CHAPTER 43 There are a great many reasons why this should be a critical period in Ms. Marge Bank's life. For one thing it was the limit she had always proposed to herself. For her term of young ladyhood, and naturally as she outgrew the age for them, she felt disposed to put away childish things. To have the control of society in her hands was a great thing, but still, the mere means without any end was not worth Lucilla's while, and her Thursdays were almost a bore to her in the present stage of development. They occurred every week to be sure as usual. But the machinery was all perfect, and went on by itself, and it was not in the nature of things that such a light adjunct of existence should satisfy Lucilla, as she opened out into the ripeness of her thirtieth year. It was this that made Mr. Ashburton so interesting to her, and his election a matter into which she entered so warmly, for she had come to an age at which she might have gone into Parliament herself had there been no disqualification of sex, and when it was almost a necessity for her to make some use of her social influence. Ms. Marjbangs had her own ideas in respect to charity, and never went upon ladies' committees, nor took any further share than what was proper and necessary in parish work, and when a woman has an active mind, and still does not care for parish work, it is a little hard for her to find a sphere. And Lucilla, though she said nothing about a sphere, was still more or less in that condition of mind, which has been so often and so fully described to the British public. When the ripe female intelligence, not having the natural resource of a nursery and a husband to manage, turns inwards and begins to make a protest against the existing order of society, and to call the world to account for giving it no Jew occupation, and to consume itself, she was not the woman to make protests, nor to claim for herself the doubtful honors of a false position, but she felt all the same that at her age, she had outlived the occupations that were sufficient for her youth. To be sure there were still the dinners to attend to, a branch of human affairs worthy of the weightiest consideration, and she had a house of her own, as much as if she had been a half a dozen times married. But still there are instincts which go even beyond dinners, and Lucilla had become conscious that her capabilities were greater than her work. She was a power in Carlingford, and she knew it. But still there is little good in the existence of a power unless it can be made use of for some worthy end. She was coming up Grangelaine rather late one evening, pondering upon these things, thinking within herself compassionately of poor Mr. Cavendish, a little in the same way as he had been thinking of her, but from the opposite point of view. For Lucilla could not but see the antithesis of their position, and how he was the foolish apprentice who had chosen his own way and was coming to a bad end, while she was the steady one about to ride by in her Lord Mayor's coach, and Ms. Marge Banks was thinking at the same time of the other candidate, whose canvas was going on so successfully, and that after the election and all the excitement was over, she would feel a blank. There could be no doubt she would feel a blank, and Lucilla did not see how the blank was to be filled up as she looked into the future. For as has been said, parish work was not much in her way, and for a woman who feels that she is a power, there are so few other outlets. She was a little disheartened as she thought it all over. Gleams of possibility it is true crossed her mind, such as that as marrying the member for Carlingford for instance, and thus beginning a new and more important career. But she was to experience the woman not to be aware by this time, that possibilities which did not depend upon herself alone had better not be calculated upon. And there did occur to her, among other things, the idea of making a great experiment which could be carried out only by a woman of genius, of marrying a poor man and affording to Carlingford and England an example which might influence unborn generations. Such were the thoughts that were passing through her mind. When to her great surprise she came up to her father, walking up Grange Lane over the dirty remains of the snow, for there was a great deal of snow that year. It was so strange aside to see Dr. Marchbank's walking that at the first glance Lucilla was startled and thought something was the matter, but of course it all arose from a perfectly natural and explainable cause. I have been down to see Mrs. Chiley, said the doctor. She has her rheumatism very bad again, and the horse has been so long out that I thought I would walk home. I think the old lady is a little upset about Cavendish Lucilla. He was always a pet of hers. Dear Mrs. Chiley, she's not very bad, I hope, said Miss Marchbank's. Oh no, she's not very bad, said the doctor, in a dreary tone. The poor old machine is just about breaking up, that is all. We can cobble it this once, but next time, perhaps. Don't talk in such a disheartening way, Papa, said Lucilla. I am sure she's not so very old. We're all pretty old, for that matter, said the doctor. We can't run on forever, you know.  Dr. Marchbank's added, with a little grunt, as who should say that is the way of the world. But I am not a boy, said Lucilla mildly. And even if I had been, you know, I might have chosen another profession Tom never had any turn for medicine that I ever heard of. I hope you know pretty well about all the turns he ever had with that old woman, said the doctor, pulling himself up sharply. Always at your ear. I suppose she never talks of anything else. But I hope you have too much sense for that sort of thing, Lucilla. Tom will never be anything but a poor man if he were to live a hundred years. Perhaps not, Papa, said Lucilla, with a little sigh. The doctor knew nothing about the great social experiment, which it had entered into Ms. Marchbank's mind to make for the regeneration of her contemporaries and the good of society, or possibly he might not have distinguished Tom by that particular title. Was it he, perhaps, who was destined to be the hero of a domestic drama, embodying the best principles of that moral philosophy, which Lucilla had studied with such success at Mount Pleasant, she did not ask herself the question, for things had not as yet come to that point. But it gleamed upon her mind as by a sidelight. I don't know how you would get on if you were poor, said the doctor. I don't think that would suit you. You would make somebody a capital wife. I can say that for you, Lucilla.  But poverty is another sort of thing, I can tell you. Luckily, you're old enough to have got over all the love in a cottage ideas if you ever had them. Dr. Marchbank's added he was a worldly man himself, and he thought his daughter a worldly woman. And yet, though he thoroughly approved of it, he still despised Lucilla a little for her prudence, which is a paradoxical state of mind, not very unusual in the world. I don't think I ever had them, said Lucilla. Not that kind of poverty. I know what a cottage means. It means a wretched man, always about the house with his feet in slippers. You know, what poor dear Mr. Cavendish would come to if he was poor. The doctor laughed, though he had not seemed up to this moment much disposed for laughing. So that is all your opinion of Cavendish, he said. And I don't think you are far wrong, either. And yet that was a young fellow that might have done better. Dr. Marchbank said reflectively, perhaps not without a slight prick of conscience that he had forsaken an old friend. Yes, said Lucilla, with a certain solemnity. But you know, Papa, if a man will not when he may. And she sighed, though the doctor, who had not been thinking of Mr. Cavendish's prospects in that light, laughed once more. But it was a sharp sort of sudden laugh, without much heart in it. He had most likely other things of more importance in his mind. Well, there have been a great many off and on since that time, he said, smiling rather grimly. It is time you were thinking about it seriously, Lucilla. I am not so sure about some things as I once was, and I'd rather like to see you well settled before. It's a kind of prejudice a man has. The doctor said abruptly, which whatever he might mean by it was a dismal sort of speech to make. Before what, Papa? asked Lucilla, with a little alarm. Tut, before long to be sure, he said impatiently. Ashburton would not be at all amiss if he liked it and you liked it. But it's no use making any suggestions about those things. So long as you don't marry a fool. Dr. Marchbank said, with energy. I know, that is, of course, I've seen what that is. You can't expect to get perfection as you might have looked for perhaps at twenty. But I advise you to marry Lucilla. I don't think you are cut out for a single woman for my part. I don't see the good of single women, said Lucilla, unless they are awfully rich, and I don't suppose I shall ever be awfully rich. But Papa, so long as I can be a comfort to you. Yes, said the doctor, with that tone which Lucilla could remember fifteen years ago, when she made the same magnanimous suggestion. But I can't live forever, you know. It would be a pity to sacrifice yourself to me, and then perhaps next morning, find that it was a useless sacrifice. It very often happens like that when self-devotion is carried too far. You've behaved very well, and shown a great deal of good sense, Lucilla, more than I gave you credit for when you commenced. I may say that, and if there was to be any change, for instance. What change, said Lucilla? Not without some anxiety, for it was an odd way of talking to say the least of it. But the doctor had come to a pause, and did not seem disposed to resume. It is not so pleasant as I thought, walking over this snow, he said. I can't give that up, that I can see. And there's more snow in the air if I'm any judge of the weather. There, go in, go in, don't wait for me. But mind you, make haste and dressed, for I want my dinner. I may have to go down to Mrs. Chile again to-night. It was an odd way of talking, and it was odd to break off like this. But then, to be sure, there was no occasion for any more conversation, since they had just arrived at their own door. It made Lucilla uneasy for the moment, but while she was dressing, she managed to explain it to herself, and to think, after all, it was only natural that her papa should have seen a little into the movement and commotion of her thoughts. And then, poor, dear old Mrs. Chile, being so ill, who was one of his own sets, so to speak, he was quite cheerful later in the evening and enjoyed his dinner, and was even more civil than usual to Mrs. John. And though he did not come up to tea, he made his appearance afterwards with a flake of new fallen snow still upon his rusty gray whiskers. He had gone to see his patient again, notwithstanding the silent storm outside, and his countenance was a little overcast this time, no doubt by the late walk, and the serious state Mrs. Chile was in, and his encounter with the snow. Oh, yes, she's better, he said. I knew she would do this time. People at our time of life don't go off in that accidental kind of way. When a woman has been so long used to living, it takes her a time to get into the way of dying. She might be a long time thinking about it yet, if all goes well. Papa, don't speak like that, said Lucilla. Dying, I can't bear to think of such a thing. She's not so very old. Such things will happen whether you can bear to think of them or not, said the doctor. I said you would go down and see her tomorrow. We've all held out a long time, the lot of us. I don't like to think of the first gap myself, but somebody must make a beginning, you know. The Chiles were always older than you, said Mrs. John. I remember in poor Mrs. Marchbank's time, they were quite elderly then, and you were just beginning. When my Tom was a baby, we were always of the same set, said the doctor, interrupting her without hesitation. Lucilla, they say Cavendish has got hold of Director. He has made belief to be penitent, you know. That is cleverer than anything you could have done, and if he can't be won back again it will be serious, the Colonel says. You are to try if you can suggest anything, it seems, said the doctor, with mingled amusement and satire, and a kind of gratification, that Ashburton has great confidence in you. It must have been the agent, said Lucilla. I don't think any of the rest of them are equal to that. I don't see if that is the case how we are to win him back, if Mr. Ashburton had ever done anything very wicked, perhaps. You are safe to say he is not penitent anyhow, said Dr. Marchbank's, and he took his candle and went away with a smile. But either Mr. Ashburton's good opinion of Lucilla, or some other notion, had touched the doctor. He was not a man who said much at any time, but when he beat her good night, his hand dropped upon Lucilla's shoulder, and he patted it softly as he might have patted the head of a child. It was not much, but still it was a good deal from him. To feel the lingering touch of her father's hand caressing her, even in so mild a way, was something quite surprising and strange to Ms. Marchbank's. She looked up at him almost with alarm, but he was just then turning away with his candle in his hand, and he seemed to have laid aside his gloom, and even smiled to himself as he went upstairs. If she had been the boy instead of that young ass, he said to himself, he could not have explained why he was more than ordinarily hard just then upon the innocent, far-distant Tom, who was unlucky, it's true, but not exactly an ass, after all. But somehow it struck the doctor more than ever how great a loss it was to society and to herself that Lucilla was not the boy. She could have continued and perhaps extended the practice, whereas just now it was quite possible that she might drop down into worsted work and tea parties like any other single woman, while Tom, who had carried off the family honors, and was the boy in this limited and unfruitful generation, was never likely to do anything to speak of and would be a poor man if he were to live for a hundred years. Perhaps there was something else behind that made the doctor's brow contract a little as he crossed the threshold of his chamber, into which, no more than into the recesses of his heart no one ever penetrated. But it was the lighter idea of that comparison, which had no actual pain in it, but only a kind of humorous discontent, which was the last articulate thought in his mind, as he went to his room and closed his door with a little sharpness, as he always did, upon the outside world. Aunt Jemima, for her part, lingered a little with Lucilla downstairs. My dear, I don't think my brother-in-law looks well tonight. I don't think Harlingford is so healthy as it is said to be.  Dear Aunt Jemima, he never takes anything. You forget, he's a doctor, said Ms. Marchbanks. It always puts him out when he has to go out in the evening, and he is sad about Mrs. Chile, though he would not say so. But nevertheless, Lucilla knocked at his door when she went upstairs, and the doctor, though he did not open, growled within with a voice which reassured his dutiful daughter. What should I want, do you think, but to be left quiet, the doctor said, and even Mrs. John, who had waited at his door, with her candle in her hand, to hear the result shrank within at the sound and was seen no more. And Ms. Marchbanks, too, went to her rest with more than one subject of thought, which kept her awake. In the first place, the director was popular in his way, and if he chose to call all his forces to rally around the penitent, there was no saying what might come of it. And then Lucilla could not help going back in the most illogical manner to her father's caress, and wondering what was the meaning of it. Meantime, the snow fell heavily outside and wrapped everything in a soft and secret whiteness. And amid the whiteness and darkness, the lamp burned steadily outside at the garden gate, which pointed out the doctor's door amid all the closed houses and dark garden walls in Grange Lane, a kind of visible sucker and help always at hand for those who were suffering. And though Dr. Marchbanks was not like a young man making a practice, but had perfect command of Carlingford, and was one of the richest men in it, it was well known in the town that the very poorest, if in extremity, in the depths of the wildest night that ever blew, would not seek help there in vain. The bell that had roused him when he was young, still hung near him in the silence of his closed-up house when he was old, and still could make him spring up, all self-possessed and ready when the enemy death had to be fought with. But that night, the snow cushioned the wire outside, and even made white cornices and columns about the steady lamp, and the doctor slept within, and no one disturbed him. For except Mrs. Chiley and a few chronic patients, there was nothing particularly amiss in Carlingford, and then it was Dr. Rider, whom all the new people went to, the people who lived in the innumerable new houses at the other end of Carlingford, and had no hallowing tradition of the superior authority of Grange Lane. End of Chapter 43, Recording by Maricel Quy Chapter 44 of Ms. Marj Banks. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Ms. Marj Banks by Mrs. Oliphant. Chapter 44. The talk of this evening might not have been considered of any importance to speak of, but for the extraordinary and most unlooked-for event which startled all Carlingford next morning, nobody could believe that it was true. Dr. Marj Banks's patients waited for him, and declared to their nurses that it was all a made-up story, and that he would come and prove that he was not dead. How could he be dead? He had been as well as he ever was that last evening. He had gone down Grange Lane in the snow to see the poor old lady who was now sobbing in her bed and saying it was all a mistake that it was she who ought to have died. But all those protestations were of no avail against the cold and stony fact which had frightened Thomas out of his senses when he went to call the doctor. He had died in the night without calling or disturbing anybody. He must have felt faint, it seemed, for he had got up and taken a little brandy, the remains of which still stood on the table by his bedside. But that was all that anybody could tell about it. They brought Dr. Ryder, of course, but all that he could do was to examine the strong still frame, old and yet not old enough to be weakly, or to explain such sudden extinction which had ceased its human functions, and then the news swept over Carlingford like a breath of wind, though there was no wind even on that silent snowy day to carry the matter. Dr. Marj Banks was dead. It put the election out of people's heads and even their own affairs for the time being, for had he not known all about the greater part of them, seen them come into the world and kept them in it, and put himself always in the breach when the pale death approached that way? He had never made very much both of his friendliness or been large in sympathetic expressions, but yet he had never flinched at any time or deserted his patients for any consideration. Carlingford was sorry, profoundly sorry, with that true sorrow which is not so much for the person mourned as for the mourner's self, who feels a sense of something lost. The people said to themselves, whom could they ever find who would know their constitution so well, and who was to take care of so and so if he had another attack? To be sure, Dr. Rider was at hand, who felt a little agitated about it, and was conscious of the wonderful opening, and was very ready to answer, I am here, but a young doctor is different from an old one, and a living man, all in commonplace health and comfort, is not to be compared with a dead one, on the morning at least of his sudden ending. Thank heaven, when a life is ended, there is always that hour or two remaining to set straight the defective balances, and do a hasty late justice to the dead, before the wave sweeps on over him, and washes out the traces of his steps, and lets in the common crowd to make their thoroughfare over the grave. It cannot be that doctor, Mrs. Chiley said, sobbing in her bed, or else it has been a mistake for me. He was always a healthy man, and never had anything to matter with him, and a great deal younger than we are, you know? If anything has happened to him, it must have been a mistake for me, said the poor old lady, and she was so hysterical that they had to send for doctor Ryder, and she was thus the first to begin to build a new world on the foundation of the old, little as she meant it. But for the moment everything was paralyzed in Grangelane, and canvassing came to a standstill, and nothing was discussed by doctor Marge Banks, how he was dead, though nobody could or would believe it, and how Lucilla would be left, and who her trustees were, and how the place could ever get used to the want of him, or would ever look like itself again without his familiar presence. It was by way of relieving their minds from the horror of the idea that the good people rushed into consultations what Lucilla would do. It took their minds a little off the ghastly imagination of that dark room with the snow on the window, and the late moonlight trying to get into the darkness, and the white rigid face inside, as he was said to have been found. It could not but make a terrible change to her. Indeed, through her it could not but make a great change to everybody. The doctor's house would, of course, be shut up, which had been the most hospitable house in Carlingford, and things would drop into the unsatisfactory state they used to be in before Ms. Marge Banks' time, and there would no longer be anybody to organize society. Such worthy ideas the ladies of Grinch Lane relapsed into by way of delivering themselves from the pain of their first realization of what had happened. It would make a great change. Even the election and its anticipated joys could not but change character in some respects at least, and there would be nobody to make the best of them, and then the question was what would Lucilla do? Would she have the strength to make an effort, as some people suggested? Or would she feel not only her grief but her downfall, and that she was now only a single woman and sink into a private life, as some others were inclined to believe? Inside the house, naturally, the state of affairs was sad enough. Lucilla, not withstanding the many other things she had had to occupy her mind, was fond of her father, and the shock overwhelmed her for the moment. Though she was not the kind of woman to torture herself with thinking of things that she might have done, still at the first moment, the idea that she ought not to have left him alone, that she should have sat up and watched or taken some extraordinary unusual precaution, was not to be driven away from her mind. The reign of reason was eclipsed in her, as it often is in such an emergency. She said it was her fault in the first horror. When I saw how he was looking and how he was talking, I should never have left him, said Lucilla, which indeed was a very natural thing to say, but would have been an utterly impossible one to carry out, as she saw when she came to think of it. But she could not think of it just then. She did not think at all that first long snowy troubled day, but went above the house on the bedroom floor, bringing her hands like a creature distracted. If I had only sat up, she said, and then she would recall the touch of his hand on her shoulder, which she seemed still to be feeling, and cry out, like all the rest of the world, that it could not be true. But to be sure, that was a state of feeling that could not last long. There are events for which something higher than accident must be held accountable, where one ever so ready to take the burden of affairs on one's own shoulders, and Lucilla knew, when she came to herself, that if she had watched ever so long or so closely, that could have had no effect upon the matter. After a while, the bewildering sense of her own changed position began to come upon her, and roused her up into that feverish and unnatural activity of thought which, in some minds, is the inevitable reaction after the unaccustomed curb and shock of grief. When she had got used to that dreadful certainty about her father, and had suddenly come with a leap to the knowledge that she was not to blame, and could not help it, and that though he was gone, she remained, it is no censure upon Lucilla to say that her head became immediately full of a horror and confusion of thoughts, an involuntary stir and bustle of plans and projects, which she did all she could to put down, but which would return and overwhelm her whether she chose it or not. She could not help asking herself what her new position was, thinking it over, so strangely free and new and unlimited as it seemed, and it must be recollected that Ms. March Banks was a woman of very active mind and great energies, too old to take up a girl's fancy that all was over because she had encountered a natural grief on her passage, and too young not to see a long future still before her. She kept her room as was to be expected and saw nobody, and only moved the household and superintended the arrangements in a muffled way through Thomas, who was an old servant and knew the ways of the house, but notwithstanding her seclusion and her honest sorrow and her perfect observance of all the ordinary restraints of the moment, it would be wrong to omit all mention of this feverish bustle of thinking which came into Lucila's mind in her solitude. Of all that she had to bear, it was the thing that vexed and irritated and distressed her the most, as if she said to herself indignantly, she ought to have been able to think of anything, and the chances are that Lucila, for sheer duty's sake, would have said if anybody had asked, that of course she had not thought of anything as yet, without being aware that the mere shock and horror and profound commotion had a great deal more to do than anything else in producing that fluttering crowd of busy vexatious speculations which had come without any will of hers into her heart. It looked a dreadful change in one way as she looked at it without wishing to look at it in the solitude of her own room, where the blinds were all down and the snow sometimes came with a little thump against the window and where it was so dark that it was a comfort when night came and the lamp could be lighted. So far as Carlingford was concerned, it would be almost as bad for Ms. Marge Banks as if she were her father's widow instead of his daughter. To keep up a position of social importance in a single woman's house, unless, as she had herself lightly said so short a time since, she were awfully rich, would be next to impossible. All that gave importance to the center of society the hospital table, the open house had come to an end with a doctor. Things could no more be as they had once been in that respect at least. She might stay in the house and keep up to the furthest extent possible to her, its old traditions, but even to the utmost limit to which Lucilla could think it right to go, it could never be the same. This consciousness kept gleaming upon her as she sat in the dull daylight behind the closed blinds with articles of mourning piled about everywhere and the gray dimness getting into her very eyes and her mind distressed by the consciousness that she ought to have been unable to think and the sadness of the prospect all together was enough to stir up a reaction in spite of herself in Ms. Marge Banks' mind. And on the other side she would no doubt be very well off and could go wherever she liked and had no limit, except what was right and proper and becoming to what she might please to do. She might go abroad if she liked, which perhaps is the first idea of a modern English mind when anything happens to it and settle wherever she pleased and arrange her mode of existence as seemed good in her own eyes. She would be an heiress in a moderate way and Aunt Jemima was by this time absolutely at her disposal and could be taken anywhere and at Lucilla's age it was quite impossible to predict what might not happen to a woman in such a position. When these fairer possibilities gleamed into Lucilla's mind it would be difficult to describe the anger and self-discussed with which she reproached herself for perhaps it was the first time that she had consciously failed in maintaining a state of mind becoming the occasion and though nobody but herself knew of it the pain of the accusation was acute and bitter but how could Ms. Marge Banks help it? The mind travels so much quicker than anything else and goes so far and makes its expeditions in such subtle stealthy ways. She might begin by thinking of her dear papa and yet before she could dry her eyes might be often the midst of one of these bewildering speculations for everything was certain now so far as he was concerned and everything was so uncertain and full of such unknown issues for herself thus the dark days before the funeral passed by and everybody was very kind Dr. Marge Banks was one of the props of the place and all Carlingford bestowed itself to do him the final honors and all her friends conspired how to save Lucilla from all possible trouble and help her over the trial and to see how much he was respected was the greatest of all possible comforts to her as she said thus it was that among the changes that everybody looked for there occurred all at once this change which was entirely unexpected and put everything else out of mind for the moment for to tell the truth Dr. Marge Banks was one of the men who according to external appearance need never have died there was nothing about him that wanted to be set right no sort of loss or failure or misunderstanding so far as anybody could see an existence in which he could have his friends to dinner every week and a good house and good wine and a very good table and nothing particular to put him out of his way seemed in fact the very ideal of the best life for the doctor there was nothing in him that seemed to demand anything better and it was confusing to try to follow him into that which no doubt must be in all its fundamentals a very different kind of world he was a just man and a good man in his way and had been kind to many people in his lifetime but still he did not seem to have that need of another rectifying complete existence which most men have there seemed no reason why he should die a man so well contented with this lower region in which many of us fare badly and where so few of us are contented this was a fact which exercised a very confusing influence even when they themselves were not aware of it on many people's minds it was hard to think of him under any other circumstances or identify him with angels and spirits which feeling on the whole made the regret for him a more poignant sort of regret and they buried him with the greatest signs of respect people from 20 miles off sent their carriages and all the george street people shut their shops and there was very little business done all day Mr. Cavendish and Mr. Ashburton walked side by side at the funeral which was an affecting sight to see and if anything more could have been done to show their respect which was not done the corporation of carlingford would have been sorry for it and the snow still lay deep in all the corners though it had been trampled down all about the doctor's house where the lamp was not lighted now of nights for what was the use of lighting the lamp which was a kind of lighthouse in its way and meant to point out sucker and safety for the neighbors when the physician himself was lying beyond all hope of sucker or aid and all the grange lane people retired in a sympathetic ostrich and way and decided or at least the ladies did to see Lucilla next day if she was able to see them and to find out whether she was going to make an effort or what she meant to do and mrs chile was so much better that she was able to be up a little in the evening though she scarcely could forgive herself and still could not help thinking that it was she who had really been sent for and that the doctor had been taken in mistake and as for lucilla she sat in her room and cried and thought of her father's hand upon her shoulder that last unusual caress which was more touching to think of than a world of words he had been fond of her and proud of her and at the last moment he had showed it and by times she seemed to feel again that lingering touch and cried as if her heart would break and yet for all that she could not keep her thoughts steady nor prevent them from wandering to all kinds of profane out of door matters and to considerations of the future and estimates of her own position it wounded her sadly to feel herself in such an inappropriate state of mind but she could not help it and then the want of natural light and air oppressed her sorely and she longed for the evening which felt a little more natural and thought that at last she might have a long talk with Aunt Jemima who was a kind of refuge in her present loneliness and gave her a means of escape at the same time from all this bustle and commotion of unbecoming thoughts this was enough surely for anyone to have to encounter at one time but that very night another rumor began to murmur through Carlingford a rumor more bewildering more incredible still than that of the doctor's death which the town had been obliged to confirm and acknowledge and put its seal too when the thing was first mentioned everybody who could find it in their heart to laugh laughed loud in the face of the first narrator with mingled skepticism and indignation they asked him what he meant by it and ridiculed and scoffed at him to his face Lucilla will be the richest woman in Grange Lane people said everybody in Carlingford knows that but after this statement had been made the town began to listen it was obliged to listen for other witnesses came in to confirm the story it never might have been found out while the doctor lived for he had a great practice and made a great deal of money but now that he was dead nothing could be hid he was dead and he had made an elaborate will which was all as just and righteous as a will could be but after the will was read it was found out that everything named in it had disappeared like a bubble instead of being the richest Dr. Marj Banks was one of the poorest men in Carlingford when he shut his door behind him on that snowy night it was a revelation which took the town perfectly by storm and startled everybody out of their senses Lucilla's plans which she thought so wicked went out all of a sudden in a certain dull amaze and dismay to which no words could give any expression such was the second inconceivable reverse of fortune which happened to Ms. Marj Banks more unexpected more incomprehensible still than the other in the very midst of her most important activities and hopes End of Chapter 44 Recording by Marysel Quy Chapter 45 of Ms. Marj Banks This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Ms. Marj Banks by Mrs. Oliphant Chapter 45 When the first whisper of the way in which she was as people say left reached Lucilla her first feeling was incredulity it was conveyed to her by her Aunt Jemima who came to her in her room after the funeral with a face blanched with dismay Ms. Marj Banks took it for grief and though she did not look for so much feeling from Mrs. John was pleased and comforted that her aunt should really lament her poor papa it was a compliment which in the softened and sorrowful state of Lucilla's mind went to her heart Aunt Jemima came up and kissed her in a hasty excited way which showed genuine and spontaneous emotion and was not like the solemn pomp with which sympathizing friends generally embrace a mourner and then she made Lucilla sit down by the fire and held her hands my poor child said Aunt Jemima my poor dear sacrificed child you know Lucilla how fond I am of you and you can always come to me thank you dear Aunt Jemima said Ms. Marj Banks though she was a little puzzled you are the only relative I have and I knew you would not forsake me what should I do without you at such a time I am sure it is what dear papa would have wished Lucilla cried Mrs. John impulsively I know it is natural you should cry for your father but when you know all you that never knew what it was to be without money that never were straightened even or obliged to give up things like most other young women oh my dear they said I was to prepare you but how can I prepare you I feel as if I never could forgive my brother-in-law that he should bring you up like this and then what is it said Ms. Marj Banks drying her tears if it is anything new tell me but don't speak so of of what is it say it right out Lucilla said Aunt Jemima solemnly you think you have a great deal of courage and now is your time to show it he has left you without a farthing he that was always thought to be so rich it is quite true what I am saying he has gone and died and left nothing Lucilla now I have told you and oh my poor dear injured child cried Mrs. John with fervor as long as I have a home there will be room in it for you but Lucilla put her aunt away softly when she was about to fall upon her neck Ms. Marj Banks was struck dumb her heart seemed to stop beating for the moment it is quite impossible it cannot be true she said and gave a gasp to recover her breath then Mrs. John came down upon her with facts proving it to be true showing how Dr. Marj Banks's money was invested and how it had been lost she made a terrible muddle of it no doubt but Lucilla was not very clear about business details any more than her aunt and she did not move nor say a word while the long involved and list narrative went on she kept saying it was impossible in her heart for half of the time and then she crept nearer the fire and shivered and said nothing even to herself and did not even seem to listen but knew that it must be true it would be vain to attempt to say that it was not a terrible blow to Lucilla her strength was weakened already by grief and solitude and want to food for she could not find it in her heart to go on eating her ordinary meals as if nothing had happened and all of a sudden she felt the cold seize her and drew closer and closer to the fire the thoughts which she had been thinking in spite of herself and for which she had so greatly condemned herself went out with a sudden distinctness as if it had been a lamp going out and leaving the room in darkness and the sudden sense of utter gloom and cold and bewildering uncertainty came over Lucilla when she lifted her eyes from the fire into which she had been gazing it almost surprised her to find herself still in the warm room where there was every appliance for comfort and where her entire wardrobe of new mourning everything as Aunt Jemima said that a woman could desire was piled up on the bed it was impossible that she could be a penniless creature left on her own resources without father or supporter or revenue and yet good heavens could it be true? if it is true Aunt Jemima said Lucilla I must try to bear it but my poor head feels all queer I'd rather not think any more about it tonight how can you help thinking about it Lucilla cried Mrs. John I can think of nothing else and I am not so much concerned as you upon which Lucilla rose and kissed Aunt Jemima though her head was all confused and she had noises in her ears I don't think we are much like each other you know she said did you hear how Mrs. Chiley was? I'm sure she will be very sorry and with that Ms. March Banks softened and felt a little comforted and cried again not for the money but for her father if you are going downstairs I think I will come down to tea Aunt Jemima she said but after Mrs. John had gone away full of wonder at her philosophy Lucilla drew close to the fire again and took her head between her hands and tried to think what it meant could it be true? instead of the heiress in a good position who could go abroad or anywhere and do anything she liked was it possible that she was only a penniless single woman with nobody to look to and nothing to live on? such an extraordinary incomprehensible revolution might well make anyone feel giddy the solid house and a comfortable room and her own sober brain which was not in the way of being put off its balance seemed to turn round and round as she looked into the fire Lucilla was not one to throw the blame upon her father as Mrs. John had done on the contrary she was sorry profoundly sorry for him and made such a picture to herself of what his feelings must have been when he went into his room that night and knew that all his hard-earned fortune was gone that it made her weep the deepest tears for him that she had yet shed poor papa, she said to herself and as she was not much given to employing her imagination in this way and realizing the feelings of others the effect was all the greater now if he had but told her and put off a share of the burden from his own shoulders on to hers who could have borne it but the doctor had never done justice to Lucilla's qualities this amid her general sense of confusion and dissonance and insecurity was the only clear thought that struck Ms. Marge Banks and that it was very cold and must be freezing outside and how did the poor people manage who had not all her present advantages she tried to put away this revelation from her as she had said to Aunt Jemima and keep it for a little at arm's length and get a night's rest in the meantime and so be able to bring a clear head to the contemplation of it tomorrow which was the most judicious thing to do but when the mind has been stimulated by such a shock Solomon himself one would suppose could scarcely however clearly he might perceive what was best take the judicious passive way when Lucilla got up from where she was crouching before the fire she felt so giddy that she could scarcely stand her head was all queer as she had said and she had a singing in her ears she herself seemed to have changed along with her position an hour or two before she could have answered for her own steadiness and self-possession in almost any circumstances but now the blood seemed to be running a race in her veins and the strangest noises hummed in her ears she felt ashamed of her weakness but she could not help it and then she was weak with grief and excitement and comparative fasting which told for something probably in her inability to bear so unlooked for a blow but Miss March Banks thought it was best to go down to the drawing room for tea as she had said to see everything just as it had been utterly indifferent and unconscious of what had happened made her cry and relieved her giddiness by reviving her grief and then the next minute a bewildering wonder seized her as to what would become of this drawing room the scene of her triumphs who would live in it and whom the things would go to which made her sick and brought back the singing in her ears but on the whole she took tea very quietly with Aunt Jemima who kept breaking into continual snatches of lamentation but was always checked by Lucille's composed looks if she had not heard this extraordinary news which made the world turn round with her Miss March Banks would have felt that soft hush of exhaustion and grief subdued which when the grief is not too urgent comes after all is over and even now she felt a certain comfort in the warm firelight and the change out of her own room where she had been living shut up with the blinds down and the black dresses everywhere about for so many dreary days John Brown who had charge of Dr. March Banks's affairs came next day and explained everything to Lucille the lawyer had had one short interview with his client after the news came and Dr. March Banks had borne it like a man his face had changed a little and he had sat down which he was not in the habit of doing and drawn a kind of shivering long breath and then he had said poor Lucille to himself this was all Mr. Brown could say about the effect the shock had on the doctor and there was something in this very scanty information which gave Lucille a new pang of sorrow and consolation and he patted me on the shoulder that last night she said with tender tears and felt she had never loved her father so well in all her life which is one of the sweeter uses of death which many must have experienced but which belonged to a more exquisite and penetrating kind of emotion than was common to Lucille I thought he looked a little broken when he went out said Mr. Brown but full of pluck and spirit as he always was I am making a good deal of money and I may live long enough to lay by a little still were the last words he said to me I remember he put a kind of emphasis on the may perhaps he knew he was not so strong as he looked he was a good man Ms. Marge Banks and there is nobody that has not some kind thing to tell of him said the lawyer with a certain moisture in his eyes for there was nobody in Carlingford who did not miss the old doctor and John Brown was very tender hearted in his way but nobody can know what a good father he was said Lucille with a sob and she meant it with all her heart thinking chiefly of his hand on her shoulder that last night and of the poor Lucille in John Brown's office though after all perhaps it was not chiefly as a tender father that Dr. Marge Banks shown though he gave his daughter all she wanted or asked for her grief was so true and so little tinctured by any of that indignation over the unexpected loss which Aunt Jemima had not been able to conceal that John Brown was quite touched and felt his heart warm to Lucille he explained it all very fully to her when she was composed enough to understand him and as he went through all the details the goodness came back and once more Ms. Marge Banks felt the world running round and heard his statement through the noises in her ears all this settled down however into a certain distinctness as John Brown who was very clear-headed and good at making a concise statement went on and gradually the gyrations became slower and slower and the great universe became solid once more and held to its moorings under Lucille's feet and she ceased to hear that supernatural hum and buzz the vague shadows of chaos and ruin dispersed and through them she saw once more the real aspect of things she was not quite penniless there was the house which is a very good house and some little corners and scraps of money in the funds which were Lucille's very own and could not be lost and last of all there was the business the best practice in Carlingford and entire command of Grange Lane but what does it matter said Lucille if poor papa had retired indeed as I used to beg him to do and parted with it but everybody has begun to send for Dr. Rider already she said in an aggrieved voice and then for the first time John Brown remembered to his confusion that there was once said to be something between Ms. March Banks and Dr. Rider which complicated the affair in the most uncomfortable way yes he said and of course that would make it much more difficult to bring in another man but Rider is a very honorable young fellow Ms. March Banks he's not so very young said Lucille he's quite as old as I am though no one ever would think so I am sure he is honorable but what has that to do with it and I do think Mrs. Charlie might have done without anybody else for a day or two considering when it was and here she stopped to cry unreasonably but yet very naturally for it did feel hard that in the house to which Dr. March Banks's last visit had been paid another doctor should have been called in the next day what I meant to say said John Brown was that Dr. Rider though he is not rich and could not pay a large sum of money down would be very glad to make some arrangement he is very anxious about it and he seemed himself to think that if you knew his circumstances you would not be disinclined to but as I did not at all know Lucille caught as it were and met and forced to face her her informants embarrassed hesitating look you say this said Ms. March Banks because people used to say there was something between us and you think I may have some feeling about it but there never was anything between us anybody with a quarter of an eye could have seen he was going out of his senses about that little Australian girl and I am rather fond of men that are in love it shows they have some good in them but it is dreadful to talk of such things now said Lucille with a sigh of self-reproach if Dr. Rider has any arrangement to propose I should like to give him the preference please you see they have begun to send for him already in Grange Lane I will do whatever you think proper said John Brown who was rather scared and very much impressed by Ms. March Banks' candor Dr. Rider had been the first love of Mr. Brown's own wife and the lawyer had a curious kind of satisfaction in thinking that this silly young fellow had thus lost two admirable women and that probably the little Australian was equally inferior to Ms. March Banks and Mrs. Brown he ought to have been grateful that Dr. Rider had left the latter lady to his own superior discrimination and so he was and yet it gave him a certain odd satisfaction to think that the doctor was not so happy as he might have been he went away fully warranted to receive Dr. Rider's proposition and even to a certain extent to decide upon it and Lucille threw herself back in her chair in the silent drawing room from which Anjimima had discreetly withdrawn and began to think over the reality of her position as she now saw it for the first time the sense of bewildering revolution and change was over first strangely enough the greater a change is the more easily the mind after the first shock accepts and gets accustomed to it it was over and the world felt steady once more under Lucille's feet and she sat down not precisely amid the ruins of her happiness but still in the presence of many an imagination overthrown to look at her real position it was not after all utter poverty misery and destitution as at the first glance she had believed according to what John Brown had said and a rapid calculation which Lucille had herself made in passing something approaching 200 a year would be left to her just a small single woman's revenue as she thought to herself 200 a year all at once there came into Miss March Banks' mind a sudden vision of the two Miss Ravenswoods who had lived in that pretty set of rooms over else worthy shop facing into Grange Lane and who had kept a lady's maid and asked the best people in the place to tea upon a very similar income and how their achievements had been held up to everybody as a model of what genteel economy could do she thought of them and her heart sank within her for it was not in Lucille's nature to live without a sphere nor to dis-join herself from her fellow creatures nor to give up entirely the sovereign position she had held for so many years whatever she might ultimately do it was clear that in the meantime she could not make up her mind to any such giving up of the battle as that and then there was the house she might let it to the riders and add probably another hundred a year to her income for though it was an excellent house and worth more than a hundred a year still there was no competition for houses in Grange Lane and the new doctor was the only probable tenant and to tell the truth though Lucille was very reasonable it went to her heart at the present moment to think of letting the house to the new doctor and having the patients come as usual and the lamp lighted as of old and nothing changed except the central figure of all she ought to have been above such sentimental ideas when a whole hundred pounds a year was in question but she was not which of itself was a strange phenomenon if she could have made up her mind to that there were a great many things that she might have done she might still have gone abroad and to some extent taken a limited share in what was going on in some section of English society on the continent or she might have gone to one of the mild centers of a similar kind of life in England but such a prospect did not offer many attractions to miss marge banks if she had been rich it would have been different thus their gradually dawned upon her the germ of the plan she ultimately adopted and which was the only one that commended itself to her feelings going away was expensive and troublesome at the best and even at elsewhere these if she could have made up her mind to such an expedient she would have been charged a pound a week for the rooms alone not to speak of all kinds of extras and never having the satisfaction of feeling yourself in your own place under all the circumstances it was impressed upon Lucille's mind that her natural course was to stay still where she was and make no change why should she make any change the house was her own and did not cost anything and if Nancy would but stand by her and one good maid it was a venture but still Lucilla felt as if she might be equal to it though she was no mathematician miss marge banks was very clever at mental arithmetic in a practical sort of way she put down lines upon lines of figures in her head while she sat musing in her chair and worked them out with wonderful skill and speed and accuracy and the more she thought of it the more it seemed to her that this was the thing to do why should she retreat and leave her native soil and the neighborhood to the fall her friends because she was poor and in trouble Lucilla was not ashamed of being poor nor even frightened by it now that she understood what it was any more than she would have been frightened after the first shock had her poverty even been much more absolute she was standing alone at this moment as upon a little island of as yet undisturbed seclusion and calm and she knew very well that outside a perfect sea of good advice would surge around her as soon as she was visible in these circumstances Lucilla took by instinct the only wise course she made up her mind there and then with a perfect unanimity which is seldom to be gained when counselors are admitted and what she decided upon as was to be expected from her character was not to fly from her misfortune and the scene of it but to confront fate and take up her lawful burden and stay still in her own house it was the wisest and the easiest and at the same time the most heroic course to adopt and she knew beforehand that it was one which would be approved of by nobody all this lucilla steadily faced and considered and made up her mind to while she sat alone although silence and solitude and desolation seemed to have suddenly come in and taken possession all around her of the once gay and brilliant room she had just made her final decision when she was rejoined by her aunt who everybody said was at this trying moment like a mother to lucilla yet aunt jemima too had changed a little since her brother-in-law's death she was very fond of miss march banks and meant every word she had said about giving her a home and still meant it but she did not feel so certain now as she had done about tom's love for his cousin nor at all anxious to have him come home just at this moment and for another thing she had got away of prowling about the house and looking at the furniture in a speculative auctioneering sort of way it must be all sold of course aunt jemima had said to herself and i may as well look what things would suit me there is a little chiffonniere that i have always wanted for my drawing room and lucilla would like to see a few of the old things about her poor dear with this idea mrs john gave herself a great deal of unnecessary fatigue and gave much offense to the servants by making pilgrimages all over the house turning up at the most unlikely places and poking about in the least frequented rooms it was a perfectly virtuous and even amiable thing to do for it was better as she reasoned that they should go to her than to a stranger and it would be nice for lucilla to feel that she had some of the old things about her but then such delicate motives are seldom appreciated by the homely critics downstairs it was with something of this same air that she came into the drawing room where lucilla was she could not help laying her hand in a suggestive sort of way on a small table which she had to pass as if she were saying to herself as indeed she was saying the veneer has been broken off at that side and the foot is mended it will bring very little and yet it looks well when you don't look too close such were the ideas with which aunt jemima's mind was filled but yet she came forward with a great deal of sympathy and curiosity and forgot about the furniture in presence of her afflicted niece did he tell you anything lucilla said mrs john of course he must have told you something but anything satisfactory i mean i don't know if you can call it satisfactory said lucilla with a sudden rush of softer thoughts but it was a comfort to hear it he told me something about dear papa aunt jemima after he had heard of that you know all that he said was poor lucilla and don't you remember how he put his hand on my shoulder that last night i am so so glad he did it sobbed ms marge banks it may be supposed it was an abrupt transition from her calculations but after all it was only a different branch of the same subject and lucilla in all her life had never before shed such poignant and tender tears he might well say poor lucilla said mrs john brought up as you have been my dear and did you not hear anything more important i mean more important in a worldly point of view aunt jemima added correcting herself of course it must be the greatest comfort to hear something about your poor papa and then lucilla unfolded john browns further particulars to her surprised hearer mrs john lived upon a smallish income herself and she was not so contemptuous of the 200 a year and the house she said the house would bring you in another hundred lucilla the riders i am sure would take it directly and perhaps a great part of the furniture too 300 would not be so bad for a single woman did you say anything about the furniture my dear aunt jemima added half regretfully for she did feel that she would be sorry to lose that chiffonier i think i shall stay in the house said lucilla you may think it's silly aunt jemima but i was born in it and stay in the house mrs john said with a gasp she did not think it's silly but simple madness and so she told her niece if lucilla could not make up her mind to elsewhere these there was brighton and bath and chelton and a hundred other places where a single woman might be very comfortable on 300 a year and to lose a third part of her income for a piece of sentiment was so utterly unlike any conception aunt jemima had ever formed of her knees it was unlike ms march banks but there are times of life when even the most reasonable people are inconsistent lucilla though she felt it was open to grave criticism felt only more confirmed in her resolution by her aunt's remarks she heard a voice aunt jemima could not hear and that voice said stay end of chapter 45 recording by mary selqui chapter 46 of ms march banks this is a liber vox recording all liber vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit liber vox.org ms march banks by mrs elephant chapter 46 it must be allowed that lucilla's decision caused a very general surprise in carlingford where people had been disposed to think that she would be rather glad now that things were so changed to get away to be sure it was not known for some time but everybody's idea was that being thus left alone in the world and in circumstances so reduced ms march banks naturally would go to live with somebody perhaps with her aunt who had something though she was not rich perhaps after a little to visit about among her friends of whom she had so many nobody doubted that lucilla would abdicate at once and a certain uneasy yet delicious sense of freedom had already stolen into the hearts of some of the ladies in grange lane they lamented it is true the state of chaos into which everything would fall and the dreadful loss ms march banks would be to society but still freedom is a noble thing and lucilla's subjects contemplated their emancipation with a certain guilty delight it was at the same time a most fertile subject of discussion in carlingford and gave rise to all those lively speculations and consultations and often new comparing of notes which take the place of bets in the feminine community the carlingford ladies as good as betted upon lucilla whether she would go with her aunt or pay mrs beverly a visit at the denary or retire to mount pleasant for a little where those good old ms blunts were so fond of her each of these opinions had its backers if it is not profane to say so and the discussion which of them ms march banks would choose waxed very warm it almost put the election out of people's heads and indeed the election had been sadly damaged in interest in social importance by the sad and most unexpected event which had just happened in range lane but when the fact was really known it would be difficult to describe the sense of guilt and horror which filled many innocent bosoms the bound of freedom had been premature liberty and equality had not come yet notwithstanding that too early unwise a land of republican satisfaction it was true that she was in deep morning and that for a year at least society must be left to its own devices and it was true also that she was poor which might naturally be supposed a damper upon her energies but at the same time carlingford knew its lucilla as long as she remained in range lane even though retired and in crepe the constitutional monarch was still present among her subjects and nobody could usurp her place or show that utter indifference to her regulations which some revolutionaries had dreamed of such an idea would have gone direct in the face of the british constitution and the sense of the community would have been dead against it but everybody who had speculated upon her proceedings disapproved of lucilla in her most unlooked for resolution some could not think how she could bear it staying on there when everything was so changed and some said it was a weakness they could never have believed to exist in her and some for there are spiteful people everywhere breathed the names of cavendish and ashburton the rival candidates and hinted that mismarch banks had something in her mind to justify her lingering if lucilla had not been supported by a conscious sense of rectitude she must have broken down before this universal disapprobation not a soul in the world except one supported her in her resolution and that was perhaps of all others the one least likely to be able to judge and it was not for once of opportunity to go elsewhere aunt jamaima as has been seen did not lose an instant in offering the shelter of her house to her niece and mrs beverly wrote the longest kindest most incoherent letter begging her dear lucilla to come to her immediately for a long visit and adding that though she had to go out a good deal into society she didn't mind for that everything she could think of would be done to make her comfortable to which dr beverly himself who is now a dean added an equally kind post script begging mismarch banks to make her home at the denary until she saw how things were to be he would have found me a place perhaps lucilla said when she folded up the letter and this was a terrible mode of expression to the gentile ears of mrs john i wish you would not use such words my dear sent on jamaima even if you had been as poor as you thought my house would always have been a home for you thank heaven i have enough for both you never needed to have thought under any circumstances of taking a situation it is a thing i could never have consented to which was a very handsome thing of aunt jamaima to say thank you aunt said lucilla but she sighed for though it was very kind what was mismarch banks to have done with herself in such a dowager establishment and then colonel chile came in who had also his proposal to make she sent me the colonel said it's been a sad business for us all lucilla i don't know when i have felt anything more and as for her you know she has never held up her head since dear mrs chile mismarch bank said unable to resist the old affection and yet i heard she had sent for dr rider directly lucilla added she knew it was quite natural and perhaps quite necessary but then it did seem hard that his own friends should be the first to replace her dear papa it was i did that said the colonel what was a man to do i was horribly cut up but i could not stand and see her making herself worse and i said you had too much sense to mind so i thought said lucilla with penitence but when i remembered where he was last the very last place it was hard upon the colonel to stand by and see a woman cry it was a thing he could never stand as he had always said to his wife he took the poker which was his favorite resource and made one of his tremendous dashes at the fire to give lucilla time to recover herself and then he turned to aunt who sat pensively by she sent me said the colonel who did not think his wife needed any other name now that i would not have come of my own accord we want lucilla to go to us you see i don't know what plans she may have been making but we're both very fond of her she knows that i think if you have not settled upon anything the best that lucilla can do is come to us she will be the same as at home and always somebody to look after her the old colonel was standing before the fire wavering a little on his long unsteady old legs and looking wonderfully well preserved and old and feeble and lucilla though she was in mourning was so full of life and force in her way it was a curious sort of protection to offer her and yet it was real protection and love and succor though heaven knows it might not perhaps last out the year i am sure colonel chile it is a very kind offer said aunt jemima and i would have been thankful if she could have made up her mind to go with me but i must say she has taken a very queer notion into her head a thing i should never have expected from lucilla she says she will stay here here uh uh what does she mean by here said the colonel here colonel chile in this great big melancholy house i have been thinking about it and talking about it till my head goes round and round unless she were to take inmates said aunt jemima in a resigned and doleful voice as for the colonel he was petrified and for a long time had not a word to say here by joke i think she must have lost her senses said the old soldier why lucilla i i thought wasn't there something about the money being lost you couldn't keep up this house under a 1500 a year at least the doctor spent a mint of money you must be going out of your senses and to have all the sick people coming and the bell ringing of nights bless my soul it would kill anybody said colonel chile put on your bonnet and come out with me shutting her up here and letting her cry and so forth i don't say it ain't natural i'm terribly cut up myself whenever i think about it but it's been too much for her head said the colonel with anxiety and consternation mingling in his face unless she were to take inmates you know said aunt jemima in a supple crow voice there was something in the word that seemed to carry out to a point of reality much beyond anything he had dreamt of the suggestion colonel chile had just made inmates lord bless my soul what do you mean ma'am said the old soldier lucilla put on your bonnet directly and come have a little fresh air she'll soon be an inmate herself if we leave her here the colonel said they were all very sad and grave and yet it was a droll scene and then the old hero offered lucilla his arm and led her to the door you'll find me in the hall as soon as you are ready he said in tones half graph half tender and was glad to go downstairs though it was cold and put on his great coat with aid of thomas and stand warming the tips of his boots at the hall fire as for lucilla she obeyed him without a word and it was with his unsteady but kind old arm to lean upon that she first saw how the familiar world looked through the midst of this strange change that had come over it and through the blackness of her crepe veil but though she succeeded in satisfying her friends that she had made up her mind she did not secure their approval there were so many objections to her plan if you had been rich even i don't think i should have approved of it lucilla mrs chile said with tears and i think we could have made you happy here so the good old lady spoke looking round her pretty room which was so warm and cheery and bright and where the colonel neat and precise as if he had come out of a box was standing poking the fire it looked all very solid and substantial and yet it was unstable as any gossamer that the careless passenger might brush away the two good people were so old that they had forgotten to remember they were old but neither did lucilla think of that this was really what she thought and partly said i am in my own house that wants no expense nor changing and nancy is getting old and does not mind standing by me and it is not so much trouble after all keeping everything nice when there is no gentleman coming in and nothing else to do and besides i don't mean to be lucilla march banks forever and ever this was the general scope without going into all the details of what lucilla said but at the same time though she was so happy as not to be disturbed in her decision or made uncomfortable either by lamentation or remonstrance and had no doubt in her mind that she was doing right it was desegreable to miss march banks to go thus in the face of all her friends she went home by herself and the house did look dreary from the outside it was just as it had always been for none of the servants were dismissed as yet nor any external change made but still a look as if it had fallen asleep a look as if it too had died somehow and only pretended to be a house and home was apparent in the aspect of the place and when the servants were gone and nobody remained except lucilla and her faithful nancy and a young maid which must be the furthest limit of miss march banks's household and difficult enough to maintain upon 200 a year what would it look like this thought was more discouraging than any remonstrances and it was with a heavy heart that lucilla re-entered her solitary house she told thomas to follow her upstairs and when she sank tired into a chair and put up her veil before commencing to speak to him it was all she could do to keep from crying the depressing influences of this sad week had told so much on her that she was quite fatigued by her walk to see mrs chile and thomas too knew why he had been called and stood in a formal manner before her with his hands crossed against the closed door when she put back her thick black veil the last climax of painful change came upon miss march banks she did not feel as if she were lucilla so discouraged and depressed and pale and tired with her walk as she was with all sorts of projects and plans so quenched out of her almost if she had been charged with being somebody else the imputation was one which she could not have denied thomas she said faintly i think i ought to speak to you myself about all that has happened we are such old friends and you have been such a good kind servant you know i shan't be able to keep up and sorry we all was missed to hear it said thomas when lucilla's utterance failed i am sure there never was a better master though particular and for a comfortabler house if i had been as poor papa expected to leave me said mrs march banks after a little pause everything would have gone on as usual but after your long service here and so many people as know you thomas you will have no difficulty in getting as good a place and you know that anything i can say thank you miss said thomas and then he made a pause it was not exactly that as i was thinking of i've set my heart this many a day on a little business if you would be so kind as to speak a word for me to the gentleman as has the licensing there ain't nobody knows better how what kind of business thomas said lucilla who cheered up a little in ready interest and would have been very glad if she could have taken a little business too well miss a kind of a quiet public house if i don't make too bold to name it said thomas with a deprecating air not one of them drinking places miss as i know ladies can't abide but many a man as is a very decent man wants his pint of beer now and again and their little sort of clubs of a night as well as the gentle folks and it's my opinion miss as it's a man's duty to see as that sort of thing don't go too far and yet as his fellow creatures has their bit of pleasure said thomas who naturally took the defensive side i am sure you are quite right said lucilla cheering up more and more and instinctively with her old statesman like breath of view throwing a rapid glance upon the subject to see what capabilities there might be in it and i hope you will always try to exercise a good influence what is all that noise and shouting out of doors it's one of the candidates miss said thomas as is addressing of the bargeman at the top of pricked slain ah said lucilla and a deep sigh escaped from her bosom but you cannot do anything of that kind you know thomas without a wife yes miss said thomas with great confusion and embarrassment that was just what i was going to say me and betsy betsy said lucilla with dismay for it had been betsy she had specially fixed upon as the handy willing cheerful maid who when there was no gentleman coming in and little else to do might keep even this big house in order she sighed but it was not in her power even if she had desired it to put any restriction upon betsy's wishes and it was not without a momentary envy that she received the intelligence it was life the housemaid was about to enter on active life of her own with an object and meaning clogged by thomas no doubt who did not appear to lucilla as the bright spot in the picture but still independent life whereas her mistress knew of nothing particularly interesting in her own uncertain future she was roused from her momentary meditation by the distance shouts which came from the top of pricked slain and sighed again without knowing it as she spoke it's a pity you had not got your little in said lucilla for the sake of euphony six months or a year ago for then you might have voted for mr. ashburton thomas i had forgotten about the election until now not as that needon stand in the way miss said thomas eagerly there's betsy's brother as has it now and he ain't made up his mind about his vote and if he knowed as it would be any comfort to you of course it will be a comfort to me said miss march banks and she got up from her chair with a sense that she was still not altogether useless in the world go and speak to him directly thomas and here's one of mr. ashburton's colors that i made up myself and tell him that there can be no doubt he is the man for carlingford and send up nancy to me and i hope betsy and you will be very happy said lucilla she had been dreadfully down but the rebound was all the more grateful i am not done with yet and thank heaven there must always be something to do she said to herself when she was alone and she threw off her shawl and began to make the drawing room look like itself not that it was not perfectly in order and as neat as a room could be but still the neatness savored of betsy and not of lucilla miss march banks in five minutes made it look like that cozy empire of hospitality and kindness and talk and wit and everything pleasant that it used to be and then when she had finished she sat down and had a good cry which did not do her any harm then nancy appeared disturbed in her preparations for dinner and with her arms wrapped in her apron looking glum and defiant hers was not the resigned and resourceful preparation for her fate which had appeared in thomas she came in and put the door ajar and lent her back against the sharp edge she might be sent off like the rest if that was miss lucilla's meaning her that had been in the house off and on for more than 30 years but if it was so at least she would not give up without unfolding a bit of her mind come in said lucilla drying her eyes come in and shut the door you had better come and sit down here nancy for i have a great deal to say and i want to speak to you as a friend nancy shut the door but she thought to herself that she knew what all this meant and made but very little movement into the room looking more forbidding than ever thank you all the same miss lucilla but i ain't too old to stand she said and stood firm to meet the shock with her arms folded under her apron thinking in her heart that it was about one of the alms houses her horror and hope that her young mistress was going to speak nancy said lucilla i want to tell you what i'm going to do i have to make up my mind for myself now they all go against me and one says i should do this and another says i should do that but i don't think anybody knows me so well as you do don't stand at the door i want to consult you as a friend i want to ask you a question and you must answer as if you were before a judge i have such confidence in you nancy's distrust and defiance gave way a little before this appeal she came a step nearer and let the apron drop from her folded arms what is it miss lucilla though i ain't pretending to be one to advise she said building a kind of entrenchment round her with the nearest chairs you know how things are changed said lucilla and that i can't stay here as i used to do people think i should go and live with somebody but i think you know if i was one of those ladies that have a fateful old servant to stand by them and never to grumble nor make a fuss nor go back on the past nor go in for expensive dishes one that wouldn't mind cooking a chop or making a cup of tea if that was all we could afford why i think nancy but nancy could not hear anymore she made a little rush forward with a kind of convulsive chuckling that was half sobbing and half laughter and me here cried dr. march bank's famous cook who had spent a fortune on her gravy beef alone and was one of the most expensive people in carlingford me as has done for you all your days me as would if it was but a roast potato cried the devoted woman she was in such a state of hysterical flutter and excitement that lucilla had to take her almost into her arms and put the old woman into a chair and bring her to which was an occupation quite in miss march bank's way but i shall have only 200 a year said lucilla now don't be rash there will have to be a maid to keep things tidy and that is every filing i shall have you used to spend as much in gravy beef said miss march bank's with a sigh oh miss lucilla let bygones be bygones said nancy with tears if i did it wasn't without many a little something for them as was too poor to buy it for themselves for i never was one as boiled the senses out of a bit of meat and when a gentleman is well to do and hasn't got no occasion to count every penny the doctor i will say for him was never one has asked too many questions give him a good dinner on his own table and he wasn't the gentleman has grudged a bit of broken meat for the poor folks he did a deal of good as you nor no one never know dove miss lucilla said nancy with a sob and then his daughter and his faithful old servant cried a little in company over dr march bank's vacant place what could a man have more nobody was made altogether desolate by his death nor was any heart broken but they wept for him honestly though the old woman felt happy in her sorrow and lucilla on her knees before the fire told nancy of that exclamation the doctor had made in john browns's office and how he had put his hand on her shoulder that last night all he said was poor lucilla sobbed miss march banks he never thought of himself nor all his money that he had worked so hard for and once more that touch of something more exquisite than was usual to her went sharply down into lucilla's heart and brought up tenderer and deeper tears she felt all the better for it after and was even a little cheerful in the evening and like herself and thus it will be seen that one person in carlingford not it is true a popular oracle but of powerful influence and first rate importance in a practical point of view gave the heartiest approbation to miss march banks scheme for her new life end of chapter 46 recording by mary sel quay chapter 47 of miss march banks this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox.org miss march banks by mrs olifant chapter 47 lucilla's calculations were fully justified by the result twenty times in a day she recognized the wisdom of her own early decision which was made while she was still by herself and before anybody had come in to advise her if she had left it over until the time when though much shaken she was understood to be able to see her friends it is just possible that the whirlwind of popular opinion which raged about her might have exercised a distracting influence even upon miss march banks's clear head and steady judgment for even now though they saw her in her own house in her morning people would not believe that it was true and that lucilla actually intended to make no change and all that tide of good advice which had been flowing through carlingford ever since the doctor's death in the form of opinion now rushed in upon her notwithstanding that all the world knew that she had made up her mind everybody says you are going to stay on but we do hope it is not true lucilla her friends said in many voices it is dreadful for us to lose you but you never could bear it dear and this was repeated so often that if miss march banks had been weak minded she must have ended by believing not only that it was more than she was equal to but more than she ought to be equal to which was a more touching argument still you are excited now miss brown said who had a great deal of experience in family troubles one always is at such a time but when things have settled down in their ordinary way then you will find it is more than you can bear i think it is always best to make a change if you were to travel a little you know but my dear i am poor said lucilla it doesn't require so much money when you know how to set about it said her advisor and there are so many people who would be glad to have you lucilla and then you might settle a little at kan or tour or some of those nice places where there is such capital english society and everything's so cheap or if you thought your health required it at po or niece you know you are looking quite pale and i don't think you were ever very strong in the chest lucilla and everything is so different on the continent one feels it the moment one crosses the channel there is something different in the very air it smells different i know said lucilla meekly and then the conversation was interrupted by that afternoon cup of tea which nancy could not be got to think was an extravagance and round which to tell the truth the grange lane ladies began to resume their habit of gathering though miss march banks of course was still quite unequal to society as in the old times and unless it is for a very short time lucilla mrs centum said who had joined them you never can keep it up you know i could not pretend to afford nancy for my part and when a cook is extravagant she may promise us faithfully as you please and make good resolutions and all that but when it is in her lucilla i am sure one or two receipts she has given me have been quite ridiculous you don't like to give in i know but you'll be driven to give in and if she does not get you into debt as well as you will be very lucky i know what it is with my family you know a week of nancy would make an end of me and the worst of all is said lady richmond who had driven in expressly to add her might to the treasure of precious counsel of which miss march banks was making so little use that i am sure lucilla is overestimating her strength she will find after that she's not equal to it you know all the associations and the people coming at night to ask for the doctor and and all that i know it would kill me dear lady richmond said lucilla making a desperate stand and setting as it were her back against the rock don't you think i can bear it best here where you all are so kind to me and where everybody was so fond of of him you can't think what a comfort it is to me said lucilla with a sob to see all the hat bands upon the gentleman's hats and then there was a pause for this was an argument against which nobody could find anything to say for my part i think the only thing she can do is take inmates said aunt jemima if i were obliged to leave she would be so very lonely i have no ladies do it who are in a very good position and it made no difference people visited them all the same she could say in consequence of changes in the family or a lady who has a larger house than she requires which i am sure is quite true it goes to one's heart to think of all these bedrooms and only one lady to sleep in them all when so many people are so hampered for want of room or she might say for the sake of society for i am sure if i should have to go away but i hope you are not going away it would be so sad for lucilla to be left alone said lady richmond who took a serious view of everything at such a time oh no aunt jemima said faltering a little and then a pink blush which seemed strangely uncalled for in such a mild little tea party came over her mature continents pretend one can never tell what may happen i might have other duties my son might make a call upon my time not that i know of anything at present she added hurriedly but i never can bind myself on account of tom and then she caught lucilla's eye and grew more confused than ever what could she have to be confused about if tom did make a call upon her time whatever that might mean there was nothing in it to call a blush upon his mother's face and the fact was that a letter had come from tom a day or two before of which contrary to all her usual habits aunt jemima had taken no notice to lucilla these were things which would have roused mismarch banks' curiosity if she had been able to think about anything as she said but her visitors were taking their cup of tea all the time in a melancholy half sympathetic half disapproving way and they could not be expected to see anything particularly interesting in aunt jemima's blush and then rose lake came in from grove street who was rather an unusual visitor and whose appearance though they were all very kind and gracious to her rather put the others to flight for nobody had ever quite forgotten or forgiven barbarous brief entrance into society and flirtation with mr cavendish which might be said to have been the beginning of all that happened to him in grange lane as for mrs centum she took her leave directly and pressed lucilla's hand and could not help sing in her ear that she hoped the other was not coming back to carlingford to throw herself in poor mr cavendish's way it would do him so much harm mrs centum said anxiously but oh i forgot lucilla you are on the other side i am on no side now said miss march banks with plaintive meaning and barbara was as old as i am you know and she must have gone off i have no doubt she has gone off said mrs centum with righteous indignation as old as you lucilla she must be ten years older at least and such a shocking style of looks if men were not so infatuated and you have not gone off at all my poor dear she added with all the warmth of friendship and then they were joined at the door by the county lady who was the next to go away my dear i hope you will be guided for the best lady richmond said as she went away but she gave a deep sigh as she kissed lucilla and looked as if she had very little faith in the efficacy of her own wish maria brown had withdrawn to another part of the drawing room with aunt jemima so that lucilla was so to speak left alone with rose and rose too had come with the intention of giving advice i hear you are going to stay lucilla she said and i did not think i would be doing my duty if i did not tell you what was in my mind i can't do any good to anybody you know but you who are so clever and have so much in your power i am poor now said miss march banks and as for being clever i don't know about that i never was clever about drawing or art like you oh like me said poor little rose whose career had been sacrificed 10 years ago and who was a little misanthropical now and did not believe even in schools of design i am not so sure about the moral influence of art as i used to be except high arts to be sure but we never have any high art down here and oh lucilla the poor people do want something done for them if i was as clever as you with a great house all to myself like this and well off and with plenty of influence and no ties said rose with energetic emphasis she made a pause there and she was so much in earnest that the tears came into her eyes i would make it a house of mercy lucilla i would show all these poor creatures how to live and how to manage if i was as clever as you and teach them and their children and look after them and be a mother to them said rose and here she stopped short altogether overcome by her own magnificent conception of what her friend could or might do aunt jemima and miss brown who had drawn near out of curiosity stared at rose as if they thought she had gone mad but lucilla who was of a larger mind and more enlightened ideas neither laughed nor looked horrified she did not make a very distinct answer it was true but she was very kind to her new advisor and made her a fresh cup of tea and even consented though in an ambiguous way to the principle she had just enunciated if you won't be affronted my dear lucilla said i do not think that art could do very much in carlingford and i am sure any little thing that i may be of use for but she did not commit herself any further and rose too found the result of her visit unsatisfactory and went home disappointed in lucilla this was how the afternoon passed and at the end of such a day it may well be imagined how miss march banks congratulated herself on having made up her mind before the public so to speak were admitted for rose was followed by the rector who though he did not propose in so many words a house of mercy made no secret of his conviction that parish work was the only thing that could be of any service to lucilla and that in short such was the inevitable and providential destination of a woman who had no ties indeed to hear mr. berry a stranger would have been disposed to believe that dr march banks had been as he said removed and his fortune swept away all in order to indicate to lucilla the proper sphere for her energies in the face of all this it would be seen how entirely miss march banks's wisdom in making her decision by herself before her advisors broke in upon her was justified she could not set her back against her rock and face her assailants as fits james did come one come all this rock shall fly from its firm base as soon as i might have been her utterance but she was not in a defiant mood she kissed all her counselors that day except of course director and heard them out with the sweetest patience and then she thought to herself how much better it was that she had made up her mind to take her own way notwithstanding all this commotion of public opinion about her made a certain impression upon miss march banks's mind it was not unpleasant to feel that for this moment at least she was the center of the thoughts of the community and that almost everybody in carlingford had taken the trouble to frame an ideal existence for her according as he or she regarded life it is so seldom that anyone has it in his power consciously and evidently to regulate his life for himself and make it whatever he wants it to be and then at the same time the best that she could make of it would after all be something very limited and unsatisfactory in her musings on this subject lucilla could not but go back a great many times to that last conversation she had with her father when she walked up grange lane with him that night over the thawed and muddy snow the doctor had said she was not cut out for a single woman and lucilla with candor yet a certain philosophical speculativeness had allowed that she was not unless indeed she could be very rich if she had been very rich the prospect would no doubt have been to a certain extent different and then oddly enough it was rose lake's suggestion which came after this to lucilla's mind she did not smile at it as some people might expect she would one thing was quite sure that she had no intention of sinking into a nobody and giving up all power of acting upon her fellow creatures and she could not help being conscious of the fact that she was able to be of much use to her fellow creatures if it had been maria brown for instance who had been concerned the whole question would have been one of other unimportance except to the heroine herself but it was different in miss marge banks case the house of mercy was not a thing to be taken into any serious consideration but still there was something in the idea which lucilla could not dismiss carelessly as her friends could she had no vocation such as the founders of such an establishment ought to have nor did she see her way to the abandonment of all projects for herself and that utter devotion to the cause of humanity which would be involved in it but yet when a woman happens to be full of energy and spirit and determined that whatever she may be she shall certainly not be a non entity her position is one that demands thought she was very capable of serving her fellow creatures and very willing and well disposed to serve them and yet she was not inclined to give herself up entirely to them nor to relinquish her personal prospects vague though these might be it was a tough problem and one which might have cost a most unusual disturbance in lucilla's well-regulated mind had not she remembered all at once what deep mourning she was in and that at present no sort of action either of one kind or another could be expected of her there was no need for making a final decision either about the parish work or about taking inmates as aunt jemima proposed or about any other single suggestion which had been offered to her no more than there was any necessity for asking what her cousin tom's last letter had been about or why his mother looked so guilty and embarrassed when she spoke of him grief has its privileges and exemptions like other great principles of life and the recollection that she could not at present be expected to be able to think about anything filled lucilla's mind with the most soothing sense of consolation and refreshing calm and then other events occurred to occupy her friends the election for one thing began to grow a little exciting and took away some of the superfluity of grange lane mr ashburton had carried all before him at first but since director had come into the field the balance had changed a little mr berry was very low church and from the moment at which he was persuaded that mr cavendish was a great penitent the question as to which was the man for carlingford had been solved in his mind in the most satisfactory way a man who entrenched himself in mere respectability and trusted in his own good character and considered himself to have a clear conscience and to have done his duty had no chance against the repentant sinner mr cavendish perhaps had not done his duty quite so well but then he was penitent and everything was expressed in that word the rector was by no means contemptible either as an adversary or a supporter and the worst of it was that in embracing mr cavendish's claims he could scarcely help speaking of mr ashburton as if he was in a very bad way and feeling began to rise rather high in carlingford if anything could have deepened the intensity of miss march banks' grief it would have been to know that all this was going on and that affairs might go badly with her candidate while she was shut up and could give no aid it was hard upon her and it was hard upon the candidates themselves one of whom had thus become generally disapproved of without so far as he knew doing anything to deserve it while the other occupied the still more painful character of being on his promotion a repentant man with a character to keep up it was no wonder that mrs centum grew pale at the very idea of such a creature as barbara lake throwing herself in poor mr cavendish's way a wrong step one way or other a relapse into the ways of wickedness might undo in a moment all that had cost so much trouble to do and the advantage of director support was thus grievously counterbalanced by what might be called the uncertainty of it especially as mr cavendish was not as his committee lamented secretly among themselves a man of strong will or business habits in whom implicit confidence could be placed he might get restive and throw the rector over just at the critical moment or he might relapse into his lazy continental habits and give up churchgoing and other good practices but still up to that moment he had shown very tolerable perseverance and mr barry's influence thrown into his scale had equalized matters very much and made the contest very exciting all this lucilla heard not from mr cavendish but from her own candidate who had taken to calling in a steady sort of way he never went into any effusions of sympathy for he was not that kind of man but he would shake hands with her and say that people must submit to the decrees of providence and then he would speak of the election and of his chances sometimes mr ashburton was despondent and then lucilla cheered him up and sometimes he had very good hopes i am very glad you are to be here he said on one of these occasions it would have been a great loss to me if you hadn't gone away i shall never forget our talk about it here that day and how you were the first person that found me out it was not any cleverness of mine said lucilla it came into my mind all in a moment like spirit rapping you know it seems so strange to talk about that now there have been such changes since then it looks like years yes said mr ashburton in his steady way there is nothing that really makes time look so long but we must all bow to these dispensations my dear miss march banks i would not speak of the election but that i thought it might amuse you the ritz are out now you know and it takes place on monday week upon which miss march banks smiled upon mr ashburton and held out her hands to him with a gesture and look which said more than words you know you will have all my best wishes she said and the candidate was much moved more moved than at such a moment he had thought it possible to be if i succeed i know whom i shall thank the most he said fervently and then as this was a climax and it would have been a kind of pathos to plunge into ordinary details after it mr ashburton got up still holding lucilla's hand and clasped it almost tenderly as he said goodbye she looked very well in her morning though she had not expected to do so for black was not lucilla's style and the fact was that instead of having gone off as she herself had said miss march banks looked better than ever she did and was even embellished by the natural tears which is still shown by times in her eyes mr ashburton went out in a kind of bewilderment after this interview and forgot his overcoat in the hall and had to come back for it which was a confusing circumstance and then he went on his way with a gentle excitement which was not unpleasant would she i wonder he said to himself as he went up range lane perhaps he was only asking himself whether lucilla would or could be present along with lady richmond at her family at the window of the blue bore on the great day but if that was it the idea had a certain brightening and quickening influence upon his face and his movements the doubt he had on the subject whatever it was was not a discouraging but a pecan stimulating exciting doubt he had all but proposed the question to his committee when he went in among them which would have filled these gentlemen with wonder and dismay but though he did not do that he carried it home with him as he trotted back to the first to dinner mr ashburton took a walk through his own house that evening and examined all its capabilities with no particular motive as he was at pains to explain to his housekeeper and again he said to himself would she i wonder before he retired for the night which was no doubt an unusual sort of iteration for so sensible a man and one so fully occupied with the most important affairs to make as for lucilla she was not in the way of asking herself any questions at that moment she was letting things take their course and not interfering and consequently nothing that happened could be said to be her fault she carried this principle so far that even when aunt jemima was herself led to open the subject in a hesitating way miss march banks never even asked a single question about tom's last letter she was in mourning and that was enough for her as for appearing at the window of the blue bore with lately richmond if that was what mr ashburton was curious about he might have saved himself the trouble of any speculations on the subject for though miss march banks would be very anxious about the election she would indeed have been ashamed of herself could her feelings have permitted her to appear anywhere in public so soon thus while mr ashburton occupied himself much with a question which had taken possession of his mind lucilla took a good book which seemed the best reading for her in her circumstances and when she had looked after all her straightened affairs in the morning sat down sweetly in the afternoon quiet of her retirement and seclusion and let things take their way end of chapter 47 recording by maricel quay