So one of the nice things about the derivative is that it's what's called a linear operator, and that doesn't really mean anything until you've taken a few more advanced math classes, but what it translates into is that we can turn some very complicated problems into much easier ones. So here's a hard and painful problem. I suppose I have a snowball that maintains a spherical shape as it melts at a rate of 12 cubic centimeters per hour. We might want to know how rapidly its radius is decreasing when its radius is 6 centimeters. Now let's take this problem apart. So we're given a rate of change of volume with respect to time. So we know it's a rate because it says it's a rate, but it's also volume cubic centimeters with respect to time per hour. So what we have is a rate of change of volume with respect to time. We're looking for a rate of change of radius, presumably also with respect to time. In a sense we have set the independent variable here as time, so any further questions about rates are going to be presumably with respect to time unless we are specifically asking otherwise. So here we want a rate of change of radius with respect to time, and so one of the possibilities is maybe we can do some algebra and find the relationship between radius and time, and then because it's a rate of change I can look for the derivative. So I can do this. After some rather painful and complicated geometric and algebraic arguments, we can eventually construct the function. The radius as a function of time is going to be something like this, and t equals zero is going to correspond to the time when the radius is 6 centimeters, and what I'm interested in finding is when r prime of zero, the rate at which the radius is changing at the time when the radius is 6 centimeters. Now the challenge here is constructing this function. The derivative, barely straightforward derivative of a cube root function, well that involves fractions and it's a chain rule problem. Maybe this isn't the easiest way. So let's see if there's an easier way of doing this. Mathematicians like to look for easier ways. Sometimes they'll spend hours looking for a way to save a few minutes on a problem. So let's approach this problem from a different point of view. So again we have a rate of change of volume with respect to time, and I can at least write a symbol for that. This is the rate of change of volume with respect to time. It's a derivative that's dv over dt is minus 12. I'm going to drop the units there, but keep in mind that this is a minus 12 because it's a decrease, it's melting, and the units are cubic centimeters per hour. What am I looking for? Well I'm looking for how rapidly the radius is decreasing. So I want to find the rate of change of the radius, d, the derivative of r with respect to time, dr dt. So my first step is to look for any sort of relationship at all that I can find between our quantities. Notably this derivative, this volume, and this radius. So what do we know? Well it's a, the snowball has a spherical shape, and there's some formula that relates the volume of a sphere to the radius of the sphere. It's going to be four-thirds pi r cubed gives us the volume, and well that's the relationship between v and r. I actually want to say something about the derivatives. So let's differentiate both of these with respect to time. So this is what I'm about to do. I'm about to differentiate with respect to time, but I haven't done it yet, and there's two reasons for that. First is that this is going to take a couple of steps to work our way through. The other thing is to remember that we are not differentiating with respect to r or v, which means that these expressions, v and r, should be considered to be functions in and of themselves. And what that means is we're going to have to apply the chain rule. Again, the rule of thumb is you can never go wrong by applying the chain rule. You can always apply the chain rule, and the worst that'll happen is, if you apply it correctly, you'll end up with a string of ones. So let's go ahead and differentiate. The left-hand side's actually pretty easy. We can't really do very much. This is just the derivative of v with respect to t. I don't know what it is, but I can write down its symbol. This four-thirds pi is a constant, so I have the derivative of constant times functions, so the constant can be pulled out front. And the function is r cubed. What are we doing here? We are cubing, raising it to the third power. So when I differentiate to the third power, what I get is three times whatever squared times, don't forget the chain rule, derivative with respect to time of whatever was being raised to the third power. And once again, I can't really do anything with this other than to write down what it is in notation. So there's a little bit of a simplification there. That four-thirds pi and the three, simplify it to four pi, are squared. And that gives me this wonderful relationship between dv dt and dr dt. And the reason that that's really helpful is I want to find dr dt, and I know what dv dt actually is. So at this point, I can just substitute in the values that I know for dv dt minus 12. I need to know what r is. Well, I am interested in the point where radius is six centimeters, so I know what r is as well. I'll substitute in those values. Four and pi are just numbers, so I can combine them. And again, keeping in mind I'm actually trying to find dr dt, I can solve the equation for it. So let's see, six squared is 36, and combine the numbers, and solve for dr dt by dividing. And maybe we'll do a little bit of simplification there. One last thing we should check out. The units of dr dt are going to be units of r. What's the radius measured in? Well, evidently the radius is measured in centimeters. Radius is six centimeters, so the units of r should be centimeters. And t time, again, the only time unit we have up here are hours. So presumably if we want to find dr dt, we are getting an answer that is going to be measured in centimeters over hours. We should indicate that as part of our answer. Now, one thing to be careful with here. The proper expression is the snowball's radius is changing at a rate of minus one over 12 centimeters per hour. And that gives us a correct rate of change. Now, you might want to rephrase that. The question is asking how rapidly the radius is decreasing. The radius is not decreasing at negative one over 12 pi centimeters per hour. That negative tells you that the radius is decreasing, and the amount is one over 12 pi centimeters. So if you want to answer the question, how rapidly is the radius decreasing? The actual answer to that question is just one over 12 pi centimeters per hour. If you want to phrase an answer so that you cover all bets, you can just give the rate of change and not worry about the interpretation of whether the amount indicates a decrease or an increase. Well, about another problem. So here we have a coffee shop selling coffee at $3 a cup to 5,000 customers, cheaper than Starbucks. It determines that it will gain or lose 10 customers for every .01 dollar increase of changing the price of a cup of coffee. And of course, their big question is, well, how rapidly is our revenue going to change? And should it raise prices or lower prices? Big important question if you're an owner of the coffee shop. And again, some of the important pieces of analysis here were given a rate of change. So gain or lose the number of customers per dollar. So this is a rate of change in terms of customers with respect to dollars prices, probably what we would interpret that to measure. So this is a rate of change of customers with respect to price. So presumably when we try to answer this question, how rapidly is revenue changing? We're also looking for a rate of change of revenue also with respect to price. So we have to think about what this is going to be. So let's throw down some variables. What I have is information about a number of customers. So I'll let my variable C represent the number of customers. I also have information about price $3 per cup. So maybe I want to let price be another variable. And I'm interested in finding revenue. And I need to know the relationship between revenue and anything else. Well, revenue is just the number of cups that we sell, the number of customers, times how much we can persuade each of them to pay for a cup of coffee. So revenue is price per cup. That's x times the number of cups I've sold, that's c. And I'm interested in the rate of change of revenue with respect to price. So I'm to differentiate with respect to x. So there's my original function. I'll differentiate everything with respect to x. Again, a little bit of analysis goes a long way. This is a product x times c. So when I differentiate, I'm going to differentiate a product. First times derivative second plus second times derivative of the first. And I can simplify that a little bit. The derivative of x with respect to x. Here's where the differential notation is particularly nice. If I were to try and write this, this is dx over dx. And again, the derivative, the differential notation does not indicate a fraction. But you can't look at dx over dx without thinking that that's equal to one. And I can drop it or the dx just will cancel out. But here I do get the relationship between revenue, cost, number of customers, and all of the given rates of change. So what are those rates of change? Well, so x is the price of a cup of coffee. C is the number of customers. So I want to know x, c, and dx to find dr dx. So one of the pieces of information we gain or lose customers for every change in the price of cup of coffee. So again, here's where our differential notation is very useful. I know that dc, the change in the number of customers, I'm going to lose 10 customers when dx, I change the price by 0.01. So dc over dx, again, not a fraction. But it's convenient to think about it as one. That's minus 10 over 0.01, or after all the dust settles, minus 1,000. So what else do I know? I'm interested at a price of $3. I do have 5,000 customers. I have dc dx equals minus 1,000. I can substitute those in and compute dr dx works out to be 2,000. And so note that dr dx, the units of this expression are, revenue is measured in dollars, x price of a cup of coffee also measured in dollars. So we can read this as having units of dollars of revenue per dollar of price. And that is going to be positive 2,000. So I can take that as an increase. So revenue is increasing by $2,000 of revenue per dollar of price. And since our revenue is increasing as we increase x, we should probably raise prices. And again, this explains Starbucks.


Chapter 1 of The Would-Be Goods This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Hazel and Alan Chant. The Would-Be Goods by E. Nesbit. Being the further adventures of the treasure seekers. Dedicated to my dear son Fabian Bland. Chapter 1 The Jungle. Children are like jam. All very well in the proper place, but you can't stand them all over the shop. Eh, what? These were the dreadful words of our Indian uncle. They made us feel very young and angry. And yet we could not be comforted by calling him names to ourselves, as you do when nasty grown-ups say nasty things, because he is not nasty, but quite the exact opposite when not irritated. And we could not think it un-gentlemanly of him to say we were like jam, because, as Alice says, jam is very nice indeed, only not on the furniture, and in proper places like that. My father said, perhaps they had better go to boarding school, and that was awful, because we know father disapproves of boarding schools. And he looked at us, and said, I am ashamed of them, sir.  And we all knew this, so that we felt in our chests just as if we had swallowed a hard-boiled egg-hole. At least this is what Oswald felt, and father said once that Oswald, as the eldest, was the representative of the family, so, of course, the others felt the same. And then everybody said nothing for a short time.  It is no use telling you what you know before, as they do in schools. And you must all have had such words said to you many times. We went away when it was over. The girls cried, and we boys got out books and began to read, so that nobody should think we cared. But we felt it deeply in our interior hearts, especially Oswald, who is the eldest and the representative of the family. We felt it all the more, because we had not really meant to do anything wrong. We only thought perhaps the grown-ups would not be quite pleased if they knew, and that is different. Besides, we meant to put all the things back in their proper places when we had done with them, before anyone found out about it. But I must not anticipate. That means telling the end of the story before the beginning. I tell you this because it's so sickening to have words you don't know in a story, and to be told to look them up in the dicker. We are the Bastables. Oswald, Dora, Dickie, Alice, Noel, and H.O. If you want to know why we call our youngest brother H.O., you can jolly well read the Treasure Seekers and find out. We were the Treasure Seekers, and we sorted, high and low, and quite regularly, because we particularly wanted to find it. And at last we did not find it. But we were found by a good, kind Indian uncle who helped father with his business, so that father was able to take us all to live in a jolly big red house on Blackheath, instead of in the Lewisham Road where we lived when we were only poor but honest Treasure Seekers. When we were poor but honest, we always used to think that if only father had plenty of business, and we did not have to go short of pocket money and wear shabby clothes. I don't mind this myself, but the girls do. We should be happy and very, very good. And when we were taken to the beautiful big Blackheath house, we thought now all would be well, because it was a house with vineries and pinearies, and gas and water and shrubberies and stabling, and replete with every modern convenience, like it says in Dyer and Hilton's list of eligible house property. I read all about it, and I have copied the words quite right. It is a beautiful house, all the furniture solid and strong, no casters off the chairs and the tables not scratched, and the silver not dented, and lots of servants and the most decent meals every day, and lots of pocket money. But it is wonderful how soon you get used to things, even the things you want most. Our watches, for instance. We wanted them frightfully. But when I had mine a week or two, after the mainspring got broken and was repaired at Bennett's in the village, I hardly cared to look at the works at all, and it did not make me feel happy in my heart any more, though, of course, I should have been very unhappy if it had been taken away from me. And the same with new clothes and new dinners and having enough of everything. You soon get used to it all, and it does not make you extra happy, although if you had it all taken away, you would be very dejected. That's a good word, and one I have never used before. You get used to everything, as I said, and then you want something more. Father says this is what people mean by the deceitfulness of riches, but Albert's uncle says it is the spirit of progress, and Mrs Leslie said some people called it divine discontent. Oswald asked them all what they thought one Sunday at dinner. Uncle said it was rot, and what we wanted was bread and water and a licking, but he meant it for a joke. This was in the Easter holidays. We went to live at the Red House at Christmas. After the holidays the girls went to Blackheath High School, and we boys went to the prop. That means the proprietary school, and we had to swat rather during term. But about Easter we knew the deceitfulness of riches in the vac when there was nothing much on, like pantomimes and things. Then there was the summer term, and we swatted more than ever, and it was boiling hot, and Master's tempers got short and sharp. And the girls used to wish the exams came in cold weather. I can't think why they don't. But I suppose schools don't think of sensible things like that. They teach botany at girls' schools. Then the mid-summer holidays came, and we breathed again, but only for a few days. We began to feel as if we had forgotten something, and did not know what it was. We wanted something to happen. Only we didn't exactly know what. So we were very pleased when Father said, I've asked Mr. Forks to send his children here for a week or two. You know, the kids who came at Christmas. You must be jolly to them, and see they have a good time. Don't you know? We remembered them right enough. They were little, pinky, frightened things, like white mice with very bright eyes. They had not been to our house since Christmas, because Dennis, the boy, had been ill, and they had been with an aunt at Ramsgate. Alice and Dora would have liked to get the bedrooms ready for the honoured guests, but a really good housemaid is sometimes more ready to say, don't, even than a general. So the girls had to chuck it. Jane only let them put flowers in pots on the visitors' mantelpieces, and then they had to ask the gardener which kind they might pick, because nothing worth gathering happened to be growing in our own gardens just then. Their train got in at twelve twenty-seven. We all went to meet them. Afterwards I thought that was a mistake, because their aunt was with them, and she wore black with beady things and a tight bonnet, and she said when we took off our hats, who are you, quite crossly? We said, we are the Bastabas. We've come to meet Daisy and Denny. The aunt is a very rude lady, and it made us sorry for Daisy and Denny when she said to them, are these the children? Do you remember them? We weren't very tidy, perhaps because we'd been playing brigands in the shrubbery, and we knew that we should have to wash for dinner as soon as we got back, anyhow, but still. Denny said he thought he remembered us, but Daisy said, of course they are, and then looked as if she was going to cry.  So the cab went off, and we were left. The aunt turned to us to say a last few words. We knew it would have been about brushing your hair and wearing gloves, so Oswald said, good-bye, and turned hortily away before she could begin, and so did the others. No one but that kind of black, beady, tight lady would say, little boys. She is like Miss Murdstone in David Copperfield. I should like to tell her so, but she would not understand. I don't suppose she has ever read anything but Markham's history and Mangle's questions, improving books like that. When we got home we found all four of those who had ridden in the cab, sitting in our sitting-room, we don't call it a nursery now, looking very thoroughly washed, and our girls were asking polite questions and the others were saying, yes, and no, and I don't know. We boys did not say anything. We stood at the window and looked out till the gong went for our dinner. We felt it was going to be awful, and it was. The newcomers would never have done for knight-errants or to carry the cardinal's sealed message through the heart of France on a horse. They would never have thought of anything to say to throw the enemy off the scent when they got into a tight place. They said, yes, please, and no thank you, and they ate very neatly and always wiped their mouths before they drank, as well as after, and never spoke with them full, and after dinner it got worse and worse. We all got out our books, and they said thank you and didn't look at them properly. Then we got out all our toys, and they said thank you, it's very nice to everything. And it got less and less pleasant, and towards tea-time it came to nobody saying anything except Noel and H.O., and they talked to each other about cricket. After tea father came in, and he played letters with them and the girls, and it was a little better. But while late dinner was going on, I shall never forget it, Oswood felt like the hero of a book almost at the end of his resources. I don't think I was ever glad of bedtime before, but that time I was. When they had gone to bed, Daisy had to have all her strings and buttons undone for her, Dora told me, though she is nearly ten, and Denny said he couldn't sleep without the gas being left a little bit on. We held a council in the girls' room. We all sat on the bed. It is a mahogany four-poster with green curtains, very good for tents, only the housekeeper doesn't allow it. And Oswood said, this is jolly nice, isn't it? They'll be better tomorrow, Alice said. They're only shy.  They're frightened. You see, we're all strange to them, Dora said. We're not wild beasts or Indians. We shan't eat them. What have they got to be frightened of? Dicky said to this. Noel told us, he thought, they were an enchanted prince and princess who'd been turned into white rabbits, and their bodies had got changed back, but not their insides. But Oswood told him to dry up. It's no use making things up about them, he said. The thing is, what are we going to do? We can't have our holidays spoiled by these snivelling kids. No, Alice said, but they can't possibly go on snivelling for ever. Perhaps they've got into the habit of it with that merged aunt. She's enough to make anyone snivel. All the same, said Oswald. We jollywell aren't going to have another day like today. We must do something to rouse them from their snivelling, left, what's its name, something sudden and what is it, decisive? A booby-trap, said H.O. The first thing when they get up and an apple pie bed at night? But Dora would not hear of it, and I owned she was right. Suppose she said we could get up a good play, like we did when we were treasure seekers. We said, well, what? But she did not say. It ought to be a good long thing to last all day, Dicky said, and if they like, they can play, and if they don't, if they don't, I'll read to them, Alice said. But we all said, no you don't, if you begin that way you'll have to go on. And Dicky added, I wasn't going to say that at all. I was going to say if they didn't like it they could jollywell do the other thing. We all agreed that we must think of something, but we none of us could, and at last the council broke up in confusion, because Mrs Blake, she is the housekeeper, came up and turned off the gas. But next morning, when we were having breakfast, and the two strangers were sitting there pink and clean, Oswood suddenly said, I know, we'll have a jungle in the garden. And the others agreed, and we talked about it till Breck was over. The little strangers only said, I don't know whenever we said anything to them. After Brecker, Oswood beckoned his brothers and sisters mysteriously apart and said, Do you agree to let me be capped in today, because I thought of it? And they said they would. Then he said, We'll play jungle-book, and I shall be mogley, the rest of you can be what you like, mogley's father and mother or any of the beasts. I don't expect they know the book, said Noel, they didn't look as if they read anything, except at lesson times. Then they can go on being beasts all the time, Oswood said. Anyone can be a beast. So it was settled. And now Oswald, Albus Uncle has sometimes said he is clever at arranging things, began to lay his plans for the jungle. The day was indeed well chosen. Our Indian Uncle was away. Father was away. Mrs. Blake was going away, and the housemaid had an afternoon off. Oswald's first conscientious act was to get rid of the white mice, I mean the little good visitors. He explained to them that there would be a play in the afternoon, and that they could be what they liked, and gave them the jungle-book to read the stories he told them to, all the ones about mogley. He led the strangers to a secluded spot among the sea-cailed pots in the kitchen-garden, and left them. Then he went back to the others, and we had a jolly morning under the cedar talking about what we would do when Blackie was gone. She went just after our dinner. When we asked Denny what he would like to be in the play, it turned out he had not read the stories Odwell told him at all, but only the white seal and rickety-ticky. We then agreed to make the jungle first, and dress up for our parts afterwards. Oswald was a little uncomfortable about leaving the strangers alone all the morning, so he said Denny should be his aide-de-combe, and he was really quite useful. He is rather handy with his fingers, and things that he does up do not come untied. Daisy might have come too, but she wanted to go on reading, so we let her, which is the truest manners to a visitor. Of course the shrubbery was to be the jungle, and the lawn under the cedar a forest-glade, and then we began to collect the things. The cedar lawn is just nicely out of the way of the windows. It was a jolly hot day, the kind of day when the sunshine is white and the shadows are dark grey, not black like they are in the evening. We all thought of different things. Of course first we dressed up pillows in the skins of beasts, and set them about on the grass to look as natural as we could, and then we got pincher and rubbed him all over with powdered slate pencil to make him the right colour for grey brother. But he shook it all off, and it had taken an awful time to do. But then Alice said, Oh, I know! And she ran off to Father's dressing-room, and came back with the tube of creme de l'amandé pour le barbellement. And we squeezed it on pincher and rubbed it in, and then the slate pencil-stuff stuck all right, and he rolled in the dustbin of his own accord, which made him just the right colour. He is a very clever dog, but soon after he went off, and we did not find him till quite late in the afternoon. Denny helped with pincher, and with the wild-beast skins. And when pincher was finished he said, Please, may I make some paper-birds to put in the trees? I know how. And of course we said yes. And he only had red ink and newspapers, and quickly he made quite a lot of large paper-birds with red tails. They didn't look half bad on the edge of the shrubbery. While he was doing this he suddenly said, or rather screamed, Oh! and we looked.  And I don't wonder Denny was frightened. It was Alice, and it was first-class. Up to now all was not lost beyond recall. It was the stuffed fox that did the mischief. And I am sorry to own. It was Oswald who thought of it. He is not ashamed of having thought of it. That was rather clever of him. But he knows now that it is better not to take other people's foxes and things without asking, even if you live in the same house with them. It was Oswald who undid the back of the glass case in the hall and got out the fox with the green and grey duck in its mouth. And when the others saw how awfully lifelike they looked on the lawn they all rushed off to fetch the other stuffed things. Uncle has a tremendous lot of stuffed things. He shot most of them himself, but not the fox, of course. There was another fox's mask, too, and we hung that in a bush to look as if the fox was peeping out. And the stuffed birds we all fastened onto the trees with string. The duck-bill, what's his name, looked very well sitting on its tail with the otter snarling at him. Then Dicky had an idea. And though not nearly so much was said about it afterwards, as there was about the stuffed things, I myself think it was just as bad, though it was a good idea, too. He just got the hose and put the end over a branch of the cedar tree. Then we got the steps they clean windows with and let the hose rest on the top of the steps and run. It was to be a waterfall, but it ran between the steps and was only wet and messy. So we got Father's Macintosh and uncles and covered the steps with them so that the water ran down all right and was glorious and it ran away in a stream across the grass where we had dug a little channel for it. And the otter and the duck-bill thing were as if in their native horns. I hope all this is not very dull to read about. I know it was jolly good fun to do. Taking one thing with another, I don't know that we ever had a better time while it lasted. We got all the rapids out of the hutches and put pink paper tails on them and hunted them with horns made out of the tines. They got away somehow and before they were caught next day they had eaten a good many lettuces and other things. Oswald is very sorry for this. He rather likes the gardener. Denny wanted to put paper tails on the guinea pigs and it was no use our telling him that there was nothing to tie the paper on to. He thought we were kidding until we showed him and then he said, well, never mind and got the girls to give him bits of the blue stuff left over from their dressing gowns. I'll make them sashes to tie round their middles," he said and he did and the bows stuck up on the tops of their backs. One of the guinea pigs was never seen again and the same with the tortoise when we had done his shell with a vermilion paint. He crawled away and returned no more. Perhaps someone collected him and thought he was an expensive kind for someone known in these cold latitudes. The lawn under the cedar was transformed into a dream of beauty. What with the stuffed creatures and the paper-tailed things and the waterfall and Alice said, I wish the tigers did not look so flat for of course with pillows you can only pretend it is a sleeping tiger getting ready to make a spring out at you. It is difficult to prop up tiger skins in a lifelike manner when there are no bones inside them only pillows and sofa cushions. What about the beer stands, I said and we got two out of the cellar with bolsters and string we fastened insides to the tigers and they were really fine. The legs of the beer stands did for tigers' legs. It was indeed the finishing touch. Then we boys put on just our bathing drawers and vests so as to be able to play with the waterfall without hurting our clothes. I think this was thoughtful.  Ajo painted his legs and his hands with condis fluid to make him brown so that he might be Mowgli although Oswald was captain and had plainly said he was going to be Mowgli himself. Of course the others weren't going to stand that so Oswald said very well nobody asked you to brown yourself like that but now you've done it you've simply got to go and be a beaver and live in the dam under the waterfall until it washes off. He said he didn't want to be beavers and Noel said don't make him let him be the bronze statue in the palace gardens that the fountain plays out of so we let him have the hose and hold it up over his head. It made a lovely fountain only he remained brown. So then Dicky and Oswald and I did ourselves brown too and dried Ajo as well as we could with our handkerchiefs because he was just beginning to snivel. The brown did not come off any of us for days. Oswald was to be Mowgli and we were just beginning to arrange the different parts the rest of the hose that was on the ground was Carr the Rock Python and Pinscher was Grey Brother only we couldn't find him and while most of us were talking Dicky and Noel got messing about with the beer stand tigers and then a really sad event instantly occurred which was not really our fault and we did not mean to. That Daisy girl had been mooning indoors all the afternoon with the jungle books and now she came suddenly out just as Dicky and Noel had got under the tigers and was shoving them along to fright each other. Of course this is not in the Mowgli book at all but they did look jolly like real tigers and I am very far from wishing to blame the girl though she little knew what would be the awful consequence of her rash act. But for her we might have got out of it all much better than we did. What happened was truly horrid. As soon as Daisy saw the tigers she stopped short and uttering a shriek like a railway whistle she fell flat on the ground. Fear not gentle Indian maid Oswald cried thinking with surprise that perhaps after all she did not know how to play. I myself will protect thee and he sprung forward with the native bow and arrows out of Uncle's study. The gentle Indian maiden did not move. Come hither, Dora said. Let us take refuge in yonder cover while this good night does battle for us. Dora might have remembered that we were savages but she did not and that is Dora all over and still the Daisy girl did not move. Then we were truly frightened.  She looked horrid. Not at all like fair-fainting damsels who were always of an interesting pallor. She was green like a cheap oyster on a stall. We did what we could pray to alarm as we were. We rubbed her hands and let the hose play gently but perseveringly on her unconscious brow. The girls loosened her dress though it was only the kind that comes straight down without a waist and we were all doing what we could as hard as we could when we heard the click of the front gate. There was no mistake about it. I hope whoever it is will go straight to the front door, said Alice. But whoever it was did not. There were feet on the gravel and there was the uncle's voice saying in his hearty manner this way, this way, on such a day as this we shall find our young barbarians all at play somewhere about the grounds. And then without further warning the uncle, three other gentlemen and two ladies burst upon the scene. We had no clothes on to speak of. I mean us boys. We were all wet through. Daisy was in a faint or a fit or dead. None of us then knew which and all the stuffed animals were there staring the uncle in the face. Most of them had got a sprinkling and the otter and the duckbill brute were simply soaked and three of us were dark brown. Concealment as so often happens was impossible. The quick brain of Oswald saw in a flash exactly how it would strike the uncle and his brave young blood run cold in his veins. His heart stood still. What's all this? Eh, what? Said the tones of the wronged uncle. Oswald spoke up and said it was jungles we were playing and he didn't know what was up with Daisy. He explained as well as anyone could but words were now in vain. The uncle had a malacca cane in his hand and we were but it all prepared to meet the sudden attack. Oswald and H.O. caught it worst. The other boys were under the tigers and of course my uncle would not strike a girl. Denny was a visitor and so got off. But it was bread and water for us for the next three days and our own rooms. I will not tell you how we sought to vary the monotonousness of imprisonment. Oswald thought of taming a mouse but he could not find one. The reason of the wretched captives might have given way but for the gutter that you can crawl along from our room to the girls but I will not dwell on this because you might try it yourselves and it really is dangerous. When my father came home we got the talking too and we said we were sorry and we really were especially about Daisy although she had behaved with muffishness and then it was settled that we were to go to the country and later we had grown into better children. Albert's uncle was writing a book in the country and we were to go to his house. We were glad of this, Daisy and Denny too. This we bore nobly. We knew we had deserved it. We were all very sorry for everything and we resolved that for the future we would be good. I am not sure whether we kept this resolution or not. Oswald thinks now perhaps we made a mistake in trying so very hard to be good all at once. You should do everything by degrees. Post script. It turned out Daisy was not really dead at all. It was only fainting. So like a girl. No to Bene. Pintcher was found on the drawing room sofa. Appendix. I have not told you half the things we did for the jungle for instance about the elephants tusks and the horse-hair sofa cushions and uncle's fishing boots. End of Chapter 1 Recording by Hazel and Alan Chant of Tumbridge, Kent, England on the 19th of April, 2007. Chapter 2 of The Would-Be Goods This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Hazel and Alan Chant The Would-Be Goods by Enesbid being the further adventures of the treasure seekers. Chapter 2 The Would-Be Goods When we were sent down into the country to learn to be good we felt it was rather good business because we knew our being sent there was really only to get us out of the way for a little while and we knew right enough that it wasn't a punishment though Mrs Blake said it was because we had been punished thoroughly for taking the stuffed animals out and making a jungle on the lawn with them and the garden hose and you cannot be punished twice for the same offence this is the English law at least I think so and at any rate no one would punish you three times and we had had the malacca cane and the solitary confinement and the uncle had kindly explained to us all that all ill feeling between him and us was wiped out entirely by the bread and water we had endured and what with the bread and water and being prisoners and not being able to tame any mice in our prisons I quite feel that we had suffered it up thoroughly and now we could start fair I think myself that descriptions of places are generally dull but I have sometimes thought that this was because the authors do not tell you what you truly want to know however, dull or not, here goes because you won't understand anything unless I tell you what the place was like the moat house was the one we went to stay at there has been a house there since Saxon times it is a manor and a manor goes on having a house on it whatever happens the moat house was burnt down once or twice in ancient centuries I don't remember which but they always built a new one and Cromwell's soldiers smashed it about but it was patched up again it is a very odd house the front door opens straight into the dining room and there are red curtains and a black and white marble floor like a chess board and there is a secret staircase only it is not secret now only rather rickety it is not very big but there is a watery moat all round it with a brick bridge that leads to the front door then on the other side of the moat there is the farm with barns and host houses and stables or things like that and the other way the garden lawn goes on until it comes to the churchyard the churchyard is not divided from the garden at all except by a little grass bank in the front of the house there is more garden and the big fruit garden is at the back the man the house belongs to likes new houses so he built a big one with conservatories and a stable with a clock and a turret on the top and he left the moat house and Albert's uncle took it and my father was to come down sometimes from Saturday to Monday and Albert's uncle was to live with us all the time and he would be writing a book and we were not to bother him but he would give an eye to us I hope all this is plain I have said it as short as I can we got down rather late but there was still enough light to see the big bell hanging at the top of the house the rope belonging to it went right down the house and threw our bedroom to the dining room H.O. saw the rope and pulled it while he was washing his hands for supper and Dicky and I let him and the bell tolled solemnly Father shouted to him not to and we went down to supper but presently there were many feet trampling on the gravel and father went out to see when he came back he said the whole village or half of it went up to see why the bell rang it's only rung for fires or burglars why can't you kids let things alone? Albert's uncle said bed follows supper as the fruit follows the flower they'll do no more mischief tonight sir tomorrow I will point out a few of the things to be avoided in this bucolic retreat so it was bed directly after supper and that was why we did not see much that night but in the morning we were all up rather early and we seemed to have awakened in a new world rich in surprises beyond the dreams of anybody as it says in the quotation we went everywhere we could in the time but when it was breakfast time we felt we had not seen half or a quarter the room we had breakfast in was exactly like in a story black oak panels and china in corner cupboards with glass doors these doors were locked there were green curtains and honeycomb for breakfast after Brecca my father went back to town and Albert's uncle went too to see publishers we saw them to the station and father gave us a long list of what we weren't to do it began with don't pull ropes unless you are quite sure what will happen at the other end and it finished with for goodness sake try to keep out of mischief till I come down on Saturday there were lots of other things in between we all promised we would and we saw them off and waved till the train was quite out of sight then we started to walk home Daisy was tired so Oswood carried her home on his back when we got home she said I do like you Oswood she is not a bad little kid and Oswood felt it was his duty to be nice to her because she was a visitor then we looked all over everything it was a glorious place you did not know where to begin we were all a little tired before we found the hay loft but we pulled ourselves together to make a fort with the trusses of hay great square things and we were having a jolly good time all of us when suddenly a trap door opened and a head bopped up with a straw in its mouth we knew nothing about the country then and the head really did scare us rather though of course we found out directly that the feet belonging to it were standing on the bar of the loose box underneath the head said don't you let the governor catch you a spoiling of that there hay and that's all and it spoke thickly because of the straw it is strange to think how ignorant you were in the past we can hardly believe it now we really did not know that it spoiled hay to mess about with it horses don't like to eat it afterwards always remember this when the head had explained a little more it went away and we turned the handle of the chaff cutting machine nobody got hurt though the head had said we should cut our fingers off if we touched it and then we sat down on the floor which is dirty with the nice clean dirt that is more than half chopped hay and those there was room for hung their legs down out of the top door and we looked down at the farmyard which is very slushy when you get down into it but most interesting then Alice said now we're all here and the boys are tired enough to sit still for a minute I want to have a council we said what about and she said I'll tell you H.O. don't wriggle so sit on my frock if the straw tickles your legs you see he wears socks and so he can never be quite as comfortable as anyone else promise not to laugh Alice said getting very red and looking at Dora who got red too we did and then she said Dora and I have talked this over and Daisy too and we have written it down because it is easier than saying it shall I read it or will you Dora Dora said it didn't matter Alice might so Alice read it and though she gabbled a bit we all heard it I copied it afterwards this is what she read new society for being good in I Dora Bastable and Alice Bastable my sister being of sound mind and body when we were shut up with bread and water on that jungle day we thought a great deal about our naughty sins and we made our minds up to be good for ever after and we talked to Daisy about it and she had an idea so we want to start a society for being good in it's Daisy's idea but we think so too you know Dora interrupted when people want to do good things they always make a society there are thousands there's the missionary society yes said Alice and the society for the prevention of something or other and the young men's mutual improvement society and the SPG what's the SPG Oswood asked society for the propagation of the Jews of course said Noel who cannot always spell no it isn't but do let me go on Alice did go on we promise to get up a society with a chairman and a treasurer and secretary and keep a journal book saying what we've done if that doesn't make us good it won't be my fault the aim of the society is nobleness and goodness and great and unselfish deeds we wish not to be such a nuisance to grown up people and to perform prodigies of real goodness we wish to spread our wings here Alice read very fast she told me afterwards Daisy had helped her with that part and she thought when she came to the wings they sounded rather silly to spread our wings and rise above the kind of interesting things that you ought not to do but to do kindness to all however low and mean Denny was listening carefully now he nodded three or four times little words of kindness he said little deeds of love make this earth an eagle like the one above this did not sound right but we let it pass because an eagle does have wings and we wanted to hear the rest of what the girls had written but there was no rest that's all said Alice and Daisy said don't you think it's a good idea that depends Oswald answered who is president and what you mean by being good Oswald did not care very much for the idea himself because being good is not the sort of thing he thinks it is proper to talk about especially before strangers but the girls and Denny seemed to like it so Oswald did not say exactly what he thought especially as it was Daisy's idea this was true politeness I think it would be nice Noel said if we made it a sort of play let's do the pilgrim's progress we talked about that for some time but it did not come to anything because we all wanted to be Mr. Greatheart except H.O. who wanted to be the lions and you could not have lions in our society for goodness Dicky said he did not wish to play if it meant reading books about children who'd die he really felt just as Oswald did about it he told me afterwards but the girls were looking as if they were in Sunday school and we did not wish to be unkind at last Oswald said well let's draw up the rules of the society and choose the president and settle the name Dora said Oswald should be president and he modestly consented she was secretary and Denny treasurer if we ever had any money making the rules took us all the afternoon they were these rules number one every member is to be as good as possible number two there is to be no more jaw than necessary about being good Oswald and Dicky put that rule in number three no day must pass without our doing some kind action to a suffering fellow creature number four we are to meet every day or as often as we like number five we are to do good to people we don't like as often as we can number six no one is to leave the society without the consent of all the rest of us number seven the society is to be kept a profound secret from all the world except us number eight the name of our society is and when we got as far as that we all began to talk at once Dora wanted it called the society for humane improvement Denny said the society for reformed outcast children but Dicky said no we really were not as bad as all that then H.O. said call it the good society or the society for being good in said Daisy or the society of goods said no that's priggish said Oswald besides we don't know whether we shall be so very you see Alice explained we only said if we could we would be good well then Dicky said getting up and beginning to dust the chopped hay off himself call it the society of the would be goods and have done with it Oswald thinks Dicky was getting sick of it and wanted to make himself a little disagreeable if so he was doomed to disappointment for everyone else clapped their hands and called out that's the very thing then the girls went off to write out the rules and took H.O. with them and Noel went to write some poetry to put in the minute book that's what you call the book that a society's secretary writes what he does in Denny went with him to help he knows a lot of poetry I think he went to a ladies school where they taught nothing but that he was rather shy of us but he took to Noel I can't think why Dicky and Oswald walked around the garden and told each other what they thought of the new society I'm not sure we ought to have put our foot down at the beginning Dicky said I don't see much in it anyhow it pleases the girls Oswald said for he is a kind brother but we're not going to stand jaw and words in season and loving sisterly warnings I tell you what it is Oswald we'll have to run this thing our way or it'll be jolly beastly for everybody Oswald saw this plainly we must do something Dicky said it's very very hard though still there must be some interesting things that are not wrong I suppose so Oswald said but being good is so much like being a muff generally anyhow I'm not going to smooth the pillows of the sick or read to the aged poor or any rot out of ministering children no more am I Dicky said he was chewing a straw like the head had in its mouth but I suppose we must play the game fair let's begin by looking out for something useful to do something like mending things or cleaning them not just showing off boys in books chop kindling wood and save their pennies to buy tea and tracts little beasts said Dick I say let's talk about something else and Oswald was glad to for he was beginning to feel jolly uncomfortable we were all rather quiet at tea and afterwards Oswald played drafts with Daisy and the others yawned I don't know when we've had such a gloomy evening and everyone was horribly polite and said please and thank you far more than requisite Albert's uncle came home after tea he was jolly and told us stories but he noticed us being a little dull and asked what blight had fallen on our young lives Oswald could have answered and said it is the society of the would-be goods that is the blight but of course he didn't and Albert's uncle said no more but he went up and kissed the girls when they were in bed and asked them if there was anything wrong and they told him no on their honor the next morning Oswald awoke early the refreshing beams of the morning sun shone on his narrow white bed and on the sleeping forms of his dear little brothers and Denny who had got the pillow on top of his head and was snoring like a kettle when it sings Oswald could not remember at first what was the matter with him and then he remembered the would-be goods and wished he hadn't he felt at first as if there was nothing you could do and even hesitated to buzz a pillow at Denny's head but he soon saw that this could not be so he chucked his boot and caught Denny right in the waistcoat part and thus the day began more brightly than he had expected Oswald had not done anything out of the way good the night before except that when no one was looking he polished the brass candlestick in the girl's bedroom with one of his socks and he might just as well have let it alone for the servants cleaned it again with the other things in the morning and he could never find the sock afterwards there were two servants one of them had to be called Mrs. Pettigrew instead of Jane and Eliza like others she was cook and managed things after breakfast Albert's uncle said I now seek the retirement of my study at your peril violate my privacy before 130 sharp nothing short of bloodshed will warrant the intrusion and nothing short of man or rather boy slaughter shall avenge it so we knew he wanted to be quiet and the girls decided that we ought to play out of doors so as not to disturb him we should have played out of doors anyway on a jolly fine day like that but as we were going out Dickie said to Oswald I say come along here a minute will you so Oswald came along and Dickie took him into the other parlour and shut the door and Oswald said well spit it out what is it he knows that it is vulgar and he would not have said it to anyone but his own brother Dickie said it's a pretty fair nuisance I told you how it would be and Oswald was patient with him and said what is don't be all day about it Dickie fidgeted about a bit and then he said well I did as I said I looked about for something useful to do and you know that dairy window that wouldn't open only a little bit like that well I mended the catch with wire and whip-cord and it opened wide and I suppose they didn't want it mended said Oswald he knew but too well that grown-up people sometimes like to keep things far different from what we would and you catch it if you try to do otherwise I don't have minded that Dickie said because I could easily have taken it off again if they'd only said so but the sillies went and propped up a milk-pan against the window they never took the trouble to notice I had mended it so the wretched thing pushed the window open all by itself directly they propped it up and it tumbled through into the moat and they are most awfully waxy all the men are out in the fields and they haven't any spare milk-pans if I were a farmer I must say I wouldn't stick at an extra milk-pan or two accidents must happen sometimes I call it mean Dickie spoke in savage tones but Oswald was not so unhappy first because it wasn't his fault and next because he is a far-seeing boy never mind he said kindly keep your tail up we'll get the beastly milk-pan out all right come on he rushed hastily to the garden and gave a low signifying whistle which the others know well enough to mean something extra being up and when they were all gathered round him he spoke fellow countrymen he said we are going to have a rousing good time it's nothing naughty is it days he asked like the last time you had that was rousingly good Alice said shh and Oswald pretended not to hear a precious treasure he said has inadvertently been laid low in the moat by one of us the rotten thing tumbled in by itself Dickie said Oswald waved his hand and said anyhow it's there it is our duty to restore it to its sorrowing owners I say look here we're going to drag the moat everyone brightened up at this it was our duty and it was interesting too this is very uncommon so we went out to where the orchard is at the other side of the moat there were goose-brisen things on the bushes but we did not take any till we had asked if we might Alice went and asked Mrs. Pettigrewd said law I suppose so you'd eat him anyhow leave or no leave she little knows the honourable nature of the house of basketball but she has much to learn the orchard slopes gently down to the dark quarters of the moat we sat there in the sun and talked about dragging the moat till Denny said how do you drag moats and we were speechless because though we had read many times about a moat being dragged for missing airs and lost wheels we really had never thought about exactly how it was done grappling irons are right I believe Denny said but I don't suppose they'd have any at the farm and we asked and found they had never even heard of them I think myself he meant some other word but he was quite positive so then we got a sheet off Oswald's bed and we all took our shoes and stockings off and we tried to see if the sheet would drag the bottom of the moat which is shallow at that end but it would keep floating on the top of the water and when we tried sewing stones into one end of it it stuck on something in the bottom and when we got it up it was torn we were very sorry and the sheet was in an awful mess but the girls said they were sure they could wash it in a basin in their room and we thought as we had torn it anyway we might as well go on that washing never came off no human being Noel said knows half the treasures hidden in this dark tarn and we decided we would drag a bit more at that end and work gradually round to under the dairy window where the milk pan was we could not see that part very well because of the bushes that grow between the cracks of the stones where the house goes down into the moat and opposite the dairy window the barn goes straight down into the moat too it's like pictures of Venice but you cannot get opposite the dairy window anyhow we got the sheet down again when we had tied the torn parts together in a bunch with a string and Oswald was just saying now then my heart is pulled together pull with a will one two three when suddenly Dora dropped her bit of the sheet with a piercing shriek and cried out oh it's all wormy at the bottom I felt them wriggle and she was out of the water almost before the words were out of her mouth other girls all scuttled out too and they let the sheet go in such a hurry that we had no time to study ourselves and one of us went right in and the rest got wet up to our waistbands the one who went right in was only H.O. but Dora made an awful fuss and said it was our fault we told her what we thought and it ended in the girls going in with H.O. to change his things we had some more gooseberries while they were gone Dora was in an awful wax when she went away but she is not of a sullen disposition although sometimes hasty and when they all came back we saw that it was all right so we said what shall we do now Alice said I don't think we need drag anymore it's wormy I felt it when Dora did and besides the milk pan is sticking a bit of itself out of the water I saw it through the dairy window couldn't we get it up with fish hooks? Null said but Alice explained that the dairy was now locked up and the key taken out so then Oswood said look here we'll make a raft we should have to do it some time and we might as well do it now I saw an old door in that corner stable that they don't use you know the one where they chopped the wood we got the door we had never made a raft any of us but the way to make rafts is better described in books so we knew what to do we found some nice little tubs stuck up on the fence of the farm garden and nobody seems to want them for anything just then so we took them Denny had a box of tools someone had given him for his last birthday they were rather rotten little things but the gimlet worked all right so we managed to make holes in the edges of the tubs and fasten them with string under the four corners of the old door this took us a long time Albert's uncle asked us at dinner what we had been playing at and we said it was a secret and it was nothing wrong you see we wished to atone for Dickie's mistake before anything more was said the house has no windows in the side that faces the orchard the rays of the afternoon sun were beaming along the orchard grass when at last we launched the raft she floated out beyond reach with the last shove of the launching but Oswald waded out and towed her back he is not afraid of worms yet if he had known of the other things that were in the bottom of the moat he would have kept his boots on so would the others especially Dora as you will see at last the gallant craft rode upon the waves we manned her though not up to our full strength because if more than four got on the water came up to near our knees and we feared that she might found her if over manned Daisy and Denny did not want to go on the raft white mice that they were so that was all right and as Acho had been wet through once he was not very keen Alice promised Noel her best paintbrush if he'd give up and not go because we knew well that the voyage was fraught with deep dangers though the exact danger that lay in wait for us under the dairy window we never even thought of so we four elder ones got on the raft very carefully and even then every time we moved the water swished up over the raft and hid our feet but I must say it was a jolly decent raft Dickie was captain because it was his adventure we had hot poles from the hop garden beyond the orchard to punt with we made the girls stand together in the middle and to hold on to each other to keep steady then we christened our gallant vessel we called it the Richard after Dickie and also after the splendid Admiral who used to eat wine glasses and died after the battle of the revenge in Tennyson's poetry then those on shore waved a fond adieu as well as they could with the dampness of their handkerchiefs which we had had to use to dry our legs and feet when we put on our stockings for dinner and slowly and stately the good ship moved away from the shore riding on the waves as though they were her native element we kept her going with the hop poles and we kept her steady in the same way but we could not always keep her steady enough and we could not always keep her in the wind's eye that is to say she went where we did not want and once she bumped her corner against the barn wall and all the crew had to sit down suddenly to avoid falling overboard into a watery grave of course then the wave swept her decks and when we got up again we said that we should have to change completely before tea but we pressed on undaunted and at last our saucy craft came into port under the dairy window and there was the milk-pan for whose sake we had endured such hardships and privations standing on its edge quite quietly the girls did not wait for orders from the captain as they ought to have done but they cried out, oh here it is and they both reached out to get it anyone who has pursued a naval career will see that of course the raft capsized and for a moment it felt like standing on the roof of the house and the next moment the ship stood up on end and shot the whole crew into the dark waters well boys can swim all right Oswald has swum three times across the Ladywell swimming baths at the shallow end and Dickie is nearly as good but just then we did not think of this though of course if the water had been deep we should have as soon as Oswald could get the muddy water out of his eyes he opened them on a horrid scene Dickie was standing up to his shoulders in the inky waters the raft had righted itself and was drifting gently away towards the front of the house where the bridge is and Dora and Alice were rising from the deep with their hair all plastered over their faces like Venus in the Latin verses there was a great noise of splashing and besides that a feminine voice looking out of the dairy window and screaming Lord love the children it was Mrs. Pettigrew she disappeared at once and we were sorry we were in such a situation that she would be able to get at Albert's uncle before we could afterwards we were not so sorry before a word could be spoken about our desperate position Dora staggered a little in the water and suddenly shrieked oh my foot oh it's a shark I know or a crocodile the others on the bank could hear her shrieking but they could not see us properly they did not know what was happening Noel told me afterwards he never could care for that paintbrush of course we knew it could not be a shark but I thought of Pike which are large and very angry always and I caught hold of Dora she screamed without stopping I shoved her along to where there was a ledge of brickwork and shoved her up till she could sit on it then she got her foot out of the water still screaming it was indeed terrible the thing she had thought was a shark came up with her foot and it was a horrid jagged old meat tin and she had put her foot right into it Oswood got it off and directly he did so blood began to pour from the wounds the tin edges had cut it in several spots it was very pale blood because her foot was wet of course she stopped screaming and turned green I thought she was going to faint like Daisy did on the jungle day Oswald held her up as well as he could but it really was one of the least agreeable moments in his life for the raft was gone and she couldn't have waded back anyway and we didn't know how deep the moat might be in other places but Mrs. Pettigrew had not been idle she is not a bad sort really just as Oswald was wondering whether he could swim after the raft and get it back a boat's nose shot out from under a dark archway a little further up under the house it was the boat house and Albert's uncle had got the punt and took us back in it when we had regained the dark arch where the boat lives we had to go up the cellar stairs Dora had to be carried there was but little to be said to us that day we were sent to bed those who had not been on the raft the same as the others for they owned up all right and Albert's uncle is the soul of justice next day but one was Saturday father gave us a talking to with other things the worst was when Dora couldn't get her shoe on so they sent for the doctor and Dora had to lie down forever so long it was indeed poor luck when the doctor had gone Alice said to me it is hard lines but Dora is very jolly about it Daisy's been telling her about how we should all go to her with our little joys and sorrows and things and about the sweet influence from a sick bed that can be felt all over the house like in what Katie did and Dora said she hoped she might prove a blessing to us all while she's laid up Oswood said he hoped so but he was not pleased because this sort of jaw was exactly the sort of thing he and Dicky didn't want to have happen the thing we got it hottest for was those little tubs off the garden railings they turned out to be butter tubs that have been put out there to sweeten but as Denny said after the mud in that moat not all the perfumes of some where or other could make them fit to use for butter again I own this was rather a bad business yet we did not do it to please ourselves but because it was our duty but that made no difference to our punishment when father came down did this mistake occur before? The Would-Be-Goods by E. Nesbitt being the further adventures of the treasure-seekers Chapter 3 Bill's Tombstone there were soldiers riding down the road on horses two and two that is the horses were two and two and the men not because each man was riding one horse and leading another to exercise them they came from Chatham Barracks we all drew up in a line outside the churchyard wall and saluted as they went by though we had not read Toadly Lion then we have since it is the only decent book I have ever read written by Toadly Lion's author the others are mere people but many people like them in Sir Toadly Lion the officer salutes the child there was only a lieutenant with those soldiers and he did not salute me he kissed his hands to the girls and a lot of the soldiers behind kissed theirs too we waved ours back next day we made a union jack out of pocket handkerchiefs and part of a red flannel petticoat of the white mouses which she did not want just then and some blue ribbon we got at the village shop then we watched for the soldiers and after three days they went by again by two and twos as before it was A1 we waved our flag and we shouted we gave them three cheers Oswald can shout loudest so as soon as the first man was level with us not the advance guard but the first of the battery he shouted three cheers for the queen and the British army and we waved the flag and bellowed Oswald stood on the wall to bellow better and Denny waved the flag because he was a visitor and so politeness made us let him enjoy the fat of whatever there was going the soldiers did not cheer that day they only grinned and kissed their hands the next day we all got up as much like soldiers as we could Acho and Noel had tin swords and we asked Albert's uncle to let us wear some of the real arms that are on the wall in the dining room and he said yes if we would clean them up afterwards but we jolly well cleaned them up first with brook soap and brick dust and vinegar and the knife polish invented by the great and immortal Duke of Wellington in his spare time when he was not conquering Napoleon three cheers for our iron duke and with emery paper and wash leather and whitening Oswald wore a cavalry sabre in its sheath Alice and the mouse had pistols in their belts large old flint locks with bits of red flannel between the flints Denny had a navel cutlass, a very beautiful blade and old enough to have been at Trafalgar I hope it was the others had French sword bayonets that were used in the Franco-German war they are very bright when you get them bright but the sheaths are hard to polish each sword bayonet has the name on the blade of the warrior who once wielded it I wonder where they are now perhaps some of them died in the war poor chaps but it is a very long time ago I should like to be a soldier it is better than going to the best schools and to Oxford afterwards even if it is bailiol you go to Oswald wanted to go to South Africa for a bugler but father would not let him and it is true that Oswald does not yet know how to bugle though he can play the infantry advance and the charge and the halt on a penny whistle Alice taught them to him with the piano out of the red book father's cousin had when he was in the fighting fifth Oswald cannot play the retire and he would scorn to do so but I suppose a bugler has to play what he is told no matter how galling to the young boy's proud spirit the next day being thoroughly armed we put on everything red white and blue that we could think of night-shirts are good for white and you don't know what you can do with red socks and blue jerseys till you try and we waited by the churchyard war for the soldiers when the advance guard or whatever you call it of artillery it's that for infantry I know came by we got ready and when the first man of the first battery was level with us Oswald played on his penny whistle the advance and the charge and then shouted three cheers for the queen and the British army this time they had the guns with them and every man of the battery cheered too it was glorious it made you tremble all over the girls said it made them want to cry but no boy would own to this even if it were true it is babyish to cry but it was glorious and Oswald felt differently to what he ever did before then suddenly the officer in front said battery halt and all the soldiers pulled their horses up and the great gun stopped too then the officer said sit at ease and something else and the sergeant repeated it and some of the men got off their horses and lit their pipes and some sat down on the grass edge of the road holding their horses bridles we could see all of the arms and accoutrements plain as plain then the officer came up to us we were all standing on the wall that day except Dora who had to sit because her foot was bad but we let her have the three edged rapier to wear and the blunderbuster hold as well it has a brass mouth and is like in Mr. Caldicott's pictures he was a beautiful man the officer like a viking very tall and fair with moustaches very long and bright blue eyes he said good morning so did we then he said you seem to be a military lot we said we wished we were and patriotic said he Alice said she shall jolly well think so then he said he had noticed us there for several days and he had halted the battery because he thought we might like to look at the guns alas there are but too few grown up people so far seeing and thoughtful as this brave and distinguished officer we said oh yes and then we got off the wall and that good and noble man showed us the string that moves the detonator and the breach block when you take it out and carry it away the gun is in vain to the enemy even if he takes it and he let us look down the gun to see the rifling all clean and shiny and he showed us the ammunition boxes but there was nothing in them he also told us how the gun was unlimbered this means separating the gun from the ammunition carriage and how quick it could be done but he did not make the men do this because they were resting there were six guns each had painted on the carriage in white letters 15 PR which the captain told us meant 15 pounder I should have thought the gun weighed more than 15 pounds Dora said it would if it was beef but I suppose wood and gun are lighter and the officer explained to her very kindly and patiently that 15 PR meant the gun could throw a shell weighing 15 pounds when we had told him how jolly it was to see the soldiers go by so often he said you won't see us many more times we are ordered to the front and we sail on Tuesday week and the guns will be painted mud colour and the men will wear mud colour too and so shall I the men looked very nice though they were not wearing their buzzbys but only tommy caps put on all sorts of ways we were very sorry they were going but Oswald as well as others looked with envy on those who would soon be allowed being grown up and no nonsense about your education to go and fight for their queen and country then suddenly Alice whispered to Oswald and he said all right but tell him yourself so Alice said to the captain will you stop next time you pass he said I'm afraid I can't promise that Alice said you might there's a particular reason he said what which was a natural remark not rude as it is with children Alice said we want to give the soldiers a keepsake and we'll write to ask my father he's very well off just now look here if we're not on the wall when you come by don't stop but if we are please please do the officer pulled his moustache and looked as if he did not know but at last he said yes and we were very glad though but Alice and Oswald knew the dark but pleasant scheme at present fermenting in their youthful nuts the captain talked a lot to us at last Noel said I think you are like diomid of the golden collar but I should like to see your sword out and shining in the sun like burnished silver the captain laughed and grasped the hilt of his good blade but Oswald said hurriedly don't not yet we shan't ever have a chance like this if you'd only show us the pursuing practice Albert's uncle knows it but he only does it on an armchair because he hasn't a horse and that brave and swagger captain did really do it he rode his horse right into our gate when we opened it and showed us all the cuts, thrusts and guards there are four of each kind it was splendid the morning sun shone on his flashing blade his good steed stood with all its legs far apart and stiff on the lawn then we opened the paddock gate and he did it again while the horse galloped as if upon the bloody battlefield among the fierce foes of his native land and this was far more ripping still then we thanked him very much and he went away taking his men with him and the guns of course then we wrote to my father and he said yes as we knew he would and next time the soldiers came by but they had no guns this time only the captive Arabs of the desert we had the keepsakes ready in a wheelbarrow and we were on the churchyard wall and the bold captain called an immediate halt then the girls had the splendid honour and pleasure of giving a pipe and four whole ounces of tobacco to each soldier then we shook hands with the captain and the sergeant and the corporals and the girls kissed the captain I can't think why girls will kiss everybody and we all cheered for the queen it was grand and I wish my father had been there to see how much you can do with twelve pounds if you order things from the stores we have never seen those brave soldiers again I have told you all this to show you how we got so keen about soldiers and why we sought to aid and abet the poor widow at the white cottage in her desolate and oppressiveness her name was Simpkins and her cottage was just beyond the churchyard on the other side from our house on the different military occasions which I have remarked upon this widow woman stood at her garden gate and looked on and after the cheering she rubbed her eyes with the apron Alice noticed this slight but signifying action we feel quite sure Mrs. Simpkins liked soldiers and so we felt friendly to her but when we tried to talk to her she would not she told us to go along with us, do and not bother her and Oswald with his usual delicacy and good breeding made the others do as she said but we were not to be thus repulsed with impunity we made complete but cautious inquiries and found out that the reason she cried when she saw soldiers was that she had only one son, a boy he was twenty-two and he had gone to the war last April so that she thought of him when she saw the soldiers and that is why she cried because when your son is at the wars you always think he is being killed I don't know why, a great many of them are not if I had a son at the wars I should never think he was dead till I heard he was and perhaps not then considering everything after we had found this out we held a council Dora said we must do something for the soldiers widowed mother we all agreed but added what? Alice said the gift of money might be deemed an insult by that proud patriotic spirit besides we haven't more than eighteen pence among us we had put what we had to father's twelve pounds to buy the back end pipes the mouse then said couldn't we make her a flannel petticoat and leave it without a word upon her doorstep but everyone said flannel petticoats in this weather and that was no go Noel said he would write her a poem but Oswald had a deep inward feeling that Mrs. Simpkins would not understand poetry many people do not H.O. said why not sing rule Britannia under her window after she had gone to bed like weights but no one else thought so Denny thought we might get up a subscription for her among the wealthy and affluent but we said again that we knew money would be no balm to the haughty mother of a brave British soldier what we want Alice said is something that will be a good deal of trouble to us and some good to her a little help is worth a deal of poetry said Denny I should not have said that myself Noel did look sick what does she do that we can help in Dora asked besides she won't let us help H.O. said she does nothing but work in the garden at least if she does anything inside you can't see it because she keeps the door shut then at once we saw we all agreed to get up the very next day ere yet the rosy dawn had flushed the east and have a go at Mrs. Simpkins garden we got up we really did but too often when you mean to overnight it seems so silly to do it when you come to waking up in the Dewy Mourn we crept downstairs with our boots in our hands Denny is rather unlucky though a most careful boy it was he who dropped his boot and it went blundering downstairs echoing like thunderbolts and waking up Albert's uncle but when we explained to him that we were going to do some gardening he let us and went back to bed everything is very pretty and different in the early morning before people are up I have been told this is because the shadows go a different way from what they do in the awake part of the day but I don't know Noel says the fairies have just finished tidying up then anyhow it all feels quite otherwise we put on our boots in the porch and we got our gardening tools and we went down to the white cottage it is a nice cottage with a thatched roof like in the drawing copies you get at girls' schools and you do the thatch if you can with a BB pencil if you cannot you just leave it it looks just as well somehow when it's mounted and framed we looked at the garden it was very neat only one patch was coming up thick with weeds I could see ground soul and chickweed and others as I did not know we set to work with a will we used all our tools spades forks hose and rakes and Dora worked with the trowel sitting down because her foot was hurt we cleared the weedy patch beautifully scraping off all the nasty weeds and leaving the nice clean brown dirt we worked as hard as ever we could and we were happy because it was unselfish toil and no one thought then of putting it in the book of golden deeds where we had agreed to write down our virtuous actions and the good doings of each other when we happened to notice them we had just done and we were looking at the beautiful production of our honest labour when the cottage door burst open and the soldier's widowed mother came out like a royal tornado and her eyes looked like youpuss trees death to the beholder you wicked meddlesome nasty children she said ain't you got enough of your own good ground to runch up and spoil but you must come into my little lot some of us were deeply alarmed but we stood firm we have only been weeding your garden Dora said we wanted to do something to help you you ratted little busy bodies she said it was indeed hard but everyone in Kent says dratted when they are cross it's my turnips she went on you've hoed up and my cabbages my turnips that my boys sewed before he went there get along with you doer for I come after you with my broom handle she did come at us with her broom handle as she spoke and even the boldest turned and fled Oswood was even the boldest they looked like weeds right enough he said and Dickie said it all comes of trying to do golden deeds this was when we were out in the road as we went along in a silence full of gloomy remorse we met the postman he said here's the letters for the moat and passed on hastily he was a bit late when we came to look through the letters which were nearly all for Albert's uncle we found there was a postcard that had got stuck in a magazine wrapper Alice pulled it out it was addressed to Mrs. Simpkins we honorably only looked at the address although it is allowed by the rules of honorableness to read postcards that come to your house if you like even if they are not for you after a heated discussion Alice and Oswood said they were not afraid whoever it was and they retraced their steps Alice holding the postcard right way up so that we should not look at the lettery part of it but only the address with quick beating heart but outwardly unmoved they walked up to the white cottage door it opened with a bang when we knocked well Mrs. Simpkins said and I think she said it what people in books call sourly Oswood said we are very very sorry we spoiled your turnips and we will ask my father to try and make it up to you in some way she muttered something about not wanting to be beholden to anybody we came back Oswood went on with his always unruffled politeness because the postman gave us a postcard in mistake with our letters and it is addressed to you we haven't read it Alice said quickly I think she needn't have said that of course we hadn't but perhaps girls know better than we do what women are likely to think you capable of the soldier's mother took the postcard she snatched it really but took is a kind of word considering everything and she looked at the address a long time then she turned it over and read what was on the back then she drew her breath in as far as it would go and caught hold of the door-post her face got awful it was like the wax face of a dead king I saw once at Madame Tussaud's Alice understood she caught hold of the soldier's mother's hand and said oh no it's not your boy Bill and the woman said nothing but shoved the postcard into Alice's hand and we both read it and it was her boy Bill Alice gave her back the card she had held on to the woman's hand all the time and now she squeezed the hand and held it against her face but she could not say a word because she was crying so the soldier's mother took the card again and she pushed Alice away but it was not an unkind push and she went in and shut the door and as Alice and Oswald went down the road Oswald looked back and one of the windows of the cottage had a white blind afterwards the other windows had two there were no blinds really to the cottage it was aprons and things she had pinned up Alice cried most of the morning and so did the other girls we wanted to do something for the soldier's mother but you can do nothing when people's sons are shot it is the most dreadful thing to want to do something for people who are unhappy and not to know what to do it was Noel who thought of what we could do at last he said I suppose they don't put up tombstones to soldiers when they die in war but there I mean Oswald said of course not Noel said I dare say you'll think it's silly but I don't care don't you think she'd like it if we put up one to him not in the churchyard of course because we shouldn't be let but in our garden just where it joins on to the churchyard we all thought it was a first rate idea this is what we meant to put on the tombstone here lies Bill Simpkins who died fighting for Queen and Country a faithful son a son so dear a soldier brave lies buried here then we remembered that poor brave Bill was really buried far away in the southern hemisphere if at all so we altered it to a soldier brave we weep for here then we looked out a nice flagstone in the stable yard and we got a cold chisel out of the dentist's toolbox and began but stone cutting is difficult and dangerous work Oswald went at it a bit but he chipped his thumb and it bled so he had to chuck it then Dickie tried and then Denny but Dickie hammered his finger and Denny took all day over every stroke so that by tea time we had only done the H and about half the E and the E was awfully crooked Oswald chipped his thumb over the H we looked at it the next morning and even the most sanguinary of us saw that it was a hopeless task then Denny said why not wood and paint and he showed us how we got a board and two stumps from the carpenters in the village and we painted it all white when that was dry Denny did the words on it it was something like this in memory of Bill Simpkins dead for Queen and Country honour to his name and all other brave soldiers we could not get in what we meant to at first so we had to give up the poetry we fixed it up when it was dry we had to dig jolly deep to get the post to stand up but the gardener helped us then the girls made wreaths of white flowers roses and canterbury bells and lilies and pinks and sweet peas and daisies and put them over the posts and I think if Bill Simpkins had known how sorry we were he would have been glad Oswald only hopes if he falls on the wild battlefield which is his highest ambition that somebody will be as sorry about him as he was about Bill that's all when all was done and what flowers there were over from the wreaths scattered under the tombstone between the posts we wrote a letter to Mrs Simpkins and said Dear Mrs Simpkins we are very very sorry about the turnips and things and we beg your pardon humbly we have put up a tombstone to your brave son and we signed our names Alice took the letter the soldier's mother read it and said something about our aughting to know better than to make fun out of people's troubles with our tombstones and tomfoolery Alice told me she could not help crying she said it's not it's not dear dear Mrs Simpkins do come with me and see you don't know how sorry we are about Bill do come and see we can go through the church yard and the others have all gone in so as to leave it quiet for you do come and Mrs Simpkins did and when she read what we had put up and Alice told her the verse we had not had room for she lent against the wall by the grave I mean the tombstone and Alice hugged her and they both cried bitterly the poor soldier's mother was very very pleased and she forgave us about the turnips and we were friends after that but she always liked Alice the best a great many people do somehow after that we used to put fresh flowers every day on Bill's tombstone and I do believe his mother was pleased though she got us to move it away from the church yard edge and put it in a corner of our garden under a labyrinth where people could not see it from the church but you could from the road though I think she thought you couldn't she came every day to look at the new wreaths when the white flowers gave out we put coloured and she liked it just as well about a fortnight after the erecting of the tombstone the girls were putting fresh wreaths on it when a soldier in a red coat came down the road and he stopped and looked at us he walked with a stick and he had a bundle in a blue cotton handkerchief and one arm in a sling and he looked again and he came nearer and he leaned on the wall so that he could read the black printing on the white paint and he grinned all over his face and he said well I am blessed and he read it all out in a sort of half whisper and when he came to the end where it says and all such brave soldiers he said well I really am I suppose he meant he really was blessed Oswald thought it was like the soldier's cheek so he said I dare say you aren't so very blessed as you think what's it to do with you anyway eh Tommy? of course Oswald knew from Kipling that an infantry soldier is called that the soldier said Tommy is self-young man that's me and he pointed to the tombstone we stood rooted to the spot Alice spoke first then your Bill and you're not dead she said oh Bill I am so glad do let me tell your mother she started running and so did we all Bill had to go slowly because of his leg but I tell you he went as fast as ever he could we all hammered at the soldier's mother's door and shouted come out come out and when she opened the door we were going to speak but she pushed us away and went tearing down the garden path like winking I never saw a grown-up woman run like it because she saw Bill coming she met him at the gate running right into him and caught hold of him and she cried much more than when she thought he was dead and we all shook his hand and said how glad we were the soldier's mother kept hold of him with both hands and I couldn't help looking at her face it was like wax that had been painted on both pink cheeks and the eyes shining like candles and when we had all said how glad we were she said thank the dear Lord for his mercies and she took her boy Bill into the cottage and shut the door we went home and chopped up the tombstone with the wood-axe and had a blazing big bonfire and cheered till we could hardly speak the postcard was a mistake he was only missing there was a pipe and a whole pound of tobacco left over from our keepsake to the other soldiers we gave it to Bill Father is going to have him for under Gardner when his wounds get well he'll always be a bit lame so he cannot fight any more