Dedicated to the strength of the nation. Proudly we hail. Yes, proudly we hail, starring Mona Freeman, in The Teacher Had a Principal, the United States Army, and United States Air Force presentation. And now here is your host, the well-known Hollywood showman, C.P. McGregor. Thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, and greetings from Hollywood. Welcome to your Theatre of Stars, for famous personalities of stage and screen. Join us in plays we know you'll enjoy. Our star is one of the most popular young actresses in motion pictures, Mona Freeman. The title of our romantic comedy, The Teacher Had a Principal. We'll have the curtain for act one in just a moment, but first, here's Wendell Niles with an important message. Choose the career that offers all five. The U.S. Army offers you these five keys to a successful future. One, a career of service to country. Two, the right job for you. Three, continuous training for planned advancement. Four, lifetime security. Five, travel and recreation. Yes, men, choose the career that offers all five. Find out about the five keys to a successful future at your nearest U.S. Army and U.S. Air Force recruiting station. Now once again, your host, C.P. McGregor. The curtain rises on act one The teacher had a principal starring Mona Freeman as Marsha Gray. When Marsha Gray was studying to become a teacher her dreams of the future were concerned only with instilling in her students a desire for knowledge. Then Marsha graduated from teachers college and learned that there were more problems in the teaching profession than appeared on the blackboard. Young, attractive and definitely whistle-bait Marsha resented some of the restrictions imposed upon teachers by such unenlightened communities as Hillsdale. And right now at a special teachers meeting called by the principal, Mr. C. Howard Jones Marsha is in a rebellious mood. Ladies, please, Miss Gray. Yes, Mr. Jones. Will you please give me your attention for just a moment? This won't take long. Well, I hope not. There are other cards to make out. I appreciate that, Miss Gray, but they'll just have to wait. This is a matter of grave importance. Oh. Mr. Watson, our physical education and manual training instructor and the coach of our athletic teams was seen entering the pool hall. Well, aren't you shocked? I certainly am, Mr. Jones. In fact, for a moment I was shocked speechless. However, now that I've recovered, I would like to say just for the record that I think Mr. Watson's action was most disgraceful. Thank you, Miss Pickrick. I was sure I could depend on you. Do any of you other ladies have anything to say on the subject? I have. Yes, Miss Gray. What's so disgraceful about Mr. Watson going into the pool hall? Every other man in town goes in there. The fathers of our students, even the members of the school board, I know I've seen them. That's very different, Miss Gray. Those other men are not teachers. Mr. Watson is. Look, Jones, I told you that I only went into the pool hall to get a couple of my basketball players. I appreciate that, Mr. Watson, and I personally am willing to accept your explanation, but that is beside the point. Townspeople, our employers, if you please, who saw you going into the pool hall, do not know the reason you entered. They will feel certain that you went in there to waste your time playing pool. Why should they think that, Mr. Jones? If I visit a friend in a maternity ward, that doesn't make me a mother. Please, Miss Gray, maternity ward indeed. I still don't understand all the excitement, Jones. It was Saturday when I went in there. If I wasted any time, it was my own. A teacher has no time of his or her own, Mr. Watson. My teacher is very concerned about the problems to the community. Then why do our contracts just call for a five-day week? That clause is merely a legal technicality, Mr. Watson. What about the clauses which state that we can't get married or have babies without losing our jobs? Those are not technicalities, Miss Gray. Those clauses were designed to protect the school and us teachers from any influence which might divert our interest from our work. Surely you understand that? Do you have any better teachers if we had children of our own and let at least semi-natural lives? I would like to talk with you after I've dismissed the other teachers, Miss Gray. We assembled here to discuss Mr. Watson's error in conduct, not your philosophical approach to pedagogical profession. Please, Mr. Jones, don't talk like an educator. I'll settle with you later. Now, Mr. Watson, I feel that you owe it to the rest of us to remove the stigma of pedagogical profession. Okay, Jonesy. What do you want me to do? Why don't you write? I won't go into the pool hall again 500 times. Miss Gray, this is too much. All right. Make it 250 times. The rest of you are dismissed. I'll take the matter up with you later, Mr. Watson. Okay, Jonesy. And please stop calling me Jonesy. As for you, Miss Gray, I'll see you in my office immediately. Really, Miss Gray, I can't understand your attitude. If you don't like teaching, why are you a teacher? But I love teaching, Mr. Jones. I think that with the possible exception of medicine, it's the greatest, most satisfying profession in the world. Well, I'm certainly happy if somewhat surprised to hear you say that. I also think that some of the restrictions imposed upon teachers are absolutely archaic. Really? Exactly. We're supposed to teach children to take their places in the world as normal human beings, but we're not permitted to live normal lives ourselves. This is getting us nowhere, Miss Gray. I asked you to come to my office because of a statement you made concerning marriage and baby. Well, I'm in favor of them both, and I think they should go together. I also believe in the American home and the American way of life, and I'm more than willing to send an oath of loyalty to this country. Miss Gray, have you been thinking about marriage? Certainly. It's perfectly natural, isn't it? Just what have you done about it? Well, nothing concrete. Just hope. Well, I'm certainly happy to hear that. Why, Mr. Jones, are you proposing? What? Certainly not. I have been informed that one of our teachers, whose name is as yet unknown, has secretly married and is in fact the mother of an infant. I'm very happy to learn that you are not that teacher, Miss Gray.  Indeed I am. Except for your slightly radical attitude toward a public educator's duties to the community, I consider you one of our finest teachers. Well, thank you. Yes, it would have pained me deeply to have been forced to ask for your resignation. But you'd have done it. I would have had no choice. I see. Well, let me tell you something, Mr. C. Howard Jones. If I ever find a man who'll marry me and who wants children, I'll accept him so fast that he won't know he said I do till the first baby's three years old. And if for any reason he can't afford to support us, I'll keep right on teaching until some long-nosed complains. Good afternoon, Mr. Jones. But I'm not through talking, Miss Gray. Well, I am. I'm going home. I wonder who that could be. I'm coming. Miss Gray. Oh, Miss Randolph. Won't you come in? Thank you, Miss Gray. I hope I didn't interrupt anything important, Miss Gray. Oh, not at all. I was just finishing my dishes. Oh, you can be thankful that one person doesn't use many. Well, that isn't much consolation for living alone. As a matter of fact, I let them stand in the sink for three days. Just to make it look as though a man were living here. Won't you sit down? Thank you. When Mr. Jones dismissed us this afternoon, I didn't get a chance to tell you how much I admired the way you stood up to him and defended Mr. Watson. I certainly congratulate you. Please don't. I was probably wrong. I'm sorry to have made you so madly pay heavily for that little free speech. But I just can't stand injustice. Teachers can't go into pool halls. Teachers can't get married. Teachers can't even have babies. I wanted to talk to you about that. Which? Babies, marriage, or pool halls? Babies. Well, I'm afraid I don't know much about babies, Miss Randolph. I don't even know anyone who has one. I have one, Miss Gray. Well, I think that's wonderful. Miss Randolph? Mrs. Randolph, Miss Gray. I use Miss only to keep the school board from cancelling my contract. Oh, well, yes, of course. Phil, Mr. Randolph is just completing his law course under the GI Bill and helping to support his mother. So it's absolutely necessary that I keep my job until he gets back on his feet. Oh, naturally. Well, I knew you'd understand, Miss Gray. It was deceitful of me to accept this teaching job, knowing how they felt about married teachers and babies, but... Well, I had to do something. And it hasn't hurt my teaching. Of course it hasn't, Miss Randolph. I wish you'd called me Helen. Well, I'd like to, Helen. My name's Marcia. I know. Oh, this is a terrible imposition, Marcia. And, well, if it weren't for the way you expressed yourself this afternoon, I wouldn't have the nerve to ask. But if you would keep your secret... Oh, my God. I wouldn't tell us so long. Oh, I'm sure you won't. But that isn't really what I had in mind. Well, Phil and I haven't had a chance to go out together since school started, and this is our third anniversary. I wonder if you'd take care of the baby for us tonight. Well, I'd love to. Where is it? Out in the car. Let's go get him right away. And Marcia, please don't call him it. He's terribly sensitive. You know what? He's sensitive. Here, Marcia. Isn't he a great big boy? Well, he certainly is. What's your name, young man? He's Phil Junior. Say hello to Miss Gray, Philzie. Oh, dear. Don't you like me, Phil?  It's just that you're strange. What did you say? He hasn't seen anyone except his father and myself since school started. Well, here's his bottle. I just heat it in a pan of warm water about 10 o'clock. Thank you, loads. Helen? Yes, Marcia? Well, didn't you forget something important? Well, not that I know of. Well, isn't Philzie apt to need a spare or something? Oh, you mean his... Yes, yes. Of course, how silly of me. I have them right here in my purse. Is there any special way? Well, I always use the square fold. But if you're more accustomed to the triangle, well, that's perfectly all right. Well, I'm sure everything will work out.  Oh, well, thank you again, Marcia. You've been a lifesaver. I know. I can tell by the little round hole in my head. Perhaps next time I can do the same for you. Yes. What? Marcia, if you have any visitors for heaven's sakes, don't tell them whose baby Phil is. If it got around town and Mr. Jones learned about it... Oh, now don't worry about a thing, Helen. No one will learn anything from me, least of all, Mr. Jones. I knew I could depend on you, Marcia. We won't be too late. All right. Good night. Well, Philzie, how do you like staying with your Aunt Marcia? Well, maybe you'd like to have me sing to you. Rock-a-bye, baby. On the treetop. Don't you like my singing? You charming child. Now, see what you've done.  Just a second, Helen. I'll be right there.  I said to make sure that the baby... Mr. Jones. Good evening, Miss Gray. What was it you were saying about a baby? Why, a baby? Did I say something about a baby? Oh, you must be mistaken, Mr. Jones. Really? Well, of course. I wouldn't know a baby if I saw one in my own house. Ah! In that event, Miss Gray, I'd better come in and identify an infant for you. We pause briefly for my story. The teacher had a principle starring Mona Freeman to bring you an important message from our government. Women in the medical profession. If you served in the U.S. Army during the recent war, here's important news for you. Nurses, dieticians, physical therapists or occupational therapists who served in the Army Medical Department in World War II may now qualify for a regular commission. That's right, a new law making this possible has just been passed. And here's an important part of that law. If you were separated after May 12, 1945, you will be credited for the time between separation and your appointment to the regular Army. Appointments will be made through the grade of captain. Yes, for you women who served as nurses, dieticians, physical therapists, or occupational therapists, this is your great career opportunity. Your application must be in by November 15. Like today for your application to the Office of Surgeon General, Department of the Army, Washington, 25 D.C. Certain rises on Act 2 of the Teacher Had a Principle starring Mona Freeman as Marsha Gray. When Marsha Gray left Mrs. Randolph's crying baby on her Davenport and hurried to the door, she expected to meet the baby's mother. Instead, she found herself face to face with a school principal, Mr. C. Howard Jones, who, at the request of the school board, was trying to discover which of his teachers had violated her contract by marrying and having a baby. Really, Mr. Jones? It's awfully nice of you to drop in and very thoughtful, but, well, I'm really not prepared to have any guests this evening. I can readily believe that, Miss Gray. Where is the baby? Baby? Yes, Miss Gray, baby. The infant I heard crying a moment ago. Oh, you must be mistaken, Mr. Jones. I don't hear any baby crying. Neither do I. Now, but I certainly did when I was standing outside the door. Well, are you sure it wasn't the radio, Mr. Jones? Positive, nor was it a television set. Well, are you going to invite me into your living room? Are you going to keep me standing in this hallway all night? I told you I'm not prepared to receive any guests. I appreciate that, Miss Gray. Nevertheless, as principal of the school, I must do my duty. If you'll please stand aside, I'd like to see the baby. But I told you it was just the radio, Mr. Jones. I prefer to trust my own eyes. This isn't a radio, Miss Gray. Well, for heaven's sakes, what is it? A baby, and there it is on your Davenport. You see, Miss Gray, I know a real baby when I hear one. I could never be fooled by a radio actor pretending to sound like a baby. Oh, you know so much. And you keep out of this, you stool pigeon. Well, Miss Gray, I shall expect to find your resignation on my desk in the morning. Resignation? Naturally. You know that your contract forbids any teacher to be married or to have children while employed by the school district. But, but, Mr. Jones... I'd like to speak to your husband, if I may. My husband? Yes, the father of this little contract breaker. But I'm not married, Mr. Jones. Not married? Oh, Miss Gray... Mr. Jones, please. I'll be all right. I'll be all right, Miss Gray. I just fainted from the shock. Not married. Really, Miss Gray, this is too much. Not married! I don't blame you, my child. I don't blame you. Just a second, Mr. Jones. This is not my baby. Then whose child is it? It's... Well, I can't tell you that. But it belongs to a man and a woman. I believe that is a not uncommon occurrence. What are the names of this man and woman? Well, I told you that I just couldn't say. I see. In that case, Miss Gray, you can only assume that an alleged man and woman are figments of your imagination and that this child is indeed yours. Well, he's not. How are you, Philzie? You see, I'm just taking care of him for the evening. You mean the child's parents will return to pick him up later? Well, of course. In that unlikely event, I shall wait and meet the parents. But you can't do that. And why not, may I ask? Well, because you just can't. Perhaps that's the child's parents returning. Oh, well, I'm sure it couldn't be. We'll see. We'll see, as if you'll answer the door. All right. But you wait right here. And you keep an eye on him, Phil. Why, Mr. Watson? Oh, won't you please come in? I just dropped by to thank you for a distracting old pickle-puss this afternoon. Oh, dear, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. Oh, sure you do. The way you jumped in with that baby's and marriage routine made Jonesy forget all about me going to a pool hall. You're quite mistaken, Mr. Watson. Uh-oh. I shall go into the pool hall. That is the matter of the pool hall at some other time. At present, I'm concerned about a much more serious affair. Oh? He's referring to the baby. Baby? She's kept her secret very well, Mr. Watson. But Miss Gray has a baby in the other room. What's more, she isn't married. I told you that child isn't mine. Of course. And in the same brazen breath, Mr. Watson, she refuses to divulge the identity of the baby's parents. I also told you I can't do that. Of course you can't. Why can't you tell her, Marsha? Well, because they... Well, just because. I see. Well, I guess we can't keep it a secret any longer. You mean you know? Of course, Marsha. Mr. Jones, that baby is mine. Mr. Watson? Yes. Well, Mr. Watson, first you're seen going into pool halls. Then I discover you have a baby. I suppose as a last straw, I learned that you're married. Mr. Watson, I shall expect to have your resignation in the morning. You'll get it. Mr. Watson, please. It's all right, Marsha. You can call me Wally now that old vinegar fizz here knows. Knows? About us. What about us? There's no point in attempting to continue your deception, Miss Gray. What are you... What's anybody talking about? I should have suspected that there was something between you two when Miss Gray defended you so ably this afternoon, Mr. Watson.  I don't suppose you told Jonesy when we were married, Marsha? Married. Oh, so you are married. Naturally. I come from a long line of married people, Jonesy, and I expect my children to be able to say the same. Just when and where were you married, Mr. Watson? Well, since I'm resigning tomorrow, this is none of your business, but just so there can't be any gossip about Miss Gray, my wife, that is, will be remarried sometime this week before we leave town. Married? Oh, Mr. Watson. If you can only cook. Well, now that everything is understood, I might as well be on my way. Don't bother to show me out, Miss Gray. Mrs. Watson, I mean. I can find my own way. Mrs. Watson. Did I leave you alone, Miss Gray? Well, I don't... Oh, yes, you did. I'm always forgetting that thing. Marsha? Phil and I decided we just couldn't enjoy the show because of worrying about our baby. Mr. Jones. Yes, Miss Randolph. Am I to understand that this baby is yours? Well, really, Mr. Jones? I don't know what to say. Well, I do, Helen. Who are you, young man? Phil Randolph, and that baby is ours. You want to make anything of it? Quiet, I... Oh, Phil! All right, be quiet, Helen. I was as proud as a pup when that baby was born and I'm not ashamed of him now. But my job would depend on that. I'll find some way to take care of you if you lose your job. I'm afraid that's quite certain, Mr. Randolph. Your wife has violated her teaching contract on two accounts. One, she is married, two, she has a baby. Her dismissal is, of course, automatic. I don't think so. What you think makes no difference, I'm afraid, Miss Gray. We'll see about that. If Helen Randolph loses her job, I'm going to write every paper in the state and tell them what you and the local school board have done. I'll tell them about her husband being a combat veteran, studying under the GI Bill, and obliged to support his mother, and that the only reason she's teaching is to hold their family together until he's able to complete his education, which was interrupted while he fought to protect you. Hysterical threats will get you nowhere. Don't, Marcia, keep out of it. This is our problem. It's my problem as much as yours. More, maybe. More? Yes. If you hadn't come in when you did everything, Wally, Mr. Watson was going to marry me. I suppose you want my resignation, Mr. Jones. No, Miss Gray. After consulting with the school board, we have decided to eliminate the clauses banning marriage and babies. What do you think of that? Well, I think it's wonderful, Mr. Jones. But what about Mr. Watson and the pool hall? I'm coming to that. You see, I... I'm not really as unreasonable as you seem to think. Oh, I never thought you were unreasonable, Mr. Jones. Really? Well, of course not. I may have thought you were a stuffed shirt and scared to death of the board, but I never thought you were unreasonable. Oh. Well, I...  I was just wondering if I might have the pleasure of your company this evening. Why? I think it's a marvelous idea, Mr. Jones. I hoped you'd think so. In fact, I went ahead and reserved a table. That sounds terribly exciting. I haven't had a table reserved for me since I started teaching. Where are we going? To meet Mr. Watson at the pool hall. I reserved table seven. The technical calls and the final act that the teacher had a principle. Our star, Mona Freeman, will return for a curtain call after this timely message from Wendell Niles. High school graduates, before choosing any career, check up on the excellent opportunities which the United States Air Force offers you. Now you can actually chart your future step by step. You know exactly where you stand and what to expect of the future. It works like this. After you enlist in the U.S. Air Force, you'll be able to do some test and test and test and test, which determine your aptitudes and abilities. Next, you're interviewed by highly skilled career counselors who help you select the job for which you are best suited and have the best chance for success. Then you start a definite career plan, combining on-the-job training with technical schools and maximum use of the skills you've learned. At all times, your future is clear and assured. The United States Air Force. Inquire at your nearest Air Force base, our U.S. Army and U.S. Air Force Recruiting Station. Now once again, your host, C.P. McGregor, and our star, Mona Freeman. It is set of Hollywood. It is the place where the unbelievable happens. Well, instead of casting our star as a teenager as she is known to the motion picture audiences, we asked Mona Freeman to portray a school teacher. I think you were grand, Mona. Oh, and I loved it, C.P. Of course, I didn't object to the whistle-bait description as you opened the story. It sort of established the teacher. If there ever was a star in Hollywood that didn't need establishing, you're her. But, of course, I really took the casting cue from one of your latest Paramount pictures, Branded. Well, I'm quite grown up as a Texas rancher's daughter in that one. That's right. And then in Paramount's still unreleased, Copper Canyon, you were also a young lady. That's right.  Well, since both Branded and Copper Canyon have you as a young woman in her early 20s, I know our listeners will find you just as delightful. Oh, thank you. But now I hear that there's another picture on fire for you, a sequel that will put you back in the teenage part. Well, I'll be a little older. You see, the first picture, dear Ruth, has a sequel called Dear Wife. Well, you are slightly older. Yes. And the next one, although it isn't written yet, may be called Dear Mom. And I'm likely to be a very old woman in that. Oh, yes. 18 or 19, at least. Well, I know we'll be looking forward to seeing you.  Well, I'd love it.  So please tell me who's starring next week. Well, next week, Mona and ladies and gentlemen, we're going to bring you one of Hollywood's most popular actors, Phillip Reid. He will star with us in a romantic play called Thank You Miranda. I know you'll find our star at his dramatic best. Don't miss it. Oh, that's supersonic. Pat and I will be simply wedged to our loudspeaker. Be seeing you. Do that. And we'll be seeing you again soon. Goodbye, Mona. Be sure to join us next week, ladies and gentlemen. And Phillip Reid stars in the romance Thank You Miranda. Until next week, then, this is C.P. McGregor saying thanks for listening and Cheerio from Hollywood. Mona Freeman appeared for the courtesy of the Hollywood coordinator, Betty, which arranges for the appearance of all stars in this program. Script was by Bill Hampton with the music Betty Dunstead. This program was transcribed in Hollywood for release at this time. Wendell Niles speaking.


Abbott what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show Hello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listing place here with Susan Miller and the music of Matty Malley Hold on to your tears folks for here. They are but Abbott and Luke Costello There are no bars and candy stores all Nick candy bars Well, I'll put the old Nick on the shelf tonight. Oh, show them here. I'll have it and don't interrupt me I'm taking a single lesson my teacher says we're not finished on my singing teacher says I'll be enough to let he totally want and Frank should have to all roll into one You will I'll be a loaf of shortening bread with curly hair wearing bobby socks. Haha How can you be a singer? There's them. There's no music in your family Oh, no for your information my uncle might made a fortune with the bell song whether you're singing with a metropolitan opera No, good human man on route 66 You know, you know to be to be a good singer to be a good singer you've got to sing with pear shaped tones They're she told yes the tone must come out of your mouth in the shape of a pear which end first where I'm talking about pear shaped tones. Do you sing with pear shaped tones? I don't know about pear shaped tones Abbott, but when I sing Apple Blossom time it comes out from salad. No You're the saying in public in your life. Oh, you don't think so. No, I did so I was singing opera Carmen I carried a spear and hit the highest note ever hurt. How did you that? I wasn't the only one carrying a spear Folks you're in for some real laughs with our zany stars tonight, but before they continue listen to this Castella, what's the idea? What's the idea of wearing those horn rimmed glasses? There's nothing wrong with your eyes I know but I think they helped my appearance and before I got these glasses when I walked down the street everybody would say There goes that stupid-looking Costello and now what do they say they say there goes that stupid-looking blue Costello wearing glasses You know you're a mess. How'd you get all that pain all over your suit? Well, I saw a pole up in the alley with a sign on it I climbed up the pole to see what the sign says. What does it say? Fresh paint You'd better take that suit over to my uncle Herman at the Kirk dry cleaning plan dry cleaning plan What's your uncle Herman doing there? Well, this is Wednesday. He's dying today. That's terrible Abbott I didn't even know he was sick. Oh, he isn't sick. He's dying He's dying and he isn't sick. That's right. If he was sick, he couldn't die Why not? Well, it's against the rules of the cleaning plan.   What do they do leave him out in the alley? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.  He can't? No, if he wants to die he has to go up the 7th floor He's got a die on the 7th floor. That's certainly it Is there any elevator in a place? No. It's a nerve of the people. What do you mean?   She don't? No.  No, no, no. If there's any dying done to be done around the house, his wife does it Huh? I'll make myself clear. If there is if there's any dying to be done around the house, his wife does it What are you laughing at? It was funny at the other way His wife has got a died too? Certainly. What are you trying to do? Bump off the whole family?   Why couldn't he die at my house?   Well, naturally. I mean, F, F, F What was that?  If he doesn't die, he can't eat. You mean he eats after he dies? Well, certainly he dies for a while then he eats. Then he dies again then he eats some more.    Naturally. Did you ever hear of anybody lying down to die? All the people I ever knew. Look, Costella He can't. He knows the standard way. No, no, no, no. He can't lie down on the job He's got to be through dying by six o'clock. If he dies after six he gets time and a half. He gets paid for dying Oh, sure. It's peace work.  When I say Uncle Herman is dying I don't mean that he is dying like a person dies when he dies I mean he's dying for a living and a person that dies for a living is living even though he's dying When you say that Uncle Herman is dying you don't mean that he's dying like a person dies when he dies You mean he is dying for a living and a person that dies for living is living although he's dying? Now you've got it I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, it's Susan Miller Hello Susan. Where have you been all week? I'm really working on a Western picture over at Republic Studios Oh, I used to work in those Western pictures. I used to work for Roy Rogers, but they fired me Why one day I forgot the tuna's guitar and the Indians killed him He talks sense castella. When are you and Susan going to get married? Well, I'll tell you soon as I find my place I'll tell you I think Susan and I are going to get Right folks. I got it. I got it I earn enough money Seriously speaking money isn't everything lots of people get married without money Do you know what I was getting when I married my wife?  I'll do my own shopping Money talks as it said much to me lately These days you can't hold on long enough to start a conversation But I'm gonna do what my aunt may did I'm gonna wait for my ship to come in Did you that may ship come in at me wait a first ship to come in for 40 years then her peer collapsed They they no attention to them Susan. You know you look so sweet tonight Susan. I'd like to give you a great big kiss Well, wait a minute Abbott. Why would a young girl like Susan want to kiss you costello? I've been kissed by girls that wouldn't even look at you. So what I've been kissed by girls that wouldn't look at me either I Can I come over to your house tonight?   Well? I haven't got an automobile and I have to take a streetcar the car here in the streetcar there Wait a minute. Just a minute. How can you spend $300 in one week riding street cars? I forget to take transfer Come in good evening gentlemen I'm lawyer melon head and I have the pleasure to inform you mr. Costello that you're in line for an inheritance of $800,000 left to you by your great-great grandfather Diamond Jim Costello wait a minute Costello this this doesn't sound right to me Where did your great-great grandfather ever make that much money? He invented a cake of soap with a hole in the middle Well, what good is a cake of soap with a hole in the middle that way you never have a piece left over Oh your melon head castellate great-grandfather's will was probated 75 years ago when the old man died yes, and that's when I started my search But I wasn't born 75 years ago. No wonder. I couldn't find you. Oh That's it. Well furthermore. I have a point of order to establish here The money was left to the oldest grandson now and looking up the records I found that you costello were a twin and I just couldn't believe it and why not well I took one look at you and I said there can't be another one like him You know how that this guy's a phony how dare you I'm an expert on wills all my life Costello all my life I've been searching for missing airs from the looks of your shiny dome. You never found any Castella you never told me that you had a twin brother. Oh, yes, my mother Kristen does Louis and Dewey But we don't talk about Dewey He got my mother into a lot of trouble when he was six months old Mom was taking him from Paterson to New York and at the state line. They arrested it He was carrying your brother Dewey and they arrested her. They claim she was smuggling dope You know, I've looked up your brother Dewey's record.   I Think I should be proud of them But what has that got to do with the will well Dewey has filed a claim to the fortune He says that he is the older of the twins. Oh, no, no, that's a lie and I hope I can prove it I was born 10 minutes before Dewey that money is mine mine. You hear me mine That money is mine. All right. All right. Don't get excited. Don't get any award was a little late for me That money was mine Malin head Hand it over. You better not so fast I must have definite legal proof that you are the elder twins. Oh, that's easy Costella has his birth certificate that will prove his aid very well Costello. Here's my card Bring your birth certificate to my office and it proves that you are older than your twin brother Dewey I will give you the legacy. Why can't I have the money? I already got a legacy. You've got it You've got a legacy. Surely. I've got two legacies to arm a sheet and a couple of hypocrites We're gonna go we're going over and get your birth certificate. Come on And there's a lot more mad stuff still to come but right now a change of pace to let you hear this Susan Miller our singing star joins Maddie Malnick for the cleverest set of lyrics ever written about those three little words In the love song It's got everything a simple sort of a bitty Anyone can now there's a chance that you might think my love song is But where there are no Love Inside out and you still haven't found your birth certificate Remember your twin brother Dewey has already presented his claim to the fortune He says he's the oldest and unless you can prove he's wrong you lose your inheritance You've got to find that birth certificate. All right, Abbot. Hey look here's the old vest I used to keep my birth certificate in I just looked in the pocket. What do you think I found your birth certificate? No the whole I must have lost it from Wait a minute seems to me used to keep all your important papers in your back pocket can't be there rabbit Look at that big hole.  Why can't I see your underwear? I also got a hole in my underwear Yes, I mean we've got to find that birth certificate. I don't know where it is Abbott I've snooped all over the house. I snooped in the kitchen. I snooped in the blond's apartment next door I snooped in the cellar. I snooped in the blond's apartment next door Then I snooped in the attic then I snooped in the blond's apartment next door Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Why do you keep going back to that blond's apartment? Do you think you lost it there? No, but do you know a better place to snoop? That's a fellow. This is serious think think please where did you put that birth certificate? I Got it. I got it. I left it in the pocket of my pink shirt that I sent to the Chinese laundry yesterday Well, that's good now. Come on. We're going to get that shirt I Lumpfong's real Chinese laundry come on in you've got a ticket no ticket no sucky wait a minute I thought it was no ticket no shirty or this week a running special no ticket or sucky All right, you lumpfong. I'm not here me. I'm not I Don't like this laundry business habit. I want to open a handlony, but I nearly starved to death There's no money in a handlony. Why most people wash your own hands.  Where is Castello's laundry? Oh here my laundry be lady are Flagging. Oh, well, we don't care if it's that if it's ready or not We just that we want to look through his straight. Castello left something important in his pocket Oh, we know what shirt are here. He's a little tiny laundry. We send all the shirt to China You mean you sent my shirts to China. Oh, yes. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Look, mr. Fong I gotta get that shirt right away even if I have to go to China for all very good You go to China. He is out of less of a home office in China. Bye Well castello the Santa clip leaves for Hong Kong in an hour I hope that laundry has your shirt with your birth certificate in isn't it exciting castella. We're going to China See, maybe I'll see my cousin one along Costello He's in a silk business in China. He started in business with two silkworms They made six pairs of silk stockings a day, then he got an idea now They make a thousand pairs of stockings a day. How did he do it? He made the worms partners in the business Then he tried the corner of the market by getting his hands on every pair of silk stockings in China But he got arrested now the last fairy got his hands on there was a girl still in them Now he's living in Burma. He's a big man in Burma. He works for a shaving cream company in Burma Which one?  Oh, I just so I I used to make dates with a rickshaw A rickshaw, a rickshaw is a long skinny thing that you drag around and takes you hours to get any plays with that's her Well, maybe we'll see your cousin while we're in China I hope so but I got a great idea for him. I'm going to get him to cross silkworms with garter snake What for so he can raise silk stockings that will stay up by themselves As your cousin in China long lose the day since the days of Marco football. No, you mean Marco polo This was before he learned to play polo All forget about that now if we're going to China, we may run into a heavy rain a monsoon What would a monsoon be doing in China monsoon as a Frenchman like monsoon book here No, that's all shit if you no no no no no no no no that's the sewer Missors a guy that works in a circus bath like a Swedish miss or all castella That's my sore miss or miss or is what I got in front of my house all my water runs down the store No, I can hardly wait to get the turn at it I want to see them Chinese play baseball with the Chinese play baseball ain't you never heard of the Yankee Stadium Pretty good II just threw that one in I should have thrown it out. Yeah Come on, I just got time to make the sign a clipper Hey, we're stuck that's yellow not a seat left on the China clipper. I just spoke to the ticket clerk Well, let me handle it. What's this? Go ahead. You clicky. Meet Charlie Chen. We must get to China Very very important face. Why Charlie Chan a great detective. Have you solved any big cases lately? Me just saw case of blonde bubble Denzel who shoot husband. Yeah, I read about that She claimed that she couldn't have shot the gun because she was holding on to a bubble with both hands He was a bubble as a alibi. How did you solve it me see through her alibi? What case do you want now miss or me me me or yes me working on case of man who steal locomotive from Santa Fe railroad, honey. Do you know where he's hiding? No But the first time he goes for a ride brother will we nail him? Okay, Mr. Chan, here's your ticket China clipping already on runway six all aboard for China kukamonga Anaheim and Azusa. Oh wait just a minute at the plane is going to China Why are you hollering anaheim kukamonga and Azusa? It gets last another program Got that was a long trip. Are you sure? Are you sure you're not afraid to fly to China me afraid? Why I come from a family of flyers my grandfather was a commercial pilot for 75 years 75 years ago He was a commercial pilot now. They didn't have planes 75 years ago. No wonder. He was always out of work Come on. We're off to China to find your birth certificate. Think of it. You're going to be rich all aboard Look what the bill brought welcome to China gentlemen. I am the dragon lady I am Costello And I like what you're dragon Be careful Costello these overnight women are beautiful, but they're dangerous.  I noticed it the minute I came in That one may I be of service to you? What is your play? Play and poo But after seeing you I think I'll give it up Miss dragon lady, we have come all the way from America to get a shirt for Costello. Sorry, we don't make that size in China either Try Omar the temp maker in Persia Son for sure to the laundry and the laundry man told us he sent it here to be laundered Oh, was it a pink shirt with white button and initial LC on the pocket? Yes. I didn't see it But my brother did and he told me to tell you that your birth certificate was not in the pocket How did your brother know I was looking for my birth certificate?  I remember I didn't leave my birth certificate in my shirt.  Come on. We're going back to America Honorable Costello. Yes, darling before you leave. Yes, sir.  Goodbye You do every week. Why not now? My line says, please do Come I will give you a real Chinese kiss. It will make your hair fall out that I intend to see Come here Castellum say something Abbot table my mother that ball. He won't be home Come on. Castella. We've just got time to make the China couple back to America Well, Castellum, are you sure this is the place you left your suit with the birth certificate in the pocket? Yes This is it. Abbot see the sign genuine French dry cleaners Monsieur Siroplace, what can I do for you? I left the suit here last week to be clean and I left something in the pocket I'd like to get the suit. Oh, but the suit is not here, Monsieur. The suit is not here No, this is a genuine French dry cleaner. We send all these suits to Paris France. Oh Oh This is terrible. This is of course. This is unbelievable. Eh, could I say something?  Did you look alike? Yeah, we were as much alike as two peas in an old tin can. You mean two peas in a pod We were so poor that we couldn't afford a pod. Oh, good night Tonight at this time for another great Abbot and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Susan Miller and Maddy Malnick's Orchestra This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station


As you flip the page towards game week for you, how does the excitement and just the whole energy, the vibe, how does that increase for you? It increases each and every day. I mean, going into my fourth year now, getting ready for the first game against Arizona Cardinals, who was a really, really good team. They got really a lot of good, great athletes, both sides of the field. And it just continues to try to get more and more and more exciting as the days go by, so getting really, really excited.  I mean, obviously, for one, is his legs. I mean, his ability to be able to stretch plays and get out of the pocket, his elusiveness is very, very impressive, seeing how he breaks tackles and gets yards after the ball. You know, he kind of reminds me of a guy like Lamar Jackson. He's not as tall or as big as him, but he's still able to do and be as effective as Lamar Jackson, just being a little smaller. You got a lot of new faces on this defense against Young and maybe some older. How much are you looking forward just to kind of see how it all comes together starting Sunday?   And then you got older guys who've been in the game and made big plays and just given as much leadership and knowledge to those young guys as much as possible, and they know how to play games like this, especially big games going into, you know, a first game of the season. So, you know, both of those dynamics can make you very dangerous.  Hey, man, that's always the plan, man.  So hopefully if I'm able to do that and, you know, get to the ball like I normally do, you know, those things will happen. So, what? Byrd and Hooker have both said that you guys want to be more aggressive this year as a defense. What does that look like? What are some of the things that we can see and know? Hey, that's more aggressive. Um, to be honest with you, I would think just, you know, overall from each and every player, making more splash plays, I would say, too. Um, you know, they, we always constantly talk about the turnover game. Um, the team who has the most turnovers always normally wins the game. So that's the biggest thing for us to make more splash plays, split plays that are involved in getting the ball out. Um, you know, getting INTs, um, you know, if it's not getting the ball out, at least let it be, you know, tackle for losses or something like that. You know, you want to try to get a team like this third along as much as possible.  I was talking about how much more comfortable you are schematically and understanding the defense. Does a willingness to take those risks come with that conceptual understanding? Oh, yeah, it definitely always comes down conceptually. Um, you want to do what's best defensively, where guys can play fast.  Um, so schematically, man, I think that's the biggest thing, making sure everybody knows what they got to do. And that way everybody can make plays.  What's the one thing you feel like you need to do better this year? Um, for me, I would say just continue to just be even better as a leader. Um, you know, it's a long season. Um, guys are going to be excited to play the first half of the season. Um, guys may be even excited to play, even towards the mid part of the season. But, um, you know, on that back end of the season, man, it's, it's brutal.  And for me, I would say just continue to be a better leader. Um, going into those tougher games, going into the back end of the season when you really need that type of leadership. I think that's when, you know, things like that will come into play. What about on the field with Sean, your, your game on the field, what, what are you, are you focused on those one thing? Oh, for me, I would say even making more splash plays, like I was just saying, um, get more balls, I get more INTs. Um, and then number one, just, you know, doing what I'm always good at. And that's, that's stopping the run too. So I'm doing all those things incorporated individually for me. I think that'll definitely help the defense. And also not only that, help the team as well. That communication part of the thing, that's something just, it continues to come up. Obviously it has to get better as a leader and a guy who the defense like kind of flows through. How can you make that communication better? And what do you want to do to, um, really, really before they even ball even snaps, you know, there's a list of reminders. I even go through in my head, um, as a linebacker knowing and telling guys, you know, these are the things we can see.  Um, and going through those things in my head and then, you know, verbally saying it to the guys before the play happens, you know, you try to get those guys, um, at least some type of awareness of, you know, what could possibly happen. So that's kind of the biggest thing. I've been really, really working on knowing more things, uh, being more aware, um, and not only put myself in the position to make plays, but also playing, helping other guys, uh, in the position to make bigger plays because, you know, conceptually, I'm growing and growing each and every year, knowing more and more and more about defense and, uh, offensive stuff. So I would say that that back into the season is going to be a little longer this year. You think, you think the 17th game is going to feel like a lot?  You know, you, and it's really more of about, you know, a health thing really on the back end of the season. How many guys can you have healthy? Um, you know, you could talk about talent. You could talk about schematics and all of those things, but if you don't have the guys on the field to play, you know, none of that can happen. I guess some of the first year guys about speed of the game in week one and obviously played Alabama. So kind of used to fast play, but was it an adjustment for you, an eye opener for you week one, uh, NFL season as a rookie? Oh, no, dad, you, it's more about getting the jitters out, understanding that, you know, some of the things that you were doing in college are going to be some, some of the same things you're going to do in, in the NFL. Um, just knowing that the, the lines and the numbers on the field never changed. They're all the same. Um, and then also understand it too, you know, give yourself a lot more pace than, than usual, uh, just because, you know, not only that you're schematically learning things and conceptually learning things, but you're also doing it, you know, by physically doing it by going out there, actually getting the reps.  But as you keep working and, you know, constantly getting more reps and more gains up under your belt, things become a lot slower. Monty writes so far and how he's developed through, through camp. I think Monty has developed really, really good.  And, you know, always good to have another SCC guy because I know what type of caliber ball he plays. I know who he played a bundle. So I know how he gets coached.  And really just play ball, man, play loose out there. And knowing that, you know, you're young, you could make mistakes, it's okay. But at the same time, you know, learn from them, don't make the same mistake twice and just play ball, play fast.


Ancient Greeks never used napkins. A man loses a job through mistaken identity. The man who broke the bank in Monte Carlo really lived. Can you imagine that? This is Lindsay McCurry, ladies and gentlemen, and my gang and I are with you once more to delve into the dusty tomes of ancient animals and the yellowing pages of newspapers to bring you another series of amazing facts. We'll be on the air with the first one in just a minute and a half, so stick around. And now we're ready to present our first item on this session of Can You Imagine That? Let's see what pops up first. Well, here's a juicy little item from the etiquette books of antiquity. If you had been invited to dine at the home of any of the better class of people of ancient Greece, you wouldn't have found a napkin by your place. No, no napkin. But you would have found small pieces of bread with which you could wipe up a drop or two from a dripping pomegranate or overripe olive. The old Greeks used these little bits of bread exactly the way we use napkins today. The only difference was that in those days they didn't save them or put them into napkin rings for the next meal. Instead, they just dropped them out of the floor where some of the household pets would pick them up and eat them. And maybe the Greeks had a word for that too, hmm? Beware the Ides of March. Beware the Ides of March. That's what the soothsayer said to Julius Caesar. But can you imagine that, says to you. Beware of mistaken identity. Must you have a reason? All right, here it is. This little incident happened in 1881 in Burlington, Iowa. On the previous day in January, the legislature had just convened and the town was rapidly filling with office holders and office seekers. Up in front of one of the leading hotels drove an imposing carriage. Very well. Here's a dime for your trouble. Just put my trunk on the veranda. I'll carry my portmanteau. Yes, sir. Room, please, with bath. Yes, sir. Register, please. Thank you. Now, shall I have a porter bring your trunk up, sir? No, I'll find a porter myself. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Your valise will be in your room. You're there. Yes. Sir, if you please. Yes, sir. My trunk is right here on the veranda. Bring it up to my room. Oh, right away, sir. Of course, right away. Room 36. Yes, sir. What are you charged for your services? 25 cents, please. Thank you, sir. Now, do you know Governor Grimes when you see him? Oh, very well, sir. Good. Give him my card and tell him I want an interview with his earliest convenience. Why are you staring at that card? Is this your name? Of course it's my name. Permit me. I am Governor Grimes. At your service, sir. You? You are Governor Grimes? Oh, my dear sir, I beg of you. Please, excuse me. A thousand. Perfectly all right, young man. You may have your interview right this minute. Oh, thank you, sir. Yes. I received your letter of application and I was much impressed by it. I thought you would be well suited to the position you applied for, but, sir, you have just given me a marked quarter worth just 20 cents and not 25 cents. Any man who would cheat a working man out of a measly five cents would cheat the public treasury out of much more if he had the chance. Oh, but your excellency, I... That is all. Good evening. Remember that passage from the 16th chapter of Proverb? Ride, goeth before destruction and an haughty spirit before a fall. In these days, when hundreds of thousands of persons are carried at tremendous speed every year throughout the entire world in airplanes, we may forget the intrepid spirits who first took flight in the air. More than 160 years ago, on October 15th, 1778, Jean-Farsois Pialtre climbed into a small basket to which he had attached a smoke-filled bag. He had with him a small smoking stove which kept the bag above him inflated. At last, everything was ready and Pialtre gave the signal to cut the ropes holding his strange contraption to the ground. As the last line was severed, this true pioneer of aviation arose and floated in his little basket over his native city of Metz, France. A salut, then, to Jean-Farsois Pialtre, the first human to take flight in a balloon. 15 years later, on September 19th, 1783, Joseph Montgomery was a bit more cautious. Instead of going up himself in his balloon, he sent aloft three passengers who, when the balloon had descended, were discovered to be alive and well. No record is available of their emotional reactions for those three passengers were a sheep, a duck, and a rooster. Can you imagine that? Well, most of you, of course, have heard at one time or another the famous old song, The Man Who Broke the Bank at Monte Carlo. But did you ever know that the inspiration of that song was not at all the figment of the imagination of Fred Gilbert, who wrote it? No, sir, it's an actual fact. There was a man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo. It was in 1891 in the tiny principality of Monaco that one day the son of the founder of Monte Carlo, now operating in the casino, Camille Blanc, called one of his oldest and most expert group years under the Desmond basement office. Sit down, Castangio. Oui, Monsieur Blanc? Well, he is coming at last. Really? Who? This Englishman, Charles H. Wayne. Ah! So he has been fortunate in England. But well known is forever lucky in Monte Carlo. You remember what your old father used to say? Red wins sometimes. Black wins sometimes. But Blanc always. Ah, yes, yes, I know. But I am fearful, Castangio. Yes, Monsieur Wells has been too fortunate. He has won too much in several financial ventures. Now he may do the same here. I appoint you Grand Chef de Parti. You will stand by him wherever he is while in the casino. Watch him carefully. Report to me if you notice the slightest indication of trickery.  Oui, Monsieur. I will watch him. A few days later, Charles H. Wells arrived in Monte Carlo, registered in one of the luxurious hotels and subsequently made his nonchalantly confident way to the spacious casino. But they were ready for him, or so they thought. Bonjour, Monsieur Wells, and welcome to the casino Monte Carlo. Yes, thank you. Thank you so much. Will you take me to a rule at table, please? At once, Monsieur. This way, please. Thank you. Thank you so much. Ah, here's an excellent table, Monsieur. Emile is one of our most expert croupiers. Good. Pleasure way, George, please. I put 70 francs on the table. Number three in black, please. The maximum on number five. The maximum, Monsieur? Emile, Monsieur has said the maximum. Of course. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. Now, the same. Well, on and on went the luck of the amazing Mr. Wells. Around and around spun Dame Fortune's wheel and always did Mr. Wells win. Whenever he appeared, the croupiers fell into a fit of consternation. His fame sped around the casino until the number of bettors placing wagers on the same number Wells selected had to be limited, greatly to the obvious annoyance of those eliminated. Camille Blanc was so certain that the Englishman's winnings must be the result of some sort of fraud that he set 10 of his best spies to watch Wells night and day, but never could they discover any evidence of collusion. Wells' astounded good fortune was sheer luck. He had no system and played numbers all over the felt-covered table. At last, a few months later, he left Monaco to return to England. But the notoriety that his visit had brought to the casino sent thousands of avid gamblers to the tables, thousands from all over the world who were bent upon emulating the success of the famed man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo. If Wells had broken the bank 50 times, the advertising would have been worth the cost. At length, Wells returned, repeated his former success for a time, and then... Number nine on the red. I will do, number nine on the red. Our wager's in, our wager's in. Wager's closed. Oh, he's... Number six, black. Well, I'll still play nine on the red. Yes, sure, right, number nine. I will stay with number nine two years. Number ten, black. Well, no matter. I shall still play number nine. Well, the last time I will play number nine. I do it. Number five, black. And Charles H. Wells kept on losing. His luck had changed. He turned to his old favorite number five, lost again and again and again. And one day, as the grand chef departee reported to Camille Blanc that the Englishman had suddenly disappeared, the casino's owner laughed softly as he seemed to hear the spirit of his father, old François Blanc, founder of the resort, whispered to him, He who breaks the bank today will be broken by the bank tomorrow. Chorus from the sunny southern shore. I, too, Matty Carlo, went just to raise my winner's rent. Dame Fortune smiled upon me as she'd never done before. And I've now such lots of money, I'm a gent. Yes, I've now such lots of money, I'm a gent. As I've walked along a path no longer than independent hair, you can hear the girls declare she must be a millionaire. You can hear them sigh and wish to die. You can see them with the other eye at the man who broke the bank. I stay indoors till after lunch and then my daily walk to the great triumphal arch is one grand triumphal march. Observed by each observer with the keenness of a hawk, I'm a mass of money linen silk and starch. I'm a mass of money linen silk and starch. As I've walked along a path no longer than independent hair, you can hear the sigh and wish to die. You can see them with the other eye at the man who broke the bank. And there you have it, another session of Can You Imagine That. This is Lindsay McCarrie reminding you that we'll be back again on this same station very soon with another batch of odd facts and hidden human interest news stories. And until then, it's goodbye now.


I got real interesting we got we got people on we got the tying run to the actually the winning run to the plate and yeah you know right there wasn't honestly trying to do too much I was trying to get on base and you know happened to put a good swing on it. Imagine you'd prefer it came in a win but that was your first home run since July 8th 2017 is that kind of wild to think of? Yeah it is it's everybody knows my story has been a long time so that is cool but like you touched on it would have been better if we'd want you know finish that off and won the ball game. The DJ's versatility and his ability to play multiple positions him his effort at third base today is that kind of what you expected? Yeah I mean I guess I guess a baseball player man let me tell you you put him anywhere and he's gonna impact the game offensively defensively isn't he give you everything he's got so I think you guys saw that today he was all over the place and made some good plays. Troy I'm sure you've seen Paxton from the other side what's it like playing behind him? He's really good I saw that in spring you know that fastball command is special he really throw strike with all those pitches a few few pitches there you know found some holes but overall I thought he was really good today.


Walker-Peters with Stanislaus for company, comes back to Ericsson just outside the year. Ericsson's shot is deflected into the back of the net. Deflected goal at Chelsea, and now a deflected goal at Tottenham. The Chairs are not having any luck on their travels. 15 gone, it will go down to Ericsson, but he doesn't deserve it. 1-0. Well, you're absolutely right, which is going to be the other end and add a chance to maybe two goals ahead ourselves, but Tottenham, Ericsson again. Took his shot, nice and early. Alderweirel with a long diagonal, but he can pass. Goodness me, that's headed away by Daniels, but looking, or nearly fell on the edge of the box for Moura. Daniels' poor control, now it's Son in the D. Sonnele shoots! He's lost it with the poor clearance on the edge of his own penalty area, and when it came to Sonne, he still had work to do, and from the D, he fired it past Begavitch and Spurs doubled their lead, a quarter of the way through this game. Well, it's not the cue. We knew that Spurs would be political in their finish here. Down to the keepers left, but as you say, we give it away cheaply. Made a comfortable catch. Harry Winks with a ball over the top. Walker Peasers again has found space. Right, Sonnele comes back, low shot! Lucas Moura, a piece of the ball from Winks. Lebelow, Moura running onto it. 12 yards out, and Spurs, they might be clean already here, we might even play 35 minutes. Well, again, it looked like something from the training ground, the way they built the move up. The ball in the handoff on defence. It was perfect, we can't do this run. When he cut it back. That run again, right along the line. Ericsson to Kane, Snicks in inside left, and assists for Ericsson. Kane ghosted in between the defenders as it came over his shoulder, and left-footed volley across Begavitch. And surely now that is the game for Spurs. Four now. Well, it's the same sort of pass that's beat the previous league. They keep breaking the offside line. Harry Kane took it off. One team, we've made it. Oh, we'll come back to Everton, scoring four at Burnley in a second, but Harry Kane's burst through again here. Harry Kane sends Begavitch onto the ground, then still manages to hit Rose, who completely missed his kick. The danger is still not clear. Lucas Moura on the end, and eventually, Son scored his second of the afternoon, and it really is one to forget for the Turis. They are five now. Well, it was a all-round approach, but Harry Kane did fantastic to get round that we can start with. Then the pinball started. Shots from two or three players. Harry Kane having a right go to get his goal when he finally did with a low shot. Well... It's been a couple of days this season, when...


Welcome to Idid Future. I am Robert Crowther at the Center for Science and Culture in Seattle and joining me again today, someone who will be familiar to our regular listeners, Dr. Bob Marx, the distinguished professor of engineering at Baylor University and one of the senior researchers at the evolutionary informatics lab. I should also note that he is the co-author, along with William Dempsky and Winston Ewert, also part of the evolutionary informatics lab, of the book Introduction to Evolutionary Informatics, which is very accessible. It's not as threatening as the title might sound to non-scientists like me. It's very interesting and it is based on a lot of the work done out of the lab, but I would recommend for most people probably will appreciate the book. Thanks for being here today, Bob. Thank you. Along the lines of your book and information theory and so on, I wanted to talk a little bit about artificial intelligence, what the state of it is today, how much progress is being made, if any. How good are we at programming things to be like us? I mean, how smart are the machines we're making? What's the say to that? Well, number one, I do think that there is a danger in artificial intelligence, but it isn't from them becoming human-like. It's rather putting them in experiences, which they have never experienced before. I read about one of the examples of a self-driving car that did really great until a plastic bag flew across the front and it didn't know what to do. So therefore, it was trying to do something which it hadn't been programmed to do yet and it didn't know how to respond. So I think that there's danger in that, but on the other hand, this idea that a human can be replicated by a computer to display the qualities of creativity and consciousness and sentience and understanding is something which will never happen. They will always be under our control. Even though artificial intelligence is going to have a great impact on our society, it already has, and there is going to be danger, but it's like any new technology, which is introduced to society, there's going to be ramifications and dangers, so we have to be careful of those. Right, and you have to go into things with your eyes open, so to speak, and be aware of that. That's not too surprising. What's a little more surprising is what we may already be in according to Elon Musk and others, such as Neil deGrasse Tyson also kind of has this view that it is more likely now than ever that we're just living in an elaborate computer simulation. So we may not realize it, or are we beginning to realize it, and maybe Elon Musk is onto something? Well, the interesting thing is I don't think many people have noticed that but Elon Musk is clearly now a supporter of intelligent design, as I understand it being defined. Now, I think that there's kind of three answers. There's the deist sort of example that there must be a God. I think that there's the panspermia example, which was popularized, I believe, by Fred Hoyle and Francis Crick, the DNA guy, and Hoyle is a great astrophysicist, that life was planted on earth by some alien life form. So it was not only panspermia, it was life from an external source, but it was directed. It was actually some alien force coming in. And both of those attempt to say that the stuff that we look at, the design that we see, the incredible complexity, the fine-tuning of the universe, all of this other stuff was a result of external forces. And this is what Elon Musk is doing. Elon Musk is saying that the incredible design that we see couldn't have been a result of natural forces. It must be something else. And he doesn't believe in directed panspermia. He's apparently not a deist. I don't know that for sure. But he says, I know what it is. It's an external programmer that has put us all in some sort of simulation. So I would say that Elon Musk has added a third category to possible sources of intelligent design. Right, because he is detecting design around him in nature, in the world, in the universe, and he's attributing it to intellectual or intelligent agency. Yes, exactly. And if that's not the definition of somebody who supports intelligent design, I'm not sure what is. Exactly. Very, very curious sort of guy. Now, Elon Musk is also the guy that says, we have to be careful of the artificial intelligence that we create because it might end up destroying us. Apparently, he's not concerned about us destroying the artificial intelligence that we created. Which I think is kind of a curious thing to think about. So I don't know if he's consistent with that.  So maybe that's what he's talking about. And it seems smart to be aware of what are you programming machines, computers, and these artificial intelligences to do. That's certainly something. I'm not sure that that's what he means though, because it sounds like from the comments he's made that he really thinks that computers will eventually arrive at something akin to human consciousness and that that's what we should be worried when they might take over. Well, I think as I mentioned in the last podcast, computers will never be able to be creative. I think that there's lots of evidence to get that. There's also the non-possibility of computers ever understanding. There's a great argument by John Searle called Searle's Chinese Room, in which he explains why computers will never have understanding. The idea is, and I'm going to butcher this a little bit, but the point I'll come across, there's a guy in a little room and in the door is slipped a little paper and on the piece of paper is written something in, say, Chinese. His job is to translate it into English. So he goes over to this big bank of file cabinets. I think people still know what file cabinets are. He goes over to this big bank of file cabinets and he begins to look for English phrases and finally he finds an exact match for the phrase that he's supposed to translate. On that same card that he's looked up is the Chinese equivalent. So he copies down the Chinese, he takes it to the door and he slips it out. Now, Searle's argument is this guy in the Chinese Room doesn't understand Chinese. It doesn't know what it's doing. It has no understanding of Chinese literature or anything else.  So I think that is just a beautiful illustration of why computers will never have understanding. They're just doing what they're told, just like the guy in the Chinese Room. And sometimes they do what they're told better than we do. They add faster, they compute more, they have maybe broader set of dates and facts and things to draw on, but the context for those things are missing. Yes, exactly. It can only do what it's told. It cannot extrapolate. It can only interpolate. It can take the data from which it is presented and actually interpolate among that data, but it can't extrapolate out of that body. It can't, if you will, think outside of the box. Right. And that is where creativity comes in. And if they can't think outside of the box, then they're not being creative. Right. So where do computers go from here with us designing and guiding the artificial intelligence? If it's never going to achieve creativity and be able to introduce uniquely new information and things, if you had to look forward in 10, 20 years, where do you think artificial intelligence is going? Well, first of all, I would quote the great physicist Niels Bohr who said forecasting is dangerous, especially if it's about the future. Right. So I'm not a big believer in forecasting because I've looked back at people that have forecasted in years past and many of them have made kind of fools out of themselves, but I do think that artificial intelligence will gain a greater and greater hold on our world, but again, it's going to be like the Industrial Revolution where all the farmers moved to the cities. Anything you can think of writing an algorithm to do will eventually be replaced, but then there are other things such as webmasters, computer programmers and such that won't be replaced. I've heard these people referred to as knowledge workers and the future will belong to the knowledge worker that actually interfaces with artificial intelligence. So yeah, I see it was quite a bit. The other thing which is also intriguing is the ability of artificial intelligence to augment our performance. I think that all technology augments a human trade. Cars go faster than we do. Calculators add faster than we do. So we're going to be augmented by the access to the knowledge of the world. I have that at my fingertips now on my cell phone. It blows my mind. Right. I'm old enough to remember going to the library looking for a paper and going through the stacks and finally finding the volume and opening it to the page and some jerk has ripped it out and taken it away and I don't have to worry about that anymore. I can just look it up on my phone. It's incredible. Now there's a trade-off because I've sacrificed totally my privacy. Google knows where I am every second of the day, I imagine. So there are going to be trade-offs of that sort too. But I do like the idea of virtual reality, the idea that we will be augmented into being able to do experiential sort of things without traveling. I think that's going to be really, really interesting. I want to thank you for being here today with us, Bob. I appreciate it. Okay.