Today, we're gonna talk about some early signs that a guy wants to be committed to you. So at what point do you wanna find out you're on the same page with a man when it comes to dating, mating, or relating? But I wanna share with you a personal story that might illustrate this and see if you can relate to the following. I know about five or six years ago I had a first date with a woman I met through a dating app and we had what appeared to be a really good time. I say appeared, I thought it was a good time and I called the schedule a second date. And what she told me was she's not ready for anything serious. She said she just got out of a serious relationship and she needed to play the field. Now those weren't her words but that's what I heard from what she said. Well, it occurred to me as then why did you waste my time if you weren't serious about a relationship?  Well, I'm sure you've heard that people tell you you should go to date a bit to learn what you want because you'll realize what you don't want. But let me ask you, what does it feel like ladies when you go out with a man, you happen to like him and he says he's not serious about a relationship that he basically, for lack of a better word wants to play the field. See, this is the problem with the dysfunctional C that we're swimming in this C of humanity, if you will when it comes to midlife dating. See, a lot of people are wasting each other's time and I just don't think that's fair and let me raise my hand. I am guilty of being in that category of men that did not know what he wanted. I didn't have a clear understanding of the mechanic, excuse me, the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship. I just knew that I wanted some occasional companionship. I wanted some occasional connection. I wanted some occasional sex and yet I wasn't serious about commitment. I went through this period for a long time. I was a train wreck after my divorce. Have you met a man who was a train wreck after his divorce? Have you met a man that was uncertain what he wanted? Have you met a man that was broken? Well, if you've experienced all of that then you probably don't want to waste your time with someone and you'd much rather have signs early on that they are actually have the potential of being committed to you. See, we struggle here with the, let me pause for a second from what I was about to share. I think one of the greatest challenges we're faced with for those of us in midlife is we don't know what the container of a relationship looks like. People say the words that they want a relationship but what does that mean? I have a relationship with my hair stylist. I have a relationship with the barista at the coffee shop. I have a relationship with friends. But what does the word relationship mean from a romantic perspective? What does that container look like? See, we all know what marriage looks like and we even know what living together kind of looks like or what, I mean, we do know what that looks like. You're living together, you're married. Those are containers we understand but what does serious relationship look like? What does it look like? What does it look like on a day in, day out basis? Because a lot of people don't know if they're in a casual relationship, if they're in a situation ship or even if they're in a serious relationship. Now we might think serious relationship means the following. We call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. We agree to monogamy and we agree to exclusivity. Okay, those are good agreements to have but that's still ambiguous to some sense. And I'm gonna share some early signs that a man wants something more serious. But I think it's important that we look at the five stages of a relationship that every couple goes through. They all go through these five stages. The first stage is the honeymoon phase. This is where you're amped up on chemicals. I am so guilty of being amped up on chemicals. This is also known as luster limerence and we feel this euphoric connection with another human being until bump, bump, bump, doubt starting to come in. You start noticing the differences. And in the beginning stage, you're kind of in denial of this. This is where we see the red flags but we have this propensity to overlook them because the honeymoon phase that beginning is so juicy and delicious. I mean, let's face it, it feels amazing to have a connection with another human being. It feels amazing to feel like this person gets you. It feels amazing to just think that, ah, I can let my guard down. I finally found the one, okay? But during this honeymoon phase, everybody experiences this experience of doubt and what we typically do is we deny the doubt. I said this before, we paint these red flags green or we have rose-colored glasses because, and I'm guilty of this. We think magic fairy dust will change everything. And then what happens next is that we go through this winter phase where you start to actually possibly have some friction between the two of you. You might have some conflicts. You might have some differences of opinion. The problem is, they might be misaligned with you or you think, well, we might be able to get through this. So we go through this winter phase, this phase of like, God, it's worth sticking it out because we had this great honeymoon to begin with. But what happens next is the decision-making stage. This is critically important.  This is like, are we all in or is this just a practice relationship or is this just a placeholder? You know, a lot of people end up in what I call placeholder relationships. These are when you're with someone that's called a spender. This is the person that wants occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex, but they're not capable of commitment because the final stage of a relationship is the basically, are we gonna do this long-term or not? And it takes roughly about six months to a year to figure this out for the most part. You should know within six months to the year, is this something that we are going to grow long-term or is this gonna be a relationship where we go, thank you, but we're not a fit for one another? That's the stage as a relationship. And guess what? Even a good relationship doesn't necessarily mean it's meant to work out. The quality of a relationship isn't based on the ability to go to the distance. The quality of a relationship is have we help, it could be simply we were there to help each other learn and grow. Maybe we're there to heal one another. And maybe we were meant to have a good time or when I say a good time or have things to be grateful for, but it isn't meant to go the distance. And if certainly within a year, you should be able to figure this out. But the tough part to determine if you're on the same page is what I'm about to share with you to spot these early signs that he wants to at least make the effort. He's willing to make the effort to go, I'm willing to explore this as an all-in type of relationship. Well, first and foremost, and this isn't the first sign, but I wanna be clear about something. I noticed one of the dating apps hinge has a category lists the type of relationship you're seek. Is it a life partner? Is it a long-term relationship? Is it long-term, but you're not sure? Is it short-term? Is it strictly friends with benefits? It lists all the different types of relationship one seeks. Listen, folks, I'm an advocate for life partner relationships. I'm an advocate for that. I don't think many of us wanna hit our 50s and 60s or 70s strictly with a just boyfriend and girlfriend. I hope that if you've invested a couple years with someone, it is for a long-term committed relationship. Now, does it have to be marriage? It doesn't have to be, but I think the idea, even if it isn't a legal marriage, that there is some more concrete bonds between the two of you. And I want you to think back a thousand years ago, a marriage was simply a handshake. That's all it was.  That was the extent of a commitment then. Today, it's a big legal fiasco, but that's another conversation. So what are the seven early signs that a man wants to be committed to, that a guy wants to be committed to? Well, I think first and foremost, he makes time for you. I know this is obvious, but he keeps regular contact with you. It is not spotty. It's not inconsistent. Lately, I've been tongue-tied. It's not inconsistent. It's consistent. He makes regular time for you. But Jonathan, I'm in a long-distance relationship, folks. Let me just tell you something. I know many, I would probably venture to say that well over a third, if not half of the women who reach out to me for some level of coaching. And by the way, if you want some coaching, schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. That's right there. And by the way, there's a link below as well. You gotta understand about long-distance. Talking on the telephone is artificial intimacy. Okay, it's artificial intimacy. And most men get burnt out on the telephone anyway at some point in time. So be really mindful, if you're going to do long-distance dating, then you should have a plan. Because particularly if two people live hours apart and they are completely dependent upon where they live, you are talking about a fiasco of epic proportions when you get attached to this other person and you just don't have enough time to see each other. So he makes regular time to be with you. Number two, his actions match his words. God, I'm itching right here. His actions match his words, coming back to consistency. You know, it's not ambivalent.  There's a consistent nature to this person. Their actions match their words. That demonstrates their character. And character is a critically important component, I believe, in choosing a partner. Character is about emotional maturity. Character is about having your act together. Character is about being mindful of others. Because it's difficult to build trust with a person who is inconsistent, their actions don't match their words. It's hard to actually trust a person. And trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, does this person have my best interest at heart? I want you to think about it. Physical intimacy seems to happen well before trust happens. Isn't that sad that physical intimacy these days is the equivalent of kissing? And it's treated so cavalierly. I'm here to say, ladies, you've heard my rhetoric before, I'll say it again. Before the penis goes inside the vagina, read the book, eight dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. This is a great blueprint to having some real serious conversations before you get physically intimate with someone. The third sign, a person, early sign, a man wants to be committed to you is that he's transparent about his past relationships. He's transparent. It's not a secret. Folks, a good predictor of the future is how somebody operated on the past. And while people might have indiscretions in their past, just remember, there's always a capacity for growth. If people have been on a healing journey, I'll be candid with you. I was an emotionally constipated husband. I was emotionally inept. I was rather juvenile. I was rather self-centric when I got married. I was immature when I got married. Took me 30 plus years to actually have some semblance of real understanding of what it means to be a partner with someone. And I had to go through a lot of hell to get there. So everybody has a capacity for growth, but it's important to find out about their past relationship so you don't find out later that maybe they're still in love with their ex-spouse. Maybe they have a contentious relationship with an ex-spouse. Maybe they're still communicating with an ex-girlfriend. And quite frankly, we're kind of praying that people will be honest with us. Think of how much dishonesty happens for those of us in midlife. So I wanna pray that most men are good guys. They're just bad at this process, but this is what we're faced with. Number four, he engages in your life. He engages in your life. No, excuse me, scratch that.  He engages, like he brings you into his life. Quite frankly, this is a two-lane street, okay? But you're engaged in each other's life. Number five is that he wants to be engaged in your life, including meeting family, meeting friends. People that do that earlier are more apt to be serious about commitment when you're integrating into each other's lives.  That's number four and that's number five. Let me just say something. Integrating into each other's lives is one of the critical components for building the deep roots of trust that's necessary for a serious relationship.  But Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship. Folks, when you're doing long distance, it's almost virtually impossible unless you have a serious plan to integrate. Now remember, I said this before, my coaching is based on those that seek life partners. If you're fine with casual, then my advice may or may not apply to you. If you're fine being breadcrumbs, then my advice isn't gonna be what you seek. If you're fine with casual, then you're probably gonna get annoyed with my advice. See, many of you will accept breadcrumbs, you'll accept casual, because many of you are this, you wear duct tape on your mouth. You don't speak your truth, you're afraid to speak up because that honeymoon is such amazing. Oh my God, Jonathan, we have the most amazing chemistry. It's the most amazing sex. We have this connection that's just off the charts. Does that mean you're compatible? Does this mean you truly share the same values? Does it mean your lifestyles are blendable? And more importantly, is this person emotionally mature enough? Does he have the relationship skills, you as well, to actually weather the storms? I'm screaming, chill, Jonathan. I'm just riled up, I'm passionate about this. Number six, he's protective of you. See, it's not about physically protective of you, I mean he's emotionally protective of you. Why do you think men bail early in the dating process?  We are driven, I'm not always, but oftentimes driven by our desire to have sex. But if we know you're not the one, we'll bail rather quickly because we'll be protective of you, a good percentage of men.  Broken men, emotionally broken men will, I call them spenders. If you haven't seen my chart before, there's three types of people actively dating. It's called the users, the spenders and the grower builders. By the way, this is not a fact merely an opinion. And by the way, the percentages are roughly about 20% of men and women are users. These are seek short-term game. Love bombers, players, gold diggers, entitled people, selfish people, only caring about their needs. And then the builders, this percentage over here, they seek long-term commitment, their emotionally grown up, good relationship skills. They have their act together.  They'll put you in the place order. By the way, please forgive the glare. They put you in what I call the placeholder category. They seek occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex, no direction, uncertain, fearful and dysfunctional. See, we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctional human beings. So it occurs to me. Am I a pessimist? See, I wanna be optimistic, but I feel like I'm a pessimist, but I'm really just a realist.  By the way, there's a link right there to schedule a discovery call. Link's below to get to know working with the coaches, right? For you, my job is to put the odds far more in your favor. What did they say in Hunger Games? May the odds forever be in your favor. That's why I'm a big proponent of doing more work to really learn how to vet for emotional maturity, get really clear on who's compatible with you. And most importantly, are they an emotional grownup to be in relationship?  Because the number seven, an early sign a man wants to be committed to you, he understands that relationships are about the future versus let's just live in the moment. See, a lot of men who are just living in the moment, they're just hoping some, they're not even hoping. They live under a fantasy that somehow magic ferried us will somehow convince them that you're long-term worthiness. Let me just tell you this. Ask any man who's been happily married and they almost all say the same thing. I knew within three months that she was the one. I officiated a wedding last year. He said it was at the three month mark, I knew she was the one. And what that meant was all it simply meant was she was the one he wanted to go the distance with. But broken men, and we are swimming in the sea of a lot of broken men in midlife, you can't even consider someone the one because you're not whole within yourself. If you're broken, it's almost impossible to choose someone long-term. So what will they do? They use you until it's no longer fun for them. See, men have the benefit. Men can be detached. Women have a propensity to get attached to a man far more than the other way around. So you have to be more diligent. If you were all my daughter, if you were my sister, if you were someone, a dear friend of mine, I'm protective of you. I wish I could be there on a first date for you. I'd have the shotgun pointed at the guy's face and saying, what's your intentions with my sister?  You have to be your own advocate, and that's why I scream at the top of my lungs for you to be your own advocate. Because at the end of the day, you were in charge of your relationship, Destiny, not the guy. You are. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. If it is, I'd like to hear your thoughts on what I just shared, post a comment below. If this did resonate with you, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well. All right, it's time for questions. If you have a question for me, write the word question, then post the question there after. Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there, the woody outfit. He's my son who passed away a few years ago in his honor. We donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute and Seeds of Love. And let's try to shoot for $50 today. I'd like to be able to donate. So hit that dollar sign. Today, I met for coffee, a friend of mine, a Facebook friend. We met each other twice. She lost her son six months after I lost my son. And so we had a chance. She lives in Atlanta. I live in Los Angeles. We had a chance to connect together, which was really nice. So I'd really like to donate to the Connor Asley scholarship fund. So if you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after, or as I said, purchase a super sticker super chat. Or if you'd like to join the hot seat, there's a link below. If you wanna join me live, hit that button to join the hot seat as well. Joy says, Jonathan, yes, it's sinking in for sure. I'm sad, yeah, I'm glad to hear that. All right. It's time not, yep, it does. Just makes me wanna invest in Energizer. Oh, is that for vibrators? All right, do we have any questions? Elizabeth says, I love it when you use this shotgun example. All right. Billy Lean, Lynn says, true, Jonathan, women need to know their worth, then prove it if, wait, prove it if he don't want it in, if he don't want it, he don't want it. Exactly, Billy Lean, thank you so much. If you have a question, write the word question. All right, let's keep swimming here. All right, Sarah's got a question in the house. Is it a red flag if a man has no hobbies and interests and easy job he doesn't care about and nothing he seems to be passionate about? Is it a red flag? Well, you know, red flag simply means find out more information. I want you to differentiate between a deal breaker and a red flag. Would I make that a deal breaker? There's a hundred more things I'd put on the top of the list of deal breaker. Versus this, let me just say something to all of you.  Red flag simply means, is this something I can live with or not? So is it something you can live with he has no hobbies and interests? Maybe you have hobbies and interests, he'd go, fuck, I'd like to do that with you. Or does it mean he's a couch potato? Could possibly be. I, listen, I'm no picnic folks. I'm actually rather boring if you want, if I'm being honest with myself. I'm not a good social director. My hobby is I have one hobby. I study human behavior incessantly. I am probably neurotic in this state. I'm addicted to trying to figure out why humans are so ridiculously dysfunctional. I'm just fascinated with it. My own dysfunctionality as well. So I don't have a lot of hobbies. I mean, I'm trying to get back into golf and I'm like to get into dancing again, but they're not like really big hobbies.  So here's, let me give you a flip side, Sarah Rose. What if he had the hobby of golf and he played every single day for five hours a day? Would you want to date that? So, you know, I would just say this, is it something you can live with that he doesn't? Or is it something he might get involved in your hobbies? That's another way of looking at it. So is it a deal? First off, I wouldn't consider it a deal breaker. And by the way, ladies, everything is a red flag these days, okay? So that's just my two cents on that one. All right, let's keep going. Joy says, you have helped me so much in the past four months, more so the last month, I'm always painting red flags green, you know? It fascinates me.  I once dated a woman, my first relationship after my divorce. And I'll never forget, actually, I think it was on her third date with me or the third or fourth time we saw each other. She said, Jonathan, I have to date you with rose-colored glasses. And I said, why? She goes, you're so not ready for a relationship. I said, no, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. You know, he's going through a divorce and everything. And she goes, no, you're not ready, but I'm wearing rose-colored glasses. So we had been dating for a couple of months and it was Christmas time. And look what she gave me for a Christmas gift. I don't know if you can see this, but these are rose-colored glasses, okay? You see that? Rose-colored glasses. This was 17 years ago. You know, she knew, she knew going into it. It was probably not gonna work out. She had a sixth sense because I was a train wreck, but I also, I'm kind of a charming guy. I can be gregarious. I have an infectious laugh at times, you know? And she went against her better judgment knowing it. And sure enough, three and a half months in, I said, I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready for a relationship. I wasn't ready for the emotional effects of what a relationship entails. I knew I wanted companionship. I knew I wanted connection. I knew I wanted sex. In fact, I wanted sex. I wanted sex. I wanted sex. But I didn't want anything serious. How often, when we like someone, we paint those red flags green, how often do we put on rose-colored glasses? I think it's the rose-colored glasses that allows us to fall into love because there is no such thing as a perfectly aligned human being. I think we're all, I think most humans are delusional in this area. This is why you'll see dating coach after dating coach after dating coach will tell you ladies that your standards are so ridiculously high that you're so ridiculously picky. Because the truth is the right guy for you may not look like Brad Pitt. And you're like, no, well, I'm not trying to date Brad Pitt, but we all try to date, we all want the best version of someone, someone else. And so then the minute we have a connection with another human being, even though it may be completely a mismatch, we'll put on our rose-colored glasses. Folks, we are just humans. You know, I'm guilty of it, you're guilty of it. There's, you know, the thing is, is let me just say this about dating advice. Listen, I'm not here to suggest my advice is accurate for 100% of you. It might be only valid for a small percentage of you. I'm just here to draw attention to the importance of one particular thing is you are in charge of your relationship, Destiny. You are, okay? Not the man. Number two, I'm an advocate for self-love. In fact, I wrote a book about it.  Anyway, a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. By the way, there's a book recommendations list in the show notes here. I'm here to do a little pitch of my book. I'm here to advocate self-love. I'm here to advocate getting clear on who's the right person for you and how to vet for that. That's what I do right there in my coaching. I'm an advocate because the thing is, one size doesn't fit all. By the way, seven early signs a guy wants to be committed to you. These are just some basic guidelines.  I'm here to open, expand your horizons. Every woman who works with me coaching always says the same thing. Jonathan, you made me think. Jonathan, why didn't they teach me this in school? Jonathan, why didn't my parents teach me this? This is why I get call after call from clients who work with me. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy and I know the difference. They know the difference because they're not being ambivalent. They're not being naive. They're being intentional. And that's why I scream at the top of my lungs to shake you up. All right, enough rambling. Is that sinking in? Marie is in the house. Question, is it wrong to be with a man that is years younger than me? Well, if he's underage, absolutely yes. If he's under 18 years old, I don't endorse that. Actually, he might endorse it, but I don't endorse it. Folks, that's an individual question.  Is he emotionally mature? Can you blend your lives together? Does he want a serious commitment? There's a lot more things you wanna ask. Because attraction alone is not enough. Many of you know my relationship iceberg. Attraction above the water line is chemistry, but true compatibility lies with shared values, blendable lifestyles, and most importantly, emotional maturity. Can a 12-year-old have emotional maturity? Well, actually a 12, okay. I know 18-year-old men that have more emotional maturity than 65-year-old men, so it has nothing to do with age, Marie. So that's just my two cents on that one. Let's keep going. Oh, Veronica's in the house. By the way, if you wanna join the hot seat, who's got some nerve to join the hot seat? Okay, question.  I think he's an avoidant. 10 days, no sex, doesn't propose for 13 months. Paying my bills, he's 68. Veronica, do you actually have a question? Okay, so come back with a question. I don't know what your question is. All right, Ann has a question. Have you figured out why we are so dysfunctional? Absolutely, yes, I have. The vast majority of humans have childhood wounds and traumas.  We all have childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our life. This is why I'm an advocate of the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. The world famous technique that empowers you to forgive your past, heal your present and transform your future. The reason why we are so dysfunctional is very few humans are truly introspective, truly introspective to their wounds. Okay, so take divorce, for example. Divorce is the unraveling of the tapestry of a life you built with another human being. Now, what do people do? They immediately want to attach themselves to someone else. I literally moved out of the house after my wife and I filed for divorce and I was on a dating app the next day. And for the next five years, I was doing the, I need you to complete me. Oh, I just spit on my screen. I need you to complete me. I was so broken, I just wanted someone to fill the void inside of me. That's dysfunctional. Getting triggered and going off the handle, that's dysfunctional, treating someone with criticism, treating someone with contempt, treating with someone defensiveness, treating someone stonewalling. That's dysfunctionalism. We are now a very self-centric society. You know, you read about incessantly about narcissists. Well, I just had Dr. Stan Takin on who wrote the book, Wired for Love. And he said, look, everybody is narcissistic. We all are self-centric because it's human nature to be that way.  No, but we humans are typically pretty dysfunctional beings.  Wait, what was it? If you, I was at a 12-step program, this is my 12th day of sobriety on dysfunctionality. I'm just kidding. What are dysfunctional behaviors? Look, I had someone recently write an incredibly nasty comment to me the other day on social media. That hurt. And I spun out of control for days. I allowed a human I've never met before who's never met me. I allowed that to infect my chi. That's dysfunctional. I'm sorry.  I don't have thick skin. And, you know, I know the book The Four Agreements, you know, be impeccable with your word. Always do your best. People's opinion of you is just their projection, you know, and don't take things personally. I broke two of the four agreements with myself. Now, does that mean I'm riddled? Does that mean I'm incapable of being in a relationship? No, what I have going for me is I have good communication skills. I have good relationship skills, but I'm still a rat. Human beings are flawed or foible, if you will. We're fallible. The difference is their dysfunctionality in relationship is, and this is the critical part you ladies need to understand.  They're winging it. They have no clue.  And you guys will accept the crumbs because we have this amazing chemistry with each other, Jonathan. I'm here to say dysfunctionality is accepting bad behavior from another human being. Habitually, dysfunctionality is having duct tape over your mouth. I use the term duct tape. So few of you actually advocate for yourself. Is this sinking in? By the way, I don't yell at clients. I'm actually, can I say something to you all? When I'm on the phone with a client, I'm very loving. I'm very cheerleader. I mean, sometimes I can be a little bit abrasive occasionally, but I'm a very loving coach. I just get to this part of my personality. By the way, folks, when I'm with my circle of friends, the people I love, I'm a teddy bear.  That's my mission in life. By the way, does anyone appreciate my style? If you say yes, Jonathan, could someone write that down? I appreciate your style. I'd really like to know that. Okay, Coach Amy is in the house. Besides online dating, how do women meet men like you who like to think and study, enjoy being at home with a partner and talk? Okay, folks, let's be clear. Online dating is where roughly 50, if not, 50% of people over 40 years old are meeting, okay? For my son's demographic, it's almost 80 to 90% they're meeting online. My son is, who is 27. So, and by the way, in the next, oh, now here's the thing you need to know. In the next 10 years, we are going to see an explosion. If, I mean, we're already seeing the explosion of people who are 50 and 60 years old who are going to be single. We are gonna be swimming in a sea of so many single people. There's gonna be a lot of single people and most of them we use online dating as a way to meet, okay? Now that doesn't mean you can't meet organically, but it just happens to be where most people are meeting these days. So, I think we need to be a good screener and that's what I teach in my coaching, okay? Rosa, do you think that Russell Brand allegations will make dating worse? The so-called matrix is after him, but he is just another scare for men, we're all effed. I don't know particularly what you're talking about. I am aware of who Russell Brand is, but I don't know the allegations that you're particularly speaking of. Can you find an article and post it in the comments so I can check it out? I would appreciate that. Okay. Elizabeth's in the house. What type of person mimics your body language in a negative way? I had a guy do this to me and couldn't wait to say goodbye. I don't mimics your body language. Can you give me a more specific example? I'm not really clear on what you're talking about here. So, thanks so much. Veronica says, how come you're single again? What happened? Veronica, if you're not familiar with this, my relationship with Marie did come to, we transitioned from a romantic living together relationship to, for lack of a better word, we're friends, but we will be friendly in each other's lives, but she came to the conclusion that she didn't want to live in California anymore and she wanted to move and she wanted to have a different lifestyle than the lifestyle that I was, that I had desired. So we were a mismatch in lifestyles. Our lifestyles, while temporarily seemed to blend together, it wasn't a long-term fit. Okay. So thanks for asking. Joy says, do you have a great sense of humor? I love it. I'm actually not funny outside of this YouTube channel. I don't know if I'm very funny. Okay. Bum, bum, bum.  I said the F word because he cusses LOL. Alexandra says, beautifully said, the rose color glasses allow us to fall in love. That is really a lovely visual. Thank you so much. Again, folks, rose color glasses. All right, let's keep going here. Joanne says, I needed to hear this, Jonathan. Okay. By the way, Mel says self-love and selfishness are two different things. Self-love is putting the oxygen mask on yourself first. Okay. That's what self-love is. Oxygen mask drops from the ceiling on an airplane. Selfishness is grabbing the other person's oxygen mask and putting it on yourself. That's selfishness, okay? Two adults sitting on an airplane and yours doesn't drop, but you, well, okay, I guess in a moment of survival, but two drop and you grab the other person's first, that selfishness. Self-love is putting the oxygen mask on yourself. Does anyone like that analogy? I just made that up on the fly. I kind of like that one. So, all right. Hilga, how do you date when you have ADHD? Seems like I'm fast of everything and I do stuff ADHD people do. Lot of red flags, lots of mistakes. Should I tell the first date I have ADHD? You know, I don't think you should say it on a first date. You know, I would think of how can you spin it in a positive? So, does anyone remember back 30, 40 years ago when you were job interviewing and one of the questions was asked was, tell me something negative about you and you would tell the potential employer, I have a habit of overworking. I have a habit of working way too hard. I don't make good balance in my life, okay? So, you took a negative and made it a real positive. So, what are the benefits of somebody being in relationship with ADD, come up with the benefits that it would benefit someone to be in relationship with the person at ADHD and then sell it that way? By the way, I just came up with that on the fly. I like that answer. Now, what would a benefit of dating someone with ADHD? They're not boring, you know? They're very much a squirrel, you know? Kind of could be annoying, but find the gift in it and sell it that way, okay? Helga, that would be my invitation for you. Susan says, there's no need to yell. Yeah, I know, but it's just my style. Let's keep going. Hey, Jill's in the house. Can you define the terms you mentioned like stonewalling? Okay, great. So, folks, I'd like everyone, someone write this down. John Gottman, the four horsemen of the apocalypse, the four horsemen of the apocalypse. John Gottman, G-O-T-T-M-A-N, the four horsemen of the apocalypse, okay? That is basically the four critical things that destroy a relationship. I wonder if the book, seven principles for making a marriage work. Seven principles for making a marriage work, link below. Let's see if it has it in here. I'll recite it to you anyway, but let's, I can't see it right now. Okay, four horsemen of the apocalypse. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Can someone write that down? I'll repeat it one more time. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. Stonewalling is basically, let's say your partner's mad at you, but you don't express what's going on. You keep to yourself. You keep yourself for days on end or your partner wants to talk to you about something critical and you avoid the deeper conversations. That is an illustration of stonewalling. So just remember, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, four horsemen of the apocalypse, John Gottman. Aaron wants to let us know, and thank you, Jill, for that one, big hugs to you. Dr. Stan interview was very illuminating. I was really happy to have him in the house. That was a big name for me. So I was kind of excited about that. Joanne says, dating was not what it was 40 years ago. So folks, let's have a little education lesson here today. Let's go back 200,000 years ago. Neanderthals, 200,000 years ago. What kind of dating happened 200,000 years ago when people lived in small tribes, maybe 20 or 30? The oldest person in the tribe was 30 years old, yet basically a lot of teenagers and young adults. What was the dating like then? A woman went to go wash her feet at the river.  And nine months later, there was a baby. That was the effectiveness of dating. Okay, and I'm giving you a crude visual. Now let's move 190,000 years in the future. Let's go back 10,000 years ago. Mesopotamia, I'm trying to think of the Sumerians, Asia, that part of the world. What was dating back then? There was no dating. You basically still women were treated as property. Women were treated as property for almost another 9,900 years, for the most part. Okay, dating is a new phenomena because it used to be, if you wanted to get laid, you had to get married. Dating is a new phenomena. It's a new technology. Dating is the opportunity to basically get the cake without buying it, to get the milk without buying it. That's what dating is. It's a very dysfunctional way of getting to know another human being because today we have sex before trust is built between two people. Think about it, we humans have sex well before real trust is built, but the problem is the minute we're physically intimate with someone, we can become attached. We take red flags and paint them green. We wear rose color glasses because when we're feeling a chemical reaction with another human being, we'll make incredibly bad choices. And think about it, if people were so good at it, why do we have a 50% divorce rate for first marriages? Why do we, most people on second and third marriages end at a 65 to 70% rate because they are ambivalently connecting with other human beings mostly based on attraction. Coming back to the relationship iceberg, it's mostly focused on attraction. And the hard part is, is when you do see the red flags that really are deal breakers, we double down because we have this fantasy that magic fairy dust will solve incompatibility. That love, the biggest myth of all is love will equal relationship success. That is the delusion most everybody has been suckling on the nipple of. And what's worse, coming back to wounded people, most humans are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. Truly self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance, self-love. Very few people truly tap into their individual power. And that is I don't need someone else for my happiness but I certainly wanna share the happy life I already have with someone else and then finding someone compatible. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Hit that like button, let me know. Jennifer says, we are all flawed.   We're living in a delusion. Life is work, inner work particularly. Cindy David, who first names? Jonathan, you're a great guy. We are all fallible and the hat caterer don't let them rob you of your joy. Yeah, they did rob me of my joy, but I let it happen. Means I'm just human. Aaron says, I love the yelling it's coming from. I'd like to think it comes from a good place. Thank you so much, Aaron. Okay, one of our Facebook members. Hey, if you wanna connect with me directly, have connect with me on a regular basis. There's a link below to my group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. The link, second link below in the description is Midlife Love Mastery. Alexandra says, I appreciate your style. So does Karen, thank you so much. Kathy says, you are real. You know what, folks? I listened to some of my contemporaries. You know, most of them mean well. You know, I get really down on myself because am I a realist or am I a pessimist?  It feels almost like an Eeyore to point out. The fact is, is the likelihood for success for a really, truly happy relationship is actually rare. It's rare that people are in a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. The norm is dysfunctionality. The norm is divorce. The norm is traumatic. That's the norm. I just draw attention to it because I don't want you to, it's like, look at this. I want you to think about dating like a minefield. You just got, you're at a baseball field, right? And you're at home plate. And when you walk in any direction, you might hit a minefield. I just want to point out the minefields in front of you so you can walk around them. But if you're not aware of the minefields, if you're cavalierly, you know, just approaching it like, oh, it's okay, you know, I'll just keep doing it and keep doing it and keep doing it and not learning from the experience, then what's the value? It's my two cents anyway. Live, learn and grow says, baby, I appreciate you. Thank you. Let's keep going. Ah, Kim is in the house. What is she saying? Is it fair to expect the man to immediately change to meet my needs? How long should I give him to comply? Well, I guess it really depends on your need. You know, what needs do you have? If you have a need for reciprocity, that's not something you should compromise very early on. If you have a need for, you know, healthy communication, that's not something you should compromise. You know, do you have a need for consistency? That's not something you should compromise. Do you have a need for generosity or kindness? That's not something you compromise. Do you have a need to be appreciated? That's not something you should compromise. These should be things that are progressing early on. By the way, I have something called the 10-date rule, folks, the 10-date rule. So first, second and third date is basically do we like each other? Do we like each other? That's really the basis of the first, second or third date. And that should all happen within three weeks, give or take. No more than three weeks to have three dates, okay? Between the fourth and seventh date is our, you know, ask some of those deeper serious questions. Are we compatible with one another? So you don't invest too long in a person. That should all happen within a week or two later. Within six weeks, you should know whether or not you're progressing into something serious and somewhere between the seventh and 10th date is probably when you're gonna get, have sex.  But I'm telling you, if you get to a 10th date and you've been physical by then, I'm roughly speaking that takes about a month. You know, Lewis Howes just recently got engaged. Is anyone like the School of Greatness? I was watching, he just got engaged and he openly admits he was very radically honest right from the get go. And they waited 30 days before they were physically intimate with one another. I have a great deal of respect for that. They probably saw each other seven or 10 times which fits into my seven 10 date narrative. But you should know within 10 dates if you're going to progress something forward, you know, and usually, by the way, very few people make it past the first date, okay? Or second date, okay? By the way, only 10% of first dates are ever going to turn into 10 dates. And it's probably even less than that percentage. It's probably 5% of first dates will ever make it to a 10th date. Just keep that in mind. Ah, all right, let's keep going. Jill wants to let me know great ADD answer. I kind of liked that one too. That just came on the fly. Ah, bump, bump, bump. Sylvia says, there's a person who dated someone with AD, under ADHD, it destroyed our relationship. It's important that they find an ADHD coach, possibly change their diet and lifestyle to reduce immanent symptoms. Very good one to add that. I know people with ADD can be hyper focused. That's a, you know, they can multitask very well. Some can't, some can't. You know, there's a real benefit and a blessing and a curse. Oh, by the way, Alexandra wants to let me know it's passion not yelling. Thank you so much. Oh, McCoy, okay, remember I said earlier John Gottman, four horsemen of the apocalypse. Okay. Ah, bump, bump, bump. And RD says, criticism, content, defensiveness and stonewalling or silent treatment. Yes. Thank you for putting that down. I appreciate that. Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Let's keep going here. I'm just looking for, does anyone want to join the hot seat before I wrap up tonight? I'm going to be coming to a close soon. Let's keep going. I don't see any questions. Realistic pessimist. Georgia girls, realism and pessimism are not mutually exclusive. Guys, I really, I feel like such a downer sometimes. I don't like it.  I think when you approach the process with a lot more knowledge, it is more optimistic.  Elizabeth says, Jonathan hit the nail on the head when he said he's a pessimist, but I then got it right when he said, state is truth. He's a realist. I'm actually beginning to wonder if I tend towards realism. I don't know. I don't like it. I'd rather be, but I don't want to be a Pollyanna to you guys.  I think so many people are selling you a narrative that's just, you know, a false narrative. I just, I call it the way I see it. Am I right? I think most of the time I am, but you know, I could be wrong. Okay, Kristen, take this as our last question of the evening. I've been dating for six months. He hasn't introduced me to the kids. I wanted to see him and then this week and he pulled back and now I think I'm a secret. Is he going to end the, or commit?   Six months is plenty enough time to know whether or not he wants to do something serious.   Ah, Susan says I have a need to be submissive. Submissive can be taken advantage of. I prefer empowerment, ladies. I am not an advocate of you must comply or submit to your man.  I'm just, that's my belief system because you better trust that guy implicitly, implicitly. And given we have a failure rate of 75% of all relationships in the over 50 category or second relationships or third relationship, you're putting a lot of faith in a fallible human being. So, I think that's a good thing to do. I'm a fallible human being. So, all right, Anne, are you still there? I am. But we lost you. Oh, there you are. There you are. All right, you're gonna be our last person of the evening. Okay. I just discovered you probably sometime this week, watched a bunch of your videos for all day while I was working at home. Okay. And you're just really interesting and come up with great points. I just recently broke up with a guy I dated for nine years. Oh, okay. Why'd you break up with him? Well, it was probably my fault I let it go on so long. He was not a bad person, but what I wanted from the relationship wasn't ever going to happen. And it took me that long to just kind of realize that that's the way it was gonna be. You know what's interesting? I've interviewed women who have ended a relationship and they almost all say the same thing. I knew very early on something was off, but I went against my better judgment. Absolutely. And, but you know- Yeah, we humans are rather, we paint red flags green. We wear rose-colored glasses. Absolutely. But you know what? One year is, okay, here's the thing. One year, you know, no harm, no foul. Nine years? Yeah, I'm a slow learner. I hope you had a lot of fun during that time. Well, you know, I tried a couple of times to break up for the same reason, but I just kept convincing myself that I could live with it if it didn't become what I wanted it. Like I just convinced myself that that was gonna be okay for me because he never said it was gonna change. Wasn't him trying to make me think something different. You know, it was me convincing myself because of the good points of him. You know, but all right, so is this unconditional love? You know, do we paint red flags green because unconditional love says we have to put up with, you know, we have to compromise? Absolutely. You know, here's the thing. No, listen, I'll take Monica from friends. You know, she's OCD, okay?  I think the Gottman say that if 80% of it's good and that 20% is just foibles, then live with it. But if it's about character related stuff, if it's about commitment, then those are things you should never, ever, ever compromise on. So what's your question for our group? Let's give everybody something good to work on. Let me do my magic. Well, basically for the group, you know, how do you, like I heard you talk about the websites before, like there's just, I want something more genuine, more organic, and it just, it seems like so much, I mean, not that I don't wanna put in the work, I met this person from Match. Match, and the reason I... Come back to your question. Don't go up on a tangent. What's your question? I wanna know like how more organically, like what do you have to do? All right, let me be blunt here. Nobody can ask you out unless they visually see you, okay? Now, going to a grocery store doesn't count. Most men don't walk up to a stranger at a grocery store, okay? Most men don't walk up to a stranger at a coffee shop. It's very rare. It's actually kind of cringe almost these days to do that, okay? And we don't do it because we don't know if you're married or something's good. We don't know what's going on in your life. So unless you're surrounding yourself with other people, you have to be seen, okay? But it's not the random seeing.  So if all you do is go to yoga studios with 12 other women, you gotta be where men are at. Right, yeah, and that's, you know, I usually get a lot of attention, but it's never by the people I want the attention from. Well, okay, but you also have to be interacting with people. Well, wait, wait, wait, wait. You said you get a lot of attention. Where do you physically get a lot of attention? I'm just kind of curious. Well, most recently, I actually just went to a restaurant just to eat by myself close to home. Yeah. Actually, the chef came out and was talking to me and was just like, just gave me free dessert and was just talking to me the whole time. Okay. I thought, you know, he actually was somebody I may be interested in. Didn't ever- So what happened? But you just literally said the opposite. Right, right. So you contradict yourself. But he didn't have a ring on. So I went, because I'm thinking, okay, things are changing because most of the time it's somebody I'm not interested in. Okay.  So I went there another evening with a friend of mine. Yeah. I ended up finding long story short that he was married. Okay. So he was just doing his job as a restaurateur to convince people to come back. I guess, I guess, but- Well, that doesn't count. Right. But you have to be physically interacting with people. So I don't know your lifestyle. I don't know where you live. I don't know what you do. But you know, I'm making a conscious effort now that I'm technically back on the market. I am physically going out to places where people are at. Not, I don't mean drinking, but I'm connecting with people and saying, introduce me to someone. Meet me, you know, introduce me to people that are like-minded people. So I can engage in conversation, not for a date, just to connect with people because the more people you connect with, the chances for success are greater. But you have to put yourself in environments. Otherwise, online dating. You there? Well, but I mean, I just got done, I entered a play and I was met a lot of new people and I- There you go. And so, you know, I'm working on it, but I've been divorced for 18 years and I didn't think it would be that long. But- Nobody does. That's the fantasy everyone's based with. By the way, Elizabeth says, I'm not best at being sociable. Well, guess what? Elizabeth, learn. Because guess what? It's rare that a man is gonna walk up to a person who's not sociable and change their personality. I'm speaking to Elizabeth. So you gotta make effort. So, A for effort. And let's, Jill Collins said, A for effort, putting yourself out there. Keep going.  Yeah. We're always working on it. Okay.  Much. Thank you. All right. Thank you. Have a great night. All right. You too. All right. See, Jill Collins says, A for effort to, for putting yourself out there. He was married, so it's just next. Not a bad thing. Exactly. Well said. All right. Let's see. So how do you become more sociable is the question Elizabeth asks. You know what? First start with group, spending time with people and engaging in conversation. You know, folks, after COVID, people have isolated themselves, but that's just the reason why the single population is growing because of isolation. It requires making effort, putting yourself out there. Like for example, maybe joining a travel group, maybe joining a dance group, be around people, practice communicating with strangers. You know what my son did once? We live in Redondo Pier and he put out a sign. He brought two beach chairs, put one, he sat in one beach chair and the other beach chair said, Does anyone need to talk? I'm here to listen. And he did that for a half a day. You know, God, where's Colin?   You know what? He makes up things to do. He put a sign out and said, Does anyone need to talk? I'm here to listen. Isn't that a sweet thing to do? I think so. It's all you gotta do is to engage. First, put yourself out there. Be open, be receptive. Put a smile on your face. Think of all the things you're grateful for. By the way, folks, here's your assignment. And by the way, no one gave me any money for the Connor Asley scholarship fund. I'm mad at you guys. I wanted to collect $50, but no one had the nerve. But here's your homework assignment. I want you to write down a hundred things you're grateful for. A hundred things you're grateful for. Hmm. I'm grateful for the opportunity to speak to you all. I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my son. I'm grateful that he has a really wonderful mother. I'm grateful for the friends I have in my life.  You know, I'm so grateful for so many different things. I invite you all to list a hundred things you're grateful for and immerse yourself in gratitude. Because yeah, I can be the pessimist or the realist, but the people who get what they want, those are people who are grateful in their life.  So that's what, and that and amongst other things. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you found value in this conversation, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do.  I'm gonna reach into the camera and yes, those are pit stains and give you a big hug of love. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Anne and Susan and Cosmic and Sherry and McCoy and Jill and Joyce and Swella and Mel and Papa Rose and Sherry and Sarah and Gigolo and everybody folks have a fab evening. Be well, bye now.


I'm Rusty Komori and this is Beyond the Lines on Think Tech, Hawaii. I was the head coach of the Punahou Boys varsity tennis team for 22 years and we were fortunate to win 22 consecutive state championships. This show is based on my books Beyond the Lines and Beyond the Game and it's about leadership, character, and creating a superior culture of excellence. My special guest today is the highly respected head coach of the Kahuku football team. He is Coach Sterling Carvalho and today we are going Beyond State Championships. Hey Coach Sterling, welcome to Beyond the Lines. Aloha Rusty coach, thank you for having me on this show. It's a privilege to be here and obviously it's a privilege to even be talking with you and had a conversation prior. Your resume speaks for itself and all us coaches we wish we could have 22 consecutive state titles so it's great to be on this show and it's great to know you as a coach. Well Coach Sterling, it's my privilege and honor to really know you and you've been creating such an incredible culture of excellence with your team but before we talk about that can you share about where you grew up at and what schools you attended? Well I grew up on the island of Kauai, born and raised on that island, attended Kauai High School. I'm a red raider so literally I can say I'm a red raider for life currently. After I graduated high school I came to BYU Hawaii out here on the north shore of Oahu but during that time I also took a two-year break and I served a mission for my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So I went to upstate New York primarily in the cities of Buffalo, Rochester, Niagara, Calmyra and I was able to learn the language of Spanish. I spoke Spanish for a couple of years, taught the gospel for two years in a Spanish language so like I said I'm very fortunate to have gained a second language and then I returned back from my mission and graduated with my bachelor's of science in math education at Pringam Young University of Kauai and then I went on to the University of Kauai at Manoa and got my master's in education administration for higher education. After that I also got a continued on and got more studies to help me in my education and so I'm just grateful that I was able to have the means and the desire and the health and strength to further my education and continue in that course. Wow, that's great to hear and coach what kind of various coaching jobs did you have before becoming head coach at Kahuku? Well, on my last year of my bachelor's I did my student teaching at Wailua High School under Dennis Katayama so when I was done teaching and graduated he moved to become the registrar and so the school really liked me when I was doing my internship there and this is you know Sterling this job is yours you want to step right in and I was grateful like great I'll do it I don't have to go through the whole interview process I love it out on the North Shore I love Wailua because it reminded me of of Kauai right a plantation type of community hardworking folks humble students so I started there and when I started teaching Chico Capello was the head coach of Wailua at that time so he brought me on as a defensive coordinator so I actually started on a defensive side of the ball and then he retired so I was very fortunate to also coach under Lincoln Barrett so Lincoln Barrett there at Wailua and I became a offensive coordinator there as well so I was there for about five years at Wailua High School as an offensive and a defensive coordinator and that was probably one of the best things that that ever happened to me because we lost more than we won and you had to be creative you didn't have the numbers um you had a lot of raw players at that time so it helped me become a creative player thinking more than just the X's and O's and and helping players within that community not only succeeding football but in school and and their personal life so I was very fortunate to start at Wailua then in 2006 coach Reggie Torres became the head coach at Kahuku High School and so he brought me on board at that time to first be a running backscope and then doing that same year became the running backscopes the offensive coordinator had a new job at OCCC now the head coach at Campbell Darren Johnson so I was a co-offensive coordinator with coach Reggie at that time and ever since that became the offensive coordinator for Kahuku all the way up to 2013 um no 2015 then I became the JV head coach at that time because I was going to be done with with um football and just coach golf at Kahuku but one week prior to the start of the season at that time the JV staff you know walked away and so my athletic director called me and she said Sterling I need you to put a staff together in a week and be ready for the first game and so I was very fortunate that a lot of people here want to coach football here at Kahuku so I put together a staff and for the next three years we were very successful at the JV level and then finally you know the job opened up at Kahuku to be the varsity head coach I applied the reason why I applied is it's always about the players you know I had those players who I coached doing a JV so it's an easy transition and at that time there's a lot of turnover rate of coaches coming in for a year or two and then leaving so I just wanted stability not just for our players but for our community and so I've been the head coach ever since going on to my fourth year um some people say the fifth year but I don't count the COVID year so moving on to my fourth year coaching here at Kahuku well it's amazing hearing your journey to where you are now and the impact that you're making not just on the players but on the community and coach Sterling how would you describe your coaching style well I'm uh I like to say I'm a really hands-on coach and I live with the players I run with the players um if I need them to show them a pattern I'll get out there and run it because I I really if I demand a lot from my players I demand a lot from myself not just coaching them and yelling but also showing them and and just rolling up my sleeves and getting dirty with them so I'm a very hands-on type of coach and and I like to lead by example no I love hearing that too and you've definitely created a culture of excellence I mean I would say a superior culture of excellence with your Kahuku team and can you tell me about what that culture looks like well when I became the head coach I I built my program on three pillars right education character and football because Rusty coach you know as a high school coach the first thing a lot of these college coaches come in and ask about a certain player is how is their education what's their grade point average so I needed to make sure my students and players understood that that education is actually first and foremost for you to be successful in the next level so I really make sure that education is a big part of our program and then the character second thing a lot of college coaches ask is how's the character of this player is he a team player right so I want to make sure that our players are successful not just on the field but off the field you know by default their mentors here at Kahuku their idols when when we go to camps and a lot of these people ask oh who's your favorite player a lot of kids from our community they don't talk about NFL players or college players they say oh the karkar kai kai corvalio right they say the Afunga Wailies but it's the all our Kahuku players before so we want to make sure my standard is built upon that education and character and obviously football it comes naturally to a lot of our players here on our team so that is how my pillars and my program is run I love hearing your pillars coach and you've obviously had had a lot of success already I mean winning state championships now why why are you a successful coach well I'm a successful coach because I'm very fortunate to have great athletes parents and a community right um a lot of people think that we have big mean boys right players but they're actually great listeners they're actually great sons they actually are great brothers and so when we tell them to do something it's yes coach right and when we ask the parents things they say yes coach so they trust the process so I'm very fortunate to be successful because whatever I demand of my players they're respectful in a way in which everything is yes coach I'll do that and case in point my quarterback last year I mean we really changed the culture of huku football not just from a primarily dominant running team but now to be a passing team in which we can take advantage of what defensive gives us and every time I got on to my quarterback he says coach I got you coach I got you and that's why I'm so successful because I have players that are respectful to that degree coach I got you and that's jason maratharangi who was one of my captain's last years of quarterback I love hearing that I love hearing your insights coach sterling in I want to ask you about this I I know that when you guys play a lot of games and you have the game under control you'll put in your second string and your third string and the other coach knows what you're doing and but you know sometimes the public might only see the final score and let's say the final score is 76 to 7 and they're thinking whoa how come this team is just blowing out running up the score but it's not the case right yeah exactly I mean coach he just put it there you know we we beat bar into last year 75 to 6 and and actually some of my starters only played the first quarter a lot of people don't realize is my second and third they go against the ones every single day they go against the best defense they compete against the best offense so when it's their turn to play they're just doing what they've been practicing to go against the best and executing at the highest level you know we we always have this that iron sharpens iron so when they have their chance they go out there and they execute just as much as our starters do so it's very unfortunate I mean last year I talked to both coach Sanchez and coach at Lelehua and at halftime I says coach I'm not trying to run up the score I respect you I respect you coach Mark at Lelehua your programs all that you stand for and trust me I'm not trying to run up the score I cannot go any deeper into my bench but my players will just continue to play hard and you know I met coach Mark at the start of our OIA meeting this year and the first thing he did is shake my hand and says coach I appreciate you for your humility and and things like that I never try to insult or disrespect any coaching anyway or any program or any player but I just want to make sure that my players are prepared weekend and week out from the top to the bottom we treat every player with respect on our program and we coach every player like they're the starter and so when it's their opportunity to play they perform and and that's all we can ask of them yeah and I want people to really understand this because like even for me as a coach I I'm training my players to play their hardest and toughest from the first point all the way to match point I want their switch to stay on where they're giving a hundred percent effort all the time not not a switch that you turn off and on and so that's how we're trying to train our players and your guys I mean if your first string is only playing one quarter I mean they're they're practicing so much they want to play in the games but when that second string comes in they're practicing just as much as a first string and so is the third string and when they get in they that's their time to play and they want to score right exactly you know we we coach our players to play to their potential right regardless of who we are playing whether we're playing Farrington or St. Louis or Mililani or Wynine we always tell our boys to play to their potential and so as we ingrain that within their minds and they compete weekend and week out practice weekend and week out when it comes game time they're doing that you're playing to the best of their abilities yeah and you know for me too coach I just want to add this that oftentimes when we would play smaller schools I'm playing my weakest lineup against them and the other coaches are you know thanking me for that and like how the coaches are thanking you for putting in your second and third string players but you know we know that a high tide raises all boats I mean we want to make sure that our teams can be the best that they can be so that potentially we can compete against the national teams right exactly and and you know coach that's why this year we're very fortunate to be playing national powerhouses in St. John Bosco who came out as the preseason number one team in the nation and also St. Francis from Maryland that there came in at preseason number three so we want to make sure that we're not just playing to the best of our abilities but also playing the best that is out there and so as a public school we don't have the luxury of oh we're losing these players let's go and recruit these others we're we just have who we have year in and year out and right now like you said coach we're at that high tide our potential of our players it is the all-time high so we have to take advantage of this team to see where we stack up against the nation's best in St. John Bosco and St. Francis. Well coach Sterling I really enjoyed meeting with you last week and you have both of my books and Ryan Tanaka the owner of Giovanni Pastrami Restaurant in Waikiki he's going to be doing a book donation to your entire team next week and I want to know what what are some things that stood out to you in the books? You know coach as you know we're in this profession not because of the money especially at the high school level we're here because we love the sports but most importantly we love the student athletes that we coach and so one thing that really stood out in my mind is like how you mentioned like a boss cares only about the work but a leader cares about the people and you know as as head coaches yes by default we are the leaders of that team and my perspective is and always will be about our players the people and you know that that's what I thought of and that's why I applied for the job not because I want to be the famous kukuku head coach but because I want to be there for the players on and off the field whether they need a meal whether they need tutoring in math or in Spanish I just want to be there for them and so that's why I loved about your analogy on that and your statement that I'm not I'm not a boss I'm a leader and I'm a leader for my student athlete I'm glad you brought that up and you also like that snoopy quote in there right yeah exactly you know about winning until you lose right no one cares about winning until you lose so I really like that that you had that on your wall I actually googled that and screenshot it and that's one thing I'm going to be sharing with my team because you know we out here training hard we've been training almost year round our players right and if people tell you that it doesn't matter winning or losing you know how I think twice especially to our players that it does matter yeah no the snoopy quote right it doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose and that's so true because you and I I mean I think for us winning is fine but I think you and I really just hate losing and if we win it's like oh yeah we won but we just hate losing is that true with you too yeah I just hate losing because I feel like if we lose I myself take it personally I didn't prepare my players I put them in a situation in which they failed and and that's one why I hate losing because I hate to see my players fail or feel like they failed that they let me down as a culture let their family down as sons and so it's not just losing but it's it's seeing them go to that and as much as I don't like it I don't like putting them in that position so that's why losing you know I hate you know I don't like it gone that that's why you're a great coach like you said you're thinking gosh maybe I should have prepared better maybe I should have done this more maybe we should have done this less or whatever the case is and you're just taking full responsibility and that's what the greatest leaders do and coach sterling I want to ask you in terms of team bonding what kind of activities do you guys do off field well coach for my program I always make sure that we have at least a service project once a month and any people say wow coach but you have a game every single week I make time for them to serve the community um to get out there because you know within my my religion you know as a bishop of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints site when you're in a service to your fellow man you're in a service of your God and so it allows them to think more about others rather than themselves and so to build that team bonding to build that oneness and appreciation for everything that they have we go out and serve at least once a month I like that you're making time to do that I mean everybody has time so many people say that they're so busy but you know busy is relative I mean I know a lot of busy people that that are very productive so I like that you're you're making time to do that with your team and I want to ask you about this coach sterling I always say that performance goals directly influence results what kind of performance goals do you focus on with your team well with our team our performance goals coach is you know first and foremost is is staying disciplined which is minimizing our penalties because that is something that we can control right going off sides watching the ball staying on count listening to the cadence so that's one of the biggest performance goals because it's something that we have control over right and you know defensively we always reaching a shutout offensively we look into score seven touchdowns we want to make sure that like I said earlier we're playing to our potential and that is our potential to take care of the things that we can and execute and perform the things that we have been doing in practice I'm glad you said that because yes it's a huge thing to only focus on things that are within our control and not really worry about things beyond our control and you brought up self-discipline I always think that self-discipline is probably the biggest key because self-discipline leads to habits which leads to success and I always would tell my players that self-discipline is doing the right thing regardless of how you feel whether you feel like it or not doing the right thing all the time do you agree with that I totally agree with that coach it's exactly what we preach as well you know consistently being able to do the right thing and and one of the things I tell my players is anybody can come in and play Friday night or they can come to one of our practice lift and run but can they do it consistently to the duration of the season are they willing to get up at seven in the morning on a Saturday and come out and work out are they willing to stay three hours with filming lifting and practice weekend and week out are they able to wake up in the morning and go to your early morning seminaries go to school and do your whole day that's full right so self-discipline also requires consistency to make sure you're not just a superior I mean a great team but a superior team as you mentioned in your book right the superior culture you want to be able to get to yeah I always say there's a big difference between a culture of excellence and a superior culture of excellence in and that's what you're about that's what I love about you coach sterling and I want to ask you what's what's a big challenge that you're dealing with as coach you know a big challenge is the the parents the community at times that you know we know we have a great team right unfortunately only 11 can play at a time right but every every player and every parent wants their you know son to be playing and so that's a challenge in which my coaches and I we are aware of and as much as possible we want everyone to get into the game everyone to perform to their best and so the challenge is trying to get everyone equal amount of sharing time and getting filmed getting recognized because everybody is putting into work every single day so we want to make sure that we're able to reward them for the hard work you know that's that's uh I'm glad you brought that up and for me I wouldn't just coach my players I would actually be coaching my players parents as well so that they know what we're doing and I would also tell tell the parents that I'm not going to protect your child from a challenge I'm going to teach them how to face it and I need you to help reinforce uh what we're working on to really help your child deal with not just tennis and the competition but really about life's challenges what are your thoughts about that I totally agree coach you know the other year unfortunately we had three coaches on my staff passed away right so that that was a real challenge um for us as a team a challenge that didn't happen on the football field but a challenge that happened off the football field so helping our players understand that there is more to life than just football and exactly how you say we're not protecting them from life and its challenges because it will come and a lot of our coaches who passed away were father figures to a lot of my players and so being able to see the perspective of life outside of football helped us to get closer last year and that was one of the biggest reasons for our success is the chemistry and the closeness of our teams in pulling together to these adversities and tragedies these adversities and tragedies brought us closer together and because of that we were more successful if you look at our OIA championship game last year within three plays we're down 14 nothing to Mililani on a wet cold night at Lele Hoa High School the good thing about that coach is none of my players nor my coaches started to complain or bicker or point the finger rather defensive players was coming over and says coach whatever you need us to do an often my defensive coaches offensive coaches were in communication in what they seen and how we can attack certain things and eventually we came back and had 21 unanswered points and ended up winning the game and won the OIA championship but that's what we want to do is build the character of our players so that when adversity does happen we're not pointing the fingers but rather looking within ourselves and saying what can we do to help what can we do to make the situation better and that was one of the biggest things that happened to us last year and brought our success now and I like that you said that and it's about your mindset I mean you're coaching your players and and your assistant coaches are coaching them to have the right mindset and to choose the better choices like staying positive and really maybe just focusing on the next play right and coach I want to ask you one more thing before we wrap up what gives you fulfillment well coach to be honest it's my wife and my family I'm only as successful because of my wife who does everything that everyone doesn't see right they see me coaching they see me within the community but they don't realize is my wife back home is taking care of our three daughters right taking care of the house taking care of the bills and everything else that comes in running a family I'm successful because I'm able to have a peace of mind that everything else back home is taking care of because of my wife and the support that she gives so my fulfillment comes from my family right my family my mom my my brothers and my sisters and their support and so once I know that I have their support and they allow me to do what I do I can be able to focus and do the things that I do even better well I'm glad you said that I mean they go I mean they're behind the scenes and and it's so important for them to do what they do to allow you to do what you do in terms of your coaching and and coach sterling I really want to thank you for taking time to be on the show today I mean I I want our entire state of Hawaii to be proud of you and your entire Kahuku football team well thank you coach for having me here I'm just like I said very grateful to be surrounded by great coaches on my staff and I appreciate their hard work because they work individually with our players every day and collectively as a staff we're able to put together a championship team and I'm also grateful for the families who trust us with their players to allow us to do service within the community to teach them the correct principles on and off the field and also just shout out to my players I'm grateful that they're very respectful and great young men and so I'm very fortunate coach like I said to have me on this show and be able to talk about our program I appreciate it thanks coach sterling and thank you for watching Beyond the Lines on Think Tech Hawaii for more information please visit RustyKamori.com and my books are available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble I hope that coach sterling and I will inspire you to create your own superior culture of excellence and to find your greatness and help others find theirs aloha thank you so much for watching Think Tech Hawaii if you like what we do please like us and click the subscribe button on YouTube and the follow button on Vimeo you can also follow us on Facebook Instagram Twitter and LinkedIn and donate to us at ThinkTechHawaii.com Mahalo


Welcome! My name is Ilya van Beest. I'm the academic director of our program. Thank you for watching. During this time I will explain you something about our program and the requirements for participating. The Social Psychology Master is a one-year program. We cater for about 70 students and these 70 students are from the Netherlands, from Germany, from Greece, from many countries. I think we also have some people from Indonesia, we have some people from Romania and so we have a vibrant I think rather international community. The language of our program is English, all the courses are taught in English, all the exams are in English and the writing of your thesis will be in English. We offer an English program. In the economic psychology track we focus a little bit more on a specific kind of human behavior and that is consumer behavior or economic behavior, the behavior that is associated with money. This is the track where we teach you something about marketing and we teach you something about economics in general and may be relevant to know that it is a kind of like unique track in the Netherlands because we have the ability to work together here with the economic department across the whole here. The work and organizational track focus also on a specific type of human behavior. That focuses on work behavior. So what are the things that happen at work? Important at the work is of course that you become, that you remain healthy. Also important is how do you associate or differentiate yourself with coworkers. For example, who is your boss? What is leadership? How do you work in teams? All these type of topics are things that will be considered in this specific track. In addition to these specific routes there are also some general aspects of our master. All of you regardless of the track will join in the same classroom when you have the individual research proposal. This is one of the core courses in our curriculum. It's in the first half year and during that half year you will be assigned an advisor and this advisor will help you in writing your thesis. You will need to come up with a topic or a topic that is dear to you and then your advisor will help you finalize that in a research proposal that then can be executed. It's important to realize that the research needs to be quantitative. That is you have to complete the entire empirical cycle. You will need to collect data. You will need to do an SPSS analysis. You will need to write this up and that will be completed in a thesis that has the form of an APA journal article. Your thesis advisor will also help you find an internship. That is you will need to find the internship and the advisor will tell you whether it's okay or appropriate. If you're unable to find an internship we do offer the opportunity that you can do an in-depth course. Of course most of our students will do the internship because it will help them in their pursuing a vocational career.


I am at the honour of being your brave commander for the 30th anniversary of the National Police Remembrance Day. It seems a lot to me to actually come here and celebrate this day as a celebration to remember those people who have actually given their life to help protect us. It brings police together as well as families and the entire community and honour the full part of the conference.


Hi, I'm Genevieve Carpio, an assistant professor of Chicana and Chicano Studies at UCLA and an alumna class of 2007. My academic focus is interdisciplinary Chicana and Chicano studies, specifically how space changes over time. Chicana and Chicano Studies 10A is an introductory survey to the broad history and culture of Chicana and Chicano people. As a former recipient of the Affordable Course Materials Initiative, I partnered with the UCLA library in order to create affordable means for students to afford books, online access to articles. It's our mission to make scholarly resources available to all students. Open Access is making the world a better place by breaking down barriers to knowledge so all people have access to the resources that allow them to answer the questions that are important to them. Open UCLA, leading the way.