Chapter 17 of The Trespasser. Towards morning Siegmund went to sleep. For four hours until seven o'clock the womb of sleep received him and nourished him again. But it is finest of all to wake, he said, as the bright sunshine of the window and the looming green sunshine coming through the lifted hands of the leaves challenged him into the open. The morning was exceedingly fair, and it looked at him so gently that his blue eyes trembled with self-pity. A fragment of scarlet geranium glanced up at him as he passed, so that amid of a million tyranny of the uniform it wore he could see the eyes of the flower, wistful offering him love, as one sometimes sees the eyes of a man beneath the brass helmet of a soldier and is startled. Everything looked at him with the same eyes of tenderness, offering him timidly a little love. They are all extraordinarily sweet, said Siegmund to the full-mouthed scabious and the awkward downcast ragwort. Three or four butterflies fluttered up and down in agitated little leaps around him. Instinctively Siegmund put his hand forward to touch them. The careless little beggars, he said. When he came to the cliff-tops there was the morning very bravely dressed, rustling forward with a silken sound and much silken shining to meet him. The battleships had gone. The sea was blue with a panier of diamonds. The sky was full with a misty tenderness like love. Siegmund had never recognised before the affection that existed between him and everything. We do not realise how tremendously dear and indispensable to us are the hosts of common things till we must leave them, and we break our hearts. We have been very happy together, everything seemed to say. Siegmund looked up into the eyes of the morning with a laugh. It is very lovely, he said, whatever happens. So he went down to the beach. His dark blue eyes, darker from last night's experience, smiled always with the pride of love. He undressed by his usual alter-stone. How closely familiar everything is, he thought. It seems almost as if the curves of this stone were rounded to fit in my soul. He touched the smooth white slope of the stone gently, with the discovering fingers, in the same way as he touched the cheek of Helena, or of his own babies. He found great pleasure in this feeling of intimacy with things. A very soft wind, shy as a girl, put his arms round him, and seemed to lay its cheek against his chest. He placed his hands beneath his arms, where the wind was caressing him, and his eyes opened with wondering pleasure. They find no fault with me, he said. I suppose they are as fallible as I, and so don't judge, he added, as he waded thigh-deep into the water, thrusting it to hear the mock-angry remonstrance. Once more, he said, and he took the sea in his arms. He swam very quietly. The water buoyed him up, holding him closely clasped. He swam towards the white rocks of the headlands. They rose before him like beautiful buttressed gates, so glistening that he half expected to see fantail pigeons puffing like white irises in the niches, and white peacocks with dark green feet, stepping down the terraces, trailing a sheen of silver. Helena is right, he said to himself, as he swam, scarcely swimming, but moving upon the bosom of the tide. She is right, it is all enchanted. I have got into her magic at last. Let us see what it is like. He determined to visit again his little bay. He swam carefully round the terraces, whose pale shadows through the swift-spinning emerald facets of the water seemed merest fancy. Siegmund touched them with his foot. They were hard, cold, dangerous. He swam carefully. As he made for the archway, the shadows of the headland chilled the water. There under the water, clamouring in a throng at the base of the submerged walls, with sea-women with dark locks, and young sea-girls with soft hair, vividly green, striving to climb up out of the darkness into the morning, their hair swirling in abandon. Siegmund was half-afraid of their frantic efforts. But the tide carried him swiftly through the high gate into the porch. There was exultance in this sweeping entry. The skin-white, full-fleshed walls of the archway were dappled with green lights that danced in and out among themselves. Siegmund was carried along in an invisible chariot beneath the jewel-stained walls. The tide swerved through him as he swam against the inward-curving white rock. His elbow met the rock, and he was sick with pain. He held his breath, trying to get back the joy and magic. He could not believe that the lovely smooth side of the rock, fair as his own side with its ripple of muscles, could have hurt him thus. He let the water carry him till he might climb out onto the shingle. There he sat upon a warm boulder, and twisted to look at his arm. The skin was grazed, not very badly, merely a ragged scarlet patch, no bigger than a carnation petal. The bruise, however, was painful, especially when, a minute or two later, he bent his arm. No, said he pityably to himself, it is impossible it should have hurt me. I suppose I was careless. Nevertheless the aspect of the morning changed. He sat on the boulder, looking out on the sea. The azure sky and the sea laughed on, holding a bright conversation, one with another. The two headlands of the tiny bay gossiped across the street of water. All the boulders and the pebbles of the seashore played together. Surely, said Seekman, they take no notice of me. They do not care a jot or a tittle for me. I am a fool to think myself one with them. He contrasted this with the kindness of the morning as he had stood on the cliffs. I was mistaken, he said. It was an illusion. He looked wistfully out again. Like neighbours leaning from opposite windows of an overhanging street, the headlands were occupied one with another. White rocks strayed out to sea, followed closely by other white rocks. Everything was busy, interested, occupied with its own pursuit and with its own comrades. Seekman alone was without pursuit or comrade. They will all go on the same.  When Helena, after a while, will laugh and take interest in others, what do I matter? Seekman thought of the futility of death. We are not long for music and laughter, love and desire and hate. I think we have no portion in them after we pass the gate. Why should I be turned out of the game? He asked himself, rebelling. He frowned and answered, O Lord, the old argument! But the thought of his own expunging from the picture was very bitter. Like the puff from the steamer's funnel, I should be gone. Seekman looked at himself, at his limbs and his body in the pride of his maturity. He was very beautiful to himself. Nothing in the place where I am, he said, gone, like a puff of steam that melts on the sunshine. Seekman looked at the sea. It was glittering with laughter as at a joke. And I, he said, lying down in the warm sand, I am nothing, I do not count, I am inconsiderable. He set his teeth with pain. There were no tears, there was no relief. A convulsive gasping shook him as he lay on the sands. All the while he was arguing with himself. Well, he said, if I am nothing dead, I am nothing alive. But the vulgar proverb arose, better a live dog than a dead lion, to answer him. It seemed an ignimony to be dead. It meant to be overlooked, even by the smallest creature of God's earth. Surely that was a great ignimony. Helena, meanwhile, was bathing for the last time by the same seashore with him. She was no swimmer. Her endless delight was to explore, to discover small treasures. For her the world was still a great wonder-box, which hid innumerable sweet toys for surprises in all its crevices. She had bathed in many rock-pools' tepid baths, trying first one, then another. She had lain on the sand, where the cold arms of the ocean lifted her, and smothered her impetuously, like an awful lover. The sea is a great deal like Siegmund, she said as she rose, panting, trying to dash her nostrils free from water. It was true. The sea, as it flung over her, filled her with the same uncontrollable terror as did Siegmund, when he sometimes grew silent and strange in a tide of passion. She wandered back to her rock-pools. They were bright and docile. They did not fling her about in a game of terror. She bent over, watching the anemones' fleshy petals shrink from the touch of her shadow, and she laughed to think they should be so needlessly fearful. The flowing tide trickled noiselessly among the rocks, widening and deepening insidiously her little pools. Helena retreated towards a large cave round the bend. There the water gurgled under the bladder-rack of the large stones. The air was cool and clammy. She pursued her way into the gloom, bending, though there was no need, shivering at the coarse feel of the seaweed beneath her naked feet. The water came rustling up beneath the fucous as she crept along on the big stones. She returned with a quiet gurgle which made her shudder, though even that was not disagreeable. It needed for all that more courage than was easy to summon before she could step off her stone into the black pool that confronted her. It was festooned thick with weeds that slid under her feet like snakes. She scrambled hastily upwards towards the outlet. Turning the ragged arch was before her, brighter than the brightest window. It was easy to believe the light fairies stood outside in a throng excited with fine fear, throwing handfuls of light into the dragon's hole. How surprised they will be to see me! said Helena, scrambling forward, laughing. She stood still in the archway astounded. The sea was blazing with white fire and glowing with azure as coals glow red with heat below the flames. The sea was transfused with the white burning while over it hung the blue sky in a glory like the blue smoke of the fire of God. Helena stood still and worshipped. It was a moment of astonishment when she stood breathless and blinded, involuntarily offering herself for a thank-offering.  Her lips were parted in a woman's joy of adoration. The moment passed and her thoughts hurried forward in confusion. It is good, said Helena. It is very good. She looked again and saw the waves like a line of children racing hand in hand, the sunlight pursuing, catching hold of them from behind as they ran wildly till they fell caught, with the sunshine dancing upon them like a white dog. It is really wonderful here, said she. But the moment had gone. She could not see again the grand burning of God among the waves. After a while she turned away. As she stood dabbling her bathing-dress in a pool, Siegmund came over the beach to her.  Siegmund, she exclaimed, looking up at him with radiant eyes as if it could not be possible that he had joined her in this rare place. His face was glowing with the suns in flaming, but Helena did not notice that his eyes were full of misery. I, actually, he said, smiling. I did not expect you, she said, still looking at him in radiant wonder. I could easier have expected—she hesitated, struggled, and continued—Iros walking by the sea. But you are like him, she said, looking radiantly up into Siegmund's face. And it beautiful this morning, she added. Siegmund endured her wide, glad look for a moment, then he stooped and kissed her. He remained moving his hand in the pool, ashamed and full of contradiction. He was at the bitter point of farewell, could see beyond the glamour around him the ugly building of his real life. Isn't the sea wonderful this morning? said Helena as she rung the water from her costume. It is very fine, he answered. He refrained from saying what his heart said. It is my last morning. It is not yours.  Yes, said Siegmund, the morning is perfect. It is, assented Helena warmly. Have you noticed the waves? They are like a line of children chased by a white dog. I, said Siegmund. Didn't you have a good time? she asked, touching with her fingertips the nape of his neck as he stooped beside her. I swam to my little bay again, he replied. Did you? she exclaimed, pleased. She sat down by the pool in which she washed her feet free from sand, holding them to Siegmund to dry. I am very hungry, she said, and I, he agreed. I feel quite established here, she said gaily, something in his position having reminded her of their departure. He laughed. It seems another eternity before the three forty-five train, doesn't it? She insisted. I wish we might never go back, he said. Helena sighed. It would be too much for life to give. We have had something, Siegmund, she said. He bowed his head and did not answer. It has been something, dear, she repeated. He rose and took her in his arms. Everything, he said, his face muffled in the shoulder of her dress. He could smell her fresh and fine from the sea. Everything, he said. She pressed her two hands on his head. I did well, didn't I, Siegmund? She asked. Helena felt the responsibility of this holiday. She had proposed it. When he had withdrawn, she had insisted, refusing to allow him to take back his word, declaring that she should pay the cost. He permitted her at last. Wonderfully well, Helena, he replied. She kissed his forehead. You are everything, he said.  End of chapter 17. CHAPTER 18 The water would be warm this morning, she said, addressing no one in particular. Siegmund stood on the hearthrug with his hands behind him, swaying from one leg to the other. He was embarrassed always by the presence of the amiable little woman. He could not feel at ease before strangers, in his capacity of accepted swaying of Helena. It was, assented Helena, it was as warm as new milk. I it would be, said the old lady, looking in admiration upon the experience of Siegmund and his beloved. Did you see the ships of war? She asked. No, they had gone, replied Helena. Siegmund swayed from foot to foot, rhythmically. You'll be coming into dinner today, asked the old lady. Helena arranged the matter. I think you both look better, Mrs. Curtis said. She glanced at Siegmund. She smiled constrainedly. I thought she looked so worn when you came, she said sympathetically. He had been working hard, said Helena, also glancing at him. He bent his head and was whistling without making any sound. I sympathised the little woman. And it's a very short time for you. Not a pity you can't stop for the fireworks at Cowes on Monday. They are grand, so they say. Helena raised her eyebrows in polite interest. Have you never seen them? She asked. No, replied Mrs. Curtis. I've never been able to get, but I hope to go yet. I hope you may, said Siegmund. The little woman beamed on him. Having won a word from him, she was quite satisfied. Well, she said brightly, the eggs must be done by now. She tripped out to return directly. I've brought you, she said, some of the island cream and some white currants if you'll have them. You must think well of the island and come back. How could we help? laughed Helena. We will, smiled Siegmund. When finally the door was closed on her, Siegmund sat down in relief. Helena looked in amusement at him. She was perfectly self-possessed in presence of the delightful little lady. This is one of the few places that has ever felt like home to me. She said.  Ah! exclaimed Siegmund, smiling at her. One of the few places where everything is friendly, she said, and everybody. You have made so many enemies, he asked, with gentle irony. Strangers, she replied, I seem to make strangers of all the people I meet. She laughed in amusement at this moor. Siegmund looked at her intently. He was thinking of her left alone amongst strangers. Need we go? Need we leave this place of friends? He said, as if ironically. He was very much afraid of tempting her. She looked at the clock on the mantelpiece, and counted. One, two, three, four, five hours, thirty-five minutes. It is an age yet, she laughed. Siegmund laughed, too, as he accepted the particularly fine bunch of currants she had extricated for him. End of CHAPTER XIII CHAPTER XIX The air was warm and sweet in the little lane, remote from the sea, which led them along their last walk. On either side the white path was a grassy margin, thickly woven with pink convolvally.  Helena walked along, watching the flowers, and making fancies out of them. Who called them fairies' telephones? She said to herself. They are tiny children in pinafores.  They are children dawdling along the pavement of a morning. How fortunate they are! See how they take a wind-thrill! See how wide they are set to the sunshine! And when they are tired, they will curl daintily to sleep, and some fairies in the dark will gather them away. They won't be here in the morning, shriveled and dowdy. If only we could curl up and be gone after our day! She looked at Siegmund. He was walking moodily beside her. "'It is good when life holds no anti-climax,' she said. "'Aye,' he answered. Of course, he could not understand her meaning. She strayed into the thick grass, a sturdy white figure that walked with bent head, abstract but happy. "'What is she thinking?' he asked himself. She is sufficient to herself. She doesn't want me. She has her own private way of communing with things, and his friends with them. "'The dew has been very heavy,' she said, turning and looking up at him from under her brows, like a smiling witch. "'I see it has,' he answered. Then to himself, he said, she can't translate herself into language. She is incommunicable. She can't render herself to the intelligence. So she is alone, and a law unto herself. She only wants me to explore me like a rock-pool, and to bathe in me. After a while, when I am gone, she will see I was not indispensable.' The lane led up to the eastern down. As they were emerging, they saw on the left hand an extraordinarily spic and span red bungalow. The low roof of dusky red sloped down towards the coolest green lawn that was edged and ornamented with scarlet and yellow and white flowers, brilliant with dew. A stout man in an alpaca jacket and Panama hat was seated on the bare lawn, his back to the sun, reading a newspaper. He tried in vain to avoid the glare of the sun on his reading. At last he closed the paper and looked angrily at the house, not at anything in particular. He irritably read a few more lines, then jerked up his head in sudden decision, glared at the open door of the house, and called, "'Amy, Amy!' No answer was forthcoming. He flung down the paper and strode off indoors, his mean one of wrathful resolution. His voice was heard calling curtly from the dining-room. There was a jingle of crockery as he bumped the table-legged in, sitting down. "'He is in a bad temper,' laughed Segment. "'Breakfast is late,' said Helena with contempt. "'Look,' said Segment. An elderly lady in black and white striped linen, a young lady in Holland, both carrying some wild flowers hastened towards the garden gate. Their faces were turned anxiously to the house. They were hot with hurrying, and had no breath for words. The girl pressed forward, opened the gate for the lady in striped linen, who hastened over the lawn. Then the daughter followed, and vanished also under the shady veranda. There was a quick sound of women's low apologetic voices, overridden by the resentful abuse of the man. The lovers moved out of hearing. "'Imagine that breakfast-table,' said Segment.  "'There are many such roosts,' said Segment pertinently. Helena's cold scorn was very disagreeable to him. She talked to him winsomely and very kindly as they crossed the open down to meet the next incurving of the coast, and Segment was happy. But the sense of humiliation which he had got from her the day before, and which had fixed itself, bled him secretly like a wound. This haemorrhage of self-esteem tortured him to the end. Helena had rejected him. She gave herself to fancies only. For some time she had confused Segment with her God. Yesterday she had cried to her ideal lover, and found only Segment. It was the spear in the side of his tortured self-respect. "'At least,' he said, in mortification of himself, "'at least someone must recognise a strain of God in me. And who does? I don't believe in it myself.' And moreover, in the intense joy and suffering of his realised passion, the island, with its sea and sky, had fused till like a brilliant bead, all their beauty ran together out of the common ore, and Segment saw it naked, saw the beauty of everything naked in the shifting magic of this bead. The island would be gone to-morrow. He would look for the beauty and find the dirt. What was he to do?' "'You know, Domine,' said Helena. It was his old nickname she used. You look quite stern today.' "'I feel anything but stern,' he laughed. Weaker than usual, in fact.' "'Yes, perhaps so, when you talk. Then you are really surprisingly gentle. But when you are silent, I'm even afraid of you. You seem so grave.' He laughed. "'And shall I not be brave?' he said.  He turned quickly to Helena. "'I wondered if that's right,' he said. "'It's years since I did a line of Latin, and I thought it had all gone.' "'In the first place, what does it mean?' said Helena calmly. "'For I can only half translate. I have thrown overboard all my scrap-books of such stuff.' "'Why?' said Segment, rather abashed, only the row and the smoke of Rome. But it is remarkable, Helena. Here the peculiar look of interest came on his face again. It is really remarkable that I should have said that.' "'Yes, you look surprised,' smiled she. "'But it must be twenty,' he counted, twenty-two or three years since I learned that. And I forgot it. Goodness knows how long ago. Like a drowning man, I have these memories before—' She broke off, smiling mockingly, to tease her. "'Before you go back to London,' said she, in a matter of fact, almost ironical tone. She was inscrutable. This morning she could not bear to let any deep emotion come uppermost. She wanted rest.' "'No,' she said, with calm distinctness, a few moments after, when they were climbing the rise to the cliff's edge.  The mist-cut and is thick yet. There it is!' She pointed to the heavy purple-gray haze that hung like aris on a wall, between the sloping sky and the sea. She thought of yesterday morning's mist-curtain, thick and blazing gold, so heavy that no wind could sway its fringe. They lay down in the dry grass, upon the gold bits of bird's-foot trefoil of the cliff's edge, and looked out to sea. A warm, drowsy calm drooped over everything. "'Six hours,' thought Helena, and we shall have passed the mist-curtain. Already it is thinning. I could break it open with waving my hand. I will not wave my hand.' She was exhausted by the suffering of the last night, so she refused to allow any emotion to move her this morning till she was strong. It was also exhausted, but his thoughts laboured like ants, in spite of himself, striving towards a conclusion. Helena had rejected him. In his heart he felt that in this love affair also he had been a failure. No matter how he contradicted himself, and said it was absurd to imagine he was a failure as Helena's lover. Yet he felt a physical sensation of defeat—a kind of knot in his breast which neither reason nor dialectics nor circumstance, not even Helena, could untie. He had failed as lover to Helena. It was not surprising his marriage with Beatrice should prove disastrous—rushing into wedlock as he had done at the ripe age of seventeen. He had known nothing of his woman, nor she of him. When his mind and soul set to develop, as Beatrice could not sympathise with his interests, he naturally inclined away from her, so that now, after twenty years, he was almost a stranger to her. That was not very surprising. But why should he have failed with Helena? The bees droned fitfully over the scented grass, aimlessly swinging in the heat. Segment watched one gold and amber fellow lazily let go a white clove ahead, and boom in a careless curve out to sea, humming softer and softer as he reeled along in the giddy space. The little fool said Segment, watching the black dot swallowed into the light. No ship sailed the curving sea. The light danced in a whirl upon the ripples. Nothing else watched with heavy eyes of heat enhancement, the wild spinning of the lights. Even if I were free, he continued to think, we should only grow apart, Helena and I. She would leave me. This time I should be the laggard. She is young and vigorous. I am beginning to set. Is that why I have failed? I ought to have had her in love sufficiently to keep her these few days. I am not quick. I do not follow her or understand her swiftly enough, and I am always timid of compulsion. I cannot compel anybody to follow me. So we are here. I am out of my depth. Like the bee I was mad with the sight of so much joy, such a blue space, and now I shall find no footing to a light on. I have flown out into life beyond my strength to get back. When can I set my feet on when this is gone? The sun grew stronger. Slower and more slowly went the hawks of Siegmund's mind after the quarry of conclusion. He lay bare-headed, looking out to sea. The sun was burning deeper into his face and head. I feel as if it were burning into me, thought Siegmund abstractedly. It is certainly consuming some part of me. Perhaps it is making me ill.  Helena lay in what shadow he afforded. The heat put out all her thought activity. Presently she said, This heat is terrible, Siegmund. Shall we go down to the water? They climbed giddily down the cliff-path. Already there was somewhat sun intoxicated. Siegmund chose the hot sand where no shade was on which to lie. Shall we not go under the rocks? said Helena. Look, he said, The sun is beating on the cliffs. It is hotter, more suffocating there. So they lay down in the glare. Helena watching the foam retreat slowly with a cool splash. Siegmund sinking. The naked body of heat was dreadful. My arms, Siegmund, said she, They feel as if they were dipped in fire. Siegmund took them without a word and hid them under his coat. Are you sure it is not bad for you?  He laughed stupidly. That is all right, he said. He knew that the sun was burning through him and doing him harm, but he wanted the intoxication. As he looked wistfully far away over the sea at Helena's mist curtain, he said, I think we should be able to keep together if he faltered. If only I could have you a little longer. I have never had you. Some sound of failure, some tone telling her it was too late.  She clung to him almost beside herself. She could not lose him. She could not spare him. She would not let him go. Helena was for the moment frantic. He held her safely, saying nothing until she was calmer, when, with his lips on her cheek, he murmured, I should be able, shouldn't I, Helena?  I have really had you so little, he said. Can't you forget it, Siegmund? She cried. Can't you forget it? It was only a shadow, Siegmund. It was a lie. It was nothing real. Can't you forget it, dear? You can't do without me, he asked. If I lose you, I am lost, answered she with swift decision. She had no knowledge of weeping, yet her tears were wet on his face. He held her safely. Her arms were hidden under his coat. I will have no mercy on those shadows the next time they come between us, said Helena to herself.  She still clung to him, craving so to have him that he could not be ref'd away. Siegmund felt very peaceful. He lay with his arms about her, listening to the backward creeping tide. All his thoughts, like bees, were flown out to sea and lost. If I had her more, I should understand her through and through. If we were side by side, we should grow together. If we could stay here, I should get stronger and more upright. This was the poor heron of quarry the hawks of his mind had struck. Another hour fell like a fox-glove bell from the stork. There were only two red blossoms left, then the stem would have set to seed. Helena leaned her head upon the breast of Siegmund, her arms clasping under his coat, his body, which swelled and sank gently, with the quiet of great power. If thought she, the whole clock of the world could stand still now, and leave us thus, me with the lift and fall of the strong body of Siegmund in my arms. But the clock ticked on in the heat. The seconds marked off by the falling of the waves, repeated so lightly and in such fragile rhythm that it made the silence sweet. If now, prayed Siegmund, death would wipe the sweat from me, and it would dark. But the waves softly marked the minutes, retreating farther, leaving the bare rocks to bleach and the weed to shrivel. Suddenly like the shadow on a dial, the knowledge that it was time to rise and go crept upon them. Although they remained silent, each knew that the other felt the same weight of responsibility, the shadow finger of the sundial travelling over them. The alternative was not to return, to let the finger travel and be gone. But then Helen knew she must not let the time cross her. She must rise before it was too late, and travel before the coming finger. Siegmund hoped she would not get up. He lay in suspense, waiting. At last she sat up abruptly. It is time, Siegmund, she said. He did not answer, he did not look at her, but lay as she had left him.  Then she bent over him, he did not look at her. She saw his forehead was swollen and inflamed with the sun. Very gently she wiped from it the glistening sweat. She closed his eyes, and she wiped his cheeks and his mouth. Still he did not look at her. She bent very close to him, feeling her heart crushed with grief for him. We must go, Siegmund, she whispered. All right, he said, but still he did not move. She stood up beside him, shook herself, and tried to get a breath of air. She was dazzled blind by the sunshine. Siegmund lay in the bright light, with his eyes closed, never moving. His face was inflamed, but fixed like a mask. Helen awaited until the terror of the passing of the hour was too strong for her. She lifted his hand, which lay swollen with heat on the sand, and she tried gently to draw him. We shall be too late, she said in distress. He sighed and sat up, looking out over the water. Helena could not bear to see him look so vacant and expressionless.  Siegmund knew he was making it unbearable for her. Pulling himself together, he bent his head from the sea, and said, Why, what time is it? He took out his watch, holding it in his hand. Helena still held his left hand, and had one arm round his neck. I can't see the figures, he said. Everything is dimmed, as if it were coming dark. Yes, replied Helena, in that reedy, painful tone of hers, my eyes were the same. It is the strong sunlight. I can't, he repeated, and he was rather surprised. I can't see the time. Can you?" She stooped down and looked. It is half-past one, she said. Helena hated her voice as she spoke. There was still sufficient time to catch the train. He stood up, moved inside his clothing, saying, I feel almost stunned by the heat. I can hardly see, and all my feeling in my body is dulled. Yes, answered Helena, I'm afraid it will do you harm. At any rate, he smiled as if sleepily, I have had enough. If it's too much, what is too much? They went unevenly over the sand, their eyes sun-dimmed. We are going back, we are going back. The heart of Helena seemed to run hot, beating these words. They climbed the cliff-path, toilsomely. Standing at the top, on the edge of the grass, they looked down the cliffs at the beach and over the sea. The strand was wide, forsaken by the sea, forlorn with rocks bleaching in the sun, and sand and seaweed breathing off their painful scent upon the heat. The sea crept smaller, farther away, the sky stood still. Siegmund and Helena looked hopelessly out on their beautiful incandescent world. They looked hopelessly at each other. Siegmund's mood was gentle and forebearing.  Adio! he said. He turned away, and looking from Helena landwards, he said, smiling peculiarly. It reminds me of Traviata, an adio at every verse end. She smiled with her mouth in acknowledgement of his facetious irony. It jarred on her. He was pricked again by her supercilious reserve. Adio! adio! He whistled between his teeth, hissing out the Italian's passion notes in a way that made Helena clench her fists. I suppose, she said, swallowing and recovering her voice to check this discord. I suppose we shall have a fairly easy journey. Thursday. I don't know, said Siegmund. There will not be very many people, she insisted. I think, he said in a very quiet voice, you'd better let me go by the south-western from Portsmouth, while you go on by the Brighton. But why? She exclaimed in astonishment. I don't want to sit looking at you all the way, he said. But why should you? She exclaimed. He laughed. Indeed, no, she said, we shall go together. Very well, he answered. They walked on in silence towards the village. As they drew near the little post-office, he said, I suppose I may as well wire them that I shall be home to-night. You haven't sent them any word, she asked. He laughed. They came to the open door of the little shop. He stood still, not entering. Helena wondered what he was thinking. Shall I? he asked, meaning should he wire to Beatrice? His manner was rather peculiar. Well, I should think so, faltered Helena, turning away to look at the postcards in the window. Siegmund entered the shop. It was dark and cumbered with views, cheap china ornaments and toys. He asked for a telegraph form. My God! He said to himself bitterly as he took the pencil. He could not sign the abbreviated name his wife used towards him. He scribbled his surname, as he would have done to a stranger.  That's right, she said, picking up the sixpence and taking the form to the instrument. What beautiful weather! She continued. It will be making you sorry to leave us. There goes my warrant, thought Siegmund, watching the flimsy bit of paper under the postmistress's heavy hand. Yes, it is too bad, isn't it? he replied, bowing and laughing to the woman. It is, sir, she answered pleasantly. Good morning! He came out of the shop still smiling, and when Helena turned from the postcards to look at him, the lines of laughter remained over his face like a mask. She glanced at his eyes for a sign. His facial expression told her nothing. His eyes were just as inscrutable, which made her falter with dismay. What is he thinking of? She asked herself. Her thoughts flashed back, and why did he ask me so peculiarly whether he should wire them at home? Well, said Siegmund, are there any postcards? None that I care to take, she replied. Perhaps you would like one of these. She pointed to some faded-looking cards, which proved to be imaginary views of Allam Bay, done in variegated sand. Siegmund smiled. I wonder if they dribbled the sand on with a fine-glass tube, he said. Or a brush, said Helena. She does not understand, said Siegmund to himself. And whatever I do I must not tell her. I should have thought she would understand. As he walked home beside her, they mingled with his other feelings, resentment against her. Almost he hated her. End of chapter 19 20 At first they had a carriage to themselves. They sat opposite each other, with averted faces, looking out of the windows, and watching the houses, the downs, dead asleep in the sun, the embankments of the railway, with exhausted hot flowers, go slowly past out of their reach. They felt as if they were being dragged away, like criminals. To speak or think, they stared out of the windows. Helena struggling in vain to keep back her tears. Siegmund laboring to breathe normally. At Yarmouth the door was snatched open, and there was a confusion of shouting and running.  Faces innumerable, hot blue-eyed faces strained to look over his shoulders at the shocked girl and the amazed Siegmund. There entered eight Germans into the second-class compartment, five men and three ladies. When at last the luggage was stowed away, they sank into the seats. The last man on either side to be seated lowered himself carefully like a wedge between his two neighbours. And watched the stout man, the one who had led the charge, settling himself between his large lady and the small Helena. The latter crushed herself against the side of the carriage. The Germans' hips came down tight against her. She strove to lessen herself against the window, to escape the pressure of his flesh, whose heat was transmitted to her. The man squeezed in the opposite direction. I am afraid I press you," he said, smiling in his gentle, chivalric German fashion. Helena glanced swiftly at him. She liked his grey eyes, she liked the agreeable intonation and the pleasant sound of his words. Oh, no! she answered, you do not crush me. Almost before she had finished the words, she turned away to the window. The man seemed to hesitate a moment, as if recovering himself from a slight rebuff, before he could address his lady with the good-humoured remark in German. Well, and have we not managed it very nicely, eh? The whole party began to talk in German with great animation. They told each other of the quaint ways of this or the other. They joked loudly over Billy, this being a nickname discovered for the German Emperor, and what he would be saying of the Tsar's trip. They questioned each other and answered each other concerning the places they were going to see with great interest, displaying admirable knowledge. They were pleased with everything. They extolled things English. Helena's stout neighbour, who it seemed was from Dresden, began to tell anecdotes. He was a raconteur of the naïve type. He talked with face, hands, with his whole body. Now and again he would give little spurts in his seat. After one of these he must have become aware of Helena, who felt as if she were enveloped by a soft stove, struggling to escape his compression. He stopped short, lifted his hat, and smiling beseechingly, said in his persuasive way, I am sorry, I am sorry I compress you. He glanced round in perplexity, seeking some escape or remedy. Finding none, he turned to her again, after having squeezed hard against his lady to free Helena, and said, forgive me, I am sorry. You are forgiven, replied Helena, suddenly smiling into his face with her rare winsomeness. The whole party, attentive, relaxed into a smile at this. The God-humour was complete. Thank you," said the German gratefully. Helena turned away. The talk began again like the popping of corn. The raconteur resumed his anecdote. Everybody was waiting to laugh. Helena rapidly wearied of trying to follow the tale. Segment had made no attempt. He had watched with the others the Germans' apologies, and the sight of his lover's face had moved him more than he could tell. She had a peculiar childish wistfulness at times, and with this an intangible aloofness that pierced his heart. It seems to him he should never know her. There was a remoteness about her, an estrangement between her and all natural daily things, as if she were of an unknown race that can never tell its own story. This feeling always moved Segment's pity to its deepest, leaving him poignantly helpless. This same foreignness, revealed in other ways, sometimes made him hate her. It was as if she would sacrifice him rather than renounce her foreign birth. There was something in her he could never understand, so that never, never could he say he was master of her, as she was of him the mistress.  She was very small, her quiet ways, and sometimes her impetuous clinging made her seem small, before she was very strong. But Segment saw her now, small, quiet, uncomplaining, living for him who sat and looked at her. But what would become of her when he had left her, when she was alone, little foreigner as she was, in this world, which apologizes when it has done the hurt, too blind to see beforehand? There would be left behind. Death was no way for her. She could not escape, thus, with him, from this house of strangers which she called life. She had to go on alone, like a foreigner who cannot learn the strange language. What will she do? Segment asked himself, when her loneliness comes upon her like a horror, and she has no one to go to. She will come to the memory of me for a while, and that will take her over till her strength is established. But what then? Segment could find no answer. He tried to imagine her life. It would go on after his death, just in the same way, for a while, and then. She had not the faintest knowledge of how she would develop. What would she do when she was thirty-eight, and as old as himself? He could not conceive. Yet she would not die, of that he was certain.  She was a book written in characters unintelligible to him, and to everybody. He was tortured with the problem of her till it became acute, and he felt as if his heart would burst inside him. As a boy he had experienced the same sort of feeling after restling for an hour with the problem in Euclid, for he was capable of great concentration. He felt Helena looking at him, turning he found her steady, unswerving eyes fixed on him, so that he shrank confused from them. She smiled. By an instinctive movement she made him know that she wanted him to hold her hand. She leaned forward and put his hand over hers. She had peculiar hands, small, with a strange delightful silkiness. Often they were cool or cold. Generally they lay unmoved within his clasp, but then they were instinct with life, not inert. Sometimes he would feel a peculiar jerking in his pulse, very much like electricity when he held her hand. Occasionally it was almost painful, and felt as if a little virtue were passing out of his blood. But that he dismissed as nonsense. The Germans were still rattling away, perspiring freely, wiping their faces with their handkerchiefs as they laughed, moving inside their clothing which was sticking to their sides. Segment had not noticed them for some time. He was so much absorbed. But Helena, though she sympathised with her fellow passengers, was tormented almost beyond endurance by the noise, the heat of her neighbour's body, the atmosphere of the crowded carriage, and her own emotion. The only thing that could relieve her was the hand of Segment, soothing her in its hold. She looked at him with the same steadiness which made her eyes feel heavy upon him and made him shrink. She wanted his strength of nerve to support her, and he submitted at once. His one aim being to give her out of himself whatever she wanted. End of chapter 20. Recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey. Chapter 21 of The Trespasser. This Librivox recording is in the public domain. Recording by Martin Geeson. The Trespasser by D. H. Lawrence. Chapter 21. The tall white yachts in a throng were lounging off the roads of ride. It was near the regatta time, so these proud creatures had flown loftily together, and now flitted hither and thither among themselves, like a concourse of tall women footing the waves with superb touch. To Segment they were very beautiful, but removed from him, as dancers crossing the window lights are removed from the man who looks up from the street.  He and Helena had climbed among coils of rope onto the prow of their steamer, so they could catch a little spray of speed on their faces to stimulate them. The sea was very bright and crowded. White sails leaned slightly and filed along the roads. Two yachts with sails of amber floated, it seemed, without motion, amid the eclipsed blue of the day. Small boats with red and yellow flags fluttered quickly, trailing the sea with colour. A pleasure steamer coming from cows swung her soft stout way among the fleeting ships. High in the background were men of war, a long line, each one threading tiny triangles of flags through a sky dim with distance. "'It is all very glad,' said Segment to himself, but it seems to be fanciful. He was out of it. Already he felt detached from life. He belonged to his destination. It is always so. We have no share in the beauty that lies between us and our goal.' Helena watched with poignant sorrow all the agitation of colour on the blue afternoon. "'We must leave it. We must pass out of it,' she lamented, over and over again. Each new charm she caught eagerly. "'I like the steady purpose of that brown-sailed tramp,' she said to herself, watching a laden coaster making for Portsmouth. They were still among the small shipping of ride. Segment and Helena, as they looked out, became aware of a small motor-launch heading across their course, towards a yacht whose tall masts were drawn clean on the sky. The eager launch, its nose up as if to breathe, was racing over the swell like a coursing dog. A lady in white and a lad with dark head and white jersey were leaning in the boughs. A gentleman was bending over some machinery in the middle of the boat. While the sailor in the low stern was also stooping forward, attending to something. The steamer was sweeping onwards, huge above the water. The dog of a boat was coursing straight across her track. The lady saw the danger first. Stretching forward she seated the arm of the lad and held him firm, making no sound, but watching the forward menace of the looming steamer. "'Look!' cried Helena, catching hold of Segment. He was already watching. Suddenly the steamer bell clanged. The gentleman looked up, with startled sunburned face, and he leapt to the stern. The launch veered. It and the steamer closed together like a pair of scissors. The lady, still holding the boy, looked up with an expressionless face at the high sweeping chisel of the steamer's boughs. The husband stood rigid, staring ahead. No sound was to be heard save the rustling of water under the boughs. The scissors closed.  It escaped by a yard or two. Then like a dog it seemed to look round. The gentleman in the stern glanced back quickly. He was a handsome dark-haired man with dark eyes. His face was as if carven out of oak, set and grey-brown. Then he looked to the steering of his boat. No one had uttered a sound. From the tiny boat coursing low on the water, not a sound, only tense waiting. The launch raced out of danger towards the yacht. The gentleman with a brief gesture put his man in charge again, whilst he himself went forad to the lady. He was a handsome man, very proud in his movements, and she in her bearing was prouder still. She received him almost with indifference. Helena turned to Siegmund. He took both her hands and pressed them whilst she looked at him with eyes blind with emotion. She was white to the lips and heaving like the boy in the wake of the steamer. The noise of life had suddenly been hushed, and each heart had heard for a moment the noiselessness of death. How everyone was white and gasping! They strove on every hand to fill the day with noise and the colour of life again. By Joe, if that was a near thing! That has made me feel bad, said a woman. A French yacht, said somebody. Helena was waiting for the voice of Siegmund, but he did not know what to say. Confused, he repeated, that was a close shave. Helena clung to him, searching his face. She felt his difference from herself. There was something in his experience that made him different, quiet, with a peculiar expression as if he were pained. Ah, dear Lord! he was saying to himself, how bright and whole the day is for them. If God had suddenly put his hand over the sun and swallowed us up in a shadow, they could not have been more startled. That man, with his fine white flanneled limbs and his dark head, has no suspicion of the shadow that supports it all. Between the blueness of the sea and the sky, he passes easy as a gull, close to the fine white sea-mew of his mate, amid red flowers of flags and soft birds of ships, and slow-moving monsters of steam-boats. For me the day is transparent and shriveling. I can see the darkness through its petals, but for him it is a fresh bell-flower in which he fumbles with delight like a bee. For me, quivering in the interspaces of the atmosphere, is the darkness the same that fills my soul. I can see death urging itself into life, the shadow supporting the substance. For my life is burning an invisible flame. The glare of the light of myself, as I burn on the fuel of death, is not enough to hide from me the source and the issue. For what is a life but a flame that bursts off the surface of darkness and tapers into the darkness again? But the death that issues differs from the death that was the source. At least I shall enrich death with a potent shadow, if I do not enrich life. Wasn't that woman fine? said Helena. So perfectly still, he answered. The child realised nothing, she said. Segment laughed, then leaned forward impulsively to her. I am always so sorry, he said, that the human race is urged inevitably into a deeper and deeper realisation of life. She looked at him, wondering what provoked such a remark. I guess, she said slowly, after a while, that the man, the sailor, will have a bad time. He was abominably careless. He was careful of something else, just then, said Segment, who hated to hear her speak in cold condemnation. He was attending to the machinery or something. That was scarcely his first business, said she rather sarcastic. Segment looked at her. She seemed very hard in judgement, very blind. Segment's soul surged against her in hatred. Do you think the man wanted to drown the boat? he asked. He nearly succeeded, she replied. There was antagonism between them. Segment recognised in Helena the world sitting in judgement, and he hated it. But after all, he thought, I suppose it is the only way to get along, to judge the event and not the person. I have a disease of sympathy, a vice of exoneration. Nevertheless, he did not love Helena as a judge. He thought rather of the woman in the boat. She was evidently one who watched the sources of life, saw it great and impersonal. Would the woman cry, or hug and kiss the boy when she got on board? he asked. I rather think not, why? she replied. I hope she didn't, he said. Helena sat watching the water spurt back from the boughs. She was very much in love with Segment. He was suggestive, he stimulated her. But to her mind he had not her own dark eyes of hesitation. He was swift and proud as the wind. She never realised his helplessness. Segment was gathering strength from the thought of that other woman's courage. If she had so much restraint as not to cry out or alarm the boy, if she had so much grace not to complain to her husband, surely he himself might refrain from revealing his own fear of Helena, and from lamenting his hard fate. They sailed on past the checkered round towers. The sea opened, and they looked out to eastward into the sea-space. Segment wanted to flee. He yearned to escape down the open ways before him. Yet he knew he would be carried on to London. He watched the sea-ways closing up. The shore came round. The high old houses stood flat on the right hand. The shore swept round in a sickle, reaping them into the harbour. There the old victory, gay with myriad pointed pennons, was harvested, saved for a trophy. It is a dreadful thing, thought Segment, to remain as a trophy when there is nothing more to do. He watched the landing-stages swooping nearer. There were the trains drawn up in readiness. At the other end of the train was London. He could scarcely bear to have Helena before him for another two hours. The suspense of that protracted farewell, while he sat opposite her in the beating train, would cost too much. He longed to be released from her. They had got their luggage, and were standing at the foot of the ladder, in the heat of the engines and the smell of hot oil, waiting for the crowd to pass on, so that they might ascend and step off the ship onto the mainland. "'Won't you let me go by the south-western, and you by the Brighton?' asked Segment, hesitating, repeating the morning's question. Helena looked at him, knitting her brows with misgiving and perplexity. "'No,' she replied, "'let us go together.'" Segment followed her up the iron ladder to the key. There was no great crowd on the train. They easily found a second-class compartment without occupants. He swung the luggage on the rack, and sat down, facing Helena. "'Now,' he said to himself, "'I wish I were alone.'" He wanted to think and prepare himself. Helena, who was thinking actively, leaned forward to him to say, "'Shall I not go down to Cornwall?' By her soothing willingness to do anything for him, Segment knew that she was dogging him closely. He could not bear to have his anxiety protracted. "'But you have promised Louisa, have you not?' he replied. "'Oh, well,' she said in the peculiar, slighting tone she had, when she wished to convey the unimportance of affairs not touching him. "'Then you must go,' he said. "'But,' she began, with harsh petulance, "'I do not want to go down to Cornwall with Louisa and Olive.' She accentuated the two names. "'After this,' she added. "'Then Louisa will have no holiday, and you have promised,' he said gravely. Helena looked at him. She saw he had decided that she should go. "'Is my promise so very important?' she asked. She glanced angrily at the three ladies who were hesitating in the doorway. Nevertheless the ladies entered and seated themselves at the opposite end of the carriage. Segment did not know whether he were displeased or relieved by their intrusion. As they had stayed out he might have held Helena in his arms for still another hour. As it was she could not harass him with words. He tried not to look at her, but to think. The train at last moved out of the station. As it passed through Portsmouth Segment remembered his coming down on the Sunday. It seemed an indefinite age ago. He was thankful that he sat on the side of the carriage opposite from the one he had occupied five days before. The afternoon of the flawless sky was ripening into evening. The chimneys and the sides of the houses of Portsmouth took on that radiant appearance which transfigures the end of day in town. A rich bloom of light appears on the surfaces of brick and stone.  But as soon as the train moved into the gloom of the town station he began again. Beatrice will be proud and silent as steel when I get home. She will say nothing, thank God, nor shall I. That will expedite matters. There will be no interruptions. But we cannot continue together after this. Why should I discuss reasons for and against? We cannot. She goes to a cottage in the country. Already I have spoken of it to her. I allow her all I can of my money and on the rest I manage for myself in lodgings in London. Very good. But when I am comparatively free I cannot live alone. I shall want Helena. I shall remember the children. If I have the one I shall be damned by the thought of the other. This bruise on my mind will never get better. Helena says she would never come to me. But she would, out of pity for me. I know she would. But then, what then? Beatrice and the children in the country and me not looking after the children. Beatrice is thriftless. She would be in endless difficulty. It would be a degradation to me. She would keep a red sore inflamed against me.  Besides, there would go all her strength. She would not make any efforts. He has brought it on us, she would say, let him see what the result is. And things would go from bad to worse with them. It would be a gangrene of shame. And Helena, I should have nothing but mortification. When she was asleep I could not look at her. She is such a strange, incongruous creature. But I should be responsible for her. She believes in me as if I had the power of God. What should I think of myself? It leaned with his head against the window, watching the country whirl past but seeing nothing. He thought imaginatively, and his imagination destroyed him. He pictured Beatrice in the country. He sketched the morning. Breakfast haphazard at a late hour. The elder children rushing off without food, miserable and untidy. The youngest bewildered under her swift, indifferent preparations for school. He thought of Beatrice in the evening, worried and irritable. Her bills unpaid, the work undone, declaiming lamentably against the cruelty of her husband, who had abandoned her to such a burden of care, while he took his pleasure elsewhere. This line, exhausted or intolerable, Siegmunds switched off to the consideration of his own life in town. He would go to America. The agreement was signed with the theatre manager. But America would be only a brief shutting of the eyes and closing of the mouth. He would wait for the homecoming to Helena, and she would wait for him. It was inevitable. Then would begin what? He would never have enough money to keep Helena, even if he managed to keep himself. Their meetings would then be occasional and clandestine. Ah, it was intolerable. If I were rich, said Siegmund, all would be plain. I would give each of my children enough, and Beatrice, and we would go away. But I am nearly forty. I have no genius. I shall never be rich. Round and round went his thoughts like oxen over a threshing floor, treading out the grain. Gradually the chaff flew away. Suddenly the corn of conviction gathered small and hard upon the floor. As he sat thinking, Helena leaned across to him and laid her hand on his knee. If I have made things more difficult, she said, her voice harsh with pain, you will forgive me. He started. This was one of the cruel cuts of pain that love gives, filling the eyes with blood. Siegmund stiffened himself. Slowly he smiled as he looked at her childish, plaintive lips, and her large eyes haunted with pain. Forgive you, he repeated, forgive you for five days of perfect happiness, the only real happiness I have ever known. Helena tightened her fingers on his knee. She felt herself stinging with painful joy, but one of the ladies was looking at her curiously. She leaned back in her place, and turned to watch the shocks of corn strike swiftly in long rows across her vision. Siegmund, also quivering, turned his face to the window, where the rotation of the wide sea-flat helped the movement of his thought. Helena had interrupted him. She had bewildered his thoughts from their hawking, so that they struck here and there wildly among small pitiful prey that was useless, conclusions which only hindered the bringing home of the final convictions. What will she do? cried Siegmund. What will she do when I am gone? What will become of her? See she has no aim in life, then she will have no object. Is it any good my going, if I leave her behind? What an inextricable knot this is! But what will she do? It was a question she had aroused before, a question which she could never answer. Indeed it was not for him to answer. He wound through the pass of the south-downs. A Siegmund looking backward saw the northern slope of the downs swooping smoothly in a great broad bosom of swad down to the body of the land. He warmed with sudden love for the earth. There the great downs were, naked like a breast, leaning kindly to him. The earth is always kind. It loves us and would foster us like a nurse. The downs were big and tender and simple. Siegmund looked at the farm, folded in a hollow, and he wondered what fortune at folk were there, nourished and quiet, hearing the vague roar of the train that was carrying him home. Up towards Arundel the cornfields of red wheat were heavy with gold. It was evening when the green of the trees went out, leaving dark shapes proud upon the sky. But the red wheat was forged in the sunset, hot and magnificent. Siegmund almost gloated as he smelled the ripe corn, and opened his eyes to its powerful radiation. For a moment he forgot everything, amid the forging of red fields of gold in the smithy of the sunset. Like sparks, poppies blew along the railway banks, a crimson train. Siegmund waited through the meadows for the next wheat field. It came like the lifting of yellow hot metal out of the gloom of darkened grasslands. Helena was reassured by the glamour of evening over ripe Sussex. She breathed the land now and then, while she watched the sky. The sunset was stately. The blue-eyed day, with great limbs, having fought its victory and won, now mounted triumphant on its pyre, and with white arms up lifted, took the flames, which leaped like blood about its feet. The day died nobly, so she thought. One gold cloud, as an encouragement tossed to her, followed the train. Surely that cloud is for us, said she, as she watched it anxiously. Dark trees brushed between it and her while she waited in suspense. It came unswerving from behind the trees. I am sure it is for us, she repeated. A gladness came into her eyes. Still the cloud followed the train. She leaned forward to Siegmund and pointed out the cloud to him. She was very eager to give him a little of her faith. It has come with us quite a long way. Doesn't it seem to you to be travelling with us? It is the golden hand. It is the good omen. She then proceeded to tell him the legend from Aylwin. And listened and smiled. The sunset was handsome on his face. Helena was almost happy. I am right, said he to himself. I am right in my conclusions, and Helena will manage by herself afterwards. I am right. There is the hand to confirm it. The heavy train settled down to an easy unbroken stroke, swinging like a greyhound over the level northwards. All the time Siegmund was mechanically thinking the well-known movement from the valkyrie ride, his whole self beating to the rhythm. It seemed to him that there was a certain grandeur in this flight, but it hurt him with its heavy insistence of catastrophe. He was afraid. He had to summon his courage to sit quiet. For a time he was reassured. He believed he was going on towards the right end. He hunted through the country and the sky, asking of everything, Am I right? Am I right? He did not mind what happened to him so long as he felt it was right. What he meant by right, he did not trouble to think, but the question remained. For a time he had been reassured.  The sun had gone down. Over the west was a gush of brightness as the fountain of light bubbled lower. The stars, like specks of froth from the foaming of the day, clung to the blue ceiling. Like spiders they hung overhead, while the hosts of the gold atmosphere poured out of the hive by the western low door. Soon the hive was empty, a hollow dome of purple, with here and there on the floor a bright brushing of wings, a village. Then overhead the luminous star spider began to run. Ah, well, thought Seekman, he was tired. If one bee dies in a swarm, what is it, so long as the hive is all right? Apart from the gold light, and the hum and the colour of day, what was I? Nothing. Apart from these rushings out of the hive, along with swarm, into the dark meadows of night, gathering God knows what, I was a pebble. Well, the day will swarm in golden again, with colour on the wings of every bee, and humming in each activity. The gold and the colour and sweet smell and the sound of life, they exist, even if there is no bee. It only happens we see the iridescence on the wings of a bee. It exists whether or not, bee or no bee. Since the iridescence and the humming of life are always, and since it was they who made me, then I am not lost. At least I do not care. If the spark goes out, the essence of the fire is there in the darkness. What does it matter? Besides I have burned bright, I have laid up a fine cell of honey somewhere. I wonder where? We can never point to it, but it is so. What does it matter then? They had entered the north-downs, and were running through dorking towards Leatherhead. Box Hill stood dark in the dusky sweetness of the night. Helena remembered that here she and Segment had come for their first walk together. She would like to come again. Presently she saw the quick stilettos of stars on the small baffled river. They ran between high embankments. Segment reflected that these were covered with roses of Sharon, the large golden St. John's wort of finest silk. He looked and could just distinguish the full-blown delicate flowers ignored by the stars. At last he had something to say to Helena. "'Do you remember?' he asked, the roses of Sharon all along here. "'I do,' replied Helena. Glad he spoke so brightly. Weren't they pretty?' After a few moments of watching the bank she said, "'Do you know I have never gathered one. I think I should like to. I should like to feel them, and they should have an orangey smell.' He smiled without answering. She glanced up at him, smiling brightly. "'But shall we come down here in the morning and find some?' she asked. She put the question timidly. "'Would you care to?' she added. Segment darkened and frowned. Here was the pain revived again. "'No,' he said gently, "'I think we had better not.'" Almost for the first time he did not make a apologetic explanation. Helena turned to the window and remained looking out at the spinning of the lights of the towns without speaking, until they were near Sutton. Then she rose and pinned on her hat, gathering her gloves and her basket. She was, in spite of herself, slightly angry. Being quite ready to leave the train, she sat down to wait for the station. Segment was aware that she was displeased, and again for the first time he said to himself, "'Ah, well, it must be so.'" She looked at him. He was sad. Therefore she softened instantly. "'At least,' she said doubtfully, "'I shall see you at the station.'" "'At Waterloo,' he asked. "'No at Wimbledon,' she replied in her metallic tone. "'But,' he began, "'it will be the best way for us,' she interrupted, in the calm tone of conviction. Much better than crossing London from Victoria to Waterloo.' "'Very well,' he replied. He looked up a train for her in his little timetable. "'You will get in Wimbledon ten-five. Leave ten-forty. Leave Waterloo eleven-thirty,' he said. "'Very good,' she answered. The brakes were grinding. They waited in a burning suspense for the train to stop. "'If only she will soon go,' thought Segment. It was an intolerable minute. She rose. Everything was a red blur. She stood before him, pressing his hand. Then he rose to give her the bag. As he leaned upon the window-frame, and she stood below on the platform looking up at him, he could scarcely breathe. "'How long will it be?' he said to himself, looking at the open carriage-doors. He hated intensely the lady who could not get a porter to remove her luggage. He could have killed her. He could have killed the Dilletry Guard. At last the doors slammed and the whistle went. The train started imperceptibly into motion. "'Now I lose her,' said Segment. She looked up at him. Her face was white and dismal. "'Goodbye, then,' she said, and she turned away. Segment went back to his seat. He was relieved. But he trembled with sickness. We are all glad when intense moments are done with. But why did she fling round in that manner, stopping the keen note short? What would she do?' Chapter 21 Recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey.


So, that is what we will try to do. We will try to look at these sort of time varying processes whether it is cytoskeleton, motors or even simple chemical reactions. So, what we will start off today is just by setting up the machinery corresponding to chemical reactions and then we will apply to these sort of systems next class ok. So, if I think of chemical reactions, what this involves is the changes in the numbers of reacting molecules. So, you have some species let us say some protein and as time goes on you will have changes in the numbers of these proteins inside the cell for example. There could be changes in time as well as in space right. The protein concentrations if I am thinking of proteins they need not be uniform inside the cell, they need not be uniform in time. The time part we saw in the first slide whereas, the cell cycle progresses the number of copies change, but it is also could be localized in certain areas whether protein is particularly needed. So, it is in principle the function of both space and time. So, we denote this the relevant variable that we will try to work with is this concentration which is a function of space as well as that of time. And the thing to realize is that we will talk about these concentrations. So, the moment we say that we will talk about concentrations what we are saying is that there are enough number of copies of that molecule such that fluctuations are relatively small. If there are only one or two copies then you cannot really write down sort of things that I will write down. You then have to look at trajectories of these individual molecules in time and in space. So, stochastic trajectories and then analyze the trajectories themselves. So, if the numbers are very small so that the fluctuations sort of overwhelm the averages then you have to deal with different then there are different methods. And again if these are not uniform you have to sort of think about what is a global concentration of for example, if a protein is a membrane protein it will not be found inside the cells. If I have a protein which is a transmembrane protein like this, talking about a concentration throughout the cell volume does not make any sense. One has to talk about local concentrations relevant to the area where that protein is found to be localized. So, in general we have this c of r comma t which is my concentration variable. So, for the time being what I will do is that assume that there are no spatial variations these proteins or whatever I am talking about these are well mixed. So, if I think that they are well mixed and everywhere it is sort of homogeneous then I drop the space and I just write the concentration in terms of time. I will relax this constraint in subsequent classes to look at how to deal with systems that vary both in space and in time. But for the time being let us just start off by assuming that there are no spatial variations and I can write down these rate equations simply by looking at fluctuations in time. So, if I have multiple species all interacting with each other I can write down rate equations like this dc dt the change rate of change of concentration that will in principle depend on the concentrations of all other species that interacts with and various rate constants. So, I will start off with a simple example. So, this is for example, protein called retinal this is found in the rod cells of your eyes the rods and cone cells it is important for color perception and it is sort of found in two states one is called this all trans state and the other is called this 13th cis trait and there is some sort of an energy barrier to go from one of these states to another. So, if I am I was thinking about just let us say any one of these states let us say this all trans state and I asked that what is the rate of and there is some rate at which this all trans goes to this third this other conformation the 13th cis. Then I could write down a rate equation for this all trans conformation which is something like this it is sort of decays from this state to that state it decays from this state to that state with some rate constant k and I therefore, write down the concentration of this protein the concentration of this protein it is minus k times c. So, the rate of decay is proportional to the concentration itself the number of protein copies that you have and this constant the rate constant I call as k. It is something very basic and then of course, this will have a solution c is c naught e to the power of minus d by tau where tau the characteristic time is just the inverse of the rate constant. You can think of this as sort of a trajectory picture that you start from one conformation and at some random time this will switch over to this other conformation and you could have different trajectories. So, this sigma t are my trajectories. So, it starts off at this one concentration at this one conformation and then at some time it switches over to this other conformation. So, if you repeated this experiment multiple times or if you looked at multiple copies of this protein this time at which it transforms from this one state to this other state is going to be a random stochastic event. So, at some time ti for this ith copy of the protein it is going to go from 1 to 0. So, that is my trajectory picture and then again you can construct. So, if I say that at each time it has a probability k delta t of making a transition from this state a to state b then I can estimate that what is the probability that it goes from this state to this state and within this time interval t to t plus delta t and that is again this e to the power of minus t by tau 1 by tau delta t right. So, again it is like the same thing. So, if k delta t is the probability of transforming then 1 minus k delta t is the probability that it stays in that state it stays in that state for some n steps and then in the final step it makes a transformation this n is just n is just t by delta t and then if you sum that up you will get this the probability that it makes this transition in this time interval t to t plus delta t. So, if it is a sort of equivalent description it could either write it in terms of this concentrations or you could write think of this in terms of these trajectories or if you want it. So, remember I had these two states which were all trans all trans and this 13 cis. So, what I did initially was to write this concentration profile of any one of these which is minus k c, but I could also write the concentric. So, let us say this is a like the concentration of this other one if I call that v that is simply the inverse of this k c. So, whenever this decays I have a growth in this other one. So, these are sort of couple and in principle I could write a coupled equation between these as well. I could also think of slightly more complicated reactions like the Sligen receptor complexes again I can think of this from this rate equation perspective that if I have two molecules let us say as ligand and a receptor and they interact together to form this sligen receptor complex. Again I could write down equations for these concentrations of free ligands concentrations of free receptors and then concentrations of this sligen receptor complexes. So, for example, I could write D C A B D T which is this complex depends on the concentration of A and the product of the concentrations of A and B and some sort of constant K. So, these are things that we have looked at earlier using a different sort of language two state language this ligand receptor complexes all these ion channels, but we could equivalently frame these in terms of this kinetics. So, for example, this is an ion channel gating which again exists in two states an open state or a closed state and there is some rate of conversion from the open state to the closed state and the closed state to the open back to the open state with rate constants K plus and K minus and again you could write down what is the probability to find an ion channel in the open state D P 0 D D that is so, it goes from the open to the closed state with this rate K plus.  There is a probability of the ion channel being in the open state this is the probability of the ion channel being in the closed state and again you can solve this equation simply by saying that this P C is nothing, but 1 minus P 0 its ion channel can only exist in either an open state or a closed state and then it just becomes a one variable equation and you can solve that and that will give you some answers. So, the probability to find the ion channel in the open state goes like this, this K minus divided by K plus plus K minus plus this term which decays the function of time. So, if you waited long enough you would see this sort of a probability, but what this sort of a framework allows you to do is that it allows you to sort of say what is the full time dependence. So, you do not need to make steady state approximation which is just this, but you could write down the full time time dependence of this probability of the open state provided you give me the initial conditions. Another thing that we had looked at initially when we were talking about this equilibrium versus non-equilibrium was this sort of equilibrium in subsystem sort of a thing. So, let me just So, if you recall we had this we had looked at this sort of an equation A going to B going to C with some rates say K plus and K minus and some rate R and we had said that if these if this part of the equation was happened very fast. So, if this was a fast timescale process whereas, this was a slow timescale process then you could see that this A and B sort of achieve an equilibrium amongst themselves whereas. So, this A and B achieve an equilibrium amongst themselves and then they sort and then they evolve to their final steady state. So, I will just try to so, this I had just stated at that time. So, I will try to look at an equation like this and sort of work out write down the rate equations for these three species and try to work out what this condition for rapid equilibrium means in this context. So, again just to say that this these reactions are happen on a fast timescale which means these rate constants K plus and K minus are much much greater than this slow timescale rate constant the R ok. So, I have a separation of timescales. So, 1 by K plus 1 by K minus are much smaller than 1 over R and let us say I need to start from an initial condition. So, let me say that at time t equal to 0 I simply had A and I did not have anything else. So, B and C were 0 I start with simply A and that I have just normalized to 1. So, then I can write down the rate equations for these three species. So, d A d t d B d t and d C d t I am just writing A think of these as concentrations. So, these are the concentrations of these three species and I can write down the rate equations for each of these. So, for example, for A what would it be it would. So, A decays to B with a rate K plus So, it is minus K plus concentration of A and then B decays to A with a rate K minus. So, plus of K minus concentration of B. Similarly for B I have a growth I have a growth term from A K plus A I have a decay term which is like this K minus B and then there is a further decay which is to C. So, minus R times and the C simply grows like R times right. So, for B I have these two decay processes 1 to A and 1 to C this one with a rate K minus the other one with a rate R and the C I assume just simply grows there is no decay. So, it just grows with a rate R. So, these are my equations that describe this sort of a process where I have the separation of time scales ok. So, before I do anything let me just define dimensionless time scaled time. So, let me define a new time which is like K minus D. So, what this means is that I will just write everything in terms of this capital D. So, D A D T is equal to minus K times A plus B. So, I am sort of dividing everything by K minus over here. So, K minus into T is capital T, K plus by K minus let me call as K and this is K minus by K minus. So, it becomes 1. Similarly, D B D T over here is plus K A minus B plus let me call this as epsilon minus epsilon and D C D T is epsilon. So, my K is nothing, but K plus by K minus K plus by K minus and my epsilon is R by K minus this R by K minus I just call it epsilon.  So, this is much much less than that. Let me just write this as let me just group this together. So, let me just write this as 1 plus epsilon. So, I will try to solve this set of equations, this set of coupled equations. To do that the first thing I notice is that these two equations do not involve this concentration C of the species C right. So, I can solve them independently. So, that is what I will try to do I just try to solve this A and B thing first. So, let me just write it in sort of a matrix form D D T of this is capital D D D T of A comma D this is equal to minus K 1 K minus 1 plus epsilon into A comma A. So, I have just taken these first two equations and I just wrote it down in a matrix form. So, then I can write down the general solution of this the A as a function of T and B as a function of T this is a 2 plus 2 matrix. So, it will have two eigenvalues and two eigenvectors. So, I can just write down in terms of these let us say some constant into eigenvector 1 A 1 B 1 e to the power of omega 1 T. Plus some constant A 2 B 2 e to the power of omega right where omega 1 and omega 2 are my eigenvalues and this A 1 B 1 is one eigenvector A 2 B 2 is another eigenvector. So, what are the eigenvalues of this matrix? So, I need to solve. So, this I will not do you can just do. So, I need to solve determinant of this minus K minus lambda 1 K minus 1 plus epsilon minus lambda equal to 0 to find out the eigenvalues and if you do this hopefully you will find that the eigenvalues are this. So, the eigenvalues of this equation are lambda 1 is minus epsilon into K by 1 plus K and lambda 2 is minus 1 plus K. So, this just do and check that you get these eigenvalues out of the 2 cross 2 matrix. So, what this immediately says is that note that K is roughly of order 1 K let us say K plus and K minus are comparable to each other. So, this is of order 1 which means that this eigenvalue lambda 2 is of order 1 whereas, this eigenvalue lambda 1 is of is of order epsilon which is much much smaller than 1 right. So, therefore, I have a slow rate which is over here corresponding to this lambda 1 and I have a fast rate over here corresponding to this lambda 2 which is what comes out once I have put once I made this assumption that this epsilon is much much less than 1. I get these two timescales lambda 1 and lambda 2 a fast scale and a slow scale. You can now find out also the eigenvectors this is a 2 cross 2 matrix again I will not do it, but you can check that eigenvectors are say a 1 b 1 is 1 K and a 2 b 2 is 1 minus 1 is 1 and minus 1. So, corresponding to these two eigenvalues you can find the eigenvectors and this is what you should get like one eigenvector is 1 comma K the other is 1 comma minus 1. So, I can now put all of this back into this equation.  So, that is my general solution.  So, I had an initial condition that a at 0 b at 0 this was 1 comma 0 and if I put that in then I to match with this a 1 and a 2 then I will get some solution for a 1 which is 1 by K plus 1 which is 1 by K plus 1 and something for a 2 which is K by K plus 1. So, that is basically my final solution once I have taken into account the initial conditions and everything. So, this is my final solution for a and b. So, I have these two timescales right I have these two timescales let us say tau 1 is 1 by lambda 1 and tau 2 is 1 by lambda 2. So, 1 by 1 plus K this is 1 plus K by epsilon K. So, when I am in a time regime where this where my time is greater than this tau 2 right, but smaller than this tau 1 in that case I can sort of drop this term this this exponential will not matter so much and what I will get for these concentrations of a's and b's is that a t b t a of t b of t is simply 1 by K plus 1 e to the power of minus K epsilon by 1 plus K t and K by K plus 1. So, what this says is that very quickly after this time this a and b come to a fixed ratio of each other. So, this a t by b t is always this factor K right and then they continue to evolve in this fashion. So, they there is still a time dependence of course, but the relative ratios a divided by b is always fixed is always fixed to 1 over K once your time t is greater than this tau 2. So, very quickly they come to an equilibrium amongst themselves and then they continue to evolve in the in some fashion. So, that was what gave us this gave us this curve. So, this time the time that it takes for this a and b to reach equilibrium amongst themselves is this time tau 2 and after that they continue in a fixed ratio and then to find the full time evolution you can of course, look at this full equation and once we have the time evolution of b you can also of course, solve for this time evolution of c remember dc dt was nothing, but epsilon times the concentration of b which we have anyway now solved. So, this sort of this gives us a way to quantify this concept of rapid equilibrium that we had. What do we mean by this slow and this fast time scales? After what time can I assume this equilibrium to have been reached that is given by this time scale 1 by 1 plus K and after this long time 1 plus K by epsilon K the system will reach a true steady state.