The problem with sex it was always sort of this random thing that we just sort of hopefully I'll figure it out one day I don't really understand it I don't want to talk about it I shame about it I'm not really sure when it's good and when it's bad and when I'm in the mood and when I'm not the mood so it's sort of this mysterious thing that we're also to figure out but now that we try to realize it's actually really into grow part of overall health and wellness like if you are not sexually well like let's say you don't feel great in your body you're not communicating about sex in a healthy way you don't take care of yourself you're having erection challenges orgasm challenges it's gonna impact your entire life I can give you tips all day like if you have an orgasm but I can say use this vibrator use this lube try this sex position and that's all fine and good and that that will work temporarily but here's the thing it's like people don't realize that all these things are connected like if you don't get great sleep if you don't eat healthy if you're not if you haven't worked on trauma or gone to therapy that's gonna impact your ability to have an erection maybe your hands are down your pants and your parents are like take your happy pants that's dirty it's wrong don't do that why are you doing that maybe your parents walk in and you your first connection to sex and to your body is that it's shameful and wrong but like I'm here to tell you and it's because people don't tell people they said it's great to master it whether you're in a relationship or out of a relationship it's part of connecting to your body and be help okay so you here is talking to Emily Morse she's amazing she's a doctor of human sexuality and she hosts the number one sexuality podcast sex with Emily in fact it's been on air for over two decades we love her she's hilarious and great and very smart and she just authored a book that's gonna be coming out soon in fact you can get it on pre-order it's called smart sex how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure so we know you're gonna love this episode we also have some programs on sale right now but before I tell you about those here's the giveaway maps anabolic here's how you can win leave a comment below this video in the first 24 hours that we drop it subscribe to this channel and turn on notifications if you win we'll let you know in the comment section all right here's the sale maps prime maps prime pro in the prime bundle all 50% off if you're interested just click on the link at the top of the description below all right back to the show Dr. Emily thank you for coming back on the show I'm so excited to be here with you guys we were talking four years it's been a while here's what's happened since a lot we've had a lot of sex and I know it sounds like it lots of productive sex yes very productive wow it's about time yeah before we turn the mics on you made a comment I want to go back to you said how the health and wellness space has kind of adopted more so sex as a part of health which I think is a very good thing I think it's a very very important part of human behavior and health and let's talk about that for a second why is sexual health so important why such a good thing that sexual health is now being is now a part of this wellness kind of health movement I'm so grateful for this because the problem with sex it was always sort of this and this is still how people think about sex and it's sort of this random thing that we just sort of hopefully I'll figure it out one day I don't really understand it I don't want to talk about it I shame about it I'm not really sure when it's good and when it's bad and when I'm in the mood and when I'm not the mood so it's sort of this mysterious thing that we're also to figure out but now that we try to realize it's actually a really integral part of overall health and wellness like if you are not sexually well like let's say you don't feel great in your body you're not communicating about sex in a healthy way you don't take care of yourself you're having erection challenges orgasm challenges it's gonna impact your entire life so now to kind of say okay we understand that sexual health is overall health is just a really it was a really beautiful thing so it means that we have to have conversations now about it in real way is it safe to say that oftentimes issues with sexual health the reason why it's such it's so important is that it's this great like canary in the coal mine type thing like okay so I have orgasm issues but that may be related to something a little bit deeper or erect erectile issues or I have shame around sex so by looking at sexual health I'm able to kind of identify or look at deeper things and if I don't then I can't necessarily look at those things yeah exactly that's exactly it and that's what I just wrote this book about so I was writing this book on smart sex and when I'm writing it it's like okay I've been doing this for almost 20 years I'm just gonna put all my best tips and all the things in there so people could have it in one place and then when I was writing it I was like you know I can give you tips all day like if you have an orgasm I can say use this vibrator use this lube try this sex position and that's all fine and good and that that will work temporarily but there's so much depth to sexual challenges that we have so I came up with these five pillars of sex I call it sex IQ so how do you become sexually intelligent you have to look at these five factors that are going to contribute to you being sexually well and healthy because it's not about just one thing like if the three of us like if we all couldn't have an orgasm like say there'd be a lot of different reasons why you know so it's like it's it's emotional it's mental it's psychological so people don't but here's the thing it's like people don't realize that all these things are connected like if you don't get great sleep if you don't eat healthy if you're not if you haven't worked on trauma or gone to therapy that's going to impact your ability to have an erection right it's not just because you are watching too much porn that could be part of it so I don't think that people ever did the deep dive into really realizing that there's so many factors that go into it you're the perfect person to ask this that you know when we were younger I mean let's say 20 years ago and before there was so much shame around sex I still I still think there's a lot around it but I think that the pendulum has moved in a direction where it went from shame to it's now purely physical lust and I see a lot more of this than I did before or maybe trivialized or separated from something like I read a statistic the other day that the best sex people who have the best sex tend to be couples who have been together for a long time who are like in their fifties I read or something like that forties and fifties which you if you if you you know popular media would have you thinking it's the one you're in your 20s yeah super fit and all that stuff so do you do you see changes over the last two decades where you know maybe that the pendulum is going in the wrong direction or has it always been that way over correcting like yeah so so you're to clarify you're saying that it has is it is shame not really a thing anymore and it's more about like we still see shame but now it's also this this other issue of where it's like this super it's just purely physical very disconnected I think that those have always been things unfortunately I think that shame is still a huge is a huge challenge I think stress trauma and shame are the pleasure thieves like that is what's keeping us from pleasure and a lot of us have shame that we don't even realize that we have around sex and that's why it's the way we're talked about it when we're younger and then we think it's saying that we can't talk about so I still think that shame is there give me an example of that like that's or that's common where someone is like let's let paint me a picture of somebody who's listening right now who potentially may have shame around sex it doesn't even realize that I love this question okay so you guys all have kids right yeah so now let's say when you're younger you may realize maybe your hands are down your pants and you're sitting around the dinner table and your parents are like take take that away like we were young it's like take your pants that's dirty that's wrong don't do that why are you doing that or maybe your parents walk in and you so your first your first connection to sex and to your body is that it's shameful and wrong now you might even be pre-verbal you might be like a toddler and that's the very first message that you got around sex so then you always feel shame when you're masturbating which by the way talking about sexual health part of being healthy overall is having a healthy relationship to masturbation so I don't often have to remind men to masturbate like cool I got that down right they're like I was doing it safe way I'm like no do put it away don't do it same way but but for women sometimes there is shame around it and even for men they're like I gotta hide it or my partner makes me feel bad about it so that's just an example where we might not even be realizing but like I'm here to tell you and it's because people don't tell people this that it's great to masturbate whether you're in a relationship you're out of a relationship it's part of connecting to your body and being healthy so that's part of it I think that they're still so that that's a big shame in a lot of us carry around sort of avoid something like that as a parent by the way you can move your mic up a little bit there you go as a parent would be like your kids touching their privates and to treat it like if they were touching their leg or their ear so rather than being like don't do that yeah exactly yeah it could be more like war in public you might say hey that's something you could do so Katrina's mother you because we've had this with the little nephews and some of that had done that would say something like oh that's your me time when you're in your room yeah exactly she won't even she won't even make a big deal about it she'll just be like hey save that for when you're in your your meat like your your me time in your own room you know I'm saying that out here in a living room with everybody you don't want to make it like a that's wrong there's not a big huge deal to say hey save that for what you do that later and you would say oh that feels good right that feels rubbed for that feels good let's just wait till we're you know not at the dinner table you're alone interesting so what about you said masturbation is good is there an unhealthy relationship with masturbation absolutely our unhealthy relationship with masturbation so it's like anything it's like a if you find that masturbation is something that's like taking over your life for example you're masturbating so much that it's impacting your ability to show up for work Jesus it's it's like one more time one more way it's impacting your ability to have sex with your partner because you can't get hard you can't get turned on unless there's porn and background you're thinking about porn or you keep escalating the porn that you're watching to more extreme levels where when you're watching it you're like I don't even feel good about this but I have to keep escalating so those are when you know that there's problems when it's having when there's consequences it's like any kind of I don't peep there's like conflict in this world about in the sex world about if there could be addiction with porn or and I'm not with masturbation and I'm not going to but but essentially if you are addiction you've a challenge with anything it's when there's consequences is this why you're late all the time Doug probably this explains actually this is this has got to be this is I hear people talking about this more now than ever I mean when we were younger pornography was so hard to come by and now it's so accessible and now you're hearing you know men saying they have erectile dysfunction at young ages because of it and then you mentioned something that is relatively new where the porn genres or types are getting more and more extreme exactly what's happening with that oh my god well first so here's what's happening with porn is that now kids are seeing porn as early as eight years old so they're it's like on their phone they're playing Candy Crush and all of a sudden there's some boobs and they're like well what's happening so that so and then there's not a lot of education so porn without education is really problematic without sex education is problematic and it's everywhere now so you know especially for the kids who grew up you know the iPad generation they grew up with the phone in their pocket or the iPad like they have seen it everywhere and so and it is becoming more extreme or readily available and we are seeing more erectile challenges for people at younger ages for sure because that's again where they yeah it was harder to come by right literally or easy to come by but hard to come by I suppose but you said that I was like wait there's some kind of fun in there so um but yeah because it was like a magazine or whatever it was and it was just now it's it's accessible all of the time and so you know everything is conditioning right so it's like you can get conditioned to being able to call up whatever you want to see right there in the moment and you're like oh it's a lot easier than having to go out and approach somebody so now we have all these younger people who are having a hard time connecting with humans right so like well I'm already getting my needs met with porn so you know that's a problem but I don't bash porn either because we all know porn has its uses right so obviously I think everyone here would agree probably an eight-year-old seeing something like that with no education is a horrible idea but what about somebody who's like a because I try and put myself back into teenage years when I was scouring you know the magazine piles for the JC Penney article or anywhere I could see a boob right and I think you know if I had the access like most probably high school kids do with their phone you know how would you coach them or how would you speak to them to have a healthy relationship with that because I don't necessarily know how good I would be like back then you would have to have like a magazine article like that that you would have to find in order to use yet if I had my phone where I had Pornhub on it that I could have access to it all the time God I don't know I don't know how I would have been in high school it's hard to say because I want to act but I'm not sure how I would so how would you coach a young man who's got that access on how he should use it yeah it's a really good question and I think you would say see this is where it's found parents because I think a lot of kids you think we don't want to hear our parents talking about sex that's just eww gross like dad don't talk to me about it or mom but the more that we do and we normalize it we start to say like you know son you're going to hear me talking about it it's not going to be like it's not a one-time conversation like growing up it was like the birds and the bees this has to be the thing a way to talk to him is like so I just want you to know you might come across porn and here's the thing that is inversion of sex it's actually not real it's not it's scripted it's an extreme version of sex it can be you just talk to him like you would about how what's maybe what's realistic what's not in it like to me I look at porn I'm like oh my god like he's nowhere near her clitoris there's that doesn't feel good at all you said the same thing we said somebody working out right oh that's terrible form exactly you guys that's it we're not even working the right muscle right there yeah exactly let's see the instant replay on that I'm telling you what we do is so similar in the sense of like sexual health and your overall physical health like someone's like how do I want to lose weight you'd never say well just go on a diet or just lift this weight and say do all of these things the same thing goes for sex there's the five things I talked about but it's very similar but yet for you guys it's much more normalized and you're watching anyway we'll get into that but to go back to this it's like you know you have to use real examples from maybe when you are it's not going conversation so it's not the birds and the bees it's like okay so I want you know that I know you saw porn and you might see porn and I want you know that that's you know the most important relationship is that one that you have with yourself and your own body when you're with somebody you know like talk about consent I have some great podcasts about how to talk to your kids about sex but there's literally not a lot of great places for unfortunately right now for me to send parents to go so it's really just you're real with them about what you know what they know so do you recommend then it organically comes up or that a dad formally or mom formally sits their kid down so is that what I'm hearing from you is like the best approach is life is going to happen there's going to be a situation where they come across something or they say something or hear something at school and then to address it in that moment and then explain that the best you can as a parent versus man my kids getting to be about 14 now I think I need to sit down and have this formal sex talk exactly that's exactly like oh he's certainly in the shower for a lot longer right now like what's happening in there that's all my friends are my friends with kids are like oh god like I know he's doing it but I don't want to talk to him like we have to talk to him get ahead of it it's like hey so you're going to start getting erections or here's what puberty is and it's hormones and you're going to start having these feelings and I want you know it's totally it's totally okay it's normal if you have questions about it and then you can start to bring in media like maybe you're watching a movie one night at home with your kids and something happens maybe there's a kiss like it's a high school scene and there's so you stop it like what do you think about that I thought it was interesting that he was it was consensual or maybe it wasn't consensual you try to find things in media or in a day to day life that's sort of speaking to some of the the questions they might have as you find it because it is out there and the thing is it's like anything it gets easier I think that there's probably a lot of parents are going oh my god I could never do that it's awful but that's because that's the way we were raised and the only place that we see a good example of this is in the Netherlands and this is like been one of my missions is it in the Dutch countries it's the only place in the world where they normalize talking about sex and it's totally okay pregnancy rates are low they talk about and they started a very young age the kids are toddlers pre-verbal and so when they're talking to them about their body parts not like they're saying here's how you put a condom when you're like 18 months old but what they are saying is they're naming the parts there's no shame around it so they'll say this is your knees and this is your thighs and this is your penis and this is your vulva they're not skipping over from your thighs to your stomach they're naming the parts they're talking about consent they're talking about so it's normal and the parents and their sex education like okay so in the states our sex ed is like don't get pregnant don't get don't have sex basically you're gonna get pregnant you're gonna get an SDI and your life is gonna be really challenging and hard but in these other countries they do talk about pleasure and they talk about orgasm and they talk about consent and they make sex they don't make it so like scary and as a result sex and sexual health and wellness and it's normal so that's the world I want us to get to here in the states that's my mother-in-law's house that's what dinner looks like I mean I've been in part of this their family now for like 13 years and it was quite the shock for someone like me to like hear like a grandma talk about blowjobs at a dinner table or something like that like literally with kids all ages and so like that but she openly will and the way it looks like in their family is because we have this massive family at all age ranges and most of them are most of us are adults if she thinks that her daughter-in-law's skin looks really well a lot of times she'll be like oh you guys having great sex right now I see your skin it's glowing it'll be at the dinner table and so that will organically come up in front of the kids and it's I mean it was very weird for me at first to be a part of that but it's also everybody in the family is very comfortable with the intensity of it and the kids get it introduced that way instead of them getting it from television or their friends at high school they hear grandma talking to mom and dad or aunt uncle about their sex life at the dinner table and it was really weird to get used to at first but it actually has created this really interest and I'm not obviously been 13 years I've seen these kids grow up and so I've watched them be 7-8 year olds now and then high school and really having a sex life and older it's something that can be discussed with 7 of us sitting around I love that I see that's good so you've probably seen so it probably is a little bit oh yeah it's very normal now it's very very normal now for me but it was a shock when I first came in to the family you're like that's not okay grandma what's grandma doing on the table then I imagine having a mother-in-law ask my wife about our sex life and blow jobs and things like that right in front of me when we first met that's extreme I mean there's a way the pendulum can swing and you get to decide we all get to decide with the right but I mean I see it now and I'm like wow that's actually really cool to see how the comfort level that the entire family has around that topic it's actually no different than any other topic so it's just it's no different than the kid who's struggling with math in school we're thinking about buying a house and that same conversation and that's how I think it yeah no I was just curious because you know you're a doctor in your background in all these studies we've talked about like kids as they get like imprinted like that being like a substantial moment with how they have sex later on in life like what age typically is that where that is so formative and also because you hear about like some kinks that result as as that imprint leaves its mark like can you just kind of talk through that like some of those situations so do you mean so you're talking about like a fetish or a fantasy about something that happened when they were younger yeah or just like regular encounter with sex but like it's the way that they sort of perceive sex going forward from there like what age would you say like typically that God it's so hard to say because we're all so different it's like bio-individuality right we are all so different so there's not like a universal age but there are instances where something can happen to a kid and a lot of times it's like negative stuff or something will happen they'll parent so maybe okay so also shame comes from like if you grow up in like a religious household let's say and you were always told that masturbation was wrong or sex is only for procreation and then you start to have sex you might feel this like guilt around it or shame around it or or like or maybe if you grew up over like the nuns were telling you so then you might have like a kink around it you might develop some kind of like fantasies around the nuns because let's say you're like in a young you're at a formative age when you're going through puberty right so that's when your hormones start to spike it starts to come in and then you might be having some sexual thoughts at that time and it might sort of commingle if you will with some kind of fantasy like a fantasy let's say about redheads like I'm always obsessed with redheads I don't know why like maybe they had like a second you know third grade teacher or something where they kind of had these feelings for their teacher at the time they couldn't really explain it but then their hormone there at the time they were also starting to go through puberty and so it sort of got linked up like their penchant for redheads and sexual fantasies like it linked up with something it's sort of like a perfect storm of hormones and kinks and fantasies that was my theory we were all talking about this on a podcast not that long ago well we were talking about like weird things I think it just came up with a foot fetish and I theorized like you know because I know what happened to me I tell a story and I don't know if I've shared on the podcast I know I share with these guys you have that I was sexually imprinted because one of the first times that a girl had ever touched me in that I'm in high school I've already gone through puberty and I was sick I was like deathly sick so to this day if I'm sick I'm like always in the mood and I swear it's because that was imprinted on me and I told the guys I'm like you know someone has like this weird like there were words saying like why would you like have a foot fetish I'm like well imagine being in high school and the first time you ever get touched down there as a guy it's the girl at cafeteria she sneaks her foot and starts rubbing it is early memories that usually happens when you're it's all new and that's where a lot of them originate what are the components like because obviously having good sex it's not just the physical pleasure there's connection there's confidence there's being vulnerable what are the components of like really healthy good sex wow that's such a great question I mean I think it's mostly communication I would say communication is a lubrication and I will it is really about not only the communication that you have with your partner but with yourself like what are the messages that you're telling yourself about sex so that you have to be comfortable with it that's a great component about it somebody that you feel safe with and that you trust talking about your fantasies and your desires and what you what you want that's one of the components another one is is your overall health and wellness like are you mentally healthy are you physically healthy I think if you are somebody who like people who are healthier we've talked about this before too like it's all about blood flow let's say your erections or your orgasms if you're moving your body regularly you're exercising you're eating healthy like you're gonna have more blood flow and you're gonna be more likely to be aroused turned on ready for sex so that's another important like pillar of wellness also your mental health if you've had you know if you know therapy is gonna help everything but if you let's say you've had some traumas growing up and they've impacted your ability to connect with somebody or maybe it was a sexual trauma you know and you haven't dealt with that in therapy it's not gonna go away so you have to like look at your your overall health you have to look at your your um your confidence level too this is what I call the self acceptance like do you accept yourself where you're at right now do you feel comfortable with you if you're walking and you ask really relate to this if you're walking around all day and you're like I hate my body I can't believe I didn't work out I don't look good I've gained weight and then you expect so here's the disconnect when you asked me earlier like why is sex is now becoming under the wellness umbrella because if you are disconnected all day you're like I don't like my body I hate it and then you get in the bedroom with somebody and you're like why aren't I in the mood for sex why don't I feel sexy whether no matter what your gender why can't I get an erection because you've been hating on your body all day you are not accepting yourself you're like there's not a lot of acceptance and confidence and then it's also yeah so that would be a big factor of it too so like how well do you know yourself how well do you advocate for yourself so it's really about you know this is what I talk about in the book too it's like these five pillars and I do this myself and listen people are like oh do you have the best sex ever I'm like I know how to have the best sex but I also know how to troubleshoot it and for me I think about the five pillars I'll think in my head like why how do I get in the mood for sex I have to know that I am moving my body for me that's really important am I healthy am I eating right I have to communicate with my partner these are the pillars it's like I have we talked about is there something that I've been holding on to do I have any resentments with him if I you know if I'm not feeling great about something I'm not going to be able to have the best sex if I haven't communicated with my partner if I don't feel great in my body if I don't acknowledge the fact that there's certain things that need to be set up for sex as well if I walk into my house and it's freezing cold or it's messy I'm not going to be in the mood for sex right so I really kind of reverse engineer it I think of all the things that could go wrong and what do I what elements do I need to be in place for it to go right you mentioned communication in connection it makes me think of like breakup sex people are like break oh not breakup sex excuse me makeup sex makeup sex is like the best sex ever and it's like well probably because you were like fighting on the verge of you know separating you came together and you felt so close to communication and it feels so good to be connected again exactly no breakup sex is a real thing because again you're getting like the stimulation of the adrenaline and the dopamine and so that's the added the feel good hormones come into that so you have to have a dip it's changing up your pattern because listen the thing that kills our sex life is monotony and the same things over and over again and what we crave in long-term relations is spontaneity we crave like something a little bit new and different and it doesn't have to be like crazy like swinging from the rafter sex it could literally be a bottle of lube like the lube you're going to bring on with you tonight it could be that but it's something that's just a little bit a little bit different so if you got in a fight and you had this like fear maybe you were in fight or flight even if nothing you thought you were going to get divorced but it was something different right and then you made up again it was a relief so you're having those those dips in the dopamine spikes and so that's part of it you and when you bring up a lube a lot and obviously you mentioned that that's one of the great factors for having great sex so okay so I do I have questions around that because we I can't even remember the last time that Katrina and I used lube okay very very long time and it's mainly because we never have to right and so I kind of look at it like a thing where it's like with the way we talk about protein shakes and bars it's like my goal I would think for my sex life is like my fitness health and fitness life where it's like I want to try and get all everything through whole natural foods and if I can hit those markers I'm the healthiest I can be now for some reason I'm missing protein then shakes and bars make a lot of sense to supplement that because they're very helpful for that would you say that's similar to lube like if I have this incredible sex life where she gets unbelievably lubricated herself yeah I don't have this need for that so I shouldn't use that I I totally I could see why that would be we would think that would be the case but lube is different okay I'm so glad you asked this because actually lube is more like sunscreen think of lube as being like you know when it's cloudy out and your mom's like you have to wear sunset you're like but it's cloudy and you can still get you can still get a tan you can still get burned in the sun so here's the thing about lube I want to like the education around lube is that is that lube is a safety measure so sometimes we could be really really wet and not turned on sometimes you can be turned on and not wet that's the thing I also want to mention about lube is that especially for women where the one's getting wet is that it changes with our cycles so there's certain times a month where we're wet not what enough or we're wet for a little bit at the so sometimes at the start of sex too we're really wet and then we're not and so we might not be as wet if it goes a little bit longer or it's just not a guarantee the problem with not being wet enough for sex or not having enough is the friction so if there's too much friction then there's tears you can get infections that's one problem so if you just add a few drops of lube to every sexual situation it's a safety measure so you don't because sometimes you're caught up in the moment and you're like I was really you know wet at the beginning but I didn't realize I wasn't and then you can have tears again that caused infections STI's stuff like that and the second thing is there was a study by a groundbreaking study by Indiana University which is the Kinsey Institute leading research plays about sex and they found that when you added a few drops of lube to any sexual situation women are 80% more likely to have an orgasm because of the nerve ending the clitoris and all that so even if it's just a little few drops when you're like starting to have sex you put a few drops on your hand or you put it on your penis or you put it on her vulva and you rub it in she's more likely to to have so it's safety so that's why it's a little bit like I literally have my dream is a lube on every nightstand so it is a even though you don't need it I just would love to know what it would feel like just to know that it's there and it's consistent and it might just feel interesting I also feel like positioning in a way where a woman may think well I'm going to use this if I can't get wet enough might actually create either pressure or shame let's talk about the person said what's wrong with me why can't I I feel aroused and then it just causes more problems rather than it being like this is just a thing that we have wait I'm so glad you because this is the other shame thing so lube has been shaved so lube has been the thing like yeah I think I have a bottle of lube it's like deep the bed or it's like back in the in the in the bathroom and it's hidden in the second shelf because our misunderstanding about it is that is that if you're a guy and you're with a woman you're like oh she's not turned on I did something wrong my penis must not be great or I did something that you know we you guys are directly it's your ego right you think you're connected to it but I want to like I make everyone just like breathe a sigh of relief and let you know that that's why I said like she can be super turned on and not wet or she could be really wet not turned on this is just like a safety measure because it feels good and penises love lube too like use it for masturbation like it's just it's a great safety so I just want to say like I hope if anyone takes anything from this cover like that is just a really big factor because I've just seen it I mean I've people use lube and they just feel you know they feel great about it in some ways it reminds me of like like with erectile dysfunction that oftentimes the reason why the man can't get an erection has nothing to do with the fact that his wife or his partner isn't turning him on could be something else could be a health issue could be stress yes and they even show repeated use of you know erectile dysfunction medications men will start to develop a psychological attachment like if I don't take this oh no what's gonna happen type of deal so I could see it being very similar in that sense it is very exactly that's exactly it there's just all these things you don't realize that sex is so psychological too and it's patterning extremely psychological oh my god we get so set in our ways like this is the only way that I can masturbate this long way I can orgasm and this is the only thing that turns me on and and it's um it's just conditioning so it's like making the decision that I would like to explore other ways to have pleasure and other ways to have orgasm and I think that hope that should feel good to people because if you do erectile dysfunction you don't have to live with it especially now there's so many ways to to deal with it to work with it that could be held that could be you know exercised like testosterone your hormone replacement um using different toys can help there's just a lot of solutions to it and we're not just you're not our sex life is not a fixed state it's like your health are there are there common challenges between the sexes meaning like I could see like the the pressure to provide for the as the man tends to hinder our sex life a lot or the the confidence of my wife and how she feels sexy about herself is are there common themes that you see within the sexes and challenges and then if there are what are some of the best things to address that's great question I mean I used to think that we were so different but um that men always want sex and women don't or men are and and like I none of it I actually in my book I didn't even use gender I was like penis owners and and and vulva owners and like we're and then I was like there's only a few areas where I was like we're really different and that just when it comes down to biology and like women can have more orgasms our refractory period is a lot you know quicker than men but but basically our challenges are yeah confidence challenges having to initiate so I see some of our challenges would be around performance okay a desire so let's talk with let's start with desire desire discrepancy is the number one question I get asked by people is there's in every relationship there's someone with a high libido and a low libido always the two high libido partners don't ever get together and the two low libido partners never get together so I want everyone to feel good that there's always going to be someone in the relationship who's going to want it a little bit more okay and so some so it's all for that switch right but it can switch it can switch but unfortunately the only time it's ever the same as the honeymoon phase in the beginning you cannot wait to rip your clothes off to rip the clothes off each other and it's amazing and exciting but we're never going to get back to that we're not we might on vacation we might have separation from each other maybe after a fight or something is new and exciting but it just can't be new again it just can't but and that's okay too so how we solve for this desire discrepancy is first like you said yeah it can switch over time and then you acknowledge it I mean again if you are in a relationship we're not only talking to your kids about it but with your partner about it regularly like just yeah so I've been feeling more in the mood this week like are we going to have sex on you know what about sex tonight I mean and then you say well you know what tonight I'm exhausted I want to go by early but Saturday night is going to be our night that's our date night we can look forward to it we know what's going to happen so if you're somebody who is the let's say you're the lower so the lower desire partner has the power the low desire partner is the one who's deciding when sex is going to happen or not so then acknowledging that with your partner and saying okay you know I what would feel right to us have sex so let's say you're someone who wants sex five days a week you only want it one day a week well that's about what like one and a half to two times a week and so you're like okay well how do we troubleshoot that and that's when you got a reverse engineer and say well when do we know we want to have sex the most often it's definitely not like I know for me like I do not want to have sex during the week after like 11 o'clock at night I try to get to bed early I know that like I'm already you know washed my face I'm in bed I'm like ready so I think when we expect sex just to happen randomly like we're in bed this is when sex can happen like that doesn't work for many people especially when you have kids and you have life and you get up early there's no random sex when you have kids there's no random sex when you have kids so you've got to plan for sex you have to schedule sex and I know people think that is like the least sexy thing in the world like you don't want to look at your calendar and be like time to like pick up the kids at school and make dinner and then have sex but when you plan for it just like your workout a workout is you know I can't tell you how similar it is to like your workouts prioritizing it's not going to randomly happen you're not going to wait until you're suddenly in the mood and unfortunately since we get turned on in different ways it's probably not going to hit you over the head that you're just going to be in the mood for sex so you have to sort of reverse engineer and think when is the best time like kids there's a babysitter this night or we're going to get up early on Saturday morning because sex is important and it has to happen but you have to figure out in a relationship when is the best time for it to happen. Yeah we've had to learn communication factor that you're talking about like that really like proceeds like it has to happen that way in order to have good sex otherwise you can just have sex and you're planning it out but then it's just like you know let's hurry up and let's get to it versus really kind of like you know scheduling enough time to connect and that's the communication part it's like I can't get in the mood unless the house is messy or I need to you know we need to be able to talk about it beforehand that works for me can't be too late because it's not really any planet I think it could be it could be pressure and that's where people are like I don't like it or you know my opinion is more fun like it's way more fun and flirt towards and then try to meet each other's needs leading up to it so that it can happen. It's also I think recognizing the individual needs right so you hit a bunch of things that like over the course of 13 years like I think Katrina and I have pieced together like for one she's like way colder than I am so I've learned like if I have the house at my temperature up and getting her to take all her clothes off is very low so I'll deal with the house being a little warm if I want to get some earlier right I also recognize this like if you talk about the communication piece if we sit down there's a great there's a great game I've talked about it on the show before it's just I forget the name table it's called table conversations I think and it's just conversation starters but it gets us talking about stuff even after 13 years that we didn't know about each other or you know she'll share something a childhood memory because of the question and that always fosters this crazy intimacy afterwards another thing you hit that was a huge hack for us was you know we love to watch our favorite TV shows and this and that and then we we mosey on up to bed at 10 30 11 o'clock at night and typically one or the other would it be more tired than the other person and even if we were maybe both wanting it four hours ago we don't end up having it because one person ends up falling asleep so simply disciplining ourselves to like just go to the bedroom at 8 o'clock and that's it so you don't have to formally plan we're having sex time it's just like hey let's go up to the room by 8 o'clock tonight and then just like conversation happened that conversation always ends up leading to sex so these things have all been things that I know that we piece together are there more things like that that come to mind for you as far as like man sometimes I can give someone this little subtle tip another tip I've given people is like we listen to audio books together and that connection growing and learning together has very rarely do we ever get through a full hour or two hours of the book it ends up into sex you know 30 minutes later so have you found things like that sometimes that you can just give somebody that was like all they need was a little tweak yeah totally I mean couples that like play together stay together so having habits like that like doing you know book together working out together like I know like when I work out with my partner like we always like we have our workouts we do that and that's it we talk about those things that that definitely can help I think planning like using toys I'm a huge fan of toys as you guys know like having them charged ready to go I think it's a big game changer and also like planning for your sex I'd like thinking about like what toy could we use or what you know if you like this is where I love porn like what showing each other different scenes that you like important to keep it interesting going shopping for toys together looking at so like kind of bringing in other stimuli could is really I think I have something called the yes no maybe list this has been like a game changer I don't know if I don't think I had this before but it's a free download on my on my website at sexwithemily.com and there's like 80 sex acts on it and I can't tell you like I didn't know how much is going to impact people because think about with sex there's no menu there's no like you want to spice it up we've been doing missionary sex and occasional doggy style maybe we do 69 but we don't know what else the fuck there is to do that's going to mix things on it and it says everything from like dirty talk so it has a yes no and a maybe after every sex effort or every suggestion it could be like taking a bath together dirty talk using toys going to a sex party spanking just you know everything like some some a little bit kinky or some not so you each take it right you like together you can print it out or you can do it online and you're like okay so now we're going to sit together great I mean how many times are people like way off you're like oh shit I didn't know you I think you just go through the list together and talk about each other I feel like individually be more fun I feel like individually you do it and then come back and compare the notes they both could be fun I think otherwise you're influenced if you're doing it right with your partner you're influenced by what they're going to say it's so fun like we and then there's a lot of magic in the maybe's too you're like oh why is that or a lot of fear so in the maybe's once you get through the yeah because it won't first off you're like oh my god I didn't know you want to dirty talk I've been waiting for that to happen or you want to spank me I want you just I want to be spanked who knew why didn't we ever talk about this like let's go so it's literally is everything other that's fun but also with them then you go to the maybe's you're like oh interesting like why is that not not because you want to like coerce your partner but you might find out like oh I had a bad experience with it or I was told that that was really dirty or wrong or shameful so then you kind of can crack the code and it sort of is a great fodder for like month years to come you just keep there you redo it every year and see what's changed so you kind of and then you can also plan it out so now we have all of these things to do you know why don't we try that thing or why don't we like you know and you start because I think sometimes couples get so set in their ways and they're like yeah I want to role play but my partner's gonna really laugh I bring the door about like pretend on the pizza guy like that's we've been together forever and they'll just laugh and I just say to that like so what if you like stick in character for a minute it's something funny and it's something new again we're craving novelty we're creating spontaneity and variety those are the three elements so it could literally be sex in the in the bathroom when it's always in the bedroom it could be that you pretended you know you meet at a bar sexy stranger right you show up and you're like that's such a fun role play for couples to be like like meet me at this bar and show up as you know your middle name or your alter ego or just even if you do it for 10 minutes like send this my boyfriend and we'll show up with the rest of me like hi is this seat taken and like for 10 minutes we'll just do this thing I'm like no you can sit there I'm just waiting for someone but you're really cute and we'll just and then for a minute I'll just kind of go off look how was your day and I'll see him differently right I'll like okay so that's a really hot moment I'm like oh yeah he is caught he's not really bothering me in this moment you know like he was or annoying me like you were 10 minutes ago so we have to remember that it's our memory it's so playful we can have fun with this it's something to us and we just think we don't want to you know we'll have sex with them but if you can kind of create something new and fun and new fodder it can be really really hot let's talk about orgasms for a second because that's obviously you know one of the best parts of sex besides the connection what do people get wrong about orgasms what are some common misconceptions about them I think that the common misconception for women is that something is wrong if they can't have an orgasm during penetration only 20% of women are going to have an orgasm during penetrative sex I think we've probably talked about that the vast majority need clitoral stimulation they need it they need foreplay they need clitoral stimulation and that's okay like that's okay if you're not going to happen that way and that it's okay to use you know the majority of women are going to orgasm from like fingers or toys or a mouth and it's not because of your penis although for some they count and that's great too I think that we also get wrong that there's only that we're set like the way that we orgasm is the only way we can orgasm because again it's conditioning it's patterning that's how we've always done it but if you're open to exploring or you and I love is I love another great tip for couples that they love is that is mutual masturbation because with mutual masturbation first off super hot super hot it's a sure thing like first off you know you're both going to have orgasms so like you can learn it's educational you're like oh I didn't know that you put your hand over the tip and grab your balls like I never grab your balls I never grab your balls and now I'm going to grab your balls right not the balls you're also different I didn't know my last partner one of the balls touched and you do or you don't so I think that's a really fun thing to do and then you can also learn like what else you know I didn't think that I was able to have an internal orgasm or G-spot orgasm as they call it because I was never able to do during penetration and it wasn't until I literally took matters into my own hands when I started this work almost 20 years ago that everything changed for me I was like oh okay so I have to use a toy in a certain way or it helps to already have a clitoral orgasm first and then once I have a clitoral orgasm all the nerve endings internally become more engorged and I'm more likely to have an internal or G-spot orgasm as they call it I call it G area I think what some other what else have I missed here so for penis owners I think or for men what are some of the misconceptions I guess same thing that could only happen in a certain way yeah that that you could have a prostate orgasm if you haven't gandered there that's a fun topic that's crickets I almost brought you guys some prostate toys well I'm going to ship them to you I'm going to ship them to you because also I was flying I didn't know I wanted to bring you my closet like your last time my whole closet so I just have to kind of gauge the water here but you could have an incredible orgasm if you stimulate your prostate different how common is it for like your sexual preferences and ways you orgasm to evolve and change throughout like a relationship a lot often so that's the other thing that your orgasm is not a fixed state it can get it can change as you get older maybe it's quicker when you're younger or it takes longer so does when you're older because our hormones are changing and you just can have different kinds different ways I mean I find this for men a lot like they don't really realize that there's all these like places that can feel really good like stimulating their perineum which is like the taint like in between you guys know that the balls in your ass there's a little area that indirect stimulation is a prostate that can feel great and you might have a different kind of orgasm so I think it does change and also expecting that like maybe you can't come three times like you did in your 20s like I know I remember my boyfriend in my early 20s like he would come in three times in like 20 minutes or something like that just doesn't happen as much anymore because of hormones because we get older so you know your refractory period again the time that it takes to come again might take a little bit longer and so I think just kind of normalizing that is there any science to support my crazy mother-in-law and her ideas around she could tell by skin and like I mean she feels like she like the way it's glowing you know yeah no she literally she had like I said these calm these I'm not making these conversations up like I know I want to come over you would just absolutely love her and love yeah conversing with her because she is just an open book and loves to talk about stuff but yeah she she will many times you know ask my wife about our sex life because if she can tell by her the way her skin is like I don't know that that's it can improve your for sure can prove your skin circulation but I don't know that you can tell it's only because sex that that it's going to be and if you're having a lot of sex or like all weekend long you guys are in the bedroom under the covers and doing your thing over the covers maybe but I don't think that it's okay yeah that let's talk about sex IQ you mentioned this in the book and that you mentioned five pillars yeah can we talk about those yeah let's talk about the five pillars so so the five pillars of sex IQ so what I realized is after all these years and you guys know like I got so many questions right over the years hundreds of thousands I've probably answered tens of thousands of questions and then I realize it all boils down to maybe about like five do you guys have the same thing like you have the same five questions yeah yeah and the variations of it sounds different the deeper the more you the longer I've done this the more I realize it all boils down to just like a few things that it can be very different and communicate it and exactly so I realize after all these years it really just right in the book I obviously had this vision of like I want people to like every day I get an email from someone who can have an orgasm or an email from a guy who can't get an erection or feel shame about his penis size or wants to know why he doesn't have the desire he used to or how do I ask my partner to blank that's one of the top questions like how do I get and I was like oh my god you know and I love it I love it because everyone's story does come packaged a little bit different but at the end of the day it's the same things so when I was writing I was like there's gotta be a way to empower people to to kind of figure this out for themselves to troubleshoot if you will to sort of reverse engineer whatever they desire they want and to look at these five areas so the five pillars of becoming sexually intelligent start the first one to look at is embody and again this is what it says you never get to a place where you are like five-star like sexually intelligent where you're like okay I've got it now and I can move on and learn to play golf or something it is an ongoing thing where you always are working at this it's the same thing it's a journey there's no destination there is no exactly there is no destination but now you know what to look for now you know so the first one is embodiment so embodiment just am I aware of how my body feels of like even an embodiment exercises like you know if you close your eyes and you like take your hands I just like partner to like to be connected you put your hands over their wrists and I'm right now I'm feeling like how it feels to touch myself like that is embodied I'm feeling my hands on my wrist do I feel you know my feet on the floor am I embodied and in touch with my body is my movement I want to comment on that real quick because someone may be listening like well of course I feel things we see this in fitness all the time where we'll do an exercise with someone and they'll say where am I supposed to feel this and it's because we say this in fitness all the time people are not in their bodies it could also be disconnecting from certain emotions so like men tend to disconnect from like emotions and they make them feel weak and so because of that we tend to disconnect yeah so we disconnect from our bodies as well can't do either or it tends to be both so what you're saying is such a big deal I want people to know that this is like really really big and that most people have some issues with really being fully in their bodies fully in their bodies especially during sex we tend to disassociate we tend to think like I hope you'll be going to our heads we're fantasizing we're like I hope they don't notice that my left boobs bigger than my right boobs not hard enough and so we think of all the thoughts that you have during sex if I tell you the only thoughts you should be having is like how something is feeling and I talk a lot about that in the book about how to get into a place of embodiment really easy easily by using your senses you can immediately sink into that to be feel more embodied if you're like okay when I'm starting sex I'm worried about things or I didn't send this email off yet or if you just immediately ground yourself you're like okay I am what am I you take the five senses what am I smelling okay I'm smelling the vanilla candle what am I seeing I'm seeing my partner's body what am I hearing I'm hearing their breath you go through the five senses and you're like grounded and you might have to do that a few times during sex but it's gonna immediately bring you present so that's one of them and that is a that helps with anxiety that helps stress it helps anytime you're having thoughts that aren't serving you but especially in the bedroom so that's the first one embodiment I have to comment on that yes you just reminded me I mean hack for us and I'd never thought of it as a like an exercise but I remember I'm guilty of this of if you if Katrina would come into bed say it's a we even get to bed early eight o'clock but she asked me a business question and I can't I'm it takes me well I'm really what it is and listening to you what I'm connecting is that it really it takes me out of being present I instantly am now here and thinking of all the stress of work this and that and it's like I don't care if I was super in the mood right before that I cannot help it I am now I'm somewhere like writing numbers you're pulling out the spreadsheet you're like yeah exactly what was cool about that is you I feel like you just gave me some tools that if and when that happens you just remind yourself yeah we've disciplined ourself to like what she knows like do not ask me a work question when we go in that bedroom or else she's definitely getting sex so she knows better for the most part but I'm sure there's going to be a time again where that accidentally happens and so a great exercise you're saying would be for me to get reconnected exactly to touch breathe together yeah no and I also so another thing happens because again this happens to me this happens to everybody I for nothing is breath so does a partner and I will sit and we'll breathe I'm like and he knows because he we've been together he sees the book he does what I do and you're like should we breathe for minutes and is when I'm not present I'm like or like the sex will start and if you guys can relate to this and then I'm like oh my god I wasn't even ready yet or how did this how I naked already like I was moving too fast or I just didn't do it and I'm not present I'll just say should we breathe for a minute and it's so anchoring to sit and just to like look into my partner's eyes and we'll take like a few deep breaths and we breathe together it resets everything you know same thing with exercise right and you're breathing and you're focused you could be more embodied that's one thing and that just helps us it's even in the middle of sex if you don't have time to run through the five senses just breathe just breathe deeply and then another great hack for this is to like breathe into your pelvic floor and do a peggle a quick tense of it because that's where all your sexual energy is anyway and so it just helps you connect to your body to your sexual energy that's where the orgasm is going to happen so all these things really anchor so that's embodiment is just one of the pillars like am I embodied either in you know in life and throughout the day do I try to like be embodied and be present I just think we all know about mindfulness and how important it is I just think it's a great tool like am I more embodied than not so that's the first pillar of it that was the second one is health now this is crazy and the reason why I think this might be obvious you know to some people but I can't tell you how we were like I can't orgasm I can't get erection I'll say what are you wanting any medication oh yeah I'm on antidepressants I'm on blood pressure medication unfortunately we don't do a great job of telling people when they start taking medication with the side effects are or we don't listen but if you have been on the birth control pill you're on an antidepressant and SSRI it's going to impact it could impact your ability to have an orgasm to say hard to say wreck so that's just one example of health and you're moving your body are you exercising is there blood flow that's going to help with erections arousal orgasm the foods that you're eating what you're putting into your body again all of that is a factor therapy to that's your mental health and your physical health is the second pillar have you been in therapy and dealt with your issues whatever they are your sexual issues your traumas you know I can't you know recommend therapy enough I think all need therapy it is a I think it's a requirements essentially like getting a second opinion on your life it's not this thing I think people still have a stigma around it but that's the second pillar is your health and wellness how good are you with that and some days so well I'll walk through how to use these in a second but the third one is is your self-awareness and so or self-knowledge self-knowledge is about how well do I know myself like I know that if it's cold in the house I'm not going to have sex so do I know do I know that certain positions are that I require foreplay before sex is going to happen or I know that I need lube or I know like what have you learned we all have a sexual history whether you've been with three people or thirty people or had sex with someone one time or ten times you know what you need like you know the bare minimum of what you might need and you might know more than others and hopefully this this will help people do a deeper dive like what do you need the fourth one is self-acceptance do I accept my body where I'm at today do I accept my experience do I accept just is it this is more about confidence do I give my accepting where I'm at today and then the fifth one which is a really important one is collaboration and that's communication how well do I communicate with my partner about what I need my desires my turn ons I've got a lot of great tips in the book that want walk the whole like I think one of my favorite chapters is a communication chapter because I know how hard it is for people to have conversations about sex and I'm gonna go on a limb and say that nine out of ten couples have not had healthy healthy conversations about sex like really where they're like what is my turn ons what do I need what's a requirement for me or they maybe they had it once a few years ago like I'm saying couples I want people to have these conversations all the time and how you work through these pillars is and we can get into that but I'll literally do a note in my phone and be like okay because I know how important sex is I'll think okay where am I at all these today okay well I didn't work out so I don't feel it's great or I haven't talked to my partner about this thing that's been bothering me so that's gonna impact it so if you look at all of these pillars and you run through them you can diagnose and you can figure out what's going on with your own body yeah I like so there's it's interesting that you're saying all these because there's things that you can do with your partner that I think together that help tackle some of these like together like yeah exercising together could be great because it puts you both in your body there's typically communication there's a level of vulnerability when you exercise with someone because you're struggling you're sweating you're grunting so once you get comfortable with that's like we're already kind of comfortable with each other so and I can see that with massage too like massaging your partner because you're touching each other you're in your body oh I'm comfortable now with my body he's already touching me or she's already touching me and then you know you're able to progress from there so and so you're saying because you've been doing this for a while you're saying most things you can pretty much boil down to these five so if you're having challenges look at these five areas those five and kind of dive in and see which one resonates yeah exactly look at your hormones and and and it might be yeah there might be it all that some people like oh god all those areas I'm not great at like no one's getting all you know pluses and all those but it's just yeah it's an area start with the low hanging fruit by the way you you mentioned health as trainers we all notice this anybody who's listening as a trainer coach right now will attest to this one of the most common I guess pieces of feedback we would get from clients was that that's sexual sex their sex life got better yes and we're just we're just working I was just gonna say I mean obviously we're biased because we're in the health space but I would think that that has to be the the most important or one of the most important because I'm gonna say it is okay good because it just feels like that is that there's so many things that could impact that everything from like you said the drugs the hormones the energy level I mean even how healthy you are will probably affect yourself confidence and that side I feel like if we had to pick one of these five that is probably leads in all categories it really does I can't I can't tell you how many times I'm like why are you moving your body are you eating correctly are you yeah lifting weights yeah all the things are so important but if you're not if someone isn't and they haven't moved their body and they haven't it's literally bluff it like if you you're not gonna have any energy down there in your public area your your penis your vagina like they're just yeah if you're eating bad you're inflamed your digestion like anybody ever want to have sex when you're you know constipated or diarrhea like nobody wants to have sex like exactly so if you I could just imagine the health thing being huge you have to be like the first yeah it's weird people don't really connect it I mean time they now hopefully that now they will and we're teaching a lot of people about people just think it's sex is sort of this magical how many people think about is like this I don't really know how it works but like I'm just going to close my eyes hope for the best right but it's all related I think it's because we all know how good it feels so we just assume that it should be so easy because and both people should want it all the time we all know if you've experienced sex that you know it's a good feeling how about this you mentioned like how comfortable you are in your own body and a lot of people feel shame about their body or maybe they hate their body we deal with this a lot in the fitness and health space part of it is we tend to consciously or subconsciously compare ourselves to the you know the super rare perfect bodies on social media without realizing it we scroll through we look at them we can't help but make ourselves compare ourselves I don't look like that and my partner might want that and I don't and so then I don't want to get naked and oh no he's going to see me in this particular way or she's going to see me in this particular way in the light do you ever recommend to people like get off social media stop looking at the because it's making you feel bad about yourself or comparing yourself in unrealistic ways often yes compare and despair is just so detrimental it's yeah get it start following sex positive accounts things that make you feel good bodies that make you feel good I think it's so healthy is just if someone's not making you feel good unfollow them right now like pick up your phone right now and who said when you're looking at an account something comes up and it makes you go cringe unfollow them and try to fill your brain you know whatever we focus on becomes our reality so if you start to focus on things that make you feel good and I have a lot of also exercises in the book about how to do this like really like mirroring exercises where you're looking at your body in the mirror and you're looking at the things that you actually do like and appreciate about your body when you feel comfortable with your own body naked because if you're not comfortable with yourself naked how are you going to feel comfortable naked with anybody else this body hate thing body discussed mean it's just it doesn't it does not work with sex okay and also and even if getting people I'm not saying you have to love your body but what I try to get people to is a body neutrality at least you're neutral if you're just neutral you're like I accept my body it's just it's going to help you so much in the bedroom feel connected to your sexuality because then you realize we all just have these bodies and really like so much of sex is your is your brain and your body connection and so if you can start just thinking thoughts that are going to make you feel feel better about it and removing things like negative you know negative accounts of people that make you feel bad then this is really going to help you and people who do pride themselves or you see bodies that you think are you know a lot of people who are who are depriving or not eating or maybe they're really like thin or whatever you are aspirational I see who are depriving themselves like deprivation does not lead to desire like strong sexual Emily the most ripped we know this because this is our space I tell you the most ripped like fake whatever you know you look at them on on Instagram they have terrible libido yes exactly work they don't eat they are body obsessed body obsession does not lead to body obsession does not lead to body it's a great sex no no and body obsession is rampant in the health and fitness space and a lot of people that communicate health and fitness are body obsessed so I want to stay on the five pillars I have some questions I'm trying to relate it to fitness like how I would coach somebody in fitness so let's say you have these five pillars and let's say there's you know you kind of assess all of them would you coach somebody to look at it like oh man this is what I'm really bad at so I need to address that or here's one that I could be better at but I already kind of get it and would you tell someone to lean into something that they can move the needle the most I guess the way I'm trying to word this the best I can is like I've recognized in myself that there's been times in my life for sure I know that when I'm in the best shape I feel super confident we have this great sex but then I've also recognized other times where I'm like man I wasn't even in very good shape we're having some of the most amazing sex but I would attribute that to the other because the other pillars were going so good communication that it overpowered the insecure body feeling that maybe I've had in the past so knowing that about myself would would you coach someone to lean in to what they're already doing well and be great at it or look at the things you're terrible at and trying to address that I think it depends on the person but I think it's really good to like lean into what's easy for you and definitely do more of that but also like what is your way of doing that because I think it all matters like if you're like well I'm just going to keep working out because that's where I feel good I'm going to do more weights and I'm going to do more supplements I'm going to feel a lot better but you but as you're doing that you're spending more time at the gym more time we're got and you're loving your body but you have not collaborated with your partner at all you haven't told them what your desires are you even let them know that you you need sex in a certain way or you want to try things new that that is going to be detrimental so I think you kind of have to look at all of them lay them out so hard we like do this every day but kind of like look at your week and say because another thing about this this book is like it's also about pleasure and I think in pleasure not just in the sex realm but pleasure just in life like what are you doing that makes you feel that that is good for you and we're so we put pleasure on conditions like I only can have you know goes to whatever your pleasure they have dessert if I work out or I could only go see a friend or do this thing that makes you feel good if I check these 10 things off my list but pleasure is productive pleasure is going to pressure his presence and pleasure is going to help us feel better about every area in our life so if you kind of look at some of these things and say like I guess my point of that is that when we say we're going to do something every day that's really hard but we look at some of these areas and be like what could I do more of in my life what can I program in my life and look at overall that would I look at the week right not every day but okay so like I look at the pillar and I look like what can I do that's fun I haven't talked to my partner while they only need a date night because I think you were mentioning date night earlier Justin that it's like it's so true that date night there have been studies that show that couples who have date night once a week as a non-negotiable have much healthier stronger relationships so maybe you say on your date night that I'm going to try to work and find something that's pleasurable and I haven't been great at collaboration communication I'm going to plan the date night and then when we're doing that that's something that I already love and that feels good I'm going to do the yes no maybe less on that date night that's going to be a little something different I'm going to continue to work out I'm going to continue to work out and stuff but that well so you can kind of work it into other areas of your life because I do not want this to become another chore another burden for people I want this to be like fun because sex is fun everyone sex was fun and pleasurable and enjoyable like what the fuck happened that's actually my head alright so you had written down some notes for us to kind of ask you on and one of the things that stood out to me well there were a couple things that stood out to me one of them was that you wanted to rebrand anal sex yes now first off I think that that has become much more normalize over the last couple decades probably due to pornography I would assume okay so what do you mean by rebrand like what's going on there oh my god because because I think they get that's a bad rap okay so so it's aspirational people love it it's taboo definitely since porn it's become much more you know ubiquitous and everyone wants to talk about it but I think that it gets a bad rap because it's so like we feel like it could be such a that it is taboo it's wrong we've shame around it you know the anus is just for exiting or it's dirty or you know there's certain women I know who think like oh I'm gonna you know once I'm married or I guess I'll let my partner do it then but it's for his pleasure I'm talking about heterosexual couples right now okay so there's all these conditions and all these ideas we have around sex it's dirty it's wrong it's shameful and taboo but I want to rebrand it and say well wait a minute we all have anuses we all have assholes or everyone we do and it's packed with nerve endings and it can feel really like all of sex is nerve endings all of sex is literally stimulated finding the best and most efficient way to stimulate all these feel good nerve endings in our bodies that's not that it's blood flow nerve endings at the end of the day those of my bed like understand that so if that's true and I'm telling you that it is what if we figure out the best way to have anal play it doesn't have to be anal sex but and I have a lot of great you know tips on this but really most of us are doing it wrong so maybe we had anal and it was like the partner put it in without lube because one of my top tips is lube go slow and breathe but if it was just like a drunken night or it was the wrong hole because you thought it was something we've had bad experiences like oops wrong hole like oh no that's never again I'm never going to do it again but if you mindfully play starting with like maybe your finger and you explore and you're with a trusted partner and you feel safe and you learn to empty your bowels because yes it can be messy but like most of us know the right way to have you know no one we're going to have to go to the bathroom or not and just you just can kind of troubleshoot it I've actually found that when people take this into consideration reexamine their relationship to anal they actually have a really good time they like it and it feels good you know not for everybody but again nothing is for everybody no sex actors are everybody but I don't like rethink wherever they believe to be true about sex and kind of turn it on its head and go do I still believe that is that still true what else can I learn here there was a study that came out I want to say five years ago that kind of made mainstream a little bit on that and it said something like women who have anal sex are I remember how many times more likely to orgasm than women who don't I don't know if you read that or not but the speculation was that wasn't necessarily anal sex but rather that they were more open to doing more things and just more relaxed and therefore that led more to that make sense psychological aspect of it you can also like indirect stimulation to the to the to the G spot through anal sex that can also help but I could see someone who's just like open in their bodies there's again the more nerve endings we're going to stimulate the more potential for orgasm and pleasure and like your nipples to like there's like nipple nipples are related to the same regions of the brain that are stimulated the clitoris of the nipples are both activate the same regions the brain for orgasm like anal like we're it's all related even like our anus and our clitoris or penis and our ball like it's all it's like we separate it all because of you know religion and society we've had to like chop it up or anal sex just means you're gay if you're a man which you know it's who you're having sex with might decide that you're gay not that you want to feel good with these stimulates so so I think that's what's really fun to kind of that's why I spend so much time too in the book talking about shame and you know I think early on in the book I know you want my anal sex but first let's talk about shame because if we can get rid of the shame and the trauma and the stress if we're all going to have a really good time here well what is that process the rebrand called obviously so what's the rebrand called yeah yeah I don't know I think the word home away from home the other one yeah walking in through the back door booty I don't know I jacked you I don't know you titles right now I know where I was going was obviously you would recommend probably if someone's got a lot of trauma slash shame over something I think the default is therapy and work through that if maybe you've already done some therapy are there things that that person are exercises or things that you would recommend outside of the obvious therapy like for shame yeah shame stress and trauma and shame I think first it's examining your where your beliefs about sex come from so okay so I love this question because think about it right now like is there anything that you think about sex and you think oh god I can never do that like that's that would be wrong sure you know I think anal too so be like oh god it's just for exiting or that makes me dirty well then you get to go this is the exercise where does that come from huh where did that go oh okay that's right someone shamed me for that in high school like we all have different sources or the you know in church or my parents or someone I think someone's going to judge me and then you get to go oh that's the source that's not me that's not mine someone implanted that into my brain I get to separate from that that's not mine well how do I want to rebrand like what I want to believe what I want to believe and you could write affirmations like I believe that my body is ready and deserving of pleasure at all times I get to figure out what feels good to me I'm in charge of my own pleasure like all of these things like affirmations mirroring like looking at you know and just kind of rebrand re-learning and unlearning unlearning all the harmful messages around sex because really what is messing us up is that we don't feel safe talking about it there's been so much judgment around it that we just are like in these like sexual straight jackets I just want people to like remove that and that's part of it with shame so what is the source of the shame removing and then replacing it like reading listening to sex positive voices images and just kind of like yeah unlearning and then re-learning what are great ways to open up conversations like that with your partner because I know there's a lot of people listening who are like oh gosh you know there's this I have these this desire or I like these things but I don't know if I could tell my partner it's kind of embarrassing are they going to judge me what's this going to mean what are great ways to open I guess conversations and also there's what's the difference between fantasy and real life because I think a lot of people have they think if I say this then they think I really want this but it's really just a fantasy oh you're such good questions okay so well first let's do that and then I'm going to come back to the compliment sandwich so that's that that's my great I love that's like a great way to communicate but let's first talk about the difference in fantasies there's two kinds of fantasies there's a fantasies that you want to happen like I think it would be so hot if you tied me up you talk dirty we had a threesome like that has got to happen and then there's the ones that we just want to keep to ourself there's the ones that we just like to think about or the ones that we want to share what we don't really want it to happen but we're like I think this would this is what turns me on maybe we could like dirty talk it but mostly I guess let me make that clear there's the ones that we want to happen and the ones we don't want to happen we just want to think about them and it's okay to keep things to yourself too you don't have to share every thought with your partner okay it's okay that you fantasize about an X I'm gonna make people feel a lot better now it's okay that you fantasize about an X it's okay that you fantasize about that hot person you just saw on the street like that's all okay you don't need to share that with your partner but then there's the ones that you do want to happen okay that you there's the ones that you're like God I can't stop thinking about you in latex or I can't stop thinking about you having sex with somebody else so those those are the differences with fantasies and how does someone know the difference of that right so I think that's a great question I've heard people like I you know people where they'll have a fantasy but then they're then themselves like oh my god does that mean that that I really want that real life because I really really want that in real life you know like things like where sex is maybe more rough or public and they think well I wouldn't want to really do that in real life but why do I find that as a you know as a turn on type of deal yeah well I think that that's a great question I think you have to do some investigating okay so I'm gonna bring I'm gonna talk about threesomes because that's probably the number one fantasy for everyone for men and for women so let's say you're like I don't know if I want to actually have one I like to think about it I think it's really hot so and you could fill in the blank here with rough sex or dirty talk you think it's this this will work for any of that watch some porn with it with your partner and like just you know and I'll get to how the conversation about this first because they're like but I've never even watched porn that partner but let's say you turn porn and be like okay I'm I'm picturing the threesome happening you're watching my partner would I actually want this to happen then you can even take it in the bedroom you could dirty top it you could like work it out like workshop it like right now I'm picturing somebody like going down on you or you're with how does it actually make you feel in the moment that's a great way to test if it's something you actually want want to happen is by like bringing it close to the bedroom like through porn or through dirty talking and you get to kind of test like again embodied be in your body like how did that make me feel that make me like tense did it make me more open like what what did it make me feel so I think that's a great way to test it and again if you're in a relationship with somebody where you feel safe and again this whole talking about sex thing becomes a lot easier over time you will get as comfortable talking about sex like you're talking about the weather like overcast with a chance of orgasms today it will become just as easy and normalized so that's one thing I think that's how you know and again if you're with a partner that's safe like again with my partner we talk about all of it gets normal it just becomes like again I know that's you but yeah but it wasn't always like that with all my other partners like I had to learn to and find comfortable with it that we just sort of talk about things like I thought I wanted that now I don't guess we gotta reroute and find other things there are endless things that you can do in a relationship so it's okay if you try something out but it's not what you want you know so and you brought out the compliment sandwich or how to bring it out tell me about that okay so here's the compliment sandwich because this is a great way so let's say you've never talked about sex with your partner but there's something that you were like I just I don't know I really want will be a good thing here is there's something you guys hear like maybe it could be mutual masturbation maybe you're like I really want to try this try this so compliment sandwich you start with something that you love about your relationship your sex life you start with something like oh god I I can't stop thinking about how hot it was last night when we had sex I love the way you were going down to me I feel like you were doing all these things it was that was such a hot way to like come have an orgasm or something compliment something that just happened or something that you love about your sex life and then this is like the second part is where you bring in something that you'd like to happen and you know something that you constructive something that you want something that you want to try say you know what and I was just listening to mine pump I was listening to this podcast I was listening to sex with Emily and they were talking about mutual masturbate I think that would be so hot for us like I I feel like when we are so let me connect this so you're going down to me and I realize it felt really good and I there was this part of me that it was sort of stimulated by your tongue and your fingers I think it'd be really hot to try mutual masturbation together because I would love to use my toy and kind of explore this area and I'd love to see you masturbate because I realize I've never seen that and I think it would be you know just so hot for us to do it together and then you end with that's like your request that's like how you're requesting something and then you end with because I think the more we experiment with things together and we try new things it's going to make our sex life even hotter even better so you kind of the first piece of bread is like something that you love then the request or the suggestion and then you're like why it's good for both of you you could plug threesome into that I think it was so hot you know watching that whatever like usually threesome's come up I don't know this is you could be like I think it I don't know threesome's the tough one to work in here if you've never talked about sex but again that's a tough one to work in but anything is possible don't start with threesome but just talk about fantasies what are the three most memorable times you've had sex that's a great conversation starter with your partner I think the big challenge too is with couples is that for the other person listening that it may make them feel like they're not enough then for you or does that mean that you don't want me or you want this other thing threesome yeah any conversation that's true and so this is where it takes a lot of and this is why I spend so much time on this on my show and in the book is like when we bring up sex to our partner since none of us do it like we talk about health and nutrition way more easily like oh I've been wanting to lose some weight or I gotta start working out that's totally normalized but the second you save your partner let's talk about sex I'm gonna guarantee I'm gonna say that most likely they're gonna go into fight-or-flight they're gonna be like holy shit I'm not a good lover my penis is as bad as I thought it was or as small or you know like I'm fat whatever you think of we go to the terrible terrible place because it's not normal because we're like if you're bringing up a suggestion it must mean that I am a horrible person a horrible lover so this is where you say you have to say you know I am bringing this up I realize we haven't talked about sex a lot so this is how I encourage everyone to have these even if you're not ready for the compliment sandwich you say to your partner tonight many people you say and again there's time to do this so maybe it's not tonight if you don't have time but maybe it's your next date night and you say I realize and I want you to say because you're listening to this podcast it's a great way to give fodder that we haven't talked about our sex life very much and I've heard that couples that talk about their sex life have a lot healthier sex and I know that we kind of talk about it here and there but I wonder if you'd be open to adopting a new practice of talking about our sex life and then your partner might say well what's wrong what'd you hear what'd you think what do you want that will happen no I'm telling you I thought you might react that way and they actually told me that I got in trouble this I've never done this either I want to learn to be great communicators with each other because I think we can both agree babe we want to be great lovers to each other am I right yeah yeah okay good well apparently the way to do that is to communicate about sex and to be really honest and open and I don't think we've done that I don't even really know what it means yet but would you be open to talking about it and then just keep saying like I and then if they're not no couples who talk about sex being the sex life is over I would listen to that and I wouldn't continue to put remember it's not a one-time conversation you can listen to that and say okay it seems like a lot to come up for you here and then you can bring it up again I imagine there's a a table conversations around this right so the table conversations that I told you that we use is like all kinds of random stuff it has nothing to do with sex but it leads that many times right because it's just having good conversation but I bet Doug if you were to google like table conversations that are adult or a set there's got to be I was going to say this is a great hack because it takes the pressure off each other to talk about it's random random card that's why I love that yeah the cards are great yes no maybe this is I love that because it takes the pressure off and it's like I didn't bring it up here it is on the list you think about exactly I have a list of like 69 questions in the book convenient I don't know I was like I have so many I'm like I'm gonna make 69 and their questions like that like what's our biggest what's your biggest hurt on like what's what's the number one most you know what's your favorite part of your body what you're on your sexual bucket list you know there's 69 it was open to that page like skip around and be like have dinner that night have a glass of wine and be like let's do that because what I try to do is I try to give people these tips because I know how hard it is so there's like a whole there's a whole slew of different exercises that you can do but yes picking up the cards is an awesome way to do that that's awesome you know again you're such a great person because you've been working with people on this for so long do you find common questions among younger couples versus older couples or is it all kind of similar that's all the same yeah it's all the same it's how do we keep it interesting how do we keep it fresh how do we make time for it how do we keep you know yeah like how do we get our desire up or why don't I just you know maybe when you're a little bit older there's more questions about like you know desire or wetness or arousal or in that vein what about things that you've seen because like us you've been doing your profession for a very long time and I definitely see things different today that are challenges for people getting in shape and being healthy than what I saw 20 years ago has that evolved and changed I'd be interested to know what it is in fitness too that's so interesting but I would say that porn is one of them porn is a huge factor social media so whether it's just flirting online or seeing your partner on instagram and liking other photos and like I think there's always been jealousy since the beginning of time but that is sort of kind of the accessibility now it's just so crazy exactly it's so accessible but when it comes to sex specifically I would say I don't know I think probably porn there's a lot more sex I think both the good things is there's more sex toys and they're more accessible now and they're body safe they're not like all look like penises like that's the other thing most sex toys could fit in the palm of your hand and they're literally just little vibration machines that feel really great on nerve endings so they're not as as intimidating they're just as titillating not as intimidating I'm kind of thinking what else is the other thing I think maybe dating apps with cheating but I don't know about sexually what has really changed let's talk about dating apps so I saw kind of forget who talked about this our buddy Chris Williamson had somebody on the show that talked about how bad dating apps actually have been for partnering up and stuff and you know they're touted as amazing one in one in four couples meet online now and so we've pushed these dating apps so hard but what we're starting to find is it's starting to I don't know cattle like a small percentage are getting now a ton of a ton of access and people and then a lot of people are getting ignored which is yeah probably not good for us I mean what are your thoughts on on dating apps and where they're going I mean I can obviously we can we can we've already heard all the good cases you know somebody couldn't find somebody oh we met online we're across the world now we were in love and we're married but not a lot of conversation around the negative things around that what are your thoughts yeah you know I think that so you're saying like the algorithm is people just aren't getting picked and they're not getting any feedback on the apps yeah well so what they find is that like the top 5% of men are getting like 80% of the activity and like the top 1% get like all of it and every other guy yeah gets no like he gets ignored or whatever because I mean it mirrors the real world where you know men have to ask for women and women tend to be the ones that turn down but now it's like it's just amplified it yeah I could see that I could see and I have heard some of this too statistically speaking that that it is harder for people first I would say that there's a lot of dating apps out there so if you're on like Tinder or Bumble like those are the most popular ones to maybe find a more like niche app and then there's like there are because they're out there there's so many there's so many different ones you could find farmers only farmers only exactly I was gonna say that we love that example but it is true there's like apps for farmers there's like meetups okay so you're gonna think it's funny a meetups around forever there's different things that you can do like if you like to hike or you like to ride horses or you like to you know whatever you're cowboys or like to cook you could go you could clowns you could find and meet up in your area tonight meetup.com or meetup.org and you could find something happening where you're gonna meet people in real life who are sharing a common thing that you that you like to do is that's a good that's a really that to me out there that's very smart instead of like being so isolated yeah or like oh this has to be this formal day it's like instead I'm just gonna put myself in places with people that have things in common with me and then hopefully I meet talking them exactly and start talking to people I think we also practice and again too I think a lot of us just it's not as easy socializing anymore or maybe we never did if we grew up with like our phone you know everything's not done online now so I think it is a practice like we need connection and we need intimacy we require that another hack is like another thing to do is like say yes to things say yes to those events that you wouldn't like your neighbor down the street having a barbecue you don't love the neighbor but they might have some friends that you like or someone invites you to you know whatever those invites you get or you see something on instagram like they would show you things in your area like look up things happening in your area and go to it go to one thing a month or one thing a week that you wouldn't normally do because people are out there there are more single people than ever and start practicing or talking to people I would have to say I mean I would think that those are the two biggest things pornography and isolation pornography because you have just this over like this this this dopamine hits and you're becoming desensitized you have these unrealistic expectations maybe not as motivated to go meet anybody and talk to anybody because you're just at home by yourself then the isolation like I'm not around other people and it's easy to stay isolated I could order food I could stream movies I don't have to leave you used to have to leave when we when I was younger like you got to leave your house because you can't get food otherwise so you're forced to be out and meet with people so I think those are probably the two biggest things because they're showing now that younger people having less sex than ever exactly I think it is loneliness and I think it's apps everything's delivered we're literally not interacting with people anymore we are not and I think those are the two things and we need it we require it it feels better to go out and and meet people and to you know and I think that we've you know forgotten to do that but there are still people out in the world like they still want to meet you they do so I think then yeah taking yourself off the apps taking classes and I think trying to avoid the awkward you know kind of like scary parts of meeting people like we're trying to avoid that I feel like that's that's kind of like a necessary part of life and it's also like I don't know confident building and the turn on when you go out and you you know get over that I think that we forget how good it feels for connection I think there was something else too it's something I was just reading about same thing about how we I think it was about our weak ties might have been something but you know the weak ties like the people that you see every day at the coffee shop and people you see the dog park those those are like they show that the people the more weak ties someone has it's a silly name for doesn't sound important but they say it is an indicator of more of more happiness contentment just like having people in your circle getting out of your house like waving high to your neighbors or knowing somebody like at your class or at your gym those people are actually contributing to our happiness and our overall well-being and the weak ties really suffered you know the last few years well isn't it so isn't it true you can't we when we are online and communicating you can get the adrenaline the endorphin things like that but we miss oxygen unless you're in person exactly which is the feel-good hormone feel good the cuddle hormone the body the bonding hormone right so I mean which you would think is a very important key to have a really important healthy relationship good sex touch and connection and the best pickup if you guys are nervous about this like the best pickup line ever and we can't say hi yeah how's your day how's it going I mean that literally is the best right when you look so it's as high to you or how's your day yeah oh good how are you I mean great how's it going have you been here before what's the other thing to Emily's I remember when I first like fell in love with my wife like I just loved like the smell of her skin and just being around her and there's lots of things that we haven't yet quantified I mean we could talk about pheromones I mean there's studies that show that women can smell a shirt that a man wore and identify whether or not they'd find him attractive with like 80% accuracy if you do everything digitally you are eliminating that part that's this kind of subconscious like you know our DNA matching desire type thing and you're just like basing off their picture how much they earn what they do for living what they like and it's like ordering menus and body language 70% of our communication body language yeah and it seems like the same thing with fitness too that we'll see like people avoiding these big compound lifts and you know this is something that we're always trying to sell is like one of the most effective ways for you to you know achieve a lot of your goals and but it's hard work and it's uncomfortable and it's like there's a learning curve to it and you're gonna suck at it and it's like the same thing if I'm trying to meet somebody in person it's you're gonna stumble a bit like it's gonna you're gonna trip a little it's gonna be kind of awkward but the more you like face that and you know you go through that journey and that process you get better at it and it it it richens that experience exactly it's so true I mean I think I definitely I mean I think we all did had less of it the last few years or we've kind of become more isolated but the more you do it it's like everything's a muscle dating is a muscle talking about it's a muscle you have to keep it's an exercise to have it you gotta keep going you gotta keep working it and if you don't do it it is going to be a little uncomfortable and awkward at first or if you're just getting out of a relationship and you're newly single that's also a habit it's hard to date again but you gotta do it and everything gets easier over time everything's gonna be a little less awkward I have a bit of a controversial question to ask you yes do you think that this boss bitch movement that's happened in the last two decades has helped or hurt women as a whole as far as their sex life do you think it's helped them get better more sex or do you think it has hindered their sex life oh my god that's a great question how would you define like a boss bitch somebody who's like I don't need a man the woman empowering movement to climb the corporate ladder make as much or more money as the man like be independent you don't need a man like that that movement is really climbed in the last 20 years and I'm not saying that it's necessarily bad or good I'm just curious to if you since you've been doing this so long had have noticed that you've get a lot of women now and they're 30 35 40 years old super successful maybe even great looking got all these things working for them but not having sex or not finding a partner that's such a guy I had I hadn't tied it to that movement but I think I think that it definitely so the yeah I mean I do I think that women trying to be more like men has been detrimental for our sexuality and polarity so this is a concept I don't know if you guys have ever covered like polar sexual polarity on the show and it's a little bit people get kind of tripped up with the term masculine and feminine but we all have masculine and feminine inside of us right so we all have a combination of that but in order for attraction to happen you need to have someone's leading and someone's following so traditionally the masculine is the leader and the feminine is the energy right and so so right now for example I'm I'm in my masculine right now I would say I'm I'm talking I'm doing a business and a lot of my day I'm in my mind I'm going to give you like a real-life example to explain this I'm a masculine but like I brought in a business I got people work for me I'm doing shit right like the getting shit done that is the masculine energy but in order for like sex polarity to happen you need attraction and you need the opposite just like think of like a like the the plus and minus of a magnet a magnet right so if you have two pluses you might it's not going to attract but you need that so that's what sexual chemistry is so in order for it to happen for example if I have a day at home I'm just going to give my where I am working all day and I'm in my but I want to feel aroused and turned on I know that I can't this is what my self-knowledge pillar I can't go from work to like being turned off my boyfriend because he is when when our sex happens he is more of the masculine I'm in the feminine I'm not dominating the bedroom sometimes I can but I'm more of a I'm more of the sub I think again you need that in all of sex you need to dominant sub to for leading a ballot so what I need to do is to get what I'm in my and also we work together like he's helped me with some business stuff like it's a lot of time and I know that what I need to do is I need to shut my laptop I need to take a shower I need to do some breath work sometimes I need to get it into my body into my feminine I need to move my body I need to dress in something that make me feel good put on like perfume make up get into a place where I'm feeling more in touch with my feminine because that is what I want to bring to the table and then when I'm more of my feminine he reacts by being more in his masculine right because he's also has a lot of feminine energy too like he's very nurturing and empathic and all these things but they work together synergistically so then I do kind of explain this more in the book but what is happening with this boss bitch movement is like I don't need a man I don't need anything but we're getting shit done and then there's no room there's no room for a guy if you're again heterosexual relationship but again gay couples and lesbian couples there's also masculine feminine energy because someone has to always lead and follow so if you're showing up like I got everything done I don't need a man then we all want to feel of use and utility so then there's no where for that person there's no vulnerability I think what we see with boss bitch in this movement is like there's no vulnerability there's no softness there's no opening for the masculine to come in so that's kind of how I see it does that yeah it does and I think it tends to be generally the male you know with the masculine the female with more of the feminine but it could be either or right you could have you know it'd be different but like I find that with my wife like I find her I mean the biggest turn-ons for me with her is when I see her like I came home the other day from work and she had both the kids and she was cooking and she was like nurturing and she was with my son and he was loving on her and holding the baby and I like I was like oh my god when they go to bed like it's because that for me was such a tremendous feminine she's nurturing she's caretaking she's empathic yeah and that for me was huge that's like a big deal and then like there was one time when I did this big sales presentation with a bunch of people and I'm standing you know doing my presentation or whatever she was in the back and afterwards she was like I'm so turned on but what you're doing because it was for her it was that energy that masculine energy so that's it the reason why I asked is I see actually lots of examples in my own family and my circles and friends with the women in there that are actually a very strong independent kind of have that that boss bitch energy and what I find and they they're challenged in the relationship and sex department and what I see is that they have this really high masculine energy but yet they're also physically attracted to that masculine energy and I feel like if you're a female and you have that much masculine energy you're probably most likely going to need a partner who has a lot of feminine energy to probably match me well but they don't want that they don't want the beta dude or the guy that's not a go-getter it's like they have all this masculine energy but then they also want someone at their level or higher and I think it just it just shrinks yeah I could totally see that and what I would say to these women is that I would I see them as being really disconnected and not embody at all and not in touch with their sexual energy and not in touch with who they are and what they want and you know when we start to you know sex beget sex so the more we get to like cultivate our sexual energy and I think that it's really hard to be in your in your masculine all day long and you know I would ask how often are these women like moving their body are they dancing are they masturbating are they in touch with their their whatever makes them feel feminine and I think that that's what is attractive to the more like alpha types that you're talking about but there there's no they're not showing any that they're going dinner and they're interviewing the guy like on their date they're like putting it out there like what do you do for me what are you doing but someone and they get this is all generalizations stereotyping but if you're in that masculine you're not going to see where you it doesn't mean in softness and vulnerability is not weakness so I think for these women they do like this is a like I I've been there too I've been places where I'm so in my thing and I'm not and I have not softened that either so I've had to learn this as well of like allowing someone to to care to care for me to show my vulnerability and so that's a practice because I think that being tough and being out there it's like it's not okay and I think that to find what you want you have to learn to be more in touch with your yeah I find that you would be a great you're a great example this because I think of you a bit as a kind of a boss bitch chick you have all these things going for you like that very independent probably necessarily don't need a man financially and things like that so how has that been in your life do you typically are the men that you date or been with are they typically very feminine because of that or have you been able to navigate that where you know you want this masculine guy so you know how to make that switch of like okay at work I can be boss bitch but then also when I transfer over into my relationship I need to learn to switch over like what is I think I've done but I've had both yeah I think I've definitely had both kinds of guys that I've dated I think that I need guys who are very like empathic and vulnerable and maybe they're just in touch with their feminine more so but I think I've been attracted to all different types but I also am very vulnerable like I always have a lot going on and I like I've always need a lot of I don't know like certain things are harder for me like business stuff so I've also dated guys who are really good at like helping with my business and so I you know it's like my current guy but I think I've just been in touch I'm more attracted to the person I guess I don't know I want somebody I don't need somebody to take care of me in the traditional way but I want somebody who can I don't know what am I looking for I'm looking for have you seen that I mean have you had it can you give an example or can you think of a time where that has like you because of your energy your masculine energy that it's conflicted with the partner where it's like you know because you are that way and then maybe you get a guy that is a little more alpha or masculine and that is an area where you guys conflict because you have too much masculine yes absolutely and then it doesn't really work but I think it's like nuance because it's like how do we get together like there's sometimes with my partner like I want him to I don't know I mean it's a really good I'm trying to think of it's just a ballad it's all a dance because it's not just about the sex it's about like how do we communicate how do we handle different areas of our life how do we you know I think I want somebody who's got his own stuff going on and he's got his own like life like I don't want to be the one who's taking care of everything so I think for me the man who's understands his purpose like the masculine is someone who's got a purpose and they they are very purpose driven and they are very like independent and they have their goal-setting and they are sort of a they're structured and so I'm very attracted to that even though I have that so I feel like that is but that I need to be someone's too much like that I also need somebody who's has like the empathy and the softness too so I don't know I guess a man that's not in touch with this feminine is probably not going to be able to understand yours exactly so that's probably why it's so important yeah I think it is yeah exactly I mean I need someone I think nowadays too there's just there's just I don't know there's just more room and more space I think for men to really start to to feel more and to also own their masculine but for me personally I've dated someone like if you find up all my boyfriends they would all be very very different really yes I think now I'm thinking about them but I think my boyfriend now is a little bit more like he's got two daughters like he's a little bit more maybe I don't know maybe he's more in his feminine sometimes and but then we're both like talking business like it's so not hot so then I have to get more of my feminine when he goes there because I see this too I'm like oh god I've been like such a nightmare lately I have to really kind of like bring it and then I try to do my things like I'm gonna make dinner or I'm gonna like we're gonna go in nature we're gonna hike we're gonna because that is the feminine well that's I think that's what I'm searching for from you because I think you are such a good example and I don't necessarily think that like because you've dated over the spectrum that's it's good or bad or really explains it's more like imagine if you've got those traits and you want a man who has also got some of those masculine traits there's certain practices that you probably have to put in place in order to get that or receive that kind of love from the type of man that you want because I think of these friends and family members that come to mind that are like this they really struggle they get one extreme or the other they tend to get like okay well I have all this masculine energy so I need to find this like super feminine guy then they get this guy that's like super beta he has no purpose he's not driven he's like I'll be a stay at home dad I got no problem with that and she's like oh god I don't want that you know I want a guy that's at my level and pushing me but it's like okay well then you get that guy and that guy's very purpose driven he's a leader he wants to run the house he wants to run the show it's like and you're definitely not that chick so like how does that they need to I would tell these women that they are so in their mass that they just do some work cultivating their feminine they need to turn off their you know turn off their phones take some more time off work go do like a yoga retreat spend time in the ocean in nature cooking getting back to themselves masturbating I'm telling you like self love taking baths these are all the ways that getting really going on a women's retreat honestly doing those things and sustaining it not just to go weak in Mexico and then they come back and they go back it is a it is a this is something I say was daily it's breath work it's meditation it's connection it's journaling it's it's all the things they're kind of in the zeitgeist right now manifesting but that is all the feminine and so if they are very if they're if they think about the women do they do any of those things the women I'm talking about you know some of them do and I think I think what some of them also because you touched on it earlier that I think is connected to how we were imprinted like from our parents like so the women that I'm thinking of they had very strong independent women moms that basically told them that when you don't need a man you go you make your own money you do this and empower them and they ended up being these great successful smart women now but they have that imprinted that they need to be this type of a woman so much where they probably need to they can't be often they're vulnerable they need to they need to unpack that unravels unravel that more and go like it's you know because they I know they do a lot of the the yoga and touch their body and some of the things are saying so I see that side I think they they're sexual they come they grew up in the sexual family that I already told you about so I think they have that aspect going for them positively but I think that they've been told that they need to be this strong woman and not need a man per se that's definitely the last 20 30 I had that as well I had that same up my mom was like never rely on a man take care of you I was like okay like I guess I got to do it on my own right and I did and like yeah I think some of that has probably been detrimental because I didn't really understand the need for I had so many fears around partnership and I can do it all my own and then I realized like no I do I do want a partner and then I had to do a lot of work on what I actually want and thinking about all the things not just like you know you could write down things that I want to have look a certain way like it's about like manifesting or being just very fucking clear and specific like how do I want to feel with this partner like I have them do some exercises about what do they actually want in a partner like what do you want to feel with them what do you picture it like picture you know as it already is like what are you guys doing on a Saturday together what are they what are they wearing what role are they taking in the house what do you how do you want to feel with them you know you want do you want to feel love do you want to feel cherished you want to feel safe and then you got to like really do the scenarios like walk and then unlearning all the other things like maybe they were dating toxic guys it didn't make you have to think about what you actually do want and I but I have a show up podcast I did on manifesting your partner which I don't often talk about manifesting and feel like oh god that guy you might lose people with that but the truth is it science it's energy it's like where you put your attention that's what's going to happen to you so getting really clear because when you get clear on anything then you see it you see it and then you're like oh that is not attractive to me that person is nowhere on my list like I had a note in my phone of all the things that were really important to me in a partner and I was able to you know find that very fucking clear it's like when you buy a new pair of shoes and you start noticing everybody has their whole time you know what's so terrible about that message that you don't need you know because replace it with you know don't say a man you don't need a partner yeah everybody needs people we do that's such a crazy message to sell to anybody and it's it's like man tend to be told like if you settle down with a partner or you find a partner it's it's not fun it's not going to be exciting you should just go make money and just go hook up with people don't have any deep connections which is also another terrible message I think we're being so terrible message are being so terrible message there's no depth to that there's no substance in like studies and studies time again they will tell you that what we really need to be happy at the end of life people say it's their connections yes people it's it's that's why this loneliness epidemic truly is an epidemic we want connections we want intimacy we want trust we want all of those things you think the reduction the fact that people are having less sex is connected to the side effect of that yeah loneliness isolation so you know technology and maybe there's been a reaction to like the hug up culture now it's like don't hook up and so yeah I think you really do you think there's a bit of pendulum swing back I do I do like I think when I first started like and here's a thing like maybe almost 20 years ago there was like six or seven books that came out about like the hook up culture it was about hooking up but what the hook up culture was people having sex and feeling like they're like liberated but that's not embodied sex that's not present sex that's not connected that's not the best you're like totally disconnected so then maybe that on top of like you know young people like even during the pandemic and social media the apps and all those things and maybe parents being more like I don't know I you know I kind of talking to their kids about safety and I don't know the results that we're just seeing like less sex happening I heard someone on a podcast talk about how one of the risks of having multiple partners especially for women is that their ability to pair bond can become challenged or or lowered with each successive partner because of the way women's bodies and brains react to sex with the oxytocin and so on and so if they start if they are with tons of partners or they treat it like this trivial thing that they start to prevent their ability or reduce their ability to pair bond later on is there any truth to that I haven't heard that I haven't heard that study but I could see I don't know about that study because they more variety maybe more things to just viewing the the act is this like just physical trivial thing and so they prevent themselves or block out their ability to you know it's this whole hook up culture like side effect where it's like oh it's just sex just keep doing it it's no big deal and they they're separating it from this deeper I do see that I definitely see it being like young people saying oh I I'm very liberated like I had a young like a friend's kid who's like in college like 20 years old and she was like oh I I I feel so like liberated right now because I'm having sex with she's like I'm having like I have a friends with benefits like it felt super liberating I was like what what is that benefit she's like oh well you know we went we ordered pizza together we had sex I gave him two blowjobs and we be a pizza we fell asleep we went out the next day as friends I'm like okay but what is your benefit what did you get from that situation like did he go down on you did you have any pleasure and she's like no no but she just felt like I could have sex like a man if you will I could have sex and then be friends with them and like that was missing the whole point of like connection and into me so I think that maybe you could feel like I'm just like I feel like that that whole mentality of a hook up like I did it and I didn't care I didn't catch feelings that it's that whole like I'm going to have sex and I'm not going to catch feelings so that makes me somehow like I don't know like it makes it superior and disconnected but once you learn what great sex