Welcome to the Fiji Symposium 2019 in Cairo, Egypt, where I'm very pleased to be joined in the studio this morning by Mr Esam El-Saghia, who is the Chairman of Egypt Post. Mr El-Saghia, welcome to the studio. Now, I'd like to start off by talking a little bit about the ffintech sector. How do you see the ffintech sector reshaping digital financial services? Look, I think it was the current e-services or digital services when wanted or requested by most of the customer without the ffintech and without having a digital identity. A digital profile for every customer will never be able to give digital services or e-services or even just provide the service through a mobile. Second, we have 4,000 branches distributed all over Egypt. You require a lot of infrastructure to be able to link a 4,000 and serve about 14 million working citizens every month. You need to shorten the time. You need to have all the services automated from the same counter to cut the time required by every customer. You need to have a digital identity. That's why using the ffintech and technology and ICT, we're going to a biometric identity for every customer. If you work with most of your customers, our categories C or our rural areas or our remote areas, some of them they don't even have to sign or try, then biometric identity will save a lot of time, will give them a trust to use the services. It will require some culture change to be able to do this, but I think we are on the right map. So definitely technology and ffintech will reshape the services for the next two, three years, and that's what will happen for the last two years as well. I usually change now from a normal standard on the counter services to mobile and digital services, and definitely this will again play a big role in financial inclusion. It very much seems to be the future. I wanted to ask you from your perspective, what role can governments play to enhance the usage of digital financial services at the national level? Look, in our stage in starting a national database, we just said we need an additional identity and we need a customer profile. This will require a lot of change in policies, regulations to have a digital signature as an example, to access a citizen or a customer's database in different governmental, and sometimes you find this is a challenge to share citizen databases. This has to be done through the government. You need to change the regulations for people to start to use mobile. Government rules and services need to give a lot of incentives to citizen to start to use these services or digital mobile, or even to just have the financial services. Sometimes the loss of trust of the financial services will keep people away, especially if you serve in the rural areas and everyone used to work in cash. They don't trust yet the government. I give you a very good story. We started to give a debit card to every customer and to collect their at least pension. We hand over a pension for a 7 million citizens. So an old lady, she got a salary of 1,770 pounds. She went to the ATM. We helped her a lot to use it. She was draws at once and was standing in the queue to collect the 7 Egyptian pounds, because the ATM count had 7 Egyptian pounds. We said, it's okay. She said, no, how I know that it will remain my account. I will stand in the queue to collect it. This requires some time for people to start against the trust of the system. No, it's okay. Even if you leave it, you will have an interest on it. Next month, she did not withdraw the full amount in the first day of the month. She started to use it to pay through the supermarkets and is it easy? No, it's not easy. It took some time, but I think we are on the right track. What will it take for the world's poorest people to prefer digital financial services over cash? Will digital financial services be enough for this to happen? Can I just say a digital financial services for this category of customers? You need to build or form the right product for them. You need to build, as you said, the trust. You need to reach them and speak the same language. Sometimes you have the right product or you have a fantastic product, but you don't speak the same language of these people. That's why there is a lot of trust between a customer or citizen and the post office. If you go to a small village, people speak the same language. They have the same culture. That's why you find a lot of trust. You find a lot of... They are families. You know everyone by names. So it's very easy for them to take the product and convince people that this is better. Once we talk to this channel, it is doing very well. So first we take them to the right... or create the right product. Speak the same language. Have everything very simple, very straightforward for them and easy to use. Today we just said our strategy for financial inclusion that provides service to anyone, anywhere, anytime. To discuss, it requires what we just said, that you need to reach people everywhere. You need to speak the same language. You need to have the right product and in any instrument. You need a very smart mobile phone to be able to do it. You have to see what type of phone actually are you using and you have to enable it. Thank you very much for sharing some of these valuable insights with us and we look forward to catching up with you again some stage in the future.


We're here at the World Conference for International Telecommunications or WICIT 2012 in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, and I'm very pleased to be joined by Sebastián Belagamba, who is the regional director for the Internet Society for the Latin America and Caribbean region. Sebastián, thank you very much indeed for being with us today. Thank you. I'd like to start off by asking you about the Internet Society and really what it's involved with and what it does. Well, the Internet Society is an international non-for-profit, non-governmental organization which was created 20 years ago. We are celebrating our 20th anniversary this year, which in Internet terms is a really long time. We basically are in the business of promoting the Internet. We consider the Internet is for everyone and our mission is to promote the open use and evolution of the Internet to the benefit of all people around the world. Obviously a lot is being talked about the Internet at the moment. What are your initial impressions here of the conference? The conference is really good, it's a very interesting conference. It's something that does not happen very often, so the multiple issues that has to be addressed are very, very interesting. What is the present situation with regards to Internet in the Latin America and Caribbean region? Well, we are doing well, but not that well. The current Internet penetration rate would be around 40% in Latin America and in the Caribbean average. The problem is that it is an average, so that means that certain countries are lagging behind big times, so we have to work for that. As we always say, we have a 40% penetration in Latin America, which is good. No technology has spread that fast as the Internet, but we still have the other 60% to work with. Because it's a very big region, so obviously there are all sorts of different regional concerns and local concerns within that region, I presume. Absolutely. And different situations too, cultures, languages and also the socioeconomic impact on different countries in that sense. And what's your impression that the future will be like for the Internet in the Latin American region? We're growing fast, we're doing well, we are catching up. Our prediction is for 2015 we would reach 60% of Internet penetration in Latin America, which is a 50% improved from the current situation. So that's looking good. As I said, we have to work hard with those lagging behind, that's the key. And how do you think you'll be able to achieve that? There are several tools to achieving that. We have to work on several technical issues, we have to work on socioeconomic issues too, and we have to make tools available to everyone in order to spread the Internet. Sebastian Bellagamba, thank you very much indeed for being with us today. Thank you very much and it's been a pleasure.


On Wednesday, after days of protests seeking justice for the death of George Floyd, Minnesota's Attorney General added an upgraded charge of second-degree murder against the former Minneapolis police who killed George. This could be a relief sign the U.S. needed to de-escalate the unrest in the U.S. Meanwhile, President Trump announced he didn't go to a bunker to hide from protesters on Friday, but instead he went there to inspect it. On Wednesday, Bank of Canada kept its interest rates unchanged. The Bank of England is reminding British banks of the possibility of a no-deal Brexit, and we found out that the coronavirus pushed up German unemployment in May. Welcome to the Tick-Mill Update, I'm Kiana Daniela, founder of the Investiva Movement. Make sure to subscribe to the Tick-Mill YouTube channel and support us by liking and sharing this video with your forex-trading friends. Thursday will be consumed with the ECB rate decision, Canada's balance of trade, and the U.K. consumer confidence. Today I'm looking at the dollar-y-an-pair, which broke above the daily Ichimogu Cloud on Tuesday and confirmed the bullish momentum on Wednesday after consolidating for over 45 days. The pair is now headed towards the key resistance levels of 109 and 111. We could expect a temporary pullback as the pair hits the 109 resistance level, which could provide an optimal buying price for the market bulls. How high do you think the dollar-y-an-pair will go this week? Head over to the comment section and let me know. Of course, trading the financial markets involves a risk of loss and it should only trade the money that you can afford to lose. If you liked this video, give it a thumbs up and subscribe to the Tick-Mill YouTube channel. I'll get back to you with more updates tomorrow.


run the teams run entirely? We weren't entirely prepared but we just put everything in God's hands and we just come out and execute. Yeah of course what were the instructions from the coach? Just free, come out and just do what we know what to do. Malik you got the baton with some work to do on the ankle leg. What was it like though running against the how much did they exert some energy out of you? None. I was really sad you know. Sad. Yeah well you didn't know that you came in here as a bronze medalist in the under 17-100. Did you think this team, this caliber of team that you put together was always going to win this gold medal? Yes sir. We know we're going to win it sir. It was very confident.  That they do on the 20 boys a 4 by 100 final coming.


As with capital structure, taxes are also an important market imperfection that influences the firm's decision on distributing dividend as cash payment to the shareholders or in the form of repurchasing shares from these shareholders in the open capital market. Shareholders pay two types of taxes on their income. The first tax is the tax on their dividends and the second is the tax on their capital gains they earn in the capital market. If tax rate on dividend is greater than tax rate on capital gains, the shareholders will prefer to go for a repurchase transaction than to receive dividend in the form of cash. Also, a high tax rate on dividend prevents a firm to raise funds to pay shareholders as cash dividend. This means that in the firm, in the world of no taxes and issuance costs, if dividend is paid through the issuance of equity, then this means that the shareholders are not better off. This means what they are getting. In fact, they have already paid. This means that the amount they are receiving in the form of dividend is the amount they have paid to the firm in the form of proceed against the sale of issues. So in net, shareholders are getting nothing. But if the tax rate on dividend is greater than the tax rate on capital gains, shareholders will lose their initial investment that they had made in the firm's stock. To understand this, we have an example. The firm is raising new equity to the tune of $10 million and the firm is planning to pay this amount to the shareholders. So the total dividend in the form of cash is also equal to $10 million. Then the question arises that how much will shareholders receive if the tax is if dividend tax rate is 40% and capital tax rate gain tax rate is 15%. Now we see that the dividend receipt is equal to $10 million and there is a tax rate on this dividend by 40%. So the tax to be deducted from this receipt of $10 million is $4 million. Now as the firm is paying its 10 million cash to the shareholders, so there is declined by $10 million in the firm's overall value. This means that the capital gain of the shareholders will also be reduced by $10 million. So there will be a reduction in the capital gain tax paid by the shareholders to the tune of $1.5 million. Now in net, the shareholders are paying $2.5 million as a tax on this proceed of $10 million. But after making a payment of $2.5 million, the shareholders will be receiving a net proceed of $7.5 million. So there is a decline by $2.5 million in the income of the shareholders. So what would be the optimal dividend policy in the world of taxes? We have seen that if the tax rate on dividend is greater than the tax rate on capital gain, the shareholders will pay lower taxes in case of repurchase than the cash dividends. This means that this tax saving will also increase the firm value accordingly. And to equate investors of such firms, it is better that dividend paying firm needs to pay a higher amount of pre-tax return to the shareholders. And if the tax rate on dividend is greater than the tax rate on capital gain, the optimal dividend policy is simply that pay no dividend at all. Then if this is the policy, then why firms are paying cash dividend to the shareholders across the globe? This phenomena is now termed as a dividend puzzle in the corporate finance world. And that phenomena says the fact that the firms are continuing issuing dividends despite of this tax disadvantage.


There was a time when Robert Morris actually had pretty decent doctrine, but now even though Jesus was fully God, he completely laid down his divinity when he was on this earth so that he could be fully human. The Bible says that he is Emmanuel, which is with us is God or God with us. He also calls himself God.  Thomas calls him God. The Pharisees claim that he's calling himself God. He doesn't deny that. Why? Because he was God and he was God even at that time. And let me just prove it to you in Scripture. Philippians 2 verse 7 says he gave up his divine privileges. He took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being.  He's always been God. He can never cease to be who he is. He believes that Jesus needed the power of the Holy Spirit to function and he also believes that that same power of the Holy Spirit can function in us and we can have the same sort of power. If you can't get the deity of Christ right, then what else are you getting wrong?


Good afternoon. Misongosibu is my name from Market Force and I'm here to tell you about the super app that we are building for 100 million informal African merchants. So in Africa we have about 100 million dukas or kiosks, the small shops that actually serve about 90% of the population to get their daily food. That's about 1.3 billion consumers and this informal merchants transact over one trillion transactions in a year. So what does this market look like? It's mostly divided into two main players, that's the FMCG manufacturers and distributors. So these are your call gates, your Diagio, Elori, Nescafe, Coca-Cola, Danone. So mostly the day-to-day products that people actually consume. We also have the informal merchants serving as the main banking agents for most of the consumers in Africa. So that's across mobile money, insurance, banking and even for your bill pay for day-to-day. So paying for your TV you will go to your nearest informal merchants and that's why you will pay for the TV. So these merchants have three key main problems which is one is stock outs in the shops and expensive sourcing. Because they mostly have to close their shops to go into the wholesale providers for them to be able to get the products. And during this time they actually lose on sales or get the consumers frustrated. And because they do not have transaction history because of being under digitalized then they also have lack or lack access to credit because of informal transactions. That also leads to poor financial management across most of the informal merchants because of lack of tools and they aren't tracking their day-to-day transactions using any formal means so mostly they do pen and paper for that. So that's the person you're seeing up there is Lydia. You can see she's very happy and excited today. And that's because of the tool we've built called Reja Reja which combines all the services that these informal merchants offer into one super app. So when Lydia signs up on Reja Reja they get a wallet which they can use as they go to banking platform so they can deposit money there. They get paid through the Reja Reja wallet and they can also send money to their consumers through the same wallet. They can also buy products for their shop on the same platform and be able to restock without actually having to leave the shop to go to the wholesale business for them to get stock for the shop. And because of this digitalization we've also been able to offer better visibility to manufacturing and financial service providers. And these has helped them to access a wider retail base. They also are able to get real-time market intelligence and now have that are driven marketing and distribution to the market. So what has been our progress so far? Through this we've been able to get 5% take rate for the business and we also do a 10% take off on marketing and buy now pay later product which allows the retailers to be able to get the products without actually having to pay for them beforehand. So our traction so far we've been able to go into five African countries that is Kenya, Nigeria, Uganda, Tanzania and Rwanda. We are operational in 21 cities and are currently providing the service to over 200,000 merchants across these markets. So far we've been able to generate over 750,000 orders that's over a period of about 24 months. We've seen the retail merchant basket growth increase by three times over this period and have generated sales of over 120 million dollars in gross monthly revenue. So the team, we have a very exciting team and we've also been able to exit before in two companies. Our team covers professionals from Safaricom which is one of the biggest telcos in Kenya, American Express, Kenya Airways, PWC, PZ Cassons and the likes. So what is more important to me is actually what we've been able to do for the informal merchants. Now these are the people that are driving 90% of the economy in Africa. So when you grow the retail merchants you're actually growing the African economy in general. So I'm excited to tell you that since we started working with merchants we've seen at least 18% increase income for the merchants and that's because they can now access goods in real time and are also able to offer financial services to the end consumers because these are the people that they interact with daily. We've also been able to provide 100% financial inclusion for all the over 200,000 merchants that we are actually working with. So this means that now any merchant that is on the Redaraja platform they can access credit after transacting with us for over one month. And I'm also happy to say that we've created over 500 informal jobs in the economies that we are operating in. Thank you. You can reach out to find more to me on Marketforce. My song is Marketforce.io. Thank you.


the sense of guilt that we feel because we set a boundary with someone and the pain that creates in our emotions and our relational situations. The loneliness we feel sometimes because we stepped away from a toxic relationship the anxiety we feel because we stop trying to reach for perfection in our lives and we've got a reality check sometimes. The fear we have after expressing an opinion to someone who normally would have been quiet around because we dominated by their energy we found our no voice. I don't agree with that voice and all of it brings emotional relational growing pains and it's okay. I've gone through a lot of this in the last sort of decade plus and couldn't find anyone to say to me it's okay because if anything people tried to fix me like there was something wrong but there's nothing wrong with you. If you're going through that today in this season of your life you're having emotional growing pains it's all good as you change, reinvent, morph and shift into the next version of yourself.


CHAPTER VI. OF THE BEAST IN THE JUNGLE. He stayed away after this for a year. He visited the depths of Asia, spending himself on scenes of romantic interest, of superlative sanctity. But what was present to him everywhere was that for a man who had known what he had known, the world was vulgar and vain. The state of mind in which he had lived for so many years, shown out to him in reflection, as a light that colored and refined, a light beside which the glow of the east was garish, cheap and thin. The terrible truth was that he had lost with everything else, a distinction as well the things he saw couldn't help being common when he had become common to look at them. He was simply now one of them himself. He was in the dust without a peg for the sense of difference, and there were hours when before the temples of gods and the sepulchres of kings, his spirit turned for nobleness of association to the barely discriminated slab in the London suburb. That had become for him, and more intensely with time and distance, his one witness of a past glory. It was all that was left to him for proof or pride, yet the past glories of pharaohs were nothing to him as he thought of it. All wonder, then, that he came back to it on the morrow of his return. He was drawn there this time as irresistibly as the other, yet with a confidence almost that was doubtless the effect of the many months that had elapsed. He had lived in spite of himself into his change of feeling, and in wandering over the earth had wandered, as might be said, from the circumference to the centre of his desert. He had settled to his safety, and accepted perforce his extinction, figuring to himself with some colour in the likeness of certain little old men he remembered to have seen, of whom all meager and wisened as they might look, it was related that they had in their time fought twenty duels, or been loved by ten princesses. They indeed had been wondrous for others, while he was but wondrous for himself. Which however was exactly the cause of his haste to renew the wonder by getting back, as he might put it, into his own presence. That had quickened his steps, and checked his delay. If his visit was prompt it was because he had been separated so long from the part of himself that alone he now valued. It's accordingly not false to say that he reached his goal with a certain elation, and stood there again with a certain assurance. The creature beneath the sod knew of his rare experience, so that strangely now the place had lost for him its mere blankness of expression. It met him in mildness, not as before in mockery. It wore for him the air of conscious greeting that we find after absence in things that have closely belonged to us, and which seemed to confess of themselves to the connection. The plot of ground, the graven tablet, the tended flowers, affected him so as belonging to him that he resembled for the hour a contented landlord reviewing a piece of property. Whatever had happened, well, had happened. He had not come back this time with the vanity of that question. His former worrying, what, what, now practically so spent. Yet he would nonetheless never again so cut himself off from the spot. He would come back to it every month, for if he did nothing else by its aid he at least held up his head. It thus grew for him, in the oddest way, a positive resource. He carried out his idea of periodical returns, which took their place at last among the most inveterate of his habits. What it all amounted to, oddly enough, was that in his finally so simplified world this garden of death gave him the few square feet of earth on which he could still most live. It was as if being nothing anywhere else for any one, nothing even for himself. He were just everything here, and if not for a crowd of witnesses or indeed for any witness but John Marcher, then by clear right of the register that he could scan like an open page. The open page was the tomb of his friend, and there were the facts of the past, there the truth of his life, there the backward reaches in which he could lose himself. He did this from time to time with such effect that he seemed to wander through the old years, with his hand in the arm of a companion who was, in the most extraordinary manner, his other, his younger self, and to wander, which was more extraordinary yet, round and round a third presence. Not wandering she, but stationary, still, whose eyes turning with his revolution, never cease to follow him, and whose seat was his point, so to speak, of orientation. Thus in short he settled to live, feeding all on the sense that he once had lived, and depended on it not alone for a support, but for an identity. It sufficed him in its way for months, and the year elapsed. It would doubtless even have carried him further, but for an accident superficially slight, which moved him quite another direction, with a force beyond any of his impressions of Egypt or of India. It was a thing of the merest chance, the turn as he afterwards felt, of a hair, though he was indeed to live to believe that if light hadn't come to him in this particular fashion, it would still have come in another. He was to live to believe this, I say, though he was not to live, I may not less definitely mention, to do much else. We allow him, at any rate, the benefit of the conviction, struggling up for him at the end, that whatever might have happened or not happened, he would have come round of himself to the light. The incident of an autumn day had put the match to the train laid from of old by his misery. With the light before him he knew that even of late his ache had only been smothered. It was strangely drugged, but it throbbed. At the touch it began to bleed. And the touch in the event was the face of a fellow mortal. This face, one gray afternoon, when the leaves were thick in the alleys, looked into marcher's own at the cemetery, with an expression like the cut of a blade. He felt it, that is, so deep down that he winced at the steady thrust. The person who so mutely assaulted him was a figure he had noticed on reaching his own goal, absorbed by the grave a short distance away, a grave apparently fresh so that the emotion of the visitor would probably match it for frankness. This fact alone forbade further attention, though during the time he stayed he remained vaguely conscious of his neighbor, a middle-aged man, apparently, in mourning, whose bowed back among the clustered monuments and mortuary ews was constantly presented. There's theory that these were elements in contact with which he himself revived, had suffered, on this occasion it may be granted, a marked and excessive check. The autumn day was dire for him as none had recently been, and he rested with a heaviness he had not yet known on the low stone table that bore May Bartram's name. He rested without power to move, as if some spring in him, some spell vouchsafed, had suddenly been broken forever. If he could have done that moment, as he wanted, he would simply have stretched himself on the slab that was ready to take him, treating it as a place prepared to receive his last sleep. What in all the wide world had he now to keep awake for? He stared before him with the question, and it was then that, as one of the cemetery walks passed to near him, he caught the shock of the face. His neighbor at the other grave had withdrawn, as he himself, with force enough in him, would have done by now, and was advancing along the path on his way to one of the gates. This brought him close, and his pace was slow so that, and all the more as there was kind of a hunger in his look, the two men were for a minute directly confronted. Marcher knew him at once for one of the deeply stricken, a perception so sharp that nothing else in the picture comparatively lived, neither his dress, his age, nor his presumable character and class. Nothing lived but the deep ravage of the features that he showed. He showed them. That was the point. He was moved, as he passed, by some impulse that was either a signal for sympathy, or more possibly a challenge to an opposed sorrow. He might already have been aware of our friend, might at some previous hour have noticed in him the smooth habit of the scene, with which the state of his own senses so scantily consorted, and might thereby have been stirred as by an overt discord. What Marcher was at all events conscious of was in the first place that the image of scarred passion presented to him was conscious, too, of something that profaned the air. And in the second that roused, startled, shocked, he was yet the next moment looking after it as it went, with envy. The most extraordinary thing that had happened to him, though he had given that name to other matters as well, took place after his immediate vague stare, as a consequence of this impression. The stranger passed, but the raw glare of his grief remained, making our friend wonder in pity what wrong, what wound it expressed, what injury not to be healed. What had the man had, to make him, by the loss of it, so bleed, and yet live? Something, and this reached him with a pang, that he, John Marcher, hadn't, the proof of which was precisely John Marcher's arid end. No passion had ever touched him, for this was what passion meant. He had survived, and maundered, and pined, but where had been his deep ravage? The extraordinary thing we speak of was the sudden rush of the result of this question. The sight that had just met his eyes, named to him, as in letters of quick flame, something he had utterly, insanely missed, and what he had missed made these things a train of fire, made them mark themselves in an anguish of inward throbs. He had seen outside of his life, not learned it within, the way a woman was mourned when she had been loved for herself. Such was the force of his conviction, of the meaning of the stranger's face, which still flared for him as a smoky torch. It hadn't come to him, the knowledge, on the wings of experience. It had brushed him, jostled him, upset him with the disrespect of chance, the insolence of accident. Now that the illumination had begun, however, it blazed to the zenith, and what he presently stood there gazing at was the sounded void of his life. He gazed, he drew breath in pain. He turned in his dismay and, turning, he had before him in sharper incision than ever the open page of his story. The name on the table smote him as the passage of his neighbor had done, and what it said to him, full in the face, was that she was what he had missed. This was the awful thought, the answer to all the past, the vision at the dread clearness of which he turned as cold as the stone beneath him. Everything fell together, confessed, explained, overwhelmed, leaving him most of all stupefied at the blindness he had cherished. The fate he had been marked for, he had met with a vengeance. He had emptied the cup to the lease. He had been the man of his time, the man to whom nothing on earth was to have happened. That was the rare stroke. That was his visitation. So he saw it, as we say, in pale horror while the pieces fitted and fitted. So she had seen it while he didn't, and so she served at this hour to drive the truth home. It was the truth, vivid and monstrous, that all the while he had waited, the wait was itself his portion. This the companion of his vigil had at a given moment made out, and she had then offered him the chance to baffle his doom. One's doom, however, was never baffled, and on the day she told him his own had come down, she had seen him but stupidly stare at the escape she offered him. The escape would have been to love her. Then, then he would have lived. She had lived. Who could say now with what passion? Because she had loved him for himself, whereas he had never thought of her, ah, how it hugely glared at him, but in the chill of his egotism and the light of her use. Her spoken words came back to him, the chains stretched and stretched. The beast had lurked indeed, and the beast at its hour had sprung. It had sprung in that twilight of the cold April when pale, ill, wasted, but all beautiful, and perhaps even then recoverable. She had risen from her chair to stand before him and let him imaginably guess. It had sprung as he didn't guess. It had sprung as she hopelessly turned from him, and the mark by the time he left her had fallen where it was to fall. He had justified his fear and achieved his fate. He had failed with the last exactitude of all he was to fail of, and a moan now rose to his lips, as he remembered she had prayed he might not know. This horror of waking, this was knowledge, knowledge under the breath of which the very tears in his eyes seemed to freeze. Through them, nonetheless, he tried to fix it and hold it. He kept it there before him so that he might feel the pain. Not at least belated and bitter had something of the taste of life. But the bitterness suddenly sickened him, and it was as if horribly he saw in the truth in the cruelty of his image what had been appointed and done. He saw the jungle of his life and saw the lurking beast. Then while he looked, perceived it as by a stir of the air, rise huge and hideous for the leap that was to settle him. His eyes darkened. It was close, and instinctively turning in his hallucination to avoid it. He flung himself face down on the tomb, end of The Beast in the Jungle by Henry James.


Hello people, welcome back to another video. I'm going to be doing a little bit of a different video today I have to be really honest with you guys. I've Recently been taking a bit of a slump in my mental health recently and it's It's been been pretty hard to deal with it. It's been very very difficult to deal with Just like with anything any sort of problems or thoughts that I've had. I just thought that I would Come on here and talk to you guys about What's what's been happening and I want to talk a little bit about You know what depression is like for me Just so that I can get it off my chest and and hopefully if you're watching this and You're sort of in the same boat. We've been struggling a little bit lately. You'll find it somewhat helpful so I was diagnosed with Depression and anxiety when I was 14 years old I'm 22 now And it started Started with some anxiety issues the anxiety quickly turned into Low self-confidence. I Struggled a lot with interact with people. I didn't feel like anybody really wanted me to be around them It's probably something that's quite linked in with autism because Obviously, everyone was changing a lot and I Didn't quite grasp, you know what the difference is between myself and other people were at that time But the the low self-confidence and the anxiety problems quickly You know, it made me feel very helpless You know as the years went on going into maybe 16 years old. I You know, it started to get a bit more severe I started to self-harmed quite a lot I mean like my whole arm with my whole left arm left wrist both sides is just covered in Covered in scars because of this stupid habit that I had when I was younger.  So I it made me feel like I was doing something productive to Hurt myself It's really weird.  I Did it for quite a while? But that wasn't it really I was I was struggling on a daily basis. I was struggling with anxiety going to school in the morning and throughout the day and You know, I got worse and worse and sometimes I had a meltdown and panic attacks and stuff pretty much most days I Had a very supportive school like a school network over there for a Special needs unit when it's called the bridge And they used to go there quite a lot when I was feeling overwhelmed And a lot of the time after school, I would I would come back and I would go training or something I go to my taekwondo training Go I Go with you know, the usual low self-confidence and motivation I always had but It was more of a routine for me so although it was extremely Extremely difficult for me to go every single time. I still I Still went You know, I had panic attacks a lot on the way to taekwondo sessions And then after I'd finished my anxiety would sort of calm down a little bit because the exercise And then I would start getting depressed and stuff at night And at one point I was I was really addicted to Exercising a lot. I would I would exercise, you know until I threw up or something just I Would just constantly do it all the time any sort of free time that I had I would do it because it helped with my anxiety, but The long run I got a lot of light injuries and it made me very sick and skinny and my mean system was really bad I used to Have too much sugar Too much like way too much sugar. I would I would drink like a two liter bottle of coke I'd have like a bag of Harry Bows every night it was the It wasn't like The sugar like the taste of the sugar I needed. I Would have so much I would drink so much in such a short period of time that it would It would give me like a like a headache I would Have so much it would it would peak and then it would make me feel sick lethargic and ill And for some reason that That made me That helped a little bit of my anxiety and stuff So I do that quite a lot and that was pretty much a daily routine for me when I was younger Exciting the morning Overwhelmed at school Coming coming home eating Going to taekwondo often having panic attacks and stuff before Low self-confidence training feeling a little bit better with my anxiety coming home Feeling very depressed and You know upset with myself if I didn't you know reach these stupidly high expectations of myself at training and I would you know, I would exercise a lot and I would Drink loads of sugar And I would self-harm quite a lot That was pretty much all I did When I was younger, you know at school I would I would Study a lot. I would always try and read ahead of the the years that I was in so I wanted to go to university and stuff so I would Study hard. I would train hard, but I Didn't enjoy life at all When I was younger, it was absolutely hell for really alone really really just Unbelievably alone even the people who like I knew closely. I didn't feel like they really understood me. I Didn't feel like my parents really Grasp just how how much it was how difficult it was for me So the thing is with depression is that No one really knows how much you struggle with it. It's often the You know the people who are The strongest the most mentally strong the most emotionally strong people who deal with You know that the hardest amounts of depression the hardest level, you know that this really severe levels Know the people who want Like that they they've gone You know they could they couldn't cope with it and rightfully so it says very difficult thing to deal with So you never really know You know how it is for somebody They could be very emotionally weak and mentally weak and have a low amount of depression and that could be enough for them, but it's all superficial for how you view people and You know like I would say that I'm quite I'm quite a strong person I'd spent all those years just Doing things that I hated Doing things that are really tough for me Trying so desperately to interact with people even though it was just scared me shitless fighting competitions Despite just absolutely dreading the fall of it because of all the lights and the sensory stuff and The confrontation and stuff. I did enjoy it. I enjoyed doing it. It was it gave me life You know, it gave me it gave me something to focus on Every time I got in the ring When I was fighting I would envision My pain in my opponent. It wasn't like a personal thing. It wasn't like a Confidence thing or an ego thing.  I was always I've always been commended for Just how hard I've worked in The taekwondo sessions, you know It wasn't It wasn't always a hard session It really depended on how much effort you put into some into the work into the training And because of that You know, it was very very variable like how well people did go into those sessions And I just tried so goddamn hard every single time Because I knew that as soon as I Since I gave in to anything I Felt weak. I Feel like I I don't have the energy to go on anymore And I just I don't know. I don't know what I would do with myself at all And this is why I try so hard in everything that I do Just know a lot of people compete against themselves Some other people compete against other people For me, it's not that for me. It's You know, I'm competing against against this disease inside of me all the time Anxiety this depression constantly Constantly, it's very easy for people to Look at me and think He's cured, you know, he's got over it And it's not that you can't it's a chemical imbalance. It takes It takes ages to get rid of this. It's not something that goes away easily And even if you do put work in every day all the time for years and years and years it still hangs about Ready to just bounce on you when You feel that you're worst when you have a little setback.  It's more.  It's hot. It's hard to describe.  Sorry Depression is it's kind.   You don't appreciate the small beauties in everything, you know the It's the sunrise or the beautiful flower or the kind person or the Beautiful moment emotional moments You don't care.  You feel like it loves you You feel so warm and just feel so at home with it after all after a while of being like this after years It's hard to know What is you and what is Your depression anymore It's so tied into your personality. So so much a part of your Initial thoughts and emotions and feelings on things You feel like it's just ingrained in you. It's So digging its tentacles into your brain And it is becoming you and the more that you let the more that you let it control you the more that you Slump down into depression the more you think that is helping you but then You just fall down deeper into this hole At the moment that you think that you've you can control it And you stop putting measures in place. You stop exercising.     This thing that is just the most horrific event for everybody involved for yourself for other people around you just the worst thing It's nothing good that comes out of it Nothing at all. You can't experience life. You can't love you can't It's no hope because it's gone There's no second chance.  It's not something that can be easily easily understood It's not like it's not like being sad I'd prefer I'd love to be sad all the time It's so cathartic you can cry and you can feel better Depression is just that little parasite in your brain telling you that Everything's okay, and it's okay to be worthless, and it's okay That you're not gonna achieve anything in your life, and it's okay that nobody likes you It tells you all these things that sound like Good things sound like positive things, but really they're just not Because they're wrong, you know, it's it must be very difficult for people out there who know me that Know what I've done You mean like I got I I Achieved a Commonwealth gold medal And I still feel Like I am worthless Because that's what it does to you It makes you feel worthless despite every piece of evidence that tells you that you're not Despite all the good things that you could have done and that you have done And even though you know that it's just it's just the depression Parasite talking to you It doesn't doesn't make it any different Because of course you can you can pass it away Once you can pass away twice you can deal with it for a week You can just push it aside for a week It only takes a little just small incremental steps of you just going. Hey, maybe that is true Over and over again it keeps on rolling and you keep doing it more and more and then You're in a you're in a bad place again It's it's it's infiltrated you infiltrated your brain You feel like it is you and then you realize look You have an epiphany moment when you feel like You understand how you're feeling And you can you can work through it But there's it's only if you find it if the only if you tackle it head on and talk about it and express how you feel Realize and Show yourself that you are Worth something and there you are strong and you are good And that you are kind But you just you can't you can never tell It's so difficult to tell what is the depression? What is you? Because when you've lived with it for so long like myself And it's such an intense degree You know sometimes you slip slip up sometimes you want to just let it consume you You're tired It's tiring Especially when you when all the things that are the most tiring things to do are all the things that are going to help you like exercise meeting up with friends and talking about your emotions with people and And accepting the good things that have happened in your life. I've had a lot of problems in my life, you know Nothing doesn't matter What you've done in your life. It doesn't matter how strong you are I mean just look at Tyson fury heavyweight boxer heavyweight boxer of the world at one point Strength incredibly strong and powerful person succumb to drug addiction So come to depression Got overweight Left his career He's not a weak person He's a person who's in pain And that's what depression does to you. It doesn't matter what you like. It doesn't matter how strong you are If you think that you know if I'd had depression I'd deal with it differently You're very wrong my friend It's not easy It's constant all the time and it's comfortable You want it and it becomes a part of you as soon as you let yourself slip suddenly you find yourself Holding a knife in your hand You find yourself looking online about how to find ropes you find yourself Looking through the medicine cabinets to see whether there is anything that could end your life if you want to And then one night you decide to drink a little bit too much and That's it's there for you And you think you know what screw it and then you're gone It's not an instant thing. It's something that takes a long time and it eats away at you If you don't keep it in check and it does not mean that you are weak just because You're in pain and just because if you have this horrible disgusting parasite It doesn't go away fully but you do learn to Accept it for what what it is you do learn to cope with it You do learn to differentiate between it and yourself Grow as a person and change and grow away from it, but it's hard So so hard it's like a full-time job Constantly every day all day you could be relaxing at home and you'd still have to try and deal with it For any of you who are out there and watching this and feeling a bit worried about me please don't Okay, I just I have these these rare times when it's not rare, but I have these rare times when I'm depressed and Ripped like really really down and I also feel like I can talk about it And then I come on camera and talk about it because I Can only really explained to people what it's like if I'm if I'm in the thick of it or else it's hard to explain For any of you out there who are currently Really really really struggling with it.  I hope that anybody who's watching this and Feel it feeling like that. I hope that This doesn't It doesn't make you feel worse. It's not supposed to make you feel worse and Trigger you or something like that.  I Am going down into a slump. I am falling down right now and I haven't Made the effort to catch myself this time, but I have now I just work yourself back up Surround yourself with people that you care about despite how you may feel about How people don't really understand just try They work you won't feel completely great about it, but it will help a little bit Try do things that are good for you Try just exercise a tiny bit Do you like five push-ups or go for a walk around the block or in the field or in nature and just go for a jog Well, so you're going to do you're going to relax and feel while I win your own Sadness and depression Yeah Doesn't help does it just go do something to any of you out there who while He was watching this You know to really understand what depression is like I Hope that It's helped a little bit The thing is with depression is that it's it's it's a complete different thing from sadness. It's very separate You can't understand it. It's not just being a little bit down kind of Feeling it is there It is this parasite that takes over your brain and it's this thing that's deep inside you that just This black hole that's just getting bigger and bigger the more that you you leave it and the more that you play to it and Think about your how worthless you are it grows and it grows and it You just feel like your world's being consumed by it. I have decided to put together a Spotify playlist I Found that the only real real way that I can Help people understand what it feels like to be depressed is through music and I'm trying I'm trying to make my own music right now, but With the other things that are going on my life my life trying to find a job trying to work on my channel trying to Pick myself up Trying to deal with the the death of someone who was close to me Recently and it's hard, but I'm trying and I'm doing lots of things unboxing and I've gone to the gym today. I've exercised and I feel a little bit better So how do you got to do those small things though? So that that Spotify Link will be in the description and the or comment it on it at the top of the top of the video in the comments If you are feeling down and depressed don't bloody listen to it late It's not for you. Like you don't do that. Oh, no, it might be nice now and again, you know, maybe listen to it for 10 minutes or so, but then turn it off. You need Need something that's more uplifting Something that's gonna make you motivated to get through it rather than something that Basically is depression because it makes you feel a bit more comfort and understood makes you feel a bit shit as well. So Don't do that Thank you for watching this video. I've realized that it's quite a long video. It's gonna pass 40 minutes now, but I hope that there if there is just one person who listens to this and feels a bit better and feels understood and has some renewed motivation to get through it That's that's good enough for me. I'm not in it for the views in this one Not in it for the money, you know And again, if any of you who know me are watching this I'm fine I'm just trying to Be cathartic. I'm expressing myself. You can be strong You can be mentally strong emotionally strong and just because you are failing and you feel like you're failing And you're succumbing to it and you're crying and you're not being able to deal with things It doesn't mean that you are a weak person We're fighting demons People fight kittens You know people fight at the most a lion With a sword and shield at least they have a chance with we've we've got to fight demons You know it's it's a bit more of a long process, but you need to train up a little bit more and it's harder It's scary But you can do it You can make that demon smaller and chip away at it be kind to yourself Thanks very much for watching. See you later guys


Hello, everyone, welcome back to London. You're watching theCUBE, the leader in tech coverage. My name is Dave Vellante. We're here in a special program that we've constructed. It's the day before the AWS London Summit, and we wanted to come and talk to some customers, some executives, some startups, and really dig into what's going on in public sector. Chris Heyman is here. He's the director of UK and Ireland Public Sector for AWS. Chris, thanks for coming on theCUBE. Thanks for inviting me. It's great to be here. So you guys have a special public sector healthcare pre-day going on downstairs. What's that all about? Yeah, so we've obviously got the main summit tomorrow, expecting about 12,000 people, which is phenomenal. Today, though, we're going to do something with one of our special industries, which is healthcare. So we've invited a number of customers and executives along for that today to learn more about the cloud, how they can get going with the cloud and get, you know, start adopting at pace. So I believe you spoke with Emiss a bit earlier on. So Emiss is a supplier to the NHS, but also people like NHS Digital and so on who are adopting the platform. So that's what today's all about. So healthcare is one of those sectors that's ripe for disruption. It really hasn't been disrupted in a big way and digitized and it's starting. But the challenge is how do you balance the cost of healthcare? Everybody's sensitized to that with the quality of care. And so that's what really the problem that you're trying to solve. How does AWS and the cloud help solve that problem? Yeah, I think across the public sector, really not just for the healthcare, but one of the things organizations are trying to do is reduce that large legacy footprint of infrastructure and really deliver against their mission, whether it be patients or citizens or whatever it may be. A good example in the case of the healthcare is we're working with a part of the NHS called the Business Services Authority.  So they've used our Kinect platform, our call center platform, and also some voice technology called Lex. And they're able to reduce, they stood up in about three weeks. It was a phenomenal effort and they reduced their call volume by 42%. So basically getting the computers to answer some of the really easy queries, which of course meant that some of the tougher call center queries went to the actual humans and the call center handlers. So, you know, those sort of things, I really think impact the bottom line for the NHS and save some cost, but really help them to innovate as well for their patients and citizens. So. Let's stay in healthcare for a second. So NHS has a nearly half a billion pound initiative to modernize. So had they asked me, they didn't ask me, but had they asked me, I said, well, part of that should be to get rid of the heavy lifting, move to the cloud and then really try to transform your labor force to focus on more value-added areas. Yeah, exactly. This helps us solve real problems. Is that essentially what's happening? Yeah, 100%. So the context in query, you know, that the people that are now answering the phones aren't doing those sort of mundane queries where it's going to take four to six weeks. It's more transferring that to the computer and letting the humans do the heavy lifting. So I think that's certainly one thing. But I think it's also enabling these organizations to really be closer to their citizens and to their patients as well. If we look at organizations like in the local authority space, like Altsbury Vale, they're also using voice technology with Alexa to enable citizens to answer queries like, you know, who is my counselor or to update various things within their sort of council record. And so obviously public sector organizations love that because they've now got this unique touch point with the citizen at scale, whereas they would never have been able to do that previously. So that's a kind of a really good, you know, close engagement for them. See here, the bromide, people say data is the new oil. It's the new natural resource. We actually think data is more valuable than oil because you can only use oil in one place, you know. Data you can use many, many places. So data becomes increasingly important. But the problem that most traditional companies have is their data is locked in silos. It's hardened into an application. And so how are you guys attacking that problem? What do you see as trends in the customer base in terms of being able to have sort of a unified data model and what role does the cloud play there? Yeah, I think it's a really good question. So there's a number of things that we're doing. First of all, we're very passionate about public datasets. So we host a number of public datasets like Landsat imagery and these sort of things. You know, fundamentally we believe that data has gravity. So you know, if we're able to host and provide this data at scale for researchers and so on, that has tremendous huge benefit. But you're right about public sector organizations and those silos. A good example where we've worked is with Transport for London. Obviously, if you want to get in and around the city of London, typically you go to tfl.gov.uk, which runs on AWS. And you'll say, right, I want to get from, you know, Farringdon to Liverpool Street. And that's all kind of running on top of AWS. But the really cool thing is they've opened up all that information. So they don't have to develop those apps themselves. They're effectively crowdsourcing the development of those apps. So they've got some 4,000 developers now working against all this data. Deloitte recently did a study. They reckon it's going to generate economic benefits of 130 million pounds per annum just by making this real-time data available. So you're gaining unique business insights. But not only that, you've got organizations like CityMapper who can commercialize that data, develop apps and sell those apps on behalf of, you know, to the community and so on. So you've got that double bubble of SME engagement, but also the public benefit as well. So it's really cool. Now, years ago, in the past life, I had an opportunity when I worked for IDC, the research company, to run the government business. And when I went around and talked to the heads and military heads, the heads of agencies, there was a common theme. They were trying to close the gap between public sector and commercial. And they never quite could get there. The cloud seems to me, Chris, to be changing that. I mean, to me, the CIA deal in 2013 was a seminal moment for just the cloud and AWS specifically. But increasingly, you're seeing innovation. It's still very difficult because you get turnover and agencies and administrations and so forth. But what are you seeing in terms of those trends? Are you seeing public sector organizations leaning in, modernizing, and again, what role does the cloud play there? Yeah, 100%. I think you're absolutely right. It is a unifier in that sense. We worked with, we're moving mission systems to the cloud now with our customers. We worked with Driver Vehicle Standards Agency, so they're responsible for making sure our cars are roadworthy in the UK. They migrated their entire platform, which supports some 30,000 small businesses to AWS in 10 weeks. So it's amazing what public sector organizations are able to achieve with the pace of the cloud. And a lot of it starts with experimentation. That's the great thing is that you can try something. If it doesn't work, you can turn it off and you haven't lost anything. But that pace of being able to move, even mission systems to the cloud is happening in public sector across the board. And I mentioned the CIA before. Sorry to be the American sort of parachute. It's obviously a bias that I have. I'm working on my accent. But the CIA was significant because everybody in the early days are so concerned about security. The head of IT from the CIA stood up last year at the DC Public Sector Summit and said, my worst day of security in the cloud is better, far better than my client server ever was. So what about security concerns? Have they abated? Are they still there? How is that evolving? Well, I think, first of all, it's absolutely right that public sector organizations are 100% laser focused on security. But the good news is that we are too. It's job zero for us. It's absolutely everything that we do and live and breathe by. And I think we've demonstrated that in a number of ways. I mean, first of all, just the way in which we operate our physical infrastructure and everything that we do at a physical pace. But then above the layer, the kind of things that our customers are responsible for, we have something called a shared responsibility model. So their responsibility for kind of everything above the physical infrastructure. But we provide the tools that they just never would have been able to get access to in a physical world. I'd ask CIOs in public sector organizations, do you know every server that you have? Just things like that and they'll just be like, no, I've got no idea. But with the cloud, you have that visibility. You can see every single thing that's happening in the environment. So you get far more visibility and control that you ever were able to in a physical world. So I think that's the first thing. And obviously everything that we do around certification, attestations around ISO certification, all the reporting and so on that we do to assure our customers that we do a good job at that level as well. Ministry of Justice actually came out and said, you can be more secure in the cloud than on premises. And you have to focus on those areas where you're not in the cloud. So I think that was a huge testament by the UK government to say, actually this is secure and this is fit for purpose, which is good. One of the other things I've observed about just technology adoption in general, Silicon Valley is unique, obviously. But outside of Silicon Valley, maybe technology adoption 20 years ago occurred more slowly. It seems like cloud adoption is very much consistent across the globe. I wonder if you could talk about that, but then specifically public sector adoption of the cloud. Do you see this very similar sort of cadence from US, rest of the world? Yeah, I do and I think we're doing a fantastic job in the UK actually, really fantastic job. I talked about some of the stuff we're doing around AI and machine learning. Some of these things are really leading edge and if you spoke to EMS earlier, they're investigating things like blockchain for their types of solutions. So these sort of things are really pushing the boundary but paramount to all of that is this idea that you can experiment and try things. So there's no longer a disparity around these sort of things. Fundamentally, when you log into the console, you've got access to 165 different things and you can get going whether you're in the UK, whether you're in Canada or in North America. So our customers are picking these things up and accelerating your pace, which is fantastic, trying all different types of things and workloads. Okay, if I were to ask Alexa, what's going to happen with Brexit? What would it tell me? Well, I think first and foremost, the way we think about it is it's just business as usual for us. It's a fairly mundane answer, but fundamentally, organizations still need to adapt, they still need to transform, they still need to evolve and that's where we're helping and we're leaning in. We're helping them with some of their EU exit programs around tooling and processing and things like that, but they're still keen to adopt cloud at pace, which is awesome. So come back to the session that you guys are running downstairs. I saw some sort of descriptions of it and I think there were three areas of focus, the public payers, the healthcare providers and the publicly funded research organizations is kind of what you guys are focused on today. So maybe close there and give us a vision for where you see AWS public sector in the UK and Ireland going. I think we're obviously healthcare is a really fast-growing vertical for us, which is fantastic, but across the board, demand has never been greater, which is phenomenal and we're really pushing the boundaries of what can be achieved. I talked about some of the public sector organizations we're working with, but partners like EMIS, but also small businesses as well. It's a great example, working with a company called Adzuna, which provides job search functionality. They run on AWS and they won a contract for Job Center Plus, which is part of our department of work and pensions. So it's not just the direct engagement we have with our customers, but it's also all the partners that we're working with to enable that end-to-end functionality, which is really good. So we're doing lots of work in that space and I can see more and more organizations, not just customers, end customers, but also partners, technology providers coming to talk to us and then across the spectrum in healthcare, whether it's suppliers to the NHS or at the NHS themselves and individual trusts and hospitals and so on that are kind of using our technology. So it's a real broad mix and spectrum of adoption. Outstanding, Chris, thanks so much for coming on theCUBE. Really appreciate it. We're seeing the growth of AWS is actually astounding. 30 billion dollar run rate company growing at 40 plus percent a year. But more importantly, you're starting to see not only region expansion, but you're seeing expansion into specific verticals and ecosystems forming startups and you guys are doing a great job of attracting these. So thanks very much for coming on. I appreciate it. All right, keep it right there everybody. This is Dave Vellante on theCUBE. We're right back right after this short break.


That's the theme from the Sears radio theater tonight a program of love and hate with Sicily Tyson as your hostess Here's a preview me if I could change a day or a moment in my life, which would I choose? Yes? But if you did change it it might not be just that day your moments Might be your entire life was changed the Sears radio theater will begin after this message from your local station This is Sicily Tyson Looking into the window of a passing bus suddenly seen a face a face strange change a little older but still the same face It brings a rush of memories and takes you back for a moment to hear you and your first love Do you consider chasing that bus and then reconsider thinking it best to let the past remain the past? Only the fumes and your memories In the wake of the departing bus Has it ever happened to you? Don't say it's impossible to be captured the past to travel back in time But there are two people here on this street Walking along with the crowd who will not pass each other by But stop Come face to face reunite and do what so many people say is impossible These two will travel back They may even find a future in their path When is that you? I don't believe Five years Canada's done that long ago. Fred. It doesn't seem possible. Well looking at you it sure doesn't do you live here now Oh, no, I'm here on business you yes I've taken an apartment here in the city after years in the suburbs All my friends thought I was crazy to come back, but the house out there seems so empty I wanted to be around people lots of people. Well, you picked the right spot for that It can we go somewhere have a cup of coffee. Yes.  Yes I'm glad no one else ever called you dad Now when only a few minutes before there were two people alone on a crowded street Fred Hemming and gwen jackson road Their story really began more than 35 years ago when they were young and in love But their chance encounter will spark a new chapter for Fred and gwen And that's only the beginning of our story Exceptional entertainment every week brought to you in elliott lewis production of the sears radio theater Our story reunion by Pamela russell our stars virginia greg and parley bear The sears radio theater is brought to you by sears robot and company Sears where america shops for value average-looking couple The thought that is seen every day sitting together and talking over coffee There's really nothing that sets Fred and grand apart Nothing on the surface anyway But something extraordinary and rare is happening to these ordinary people I don't know where to begin there's so much to tell our whole lifetime I'm a widow now my husband died a year ago George and I were married for 30 years the son of a daughter. Are you nervous glenny? Yes, very. How did you know you always did talk too fast when you were nervous? I remember that's incredible that you'd remember a little thing like that. Oh, yes too fast and too much How about you Fred? I'm divorced have been for a long time. I have a boy 28. I don't see very much of him I never did I'm afraid I wasn't a very good father or husband. I love children So I always thought you'd be the most wonderful father. Remember how great you were with my little brother Willie, how is Willie? That I'm happy. He's an insurance agent in Detroit What a daredevil he was. I thought for sure he'd climb Mount Everest or something I never pictured Willie as an insurance agent Well, I guess a lot of things didn't turn out the way we thought they would like you and me Yeah, thank you and me Fred I was just thinking of the last time I was supposed to see you It was at a train station. I'm not sure it's such a good idea to look back Fred And but it is so clear still it it's not like a memory that the past is like yesterday You couldn't remember it the way I do buddy. No I guess I couldn't I remember waiting for you and waiting and waiting Just a few minutes more Stan. I know she's coming. What? I worried that we'd be stopping over here for an hour One he'll be here. She wouldn't let me ship out without saying goodbye. She'll be here Wow Do you say so? But you better hurry. I haven't seen her in eight months I've got to see her. No one knows when I will again. Yeah, it's just gonna get married after work Yeah, we've been planning on getting married ever since we were six six. That's right There's never been another girl for me. It's always been Gweny That's why I know she'll be here. She has never let me down That's us, Fred. We gotta go. What time is it? 3 30. It can't be. It is. The watch must be wrong. Well, you gotta watch. What's your say? Oh, it can't be 3 30. Come on, Fred. We gotta get on that train I'm your buddy and all but I don't want to go all with you Yeah, yeah, look come on then I just don't understand it Maybe something happened I know she would have been here if she could. Yeah, it's been eight months. Maybe she met another guy Don't expect you ever see anything like that again. If you're my buddy Stan just shut up. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry Take it easy. Maybe she had a flat tire or something. Yeah Maybe so What if she had an accident Stan? Oh, it's nothing like that, Fred. Let's go jump up There's shipping us overseas Of course, you're gonna know where to write to me and I suppose you could have given her the exact address today You're talking crazy, Fred. She'll write you where she always has the army'll get your letters to you And how long will that take? Months Maybe she has met another guy Stan or maybe she will Buddy, I'm sorry. I ever said that Look you two have been together since you were kids. You were meant to be together. Nothing bad is gonna happen. Okay Yeah Okay, Stan I just wish I could have seen her one more time Ms recollection of the day 35 years ago when they missed each other at the train station And their lives started on different paths away from one another But glenn is reluctant to look back To talk of that day She toys with her coffee cup and feels that he's waiting for her to speak Explain in my letters what I went through that day I felt as if you didn't understand You ran out of gas Wasn't that simple running out of gas sounds like such a stupid Irresponsible thing to do If I didn't care and I did care Fred so much Your letters did change after that. I think you were reading them differently I think you blamed me for not getting the station to see you and maybe you're right Maybe I did you see It is a mistake to go back I feel like you're angry with me all over again. I feel 18 years old and scared and sad and shaky Maybe you could explain to me now how it was for you that day glennie after all this time Do you still care? I mean is it still important to you to know what happened? Yes, it's still important. I still care All right then here goes I I remember it was one of the loveliest mornings I'd ever opened my eyes to it was just summer The heat wasn't fierce yet was new and welcome and warm. I was so excited I was going to see you again finally after so long eight months Oh, it's a lifetime to wait when you're 18 or 19 I know I couldn't wait for it to be noon and time for me to leave Daddy's big Packard was out in the driveway waiting for me that alone had nearly taken an act of congress to accomplish I sat upstairs in my room Looking in the mirror wishing my mother would let me use mascara, but the Illusion lipstick for paint enough Mascara would have sent mother right over the edge and knee up to a basin of soap and water in the bathroom So I sat and wished I didn't put my dress on until the very last minute. I was terrified of wrinkles the dress Was pink and white full-skirt nearly to the knees.  You sent me a snapshot of yourself in that outfit You looked adorable That day How could it have become so beautifully and ended so badly? I don't think that I've ever before since had that kind of happiness and sadness on one day Well, anyway to finish it noon finally came And I started out. I backed out the driveway. I could feel gattie watching from the porch I could almost see his hand clenching and unclenching I went blightly down the street grinding the gears poor daddy The little girl in the white picture hat wearing lipstick and his packer gone together I'd been on the road for nearly an hour when the engine started to sputter. I pulled off the deciding stop stopped dead I tried and I tried to get going again, but no luck. I had no idea what was wrong Daddy had told me there was plenty of gas The mystery was solved later that night by willy. He came to me and told me that he'd secretly siphoned some of the gas for an invention He was working on He hadn't thought that a little he took would hurt Well, he was so pitiful. I couldn't be angry with him Have you ever watched an 11 year old boy fight back tears and lose to them? Quite a sight not the kind you can yell at I couldn't anyway So I I left the car and set out walking was hot I was beginning to cry I knew I wasn't going to make it to the station in time to see you The heat was coming up in waves from the road my curls were straggling and I'd gnawed away my lipstick Thank goodness for mother's ban on mascara or why I would have cried it all down my face As it was I must have been quite a picture when I ran up to the station Need someone going on that train?  Well, okay Hey, you all right miss? Yes, you tell me where there's a telephone Here, right over there miss Thank you I remember crying in my room for days and days my mother kept saying grand stop being foolish You'll see Fred again But I didn't believe it. I just knew I'd never see you again But you were wrong here. I am and here. I am It should have been more than a silly empty gas tank that kept us apart It was more than that I guess so And Winnie better date than never Would you like to have dinner with me tonight? Oh, I love that I don't think you still have that white picture hat No, I'm afraid not it was sold for a dime. It's a bright else cool image tale in 1957 Can I come to dinner without it? Come any way you can Winnie Just come Parted at the coffee shop he to his hotel and she to her apartment Tonight will be their first date since they were 18 and 19 years old. They are adults in their 50s How have the years changed them? Can they come together again after so much time apart standing open?  Will you please just go on to all right just a minute secure captain good ran into an old friend His name is Fred Hemming and no, I'm sure you don't know him dear Friendship Sandra you're my daughter and I love you dearly, but you're being very nosy I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry into your private life mother I think you're just a little shocked that I have one I only call to ask if you wanted to come over and have dinner with Hal and me and the kids tonight Would you like to I have other plans? I'm sorry sandy. Could we do it tomorrow night? Up here that's nice to hear Well, I guess I should let you go You probably want to be getting dressed or something I wish you'd drop that wounded tone Yes, I do have a dinner date tonight with Fred Hemming Fred is from my hometown. We grew up together do approve Sandra It's not really for me to say is it no it really isn't But I was sure you'd have some comment anyway. I think it's very nice that you're going out That off I hope you have a good time mother. Thank you dear. I'll talk to you tomorrow Bye bye mother She thinks I'm an old fool Well, I probably am I wonder Fred's as nervous and excited as I am right now Any messages for me Fred Hemming room 9 20 out there, sir. Thank you. They've been hiding all afternoon your messages, sir Thank you. They've really been piling up old man. I've been on the phone to Los Angeles 10 times in an hour Looks like that oil merger shaping up while you were out playing hooky. I had my nose to the old grindstone Where were you Fred? I ran into an old friend That sounds interesting. Is this old friend got a an old friend for me What would your wife say to that jack?  I'm just as footloose and fancy free as you Fred. So how about it? Why don't you see if your friend has a friend for me? I don't think so jack You don't approve, huh? Since you asked me. No, I don't now you don't have to take that holier than the attitude of me Fred this is old jack remember Don't try to tell me that before the divorce you never went out on Eleanor It's none of your business, but I didn't come on yours and Eleanor's battles were famous I caught a few of myself and it seems to me that at least one was about a certain blonde secretary I never claimed that my marriage was perfect jack far from it, but Eleanor was jealous over nothing It wasn't other women that broke us up um, listen Why don't you fill me in on that Los Angeles deal? I've got some time before I do anywhere and uh, where are you? Do Fred your friend's apartment one of those friends that didn't break up your marriage jack. Let's talk oil So what's the big secret you're divorced now? I don't want to talk about it jack Something special really special the best thing that's happened to me in years I'll never be 18 again. This will have to do Fred come in You look lovely. Thank you Here, these are for you. What beautiful roses yellow my favorite. I remember I'll get a vase sit down Fred. Would you like a drink? No, thanks It isn't really a nice place. I'm comfortable here It looks like you I sold everything after george died. Maybe people thought I was being callous, but I wanted to start new Memories attached to all these things were sweet and unbearable I knew if I stayed among them, I'd never do anything again. But remember and I didn't want that I think you were right to do what you did And very brave glennie. Well, don't think I burned my bridges and never looked back There were many times when I wished I was out at the old house with all the furniture and memories But I haven't wished myself back in quite a while This is where I live now. I admire you You should see my place When anyone first sees it they think I just moved in and I've lived there for six years It's true. There are still boxes to be unpacked with hardly any furniture and I'm rarely there. I just can't I'm usually traveling on business. I I have no home really. I'm sorry that you don't It's a nice thing to have a home Why is it so easy to talk to you? I don't know. It shouldn't be By all whites, we shouldn't have a thing to say to one another Two people who knew each other when they were kids 35 years between conversations We should only be able to talk about the past. We did that this afternoon and you didn't want to. No, I didn't This last year I've been trying an experiment living completely in the present Day to day. I like it So much of my life had been planning for the future I have no intention of spending the rest of it looking back. No more reminiscing tonight Do you want to Fred? No, I really don't I love the memory of the girl you were, Gweny Now I realize I like and want to get to know better the woman you've become. Thank you. Are you hungry? Yes, I am. I made reservations at La Chateau. Oh elegant La Chateau and yellow roses You spoil me. I wouldn't mind Here we go Eight double walks, but my daughter insisted that I have all of these in the chain too. Oh, she's concerned about you. She's smothering me I thought that's what overbearing mothers did Just my luck to have a maternal daughter. It's better than being ignored or forgotten, I guess You're right. Of course, and Sandy's a dear But you should have heard her reaction to this evening. Do you're going out? Yes I'm having a date of all things You see, I'm supposed to play bridge and go to concerts with my lady friends and dinner at Sandy's house twice a week I'm not supposed to go out with men. Here's your meter. According to Sandy. Yes I can understand the difficulty For years I was the one who drove everyone to ballet lessons and baseball practice attended pta meetings and baked brownies for the charity bazaars I was mom Now all of a sudden mom takes an apartment in the city and begins to date No, understand.  I think I am. Are you? No Why?  I tried your experiment for too long. What do you mean? I've been living day to day for too many years It's fun at first, especially for people like you and me who are raised to be so responsible and solid But it wears off At least it has for me I want a future I want to think about it and plan for it I mean, I'm just going through a stage for it, but this won't last Maybe it will for you Should we get a cat? Oh, I'd rather walk if you don't mind. Sure Walking at night is something I really miss It's not very bright to go out alone on these streets after the sun goes down so I don't But I do miss it George and I lived here when we were first married. It was later that we moved to the suburbs The city's changed a lot, but there's still a feel to it that I love It's It's the same that feeling That's one of the reasons I came back I wish I could still prowl around at night. That's when the feeling is strongest. It's truly the city then And I guess the Muggers think so too. They're the only ones who get to enjoy it anymore Do you have any regrets? Doesn't everybody? Don't you? Yes But do you, Gweny? Yes What's your biggest one? I mean if I could change a day or a moment in my life, which would I choose? Yes But if you did change it, it might not be just that day or moment Might be your entire life that was changed. That's true You know the day that I would change in my life if I could Fred? No, I don't. Yes, you do Tell me I would change the day at the train station I wouldn't have run out of gas I would have seen you That's the day I'd change too, Gweny. I'm glad that we can't Why? Because if we could we probably wouldn't be here tonight and together I choose tonight, Fred As they have for the past five nights But this night is different because Fred's business is completed and he's leaving tomorrow This is his last night in town They're last night together Unless one of them can find the words to express what both are feeling Cicely Tyson again, and here's the concluding act of reunion I love this restaurant.   Yes It's worked out very well. I might even say perfectly This has been a perfect trip. I'm glad I'm sorry Well, I'm Sorry that you're going. Gweny, would you like to order now madame, miss you? Could you give us a little more time? Oh, but of course, miss you I wish you really could What give us a little more time I wish we're dangling a lot longer Fred. Do you really think we need more time? Yes, I don't I'm very sure right now a plot I want you to come with me. Gweny I don't want to leave you here I don't want to lose you again Fred We've had five wonderful days But do you think we really know each other? I know that we can laugh together and talk together I know that I've been happier these last few days with you than I've been since I was a kid Come with me, Gweny Were you? I was afraid you were going to ask that tonight, but I was even more afraid that you wouldn't So what's your answer? I don't know Good answer I'm sorry Fred, but I I don't know. Truly I don't I'm trying to think how sandy my daughter would feel about it and my son I'm not alone in this world. Neither are you Fred I believe we should consider our children's feelings. What about your son? What would he think about all this? I haven't the foggiest idea I never could understand Michael He lived with his mother after the divorce and I I tried Gwen to keep in contact with him But it was impossible for me to get through to him. I gave up How could you give up on your son? After he ran off to join some crazy religious cult, I didn't know what else to do I thought of sending one of those deprogrammers after him, but I decided against that I wouldn't have known what to do with him even if I'd gotten him back I saw him once He had his head shaved and he was wearing some kind of toga He talked in riddles. I couldn't understand the thing he said And he was too far gone to ever bring back. So you let him go? Yes I don't believe they're ever too far gone Fred A few years ago my son nearly died of a barbiturate overdose.  How do you turn away from that? How do you make the judgment that he's too far gone? I didn't know how to do that. I guess I held on to him.  I was just being his mother He's back in school now doing very well He'll have his master's degree soon and you're worried about what he'll think of us not worried Concerned yes, and I don't know where my son is That makes me a bad parent and you a good one different anyway very different kinds of parents you and me Fred People too, maybe maybe Fred we Loved each other when we were children. That's been nearly 40 years between then and now You think we can bridge all that time? I don't know if we can or not But I'd like to try Would you For what but I'll tell you what Something just come to me Call me an incurable romantic. I deserve it. But here's the plan now. Don't give me any answer tonight My flight leaves tomorrow at three if you decide to come with me be at the airport and if not Then you won't be there. Are you giving me another chance to meet the train? Yes And this time you'd better make it This is the last chance then we were incredibly lucky to be given this one Guiney I don't think there'll be another You just don't get that lucky in a lifetime All right I like your plan We'll do it that way.  I wish Fred would call The man that I'd be there make it easier for me But he won't it's my decision Mine alone I'm gonna go now. Why shouldn't I I'm going to do it. What if it doesn't work out? Fred and I are very different If you're thinking about his son Maybe we are just capable of a week's worth of pleasant dinners Maybe it should be left at that Besides I have a life here. It's a nice life Smooth and even the way I want it I can't just take off disrupt everything No, this isn't right It's crazy to even consider it I can't go I can't what could that be Oh, I hope it's not sandy Sandy hello, how are you? You've been so busy lately It seems like gauges since we talked. I think of which day before yesterday sandy. Well, how are you anyway fine? How are you just fine serious about this man? He's asked me to leave with him I'd say that's pretty serious. I guess I would too. Are you going to go? I don't know yet. How do you feel about it sandy? I think this will surprise you mother. I've given it a lot of thought I'll admit that at first I wasn't happy about you and Fred The only thing that matters is if you're happy.  Thank you, dear. That means a great deal to me I've been happy these last few days and I still don't know about going with him.  Uh, what do you think Jeff would say? I think you tell you to be happy. That's what you always wanted for us and try to give us Believe me your children want the same for you. I was just being selfish before I guess I didn't want to share you Jeff would tell you to choose happiness. I know he would. Thank you sandy. Mother Call me will you? Of course I will Time it to the last minute. I'm going to get me hurt there. I'm sorry. I couldn't get a cab The traffic is terrible. It's just for everything. Yes, you have it. You're here and that's the important Oh, you don't know how close I came to not coming What made you decide? A phone call from sandy. She told me to be happy. I think I'd like her Sounds like you did a good job, Gweny Uh, Gweny, there's something I want to say. What is it Fred? I know how troubled you were about what we talked about last night my son and your son I'm not trying to blame anyone and please believe that But I know that if my son had been our son If you had been his mother We wouldn't have let go of him It all would have been so different Gweny so very different I believe that Well Do you think we'd better get you a ticket? I'm not sure that I'll need one. I think I could fly without the plane today. Come on Did I tell you how glad I am that you're here? No, you didn't I'm glad that you're here, Gweny Walking around waiting for you.  All I needed was stan Whatever happened to stan. Did you keep in touch? I think we should call him right now and tell him. Well, it's a great idea, but I lost track of it I don't know where he is. That's too bad. Yes, it is Well, maybe you'll run into him on a street one day those things do happen sometimes, you know Only in fairy tales and movies, Gweny not in real life. No, you don't think so No way Shop for value Reunion was written by Pamela Russell produced and directed by Fletcher Marco. Your hostess was sissily tyson Our stars were virginia greg and parley bear Featured in the cast were sydney swire jack carroll. Howard culver and jack manning The music for sears radio theater was composed and conducted by nelson riddle. This is art gilmore speaking The elliot louis production of sears radio theater is a presentation of cdi Great music and more just like robert morgan alien world spectra from fm103 kmo xfm st louis cbs news A formal announcement is expected tomorrow that president carter has offered former mayor moon landrew of new orleans a cabinet job This is john bowhammon reporting on the cbs radio network CBS news has learned that landrew has accepted mr. Carter's offer to be the new secretary of housing and urban development The president apparently met today at the white house with the former mayor to talk about the nomination Landrew now works for a commercial development firm in new orleans The senate finance committee gave its unanimous approval today to the nomination of patricia harris as secretary of health education and welfare The senate held confirmation hearings today on navy secretary graham clater as deputy defense secretary and benjamin civilletti as attorney general Democratic congressional leaders are promising to give president carter all the help he needs to keep the administration's energy package in one piece Setbacks and challenges have been major problems for the president in getting an energy package through congress And house speaker tip onil says helping the president may take a lot of work because he says the oil lobby is so powerful But republican bob dole of canvass disagrees. I don't know where they are. They're supposed to be all over the hill the oil lobby I haven't been invaded by The so-called oil lobby. We have in our state of kansas, uh oil production Uh hasten to add the average production is about three barrels per day. So we're not Big producers in my state, but uh, they've contacted me. They're concerned about Taking away too much of the what they what president carter calls the windfall The senate finance committee has postponed further action on the president's request for windfall profits tax on oil And senators from both parties are predicting that president carter will have to accept a weaker version than the one he's asking for Senator george mcgovern is accusing president carter of misgoverning the nation The senator made his remarks in washington today before a group of congressional interns And he also urged senator edward kennedy to run for president next year The governor said kennedy is the democrat's most logical candidate dc tens have been flying for two weeks after the federal Administration aviation administration looked at the grounding orders against them and f a a officials say they have reports of seven forced landings in that period Do mostly do engine trouble but the f a a says it has nothing to do with a faulty engine mount Which caused the grounding orders in the first place reports tonight from the airport at rio Digenero brazil say a litanso cargo jet crashed shortly after takeoff and burst into flames the jet had three crew members on board No word on casualties in san antonio texas maddie schultz ran into a foul of the law and spent the night in jail On shoplifting charges night magistrate mary elizabeth lad ordered the woman to jail in lieu of 400 dollars bond But the judge who came on duty the following morning ordered the woman released maddie schultz is a 91 year old widow More from susan springfield of station w o a i This is schultz was arrested in san antonio q's day after trying to shop flip 15 dollars worth of groceries And was booked into the bayer county jail in lieu of 400 dollars bond This is schultz says she was unable to buy groceries after paying rent and utilities from her monthly 138 dollars in social security and 113 in veterans benefits She's also without a lot of savings because the savings were conned out of her in a pigeon drop scheme in 1973 But missus schultz is no longer destitute the bayer county senior citizens council has set up a fund for her and are accepting donations from san francisco To new york and local residents have been providing her with the much needed food and friendship susan springfield for cbs news