So tonight we're going to talk about the surprising red flag every woman misses when dating. And let's just jump into it right now. What is this surprising red flag? Well I think that it's off the charts chemistry when you meet someone. I'm talking about off the charts chemistry is actually a red flag. Okay. And we're going to get into the reason why and we're going to also share an additional red flag that you must pay attention to in the early stage of dating or you could find yourself in a lot of trouble. So let's talk about this off the charts chemistry. See I think most people have been indoctrinated into believing that off the charts chemistry equals wait equals equal sign well just equal sign relationship success. In other words if two people have amazing chemistry that just must mean that they are meant to be together.  If you've experienced that raise your hand and say yes I have had that happen. So if you've had that happen you should know that that is a red flag. Now what does red flag mean? Red flag doesn't mean deal breaker. That's not what a red flag means. A red flag means ask more questions. It's simply ask questions. That's what a red flag is okay. It doesn't mean the same as a deal breaker.  That's a deal breaker. If you notice someone gave maybe a tip to a waiter that was slightly less than you give you might say that's a red flag and what that means is you might want to find out why that occurred. Now you probably wouldn't do that but maybe there was a really good reason for it. So instead of quickly turning that into a deal breaker we call those red flags and red flags simply means ask more questions. So why is chemistry off the charts chemistry a red flag? If you're not familiar with my chart called the relationship iceberg and please forgive the glare okay above the waterline of this iceberg is attraction and you can see chemistry and if it's off the charts chemistry it looks gigantic above the waterline. See a healthy relationship is built on shared values shared vision blendable lifestyles and most importantly emotional maturity. So what that means is if you find yourself in a dynamic with someone you've met them for the first time and you just feel this amazing affinity oh my god we are soul mates we're twin flames. Most likely what you're experiencing is something called lust or limerence.  This means extreme infatuation and what's interesting is people can experience limerence before they ever meet someone I am I witnessed this on Instagram over and over again where people become infatuated with other people purely based on their photographs and within that infatuation that extreme interest it's not based on reality. See the reality is it takes time to get to know someone it takes time to determine if you share the same values it takes time to determine if you share the same vision in life it takes time to see if your lifestyles are blendable and it takes time to determine their emotional maturity. You see here's the thing the other red flag you have to address and I think of it not so much like a red flag I'm going to call it a red flag but I'm going to say this is anyone familiar with geometry in geometry the first equation that's given is excuse me is the first equation is called a given a given. So what is the given in the dating mating and relating realm for those of us that are in the over 40 category those are in their 40s 50s 60s and even 70s what is the primary given thing you should know other than men want to have sex on the first date okay we call that a given raise your hand if you're completely aware that most men if not all men will have sex with the total stranger if given the opportunity that's a given. See the other given and why this is wrapped into a red flag I put a heart there but why this is wrapped into a red flag is the given that most men if not many many many many men in the dating marketplace and by the way also many many many many women are emotionally broken emotionally broken. See we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality and if you're not familiar with my chart on emotional maturity and relationship skills again please forgive the glare this is not a fact this is merely an opinion I would say 20% of the population has clinical issues now I'm making up this number okay so don't hold me to it but I think they have clinical issues and while I say 20% of the population is emotionally healthy and has good relationship skills I'm being generous I'm being generous the vast majority of people are dysfunctional so if we know that 80% 8 out of 10 men and women that are meeting in the dating marketplace have issues that it's important to learn discernment before you ever give your heart to someone what is discernment discernment is really what something I by the way here's a link to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you what I teach in my private coaching by the way there's a link below to do that as well what I've observed is most humans don't have a clear understanding of first who's compatible with them in the dating mating relating marketplace most people everybody goes well I know what I want I know what I want I know what I want every client that works with me all say the same thing Jonathan I know what I want then they go through this proprietary coaching program I created and can you guess what they say every single time why didn't my parents teach me this why didn't I learn this in school why didn't I learn this before I married the knucklehead see lack of understanding of who is compatible with you coming back to compatibility is a really it's a challenging thing because most people have been indoctrinated to believe that chemistry equals relationship success discernment is part of the vetting process see what I teach is tools I just spit up on my camera tools to vet so discernment is really being in alignment with your standards being so aligned with your standards that you know when something is off particularly particularly in the area of emotional maturity and since we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality it is imperative it's a moral imperative to be it's not a moral imperative it's an individual imperative to really be discerning to an intuition is part of this process as well when you get so aligned with your your standards that remember I said earlier a red flag means ask more questions well what's a boundary boundary is what's okay or what's not okay for you so when you are so aligned in your standards your intuition your discernment repels the wrong people and attracts the right people so so I really want to get clarity from clarify something for everyone most everybody today find themselves in the dating marketplace either in a hookup a friends with benefits a situation ship or a casual relationship that's where probably 80 90 percent of people find themselves hookups friends with benefits situations ships are casual relationships it's a very small percentage of people that are actually what I call growers and builders and if you're not familiar with this chart these are the three types of people actively dating again this is not a fact it's merely an opinion I call them users spenders and grower builders users of those people that are love bombers their players they're in it for the short run these are the entitled women those selfish women that's what a user is and a grower builder which is over here those are people that seek a long-term commitment they are emotionally grown up they have good relationship skills but the vast majority everybody this 60 percent are called spenders now spenders they want companionship they want connection they want sex but they're not ready or capable of commitment now except for this group of spenders right here they're just on the verge when they meet the right woman they'll shift into grower builder but I got to tell you something you're with guys over here thinking that they're right over here you're with guys over here thinking they're right over here because you're not asking see what is a red flag ask better questions one of the things I teach in my private coaching is called radical honesty pre-qualifying your prospect see something I observe by the way I have a confession for everyone I have joined up on bumble and hinge dating apps I'm gonna own it as you know as and I do it listen this is bumble okay this is bumble here's my profile by the way there's my profile how do I look by the way my profile says swipe right if personal development spiritual practice are important to you including plant-based journeys to explore deeper consciousness it also says a non-negotiable must have a connection to source and spirit and a true desire for personal development work basically to grow emotionally as a person and as a couple I go on to say I think there's something else I have here too um oh in my bio I've been on a deep exploration these past five years after my son passed away to find out who I really am beyond fear and ego a journey of self-love seeking marriage-minded woman who wants to explore the depths of love so okay so why am I bringing this up folks I said I know I said earlier I'm going to manifest someone whether it's bumble hinge or some app it's a spoke in the wheel it's merely a spoke in the wheel that's all you're just putting out I'm putting out to the universe now what I did and I'm going off topic here but I'm pointing this out is what I did is I paid extra to just see who actually swiped me see the danger with dating apps is you get addicted to the swiping you can swipe swipe and that becomes like the hamster in the palette so I'm making a strong conscious effort not to get in addicted to the swiping and merely only communicate with someone who's already communicated with me so I invite you to do the same I get lots of swipes you get lots of swipes so rather than swiping and getting caught in that um that hamster wheel only focus on people that have already expressed interest on you now I know that other dating coaches will tell you not to do that but if you're in a space of manifesting if you're in a space of manifesting it's a different energy and while I said I would be I didn't say I wouldn't do dating apps I just say I'm going to do every spoke in the wheel go out in public go to workshops connect with friends ask friends who they know and dating apps is just a spoke in the wheel okay because I realized today for those of us that work from home it's not like someone's going to be not actually someone did knock on my door today but it's not like someone's going to be knocking on your door asking you out on the date on a date so you have to put every opportunity to be seen by single eligible people now here's the thing coming back to red flags why I'm drawing attention to this there I hosted a workshop with some men this weekend really great man one of them was right at the verge of he was a he was a serial monogamous and he met the one and he got when I said the one but he met someone at age 60 and got married two years later I went to their wedding great guy he was probably on the verge of a spender grower builder there are a lot of men in that category okay there are a lot of men in that category but we have to recognize that we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality so let's just start with a given that men and women are rather you know when I say the word dysfunctional I want to be clear about something I'm not talking about bad people you know I'm not talking about people that intentionally want to hurt someone I'm talking about people that have unresolved childhood wounds and adult traumas unresolved childhood wounds and adult traumas and they don't have to be gigantic traumas from childhood they could be micro traumas that cause them to have negative patterns and limiting beliefs in their life it's one of the reasons why I wrote my book what the heck a self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work there's a link below to get a copy of my book but I also always recommend the Hoffman process this is a deep dive to healing childhood wounds and and your relationship with your parents so you become you have a greater love cup to actually lean into a healthy happy relationship with someone I'm here to say roughly about 90 plus percent of the population probably is wounded to some degree and they need some support they need some help and here's the thing divorced people tend to be now that's an adult trauma that many people in midlife don't heal so for those of us in midlife actively dating we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality so hence the red flag we have to take it as a given that there are a lot of hurt people out there and this is why discernment is so critically important and why so many women miss this well Jonathan all the other dating coaches tell me to just sit back in my feminine energy and let a guy claim me let men lead that's what men are supposed to do men are hunters they're providers they're protectors they're supposed to take the lead ladies first off you are in charge of your relationship destiny do not give that to anybody outside of yourself number one number two most guys are winging it they're winging it they really are bad at this process doesn't mean that they're bad men but they're winging it so you have to be in charge of your relationship destiny don't give that up to a guy so I know all these and by the way when you give it up to a guy you have the potential of giving your power away and sadly if you sleep with someone too quickly you might bond with a person who is completely not right for you so I'm yelling at the top of my lungs just like I'm here to like I'm screaming at the back of the room the reason being is we have this fantasy that chemistry equals relationship success and let me just say this well chemistry is so valuably important in a relationship shared values shared vision blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity are equally if not greater importance than chemistry alone is this sinking in is this resonating please let me know in fact if it is please post a comment below I'd like to hear your thoughts fact if you did find out in this video please hit that like button please share this video please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well and if you want to follow me check out all the links to a discovery call with me to join my group called midlife love mastery follow me on instagram and get all the books I recommend in the links below all right those who know my format it's time for q and a if you have a question write the word question then post the question thereafter or you can purchase a super sticker super chat there's a little dollar sign in the chat box all the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley that's salty right there he passed away over five years ago in his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman process and insight institute just to name a few and again there's a little dollar sign the chat box and if you're watching the replay you can hit that super thanks as well all right if you have a question write the word question then post there or if you want to join the hot seat I just put a link in the in the chat box you can join me live and we can chat live here Lisa wants to know what is the red flag Jonathan I missed it let me be clear the red flag is simply extreme chemistry warning warning warning that's the red flag extreme chemistry okay cat wants to know what is a situation ship great question so the way I define a situation is two people who are engaged in spending time together most likely having physical intimacy but there is absolutely no clear understanding of monogamy no clear understanding of exclusivity and no clear understanding of commitment it is vague at best but you're you're engaging and getting to know someone and most likely physically intimate with them that is what's known as a situation ship okay all right let's keep going here Sharon says love this advice right along with the healthy things I'm learning in other places thank you Lisa wants to say preach it Jonathan I appreciate that um someone Pamela says you wait you forgot to show and teach the younger ones nowadays too yes I speak to an older group because we tend to be more emotionally wounded than the younger generation Kathy wants to let me know that she's working on abandonment and rejection wounds um good for you I'm happy to hear that uh does anyone say they want to meet you in person on your channel uh yes true Morris I have had some people show interest the challenge with that is they know me and I know nothing about them and I don't to the extent I I have no interest in meeting a total stranger without some you know understanding of who they are where do they live a bit of their background what they look like so yes I do have a lot of faceless people expressing interest in wanting to meet me it's just they know me but I don't know them and it's not fair to me to so to that extent maybe I should just host a big gigantic workshop and maybe do a bachelor auction while I'm doing that thank you uh let's keep going here if you have a question write the word question Lisa says I get very few replies to my match my messages on match but as a free member I can only send three messages a day let me tell you something now that I've gone back to the dating apps it saddens me how absolutely pathetic 98 of the profiles pathetic the photographs are crappy they're weak they're out of focus men and women alike the profiles written are make me want to vomit so garbage in is garbage out so if you're a woman that's not getting the results maybe it's time to put together a quality stellar amazing like this is gonna wipe sweep the guy off his feet kind of profile but you know what most of you are just delusional you just think mediocre is absolute you actually many of you operate mediocre is wonderful if they can't accept my mediocre approach to this process if they can't love me for this mediocre fucking pathetic process I put together then they're not worthy of me I mean literally many of you have that kind of attitude I'm serious you guys are so humans human beings are so fucking delusional they think they're different they think they're the unicorn everybody thinks they're special everybody thinks they're special I don't think that way I just think I'm just human trying to do the best I can so okay I went on a rant thank you Carla is in the house let's see what she has to say all right Carla can you hear me Jonathan I can hear you perfect oh wait oh wait turn down the volume because yeah sorry about that never done this before okay you hear me better oh I still hear me oh maybe it's the connection well first I wanted to thank you for all your content that what you do I really appreciate I also love your passion so go on I don't mind when you curse when I'm Latina so I really appreciate it okay well thank you do you have a question for me yes I want to share a dating experience that went awry a couple of weeks ago I'm gonna try to be not to take too long uh so about two weeks ago please be succinct yes that's what I'm trying to be I want to be I don't hear the back talk okay okay perfect okay two weeks ago I meet this man he asked me if I was single I said yes uh two days later we go on a dinner date uh long story short the man that seemed very confident and eloquent kind of got like you say a case of duct tape in his mouth and apparently he was very tongue tied part of it was a language issue English is not my first language either but he clearly there was a clear language communication one of the things there were two red flags about him first when I asked him if he was divorced for how long his divorce was not finalized the second thing the one I really want to dig deep with you is when he picks me up that could have been a mistake I made maybe agreed on meeting but anyway the miss the thing that happened was at the beginning of did you say fix me up that he picked me up from my house to go to the dinner okay what happened was at the beginning of the date he gives me this really expensive gift expensive I mean over a hundred dollars yeah and um I really wrestled with it I really took account what you say of being kind and if you're speak from the heart and your kind you cannot say the wrong thing but I just could not accept the gift I just met this man okay and I've been really wrestling with it um he's from actually similar cultural background like you he's Middle Eastern and I understand please I'm actually I'm actually Mediterranean he is Middle Eastern he's from North Africa I understand that in the middle but I just wanted to say I'm Mediterranean you're Turkish the same right yeah the thing is I understand that from his cultural background it is accustomed to give lavish gifts I just could not accept that I felt really uncomfortable and I know it was my issue and I really tried to be kind but I just know I couldn't accept that and I know it said things things went downhill from there so what's your question my question was how can I handle this in future situations should I just accept it the gift that's a question I'm wrestling um okay I'm gonna put you on mute now for everyone to hear me you know I I understand well thank you for sharing by the way and I understand your reluctance to accept right it doesn't feel appropriate for the amount of time the two of you have connected so I understand that um I highly doubt this is going to happen to you again on a first date that you're going to have a man walk up with a hundred dollar gift so I think this is really more has to do with you reconciling this experience versus you know approaching this in the future although I could be wrong but I highly doubt it's going to happen again so again it appears to me that you operated from a place of kindness in the way you approached him is that right you operated from a place of kindness um and and you didn't accept the gift correct okay so you didn't accept the gift um how did he react when you didn't accept it accept it he did not take it well uh he was he was trying to approach me he did try somewhat to flirt with me in a very awkward way but then at the end of the night when I kind of wanted to check in and like hey thank you we had a good time he did send me and this was kind of he kind of left me like I don't know why do you didn't accept my gift and then again I remember to be kind and told him look I am not saying completely no I used to what Matthew Hasse would say of like this is for a future me this is for some for somebody two months down the road I'm just want you to hold it and hey further down the line I would this would then how did he react he was like okay but I since he was not happy how is he reactive we did had a we had a follow-up date okay which I was hopeful that things would be better that he would open up a little bit more okay uh but again I felt like I was carrying the conversation well that's different than yeah I have to put on this is gonna be hard it do you have something else going on in the background the video itself okay all right so all right I need okay I have questions so just answer these questions a um you had a follow-up date again he sound he seemed impatient is that right okay a little bit impatient so just tell me forget all that happened how do you feel about him um I wanted the second date went a little bit better okay how I felt no stop I gotta put on mute because I you know I hear the background so I want you to tell me right now as of today how do you feel about this man well we decided to cut off things last week so I'm gonna cut you off again okay I just asked you a question you start telling me a story how do you feel about him think of a feeling word like happy sad joyful angry piss what feeling do you have for him well uncomfortable then okay okay all right put you on mute again okay so you feel uncomfortable he's not your guy so it's just just be grateful for the experience okay you got a chance to interact with another human being it doesn't feel right the way he reacted was a little bit disingenuous he got you know it speaks volume the way it doesn't sound like he got angry at you that you didn't accept it but he was slightly inappropriate by offering such a lavage gift you didn't accept it he got a bit you know frustrated with you possibly he had an ulterior motive by giving the gift maybe he wanted to get physical rewards for the gift it's hard to tell based on what you said but in this particular case you handled it well but the fact that you feel uncomfortable feel uneasy that's not a good sign okay so what I always say what Matthew Hussie would say is next next next I am muted I am muted thank you for that Jonathan I just this was something I've been wrestling for a while I really appreciate you giving him in this space well you're very welcome well I'm gonna put you on mute but I'm gonna give you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug okay thanks Carla okay all right well we had a really great question from Carla um it's rare that you're going to have a guy give an expensive gift on a first date that's that's kind of the exception not the rule okay um but with that said I don't believe um it's appropriate uh to give a lavage gift for someone you've just met you barely know the way she handled it she was kind she said she felt uncomfortable those were very um you know appropriate things to say what I was trying to get to her out of her though and remember how she wanted to give me a little bit of the story folks I think it's really important you ladies learn this you guys are supposed to be all about your feelings but I can't tell you how often I have conversations with women and say I'll ask them tell me how you feel and you'll go wah wah wah wah wah it's like this whole story what did when I really got to the root how did she feel she felt uncomfortable she felt uneasy she felt uncertain those are not good signs now could she go out and see him again possibly but I think it started off probably I mean there's still probably uh Carla um there's still potential hope I'm not suggesting you don't see him but just remember if it's feeling off twice it's probably not going to turn around and let something shifts that's just my perception on this one anyway so once again thank yous for jumping in and answer or offering that question Laura's in the house when are you going to do a recap on the golden bachelor okay uh oh yeah I was supposed to do that yesterday so um so last week it looks like it's come down to uh Leslie Faith and Teresa okay Leslie Faith and Teresa on the golden bachelor really quickly um it he said I love you to Leslie and Faith and he did say to Teresa on the ferris wheel I'm in love with you so my suspicion is either Faith or Leslie or it's going to be booted on Thursday it's going to come down to Teresa and Leslie and I think even though I was kind of rooting for Leslie I think he's going to pick Teresa because he said I'm in love with you and in love is like I love a lot of people I say I love you to every lot of people but I rarely say I'm in love you with I'm in love with you and that's my pick uh everyone I am picking Teresa as the winner of the golden bachelor or the one he's going to offer or maybe offer uh an um a um a ring by the way I want to thank Kara Kara for the $2 super sticker our goal is $50 tonight so we have only 48 more dollars to go and Alice just jumped in with a $10 super sticker so that means we have $38 more to go let's get $50 for the Connor Asley scholarship fund thank you so much um Jane says golden bachelor seems confused too many ladies does he not like being a playboy he was crying that's just television that's just television uh spots and me says those bachelor shows are crazy how can someone fall in love with anyone so quickly oh my god I know people that fall in love on the first date how many guys go oh my god you're the most amazing person on the planet I can see us getting married you're so wonderful let's sleep together and then they bolt uh um yes it is chemistry is an elusive crazy thing not elude well it's not elusive it is elusive but it can be a crazy thing too Kara says I met a man on an app who told me we don't have enough in common to match so he wasn't interested then he said I could call him anytime I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and I don't see what the question is folks um if you're gonna write a question write the question so I know what it is by the way if you want to join the hot seat just like Carla did click that link to join the hot seat and Kerry I I don't know what the question is but my suspicion was he didn't think you were a fit but you're a perfect fit for somebody to to um to occupy his loneliness the reason why he said call you anytime is he wanted you to occupy his loneliness that is my suspicion in this particular case is that you want he wanted you to occupy his loneliness um Penelope says you are correct I fell in love with my now dead husband but fat he fell in love with me mature kind brilliant excellent I grew to adore him I had patience with me where to go um oh John row is in the house it's good to get a guy in the house and thank you for the $10 super sticker that means we are only $28 away from our goal of $50 tonight $50 tonight question not to throw Carla under the bus a lot of us avoidance a lot of us are avoidant of answering questions directly why is it so far hard for us to give direct responses to questions like the one you asked Carla um so most humans are are really poor communicators I'm going to say most humans are poor communicators in addition most humans aren't very present in communication okay particularly when it comes to romantic relationships so there's two books I want so let me just be clear most humans aren't present they're not actively listening okay they are in their head they are processing they're either in the past or in the future they're not present okay this is one of the reasons why communication could be so fucking frustrating particularly um for us men and I'm being I'm being a little tongue in cheek here okay women have a propensity to say in 10,000 words when we only have a capacity or when when we what we would say in 10 words or less okay and I'm being a little tongue in cheek about the differences between men and women women want to tell you a story and a story and a story and a story we're like what's the question spend the next hour telling us the story but the only way we can track the story is if you start with where you're going to begin with it's easier for us to navigate the story okay so I said earlier John um or is it John right um John being present number one number two understanding communicate really communicating from a place of your feelings instead of your logic so I highly recommend getting the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg and I hear you by Michael Sorenson the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships every human every every couple where the penis is going inside the vagina on a regular basis should be reading these two books and be proficient at communication remember when I said earlier emotional maturity relationship skills 80% of people are clinical or dysfunctional with their relationship skills very few humans are really good at articulating their feelings in such a way that can be seen heard and understood most humans don't understand active listening most humans are so caught up in what they want to say so I'm going to tell you as a man dating it's frustrating you women a lot of you women are just talking at me and this is what I hear what what what what what that's all you you just talking at people I know now I'm talking at the camera so this isn't a dialogue when I'm in dialogue with someone I have a conversation with them not at them and most humans have really poor communication skills and they're so caught up in the mundane things in the in the in the you know I'm going to pull up a meme everybody knows I I talk about this meme I hate small talk I want to talk about Adam's death alien sex magic intellect the meaning of life far away galaxies music that makes you feel different memories the lies you've told your flaws your favorite scent your childhood what keeps you up at night your insecurity and fears I like people with depth who speak with emotion from a twisted mind I don't want to know what's up most humans are so wrapped up into talking about themselves or how's your day going did you have a good day I hope you had a good day thinking of you today oh I'm thinking of you most human beings don't know how to actually truly converse with one another so coming this is my rant John so a thank you for sharing that I appreciate the $10 and again to Carla's credit um you're she's human we're all human and by the way I'm guilty of getting defensive I'm guilty of being critical I'm guilty of being you know righteous I'm guilty of stonewalling I'm guilty of all the things that make humans poor at this shit but at the same time I'm working on my stuff so thank you and Susan says I love I absolutely love your direct thinking I appreciate that um okay so what else do we have true morris says being authentic and vulnerable if you do that it is so nice to meet people you that get you exactly um let's keep going here spots in me says oops even though I prefer texting and not talking on the phone introvert I do prefer talking with someone person especially if that person is of interest let me just tell you I recently had a person absolutely misunderstand my text messages I mean and and it's very common for people I think when when somebody doesn't say what they you expect them to say they can make up a story I think text messaging is the weakest form of communication it inherently creates problems it inherently creates problems and um and I think it's the weakest form of basic communication text message should be like just I got a text from a client Jonathan do you have a minute thanks a lot in advance um and I don't have a minute so um you know that's just text messaging that's what text message is for not for communication okay it's for checking in oh Denise John Rowe I listen to Dr. Laura and it drives her and me crazy how people don't answer questions or don't respond to her advice I used to love listening to Dr. Laura and I felt exactly the same way oh my god it just would make me laugh how many people would just ramble on so yes I agree with that Penelope says you are funny a twisted mind I appreciate you yes that is me uh let's see what else we have here if you have a question write the word question Wanda has a question why do you dream about getting back together wait why do you why do you dream about getting back together with an X and it's great it's is it normal to wonder if you should give them a second chance okay this is why do humans dream of getting back together with an X I thought that was directed towards me you know the minute you make an investment in a relationship you have quite a bit of sunk cost you know you have a lot of investment in someone and it's hard to let go of that number one number two you might have an attachment to the other person you might have what's known as love attachment with that person if you're not familiar with the work of Amir Levine Rachel Heller highly recommend checking out this book you might find yourself being attached to that person you might find yourself bonded that person through oxytocin okay oxytocin is a chemical release from your brain that bonds you to another person particularly after physical intimacy or physical connection so that could be one of the reasons why you could have what's known as the amago you might be attached to this person from an unhealthy perspective trying to resolve a trauma or wound you had with one or both of your parents or caretakers in your life that's another reason see most humans aren't very strong willed you know we you know it's sad but I'm going to I'm going to share a story and I'm going to butcher it a little bit but this is the way I heard it a child who was physically abused physically abused will become so familiar with physical abuse physical abuse that if they were ever in a healthy relationship with someone it feels so foreign so they choose people that physically abuse them because that's what they believe love is okay I it's it's I am not an expert from the behavioral perspective of this I'm just aware that it exists we humans oftentimes do things in contra contradictory contrary contrary to our own best interest so that's the why the question is what are you going to do about it that's the real question what are you going to do about it all right um Jennifer's in the house dreaming of an ex could mean unfinished business or even a past life attachment you met in a past life I believe in that stuff yes I do believe there could be a karmic reason why you might have you know but here's my bottom line on this why are we giving our power away to another human being why do they let why do why do humans let them occupy so much real estate in their head that means you're I I believe that's a lack of bump bump bump bump bump self love what that could self love anyway my book I believe that's a lack of self love Susan do you ever discuss widower relationships I'm smart normal compassionate but I'm just exhausted being a therapist and patient waiting for him to celebrate us and our milestones you know I I am I am not I here at this age you know roughly the over 60 crowd I have a lot of clients I'm now at I'm at the point in my business where I would say one to one out of 10 or maybe close to one out of five clients are um are women who have lost their husbands just like in the golden bachelor he lost his wife and I think a couple of the people in the the group have lost their husbands that's a very common thing for those of us in the over you know for those of us that are baby boomers or gen Xers late gen late early gen Xers late baby boomers who are out in the dating marketplace so I don't know what advice I can give to the widow or widower in that other than if you're still hung up on your spouse who passed away it's going to be difficult to give your heart to someone new so I mean it's just I'm aware and I wouldn't want to date someone who is still madly in love with their you know or are not resolved or accepted the loss of their spouse that's where I would go with it if they haven't fully accepted the loss of their spouse I don't think I'd want to date that person that's just my perception anyway Kaz is in the house why don't you make a channel for young men a lot of untapped potential there you know what I'm going to bring my son Colin where's a picture of him here's my son Colin I'm going to bring him on the channel we're going to do a video together for everyone how about that and we'll talk about what younger people need to know how would you guys feel if I brought my son Colin into the house let me know by giving me a thumbs up right now if you'd like to have Colin jump in and you can find out all about his dad from the horse's mouth okay but but I will ask him questions and we can talk about that um let's see worker girl says I need explanation why I became attached to a younger guy I never experienced such pain uh hormones I mean I don't know chemistry uh ego that's why you got why I why you got attached to a young guy just like why young guy why men are attracted to young women it's there's something about their vitality about their fact that they have lots of estrogen or testosterone is the why what does the why matter the real question is what are you going to do about your experience how are you going to navigate your own emotional well-being that is something I invite you to look at how you're going to navigate your own emotional well-being rather than focusing on the why focus on what you're going to do next that's my invitation for you okay let's see what we got here somebody said yes yes please bring Colin on okay we'll ask him tonight or I'll ask him later um Melissa wants to say that would be awesome to hear Colin's perspective I think it would be fun to have Colin in the house all right um Karla also says yes to your son um and beach lover gives thumbs up let's see all right if you have a question write the word question and post the question thereafter or if you want to get onto the hot seat we'll give time for one more person to jump on the hot seat the link is posted below or in the chat box it'd be fun to have someone on live don't be bashful John somebody click that link it'd be fun to have John in the house um Annabelle says how do you get on the fear of the fear of going online how do you get over the fear of going online fear false evidence appearing real false evidence appearing real gratitude be grateful for an opportunity to connect with people you wouldn't otherwise be able to meet in your daily life be grateful be so fucking grateful god universe spirit thank you for creating a medium that allows me to connect with people I wouldn't otherwise meeting my daily life I am so thankful god universe spirit Gus for drawing in this medium I am so grateful thank you and I'm gonna dive into it and I'm gonna give it my best shot because who knows I know so many people who have met the love of their life online and I'm gonna be in a state of gratitude and appreciation god universe spirit I invite that in that's how you get over the fear Lee is in the house is it normal for a man to still feel hurt after 10 years of divorce although he shows me much love and attention yes we have wounded people that can be 10 20 30 40 50 all their entire life be wounded so the answer is yes is it normal yeah we got a lot of wounded people we have a lot of emotionally wounded people out there so it is more likely what's okay so the surprising red flag every woman misses and dating I said number one the the deception of chemistry the second biggest red flag is we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality people with clinical or just 80 percent of people have clinical or or are emotionally dysfunctional 60 percent so you have an 80 percent chance of finding meeting somebody who's emotionally messed up and women you're no picnic either you guys are just as delusional as guys you all think you're just because you want commitment more than men you act like you're emotionally healthy you're no better and I'm guilty of being dysfunctional Kaz says are you radically honest in all aspects of your life or just relationships I would say that okay so one of the fundamentals in my philosophy my life is that I speak my truth and I do it with kindness there are times where it's not necessary to speak your truth there are times where being neutral is just as equally radically honest or important as speak radical honesty just means be vulnerable be authentic be transparent okay at the same time you don't have to say everything that's in your mind the brain has anywhere is between anywhere between 12 and 60 thousand thoughts a day 12 to 60 thousand thoughts a day 12 to 60 thousand thoughts a day I don't have to share every single one with a person sometimes a thought is merely a thought that you might process here's where I am radically honest with people if it's material to a romantic relationship if it is material to the success of a relationship with another person then I believe radical honesty if it's material to the relationship then it's important to express it so for example if you've got an std then I would tell someone you have an std before the penis goes inside the vagina okay that's radical honesty but that's that's because it can affect another human being I'm using a very crude example if you're married and somebody has expressed interest in you radical honesty is fessing up now we have a lot of liars out there the radical honesty is like look this could affect someone's well-being so I'm a big believer in expressing things if it's material does that help um Kaz um hope that helps Gina says hi Jonathan I believe it's a huge red flag when people in new relationships are just looking for red flags instead of enjoying being the moment so I do believe if you're looking for something wrong you'll find it so I'm in agreement I'm not a big believer in just being in the moment okay I'm a believer in in really um being being aware of of alignment and misalignment I believe it's important to be aware where you're aligned with a person and if you're misaligned ask questions being in the moment let's just have a good time let's just be in the moment it's all about having a good time let's just be in the moment yeah people spend a lot of times in the moment and guess what they find out they've attached themselves to a person who's a like a you know a nut or not a nut job uh you know a really broken or wounded individual so I'm not here to just live in the moment I'm here to say dating is a vetting process let's not be naive to that you know romance should be reserved for people who are in relationship not as a way to get into relationship let me repeat that someone write this down for me romance should be reserved for people who are already in a relationship as opposed to as a way to get into a relationship see living in the moment could be romantic hey we're going to wrap up with Rhonda in the house oh my god that was quick I'm at the gym I'm in plan of fitness right now my question is this younger man I'm 62 and they're like about 46 years old or I don't know give or take and that's pretty good I don't know if they're sincere and I don't give them a chance they flirt um is that for like a booty call or they really wanting to get to know me well um only their actions will demonstrate that so if someone it was 46 years old you're 62 has expressed an interest to get to know you then you have to pay attention to their actions with their words so if they're quickly trying to get into your pants then that's most likely they just want a booty call okay if they're actually taking the time asking you deeper questions asking about your life asking about your past relationships asking about your children asking about your work asking about where you grew up what was it like growing up where you grew up they're trying to find out who you are as a person and they're 46 years old that's great if they're like oh my god you're so amazing you're so wonderful let's spend time together let's drink alcohol together why don't you come back to my place and we'll drink some alcohol and by the way when you take off your panties because I want to go down on you I think he wants to hook up okay because I'm like I won't give them a chance I won't even talk to him what just why don't you have fun and talk to him and see how it how it how it unfolds okay I'll try all right thanks all right Rhonda big gigantic hugs thank you too okay oh thanks Rhonda well that was fun hey folks the surprising red flag every woman misses first off chemistry is not a indicator of relationship success and secondly we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality start off recognizing that okay it's not a red flag it's called a given and just remember most people are good people most people are good people they're trying to do the best they can and so my invitation for you is to work on yourself be the best version of yourself learn discernment learn discernment practice the law of attraction learn flirting skills and then ultimately if you do find a relationship learn the skills to be in a healthy happy relationship reading all the books that I've listed below because when you know how to curate a healthy happy relationship you have a greater chance for relationship success is this sinking in is this resonating please let me know post a comment below I'd like to hear your thoughts I read all of them or I do my best all right if you like this video please hit that like button please share this video please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it a them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we could all use more love in our lives I want to thank Gina and Christie and Rhonda and worker girl and true Morris and Susan and Kimberly and Carrie and spot me and Melissa and Angie everyone thanks so much for all the love big hugs to you have a fab evening bye now