ody's having fun. Are you, I feel like you're asking permission to fall off the wagon. No, no, but I do get the, is it Demsdale who's got from, you know, Hester Prince, persecutor in the Scarlet letter. I get why religious people are that way. If I can't have sex, if I can't have alcohol, if I, nobody can, I get that. Well, why can't you? I can't drink.  I'm a bad drinker.  I dribble, I spill, I pee my pants. Yeah. There, yeah, you can't drink. I can drink.  And I'm very detached from society. I'm literally walking, I always see myself as on the outside looking in. And I'm, because I'm a peeping Tom. And I, and I'm literally looking through the window of all these young people in a bar on a Saturday night drunk, rubbing up against each other. And I feel like Khatub, you know who Khatub was? I don't. Khatub was the Muslim prophet upon whom the Muslim brotherhood base their ideology. What's his name? Osama bin Laden, Red Khatub. He was an Egyptian theologian who spent time in Colorado Springs in the fifties of all places, Colorado Springs. And he saw in the fifties women wearing t-shirts and dancing. Yeah. And he thought this is shameful. And he created this version of Wahhabism where- Wow, misogyny is getting all kinds of new names. Yeah, which became this misogyny that Osama bin Laden, so they end up banging little boys. Well, there's a, I mean, there's a huge difference between not wanting a woman being shameful for wearing a t-shirt and men and women drinking.  I feel like Khatub. You are disgusted by the women, not the men. No, I get, I have gotten to the point because I read about Khatub and I think, oh, I can see how you get there because these women are having fun with everybody but me. Okay, so you recognize how horrendous that sounds. Of course. Okay, good, good, good. Because I don't, it doesn't sound like Khatub saw that that was a problem. No, he created, you know, these, these terrorists. So we have ISIS because of extreme FOMO? Because of Colorado Springs. Basically, some Muslim guy couldn't get late in Colorado Springs and women are being beheaded for dancing. God, can you, can you just imagine if Hitler got into art school?  Where, you never know, you just never know who you have to say yes to or the whole world will fall apart. Before I move on, if you were me. Oh God. Yeah. All right, hold on, let me finish this. On the outside looking and seeing everybody having a great time at a bar on a Saturday night or going to do comedy on a Saturday night. Well, nobody's having a good time if I'm doing comedy.  Why is that?  And me, I'm just going back to the hotel room. I'm going to watch Turner classic movies and I'm going to ruin their night. I'm going to go out there for an hour and I'm going to ruin their night. That's how much I just realized that you don't. That is pathological to a deep level. I don't know if we can master in a in a podcast, David. But I think I've just realized where my act comes from. You want to ruin people's. I've ruined people's nights. Why even write jokes then? I don't.   I want couples to go home.   Do you really want that? I think so. This is a bit. No, I think so. I can't tell. I want to ruin people's nights. In fact, in fact, I have said that to audiences. I remember bombing so badly. Is that what this podcast is? You want to ruin their mornings too? I say, you know what? You guys, I have another show and I'm getting paid and I just ruin your night. You have to pay for a babysitter and parking and you paid for a ticket. I won. I beat you guys. I ruined your night. I've actually said that to audiences. How did they respond to that? Well, they already hated me. So anyway, let's talk about masturbation. Great. It sounds like we just work. Masturbation. People are very uncomfortable talking about masturbation. Yeah. Including me. Yeah. So I want to talk to you about this. Okay. You are kind of like steering into the skid.  And it's a show. And by the way, it could not be done as a video. It has to be audio. Yeah, because people open up. Masturbation is theater of the mind. Yeah. Well, it is and it isn't. I think porn really kind of dissolves that it started as theater of the mind. And I think to an extent, porn does.  I don't think you understood what I was saying. Okay. When I mean theater of what I meant by saying theater of the mind is I masturbate about men who work in the theater. I have very gay fantasies. It's amazing. Okay, you're right. I totally didn't catch that. Go ahead. I'm sorry. I had to get that out of my system. No, that was getting it out of your system. I think is the is the point we're trying to get to. Yeah. So what you were saying that porn has changed? I think so. My co-host Chris would not agree with me. I think we're not always in line on how we view porn. Porn is like it's all there for you. You know, you can reach the point of our orgasm really quickly. I doubt there.  I think although we've had so many stories of people being incredibly young and masturbating and not knowing what they were doing and it just feels good and that sounds very animal to me. It doesn't sound mental at all. But definitely we evolved to a place where it becomes mental. Can you masturbate without touching yourself? Me personally, no, but I have a friend who can. Did you ever see the play bent? I haven't. It's about gay men in a concentration camp in Germany. Oh and just to, I think wet dreams are that. Oh yes, very good. Yeah. So yes, I don't, I don't, you wouldn't call it masturbation, but it is on that spectrum. Wow, you're absolutely right. It's an intense, let me just think about that for a second. A wet dream is an idea that's so powerful. You thought yourself to orgasm. You thought yourself to orgasm. But you, you didn't do it intentionally. So there is this, you know, level of, it's not quite masturbation. I feel like masturbation is an intent, but. On my honeymoon, my wife and I were in London, my ex-wife, and we went to see bent. And it's about homosexuals and concentration camps. And men are walking around with 12 inch penises. And my wife wanted to see it three times and I thought this is, I'm doomed here. No, and it's a really great play.   They freed the gypsies, the Jews, the Catholics, but the gays were, there were guys in 1969 that were homosexuals still serving time for Nuremberg violations. Anyway, there's a scene where these two guys talk to each other. They're, they're tied to a post. So they have no hands. So they just talk to each other and give each other org. I guess that's like phone sex, maybe. Yeah, but generally I think people are touching themselves on the other end of the phone. But yes, yeah. I've never had phone sex. It's not ideal. I can't. It could be fun. It's interesting. I, I, talking to somebody, hmm, I'm very square. So masturbation, let me ask you about this because you do two shows, Shaman and a show about masturbation, which I believe is intrinsically shameful. I think masturbation, my father used to say to me, masturbate me. No, he used to say masturbate. I can't, I can't help it. I'm sorry. It's just, it's a sickness. He used to say to me. Well, it sounds like your dad had the sickness. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. He would say to me when I was young, he says, you know, this is how you have babies. And then masturbation is very important. It's healthy. It's unhealthy not to masturbate. Yeah. That's a pretty good thing for a father to say. Sure, yeah. And I still found it shameful. Oh yeah, because it's not just about you and your dad.  If you have any religious upbringing that bears a heavy load. No pun intended. But is the act. And also because your dad doesn't, your dad's like, yeah, masturbate.  I'm sure you wouldn't encourage that. You know, all of a sudden your parents are having sex. You walk in the door, start jerking off. And we is like, oh, good job, son. So, but there is, what is it about masturbation that's shameful? And is that the same way linguistics, you know, you study language. We're born, we're beginning to believe that you're just born with a language skill. Are we born with shame for masturbation? I think we are. That is a great question. I don't know. I think, I mean, when I've talked to people who started masturbating at a really early age, long before anyone could even have a conversation about it, they said they knew there was something wrong with it. Now, whether or not that was just picked up from the environment socially anyway, like, you know, don't touch this or like, if your parents cover up in front of, you know, like clothing in general causes a sense of shame about your body, subliminally, maybe even if you don't say it. So it's impossible to know, but people do feel shame right away. I'm going to share something with you and this is the God's honest truth. Keep your pants on. Oh, okay. This is the God's honest truth. I, I, you haven't asked me to do this week in Jack and, and I would be honored if you asked me, but I have to say no. I would have to say no, but I will share with you. Damn it. We were going to find out about.  Really? That's, no. I was sitting here. I'm like, is this legal? So I, Because we're desperate to get a pedophile on our show. So I've been, I've been in therapy since I was 18. I went off to college and I went, I'm sick. I'm mentally, I got issues and I've just been checking in with a shrink ever since. And I've been through Freudian. You know, I've had the bearded guy on the couch and the tissue, the tissue paper for the tears. And so I remember my first time masturbating. Yeah. Which was watching the Dean Martin show. Dino. I wasn't masturbating to Dino. I hope not. I was masturbating to Frank. I'm not sick.  I don't know. I've never seen that show. Oh, Dean Martin had a very sexy man. No, no, Dean Martin had this show. And Dean, well, you know who Dean Martin was. Yes. Okay. Rat Pack, Fairy Hip, Tuxedo, Cigarette Whiskey. He was Hugh Hefner, writ large. And he had very large, as I understand. Yes. And he had the gold diggers. And these were blonde women in go-go boots and short skirts. And this was like the mid-70s. And I found myself, blah, blah, blah. And I had a shrink say to me, tell me about the gold diggers. Yeah. And I start describing the gold diggers. And he says, why do you think the gold diggers excited you so much? And at one point, an argument was made that the name the gold diggers was what was exciting me. Really? That I was turned on by women who were gold diggers who wanted money from me. Really? That financial domination is a real fetish that exists and more common than you'd think. So, and I, yeah, go on, tell me what that... There are men who like to be exploited for their money. I think there's probably multiple reasons for that.  But I think more often than not, there's a sense of inadequacy. And it's like, this is the only thing I'm good for. And that shame and humiliation is what is actually exciting. So, my shrink, and you are saying that I came of age sexually with the idea that the only way I could ever be in a heterosexual loving relationship that included semen and vagina would be if I were the provider. If I were... I mean, that's cultural too. That's not just, you know, that's very much how society is built. So, there was, you know, it was one of those things that I dismissed gold diggers. Because Freud was into puns and dreams. Sure. But this was, well, it was a dream, wasn't it?  I mean, a waking dream. Yeah. Hmm. So, I was turned on sexually by the idea of being exploited for money. That was my first sexual... That's interesting. And you say that's commonplace. Well, financial domination is less commonplace than just the feel.    I have one-third of that. Right. I'm the ugly guy. I just need a rich kid, rich kid. Rich chick. Oh, the rich chick. Oh, no, no, the poor chick. Okay. She just needs to be poorer than you, David. Yeah. And are the women like Melania? There's no way she could be turned on. I find him so disgusting.  But there's all types out there. Someone could like disgusting men. Someone could like being objectified or demeaned. So, for all we know, she likes that. We don't, I mean, I doubt it. She doesn't seem like a happy woman, but... Was he ever an attract? Was he ever a catch? I mean, he was a very rich, powerful man. There is an appeal to confidence and success. Looking through his pictures, I've never found him attractive. I don't find people who are born into money to be very attractive. I mean, it doesn't ruin it, but like, if you wait, if you lean so heavily on it, it's...  What do you bring to the table?  Let me push back on that. Okay. Let me push back on that.  Okay. And I think their disgust is more about what he represents than who he could be if he weren't... But he is him. He is him. Like, I think he's a spoiled brat who's used to getting his way, and that is him. He's got that horrendous hair. He can't be told no. He can't take any criticism.  Could you understand how I and a lot of men think that he... This is a part of me that says, wow, he's getting to live my adolescent fantasy. Oh, of course. Of course I get that. He's the president.  And so even though you give up on that dream because it's not true, you know, you think in your head, if only I did this, if only I did this, and he did it. Right. And because I'm a product of the 60s and the 70s, coming of age in the 70s, I at one point in my development thought, well, if I'm rich and successful, if I become famous as a comedian, then every woman will want to be with me. I think so. Many comedians get into that. And is that true? There are women who are definitely turned on by talent. There's the power of being on the stage, controlling an audience.  Marilyn Monroe, maybe, or maybe not, or Mae West, someone like, if you if you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.  Well, then maybe, okay, there are limitations. Okay, so. Although, I tend to find that that's not so much funny as sad. If you could make a cry, can you get her to do anything? By the way, I worked out a new bit when we were working together the other night. The whole thing about, I don't know if you were aware about the, when did they discontinue the vaginal orgasm? Did you hear that bit? I did hear that bit. And I was really, I think you kind of, because I knew you were watching and I kind of, I said, you know, I'm new to the dating scene now. And they've, apparently they've discontinued the vaginal orgasm, which was great, you know, it was just me coming and the woman saying, that's okay, maybe tomorrow. Yeah, I mean, so somebody like Jim Carrey or Robin or Rodney or Jerry Seinfeld, my fantasy was always, well, all I have to do is become them. And then it's everything, it's pure happiness, but that's a lie. Oh, of course. And women know that, right? Women know that those men aren't supermen? Yeah. Is that what, is that what you mean? Yeah. Some do, some don't. I see girls hitting on guys who like hang out at the open mics, you know, and they're infatuated with it. If you were funny at an open mic, even if you have no money and no fame, absolutely. Because when I started out, there were women who were turned on by open micers, but comedy was new back then. Yeah, I guess the point I'm trying to make is you're like, do women know this is bullshit? Not all women, you know. Some of us have, some of us think, but not all of us, you know. There's delusional, if you're going to have a delusional man, there's going to be a delusional woman. And there's that classic scene in, I think it's Manhattan, and then it was stolen by Rob Reiner in when Harry met Sally, where Woody Allen and Billy Crystal in both movies run into their old girlfriend and she's with a bald guy who is unattractive. And they can't believe she's with this guy. That's interesting because I love both of those movies, and that was never my takeaway, was that he was bald and unattractive. Well, one of them was my friend actually in the, in the, when Harry met Sally, it's Kevin Rooney who's bald, but incredibly attractive. Yeah, I was like, I remember that man being handsome. Yeah, it's Kevin Rooney, and women find him incredibly attractive. In Manhattan, it's Wallace Sean. Oh, right. Who is not clinically attractive. At all. But could you find Wallace Sean attractive?   If he were a great lover. I mean, you'd have to get me there first. I'd have to find him attractive before you're selling me on him being a great lover. You would have to be physical. No, I'm saying like, I'm not going to find out he's a great lover before I decide he's attractive. So you would, but so, okay, for those of you who don't know who Wallace Sean is, go rent my dinner with Andre, which is a masterpiece. And it's just two guys having dinner together talking. And it's amazing that this movie was ever made. He is not classically handsome. He's squat and bald. He's kind of a whiny guy. Yeah, but I'm sure he get, I'm sure in his day he got laid. I don't know. Maybe he was married throughout his fame. But what advice? Okay, so you have your mother. Okay. You have a son. He looks like Wallace Sean. Oh, yeah, the world still is oyster. He's a man. So what would you, mommy, mommy, whiny, short and bald. Yeah. What do I do? What do I do? I want to date. So what do I do? I mean, this is Wallace Sean, though. He's a very bright, but he's 18. Talented person. I'm sure he was bright and talented then. Well, his father was the editor of The New Yorker. Okay, this is not a person, I bet, who had a lot of self-esteem issues. This was a person. I bet he did. I think he was raised, it sounds like he was raised in an intellectual home where intellect was prized. He also possessed it and women will always fall for intellect. He was also talented and in television. I have to, I would probably be like, they will find you attractive. Stephen Hawking. He cheated on his wife. Cheated on his wife.  Cheated on his wife. He blinked his way.  Of course. Is that culture or biology? I think the culture came from biology. The culture came from biology. I mean, it's evolutionarily sound. Who doesn't want to be with a smart person? They can take care of you and they're going to give you a smart baby. And what about men being attracted to smart women? Plenty of them do. It's not as, it's not a fabled story as much as they are attracted to beauty, especially because it's like, well, if I bring the intelligence, I don't need you to bring it also. But definitely, I mean, now so more than ever with the internet era, people are meeting just solely based on their intellectual. Sick was our culture when there were relationships between men and women, where the man was sexually turned on by a smart woman. I'm talking about like the 30s, the 40s, the 50s, where you're living in New York City and you are, your fetish is smart women. Why is that a fetish? Well, I'm just saying that's what you're turned on by. Okay. But yeah, but that doesn't sound like a fetish to me. Because like what? You can only come if she recites the dictionary? You know, I think people, smart people don't want to be bored. You know? Okay. So she's hot. You hear it all the time.  Intelligence is a permanent, permanently attractive quality. I would assume before the 70s, before women's liberation, before the 60s, before the female eunuch and Germaine Greer and Betty Friedan, I would assume that up until the 60s, a man was programmed to marry beauty as opposed to intelligence, and that if he was marrying intelligence, most I'm getting into trouble here. This is just how I don't know. I would assume, you know, Franklin Roosevelt married Eleanor. He was attracted, obviously, to a brilliant, to a brilliant mind. He was also a cripple. Who cheated. Right. But like, you know, he wasn't always the president at first. He was just a cripple and take, you know, but yeah, she was brilliant. She was brilliant. So he was turned on by that. Yeah. And that I think was an anomaly back then. For a powerful aristocrat, a blue blood, to gravitate to a plain spoken plain looking woman, people probably would say, what, what's the attraction? I think that's a fair statement back then. Don't you think men were programmed to look at women as to objectify them? I think they've never, women have never been as objectified as they are right now. Yep. Even like, if you take a look at pretty, not pretty women, little women, right? Yes, they were beautiful and they had to wear ribbons in their handball. But what else? They also had to recite poetry. They had to play the piano. They had to be masters of art. These are not beauty things. These are like, you need to be refined. You have to be intelligent. You have to be able to speak. You can't be embarrassing. These are intellectual qualities that women were taught to cultivate to attract men. Okay, that's interesting because they were separated from men, which gets back to what I said at the beginning of this show. Not just to attract men, but just to be a quality human. And men, of course, are attracted to quality humans. That, you know, the Orthodox Jews separate the men from the women. You pray in separate parts of the temple. I was told that I might want to consider sending my daughter to an all-girls school because when the studies have shown that girls get girly when they're around boys, I think, if I meant, I think your masturbation show is fantastic. But the show that personally that I shame on your other show that you do with another woman is, in my estimation, is way funnier, more powerful. You're in the zone, so you say that women now are more objectified, more sexual. Just in the sense that Instagram, all the modeling, you know, all the porn, like... Is that because we've mingled men and women too much? I don't think it's that. I think it's that they haven't been mingled enough.  I agree with you. Men have been in charge. They created an idealized version. You keep giving them money. You keep giving them power.   You know what I mean? She was a cute little thing. She's a very powerful woman right now, but she was... Did that playing the man's game, you know? She's the only one in the White House teetering around on heels. Okay, there's a lot to tease out here. You on this show said, I said something to the... We were talking about writing rooms, and I remember making a joke, and I said, what, you just want all the men removed from the writing room and just have... It just run by women. I was teasing you. I said, this was me playing a sexist. I said, you know, men built this business. What do you want? Is it... We just want to take it away from us and have women run it? And you said, yes. Yeah. Absolutely. See ya. Get out. Get out of the way. Yeah. And my daughter... I have a daughter who might agree with you, and I'm thinking well, if I were a woman, how would I feel? Or how would I think?  You would blow your brains out. No. If I were a woman, I would probably be 700 pounds just from self-philatio. Just... How do you think that's going to happen? A swing set? What? I would... I'm so trying hard to picture it even when... I would be face down in my crotch if I were a woman.  Tell me about it. That's what I said to the cop when he arrested me in the men's room at Minneapolis Airport. I mean, you don't even have that three inches of help. Wait a second. That wasn't a vagina? Yeah, so if I were a woman, I'd be... Yeah, I get that. Let's talk about... Did I interrupt you, by the way? I mean, I don't know. Well, I hope I did. I hope I did. Please tell me I interrupted you. Oh, wait. Well, I think, yeah, you did. You were like, should all men leave? And I was like, yes. And then you said that by interjecting yourself. Yes, and death to patriarchy. Yeah, absolutely. That's the question. So how do you kill the patriarchy? And I'm all for that. I think we have to start by killing all the men. We have enough sperm reserved to last us until we can scientifically clone the ones we like. Get out of here. We don't need you. I think that may be true. Yeah. And even like... I think women can have emotional relationships that are much more powerful with other women. I think this is just my understanding is that women really never needed men for an emotional connection. They can get that from a sister. I mean, this is silly. Obviously, men I think are completely capable of being emotional, thoughtful beings. I don't think there's some biological womaness that makes us... I don't know. Maybe we are more in tune, but I think men do have a capacity. Absolutely. But I don't think I could have an emotional connection with another man the way I could have an emotional connection with another woman. But I think a woman can have an emotional connection with another woman that is as intense as it is with a man. I think it's all possible. What you're suggesting is that gay men will never reach these emotional highs, which I think we all know is not true. Right. I'm saying a heterosexual man.  No, I'm talking about emotional connections. Right. Yeah. To have like...  It's okay. But I mean, you can have a friendship that's non-sexual with a woman. Yeah. Well, yeah, I'm learning that it's all fluid now. Does it have to be fluid? I mean, if it is, then it has to be. Can it be chunky? Can it be chunky? It probably is chunky. Probably get chunky over time. So... Is sexuality fluid? I mean, can't... Yes, I think.  What does that mean? I don't know. Like, can somebody be attracted to somebody of the same sex? Later today?  Okay. It's fluid. Oh, now we're... And I mean, now we're swimming in like a different water. You know, now it's like... It's theoretically... There's a biological need to come and you're just going to make that happen. But I think maybe it does prove the fluidity. You might be right. I mean, if I'm... It doesn't turn them off too much to come. Let's go. I did some research. I prepare... How are you doing? Oh, good. How are you doing? I'm great. Are you having fun? Yes. Okay. By the way, if you're enjoying this conversation, you should listen to Sorry I've Been So Busy. It's a podcast hosted by Matt Golditch. He writes late night. Do you want... You know, Matt? I do. And Andrew Goldstein and they interview interesting and funny friends to find out what they've actually been so busy doing that they can't call Andrew and Matt. That's funny. Yeah. So it's called Sorry I've Been So Busy. I did some people... Sounds like they've been too busy doing podcasts. Well, they're two funny guys and it's a great podcast. Sorry I've Been So Busy. So I did some research. Yes. About masturbation. Oh, great. Let's hear it. Okay. Yeah. Oh, sure. Quote on quote. I did research about masturbation. That's why all these porn tabs are open. You've done a... How many episodes about masturbation? We are nearing 200.  Yes. We're somewhere around 160. So, yeah. What is the most disturbing thing? Did you... Like the gold diggers not withstanding. Uh-huh. What was the most disturbing thing that you heard? Well, I don't know if it's... Did you ever feel like you had to alert the authorities? No, we desperately want somebody to alert the authorities on. We talk about pedophilia almost every episode just because it's... You know, if they're just masturbating, if they're not actually hurting children, are they? You know, we tend to feel that that's not even wrong. You can't help what turns you on. Oh, I'm sorry. You said what about... You said that if you fantasize about pedophilia... About children. Is that wrong? I don't think so. If you don't... I mean, I think acting on it is wrong. Taking advantage of a child is wrong. Obviously, hurting somebody. But if, you know, if you're just thinking about whatever you're thinking about, if you're just turning on the Disney channel and give me a break if they don't know that that's what's happening. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Disney is the biggest smut peddlers to pedophiles on the planet. Oh, my God! Stop!  I believe so. Oh, my God. What would you do if you were a pedophile and it's illegal to download porn? And here are these, you know, kids in makeup. Oh, my God! And like hot little outfits on TV. I mean, look at Miley Cyrus. Look at our hand in Montana. Oh, my God. You know, this... Before she was even 18, she's, you know, wearing... Oh, my God! You're horrified. But these are the realities. Well, no, but no, because there is... You're right. Hang on for one second. Hang on. Yes. I have to process this. You're right. There's something wrong with child actors to begin with. Absolutely. It's completely exploitative. If they can't make decisions for themselves, how are you going to... Like, those decisions to be famous are too big for them. But I mean, I was a kid. I wanted to be famous. I'm sure it's very exciting and fun. They start the world with lots of money, but... And all laws do not apply to Hollywood. In other words, it's against the law for a child to work. We outlawed that in the early 1900s. And yet? And yet, kids work in Hollywood. Absolutely. And not to mention, Hollywood is the biggest pedophile ring that there is in America. Some of these producers use that fame and power to steal children. And that's a reality. Yes, I've done several episodes about Amy Berg's documentary. And I always get the title wrong. So look up Amy Berg on... It's called Kidfuckers. Yes, that's right. I believe it's called A Known Secret. That's the name of the documentary. I've devoted episodes to this documentary. I have a block on the title. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous and innocent. But I do... I refuse to believe that this stuff actually goes on. It's just... I can't fathom. Yeah, it's horrendous to think about. I can't fathom. That's why they get away with it. You get the benefit of the doubt always. Sure, yeah. But yeah, so kids are allowed to work in Hollywood. The labor laws don't apply. Even though there are laws for child actors, even those are violated. Yes, so you were saying... You always talk about pedophilia on your show. It does come up. We do... We would like to get somebody who identifies as that to talk to us. How... But who would do that? Somebody, like a listener, might under, you know, not come in but maybe do a voice call, change the voice if they need to or want to. It can't be cured as I... I don't think it can. No. So even like chemical castrate... Nothing works. Well, chemical castration isn't a cure. It is a stop. It's just a full stop of sexuality. So I was at a party five years ago and there was a psychiatrist there. And they were drinking and I said... It was a female psychiatrist and I said, why do some people survive molestation and others don't?  And she said, that's a great question. And then she poured another drink and she said, nobody survives. It's just people have different coping mechanisms. They're wired to cope but nobody survives these things. And I said, well, what about cultural norms? Because if you read the symposium, Plato symposium, Plato says the highest form of love is between a man and a boy. So culturally in ancient Greek. Did he mean sexually or did he... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I said, was there trauma in ancient Greece? Because these boys supposedly were being molested.  A pedant is a teacher, right? Okay. And pedorast is somebody who molest...  That's an interesting... I didn't know that. That's my theory. I don't know my Greek roots. Well, I'm making... I make up a lot of crap. Oh, that's not true. I don't know if it's true. It's just my theory that the word pedant or pedant and pedorasty have the same origin. It comes from teachers. If pedant means teacher, I think that's a very interesting connection. Okay. So she said, I don't know. I don't know if these boys... But she did say the cycle continued when they grew up. They then... But I mean, yeah, that's evolution at its core, social evolution. Then she said, and then I looked it up because I knew you were coming on the show. Are you okay? You're looking... Oh, I feel like Alex was trying to get your attention. Oh, come in, Scott. Is that if Scott comes in early? Sure. You know Scott Rogowski? Hey, how are you? Yes, I do. Why don't you sit at the head of the table? We're talking about pedophiles. Come on in. I heard. Great. So the shrink said, Scott Rogowski from Running Late. Oh, how are we doing? You're early. Am I? I'm just making a pun on Running Late. Micah should be on your show. Yeah. I'd love to. Thanks for booking it, David. There we go. I hear manager here. That's what I do. I have no talent other than putting people together. Too bad I couldn't walk with you and your wife. Right, you cut right to the quick there. Yeah. You could. I sent it right back. Have you heard Micah's podcasts? No. They're amazing. On the show? No, she does two amazing podcasts. I don't listen to podcasts, David. You should listen to Shaman. I don't have time to even watch Breaking Bad. Is that still on the air? Shaman. Shaman. This Week in Jacken. He would be a great guest. This Week in Jacken, that I've heard of. That's you? That's me and Chris Laker. Yeah, Chris Laker. Yeah. He would be, I would love to know what he masturbates to. Yeah. Is that something? It's this right here, David. This podcasting table. Did Marty, Marty's your dad? Yeah. I love Marty. He loved him, too. His show. Have you seen Running Late? I know of it, but I actually haven't. I haven't watched an episode.  He came up with a genius concept.  He came up with a brilliant idea to do a talk show where his sidekick is his father. Great, yeah. And my daughter had told me about this. She said it's the funniest thing in the world because Scott is a good-looking, young, Jewish kid. One of my daughters said, yeah, he's very attractive. There's no way your daughter found this. Yeah, she knew about it. No way. She told, yes. And she said it's really funny because your daughter, why haven't we met? Believe me, you don't want to get near her. She'll just turn you against David. You don't need to much convincing. But what the genius, as my daughter explained it to me, was here's a good-looking, young guy trying to get laid and he's doing the dumbest thing imaginable, hosting a show with his goofy father, which is kind of like the turnoff because Marty reveals what you're going to look like. He's a good-looking guy. Yeah, come on. That's not the hard part. The hard part is when I invite girls to the show inevitably and they have to meet my dad or they're sitting next to my mom in the audience or something. So that's always tricky. So I don't invite girls to my shows anymore. I was going to get to something and it's really delicious, so I want to get to that in a second. Could you be turned off, Mike? Yes. Could you, let me first ask the question.  Could you find a guy really attractive and then you meet the mother and father and it just... It doesn't help. But no, I think if I found someone like legitimately attractive, the sins of the father are not the sins of though. Is that... I don't know, what is that? The crayon? The apple doesn't fall far. Right. Would I be worried that they'd turn out like their parents? Yeah. I mean, I think that's silly, yeah. And there was a girl in high school who had the hottest mom and she was not bad looking herself, but I always thought that's the one you go for. You got to go for the one with the hot mom because you know what they're going to look like later and they're going to age well. And then she tells you she's adopted. No, and then she got married to someone else. But that's how it goes with me. Could you fall in love with a girl?  The mom did time. I mean, I've dated women in prison, so I don't mind that. You know, look, yeah.  And I was like, I don't want to hang out with this guy. I mean, and where, you know. You dumped her over that guy? Well, I didn't dump. It was a very early in the relationship kind of thing. And we went on a few dates and one of the dates was like this dinner with brothers and friends and things. I was like, oh my God, I don't want to be part of this family. So no, I do look at the family to be honest. And then on the other coin, I was dating a girl for off and off for three years. And I was, you know, very serious about her. She never introduced me to her parents. And I took a front to that.  So that was that bothered me. I have a great question that I'm very curious about. And Alex, I okay, I want to Alex to answer this. Okay, I grew up. I was ashamed of my parents. I don't know why, but I was ashamed of my parents. And I decided Julius and Ethel. Yes, the secrets that they gave to the Russians for the atomic bomb. And they didn't make money off it. Right. I was so ashamed that my, I was Julius and Ethel Rosenberg's kid. And they're about to go to the chair and I go, mom, dad, where's the money? Where's the money? And they said it was for ethical reasons that they wanted the Russians to have them. I am so ashamed. So that, by the way, that's the audience, just except for Jonathan Alper, who's listening, everybody else just switched over to this weekend jacking. Okay, so I made it a point that my kids were going, I was going to have, I was going to be the coolest dad that I decided. Oh God, there's nothing, there's nothing less cool than that decision. Yeah. And I literally would come downstairs and the teenagers would be there. Just ripping guitar solos in your bathrobe with sunglasses on. You want to smoke a 2B? And I was doing more of Tom Cruise and Risky business. In my underwear, I would just air guitar. And the authorities were contact. Apparently it's against the law to play Bob Seager music in front of young kids. It should be illegal everywhere. But yeah, me and my underwear sliding across the floor. So I used to declare that I am the coolest father. No, no. I would literally go, I've been on MTV several times. I would show them me on MTV. I go, look, and I would take my kids to comedy clubs. And when I was opening or working with great people, I would take them. I go, am I the coolest? And they found a way to be ashamed of me. Yeah, this is, I'm embarrassed listening to this. Really? Yes. It'd only be worse if you just as fell to the clown. And through birthday parties, I like capturing the freemids. Capturing the felmets would have been a nice. I think shame of your parents. I've already said that I masturbate. She asked me what I masturbate to. And I said the movie capturing the freemids. I let the record show I did not ask. She walked in on me. Which is kind of like asking. Oh, I love this movie. Oh, God! This podcast should be called capturing the freemids. So this is my theory. And then I want to ask you, and I know you have cool parents. I know that Alex Brazell, like if you want to be raised, I know. And they made a cool kid out of them. They made a cool kid. I think shame, which is shame on. We're going to talk about shame in a second. I think it's taught. You have to be. And I think my kids picked up the shame from their friends. And they projected it on to me.  No, I. Come on. You will find any excuse for it to not be your fault. I think all. You are desperate for them to find you cool. There's nothing less cool than being desperate for that.  You want us to believe you're cool. This little beanie you're wearing and Warby Parker's. Oh, it's so. You're getting so close to death. Let it go. Were you okay? But he's dealing. He's dealing with the ultimate shame to me. There's no way I could ever get laid if I had my mother and father around. Because you're not cool. Yeah, you have to find a way to be charming about it and it's endearing. People love my dad on stage. They love the dynamic we have. And I can't scientifically prove it's gotten me laid. But you know, when people. You're not ashamed of your dad. I'm not ashamed of him. No, otherwise I wouldn't invite him on stage with me. But isn't that what makes it so funny is that every son is ashamed of his father? I don't know. I'm so proud of my dad. My dad is like the ultimate pinnacle of the human being that I would like to be in one one hand. But on the other hand, he's like the least cool guy out there. And that's that's what makes it funny.  This is true.  He has constituents. He doesn't have friends. So he treats everyone like a constituent. Even me growing up, you know, what do you think of the sewer policies? I mean, he has been the same. Make me hand out pamphlets. His father is the president of the temple. Now he's the president of the temple. So he's always, you know, he just he loves public service. He likes serving the people. And God bless him. And he's a wonderful father. But in terms of connecting in a real way, having authentic moments, bonding over music, television, movies, it's very hard to do. The arts are sort of a blind spot for him. But it sounds like that's what a Jewish husband is.  I mean, he's basically a shut-in, you know.  I mean, the two of them have been married for 34 years, 35 years. And raised two great kids. That's probably why my parents got divorced. My dad was too cool. That's a thing. Cool people are dangerous, but you don't want to be cool. What I have tried to explain to women is that Jewish, the reason Jewish men make great husbands, the cliche is they make great husbands because they're basically agoraphobics. And agoraphobia means fear of the marketplace. And Jewish men don't want to go shopping. They want to stay home because if you go shopping, you're spending money. So a good Jewish man, a good Jewish husband doesn't cheat because it's a way. It's a waste of money. I mean, does it cost benefit analysis? Right.  I have to, but you have to. A good Jewish husband stays home and he reads. And that is how I defend myself to women. I just kind of want to read and have sex. Yeah. You don't even brag to them about the times you were on MTV. You don't show them old clips. Is that a really unattractive trait to brag? No, no, to just because I'm like, I'm like your dad. Yeah, you would have. You would have been a great.  Motherfucker. If there were, I always wonder like what I look at my other my friends, Dad's growing up and I would always compare myself to my friend, my friend's parents.  And now Harry's like in the looney bin. But, you know, I mean, it's when you're younger, you think those guys are cool. Is there anything attractive about a man who just wants to talk, go out a little, but basically stay home and read? Sure. Why not? That's attractive. I mean, are these the only qualities of him? Or is he a three-dimensional person? I think I might be a one-dimensional person. He's a cardboard cutout. I think you have to look at the Tinder bios.  Because that is every profile on these dating sites.  I mean, you, But you're saying this guy, you never wants to go out. Well, I do. I just want to figure out why. Why? You want to go out? Is it going to be noisy? Oh, all right, stop. No, but I'm with you. I'm with you in some respect. I've sort of lost interest in, I mean, going out, you know, very rarely will I go. I went to a bachelor party last month, a Montreal. And this was the first time. So did I. I was like, well, I'm a stripper, but go ahead. You and my mother was the stripper at my bachelor party. That explains everything. So much. Mostly about how cheap you are. No, she cleaned up afterward in tips. Ma, what are you doing in there, Ma? You said to bring the kogel. Howie Greenberg.  I know you. What are you doing in that room with my mom? What do you mean? What do you mean he's a VIP, Ma? Go ahead. Sorry. No, but I was at the special party and you are you are you looking at me like this? Just let him tell a story. But my point is I was out for the first time in a long really out and going to these clubs, you know, spending bottling bottle service. I've never done that before in my life.  What's bottle service?  Because that's a strip joint. No, this is just a nightclub kind of situation. They have these dinner clubs that become after about 1130, they move the tables to the side and becomes a club. So I'm I'm kind of instead of going to the bar paying for one drink at a time, you lay your own table in the back of the room. It's private. You have somewhere to sit most nightclubs. You can't sit down and let them stay home. Well, that's my point. I mean, it's to me it was fun for that one night. But you know, people do that every weekend and I just don't see the point of it. I mean, it's first of all, I can't afford it. You really mean it's absurdly expensive to go out that in that in that fashion. But even though I'm not a big drinker. So to me going to a bar has like very little appeal to me. You sound like David. Yeah. No, I'm married. Scott, you and me. I think this has all been leaning at this moment. You mean an older man in my life. I do. This could be a stay home and read Calvin Klein situation. Yeah. And you'll be my nephew. We'll go out in public. It's my nephew. He's living with me. I actually did have my nephew living with me. I did. And you guys watched capturing the freedoms together. And I would be, you know, I'm divorced and there aren't many, there aren't that many women going in and out of my apartment. It's suddenly my nephew is living. So I found myself saying to the neighbors, this is my nephew, last name Feldman. Oh, God. That sounds so suspicious. And I just had a powerful insight. I think David can stop doing the podcast if you just get them late one night, just once.  Right. Let me. Hopefully all quick comedy too. So the psychiatrist who I met at the party. Yes. Said about trauma of molestation. She said there actually is a tribe in New Guinea where there doesn't seem to be any trauma associated with their ritualized abuse. And I looked it up because I had this conversation with her about five years ago. So I looked this up. They're called the Sambias and they were discovered by an American anthropologist named Gilbert Hurt. Clipendorf, I thought it was going to be. Gilbert Clipendorf. Clipendorf's tribe. This is not a Richard Dreyfus movie from 1995. Okay, forget it. No. And as I'm reading this, I have a theory as I'm reading this. He's a cultural anthropologist, Gilbert Hurt. And he studied ritualized homosexuality among the Sambia people of New Guinea. They believe that semen is sacred and they practice semen ingestion with pubescent boys. It's a rite of passage. They believe that a pubescent boy's semen is like mother's milk and must be nurtured. And they are against masturbation. They think masturbation wastes the milk. Yeah. So they store it and make butter and cheese? I mean, what are they? They believe that semen is more powerful than milk and they have a ritual in which the older men fillate the younger boys and they ingest the semen for strength the same way when they were babies, these same men would take their mother's milk. And here's my theory about this as I'm going over this.  I think he got caught with a young boy and he invented the Sambia people. I mean, I was going to say, this seems like just an excuse that these elder tribesmen made up hundreds of years ago.  Right. You know? Like moils. The way the moils do. I mean, talk about that.  Not one of them. When it becomes part of the culture in grain, usually this is what you have to do. Are they humiliated for being straight? Yeah. So when you say sexuality is fluid. Okay. Yeah, that was my term. Oh, okay. Yes. Well, no, they say sexuality is fluid. Yes. Is isn't they're talking about the semen, right? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't like, isn't it also like when in New Guinea, I mean, in other words, if you're on an island where they're all fileting young boys, is that to fit in, is that what fluidity? I mean, that's what Thailand's for, I thought. No.  But let's find out. Let's get on a plate. But is that part of the culture too there? Like the fact that, I mean, I don't know. Well, I suspect that's catering to American things. Or European or rich people's tastes. Yeah. Freud says that human beings are polymorphously perverse. And that you need culture to dictate what is right and what is wrong. Is it wrong for a culture to dictate sexual norms?  Who knows? But I mean, like that.  I mean, that is the question. Because yeah, if you're going to dictate, you can't do BDSM. You can't tie people up. Let's just say, you know, well, well, people are going to object to that even though that's not really hurting, you know, disadvantaged people.  All right, we're drawing the line clearly at that point.   I don't even want to go there. And by the way, I'm going to tell you something because I'm in denial about this stuff. I was told before the internet, this is what I was told. Don't tell anybody. That's what I was told. No, Alex Bennett, a friend of mine, one of the guy invented a form of radio that in many ways I'm doing now, but not as well.  This was what he, you know, and he was good friends with Al Goldstein, the publisher of Screw Magazine. And they maintained that pedophilia was invented by the FBI. Oh, please. This is what I was told.  Yeah, but this is what I was told by Al Goldstein from Screw Magazine. The criminal aspect of pedophilia, making it a... That there was no such thing as child porn, that it was invented by the FBI to frame people. That there was something that could plant on people to ruin their lives.  But when did it... I mean, in Victorian era, England, was it a taboo? At what point did it become... Yeah, I don't know these things. I'm sure there's some book about it, but when did the idea of child porn and pedophilia become so outrageous and unacceptable? Do we know? I don't know. I mean, I just blocked this stuff out. It's just so unimaginable. It didn't even really exist in the 80s. I don't know if you guys saw that Netflix documentary. Where is Josh something?  And the police, it never even occurred to them that that could have happened to him. They were like, he must have run away. Two weeks go by. They're like, no. Someone... They were like, well, who would take a kid? It wasn't even in the sphere. And that was the 80s. Wasn't even in the sphere. Well, we had an author of a book about the McMartin preschool. And I don't want to go down this road, but because pedophilia does exist, we know what's going on in Hollywood. At the same time, we also know that the McMartin preschool was hysteria about satanic worship and pedophilia. And then it turned out that these were psychologists forcing kids to say they were molested. So it's very complicated. The thing that reason I bring this up is this WikiLeaks drop. Now we're learning that the CIA can listen to you. If you have a Samsung television, did you read about this? Yeah, briefly. They can never buy Samsung. I mean, I'm an Apple oil. If you have a Samsung, the NSA is listening to you. And now with self-driving cars. Yeah, it's terrifying. I have an Amazon Echo. You know, I'm probably on 50 lists. What is to stop the NSA and the FBI from doing what they've been doing since the dawn of our national security state planting evidence on your computer? You know how easy it is to plant evidence on your computer? That's at least what I told my wife. I feel like you're building a case here. Honey, let's get back to masturbation. In 1838, Jean Escarol, he was a doctor. He wrote, I'm going to pardon my French accent, Daze Malady's Mentalies to the Mental Illnesses. In 1838, Jean Escarol wrote what at that time was the definitive encyclopedia of mental illness. And he said, quote, masturbation is recognized in all countries and all cultures as insanity. That masturbation was an act of insanity. And Dr. John Harvey Kellogg and the Reverend Sylvester Graham, at the time, they came up with remedies to prevent masturbation. They suggested even... That's how those flakes got frosted. I don't know if Dr. Kellogg, though I think that might have been a different Kellogg. I believe it, I think it was the same Kellogg. Dr. Kellogg, yeah, the guy who's created Kellogg's, the guy invented cereal was a medical doctor. He was a medical doctor creating fixing maladies. I think this is the connection. Can you look that up? And then Reverend Graham probably invented the graham cracker, which were to cure masturbate. Let's look that up. There is not a snack on the market that wasn't invented to cure.  That way you get caught orange dicked.   Can you look at it? And he goes, well, before I look at your orange penis, just tell me, has anything changed? No, I'm doing the same thing I always do, just watching television eating Cheetos. Just watching television eating Cheetos. That's an old joke, huh? That's an old joke. From like the 30s? Well, I don't know. When was Cheetos, when was Cheetos dust invented? So part of the cures for masturbation, electric shock therapy, restraining devices like chastity belts, straight jackets, quarterization, or the surgical excision of the genitals. This was in the late 19th century, almost 120 years ago, masturbation was something that had to be prayed away and cured. They would cauterize your genitals. I feel like that could solve a lot of problems. But it's just, it's voluntary.  Some people. Doctor, I can't, I mean, that's insane to me that they would go to the lengths of cauterization. Just doctor, how about tying your hands?  Hang on, I think I have a joke. Doctor, I can't stop masturbating.  Oh, Jesus, David. So, no, but what's the, there's a joke. Doctor, I can't stop masturbating. Well, but what did they know? You're an expert. You do an entire show on this. If 120 years ago, Micah Fox, they were taking soldering irons to your genitals to stop you from masturbation. What did they know back then that we don't know? Some powerful BDSM tools. The original of Fifty Shades. What, because they must know something that... That is the dumbest argument, David. I know, thank you. They thought gravity, you know, have you read, you gotta read Chuck Kloserman's book, the title, they got the Tamai show. I just said Chuck Kloserman who wrote a book called What If We're Wrong about all the terrible wrong theories people have had over the years that have been... What if the earth really is flat? What did they know about sea monsters? I mean, when did psychiatrists... What do you know and when did you know it? What year did psychiatrists finally say masturbation wasn't sick? Oh, I don't know. I'm gonna say the 40s. When do you think... Is it the DSM? Yes, the... The Dumb Kloserman. Diagnostic and Statistic Manual. When do you think psychiatrists said officially? Oh, officially, I would say the 80s. Oh, very good. 1972. Really? When they said masturbation and homosexuality is not a sickness. She's 72. So people... If you went to a psychiatrist in the 60s and said my son is masturbating, they'd say... A lot of them would say he's sick. They'd say to Frankie Avalon or to Annette Funetelli. That is... Has he heard about the bird? It was... Here, I found it. It was a diagnosable psychological condition until 1968. In other words, you could be treated by a psychiatrist in 1968 because you were masturbating.  Yeah, Michelle Bachman's husband. One treated me at TGI Fridays the other night to a nice dinner and dancing afterwards. No, I don't think... They don't try to cure homosexuality in the psychiatric community. Not legally, like, yes, absolutely. But in the disbarred psychiatric community. A friend of mine in college, his parents sent him to a therapist. This was less than 10 years ago.  We were in this millennium. The millennium. Did it work? Did it take? No, of course not. Of course not. Yeah, yeah, it took. Now he... It took David Feldman's head shot to turn him off for men. Is there a cure? I asked this on my last show. Is there a cure for being straight? That's... Wouldn't it be better to be gay? Now that's a bumper sticker, David. The benefits to masturbation. Have you gone over this? They've done studies now. Oh, sure, yeah. It cures depression. This is what they're finding now. That it cures depression. Ruin sofas. Ruin sofas. That's why my mother had the plastic on the bag. Obviously. Now I see. Wait a second. My parents had plastic on the sofa and hard candy. They were bringing kids home to... Not the... Okay. This is what they... We are so close... We're so concerned. To an admission that is going to land you in jail. No. We're like... We're paper fed. There's a breakthrough here. Were you molested? No. No? No. Are you molesting? No. If I was going down on my uncle Arnie, I was molesting him. If I'm a six-year-old boy going down on my uncle Arnie... I say a word, old man.  Can you imagine? Don't you say a word, old man.  Now it says that masturbation... This is now... Because I think psychiatrists... You know, God bless the psychiatric community. And Lord knows I've kept them afloat for the past 50 years. But it says here that masturbation leads to a higher sense of self-esteem. That is... That could not be more wrong. Yeah. Go ahead. I mean, I... And I'd be happy to do your podcast because I could talk about this all day. But I have a very complicated relationship to masturbation stemming from high school or you know, pre-high school when I was... You know, I was very into it to the point. But it was... When you were in the 80s, it was big in the... Masturbation's big in the 80s. How old do you think I am? No, this is like Britney Spears' debut album, okay? This is like... She was a lot of people's debut album. Yeah. Yeah.  Anyway, but I... The Catholic girl after... Oh my God, yes. Baby, one more time. But she was underage. And four times a day. She was underage. So was I. So was he. So was he. Huh? So was he. So was I. Dave, I'm 32. But that's not legal. Of course it is. I told you and she was a Disney star. Bring it all back. I think a 15-year-old can masturbate to a 16-year-old. Any day. Any day of the week. But my point is, I would get so mad at myself. And I would really... I have journals that I used to keep back then. And I would rip into myself for masturbating. And for wasting time.  You know, I was trying to get my work done and everything. And I couldn't focus. And now you've completed your 10,000 hours to become a masturbate. Not a masturbate. Now I'm proficient. In Microsoft Word. That's Malcolm Happy Ending Well. That's right.  And I still have those. Although there's this weird Pavlovian response when I'm home. If I'm at my back of your hair in the house. And you know, they leave here. The car. I just boom. I might just go back to being 14 again. And I got a masturbate. That's hilarious. Did your father, I would assume Marty said to you there was no shame associated with masturbation. He never talked about that. We never talked about it. But I had terrible shame about it. And I really would excoriate myself. And you know, we can talk about this in your pocket. You still learned the word excoriate. You turned out all right. Yeah. I don't know. Okay. But I mean, I would spend hours. You know, I get the 20 tabs open at once and you know, it took longer back then before dial up or before the high speed. So, you know, when I was a kid, I had to imagine the internet. I had to imagine the internet. He looked at the constellations and jerked off to the pleiades. Wait a second. Hang on for one second. Wait a minute. That's a great joke. You're welcome. That is. You imagine Gemini on doing Orion's belt. You should do that. Micah, you should do that here. Does anybody do a joke about that? That I had to imagine the internet? That's a good joke. It's good. That is good. Alex, that is the point of this podcast, right? The degenerate material. Alex, does anybody do a joke like that? It's to talk him out of his own material.  I had to imagine internet porn. Yeah, when I was a kid, we didn't have internet porn.  You masturbated the domain registrations. So, it's intrinsically shameful. Here's a guy who just knew. How does it help your self-esteem? Oh, yeah. So, what else are these psychologists getting wrong?  Your wasted potential. My fulfilled potential. I'm like, wow, at some point, I knew of a geometry. I masturbate to my YouTube clips. Excellent crowd work. Follower accounts. You know, men talk about masturbation. I'm going to go rub one out. It's like taking care of business. It's like maintenance. Sucking the poison out. It's trimming nose hairs, basically. Women don't. No, I think because for women, masturbation is so much less talked about. It's so much stranger. You have to do a lot more self-discovery to figure things out that by the time you're masturbating as a woman, it's like a moment. What do you mean?  Oh, you sell that Britney Spears video. Oh, hey, you want to borrow my older brother's porn? I stole and you swap porn. And there's not every guy, but there's a level of communication about it that women, I found talking to a lot of them, don't really have. It's sort of a more quiet thing. Not every girl masturbates, too. There's less of a conversation until you're older. If you're going for it, it's just like, you take your time. You have your moment. It's not. Do women have multiple orgasms when they're masturbating?  If they're thinking of me, they are.  Depends on the woman. I know Esther Koo has her own podcast that starts with the sound of her masturbating.  Can't stop because she can have multiple orgasms. And so she has lost days to this. Wow, really? Yeah. This is her episode of our podcast. She goes into great lost days to it because she can make herself come so many times in a row. Does she need a man at that point? I mean, does she? She doesn't need one. I mean, but, you know, she has it. Is it better with a man or is it different? I imagine it's, she's come so easily that it's fine no matter what. Sign me up. If you, well, if there were, if you could just be coming. She says it's a problem. She has, she's a comedian. She has ambitions and goals. She's a comedian. Hey. I mean, you're not wrong.  Well, that's one way to do it. Actually, you got to take a shower. I mean, just she does have a podcast where she talks about it. It's very popular. I eat. There's a sense where it does help repair rent. Well, if you were, she's just filming. I mean, if she were to, I mean, if she didn't need to work, could she just be coming all day? No, you got to refuel. You need fluids. You need food. Desiccate yourself.  I'm, you know, it's like eating a great meal or at a great restaurant. And, you know, you can't do that every night. You can't have the best slice of pizza you've ever had every night. Because then it loses its appeal, loses its magic. You know, it's like drugs too. You get that first time you do a drug at that incredible high, and you spend the rest of your life chasing that. So, you know, I, if I could come that easily, or if I could come every, I would, I would do my darndest to avoid doing that. Because at some point, yeah, I have to manage, she just loses the feeling and becomes numb to it. But, but how can an orgasm, I mean, I know that they're... If you wait, I waited six days recently between, between ejaculations, and it was incredible. I know. Just six days. Alex is like screaming over there. Just six days. Imagine six months. Imagine, I mean, I'm hearing a lot of talk about people like re-virginizing themselves these days and going on celibacy vows. Yeah, Chrissy Teigen and what's his dick? They didn't fucking, once they got engaged until they got married, and then, you know, post it all night. I'll tell you how intense it is if you wait six months. I waited six months. I did. Without ejaculating. Without ejaculating. Six months. And when I finally ejaculate, Here comes the joke. I actually hit a guy and coach in the eye. In the eye. All the way from first class. Oh my God. All the way back into coach. I hit the guy in the eye. Did you tell that story to your children? No. I didn't want them to know I flew first class. That's the thing that happens.   You got to.  The Merck manual says 97% of men and 80% of women have masturbated.  Am I right? Yeah. Or the Merckin manual. Who do you think masturbates more? Males or females? I mean, I would have to guess men. But more like more times a day or more like percentage of the population. Percentage of the population. Oh, still probably men. It's just right there. And it's more socially acceptable. And now I interviewed Professor Lisa Wade. She wrote a book called Hooking Up.  And I think it was a great interview. But I think you can say anything about sex. It's hard to prove. Sure. Especially masturbation because, you know, who's going to tell the truth? Who's going to tell the truth? But she says that men in college, the studies show, are more into an emotional connection than women are. Really? I don't believe that. Yeah, but how do you even prove that? Well, that's what the studies have shown. Studies. I mean, I don't even know where to begin to quantify that. What's the point of these studies? I don't understand because everyone is so different. To look at men and women in these groups, what are we learning about that? Because then you run into people go, well, I'm not like that. So they had these studies speak. Now you have people have these preconceived notions about the other sex. Yeah. And they just, they dump it all on them. They project it on them. It's like, no, we're all wildly different, especially when it comes to sexuality. You can't possibly, it's just a pointless survey. Well, all this talk about sex, the elephant in the room, is we are highly sexualized, but not having sex.  Why are we walking around with our clothes on? I wonder that all the time.  Right now, but I kind of thought these thoughts in high schools, like, what if we just all walked around naked and, you know, we just had sex whenever you wanted. But why do you think Americans, why are Americans having less sex? Married couples are having less sex.  And yet it's all we talk about. It's because we're having more Instagram and more Snapchat. I mean, I just think people have become so self-informed that they rather post a selfie of them with a latte design. Right. Like, than have sex. I mean, to some people, that's more important now. Well, yeah, getting those likes definitely releases oxytocin, you know, so if you're getting a steady, low stream of it, why do you need the big burst of it later? And if you could post nudity on Instagram, I think we'd see more sex. So you're saying that people are masturbating more than having sex. I think that's true. I know I meant like masturbating to the sense of like, to your own likes, not not even actually masturbating, but just getting likes is, is a high, you know, you don't, and you don't, there's no real rejection in there. Okay. I don't like to judge, but I'm going to judge. And I, I, I'm going to let you rule. Huh? Yeah, I don't like that. I'm not very judgmental. Except for every minute of my life. I'm not judgmental. In fact, of all the people I know, I am the least judgmental.  So masturbation, this is what the Merck manual says. More like Merck and manual.  I wish I can get two hands on it. Choke up. Boy, they mean on the front, right? Just to keep it from coming out. I was, I choke up.  Not me, man. Okay. See. All right. Now I'm going to judge. Now I'm going to judge. But first I want Micah's opinion on this. Many men. This sounds like it's the beginning of a tongue twister.  Many men according to the Merck manual. Merck manual says many men masturbate by rubbing their nipples. Do not respond. Do not judge. Micah Fox. Yeah. A man with one hand on his shaft or his helmet rubbing his nipples. Yeah. Right or wrong. Yeah, absolutely. You think that's right. Oh yeah. What do you mean, right morally or right that happens? Wrong, wrong.  I don't know why people pretend that they're not. A man is not supposed, if they're, listen to me. If there are young kids listening. I don't feel it. You do not masturbate touching and rubbing your nipples. Oh God, if there are kids listening, stop listening. Don't listen, oh my God. Call 911. Like legally, you had to be allowed to talk to your children, but for God's sake. No, I mean this.   That is sick. No man should rub his nipples while masturbating. Especially a Jewish man. You've masturbated with one hand and balanced your checkbook with the other. That's how I was taught. In the animal kingdom, sexologist Havlock Ellis in 1927 wrote a book called Studies in the Psychology of Sex where he watched bulls, goats, sheep, camels and elephants. Well, I guess he wrote the book after his wife got him jerking off at the zoo.  Really? How? Well, frottage. Is it rubbing up again? Is this interesting? I think this is fascinating. I guess that's what those humps are for. Next on Planet Earth. He studied a goat. A goat. And a goat, he says, will blow himself. They do auto-philatia. How can a goat... I guess animals can reach their genitals better than we can. Probably. That's why goat's milk is so good for you. I'm surprised dogs don't.  They do. Do they come though? I don't know.  I've never seen... Because we've had a lot of dogs. I've seen dogs lick them. Oh, actually, of course they do. They hump their toys until they come. They do come. You've seen dog come? I personally haven't, but I know that that's a thing. I've never seen dog come. I've never seen dog come. I've never seen dog come. Now that I think about it, I've never seen dog come. I felt it inside of me, but I've never seen it. I'm fired from my own podcast. Alex just fired me. I've never seen... We must have had six dogs. I've never once seen dog come. I mean, I'll turn on my phone. We'll see it in five seconds. I don't even need to go to airplane mode. I'll just pull it up for my photographs. You want dog come?   I'll get you dog come by Tuesday 3 p.m. Here, this is what Havlock Ellis wrote about ferrets. If the bitch, that's what the annoying ferrets are called. That's what they call ferrets. When she's in heat and she cannot obtain another male ferret, she becomes ill. How ill? She begins to look for a smooth pebble. The ferrets will look for a smooth pebble or bam bam. Call 911. Daddy's having a stroke. No, okay. And then she uses the smooth pebble to masturbate with it. And then she no longer needs the male ferret. That doesn't sound ill at all. That sounds healthy. Well, before she finds the smooth pebble. Is it ill like Beastie Boy's ill? How are we using ill here? Ill communication? I don't know. What? You haven't rubbed a smooth pebble on your genitals before? I mean, jeez, don't judge so harshly here. Well. That's why they call it spelunking. And that's what the stalactites are. It's ancient sperm. Hot stone massage. Well, they say that cavemen, there are cave drawings of people masturbating. Really? And that they would draw... Actually, it's just like a handprint of semen. Do you think... Wait a second. Hang on for one second. I'm being serious now. Oh, no.  I had a feeling you were going in there. I am wondering, when was the first example of pornography? And when did the visual representation of a naked body become a turn-on? Because, you know, was it... I don't know.   Definitely. I mean, I don't know how many people I've talked to where their first masturbation was to National Geographic. But that's not a cartoon. No, but whatever it is. It's an interpretation. It's a physical interpretation, even though the women weren't sexualized in any way. They were just naked. They were just their human form. And cavemen, I doubt, were specifically covering up their nipples. I doubt that was an issue.  Like, I don't know. It's hard for me to even go to a strip club. I don't get aroused at a strip club. Unless, you know...  No. I did. I did. I did. I did. The turtles. See, I was going to go for Jane Goodall. Not Jane Goodall. It's chimps. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, I mean, when is the first example of... Well, did you ever masturbate to a cartoon like Betty Rubble or Wilma? I will admit to Betty and Veronica Archie comics, yeah. Yeah, that used to get me in her records. Jessica Rabbit has been brought up on our show many times. Yeah, she was a hot one. in the Little Mermaid sometimes if you're in a, you know. That goes the pedophilia around there.  It's kind of, yeah. Hentai. Hentai porn, cartoon porn's a huge thing. What does hentai mean? That's a, it's Japanese porn. It's often includes tentacle porn. Tentacle porn. What's tentacle porn? I don't even know. Octopuses, sea monsters. You can't handle this, David. Yeah, there's a whole world out there. Wait, what, an octopus? Well, because in Japanese culture, like they're not even allowed to show genitals in their porn.  Which has led to a rise in jerking off the calamari. Or with it, it's perfectly shaped. Wait, an octopus has eight hands, right? Well, arm, tentacles, yeah. So you can have eight. Eight women. Imagine that. Or I could masturbate while rubbing both my nipples. I'd have eight tentacles to, I could be doing the balls, the shaft, the helmet, a thumb up my, you know what? But there used to be in the early days of the internet porn, like a margin Homer Simpson sex scenes. But that to me was parody. It's parody, but yeah. Someone was finishing to that. Someone was, yeah. I didn't go that far. Do you think there were five and a half billion people on this planet? More. Seven billion people. Yes. Every possible thing to be masturbated to masturbate to. Absolutely. Absolutely. Not only that, but someone's already gotten sick of that. Yeah. Yeah. They're looking for the next big thing. Do you think somebody's masturbating to this show? Because then they've been saying. Everything but this. In other words, the question is, can you masturbate to masturbation? Yes. Yeah, I'm sure, yeah. Because what I'm saying is this is masturbation. Yes, masturbation. They found a dolphin. I'm not making this up. David Linden. He's a professor of neuroscience. Is this an actual college? Johns Hopkins University? Johns Hopkins University. The ambulance is on the way. University? Johns. Johns. And that's a, what kind of name is Johns? Is that a legitimate? Is that like Trump University? Is that a real college? Is this a real question? No, he went to Johns Hopkins. Oh, okay. I was like, what is happening in here? He's giving me the business. What did you major in at Johns Hopkins? The brisness. The brisness. Brazil. What I major in political science. Okay.  You must have been. Too many jokes in the show. I have a feeling you were like a serious student. Keeping journals. Yeah, you were like, yeah. So, Professor Linden, Professor of Neuroscience, said that the most creative form of animal masturbation is that of the male bottlenose dolphin which has been observed to wrap a live wriggling, wiggling eel around its penis. Wow. That's taking it to the next level there. No, an electric eel is taking it to the next. Can you imagine that a dolphin would put how good that would feel an eel around? Yeah, you should see the movie American Porpoise.  You think that's any, what, we're less creative than these dolphins? Yeah. But it's interesting that it's not. We had to cook first.  He just found an eel. He's just like, there's no dolphin around.  That doesn't sound that creative. He's raping an eel. Now, if he were really smart, he would take the eel, wrap it around his neck and restrict the flow of oxygen to his brain. Get it to zap his nipples. That's how I would use it. If I were a dolphin, that's what I would be doing. I'd be... Well, maybe that's why we should be leaving those plastic rings in the ocean from soda cans. So animals can have something to asphyxiate themselves to. Bears will look at other animals, not bears, but a bear will see other animals fornicating and begin to touch themselves. This is, how this can't possibly be actual scientific data. This is science. You wrote this up today. No, bears are the voyeurs of the jungle. But they're not voyeurs. They're masturbating to other species. That's what a voyeur is. That's what a voyeur does. No, a voyeur watches. What do you think he's watching? Can masturbates. But no, but interspecies, I've never... He's an interspecies voyeur. Have you ever...   Yes. At other species? Yeah. Have you seen a rhinoceros stick? The horn alone. You can judge it by the horn. Would you masturbate in public? You would go to the zoo and masturbate in public. How public are we talking because... I mean, the rhinoceros isn't gonna tell. There's a hotel bathroom, the public. There's a stairwell, the public.  It's a human zoo for masturbation. I have friends that go to strip clubs and sweatpants just so they can... Like that, I just... So they can wear their jizz pants back into the car. Jizz pants back into the car. Waddle back to the car. That's right. Jizz pants. We can make a fortune selling a fresh pair of pants outside. Strip gloves? Yeah. Do they sell underwear at strip clubs? Because isn't that what it's all about? Kind of brilliant. It's you're nutting yourself, right? Here's a fresh pair of underwear you could charge. You're taking the most marketable thing ever, which is naked women. You're like, I'll tell you what sells. New underwear. I wanna make some money. It's not the business. Do you bring a fresh pair of underwear to a strip club?   Underwear shopping. You come home. Like I remember I went to a strip club with my second wife, my second wife I was married and guys took me out to a strip club. Scott, you took me to a strip club and I come home and my wife says, why is there jizz all? I say, oh, I went to a strip club and Scott busted his nut in my shorts. That is such a butchered version of the joke. I know, what's the joke? The joke is a guy, where does the guy come from? Well, it's not sexual, you sexualized it. It's the guy at the bar, he comes back drunk with his new shirt or something, he's like, oh.      Diogenes, the Greek cynic, the philosopher, was arrested for masturbating in public. And it still haunts him to this day. And it was considered scandalous.  But masturbation was awful in there. Masturbation in public was considered scandalous.    It is, yeah, boys for the taking. But I mean, well, if Diogenes is still hearing about this all this time later, just you gotta feel sorry for Paul Rubens. He's never gonna live this down. You think he's Jewish? Paul Rubens, I mean, did you know he was Jewish? Did you know about the painter Paul Rubens, or you're talking about the Pee-wee? Pee-wee, I mean, Paul Rubens sounds like a Jewish name. Pee-wee Herman. I had no idea that he was Jewish. I just, I never thought about it. Jews always are obsessed with other people being Jewish. Yeah, and we lay claim to somebody if they're very successful. Yeah. So your example is Paul Rubens. Or in like, in 1935, the Jews in America were going, you know, Hitler, 150th Jewish, there's some, he's the chancellor of Germany, he's a Jew, 150th, we'll take him. Was he only 150th? Something like that. Oh, I thought he was like, wait. I thought he was a quarter. Yeah, I thought he was a quarter also. That's always what I heard growing up, a quarter or something. I think we're getting the shut down sound. Are we getting the wrap up? But I just will say, F. Maria Abraham, not a Jew. I always say, I go, F. Maria Abraham, F. F. Maria. F. Scott Fitzgerald. That's somebody's joke that has to do with it. Really? Maybe not. Let's do it. Write it down, Feldman. Tabriz, how long has the show been? Okay, I'm sorry, Micah.  I gotta eat so bad. Hang on for one second. Tabriz, I believe this, Tabriz Medical University. Showbriz Medical University. Showbriz Medical University. Tabriz Medical University says, and I believe this, that masturbation reduces swollen sinuses that improves breathing. Really? Maybe I should do it more, more often. What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? No, that's an old joke. I do, you know, it's all like acupuncture and I think that's true. That's more like Jackie Puncture. I'm not sure. How badly do you have to pee? I'm dying. I thought the show was gonna end before I got here. All right, well, you know what, go. And what was I brought here for? Am I doing another show after this? Well, why don't I, you wanna take a break?  I wanna go, guys, let me out of here.  I'm so good, I'll talk to Scott. No, wrap it up. I wanna be out of here too. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. All right, hang on. Are you just lonely, David? Yes, yes. All right, let me just, all right, hang on. But he is like my father, I have to feel. Bruce Bagemill wrote a book in 19. No, no, no, wrap it up. This is not a wrap it up. Tell him, tell him where to find my podcast. Wait a second. You don't wanna know about Warthogs? At Micah Fox, M-Y-K-A, F-O-X, you can find me on Twitter. I'm talking about Warthogs. Warthogs use vibrators. Warthogs use vibrators. Did you know that? Next week on the Beastie Alley Hour with David Feldman. I was so excited that Micah was coming and I did all this research. He wanted to impress you with animal masturbation. Let me just make sure. Okay, we'll wrap it up. Let me just make sure. This is why you're not getting laid, David. This doesn't impress women. Let me, I know. Let me just make sure I have. I have a UTI by now. This is... Walruses use their flippers. No, what? Just wrap it up. Vampire bats use their feet. I didn't even know bats had feet. This starts with children's book. This actually feels like a psychological test where it's like, how long will they stay in the room if he just never ends the podcast? This is all I've got. Do you understand this is all I've got? But how, this is it. If I don't do this. Loose leaf paper with a vampire bat, sex facts. This is bizarre. David, this is a new low, man. I'm gonna wrap it up. We're burning this down. All right, stop. This is all I've got. The tape hasn't been running, right? This is a... Micah, did you have a good time? Yes. It was fun, right? One more answer. I thought this was great. I think this was a very fun episode. Yes, yes. And so I'll have you back. I think, are these the noise canceling headphones? How do I... It's Feldman canceling. So let's plug some gigs. Running late is, where are you doing your next show? At Union Hall? Union Hall, April 2nd. April 2nd. And 8 p.m. We don't have guests, so... You almost had Todd Barry. Almost had Todd Barry, but... He's getting back from Atlanta that night, so he doesn't wanna come out and give him a night off. It makes sense. What about... Liz Plank. Liz Plank. Liz Plank is booked. And what about Micah? And what about Micah? Yeah, I'd love to do it. You wanna go around? April 2nd? She should do stand-up. She's really funny. Great. And... You're in. And your videos, how do people find your videos? They can find them. Go to davidfelmanshow.com Slash. No, seriously. Pornhub.com. You can find my videos there. RunningLateShow.com. I mean, David, just imagine the Running Late Show. What if we take... Can you really upload porn to Pornhub? Absolutely. Can we add my... Can somebody... I'm asking... That would be funny. Let's just do it. I'm gonna wrap it up, but I know there are people out there and nickname? I know you can do this. Nickname? By the way, I had Sam Cedar on and he loves nickname too. Somebody take this podcast. I'm begging you. Take this podcast. Take some porn. Put this underneath some...  Honestly, you just record. You just put a photo of Micah as the thumbnail and people will masturbate to it. That's so sweet. Yeah. Wow. I didn't know...  Yeah. We had Michael Komen. I was working on a show with him, but had Jack...  Jack McBrayer on it. And Michael Komen had this...  The idea was that Jack McBrayer would ask for permission to masturbate to a woman. But he would walk up there and say... That's hilarious.  I'd like... I'd like my hand... I'd ask for your daughter's hand and... I'm asking for my hand to think of your daughter's... That's gonna be my hand and your daughter's... Michael Komen. That is hysterical. Michael Komen. Genius. Fox. Also a genius. Thank you. This week in Jacken, which is... This does well, this podcast, right? Yeah. You guys tour with it at all? We haven't toured yet. We've done... We did a live show that was very fun. You can find... It was a two-part episode, if you wanna download it, where we had... It was the night of 100 Jacks. It was our 100th episode. Wow. And we had 100 people on to talk about what they masturbate to.  There was always somebody live jacking off in the corner. Live painting. They have a live masturbator. You can... Also, and I do recommend this podcast, Shaman, with your co-host, Karen Feehan. You nailed it. That's what my great-grandfather was told when he killed Jesus. Oh. I'm just gonna let that one sink. Let's just swim in that... Well, maybe that's funny, because it means I'm old, if it's my great-grandfather. There is nothing you could do to resurrect that joke. You know what? I have a show coming back in three days. I'm gonna do that joke again in three days, because it's Easter. Yeah. All right. And you should all listen to Shaman. That is a great... In all seriousness, you should do a TV show of that. Great. Are you gonna finance that? Yes. Great. We'll talk... I only have a... I have a billion five, depending on how the stock market is doing. Right. How much would you need? All of that. A billion five? Yes. Would you... Are you a gold digger? I'll take $50. Are you a gold digger? Yes, I'm a gold digger. Really? Don't come. Don't come yet. You need to give me the money first. Kathleen Madigan's Netflix special is Bothering Jesus. Well, it's not Bothering Jesus. I'm sure he likes it. That's the name of it. It's called Bothering Jesus. You should go see Kathleen Madigan. On March 17th, she's in Riverside, California, at the Fox Performing Arts Theater. On March 18th, she's in Thousand Oaks, California, at the Fred Cavley Theater. On March 23rd, she's at Hermosa Beach at the Comedy and Magic Club. On March 24th, she's at Hermosa Beach at the Comedy and Magic Club. She's there on the 25th. And on April 6th, she's at the Bloomington Center for the Performing Arts in Bloomington, Illinois. Go see Kathleen Madigan. If you enjoy today's show, share the knowledge, copy and paste the link to this episode, and tell your friends about it. I know this was an especially long show. I promise not to waste your time. I will not waste your time. This was a long show, but I ask myself, is it informative? Is it funny? And I keep it in. I found today's show informative and funny. I don't think I wasted your time. And I promise not to waste your time. From the show, to the studios in downtown Manhattan, that'll do it for us.