I said, I'm going to go and watch it for a while, but I can't do it. So, thank you for being here. Insha'Allah, we're going to go ahead and get started and expecting more people to join us, but we'll go ahead and begin. I wanted to first thank the NCC for the near, especially in the ways and all of the staff and volunteers for facilitating the events and also shout out to them. I'm going to end my dear friend who is the reason why we're here. She reached out actually, I think a couple months back and said, you know, have you thought of doing a parenting workshop? I had in the past, but Insha'Allah, I think with her, will imagine push. That's why we're here. And the aim really is to give us an opportunity to meet with each other, to learn from one another. You know, they say it takes a village. But unfortunately, because of our lifestyles, we're all very in our own worlds and sometimes we forget that there is a village outside. So, hopefully by having a space to dialogue, we can actually implement what that means, which is really leaning on each other, learning from one another. And just Insha'Allah, doing this together. Because as we know, we're Jema and we need each other, Insha'Allah. So, before we officially start, there's an outline you can see right there of what we're going to try to achieve today. Insha'Allah, you're welcome. So, my background, for those who don't know me, I am a very young and native. I pretty much raised here. I was a born here, but I was raised here. And then for about nine years, I actually left and I went to Southern California. And, Alhamdulillah, while I was there, I had my own children and I also started a preschool co-op for three years and I worked closely with young children. And before that, actually, I taught here in the Bay Area. I taught at different Islamic schools. So, Alhamdulillah, I have experience teaching and being around children. I love children. And so, this workshop really comes from my heart, because this is a heart work for me. Just anything that has to do with children. So, that's just my background. I also have a mental health advocate. I'm a writer. So, I do a few different things. I give presentations. I have talks here the second Thursday of every month and we do programs at Calvary with regarding women and, you know, for women, I should say. So, Alhamdulillah, that's pretty much my background. It's all like, really welcome. So, before we actually continue the presentation, I wanted to just ask you guys, and I like audience participation, by the way, so I want you to participate. So, let's talk about the ideals that we create about marriage, life, and parenting before we ever get married. What are some dreams that people have about what marriage life is going to be like and what your perfect, picture-perfect Muslim American family looks like? What do you think? Give me some answers. What do you think of yourself? I think that, you know, as an American Muslim, that you would be integrated into society as well as be able to retain your Islamic identity while navigating in society. So, having both sort of that balance, right? Alhamdulillah. And what about your actual life being married? What are the sort of, again, I want to talk about what we dream about, you know?  But what are the constructs that we have about marriage life? For example, when it comes to your spouse, what do, in one line, what do women usually say? There's, you know, I want my spouse to be my, like, soulmate, very good with us. Women tend to want a particular quality in their spouse. I'm sorry about that. Back to going, we're here. Oftentimes, we hear that women want a best friend, right? They want to marry their best friend, right? I don't know if I hear those things out as much. I think for men, it's a little different, right? They might not necessarily want a spouse. They want a woman who they're happy with but also who has their approval of. Right? This family is special. I think that's an ideal partner, right, for a couple of girls is that they want someone who comes to balance that, right? And so what we do, we tend to dream up this perfect idea of what a Muslim family is supposed to look like, right? And when it comes to our children, they're everything, right? I mean, they're perfect. First of all, they're geniuses, right? And before that, of course, we all assume and actually believe that our kids are geniuses. Whether we say it or not, oh my gosh, you see that? And every moment is captured.   But then we also have to set them up with a lot of expectations, right? We want them to have the best edad, with their elders especially, do their order of work on time, be their responsible queen, know to recycle, you know, be conscientious. We want all of these things. And we'll talk about it. We want them to go back to the end and pray. So we dream up all of these ideals which are a lot of our children.  When you're intending to start a family, inshallah, those are the things that you should be aspiring to, that you have a strong family unit and there's just much more, so much connection happening, right?  And I chose these images, by the way, there are some to kind of go with my talk. I chose these images because they're, you know, they're animated. They're dreams. They're visions that we have. But they're not always necessarily true, right? Even if we have the best of intentions, our intentions, good intentions enough, right? Are they enough? And do things always go as we plan, not necessarily, right? And that's why more important than anything is how we respond, right? Because things might not go the way we want them to, but how we respond to what is happening to us, right? It really says a lot about whether or not we're going to have difficulty and challenges or we're going to, inshallah, have success. Because if we focus on our own responsibilities and our duties and leave the restaurants, we have to at least submit, inshallah. This is where we will find that just by letting go of this need to control outcomes because a lot of us, when we build up a dream and an ideal, we're stuck on the outcomes. And the outcomes is what we want. And so that can inform our parenting because it's like, I have this ideal of how everything is supposed to go. And if it doesn't go that way, there's something wrong. But if you're doing everything, inshallah, in your power correctly, the outcomes you leave to all of us are there, right? And this is a part of submission that we just realize we can't control everything, right? But we can definitely control our own selves. So the point here is that good intentions aren't enough. They're obviously important, right? We believe in them, but not even yet. We believe in this. But the problem is when we take again these good intentions and attach them to these dreams, and then we treat marriage like it's all right. Like it's something that I'm entirely free, right? That it's something that I deserve. And the reason why is because, you know, we live in a, you know, or there's systems around us where everything's based on, you know, it's a marriage system. So if I do it good, you know, I get this in return. And that's sort of how we think about even when it comes to our relationships. So when you walk into a relationship with that mindset or, you know, starting a family with this mindset, that if I do everything correctly, if things should go as planned, it kind of sets you up to have an entitled sort of, you know, mindset going into that. And that, right there, is also a problem. You can't be entitled to anything. Because marriage is not a right. It's a huge responsibility, right?  For example, how many people in this room are single, not married? I mean, we should see more of a single people here. Right? Because we take more time sometimes to engage with very interesting people. We take more time to prepare for travel for even like a meal, right? We'll look up recipes. We'll call people. We do research for things like that. When it comes to parenting, we often do it when it's too late.  You know, I mean, then it's like, oh my God, I got to start working about parenting. And then even then our view is so limited because we're stuck on baby, right? Preparing for a baby.  And we're stuck on that. It's kind of like, if you actually step back and say, is there a greater thing that a human being can do than to be responsible for a soul? Right? Is there a greater task that we have? So parenting is this incredible responsibility and yet we don't prepare for it enough. And that's why usually in parenting workshops you see parents who've already had their children and are not happy about it here. But I wish that we had singles and people who are just starting out they're married lots, you know, prior to even having children because that's responsibility. That's really looking at this like, this is a very good thing, right? And we have to, you know, Allah's front better reminds us again and again. You know, he says, حَسْبَ النَّسُوا اَنْ يَتْلَكُونَ اَنْ يَفُوُدُرْ أَمْنَا رَهُمْ لَهُمْ لَهُمْ لَهُمْ يُفْتَنُوا. Do people think that they will be left to say, we believe, and that you will not be tested? So this is why he's telling us this, that you're going to experience tests in your life and in order, with any test, right, you better prepare.    This is, again, another reminder for us that these are things that we will be tested about. So don't just get caught up in the fantasy and the movies and the thrones and the songs and the picture, wedding albums and the pictures of what a family is going to look like. Actually take it very, very seriously and do the preparations beforehand. That's where we should be, right? And so, um, so what does that mean? It means that in order for us to really take parenting and really understand that it's a, have a serious sense of it, we have to first and foremost realize it's completely tied to how, to our relationship with Allah Almighty. You can't expect to be a successful parent or a successful really, anything if we're being honest without working on yourself, right? And Allah's front better in another ayah in Surah Baqara, he tells, this is an exchange, right? That's happening between the angels, Allah the angels, when he tells them that he's going to create Allah, he says, there's this beautiful conversation that happens and he says, So what is this? Muhammad mentioned when your Lord said to the angels, indeed I will make upon the earth a successive authority, a leader.  And Allah said, indeed I know that which you do not know. So this verse explains very clearly the purpose of our existence and our creation is that we do everything to work towards this goal of actually becoming leaders. So every one of us, not just the men, Allah said, I know that we have obviously roles for our families and our communities and our societies for men and women, but in this context this is applying to every one of us. All of us are leaders and this is what Allah is telling us that he's even telling the angels that you don't know what I know about my creation but they have the potential to be amazing. But if you don't see yourself as that and especially in the context of a family and marriage and you're just thinking, oh, I'm just going to go and it's just far alive, everybody gets married, everybody has kids and you're not looking at it like, no, no, no, no. You have to go there with the mindset that you are being held accountable and that you will be held accountable. Then you're going to set yourself up for failure. And then also, in addition to this ayah we also have to remember that we took a very serious oath with al-Husbandah, right? In the primordial realm when he asked us, al-Husbandah and we said, this is before the dunya started, when the souls were created and we were all gathered, we had this exchange. So this is again to remind us that he put a responsibility on us even then in that realm and we acknowledge that, yes, you are our Lord, we worship you, we obey you and part of al-Husbandah is taking these verses to heart and actually reflecting on that and seriously and again, just stripping the mind from this idea that because my parents want me to and because I want companionship I'm just going to get married for all these worldly reasons. It's an amenah and we're going to talk about that what that really means. So this is another hadith that is very powerful because it reinforces this idea that, there we go. The Baaz al-Islam said, Alla kullu qum r'ayn wa kullu qum masoolun an r'aynati What is this?  It's one of my favorite hadiths because if you really look at the description and it's such a beautiful analogy it's a beautiful text because that's just a part of it.  The leader of the people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian for her husband's home and his children and she is responsible for them. And the servant of a man is the guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. Now this is again, so crystal clear subhanallah. We are literally told to arise to the challenge and become leaders, right? Because when you think of a shepherd what is he doing for sheep? What do they do? What do you imagine them with? What are they holding in their hand? What's their purpose? To guide. To guide. To gather them in a certain way. Very good. Keep them safe. Very good. Masha'Allah. So what do they hold in their hand? What's that called? The staff. The staff, very good. So the shepherd has a staff or a flock. Now if you pay attention closely it has like a hook. What's the hook for? It's a long staff, right? It's multifunctional, but what's that for? So three different things that the shepherd does with his staff. A, he uses it as a long arm. If you're looking at obviously even in this image hundreds of animals and he just puts his hands out and goes over this way. The animals right in front of him are what you're going to see, right? So it's a way to have reach. Pay attention to the words I'm using. So he extends his arm to have reach. Then the crook is for animals that fall. Animals that go astray. Sometimes the sheep or goat for example fall into a bush or they fall over a cliff and they're injured or the baby goes away from its mother. So to wrangle an animal with your own physical force is difficult but that crook helps them pull by the neck, pull by the ankle and so that's part of it. So that gives them control. Reach, control and then it's also used as a walking stick to feel the terrain, right? Just imagine you're in charge of guiding groups, a large group of animals from one place to the other whether it's to feed or whatever. Your job is to make sure that the terrain with which they walk upon is safe. So they're also securing them. Not just safe from actual physical land what's going on with the ground but also from predators, right? So to be vigilant, to make sure that you know that the shepherd knows what animals and threats are out there. Also to know if those animals are present the shepherd needs to know how to protect so they have the rod. So they have a staff and then they have another it's like a club kind of that they usually hold and that club is if they need to kill a snake or if they need to push a predator away or intimidate them somehow they have that. So these are tools in their hand to know, right, to protect their herd. And so, again, this analogy is powerful because you can apply it to parenting so easily. We need to, as parents, make sure that we have reach with our children, right? We're going to talk about what that means. Basically open communication, right? If you can't reach your children because, hey, you're unavailable, you're too busy or you just don't know how to communicate with them effectively, right? They're going to wander off, right? And that's what so many parents are dealing with where there's a total block. They can't reach their children. Their children have no respect for them. They disregard them. And a lot of kids are doing this. They're lying. They're, you know, doing things behind their parents back if it's like that, whatever. And, you know, this is where we, as leaders, have to not blame the children. Look to ourselves. Did I do this? Did I, you know, extend my arms and let them know I'm here for them? Or did I just, you know, let them wander off and now I'm worried they're freaking out. And so a lot of parents find themselves in. So we need to make sure we have reach and then control. If they fall, what do you do? Right? If God forbid something happens, do you know what to do? And this is where, you know, in the next slide, we'll talk a little bit more detail. But that's why that crook is so dirty. If you don't have a way to pull them out of danger, right? If you don't have a way to control the situation, if it's get, you know, then what do you expect? You can't have these, you can't give them the next most important thing which is security, right? And that, so those three things are what a shepherd's aim is. To make sure they have reach, to make sure they have control, and to make sure they have security. And that's also why they walk, you know, ahead. And that's, I think, the point that I really want to drive home is being ahead, okay? You don't let the herd just go out and then you follow them. You as the shepherd have to be ahead. So when it comes to parenting, that's why doing an education before you're actually in it really matters. And so I took a little survey before some of you walked in. Are there any single people here? Like, who are not married? Really hoping for at least one. We'll make an example out of you, inshallah. But, you know, I was just saying that it's so important we do this type of education before. I mean, how do they ever hear? But that's what effective leadership is, that you recognize, this is a huge amenah from Allah, I'm going to be held accountable. I'm going to educate myself before I get into it and really focus on the right things, right? And so what does that mean? Well, to prepare for leadership and you have to understand yourself. You cannot, like, go into any role if you don't know who you are, right? And this is a core belief of our tradition. Whoever knows himself knows their Lord. So self-awareness, self-knowledge is very, very important. And what does that mean? Practically, you should know your personality type. Raise your hand if you've ever taken a personality test before. Good. And you should know that and that should be, you should be well versed in explaining your personality to the people in your life. Raise your hand if as a family you've ever taken a personality test before. Okay? So that's your homework, okay? Do that. Take personality tests with your family.  They should know your personality type. It is very important. Know your temper. What does that mean? There's an entire body of science that up until recently, educators and psychologists, psychologists, psychiatrists, people of mental health were used and was called before temperaments. And then, you know, there's been a clear sort of divide between tradition and science and so anything that even had a hint of religious tradition or anything like that is being moved out of scientific literature and science and stuff. But these are things that they were using not too long ago.  What is all this for? It's because, again, if you don't have self-knowledge and self-awareness, how do you possibly go and have the confidence to raise another human being? Or not just one, but two in some cases, three, four, five. Some of our moms are like, eight, 10. Like, oh my gosh, what a tax. You're going to try to raise eight to 10 children and you don't even know yourself well. And unfortunately, you know, self-knowledge wasn't a priority for most of, you know, our parents and the older generation because they'll survive it, right? The luxury is that they're taking personality tests, right? Like, it's slipping their coffee. They were like, I got to live, you know? So we're not in that position. That's why for us, it's honestly like, it's pretty like, if we're behind all these things, we have no excuse. And that's part of passive parenting which we're going to talk about. But knowing yourself, knowing your basic needs, okay, for example, and I don't like people joke about this, but it's actually really important.  Like, if you don't eat, like you get, it really affects you, right? Okay. So now I want you to think about this.  You didn't fulfill your own need. You have to, it doesn't make you selfish. If you know that I need to eat at a certain time and I have to because otherwise, I suffer and I just kind of let go and then it just comes out in really wrong ways. Take care of your needs. There's nothing wrong with that, okay? And it's actually, you know, like they say on the airplane, the mask on first and say, worry about everything else. But it comes to parenting, you have to do that. You have to know your own needs, make sure you take care of those needs. So that's why it's important. Let me look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs to kind of see where you are. But the most important thing, when it comes to parenting and knowing yourself, you have got to know the diseases of your heart. If you don't, please look into getting this book because it's called Purification of the Heart and it's all about the diseases of the heart that every single one of us have. We are all infected, probably with all of them, to a certain degree, but some more than others. And again, as a leader, if you're not aware of your own diseases, right? If you're not aware of your own spiritual shortcomings and yet your task as a Muslim parent is to raise another human being and give them guidance, does it make any sense if you're totally oblivious to your own faults? So you have to be, this is what self-knowledge is. Being aware of your own diseases, being aware of your own limitations, right? And once you're taking care of your needs and you're working properly, so it's not like it's like, oh, okay, I resolved it. No, no, no. You have to be willing to continue that work. But once you're, not aware of yourself, at least you're asking these questions, then you need to look at, again, those in your care. What are their needs? Right? What are their needs? So for husbands, this is really important that you pay attention to the needs of your wives. Not in, you know, it's very natural it happens when we focus on our own needs first. But if you pay attention to your partner's needs first and they're doing the same, guess what? Everybody's needs get up in, right? But if you're paying attention to my needs and they're paying attention to their needs, nobody's needs are getting fulfilled. But that's usually what we end up doing, right? Where we just were like, oh, I love this and I used to do that and it's a lot of I, I, I. But really paying attention to the needs of your partner is important because it makes you a team, right? And you can't be offensive parents if you don't work together. It's just, it's not going to happen. You'll, something will fall apart eventually because children pay attention and you know, it's just, it's like picking and choosing and it just causes, but the, so you want to really take it seriously where you pay attention to those in your care and also have sense to your children looking at what their needs are and understanding the potential dangers and threats and talk a little bit about that earlier when you referenced the shepherd. The shepherd knows to look out and know what to look for. Do you know what's going on with your children? Maybe you have any idea what kids are exposed to for example online? You know, people need to know this and I know so many parents they admit that they don't know anything. I don't like social media, I'm not on it. We know what? Don't be on it for yourself. But if you don't know what's going on and you have a teenager you know, a few years, if you don't know in a few years they're going to come to you and say, I want Snap, I want Instagram or if they, it might be like over by one and they'll be a new app, right? So they turned over so quickly. But like at some point they're going to ask for these things and if you're a clueless and so many parents are, I have done parenting, workshops on social media and I can't tell you even afterwards how devastating it is how parents come up and say, I don't know what to do. My child is completely addicted. They know everything and I don't know. I think a lot of moms and dads were just, you know, maybe for language barriers or whatever. You know, they just don't know. They have these formal situations at home where their kids are exposed to everything. You know and they didn't know what to do. So you don't have to know what are the potential dangers and threats out there. What are my kids being exposed to? You just have to know sometimes life is going to throw you really difficult situations but you have to know hey, how can I prevent these things from happening, how can I protect them and what resources are out there, right? So seeking counsel when needed. There's so many parents and families that are suffering because they don't reach out. And this is why, you know, I've been doing mental advocacy and health advocacy for a long time because in our community we have a problem and this goes back to what what I talked about in the beginning. We're so stuck on the dream. We're so stuck on selling that perfect image that anything that breaks that up even if it means having a healthier family is just too intimidating. We don't want to know we have problems so we don't talk about anything. We hush hush or we try to self fix and I've seen things just spiral out of real control. I've had moms call me in panic over really, really terrifying things and I'm not exaggerating when I say this but what do I do when it's like wait, wait, wait this problem's been going on for how long? What? Over a year? Over two years? And now you're trying to do something? So we have to wake up and say part of being effective parents is we need to know A, what the, you know, what the dangers are but also seek counsel when it's needed. And then of course like I said before ultimately you have we have to rely on God and submit to His will. Outcomes we cannot control. You can do everything perfectly as a parent and the outcome might not be what you want. That's not on you. If you were effectively leaving and you were doing everything perfectly and something happened that's not on you.  And so that takes a lot of pressure because I know a lot of parents especially of teens blame themselves. What did I do wrong? If you start, you know just leave the outcome to Allah so that obviously pray for the best ask for the best do everything in your power but don't focus on that because if that becomes your focus where it's like everything has to be perfect then you know again you're missing it. You have to focus on yourself. What are you doing? So, and then you know just to further emphasize before as a strong leader you have to know your responsibilities first and then your rights. So when it comes to your children first study the rights of children over the parents. Don't focus on, you know because bin al-Radi day is exploited in our cultures. It's not 100% exploited. So much spiritual abuse happens because parents use this, you know beautiful part of our faith to exploit their children, right? And it starts very early. Like you see, you know authoritative parenting models can be very toxic too.   That's what you say to a four or five year old child like what's going on? It's not effective parenting. And if you're doing any of that such stops like children are beautiful and they're pure and they don't need to hear harsh language like that. So, but if you're going in again with this construct that you know what I'm entitled to things, right? I'm entitled to my children listening to me they're a baby and you come with that attitude then that's all you care about and then what about their rights over you to even know what they are have you ever studied or taken a class there's classes on this material there's books written on this material but again this is you know where we as responsible leaders and parents it's our charge to do this work we have to be looking into this stuff and so, you know and then also just culture define your parenting model or does this matter be honest, right? If you're parenting based on what your cultural attitudes are expectations are and that means that you forego clear you know rules in Islam that is a huge problem I'll give you an example for example double standards okay? raise your hand if you I'm talking about women as you can see looking over here because this happens a lot in our cultures raise your hand if there were total double standards between the way you were treated and the way your brothers were treated in your household okay? like rules okay? for example chores right? do your brothers have to wash dishes and set up a table and like you know do things like that I mean if they did mashallah good parenting but a lot of our in our homes if you knew and I teach like my sister in law now a lot of them teaches me if you knew the way that we were raised like we were serving you know serving the boys you know when they come to the house like on a tray I never got that I walked in late after our work shift I was like go get your own food it was sort of me having so definitely double standards with things like that chores absolutely I don't think I ever in my life saw how I would do anything like like a like a domestic task I just really can't work like but we used to have to vacuum clean the bathrooms make arbors make hazmets so there's definitely double standards right in some of our cultures even with curfews right? curfews I mean I couldn't be outpasses from point of parents didn't care what the brothers were so this is cultural boys, girls and the same stuff what this that washes dishes they have to wash dishes fold laundry fold laundry take out the garbage take out the garbage cut the grass you know this division of labor based on gender is very odd because again it goes against the sun the problem is someone who still washes his own dishes he's done many of his own folks so are those two girly for boys to do things over and if those are the types of things that are going on in their home where there's definite you know separation based on gender you have to go back and say am I what am I doing am I creating maybe some resentment and entitlement am I creating am I planting seeds that are going to be really disastrous for my children as they grow up because my daughter is going to be resentful and I have a boy who's just like hey where's my tray of food you know or you know picking on his wife and expecting all these things I contributed to the cycle so you have to know again think about this this is really where you as a parent you have to be responsible and then being the guy who you want your children to follow you cannot you know the proper guy is but you can't they learn from imitation they learn from listening and observing so you can't say do as I say and how as I do it doesn't work it's like literally hypocrisy that is the spreading of effect but a lot of parents that's how they parent because I said so no break it down explain to your children the wisdoms of things and be fair and be equitable and don't be a hypocrite if you say something do it if you don't do something don't you know tell them how to do it that's how it should be don't do it don't tell them not to do it but you can't be doing it so be really sincere in terms of setting a good example and then this is you know the next point is really important we're going to get to that just tailored parenting tailored parenting is really accepting the idea that no two children are the same the one size fits all model may work when it comes to tools and just sort of setting sort of you know like house rules but not when it comes to one on one connection with parenting you have got to focus in and know who your children are okay and then you know we talked a little bit about earlier knowing the dangers that work and if we have time we'll try to get to the temperance but let's just quickly this is again the characteristics of an effective leader just to summarize for you these are things that you should ask yourself do I have do you have strong communication skills okay are you able to really communicate effectively do you know like how to articulate what you're feeling or is it a struggle for you and if it's a struggle for you that's not something that you can't work on sometimes people just say well I don't know I just have just a few words and that's it conversations end that way but you probably do have a lot to say it's just a matter of the medium so strong communication skills doesn't mean strong speaking skills necessarily maybe writing is more effective maybe you do need an arbitrator or mediator but that's effective communication if you even recognize that right that I need to work on maybe I can't get through my child or I don't know how but you have to know if these are skills you have are you passionate you know as a parent are you truly commitment or are you checked out just be honest because you can again solve something you know resolve issues if you're not willing really clear the other way if you're like yeah I'm not interested you know I'm in a mode where I want to do my own thing right now parenting is kind of a burden you know it's like oh too much I have to clean I have to help them with their homework I want to be honest about that that's saying that you right now in a place in your life where you need more right and honestly if it's you know it's a very subjective because every situation is different some people who have been sacrificing and sacrificing and sacrificing so they do get to that point where it's like yeah I had children I stayed home I did my work I put aside all my dreams I didn't go to school I didn't do anything and now at a point where I really want to focus on that it doesn't make you a bad parent okay it doesn't make you a bad parent because in Islam Alhamdulillah we're multifaceted and all parts of us should be celebrated just because you're a parent doesn't mean that you can't also be an entrepreneur an artist you don't have your own thing going on I think again culturally these are things that we're told like if you're a good mom you just sacrifice your life forever just die sort of your children and your husband of course don't do anything but right and if you're a father too if you're a good father your whole life should basically be like like you should be working until like before you enter the grade right and these are the cultural crazy ideas that we you know have that we perpetuate like am I an effective parent if I am checked out no so maybe I need to work on balance so that I can find the time to be committed to my children when I miss them but also pursue my passions this is self-awareness self-knowledge this is the type of stuff that you need to look at positivity and of course if you're happy and you're fulfilled you're going to be more positive innovation this is not the doubt okay so don't get me in trouble there's just a word like everybody creates that okay learning how to be creative with your children hiding you ideas and ways to teach them things that's you know part of effective parenting but if again if you're passive in your parenting you're not checked out you're too busy you know trying to figure your own self out or you're like really just overwhelmed maybe you're carrying burdens maybe your parents are older and you're working and you've just got a lot of responsibility it's going to be it's natural that these things aren't going to really you know come out but how do you fix it right and in collaboration so being you know looking at your family as a student it's very important that we kind of this authoritative model of parenting as I said before is kind of it's very top down right when you actually look at your family and you talk in a language that's collaborative especially if you have teenagers this is very healthy because they they feel like they're part of the team right and they're not just barking at them and telling them what to do or just respecting them they're actually like it's a success and so collaboration is really important okay any questions there are a few more slides but any questions at this point that's can you might even look at innovation? sure innovation is being created like yes coming up with like creative ideas of things to do with your children but this also takes you back to knowing your children's interests right if you're not paying attention and you're just like go to school do your chores you know do this and it's just kind of a lot of existence for them and there's no time where you can actually connect and say you know what what are you interested in let's go to this museum let's go try this class out let's try doing something you know then it becomes again very like you're not you're not in it whereas innovation requires you to be present requires you to be in it right it requires you to really pay attention to your children to base what you know on your own because it's a class yes so in that situation I know you said that there's some you try your best with Karen and then it's a little bit obviously great for her but how do you manage the relationship with the child at that point very good I mean they're still your children you know and even I've had people approach me through difficult situations and they don't know what to do because it's affected their heart towards their children they feel betrayed But just like we tell our converts, you know, to Islam, that, oh, you have to still review respectful and maintain those relationships, inshallah, we can't be perfect, we have to do the same thing. They're still our children, we still have to leave that door open with them, and just really look at them like, you know, it's difficult, and I know people who are going through this right now, but honestly, it's a matter of what's better for them, that you push them away, and you judge them, that you're critical of them, and you basically throw them right back into the arms of those who are willing to take them from you, or that you leave the door open, leave the lines of communication open, be understanding, be respectful, and show them that, you know, if you're thinking thin, I'm still mom, I'm still dad, right? Inshallah, maybe somewhere down home, maybe it won't be said, and maybe it won't be, you know, for a while, maybe it will be a long while, maybe they'll above all, you know, he's a, he's a, you know, he's a flipper of hearts, and the power and the law, the power and law of the parents is, you know, unmatched, so there's so much that we can do if we just step back and realize, outcomes, I'm not responsible for outcomes, right? I cannot control outcomes. If a wills something, he wills it. What I can control is what I do, and my, you know, response should be of compassion, of mercy, and of course, making the law and asking for it. So, the thing is, this conversation, sometimes it brings me, because I'm a immigrant, so I don't feel like if I was in that situation, I'm not going to bring them, I'm going to bring myself, I'm the one who brought them here. So, I don't know, I feel like, okay, it's so hard, how can you deal with it? Right.  Well, it's your fault. You're in the moment of being in it, right? So, I was not going to judge you based on you making a constraint and coming to another country, you know, for me, I'm sure your intention was not to have your children have to go astray. Okay, you've done it in the beginning. Right. Yes, but there's dangers even in recent countries. Nowadays, if you do, if you look at the polls, there's huge numbers of people who are completely deflected from Islam coming out of most of the majority countries. So, Allah is the only one who got it. It's not necessarily the people you're around or where you are, you know, your location. It's a guidance that's from Allah. And that's why, again, your job as a parent, if you're following along, is to be that shepherd, right? So, yes, you bring that maybe to somewhere that there's more dangers, but if you're on top of those dangers, if you're ahead of those dangers, if you put things in, you know, like if you have things in motion or systems in place so that it prevents harm from coming, you're doing your due diligence, right? So, for example, bringing that shot loss in the message. This is a huge blessing that we have. So, there's so many people. Why is it that, when we talk about the dead ring of Allah, this is mentioned, that we have this influx of people who come and they sort of disappear, right?  You have to encourage your family, take your children to the masjid. This place is not easy. The vineyard is not easy, you know, living in this time and day. It's not easy. The masjid will keep them insha'Allah grounded and I'm going to talk about that, you know, reflecting some statistics that are really insha'Allah hopeful, to just give us more encouragement, that there are things that we can do, making sure that the company they keep, that's why that friend, that sister of Gigi, the company she keeps is very important. As parents, we should absolutely know who your children's friends are. You should know who they talk to. If you don't know, oh, what's her name? Who are you talking to? Oh, okay. And that's the conversation that's, no, no, no. Who is she? What are her parents like? What does she do? You have to, you literally request them to buy a bag for every friend.  There's so much, like, research out there. They talk, talks about the enormous influence that, you know, peer-to-peer, you know, kids have over each other. So you're literally handing them to complete strangers if you don't know who they are.  So these are the types of things that we have to do, right? And if you're doing, sometimes, I know you said be your child's friend. I agree with all of that. But sometimes when you give them choices, they sort of start leading you. Right. So I'm one of those parents who's very authoritative. I am my dad's child. So I just say it and it has to happen. Alhamdulillah, so far it has worked. Alhamdulillah. And I did advise a friend to try that with her kids because her kids do not want to come to them. Yeah, as mentioned. So now she kind of claims and I'm seeing her kids here. Alhamdulillah. Don't give them choices, right? Right. We probably don't get choices. So let that be the answer for them. Yes. It is like a ban. Eventually, if all the station and even first of all, it becomes the opposite. Yes. No, no, as far as the authoritative part, there's a time of place for it. Absolutely. But I think it's, when it becomes the only model of which you parent, that's an issue. And we'll talk about the why. Because the effects of that on every stage in childhood are lasting, right? And we're going to get to that. But if you know that these are the characters of an effective leader, then the next step is accepting again that parenting is 100% kind of model. OK? And if you see your children as just extensions of you, this is a real serious problem. They're not. They're not.  But they're not yours. The kids are not yours.  We can. Better belong to you. They belong to Alhamdulillah. Halas. He literally is giving them to us for an appointed time. And he will hold this account for how we took care of that model. When it's time to return them. So if you really, really believe in that, and you take things very different, you look at them very differently.  And then you explain that. You abuse your authority. And it just becomes a very toxic environment. But if it's like, wait a second. This is almost how much property, right? Even though it came from my body and I helped create that, I I need to really, really be careful of what I do with this. It's fragile, right? It's fragile. The children are fragile. Then you parent with more presence. You actually hold yourself accountable.  I'll let it come home. Alhamdulillah. He was only 13 years old. And according to everything that people have said about him, Alhamdulillah, he was like a little angel, a child, right? He was adab. He was beautiful, shy. He just had the most excellent manners. He was, they loved the Quran. Sweet. He just did everything right, inshallah. The parents were clearly doing everything right. But, you know, why did Allah's father take him? Because he can't. Allah's. They belong to him. He can take them, whatever he wills. And we can't question his will. And that's iman. Iman is believing that children are not ours. They are Allah's. Just like we belong to Allah. And we have to take that charge seriously. And the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said, What does that mean? The signs of a hypocrite. Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie. Whatever he promises, he always breaks it. And if you trust him, he proves to be dishonest. So may Allah protect us from being part of this category. The trust he's given us, right? Children are out of trust. And the way that we prevent ourselves, again, from faltering and abusing this trust is by what? Fear Allah. And treat your children small or grown fairly with equal justice. We have to be fair. We have to have equal justice. There's a lot of favoritism. I know that happens with families. And if you're one of those parents where you do favor one over the other, you're going to be having problems for that.  No, candy. And then the other one is like, maybe they're bratty and they did something that upset you early in the day. You can't have any. That's so wrong. Slap along. That's what we have parents do. They totally do their favorites with their children. And this is a direct command from Allah. Fear Allah. And treat your children small or grown fairly with equal justice. That's why what we talked about earlier, the double standards are so toxic and so harmful. Because a lot of children get mistreated because of double standards. So parents have to be careful. And then another hadith that really emphasizes how we're responsible for so much of what happens to them. No child is born except on al-Fitr. Every child is born on al-Fitr. And then the parents make him either Jewish, Christian, Magian, you know, that goes on. So what is this telling us? All of our children are born pure. Whatever they come out to, because of our negligence, right, is on us. But what I was saying earlier, if you're doing everything right, you don't blame yourself. It's when you're negligent, when you're failing, when you're not present, when you're completely letting the television set or their phone and the internet, you know, parent, your children.  So that fear should strike you. Like stop for a while. I need to take this more seriously. I need to start doing stuff, right? And that's why, you know, knowing your children's rights and when they're mandated by God, children have rights. You have to give them their heart. So fathers, I mean, this is, you know, in the Quran, bearing the costs of their food, clothing, on equitable terms. So being fair with your children in terms of what you provide for them, their sustenance. You can't get your favorite child, the nineties, and then take your other child to like pay less, you know. It doesn't work though. Equitable terms. And the both of them said that one of the rights of children over their parents is being given a nice name. Okay. I mean, this is for those who are expecting, make sure that you give your children names that reflect what you want to see in them, inshallah. Not just what grandma wants.  For example, I had my second child. My first child is Yaseen. And so my second child, I wanted to name him Matin. Right. So original. So I was like, I see Matin how cute. And then I asked our, my teacher, I said, you know, is this a good name? And he said, no, don't name him Matin. Why? Because Matin is about might. It's a, it's a, you know, one of the attributes of Allah, but it describes like, like strength and might. And it's almost to be feared.  And so I was like, oh no, you're right. So, alhamdulillah. It was good Nasiha. That changed his name to something totally different. Ismail. Alhamdulillah. You know, and, you know, he was born literally smiling. Like he had a huge smile on his face when I first saw him. And Mashallah, he's a very smiley kid. I mean, not the Ismail, you know, it's a, it's a play on the word. But Mashallah, like he, he's a, he's treated his name in many ways, but that's just one of them. So naming your children is really important. And then having a good education, you have to provide for them. Make sure that they, you know, are, are learning good, learning well. And that doesn't mean just giving a top 10 school, or schools that have a top 10 rating, but it's actually looking at the character of the teacher, right, that is going to be teaching your child.  If you allow them to have that access to your children's heart, especially young kids, right? If you, and I don't, you know, sometimes parents work and they have other obligations.  But you have to be careful. Every single person that comes in contact with your children, if they don't have that character that you want your children to eventually reflect you're exposing them to stuff. So this is just mindful parenting. You know, they're making sure that education is just, is not just beyond the classroom. It's really a matter of who's teaching your children. And anything, right? And being careful about that. And then back to the Taylor parenting. Again, I can't emphasize this even, I mean, there's research and research that shows that even identical twins in the same home, with the same exact parenting, eating the same exact food, doing everything, come out completely different, right? Because no two children are the same. So when we talk about Taylor parenting, this is what we're talking about. And these quotes from, I didn't even have to go over, really important because someone mentioned earlier, and we have to think about this. We all do it, right? We all eventually model parenting that are, you know, that was down to us, onto our children. One of them said, I'll turn it into my mom, turn it into my dad. Yeah. And things that we thought would never do end up doing, right? And this is a form of passive parenting, okay? Because very clearly, do not raise your children the way your parents raised you. They were born for a different time. And that doesn't mean across the board, like you can't take things that your parents taught you. It's a matter of really focusing on the nuances, on the differences that your children, with the environment, everything that's changing around that and making sure that you're, you know, as your parenting, you're sensitive to those things. You're aware of those things.  And I've seen this happen, even in my own family, you know, where it's the same sort of, you know, again, model, but it's like it's not working with this generation of children. You have to do something different. And then, clear instructions here for us, and Pichala, we'll get to that, are, you know, how to look at your children as they go through different stages. So those first seven, stages, I'm sure we've all heard this, but we're going to talk about what this means. Play with them until they're seven. Discipline and teach them from seven to 14. And then be friendly to them at the age of 14. So whatever age you find yourself in, there's something in this for you. So let's look at spiritual audio in early childhood. So how many of you have children between ages of two and seven? Okay, so this is a very tender age. Okay. What do they need the most? They need love. They need safety. They need guidance. Right. So knowing those needs, right. Paying attention to what they need. Now what tools can you use?  At this age, storytelling. Okay. With animation, you have to be willing to be silly. Okay. I ran a preschool for three years. And one of the funny things that we noticed was, again, it comes back to, you know, we're just so worried about our image that some moms who like, they look at us like we're crazy. When we're like, ah, you know, we're dancing and we're like, you know, his face is, and we have pockets on our fingers.  I'm in like, play world. I'm an animation world. But they can't do that. They're like, I don't know how you do that. Like I just can't. I can't do that. I can't do those voices. I can't get, you know, down and do all the stuff.  And they're living in a totally exciting universe and you're not willing to go to their universe. But yet, you want them to do it perfectly, right?  We don't make mistakes, you know. Say something to every single person. You know, so they have all these very strict rules that we want our children to follow because it all affects good on us. But we're not willing to meet them where they are at. And that's why story time is so important for children. This is my own advice, you know, but they have such an incredible imagination. So, stories of the prophets or stories from the seat of what happened in the Cave of Halo, right? But this is a really incredible story. If you actually think about it, and this is where innovation kind of comes into play, think about how can I tell, retell this story in a way where my children will get it, right? You don't have to get into this deep detail of the prophet was, you know, worried about the polytheism, that kind of like, you don't need to go from that angle. Just say, she used to go on a mountain because you wanted to get away from all the noise.  So you want a mountain top and you'd go there for like 40 days, you know, and kind of really get to express that about how you tell this story. And then just describe what happens. Can you just imagine in a time and place when they don't have artificial lights or anything like that, that all of a sudden, this being of light enters this cave and it's almost blinding, you know, to the bulk of the setup, and then this whole exchange chat. This is how you tell a story to a child, that you bring them in to this magical world. Why do you think all these cartoons and movies, you know, CGI, why do you think it's so, why do they make millions and millions of colors over here? Because children love that type of wild, you know, magical sort of stories. They love those types of things. We have them and they're real and we don't tell them. It's not in their watch. I mean an animal that has wings, right? And I've done these, so I'm telling you like what you see, the children are like, they're just like, as you're describing what's happening, they're just in complete captivated mode. If you want to get a child's attention, you tell them really powerful stories. That's the problem that we have that. Or even other stories, you know, about animals that speak. It's all in the scene, you know. There's animals that spoke to the policy center and to profit. So they've done ants and, you know, camels. Animals that literally spoke. These stories that our children should know. Rocks, mountains, trees that spoke. Again, bringing that into that world of wonder, of awe. This is the age to do that stuff. Okay? Stories about Jenna. You should absolutely be talking about Jenna to your children. Any young age. Just get that one. And, you know, I lived at this funeral yesterday. Hunted in that. A friend of mine was sort of worried about whether or not she should take the kids. And I said, you should take your children. I take my children to females. Why? Why are we running away from females? No, no, no. Stuffed in a lot. Life and death. It's like a cycle.  And we don't fear death. Death and it should not be something you teach your children to fear. Okay? That's very borrowed from like Western society. Death is a transition. It's a move from one dimension to another. And the first time in place for everything, you have to know your own children. But generally speaking, if you make death, you know, about going to Jenna and meeting Allah swt. It's not something that they're going to fear. Okay? But if you make it about going six feet under and having dirt running and worms eating your body and an angel is coming to Hannah, there's parents who talk to their kids about Shaitan and Jahannam when they're like four and three. See, no business talking to them about Jahannam and Shaitan and throwing, like, you know, threatening them.  Like what is that? Like stuffed in a lot. But there's parents who use fear tactics to try to, you know, teach their children at that age, that's horrifying. Because just like their imagination can imagine all the amazing things, they can also imagine the monstrous things, things that are dark and just not, you know, stuck a lot. You have to stay away from those topics, you know. And even introducing concepts, like I remember Hashan, one of the best, the best I got from, from Shahadzah actually was not to introduce lying to your children at this age. Like if they tell you something and you go, are you lying? This is terrible because you're literally introducing to them a concept of deception which is a purposefully like evil act. They do not lie in that age. They're innocent. They're living in an imaginary world. So if they drop a glass and you say, did you drop that? And they say, that is not the same as deception. Because in their mind, they might have created a scenario where they truly don't think they do. Now are the facts, are those the facts? No. Maybe they just, you know, are created again a fantasy of you know, they were playing with an imaginary sentence and they're not really friends of it. You need to never know for you to introduce this concept of deception at an early age, it's ruining that myth that they have because you're actually blaming them for doing something that's intentional. Right? Do you get it? Is to deceive and to lie is intentional. You're purposefully doing that. But children don't do that. They're just in a different, they're in an optimal basically in that imaginative playbook. So that was really good in seeing that scenario. So don't introduce concepts like that or that is a sin.  Why do I want to talk about sinning? And that's different from like saying we don't do that. If you can say we don't, you know, eat pork. We don't do those things as Muslims. But to introduce the concept of sin when it's too early is might be useful. Any questions about that? I have a question. Yes. So when they when they brought something they say they didn't do it. So in that case you can, you know, again, ask them, say to them what happened. Let them explain. And you might get a really cool story out of it. And it might make you laugh and forget all about confidence that matters because it's like, wow, I was going to imagine it today. Right? But as long as you know that they're young and innocent mistakes happen and you have to be forgiving and compassionate and not like, how did you know if it was unintentional accidents happen? But let them explain to you what happened and just kind of go a little bit. I mean, I've had exchanges with my kids too. It's like, really, really, really good. But you know, you kind of just let go after a while and you realize that their intention is, maybe they are scared and they're trying to, you know, get a lot of punishment and even that it's innocence to that, right? But to actually blame them to purposely deceive you is not fair. Sometimes they like hide the truth because maybe it wasn't nothing that you're punishing for that. I don't think I'm conveying it. She wants to please you. So maybe she did something wrong. Yes. And then you ask her, do you do that? Yeah. She doesn't want to do it. She doesn't want to do it. So I feel sometimes something is going to happen. Well, you have to then at that point say, you can tell me the truth. And I'm like, you know, with our kids, my husband's here, we have a very clear rule with them. It's very clear that you will, you will, if you tell us the truth, it's better for you. Like, even if it's something that you're afraid of or you know, you think it's bad, it's better for you. Like, we will forgive more, like we're likely to forgive more if you tell us the truth. So you create that very safe environment for them because it's for her, it's a choice of, like I said, pleasing you or you know, misleading you. You have to say, don't mislead. Don't let that be an option ever. Tell me the truth. You know, tell me what happened. And it's okay. I'll, you know, we'll move to my state. You know, if it's a matter of seeing your disappointed girl and you scold her afterwards, right? That's what she doesn't want. Like, Mom was suddenly disappointed with me and now she thinks like, I should do this. And we tend to do that, right? It's natural. It's like, how can she, I shouldn't have done that. And now you're recommending, so she doesn't want to do that. So you just say, no, I'm going to tell you this, I don't want to do it anymore.  This is the way to encourage them. And shella, if you plant these seeds young, that by the time they're teenagers and they're in high school, that is set in some kind of imprinted in their mind that you're forgiving. That you're willing, that it's better to tell the truth, right? That in any way, like, whatever the case may be, there should be no option to not tell the truth. Like the only option is to tell the truth. But that's going to be much more, I mean, if you think for a high schooler or a teenager, there's so much opportunities to see the truth. Yeah. Don't you want them to feel like they're not an option? I have to tell them the truth, right? I have to tell my dad the truth. I have to, there's just no, that's what I would want. So I wanted to create that from a very young age. And that's why I'm trying to allow you to, again, encourage them not to see anything about their attention, just focus on, you know, correct them and maybe maybe leave them. But in that moment, let them just applaud them for the truth. Yeah! I think people want to ask about the concept of sting. Yeah. You said we should not introduce that to them. So, things like that, the example you mentioned, we don't, you know, she asked me, why we don't? So, because I'm not that good. Yes. So, what would happen to people who doesn't do that? So, a little bit angry? A little bit angry, yeah. That's almost, that's fine. A little bit unhappy. So, making a little happy and unhappy is fine. I think the concept of sting and reason why is it's so tied to morality. When we tie it to morality, then you have, you're opening up a can of water with a discussion that's going to get sort of confusing. For example, gender relations. If you introduce an idea that's too early for children, how do you justify why a woman can't wear, like if you say it's harmful, you're going to have to show my hair in front of another woman. What? What are you going to say? I'll ask that too. Okay, it will be on that. They keep probing. Wow. You see? Now it's like you have to explain philosophy and hayat, but what's the point? Because, I never mind. You know, like you're introducing concepts that are too early for that because not if they explain, what is what I'm saying, is that when you, when you say things from that language, it's going to make them want to know. But if you focus on the positive, like we do this because it makes Allah so kind of happy. Not because we do it because it's going to, you know, there's a sin attached to it. You see what I'm saying? Like you wear hijab because it makes Allah so happy. Not because it's wrong to show my hair. Do you get the difference? It's the way you present it. In the first example, you're presenting it as an act of duty and devotion, love for Allah, and that's it. And generally, it's simple. They get it. But when you say, we don't do it because this is wrong and it's a sin, see that language? Now they're curious. Well, why? And then you open the dialogue and you can get to a place where it's uncomfortable because you don't know where to go. How do I, you know, it's like, I don't know. I've got to say it. Not all things can be addressed the same positively. But sometimes one of them, why don't you talk to me? I'm a lover somehow. It's cool. It's cool. It's just a piece. What's your name? Oh, that's a great name to bring. You know, that's a really good example because a lot of songs, even in my movies, popular movies, they're all just like, love, love, love, talk. And children, we understand that life very clearly, right as adults, if a little girl's in love with someone, that means something to us. But does it mean the same thing to the child? No. No. So don't react like it means the same thing. Just be like, Oh, what is he?  Oh my God. He's going to go to school. I'm going to freak out. Because if we have a lot that we don't, it's like that's your reaction. And clearly, you're treating it like it means the same thing to you. For her, it might just be an innocent phrase that she heard so much in. It just means I love her. You know? I just asked him, so what do you mean? She said, I'm unhappy with him. I'm happy. I'm happy with him. I'm happy with him. But he's not over it. But he's not over it. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh. So I wonder what you said. How can they reply to that? And then he's telling me, okay, my friend is telling me, okay, I'm going to say, we don't want to show you what you're trying to do. I love you. So I'm going to say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. They want that sweet rock. You know, but you don't want to sit there and make it to out to be something that's not. Because again, we're introducing ideas that unfortunately, in this society, they're already doing it.  So we can't contribute to that by freaking out. And I think that's why our reactions are really important. And so when they say innocent things like that, you have to learn on the fly how to just spin it back to something innocent and not let that, you know, get carried away with it. So it's, yeah, it takes some creativity. So that's where the innovation work comes in. All right, so the next stage, right, is the middle childhood. And this is, you know, from 7 to 14, what do they need? What do they need? What do they need? Do they need love? They need respect. And they need reassurance. This is very, very important. Yes. So I think what you're trying to do with your story about the girl who's actually offered her job and she's very strong at the beginning of this class and the mother came to you and said, well, these kids do this and they start talking to people about any of the stories that they're talking about. What did you suggest and what was your advice?  She's, because I knew her daughter. She used to come to our haraqas. And so we did, we actually had a conversation and part of the issue that she had was that she had actually a friend who was gay and the verses in the Quran that spoke about those things bothered her. So we addressed that topic. Alhamdulillah, it helped. And then I felt her in touch with other people that could, you know, that could help her further. Sort of, but I think it was helpful for her to hear that it wasn't just a black and white issue, which is what she was presented. But I have to choose this or, you know, or not choose it, but rather know there is actually, you know, don't, let's frame it in the correct way, because yes, even though it's something that we are very clear about in our tradition, individual people, we don't condemn, right? We can't do that. And I think that really helped her heart because she was just worried about her friend, you know, but, you know, it got into her, and it really affected her face. So this is why, again, as parents, we have to know, as I mentioned earlier, that when you're out of your, you know, a wheelhouse and you don't know what to do in terms of a situation, you have to know who to lean on. You have to know who to call on and know who are the mentors. Like, if you don't have, like, a person in your family or in circle that you can reach out to to for guidance on certain things, you should look for one, right? And there's much not a lot, especially in this community, we have a little center right there that can help with a lot of, you know, things, just the angst, you know, things that a lot of teenagers especially go through, peer pressure, all the stuff that we talked about. But even, you know, younger kids, if there's anything that comes up, there are all resources here, and then you have teachers here too, Masha'Allah, right? That can help. But anybody that you know who has experienced with children, just, and if they have their own children and they see them, Masha'Allah, they've successfully raised their children, those would be good people to just have in here, you know, speed down if you ever need to, Masha'Allah. But we're going to get to, to that, like demographic in a second. So this particular, the middle of childhood, it's really important that you again know what do they need, and you love specifications. And what they, the best way to reach, right? This age group is by storytelling, right? This is a good time. I think, and even our tradition is to teach them, start teaching them like fit and concepts that really make sense, right?  So this is a good age to start breaking things down and actually giving them answers, going over, like they were memorizing, for example, surahs at a younger age. Now they may start to talk about the meanings, right? Because when they're younger, they won't get a lot of the concepts that are coming on the surahs. But when they start to think and reflect on the world around them and their own place in the world, this is developmentally what's happening to them, then it's, they can reach that, that part of them.  So story time is very good. Stories from the planet here that display things that they also appear to, or appeal to, like valor and ability, courage, honesty, honor, bravery. These things appeal to kids in this age, right? So you want to look for stories from the sea that talk about that, like winning. Because there are a lot.  That's how everybody starts to see things. So that language, it's affecting them. They see, you know, yet they might give the underdog or they know kids they're being bullied or they know bullies. So when you speak to them about things that are, that they can relate to, it actually gets their interest. So speaking about stories about victory and overcoming hardships, those are really good ways to reach them. And then, like I said, you know, it's that, and, you know, explaining the wisdoms behind what we do, what we do. That's an important time to start doing that. And then practical rules and tips, life skills, to boost their confidence, you know, this is a very, very vulnerable age. And the more they can do that's unique and different, the better for them, right? So if you can teach them things or expose them to things that kind of set them apart from their peer groups, it boosts their confidence, right? So this is again where you have to get a little bit more creative and innovation really matters in terms of your parenting. And remember they're watching every single thing so you have to be authentic. And then the last group is the adolescence, right? And this is why, this is, you know, in the quote of, you know, he tells us, right, that this is the age where we have to be front of them. Why? Because they need love, respect, and empathy. This is where they're, you know, adulthood is, I mean, once they're about to embark on their own journeys of lives and they really need like someone to hold their hand and help them through that. So you can't, that opportunity of modeling of parenting is, is in my opinion, very destructive at this age. Here, it's not healthy to be broken orders and shouting and slamming doors and just arbitrarily throwing rules out to your children. You have to explain to them things. You have to respect them. You have to respect that they are adults from the asylum perspective. Unless your kid is puberty, they are adults. They're accountable to us for that. They have to identify time and day. They have to fast. They're adults.  They were actually treated like adults. Some of, you know, they're, they're battles that were led by, I think, 11 or 12 year old boys, you know. So they were treated with a certain sense of respect. And we don't do that anymore. We, you know, we really unfortunately treat children who are under 18 like they're deficient. So, you know, they don't know anything. And we know better than them. When we talk down to them, that's why we have so much resentment in a lot of households from teenagers towards their parents because there's no respect. You don't respect their privacy. Their need for just being by themselves sometimes. Right? Even their physical needs. They know how we've talked about being of good leaders.  Still to respect, for example, like there's articles about how they're popping out everywhere. So like, for example, children, especially teenagers, one of their primary basic physical needs is a lot. See, see. I can't tell you how many times I've personally witnessed parents really getting upset at their children and calling their names because they want to sleep.   Like they're totally useless because they want to sleep in and actually really just enjoy sleeping. They need to sleep. There's a lot of things going on.  Their physical bodies are transforming so that sleep helps them. For teenage brains, it's the same. They are going through major physical, physiological changes and the brain needs sleep.  That's why, you know, they'll just go to their room. You won't talk to them. They'll give you one of their answers.  They're just extensions of you. They're not perfect. There's something wrong with that. And then you get mad at them, right? And that's where that whole ideal that we create is so destructive and we have to stop that. They are in a manner. We are meant to do everything in our power to raise them to be decent human beings and inshallah excellent servants to Allah Subhanallah. That's our obligation. It's not so that they, you know, go to the best schools and that they're perfectly polished everywhere and they look amazing in every picture and I will take them around. There are trophies that we just sell, you know, carry around with us. But that's the kind of attitude a lot of parents have. So when you're, you know, child doesn't do what you want them to do and that you think they should do then it's just angered. It comes out. Right. But if you actually saw their individuality and learned about their personality and their differences you would see that they have different needs. I remember I gave a similar talk a while ago and this mom came up to me after and she was totally in tears. She was like a mess. And I said, what happened? And she said, and after listening to your talk I realized like, it's my fault that my, my, her second son that she has like a really bad relationship with him. She said, I, all I did was basically compare him to his older brother who was more extroverted, outgoing, athletic, you know, kind of had sort of, he just did more and he wasn't like that. He was shy and introverted. He was not into sports. He was more like a book sort of worm. And she thought he was like, there was something wrong with him.  And so she realized like, you know, she just, she didn't respect him and she didn't really see him for the view lots. It was like, you're not like this other child that I consider perfect, therefore something's wrong with you. And this is why we have to get out of that mindset. This age is so, so important that we really pay attention to who they are. So friendship, mentorship, it's really important. If you can't be that friend for your children in this age because of whatever reason, you're not available. You have to make sure that they have decent or appropriate mentors for them. Do it. Be active. There's no shot walk. You know, they have youth programs here. There's Tali. There's SRVIC. We have an abundance of programming. But it's just a matter of are you a passive parent or an active parent? Does it matter to you or does it not?  Or when you look for individuals and you say, you know what? I really like you. Would you be willing to be like, you know, they're towards my son or my daughter? You know, that's what needs to happen. And some parents, honestly, it's better that they outsource that. And that's when, again, knowing when you're beyond, beyond, you know, it's your skill, knowing that you can rely on other people. That's that's part of, you know, effective leadership. Classes and experiences is a really good time to do things with your teenagers. So whether you have sons that are, you know, teens look for programs that are designed for fathers that experiences. This proves I'm really, really effective. And because you're saying, I see you and I care about you and I want to do things with you. Right? Yes. Yeah, we do that with our kids too. If someone needs it, we have three boys and a girl and our middle boy, gets really upset. Any time we take one of the other kids, but when it's his turn, he's okay with that. But when I say upset, like really, really, he goes up and we just stop right now. Oh, that's not a lot. I decided to just stop doing that and just do everything to get it. Is it because in your absence, there's something like that? Do the other kids pick on him? No. No, he's even good, but it's also because that happens. I don't know. I'll get into that. Actually, I was fooled for one. He's the one who forces everything on him. Everything. I'm sorry. He usually gets away with it, which I think if I have them all in Mexico. Yeah. And I think this is part of the reason why Mr. Hips is here. Because he's gotten away with it for so long. Yeah. And I see how it might have been for you to just make those really huge right now. But why don't we just decide to stop to come here with the new ones? What about doing one on one? Because I know two on one. That sounds great, but maybe it would be more effective if it's more challenging. No, it's actually my husband. I am him. Yeah, because he works a lot, so I make sure that he's going to start with the kids. Okay. So I told him, just so you can get to know them. Right. That's nice. So the day of the week, and just be with them. So if he wants these or Fridays, he takes one of them out and hangs out with them and has them with him by himself. But for some reason, we don't have to have a story. So maybe, well, you know, this would actually be a good exercise for you to empower him. Like, you know, and say, Mohammed, we realize that it really bothers you. And so we decided to stop this, but we want to work with you. Like, maybe we can talk about a setup that would help you. What do you think? Can you give us advice? Let him rise to solve the problem for you. Right. And see, maybe you might be creative and say, well, no, it would help you when you guys do do that. If you do that, why don't you see? And see if you can actually work. All right. This is where collaboration can really come through. Because we might say, well, okay, I'll deal with it and give me this. You know, it was worth it for you. That's what he did. It's a negotiation idea. It's a negotiation, but you know, that's okay. Again, it's his first thing to go, but I thought it really had your truth. Yeah. I think, you know, it's okay. And this is negotiation and teaching them how to negotiate fairly and honestly and, you know, being is good for life skills. It's good for him to learn that, you know. As long as you're happy with the conditions and he's happy and it's mutually respected, how good is that? But that's where you, you're teaching him respect to. There's needs. And the fact that this really bothers you is something that's important to me.  Right. I'm not going to do that. I'm actually going to honor that, you know, maybe there's a, you have a psychosomatic response. It's a stress response. It makes you sick.  So that's a conversation that might work in shock. I'm going to try that. So, you know, then that's where, you know, discussions and debates are also really healthy for this age group. To actually have discussions like, what do you think about this? What do you think about that? Just see what they say, because what that does is it tells them, I respect what you want to say. I'm actually interested in what you have to say. I'm not just, you know, I know it all. We're just a little kid doing the holy things, which is unfortunately how a lot of parents, you know, are with their teenagers. Like, you don't know anything. I have to teach you everything. You don't know. But that's not true. Our kids are very bright, inshallah. And they actually could teach us a lot if we listen.  Sometimes they have literally blown my mind because they'll say something where I'm like, wow, I would have never thought of it that way. So we have to be willing to see them. I mean, as they grow, they always have perspectives that we can benefit from. So then, what are the data sets? This is again, part of being an effective leadership, we need to know what the threats are. Should I find enough first and foremost? We know this. I do a movie. Our own best is our own enemy. That's why purification of the heart just uses what matters to know the staff and teach it to your children. Bad company. Get rid of bad company. You don't need bad company. Chaotene can come in the food form and in the spiritual form. That is a fact. There are Chaotene amongst us. So people who take your children and basically try to, encourage them in the wrong path, get them away from your children. You have every right to praise them. Media and pop culture, you've got to be on it. You have to know what your kids are listening to. If your kids have iPhones or access to music and you're not reading the lyrics that they're listening to, that's very dangerous. The lyrics are demonic in many of these songs. Like literally demonic. And they're just like, oh, this is good. And all of these things are like demon verses.  I give out words. No, it's not cool. See what they're doing. Pay attention. Internet and social media. I've talked about this, but you have to be on your game about this. There's websites like Common Sense Media. If your kids ever want to download an app or a movie or anything, you can go and quickly do a search and see if it's safe. See what other parents are saying. See what other kids are saying. Dead things before you go. Okay, that's fine. What I brought up here. Is it free? Okay. You know, the shadow across the room. That's what parents do, right? It's like so passive. And then you know, people need to know. Do I do the social media trainings? There are vaults of apps that parents are closed about. Thousands and thousands of vault apps. It's a app. It's an app that is a fake. It's basically like a calculator on your phone.  It's actually a portal to something far more nefarious and dangerous. It gives you access to chats. It gives you access to show pictures and videos. You have to know. Please know that stuff. And what developers design them, like, what do you do? It's nothing. It's like they're just producing a mass production of how these visits appeals to kids. They know how to hide things from their parents. So there's people who are making a lot of money off of these apps. So you need to know this. So there's articles that talk about how to basically get ahead and know even what's going on. Not just on social media, but trends are happening in schools.   What are the trends that are catching on in schools? And are your kids participating? Or are their friends participating? Kids have died because of their fall into, again, peer, you know, accepted behavior and they think, go, I'm going to make you cool and hard work if I do this. And next thing you know, they're in the emergency room facing the front line because they did something without proper judgment. And that's where, as a parent, you have to think for them and be off-head of those things. Let me see your phone. Make sure you have really good policies as far as social media is concerned in your home. They shouldn't have the phone in their rooms. They shouldn't be accessing things in the middle of the night. No, no, no. In all, like, computer access should be in common areas. So if they want to do homework, fine. The computer is right there in the middle of the kitchen area, space living room. Or if you can walk by it. There's no, like, you could try a screen town and I'm just like, no, what is that? So we have to have better rules when it comes to these states.   And it's confusing a lot of teenagers who they don't know who to identify with, how to identify with, what gender am I? And now it's like, it's getting out of hand. So you need to know what's going on in society around you because when they go to public schools and they go to colleges and universities, these are the conversations that are taking over our classrooms. Not even about education anymore. So social justice policies and things like that. So if you don't know you're checked out, then good luck. You know, you're going to have issues. So they'll teach them the faith properly, how to protect themselves, model the behavior you want them to follow and power them with strong effective tools in their toolkits, right? Build their confidence encourage trust, communicating effectively, identifying their strength with weaknesses. And, you know, something that I don't know if we'll have time today maybe for our next session is the four temperance I actually didn't want to introduce that to you guys today, but it's a lot of information. But just to kind of give you some hope, you know, it's really important to know what's going on between teens or youth that are religious and identify religiously and those that don't. And this gives us some hope, Insha'Allah. Fifty-four percent of teens devoted to God say they are very happy while only 29 percent disengaged say they're very happy. So they're basically clear difference right there. Giving your child being at an early age and positively introducing things to them and really just doing it the correct way, Insha'Allah. They'll be happy children. That's what we all want you and our kids to be happy. Insha'Allah. Is that good? Alhamdulillah. So, you know, in addition to the staff, the shepherd also holds another tool which is called a rod or a club. So again, you have to think of yourself in these terms. I have to make sure I have reach control safety down. Now what can I do? The rod, the rod is there to literally ward off you know, any predators or anything that's dangerous. So please, if you see things that are clear and present risks for your children, you have to speak out. You can't just be passive and go I'm not sure if I should say anything, if I should do anything.   And I had, the mother asked me what I should, what she should do and my advice was very clear. I was like, you need to remove her, these people from her life. There's no, you know, question in my mind that as long as they remain in her life, she will continue to have problems because, you know, if you have friends like that, God forbid, who are putting all these thoughts in your mind that you, they're not, she didn't, you know, come up with them. They're, you know, planting these seeds, like, well, how do you know that you really are straight unless you experiment, stuck for a while, with someone else? That's the only way you can definitively know. These are the types of thoughts that this poor girl was exposed to, which obviously caused her a lot of confusion. Now imagine if the mother just maintained those friendships or allowed her to continue to, you know, hang out with those people, you don't think that it's going to spiral into even worse things, you know, more experimentation with drugs, alcohol, God knows what else. So you as the parents have to know how to immediately shut things down that you know are dangerous for your, for your children. Yes. Is it, why are you going to set up? Right. Right. So, I mean, I think every, you know, in this situation, it was the schooling environments that her daughter was in. So that, I mean, that's a logistical issue that, you know, if you really as parents that they don't think like, you know what, if the environment is like this and there's a, this is common practice, maybe we need to consider just pulling her out of that school. Right. So it's kind of an easy fix.  So it's hard to kind of give across the blanket because if it's family, it's obviously going to be closer and it's going to cause more problems. Or if it's someone in the community. So you have to really, you know, be thoughtful about how you approach these things and maybe seek counsel. But I think having this sort of, you know, I don't know if I should do anything because of a fear of a consequence. I think it's far more dangerous because the consequences should be very clear. Like allowing your children to continue to be exposed to these types of threats is far worse than any fallout from actually, you know, stopping them. And it's because their soul is at stake, right?  It's these are topics that are very, you know, talked about loosely in, you know, amongst our children. And so if you allow them to, to be exposed to this more and more, that's exactly what Shaitan wants. He wants to normalize all of these things, make it not a big deal. And a stuff for a lot, it just starts to chip away at their, their heart, their, their faith. And so that's why it's sort of like, no, I have to shut it down. Because the more they're in that environment, the more, you know, there's risk for them losing their soul, literally, from a, from an Islamic perspective, right? So I would say again, it's going to require different response, persuasion, but just to be, be as, as thoughtful as process, I mean, as possible. So then we talked about, Bismillah.  And we have the du'a of all these amazing people. Those are all great, but the responsibility is still on every single one of us. And when you see that, then we look at, well, okay, now that I see myself as this leader, and I have to protect the people that are under my care, how do I do that? You need to know your responsibilities first, and then you're right. So you need to know what are the rights of children over the parents, because that informs you what your responsibilities are, right? If you know what the children's rights are, then you know what you have to do as a parent. Then what are the rights of the parents over the child? Unfortunately, the script is totally opposite now. All parents go into parenting knowing very well what their rights are over their children, and so that's all they repeat to them. You know, you have to obey me, you have to listen to me, Jenna's under my foot, and we're just like constantly using, you know, scripture to tell children to put them in their place and let them know clearly that we have all these huck over them, but we need to also be very informed beforehand what our rights are over them. And then also we talked about, you know, does culture define your parenting model or does Islam? Because if you come from a specific cultural understanding of parenting and there's a conflict there with Islam, you have a decision to make. What's it going to be, right? And we talked specifically about double standards and the danger of double standards because in many cultures, this is common, right, that there's double standards for the way boys are treated versus the way girls are treated. And people don't realize that these are not fair, and when you have things that are imbalanced and unfair, they have consequences to that.   And also your daughter might, you know, grow up very resentful because she was suppressed for all during her childhood, she wasn't allowed to do anything, you know, there were curfews imposed on her, there was always rules, she had to do more chores in the house, she was always like treated a different way than her son, then you don't think that's going to cause resentment, right? It will absolutely cause resentment and this is where, you know, she might also, you know, it just breaks things, the relationship down between parents and child. But if you abandon cultural, you know, standards and say, what is the standard of Islam? Then you see that it's just all the way across. Boys and girls are treated equally as children, they have the same, you know, obligations to their parents, they should participate in the household the same and men shouldn't, you know, boys should not be prevented from doing domestic work. This is not girls' work to wash plates and do fold laundry. It doesn't make your boy feminine. These are attitudes, unfortunately, that are very, very, you know, just damaging and wrong because it's completely against the Sunnah of the Prophet's life, Sunnah. The Prophet's life Sunnah washed his own dishes. He, he sort of, he's, you know, he was known to patch up his own clothing. So, As-Sagh-Allah, whose standards are we accepting?  And so, if boys are taught that, then they learn to disrespect women's work and they learn to see themselves above and better. But if it's like, no, this is the Sunnah of the Prophet's life Sunnah and we all practice it across the board, then it, again, brings that balance. And so, As-Sagh-Allah, you raise men and women who have respect for each other and who aren't being pitted against each other like the society wants, right? So always maintaining that balance.  You can't expect that your children are going to raise, you know, grow up to be these model citizens and perfect, you know, in every which way, if you don't model that behavior for them. So it's very important to be, you know, to, if you want your children to be properly guided to, to know that they learn by imitating, listening to you, watching you, observing you. And so you need to check yourself and all the things that you want for yourself make sure that you're doing them as well. And we also talked about tailored parenting and making sure that we know that no two children, even if they're in the same household, even twins, are the same. And you have to know how to, again, when we talk about reach, control and security, it's going to be different, in some ways, per child, even in the same household. Communication styles for boys and girls, for example, are going to be different. And you have to do that research and do the reading to know how to talk about certain topics with each child differently. Right. But also, which we're going to get to, inshallah, knowing your children's temperament, knowing that, you know, how, how are children different? You know, in what ways and knowing and understanding how their personality types present themselves differently, but knowing, again, how to reach different personality types, which we'll get to, inshallah.  They may fear you and you may get them to do what you want in the moment, but you won't have their respect. And if you do it with young children, just wait and see what happens to you when they get into their teenage years. If that's your model of parenting, where you're just angry and negative and yelling and it's just like, just constantly like that, don't expect anything but the same to be shown to you when they hit those teenage years and they're slamming doors in your face and they're just not responding to you anymore. Right? Because they're modeling what you've shown them. Right?  It's going to all repeat itself. So positivity is really important to when you're parenting to really watch yourself and make sure your energy isn't down and negative all the time. Innovation to be creative. So a big responsibility, you know, and we talked about this too is we have to be willing to, you know, read and get creative in terms of, you know, all the things that we want from our children, whether they're really young and we want to teach them different things, but we have to do that. I think our problem is and it's just the, you know, circumstance that many of us live we're living in difficult times. It's especially Bay Area life. A lot of us work full time. So it's almost like we're in this constant, you know, rush or race and we don't have the time to do certain things.  You won't have much because you're breaking down that relationship. They need you more than anybody else.  But if you're not doing anything of your own that's unique for you and your child, then this is, you know, going to call, it's going to break down your relationship. So you got to start thinking innovatively about how can I make time for my children? How can I do certain things that are just me and them? And I'm not always, you know, just rushing from one event to the other or one thing to the other. And they're kind of, you know, we're like ships passing, you know, during the day or the night. And that's what families a lot of times happen. It's like, we're all over scheduled. We have too many things going on. But where is the innovation is where it's like, no, I have to do something. So I have friends, for example, who make it a point where, you know, once a year, for example, they will, you know, take a trip maybe, like a weekend trip or a day trip with each child, just separating, you know, the children. So it's not, it's to show that child that I see you, you matter to me. And our bond is really important. So just you and me, we're going to go, you know, for a day trip somewhere. And we're going to do whatever you want to do.  This is innovation.  Think creatively about how to reach your children, inshallah. And then collaboration.  There's people like Leonard Sacks. He's amazing. And he's come to the debate during several times.  He sees the dangers that are happening in the society at large and he's really trying to get parents back on track to take control again because we've, we've lost control, right. So he's someone who we should definitely look to his books. He's written amazing books. Look to his material. But there's people like that that we should know about, like, you know, whether they're, you know, get authors or educators or therapists outside in the, you know, or, or here in our communities, but make sure that we know who to rely on. So again, those are the five characteristics of an effective leader. And then reminding ourselves constantly that parenting is a trust from a lesson trying to find out that we will absolutely be asked about every single thing that we do. And when you weigh that constantly on your heart, then you don't look at your children as being little, you know, sort of servants that are just there to make your life easy, but you look at them like I have to do everything in my power to, to love them, to guide them, to, to give them the foundations that they need to take on this very, very dangerous world. And so it's all on us. It's, it's, it should weigh us down. It shouldn't be something that we just use to kind of justify exploiting our children, which unfortunately a lot of parents, you know, it's like that. I made them, I brought them into this world. I can do whatever I want with them. And we said, no, this is, that's totally, you have to reject that thinking a hundred percent. They belong to Allah, so how about that? And he gave them to us for an appointed time. We don't know how long, but if we accept that this is a huge weight on our shoulders, then we'll take this as seriously, right? It's not, we're not passively parenting. We're going to be actively parenting every day. Okay. And then, you know, that children's rights are mandated by God. So knowing what those are, the Prophet ﷺ said, sorry, hold on. Fear Allah and treat your children small or grown fairly with equal justice. So this again brings back, you know, what we talked about earlier is just making sure that you're really fair with your children and equal with them, not preferential treatment just because one child maybe really is sweet and very obedient and they always do what you say.  And it's true, you will have that it's just a reality of life that some children you will feel stronger bond with than your other children if you have multiple children. But you have to be fair and just when your parents are.  Therefore, you get this and this. You're setting a really dangerous precedent and you have to be for yourself. You know, you have to really be careful because Allah SWT will take you to account for that equal justice all the way across and be fair. So the the and these are from this is from the Qur'an So the Qur'an of the Prophet says, or excuse me, Allah SWT says that the father will bear the costs of their food and clothing on equitable terms. So this is just a reminder for the brothers that, you know, providing for your children is on you. This is, you know, one of their rights over you. And then another hadith, the Prophet said, one of the rights of children over their parents is being given a nice name and having a good education. You will be called out with your names and your father's names on the Day of Judgment. So give nice names to your children. So just making sure that their education who they're learning everything from is again, in line with your belief with your with what you want for them. And that is what active parenting is making sure you're, you know, if you have young children and they're in first grade, kindergarten, knowing what their teacher is going to be exposing them to. I think it was, I think it was Fremont, right? Recently, they had a vote where they were going to start introducing, you know, was it, there was, it was something about marriage, I can't remember, but they had a huge vote that they had to take with the school board because they were trying to introduce, you know, certain concepts to children at a very, very young age about different types of families, right? And so, Alhamdulah, you know, people showed up and they weren't able to shut it down, but some parents, the sisters that I knew were involved were very disappointed that more Muslims didn't show up. As we know, there's a very large population of Muslims in the Fremont School District, but they weren't probably even aware that this was being proposed. So this is the kind of stuff that we have to, as parents again, be a head up. No, what is, what are our kids being exposed to? That's a right. It's one of the rights of your children that their education is solid. So making sure that they, you know that. So yeah, we talked about this, but again, these, this is another reminder that there's no, you know, no two children of the same. And these are two beautiful quotes from Aliyah Ibn Abi-Qalib, Radhi-Lahan, who said, do not raise your children the way your parents raised you. They were born for a different time. And this is very important because a lot of our parenting is modeled after the way we were parented.  You think, it worked for me because I turned out okay and I'll just repeat it to my kids, but we're living in very different times. And so being more active as a parent, you're looking at the world around, realizing children are totally different now than they were 10, 15, 20 years ago and basing your parenting on what needs to be done now. And then, you know, this is another hadith that a lot of our understanding about how to reach children and how to teach them, you know, from different stages is rooted from this quote of Ali, even if we thought of it again, really a lot. He said, play with your children till the age of seven. Discipline and teach them from the age of seven to 14 and befriend them at the age of 14. So, and then, you know, we went into the different stages and what we should, what our mindset should be. So in that early stage, between two and seven, play, everything should be play based. We should really be reaching our children with just, you know, their imagination. That they're in a world of imagination and we need to reach them there. So storytelling with animation, song, rhymes, and obviously modeling good behavior. These are ways that we can teach them, right, about Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, you know, giving those, you know, or creating a connection with Allah in the public system. We have to be willing to meet them where they're at and they're in that imaginative state. So actually getting really well versed in how to teach children in that younger age, these are the things that you'll learn. Storytelling is huge, but not just, you know, reading a book because we're all very good at reading books. We can read and we're great at that.  Why do we, they love cartoons and Pixar movies. It's because they tap into this, you know, love of wonder and magic and this world that's just beyond their, you know, imagination. And so when we create that in our storytelling and connect it to Allah in the Prophet's life said I'm, you're having the same effect. So when you tell stories from the seerah that are miraculous, bring it to life, right.  Bring it to life, you know, bring that, just that, that, like that vision, that those visual effects into their mind so that they can actually imagine and if you can draw even better, you know, if you can actually draw things while you're telling that's amazing talent, why not use it but using that and then songs and rhymes being, you know, willing to just sing things to them, getting them like mashallah, you know, for the Mawlid that was here last night bringing them to places like that is really beneficial for their hearts. Children love songs, they love movements, they love all of those things. So exposing them to that is really important. Ta'alif, which is not too far from here, especially on a Sunday, it's about 20 minutes, I do that drive from Pleasanton in this area, they have weekly molans and it's a beautiful, if you've never been there, you should definitely attend because there's children everywhere and they're all, you know, they're a mashallah to praise the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam but they, you know, they love it and exposing your children to that is great. So those are things that we can do from a very early age to attach their hearts to the love of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam of course, modeling. That's for the younger age. For that middle, the school age children between seven and 14, we should be in the mode of teaching, okay, because now they can actually take instruction. Before seven, they're just in play mode, but at seven and beyond, they actually can, you know, think on a different level and actually, you know, you can reach them by teaching them and really breaking things down for them. So storytelling still works, metaphors, analogies, really kind of tapping into their more logical brain where they're, you know, thinking things on an abstract level and they're able to think things differently than when they're children. You know, just kind of, you know, again, looking at see it or put on whatever it is that you want to teach them, but doing it, having that understanding that now they're open to these types of things, right? And then still, modeling is very important that we continue to model really good behavior. So also in this age, you know, teaching them concepts like thick, you know, and really bringing down, breaking down the why of what we do, right? Because in the beginning it's just, we're just teaching them what it is. They may know Quran, but they have no idea of the meanings. They might not know all of the different beliefs, you know, because they're too young to sort of get certain concepts.  So thick. And then also, I encourage sharing stories that display things that appeal to this age, right? Stories that talk about valor, nobility, courage, honesty, bravery. A lot of kids in this age because they're dealing with their own insecurities, they might see bullying going around them. They might not have friends that are sort of, you know, being mistreated a certain way. It appeals to them to have stories that talk about, you know, about valor, about winning, you know, instead of always seeing things that are kind of in that negative light around them. So you want to expose them to that, you know, inshallah. And then, I also think it's really important at this stage to teach them practical rules and tips and life skills that boost their confidence. So I was actually telling my husband, you know, that I think middle school children should totally, parents should really look into putting them into classes for to boost their confidence that, you know, teach them public speaking skills. And so we're just having this conversation and then he attended, actually, there's a, have you heard of Toastmasters before? I mean, I've heard of Toastmasters, right? So a lot of professionals use this and people who, you know, are trying to obviously get their public speaking skill set. But he said he went to one and there was a man there who brought his young, like 12 or 11 year old kid and I was like, yes, that's a really smart parent because he's realizing if I give my, you know, middle schooler who's full of insecurity an opportunity to actually work and hone in on that skill set, it will boost their confidence in ways that you can imagine as they grow into the high school age and, you know, college and on, their professional careers just to be able to be comfortable speaking in front of people and, you know, having their voice and knowing how to do that effectively. Why not start early?  You know, nurture that if they have an interest in something like that, nurture that because it does help boost their confidence in an age where they're, you know, Shaitan is just really tries to break their confidence down and I know because I work a lot with teens and this is, we all remember, right? Adolescence is a really difficult time for kids but if you give them things that, inshallah, can offset that it really helps but it also creates a nice bond because it came from mute. You saw a talent if they like to draw, put them in arts classes, if they like chess, give them, you know, play with them, let them get so good that they beat all the adults in the family. It's good, it's good for their confidence but because you did that, you see, what you're doing is you're, you're tightening your bond with your children. So this is innovative parenting. It's thinking, I need to, you know, look at where my kids are and the different unique talents that each has and I'm going to nurture each one in their own way as best as I can but I want to do that. I don't want a teacher or someone else to take that, right? I mean, it's, it's okay if, if those opportunities are there but it's much more special if it's coming from you as the parents but you have to think of these things. And then the teenagers, 14 and beyond, the theme really should be to be a friend. We have to befriend our children. Again, this is a time where unfortunately, you know, in the early age, stages or early years, parents are the main influencers over their children but there is a time where friends become the main influencers.  You know, in your absence, this is where kids learn to be more deceptive and to lie and to start doing things behind their kid's parents' backs because maybe they were peer pressured or maybe, you know, they just listened to someone who gave them bad advice how does that happen? It's especially, and it's actually worse if you have this authoritative model where you have no personal or sort of friendly connection with your children and it's sort of like top down. Like I'm your parent, that's it, just follow my rules and I don't really, you know, want to engage with you on a more deeper, you know, level, it's just follow the rules and that's it. If you have that type of parenting style, then for sure, your kids are going to be under the influence of their friends more than you. But if you realize like, you know, the teenagers, this is where I really, really need to be close with my friends, then you'll take, you know, the time to start doing things more, you know, with you and them and you know, so for example, you know, I suggest taking classes and doing experiences together. So you and your children, if there's a class or something that you think would be good for them, doing it with them, not just dropping off and going, I'll see you in a couple of hours. No, going with them, accompanying them, sitting with them and learning the same thing and then using that as an opportunity to discuss, to dialogue, to debate, it's really good to encourage your teenagers into discussion because what you're saying when you're open to have discussions with your children or your teenagers is that I actually respect your point of view. I want to listen to your point of view even if you think they don't know what they're talking about and it's like internally, you're just like, oh, you're those teenagers going on about things they don't know. It's okay, let them get it out, let them feel that they're validated when they're talking to you. Because sometimes, again, we talk at our teens like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know. But this is very unhealthy and it's actually going to cause more division and more just distance. So the opposite of that is true, engaging them, having discussion, what do you think of this? What do you think of what's going on with the world or whatever it is, any news story that's going on but letting them know I respect you because this is one of their primary needs in this age that you respect them. So these are the different things per age group. And then we just kind of went over some statistics. So this is encouraging for parents who are really trying to raise and children who are rooted in their faith because there is clear difference between children who have strong faith and homes that faith is important whereas homes that are more secular and it's like, it's not really a big thing, you know, our primary thing that's talked about or relevant in the family. So here, 54% of teens devoted to God say they are happy while only 29% are disengaged. 47% of religious teens think about the meaning of life so if you plant these seeds early on you get your teenagers actually to think about life seriously to weigh the consequences of their decisions, you know, to have this sort of, you know, mindset will prevent and protect them inshallah from what the culture outside is telling them, right, which is YOLO, FOMO, right, you only live once.  And that's honestly the most, one of the most destructive messages, but everybody, all the, you know, the people in media, the, you know, the icons that a lot of teens look up to, whether it's social media or musicians or artists or whatever, this is their way of life, you know, it's promoting this attitude to just live in the moment, feed your nuffs, basically, do whatever you want. So you have to think, how can I offset that is giving your children a really strong foundation early about God, about their relationship with Allah SWT and the numbers speak for themselves. When you do that, it does inshallah protect them, right, they say here, 95% of devoted teens feel it is important to wait until marriage for sex.  And then as far as the last statistic here, according to the Journal of Adolescents, findings demonstrate that religiosity measured as perceived importance of religion, attendance in worship services and participation. Oh, I'm sorry, you're not reading the same slide. Pardon me, here we go. The one in the yellow. So findings demonstrate that religiosity measured as perceived importance of religion, attendance in worship services and participation in a religious youth group significantly contributed to explaining variation in six youth risk behaviors, smoking, alcohol use, truancy, sexual activity, marijuana use, and depression. So to bring them to the masjid, to attend those classes with them, to constantly remind them again of the importance of religion and having a connection with Allah, it's going to protect your children in Shatla Qadah from a lot of the stuff that are plaguing teen culture. So it's good news for us, in Shatla, as long as we do what we're doing. So now this was a summary because I wanted you to follow the conversation for those of you who weren't here for the last time, a summary of what we talked about the first session. Now part two, the outline is a little different and we're going to try to get to as much as possible, but let's go ahead and jump in here. So spiritual principles and practices for every Muslim home, every Muslim home should really think about where they are when it comes to these issues here. Number one, to love Allah SWT wholeheartedly and practice daily gratitude to Him. Okay. Now we obviously know, inshaAllah we know the importance the five daily prayers. This should be something set in stone in your home where Alhamdulillah, everybody prays their prayers and you should, you know, encourage this as much as possible in congregation. So obviously during daily hours or kids are in school, you're at work, it's difficult, but in the evening, if you can make Maghrib and Isha together and even Fajr before they go to school, that means you've done three prayers as a family together and two of the prayers are not done together. This is still huge and you should make this part of your family culture where it's just, this is what we do. We pray in Jama'at.  It doesn't give your children the sense of how important prayer is if everything's rushed and nobody's really communicating about prayer, you know, or if it's just like, yeah, did you pray and you're just shouting from across, you know, the hall as reminders to each other about prayer, why not? Plus, it's time for prayer everybody together, right? It should be done as a family and it keeps you in check and it keeps them in check. Love of recitation of the Qur'an. This is really important. You know, I used to teach Qur'an to little kids and you know, I always remember that parents, some parents would come, you know, for a couple of weeks or a few weeks into the school year and they'd be very, very concerned about how many surahs their children was memorizing, you know, their child was memorizing. And as a Qur'an teacher, I would have to stop them and say, listen, this isn't a HIFS program, okay? If you want HIFS, put them in a HIFS program. We're teaching your child to love the Qur'an, okay? And so that is a process.  You have to, again, bring those stories to light. Make the Qur'an relevant to them. But in addition to that, teach, teaching the recitation of the Qur'an like an art form instead of the subject is a really beautiful way to make an enjoyable experience. So teaching them how to recite beautifully, teaching them to, you know, to find meanings or, you know, certain meanings of surahs that really speak to children's hearts, you know. There's so many things that you can do but it all takes, again, your, you know, some creativity on your part. But I would have to tell parents and I remember having to actually do like assembly sort of to just address this issue, like, listen, it's so important that we teach your children adab with the Qur'an to really know what the Qur'an is. This is the greatest treasure we have to know how to treat it, to know how to walk with it. I've seen kids, you know, in many spaces, you know, they're going maybe in Sunday school or whatever, they have no, they're just treating the Qur'an like it's another book. They just tuck it under their arm and they're walking around with it, sometimes dangling it, sakhrullah, by their side. This is unacceptable. We have to, as parents, teach them, this is the greatest thing that we have and you have to honor it. Hold it with two hands above your waist, make sure you're in a state of hulbu. Be very mindful and respectful when you're touching the Qur'an.  You know, this is the Book of Allah's Panthana. You don't sit there distracted, looking at your phone while it's like, okay, you know, and it's like, this is what, unfortunately, again, what so many kids are forced into because their parents aren't really watching over them or they're just outsourcing this subject to other people and they're not really aware of what's going on. But walk, you know, go into certain spaces and you'll see, you know, really tragic things. I remember one of my friends, Allah, she was in a, in a masjid and she was working in a room adjacent to where the Qur'an teacher was teaching, you know, the students. And she was just listening to the banter that was going on before the, I mean during the class and when the Qur'an teacher was present, the kids were just frozen, you know, mottled. And they were listening because they were afraid, right? She said, one time in particular she said, the Qur'an teacher stepped out for a moment and as soon as he walked out, the kids started saying the worst thing.  What do my parents bring here?  If your child expresses to you a disinterest in learning the Book of Allah or is frustrated every time you tell them to go learn, then you're not going about it correctly. There's a problem. There's a disconnect, they're not, if they're like, oh, you know, and that's their attitude to the Book of Allah, but you still force them to do it, what are you doing?  I had a student once tell me that her friend stop for a while.  And one of the main reasons was because her mother was so hard on her when it came to Qur'an that even as a young three, four year old, if she would make a single mistake, she would chase her around the house, meeting her, hitting her. So if you hit your children, stop for a while, yell at them, and force them to learn the Book of Allah and then, you know, guilt them the entire time. You're making terrible mistakes. Terrible mistakes because you're literally giving shaitan ammunition to make them, Astaghfirullah, hate the Book of Allah, Asfandallah. So if you're, please be mindful of who you, how you teach your children Qur'an and who you allow to teach your children Qur'an. Make sure that they're gentle and that they're loving and that they do it with beauty because it's the Book of, the most merciful of the merciful. You can't remove mercy when you teach the Book of Allah and compassion. So be very careful with that. But a big part of how you beautify the Qur'an is to again approach it not as just this subject that has, you know, it's all a numbers game. But rather, you know, make it a beautiful experience. Recite with them, teach them to recite and go easy on them.  Whatever they've memorized that they're not acting upon later in life. You know, they're going to be held accountable for it.  Your priorities aren't right. It's very important that they love the book of Allah. So make sure that when you're teaching them Qur'an, that it's done in a really beautiful setting. And our teachers advise having some treats out for them, their favorite treats, always making really positive associations. You can do dates if they like dates. You can do cookies. You can give them candy, but like having that out as part of the experience, right? We're learning Qur'an and, you know, inshallah, this is what we will have to look forward to bringing stories to life. These are all tips. Okay. So, and then they get, you know, I'm, I've talked about this a lot, but it's very important that we do the protective du'as every single day. Okay. So, how many people here do awrad every day? Like you do a word as a family. Alhamdulillah. Good. So the awrad, there's different ones, but our teachers here, all of our teachers here, they all recommend that we do the word al-latif, which is the word of Imam al-Haddad. You can do a search for it. There's PDF files. It's all available to you for free, and there's YouTube videos. It's an 18 minute recording.  Well, in our household, for example, we do it at, I mean, excuse me in the morning while I'm making breakfast for the kids, we have a Bluetooth speaker, we play it, it's resonating in the whole house. Everybody hears it, and it's just 18 minutes, but it's protective gauze, and I promise you, if you get into the habit of this, you will see the blessings in your own life, but also your children, even of the younger ones, they will memorize it without even knowing they're memorizing it. They might not speak Arabic, they might not have any idea, they might not even be reciting along with it, but if they're hearing it every single day, you will ask them, you know, in a few months time to recite parts of it, they will know it.  But these are things that we should make as a practice in our home, if we want to protect ourselves and our children from all the harms out there, we are empowered with these du'a, the Babilah Salaam left them for us for that exact reason. They're protective du'a's. So if you're worried about, oh my God, I'm worried about my children, but then you're not doing this, there's a, there's a problem, there's a disconnect. You, you can be with them all the time. You can't oversee their every movement, but by, it's kind of like putting them in this protective force field around them before you send them off to school or wherever they go, even if your kids are a little older and they work.  And to be honest, 20 minutes of your time is nothing. If you consider the peace of mind you have to know, and Hamdulillah, I've called on Allah to protect my children very specifically with very specific thought. And I, inshallah, I put my trust in him. Okay, so it's very important to do that. And then to be devoted to the provisional setup and committed to following his sunnah it's so important that we again model this behavior ourselves. So taking on the attributes and the characteristics of the provisional setup for ourselves and then teaching our children the importance of modeling that, being gentle, being self-spoken, just all the things that you associate with the provisional setup, being compassionate, speaking kind words, being generous, right? All these things that we love about him and that brings us to tears when we read about him, we are supposed to model it. It's not just that we look up to him and we're in awe of him and that's it. The objective is that we're doing it. So we follow his sunnah in every which way as much as possible. And this is for the brothers and the sisters, right? So, you know, and this is a direct command from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala in Surah chapter 59 verse 7. He says which is and Allah says and whatsoever the provisional setup gives you, take it and whatsoever He forbids you abstain from it and fear Allah, verily Allah is severe in punishment. So following the sunnah of the Prophet is exactly that. Following his way and abstaining from what he prevented us from abstaining from. And then daily Sadawat, right? Very important again for us to real