We're gonna be talking about onboarding your new clients, which I know can be oh so much of a joy of making sure to get all of that information. And then a little bit about me, my name is Michelle Butcher-Jones. I am the COO of WebArk Technology. We're just a small little agency based out of, outside, a little bit outside of Las Vegas. Sorry, I had to complete mine, because I just actually started there a couple of weeks ago. I'm also on the staff for Cornell University doing content for the Johnson School of Business. I am a Work Camp US organizer since 2017. And every year, it all depends on if I'm going to be continuing doing it, because let me tell you, contributing to, and being an organizer for Work Camps, we'll do a little pause here for this, is a wonderful experience and I suggest everyone who likes to be in the community to be an organizer of a local Work Camp or join in as a volunteer organizer for like US or your other flagship ones if you're from Europe or like Asia. They are so much fun, but they are work. But they are so much fun. Core contributor, I was on the 5.7 All Women Lead Team. That was also a great experience. Headgeek for the website Can't Speak Geek, which is a little bit of talking about WordPress and technical stuff in non-geek terms. And when I do have time, I love to photograph. Why is onboarding important? Why can't we just hit the ground running? Well, when it comes to websites, you can't really hit the ground running. You've got to know how to log in, at least. And you've got to, when you're inheriting clients, especially who already have the sites, have hosting and they're like, we just want you to do our content. We just want you to do SEO. We're wanting you to just do some like CRO changes. And to do those kind of things, you have to get into the website. You have to get into their files and their hosting. If they're wanting to like migrate their hosting to you, you've got to be able to get into their DNS or their domain registrar. And so you have to have these logins. It's kind of like baking a cake. You have to get all of the ingredients before you can actually make it. And properly onboarding them will set you up in them up for success.   Or all you have to do when you're making it is just dumping it in. Now if you had to like unbox and open every item that you're doing to making a cake, that's gonna put on some extra time for your making it.  Because it was nothing more that will aggravate a developer. When they're like, hey, we need you to change the color of the header from blue to purple. They're like, all right, I can do that.  Can't change colors if I can't get in because it's a CSS change. And we don't want to do that in like the file editor in the backend because CSS is a little bit different but if you're working on a PHP file using the theme editor and you go to like add a function or something like that, you forget to put that semicolon in. Guess what's gonna happen to the website? Boom. And then you have to get that information to be able to fix the site because you sure can't do it through the theme editor. But why is it always such a headache to get that information? Show of hands, how many people who have onboarded clients in the past where you are taking in already built sites and they're like, we don't know where our site is hosted or we don't, what's DNS? I don't know where I bought my domain. Oh, the guy who worked for us 17 years ago has our GoDaddy account.  Why were they not educated when the site was built or given a list of like, here is where your login is, this is where you're hosted, that's your URL, this is where your DNS is and giving it to them because it is their property. And so many of them are like, I don't know. And so you have to go on a hunt to get that information which should have taken you like a 15 million meaning now takes you three hours and 14 days and a carrier pigeon to get it all. And it's many clients are just not educated with it. They pretty much, especially if they get just a one-off developer to build the site, they're like, here it's live, have fun, bye. And they're like, wait, how do I log in? How do I update content? How do I, anything? They're like, well, maybe I should find an agency to help out with the maintenance for it since I don't know what I'm doing. And it's also the wild, wild west. Unfortunately, there's not much of having, sorry, can not think of the word, you know, just norms of how to ask for the information or even like cheat sheets that are out there, like there's a lot of things in Canva and like Google's templates where, you know, asking for information if you are a school or something like that, but there's not much in there for us for finding out information. But you can make this easier on you and I promise you can because I have dealt with kind of not having any of those type of information readily available for me. So what I did is by little OD, OCD, HDBrain, is I made it for myself. And it has helped out so much to have that information readily available, have that template that goes out to them that already has all the information on it. And the first thing is just be prepared for it. Have all your items ready. Have a package that's like, you know, if you use teamwork, have a teamwork template project set up where it already has like your folders in there and what information you need to ask for. And if you're just a web agency, have like a folder that is for development, a folder that's for support, folder for design, or if you're like a digital marketing full agency where you have the SEO and social and support web and all of that divided out. And then also, this is one I cannot say enough is to have one login email and a default username for your clients. Because if not, they would be like, oh, our login to WP Engine is frank at gotmail.com and here's the password. Well, the next person is, oh, we're at WP Engine too. Our login is jack at site one.com. And so you might end up, if you have like a hundred clients, 32 different logins for just WP Engine clients. And then like say 12 for Flywell and 17 for SiteGround where you could have it set up where they just send you delegate access to that one like say, client logins at webarch.tech. So then all of them go right there. So if ever you have to log into WP Engine, you know it's the one login and you could look at it from there. And also for having the one username, it makes it so much easier so you're not going, what's the login to this? And then always have your own login to the client site and to the client's hosting if available. If they're on a C-Panel type of host, typically those don't have shared access but we'll get into that a little bit later. And then document all the things. And then also something I did not put in here is have one central place for all of the information. So you're not like having like five Doompiles going, I know I have that login here, okay, here it is. You know, there's, you can build your own internal site, air table, even as simple as having one big spreadsheet where you have each client on a row and it has all the logins and stuff in it for you. But just have one central source of truth for that information. And then for going into the documentation type stuff, in Google Slides it does not make it easy to put in a portrait style PDF in a landscape thing, so I kind of chopped them all up. But the first thing is, is have a new client login form that will have all the information and this is actually three slides but you'll be able to see in the part. The first one, have the business name is a lot of people cannot really remember what the client name is, well remember what the website is. And then have that name and then also that main website URL because like we'll pick on Verizon Wireless. I could have Verizon Wireless here but one of their URLs is this vzw.com. If you don't have that URL up there you might just always just go to VerizonWireless.com instead of like maybe what their actual one is because a lot of different businesses will have like domain names that are close but not exact to what their business name is. And then in this also make sure you're getting the client's names or titles, emails and stuff which you already have I know in your sales CRM but you'll want to make it easily accessible with all the other login information. And then going down in this, I have this as just a paper thing to do, you can set this up in like a Google form which I ain't too thrilled with or I was gonna say a contact form on the website is also good but make sure you're using something that can encrypt it. Please by all please do not say hey send us an email with all your logins and plain text. Please don't ever do that. If you wanted to have it that way and not have an actual form, you can say please I need this information please send that to me via a quick forget link or a one time secret.com. I personally like quick forget better because quickforget.com will give you the option to set multiple days and multiple times it can be used and you can attach files to it. Quickforget.com, one time secret.com. In these like say I can put in my information say it can be accessed five times within 24 hours. After 24 hours that link no longer works and you can't access that information. But if you use it for sending two clients make sure you say this link can only be looked at like three times in 72 hours I think is a default. Make sure you copy this down in a safe place so you don't lose it because like if I reset a client's password I drop it straight into there so even I don't save it because if it's a personal login to something I shouldn't know their login. But for this you'll want the WordPress login and then or we say you set it up for us and give us that information.  So it's always good to have that before migrating so you know what you're getting yourself into. The domain DNS login because anyone who's ever had to migrate a site and then have to send them the IP address and changes wait for them to do it to let us know that they did it if they even let us know they did it and then sometimes they're like well why is my site getting an SSL error because you didn't tell me you changed it so I haven't set it up yet because you have to wait for the site to go live before the SSL will work. And then if they're using DNS that's different from domains like say they were on Bluehost for a while Bluehost likes you to have their DNS there and then also like Cloudflare if they're using that you definitely want them to delegate access to you for Cloudflare because of clearing cash issues if you're building things. And that is one definitely that they can send to your default address. But then also something a lot of people doesn't think about is the premium login themes and other logins. Say you use Salesforce on your site you have gravity forms on your site you are like an Avada or an infold theme user or you're using your Toppo client reputation management. This is a place where you put in those logins for it because of course if you don't get one like say they're a WooCommerce site and you don't say get them to send you a Stripe login to their account guaranteed a week later something will go wrong with their Stripe connectivity. And it's always good to have that information beforehand because for anyone who worked in web longer in about five minutes have learned Murphy's law on what can go wrong will go wrong happens I think in this career field than any other career field. Because like what do we not do on Friday? We do not launch on a Friday. And then the other thing that I like to put on here for the client is the above logins have been reviewed and verified that they work because how many times have they sent you like say they're go daddy login and the password's been changed. Putting that on them to check that they are right before giving them to you. So that should make your life a lot easier. And then the acknowledgement that they know if they change any of these passwords for like say the cPanel account that they can't share access to they will let us know within five working days. So we're not out here trying to chase a new login and then I want them to sign and date it so that they know. And because when you get those acknowledgements that makes it a bit easier later down on the road when there are questions. But then also I have cheat sheets that I've made up for helping people who like say and a new account managers came in where they were like an account manager for Coca-Cola since I know Coca-Cola. But wait a minute, this is a Pepsi area, right? Not Coca-Cola. For especially the people's knowledge like say if you get an account manager that worked for Coca-Cola that's now came over to your web agency where they understand if how to keep clients happy but they don't know the technical jargon. This is where it's really good to have the knowledge-based type information. And I did, you can find my cheat sheets actually at mlb.pw slash sheet ssheets. But I did put some of the basic information on here for you all as well as to go through. Give it a minute for if you want to write that down or screenshot it. And it'll also have a PDF of my client form on there that you can download it is in Adobe but you can copy the information and make it in your own for branding and stuff. Or if there's something you're doing like two months later you're like, oh Michelle you probably forgot to put such and such on it, let me know because it just makes my life easier for knowing what things that should actually be on there because we're all growing experience on learning here. But the first thing is what information do we ask for and why do we ask for it? And I gave answers for all of these questions on the cheat sheet. But like the first one, what type of site do you have? Sometimes they don't even know what type of site that they have. And what is a site URL? That's another question kind of make sure that you are in the right place. What is the admin logins that goes back to your sheet? Can you provide us with hosting or FTP access? One of the things I'll go in for with hosting or FTP access. For a liability reason if you are doing any type of support work, make sure you have hosting or at least FTP or SFTP depending on whether hosted access because you don't want to make those changes like using WP file manager plugin or using the theme editor or plugin editor to make those changes. Because in the event like you forget one of those semicolons bringing the site down well then you're having to get a hold of the client to let them know oh your site is down and I do need the hosting to get in there to fix it because you wouldn't give it to me beforehand. All that's gonna do is make it upset client, your team's gonna be upset, it's not gonna be good situation. And I am of the type where you give me this information or we are only doing content and media changes. I will not update a plugin, I will not put a plugin on the site, I will not change any CSS, even putting it in the customizer, I will not do anything that involves even the little bit of code or something that can cause a plugin conflict if I cannot get the back access to be able to fix it if need be. And then also is your site or FTP controlled by IP address. A lot of times people put on plugins or set in their HD access that only certain IP addresses can access the back end of the site or can access the file manager. You'll kinda need to know that to be able to make sure to get into the site.  It's good to kinda find out that information at the beginning. And then also one that skipped a lot is your site or multi-site. So I've seen a number of times where you go in to work on a site and you can't see the plugins because it's a multi-site and you only have one access to the one sub-site. And then also does your site have an SSL and what type of certificate they have? A lot of times now with hosts they'll just have the free let's encrypt type one. But some of them that say if you get like a doctor's office or one of those they might have a actual paid SSL certificate that they'll need to migrate over for like HIPAA or government contracts or they just want the bigger one because they're a big e-commerce type company. And then also some cheats for hosting and login access again going back of having the admin login or super admin and then again going back having the default username and email to give to the clients and also make sure that the passwords for each one of these sites are different because if you keep the same password for all of them if one site gets hacked with that password and it's found out to the little hacker bot guess what's gonna happen? Everyone of the passwords you're using everyone of the sites you're using with that password including if it's in your personal ones will also be able to be able to get into quickly because most of those password bots once they learn password is the one that is being used it just starts putting in a rotation for ping. And then hosting, be ready with URLs to send to the clients for popular hosting links to share how to delegate that access. In my cheat sheets page you'll see for the login and hosting cheat sheet it will give you a list of some of the most known hosting companies like GoDaddy and Bluehost and H2 Hosting, WP Engine, Flywell there'll be URLs in there to tell you how to share access or if there are C-Panel-based ones I'll put a note in and stay in there. And I always recommend the delegate access over them giving the login is how many picking on GoDaddy because this is one that it does happen a lot on is they'll say oh my GoDaddy number is my password is just go ahead and log in there and you can do everything and you sit down in a new IP address and you go to log in there's a little box we need your, do you want me to send it to your email or to your phone number for a key? Now I gotta call this client, hope the answer or set up a time for them to answer for me to be able to get into this. You'll do that about four times before you or like the next time I'm logging in here I'm just sending myself delegate access and I will do that every time they're adamant on I don't know how to do the delegate access I'm like all right we'll send it to me we'll log in right now and I will send it to myself so I don't have to wait for that text message or email because there's only for GoDaddy 10 minute window you can do it and so many times you'll email them and be like hey you should have just gotten an email from GoDaddy with a key in it please send it to me and they send you at like the 12th minute and of course it doesn't work thanks and then again if they don't want to give you access just kindly let them know what you're willing to do with their site due to liability because like a site goes down and yet it is your fault that it went down because like say missing that semi colon and they're like well why'd you take the site down blah blah blah well if I would have had the access I requested this would not have been an issue you said would have been down for like 30 seconds and not 17 minutes and in onboarding terms you need to know there's a sheet in there for this I think it might actually say DNS sheet but like the different type of terms of what is a website what is a domain or URL what is host and hosting what is files what is a database what different types of servers like what's the difference between managed hosting and a C panel what is FTP SFTP SSH what is domains and DNS where you're talking about the lingo with what's an A record what's a C name what's an MX record like for you know when we send over the A records from migrating a site and we're like here's the IP code and they're like well my site's currently pointing with a C name I put the number in there and it said it didn't work or I need you like WP engine powered I tried to put it in where it said for the A record and it said it wouldn't take it and you'd be able to explain how that works and then what's a text record and then using the at sign and DNS and then different types of common domain and DNS companies and then also another thing is where to find site info at who is hosting this.com who is built with and then there is a gosh I cannot remember the name of it now but there is an extension for Google WAP-a-Lizer WAP-a-Lizer that will tell you like what type of site it is like if it's Wix or Shopify, huh? WAP-a-Lizer W-A-P-A-L-L-I-Z-E-R and it'll tell you like what technology on sometimes it will tell you what hosting company they're on and a lot of information it's like I had a client that came over and said we're Shopify site, we're Shopify site and they did have Shopify stuff except for we couldn't figure out we would change the stuff on Shopify and you couldn't see it on the main site and this went through three different developers one of the developers was a really great senior developer and they couldn't figure out why making these changes on Shopify wouldn't work. That's because their main site was on Contentful and it was me looking at it clicking the WAP-a-Lizer button and going guys no one thought to check it we trust clients now with all these informations and we're not looking they also say they start looking every time and then also with the lingo type stuff it was one thing I didn't have up here is to know like the acronyms and things for I had a client one time that was very technical client was having their site rebuilt and they were talking about the needs for the hosting because they were on Amazon web services and the gal who was talking to the client didn't really know the technical type stuff and so she said well we're on Flywheel and that's an engine X type of server yes how she spelled engine X E-N-G-I-N-E-X and it was a very technical client and I was just like oh gosh hold on a minute let me message it back I'm guessing spell checks such as her N-G-N-X to engine X ha ha type of thing to kind of smooth it over because I knew that client was gonna be like these people don't even know how to talk the right tech and then also like I said send the information securely if you're going to do it through an online way like if you're using gravity farms make sure it's got the encryption set up or like one of the form things do not send it please over plain text emails and then also research before the onboarding meeting that's where I'm like use built with see where it's hosted at and be ready with the knowledge already kind of know where they're hosting it so when they're like well we don't know where the site's hosted you can be like oh actually I've already looked it up it's on WP Engine you'll be able to go to mywpengine.com to log in to be able to send us the delegate access and then have that onboarding meeting with the client it is so important to be face to face and saying this is the information we need this is why we need it and this is why it's important because you're setting yourself up to have those expectations when I ask you the client for this information it is a need and you should give it to me or we're not gonna be able to be a successful partnership in this and then also to set up that expectations of time too of you know we are asking you for this information the longer you take the longer we're gonna get started on it because if you're like building a site and say you're waiting for the client for content or images and stuff then you're already starting to see with how long it takes them to get you back the onboarding information probably how long it's gonna take to get the content back and the images back and the QAs back you're already gonna be able to see a bit of a picture on that and as I mentioned it is required and it really does set the tone with them to show this is how we do you can talk about your process going through it and it's also just a good get to know you type at the time where you're already past that sales process where you're not having to be nervous about that are you sure for the sale you've already passed that nervousness you're getting ready to really talk about the meat and potatoes of the stuff but you're having that more one-on-one with them and then we're done and then the whole slides for the information can be found at mlb.pw slash wcatl 2023 All right, we'll kick it off with some questions I'll go over here first make it over to Susan second First of all, thank you for the presentation it was wonderful One resource that can be very helpful to go along with a lot of what you said is a online resource called clickminding.com They have just about every SOP standard operating procedure already documented CLICK? CLICKED.com Clickminded you need to have a customer of yours send you their Google Analytics stuff and they don't know how clickminding has a step-by-step tutorial on how to do it and you just send it so they have every standard operating procedure and you can recommend to them one that you need, they'll write it up for you No, is that a free resource or a paid monthly? There's free resources up to a certain point then you have paid and agency level the agency level you can wipe it with but clickminding has every standard operating procedure available everything to do with Facebook, social media, WordPress, you name it No thanks, I have not heard about that I hope this isn't like a silly question but on boarding for clients along my stuff I do gravity forms through links that I share from my website Could I not ask them to fill in this information via gravity forms? I would be okay for filling out the information via gravity forms but I would not have it to send you an email with all the information in that email I would just have it set for delete out the all fields thing and maybe just put their contact information in it so you know that it came in and then you can go to your website and pull it down from the entry Yes, when you go into the notifications area in the message field it typically will have the all fields and you can just delete that out and then put in what you want on the right side there's a little like we'll say it has a little square with a little brackets in it you can click on and it will help you populate those fields Hmm? Yes, and also delete that entry after you copied everything and so it's not sitting in your database I'm sorry, I'm not able to see the slide that went up with those two so I'm wondering what else it might do Oh, I'm sorry Did it work right? You know what, it didn't take so I'm sorry Oh, made it work right? Okay, fine, you got it There you go Now it works So what you gonna do with the client? That's when you know you've messed up a few times and how to fix it real quickly Awesome, well we have a few extra minutes does it further any other questions from Michelle? From me I had a question Sure So I do some client service work as well and integrating these clients into a process and creating that process when I don't really have one I just kind of help out where I can You have any advice for how we can start to develop a process and integrate that into the flow of the practice? Find you an OCD friend and they love writing processes Nathan's talk and another kind of way to look at is for if you're doing agency or agency of one work for processes take a look at some of the other bigger agencies especially if you're wanting more of like internal how to security type stuff human maids technical resource that they have online is amazing and can get you a lot of the information about security best practices and stuff for your companies for when it comes to like how to ask for information or migrating sites or any of those type of processes honestly asking around Twitter if anyone has resources they'd want to share with you grabbing out what you see blog posts where they go through it and writing your own WP beginner taking what they have and making it more focused towards to yours what you do because a lot of times like say they'll be a write up of say how to migrate to WP engine from Bluehost but it won't get into I need to put at the bottom that we're adding them to manage WP and putting that information into our client database information you can just add that stuff that makes it uniquely yours at the bottom of those type of processes and there's actually I cannot remember the name of it right now but there is an also I can tweet it out and do hashtag workampatlanta but there is a knowledge base plugin that is free on request.org slash plugins that I have been using that has been amazing for building my own knowledge base processes I don't know it but I'm going to look for the knowledge base plugin I do not know it but I'm going to tweet it out and do hashtag workampatlanta for it but because I've been working on building my own new knowledge base for the company I need to start working at Very cool we have another question it was just to add what we were saying it's worked very well for us at our agency for me as myself to think about future out of and to put a bit more work into the effort we do at the beginning of our project because later on it makes life easier for future out the more that we stop and think now the more that we document now as much as it feels like this barrier we have to get over and you just want to get started and give me the positive or whatever future out is really going to make so we're thinking about thinking ahead putting the other thing is we're going to have a larger agency when I joined people have this kind of imposter syndrome I mean you look at other people they're way more organized than you they normally aren't so the time that you put into putting together that template what gets you there doesn't have to be perfect now but you start it you try to use it the next time and you build on it and then the other thing is we don't want anything in spreadsheets we don't want all our passwords in one place it just seems like a huge risk but we will use things like a one password or something like that that way we can have thoughts from our different staff members and if somebody needs the organization you can pull away their access I am a huge fan of one password or last pass or key pass or anything you can put all of your passwords in where all you have to remember is the one password to get into there I really didn't get into that side of it for onboarding because that is a very big soapbox that I climb on it takes a whole lot longer than 40 minutes when it comes to security best practices for agencies as a matter of fact I do actually have a talk on Intro to Security that is on WordPress TV where I get really into about how secure things are and how to be secure online here is actually that knowledge based plug-in that I mentioned knowledge based for documentation facts with iInsistence its layout is really clean it's got three or four different ways you can set it up and it just looks really nice and it's easy to set up and it seems to be pretty lean and pretty supported well thank you so much everyone for having me Michelle thank you so much thank you


Hello, everybody. Welcome back to also use presentation today. We're going to be discussing relationship relationship skills 101 for teens using dbt to deal with intense emotions. During this presentation, we're going to help teens look at how to look at themselves because a lot of times teens and adolescents and even some adults tend to be very critical when they're looking at themselves. So we're going to want to look at examining that because the way they look at themselves and the way they perceive themselves is going to directly impact how they interface with other people. We'll encourage them to examine their relationships and we'll talk about why it's important for teens but adults as well. I mean a lot of what we're going to talk about today is very germane to any population you work with. But why is it important to examine relationships. We'll look at how up and down emotions fuel the relationship roller coaster and we know with teens, they're still developing a lot of their coping skills. And they don't have the experiences under their belt that we do. So they can't say, Oh, that's not a big deal in the life of many teenagers, everything's a really big deal. Then we'll look at how to help teens stop letting their emotions control them, help them reduce their judgments to improve their attitude. And, you know, if you have teenagers at home or if you work with teens, you know that judgmentalism is high on their list. My daughter found a meme the other day that said her eyes are the strongest muscle in her body because she does at least 350 I rolls a day. And she sent it to me and we both laughed because we both know how true it is but stop fighting reality and deal with it. Helping teens and others accept reality and and not try to argue about what should be or what they want to be it is what it is. Then we'll move on to not letting your urges control you as a, especially as teenagers, when they are still developing their coping skills when they're still dealing with life when everything still seems to be a crisis. Sometimes when they feel a feeling, because remember feelings have emotions thoughts and physical sensations as well as urges. So what is angry look like to you in terms of your physical sensations your thoughts and your urges and those urges we want to control we don't want them lashing out we don't want them lashing in. And then we'll end with improving your relationship with yourself which, of course, before you can have a good relationship with anyone else, you have to have a good relationship with yourself. And in this day and age, I never thought I'd say that phrase but anyway, in this day and age. It's really hard for a lot of teens to have a very accurate relationship of themselves, because they're constantly bombarded with external stimulus. When I was younger, you know before the internet. When you went home, you had quiet time and you could reflect on things. Now people have stimulus and input and judgments and all kinds of stuff 24 7365 if they stay awake that much. So starting out looking at yourself when teenagers start having problems in relationships. We want to know, you know what are the problems in your relationships what I may deem as a problem in someone's relationship they may not think is a problem. So we want to talk about what is it that you see as the problem in your relationship what is it that you want in this relationship that you're not getting. What are some of the behaviors you are engaging in that are causing these problems and this is kind of a hard one so. I don't jump right into this question when I'm working with teenagers, especially because they can get defensive they're like well I'm not doing anything. Okay, so we'll talk about some of the relationships and what are what's going on what prompts it. And then we'll ease into this question about, well, you told me that when you and your friend were having this argument instead of calling each other up on the phone or meeting together to discuss it. You decided to get into you decided to start posting stuff on Instagram. So in what way could that have instigated or stoked the fire of some of these problems. Become mindful and live in the present, encouraging people to be conscious and be cognizant of people because what they've done in the past, they could do in the future. It doesn't mean they will. Some people make a mistake in the past and guess what oh my gosh they learn from it. So we want to say remember the good things from the past. And then learn from things that happen in your relationship with this person in the past and let go of the bad. But likewise, and in teams as well as adults are guilty of saying well, if it happened in this relationship with Joe, then I'm going to generalize it all relationships. So this could happen in all of my relationships, and that can be very devastating in terms of wanting to form new and healthier relationships because you're taking something one person did one time. And you're expecting you start looking for that in future relationships. So remember the good from past relationships and learn from and let go of the bad if somebody wants to talk about stuff from the past we might say okay let's talk about what happened. Now has anything changed. What are some things this person's doing now to show you that it might not happen again. So look at the future identify their dreams and their goals and what they want and avoid creating catastrophes that happened yet. You know maybe they get into a relationship with somebody. And you know they hope they're going to be best friends forever. Well that's awesome. What is it going to look like. What could it look like what do you want it to look like. And most importantly, what are you going to do to make it happen is not just going to poof magically happen relationships take work and there's going to be ups there's going to be down there's going to be fights there's going to be tears. It happens and helping teenagers really understand this early on will prepare them for later in life. You get rough so the first time they hit a rough patch in a relationship they don't go well, I'm out.  Yeah, and I would say, do you know that's going to happen. And if there's a prior history with this person where it has happened, then we can say alright, what is the evidence that things have changed and it might not happen again. If there's no evidence of that, if the person, you know, betrayed them before, and they're still in a relationship for whatever reason. You know, maybe they've decided that, okay, there's that happened, and I can deal with it and I can accept it for what for whatever reason because the relationship as a whole is more important to me. All right, that's fine. What are you going to do to protect yourself. So you're not dwelling and anticipating and constantly fretting about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mindfulness exercises, paying attention throughout the day. If you're focusing at hand, or dwelling on the past or fretting about the possibilities in the book that I use to create this presentation.  Or what's going to happen at cheerleading practice next tomorrow or, you know, your mind's just all over the place. Are you focused, or are you out here. Telling on the past, we're going to talk about, okay, it happened. Why are you still focusing on it. What's meaningful about it, and what do you need to do to resolve it. You've dropped your books in the hallway. Okay, so tell me about what that experience was like, and what is it that you're afraid is going to happen because of it. Generally, when something keeps coming back, it's the mind saying, there's some sort of threat here. So we're going to talk about what do you think may happen because of it. And then we can talk about the likelihood of it. Are you anticipating something that is probable or improbable. I mean, it could be very possible, but how probable is it that six months from now, everybody's going to remember that. And then fretting about the possibilities, anything can happen. You know, and even things you haven't thought of can happen. So how much energy are you going to want to give to all of that. Versus just do the next right thing and focus on the present. So you don't make mistakes in the now practicing acceptance. When emotions are triggered, identify them and let them go instead of feeding them. And this is a really hard skill for a lot of people. Sometimes, and maybe especially teenagers, they're still very new to trying to deal with all the input. They're not just happy, mad, sad, glad, it's all of this stuff plus trying to fit in. Psychosocially, they're trying to figure out where do they belong, who do they belong with, whose approval do they need, how can they approve of themselves. And a lot of times with teenagers, they are very external validation focused. They're more concerned about what everybody else thinks than what they think. And that's, developmentally, that's where they are. And I'm not going to tell them that's wrong. We will try to build up the self esteem and the self approval. In addition to looking at, you know, what they're concerned about what their peers think, what their parents think, what their coach thinks. But when emotions are triggered, they get angry. What do they do with it? A lot of times teenagers will act out. They'll be like, Oh, no, you didn't, uh-huh. And the first thing they do is jump on Instagram and start flaming somebody or get into a fight or do something. So we want to say, what can you do when you feel angry? Okay, that's your brain saying there's a potential threat. Emphasis on potential. Something happened. The next step is to say, I am angry because and let it go. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. It's how you feel. What comes next is figuring out what to do with that information and emotion you have. What can I do to stop being angry? And then choosing from behaviors that get you to where you want to go. If you can take that time out, if we can help them identify the feeling and let it go, they'll have enough time to take a time out to go. All right. Now I have some options here and which one is going to get me closer to my ultimate goals of graduation, happy life, etc. Versus getting kicked out of school, being incarcerated, yada, yada. And then encourage them to try not to judge. And I say, let's start first with not judging yourself. There's so much judging that goes on through the media, through each other, and just judging ourselves about what's good, what's bad, what we did well, what we did poorly, what we should feel, what we shouldn't feel. Stop judging. Tell them to or encourage them to take an hour. A day is usually too long to start out with unless it's maybe like a Saturday where there's not a whole lot going on. But take an hour and try not to judge yourself for anything if you don't feel like doing something. Okay, you don't. You may not mean you can avoid doing it, but you don't feel like doing it. You know, if you don't feel like doing your chores, acknowledge it and then figure out what you're going to do next. If you're upset about something, if you're worried about something, acknowledge it. And instead of fighting it with it saying, I shouldn't be worried about it, let it go and go, okay, I'm worried about this. So what can I do to make the worry go away? Once they start developing an understanding of themselves, what they feel, what they think, what their triggers are, what their vulnerabilities are, start having them look at their relationships and part of this, which isn't really taught in schools and I don't think we as a society do a really good job of teaching it. What does a healthy relationship look like? What does communication look like? In American society, in large part, not everybody, but in large part, we're very guilty of trying to formulate our response before the other persons even finished speaking. So we're not hearing what they say. We hear some of their words and then we want to jump on the defensive. We want to assume we want to do this stuff. So healthy relationships, the first step is teaching people how to communicate. How do you listen with the intent to hear what's being said? And what's the difference between just hearing the words versus actually hearing the message? Practicing that. Have them work on acceptance, accepting themselves for who they are, you know, step one, and then accepting others for their faults. Interestingly, I find it's often a lot easier for people that I work with to accept faults and others than to accept their own faults. So if it's easier, let them start with accepting other people, false foibles and all, and then have them start looking back at themselves and going, okay, now you have the standard for everybody else in the world here. Why do you have the standard for yourself up here? What's the difference? Why are you unwilling to accept that you may be imperfect? Talk about healthy boundaries and limit setting. There's a lot of peer pressure with teenagers and because they want to be accepted, because they want to feel like they fit in, because they are seeking that external validation, partly because they don't know how to self validate. Healthy boundaries and limit setting are really challenging. So what do healthy boundaries look like for this particular adolescent and talk about some situations that they felt uncomfortable in and, you know, what the boundary they wanted to keep was and what the boundary they actually kept was. And how do you set limits with regard to sexuality, with regard to drinking, with regard to drug use, with regard to drinking and driving, or if you're in a car with somebody who's speeding, you know, there's a lot of times where people may feel uncomfortable. So rehearsing with the clients and helping them learn how to assert what their boundaries are, what they feel safe with is really important and then developing compassion for themselves and for other people. You know, if somebody else is having a really bad day, their first reaction may be one that's very judgmental and be like, well, Susie's being a so-and-so today. The reaction of compassion and non-judgementalism would be, Susie is really irritable today. She must be having a bad day. So encouraging compassion, again, for other people, but also for themselves.  Encourage them to identify what they think they could have done better and how to do better the next time, but then have compassion for themselves for, you know, when you were out there, did you give it 100%? If you did, were you able to do any better today? And help them understand that based on a whole host of things, you know, we're not going to have, we're not going to be 100% every day. You can be 100% most days, but you're not going to be 100% every day. Thinking like football games, sometimes a quarterback will go out and he will just make a really not good move.  And it was probably an unfortunate move, but having compassion for him that he was doing the best he could, you know, he didn't think in his head, well, how can I really throw this game? How can I screw this up? And, you know, how must he feel now that, you know, maybe he made some mistake that cost the team the game? I'm a Florida Gator, so, you know, I've experienced that a lot lately. Anyhow, what do you want from your relationships? Encourage people to sit, look at what is it that they want from a relationship? You know, if you are best friends forever, what does that look like? What behaviors would that other person do that would make you know that you mattered to them? This is one of those times that if it feels appropriate with the adolescent, sometimes I will kind of veer into the love languages and talking about not everybody expresses their feelings the same way. Everybody is effusive with compliments. Not everybody gives hugs. Some people give presents. Some people do nice things for the other person. Some people will give hugs. So encouraging them to say, in what way does this person express how they feel about me? A lot of times I'll try to avoid the term love languages because it freaks a lot of teenagers out. They're like, oh Lord, but if you can help them understand that we all communicate a little bit differently, it can help. And then go back to, with that in mind, what is it that you want from this particular relationship? You know, there are things that are common to most relationships like loyalty, honesty, fidelity, all those things we have in our ethical code. But then there are specific things people want from specific friends. And it's important for them to understand that and articulate that because guess what? Teenagers are no better at mind reading than we are. And they think they're pretty good at mind reading, but they're not. Finally, encourage them to examine their relationships that they have. What is this relationship providing for you? Because if you're in it, there's a reward. If you're putting energy into it, it's because you're getting something out of it. So what are you getting out of it? Also, if it is not a perfect relationship, which most aren't, have them look at what is lacking. What would you like to see improved and how can you do that? You know, maybe they're in a relationship with somebody that goes to a different school. So they don't talk as much and they don't see each other very often. And they wished that there was more like real face-to-face interaction. All right. Well, you can't just expect that person to know that's what you want and make it happen. So what can you do to start improving the amount of contact that the two of you have? And then have them write a My Best Friend essay. Creating this picture of what their best friend would look like. You know, are they compassionate? Are they caring? Are they smart? Are they just anything they want to put in there? Don't tell them why because I want to know what they want in their best friend. And then I take that and I say, okay, now do this for yourself. If you want loyalty, then be loyal to yourself, which means you need to be true to yourself. If you want honesty, then you need to be honest with yourself. You know, sometimes it's going to really not be pleasant, but you can handle it. But also look for these qualities in other people and look for these qualities in your current friends about how they're honest and loyal and truthful. I want them to focus on the positives. Because like I said, every relationship has negatives. Every person will make mistakes. Teenagers especially tend to be very, very good at focusing on mistakes. So I want to encourage them to start looking at some of the positives with the people that they're interacting with. Benefits of healthy relationships. So why should we as clinicians work on this in counseling? Because adolescents, I mean, everybody needs belonging and validation and acceptance and all that kind of stuff. But adolescents especially are in that phase where they're feeling very vulnerable because they're trying to figure out where they belong. They're getting ready to finish high school, then they've got to choose a career and then start adulting and it's overwhelming.  But when you were in that position, you had so much less knowledge and so many less skills and all of these things were exciting, but they were also very scary at the same time. So during this period, adolescents need people who can provide validation and acceptance. A sense of belonging, whether it's in their church, whether it's in their school, whether it's in their extracurricular activities or all of the above. They need a place where they feel like other people get them. So often I work with adolescents who are just like, nobody gets me. I mean, I'm just, I'm weird. And talking about what that means to them, why they perceive that other people think they're weird. And where they might find a sense of belonging because sometimes they're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. So we might talk about, well, okay, so you have interests in creative arts and drawing. Where can we find people your age who might be interested in that? Self-confidence. When people are in relationships with others, not only is it giving them a certain amount of validation, but they develop a sense of self-confidence because those people are there even when they make a mistake and they go, you know what?  Let's do this again. It's not the end of the world or whatever they're telling them, but they've got somebody there that's a cheering section, which takes us to that social support. As much as we would love to be all the social support our kids need, they need social support from peers, their own age, their own, with their own interests and all that. So, and why is this? Because it provides them a sense of belonging and it allows them to differentiate from us. It allows them to say, you know, I've gotten a lot of great skills growing up in your household, yada-yada. However, I am actually able to be an independent person and survive. Which, again, when people are starting to take SATs and think about what they're going to do, where they're going to go to college and all the changes and living on their own, it can get really overwhelming really fast. So the relationship roller coaster. Interpretations of events are based on your current state, your prior experiences and the event itself. This is true whether you're two or 62. A lot of adolescents don't think about this. So when something happens, they may interpret it automatically as negative and it may not be that way. Their current state, if they're looking for the negative, if they're in a bad mood, are they going to likely look for the most positive interpretation of something that happens? No, you know, they're probably going to look for a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, I'm having a really bad day and we're going to have this quiz on Friday that I'm totally not ready for. The teacher's out to get me. If they were in a different state, a more positive state, a well-rested state, they may not perceive it as much as the end of the world. Your prior experiences. So, you know, sometimes if people will keep with the same analogy, if the person has had difficulty on exams, then when they hear about an exam, if they're already grumpy feeling worn down, they hear about an exam and they know they don't do well on them, then all of a sudden the sky is falling. So we want to help them understand that your prior experiences give you some guidance, but they don't write the future. Your prior experiences might tell you that you have to study more for this test or that you need to change the way you study or, you know, talk to the teacher about how to study. Your current state, if you're already in a negative state, you're going to perceive the negative. We're not like magnets where a negative attracts positive. Negative attracts negative. So help them realize and become cognizant of the fact that when they're tired, sick, depressed, you know, in a funk, it's easier to focus on the negative or get irritable. And encourage them to think about a time when they were having a great day and something, you know, unfortunate happened or not the best, did it completely deflate their day. And if they would have been in a bad mood, how would they have interpreted that event and how would it have affected their day? Which takes us to this emotional roller coaster. Emotional roller coasters are caused by immediately reacting to every stimulus without awareness or acceptance. When we are not mindful of our feelings, we just feel an act. Then we're just constantly up and down and up and down. Our brain says there might be a threat. We're like threat, threat, threat, threat. And we go into all out crisis mode. When we help clients learn to be mindful, the brain says there might be a threat. And then you say, okay, is there a threat? And then make a decision based from there. So you're not just threat, relax, threat, relax. There's, you know, a little bit of ebb and flow in there. You're not immediately reacting. So everything that comes your way isn't constantly draining your energy. Acceptance and commitment therapy is great to introduce to teens in addition to DBT. Because it helps them really look at how their emotions affect them and how they can distance themselves and separate themselves from their emotions when they feel them instead of immediately having to act on them. Once they practice this for a little while, a lot of times they'll find that they make better decisions if they don't immediately act on their emotions. If somebody says something that hurts their feelings or makes them angry and they take a minute or five to identify the feeling and then think about the most appropriate response to get them, help them achieve their goals. You know, will it end up resulting in an Instagram war or a Facebook war? Maybe not. A lot of times once they've had a chance to get out of that initial adrenaline rush, they make better decisions. Teens have fewer experience and skills against which to assess current experiences. So if it seems like the end of the world, you know, compared to everything they experienced up till now, this may be a crisis. You know, compared to you, this may be a drop in the bucket. But for them, it's a real crisis. Developmentally, teens are trying to figure out where they fit in the world so they often feel vulnerable.  And if they don't get it and they don't know how to handle it or they don't have other support to rely on, then it really hurts. Teens have often been provided with acceptance and encouragement based on conditions of worth. If you make the cheerleading squad, then you'll be part of this group. If you make the football team, then you'll be part of this group. If you do this, then you'll be accepted by this group. So guess what? They've learned, they've experienced that acceptance is based on what they can do. And what they can't do can also keep them from being accepted. So part of our job as clinicians, parents, adults is to help teens recognize why they are valuable and why they are acceptable just for being them.  So exiting the roller coaster, encourage them to keep a journal for a week of what upsets them. They may even be surprised at how many different things upset them, or they may not be.  At the end of the week, review the journal. And in retrospect, what doesn't seem so bad? This seemed like a crisis at the time. Is it still seeming like it's completely devastating? And then how could you have used that same energy to have addressed the situation? So generally they're keeping this journal of things that upset them and they take whatever upsets them and they dwell on it. Teens are really good for just nurturing grudges and anger and fear because they don't have the skills to know what else to do with it or to realize that this too shall pass.  We want to get in their head. We want to experience it as they do and as dramatic as they do so we can understand kind of where they're coming from because then we can start gradually guiding them out of that emotional roller coaster. But I'm not going to tell them that their feelings are wrong because their feelings are their feelings. So if they were angry and then we'll talk about, okay, what did you do about it? How did you feel? Alright. What else could you have done with that energy to address the situation that may have had a more positive outcome? What was going on that made you more vulnerable to getting upset? So we'll go back over each day of the week and if there was a particularly upsetting day, you know, I might drill down and say, was there something else going on? Did you sleep well? Were you worried about a test that was coming up? It seems like you were more sensitive that day than other days. And I could be completely wrong. You know, I try to hedge things because maybe that day was just a really horrific day at school. We all have them.  Reminding teens or educating teens that emotions are a combination of their feelings, their emotions, whatever they're labeling it, their physical sensations, their thoughts and their urges. One of the things I do in skills group with teens is to put different feelings around the room on poster paper. And I have them go around and identify what their physical sensations are when they are having that feeling. What are their thoughts when they're having that feeling? And what are their urges when they're having that feeling? If they're really happy, what do they want to do? I know for me when I'm really happy, I kind of get amped up and I want to move around. I want to run. I want to skip. I want to jump. I tend to sing. I can be a little crazy. But helping them understand that this is just part of being happy. Now, what you do in certain circumstances, you know, you're not going to skip down the halls at school, probably. But understanding that this is just normal. This is what you experience. They're natural responses based on what your brain thinks is happening. So if you've got, you know, happy, interestingly, and this is something that I point out to them, anger and fear are kind of flip sides of the same coin. It's a stress response. Your body dumps adrenaline and says, dude, you need to get up and do something. Happiness also has adrenaline. Your brain says, wow, yay, we need to keep doing this because it's really awesome. And dopamine. So that same chemical, adrenaline or norepinephrine, that motivates you to fight or flee is also the one that motivates you to jump and skip and holler for joy. Help them understand that, you know, these are natural responses, but their brain is also not always right. If their brain perceives a threat, does it mean there's always a threat? And I encourage them to think about times when they thought something bad was going to happen. Maybe they got called to the principal's office or their parents said, we need to have a talk. You know, generally that doesn't end in anything good. But sometimes they're going to have a talk because they need to decide what they're going to do for the family vacation this week or this year. So the brain is not always right. It just bases its first reaction on prior experiences. So I encourage them to feel the feeling, label it and let it go. Some of the common things that I hear, oh my gosh, I am going to fail this test. Okay, so what are you feeling? I'm feeling freaked out. I'm feeling afraid. Okay, that's how you're feeling right now. What is it that you need to do next? And, you know, their feeling right now is what they're feeling. Figuring out what to do next is the next step. Mark asks Samantha to the prom instead of me. Okay, feel the feeling. How do you feel? You feel devastated. You feel betrayed. All right. Now let's just let that go. Now what are you going to do? And she is such a, hmm, so-and-so. Okay, so you're feeling angry right now. And I encourage them to come up with their own feeling words, but obviously I don't have another person sitting here right now. Once they're feeling angry, okay, you're feeling angry. What's going on that's causing you to feel angry? They can talk about it or talk about what they need to do next, or talk about if continuing to feel angry is going to be useful for them. Reduce your judgments to improve your attitude. Judgments compare us to others instead of focusing on ourselves. She's thinner than me. He's faster than me. He's smarter than me. Okay? Or he's dumber than me. You know, but it's a comparison instead of saying I am me and am I being the best me I can be. Encouraging adolescents to embrace this is again difficult because they're seeking external validation. So I do encourage them to realize when they're being judgmental and also focus, try to focus back more on themselves. And instead of looking at, you know, she's smarter than me or, you know, okay, what can you do if being smarter is important? What can you do to improve that? What positive skills do you have if they're comparing themselves negatively to other people? I want them to identify two positive things for every, every time they compare themselves negatively to somebody. Other times the judgments can tear others down to make us feel better about ourselves.  She shouldn't have gotten the lead role in that because I'm a much better actress. What good does it do to use that energy to tear her down? What else could you do with that energy? You know, maybe talk to the director and find out what you could do differently in order to get the lead role next time. But encourage them to realize when they're using energy to tear others down or tear themselves down. And sometimes we tear ourselves down to protect from disappointment. So, you know, you try out for the football team and you're like, well, I'm not going to get it because I know I'm the slowest person out there. Or, you know, I tried out for this play and I, I can't sing nearly as well as so and so and I forgot my lines more times than other people. That's the mind's way, that's our way of protecting ourselves so we don't get our expectations set up too high and get disappointed. But it also prevents us from really reveling in the moment and going, wow, I really did a good job. Okay, you know, maybe I didn't hit that high note. I forgot a couple of lines, but overall I did a good job and I had, it took a lot of courage to go out there and do this stuff. We want to encourage them to find constructive uses of that energy instead of judging people and tearing them down and tearing ourselves down. How can we use that energy for self-improvement and compassion for others? You know, if you're concerned that somebody else is a faster runner, okay, dwelling on it's not going to do a lot, but what can you do so you can run faster? And for people who don't run as fast, how can you have compassion for them? Celebrating other strengths, we all have strengths, we all have weaknesses. So instead of going, you know, he's so much better in math than me and feeling bad about it. Think, well, hey, that's a future math tutor and I'm a lot better in English, so I can be an English tutor and we can help each other. Celebrate each other's strengths and work together in order to be more harmonious instead of competitive. Stop fighting reality and deal with it. Sometimes things suck, so you got to accept it, you know.  I'm like, yeah, it's true. Sometimes things will happen and it just is unpleasant. It is ugly, it is sucky. There's just not a nice word for it and there's nothing you can do to really change it. Sometimes you can change it, but sometimes you can't. So what you want to do is say, all right, this happened. You know, after I lived in Florida for a couple of decades, so lots of hurricanes came through. And when the hurricanes came through, sometimes it would really stink because we'd be without power for two or three weeks. And Florida in the summer without power just not pleasant. So I could dwell on how bad it was and get angry about it, but that wouldn't do any good. I can identify the things that I could change and change them. So I'd pack up the kids every day and we'd go to the library or go to the mall or go somewhere that actually did have air conditioning. In order to kind of get through it. Was it ideal? No, but it was reality. And then identifying the things I can't change and learn how to change my reaction to them. So living without power for two weeks. We actually had a lot of fun pretending what it was like to be back in the 1800s and, you know, reading books by candlelight. And when things happen that you can't change, say, what does this mean about or for me? What does it mean for me or to me that I'm not going to have power for a couple of weeks? Well, it means life's going to be a little bit more difficult. But other than that, probably doesn't mean a whole lot that I need to get all upset about. So encourage your clients, encourage the adolescents to state what it is that they're upset about. And I try to be very liberal when I'm allowing them to express themselves. You know, if they use a curse word here and there, it's not the end of the world. If they're using it aggressively towards someone else, that's a different story. But, you know, I want to know what is it that you're experiencing right now? Let's put it out there and then we can identify what's changeable that you're willing to change. And what you can do with the rest of it so you don't stay as angry or as scared. This is also true when adolescents are applying for college acceptance. You know, maybe they get back three rejections and they only applied to five colleges. And they're just like, they feel like they got kicked in the gut. All right. So all of the results aren't in yet. So you could still get accepted to those two. But if you want to get accepted to one of these others, what can you change? Do you need to get a higher GPA? Do you need to go to community college and then reapply? What are some other steps you could take? And then identify the things you cannot change and learn how to change your reaction. Maybe you're never going to get into a particular school. So what can you learn from it? And what does it mean about you that you can't get into that school? You know, a lot of other schools may accept you. So what in particular importance does that school hold for you? And then, you know, we can talk about that in session. Don't let urges control you though. Even if you're disappointed, if you're angry, if you're anxious, you don't have to immediately act on whatever you're feeling. Urges are part of feelings. When I get hungry, my urges to eat. When I get sad, my urges to cry. The strongest urges are those to fight or flee.   The urges that go along with those feelings are really hard to just say, you know what, I'm just going to let that go for a moment and then I'll decide what to do.  So teaching clients how to urge surf, teaching them when they feel that rush. And we all know what it feels like when adrenaline just floods over us. And they just want to come out swinging. All right. Where are you on the wave? Remember that urges come in and go in about 10 to 15 minutes. Same thing with panic attacks. So where are you in terms of coming in and going out? Where are you on the wave? Are you at the top? Where do urges come in? Are you still building? Teach them how to use that imagery in order to urge surf so they don't act out right away. Distract, don't react. Focus on something else. And you know, this is my favorite activity. Four, three, two, one, four things you see, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you feel encourages them to just completely shift. And they just want to be on the channel in their minds. Watch something really funny. It's hard to be terrified or enraged when you're watching something that you find amusing. You know, for me watching, there's one video of this little baby who just thinks it's hilarious when it's caregiver tears paper. And it does that little baby belly laugh. And I can only watch it for so long before I have to kind of grin or maybe laugh myself.  Listen to really loud music. Most teenagers will not turn this one down. But interestingly, when you bombard your senses, it can help kind of get you out of that fight or flight mind space. So listening to really loud music can help distract some people. And then hold on to a piece of ice. I encourage you to try this at home yourself. Just hold on to a piece of ice and see if you can focus on anything after about 20 seconds besides how much longer do I have to hold on to this piece of ice. It really helps get you out of that infinite loop. Because all of a sudden you're just like, okay, this, this, this is unpleasant. I don't like this at all. But you're not thinking about what happened during the day and you're not worrying about whether the kids are destroying the house. You're just worried about whether you can keep hold of this ice for another two minutes. All of these help teens develop skills so emotions aren't so powerful so they can choose how they use their energy. So they can choose what mind space they're in and choose behaviors that will help them improve their relationships. So, you know, something happens, they see their ex-boyfriend talking to some other girls down the hall and they're, they just flip out. Okay, so that there are lots of feelings associated with that. Lots of very normal feelings associated with that. But, you know, getting into a physical fight probably not in their best interest or turning it in on themselves, self-harming, using drugs, also not helpful. So what can they do? If you look at a lot of relationships, especially, well, not just teen relationships, the people who are the most emotionally liable tend to have the most chaotic relationships. So if we can help teens get control of their feelings, then they can interact more mindfully. Improving your relationship with yourself, become aware of your vulnerabilities so you know when you're going to be kind of grumpy. We all have those days. Develop self-compassion. If you're having a bad day, if you didn't sleep well, instead of beating yourself up over every mistake, just say, you know what? I did the best I could do. I'll come back and try again tomorrow. Start by identifying what you need and why in your relationships, but also in your relationship with yourself. What do you need in terms of being your own best friend? Because once you start doing that, then you'll expect the same from other people. Teenage years can be very tumultuous. Teens often feel very vulnerable as they try and find their place in the world. They don't have the same experiences that we do, so their frame of reference for what's a crisis and what's not a big deal is kind of limited. These vulnerabilities and lack of experience can lead to extreme reactions. Our perception of extreme reactions, I mean it can lead to somebody being enraged, which may be a very normal reaction for their perception and their background. But we want to help them not have these like huge highs and huge rages. Developing skills to deal with the stream reactions improves relationships by reducing angry and aggressive reactions, both physical and on Facebook, Instagram, on the Internet. It also teaches the teen that he or she has the ability to handle distress. You can get angry and not have to act out. And it empowers the teen to use the roller coaster energy for constructive outcomes. Relationship skills 101 for teens is the one that I use to create this PowerPoint. In addition, DBT made simple by Sherry van Dyke. She wrote both of these books. Honestly, I really love DBT made simple and I think there's a lot more information that you can use and tailor towards teens and that one, but that's my own personal opinion. Both books are very good. They're at New Harbinger. There's some awesome beginning sites for learning DBT skills. You can get these from your, from the classroom. DBT self-help is almost, it's one of my, you know, go-tos. I love DBT is another one. One I found for this presentation is the bipolar's juk.se. There's a handbook there, really helpful. And then this manual that was divine designed by the Star Center at the University of Pittsburgh is awesome for teaching emotional regulation for teens. So those are all resources that all of these links down here are freely available, downloadable, etc. So you have things that you can use today or tomorrow with your clients if you want to. Are there any questions? Okay. Well, I appreciate everybody being here today. If you think of any questions, four, three, two, one. And you can do this however you want. It's not a set thing. I just find it's easier to find four things that you can see, three things that you can hear, two things that you can smell, and then one thing you can feel. You know, you can mix and match the senses however you want to, but generally it's hard to find the more than two things that you smell or more than two things that you feel. So I start like that, but I'm also very visually oriented. So that may be in my own bias. If you enjoy this podcast, please like and subscribe either in your podcast player or on YouTube. You can attend and participate in our live webinars with Dr. Snipes by subscribing at allCEUs.com slash Counselor Toolbox. This episode has been brought to you in part by AllCEUs.com, providing 24-7 multimedia continuing education and pre-certification training to counselors, therapists, and nurses since 2006.


I'm Phil Spearing and today I reviewed the Roberts DAB radio. It's quite a small compact radio. It's black and shiny and the screen is quite clear as well on it so you can see even in bright daylight what you're doing. When I started it up it was immediately running. It took about three seconds to find the stations and the preset stations are the kind of the ones that people usually want to listen to anyway. When I went through the menu on it I thought one of the best features is probably that you get 20 stations that you can have preset which is more than enough for me. I'd probably prefer to put the headphones in because you can hear a bit more bass. I would definitely recommend this radio to other people. It's small, it's compact, if you're a sports fan it's easy to listen to let's say the football scores and the quality of it is really really good.


Do you know what the real question is? Do I trust you two to be quiet? Yeah, if you will. Yeah, I actually won't be too loud. I-I'm almost the same, right? I already hate myself and I've only been filming for 43 seconds. And now are you gonna behave while I film? My t-shirt is now wanting to strip. Excellent. How's it be a professional YouTuber one-on-one? Strip every time you've got a camera. That's kind of ironic given the story I'm about to tell. Hey! Hey guys, welcome back to my channel. I was looking at the viewfinder.  So, um, I'm back. Hello. I took a few days break because Christmas happened. She put my glasses on so I looked more on these. Professional. Professional at how to get abducted. I don't even know how to intro this video. This bit for this story, I need to take you back to when I was 12. So, uh, Q-Emo hack. Oh wait, no, I wasn't cool until, um, 2012. Ah. Yeah. But that's too- that's- that's 2009 me when I was 12. This story for this video, I don't even know where to start with it. So it kind of starts on MSN, but then transfers to Facebook. I'm not gonna try and explain what MSN is, too much, because it's not really relevant. Basically, I met a guy on MSN, then transferred to Facebook. Um, don't add people on Facebook that you don't know. That's the wife message of this video. So yeah, I met that guy who was a little bit older than me. I was 12 and he was 36. Clearly, I'm a match made in heaven. I really shouldn't be taking the piss, but I can't know because I've been that weird. Life lesson. Don't add people you don't know on Facebook because they might abduct you.  I just want to add, before you actually get into this video, that this Italian was a very terrifying thing. Now, I don't think twice about it. Um, we can look for so, who's, uh, definitely brought back some memories. Um, some stories that I want to tell you. So, me and Skye was talking, and we've been talking for ages. I had no friends. I should point that out, too. I had no friends at school. Whole other video. Not getting stuck. So, this guy was really nice to me, really friendly, wanted to meet up, and I was like, okay, sure, whatever. And then I gave him the address of the school that I went to, and arranged to meet up. Now, I want to be very clear, this guy never actually met me because my stepdad had access to my Facebook account and saw that I was messaging this person and called the police. A lot could have gone wrong with that. Like, it was a very blunt saga or whatever. This guy actually ended up in prison for that because I was 12, he was 36. Bit of an issue. And that's what happens when your kids have no friends at school. I should point out that this guy was trying... Overmessages was trying to convince me to get in his car when he met me. He was going to meet me outside the school gate, and we was going to go and get in his car, and... It made it sound so nice. And then when I was 12, I was so easy to please. Like, I'm easy to please now. Like, I have me Dr Pepper. I'm happy, okay? Like, cure for depression. I hate myself. I literally hate myself. But it made it sound so desirable for this 12-year-old me. And the message of this video is, to kids, don't add people you don't know on Facebook. To adults, make sure you know what your kids are doing. It's like even worse now, like with Instagram. Like, my sister, she's 30, and she has Instagram. And literally no one knows what she does on that. Because she's got a private account, which she has. She follows like nearly a thousand people online. It's like, there's some new risk with it now because it's such a common thing that kids have. Like, back when I was at school, it wasn't as common to have Facebook. Like, it was just kind of like beginning. Yeah, to be 13, to have a parental permission and all that, and what I mean though, is like people, my age didn't have it and I didn't have any friends. So I don't really know what's going on with that. So I got this random request of someone here I thought I'd been talking to on MSN.  Innocent as fuck, okay? This story could have been a totally different one. Like, it could have ended up with a production. It could have ended up with something, it could have ended up with anything. And bear in mind, like, this is gonna sound really bad, but I'm sure a lot of you who live in the UK would have heard about the whole Telford scandal thing. If you haven't, it was a thing. So this links into the scandal thing because the guy who this was was then this year connected to that. That sounds really dark.  Like, I wasn't one of them people, thank God. I know some people who were. It could have ended very differently. Had my family not had access to my computer and my Facebook and all my social media, it would have ended a lot differently. That's what scares me about the fact that my sister's allowed such a free fraud of the internet. Like, it does scare me. Because I know what it's like. Hashtag been there, I've done that. I know the internet, the internet is my job. Hello, hi. I don't know. What should the message of this video be, Jordan? Set the security settings to max. Like, let me show you a quick screenshot of my old account that this happened on. I had 5,000 friends on that. I do not know 5,000 people now. That's a 21 year old. As I hired out a 13 and 12 year old kid believer. Just be careful online and if you're an adult, make sure you know what your kids are doing. I feel like it is so important that I make this video because I filmed this last night. Well, last night, I mean, like 3 a.m. I left out some really important details. For example, I'm not making a joke how this story, what it happened so long ago for me, that I kind of forget about it. I wanted to add that it is really important to know what kids are up to on social media because every kid has social media, whether it's Instagram, WhatsApp, every kid that stays have the newest smartphone. Oh no, it's just so dangerous. Like, they could be doing anything and a lot of my parents don't have a clue. Like, they're willing to put money on the fact that my mom does not know what my sister's doing on her phone. I'm not saying my sister's doing anything, but I'm pretty much guarantee that she doesn't know what she's doing on her phone. Like, she could be talking to anyone. And I like to this, this happened to me multiple times. Mainly with MSN, MSN was like the old school social media website and you can just add anyone on there. And I ended up talking to a lot of people I didn't know on there. Just because of how, like, I did not understand how the internet worked. Like, internet to me was a new thing. I didn't get access to the internet until I was like nine, 10 years old. I really had no experience with the internet. And like, yeah, kids nowadays have so much access to the internet. They are a lot more than I used to. Obviously, like, is that a good thing? I don't know. I just thought I'd throw this out there. I wanted to make this video anyway. If you are one of those kids who just accepts friend requests off people and follow friend and people on Instagram, please stop. Following someone on Instagram might seem really innocent, but then that means that person could. If it's on Snapchat, that person can literally see your location. Like Twitter, they can find out anything about you. It's on Facebook, they can find anything about you. Instagram, if it's a public account, you can find out anything about anyone. I just think it's so important to remind you all to just be safe on mine because, you know, it could end so bad. And some of the messages I got off people, I thought was, I was like, oh, they're just my friends. You know, I didn't think anything of that. I was so innocent to the world. So I grew up in a family that didn't want to scare me. They didn't want to inform me of the bad people in the world. I grew up thinking everyone was a great person. Like obviously I knew like murderers and all that. I didn't know what rape was.  I didn't know what sexual assault was. I didn't know anything about that. My family kept me very shielded from it, which was fine. My insight, like makes sense. The downside to that is when this was going on, I didn't know what their motives were. I just thought, yeah, hey, I've got friends in other countries, cool, you know? Well, hey, I've just got, I've made friends with someone who I don't know. That's amazing. You know, I didn't think of the big picture. I was like, oh yeah, this adult actually wants to have a conversation with me. I was really mature. I was thinking so innocently that I didn't understand the full level and full dangers of what I was about to get into. And that is the message I want to get across in this video. I was very tired when I was filming this video and Jordan was on the phone. And I just hope it gives you the message that you need to be careful online. And well, yeah, I do put my life on the internet now. I'm an adult. I don't give out my address. I use this thing like these people that be like, oh yeah, do you want to meet up? And I would arrange to meet all these people. And then sometimes I would chicken out and be like, oh yeah, sorry, I can't make it today. Or other times I would go to meet them. Like I said in the video, my family had access to my Facebook. So they would end up calling the police or telling the school. And I'd give you pulled out of lessons. The person would get arrested. And I'd get so open to the police. The things I've had to give so many statements to police about that situation because this person got imprisoned for six years because of it. He had previous convictions of it. And to then this year come out as with a connection to the whole scandal that went on where overall it was dramatic. Anyway, I'm gonna let you get on with the video. I just needed to add this in before you even start watching it because I don't want you guys to have the wrong idea of what I was trying to say. So yeah, peace guys. I don't know, I think that is it for this video. If you are new here, make sure you hit the subscribe button and maybe leave a like, leave a comment if any video requests or questions you have. And if you're my ex, don't forget to leave that. Dislike on every single video as always. Thank you for your engagement, dear. Links as always in the description down below. Make sure you go follow me on Twitter because I post a lot on there. Bye guys.


So after my last video sharing my favorite fitness apps a lot of you flooded my comments with other suggestions that I might have missed. So I decided to make a couple of videos testing out these apps that you guys recommended and the first one being Fitbit. Now Fitbit is in a unique category because it is mainly known for its hardware. So like the Fitbit Ulta, the Fitbit Versa 2, Fitbit Inspire and what I had the Fitbit Charge 4. They do everything from tracking your sleep, your steps, the amount of calories that you burn, the whole nine yards. But I bet you didn't know that they actually have workouts as well as guided health programs. And in this video I want to share those experiences with you. What's up everybody it's your boy Noah. If it's your first time here make videos on the best tech and tips to help improve your health and productivity. If this is of something interest to you go ahead and hit that subscribe button. Now I wanted to break down my fitness app reviews into three distinct categories. One being ease of use, two being workout difficulty and then three being special features. So for the Fitbit let's get right into it. Ease of use. Honestly I think Fitbit is one of the easiest apps to use. The icons are very simple to read and to understand navigating the app is fairly simple. It's only about four tabs to navigate through and honestly if you want to get to a workout it takes three or four tabs. I would personally give it a five out of five. I think a five-year-old could probably navigate a Fitbit app. For the second category of workout difficulty this is actually where I think Fitbit has a lot of improving to do. Not caveat I have been working out for around nine or ten years. My body's adapted to certain type of workouts. I've had a lot more experience in it but it just didn't really do it for me if that makes sense. It is pretty cool that you have all the different fitness branded workouts in there like I think they have daily burn, they have pop sugar, they also have their native Fitbit coach. They're not bad. I would definitely build a sweat like it wasn't just super easy. I would build a sweat but afterwards I didn't really feel like I had like the best workout. So for me personally I gave it a three out of five for a workout difficulty. Mind you that a three out of five for me could be a five out of five in terms of difficulty for you. So just again take it at your own pace. If you're a beginner it's still what suffices a good workout app. For the last category of special features this is actually where I think Fitbit excels and blows a lot of apps out of the water. The first thing being they keep all of your health metrics in one spot and I think that's super crucial because you can understand you know how many hours of sleep were you getting, how many workouts have you done throughout the week, how many calories have you burned, tracking your weight. You have that all in one place which is super super useful and something that I actually found out recently is they will provide you a 30-day report in like seconds of how your health has been over the last 30 days. For example you can understand them average number hours of sleep that you've been getting a night, how many calories do you burn a day. All that is super useful information for somebody to make healthier decisions. The second special feature that I thought was really cool was the health guided programs and mindfulness practices. On the second tab of the app you can basically see all the different guided programs that are available to you. This includes helping you become more active, developing healthier habits, curbing that sweet tooth. For me personally I did the get more sleep. I mean hey doing YouTube on the side it's a lot of time but it basically helped me develop better habits of shutting my phone off before going to sleep, preparing around 30 to 40 minutes before going to sleep as well. It just was super helpful in helping me get a lot more sleep throughout the week. The only special feature that I didn't really like and didn't connect with the most was the community feature. It's kind of like a social media feed. You could sit in certain groups and people can post and it just seemed like it was just a lot of, I would never really get into it. I would only want to compare my steps to my friends and family. So I would say for special features a solid five out of five I honestly would probably give it six out of five just because of the fact that it's just so comprehensive in what that app entails. To share my final thoughts on the Fitbit app, overall I love it. I think Fitbit is doing an amazing thing by embracing the holistic person and their healthy well-being. They're thinking about the habits, they're thinking about the nutrition, they're thinking about the sleep, they're thinking about the workouts. They thought about it all and it's just a great overall fitness and health app. Now who is the app specifically for? I would say most likely the beginner. Either the beginner or the person who is trying to understand where their health is at right now and how they can make small steps to change it. Unfortunately I won't be keeping the Fitbit charge for or keeping the Fitbit app. It's more for personal reasons. One for the actual Fitbit charge for, I don't know what it is about Fitbit bands, they irritate the heck out of my wrist and I know people say you can get different bands, you make it tighter, make it looser. I tried everything, it just doesn't work for my skin. So I have to get rid of it. And then number two, I miss, miss, miss, miss all the apps that I had access to with my Apple Watch. I'll admit it, I'm locked into the Apple ecosystem. Apple, you got me. Which is honestly why I returned the Fitbit Versa 2 when if you remember that video, however I won't be returning the Fitbit charge for, I'm actually gonna be giving it to my brother. He really loves the Fitbit series, he likes to keep track of the hours of sleep that he's getting, the amount of calories that he's burning. So it's the perfect app and product for him. Anyway, question of the day, what fitness app should I review next? Let me know in the comments below. I hope this video was extremely helpful for you. If it was, go ahead and click that like button, subscribe if you haven't already.  And that's similar to the Fitbit Versa 2, the Fitbit, the second special, we all know that working a little bit more of improving. And I say that because