My name is India, and this is a story of Brazil and Israel's extraordinary friendship. Vamo la gente! Brazil is the largest country in Latin America. Israel, on the other hand, is much smaller. In fact, it could fit inside of Brazil 388 times. Yet despite their difference in size, they have a very special bond. I've lived in Brazil and Israel, and both places feel like home to me. Brazil has the ninth largest Jewish population in the world, and there are around 15,000 Brazilians living here in Israel, most of which are Jewish. But before they arrived here, Brazil played a major role in the establishment of Israel. In 1947, Brazil voted in favor of the UN resolution that established Israel as a nation. Here, you can see Brazilian Ambassador Oswaldo Aranya. He was the president of the UN General Assembly at the time, and fought tirelessly to pass the resolution that created Israel. In honor of his contribution, there are several streets in Israel named after him. Today, Israelis are quite fascinated with Brazilian culture. It may look like we are in Rio de Janeiro, but we are on a beach in Tel Aviv. You can even see Israelis playing one of Brazil's favorite sports, It's like playing volleyball, but with your feet. Now, this is Kogomello. He is an Israeli who is famous across the country for bringing together Israeli and Brazilian culture. They're doing this. Capoeira. It is a Brazilian martial art that uses dance and music, and Kogomello is a capoeira master and a children's star here in Israel. But now, I would like you to meet one more special guest. Some have said before that Israel is the promised land, and Brazil is the land of promise. Brazil and Israel's friendship is one of a kind. It is deeply rooted in mutual respect and admiration. It just goes to show that true friendship flourishes when you work hard at building it. This is the story of Israel and Brazil.


You know no one who leaves your life limits your life I know we feel it at the time because we relied on what they brought to the table The gift their ability their finances their love their friendship or wherever it is But you have to settle in life that no one who leaves you Limits you there's always other people in your future that are always new depths to discover within yourself that replaces What they took with them you never knew you had it in you because you relied on it too much in them So let that be a bit of a mantra for you going forward into the new year, especially No one who leaves me limits me I am going to go on and prosper and flourish without them in my life because I can I learned this the hard way because lots of people left me and I to decide that will not limit the size and outcomes of my life


So we have completely removed all the scalp structures. We have reflected them and we have pinned them here. So this is the temporal region This is the right side. I'm standing on the right side and the camera person is also on the right side This is the layer which I have lifted up. This is the temporal parietal fascia The temporal parietal fascia is the lateral extension of the glia aponeurotica So this is the glia aponeurotica and the lateral extension of that is called the superficial temporal fascia Or the temporal parietal fascia and we can see running in the superficial temporal fascia these blood vessels and These thrombose vessels these are the superficial temporal veins and accompanying them will be the superficial temporal artery and The auricular temporal nerve. So let's reflect that once we reflect then we can see this layer here This is the deep temporal fascia or the temporal fascia proper We have removed the periosteum from the skull here and we have reflected here and we see deep temporal fascia is Attached to the superior temporal line and we have reflected the deep temporal fascia here one half of it and the other half of it And we notice that this deep temporal fascia as it comes down it becomes very thick and not only that it splits into two layers This is one layer and this is the other layer The lower thick portion the outer layer attaches itself to the outer surface of the zygomatic arch And this is the zygomatic arch here and the inner layer gets attached to the inner surface of the zygomatic arch So this is the deep temporal fascia the two layers attached to the zygomatic arch Now this serves a very important function This gives a very strong counter traction with the zygomatic arch from above and it counters the pull of the miscellaneous muscle which is here When the miscellaneous muscle contracts vigorously it tends to pull on the zygomatic arch from below that is countered by this deep temporal fascia Now let's come to the boundaries of the temporal fossa superiorly and posteriorly The boundary is the superior temporal line to which I mentioned was attached the deep temporal fascia So that is the inferior temporal line which I shall mention just now Anteriorly we have this boundary here This is partly formed by the frontal bone and partly by the zygomatic bone where my finger is tracing Laterally is the zygomatic arch which is formed by the zygomatic process of the temporal bone And the temporal process of the zygomatic bone together constituting zygomatic arch The floor of the temporal fossa is formed by four bones which we cannot see They are from the frontal bone, the parietal bone And deep inside will be the greater ring of sphenoid, posteriorly will be the squamous part of temporal bone This is the picture of the skull to show the four bones constituting the floor of the temporal fossa and the location of the diria This is another cadaver dissection where we have reflected the temporalis fossa to show you the floor of the temporal fossa This is the region of the tirion The floor is composed of four bones Frontal bone, parietal bone, greater ring of sphenoid and squamous part of temporal bone And in this region they form an H-shaped suture which is referred to as the tirion The significance of the tirion is that the anterior division of the middle menageal artery runs under the tirion embedded in the endosteum This is the plain x-ray of the skull that will be able to show the vascular markings produced by the anterior and posterior divisions of the middle menageal artery And if there is a fracture to the temporal region then the middle menageal artery anterior division can rupture and it can produce extracellular hematoma which will require a burr hole This is the non-contrast city of the skull to show fracture of the temporal region of the left side and an extracellular hematoma When we have a patient with extracellular hematoma we do a burr hole by splitting the fibres of the temporalis muscle Then we make a burr hole here and we like the anterior division of the middle menageal artery So that brings me to the next point Given a normal situation like this, how do we locate the position of the tirion? There are several ways of doing it. One of them is take the zygomatic arch, take the midpoint of the zygomatic arch Go one and a half inch above the midpoint that is the location of the tirion Another method is to consider the triggers of the ear and go three fingers behind the triggers of the ear and two fingers behind the frontal bone and where they meet that is the location of the tirion These are two of many methods which are used to locate the approximate location of the tirion before doing a burr hole So that is all about the temporal region


What is up everybody welcome back to the channel you guys in today's video I'm going to simply show you how not to promote your business on social media. And it all starts with a direct message okay so if you're new to my channel man my name is David. I'm out here in San Diego I've been I've been built in a social media agency and a digital publishing company. Since 2017 I got into social media marketing and started servicing clients, small business owners real estate agents in 2017. And so I have a lot of experience with this I've a lot of experience with closing clients, reaching out to clients direct messaging clients, getting people to get on a zoom call with me. All that is what I've been experiencing for the past few years right. And the way I did it was very, very different. It's not where I'm building a huge social media brand. It's not where I have everything in place right all my all my platforms are optimized but I don't, I don't promote my business that way I don't, I don't post every other post about my business like in fact if you go to all my social media accounts it's all just personal it's all my family it's my kids it's my wife it's, it's the real David right there's really no hardcore pitch or business related information or content on any of my platforms. I've had success doing it that way but what I want to talk about today is the direct message I've literally 99.9, I'll just say 99, 99% of my clients and I've literally brought in over to this day over 500 over 500, just from the direct message. Those are not from ads. Those are not referrals 1% is referrals. I'll have people that refer their friends to me, I'll have, I'll have some of my awesome YouTube subscribers reach out to me and become clients. So I've gotten I got in clients, I've gotten clients from referrals and YouTube, but that's 1%. The other 99% has been from me direct messaging okay. Now, the example that I'm going to, I'm going to show you today and I don't mean to put anyone under the, I don't mean to throw anyone under the bus.  There's a difference between persistency and bugging, like don't bug people right so I'm going to show you some examples on what not to do and then I'll kind of just show you what I've done and tell you what I've done to really be successful with the direct message. So if any of you guys are freelancers, if you're an aspiring agency owner and you're looking to get clients. I'm telling you right now man hundreds and hundreds of clients that I've gotten myself personally direct messaging. So this stuff really, really works right really, really works. So let me kind of just show you what I've been experiencing and the messages that I've been getting specifically on LinkedIn. So a lot of people over here are all quote unquote professionals right like you got freaking the best of the best over here everything is about business over here on LinkedIn right so you have everyone networking and trying to freakin slide into the DM. But again I'm going to show you what not to do man.  And then I just show you this show you show you what I'm what I'm what I'm seeing all damn day. So, and this ain't even with a lot of connections right I don't have a huge social media following I'm into Facebook I'm into ads right I'm into running Facebook ads or, or, or, or, or Instagram ads. I haven't really built a huge huge following as far as my brand over here I don't post on anything. The only thing I do is is upload my YouTube. And then I'll take that video and share it on these other platforms, but I'm not organically putting anything else on these platforms, they're just as is right. Facebook is the only one my personal Facebook that's the only one where I where I somewhat post different things about my family and things of that, like that, of that nature but it's really my YouTube video that I'll take and I'll share. And that's what I've been doing on social media right and then just again relying on the back end of Facebook ads to get business, or, or my direct message strategy. Okay, so here's what you don't want to be doing man when you're out there reaching and prospecting, reaching out to local business owners and trying to schedule appointments because that's what it's all about hundreds and hundreds of my clients came as a direct message, and as me scheduling that appointment for a zoom call. I've never done I don't do phone calls I've never asked anyone for their phone number in the direct message. It's always asking for their email and the best time to chat tomorrow. And what I do with that email is I add them to my calendar and email them the link to my zoom. That's how I've done it I was I was doing zoom presentations in 2017 2018 2019 way before this freaking pandemic freaking mess right. I've been doing zoom doing calls like that for for for a few years now so zoom is nothing new to me. And, and, and that's how I've scheduled my appointments. Right. But it all starts with a direct message and so over here man let me show you some of these messages. And I don't know why it's just linked in I don't get crazy messages on Twitter. I don't get crazy messages on on on on Facebook. It's freaking all these weirdos on LinkedIn. So, let me show you just just a few examples like, in fact this is a perfect example look. Look, and again man, no disrespect to Kelsey I don't know Kelsey but I'm using her her strategy as the example for today's video man because this is not what you want to be doing Kelsey. So, here's what ended up happening we ended up and I don't request anyone over here by the way that's why my connections are so low I don't spend any time on any of these platforms all I'm doing is YouTube and freaking ads, Facebook ads. That's it so all this other organic stuff. It's these are people that are requesting me, I haven't requested anyone over here right. And so this this this this chick right here Kelsey she requests me I accept her and then boom right away she sends me a message was just checking out your profile love what you're up to would love to connect if you're up for it. If you do, I promise, I promise to be an immediate value add to your network. It's like dude. Okay, so would love to connect if you're up to it like connect about what Kelsey I don't even freaking know you I'm married. What do you want to do ask me like what kind of connection right.  That's the first message. Like that's how she's reaching out to me it's like would love to connect if you're up for it. If you do, I promise to be an immediate value.  Okay, cool. And that was on Monday right. And then Tuesday, boom, super grateful to you for accepting my request, still that inspired digital. And then Wednesday, another message by the way I'm curious, who are your ideal clients.  So, all I do is all respond back because I'm not, I'm not a chat like I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't be messaging right I do message but it's not. It's so weird you guys like I'm surprised I don't have a course on on on my strategy because my strategy, my direct message strategy will work for any business. At the same time it's super freaking unique. I don't have a full blown direct message. Conversation that goes on like it's it's literally copy and paste it's freaking copy and paste I've closed over 500 clients since 2017 to the direct message, and it's all copy and paste messaging.  Thank you for accepting me and and I'll go through the role play with you. Here's what I'd love to share with you, and let me know if you're up for it like I have a very boom boom boom. What time works tomorrow type of messaging right none of this freaking.  So that was three messages before I even reply and all I do is I reply back with the link to my YouTube. I'm just directing all these weirdos to my YouTube channel. Okay. And then let's see if this is another one. Okay look so she sends me. Okay, so she sends me this first one right 808. I reply back. Thank you for your message I'm rarely on LinkedIn connect me on YouTube connect with me on YouTube. That's where it should have stopped, but then she messages me again, David pardon the persistence, and then she messages me again, and then she messages me again. It's like Jen come on dude really like get the point if I'm not replying or if I didn't, if I didn't say anything that has to do with that first message. Why do you keep messaging me like there's a billion people on social media why me. Okay, so Molly let's see if Molly is freaking weird with her messages. Molly sends me a message at 929 and then another one, April 15 and then I'm saying hey Molly you know what I mean I'm not I'm not on LinkedIn connect with me on YouTube. So then that's where it stopped. Okay, so let's see Stella. Stella. Okay, so that's just one. Let me show you another one. Let me see here. That's just one. I think I right here. Mildred dude, looked at your profile and saw we were in the same B2B cells and marketing would be awesome to connect with someone like minded to see if there's a merit for collaboration. So there's one message, and then another message, and then another message, and then and then by the time I get that third one I'm like I reply I'm like Mildred I'm not on LinkedIn connect with me on on on YouTube. But that's three messages dude three messages before reply, like you don't want to be that person wait for the reply, and then send something right wait for them to wait wait for that person to say something of that that strikes an interest in what that message was was pertaining to, and then you can reply back right don't keep freaking sending messages like that's the whole thing about today's call man, or today's video it's like dude, quit it like look solid look Celine sends me a message right there again there goes my reply. I'm not here. Connect with me on YouTube, and then she goes one message to message three message for message.  You guys don't do that. Okay. Here's how you should first here here's how I did it okay here's how I did it. First of all, you want to focus on one business okay focus on on helping one type of business right don't be the jack of all trades and try to freakin help 15 different types of businesses. If you're doing services which are social media marketing services or Facebook ad services or Instagram YouTube focus on one business especially in the beginning if you're just getting started focus on one. You can faster that and get better than you can branch out and maybe go after different ones right but in the very very beginning I'm a true believer that you need a niche down. Okay, so the way I did it is I came over to Facebook. You can do it on LinkedIn you can do it on Facebook you can do it on Twitter.  So in my case with with with real estate agents, I simply went to my personal Facebook page and requested 5000 agents as friends. That's where it starts. So we'll be here with LinkedIn.  I'm giving them compliments on their posts.  Good job man keep it the great work. Sincerely compliment sincerely put out good vibes to these people that you're now following on Facebook LinkedIn or Instagram. That's where it starts start liking all of their posts, right like over here with Facebook. Here's what I do. Here's what I do. Here's what I do all the time with Facebook. I got 5000 people that are all in one niche right. All I do is I simply come down, and I'll spend maybe 10 minutes.  Normally it's normally it's normally it's up here but but whatever, where you can where you can see each one right from from in recent order but this is all over the place so it's all good.  So my name. Look, family, I'll put a heart. I'll put a heart, and then I'll come over here. Beautiful. Bam. Blessings. Right. And that's just like the real me like that's that's that's how I talk. That's the real me that's keeping everything authentic. And so now when they get that when they get that notification, they're like David, who's this guy, and they come over to my profile right then they come over my profile they notice we're connections were connected we're friends. And that right there is the first top of mind first my name is now top of mind they saw my name. They saw me from the from the heart. They saw me from the from the comment. Now my name sticks out before I even sent them a message where we're barely becoming friends, right so I'm barely coming down.  And then I'll put right here. Awesome. Congrats. Awesome. Congrats. Right. So I'll just simply sincerely be a friend first you guys that's where it starts man. Let that person see your name. Let them know that you're sincere. Let them know that you're into what they're freaking posting and be genuine about it don't put no random bullshit right be genuine about about about about what you're saying on these post with people right so I click like I'll end up clicking like on everything I'll end up commenting on everything. And then I'll put right here I'll put a heart and then I'll put something like cheers. I'm not alone you guys that alone creates just that social proof look Amelia look awesome congrats she just gave my comment to hot heart. Now, now, do you like do you think that she'll know my name like maybe maybe not know my name right away right away but at the same time the more I do that, the more my name is going to stick out. So when I do end up messaging her a week from now a couple weeks from now, she's going to know who I am like she'll recognize that direct message show know that hey it's that guy that's been commenting and liking all my shit. Right. And because it's coming out of sincerity, and I'm being genuine and authentic about my, my comments and my likes.  Right, so it starts there man it starts there. And then, and then, and then because I know my knit or because I know everyone that I'm thought that I'm connected with over here is a specific type of person. So it's really hard for me to just simply come in and just start messaging people, but the way I message is I don't look another heart from Joe Lynn. Cheers. She gave my heart my my comment of heart look at that you guys, you don't think that that alone you guys that alone would help would help you out that alone. Now, when you when you when you reach out to them the way I've done it is I would simply send them. Like, like, like a, like a somewhat of a compliment type of first message, my first message and you'll want to play this back a couple times right you want to play this back this part right here back a couple times. Here's here's here's here's what my message is pretty much pretty much like that first message. And let's use let's use let's use Barbie as the example.   This is my first message watch let me show you. It's out of sincerity man it's out of sincerity. It sounds more genuine that a damn pitch, like it's not exactly a pitch. It's just a friendly hello thank you for accepting my friend request. Let me, let me get to it. Give me one second let me let me open this up. There's the first message you guys. There's the first message.  Okay, so hey Barbie thank you for accepting my friend request I noticed you're super successful in real estate that's really cool.  Right. First of all I'm saying thank you. Thank you for accepting my friend request. The second thing I'm giving the second thing is that I'm giving her a compliment. Right, I notice you're super successful even if she's not even if she's not who the hell doesn't want to hear that they're successful right so even if she's not super successful. I just complimented her and made her feel good. Okay, I help realtors capture local buyer and seller leads through some simple social media marketing strategies and Facebook advertising. I'd love to give you some free tips that right there you guys as a kicker. I'd love to give you some free tips. If you could take on more clients. Who wouldn't take free tips and who cannot take on more clients. Right. So, again, thank you for accepting my friend request have a wonderful weekend. That's it. That's my first message. Now there is not a second one, unless she replies. Okay, unless she replies. Now here's been my strategy since 2017. Okay. If that message today right now look today is freaking May 7. Okay, today's May 7. If a month goes by and she never replied. And I'm coming back and I'm in my direct message and I'm just kind of sorting through my messages I'm trying to really see who you know where everything is at. And if I happen to come across her message this message in my direct message so again as I'm over here. As I'm over here in my actual direct message direct messages so as I come over here into the into the into the view all. And as I'm just over here sliding through and seeing where I'm at with my conversation with with with people again it's all copy and paste man it's the same message for everybody it's crazy. And as I come come back across Barbie maybe in a week, a couple weeks. If I notice that this message was sent last month and she never replied. I in front her. I in front her.  Why doesn't she care, because she doesn't even know me. That's the thing about social media.  Because all I'm doing is I'm, as I'm going through like look, as I go through all these messages to the left, I'll come down to the very, very bottom, where I'm going to, let's say, one week ago. And then I'll go, I'll go two weeks ago, but then I'll go back to old messages, 30 weeks ago, 50 weeks ago, and those are the ones that I'll look at. And if a person replied, then okay maybe that maybe the conversation could have continued but if they never replied. I simply unfriend them, and then I request more, I'll request more again same niche, same everything these are three weeks ago I'll go older than that I'll go way way older than that I'll go. I'll go watch as I scroll down to the left those are four week four week old messages, and then it jumps to like 10 week or 20 week or some shit like that, but five weeks ago, five weeks ago so I can go on for days you guys because I got that's all I do is direct message but look six weeks ago so I'll go I'll go I'll go freaking 10 weeks ago plus. And then again I'll look at that I'll look at that message look nine weeks ago. Look, Lisa. This message right here look she never she never replied right this was March 3 2021 she never replied. So what I do is I simply come over here, and I simply unfriend her. Does she care. No, is she going to notice that unfriended her. No, she doesn't even know me. So again, whether this was LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook, or whatever, you can do this on any platform so Lisa. Nothing, nothing against Lisa nothing personal I don't know her she doesn't know me unfriended right because I was a message and then what I go what I do is I come over here to that actual message. So, Lisa, where's that right here, and then I'll come over here and then I just simply delete it, I delete the entire chat, because it wasn't a chat it was freaking one message that I sent and she never seen it. She never opened it up right. So, I don't care to keep that friend around. I don't need the chat either so I just simply delete that. So now, over here on my personal page. Now I'm at 499, and I'll simply request more I constantly and requesting the same person so 499. I'll come over here friend friends, and then I'll come over here to find friends. And then as I as I continue to simply request the same people by default, over here the people you may know to the left, that will start showing up all of the same types of people. So, filter bam, add friend, but I've already I've already requested a freaking million so so I don't even have to do the whole add friend all the time because I got so many friend request in queue, where if I unfriend, if I unfriend someone. I automatically get another request because there's so many requests that I put out already, right so I'll simply do it that way. So, the messages look nine weeks ago 10 weeks ago. This person right here Lindsay 10 weeks ago. Let's see she opened up. She she saw the first one. Well this was a different first message. But that was February 2021. Okay, so that was that was a couple months ago she saw it but never replied. Now again when I come back to that. I'm going to send her right February 24. I'll maybe let it go for another few weeks and then and then maybe if she maybe maybe maybe she'll show maybe I'll grab her attention with my message with my post right when I start posting stuff. Maybe I'll grab her attention there and then she'll come back and maybe reply to this eventually but if not no big deal I unfriend her. And then 15 weeks ago, 24 weeks ago. This is the first message right here look. This is the first version of my first message. Hey Ray, hey, hey, hey, Rochelle, it's great to connect with you. Actually no that's a different that's a different first message that's a different first message. So this is 26 weeks ago, Leslie. So let's go right Leslie 26 weeks ago let's see where this message is at right here so she saw that first one but never replied. So again because I was so long ago November 2020. Again, I'm going to just simply unfriend, and then I'll request another no big deal right she ain't going to notice that I'm gone. She don't care. Right. So that's how I do it you guys all simply wait for that reply. And then when and here's you got to know your audience you got to know your niche right. You got to know the flow you got to know how that conversation is already going to go. Here's what ends up happening. 10 out of 10 times after my first initial message, they'll reply back or not. But when they do, they simply reply back and say David, that sounds awesome. I don't know nothing about social media marketing, or they'll reply back and say David, none of my Facebook ads work. I'd love some free tips I'd love to, I'd love to, I'd love to jump on a call with you and you can give me some free tips. And then here's my next reply after that. I'll say I'll say I'll say Stacy Thank you so much for your reply. I'd love to give you some free tips. I have one catch. I'd love to schedule a call with you, but I'm going to ask you for a good review. So now I have her thinking that okay this guy's going to give me some good tips and all I need to do is give him a good review. That's my next message you guys so I have them thinking that all I'm in it for is a review I'll give you some free tips, but I'm going to ask for a favor in return. I'm not going to charge you any money, but I'm going to ask you for a review. That's that next reply you guys. So when they when they when they when they read that one, they'll reply back and say David hell yeah, I'll give you a review, I'll give you a good review sounds good. I'll reply back and I'll say awesome. Awesome. I'm trying to get as many reviews as I possibly can right now. Your review is it would mean the world to me. Send me your email and best time tomorrow. I'll add us to the calendar and email you the link to my zoom account, or my or or I'll email you my zoom link. And that's it you guys they reply back with their email, their best time tomorrow. I add them to my cartridge calendar. So I use cartridge for everything so if you're new to online, you know business landing pages email automation and an online calendar to cartridge. So there's a fortune day trial in the description profit with cartridge dot online. That runs my entire online business okay so all simply add them to the calendar, and then an email will go out automatically with a link to my zoom with our scheduled appointment. That's how I've done it you guys I don't keep messaging people there's no persistency on social media you can get burned quick. Don't be that person who bugs people right. Have some decency have some respect and be be be be be real right keep it authentic and be the real you don't try to sound too crazy sells person over here. Let them know that you're giving them some free tips in exchange for a review right. Ask them for their email and best time tomorrow do zoom so you can screen share and visually show them how you can help. That's how I've done it right I'll always jump on zoom so I can visually show them what their platforms are missing and and and then I'll show them examples of my clients. That's visually attractive right there when I can show them that hey this is what my clients looks like this is the leads that we've caught we captured over here. I'd love to do the same thing for you right so that that right there you guys has been the bread and butter. And here's what ends up happening and I'll say this in closing. When I end up getting them on the on on a call right when I end up getting them on a zoom. What's up happening is I already know that they can't do what I'm telling them and my whole presentation it's not pitching. It's not saying here's what I'm going to do for you. It's me consulting and showing them how they can do it themselves. Your presentations are about an hour 45 minutes to an hour, and I'm showing them what to do. But because I'm so gangster and because I'm such of a closer right your boys a closer I'm a keeper rule I'll be closing deal that's what I'm a closer right. But you got to know your closer because I'm a closer I already know that they're not going to be able to implement implement it. So that's why don't be afraid to show them your secrets don't be afraid to show them everything you can do show them how to do it. They just know that at the end of it, they're not going to know how to do it. They're not going to know how to do it. They're not going to have the time to do it. They're not going to have the patience to learn how to do it.  I don't have the time to learn it. I don't know how to learn it. How much would it cost for you to do it for me. So that's how I do it you guys I'm not pitching on my presentation I'm consulting and give them giving them advice and and and showing them how they can do it themselves. And then at the end already knowing that they're not going to want to do it themselves they're not going to know how to do it themselves. So they're going to need me. Okay, so that's how I've done it you guys that's how I've gotten hundreds and hundreds of clients through the direct and still to this day I I earn a good income just from the direct message alone right so if you're new to my channel man if you're into any of this stuff man subscribe smash the bell for notifications I'm dropping daily videos like this on social media marketing Facebook advertising and making money online but a lot of my shit that I put out here is just day in the life I'm either documenting what I'm doing for my business or I'm documenting what I'm doing for someone else's business okay so stick around man comment below let me know where you guys are coming from let me know what kind of business you're building online and let me know how I can bring value to what you got going on okay so the direct message you guys there's a shit load of money in the direct message but you have to come off genuine you have to be a friend first and you have to sound sincere okay don't shoot for a phone number shoot for an email don't shoot for today's appointment shoot for tomorrow best time tomorrow. And don't reply to that message unless they replied to your previous one okay and that would save you just time and headache and and and just just all the above right so hopefully that made sense you guys there's a ton of people on social media find your one niche go follow that one niche and then go learn how to bring value to that one niche alright guys I'll see you in the next video over now.


This episode was prerecorded as part of a live continuing education webinar. On-demand CEUs are still available for this presentation through all CEUs. Register at allceus.com slash counselor toolbox. I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation on codependency. So what we're going to start out with today is kind of defining codependency and then comparing and contrasting codependency with traits of substance use disorder or what we would think of as addiction. And then we're going to move into more specific issues for screening for codependency and some different interventions we might be able to use. So codependency can serve as an alternate addiction or a distraction from recovery for people. So you may have somebody who has a substance use disorder who also is codependent. So they're not necessarily mutually exclusive. Codependence must use relationships to try and deal with depression or anxiety. They derive most of their purpose and we're going to talk about this a lot from caretaking. Ultimately codependency is a self-defeating because one of the few things that cannot be controlled is the will of another person. So no matter how much somebody tries to rescue and tries to help, if that person is not willing to engage in treatment behaviors or is not able to do what the codependent wants, then the codependent ends up feeling depressed, anxious, angry, all kinds of dysphoric stuff. Codependency describes a type of relationship in which one partner defines his or her worth or goodness based on someone else. The codependent person often chooses relationships in which the other person needs to be rescued thereby making himself or herself indispensable. So when we start thinking about it, I mean really thinking about what's going on, what's the purpose when somebody chooses relationships and really looks for relationships where somebody needs to be rescued or tends to go to those sorts of relationships, what function is the relationship serving? Is it serving a mutually compatible, self-affirming, building, inspiring function? Or is it one because if I don't feel indispensable then I'm afraid you're going to abandon me. So warning signs that we want to look for. If people have an excessive and unhealthy tendency to rescue and take responsibility for other people. Some of our clients and codependency isn't a DSM diagnosis. So this isn't something we're going to be seeing a list of criteria for. But when we start talking with some of our clients who have anxiety or depression, a lot of times we may hear signs or we may hear tips that they do tend to get in relationships where they're rescuing and taking responsibility for other people. We want to help them see what the function of that is. And when they're looking at in the big scheme of things what creates a rich and meaningful life for them and how to achieve that, is it that person that they're in a relationship with or is it being able to nurture and care give or is it being in some sort of relationship because they're afraid of being alone. We want to look at who and what is important in this person's life and how does this relationship where somebody needs to be rescued fit in. They derive a sense of purpose and boost their self-esteem through extreme self-sacrifice to satisfy the needs of others. And if you look at your stereotypical codependent enabler in an addictive family, that person is going to do a lot of covering up for the addict and sacrificing themselves doing whatever they need to do to keep that perfect facade to the outside and to rescue buffer or enable the person who is struggling with the addiction or whatever else. They choose to enter and stay in lengthy high-cost caretaking and rescuing relationships despite the costs to themselves or others. So again, looking at what's the cost of this? Yes, you feel something, true. But is this something you can only get from this person? And again, what is the function of this behavior? What would happen if you woke up tomorrow and this relationship weren't there anymore? Let's talk about what that would look like, what would it feel like and how would you manage if this relationship didn't exist anymore? They regularly try to engineer the change of troubled, addicted or under-functioning people whose problems are far bigger than their abilities to fix them.  Okay, anyhow.  We are not working with Marionette's here. So they're trying to engineer and change things but there maybe and likely is stuff way out of their realm of training like mental health stuff that needs to be addressed and interpersonal things, trauma from the past, social skills, job skills. There's only so much that any one person can do. Even a therapist, we have our limits of confidence and then we refer out for other things and the codependent really wants to do everything. They don't want to let anybody else in because that might risk the person leaving. They seem to attract low functioning people looking for someone to take care of them so they can avoid adult responsibility or consequences or they attract people in perpetual crisis unwilling to change their lives. I've even seen this in some colleagues who regularly end up with friends because they're good listeners. They've been trained to be therapists or peer supporters or whatever and so people who need help or who are in perpetual crisis often flock to them. The question is how that person handles it and whether they start self-sacrificing and it starts draining them or they're able to set healthy boundaries and refer the person out, help them that way. They have a pattern of engaging and well-intention but ultimately unproductive, unhealthy helping behaviors such as enabling.  Well, that's well-intentioned. However, now you've potentially called in some favors, you've risked your reputation and there is no motivation for your spouse to get help necessarily. So looking at what the behaviors were, what the intentions were and validating, your heart was in the right place. However, is it going to have the outcome you hope? And one of the things that I do with some of my clients is I encourage them to play it out. Okay, your wife got a DUI.  No doubt about it having to go to a substance abuse assessment and pre-empt probation and anything else that you got to do. It's just like a coops to jump through. So I can understand this and she won't have a driver's license which is going to cause some problems. So let's play it through. If you make this charge go away, what's going to happen? Is she going to do it again? Is she going to learn her lesson and spontaneously change? Usually the first time people think that the other person is just going to learn their lesson and never ever do it again. And that's what we want. We want them to if they feel like they need to reach out the first time and they feel like in their head, heart and gut it's the right thing to do. That's your choice. But if you keep doing it time after time after time, I had a family member who kept bailing her daughter out of jail time after time after time and the daughter wouldn't change. She was just back out doing the same thing. So it's important to be aware of, you know, is the person learning from it. So playing it out. If you make this charge go away again, is she going to change this time? Or is she going to go back and do the same thing again and possibly kill herself this time? Okay, so let's play out the other scenario. You let her experience the natural consequences. Having to go to court, losing her license, jump through all those hoops. Is that going to change anything? And if the answer is no to both accounts, then treatment's probably an important referral here anyway. However, a lot of times once the legal system gets involved, you know, in terms of if we're talking about a person with an addiction, then there's a little bit of motivation to do the next right thing. There's some bite to not following through with what you're supposed to do. So let's look at codependencies and addiction. Tolerance. The need for more of the same substance or activity to get the same feeling. In a codependent relationship, as time passes, the codependence identity becomes increasingly defined by the relationship with the other person. So if that person goes away, and we'll talk about this down in withdrawal too, they need to be around that person more often. And they need, because they're kind of becoming, they're morphing into one person, they're losing themselves. So in order to feel okay, they need to make sure that they're still joined at the hip, so to speak. Withdrawal means not getting the substance, being around the person results in physical, not being around the substance results in physical or psychological withdrawals. When the codependent is apart from the codependent D or from the addict, they're unable to control that person. Generally, if you're not in the same proximity, it's harder to control. Now they may call them, they may phone stock them, but it's harder to control them. So they may start getting worried that the person's going to abandon them or make another mistake that they're going to have to clean up. So the codependent starts experiencing extreme anxiety and or depression. Because codependents, just as much as people with addictions, tend to need to control everything that they can. They spend more time thinking about engaging in or recovering from the behavior. You know, this is common one in addiction. When people are spending time thinking about their drug or gambling, engaging in gambling or they're using their drug and recovering physically, psychologically, and financially from use. Codependents are always hyper-vigilant to the other people's behavior and obsessing about what they're not doing or what they're doing. So their life revolves around thinking about this other person. What is he doing? What are his motivations? Codependents spend large amounts of time rescuing or covering up for the other person and fixing it. So engaging in this codependent behavior. And the codependent gets exhausted taking care of the other person but cannot stop because they rely on the other person to tell them they're okay. So they're recovering from the behavior and they can't seem to get out of it because if I don't do this, then I'm not okay. If this person is not there to validate me, then I kind of disappear. So real weak ego strength. Forgoing other interests in order to maintain the addiction. So the relationship is the drug of choice in the codependent's lives. Having that person in their life makes them feel okay or whole. And the relationship takes the place of self-love. So we see, you know, a huge glaring sign here of a step that we can take in treatment is helping clients develop self-esteem and the ability to love themselves and not rely on other people to say, you know what, you're okay. You know, we need you in this world. They can look in the mirror and go, the world needs me, thank you very much. Continuing the addiction or the relationship despite negative consequences, emotional consequences. A person who's codependent experiences frequent bouts with depression, anxiety, anger, and resentment, especially when they can't control the other person or when the other person is not doing well. Social consequences can include loss of other friends because sometimes friends will see what's going on and go, you know, Sally, this is really not helpful to you right now. This is not healthy. And this is not helpful to the other person either, potentially. And eventually friends may back away because codependents tend to take sort of a martyr position sometimes. And sometimes friends get tired of that going, well, eventually friends get to the point where they're saying, you stayed in the situation. I don't know what you want me to say. Physical consequences of codependency, stress-related physical issues, and we know that there's a myriad of those. And occupational, the codependent is going to call in sick to take care of the alcoholic who's hungover. The codependent is probably going to have poor job performance because they're focused on the addict who is not in their direct presence. The codependent is going to suffer in their job performance because they're plum exhausted from worrying about the person with the addiction. So you can see, you know, all the prime characteristics of a substance use disorder can be applied to codependency and these relationships. They can be very, very toxic. So what is similar between addicts and codependents? Because you would say, you know, well, what's the function of the addiction? What's it doing for the person? Or, you know, how can we... What sorts of issues might this person be dealing with? And we find that the issues that are similar are similar between addicts and codependents with a few exceptions. So both have low self-esteem. Most people with addictions tend to feel like... feel ashamed, feel like they're not worthy. I don't think I've ever met a person with a full-blown addiction that truly feels all that good about themselves. They may be very successful in certain things, but they may also recognize that they're not living the kind of life they want to. Both tend to struggle with depression and anxiety and a need to control. So we can help people develop distress tolerance... Wow. Distress tolerance skills. We can help them address cognitive distortions. We can help them work with radical acceptance and we can help them use techniques, such as acceptance and commitment therapy to address their need to control everything. They need to start learning what things they can control, what things they can't control, and how to cope with those things that are out of their control. So when Jim Bob goes out and drinks all night long, even though you told him not to, you feel angry and resentful. You couldn't control that behavior. How do you deal with that? Because you can't control another person. How do you deal with it so it doesn't destroy you? Both struggle with fear of abandonment. It's really a common theme in people with addictions as well as people with codependency issues. Because their self-esteem is low, they tend to need other people to validate them and if they don't have other people validating them, then they kind of feel like they cease to be or they feel unworthy. So they need to be surrounded and when people disagree with them and people leave, that abandonment is almost like ripping apart their heart out. Relationships often comfort and numb in codependency especially, but sometimes in addiction. You know, I see a ton of unhealthy relationships that are based a lot of times on merely physical presence and sexual involvement in order to comfort themselves. I can tell you stories after working on a coeducational unit for 20 years about the lengths people will go to for relationships. The relationship becomes the addict's primary focus. So this is true with codependence, with people with addictions, if they're blocked from their primary addictions such as in treatment, we can quickly see them moving into focusing on a person and or sex. Minimizing, denying and blaming to protect the relationship. I've seen people with addictions use all of these, minimize how bad their problem is, deny they have a problem, blame others. I wouldn't have to drink, I wouldn't have to use. But we also see this in codependency. They minimize the impact that the relationship is having on them.  They deny that the person with the addiction is or this relationship is not helpful. And they tend to blame others. Well, if you would help me with this person or blame the person, if you would do the next right thing and get better, then I wouldn't have to take care of you. So there's a lot of throwing focus, throwing blame instead of taking responsibility. A lot of stinking thinking in both. And if you're not familiar with this term, that's really cognitive distortions. Global negative internal attributions. The world is against me. What the DSM-5 tends to refer to as neurotic behavior. Addicts and codependence both have difficulty identifying what they're feeling. With a person with an addiction, well, with both of them, but especially with a person with an addiction, my experience has been sometimes they don't have the words to put to it. They just don't have the emotional vocabulary. Sometimes they've been numb for so long that they don't feel anything anymore. Sometimes trauma has made people emotionally solid. So we need to be aware of those things. People with codependency often can't identify what they're feeling because they take on the feelings of everybody around them. They're like the little chameleon. I don't know if you've ever watched the Bugs Bunny cartoon where there was a chameleon in there and he walked in front of a pink screen and he turned pink and a blue screen and he turned blue. And then Bugs Bunny threw up all these polka dots and he walked in front of it and just freaked out because they were multi-colored polka dots and he freaked out because he couldn't be all of those things at once. And that's kind of the way people with codependency may feel sometimes too because they're in a room and there's this person that has this feeling that's angry and resentful and there's this person that's sad and there's this person that's addicted and you're wanting to fix them and you want to rescue them. So there's multiple feelings and you're trying to rescue multiple people. Think about being on a ship and there's 15 passengers overboard and you're trying to figure out how to save all of them and one person can only do so much. Lack of empathy for the feelings and needs of others. Now this is interesting because codependence you tend to think are over-concerned about the feelings and needs of others. However, sometimes they kind of switch and they're like, you know what? I need you to do this. You need to do this for me. I need you to get better.  I need you to follow directions. Both addicts and codependence may mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor or isolation. They experience and we want to help clients start identifying when they feel hurt, when they feel depressed, when they feel angry or betrayed, how do they react? You know, when they feel those feelings. What is their emotional reaction? What is their behavioral reaction? So we can help them start identifying and becoming more cognizant of when they feel hurt and develop skills to effectively resolve that hurt instead of lashing out in anger, making a joke or just withdrawing completely and going to their room. They both often experience significant aggression, resentment and negativity.  Yeah, I can see where you would feel threatened periodically because, you know, we know that aggression, anger is a response to fear and threat. They have difficulty making decisions because there's just too much. It's overwhelming. They're trying to make everybody happy and pacify everyone. Judge what they think, say or do harshly and is never good enough. They have this negative internal voice that says you're not good enough, which is another reason they need external validation to say, yes you are, you're good enough. So we need to help them silence that internal critic as well as develop a positive, strong self-esteem. They value others' approval of their thinking, feelings and behavior over their own. So a lot of times with people who are codependent, none of these are all the time. This is just kind of general characteristics we're looking at. If they get rejection, if somebody disagrees with them, it is like pouring salt in a wound. They don't handle other people's dissension very well at all. Even if it's not a big deal, if you disagree on politics or religion or what the best color of car is, it can be something that's not super critical, but anything that, when anybody disagrees with the codependent, it feels like just absolute raw rejection. And they don't perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile people. They seek recognition and praise to overcome feelings of less than. So you see this theme keep coming up. So a lot of these we can knock off with self-esteem work and helping people learn how to set healthy boundaries and develop an understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like. Healthy relationships, there are arguments. There are discussions. I mean, Ward and June Cleaver are not a good picture of a healthy relationship because I don't think they ever argued in any single, in any single episode. There were a few other shows of the time where occasionally they would argue. I think life, my personal experience and impression is life is more like I love Lucy than leave it to Beaver. And you know what happens? You get into disagreements, you make up, you apologize. Each person occasionally makes a bad decision. It happens. And people who are codependent need to learn how to do that. So they learn that an argument doesn't mean the person's walking away. It doesn't mean they hate you. It means you had an argument over something. And healthy relationships sometimes result in conflict. How you handle the conflict is also important. They need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good. Again, wanting that approval. I'll say whatever I need to say be that chameleon in order to get your approval. They're unable to identify or ask for what they want and need. Mindfulness activities are really awesome for people who are codependent because we need to start having them check in with themselves and separate not what your kids need right now. Not what does the addict need right now. What do you need? In order to feel happy, healthy, and fulfilled. And they have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries. So once we identify what you need in order to feel happy, healthy, and fulfilled, how can we set priorities and boundaries where you can say, you know what, no. This is, for example, today is Saturday and this is my family time so I am not going to come bail you out of jail for the 14th time today. And help them learn how to put themselves and what's important in their lives first. Both use blame and shame to control and adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. And it depends on the person.  Come back. Think about a car salesman. They will pursue you aggressively if you're indifferent. If some people react more to helplessness so if the person acts helpless then other people will come to their rescue. Other times, it behooves them to be more authoritarian so they behave that way. People with addictions and codependency issues are amazing at reading other people and pushing their buttons. They are really good at manipulation, which, when harnessed appropriately, can be really helpful in communicating when they're using it to get their own way, not necessarily because it also can keep them sicker. Sometimes they use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others. You know, I'm doing my 90s and 90s, so clearly I'm sober. Okay, I don't know what that means, but okay, sure, it sounds like you're doing something. And they may pretend to agree with others to get what they want. Codependence. I said there were a few exceptions. Codependence tend to believe people are incapable of self-care. So the codependent derives their importance, derives their sense of worth on helping other people. Well, to help other people, they need to have help or they need to need help, which kind of translates to everybody around me is incapable of self-care. So I'm going to make myself indispensable and I'm going to make sure they're okay. They may try to convince others what to think or feel, telling them how they should feel. And remember, when there's dissension, when somebody disagrees with the person with codependency, they tend to get their feelings very, very hurt if it's not right. They offer unsolicited advice and direction, you know, you need to do this. They may become resentful if their help is rejected. So maybe you're moving into your new house with your new husband and your mother-in-law wants to help decorate the house. And you say, you know what, no, you know, you say it nicely, but you reject her help. And she just loses her stuff thing and becomes terribly resentful.  So codependency, since it's sort of a addiction to a relationship, sort of an addiction to interactions, you can see how a person with codependency issues may use a relationship to influence others because they want that love back or attention back. And they often demand that their needs be met by others. And if those needs aren't met, then they go into, they become angry, resentful, depressed or anxious. So interventions, now we're to the fun part. One of the first things we want to do is identify the benefits, well, maybe not first, identify the benefits to the relationship and the benefits and drawbacks to being single. This is going to highlight a bunch of issues for a lot of people. I find that helping them do a decisional balance exercise can really help ferret out some of the reasons that they need to rescue, that they need to be engaged in these kinds of relationships. And it's important, again, to differentiate between helping and codependency. At what point do you cross that line? And it really becomes when it's self-defeating and when it's not helping the person. And like I said, I've seen therapists also and counselors also go down the same road where they start helping too much or establish dependencies because they need to be needed by particular clients. So we want to identify the benefits, let's start with the benefits to the relationship. You're in it, this person will stay with alcoholic for right now because that's your stereotypical codependent image is the enabler and the alcoholic. What's the benefit staying in this relationship? And they may say, well, it's my kid's mom. We've been together since we were in high school. I love her, yadda, yadda, yadda, this whole laundry list of reasons they're staying because they figured out a bunch of reasons they're staying in order to convince themselves and to tell other people. All right, sure. So we've got that list. All valid reasons because they're your reasons, they're valid. Now, let's look at the drawbacks. What are the drawbacks to staying in this relationship? And they generally have a laundry list of these two because they thought about leaving and when things get bad, when they can't control the alcoholic, then they start thinking about all the reasons that this is not working out and they can't do this anymore. Okay, so now we've got those. Those are pre-designed, but then we go over to the other side and this they often haven't thought about. What would be the benefits to being single, to not being in a relationship for a while? I'm not talking about getting in another relationship and rescuing somebody else, but to actually developing a relationship with yourself. What are the benefits to that? And you hear the crickets chirp. A lot of times it takes a little prodding and socratic questioning to help people start figuring out and sometimes I'll leave this quadrant relatively sparse and then we'll add to it as we go through counseling as they realize, you know, okay, yeah, you know, one of the benefits of being single is I might actually start to get to explore some hobbies that I've wanted to. All right, let's put that there. And then the drawbacks to being single and they may have thought about this before. What are the drawbacks to leaving this relationship and list all that? And some of it could be financial. A lot of it's emotional. Let's just start looking at those things and evaluate it. And we help them get objective information such as if they say that they're staying in that relationship because that's the kid's mother and the kids need their mother. Well, yeah, the kids need their mother. That's true. You know, we need our parents. That's kind of why God put them on this earth. However, is this relationship dynamic and this family system the best situation for right now? Not necessarily advocating for divorce or complete separation, but it may be one of those things where the codependent has to step back and say, what's best for my kids at this point? Is this really the best for them? So have them investigate. Have them learn about the effects of codependent relationships and alcoholism on children and have them make their own decisions about how they can improve the situation at least for their kids or improve the situation for themselves so they can do better at work so they're not exhausted all the time. We need to remember that codependency like other addictions is often used to escape, distract or avoid pain. Oftentimes it's emotional pain when we're talking about this because it doesn't do much for physical pain, but codependency, if I am focused on helping the alcoholic, if I am focused on controlling the alcoholic, if I am focused on every breath the alcoholic takes, then I don't have time to think about how disappointed I am or how unfulfilled I am or how lonely I am or how any of that stuff. I can't think about me because I'm thinking about this over here. When I go to the doctor, I'm a big old sissy about getting shots and I just got my flu shot this year and that's unpleasant. But instead of focusing on the needle going into my arm, I distracted myself in order to avoid feeling the pain. When bad things happen, I experience them or whatever, but then at a certain point I need to distract myself from those things if they're not going to get better, like after there's a death. It's like, okay, got to grieve, but I've also got to start moving on. With codependency, they use that relationship to focus outside themselves. The problem is they never check back in. Most of us, when we're dealing with pain of some sort, grief, we distract ourselves for a little bit to give us a break and then we come back, we deal with it and then we distract ourselves. The person with codependency is just always out here. They have no idea what's going on or festering inside. So encourage clients to begin self-esteem work. A lot of their pain often comes from self-esteem, abandonment issues, lack of healthy attachments in childhood. Depending on your therapeutic approach, you can argue different things, but we want them to start developing self-esteem so they're not needing external validation and they start feeling like they deserve to be treated a certain way and they deserve more from life and they deserve to be happy. This will start laying the groundwork and then we start encouraging them again to use that mindfulness to identify how they're feeling. If they're feeling depressed or hurt or lonely, they may not have the words to put to that. We may have to help them find that emotional vocabulary. Art therapy can be really good if clients aren't used to identifying their feelings or their reactions. Art therapy. One of my clients had a really hard time and he was just like, I'm not artistic. I'm like, well, neither am I. I do really good for stick figures. But we took a box of crayons and I poured them into a big bowl and I said, what color do you feel today? He would draw out a color like yellow, for example, and I'm like, okay, yellow, what does that mean? I said to me, yellow represents bright and cheerful and spring and he'd be like, yeah, I feel pretty good today. I feel pretty energetic and then sometimes he would pick out brown or whatever and we would talk about what that color represented to him and it wasn't necessarily all about feeling words and it was a little less warm and fuzzy, if you will, because he wasn't real comfortable talking about feelings but we could talk about what the color represented. Cheerfulness, contentment, sadness, feeling like you're drowning, whatever. There were a lot of different phrases that came out of that and gradually he began to start to be able to identify those feelings, put words to it and then we could start working it, okay, you're feeling abandoned or out of control right now. Instead of trying to distract from it, what can we do to deal with it? So screening questions. And these are things that we can ask clients. You don't have to do them all in one setting unless the client, especially if the client starts indicating that they're either living with or grew up in a family where there was someone with an addiction, then we may want to go through these more in depth. If that stuff doesn't really come up, then you may just listen for these or periodically ask one or two of these, throw them in there to see if codependency may be an issue as you're, you know, getting to know the person. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? Sometimes codependence will bite their tongue. They just, they don't want to make waves.  My grandfather was like six foot three big guy and he got to be kind of cranky when he would drink. And most of the time she would just put her around and she wouldn't get the kids to be quiet and they would kind of walk on eggshells and but she would keep everything together. And I was in third grade, you know, so the kids were, her kids were grown, my parents and there was one day that he came home and he was drunk and he was just in an awful mood and she looked at him and I have to add she is just the epitome of the Catholic woman.  He comes home, he's in a mood.  And she flips him the bird and he just kind of stands there in shock for a second as did the rest of us. And she went back to cooking and about 30 seconds later she turned around and said, you know what? On second thought, take a whole handful and walked into the bedroom and we were all just like, grandma just got some attitude. Not saying that that's the way to do it but she had kept quiet for so long and then she finally was like, you know what? I deserve better than this.  She started standing up for herself and was, I mean, she was good about it. We want to ask clients though, do you avoid talking about your feelings? If you get your feelings hurt by a friend, do you just not say anything? Because I don't want to make waves and you know, maybe if I say something they'll get mad at me and they won't want to be my friend anymore. Or you know, when something happens do you address it, get it out in the open and move on. If they keep quiet to avoid arguments then assertiveness, skills can be very helpful and we can help them see how shoving that stuff down, you know, constantly not stating their needs and their wants can lead them to feel resentful and helpless and hopeless. So we can help them see why assertive communication would be good and provide them those skills if they think that's useful. Obviously, we want the client to start taking the role and people who are codependent are not going to make waves. A lot of times they're not going to question what we say. If we said, you know, stand on one leg and cluck like a chicken, I hope you would never do that because that would be a ethical violation in so many different ways. But if we did, they may not argue because they'd be like, well, I was told to do it and I don't want to make arguments, I don't want to make waves. And they also may modify how much they tell us in order to give the best picture because they don't want to be rejected. So we've got to kind of bear that in mind and make sure that we are validating of how they feel and of their reactions, if necessary. Are you always worried about others' opinions of you? Why? What does it matter if Sally that lives three doors down from you can't stand you? And talk about it. You know, try to fair it out why other people's opinions are so important. Could be that's the way they grew up. Their parents always taught them to be concerned about what everybody else thought of them. So we want to start looking at where are these cognitions, these beliefs coming from that are saying that we need to care deeply and desperately about everybody else's opinions. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? You know, what was that like? Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? Obviously, these are screening questions that could lead to a domestic violence screening or something like that, but just asking them because it's not uncommon for people who are domestically violent or people who have an alcohol or drug problem to be in relationships with people who are codependent. Are the opinions of others more important than your own? You know, sometimes people may say certain people's opinions are.  Was usually pretty good. I usually, I did my own thing anyway, but his opinion mattered a lot to me and a lot more than other people's opinions. But ultimately, I was the one living my life. So, you know, my opinion really mattered and it's important to have our clients really figure out whose opinion matters in terms of how I live my life. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home? If you're trying to control everything and you're holding on, then when things start to change, it can throw you for a loop. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends, fear of abandonment? So, we want to start working on those issues and why is it that you don't want to share with your friends or with your person with their friends. And a lot of times it comes down to, number one, they owe me because I've taken care of them through all of this. And number two, I'm afraid if they start spending time with those people that they're going to replace me.  Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others? And have you ever felt inadequate? I think most of us have felt inadequate at one time or another. So, none of these are necessarily screen in or screen out questions. It's just giving us a better picture of what may be going on. Do you feel like a bad person when you make a mistake? So, this leans more towards assessing self-esteem and global internal attributions. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts? Self-esteem, feeling worthy? If they do, we want to look at why and help them address that.  They couldn't control because that shows that they couldn't control absolutely everything in their life. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts? Do you frequently wish someone could help you when something's done? So, they take on this. They're trying to rescue everybody. Then they start getting resentful when people won't do what they want them to do. And they start feeling overwhelmed because they've got too much to do. So, you can see how the martyr aspect can come out. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss? Are you confused about who you are or where you're going with your life? Do you have trouble saying no because they're taking on the opinions and ideas of everybody else and they're so-and-so's spouse or so-and-so's parent? Do you have trouble saying no when asked for help? Trouble asking for help? This comes straight out of the dialectical behavior therapy manual on helping people ask for things and get yes and say no. So, teaching healthy boundaries. Do you have so many things to do at once that you can't do justice to any of them? And this is a question that I find is really powerful for a lot of clients because it makes them stop back and step back and think and go, you know what, you're right. You know, I want to be everything to everybody and right now I'm no good to anybody because I'm just doing so much and then you see, then we can say, okay, so let's make a list, let's prioritize, let's figure out what direction you want to go. So, the coda promises. I will know a new sense of and coda is codependency anonymous and even if someone is not completely bought into the 12 steps, recovery from codependency does offer some liberation. So, you can, you know, look at how you may want to use these but I will know a new sense of belonging, the feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear because they'll become friends with themselves and hopefully they will become friends with their healthy social supports and maybe a higher power. When I work with clients with in 12 step programs or places where we use 12 step programs, not everybody buys into the higher power. So, one way we talk about it is God as good orderly direction. So, if you think of acceptance and commitment therapy looking at those people, places, things and experiences that are important to help you live a rich and meaningful life. That is your destination. Good orderly direction makes sure that everything that you do is moving you toward that rich and meaningful life and not taking detours or worse yet making you turns. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity. So, learning how to deal with anxiety, learning how to deal with fear, learning how to identify what is worth being afraid of by addressing cognitive distortions and then figuring out what your values are. You can't live with integrity unless you know what your values are. I know a new freedom. I release myself from guilt, worry and regret about my past and present and I am aware enough not to repeat it. So, everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has adversities. Everybody's had life. OK, so there are some things that you don't want to do again.  Regretting just locks up energy in the past. If you learn from it and are able to move on then you're freeing up that energy to move towards the future. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others and I feel genuinely loveable loving and loved. Now, this is way down the road for a lot of our clients, but this is a goal. We want clients to feel like they're generally pretty awesome people. They're not perfect because nobody's perfect, but they are pretty awesome. They're capable of loving others without overwhelming them and they're capable of being loved in a healthy, effective boundary sort of way. I learned to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners. So everybody's opinions matter. Everybody's feelings matter. I'm capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. I need to control and manipulate others. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy. Not everybody's trustworthy. I wish they were. But because of their stuff they cannot be trustworthy. But the person who is codependent needs to learn how to identify dangerous people. And that's generally those people that they feel a compelling need to rescue. But that's not always the case. So we want them to start figuring out what does a healthy, loving relationship look like? What do boundaries look like? What does give and take look like? I learned that it's possible to mend and to become more loving intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful for them. So that assertive communication comes out now instead of blaming, minimizing you know being angry at, lashing out you know being able to state what I need, what my feelings are if they like it great but if they don't like it being able to say alright I respect your opinion. I acknowledge that I'm a unique and precious creation. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth. And this is a huge thing. And there are some awesome self-esteem exercises you can do in group as well as individual. I trust the guidance I receive from my higher power. And again if they don't believe in a higher power we look at guidance I receive from my good orderly direction. And we look at what is your Google Maps telling you. Used to say the trip tick. For those of you who are you know old. When we used to go on trips we would get a trip tick from AAA. And it would be the maps and everything that would get us from one place to the other. Some of you may be going oh I've forgotten that. Now we use Google Maps. So on your directions in Google Maps that's your good orderly direction. It's telling you where to go and they even tell you when there's a traffic jam how to get around it and still keep on your best route to your destination. I gradually experience serenity, strength and spiritual growth in my daily life. You can spend an entire session just talking about what these things are. What would it look like if you felt serene? Are there other words? What other words are synonyms for serene? Because serene is not a word we use a lot. We say it in the serenity prayer grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. But if you don't know what serenity is then you're kind of out. So we talk about what serenity means in general and what it looks like for each person. We talk about experiencing strength in their daily life. Focusing on the strengths, focusing on their successes and spiritual growth. Spirituality looks different for every person. But we talk about it in terms of connectedness. What you do impacts everybody else and what everybody else does unfortunately probably impacts you. If you walk past someone who is who looks desperately depressed on the street that may tug at your heart strings.  I know it does on me. So we talk about what spiritual growth means. What does it mean to create an environment that nurtures love? So co-dependence generally get in relationships with addicts or others who need to be rescued. That's kind of a clue right there talking about every relationship they've had and the hiccups that have been in it and you hear that they're in this rescue dynamic being alert to what's the function of that relationship. Is it really about love among equal partners? Or is it about desperately needing somebody to prove your worth? Co-dependence does not feel worthy or lovable. They need someone else to validate them. Recovery involves developing a sense of self-worth, addressing depression and anxiety, and learning about and creating a network of healthy relationships. If you enjoy this podcast, please like and subscribe either in your podcast player or on YouTube. You can attend and participate in our live webinars with Dr. Snipes by subscribing at allceus.com slash counselor toolbox. This episode has been brought to you in part by allceus.com providing 24-7 multimedia continuing education and pre-certification training to counselors, therapists, and nurses since 2006.


What is going on guys? Welcome back to the channel and I do appreciate you being here today. I bring you another destiny to community highlights video That guys if you have any amazing clips You'd like to share with the world send them into the email address linked at the top of the video description If you guys do enjoy the video leaving a like really does help out but guys Thanks as always for stopping by hopefully you enjoyed the video and hopefully I will see you on that next one The way up once we get there. I'm strapping in and about to take off. I'll be there ASAP Sir fly fast Yes, sir captured you have zone advanced together as one I love it Keep this up and the battle is your Fantastic work. See captain. You're dominating the field. Don't let up. Don't see lost This is what the taking Styles at the trees.  Yes small blocker. You're close feel the bank take out those guys Someone finish the mission Okay, see Raga Raga I'll drop out an archie artist I'm fuga