Mercedes announced on Monday that it's pulling its advertisements from the O'Reilly Factor. After The New York Times published a story claiming that Bill O'Reilly has had to pay at least five women $13 million to address accusations of sexual harassment. Sexual harassment or as Fox and Friends calls that acting presidential. It's 3 a.m. March 4th, 2017. I'm David Feldman. We have a lot of show. So let's get right to it. Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman, DavidFeldmanshow.com. On today's show, comedian Dave Attell, comedian Dean Abedaya, comedy writer Cassie Grimaldi, Dr. Katz calls in Dr. Jonathan Katz, and music from the insecure morons. We're putting out an album. It's called Pay What You Want, and you can literally pay what you want. Every month, we're posting anywhere between seven to 10 minutes of new stand-up material that's going to be used for an album. We're going to put out around Thanksgiving of 2017. Each month, we're putting up about five to seven minutes. Go to David Feldman's show. Look for the banner. Click on it and pay what you want. You can give us a penny or $3 billion, and you'll get the first seven minutes of my comedy album. Then next month, we're going to post another seven minutes. Please go to DavidFeldmanshow.com and check out a comedy album that is in the works. You can listen to the first iteration of Pay What You Want by paying what you want anywhere from a penny to whatever you want. On today's show, David Tell joins us. We recorded a very special conversation at the world-famous Cellar Comedy Club in Greenwich Village in Manhattan. David Tell has been called one of the greatest stand-up comics whoever did it. If you ask the greats, they will tell you that they became great from watching it tell. He is considered a boundless, fearless joke writer. He has a work ethic that is beyond puritanical. That makes him one of the most prolific artists working today. David Tell joins us. Dean Abedaya is an American comedian of Palestinian Italian descent. He is the host of Sirius XM's radio show, The Dean Abedaya Show, and it is the only national radio program hosted by a Muslim American. He joins us. Cassie Grimaldi is a comedy writer. She's been published in The New Yorker and also with us are the insecure morons who will be singing for us. Also Dr. Jonathan Katz. You're listening to the David Feldman radio program.  Joining us is David Tell. David Tell, comedian slash stand-up comic. You call yourself a comedian slash stand-up comic. Do you ever worry that by being both a comedian and a stand-up comic, you're diluting the product? I like to think I'm funny and then I'm funny for money. So there you go. Like everybody's comical, but then the stand-up comic is like, whoa, this guy does this for a living. What is the horriest thing you've ever done? That's a great question, David. Is it entertaining the troops? I hear that pays really well. That would be in the good bank. In the bad bank would be when I did the reboot of the gong show.  I really did. I was looking at the accent. I was like, here's a guy juggling chainsaws or whatever.  I took the money, though. You took the money and did you really feel guilty? Did you feel dirty? It's always bad when you take the money and then it kind of stinks. Like the product stinks. That's what happened. Do you think some people don't belong on television and don't look at me? I'm not belong on TV. I like to think of it as the package. How much tape do we have? Or are we using tape? How many bites do we have for this one? Like there's a lot of comics, let's call them the bitters who are like, what's with this guy? I'm as funny as that guy. And whoa, how did he get in that movie? Huh? And I always go like, well, being a comic has nothing at all to do with actual show business.  But the marketing of that into the next level, I guess you could say of film or television, that's beyond me. I mean, look at my career. Well, you are what every standup comic thinks they should be doing. I don't think that's true. Killing hookers in Seattle. There's the Dave Feldman I knew. All of us say, you know, here I am on the set of a movie punching up a script that will never be made better. Meanwhile, Dave, it tells up there at Green River in Seattle. Well, let me just say one thing, Dave, you know, I'm glad you finally got into the podcast game because it takes it takes a special kind of man to go, hey, you know what? Everyone else is doing it. I might as well get in myself and do it. You're kind of the guy who if I could use if I could use the Holocaust. Oh, please, the train is pulling away. And you're like, wait, wait for me. Hold on. You I'm not on the train yet. Well, I don't want to be left out. So let me ask you this as the world's oldest middle. I mean, it's a title you should wear with pride. You've opened for some of the best. Is it hard? Is it hard looking on at the headliner as they go through their routine? Has anyone ever told this is something that a lot of the young comics come up to me when like when I'm on the road, they'll go like, is there any jokes you don't want me to do or anything?  That just all works. And if I can't follow you, then my banjo and puppet will help me. So I don't see why you're you're worried. But I guess this is new thing up where like the opener has to get like a green light from the headliner. What do you think of that? The only thing I asked is that they don't use the F word before. I'm serious. Right. Because I just I don't like hearing you don't like that. I really don't give them like I just say you can talk about and I say to them, I want to talk about you, but I always say feel free to use the N word, the C word. Right. Just don't use the F word because that's cheating. But if you if you want to be edgy, I'm begging you to use the C word.   She's the woman with double F's. Right. Okay. Yeah. So I don't know who it is though. You're kidding. No. I was going to ask you about can I ask you about porn? I don't want to talk about your career. I'd rather I'd rather we talk about porn than comedy because I feel like with porn at least there is a career path to it. Comedy I feel like it just kind of ends up here on a scribbled note podcast. I don't want to go beyond my little table of show here, but I'd say there's no better time to get into porn than now. It's the worst time actually. I think it's the best time because they've gotten rid of all the gatekeepers. Now we're free to do it the way we want to do it. Well, first of all, there's more women behind the camera. That's wonderful. So there's a thing called romantic porn. So you see a lot of, you know, more dramatic stuff as opposed to the fisting and gaping which we grew up on. Yeah, of course.  I disagree. We've never needed it more than we do now. That's the way I see it. I think you're sclerotic in your thinking. Is it my back? I just think you don't realize this new wave of porn that's coming up where they're hungry for it. Well, and they're self-starters. If you could control. Well, hold on a second. I was just going to give you some props because I've always thought that like when I would see you, and I wouldn't ever see you a lot on stage. When you say props like an arrow through my head. No, no. I was just going to say that you always made me laugh. You always had the darkest, well-written material. And that's what I love. Like Shimmel was another guy, really dark, well-written stuff. When I would see it like, and let's face it, the crowd reaction, you know, to some of that stuff, you know, not the best always, you know. And I'll put myself in that bit. I just want you to know that giving me compliments, I'm one of those people who... You don't like compliments. No, I love compliments. I love them. I could do a whole show of you telling me how great I am, believe me. What I like is that in your eyes, you can always see like when we tell these jokes, you're like, I can't believe they didn't find that funny. Right. Like, don't they sit around all day thinking like this? And then you realize, no, they're on the life site.  They don't want to hear about any of that.  Like, those are the reasons, you know. For us, it's very funny.  A bounce house tragedy is...  And yet these kids, that's their biggest barriers. You know, the hoverboard isn't working. I was raised to think... Yeah, how were you raised? I was raised to think and say horrible things, but not do them. Is that because you grew up in a very, I guess, orthodox home? I thought you were the son of rabbis. Yes, my mother was the first male rabbi. The first transgender rabbi. The first transgender. She was the opposite of a mollusk. I grew up in a secular family. I pursued the orthodoxy, because my parents would not do it. Oh, really? Yeah, it was important to me. Right. But what about you?  I mean, I'm not dancing around that. I grew up in a store. Like, my parents ran a store.  To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean, I found religion later in life. When you went to prison? No, like, when I went all over the world, then I realized how, like, you know, like religion is so much more important in other places. So I realized I want to get in the game, you know, like, but I don't think I would do anything crazy for religion, you know, but I think it's always worth a good drunken argument. And now a game of thrones is so many more gods to worship. Here's the many face God.  Well, you should. The many face God? Yeah. And then there's who's the many face God. Then there's the iron God, you know, of the what's dead can never die, which is I guess that would be the, that would be great for my career.  I'm sorry, I've brought up references that everyone should know. Go ahead. So so petticoke junction. Is that what the first show you jerked off to jerking off?   And I was kind of embarrassed saying that. But I do think masturbation is a form of prayer because you do find God and other people like worshiping another human being the Martin Buber I value find God and another human. So I think masturbation is a form of prayer if you're using your imagination. Right. I'm being serious. Oh, I see what you're saying, creating like in your head, you're creating a scenario in a world like like it is religion. Right. Yeah, you're focused.  Do you think there's a skill on the road to masturbating to Oprah? Oh, wow. Have you ever done that? Wow. Could you do that? I've done that. You have. That's really I'm proud of that. That's a great one. I never thought of masturbating to over. It's a little too late now. Don't you think?  Well, I guess the view you could use it as almost. Yeah, almost as a carnival game. Face comes up in the close up. You got to make sure. Wack a malignant mole. No, you know what?  And then like, then that night, like I'll be like, all right, wouldn't that be cool if they invited me back to a hot tub three way? And then I'll jump off to that. Maybe this would be a good time for me to ask you a few questions. Okay. But unlike the rest of the world, I have like a very strict parameters like I keep a professional. Okay, that's what I do. So when you started comedy, was it in San Francisco? I started in New York in New York at Dangerfields at Dangerfields. Yeah. Okay. 82. Oh, and 82. When did you start? I started in 87. Oh, college. All right. You know. And then I always would in my mind go, wouldn't it be cool if I started in 67? You know, like during the Vietnam stuff, like woodstock and all that kind of stuff. By now, I would definitely be running like a gift shop. So I mean, there's no way I'd be like a shaking. I'd work on Tiamo somewhere up on 7th Avenue. That's a smoke shop. Joe Ansis. The first night I did comedy, Joe Ansis was at Dangerfields. Who's that? Okay, he was in the Lenny Bruce book. He was Joe Ansis was considered the funniest man in the world who never did stand up comedy. And Lenny Bruce loved him and would just sit at his feet and listen to him. And he borrowed ideas and bits from Joe Ansis. No, he lived with Rodney for decades. And so the first night I did stand up, I met Joe Ansis. And I always wondered what happened to him. Yeah, that's there's a lot of there's a lot of these like characters and comedy that no one ever like talks about. I wonder about them all the time, right? Because like Rodney, especially who I only met one time. And that was when I was a doorman at the at the improv in New York City. Did you play there? Because I remember seeing you there. At least you were in the bar area, right? I think I remember you were there. It was Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. And they said, Hey, Dave, we're going to do a sitcom about nothing. And you're like, that'll never work. And then you walk the other direction and said Enron's hiring. No, but supposedly that's where they came up with the idea right there. So there's a lot of guys like that who are super funny that no one really knows were like Dan Vitale. You remember him, right? I just meant he's like a local legend, this guy. And he was on SNL. But he also was a great comic because I used to see him do comedy. I wish he had done more comedy or does more comedy. But, you know, he was like one of these guys who was like a New York guy. I'm sure no one, you know, outside of our scene like knew how great this guy was, but he's super funny. And this Joe Ansis guy, right? I've heard that about like, you know, that there was that whole crew like the Carnegie Deli crew where people would, you know, like the bit taking was happening over there. Like someone would take someone's bit, you know, the mother-in-law bits, you know, we're up for grabs all the time. I've noticed that the New York comics borrowed. Be very careful what you said. Go ahead. They're now borrowing from Todd Barry. I've noticed this. There's a delivery system now that yes, they've appropriated. Is it from Todd, you think? Now it is. But then what would you consider it? Go ahead. Because I know Todd. Todd is very unique. I think he's for tell. I think for as a TV comic, I think he's one of the like there's nobody better. Wow. But I think that's great. What a great guy props to Todd. This whisper and this low energy is what we call it in the business. Boring. Is that the word I'm looking? It's I like to call it intense. Yeah. Intense. It's very apropos for today's times. But I saw before the Todd Barry phenomenon, there was a David Tell phenomenon where I'd be watching. That was yes. Right. And I just said they weren't stealing your jokes. They were kind of barring your rhythms. Right. Much like Hitler. That was the problem. Mussolini started it. He just made it. He made money on it. But here's the thing about that. You remember the high energy days of comedy? Yes.  Now everybody's so low key, like it's all super low key. And sometimes I don't know if I'm hearing just the prophetic words of an American Indian up there talking about a lost land and culture or or a benevolent lesbian telling me the rules of the co-op. I don't know what's going on. But it's very low energy, lots of pauses.  I am. You are. You are. Sam Kinnison is my guy. I Bill Hicks was my guy and I still love Bill. But when I when I look back on it, I'm like Sam Kinnison is the guy because he was a machine gun. He would come in and boom, take over the room, knock him down. He was angry. The anger just fueled the party. And I love that.  I know like you're this corporate act where like you have to be happy all the time.  Oh, man, I feel bad for them because you're a symphony and that there's fortissimo, pianissimo. You're all in terms of dynamics.  You're the best. I learned all like all these stage craft, I believe they call it. Were you in the back of the room? Were you a comic in the back of them? I don't think of you as a comic in the back. Oh, well, I, you know, now you can get on stage with just, you know, a high Yelp review.   And this club was a good example of it. The Comedy Cellar, where like they would just have you wait like over there. And then Rick Chrome and Bill Grunfest, they were the House MCs. They would like say, OK, well, you know, Rondell Sheridan show up or like, there's still some people here you want to go for a couple minutes. And that was cool because you really were the end of the show. And now like the newer comics go on earlier, like they get the choice pickings of the audience. But did you watch the comics? Oh, yeah, absolutely. And who had the act that you thought? There's people that you are a product of your environment, whether it's public housing or comedy. Like, Simon Feller would always say, wouldn't go on after 10 o'clock. Like, there's definitely like that after 10 o'clock feel to the room, where like, you know, it's wilder, it's drunker. And back in the day, it was definitely more, I guess you could say, the verbal barbs were going back and forth. And you had to defend yourself.  Now you go out to L.A. And it's really like a TED Talk, like they're just singing or not. If they're even listening, I think that they've been trained by their by their parents to like fake listen, just like, you know, like that kind of thing. Because we had to hang out to get on stage crying. Yes. Because we had to hang out. Do you still enjoy hanging out in the club and waiting to go on? Or do you just want to get on and then get off? You mean get on, get into my car service and go back to my private jet to fly to an island that I own release? No. And you get addicted to the scene here. You get addicted to the comedy scene, right? And that's the point of it. Like it becomes like, you know, I guess a social club, if you would, if I can borrow a Benson Hurst term, you know, it's like, for me now, it's like, unless I come up with a new bit or something like that, I feel like the whole night's away. So hanging out with the comics is the most fun of it.  That's really what I'm trying to get out of these like showcase sets. But when I go on the road, you know, I've been on the road for so long that like when you come back to the city, you see all these comics and you can have a good time and talk it up.  You can't drink, can't like party or anything. Do you not drink? I don't. No, I don't. When did you quit drinking? Well, I think it was during the Falklands war. I am. No, I quit. I quit about eight or nine years ago. And let me just say one thing. I never needed to drink to get on stage, but afterwards I'd like to throw it down, you know.  I'm just going to hit the gym. Oh, David, you've never even worked with any of these new comics where like they want to pal around with you during the day on the road.  No, I don't know. I just feel sorry for those guys. Those are like the first guy to die in the Vietnam movie. It's like, well, I guess if I follow what the serge tells me, I'll make it all right. Your road day is what? What time do you wake up? I never go to sleep really on the road anymore. And I blame it on the mattresses. Okay, because it's hard to conform to all these different mattresses across the country. And what's your sleep number? I hope I really don't know. And I hope this new administration delt dumps into this. I don't know where they're making the mattresses or who is making them and finds that comfortable. You know, I assume I assume they do get to sleep on a mattress just so they know what they're making. I don't know what they call them land clouds or something. Now, what is my road day like? I usually I used to do a lot of morning radio. Did you ever have to do that on the road? Yeah, it's a nightmare. Yeah. Well, but you know what, I'm not bad at it. I'm not great at it, but I'm not bad at it. These younger comics, I go, oh man, you got to do the morning radio. They're like, I'm not going to do that. It doesn't help. And I'm like, whoa, how do you're allowed to say no to that? I didn't think you were allowed to. There are some great stations out there. The number one, of course, is Stern. He's like the ultimate. And then Ron Pennington. Awesome. And the guys who know comedy or at least know our deal, those are the most fun. Now there's like some great podcasts where you just get to mix it up. Now, do you think that like with this new podcast, like how many episodes in are we my podcast? Yeah. I would say, let's see, we've been doing it for eight years. You have? Yeah. No way. Yeah. So this is our third episode. You've been doing how long have you really been doing since 2009? Oh, it's had different incarnations. Right. It used to be a sketch comedy show. Oh, I see. I see what happens. So now it's a podcast. So now it's like a year from now, it will be just you fliering people's cars with a funny image on it. It's nice to be part of another downward spiral. I made a promise myself and the audience that we would do the show no matter what, no matter what I was doing. I'm speaking for the audience. You do what you want to do. If you want to quit, that's fine. Now, the podcast game is also super competitive.  That's what it seems like. It seems like everybody is just are we allowed to use the FOM? Oh, you don't like it. I don't like it. But coming out of you, it sounds like cinnamon scented breath mints. Would you say your first love is writing or comedy? Let's hear it is probably performing comedy. Really? Yeah, but it didn't work out for me because unlike you. No, that's not true. Well, I'm sorry, but it didn't work out because I went bougie like you. You were more in the I consider you of the generation of the Jake Johansson's and those guys. Yeah. So when you look back on your class, what do you what do you see? I think that I fooled myself into thinking I could have a balanced life. Oh, that's true. Like family. Yeah, I thought I can handle this. I can. I'm smart. I can figure this out before I had a family. I put comedy first. And I said everything I got comes from comedy. Okay. Suddenly, there's a wife and kids and they come first. And I do the balancing act and suddenly comedy isn't as important. You pay a price. I'm being serious. You pay a price by not putting comedy first. Had I put comedy first, I think my marriage would have lasted. Really? Yes. Do you also think that you would have been probably in some of the greatest movies of our time like WrestleMania six, the big bus? I think when you compromise and you second guess your instincts, because comedy got me the wife, the jobs and the kids. Yeah. And then I took the comedy gods for granted. That's true. And I'm serious. No, I agree with you. Yeah. And then that comedy is like a marriage in itself. We're there every day. And the more you put into it, the more it will reward you supposedly. And then when you have a real thing, that's the same situation, same dynamics. As I'm saying this, I'm having this breakthrough where I realize you're told when you're a parent, you don't want to miss a thing. You don't want to miss a thing. So you stay home. You make all the sacrifices. I didn't know that you were that great. Yeah. So you don't miss a thing. And what happens is they turn 15 and they don't want to be around you. And then you don't see them. That's just lost. So I guess what you're telling the audience, and I don't know who he is, but you're telling the audience that like, it'd be better to have a balance of being really into your career, but yet having a family you don't care about. So would you say that the other form for you would be jazz? I mean, you never hear any jazz people going like, you know, I'm a great father. I mean, that's kind of a given that they're not going to be a good father. So I had a rabbi who said to me early on, you can be a great rabbi or a great father. Yeah.  And but that was his message. You can either be a great rabbi or a great father. Do you think it's time for us Jews to like move our holidays around a little bit and not make them so seasonal to the harvest? I mean, I know probably at this point, maybe 50% of us are still farmers, but I mean, should we celebrate the harvest all the time? You know, maybe a harvest of savings down at, you know, I think we should update our entire thing, the religion of our holidays. Yeah. They should be more to our like things, you know, of our villain should be more villainy like now, you know, like predatory loans and of course, now, do you ever think of moving to another country where they might give you a second chance? All the time. I keep thinking what country would it be? I think Italy, Canada, France, maybe Germany, England. I didn't know you were selling the real thing. Israel, let me finish. Oh, all of them, huh? Communist China, Free China. A lot of these young comics are playing these Chinese gigs now. They're going over there. Yeah. And they're playing and I assume they pay them with phones and sneakers hot, like really hot. I can't use them. They're so right off the presses. Now, you've traveled with your shows. Yes. I want to talk about the USO later, but I didn't know you'd want to talk about that. I have a benefit. Oh, either you got to pick a benefit or a podcast. I do a benefit for emotionally distraught USO performers. Okay, there you go. A lot of these guys come home from these shows.  Nobody wants to hear their shitty stories. And they find out that audiences won't laugh at them just at a gratitude. Yes. So it's very hard for them to transition into regular comedy. Well, it's a forever war, as we call it. So you got to support the troops. But I have traveled a bit, but I didn't travel as much as I thought I would when I was a young boy laying in my mom's bunk beds. You know, thinking about all the adventures I have. I realized that I'm probably one of the worst adventurers. I was just thinking about that the other day.  And then after a while, I was like, oh, man, I can't do this.  And it's like, would that have stopped Ponce de Leon? Would have John Cabot? Who is that guy? I'm trying to think of the classic explorers. He was Italian, John Cabot. Oh, was he? Yeah. Let's talk about Dick Cabot. Did you ever meet him? Dick Cabot, the explorer who would go into the mind of Groucho. Did you ever meet Groucho? No. Okay. What about Chaplin? I didn't know Chaplin. I knew Charlie Chase. Okay. Charlie Chase. Patty Arbuckle. We started again. What, what comics did you like when you were growing up? I don't know if this was covered either in earlier podcasts or the sketch show that we keep hearing about. Go ahead. I'm just trying to, it's called Promote. The comics that I grew up watching. David Brenner, right? David Brenner was great. Right. He was somebody you stayed up late to watch. And now, do you see how comedy ages, like the way it is, is like, you know, in the 70s, like everyone's read that book now about the comedy store, and like David Brenner was like the top of the, the top of the pack, right?    So I don't think they get enough props for that. That's like why this few guys that hold up all the way through and that would be, what's his name? Rodney. He totally does, you know? Right. I mean, his stuff is like, it's great. Rodney is why I started. I didn't know that. Yeah, I love it. What did you see him? I would watch him on television. This was the early 80s and it was just when he was getting his groove.  And I thought that's really interesting that you don't have to be self revelatory. So I don't have to talk about yourself. Myself. And let me ask you this. Did you ever see him live before you were a comic? No. Did you ever see any comics live before you were a comic? Mort Saul. No way, really? How long a show is that? Was that from like eight o'clock till he needs a ride home? Or like, I see that as a never ending show. So I'm sure there's a potluck with some local communists that he has to go to at their house. He's the mortis the best. He is. He's still around. That's the cool of it. Yeah. I wonder what he thinks of today's scene. He's kind of conservative. He is? Yeah, and he never appreciated the new comics. That was old. But he was super like lefty liberal in the 60s, right? But he turned right after the Kennedy. After Saul to get drafted. Is that usually how it works or what happens? The Kennedy assassination. Oh, that's what did it. Yeah. And do you remember where you were when that happened? Yes. I was at the top of the book depository building, holding a Van Likker carcano aiming at the president. There's very few. Do you? Okay, I was thinking of something else. But go ahead. No, please.  Kenny, I was to I was not born yet. Okay. It was like my older brother. That's his story. But I remember the two things I do remember was the fall of Saigon. I remember that. And I was like, what's going on?  No, my dad was like, he could care less. He was what? He could care less. But you know what's so funny is that the people who live next door, they were like real like, you know, like pot heads and stuff like that. You know, they were like, whoa, you know, because they didn't want to fight or anything.  I just found out. Yes. My mother is funny and I didn't realize it. Why? I didn't realize that when she said horrible things to me. Oh, she was that kind of a mother. My kids hung out with her and they were laughing hysterically. No way. And I'm taking it personally and I realize, oh, she's funny. She is. I didn't get her bitter biting wit. Oh, because she was verbally abusive to you. But now I realize it's funny. Are you an only child? No. How many other kids? I have a sister. And what does she do? She is an appellate judge. I always like that. Like one guy, he's a session musician. I think he sells pot.  I'm like, what kind of what kind of house was that? Excuse me, I have to give all the attention to this kid. She's a teacher. Do you have any bougie brothers and sisters? I don't really use that word. I'm not from England, but I have any bougie brothers. Could you know not all everybody in my family, we were all raised to be workers. Like in my house, if you had work that topped everything. But I was in a very loving home and all that kind of stuff. And my mom was very funny. My dad had a sense of humor. The rest of us are kind of like dullards, I would say. But my sister's fun. We're not close or anything. Like we don't live near each other. And that's what I realize is that when you're a parent and you have children, you've got to make sure you have enough kids. But one of them should be a townie that's there. You need someone to lift you out of a bathtub. You know, it's great to have a son who's an astronaut. But you need another one who just like, you know, I don't know what he does. You know, he lives in the attic, but he's always there when I fall out of the toilet, you know. Well, the walk-in tub basically changed the family dynamic. It really did. That's when everybody said, you know what, go, you're free. Because in the past, the immigrants always crippled one kid. So they would stay home. Is that true? Yeah, that was the technique. My mom has a great story about, I think her grandma dying in the house and like she was sitting in a chair and she's like, grandma, grandma, and she was dead in the chair. Like that rarely happens nowadays.   But that's the way it should be. We should get closer to death. I think that's why apartments and homes are so unaffordable now because nobody dies in them. Nobody dies enough. So you don't mind buying that? Oh, that's right, the haunting. The haunting, yeah. I've lived in a haunted apartment. So, you know, it never gets as much attention as a haunted house. But I did. Yeah, I did. I know I did. So do you believe in this stuff or not? I like to believe that I don't believe it because it scares me. I've been in several haunting situations and it terrifies you.  It's great when you're already ramped up paranoid, all sensors are firing and then you hear the haunting story and now you're on the hunt. When were you haunted? Well, I lived in an apartment.  What do you mean a gay murder? Like, I think it was like a lover's quarrel between two men and you knew that moving in. And I didn't know that moving in. How did you find this out?  Yes, that's that was it. It's not a joke, but it's true. I did, I believe, have a bicurious ghost.  But then after a while, I believe the ghost had entered my presence because I was, you know, watching more cooking shows. I was, you know, putting up figurines and whatnot. Everything. No, no, no, wait, no. Then I have another haunting story, which is even better. In Idaho, Boise, Idaho, there's a haunted hotel, which I think is now closed. But we were all staying there and me and the other comics and we're like, this place is haunted.  Like, I can't sleep. The noises and the guy who worked there, you know, there's a type of people that love this stuff, that love haunting like these weird people. And they're like, how do you know it's a ghost? Maybe it's just like the building laundry, something, what else?  They know they have you. So like, whatever they say you're into. But I was like, oh, this is horrible. And then the next day my dad died and I had to fly home. So there you go. Let's get back to the gay ghosts. I don't think we I know that's more of a joke bag. I don't think and I don't think you nailed it there. Have you talked about this on stage in these times? You really shouldn't just start a crowd funder for it and just move on. But I'd say no. I've hit on the fact that they were gay ghosts, but they were they were or one was all right. The other one I think was just a friend. How did they manifest themselves? No, I could just feel the presence and things would move. And like, you know, a lot of it also had to do with like massive amounts of drinking, but still like it was true. Someone had died in the apartment and like once I heard that like, do you remember living in New York like in the 80s? Like what people, you know, like it was different than now. Like if you heard children's voices coming from another apartment, you immediately called the cops. You're like, what's going on there?   I don't even know how that's possible in New York.  Have you been to a psychic? No, I'm afraid of that. Are you into that? I would not go that way.  Is that the word? Whatever, a guy, a guy who believes in facts. Is that, did I say it right? Yeah, I believe in the humors. And the humors. Yes. And what about your daughter? Like, did you want her to have a good grounding in the STEM thing, the science? Yes, I did. My kids, your daughter's turned out great because she works in a museum, right? Yeah. That's a great job. Yes, she's great. I mean, Ben Stiller really brought out the fun of that job, you know, the highs and lows of it. But she got interested in museums by watching my act. See, I like a museum. I like going there. And I think that's a nice date.  This is so much better than the hobo beatdowns that I usually am the prize for.  Have you been to a darn big show? In Puerto Rico, I, yeah, I kind of saw one. And did you get what it was about? Do you see the beat through? Did you see the way that I saw? The beauty of it, the way the cocks, the way the roosters really are fighting for their pride. It's a beautiful thing. There's something to it where like, you know, the guys really do love those birds. Like they really do love them. And they've been raised with the birds, you know, and they, and they, and they love them. And I mean, that was beautiful. The actual fight, which I believe it might have just been put on for the Torristos because I, I believe this isn't the one that they do when, you know, when they're celebrating. But it is the sweet science.    I don't know, Dave. I didn't know that you even thought about any of these things. I would say that, you know, usually at this point in the podcast, someone will ask you your process. Now, I know you don't have a process. I'm not interested. I don't have a process either. I'm not interested in the donkey show.  I saw the gorilla show in Amsterdam. With Jane Goodall? I think it's a guy dressed up in a gorilla suit, any, any bangs and chick on stage. I'm not sure if they still do that over there. It's really up to the EU. I don't know. I'm sure there's a lot of regulation on that. There was a guy dressed in a gorilla suit and he made love. I wouldn't call what he did love. You know, it was really interesting because, you know, there's like an age variant in Europe where like they're allowed to drink earlier. I think at like 16 or something like that. Or like they're allowed to drink wine at 16 and then at 18, you know, they can drink regular whatever and they get high and all that kind of stuff.  So like you'll see them at these places and like they don't get too excited.   When I'm fighting with my kids or they're not talking to me, I'm a Republican. Screw them. Just myopic, short-sighted. What's good for me when I love my kids and my family? I'm a liberal. Now, do you think that they are heading into a better futuristic world of like delivery of packages by drone? Or do you see that as like, that's a job my son should have. He's being replaced by a robot. I don't think that's right. I'm at an age now where I'm beginning to say, thank God I won't be alive to see that. I'm almost there. I say that right before the People's Choice Award. Every time, like, I hope by the time this is over, I'm dead. See, I thought because of your many like, you've won an Emmy, haven't you? Or no? Yeah, so you have. So doesn't that bring you to another rarefied world of showbiz that I can only dream of?  But I assume that once you're in that world of the Emmy world, it's all brunches and, you know, a lot of lunch meetings, like that kind of thing. No. Then how about that brunch? No brunch. That was nothing about my haunted apartment. Every Sunday from like one to three, there was no haunting. You got brunch. Even the other gigos would go out shopping. I saw an elliptical machine just going in my apartment for no reason. I think you have a movie. No, it's not a movie.   I'm sure that's illegal at this point even to even gender genderize a ghost. Well, you've heard of my Halloween, my, you know, the trans neutral Dracula that I've been working on in the by Curious Frankenstein. Speech codes. Do you work colleges? No, I would. Did you ever work? Yeah. Yeah. Back in the day, that was a great money grab. And what happened? Did you? No, I gave up on it. I would never do one now. Because they're so prim and proper.  There's a lot of these like religious colleges where they let them drink. So there's like a lot of that saying, you know, Josephine's of the Our Lady of Whatever, you know, couldn't get into Notre Dame, you know, whatever they call it. And I played the colleges, but I have no desire to do any of that now. Like, I would, like, that's the thing about like, where I am in the whole thing. It's like, I'm pretty much happy doing what I'm doing, like, you know, playing the clubs that I do. Like theater shows, rarely I'll do them.  I love that. But I, it's like arena comedy. I only've done that like two or three times. Like a huge, what's the biggest venue you've ever played? Family court. There must have been 80, 90 people there. Your honor, the man is conflicted between his career and his family. Am I right?  I swear to God, he charged eight bucks for an exhaled sandwich and, you know, comes walking out with a black eye, holding two babies like that. That's really, honestly. Have you ever gotten into trouble with the law? I think I'm in trouble with it right now. Now, here's the thing about like New York and like laws here. It's like, I feel like, I feel like, you know, there's so many laws here. Like, is it legal to smoke pot here or not? I don't know. Like, I don't know. Like there's like this weird like thing, like I don't smoke pot, but like I look at these kids that are smoking pot all the time and it's like I'm hanging around talking to them. So now I reek of pot. And then it's like, and then I have to fly.   But I don't, I don't really, yeah. No, I'll say this, okay. I don't go on the web as much as I guess I should. Like you have a big heavy web presence, right? Yeah, I'm pouring.  Your Christmas Vine video. That one where you put antlers on your dog and had your son ride them. I mean, that was hilarious. And you both were naked. I don't know. What do you see as the next step for comedy? We're already doing podcasts. So what do you think it is? Platforms or just being funny? I think we have enough platforms, right? Right. Do you think? So do you see it more as a PlayStation we experience where interactive where the crowd themselves will be like watching from many places in the world and like commenting and you will have to like much like a webcam girl. You'd have to like answer their requests. I have no idea. All I just want to do is stay funny. Put me in any situation where I can be funny. I don't care what the technology is. You think you're funnier now than you ever were? Yes. I agree with that. I am. I'm much funnier. I think that I'm at the point, especially now since I have no career goals. I really have none. Just being able to go and do my act and stuff is fine. And anything else is like who care? You know, it's great, whatever. Being able to do the clubs. But I think that like the age being age gives you such a great like perspective because of all the sadness, you know, like all the broken dreams and everything. And when you look at these crowds, you realize that they're all winners. None of them have lost yet.  They still believe. Well, I still believe in the dream. They believe in the dream. I still believe in the dream. You do. I do. I still believe that happiness is possible. And I think you find happiness by hanging out with. I'm being serious like with people who you respect and. Sure. Don't press charges to me. That's that's the happiest you can be is just hanging out with good people where you're freer.  Do you think 10 years ago, we'd be having this conversation with the. We had this conversation.  Do you think that your LaWima was asking for it? Yes, I do. Do you feel that you're able to connect with the younger crowd? Absolutely.   I mean, I think it's hilarious. It's hilarious to see your father trying to hit on a 24 year old girl. That's right, because you're single now. So there might be, yeah, some play.  I have not mastered the after show. Yes. And I wanted to ask you about that. There's some guys who are great at it. Some guys who are not, but I'll just say one thing. Most of the people come up to me after the show are drunk guys who watched me years ago. And now they're married with their family and they come up to me and then, you know, I take pictures with them. That's that's pretty much all it is. As you get older, you realize that like, nobody really like sees how old they are until they see other people who are old that they knew like, what happened? Look at this guy and then they don't realize that they're old. But I realized that these were like young kids watching me and now they're like all adults. So it's like I'm old like Captain Kangaroo kind of style, you know, like they grew up watching me and now I'm the old man. So let's talk about San Francisco. Like you with with Jake and all those guys in the 80s, right? And who would you say is the template of that generation of comics? Well, for my generation would be Jake. I mean, Jake was the standard. Dennis Miller used to say, who's the comic you started out with who you were competitive with? And you resented because every comic has that according to Dennis Miller. Jake was that comic for me because he was clean. Good looking guy. Good looking guy told stories on stage. Right. Way out of the game. Right. He didn't tell jokes. Yeah. He hung the jokes in a story. And my father used to call me up and say, have you seen Jake Johansson? Yes, I've seen Jake. This guy is fantastic. He was he was the guy. Yeah. And then he came to my wedding. Jake and my father wanted to meet him. And I didn't know. I didn't know was that that close. But who were the Rubin was the other guy? Rubin. I was just talking about Bob Rubin yesterday. Probably the most original comic to come out of San Francisco. Just not commercial kind of self-destructive. And then there are the mega, you know, the guys who Robin Williams, Robin. You guys would get to see him perform. Yes. As like at the height of his fame. Yes. And to this day. I always feel what's the point of doing it. When we look at when you look at him. I watch Robin and I was bubbles. I always used to say this one. Yeah. And Larry also. Yeah. We used to say you do realize that the only reason this crowd is here is they think Robin might show up. That's the same at the cellar here now where there's so many celebrity drop buys. It's really great for comedy. It really helped energize this younger audience because up until that point, you know, you were thinking like, are they just going to watch this on the web? Like, are they ever going to come out to the clubs? Because you were there in the 80s, like when the comedy boom went down and how like that was really depressing. Like I just started, you know, as I got more into comedy, I realized I was like, Oh, I get it why people aren't coming. There's a lot of generic comedy here. It's really bad.  Back then it was really like that kind of like, everybody was doing an evening at the improv set all the time, you know, and you were on evening at the improv set. How many? More than I remember, but that I was always I was on once and Bud said, thanks for dressing up. Give it up for Bud, everybody. What about Gary Shandling? Did you get to work with him? He was never a San Francisco guy. No, but Gary was. Did you know him as a stand-up before he was a TV guy? Because he went to TV and he kind of never looked back. Right. I would see him at the comedy magic club just going up with notes. And it was the kind of thing. Oh, really? It was the kind of thing where Here's the alt, like the maker of the alt world. Or he couldn't remember his act. Is that what alt is? You can't remember your act? Well, you're always supposed to bring like a notebook up there or whatever. Now the alt scene, like they're so moneyed and like, you know, like private jet that they should actually go up there with a butler. And he just whispered into their ear. Talk about your dog's birthday party.   Oh, so they were really thinking about buying a boat. I didn't know that. Right. What's the most indulgent thing you've done when you when you felt you had money? When I had money? Well, I bought my parents a house. Oh, I bought my mom a house. So I thought that was very MBA of me to do that. MBA, you know.   Like a basketball player would do. Yeah. Wow. I bought her a house. What did you do for yourself? That's interesting. Can you can you? Well, I bought myself an apartment. That was good. But I'm not into cars or jewelry or stuff like that. Yeah.  Yeah, I like to. Yeah. I'm Iranian. I'm an Iranian Jew. I think on this side of the Mississippi, you have the biggest high collection. That's a Jewish cross for the Western viewer. I love gold. I mean, I'm just, I'm reading gold and Aramis. I walk in and. Yeah. What would be, what would be the, I don't know. Can you spend money on yourself? I can't. No, I can't. I don't really spend money on myself. I cannot spend money on myself. That's great. What is your end of my life? So do your kids like have that same thing or they go like, I'm going to spend a lot of money on myself because my dad never did it. I think they're, I don't know. No, I think. Do you know them at all or no? I don't know them. I don't know. I would say that the rich kids of Instagram say it best, you know, fake it till you make it.  That's really the way. But growing up. Growing up, I grew up in a middle class family. Yeah. We had every, we were fine. Yeah. But you were, it wasn't a consumer culture where you didn't. Yeah. It was all like, yeah, we, no, we went to the mall. We went to the mall and we did all those like Long Island things, you know, racquetball and all those kind of things of drinking and driving. We did all those things, you know, but now I don't know. The thing I like the most about money is that like you can take it and do your own project. So when you say the most self-indulgent thing is with the Dave's old porn thing, they paid me to do it, but it wasn't enough to finish it. So I had to end up throwing in like a hundred, over a hundred grand. And this new thing I'm working on now, this self-invented game thing. I'm probably like 50 grand in on that.  I'm not really into that. I don't like any show biz party thing or I don't like any of that. You don't. You love a good show biz party. I can go. Especially if there's a piano there. And you can stop.  I know you don't believe this, but I'm a creep. Yeah.  But back in the day, it was just like, you know, there's a lot of people, I think that went into comedy that have that kind of like weird spectrum. But a lot of them, like I've seen a lot of comics and I go, oh, you're not as weird as I thought you were. Right. You can hang out. You play basketball at Gary Shanlings. Right. You're part of the tribe. And I envy that because I'm kind of greedy with my time. Well, I consider those kind of people that where they're like, they're sociable, like if it might help their career, you know, it's like, hey, you know, there's two guys waiting out of the show to take a picture. I don't do that. But hey, there's, you know, what's it called? Gary Sinise is doing an apple picking. Oh, sure. I'm going poor Gary to take on the best guy.   You know, really?  I don't go to any of them. Would you go to a party if you thought it would be good for your career? Never. I would never do that. I like I think you're telling the truth. I'm not a party guy. Back in the day, like we used to, you know, as comics, like we used to hang out and write. Like, and I was like, I love that, you know, but now it's like now it's really now it's so hard to like get anybody together to do anything, you know. Everybody's got families. Everybody's, you know, like busy. So as a prolific writer, you're considered. Well, I believe in the new joke. Like people talk about like jokes. When you said the whole thing of Jake Johansson stories and stuff like that, Jake was a great comic in the fact that he was telling a story, but there were jokes all along the way. Now for some reason in this new style of comedy, it's the story and then your personal outrage or your political, whatever. Then a few jokes, you know, and I'm like, it really should always be the jokes and then the the rest of this. Are we wrong? Are we wrong? I don't know. I feel like this generation of new people that have never seen them more stressed out and like serious yet worldly, but like also like they don't have the same sense of humor that we did.  That like they've really taken a lot of the the funny off the buffet if you ask me. So you're so you're watching young performers who are doing tell their stories, but they're like the same stories my mother tells me. They're doing music, but not lyrics. Oh, that's interesting. That's how I see it. And I'm thinking, well, they represent a group or an ideal or a lifestyle and the audience connects with them right away. But the rest of the the rest of the crowd, I go, these people like are, you know, better people than ever lived on the planet. But then the minute someone does a corny hacky joke, they go historical laughter. And I'm like, oh, so it's just like, they don't really know comedy. That's they're kind of new to comedy, like this kind of comedy. So I was reading a biography of W.C. Fields. And one of the things that amazed him when he was doing the vaudeville was that he could travel to a town and say, what's the town everybody here makes fun of? Yeah, I do that too. Absolutely. Yeah. And it's like, so there are these universals that never change. That could date back to before vaudeville, back to minstrel shows, which you are trying to bring back. Well, I think Mark Twain, who was the first touring comic actually, you know, where he was always talking about, like, you know, I've got a two nighter in Ithaca. He really toured heavily upstate New York. I know that. But if you look at his thing, like I read his thing, he goes like, I don't know what the problem is here in Rochester. Like you would talk about like, who are these people? But his like long drawn out stories and everything like that, I feel like he would kill right now, Mark Twain. Debussy's Fields, I'm not so sure. I think that he would, you know, because he was also a pool hustler, according to his movies. I'm not sure if people would enjoy a guy who's milking his substance abuse, or alcohol, that is. Well, he was also, before he even became a comedian, the best juggler in the world. I didn't know that. Yeah, really. He was considered on the vaudeville circuit the best juggler and just got bored with it and switched to comedy. He was that good. Wow. Yeah. In those movies, like you've seen those movies, right? I think that was like the last time you could see like a grown man and a child.  Now that would be like, you have to have a march for that. Baby Leroy, was that it? Baby Leroy, yes. You know, there were jokes. I never hit a woman, not even my mother. It was about to hit Baby Leroy. And this one goes, how dare you? And she clutches her pearls. He was relaxed. I've never hit a woman, not even my mother. And I thought that was the funniest joke I had ever heard in my life. Right. I never hit a woman, not even my mother. And then the whole thing with wanting to hit this baby, that's hysterical that he would, he hated Baby Leroy. Yes. Hating children. You can't do that anymore. Yes. He was ahead of his time if he asked me.   Like they're starting to talk about it. It is very PC, but still like, nothing compared to that dynamic that we just expressed. I wanted to do a roast battle with somebody's kid and win. Oh, that's a good idea. I wanted to do a thing. And everybody should know you'll get into trouble.  Wow.  You know, and he's the straight man, and I'm making fun of it, but people in the audience won't accept that. I go, but that's so funny for the old guy to win. I want to do a show of like, you know, the sons and daughters of all these comics, you know, you have children, have them like a show of them doing their dad's best jokes. But here's the funny of it. That's a funny. The more famous sons and daughters would bump the. And go along. Yeah. Oh, no. Look who walked in. It's Jerry Seinfeld's kid. Sorry. Hey, traveling around the world for the for the army. For the military. For the military. Yeah, the military. Yeah. Did you go to Iraq? Yeah, I went there like five times. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Weren't you involved in the in the war effort at all or no? I was too afraid. Were you really afraid? Yes.  I was going to get some poor guy killed because he had to watch me because they have watchers that watch you and everything. But they were really cool to me. The problem with the military shows they have a PC thing there too. Because like all the laws that we act they have to they have to do it. So now I would say like my act was already kind of too blue for them. Now now it's like probably out of control. But they've always been cool to me. And the crowds crazy. You went to Iraq five times. Yes. What year? How early? From like 05 till like 09 or something like that. Who did you go with?  And you know some of them no longer with us. But they it was really like it was really a cool like thing to get to do. Because I think that like the majority of people in this country want to do something for the troops. But to actually get to go and see kind of you know just a taste of what they do. And then like realize how like you know like I never served in the military like that. Like you know it really it really kind of like you know I felt bad that like I wasn't a part of something. So it was cool to get to see them do that.  The big one that I do is the or I was really involved with was Operation Purple which is you know for the families you know of these deployed troops. You know I sent them to summer camps and they have all these great programs for them to deal with like multiple deployments. And of course it's really hard to be the child of a kid who's like parents are away. You know mother or father on multiple deployments. You know I guess it would probably be like you know weren't you involved in the amazing race or something like that. It was tough on the kids. You don't know if your kids are coming down. Yeah no I mean like there's no comparison to anything for it. So they have these special programs where they get to hang with themselves and like get to go do some really fun things. So it's called Operation Purple and the you can check it out online. So but I would say the troop thing was like one of the good things that I've done with comedy that I was blessed to allow to do something good.  So that makes you feel good. But you've helped out in many other ways. By not entertaining the troops. Well I think that there's that but then there must have been seven or eight San Francisco like a collective needed a new jukebox or the air hockey table down at the youth hostel needed a new court or something. Some other San Francisco and what about in LA you were never pulled into any live aids or any of those kind of things. Yeah I did some benefits. The problem with my act is. Yes. They don't want me. See that's the thing. But I did here's the thing Karen Rinkowski who I love and does a battered women's benefit in Silmar. And I'm being absolutely. You can't do that. I do it. You do.  It's it's a shelter for women in Silmar California. When I was living in LA I would do it like three times a year. And the women love. I'd go like I'd get up I'd go all right ladies I'm just reaching for the microphone. Don't don't flinch. I swear to God Dave. I like it.  If a joke doesn't work I'd go you want to try listening. And boom they and I go well wait what's going on here. How come I found your crowd. I found my crowd battered women. When you were starting to do comedy and I know this is going way too long. I mean I'm just blathering. I love this. Of course you do. I'm a pig. I smell a two parter. As they say in the podcast world.  Now I was going to say that like my crowd is really cool like the older crowd like the ones who are like over I guess twenty five thirty something like that where they've already like been broken by life and they realize that you know there's humor and all the sadness. But the young crowd doesn't connect. I find it harder to connect with them just because like I said they're still winners you know like they still are going to win in their lives. Do you think you have to be broken by life to be funny. I think so. I think it helps. I really do. I remember seeing you as a joke writer I was like oh my god. I was like how does this guy come up with this stuff. When you play Carolines you know. Like that was like the hottest club in New York City. And like to get a week in there was like such a you know you still and I remember seeing you you play there right. Yeah. Yeah OK. So it was it was great. You and I were at Harvard. We're getting our MBA. Right. And you said to me. I said computers. Don't waste your time.  That's the future. Do you think it's possible for me to go on stage in front of you and tell jokes. That would make it impossible for you to follow me. But isn't that my job to follow you. Are there jokes that can just totally poison a room for you. No.   Why are you middling. They'll go like oh dude I see you come to town.  And it's happened to me. It's happened to me and it will happen to me again. But that's really. I remember one club where there was all these guest spots. But every one of them was like a regional power headliner. It's like you don't mind this guy does 10 minutes. And I really don't mind if people do. Yuck yuck since Toronto. OK. You could yell. You could there's like five. I think there's a lot of pressure point areas where that happens. But mine was in the north. It was out west.  He just got off a cruise ship. And he just wants to like work some new stuff out. And he hit me with every like high energy likeable bit ever invented. And then another guy is like this guy you know he's like he's just trying to figure some stuff out. And like he don't mind.  And I'm like OK great. And then you know it's like you have to follow that. And have you ever snapped on the road where somebody's where at the crowd or at the at the crowd or the other comics or the opening act. No I would never do that. What if the guy is imitating Al Pacino getting butt by. Well he should be the headliner then. What if you're working Texas. Yeah. And see now you have a lot of issues with the road. You never you got to give it up to the road. You got to give up to the road. What do you know. That means that like anything goes and that like it's not going to be you know like you're not going to cut you know you're there for you're there for the money you're there for the time like the stage time and all that kind of stuff and you're there for the fans. So you got to give it up to the but if you're bringing like a lot of nose with you on the road then it's then it's a lot of hard like you know I don't like dirty this and you know that. Yeah that's what I did. I'm not saying people don't do it a lot of people don't but for me I was always like the road is where like I get to test the bits out that I was working on. Now it's the other way around where it's like I'll come up with bits on the road and bring them back to New York because the crowds here are more PC than the road crowds. Well hang on hang on hang on. So as I understand it because I'm new to New York I'm back. I think you're new to the comedy road situation. Yeah. You know you can play these bar shows if you want like a more eclectic kind of small crowd you know. Do you play them? Yeah yeah. I think the road helped me develop as a comic and a man. No I think the road helped me develop as like a comic because I got to do way past my comfort zone of time and also deal with a lot of crazy situations but I'm a product of the late night New York scene so I'm always going to be that kind of comic but the road was what kind of helped formulate it into like a thing but I've done those five minutes sets for TV and people don't get how important they used to be like just Johansson did like 30 Letterman's Carson's and that's an impressive number and it's also really hard to do and people don't get how important that was. Today's comics they don't really even see that as like no one's going to watch it who cares it's not going to lead to like an own workaholic show so like what's the point but I think at the end of the day there's some ones that are really good joke writers and they do it like Sam Morrell is really good. Mark Norman, Mackie they're there's so many great ones Mike Vicky own. These guys are great joke writers and you know they do them and it kind of makes you feel good to go like hey look they're doing it. Right when you say what's the point? Yeah because it doesn't lead to anything.  How many Mike Douglas's have you done? I mean Murph Griffins. I did Murph. That's where the first time I started Gary Shannon was on dinosaurs. Can you believe it? Mr. Alt and these areas doing his oval team bit. Will you come back and do this? I would love not to. You know I think the best thing to do is like you move on to the next comic. That's the best way to go. Well no I love to. And then you put a live show together and we all come back out. That's how you do it. Is that how you do it? Will you be my producer because I'm looking for one? No I'm not going to do that. You and I watched Mr. Saturday Night together. Do you remember this? We went to see Mr. Saturday Night together. Oh we did? I didn't know that. Yeah we both had a gig. I think we were both playing Carolines. Oh okay. And how was it? There was a woman crying throughout. Of a laughter. No just crying. For Mr. Saturday Night? I remember this vividly and you kept laughing at the woman crying. Oh okay. And it was the Billy Crystal movie. Yeah. Wanted to ask you about this because Mr. Saturday Night when people ask me should I be a comic or should I stay and I've been doing it for six years I'm thinking of getting out. I always say go watch Mr. Saturday Night and if you think it has a happy ending. That's a good idea. Then you should do it. Right. And any Billy Crystal movie has a happy ending because it's over. No it ends with it ends with him playing the condo circuit. And I remember and I remember thinking well that's good. I wouldn't mind being in my 80s playing the condo circuit. So many people have said to me it's so depressing. It's so I'm going what are you talking about? He's got a gig. He's playing the condo circuit.  Is that how you're looking at it? Yeah. No I think that that's a good movie. A template of comedy. I think that really is. It's one of the rare comedy movies that is actually funny because usually you know people bring this intensity to this kind of half-ass world we live in. Like we're not pilots. All right. You know like we're not it's really the most important unimportant thing you could ever do with your life is being a comic. It's like it's not going to change the world. It's not going to do anything but it's there is definitely a in my mind like you know you get driven.  I know people have been doing it like you know 15 20 years or so like you know I don't know if I should keep doing it. I'm like well take that 20 years mark and throw it on any other job and go like let's say you worked construction. You know what would you say? You'd say like I don't know if I should do anymore. Then you would quit right wouldn't you? So it's like just quit then you know just stop. Nobody ever really quit. But yeah I don't think anybody ever really quits and I also think that the only real thing that you can do in comedy is get funnier like for yourself. Like I'm very happy that like all those for 15 years I'll say it I never really understand the whole thing like it took me so long to learn how to write a joke and then to perform I wasn't a good performer and then they like one would be better than the other would be better and I'm talking about years of like just like you know man am I ever gonna get like a decent joke and then you know my performance But you came out of the gate pretty quickly. No that's not true seven years before I really made any money doing it you know. Yeah but in today's time I think people usually like three three years. But you were with then you started in 87. Yeah. You were writing on SNL within three years four years. On 94 I was there. Could you have ever made it as a writer could you give. So that's seven years dude so three or four years. Could you have made it as a writer you. No I hated it. What just working for some. I've said this on multiple podcasts that back in the day if you were ugly people wanted you to be a writer all your good looking Israeli agents would go you know what you should be a writer and I'm going to get you into a Disney program where you learn how to write like a little mermaid or something right and you're like I don't want to do that want to be a comic and then now things are different where it's like you walk in the writing room the ugliest guy is the star and all the good looking Harvard guys are the writers they're all like these super you know heavy duty writers but no I would never I wish I knew how to write I wish I was a writer I think that's still a cool thing you know to be a writer but I'm not I'm not a writer I'm not a script writer I'm not a book writer I know that so I'm not any of those things were you a writer back at where'd you go to school again at Yeshiva were you a writer or what did you do I wrote I heard you were thrown out of Yeshiva because you smuggled deodorant in somebody said get that get that Goya should smell out of here and turn the heat up somebody wave around a dead fish because there's a good smell in here were you bar mitzvah yes I was did you go and did you go to Hebrew school for sure I did can you read Hebrew well I don't like to brag but Dave to sum it up and I'd love to come back any time but I'd like to see you get like who's on your wish list or your bucket list for the guests go ahead you well ta-da done and coming back maybe sure I would love to get all those questions written down on coffee table somewhere yeah you don't talk politics this is the last question oh now we have you don't talk politics I doubt and I respect that you can do an as the third Koch brother I believe my politics in my checkbook you can do an entire hour on stage yeah make people laugh and nobody has any idea if you're a Democrat or Republican they have no idea oh I voted for Hillary I'll say it right now but uh they don't know if you're against assault with a deadly weapon or fort you don't know if you're against animal cruelty I play all these they call them red states but those people are cool the majority of them the majority of them you know like love every kind of joke you know a dick joke is universal and all kind of stuff and they're you know like I can see him laughing with their guns jiggling on their sides and everything here's the thing that I don't like political comedy and there's some people that are great at like Lewis Black I think is the best and uh Bill Maher and those guys like uh this John Oliver guy is super great but for the rest of us who are like dabblers in it you know it's like you're preaching to your choir to like everybody in that room kind of agrees with you already so it's it's like a pep rally if you really want to if you really want to like throw down with your idea let's go to Birmingham, Alabama or like some of the clubs I play and that's what I love about Bill Hicks is like you know he had an altie like act even though it was so great the jokes but he was playing all these like these like you know like uh all the places that I play like Kentucky and Alabama and all these different places where they didn't necessarily want to hear his theories on Jesus you know right but he wouldn't pull back because he was that cool but these kids are pretty much preaching to the choir you know it's not very like brave to be a vegan who believes in same-sex marriage in Williamsburg I mean that's kind of like that's their jury duty I mean do you shift gears do I yeah when the audience starts getting prickly with you will you why I know you challenge two gears hilarious yes you do David it's how no no hold on I said well I shift gears well I do my thing of like uh because I'm the worst performer I go three jokes that I wanted to try if they don't laugh at that then I immediately it turns into a knife battle that's how it works with me now I assume with you when you're locked in do you work with the situation at all or you have jokes to tell when I know what I'm doing you know when I know what I'm doing because I don't always know what I'm doing but I know really see I thought you went up there more prepared I am prepared you are but when I really know what I'm doing yeah I know that every joke is not supposed to work I have this that's good I have this killer instinct in me where I want to kill and I'm and I'm so in the moment I'm judging each joke and I'm going that didn't work that didn't work instead of embracing the joke not working and challenge the the audience not laughing and go what huh and respond to me that's what timing is is being in the moment with the reaction and not wanting them to laugh just wanting them to react that's when I know what I'm doing but when I just want laughs that's insecure oh that's interesting and it's weak and it's not entertaining that's interesting I agree with some of that and I are you up on stage counting your laughs no not at all no I I go I don't even care about I just care about the joke and like if it doesn't get a laugh I'm immediately trying to fix it in my head as I'm telling the next one what do you mean you're fixing a joke that you just told well yeah I'm like oh damn that didn't work so now I'm gonna like have to work on that one and then I'll go on to the next one you know but for me the most fun of it is the joke in the moment which is like if you're working with like another comic like Jeff Ross or somebody on stage and you come up with something or like you know like offer some crowd work or just for me sometimes like I'll go up with a topic and I will try and get the joke just to keep my brain going keep the you know try and find the joke as I'm telling it so that helps me keep it fresh but I really always appreciate a good clean joke you know like where it's like like Nick Griffin have you ever seen him he's great he's a great he's a great joke writer and he also is really a fun fun like act and you know like there's so many guys who are clean you know it doesn't mean like they're like Noxbury farm clean you know it's not like oh gosh clean but they don't Jingleberry farm yeah yeah so like they're clean and like you know the audience like doesn't appreciate how hard it is to write a clean joke like clean joke is really hard I know we have to wrap it up but that's I that was one of the questions I wanted to ask you did well we're going to get to that after 400 on the on the cap and trade bill don't you think I maintain that most comics would rather be clean than dirty or blue or dark I would rather be clean and light yeah than dark but I can't make an audience laugh unless I'm showing them the truth my or my rot when you started out you had a light touch you weren't no that's not true I mean I think that it's the dirty joke writes itself and then when you live the dirty life those are like I'm just talking about my life man but the shocking joke I think never works which is like the guy who's just shocking uses filth to shock the audience and I see a lot of that now of like in both sides of the fence in the PC world where they'll like shock people what's with an issue and then talk about it and it's like the audience has to like deal with it whoa this person was adopted and then like you know they have to deal with it and like blah blah blah and then the person will tell their tale but I never like a shock joke of like you know just like boo you know like that right but going back to I like a good well written I like a dirty joke that's smart and I also like a clean joke that just a good clean joke the rules of engagement yes with comedy good what are the rules of engagement you're saying because I agree with you and nobody talks about this there are rules and there are standards that's why I never want people saying the F word in front of me right because you're punching up weak cheese that's true that I I I agree with that that when you when you're throwing as Carlin used to say you're just throwing the sauce on it like the spice that like you really are like probably build up a joke that's not that that's strong right so I agree with that so I don't want it in front of me when I'm performing I want you working on your act I want I want you writing jokes and I don't know if you're running a camp or a club but well I can't run a camp anymore because you can like you said earlier three or four hours ago when we started you can't control people am I right well what I'm I think Uday or Kusay Hussein said best those guys were I guess this is probably inappropriate but um you know if we gave them a chance you know what are the rules of engagement as a respected comedian when you see a comic on stage working clean you just like me respect the guy what is a clean joke do people even know what a clean joke is it doesn't even have to be dirty if it's about a topic that's considered you know politically incorrect do people know what a dirty joke is I don't think people know what a dirty joke is no I think on the setup you know on the setup you can get boozed because the topic itself is politically incorrect so the the dirty joke itself the dirty joke itself might not be as as um to the crowd might not be as threatening as an actual like clean joke that deals with like uh you know politically incorrect topics so I see that a lot too where people are groaning at someone telling their story about something that happened to them racial or something and the the crowd will like immediately turn off on on them you know and uh it's weird because like uh the comic club was the last place where you thought like this PC thing would really kind of entrench but when I used to do morning radio they were under the gun and then like I said I know this is going to happen in comedy clubs too it's like it just has to go that way and then like as twitter built and all that kind of stuff it did so now that's where we live in where like the comedy show is uh like also under this kind of weird filter you know is that what is helping comedy don't we need taboos to make no absolutely you know what this these kids don't need that they really don't need it I think that they're more focused than we give them credit for first of all they have a lot of great role models for being amazing you know like the zuckerbergs and all those people a billionaire 20 you know nine-year-olds or whatever so there's a lot of they like when you were a kid right who was the most famous person Edison Edison and for me was evil can evil and I was like so in order to get any attention or any kind of play I got to jump over a canyon these kids only going to sit at home and think of an app that you know creates the ultimate peanut butter jelly sandwich they're you know balls deep in it now you know what I like is how easily they've embraced money because remember growing up it was like not cool to look rich now it's like it's pretty cool and and you're not supposed to do things for money what oh that's true you know but these kids who knows let's plug some gigs okay let's do where are you going to be playing where am I going to be playing yeah because I'd like to um heckle no I'd like to as a heckler I would like to watch oh greatest yeah response ever in the history of heckling what there was a comic yeah I've always wanted to tell you this story because Larry god Larry bubbles brand yes and Alex Reed and I would tell this story about a comic being heckled and it is the greatest response ever in the history what give us a give us the situation there was a comic yeah who was on stage and somebody heckled him and I always wanted to tell you this story and somebody was heckling this great comic and the great comic said okay what do you do sir and the heckler said I f*** your mother and this great comic said welcome to the world of AIDS oh that's great that's you I know I know dude that is the funny we have talked about that you and bubbles like once a year the things that you talk about deciding on who's going to pick up a check at a lunch and I really two known grubbers well that's cool but you know why that's so funny yeah because Alex Reed who was that again he's a comedy writer what he said is what is so great and disarming about this was there's nothing socially redeeming you didn't get the best of the heckler the heckler didn't get the best of you it is the perfect response for a comic on stage when the guy says I f*** your mother and you say welcome to the world of AIDS it is the greatest heckler response do you remember that I don't like being quoted to myself like I'm somebody do you remember that a kind of I don't know but what I want to say is this is that people always pull out these nuggets of like a quote like that and like in in their minds now since you don't really tell stories like the way I would tell them which is like and then a curtain closes and a girl walks out and there's a trophy no then there's another 30 minutes of shitty comic that happened and I like how people always pull these nuggets of what happened but they don't really get like you know it's like it's not all Viking funerals you know what I'm saying like it's a lot of there's a lot of grunt work out there but that's what always gets me is that like people go like and then this guy said this and that's like and then you know there was like a whole other shitty show like you know but that's life you have sex and you remember the sex you don't remember the cleaning up afterwards true well David to tell I always said that like I'm going to die up there but I'm not going to I'm not going to leave until my time's up like I'm going to do my job in my mind I would leave my body like I would I would be dying so badly that I would leave my body and I could actually like watch myself dying on stage like I really would feel that outer body experience I had an outer body experience I shit my pants when right now no wonder I I thought it was smoke no did you the first time I went on stage I pissed my pants I know that did you really yeah I was so nervous but people don't piss just a tinkle you know wasn't like a full tilt do people really piss their pants when they're nervous I just said I did it didn't I I can't tell if you're telling the truth and I did no I was like all these people go on stage to have such confidence you know I I was so nervous I was like uh and I had all my jokes written down in my pocket and all that kind of stuff and I was like so nervous and it was horrible and I remember I remember like I was like oh you know and then somebody goes the first time is always the worst and then there was like another six months of times like that no no pissing now dry you know it was a dry night as we said and I remember going to my mom and go like I guess I'm not good at anything you're good at pissing Dave let's plug some gigs I really have no gigs to plug well you what is this air it's going to air tonight at 3 a.m. oh really it airs 3 a.m. Tuesday we launch a new podcast every Tuesday and Friday at exactly 3 a.m. oh that's cool the seller I'll be at the uh yeah I'm always I'm always hanging around here at the commie seller I'll be at the stress factory in New Jersey with Vinny Brand yes I like that club good crowds yeah so that's coming up well thank you so much thank you and Passover I'll be leading the sader at my mom's house so that's true Jonathan Katz told me a great joke oh come on already a blind guy at a Passover sader picks up the motz and says who wrote this shit thanks buddy all right this one goes out to Dean you guys ready two three I'm Dean I don't know all the chords Dean the David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you you sad pathetic comps Dean Obadala thank you for joining us sure thanks for having me and we had of a a song that we prepared for you and I appreciate that and it's been in my head ever since I saw you on the schedule I like that song a lot seriously that was very good and I'm convinced that it's hack that everybody does that no one never heard that Obla de Obla Da I've heard for ever I've heard Dean owe me a dollar I've heard that forever I've heard go back to your country I've heard you Muslims are dogs and your pigs and you know that kind of stuff and that but not and that's how I'll hack to me never no one's ever done I like that it's very good you have been talked about on the show for a year Scott Blakeman tours with you sure good guy he is a he's a great guy and I've met you doing stand-up your hysterical comic let me introduce you let me give you a proper introduction about fucking time yeah I know because some come on I've earned this some people may not know who you are most don't you are the host of the Dean Obla Da show on Sirius XM the insight channel you come on before John Fugel saying I do and I badmouthed John for the entire show somebody asked badmouthing John does anybody not like John Fugel saying other than John John is except for John John has self-leveling we all do as comedians but John is well like a really good guy and very very talented you know guy you're a great comic you are also one of the stars of the Muslims are coming and you write for The Daily Beast you're a lawyer by training I don't practice anymore what kind of law did you practice litigation you know court trial trial attorney tried cases and stuff represented big companies against little people who were in need of help but there I was on the side of the big company crushing their their house of their dreams or whatever they had didn't make me feel good at the end of the day so it's part of the reason I left you're also an amazing writer and I amazing doesn't do you justice and you don't deserve justice considering what you used to do for a living right you wrote a piece inditing Bill Marr for putting Milo Yaponapilapilas on his show I just lost it when Bill had him on the show completely lost my mind and I wrote for this show I do these rants on my show and I read your piece in CNN and the CNN website so brilliantly well thank you it was like case law you had written out a case against Bill for putting him on I don't like Bill Bill doesn't like me apparently because he wrote an article I wrote last year and attacked me even though he's never invited me on the show although he almost did I wrote an article for Daily Beast defending the Ahmed the teenage clock boy from Houston and he's saying this guy Dean Obi-Dahl I'll write this stuff and discount me these liberal apologists and holy shit you know but that's not why I have a problem with Bill I have a problem with Bill because he demonizes Muslims that's why I have a problem with Bill I want to ask you about that because I work for Bill for a very long time I think he's the bravest guy out there and I'll play dumb with you I'm gonna I'm gonna defend this is what I'm gonna do during this show sure I will not have a Muslim basher on the show I won't have a Trump supporter on the show I've tried it my listeners don't want it Roger Stone would you have Roger on? Nah Trump Maher had him on last night I wouldn't have him on because he's not real Yeah he plays people and I I'm gonna do this and then I promise my listeners I know I've been talking too much I apologize I talk too much on this show It's fine your show I know People tune in for you for David Feldman they turned it for you You're Dean of the Galaxy Do you have a theme song? Do you have a song? David Feldman Oh you should change the name of the song I thought it was really for me this is absolutely this is bull I mean I thought you wrote a song so everyone gets the same it's the same song it's changing the name it's Scott Blakeman Blakeman it's Scott very nice I'm gonna tell Scott And by the way you had Robert Klein on your radio show for SiriusXM a couple days ago and I'm jealous I'm jealous that you know Robert Klein I don't know personally he was through I've met him once before but Scott opens for him and it was through the SiriusXM talent department frankly that's how he get most of your guests there but he was really nice guy and a nice conversation Okay and you're a brilliant comedian you really are and you're a great writer you write for the Daily Beast you appear on CNN and you write for their website which is getting better and better I've noticed their website well they certainly give you a lot of leeway to to go after Donald Trump if you want there's no issue about that they cover CNN which is interesting I like the idea of a website that reports in writing what appeared on television which is kind of interesting okay what I'm gonna do on this show to get some answers from you is I'm gonna be a Trump defender and a Bill Maher defender go right ahead and and I'll tell you why because I thought about this before you came in I'm ignorant right now I really am I've been depressed I've been having trouble concentrating I start reading things and my mind wanders I can't even watch I have MSNBC on my phone and to me that's like a cheat sheet I can't even focus watching Rachel I really yeah and I I'm going through the character you're playing which is really this is the truth oh okay this is the truth okay the past three weeks I fell hear this I fell off my high horse right and life got to me and I go through the motions of reading The New York Times and The Daily Coase and hitting everything but I'm sleep walking through my life right now not good not good no which makes me susceptible to Trump so I'm gonna I think the way I'm gonna do this show with you today is I'm gonna I'm stupid I'm brain dead I'm depressed I'm frightened I'm ignorant I kind of know what's going on but I don't I can't think of a better way to have you on the show than using you you are the profile of many Trump voters absolutely really not happy and things haven't worked out and they want someone to tell them who's fault it is that's not their own okay so I'm gonna play the devil's advocate you got it or the idiot's advocate Bill Maher Bill Maher Bill Maher hates all religion true he has been demonizing the Muslims but he also demonizes Christianity he has a documentary called Religulus he's gone through the Koran with Sam Harris and Ursan what's your name whatever Asra Naumani or Ayan Harsiyali and they say you can look at the Koran and it's a violent religion and there's a problem it's not Muslim extremists right Muslims by their very nature in the Koran and Muhammad right or it's a violent religion that's what Bill Maher says sure Sam Harris is having Sam Harris talk to you about Islam like having Mel Gibson talk about Judaism or I was on CNN with Sam Harris and he was punch me and I said Sam getting advice from you on Islam like getting advice from about Black Lives Matter from Paula Dean he got so upset he was like what on life with Don Lemon it was beautiful because he had no idea this is where I was going to go because because I told the booker it's not going to be pleasant he's not going to enjoy this so he got and he wrote a whole article I called up to his diary his blog but I called it Sam's diary attacking me and all this up and then the next week when Bill Maher said me by name on his show so it was not a coincidence it all connected part of thing together there are people who here's the bizarre thing I bet you said Bill Maher and I probably agree on certain things about Islam and I bet you me and Sam Harris agree on a few things and he said a few things on that show with Don Lemon Sam Harris and Don Lemon on CNN right and he goes well that seems pretty fair I go it's fair and we can talk about this stuff but the messenger matters and I said we can't play a game and say the messenger doesn't matter if Mel Gibson really came on the show and said I want to reform today and made it great points about what should be changed do you like but you're Mel Gibson you've got a history of demonizing Jews how how can we ever take you series on this show there's no different Sam Harris or Bill Maher when Sam Harris said Islam is the mother load of all bad ideas game over there's nothing more you're going to say to make me and he said so much more than that about in favor of practical things I can favor profiling of Muslims because of our religion and he goes well even I would be profiled because I look kind of it's a weird bullshit Bill Maher to me Bill Maher argues on Islam the same way Sean Hannity does on Islam finding the worst examples and trying to define an entire group the same way they will call Black not Bill but the people on the right Black Lives Matters a terrorist group because they'll find a few going oh kill the cops and they'll go that's Black Lives Matters they're a terrorist group Bill does the same thing Bill Maher does the same thing with us by saying here are some terrible Muslims he has almost no Muslims on anymore he used to have Res Aslan rule Jabril they're gone after they argued with him on air the ones he brings on now are ones who agree with him like Asra and Amani and he had freedom but they didn't get into the issue of Islam Fareed Sicaria yeah from CNN right so you say you have to judge the messenger and I think Bill would say isn't Muhammad the messenger what's the different messenger isn't he called the messenger he is a prophet in the view in the view of Islam he's a prophet so so is Jesus Christ so is Moses so is Abraham so is Noah they're all prophets so are there they called Surah chapters yeah where he talks about there there is a version of Quran that is it's cherry picked with no understanding can seem scary there are many verses in the Quran there are many things in the Old Testament New Testament mainstream Muslim scholars and clerics have also the same thing that the Quran is not supposed to be cherry picked it's supposed to be looked at in a historical context of when it was revealed to the Prophet Muhammad over a 20 year period revelations from I mean from Jesus from God were given to the Prophet Muhammad so in this context of war this specific war going on so if you find these infidels if you find them there you kill them that's the only time I'm supposed to apply every mainstream Muslim agrees that there's no but here's the reality we won't talk about in America and I will talk about it here and I've talked about it on my show ISIS and al-Qaeda are not killing people in the west because of that version of Quran they're not killing them because of any version of Quran they're killing them because of the west has killed Muslims American Muslims have committed terrorism have invoked the same thing when the Sairnaw brother the one who was in the boat dying and wrote a note which they will reveal later you've killed Muslims and this is our way back in Orlando the guy went there and shot horrific terrorist attack called up and said you're bombing Muslims this is all revenge now does the Quran play a role no because the Quran actually argues against his eye for an eye mentality every clerk I've had on my show every scholar I've talked to the same thing it's it's much more tribal you've killed my people and here's the reality we don't have a counter-narrative because we have killed Muslims America has slaughtered thousands of Muslims this week right so we right so we're killing them and but we don't have a counter-narrative to explain why we did it and try to make a sense of it to people so instead we go the haters for our freedoms or there's a scary version of Quran that's not when Nidal Hassan and Ford Hood terror attack again invoke the idea you're killing Muslims this doctor right the doctor and Ford and that was a terrorist attack that wasn't a workplace violence I don't know why the Obama administration for a short time said the guy was clearly radicalized online by Al-Aqawi the American cleric I went to Yemen and we just killed his daughter yes and they don't even talk about that no we don't and we just we just killed his eight-year-old daughter an American citizen in Yemen yeah nobody talks about that why not because did you no one cares did you talk about it I don't think I talked about it on my show but I've talked about this concept many times about the idea that I've talked to a mom whose son joined ISIS on my show he was a Christian convert to Islam I mean he was a Christian convert to Islam young guy in Canada I've talked to other guys who have dealt with guys in ISIS who have been in prison and talked to them the the scariest thing about ISIS no let me let me pull back here sure because it's going to be I want to I want to stay focused here there was a botched raid on Yemen yeah the first week Trump was in the White House like it was a full week right and he said let's go in and take out some al-Qaeda operatives even though the Obama administration recommended against it they ended up killing the eight-year-old daughter of an American citizen named Alawaki yeah we killed him killed his son and killed his son the media never brought up that an eight-year-old don't take a picture excuse me for one second there's a reflection when you do that it won't work how did you even see him how did you even see him sorry I I didn't mean to snap at you I'm sorry you're a dick I am a dick both of you you enjoy you know okay tell your story because this is important here and keep that in by the way because it reveals a side of me that the audience should know they think I'm this progressive liberal do you see the way I snapped at them but it was in a helpful tone the kind of a tone where when I leave he's going to beat the shitty that's the kind of that was like don't do I've told I didn't know what happened he spanked me that's a whole different I spank him I spank Alex that's I thought I thought you were going to say don't tell me it stopped working again that's what I thought when you said don't because he was leaning I thought he didn't have a camera in his hand I thought he was leaning to go I'm sorry I didn't work in and I thought you were going to say don't tell me it didn't work again because he's not the podcast that's why he takes pictures because he's in the control you're only doing this for two years together so I mean yeah give him a break he doesn't know about the reflection we don't report things because it's inconvenient it is inconvenient what did we report about that attack in Yemen once navy seal and one us plane destroyed right that's what we talked about some media and some innocent and some collateral damage some mentioned 14 people some mentioned 20 it got no play they're muslims that doesn't matter when we kill this week now it looks at maybe 100 to 200 muslims in Iraq if you don't think that leads to radicalization then you're playing a denial game that's dangerous this is why Bill Maher has no understanding of Islam what city did we phone in an air strike in Iraq over it was Mosul Mosul and how many Iraqis died it's hard to say SMS are between 100 and 200 in a building that we blew up and now the narrative that I'm hearing is they died a couple of days after the air strike that the building had been weakened and you're smiling that's the story has changed I heard I first heard a story it was Al Qaeda killed them then I heard a story okay maybe we bombed them but we really didn't kill them to now it almost seems like an admission from our military that because in the fog of war things happen but the real debate is have the rules of engagement changed and the military saying it's not but the New York Times on the front page the other day said well you had two essence missions that were kind of known and you've had a lot of collateral damage Donald Trump who said Islam hates us who wants to ban all Muslims as he said in the campaign does not think much of Muslims he has Muslim business partners I've written about them for the Daily Beast but I don't think he cares if you're killing Muslims I don't think he cares and I don't think he cares what the result is does Americans does Americans care for we is learning do do we does Americans care is we learning about the number of Muslims we kill the Trump people will say fake media fake media fake media and my hackles well how dare you how dare you but there is fake media we do not cover the number of Muslims who are killed each week by the American military I don't know how much we're killing now I mean these two stories came out I'm not sure what we're doing in Syria we have Marines on the ground doing things a drone strike in Afghanistan yeah we don't get much press on that stuff we don't know what's going we don't know what's being done in our name on a day-to-day basis we know broad strokes and most Americans probably don't even follow the broad strokes they find the broadest strokes oh we won I'm going to dress up like a fighter pilot land on an aircraft carrier like bush oh we we took Kandahar like during that time but you are following this stuff I try to as much as possible where do you keep track of the scorecard how do you score the number of Muslims we are killing I'm on the ISIS email list so they go here here's more for you Dean you have to find it in the media and I find the media sometimes you'll find it and it's reported in New York Times is a good job about Juan Cole Juan Cole sometimes I'll see his tweets or something I'm not on his email unless I should be and he's a nice guy he's been he retweeted some of my articles over the years when I see stuff I get posted on Facebook to me on Facebook I have an ordinal amount of Muslim friends I mean probably it's not by I don't prevent non-Muslims from becoming my friends I have plenty of friends who aren't but I have three different Facebook accounts and probably 70% are Muslim and they're from all over the world in this state so anything with Muslims being killed I see right it's on my feet right okay let me give some context here where were you born New Jersey what part of New Jersey Lodi I mean in a hospital in Patterson I was raised in Lodi and then we moved to Paramus we immigrated I'm from Anglewood oh you are yeah oh cool Paramus shopping mall sure we have many malls there yeah but the the premise in this morning I was there visiting my mom she lives in Paramus I was just there literally a couple hours ago I'm supposed to go see my mother in Anglewood in Anglewood yeah very nice yeah you were raised in is Paramus Bergen County yep it is of course so we're both from Bergen County you so I was raised in a madrasa are you Palestinian I'm my dad's Palestinian I am Palestinian heritage and I'm also Italian heritage you're Palestinian Sicilian and Sicilian yeah no joke there there's many but no though I don't I couldn't possibly make a joke about the reality is the Sicilian side tempers no the Palestinian side tempers the Sicilian side people get this idea Palestinians are like crazy blowing stuff up that's not Palestinians are actually differential quiet people Sicilians oh my god that's a danger right there so is it true that during the Intifada the first one that the rocks came from Sicily isn't Sicily just all rocked there's a lot of I've been in Sicily once there was a lot of rocks I don't think they came from there but that would make all the sense of the world on some level the Sicilian side of my family is allowed off the handle screaming people the Arab side quiet differential just get along my father said to me when I was a kid like don't argue with your mother he goes look you can get out I'm stuck here the rest of my life type of thing that was sort of his view on things because don't rock the boat my mother's attitude was like if you want something this world go get it you have to if you have to take it I don't care if you have to steal it Chris Christie is Sicilian he's part half Sicilian and half bacon grease half exactly I was trying to think of Krispy Kreme but we were thinking the same lines there I think he's half Irish half Irish half Sicilian and you know Jersey got a lot of battalions a lot of Sicilians of course so grow up in my North Jersey it wasn't a big deal I want to get that one mind if I do some line of questioning here for sure okay under oath I'm no longer I'm no longer a Trump stupid Trump I'm David Feldman okay good so we're both from Bergen County your dad is Palestinian and your mother is Sicilian do you mind if I ask you some personal questions sure I won't have to answer them all though okay did your father come to America after the is it called the catastrophe the Nakba the catastrophe and there's a word in Arabic for the creation of the state of Israel what they call it the Nakba he came here in 1957 1957 57 so he was born from Palestine from he was in Jordan at that time he was born in the early 1930s in what was Palestine it was called Palestine there was no Israel then it was at the time under British control was a British mandate of Palestine so he was just a Palestinian born there he in 1948 the war happens and then he leaves oh he stays and then what happens is in this war Jordan takes control of the West Bank where he is after the war is over there's no more Palestine it's gone there's Israel and Jordan takes some Egypt takes some so he's in the West Bank and so that's technically part of Jordan in a way of knowing they didn't take it sovereignty but you can go back and forth so he went to Jordan to go work in Jordan like many Palestinians that's why he came to America from Jordan directly okay these are the rules of engagement on the show good okay no facts no no facts free like this you're gonna get the last word you're gonna give your version of events here's why here's why because we did a show explaining the situation in the Middle East oh that must have been with three Jews Jordan didn't get a motion at all I'm sure well because it was three Jews explaining the Middle East how'd that go very successful if but what they do but Jews don't mean there's no monolithic Jew I mean there are Jews involved it's just monotheism right right there there are Jews who are far right and there are Jews involved in the boycott divestment sanctions movement I mean you've got that the full spectrum right absolutely in fact we only get the Likud parties version of events in the United States you can America is where you don't hear about the labor party and so but there's a historical context that we outlined and I gave the Jewish version of events I'm gonna get pushback from my listeners because I'm gonna let you get the last word sure so I'm gonna ask you questions if you don't mind of course about the founding of Israel one of the most popular episodes we ever did was comics explaining Israel the situation in the Middle East it blew us away and it changed the direction of the show for 2017 we had three Jewish comics explaining the Middle East you have three Palestinian comics I know I can get you two others I would be more than happy to so what I'm gonna do now and my Jewish listeners do not send me emails complaining that I didn't argue pushback or fight I'm gonna ask questions and you're gonna get the last word I have to take a decongestant right now so I can have the energy no my nose is dripping and um but okay I will here's the reality when I took what the Palestinians really conflict because there's so much emotion involved I tend to give facts objective facts as much as possible I will tell people when I'm giving opinion but I know that you do it with Scott and it's very sure it's very it's very helpful you became a lawyer and you practiced law and you're a Palestinian do you identify Palestinian sure I identify the beauty of this country is you can be something and American Palestinian American Italian American Muslim American all this stuff and do you pay close attention to what's going on in Gaza and the West Bank I do I have friends who play more attention I probably pay more than 98% of Americans do but there's others I mean my fiancé is Israeli I mean she's born in Haifa she's Palestinian a Muslim but she's born in Israel so wow I mean she's reading the Israeli every day I'm hearing Hebrew in our apartment she watches the Hebrew news and she speaks Hebrew oh Hebrew and Arabic she's an actress she was on TV in Israel and speaks Hebrew she just got back she's two episodes of Transparent here with Jeffrey Tambor she literally got in yesterday from doing that but she did stuff I saw the Israeli Palestinian version he just wears a burqa like that but no she performed over there for years I mean she went to Haifa University she was born and raised in Israel came to America when I kidnapped her of course I took her here again she was on Israeli Sesame Street she played an Arab character on Israel Sesame Street wow and she spoke in all in Hebrew in Israel all the characters are Oscar the Grouch everybody's like it's weird though she kidnapped Elmo that was kind of weird in the script made her kidnap Elmo and then rancid him off I'm like wow that was kind of but I'm all like wow I'm all lovely having a Palestinian playing so so no I've been there do they count to six million is that how it works we're going to have the six million figure so I see the conflict from a myriad different points yeah because the Palestinian point of view of my families in the West Bank is different than the Arab-Israeli point of view like my fiance okay so let me interrogate you go ahead right okay we're at a border I approve my pedigree I think I'm ready we're at a border crossing now where let's say the West Bank the West Bank okay okay been through them let me let me ask you some quick questions because I have a let me interrogate you please go ahead do it with an Israeli accent where have you been are you going what is happening this is going to be very edifying to the listeners so you're about to marry a Palestinian woman who's an Israeli citizen right well we've been engaged for years so I'm going to say we're not engaged for years and she's an actress any day we're going to get where we live together for years she's Palestinian and Muslim and Muslim and Muslim one fifth of Israel proper as I understand it if you exclude the West Bank Gaza and the Golan Heights one fifth of the population is Palestinian is Arabic right they're Arab Arab heritage Arab heritage they do not identify as Jews no they're not they're either Muslims or Christian okay by like Nazareth area I've been to it's very Christian that's in northern Israel okay you're soon to be wife an eventual ex-wife right is Israeli she speaks Hebrew okay perfectly with no accent she speaks it in Arabic her third language is English which she now speaks very well does she vote in the when she was home she may have but there's a whole debate there because her brother has a radio show in Israel he's kind of known and he's of the mindset don't vote don't get your complicit in this whole thing if you if you vote but at the same time he's friends with one of his cousin is Arab who's a member of the parliament over there a member of the Knesset and I actually interviewed him by email he didn't speak English well enough so there's two schools of thought in fact oddly enough the leader of the BDS movement from the Palestinian side what is BDS a boycott the vestment sanctions movement okay um is a Palestinian guy in the West Bank who tells Israeli Arabs you gotta vote okay let me interrogate you go ahead go ahead does she vote I think she had at some point but I'm not now they're coalitions so nobody would the Arab party's done pretty I wrote about they did pretty well in the last election there is an Arab party in the Israeli Knesset the parliament and what does that mean an Arab party there's a party that were and I'm not sure if anyone is Jewish is in it or not I am not positive right now but it was definitely a party that was I think its name is Ballad which means like town in Arabic but it was a party of Israeli Arabs then and most of them identify as Palestinian some might not you know but they're Arab are there members of the Knesset the Israeli parliament who are Arab sure of course yeah and they represent they represent their district wherever they're from I mean they represent just like in parliament they have their district so they represent arguably they would represent their district which is mostly predominantly Arab so we're sending them there right to represent their views and they Knesset as I understand it they the Arab Israelis are treated as second-class citizens in Israel it depends you talk to I think in a broad stroke that's the response you will get from them and but if you go there would you see no Arabs allowed not there have been some reports and Haritz which I read a lot the Israeli paper it's like the New York Times right of some extreme right wing like rabbi guys like way to the right putting things up no Arabs wanted on their stories and stuff like that that's the extreme that's not the typical experience you're gonna see there and you've been to Israel how many times or Palestine Trump in Israel twice and I've been to Palestine twice I call one I have a lot of questions I want to ask sure sure okay but I can tell you what the second class is about and how it really works on a practical level well well let me well go right ahead let me interrogate it's your interrogation okay I'm interrogating you did your fiance serve in the Israeli military no did her brother no heard she has two brothers neither did were they drafted no no they they don't have to if you're of Arab heritage you don't have to serve are there Arabs who serve in the Israeli military it's my understanding there are some who've chosen to serve yes they do choose to serve in the Israeli if you don't you don't have the same way the ultra orthodox I think were exempted from service they've changed that recently yeah how do you prove that you're an Arab or or a Palestinian and not an Israeli because you if you're Jewish you're not if you're Arab and Jewish I don't think that exception applies I think it's probably I don't know the definition of it it's a good question I don't know if it's by like if you're not Jewish you don't have to serve and that's where the line comes because there are Arab Jews and they and I'm sure they're serving who are because they you know they moved to Israel to be a part of Israel so but it's it's more the Arab Christians and Arab Muslims who are not serving because there are many I've met believe me if I were in Israel I'd figure out a way to to not serve can you be a can you be a Jew and just claim that you're an Arab no you can be ethnically you can be Arab and Jewish that's not an issue in our Arab in our I produced the New York Arab American Comedy Festival we've done 13 years my friend and me soon we've had many Jewish Arabs in our festival they're American they're they're Jewish and Arab my phone Noel Grobley from LA comes in every year there's been others too you can be Muslim is a religion you can be any race you can be white and black I mean Muslim the Arab is an ethnicity so you could be any religion be Buddhist I know Arab Buddhist I know Arab Muslims and Jews and Christians everything so that's different one of the problems with prejudice and bigotry is once you get to meet the other person who you've been raised to hate there are many things that happen one of them is you become friends you become fascinated right and then the your sister marries one or your brother marries one that's trouble and there's intermar... I mean that's the whole babies and there's the whole questions how do you raise them yeah and that's why there's little prejudice in Manhattan the island of Manhattan is the least prejudiced place in the world because we're all on top of each other and we hate everybody I... why should I hate you for being black when I hate you because you smell of garlic right and you're breathing getting in the subway like that fucking jerk like that right exactly I don't hate you because you're black I hate you I don't like the way you smell it's very specific in New York yeah I like our bigotry you have to earn it it's not like a broad stroke and there is bigotry in New York because we all know but I agree with you so your point is Jews and Arabs don't meet each other well they do but they do in Israel they do in Haifa where Hen lives my fiance's name is Hen H-E-N-D on her floor in the building their apartment building they're in there are Jews and Arabs living in this building together they get along they get along fine their buddy's growing up it's not a big deal but when there's a wall well that's between the West Bank and right now there are within Israel there are pockets of Arabs who are like slums like in Lid and and Nazareth not so Nazareth is almost all Arab it's Arab Christian it's pretty it's somewhat flourishing they're doing okay when you talk to Israeli Arabs or Palestinians in Israel they'll tell you that they feel like they have less opportunity what the discrimination is subtle because Arabs don't serve in the military and my my fiance's actually working on one person's show which hopefully be ready soon frankly about being in Israeli Arab which is a unique experience the discrimination is much more subtle they'll say like she has in her show and it's a true story she went to work at a restaurant and they go we only hire military service and what it does they know that means Arabs don't serve in the military that's their way of discriminating around that's actually for the ads in the newspaper wow military service required to be a waitress and she goes why she went to them and she didn't understand it she goes well I'm not going to serve in the military it's great you can hire me you don't have to lose me because part of it was the idea like if you you get the job before you do your service just leave us but the way of doing the discrimination against the Arabs saying taking military service for jobs which didn't matter it wasn't like you're doing something in national security that's where it comes in like her brother that's really interesting it's subtle it's it's no different than laws on their face are neutral it's application right that changes things there are Israeli Arabs who are doing great there who love being in Israel there are some who are very upset and feel like they've been screwed their whole life and some have committed terrorist attacks we've seen that within Israel it's horrible is that the fifth column is what they some people will call on that yes some would say that that's certainly a broad stroke view of of 20 percent of the country who are most of them just living their lives one fifth of the country is the fifth column it would be a lot that would be a lot if that was really going if it was that let me ask you about let me continue this line of questioning sure as I understand it the 20 the 20 percent of the Arabs who live in let's say Israel proper they while they relate to the people living in Gaza and the West Bank this is from what I understand sure they are terrified of the people living in the West Bank in Gaza because if this is I'm just repeating what you were told by Net Yahu sent you an email about this the you're saying the Israeli Arab I will tell you this the Israeli Arabs I've spoken to have no interest in living in the West Bank or Gaza I can tell you that I think the people who live in Gaza have no interest in living in Gaza right and that's a different story but the for people like Hend my fiancee and her brother who's a lawyer a smart guy for them the idea of a two state solution means makes no sense to them one state where everyone lives together the way they do in Haifa because I was the example we live in Haifa everyone lives here we're all getting along they're Jews and Muslims owning businesses together it's fine it's your democracy one person one vote type of thing now that undermines having a Jewish state and their goal is not destruction the Jewish state because Jalal who if he comes back to New York I'll try to get him to come here you'd like him a lot he was on my show cause a lot of anchor from people on the even on the left who were Jewish by him he just speaks openly about his own experience he does not even put it in opinion because this is what happens to me and they get upset because there's some people don't want to hear about about what goes on in Israel like just like some Americans don't want to hear about us killing people in other places I'm not equating it to them saying the idea you want to have this vision of what the U.S. military is doing you want this vision of what Israel is doing and when things go up against it either you're going to have cognitive dissonance and just ignore it or you're going to be troubled by it and it's going to give you aljana let me as I I do a radio show with Ralph Nader I heard this is cool I like a big admire I love Ralph Nader the only thing we disagree on is Israel right and he is I mean this this is not a joke Ralph Nader to me is God wow and I'm not joking around that's not hyperbole but you really like this guy I get I have said on this show and it's unfair to put Ralph Nader on that pedestal but I do believe that if you do what Ralph says to do you will live the perfect life wow and I grew up where my parents said ask Ralph we they didn't know him but they would he would fill out their ballots for you that's a fact you would get ballots in the mail from Ralph Nader telling you how to vote and my father said to me that's your hero and I went who is he and he said you better find out because that's your hero it's remarkable well it is but it's true I'm not doubting it but I'm saying it's remarkable I have never heard this type of well it's true and because Ralph believes that government is our temple that if you have issues democracy take it to the state legislature take it to the city council that is the only way we can all live together and religion essentially is a set of rules that's that's what the Old Testament is that's what the Talmud is they are instructions on how to live and those instructions are in my case since I'm Jewish they're you know 3,500 years old they don't I'm sure a twitter and uber stuff like that who knows how to deal with any of that so we have to kind of vote right and use democracy as a way to establish a set of principles and laws on how we treat one another so everything Ralph preaches is correct and true and righteous except well he's very critical of Israel and my generation probably either has to change or die off because I've got the Holocaust on my mind and my kids don't and they're very critical they're Jewish they've been bar mitzvah they're very critical of Israel they agree with Ralph American Jews who are millennials have a lot of questions about Israel and they don't see it through the prism of the Holocaust that's interesting and I'm so that's my perspective right the one state solution to me is so out of the question but as I'm hearing you I'm thinking well maybe with enough time I don't know to me I'm in favor of two states I've been in favor of a for a long time for two states I don't know if two states can happen as a practical matter maybe it has to be something like a federation type of thing or something where all right help my listeners that because you're speaking in a shorthand right and I'm speaking in a shorthand and the value of a podcast is we don't have to talk in shorthand right we can really explain this to people and they want it and that and podcasting is different from serious access certainly yes there's we have we can breathe here there is Israel 20 percent of Israel is Arab right and their citizens and then there are the West Bank Gaza Strip and the Golan Heights right a two state solution which is what the Oslo Accords like 96 93 pretty sure why don't we say we're both semites make it 95 right we'll split the difference 94 and a half that's what I'm going to give you Feldman could be 96 for some reason 93 jumped in my head I'm not sure when in any event Carter in the 90s not Carter Bill Clinton president right we know Bill Clinton who's president Clinton who's saying from Jordan right Arafat and Shamir and Perez yeah I think on the White House lawn shaking hands that's when the Palestinians were given the authority over the occupied territories yes and in exchange the Palestinians in their covenant are supposed to renounce the idea of destroying Israel except Israel as a state and that they were going to contemplate that and they divide up the West Bank the three sections A, B, and C where the Palestinians have autonomy over A joint autonomy with Israel over B and Israel keeps C area but it was envisioned then that ultimately the West Bank in mass parts for a few things would become and the Gaza would become a Palestinian state I don't know if Golan Heights was involved probably not at all but I want my listeners to see the geography before we go to the next step because we have time here right so I want to do this this is important and you can't do this on live television no and you can't do it on the radio and you can't do it on satellite radio you can only do it on a podcast so I'm going to I'm going to stay with you on this sure the geography the West Bank is to the east of Israel and to the west of Jordan Gaza is to the south of Israel to the north of Egypt and the Gaza Strip belonged at one time to Egypt the West Bank at one time until 1967 that war the West Bank belonged to Jordan and was taken by the Israelis right before and before 48 the West Bank was just part of the Palestinian mandate that the British had the mandate it was just called Palestine you know it was the British mandate of Palestine so when the war broke out in 1948 Jordan as I understand invaded I think a bunch of Arab countries are four or five and they took the West Bank for themselves they did the war I mean the war happened and then there was some kind of armistice and how it played out internally I have no idea they go we get that but Israel got their land they go okay this is our country now and Jordan's like we're going to keep this and I guess so they kept the West Bank and there were about two million Palestinians who became Jordanian I'm not sure of the number the number could have been that high because at the time of this creation of Israel there was 1.3 million Palestinians and 600,000 Israelis or Jews who were wanted to be Israelis so it couldn't have been that mum that number at 48 but it was a lot okay so so what the Oslo Accords that Clinton had negotiated said Yasser Arafat who was head of the PLO would now be in charge of something called the Palestinian Authority which was their government that was set up in the West Bank and it was the first time that the Palestinians would be self-governing or begin to have a taste that's condescending but a taste of governing themselves I would have to think that's fair to say because under the mandate of before when the British had as a mandate I'm not sure what kind of self-governing they allowed like on a local level and before the British took it it was under the Ottoman Empire's control for a long period of time and I have no idea how much self-control to understand the time the chronology it wasn't until the mid to late 90s that Yasser Arafat and the Palestinians were holding elections were policing themselves definitely that's it was the Israelis who were policing the Palestinians after the Oslo Accords the Palestinians had to collect the garbage they had a right they did taxing they did everything they had a government they had a government right they had a government that was kind of overseen by the Israelis it was it was like a colony right is that a fair state statement it's hard for me to say on the ground what was going on there I have no idea to be honest if it was like they truly had autonomy the way it was contemplated in Oslo in certain areas or if it was always with the oversight of the Israeli military I don't I just don't know the answer right but they had elections yeah and there was like a Palestinian parliament and there were parties parties you see right a political party they've been like fun parties and fun parties it was probably fun parties yet there were political parties in my understanding I can't remember then and the way and the geography was the insanity of it was because there was a diaspora of Palestinians you had two non-contiguous t