Welcome, welcome. My name is Simonery, I'm a comedian. I did a show last year called Renegade Plummer. Most of it was about under tent heating and how I came to do it. But I'll start by doing this. All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's play musical statues. You're good. You're all through to the second round. Out. That was easy. Yes, anyway. Getting old, went to a funeral the other day, caught the wreath. I will be doing jokes as well. But anyway, under tent heating, how I came to do that. I was at a McCutliffe comedy festival three years ago and the weather forecast was, it was going to be camping in April in McCutliffe in Wales and the weather forecast was going to be minus five. My wife was Australian and basically if it's under 20 degrees she starts shivering. I don't want to come. I've got three daughters as well, 15, 13, 11 unusual names, but briefly appropriate. Thank you. Anyway, I can sort this. I've been to a lot of festivals, done a lot of camping and a long time thought about it. Is it possible to heat a tent from the outside? Can't have a flame inside a nylon tent, the fumes, everything. This is what I did. I have it here, my basic under tent heating system, which is a saucepan, a camping stove, a 12 volt caravan pump, which is $9.99, eBay. There's one there. Basically you put the saucepan on a camping stove, the pump goes to a hose pipe, hose pipe goes under the tent, backs and forwards, backs and forwards, back in. The water gets heated, it heats the tent, comes back, gets heated again, just goes round and round until either the battery runs out or the gas runs out. When it actually came to it, I did it as a test in the back garden, slept out, it was minus two at that stage, but the tent was warm. I went, yes, I've solved this. When we got to McCutliffe, I made the mistake of thinking, if I used a bigger saucepan that would hold more heat. Yeah, but it takes a lot longer to heat up. So what I ended up doing was standing outside the tent, changing the gas canisters on the little camping stove every half hour, while frost was forming on my shoulders, while my wife and children remained lukewarm. But it did work. The trick is to use a small one. I was thinking about it, and I thought, oh, I'd started talking about it. The year before I'd done a show, and as part of that show, I'd described various things I'd invented, one of which was the umbrella, UN umbrella, which is basically a stick you hold up when it's raining. Because before the invention of the umbrella, there was no choice. When it's raining, either you've got an umbrella or you look like you're ill-prepared. And basically what the umbrella says is, I've thought ahead, but I don't care about water.  And so I was also, and I talked about it, about the under-tent heating thing as well. And then so many people came up to me with gigs going, no, no, that's not a funny idea. That is a product. And so I stopped talking about it, and I thought, you should patent it. And so then I went on the patents office website, and if you get the chance, don't. Basically they say there's two ways to get your patent. One is with the aid of a lawyer, which is prohibitively expensive, the exact phrase. The other is without a lawyer, which is very unlikely to work. They may as well just have a sign saying, go away if you've invented something. Move to another country. And anyway, is it a product? And what market would there be for under-tent heating? I thought, well, there's two markets, glampers and refugees. People who need it and people who don't. And I started thinking about it. Obviously I started thinking, can I improve it? Is there any way of improving it? And for about six months, my mantra every morning was, can I make something that is better than a saucepan? And that was going around my head, better than a saucepan. Firstly, so the system I've got here, which I'll show you afterwards, is just a hosepipe. But I did build a better one with sort of one thick hosepipe. It went to lots of thinner hosepipes because the smaller something is, the greater its surface area to volume ratio, the better it loses heat. So if you've got a pet mouse and it's cold, you want to put a blanket over it. If you've got a pet elephant, don't worry, he'll be fine. And that's probably why elephants have the big flappy ears so they can lose heat. And research may well back this up. So, yeah, can I make something that is better than a saucepan? And then I thought of Stevenson's rocket. Well, Stevenson thought of it, I remembered that he'd done so.  So I knew what I wanted, many thin tubes coming through the volume of water that I wanted heated. And I didn't know how to make that. So I went to a metal working man in Bedford. I live near Bedford, not in it, no one could do that. And I asked him, could you build me this? And he said, wow, I said, I don't know, steel. He said, well, that'll corrode. You want to talk to the aluminium man who he knew. Basically, Bedford's a bit like the Wizard of Oz. And I went to the aluminium man and he said, well, I could build it for you, but you could just build it yourself out of copper. I said, just solder it as well. You don't need weldering, just solder it together. And I said, well, won't it melt? He said, no, no, if you've got water in it, it will never get above 100 degrees. I went, thanks, he could have taken my money. So then I got to work, got some copper tools. Oh, the show was called Renegade Plummer. I did this bit. Ding, ding, ding, ding, Renegade Plummer. What's that? Your boiler's broken? Good. Put a jumper on. Anyway, I could have been a plumber, like my father. He could have been a plumber as well. Come from a long line of men who could have been plumbers. So then I got to work on it with some six millimetre copper pipe, with lots of tubes worked out the surface area of a bottom of a saucepan, because with a saucepan, how it works is the hot gases go along the base of the saucepan and then go off. But if I get the hot gases to go up through the saucepan instead, through the hot tubes, so I built it and here it is. I'll show you this. Oh, it's slipped in. That. It's a prototype. It's not very good. I just used a bit of old drainage pipe, which turned out to be a mistake. I thought it was one piece, but it was starting to keep gluing it. Anyway, you can see there's 13 tubes there and inside there's a 12 volt caravan pump, copper base plate, and that just sits on the camping stove. Then I turned it on and it didn't work at all. The hot gases just didn't want to go up those holes. I didn't give up. I went to Maplins, RIP, and purchased a 12 volt computer fan for £8 and put that on top. That sucked the hot gases through and then this did work. This is better than a saucepan. Thank you.  Even though it was working, instead of one hosepipe, lots of thin hosepipes coming off the big hosepipe, so it loses heat better. I built that, but last year I left it out in the winter and the glue that was holding the pipes together sort of denatured and it leaks. So I've gone back to just using one hosepipe. Why bother? Anyway, even as it was working, I could see little drips of solder falling down into the fire and it felt damp afterwards. I've not used it since, but I can't throw it away.  It's mine, I can't. Anyway, if anyone wants it, I don't want to do it. But I still kept thinking about it and is there any, can I make it any better? I was talking to my dad and he said, what are you up to? I've been working on this under-10 heating system. He said, oh yeah, how's that work? There's a saucepan, a caravan pump, a 12 volt battery. He said, a battery, appalled. I went, yeah, how else are you going to pump water? And then I started, it just stayed, is appalledness, using a battery and a pumped pump water. Is it possible to build something that will pump water without a pump? Just use heat directly. I mean, obviously you could make a steam engine, but then you're going to lose water and steam. He said something, and I started thinking about it. And then I designed and built this, which I shall show you, in my back garden. I haven't brought one with me because I took it apart again to try and improve it. But anyway, yes, probably, I didn't realise you'd be so far away. But anyway, here. And what we have here is, I built this, and there's a heat source that candle things aflame. Water in here and the V things are one-way valves. So the water can only go one way around this system. So what happens is water here gets hotter and hotter and hotter. And when water gets hot, it expands slightly, but it gets hotter and hotter, but it can't go anywhere. It's just going to get hotter and hotter until eventually it turns into steam. And then you get what is called a steam explosion. Water when it turns into steam expands a thousand times. And I built this and it worked. What happens is it expands and you get a big glug, as I call it. So it pushes the water round back into the reservoir at the top. It can't go back that way because of the one-way valve. So it goes round there, big glug of water. And then this tube going down is now filled with steam. But this tube going down is not being heated. So it starts to cool. And then you get a steam implosion. So you get a partial vacuum forming this tube.  And then we're back to square one. And I built this in my back garden and it worked. Not very well, but it worked. But I sat out all day watching it go glug, but slower than that. And I've got witnesses, my children. They weren't very interested. But now I thought, oh, could I improve it? Is there any way of improving that? So then the second version, which is very similar really in what it is. So this reservoir goes down there, goes down. There's your under 10 heating system, comes back, and then goes a lee big condenser kind of affair. So the coolest water in the system goes around the cooling pipe to cool it better. And this didn't work at all. And I have no idea why. Anyway, I started talking about it at gigs again. And I was doing gigging in Sheffield. And a woman came up at the end to buy a DVD of a previous show I'd done. Take cover. And he'll never sell ice creams at that speed. And she said, you should talk to my boyfriend. He's an engineer. And he said, I looked it up online under a steam pump. I was looking up, trying to find you a Google steam pump. I found out about the Newcomen engine, very early steam engine.   But I couldn't find anything that used the explosion followed by the implosion to try and pump water. And I thought, I just felt so alone in the world. Someone else has done this. This should have been invented in the 17th century. And also, I wanted to make it better. I couldn't find a way. I was doing this gig in Sheffield. And he said, you should look up thermofluidics.com. So I did. And they've invented it as well. It turns out, not exactly the same, but very, very similar. And I thought, well, I was elated. I thought, oh, I'm not alone. There's someone else doing this. Good. Maybe I should get in contact with them. And I started writing an email, dearthermofluidics.com. Hello, my name is Simon. I have invented something very similar to what you invented in my back garden. Shall we be friends? I never sent it. And that was that really. So, dear. Any questions? Well, it works. I'll just get it out of the bag. You can see it. Oh, I still kept thinking. Is it possible to make something better than a saucepan? And yes. In addition to the, is it possible to pump water without a pump? Just using heat? Is it possible to make something better than a saucepan? And I invented this, right? Which is a saucepan. And this saucepan is better than a saucepan if you put this around it. But again, it's not a product. It's a bit of plastic with some tinfoil. Basically, if you've got the, oops, put it like that, right? The hot gases, instead of just going along the bottom and then vanishing, they go along the bottom and up the sides. This is 20% better than a saucepan. Thank you. And I have the graphs to prove it. Not on me. Anyway. This is a show I haven't done for a year. And that's all I can remember it. But I'll just fill in the last five minutes or so. Ladies and gentlemen, I shall, just come back for it. I've been selling units in my merchandise. And my book has recently been republished. So if it's all right by you, and even if it isn't, I'm just going to read some jokes. 25 years of my jokes, 30 minutes to read.  Some of them are good. God is a DJ. He doesn't do requests. Sex, if you want it badly, that's how you're going to get it. Do not punish yourself. You deprive the world of its purpose. Thank you. Life is unfair, most admit when pressed. Even those doing the pressing sometimes agree. But is life so unfair we need a lottery, as well as a justice system? Thank you. If a million monkeys were given a million typewriters, eventually one of them might produce the complete works of Shakespeare, but to reach it, would it be worth wading through 400,000 copies of money by Martin Amos? I don't know. I do nothing without a deadline. With a deadline, I do nothing, until the deadline is upon me, and then I panic, which is doing nothing quickly. My dog has no legs, yet still he chews bones. How does a dog with no legs chew bones with a great deal of suspicion I've noticed? Look at the sea, remember the past. Look at the sky, imagine the future. Look at the land and think of the present. And at the most profound place where land, sea and sky are one, there ye shall play volleyball. So, one more. Oh, is a list of dangerous things.    Policemen generally, they're dangerous. It is universally agreed by all policemen that the police have an impossible job to do. Nevertheless, they insist on attempting to do it. This leads to frustration. Scissors that move of their own accord and attempt to cut your genitals off. Sorry, moving on. The electric guitar, like making love, is much improved by a little feedback. Completely ruined by too much.   Only he who lives by the tank shall remain immune. If you'd like to purchase a DVD, a postcard or a book, I'll be selling them out there. Thank you for listening and have a lovely afternoon.


Chapters 27 to 31, Book 9, Volume 1 for LeMorte d'Arthur This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org, read by Kerry Ford of Paikakariki, New Zealand. LeMorte d'Arthur, Volume 1 by Sir Thomas Mallory Book 9, Chapters 27 to 31 Chapter 27, How Damazel Braguane found Tristram sleeping by a well, and how she delivered letters to him from Labir Le Sud. And then he pulled off his helm and washed his visage, and his hands, and so he fell asleep. In the meanwhile came a damazel that had sought Sir Tristram many ways and days within this land, and when she came to the well she looked upon him, and had forgotten him as in remembrance of Sir Tristram. But by his horse she knew him, that height past Brawell, that had been Sir Tristram's horse many years. When he was mad in the forest, Sir Fergus kept him, so this lady, Dame Braguane, abode still till he was awake. So when she saw him wake, she saluted him, and he her again, for I the knew other of old acquaintance. Then she told him how she had sought him long and broad, and there she told him how she had letters from Queen Labir Le Sud. In and on Sir Tristram read them, and what to you well he was glad, for therein was many a piteous complaint. Then Sir Tristram said, Lady Braguane, ye shall ride with me till the tournament be done at the castle of Maidens, and then shall be letters and tidings with you, and then Sir Tristram took his horse and sought lodging, and there he met with a good ancient knight and prayed him to lodge with him. Right so came Sir Gouvernail and Sir Tristram, that was glad of that lady, so this old knight's name was Sir Polonies, and he told of the great tournament that should be at the castle of Maidens, and there Sir Lancelot in thirty-two nights of his blood had ordained shields of Cornwell, and right so there came one unto Sir Polonies. She told him that Sir Poseidies de Blois was come home, then that night held up his hands and thanked God of his coming home, and there Sir Polonies told Sir Tristram that in two years he had not seen his son Sir Poseidies. Sir said Sir Tristram, I know your son well enough for a good night. So on a time Sir Tristram and Sir Poseidies came to their lodgings both at once, and so they unarmed them and put upon them their clothing, and then these two nights each welcomed other when Sir Poseidies understood that Sir Tristram was of Cornwell. He said he was once in Cornwell, and there I jousted a forking mark, and so it happed me at that time to overthrow ten nights, and then came to me Sir Tristram de Leon and overthrew me, and took my lady away from me, and that shall I never forget. But I shall remember me and ever I see my time. Ah, said Sir Tristram, now I understand that you hate Sir Tristram. What team ye, ween ye that Sir Tristram is not able to withstand your malice? Yes, said Sir Poseidies, I know well that Sir Tristram is a noble night, and a much better night than I, yet shall I not owe him my good will. Right as they stood thus talking at a bay window of that castle, they saw many nights riding to and fro toward the tournament, and then was Sir Tristram aware of a likely night, riding upon a great black horse and a black covered shield. What night is that, said Sir Tristram, with the black horse and the black shield? He seemed with a good night, I know him well, said Sir Poseidies, he is one of the best knights of the world. Then is it Sir Lancelot, said Tristram? Nay, said Sir Poseidies, it is Sir Palamides that is yet unchristened. Chapter 28 How Sir Tristram had a fall with Sir Palamides, and how Lancelot overthrew two knights. Then they saw much people of the country salute Sir Palamides, and within a while after they came a squire of the castle that told Sir Polonies that was lord of that castle, that a night with a black shield had smitten down thirteen knights. Their brother, said Sir Tristram, upon Sir Poseidies, let us cast upon us cloaks, and let us go see the play. Not so, said Sir Poseidies, we will not go like knaves thither, but we will ride like men and good knights to withstand our enemies. So they armed and took their horses and great spears, and thither they went there as many knights assayed themselves before the tournament, and Anon, Sir Palamides, saw Sir Poseidies, and then he sent a squire unto him and said, go thou to the yonder knight with the green shield and therein a lion of gold, and say him I require him to choust with me, and tell him that my name is Sir Palamides. When Sir Poseidies understood the request of Sir Palamides, he made him ready, and there Anon they met together. But Sir Poseidies had a fall. Then Sir Tristram dressed him to be revenged upon Sir Palamides, and that Sir Palamides that was ready, and so was not Sir Tristram, and took him at an advantage, and smote him over his horse's tail when he had no spear in his rest. Then start up Sir Tristram and took his horse lightly, and was wroth out of measure, and saw a shame of that fall. Then Sir Tristram sent unto Sir Palamides by Governail, and prayed him to choust with him at his request. Nays said Sir Palamides, as at this time I will not choust with that knight, for I know him better than he weaneth, and if he be wroth, he may write it to mourn at the castle of maidens, where he may see me and many other knights. With that came Sir Dinadan, and when he saw Sir Tristram wroth, he lest not to jape. Low said Sir Dinadan, he may a man prove, be a man never so good, yet may he have a fall, and he was never so wise, but he might be overseen, and he writheth well that never fell. So Sir Tristram was passing wroth, and said to Sir Poseides and to Sir Dinadan, I will revenge me. Right so as they stood talking there, there came by Sir Tristram a likely knight, riding passing soberly and heavily with a black shield. What knight is that? said Sir Tristram unto Sir Poseides. I know him well, said Sir Poseides. For his name is Sir Bryant of North Wales, so he passed on among other knights of North Wales, and there came in Sir Lancelot to Lake, with the shield of arms of Cornwall, and he sent a squire unto Sir Bryant, and required him to joust with him. Well said Sir Bryant, so there I am required to joust, I will do what I may. And there Sir Lancelot smoked down Sir Bryant from his horse a great fall, and then Sir Tristram marveled what knight he was that bear the shield of Cornwall. Whatever he be, said Sir Dinadan, I warrant you hears of King Bann's blood, the witch-be knights of the most noble prowess in the world, for to account so many for so many. Then there came two knights of North Gaelas, the One-Height-U-Delamontaine, the Other-Sermedoc-Delamontaine, and they challenged Sir Lancelot foot-hot. Sir Lancelot not refusing them but made him ready. With one spear he smoked them down both over their horses' crops, and so Sir Lancelot rode his way. By the good Lord, said Sir Tristram, he is a good knight that beareth the shield of Cornwall, and to me seemeth he rideth in the best manner that ever I saw knight ride. Then the King of North Gaelas rode unto Sir Palomides and prayed him heartily for his sake to joust with that knight that hath done us of North Gaelas despite. Sir said Sir Palomides, I am forloth to have a do with that knight, and cause why is, for as to mourn the great tournament shall be, and therefore I will keep myself fresh by my will. Nay said the King of North Gaelas, I pray you require him of jousts. Sir said Sir Palomides, I will joust at your request, and require that knight to joust with me, and often have I seen a man have a fall at his own request. Chapter 29 How Sir Lancelot justed with Palomides and overthrew him, and after he was assailed with twelve knights. Then Sir Palomides sent unto Sir Lancelot a squire and to require him of jousts. Fear fellow said Sir Lancelot, tell me thy Lord's name. Sir said the squire, my Lord's name is Sir Palomides the good knight. In good hour said Sir Lancelot, for there is no knight that I saw the seven years that I had left for a do with all than with him. And so I the knights made them ready with two great spears. Nay said Sir Dinadin, you shall see that Sir Palomides will quit him right well. It may be so said Sir Tristram, but I undertake that that knight with the shield of Cornwall shall give him a fall. I believe it not, said Sir Dinadin. Right so they spurred their horses and futured their spears, and either hit other, and Sir Palomides break his spear upon Sir Lancelot, and he sat and moved not. But Sir Lancelot smote him so lightly that he made his horse to avoid the saddle, and the stroke break his shield and the whore-burk.  How now, said Sir Tristram, I wist well by the manner of their riding, both that Sir Palomides should have a fall. Right so Sir Lancelot rode his way and rode to a well to drink and to repose him, and they of North Gallus aspired him with a he rode, and then there followed him twelve nights to have mischieved him. For this cause that upon the morn at the tournament of the castle of maidens, that he should not win the victory. So they came upon Sir Lancelot suddenly, and underneath he might put upon him his helm and take his horse. But they were in hands with him, and then Sir Lancelot get his spear, and rode through them, and there he slower knight and break his spear in his body. Then he drew his sword and smote upon the right hand and upon the left hand, that within a few strokes he had slain other three nights. And the remnant that abode he wounded them so, all that did abide. Thus Sir Lancelot escaped from his enemies of North Wales, and then Sir Lancelot rode his way to La Frend, and lodged him to London Morn, for he would not the first day have a do in the tournament because of his great labour. And on the first day he was with King Arthur there as, he was set on high upon a scaffold to discern who was best worthy of his deeds. So Sir Lancelot was with King Arthur, and justed not the first day. Chapter 30 How Sir Tristram behaved him the first day of the tournament, and there he had the prize. Now turn we unto Sir Tristram to Leon that commanded Gouvernail his servant, to ordain him a black shield with none other remembrance therein. And so Sir Poseidies and Sir Tristram departed from their house Sir Polonies, and they rode early toward the tournament, and then they drew them to King Caterdos's side of Scotland, and then a non-knights began the field what of King North Gallus's part, and what of King Caterdos's part, and there began great party. Then there was hurling and rashing, right so came in Sir Poseidies and Sir Tristram, and so they did fear that they put the King of North Gallus back. Then came in Sir Bleobaris to Gareth and Sir Gauharis with them of North Gallus, and then was Sir Poseidies smitten down in almost slain, for more than forty horsemen went over him, for Sir Bleobaris did great deeds of arms and Sir Gauharis failed him not. When Sir Tristram beheld them, and saw them do such deeds of arms, he marvelled what they were. Also Sir Tristram thought shame that Sir Poseidies was so done to, and then he get a great spear in his hand, and then he rode to Sir Gauharis and smote him down from his horse, and then was Sir Bleobaris wroth, and get a spear and rode against Sir Tristram in great ire, and there Sir Tristram met with him and smote Sir Bleobaris from his horse, so then the king with the hundred knights was wroth, and he horse Sir Bleobaris and Sir Gauharis again, and there began a great medley, and ever Sir Tristram held them passing short, and ever Sir Bleobaris was passing busy upon Sir Tristram, and there came Sir Dinedan against Sir Tristram, and Sir Tristram gave him such a buffet that he swooned in his saddle. Then and on Sir Dinedan came to Sir Tristram and said, Sir I know thee better than thou weenest, but here I promise thee my troth, I will never come against thee more, for I promise thee that sword of thine shall never come on mine helm. With that came Sir Bleobaris, and Sir Tristram gave him such a buffet that down he laid his head, and then he caught him so sore by the helm that he pulled him under his horse's feet, and then King Arthur blew to lodging, then Sir Tristram departed to his pavilion, and Sir Dinedan rode with him, and Sir Poseidies and King Arthur then, and the kings upon both parties marvelled what night that was with the black shield. Many said their advice and some knew him for Sir Tristram, and held their peace and would not say. So that first day King Arthur, and all the kings and lords that were judges, gave Sir Tristram the prize, albeit they knew him not, but named him the night with the black shield. Chapter 31 How Sir Tristram returned against King Arthur's party, because he saw Sir Palamides on that party. Then upon the mourn, Sir Palamides returned from the King of North Gallus, and rode to King Arthur's side where was King Keredos and the King of Ireland, and Sir Lancelot's kin and Sir Gawain's kin. So Sir Palamides sent the Demosel under Sir Tristram that he seemed to seek him when he was out of his mind in the forest, and this Demosel asked Sir Tristram what he was and what was his name. And for that said Sir Tristram, tell Sir Palamides, he shall not whittest at this time, and at the time I have broken two spears upon him, but let him with this much, said Sir Tristram, that I am the same night that he smoked down in over evening at the tournament, and tell him plainly on what party that Sir Palamides be, I will be of the contrary party. Sir said the Demosel, ye shall understand that Sir Palamides will be on King Arthur's side, where the most noble knights of the world be. In the name of God, said Sir Tristram, then will I be with the King of North Gallus, because Sir Palamides will be on King Arthur's side, and else I would not but for his sake. So when King Arthur was come, they blew unto the field, and then there began a great party, and so King Catedos jousted with the King of the Hundred Knights, and there King Catedos had a fall, then there was hurling and rashing, and right so came in knights of King Arthur's, and they bearer back the King of North Gallus' knights. Then Sir Tristram came in, and began so roughly and so bigly, that there was none might withstand him, and thus Sir Tristram jured long, and at last Sir Tristram fell among the Fellowship of King Bann, and there fell upon him Sir Boar De Gannis, and Sir Ectodamadas, and Sir Blenmore De Gannis, and many other knights. And then Sir Tristram smote on the right hand, and on the left hand, all lords and ladies spake of his noble deeds. But at the last Sir Tristram should have had the worst, had not the King with the Hundred Knights been, and then he came with his Fellowship and rescued Sir Tristram, and brought him away from those knights that bear the shield of Cornwall. And then Sir Tristram saw another Fellowship by themselves, and there were a forty knights together, and Sir Kaye the center-shell was their governor. Then Sir Tristram rode in amongst them, and there he smote down Sir Kaye from his horse, and there he feared among those knights like a greyhound among conies. Then Sir Lancelot found a knight that was so wounded upon the head. Sir said Sir Lancelot, who wounded you so sore? Sir he said, a knight that beareth a black shield, and I may curse the time that ever I met with him, for he is a devil and no man. So Sir Lancelot departed from him, and thought to meet with Sir Tristram, and so he rode with his sword drawn in his hand to seek Sir Tristram. And then he aspired him how he hurled here and there, and at every stroke Sir Tristram well nigh smote down a knight. Oh mercy Jesus said the King, sit the time I bear arms, or I never no knight do so marvellous deeds of arms. And if I should set upon this knight, said Sir Lancelot to himself, I did shame to myself. And there with all Sir Lancelot put up a sword, and then the King with the hundred knights, and a hundred more of North Wales, set upon the twenty of Sir Lancelot's kin. And they twenty knights held them ever together as wild swine, and none would fail other. And so when Sir Tristram beheld the no-bless of these twenty knights, he marvelled of their good deeds, for he saw by their fear and by their rule that they would leave or die than avoid the field.  He meant it by Sir Lancelot to like. So when Sir Tristram had beholded them long, he thought shame to see two hundred knights battering upon twenty knights. Then Sir Tristram rode unto the King with the hundred knights, and said, Sir, leave your fighting with those twenty knights, for ye will know worship of them, ye be so many, and they so few. And wit ye well, they will not out of field, I see by their cheer and countenance, and worship get ye none, and ye slay them. Therefore leave your fighting with them, for I to increase my worship, I will ride to the twenty knights and help them with all my might and power. Nay said the King with the hundred knights, ye shall not do so. Now I see your courage and courtesy, I will withdraw my knights for your pleasure, for evermore a good night will favour another, and like will draw to like. End of Book 9, Chapters 27-31 Book 9, Chapters 32-35, Volume 1 of Le Morte d'Arthur. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Le Morte d'Arthur, Volume 1 by Sir Thomas Mallory. Book 9, Chapters 32-35 Chapter 32 Then the King with the hundred knights withdrew his knights. And all this while, and long to four, Sir Lancelot had watched upon Sir Tristam with a very purpose to have fellowshiped with him. And then suddenly Sir Tristam, Sir Dinadun, and Gurnival, his man, rode their way into the forest, that no man perceived where they went. So then King Arthur blew into lodging, and gave the King of North Gullis the prize, because Sir Tristam was upon his side. Then Sir Lancelot rode here and there, so wood as lion that fought at his fill, because he had lost Sir Tristam, and so he returned unto King Arthur. And then in all the field was a noise, that with the wind it might be heard two miles thence. How the lords and ladies cried, the night with the black shield hath won the field. Alas! said King Arthur, where is that night become? It is shame to all those in the field, so to let him escape away from you. But with gentleness and courtesy you might have brought him unto me, to the castle of maidens. Then the noble King Arthur went unto his knights, and comforted them in the best wise that he could, and said, My fair fellows, be not dismayed, how be it you have lost the field this day. And many were hurt, and sore wounded, and many were whole. My fellows, said King Arthur, Look, that ye be of good cheer, for to-morrow morn I will in the field with you, and revenge you of your enemies. So that night King Arthur and his knights proposed themself. The demiselle that came from Labille-Eçon unto Sir Tristam, all the while the tournament was a-doing, she was with Queen Guinevere, and ever the Queen asked her for what cause she came into that country. Madam, she answered, I come for none other cause, but from my lady, Labille-Eçon, to wit of your welfare. For in no wise would she not tell the Queen that she came for Sir Tristam's sake. So this lady, Dame Brigwine, took her leave of Queen Guinevere, and she rode after Sir Tristam. And as she rode through the forest she heard a great cry. Then she commanded her squire to go into the forest to wit what was that noise. And so he came to a well, and there he found a knight bounden till a tree crying as he had been would, and his horse and his harness standing by him. And when he aspired that squire, therewith he up-braid and break himself loose, and took his sword in his hand, and ran to have slain the squire. Then he took his horse and fled all that ever he might unto Dame Brigwine, and told her of his adventure. Then she rode unto Sir Tristam's pavilion, and told Sir Tristam what adventure she had found in the forest. Alas! said Sir Tristam, upon my head there is some good night at Mischief. Then Sir Tristram took his horse and his sword and rode thither, and there he heard how the knight complained unto himself and said, I, woeful knight, Sir Palamides, what misadventure befalleth me, that I am thus defoiled with falsehood and treason, through Sir Bors and Sir Ector. Alas! he said, why live I so long? And then he got his sword in his hands and made many strange signs and tokens, so that through his raging he threw his sword into that fountain. Sir Palamides wailed and rang his hands, and at the last, for a pure sorrow, he ran into that fountain over his belly and sought after his sword. Then Sir Tristram saw that and ran upon Sir Palamides and held him in his arms fast. What art thou, said Palamides, that holdeth me so? I am a man of this forest that would thee none harm. Alas! said Sir Palamides, I may never win worship where Sir Tristram is, for wherever he is and I be there, then I get no worship, and if he be away for the most part I have the greed, unless that Sir Lancelot be there or Sir Lamarack. Then Sir Palamides said, once in Ireland Sir Tristram put me to the worse and another time in Cornwall and in other places in this land. What would ye do, said Sir Tristram, and ye had Sir Tristram? I would fight with him, said Sir Palamides, and ease my heart upon him, and yet to say thee sooth, Sir Tristram is the gentlest night in this world living. What will ye do, said Sir Tristram, will you go with me to your lodging? Nay, said he, I will go to the king with the Hundred Knights, for he rescued me from Sir Bors de Gannis and Sir Ector, and else I had been slain traitorly. Sir Tristram said to him such kind word that Sir Palamides went with him to his lodging. Then Gournavelle went to Four and charged Dame Brighwayne to go out of the way to her lodging, and bid ye, Sir Percidase, that he make him no quarrels. And so they rode together till they came to Sir Tristram's pavilion, and there Sir Palamides had all the cheer that might be had all that night. But in no wise Sir Palamides might not know what was Sir Tristram, and so after supper they yet to rest, and Sir Tristram, for great travail, slept till it was day. And Sir Palamides might not sleep for anguish, and in the dawning of the day he took his horse privily and rode his way unto Sir Geharus and unto Sir Sangramour Lodzairus, where they were in their pavilions, for they three were fellows at the beginning of the tournament. And then upon the moor, and the king blew unto the tournament upon the third day.  With that came in Sir Palamides, and when he came he made great work, for by his indented shield he was well known. So came in King Arthur, did great deeds of arms together, and put the king of North Gallus and the king with the hundred knights to the worse. With this came in Sir Tristram with his black shield, and anon he jousted with Sir Palamides, and there by fine force Sir Tristram smote Sir Palamides over his horse's croop. Then King Arthur cried, and by night with the black shield make thee ready to me, and in the same wise Sir Tristram smote King Arthur. And then by force of King Arthur's knights the king and Sir Palamides were hoarse again. Then King Arthur with a great eager heart he got a spear in his hand, and there upon the one side he smote Sir Tristram over his horse. Then foot-hot Sir Palamides came upon Sir Tristram as he was upon foot to have overridden him. Then Sir Tristram was aware of him, and there he stooped aside, with great ire he got him by the arm and pulled him down from his horse. Then Sir Palamides lightly arose, and then they dashed together mightily with their swords, and many kings, queens, and lords stood and beheld them. And at the last Sir Tristram smote Sir Palamides upon the helm three mighty strokes, and at every stroke that he gave him he said, This is for Sir Tristram's sake. With that Sir Palamides fell to the earth, grobbling. Then came the king with a hundred knights and brought Sir Tristram an horse, and so he was horsed again. By then was Sir Palamides horsed, and with great ire he jousted upon Sir Tristram with his spear as it was in the rest, and gave him a great dash with his sword. Then Sir Tristram avoided his spear and got him by the neck with both his hands, and pulled him clean out of his saddle, and so he bear him before the length of ten spears, and then in the presence of them all he let him fall at his adventure. Then Sir Tristram was aware of King Arthur with a naked sword in his hand, and with his spear Sir Tristram ran upon King Arthur, and then King Arthur boldly abode him, and with his sword he smote a two his spear, and wherewithal Sir Tristram stoned. And so King Arthur gave him three or four strokes, or he might get out his sword, and at the last Sir Tristram do his sword, and either assailed passing hard. With that the great press departed them. Sir Tristram rode here and there and did his great pain, that eleven of the good nights of the blood of King Ban that was of Sir Lancelot's kin, that day Sir Tristram smote down, that all the estates marveled of his great deeds, and all cried upon the night with the black shield. CHAPTER 34 Then this cry was so large that Sir Lancelot heard it, and then he got a great spear in his hand and came towards the cry. Then Sir Lancelot cried, the night with the black shield, make thee ready to joust with me. When Sir Tristram heard him say so he got his spear in his hand, and either abashed down their heads and came together as thunder, and Sir Tristram's spear break in pieces, and Sir Lancelot, by mal-fortune, struck Sir Tristram on the side, a deep wound nigh to the death. But yet Sir Tristram avoided not his saddle, and so the spear break. Therewithal Sir Tristram, that was wounded, got out his sword, and he rushed to Sir Lancelot. Therewithal Sir Tristram, that was wounded, got out his sword, and he rushed to Sir Lancelot and gave him three great strokes upon the helm that the fire sprang there out, and Sir Lancelot abashed his head lowly toward his saddle-bow. And therewithal Sir Tristram departed from the field, for he felt him so wounded that he weaned he should have died, and Sir Dynadon aspired him and followed him into the forest. Then Sir Lancelot abowed and did many marvelous deeds. So when Sir Tristram was departed by the forest's side, he alighted, and unlaced his harness and freshed his wound, then weaned Sir Dynadon that he should have died. Nay, nay, said Sir Tristram, Dynadon never dread the for I am whole-hearted, and of this wound I shall soon be whole by the mercy of God. By that Sir Dynadon was where, where came Palamides riding straight upon him. And then Sir Tristram was where that Sir Palamides came to have destroyed him. And so Sir Dynadon gave him warning and said, Sir Tristram, my lord, you are now so sore wounded that you may not have a do with him. Therefore I will ride against him and do to him what I may, and if I be slain you may pray for my soul, and in the meanwhile you may withdraw and you go into the castle or in the forest that he shall not meet with you. Sir Tristram smiled and said, Thank you, Sir Dynadon, of your good will, but ye shall wit that I am able to handle him. And then anon hastily he armed and took his horse and a great spear in his hand and rode toward Sir Palamides a soft pace. Then when Sir Palamides saw that he made countenance to amend his horse, but he did it for this cause for he aboved Sir Gehures that came after him. And when he was come he rode toward Sir Tristram. Then Sir Tristram sent unto Sir Palamides and required him to joust with him and if he smote down Sir Palamides he would do no more to him and if it so happened that Sir Palamides smote down Sir Tristram through his utterance. So they were accorded. Then they met together and Sir Tristram smote down Sir Palamides that he had a grievous fall so that he lay still as he had been dead. And then Sir Tristram ran upon Sir Gehures and he would not have jousted but whether he would or not Sir Tristram smote him over his horse's croop that he lay still as though he had been dead. And then Sir Tristram rode his way and left Sir Percides' squire to an old knight's place to lodge them. And that old knight had five sons at the tournament for whom he prayed God heartily for their coming home. And so as the French books sayeth they came home all five well beaten. And when Sir Tristram departed into the forest Sir Lancelot held away the stour like hard as a man enraged that took no heed to himself and wit ye well there was many a noble night against him. And when King Arthur saw Sir Lancelot do so marvelous deeds of arms he then armed him and took his horse and his armor and rode into the field to help Sir Lancelot. And so many nights came in with King Arthur. And to make short tale in conclusion the King of North Gallus and the King of the Hundred Knights were put to the worse. And because Sir Lancelot abode and was the last in the field the prize was given him. But Sir Lancelot would neither for king, queen, nor knight have the prize be filled. Sir Lancelot, Sir Lancelot hath won the field this day Sir Lancelot let make another cry contrary. Sir Tristram hath won the field for he began first and last he hath endured and so hath he done the first day, the second and the third day. CHAPTER XXV Then all the estates and degrees high and low said of Sir Lancelot great worship for the honour that he did unto Sir Tristram and for that honour doing to Sir Tristram he was at that time more praised and renowned than and he had overthrown five hundred knights and all the people holy for this gentleness first the estates both high and low and after the commonality cried at once Sir Lancelot hath won the field whosoever say nay then was Sir Lancelot wroth and ashamed and so therewithal he rode to King Arthur alas said the King we are all dismayed that Sir Tristram is thus departed from us. By God said King Arthur the noblest knights that I ever saw hold spear in sword or hand and the most courteous knight in his fighting for full heart I saw him said King Arthur when he smoked Sir Palomides upon the helm Thrice that he abashed his helm with his strokes and also he said here is a stroke for Sir Tristram and thus Thrice he said then King Arthur Sir Lancelot and Sir Dynadas LeSavage took their horses to seek Sir Tristram and by the means of Sir Pursities he had told King Arthur where Sir Tristram was in his pavilion but when they came there Sir Tristram and Sir Dynadan were gone then King Arthur and Sir Lancelot were heavy and returned again to the castle of maidens making great dull for the herd of Sir Tristram and his sudden departing so God help me said King Arthur I am more heavy that I cannot meet with him than for all the herds that all my knights have had at the tournament right so came Sir Gerhuras and told King Arthur how Sir Tristram had smitten down Sir Palomides and it was at Sir Palomides' own request alas said King Arthur that was great dishonor to Sir Palomides in as much as Sir Tristram was sore wounded and now may we all kings and knights and men of worship say that Sir Tristram may be called a noble knight and one of the best knights that I ever saw the days of my life for I will that she all kings and knights know said King Arthur that I never saw do so marvelously as he had done these three days for he was the first that began and the longest held on saved this last day and though he was hurt it was a manly adventure of two noble knights and when two noble men encountered needs must the one have the worst like as God will suffer at that time as for me said Sir Lancelot for all the lands that ever my father left me I would not have hurt Sir Tristram and I had known him at that time that I hurt him was not for I saw his shield for and had I seen his black shield I would not have meddled with him for many causes for late he did as much for me as ever did knight and that is well known that he had a do with 30 knights and no help save Sir Dinodon and one thing shall I promise said Sir Lancelot Sir Palomides shall repent it as in his unkindly dealing for to follow that noble knight that I by mishap herded thus Sir Lancelot said all the worship that might be said by Sir Tristram then King Arthur made a great feast to all that would come and thus we let past King Arthur and a little while we will turn under Sir Palomides after that he had a fall of Sir Tristram he was nigh hand arranged out of his wit for despite of Sir Tristram and so he followed him by adventure and as he came by a river in his woodness he would have made his horse to have leapt over and the horse failed footing and fell in the river Sir Palomides was a dread lest he should have been drowned and then he avoided his horse and swam to the land and let his horse go down by adventure end of book nine chapters thirty two through thirty five this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org read by Tamriel from Godbox Cafe for that to volume one by Sir Thomas Mallory book nine chapters thirty six to thirty nine chapter thirty six and when he came to the land he took off his harness and sat roaring and crying as a man out of his mind right so came a damsel even by Sir Palomides that was sent from Sir Gawain and his brother under Sir Mordred that lay sick in the same place with that old night where Sir Tristram was for as the French book sayeth surpursities hurt so Sir Mordred at ten days of four and had not been for the love of Sir Gawain and his brother surpursities had slain Sir Mordred and so this damsel came by Sir Palomides and she and he had language together the witch pleased neither of them and so the damsel rode her ways till she came to the old night's place and there she told that old night how she met with the woodiest night by adventure that ever she met with all what bear he in his shield said Sir Tristram it was indented with white and black said the damsel ah said Sir Tristram that was Sir Palomides the good night for well I know him said Sir Tristram for one of the best nights living in this realm then that old night took a little hackney and rode for Sir Palomides and brought him unto his own manner and full well knew Sir Tristram Sir Palomides but he said but little for at that time Sir Tristram was walking upon his feet and well amended of his hurts and always when Sir Palomides saw Sir Tristram he would behold him full marvelously and ever him seemed that he had seen him then what he say unto Sir Tristram and ever I may meet with Sir Tristram he shall not escape mine hands I'm Marvel said Sir Dinadon that ye boast behind Sir Tristram for it is but late that he was in your hands and ye in his hands why would ye not hold him when ye had him for I saw myself twice or thrice that ye get but little worship of Sir Tristram then was Sir Palomides ashamed so leave we them a little while in the old castle with the old night Sir Darris now shall we speak of King Arthur that said to Sir Lancelot had not ye been we had not lost Sir Tristram for he was here daily unto the time you met with him and in an evil time said Arthur ye encountered with him my lord Arthur said Lancelot ye put upon me that I should be cause of his departure God knoweth was against my will but when men be hot in deeds of arms oft they hurt their friends as well as their foes and my lord said Sir Lancelot ye shall understand that Sir Tristram is a man that I am loathe to offend for he hath done for me more than ever I did for him as yet but then Sir Lancelot made bring forth a book and then Sir Lancelot said here we are ten nights that were upon a book never to rest one night where we rest another this twelve month until we find Sir Tristram and as for me said Sir Lancelot I promise you upon this book that and I may meet with him either with fairness or foulness I shall bring him to this court or else I shall die therefore and the names of these ten nights that had undertaken this quest were these following first was Sir Lancelot Sir actor de Maris Sir Bors de Gannis and Blaobaris and Sir Blamour de Gannis and Lucan the butler Sir Uwein Sir Gala had Lionel and Gallaudin so these ten noble nights departed from the court of King Arthur and so they rode upon their quest together until they came to a cross were departed four ways and there was a fellowship in four to seek Sir Tristram and as Sir Lancelot rode by adventure he met with Dame Braguein that was sent into that country to seek Sir Tristram and she fled as fast as her pal free might go so Sir Lancelot met with her and asked her why she fled Ah there night said Dame Braguein I flee for dread of my life for here follow with me Sir Bruce to slay me hold you nigh me said Sir Lancelot then when Sir Lancelot saw Sir Bruce sans peter Sir Lancelot cried unto him and said false night destroyer of ladies and damsels now by last days become when Sir Bruce sans peter saw Sir Lancelot's shield he knew it well for at that time he bear not the arms of Cornwall but he bear his own shield and then Sir Bruce fled and Sir Lancelot followed after him but Sir Bruce was so well horsed that when him list to flee he might well flee and also abide when him list and then Sir Lancelot returned unto Dame Braguein and she thanked him of his great labour Chapter 37 Now will we speak of Sir Lucan the butler that by fortune he came riding to the same place there as was Sir Tristram and in he came in none other tent but to ask harbour then the porter asked what was his name tell your lord that my name is Sir Lucan the butler a knight of the round table so the porter went unto Sir Daraas lord of the place and told him who was there to ask harbour nay nay said Sir Danum that was nephew to Sir Daraas say him that he shall not be lodged here but let him wit that eyes Sir Daname will meet with him and on and bid him make him ready Sir Daname came forth on horseback and there they met together with spears and Sir Lucan smoked down Sir Daname over his horse's croop and then he fled into that place and Sir Lucan rode after him and asked after him many times then Sir Dinadon said to Sir Tristram it is shame to see the lords cousin of this place defoiled abide said Sir Tristram and I shall redress it and in the meanwhile Sir Dinadon was on horseback and he jousted with Lucan the butler and there Sir Lucan smoked Dinadon through the thick of the thigh and so he rode his way and Sir Tristram was rough that Sir Dinadon was hurt and followed after and thought to avenge him and within a while he overtook Sir Lucan and bade him turn and so they met together so that Sir Tristram hurt Sir Lucan passing sore and gave him a fall with that came Sir Uain a gentle knight and when he saw Sir Lucan so hurt he called Sir Tristram to joust with him Fair knight said Sir Tristram tell me your name I require you Sir Knight which ye well my name is Sir Uain the son of Roy Urain ah said Sir Tristram by my will I would not have a do with you at no time ye shall not so said Sir Uain but ye shall have a do with me and then Sir Tristram saw none other boat but rode against him and overthrew Sir Uain and hurt him in the side and so he departed under his lodging again and when Sir Dinadon understood that Sir Tristram had hurt Sir Lucan he would have ridden after Sir Lucan for to have slain him but Sir Tristram would not suffer him then Sir Uain let ordain the horse litter and brought Sir Lucan to the abbey of Gannis and the castle thereby hight the castle of Gannis of the which Sir Bloorbis was lord and at that castle Sir Lancelot promised all his fellows to meet in the quest of Sir Tristram so when Sir Tristram was come to his lodging there came a damsel that told Sir Darris that three of his sons were slain at that tournament and two grievously wounded themselves and all this was done by a noble knight that bear the black shield and that was he that bear the prize then came there one and told Sir Darris that the same night was within him that bear the black shield then Sir Darris yeady unto Sir Tristram's chamber and there he found his shield and showed it to the damsel ah sir said the damsel is he that slew your three sons then without any tarrying Sir Darris put Sir Tristram and Sir Palomides and Sir Dinadon within a strong prison and there Sir Tristram was like to have died of great sickness and every day Sir Palomides would reprove Sir Tristram of old hate betwixt them and even Sir Tristram spake fair and said little but when Sir Palomides saw the falling of sickness of Sir Tristram then was he heavy for him and comforted him in all the best wise he could and as the French book sayeth there came forty nights to Sir Darris that were of his own kin and they would have slain Sir Tristram and his two fellows but Sir Darris would not suffer that but kept them in prison and meet and drink they had so Sir Tristram endured their great pain for sickness had undertaken him and that is the greatest pain a prisoner may have all the while a prisoner may have his health of body he may endure under the mercy of God and in hope of good deliverance but when sickness toucheth a prisoner's body then may a prisoner say all wealth is him bereft and then he hath caused to wail and to weep right so did Sir Tristram when sickness had undertaken him for then he took such sorrow that he had almost slain himself Chapter 38 Now will we speak and leave Sir Tristram, Sir Palamides and Sir Dinodin in prison and speak we of other nights that sought after Sir Tristram many diverse parts of this land and some yed into Cornwall and by adventure Sir Gaharris, nephew unto King Arthur came unto King Mark and there he was well received and sat at King Mark's own table and ate of his own mess then King Mark asked Sir Gaharris what tidings there were in the realm of logris Sir said Sir Gaharris the king reigneth as a noble night and now but late there was a great jousts and tournament as ever I saw any in the realm of logris and the most noble nights were at that jousts but there was one night that did marvelously three days and he bear a black shield and of all nights that ever I saw he proved the best night then said King Mark that was Sir Lancelot or Sir Palomides the pain him not so said Sir Gaharris for both Sir Lancelot and Sir Palomides were on the contrary party against the night with the black shield then it was Sir Tristram said the king yay said Sir Gaharris and there with all the king smote down his head and in his heart he feared soar that Sir Tristram should get him to the realm of logris where through that he himself should not be able to withstand him thus Sir Gaharris had great cheer with King Mark and with Queen Labille Izoud the witch was glad of Sir Gaharris words for well she whisked by his deeds in manners that it was Sir Tristram and then the king made a feast royal and to that feast came Sir Uain the feast Roy Urain and some called him Uain le Branchement and this Sir Uain challenged all the knights of Cornwall then was the king Woodroth that he had no knights to answer him then Sir Andred nephew unto King Mark lept up and said I will encounter with Sir Uain then he yed and armed him and horessed him in the best manner and there Sir Uain met with Sir Andred and smote him down that he swooned on the earth then was King Mark sorry and Roth out of measure that he had no knight to revenge his nephew Sir Andred so the king called unto him Sir Dinnis the Theneschal and prayed him for his sake to take upon him to joust with Sir Uain Sir said Sir Dinnis I am full loathe to have a do with any night of the round table yet said the king for my love take upon thee to joust so Sir Dinnis made him ready and an on they encountered together with great spears but Sir Dinnis was overthrown horse and man a great fall who was Roth but King Mark alas he said have I no knight that will encounter with yonder knight Sir said Sir Geharris for your sake I will joust so Sir Geharris made him ready and when he was armed he rode into the field and when Sir Uain saw Sir Geharris' shield Uain said Sir you do not your part for Sir the first time ye were made knight of the round table ye swear that you should not have a do with your fellowship wittingly and party Sir Geharris ye knew me well enough by my shield and so do I know you by your shield and though ye would break your oath I would not break mine for there is not one here ye that shall think I am a feared of you but I durst right well have a do with you and yet we be sisters sons then was Sir Geharris ashamed and so there with all every knight went their way and Sir Uain rode into the country then King Mark armed him and took his horse and his spear with a squire with him and then he rode a for Sir Uain and suddenly at a gap he ran upon him as he that was not where of him and there he smote him almost through the body and there left him so within a while there came Sir Kei and found Sir Uain and asked him how he was hurt I what not said Sir Uain why nor where for but by treason I am sure I got this hurt for here came a knight suddenly upon me or that I was where and suddenly hurt me then there was come Sir Andred to seek King Mark thou traitor knight said Sir Kei and I wished it were thou that thus traitorly has hurt this noble knight thou should never pass my hands sir said Sir Andred I did never hurt him and that I will report me to himself fight on you false knight said Sir Kei for ye of Cornwall are not worth so Sir Kei made carry Sir Uain to the Abbey of the Black Cross and there he was healed and then Sir Geheris took his leave of King Mark but or he departed he said Sir King ye did a foul shame unto you and your court when ye banished Sir Tristram out of this country for ye needed not to have doubted no knight and he had been here and so he departed CHAPTER 39 then there came Sir Kei the Seneschal unto King Mark and there he had good cheer showing outward now fair lords said he will ye prove any adventure in the forest of Morris in the which I know well is as hard an adventure as I know any Sir said Sir Kei I will prove it and Sir Geheris said he would be advised for King Mark was ever full of treason and therewithal Sir Geheris departed and rode his way and by the same way that Sir Kei should ride he laid him down to rest charging his squire to wait upon Sir Kei and warn me when he cometh so within a while Sir Kei came riding that way and then Sir Geheris took his horse and met him and said Sir Kei ye are not wise to ride at the request of King Mark for he dealeth all with treason then said Sir Kei I require you let us prove this adventure I shall not fail you said Sir Geheris and so they rode that time till a lake that was that time called the perilous lake and there they abode under the shaw of the wood the meanwhile King Mark within the castle of Tintagel avoided all his barons and all other save such as were privy with him were avoided out of his chamber and then he let call his nephew Sir Andred and bade arm him and horse him lightly and by that time it was midnight and so King Mark was armed in black horse and all and so at a privy poster they too issued out with their varlots with them and rode till they came to that lake then Sir Kei espied them first and got his spear and proffered to joust and King Mark rode against him and smote each other full hard for the moon shone as the bright day and there at that joust Sir Kei's horse fell down for his horse was not so big as the King's horse and Sir Kei's horse bruised him full sore then Sir Geheris was rough that Sir Kei had a fall then he cried night sit thou fast and thy saddle for I will revenge my fellow then King Mark was a feared of Sir Geheris and so with evil will King Mark rode against him and Sir Geheris gave him such a stroke that he fell down so then for with all Sir Geheris ran unto Sir Andred and smote him from his horse quite that his helm smote in the earth and nigh had broken his neck and there with all Sir Geheris alighted and got up Sir Kei and then they yow'd both on foot to them and bade them yow'd them and tell their names other they should die then with great pain Sir Andred spake first and said it is King Mark of Cornwall therefore be ye where what ye do and I am Sir Andred his cousin Fie on you both said Sir Geheris for a false traitor and false treason has thou wrought and he both with a feigned cheer that he made us it were pity said Sir Geheris that thou should'st live any longer save my life said King Mark and I will make amends and consider that I am a king anointed it were more the shame said Sir Geheris to save thy life thou art a king anointed with cream and therefore thou should'st hold men of worship and therefore thou art worthy to die with that he lashed at King Mark without saying any more and covered him with his shield and defended him as he might and then Sir Kay lashed at Sir Andred and there with all King Mark yielded him unto Sir Geheris and then he kneeled down and made his oath upon the cross of the sword that never while he lived he would be against errant knights and also he swear to be good friend to Sir Tristram if ever he came into Cornwall by then Sir Andred was on the earth and Sir Kay would have slain him let be said Sir Geheris slay him not I pray you it were a pity said Sir Kay that he should live any longer for this is nigh cousin unto Sir Tristram and ever he hath been a traitor unto him and by him he was exiled out of Cornwall and therefore I will slay him said Sir Kay ye shall not said Sir Geheris Sith and I have given the King his life I pray you give him his life and there with all Sir Kay let him go and so Sir Kay and Sir Geheris rode their way unto Dynas the Seneshall for because they heard say that he loved well Sir Tristram so they reposed them there and soon after they rode under the realm of Logres and so within a little while they met with Sir Lancelot that always had to dame Braguane with him to that intent he weaned to have met the sooner with Sir Tristram and Sir Lancelot asked what tidings in Cornwall and whether they heard of Sir Tristram or not Sir Kay and Sir Geheris answered and said that they heard not of him then they told Sir Lancelot word by word of their adventure then Sir Lancelot smiled and said hard it is to take out of the flesh that is bread in the bone and so made them marry together end of book 9 chapters 36 to 39 recording by Tamriel from Godbox cafe this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org read by Tamriel from GodboxCafe.com Le Mord d'Artur volume 1 by Sir Thomas Mallory book 9 chapters 40 to 44 now leave we off this tale and speak we of Sir Dennis that had within the castle a paramour and she loved another night better than him and so when Sir Dennis went out hunting she slipped down by a towel and took with her two brackets and so she aid to the night that she loved and he her again and when Sir Dennis came home and missed his paramour and his brackets then was he the more rother for his brackets than for the lady so then he rode after the night that had his paramour and made him turn and joust so Sir Dennis smote him down that with the fall he break his leg and his arm and then his lady and paramour cried Sir Dennis mercy and said she would love him better than ever she did nay said Sir Dennis I shall never trust them that once betrayed me and therefore as you have begun so end for I will never meddle with you and so Sir Dennis departed and took his brackets with him and so rode to his castle now will we turn on to Sir Lancelot that was right heavy that he could never hear no tidings of Sir Tristram for all this while he was in prison with Sardaris, Palomides and Dinadon then Dame Braguane took her leave to go into Cornwall and Sir Lancelot Sir Kay and Sir Gajaris rode to see Sir Tristram in a country of Sir Luce now speaketh this tale of Sir Tristram and of his two fellows for every day Sir Palomides and said language against Sir Tristram I marvel said Sir Dinadon of thee Sir Palomides and thou haddest Sir Tristram here thou wouldst do no harm for and a wolf and a sheep were together in a prison the wolf would suffer the sheep to be in peace and with thou well said Sir Dinadon the sheep to be in peace and with thou well said Sir Dinadon this same is Sir Tristram at a word and now must do thy best with him and let's see now if ye can skift it with your hands then was Sir Palomides abashed and said little Sir Palomides then said Sir Tristram I have heard much of your mauger against me but I will not meddle with you as at this time by my will because I dread the lord of this place that hath us in governance for and I dread him not more than I do thee soon it should be skift so they pieced themselves right so came in a damsel and said nights be of good cheer for ye are sure of your lives and that I heard say my lord Sir Darius then were they glad all three for daily they weened they should have died then soon after this Sir Tristram fell sick that he weened to have died then Sir Dinadon wept and so did Sir Palomides under them both making great sorrow so a damsel came into them and found them mourning then she went unto Sir Darius and told him how that mighty night that bear the black shield was likely to die that shall not be said Sir Darius for God to defend when nights come to me for sucker that I should suffer them to die within my prison therefore said Sir Darius to the damsel fetch that night and his fellows are for me and then anon Sir Darius saw Sir Tristram brought a for him he said Sir Knight may repent of thy sickness for thou art called a full noble night and so it seemeth by thee and witty well it shall never be said that Sir Darius shall destroy such a noble night as thou art in prison how be it that thou hast slain three of my sons whereby I was greatly aggrieved but now shall thou go and thy fellows and your harness and horses have been fair and clean kept and you shall go where it likeeth you upon this covenant that thou night wilt promise me to be good friend to my sons too that be now alive and also that thou tell me thy name Sir said he as for me my name is Sir Tristram De Leonis and in Cornwall was I born and nephew I am unto King Mark and as for the death of your sons I might not do with all for and they had been the next kin that I have I might have done none otherwise and if I had slain them by treason or treachery I had been worthy to have died all this I consider said Sir Darius that all that ye did was by force of knighthood and that was the cause I would not put you to death but sith ye be Sir Tristram the good night I pray you heartily to be my good friend and to my sons Sir said Sir Tristram I promise you by the faith of my body ever while I live I will do your service for ye have done to us but as a natural night ought to do then Sir Tristram reposed him there till that he was amended of his sickness and when he was big and strong they took their leave and every night took their horses and so departed together till they came to a crossway now fellows said Sir Tristram here will we depart in sundry ways and because Sir Dinedin had the first adventure of him I will begin Chapter 41 So as Sir Dinedin rode by a well he found a lady making great dole What ale of you said Sir Dinedin the night said the lady I am the woefulest lady of the world for within these five days here came a night called Sir Bruce Sampite and he slew my own brother and ever since he hath kept me at his own will and of all men in the world I hate him most and therefore I require you of knighthood to avenge me for he will not tarry but be here anon Let him come said Sir Dinedin because of honour of all women I will do my part with this came Sir Bruce and when he saw a night with his lady he was Woodroth and then he said Sir Knight keep thee from me So they hurled together as thunder and either smote other passing sore but Sir Dinedin put him through the shoulder a grievous wound and or even Sir Dinedin might turn him Sir Bruce was gone and fled then the lady prayed him to bring her to a castle there beside but four mile fence and so Sir Dinedin brought her there and she was welcome for the lord of that castle was her uncle and so Sir Dinedin rode his way upon his adventure now turn with his tail and to Sir Tristram that by adventure he came to a castle to ask lodging wherein was Queen Morgan Lafay and so when Sir Tristram was led into that castle he had good cheer all that night and upon the morning when he would have departed the Queen said which ye well ye shall not depart lightly for ye are here as a prisoner Jezu defend said Sir Tristram for I was but late a prisoner fair knight said the Queen ye shall abide with me till that I wit what ye are and from once you come and ever the Queen would set Sir Tristram on her own side and her paramour on the other side and ever Queen Morgan would behold Sir Tristram and there at the night was jealous and was in will suddenly to have run upon Sir Tristram with a sword but he left it for shame then the Queen said to Sir Tristram tell me thy name and I shall suffer you to depart when ye will upon that covenant I tell you my name is Sir Tristram D'Leonis ah said Morgan Lafay and I had whisked that thou should not have departed so soon as thou shalt but Sithon I have made a promise I will hold it with that thou wilt promise me to bear upon thee a shield that I shall deliver thee under the castle of the hard rock where King Arthur had cried a great tournament and there I pray you that ye will be and to do for me as much needs of arms as you may do for at the castle of maidens Sir Tristram ye did marvellous deeds of arms as ever I heard night do Madam said Sir Tristram let me see the shield that I shall bear then the shield was brought forth and the field was goldish with a king and a queen therein painted and a knight standing above them one foot upon the king's head and the other upon the Queen's Madam said Sir Tristram this is a fair shield and a mighty but what signify at this king and this queen and the knight standing upon both their heads I shall tell you said Morgan Lafay it signifyeth King Arthur and Queen Guinevere and a knight who holdeth them both in bondage and in service who is that knight that shall ye not wit at this time said the queen but as the French book says Queen Morgan loved Sir Lancelot best and ever she desired him and he would never love her nor do nothing at her request and therefore she held many knights together for to have taken him by strength and because she deemed that Sir Lancelot loved Queen Guinevere paramour and she him again therefore Queen Morgan Lafay ordained that shield to put Sir Lancelot to a rebuke to that intent that King Arthur might understand the love between them then Sir Tristram took that shield and promised her to bear it at the tournament at the castle of the hard rock but Sir Tristram knew not that that shield was ordained against Sir Lancelot but afterward he knew it Chapter 42 so then Sir Tristram took his leave of the Queen and took the shield with him and he called Queen Morgan Lafay his name was Sir Hemison and he made him ready to follow Sir Tristram their friend said Morgan ride not after that night for you shall not win no worship of him fire on him cowered said Sir Hemison for I wish never good night come out of Cornwall but if it were Sir Tristram de Leonis what on that be he said she said he he's with La Bellezude and this is but a daffish night alas my fair friend you shall find him the best night that ever you met with all for I know him better than you do for your sake said Sir Hemison I shall slay him ah fair friend said the Queen may repenteth that you will follow that night for I fear me soar of your again coming with this this night rode his way would wroth and he rode after Sir Tristram as fast as he had been chased with nights when Sir Tristram heard a night come after him so fast he returned about and saw a night come against him and when he came nigh to Sir Tristram he cried on high Sir Knight keep thee from me then they rushed together as it had been thunder and Sir Hemison brised his spear upon Sir Tristram but his harness was so good that he might not hurt him and Sir Tristram smote him harder and bare him through the body and he fell over his horse's croop then Sir Tristram turned to have done more with his sword but he saw so much blood go from him that him seemed he was likely to die and so he departed from him and came to a fair manner to an old night where Sir Tristram lodged chapter 43 now leave to speak of Sir Tristram and speak we of the night that was wounded to the death then his varlet alighted and took off his helm and then he asked his lord whether there were any life in him there is in me life said the knight but it is but little and therefore leap thou up behind me when thou hast hold me up and bring me fast that I fall nopt and bring me to queen Morgan Lafay for deep drafts of death draw to my heart that I may not live for I would feign speak with her or I die for else my soul will be in great peril and I die forthwith with great pain his varlet brought him to the castle and there Sir Hammison fell down dead when Morgan Lafay saw him dead she made great sorrow out of reason and then she let to spoil him onto his shirt and so she let him put into a tomb and about the tomb she let right here lieth Sir Hammison slain by the hands of Sir Tristram de Leonis now turn we on to Sir Tristram that ask the night his host if he saw late any night's adventurous Sir he said the last night here lodged with me Ector de Maris and a damsel with him and that damsel told me that he was one of the best nights of the world that's not so said Sir Tristram for I know four better nights of his own blood and the first is Sir Lancelot de Lac call him the best night and Sir Boris de Gannis Sir Blaubaris Sir Blamour de Gannis and Sir Gaharis nay said his host Dane is a better night than he this is not so said Sir Tristram for I have met with them both and I felt Sir Gaharis for the better night and Sir Lamarac I call him as good as any of them except Sir Lancelot why name ye not Sir Tristram said his host for I account him as good as any of them I know not Sir Tristram said Sir Tristram thus they talked and boarded as long as them list and went to rest and on the morning Sir Tristram departed and took his leave of his host and rode toward the Roche dure and none adventure had Sir Tristram but that and so he rested not till he came to the castle where he saw 500 tents chapter 44 then the King of Scots and the King of Ireland held against King Arthur's knights and there began a great medley so came in Sir Tristram with marvelous deeds of arms for there he smote down many knights and ever he was afford King Arthur with that shield and when King Arthur saw that shield he marveled greatly in what intent it was made but Queen Guinevere deemed as it was wherefore she was heavy then was there a damsel of Queen Morgan in a chamber by King Arthur and when she heard King Arthur speak of that shield then she spake openly unto King Arthur Sir King witty well this shield was ordained for you to warn you of your shame and dishonour and that longeth to you and your Queen and then anon that damsel picked her away privily that no man wist where she was become then was King Arthur sad and wroth and asked from whence came that damsel there was not one that knew her nor wist where she was become then Queen Guinevere called to her Sir actor Damaris and there she made her complaint to him and said I what well this shield was made by Morgan Le Fay in despite of me and of Sir Lancelot wherefore I dread me sore last I should be destroyed and ever the King beheld Sir Tristram that did so marvellous deeds of arms that he wondered sore what knight he might be and well he wist it was not Sir Lancelot and it was told him that Sir Tristram was in petit Britain with Isoudre la Blanche main for he deemed as he had been in the realm of Logres Sir Lancelot or some of his fellows that were in the quest of Sir Tristram that they should have found him or that time so King Arthur had marvell what knight he might be and ever Sir Arthur's eye was on that shield all that aspired the Queen and that made her sore of feared then ever Sir Tristram smoked down knights wonderly to behold upon the right hand and upon the left hand that unneth no knight might withstand him and the King of Scots and the King of Ireland began to withdraw them when Arthur aspired that he thought that that knight with a strange shield should not escape him then he called unto him Sir Uwein le Blanche main and bade him arm him and make him ready so on on King Arthur and Sir Uwein dressed them before Sir Tristram and acquired him to tell them where he had that shield Sir he said I had it of Queen Morgan Le Fay sister unto King Arthur so here endeth this history of this book for it is the first book of Sir Tristram de Leonis and the second book of Sir Tristram followeth end of book 9 chapters 40 to 44 end of Le Monde Arthur volume 1 by Sir Thomas Mallory recording by Tamriel from godboxcafe.com


All right So property bar inside from cleaning and labeling a cocktail data set so I've been working on a personal project and I thought that in terms of being able to learn and and be able to do data science properly we would want to to have the the data Sorry, sorry about it So I'll just start again. I have a personal project and it's it's basically to be able to take take a cocktail and Determine what season of the year is the best season for it to be to be drunken so I'm supposed to do this with with some screens Reading I'll just move on the idea the idea as I said is to be able to Clean the data and label the data But the focus of what I want to do in this presentation is Highlight the use of the various areas of data science. So domain expertise math computer science so for anybody who has drunk a cocktail has seen a cocktail list has wanted to prepare a cocktail There are some basic things that it's important to know about them and so the first thing is the ingredient list and You know it tells you these are the ingredients and and and this is how much of what you need Most recipes give you the the method It will you know tell you what glass may be And the size of it as well as potentially with the data sets themselves give you a category So something like shots or classics or coolers for example So here we have a representation of what a data set might look like in terms of the the way that is represented and As we can see it's very It's in its raw form here So it's very much like that list of ingredients that we saw you know that we would see in in a recipe have any measurement and the and the ingredients associated but with with data science and being able to to use this in in In tables. This isn't a very useful format. And so the ingredients themselves you would want to be able to say, you know, give me a column and Have the associated ingredient under that column rather than have two separate columns representing the same the same thing So another thing to take note of when looking at at this Is that the ingredients themselves aren't standardized. So you have some ingredients that are for example a brand Hennessy Jagger Meister Other other ingredients here Just generic generic things. So, you know coffee flavored brandy Apple brandy here. So it's we have to find a way to take those very different representations and Convute it into into that standardized column. So you want your columns for example to have things like rum and have the volume of liquid associated with the cocktail that you that you're making as As with any data set everyone has their own it is idiosyncrasies the one that I worked with here It in this in a single column for example, the you know under the ingredient It would contain multiple multiple ingredients. So for example, it would say oh, you know We want a measurement of one ounce and we want The ingredient will be light rum and dark rum But it's in the same and you need to be able to handle that properly when mapping to to the to the column with with with with the with the right amount of volume and Well in this particular data set as well Some of the data was placed incorrectly So they actually put the measurement in the ingredient column and and vice versa, which was just annoying So in terms of being able to take the data in the raw form that it was and Convute it into a more amicable format Computer science, of course, is a skill that you need to have so the the the actual You know coding up stuff to be able to get the data from the format that we started with to the intended format is Is is a given but it's also important To have another type of expertise and as the domain expertise Because you you could know how to convert from point A to point B But you don't even know what point B is without having that that domain expertise So let me give you some examples of what that might entail so as we saw with with the brands and the types of Spirits that that we saw to be basically standardized that we wanted to normalize and categorize those Categorization in particular was important for things like liqueurs And so if anybody knows knows like here's they Slightly flavored alcohols so things like a Contro or this or no these these have both flavor and alcohol and one of the things that I Absolutely needed to do So you would see here. There's citrus juice and citrus spirit To be able to distinguish among the two because citrus has a flavor profile within cocktails If they play a specific role and so if we want to know What's a good time of year to to drink a specific cocktail how citrus plays a role in that would be would be a factor and so Splitting it up into into juice and spirit is as important there and domain expertise was was be critical But something like that another aspect with domain expertise that you need is for data validation some of the the ingredients within this The the the data set contained We wanted like one ounce of anger of bitters So if if anybody knows but bitters and spirits you tend to put just a dash of it or a shake of it And so there's no way you put a whole ounce Of bitters and in a cocktail So knowing that was was important to to make the appropriate adjustment so that volumes etc made sense so in addition to Taking the raw data and moving it from the columns that we saw of the specific spirits our alcohol or not It's it's important to take the feature vectors or to make feature vectors Now what are feature vectors feature vectors are? just plainly some Representation or some properties about the data that you that you've extracted in intercolon my by itself so in in this example here we have The percentage of alcohol within the volume of the cocktail we have the whether bubbles are present in it So things like champagne sparkling wine soda would have would have give give some concentration to that Citrus the other flavors wine herbs so it's it's it was important to be able to identify which attributes of the drink would would would play into being able to to label the data and as factors When we when we extract our features the labeling is Is is is what what you what you're targeting so you are identifying? Initial features in the data to say what that you think would be relevant With the associated output or labels and of course we we could use our computer science knowledge to meld and mesh these Columns from the primary data that we have with the with the with the Ingrediences essentially so once we take our time and and establish what aspects of the of the cocktails are useful We could create some heuristics and say, you know, if I have a tall drink with You know very low alcohol it might be something that That might be useful in summer. You're useful to drink in summer and similarly something short Bit more alcoholic probably a bit sweet or or heavy you may want to have in the in winter and so You could create some rules around What to do to give to get your label? so That's that's what I did here and the data that we see here has that so to the far right would be the labels based on the heuristics alone and That's important because you as the as the domain expert would come out and say Well, this this is the thing that I make sense. You know your data. You understand what you want to relate and so When you when you take your time to build that validation around the heuristics You are actually Establishing ground truth and it's so important to establish that ground truth because anything after that is is You know based on what the data tells you and that's important, but you you need to make sense of what is there So as we can see with the heuristics You get some of the data level you probably and most likely won't get all of the data level And so may want to employ some techniques to help kind of automate and label in accordance with the heuristics that you that you've defined and so Well, here's where we turn to machine learning We could cluster So, you know grouping data or similar data points together So, you know similar cocktails Collins and coolers have similar properties. So you may you may put put those in in In in the same group or at least you would hope that your clustering algorithms would put them in the same group And so once once you do that you could establish Well, these are the ones the cluster puts in this group and that has a label. Okay, maybe the labels themselves or the The cocktails themselves would have similar properties and so Could also fall into Into the appropriate label groups so you could kind of fill in the blanks essentially or employ techniques to fill in the blanks to label Label the rest of them. So things like Bermuda rose what does power in this case would have benefited from from that technique all right and one of the things that I Wanted to Have you all get out of this talk is? in terms of This simple aspect of labeling the data and and cleaning the data The importance of the domain expertise is is absolutely key you can't make appropriate or useful decisions for for Validity data validity and even the that process of of extracting The the truth of value from the data it's important to check it against the domain expertise Of course the machine knowledge machine learning knowledge is useful But again, it's it's it's somewhat secondary to that domain expertise. So if you aren't the domain expert yourself get one Validated the end often Refiners required so things like your features if you if you think you have a feature and you think it works You know, you may need to you may need to change it you may need to find some other features that that are more appropriate to the to the To the data set or even to the models that you're employing This would go similar to the labels as well. So one of the things that I strongly come to contemplated with the with the project is Whether the the labels are right. I mean you could have a cocktail for Breakfast lunch dinner. You could have cocktails with different courses in a meal, right? So you there there are different places where or different ways to break down how you would how you might decide to label or associate that input data of the cocktails to to the output and finally Just to say that the tools that you have Could only take you so far It's important to be able to use that that Data the insights from the data In a in a sensible way so while my project is Beased to You know be able to predict what time of year a particular cocktail Is is useful in? Good it's nice to be drunken because I like to make me cocktails myself So, you know, I can I can add add to that list another factor that that was that was interesting for me is is the To be able to see I plan my my ingredient list, right? So, of course, I'll have the cocktails and I'll know the ingredients and therefore I can have some sort of inventory planner and so With that as the goal in mind You could plan around how you put the different the different tooling in place To take advantage of the inside so while it may not even be a model I could get value from it and that's that that's an important aspect for your data projects as well so I Hope that this talk gave you some insights into What you might need to do when starting your own data projects, you know cleaning the data Labeling the data, but of course, that's the boring part. You want to start to make models and stuff And it may be a question a selection Thank you very much


With only a few events left for the rest of the season, one of the biggest events coming up in Basel next week is going to be missing a key player, Carlos Elcraz, pulling out with injury. Let's go have a look at the statement he brought out why he actually isn't playing this event. This is what Elcraz said over on Twitter. Unfortunately, I'm not able to play in Basel this year. I have a problem with the plantar fascia in my left foot and muscle fatigue in my lower back, which need treatment so I can play the rest of the season. I hope to see you all soon. So there it is, not good for Elcraz back problems and also a foot problem. Of course, this time last year, he ended the season pulling out of Paris halfway through the event and not playing the ADB finals due to injury. He plays a lot of tennis and the way that he plays is so aggressive on the body. It hurts him long term and again, he's in injury worries again at this time of year. He's not the only one. There are other players like Hogar Runa, of course. He's had injury problems the last couple of weeks as well, a young player that's also trying to be part of that ADB finals. Limited comments below. Do you think Carlos is going to play at the ADB finals because now he's got to recover from this injury? He's also going to play Paris. I would say that he's probably not going to end the year at world number one. That was the kind of the thing with Djokovic and Elcraz, I guess they're going to go into Paris and whoever plays better in Paris will end up being world number one.  Elcraz not playing over in Basel this year.