Thank you, Jeremy, for the keynote. I'd like to take a brief moment to thank our amazing sponsors. Without their support, this security con would not be possible. So thank you to Red Hat, Sysdig, Uptix, and VMware Tanzu for being our diamond sponsors, and also thank you to Appiro for being a platinum sponsor. With that, we are ready to begin the general sessions for the day. And first here, we have Mohan Atreya from Rafa Systems. Mohan will be talking about securing the Kubernetes infrastructure using Kubernetes Zero Trust principles. Mohan. Thank you. Am I audible? Thank you. Good morning, everyone. Great to see so many people here. So I'm going to talk about a pretty interesting area. This has been something that we see a lot of users attempting now when it comes to Kubernetes. And I hope at the end of it, you'll walk out with some interesting insights. And if you have some questions after the session, I'll be around. So just look me up and happy to chat more. So what did we think we wanted to talk about this topic? A lot of you here are very technical. But there's a vast majority of people out in the world who use Kubernetes a little differently. If you've seen some of the reports recently, like from Shadow Server, there's nearly 380,000 Kubernetes clusters open on the internet. Think about that, open on the internet. That's not good. And we kind of play in this space. So we've been kind of talking to people, why do you do this? And a lot of people say, this is too hard if I have to go another way, go through a secure tunnel or something like that.  Your API server is the way by which you interact with your clusters as a user. It's open on the internet. Anyone can touch it. Not good, right? So we ask people, what do you do typically? And then maybe there's a better approach. So what people are typically done, and this must be very familiar for you if you've been in the industry for a while, they put up a bastion. If you go to a security team, they probably will say, maybe you should use a bastion, right? Kubernetes is new to them. So what did they do? They go set up a bastion.  And now you have a problem. The problem is, well, there are two problems. First is, from the bastion, you can see everything in that VPC. If I'm an attacker, that's a juicy target, right? And number two, me and my colleague getting out of the bastion using the same Kube config most likely, right? So that's not good. Now you can't tell who did what. So this turns out to be a problem. OK, we're to start. You land up having problems. The second thing that people do is they land up saying, well, this bastion thing is not working for me.  I put up a jump host. Now the user or the developer in this case is really, really ticked off. Because now you're asking the user to go through two jumps, right? Now, you may start thinking here at this point in time.  You're thinking, how is this any different from VMs? Have you done this for VMs for hundreds of years? Why is it so painful? The problem is, in the old monolithic world, the typically the only person doing this was the ops person, right? In the Kubernetes world, as every developer, when you have 100 microservices, the poor ops guy doesn't know which broke what broke where. So many developers access to help out when you want to resolve issues, et cetera. So when you have hundreds of users attempting to do this, you're in a real, real painful situation, right? This is what people encounter in real life. The last thing that we see people do is they plonk a VPN in front. Not bad, right? Except if you can afford it, these VPNs do cost a lot of money. And if you have three, four data centers, I mean, it's game over from a budget perspective, right? You have so many VPN concentrators. But the good thing is, now every user is using their own Kube config, and they're doing it right from the laptop. Life is a little better, right? More secure. The primary thing is cost. Of course, this does not remove the attack surface problem, which means if I can VPN into my VPC, I see everything inside the VPC, right? How me do. Not good, right? Now we talked about how can I access stuff. Now let's talk about the second dimension, actually, very aspect one. If I'm accessing Kubernetes, I thought I'd have some kind of operation. A developer have the same kind of access to administers. That's a known cluster-wide privilege every developer in more. What people do? Stand up having, for example, stand up saying that, hey, all the developers of this application in Acme names have to be in Acme names. Acme access on the top, the orange line, that. Want to make sure that the developer who doesn't need access to cluster-wide privilege can only access things at the namespace. But if I'm an operations person, allow me cluster-wide privilege, because I need that. So you guys know this fundamental logic, this RBAC built into Kubernetes, have to use it the way by which you control your Blaster Radio. Hello? Better? All right. Sorry, guys. So I'll just go back to that previous slide for two seconds. So the quick summary there is something called RBAC, a role-based access control in Kubernetes. Really important for you to understand that, because you do not want every developer who does not need access to the entire cluster. You want to make sure you use RBAC so that they can only see what they want to see. Really, really important. So what happens at scale? Now, we have one user or maybe one cluster, not a big problem. You can do all of this manually. What we see customers struggle with and users struggle with is when you have tens or hundreds of clusters, and typically, like when I talk about microservices, when you have hundreds of microservices, you have hundreds of developers who constantly move from one team to another. Now, your problem is magnified. You have hundreds of users, hundreds of developers, and you have many, many clusters. Now, how are you going to manage all these RBACs and even keep sense of them really hard? So essentially, if you are looking into a model by which you are doing this manually, you're now in an impractical zone. Is this not possible to do this? So this is where the processes fall apart, and you need some form of automation to make sure that the wrong people do not have access to the wrong things or more things than what they need. So now, let's look at how can we solve this problem? Both of these problems in one fell swoop. So let's look at this from maybe a requirements perspective. If I'm an operations person, and I have hundreds of developers that need to access stuff, and I need to support tens and hundreds of clusters running in data centers in many, many regions in Amazon, et cetera, the first thing I need to do is I cannot afford to put my clusters open on the internet. Everyone agrees to that. The next thing I need to do is make sure that I don't put my developers through this complicated bastion or VPN-based user experience, which everyone hates. None of us like that experience. So what you really need is to leverage what's been out in the market for tens of years. I mean, if folks have heard about companies like Zscaler and all these companies that have been very pervasive, they all do this. But for web applications, why not for Kube-CTL? Why not for Kube API? That, for all, runs on HTTPS, right? So the first thing you need is a way by which you can access these clusters, even though the clusters are cloaked behind the firewall. Can you do that? Yeah, if you can do that with Zscaler, why not? The next thing you wanna do is you don't want this R back to be permanently injected inside the cluster. You wanna do that dynamically just in time. Why is that really important? You don't want credentials to be permanently sitting on clusters, right? You want to remove them after the session is complete. So the automated, ephemeral R back, really important. All user access need to be strongly authenticated, given, right? And then finally, this is a question that people struggle with from a governance and compliance. If I come and ask you, hey, what are the Kube-CTL commands that ran against my cluster? Or rather, Johnny ran some commands yesterday. What did he run? People have no idea, right? There's no way to reconstruct that. What if there was, right? So these are the four things we see that organizations need to have a sensible practice around making sure that you run things at scale with your clusters, where you open up access to your developers, give them a fantastic experience and make sure that you're not running insecure. So what are we gonna talk about now? I'm gonna, for the remaining part of the session, I'm gonna do two things. I'm gonna talk about an open source project that we announced sometime back called Parallels. It's actually based on something we noticed about three years ago in the market. In about three years ago, we all started working from home because of the pandemic, right? And we had coincidentally introduced a zero trust access capability in our platform and that took off like a rocket ship. I don't have the charts here to show, but it was almost like a curve like that. And it's because people are working from home, everyone hated VPNs, nobody wanted bastions, and everyone wanted instant access to the clusters. So you're gonna see that in action with this open source offering. We open sourced it because we felt that it's really important for the industry to kind of move a couple of notches up from a security perspective, right? Like everybody should be able to do this. You should not be requiring a commercial offering to do this. So let's talk a little bit about Parallels. It's open source, Apache license, so you can pull it down and use it, right? And if you are using something like DigitalOcean, you have a one-click experience. Just go there, search for Parallels, click it, install it, use it. Please participate in the community, right? Like we would love to see how we can improve this. We'd love to have contributors. I mean, you guys are all pretty aware of how the community is so important to make sure these projects are successful. So help us out. Let's make the industry more secure, try and participate in this project. So how does this work? Now you've kind of heard about the Zero Trust. Let me kind of show you architecturally. Then I'll show you a live demo. I'm sure it'll blow your mind, right? So the first thing you have is you have the access manager, Parallels access manager. This is a proxy. It's a Kube CTL proxy or a Kube API proxy on the internet, right? It's got these, an agent running on every one of your clusters and notice the arrow is out, outbound, right? The agent dials out on port 443 from your clusters behind firewalls to the Parallels access manager and runs a long running control plane session, right? It's essentially keeping it alive, the connection. Now, when the developer who's sitting at home can access the Parallels access server, they don't know any different. They get a Kube config, they say Kube CTL get namespace or something like that, right? They don't know if they're touching Parallels or the end cluster. They don't need to know. They're hitting the proxy, right? And the proxy authenticates them. It's a two-way authentication with digital certificates. It's very strongly authenticated. Of course, everything is encrypted. It's HTTPS, right? And not only that, anything they use or types is now audited, right? See, if I type some funky commands, you can reconstruct the whole set of commands and from a compliance and governance perspective, this is really important, right? And once that authentication is complete, it's just basically on the wire. The commands are flying back and forth between the client and the server. Now, before that, the downstream APS server at this time has no idea who you are. It has no RBAC for you on that cluster. So remember, at step two, when the user authenticated with the Parallels access manager, they're also indicating you wanna access the cluster on the top and RBAC is generated on the fly and a service account is injected into that cluster, right? This is all happening in milliseconds, right? Milliseconds or microseconds, right? So the APS server is the one that's actually controlling everything behind the scenes. Parallels here is nothing more than the main gatekeeper. It's just an access proxy. That's pretty much it. It's access proxy, authenticating you, generating the RBAC, injecting the service account on the cluster. Sounds fascinating, right? I'm sure you guys wanna see a very quick demo of that. I'll do that right now, right? So let's see that. So what you're gonna see here is I have the Parallels access manager set up. It's running in New York in digital ocean, right? I'm now here in Detroit and hopefully my internet will work and you'll see me attempt to run a kubectl command and I can run this against three clusters. What I've done is I've simulated a typical environment any small company would have. A dev environment, a staging cluster, a production cluster, right? And what I'm gonna do here is I'm gonna show you if I log in as an ops person, I can see everything because that's what my access rules are. And I'll have cluster wide privileges but if I log in as a developer I will not have access to production because that's the rule I set up here, right? Now this should be like easy, right? Like how do you do that? Why not see it in action? So let me very quickly. It's gonna be complicated because I'm holding the mic and doing this at the same time. So this is a parallel access server. So what you're seeing here are three projects. I have a dev project, a prod project and a staging project. Inside that I have a cluster, a dev cluster and if I wanna kubectl do it, I mean I don't know where it's running, I don't need to know. And I can say, hey, get namespace and I get the thing. Now the key thing here, you don't even see the service account being dynamically injected on the cluster. So now what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna flip to another cluster, just for kicks and I'm gonna show you live, let's go inspect the service account. So when I run this, let me type this out if you can't talk and type at the same time. Yeah, it's also autocomplete, thank God. So when you go look at that, if you look at this service account for this user, it was generated about two hours ago when I was just practicing and rehearsing for this demo. Now what I'll do is I'll log in as an ops person and we'll see this being generated live, right? So what I'm gonna do now is I'm gonna log in as an ops person. I'm gonna authenticate as John, right? And if you look at John, the company, the central access manager said, John has access because he belongs to the ops group. I have access to the dev prod and staging. This mapping is done automatically based on my group membership, right? Then I go in a prod and I'll do the same thing. And I'm hitting the same cluster. And if I look for the same thing, which is a service account minus N, battle system, you'll see that, ops John, this email, just 10 seconds ago, the service account was dynamically created on that cluster, right? Just 10 seconds ago and when I log out, that service account will be flushed, which means nobody has keys to the kingdom all the time. Every time I access, I need to authenticate. Really important. So tomorrow I change my role. Today they move me from ops to dev. I will not have this level of access anymore. Everything is automatic, right? So that level of federation really important. Now let's log in as the dev, right? So I'm gonna log in as Sally. Sally is a dev in this company. And when Sally logs in, remember Sally, because she belongs to the developer group, the company had decided Sally and developers don't have access to the production environment. So as you can see here, there's only dev and staging clusters visible. Now Sally also belongs to only one namespace called Apple, right? There's a namespace called Apple on the cluster. She only has access to that. Let's see if Sally attempts something smart and attempts to see anything more what happens. But before that, let's see. I'm just gonna try typing in, I'm listing all my pods in my Apple namespace. Everything looks good. Now Sally says, you know what? I really am curious. I wanna see who else is running what on this cluster and I type a get namespace and you notice access is forbidden. Why is this forbidden? Because the RBAC for Sally that was injected under that cluster is constrained down to the Apple namespace. She can only see the Apple namespace, nothing more. Imagine doing this for hundreds of developers who are constantly moving from group to group or hundreds of operations people. Everything is automatic, right? You add people to the right group, RBAC follows them, right? That's the power of Parallels for you. So, the last thing I wanna show you here is the audit trail.  As a company, if I'm an auditor, I can go in and look at every command that was run without Sally here or John here or the admin here, whatever I did, everything can be tracked, right? So from a governance perspective, people can rewind back and say, this person did this, these are the sequence of commands. What are C users tell me now on forums is fascinating. We initially built this assuming they will use it for security purposes. What people are saying is they're using this to automate run books now. Like, you know, this is really sharp engineer who knows how to run the cube cuddle commands in a certain sequence. They capture that and say, I'm gonna bottle this up and I'm gonna have other people follow the same sequence of commands. So very fascinating set of feedback from organizations. So in summary, we encourage everyone in the industry to do three things, at least three things. Please do not put your Kubernetes clusters on the internet, cloak them. Make sure that people have zero trust access. Make sure your developers get access to your clusters from anywhere with the right RBAC. Make sure the RBAC injection, the service account injection is done dynamically, which means only right level of access is given at the right time. And make sure you have an audit trail of everything. This in summary would get you to a point where you're running secure operations for your Kubernetes environments. I think that's all I had. If there are any questions, I'll be around at the back or outside. I'll also be at the booth, a RAFE booth later this week. Let's just stop by. I think we'll have something about Parallels there. Thank you. Do we have time? Go ahead. Yeah, we have the mic. So what is the current state or status of Parallels? Can it be used in production? And second question is the performance hit. Like what kind of performance hits are we looking? Yeah, yeah, very good questions. So two questions there. What's the stage of the project? As you all know, at CNCF, there's a pecking order, right? You eventually want to get to a graduated stage. We are now in Sandbox. We submitted for Sandbox. So we really have been looking for the community to kind of help us. You know, we need the right kind of sponsorship from the community to move up the ladder, right? So help us out there. We're right now in Sandbox, getting into Sandbox, application for Sandbox. We had to climb up that ladder, right? It takes sometimes years to climb up. So that's the first question. The second question is what's the performance hit? So there's typically about a, when you saw the whole thing in action, right? Me typing in the command as a user is imperceptible, but you can measure it. It's typically in milliseconds. It's in milliseconds for the first time when the user is authenticated and the service account is injected on the downstream cluster. That's about a millisecond needed that is to just orchestrate that. But typically the user never notices anything. By the time you think about the command you're gonna type, it's all done, right? So, and you can run these proxies anywhere in the world. So what we see organizations do is say, hey, I'm gonna run my Parallels access server closer to my clusters because it really comes down to distance. You can't beat the loss of physics, right? So if you run the Parallels access server closer to your clusters or closer to your users, I think that's the decision you gotta make. Yeah, yes. Yes, good question. I'll repeat it because I'm sure others couldn't hear. So there are two fold questions. One is, does the Parallels access manager need cluster-wide privileges to do its job? And number two is, is there a plan to do a third-party pen test? The answer is yes to both. The third-party pen test kind of happens naturally as part of the CNCF process. Every project is put through a microscope, right? As it happens. I think that's why we encourage every project to go through the CNCF governance model. Yeah, yeah, perfect, thank you. Any other questions? Yeah, reach out to us on Slack. We're pretty active on Slack. I think I just look for Parallels. I'm sure you'll find it. Thank you.


There are some cable news shows that are almost purely entertainment. Talk shows that only bring on one side, you know, ranting and raving about made-up controversies. And of course I'm talking about Fox when I say that. There are cable news shows that interview newsmakers and world leaders. Do you think CNN does that too? Well what shows are you talking about? I think at times you do have some very opinion-based shows at night time like you do on Fox. So which ones?  One of the worst offenders in my opinion is Brian the Tater Stelter who has hilariously been given the title Chief Media Correspondent and Anchor of Reliable Sources. This guy is no correspondent or anchor of anything reliable. There are countless endless daily examples of why this is the case but we're not going to focus on that today. Today we're going to look at an interview that Tater recently did with the 16 year old kid with a news-focused YouTube channel called Raving Ryan. Nice name. So during the interview Tater starts off with his usual stick of attacking his business competition over at Fox News. When this young journalist calls him out for his obvious hypocrisy on these matters. Before we get into this interview, give me just 30 seconds to tell you about this special offer for my subscribers. Collagen makes your skin healthy and gives you a youthful look. It strengthens nails, hair, teeth and gut health, maintains muscle, improves joints and so much more.  I highly recommend it. As an added bonus, if you order today they'll give you free shipping, free VIP, live health and fitness coaching for life and a free e-report on the 14 foods for amazing skin. If you order today you can save up to 51% off Ageless Multicollagen and rest assured knowing this company offers a 60 day money back guarantee even on empty bags. Go to www.healthwithdronetech.com and order today or click the link in the description or pin comment. I'm sure the show is very different in 2013 than it is now in the age of Donald Trump. How has the show changed since Donald Trump became president? We're living through a crisis presidency. The leader of the free world wants to destroy news outlets, leads a hate movement against the media and that is an overarching story that has to be addressed and continue to be covered and called out. I guess in 2013-2014 I was able to have more time to do stories about journalism controversies, debates within newsrooms, which I'm so fascinated by. But when you've got a hate movement against the media and a raging pandemic, those sorts of issues are going to come more front and center. Okay, wow. This guy is just a master of misdirection. Stelter is of course unreliable. Just look at this article that he wrote in 2009 about Obama's war on Fox News. He quotes Obama describing Fox News as quote, part of the political opposition, a position that Brian Stelter currently takes. His article does little more than echo and bolster the Obama administration's complaints about Fox, such as, you'd be hard-pressed if you watched an entire day to find a positive story about me on that front. I never claimed to have a good Obama impersonation. Just look at how he pathetically tries to defend Obama against the charge that he attacked Fox News for most of his presidency, which he did. Yes, this was a complete failure at every step of the process during this entire campaign. The media definitely, they clearly and overtly and even told us that they wanted Hillary to win and they gambled everything, including their credibility on defeating Donald Trump and electing Hillary Clinton and they lost. Just because we may like President Obama, we might forget that he spent much of his presidency attacking Fox News. Bill Clinton attacked, right? He did not spend much of his presidency attacking Fox News. He occasionally pointed out what he believed was unfair coverage from Fox. Okay, I guess what maybe you need to realize is that for a lot of people who don't share your political opinions, that's what it feels like. What you're going through right now is what it felt like for the last eight years. Remember that article I showed you that Tater wrote in 2009 about Obama's attacks on Fox News? Oh, would you look at this? As late as 2016, Obama was still complaining about Fox News, the only media outlet that was ever critical of the Obama administration. I want to move into more of a broader discussion about cable news. And I've watched a lot of it and on all three of the major networks. And I would argue that when you watch cable news, you don't actually learn as much as you would if you watched like one of the network shows, if you watched the Nightly News or Morning Show. And a lot of it is moved into more opinion based shows. Would you agree with that assertion that you could probably learn more of what's going on in the news from either reading the newspaper or watching maybe the Nightly News? Well, I think it depends on what program you're talking about. I think cable news is too broad a brush for a conversation about like what, you know, the amount of content, the amount of information. There are some cable news shows that are almost purely entertainment, talk shows that only bring on one side, you know, ranting and raving about made-up controversies. I'm confused. Is he talking about himself and CNN? Is he talking about MSNBC? When do either of these networks or the rest of the mainstream media for that matter ever bring on opposing points of view? It's increasingly rare and I can't think of a time in recent memory that Brian Stelter has brought on opposing points of view. So I don't know, maybe he's just doing some kind of self-reflection here. After all, CNN just got sued for millions of dollars for manufacturing a story that targeted innocent kids who were actually the victims, simply because one of them was wearing a MAGA hat. Then there was that time you promoted Jesse Smollett's fake hate crime story, again because it involved MAGA hats.  That didn't exactly turn out the way reliable Stelter said it would. So, yeah, he must be talking about himself and CNN. Wow, I mean, I'm really surprised. Good for you, Brian. Of course, I'm talking about Fox when I say that. Of course, the one channel that was pushing back against all these fake stories being reported by CNN. Talk shows that only brown one side, you know, ranting and raving about made up controversies. And of course, I'm talking about Fox when I say that. There are cable news shows that interview newsmakers and world leaders. Do you think CNN does that too? Well, what shows are you talking about? Um, I think at at times you do have some very opinion based shows at night time like you do on Fox. So which ones? I would argue probably Cuomo Prime Time, Don Lemon. Those are, I wouldn't say those are more new. I would say a lot of those are opinion based shows. Would you agree? I think those are newscasts that have opinionative voices on them. Okay, this is where I really start wanting to smack Stelter in his fat potato face.  But like the kids specifically asked about the evening shows, it's hard to believe, but Stelter's actually trying to intimidate this kid for asking him a tough probing question, an obvious question, but one that is potentially dangerous to Stelter's diatribe. So now he has to try and discredit the kid by implying that his suggestion is somehow absurd. Sometimes people think about when they say, Oh, CNN has more point of view. CNN has more opinion now. They're talking about the monologues that the anchors are doing. Is that some of what you're referring to? Like the essays that the anchors are doing? Yeah. Yeah. I think the essays are like one of the big changes about CNN in the Trump years. And I think that they are a necessary addition.  For fuck's sake.  Talk about spin. Oh no, this is not an opinion show. Just a new show with people who are opinionated. That's the same thing, Tater.  All in all, it was a pretty good interview by Raging Ryan. I commend him for reaching out to CNN and actually getting the interview. I definitely recommend everybody go over and check out his channel. I'll put a link to it in the description and the pinned comment. Also, before we go, I wanted to remind everybody that tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern, we will be having a live Discord chat stream. So if you want to join in, simply join my Discord. And if you join the live voice channel, you'll be able to participate in the discussion with us. That's all I have for this episode. Please hit that like button, share and subscribe. It's one of the best ways you can support this channel. The best way you can support this channel is by supporting the sponsors that keep us going. Or if you want to send a donation, you can do so on one of the platforms listed in the description or pinned comment. Thanks for watching. Keep coming back.


Looking for a limit of we're looking for a limit of salmon with Donnie anything. Yeah, Joe's got the brown and bent over Nice look at how pretty that salmon is that ought to go in the Donnie smoker, huh? I just look at that I just looked at it to nice one camp beauty All right guys, we're coming at you from the world famous West Grand Lake I'm here with a top two hammers. I'm in the hammer boat. We got a kid's boat an adult's boat This is the kid. This is the adult boat that acts like kids


It's not that people that have health issues or contentious acts or problems with work or problems with family members or what not aren't deserving of a relationship. The real question is, so this past weekend I was on a boy's trip with three of my oldest mates that I've known for 35 plus years. And what was interesting about this is two of the men are, have been married for over 25 years and one, we were all in each other's wedding. One of them has been divorced for not quite as long as I have and he's in a relationship right now.  So I want to lean into this conversation of what causes a man to stop making efforts, stop chasing, stop pursuing you. So what's interesting of the two married guys, I was thinking to myself, these guys would be such fish out of water if they got divorced now. Thankfully, they're happily married and ladies, let me just say this, for many of you who do not believe that there are good men out there, there is an abundance of good men out there. There really are. Okay. At the same time, these good men, if they were actually in the dating marketplace today, as I said a moment ago, I think these guys would be a fish out of water because they wouldn't have any clue how to date. It's been over 25 years for them. They wouldn't even know what internet dating is like. And I'm sure many of you have filled the same way. Many of you are in this position of having to do something contrary to what you were raised with. And I know speaking for myself, I know when I joined the realms of single after divorce, this thing called online dating, what the heck was that? And in some ways, I thought this was an easy way to meet a person. And I was in for a big surprise. In fact, that's what led me to my profession. I'm grateful that it's put me in a position to be able to help people. And so, but coming back to the one person who is in a relationship, he's divorced in a relationship. We were talking about one of his previous relationships and why it ended. And what he said to me was in the beginning of the relationship, there was all these good things about the relationship. As he got to know this person and as the relationship began to progress, the bad started to outweigh the good. The bad started to outweigh the good. And I know many of you have probably experienced the same thing. You've been in a relationship where the bad begins to outweigh the good, but you feel stuck. You feel as though you have no choice but to stick it out. Some people even double down on these types of relationship.  And I guess you might have felt the same way. So, you know, as a coach, my job is to help you do a better job of choosing people like those first two guys I spoke of, those guys that are in fully committed relationships, happily in love with their wives. And they don't have to worry about the dating marketplace and the mess it is right now.  That's right.  It is very complicated to meet somebody who's aligned with your values, who is compatible with your lifestyle. And more importantly, they have the emotional maturity to lean into a relationship. This is why I began a coaching practice. And if you aren't familiar with the I am a coach, I help women do a better job of vetting men. And if you need help with that, check out the link right here to see right there, free discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. I teach you which questions you should ask a guy to determine if he's right for you and more importantly, his emotional maturity. Now, if I come back to my two friends who are married, I think they're both emotionally mature. And yet they probably don't have, I'm going to suspect this because they've only been with each one of them is literally only been with one significant person their entire life. All they know is that. And yet today, the importance of having emotional maturity and relationship skills to actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship, most importantly, conflict resolution skills. But I'm going off on a tangent here because this detracts from where I was going in this conversation and what causes a man to stop pursuing and stop chasing you. Well, as I said in the beginning, we oftentimes enter into relationship with all the good and oftentimes it's the chemistry that drives the relationship. And if you're not familiar with my, my relationship iceberg chart, you can see here, attraction is based on chemistry. That's above the waterline below the waterline is compatibility. I said this earlier, shared values, blendable lifestyle and more importantly, emotional maturity. See, we humans tend to focus on the, the attraction piece, the good piece. And yet as a relationship begins to become seasoned, we're dealing with, does this person's values really align with mine? Does this person's lifestyle align with mine? I know many of you have invested months, if not years in a long distance relationship and you have no clue as to whether or not this relationship will actually align for you. I know you know, most of you know, I was in a long distance relationship that long distance didn't last very long until we decided to make a commitment with each other and move in together. So it wasn't really a long distance relationship for very long. In fact, all we had to do was drive to each other's airports as far as the distance is concerned. So, so I started to think what does, when does that point of the good starts to, the bad starts to outweigh the good. And today we're dealing with another challenging issue. And that is, dating is a relatively new phenomena. It's only probably have been around, quite frankly, half a century. Before that, people made it rather quickly with one other, even my girlfriends, parents got, they got engaged, I believe, they eloped 12 days after knowing each other, 12 days. That wasn't uncommon 60, 70, 80 years ago. Today, we go through a vetting process, we go through a dating process to get to know someone. And I want you to think about this. This drastically changes from those who are in their 20s and 30s versus those of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s, because we come to the table with a lot more luggage in our lives. We might have children, we might have a contentious ex. All of this plays into a part of whether or not we can really be compatible with another human being. So going, and because we're dating, we're oftentimes, a lot of people aren't capable of full commitment. I want you to think of this, a lot of people aren't capable of full commitment. If you're not familiar with my other chart, and I'm sorry that it's not fancy, but I talk about the three types of people who are actively dating. And I want you to can see here, my first category, by the way, this is not a fact that's merely an opinion. The first category are users. These are the people in it for the short run. They're the love bombers, the players, the gold diggers, the entitled people, the selfish people only care about themselves. I say that's roughly 20% of the population. I'm sure most of you think it's more than that. Then I say there are the growers and the builders. These are people that genuinely want to grow into a relationship with someone. And the majority of people, 60%, are what I call spenders. They want to spend time with you. They're capable of companionship, connection, and sex. What they're not capable of is commitment. And since the majority of everybody is dating in this pool, if you will, it's no wonder it's a clusterfuck out there. Because many of you aren't establishing genuine commitment right from the very beginning. In fact, ladies, many of you know my rhetoric.  You should at least read the book Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Chapter one, at least chapter one, read it with a guy, is all about trust and commitment. Think about this for a second. What is trust? Trust isn't about fidelity, although that is important. Trust is, does this person have my best interest at hand?  And I'm going to say I am participated in this frequently.  I didn't have their best interest at hand because I was only looking out for my best interest. Real commitment happens when you establish trust with one another where you can feel like this person has my best interest. Isn't that really the most important facet of a relationship? Is that level of commitment? And yet many of you don't even know how to establish commitment. Many of you don't even know the right questions to ask to determine if this person is capable of leaning into commitment. So guess what? You're naturally going to be dating a significant pool of those spenders I talk about. And guess what happens with spenders?  But remember I talked about before the good, the bad starts to outweigh the good of what's happening in the relationship. These guys and gals tend to flake. So I want to lean into what are some of the reasons why a person starts to. Because when we think about it, when they stop pursuing and they stop chasing, they're really pulling back, right? You've heard about this, why do men pull away? Why do men pull back? And please, please, please do not follow the rhetoric that says just lean back in your feminine energy when the guy pulls away because he's going to lean in and claim you.    So I want to better prepare you to be in a healthy happy relationship. This is one of the reasons why I recommend so many books so you can be better prepared to be in a relationship. But let's talk about those five things that make a guy stop chasing and pursuing you. All right, number one, this is the saddest one of all in some sense. He had like a deal. By the way, here's my notes. Okay. Okay. Someone better entered his life. That's right. Sadly, when when many of you are in casual relationships, that you don't have a real established goal of building something together. Remember, I talked about the growers and the builders. These are men who genuinely want to build something with you. When you're spent, when you're with a spender or a user, you do not have established partnership agreement to explore the deeper routes of trust that that make for a committed relationship. So the minute someone nice, you know, someone more attractive comes along, a man will start pulling away. But these days, since there's very little commitment established in the early stage of relationship, these happen usually very quickly. And what I mean to say quickly is that because dating today has very little real commitment to the process of getting to know someone. Let me let me see if I have my book. If the Buddha dated up here, where's my if the Buddha dated somewhere here. Here it is. Sorry, my new bookshelf here.    Those are the relationships you probably don't want to be in long term. If I was going to recommend an empowerment book, I highly recommend the book. If why men love bitches, here we go.  Yes, because those women typically don't lose men to a man chasing someone else. I'm here to encourage an empowered way to approach the dating process. And yet sadly, many of you are struggling on the inside because you have childhood wounds and traumas, child and wounds and traumas that need healing. This is why I'm going to grab one more book out of my bookshelf today. I highly recommend I highly recommend reading the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing those childhood wounds and traumas. So you don't have to find yourself in a position that he's looking for someone better. Believe me, those empowered women, those women who have done the inner work, the women who stand up for themselves as a babe in total control of themselves. They tend to don't lose men to them finding someone else. Okay, that's number one.  Now what made me think of this is Amber Heard. And if many of you follow the Amber Heard, Johnny Debtrials, and he was no picnic either. But I'm here to say is there might be that person that gets constantly triggered by what's happening in this person's life or the, let's talk about the guy's life. They're constantly triggered. And I've had men, I've had men tell me repeatedly they're in relationships with women who are constantly triggered, not accepting the man for who he is. And those triggers turn into a confrontation in the relationship. Now I will suspect that one of the challenges women face with men is that men tend to be more emotionally stoic and men, in some cases men are emotionally constipated. What I mean to say is they don't have the emotional skills to articulate their feelings in a way that makes you see, that makes you feel seen, heard and understood. In fact, I kind of think about it this way. Your desire of emotional desire from him is here. His capability is here. And that space in between is called drama. And drama is one of the primary reasons why a guy starts to slowly pull away. The bad starts to outweigh the good that was established in the beginning of the relationship. Drama is a tough one. You know? And what I'm here to say is a lot of women don't realize that their own individual triggers cause a man to push him away. It's those triggers of fear usually. Here's the thing. Oh, by the way, where's my other book? Oh, my sweetheart pulled it out for me. I'm only recommending this book for a moment. It's called How to Make Love All the Time by Barbara DeAngelis. Why I'm bringing up this book in this moment in relationship to drama is I'm here to encourage a more conscious way of approaching the dating process by building trust right from the early stages. So if you're physically intimate with each other, that's to a time to establish this level of trust and commitment and intimacy with each other. So you don't find yourself in this position of I need you to love me to feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. Sadly, we are suckling on the nipple here in the United States of a constant need of validation. Now, I can speak personally. I'm a little insecure in this way. I probably need a little bit more validation than my partner does. And yet one of the things we do is we talk about some of our triggers. If at least you can discuss them in a more conscious way, you're less likely to have a man stop chasing or stop putting effort into you. Okay. Number three.  Many of you men and women out there have established a relationship built on a trauma bond between the two of you. He's got some emotional trauma bond going on. You have an emotional trauma bond going or excuse me, you have an emotional trauma going on. He has an emotional trauma going on. You bond it together and what's happening is you're reliving a trauma bonding cycle with one another.  Number three. He's a spender and he doesn't see the relationship going anywhere. I talked about those men that are the spenders in the relationship. This is those of the men that because they don't have a conscious level of commitment established in their desire with a partner, they just want to spend time with someone, that companionship, that connection and sex that they almost enter into a relationship knowing that it's going to end because they're just killing time with you. I was talking to someone the other day who said that during COVID they entered into a relationship with somebody knowing that it was short-lived because it was just companionship in that moment. A lot of people during COVID had what I call companionship relationships. These weren't long-lived relations these weren't relationships that were going for the long-term and so what ended up happening is those relationships end up fading out. So again, coming back to in the beginning of the dating process it's all good because you're driven by that chemistry and that lust and that limerence. Limerence is this extreme infatuation. Lust is that desire to want physical sexual connection with someone but as soon as that the other emotional side doesn't get fulfilled these relationships tend to fade and as I said earlier men tend to pull back and stop chasing and pursuing. Number four his life is in chaos.  They've got a contentious X that they're dealing with. Maybe they had problematic children maybe they have covert incest with one of their children.  Okay maybe he's got issues at work maybe he's got health issues. Now speaking as a person that's a tail end baby boomer gen Xer medical issues are going to be prevalent for those of us in that age bracket but these are more the truth for men and women alike the more complicated a person's life you see here's the thing it's not that people that have melt health issues or contentious X or problems with work or problems with family members or whatnot aren't deserving of a relationship. The real question is do they have a strong enough foundation underneath them to build the layers of trust and commitment of an intimacy to actually build that house called committed relationship. And the weaker the ground underneath them the harder it is for them to establish relationships. So number four their life is in chaos they're not keep how many ladies have experienced the following you met a great guy you're having a good time you're on your 10th or 11th date you've been having sex with each other and all of a sudden he pulls the you know I'm not ready for a relationship card now it could be because of you but it could be a lot of times they they throw their life under the bus and maybe if you ask better questions again schedule a discovery call with me ask better questions right from the get go you would avoid those men who are going to bail early on and lastly number five he's insecure and he doesn't feel you love him that's right there's a significant percentage of men who are as much as you guys go Jonathan I want that confident man that's going to sweep me off my feet well a lot of guys might seem that way right from the beginning but at the end of the day there is a lot of men and I'm going to raise my hand in this this category that can be insecure I have I'm riddled with insecurities and sometimes I have felt in previous dating experience that the person didn't like me or love me enough for me to make that investment this is the problem with so many people actively dating today without a level of purpose allow a lack of level of intentionality and sadly we're dealing with a huge population that lack emotional maturity and relationship skills by the way if you haven't seen this chart it's not a fact it's merely an opinion I believe roughly 20% of the population is actively dating as clinical emotional health issues that doesn't mean they're not capable of being in a relationship but it makes it harder for them that foundation and will I say 20% have good relationship skills the vast majority are dysfunctional it's taken me over a decade to learn all of the terminology and all the little tools to be able to navigate conflict and relationship and so few people actually know how to do that so what's the antidote to all of this folks all right many of you know I'm going to start off by pitching my book right there is right behind me is my book right there but my book is what the heck is self love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work by the way there's a link below to get all the books I recommend while I'm recommending my book along with something even more critically important is is understanding that good communication skills is developed over time just because women have a propensity to express their emotions doesn't mean they're expressing it in a healthy way in fact if you're not familiar with the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg I highly recommend checking this out folks many of you have this many women as well as men have this fantasy that they're actually good at being in a relationship I'm here to say your job in dating is one goal is to determine if this person is right for me and is this person capable well actually I said one goal I mean this inclusively in this goal are they right for me and are they capable of actually leaning into a healthy happy relationship and yet most everybody is in the delusion that chemistry equals relationship success and then no wonder it's a cluster fuck out there so what's the antidote to all this start with personal development start with the inner work start with dating yourself so you can be in a position that whether you find a relationship or not you are so feeling empowered within yourself that it doesn't matter if a man or woman enters your life and what happens when you reach that tipping point when you feel so good about yourself that's usually when the magic happens so that's my invitation for all of you is this sinking in is this resonating please let me know give me a thumbs up please share this video please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new to watch you my content all right folks you know what this will be a great place to wrap up today I am so grateful for all of you that follow my work who told me that it's made a difference in their lives I am so beyond grateful for all of that I hope I have made a difference in your life if I have please hit that like button please share this video if you're brand new my channel please subscribe to my channel and if you'd like some help in your life check out the description below for the schedule a discovery call with me to get a copy of my book to follow me on Instagram or join my membership group that's all in the description below well I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video I hope you found value and if you did I'm going to send you off with a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm actually to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we can all use more love in our lives