CHAPTER 31 WHICH IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW AND SUNDRY GREAT AUTHORITIES LEARNED THEREIN scattered about in various holes and corners of the temple are certain dark and dirty chambers, in and out of which, all the morning in vacation and half the evening, too, in term time, there may be seen constantly hurrying with bundles of papers under their arms and protruding from their pockets an almost uninterrupted succession of lawyers' clerks. There are several grades of lawyers' clerks. There is the articleed clerk who has paid a premium and is an attorney in perspective, who runs a tailor's bill, receives invitations to parties, knows a family in Gower Street and another in Tavistock Square, who goes out of town every long vacation to see his father who keeps live horses innumerable and who is, in short, the very aristocrat of clerks. There is the salaried clerk, out of door or indoor, as the case may be, who devotes the major part of his thirty shillings a week to his personal pleasure and adornments, repairs half price to the Adelphi Theater at least three times a week, dissipates majestically at the cider cellars afterwards, and is a dirty caricature of the fashion which expired six months ago. There is the middle-aged copy-ing clerk with a large family who is always shabby and often drunk, and there are the office lads in their first search-outs who feel a befitting contempt for boys at day schools, club as they go home at night, for Savaloys and Porter and think there's nothing like life. There are varieties of the genus too numerous to recapitulate, but however numerous they may be they are all to be seen at certain regulated business hours, hurrying to and from the places we have just mentioned. These sequestered nooks are the public offices of the legal profession, where rits are issued, judgments signed, declarations filed, and numerous other ingenious machines put in motion for the torture and torment of his majesty's liege subjects, and the comfort and emolument of the practitioners of the law. They are for the most part low-roofed, moldy rooms where innumerable rolls of parchment, which have been perspiring in secret for the last century, send forth an agreeable odor which is mingled by day with the scent of the dry rot, and by night with the various exhalations which arise from damp cloaks, festering umbrellas, and the coarsest tallow candles. About half past seven o'clock in the evening, some ten days or a fortnight after Mr. Pickwick and his friends returned to London, they are hurried into one of these offices, an individual in a brown coat and brass buttons, whose long hair was scrupulously twisted round the rim of his napless hat, and whose soiled drab trousers were so tightly strapped over his blusher boots that his knees threatened every moment to start from their concealment. He produced from his coat pockets a long and narrow strip of parchment on which the presiding functionary impressed an illegible black stamp. He then drew forth four scraps of paper of similar dimensions, each containing a printed copy of the strip of parchment with blanks for a name, and having filled up the blanks, put all the five documents in his pocket and hurried away. The man in the brown coat with the cabalistic documents in his pocket was no other than our old acquaintance Mr. Jackson of the House of Dodson and Fogg, Freeman's court, Cornhill. Instead of returning to the office once he came, however, he bent his steps direct to Sun Court and walking straight into the Georgian vulture demanded to know whether one Mr. Pickwick was within. Call Mr. Pickwick's servant, town, said the barmaid of the Georgian vulture. Don't trouble yourself, said Mr. Jackson. I've come on business. If you'll show me Mr. Pickwick's room, I'll step up myself. What name, sir, said the waiter. Jackson, replied the clerk. The waiter stepped upstairs to announce Mr. Jackson, but Mr. Jackson saved him the trouble by following close at his heels and walking into the apartment before he could articulate a syllable. Mr. Pickwick had that day invited his three friends to dinner. They were all seated round the fire drinking their wine when Mr. Jackson presented himself as above described. How'd he do, sir? said Mr. Jackson, nodding to Mr. Pickwick. That gentleman bowed and looked somewhat surprised for the physiognomy of Mr. Jackson to out nod in his recollection. I have called from Dodson and Fogg's, said Mr. Jackson, in an explanatory tone. Mr. Pickwick roused at the name. I refer you to my attorney, sir. Mr. Perker of Grey's Inn, said he, waiter, show this gentleman out. Thank your pardon, Mr. Pickwick, said Jackson, deliberately depositing his hat on the floor and drawing from his pocket the strip of parchment, but personal service by clerk or agent in these cases, you know, Mr. Pickwick, nothing like caution, sir, in all legal forms, eh? Here Mr. Jackson cast his eye on the parchment and resting his hands on the table and looking round with a winning and persuasive smile, said, now come, don't let's have no words about such a little matter as this. Which of you gentlemen's names snodgrass? At this inquiry Mr. Snodgrass gave such a very undisguised and palpable start that no further reply was needed. I thought so, said Mr. Jackson, more affably than before. I have a little something to trouble you with, sir. Me, exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass, it's only a subpoena in Bardell and Pickwick on behalf of the plaintiff, replied Jackson, singling out one of the slips of paper and producing a shilling from his waistcoat pocket. It'll come on in the sentence after term, 14th of February, we expect. We've marked it a special jury case and it's only 10 down the paper. That's yours, Mr. Snodgrass. As Jackson said this, he presented the parchment before the eyes of Mr. Snodgrass and slipped the paper and the shilling into his hand. Mr. Tubman had witnessed this process in silent astonishment when Jackson, turning sharply upon him, said, I think I ain't mistaken when I say your name's Tubman, am I? Mr. Tubman looked at Mr. Pickwick, but perceiving no encouragement in that gentleman's widely-opened eyes to deny his name, said, yes, my name is Tubman, sir. And that other gentleman's Mr. Winkle, I think, said Jackson. Mr. Winkle faltered out a reply in the affirmative, and both gentlemen were forthwith invested with a slip of paper and a shilling each by the dexterous Mr. Jackson. Now, said Jackson, I'm afraid you'll think me rather troublesome, but I want somebody else if it ain't inconvenient. I have Sam Weller's name here, Mr. Pickwick. Said my servant here, waiter, said Mr. Pickwick. The waiter retired considerably astonished, and Mr. Pickwick motioned Jackson to a seat. There was a painful pause which was at length broken by the innocent defendant. I suppose, sir, said Mr. Pickwick, his indignation rising while he spoke. I suppose, sir, that it is the intention of your employers to seek to discriminate me upon the testimony of my own friends. Mr. Jackson struck his forefinger several times against the left side of his nose to intimate that he was not there to disclose the secrets of the prison house, and playfully rejoined. Not no one can't say. For what other reason, sir, pursued Mr. Pickwick, are these subpoenas served upon them, if not for this? Very good plant, Mr. Pickwick, replied Jackson, slowly shaking his head, but it won't do, no harm in trying but there's little to be got out of me. Here Mr. Jackson smiled once more upon the company, and, applying his left thumb to the tip of his nose, worked a visionary coffee mill with his right hand, thereby performing a very graceful piece of pantomime, then much in vogue, but now unhappily, almost obsolete, which was familiarly denominated taking a grinder. No, no, Mr. Pickwick, said Jackson, in conclusion. Perker's people must guess what we've served these subpoenas for. If they can't, they must wait till the action comes on, and then they'll find out. Mr. Pickwick bestowed a look of excessive disgust on his unwelcome visitor, and would probably have hurled some tremendous anathema at the heads of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg, had not Sam's entrance at the instant interrupted him. Samuel Weller, said Mr. Jackson inquiringly. One of the truest things, as you've said for many a long year, replied Sam in a most composed manner. Here's a subpoena for you, Mr. Weller, said Jackson. What's that in English, inquired Sam? Here's the original, said Jackson, declining the required explanation. Which, said Sam. This, replied Jackson, shaking the parchment. Oh, that's the original, is it, said Sam? Well, I'm very glad I've seen the original, because it's a gratifying sort of thing and eases one's mind so much. And here's the shilling, said Jackson. It's from Dodson and Fogg's. And it's uncommon, handsome, a Dodson and Fogg, as knows so little of me, to come down to the present, said Sam. I feel it as a very high compliment, sir. It's a very honorable thing to them, as they knows how to reward Merritt wherever they meets it. Besides which, it's effected into one's feelings.  Mr. Jackson seemed rather puzzled by Sam's proceedings, but as he had served the subpoenas and had nothing more to say, he made a faint of putting on the one glove, which he usually carried in his hand, for the sake of appearances, and returned to the office to report progress. Mr. Pickwick slept little that night. His memory had received a very disagreeable refresher on the subject of Mrs. Bardell's action. He breakfasted betimes next morning, and, desiring Sam to accompany him, set forth towards Grayson Square. Sam, said Mr. Pickwick, looking round when they got to the end of Cheapside. Sir, said Sam, stepping up to his master. Which way? Up Newgate Street. Mr. Pickwick did not turn round immediately, but looked vacantly in Sam's face for a few seconds, and heaved a deep sigh. What's the matter, sir, inquired Sam. This action, Sam, said Mr. Pickwick, is expected to come on on the 14th of next month. Remarkable coincidence, that air, sir, replied Sam. Why remarkable, Sam, inquired Mr. Pickwick. Valentine's Day, sir, responded Sam. Regular good day for a breach of promise trial. Mr. Weller's smile awakened no gleam of mirth in his master's countenance. Mr. Pickwick turned abruptly round and led the way in silence. They had walked some distance, Mr. Pickwick trotting on before, plunged in profound meditation, and Sam following behind with the countenance expressive of the most enviable and easy defiance of everything and everybody. When the latter, who was always especially anxious to impart to his master any exclusive information he possessed, quickened his pace until he was close at Mr. Pickwick's heels and pointing up at a house they were passing, said, Very nice pork shop, that air, sir. Yes, it seems so, said Mr. Pickwick. Celebrated sausage factory, said Sam. Is it? said Mr. Pickwick. Is it? reiterated Sam with some indignation. I should rather think it was. Why, sir, bless your innocent eyebrows. That's where the mysterious disappearance of a spectable tradesman took place four years ago. You don't mean to say he was Birk, Sam, said Mr. Pickwick, looking hastily round. No, I don't indeed, sir, replied Mr. Weller. I wish I did. Far worse than that, he was the master of that air shop, sir, and the inventor of the patent never leaving off sausage steam engine, as in swallow up a paven stone, if you put it too near, and grind it into sausages as easy as if it was a tender young babby. Very proud of that machine he was, as it was natural he should be. And he'd stand down in the cellar, looking at it when it was in full play, till he got quite melancholy with joy. A very happy man he'd have been, sir, in the procession of that air engine, and two more lovely infants besides, if it hadn't been for his wife, who was a most audacious wixen. She was always a father in him about, and dinning in his ears, till at last he couldn't stand it no longer. I'll tell you what it is, my dear, he says one day, if you persevere in this here sort of amusement, he says, I'm blessed if I don't go away to America, and that's all about it.  Out of which she keeps on abusing of him for half an hour, and then runs into the little parlor behind the shop, sets to a screaming, says he'll be the death in her, and falls in a fit which lasts for three good hours, one of them fits which is all screaming and kicking. Well, next morning the husband was missing. He hadn't taken nothing from the till, hadn't even put on his great coat, so it was quite clear he weren't gone to America. Didn't come back next day, didn't come back next week. Mrs. Headbills printed, saying that if he'd come back, he should be forgiven everything, which was very liberal, seeing that he hadn't done nothing at all. The canals was dragged, and for two months, utter words, whenever a body turned up what was carried as a regular thing straight off to the sausage shop. However, none of them answered, so they gave out that he'd run away, and she kept on the business. One Saturday night, a little thin old gentleman comes into the shop in a great passion and says, are you the missus of this here shop? Yes, I am, says she. Well, ma'am, says he, then I've just looked in to say that me and my family ain't going to be choked for nothing, and more than that, ma'am, he says, you'll allow me to observe that as you don't use the promised parts of the meat in the manufacturer of sausages, I think you'd find beef come nearly as cheap as buttons. As buttons, sir, says she, buttons, ma'am, says the little old gentleman, unfolding a bit of paper and showing 20 or 30 halves of buttons. Nice seasoning for sausages as trousers buttons, ma'am. To my husband's buttons, says the widow, beginning to faint. What? screams the little old gentleman, turning wary pale. I see it all, says the widow, in a fit of temporary insanity, he rashly converted himself into sausages. And so he had, sir, said Mr. Weller, looking steadily into Mr. Pickwick's horror-stricken countenance, or else he'd been drawn into the engine. But however that might have been, the little old gentleman, who had been remarkably partial to sausages all his life, rushed out of the shop in a wild state and was never heard on afterwards. The relation of this affecting incident of private life brought master and man to Mr. Pickwick's chambers. Loudon, holding the door half open, was in conversation with the rustily clad, miserable-looking man in boots without toes and gloves without fingers. There were traces of privation and suffering, almost of despair, in his lank and care-worn countenance. He felt his poverty, for he shrank to the dark side of the staircases Mr. Pickwick approached. It's very unfortunate, said the stranger, with a sigh. Very, said Loudon, scribbling his name on the doorpost with his pen and rubbing it out again with the feather. Will you leave a message for him? When do you think he'll be back? inquired the stranger. Quite uncertain, replied Loudon, winking at Mr. Pickwick as the stranger cast his eyes towards the ground. You don't think it would be of any use my waiting for him? Said the stranger, looking wistfully into the office. Oh, no, I'm sure it wouldn't, replied the clerk, moving a little more into the center of the doorway. He's certain not to be back this week, and it's a chance whether he will be next. For when Perker once gets out of town, he's never in a hurry to come back again. Out of town, said Mr. Pickwick, hear me, how unfortunate. Don't go away, Mr. Pickwick, said Loudon. I've got a letter for you. The stranger, seeming to hesitate, once more looked towards the ground, and the clerk winked slyly at Mr. Pickwick as if to intimate that some exquisite piece of humor was going forward, though what it was Mr. Pickwick could not for the life of him divine. Step in, Mr. Pickwick, said Loudon. Well, will you leave a message, Mr. Wattie, or will you call again? Ask him to be so kind as to leave outward what has been done in my business, said the man. For God's sake, don't neglect it, Mr. Loudon. No, no, I won't forget it, replied the clerk. Walk in, Mr. Pickwick. Good morning, Mr. Wattie. It's a fine day for walking, isn't it?  There never was such a pestering bankrupt as that, since the world began, I do believe, said Loudon, throwing down his pen with the air of an injured man. His affairs haven't been in chancery quite four years yet, and I'm damned if he don't come worrying here twice a week. Step this way, Mr. Pickwick. Perker is in, and he'll see you, I know. Devilish cold, he added, petishly, standing at that door, wasting one's time with such seedy vagabonds. Having very vehemently stirred a particularly large fire with a particularly small poker, the clerk led the way to his principal's private room and announced, Mr. Pickwick. Ah, my dear sir, said little Mr. Perker, bustling up from his chair. Well, my dear sir, and what's the news about your matter, eh? Anything more about our friends in Freeman's court? They've not been sleeping, I know that. Ah, they're very smart fellows, very smart indeed. As the little man concluded, he took an emphatic pinch of snuff as a tribute to the smartness of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg. They are great scoundrels, said Mr. Pickwick. Aye, aye, said the little man, that's a matter of opinion, you know, and we won't dispute about terms, because of course you can't be expected to view these subjects with a professional eye. Well, we've done everything that's necessary. I have retained Sergeant Snubbin. Is he a good man, inquired Mr. Pickwick? Good man, replied Perker. Bless your heart and soul, my dear sir. Sergeant Snubbin is at the very top of his profession. Gets trouble the business of any man in court, engaged in every case. You needn't mention it abroad, but we say, we of the profession, that Sergeant Snubbin leads the court by the nose. The little man took another pinch of snuff as he made this communication, and nodded mysteriously to Mr. Pickwick. They have subpoenaed my three friends, said Mr. Pickwick. Ah, of course they would, replied Perker. Important witnesses saw you in a delicate situation. But she fainted of her own accord, said Mr. Pickwick. She threw herself into my arms. Very likely, my dear sir, replied Perker, very likely and very natural. Nothing more so, my dear sir, nothing. But who's to prove it? They have subpoenaed my servant, too, said Mr. Pickwick, quitting the other point. For there, Mr. Perker's question had somewhat staggered him. Sam, said Perker, Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirmative. Of course, my dear sir, of course. I knew they would. I could have told you that a month ago. You know, my dear sir, if you will take the management of your affairs into your own hands, after entrusting them to your solicitor, you must also take the consequences. Here, Mr. Perker drew himself up with conscious dignity and brushed some stray grains of snuff from his shirt frill. And what do they want him to prove? asked Mr. Pickwick, after two or three minutes' silence. The choose sent him up to the plaintiffs to make some offer of a compromise, I suppose, replied Perker. It don't matter much, though. I don't think many counsel could get a great deal out of him. I don't think they could, said Mr. Pickwick, smiling, despite his vexation, at the idea of Sam's appearance as a witness. What course do we pursue? We have only one to adopt, my dear sir, replied Perker. Cross-examine the witnesses, trust the snubbin's eloquence, throw dust in the eyes of the judge, throw ourselves on the jury. And suppose the verdict is against me, said Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Perker smiled, took a very long pinch of snuff, stirred the fire, shrugged his shoulders, and remained expressively silent. You mean that in that case I must pay the damages, said Mr. Pickwick, who had watched this telegraphic answer with considerable sternness. Perker gave the fire another very unnecessary poke, and said, I am afraid so. Then I beg to announce to you my unalterable determination to pay no damages, whatever, said Mr. Pickwick, most emphatically. None, Perker, not a pound, not a penny of my money shall find its way into the pockets of Dodson and Fogg. That is my deliberate and irrevocable determination. Mr. Pickwick gave a heavy blow on the table before him, in confirmation of the irrevocability of his intention. Very well, my dear sir, very well, said Perker, you know best, of course. Of course, replied Mr. Pickwick hastily, where does Sergeant Snubbin live? In Lincoln's inn old square, replied Perker, I should like to see him, said Mr. Pickwick. See Sergeant Snubbin, my dear sir, rejoined Perker in utter amazement. Poo-poo, my dear sir, impossible. See Sergeant Snubbin, bless you, my dear sir, such a thing was never heard of without a consultation fee being previously paid, and a consultation fixed. It couldn't be done, my dear sir, it couldn't be done. Mr. Pickwick, however, had made up his mind, not only that it could be done, but that it should be done, and the consequence was, that within ten minutes, after he had received the assurance that the thing was impossible, he was conducted by his solicitor into the outer office of the great Sergeant Snubbin himself. It was an uncarpeted room of tolerable dimensions, with a large writing table drawn up near the fire, the bay's top of which had long since lost all claim to its original hue of green, and had gradually grown gray with dust and age, except where all traces of its natural color were obliterated by ink stains. Upon the table were numerous little bundles of papers tied with red tape, and behind it sat an elderly clerk whose sleek appearance in heavy gold watch chain presented imposing indications of the extensive and lucrative practice of Mr. Sergeant Snubbin. Is the Sergeant in his room, Mr. Mallard, inquired Perker, offering his box with all imaginable courtesy? Yes, he is, was the reply, but he is very busy. Look here, not an opinion given yet on any one of these cases, and an expedition fee paid with all of them. The clerk smiled as he said this, and inhaled the pinch of snuff with a zest which seemed to be compounded of a fondness for snuff and a relish for fees. Something like practice that, said Perker. Yes, said the barrister's clerk, producing his own box and offering it with the greatest cordiality, and the best of it is that as nobody alive, except myself, can read the sergeant's writing, they are obliged to wait for the opinions when he has given them till I have copied them. Which makes good for we know who besides the sergeant and draws a little more out of the clients. Said Perker, at this the sergeant's clerk laughed again, not a noisy, boisterous laugh, but a silent internal chuckle, which Mr. Pickwick disliked to hear. When a man bleeds inwardly, it is a dangerous thing for himself, but when he laughs inwardly, it bodes no good to other people. You haven't made me out that little list of the fees that I am in your debt, have you, said Perker? No, I have not, replied the clerk. I wish you would, said Perker. Let me have them, and I'll send you a check. But I suppose you're too busy pocketing the ready money to think of the debtors, eh? This sally seemed to tickle the clerk amazingly, and he once more enjoyed a little quiet laugh to himself. But Mr. Mallard, my dear friend, said Perker, suddenly recovering his gravity, and drawing the great man's great man into a corner by the lapel of his coat, you must persuade the sergeant to see me and my client here. Come, come, said the clerk. That's not bad either. See the sergeant? Come, that's too absurd. Notwithstanding the absurdity of the proposal, however, the clerk allowed himself to be gently drawn beyond the hearing of Mr. Pickwick. And after a short conversation conducted in whispers, walked softly down a little dark passage and disappeared into the legal luminary sanctum, once he shortly returned on tiptoe and informed Mr. Perker and Mr. Pickwick that the sergeant had been prevailed upon in violation of all established rules and customs to admit them at once. Mr. Sergeant Snubbins was a lantern-faced, shallow-complexioned man of about five and forty, or, as the novels say, he might be fifty. He had that dull-looking, boiled eye, which is often to be seen in the heads of people who have applied themselves during many years to a weary and laborious course of study, and which would have been sufficient without the additional eyeglass which dangled from a broad black ribbon round his neck to warn a stranger that he was very nearsighted. His hair was thin and weak, which was partly attributable to his having never devoted much time to its arrangement, and partly to his having worn, for five and twenty years, the forensic wig which hung on a block beside him. The marks of hair powder on his coat collar and the ill-washed and worst-tied white neckerchief round his throat showed that he had not found leisure since he left the court to make any alteration in his dress, while the slovenly style of the remainder of his costume warranted the inference that his personal appearance would not have been very much improved if he had. Books of practice, heaps of papers, and opened letters were scattered over the table without any attempt at order or arrangement. The furniture of the room was old and rickety, the doors of the bookcase were rotting in their hinges, the dust flew out from the carpet in little clouds at every step, the blinds were yellow with age and dirt, the state of everything in the room showed with a clearness not to be mistaken that Mr. Sergeant Snubbin was far too much occupied with his professional pursuits to take any great heed or regard of his personal comforts. The sergeant was writing when his clients entered. He bowed abstractedly when Mr. Pickwick was introduced by his solicitor, and then, motioning them to a seat, put his pen carefully in the ink stand, nursed his left leg, and waited to be spoken to. Mr. Pickwick is the defendant in Bardell and Pickwick, Sergeant Snubbin, said Perker. I am retained in that, am I? said the sergeant. You are, sir, replied Perker. The sergeant nodded his head and waited for something else. Mr. Pickwick was anxious to call upon you, Sergeant Snubbin, said Perker, to state to you, before you entered upon the case, that he denies there being any ground or pretense, whatever, for the action against him, and that unless he came into court with clean hands and without the most conscientious conviction that he was right in resisting the plaintiff's demand, he would not be there at all. I believe I state your views correctly. Do I not, my dear sir, said the little man, turning to Mr. Pickwick? Quite so, replied that gentleman. Mr. Sergeant Snubbin unfolded his glasses, raised them to his eyes, and after looking at Mr. Pickwick for a few seconds with great curiosity, turned to Mr. Perker and said, smiling slightly as he spoke, has Mr. Pickwick a strong case? The attorney shrugged his shoulders. Do you propose calling witnesses? No. The smile on the sergeant's countenance became more defined. He rocked his leg with increased violence and throwing himself back in his easy chair cough, dubiously. These tokens of the sergeant's presentiments on the subject, slight as they were, were not lost on Mr. Pickwick. He settled the spectacles through which he had tentatively regarded such demonstrations of the barrister's feelings as he had permitted himself to exhibit, more firmly on his nose, and said, with great energy and an utter disregard of all Mr. Perker's and monetary winkings and frownings, my wishing to wait upon you for such a purpose as this, sir, appears, I have no doubt, to a gentleman who sees so much of these matters as you must necessarily do, a very extraordinary circumstance. The sergeant tried to look gravely at the fire, but the smile came back again.  You know from your experience of juries, I mean no disparagement to you or them, how much depends upon effect, and you are apt to attribute to others a desire to use for purposes of deception and self-interest, the very instruments which you, in pure honesty and honor of purpose, and with a laudable desire to do your utmost for your client, know the temper and worth of so well from constantly employing them yourselves. I really believe that to this circumstance may be attributed the vulgar but very general notion of your being as a body, suspicious, distrustful, and overcautious. Conscious as I am, sir, of the disadvantage of making such a declaration to you under such circumstances, I have come here because I wish you distinctly to understand, as my friend Mr. Perker has said, that I am innocent of the falsehood laid to my charge, and although I am very well aware of the inestimable value of your assistance, sir, I must beg to add that unless you sincerely believe this, I would rather be deprived of the aid of your talents than have the advantage of them. Long before the close of this address, which we are bound to say was of a very prosy character for Mr. Pickwick, the sergeant had relapsed into a state of abstraction. After some minutes, however, during which he had re-assumed his pen, he appeared to be again aware of the presence of his client, raising his head from the paper. He said, rather snappishly, Who is with me in this case? Mr. Funke, Sergeant Snubbin, replied the attorney. Funke, Funke, said the sergeant. I never heard the name before. He must be a very young man. Yes, he is a very young man, replied the attorney. He was only called the other day. Let me see. He has not been at the bar eight years yet. Ah, I thought not, said the sergeant, in that sort of pitying tone in which ordinary folks would speak of a very helpless little child. Mr. Mallard, send round to Mr. Funke's Holburn Court, Grey's Inn, in a post-perker. Holburn Court, by the by, is south square now. Mr. Funke, and say I should be glad if he'd step here a moment. Mr. Mallard departed to execute his commission, and Sergeant Snubbin relapsed into abstraction until Mr. Funke himself was introduced. Although an infant barrister, he was a full-grown man. He had a very nervous manner and a painful hesitation in his speech. It did not appear to be a natural defect, but seemed rather the result of timidity, arising from the consciousness of being kept down by want of means or interest or connection or impudence as the case might be. He was overawed by the sergeant and profoundly courteous to the attorney. I have not had the pleasure of seeing you before Mr. Funke, said Sergeant Snubbin, with haughty condescension. Mr. Funke bowed. He had had the pleasure of seeing the sergeant and of envying him, too, with all a poor man's envy for eight years and a quarter.  If Mr. Funke had been a rich man, he would have instantly sent for his clerk to remind him. If he had been a wise one, he would have applied his forefinger to his forehead and endeavored to recollect whether, in the multiplicity of his engagements, he had undertaken this one or not. But as he was neither rich nor wise, in this sense at all events, he turned red and bowed. Have you read the papers, Mr. Funke, inquired the sergeant? Here again Mr. Funke should have professed to have forgotten all about the merits of the case, but as he had read such papers as had been laid before him in the course of the action and had thought of nothing else, waking or sleeping throughout the two months during which he had been retained, as Mr. Sergeant Snubbins's junior, he turned a deeper red and bowed again. This is Mr. Pickwick, said the sergeant, waving his pen in the direction in which that gentleman was standing. Mr. Funke bowed to Mr. Pickwick with a reverence which a first client must ever awaken and again inclined his head towards his leader. Perhaps you will take Mr. Pickwick away, said the sergeant, and hear anything Mr. Pickwick may wish to communicate. We shall have a consultation, of course. With that hint that he had been interrupted quite long enough, Mr. Sergeant Snubbins, who had been gradually growing more and more abstracted, applied his glass to his eyes for an instant, bowed slightly round, and was once more deeply immersed in the case before him, which arose out of an interminable lawsuit originating in the act of an individual deceased a century or so ago, who had stopped up a pathway leading from some place which nobody ever came from to some other place which nobody ever went to. Mr. Funke would not hear of passing through any door until Mr. Pickwick and his solicitor had passed through before him. So it was some time before they got into the square, and when they did reach it, they walked up and down and held along conference, the result of which was that it was a very difficult matter to say how the verdict would go that nobody could presume to calculate on the issue of an action, that it was very lucky they had prevented the other party from getting Sergeant Snubbin and other topics of doubt and consolation common in such a position of affairs. Mr. Weller was then roused by his master from a sweet sleep of an hour's duration, and bidding a due to Loudon they returned to the city. End of Chapter 31 Chapter 32 of the Pickwick Papers This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by David A. Stokely The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens Chapter 32 describes far more fully than the court newsman ever did, a bachelor's party given by Mr. Bob Sawyer at his lodgings in the borough. There is a repose about Lant Street in the borough which shed a gentle melancholy upon the sole. There are always a good many houses to let in the street. It is a by-street, too, and its dullness is soothing. A house in Lant Street would not come within the denomination of a first-rate residence in the strict acceptation of the term, but it is a most desirable spot, nevertheless. If a man wished to abstract himself from the world, to remove himself from within the reach of temptation, to place himself beyond the possibility of any inducement to look out of the window, we should recommend him by all means go to Lant Street. In this happy retreat are colonized a few clear-starchers, a sprinkling of journeyman bookbinders, one or two prison agents for the insolvent court, several small housekeepers who are employed in the docks, a handful of Manchua makers, and a seasoning of jobbing tailors. The majority of the inhabitants either direct their energies to the letting of furnished apartments or devote themselves to the healthful and invigorating pursuit of mangling. The chief features in the still life of the street are green shutters, lodging bills, brass door plates, and bell handles. The principal specimens of animated nature, the pot boy, the muffin youth, and the baked potato man. The population is migratory, usually disappearing on the verge of quarter day, and generally by night. His majesty's revenues are seldom collected in this happy valley. The rencer dubious and the water communication is very frequently cut off. Mr. Bob Sawyer embellished one side of the fire in his first-floor front early on the evening for which he had invited Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Ben Allen, the other. The preparations for the reception of visitors appeared to be completed. The umbrellas in the passage had been heaped into the little corner outside the back parlor door. The bonnet and shawl of the landlady's servant had been removed from the banisters. There were not more than two pairs of patents on the street door mat and a kitchen candle with a very long snuff burned cheerfully on the ledge of the staircase window. Mr. Bob Sawyer had himself purchased the spirits at a wine vault in High Street and had returned home preceding the bearer thereof to preclude the possibility of their delivery at the wrong house. The punch was ready made in a red pan in the bedroom. A little table covered with a green bae's cloth had been borrowed from the parlor to play cards on and the glasses of the establishment together with those which had been borrowed for the occasion from the public house were all drawn up in a tray which was deposited on the landing outside the door. Notwithstanding the highly satisfactory nature of all these arrangements there was a cloud on the countenance of Mr. Bob Sawyer as he sat by the fireside. There was a sympathizing expression too in the features of Mr. Ben Allen as he gazed intently on the coals and a tone of melancholy in his voice as he said after a long silence Well it is unlucky she should have taken it in her head to turn sour just on this occasion she might at least have waited till tomorrow. That's her malevolence that's her malevolence returned Mr. Bob Sawyer vehemently.  How long has it been running inquired Mr. Ben Allen? A bill by the by is the most extraordinary locomotive engine that the genius of man ever produced. It would keep on running during the longest lifetime without ever once stopping of its own accord. Only a quarter and a month or so replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. Then Allen coughed hopelessly and directed a searching look between the two top bars of the stove. It'll be a deucid unpleasant thing if she takes it into her head to let out when those fellows are here, won't it? Said Mr. Ben Allen at length. Horrible! replied Bob Sawyer. Horrible! A low tap was heard at the room door. Mr. Bob Sawyer looked expressively at his friend and bade the tapper come in whereupon a dirty slip-shot girl in black cotton stockings who might have passed for the neglected daughter of a superannuated dustman in very reduced circumstances thrust in her head and said, Please Mr. Sawyer, Mrs. Raddle wants to speak to you. Before Mr. Bob Sawyer could return any answer, the girl suddenly disappeared with a jerk as if someone had given her a violent pull behind. This mysterious exit was no sooner accomplished than there was another tap at the door. A smart, pointed tap which seemed to say, Here I am and in I'm coming. Mr. Bob Sawyer glanced at his friend with a look of abject apprehension and once more cried, Come in. The permission was not at all necessary for before Mr. Bob Sawyer had uttered the words, A little fierce woman bounced into the room all in a tremble with passion and pale with rage. Now Mr. Sawyer said the little fierce woman trying to appear very calm. If you'll have the kindness to settle that little bill of mine, I'll thank you because I've got my rent to pay this afternoon and my landlords are waiting below now. Here the little woman rubbed her hands and looked steadily over Mr. Bob Sawyer's head at the wall behind him. I am very sorry to put you to any inconvenience Mrs. Rowell said Bob Sawyer deferentially but oh it isn't any inconvenience to reply the little woman with a shrill titter. I didn't want it particular before today least ways as it has to go to my landlord directly it was as well for you to keep it as me. You promised me this afternoon Mr. Sawyer and every gentleman as has ever lived here has kept his word sir as of course anybody as calls himself a gentleman does. Mrs. Rowell tossed her head bit her lips rubbed her hands harder and looked at the wall more steadily than ever. It was plain to see as Mr. Bob Sawyer remarked in a style of eastern allegory on a subsequent occasion that she was getting the steam up. I am very sorry Mrs. Rowell said Bob Sawyer with all imaginable humility but the fact is that I have been disappointed in the city today. Extraordinary place that city an astonishing number of men always are getting disappointed there. Well, Mr. Sawyer said Mrs. Rattle planting herself firmly on a purple cauliflower in the Kidderminster carpet and what's that to me sir? I I have no doubt Mrs. Rattle said Bob Sawyer blinking this last question that before the middle of next week we shall be able to set ourselves quite square and go on on a better system afterwards. This was all Mrs. Rattle wanted. She had bustled up to the apartment of the unlucky Bob Sawyer so bent on going into a passion that in all probability payment would have rather disappointed her than otherwise. She was an excellent order for a little relaxation of the kind having just exchanged a few introductory compliments with Mr. R in the front kitchen. Do you suppose Mr. Sawyer said Mrs. Rattle elevating her voice for the information of the neighbors? Do you suppose that I'm a going day after day to let a fellow occupy my lodgings as never thinks of paying his rent nor even the very money laid out for the fresh butter and lump sugar that's bought for his breakfast and the very milk that's took in at the street door? Do you suppose a hardworking and industrious woman as has lived in this street for twenty year? Ten year over the way and nine and three quarters in this very house has nothing else to do but to work herself to death after a parcel of lazy idle fellas that are always smoking and drinking and lounging when they ought to be glad to turn their hands to anything that would help them to pay their bills? Do you? My good soul interposed Mr. Benjamin Allen soothingly have the goodness to keep your observations to yourself sir I beg said Mrs. Raddell suddenly arresting the rapid torrent of her speech and addressing the third party with impressive slowness and solemnity I am not aware sir that you have any right to address your conversation to me I don't think I let these apartments to you sir No you certainly did not said Mr. Benjamin Allen Very good sir responded Mrs. Raddell with lofty politeness then perhaps sir you'll confine yourself to breaking the arms and legs of the poor people in the hospitals and keep yourself to yourself sir or there may be some persons here as will make you sir But you are such an unreasonable woman remonstrated Mr. Benjamin Allen I beg your parting young man said Mrs. Raddell with a in a cold perspiration of anger but will you have the goodness just to call me that again sir I didn't make the use of the word in any envidious sense ma'am replied Mr. Benjamin Allen growing someone uneasy on his own account I beg your parting young man demanded Mrs. Raddell in a louder and more imperative tone but who do you call a woman did you make that remark to me sir why bless my heart said Mr. Benjamin Allen did you apply that name to me I ask of you sir interrupted Mrs. Raddell with the intense fierceness throwing the door wide open why of course I did replied Mr. Benjamin Allen yes of course you did said Mrs. Raddell backing gradually to the door and raising her voice to its loudest pitch for the special behoof of Mr. Raddell in the kitchen yes of course you did and everybody knows that they may safely insult me in my own house while my husband sits sleeping downstairs and taking no more notice than if I was a dog in the streets he ought to be ashamed of himself here Mrs. Raddell sobbed to allow his wife to be treated in this way by a parcel of young cutters and carvers of live people's bodies that disgraces the lodgings another sob and leaving her exposed to all manner of abuse a face faint hearted timorous wretch that's afraid to come upstairs and face the ruffianly creatures that's afraid that's afraid to come Mrs. Raddell paused to listen whether the repetition of the taunt had roused her better half and finding that it had not been successful proceeded to descend the stairs with sobs innumerable when there came a loud double knock at the street door whereupon she burst into a hysterical fit of weeping accompanied with dismal moans which whispered along till the knock had been repeated six times when in an uncontrollable burst of mental agony she threw down all the umbrellas and disappeared into the back parlor closing the door after her with an awful crash does Mr. Sawyer live here said Mr. Pickwick when the door was opened yes said the girl first floor it's the door straight up for you when you get to the top of the stairs having given this instruction the handmade who had been brought up among the Aboriginal inhabitants of Southwark disappeared with the candle in her hand down the kitchen stairs perfectly satisfied that she had done everything that could possibly be required of her unto the circumstances Mr. Snodgrass who entered last secured the street door after several ineffectual efforts by putting up the chain and the friends stumbled upstairs where they were received by Mr. Bob Sawyer who had been afraid to go down lest he should be waylaid by Mrs. Raddle how are you said the discomfited student glad to see you take take care of the glasses this caution was addressed to Mr. Pickwick who had put his hat in the tray dear me said Mr. Pickwick I beg your pardon don't mention it don't mention it said Bob Sawyer I'm rather confined for room here but you must put up with all that when you come to see a young bachelor walk in you've seen this gentleman before I think Mr. Pickwick shook hands with Mr. Benjamin Allen and his friends followed his example they had scarcely taken their seats when there was another double knock I hope that's Jack Hopkins said Mr. Bob Sawyer hush yes it is come up Jack come up a heavy footstep was heard upon the stairs and Jack Hopkins presented himself he wore a black velvet waistcoat with thunder and lightning buttons and a blue striped shirt with a white false collar your late jack said Mr. Benjamin Allen been detained at Bartholomews replied Hopkins anything new no nothing in particular rather a good accident brought him to the casualty ward what was that sir inquired Mr. Pickwick only a man fallen out of a four pair of stairs window but it's a very fair case indeed do you mean that the patient is in a fair way to recover inquired Mr. Pickwick no replied Mr. Hopkins carelessly no I should rather say he wouldn't there must be a splendid operation though tomorrow they get this inside of slasher does it you consider Mr. Slasher a good operator said Mr. Pickwick best alive replied Hopkins took a boy's leg out of the socket last week boy ate five apples and a gingerbread cake exactly two minutes after it was all over boy said he wouldn't lie there to be made game of and he'd tell his mother if they didn't begin dear me said Mr. Pickwick astonished poo that's nothing it that ain't said Jack Hopkins is it Bob nothing at all replied Mr. Bob Sawyer by the bye Bob said Hopkins with a scarcely perceptible glance at Mr. Pickwick's attentive face we had a curious accident last night a child was brought in who has swallowed a necklace swallowed what sir interrupted Mr. Pickwick a necklace replied Jack Hopkins not all at once you know that would be too much you couldn't swallow that if the child did hey Mr. Pickwick Mr. Hopkins appeared highly gratified with his own pleasantry and continued no the way was this child's parents were poor people who lived in a court child's eldest sister bought a necklace common necklace made of large black wooden beads child being fond of toys cribbed necklace hit it played with it cut the string and swallowed a bead child thought at capital fun went back the next day and swallow another bead plus my heart said Mr. Pickwick what a dreadful thing I beg your pardon sir go on next day child swallowed two beads day after that he treated himself to three and so on till in a week's time he had got through the necklace 20 and five beads in all the sister who was an industrious girl and seldom treated herself to a bit of finery cried her eyes out at the loss of the necklace looked high and low for it but I needn't say didn't find it a few days afterwards the family were at dinner baked shoulder of mutton and potatoes under it the child who wasn't hungry was playing about at the room when suddenly there was heard a devil of a noise like a small hailstorm don't do that my boy said the father I ain't doing nothing said the child well don't do it again said the father there was a short silence and then the noise began again worse than ever if you don't mind what I say my boy said the father you'll find yourself in bed in something less than a pig's whisper he gave the child a shake to make him obedient and such a rattling ensued as nobody had ever heard before why damn it's in the child said the father he's got the crook in the wrong place no I haven't father said the child beginning to cry it's the necklace I swallowed father the father caught the child up and ran with him to the hospital the beads in the boy's stomach rattling all the way with the jolting and people looking up in the air down in the sellers to see where the unusual sound came from he's in the hospital now said jack hopkins and he makes such a devil of a noise when he walks about that they're obliged to muffle him in a watchman's code for fear he should wake the patients that's the most extraordinary case I ever heard of said mr. pickwick with an emphatic blow on the table all that's nothing said jack hopkins is it bob certainly not replied bob Sawyer very singular things occur in our profession I can assure you sir said hopkins so I should be disposed to imagine said mr. pickwick another knock at the door announced a large-headed young man in a black wig who brought with him a score beautic youth in a long stock the next comer was a gentleman in a shirt emblazoned with pink anchors who was closely followed by a pale youth with a plated watch guard the arrival of a prim personage in clean linen and cloth boots rendered the party complete the little table with the green bay's cover was wheeled out the first installment of punch was brought in in a white jug and the succeeding three hours were devoted to van tayen at six pence a dozen which was only once interrupted by a slight dispute between the score beauty youth and the gentleman with the pink anchors in the course of which the score beauty youth intimated a burning desire to pull the nose of the gentleman with the emblems of hope in reply to which that individual expressed his decided unwillingness to accept any of the sauce on gratuitous terms either from the erasable young gentleman with a score beauty continents or any other person who was ornamented with a head when the last natural had been declared in the profit and loss account of fish and six pence is adjusted to the satisfaction of all parties Mr. Bob Sawyer rang for supper and the visitors squeezed themselves into corners while it was getting ready it was not so easily got ready as some people may imagine first of all it was necessary to awaken the girl who had fallen asleep with her face on the kitchen table this took a little time and even when she did answer the bell another quarter of an hour was consumed in fruitless endeavors to impart to her a faint and distant glimmering of reason the man to whom the order for the oysters had been sent had not been told to open them it is a very difficult thing to open an oyster with a limp knife and a two pronged fork and very little was done in this way very little of the beef was done either and the ham which was also from the German sausage shop around the corner was in a similar predicament however there was plenty of porter in a tin can and the cheese went a great way for it was very strong so upon the whole perhaps the supper was quite as good as such matters usually are after supper another jug of punch was put upon the table together with a paper of cigars and a couple bottles of spirits then there was an awful pause and this awful pause was occasioned by a very common occurrence in this sort of place but a very embarrassing one notwithstanding the fact is the girl was washing the dishes the establishment boasted for we did not record the circumstances as at all derogatory to mrs. rattle for there never was a lodging house yet that was not short of glasses the landlady's glasses were thin little blown glass tumblers and those which had been borrowed from the public house were great dropsicle bloated articles each supported on a huge gouty leg this would have been in itself sufficient to have possessed the company with the real state of affairs but the young woman of all work had prevented the possibility of any misconception arising in the mind of any gentleman upon the subject by forcibly dragging every man's glass away long before he had finished his beer and audibly stating despite the winks and interruptions of mr. bob Sawyer that it was to be conveyed downstairs and washed forthwith it is a very ill wind that blows nobody any good the prim man in the cloth boots who had been unsuccessfully attempting to make a joke during the whole time the round game lasted saw his opportunity and availed himself of it the instant the glasses disappeared he commenced a long story about a great public care whose name he had forgotten making a particularly happy reply to another eminent and illustrious individual whom he had never been able to identify he enlarged at some length and with great minuteness upon diverse collateral circumstances distantly connected with the anecdote in hand but for the life of him he couldn't recollect at that precise moment what the antidote was although he had been in the habit of telling the story with great applause for the last 10 years dear me said the prim man in the cloth boots it is a very extraordinary circumstance i'm sorry you have forgotten it said mr. bob Sawyer glancing eagerly at the door as he thought he heard the noise of glasses jingling very sorry some i responded the prim man because i know it would have afforded so much amusement never mind i i dare say i shall manage to recollect it in the course of half an hour or so the prim man arrived at this point just as the glasses came back when mr. bob Sawyer who had been absorbed in attention during the whole time said he should very much like to hear the end of it for so far as it went it was without exception the very best story he had ever heard the side of the tumblers restored bob store Sawyer to a degree of equanimity which he had not possessed since his interview with his landlady his face brightened and he began to feel quite convivial now Betsy said mr. bob Sawyer with great suavity and dispersing at the same time the tumultuous little mob of glasses the girl had collected in the center of the table now Betsy the warm water be brisk there's a good girl you can't have no warm water replied Betsy no warm water exclaimed mr. bob Sawyer no said the girl with a shake of the head that expressed a more decided negative than the most copious language could have conveyed mrs. rattles said you weren't to have none the surprise depicted on the countenances of his guests imparted new courage to the host praying up the warm water instantly instantly said mr. bob Sawyer with desperate sternness no i can't replied the girl mrs. rattles waked out the kitchen fire a force she went to bed and locked up the kettle oh never mind never mind pray don't disturb yourself about such a trifle said mr. pickwick observing the conflict of bob Sawyer's passions as depicted in his countenance cold water will do very well oh admirably said mr. benjamin allen my landlady is subject to some slight attacks of mental derangement remarked bob Sawyer with a ghastly smile i fear i must give her warning no don't said ben allen i fear i must said bob with heroic firmness i'll pay her what i owe her and give her warning tomorrow morning poor fellow how devoutly he wished he could mr. bob Sawyer's heart-sickening attempts to rally under this last blow communicated a dispiriting influence to the company the greater part of whom with the view of raising their spirits attached themselves with extra cordiality to the cold brandy and water the first perceptible effects of which were displayed in a renewal of hostilities between the scorbutic youth and the gentleman in the shirt the belligerents vented their feelings of mutual contempt for some time in a variety of frownings and snortings until at last the scorbutic youth felt it necessary to come to a more explicit understanding on the matter when the following clear understanding took place Sawyer said the scorbutic youth in a loud voice well naughty replied mr. bob Sawyer i should be very sorry Sawyer said mr. naughty to create any unpleasantness at any friend's table and much less at yours Sawyer very but i must take this opportunity of informing mr. gunter that he is no gentleman and i should be very sorry Sawyer to create any disturbance in the street in which you reside said mr. gunter but i'm afraid i shall be under the necessity of alarming the neighbors by throwing the person who has just spoken out a window what do you mean by that sir inquired mr. naughty what i say sir replied mr. gunter i should like to see you do it sir said mr. naughty you shall feel me do it in half a minute sir replied mr. gunter i request that you'll favor me with your card sir said mr. naughty i'll do nothing of the kind sir replied mr. gunter why not sir inquired mr. naughty because you'll stick it up over your chimney piece and delude your visitors into the false belief that a gentleman has been to see you sir replied mr. gunter sir a friend of mine shall wait on you in the morning said mr. naughty sir i'm very much obliged to you for the caution and i'll leave particular directions with the servant to lock up the spoons replied mr. gunter at this point the remainder of the guests interposed and remonstrated with both parties on the impropriety of their conduct on which mr. naughty begged to state that his father was quite as respectable as mr. gunter's father to which mr. gunter replied that his father was to the full as respectable as mr. naughty's father and that his father's son was as good a man as mr. naughty any day in the week as this announcement seemed the prelude to a recommencement of the dispute there was another interference on the part of the company and a vast quantity of talking and clamoring ensued in the course of which mr. naughty gradually allowed his feelings to overpower him and professed that he had ever entertained a devoted personal attachment toward mr. gunter to this mr. gunter replied that upon the whole he rather preferred mr. naughty to his own brother on hearing which admission mr. naughty magnanimously rose from his seat and proffered his hand to mr. gunter mr. gunter grasped it with affecting fervor and everybody said that the whole dispute had been conducted in a manner which was highly honorable to both parties concerned now said jeb hopkins just to set us going again bob i don't mind singing a song and hopkins incited there too by tumultuous applause plunged himself at once into the king god bless him which he sang as loud sees could to a novel air compounded of the bay of bisque and a frog he would the chorus was the essence of the song and as each gentleman sang it to the tune he knew best the effect was very striking indeed it was at the end of the chorus to the first verse that mr. pickwick held up his hand in a listening attitude and said as soon as silence was restored hush i beg your pardon i thought i heard somebody calling from upstairs a profound silence immediately ensued and mr. bob soyer was observed to turn pale i think i hear it now said mr. pickwick had the goodness to open the door the door was no sooner opened than all doubt on the subject was removed mr. soyer mr. soyer screamed a voice from the two-pair landing it's my landlady said bob soyer looking around him with great dismay yes mrs. rattle what do you need by this mr. soyer replied the voice with great shrillness and rapidity of utterness aided enough to be swindled out of one's rent and money lent out of pocket besides abused and insulted by your friends that dares to call themselves men without having the house turned out of the window and noise enough made to bring the fire engines here at two o'clock in the morning turned them wretches away you ought to be ashamed of yourselves said the voice of mr. rattle which appeared to proceed from beneath some distant bedclothes ashamed of themselves said mrs. rattle why don't you go down and knock them everyone downstairs you would view as a man i should if i was a dozen men my dear replied mr. rattle pacifically but they have the advantage of me in numbers my dear okay you coward replied mrs. rattle with supreme contempt do you mean to turn them wretches out or not mr. soyer they're going they're mrs. rattle they're going said the miserable bob i'm afraid you better go said mr. bob soyer to his friends i thought you were making too much noise it's a very unfortunate thing said the prim man just as we were getting so comfortable too the prim man was just beginning to have a dawning recollection of the story he had forgotten it's hardly to be born said the prim man looking around hardly to be born is it not to be endured replied jack hopkins let's have the other first bob come here goes no no jack don't impose bob soyer it's a capital song but i'm afraid we had better not have the other verse they are very violent people the people of the house shall i step upstairs and pitch into the landlord inquired hopkins or keep ringing the bell or go and groan on the staircase you may command me bob i am very much indebted to you for your friendship and good nature hopkins said the wretched mr. bob soyer but i think the best plan to avoid any further dispute is for us to break up at once no mr. soyer screamed the shrill voice of mrs. rattle all right the emperor's going they're only looking for their hats mrs. rattle said bob they are going directly going said mrs. rattle thrusting her nightcap over the banisters just as mr. pickwick followed by mr. tup and emerge from the sitting room going what did they ever come for my dear ma'am from ronstrated mr. pickwick looking up get along with you old wretched replied mrs. rattle hastily withdrawing the nightcap old enough to be his grandfather you willing you're worse than any of them mr. pickwick found it in vain to protest his innocence so hurry downstairs to the street whether he was closely followed by mr. toplan mr. winkel and mr. snodgrass mr. ben allen who was dismally depressed with spirits and agitation accompanied them as far as london bridge and in the course of the walk confided to mr. winkel as an especially eligible person to entrust the secret to that he was resolved to cut the throat of any gentleman except mr. bob soyer who should aspire to the affections of his sister arabella having expressed his determination to perform this painful duty of a brother with proper firmness he burst into tears knocked his hat over his eyes and making the best of his way back knocked double knocks at the door the borough market office and took short naps on the steps alternately until daybreak under the firm impression that he lived there and had forgotten the key the visitors having all departed in compliance with the rather pressing request of mrs. rattle the luckless mr. bob soyer was left alone to meditate on the probable events of tomorrow and the pleasures of the evening end of chapter 32 recording by david a stokely bristol indiana www.a new creature.blogspot.com chapter 33 of the pickwick papers this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by debri lin the pickwick papers by charles dickens chapter 33 mr. weller the elder delivers some critical sentiments respecting literary composition and assisted by his son samuel pays a small installment of retaliation to the account of the reverend gentleman with the red nose the morning of the 13th of february which the readers of this authentic narrative know as well as we do to have been the day immediately proceeding that which was appointed for the trial of mrs. bardell's actions was a busy time for mr. samuel weller who was perpetually engaged in traveling from the george and vulture to mr. perker's chambers and back again from in between the hours of nine o'clock in the morning and two in the afternoon both inclusive not that there was anything whatever to be done for the consultation had taken place and the course of proceeding to be adopted had been finally determined on but mr. pickwick being in a most extreme state of excitement persevered in constantly sending small notes to his attorney merely containing the inquiry dear perker is all going on well to which mr. perker invariably forwarded the reply dear pickwick as well as possible the fact being as we have already hinted that there was nothing whatever to go on either well or ill until the sitting of the court on the following morning but people who go voluntarily to law or are taken forcibly there for the first time may be allowed to labor under some temporary irritation and anxiety and sam with a due allowance for the frailties of human nature obeyed all his masters behests with that imperturbable good humor and unruffable composure which formed one of his most striking and amiable characteristics sam had solaced himself for the most agreeable little dinner and was waiting at the bar for the glass of warm mixture in which mr. pickwick had requested him to drown the fatigues of his morning's walks when a young boy of about three feet high or thereabouts in a hairy cap and fushion overalls whose garb bespoke a laudable ambition to attain in time the elevation of an hustler entered the passage of the georgian vulture and looked first up the stairs and then along the passage and then into the bar as if in search of somebody to whom he bore a commission whereupon the barmaid conceiving it not improbable that the said commission might be directed to the tiered tablespoons of the establishment a cost of the boy with now young man what do you want is there anybody here named sam inquired the youth in a loud voice of trouble quality what's the tether name said sam weller looking round how should i know briskly replied the young gentleman below the hairy cap you're a sharp boy you are said mr. weller only i wouldn't show that where he financed too much if i was you in case anybody took it off what do you mean by coming to a hotel and asking order sam with as much politeness as a vile indian because an old gentleman told me to replied the boy what old gentleman inquired sam with deep disdain him as drives the ipswitch coach and uses our parlor rejoins the boy he told me yesterday morning to come to the georgian walter this outer noon and ask for sam it's my father my dear said mr. weller turning with an explanatory air to the young lady in the bar blessed if i think he hardly knows what my other name is well young broccoli sprout what then why then said the old boy you was to come to him at six o'clock to our house because he wants to see you blue bore led an all market shall i say you're coming you may winter on that air statement sir replied sam and thus empowered the young gentleman walked away awakening all the echoes in george yard as he did so with several chased and extremely correct imitations of a drover's whistle delivered in a tone of peculiar richness and volume mr. weller having obtained leave of absence from mr. pickwick who in his then state of excitement and worry was by no means displeased at being left alone sat forth long before the appointed hour and having plenty of time at his disposal sauntered down as far as the mansion house where he paused and contemplated with a face of great calmness and philosophy the numerous cadds and drivers of short stages who assembled near that famous place of resort to the great terror and confusion of the old lady population of these realms having loitered here for half an hour or so mr. weller turned and began wending his way towards lead and all market through a variety of by streets and courts as he was sauntering away his spare time and stopped to look at almost every object that met his gaze it is by no means surprising that mr. weller should have paused before a small stationers and print sellers window but without further explanation it does appear surprising that his eyes should have no soon arrested on certain pictures which were exposed for sale therein then he gave a sudden start smote his right leg with great vehemence and exclaimed with energy if it hadn't been for this i should have forgot all about it till it was too late the particular picture on which sam weller's eyes were fixed as he said this was a highly colored representation of a couple of human hearts skewered together with an arrow cooking before a cheerful fire while a male and female cannibal in modern attire the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and white trousers and the lady in a deep red police with a parasol of the same were approaching the meal with hungry eyes up a serpentine gravel path leading therein to a decidedly indelicate young gentleman in a pair of wings and nothing else was depicted as superintending the cooking a representation of the spire of the church in langham place london appeared in the distance and the hall formed a valentine of which as a written inscription in the window testified there was a large assortment within which the shopkeeper pledged himself to dispose of to his countrymen generally at the reduced rate of one and six pence each i should have forgot it i should certainly have said sam so saying he at once stepped into the stationer's shop and requested to be served with a sheet of the best guilt-edged letter paper and a hard nibbed pen which could be warranted not to splutter these articles having been promptly supplied he walked on direct towards lednail market at a good round pace very different from his recent lingering one looking round him he there beheld a signboard on which the painter's art had delineated something remotely resembling a cerulean elephant with an aquiline nose in lieu of trunk rightly conjecturing that this was the blue boar himself he stepped into the house and inquired concerning his parent he won't be here this three quarters of an hour or more said the young lady who superintended the domestic arrangements of the blue boar very good my dear replied sam let me have nine penneth of brandy and water luke and the ink stand will you miss the brandy and water luke and the ink stand having been carried into the little parlor and the young lady having carefully flattened down the coals to prevent their blazing and carried away the poker to preclude the possibility of the fire being stirred without the full privacy and concurrence of the blue boar being first had and obtained sam weller sat himself down in a box near the stove and pulled out the sheet of guilt edged letter paper and the hard nibbed pen then looking carefully at the pen to see that there were no hairs in it and dusting down the table so that there might be no crumbs of bread under the paper sam tucked up the cuffs of his coat squared his elbows and composed himself to write to ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit of devoting themselves practically to the science of penmanship writing a letter is no very easy task it being always considered necessary in such cases for the writer to recline his head on his left arm so as to place his eyes as nearly as possible on a level with the paper and while glancing sideways at the letters he is constructing to form with his tongue imaginary characters to correspond these motions although unquestionably of the greatest assistance to original composition retard in some degree the progress of the writer and sam had unconsciously been a full hour and a half writing words in small text smearing out wrong letters with his little finger and putting in new ones which required going over very often to render them visible through the old blot when he was roused by the opening of the door and the entrance of his parent well sammy said the father well my prussian blue responded the son laying down his pen what's the last bulletin about mother-in-law mrs veller passed a very good night but his uncommon perverse and unpleasant this morning signed upon old tony veller s choir that's the last one was issued sammy replied mr. weller untieing his shawl no better yet inquired sam all the symptoms aggravated replied mr. weller shaking his head but what's that you're a doing of pursuit of knowledge under difficulties sammy i've done now said sam with slight embarrassment i've been a writing so i see replied mr. weller not to any young woman i hope sammy why it's no use of saying it ain't replied sam it's a valentine a what exclaimed mr. weller apparently horror-stricken by the word a valentine replied sam sammable sammable said mr. weller in reproachful accents i didn't think you'd had done it out of the warning you've had your father's wishes propensities are to all i've said to you upon this your weary subject are to actively seein and being in the company of your own mother-in-law which i should have thought with some oral lesson as no man could never have forgotten to his dying day i didn't think you had done it sammy i didn't think you'd had done it these reflections were too much for the good old man he raised sam's tumbler to his lips and drank off its contents what's the matter now said sam never mind sammy replied mr. weller it'll be a weary agonizing trial to me at my time of life but i'm pretty tough that's fun consolation as the weary old turkey remarked when the farmer said he was afraid he should be obliged to kill him for the london market what'll be a trial inquired sam to see you married sammy to see you a deluded victim and thinking in your innocence that it's all weary capital replied mr. weller it's a dreadful trial to a father's feelings that air sammy nonsense said sam i ain't gonna get married don't you fret yourself about that i know you're a judge of these things ordering your pipe and i'll read you the letter there we cannot distinctly say whether it was the prospect of the pipe or the consolatory reflection that a fatal disposition to get married ran in the family and couldn't be helped which calmed mr. weller's feelings and caused his grief to subside we should be rather disposed to say that the result was attained by combining the two sources of consolation for he repeated the second in a low tone very frequently ringing the bell meanwhile to order in the first he then divested himself of his upper coat and lighting the pipe and placing himself in front of the fire with his back towards it so that he could feel its full heat and reclining against the mantelpiece at the same time turned towards sam and with accountants greatly modified by the softening influence of tobacco requested him to fire away sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for any corrections and began with a very theatrical air lovely stop said mr. weller ringing the bell a double glass of the unwariable my dear very well sir replied the girl who with great quickness appeared vanished returned and disappeared they seemed to know your ways here observed sam yes replied his father i've been here before in my time go on sammy lovely creedor repeated sam tainted poetry is it and opposed his father no no replied sam very glad to hear it said mr. weller poetry's unnatural no man ever talked poetry stepped a beetle on box and a or warren's blacken or rowling's oil or some of them low fellows never you let yourself down to talk poetry my boy begin again sammy mr. weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity and sam once more commenced and read as follows lovely creedor i feel myself a damned that ain't proper said mr. weller taking his pipe from his mouth no it ain't damned observed sam holding the letter up to the light it's shamed there's a blot there i feel myself ashamed very good said mr. weller go on feel myself ashamed and completely sir i forget what this here word is said sam scratching his head with the pen in vain attempts to remember why don't you look at it then inquired mr. weller so why am i looking at it replied sam there's another blot here's a c and a i and a d circumvented perhaps suggested mr. weller no it ain't that said sam circumscribed that's it that ain't as good a word a circumvented sammy said mr. weller gravely think not said sam nothing like it replied his father but don't you think it means more inquired sam well perhaps it's a more tenderer word said mr. weller after a few moments reflection go on sammy feel myself ashamed and completely circumscribed in a dressing of you for you are a nice gal and nothing but it that's a very pretty sentiment said the elder mr. weller removing his pipe to make way for the remark yes i think it is rather good observed sam highly flattered what i like in that air style of writing said the elder mr. weller is that there ain't no call and names in it no weenuses nor nothing of that kind what's the good of calling a young woman a weenus or an angel sammy ah what indeed replied sam you might just as well call her a griffin or a unicorn or a king's arms at once which is very well known to be a collection of fabulous animals added mr. weller just as well replied sam drive on sammy said mr. weller sam complied with the request and proceeded as follows his father continuing to smoke with a mixed expression of wisdom and complacency which was particularly edifying before i see you i thought all women was a light so they are observed the elder mr. weller parenthetically but now continued sam now i find what a regular soft headed in credulous turnip i must hub in for there ain't nobody like you though i like you better than nothing at all i thought it best to make that razor strong said sam looking up mr. weller nodded approvingly and sam resumed so i take the privilege of the day merry my dear as the gentlemen in difficulties did when he walked out of a sunday to tell you that the first and only time i see you your likeness was took on my heart in much quicker time and brighter colors than ever a likeness was took by the profile machine which perhaps you may have heard on merry my dear although it does finish a portrait and put the frame and glass on complete with a hook at the end to hang it up by and all in two minutes and a quarter i am a fear that word is on the poetical sammy said mr. weller dubiously know it don't replied sam reading on very quickly to avoid contesting the point accept of me merry my dear as your wellentine and think over what i've said my dear mary i will now conclude that's all said sam that's rather a sudden pull-up ain't it sammy inquired mr. weller not a bit in it said sam she'll wish there was more and that's the great art a letter writing well said mr. weller there's something in that and i wish your mother-in-law had only conduct her conversation on the same gentile principle ain't you are going to sign it that's the difficulty said sam i don't know what to sign it sign it veller said the oldest surviving proprietor of that name won't do said sam never sign a wellentine with your own name sign it pick with then said mr. weller it's a very good name and an easy one to spell the wary thing said sam i could end with the worst what do you think i don't like it sam rejoined mr. weller i never know the respectable coachman has wrote poetry except one has made an effective copy of worse is the night before he was hung for a highway robbery and he was only a camberbell man so even that's no rule but sam was not to be dissuaded from the political idea that had occurred to him so he signed the letter your love sick pickwick and having folded it in a very intricate manner squeezed a downhill direction in one corner to marry housemaid at mr. knupkins's mayor's ip switch suffix and put it into his pocket wafered and ready for the general post this important business having been transacted mr. weller the elder proceeded to open that on which he had summoned his son the first matter relates to your governor sammy said mr. weller he is it going to be tried tomorrow eighty the trials are coming on replied sam well said mr. weller now i suppose he'll want to call some witnesses to speak to his character or perhaps to prove a alibi i've been a turn in the business over in my mind and he may make himself easy sammy i've got some friends as i'll do either for him but my advice would be this here never mind the character and stick to the alibi nothing like a alibi sammy nothing mr. weller looked very profound as he delivered this legal opinion and burying his nose in his tumbler winked over the top thereof at his astonished son why what do you mean said sam you don't think he's going to be tried at the old bailey do you that ain't no part of the present consideration sammy replied mr. weller wherever he's going to be tried my boy our alibi is the thing to get him off we got town build spark off that airman slaughter with the alibi then all the big things to a man said is nothing couldn't save him and my opinion is sammy that if your governor don't prove a alibi he'll be what the italians call regularly flummoxed and that's all about it as the elder mr. weller entertained a firm and unalterable conviction that the old bailey was the supreme court of judicature in this country and that its rules and forms of proceeding regulated and controlled the practice of all other courts of justice whatsoever he totally disregarded the assurances and arguments of his son tending to show that the alibi was inadmissible and vehemently protested that mr. pickwick was being victimized finding that it was of no use to discuss the matter further sam changed the subject and inquired what the second topic was on which his revered parent wished to consult him that's a pint of domestic policy sammy said mr. weller this here stiggins red-nosed man inquired sam the wary same replied mr. weller this here red-nosed man sammy wizards your mother-in-law for the kindness and constancy i never see equaled he's such a friend of the family sammy that when he's away from us he can't be comfortable unless he has something to remember us by and i give him something as a turpentine and beeswax his memory for the next ten years or so if i was you interposed sam stop a minute said mr. weller i was going to say he always brings now a flat bottle as holds about a pint and a half and fills it with the pineapple rum before he goes away and empties it before he comes back i suppose said sam clean replied mr. weller never leaves nothing in it but the cork and the smell trust him for that sammy now these here fellows my boy are going tonight to get up the monthly meeting of the brick lane branch of the united grand junction ebony's or temperance association your mother-in-law was a going sammy but she's got the romantics and can't and i sammy i've got the two tickets as was sent her mr. weller communicated this secret with great glee and winked so indifatigably after doing so that sam began to think he must have got the tick doleroo in his right eyelid well said that young gentleman well continued his progenitor looking around him very cautiously you and i'll go punk to wool to the time the deputy shepherd won't sammy the deputy shepherd won't here mr. weller was seized with the paroxysm of chuckles which gradually terminated in his near and approach to a choke as an elderly gentleman can with safety sustain well i never see such an old ghost in all my born days exclaimed sam rubbing the old gentleman's back hard enough to set him on fire with a friction what are you laughing at corpulence how's sammy said mr. weller looking around him with increased caution and speaking in a whisper two friends of mine his works at the oxford road and it's up to all kinds of games has got the deputy shepherd safe in tow sammy and then he does come to the ebony's or junction which he's sure to do for they'll see him to the door and shove him in if necessary he'll be as far gone in rum and water as ever he was at the marcus of grand b dorken and that's not saying a little neither and with this mr. weller once more laughed and moderately and once more relapsed into a state of partial suffocation and consequence nothing could have been more in accordance with sam weller's feelings than the projected exposure of the real propensities and qualities of the red-nosed man and it being very near the appointed hour of meeting the father and son took their way at once to brick lane sam not forgetting to drop his letter into a general post office as they walked along the monthly meetings of the brick lane branch of the united grand junction ebony's or temperance association were held in a large room pleasantly and eerily situated at the top of a safe and commodious ladder the president was the straight walking mr. anthony home a converted fireman now a school master and occasionally an itinerant preacher and the secretary was mr. jonas mudge Chandler's shopkeeper an enthusiastic and disinterested vessel who sold tea to the members previous to the commencement of business the ladies sat upon forms and drank tea till such time as they considered it expedient to leave off and a large wooden money box was conspicuously placed upon the green bay's cloth of the business table behind which the secretary stood and acknowledged with a gracious smile every addition to the rich vein of copper which lay concealed within on this particular occasion the women drank tea to a most alarming extent greatly to the horror of mr. weller senior who utterly regardless of all sam's admonitory nudging stared about him in every direction with the most undisguised astonishment sammy whispered mr. weller if some of these here people don't want to happen tomorrow morning i ain't your father and that's what it is why this year old lady next to me is a drowned in herself in tea be quiet can't you murmured sam sam whispered mr. weller a moment afterwards in a tone of deep agitation mark my birds my boy if dad air secretary fellow keeps on for only five minutes more he'll blow his self up with toast and water well let him if he likes replied sam it ain't no business a yarn if this here lasts much longer sammy said mr. weller in the same low voice i shall feel at my duty as a human being to rise and address the cheer there's a young woman on the next form but two is his drunk nine breakfast cups and a half and she's a swollen wisdomly before my wary eyes there is little doubt that mr. weller would have carried his benevolent intention into immediate execution if a great noise occasioned by putting up the cups and saucers had not very fortunately announced that the tea drinking was over the crockery having been removed the table with the green bay's cover was carried out into the center of the room and the business of the evening was commenced by a little emphatic man with a bald head and drab shorts who suddenly rushed up the ladder at the imminent peril of snapping the two little legs encased in the drab shorts and said ladies and gentlemen i move our excellent brother mr. anthony hum into the chair the ladies waved a choice selection of pocket handkerchiefs at this proposition and the impetuous little man literally moved mr. hum into the chair by taking him by the shoulders and thrusting him into a mahogany frame which had once represented that article of furniture the waving of handkerchiefs was renewed and mr. hum who was a sleek white-faced man in a perpetual perspiration bowed meekly to the great admiration of the females and formally took his seat silence was then proclaimed by the little man in the drab shorts and mr. hum rose and said that with the permission of his brick lane branch brothers and sisters then in their present the secretary would read the report of the brick lane branch committee a proposition which was again received with a demonstration of pocket handkerchiefs the secretary having sneezed in a very impressive manner and the cough which always seizes in assembly when anything particular is going to be done having been duly performed the following document was read report of the committee of the brick lane branch of the united grand junction ebony's or temperance association your committee have pursued their grateful labors during the past month and have the unspeakable pleasure of reporting the following additional cases of converts to temperance h walker taylor wife and two children when in better circumstances owns to having been in the constant habit of drinking ale and beer says he is not certain whether he did not twice a week for 20 years taste dogs nose which your committee find upon inquiry to be compounded of warm porter moist sugar gin and nutmeg a groan and so it is from an elderly female is now out of work in penniless thinks it must be the porter cheers or the loss of the use of his right hand is not certain which but thinks that very likely that if he had drunk nothing but water all his life his fellow workmen would never have stuck a rusty needle in him and thereby occasioned his accident tremendous cheering has nothing but cold water to drink and never feels thirsty great applause betsy martin widow one child and one eye goes out cheering and washing by the day never had more than one eye but knows her mother drank bottled stout and shouldn't wonder if that caused it immense cheering thinks it not impossible that if she had always abstained from spirits she might have had two eyes by this time tremendous applause used at every place she went to to have 18 pence a day a pint of porter and a glass of spirits but since she became a member of the brick lane branch has always demanded three and six pence the announcement of this most interesting fact was received with deafening enthusiasm henry beller was for many years toast master at various corporation dinners during which time he drank a great deal of foreign wine may sometimes have carried a bottle or two home with him he's not quite certain of that but is sure if he did that he drank the contents feels very low and melancholy is very feverish and has a constant thirst upon him thinks it must be the wine he used to drink cheers is out of employ now and never touches a drop of foreign wine by any chance tremendous plaudits thomas burton is purveyor of cats meet to the lord mayor and sheriffs and several members of the common council the announcement of this gentleman's name was received with breathless interest has a wooden leg finds a wooden leg expensive going over the stones used to wear second hand wooden legs and drink a glass of hot gin and water regularly every night sometimes too deep sighs found in the second hand wooden legs split and rot very quickly is firmly persuaded that their constitution was undermined by the gin and water prolonged cheering buys new wooden legs now and drinks nothing but water and weak tea the new legs last twice as long as the others used to do and he attributes this solely to his temperate habits triumphant cheers anthony home now moved at the assembly do regale itself with the song with the view to their rational and moral enjoyment brother mortland had adapted the beautiful words of who hasn't heard of the jolly young waterman to the tune of the old hundred which he would request them to join him in singing great applause he might take that opportunity of expressing his firm persuasion that the late mr. dibbon seeing the errors of his former life had written that song to show the advantages of abstinence it was a temperance song whirlwinds of cheers the neatness of the young man's attire the dexterity of his feathering the enviable state of mind which enabled him in the beautiful words of the poet to row along thinking of nothing at all all combined to prove that he must have been a water drinker cheers oh what a state of virtuous jollity rapturous cheering and what was the young man's reward but all young men present mark this the maidens all flocked to his boat so readily loud cheers in which the ladies joined what a bright example the sisterhood the maidens flocking round the young waterman and urging him along the stream of duty and of temperance but was it the maidens of humble life only who soothed consoled and supported him no he was always first oars with the fine city ladies immense cheering the soft sex to a man he begged pardon to a female rallied round the young waterman and turned with disgust from the drinker of spirits cheers the brick lane branch brothers were watermen cheers and laughter that room was their boat that audience with the maidens and he mr. anthony hum however unworthily was first oars unbounded applause what does he mean by the soft sex sammy inquired mr. weller in a whisper the woman said sam in the same tone he ain't far out there sammy replied mr. weller they must be a soft sex a wary soft sex indeed if they let themselves be gammoned by such fellers as him any further observations from the indignant old gentleman were cut short by the announcement of the song which mr. anthony hum gave out two lines at a time for the information of such of his hearers as were unacquainted with the legend while it was being sung the little man with the drab shorts disappeared he returned immediately on its conclusion and whispered mr. anthony hum with a face of the deepest importance my friends said mr. hum holding up his hand in a deprecatory manner to be speak the silence of such as the stout old ladies as we're yet a liner to behind my friends a delegate from the dorking branch of our society brother stiggins attends below out came the pocket handkerchiefs again in greater force than ever for mr. stiggins was excessively popular among the female constituency of brick lane he may approach i think said mr. hum looking round him with a fat smile brother tager let him come forth and greet us the little man in the drab shorts who answered to the name of brother tager bustled down the ladder with great speed and was immediately afterwards heard tumbling up with the revered mr. stiggins he's a common sammy whispered mr. weller purple in the countenance with suppressed laughter don't say nothing to me replied sam for i can't bear it he's close to the door i hear him and knocking his head against the laugh and plaster now as sam weller spoke the little door flew open and brother tager appeared closely followed by the revered mr. stiggins who no sooner entered than there was a great clapping of hands and stamping of feet and flourishing of handkerchiefs to all of which manifestations of delight brother stiggins returned no other acknowledgement than staring with a wild eye and a fixed smile at the extreme top of the wick of the candle on the table swaying his body to and fro meanwhile in a very unsteady and uncertain manner are you unwell brother stiggins whispered mr. anthony hum i am all right sir replied mr. stiggins in a tone in which ferocity was blended with an extreme thickness of utterance i am all right sir oh very well rejoined mr. anthony hum retreating a few paces i believe no man here has ventured to say that i am not all right sir said mr. stiggins oh certainly not said mr. hum i should advise him not to sir i should advise him not said mr. stiggins by this time the audience were perfectly silent and waited with some anxiety for the resumption of business will you address the meeting brother said mr. hum with a smile of invitation no sir rejoined mr. stiggins no sir i will not sir the meeting looked at each other with raised eyelids and a murmur of astonishment ran through the room it's my opinion sir said mr. stiggins unbuttoning his code and speaking very loudly it's my opinion sir that this meeting is drunk sir brother tager sir said mr. stiggins suddenly increasing in ferocity and turning sharp round on the little man in the drab shorts you are drunk sir with this mr. stiggins entertaining a praiseworthy desire to promote the sobriety of the meeting and to exclude there from all improper characters hit brother tager on the summit of the nose with such unerring aim that the drab shorts disappeared like a flash of lightning brother tager had been knocked headfirst down the ladder upon this the women set up a loud and dismal screaming and rushing in small parties before their favorite brothers flung their arms around them to preserve them from danger an instance of affection which had nearly proved fatal to hum who being extremely popular was all but suffocated by the crowd of female devotees that hung about his neck and heaped caresses upon him the greater part of the lights were quickly put out and nothing but noise and confusion resounded on all sides now sammy said mr. weller taking off his great coat with much deliberation just you step out and fetch in a watchman and what are you going to do the while inquired sam never you mind me sammy replied the old gentleman i shall occupy myself and having a small settlement with that air stiggins before sam could interfere to prevent it his heroic parent had penetrated into a remote corner of the room and attacked the reverend mr. stiggins with manual dexterity come off said sam come on cried mr. weller and without further invitation he gave the reverend mr. stiggins a preliminary tap on the head and began dancing around him in a buoyant and cork like manner which in a gentleman at his time of life was a perfect marvel to behold finding all remonstrances unavailing sam pulled his hat firmly on through his father's coat over his arm and taking the old man round the waist forcibly dragged him down the ladder and into the street never releasing his hold or permitting him to stop until they reached the corner as they gained it they could hear the shouts of the populace who were witnessing the removal of the reverend mr. stiggins to strong lodgings for the night and could hear the noise occasioned by the dispersion in various directions of the members of the bricklaying branch of the united grand junction ebb and ease or temperance association end of chapter thirty three