Chapter 1. Two young men in officers' uniforms entered the smoker of a suburban train, and after the usual formalities of matches and cigarettes, settled back to enjoy their ride out to Brian Haven. What do you think of that girl I introduced you to the other night, Harry? Isn't she a pippin? Asked the second lieutenant, taking a luxurious puff at his cigarette. I should say, Bobby, she's some girl. Where'd you pick her up? I certainly owe you one for a good time. Don't speak of it, Harry. Come on with me and try it again. I'm going to see her friend tonight and can get her over the phone any time. She's just nuts about you. What do you say?  Well, hardly tonight, Bob, said the first lieutenant thoughtfully. She's a ripping fine girl and all that, of course, but the fact is, Bob, I've decided to marry Ruth McDonald and I haven't much time left over before I go. I think I'll have to get things fixed up between us tonight, you see. Perhaps, later. But no, I guess that wouldn't do. Ruth's folks are rather fussy about such things, it might get out. No, Bob, I'll have to forego the pleasures you offer me this time. The second lieutenant sat up and whistled. You've decided to marry Ruth McDonald, he ejaculated, staring. But has Ruth McDonald decided to marry you? I hardly think there'll be any trouble on that score when I get ready to propose, smiled the first lieutenant complacently as he lulled back in his seat. You seem surprised, he added. Well, rather, said the other officer dryly still staring. What's there so surprising about that? The first lieutenant was enjoying the sensation he was creating. He knew that the second lieutenant had always been sweet on Ruth McDonald.   Exactly. Didn't you suppose I would want a fine girl when I marry? I don't believe you're really going to do it, first forth the second lieutenant. In fact, I don't believe I'll let you do it if you try. You couldn't stop me, Bob, with an amiable sneer. One word from you young man and I'd put your captain wise about where you were the last time you overstayed your leave and got away with it. You know I've got a pole with your captain, it never pays for the pot to call the kettle black. The second lieutenant sat back sullenly, with a deep red streaking his cheeks.  And I'm going to marry Ruth McDonald next week, put that in your pipe and smoke it. There ensued a long and pregnant silence, one glance at the second lieutenant showed that he was most effectually silenced. The front door of the car slammed open and shut, and a tall slim officer with touches of silver about the edges of his dark hair, and a look of command in his keen eyes came crisply down the aisle. The two young lieutenants sat up with a jerk and an undertone of oaths, and prepared to salute as he passed them. The captain gave them a quick searching glance as he saluted and went on to the next car. The two jerked out salutes and settled back uneasily. That man gives me a pain, said Harry Wainwright, preparing to smooth his ruffled spirits by a fresh cigarette. He thinks he's so doggone good himself that he has to pry into other people's business and get them in wrong. It beats me how he ever got to be a captain, a prim old fossil like him. It might puzzle some people to know how you got your commission, Harry. You're no fossil, of course, but you're no angel either. And there are some things in your career that aren't exactly laid down in military manuals. Oh, my uncle Henry looked after my commission. It was a cinch. He thinks the sun rises and sets in me, and he had no idea how he perjured himself when he put me through. Why, I've got some of the biggest men in the country for my backers, and wouldn't they lie awake at night if they knew? Oh boy, I thought I'd croak when I read some of those recommendations. They fairly gushed with praise, you'd have died laughing Bob if you had read them. They had such adjectives as estimable, moral, active, efficient. And one went so far as to say that I was equally distinguished in college and scholarship and athletics, some stretch of the imagination a what. The two laughed loudly over this. And the best of it is continued the first lieutenant. The poor boob believed it was all true. But your college records, Harry, how could they get around those? Or didn't they look you up? Oh, mother fixed that all up. She sent the college a good fat check to establish a new scholarship or something. Lucky dog, sighed his friend. Now I'm just the other way, I never tried to put anything over but I get caught, and nobody ever tried to cover up my tracks for me when I got gay. You worry too much, Bobby, and you never take a chance.  He gave one quick glance down the car as though he were searching for someone and came on down the aisle. The sight of him stopped the boast on young Wayne Wright's tongue, and an angry flush grew and rolled up from the top of his immaculate olive drab collar to his close military haircut. Slowly, deliberately, John Cameron walked down the aisle of the car looking keenly from side to side, scanning each face alertly until his eyes lighted on the two young officers. At Bob Weatherill, he merely glanced knowingly, but he fixed his eyes on young Wayne Wright with a steady, amused, contemptuous gaze as he came toward him, a gaze so noticeable that it could not fail to arrest the attention of any who were looking. And he finished the affront with a lingering turn of his head as he passed by, and a slight accentuation of the amusement as he finally lifted his gaze and passed on out of the rear door of the car. Those who were sitting in the seats near the door might have heard the words, and they killed such men as Lincoln, muttered laughingly as the door slammed shut behind him. Lieutenant Wayne Wright uttered a low oath of imprecation and flung his half-spent cigarette on the floor angrily. Did you see that, Bob? He complained furiously. If I don't get that, fellow. I certainly did. Are you going to stand for that? What's eating him, anyway? Has he got it in for you again? But he isn't a very easy fellow to get, you know. He has the reputation. Oh, I know, yes, I guess anyhow, I know. Oh, I see, like two two ones, did he? Left whetherl. What had you been up to? Oh, having some fun with his girl, at least I suppose she must have been his girl the way he carried on about it. He said he didn't know her, but of course that was all bluff. Then, too, I called his father a name he didn't like, and he lit into me again. Good night, I thought that was the end of little Harry. I was sick for a week after he got through with me. He certainly is some brute. Of course, I didn't realize what I was up against at first, or I'd have got the upper hand right away. I could have, you know, I've been trained, but I didn't want to hurt the fellow and get into the papers. You see, the circumstances were peculiar just then. I see. You just applied for officer's training camp. Exactly. And you know, you never can tell what a rumor persons like that can start. He's keen enough to see the advantage, of course, and follow it up. Oh, he's got one coming to him. All right. Yes, he's keen. All right. That's the trouble. It's hard to get him. Well, just wait. I've got him now. If I don't make him bite the dust, ye gods, when I think of the way he looks at me every time he sees me, I could skin him alive. I fancy he'd be rather slippery to skin. I wouldn't like to try it, Harry. Well, but wait till you see where I've got him. He's in the draft. He goes next week, and they're sending all those men to our camp. He'll be a private, of course, and they'll have to salute me. Won't that gall him? He won't do it. I know him, and he won't do it. I'll take care that he does it all right. I'll put myself in his way and make him do it. And if he refuses, I'll report him and get him in the guardhouse. See, I can, you know, then I guess he'll smile out of the other side of his mouth. He won't likely be in your company. That doesn't make any difference. I can get him into trouble if he isn't, but I'll try to work it that he is if I can. I've got to pull, you know, and I know how to work my superiors, he swaggered. That isn't very good policy, advised the other. I've heard of men picking off officers they didn't like when it came to battle. I'll take good care that he's in front of me on all such occasions. A sudden nudge from his companion made him look up, and there looking sharply down at him was the returning captain. And behind him walked John Cameron still with that amused smile on his face. It was plain that they had both heard his boast, his face crimsoned and he direct out a tardy salute. As the two passed on, leaving him muttering implications under his breath. When the front door slant behind the two, Wainwright spoke in a low shaken growl. Now what in thunder is that Captain LaRue going on to Brian Haven for I thought of course he got off at Spring Heights. That's where his mother lives. I'll bet he is going up to see Ruth MacDonald. You know they're related. If he is that knocks my plans all into a cocked hat. I'd have to sit at attention all the evening, and I couldn't propose with that cat around. Better put it off then and come with me, soothed his friend. athlete Brit will help you forget your troubles all right. And there's plenty of time. You'll get another leave soon. How the dickens did John Cameron come to be on speaking terms with Captain LaRue I'd like to know. Mused Wainwright paying no heed to his friend. Mm that does complicate matters for you some doesn't it. Captain LaRue is down at your camp isn't he? Why I suppose Cameron knew him up at college perhaps. Cap used to come from the university every week last winter to lecture at college. Wainwright muttered a chain of choice expletives known only to men of his kind. Forget it. Encouraged his friend slapping him vigorously on the shoulder as the train drew into Brian Haven. Come off that grouch and get busy. You're on leave man. If you can't visit one woman, there's plenty more and time enough to get married to before you go to France. Marriage is only an incident anyway. Why make such a fuss about it by the fitful glare of the station lights. They could see that Cameron was walking with the captain just ahead of them in the attitude of familiar converse. The site did not put Wainwright into a better humor. At the great gate of the McDonald estate, Cameron and LaRue parted. They could hear the last words of their conversation as LaRue swung into the wide driveway and Cameron started on up the street. I'll attend to it the first thing in the morning Cameron and I'm glad you spoke to me about it. I don't see any reason why it shouldn't go through. I shall be personally gratified if we can make the arrangement. Good night and good luck to you. The two young officers halted at a discrete distance until John Cameron had turned off to the right and walked away into the darkness. The captain's quick step could be heard crunching along the gravel drive to the McDonald house. Well I guess that about settles me for the night Bobby. Side Wainwright. Come on let's pass the time away somehow. I'll stop at the drugstore to phone and make a date with Ruth for tomorrow morning. Wonder where I can get a car to take her out. No I don't want to go in her car because she always wants to run it herself. When you're proposing to a woman you don't want her to be absorbed in running a car see. I don't know I haven't so much experience in that line as you have Harry but I should think it might be inconvenient laughed the other. They went back to the station. A few minutes later Wainwright emerged from the telephone booth in the drugstore with a legubrious expression. Dog on my luck. She's promised to go to church with that smug cousin of hers and she's busy all the rest of the day but she's promised to give me next Saturday if I can get off. His face brightened with the thought. I guess I can make it. If I can't do anything else I'll tell him I'm going to be married and then I can make her rush things through perhaps. Girls are game for that sort of thing right now. It's in the air these war marriages. By George I'm not sure but that's the best way to work it after all. She's the kind of a girl that would do almost anything to help you out of a fix that way and I'll just tell her I had to say that to get off and that I'll be court-martialed if they find out it wasn't so. How about it? I don't know Harry it's all right of course if you can get away with it but Ruth's a pretty bright girl and has a will of her own you know but now come on it's getting late. What do you say if we get up a party and run down to Atlantic City over Sunday now that you're free. I know those two girls would be tickled to death to go especially Athalie. She's a westerner you know and has never seen the ocean. All right come on only you must promise there won't be any scrapes that will get me into the papers and blow back to Brian Haven. You know there's a lot of Brian Haven people go to Atlantic City this time of year and I'm not going to have any stories started. I'm going to marry Ruth MacDonald. All right come on. End of chapter one chapter two of the search by Grace Livingston Hill. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by like many waters. Chapter two. Ruth MacDonald drew up her little electric runabout sharply at the crossing as the station gate suddenly clanged down in her way and sat back with a look of annoyance on her face. Michael of the crossing was so over careful sometimes that it became trying she was sure there was plenty of time to cross before the downtrain. She glanced at her tiny wrist watch and frowned why it was fully five minutes before the train was due. What could Michael mean standing there with his flag so importantly and that determined look upon his face. She glanced down the platform and was surprised to find a crowd. There must be a special expected. What was it a convention of some sort or a picnic. It was late in the season for picnics and not quite soon enough for a college football game. Who were they anyway. She looked over them and was astonished to find people of every class. The workers, the wealthy, the plain everyday men women and children. All with a waiting attitude and a strange seriousness upon them. As she looked closer she saw tears on some faces and handkerchiefs everywhere in evidence. Had someone died was this a funeral train they were awaiting. Strange she had not heard. Then the band suddenly burst out upon her with the familiar whale. There's a long long trail of winding into the land of our dreams and behind came the muffled tramping of feet not accustomed to marching together. Ruth suddenly sat up very straight and began to watch an unfamiliar awe upon her. This must be the first draft man just going away. Of course why had she not thought of it at once. She had read about their going and had heard people mention it the last week but it had not entered much into her thoughts. She had not realized that it would be a ceremony of public interest like this. She had no friends to whom it would touch. The young men of her circle had all taken warning in plenty of time and found themselves a commission somewhere. Two of them having settled up matters but a few days before. She had thought of these draft men when she had thought of them at all only when she saw mention of them in the newspapers and then as a lot of workmen or farmers boys who were reluctant to leave their homes and had to be forced into patriotism in this way. It had not occurred to her that there were many honourable young men who would take this way of putting themselves at the disposal of their country in her time of need without attempting to feather a nice little nest for themselves. Now she watched them seriously and found to her astonishment that she knew many of them. There were three college fellows in the front ranks whom she had met.  The sister of one stood on the sidewalk now in the common crowd quite near to the runabout and seemed to have forgotten that anybody was by. Her face was drenched with tears and her lips were quivering. Behind her was a gray-haired woman with a skewy blouse and a faded dark blue search skirt too long for the prevailing fashion. The tears were trickling down her cheeks also and an old man with a crutch and a little round-eyed girl seemed to belong to the party. The old man's lips were set and he was looking at the boys with his heart in his eyes. Ruth shrank back not to intrude upon such open sorrow and glanced at the line again as they straggled down the road to the platform. Fifty serious gray-eyed young men with determined mean and sorrow in the very droop of their shoulders. One could see how they hated all this publicity and display this tense moment of farewell in the eyes of the town and yet how tender they felt toward those dear ones who had gathered thus to do them honor as they went away to do their part in the great world struggle for liberty. As she looked closer the girls saw they were not mature men as at first glance they had seemed but most of them mere boys. There was the boy that mowed the McDonald lawn and the yellow-haired grocery boy. There was the gas man and the nice young plumber who fixed the leak in the water pipes the other day and the clerk from the post office and the cashier from the bank. What made them look so old at first sight? Why it was as if sorrow and responsibility had suddenly been put upon them like a garment that morning for a uniform and they walked in the shadow of the great sadness that had come upon the world. She understood that perhaps even up to the very day before they had most of them been merry careless boys but now they were men. Made so in a night by the horrible sin that had brought about this thing called war. For the first time since the war began Ruth McDonald had a vision of what the war meant. She had been knitting of course with all the rest. She had spent long mornings at the Red Cross rooms. She was on her way there this very minute when Michael and the procession had interrupted her course. She had made miles of surgical dressing and picked tons of oakum. She had bade her men friends cheery goodbyes when they went to officers training camps and with the other girls welcomed and admired their uniforms when they came home on short furloughs one by one winning his stripes and commission. They were all men whom she had known in society. They had wealth and position and found it easy to get into the kind of thing that pleased them in the army or navy. The danger they were facing seemed hardly a negligible quantity. It was the fashion to look on it that way. Ruth had never thought about it before. She had even been severe in her judgment of a few mothers who worried about their sons and wanted them to get exempt in some way. But these stern, loyal mothers who stood in close ranks with heavy lines of sacrifice upon their faces, tears on their cheeks, love and self-abnegation in their eyes gave her a new view of the world. These were the ones who would be in actual poverty some of them without their boys and whose lives would be empty indeed when they went forth. Ruth MacDonald had never before realized the suffering this war was causing individuals until she saw the faces of those women with their sons and brothers and lovers until she saw the faces of the brave boys for the moment all the rollicking lightness gone and only the pain of parting and the mists of the unknown future in their eyes. It came to the girl with a sudden pang that she was left out of all this that really it made little difference to her whether America was in the war or not. Her life would go on just the same, a pleasant monotony of bustle and amusement. There would be the same round of social affairs and regular engagements spiced with the excitement of war work and occasional visiting uniforms. There was no one going forth from their home to fight whose going would put the light of life out for her and cause her to feel sad beyond the ordinary superficial sadness for the absence of one's playmates. She liked them all her friends and shrank from having them in danger although it was splendid to have them doing something real at last. In truth until this moment the danger had seemed so remote the casualty list of which people spoke with baited breath so much a thing of vast unknown numbers that it had scarcely come within her realization as yet but now she suddenly read the truth in the suffering eyes of these people who were meant to say goodbye perhaps a last goodbye to those who were dearer than life to them how would she Ruth McDonald feel if one of those boys were her brother or lover it was inconceivably dreadful the band blared on and the familiar words insisted themselves upon her unwilling mind there's a long long night of waiting a sob at her right made her start and then turn away quickly from the sight of a mother's grief as she clung to a frail daughter for support sobbing with utter abandon while the daughter kept begging her to be calm for Tom's sake it was all horrible why had she gotten into this situation Aunt Rhoda would blame her for it Aunt Rhoda would say it was too conspicuous right there in the front ranks she put her hand on the starter and glanced out hoping to be able to back out and get away but the road behind was blocked several deep with cars and the crowd had closed in upon her and about her on every side retreat was impossible however she noticed with relief that the matter of being conspicuous need not trouble her nobody was looking her way all eyes returned in one direction toward that straggling determined line that wound up from the borough hall past the post office and bank to the station where the home guard stood uniformed in open silent ranks doing honor to the boys who were going to fight for them Ruth's eyes went reluctantly back to the marching line again somehow it struck her that they would not have seemed so forlorn if they had worn new trig uniforms instead of rusty varied civilian clothes they seemed like an ill prepared sacrifice passing in review then suddenly her gaze was riveted upon a single figure the last man in the procession marching alone with uplifted head and a look of self-abnegation on his strong young face all at once something sharp seemed to slash through her soul and hold her with a long quiver of pain and she sat looking straight ahead staring with a kind of wild frenzy at John Cameron walking alone at the end of the line she remembered him in her youngest school days the imp of the grammar school with a twinkle in his eye and an irrepressible grin on his handsome face nothing had ever daunted him and no punishment had ever stopped his mischief he never studied his lessons yet he always seemed to know enough to carry him through and would sometimes burst out with astonishing knowledge where others failed but there was always that joke on his lips and that wide delightful grin that made him the worshiped afar of all the little girls he had dropped a rose on her desk once as he lounged late and laughing to his seat after recess apparently unaware that his teacher was calling him to order she could feel the thrill of her little childish heart now as she realized that he had given the rose to her the next term she was sent to a private school and saw no more of him save an occasional glimpse in passing him on the street but she never had forgotten him and now and then she had heard little scraps of news about him he was working his way through college he was on the football team and the baseball team she knew vaguely that his father had died and that their money was gone but beyond that she had had no knowledge of him they had drifted apart he was not of her world and gossip about him seldom came her way he had long ago ceased to look at her when they happened to pass on the street he doubtless had forgotten her or thought she had forgotten him or it might even be that he did not wish to presume upon an acquaintance begun when she was too young to have a choice of whom should be her friends but the memory of that rose had never quite faded from her heart even though she had been but seven and always she had looked after him when she chanced to see him on the street with a kind of admiration and wonder now suddenly she saw him in another light the laugh was gone from his lips and the twinkle from his eyes he looked as he had looked the day he fought Chuck Woodcock for tying a string across the sidewalk and tripping up the little girls on the way to school it came to her like a revelation that he was going forth now in such a way to fight the world foe in a way he was going to fight for her to make the world a safe place for girls such as she all the terrible stories of Belgium flashed across her mind and she was lifted on a great wave of gratitude to this boyfriend of her babyhood for going out to defend her all the rest of the straggling line of draftmen were going out for the same purpose perhaps but it did not occur to her that they were anything to her until she saw John Cameron all those friends of her own world who were training for officers they too were going to fight in the same way to defend the world but she had not thought of it in that way before it took a sight of John Cameron's high bearing and serious face to bring the knowledge to her mind she thought no longer of trying to get away she seemed held to the spot by a new insight into life she could not take her eyes from the face of the young man she forgot that she was staying forgot that she was staring she could no more control the swelling thoughts of horror that surged over her and took possession of her then she could have controlled a mob if it had suddenly swept down upon her the gates presently lifted silently to let the little procession pass over to her side of the tracks and within a few short minutes the special train that was to bear the men away to camp came rattling up laid in with other victims of the chance that sent some men on ahead to be pioneers in the camps these were a noisy jolly bunch perhaps having had their own sad partings they were only trying to brace themselves against the scenes of other partings through which they must pass all the way along the line they must be reminded of their own mothers and sisters and sweethearts something of this Ruth McDonald seemed to define to herself as startled and annoyed by the clamor of the strangers in the midst of the sadness of the moment she turned to look at the crowding heads in the car windows and caught the eye of an irrepressible youth think of me over there he shouted waving a flippant hand and twinkling his eyes at the beautiful girl in her car another time Ruth would have resented such familiarity but now something touched her spirit with an inexpressible pity and she let a tiny ripple of a smile pass over her lovely face as her eyes traveled on down the platform in search of the tall form of John Cameron in the moment of the oncoming train she had somehow lost sight of him ah there he was stooping over a little white-haired woman taking her tenderly in his arms to kiss her the girl's eyes lingered on him his whole attitude was such a revelation of the man the rollicking boy had become it seemed to pleasantly round out her thought of him the whistle sounded the drafted men gave one last ringing hand clasp one last look and sprang on board John Cameron was the last to board the train he stood on the lower step of the last car as it began to move slowly his hat was lifted and he stood with slightly lifted chin and eyes that looked as if they had sounded the depths of all sadness and surrendered himself to whatever had been decreed there was settled sorrow in all the lines of his fine face Ruth was startled by the change in it by the look of the boy and the man had the war done that for him just in one short summer had it done that for the thousands who were going to fight for her as she was sitting in her luxurious car with a bundle of wool at her feet and presuming to bear her part by mere knitting poor little useless woman that she was a thing to send a man forth from everything he counted dear or wanted to do into suffering and hardship and death perhaps she shuttered as she watched his face with its strong uplifted look and its unutterable sorrow she had not thought he could look like that oh he would be gay tomorrow like the rest of course with his merry jest and his contagious grin and making light of the serious business of war he would not be the boy he used to be without the ability to do that but she would never forget how he had looked in this farewell minute while he was gazing his last on the life of his boyhood and being born away into a dubious future she felt a hopelessly yearning as if had there been time she would have liked to have told him how much she appreciated his doing this great deed for her and for all her sisters has it ever been fully explained why the eyes of one person looking hard across a crowd will draw the eyes of another the train had slipped along 10 feet or more and was gaining speed when John Cameron's eyes met those of Ruth McDonald and her vivid speaking face flashed its message to his soul a pleased wonder sprang into his eyes a question as his glance lingered held by the tumult in her face and the unmistakable personality of her glance then his face lit up with its old smile graver oh much and more differential than it used to be with a certain courtliness in it that spoke of maturity of spirit he lifted his hat a little higher and waved it just a trifle in recognition of her greeting wondering in sudden confusion if he were really not mistaken after all and had perhaps been appropriating a farewell that belonged to someone else then amazed and pleased at the flutter of her handkerchief in reply the train was moving rapidly now in the midst of a deep throaty cheer that sounded more like a sob and still he stood on that bottom step with his hat lifted and let his eyes linger on the slender girlish figure in the car with the morning sun glinting across her red gold hair and the beautiful soft rose color in her cheeks as the train swept past the little shelter shed he bethought himself and turned a farewell tender smile on the white-haired woman who stood watching him through a mist of tears then his eyes went back for one last glimpse of the girl and so he flashed out of sight around the curb end of chapter 2 chapter 3 of the search by grace livingston hill this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by like many waters chapter 3 it had taken only a short time after all the crowd drowned its cheer in one deep gasp of silence and broke up tearfully into little groups beginning to melt away at the sound of Michael ringing up the gates and telling the cars and wagons to hurry that it was almost time for the up train Ruth McDonald started her car and tried to bring her senses back to their normal calm wondering what had happened to her and why was there such an inexpressible mingling of loss and pleasure in her heart the way at first was intricate with congestion of traffic and Ruth was obliged to go slowly as the road cleared before her she was about to glide forward and make up for lost time suddenly a bewildered little woman with white hair darted in front of the car hesitated drew back came on again Ruth stopped the car shortly much shaken with a swift vision of catastrophe and the sudden recognition of the woman it was the same one who had been with John Cameron oh i'm so sorry i startled you she called pleasantly leaning out of the car won't you get in please and let me take you home the woman looked up and there were great tears in her eyes it was plain why she had not seen where she was going thank you no i couldn't she said with a choke in her voice and another blur of tears i you see i want to get away i've been seeing off my boy i know said Ruth with quick sympathy i saw you and you want to get home quickly and cry i feel that way myself but you see i didn't have anybody there and i'd like to do a little something just to be in it won't you please get in you'll get home sooner if i take you and see we're blocking the way the woman cast a fright and glance about and assented of course i didn't realize she said climbing awkwardly and sitting bolt upright as uncomfortable as could be in the luxurious car beside the girl it was all too plain she did not wish to be there Ruth maneuvered her car quickly out of the crowd and into a side street gliding from there to the avenue she did not speak until they had left the melting crowd well behind them then she turned timidly to the woman you are his mother she spoke the words hesitatingly as if she feared to touch a wound the woman's eyes suddenly filled again and a curious little quiver came on the strong chin yes she tried to say and smothered the word in her handkerchief pressed quickly to her lips in an effort to control them Ruth laid a cool little touch on the woman's other hand that lay in her lap please forgive me she said i wasn't sure i know it must be awful cruel for you he is all i have left the woman breathes with a quick controlled gas but of course it was right that he should go she set her lips more firmly and blinked off at the blur of pretty homes on her right without seeing any of them he would have gone sooner only he thought he ought not to leave me till he had to she said with another proud little quiver in her voice as if having once spoken she must go on and say more i kept telling him i would get on all right but he always was so careful of me ever since his father died of course said Ruth tenderly turning her face away to struggle with a strange smarting sensation in her own eyes and throat then in a low voice she added i knew him you know i used to go to the same school with him when i was a little bit of a girl the woman looked up with a quick searching glance and brushed the tears away firmly why aren't you ruth mcdonald miss mcdonald i mean excuse me you live in the big house on the hill don't you yes i'm ruth mcdonald don't call me miss i'm only nineteen and i still answer to my little girl name ruth answered with a charming smile the woman's gaze softened i didn't know john knew you she said speculatively he never mentioned oh of course not said the girl anticipating he wouldn't it was a long time ago when i was seven and i doubt if he remembers me anymore they took me out of the public school the next year and sent me to st mary's for which i've never quite forgiven them for i'm sure i should have got on much faster at the public school and i loved it but i've not forgotten the good times i had there and john was always good to the little girls we all liked him i haven't seen him much lately but i should think he would have grown to be just what you say he is he looks that way again the woman's eyes searched her face as if she questioned the sincerity of her words then apparently satisfied she turned away with a sigh i'd have liked him to know a girl like you she said wistfully thank you said ruth brightly that sounds like a real compliment perhaps we shall know each other yet someday if fortune favors us i'm quite sure he's worth knowing oh he is said the little mother her tears brimming over again and flowing down her dismayed cheeks he's quite worth the best society there is but i haven't been able to manage a lot of things for him it hasn't been always easy to get along since father died something happened to our money but anyway he got through college with a flash of triumph in her eyes wasn't that fine said ruth with sparkling eyes i'm sure he's worth a lot more than some of the fellows who have always had every whim gratified now which street you'll have to tell me i'm ashamed to say i don't know this part of town very well isn't it pretty down here this house what a wonderful climatus i never saw such a wealth of bloom yes john planted that and fussed over it said his mother with pride as she slipped unaccustomedly out of the car to the sidewalk i'm very glad to have met you and it was most kind of you to bring me home to tell the truth with a roguish smile that reminded ruth of her son's grin i was so weak and trembling with saying goodbye and trying to keep up so john wouldn't know it that i didn't know how i was to get home though i'm afraid i was a bit discourteous i couldn't bear the thought of talking to a stranger just then but you haven't been like a stranger knowing him and all oh thank you said ruth it's been so pleasant do you know i don't believe i ever realized what an awful thing the war is till i saw those people down at the station this morning saying goodbye i never realized either what a useless thing i am i haven't even anybody very dear to send i can only knit well that's a good deal some of us haven't time to do that i never have a minute you don't need to you've given your son said ruth flashing a glance of glorified understanding at the woman a beautiful smile came out on the tired sorrowful face yes i've given him she said but i'm hoping god will give him back again someday do you think that's too much to hope he is such a good boy of course not said ruth sharply with a sudden sting of apprehension in her soul and then she remembered that she had no very intimate acquaintance with god she wished she might be on speaking terms at least and then she would go and present a plea for this lonely woman if it were only captain larue her favorite cousin or even the president she might consider it but god she shuddered didn't god let this awful war be why did he do it she had never thought much about god before i wish you would let me come to see you sometime and take you for another ride she said sweetly it would be beautiful said the older woman if you would care to take the time from your own friends i would love to have you for one of my friends said the girl gracefully the woman smiled wistfully i'm only here holidays and evenings she concluded i'm doing some government work now i shall come said ruth brightly i've enjoyed you ever so much then she started her car and whirled away into the sunshine she won't come of course said the woman to herself as she stood looking mournfully after the car reluctant to go into the empty house i wish she would isn't she just like a flower how wonderful it would have been if things had been different and there hadn't been any war and my boy could have had her for a friend oh down at the clubhouse the women waited for the fair young member who had charge of the wool they rallied her joyously as she hurried in suddenly aware that she had kept them all waiting i saw her in the crowd at the station this morning called out mrs prior a large placid tease with a twinkle in her eye she was picking out the handsomest man for the next sweater she knits which one did you choose miss ruth tell us are you going to write him a letter and stick it in the toe of his sock the annoyed color swept into ruth's face but she paid no other heed as she went about her morning duties preparing the wool to give out a thought had stolen into her heart that made a tumult there and would not bear turning over even in her mind in the presence of all these curious people she put it resolutely by as she taught newcomers how to turn the heel of a sock but now and then it crept back again and was the cause of her dropping an occasional stitch daddy weather roll came to find out what was the matter with her sock and to giggle and gurgle about her brother bob and his friends bob it appeared was going to bring five officers home with him next weekend and they were to have a dance saturday night of course ruth must come bob was soon to get his first lieutenant's commission there had been a mistake of course or he would have had it before this some favoritism shown but now bob had what they called a pole and things were going to be all right for him bob said you couldn't get anywhere without a pole and didn't ruth think bob looked perfectly fine in his uniform it annoyed ruth to hear such talk and she tried to make it plain to dotty that she was mistaken about pole there was no such thing it was all imagination she knew for her cousin captain laru was very close to the government and he had told her so he said that real worth was always recognized and that it didn't make any difference where it was found or who your friends were it mattered what you were she fixed dotty's sock and moved on to the wool table to get ready an allotment for some of the ladies to take home mrs. wainwright bustled in large and florid and well groomed with a bunch of photographers proofs of her son harry in his uniform she called loudly for ruth to come and inspect them there were some 20 or more poses each one seemingly fatter more pompous and conceded looking than the last she stated in boisterous good humor that harry particularly wanted ruth's opinion before he gave the order at that mrs. prior bent her head to her neighbor and knotted meaningly as if a certain matter of discussion were settled now beyond all question ruth caught the look and its meaning and the color flooded her face once more much to her annoyance she wondered angrily if she would never be able to stop that childish habit of blushing and why it annoyed her so very much this morning to have her name coupled with that of harry wainwright he was her old friend and playmate having lived next door to her all her life and it was but natural when everybody was sweethearting and getting married that people should speak of her and wonder whether there might be anything more to their relationship than mere friendship still it annoyed her continually as she turned the pages from one fat smug wainwright countenance to another she saw in a mist the face of another man with uplifted head and sorrowful eyes she wondered if when the time came for harry wainwright to go he would have ought of the vision and ought of the holiness of sorrow that had shown in that other face she handed the proofs back to the mother so like her son in her ample blandness and wondered if mrs. cameron would have a picture of her son in his uniform fine and large and lifelike as these were she interrupted her thoughts to hear mrs. wainwright's clarion voice lifted in parting from the door of the clubhouse on her way back to her car well goodbye ruth dear don't hesitate to let me know if you'd like to have either of the other two large ones for your own specials you know i shan't mind changing the order a bit harry said you were to have as many as you wanted i'll hold the proofs for a day or two and let you think it over ruth lifted her eyes to see the gaze of every woman in the room upon her and for a moment she felt as if she almost hated poor fat doting mama wainwright then the humorous side of the moment came to help her and her face blossomed into a smile as she jauntily replied oh no please don't bother mrs wainwright i'm not going to paper the wall with them i have other friends you know i think your choice was the best of them all then as gaily as if she were not raging within her soul she turned to help poor dotty weatherill who was hopelessly muddled about turning her heel dotty chattered on above the turmoil of her soul and her words were as tiny april showers sizzling on a red hot cannon by and by she picked up dotty's dropped stitches after all what did such things matter when there was war and men were giving their lives and bob says he doubts if they ever get to france he says he thinks the war will be over before half the men get trained he says for his part he'd like the trip over after the submarines have been put out of business it would be something to tell about don't you know but bob thinks the war will be over soon don't you think so ruth i don't know what i think said ruth exasperated at the little prattler it seemed so awful for a girl with brains or hadn't she brains to chatter on interminably in that inane fashion about a matter of such awful portent and yet perhaps the child was only trying to cover up her fears for she all too evidently worshiped her brother ruth was glad when at last the morning was over and one by one the women gathered their belongings together and went home she stayed longer than the rest to put the work in order when they were all gone she drove around by the way of the post office and asked the old postmaster who had been there for 20 years and knew everybody if he could tell her the address of the boys who had gone to camp that morning he wrote it down and she tucked it in her blouse saying she thought the red cross would be sending them something soon then she drove thoughtfully away to her beautiful sheltered home where the thought of war hardly dared to enter yet in any but a playful form but somehow everything was changed within the heart of ruth mcdonald and she looked about on all the familiar places with new eyes what right had she to be living here in all this luxury while over there men were dying every day that she might live end of chapter 3 chapter 4 of the search by grace living sten hill this libra vox recording domain recording by like many waters chapter 4 the sun shone blindly over the broad dusty drill field the men marched and wheeled about faced and counter-marched in their new olive drab uniforms and thought of home those that had any homes to think about some who did not thought of a home that might have been if this war had not happened there were times when their souls could rise to the great occasion and their enthusiasm against the foe could carry them to all lengths of joyful sacrifice but this was not one of the times it was a breathless indian summer morning and the dust was inches thick it rose like a soft yellow mist over the mushroom city of 40 000 men brought into being at the command of a nation's leader dust lay like fine yellow powder over everything an approaching company looked like a cloud as it drew near one could scarcely see the men nearby for the cloud of yellow dust everywhere the water was bad this morning when every man was thirsty it had been boiled for safety and was served warm and tasted of disinfectants the breakfast had been oatmeal and salty bacon swimming in congealed grease the boy in the soldier's body was very low indeed that morning the man with his disillusioned eyes had come to the front of course this was nothing like the hardships they would have to endure later but it was enough for the present to their unaccustomed minds and harder because they were doing nothing that seemed worthwhile just marching about and doing sorted duties when they were all eager for the fray and to have it over with they had begun to see that they were going to have to learn to wait and be patient to obey blindly they who never had brooked commands from anyone most of them not even from their own parents they had been free as air and they had never been tied down to certain company here they were all mixed up college men and foreign laborers rich and poor cultured and coarse clean and defiled and it went pretty hard with them all they had come a bundle of prejudices and wills and they had first to learn that every prejudice they had been born with or cultivated must be given up or laid aside they were not their own they belonged to a great machine the great perfect conception of the army as a whole had not yet dawned upon them they were occupied with the unpleasant details in the first experimental stages at first the discomfort seemed to rise and obliterate even the great object for which they had come and discontent sat upon their faces off beyond the drill field whichever way they looked there were barracks the color of the dust and long stark roads new and rough the color of the barracks with jitties and trucks and men like ants crawling furiously back and forth upon them all animated by the same great necessity that had brought them in here even the sky seemed yellow like the dust the trees were gone except at the edges of the camp cut down to make way for more barracks in even ranks like men out beyond the barracks mimic trenches were being dug and puppets hung in long lines for mock enemies there were skeleton bridges to cross walls to scale embankments to jump over and all everything was that awful olive drab color till the souls of the new made soldiers cried out within them for a touch of scarlet or green or blue to relieve the dreary monotony sweat and dust and grime weariness homesickness humbled pride these were the tales of the first days of those men gathered from all quarters who were pioneers in the first camps corporal cameron marched his awkward squad back and forth through all the various maneuvers again and again giving his orders in short sharp tones his face said his heart tortured with the thought of the long months and years of this that might be before him the world seemed most unfriendly to him these days not that it had ever been over kind yet always before his native wit and happy temperament had been able to boy him up and carry him through hopefully now however hope seemed gone this war might last till he was too old to carry out any of his dreams and pull himself out of the place where fortune had dropped him gradually one thought had been shaping itself clearly out of the days he had spent in camp this life on earth was not all of existence there must be something bigger beyond it wasn't sane and sensible to think that any god would allow such waste of humanity as to let some suffer all the way through with nothing beyond to compensate there was a meaning to the suffering there must be it must be a preparation for something beyond infinitely better and more worthwhile what was it and how should he learn the meaning of his own particular bit john cameron had never thought about religion before in his life he had believed in a general way in a god or thought he believed that a book called the bible told about him and was the authentic place to learn how to be good the doubts of the age had not touched him because he had never had any interest in them in the ordinary course of events he might never have thought about them in relation to himself until he came to die perhaps not then in college he had been too much engrossed with other things to listen to the arguments or to be influenced by the general atmosphere of unbelief he had been a boy whose inner thoughts were kept under lock and key and who had lived his heart life absolutely alone although his rich wit and bubbling merriment had made him a general favorite where pure fun among the fellows was going he loved to roughhouse as he called it and his boyish pranks had always been the talk of the town the envied of the little boys but no one knew his real serious thoughts not even his mother strong and self repressed like himself had known how to get down beneath the surface and commune with him perhaps she was afraid or shy now that he was really all alone among all this mob of men of all sorts and conditions he had retired more and more into the inner sanctuary of self and tried to think out the meaning of life from the chaos that reigned in his mind he presently selected a few things that he called facts from which to work these were god hereafter death these things he must reckon with he had been working on a wrong hypothesis all his life he had been trying to live for this world as if it were the end and aim of existence and now this war had come and this world had suddenly melted into chaos it appeared that he and thousands of others must probably give up their part in this world before they had hardly tried it if they would set things right again for those that should come after but even if he had lived out his ordinary years in peace and success and had all that life could give him it would not have lasted long seventy years or so and what were they after they were passed no there was something beyond or it all wouldn't have been made this universe with the carefully thought out details working harmoniously one with another it wouldn't have been worthwhile otherwise there would have been no reason for a heart life there were boys and men in the army who thought otherwise who had accepted this life as being all among these were the ones who when they found they were taken in the draft and must go to camp had spent their last three weeks of freedom drunk because they wanted to get all the fun they could out of life that was left to them they were the men who were plunging into all the sin they could find before they went away to fight because they felt they had but a little time to live and what did it matter but John Cameron was not one of these his soul would not let him alone until he had thought it all out and he had come thus far with these three facts god death a life hereafter he turned these over in his mind for days and then he changed their order death a life here after god death was the grim person he was going forth to meet one of these days or months on the field of France or Italy or somewhere over there he was not to wait for death to come and get him as had been the old order this was war and he was going out to challenge death he was convinced that whether death was a servant of god or the devil in some way it would make a difference with his own personal life hereafter how he met death he was not satisfied with just meeting death bravely with the ardor of patriotism in his breast as he had heard so many about him talk in these days that was well so far as it went but it did not solve the mystery of the future life nor make him sure how he would stand in that other world to which death stood ready to escort him presently death might be victor over his body but he wanted to be sure that death could not also kill that something within him which he felt must live forever he turned it over for days and came to the conclusion that the only one who could help him was god god was the beginning of it all if there was a god he must be able to help a soul in a time like this there must be a way to find god and get the secret of life and so be ready to meet death that death should not conquer anything but the body how could one find god had anybody ever found him did anyone really think they had found him these were questions that beat in upon his soul day after day as he drilled his men and went through the long hard hours of discipline or lay upon his straw tick at night while 150 other men about him slept his mother's secret attempts at religion had been too feeble and too hidden in her own breast to have much of an impression upon him she had only hoped her faith was founded upon a rock she had not known and so her buffeted soul had never given evidence to her son of hidden holy refuge where he might flee with her in time of need now and then the vision of a girl blurred across his thoughts uncertainly like a bright moth hovering in the distance whose shadow fell across his dusty path but it was far away and vague and only a glance in her eyes belonged to him she was not of his world he looked up to the yellow sky through the yellow dust and his soul cried out to find the way to god before he had to meet death but the heaven seemed like molten brass not that he was afraid of death with a physical fear but that his soul recoiled from being conquered by it and he felt convinced that there was a way to meet it with a smile of assurance if only he could find it out he had read that people had met it that way was it all their imagination the mere illusion of a fanatical brain well he would try to find out god he would put himself in the places where god ought to be and when he saw any indication that god was there he would cry out until he made god hear him the day he came to that conclusion was sunday and he went over to the ymca auditorium they were having a mary pickford moving picture show there if he had happened to go at any time during the morning he might have heard some fine sermons and perhaps have found the right man to help him but this was evening and the men were being amused he stood for a few moments and watched the pretty show the sunlight on mary's beautiful hair as it fell glimmering through the trees in the picture reminded him of the red gold lights on ruth mcdonald's hair the morning he left home and with a sigh he turned away and walked to the edge of camp where the woods were still standing alone he looked up to the starry sky amusement was not what he wanted now he was in search of something vague and great that would satisfy and give him a reason for being and suffering and dying perhaps he called it god because he had no other name for it red gold hair might be for others but not for him he might not take it where he would and he would not take it where it lay easy to get if he had been in the same class with some other fellows he knew he would have wasted no time on follies he would have gone for the very highest finest woman but there what was the use besides even if he had been and he had had every joy of life here was but a passing show and must sometime come to an end and at the end would be this old problem sometime he would have had to realize it even if war had not come and brought the revelation prematurely what was it that he wanted how could he find out how to die where was god but the stars were high and cold and gave no answer and the whispering leaves although they soothed him side and gave no help the feeling was still with him next morning when the mail was distributed there would be nothing for him his mother had written her weekly letter and it had reached him the day before he could expect nothing for several days now other men were getting sheaves of letters how friendless he seemed among them all one had a great chocolate cake that a girl had sent him and the others were crowding around to get a bit it was doubtful if the laughing owner got more than a bite himself he might have been one in the group if he had chosen they all liked him well enough although they knew him very little as yet for he had kept much to himself but he turned sharply away from them and went out somehow he was not in the mood for fun he felt he must be growing morbid but he could not throw it off that morning it all seemed so hopeless the things he had tried to do in life and the slow progress he had made upward and now to have it all blocked by war none of the other fellows ever dreamed that he was lonely big husky handsome fellow that he was with a continuous joke on his lips for those he had chosen as associates with an arm of iron and a jaw that set like steel grim and unmistakably brave the awkward squad as they wrathfully obeyed his stern orders would have told you he had no heart the way he worked them and would not have believed that he was just plain homesick and lonesome for someone to care for him he was not hungry that day when the dinner call came and plunk himself down under a scrub oak outside the barracks while the others rushed in with their mess kids ready for beans or whatever was provided for them he was glad that they were gone glad that he might have the luxury of being miserable all alone for a few minutes he felt strangely as if he were going to cry and yet he did not know what about perhaps he was going to be sick that would be horrible down in that half finished hospital with hardly any equipment yet he must brace up and put an end to such softness it was all in the idea anyway then a great hand came down upon his shoulder with a mighty slap and he flung himself bolt upright with a frown to find his comrade whose bunk was next to his in the barracks he towered over Cameron polishing his tin plate with a vigor what's the matter with you you boob there's roast beef and it's good cookie saved a piece for you I told him you'd come go in and get it quick there's a letter for you too in the office I'd have brought it only I was afraid I would miss you here take my mess kit and hurry there's some cracker jack pickles too little sweet ones step lively or someone will swipe them all Cameron arose accepted his friend's dishes and sauntered into the mess hall the letter couldn't be very important his mother had no time to write again soon and there was no one else it was likely an advertisement or a formal greeting from some of the organizations at home they did that about fortnightly the red cross the woman's club the emergency aid the fire company it was kind in them but he wasn't keen about it just then it could wait until he got his dinner they didn't have roast beef every day and now that he thought about it he was hungry he almost forgot the letter after dinner until a comrade reminded him handing over a thick delicately scented envelope with a silver crest on the back the boys got off their kidding about the girl he'd left behind him and he answered with his old good-natured grin that made them love him letting them think he had all kinds of girls for the dinner had somewhat restored his spirits but he crumpled the letter into his pocket and got away into the woods to read it deliberately he walked down the yellow road up over the hill by the signal core tents across wigwag park to the woods beyond and sat down on a log with his letter he told himself that it was likely one of those fool letters the fellows were getting all the time from silly girls who were uniform crazy he wouldn't answer it of course and he felt a kind of contempt with himself for being weak enough to read it even to satisfy his curiosity then he tore open the envelope half angrily and a faint whiff of violets bloated out to him over his head a meadowlark trilled a long sweet measure and glad surprise suddenly entered into his soul end of chapter four chapter five of the search by grace living hill this livervox recording is in the public domain recording by like many waters chapter five the letter was written in a fine beautiful hand and even before he saw the silver monogram at the top he knew who was the writer though he did not even remember to have seen the writing before my dear friend i have hesitated a long time before writing because i do not know that i have the right to call you a friend or even an acquaintance in the commonly accepted sense of that term it is so long since you and i went to school together and we have been so widely separated since then that perhaps you do not even remember me and may consider my letter an intrusion i hope not for i should hate to rank with the girls who are writing to strangers under the license of mistaken patriotism my reason for writing you is that a good many years ago you did something very nice and kind for me one day in fact you helped me twice although i don't suppose you knew it then the other day when you were going to camp and i sat in my car and watched you it suddenly came over me that you were doing it again this time a great big wonderful thing for me and doing it just as quietly and inconsequentially as you did it before and all at once i realized how splendid it was and wanted to thank you it came over me too that i had never thanked you for the other times and very likely you never dreamed that you had done anything at all you see i was only a little girl very much frightened because chuck woodcock had teased me about my curls and said that he was going to catch me and cut them off and send me home to my aunt that way and she would turn me out of the house he had been frightening me for several days so that i was afraid to go to school alone and yet i would not tell my aunt because i was afraid she would take me away from the public school and send me to a private school which i did not want but that day i had seen chuck woodcock stealing behind the hedge ahead of the girls the others were ahead of me and i was all out of breath running to catch up because i was afraid to pass him alone and just as i got near two of them mary wartz and carolin meadows you remember them don't you they gave a scream and pitched headlong on the sidewalk they had tripped over a wire he had stretched from the tree to the hedge i stopped short and got behind a tree and i remember how the tears felt in my throat but i was afraid to let them out because chuck would call me a crybaby and i hated that and just then you came along behind me and jumped through the hedge and caught chuck and gave him an awful whipping licking i believe we called it then i remember how condemned i felt as i ran by the hedge and knew in my heart that i was glad you were hurting him because he had been so cruel to me he used to pull my curls whenever he sat behind me in recitation i remember you came into school late with your hair all messed up beautifully and a big tear in your coat and a streak of mud on your face i was so worried lest the teacher would find out you had been fighting and make you stay after school because you see i knew in my heart that you had been winning a battle for me and if anybody had to stay after school i wished it could be me because of what you had done for me but you came in laughing as you always did and looked as if nothing in the world unusual had happened and when you passed my desk you threw before me the loveliest pink rosebud i ever saw that was the second thing you did for me perhaps you won't understand how nice that was either for you see you didn't know how unhappy i had been the girls hadn't been very friendly with me they told me i was stuck up and they said i was too young to be in their classes anyway and ought to go to kindergarten it was all very hard for me because i longed to be big and have them for my friends i was very lonely in that great big house with only my aunt and grandfather for company but the girls wouldn't be friends at all until they saw you give me that rose and that turned the tide they were crazy about you every one of them and they made up to me after that and told me their secrets and shared their lunch and we had great times and it was all because you gave me the rose that day the rose itself was lovely and i was tremendously happy over it for its own sake but it meant a whole lot to me besides and opened the little world of school to my longing feet i always wanted to thank you for it but you looked as if you didn't want me to so i never dared and lately i wasn't quite sure you knew me because you never looked my way anymore but when i saw you standing on the platform the other day with the other drafted men it all came over me how you were giving up the life you had planned to go out and fight for me and other girls like me i hadn't thought of the war that way before although of course i had heard that thought expressed in speeches but it never struck into my heart until i saw the look on your face it was a kind of nightliness if there is such a word and when i thought about it i realized it was the very same look you had worn when you burst through the hedge after chuck woodcock and again when you came back and threw that rose on my desk although you had a big broad boys grin on your face then and were chewing gum i remember quite distinctly and the other day you looked so serious and sorry as if it meant a great deal to you to go but you were giving up everything gladly without even thinking of hesitating the look on your face was a man's look not a boy's it has meant so much to me to realize this last great thing that you are doing for me and for the other girls of our country that i had to write and tell you how much i appreciate it i have been wondering whether someone has been knitting you a sweater yet and the other things that they knit for soldiers and if they haven't whether you would let me send them to you it is the only thing i can do for you who have done so much for me i hope you will not think i am presuming to have written this on the strength of a childish acquaintance i wish you all honors that can come to you on such a quest as yours and i had almost said all good luck only that word sounds too frivolous and pagan for such a serious matter so i will say all safety for a swift accomplishment of your task and a swift homecoming i used to think when i was a little child that nothing could ever hurt you or make you afraid and i cannot help feeling now that you will come through the fire unscathed may i hope to hear from you about the sweaters and things and may i sign myself your friend bruce mcdonald john camron lifted his eyes from the paper at last and looked up at the sky had it ever been so blue before at the trees what whispering wonders of living green was that only a bird that was singing that heavenly song a meadowlark not an angel why had he never appreciated meadowlarks before he rested his head back against a big oak and his soldier's hat fell off on the ground he closed his eyes and the burden of loneliness that had borne down upon him all these weeks in the camp lifted from his heart then he tried to realize what had come to him ruth mcdonald the wonder and admiration of his childhood days the admired and envied of the hometown the petted beauty at whose feet every man fell the girl who had everything that wealth could purchase she had remembered the little old rose he had dared to throw on her desk and had bridged the years with this letter he was carried back in spirit to the day he left for camp to the look in her eyes as he moved away on the train the look had been real then and not just a fleeting glance helped out by his fevered imagination there had been true friendliness in her eyes she had intended to say goodbye to him she had put him on a level with her own beautiful self she had knighted him as it were and sent him forth even the war had become different since she chose to think he was going forth to fight her battles what a sacred trust afar in the distance a bugle sounded that called to duty he had no idea how time had flown he glanced at his wristwatch and was amazed he sprang to his feet and strode over the ground but the way no longer seemed dusty and blinded with sunshine it shone like a path of glory before his willing feet and he went to his afternoon round of duties like a new man he had a friend a real friend one that he had known a long time there was no fear that she was just writing to him to get one more soldier at her feet as some girls would have done her letter was too frank and sincere to leave a single doubt about what she meant he would take her at her word sometime during the course of the afternoon it occurred to him to look at the date of the letter and he found to his dismay that it had been written nearly four weeks before and had been traveling around through various departments in search of him because it had not the correct address he readily guessed that she had not wanted to ask for his company and barracks she would not have known who to ask she did not know his mother and who else was there his old companions were mostly gone to France or camp somewhere and now since all this time had elapsed she would think he had not cared had scorned her letter or thought it unmaidingly he was filled with dismay and anxiety lest he had hurt her frankness by his seeming indifference and the knitted things the wonderful things that she had made with her fair hands would she have given them to someone else by this time of course it meant little to her save as a kind of acknowledgement for something she thought he had done for her as a child but they meant so much to him much more than they ought to he knew for he was in no position to allow himself to become deeply attached to even the handiwork of any girl in her position however nobody need ever know how much he cared had always cared for the lovely little girl with her blue eyes her long curls her shy sweet smile and modest ways who had seemed to him like an angel from heaven when he was a boy she had said he did not know that he was helping her when he burst through the hedge on the cowering chuck woodcock and he would likely never dare to tell her that it was because he saw her fright and saw her hide behind that tree that he went to investigate and so was able to administer a just punishment he had picked that rose from the extreme west corner of a great rose bush on the Wainwright lawn reaching through an elaborate iron fence to get it as he went cross lots back to school he would call it stealing now to do that same but then it had been in the nature of a holy rite offered to a Vestal virgin yet he must have cast it down with the grin of an imp borish urchin that he was and he remembered blushing hotly in the dark afterwards at his presumption as he thought of it alone at night and all the time she had been liking it the little girl the little sweet girl she had kept it in her heart and remembered it his heart was light as air as he went back to the barracks for retreat a miracle had been wrought for him which changed everything no he was not presuming on a friendly letter maybe there would be fellows who would think there wasn't much in just a friendly letter to a lonely soldier and a sweater or two more or less but then they would never have known what it was to be so lonely for friendship real friendship as he was he would hurry through supper and get to the ymca hut to write her an answer he would explain how the letter had been delayed and say he hoped she had not given the things away to someone else he began planning sentences as he stood at attention during the captain's inspection at retreat somehow the captain was tiresomely particular about buttons and pocket flaps and little details tonight he waited impatiently for the command to break ranks and was one of the first at the door of the mess hall waiting for supper his face alight still planning what he would say in that letter and wishing he could get some fine stationery to write upon wondering if there was any to be had with his cadgises on it at supper he bubbled with merriment an old schoolmate might have thought him rejuvenated he wore his schoolboy grin and rattled off puns and jokes keeping the mess hall in a perfect roar at last he was out in the cool of the evening with the wonderful sunset off in the west on his way to the ymca hut he turned a corner swinging into the main road and there coming toward him not twenty feet away he saw lieutenant wane right end of chapter five chapter six of the search by grace livingston hill this libra vox recording is in the public domain recording by like many waters chapter six there was no possible way to avoid meeting him john cameron knew that with the first glance he also knew that wane right had recognized him at once and was lifting his chin already with that peculiar disagreeable tilt of triumph that had always been so maddening to one who knew the small mean nature of the man of course there was still time to turn deliberately about and flee in the other direction but that would be all too obvious and an open confession of weakness john cameron was never at any time a coward his firm lips at a trifle more sternly than usual his handsome head was held high with fine military bearing he came forward without faltering for even so much as the fraction of a waiver there was not a flicker in his eyes set straight ahead one would never have known from his looks that he recognized the oncoming man or had so much as realized that an officer was approaching yet his brain was doing some rapid calculation he had said in his heart if not openly that he would never salute this man he had many times in their hometown openly passed him without salute because he had absolutely no respect for him and felt that he owed it to his sense of the fitness of things not to give him deference but that was a different matter from camp he knew that wane right was in a position to do him injury and no longer stood in fear of a good thrashing from him as at home because here he could easily have the offender put in the guard house and disgraced forever nothing of course would delight him more than thus to humiliate his sworn enemy yet Cameron walked on knowing that he had resolved not to salute him it was not merely pride in his own superiority it was contempt for the nature of the man for his low contemptible plots and tricks and cunning ways for his entire lack of principle and his utter selfishness and heartlessness that made Cameron feel justified in his attitude toward wane right he is nothing but a hunt at heart he told himself bitterly but the tables were turned wane right was no longer in his hometown where his detestable pranks had goaded many of his neighbors and fellow townsmen into a cordial hatred of him he was in a great military camp bested with a certain amount of authority with the right to report those under him who in turn could not retaliate by telling what they knew of him because it was a court martial offense or a private to report an officer well naturally the united states was not supposed to have put men in authority who needed reporting Cameron of course realized that these things had to be in order to maintain military discipline but it was inevitable that some unworthy ones should creep in and wane right was surely one of those unworthy ones he would not bend to him officer or no officer what did he care what happened to himself who was there to care but his mother and she would understand if the news should happen to penetrate to the hometown which was hardly likely those who knew him would not doubt him those who did not matter little there was really no one who would care stay a letter crackled in his breast pocket and a cold chill of horror struggled up from his heart suppose she should hear of it yes he would care for that they were almost meeting now and Cameron's eyes were straight ahead staring hard at the big green shape of the theater a quarter of a mile away his face under its usual control showed no sign of the tumult in his heart which flamed with a sudden despair against a fate that had placed him in such a desperate situation if there were a just power who controlled the affairs of men how could it let such things happen to one who had always tried to live an upright life it seemed for that instant as if all the unfairness and injustice of his own hard life had culminated into that one moment when he would have to do or not do and bear the consequences then suddenly out from the barracks close at hand with brisk step and noble bearing came captain LaRue swinging down the walk into the road straight between the two men and stopped short in front of Cameron with a real light of welcome in his eyes as he lifted his hand to answer the salute which the relieved Cameron instantly flashed at him in that second lieutenant Wainwright flung past them with a curt salute to the higher officer and a glare at the corporal which the latter seemed not to see it was so simultaneous with Cameron salute of LaRue that nobody on earth could say that the salute had not included the lieutenant yet both the lieutenant and the corporal knew that it had not and Wainwright's brow was dark with intention as he turned sharply up the walk to the barracks which the captain had just left I was just coming in search of you Cameron said the captain with a twinkle in his eyes and his voice was clearly distinct to Wainwright as he loitered in the barracks doorway to listen I went down to Washington yesterday and put in the strongest plea I knew how for your transfer I hope it will go through all right there is no one else out for the job and you are just the man for the place it will be a great comfort to have you with me a few more words and the busy man moved on eluding Cameron's earnest thanks and leaving him to pursue his course to the ymca hut with a sense of soothing and comfort it never occurred to either of them that their brief conversation had been overheard and would not have disturbed them if it had lieutenant Wainwright lingered on the steps of the barracks with a growing curiosity and satisfaction the enemy were playing right into his hands both the enemy for he hated captain la rue as sin always hates the light he lounged about the barracks in deep thought for a few minutes and then made a careful toilet and went out he knew exactly where to go and how to use his influence which was not small although not personal it was characteristic of the man that it made no difference to him that the power he was wielding was a borrowed power whose owner would have been the last man to have done what he was about to do with it he had never in his life hesitated about getting whatever he wanted by whatever means presented itself he was often aware that people gave him what he wanted merely to get rid of him but this did not alloy his pleasure in his achievement he was something of a privileged character in the high place to which he bit took himself on account of the supreme regard which was held for the uncle a mighty automobile king through whose influence he had obtained his commission so far he had not availed himself of his privileges too often and had therefore not as yet outworn his welcome for he was a true diplomat he entered this evening with just the right shade of delicate assurance and humble effrontery to assure him a cordial welcome and gracefully settled himself into the friendliness that was readily extended to him he was versed in all the ways of the world and when he chose could put up a good appearance he knew that for the sake of his father's family and more especially because of his uncle's high standing this great official whom he was calling upon was bound to be nice to him for a time so he bided his time till a few other officials had left and then his turn came the talk was all personal a few words about his relatives and then questions about himself his commission how he liked it and how things were going for him mere form and courtesy but he knew how to use the conversation for his own ends oh i'm getting along fine and dandy he declared effusively i'm just crazy about camp i like the life but i'll tell you what makes me tired it's these little common guys running about fussing about their jobs and trying to get a lot of pull to get into some other place now there's an instance of that in our company a man from my hometown no account whatever and never was but he's got it in his head that he's a square peg in a round hole and he wants to be transferred he shouts about it from morning till night trying to get everybody to help him and at last i understand he's hoodwinked one captain into thinking he's the salt of the earth and they are plotting together to get him transferred i happened to overhear them talking about it just now how they are going to this one and that one in washington to get things fixed to suit them they think they've got the right to dope on things all right and it's going through for him to get his transfer it makes me sick he's no more fit for a commission than my dog not as fit or he could at least obey orders this fellow never did anything but what he pleased i've known him since we were kids and never liked him but he has a way with him that gets people till they understand him it's too bad when the country needs real men to do their duty that a fellow like that can get a commission when he is utterly inefficient besides being a regular breeder of trouble but of course i can't tell anybody what i know about him i guess you needn't worry wainwright they can't make any transfers without sending them up to me and you may be good and sure i'm not transferring anybody just now without a good reason no matter who is asking it he's in your company is he and where does he ask to be transferred just give me his name i'll make a note of it if it ever comes up i'll know how to finish him pretty suddenly though i doubt if it does people are not pulling wires just now this is war and everything means business however if i find there has been wire pulling i shall know how to deal with it summarily it's a court martial offense you know they passed on to other topics and wainwright with his little eyes gleaming triumphantly soon took himself out into the starlight knowing that he had done 15 minutes good work and not wishing to outdo it he strolled contentedly back to the officer's quarters wearing a more complacent look on his heavy features he would teach john cameron to ignore him meanwhile john cameron with his head among the stars walked the dusty camp streets and forgot the existence of lieutenant wainwright a glow of gratitude had flooded his soul at sight of his beloved captain whom he hoped to be able to call his captain unconsciously he walked with more self-respect as the words of confidence and trust rang over again in his ears unconsciously the little matters of personal enmity became smaller of less importance beside the greater things of life in which he hoped soon to have a real part if he got his transfer it meant a chance to work with a great man in a great way that would not only help the war but would be of great value to him in this world after the war was over it was good to have the friendship of a man like that fine clean strong intellectual kind just human gentle as a woman yet stern against all who deviated from the path of right the dust was settling into evening and twinkling lights gloomed out amid the dusty dust played an air snatches of wild song chorused out from open windows she's my lady my baby she's cockeyed she's crazy the twang of a banjo trailed in above the voices with a sound of scuffling loud laughter broke the thread of the song leaving marionne to soar out alone then the chorus took it up once more all her teeth are faults from eating rochelle salts she's my freckled faced consumptive mary ann cameron turned in at the quiet haven of the ymca hut glad to leave the babble sounds outside somehow they did not fit his mood tonight although there were times when he could roar the outlandish gibberish with the best of them but tonight he was on such a wonderful sacred errand bent that it seemed as though he wanted to keep his soul from contact with rougher things lest somehow it might get out of tune and so unfit for the task before him and then when he had seated himself before the simple desk he looked at the paper with this content true it was all that was provided and was good enough for ordinary letters but this letter to her was different he wished he had something better to think he was really writing to her and now that he was here with the paper before him what was he to say words seem to have deserted him how should he address her it was not until he had edged over to the end of the bench away from everybody else and had taken out the precious letter that he gained confidence and took up his pen my dear friend why he would call her his friend of course that was what she had called him and as he wrote he seemed to hear her again as she sat in her car by the station the day he had started on his long long trail and their eyes had met looking so into her eyes again he wrote straight from his soul my dear friend your letter has just reached me after traveling about four weeks i am not going to try to tell you how wonderful it is to me to have it in fact the wonder began that morning i left home when you smiled at me and waved a friendly farewell it was a great surprise to me i had not supposed until that moment that you remembered my existence why should you and it had never been from lack of desire to do so that i failed to greet you when we passed in the street i did not think that i a mere little hoodlum from your infant days had a right to intrude upon your grown-up acquaintance without a hint from you that such recognition would be agreeable i never blamed you for not speaking of course perhaps i didn't give you the chance i simply thought i had grown out of your memory as was altogether natural it was indeed a pleasant experience to see that light of friendliness in your eyes at the station that day and to know it was a real personal recognition and not just a patriotic gush of enthusiasm for the whole shabby lot of us draftees starting out to an unknown future i thanked you in my heart for that little bit of personal friendliness but i never expected to have an opportunity to thank you in words nor to have the friendliness last after i had gone away when your letter came this morning it sure was some pleasant surprise i know you have a great many friends and plenty of people to write letters to but somehow there was a real note of comradeship in the one you wrote me not as if you just felt sorry for me because i had to go off to war and fight and maybe get killed it was as if the conditions of the times had suddenly swept away a lot of foolish conventions of the world which may all have their good use perhaps at times but at a time like this are superfluous and you had just gravely and sweetly offered me an old friend's sympathy and goodwill as such i have taken it and i'm rejoicing in it don't make any mistake about this however i never have forgotten you or the rose i stole it from the wainwright's yard after i got done licking chuck and i had a fight with how wainwright over it which almost finished the rose and nearly got me expelled from school before i got through with it how told his mother and she took it to the school board i was a pretty tough little rascal in those days i guess and no doubt needed some licking's myself occasionally but i remember i almost lost my nerve when i got back to school that day and came within an ace of stuffing the rose in my pocket instead of throwing it on your desk i never dreamed the rose would be anything to you it was only my way of paying tribute to you you seem to me something like a rose yourself just dropped down out of heaven you know you were so little and pink and gold with such great blue eyes pardon me i don't mean to be too personal you don't mind a big hobbledy hoys admiration do you you are only a baby but i would have licked any boy in town that lifted a word or a finger against you and to think you really needed my help it certainly would have lifted me above the clouds to have known it then and now about this war business of course it is a rough job and somebody had to do it for the world i was glad and willing to do my part but it makes a different thing out of it to be called a night and i guess i'll look at it a little more respectfully now if a life like mine can protect a life like yours from some of the things those germans are putting over i'll gladly give it i've sized it up that a man couldn't do a bigger thing for the world anyhow he planned it than to make the world safe for a life like yours so me for what they call the supreme sacrifice and it won't be any sacrifice at all if it helps you no i haven't got a sweater or those other things that go with those that you talk about mother hasn't had time to knit and i never was much of a ladies man i guess you know if you know me at all or perhaps you don't but anyhow i'd be wonderfully pleased to wear a sweater that you knit although it seems a pretty big thing for you to do for me however if knitting is your job in this war and i wouldn't be robbing any other better fellow i certainly would just love to have it if you could see this big dusty monotonous olive drab camp you would know what a bright spot your letter and the thought of a real friend has made in it i suppose you have been thinking all this time that i was neglectful because i didn't answer but it was all the fault of someone who gave you the wrong address i am hoping you will forgive me for the delay and that someday you will have time to write to me again sincerely and proudly your night john cameron as he walked back to his barracks in the starlight his heart was filled with a great piece what a thing it was to have been able to speak to her on paper and let her know his thoughts of her it was as if after all these years he had been able to pluck another trifling rose and lay it at her lovely feet her night it was the fulfillment of all his boyish dreams he had entrusted his letter to the ymca man to mail as he was going out of camp that night and would mail it in baltimore ensuring an immediate start now he began to speculate whether it would reach its destination by morning and be delivered with a morning mail he felt as excited and impatient as a child over it suddenly a voice above him in the barracks window rang out with a familiar guffaw and the words why man i can't didn't i tell you i'm going to marry ruth mcdonald before i go there wouldn't be time for that and the other two something in his heart grew cold with pain and horror and something in his motive power stopped suddenly and halted his feet on the sidewalk in the grade cut below the officer's barracks aw a week more won't make any difference drawed another familiar voice i say hell she's just crazy about you and you could get no end of information out of her if you tried all she asks is that you tell what you know about a few little things that don't matter anyway but i tell you i can't man if ruth found out about the girl the mischief would be to pay she wouldn't stand for another girl not that kind of a girl you know and there wouldn't be time for me to explain and smooth things over before i go across the pond i tell you i've made up my mind about this the barracks door slammed shut on the voices and corporal cameron's heart gave a great jump upwards in his breast and went on slowly disley he came to his senses and moved on automatically toward his own quarters end of chapter six