My name is Butolezwe and Zimbabwe is my home country. My journey so far has taken me to Central East Africa and this is where my story begins. I start in the back of a minibus heading towards the southwest corner of Rwanda. Winding through the thick bush of the Nungwa forest, I come to a clearing. From my taxi, I can see neat tea plantations giving way to Rwanda's rolling hills. This is my stop, the roadside town of Mushaka in Zaharha sector. Well-dressed men and women walk between the shops, houses and a central hospital. The ebb and order has a rural undertone. In the open grass in front of the church, children are playing. The father of two of these children sits in front of me. He has a warm smile and wears a pair of wire-rimmed glasses. I'm called Ngilene Filippi. I'm 30 years old and I was born here in Zaharha. A few hours later, I meet his wife Matilde. Matilde has taken leave from her government job and is at home looking after the children. Her bangles chime as she gestures with her well-manicured hands. We came from the same area. We met in Iwata at the university. We went to the same church and later we got married. A few kilometers up the road is the son of Matilde's father's cousin. Matilde's second cousin, Telespo, is a slimly built man. He shows me around his property. As you see the banana plantations, the other land where I cultivate is a bit far. These are livestock that provide me with the manure where I get fertilizers from my garden. While Telespo's farming seldom allows him to cross paths with his relatives, he sometimes visits their home. Matilde can remember how things have always been for the families. The relationship was good and whenever there was something nice to be shared like meat, then the families would share it. But events directly before and during 1994 changed everything. On the 6th of April 1994, the Rwandan president's plane was shot down. This was the pretext for the beginning of a planned state-sponsored genocide and one of the worst atrocities of the 20th century. Radical Hutu militia, known as the Inter-Rahamu, turned on Tutsi civilians and anyone considered sympathetic towards them. Neighbors turned against neighbors. Brothers turned against brothers. Tutsi, like Matilde and Philippe, were in severe danger. As a young girl, Matilde remembers how desperate she was to find somewhere safe to hide. They had me at the home of Tesfals' brother. It was Tutsi that were hunted. They were Hutu, so they were able to give us refugee. Telespo was her relative. An issue was there so we would plan in the evenings. We would listen to what the Inter-Rahamu were saying so I could hear their plans. We decided to take the risk. Over the next three months, few were spared the bloodshed. Telespo, a Hutu, was given the news that his brother had been stabbed to death. Only on that day, I participated in the killings. When we were told he was cut, we were told it was Tutsi who cut him. That's how we went and joined in the killing. The aftermath of the genocide in Rwanda left deep feelings of anger and revenge and little space for forgiveness. 1,100 kilometers away, another community is trying to work through its own experiences of bloodshed. My journey to better understand forgiveness takes me from the mountains of southern Rwanda across the border and into the wide open land of Uganda. From Kampala, I head further north on the Red Post Pass. After hours of a bumpy road, I cross the white waters of the Nile. The smell of the clean river air fills the bus and I know we are nearly there. Finally, I arrive at the busy town of Gulu. Motorcycles, locally known as Boda Boda's, speed past. The red dust of northern Uganda covers everything. There's a distinct air of growth and excitement in this town. The first person I meet is Konsey, a 22-year-old girl spotting a crew cut and a plain white t-shirt. Her eyes smile as she talks about her dreams. I like doing business. I was engaged in a pork selling business and I feel like if it were my own, it would be a good idea. The next person I come across is Robert. He has a calming presence about him, smiles and makes conversation easily. It's the rainy season in Uganda and as the clouds burst, we dive into an old restaurant to talk. At the age of 30, Robert has just become a proud father. My wife had premature delivery at only seven months and the baby weighed barely one kilogram and had to be put on oxygen. By God's grace, the child survived and I named her Luba Lakida Blessing, meaning God is very merciful, yeah. Everything seems possible now, but it hasn't always been this way. The Lord's Resistance Army, the LRA, is a rebel group that has operated in northern Uganda since 1986 and now continues to terrorize communities across Central Africa. One of the LRA's strategies for recruiting combatants is to abduct children and turn them into soldiers. In 18 years, between 1987 and 2005, an estimated 30,000 children were captured. Robert was 17 and Quincy was 12. It was four in the morning when the rebels came. There were three people sleeping in our house. The rebels took me and I had to join the crown of villages they had adopted. They took us into the bush where they put us all together. There were about 41 of us. From there, the rebels released us and told us to go back home. But then the rebels sent one of their soldiers to come and take me back. That's how I remained in the bush. When they arrested me and took me back, I really felt bad. I thought, why only me God? Why? The reason that Concey was kept behind was that the rebel officers needed these young girls as their wives. They believed that the older women were infected with HIV. So the likes of Concey were seen as young and of course very healthy. After a week in the bush with the rebels, they thought I would escape. And so they decided to take me back home. There are basically two reasons why the generals take people back to their homes to kill someone very close to them. One is to make you very strong and of course to make you into a fighter. And the second is to make you never think of ever going back home again. I don't remember Concey's case exactly but I know that I was ordered to take her home. I just know that. On reaching home, the rebels picked my dad. My father handed him over to me and ordered me to kill him. Forgiveness seems so complex when people's identities are so tangled. Both Robert and Concey are former abductees and both have committed terrible crimes. They are both victims and perpetrators. They have suffered and caused enormous suffering. I find myself asking if forgiveness is really possible in situations like this. In the years after the Rwandan genocide, Mushaka was devastated. While survivors like Matilda and Philip tried to rebuild their lives, turns of thousands of genocide suspects were detained in overcrowded jails. The social fabric of Rwanda was torn apart. And the response by many people was to run away. Tell Us 4 was no exception. I fled the country with the others but I later came back and was in prison. Someone who worked closely with prisoners is Father Eric, an enthusiastic smiling man who is the priest of the Mushaka Catholic Diocese. He remembers the devastation and how impossible it felt to try to restore peace to the community. At first mention, the word forgiveness was quite difficult when the wounds of genocide were still raw. Because on the side of survivors, some didn't believe that forgiving someone who killed your family or has done wrong to you was possible. On the side of the perpetrators, they sought forgiveness so that they could get out of prison, but they didn't want to meet their own victims. Father Eric started visiting prisoners and encouraging them to converse their crimes, not only to the state but also to the family members of those they had killed. Tell Us 4 remembers when the priest visited his jail. We began trusting these processes when we began writing letters to the families of those who had lost people, informing them of where they could find the bodies of their people who were killed. For us, we don't view forgiveness as papers signed in prisons, saying that he or she is seeking forgiveness from the Ruanan families and the Ruanan government. Two people hold the key to the unity and reconciliation process. It's the victim and the perpetrator. One of the ways in which the Ruanan legal system dealt with the overwhelming number of prisoners accused of genocide was through the Gachacha community courts. This system meant that ordinary Ruanans could participate in finding justice and truth about genocide crimes. In Mushaka, the Gachacha court assembled in a communal area once a week. In 2007, Philip received an invitation to attend a hearing that would deal with the death of his father. On the same day, Tell Us 4 was due to address the court. On that day, I confessed to the killing of some other person. When we were moving to avenge my brother's death, four people died. I also confessed that on the way home, I killed a man.  I was perplexed. It was as if the world had fallen down on me. I felt ashamed asking myself how are Matilda's parents going to see me. He left the chair that he was sitting on and came to sit near me. He said this is the family that saved my wife and now the family that killed my father. What can I do? I have forgiven him but let the state do its part. For me, it can come to my family with the fear to seek forgiveness from my family so that my family also knows about this. I asked Matilda how she felt about the situation and how she felt towards the man who had killed her father in law and helped save her life. Nothing special because it's good enough that Philip managed to find out who killed his father. Her response reminds me of how complex forgiveness really is especially as family members are often part of the process. Back in Gulu, Konsey tells me that if I really want to understand her process of forgiving then I need to meet her mother. So the plans are made. The sun rises to reveal a golden dustimony. We pack some supplies into the car and leave the business of the town behind us. We drive north towards the village of Omelkuri. The route home is so nice. I feel quite lonely with many just un-danced.   Whoever was following this road would get ambushed. Taking up the hills and severely tortured. I stayed there for quite some time. This was the point where many of the people adapted where people I knew. Every day I see these mountains. It reminds me of the past. But I feel that it won't help me. In any case, I am now out of here. We get to the trading center of Omelkuri and head further still. The road turns to gravel and eventually we get out of the car and start walking. The grass is long and the bush is thick. But every now and then I see the top of a mud hut or a curious neighbor coming out to see who has arrived. Two little girls, consist daughters, come running towards us barefoot, beaming at their mother. As the excitement dies down, a tall, slender, stern-looking woman appears on the side of the compound.  Konse's mother motions for us to sit in the shade of a large tree in the middle of the compound. I wonder what it was like for Konse and her mother when she finally returned home after being with the rebel forces for so many years. When I saw my mother, it was somehow hard to recognize her. She was behind my elder brother. And when she saw me, she came running, crying and picking me up in her arms like I was a little child. When Konse came back from the bush, the relatives convened and decided that as a young child, whatever she had done wrong was only to save her own life. In any case, it wasn't our idea. As the saying goes, you can't pierce your own eyes out. They told her she was forgiven and in any case, the best she could do was to thank God for keeping her alive. When I had just returned home, things were very hard for me. Every time I went walking in the community, people would point fingers saying there goes the girl who killed her own father. It got so bad, my mother said that I should move to town and let her stay at home in the village. But once Konse had moved to Gulutang, she came across someone even more difficult to deal with than the village drunkards. The first time I met Robert, I wanted to do to him exactly what he had done to my father. All I wanted was to kill him. Robert tells me about the same incident. I saw Konse and I had to turn my eyes away. I don't know at that time if she saw me.  It was I who did it. I did that to her. When I got home, I told my mother that I had met the person who had made me kill my father. I told her to leave things at that. And if she ever met this man again, she should talk to him. It was at the rehabilitation center, if I can remember in Lira. When I saw her, I was overcome with fear. I could not look at her face. I turned my eyes away. The second time I saw her, I couldn't avoid her because it was like a one-on-one encounter. We both broke down and cried. The last time we met was in 2005 at the Amnesty Commission. I was with my mother and when we got there, I saw Robert and I said to her, there is the man I told you about the other day. She replied that she was not interested in seeing him because it would make her think of doing something bad to him. When I first saw this man, the air on the back of my neck stood. I said, God, you are almighty. Then I turned my face down. If I had had the ability to do harm to this man, I definitely would have. What made it so hard for me to forgive Robert was my father's death. I left home at an early age and it would have been nice to have him at home when I came back from captivity so that he would always be there for me when I needed him. I asked Consis mother and her brothers if they had ever received an apology from Robert for the things he had done. Robert lives very far away from here. It wouldn't be possible to come and ask for forgiveness for his actions. It is completely impossible because my boys have now become men. Robert has a different view of why he cannot ask for forgiveness. What I know is that no one can totally forgive you when you have instructed them to kill their own parents. No one can do that. No one can forgive you. Robert's statement hits me hard. It shows that some people feel that the crimes they have committed are beyond forgiveness. That pardon is impossible given the magnitude of what they have done. I am reminded of how interconnected the process of forgiving really is. The purpose of this journey was to find out how and why it happens. I realized that forgiveness takes personal initiative. It takes courage and it takes action. But it also needs an environment of support and it involves other people. Sometimes they support the process and sometimes they make it harder. Back in Mushaka after Telus 4 had confessed at the Gachacha court, he served the rest of his sentence. Once he was released, he prepared himself to apologize to Matilde and Philip in the presence of the whole family. I promised myself to do all that he said, to go tell his family that I committed the crime and bring the local bruise so that we could share again and talk over the issue. Philip tells me about the same incident. The first obstacle is your close relatives that may be a hindrance to your forgiveness. They are also your fellow victims who we always ask you. And forgiving, did you get back to your father? How have you benefited? Then even when you have decided to forgive, these people remain as tumbling blocks to the process. I was prepared to face all the risks. What was important was being crimsoned in front of God. What made me ashamed was finding out that he had married a relative of mine, but I was ready to seek forgiveness from whichever person I needed to. Now, when he decided to come to my home, it demonstrated it was true that he sought pardon. When I got there, I found visitors, a church pastor, a soldier. They were all friends and I told them my story and they seemed shocked. Telus 4 was doing what Father Eric believes is the most important aspect about forgiveness, bringing people into direct contact. But sometimes, meeting comes at a cost. I felt remorse and guilt after I found out that they had forgiven us and that was challenging. We all cried again and we needed our visit. Now again, we forgive each other because he now came to seek true forgiveness. I realized that forgiveness doesn't mean the anger or the hurt disappears. Sometimes, the motivation behind forgiveness is to find inner peace or to keep a relationship or to develop a nation. My journey took me into the lives of specific individuals, going through different processes in response to different conflicts. I wondered if their definition of forgiveness could help me understand their experiences. Telus 4. That's when I become human after getting forgiveness together with my own channel for giving myself. That's when I become a normal human being. Philip. Forgiveness is not to eliminate someone. Instead, it is assisting someone to become a human being again. Concy. Forgiveness, according to me, is pardoning whoever has wronged you. And Robert. To forgive is when the offended person totally pardons the offender and forgets everything. You made them kill. They should not think of paying back. Forgiveness never comes cheaply. It always involves harrowing choices. But for those who choose forgiveness, they do it to live more peacefully with themselves and with those around them.


Good morning, Svanpanim. I have several earth-shattering news for you. Number one, Mini, my black smiling borderline is back. You can see on my face that my anxiety is much mitigated and relieved and I'm not asking her where she has been. Don't ask, don't tell. Second bit of news. Taking into account your level of IQ and illiteracy, I am not going to use words like very similitude, alacrity and so on. I'm going to go easy on you this time. And the tinctin abulation of your supplication had reached my ears and I relented. Look it up. Today we are going to discuss the much awaited new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, aka DSM. It is a DSM-5 and it is the text revision released a few weeks ago, 9 years in the making. And there are two breaking news when it comes to narcissistic personality disorder. For the first time, the manual acknowledges the existence of covert or vulnerable narcissists explicitly in the text, as you will see. The second, in my view, equally important piece of news is that the DSM accepts parity between women and men. Women and men presenting in clinical settings are equally as likely to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and that is a major shift since the 1980s and 90s when the third and fourth editions of the DSM were published. And yet, having plowed through this thick-set tomb in 1,100 pages, ten times as long as the first edition in 1952, by the way, having plowed through it, I am disappointed. And I think the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Committee is still, to some extent, in-hoc to the insurance industry and the interests of the pharmaceutical industry. I'm sorry to say. And I refer you to my video where I compare the DSM to the 11th edition of the ICD, International Classification of Diseases, published by the World Health Organization. The ICD is the world's DSM. DSM is used mostly in North America. The ICD is courageous. It is gone where no one has before. And it incorporates the latest cutting edge, bleeding edge, info emanating from Akadem. I can't say this about the DSM. I wish I could. They are hesitant, pusillanimous attempts in the DSM, in the current text revision, to kind of experiment with and broach the possibility of a dimensional model without a list of diagnostic criteria. And I will analyze these attempts shortly. But they fall short. All in all, they fall short. And indeed, the American Psychiatric Association, the publisher of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, described the text revision as a facelift. They admitted. Anyhow, I'm going to read extensive excerpts from the text revision and dwell upon the changes to the diagnostic criteria and so on and so forth. When it comes to cluster B personality disorders, there are some things which are very new. And there is an incorporation of the latest research and the latest knowledge. So I'm going to make a series of videos. Each video dedicated to another cluster B personality disorder. The first one, of course, is narcissistic personality disorder. The next video I will make is borderline personality disorder in the DSM 5 text revision, etc. And then psychopathy, antisocial personality disorder, and so on. So what does the American Psychiatric Association have to say about the latest attempt at capturing the psychopathology of the human soul? What does it say about the current state of knowledge, state of art, when it comes to clinical psychology? And I'll be quoting from now. From here on, I'll be quoting. I'll be citing the text. They say mental disorders, fifth edition text revision DSM 5 TR is the first published revision of the DSM 5. This revised manual integrates the original published DSM diagnostic criteria with modifications, mostly for clarity, for over 70 disorders. Comprehensively updated descriptive text accompanying each of the DSM disorders based on reviews of the literature since the publication of the DSM 5 and the addition of a new diagnosis, prolonged GRIF disorder. Yes, you've heard it. You've heard it here for the first time. Richard and I discussed prolonged GRIF disorder way before it had become an official diagnosis in the text revision of the DSM 5. Okay. And then there are symptom codes for reporting suicidal and non-suicidal self-injurious behavior. The APA continues to say, these changes differ from the scope of the prior text revision, DSM 4 text revision, in which the updates were confined almost exclusively to the text, leaving the diagnostic criteria virtually unchanged. This addition also integrates all prior online updates made to the DSM 5 after its publication in 2013 in response to usage, specific scientific advances and ICD-10-CM coding adjustments through an iterative revision process. Consequently, says the American Psychiatric Association, the publisher of the DSM. Consequently, the DSM 5TR is a product of three separate revision processes, each one overseen by separate but overlapping groups of experts. The development of the original DSM 5 diagnostic criteria and text by the DSM 5 Task Force published in 2013 updates to the DSM 5 diagnostic criteria and text by the DSM Steering Committee, which has overseen the iterative revision process and fully updated text overseen by the revision subcommittee. Talk about bureaucracy. The clinical and research understanding of mental disorders continues to advance, no kidding. As a result, most of the DSM 5TR disorder texts have had at least some revision since the nine years from original publication in DSM 5, with the overwhelming majority having had significant revisions. I couldn't say this, by the way, in the cluster B personality disorders, but what do I know? APA continues. Sections of the texts that were most extensively updated were prevalence, risk and prognostic factors, culture-related diagnostic issues, sex and gender-related diagnostic issues, association with suicidal thoughts, or behavior and comorbidity. Also for the first time ever, the entire DSM text has been reviewed and revised by a work group on ethnoracially-called equity and inclusion to ensure appropriate attention to risk factors such as the experience of racism and discrimination, as well as to the use of non-stigmatizing language. The walk movement had reached the DSM. Congratulations! And here's what the DSM, the new version, the text revision, has to say in capsule in a nutshell about the cluster B personality disorders. Antisocial personality disorder, says the DSM-TR, is a pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, criminality, I'm sorry, impulsivity and failure to learn from experience. That's my autobiography in short form. Borderline personality disorder is a pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and effects and marked impulsivity. Histrionic personality disorder is a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking. It is regrettable that the DSM-5 didn't merge histrionic personality disorder with either borderline personality disorder or with antisocial personality disorder, especially the malignant forms known as psychopathy. This is the latest thinking. And finally, the DSM-TR defines narcissistic personality disorder as a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy. What does the text revision have to say about cluster B in general? It says cluster B includes antisocial, borderline, histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders. I remind you by the way that cluster B is also known as erratic and dramatic personality disorder. The DSM continues, individuals with these cluster B disorders often appear dramatic, emotional or erratic. A review of epidemiological studies from several countries found a median prevalence of 3.6% for disorders in cluster A, 4.5% for cluster B, 2.8% for cluster C and 10.5% for any personality disorder. Prevalence appears to vary across countries and by ethnicity, raising questions about true cross-cultural variation and about the impact of diverse definitions and diagnostic instruments on prevalence assessment. I would even add and say that such variance among cultures may raise the possibility that these are not real clinical entities at all, but culture-balanced syndromes. But that's a debate for another time. And the DSM-5 introduces dimensional models for personality disorders. It explains these models in the following way. The diagnostic approach used in this manual represents the categorical perspective that personality disorders are qualitatively distinct clinical syndromes. An alternative to the categorical approach is the dimensional perspective that personality disorders represent maladaptive variance of personality traits that merge imperceptibly into normality and into one another. By the way, I've been advocating this since 1995. And so they created in the text revision, actually in the DSM-5, they created a whole section dedicated to this alternative dimensional model. It's section 3 and there's a full description of the dimensional model for personality disorders in that section. The DSM continues to say, the DSM-5 personality disorder clusters, odd eccentric, dramatic, emotional and anxious fear form, may also be viewed as dimensions representing spectra of personality dysfunction on a continuum with other mental disorders. Yes, exactly DSM. The alternative dimensional models have much in common and together appear to cover the important areas of personality dysfunction, here's to meaning. Their integration, clinical utility and relationship with the personality disorder diagnostic categories and various aspects of personality dysfunction continue to be under active investigation. They need to establish the validity of these alternative models. This includes research on whether the dimensional model can clarify the cross-cultural prevalence variations seen with the categorical model. Okay, let's get to business and our business of course is cluster B personality disorders. In this video I'm going to cover narcissistic personality disorder. The survivors of this video can proceed in the future to other videos in which I will cover borderline personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder as well as psychopathy. Let's start with narcissistic personality disorder and a few breaking news, prevalence, I'm reading from the text. The estimated prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder based on a probability subsample from part two of the national comorbidity survey replication and the national epidemiologic survey on alcohol and related conditions, so this prevalence was actually 6.2%. Yes, all of you were right, narcissism is far more widespread than was given credit for in previous editions of the DSM. A review of five epidemiological studies for in the United States found a median prevalence of 1.6%. So there is still a big debate as to how prevalent narcissism is, but taking into account for example the fact that narcissists are reluctant, they're low to attend therapy or to be diagnosed, I think the 6% is closer to the mark, between three and five definitely. What about sex and gender related features? The DSM has this to say, among adults aged 18 and older diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, 50 to 75% are men. So for the first time or for the second time actually, the DSM accepts that about 50% of all people diagnosed with NPD are actually women. This is a major explosion in the diagnosis of narcissism, pathological narcissism among women. Gender differences, the text continues, gender differences in adults with this disorder include stronger reactivity in response to stress and compromised empathic processing in men as opposed to self-focus and withdrawal in women. As I've been saying, women and men manifest express narcissistic personality disorder differently. Culturally based gender patterns says the DSM and expectations may also contribute to gender differences in narcissistic personality disorder, traits and patterns. So gender bias and even misogyny are reflected in the work on narcissistic personality disorder over the decades starting 107 years ago. What happened to the diagnostic criteria? In short, nothing since the DSM Edition 3 text revision. We're talking 40 plus years, something is wrong with that. We know a lot more about narcissistic personality disorder than we had known in 1980 and yet the text of the diagnostic criteria has changed very little, if at all. This doesn't sound right, but at any rate I'm going to read the text to you, Diagnostic Criteria F60.81. The pervasive pattern of grandiosity in fantasy or behavior, need for admiration and lack of empathy beginning by early adulthood, presented and present in a variety of contexts as indicated by five or more of the following diagnostic criteria. Number one, is a grandiose sense of self-importance. Example, exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements. Number two, is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love. Number three, ideal love by the way is what I call and what Sanger called shared fantasy. Number three, believes that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high status people or institutions. Number four, requires excessive admiration.  Number five, has a sense of entitlement. In other words, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. Number six, is interpersonally exploitative, takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends. Number seven, lacks empathy, is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. Number eight, is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her. Number nine, shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. By the way, those of you who want to view, who want to actually read these criteria, it's on page 760. Much more important than the diagnostic criteria to my mind, is the text. Now the text which describes the narcissist, his functioning, his interpersonal relationships and his internal landscape, the text had been revised. Had been revised in each and every edition of the DSM and the text revision of DSM-5 is no exception. There are few revisions to the text. Rather than point out the differences, I'm going to simply read the entire text to you because it's an excellent introduction to the narcissist, to pathological narcissism and a counterweight to many nonsensical, self-styled experts with and without academic degrees. Listen well. This is the Bible of the psychiatric profession. Ignore, ignore most of the trash online. Here's what the DSM text revision has to say about narcissistic personality disorder, starting with its diagnostic features. The essential feature of narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood, by early adulthood, not earlier, and present in a variety of contexts. Individuals with this disorder have a grandiose sense of self-importance which may be manifest as an exaggerated or unrealistic sense of superiority, value or capability. They tend to overestimate their abilities and amplify their accomplishments, often appearing boastful and pretentious. Yes, yes, I hear you. They may blithely assume that others attribute the same value to their efforts and may be surprised when the praise they expect and feel they deserve is not forthcoming. Often implicit in the inflated judgments of their own accomplishments is an underestimation or devaluation of the contributions of other people. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are often preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love. They may ruminate about long overdue admiration and privilege and compare themselves favorably with famous or privileged people. Now, before I proceed, the alternative model, which I will read to you later, modifies this. And it modifies this to incorporate the latest research which demonstrates conclusively that all this is a facade. It's a compensatory effort. The narcissist deep inside feels inferior, feels empty, feels inadequate. And he tries to compensate for this by pretending to be exactly the opposite. But this does not appear in Edition 4 and the text revision of Edition 4. It makes an appearance for the first time subtly in the DSM-5 and openly and explicitly in this text revision. So the alternative model is very important, much more important than the classical 40 years old diagnostic criteria. And still, I'm going to present to you the entire text so that you can form your own opinions and make up your own minds. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they are special or unique and expect others to recognize them as such. They can be surprised or even devastated when the recognition of a claim that they expect and feel that they deserve from others is not forthcoming. They may feel that they can only be understood by and should only associate with people of high status and may attribute unique, perfect or gifted qualities to those with whom they associate. This is the process of co-idealization. Individuals with this disorder believe that their needs are special and beyond the ken of ordinary people. Their own self-esteem is enhanced, mirrored by the idealized value that they assign to those with whom they associate co-idealization. They are likely to insist on having only the top person, doctor, lawyer, hairdresser, instructor or they would insist on being affiliated with the best institutions that they may devalue the credentials of those who disappoint them. Individuals with this disorder generally require excessive admiration. Their self-esteem is almost invariably very fragile and their struggle with severe internal self-doubt, self-criticism and emptiness results in their need to actively seek others' admiration. Here we come to the compensatory aspect of narcissism. This is why we are beginning to think that narcissists who are ego-distanic, narcissists who don't feel inferior, narcissists who don't feel inadequate are actually not narcissists at all, but psychopaths. What we used to call the overt grandiose narcissist is probably a subspecies or sub-variant of a psychopath. And the only real narcissist is the overt or grandiose narcissist who compensates for a lack of inner conviction for very harsh inner critic for unrelenting self-criticism. This would be a true narcissist or a covert narcissist. That's another variant of a true narcissist. The text continues, narcissists may be preoccupied with how well they are doing and how favorably they are regarded by others. They may expect their arrival to be greeted with great, great fanfare and they are astonished if others do not covet their positions. They may constantly fish for compliments, often with great charm. This is something I called false modesty. The narcissist continues the text. The narcissist has a sense of entitlement which is rooted in their distorted sense of self-worth. And it is evident in these individuals unreasonable expectation of especially favorable treatment. They expect to be catered to and are puzzled or furious when this does not happen. For example, they may assume that they do not have to wait in line and that their priorities are so important that others should defer to them and then get irritated when others fail to assist in their very important work. They expect to be given whatever they want or feel they need, no matter what it might mean to others. For example, these individuals may expect great dedication from others, may overwork others without regard for the impact on other people's lives. This sense of entitlement, combined with a lack of understanding and sensitivity to the wants and needs of others, may result in the conscious, unwitting exploitation of other people. Narcissists tend to form friendships or romantic relationships only if the other person seems likely to advance their purposes or otherwise enhance their self-esteem source of narcissistic supply. They often usurp special privileges and extra resources that they believe they deserve. Some individuals with narcissistic personality disorder intentionally and purposefully take advantage of others emotionally, socially, intellectually or financially for their own purposes and gains. This would be the psychopathic end of the spectrum, by the way. This would be the psychopathic or malignant narcissist. Okay, continuing the text. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder generally have a lack of empathy and are unwilling to recognize or identify with the desires, subjective experiences and feelings of other people. They tend to have some degree of cognitive empathy. That's what I call cold empathy. Cognitive empathy is one component of cold empathy. Cold empathy is reflexive empathy plus cognitive empathy. So, coming back to the text. Narcissists tend to have some degree of cognitive empathy. That's a major departure from previous DSM editions, by the way. Some degree of cognitive empathy, understanding another person's perspective on an intellectual level, but narcissists lack emotional empathy, directly feeling the emotions that another person is feeling. These individuals may be oblivious to the hurt their remarks may inflict. For example, exuberantly telling a former lover that I am now in the relationship of a lifetime, or boasting of health in front of someone who is terminally ill. When recognized, the needs, desires or feelings of other people are likely to be viewed disparagingly, signs of weakness or vulnerability. Those who relate to individuals with narcissistic personality disorder typically find an emotional coldness and lack of reciprocal interest. These individuals are often envious of others, or believed that others are envious of them. They may begrudge others their successes or possessions, feeling that they better deserve those achievements, admiration or privileges. They may harshly devalue the contributions of other people, particularly when those individuals have received acknowledgement or praise for their accomplishments. Arrogant, haughty behaviors characterized narcissists, they often display snobbish, disdainful or patronizing attitudes. These are the diagnostic features. What about the clinical picture, what we call the associated features? The text says, vulnerability in self-esteem makes individuals with narcissistic personality disorder very sensitive to criticism or defeat. Although they may not show it outwardly, such experiences may leave them feeling ashamed, humiliated, degraded, hollow and empty. They may react with disdain, rage or defined counter-attack. However, such experiences can also lead to social withdrawal, or an appearance of humility that may mask and protect the grandiosity. I've described this in my writings decades ago, how narcissists become schizoid, how they withdraw when they are narcissistically injured, let alone modified. I also describe false modesty or pseudo-humility. Interpersonal relations continuous attacks that are typically impaired because of problems related to self-preoccupation, entitlement, need for admiration and a relative disregard for the sensitivities of others. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder can be competent and high-functioning with professional and social success, while others can have various levels of functional impairment. So we have high-functioning narcissists and low-functioning narcissists. Professional capability, combined with self-control, stoicism and interpersonal distancing with minimal self-disclosure, can support sustained life engagement and even enable marriage and social affiliations. Sometimes ambition and temporary confidence lead to high achievements, but performance can be disrupted because of fluctuating self-confidence and intolerance of criticism or defeat. Do you hear this, Donald Trump? Some individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have very low vocational functioning, reflecting an unwillingness to take a risk in competitive or other situations in which failure or defeat can be possible. Narcissists are also, may I add, lazy and some of them are perfectionist, which causes them to procrastinate or avoid tasks altogether. That's my addition. Back to the text. Low self-esteem, with inferiority, vulnerability and sustained feelings of shame, envy and humiliation, accompanied by self-criticism and insecurity, can make individuals with narcissistic personality disorder susceptible to social withdrawal, emptiness and depressed mood. Finally, that's a revolutionary part and reflects everything I've been saying in this channel for almost 15 years. High perfectionist standards are often associated with significant fear of exposure to imperfection, failure and overwhelming emotions. What does a DSM-5 text revision have to say about the development of narcissistic personality disorder and the course of the disorder, the trajectory? Here too, the text has been revised to reflect current knowledge. Narcissistic traits, says the text, may be particularly common in adolescence, but do not necessarily indicate that the individual will develop narcissistic personality disorder in adulthood. Yes, I've been saying it for many, many years. Adolescents are narcissists. People, infants at age two are narcissists. Healthy narcissism is crucial to separation, individuation and identity formation. The DSM continues, predominant narcissistic traits or manifestations of the full disorder may first come to clinical attention or be exacerbated in the context of unexpected or extremely challenging life experiences or crises.  What kind of crisis, bankruptcies, demotions, loss of work or divorces suggests the DSM. In addition, says the DSM, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder may have specific difficulties adjusting to the onset of physical and occupational limitations that are inherent in the aging process. Tell me about it. However, life experiences such as new, durable relationships, real, successful achievements and tolerable disappointments and setbacks can all be corrective and contribute to changes and improvements in individuals with this disorder. So, what about the debate? There's a debate. Are narcissists only able? Is this a societal verdict? Does the diagnostic category of narcissistic personality disorder reflect social mores and therefore is not a clinical entity or is it real? So this is what the DSM has to say. Cultural-related diagnostic issues. Narcissistic traits may be elevated in social-cultural contexts that emphasize individualism and personal autonomy over collectivist goals. Compared with collectivist contexts in individualistic contexts, narcissistic traits may warrant less clinical attention or less frequently lead to social impairment. Here, I disagree with the DSM and I've been disagreeing with the DSM for decades. The locus of grandiosity can be individualistic but can be also collectivist. If you talk to a Japanese narcissist, he is not likely to brag of his own traits, accomplishments and behaviors, but he is likely to boast of the traits, accomplishments and behaviors of the company he works for or of his nation or of his family. The locus of grandiosity shifts from the individual to the collective but it is still pathological. What about suicide? Is it common? The DSM has this to say about association with suicidal thoughts or behavior. In the context of severe stress and given the perfectionism often associated with narcissistic personality disorder, exposure to imperfection, failure and overwhelming emotions can evoke suicidal ideation. They are referring actually to narcissistic modification. Suicide attempts in individuals with narcissistic personality disorder tend to be less impulsive and are characterized by higher lethality compared with suicide attempts by individuals with other personality disorders. In other words, the narcissist plans and then executes the suicide and he is hell bent and intent on accomplishing this goal, while the borderline for example uses suicide threats as a cry for help and attempts to attract attention and many of her attempted suicides fail. But it's very crucial to note that 11% of people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder end their lives successfully and that this figure is dramatically higher than among people with narcissistic personality disorder. Differential diagnosis. How can we tell narcissism from other personality disorders, especially other personality disorders in cluster B? Other personality disorders, says the DSM, may be confused with narcissistic personality disorder. Do you hear that? All you self-styled experts online with and without academic degrees, you're making a hash of it. You're misleading your audience, conflating and confusing narcissistic personality disorder with antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy and so on. So the DSM harshly criticizes you indirectly. I repeat, other personality disorders, says the DSM, may be confused with narcissistic personality disorder because they have certain features in common. For example, grandiosity. Hello, grandiosity is common to psychopathy, narcissism and borderline, but not all psychopaths are narcissists. If you say that all psychopaths are narcissists, you have no idea you don't have the first inkling about narcissism or psychopathy.  It is therefore important to distinguish among these disorders based on differences in their characteristic features admonishes the DSM. However, if an individual has personality features that meet criteria for one or more personality disorders, in addition to narcissistic personality disorder, all of these disorders can be diagnosed, and this is called comorbidity. The most useful feature in discriminating narcissistic personality disorder from histrionic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders, in which interactive styles are coquettish, callous and needy, respectively, is the grandiosity characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder. The relative stability of self-image and self-control, as well as a relative lack of self-destructiveness, impulsivity, separation in security and emotional hyperactivity, also help distinguish narcissistic personality disorder from borderline personality disorder. I will try to decipher this passage for you, because it's very crucial. They say that narcissists have a stable self-image. The grandiosity is there all the time, and that's very true. The grandiosity of the borderline fluctuates. The grandiosity of the psychopath is reactive. It becomes grandiose in certain situations, while the grandiosity of the narcissist is a background noise. It's white noise. It's always there. Additionally, says the DSM, the narcissist is less self-destructive, less impulsive, suffers less from separation in security or abandonment anxiety, and is less emotionally dysregulated, emotionally hyper-reactive than people with borderline personality disorder, and it's all very true, of course. The DSM continues, excessive pride in achievements, a relative lack of emotional display, and ignorance of or disdain for other sensitivities, help distinguish narcissistic personality disorder from histrionic personality disorder. Although individuals with borderline histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders may require much attention, those with narcissistic personality disorder specifically need that attention to be admiring. The individuals with antisocial and narcissistic personality disorder share a tendency to be tough-minded, glib, superficial, exploitative and unempathic. I want to clarify something here. The narcissistic supply, the attention can be positive or negative, but it should be admiring. You should be in, you should be ordered by the narcissist, AWED, ordered, but the narcissist should be perceived as awesome. Awesome for his notoriety and infamy and cruelty and sadism and fearfulness and so on, or awesome for his intelligence and accomplishments and altruism and so on. But always awesome, always adulated and admired for positive traits and behaviors as well as for negative traits and behaviors. The narcissist prefers to be feared and hated rather than be ignored, but the fear and hatred should be imbued with being awestruck, being fascinated and amazed by the narcissist. The DSM continues, however, a narcissistic personality disorder does not necessarily include characteristics of impulsive aggressivity and deceitfulness. You hear this? The narcissist is not necessarily deceitful. Narcissists don't gaslight. Psychopaths do. Jesus, what a mess people are making online. I'm especially furious at the egregious misrepresentations by people with academic degrees who know nothing about these disorders and pretend that they do and leverage their degrees. In addition, individuals, the DSM continues. In addition, individuals with antisocial personality disorder may be more indifferent and less sensitive to others' reactions or criticism. And individuals with narcissistic personality disorder usually lack the history of conduct disorder in childhood or criminal behavior in adulthood. Now, there are various considerations of mania or hypomania, bipolar, a staging bipolar disorder which imitates narcissism. There is an issue of substance use and how it affects narcissistic personality disorder. There is an issue of depression or persistent depressive disorder and how it manifests in narcissism, but I'm not going to all this now. I will continue the differential diagnosis part. It's F60.6, the code. The DSM says, in both narcissistic personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, the individual may profess a commitment to perfectionism and believe that others cannot do things as well as he can. In other words, he finds it difficult to delegate. However, while those with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder tend to be more immersed in perfectionism related to order and rigidity, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder tend to set high perfectionistic standards, especially for appearance and performance, and to be critically concerned if they are not measuring up to these standards. In other words, narcissists put an emphasis on appearance, obsessive-compulsive, place an emphasis on substance. Suspiciousness and social withdrawal advises the DSM, usually distinguish those with schizotypal, avoidant or paranoid personality disorder from those with narcissistic personality disorder. So, the others are suspicious and they withdraw socially. When these qualities are present in individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, they derive primarily from shame and fear of failure. Fear of having imperfections or flaws revealed the imposter syndrome. So, narcissists withdraw when they anticipate failure, modification, injury. They deeply ashamed of themselves. They have an internalized bed-object. They regard themselves as unworthy and inadequate and a walking-talking failure. Narcissism is compensatory, not happy-go-lucky, not daring-do. This is a psychopath. The DSM continues. Many highly successful individuals display personality traits that might be considered narcissistic. Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive and persisting, and only when they cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress, do they constitute narcissistic personality disorder. This is Lin-Sperry's distinction between narcissistic style and narcissistic personality and narcissistic disorder. The DSM continues. Grandiosity may emerge as part of manic or hypomanic episodes in bipolar disorder. But the association with mood shapes or functional impairments helps distinguish these episodes from narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder must also be distinguished from symptoms that may develop in association with persistent substance abuse. Experiences that threaten self-esteem can evoke a deep sense of inferiority and sustain feelings of shame, envy, self-criticism and insecurity in individuals with narcissistic personality disorder that can result in persistent negative feelings resembling those feelings seen in persistent depressive disorder. If criteria are also met for persistent depressive disorder, both conditions can be diagnosed. This is something I've been saying for decades. Narcissists do experience depression, but it is reactive, and the environment triggers in them dysphoria and shame. I have a video dedicated to it, which I posted a few weeks ago. Those three weeks ago. What about comorbidity? The DSM says narcissistic personality disorder is associated with depressive disorders, persistent depressive disorder and major depressive disorder, anorexia nervosa, eating disorder and substance use disorders, especially related to cocaine. Coke. I would add alcohol, but that's more common in borderline. Histrionic borderline, antisocial and paranoid personality disorders may also be associated with narcissistic personality disorder. And now we come to the major breakthrough that didn't make it. This should have been what I'm about to read to you. This should have been the new diagnostic dimensions for narcissistic personality disorder. They are included in the alternative DSM-5 model for personality disorders. And here is what the DSM has to say about the alternative model. The alternative model says the DSM is provided as an alternative to the extant personality disorders classification in Section 2. This is a hybrid dimensional categorical model in Section 3, and it defines personality disorder in terms of impairments in personality functioning and pathological personality traits. The conclusion of both models of personality disorder diagnosis in DSM-5 reflects the decision of the APA Board of Trustees to preserve continuity with current clinical practice, while also introducing an alternative approach that aims to address numerous shortcomings of the approach in Section 2 to personality disorder. Okay, I'll try very hard to believe you. For example, in the approach in Section 2 continues the DSM, symptoms meeting criteria for a specific personality disorder frequently also meet criteria for other personality disorders, and other specified or unspecified personality disorder is often the correct, but mostly uninformative diagnosis in the sense that individuals do not tend to present with patterns of symptoms that correspond with one and only one personality disorder. That's the comorbidity problem. By the way, there's another problem, the polythetic problem. Since every five of nine criteria qualify you for a diagnosis, you and I can be diagnosed with the same personality disorder, but share only one diagnostic criteria. Your personality disorder diagnosis would rely on criteria one to five, and my diagnosis would rely on criteria five to nine. We could be as different as possible and yet be diagnosed with the same personality disorder, which is unconscionable. It's crazy. It's called the polythetic problem. The DSM continues in the following alternative DSM 5 model. Personality disorders are characterized by impairments in personality functioning and pathological personality traits. The specific personality disorder diagnosis that may be derived from this model include antisocial, avoidant, borderline, narcissistic, obsessive compulsive, and schizotypal personality disorders. This approach also includes a diagnosis of personality disorder traits specified. This is the approach of the 11th edition of the ICD. Such a diagnosis can be made when a personality disorder is considered present, but the criteria for a specific disorder are not met. So what is the alternative model for narcissistic personality disorder? By the way, you can find it in my book in the latest edition of Maligan Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited, and you can also find this text in the original DSM 5 text publication in 2013. So narcissistic personality disorder, the alternative model, specifiers. Typical features of narcissistic personality disorder are variable and vulnerable self-esteem, with attempts at regulation, through attention and approval seeking, and either covert, either overt or covert grandiosity. That's it. Covert narcissism has officially made it into the DSM 5. Congratulations! It's been 33 years in the making. The DSM continues, characteristic difficulties are apparent in identity, self-direction, empathy, and or intimacy as described below, along with specific maladaptive traits in the domain of antagonism. So here are the proposed diagnostic criteria according to the alternative model. A. Moderate or greater impairment in personality function manifested by characteristic difficulties in two or more of the following four areas. Area number one, identity, excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation, exaggerated self-appraisal, inflated or deflated or deflated or vacillating between extremes. Emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem. No core identity and narcissistic self-idealization versus self-devaluation, all described in my work decades ago. Area number two, self-direction, goal-setting based on gaining approval from others, personal standards unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional or too low based on a sense of entitlement, often unaware of own motivations. Number three, so I want to make a distinction here, narcissists are self-aware in the sense that they are fully aware of what they're doing, their actions, but the DSM is right. They're not aware of why they're doing what they're doing, their motivations. Area number three, empathy, impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of other people. Excessively attuned to reactions of other people, but only if perceived as relevant to self, over or under estimation of own effect on others. Number four, intimacy, relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation, mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others' experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain. Both of the following pathological personality traits should be present in a diagnosis suggests the DSM text revision. Number one, grandiosity and aspect of antagonism, feelings of entitlement either overt or covert, self-centeredness firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others, condescension towards others. Number two, attention-seeking and aspect of antagonism, excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of other people. Admiration-seeking, traits and personality-functioning specifiers may be used to record additional personality features that may be present in narcissistic personality disorder, but are not required for the diagnosis. For example, other traits of antagonism, examples, manipulativeness, deceitfulness, callousness are not diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, but can be specified when more pervasive antagonistic features are present. And for the first time, the text uses the phrase malignant narcissism. That was first suggested in the 70s by Otto Kemper. They should take their time, the DSM committee. Other traits of negative affectivity, example, depressivity and anxiousness can be specified to record more vulnerable presentations of narcissism, covert narcissism. Furthermore, although moderate or greater impairment in personality function is required for the diagnostic of narcissistic personality disorder, a level of personality functioning can also be specified. In some ways, the text revision of the DSM-5 is uplifting. Covert narcissism made it finally into the text. Malignant narcissism made it finally into the text. The recognition that women are equally as likely to be diagnosed with NPD as men finally made it into the text. In this sense, the text is cutting edge. It recognizes that narcissism is a compensatory mechanism for a deep-set feeling of inferiority, inadequacy and shame. It's a major evolution in thinking. Similarly, the manual final recognizes that narcissists are not happy or lucky that they are ego-distancing and very, very likely to suffer from depressive disorders. These are all major changes in thinking and diagnostic presentation. And I welcome all of them, but it's not gone far enough. I feel let down by this revision because it did not go as far as the 11th revision of the ICD, recognizing that all personality disorders are facet of one underlying clinical entity. And that people, through the mechanism of collapse, gravitate from one personality disorder to another or from one manifestation of personality disorder to another. They can gravitate from overt or covert narcissism, somatic to cerebral narcissism, and they can also gravitate from narcissism to borderline and back. This comorbidity and the polythetic problem, they go to show that a categorical approach to personality disorders is absolutely, manifestly wrong. It's easier on the insurance companies and encourages, of course, the dispensation of psychopharmacological drugs. It enhances the profits of several industries, but it has nothing to do with reality. Men is not a category. Men is not a list of diagnostic criteria. Men is a river. Men is in flux. My model of self-states, based on Philip Bromberg's work and others, is much more adaptable, reflects much more reality. The DSM-5 in short is counterfactual and that's a great pity because they've almost made it. They almost got there and at the last moment they chickened out. Maybe that in itself should be a new disorder, DSM committee membership disorder. How about that? They have pathologized almost everything else from coffee drinking to the Internet. Why not procrastination, avoidance and fearfulness in the face of industries like the insurance and pharmacological industries? I think it should qualify as a disorder. What say you members of the DSM steering committee? Thank you for listening and as I said, this is the first in three. There will be another one on borderline and another one on antisocial in due time. If you stick by me, are faithful and loyal and suffer my narcissism to its extreme. You had been warned.


news update. Good afternoon folks this is Steve Rhodes coming to you live from the shores of very sunny Delray Beach Florida with your 2 p.m. update and we are waiting the Fed decision I'm waiting for just to see what it does. We've got markets are going to move here definitely going to clog my system. So the Fed is raising their rates to point by 0.75% out there. So three quarters of a point to the upside. So now here you can see if you're watching the system my system my screen. So you got the Dow it's going to be jumping around. So there's a I've got quite a few charts that are open out here so but right now the initial reaction has been a move to the upside. The Dow has gone up to around 345 points but that could change here in a heartbeat. The S&P is up about 51 points. Again it's a little bit of a slow throughput of data here. So we're just really as opposed to going and take a look at other charts or what have you. Well we can we can take a look at these charts here. Let me mark it update charts see if there's any real kind of signals or information here that's helpful to us. Really not. Now in the case of the NQ there is a new profile that's attempting to form so it won't I won't get a confirmation of this until this evening but 11 7 16 is where the sellers are hanging out right now. You're trading about 11 5 89 so that's a level to be watching out here. Let's go back to the to the other chart details. So we are bouncing around. We were up 340 I believe a few minutes ago now we're up 270 inside of the Dow and but again you can see the numbers aren't changing here. I wish they were that I could give you complete updates but I can't.  We'll need to really see what happens by day's end. But stay tuned because your favorite polar bear. He's up next. So we'll spend an hour with you take a look at these markets and where things have traded to and what to expect. Then Tom O'Brien obviously you'll take us on home and you know I'll be back with you tomorrow at one o'clock sharp but right now we're pretty much at where we began at 2 p.m. the Dow showing up about 200 points or so the S&P about 38. So folks stay tuned your favorite polar bears up next. I'll see you tomorrow at 1 o'clock sharp at 1 o'clock sharp have a wonderful Wednesday and thanks again for joining us. Thank you.


Hi, I'm Rusty Kamori, and this is Beyond the Lines on Think Tech, Hawaii. I was the head coach of the Punahou School Boys Varsity Tennis Team for 22 years, and we were fortunate to win 22 consecutive state championships. This show is based on my books Beyond the Lines and Beyond the Game, and it's about inspiration, leadership, and creating a superior culture of excellence. My special guest today is the author of the new incredible book titled, What Day Are You? He is Steve Sombreiro, and today we are going beyond children's books. Hey, Steve, welcome back to Beyond the Lines. Aloha, coach Rusty, thanks for having me back.  And now, everybody knows that you're the co-author because you have your daughter Candace as a co-author in this wonderful book, What Day Are You? And I've read it. I love it. I want everybody out there to get it. And Steve, I want to ask you if you can share, for the first time publicly, your story about suicide. Right. Well, I don't even know where to start, but it was a very dark time in my life several years ago. I had just moved to Hawaii a few years earlier due to a medical crisis in the family. And it involved my daughter, who I think we talked a little bit about last time, but she came down with a very, very rare blood disorder, and we had to get her cured. And so it was a crisis. I left everything in Guam. I had just had an amazing five years in Guam. Everything I touched, I might have touched. I was prospering at a very young age. And all of a sudden, my daughter got very sick, and so we had to leave everything and just pack up and move to Hawaii. And we managed to rescue and save my daughter. So it was the right thing to do. We were meant to be here. And so I had just survived that. But then in my business side, I left everything in Guam, and I had just moved to Hawaii, gone to get my MBA. And then the business I got involved with was Cheney Brooks, the current company that I currently own. But it was in a really, really bad state. It was a company that was ready to shut down. We had to lay off a lot of people, and financially it was upside down. And so everything was just not going well. And as you know, Horasi, I am a high achiever. I've been raised that way.  And if you make that your identity, you will lose your identity. And I think that's what happened to me. And so I recall everything was just going bad. And I was getting nasty letters from employees that had just been laid off. We were losing accounts, and nothing was going right. And so I went deeper and deeper into a dark hole until I said, man, I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. And I didn't even bother to ask for help. And that was also the wrong thing. I should have asked for help. But like most high achievers, you also plan your exit. And so I told myself, you know what?  And to do that, I'm going to listen to really cool music. And I said, I'm going to stop by Tower Records in Pearl City and pick up a CD. I don't know if the listeners know what a CD is. Maybe the young people don't, but we were listening to CDs. And so I went to Tower Records, and I went to the sampling desk, and I listened to a bunch of tracks. And I heard one that sounded really cool. It had that beat. And I said, this is it. This is the last music I'm going to listen to, right? So I get in my car, I pop CD into my CD player, and off I went to West Oahu. And I was getting closer and closer. And by the time I got there, though, I started listening to the lyrics. And lo and behold, I realized then and only then that it was a Christian music with a really rock and roll beat. And the words just stopped me because the words basically said, I'm no one without you. What will I do without you? And right at that moment, I realized that that was talking about not just about God, but about my family, who I was about to leave behind. My wife, my kids, my parents, my friends. And so by the time I got to the end of the road, I stopped the car and I was listening. I was crying and I looked up and I swear I saw the most beautiful, red spectacular, red sunset ever in my life. And that's when I realized that I was not alone.  And I'll never forget, it was a music called My Oxygen and it was by a group called Avalon. And you won't believe this, but I met the singer just a few weeks ago.  And he basically said, you know what, that music, nobody really commented. It was one of our more insignificant songs. But I have a feeling that song was meant for you, for you alone. And so anyways, that's what happened to me. And I went in a very, very deep and dark hole, almost took my life. But if it hadn't been for that one music that I listened to and I heard God's voice and I started to see all the love that was around me and here I am. And so I look back on that and I tell myself, if a song can stop someone from going over the edge, perhaps a book can. And so that's one of the reasons why I was inspired to write this book is because you can very quickly go into a very dark place in your life. And but sometimes it takes a song and sometimes it takes a book to stop you. Steve, I want to really thank you, I mean, for sharing your story. I mean, that's so brave and courageous of you to really open up and share what happened. I'm sure it's going to save other people's lives. And I mean, let's go right into what day are you? I mean, what, what, how did the book come about? Yes, this book, I tell my friends that I've written a book and my colleagues and my clients and they're like, you wrote a book. OK, it must be about real estate. It must be about investments. It must be or maybe even beer, right? A loa beer. And I said, no, it's none of that. It's about a turtle. It's a story about a turtle out on the north shore of Oahu on Laniakea Beach, Turtle Beach to be more precise. And this turtle learns valuable life lessons from a hermit crab called Gigi. And she learns that, you know, in life there's three things. There's yesterday, there's today and there's tomorrow. And through a mathematical formula that Gigi shows her, she realizes and understands mathematically that today is the most important day you should be focused on. And hence the question, what day are you? And Steve, why, why did you enlist Candace, your daughter, to co-author the book with you? Well, you know, Candace brought me here to Hawaii, as you know, right? If it wasn't for her illness, I wouldn't be here today. I had to drop everything and I had to move to Hawaii. And, and on top of that, Candace has an amazing creative mind. And she also has studied behavioral sciences. And I think she actually wanted to be a psychologist, not a beer magnet. Now I have her running my beer company for me. But she actually volunteered for suicide hotlines. She helped people with counseling. And so I reached out to Candace and said, hey, listen, you know, there's a story that I want to convey and I want to convey to teenagers and three teens. And I'm thinking about this, these characters. And she basically helped me to organize my thoughts and made it so that it's fun. And, and, and it tells a story. Yeah, I love it. And I love the names of the of the creatures, the sea creatures in your book. And, and I want to ask you, Steve, about Carissa Moore. She's our Olympic gold medalist in surfing. She endorsed your book. How, how meaningful was her endorsement for you?   She is highly revered by everybody in the surfing world as well as just sports in general, she has a big name in Japan. And, you know, I'm trying to reach people in Japan as well, because, as you know, suicide amongst teenagers in Japan is one of the highest in the world. And they even have a word for kids that seclude themselves and basically just lock themselves up. It's called Hikikomori. Hikikomori is a really serious problem in Japan. And so Carissa Moore, through her foundation, the more Aloha Foundation, she's basically bringing kids to Hawaii and teaching them surfing. But through that adventure and through that sports, she's teaching young girls, ladies, empowering them with confidence and letting them know that put your mind to it, you can do anything in life. And so she, she is at doing exactly what I was hoping that this book would do is to inspire people to give them confidence and give them hope in their futures and let them know that, you know what, you shouldn't do well in the past and you shouldn't be worried about the, the, the tomorrow's, it's all about today.  And so I think Carissa is doing exactly what I hope to do with this book. And so I've been, I would like to support her with, with the sale of the books. And so, Steve, tell me more about what you're doing with the book sales. And when you presented that special $10,000 check to Carissa's foundation, I mean, she must have just been over the moon with that. Oh, yeah, I don't think she even expected that. You know, her foundation came out here with kids from Japan. And I told her that I'd like to give pass out books to her, her students. And so I think that's what she was expecting was copies of books that I would pass out, but then I pulled out the check and I presented to her. And I tell you, there was a moment there when she started crying. It was all teary-eyed. And she confided with me and said, Steve, you know, thank you so much. You have no idea how difficult it is to raise money. And I said, I know, I know, and say, can you please stop crying? Because you're making me cry now. So, but what, what an amazing moment there, that photo that you just shown to be able to support Carissa's foundation and amazing work she's doing to help kids. Well, you know, Steve, I always say it's teamwork, right? I mean, none of us can do what we do by ourselves.  It will. And tell me about, is there a certain sea creature character that aligns with your life? Oh, yes. You know, there are three creatures there, right? The yesterday mode is a character, he's a mud crab and his name is Uku. And Uku is going through depression. He's going through anger because, you know, in Hawaii, Uku means what headlights, right? You know, that's what it means. And so Uku has been teased all his life by his friends, his crab friends. And so he's a very crabby crab. And so he has been isolating himself. And, but he's dwelling on the yesterdays, what happened in the past. And then there's another character called Wiki. Wiki is a ghost crab that's running around the beach, digging one hole after another. You've seen ghost crabs, right? They're just fast. We got to really look for them. But they're running from hole to hole, digging a hole. And but he's this Wiki, which means fast, right? Wiki, Wiki, fast, fast, is only word about tomorrow. He's never satisfied with the hole that he's dug. He thinks that it's not good enough. And so he's digging another hole. So in my life, I realize, you know, Russia, I don't know if you know this, but I'm I'm in my sixties now. And you probably thought I was in the eighties. Maybe I don't have my sixties, but I realized that, you know, in this timeline, right? That when we're when we were born and we die and everything in between, when you're young, you're worried about your tomorrow. And it so happens that I was a Wiki, Wiki, Wiki, just worried about tomorrow and I was pushing myself and I was a high achiever. But then as I get older and I look back, I have more about memory, more things that I think about. And then you start becoming an Uku. So, you know, you can become a Wiki, you can become an Uku, but the book says that you need to be a today mode person. And there's a character called Nuku. And Nuku is a monk seal that is living and embracing the two days. And he's a really happy monk seal that teaches that valuable life lesson to Moko and that's the main character, Moko. And in the book, she's told that it's the today mode is the aloha spirit. And she says, wait a minute, I thought aloha was a Hawaiian greeting that said hello and goodbye. And then she realizes that every single day we say aloha hello to tomorrow. And we say hello aloha goodbye to our yesterdays. So there is a hello and there is a goodbye. And but everything in between is what we call today. And that is that space and time when you can really embrace the moment and practice what we call the aloha spirit. Steve, I love hearing all of this. I love the names that you gave the characters in the book. And Steve, this past weekend, you had your book signing at Barnes & Noble. I mean, this was your first official book signing and I was there to support you and you had a tremendously great crowd of people. How did it feel to be there for your first official book signing? It was just amazing. I tell you, I saw friends that I hadn't seen in a very long time. And again, many of them were surprised that I would actually write a book about a turtle and it was targeting teens and preteens. And but I also met strangers, people I've never met. And they basically reached out their hands and Steve, you know what? I want to thank you for writing this book and the testimony you've given on TV and the interviews. You have no idea how much it means for people like me that are suffering through depression and anxiety. And this book is going to give me hope. And so and I've been meeting people out of the blue is just reaching out to me and thanking me for the book. So I tell you, you know, in the book, it says there that if I could save one life from this book, I've done my my work. And I think I have a feeling we might have saved a few lives already. Oh, Steve, I have no doubt. I have no doubt about that. And I want to ask you about your publisher, who is also my publisher, Brian Heathman. He's the founder CEO of Made for Success Publishing. And he's so tremendous at what he does. How was that experience working with Brian in getting your book published? Brian's an amazing guy. You know, I reached out to a few publishers out there and he read my manuscript and immediately reached out to me. And I said, Steve, I'm going to come out. I'm going to come out to Hawaii. No, he's in Washington State, right? So he says, I'm going to come out. I want to meet with you. I want to talk to you. And so he came out and visited me at Aloha Beer, of course. I wasn't sure if he wanted to just have three beers or really wanted to talk to me about my book. But he really genuinely told me and said, you know what? This is a book we want to do. We've never never done children's books before. But this is one book that I think has a purpose. And a meaning that will really define the word made for success. And so he coached me through the whole process and showed me the way navigating all the way, how to present it. He had editors that spent a lot of time improving what had already been written. And of course, he worked with our artist, Journey Flores and took all her drawings and presented in a way so that this book is just amazing. It's the pages are in color and they actually picked certain phrases from the book to emphasize. And so I think it's a wonderful book and I'm really, really super pleased with it. Well, Steve, I completely agree with you.  Working with him for my third book that's going to be coming out.  He cares. I mean, they're they're just at that highest level. And Steve, I want to ask you more about my books. And thank you so much for being such a great supporter of the book. What I love is so far to date, 10 people, 10 adults have come to me sharing that they were contemplating suicide. And then after reading my books, it changed their mindset and it saved their life. And I know that you were very impressed hearing Sergeant Chris Kim's show where he shared his story and how brave and courageous he is for really coming out publicly to share his story. What are your thoughts about Sergeant Chris and how my books are helping other people with mental health issues?  And who would have thought that Sergeant Chris, the tough guy that we see, the guy with a nice smile on TV, you know, and with crime stoppers, right? And who would have thought that he had gone through an episode of suicide in his life? And so the fact that you had him on your show and become that transparent and share his story it actually gave me confidence to share my story. And I think this is a subject that we all seem to like sweep under the rug. We cannot. We need to bring it out. We need to bring it out and open. We need to help each other. And I think what you just saw with your book, when you wrote your book, Beyond the Lines, I think what happened is what we call unintended consequences, right? I'm not sure you wrote your book specifically to stop people from suicide, but it's one of the best unintended consequences of your book. And so more power to you, Coach Rusty. I think your book is going to, your third book is going to do exactly that is to really, really help people to, you know, get a grasp of their lives, not just only about perfection and seeking excellence, but maybe starting with the basics of just appreciating the fact that we're all alive and that we have the ability to make choices in our life to become happy. I, you know, I completely agree with you, Steve. Yes, this was an unintended consequence. I wanted to write books that would literally apply to every student and every adult in the world, which it does. I just had no idea that it would be helping to save people's lives. And what I love about your book and is how our books together, I mean, it's it's helping students and adults with anxiety, depression, suicide. And we have it. I mean, we have testimony. I mean, we're proving it. And I'm trying to change the narrative, Steve, from mental health to mental fitness, because when I'm doing executive coaching, I'm trying to help people with their physical fitness so that they can have peak performance at work, peak performance at home. I'm also helping them with their mental fitness so they can do the same at work and at home. That's sometimes that stigma of mental health seems like there's something wrong, but all of us need to improve our mental fitness, right? That's right. That's right. We do. And and and we also need to be able to reach out for help. Right. We need to be able to. So if I if if only I had someone had taught me that it's OK to reach out for help, I probably would have not gone into that dark hole. And and I think all of us, you know, we need to also recognize the people around us, people that we love, people, our friends, maybe suffering, they might be wearing a mask that doesn't show it. But behind that mask sometimes is a very sad person struggling and asking for help. So we need to be able to recognize that and reach out and touch someone and give them words of encouragement. So that's what I think your book is going to achieve. And like you said, we want people to come out and talk about these issues because holding it in doesn't do any good. It just starts to manifest. And when you're able to talk about it, sometimes reality doesn't match what's going on in somebody's mind, right? That's exactly right. And and I think it also starts with the ability to embrace the moment. You've got to embrace the moment. You know, and I I want to, you know, I'm on the on the board of New Hope Church. And so I try to study scripture and I try to memorize them. And the one that I hold dear in my heart is Psalm 118, right? It says this is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. We've got to be glad in it every day that we wake up. So I hope that your book and mine together will reach out a lot of people and let them realize that, you know what, life is too precious. Our our lives, we are all precious and we are all so loved by our creator and by our families. And we must remember that. And it all starts from there. Steve, I want to mention your Cushman Wakefield, Cheney Brooks holiday party that you just recently had at the Hale Kalani. And I was able to meet one of your extra special clients, Mr. Katsuhiro Kinoshita, and he's such a wonderful man.  I mean, it was such a great event.  I mean, but how special of a night was that for you? That was a super special night, you know, to have you there and to coach my entire staff and managers, you know. And like like you said, you know, it takes a it takes a team. It takes a whole village to get things done. I have one of the best people that I can work with. They're all special to me. They're all part of my family. And I and I wanted them to hear from you first and from coach Rusty what it takes to become a better manager, to become a better person. And and more than that, I also wanted Mr. Kinoshita to to to meet you with you. Mr. Kinoshita is somebody I admire. He's Forbes ranked richest man in Japan that I learned quite a bit. He's like my Gigi, that the character Gigi in the book, he he throws thoughts and ideas to me about investment and and and what investments really all about. And so I wanted to also pay back by having him meet with you. Well, it was my honor and thank you for having me as your keynote speaker there.   And Steve, I want to thank you for again, taking time to be on the show today, but more so to really share your story. I know your story is going to inspire so many others as well as your book. And just want to thank you for taking time to join me on the show today. Thank you, Coach Rusty. And, you know, right now we live in a very, very complicated world, right? We just saw a tragedy in Lahaina and we just saw tragedy in the Noto Peninsula in Japan where they're still pulling bodies out of the rubble. And so, you know, we need to you and I, we need to be the light in the world that gives hope to people. And I think what you're saying through your book and mine will be a flickering light that people can can assemble and gather around and possibly find hope in their futures. Definitely. Thanks, Steve. And thank you for watching Beyond the Lines on Think Tech, Hawaii. For more information, please visit RustyKamori.com and my books are available. Our books are available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. I hope that Steve and I will inspire you to create your own superior culture of excellence and to find your greatness and help others find theirs. Aloha.