever tell you that story? You know mark Breslin, right who I have to have on this show mark Breslin started yuck yucks Oh, right. Uh-huh. Oh, he's one of the most brilliant men and one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life Have you met him yet? No, oh, okay. So his best friend Joel axler Was running the Vancouver yuck yucks. This was at I don't know the late I'd say the early 90s before the planet was really dying And I had this act back then that made fun of Greenpeace And I'd say, you know, you know cut trees down trees are the number one cause of forest fires And you know, just just making fun of liberals because I was working out of san francisco and it was just fun to tease liberals. It was a different country back then And it was satire You know, but okay, so I get booked at yuck yucks in Vancouver unwittingly because I didn't know that Vancouver was the home of Greenpeace. I didn't know that that's where I didn't know that either.  That kind of stuff and I looking back that was a bad joke, but you know, and this woman stands up and literally goes Are we going to stop him? Why won't we stop this man? Why and I just started making fun of her and it got really ugly so I come home Joel axler was running the club and every night I'd go up there and every night people would walk out on me And be mad and want their money back But they never they never fired me I get home And the next day the phone rings and it's mark breslin from the toronto office. He owns the entire chain of yuck yucks And i'm terrified Oh man, and he says is this david falman. I go. Yes mark Because I heard you walked every audience for seven nights. Is that true? Well, I didn't walk everybody.  How soon can you make it to toronto? I got to see this act And he booked me He He booked me He said what's this just go to your calendar. I got to see you. I got to meet you. I got to know you And we became and we became best friends, you know, I haven't seen him for a while. Yeah, he just Because he's uh emprosario He's he feels I will present a certain type of comedy.  I'm just calling audible. It's like to me the show is for them Uh, it's not for me unless i'm doing a military show that's when i'll just I'll let people heckle me whatever they want to do it's for them. But um You know at a club, I you know, I I want to make everyone happy because I you know I want them to buy a second ticket and and even if we don't agree on everything. I still want People to hear my opinion, but i'm not gonna force it What is the most difficult like I was in texas and I was doing a bit I have a bit i'm done And there are certain shows when I can tell that people are upset uh, but I talking about them But I know that if they just wait to the end of the joke they'll be laughing too because I I really try to I don't present both sides, but I try to always have an answer for the question that's in their mind If that makes any sense like when i'm talking about Guns, you know, I don't say like I hate all of them. I just don't like automatic weapons or whatever, you know, so Oh guns, you don't like guns Guns yeah, so I was doing that bit in texas and I could tell that it was making it was really off-putting or it's making people uncomfortable so Instead of doing the next part. I just moved on You grew up in georgia. You were born in hayward right hayward california. I was born in hayward california But we moved to georgia not five um, yeah, I have a lot of new stuff on guns and um Uh religion, which you know, it's just like all things that like basically everything you're not supposed to bring up on the first date I feel like that Right not all of it, but I Kind of run a crazy theory because I have a theory about comedians My theory is that We really don't want to talk about difficult subjects That we really rather just get huge laughs I know that I would just love to stand in front of an audience And just be loved and talk about things that don't alienate them But the only way I can make them laugh is by talking about things that make them feel uncomfortable If you could wave a magic wand Would you have an act that just talked about things that Everybody was cool with or do you Do you enjoy being on the road and thinking to yourself? Okay, this next bit's going to be trouble. I better Gird myself Well, uh, no, I think that I when I'm riding the bit I try to Make fun of both sides You know, because honestly like I That I have to ultimately go with my opinion, but I do a lot of research On the joke that I write You know, so What do you mean like I have like so I have a bit about gun Like I just was really upset about gun violence in America And so I did research and statistics so that I constantly have proof And that way because I feel like you're only nervous when you're on stage When you feel like you don't have a rebuttal for what someone is going to say Like say somebody heckles you and says you don't know what you're talking about If I know what I'm talking about there's no reason to be nervous in that moment Because that side doesn't know what he's talking about and so I'm like, why don't I know what I'm talking about? and you just give people to ask questions And ultimately you realize they don't have any opinion and they go well, these are the statistics And I you know, basically my joke is about how women aren't the one committing mass murder You know because we would never leave a mess for someone else to clean up But at the same time I want people to walk out realizing that oh, yeah, it isn't women that are creating this problem This is this is a complete male problem Yet they use the same adjectives to describe the shooters as they use to describe women, you know, like over-emotional over-reacted Diaries It's not that I don't like guns. It's that I don't like how they're appropriated and uh, I don't like what comes with them Well, so that's that's interesting because you use the guns you took a difficult issue, but made it about something else That's brilliant Yes, I want you to walk out questioning You your meat, you know, because I do talk about how I don't Guns don't bother me as much as why people think they need them overall I feel like people have all this Unresonated fear and I don't know where that fear I mean, I know where it comes from. I just don't understand it because I'm not afraid of anything you're not and no the only thing I'm afraid of is uh Failing but really I'm In failure. What are you really afraid of you're afraid of? Having to ask someone for help and then when it all comes down to it Me as someone who's taking care of myself my whole life My ultimate fear is not just failure.  I've seen the world. I go wherever I want and do whatever I want I travel the world by myself Never had an issue on foreign soil You know when I just talk about how the news makes us just right because they're competing for ratings with csi and law and order You know, so it's like, yeah, of course, they're gonna make like the sky is falling And I just don't I just can't really buy into Any of it. Did you watch um the untold history of the united states oliver stone? mm-hmm This is david felden. I not only watched the untold history. I lived it This is grandpa talking Well, I'm just saying that that was really fascinating for me because it made me realize how um How manipulated I was about russia, right like you hear russia you think enemy constantly and That I didn't walk away from that theory thinking that I walked away from that theory thinking like my opinion has been swayed by People that I don't know and that I shouldn't trust I think as a human and as an american It is my job, especially as a comedian to constantly ask questions that's why Church was hard for me because I had a lot of questions I didn't go to church because I was in eighth grade because my parents wouldn't tell me what religion they were They wanted me to decide what I wanted to be without their influence the same with politics They wouldn't tell me they still this day will not tell me who they voted for because they're like if that's my that's private and You can vote for whoever you want. I'm not going to tell you why voted for I don't want to sway you and for who you are Like you're smart. You figure out what you want to be Yeah, my father told me that too and then I found out it's because he was a nazi So he was ashamed He was voted party line with the nazis That's not true. Sometimes david duke and he wasn't officially I always laugh whenever people compare trump to hitler and i'm like well hitler was attractive Like if we're at like we're really going to get down to it He's a good-looking man and he had the decency to kill himself What chokes what is the most difficult Topic that you're finding on the road. I'm in a bubble. I only play Manhattan and queens I am i'm living in new york now and I just hit the clubs and even the Tourists who might have voted for trump They kind of watch me like You know, they're visiting new york.  Oh if we're in new york, we have to see some Loudmouth jew trashing our president. That's the new york experience Mm-hmm But you're out on the road. What is that like? Oh, I think that uh, you definitely get A mixed bag like when I was in philadelphia I opened My show by saying oh my gosh today was so great. I went and called the constitution I wanted to see it in one piece before it gets torn apart. That's really pretty right now And that you know and that is just You know that divides the room even in philadelphia And uh, it's my job to get them back and constantly present things that both people who are conservative and people who are liberal can laugh at because I think People are definitely sensitive about guns. They're definitely sensitive about religion They just started talking about that and so that's you know, that's really the only bit right now that I get a little nervous about because It's not quite finished You know and I still have more research to do I did I want to talk about how the the catholic church The reason that priests could never get married, you know because of The woman would own the church So I'm going to dive back into that they need to do a lot more research so that my dates and my statistics are correct For everything that I'm talking about. Oh the the reason The the vatican outlawed marriages was the women The the priests were leaving church fixtures to their family Right, well, whenever you were a priest when you were a priest you owned the church and the grounds that it sat on So if a priest died, who did the church go to it went to his wife So that's when they outlawed priests getting married because they didn't want women owning churches or the property Came down to property. So now they're owned by the families of The kids the priests molested Yeah, so it actually created pedophilia statistically And you know as someone who you know, I enjoy the catholic I enjoy going to catholic churches I enjoy the bible and I can appreciate the parables and the metaphors But it is yeah, it's difficult It's a difficult line, you know, so I think you I have to figure out What it means to me and why it affects me and I want to get back to something. I find this curious. Do you mind? Of course, okay So how long have you been doing stand-up? 14 years. Okay. I'm just curious when I started I Wanted to be loved And I couldn't get the audience to like me unless I first Irritated them and then they would laugh So I would never really get them to love me, but I would get them to laugh And I was always envious of guys who were just really great You know jake joe hanson somebody like jake who can get up be lovable or dana Carvey Who or paula pounce on these were the the masters who didn't really offend their audience They entertained them And their politics were inconsequential And I always wanted that kind of act in a way But I wasn't built for that Talking to you. I think of you hanging out at the comedy store with You know benji and tony hinge cliff And I know that there is a breed of comic That doesn't like Pablum doesn't like a comic that doesn't ruffle feathers I know that and and if you ruffle feathers you're more respected by Supposedly the cooler hippercomics, you know, but in the end I think the hardest thing to do Is to Be a comic to everybody And I think of you As somebody who would be a comic to everybody Were you at one time? Well, yeah, but i'm learning now that you're A little antagonistic towards the audience and is that a new thing for you? Is that a new thing? Did some did a bell go off? You said you know what I have opinions and I want the audience to know And is that a phenomenon in your generation or the younger comics? Saying Here I stand this is what I believe It's is that what's going on Uh, I can't really speak to other comedians um I definitely see a trend And I think it's more of a trend of los angeles and new york comedians Wanting to have an opinion on you know Politics or whatever's going on in the world um I definitely think that I always pushed button Because I would always think in the south I love to talk about race and I love to make fun of black people and mexicans and I just felt like that was In my opinion a true form of friendship when you can make fun of everyone And no one's upset that is the essence of friendship right if I can make fun of you and you can make fun of me And we're both laughing than that is true friendship So I feel like the early part of my career really focused on jokes and sometimes those jokes were about Rays or being stupid or whatever it was um, and then they moved into stories about um, my life and now I feel like I feel like honestly, I've just learned so much more. I think I'm just uh smarter more well read and I I really consciously try to be as unbiased as possible No, I read Al Jazeera a lot because I feel like if anybody's going to be honest about America and what we are and what we're going through um It's it's them, but I you know, I try to I try to read stuff from the red states. I try to you know read liberal media and it bothers me that there is such a thing That's more what bothers me is that Everything seems to be slanted in different in different directions And it's like you have to take a side and I as a as a human I just don't understand why there has to be a side So I think my comedy grows as I grow and my opinions grow and my opinions change You know, I I think um, I used to be very um liberal when it came to my relationship I'm much more conservative when it comes to dating and my body and um things like that. I don't believe that I So anybody else has to do what I do, but I think this is a human I've grown and changed and transformed and that's what my comedy becomes, but I I really I think I've always focused on writing and making sure that whatever I'm talking about people are laughing But the heart of it really comes down to knowledge and that that that all hinges on me like One time I had a white guy get offended about a joke I said so a black guy in the audience And I was so furious Because I'm like this is the problem.  All right. And was she the was she the only heterosexual on her softball? No I don't think so, but I don't I don't keep in touch with those ladies anymore I have no idea what the facts are but You know, I just felt like What the black women don't like to be catchers No, yeah, it's like some sort of submitted position. That's what That's what the coach told me, but I don't know that's interesting. I don't know. That's a fact Um, but that's yeah that they just never like to play catcher.  So she could always hit the ball In the outfield because she always needed to hit home runs because she couldn't really run the bases that fast She always said she always said to the umpire clean the plate clean off the plate We're not gonna get No more no more softball until you clean your plate Yeah You say you've gotten more conservative With your personal life you mean you're more disciplined. You're more focused. You're not out every night You're coming home early You're not drinking as much True very much true, but also in the men that I think I have Uh higher expectations, you know, I have a a boyfriend now for the first time in like eight years very different Now, uh, it's been a very eye-opening experience, but also You know he opens my car door for me and He pays for dinner and he helps me put on my jacket. It's like those little things.   Oh god, I hope not that was really rude everything It didn't be bad coming Um, yeah, he also opens the door to the closet that he goes and hides in Imagine But No, yeah, so is he a comic is he a comedian? No, he's a sportscaster And does he worship you? I I I think this is in my old my in my dotage I've Realized that the only way I'll ever be happy now that I'm divorced is by worshiping Women otherwise it's just going to be a nightmare. So he worships you he's Right I think he is uh, yes In a way, and I am also like I really look up to him I think for a woman to feel love we need to be held in touch And we need to remember things like our birthday and our anniversary But I think for a man to truly feel love he needs respect and I I I really look up to my boyfriend and his knowledge and his ability to To know like but he just knows so many things when it comes to sports What do you mean men need to feel respect? What does that mean? I think that's how men she I'm serious. I'm you've never felt that. Well, I it does ring true. I mean For me that that I don't like being Disrespected by people who I love Right. I think that as a woman I you know, I I don't think I would I wouldn't I couldn't be with a man that I didn't look up to that I didn't want to brag about that I um that I Suppose he's just kind like suppose. He's just kind suppose. He's just some guy who isn't ambitious Doesn't make a lot of money But he's just a nice guy Does that go right does that count for anything? I think it counts It depends on what you want like for me because I'm such an ambitious person I find it attractive when other people when the men in my life um Work really hard, you know and like So both of our we both ended up working the Super Bowl this year He is a patriot fan and I am a fountain fan and our teams just happened to play him the Super Bowl And you know, he didn't go to the Super Bowl because he had to be at work Monday morning And he just refused to miss work. It's like things like that where You know, I I'm always just so impressed that he did He's the first one at his job and he's the last one to leave and it I'm always I've just been practiced by his work ethic now. He does take maps every day and he's very He's not very good at Taking care of his own things. But when it comes to me, he's very He's very good about getting stuff done. Hmm.  I mostly watch men play sports. Um, I I don't I mean, I guess I'll watch like women's tennis, but I don't I don't watch women's basketball I don't really watch basketball at all and or hockey. Um, I will when the Olympics are on but I don't You know, I also this is another thing that I felt as I've gotten older. It's just that like I feel like women and men are so different and we're so good at different things and As a woman, I just don't feel Like I have to be as good as a man at a certain thing I just need to be The best that I can be at what I do. What do you mean by that? What do you mean by that? Like I just don't I don't you know, it's like the masters is coming up right the golf tournament And women aren't allowed to play at Augusta international on the course. It's a male only course And you know, there are women that have been fighting against that and who want to play or they just want to play because of You know, their Co-workers get to play and they don't they think deals are getting made on the golf course and um, I just I don't really agree with that I think I wish that there were places that men couldn't go You know, I was there, you know, I I like having Certain things separate. I you know, if I heard the case and I was the judge in that I would definitely Not bring my own opinion into it, but just As a woman, I just don't understand why I have to be I have to do what a man does Or be able do you think women Can be more vicious than men I have a theory about this I think oh I think we're way more vicious. We think way more deeper than you guys do Like when I'm thinking of something that's going to hurt your feelings, it's going to go way deeper than you could imagine So yes, I think that women are much more vicious because you don't go to violence men Are always weighing violence versus intelligence whereas women just always use their brain not their brawn So just it sharpens their viciousness Right. Yeah, I just feel like there are ways around the problem. I don't like when I It's if I were working in a situation where everyone was getting Booked at the comedy store because they played golf with this club owner And I wasn't allowed to play on that course In my mind, I'm like, well, there's a way around this.  Is that still a novelty? Uh, I don't think it's a big novelty that used to be. I think there are a lot more women that do it But I don't think you know people come up to me a lot and they go I don't really find women funny, but I think you're very funny And I agree with that statement I don't find a lot of women funny either. I don't find a lot of men funny I don't find a lot of people funny, but you're not a lot to say that you can't you can't say I don't find women funny I mean, that's just right there. That would make me want I mean, that's a ridiculous statement that somehow seems to be okay Well, I don't find all women funny I don't you know like but there's a lot of people like we all just have different senses of humor and And I think that um, what are you worried about when you go up tonight when you go up tonight On stage you're on the road What is the outcome you're looking for and what are you afraid of what are you afraid that? For example The you're gonna watch the crowd and you're gonna be afraid the women Aren't gonna be on your side because the guys are laughing and they're threatened by you Is there a female male dynamic Still at play on a comedy stage or have we outgrown that there was a time When female comics had to be very careful not to alienate The women in the crowd because their boyfriends or husbands were laughing at them. Is that still an issue? I could be for some ladies that for me. I think that um, I never I've never run into that issue Um, and I think that's because I put the audience first I want everybody to laugh what what I want is for All the women to leave they're wanting to be my best friend And all the women to which they could Marry me or be my friend or be in my life in some way and I tend to achieve that That's my goal. My goal is to Have something for everybody That also makes me laugh Will you stop doing my time up there? So you so you're you're you're measuring the success of a set By the laughs or how you're perceived Oh, definitely by the laugh, but you know Um, if I didn't have people coming up to me after the show thing I wish you lived here. I wish I could just hang out with you. You were just like me I you were just like talking from my brain up there like those are the best compliments ever because You know And it's a really huge compliment when a guy comes up to me afterwards and it's like Men I had no idea like I'm gonna start doing all the things you suggested You know when you make men want to be better men and you want women to demand better of themselves like I have a lot of my material right now is about Being a lady and conducting myself as a lady and I feel like there's a There's a there's a big I call it lazy um Focus from a lot of women in comedy lately that is about that And being drunk, you know, it's all about being a whore and being Fine with that and if that's what they want to do then great that is not me I'm gonna be and I And I expect to be treated that way and I know I have the mouth of a sailor, but I'm gonna act like a lady and I think that If I find when I find a man who I believe I have Who Is worthy of my love. I will give him all the respect and act like a lady around him You know, it's interesting. You you said you have you have a mouth of a sailor because the other night this guy told me I had the mouth of a sailor and I said really this is the first time I've ever blown a guy It's that Is that so I I saw that joke coming Yeah, I know I know, but I love it.  Let me guess Let me guess was it the hotel you stayed in the last hotel That jack kennedy ever stayed in wasn't that where he Yes, the hotel texas here. Is it still there? If it is it's called it's a hilton now Is there a presidential suite or a dead presidential suite? Yes, they have a presidential suite and then uh shockers all are off at the bar It can you stay in the room? I mean is that uh, I probably but I don't think the comedy club will put you up in that expensive of a room I actually don't know This seems to be a lot of um You know a lot of conference people there And I always had the stockyards one day. That was pretty cool for me too Going to the stock at your door stock yard. Uh-huh Or the original stock exchange, you know For the floor it became You know new york look forward You mean like actual livestock. Yeah, livestock, right abalone They would bring the cattle up to Chicago is what you're talking about, right They yeah, they brought them uh, every they came from all the round and then people started You know having stockyards in there and every count and they didn't have to migrate to Fort Worth all the time Right It's fascinating We've been talking with sarah tiana. Thank you so much for doing this you can see here This weekend at yuck yucks in calgary Canada and then it's on to vancouver at yuck Yeah, and that's a club called the comedy mix. I don't think they have a yuck yucks there anymore And you can watch her on midnight on comedy central and All the different rows. I'm gonna be on uh on april 8th. I'm doing the comedy jam on comedy central But i'm singing in a long it's more a set song so that should be really Interesting is dave cullier doing backup Yeah Yeah, you want to know you want to know That uh, by the way, I I I came up with a joke when chuck parrot chuck parry when chuck barry died I figured nobody was going to get this and you and I worked on the the burn And I just wrote a burn joke for jeff ross, but the show's not on anymore and it was r i p e e chuck barry I All right, we use that compete Huh, he used to pee on women. Well, I don't want to Men he used to pee on men. I but you're in the neighborhood So, uh, and I thought nobody's gonna get that jokes.  Those ones are so fun. How do people get in touch with you sarah tiana? Uh On twitter instagram. It's at sarah tiana sarah with an h Tiana with a tiana no at tiana. It's like tr but with an n. Yeah Thank you so much for for doing this. I know how big you're welcome so much Thank you for asking me. I always love talking to you.  Thank you I am you are Thank you sarah. Thank you gilbert godfried.  I don't care Share this episode with all your friends, please from the show briz studios in downtown Manhattan That'll do it for us


But, insists the capitalists, you couldn't materialize your labor, you couldn't spin without my cotton and my spindles, you must pay extra for that. Well, says the laborer, the cotton would have rotted and the spindles rusted if I hadn't used them for spinning. The three pounds of yarn which you are deducting do represent it is true only the value of your cotton and your spindles which were used up and are therefore contained in the five pounds of yarn. But it is only my labor that has maintained the value of cotton and spindles unchanged by using these means of production as means of production. I'm not charging you anything for this value-maintaining power of my labor because it didn't cost me any extra labor time beyond the spinning itself, for which I get the two pounds. It's a natural faculty of my labor which cost me nothing, though it maintains the value of the constant capital. As I don't charge you anything for it, you can't charge me for not being able to spin without spindles and cotton, for without spinning, your spindles and cotton wouldn't be worth a brass farthing. Driven into a corner, the capitalist says the two pounds of yarn are in fact worth two shillings. They represent that much labor time of yours, but am I to pay you for them before I have sold them? Perhaps I may not sell them at all. That is risk number one. Secondly, perhaps I may sell them at less than their price. That is risk number two. And thirdly, in any case, it takes time to sell them. Am I to take on both risks on your behalf without recompense and lose my time into the bargain? You can't expect something for nothing. Wait a bit, replies the worker. What's the relation between us? We face each other as owners of commodities. You as buyer, we as sellers. For you want to buy our share in the product, the two pounds, and it in fact contains nothing but our own materialized labor time. Now you assert that we must sell you our commodity below its value, so that as a result, you would be getting more value in commodity than you now have in money. The value of our commodity is equal to two shillings. You want to give only one shilling for it, so that, since one shilling contains as much labor time as one pound of yarn, you would get from the exchange twice as much value as you give in return. We, on the other hand, would get instead of an equivalent only half of an equivalent, an equivalent for only one pound of yarn instead of two. And on what do you base this demand, which is contrary to the law of value and the exchange of commodities in proportion to their value? On what? On the fact that you are a buyer and we are a seller, that our value is in the form of yarn, of a commodity and your value is in the form of money. That the same value in the form of yarn confronts the same value in the form of money. But my good friend, that is in fact a mere change of form, which affects the way in which the value is expressed, but leaves the amount of value unaltered. Or do you hold to the childish view that every commodity must be sold under its price, that is to say, for less than the sum of money which represents its value, because in the form of money it gets an increased value. But no, good friend, it does not get any increased value. The magnitude of its value does not change. It merely takes the shape of exchange value in its pure form. Besides, my good friend, think of the troubles you are laying up for yourself by taking this line. For what you assert amounts to this, that the seller must always sell his commodity to the buyer below its value. Indeed, as far as you are concerned, this was the case earlier when we sold you not a commodity we produced, but our labor power itself. It is true that you bought it at its value, but you bought our actual labor below the value in which it is expressed. However, that's an unpleasant memory. Let's say no more about it. We've gone beyond that. Thank goodness. Since, by your own decision, we are no longer to sell you our labor power as a commodity, but the commodity itself which is the product of our labor. Let's look at the troubles you're laying out for yourself. The new law you have set up, that the seller pays for the conversion of his commodity into money, not with his commodity through the exchange of his commodity for money, but that he pays for it by selling the commodity below its price. This law, which the buyer always fleeces and defrauds the seller, must hold good in like measure for every buyer and seller. Let's suppose that we accept your offer, but on the condition that you yourself submit to the law just created by you. Namely, the law that the seller must surrender to the buyer a part of his commodity for nothing, in return for the buyer changing it into money for him. Then you buy our two pounds, which are worth two shillings, for one shilling, and thus make a profit of one shilling, or 100%. But now you have five pounds of yarn of a value of five shillings, after you have bought the two pounds belonging to us. Now you think you're going to do a good stroke of business. The five pounds cost you only four shillings, and you're going to sell them for five shillings. Wait a minute, says the man who buys from you.  I have the same value in money and I am a buyer. Consequently, by the law which you recognize, I must make 100% profit out of you. You must therefore sell me the five pounds of yarn at 50% below its value for two shilling sixpence. I'll give you then two shillings and sixpence, and get in exchange a commodity to the value of five shillings. And thus make 100% profit out of you, for what sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. So you see my good friend, continues the worker. Where you get with your new law, you would simply have diddled yourself, since although at one moment you are a buyer, the next you're in turn a seller. In this particular case, you would lose more as a seller than you gained as a buyer. And don't forget this too. Before the two pounds of yarn you want now to buy from us ever existed. Didn't you make other purchases in advance, but for which the five pounds of yarn would never have been there at all? Didn't you buy cotton and spindles in advance, which are now represented by three pounds of yarn?  They represented commodity, you money. Exactly the same relationship as we have the honor or misfortune to stand into each other at this moment. Wouldn't the sharp cotton jobber and your jovial colleague from Oldham have had a good laugh at you if you had demanded that they hand over to you for nothing a part of the cotton and spindles, or what is the same thing, sell you these commodities below their price and their value. On the ground that you were transforming commodities for them into money, but they were transforming money into commodities for you, that they were sellers and you a buyer. They risked nothing, for they got ready money, exchange value in the pure independent form. You on the other hand, what a risk you were taking. First, you had to make spindles and cotton into yarn, run all the risks of the production process and then finally the risk of reselling the yarn, changing it back again into money. The risk, whether it would sell at its value or over or under its value. The risk of not selling it at all, of not transforming it back into money, and as to its quality as yarn. You didn't care straw for it. You did not eat yarn, nor drink it, nor have any use whatever for it except selling it. And in any case, the loss of time in transforming the yarn again into money, and that includes therefore the transformation of spindles and yarn into money. Old boy, your colleagues will reply, don't make a fool of yourself, don't talk nonsense.  What use you destined them for? Burn them, hang them if you like, throw them to the dogs, but pay for them. The idea, we are to make you a present of our goods because you have set up as a cotton spinner and seem not to quite feel at ease in that line of business and magnify to yourself its risks and perilous chances. Give up cotton spinning or don't come into the market with such preposterous ideas. The capitalist with a supercilious smile replies to this tirade from the workers.  You're talking about things you don't understand. Do you imagine I've paid ready money to the Liverpool Ruffian and the man in Oldham? The devil I did. I've paid them in bills of exchange and the Liverpool Ruffian's cotton was in point of fact spun and sold before his bill fell due. With you, it's another affair altogether. You want to get ready money. Very well, say the laborers, and what did the Liverpool Ruffian and the Oldham man do with your bills? What they were doing with them, says the capitalist.  They lodged them with their bankers and got them there discounted. How much did they pay the banker? Let me see. Money is now very cheap. I think they paid something like 3% discount. That is to say not 3% on the sum, but they paid so much on the sum for the time the bill was running as would have come up to 3% on the whole matter if the bill had run for a whole year. Still better, say the working men. Pay us two shillings, the value of our commodity, or say 12 shillings as we have dealt today per day, but we will deal per week. But take away from that sum 3% per annum for 14 days. But this bill is too small, says the capitalist, to be discounted by any banker. Well, reply the working men. We are 100 men, thus you have to pay to us 1200 shillings. Give us a bill for them. This makes 60 pounds and is not too small the sum to be discounted, but besides, as you discount it yourself, the sum must not be too small for you, since it is the identical sum once you pretend to derive your profit on us. The amount deducted wouldn't be worth mentioning, and since we would thus get the major part of our product in its entirety, we would soon reach the point when we didn't need you to discount it for us. Naturally, we will not give you any longer credit than the 14 days the stock-jobber gives you.