He's my warning Yeah, he's a father. He's a father.   I felt bad for my mom's caregiver Elizabeth. She's African-American woman from Ghana She has a morning client. She's black. She's black. She has a morning. She has a morning client On the safe street and lower rise. So because it was raining She took an uber only three minutes away. They charge her like Nine bucks just to drive eight minutes from low right a low right I said, you know, they charge you 12 and only cost me it only cost me 11 dollars to get the holy name hospital in Antinix, so how could it be not so I told her you better contact them and Or take I was in the bathroom. Did you talk any sense under it? No, I try to give her advice She said she'll take it. Oh, you will not know it stop it She said she'll tell you say what advice did he give you Oh, he said that one I was here. What do you know? I said it again No, I told her I told her the importance of the programs that you might qualify for it. What's the Newark ship though? I don't get this You know you can't go to Newark anyway, and I told her about my the wrong county Jimmy that that's Essex County That's not even that's not even Bergen County. Who is the shite? You can't go to that honey. Who is the scheister that rang your doorbell? You've got to stay in Bergen County, which is Rochelle Park Kylie.  You know what my brother. Yes, it's me to death. It doesn't do any good I told her about me. No, she can't go to it's Essex County on County now She lives in Bloomfield that way, you know She does the point is that's the wrong county. You can't go there You've got to go up here What can we do to get through? What what can we do to get through? Yeah, but you still have to go to within your county region Oh, god I need I should have took the clone of the boy. It doesn't matter where horizon if horizon was should have brought a bottle of vodka You know the flat of california eileen That's where they are. They're based the point is you have to go to your region director. Listen most life is really common sense Really, this is not rocket science. It's like the advice he gives joseph the science professor He goes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He walks away the point is You have to be when you get good advice. You have to be a sponge You have to absorb it and I don't even know why you're not writing the little notes Digest it things that you will forget in five minutes anyway and utilize it Utilize the sound advice Deliberate the food who new work if somebody delivers you But who cares if they deliver you garbage? It's still garbage But you said the food's not good or it's not much or what food food pantry food is is Absolute absolute toxic trash. Well food pantries most of your canned goods anyway. It's donated. It's donated Things that you can store in a cupboard It's not food. It's already prepared. You know what you know, you know what a food You know what a food pantry case worker told me where our only our concern is not proper nutrition Our concern is to fill bellies. Well, you have to make it have a meal. Well, they want They want to get poor people. I agree. You don't need nutrition.  You've got to get them fed stuff new bellies But but she qualifies for food stamps the snap you don't have an ebt card or anything You don't have an ebt card at all Because you need to how much do you get a month?  That's something at least that's not too bad. No, it's not bad 120 dollars is not that bad Come on. Eileen. What are you buying with it? Nothing? What are you buying with it? Get food. I mean listen listen to me.  I didn't know she had the ebt card I didn't know she was getting that much. No, I didn't well my my I know a guy's getting almost 200 and he's just one person No, there's three is that Listen If you go to the Dollar Tree, they have banquet frozen dinners. They have very good manicotti They have salisbury steak with mac and cheese They have meatloaf with uh creamy mashed potatoes made with real cream Go there load up load up your freezer with all these different banquet frozen dinners For a buck each You can guess what you can use your your ebt card your snap card It's really common sense. You can load your freezer at least you have it You know what I mean? You you they've got so much variety there for a dollar each You may be maybe in a mood for chicken fried rice or or lasagna or or manicotti or What I say meatloaf salisbury steak Um, they have all kinds of frozen dinners And they're not bad I know I get them from my mom So, you know And it listens at a doubt. Yeah. Well, she's she's elderly She's on a fixed income. Look for a buck each I said yes She's elderly.   I bring laundry bags. I bring laundry bags I'm not buying any bags from any store I go to here. I get high quality organic stuff Organic brown rice organic this organic that You know, I mean, uh, oh The sausage egg and cheese on an English muffin frozen I think there are four sandwiches to adopt for like two dollars and change at all these A little over two dollars.    You never know until you try Going to rochelle park and applying for everything there to go to the wire. It doesn't hurt all your ebp money each month I using it Don't don't don't try to save it.  Oh, no, you got it doesn't you have to get it to a five Around five dollars or under never carry it over. You don't think you don't need it They're gonna cancel they're gonna cancel or reduce it all together make sure you use it If you have leftover food stamps, they will they will cut you you don't need she doesn't need it. Yeah Say this girl is using Get to around five seven dollars or under Every time and I told her if she if she goes to like Dollar Tree you got bank with frozen dinners You could load up your freezer on frozen dinners, man My cans of tuna That's nutritious Oh, she goes to all these they got salmon for two dollars and change a lask and wild Salmon and a can screw the two over bread the last round.  Are you doing anything? Take take your food. What are you doing at home? What take action? All right Because you told me once you said i'm not eating much. I don't have much at all you said So now you do Why Well, if you didn't feel like it that's that's understandable Well, but at least you could load up your freezer for a buck each my god bank You have stuff right Look, I give I give my mom the bank with frozen dinners And there it's a nice little meal for a dollar Because they got a freezer now. It's a dollar tree in the back They got frozen raviolis a microwave Listen, well, you can microwave listen a lot of things are microwaved. They got they got poppies They got pierogies at the dollar store.  No, they're not They're one looking at it, you know No, well you say it out say it louder Yeah, yeah, I mean really Where's that obelisk?  They're nice. They're nice meals really banquet. So banquet's been around for a long time.  I mean I mean I mean to utilize Food and you too because you eat four and five. Yeah Breakfast burritos. You don't I told her I told her about all these breakfast sandwiches eight cheese and sausage on an english muffin Four for a little over two bucks You can't go wrong. They got they got frozen whole green Waffles organic for a little over two bucks. You know what you're doing when you shop It doesn't sound like you got it a lot though, does it doesn't sound like she's really putting thought into it You're not really thinking about what you do I like to make your money work for you little boy. I should have put at least I should have put And would you're a great thing to buy I should put at least um For a quarter of a cup of vodka in this Well, I lean I need a little bottle A fifth When you're around I'll drink anything. It's got alcohol in it. She asked me what i'm drinking. Uh, there's a good chance It says mick cafe. There's a good chance. It's coffee 99.9999 Buy like chunky soups Chop make a whole meal. Oh all these has chunky soups that blow away. Campbell's chunky soup by uh for less money My friend's like chef boy rd for like two dollars and change Stopper shop has ten for ten dollars. Why Ten can't for ten dollars. I mean, you know, we we can make money for we can get paid a service fee for giving advice To people. We'll take you shopping. No, we'll give you advice. All you have to do is record it A ten for ten dollars. That's a dollar a can I lean come on Why aren't you doing you're not doing that already I buy soups sometimes. She's not listening. I'm talking about the chef boy rd. It's ten for ten dollars Well, I hope so.  You make a killing And the same thing goes for the Dollar Tree You'll make a killing the frozen food section. They got jumbo cheese ravioli That's just as good as any italian jumbo cheese ravioli. Your house your house brands are great Perogies Well, no, she can get a good whole week Sometimes they're on sale Like Arnold, you know, Arnold sometimes they're on sale.   That's no don't get bleach I get 12 green I I fiber you want to give you want polyps? You want your colon clean? I've got them I want bleach. Give me bleach. You need fiber. The body needs fiber. Oh, I need Listen, a carnivore has a short intestinal tract. Humans have a long one. I don't care. I want bleach bread. So do you You want bleach? Bleach flowers bleach bread. Yeah bleach blonde bread, right? Okay Okay All we need now is joseph to walk in Oh, yeah, he's got these long straggly. How do you shave like that? I'm stole you those hairs though. I don't get that. How do you do that? Remember John Rokish? Oh, approaches coaches Yeah, remember when he was up at Barnes and Noble with us in premise and he had this long hair on the bridge of his nose And I said John Don't move. I'll pull it out for you. You know, he said to me if you touch this I'm gonna punch it I go, well, then walker.   Why is it? Why do what he's up to?  I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, and he didn't see any red flags That's a 22 years.   No, she's still with the guy No, I mean with John Rokish I don't know How do you how do you not see 22? I think most guys will see within a few weeks if a girl changes your routine Now if somebody was having an affair that long My god, my god, do you agree do you agree that you that red flags would pop up that you would see red flags? Yeah, so much they call And he couldn't see he couldn't see any red flags. Didn't see a clue Oh, by the way, they should 22 years.  He first told me that my Joel literally dropped it. I went what? I said, I'll come along 22 years. Unbelievable I said, man, but you must have been asleep in the switch. I said, where were you? And he drove me to the cemetery once of uh, uh, George Washington over here to be hated his his former father-in-law who Poor you John sounds like a real or that's funny. You told me that story. Let's work here again. I sat in the John's car John said, I'll be right back He walked over to the grave and started dancing. We were crazy on top of it They hated the guy that much. Did he pee? I'm coming. Don't be shut. I'm coming back on it. This one's great, too I would pick I think about I'm taking the car.  Guy hated his father-in-law and he danced on this grave Unbelievable. I found You know, I found an album of really old photographs of myself including when I went to sale in massachusetts With like and and and there were these like apparitions over the headstones, you know Because it's like over 300 years old. You're actually solo apparitions?  How do you know? How do you know? They might give you advice I think what they would do one would do a bug's bunny in the case Oh, by the way was baby finster the one that was uh using the electric razor and bugs bunny's bathroom It was like a midget. It was he thought it was a baby. It was a midget dressed as a baby had hair on his chest I don't remember that.  I never saw that either. Yeah, you missed the episode. I guess I did He was a screwy widdle way. Why was he a grey rabbit? No, that's Elmer Fudd You know Elmer Fudd You know Elmer Fudd. Yeah, he was on tv all right a long time He was a hunter. He was an avid hunter Wasn't he a moron? I thought he was Remember when Johnny Carson played Floyd turbo with that plaid jacket?     He's like the late Saddam Hussein. Yeah He used to have like uh, just to get this girl if he saw a pretty girl He had this woman's husband murder. I don't know why we aren't using our so-called great secret Forces that have phenomenal snipers. They can kill from two three miles away.  I would get that more in the Philippines if he jerk off from work But I think Donald Trump likes, uh, right wing totalitarian.  Canada said that. No, it's the war of 1812 for God's sakes That's when Francis Scott Key wrote that wrote the song in Baltimore That's uh, uh, Fort, was it McHenry or what? Fort McHenry It was was that on the on the just speak McHenry Yeah, what was it? Was that Virginia or Chet? No, it was in Baltimore It was in Baltimore Yeah, don't tell don't tell you tell me Where is it? Francis Scott Key. Edgar Allen Poe was from that one. He had the Maryland very down there too. Yeah What do you think about Poe? Edgar Allen Poe As far as you can see, it's a great sandwich from the world of the Poe Award He's a good poet. He didn't even know it either But he didn't even show up at his feet yet. They're long fellows Raven, he liked Ravens He'll quote him no more Maybe that's why they named him the Baltimore Ravens the football team That's why Because of him It was after Poe, yes it was That's true But the Raven is, you know, the smartest one of the smartest creatures on the planet No, I don't like him, kid The smartest bird No, he's not that smart No, no, not him, the actual bird No, the bird is not What's the fastest animal on the planet? The bird is the word, you know What's the fastest animal on the planet? Uh, the cheetah or the road runner that goes beep beep You're not close No, the road runner and the cartoon Very green talking And go up to 270 miles an hour Yeah, diving You didn't know Diving, I knew that You didn't know No, they dive They're dive bombing 270 miles an hour You know what they built? Because they're The fastest you choose Because they're endangered They've put Falcon Homes on top of New York City skyscrapers Yeah, but they're only sending stories I'm just kidding Oh, okay The duplexes You know some restaurants in New York have a bee or a commercial bee Tiny beehives on top of sky Skyscrapers, the bees go to Central Park and they Well, yeah, where do the A's go? Okay, it's a hot trick You tell me that But they're They're Rob Eileen But they're collecting He's talking about beehives Where are the A's But they're collecting so much honey That they're actually They have extra to sell Like in other words for the restaurant They have enough honey for the restaurant But they actually do so many bees Honey, I love you Yeah, I guess I always will No Somebody, somebody has a right Oh, it's so crazy You know, you know what? You know what?  Why don't we do it in the road? No one will be watching us Why don't we do it in the road? I like when you do it in the summertime When the weather is fine And the other one, the great Beatles song It's so easy to learn Even Eileen could learn it Or all they do over and over again is Number nine Number nine Really? They made money And they made Did they make money off that song? Well, they made money off of every song In their library Now, if I go choo choo choo Would you do choo choo choo? Number nine No, not that In the summer That's what I was going to do I've got a brand new pair of oldest kids You've got a brand new team She's playing with the nails She's not even paying attention Which means our advice is We're wasting our I'm going to look at my nails Now, you know what? You know what? I have decided not to give advice Unless somebody sincerely asks Us for it But how do we notice That they're sincere? No, we give bad advice And if it fucks you with them They're in here Gotcha You know who used to give Mess-up advice? You didn't give me bad advice? Yeah, for no one, I give you more Tell you You're not doing the wrong thing You know who used to Then you get screwed For the same thing Yeah You know who used to Mess-up his competition's advice? Young Arnold Schwarzenegger He told this young bodybuilder Well, to take something else No, he says what you need to do Is when you get up on stage In front of the judges You need to scream Like a madman As loud as you could when you flex And the kid did it You should Everybody should scream Like as loud as you can Or be like Brian and watch his face, bro Oh, rock him, sock him, robot Hey, who he's liking? Jimmy, who?  He's still living You know what he's doing now?  You know what I'm saying? And it's voice Oh, here's voice He sounds like a Even more feminine Mike Tyson Sounds like Mike Tyson Hey, let me tell you something Let me tell you something What are you doing now? That's what he was like You know what I told him? Hey, you know what I told Jimmy LaGuardia to tell him?  No, I mean Good stuff You mean H2O? Ho? Water No, otherwise I don't know how to You drink good stuff Like what? You drink beer? Really? I can't picture you drinking beer Maybe like Ovaltine or something like that Or you should call Roundtine Like Kenny Banyas said in Seinfeld The mug is round The jar is round Call it Roundtine Why call it Ovaltine? Stupid, that's a great joke No, it's not Why the oval? The shape, oval But the jars round and the mug is round No, it used to be, originally it was oval That's why they got the name They kept the name But they made it more rounder for shelf space Well, you know, you know what the funny part is? I saw Ovaltine in an Asian market That is designed for the European stores and Asian stores And do you notice no added sugar in that Ovaltine? The first ingredient is malted barley extract Whey protein, vitamins and minerals, cocoa The point is, they want Americans to be addicted to sugar We find card I think we should all have addictions Well, look at the hospitals They're loaded The people who are dying to get in They're all actually dying to get out Well, there, you know Let's get out of here, okay? She has addictions, right? Are they? Yeah Are you addicted? We're not addicted to Not take... Drugs? No, chocolate That's a good addiction Are you really into chocolate? But sugar-free Now, don't tell me it's a high sugar-free No You get all the sugar you can in your system Go on and keep it The more sugar, the better The sugar-free, avoid it Get the one that says loaded Yeah, loaded The one that was shared Are you going to take our advice? Yes or no? That's the moral of the story Yeah, I am I was this Are you... Listen Are you going to get... Go to Rochelle Park And apply for everything No, you're not going to go, are you? You're not going to go Thank you so much, you're ready I love you I love you If I would have got an excuse What did we learn from all this William H. Morrow That we had fun and laugh even more And that you need sugar Booze What is it what I used to say? No, you don't need sugar It's toxic What is it that leaves my friends at the bar? Is it a lick of... Oh, the shirt that's the worst borrower The players club, I used to go Peace, love, sex, and drugs You know what's... My one buddy, Orly Because he was speaking in summer time He couldn't get it out properly at the end So like Orly Peace, love, sex, and drugs He'd go, he'd go Peace, love, sex, and drugs I said, well, that works too You know who's photo is at the Bendix Steiner? Robert De Niro He goes there That's not him Oh, that's a... An impersonator? No, that's him No, that's him And now Jerry Seinfeld is in there He did I saw it on one of his episodes I'm pretty sure he's open about that Yeah, comedians in cars getting coffee I went there, why isn't my picture on the wall? Well, you've been to Bendix Steiner? Once, my friend said, you've never been there? Meet me there Saturday This is a few months ago, and we had breakfast It's a little old-fashioned, greasy spoon But they have bison bar We should go sometime Yeah, I'll meet you over there But now I met the cook and everything And she's making me what you the best off Biggest armor And BumbleBly made me a... How was it? Great, it was a big... Well, they raided over it too Seinfeld and the... Big Western obelisk Seinfeld and the comedian You know why it's a Western obelisk? Because they make it in the western part of diner No, they know The chicken... The eggs are shipped in from California to the west That's a lie It's not true Okay You know, it's a... Bison burgers, you know You know where the bison is, right? You know where the bison is? What?  It's actually a breed of ostrich No, it's not that easy, I'm lying It is... It is a big... Bison is like a buffalo breed type It's a wild buffalo anthillow thing It's huge It's huge Why haven't you heard the saying like, bison's be bison's?  She don't listen Listen Why haven't you ever been to her planet? Listen, was it morgue for morgue? Huh? It's unpronounceable Listen, I went to a Native American... It's part of my dark side of the moon I went to a Native... I went to a Native American festival in Hunter Mountain, New York I stood besides a full-grown bison in a corral My head reached its shoulder And I'm six foot one My head reached its shoulder They're big They are big Let's put it that way And you don't mess with them Huh? I went to Hunter Mountain Boy, anything with boos you want to They have a lot of festivals there Anything with boos But if there's boos, she'll go No, she'll just be there in a minute Because it's far, it's not that close Yeah, let's leave tomorrow She'll leave tonight You know? But seriously, we should meet there for bison birds Yeah Well, I want to get in on with that Right You want to do a little in the summertime When I go choo-choo-choo? No Oh, some other time Yeah, we will I will forget the words You know a hummingbird, Tom? Hi They don't know the words And then... You know why birds fly south in the winter?    Safe fella That's a safe fella Is that a banana in you? Is that a banana in your pocket? You're happy to see me Is all you see a guy run out of there so fast? You know what I'm waiting to see If Seinfeld picks up Gilbert Gottfried Could you imagine how funny that would be? He already did like... I saw Larry David, that was hilarious Cramer, he picked everybody up Except Gilbert Gottfried But I have a feeling he will pick up Gilbert Gottfried He's one of my favorites Comedians in cars getting coffee Does he remind you of Eileen?  He does the aft like that Do you love? You know he does the aft I do love I think they stopped the aft like commercial With Gilbert Gottfried Well, he was fired Fired? Yeah, for the best couple years He's about a different guy But who would make... Who has a better duck sound than Gilbert Gottfried? All the girls, he said some little statement Which was really nothing About a political belief or something Heaven forbid they... Somebody should get offended That's another... That's another... See, you know, it's a story You know what? Oh, we might lose some customers This has been Omega Lab 21 production