Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, has always hoped that someday she would head her department. But with Mrs. Emma Finch holding down the job for the past five years, it didn't look like Connie Brooks would ever get a crack at it until last week. It was right before the final exams that Mr. Conklin, our principal, told me Mrs. Finch was not only retiring from the position but actually leaving the school. When I asked him why, he blushed and replied, because it's best for all concerned. Oddly enough, it was our bashful biology teacher, Mr. Boynton, who finally told me the reason. We were alone in his laboratory at the time and he said, Miss Brooks, Mrs. Finch is going to have a B-A-B-Y. I guess he put it that way so as not to embarrass some young rabbits who were listening. Anyway, Friday morning at breakfast, I was talking to my landlady, Mrs. Davis, about it. Well, what do you think, Mrs. Davis? Do you suppose I'll get the job? I can't see any reasons why you shouldn't, Connie. Honestly? But can you see any reasons why I should, Mrs. Davis? No, I can't see any of those either. It's up to Mr. Conklin to recommend the new department head to the Board of Education, isn't it? Yes, it is. Well, how do you stand with him? How do you mean, Mrs. Davis? Have you been courteous, cooperative, obedient and respectful? No, no, no. And maybe I better forget the whole thing. Of course it's not entirely up to Mr. Conklin's opinion of me personally. My work's got something to do with it, hasn't it? Frankly, Connie, your work should have everything to do with it. That's what I say. Maybe I better forget the whole thing. Are there any other English teachers at Madison who have been there as long as you have? Let's see. Yes, Miss Enright's been there about the same length of time, and she's been quite friendly with Mr. Conklin, too. Of course I have Mr. Conklin's daughter Harriet in my class, and we're great friends. Then that wouldn't influence Mr. Conklin, any. Although Harriet's a pretty good pupil, thank goodness, and her marks have all been exceptionally high. That might count for something with the old, I wonder if he'll make his decision right away. He might leave the position open for a while. I wish I knew, but then there's no sense in brooding about it. I'm either to be head of the department or I'm not to be. Oh, thanks for reminding me, Connie. I must get two tickets for Hamlet today. I promise my sister Angela I take her to see it. Of course, even if I forgot about it, she'd probably never even mention it. She's so absent-minded, poor thing. The older she gets, the more forgetful she is. How old is she now, Mrs. Davis? Two. Your sister. Which one? Angela, the absent-minded one. Oh, she's in the low 70s. That's pretty good golf for an old lady. Angela's not half as bad as my brother Victor. He's so forgetful sometimes. Why do you know, Connie? He can be talking to you about something and right in the middle of the sentence get off on another topic altogether. Really? Yes, it's quite disconcerting, but I guess it's just something that's scramble-borrowed of pride, Connie. Well, I suppose you just have to... What? Dear, how would you like them? I'd like them introduced into the conversation a little earlier.  Then we'll both have oatmeal. That's the only way to eat eggs. Whatever you do, don't miss snakeshit. Where's the coffee, Mrs. Davis? Right here, Connie. I'll pour you some. Thanks.  It's the additional income. How much of a raise will you get, Connie? Oh, I'm not certain of the exact amount, Mrs. Davis, but it's well over $9 a month. Just think, I won't have to put newspapers in my shoes when the souls wear out. Now I can use magazine paper. You mentioned the Miss N right before, Connie. Is that the rather snooty teacher you told me about? That's her, Mrs. Davis. And if she gets that job as head of the English department, she'll be impossible. What she walks around the school now is if she's inspecting the stockyard. When she talks to people, why, darling, you look positively chic. I mean, just too, too terribly swan-yay. It's sickening. Oh, then don't eat any more oatmeal, dear. Just finish your coffee. You've been derailed again, Mrs. Davis. Let me help you back on the track. I'm talking about Miss Enright, a rival English teacher. She's got me worried. Oh, don't worry about her, Connie. I'm sure her baby will be a fine, healthy specimen. She isn't the one who's going to have the baby, Mrs. Davis. Well, that's a shame. I think the mother should always take care of her own baby, no matter what. It's Mrs. Finch who's having the baby. Who? Mrs. Finch. Oh, well, that's a very nice name for a baby. Now, if you'll excuse me, Connie, I've got to clean up the dishes. All right, Mrs. Davis, you clean up the dishes and I'll clean up the conversation by myself. I'd help you in the kitchen, but I've got to get ready to go to school. Walter Den's picking me up any minute. Walter's such a nice boy. It's a pity he's not a more brilliant student. But I think I know of his trouble, his, Connie. Lack of concentration. Concentration? Yes. If he would just concentrate on one subject at a time. You see, he's the kind of a boy who, well, he's the type that... Connie. Yes? What were we talking about?  What happened to your car, Connie? You just got it out of the repair shop. I know, Mrs. Davis, but I took it out the night of the big freeze. And? It froze. I did try to warm it up a little. I poured some boiling water into the radiator, but then the engine made the strangest sound. What kind of a sound, Connie? I may be wrong, Mrs. Davis, but I'd swear it said, why don't you get yourself a bicycle? I'm glad you picked me up a little early this morning, Walter. Today may be a very important day in my life. Well, the importance of today or any day in your life, Miss Brooks, is only exceeded by your importance to your adoring pupils, of which, if I may be so bold, I consider myself one of the most worshipful and reverent. Amen. Thank you, Walter. Here are things about you, Miss Brooks. Character traits, I guess you'd call them, which are not to be found in any other teachers I've ever come into contact with.  I also know that you're kind, gentle, and considerate of those who may not possess a superior mentality, which is obviously your birthright. What else do you know, Walter? That today you're giving us the final exams in English. I thought you were a little over smitten with me this morning. Oh, I'm not trying to influence you to give me a better mark. Oh, no, I'd bend over backwards rather than curry favor. But I've actually studied for this test, Miss Brooks. Even Saturday, when Harriet dragged me to the movies, I took my books right up to the balcony with me. What were you studying, Romeo and Juliet? Ah, you're kidding me, Miss Brooks, but I'm serious. I really crammed in that movie. But how could you read in the dark? Oh, it isn't always dark. They have a three-minute intermission between pictures. Well, that's plenty of time, especially if you were studying in shorthand. Of course, not knowing exactly what the questions are going to be about makes it a little tougher. Naturally? Sort of a strain on a student, not to know approximately the nature of the questions he should expect. That's true. And just because a student has been fortunate enough to make a personal contact with a teacher whom he not only admires and respects as a person, but who's integrity and honesty as an instructor he holds in such high esteem is no reason for him to presume that just because he drives at a school faithfully and promptly she would relinquish just one tiny iota of that integrity and slip him a little advanced information about the test. Is it? You're so right, Walter. I knew you'd react that way, Miss Brooks, but I just wouldn't have felt completely honest with myself if I didn't try to chisel a tip or two. Anyway, now that you've dummied up about the tests, maybe we... Excuse me, Walter. Now that I've what? A dummied up. It's a synonym of clammed up. When I don't want anyone to know something about something I know about, I always clam up. And you're the chowder head who can do it. But, Walter, when I mentioned much earlier in the trip that this was an important day, I wasn't referring to the final exam. You weren't? No, I was thinking of Mrs. Finch. Oh, oh, the head of the English department? The ex-head of the English department, Walter. Mrs. Finch is leaving Madison. Why? Because she's... Well, Mrs. Finch is going to become a mother. Of who? Now that's a fair question. Of her son or daughter, the case may be. I didn't know Mrs. Finch had any son or daughter. Walter, you're not related to Mrs. Davis, are you? Oh, no. No, of course not. She's just absent-minded. Look, Walter, what concerns me at the moment is whether or not I have a chance to replace Mrs. Finch as head of the department. A chance?  You've been teaching at Madison long enough to be the principal. I mean, Mr. Conklin should certainly choose you over anybody else. How about Miss Enright? Oh, gee, I forgot about her.  Oh, he had point of service, that is. Oh, I'm glad you tagged that on, Walter. Nobody could be older than me in years. Not this morning, anyway. Why don't you worry about it, Miss Brooks? But why don't you see Mr. Conklin when we get to school and have a little chat with him? You know, turn on the charm, sort of. You mean butter him up? Butter him up? Yes, and don't sound so innocent, Walter. After the job you did on me this morning, you should get a prize from the Derryman's Association. Starring Eve Arden will continue in just a moment. But first, here is Vern Smith. Regardless of age, skin type, or previous beauty care, doctors prove you too may win a lovelier complexion with palm olive soap. But to win this lovelier complexion, you must start improper cleansing. Instead, use palm olive the way doctors advised. Thirty-six doctors, leading skin specialists, advised using palm olive soap this way for 1,285 women with all types of skin. Young, old, dry, oily, normal. And using palm olive soap alone, nothing but palm olive, two out of three won lovelier complexions. Oily skin looked less oily. Dull, drab skin, wonderfully brighter. Course-looking skin appeared finer. Even tiny blemishes incipient blackheads disappeared or improved. Now here's what the doctors advised.  Massage with palm olive's wonderful beauty lather to 60 seconds each time to get its full, beautifying effect. Then rinse. Look for improvement in your complexion within 14 days. For doctors prove this way, using palm olive alone really works. So forget all other beauty care. Get palm olive soap and start today to win a lovelier complexion. For loveliness all over, use big, thrifty bath size palm olives in your tub or shower. Here we are, Miss Brooks. Good ol' Madison High. You know, every time I look at these hallowed walls, I wish for just one thing. What's that, Walter? I wish I was still home in bed. Especially today with those finals coming up. Gosh, Miss Brooks, isn't there some little suggestions you could make to me so I'd pass you exam? Certainly there is, Walter. Answer the questions correctly. Yeah. Well, you better get off here, Miss Brooks, and I'll go park the car. All right, Walter, thanks for the lift. Good luck today. Good luck, Miss Brooks. And good luck with Mr. Conklin. You know, probably needed. I hope he's in a good mood this morning. Although why this morning should be any better. Hello, Miss Brooks. Oh, it's Harriet Conklin. Good morning, Harriet. I wouldn't have interrupted your soliloquy, but you look sort of worried about something. Worried? Me? Whatever gave you that idea? Your complexion. It's not as ruddy as it usually is. Oh, that's just from the new powder base I'm using. It's called Elephant Wallow Gray. Actually, though, I do have something on what's left of my mind, Harriet. It's Mrs. Spintz. She's leaving the school. Yes, I know. I heard she was going to have a B-A-B-Y. Who told you? Mr. Boynton. That figure. But Harriet, as you must know, you've always been one of my favorite pupils. I'm glad you feel that way, Miss Brooks. You're my very favorite teacher. Thanks. I'm very fond of your mother, too. I know. And she's terribly fond of you, Miss. I'm glad. Then there's your father. Yes, I know. Well, Harriet, do you think that... I was going to... Well, that is... Well, what are you trying to ask me, Miss Brooks? Do you think he's warm enough for buttering this morning? At least you think I should have a little talk with him in his office. About what? Well, somebody's got to replace Mrs. Finch as head of the English department, and I figured... But, of course, you'll get it. Is that from the horse's mouth or just rumor? I mean, did you happen to overhear anything that... Look, Harriet, I don't want anybody to intercede for me because of any personal relationship we may have built up between us. What I'm trying to say is, well, I wouldn't want any principal's daughter, not even a clever, bright, pretty, industrious, talented, intelligent one like yourself to become a fifth column for me. Golly, Miss Brooks, nothing I could say would sway Daddy one inch. In fact, Mother and I bend over backwards rather than suggest anything about his duties at school. But I'm so sure you're our next head of the English department that I've even written a little poem about it. Care to hear it? Well, if you don't think it'll put the whammy on me. Uh, jinx anything. Right. To the head of the English department about to be, I present this little tribute to you from me. In class you're good tempered and don't fume or fret, but when it comes to our homework, you sure make us perspire. And in the forthcoming exams, whether I'm first or last, my feelings for you will be the same, especially if I've passed. So Miss Brooks all hailed the head of the English department about to be. Well, what do you think of it, Miss Brooks? It won't send Carl Sandberg screaming into the hills, Harriet. It's a lovely sentiment. Now, before I go into your father's lair, a den, an office, could you tell me what kind of a mood he's in? Frankly, Miss Brooks, it isn't too good. When the news boy that delivers our paper came around for the money this morning, Daddy bit his head off. Fine, then he should be too full to take a bite out of me. Thank you, Mr. Conklin. Oh, it's you, Miss Brooks. And how are you this bright, cheery, radiant day? I'm cold, damp, and depressed. Now, what can I do for you that won't take longer than a few minutes? Oh, it isn't what you can do for me, Mr. Conklin. It's what can I do for you. Oh, I know, I'll sharpen some pencils for you. Here's one. Miss Brooks, I don't want you to sharpen any pencils. Oh, but this one is so blunt-y. It'll just take a minute. There. Isn't that a lovely point? But I don't... Give me your thumb a minute. Ow! See what I mean? Now, I'll just do a few more of them. And you'll have enough for the week. Confound it, Miss Brooks. I don't want any more of my pencil sharp. Oh, it's really no trouble at all, Mr. Conklin. This is just one of those days when a person feels privileged to assist his fellow man. A day when a spirit of cooperation seems to beckon like a beacon. Or a day when Mrs. Finch is leaving Madison and her position as head of the English department. Mrs. Finch leaving Madison? Yes. Yes, Miss Brooks. I think I told you that several days ago. Oh, yes, of course. I've been so busy preparing my final examination papers it must have slipped my mind. She's going to have a B-A-B-Y, isn't she? Y-E-S. Oh, yes. She is going to have a baby. Well, I just know they'll be happy together. Now, let's see what else I can do to make this office a home. Away from home for you. I know, I'll just rinse out this pen wiper for you. Uh, that happens to be a blue pocket handkerchief I got for Christmas. Must have fallen out of my coat. Oh, then I'll tuck it back in for you. May I say you have a lovely eye for color combinations, Mr. Conklin? It goes so well with this pretty purple tie you've got on. But it seems a little loose around your neck. Let me tighten it a bit. There. Ms. Brooks. There, that's better. Now you're both the same color. Here, Ms. Brooks, I don't know what you expect to get this. Oh, I must clean off that desk of yours, Mr. Conklin. And why in the world does that big, open inkwell have to be perched right in the middle of everything? Because I like it that way. Now listen to me, young one. I'll have things in shape in no time. First we'll move these papers next to the inkwell and then... Now, where is the inkwell perched, Ms. Brooks? Oh, don't worry about that, Mr. Conklin. Ink is good for the rug. Or is that ashes? Well, anyway, I'll go get a mop and... Now sit down, Ms. Brooks. Sit down? Yes. As you know, I spent considerable time in the army as a major. Yes, I know, Mr. Conklin. And it always gave me a great feeling of security to know that somebody like you... Quiet! Yes, sir, sorry, sir. Eddie. Now, then, Ms. Brooks, from my army experience, it's obvious to me that you are bucking for something. Bucking, Mr. Conklin? It's a colloquialism, Ms. Brooks. It means that in order to gain some end of your own, you are acting like an eager beaver. Want some pencil sharpener? No! Tell you the truth, Mr. Conklin. I just wanted to butter you up. Now what? Come in. Conklin. Well, well, it's Ms. Enron. Oh, and Ms. Brooks is here, too. How nice. Darling, you look positively chic. I mean just too, too terribly swan-y. Thanks, loads. But what are you doing in school so early, darling?  You must have telescopic vision to see me from the bus. You're just catching at that time. What can I do for you, Ms. Enron? Oh, it isn't what you can do for me, Mr. Conklin. It's what can I do for you. Oh, I know. I'll sharpen some pencils for you, Mr. Conklin. Thanks. Just the same, Ms. Enron. Or maybe I could straighten out your desk. Oh, heavens, what happened to this inkwell? I already straightened out his desk. Well, don't worry about it, Mr. Conklin. I'm sure you can pick up another rug like that for five or six hundred dollars. Oh, before I forget, I'd like you to have these woollen socks. I knitted them myself. But, Ms. Enron, I don't... It was a labor of love, Mr. Conklin. I worked on these socks just every available moment. I wasn't faithfully discharging my duties as an English teacher. They're merely a slight expression of my gratitude for having been granted the privilege of working for such a warm, kindly and considerate boss as yourself. This kid melts it before she spreads it on. Thank you for the thought, Ms. Enron, but with Mrs. Finch leaving Madison in a number of... Oh, is she really? Well, this is a big surprise. It must be. You look even more surprised than you did when we heard about it last Tuesday. That will do, Ms. Brooks. Ms. Enron, in view of the fact that you are eligible for the position that Mrs. Finch is relinquishing, I feel that I cannot accept this pair of socks. But, Mr. Conklin, whatever shall I do with them? You can give one to Mrs. Finch's baby. It'll make a nice sleeping bag for him. I think you should know, ladies, that my selection will be based largely upon the results your students achieve in their final exams this morning. Therefore, you will not mark your own papers, but bring them into this office immediately after the tests are completed. Are you going to mark them, Mr. Conklin? Certainly not, Ms. Brooks. My daughter Harriet is one of the students taking the test. No. No, in order to assure complete impartiality, I've asked someone from another department to correct the papers, Mr. Boynton. Mr. Boynton? Oh, I know that you see each other socially on occasion, but he's the soul of honesty. And I know that he, like myself, would bend over backwards to see that justice is done. Who's teaching everybody to bend over backwards, Arthur Murray? Well, I don't think this arrangement is completely fair, Mr. Conklin. I never see Mr. Boynton. Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Miss Enright, I'm not going to see him again, either, until lunch. If you'll just tell me what you want, Miss Brooks, I'll take your trade. No, I'm too nervous to eat anything right now, Mr. Boynton. I'll wait until I find out the result of this morning's exam, the one you're marking, Mr. Boynton. Oh, well, that's something I'd rather not talk about, Miss Brooks. You see, I promised Mr. Conklin... I know you've got to be strictly impartial, Mr. Boynton, but couldn't you give me just an inkling of how I'm making out? Well, I gave my word, Miss Brooks. Just a teensy suggestion of the merest trace of a breath of a hint. But I gave Mr. Conklin my scouts' honor. Well, and you might as well get yourself something to eat. Oh, very well, Miss Brooks. And I hope you swallow a merit-bed. Dear Mr. Boynton... Oh, hello, Miss Enright. May I share this table with you? The cafeteria is awfully crowded today. Why, I don't see why not, Miss Enright. I do. Uh-oh. Hello, darling. Oh, Mr. Boynton, before I forget, I'd like you to have these woollen socks. I knitted them especially for you. I don't think I should, Miss Enright. You see, I'm still judging your examination papers, but thanks just the same. Now, if you'll tell me what you'd like to eat. Well, let me see. Oh, I see they have turkey today. Would you get me a drumstick, Mr. Boynton? Why don't you get two drumsticks and put the socks on them? Miss Brooks, Miss Enright, I've summoned you to my office to tell you that Mr. Boynton has finished grading the examination papers and has reported to me that both of your classes have done equally well. Therefore, it will have to be my decision after all. And that decision is? Dear Mr. Conklin. I have decided... Yes, dear Mr. Conklin. I have decided that for the coming fiscal year, I shall save the Board of Education exactly $9.85 per month. There will be no head of the English department in this school. Pauling, what in the world are you doing? Just breaking some of the pencils I sharpened this morning. Brooks returns in just a moment, but first... Dream of beautiful luster cream, girl. Tonight, show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a luster cream shampoo. Only luster cream brings UK Dumont's magic formula blend of secret ingredients plus gentle lanolin. Gives loveliness lather even in hardest water. Glamourizes your hair as you wash it. Luster cream, not a soap, not a liquid, but a dainty cream shampoo leaves hair fragrantly clean, free of loose dandruff, glistening with sheen, soft, manageable. Gives new beauty to all hairdos or permanents. Four ounce jar, $1. Smaller sizes, either tubes or jars. Tonight, try luster cream shampoo and be a... Dream, girl, dream, girl. Beautiful luster cream, girl. You owe your crowning glory to... a luster cream shampoo. And now, once again, here is our Miss Brooks. Well, I was a little depressed about not getting the job as head of the English department, but I perked up the following night when Mr. Boyden came by and took me to the movies. As he got to the theater, he stepped up to the box office. Er, two tickets, please. Mr. Boyden, let me buy my own ticket. Oh, and Miss Brooks, I wouldn't think of it. Well, that's very nice. You can pay me for yours when we get inside. Thank you, and good night, Diamond Jim Boynton.  Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Burns, written and directed by Al Lewis with music by Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Boynton is played by Jeff Chandler, Mr. Conklin, by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Gloria McMillan, and Mary Jane Croft. Here's Good Shaving News. Three men out of every four can get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves with Pamalic Brushless Shaving Cream. This is not just a claim. Here's the proof. 1,297 men tried the Pamalic Brushless way to shave, described on the tube. And no matter how they shaved before, three men out of every four got more comfortable, actually smoother shaves. Try Pamalic Brushless yourself. See if you don't get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves, the proved Pamalic Brushless way. Here is an important message that concerns all of us. Last year, 26,000 children were stricken by infantile paralysis. All of us can help fight infantile paralysis by joining the March of Dimes now. Send your dimes and dollars to your local March of Dimes headquarters. Don't put it off. Join the March of Dimes today. For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to Mr. and Mrs. North, the exciting, fun-packed adventures of an amateur detective and his beautiful wife. Tune in Tuesday evenings over most of these same stations. And be with us again next week at the same time for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks. Bob LeMond speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcast. Thank you, Bob.