CHAPTER 18 DOES BUSINESS WITH THE HOUSE OF ANTHONY CHUZZLEWIT AND SON, FROM WHICH ONE OF THE PARTNERS RETIRES UNEXPECTEDLY. CHAPTER 18 DOES BUSINESS WITH THE HOUSE OF ANTHONY CHUZZLEWIT AND SON, FROM WHICH ONE OF THE PARTNERS RETIRES UNEXPECTEDLY. Change begets change, nothing propagates so fast. If a man habituated to a narrow circle of cares and pleasures out of which he seldom travels, step beyond it, though for never so brief a space, his departure from the monotonous scene on which he has been an actor of importance would seem to be the signal for instant confusion. As if in the gap he had left, the wedge of change were driven to the head, rending what was a solid mass to fragments, things cemented and held together by the usages of years, burst asunder in as many weeks. The mine, which time has slowly dug beneath familiar objects, is sprung in an instant, and what was rocked before becomes but sand and dust. Most men, at one time or other, have proved this in some degree. The extent to which the natural laws of change asserted their supremacy in that limited sphere of action which Martin had deserted shall be faithfully set down in these pages. What a cold spring it is, whimpered old Anthony, drawing near the evening fire. It was a warmer season, sure, when I was young. You needn't go scorching your clothes into holes, whether it was or not, observed the amiable Jonas, raising his eyes from yesterday's newspaper. Broadcloth ain't so cheap as that comes to. A good lad tried the father, breathing on his cold hands and feebly chafing them against each other. A prudent lad, he never delivered himself up to the vanities of dress, no, no. I don't know, but I would, though, mind you, if I could do it for nothing," said his son, as he resumed the paper. Ah, chuckled the old man, if indeed, but it's very cold. Let the fire be, cried Mr. Jonas, stopping his honored parents' hand in the use of the poker. Do you mean to come to want in your old age that you take to wasting now? There's not time for that, Jonas, said the old man. Not time for what, bawled his air? For me to come to want, I wish there was. You always were as selfish and old-blade as need be, said Jonas, and a voice too low for him to hear, and looking at him with an angry frown.  You wouldn't mind coming to want, wouldn't you?  Might they, for anything you cared? Oh, you precious old flint. After this dutiful address he took his teacup in his hand, for that meal was in progress, and the father and son and chuffy were partakers of it. Then, looking steadfastly at his father, and stopping now and then to carry a spoonful of tea to his lips, he proceeded in the same tone, thus, want indeed.  Well, I declare, there isn't time? No, I should hope not. But you'd live to be a couple of hundred, if you could, and after all be discontented, I know you. The old man sighed, and still sat cowering before the fire. Mr. Jonas shook his botanium-metal teaspoon at him, and taking a loft of your position went on to argue the point on high moral grounds. You're in such a state of mind as that, he grumbled, but in the same subdued key. Why don't you make over your property, buy an annuity cheap and make your life interesting to yourself and everybody else that watches the speculation? But no, that wouldn't suit you. That would be natural conduct to your own son, and you'd like to be unnatural, and to keep him out of his right. Why, I should be ashamed of myself if I was you, and glad to hide my head in the what you may call it. Possibly this general phrase supplied the place of grave, or tomb, or sepulcher, or cemetery, or mausoleum, or other such word which the filial tenderness of Mr. Jonas made him delicate of pronouncing. He pursued the theme no further, for Chuffy, somehow discovering from his old corner by the fireside that Anthony was in the attitude of a listener, and that Jonas appeared to be speaking, suddenly cried out like one inspired, He is your own son, Mr. Chuzzlewit, your own son, sir. Old Chuffy little suspected what depth of application these words had, or that, in the bitter satire which they bore, they might have sunk into the old man's very soul. Could he have known what words were hanging on his own son's lips, or what was passing in his thoughts? But the voice diverted the current of Anthony's reflections and roused him. Yes, yes, Chuffy, Jonas is a chip off the old block. It is a very old block now, Chuffy, said the old man, with a strange look of discomposure. Precious old, assented Jonas. No, no, no, said Chuffy. No, Mr. Chuzzlewit, not old at all, sir.  Upon my soul, Father, he's getting too bad. Hold your tongue, will you? He says you're wrong, cried Anthony to the old clerk. Tut, tut, was Chuffy's answer. I know better. I say he's wrong. I say he's wrong. He's a boy. That's what he is. So are you, Mr. Chuzzlewit, a kind of boy? You're quite a boy to many, I have known.   Don't mind him. With which extraordinary speech. For in the case of Chuffy, this was a burst of eloquence without a parallel. This shadow drew through his palsy arm, his master's hand, and held it there with his own folded upon it as if he would defend him. I grow deaf for every day, Chuff, said Anthony, with as much softness of manner, or to describe it more correctly, with as little hardness as he was capable of expressing. No, no, cried Chuffy. No, you don't. What if you did? I've been deaf this twenty year. I grow blinder too, said the old man, shaking his head. That's a good sign, cried Chuffy. The best sign in the world, you saw too well before. He patted Anthony upon the hand as one might comfort a child, and drawing the old man's arm still further through his own, shook his trembling fingers towards the spot where Jonas sat, as though he would wave him off. But Anthony, remaining quite still and silent, he relaxed his hold by slow degrees and elapsed into his usual niche in the corner, merely putting forth his hand at intervals and touching his old employer gently on the coat, as with the design of assuring himself that he was yet beside him. Mr. Jonas was so very much amazed by these proceedings that he could do nothing but stare at the two old men until Chuffy had fallen into his usual state and Anthony had sunk into a dose, when he gave some vent to his emotions by going close up to the former personage and making as though he would, in vulgar parlance, punch his head. They had been carrying on this game, thought Jonas in a brown study, for the last two or three weeks. I never saw my father take so much notice of him as he has in that time, what?  But Chuffy was as little conscious of the thought as of the bodily advance of Mr. Jonas's clenched fist, which hovered fondly about his ear. When he had scowled at him to his heart's content, Jonas took the candle from the table and walking into the glass office produced a bunch of keys from his pocket. With one of these he opened a secret drawer in the desk, peeping stealthily out as he did so, to be certain that the two old men were still before the fire. All is right as ever said Jonas, propping a lid of the desk open with his forehead and unfolding a paper. Here's the will, Mr. Chuff, thirty pound a year for your maintenance, old boy, and all the rest to his only son Jonas.  What's that? It was, startling certainly, a face on the other side of the glass partition looking curiously in, and not at him but at the paper in his hand, for the eyes were attentively cast down upon the writing and were swiftly raised when he cried out. Then they met his own and were as the eyes of Mr. Peck sniff. Suffering the lid of the desk to fall with a loud noise, but not forgetting even then to lock it, Jonas, pale and breathless, gazed upon this phantom. It moved, opened the door, and walked in. What's the matter? cried Jonas, falling back. Who is it? Where do you come from? What do you want? Matter, cried the voice of Mr. Peck sniff, as Peck sniff in the flesh smiled amiably upon him. The matter, Mr. Jonas? What are you prying and peering about here for? said Jonas angrily. What do you mean by coming up to town in this way and taking one unawares? Its precious odd man can't read the newspaper in his own office without being startled out of his wits by people coming in without notice. Why didn't you knock at the door? So I did, Mr. Jonas, answered Peck sniff, but no one heard me. I was curious, he added, in his gentle way, as he laid his hand upon the young man's shoulder, to find out what part of the newspaper interested you so much, but the glass was too dim and dirty. Jonas glanced and hazed at the partition. Well, it wasn't very clean, so far he spoke the truth. Was it poetry, now, said Mr. Peck sniff, shaking the forefinger of his right hand with an air of cheerful banter? Or was it politics? Or was it the price of stock? The main chance, Mr. Jonas, was your chance, I suspect? You ain't far from the truth, answered Jonas, recovering himself and snuffing the candle. How the deuce do you come to be in London again? He cut its enough to make a man stare to see a fellow looking at him all of a sudden, who he thought was 60 or 70 miles away. So it is, said Mr. Peck sniff, no doubt of it, my dear Mr. Jonas, for while the human mind is constituted as it is, oh, bother the human mind, interrupted Jonas with impatience. What have you come up for? A little matter of business, said Mr. Peck sniff, which has arisen quite unexpectedly. Oh, cried Jonas, is that all? Well, here's father in the next room. Hello, father, here's Peck sniff. He gets more adipated every day he lives, I do believe, muttered Jonas, shaking his honored parent roundly.  The combined effects of the shaking in this loving remonstrant soon awoke the old man, who gave Mr. Peck sniff a chuckling welcome, which was attributable in part to his being glad to see that gentleman, and in part to his unfading delight in the recollection of having called him a hypocrite, as Mr. Peck sniff had not yet taken tea, indeed he had, but an hour before arrived in London. The remains of the late Colation, with the rasher of bacon, were served up for his entertainment, and as Mr. Jonas had a business appointment in the next street, he stepped out to keep it, promising to return before Mr. Peck sniff could finish his repast. And now, my good sir, said Mr. Peck sniff to Anthony, now that we are alone, pray tell me what I can do for you. I say alone, because I believe that our dear friend Mr. Chuffy is, metaphysically speaking, shall I say a dummy, asked Mr. Peck sniff, sweetest smile in his head, very much on one side. He neither hears us, replied Anthony, nor sees us. Why then, said Mr. Peck sniff, I will be bold to say, with the utmost sympathy for his afflictions, and the greatest admiration of those excellent qualities, which do equal honour to his head and to his heart, that he is what is playfully termed a dummy. You were going to observe, my dear sir. I was not going to make any observation that I know of, replied the old man. I was, said Mr. Peck sniff mildly. Oh, you were, what was it? That I never, said Mr. Peck sniff, previously rising to see that the door was shut, and arranging his chair when he came back, so that it could not be opened in the least without his immediately becoming aware of the circumstance, that I never in my life was so astonished as by the receipt of your letter yesterday, that you should do me the honour to wish to take counsel with me on any matter amazed me, but that you should desire to do so to the exclusion even of Mr. Jonas, showed an amount of confidence in one to whom you had done a verbal injury, merely a verbal injury you were anxious to repair, which gratified, which moved, which overcame me. He was always a glib speaker, but he delivered this short address very glibly, having been at some pains to compose it outside the coach. Although he paused for a reply and truly said that he was there at Anthony's request, the old man sat gazing at him in profound silence and with a perfectly blank face. Nor did he seem to have the least desire or impulse to pursue the conversation, though Mr. Peck sniff looked towards the door and pulled out his watch and gave him many other hints that their time was short, and Jonas, if he kept his word, would soon return. But the strangest incident in all this strange behavior was that of a sudden, in a moment so swiftly that it was impossible to trace how or to observe any process of change, his features fell into their old expression and he cried, striking his hand passionately upon the table as if no interval at all had taken place. Will you hold your tongue, sir, and let me speak? Mr. Peck sniffed deferred to him with a submissive bow and said within himself, I knew his hand was changed and that his writing staggered, I said so yesterday. Dear me, Jonas is sweet upon your daughter, Peck sniff said the old man in his usual tone. We spoke of that, if you remember, sir, at Mrs. Todgers's, replied the courteous architect. You needn't speak so loud, retorted Anthony, I'm not so deaf as that. Mr. Peck sniff had certainly raised his voice pretty high, not so much because he thought Anthony was deaf as because he felt convinced that his perceptive faculties were waxing dim, but this quick resentment of his considerate behavior greatly disconcerted him and not knowing what tack to shape his course upon he made another inclination of the head yet more submissive than the last. I have said, repeated the old man, that Jonas is sweet upon your daughter. A charming girl, sir, murmured Mr. Peck sniff, saying that he waited for an answer. A dear girl, Mr. Chuzzlewit, though I say it, who should not? You know better, cried the old man, advancing his wheeze and face at least a yard and starting forward in his chair to do it.  My good sir, Mr. Peck sniff began. Don't call me a good sir, retorted Anthony, and don't claim to be one yourself. If your daughter was what you would have me believe she didn't do for Jonas. Being what she is, I think she will. He might be deceived in a wife. She might run riot, contract debts, and waste his substance. Now when I am dead, his face altered so horribly as he said the word that Mr. Peck sniff really was feigned to look another way. It will be worse for me to know of such doings than if I was alive, for to be tormented for getting that together, which even while I suffer for its acquisition, long into the very kennels of the streets would be insupportable torture. No, said the old man hoarsely. Let that be saved at least. Let there be something gained and kept fast hold of when so much is lost. My dear Mr. Cheslowit, said Peck sniff, these are unwholesome fancies. Quite unnecessary, sir, quite uncalled for, I am sure. The truth is, my dear sir, that you are not well. Not dying, though, cried Anthony, with something like the snarl of a wild animal. Not yet. There are years of life in me. Why, look at him, pointing to his feeble clerk. Death has no right to leave him standing and to mow me down. Mr. Peck sniff was so much afraid of the old man, and so completely taken aback by the state in which he found him, that he had not even presence of mind enough to call up a scrap of morality from the great storehouse within his own breast. Therefore he stammered out that no doubt it was, in fairness and decency, Mr. Chuffy's turn to expire, and that from all he had heard of Mr. Chuffy, and the little he had the pleasure of knowing of that gentleman personally, he felt convinced in his own mind that he would see the propriety of expiring with as little delay as possible. Come here, said the old man, beckoning him to draw nearer. Jonas will be my heir. Jonas will be rich and a great catch for you. You know that. Jonas is sweet upon your daughter. I know that too, thought Mr. Peck sniff, for you have said it often enough. He might get more money than with her, said the old man, but she will help him to take care of what they have. She is not too young or heedless, and comes of a good hard, griping stock. But don't you play too fine a game. She only holds him by a thread, and if you draw it too tight, I know his temper. It'll snap. Bind him when he's in the mood, Peck sniff. Bind him. You're too deep. In your way of leading him on, you'll leave him miles behind. Bah, you man of oil, have I no eyes to see how you have angled with him from the first? Now I wonder, thought Mr. Peck sniff, looking at him with a wistful face, whether this is all he has to say. Old Anthony rubbed his hands and muttered to himself, complained again that he was cold, drew his chair before the fire, and sitting with his back to Mr. Peck sniff, and his chin sunk down upon his breast, was, in another minute, quite regardless, or forgetful of his presence. Uncoothed and unsatisfactory as this short interview had been, it had furnished Mr. Peck sniff with a hint, which supposing nothing further were imparted to him, repaid the journey up and home again. For the good gentleman had never, for want of an opportunity, dived into the depths of Mr. Jonas's nature, and any recipe for catching such a son-in-law, much more, one written on a leaf out of his own father's book, was worth the having. In order that he might lose no chance of improving so fair an opportunity by allowing Anthony to fall asleep before he had finished all he had to say, Mr. Peck sniff, in the disposal of the refreshments on the table, a work to which he now applied himself in earnest, resorted to many ingenious contrivances for attracting his attention, such as coughing, sneezing, clattering the tea cups, sharpening the knives, dropping the loaf, and so forth. But all in vain, for Mr. Jonas returned, and Anthony had said no more. What? My father asleep again, he cried as he hung up his hat and cast a look at him. Ah, and snoring, only here. He snores very deep, said Mr. Peck sniff. Snores deep, repeated Jonas. Yes, let him alone for that. He'll snore for six at any time.  Breaking. Oh, is he, though? replied Jonas, with a shake of the head, which expressed the closeness of his dutiful observation. Ikad, you don't know how tough he is. He ain't upon the move yet. It struck me that he was changed, both in his appearance and manner, said Mr. Peck sniff. That's all you know about it, returned Jonas, himself with a melancholy air. He never was better than he is now. How are they all at home? How's charity? Blooming, Mr. Jonas, blooming. And the other one, how's she? Volatile trifler, said Mr. Peck sniff, fondly musing. She is well, she is well, roving from parlor to bedroom, Mr. Jonas, like a bee, skimming from post to pillar like the butterfly, dipping her young beak into our current wine like the hummingbird. Is she a little less giddy than she is, and had she but the sterling qualities of cherry, my young friend? Is she so very giddy, then, asked Jonas? Well, well, said Mr. Peck sniff, with great feeling, let me not be hard upon my child. Beside her sister Cherry, she appears so. A strange noise that, Mr. Jonas. Something wrong in the clock, I suppose, said Jonas, glancing towards it. So the other one ain't your favorite, the fond father was about to reply, and had already summoned into his face a look of most intense sensibility, when the sound he had already noticed was repeated. Upon my word, Mr. Jonas, that is a very extraordinary clock, said Peck sniff. It would have been if it had made the noise which startled them, but another kind of timepiece was fast running down, and from that the sound proceeded. A scream from Chuffy rendered a hundred times more loud and formidable by his silent habits made the house ring from roof to cellar, and, looking round, they saw Anthony Chuzzlewood extended on the floor with the old clerk upon his knees beside him. He had fallen from his chair in a fit and lay there, battling for each gasp of breath with every shriveled vein and sinew starting in its place as if it were bent on bearing witness to his age and sternly pleading with nature for his recovery.  A young man in the fullness of his vigor, struggling with so much strength of desperation would have been a dismal sight, but an old, old shrunken body endowed with preternatural might and giving the lie in every motion of its every limb and joint to its enfeebled aspect was a hideous spectacle indeed. They raised him up and fetched a surgeon with all haste who bled the patient and applied some remedies, but the fits held him so long that it was past midnight when they got him quiet now, but quite unconscious and exhausted into bed. Don't go, said Jonas, putting his ashy lips to Mr. Pexniff's ear and whispered across the bed it was a mercy you were present when he was taken ill. What was my doing? Your doing, cried Mr. Pexniff. I don't know but they might, he replied, wiping the moisture from his white face. People say such things. How does he look now? Mr. Pexniff shook his head. I used to joke, you know, said Jonas, but I never wished him dead. Do you think he's very bad? The doctor said he was. You heard, was Mr. Pexniff's answer. Mr. Pexniff is getting well, said Jonas. You mustn't go away, Pexniff. Now it's come to this I wouldn't be without a witness for a thousand pound. Chuffy said not a word and heard not a word. He had sat himself down in a chair at the bedside and there he remained, motionless, except that he sometimes bent his head over the pillow and seemed to listen. He never changed in this, though once in the dreary night Mr. Pexniff, having dozed, awoke and he had heard him praying and strangely mingling figures not of speech but arithmetic with his broken prayers. Jonas sat there, too, all night, not where his father could have seen him, had his consciousness returned, but hiding, as it were, behind him and only reading how he looked in Mr. Pexniff's eyes. He, the coarse upstart who had ruled the house so long that Craven Kerr, who was so that his very shadow fluttered on the wall. It was broad, bright, stirring day when, leaving the old clerk to watch him, they went down to breakfast. People hurried up and down the street, windows and doors were opened, thieves and beggars took their usual posts, workmen be stirred themselves, tradesmen set forth their shops, bailiffs and constables were on the watch, all kinds of human creatures strove in their several ways as hard to live as the one sick old man who combatted for every grain of sand in his fast emptying glass as eagerly as if it were an empire. If anything happens, Pexniff, said Jonas, you must promise me to stop here till it's all over. You shall see that I do what's right. I know that you will do what's right, Mr. Jonas, said Pexniff. Yes, yes, but I won't be doubted. No one shall have it in his power to say a syllable against me, he returned. I know how people will talk just as if he wasn't old or I had the secret of keeping him alive. Mr. Pexniff promised that he would remain if circumstances should render it in his esteemed friend's opinion desirable. They were finishing their meal in silence when suddenly an apparition stood before them so ghastly to the view that Jonas shrieked aloud and both recoiled in horror. Old Anthony, dressed in his usual clothes, was in the room beside the table. He leaned upon the shoulder of his solitary friend and on his livid face and on his horny hands and in his glassy eyes and traced by an eternal finger in the very drops of sweat upon his brow was one word, death. He spoke to them in something of his own voice, too, but sharpened and made hollow like a dead man's face. What he would have said, God knows. He seemed to utter words such as man had never heard. And this was the most fearful circumstance of all, to see him standing there, gabbling in an unearthly tongue. He's better now, said Chuffy, better now let him sit in his old chair and he'll be well again. I told him not to mind, I said so yesterday. They put him in his easy chair and wheeled it near the window. Then, swinging open the door, exposed him to the free current of morning air. But not all the air that is nor all the winds that ever blew twist heaven and earth could have brought new life to him. Plunge him to the throat in golden pieces now and his heavy fingers shall not close on one. CHAPTER XIX CHAPTER XIX of Life and Adventures of Martin Cheslowit This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Life and Adventures of Martin Cheslowit by Charles Dickens. CHAPTER XIX The reader is brought into communication with some professional persons and sheds a tear over the filial piety of good Mr. Jonas. Mr. Pexniff was in a Hackney Cabriolet where Jonas Cheslowit had said that he should not have the money for his father's funeral at the expense. Mankind is evil in its thoughts and in its base constructions and Jonas was resolved that should not have an inch to stretch into an L against him. It never should be charged upon his father's son that he had grudged the money for his father's funeral. Hence, until the obsequies should be concluded, Jonas had taken for his motto and was now upon his way to another officer in the train of mourning, a female functionary, a nurse and watcher and performer of nameless offices about the persons of the dead whom he had recommended. Her name, as Mr. Pexniff gathered from a scrap of writing in his hand, was Gamp, her residence in Kingsgate Street, High Holborn. So Mr. Pexniff in a Hackney Cab was rattling over Holborn's rest of Mrs. Gamp. This lady lodged at a bird fanciers, next door but one to the celebrated mutton pie shop and directly opposite to the original cat's meat warehouse. The renown of which establishments was duly heralded on their respective fronts. It was a little house and this was the more convenient for Mrs. Gamp being in her highest walk of art, a monthly nurse, she had it, midwife, and lodging in the first floor front was easily assailable at night by pebbles, walking sticks and fragments of tobacco pipe, all much more efficacious than the street door knocker which was so constructed as to wake the street with ease and even spread alarms of fire in Holborn without making the smallest impression on the premises to which it was addressed. It chanced on this particular occasion that Mrs. Gamp had been up all the previous night in attendance upon a ceremony to which the usage of gossips has given that name which expresses in two syllables the curse pronounced on Adam. It chanced that Mrs. Gamp had not been regularly engaged but had been called in at a crisis in consequence of her great repute to assist another professional lady with her advice, and thus it happened that Mrs. Gamp had come home again to the bird fanciers and gone to bed. So when Mr. Paxniff drove up in the hackney cab, Mrs. Gamp's curtains were drawn close and Mrs. Gamp was fast asleep behind them. If the bird fancier had been at home as he ought to have been there would have been no great harm in this, but he was out and his shop was closed. The shutters were down certainly and there was at least one tiny bird in a tiny bird cage twittering and hopping his little ballet of despair and knocking his head against the roof while one unhappy goldfinch who lived outside a red villa with his name on the door drew the water for his own drinking and mutely appealed to some good man to drop a farthing's worth of poison in it. Still the door was shut. Mr. Paxniff tried the latch and shook it one side to ring most mournfully but no one came. The bird fancier was an easy shaver also and a fashionable hairdresser also and perhaps he had been sent for express from the court end of the town to trim a lord or cut and curl a lady. But however that might be there upon his own ground he was not nor was there any more distinct trace of him to assist the imagination of an inquirer than a professional print or emblem of his calling much favored in the trade representing a hairdresser of easy manners curling a lady of distinguished fashion in the presence of a patent upright grand piano forte. Noting these circumstances Mr. Paxniff in the innocence of his heart applied himself to the knocker but at the first double knock every window in the street became alive with female heads and before he could repeat the performance whole troops of married ladies some about to trouble Mrs. Gamp themselves very shortly came flocking round the steps all crying out with one accord and with uncommon interest knock at the window sir knock at the window lord bless you don't lose no more time than you can help knock at the window acting upon the suggestion and borrowing the driver's whip for the purpose Mr. Paxniff soon made a commotion among the first floor flower pots and roused Mrs. Gamp whose voice to the great satisfaction of the matrons was heard to say I'm coming he says pale as a muffin said one lady in allusion to Mr. Paxniff so he ought to be if he's the feelings of a man observed another a third lady with her arms folded said she wished she had chosen any other time for fetching Mrs. Gamp but it always happened so with her gave Mr. Paxniff much uneasiness to find from these remarks that he was supposed to have come to Mrs. Gamp upon an errand touching not the clothes of life but the other end Mrs. Gamp herself was under the same impression for throwing open the windows she cried behind the curtains as she hastily attired herself is it Mrs. Perkins no return to Mr. Paxniff sharply nothing of the sort what Mr. Wilkes cried Mrs. Gamp don't say it's you Mr. Wilkes and that poor creature Mrs. Wilkes was not even a pin cushion ready don't say it's you Mr. Wilkes it isn't Mr. Wilkes said Paxniff I don't know the man nothing of the kind a gentleman is dead in some person being wanted in the house you have been recommended by Mr. Mould the undertaker as she was by this time on all occasions looked out of the window with her morning countenance and said she would be down directly but the matrons took it very ill that Mr. Paxniff's mission was of so unimportant a kind and the lady with her arms folded rated him in good round terms signifying that she would be glad to know what he meant by terrifying delicate females with his corpses and giving it as her opinion that he was quite ugly enough to know better the other ladies were not at all behind hand in expressing similar sentiments and the children of whom some scores had now collected hooded and defied Mr. Paxniff quite savagely so when Mrs. Gamp appeared the unoffending gentleman was glad to hustle her with very little ceremony into the cabriolet and drive off overwhelmed with popular execration Mrs. Gamp had a large bundle with her a pair of patents and a species of gig umbrella in color like a faded leaf except where a circular patch of a lively blue had been dexterously let in at the top she was much flurried by the haste she had made and labored under the most erroneous views of cabriolets which she appeared to confound with male coaches or stage wagons in as much as she was constantly endeavoring for the first half mile to force her luggage through the little front window and clamoring to the driver when she was disabused of this idea her whole being resolved itself into an absorbing anxiety about her patents with which she played innumerable games at quates on Mr. Paxniff's legs it was not until they were close upon the house of mourning that she had enough composure to observe and so the gentleman's dead sir ah the more is the pity she didn't even know his name but it's what we must all come to it's a certainness being born we can't make our calculations as exact ah poor dear she was a fat old woman this Mrs. Gamp with a husky voice and a moist eye which she had a remarkable power of turning up and only showing the white of it having very little neck it cost her some trouble to look over herself if one may say so at those to whom she talked she wore a very rusty black gown rather the worse for snuff to correspond in these dilapidated articles of dress she had on principle arrayed herself time out of mind on such occasions as the present for this at once expressed a decent amount of veneration for the deceased and invited the next of kin to present her with a fresher suit of weeds an appeal so frequently successful that the very fetching ghost of Mrs. Gamp, Bonnet and all might be seen hanging up any hour in the day and at least a dozen of the second hand clothes shops about Holborn the face of Mrs. Gamp the nose in particular was somewhat red and swollen and it was difficult to enjoy her society without becoming conscious of a smell of spirits like most persons who have attained to great eminence in their profession she took to hers very kindly in so much that setting aside her natural predilections as a woman she went to a lying in her laying out with equal zest and relish ah, repeated Mrs. Gamp for it was always a safe sentiment in cases of mourning ah, dear, when Gamp was summoned to his long home and I see him a lying in Guy's hospital with a pennypiece on each eye and his wooden leg under his left arm I thought I should have fainted away but I bore up if certain whispers current in the Kingsgate Street circles had within them she had indeed borne up surprisingly and had exerted such uncommon fortitude as to dispose of Mr. Gamp's remains for the benefit of science but it should be added in fairness that this had happened twenty years before and that Mr. and Mrs. Gamp had long been separated on the ground of incompatibility of temper in their drink you have become indifferent since then I suppose said Mr. Pecksniff use his second nature Mrs. Gamp you may well say second nature sir returned that lady one's first ways is to find such things a trial to the feelings and so is one's lasting custom if it wasn't for the nerve a little sip of liquor gives me I never was able to do more than taste it I never could go through with what I sometimes has to do Mrs. Harris I says at the very last cases ever I acted in which it was but a young person Mrs. Harris I says leave the bottle on the chimney piece and don't ask me to take none but let me put my lips to it when I am so disposed and then I will do what I'm engaged to do according to the best of my ability Mrs. Gamp she says an answer if ever there was a sober to be God at 18 pence a day for working people and three and six for gentle folks night watching said Mrs. Gamp with emphasis being an extra charge you are that invaluable person Mrs. Harris I says to her don't name the charge for if I could afford to lay all my fellow creeders out for nothing I would gladly do it such as the love I bear them but what I always says to them is has the management of matters Mrs. Harris here she kept her eye on Mr. Pexniff be they gents or be they ladies is don't ask me whether I won't take none or whether I will but leave the bottle on the chimney piece and let me put my lips to it when I am so disposed the conclusion of this affecting narrative brought them to the house in the passage they encountered Mr. Mold the undertaker a little elderly gentleman bald and in a suit of black with a notebook in his hand a massive gold watch chain dangling from his fob and a face in which a queer attempt at melancholy was at odds with a smirk of satisfaction so that he looked as a man might who in the very act of smacking his lips over choice tried to make believe it was physics well Mrs. Gamp and how are you Mrs. Gamp said this gentleman in a voice as soft as his step pretty well I thank you sir dropping a curtsy you'll be very particular here Mrs. Gamp this is not a common case Mrs. Gamp let everything be very nice and comfortable Mrs. Gamp if you please said the undertaker shaking his head with a solemn air it shall be sirs curtsying again you knows me of old sir I hope I hope so too Mrs. Gamp said the undertaker and I think so also Mrs. Gamp curtsied again this is one of the most impressive cases sir he continued addressing Mr. Pexnip that I have seen in the whole course of my professional experience indeed Mr. Mold cried that gentleman such affectionate regret sir I never saw there is no limitation there is positively no limitation opening his eyes wide and standing on tiptoe in point of expense I have ordered sir to put on my whole establishment of mutes and mutes come very dear Mr. Pexnip not to mention their drink to provide silver plated handles of the very best description ornamented with angels heads from the most expensive dyes to be perfectly profuse in feathers in short sir to turn out something absolutely gorgeous my friend Mr. Jonas is an excellent man said Mr. Pexnip I have seen a good deal of what is filial in my time sir retorted Mold and what is un-filial too it is our lot we come into the knowledge of those secrets but anything so filial as this anything so honorable the human nature so calculated to reconcile all of us to the world we live in never yet came under my observation it only proves sir what was so possibly observed by the lamented theatrical poet buried at Stratford that there is good in everything it is very pleasant to hear you say so Mr. Mold observed Pexnip you are very kind sir and what a man Mr. Chuzzlewit was sir ah what a man he was you may talk of your lord mayors said Mold waving his hand at the public in general your sheriffs your common councilman your trumpery but show me a man who is worthy to walk in the shoes of the departed Mr. Chuzzlewit no no cried Mold with bitter sarcasm hang him up hang him up, soul him and heal him and have him ready for his son against he's old enough to wear him but don't try him on yourselves for they won't fit you we knew him said Mold in the same biting vein as he pocketed his notebook we knew him and are not to be caught with chaff Mr. Pexnip sir good morning Mr. Pexnip returned to the compliment and Mold sensible of having distinguished himself was going away with a brisk smile when he fortunately remembered the occasion quickly becoming depressed again he sighed looked into the crown of his hat as if for comfort put it on without finding any and slowly departed Mrs. Gamp and Mr. Pexnip then ascended the staircase and the former having been shown to the chamber in which all that remained Chuzzle Whitley covered up with but one loving heart and that a halting one to mourn it left the latter free to enter the darkened room below and rejoin Mr. Jonas from whom he had now been absent nearly two hours he found that example to bereaved sons and patterned in the eyes of all performers of funerals musing over a fragment of writing paper on the desk and scratching figures on it with a pen old man's chair and hat and walking stick were removed from their accustomed places and put out of sight the window blinds as yellow as November fogs were drawn down close Jonas himself was so subdued that he could scarcely be heard to speak and only seen to walk across the room Pexnip he said in a whisper you shall have the regulation of it all mind you shall be able to tell anybody who talks about it that everything was correctly and nicely done there isn't anyone you'd like to ask to the funeral is there no Mr. Jonas I think not because if there is you know said Jonas ask him we don't want to make a secret of it no repeated Mr. Pexnip after a little reflection I am not the less obliged to you on that account Mr. Jonas for your liberal hospitality but there really is no one very well said Jonas the new and I and Chuffy coachful will have the doctor Pexnip because he knows what was the matter with him and that it couldn't be helped where's our dear friend Mr. Chuffy asked Pexnip looking around the chamber and winking both his eyes at once for he was overcome by his feelings but here he was interrupted by Mrs. Gamp who divested of her bonnet and shawl came sidling and bridling into the room and with some sharpness demanded a conference outside the door with Mr. Pexnip you may say whatever you wish to say here Mrs. Gamp said that gentleman shaking his head with a melancholy expression it is not much as I have to say when people is a mourning for the dead and gone said Mrs. Gamp but what I have to say is to the point and purpose and no offense intended must be so considered I have been at a many places in my time gentlemen and I hope I know what my duties is and how the same should be performed in course if I did not it would be very strange and very wrong in such a gentleman as Mr. Mold which has undertook the highest families in this land and given every satisfaction so to recommend to me as he does I have seen a deal of trouble my own self said Mrs. Gamp laying greater and greater stress upon her words and I can feel for them as has their feelings tried but I am not a russian or a prussian and consequently cannot suffer spies to be said over me before it was possible that an answer could be returned Mrs. Gamp growing redder in the face went on to say it is not an easy matter gentlemen to live when you are left a widow woman particular when your feelings works upon you to that extent that you often find yourself going out on terms which is a certain loss and never can repay but in whatever way you earns your bread you may have rules and regulations of your own which cannot be broke through Mr. Mold said Mrs. Gamp again entrenching herself behind her strong point as if it were not assailable by human ingenuity maybe russians and others maybe prussians they are born so and will please themselves them which is of other natures thinks different if I understand this good lady said Mr. Pexnip turning to Jonas Mr. Chuffy is troublesome to her shall I fetch him down do said Jonas I was going to tell you he was up there when she came in I'd go myself and bring him down only only I'd rather you went if you don't mind Mr. Pexnip promptly departed followed by Mrs. Gamp who seeing that he took a bottle and glass from the cupboard and carried it in his hand was much softened I am sure she said that if it wasn't for his own happiness I should no more mind him being there poor dear than if he was a fly Thomas isn't used to these things think so much of him afterwards that it's a kindness to him not to let him have their wish and even said Mrs. Gamp probably in reference to some flowers of speech she had already strewn on Mr. Chuffy even if one calls him names it's only done to rouse him whatever epithets she had bestowed on the old clerk they had not roused him he sat beside the bed in the chair he had occupied the previous night with his hands folded before him and his head bowed down and neither looked up on their entrance nor gave any sign of consciousness until Mr. Pexnip took him by the arm when he meekly rose three score and ten said Chuffy ought and carry seven some men are so strong that they lived to four score four times ought an ought oh why why why didn't he live to four times ought an ought and four times twos and eight eighty ah what a whale of grief cried Mrs. Gamp possessing herself of the bottle and glass why did he die before his poor old crazy servant said Chuffy clasping his hands and looking up an anguish take him from me and what remains Mr. Jonas returned Pexnip Mr. Jonas my good friend I loved him cried the old man weeping he was good to me we learned care and trep together at school I took him down once six boys in the arithmetic class God forgive me had the heart to take him down come Mr. Chuffy said Pexnip come with me summon up your fortitude Mr. Chuffy yes I will return to the old clerk yes I'll sum up my forty how many times forty oh Chuzzle Witton son your own son Mr. Chuzzle Witt your own son sir he yielded to the hand that guided him as he lapsed into this familiar expression and submitted to be led away Mrs. Gamp with the bottle on one knee and the glass on the other sat upon a stool shaking her head for a long time until in a moment of abstraction she poured out a dram of spirits and raised it to her lips it was succeeded by a second and by a third and then her eyes either in the sadness of her reflections upon life and death or in her admiration of the liquor were so turned up as to be quite invisible but she shook her head still poor Chuffy was conducted to his accustomed corner and there he remained silent and quiet save it long intervals when he would rise and walk about the room and wring his hands or raise some strange and sudden cry for a whole week they all three sat about the hearth and never stirred abroad Mr. Pexnip would have walked out in the evening time but Mr. Jonas was so averse to his being absent for a minute that he abandoned the idea and so from morning until night they brooded together in the dark room without relief or occupation the weight of that which was stretched out stiff and stark in the awful chamber above stairs so crushed and bore down Jonas that he bent beneath the load during the whole long seven days and nights he was always oppressed and haunted by a dreadful sense of its presence in the house did the door move he looked towards it with a livid face and starting eye as if he fully believed that ghostly fingers clutched the handle did the fire flicker in a draft of air he glanced over his shoulder as almost dreading to behold some shrouded figure fanning and flapping at it with its fearful dress the lightest noise disturbed him and once in the night at the sound of a footstep overhead he cried out that the dead man was walking tramp, tramp, tramp about his coffin he lay at night upon a mattress on the floor of the sitting room his own chamber having been assigned to Mrs. Gamp and Mr. Pexnip was similarly accommodated the howling of a dog before the house filled him with a terror he could not disguise he avoided the reflection in the opposite windows of the light that burned above as though it had been an angry eye he often and every night rose up from his fitful sleep and looked and longed for dawn all directions and arrangements even to the ordering of their daily meals he abandoned to Mr. Pexnip that excellent gentleman deeming that the mourner wanted comfort and that high feeding was likely to do him infinite service availed himself of these opportunities to such good purpose that they kept quite a dainty table during this melancholy season with sweetbread, stewed kidneys oysters and other such light vians for supper every night over which and sundry jorams of hot punch Mr. Pexnip delivered such moral reflections and spiritual consolation as might have converted a heathen especially if he had had but an imperfect acquaintance to the English tongue nor did Mr. Pexnip alone indulge in the creature comforts during this sad time Mrs. Gantt proved to be very choice in her eating and repudiated hashed mutton with scorn in her drinking too she was very punctual in particular requiring a pint of mild porter at lunch a pint at dinner half a pint as a species of stay or hold fast between dinner and tea and a pint of the celebrated staggering ale or real old brightened tipper at supper besides the bottle on the chimney piece and such casual invitations to refresh herself with wine as the good breeding of her employers might prompt them to offer in like manner Mr. Mould's men found it necessary to drown their grief like a young kitten in the morning of its existence for which reason they generally fuddled themselves before they began to do anything lest it should make head and get the better of them in short the whole of that strange week was a round of dismal joviality and grim enjoyment and everyone except poor chuffy who came within the shadow of Anthony Chuzzlewood's grave feasted like a ghoul at length the day of the funeral pious and truthful ceremony that it was arrived Mr. Mould with a glass of generous port between his eye and the light leaned against the desk in the little glass office with his gold watch in his unoccupied hand and conversed with Mrs. Gamp two mutes were at the house door looking as mournful as could be reasonably expected of men with such a thriving job in hand the whole of Mr. Mould's establishment were on duty within the house or without feathers waved, horses snorted silk and velvet fluttered in a word as Mr. Mould emphatically said everything that money could do was done and what can do more Mrs. Gamp exclaimed the undertaker as he emptied his glass and smacked his lips nothing in the world sir nothing in the world repeated Mr. Mould you are right Mrs. Gamp why do people spend more money here he filled his glass again upon a death Mrs. Gamp then upon a birth calm that's in your way you ought to know how do you account for that now perhaps it is because an undertaker's charges comes dearer than a nurse's charges sir said Mrs. Gamp tittering and smoothing down her new black dress with her hands ha ha left Mr. Mould you have been breakfasting at somebody's expense this morning Mrs. Gamp but seeing by the aid of a little shaving glass which hung opposite that he looked merry he composed his features and became sorrowful many's the time that I've not breakfasted at my own expense along with your recommending sir and many's the time I hope to do the same in time to come said Mrs. Gamp with an apologetic curtsy so be it replied Mr. Mould please providence no Mrs. Gamp I'll tell you why it is it's because the laying out of money with a well conducted establishment where the thing is performed upon the very best scale binds the broken heart and sheds bomb upon the wounded spirit hearts want binding and spirits want bombing when people die not when people are born look at this gentleman today look at him an open-handed gentleman cried Mrs. Gamp with enthusiasm no no said the undertaker not an open-handed gentleman in general by any means there you mistake him but an afflicted gentleman an affectionate gentleman who knows what it is and the power of money to do in giving him relief and in testifying his love for the wounded it can give him said Mr. Mould waving his watch chain slowly round and round so that he described one circle after every item it can give him four horses to each vehicle it can give him velvet trappings it can give him drivers and cloth cloaks and top boots it can give him the plumage of the ostrich died black it can give him any number of walking attendants in a floral fashion and carrying batons chipped with brass it can give him a handsome tomb it can give him a place in Westminster Abbey itself if he choose to invest it in such a purchase oh do not let us say that gold is dross when it can buy such things as these Mrs. Gamp but what a blessing sir said Mrs. Gamp that there are such as you to sell or let him out on hire I Mrs. Gamp you are right we joined the undertaker we should be an honored calling we do good by stealth and blush to have it mentioned in our little bills how much consolation may I even I cried Mr. Mould have diffused among my fellow creatures by means of my four long-tailed prancers never harnessed under ten pound ten Mrs. Gamp had begun to make a suitable reply when she was interrupted by the appearance of one of Mr. Mould's assistants his chief mourner in fact this person with his waistcoat in closer connection with his legs than is quite reconcilable with the established ideas of grace with that cast the feature which is figuratively called a bottle nose and with a face covered all over with pimples he had been a tender plant once upon a time but from constant blowing in the fat atmosphere of funerals had run to seed well Tacker said Mr. Mould is all ready below to join Tacker the horses are prouder and fresher than ever I see them and toss their heads they do as if they know how much their plumes cost one, two, three, four said Mr. Tacker keeping that number of black cloaks upon his left arm is Tom there with the cake and wine asked Mr. Mould ready to come in at a moment's notice said Tacker then rejoined Mr. Mould and he might be sure his face had the right expression on it then I think we may proceed to business give me the paper of gloves Tacker ah what a man he was ah Tacker Tacker what a man he was Mr. Tacker who from his great experience in the performance of funerals would have made an excellent pantomime actor winked at Mrs. Gamp without at all disturbing the gravity of his countenance and followed his master into the next room it was a great point with Mr. Mould and a part of his professional tact not to seem to know the doctor though in reality they were near neighbors and very often as in the present instance worked together so he advanced to fit on his black kid gloves as if he had never seen him in all his life while the doctor on his part looked as distant and unconscious as if he had heard and read of undertakers and had passed their shops but had never before been brought into communication with one gloves a said the doctor Mr. Pexniff after you I couldn't think of it return Mr. Pexniff you were very good said the doctor taking a pair well sir as I was saying I was called up to attend that case at about half past one o'clock cake and wine a which is port thank you Mr. Pexniff took some also at about half past one o'clock in the morning sir resumed the doctor I was called up to attend that case at the first pull of the night bell I turned out threw up the window and put out my head cloak a don't tie it too tight that'll do Mr. Pexniff having been likewise inducted into a similar garment the doctor resumed and put out my head hat a a good friend that is not mine Mr. Pexniff I beg your pardon but I think we have unintentionally made an exchange thank you well sir I was going to tell you we are quite ready interrupted mold in a low voice ready a said the doctor very good Mr. Pexniff I'll take an opportunity of relating the rest in the coach it's rather curious ready a no rain I hope quite fair sir returned mold I was afraid the ground would have been wet said the doctor for my glass fell yesterday we may congratulate ourselves upon our good fortune but seeing by this time that Mr. Jonas and Chuffy were going out at the door he put a white pocket handkerchief to his face as if a violent burst of grief had suddenly come upon him and walked down side by side with Mr. Pexniff Mr. Mould and his men had not exaggerated the grandeur of the arrangements they were splendid the four horse horses especially reared and pranced and showed their highest action as if they knew a man dead and triumphed in it they break us drive us ride us ill treat abuse and name us for their pleasure but they die hurrah they die so through the narrow streets and winding city ways went Anthony Chuzzlewood's funeral Mr. Jonas glancing stealthily out of the coach window now and then to observe its effect upon the crowd Mr. Mould as he walked along listening with a sober pride to the exclamations of the bystanders the doctor whispering his story to Mr. Pexniff without appearing to come any nearer the end of it and poor old chuffy sobbing unregarded in a corner but he had greatly scandalized Mr. Mould at an early stage of the ceremony by carrying his handkerchief in his hat in a perfectly informal manner and wiping his eyes with his knuckles and as Mr. Mould himself had said already his behavior was indecent and quite unworthy of such an occasion that he never ought to have been there there he was however and in the churchyard there he was also conducting himself in a no less unbecoming manner and leaning for support on Tacker who plainly told him that he was fit for nothing better than a walking funeral but chuffy heaven help him heard no sound but the echoes lingering in his own heart of a voice forever silent I loved him cried the old man sinking down upon the grave he was done he was very good to me oh my dear old friend and master come come Mr. Chuffy said the doctor this won't do it's a clayey soil Mr. Chuffy you mustn't really if it had been the commonest thing we do and Mr. Chuffy had been a bearer gentlemen said Mould casting an imploring glance upon them as he helped to raise him he couldn't have gone on worse than this be a man Mr. Chuffy be a gentleman Mr. Chuffy said Mould upon my word my good friend murmured the doctor in a tone of stately reproof as he stepped up to the old man's side this is worse than weakness this is bad selfish very wrong Mr. Chuffy you should take an example from others my good sir you forget that you were not connected by ties of blood with our deceased friend and that he had a very near and very dear relation Mr. Chuffy I his own son cried the old man clasping his hands with remarkable passion his own own only son he's not right in his head you know said Jonas turning pale you're not to mind anything he says I shouldn't wonder if he was to talk some precious nonsense but don't you mind him any of you I don't my father left him to my charge and whatever he says or does that's enough I'll take care of him a home of admiration rose from the mourners including Mr. Mould and his merry men at this new instance of magnanimity and kind feeling on the part of Jonas but Chuffy put it to the test no farther he said not a word more and being left to himself for a little while crept back again to the coach it has been said that Mr. Jonas turned pale when the behavior of the old clerk attracted general attention his discomposure however was but momentary and he soon recovered but these were not the only changes he had exhibited that day the curious eyes of Mr. Pexniff had observed that as soon as they left the house upon their mournful errand he began to mend that as the ceremonies proceeded he gradually by little and little recovered his old condition his old looks, his old bearing his old agreeable characteristics of speech and manner and became in all respect his old pleasant self and now that they were seated in the coach on their return home and more when they got there and found the windows open the light and air admitted and all traces of the late event removed he felt so well convinced that Jonas was again the Jonas he had known a week ago and not the Jonas of the intervening time that he voluntarily gave up his recently acquired power without one faint attempt to exercise it and it once fell back into a position of mild and deferential guest Mrs. Gamp went home to the bird fanciers and was knocked up again that very night for a birth of twins Mr. Mould dined gaily in the bosom of his family and passed the evening facetiously at his club the hearse, after standing for a long time at the door of a roistering public house repaired to its stables with the feathers inside and twelve red-nosed undertakers on the roof each holding on a dingy peg to which in times of state a waving plume was fitted the various trappings of sorrow were carefully laid by and presses for the next hirer the fiery steeds were quenched and quiet in their stalls the doctor got merry with wine at a wedding dinner and forgot the middle of the story which had no end to it the pageant of a few short hours ago was written nowhere half so legibly not in the churchyard not even there the gates were closed, the night was dark and wet the rain fell silently among the stagnant weeds and nettles one new mound was there which had not been there last night time burrowing like a mole below the ground had marked his track by throwing up another heap of earth and that was all End of Chapter 19 Chapter 20 of Life and Adventures of Martin Cheslowit This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Life and Adventures of Martin Cheslowit by Charles Dickens Chapter 20 is a chapter of love Peksniff said Jonas taking off his hat to see that the black crepe band was all right and finding that it was putting it on again complacently What do you mean to give your daughters when they marry? My dear Mr. Jonas cried the affectionate parent with an ingenuous smile what a very singular inquiry Now don't you mind whether it's a singular inquiry or a plural one, retorted Jonas eyeing Mr. Peksniff with no great favor but answer it or let it alone one or the other Hum, the question my dear friend said Mr. Peksniff laying his hand tenderly upon his kinsman's knee is involved with many considerations What would I give them, eh? Ah, what would you give them? repeated Jonas Why that, said Mr. Peksniff would naturally depend in a great measure upon the kind of husbands they might choose, my dear young friend Mr. Jonas was evidently disconcerted and at a loss how to proceed It was a good answer it seemed a deep one but such is the wisdom of simplicity My standard for the merits I would require in a son-in-law, said Mr. Peksniff after a short silence is a high one forgive me, my dear Mr. Jonas he added, greatly moved if I say that you have spoiled me and made it a fanciful one an imaginative one a prismatically tinged one if I may be permitted to call it so What do you mean by that? growled Jonas looking at him with increased disfavor Indeed, my dear friend said Mr. Peksniff, you may well inquire the heart is not always a royal mint with patent machinery to work its metal into current coin sometimes it throws it out in strange forms not easily recognized as coin at all but it is sterling gold it has at least that merit it is sterling gold grumbled Jonas with a doubtful shake of the head I, said Mr. Peksniff warming with his subject it is to be plain with you Mr. Jonas if I could find two such sons-in-law as you will one day make to some deserving man capable of appreciating a nature such as yours I would, forgetful of myself bestow upon my daughters portions reaching to the very utmost limit of my means this was strong language and it was earnestly delivered but who can wonder that such a man as Mr. Peksniff after all he had seen and heard of Mr. Jonas should be strong and earnest upon such a theme a theme that touched even the worldly lips of undertakers with the honey of eloquence Mr. Jonas was silent and looked thoughtfully at the landscape for they were seated on the outside of the coach at the back and were traveling down into the country he accompanied Mr. Peksniff home for a few days change of air and scene after his recent trials well he said at last with captivating bluntness suppose you got one such son-in-law as me what then Mr. Peksniff regarded him at first with inexpressible surprise then gradually breaking into a sort of dejected vivacity said then well I know whose husband he would be whose asked Jonas dryly my eldest girls Mr. Jonas replied Peksniff with moistening eyes my dear cherries my staff my script my treasure Mr. Jonas a hard struggle but it is in the nature of things I must one day part with her to a husband I know it my dear friend I am prepared for it hey god you've been prepared for that a pretty long time I should think said Jonas many have sought to bear her from me Peksniff all have failed I never will give my hand papa those were her words unless my heart is one she has not been quite so happy as she used to be of late I don't know why again Mr. Jonas looked at the landscape then at the coachman then at the luggage on the roof finally at Mr. Peksniff I suppose you'll have to part with the other one some of these days he observed as he caught that gentleman's eye probably said the parent years will tame down the wildness of my foolish bird and then it will be caged but cherry Mr. Jonas cherry oh ah interrupted Jonas years have made her all right enough nobody doubts that but you haven't answered what I asked you of course you're not obliged to do it you know if you don't like you're the best judge there was a warning sulkiness in the manner of this speech which admonished Mr. Peksniff his dear friend was not to be trifled with or fenced off and that he must either return a straightforward reply to his question or plainly give him to understand that he declined to enlighten him upon the subject to which it referred mindful in this dilemma of the caution old Anthony had given him almost with his latest breath he resolved to speak to the point and so told Mr. Jonas enlarging upon the communication as a proof of his great attachment to confidence that in the case he had put to wit in the event of such a man as he proposing for his daughter's hand he would endow her with a fortune of four thousand pounds I should sadly pinch and cramp myself to do so was his fatherly remark but that would be my duty and my conscience would reward me for myself my conscience is my bank I have a trifle invested there a mere trifle Mr. Jonas as a store of value I assure you the good man's enemies would have divided upon this question into two parties one would have asserted without scruple that if Mr. Pexnip's conscience were his bank and he kept a running account there he must have overdrawn it beyond all mortal means of computation the other would have contended that it was a mere fictitious form a perfectly blank book or one in which entries were only made with a peculiar kind of invisible ink to become legible at some indefinite time and that he never troubled it at all it would sadly pinch and cramp me my dear friend repeated Mr. Pexnip but Providence perhaps I may be permitted to say a special Providence has blessed my endeavors and I could guarantee to make the sacrifice the question of philosophy arises here whether Mr. Pexnip had or had not good reason to say that he was specially patronized and encouraged in his undertakings all his life long he had been walking up and down the narrow ways and by-places with a hook in one hand and a crook in the other scraping all sorts of valuable odds and ends into his pouch now there being a special Providence in the fall of a sparrow it follows so Mr. Pexnip and only such admirable men would have reasoned a special Providence in the alighting of the stone or stick or other substance which is aimed at the sparrow and Mr. Pexnip's hook or crook having invariably knocked the sparrow on the head and brought him down that gentleman may have been led to consider himself as specially licensed to bag sparrows and as being specially seized and possessed of all the birds he had got together that many undertakings national as well as individual but especially the former are held to be specially brought to a glorious and successful issue which never could be so regarded on any other process of reasoning must be clear to all men therefore the precedence would seem to show that Mr. Pexnip had as things go good argument for what he said and might be permitted to say it and did not say it presumptuously vainly or arrogantly but in a spirit of high faith and wisdom Mr. Jonas not being much accustomed to perplex his mind with theories of this nature expressed no opinion on the subject nor did he receive his companion's announcement with one solitary syllable good, bad or indifferent he preserved this task eternity for a quarter of an hour at least and during the whole of that time appeared to be steadily engaged in subjecting some given amount to the operation of every known role in figures adding to it, taking from it multiplying it, reducing it by long and short division working it by the rule of three direct and inverse exchange or barter, practice simple interest, compound interest and other means of arithmetical calculation the result of these labors appeared to be satisfactory for when he did break silence it was as one who had arrived and freed himself from a state of distressing uncertainty come old Pexnip such was his Jocos address as he slapped that gentleman on the back at the end of the stage let's have something with all my heart said Mr. Pexnip let's treat the driver cried Jonas if you think it won't hurt the man or render him discontented with his station certainly faltered Mr. Pexnip Jonas only laughed at this and getting down from the coach top with great alacrity cut a cumbersome kind of caper in the road after which he went into the public house and there ordered spiritualist drink to such an extent that Mr. Pexnip had some doubts of his perfect sanity until Jonas set them quite at rest by saying when the coach could wait no longer I have been standing treat for a whole weekend more and letting you have all the delicacies of the season you shall pay for this Pexnip it was not a joke either as Mr. Pexnip at first supposed for he went off to the coach without further ceremony and left his respected victim to settle the bill but Mr. Pexnip was a man of meek endurance and Mr. Jonas was his friend moreover his regard for that gentleman was founded as we know on pure esteem and the knowledge of the excellence character he came out from the tavern with a smiling face and even went so far as to repeat the performance on a less expensive scale at the next ale house there was a certain wildness in the spirits of Mr. Jonas not usually a part of his character which was far from being subdued by these means and for the rest of the journey he was so very buoyant yet maybe said boisterous that Mr. Pexnip had some difficulty in his pace with him they were not expected oh dear no Mr. Pexnip had proposed in London to give the girls a surprise and had said he wouldn't write a word to prepare them on any account in order that he and Mr. Jonas might take them unawares and just see what they were doing when they thought their dear papa was miles and miles away as a consequence of this playful device there was nobody to meet them at the finger post and Mr. Pexnip had only a carpet bag while Mr. Jonas had only a portmanteau they took the portmanteau between them put the bag upon it and walked off up the lane without delay Mr. Pexnip already going on tiptoe as if without this precaution his fallen children being then at a distance of a couple of miles or so would have some filial sense of his approach it was a lovely evening in the springtime of the year and in the soft stillness of the twilight all nature was very calm and beautiful the day had been fine and warm but at the coming on of night the air grew cool and in the mellowing distance smoke was rising gently from the cottage chimneys there were a thousand pleasant scents diffused around from young leaves and fresh buds the cuckoo had been singing all day long and was but just now hushed the smell of earth newly upturned with hope to the first laborer after his garden withered was fragrant in the evening breeze it was a time when most men cherished good resolves and sorrow for the wasted past when most men looking on the shadows as they gather think of that evening which must close on all and that tomorrow which has none beyond precious dull said Mr. Jonas looking about it's enough to make a man go melancholy mad we shall have lights in the fire soon observed Mr. Pexnip we shall need him by the time we get there said Jonas why the devil don't you talk what are you thinking of to tell you the truth Mr. Jonas said Pexnip with great solemnity my mind was running at that moment and our late dear friend your departed father Mr. Jonas immediately let his burden fall and said threatening him with his hand drop that Pexnip Mr. Pexnip not exactly knowing whether illusion was made to the subject or the portmanteau stared at his friend and unaffected surprise drop it I say cried Jonas fiercely do you hear drop it now and forever you had better I give you notice it was quite a mistake urged Mr. Pexnip very much dismayed though I admit it was foolish I might have known it was a tender string don't talk to me about tender strings said Jonas wiping his forehead with the cuff of his coat I'm not going to be crowed over by you because I don't like dead company Mr. Pexnip had got out the words crowed over Mr. Jonas when that young man with a dark expression in his countenance cut him short once more mind he said I won't have it I advise you not to revive the subject neither to me nor anybody else you can take a hint if you choose as well as another man said about it come along taking up his part of the load again when he had said these words he heard on so fast that Mr. Pexnip at the other end of the portment tow found himself dragged forward in a very inconvenient and ungraceful manner to the great detriment of what is called by fancy gentlemen the bark upon his shins which were most unmercifully bumped against the hard leather and the iron buckles in the course of a few minutes however Mr. Jonas relaxed his speed and suffered his companion to come up with him and to bring the portment tow into a tolerably straight position it was pretty clear that he regretted his late outbreak and that he mistrusted its effect on Mr. Pexnip for as often as that gentleman glanced towards Mr. Jonas he found Mr. Jonas glancing at him which was a new source of embarrassment it was but a short lived one though for Mr. Jonas soon began to whistle whereupon Mr. Pexnip taking his cue from his friend began to hum a tune melodiously pretty nearly there ain't we said Jonas when this had lasted some time close my dear friend said Mr. Pexnip what'll they be doing do you suppose asked Jonas impossible to say cried Mr. Pexnip giddy truance they may be away from home perhaps I was going to I was going to propose said Mr. Pexnip that we should enter by the back way and come upon them like a clap of thunder Mr. Jonas it might not have been easy to decide in respect of which of their manifold properties Jonas Mr. Pexnip the carpet bag and the portment tow could be likened to a clap of thunder but Mr. Jonas giving his assent to this proposal they stole round into the backyard and softly advanced towards the kitchen window through which the mingled light of fire and candle shone upon the darkening night truly Mr. Pexnip is blessed in his children in one of them at any rate the prudent cherry staff and script and treasure of her doting father there she sits at a little table white as driven snow before the kitchen fire making up accounts see the neat maiden as with pen in hand and a bunch of keys within a little basket at her side she checks the housekeeping expenditure from flat iron dish cover and warming pan from pot and kettle face of brass footman and black-lettered stove bright glances of approbation wink and glow upon her the very onions dangling from the beam mantle and shine like cherub's cheeks something of the influence of those vegetables sinks into Mr. Pexnip's it is but for a moment and he hides it from the observation of his friend very carefully by a somewhat elaborate use of his pocket handkerchief in fact for he would not have his weakness known pleasant he murmured pleasant to a father's feelings my dear girl shall we let her know we are here Mr. Jonas why I suppose you don't mean to spend the evening in the stable or the coach house he returned there's not such hospitality as I would show to you my friend cried Mr. Pexnip pressing his hand and then he took a long breath and tapping at the window shouted with stentorian blandness bow cherry dropped her pen and screamed but innocence is ever bold or should be as they opened the door the valiant girl exclaimed in a firm voice and with a presence of mind which even in that trying moment how are you what do you want speak or I will call my pa Mr. Pexnip held out his arms she knew him instantly and rushed into his fond embrace it was thoughtless of us Mr. Jonas it was very thoughtless said Pexnip smoothing his daughter's hair my darling do you see that I am not alone not she she had seen nothing but her father until now she saw Mr. Jonas now though and blushed and hung her head down welcome but where was Mary Mr. Pexnip didn't ask the question in reproach but in a vein of mildness touched with a gentle sorrow she was upstairs reading on the parlor couch ah domestic details had no charms for her but call her down said Mr. Pexnip with a placid resignation call her down my love she was called and came all flushed and tumbled from reposing on the sofa no worse for that no not at all rather the better if anything oh my goodness me cried the arch girl turning to her cousin when she had kissed her father on both cheeks and in her frolicsome nature had bestowed a supernumerous salute upon the tip of his nose you here fright well I'm very thankful that you won't trouble me much what you're as lively as ever are you said Jonas oh you're a wicked one go along retorted Mary pushing him away I'm sure I don't know what I shall ever do if I have to see much of you go along for gracious sake Mr. Pexnip striking in here with a request that Mr. Jonas would immediately walk upstairs he so far complied with the young lady's adoration as to go at once but though he had the fair cherry on his arm he could not help looking back at her sister and exchanging some further dialogue of the same bantering description as they all four ascended to the parlor where, for the young ladies happened by good fortune to be a little later than usual that night the tea board was at that moment being set out Mr. Pinch was not at home so they had it all to themselves and were very snug and talkative Jonas sitting between the two sisters and displaying his gallantry in that engaging manner which was peculiar to him it was a hard thing Mr. Pexnip said when tea was done and cleared away to leave so pleasant a little party but having some important papers to examine in his own apartment he must beg them to excuse him for half an hour with this apology he withdrew singing a careless strain as he went he had not been gone five minutes when Mary who had been sitting in the window apart from Jonas and her sister burst into a half smothered laugh and skipped towards the door hello! cried Jonas, don't go oh I dare say rejoined Mary looking back you're very anxious I should stay right ain't you yes I am said Jonas upon my word I am I want to speak to you but as she left the room notwithstanding he ran out after her and brought her back after a short struggle in the passage which scandalized Miss Cherry very much upon my word Mary young lady I wonder at you there are bounds even to absurdity my dear thank you my sweet said Mary perching up her rosy lips much obliged to it for its advice oh do leave me alone you monster do this entreaty was wrong from her by a new proceeding on the part of Mr. Jonas who pulled her down all breathless as she was into a seat beside him on the sofa having at the same time Miss Cherry upon the other side now said Jonas clasping the waste of each I have got both arms full haven't I one of them will be black and blue tomorrow if you don't let me go cried the playful Mary I don't mind your pinching written Jonas a bit pinch him for me Cherry pray said Mercy I never did hate anybody so much as I hate this creature I declare no no don't say that don't pinch either say cousin charity well what she answered sharply I want to have some sober talk said Jonas I want to prevent any mistakes you know and to put everything upon a pleasant understanding that's desirable and proper ain't it neither of the sisters spoke a word Mr. Jonas paused and cleared his throat which was very dry she'll not believe what I am going to say will she cousin said Jonas timidly squeezing Miss Charity really Mr. Jonas I don't know until I hear what it is it's quite impossible while you see said Jonas her way always being to make game of people I know she'll laugh or pretend to I know that beforehand but you can tell her I'm an earnest cousin can't you you'll confess you know won't you you'll be honorable I'm sure he added persuasively no answer his throat seemed to grow hotter and hotter and to be more and more self-control you see cousin Charity said Jonas nobody but you can tell her what pains I took to get into her company when you were both at the boarding house in the city because nobody's so well aware of it you know nobody else can tell her how hard I tried to get to know you better in order that I might get to know her without seeming to wish it can they I always asked you about her and said where had she gone and when would she come and how lively she was and all that didn't I cousin I know you'll tell her so if you haven't told her so already and and I dare say you have because I'm sure you're honorable ain't you still not a word the right arm of Mr. Jonas the elder sister said upon his right may have been sensible of some tumultuous throbbing which was not within itself but nothing else surprised him that his words had had the least effect even if you kept it to yourself and haven't told her resume Jonas it don't much matter because you'll bear honest witness now won't you we've been very good friends from the first haven't we and of course we shall be quite friends in future and so I don't mind speaking before you a bit cousin mercy you've heard what I've been saying she'll confirm it every word she must will you have me for your husband a as he released his hold of charity to put this question with better effect she started up and hurried away to her own room making her progress as she went by such a train of passionate and incoherent sound as nothing but a slighted woman in her anger could produce let me go away let me go after her said Mary pushing him off and giving him to tell the truth more than one sounding slap upon his outstretched face not till you say yes you haven't told me will you have me for your husband no I won't I can't bear the sight of you I have told you so you are a fright besides I always thought you liked my sister best we all thought so that wasn't my fault said Jonas yes it was you know it was any trick is fair and love said Jonas she may have thought I liked her best but you didn't I did no you didn't you never could have thought I liked her best when you were by there's no accounting for taste said Mary at least I didn't mean to say that I don't know what I mean let me go to her say yes and then I will if I ever brought myself to say so it should only be that I might hate and tease you all my life that's as good cried Jonas as saying it right out it's a bargain cousin we're a pair if ever there was one this gallant speech was succeeded by a confused noise of kissing and slapping and then the fair but much disheveled Mary broke away and followed in the footsteps of her sister now whether Mr. Pexniff had been listening which in one of his character appears impossible or divined almost by inspiration what the matter was which in a man of his sagacity is far more probable or happened by sheer good fortune to find himself in exactly the right place at precisely the right time which under the special guardianship in which he lived might very reasonably happen it is quite certain that at the moment when the sisters came together in their own room he appeared in the chamber door and the marvelous contrast it was they so heated noisy and vehement he so calm so self-possessed so cool and full of peace that not a hair upon his head was stirred children said Mr. Pexniff spreading out his hands in wonder but not before he had shut the door and set his back against it girls daughters what is this the wretch the apostate the false mean odious villain before my very face proposed to mercy was his eldest daughters answer who has proposed to mercy asked Mr. Pexniff he has that thing Jonas downstairs Jonas proposed to mercy said Mr. Pexniff I I indeed have you nothing else to say criteria am I to be driven mad papa is proposed to mercy not to me oh five for shame said Mr. Pexniff gravely oh for shame can the triumph of a sister move you to this terrible display my child oh really this is very sad I am sorry I am surprised and hurt to see you so mercy my girl bless you see to her ah envy envy what a passion you are uttering this apostrophe in a tone full of grief and lamentation Mr. Pexniff left the room taking care to shut the door behind him and walked downstairs into the parlor there he found his intended son-in-law whom he seized by both hands Jonas cried Mr. Pexniff Jonas the dearest wish of my heart is now fulfilled very well I'm glad to hear it said Jonas that'll do I say as it ain't the one you're so fond of you must come down with another thousand Pexniff you must make it up five it's worth that to keep your treasure to yourself you know you get off very cheap that way and the sacrifice to make the grin with which he accompanied this set off his other attractions to such unspeakable advantage that even Mr. Pexniff lost his presence of mind for a moment and looked at the young man as if he were quite stupefied with wonder and admiration but he quickly regained his composure and was in the very act of changing the subject when a hasty step was heard without and Tom Pinch in a state of great excitement unseeing a stranger there apparently engaged with Mr. Pexniff in private conversation Tom was very much abashed though he still looked as if he had something of great importance to communicate which would be a sufficient apology for his intrusion Mr. Pinch said Pexniff this is hardly decent you will excuse my saying that I think your conduct is scarcely decent Mr. Pinch I beg your pardon sir replied Tom for not knocking at the door I rather beg this gentleman's pardon Mr. Pinch said Pexniff I know you he does not my young man Mr. Jonas the son-in-law that was to be gave him a slight nod not actively disdainful or contemptuous only passively for he was in a good humor could I speak a word with you sir if you please said Tom it's rather pressing it should be very pressing to justify this strange behavior Mr. Pinch excuse me for one moment my dear friend now sir what is the reason of this rough intrusion I am very sorry sir I am sure said Tom standing cap in hand before his patron in the passage and I know it must have a very rude appearance it has a very rude appearance Mr. Pinch yes I feel that sir but the truth is I was so surprised to see them and knew you would be too that I ran home very fast indeed I had enough command over myself to know what I was doing very well I was in the church just now sir touching the organ for my own amusement when I happened to look round and saw a gentleman and lady standing in the aisle listening they seemed to be strangers sir as well as I could make out in the dusk and I thought I didn't know them so presently I left off and said would they walk up into the organ loft to take a seat no they said they wouldn't do that and I heard in fact observed Tom blushing they said delicious music at least she did and I am sure that was a greater pleasure and honor to me than any compliment I could have had I beg your pardon sir he was all in a tremble and dropped his hat for the second time but I am rather flurried and I fear I've wandered from the point if you will come back to it Thomas said Mr. Peck sniff with an icy look I shall feel obliged yes sir returned Tom certainly they had a posting carriage at the porch sir and had stopped to hear the organ they said and then they said she said I mean I believe you live with Mr. Peck sniff sir I said I had that honor and I took the liberty sir added Tom raising his eyes to his benefactors face of saying as I always will and must with your permission that I was under great obligations to you I could express my sense of them sufficiently that said Mr. Peck sniff was very very wrong take your time Mr. Pinch thank you sir cried Tom on that they asked me she asked I mean wasn't there a bridal road to Mr. Peck sniff's house Mr. Peck sniff suddenly became full of interest without going by the dragon when I said there was and said how happy I should be to show them they sent the carriage on by the road and came with me across the meadows I left them at the turnstile to run forward and tell you they were coming and they'll be here sir in less than a minutes time I should say added Tom fetching his breath with difficulty now who said Mr. Peck sniff pondering who may these people be bless my soul sir cried Tom I meant to mention that at first I thought I had I knew them her I mean directly who was ill at the dragon sir last winter and the young lady who attended him Tom's teeth chattered in his head and he positively staggered with amazement at witnessing the extraordinary effect produced on Mr. Peck sniff by these simple words the dread of losing the old man's favor almost as soon as they were reconciled through the mere fact of having Jonas in the house the impossibility of dismissing Jonas or shutting him up or tying him hand and foot without offending him beyond recall the horrible discordance prevailing in the establishment and the impossibility of reducing it to decent harmony with cherry and loud hysterics mercy in the utmost disorder Jonas in the parlor and Martin Chuzzlewood in his young charge upon the very door steps the total hopelessness of being able to disguise or feasibly explain this state of rampant confusion the sudden accumulation over his devoted head every complicated perplexity and entanglement for his extrication from which he had trusted to time good fortune chance and his own plotting so filled the entrapped architect with dismay that if Tom could have been a gorgon staring at Mr. Peck sniff and Mr. Peck sniff could have been a gorgon staring at Tom they could not have horrified each other half so much as in their own bewildered persons dear dear what have I done would be a pleasant surprise sir I thought you would like to know but at that moment a loud knocking was heard at the hall door end of chapter 20


My name is Toby Amador. I'm a registered dietitian and I have a master's degree in clinical nutrition and dietetics. And then I also wrote a cookbook called the Greek Yogurt Kitchen. It actually features over 130 recipes that are both delicious and healthy for every meal of the day. So I use it for marinades and for baking in place of butter to cut the calories, for popsicles, for dressing. I mean, you name it and I've used the Greek yogurt in that capacity. Yogurt has a lot of health features. So in terms of health, it's been shown it has a lot of them have the live and active cultures in it, which is good for your gastrointestinal system. And there's a lot of other studies with diabetes and weight loss, etc. So what I do is in my recipes, I'll always give you a serving size. So a lot of times a recipe will say serves four. But what do you mean what serves four? A cup of it, how much? So I will give you the exact amount within every recipe so you know how many calories correspond to exactly what type of serving. A lot of people eat Greek yogurt in terms of only for breakfast or only out of the container. And for me, there's so much more versatility in Greek yogurt that I wanted to show the public. Some people find some are too tart and that is a question also that comes up. But you could do anything with it. Put a scoop of peanut butter in it, put a little berries on top of it. And so it's so versatile and can change to whatever flavors you like. And that's I think why people really like it.