After working with hundreds of thousands of women all over the world since around 2005, I've discovered that there's a bunch of different things that can happen early on in a relationship, things that you can detect in a man that will create serious problems later down the line in the relationship that you have with them. And so if you meet a guy or you're dating a guy or you're in a relationship with a guy, what are some things that you should look for in order to determine whether this is a behavior that you should or shouldn't tolerate? And even more importantly, what do you do about it if these behaviors do end up coming up? So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Hello, my name is Matthew Coast and welcome to Commitment Connection. Today we're gonna be talking about five behaviors that you should never, ever, ever, ever tolerate in a man. And then what I'm gonna do at the end is tell you what to do about it, how to behave around it, how to set things up so that they don't happen. And if they do happen, what to do in order to either correct the behavior or decide whether this is the right person to actually be with. So number one, let's jump into it. Number one is long-term toxic patterns. And so this is something that a lot of people talk about, lots of coaches, whenever you hear somebody talking about things that you shouldn't be with a guy for, it's usually because of these types of patterns. And so I'm just gonna go through them real quickly that way if you haven't heard about these things before, maybe you'll learn about them right here and you'll start thinking about it in a little bit different of a way. So one is like addictions, really hard addictions. And most people have some kind of addiction to something, we might have some sugar cravings or maybe we're addicted to soap operas. I know who you are. I'm not addicted to soap operas, I swear. But if they have any, there's a lot of destructive, destructive addictions, things where you're addicted to, like really addicted to alcohol or drugs or pornography or just all kinds of different things, anything where it's destructive and it eats away at your soul, anything that you get overly addicted to and you're doing it a ton. And so much that it starts pulling you away from your regular life, that can be destructive, right? The magic is always in the middle with almost everything. But you wanna look for some serious addictions that a guy has. And if he has them, if it's a pattern and it's been kind of a long-term thing, that can be a serious problem because he'll never end up putting you above those addictions. The addictions always come first and it's really, really sad. So number two is abuse. Any kind of emotional or mental or physical abuse, you should never ever tolerate any of that kind of stuff ever in any situation. We're gonna talk about how to deal with that if you do encounter that. Next one is cheating. So any guy that cheats on you, that is a problem, obviously. Hopefully you know that that's a problem. Lying to you is a problem for a lot of different reasons. Most people, I mean, I don't know if I've ever met anybody in my life who's never lied before. There's a lot of people that are kind of like, oh, you know, never ever lie about anything. But, you know, if they get put into the right situation, they'll lie as well. And so, but if it's a pattern, right? How big are these lies? What kind of lies are these? And so you wanna kind of look at that in terms of a person's lying behavior. The next is avoidance or stonewalling. This is one of the most kind of destructive behaviors that somebody can have in a relationship. If there's a problem that comes up or whatever and they just completely shut down, they won't talk to you about it. They won't have a conversation with you about it. They get angry if you try to talk to them about it. That is a serious, serious problem that will destroy the relationship from the inside out if that exists in the relationship from a man or a woman. So you just don't wanna have that from either side. Next one is manipulation. And that's a problem for a number of different reasons. So a lot of women come to me because they wanna learn some kind of manipulation techniques and some of the stuff that you can learn from me, you could use as manipulation techniques. However, that's not the foundation for a good relationship. That will destroy your relationship if you use it in a harmful way with a man. And that's what the difference is between influence or inspiration and manipulation is that there's some kind of malicious or hurtful intent behind it. There's some kind of destruction to what's going on in the situation behind it. You're trying to knock somebody down. You're trying to hurt someone. You're trying to lower their value. You're trying to put them in a position where they're in pain. That is a problem. So let's talk about why these, because notice I talked about how it's a pattern, right? Patterns of these are the problem. One time isn't necessarily a problem. It's a red flag. So a red flag means, hey, this is something that you need to pay attention to. A pattern says this is something that's ingrained in this person's behavior long-term and they're gonna continue doing this no matter what. So you need to realize that if you're getting with this person, this is something that they may have for the rest of their lives. They're definitely gonna have it until something happens where they feel like they absolutely need it to change. And so, like I said, we all have things that come up, right? We all make mistakes. We all will lie about something sometimes because we're in a bad mood or we're put into a weird situation where we feel like lying is better than telling the truth or we might, you know, a lot of people will cheat not because they're kind of destructive and angry and mean and manipulative people, but maybe because they haven't experienced intimacy with their partner for years and they got to a space where they're feeling just so bad that they end up doing it. And I'm not justifying the idea of cheating behavior. However, you have to realize that it might not be a pattern. It might just be a one-time thing because they're in a situation that was really, really harmful or painful to them. And so they did it as kind of a lashing out method because they didn't know what else to do. They felt like they weren't in control of their lives and their situation. And so they did something like that. And so you wanna look at these things. Are they patterns or are they one-time things? And if they're one-time things, then it could be okay. For instance, a lot of women, I was telling this story not too long ago where there's this guy who, I met him at this Airbnb one time. I was in Denver, Colorado at an Airbnb. And there was this couple that was there and they were getting married. And I was just, whenever I see people like that, I always wanna ask them about what's going on, how they met, all that kind of stuff. I'm just super nerdy around relationships that way. And the guy was like, yeah, I met her on this dating app and I lied about my age on the dating app, which we ended up, or no, he lied about his height. He lied about his height on the dating app. And his fiance was like, yeah, if he wouldn't have lied about that, I would have never met him and I would have never fallen in love and realized that he was an amazing guy that I wanted to be with. And so it's one of those things where it can be a problem, right?  It can be a really big problem. But if he's lying about one thing and it's kind of justified and it's like, well, that could happen, right? Cause this is another story altogether, but there's kind of this thing where a lot of women will be like, okay, if you're not six foot tall, I'm not even gonna meet you, right? Where it's not about the height for them. It's really about feeling like they're safe and protected and loved by a man. And sometimes guys get that, right? They know that if he's five foot 11, he's going to not meet a lot of women online because a lot of women, their point is six foot tall, even if they're four foot nine, right?  The point is, is that you wanna look for patterns. Is it one time thing or is it a pattern? Number two is disrespect. So talking down to you, and by the way, if you're here with us right now, say hi and tell us where in the world you're watching this from. It's cool to see so many women from all over the world watching these live streams. Number two is disrespect.  And again, like I said before, we'll talk about how to deal with this kind of stuff in a little bit.    That's a huge problem. If you wanna have a man that values you, you have to value yourself enough to walk away from the table when respect is no longer being served. And so you wanna make sure that you value yourself. And if you value yourself, if you really believe in your value, you'll walk away from situations, you'll set up boundaries, you'll have standards and you will communicate when those standards and boundaries are being violated if a guy is not living up to those things and if you want to be respected long-term. So number three is lack of masculine presence. And in my opinion, in my opinion, this is a really, really important one. There are a lot of women out there. I think the whole feminist movement is against this one but let's talk about it for a second. So what are some masculine behaviors that a man would have? What are some masculine presence behaviors and what happens if those behaviors aren't there? So let's talk about a few of them. One is he doesn't stand up for you, right? He doesn't stand up for you around other people and what's going on. And he's just like, ah, she's in the wrong anyway or whatever, right? You want a guy who always like masculine behaviors are behaviors where he provides and he protects you, right?  He doesn't take your side. That's another one. He doesn't take your side in arguments or fights or anything that's going on. You want him to take your side. He doesn't protect you and make you feel safe, right? Men and women, I don't know if you know this or not, but men and women have very different feelings around the idea of safety. Men rarely feel unsafe. Most men in a month, I've gone to seminars where they've done this before where they'll have a group of thousands of men and thousands of women there and they'll be like, okay, for the men, in the last month, how many of you have felt like you weren't safe in any situations and you get like one or 2% of the men who raise their hands and then they go to the women and they're like, women, how many of you have felt unsafe in situations in the last month something like 80, 90% of women end up raising their hand. They're like, yeah, I felt unsafe. I was here, I was there, I was next to this car. A lot of things that men take for granted are situations where a lot of women feel very, very unsafe and it's a big difference between men and women, right? Men, as men, I almost never feel like I'm unsafe, right? I can feel like I can take care of just about any situation, anywhere, you know, I was also in the military though, so I don't know. Anyway, you want him to protect you. You want him to show you that you're safe around him, right? That's something that most women want and you want that, right? Or him not owning you, right? This is another controversial one, right?  He wants you, you're his and he's yours and that kind of a thing, right? It's kind of this ownership thing and there are a lot of people that are, for some reason it's a controversial thing. I think it's really attractive and sexy and most women I talk to do, however, there are a lot of people that are against that but it is, it's a masculine thing, right?   We're together, right? It's a really, really powerful thing or he doesn't have a base level of financial responsibility, right? Like we talked about this a lot because it's one of those things where a lot of women will get with these guys who they just, they don't have their finances together and how is he going to be a man? How is he gonna be the man in your relationship if he doesn't have a baseline level? It doesn't mean he needs to be rich or whatever but he needs to at least have it together, right?  It's a serious problem and my suggestion is that you make sure that the guy that you're with has that, right? And I know a lot of women who, and I think a lot of it's kind of spawned to keep referring back to feminism but I think a lot of it's kind of spawned from this idea of like, oh, we all wanna be like this equal thing, right? We wanna have this equality thing going on and we wanna be the same. We don't wanna have any kind of differences and I have never, like polarity, what I've learned and what I've seen, the pattern that I've seen that works is polarity. The pattern that I've seen that doesn't work is no polarity. Polarity creates passion and that could mean that you have a masculine woman and a feminine man or it could mean that you have a masculine man and a feminine woman. Either one of those polarities really work as long as that person in their core is that polarity and anything else doesn't work because there's no polarity and a lot of women wanna get into these relationships where they're like, well, I don't care if he's masculine and has these masculine behaviors and all that kind of stuff and I've never, ever seen it work out long-term. I've seen people stay together with it long-term but they always fight, it's always a problem. The woman's always just yelling at the guy, trying to fix the guy, trying to change the guy, trying to convince the guy to be better and different and all kinds of things and the guy's just exhausted from the woman of the relationship constantly doing that and whenever you talk to a woman five, 10 years down the road who's been in situations like this where there was no strong polarity there, they're always just like, I don't know what I was thinking, like I really want him to have a backbone, I really want him and she'll like to start describing masculine behaviors that she wants him to have because it's exhausting, right? It's exhausting for most women to be in their masculine all the time. If you get what I'm talking about, say I get it in the chat if you think that I'm totally crazy right now, go ahead and tell me that as well or tell me whatever questions you have and we'll talk about them here in a little bit. So the next one is that he, I think this is four. Number four is that he tolerates disrespect from you or from others. This is a really, really important one. This kind of goes along with the whole masculinity thing and being a strong, secure, masculine man. He's this rock, right? He's moving forward in his life. He knows what he wants and he doesn't allow other people to disrespect him. And if he does, it's a problem. If he allows you to disrespect him, if he allows other people to disrespect him, it's a sign that he doesn't really value himself. And he's certainly not strong in his masculinity and there's a mix of those two there, right? That he needs to have in order to really be strong and be a powerful man for himself and for the woman in his life. And if he allows you to treat him badly, that's a horrible sign. This relationship is not gonna go well long-term. It's gonna be painful. It's gonna be really, really painful. He needs to be able to stick up for himself even if it's around you or around other people, around anything else. He needs to have a strong, masculine backbone that he's willing to stand up for himself. So he doesn't stick up for himself around other people. He doesn't have boundaries. Like I said, he needs to be able to do these things. Number five is he doesn't align with you on the important thing. So he doesn't support you in who you are and who you want to become. It's really important, right? It's so important. I can't tell you how many kind of situations and relationships I see with people where the women will get with these guys and the guy doesn't support them at all and whatever she wants, right? And it becomes this huge point of contention. I actually have a friend who's married, right? And he ended up impregnating his wife long time ago, right? She wanted, she had all these dreams and goals and stuff and she ended up getting pregnant and now they have like four or five kids or something like that and she is miserable. She's miserable and she could be happy in the situation but he totally doesn't value her like who she's becoming or what she wants to become or who she wants to be or any of the things. And obviously, she has other things going on now, right? Cause she has kids and all that kind of stuff.  And that's a very, in my opinion, it's a very, very important thing. It's important that you both align together and you're moving in the same kind of direction, right? And if you're both moving in the same direction, a lot of things can change. A lot of things in what is going to happen or what you want to have happen can change and the direction of your lives might change but you'll still be together on the same page in that. And that's really what you want. Another one is you don't have some agreements on the biggest areas of your life and so usually this looks like deal breakers, right? The whole kids or no kids or marriage, not marriage or religion or different religion or no religion or whatever those kinds of things are. So you have to figure out what your deal breakers are. And a lot of women, I see so many women do this and it always just blows my mind. I'm just like, what are you thinking, right? When women will come to me and they're like, oh yeah, we don't agree on all these things but he'll come around to it at some point, right? Or I'll meet women that are getting married and they'll be like, yeah, he didn't want to have kids but he will, he will or he didn't want to get married but I convinced him of it or whatever, right?  Don't ignore them, don't ignore them. I feel like that seems like obvious something but a lot of people don't realize it. They don't realize that you shouldn't ignore the deal breakers.  So mental and emotional maturity, this is number six. I know I said there's only gonna be five of them but this is number six cause it's really, really important. And when I talk about maturity, I'm not talking about youthfulness cause in my opinion, we could all use a little bit more dancing and playing and having childlike awe and curiosity in our lives, right? I think that's very important. I think that's healthy. I think that's good for your soul and who you are as a human being. What I'm talking about are things like blaming other people for his actions, right? And there's kind of this thing out there right now where everybody's blaming like everybody's calling each other a narcissist, right? It's happening on both the men and women side.  And this is kind of one of the stereotypical behaviors for narcissists but it's one of those things where if they don't take responsibility and really own their own actions and who they are and what's going on in their life, it's gonna be a problem because you're eventually gonna be the person that he blames. And this goes for you too, right?  The act of maturity is taking responsibility, taking ownership of one's life and what's happening to you and for you and what's going on in your life. It's very, very important. Or another one is staying on the surface level, right? Everything's surface level, you never get deep, right? You hear this with those hookup boys.  But if you're hanging out with those guys, right? And they don't want to break the surface, right? Because there's things that they don't wanna talk about and they're scared of their deep emotions, they're scared of their past, they're scared of whatever. And it's a problem. This is gonna be a big problem down the road because they're hiding something, they're scared of something that's in themselves. That's why people get scared of talking about deep things, not because that deep things are scary but because they've been hiding from the truths that are in their heart and facing their past and facing things that are inside themselves for a long time. And so they stay on the surface level so that they don't have to go deep and deal with those emotions and the pain and all that kind of stuff that's within them and they just hold on to it for a long time. And eventually it ends up coming out because it has to. It has to, especially in a relationship. Relationships will test everything that's going on in your life. If you want to grow, get into a relationship. It's really easy to stay the same and not grow or even decline if you don't get into a relationship. If you wanna grow, get into a relationship. It will challenge you in ways that nothing else will. The next one is everything is about them, right? So everything's about him. This is emotional immaturity. It's all about me and what I want and what's going on with me and nothing that you want really matters and all that kind of stuff. They don't own their mistakes. This kind of goes along with the whole like not taking responsibility for things but not owning your mistakes.  This is a problem because it's really, really important. It's also kind of that righteousness thing. And I see it with both men and women not wanting to like, they wanna be right. I'm right, you're wrong and all that kind of stuff. It's toxic, it's toxic stuff completely. If you jump on that, I'm right and I always wanna be right and women are always right thing. Or if a guy does it, that's toxic behavior. Just that, that is a toxic pattern. It doesn't mean that you're toxic. It just means that you have a toxic pattern. Another one is putting others down, attacking. This doesn't work to, or he doesn't work to heal his past, right? So these are all things that show that he is an immature human being and you want someone who you can go through life with who has maturity, where he can face challenges with you and overcome them instead of cating or running away or creating more problems because of everything that's going on. So the, and then, so what do we do? What do you do in order to deal with these challenges and these problems and all these things that are going on with all these people and men and all that kind of stuff? What do you do? What do you do? Number one is that you don't try to fix them.  And he, I don't know, he spends all this time at the casino and I don't know what other crazy stuff. There's tons of crazy stuff out there, right? And usually my first question is, okay, so why are you dating this guy? Why are you seeing this man, right? And they're like, well, I'm in love with them. And I'm like, you know, why don't, like love isn't the only thing, right? Just because you're attracted to a guy doesn't mean you should be with a guy. Just because you have strong, deep emotional feelings for a guy doesn't mean you should be with a guy.  Use both of them together, together. Omistia, you wanna use them together because that will help you so much in so many situations. Don't try to fix these guys. You're not gonna fix them. He might fix himself and he might come to you and he might be like, hey, I wanna fix myself for you, but he's not likely to do that if you stay with him. And so if you stay with a guy, right? The usual motivation for people to heal themselves and grow and become more mature and a better human being is that they're afraid that either one, they're gonna lose somebody because they don't do it. Or two, they lost somebody because they didn't do it and they want that person back or they want a new person, right?  But he doesn't wanna go through it. Guess what? He's not gonna go through it. And so you don't wanna stay with guys who have serious patterns. Instead, what you wanna do is set standards. You wanna have standards. And I talk all about this in a whole bunch of different videos and live streams. And some of my live events, we're doing live events now too. By the way, if you haven't heard about them yet, we are doing live events. The next one is going to be January 30th to, or 23rd to the 24th. That's the next live event. It's gonna be awesome. Stay tuned for that. But I talk about standards in a lot of different things. And the way that you set standards, there's a ton of different ways to do it, but just talk about things that you want, right? Things that you aren't willing to accept. People that you don't date, people that you do date, what you like, what you don't like. Those are preferences, right? There's a whole bunch of different ways to talk about standards. And you wanna set standards and let them know that you have standards and stick to those standards. The next one is setting boundaries, right? If a guy breaks through one of your standards or does something that maybe you didn't even have it as a standard, but now it makes you feel uncomfortable or it hurts you or something like that, you wanna have boundaries and you wanna be able to communicate those boundaries and let him know that you have those boundaries. And if you have any questions about boundaries, tell me a situation in your life that where you need to set a boundary and we will help you set that boundary. And then the last one is walk away if needed. And walking away doesn't necessarily mean staying away. It just means if a situation isn't serving you, if a guy's not treating you right or whatever, you walk away from the situation. The most powerful position that you can be in of all positions out there is the position where you are willing to walk away from a situation that no longer serves you. And if you're willing to do that, you are a powerful human being. All right, so if you have any questions or anything, just ask them in the chat and I will go over the questions here in a second. I'm gonna go through the different ones again and then we will go on to your questions, whatever questions you have. So number one, five behaviors that you should never tolerate in a man. There's actually six of them. I'm just over delivering here for you. So number one is long-term toxic patterns. Number two is disrespect. Number three is lack of masculine presence. Number four is he tolerates disrespect from you or others. Number five is he doesn't align with you on the important things. Number six is that he's mentally and emotionally immature. And what do you do about it? You don't try to fix some, you set standards, you set boundaries and you walk away if needed. So that is it. So those are the five. So what questions do you have here that you want me to ask? So lots of people from all over the world. Betty from Zambia, Nash says, very correct, man. Well, thank you. Lisa Marie says, yeah, I felt unsafe. Madejati says, Bangladesh. Cool, Greece. Cool, it's cool seeing all these women all over the world. So cool seeing all these people. Yep, hi, hi. Hi from Florida, Deanna says, he protects me even crossing the street, walking down steps, walking down the street, opening doors, et cetera, right? That is him in his masculine. He's like, hey, I wanna make sure you're okay, right? You're walking down these steps.  You're crossing the street, whatever, opening doors. He's making sure that you're taking care of, right? That is his masculine that is coming out. And if you've never experienced that before, it's really powerful and it's really, really important that that exists there. Absolutely. Yep, hello, hello, hello. Hello, Emma. Lisa Marie says, I think it's best to stay single until you know it's right or see the guy casually until it's right to pull together as exclusive. Yeah, and it depends on what you mean by casually. If you mean that you hook up with a guy, I suggest you do not do that, right? Too many women end up getting emotionally attached to men and that this is what I was talking about, right? There's all these flags and there's these patterns and they're like, oh my God, right? But I'm in love. I'm so in love with this man and I'm gonna stay with them because I've been hooking up with them, right? You don't wanna do that. You do not want to do that. Remember, exclusivity is not commitment. Exclusivity is not a relationship. So if you're exclusive with a guy, you're not in a relationship with them and always remember that. Oh, and by the way, if you wanna check out my program, I don't even promote it anymore. I'm like, just come check out my program. It's called the forever woman at theforeverwomanformula.com. It's a great program. Everybody seems to love it. So check it out. So Thuto says men should be protecting women and children but how can society groom a man to be responsible? Why do we experience so much abuse and violations from our man? How can they be changed? So that is an absolutely great question, Thuto. And I don't think that, especially in Western culture, and the more that other countries kind of take Western culture on, Western culture is especially American culture, which is the dominant culture in the world right now. Western culture, American culture is super idealistic. It's super idealistic. It's about the individual, right? And the individual rules over everything. And so it's a really big problem because you can't really kind of influence people as a society as well when everybody kind of can do whatever they want to. And there's no like social cohesion there in that. And so it's a really, really big challenge in that way. And society's probably not gonna be grooming men to be responsible and be good men. That's probably not gonna happen anytime in the near future. What we need is for men, for boys to have fathers again. That's what we need. Right now, there are more boys being raised by single mothers than ever before, more boys being raised by parents that just are completely absent, right? Even if they are there physically, they're not there emotionally or mentally or helping the child raise the child. The parents are just taking these kids and throwing them in front of television sets and computers and video games and going, okay, don't do anything bad, good luck, right? And then they leave. And that's a really bad situation for children to be in. That's how I grew up, right? That's where I grew up. I didn't have a father figure that taught me anything in my life. And so I had to learn these things for myself from joining the military and being a part of the men's dating community and deciding what I thought was right and wrong, right? Religion used to do a lot of these things and religion is becoming less and less prevalent in Western society every single year. And so really it's a difficult challenge. It's a really, really difficult challenge. And the best way would be to have fathers again. That would be the best way to do this, but you'd have to have fathers that were responsible, strong, masculine fathers, which there aren't a whole lot of that going on. So it's a really difficult challenge. It's a really difficult challenge right now to deal with. And so I'm not sure exactly what the answer is, but we will see, we'll see what happens. So, hey, Kristen, hey, Monica, hey, Mary. Wow, they're just, I mean, from everywhere. Jen says, I do, I need a manly man. Well, good, manly men are great, right? So Deanna says, no, I want the man to take charge. Well, good.  Well, I don't know if I totally agree with that, but it's a lot easier if the person wants to do it. If the person wants to change, it's definitely easier. And you particularly are probably not going to change the man because it takes a very specific kind of skill set in order to help somebody change in that way. And so if you don't have that skill set, it can be really, really difficult. Nicole says, this is so true. Lots of people get it here, get it, get it, get it. I get it, I get it. Refreshing, lots of people get it, get it, get it, get it. Happy new year, happy new year to you, Stacy. I get it, Sir Matt. I love it when people call me Sir Matt. I don't know why, but I just absolutely love it. Emma says, I more than get it. Men don't like a strong woman. Well, it depends on what you mean by a strong woman. If you mean like a masculine woman, then masculine men will not want that long-term, right? They don't want that long-term. If you're talking about like strong within yourself, confident, you know, you have a strong sense of will and humanity to yourself, I don't think that's true because that's not what it's about, right? What attracts a man is because it's really interesting because we tend to do things that we think the other people want, right? So, or we think that we want, right? So we want things and we think that the other person wants the same things that we want. So we do those things, right? And I hear this all the time from women where they're like, they'll be like, I have everything together. You know, why am I not attracting a man? Like name a whole bunch of things that women normally look for in men, right? And they're like, well, I have all these things that I would normally look for in a man. Why am I not attracting a man? And I'm like, because men don't look for the things that you look for in a man, right? Men look for things that they want in a woman. And usually that comes with feminine grace and connection and feeling emotions and love and all kinds of other things, right? And it's just a different thing. It's a totally different dynamic. And so if you are trying to, and this is usually what I hear from women who are in their masculine or they're trying to, they're trying to give a man or show traits to a man that they're attracted to. And they're like, oh, I wanna be strong but men don't like strong women. Well, strong men may not have anything to do with it. Depending on what you mean by strong. But the thing is, is he's looking for, he's looking for somebody that's feminine. He's looking for somebody that connects with him. He's looking for someone who connects with his emotions and makes him feel alive and makes him feel like you're different and special and unique and amazing. And if you're not doing those things, then it's gonna be, it's gonna be a really, really big challenge that for you to attract a guy when you're focusing on these things that guys aren't even attracted to, right? But you think men should be attracted to you for those things. Just doesn't work that way. It's never worked that way and it's never going to work that way. Biology doesn't work that way. So here's a question for everybody. What is some progress that you have made in your life recently? What's some progress? Where have you grown some in your life? Where have you made some progress? Where have you changed some thoughts or beliefs or felt better about yourself or could be in dating? What, where have you made some progress in your life lately? Just put it in the chat. Tell me in the chat where you have made some progress lately. Karen says, I get it. Ben, they're done that. It is exhausting. Eventually you lose respect for them. Exactly. Yep, been in too many relationships with men who weren't manly. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Hello, hello, I get it. I'm totally crazy. Are you talking to me? Rachel, Rachel, are you telling me I'm crazy? Thudow says, I get it. Matt, your advice is on point. Well, thanks. Yes, he is, he's talking. Emma, not strong. I think the word is masculine, exactly. Exactly. So Sherry says, my friend is moving slow and I appreciate it. How slow is too slow? Where do I cut the slow tape or do I? Well, it depends, Sherry, about what you mean by slow. And you're talking about a friend, right? You're a friend and he's moving slowly. If he's a friend, are you talking, are you physically intimate with this friend or are you not physically intimate with this friend? Are you waiting for him to move forward in the relationship or are you waiting for him to move forward with physical intimacy or romance? And those are two completely different things. And if you're in the States, the United States or the West in general, it's possible that he's waiting for permission. He's waiting for you to give him permission because he doesn't want to be accused of sexual assault or end up having the Me Too movement, show up at his door or any of that kind of stuff, right? Get fired from his job. And so it's one of those things where you can do things, if that's what you're talking about, if you want a romantic situation and you don't have a romantic situation, that's a very, very easy thing to overcome for you, right? Because you can start changing the dynamic of things.  And I was actually watching this men's dating coach the other day, his YouTube channel. And he was talking about this guy who was in the friend zone with eight different women, right? And he just like went to these women one by one and started hitting on them, which he hadn't ever done in years, right?  Like, yeah, I've always wanted to be romantic with you, right? It was really, really funny watching that. And a lot of guys, right? He didn't know, he didn't know that he was supposed to do certain things. He was kind of like waiting for something to happen, waiting for women to give him permission, waiting to see if there was a romantic connection there. And he didn't know. And so as a woman, it's really, really easy for you to do that. All you have to do is like accuse him of things, right? Like accuse him of checking you out. That's a really fun one, where if he's walking behind you or he's looking at you, all you have to do is go, are you checking me out right now? Or go, stop checking me out. And most guys, especially if he's a nice guy, would be like, whoa, I wasn't checking you out. You can be like, don't worry, I like it, right? And basically what you're doing there is you're giving him permission. Cause he doesn't know whether he was checking you out or not. I mean, he has no idea. He might've been, right? But he was looking at you and you're like, are you checking me out? And he's like, whoa, you know, or you might be like, yeah, you know, or he might be like, no, either one, it doesn't matter. All you have to say next is, I like it. Don't worry, I like it. And what that does is all of a sudden it creates a romantic frame around your situation. And I have a whole bunch of things like that. I have a whole bunch of stuff like that. We're actually gonna be talking about it in the next event. And if you haven't picked up my program yet, you can do it for free. It's called the forever woman formula. You can check it out at the foreverwomanformula.com. Go watch the video there. You can get the program for free. If you wanna stay a part of the community and get coaching and all that kind of stuff, there's a fee attached to it. But if not, you can just keep the program for nothing. It's free. Stephanie says, what happens if he hates it when he gets disrespected and is always preaching about respect, but he has no problem disrespecting me as his partner? Well, what you need to do is start standing up for yourself and having boundaries and believing in your own value, Stephanie. Because if you aren't standing up for yourself and what you want and being respected, nobody else will. And so what you need to do is decide today that you are no longer going to allow yourself to be in a situation where a man is disrespecting you. And so what you need to do is you need to communicate because he may not know that he's disrespecting you. He may, he may not. But you need to communicate what you want, what's respectful, what's not respectful. You need to set a boundary.  Those are the only two things, right?  Mila Elina says, me says I get it better than words can explain. You nailed it tired of weak men. Adriel says, how do you stop your man over committing than under delivering and why do you think he does it? Depends on what you mean by over committing than under delivering.  Well, I mean, that's a conversation that you need to have, Avril with your man. How do you stop him from doing it? Well, if he's in a pattern, then that's something that's gonna continue going on with him for the rest of his life until one, he gets awareness around it. So this is what a human being needs in order to change a pattern. One, he needs to know that he's doing it, right? If he doesn't know that he's over promising and under delivering, that's not gonna change at all. Two, he needs to reach a threshold, an emotional threshold. He needs to feel like it's something that absolutely needs to change. And so how does someone experience that something is so bad that it absolutely needs to change? How does somebody experience that? If you are doing something, if you are in a pattern, let's say that you're in a pattern of dating guys that just wanna hook up with you. How do you change it? How do you get to a place where you are like, hey, this is a must. I absolutely must change this. I'm no longer willing to accept my own pattern. There has to be, here's the answer. The answer is there has to be enough pain. You have to experience enough pain from your past and look into your future and say, this pain is not only going to still be there, but it's gonna get worse. And if you can see that in your past, there's enough pain in the future that it's gonna create so much pain and prevent you from living the life that you really wanna live, then at some point you'll hit enough, you'll hit a threshold where you're like, I can't stand this anymore. I'm not gonna do it anymore. This has to change. And then you have to be able to see an alternative because if there's no alternative there, then you're just gonna go back into the old pattern. So let's talk about this guy, right? So how do you stop the man from over committing and then under delivery? The question is, how big of a problem is this in your relationship? If it is a massive problem in your relationship, then it's something that you wanna address, right? Find out what's going on with your man. Find out who your man is and what's important to him, right? Our relationship is his relationship with you important. Is his relationship to his kids important or to his nephew or to somebody else is achieving something really great in his life, really important. And what you wanna do if you, I mean, maybe you don't wanna do this, but what you can do is you can communicate with him and talk to him about it and let him see or have him show you what kind of pain he's experienced in his past as a result of doing this behavior, right? Which the behavior is over committing and then under delivering. And then show him and ask him and talk to him about how this behavior is going to impact him in the future if he continues doing it. And at some point, the guy will either say that, okay, you know what? I'm gonna do something about it. I'm gonna change it. I'm gonna change it right now. Or he'll continue going, you know what? It doesn't matter. It's okay, we'll figure it out, all that kind of stuff.  And then what needs to happen if he doesn't think it's a big deal and it's big enough for you to walk away from, then that's something that you have to decide, right? You have to decide that. And if you decide to walk away, he may change himself in order to be with you again. There's a good possibility that that will happen. But there's also a good possibility that he won't, right? There's a book that came out. It was called Change or Die. And in this book, they talked about all these patients that would come to these doctors and they had life-threatening illnesses, right?  Some kind of life-threatening illness.  And the overwhelming majority of people, I think it was like in the 90% or high 80%ile of people would not change. They would not change whatever pattern they were in, whatever bad behavior they were doing in order to save their own lives, right? Most people will not stop a pattern in order to save their own lives. You have to remember that, right? You have to remember that with these people. And if you're like, hey, I want him to change and I want him to do something, you know, you're in this situation where you're trying to fix a guy, right? And you're like, okay, how do I fix this guy? Just remember that he's more likely to die than change his behavior, right? And the motivation for him changing that behavior is usually being in a relationship or being with a woman. That said, it is possible to get enough leverage on a guy to make him want to change but you have to have those things. He has to be aware, he has to see that it's been painful in the past and that it's going to create a lot of pain in the future and it's going to prevent him from having and doing and being whatever he wants to have, do and be. And then he has to have an alternative, right? He has to hit an emotional threshold and then he has to have some kind of alternative behavior that will replace his current behavior that he can get into a habit of. So I hope that explains it, Averal. We kind of got lost on that chat there but I hope that helps. And so you gotta decide, you gotta decide. Rachel says she gets it, Gabby tells me that I look handsome. Well, thank you Gabby, I appreciate that.  KK says, what about if he is protecting his new female friend guy used to do this treatment towards me? Wait, what? What if he is protecting his new female friend guy used to do, I don't know what you're saying, KK. Nicole says, yes, I can relate. Marzenka says, amen, amen, amen, hallelujah. Cleaning fairy 1970, that's an interesting name. Says, I refuse to settle. Well, you should refuse to settle. KK says, wait, Matt, were you in the military? I was, I was, I was in the Iraq war, Iraq war. Kirsten says, I get it, 15 years of marriage with a narcissist about to get divorced. Okay, is he says, Jen Hunter, yeah, watch the replay. Do it, watch the replay. Hello, pray, hey, hey, hey pray, hey pray. North of Toronto, hello, hello, hello. Deanna says, what about a guy who is divorced for four years but still has hurt over his ex? Who took off with his best friend and married him. He's good to me and I believe he is monogamous, but we didn't get the rest of your conversation here, Deanna. Jen says, I'm struggling and ignoring the deal breakers right now. Yeah, you gotta stop, you gotta stop that, Jen. You gotta stop that, Jen. Here's my advice to you, stop it. Stop it right now, stop ignoring the deal breakers. Stop it, Jen, just stop it, just stop it. Emma gets it, Annette says, hi, useful information. Yep, do, do, do. Rachel says, you need to have the same vision. Yeah, it needs to align, right? It doesn't have to be exactly the same, but you have to have an alignment there. And the more you spend time with each other, if it's aligned, the more it'll start going either in the same direction or it'll start veering off. And either one is fine, right?  But it's very important that you have an alignment there. Amanda says, I have been with my man for four years. We got engaged two years ago.  Only to find out that he had been chatting up another woman and she says that they had sex, but he swears they hadn't. He has told me he needs space to figure things out, but every time I try to leave, he will tell me he loves me and wants me to stay. I'm so confused. Well, Amanda, there's nothing confusing about your situation here.  And so you need to figure out what you're going to do here. And the first thing that you need to figure out is whether this situation is really serving you right now or not. And if it's not, then my suggestion is that you get out, just get out of the situation.  I noticed I hadn't been singing and I know that a lot of you love my singing, so I figured I'd just do that. Cassandra says, if only I knew how to get into a relationship. Well, it's not hard. It's not hard to get into a relationship. It can be challenging to find the right people, but you can get into one pretty easily. Thudo says, how can I make my boyfriend face his past and open up emotionally to me? So you're not going to make him face his past, Thudo. That's not going to happen. And in order to heal, he doesn't necessarily need to face his past, but he has to want to heal. He has to want to deal with his past. Maybe that's what you mean by facing it, because I've kind of used that term as well. And what he has to do is he has to want to heal. He has to want to feel whole. He has to want to be able to open up. And if you're giving him all of his needs, if you're meeting all of his emotional needs, and you're not making it a requirement that he has to open up emotionally and get vulnerable, which is something that in my opinion, you should have required before you became boyfriend, girlfriend with him, then it's unlikely that he's going to deal with that, right? Because he's getting everything he wants without doing what he doesn't want. What he doesn't want is to deal with his past. And what he does want is to get all of his emotional needs met and be with you and all that kind of stuff. And so as long as he can get everything he wants and not deal with what he doesn't want, then he's probably not going to deal with what he doesn't want. That's the problem. And so you have to change that situation through them. That's what you have to do. Amanda says, I know I should, I just don't know how to. You do know how to, Amanda. You just don't want to face it. It's easier to stay comfortable and keep yourself in the same situation than decide that you're going to do something new and change, and change, and change your situation, which is understandable, right? We've all been there.  Who hasn't been there? I don't know anybody that hasn't been there. I've been there. Everybody else has been there. KK's been there. Pthudo's been there. Who else has been there? Jen's been there. Rita's been there. You gotta face it, right? You have to decide that being comfortable with what situation you're in is no longer more important than having what it is that you want. You have to decide that being connected to this man is no longer more important than having the relationship that you want. You have to decide that the relationship that you want is more important than all of these other things that you're hanging onto. That's what you have to do. So that's it for this video. We've reached the hour. Thank you, everybody, for being here. I hope you enjoyed this video. If you haven't picked it up yet, make sure you go check out the Forever Woman formula at theforeverwomanformula.com. It's always great to see you and have you be a part of our community. The women in our community are some of the most amazing, beautiful, awesome, special, great women in the world. Thank you so much for being here and honoring me with allowing me to help you on your journey. That's what I was gonna say. So thank you so much and I will speak with you again soon. And always remember, you...


My name is Virginia Foley, and I have been at East Kansas State University since my 16th year. And in those 16 years, 105 dissertations did. Part of the success I submitted when we started this, but before we get started, there were aliens. You would have extracurric, trans-real aliens. And they were going around and observing and getting the specimen. And when they went back to their home planet, they were reporting out. And when it came time to the person who was reporting about people, somebody said, What is school? And he said, well, school is a place where we're very young to go to watch the movie. So I know that story to you all, and I know that story to my students who are all full-time, and so I'm going to try to get a set up for the platter process just like we have here. You can try to integrate the extra camera on the set up. This is going to work. I don't know if all of you have the possibility of panning. It isn't that easy. I'll just get to the speakers a little bit. I'll be right back. And Emily, how do you name yourself? I don't know you. What is it? Okay. Emily is the person whose job is involved. But I first met Emily, she was the person. She still does that. I would say that Emily's primary job is the first person to do that. Okay. Her official job is the 12th grade. She will make the best. The most important job she has is to serve as an MPC coach. While they're working on the first slide, our graduate school good camp was our former dean of the graduate school faculty. We had a lot of students and they were primarily students in educational leadership because we have a higher education among the kids. Students in educational leadership and students who were called to nursing who were running out of time. And so she had read about this camp and we created a team.  I teach classes on Saturdays and I have class these Saturdays. And I expect to see you in the computer lab next door during class and I'll check in with you at breaks. If you don't want to do that, send me something to read. And something I can show up and I can come in and that's a three minute conversation when I have a team to get started. You know, a background track and then it will work. Plus they were fine. And through all of them, it's plain bad things were right. So they couldn't stop doing that. They couldn't go walk the dog. And so they were making progress. So that's what my colleagues volunteered me to be on the good camp team. And our original team was, I guess, the report of our colleges that were on our graduate school council. And then it was our dean. We had a librarian. And then Emily. And we, at the time, we had a grant. But so we all went in our, and originally, like I said, nursing and educational leadership, we used to have people that would handle graduate students. The other disciplines in our college, a lot of times some of them become students. And so their progress is more focused. But the good camp was open to any of us. The time we started, our library was, did not have expanded out. And they closed it. And they did open again as well. And our good camps were Friday night from nine to six. The library was open one way. Once they were there, they couldn't get out of the building without, it didn't really work for us in the way that we did some work. We also had some mini workshops. The first two generations of youth camp. What we felt like, and still feel like, the thing about good camp is the dedicated space that, you know, kids aren't staying long. You can take me, you know. And you're not supposed to be long away from the watchers and the guards. And we saw tremendous progress with our fresh graduates from those first-year students. We charged the first-year students, and they were all the kids. But what we charged for was food. We fed them supper Friday night. We had coffee, burns of coffee the entire time that they were at the meeting. We ate down breakfast Saturday morning. So we didn't want them leaving, because if they left to go pick up food, they wouldn't come back.  And that's what the charge paid for. It was just the food. The food camp team was volunteering their time. And when our students registered for food camp, they did a great job of emailing their elected people and emailing them and letting them know that students were looking into food camp, we invited the chairs for lunch, and to try to entice them to come do their students. And then, well, last week into food camp, we closed it out in a big celebration. And we talked about progress. We really built community. And we had repeat attenders. Some people didn't finish what they wanted to accomplish during the first meeting. So they were welcoming. The structure and the timing initially, we were trying to get them to close our attendance. Now, some people came back from the next one. So they were welcoming the divisions and events. Some people were still welcoming the proposal. But we scheduled it early enough in the semester to meet the corrections. So that we weren't having a play during the semester. Every other weekend, the first three, and then one. So we agreed on that. That's, and we did have a bottom line for how many people came in. And we capped it, I think, first. But I think probably the most we've had in school on break, is probably very warm, very hot. And we changed food vendors. I think we would have 60 virtually. We had a possible amount of food. We used food. But we just modified, again, the logistics, or anything about the grad school. That's the thing. Let's take a pause here to make sure. My kids tell me I can't go. My children tell me I can't go, but I can talk loud and I can do everything else. Anyway, I'm going back to the history of it. When we got into dating in the library, so we expanded the library, I always see absolute retail students think you're going to come in early at work, but if you're not strongly. We changed libraries. A library that helped us get started who was my age, who was our work manager at the meeting. Oh, we need to protect them. Yeah. Our work was our kids' work. We were there 23, 247. I love the library. So what's the issue? She left. And while the constant support of business. The workshops, they don't want our students. So they saw some more technical things that we didn't have. So that's pretty much the structure. And the weekends, different workshops, different weekends. We were rocking and rolling. We had faculty who asked they had come to meet with their students who were there to allow us the value of just those few minutes. I mean, it was a Saturday, they could drop by, they could have lunch. And meet with usually more than one student. I encouraged my students to come. As I said, I'll be there. And so we can talk. And so I had a lot of students. My department had lots of students. Part of the reason is that our high-ranked students didn't have to make. It was a piece, it was a, it was a difficult kind of agreement in the state. So if you're a high-ranked student, you can make classes with a lawsuit. And so they didn't have as much skin in the game. My students were picking out lunches, paying for themselves. And so they weren't in for a hurry. But committing and being in the library, being free from distraction, helped students move on. And then again, I have no idea. Oh, I'll talk about the in-person part. Then we had COVID. And I think we had to do camps before we had to go remote. And we can discuss for both options before because we had a lot of long records. Again, it does, the team moved in, felt like it was being in the library for the distractions. And some of our people who were to look for workshops really did not. And so we did make the shift and finished out virtually in spring of 2020 and planned for a 100% workshop. So the whole group camp was virtual, but our library was open. I had students who would come to the library with their students about three weeks ago and our big shift came in. And the switch to, oops, I'm sorry, we also had, we were designing the big camp. We had homework because these are people who are, you know, scholars and they work for deadlines and say that we felt like if they had a homework assignment, and our homework assignment was knit 10 pages. And the 10 pages were due Thursday for the next few people. So we felt like that might help some students all go up to work and generate some content. And Emily would be the content and she would send it to people who might need to also review it. Thought all students turned their homework. So we did, more did than didn't. And so that got them on a good start. The, we also had discussions in there and some speak-offs was one of our workshops. Sometimes people would post their struggles. We also asked them, they would also post in there, I'm stuck, another group would post on there. So there, that would also help the community. And we did that when we were face-to-face and virtual. We had our first weekend in the hybrid writing and we've got more students with discussions than we've had in a long time. So they just jump right in. You're on me in patience. Thanks for my question. Emily is 42 years old. We've got since she was an email artist. The president is about to carry on. Now that we have our visual, I'm just going to come through so this is the first slide. The slide, why did it start? When we started, our dean at the time was really looking at to sustain an oriented person who she was very focused on. Looking at the numbers, the numbers were showing a drop-off in, or too well, a drop-off in retention and graduation, right? With certain students. And at the time also, Bukim was on a new idea to see if she was hearing about it and all about Bukim or ETSU and how to apply it to ETSU or kind of what we're going to do with you all today is what is Bukim and could it be applied to your institution? So it was discovered around 2010-2011 and decided to apply it to nursing students and education students because they seemed to be the ones struggling the most with completing their needs for dissertation. It was a great progress in coursework to then stop at the key of the dissertation stage more quickly. So that's what our focus was. We thought this being the opposite. And we offered it nice and easy rather than during the day. And so, whoever your population has to go through this, if you don't know and you have to go through the data and you're not sure who will benefit most from the data, that's what we're going to be talking about today. But this is our starting point. And it was everyone who was invited to come and also and I think it's a good time for us to actually support the professionals and get involved in that. If we want to get fancy later in the next week. If not, we know this. Our team is very important. And I always see volunteers and our communication partners ideally on all things logistics so there's nothing else but it's a clean and it's a very good thing. We've got policies and we're looking at how that has changed. We thought about it originally but maybe we had to change it. So registration started with the rules and then we were looking at in our survey, we had to be you know, so we saw the difference between keeping the students in the lobby and kept them going and they're not hanging around as much but it totally changed everything I do know. So we were looking at that point anyway before COVID and then COVID happened. So it naturally moved to of course no fee because there's no food. The fee was for the food only. So everything moved online and you see here a lot of it was live registration rules. And as soon as the fee dropped off we had a large new college and we tweaked a few of the things I was doing online and I was surprised that the students who were too many were still very very happy to be connected so sort of just set up for the online portion creating a space within their own space to be able to be in way for the distraction at home. This is why we never considered any online distribution also that there's a whole worker from their distraction. So we had students from where in East Tennessee upper New Jersey we had students all the way from Los Angeles to the city of New Jersey to the city of California as well. We had a great experience with career in the community as well. We had a great time and we were very very happy to be here. It was a great experience and it flew me down the street on the street and I mean than anyone along the way to hybrids, so we're going to take that from that table. We need to adjust, and this is going to be normal, to try to get the person in here, to try to accommodate those in the room. So, not much change from lunch hall. We checked all the same workshops with everything on Zoom, and the only thing we added in was the options for lunch in person, because there were fewer people coming in person. We're still watching, we're still in a trial mode with the time limit, any time limit is going to be the way to go, but we're seeing that, you know, the four people away from the registration and getting them in the library was the start of the launch of this. We're seeing real COVID, and now after, it's been a whole year, last year, two weeks, where the time is. Notice fewer people, minimal people were coming in person, much more online, of course, convenient to use them. So, the only adjustments there were to notice that, and to kind of come in on, okay, it's not so much about being in the library, what do they really need? So, if you're going to let that go, and just reworking it online, this is more of a workshop series for right now, and focus on the workshop, focus on the information delivery information, and not so much being doing that way. I want to tell you that one of our students who graduated this summer did five people and he's a teacher, and so he did go to the library, and in his acknowledgments of the dissertation, he put, special thanks to the fourth floor to share the library and he mentioned, you have been a dear friend throughout this process, and I feel like you may be more about the fine satisfaction in knowing it, but you really did appreciate the space, and don't think you would have started that space without her. So, it's a very valuable student to come. We had students last weekend, we do every other weekend, the last two kids, she's in the room, she's come in, she decided to come in because of the advantages of being in the classroom, so we may see a triple back into that, of course, a lot. We talked about why has the campus moving along and coming from where to send out the workshop. This is a list of workshops that we currently offer in our new campus, and this year we have reduced it from four weekends to three, and we wrote them up into a getting started weekend, and we had a weekend in each one of them, and then the second weekend, it's a working resource project, and then the last weekend, it's finishing up, and these are all broken up into those three weekends. So, things like getting started and choosing a topic, researching a topic, there are a lot of things going on, also with the renovation, and we do that energy process, look with you, maybe a workshop, qualitative and overview system, and really the reason why we dropped the fourth weekend is because we had the fall break and other holidays that were not allowed to happen every other weekend, so we lost students dropped off that fourth weekend, so we kind of focused it more on the workshop, put the workshop more back in that, and again, deliver the information. So, three weekends, all of these workshop, this goes back to, this is great to have, but if you don't have anybody to give them what you have, this is what we're going to ask you all to think about, is who I have available to do this, who is volunteer to do this, and I'm thinking, you know, it depends, we're going to discuss how things are going to happen, because you really didn't even know. So, that's good to hear from, absolutely. Good to hear that they've assessed the program, why it's kept going. Again, it's Wendell, the first person Wendell, but I think that's because we have so many resources around here, and it was known that we knew about it within departments, changes were made because it exposed needs, and so that, you know, we won't go into the data and provide the registration manual, but it absolutely does work. I'm part of those that ended with students who came for our students, and so, higher inside of our department created resources that students were getting at the beginning of the coursework, by the program that I want to bring you back, because, of course, it would be cleaning, the dissertation reader said he'd style me for responsibility, and so, you know, we immediately started looking at it. So, again, a lot of departments, one of those who was just the result of it, and we knew about it. We have, you know, quotes and forms, which came first out of, which is grateful that that was the thing. Because what we're doing is we're really pulling the heavy hitters, with regard to writing on campus, the writing centers, all in one plot, one thing. In short, all new guys. Now that we've presented what we do at UTSU, you cannot ask the question that you can tell what we want to do. How many of you currently hatch-offs or write new pages? Anybody who tried and abandoned it? So, we kind of cover some of pre-COVID. It was very well done. Very well. We have not had it before. So, we're trying to find a way to go hybrid. Is there to be interact with anyone else? Sarah? Sarah Chat option for people a month? Yes. I'm watching it. Okay, thank you. I can say that we've only done one. It was hybrid. The community-building aspect of the in-person folks was really, really valuable. And they formed some writing groups of their own, because they got to know each other a little bit. I think that's really, aside from the dedicated time and space of a boot camp that you actually go to it and you don't have your kids and you don't have your job, the community-building aspect of it, of being in the same room at the same time, is highly valuable. It is. It's knowing that somebody else is stuff like you are and then cheering them on and helping them lead to, of course, the on-campus chat section. And it's really great. It's universal. But also, as a person there, three people from the same department come and help each other. So, the community, I don't know what people think about it now. This is kind of on-going and nothing. We'll go around the room and have you all talk about it. We wrote down all the kind of talk that they all agree. One thing that thinks about the resources you know on-campus that help the writers. And you know, we have a writing center, we have a graduate school, we have a graduate school manager, any of you in your library, you know, think about that. And then spaces on-campus, that's a big deal for those who come. Nothing about the library just means open-ended work. So, we did this stuff. We had a five-fourth of a minute and there was a change in it. But our librarians have, we have a graduate student research librarian dedicated to be part of the work, just part of the community. So, think about that. If they want students to graduate, this is how I get them. Yeah. Graduates. Back with your staff, that may be motivated that you have in your area to help. And they have them for the skill set or for the logistics. And not that anybody wants to add anything else to your job, but, you know, this is... Well, I didn't, I don't know, except faculty. Well, we all have faculty, so we know, so we're all awesome. So, it's just that balance. My skillset, I retired from college. And it's always addressed to success for me. My career, my research. So, if it is, I'm finding those people are successful with graduate. And going to them, and that's what you're seeing, but, you know, then you won't be part of it. So, involving faculty, we really saw the success when we first started and we were bringing them lunch on that first progress our students made. And that's when they saw, okay, the value of this, and they might actually, the students they're around were important to the students in the period and did they move on. That came off as huge. So, that's part of, and it is about the free-buying of that. In another world, so we're going to be widely on the job-maker board of students. Yeah, take the students. What takes the students? We know it's about the international field.  Yeah, and some students start at the very beginning of their semester's writing and some don't write to the end. Noticing who might need to help. For this slide, we want you all to think about that. Write it down. We'll go around the world hearing a five-minute program and even online and share the work. We're working on audio. We really apologize that you all have problems with that.  And you can contact us and with email or whatever. Let us know. If you want to line up and share what they've written or if you need to give anyone a share or a line. We can see the chat over here. Up there and another there. Well, let's just go over here. Yeah. We want to start. Sure. So we have a research reason but we also have writing classes for the beginner to advance so we have library instruction we call in. So I think that might be a good chance for us to get market suites and all that. And we also have scholarly communications workshops which have a management classes and also classes I want to share your research. So there's lots of good information and those are actually here towards graduate students and faculty. We don't have like a break but I can service them or function maybe and then also have software training classes and one of the classes is how to format areas where we can add classes to that and then also have really you just have to be able to schedule it. Thinking about that but you're all about pooling all of them at this time. We have it and which is why I think that would be a good idea to pull people from each I think especially for students or students with resources who wants to go next. We have morning comments which are here and while we do come in I teach formatting and really work shots of semester and then which we have to collaborate with so that they keep in contact instead having them start out and then we can publish their book through the website at the site and in our website it is only available within the library and it will be cute and cute and but it will be Yeah, that's what I tell my students to do is to go see members of the chair of your committee and they're going to try to get some intel on what their documents look like and what they expect. And then I think that's a good conversation, starting to have students go to their event and say, hey, I saw this. Thank you, because we accept APA, MLA, CHAPO, and CIPL. It would be quite helpful for students to know what the information is and how they can share it. You're welcome to share it. We were not inspiring you. I think that... Excuse me, can I just tell the online folks that if you want to share, we'd like to hear from you. Please turn on your audio and video. One of the things that... because our work does evolve. We had a request one time from an international student to practice their defense. They've been a good camp. They mentioned that. So, we're a biology student. I don't speak biology, but Emily said, okay, we've got a student who'd like to request who would be available to come. Of course, I went and I could just do that, you know, slow down. So, that student got to practice, got some feedback from us, which helped them get more confident. And so, we have led people. It's very nice to have us do that, because we're strong on their committee. And so, it's not correct. Do you have anything else that you want to share or new ideas or resources or spaces? Or are there any online? There's an audio window. There's an audio window. So, just click to your headphone jack. Okay, this is the headphone jack. So, we've had a few years that we've been in charge of that and we've been offering that resource in a while. But we need to hire someone to fulfill that role. So, this is kind of an opportunity for us to maybe assess what we did and kind of recap it. As far as resources of Kansas that we have. Our office, the Office of Described Education, offers different formatting workshops for dissertation degrees. And we also have a lot of resources on our website, a lot of voice templates. Guides to help them get their dissertation format as well. We have plagiarism and copyright tutorials. As far as dedicated spaces, we could possibly go to the library. Or our office also, and I would say sort of dedicating classrooms. I could hold 30, 40 people. We've also been talking about the different students that would maybe benefit most from this. We have a few departments to, you know, there's like a 10-year limit when it comes to doctoral degree completion. So, we have some departments that are constantly or consistently having students that appear on that list where they're reaching that limit. So, we're going to be reaching those students that they've been writing. And also, we have a very large international population. So, thinking about kind of different citation expectations is something that we're always thinking about. And how we can help them with completing a dissertation that may be in a language that they are not most comfortable writing in. Great idea though. Thank you. Well, Tommy, we're going to have someone virtually ask a question in just a minute. Is there anyone else here who wants to? I do think that identifying students in our own population, and that's a little bit wrong. And so, keeping track of those is helpful. I see it as faculty's responsibility, but I also think it's responsible for this teaching, that I'll have some NIH grant that I'm managing and supervising labs, which makes a difference. So, keeping track of those and inviting those students to take advantage of these resources. Again, it's helpful. And I'm going to say that if you have an isolated space and say you abandon an isolated space, I think you just ask those people to come to a similar space to offer it so that students can take advantage of it. And I can say that I think the targeted communication is a really great thing to do, especially with these students who maybe their faculty members are not as involved. Maybe they're doing other things, and so just those messages are just like, hey, we're here. We want to support you. We want to help you. Here are some opportunities to do that. And so, I think that someone who's written a dissertation is a very lonely process.  You feel like nobody knows what you're talking about. Nobody can figure out what you're talking about. And so maybe it's not your own job, you know? So having that communication just helps them know that people care. I think a lot of times I get students, like, I just don't like that to be to care about me. And so, like, those communications really mean a lot. And so thinking about the way you're coming up on this role is like we want to. And this is like, you know, the faculty that is that volunteer for our group, they can speak to everyone and they can help you support everyone, even if it's not their readers' background, but it's still the same type of message, approach, generally, and you can get to learn stuff. But yeah, my approach is, if I were to chair, this is the advice that I would give. If I were to chair, the doctor probably told me, I should do this. What is this? You agree? And they say, she is so on. Fix it. Or they say, yes, we're on my track. And also, how can we first start it? The invitation for chairs to come have a lot of people speak to me from my presence. So it's kind of your luncheon. So I do think that if you have that knowledge, a lot of times, information, workshops, these types of things are given on campus by different entities. And you don't know that you're giving the same information as someone else over here reaching out and asking. I've mentioned you who will be involved in writing on your business. You never know, career services can actually be a workshop that could integrate into a centralized luncheon for graduate students. So it's kind of thinking outside of that and collecting and not duplicating the effort in the work. So that should kind of go up and down. So we don't have to do it on one hand. And a bonus that my students have said is a lot better than Virginia. A lot of your students really are having trouble. Could I come and do a workshop for your class on this? First class of your program. And she does. And it's about two hours. And they have a research paper that's first class. And the first semester they're covering gets them on to a mental solid start. I agree with how many that it can be a whole new process. For any participation, a lot of students feel like they're cordial link in terms of writing support, wall support, taking centeredness. And we found that our participants, although I haven't seen them make a lot of progress, I haven't seen them. A lot of them come to the office in the boot camp. But they felt very supported. And, you know, during the boot camp, and if they were able to report, I got this much farther on my literature review. I wrote this many more pages and I have been stuck for two years or something like that. And I think it's also to the idea of giving them this toolkit that they have pulled from. And maybe they don't necessarily feel like they need to go to the boot camp every time, but they gave the tools that they needed to be able to grasp their skills in the long run. So it provides what it means for all different types of students. Well, I don't know. I didn't talk about knowing more to what we had offered. Okay, the three of you can say, if they registered for you at the other end of the game, if someone only needs the finishing up weekend, they can call the labor force. So we'll tell my students who are registered for me, you need to make sure you attend these two workshops. You need that approval. I might have a student there right now, and then I'll say, you know, if you need the time, and then the stress-relieving workshops we have so the chair of our office, because it's not so much that they walk out and it's a clear understanding of exactly what they need to do. They do get some understanding of that, but more than that, they be the chair of the IRB, and she is friendly and warm and communicates through them. We want to give you, but just that stress-relief of having a colleague. Dean is defying the process. Well, yes, Dean is defying the process. Yes. I can't remember what you had on the workshop slide, but I was just wondering if you had thought about having someone from the counseling center or if you're a campus husband or some wellness, you know, just to talk about work-life balance. We, it's actually one of the different persons and Emily secured the massage therapist that would come on to you. And then if you move forward, I'm happy to come. So we did that. And in the Getting Started workshop, we talked about, you know, I really don't know, but we did talk about where you're sitting or, you know, those mini milestones, identified, and rated, and go, we did both for pleasure. And then come back to it. We did talk about that, but we haven't. Yeah, I guess in our chat, each or any of our team members they do get into that. They talk about their stroke. They can post an omniscient in there. They can desk out a new chair. They can really get it out. And we had to have an emotion, you know. We did talk about that. One of the activities we did at Getting Started was write down all the things that you need to do that are not related to your pieces of dissertation or what's on your plate. Not just tasks to do, but happenings in your life so that you can write it down instead of just, this weekend's about writing it into progress and get that information. Take that and put it aside. It's addressed in a very formal manner. Align yet? Yeah. We want to add a Getting Young panel so that we have recent grads who've recently finished and talk about their experiences of how they actually got finished. They haven't done that yet, but we want to. I think that's a very good idea. I can remember in my program when I was sitting and I'll be on for a class when we can, and somebody walked in and said, you know, but it was just inspiring. I liked what they did. There is a white at the end of this. So one of the last things we were going to do, it was going to be, I think this is going to be an individual who's going to be talking. It reminded me, because we have some people who didn't know or who tried one. In the auto building, we have done a writing program. Writing, and it started out as a thesis dissertation at the end, but it was an educational leadership. You were taking your leave as a commentator because of your other obligations. But we do have thesis due back when we were feeding the thing. It was focus, time, space. It could be work. My partner chair, she turned out a paper. Just the idea, and they don't even work, they need a comment space. And I like who we're feeding. This is the main thing, but I also love that they'll have to mail. These are the main things. Building on what Cynthia said about the get it done phase. I think the other piece is the working ahead to the next step space, because you know, I don't know about other people, but like I gave my dissertation to my committee, and then I have like three weeks of nothing to do. And so I definitely, my CV, I could do informational interviews. That sort of thing. So thinking about next steps. So it's not like a positive, oh my God, I have to find a job now. Another workshop that we've done and it's super successful is having someone from our University Press come in and talk about turning their dissertation course. What do you do? That's great. And in fact, I didn't even like to follow up or maybe add bringing your completed dissertation. What do you support? Because even though they're alumni, and they're ours, I think that would be a good, and now we've had postdocs, we've had assistant professors come to that so that they want to know too, they need to write for tenure. Sorry, you're running around with your day-to-day staff today. So, in and out of the world, small barriers, though if you already have a few people on you, not what could be, what could be an ideal world. No barriers, no really go there. Don't think of it like this person with a lot more kind of tenure jobs. No, everyone's on board. Everyone says yes. Faces are available. What would it look like? But maybe you send a stuff or put it in. Is there a special location here where people can chat? There's a chat. There's a chat, okay. We limited it to Q&A, but post in the chat, I mean they could link something in the chat if they wanted. Can you give me that, if we ask John to set up like a shared folder for us to share resources? If you want to ask me to do it. Yeah, I have three ideas to add hours for you all today.  An ideal world. So just a little bit of background, currently in my position as a graduate, master's and Ph.D. students that are masters, arts, engineering, they are document to ensure that their meeting office doesn't assist with any writing. In an ideal world, I would like for our office to be not necessarily that central point for writing, but to be another stepping stone for students. The idea of the writing workshop is just amazing to me. You live in a computer lab, you can't do anything, but you can write. I mean, I'd love to be able to provide that for a student whether it's for discipline specific or not. Of course, in any institution, just as you mentioned, you have faculty that are willing to give that extra time that you have faculty that are just kind of in this boxing, their own area of research, and where we don't want to step outside of that. So while that, obviously would be an area, in an ideal world, we would all be disciplined to assist these students in every area of the writing process. For our institution, something like that would be well attended, but going back to those barriers, I'm not 100% sure that it would actually work for us. We would have the necessary resources to provide these students. So in an ideal world, I would love for our office to be able to kind of broaden our scope so we could be able to service our students in that area. One of the things that we first started, we had the student success center, and the coordinator would make sure that the student success center agreed to come and do some work. And then periodically it would be an actual, and so we realized that we didn't come on rough, so we had to find somebody else. And there was an instructor of student history, he was, he was an active faculty member of the English department of the American American, and he was, that he was interested. And so, this is back when we were so hard to move people money out and Joseph got some money from the workshop, and Joseph also was advertising himself and put permission for editing some work. And so, we did have an effect. Right now we have an amazing person who she comes and she works with and she really adds value to the experiences so we know, but we really did in our private school thing that who started this was very committed and so, it was really some money. But so, she was really just seeking out and finding those individuals that are and all I did was contact me. The other thing is that when you meet them, you are looking on research and service. You have junior faculty and they need some service. And so, if they are getting their favorite English person and they are getting good student contact with your department, you have someone who supports technical writing and then you reach out to them and say, is it your value and service? Are you going to delay two hours to do a workshop for us? You know, because if you can get the letter, thank you so much for the amount of time. There are ways to tap in and that will help the faculty member as well as our students. We have a graduate student funding as a who can go in under that with utilizing resources from the library. A graduate college I'm sorry, go ahead and then I'll share with you in my ideal world I'd be able to take every person with whom you chair at our university and make them take the workshop. But if they actually know I'm going to tell you another format in one day because that's the way they have to do it at their university compared to the other workman. Maybe that's something that should be required. If you're a graduate faculty you have to see how we do it at this university that's part of your graduate faculty getting a freaking graduate faculty for your students. Yeah. I get frustrated with people a lot have to do this a lot have to do this a lot of things like this not really. And you probably did it in France a lot of times. I was telling somebody in a day when I did my dissertation I was so impressed by people in the library to look at stuff. You all can do it online give them a shout out to them. She partnered with our school social work and so students were doing their master's in social work you get a graduate assistantship and they are student success specialists in that they help students with other needs. So if you've got a student whose grant has gone up and others of course and you do that so many times and they they're typically there for a year right now you have two two. So Janine you have two. Yeah. And if you were to write a history and listening and I'm knowing all the reasons for that there's food bay there's you know and those kind of you know there's those kind of things there's a place you can go and get clothes for you and you know so it's the social workers that know that. So they are getting some and so our students are getting I mean then cost students but it's not a huge and what else in your ideal world provides formatting services for just due to the volume of students we deal with and the limitations of our staff we cannot provide content feedback and we get that request so often particularly like Allison mentioned because we have such a large international student population they ask a lot about I just want grammar feedback it's my infrastructure again by using the commas currently and while that is our background you know English majors and everything like that we do not have a bandwidth to provide that to you know 10 years of education is going on so many so in an ideal world I think our office would have the you know fleet of graduates you know our partnership with their office to be able to find students with more of a just feedback we've been understaffed for a while so just getting through formatting has been a challenge so yeah I think so again and it's just a suggestion you're reading a you're looking at international students who are struggling with this so then we contact with them and say we do a workshop and when you say this is a better one I mean you don't have time to do that but somebody might be able to structure something they can get dumped on and they're tapped to do everything or they nobody don't let my students come in but this would take them hopefully if they're not in the template and I've told them that that's fine but you've got to put in the template so I think making sure you didn't want to see the template from the beginning and our department's philosophy is the chair of the law and he's making this useful it is about one thing that I've heard and actually at this conference a few years ago is he gets University of Central Florida and they have kind of a blackboard or compass or canvas or whatever they want these days they have a force in there for faculty that they should opt into and they can also make their students going to a course on their formatting department so each page so like I had a call with somebody there you can tell the browser is the person in charge there but I had a call with them and they showed me what it looked like they showed me what kind of stuff with it so that's a thought to help faculty and students to set up a program oh yeah that's okay so I think the University of Central Florida has a canvas compass whatever site or that's tutorials on formatting for both faculty and then also for students and I think for faculty too and students it's about the what you mentioned you need to do the IRB if you don't do the IRB and you need to you're going to be in big trouble and so it's like justifying what other things need to happen and what happens on the grand college and behind the scenes it's not just part of the paper it's like I think what they did was that there's like a different page or like this is how you do the title page this is how you do the body this is how you do this and I think you can wrap it in like tutorials so on our website I've found those Microsoft 4 tutorial videos and I've kind of looked that in there too and then just I do this here's the link to the Microsoft 4 you want to do that and you know sometimes when you graduate you're not putting the job you're going to have much resources on our what and slash ETV and I think they actually made this I don't think they made the faculty take a quiz but they made the students take a quiz as they did definitely look them up they'll show you everything they've got and there's well a pain point at our university is it's going to be every five years now you have to apply for a faculty still maintain your scholarship I think it would add and it's not about me I mean for me it's about me but I have to list all of the students in our chair I have to the things I've served on all that stuff well if I could just also we're starting to push work more the other thing that's really nice about having it on canvas or whatever you need it in here so if you need it at 2 a.m. that's when you're going for my participation then you have it and you don't have to wait you know and you may have gone through it and you think you know and then you get that point and you go back and make sure you in my online like you are too charging and water coffee and water and all that there's a huge difference I would do that and then I would also invite those chairs when we get some of the information so that students are interacting on the basis while they're working because that's a great idea but the take away here for you to go back I think we've gone through what we do how we're doing and what we like to do what can you go away to you know to get support data is data speaks I'm not a data person but it really does speak to me I'm just going to do the number isn't that showing a need with those numbers and so getting buy-in or getting volunteers or getting leadership involved in the recruitment or for the dean the forward dean was so able in getting these major departments or entities on campus to come together to launch this new camp so you know we have we talk about the graduate coordinator meeting sometimes the information presented at that meeting a lot of faculty who want to hear it who want to renew the graduate coordinator but is there a central meeting or an orientation or anything that happens that involves faculty that can take they can present this idea to and show the need and show the benefit and throw some interest you know and then then seems to go and even sometimes making a connection it may not be me in the eyes but I know someone and then you go follow up slightly off topic but still to remain I think one of the things we've done is to identify where the information breakdown happens right so we have what we call a graduate council that has assistant needs for research we have graduate chairs and then we have program coordinators graduate program coordinators and there has to be one of those spaces one of those liminal spaces that information about our services and requirements and resources get shared because there's a breakdown you know faculty don't have information students come for to upload their documents to an IR so we're working on closing that gap it's critical a lot of things in a way that we need to add so I've taken away some some additional work for us I can't emphasize the important thing from our graduate school days I was dreaming faculty but again I've already come and so I've been able part of that I've come to very much meeting I've come on Taylor said your students should be willing to make sure it happens last night I came back on the same thing I did five semesters ago but you know I can do more work so the team invited who are willing to make services after the exam yeah plan this conversation thinking about I mean you mentioned those quotes that you got from students about how helpful that is I mean if you send an email to all of your old department you can include those quotes in there or you know if you don't have the quotes if you have messages from students saying can I have this and send it to everybody and that's to our last slide here everybody do a QR but that's our good input our testimonials for your funding work it's gratitude so help yourself contact information or ideas if you go back and you launch something or you add it just it's amazing please that's really amazing thank you thank you thank you thank you all for participating I'm sorry about the time of your team and we are sorry please use our contact information and ask us anything or please share with us anything to your idea or thank you all thank you and we still have a wonderful workshop we're really glad you're here thank you for your patience and we'll see you at lunch virtual folks we will see you during breaks for the plenary that is coming up let's see yeah at 1.30 we have our plenary ETD formatting and reviewing topics and questions with folks from is it beautiful to Tennessee okay great bye see you soon


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