السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم والصلاة والسلام على سيدنا وحبيبنا وشافيعنا وقائدنا وقرأة عيوننا سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبي وسلم يا ربنا لك الحمد كما ينبغي لجلال وجهك وعظيم سلطانك اللهم افتح علينا فتوحة العارفين اللهم علمنا ما ينفعونا وانفعنا بما علمتنا يا رحم الرحيمين today insha Allah we will talk about one of the unique pearls in Islam one of the mothers of the believers the wife of سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم السيدة صافية بنتحوية ابني أخطب سيدة صافية was of the wisest woman she was so very pious very pure very clear she was honorable she was known to be one of the worshippers who سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم said to her إنك لبنة نبي وإن عمك لنبي وإنك لتحت نبي you are the daughter of a prophet and your uncle is a prophet and your husband is a prophet سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم witnessed that she is والله إنها لصادقة he is where by Allah سبحانه وتعالى that she is truthful she was a lover of knowledge, education and she was one of those who narrated the Hadith of سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم she passed away on the year 50 Hijri and she was buried in جنة البقية along with all the mothers of the believers who were buried there let's go on in details before we start about سيدة صافية we have to give a very short brief idea about the Medina at that time so the Jews of the Medina used to look at Islam with hatred and envy the prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم was not one of them so they were waiting that the last prophet be of the Jews but he wasn't and that made them so upset and so angry and they filled their hearts with hatred and another level the Islam the call to Islam was a unique call it got the hearts together so people would love each other which means that the tribes of Medina will be united they will be powerful and the Jews hide their plotting against Muslims and that started at the very beginning when they realized that Islam is going to settle in Medina that Medina will be the city the core of Islam so they could not at that time speak it aloud they kept it secret so they couldn't show their hatred until after some time passed so let's now listen to سيدة صافية one of the pearls of Islam one of the mothers of the believers talking about this hatred to Islam so سيدة صافية رضي الله عنها is the daughter of and the blessed Seerah which ibn Ishaq wrote about صافية رضي الله عنها she said كنت أحب أحب ولد أبي إلي I was the most loved amongst my siblings to my father وإلى عمي أبي أسر and also to my uncle أبي أسر so when Rasul Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم came to Medina and he was in Qiba my father and my uncle went there they went to check something so when they came back it was almost sunset and they were so tired they were so upset and I rushed to them the same that I used to do when I was young when they would go visit anyone else so none of them looked at me and they were so upset they were so sad and I heard my uncle أبي أسر is he the one is he the one and my father said yes I swear he is and my uncle said do you know him? can you prove that? when he said yes and my uncle asked him what do you have towards him what do you think you are doing and he said عدا واتو مو الله مبقيت hating him being his enemy as long as I lived and this was how يبن أخطب lived and trying to kill him and doing anything against him and he lived like this until he died he was killed later on by the Muslims so صفية رضي الله وعنها was listening to the conversation between her father and her uncle and she was listening to the grudge and to the hatred that they both had against سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم she felt something she felt that she had some mercy she felt that there is something in her life in herself deep in her heart telling her and there will be something between herself and this prophet they are hating so this was a witness this story that was told by صفية رضي الله وعنها was a witness how much hatred her father and uncle and all their companions of Jews had سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم so they were plotting against him they were trying to do anything that would that would bother him that they could do anything bad to him so it's worth mentioning here that صفية رضي الله وعنها was a surgeon of a Nabi الله يقوب and she was of the offspring of Haroon prophet Haroon رضي الله وعن and her uncle was سيدنا موسى عليه وسلم the brother of سيدنا Haroon صفية رضي الله وعنها was very wise she was aesthetic she had a pure soul she had a clear soul and she was well known of generosity she was a forgiver she was someone who was so special so let's see how she became the wife of سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم we knew that the Jews had deep enmity to Islam and to سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم and of these Jews were the group of the Jews of خيبر so they were trying to take any chance just to point their arrows against Islam so when the Muslims came back of the Treaty of Habibia so we know that the Quraysh did not allow them to get into Mecca and to to go around the Ka'ba to do the Torah the Jews at that time thought that Prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم didn't accept these harsh conditions except for they were getting weaker and the Muslims are depressed they cannot they cannot do what they want so they tried to get advantage of this point and they thought that they can do something here so they sent to the tribe of غطفان and to the Arabs in the deserts just to get the people together to fight سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم the news reached سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم and he realized that they were trying to fight against them so he did not صلى الله عليه وسلم سيدنا محمد did not wait for the Jews to come to fight him but what he did he asked those who were with him in the desert so there were of course some hypocrites and they didn't want to go so Allah سبحانه وتعالى revealed when he said سيقول المخلفون إذا مطلقتم إلى مغانم لتأخذوها ذرونا نتبعكم سيقول when you set out towards the war booty to take it let's follow you يريدون أن يبدلوا كلامة الله they wish to change the words of Allah قلت تتبيعونا say never will you follow us كذلكم قال الله من قبي this did Allah سبحانه وتعالى say before فسيقولون بل تحسدوننا so their response would be rather you aim for us بل كانوا لا يفقهون إلا قليلا but in fact they were not understanding except a little so what happened سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم decided who to take with him to خيبر so that there will be no hypocrites among them so only those who are willing to go for jihad they are following say those who are going for booties no they are not going with him so only those strong believe so only those strong believing people of the companions went with say the Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم and they were about 1400 of those believers so say the Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم went out to fight the Jews and that was the year 7 of al-Hijra say the Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم was so victorious at that battle it was the battle of خيبر and the hypocrites were were in touch with their Jews leaders so they told them that Muhammad came to you he is headed to you he is going to fight you but don't worry they are they are not as much they are not as much in number the same way you are and they don't have lots of weapons to fight you so don't worry about them but those people who went to خيبر were the true believers and with the army there was the wives of the of the fighters they used to go to help the army to take care of the wounded ones and that was against or not the same as the wives of those who used to go in the non-believers armies they used to go for fun or to urge the men to fight the Muslims but now the army of Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم was strong in faith so before getting before entering خيبر Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم was strong in love so the army all stopped and sayidina Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم made the tuhaab he said اللهم رب السماواتي سبع وما أضل الم oh Allah lord of the seven heavens and all the overshadow they uphold ورب الشياطين وما أضل الم lord of the devils and all they lead astray ورب الرياح وما ذرين lord of the winds and all they scatter أسألك خير هذه القرية وخير أهلها وخير ما فيها I ask you for the goodness of this town and for the goodness of its people and for the goodness it contains وأعوذ بك من شرها وشر أهلها وشر ما فيها I seek refuge in you from its evil from the evil of its people and from the evil it contains the Muslims are now at the borders of khaybar so they spent the night over there and Prophet Muhammad if he used to go if he used to go to fight some people he would not he would not come to them he would not start the fighting until it's in the morning he would not fight at night he would not start it at night so in the morning when the messenger of Allah reached khaybar and the people of khaybar came out with their speeds and when they saw the Prophet they said Muhammad and his army they were surprised to see Muhammad ﷺ arrived to fight them and they returned heartily to take refuge in the fort so the Prophet ﷺ raised his hands and said الله أكبر خريب خيبر الله is great خيبر is ruined if we approach a nation then miserable is the morning of those who are warned so Allah gave a big victory to Muhammad ﷺ and he opened the fort there were so many captives and حيي was one of these captives so now the war ended one of the companions his name was he came to Muhammad ﷺ and he said oh messenger of Allah I want you to give me a slave and a woman of those who were captured so sayidna Muhammad ﷺ agreed and he said go and take one so ديحية one man came to sayidna Muhammad ﷺ and he said to him يا نبي الله أعطيت ديحية صفية لا تصلحو إلا لك يا رسول الله oh messenger of Allah you gave ديحية صفية she is the lady she is the leader of قريضة and such a woman is not to go to anyone except you يا رسول الله and she sent and asked him to bring her so sayidna Muhammad ﷺ when he came with the slave woman he looked at her and he said to her go and take another slave and leave this one so he took another one and sayidna Muhammad ﷺ when the booties were to be distributed he would have one portion of the booty which is called a safi and that might be a slave or a slave woman or a horse he would choose that before the booty is distributed so sayidna Muhammad ﷺ took صفية رضي الله عنها and when the army just came back sayidna Muhammad ﷺ wanted to consume he wanted to get married to صفية and he wanted to consume the marriage but صفية it was only about six miles away from خيبر so صفية refused and she refused so sayidna Muhammad ﷺ of course respected her opinion and he did not do anything so the army just went back until they reached a place called الصحبه and there the marriage took place and صفية says ما من الناس أحد أكره إلي منه no one is more hated to myself than this person than sayidna Muhammad ﷺ why? he killed her father in قريظة and he killed her husband and her people in خيبر she mentioned that to him he knew that and he felt how she feels about him so he kept telling her that her people did so and so and they did so and so and they flooded so and so so their actions just they they were rewarded for their actions they were punished for their actions so he kept telling her that until الله سبحانه وتعالى took away all hatred from herself towards sayidna Muhammad ﷺ so she said انتهيت إلى رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم وما من الناس أحد أكره إلي منه no one was more hated to my heart than him فقال إن قومك يصنعوا كذا وكذا but he told me that two people did so and so فما قمت من مقعده I did not leave my seat وما من الناس أحد أحب إلي منه no one is more loved to my heart than he was so sayidna Muhammad ﷺ gave صفية the choice he can free her and she would go back to her family or she would be a Muslim and she would live her life with him so of course she said I would choose Allah and his messenger so he freed her and that was her Dori and she became one of the wives of sayidna Muhammad ﷺ one of the mothers of the believers so she said يا رسول الله لقد هويت الإسلام I love Islam وصدقت بك and I believe in you and I don't have anyone ومالية في اليهودية أرب I don't care about Judaism ومالي فيها واليد ولا أخم من العطق وأن أرجع إلى قوم I don't have a father I don't have a brother I don't want to go back so this answer just shows us how how wise she was she listened to sayidna Muhammad ﷺ she looked into the situation professionally so she realized where the khayr is she was honorable she was reasonable she was intelligent she was so beautiful so sayidna Muhammad ﷺ asked her ما حملكي على الإنتناي من النزولي أولا why did you refuse to get married immediately for the first time so she said خشيتوا عليك من قرب اليهود she said we were so close to the Jews and I was scared that they might hurt you and this answer gave her much more love gave sayidna Muhammad ﷺ much more love to her he loved her when she was married to sayidna Muhammad ﷺ she was 17 years old and she was nicknamed as أم يحيا so when she came to Medina with sayidna Muhammad ﷺ he was so kind to her and Safiya felt how kind sayidna Muhammad ﷺ and she said ما رأيت قط أحسنة خلقا من رسولي الله ﷺ I never found someone who is more who has the best character the best manners as the prophet of Allah the messenger of Allah ﷺ so the person who was in charge announced to the people of Medina that the army came back and sayidna Muhammad ﷺ is back so all the people in Medina they went out to greet sayidna Muhammad ﷺ and his women were getting ready to welcome sayidna Muhammad ﷺ however there was some jealousy as the mother of a believer sayidah ﷺ was so jealous she knew, she realized she got the news that sayidna Muhammad ﷺ got married to Safiya bint Huyay the leader of his tribe and she was so beautiful she was 17 years old and she was so jealous sayidna Muhammad ﷺ wanted Safiya رضي الله عنها to be in the house of and that was where she she stayed at that time and the sayidna Muhammad ﷺ the first one who he visited was of course his daughter sayidna فاطمة رضي الله عنها فاطمة زهراء so he went in and he was kissing his grandchildren and then he left and he saw his women and they welcomed him and he noticed the jealousy in the eyes of so he was watching her so she got veiled and she wanted to go and see her the new wife of sayidna Muhammad ﷺ so she went and she went to the house of Haritha thinking that no one would recognize her she was veiled all over but sayidna Muhammad ﷺ looked at her and he of course knew her and he waited until she went out and he went out after her and he stopped her and he said ياشو قيراء كيف رأيتي so how did you what did you find and عايش رضي الله عنها tried to not to say what's in her heart but the words rushed out of her mouth and she said رأيتوا يهودية بين يهوديات I saw just a Jewish woman among other Jewish women so he said sayidna Muhammad ﷺ corrected her and he said to her يا عايشة don't say that لا تقولي ذلك فإنها أسلمت وحسنة إسلامها don't say that she is a Muslim and she is a good Muslim so عايشة of course رضي الله عنها went back to her to her secret keeper حفصة رضي الله عنها the wife of sayidna Muhammad ﷺ and they were talking about her صفية رضي الله عنها the new mother of the believers was so kind and she had in mind that she doesn't want to have any problems she wanted everyone to love her and she started to get to their hearts by giving some gifts so she started with sayidna فاطمة الزهراء رضي الله عنها the daughter of sayidna Muhammad ﷺ she loved her and they both exchanged that love and صفية رضي الله عنها gave her a gift of gold that she had some earrings she was wearing and she also gave some gold to some of the wives of sayidna Muhammad ﷺ and that was the gold that she brought with her from خيبر صفية رضي الله عنها was so nice and she she didn't want to have any every actions she didn't want to cause to be the reason that the wives of sayidna Muhammad ﷺ would have any reaction against her but they the jealousy was there so one day she came to to know that حافسة رضي الله عنها the daughter of sayidna عمر and the wife of sayidna Muhammad ﷺ said about her she is the daughter of a Jewish and that hurt صفية رضي الله عنها and she was crying and when sayidna Muhammad ﷺ came in she was still crying and he asked her where are you crying and she told him what حافسة said that she is the daughter of a Jewish person and sayidna Muhammad ﷺ told her what to say he said إنك لبنت نبي وإن لأمك لنبي وإنك لتحت نبي you are the daughter of a prophet and that was هرون رضي الله عنها was one of the grandchildren of sayidna هرون and her uncle is a prophet sayidna موسى the brother of sayidna هرون وإنك لتحت نبي and your husband is is a prophet so why are they saying these words against you so this was the sayidna حافسة with the wives of sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم of course was always jealous of her one time she was talking to sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم and when the she said that short woman and sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم of course did not accept that and he said to her لقد قلت كلمة لو مزيجت بما البحر لمزيجت if you you said a word if it's mixed with the water of a sea then it will it will get that water bad so sayidna صفية صلى الله عليه وسلم was loved by sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم and he said about her والله إنها لصادقة when did sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم say that when محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم was sick and it was his last few days last few hours and the wives of sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم were all together and they said to him والله يا نبي الله لو وديت بأن الذي بيك بي she she swear to Allah سبحانه وتعالى saying oh messenger of Allah I wish that I am suffering from what you are suffering and you are safe so the wives the other wives looked at her and they winked at each other they noticed that and he said to them and they asked him why Prophet of Allah he said because of you winking والله إنها لصادقة I swear that she is truthful so she was known she was known to be a very nice very wise person one time sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم was out at night and it was صفيص رضي الله عنها was walking with him two men of the Ansar came and they gave salam to sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم they were walking and they gave salam to sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم so sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم called them and he said to them على رسلكو معنى إنما هي صفية بنجو حيي he said she is صفية the dozer of حيي and the two men said سبحان الله يا رسول الله يعني it was so so hard on them that sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم is explaining to them that she is صفية my wife and the answer of sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم إن الشيطان يبلغ مني بني آدم مبلغ الدم وإني خشيت أن يقظف في قلوبك ما شيئة he said to them ساتن the devil circulates in the human body as blood does I was afraid that you might have something in your heart so that's why sayidna محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم wanted to explain to them that she is his wife sayidna صفية رضي الله عنها she was in love with the Quran she was so knowledgeable with the meanings of the Quran she was knowing some of its secrets she was knowing how effective Quran is to the hearts to the pure hearts and she was reciting during the night and during the day let's stop for a second this is a big lesson this is an important lesson for all of us the mothers of the believers are our model we have to learn this from them we have to get connected to the Quran we have to get connected to the meanings of the Quran we have to know that when someone is upset when someone is sad when someone has a problem he would just forget about these things that are bothering him he would get in touch with Allah سبحانه وتعالى through his book through his book the book of Allah would make you forget everything around you this is just the words of Allah سبحانه وتعالى so when we are reading the Quran we are talking to Allah سبحانه وتعالى knowing that he is hearing us knowing knowing that Allah سبحانه وتعالى said make dua and I will answer your calls and the Quran has a lot of dua so much dua in the Quran so when you are in a trouble just get back to the Quran make do sit with your Quran and forget about this Dunya get the noor of the Quran to touch your heart when that happens then you will overcome your problems so this was she had a special connection with the Quran and she had also a special connection to the sunnah to the words of Sayyidina Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم so when she has any issue then she would directly direct this issue to the Quran and to the sunnah to the words of Sayyidina Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم also when we think about أم المؤمنين صفية رضي الله عنها she was so generous money would not stay with her she would spend for the sake of Allah سبحانه وتعالى she would know that this Dunya this life has no value there is nothing valuable in this Dunya no one is going to take his valuables with him to the grave everything will be left behind everything it's okay to be rich but we want our wealth to be in our pockets not in our hearts we don't want the wealth to get us away from Allah سبحانه وتعالى no we want the wealth to be a means to get us closer to Allah سبحانه وتعالى we want to give we want to give charity we want to give zikaa we want to help others we want to make those unfortunate who are in need of help we want to make them happy this is why we ask Allah سبحانه وتعالى to give us wealth but not to save it to keep it to spend it so say the صفير رضي الله عنه was so generous also when say the صفير رضي الله عنه I just mentioned that she had a special connection to the words of say the Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم and she was of those who narrated the a hadith of sayyidina Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم and she was following the words of Allah سبحانه وتعالى in in when Allah send with talk about teach what is mentioned in your houses what is revealed in your houses of words of Allah سبحانه وتعالى and of the sunnah of the narrations of sayyidina Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم so she memorized so many hadith and she narrated the hadith to sayyidina Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم and she tried her best to memorize as much as she could of the book of Allah سبحانه وتعالى so صفير رضي الله عنه mother of the believers was a special woman so pious so knowledgeable so kind so merciful so generous after sayyidina Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم passed away sayyidah صفير رضي الله عنه lived about 40 years after his death worshiping الله سبحانه وتعالى giving teaching people and she lived the during the time of sayyidina Abu Bakr sayyidina Omar sayyidina Ali she lived with them and it was in the year 50 of hijra that صفير رضي الله عنه وارضاها passed away leaving very good reputation very good she touched the hearts of everyone and when she passed away someone told Ibn Abbas about her death so he made sujood and he was asked about it why would you make sujood at this time and it was after after prayer and he said أليس قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم إذا رأيتم آية في sujood هل سنسأل ان محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم said if you saw a sign if you saw something important just make sujood what is a bigger sign than the death of one of the prophets why so إنا المدين المنورة our mother of the believers صفير رضي الله عنه was buried in جنة البقيح next to the other mothers of the believers and next to the daughters of sayyidina Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم so this was just a little bit about the mother of the believers صفير رضي الله عنه she is our mother and we have to follow her footsteps so إن شاء الله until we meet again next week I leave you by sending my salam and your salam a special salam to sayyidina Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم and may Allah unite us all under his banner with his wives and may Allah be pleased with us in this dunya and in the life after والسلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته


Mr. Shagliam Paru, Minister for Ministry of Food, Agriculture and Life Industries of Mungolean, Mr. Fritz Schleiner, Chair of Proalytical of Sierra Leicester, Dr. Tini Smith, Director General of National Leicester Research History, The standard development goal of the Ministry of Food, Agriculture and Life Industries of Mungolean, are important value targets for deep grass development. And I'll cut you underpins many of the standard development goals in the future. Life is not a very strong movement of deep grass and cut your center. Yesterday, we heard about the EU lifestyle development strategy for Africa. The strategy helps us to focus our attention on the role of livestock in the contents development. In the end, we have taken this step, this step as developing the anti-strategist movement, that moves us towards implementation. The meeting this meeting helped us to bring this important element of deep grass development together in a way that helps us to move towards the practical life of these relations that we don't need for deep grass growing in the deep. Excellencies and distinct aspects. We hope you enjoy your stay and the relations and the deep peace and regard. We are happy to be able to show some highlights of the past life of your own. I believe that you have had two opportunities to interact with a wide diversity of people engaged in livestock in this country, ranging from partners, local and national government officials, scientists, private sectors and the regular development agencies for whom livestock has been brought. We expect this experience to have given you a new appreciation of how important livestock is to the country's economy. And the opportunities that livestock presents specially delivered on the sustainable development course. The role of diversity as well as leaders from other people organizations have all been really pleased to exchange their experiences and relate with their fellow farmers from all 50 countries attending this meeting. Yesterday, we were filled with exchanges with policy experts from other African countries in the regional policy forum. These exchanges will help all of the countries represented to develop or frighten their policies which will transform the livestock sector regardless of where in the world we are. Excellencies, distinct aspects. In the policy forum, you have about many exciting developments in the livestock sector around commercialization and the live animal export market. But also, the livestock location and the life of the men, small group of farmers, can pass access to give back and depend on them. This meeting has shown the need to balance commercialization with the transformation of rural livestock, special resources for human and youth, in order to achieve the necessary benefits that livestock can deliver in meeting system development course. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all those who are coming and sharing in this learning experience and also to thank all the organizers. The task force and the local organizing committee are organizing this important, productive international conference for the last five days. I also wish you a safe journey back home and I announce the 7th National Table and Archive Conference of the Global Agenda for Stem Cards Talk. This course will be closed. I thank you.


My name is Sam Vaknin and I am the author of Malignance of Love, Narcissism Revisited. Today we are back to normal, and we are going to discuss an obscure concept in the study of narcissism, narcissistic modification. It's a bit of a difficult concept to grasp, so you will have to enter the narcissist's bizarre landscape. This is surrealistic, nightmarish, Salvador Dali-like mind. Before we go there, we must understand that the narcissist is the first victim of narcissistic abuse. Narcissism is a post-traumatic condition. The narcissist has been traumatized and abused by a significant primary object, such as his mother.  He channels his mother's narcissistic abuse, he does to others what mother did to him. So mother did not allow him to separate from her and to become an individual, she did not allow separation, individuation. She abused him, as I mentioned, she objectified him, in some cases she sexualized him, she parentified him, forced him to behave as a parent. She created dependency, a co-dependent relationship, emotional blackmail, fusion, merger, and she used the child to obtain narcissistic supply. And of course, if you go through this list, this is exactly what the narcissist does to his intimate partner. And most intimate partners collaborate in this charade, in this shared fantasy that I mentioned in the previous video, in this shared psychosis. Most of them agree to fit into the narcissist's narrative, his script, movie-like, Hollywood-like, stage set, his, the theater of his life. They agree to be actors on stage or, in some cases, props. But some potential and actual intimate partners refuse to be co-opted, refuse to be declined to collaborate. They confront the narcissists. They attack and challenge the shared psychosis and the shared fantasy. They exit brutally the shared space of surrealism, dream-like state. They wake up the narcissists, so to speak. It's exactly like waking up in the middle of a bedroom. So narcissistic modification is about fear. It is when the narcissist is confronted with reality, with reality about himself. When the narcissist is confronted with who he really is, and we'll come to it a bit later how this process unfolds, but the narcissist is faced with the narcissist when he finally sees himself in the mirror unfiltered, unembroidered. When he finally confronts his personality, his shortcomings, his limitations, his defects, his deformities, his deficiencies, his lacks, he can't cope with this. Anyhow, the narcissist is living in a state of fear, constant fear. Narcissism can easily be described as an anxiety disorder or even a depressive disorder. This is why the new therapy that I developed called therapy works well with major depression. So the narcissist has an intense fear, I'm quoting Sigmund Freud now, the narcissist has an intense fear associated with narcissistic injury and humiliation with a shocking reaction when individuals face the discrepancy between an endorsed or ideal view of the self in a drastically contrasting realization, is quoted in Ronningston, a paper from 2013. Another scholar of borderline personality disorder who dwelt upon the narcissistic face in the development of borderline, Rothstein, said that there is a fear of falling short of ideals, with a loss of perfection and accompanying humiliation. And this fear extends to intimacy in interpersonal relationships, as was observed by Fiskalini. It extends to unrealized or forbidden wishes and related defenses, always. Or as Kogut so aptly summarized it, it is fear associated with rejection, with isolation, loss of contact with reality, loss of admiration, equilibrium and important objects. Landberg augmented this list by adding fear of dependency and destroying the relationship with significant other, fear of retaliation, of one's own aggression and destructiveness and fear of death. So this is the background, the narcissist carries all these fears with him at all times. Now many of us have some of these fears, but none, no healthy or normal person has all these fears. And these fears are strongly and deeply associated with the narcissist's fantasies about himself. It's because he perceived himself as perfect, for example, that he is afraid to be discovered or uncovered or exposed as imperfect. He feels like a fraud at all times. He feels that had people only known him better, they would have shunned him and avoided him. And you know what? He's right. So narcissistic modification is the sudden, it has to be abrupt, it has to be a break, it's the sudden sense of defeat. The narcissist feels that all his efforts to sell himself, so to speak, all his fake it till you make it attempts, all his facade, the false self, it's crumbling, it's not working. There's a loss of control over both internal objects and external objects or realities. Now you remember that narcissists don't interact with real life, three dimensional people out there. What they do, they take snapshots of these people, they internalize or interject the snapshots and then they interact with these idealizations, with these internal objects, with these representations of people. Even an intimate partner doesn't exist for the narcissist in any true, real or meaningful sense of the word. Narcissist interacts with the representation of that intimate partner. So when suddenly an external object misbehaves, challenges the narcissist, disagrees, criticizes mocks the narcissist, mocks humiliates the narcissist publicly, does something that is unexpected in a shocking way, becomes aggressive. So when someone outside the narcissist does this thing, it's like waking up, it's like there is an enormous clash, a schism and a peace between the inner representation, the snapshot and the person whose snapshot exists inside the narcissist.  So, modification is caused by an aggressing meaningful person or an aggressing person, someone who aggresses against the narcissist, attacks him, challenges him and so on. Even if this person is not significant or meaningful, but the context is significant or meaningful. Modification is also caused whenever the narcissist is forced to confront his real self, not his true self, but the reality about himself when he realizes that he has traits or behaviors which are to use a British understatement undesirable. So destructive, inferior, compulsive. And so when there's modification, when the narcissist is forced to look in the mirror and not to filter what he sees, but to really, really confront the monster in the mirror, the quasi-model that is staring back at him, the hunchback which is no longer in Notre Dame, but right here at home with me, with you. So when the narcissist is faced with this hideous, hideous representation, which is him, it produces disorientation. But even more so, it produces terror. Terror is not fear. You know, we mentioned fears. We started with fears. Fears are anticipatory. Fears predict that something will happen. Fears are forms of catastrophizing. But terror is reactive. It's because something really, really frightening has happened. And mortification, having to confront reality finally, especially about himself, leads the narcissist to a state of terror. Eidelberg, who in the 1950s was a prominent scholar on mortification, said that this, the reason is that there is a lot of energy pent up within the narcissist, narcissistic and ego energy known as libido, destrudo or multido, which is a kind of self-destructive energy. So all kinds of energy is a damning up inside the narcissist. And at some point, you cannot manage them any longer if he is not supported from the outside. And today we call it narcissistic supply. In the absence of narcissistic supply, when it is deficient or even much worse, when the supply is negative, the supply forces the narcissist, pushes him on a collision course with himself, forces the narcissist to become, in other words, self-aware. Mortification happens. The entire personality of the narcissist is overwhelmed by impotent ineluctability.  And so he is there, the train is coming, head on, it's not going to stop, and he knows it. And he's impotent about it. The feeling of helplessness is utterly, utterly shocking and drowning and overwhelming. Narcissist's entire personality of self-perception is constructed upon omnipotence. He is all-powerful, he is godlike, and here he is, helpless. And there's a lack of alternatives, because he fails to force the objects around him, the people around him, to conform to his narrative, to conform to the confabulation or the piece of fiction that he had created, the false self. And he fails to convince people to support the false self, to buttress it, to provide it with supply. And he can no longer rely on the goodwill of people around him, because many of them had become hateful or aggressive or are very angry at him or very disappointed at him, and they're going to do bad things to him. They're going to humiliate him, they're going to hurt him, they're going to, and he knows it's going to happen. He knows it's about to happen.  An 11-year-old Narcissist is a mature adult Narcissist. So, infantile strategies of coping with frustration, with repression. So, the Narcissist tries, when he's modified, when he's confronted with himself via, via the gaze of others, he tries to reassert himself. He becomes overly grandiose, derisively grandiose. He becomes, he becomes buffoonish, he becomes funny. His hypervigilance is all over the place. And all kinds of defense mechanisms kick in, splitting, denial, magical thinking. Modification is when the Narcissist sees himself through other people's eyes. Now, this is not necessarily all bad. For example, that's precisely what I do in cold therapy. I re-traumatize the Narcissist and force him to see how small and insignificant he is. By re-traumatizing him, I take him back to early childhood, when he had been really helpless. And when he couldn't predict the capricious and arbitrary and vicious and cruel behavior of adults around him. And when he had been traumatized. So, that's not an entirely negative. Modification is not entirely negative because it gives the Narcissist a chance to free himself of the shackles of his task master, the false self. False self is like a slave, slaveholder. The Narcissist is a slave. I compare it Narcissism to a religion where the false self is Godhead, the Moloch. And the Narcissist has to sacrifice himself, human sacrifice, to the false self. So, it's a cruel, vicious God, dating. And so, modification is when the false self crumbles. The false self becomes very weak. It's a Narcissist's chance to escape. Narcissist is like a hostage. And here's the kidnapper. Kidnapper, and the kidnapper contracted COVID-19 modification. And there's a chance to escape. Narcissists would tend to surround themselves because they know this. Because they know the only chance at healing, the only chance of reintegrating with the true self, the only chance of escape, escaping the hostage situation. They know the only chance is when they are mortified.  So, for example, consider the Narcissist intimate partners. Some Narcissists would tend to surround themselves with promiscuous labile and dysregulated women. Why? Because these women guarantee mortification. And only mortification guarantees freedom from commitment and the possibility of the adventure of the next shared fantasy. But also because mortification guarantees a sense of even temporary sense of liberation from the onerous inexorable false self. So, these Narcissists would find homemakers, homely domestic women and so on, would find them unexciting.  Only mortification makes these Narcissists feel alive and sexually aroused. This mortification involves sadism, masochism, and libido maximized. And the recreation of the primary unresolved conflict with mother. Because remember, mother was the first one to inflict mortification on the child. This is why the child created narcissism. It's a defense against mortification.  The Narcissist selects them to fulfill roles in first in the shared fantasy and then in the liberating mortification anti-fantasy. These women first need to be integrated into a shared psychosis, into a shared fantasy. But then their role is to re-traumatize the Narcissist. The Narcissist uses these women to reenact the unresolved conflict with his mother. The V conflict, the mother of all conflicts, the conflict that created the mega-mortification that led to the creation of pathological narcissism, he keeps hoping that with this woman or that woman, labile, dysregulated, crazy, cheating, promiscuous and so on, so forth, these kind of women will traumatize him, re-traumatize him exactly as his mother did, and maybe there's a way out of the false self. Maybe he will be free. First of the false self for a few, I don't know, minutes, days, hours, and then free to move on to the next shared fantasy. And some women say we cheated on the Narcissist because we felt that this is what he wanted. We felt that this way we will please him, we will prove him right. The Narcissist doesn't push his intimate partners away. He pushes his intimate partners to push him away. And of course, to tie in all the recent videos, the COVID-19 pandemic is a form of collective modification. We have become a narcissistic, psychopathic civilization. And the pandemic is a wake-up call. You are small, you are insignificant, you don't know everything. You can't do everything. You're not omnipotent. You're not all-powerful. You're not all-knowing. You're not God-like. You're just specks of dust. You're nothing. So it's collective modification. And if the Narcissist is lucky and he goes through the notification phase, the re-traumatization phase, sometimes with the agency of a promiscuous woman or labor woman, and he goes through this phase and is able to integrate and internalize the insight that he is actually very sick, this may be the first step in a therapeutic process of healing. This is what I create artificially in cold therapy. I create an artificial process of re-traumatization and modification, which opens the door to the possibility of healing by integrating and accepting the insight, the understanding. Hey, I'm very sick. I'm a narcissist. Narcissist is mental illness.  I'm not the first to suggest this. Idleberg, Anna Freud, I mean, they all realized that the first step towards healing is the acceptance of the illness, but that it is very traumatic. When a person realizes it's like getting news that you have COVID-19 or getting news that you have cancer. It's shocking. It's disorienting. It's frightening. It's terror. Let's go back to early childhood. Early childhood events of modification are crucial in teaching the baby to distinguish between external and internal. Like when you're mortified, you suddenly realize someone mortified you. So it's like the baby suddenly gets it. There's the baby and there's mother, mortified mother. So the baby also begins to form defenses, to form ego boundaries here. And while doing this, the baby realizes his own limitations and he learns to delay gratification. And he learns to select among options and make decisions. So modification is universal. Everyone goes through modifications in early childhood because in early childhood, we are helpless.  And we're surrounded by Godlike adults. That's very, very traumatizing and mortifying. But in the vast majority of cases, with healthy and normal people, modification leads to good places, to the development of functional constructs, behaviors and traits. Of course, it is possible to be overtaken by multiple internal and external modifications. By multiple what we call today traumas. And it's possible to be so overwhelmed by modifications, multiple modifications, that we start to repress them. We start to kind of forcibly forget them. We start to dissociate, cut them off. And so repression and dissociation become indispensable when the number of modifications and the character, the nature of modifications is such that they can no longer be tolerated. They are intolerable, unbearable. And we then also develop compensatory cognitive deficits, omnipotent or omniscient grandiosity, entitlement, invincibility, paranoid projection, magical thinking and so on. Bergler and Maldolado remind us that pathological secondary narcissism is a reaction to the loss of infantile omnipotent delusions and the loss of a good and meaningful object, mother in this case. And in the child's mind, mother is associated with ideal. She's perfect, she's ideal. And he loses mother, he not only loses mother, but he loses the very concept of the ideal, of the perfect. It's a loss that threatens continuity, stability, coherence and well-being of the personality itself. Now all of us cope with this, healthy people cope with this, by transitioning from splitting to object relations to a more nuanced picture of the world. If you look at mother as ideal and you lose her, you have two options. It's okay, I lost mother as an ideal. I lost the very concept of the ideal, of the perfect. And so the alternative is all bad, total imperfection. And this is called splitting, good and bad, dichotomous thinking, black and white, right and wrong. But the vast majority of healthy normal people develop a nuanced picture. So okay, mother is not all bad, but not all good. Everyone has a mixture of bad and good, right and wrong. In adulthood, self-inflicted internal notification, the realization that one is less than perfect, the realization that you have shortcomings, limitations, failings, that you're bound to be defeated and fail. These self-inflicted internal notifications are usually founded on reality, in healthy people. But in the narcissist, internal notification is founded on distortions of reality. And the narcissist uses internal notification to compensate for an external notification, to disguise it, and vice versa. He uses an external notification to compensate for an internal notification. No, I know you didn't get it. I didn't get it at first. Let's try again. Narcissist is inexternally motivated. For example, he's humiliated in public by someone. His wife cheats on him. His, I mean, his something happened that motivated, that challenged his self-perception as grandiose, perfect, brilliant, irresistible, amazing, sui genugis, et cetera, et cetera. And so he's, for the first time, or for the hundredth time, forced to face the fact that his self-perception is wrong, that his grandiosity is ludicrous. Sometimes, such external notification is totally unacceptable. Narcissist feels overwhelmed by it. So what he does, he invents an internal notification. And he says, for example, it is all my fault. I made it happen. My wife cheated on me because I pushed her to cheat on me. I abused her. I rejected her, humiliated her.  In other words, I'm in control. I'm in control. I'm in control. It's all my doing. It's all my fault. This is called auto-plastic defense. Of course, if you say it's all my fault, it's all my doing, it restores a grandiose illusion of control over an external modification. It's a delusion, but it's still better than admitting that you have no control over other people and that they do exactly what they want to do, regardless of you. And very often, the things they do have nothing to do with you. They have to do with their internal needs and internal psychodynamics. It's better to say, I made it happen. Even if it's with a very bad thing that it happened, I made it happen. Then to admit, I am not the prime mover and shaker. I'm irrelevant. I'm irrelevant to these people's lives.  And take the opposite. When there is internal modification, when you did something really, really, very bad, you say, I'm evil. I have hateful thoughts towards people. I am corrupted and decadent. I am defective and deformed. So this is internal modification. When you admit that you, as a narcissist, you admit that your character is really, really rotten, it's very difficult to accept. It creates modification. So sometimes the narcissist creates an external modification, fictitious external modification, to replace the internal one. Instead of saying, I'm evil. I'm hateful. I am unworthy. I'm bad. He says, they are evil. They are unworthy. They are out to get me. They hate me. In other words, per secretary. Per secretary delusions, also known as paranoia, is an external modification which replaces an internal modification. Yes, I acted badly. I misbehaved. I was aggressive. I was offensive. But I did it because of them. They made me do it because they are evil. They are out to get me. They are out to hurt me. They are conspiring against me. Of course, the only true solution to a modification is the regaining of control. And even then, it is only partial, as control has clearly been lost at some point. And this can never be forgotten or forgiven or effectively dealt with. So narcissists bear grudges and they ruminate a lot. They keep revisiting the sin of the trauma. It becomes an obsession. You can regain control after a modification, but there's been a minute of modification in which you had lost control. Clearly. You can regain your grandiosity and your perfect composure and your brilliance and your omnipotence and omniscience in your mind at least. But there had been a moment where you were helpless. You were humiliated. You were mocked. The need to reframe narcissistic modification is because it is an extreme and intolerably painful form of shame-induced traumatic depressive anxiety. Modification threatens the integrity of the self. It's a sudden awareness of one's limitations and defects. I'm referring you to Lansky's work in 2000 and Libby's excellent presentation in 2006. When the narcissists are faced with their own hopeless unloved ability, badness and worthlessness, they are mortified by this and they experience shock, exposure and intense humiliation, and sometimes it's converted to somatic symptoms. Narcissists describe the feeling as being annihilated, as disintegrating into molecules and to thin air. Harbage in 1989 described it as a virtually intolerable experience of terror, fright or dread, related to a sense of overwhelmed helplessness, reminiscent of the overwhelmed helplessness of infancy, a myelotary anxiety, fear of the disintegration of the self, or of identity, as Libby quotes him. Libby, apropos, postulates that narcissistic modification is a sudden loss of the psychic sense of self, which occurs simultaneously with a perception that the tie to a self-object is threatened. Self-object is an object that embodies the self and is very significant. Coghud, whom she quotes, added in 1971, if the grandiosity of the narcissistic self has been insufficiently modified, then the adult ego will tend to vacillate between an irrational overestimation of the self and feelings of inferiority and will react with narcissistic modification to the thwarting of its ambitions. And actually it's one of the very few topics in psychology where there's no disagreement between all the schools of psychology, because for example if you take object relation theories, like Bayonne or Winnicott, they agree, Bayonne has something called nameless dread. Winnicott has original agonies of the collapse of childish consciousness as it evolves and matures into another and these dreads and agonies are simply different names to modification and they all agree it's rooted in childhood. One possibility is that it may have to do with a lack of what we call evocative constancy. Evocative constancy is the capacity to maintain positively toned images of self and others with which to dispel feelings of self doubt. And it was first described by Adler and Bouyer in 1979. It is intimately linked to something called self reflexivity, the ability to oscillate easily among varying perspectives of the self and it crucially relies on the smooth operation of evocative constancy. So reflexivity and constancy go together. In the case of psychosis for example, there is hyper reflexivity. So there's a big problem to differentiate the self and various self states from external reality. Libby describes two strategies that narcissists use to restore a modicum of cohesiveness to the self. What she calls the deflated narcissists debases the self and inflates or idealizes the object in order to reacquire the object. And so for example, such a narcissist would atone or aggrandize the object or self-panish or self-flagellate and it's designed to appease and all done to self-objects. Libby was not the first to suggest this unafroid, pre-saged this with her concept of altruistic surrender, self-sacrificial and therefore self-disparaging, not to say self-destructive altruism. In other words, when the narcissist is modified, exposed to the reality of his self or to the fact that his false self is false. When he's modified, one option is to say, well, the person who aggressed against me, the person who modified me, she was right. She was right because I did something wrong. I abused her, I mocked her, I rejected her, I withheld, I misbehaved.  Another strategy of what Libby calls inflated narcissists and revenge seekers involves debasing of the object, attacking the other in order to aggrandize and re-stabilize the self.  Such narcissists fight fire with fire or take an eye for an eye, are writing the scales of justice. The only winners and losers and these narcissists must be the winners. Shamers are also adept at short-circuiting the plunge into modification altogether, preemptively expelling impending feeling of shame and defectiveness by humiliating the other. Whichever route is taken, the individual cannot recover from modification, until a tolerable, familiar self-state is re-acquired, either by re-establishing the other as an approving object or by destroying the other temporarily or permanently. Narcissistic conceit designed to project defective self-experiences onto self-objects is the second option. So what do we do in treatment? In treatment we try to focus on converting modification to shame. Shame is different to modification because it includes the capacity to tolerate it. You can tolerate shame and you can use it as a signal. Both defensive styles, deflated and inflated, require continued dependence on self-objects. Even if you say the self-object was right and misbehaved, you're still dependent on the self-object. And it must be mounted again and again. Tolerating bearable shame can make self-appraisal and self-tolerance possible, ultimately leading to a psychic separation and self-reliance. I want to describe two cases. There's a patient who craves love and intimacy, also sex, because sex rafies intimacy, so craves love, intimacy and sex. But he hates himself for this life-threatening vulnerability as it is easy. To crave something is to be weak, to be vulnerable. So he uses, the patient uses, projective identification and projective interjection, coupled with persecutory paranoia. Wow, these are big words. I love big words. So let me use small words now. The patient egregiously misbehaves, and so he forces others to hate him. When they hate him, they act against him. So then he perceives them as hateful with some justification. And this way, he prevents the formation of love and intimacy of course, as well as sexual relations. So here's a sequence.  And then they misbehave, as I said you see, they misbehave.  So he kills two birds with one stone. He avoids acknowledging his own suicidal self-hatred, and he sidesteps being vulnerable to a dangerous level by being dependent on, for example, an intimate partner, which he also perceives as suicidal weakness. Another case study. The patient idealizes a potential partner, but rejects her, verbally abuses her, withholds sex, humiliates her. Let's reverse the genders. The patient idealizes a potential partner, but she rejects, verbally abuses, withholds and humiliates him. And he reacts by picking up another partner. Okay, triangulation. Very classic scenario. His behavior, or rather his misbehavior, challenges her omnipotence. She feels helpless, humiliated. Challenges her omniscience. She failed to spot his conspiracy to team up with another partner. She gallably trusted his lies about himself and about their interactions. He challenges her perfection. He rejected her. Challenges her superiority. He chose an inferior or a superior alternative over her. He challenges her brilliance.  He challenges his self-perception as a loved and protected child. Because everyone involved, especially her former intimate partner, envied her, hated her, etc. So the internet partner's misbehavior by choosing another partner sort of demolished. It's like an explosive device, improvised explosive device of the caliber of a Hiroshima nuclear bomb. Everything is annihilated in a radius of 100 kilometers. Nothing is left of the false self. Not grandiosity, not superiority, not omnipotence, not omniscience. Nothing. All the defenses crumble. And it leads to a condition known as decompensation. And so in this state of modification, she repressed the intolerable external narcissistic modification. She repressed the public exposure of her glaring unfixable inadequacies, limitations, and defects. And what she did, she invented an internal one. So she couldn't face the external modification. I'm a zero. I'm a nobody. I'm irrelevant. I'm defective, deficient. She couldn't face this. So she invented an internal one. His miscontact is all my fault. I made him misbehave. I forced him to misbehave. And that's an attempt to restore her grandiosome nipotence. It doesn't always work, by the way. When it doesn't work, when it didn't work, she reverted to paranoia, replacing one external modification with another external modification. Yes, I had been humiliated. I had been exposed. But this was done to me by evil people who were out to hurt me.  And he was out to hurt me. And it's a failed attempt to not feel hopelessly damaged and evil. To restore egocintony and as wage her pain and desperation. I'm okay. They are evil. He is evil. I'm okay. He is evil. And very often, she will try to remain in touch with him in order to support with evidence both these alternative modifications. And she will let go. And this leads to stalking. This is the psychological foundation of stalking. And she will ghost him or go no contact with him, let go of him, only once she had succeeded to integrate the two alternative modifications, thereby fully accounting for all the events in a manner that is somehow realistic or at least satisfying. So she would, for example, convince herself by talking to him that my misbehavior did cause him to overreact, but his egregious, disproportional and unjustified misconduct, his reaction is because he is a psychopath and evil. So she combines the two narratives. I made him do it, but he shouldn't have done it. I made him do it.  And his new partner is an envious opportunist. And all the witnesses are malicious haters, et cetera, et cetera. So she restores grandiosity by vindictively punishing everyone involved, either metaphorically or symbolically, or sometimes in reality by taking actions. And of course, modifications is intimately connected to shame. Ironically, guilty people experience guilt because they have had the power to make a different choice. You can't feel guilty if you didn't have a choice. One cannot feel guilty when one is powerless or impotent and therefore not responsible for events, circumstances and decisions. So guilt goes with empowerment. You own your actions and the situation. Helpless people feel shame, not guilt. This is why pathological narcissism is associated with shame, not with guilt. The grandiosity gap is the difference between self-image, the way the narcissist perceives himself, the false self, and contravening cues from reality, the greater the disparity between grandiosity and reality, the bigger the gap, the greater the narcissist's feelings of shame. There are two varieties of shame, narcissistic shame, which is the narcissistic experience of the grandiosity gap and the affective correlate. Subjectively, narcissistic shame is experienced as a pervasive feeling of worthlessness. The dysfunctional regulation of self-worth is the crux of pathological narcissism, as you remember. So the narcissist feels, when he's ashamed, he feels worthless.  The patient feels pathetic, foolish, deserving of mockery and humiliation. Narcissists adopt all kinds of defenses to counter narcissistic shame. They develop addictive, reckless, or impulsive behaviors.  Unattainable, of course. They try to be perfect. They display haughtiness and exhibitionism. All these defenses are primitive. They involve splitting, projection, projective identification, intellectualization, all kinds of psychological defenses. The second type of shame is self-related. It is a result of the gap between the narcissist's grandiose ego ideal and his self, or his ego, which is very minimal in dysfunction. This is a well-known concept of shame and it has been explored widely in the works of Freud in 1914, Reich, 1960, Jacobson in 1964, Kogut in 1967, Kingston in 1983, Sparrow in 1984 and Morrison in 1989. But one must draw a clear distinction between guilt or control and guilt-related shame and conformity-related shame. Again, guilt is an objectively, so to speak, determinable philosophical entity. Given a relevant knowledge regarding society and culture in question, you can anticipate or predict when guilt will arise. It is context-dependent. It is the derivative of an underlying assumption by others that a moral agent exerts control over certain aspects of the world. This assumed control by the agent imputes guilt to the agent. If the agent acts in a manner in commensurate with prevailing morays, morals, conventions, or if the agent refrains from acting in a manner commensurate with these. So there's always an agent, someone with will and control, who could have made a different choice. Choice is crucial, crucial component of guilt. Shame in this case is the outcome of the actual occurrence of avoidable outcomes, events which impute guilt to a moral agent who acted wrongly or refrained from acting. So this is a specific type of shame, shame connected to guilt. And again, it's the outcome of actual avoidable outcomes which impute guilt to the moral agent because he acted wrongly or refrained from acting, which is in itself wrong very often. And we must distinguish guilt from guilt feelings as well. Guilt follows events. Guilt feelings can precede events. Guilt feelings in the attaching shame, guilt related shame, can be anticipatory. Moral agents assume that they control certain aspects of the world. This makes them able to predict the outcomes of their intentions and to feel guilt and shame as a result, even if nothing had happened. Guilt feelings are composed of a component of fear and a component of anxiety. Fear is related to the external, objective, observable consequences of actions or inaction by the moral agent. Anxiety has to do with inner consequences. It is ego dystonic. It threatens the identity of the moral agent because being moral is an important part of the identity of a moral agent. The internalization of guilt feelings leads to a shame reaction. This is the connection, the subterranean connection between guilt and guilt related shame. But remember, guilt related shame is not the same as narcissistic shame or self-related shame. Thus shame has to do with guilty feelings, not with guilt. And so let me remind you, guilt is determined by the reactions and anticipated reactions of others to external outcomes, such as avoidable waste or preventable failure. So there's a fear component here. Guilty feelings are the reactions and anticipated reactions of the moral agent himself to internal outcomes, to helplessness, loss of presumed control, narcissistic injuries, anxieties and so on. And so far, and so we now establish that there are three types of shame, narcissistic, self-related, guilt related. This is the fourth type, conformity related shame. It has to do with the narcissistic feeling of otherness. Narcissist feels alien, freakish, an outlier, an outcast. This kind of shame involves a component of fear, of the reactions of others to one's otherness, and a component of anxiety, of the reactions of oneself to one's otherness. Guilt related shame is connected to self-related shame, perhaps through a psychic construct akin to the superego. Conformity related shame is more akin to narcissistic shame. Lydia Rangelovska suggested, made a few observations about shame. She advanced the idea that some children subjected to abuse in dysfunctional families, these children are objectified, dehumanized, the boundaries abridged, the growth is stunted. So Rangelovska suggested, these kind of children develop intense feelings of shame. They turn out to be codependence on narcissists owing to their genetic make-up and innate character. But according to Rangelovska, children who turned out to be codependence as adults are resilient, while the more fragile narcissists seek to evade shame by co-cocting and then deploying the false self. So Rangelovska says there's a universal setting abusing these one-true families. And then the resilient ones become codependence, and the more fragile and vulnerable ones become narcissists, and they are trying to evade shame by not being, by denying their own existence, by disappearing into or away from a false self. As she observes, shame motivates normal people, and those suffering from plus to b personality disorders differently. Shame constitutes a threat to normal people, to the true self of normal people, but it constitutes a threat to the false self of narcissists borderlines and so on. Owing to the disparate functionality and psychodynamics of the true self and false self, the ways shame affects behavior and manifests in both populations different. Additionally, pervasive constant shame forces anxiety and even fears or phobias. These can have either an inhibitory effect or, on the contrary, a disinhibitory function. In other words, shame creates anxiety, fear and phobia and these can either inhibit you, paralyze you, or they can actually push you to action, motivate you to action. Both narcissists and co-dependence compensate for their shame. The former narcissists by developing a need to be needed, and the latter by developing a need to deny their neediness. So co-dependence have a need to be needed and narcissists have a need to deny their neediness. The true self involves an accurate reality test with minimal and marginal cognitive deficits, as well as the capacity to empathize on all levels, including especially the emotional level. People whose true self is intact, mature and operational are capable of relating to others deeply, for example, by loving them. The sense of self worth of these kind of people, healthy people is stable, it's grounded in a true and tested assessment of who they are, reality testing, maintaining a distinction between what we really are and what we dream of becoming, knowing our limits, our advantages and faults, and having a sense of realistic accomplishment in our life. All these are paramount importance in the establishment and maintenance of our self-esteem, sense of self-worth and self-confidence. Shame threatens a true self by challenging the affected person's ego-syntony, by forcing her to feel bad about something she had said or done. And the solution is usually facile and usually easy in at hand. Reverse the shameful situation by apologizing or by making amends, that's what we all do. We feel ashamed, we apologize. In contrast, the forced self leads to forced assumptions, to an impaired reality testing, to a contorted personal narrative, to a fantastic worldview, to a grandiose inflated sense of being. And this grandiosity is rarely grounded in real achievement or real merit. The narcissist's feeling of entitlement is all-pervasive, ubiquitous, demanding and aggressive. It easily deteriorates into open verbal, psychological, physical abuse of others. When the patient with a forced self feels shame, it is because his grandiosity, the fantastic narrative that underpins his false self, is challenged, usually, but not necessarily, in public. There is no easy solution to such a predicament, such modification. The situation cannot be reversed, the psychological damage is done, whatever happens, later. The patient urgently needs to reassert his grandiosity by devaluing or even destroying the frustrating, threatening object, the source of his misery. Another option is to reframe the situation by delusionally ignoring it or recasting it in new terms. It was all my fault. I controlled it. So while shame motivates normal people to conduct themselves pro-socially and realistically, shame pushes the disordered patient, the narcissist, and the borderline, the psychopath, in the exact opposite direction to antisocial or delusional reactions. Shame is founded on empathy. The normal person empathizes with others. The disordered patient empathizes with himself. But empathy and shame have little to do with a person with whom we empathize, the empathy. They may simply be the result of conditioning and socialization. In other words, when we hurt someone, we don't really experience his or her pain. We experience our pain. Hurting somebody hurts us. The reaction of pain is provoking us by our own actions. We have internalized other people's pain. We have been taught a learned response to feel pain when we hurt someone. So it's learned, it's like learned helplessness. We attribute feelings, sensations, and experiences to the object of our actions. It is the psychological defense mechanism, projection. Unable to conceive of inflicting pain upon ourselves, we displace the source. It is the other pain that we are feeling. We keep telling ourselves, not our own. In other words, when we hurt someone, we actually hurt ourselves. But because we cannot admit that we are hurting ourselves, we say we hurt someone. Hurting someone is a piece of fiction. You can hurt other people, of course, no question about it.  And because you cannot admit that by hurting others, you're actually hurting yourself, you stick to the fiction that you're hurting only others. Additionally, we have been taught to feel responsible for our fellow beings and to develop guilt and shame when we fail to do so. So we also experience pain whenever another person claims to be anguished or feel guilty or into his or her condition. We feel somehow, I don't know, responsible, accountable, even if we had nothing to do with the whole affair. We feel ashamed that we haven't been able to end another person's agony. And this agony is the key to healing narcissism. The key. The narcissist needs to go again through the original conflict with his primary object, usually mother. He needs to experience agony. He needs to be able to feel again. Only by being re-traumatized and modified can he regain a sense of his true self and understand and assimilate and integrate the insight that there is nothing about his false self that is real and everything that is false and that it is no longer functional in his adulthood, no longer adaptive in his adulthood as it had been in his childhood, in many cases leading him to dysfunction, humiliation and further modification. False self as a narcissist, biggest enemy, it made him disappear as a child and it does everything in its power to make sure that it never reappeared. The narcissist never reappears. Not as a child, not as an adult, not in any form. A false self is a parasitic psychological construct which had taken over the narcissist like a body snatcher and in therapy we should teach the narcissist to feel again but not to feel love in the first stage, to feel shame, to feel shame and then to feel guilt and then the rudiments of empathy and this can be done only if we shatter explosively the false self by forcing the narcissist to experience modification, traumatic modification and this is a very good summary of what we do in cold therapy.