Chapter 12 The Canterbury Pilgrims The author of these few lines really does hope to goodness that no one will be such an owl as to think from the number of things we did when we were in the country, that we were wretched, neglected little children, whose grown-up relations sparkled in the bright haunts of pleasure and whirled in the giddy, what's-his-name-of-fashion, while we were left to weep forsaken at home. It was nothing of the kind, and I wish you to know that my father was with us a good deal, and Albert's uncle, who is really no uncle of ours but only to Albert next door when we lived in Lewisham, gave up a good many of his valuable ours to us. And the father of Denny and Daisy came now and then, and other people, quite as many as we wished to see, and we had some very decent times with them, and enjoyed ourselves very much indeed, thank you. In some ways the good times you have with grown-ups are better than the ones you have by yourselves. At any rate they are safer. It is almost impossible then to do anything fatal without being pulled up short by a grown-up ere the deed is done, and, if you are careful, anything that goes wrong can be looked on as the grown-up's fault. And these secure pleasures are not so interesting to tell about as the things you do when there is no one to stop you on the edge of the rash act. It is curious too that many of our most interesting games happened when grown-ups were far away, for instance, when we were pilgrims. It was just after the business of the Benevolent Bar, and it was a wet day. It is not easy to amuse yourself indoors on a wet day as older people seem to think, especially when you are far removed from your own home and haven't got all your own books and things. The girls were playing Helma, which is a beastly game. Noel was writing poetry. H.O. was singing I Don't Know What to Do to the tune of Canaan's Happy Shore. It goes like this, and it's very tiresome to listen to. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, it is a beastly rainy day, and I don't know what to do.  We put a carpet bag over his head, but he went on inside it. Then we sat on him, but he sang underneath us. We held him upside down, and made him crawl head-first under the sofa, but when, even there, he kept it up. We saw that nothing short of violence would induce him to silence, so we let him go. And then he said we had hurt him, and we said we were only in fun, and he said if we were, he wasn't, and ill-feeling might have grown up, even out of a playful brotherly act like ours had been. Suddenly Alice chucked the helmet, and said, Let dogs delight, come on, let's play something. Then Dora said, Yes, but look here, now we're together, I do want to say something, what about the would-be-good society? Many of us groaned, and one said, Here, here, I will not say which one, but it was not Oswald. No, but really Dora said, I don't want to be preachy, but you know, we did say we tried to be good, and it says in a book I was reading only yesterday, that not being naughty is not enough, you must be good, and we've hardly done anything, the golden deed-books almost empty. Couldn't we have a book of leaden deeds, said Noel, coming out of his poetry, then there'd be plenty for Alice to write about if she wants to, or brass or zinc or aluminium deeds. We shan't ever fill the book with golden ones. H.O. had rolled himself in the red tablecloth, and said Noel was only advising us to be naughty, and again peace-waved in the balance. But Alice said, Oh wait, Cho, don't. He didn't mean that, but really and truly I wish wrong things weren't so interesting. You begin to do a noble act, and then it gets so exciting, and before you know where you are you're doing something wrong as hard as you can lick. And enjoying it too, Dick said. It's very curious, Denny said, but you don't seem to be able to be certain inside yourself whether what you're doing is right if you happen to like doing it. But if you don't like doing it, you know quite well. I only thought of that just now, I wish Noel would make a poem about it. I am, Noel said. It began about a crocodile, but it's finishing itself up quite different from what I meant it to at first. Just wait a minute. He wrote very hard while his kind brothers and sisters and his little friends waited the minute he had said, and then he read, The crocodile is very wise. He lives in the Nile with little eyes. He eats the hippopotamus too. And if he could, he would eat up you. The lovely woods and starry skies he looks upon with glad surprise. He sees the riches of the east and the tiger and lion king of beasts. So let us all be good and beware of saying shan't and won't and don't care, for doing wrong is easier far than any of the right things I know about are. And I couldn't make it king of beasts because of it not rhyming with east, so I put the s of beasts onto king. It comes even in the end. We all said it was a very nice piece of poetry. Noel gets really ill if you don't like what he writes. And then he said, If it's trying that's wanted, I don't care how hard we try to be good, but we may as well do it some nice way. Let's be pilgrim's progress, like I wanted to at first. And we were all beginning to say we didn't want to, when suddenly Dora said, Oh look here I know, we'll be the canterbury pilgrim's. People used to go pilgrimages to make themselves good. With peas in their shoes, the dentist said, it's in a piece of poetry, only the man boiled his peas, which is quite unfair. Oh yes, said H.O. and cocked hats. Not cocked, cockled, it was Alice who said this, and they had staffs and scripts and they told each other tales. We might as well. Oswald and Dora had been reading about the canterbury pilgrim's in a book called A Short History of the English People. It is not a tall short really, three fat volumes, but it has jolly good pictures. It was written by a gentleman named Green. So Oswald said, All right, I'll be the knight. I'll be the wife of Bath Dora said, what will you be, Dickie? Oh I don't care, I'll be Mr Bath if you like. We don't know much about the people, Alice said, how many were there? Thirty, Oswald replied, but we needn't be all of them, there's a nun priest. Is that a man or a woman? Oswald said he could not be sure by the picture, but Alice and Noel could be it between them. So that was settled. Then we got the book and we looked at the dresses to see if we could make up dresses for the parts. At first we thought we would, because it would be something to do and it was a very wet day. But they looked difficult, especially the millers. Denny wanted to be the miller, but in the end he was the doctor, because it was next door to the dentist, which is what we call him for short.  And H.O. WOULD be the Mansapur. I don't know what that is, because the picture of him is bigger than most of the others. And he said Mansapur was a nice portmanteau word, half Mandarin and half disciple. Let's get the easiest parts of the dresses ready first, Alice said. So Oswald and Dickie braided the fury of the elements and went into the woods beyond the orchard to cut ash sticks. We got eight jolly good long ones, then we took them home, and the girls bothered till we changed our clothes, which were indeed sopping with the elements we had faced. Then we peeled the sticks. They were nice and white at first, but they soon got dirty when we carried them.  And we nailed paper rosettes to the top of them. That was the nearest we could get to cockleshells. And we may as well have them there on our hats, Alice said. Let's call each other by our right names today, just to get into it. Don't you think so, Knight? Yay, nun priest, Oswald was replying. But Knowles said she was only half the nun priest, and again a threat of unpleasantness darkened the air. But Alice said, Don't be a piggy-wiggy, Knowles, dear. You can have it all. I don't want it. I'll just be a plain pilgrim, or Henry, who killed Beckett. So she was called the plain pilgrim, and she did not mind. We thought of cocked hats, but they are warm to wear, and the big garden hats that make you look like pictures on the covers of plantation songs did beautifully. We put cockleshells on them. Sandals we did try with pieces of oilcloth, cut the shape of souls, and fastened with tape, but the dust gets into your toes so, and we decided boots were better for such a long walk. Some of the pilgrims, who were very earnest, decided to tie their boots with white tape crossed outside to pretend sandals. As for dresses, there was no time to make them properly, and at first we thought of nightgowns, but we decided not to, in case people in Canterbury were not used to that sort of pilgrim nowadays. We made up our minds to go as we were, or as we might happen to be, the next day. You will be ready to believe we hope the next day will be fine. It was. There was the morn when the pilgrims arose and went down to breakfast. Albert's uncle had had Brecker early, and was hard at work in his study. We heard his quill pen squeaking when we listened at the door. It is not wrong to listen at doors when there is only one person inside, because nobody would tell itself secrets aloud when it was alone. We got lunch from the housekeeper, Mrs. Pettigrew. She seems almost to like us all to go out and take our lunch with us, though I should think it must be very dull for her, all alone. I remember, though, that Eliza, our late general at Lewisham, was just the same. We took the dear dogs, of course. Since the Tower of Mystery happened we are not allowed to go anywhere without the escort of these faithful friends of man. We did not take Martha because bulldogs do not like walks. Remember this if you ever have one of those valuable animals. When we were all ready, with our big hats and cockleshells, and our staves and our tape sandals, the pilgrims looked very nice. Only we haven't any scripts, Dora said. What is a script? I think it's something to read, a roll of parchment or something. So we had old newspapers rolled up and carried them in our hands. We took the globe and the Westminster Gazette because they are pink and green. The dentist wore his white sand shoes sandalled with black tape and bare legs. They looked almost as good as bare feet. We ought to have peas in our shoes, he said. But we did not think so. We knew what a very little stone in your boot will do, let alone peas. Of course, we knew the way to go to Canterbury because the old Pilgrims Road runs just above our house. It is a very pretty road, narrow and often shady. It is nice for walking, but carts do not like it because it is rough and rutty, so there is grass growing in patches on it. I have said that it was a fine day, which means that it was not raining, but the sun did not shine all the time. "'Tis well, O night,' said Alice, that the orb of day shines not in undie—what's his name?—Splendour.' "'Thou sayest so, plain Pilgrim,' replied Oswald, "'Tis jolly warm, even as it is.' "'I wish I wasn't two people,' Noel said. "'It seems to make me hotter. I think I'll be a reave or something.' But we would not let him, and we explained, that if he hadn't been so beastly particular Alice would have been half of him, and he had only himself to blame if being all of a nun priest made him hot. But it was warm, certainly, and it was some time since we'd gone so far in boots.  He did, as soon as Alice said that, about whining and grizzling being below the dignity of a manciful. It was so warm that the prioresse and the wife of Bath gave up walking with their arms round each other in their usual silly way. Albert's uncle calls it Laura Matildering, and the doctor and Mr. Bath had to take their jackets off and carry them. I am sure if an artist or photographer or any person who liked Pilgrims had seen us, he would have been very pleased. The paper cockleshells were first-rate, but it was awkward having them on top of the shafts because they got in your way when you wanted the staff to use as a walking stick. We stepped out like a man, all of us, and kept it up as well we could in book-talk, and at first awe was Mary as a dinner-bell. But presently Oswald, who was the very perfect gentle knight, could not help noticing that one of us was growing very silent and rather pale, like people are when they have eaten something that disagrees with them before they are quite sure of the fell truth. So he said, What's up, dentist old man? Quite kindly and like a perfect knight, though of course he was annoyed with Denny. It's sickening when people turn pale in the middle of a game and everything is spoiled and you have to go home and tell the spoiler how sorry you are that he is knocked up and pretend not to mind about the game being spoiled. Denny said, Nothing, but Oswald knew better. Then Alice said, Let's rest a bit Oswald. It is hot. If you are Oswald, if you please, plain pilgrim, returned her brother dignifiedly, remember, I'm a knight. So then we sat down and had lunch, and Denny looked better. We played adverbs and twenty questions and apprenticing your son for a bit in the shade, and then Dicky said, It was time to set sail if we meant to make the port of Canterbury that night. Of course pilgrims wreck not of ports, but Dicky never does play the game thoughtfully. We went on. I believe we should have got to Canterbury all right, and quite early only Denny got paler and paler, and presently Oswald saw beyond any doubt he was beginning to walk lame. Shoot her, you dentist, he said, still with kind striving cheerfulness. Not much, it's all right, returned the other. So on we went. But we were all a bit tired now, and the sun was hotter and hotter the clouds had gone away. We had begun to sing to keep up our spirits. We sang the British Grenadiers and John Brown's body, which is ground to march to, and a lot of others. We were just starting on tramp, tramp, tramp, the boys are marching when Denny stopped short.  When we pulled his hands down he was actually crying. The author does not wish to say it is babyish to cry. Whatever is up, we all asked, and Daisy and Dora petted him to get him to say, but he only went on howling and said it was nothing, only would we go on and leave him and call for him as we came back. Oswald thought very likely something had given Denny the stomach ache, and he did not like to say so before all of us, so he sent the others away and told them to walk on a bit.  What is it? Is it stomach ache? And Denny stopped crying to say, No, as loud as he could. Well then, Oswald said, Look here, you're spoiling the whole thing. Don't be a jack-ape, Denny. What is it?  Not if you say so, Oswald answered in kindly tones. Well, it's my shoes. Take them off, man. You won't laugh? No, cried Oswald, so impatiently that the others looked back to see why he was shouting. He waved them away, and with humble gentleness began to undo the black-tape sandals. Denny let him crying hard all the time. When Oswald had got off the first shoe, the mystery was made plain to him. Well, of all the, he said, improper indignation. Denny quailed, though he said he did not, but then he doesn't know what quailing is. And if Denny did not quail, then Oswald does not know what quailing is either. For when Oswald took the shoe off, he naturally chucked it down and gave it a kick, and a lot of little pinky-yellow things rolled out. And Oswald looked closer at the interesting sight, and the little things were split peas. Perhaps you'll tell me, said the gentle knight with the politeness of despair, why on earth you've been playing the goats like this? Oh, don't be angry, Denny said. And now his shoes were off, he curled and uncurled his toes and stopped crying. I knew pilgrims put peas in their shoes, and oh, I wish you wouldn't laugh. I'm not, said Oswald, still with bitter politeness. I didn't want to tell you I was going to, because I wanted to be better than all of you. And I thought if you knew I was going to, you'd want to, too. And you wouldn't when I said it first. So I just put some peas in my pocket and dropped one or two at a time into my shoes when you weren't looking.  For it is greedy to want to have more of anything than other people, even goodness. Outwardly, Oswald said nothing. You see, Denny went on, I do want to be good, and if pilgriming is to do you good, you ought to do it properly. I shouldn't mind being hurt in my feet if it would make me good for ever and ever, and besides, I wanted to play the game thoroughly, you always say I don't. The breast of the kind Oswald was touched by these last words. I think you're quite good enough, he said. I'll fetch back the others. No, they won't laugh. And we all went back to Denny and the girls made a fuss of him, but Oswald and Dicky were grave and stood aloof. They were old enough to see that being good was all very well, but after all, you had to get the boy home somehow. When they said this as agreeably as they could, Denny said, it's all right, someone will give me a lift. You think everything in the world can be put right with a lift, Dicky said, and he did not speak lovingly. So he can, said Denny, when it's your feet, I shall easily get a lift home. Not from here, you won't, said Alice. No one goes down this road, but the high roads just round the corner where you see the telegraph wires. Dicky and Oswald made a sedan chair and carried Denny to the high road, and we sat down in a ditch to wait. For a long time nothing went by but a brewer's drae. We hailed it, of course, but the man was so sound asleep that our hails were vain, and none of us thought soon enough about springing like a flash to the horse's heads, though we all thought of it directly the drae was out of sight. So we had to keep on sitting there by the dusty road, and more than one pilgrim was heard to say, it wished we had never come. Oswald was not one of those who uttered this useless wish. At last, just when despair was beginning to eat into the vital parts of even Oswald, there was a quick tap-tapping of horses' feet on the road, and a dog-cart came in sight with a lady in it all alone. We hailed her, like the desperate shipwrecked mariners in the longboat, hailed the passing sail. She pulled up. She was not a very old lady—a twenty-five we found out afterwards her age was—and she looked jolly. Well, she said, what's the matter?  His feet hurt him so, and will you give him a lift? But why are you all rigged out like this? asked the lady, looking at our cockle-shells and sandals and things. We told her. And how has he hurt his feet? she asked. And we told her that. She looked very kind. Poor little chap, she said, where do you want to go? We told her that, too. We had no concealments from this lady. Well, she said, I have to go on to—what is its name? Canterbury, said H.O. Well, yes, Canterbury, she said. It's only about half a mile.  Then we'll have tea and see the sights, and I'll drive you home. At least some of you. How will that do? We thanked her very much indeed, and said it would do very nicely. Then we helped Denny into the cart, and the girls got up, and the red wheels of the cart spun away through the dust. I wish it had been an omnibus the lady was driving, said H.O. Then we could all have had a ride. Don't you be so discontented, Dicky said, and Noel said. You ought to be jolly thankful that you haven't got to carry Denny all the way home on your back. You'd have had to if you'd been out alone with him. When we got to Canterbury, it was much smaller than we expected, and the cathedral not much bigger than the church that is next to the moat house. There seemed to be only one big street, but we supposed the rest of the city was hidden away somewhere. There was a large inn with a green before it, and the red wheeled dog cart was standing in the stable yard, and the lady with Denny and the others sitting on the benches in the porch looking out for us. The inn was called The George and Dragon, and it made me think of the days when there were coaches, and highwaymen, and foot-pads, and jolly landlords, and adventures at country inns like you read about. We've ordered tea, said the lady. Would you like to wash your hands? We saw that she wished us to, so we said yes we would. The girls and Denny were already much cleaner than when we parted from them. There was a courtyard to the inn, and a wooden staircase outside the house. We were taken up this, and washed our hands in a big room with a four-post wooden bed and dark red hangings, just the sort of hangings that would not show the stains of gore in the dear old adventurous times. Then we had tea in a great big room with wooden tables and chairs, very polished and old. It was a very nice tea with lettuces and coldmeat, and three kinds of jam, as well as cake and new bread, which we are not allowed at home. While tea was being had, the lady talked to us. She was very kind. There are two sorts of people in the world, besides others. One sort understand what you are driving at, and the other don't. This lady was the one sort. After everyone had had as much to eat as they could possibly want, the lady said, What was it you particularly wanted to see at Canterbury? The cathedral, Alice said, and the place where Thomas a Beckett was murdered, and the Dane John, said Dicky. Oswald wanted to see the walls, because he likes the story of St. Alphage and the Danes. Well, well, said the lady, and she put on her hat. It was a really sensible one, not a blob of fluffy stuff and feathers put on sideways and stuck on with long pins, and no shade to your face, but almost as big as ours, with a big brim and red flowers and black strings to tie under your chin to keep it from blowing off. Then we went out altogether to seek Canterbury. Dicky and Oswald took it in turns to carry Denny on their backs. The lady called him the wounded comrade. We went first to the church. Oswald, whose quick brain was easily aroused to suspicions, was afraid the lady might begin talking in the church, but she did not. The church door was open. I remember mother telling us once that it was right and good for churches to be left open all day, so that tired people could go in and be quiet and say their prayers if they wanted to, but it does not seem respectful to talk out loud in churches. C Note A When we got outside, the lady said, you can imagine how on the Chancellor's steps began the mad struggle in which Beckett, after hurling one of his assailants, armour and all to the ground, gave her, H.O. interrupted, to hurl him without his armour and leave that standing up.  She told us all about Beckett, and then about St. Alfred, you had bones thrown at him till he died because he wouldn't tax his poor people to please the beastly rotten Danes. And Denny recited a piece of poetry he knows called The Ballad of Canterbury. It begins about Danish warships, snakes shaped, and ends up about doing as you'd be done by. It is long, but it has all the beef bones in it and all about St. Alfred. Then the lady showed us the Dane-John, and it was like an oast house, and Canterbury walls that Alfred defied the Danes from looked down on quite common farmyard. The hospital was like a barn, and other things were like other things, but we all went about and enjoyed it very much. The lady was quite amusing. Besides sometimes talking like a real cathedral guide, I met afterwards. C-note B. When at last we said we thought Canterbury was very small considering, the lady said, Well it seems a pity to come so far and not at least hear something about Canterbury. And then at once we knew the worst, and Alice said, What a horrid cell! But Oswald with immediate courteousness said, I don't care, you did it awfully well. And he did not say though he owns he thought of it, I knew it all the time, though it was a great temptation. Because really it was more than half true. He had felt from the first that this was too small for Canterbury. C-note C. The real name of the place was Hazelbridge and not Canterbury at all. We went to Canterbury another time. C-note D. We were not angry with the lady for selling us about it being Canterbury because she had really kept it up first rate. And she asked us if we minded very handsomely and we said we liked it, but now we did not care how soon we got home. The lady saw this and said, Our chariots are ready and our horses comparisoned. That is a first rate word out of a book. It cheered Oswald up and he liked her for using it though he wondered why she said chariots. When we got back to the inn I saw her dog cart was there and a grocer's cart too with bee, mun, grocer, Hazelbridge on it. She took the girls in her cart and the boys went with the grocer. His horse was a very good one to go only you had to hit it with the wrong end of the whip but the cart was very bumpy. The evening's dews were falling at least I suppose so but you did not feel due in a grocer's cart when we reached home. We all thanked the lady very much and said we hoped we should see her again some day. She said she hoped so.  She turned at the corner to wave to us and just as we had done waving and were turning into the house Albert's uncle came into our midst like a whirling wind. He was in flannels and his shirt had no stud in at the neck and his hair was all rumpled up and his hands were inky and we knew he had left off in the middle of a chapter by the wildness of his eye. Who was that lady? he said. Where did you meet her? Mindful as ever of what he was told Oswald began to tell the story from the beginning. The other day protector of the poor he began Dora and I were reading about the Canterbury pilgrims. Oswald thought Albert's uncle would be pleased to find his instructions about beginning at the beginning had borne fruit but instead he interrupted Stow it you young duffer where did you meet her? Oswald answered briefly in wounded accents Hazelbridge Then Albert's uncle rushed upstairs three at a time and as he went he called out to Oswald get out my bike old man and blow up the back tyre I'm sure Oswald was as quick as anyone could have been but long ere the tyre was thoroughly blowed Albert's uncle appeared with a collar stud and tie and blazer and his hair tidy and wrenching the unoffending machine from Oswald's surprised fingers Albert's uncle finished pumping up the tyre and then flinging himself onto the saddle he set off scorching down the road at a pace not surpassed by any highwayman however black and high-metaled his steed looking at each other he must have recognised her Dicky said Perhaps, Noelle said she is the old nurse who alone knows the dark secret of his high-born birth not old enough by Chalks Oswald said I shouldn't wonder said Alice if she holds the secret of the will that will make him rolling in long lost wealth I wonder if he'll catch her Noelle said I'm quite certain all his future depends on it Perhaps she is his long lost sister and the estate was left to them equally only she couldn't be found so it couldn't be shared up Perhaps he's only in love with her Dora said parted by cruel fate at an early age he has ranged the wide world ever since trying to find her I hope to goodness he hasn't not ranged since we knew him never further than Hastings Oswald said we don't want any of that rot What rot? Daisy asked and Oswald said getting married and all that sort of rubbish and Daisy and Dora were the only ones that didn't agree with him even Alice owned that being bridesmaids must be fairly good fun it's no good you may treat girls as well as you like and give them every comfort and luxury and play fair just as if they were boys but there is something unmanly about the best of girls they go silly like milk goes sour without any warning when Albert's uncle returned he was very hot with a beaded brow but pale as the dentist when the peas were at their worst Did you catch her? H.O. asked Albert's uncle's brow looked black as the cloud that thunder will presently break from No, he said Is she your long lost nurse? H.O. went on before we could stop him Long lost grandmother I knew the lady long ago in India said Albert's uncle as he left the room slamming the door in a way we could be forbidden to and that was the end of the Canterbury pilgrimage As for the lady we did not then know whether she was his long lost grandmother that he had known in India or not though we thought she seemed youngish for the part we found out afterwards whether she was or not but that comes in another part his manner was not the one that makes you go on asking questions the Canterbury pilgriming did not exactly make us good but then as Dora said we had not done anything wrong that day so we were 24 hours to the good Note A afterwards we went and saw real Canterbury it is very large a disagreeable man showed us round the cathedral and jawed all the time quite loud as if it wasn't a church I remember one thing he said it was this this is the Dean's Chapel it was the Lady Chapel in the wicked days when people used to worship the Virgin Mary and H.O. said I suppose they worship the Dean now some strange people who were there laughed out loud I think this is worse in church than not taking your cap off when you come in as H.O. forgot to do because the cathedral was so big he didn't think it was a church Note B C. Note C Note C C. Note D Note D C. Note E Note E C. Note A This ends The Canterbury Pilgrims End of Chapter 12 read by Alanard Hazelchant of Tumbridge in Kent, England Chapter 13 of The Woodbeckards This is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Hazel and Alanchant The Woodbeckards by Enesbit being the further adventures of the treasure seekers Chapter 13 The Dragon's Teeth or Army Seed Albert's uncle was out on his bicycle as usual after the day when we became Canterbury Pilgrims and were bought home in the dog cart with red wheels by the lady he told us was his long lost grandmother he had known years ago in India he spent not nearly so much of his time in writing and he used to shave every morning instead of only when requisite as in earlier days and he was always going out on his bicycle in his new Norfolk suit we are not so unobserving as grown up people make out we knew well enough he was looking for the long lost and we jolly well wished he might find her Oswald, always full of sympathy with misfortune however undeserved, had himself tried several times to find the lady so had the others but all this is what they call a digression it has nothing to do with the dragon's teeth I am now narrating it began with the pig dying it was the one we had had for the circus but it having behaved so badly that day had nothing to do with its illness and death though the girls said they felt remorse and perhaps if we hadn't made it run so that day it might have been spared to us but Oswald cannot pretend that people were right just because they happened to be dead and as long as that pig was alive we all knew well enough that it was that made us run and not us it the pig was buried in the kitchen garden Bill that we made the tombstone for dug the grave and while he was away at his dinner we took a turn at digging because we like to be useful and besides when you dig you never know what you might turn up I knew a man once that found a gold ring on the point of his fork when he was digging potatoes and you know how we found two half crowns ourselves once when we were digging for treasure Oswald was taking his turn with the spade and the others were sitting on the gravel and telling him how to do it work with a will Dicky said yawning Alice said I wish we were in a book the people in books never dig without finding something I think I'd rather it was a secret passage than anything Oswald stopped to wipe his honest brow air replying a secret's nothing when you found it out look at the secret staircase it's no good not even for hide and seek because of its squeaking I'd rather have the pot of gold we used to dig for when we were little it was really only last year but you seem to grow old very quickly after you have once passed the prime of your youth which is ten I believe how would you like to find the mouldering bones of a royalist soldier's fowly done to death by nasty iron sides Noel asked with his mouth full of plum if they were really dead it wouldn't matter Dora said what I'm afraid of is a skeleton that can walk about and catch at your legs when you're going upstairs to bed skeletons can't walk Alice said in a hurry you know they can't Dora and she glared at Dora till she made her sorry she said what she had the things you are frightened of or even those you would rather not meet in the dark should never be mentioned before the little ones or else they cry when it comes to bedtime and say it was because of what you said we shan't find anything no jolly fear said Dicky and just then my spade I was digging with struck on something hard and it felt hollow I did really think for one joyful space that we had found that pot of gold but the thing whatever it was seemed to be longish longer that is than a pot of gold would naturally be and as I uncovered it I saw that it was not the pot of gold colour but like a bone pincher had buried so Oswald said it is the skeleton the girls all drew back and Alice said Oswald I wish you wouldn't a moment later the discovery was unearthed and Oswald lifted it up with both hands it's a dragon's head Noel said and it certainly looked like it it was long and narrowish and bony and with great yellow teeth sticking in the jaw Bill came back just then and said it was a horse's head but H.O. and Noel would not believe it and Oswald owns that no horse he has ever seen had a head at all that shape but Oswald did not stop to argue because he saw a keeper who showed me how to set snares going by and he wanted to talk to him about ferrets so he went off with Dicky and Denny and Alice with him also Daisy and Dora went off to finish reading ministering children so H.O. and Noel were left alone with the bony head they took it away the incident had quite faded from the mind of Oswald next day but just before breakfast Noel and H.O. came in looking hot and anxious they had got up early and had not washed at all not even their hands and faces Noel made Oswald a secret sign all the others saw it and with proper delicate feeling pretended not to have when Oswald had gone out with Noel and H.O. in obedience to the secret signal Noel said you know that dragon's head yesterday well Oswald said quickly but not crossly the two things are quite different well you know what happened in Greek history when some chap sewed dragon's teeth they came up armed men said H.O. but Noel sternly bade him shut up and Oswald said well again if he spoke impatiently it was because he smelt the bacon being taken into breakfast well Noel went on what do you suppose would have come up if we'd sewed those dragon's teeth we found yesterday why nothing you young duffer said Oswald who could now smell the coffee all that isn't history it's humbug come on into Brecca it's not humbug H.O. cried it is history we did sew shut up said Noel again look here Oswald we did sew those dragon's teeth in Randall's 10 acre meadow and what do you think has come up toadstalls I should think was Oswald's contemptible rejoinder they have come up a camp of soldiers said Noel armed men so you see it was history we have sewed army seed just like Cadmus and it has come up it was a very wet night I daresay it helped it along Oswald could not decide which to disbelieve his brother or his ears so disguising his doubtful emotions without a word he led the way to the bacon and the banqueting hall he said nothing about the army seed then neither did Noel and H.O. but after the bacon we went into the garden and then the good elder brother said why don't you tell the others your cock and bull story so they did and their story was received with warm expressions of doubt it was Dickie who observed let's go and have a squint at Randall's 10 acre anyhow I saw a hair there the other day we went it is some little way and as we went disbelief reigned superb in every breast except Noel's and H.O.'s so you will see that even the ready pen of the present author cannot be expected to describe to you his variable sensations when he got to the top of the hill and suddenly saw that his little brothers had spoken the truth I do not mean that they generally tell lies but people make mistakes sometimes and the effect is the same as lies if you believe them there was a camp there with real tents and soldiers in grey and red tunics I daresay the girls would have said coats we stood in ambush to astonish even to think of lying in it though of course we know that this is customary the ambush was the wood on top of the little hill between Randall's 10 acre meadow and Sugden's waist wake pasture there would be cover here for a couple of regiments whispered Oswald who was I think gifted by fate with the far seeingness of a born general Alice merely said ist and we went down to mingle with the troops as though by accident and seek for information the first man we came to at the edge of the camp was cleaning a sort of cauldron thing like witches brew bats in we went up to him and said who are you? are you English? or are you the enemy? we're the enemy he said and he did not seem ashamed of being what he was and he spoke English with quite a good accent for a foreigner the enemy Oswald echoed in shocked tones it is a terrible thing to a loyal and patriotic youth to see an enemy cleaning a pot in an English field with English sand and looking as much at home as if he was in his foreign fastness the enemy seemed to read Oswald's thoughts with deadly unerringness he said the English are somewhere over the other side of the hill they are trying to keep us out of Maidstone after this our plan of mingling with the troops did not seem worth going on with this soldier in spite of his unerringness in reading Oswald's innermost heart seemed not so very sharp in other things or he would never have given away his secret plans like this for he must have known from our accents that we were Britons to the backbone well perhaps Oswald thought this and it made his blood at once boil and freeze which our uncle had told us was possible but only in India perhaps he thought that Maidstone was already as good as taken and it didn't matter what he said while Oswald was debating within his intellect what to say next and how to say it so as to discover as many as possible of the enemy's dark secrets Noel said how did you get here you weren't here yesterday at tea time the soldier gave the pot another sandy rub and said I dare say it does seem quick work the camp seems as if it had sprung up in the night doesn't it like a mushroom Alice and Oswald looked at each other and then at the rest of us the words sprung up in the night seemed to touch a string in every heart you see whispered Noel he won't tell us how he came here now is it humbug or history Oswald after whispered Lee requesting his young brother to dry up and not bother remarked then you're an invading army well said the soldier we're a skeleton battalion as a matter of fact but we're invading all right enough and now indeed the blood of the stupidest of us froze just as the quick witted Oswald's had done earlier in the interview even H.O. opened his mouth and went the colour of mottled soap he is so fat that this is the nearest he can go to turning pale Denny said but you don't look like skeletons the soldier stared then he laughed and said ah that's the padding in our tunics you should see us in the grey dawn taking our morning bath in a bucket it was a dreadful picture for the imagination a skeleton with its bones all loose most likely bathing anyhow in a pail there was a silence while we thought it over now ever since the cleaning cauldron soldier had said that about taking maidstone Alice had kept on pulling at Oswald's jacket behind and he had kept on not taking any notice but now he could not stand it any longer so he said what is it? Alice drew him aside or rather she pulled at his jacket so that he nearly fell over backwards and then she whispered come along don't start parlaying with the foe he's only talking to you to gain time what for? said Oswald why so that we shouldn't warn the other army you silly Alice said and Oswald was so upset by what she said that he forgot to be properly angry with her for the wrong word she used but we ought to warn them at home she said suppose the moat house was burned down and all the supplies commandeered for the foe Alice turned boldly to the soldier do you burn down farms? she asked well not as a rule he said and he had the cheek to wink at Oswald but Oswald would not look at him we've not burned a farm since oh not for years a farm in Greek history it was I expect Denny murmured civilized warriors do not burn farms nowadays Alice said sternly whatever they did in Greek times you ought to know that the soldier said things had changed a good deal since Greek times so we said good morning as quickly as we could it is proper to be polite even to your enemy except just at the moments when it had really come to rifles and bayonets or other weapons the soldier said so long in quite a modern voice and we retraced our footsteps in silence to the ambush I mean the wood Oswald did think of lying in ambush then but it was rather wet because of the rain the night before that H.O. said had brought the army seed up and Alice walked very fast saying nothing but hurry up can't you and dragging H.O. by one hand and knoll by the other so we got into the road then Alice faced round and said this is all our fault if we hadn't sewed those dragons teeth there wouldn't have been any invading army I'm sorry to say that Daisy said never mind Alice dear we didn't sew the nasty things did we Dora but Denny told her it was just the same it was we had done it so long as it was any of us especially if it got any of us into trouble Oswald was very pleased to see that the dentist was beginning to understand the meaning of true manliness and about the honour of the House of Bastable though of course he is only a fox yet it is something to know he does his best to learn if you are very grown up or very clever I dare say you will now have thought of a great many things if you have you need not say anything especially if you're reading this aloud to anybody it's no good putting in what you think in this part because none of us thought anything of the kind at the time we simply stood in the road without any of your clever thoughts filled with shame and distress to think of what might happen owing to the dragons teeth being sewn it was a lesson to us never to sow seed without being quite sure what sort it is this is particularly true of the penny packets which sometimes do not come up at all quite unlike dragons teeth of course H.O. and Noel were more unhappy than the rest of us this was only fair how can we possibly prevent their getting to made stone? Dicky said did you notice the red cuffs on their uniforms taken from the bodies of dead English soldiers I shouldn't wonder if they're the old Greek kind of dragons teeth soldiers they ought to fight each other to death Noel said at least if we had a helmet to throw among them but none of us had and it was decided that it would be of no use for H.O. to go back and throw his straw hat at them though he wanted to Denny said suddenly couldn't we alter the signposts so that they wouldn't know the way to made stone Oswald saw that this was the time for true generalship to be shown he said fetch all the tools out of the chest Dicky go to there's a good chap and don't let him cut his legs with the saw he did once tumbling over it meet at the crossroads you know where we had the benevolent bar courage and dispatch and look sharp about it when they had gone we hastened to the crossroads and there a great idea occurred to Oswald he used the forces at his command so ably that in a very short time the board in the field which says no thoroughfare trespasses will be prosecuted was set up in the middle of the road to made stone we put stones from a heap by the road to make it stand up then Dicky and Denny came back and Dicky shinned up the signpost and sawed off the two arms and we nailed them up wrong so that it said to made stone on the Dover road and to Dover on the road to made stone we decided to leave the trespasses board on the real made stone road as an extra guard then we settled to start at once to warn made stone some of us did not want the girls to go but it would have been very unkind to say so however there was at least one breast that felt a pang of joy when Dora and Daisy gave out that they would rather stay where they were and tell anybody who came by which was the real road because it would be so dreadful if someone was going to buy pigs or fetch a doctor or anything in a hurry and then found out they had got to Dover instead of where they wanted to go Dora said but when it came to dinner time they went home so that they were entirely out of it this often happens to them by some strange fatalism we left Martha to take care of the two girls and Lady and Pinscher went with us it was getting late in the day but I am bound to remember no one said anything about their dinners whatever they may have thought we cannot always help our thoughts we happen to know it was roast rabbits and current jelly that day we walked two and two and sang the British grenadiers and soldiers of the Queen so as much to be part of the British army as possible the cauldron man had said the English were the other side of the hill but we could not see any scarlet anywhere though we looked for it as carefully as if we had been fierce bulls but suddenly we went round a turn in the road and came plump into a lot of soldiers only they were not red coats they were dressed in grey and silver and it was a sort of fursy commonplace and three roads branching out the men were lying about with some of their belts undone smoking pipes and cigarettes it's not British soldiers Alice said oh dear oh dear I'm afraid it's more enemy you didn't sow the army seed anywhere else did you H.O. dear H.O. was positive he hadn't but perhaps lots more came up where we did sow them he said and they're all over England by now very likely I don't know how many men can grow out of one dragon's tooth then Noel said it was my doing anyway and I'm not afraid he walked straight up to the nearest soldier who was cleaning his pipe with a piece of grass and said please are you the enemy the man said no young commander in chief we're the English then Oswald took command where is the general he said we're out of generals just now Field Marshal the man said and his voice was a gentleman's voice not a single one in stock we might suit you in mages now and captains are quite cheap competent corporals going for a song and we have a very nice Colonel too quiet to ride or drive Oswald does not mind chaff at proper times but this was not one you seem to be taking it very easy he said with a disdainful expression this is uneasy said the grey soldier sucking at his pipe to see if it would draw I suppose you don't care if the enemy gets into maidstone or not exclaimed Oswald bitterly if I were a soldier I'd rather die than be beaten the soldier saluted good old patriotic sentiment he said smiling at the heartfelt boy but Oswald could bear no more which is the Colonel he asked over there near the grey horse the one lighting a cigarette H.O. asked yes but I say kiddie he won't stand any jaw there's not an ounce of vice about him but he's peppery he might kick out you better bunk better what asked H.O. bunk, bottle, scoot, skip, vanish, exit said the soldier that's what you'd do when the fighting begins said H.O. he's often rude like that but it's what we all thought all the same the soldier only laughed a spirited but hasty altercation among ourselves in whispers ended in our allowing Alice to be the one to speak to the Colonel it was she who wanted to however peppery he is he won't kick a girl she said and perhaps this was true but of course we all went with her there were six of us to stand in front of the Colonel and as we went along we agreed that we would salute him on the word three so when we got near Dick said one, two, three and we all saluted very well except H.O. who chose that minute to trip over a rifle a soldier had left lying about and was only saved from falling by a man in a cocked hat who caught him deathly by the back of his jacket and stood him on his legs let go can't you said H.O. are you the general before the cocked hat had time to frame a reply Alice spoke to the Colonel I knew what she meant to say because she had told me as we threaded our way among the resting soldiery what she really said was oh how can you how can I what said the Colonel rather crossly why smoke said Alice my good children if you're an infant band of hope let me recommend you to play in some other back yard said the cock-hatted man H.O. said band of hope yourself but no one noticed it we are not a band of hope said Noel we're British and the man over there told us you are and made stones in danger and the enemy not a mile off and you stand smoking Noel was standing crying himself or something very like it it's quite true Alice said the Colonel said fiddle diddy but the cocked-hatted man said what was the enemy like we told him exactly and even the Colonel there owned that there might be something in it can you show me the place where they are on the map he asked not on the map we can't said Dickie at least I don't think so but on the ground we could we could take you there in a quarter of an hour the cock-hatted one looked at the Colonel who returned his scrutiny and he shrugged his shoulders well we've got to do something he said as if to himself lead on McDuff the Colonel roused his soldiery from their stupor of pipes by words of command which the present author is sorry he can't remember then he bade us boys lead the way I tell you it felt fine marching at the head of a regiment Alice got a lift on the cocked-hatted one's horse it was a red-roan steed of might exactly as if it had been in a ballad they call a grey-roan a blue in South Africa the cocked-hatted one said we led to the British army by unfrequented lanes till we got to the gate of Sugden's waste-wake pasture then the Colonel called a whispered halt and choosing two of us to guide him the dauntless and discerning commander went on on foot with an orderly he chose Dickie and Oswald as guides so we led him to the ambush and we went through it as quietly as we could but twigs do crackle and snap when you are reconnoitering or anxious to escape detection for whatever reason our Colonel's orderly crackled most if you are not near enough to tell a Colonel by the crown and stars on his shoulder strap you can tell him by the orderly behind him like following my leader look out! said Oswald in a low but commanding whisper the camp's down the field you can see if you take a squint through this gap the speaker took a squint himself as he spoke and drew back baffled beyond the power of speech while he was struggling with his baffledness the British Colonel had his squint he also drew back and said a word that he must have known was not right at least when he was a boy I don't care said Oswald they were there this morning white tents like mushrooms and an enemy cleaning a cauldron with sand said Dickie that's most convincing said the Colonel and I did not like the way he said it I say said Oswald let's get to the top corner of the ambush the wood I mean you can see the crossroads from there we did quickly for the crackling of bronches no longer dismayed our almost despairing spirits we came to the edge of the wood and Oswald's patriotic heart really did give a jump there he cried there they are on the Dover Road our miscellaneous signboard had done its work by Jove young and you're right and in quarter column two we've got them on toast on toast Digad I've never heard anyone not even in a book say a Gad before so I saw something really out of the way was indeed up the Colonel was a man of prompt and decisive action he sent the orderly to tell the major to advance two companies on the left flank and take cover then we led him back through the wood the nearest way because he said he must rejoin the main body at once we found the main body very friendly with Noel and H.O. and the others and Alice was talking to the cocked-hatted one as if she had known him all her life I think he's a general in disguise Noel said he's been giving us chocolate out of a pocket in his saddle Oswald thought about the roast rabbit then and he is not ashamed to own it yet he did not say a word but Alice is not really a bad sort she had saved two bars of chocolate for him and Dickie even in a war girls can sometimes be useful in their humble way the Colonel fussed about and said take cover there and everybody hid in the ditch and the horses and the cocked-hatted with Alice retreated down the road out of sight we were in the ditch too it was muddy but nobody thought of their boots in that perilous moment it seemed a long time we were crouching there Oswald began to feel the water squelching in his boots so we held our breath and listened Oswald laid his ear to the road like a red Indian you would not do this in time of peace but when your country is in danger you care but little about keeping your ears clean his backwoods strategy was successful he rose and dusted himself and said they're coming it was true the footsteps of the approaching foe were now to be heard quite audibly even by ears in their natural position the wicked enemy approached they were marching with a careless swaggeringness that showed how little they suspected the horrible doom which was about to teach them England's might and supremeness just as the enemy turned the corner so that we could see them the colonel shouted right section fire and there was a deafening banging the enemy's office has said something and then the enemy got confused and tried to get into the fields through the hedges but all was in vain there was firing now from our men on the left as well as the right and then our colonel strode nobly up to the enemy's colonel and demanded surrender he told me so afterwards his exact words are only known to himself and the other colonel but the enemy's colonel said I would rather die than surrender or words to that effect our colonel returned to his men and gave the order to fix bayonets and even Oswald felt his manly cheek turn pale at the thought of the amount of blood to be shed what would have happened can never now be revealed for at this moment a man on a piebald horse came clattering over a hedge as carelessly as if the air were not full of lead and steel at all another man rode behind him with a lance and a red pen and on it I think he must have been the enemy's general coming to tell his men not to throw away their lives on a forlorn hope for directly he said they were captured the enemy gave in and owned that they were the enemy's colonel saluted and ordered his men to form quarter column again I should have thought he would have had about enough of that myself he had now given up all thought of sullen resistance to the bitter end he rolled a cigarette for himself and had the foreign cheek to say to our general jove old man you got me clean that time your scout seemed to have marked us down uncommonly neatly it was a proud moment when our colonel laid his military hand on oswald's shoulder and said this is my chief scout which were high words but not undeserved and oswald owns he felt red with gratifying pride when he heard them so you are the traitor young man said the wicked colonel going on with his cheek oswald bore it because our colonel had and you should be generous to a fallen foe but it is hard to be called a traitor when you haven't he did not treat the wicked colonel with silent scorn as he might have done but he said we aren't traitors we are the bastibles and one of us is a forks mingled unsuspected with the enemy's soldiery and learned the secrets of their acts which is what bait and pal always does when the natives rebel in south africa and denny's forks thought of altering the signpost to lead the foe astray and if we did cause all this fighting and get maidstone threatened with capture and all that it was only because we didn't believe greek things could happen in great britain and ireland even if you sewed dragons teeth and besides some of us were not asked about sewing them then the cocked-hatted one led his horse and walked with us and made us tell him all about it and so did the colonel the wicked colonel listened too which was only another proof of his cheek and oswald told the tale in the modest yet manly way that some people think he has and gave the others all the credit they deserved his narration was interrupted no less than four times by shouts of bravo in which the enemy's colonel once more showed his cheek by joining by the time the story was told we were in sight of another camp it was the british one this time the colonel asked us to have tea in his tent and it only shows the magnanimosity of english chivalry in the field of battle that he asked the enemy's colonel too with his usual cheek he accepted we were jolly hungry when everyone had had as much tea as they possibly could the colonel shook hands with us all and to oswald he said well goodbye my brave scout i must mention your name in my dispatches to the war office h.o. interrupted him to say his names oswald sessel bastable and mine is horis Octavius i wish h.o. would learn to hold his tongue no one ever knows oswald was christened sessel as well if he could possibly help it you didn't know it till now mister oswald bastable the colonel went on he had the decency not to take any notice of the sessel you would be a credit to any regiment no doubt the war office will reward you properly for what you have done for your country but meantime perhaps you'll accept five shillings from a grateful comrade in arms oswald felt heart felt sorrow to wound the good colonel's feelings but he had to remark that he had only done his duty and was sure no british scout would take five bob for doing that and besides he said with that feeling of justice which is part of his young character it was the others just as much as me your sentiments sir said the colonel who was one of the politest and most discerning colonels i ever saw your sentiments do you want to but bastables all and non-bastables he couldn't remember folks it's not such an interesting name as bastable of course at least you'll accept a soldier's pay lucky to touch it a shilling a day alice and denny said together and the cock-hatted man said something about knowing your own mind and knowing your own kippling a soldier said the colonel would certainly be lucky to touch it you see there are deductions for russians five shillings is exactly right deducting topents each for six teas that seemed cheap for three cups of tea and three eggs and all the strawberry jam and bread and butter oswald had had as well as what the others ate and ladies and pinches teas soldiers get things cheaper than civilians which is only right oswald took the five shillings then there being no longer any scruples why he should not just as we had parted from the brave colonel and the rest we saw a bicycle coming it was albert's uncle he got off and said what on earth have you been up to what are you doing with those volunteers we told him the wild adventures of the day and he listened and then he said he would withdraw the word of volunteers if we liked but the seeds of doubt were sown in the breast of oswald he was now almost sure we had made jolly fools of ourselves without a moment's pause throughout the whole of this eventful day he said nothing at the time but after supper he had it out with albert's uncle about the word which had been withdrawn albert's uncle said of course no one could be sure that the dragon's teeth hadn't come up in the good old fashioned way but that on the other hand it was barely possible that both the british and the enemy were only volunteers having a field day or sham fight and he rather thought the cocked-hatted man was not a general but a doctor and the man with the red pen and carried behind him might have been the umpire oswald never told the others word of this their young breasts were all panting with joy because they had saved their country and it would have been but heartless unkindness to show them how silly they had been besides oswald felt he was much too old to have been so taken in if he had been besides albert's uncle did say no one could be sure about the dragon's teeth the thing that makes oswald feel most that perhaps the whole thing was a beastly cell was that we didn't see any wounded but he tries not to think of this and if he goes into the army when he grows up he will not go quite green he has had experience of the arts of war and the tented field and a real colonel has called him comrade in arms which is exactly what lord roberts called his own soldiers when he wrote home about them end of chapter 13 read by alan and hazel chant of tumbridge in kent england chapter 14 of the would be goods this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org recording by hazel and alan chant the would be goods by inesbit being the further adventures of the treasure seekers chapter 14 albert's uncle's grandmother or the long lost the shadow of the termination now descended in sable thunder clouds upon our devoted knobs as albert's uncle said school now gaped for its prey in a very short space of time we should be wending our way back to blackheath and all the very gated delightfulness of the country would soon be only preserved in memories faded flowers i don't care for that way of writing very much it would be an awful swat to keep it up looking out the words and all that to speak in the language of everyday life our holiday was jolly nearly up we had had a ripping time but it was all but over we really did feel sorry though of course it was rather decent to think of getting back to father and being able to tell the other chaps about our raft and the dam and the tower of mystery and things like that when but a brief time was left to us oswald and dicky met by chance in an apple tree that sounds like consequences but it is merely truthfulness dicky said only four more days oswald said yes there's one thing dicky said that beastly society we don't want that swarming all over everything when we get home we ought to dissolve it before we leave here the following dialogue now took place oswald i always said it was piffing rot dicky so did i let's call a council but don't forget we've jolly well got to put our foot down dicky assented and the dialogue concluded with apples the council when called was but in low spirits this made oswald's and dicky's task easier when people are sunk in gloomy despair about one thing they will agree to almost anything about something else remarks like this are called philosophic generalizations albert's uncle says oswald began by saying we've tried the society for being good in and perhaps it's done us good but now the time has come for each of us to be good or bad on his own without hanging on to the others the race is run by one and one but never by two and two the dentist said the others said nothing oswald went on i move that we chuck i mean dissolve the would be good society it's appointed task is done if it's not well done then that's it's fault and not ours dicky said here here i second this prop unexpected dentist said i third it at first i thought it would help but afterwards i saw it only made you want to be naughty just because you were a would be good oswald owns he was surprised we put it to the vote at once so as not to let denny call ho, noel and alice voted with us so daisy and dora were what is called a hopeless minority we tried to cheer their hopelessness by letting them read the things out of the golden deed book allowed noel hid his face in the straw so that we should not see the faces he made while he made poetry instead of listening and when the would be goods was by vote dissolved forever he sat up straws in his hair and said the epitaph the would be goods are dead and gone but not the golden deeds they have done these will remain upon glories page to be an example to every age and by this we have got to know how to be good upon our o nn is for noel that makes the rhyme and the sense both right own do you see we saw it and said so and the gentle poet was satisfied and the council broke up and the poet had been lifted from his expanding chest and it is curious that he never felt so inclined to be good and a model to youth as he did then as he went down the ladder out of the loft he said there's one thing we ought to do though before we go home we ought to find albert's uncle's long lost grandmother for him Alice's heart beat true and steadfast she said exactly what noel and I were saying this morning look out oswald you wretch you're kicking chaff into my eyes she was going down the ladder just under me oswald's younger sister's thought or remark ended in another council but not in the straw loft we decided to have a quite new place and disregarded ho's idea of the dairy and noels of the sellers we had the new council on the secret staircase and there we settled exactly what we ought to do this is the same thing if you really wish to be good as what you are going to do it was a very interesting council and when it was over oswald was so pleased to think that the would be good was uncoverishly dead that he gave denny and noel who were sitting on the step below him a good, humid, playful, gentle, loving, brotherly chaff and said get along now it's tea time no reader who understands justice and the real rightness of things and who is to blame for what will ever think it could have been oswald's fault that the two other boys got along down by rolling over and over each other and bursting the door at the bottom of the stairs open by their revolving bodies and I should like to know whose fault it was mrs pettigrew was just on the other side of the door at that very minute the door burst open and the impetuous bodies of noel and denny rolled out of it into mrs pettigrew and upset her and the tea tray both revolving boys were soaked with tea and milk and there were one or two cups and things smashed mrs pettigrew was knocked over but none of her bones were broken noel and denny were going to be sent to bed but oswald said it was all his fault he really did this to give the others a chance of doing a refined golden deed by speaking the truth and saying it was not his fault but you cannot really count on anybody they did not say anything but only rubbed the lumps on their late revolving heads so it was bed for oswald and he felt the injustice hard but he sat up in bed and read the last of the mohicans and then he began to think when oswald really thinks he almost always thinks of something he thought of something now and it was miles better than the idea we had decided on in the secret staircase of advertising in the kentish mercury and saying if albert's uncle's long lost grandmother would call it the moat house she might hear of something much to her advantage what oswald thought of was that if we went to hazelbridge and asked mr b munn grossa that drove us home in the cart with the horse that liked the wrong end of the whip best he would know who the lady was in the red hat and red wheels that paid him to drive us home that canterbury night he must have been paid of course for even grossers are not generous enough to drive perfect strangers and five of them too about the country for nothing thus we may learn that even unjustness and sending the wrong people to bed may bear useful fruit which ought to be a great comfort to everyone when they are unfairly treated only it most likely won't be for if oswald's brothers and sisters had nobly stood by him as he expected he would not have had the solitary reflections that led to the great scheme for finding the grandmother of course when the others came up to roost they all came and squatted on oswald's bed and said how sorry they were he waved their apologies with noble dignity because there wasn't much time and said he had an idea of the council's plan into a cocked hat but he would not tell them what it was he made them wait till next morning this was not sulk's but kind feeling he wanted them to have something else to think of besides the way they hadn't stood by him in the bursting of the secret staircase door and the tea tray and the milk next morning oswald kindly explained and asked who would volunteer and asked march to hazelbridge the word volunteer cost the young oswald a pang as soon as he had said it but i hope he can bear pangs with any man living and mind he added hiding the pang under a general like severness i won't have anyone in the expedition who has anything in his shoes except his feet this could not have been put more delicately and decently but oswald is often misunderstood even alice said it was unkind to throw the peas up at denny when this little unpleasantness had passed away it took some time because daisy cried and dora said there now oswald there were seven volunteers which with oswald made eight and was indeed all of us there were no cockle shells or staves or scripts or anything romantic and pious about the eight persons who set off for hazelbridge that morning more earnestly wishful to be good and deedful at least oswald i know was than ever they had been in the days of the beastly would be good society it was a fine day either it was fine nearly all last summer which is how oswald remembers it or else nearly all the interesting things that we did came on fine days with hearts light and gay and no peas in anyone's shoes the walk to hazelbridge was perseveringly conducted we took our lunch with us and the deer dogs afterwards we wished for a time that we had left one of them at home but they did so want to come all of them and hazelbridge is not nearly as far as canterbury really so even martha was caught on her things i mean her collar and come with us she walked slowly but we had the day before us so there was no extra hurry at hazelbridge we went into be muns grosser shop and asked for ginger beer to drink they gave it to us but they seemed surprised at us wanting to drink it there and the glass was warm it had just been washed we only did it really so as to get into conversation with be mun grosser and extract information without rousing suspicion you cannot be too careful however when we had said it was first class ginger beer and paid for it we found it not so easy to extract anything more from be mun grosser and there was an anxious silence while he fiddled about behind the counter among the tinned meats and sauce bottles with a fringe of hobnail boots hanging over his head suddenly he is like the sort of person who rushes in where angels fear to tread as denny says say what sort of person that is he said i say you remember driving us home that day who paid for the cart of course be mun grosser was not such a nincompoop i like that word it means so many people i know as to say right off i was paid all right young gentlemen don't you terrify yourself people in kent say terrify when they mean worry so dora shoved in a gentle awe she said we want to know the kind lady's name and address so that we can write and thank her for being so jolly that day be mun grosser muttered something about the lady's address being goods he was often asked for alice said but do tell us we forgot to ask her she's a relation of a second hand uncle of ours and i do so want to thank her properly and if you've got any extra strong peppermints at a penny an ounce we should like a quarter of a pound this was a masterstroke while he was weighing out the peppermints his heart got soft and just as he was twisting up the corner of the paper bag dora said what lovely fat peppermints do tell us and be mun's heart was now quite melted he said it's miss ashley and she lives at the cedars about a mile down the maidstone road we thanked him and alice paid for the peppermints oswald was a little anxious when she ordered such a lot but she and knoll had got the money all right and when we were outside the hazelbridge green a good deal of it is gravel really we stood and looked at each other then dora said let's go home and write a beautiful letter and all sign it oswald looked at the others writing is all very well but it's such a beastly long time to wait for anything to happen afterwards the intelligent alice defined his thoughts and the dentist defined hers he is not clever enough yet to divine oswald's and the two said together why not go and see her she did say she would like to see us again someday dora replied so after we had argued a little about it we went and before we had gone a hundred yards down the dusty road she began to make us wish with all our hearts that we had not let her come she began to limp just as a pilgrim who I will not name did when he had the split peas in his silly palmering shoes so we called hort and looked at her feet one of them was quite swollen and red bulldogs almost always have something to matter with their feet and it always comes on when least required they are not the right breed for emergencies there was nothing for it but to take it in turns to carry her she is very stout and you have no idea how heavy she is a half hearted unadventurous person name no names but oswald alice null dicky daisy and denny will understand me said why not go straight home and come another day without martha but the rest agreed with oswald when he said it was only a mile and perhaps you might get a lift home with the poor invalid martha was very grateful to us for our kindness she put her fat white arms around the person's neck who happened to be carrying her she is very affectionate but by holding her very close to you you can keep her from kissing your face all the time as alice said bulldogs do give you such large wet pink kisses a mile is a good way when you have to take your turn at carrying martha at last we came to a hedge with a ditch in front of it and chains swinging from posts to keep people off the grass and out of the ditch and a gate with the cedars on it in gold letters all very neat and tidy showing plainly that more than one gardener was kept there we stopped and put martha down grunting with exhaustedness and said look here dora and daisy I don't believe a bit that it's his grandmother I'm sure dora was right and it's only his horrid sweetheart I feel it in my bones now don't you really think we'd better chuck it we're sure to catch it for interfering we always do the cross of true love never did come smooth we ought to help him bear his cross but if we find her for him and she's not his grandmother he'll marry her dick he said in tones of gloominess and despair oswald felt the same but he said never mind we should all hate it but perhaps albert's uncle might like it you never can tell if you want to do a really unselfish action and no kid nails your time my late would be goods no one had the face to say right out that they didn't want to be unselfish but it was with sad hearts that the unselfish seekers opened the long gate and went up the gravel drive between the road edendrons and other shrubberies towards the house I think I have explained to you before that the eldest son of anybody is called the representative when his father isn't there that was why oswald now took the lead when we got to the last turn of the drive it was settled that the others were too noiselessly ambush in the road edendrons and oswald was to go on alone and ask at the house for the grandmother from india, I mean miss ashley so he did but when he got to the front of the house and saw how neat the flower beds were red geraniums and the windows all bright and speckless with muslin blinds and brass rods and a green parrot in a cage in the porch and the doorstep newly whited lying clean and untrodden in the sunshine he stood still and thought of his boots and how dusty the roads were and wished he had not gone into the farmyard after eggs before starting that morning as he stood there in anxious uncertainness he heard a low voice among the bushes it said oswald here and it was the voice of alice so he went back to the others among the shrubs and they all crowded around their leader full of important news she's not in the house she's here alice said in a low whisper that seemed nearly all esses close by she went by just this minute with a gentleman and they're sitting on a seat under a tree on a little lawn and she's got her head on his shoulder and he's holding her hand I never saw anyone look so silly in all my born Dickie said it's sickening denny said trying to look very manly with his legs wide apart no I suppose it wasn't albert's uncle not much Dickie briefly replied then don't you see it's alright if she's going on like that with this fellow she'll want to marry him and albert's uncle is safe and we've really done an unselfish action without having to suffer for it afterwards with a stealthy movement Oswald rubbed his hands as he spoke in real joyfulness we decided that we had better bunk unnoticed but we had reckoned without martha she had strolled off limping to look about her a bit in the shrubbery where's martha dora suddenly said she went that way pointingly remarked H.O. then fetch her back you young duffer what did you let her go for and look sharp don't make a row he went a minute later we heard a horse squeak from martha the one she always gives when suddenly collared from behind and a little squeal in a ladylike voice and a man say hello and then we knew that H.O. had once more rushed in where angels might have thought twice about it we hurried to the fatal spot but it was too late we were just in time to hear H.O. say I'm sorry if she's frightened you but we've been looking for you are you albert's uncle's long lost grandmother no said our lady unhesitatingly it seemed vain to add seven more agitated actors to the scene now going on we stood still the man was standing up he was a clergyman and I found out afterwards no except her own Mr.Briston at louisham who is now a canon or a dean or something grand that no one ever sees at present I did not like him he said no this lady is nobody's grandmother may I ask in return how long it is since you escaped from the lunatic asylum my poor child and weren't your keeper is H.O. took no notice of this at all except to say I think you are very rude if you think you are the lady said my dear I remember you now perfectly how are all the others and are you pilgrims again today H.O. does not always answer questions he turned to the man and said are you going to marry the lady Margaret said the clergyman I never thought it would come to this he asks me my intentions if you are said H.O. it's all right because if you do albert's uncle can't at least not till you're dead and we don't want him to flattering upon my word said the clergyman putting on a deep frown shall I call him out Margaret for his poor opinion of you or shall I send for the police Alice now saw that H.O. though firm was getting muddled and rather scared she broke cover and sprang into the middle of the scene don't let him rag H.O. any more she said it's all our faults you see albert's uncle was so anxious to find you we thought perhaps you were his long lost heiress sister or his old nurse who alone knew the secret of his birth or something and we asked him and he said you were his long lost grandmother he had known in India and we thought that must be a mistake and that really you were his long lost sweetheart we tried to do a really unselfish act and find you for him because we don't want him to be married at all it isn't because we don't like you Oswald cut in now emerging from the bushes and if he must marry we'd sooner it was you than anyone else really we would a generous concession Margaret the strange clergyman uttered most generous but the plot thickens peace soup like now one or two points clamor for explanation who are these visitors of yours why this red Indian method of paying morning calls why the lurking attitude of the rest of the tribe which I now discern among the undergrowth won't you ask the rest of the tribe to come out and join the glad throng then I liked him better I always like people who know the same songs they do and books and tunes and things the others came out the lady looked very uncomfy and partly as if she was going to cry but she couldn't help laughing too as more and more of us came out and who the clergyman went on who in fortunes name is Albert and who is his uncle and what have they or you to do in this galer I mean garden we all felt rather silly and I don't think I ever felt more than then what an awful lot of us there were three years absencing Calcutta or elsewhere may explain my ignorance of these details but still I think we'd better go said Dora I'm sorry if we've done anything rude or wrong we didn't mean to goodbye I hope you'll be happy gentlemen I'm sure I hope so too said Noel and I know he was thinking how much nicer Albert's uncle was we turned to go the lady had been very silent compared with what she was when she pretended to show us canterbury but now she seemed to shake off some dreamy silliness and caught hold of Dora by the shoulder no dear no she said all right and you must have some tea we'll have it on the lawn John don't tease them anymore Albert's uncle is the gentleman I told you about and my dear children this is my brother that I haven't seen for three years then he's a long lost too said H.O. the lady said not now and smiled at him and the rest of us were done with confounding emotions Oswald was particularly dumb he might have known it was her brother because in rotten grown-up books if a girl kisses a man in a shrubbery that is not the man you think she is in love with it always turns out to be a brother though generally the disgrace of the family and not a respectable chaplain from Colcutta the lady now turned to her reverent and surprising brother and said John go and tell them we'll have tea on the lawn when he was gone she stood quite still a minute then she said I am going to tell you something but I want to put you on your honor not to talk about it to other people you see it isn't everyone I would tell about it he Albert's uncle I mean has told me a lot about you and I know I can trust you we said yes Oswald with a brooding sentiment of knowing all too well what was coming next the lady then said though I am not Albert's uncle's grandmother I did know him in India once and we were going to be married but we had a a misunderstanding quarrel row said Noel and H.O. at once well yes a quarrel and he went away he was in the navy then and then well we were both sorry but well anyway when his ship came back we'd gone to Constantinople then to England and he couldn't find us and he says he's been looking for me ever since not you for him said Noel well perhaps said the lady and the girls said ah with deep interest the lady went on more quickly and then I found you and then he found me and now I must break it to you try to bear up she stopped the branches cracked and Albert's uncle was in our midst he took off his hat excuse my tearing my hair he said to the lady but has the pack really hunted you down it's all right she said and when she looked at him she got miles prettier quite suddenly I was just breaking it to them don't take that proud privilege for me he said kiddies allow me to present to you the future Mrs. Albert's uncle or shall we say Albert's new aunt there was a good deal of explaining done before tea about how we got there I mean and why but after the first bitterness of disappointment we felt not nearly so sorry as we had expected to for Albert's uncle's lady was jolly to us and her brother was awfully decent and showed us a lot of first class native curiosities and things unpacking them on purpose skins of beasts and beads and brass things and shells from different savage lands and the lady told the girls that she hoped they would like her as much as she liked them and if they wanted a new aunt she would do her best to give satisfaction in the new situation and Alice thought of the Murdstone aunt belonging to Daisy and Denny and how awfully it would have been if Albert's uncle had married her and she decided she told me afterwards that we might think ourselves jolly lucky it was no worse then the lady let Oswald aside pretending to show him the parrot which he had explored thoroughly before and told him she was not like some people in books when she was married she would never try to separate her husband from his bachelor friends she only wanted them to be her friends as well then there was tea all ended in amicableness and the reverent and friendly drove us home in a wagonette but for Martha we shouldn't have had tea or explanations or lift or anything so we honoured her and did not mind her being so heavy and walking up and down constantly on our laps as we drove home and that is all the story of the long lost grandmother and Albert's uncle I am afraid it is rather dull but it was very important to him so I felt it ought to be narrated stories about lovers and getting married are generally slow I like a love story where the hero parts with the girl at the garden gate in the gloaming and goes off and has adventures and you don't see her anymore till he comes home to marry her at the end of the book and I suppose people have to marry Albert's uncle is awfully old more than 30 and the lady is advanced in years 26 next Christmas they are to be married then the girls are to be bridesmaids in white frocks with fur this quite consoles them if Oswald repines sometimes he hides it what's the use we all have to meet our fell destiny and Albert's uncle is not extirpated from this awful law now the finding of the long lost was the very last thing we did for the sake of its being a noble act so that is the end of the would be goods and there are no more chapters after this but Oswald hates books that finish up without telling you the things you might want to know about the people in the book so here goes we went home to the beautiful blackheath house it seemed very stately and mansion like after the motel and everyone was most frightfully pleased to see us Mrs. Pettigrew cried when we went away I never was so astonished in my life she made each of the girls a fat red pincushion like a heart and each of us boys had a knife brought out of the housekeeping I mean housekeeper's own money Bill Simpkins is happy a sub under gardener to Albert's uncle's lady's mother I knew they did and our tramp still earns enough to sleep well on from our dear old pigman our last three days were entirely filled up with visits of fair well sympathy to all our many friends who were so sorry to lose us we promised to come and see them next year I hope we shall Denny and Daisy went back to live with their father at Forest Hill I don't think they'll ever be again the victims of the Murdstone aunt who is really a great aunt and about twice as much in the autumn of her days as our new Albert's uncle's aunt I believe they plucked up spirit enough to tell their father that they didn't like her which they'd never thought of doing before our own robber says their holidays in the country did them both a great deal of good and he says us bastables have certainly taught Daisy and Denny the rudiments of the art of making home happy I believe they have thought of several quite new naughty things entirely on their own and done them too since they came back from the motel I wish you didn't grow up so quickly Oswald can see that ere long he will be too old for the kind of games we can all play and he feels grown upness creeping in audiously upon him but enough of this and now gentle reader farewell if anything in these chronicles of the would be goods should make you try to be good yourself the author will be very glad of course but take my advice and don't make a society for trying it it is much easier without and do try to forget that Oswald has another name besides the one beginning with C I mean perhaps you have not noticed what it was if so don't look back for it for it is a name no manly boy would like to be called by if he spoke the truth Oswald is said to be a very manly boy and he despises that name and will never give it to his own son when he has one not if a rich relative offered to leave him an immense fortune if he did Oswald would still be firm he would on the honour of the House of Bastable end of chapter 14 and end of the would be goods by Inesbit being the further adventures of the treasure seekers read by Alan at Hazelchant of Tumbridge in Kent, England in 2007 and 2008 and very nearly 2009


I want to remind you about thyroid hormone and how this was one of the hormones that was regulated by the hypothalamus and the pituitary. So look at my cute little half-headed kid and remind yourself that this is the pituitary gland and this is the hypothalamus, just to orient you to where we're talking about. So this is just a blown up view of my little half head kid. Remind yourself that the hypothalamus is going to bust a move and produce a hormone called TRH or thyrotropin-releasing hormone. And remember that TRH from the hypothalamus was dumped into that portal system between the hypothalamus and anterior pituitary. And when hypothalamus says, whoa, we need some more metabolic action, dog pounds, TRH is delivered to ant pit. Ant pit says, I got this. I got just the thing, thyroid-stimulating hormone. Ant pit says, dude, let's dump thyroid-stimulating hormone into the blood. Thyroid-stimulating hormone heads to the thyroid gland, which increases the production and release of T3 and T4. Now, the question is, how does it do that? How does TSH actually increase thyroid hormone production? Are you ready for this? Here's a list. Number one, it increases the chopping rate of thyroglobulin. So remember our thyroglobulin had all those iodines on it and we were making it into T3 and T4. We increase the choppage, increase the number of enzymes that are going to cut that up and that will make more hormone. You can increase the rate at which iodine is absorbed into the colloid. So the more iodine you get, the more thyroid hormone you can produce. You can increase the rate at which thyroid, I mean, iodine is added to the thyroglobulin. So if you add the iodine faster, you can make more thyroid hormone. You can increase the size and activity of the thyroid cells. So all those cells surrounding the follicles, you're like, dude, we need you bigger, bigger, bigger. In fact, that's one of the reasons why if we have an overproduction of that message, the thyroid gland will actually grow. And along the same lines, we can just grow the number of thyroid cells, follicle cells. And if we make those, if we make more follicle cells, we're going to have a bigger thyroid gland. All of that will increase T3 and T4. Those are all things that you should be able to logic through and go, yeah, that makes sense that I would increase thyroid hormone. Now, the thyroid gland is involved in calcium homeostasis. There are lots of other things involved in calcium homeostasis as well. So we're going to look at an overview of calcium homeostasis. We're going to look at the bones and how that's involved. And then we're going to look at some of the hormones that are produced by the thyroid gland and by the parathyroid glands, which have you ever heard of those. And we'll see, spend the rest of the lecture talking about calcium.


A useful tool in mathematics, physics, chemistry, biology, economics, business, administration, and pretty much everything else that uses numbers is called dimensional analysis. Dimensional analysis is based on the following principles. Units can be treated like algebraic variables and, well, actually everything you know about algebra. Now, if you're going to be looking at the units, it helps if you know some basic units, so some basic units of length. For the metric units, the meter typically abbreviated m and the kilometer, and these are used everywhere except in a few backwards countries. These backwards countries use units like the foot, the mile, and the inch. We can combine these basic units to produce what are called derived units, so a simple set of the derived units, if our unit of length is the meter, then the unit of area is the square meter, which will write m squared. That corresponds to the area of a square one meter on a side. The unit of volume is the cubic meter, m cubed, which is the volume of the cube one meter on a side. And again, if you're in one of those backwards countries where you have to measure length in feet, in these cases, area is measured in acre, don't wait, square feet, feet squared, and volume is measured in cubic feet, feet cubed. Let's see how we can use this. So suppose w equals three meters and h equals two meters. First of all, let's find w, h, and then let's determine what it represents. So the key idea here is that units act like algebraic variables, and in particular we can treat the units as algebraic variable factors. So for example, three meters can be read as three m, where m is our symbol for meter. Two meters is two m. And so when I compute w, h, that's really three m times two m, and if we multiply that out we get six m squared. Now we get the numerical part of our answer, six, but we also get this unit part of our answer, m squared. And since the units are m squared, or square meters, then the quantity we find is an area. Now some quantities in a formula might be pure numbers. Countries have no units. For example, we might have something that actually is a pure number like one-half in the formula one-half b times h. Or we might have a constant like the pi in the formula pi r squared. And there are other things which we'll talk about later. So for example, suppose r equals five meters and h equals two meters. That quantity is measured by six pi r squared h. So we can compute that six pi r squared h, while six and pi are pure numbers so they don't have any units associated with them. Meanwhile, r is five meters, five m, and h is two meters, two m. So let's substitute those values into our formula and we can multiply. Sometimes we have the numerical part of our answer, 300 pi, but we also have the units m cubed cubic meters. And because the thing that cubic meters measures is a volume, whatever we found, it will be a volume. So here's a very useful idea from dimensional analysis. If the units don't measure what you want, the answer is guaranteed to be wrong. And this could be very helpful if we're not entirely sure how we want to proceed on a problem. So suppose the sphere has a radius of two meters and we want to find the area. Well, we sort of remember that the area for a sphere has a four and there's a pi in there and r has to play a role and so maybe it's four pi r cubed. Well, let's see if four pi r cubed gives us the area. And we can do that by finding the units. So if we compute with the units and four pi r cubed becomes, but our units are cubic meters and this is not a unit of area. And so our answer is guaranteed to be wrong. And even more dramatically, can the area of a racetrack be found by using the formula, I don't know, wh plus 2w plus 2h? Where w and h are lengths? Now we're not given the values of w and h, but for measuring them in meters. Well, let w be a meters and h equals b meters, then our formula gives us. And remember, these units are acting just like algebraic variables. So this is like having an x squared term and a couple of x terms.  So if you want to figure out what the units of the answer are, well, actually it's not clear what we've actually found, but we can definitely guarantee that it's not area because the units are not meters squared.