o is I'll go out and buy a purebred dog, but I'll let it go and then I go rescue it at the shelter Yeah, is there any hope there or is that just too mean people won't laugh at jokes about No, I think I think maybe if you brought two purebred dogs Breed them and then let them go and rescue them. I don't know why that is that twice as funny or just twice as long You know, I've talked to Barry Crimmons about this, but but he's so Emotional about dogs. Yeah I don't know why we focus less on rescuing Dogs and more and rescuing people well dogs Remind us how to be a perfect person We need dogs to remind us Of how to behave Do you have a dog? I had Well, I got you know, I've been thrown out of my house. I'm divorced But at one time we had about eight We had four dogs and three cats then sometimes it was four cats three dogs at any given time There were about seven to eight animals in our house Right and and believe it or not We're not animal people We have a 15 year old poodle named bongo And my wife is allergic to the dog a poodle. She's allergic to a poodle Yeah, she's allergic to cats and dogs and there is no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog. It's a myth When she said she's allergic to cats She was taught hang on. Let me get to the punchline here. Let me just take a sip of water here You can need something stronger than water to get to the punchline dude We're talking with jonathan cats and i'm about to uh do a joke about his wife being allergic to cats Uh, but let me take a sip of water. So I do the joke properly my audience cannot even predict where i'm going to go with this Hang on When your wife said she was allergic to cats She was talking about you Dr. Cats jonathan cat. I used to do this You know when i'm a senior writer on a writing staff And they're younger writers who for some reason are afraid of me out of respect and stupidity And it's ridiculous to have any respect for me. I will when the most When the most obvious joke is In the room and it's just there I'll I'll stand up and go I got it I got it And then I'll hang on. I need a sip of water and I'll drag it out for a minute. I got the joke And then I'll do the joke that everybody has already gotten to and won't do at a pride and That's why nobody likes me. So poodles are hyper allergenic Yeah, my wife is allergic and and I came home with this dog 15 years ago for my daughter who is 10 at the time she's not 25 Wait, how did that happen in 15 years? But she was in dog years or human years She's 25. Yeah, but I mean i'm just telling you facts, which is so far from comedy I want to talk more about these festivals but tell me about tell me about bongo. So bongo's 15 15 he's been neutered twice That was my fault. I didn't realize I could do it in one procedure But you know, he's a very sweet creature he I love him my daughter loves him But my wife is allergic. She takes a lot of medication to live this with this dog And that's one of the reasons we're moving to philadelphia without he's here. I shouldn't say A certain b o n g o is not coming with us. Oh Yeah, that's My ex-wife took a lot of medication to live with me What kind like antidepressants? Cialis and viagra was always in her I always noticed it was by whenever I came home off the road There would be cialis and viagra On the the nightstand Did your wife have erectile dysfunction? She just said women it's it's a moot elevator and they're and condoms and Old spice I had the country's first therapy based theme park Yeah, I'll tell you some of the things I had that we had the emotional roller coaster We we had mood swings for the kids That's what reminded me and um, you could ride through the tunnel of south lowland But That's great. No, that's great. Is it still open? No, no open only for about one year after after dr. Katz was I can't even use the word was um After I agreed with comedy central to stop making the show Oh Yeah People still walk up to me People still say hey, I I saw you on dr. Katz Wow Yeah, that's you know, that's dom's experience and even in places like ireland People know know him from dr. Katz almost more than anything So you were doing live shows in At sketch fest in in san francisco. Yeah You know the show begins with me doing 10 minutes of stand-up Which is my favorite part oddly enough Because I'm in control and then I walk over to my to the set of my office And laura announces my first patient Laura silverman Yeah, just her in san francisco and mostly it's we just used her voice, but l.a. She was actually there But she she danced in san francisco The guy who really surprised me was tom papa Who had never met before and he comes out in character And that hasn't happened since we did the show in aspen colorado and larry miller did that Hmm And he was so good And funny and his whole thing is about how difficult it is to be a person So it fit into the therapy part really well And then also, uh natasha legerro. Do you know? Oh, yeah Also very funny and really and her husband mocha kosher. I love them. I love them. They're a golden golden couple. They really yeah I love mocha Would you ever consider marrying somebody in the comedy business? No No, that's the only thing I don't get about them as well What that must be like Because they have self-esteem. They know they're funny. They're not threatened They're supportive of each other. They enjoy each other's company I could not handle the insecurity of another comic Maybe now maybe now that i'm divorced. Maybe I don't know I just Also, yeah And scott arkham and who is the guy who really Scared me the most because he looks like such an incredibly earnest guy and I And talks very earnestly about podcasting, but she was wonderful. He's really right on the money Very funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Have you ever had comedians who started talking to you and got so relaxed? They revealed something and felt uncomfortable Well, I think it happened I invited natasha and mocha to come back and do some couple counseling And I think I think I actually helped them deal with the issue whether or not They should have kids. I really I really felt like we had an actual breakthrough What did they decide? I know they were thinking mocha told me was thinking of adopting a syrian refugee And and natasha wants to adopt a highway And But whatever breakthrough they were about to have it was interrupted by the music Oh, yeah, that happens because it's a talk show Well, it's dr. Cads. Yeah, we're all out of time. Yeah Did you ever do this joke because I thought of this? I figured this is like a doctor cat I I thought I adopted a highway But I wanted to find out who its real father was No, I never did the joke and I and I because I have an adopted daughter I can only do one adopted joke, which is a runny shakes joke Which is a I asked my parents if I was adopted and they said yes, but they returned you Oh, and I do another joke about my wife You know, we're expecting the second kid and my wife had the had the ultrasound, which is not really necessary when you're adopted Yeah So your daughter's adopted Right and we have one biological daughter julia and our younger daughter is adopted and all the daughter has two kids of her own Wow, I have a friend. I'm not going to tell you who it is, but you know him and He does this thing. He's I'll tell you It's a violation, but he's incredibly funny And he has an adopted grand son And let's give me a name. I just I'm gonna say David till No, no, no, no. I want to call him make up a name for grandson Eric Eric So I'll say what are you doing this weekend? Oh, my grandchildren are coming over John Andrew Barry My adopted grandson Eric So he's just always whenever he mentions Eric. He always says my adopted grandson Eric whenever he talks It sounds so much like David Till. Yeah, I don't think Dave Yeah, I don't think he has kids No Hey, you know who was performing right near me last night and I didn't go with scott blakeman I love scott blake.  He represents the jewish people Very well, you know, he's working very hard For for a two-state solution as am I I think america needs a two-state solution Just california and new york and the rest of the country can go f itself, but Yes, scott blakeman great guy very sweet guy. Yeah, and a very Natty dresser Yes He's a clothes horse Clothes horse. Yeah, you know, I'm still working on this book with mammoth About the home for troubled animals The what the home for troubled animals. No, I don't know this. Oh, yeah, it's a book of puns and illustrations by him And also with my joke about a goose with down syndrome From from there we went to a nervous tick Wow An amoeba with separation anxiety And an over-the-counter drug mule, you know, and these are And these are, you know all illustrated by david and they're wonderful When are you going to do when is this going to be published? Well, we've been writing it for more than 10 years and I think We're about to switch agents. Oh, maybe I shouldn't say that publicly I think we're trying very hard to get it published It's not that easy to get it for him to get anything published. It's not a play Yeah David mammoth Yeah, and I've only had one book published which is a which is the to-do list of the dead Do you have a did I ever send you a copy of that book? No, put it on your to-do list. Yeah. Oh That's a good idea. Um I met david mammoth when I was opening for you At catcherizing star in cambridge at at harvard, right you were writing screenplays with him at the time I believe it was house of cards or house of lies house of games house of games That you wrote and it's one of my wife ex-wife's favorite movies Just a great movie and so I get off stage and I go into the dressing room when I look up and there's shell silverstein and david mammoth Who are hanging out with you and they wrote the movie things changed together I clutched my heart and I apologized for my act I said to them This is in the late 80s and george herbert walker bush was president Right, and I remember saying to them. Oh, I'm so sorry. I it was second show friday night And I did that joke about barb. I said Barbara the first lady Barbara bush I've got her in the car, but I cracked a window the joke was she's a dog She's got and then I said she's got bigger bags underneath her eyes Then I've got Underneath my scrotum something like that are my testicles just a bad joke that Used to get laughs. I was so ashamed and and david Man that grabbed me by the arm. He said never apologize. No joke can be mean enough And then I looked up at you and your jokes aren't mean and your best friends with him so Well, no, he makes He's made some incredibly mean spirited jokes over the years, but he's funnier than I am much funnier Nobody's funnier than jonathan cats. Nobody.  I'm so jealous of dr. Cats People love him You know, it's crazy now. Were you I'm sure you get asked this all the time Were you involved with the richard speck murders? No, um, I'm sure I'm sure you get asked this all the time therapy Does it work at real therapy? Do you recommend because I have been an analyst not analysis, but I've been seeing a shrink Since I was 18 the minute I left home. I and I non-stop I can't go a week without checking in with my my shrink I'm a believer in therapy. I I see my my therapist on a need-to-know basis And she she she needs to know Tuesdays at 2 30 No, I I'm on I'm on hiatus now for my therapist, but but I have made I really would have been lost with other therapists when I was when I was diagnosed with ms She specializes in people with ms and right if she really helped me through some very difficult times Yeah And There are therapists who are not that good. I've never had a female therapist I I had a female I have a female therapist and a female internist who's about six feet tall and she dresses in black leather Hmm and she's and she's very attractive. I'm lowering my voice because my wife is upstairs You know she Being examined by her is kind of exciting, you know, I'm always it's titillating as what it is. Yeah That's one of the things about my act that people didn't like is that I Didn't talk of them. I was not who they had in mind in the early days of comedy for me What do you mean they you you weren't titillating enough for them? I would show up at a at a one-nighter in the in the Boston area and I would feel like I was wearing a tutu performing for pirates They hated me Yeah, well, I mean, but The the the good comedians don't do well in in those settings. They're right.  You pick up bad habits working Bars and catering to the lowest common denominator You know, you know who saved me from taking the wrong root in comedy Was a guy named Jack Rollins a late Jack Rollins. Yeah Who managed Woody Allen Robin Williams David Letterman He invited me to his office after seeing me do a set at Caroline's and he said to me Jonathan what you need is a manager So my heart starts racing and the next thing he says is but who's going to manage you? Yeah What he was saying is that I what he'd explain to me is that I'm doing an act that would succeed in the 60s And this is then this was in the 90s And it's a little too gentle for the audience And he also told there were two jokes I used to make which he talked me out of doing And one is about um I went to a lesbian bar one night mistaken and there were women writing the mechanical bulldike I could see why he talked you out of it. Yeah, do you agree with him for not doing that joke? Oh, yeah, that was a really it wasn't that funny and it was and it was hurtful Yeah To the bull Yeah, who would want to be associated with an animal cruelty I don't like to be a dead bull What was the second joke the second one was about having homosexual panic Which was if I if I went to radio check to buy something and the guy said, let me put a roper in your unit That's a better joke, but it's also not You know, I mean the whole world of homophobia is not Really a good subject for comedy. It's a good check subject for therapy when we were starting out I was told I I never met Jack Rollins, but there were I Was up in their offices and they had people like Jake Johansson people who Very elegant letterman comics and what was instilled in me in the 80s was Work smart Don't play to the back of the room But don't play to the crowd Play to your highest angel and Larry Miller Who many would say Was one of the Maybe one of the best most reputable stand-up comics of the 80s and the 90s just in terms of volume of work how clean he was and Right, is that a fair statement that Larry Miller was So he was a really he was he did this incredible slow-burning comedy and it was wonderful really wonderful And and there was an there's integrity to his act. He doesn't take the easy route In san francisco if you wanted stage time, there was a purity test. You could not be a hack You could not get stage time if you were Unoriginal and larry miller. I was hoping for larry miller. I never forgot this. This was in the 80s He said to me. Oh, you're really funny.  You'll get the laugh But then it's hard to follow it then it's hard to go back and do the stuff you really want to do So I don't know I've I've done that because of because of the This enormous fear of being on stage and not succeeding. I was performing at club called stitches in boston nothing was working and I just needed to close the laugh. So I said I was with my grandfather when he died His dying words were blow me And the the audience loved it. But when I went when I went to the What pass of the green room brian kiley and junebra The scowling jenine Yeah, oh wow this oh wow. I thought of a tag for that joke Okay Now every time I blow a guy I think of my grandfather Oh, I have a joke like that. But thank you. Now. Let me tell you my joke was about I finally quit smoking I saw a hypnotist and now every time I'm about to light up a cigarette. I just blow a hypnotist And And ricky jay is not a hypnotist But it did bump into him in san francisco for 10 minutes, which was great He's somebody I know through passive games and other mammoth movies one of the great great magicians So funny. He's somebody I would love to meet. There's a new I think it was on american masters. They did a Pet an hour and a half documentary about him, which I really recommend Brilliant brilliant student of of magic. Did you ever get interested in magic? No, but I always think that comedy is like magic without the tricks And And the same could be said about magic is like comedy without the jokes I mean the comedy like the kind of comedy you and I do is like sleight of hand Or misdirection. Yeah, they're not so different I I worked as a mind reader for three years in new york, and then I stopped because It's just so hard to tell what people are thinking I never was maybe as a kid it was into magic me too Yeah, woody allen steve martin johnny carson We're all as kids. We're all into magic. There's no question that No, we're tricksters. I was I was very much into into magic as a kid I remember thinking well, this is something that you have to spend 10 hours a day Working on and I thought this is I don't see Why this would be? But I like close-up magic and ricky jay the best the best have you ever spent an evening with him? Yeah, I have and he also when I when we were doing things changed together He taught me how to juggle which I forgot immediately after later that day but Juggling is so easy if you practice it and if you understand the basic concept The way juggling works is I can juggle you have to be able to juggle two balls in one hand Right, which I learned from my uncle That's funny. I don't know why that cracks. What was his name? to noose I would say uncle to noose is coming. Is that a danny thomas reference? Well uncle to noose From fractured fairy tales. What was his name the guy played uncle to noose On the danny thomas show. Yeah, that was his name. Yeah uncle to noose. I don't know who the actor was Oh, he was great. He used to be on Sherman and Peabody and fractured If he was a narrator on fractured fairy tales, do you know that I used to think that Oh, I have to do this. I have to do this. Okay. Okay. I made a vow anytime somebody does a danny thomas joke Or a you know coffee table joke. I plug st. Jude's because Are you there? Yeah St. Jude's was one of robin's charities and They take everybody So if you have an extra five dollars go to their website and give money to the st. Jude's hospital It's it's the real deal. It's it's been vetted by people who don't lend their name to Fake organizations. I decided because I've done several shows Over the years That were dedicated to danny thomas and coffee tables.  You know who got me into st. Jude's was gail berman From rosanne No, gail berman uh married to bill masters for masters and johnson. They were a great team Nobody gets that No, but do you know what?   That's as much as you possibly they do not turn down any children I promise you that it's been vetted by people. I truly respect go ahead Okay, can you hold on good go do that now? No, no, I want to hear what a danny thomas is No, I can't I can't tell you that I really have to tell you when we're not talking when we're talking more privately But david, do you know any good comedians in the philadelphia area? Damarera well except he lives in la Oh, uh, bill cosby's gonna be spending a lot of time in philadelphia again. I think and what about do you know either Any of the actors on broad city? No, but I worship them Yeah, aren't they amazing? They are and I think they live in that part of the world So you're moving to philadelphia Yeah, but i'm also doing a show for my daughter's organization in may I'm trying to find somebody to commit to that date. What's the organization? It's called himlers. Yes efficiency. Yeah job one art well Art well Art well, they use art to teach kids and this is a new term I've learned Kids who are Shit, it's not I just wrote it down the other day. My wife is training me in describing this organization. They help kids Shit, I feel like I'm reading the script every time I talk about this Yeah, that's more important than helping kids. It's that's so bad. Yeah This is the term I was looking for underserved kids Oh, like a chunky cheese. Yeah, you have to go get your own pizza. They don't have waiters there. It's terrible I my children. I didn't know they actually had a charity for kids who Just can't sit and have the coke and birthday cake brought to them. I am a horrible comedian Everybody's sitting along with me So it's art well, it's helping underserved kids and and using art and Kids who who might fall victim to violence or drugs in a city like philadelphia We're doing a fundraiser for them on may 6 and I've been trying to get A name that I can use to attract an audience Sometimes I forget that I am a name Yeah But I'm I'm I reached out to and I hate the expression reached out and you used to say I called But now we reach out to um rachel dratch I love rachel dratch debbie downer Yeah And also to um, wow Well janine was the first person I asked and she's going to be in portland, or a gun that day I just asked janine to do this show Oh, I'm sure she did she say yes. I hope yeah, but I wanted to do it This week because Anyway, go ahead. You know, I don't think she owns a computer janine. Okay I mean just in terms of Skype and I knew or I guess she could do that on her phone. What about saggot?  Don't do it. Okay.  I'm not gonna do it. Uh, so Philadelphia Do you know Joe DeRosa? I know the name. Yeah I don't know if he still lives there. He seems like a pretty funny guy Yeah Philadelphia we were there for the convention. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that and I fell in love with that city Yeah, it's a really unusual place. Where did you stay when you were there? Well, you couldn't get a hotel downtown. We were out in the sub we're about we had to stay about It was like a 40 minute drive To get down there for the convention You know, we shot it was with the triumph series and we shot around Philadelphia It's just beautiful and historic and the people are nice. It's kind of changed. I remember playing there in the Oh the laugh factory or one of the clubs in the 90s and You know, everybody looked like nicky scarfo And I just felt I was going to get cold cocked and punched but Maybe I was just, you know, putting that out there So you were in Los Angeles. You remember the incredible weed Yeah, the who yeah, who was that? He was like an amazing prop act Really funny and he made me feel good because he brought more stuff to a gig than I did I had to get there so early to set up and check my make sure the sound was working But you just brought a guitar and and a beautiful White pressed shirt that the first time I saw you you had this beautiful white cotton shirt Really, yeah, jeez That's what I remember. I wonder if you're thinking of my lens suit No, you wore a white shirt. I remember that and a white hood. It was more like a A gown and a cross. No Well, let's plug some gigs Shall we? I've signed a non disclosure agreement I'm serious. I have a very exciting project that you're going to be able to hear but not see coming up very soon Being produced by audible.com Oh, okay This sounds exciting, but I can't tell you what it is. Can I turn non disclosure and how can people reach you? I think you'll read about it online This was so effortless. Yeah, I wish it was I'm sorry. We didn't do more jokes Oh, believe me. We did plenty of there.  This was very good And I have said so many truly reprehensible things in the name of comedy Here are some of my favorites Okay, no, that's that's just how I open shows lately What is the worst Show you would say the answer of course is this but the worst stand-up show that you ever did where you Got off stage and you said I'm I quit. This is I don't want to be a comedian anymore. It was in Danvers, Connecticut at a bar When I arrived there, it said deal young knight Oh, that's me calling you. Yeah, is it worth it to answer it might be funny. Yeah, answer it Hello. Hi, jonathan. It's me. It's davin. How you doing? How's my show going? Oh, is it really you no No, no, I answered on this speaker, but nobody's there. Nobody's there. No. Well, that's me. I'm a nobody Don't talk like that. Oh, it's the art of self defecation Do you know the poem? I'm nobody. Who are you? No Oh, it's one of the three poems. I know by heart, but I'm not going to do poetry for you I refuse don't show up at this club. It says on the door And the first time I'm been paid to go anywhere It says Neil young knight I get in there. I set up my my pa. I traveled with a pa I do my soundtrack and then in walk a softball team that has just been defeated And they are pissed off and then and I get drunker and drunker and after about Five minutes minutes of them ignoring what I'm doing the owner comes up on stage takes the mic out of my hand Says you have no business being on the stage You should get a job in a factory And I say wait, but I have I have administrator skills That was that was that might have been the worst night And how long did it take before you got back up on stage after that? Well, the next night I worked at the sky top lounge was which was a bowling alley About about 10 miles away and we were sharing the pa with the guy who was calling the games So I would say you ever hear the expression and on lane 33 Um, I I can't stop telling jokes You know, I used to think I was not one of those guys who needs to be on all the time I think I could stop telling jokes Do you I think people who have seen me perform could attest to that could I go vary? I think I might Be Because I've got kids who are very funny Right and they want to do this and I keep saying to them, you know, you there are Funny lawyers. There are funny rabbis. There are funny serial killers. You know, you can do things You could be the funniest salesman at the car lot I think if you're Witty and funny it means you are literate or Smart and interested and the funniest people I know are People who don't do this for a living. Yeah, I feel the same way. Yeah. I mean, there's a desperation One of the things when I was starting out is I remember thinking well stand-up comedy isn't so much about being funny As it is desperation a willingness to show up at a club Sign up for the open mic and wait five hours for stage time and then do it again You know, it's it's not about so much about being funny as it is Do I have a six hour block of time each night to get good at this? Were you doing it at the holy city zoo? Is that what you yeah? I love the holy city zoo. I did not like Waiting six hours to get on stage But it's kind of what like what lauren michaels does When he interviews a cast member you sit in his Waiting room in the lobby. They say lauren will be with you shortly And you're left to wait there pretty much all day And a lot of people I know one person who just got up and left How dare he treat me this way and I'm not defending lauren.  He offered me a spot on that show to join the cast Right of saturday night live and I said any other night Before you go Yeah What is the joke bj note that you told at bj novics bar mitzvah? Old jewish woman. Well first of all you did you performed at bj novics bar mitzvah, correct? What was he doing at the time? What show was he on at the time? With his bar mitzvah He was he was running SNL But he was 13 years old Yeah And they hired you for his bar mitzvah. Who hired you? His dad who's a good friend of mine who Is a ghost writer and wrote books about pretty horrendous people one of whom I met Oliver north But um, he also wrote a book about michael milkin. Yeah, I I met michael milkin. He was actually at a prison. He Yeah But I but the the night that I went over to michael milkin's home for dinner There was a a young man who was having Uh dinner upstairs with bill novex kids and that was michael jackson You're putting me on no i'm serious I I just saw his red shirt or something run off the stairs with the kids and that was it Oh, hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. My mind is racing now How but what's true and what's not that that's not true about michael. That's a true story and I and And they're don't glad you and you brought that up because I tell a lot of stories that are not true and my wife has been calling me on them Like jackie robinson never came to my home for dinner I never played ping-pong at halftime for the harlem globetrotters But what is true is that I was the new york state table tennis champion. That's true that I remember you telling me Yeah, but didn't your Didn't your brother break the color barrier on the uh harlem globetrotters wasn't either first That's a bad joke hang on for one second. We've talked about the table tennis before But but very quickly the thing about michael jackson is a joke, right? No, it's a true story I had no idea he was going to be there because I guess milken Had become friends with him. Was this after he got out of prison? Well, he was in his home In la No, no, he he lived in newton for a while michael milken did yeah michael milken for Drexel bernum he and iven boski they created junk bonds And milken went to prison for selling worthless paper He got out. He contracted prostate cancer. I met him in 94 or 95. He was out of prison He took the two pay off. He was very nice to me He hired me to do a benefit and was very I liked him and he's done some good things I'd have to look them up. I I know he's Donated a lot of money to charity and try to be but he was friendly with milken was friendly with michael jackson Yeah, somehow they got connected and might have been I don't I can't imagine what the connection was So what kids were upstairs with michael jackson? Well bill Novak has three sons bj is the oldest and jesse used to Oh, I get it. So they said to michael jackson. Hey Upstairs bj's upstairs. The joke is hey michael jackson bj's upstairs. Yeah, that's that's a joke John again. Do you like me? That's a kind of joke that larry miller would have discouraged you from doing I'm so desperate for your approval Now you have my approval.   No, I don't know. I'm just guessing as a writer.  Okay Did you write this joke because a friend of mine says every Passover they do this joke So is this a street joker? Did you write it?  I love that joke though. But you didn't write it No, I did write I did write my in-laws are orthodox Jews. They have two satellite dishes Okay, so this is old Jewish woman goes to the doctor He says Mrs. Schwartz is nothing wrong with you.  I said dad. It's a joke. She's Jewish And so the doctor says mr. Schwartz. You just need to have more sex.  He says put me down for two I have told that joke to my mother and her friends I thought I was gonna kill them. They were laughing so hard. Put me down for two. It's just that's a perfect joke Hey, this just it flew by Can I tell you one joker? I saw jan marie tell on stage in the Atlantic city Sure An old a whole make a make this guy Jewish man for the hell of it an old Jewish man goes into an orthopedist office And he's hunched over he's like almost parallel to his body Very bad very badly disfigured comes out about a half hour later Into waiting with people all in the similar condition But this time he's standing upright perfectly straight looking strong and healthy And one of the patients asked what did he give you and then he says a new cane Dr. Katz, yeah, that may not make the final cut, but anyway, I love it. Do you have a website jenith and cats.com Do you have a twitter handle? I think you could it's just jenith and cats. Are you on facebook? No, I I don't use facebook professionally I use it with my family and kelly rogers That's Thank you jonathan. Do you know who that is? Of course when I first he was one of the first people I interviewed I used to be a in in college. I was a cub reporter for the hudson dispatch For two summers. I interviewed Richard belzer I went to catch a rising star And and kelly rogers was one of the comedians I interviewed. Yeah, I saw him recently Oh, really? Yeah, no, like it's so weird that I can't I don't allow people to grow up in my imagination They say the same age. Yeah. All right jonathan. Katz. Dr. Katz. I love you We got to do this more often. Yep, I agree. Okay. Thank you, buddy. Bye. Bye Thanks for listening remember to friend me on facebook follow me on twitter Do all your amazon shopping via the david feldman show website We got a small percentage of everything you make For as little as five dollars a month you can become a monthly subscriber and gain access to all our premium content Do me a favor subscribe to my youtube channel. Give us a good review on iTunes that helps us it really does and spread the word just copy And paste this link however, you're listening to this show forward it to a friend Put it up on facebook put it up on twitter get the word out From the show briz studios in downtown manhattan stay strong


Crime and Peter Chambers, created by Henry Cain, transcribed and starring Dane Clark, a private investigator, duly licensed and duly sworn Peter Chambers.  That's your business. Anything else? That's for laughs. You've got a slant of sun coming in the office window.  Business is lousy, but you've got no kicks. You're young. You're strong. You've got a few bucks in the bank. And it's a beautiful day. Peter Chambers. All of me, lady. Beautiful day, isn't it? Not for you. Not for long anyway. She's a cute little trick, but nervous as a puppy with fleas. She's wearing a tan suit, modes of her figure and properly protruding. The rest isn't perfect tastes.  So she spoils it. She dips into a bag and what she produces doesn't quite go with the ensemble. Because now she's wearing a pearl-handled gun and her right fist. Looks like a 38 and is pointing directly at you.  Stand back. Stand back, I tell you. Honey, you're not even holding the gun right. I know what I'm doing. Keep away from me. You're shaking like you're practicing to be a coach dancer. Relax, little lady. Keep away, please, please. Okay, now. I've got the gun and you're still shaking. Now sit down, lady. What's your name? Elsa Corey. What do you do? Do? For living. A gun maw, you ain't. I'm an actress. Working? Yes. Come on, sister. This is like pulling teeth. Let's have it all in one lump. I have the second lead in the lady dances. It's in rehearsal. It's my first real job. It's produced by Jack Burke. He hired me. Anything else? Where do you live? 10-13 East 39th Street, 2B. Please don't point that gun at me. It's your gun, remember? Okay. I drop it in my jacket pocket like so. See? No more gun. Now, what's this jiggle all about? Jiggle? Look, it's a beautiful day. I'm sitting around with my feet on the desk, screaming my own personal little dream, so a dame drops in, wriggling around a Roscoe, and the Roscoe is blinking its eye at me, so I got a right to ask. What's it all about? Well, I... I can't... Oh, that's coherent. Now, let's do it incoherent this time. I...  Why? I was sent. By whom? Bruce Burke. Bruce Burke, huh? Well, it's all in the family. Jack Burke, Bruce Burke, two lonely brothers. Well, I never met your producer, but Bruce. Brucey Boy, I know. I'm sorry. I'm genuinely sorry. Believe me, I don't think I could have... I couldn't. I know I could have... All right, Elsa. Elsa, Corey, Simondown. Just make yourself at home. I'll be back. Where... where are you going? To pay a call on Brucey Boy. Maybe he can fill me in where you can't. I don't go away, baby. Pop will be back. Bruce Burke. A crumb right out of a bread box. A bum with a couple of million bucks. A sharp shooter that owns a nightclub called The Flame. You put the light out on The Flame about a year ago, hooked him for watering his stock. So, it's a beautiful day, only for you. Suddenly, it's beginning to shape up cloudy. You get to his park avenue address, stick your thing around the buzzer, and nobody's home. When you've been there before, a 12-room suite for Brucey and his misses, plus she's got an apartment on the side. And just for kicks, you try the knob, and very conveniently, the door's not locked.  Bruce Burke is napping, face down. Only when you go to turn him over, Brucey Boy's napping days are finished. The guy stiff as a bugle, two bullet holes in his face, and his rigid leers like a spiteful grin. And suddenly you feel it. Call it extra sensory perception. You know you've been yanked into a deal that you ought to get out of, fast. You do a B-line for the door, you pull it open, and you're face-to-face with Detective Lieutenant Louis Parker, New York City police, homicide. Hi, Pete. Fancy as they say, meaning you here. Same fancy goes for me. What brings you? Jingle on the phone, what they call anonymous. Oh, I see. Come in. Thanks for the welcome, Shamas. Hey, what have we got here? Corpse. Body used to belong to Bruce Burke. Plus. Plus what, kid? Plus I've got a hunch, a little frame job with me in the middle. Take a look at this. A little encumbrance I'm carrying in my pocket. I handle it, you notice, by the muzzle. Pearl handle 38 Revolvo. Okay, what scoop? Break it, Lieutenant. I've a vague notion you're going to find two shells discharged. I also have a notion that ballistics will show that the two bullets in this monkey came out of the gun you're holding. Two hunks of lead, Mr. Figures. And my fingerprints on the handle and my fingerprints on the doorknob. And me and Bruce Burke supposed to have the feud going. I hope you got a good story for me, kid. We've been friends a long time. And a little dame wearing gloves. I'll bet mine are the only fingerprints on that Roscoe. Better be a good story, kiddo. Salut, Lieutenant. Lendoneer. You tell him the tale and he listens. Oh, he's an old friend. You've worked together for years. He promises a thorough check on the situation and you promise to be down to see him to check the check. You leave him the pearl-handled pistol and you leg it to the next spot that might furnish a little information. The Lady Dancers is rehearsing at the Asker on 48th Off-Broadway. Backstage, there's one solitary guy working a song on a piano. Well, what do you want, pub? Looking for Jack Burke. I'm Jack Burke. Stands there from the piano, a very fashionable type. White hair, slender figure. $200 suit. Well, what is it, young man? What do you want here? I thought there was a rehearsal going on. It's off for a while. Oh, may I ask you? No, you may not ask. What do you want here? Oh, name's Peter Chambers. I'm a private detective. I'd like to inquire about a young lady. And this is Elsa Corey. I'm not messing into the affairs of every private chummas that comes barging backstage for some cockeyed reason of his own. Look, Mr. Burke. I haven't got the time. Now, just one little minute, Mr. Burke. Oh, like that, is it?  Willie! A muscle-bound monster comes ambling out of the wings. The guy's six-foot-four and practically as wide as he's long.  And the part of the pig is dangling in a couple of ham-like hands. But you're not worried about Willie. You've got a large ego and a lot of confidence. And you think you can take Willie if you had the time, but right now you don't have the time. So you turn from Willie to get back to Jack Burke. But you've underestimated Willie. Willie's not as amiable as he looks.  And the lights blaze and start whirling. And then there are no more lights. There's blackness. Whirling, spinning, black, blackness.  You're back against the stage door, but it's locked. You've got a bill to collect with a joker named Willie and a larger bill with his boss, Jack Burke. But you can't now. Thoughts juggle in your mind and then you know where you're going. Loretta Burke is the wife of Bruce Burke and she's got a lush little cave of her own on Central Park South. You head for it thinking about her. Loretta Burke, who managed a nightclub called the Flame. You head for a digging and then you're there. Hello, Mr. Chambers. What do I owe the pleasure? A lush blonde, 30 years younger than Bruce. A page boy blonde with shining hair and shining green eyes. And a figure that brings it to a full stop. Loretta Burke and silver lounging pajamas. Always nice to see you, Mr. Chambers. May I offer a drink? You may. I can use it. Here you are, Mr. Chambers. Thank you. Well, you're not yourself today, are you? Don't be in your dreams. Well, for a very recent widow, Mrs. Burke, you're certainly bearing up staunchly. I didn't know that you knew. Well, let's do a reverse on that, sweetie. I didn't know for sure that you knew. Look, tough boy, I don't believe in mourning. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. Well, what do you wear it? Inside, where it belongs. And a gal with a lousy reputation, but in my own peculiar way, I loved him. Maybe you did in your own peculiar way. Well, let's put it this way. Whoever killed him sooner or later is going to face up to me. Now, you got any comment, Mr. Chambers? I don't know. This started off as such a beautiful day, and me sitting around thinking about how business is lousy. Maybe you ought to get out of here and see if you can't stimulate a little. Gentle hint, Mrs. Burke? I've got a lot of things to do. I get it. Well, one question before I leave. You know a little name by name of Elsa Corey? Never heard of her. Bye now. See you around. You bet you will.  You do a small debate with yourself. Corey or Parker, which one first? But you promised the lieutenants or your Mosey police headquarters downtown. You're jogging up the steps when you see him coming out in a hurry. Well, the private eye, or is it the public enemy? You coming to give yourself up? Lieutenant is jocular, but he looks worried, and when a friend looks worried, you'll begin to worry. That was the murder gun, Pete. No question. I'm working it slow, working the angles first because you're involved. But that little Elsa Corey better be around to back up your story. Well, what else is new, Lieutenant? Jack Burke's been scouting for dough for a show. He needs money. Bruce's wife, that doll, always needed dough. Well, they're both falling into it. How? Bruce Burke's will. Jack gets half the estate, Loretta Burke gets the other half, plus the nightclub goes to her. Real cozy, huh? I look pal, you're not one for throwing stones. Not in this case. So far, all I've really got is you. Yeah, yeah. Even a doll or a tenant, a living, breathing doll. Well, don't depend on it, Pete, not for too long. I know you, but there's a DA's beginning to champ at the bit, so let me go to work now, huh? Where you heading for? Date with Jack Burke. Jack Burke? Where? Cast him already, upstairs, private room number four. Look, Louie, one more favor. Give me a 10 in the head start, huh? Head start with whom? Jack Burke. Well, to collect, and it's overdue. 10 minutes, Lieutenant. Ah, please, Louie. Okay, but, uh, I hope you know what you're doing. Oh, I hope so too. The Casa Moretti is in Greenwich Village, and it serves the longest, skinniest, most flavorsom spaghetti west of little town called Rome, which they tell me is Nittaly. Casa Moretti has a downstairs dining room and an upstairs private room where you can run yourself a tether-tether or a banquet on your mood.  What? You again? Now look here! First you clip them because you owe it to him. No! Then you close the door. Then you drag him into the room.  What? What? Live it up, Mr. Burke. Come on, listen to the birdie sing. I'm listening. And you're no birdie. What do you want? A bit of polite conversation, nothing more. Well, what do you want? Johnny, one note, that's me. A little lady by name Elsa Corey. Noa? Yes, she's the second lead in the show we're rehearsing. Noa, any, uh, better than that? She's an actress in my show, period. Have it your way. Corey, to her, she says your brother is sent her to see me. Did you introduce her to your brother? No. You happen to know if your brother was acquainted with her? My brother is dead. I know that. And from what I hear, you, a private eye by the name of Chambers, you hated his guts. I'm supposed to know all about that, too. All right. Is there anything else? No, no, I told you all I wanted was a bit of polite conversation. Well, then get out of here. Say it nice. Would you please leave, Mr. Chambers? Oh, a pleasure, Mr. Burke. A pleasure indeed. There's one stop left. You've done the merry-go-round. You've gone the full circle. Elsa Corey said 10, 13, East 39th Street. Turns out to be a tinderbox. Ram Shackles, an ancient barn on a prairie. Young actresses don't have it too easy, and that is a problem. You climb up to 2B and you knock on a door that's thinner than Melbourne Toast and has about as much resistance. Nobody answers. You turn and leave, and all of a sudden, a hunch comes up and clobbers you.  You're inside now. A little room with the barris of trimmings.   Elsa Corey. Her face mottled and blue bruises on her throat. Elsa Corey strangled to death. So it's still a beautiful day. Only it's not day anymore. It's night time. You've gone home and you've put in a little afternoon sleeping, but it hasn't helped. You're weighed down deep in a jam and you feel it beginning to close in. How goes it, Pete, boy? Pretty bad. Yeah, bad. Detective Lieutenant Louis Parker, a nice guy and a good friend, but the expression on his face is that of a pole bear with rheumatism doing his job on a rainy day. Ain't good, pal. Stinks, in fact. Elsa Corey, she's dead. Yeah. We've got another one of them phone calls. Anonymous. I can clear that for you. Like how? I made that phone call. You did? Yeah. I busted into her place and I found her. Like what you found when you got there. You know what it means, kid. I got an idea. You had worn little out an alibi witness named Elsa Corey. Now she ain't with us no more. Where does that leave you? Behind the eight ball only keeps getting smaller. Pete, you know how I feel about you, but I want to come downtown with me now, fella, and tussle it out with the DA's people. Well, must we? What's left, kid? Well, I've got a little night duty to attend to. I've been sort of resting up for it. Night duty? Yeah, look, look. Let's make a date, Louis. I either collect a killer for you or I present myself. Present yourself when? Let's say tomorrow morning. Brighten early tomorrow morning. You either get a closed case by then or you've got me. You know, I only work for a living, Pete. I can get kicked off the force. I never crossed you up, Louis, ever. It's been a long time now, you and me. It's, well, it's one for the story of books, a private eye and a public cop who can work together and respect each other. We got a deal. Deal it is. Bye, Lieutenant. Bye, Detective. The Flame is a nightclub on the outskirts of town, and that's your next stop. And the last stop, you figure, one way or another. You get the car out of the garage, you drive up and park in their parking lot. The club is a distance off, and you crunch through gravel on your way. You see a uniformed cop a distance off, but you don't see what's right close near you. Easy does it, mister. Well, if it ain't little Willie. That's me, pal. Willie's loaded with artillery and is jammed to your ribs. Back up to that shed, mister. Double time, we do it. But you're not having any. You're not turning your back on Willie. You did that once and once enough. So the left comes down on the gun, and the right goes to the chin. And down goes Willie with me on top of him. The gun gets kicked out of the way, and Willie absorbs a few additional wraps, and then my hands are around his throat. You're choking me. That's the general idea, Willie. Let up, mister. Let up. New position, Willie.   You're quite a little weaker. Talk, Willie. What? What do you want to know? Why did you conch me backstage at the Ascot? I... I got the signal from Jack. You work for him? Yeah. Okay, I think we're in rhythm now. Why did you cloak Bruce Burke? I didn't. Oh, you need a little more pressure on your throat. Is that it? No, I... I had nothing to do with Bruce. Okay. Elsa Corey. Talk it up good now, Willie. Well... Okay... I went there. 39th Street. Jack sent me. I did a job on a leg. Jack told me to do. Willie passes out of the picture.  Then you brush it your clothes, and you make for the nightclub. The joint is jumping and it's temptation, but you haven't got the time. You steer through the joyous people from the door marked Office of the Manager, and you open it without knocking. Well, Peter James, we were just talking about you. Close the door. The other half of that wee is Jack Burke. He's in the tuxedo.   Sit down, Mr. James. Oh, thanks. I'll stand. Jack and I have been chatting about you. In what connection? In connection with the death of my husband. Lady, you're pointing that gun in the wrong direction. What are you talking about? I'm talking about Jack Burke, who dreamed himself up a fool-proof little murder. Only I'm going to take it apart for him right now. This better be good. Listen, this guy isn't a jam with his show. He's looking for money all over town. Do you know whether he has Bruce for a loan? Yes, I know he did, and Bruce turned him down. Bruce had no confidence in the lady dancers. So bright boy figured one out. If he bumps Bruce, he gets half of his estate. Even if he can't get the loot right away, he can borrow on a strength of it, so he kills him. He's a liar! Who knows a little dame, second lead? Elsa Corey, this kid doesn't know where she ends up. So he gives her the cleaned-up gun, and she's wearing gloves, so it's still clean. What is she supposed to do with it? She's supposed to come to me because Jack thinks I have blood between me and Bruce. She's to threaten me, not shoot me. No, no, nothing like that. And she's to tell me that Bruce sent her. Bruce? Why Bruce? Because this guy figured it exactly as it happened. I took the gun away from her. I went to Bruce to find out what it was all about. The door was conveniently left open for me, and I found Bruce like this bum had left him. And then a cop shows spurred by an anonymous phone tip. Cute, huh? Cute enough. Where's the girl? That's Elsa Corey. Yes, where is she? Where is she? Look at him wiggle, the big producer. Where is she? She's dead. What? He wasn't going to let her hang around to testify against him, was he? She ever hear of Willie? Of course. Willie choked it to death. Proof, proof, proof, not words. The law is caught up with Willie.  Well, that's proof against Willie, not proof against me.  Look at him. How much more proof do you want? The lady looks. Guilt is scribbled on him like a devil has written on his forehead. She lifts the gun, and for a minute you think it's for you. But it isn't. There isn't much left to look at when you get to him. And all of it is very dead. All right. It's over, and it's done with. Mind if I sit down for just a couple of minutes? Sit. It was a beautiful day before it shaped up cloudy. What are you talking about?  But it's finally developed into business. Business? From whom? You. Me? For you as a pokey, maybe with a good lawyer, who knows, it turns out justifiable homicide. That's business for a lawyer, not for you. True enough, but a lawyer's got to have facts. Now who's better at getting up facts for you than yours truly? I'm beginning to see what you mean. How much? Well, for a lady who's coming into a million, plus a swanky nightclub, a house of $5,000. You've talked yourself into a client, Mr. Chambers. You're hired. Thank you, ma'am. Thanks a bunch. And there you've had crime and Peter Chambers. Dane Clark was starred as Peter Chambers. Crime and Peter Chambers, transcribed, was created, produced and written by Henry Cain. Others in the cast were Bill Zuckert, heard as Lieutenant Parker, Fran Collin as Loretta, and Everett Sloane as Jack. It was directed by Fred Way, and this is Fred Collins inviting you to tune in again next week, same time, same station, for Dane Clark in Crime and Peter Chambers. Visit with Febra McGee and Marley tonight on the NBC Radio Network.