Do you think Ryan's run game performance so far and the Colts tendency to spy successfully might lead to various Leonard looking after him? You know, the Colts, they do a really good job on third down and they've done it to multiple quarterbacks.  He's created pressures and sacks and so they're pretty consistent. They do a really good job though, mixing things up week to week with their third down package. I guess some of the analytics numbers suggest that Ryan's being really aggressive, completing a lot of passes into small windows and moving the ball up field quite a bit. Is that something that you're seeing regularly as well when you're evaluating them? He's in a good rhythm. Really the offense is we've tried to make this climb from week to week and that's why when you want to lose, we're looking to improve and grow and that's all the guys. And so I think what you're seeing too is Ryan's playing more and these guys out there and AJ's getting more snaps and Corey and all these guys are getting more comfortable with each other and we're all playing off each other so it's been good to see. So hopefully we can keep going in the right direction. How pleased have you been with how you guys seem to have been able to build off your success from week to week? You know, a couple of different ways to look at that. We definitely want to gain confidence and obviously improve our core stuff and what we're doing. And we also know that each week it's games its own entity. Depending on how it starts, if something's out of control, it may not go the way you want early on and we'll just keep going and you've got to adapt from there. But we definitely want to continue to build and we know we've got a huge challenge Sunday up there. How are you coming along just as far as getting into your groove as a play caller? You had the running back toss and then you're doing more trick plays and things like that. How are you getting into your groove? Well, again, it goes by game and some of the stuff you see and the way the rhythm of the game is gone.  But just like we asked the players and I believe this whether this was year one or however long I'm fortunate enough to do this, I got to improve week to week as well and it certainly helps. And I think I try to do every week taking a really critical eye at myself, what was good, what was bad. Yeah, I'd like to have that back. Okay, what can we do?  You're asking the players do something and you're not doing it yourself. So hopefully, like I said, we can keep building on some momentum and keep improving. Contract and age and injury may mean that that's it for Delaney here. I know he's meant a lot to you and you guys kind of were side by side a lot of this. Right. Can you tell us a little bit about just kind of what he meant for your career here? Sure. Delaney has meant a lot to me. He's we've been together for seven years. We took him, you know, there wasn't the expectations. We obviously lost Jared Cook and free agency. We brought Delaney in here. He's been in a different role in San Fran and he just ran with it and it's a great success story. And as a person, he means a lot to me. We've been around each other for forever, feels like. And so we'll see what happens, but I'm glad he's going to stick around here. Guys like him around and he helps. As a coach when you work on plays, whether it's the Henry pass or the throw to Kelly, how you know when is the right time to bring those out. And I know some of those you've worked on for a while. Sure. It just depends on what you've seen. Maybe they've played a certain way. Sometimes it's a momentum or a feel of a game. You get in there. Dennis, I've been joking about touchdown pass for four years. I was glad I finally could get it done. And we joked that when I was fortunate to get this job that I said I'll finally call it for you. So I felt it was the right opportunity and saw something and those guys made it work.  Sure. Ben's lobbying for a jet sweep. I don't know if we'll put that in. A.J. Brown seems to have like a little bit of, I don't know what swagger to him, personality, confidence. Is that something that helps, especially a rookie going out there? Yeah, A.J. is a very confident guy. And that's who he is. And we've never tried to ask somebody to be something that he wasn't. That's how he was as a player coming out of high school and certainly at Ole Miss. And he's got that quiet confidence and he gets out on the field. He's got a certain way he likes to play and he's been productive for us. And hopefully we can keep that going and keep him going in the right direction. I guess it may be fair to say that the wide receiver group in general isn't necessarily a real vocal, loud group. I wonder if that kind of personality is a nice mix in there, a nice boost. Yeah, I enjoy it. The thing I always, you know, I love about this game and really locker rooms and people is just my philosophy. It's like I don't want everybody to be the same. And, you know, you try to fight group think and this whole like everybody's got to look, think the same or not question or something. But no, AJ's his own man and just no different than Adam. I don't know if you'll necessarily rub off on Adam. You'll see Adam start doing that stuff. But I enjoy those guys. At the core, they're all really good people first and they work well together and it's a fun group to be around. You knew about Taney Hill obviously before he came here from his days in Miami. You knew him as a backup. Right. I guess the first five, six weeks of the season. What has kind of stood out to you about him as he's played, you know, from his competitiveness to his personality to, I guess, anything that might struck you that you didn't know about him. You certainly you hear it's like anything until you've worked with somebody as a as another coach or a player. You may hear things which you're right. You truly don't know. I had a decent idea just from people I trust in what they said. But like any relationship just it grows organically and Ryan's been in here and he's done an awesome job in any role he was given. You know, it was definitely a different transition when he got here from what he was used to. And we've built on that every week and he prepares and a guy, another thing. He's just kept growing. You know, he didn't let certain certain chances hold him back and I don't want to speak for Ryan. But just from our relationship, it's nice week to week. He's prepared. He's professional. He's all the things you want a guy to pro quarterback to do. And so that's off to him. So hopefully he keeps going too. From your perspective, how has he grown since he came here first back here? Well, I think you got to give him credit because he comes here by trade and he's been a starter in Miami. And so he accepted a new role and it's also a credit to Marcus because those things don't work if you don't have two really good people. And Ryan accepted it and everybody's competitive and what you want. And when he got his opportunity, he did a really good job in the other backup role and now he's had to step in and we're just trying to improve week to week. He hasn't. I guess, again, I don't want to speak for Ryan, but just my experience with him, I appreciate his professionalism every day. Tough as it for you. Mike was talking about Derek earlier and he said, you know, we'll kind of see how he is throughout the week. How tough is that on you? I mean, whether you have to kind of prepare two different ways, whether you have them or whether you don't have them, it's a pretty significant guy. Sure.  There's never going to go perfect, like you hope it do. And if you're delusional, if you think it's all going to go that way. So in your mind, the way you set things up, all right, what's my move? If this happens, what's my move? That happens. This time of year, too, it's everybody teams got injuries and you're trying to. And so we'll just, you know, whoever's out there will make it work. That's my mentality. I guess two pretty different game plans, whether he's in or whether he's not. Just to have to see, I don't want to, you know, answer the high federal. We'll have a plan. I definitely have a plan. No different when you're carrying two running backs of something catastrophic happened there.


So the barn door has been open for a long time and a lot of you just found out you had horses So this is family tree now, and it's in the news. It's controversial and The biggest thing we have been working IT for over 20 years that I see wrong with this website is they're not charging for all the data They're aggregating now a family tree now will let you look up and then show you such things as possible relatives associated names and all kinds of other information that's somewhat personal on here now This website is like all the other ones where they aggregate information based on public data and then posted on here Most of the websites actually charge for this information. It's like I said I'm surprised that they're not but good news is after talking with several friends and following up with some reports They will let you opt out of having your information public on here So there's an opt out form and we're gonna have in this blog post here That's linked in this that you can opt out where the opt outs are now my problem with opting out is You're also verifying at some point because as you'll see with as I run through some of these some of them require email address account registrations Notaries and even your driver's license a lot of time to verify you are who you are So you actually end up giving me more data to ask them to remove the public data Now they are removing the public side of the data But they're not necessarily removing the data and that data may be by aggregating the removal process They now have more about you that they could sell to a marketing company with Proving that is verified by you verified them by opting out. I'm just trying to make people very aware of this Yes, it's kind of unnerving and a little bit disturbing to see that all of your data is here But it's something I just want to make sure people are aware of and start a discussion on it So the family tree opt out is a family tree now dot opt out This is the one that's everything's public now These ones are less public and they charge for all their lookups But if you do some digging you can find your opt out But I'm gonna save you the digging by creating a whole list of them here So this isn't tell us live in the know is your slogan where they got criminal records Identity protection employee screening and they allow a lot of aggregation of data Their business model is charging for all the data that family tree is giving away plus more because they also have some Criminal record looks up. What's a lot of that is aggregate data for things like the Offender tracking information system we have here in Michigan if you're outside of Michigan A lot of states have their own system where you can look up if there's any felonies Then another one that has a really popular for aggregate data is PQ did some digging here's their opt out now They have different remove my only my age remove my entire listing. So they got a couple different options here But once again, they're gonna want you to create an account with them to be able to do this So you're also tying an email address to the your identity and that's how pretty much all of them work here is I think you pronounce it rad aris radaris and Here's another one. They have a whole how to remove a picture how to delete specific records Then we have Spokio removing your listing from Spokio that you have to give them the URL email address send confirmation links USA people find your listing opt out They have some information in here to opt out and like said all these links will be in the blog post here We also have white pages They have an opt out information from here remove the simple from white pages, and they have instructions how you get to give them the URL They don't make these like super clickable easy. There's always several steps. You got to go through USA for people data this one is Quite a bit of information here on how to get yourself removed mailing stuff mailing information your date of birth and address to a PO box And I think you have to include this on there as well Which is a notar notarized identity verification? So you got to find a notary present some like a passport a military ID So security guard present that have a notary go through and put this on there That's pretty extensive to get your name off these lists Something else yeah now where some of this data comes from let's talk about that This is the Wayne County Register of Deeds Wayne County land records calm link will be in there as well This actually allows you to look up people's records and I threw my name in here And it turns out that a lot of people have my name and but you can look up and see details of mortgages and Lending and anything related to property with all the personal details are on there public record now for each county because it's generally a county task You can look up each person you just have to know what County they're from and this is where a lot of this data is coming They basically create robots that crawl all this data and this is one of those sources of knowledge and you start dumping all this on here This is how they get your home addresses Buildings you own and things like that another way they do and there's nothing you can really do about this There's no opting out of the Wayne County Register of Deeds It's public information that used to you had to go to the Wayne County and get a copy of and we live in an internet era Where they basically have images all the way from 1960 up till January 6th of 2017 Which means they're generally about a week behind from today's date of getting records scanned and put on here So that's how you can find out all kinds of did a building sell who owns the building who owns the taxes You can actually go to each local city and find out how much people pay taxes on building as most cities now have aggregated all your tax information and Your water bill and things like that and with verifiable information such as just their address And you can go to the city tailor and see how much taxes are on my building my house or anything else Another one is in this estate in Michigan again But each state does have generally their own the Department of Licensing and Regulatory Affairs and I pulled up my company You can search this and right here's Lawrence Technologies Domestic profit if you ever want to verify a business you can do this and you can see my established date of 9 3 2003 that's when my company was birthed So there's my birth date number of shares I hold because we're a standard escort and you could even go through and view each one of my Yearly filings and all my public records related to that interesting though They're not the family tree now is not pulling this information It shows me living at my business, but it doesn't show me living at this address This is actually a form issue with the way they do it They show my accountants address instead of my building address on here So this is actually my accountants office over in Southgate where they mail all the stuff for my tax ID information So nonetheless, you can learn a lot about businesses whether or not they're in business Whether or not they're currently in business and whatever licenses they may have there's also different licenses for builders and things like that that you can look up which also if it's a Builder that works at her house or a entrepreneur that works out of their house and has a registered name It will list their home address if they haven't bothered to acquire an address somewhere once again public information and these crawlers go out and pull all this info and then charge You for it through these or they aggregate it together and compile it and you can search by their ID number database and things like that So I just wanted to raise some awareness of some of the places And this is as I say some of the places and this is just what's public facing for these companies selling it What you're not seeing is all the data. It's been aggregated by companies like Facebook and other marketing companies that are also using This data to target you with ads and anywhere else or that take an aggregate social media data But the best of my knowledge We did not find any way that the family tree now was aggregating social media data But some of the other companies use it as part of their source and research to create more and more detailed records I biggest thing I like to do is raise awareness of this There's not any easy solution because that's just some of the sites that aggregate data that I was able to find with a Few minutes of searching but the longer I spend searching the more sites I'm going to find that have a database of data with you in it and let's take it a step further The database is still currently being sold and picked through that our government misplaced By not having proper security and they lost anyone who's ever worked for the government since the 80s up until the 2000s in one of their massive security breaches, which was millions of people's records, which included fingerprints and that so that's also available on the Internet as well through several Places it's you have to be conscious all the time. This is why you have to monitor your credit Finding out information about someone in the internet age has been easier and easier and it's become with like family tree now We're not even charging for it is like I said the shocking part You could just go here and get data and if you want to opt out good news is like I said They've been removing it so far from talking to people in forums that have went through the removal process. I Didn't go through it. I just haven't bothered because there's so much pug of information about me because of being a business owner But apparently they are opting out it takes them roughly the four days that they said they will remove you from the listing So if you're concerned feel free to do that But you got a member when you do this You're also attaching an email address that you're verifying who you are at the same time you're doing it So it's just another I just like to make people aware. I'm not passing Judgment on this but it's the world we live in and yes You maybe trying to close the barn door, but the horse you didn't even know you had it's it's been run around for a while This is not new these websites didn't start yesterday Actually, this one has been out for a couple years It just took a long time for people to really notice family tree now and it's a trending topic So be out there be safe be vigilant and think about all the places you share your information and Be conscious of it all. Oh, if you like to content here like and subscribe


Hi, I am Jan Reardon. I am here representing the Jennifer Reardon Foundation. Jennifer is my sister-in-law, and we are here to honor her spirit and keeping her mantra of being kind, loving, caring, and sharing alive. And what better way than to mention the fact that we are just back from our first 2022 East Coast Kindness Tour. And I had the pleasure of a mini tour back during COVID from Albuquerque to Burlington with my son. And then this one was on the East Coast we traveled down through and will be able to recap that today with my special guest, Johnny Mendez, who is right here with me. Johnny is the owner of Henhouse Media, and he was the producer of the film that we have now from the East Coast Tour. And we'll be showing different pictures and different stops along the way as we chat about that. But it is so good to see you, Johnny. I was just mentioning to Johnny that just sitting here talking before the show, I have a new feeling of being refreshed and revived because we spent a week of pure goodness. Everything was so genuine and loving. It was like a, sadly, a step out of reality to just have everything go so well with so much love all around you instead of everything we hear about in the news in and out every single day. And so first of all, let me just say thank you so much for being here. I'll give you a chance to say a few words before we start talking a little bit about the tour. But again, thank you not only for what you did to capture Jen's spirit along the way. And boy, we did spend kindness and it will be within me and my heart forever. And for all the people along the way that we're still in contact with, it's just beautiful. So I know we did what we set out to do, but please go right ahead and say a few words about the tour, Johnny. Oh, absolutely. And I gotta thank you for making us a part of it. It wouldn't have been the same otherwise. In many ways, it's one of those life-changing trips. I think you're in Vermont where we tend to be blessed with many things. And when you really go out there and you see sort of what everyone is going through and what the folks who are kind of stepping up to make real, impactful change, significant changes in people's lives, what they're up against, but how they every day rise to meet that need and ex-sell. It's inspiring. I know. Like we'd get into the van at the end of the day and we're like, whoa, okay, better notch it up a little bit. Yeah, you know, the trip itself, there was a lot to do and at times it got kind of emotional. Exactly, it certainly did. I know I had a moment in Baltimore with it, but seeing all of these different organizations, and not just with people, but also with animals. Exactly. And that's community vitality at its finest. What, we'll talk a little bit more about Danny and Ron's dog rescue down in Camden, South Carolina, which was just, that's where, I became very emotional there. They made 141 dogs living in their house that they've provided life for that most people don't get to live. The lifestyle that these dogs, thankfully, have been able to come out of the worst of conditions that we heard and it was heart-wrenching. But to see what they've done and their commitment to sustain this since 2005, it all started Hurricane Katrina. They thought they were saving a few stranded abandoned dogs and now, what was it, 14,000 dogs later that they've rescued? Here they are with 141 in their home and it's just a beautiful story, what they do for the community. They've built a new shelter. They're taking care of spaying and neutering, so. But anyway, as you say, it was very emotional. I couldn't agree with you more. Exactly, and all of the work that they do, we don't realize necessarily the impact that it's gonna have beyond just their own borders. That's right. And we saw what Danny and Ron, they actually helped one veteran in Vermont who needed help with the surgery of the dog. We just called them out of the blue and they helped them out. So small connections even from state to state. Absolutely. Yeah, look forward to chatting about each of the locations. Oh, wonderful. Having gone on the tour, obviously, and being such a vital integral part of that tour, is there anything that you took away that you felt as though you were going to implement in your own world with your family at work as far as something, and you're a very kind person, we've talked about this before, but did anything sort of resonate with you to the point where it's like, I'm gonna do things a little differently in this way or that way. Was there a takeaway like that for you? I know we all kind of talked about it at one point. Perspective for me. That was the word of the trip for me. You know, I sort of define kindness as empathy, awareness, and understanding. And if you can sort of implement those three things in any situation that you're in, especially right at the beginning, as opposed to at the end, after things have gotten heated or what have you, but if you kind of walk into it with those three things in mind, it kind of changes the outcome in many ways. And many times you walk away with new friends that you didn't think you would have. And they all lead up to perspective. So every time we would go into one of these locations, you saw almost instantly what it was that they were facing. And it makes you understand that sometimes you're preconceived notions about what life should be or how someone should, you know, let's say just pick themselves up by the bootstraps as we were all fond of saying, how difficult that can actually be. And when you have that kind of perspective and then you see how they're rising to it with a smile on their face and kindness towards everyone that they engage with and meet, it has, there's no way that it can't change you. And so I came back with sort of a renewed perspective and a renewed energy to impact all of us. That's what we were feeling every single time we stopped and had a chance to meet with different people and find out a little bit more about what they have been able to accomplish in their community. And the fact that we all learned so much from it was really the bonus. I mean, I never expected that. But can you think of a situation, for instance, in your community where you would be able to implement something that tied into kindness for families, for community members, for employees of the community, how could you see a way of making Essex in this case more vibrant based on kindness? I think, yeah, and that was, that's a tough question. It's a big question. Right. And I think I can go back a little bit and say that everything kind of starts in your own home and then even further back, it kind of starts with yourself. You have to be kind to yourself. There you have it. Right. And then within your own, the walls of your home, make sure that you're all practicing kindness at every stage and understanding that we all have bad days, but we should all kind of be able to support each other and find ways to help each other within your home. And then beyond that, how can we help? The ripple effect. The ripple effect. Which we heard so much about. Exactly, every interaction that we have throughout the day. Everyone's having, you know, folks who are having a bad day and how can you make their day just a little bit better? Right. Just a little acts. And then you go into the bigger elements and whether it's, you know, in Essex, we had quite the political issue with, you know, the town splitting with the... I live in the city. And I live in the town. Exactly. And here we are. And here we are. And I think that in many ways, if there was just a little bit more understanding and the ability to really have conversations without allowing some that were coming in with just more animosity. Exactly. If there were more conversation, perhaps more would have understood the issue at hand. More would have even shown up to the polls to vote. Yes, less judgment. I think some maybe avoided it altogether. Exactly. So I think simple things like that. And then on the other hand, just really understanding that not all of us in the population have all of the blessings that, you know, we have each day. That some have real challenges that they have to face. And how can we as a community help to serve them better every single day? Yes. It's about giving that hand up to someone who is just having a much harder time than you are and being able to give of yourself to help them up and help them achieve something better. And we saw that every single stop that we were in. It's so true. How they were all giving of themselves. And it's all grassroots to start. It has to be. It has to start there and prove itself, get that momentum going and really have it become more of a movement. And that's how I felt with the tour itself. You can say, oh, you stop and you do these things. And it's obviously phenomenal. But it doesn't end there. You know, there is that ripple effect, the impact that, you know, we all had on each other in those communities will live on and will continue to let those grow. And now that we're more aware, as you say, you know, when you don't know what challenges somebody's facing, you don't even know what challenges certain nonprofits and businesses are facing. And so once you get a better understanding of that, you can play a better role, whether it's through volunteering, which we heard so much of. I mean, it's what a great way. And obviously science proves this, how good it feels when you can do something for somebody else. And on your worst days, if you can go do something for somebody else, you're not going to be, you know, flying high all of a sudden, but you're going to feel a lot better about what you accomplished that day, especially in light of the fact that you weren't really feeling up for it. Absolutely. So at work, for instance, and this could come back to, you know, how you had already described perseverance, but would you say that there's been a scenario that's work related that was handled one way that perhaps wasn't with kindness in mind and one, you know, that is and how the outcomes can vary so much from that different approach? Yeah, I think, you know, if you have, in our case, you know, with staff members or folks who are working with us and for us and, you know, really getting to know who they are and what their goals are and who they want to become. And when you get to know them, you really understand when there are moments when they're not at their best. Exactly. And usually there's a reason for it and just to just take a second to pull them aside, have a conversation about what is going on in their life because you recognize that this is not really their normal. Exactly. That can actually affect outcomes. Just to be intuitive that way, right? Yeah, it doesn't just affect the outcome at that moment. It's what happens after as well. Exactly. And I think we've always sort of done that with anyone who takes part in our projects and our productions and all of that. And then there have been some times where it didn't start off on the right foot and sometimes you will try to massage it to a different place and you have to realize that in those moments, perhaps there has to be a different time when, you know, you will come together to make something happen but this wasn't necessarily the right time. Right. Take it offline and have those conversations later and see what comes of it. But always starting with that moment of, you know, you have to know everyone and understand what they're going through and where they're coming from before you can try to really, I guess, fix anything and improve anything. Right. Because your perception could be completely different than what, and typically that's really what it's all about is just trying to get on the same page. And I think also being a voice for others. We've been even in client situations where we can recognize pretty quickly within a room the environment and what someone is facing in terms of maybe their political clout within a company. Yes. And if they've been your champion, you can become their champion. And, you know, if you are voicing things that they have had struggles voicing in the past, you can help cut through all of the noise that they're trying to, you know, trying to figure out and all that stuff. So you can be a champion for others, be a voice for others, and that's just, you know, it resonates and it ripples throughout. Right, and we heard that quite a few times on the tour as far as being, you know, Gary comes to mind. Gary was in Richmond, Virginia. Maybe you could just, yeah, tell us a little bit. Then we're going to go back to you. I just want to give you a little heads up. You mentioned Baltimore before, so we can't go through without going back to Baltimore and what you are referring to as far as, you know, what really did, you know, move you to that level where you felt, you know, so compelled to just let it go as far as what we were surrounded by. So we'll go back to that. I just want to give you a little preparation, but with Gary that was in Richmond, Virginia, and he owns Children's Light. It's more of an after-school program in junior high and up, which is awesome. But what was your feelings on that particular interview that you did in time that we spent with Gary? In each person we were able to spend four or five hours with. It was amazing. He didn't have that, they were so giving of their time. I think each of them had something in common and it came through very quickly with Reverend Gary is that, one, he's a force of nature. He is just a- Good way to put it. He is a positive force. And when he comes in the room- Talk about energy. You know that he's there. Yes. The one thing that he does not do is he does not allow the surroundings or what happened before the past, the environment to dictate what the outcome is going to be. Exactly. And he refuses to accept that. It's, let's embrace it. This is where we are, but where do we want to be? And how are we going to get there? And then he uses all of his might, all of his will to make that happen. Right. And there's a story that he told, which I don't know if it's too early in our conversation to talk about it, he mentioned that he was driving at a convenience store, it was almost like a 7-Eleven type store. It was 11 o'clock at night and there was a young man sitting on the dash of his car or on the hood of his car with his head in his hands. And he could tell the kid was very upset, almost at his wit's end. And in an area where there's high violence, kids will succumb to certain elements of the streets because it's in many ways, it's the only way out. And he saw this kid and recognized that he was in this place where something could easily happen and he spoke with a few people in the store. He goes, yeah, you don't want to go over there, you don't want to talk to him, he's in a bad place. While most of us would get in the car and drive away, he talked to the young man and got to understand what was happening in his life and how he had reached the point where he had nothing. And he was about to lose everything and he was thinking of doing something that would change his fortune for the short term and correct his problems for the short term. And he told him, you do not want to do that. And instantly had, because of how connected he's become in the community, he knew about a program that he can get him in that I think was even paid training. And when they left, they became certified solar panel technicians that would install solar panels. Fabulous, right. He got him into the program, he called his friend who owns that program, got him in, I might've been the same weekend or something like that, got him trained and got to videotape this kid on his graduation day. Holding up a certificate. Just gives me chills. And he was gonna be able to earn as a starting salary $50,000 to $60,000 as a solar panel installer. And a skill for life now. But you know, when you're in a place where it's cloudy, you can't quite see clearly, you need that person to step in. That's right. Frankly, he's saved not only his life, but he may have saved some others as well. Just with that one act of not driving away and confronting the issue right in front of him. So he was an amazing man to meet and get to know. He certainly was. I would love to have him visit us here in Vermont. He would love to come up this way. He said he's never been to New England. So I would just love to have him here and have him in our community for as long as we possibly could. Because as you say, his energy. And it's again, it's the difference of somebody who's willing to just do whatever it takes, connect all those dots. He has all the schools involved. I mean, all the pieces are covered so that the family's entire day and routine and schedule flows. Because otherwise there was all this disconnect in a neighborhood where you don't want kids just hanging out. And he's filled in all those gaps. So in meals, and again, going back to the family because again, you can't just change this part. It has to go right back to the start and make as much of an impact there as you can. And then anything positive that can come out of that is better than the way it had been. And his biggest impact, I mean, this is where I connected with him personally is he had the saying of, look in the mirror. Yes. I took when he was younger and his life before and that one day where he looked in the mirror and he asked himself, do I trust the person I'm seeing in the mirror and his answer was no. And that was his transformational moment. I personally had that moment where, again, asked a similar question and that puts you on a different trajectory. And it just changes everything for you. And he had that moment and now he's using that same question with everyone else to make them stand up and do what's right. So yeah, yeah, very impactful. Oh, look at this. Okay, let's go back to the start of the whole tour. We were fortunate enough to be over at Colchester High School where Jen had graduated, I think it was in 1992. And so for the last three years, my brother has given a scholarship to a graduating student from Colchester High School that has demonstrated being kind, loving, caring, sharing in a variety of different ways over their years at Colchester High School very similar to what Jen's spirit was.  The art students made mosaic tiles for being kind, loving, caring, and sharing in honor of Jen to honor her spirit. So she's definitely living on over at Colchester, which was a big rivalry. She thought that was the best. My brother thought Essex was the best, so I'm not gonna say anything, but she might have won up to right here. But he got this going for her, which is awesome to have this scholarship in place. And Mauve is just the sweetest girl imaginable. She was so humbled by that. It was just so beautiful and to see the tiles that they made, but she just was wondering, who could this be? This is who I wanna be as they were announcing the kind of person and the type of person this is that would be receiving the scholarship. And when it was her, she said she almost passed out. It was just so beautiful. And so, again, my brother's love for Jen will never end, and this is another way that he can really keep things going. And her career, she's going in a nursing. Nursing. So it's gonna continue caring for other people. Exactly, exactly. And that is her at the core. And then we have Charmaine here. This is our first stop when we were in Baltimore. And this was the Light, Health, and Wellness Center. And Charmaine, I mean, was she the best? She started working there. Well, I think she was 15 years old. 15, she had been there for 12 years. She's 27 now. She was HIV positive when she came to the center the first time. And now she is not only managing her HIV, but she helps others manage their HIV and has been working at the center. Right, and Debbie Rock is the CEO who is really her mentor, has changed Charmaine's life completely. Well, their mission at this location is about really reversing generational poverty and how that starts. And it starts with, you know, as Charmaine would say, that one little act of kindness that she was shown, she now wants to give it to all of them. Exactly. And everyone who comes to the center and is in touch with her, she wants to do it. And so with Debbie, it's about finding those little tools that can, you know, just because this generation is where it is, the next generations can, can and should and will surpass that. Exactly, right. And that's all we can hope for is making those steps. She told a great story about one woman who did not want to necessarily go into rehab, had been an addict for many years. Her daughter was in the daycare. Right. And Debbie kept saying, at any moment in time, 7 a.m. you call me and I'll be there to pick you up and take you. And one morning the call came and took her to rehab. She's been clean for 25 years. And the woman's daughter just graduated with a master's degree. So those are the types of things. Making a difference. Right. Making a difference. One moment. Exactly. One touch point can change everything. So, yeah, she was incredible. And she loved the bear. She did love the bear. Sparky was with us. Aspen, of course, I'm missing so much. She's there with us too. She was over on the couch. And there's Debbie out front there of her center. And I think the next one was the whole group. Oh, good. We'll get all the kids out there. It was fabulous. It was just there. They were just so grateful for us being there and so proud of their space, too. The children as well as the staff, they just really, they showed so much pride. And then this was in Richmond. This was a- Oh, yes, we're approaching Gary's building. This is Reverend Gary's building. And you wouldn't be able to tell from the outside. I know. I was glad we all walked in together. But then on the inside, what he's done in there to transform it into a space for the teenagers to come and hang out in a very safe place. And also for community groups to come and rent the space and use it for their own needs at a very affordable rate. The kitchens all set as a nice setup for music and the arts. Exactly, yeah. It's very functional space. So it's open for everyone. Oh, here we are. This was in Richmond as well. This is the hitting below the belt. Yeah, Elwood-Thompson's Market. Yep, and Colorectal Cancer is their mission, is getting everyone tested and making sure that people understand the need for early testing. That's right. And Sarah Will was my guest last month who I just love and that's her sister, Kate, and then Billy, who we love. And then Mindy, she is the director of hitting cancer below the belt. And obviously myself, but Sarah's husband, Gabe, who passed away from colon cancer, Kate has been right there doing a lot of work with the association to keep, you know, obviously Gabe's spirit is huge and that's still going. So it was just an honor to meet with them and hear about what they're doing in that community. But I really liked, I mean, Richmond was a very, all our cities, yeah, that's Kate's husband, Travis. Richmond had an amazing vibe to it. Yeah, oh, there's Aspen and Kate. It was very welcoming and, yeah. And I think for me, the takeaway with them, and actually we'll talk about Billy in a second, the takeaway from that organization is this idea of when you experience such a loss of someone like a spouse or, you know, a child, that sort of thing, you know, there are a couple of ways you can go in your life and they've taken to making a difference and making sure that others don't have to go through what they went through. And I think that was one of the, I think Travis said it, he goes, you know, to be able to do this so that other people's kids don't have to experience what the kids of those who passed away. Yes, yes. Billy was not part of the organization. He was an employee at the cafe where we were doing the interviews and we got to interview him a little bit. He was excited to be on camera. Oh, very excited. And everybody was so happy for him. Yeah, and we learned a little bit about his life and he has quite a few struggles. And could you find somebody happier and more loving? You would have never known. No, exactly. But his life is life. Oh, yeah, I mean. Based on that. Exactly. He's very happy to be here. And then. So now we're at the rescuer in South Carolina. This is Danny and Ron's dog rescue. I don't know that any other dog embodies what the center does than this poodle. This guy right here. Yeah, so this poodle, this is what. Is this John John? This was John John. You can see what he looks like now. He was a little bit shy. Yes. He doesn't trust much other than those who work at the center. Right. So, you know, he was a little apprehensive. This is what John John looked like when they rescued him. He had been living in the back of a car where they had basically chained the dog and were just feeding it in the car. Broke in the window so it would at least have ventilation. And we remember how hot South Carolina was. Yes, oh my goodness. But they took the dog in and you know, the difference is stark. And now they're giving this dog this amazing life and the special thing about them is any dog, yeah. Any dog that. That doesn't even seem possible. It doesn't seem possible. On so many levels. And they've created a sanctuary. Any dog that doesn't get adopted will spend the rest of its life. And you saw the fields. Oh, right with the horses too. Across the street that are in a sanctuary. Exactly. The whole setting is so moving and compelling. It just feels so good to be there. Yeah, so from the kill shelters and from really bad environments to suddenly a place where they can spend the rest of their lives in. That's Danny, well my friend Deb, Danny myself and then that's Ron. That's Ron, yeah. This is right out on their property. Ron was seven feet tall. I think it was very tall. I know why I chose to stand next to Ron is beyond me. And then these are some shots of Savannah. Oh, very nice. Where we got to meet a few folks and. Yes, oh what a beautiful city. Ron, beautiful city. And yeah. There you have it. There, yeah, Savannah was a beautiful, beautiful city. Those trees that, yeah. Quintessential Savannah right there. And then our Uber driver, who we got to meet and we got to learn a little about him. Made friends with him. Hopefully got him on the right track and he's probably engaged by now. We gave him some good advice for that date. Exactly, exactly. He was a very nice guy. Oh, super nice guy. And again, you know, right, it was, it was. And that could have just been like, okay, you have a basic conversation and it's friendly and you're safe and that's all you want. But why not kind of lift somebody's spirits whenever you can because we all had fun. He really enjoyed it. We all laughed about it. And yeah, that was, again, just such a phenomenal trip and I'm so pleased with everything I'm seeing so far that we can, you know, get out and spread the word, you know, back to these organizations and beyond and look ahead as far as what impact we can have for the future because the van needs some more miles on it. We didn't want the trip to end. I know, I couldn't agree with you more. Yeah, but there'll be more stories to tell. But it came together, you know, sort of last minute in the sense of we knew we were going to do this at some point, but finally it was like, let's just pick this week and do it because with COVID it just derailed everything. My brother had such great plans for what would it have been 2020. And, you know, then there wasn't any minor league baseball going on and everything happened to be based at, you know, the ball parks. So a lot of other things have kind of filled that in. There's a great event coming up in Albuquerque, second annual, it's the kindness night at Isotopes Park. And all last year, obviously being the first annual, it was just, again, one of those very moving moments.  Again, there was no divide. Everybody was all one. You just felt it. And even the energy at the Isotopes ball park, which is a beautiful place and it's a great place to be no matter what. But everybody just seemed to be a little kinder. It was like we were on camera because it was like, hi, you know, kind of just really going all out because you're thinking about it. And then it's sort of contagious. You know, once you do start smiling, especially when the masks can come off, it's like, hey, baby, I want to start smiling again, you know? So once, you know, everybody gets that vibe going, it really does help. And that's all we can do.  So that's it. And you never know who that one person is that you're touching and what they're going to go on to do. Right, because I believe there's a reason that those paths have crossed. Exactly. And we are fortunate to have our paths crossed, Johnny. I want to thank you for that and for the paths that we have started to cross on the wonderful world of touring. So I think, you know, the best is yet to come as far as a lot of things that we can do and hopefully continue to spread the word and make a difference and keep Jennifer reared in spirit of being kind, loving, caring and sharing as strong as could be. I know that she has to be feeling a lot of pride for everything that Mike has put in place for her, you know, mission to carry on. I think it's all we can hope for. I mean, you can't ask for a better legacy than that.  You don't want to lose anybody, but there's a lot of power in that because, you know, we'll all be together again someday. And yeah. I think it's the word is impact. And I think you're going to be multiplying that impact over the years in a way that it's just going to be. It's like an investment. It is. Hopefully, you know, we're not to get into the market right now, but you know, it just builds. You just need to be in for the long haul. It's not going to be, you know, overnight by any means. Exactly. Change your lives. Yeah, Johnny, thank you so very much. And I can't wait to get together again. We'll wrap things up and start planning our next steps. We can't wait. Thank you so much for making us a part of it. It's been life changing for us. Thank you. That makes, that's the bonus. Okay, thank you. Thank you.


Hello everyone, my name is Milaine Josson, I worked at Colabora since January and I will try to demystify Linux kernel init calls. First, an introduction with the purpose of init calls and how to debug them. Init calls have been implemented early in Linux kernel development around version 2.4. There is no big changes since, except in 2018 with the tracing report added by Stephen Rosdett. We will see an example of how to trace init calls in next slide. But first, what is the purpose of init calls? The purpose is to allow you to call functions at different stages during the boot process. For that, you can find helpers that define the stages. For example, you have pure init call, core init call, post-core init call, and others. Here, it's the distribution in last v5.8 kernel of the different init calls used to define functions. You can see that the most used is subsys underscore init call and also arc init call and device init call. So now, let's see an example. We create a simple function foo underscore init that is just returning 0. For this example, we declare it using post-core init call helper. Thanks to that, this foo init function will be executed at the post-core stage. In fact, using init calls, it's like marking the execution of a function at a specific level of your kernel. That's why the name of the helpers try to reflect the order of the execution. For example, post-core init call function will be called after-core init call once. About debugging init calls, it has been introduced in version 2.5. In fact, you just have to put init call underscore debug keyword in your command line. You will have debug information printed on your console. As you can see, for each init call, you will have two lines printed, one for its start and another one for its end. Thanks to that, you will be able to know the time spent on its execution. This is a nice information to have if you have to perform some boot time improvements, for example. The issue with that is that it increases the boot time during your debug because all these functions declared by all init call level will print these two lines. So you will have a lot of stuff printed on your console. That makes your boot time increasing a lot. Moreover, it's difficult to retrieve specific data from it as it's printed on your console. This point is improved by using ftrace. Here, it's an example on how to do that. First, you mount debug fs. Then in tracing folder, you can retrieve the available events to trace. You can see that there are three events for init calls, start, finish, and level. Then in your command line, you will have to add trace underscore event keyword and you put all the different events you want to trace. In our case, we will trace the three ones. Then you open the trace file and you will get all information about all init calls. You can check also the time execution of each one. And this is nice because you can also use tools to filter such as grep and so on. So now we will focus on the implementation of init calls. We will see the general implementation, different stages of ordering, the execution of function declared, and finally, our modules are handled. Before starting, a short disclaimer. You will need some ELF understanding and I'm definitely not an expert on both subjects. So I will do my best to answer your question after my presentation. I put some interesting resources about ELF and particularly if you are a visual learner like me, I recommend you to have a look at drawings from Korkami that I really liked. Okay, so let's see the implementation of init calls. All the definition will be in include slash linux slash init editor. You will find the helper definitions such as pure init call, core init call, post-core init call, arch init call, and so on. All init calls are using the same define underscore init call definition, but you can see there is only one difference, the last parameter. For next slide, we will use the post-core init call for many examples, but keep in mind that it will be the same for another init call, only the id is different. Define underscore init call function uses two parameters, the name of the function we want to execute at this level and the id which represents the order of your init calls. Let's see that in our simple example. As we just saw before, post-core underscore init call is defined using a define underscore init call function. If we try to expand that to our example, it means that the function name will be foo underscore init and the id will be equals to two because we choose an post-core init call. Let's look at the definition of define underscore init call. In fact, it's defined by another define underscore init call definition which has a third parameter. This third parameter uses the id parameter. It will be the concatenation of the string dot init call and the id of the init call. Because we choose a post-core init call, the third parameter in our case will be dot init call two. If you change it to a core init call, for example, it will be dot init call one because the id of core init call is one. What about this last define init call? We will look closer at this definition in next slides, but we can see that the third parameter is named sec. So let's see this final definition init call function. It's still using the function name as first parameter. So foo underscore init for our example. The id has a second one which equals to four post-core and the third one is a section that will be used in the object file. In our case, it will be dot init call two as I said before. Let's try to see what this colorful definition is doing. As seen before, the parameters will be foo in underscore init because it's the name of our function. Two because we used the post-core helper and dot init call two. The next line is creating an init call underscore t type variable named according to the parameters. It's underscore underscore init call underscore then the function name and then the id. We will see in next slides what attributes and section keyword ordering, but at least it's concatenated the sec parameters with another string init and all this init call underscore t will be equals to our function name. So what it's doing? In fact, it's creating an init call underscore t entry named underscore underscore init call underscore foo underscore init which is the name of our function two. And so this is using the function name and the id. For the attributes section, it's naming an object file section and as we have seen before it will be the third parameter plus init call init sorry string so it will be dot init call two dot init. We can retrieve that using object dump on the kernel object file. You can see that there is a section dot init call two dot init pointing to init call underscore foo underscore init two. To sum up define underscore init call is creating a section in the object file specific to the init call used that will be different according to the id and this will point to an entry that is a link to our function. We can retrieve all the sections for this particular level by looking at all dot init two dot init section. We could do the same for core init call by filtering two dot init call one dot init. Notice that the addresses of all sections are following each other. We will see later why it's important. So we have seen general implementation of init calls. Let's see how ordering of init call is done. First we will be looking at a specific level so how all functions using postcore helper will be order between each of those. You will see by example that it's depending of the order in macfabs. So let's try to see that using an example. Let's create two RTC drivers one called myDriver and the other one myOtherDriver. We choose RTC subsystem but you could use whatever other subsystem you want. In myDriver we create a function called myDriver underscore funk and in myOtherDriver we create myOtherDriver underscore function that is using postcore init call helper for both of them. In the first case we will put myDriver first and then myOtherDriver in the mac file. If we look at the result of the compilation the section in the object file is ordered by myDriver and myOtherDriver. We can see that the address of myOtherDriver function is after the one from myDriver. And if you put this kernel with debug information you will get myDriver function executed before myOtherDriver function. Let's be sure that it's not because of the alphabetical order and let's switch the order in the mac file. So myOtherDriver will be compiled first and myDriver will be the next one. In the object file the sections are inverted. MyOtherDriver function got the same address and myDriver function during our first case in the example. So in fact in the section myOtherDriver is the first one and then you have myDriver function. And again if you add debug information at your boot while you're booting your kernel myOtherDriver function will be the first one executed and myDriver function will be executed right after it. Now that we have seen the ordering for all functions at one level, so in our case it was post co, we will see how the kernel is ordering all the init calls against each others. We already seen one little int, the id of init calls but we will look deeper on that. All the magic is done in init slash main.c which is pretty cool to have a look at this file in the kernel right. This file hosts an init call underscore levels array. This array has entries called init call something underscore start. Most of the time the something between init call and underscore start is a number but there is an exception for WTFS. I will not talk about this specification in this presentation but I want a blog post. If you want to look at it you will find the answer on how WTFS is handled. Anyway each entry of this array is a pointer to a particular level. As you may imagine it will be linked to the id of init calls. Many of the magic is done using linker scripts. The kernel has a linker header that is creating entries depending on a level. At the end you will have for each level an init call something underscore start entry that will point to the first address of a section depending on the level. For example in post call init call the id is equal to 2 so you will have init call to underscore start entry and it will point to the section depending on this level. For example for a level equals to 2 init call to underscore start and we will point to the first address of the section dot init call to dot init and we already talked about it. If you remember define underscore init call was creating this section name into the object file and this is where the kernel stores the order of each init call levels. So now we have seen how the order of init calls between each others is done. Everything is based on an array and for each level functions are ordering by the mac file. So now we will see how our foo underscore init function will be executed and all the code behind init calls because so far we have seen pretty much only definitions. In the main file we will find a do underscore basic underscore setup function that is calling an interesting function called do init calls. This do init calls is using the array we saw before doing a for loop on it. It means that this function is calling all the init call levels one by one. So first the pure init call with its id of zero then the core init call with its id of one and so on. A function do underscore init call level is then called for each level. This do init call underscore level function is once again performing a for loop. It's using the array but for a particular level now. So the level we are using from the previous for loop. The type of fn variable is an init call underscore entry underscore t. It will be the first address given by the entry underscore underscore in equal to underscore start which means if you remember it's the first address of the section dot in equal to dot init. The loop will then iterate on all the addresses for all the section dot init to dot init thanks to the linker script we have seen before. So let's use an example to understand the value of this fn variable. We have the code here and the object dump output for some postcode functions. What will be the different values of fn during the iteration in the for loop? In the first iteration fn will have the first address of the section dot init call to dot init. So it will be equivalent to zero and in our example it's pointing to an atomic underscore pool underscore init function. It will be the parameter of the function inside the loop. The function is named do one init call. On the next iteration fn will be accremated so fn plus plus in the for loop. It means it will point to the next address which equals four and it points to an entry named mvbu underscore sock underscore device. And on the third iteration fn will be equals to the next address eight that will be a currency late init entry. It will continue this iteration until it reach the next level and then it go back to the above loop. So all fn values are passed to one function do one init call function and let's have a look at this function. This do one init call function is performing two main actions let's say. It starts and finish the tracing function and also it's executing the function we created so far. So now we have seen all the implementation and all the code in the kernel. I will try to summarize it and see try to summarize all we have seen so far. So we have our two drivers myOtherDriver and myDriver with their functions myOtherDriver underscore funk and myDriver underscore funk. They both use postcore init call helper. In the Mac file we add these drivers for the compilation. Postcore helper is defined in include slash linux slash init adder as we have seen before. This helper is in fact defined by two defining init calls function having an ID of two. The last defined underscore init call is creating a section in both object file of the drivers. So you will have myOtherDriver dot o and myDriver dot o and each one will have the section dot init to dot init. Then these object files are grouped into the big object file of the kernel vmlinux dot o. Thanks to the order in Mac file the section that we find in this final object file will be ordered by this Mac file. So you will have myOtherDriver underscore funk followed by myDriver underscore funk. Sorry. In init slash main dot c we find an array that order init calls levels between each other by creating an entry for each level. The entry in this array is called init call to underscore start for postcore. You find the doBasicSetup function. This function is calling do underscore init calls using the above array. With a for loop on each levels it's calling another function named do underscore init call underscore level. And this function is calling all level specific functions thanks to the array and the function pointers. And finally do1 init call function is executing the different function creating in our drivers. This function do1 init call is also printing debug information if we boot this kernel using the debug command line keyword. So at the end we will have our two functions executed at postcore level because we use postcore helpers. Between different others functions that can be in the different drivers and the order will be depending on the Mac file. And once all postcore init calls has been executed it will go to the next level. So the next level of postcore init call is arc init call and so on. So far we covered almost all topics general implementation ordering and also codes execution. So we will now look at modules and how they are handled. There are two different types of modules built-in which is modules that you put an Y on kconfig or loadables modules. It's when you put an M in kconfig. Most of the time modules will not be core drivers. They are not needed for a board to become usable for example. For that module underscore init function will be enough because you don't need your function to be executed at early stage of the boot of your kernel. We will see how it's implemented in the code. First of all we will look at built-in module. In module header you will find the definition of module underscore init. It's using a function called init call. If you look at the definition of this init call function in fact it's using device underscore init call. If you remember the order of the different init calls device init call is one of them executed at the last stage of the boot process. It means that your built-in module function will be executed at the device level of the boot process later than core related init calls which is great because most of the time your module will not be core stuff related. About loadable module in case you didn't use module underscore init function helper sorry but an init call helper such as postcard or whatever in fact they are replaced by module underscore init definition. Its definition is different from built-in module so we'll see. In this case module underscore init is defined like this. To simplify it will create an init underscore module function and this init underscore module function will be an alias to the name of your function. In a script inside the kernel it's adding additional code in module c5. If you try to compile a module you will find them in the kernel as my module name dot mod dot c and if you look at this c file you will find some code that is adding init underscore module function in dot init section. This is important for the rest we'll see. So finally in kernel slash module dot c file do underscore init module function is defined. This function will be executed with a cscoll at the module insertion so when you are doing load mode for example to load a module it will execute a cscoll that will execute do underscore init underscore module function. Its definition is executing a function that we already seen before the name is do underscore 1 underscore init code. If you remember it was the last function called the one that is executing the function and with all the tracing support between the execution of your function and for modules the parameter is the init section of your module. If you remember we have seen just before dot init is equals to init underscore module function which is in fact an alias to your own function. So modules and module underscore init function is in fact reusing what we have seen so far with init calls to execute your function at the last part of the boot process of your of your kernel. To summarize about module underscore init function for built-in module the function will be executed at device level which is nice because most of the time modules are drivers for devices and not architecture or core stuff. Loadable module will execute the function you want to execute at the module insertion using the init calls mechanism we have seen before. It means that if you don't have reasons to execute your function at early stage of the boot process you should use module underscore init. The benefit of it will be that you will save time consumed for booting your kernel and most important it will let more important function being executed earlier than yours. And that's it. I think we have seen a good overview of init calls. I hope you like it and that you learn how init calls are implemented in the kernel. I will be here one for questions and I will do my best to answer you. Thank you for attending my talk and see you around.


Okay, okay. So hello everyone and hello professor because we have a guest today and it's a professor some back in the the outer of the Malignan self love. Narcissist, very visited. Hello, some. Hello. Yeah, some is shorter than professor. It's a. Yes, today I would love to speak with you about love about what is love actually mean especially what does it mean when a person with NPD and will with BPD is saying I love you what exactly does it mean. Yes, well, the answer is a bit long because like everything else with the narcissist is complicated is unlike other people. That's why they are narcissists and they are not other people. The narcissist is not capable of loving others is not capable of loving. Not only romantically, but he's not capable of loving friends or loving his children or loving generally loving humanity or easing capable of the emotion of love. Now in psychology we do not make a distinction between loving your husband and loving your dog. This is love. It's the same emotion. It is manifested differently and has different behavioral aspects of course, hopefully you don't behave with your husband the same way you behave with your dog. But the emotion behind this is absolutely the same and the narcissist is incapable of it for 10 reasons. So it's going to be a bit of a long answer. I apologize in advance. First of all, the narcissist is not capable of recognizing the externality and separateness of other people. In other words, the narcissist is not capable of perceiving other people as external to him and as separate from him. Now when I say him and her, half of all narcissists are women. So everything I'm using the male gender pronouns, but it applies to women as well, women narcissists as well. So there's no capacity to recognize that other people are out there and that they are separate from the narcissist. The narcissist treats other people as internal objects as extensions. So any kind of emotion, any kind of catexis that the narcissist has with regards to other people is actually self directed. So even when the narcissist is sexually attracted to someone, he is actually attracted to himself. This is known as auto erotism. Even when the narcissist thinks that he is in love with someone, he is actually in love with the internal object that represents this someone in his mind. So he is in love with himself in effect. Narcissists in short are incapable of othering regarding people as others. The second problem is that narcissists are over cognitive. They have cognitive style, not emotional style. They possess everything through cognition. They do have empathy, for example, but it is called empathy, cognitive and reflexive, not emotional. They do have negative emotions, but the negative emotions are possessed cognitively. Everything is cognition. Now the narcissist, narcissism is a fantasy defense. In other words, the narcissist lives in fantasy, not in reality, is divorced from reality. And fantasy involves cognitive distortion. Fantasy involves falsifying reality. So the narcissist puts emphasis on cognition and is incapable consequently of positive emotions. Narcissists are also very afraid of positive emotions because positive emotions are automatically linked to negative emotions. If you are capable of experiencing positive emotions, then of course you will also experience negative emotions. And the narcissist's negative emotions are life-threatening. For example, shame. The narcissist's shame is life-threatening. So narcissists say, okay, I will not experience positive emotions in order to not experience my shame or my guilt or whatever. Next thing is what is known as bed objects. Inside the narcissist, there is a group, a constellation of voices. They are known as introjects. These voices keep telling the narcissist, keep informing the narcissist. You are unworthy. You are bad.  You are ugly.  You will never amount to anything. You keep making mistakes, etc., etc. And the bed objects actually tells the narcissist, you are not lovable. You cannot be loved. No one will ever love you. You are so bad, so corrupt, so hopeless that no one will ever love you. So the narcissist needs to validate the bed object because the bed object is usually, not always, but usually the voice of mother and father. The voices of mother and father. So the narcissist is still a child and the child cannot say mother is wrong, father is wrong. The narcissist should validate the bed object. The way to validate the bed object is by acting unlovable. When you try to love the narcissist, he pushes you away. He abuses you. He abuses you. He makes you not love him.  Father said so. They said I'm unlovable and they're never wrong.   Reactive abuse, you know. This is known as projective identification when the narcissist forces his partner to not love him. The next thing is that narcissists feel superior. They are vaughty. They are conceited. They believe that they are supreme and so on. And everyone is capable of loving. Even pets, even animals love. Love means that you're like everyone else. Like everybody else because everybody loves. If you love, you're like everybody else. You're common. And this is unacceptable to the narcissist. He perceives love as a weakness. He perceives love as the great equalizer. It makes him equal to other people. And he's not equal. He's godlike. So he regards love as a kind of power play. I'm going to prove to you that I don't love you. I'm going to prove to you that I don't need you.   You cannot make me love you because I'm not weak. I'm godlike and I'm not like everybody else. You think you have power over me. You can make me love you. I'm going to show you that you don't have power over me because I'm unique. I'm special. So there's a lot of contempt. When the narcissist comes across a potential love interest, this generates in him a reaction of contempt and rage, anger, because he feels threatened by love. Love threatens to expose the fact that he is like everybody else, that he's vulnerable, and that he is in need of love. And he hates this. He hates to realize this. Next thing is that narcissists uses relationships to replay, to reenact early childhood experiences, early childhood conflicts, especially an attempt to separate from the mother and to become an individual known as separation individuation.  The narcissist converts you into a mother figure, a maternal figure.  So he reenacts it. He replays it inside the relationship.    And I'm going to separate from you, as I should have separated from my biological mother and failed. But with you, I'm going to succeed.  This is automatic. It's known as a repetition compulsion. It's not something that the narcissist can control. It's totally automatic.  It's incestuous.  It's incestuous. And he cannot love you also. It's also not OK. It's a taboo. He's breaking a taboo, which is very strong. Narcissists associate love with pain, rejection, and abandonment because this has been the first experience of love that they've had as children. As children, the narcissist is abused. It may be physically, maybe sexually, maybe emotionally, maybe verbally, maybe psychologically. Maybe the narcissist is instrumentalized, used as a tool to realize the mother's unfulfilled wishes or the father's hopes and expectations. Maybe the child is parentified, is forced to act as a parent to his own parents. Whatever the case may be, it's a bad experience. It's a horrible experience. So the narcissist learned as a child that love leads to pain, rejection, and abandonment. Love is not safe. There's no secure base. Love is not safe. Love involves a loss of control. Love involves a threat. Love involves an external locus of control. So love is angiogenic, creates anxiety. In the narcissist, love creates anxiety. It's not a pleasant experience at all. It's a terrifying experience. The narcissist's love, and this is the last point, the narcissist's love is transactional. The narcissist has learned as a child that in order to be loved, he has to perform. He has to do something. He has to deliver something. If he fails somehow, he is not loved. He's not loved any longer. So this conditional love is the only form of love that the narcissist knows. So the narcissist thinks that if you love him, you want something from him. He thinks that love is manipulative. You're using love to manipulate him and to conclude some kind of transaction in which you're going to have some benefits. And then he becomes very worried. He becomes anxious because what would happen if he fails to deliver? If he does not succeed to perform, you will leave him. You will leave him for sure because it's a business deal. So this also increases the anxiety. As you can see, as far as the narcissist is concerned, love sucks. It's a really, really bad experience on multiple levels. Some of them unconscious. Some of them conscious. The only outcome of love is enormous anticipatory anxiety. Something bad is going to happen to me. As a narcissist, if I love, something bad is going to happen to me. Something bad is already happening to me inside because of my unconscious processes and so on. My grandiosity is challenged, but something bad is going to happen to me outside because I'm unlovable. And if people say they love me, they want something from me the same way my parents did. And I'm bound to fail. The narcissist catastrophizes. I'm bound to fail and it will all end in tears, blood and tears. That's how narcissists see love. So why would they love? Thank you so much for this deep analysis. And above all that, I would like to ask, so why sometimes they insist that they can love? That they... Yes, I love you. Yeah, I can feel it. Why they insist? What is that they are misinterpret with this sentence? First of all, exactly as you said, they mislabel. This is a mislabel. What they feel, what they're feeling is not love. They're not capable of love, period. They're not capable of what we call catexes, emotional investment in a love object. By the way, any object, any love object, even inanimate objects, they are not capable of loving anything because they have what Freud called at the time narcissistic libido. Their love, all their emotions are self-directed. When the narcissist was growing up, the only safe space was himself, the false self. Mother was not safe, father was not safe, the family was not safe, siblings were not safe. No one helped the child. He could only rely on this god-like invention, the false self. So what narcissists call love is what clinicians call the shared fantasy. It's a fantasy defense. Within this fantasy, the narcissist convinces himself that he is in love. He has to label. He feels, he's feeling some things and he has to label them. So he labels them love. Some narcissists are also manipulative, especially antisocial, malignant or psychopathic narcissists. They're manipulative. So they will tell you that they love you to keep you around. In order to create in you attachment and bonding in order to get you addicted to them, in order to obtain some benefits like sex or money or whatever, they will tell you that they love you to obtain a goal because they're goal oriented and that's a manipulative strategy and it's potentially a crime. This is known as the lover-boy method. Andrew Tate right now is, you know, in prison for this. Not in prison, but in front of a trial. So, but the vast majority of narcissists really believe that they love me. It's just the fantasy. The fantasy is so overpowering, so wonderful. It's such a Disneyland. It's a theme park. They can't let it go within the fantasy. They feel validated. They feel they feel that the grandiosity is true. It's not false. They feel that they are wonderful and unique. They idealize their partner in order to idealize themselves. So both of them become ideal in sort of a cloud or a bubble and so on. And what they feel is the gratification of constant narcissistic supply.  It's such a high that they can't tell the partner, you're a wonderful source of narcissistic supply. You are gratifying me. Thank you very much. They say I love you. It's total mislabel. And you should not fall for it. You should not fall for it if the person is a narcissist. That's nonsense. He is incapable of loving. Thank you so much for that. And I do agree you shouldn't go for it because my another question is why loving a person with NPD hurts so much? Because I know that it hurt because I was in this kind of relationship. It's not only from the knowledge from books but from also personal experience. But why it hurts so much like nothing else on this earth? Why? Because it's the only kind of relationship where you have multiple forms of grief when the relationship breaks. You have multiple forms of grief and within the relationships you are constantly in a state of mourning, of grief. Because the relationship involves death, not life. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist as I said it's a fantasy but this fantasy is shared. We don't call it fantasy. We call it shared fantasy.  It's very gratifying. It's your own source of narcissistic supply. You see yourself through the narcissist's eyes and you fall in love with the image of you that the narcissist projects to you. You don't love the narcissist.  This is the opening stage and it feels wonderful and it feels perfect and it feels ideal and it feels like nothing you've had before. And then abruptly and suddenly it becomes a nightmare. This is known as intermittent reinforcement.  Gradually you assume the maternal role because that's the narcissist's condition for the shared fantasy.  He becomes like your child. And so when the relationship goes bad when the narcissist begins to devalue you when definitely when the narcissist discards you or when you leave the relationship when you abandon the narcissist and go away you are grieving multiple things. First of all you are grieving your idealized image. You're no longer idealized.  That hurts.  Of course many, many people have auto-plastic defenses. That means they blame themselves. They ask, what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? You know, they feel guilty. They feel ashamed and so on.  You grieve the relationship because the fantasy is difficult to let go of. The fantasy involves a vision of the future. A vision of the future where you're going to be together and have children or big common business or whatever. So there's a vision of the future which you have to let go of. This vision of the future gave your life many in direction and purpose. You felt elated and you felt wonderful that you know you have a common goal and you're working towards that goal and suddenly it's gone. So you're mourning the fantasy. You're mourning the child.  And you're mourning your partner, of course. And you're mourning not your partner so much as the fact that you idealized him. You're mourning the imaginary partner that you had within the fantasy. Because of all these multiple forms of grief which are simultaneous you're mourning the child which are simultaneous grieving yourself, grieving the child, grieving the fantasy, grieving the partner, grieving the imaginary partner. Because of all these multiple forms of grief you're in a very, very bad shape. You're unable to regulate yourself. You cannot give yourself answers.  You feel wronged. You feel a victim. And at the same time you feel that you must have done something wrong. You were the perpetrator. Maybe you were the abuser. You begin to doubt yourself. Maybe I'm the narcissist. It's a place of total disorientation and dysregulation. And in this sense clinically people after in the wake of relationships with narcissists clinically they're indistinguishable from borderline personality disorder. So complex complex trauma or complex PTSD which is very, very a very common response to relationships with narcissists is clinically the same as borderline personality disorder. You're reacting exactly the same.  You are self-harming and self-destructive. You encounter huge emotions, very powerful emotions. You're overwhelmed by shame and guilt. You become aggressive and disempathic. You lose empathy. You feel like a victim and then you feel like an abuser.  These are all classical signs of borderline personality disorder. And so it's a bad place to be. I do agree after relationship that I've had in the past many years ago you feel also unworthy. I felt unworthy also. I've had a second thought that definitely is something wrong with me. And it was of course, but in a different way that I even asked my therapist, tell me if I do have maybe BPD because I'm my behavior it's like that. And then my therapist said, no you don't have a BPD. You have CPTSD and PTSD. And then I saw that when I regulate myself regularly in a therapy then I observed that, okay I understand now what was going on and I have to just go through this process. But yes, it's it's really difficult and painful. That's why I have also one question. What would be one advice you could give to people or to someone who is thinking about this kind of relationship to what they can do to stop this and what they can do for themselves to not even start this kind of relationship with NPD. What they can do, how they can help themselves before it will start because after and even during it will be really painful. Well, there are many signs but before I go there you mentioned something very important in order for the narcissist to devalue you and to discard you victims must understand that the narcissist is having a relationship with himself not with you. You don't exist, you're not an external object you're an internal object in the narcissist's mind he's having a relationship with himself. Now don't forget that at the core of narcissism there's a bad object. So the narcissist is having a relationship with a bad object. When the narcissist is in a shared fantasy with you he's actually in a shared fantasy with a bad object because the narcissist is terrified of the bad object. What the narcissist does he idealizes the bad object he falsifies it. He says it's not a bad object it's an all good object. But the minute the narcissist converts the bad object into an all good object that means that the narcissist becomes a bad object. This is known as splitting. If the bad object is all good what remains of the narcissist is all bad. So the narcissist cannot escape the bad object whatever the narcissist does he remains stuck with the bad object and there's one solution what the narcissist does is he merges the bad object with your object. In his mind the narcissist has an internal object that represents you. So he takes this internal object and he merges it with the bad object.  But he needs to devalue and discard you. It is an integral part of the shared fantasy. There is nothing you can do about online many self-styled experts as usual give wrong advice and nonsensical information.