On today's show it doesn't get any better than this Bob Saget. It's 3 a.m. Tuesday February 28th 2017. Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman, DavidFeldmanShow.com. On today's program we got a another great one. Bob Saget is with us. Also comedy writer Andrew Goldstein and comedians Kristen Buckles and Julia Rossi. We got a lot of show. Let's get right to it. Joining us from Los Angeles is Bob Saget. You can see him on Fuller House on Netflix. They're taping a brand new season in March. He's on tour getting his next special ready and he's directing a movie in May called Jake. Hello David Feldman, my friend, my hero, my brother, my sister, my wife, my concubine. I just miss you. I miss you bad. I'm sorry. I'm not in the studio with you.  And it's hard to see you because you're under the desk, which is why I love you. And yeah. So yeah, they got it. I'm out to and stand up with my new hour and so I'm going to do like two hour sets, which is more than, you know, you want to give people their money's worth because they really deserve to be entertained, especially nowadays. But I mean, that's just too long. So that's something I've never heard from. Even in Thailand, you've heard you've heard too long and that's true, right? Yeah, that in Bangkok. Yeah. How long did you date too long? Well, I dated her sister three long. She was she was actually too long. So then I dated too long. And too long, starting to look a little long on the tooth. So I'm going to date one long. Your grandmother is six long. And that's just crazy. The woman can't walk without tripping. Yeah. Yeah. And her great-great-grandfather was Huey Long. Yeah.  I think so long. So long the last thing too long said to me. And then let's see what else. What else we got there? You have to get something out there. Oh, sure. She had another sister that would refuse to get electrolysis. She was furlong. That's what I was just gonna, I was going to say that. I swear to God.  I just, I just say it first. Didn't she have a mother named love you long time now? Okay. Yes. Yes. She had no sense of time. So now you want an Oscar. Tell me everything. You want an Oscar. No, I want a student Oscar.  He was just fantastic.  But I just thought everything he did pretty much hit with his tone, you know. Yeah. I want a student Oscar. So they had student Oscar student Academy Award, winners handing out trophies. I just hope they're not the ones that handed out the double extra envelope that they had of Emma Stone's second envelope because they had one on either side of the wings apparently is what happened. That's the big travesty today. The only thing I loved about the Oscars and the travesty of the wrong envelope and wrong announcement of the wrong winner was it wasn't a political story. It was more of a Hollywood story going wrong and no one's really fact-checking. I don't know.  I can't decide. God, I want you to milk me. That's probably a bad aside. It probably is not something I should have just shared up on my head. Oh, God. I have others. You have others? Remember when Dana Carvey did that show for ABC was so great and he did a bit. We had a ton of other squirting milk. He made this whole big prosthetic suit. It was just so good. He was Bill Clinton. That's what it was. Bill Clinton milking being milked. Squirting milk. How many nipples do you have? 12. One for all the days of Christmas because there's six mates of milking and all that. That's two nipples are made. They can handle that. You won a student Oscar. Was it a documentary about your nephew? Yes. Yeah, my nephew had his face. This sounds like a joke because of everything that's led up to this moment. My nephew had a disorder called treat your Collins syndrome, which is his bones were not formed properly, hereditary thing. They operated on him and took ribs out of his chest and rebuilt his cheekbones and his ears. The movie was called through Adam's Eyes and that was 11 minutes long and I was fortunate enough to win. I got up to Temple University. That was my school. I went off to the Academy Award, a merit award. There was another guy, John Block, very brilliant guys that a lot of ABC pieces producing. Used to be Tom Brokaw's major segment investigative reporter, Real News. He won the award ahead of me about a gambler. It was quite fascinating but that was my first indoctrination to filmmaking and I came to LA when I was like 21 and was going to be a filmmaker. Went to USC for three days. They're grad school and then decided, Mitzi at the comedy store said, you're going to work here for free. And I said, okay, good. I'll drop out of college.  I probably would have made 20 films by now. Instead I've made some movies. I'm going to direct the N.A. a movie called Jake that I'm passionate about. And that's that movie you'll like. It's about a kid who's 15 who the family believes is on crystal meth. So my girlfriend calls an intervention on Facebook and that's not where you call an intervention. That's not a good idea. So it's a dark comedy and I'm excited about it. So that made you so you get to get out of the director jail again for a little bit. So it's been a while since then. Well, the last thing I directed, trying to remember where it was, gave me something after my penguin movie. Don't you do, don't you do martyr videos for ISIS? Yeah, all of it, all of it. And the last one was called quill at your head. And it's very, very strong. And it's all but using the overhead compartment, you know, you and it's, you know, that Joe Pesci movie was eight heads in a tuffle bag or something. Kind of get that philosophy to see if TSA stops you if you got eight heads in a tuffle bag. Because according to our regime presently, we're going to get every single ISIS member, which is obviously realistic. There's no way that's not realistic because they're spread all over the world and they're already infiltrated, already here and already everywhere. So there's, of course, they're all at one beer hall. We can get them all. I'm a member. So I get the screeners for the Jihad martyr videos because I vote on the jihad.  But I actually, I came up with merch for ISIS and I'm pretty excited about it. Came up with what? Merch. Oh, merchandise for ISIS. Yeah. It's merchandise. Merch and Dices. So if they have events where they have terrible things that they do, because we're not fans, but merch is merch. And one of the main things I came up with was a t-shirt that there's no hole for the head. And I think that I'm telling you, I think you're going to catch on. It's just two arms and a little bit of an abdomen. I'm incredibly upset at where the world's at. Have you been having trouble sleeping because I've been texting you late at night and you have not, you have been up.   You always have been. Have you been upset? I've been having trouble sleeping. Have you been? I'm worried that our leader will not be able to get his plans implemented. Right to be able to get the right clothes for the apprentice. Because he's not happy with Arnold and he's got to make sure, because you know he's somebody's got a preparation. It's rolling in the dough. So I can't figure out if it's me or him because I've lived through. I'm going, is this, am I looking for an excuse to have an anxiety attack? Well, we're all having it. So it can't just be you. All of us are having it except for the people, you know, the people that support them. And it's understandable. People go, that's my president and I want to support him. And then there's other people that go, that's not my president. And you know, I support America. I love America, but that's not my president. The behavior is disappointing, you know. Let's focus on the positive. Let's do that. I agree with you. I agree with you. I think it's wonderful that he's attracted to his daughter because that shows that he, you know, he really loves her more than just mentally. There you go. He's a great father. He's a great father. And we're, can you say that again? I think I went through the cat. We could use, we could use a great father right now. That's true.  I have three daughters. The reason I think I'm a, a really good father, I would say great because I haven't done everything perfect because I'm so many with is that they're so amazing. They're so beautiful and so smart.   I was. I said, that's not true. That's, I was, where would you come up with a policy like that? I met some of your daughters and they seemed very smart and educated. Some of them had a harem, but some of my daughters, well, I don't want to get into specifics, but they're very worldly and sophisticated and they've seen the world. They've seen some of the world and they haven't seen a lot. They got back from Cuba. They brought me cigars. So they're good daughters. But you weren't overly protective of them. I was sometimes and I needed to be because that's the case. They don't, how do they know how to do things?  They're making mistakes. We all know nothing good happens after midnight at my house anyway. That's the, I remember you said that to me. I was having a sit down with my ex-wife at DuPars at the farmers market at one in the morning. And you said to me, nothing good happens at DuPars at one in the morning. No, that's true. You want to be at DuPars at 11 in the morning when everybody has a script and they're all reading it and they could, he could even just be like anything. He could be the surprego, you know? I mean, it could be a 40 year old spit of a movie gone with the wind, but they want to look like they're working today. They have the script right there. It's really nice. The people at DuPars, it's the best restaurant in Los Angeles. Yes, it is.   I'm sorry. Said my moil. My moil. My moil, so I didn't mean to cut you off. Oh, wow. Yeah. So when you were. My baloney has a first name. Yeah, what's its name? A Harold.  Because we've joked about it. Well, I was, no, let me, let me, let me be honest with you. I've been, I had gay sex in the old school terms of the word. I've had very happy sex. As far as the modern day terms where you can also say that gay means homosexual, I am not, but I feel left out to be honest with you. As a man ever thrown himself at you? Because I've been out with you. Yes. Yes. A man has thrown himself at me one time. I was walking through a warehouse and a guy jumped off of a ladder and he threw himself right at me. And his zipper was down and I was able to catch him when he has a testicle pointed to my mouth, which prevented his fall and actually saved his life. As a guy ever come on to you? I would assume. No, because I wear, I wear ranger, so it's going to be hard for them to, it's not going to be on me because I take off the rain gear and that's that. You're very polite. You're very kind to your fans. I think of all the people I know, you are the most grateful to your fans. Well, it took a long time for people not to go, you know, to hear that Milk Toast Full House or the video show who writes your jokes and, you know, it was commercial television and so there was not a hip quotient, you know, it was family television I was doing. So I didn't disagree with them. But also there's a purpose for it and cynical people don't see that purpose. But I think it's the hardest thing to do. I think the hardest thing to do. The hardest thing for me to do was to do stuff that wasn't my exact comedic voice, which, which would have been more sarcastic, more, more hip, more whatever hip. When you say more hip, you want to be more hip.  But I, I do love when people are entertained by my work and now people are more entertained. I'm out doing stand-up and I'm loving the hell out more than ever because it's the first brand new hour. So the tour that I'm doing is strictly to get myself in order for a new special that I'll be really proud of. So I'm hoping that works. And what is the mood of the crowd right now? Because I've noticed that the crowds have changed. They, they're all saying, what's up with Feldman's facelift? Have you noticed that?  Yeah, they say that to me. But I have noticed the crowd. There is palpable energy out there. They're butt cheeks clench when you mention certain names. Well, my audience is, I talk a lot about stuff below my waist, because I don't do much politics because people suffer enough. And there's enough eloquent people doing it.  It's so topical and changes moment to moment. I'm working literally on a special. So I wanted the common to be more evergreen so that it could be, you could watch it in five years and you're not watching. Oh, wait a second. He got impeached. He's not our president. Right.  Everything changed. There could go either way. He could be king of the earth. How do you fight the temptation to speak out on transitory issues like this? Well, I think a transitory issue, I think everyone should use the same bathroom. I think so. I believe this is what I believe. If you are a transgender and if you are a man and if you are a woman, and if you are any of the categories that can exist in a human being, everyone should use the same exact toilet at the same time like the totem pole. They should sit on top of each other and between each other's legs to get the work done.  You said his duty is to keep on flushing? I did. I did a redundant. And then I went, I did a, you know, I mean, it was, it was a pun, but I've been hashtagging on most of my sites that puns matter. And I really do believe that. If you will put down puns, you know, you'll do a joke, especially on a kid. You're doing a tweet. Let's get back to the important stuff. And I know we only have a few more minutes left, but I'm going to bring up a subject. Well, no, I'm okay. I'm on life support. I know, but I'm going to bring up a subject. And I think you're going to cancel the rest of the day. And we're going to go six hours on this.  We could continue this also at a later date. Okay, let me pitch an idea to you because you already bought. Love it. You like it? I love it. This is a money making idea. Okay. No, does anybody enjoy a public restroom? Nobody. Nobody wants to use a public. I think the people that work there, because they've been standing behind the counter. If you work it in and out, and you get to go into the bathroom, you want to get it out and then go back in. You and I have spent a lot of time in men's rooms, you know, hanging out and nobody's happy. Nobody wants to talk to us. Well, the one thing you and I do that we can't help, it's almost our own little performance artist. We like to hand out paper towels and spray people with cologne and so they're in a fancy restaurant. And so we do it at a Denny's. We'll do it at 7-Eleven. And we just stand right outside. Sometimes we just sit there and go, Hey, excuse me, I've got to make number two. With the word fine, we'll just stand here. And it's just you and me just next to each other. And you've got, you've got that towel folded over your arm like a really fine waiter when you're about to select your steak.  Would you like a picture with it? You had that. Oh, you're saying a duty soppy. Yeah, we'll take a picture of you. It's $5 by the time when you're back at your table. You're saying I extend my arm. Let me get this clear. You're saying what we do is that there's a gentleman sitting on the toilet in a rest stop off the side of the three way. And he is sitting in that toilet. You and I are both in the bathroom with him. He has made number two. And I after we tell him not to flush. And I hope no one's eating right now. And I reach out my selfie arm. I'm very strong on the selfie on selfie. And you're saying I kind of lift the camera up at a high vantage. And I take a picture of myself and you and the guy. And then I ask him to please don't block the actual the bottle. No, it's floating by itself. And we take a picture with the five of us in it. I know it's four of us. Sometimes it's five because he takes him a couple.   But you're saying we take those pictures. That's what you're saying. Yeah, like they do at the store.  And in five minutes, you'd get a framed copy of that photo. And that's what we do. Yes, this is a velvet framed. Yes, it's an oval velvet frame like you just saw Elvis in Vegas. It is a gorgeous framed memento. And I sign it as well because you know, they're fans of Full House Fuller House because that's Fuller House start shooting this month, 18 episodes, third season. And I went right from taking a Polaroid of duty with a man in a 711 bathroom to plugging Fuller House a family show meant for everyone before you go before you go. Let me pitch you this idea because you have access to people with capital. You were at the I do. You do. And this is a great investment. Nobody wants to use a public restroom. You know those like Johnny Sands at a construction site? Andy Gump. Yes, right? Andy Gump. Andy. I didn't come up with Gump when it rhymes with Dump. When I see a port authority, I just think of Jackass. I can't think of anything else. I don't know why because they went and overturned one. I always think of a punch bowl. I think where's a ladle when you need one? Now that's actually upsetting because there's chemicals in those things. So people would die. The only way to do it is to tell ISIS that's where the party is. And give them the ladle. So here's the idea. When you have to when you have to do number two, there's an app. There's an app and you and I, we could do this. It would be like Uber. We would have a car that would tow an Andy Gump and we'd pull up outside the restaurant or the sporting event. You'd go in to our Andy Gump that's parked outside, do your business and then you're done. And you don't have to share a restroom with anybody. And then you and I would drive off and then I know that you learned as a child how to predict the future by reading these things, by, you know, examining. Yeah, it's like like tea leaves. Yeah. You read people's number two and then we can we can figure out how the stock market is going to do basic. Well, you know, you know the invention that retrieves that I invented. It's a part strainer and tong unit. And it's all one, one unit because you can't does anybody, a lot of people don't like this kind of humor, you know, a lot of people do not. Women I know really are offended by poor humor. I know, I know, I know. But you've always enjoyed it. You and I remember immature. This is immature. This is us being silly because we're dealing with the realities of the world. And, and sifting through your poo is something that can take your, it can take your mind off stuff. Is that the name of your special sifting through your poo? Pretty much. Where do you see it?  I'm probably going to clean it up so so many can eat a pizza while they're watching.  You you say to yourself, this is funny. It's hysterical, but it's a bad. It's just I don't want to be known for that. It's funny. Sometimes I'll come up with something thoughtful or more observational and people don't want to hear it from me. They're expecting something else. You know, they want to hear a combination of irreverence with a piece of truth. As we would say back in the world of poo, a kernel of truth.  You know, I am. I have always, sometimes I get a little flush when I say like that, you know, but I just don't remember eating corn.  I don't remember peas, but I don't remember why. I don't know why there's peas in my anyway. Yeah, there are things that I can't get into a battle as I do at night when I think of the injustices that are going on and the profiling and the racism and then the pain that comes from it. And I think the whole problem is when you incite anger in people and fear, you're creating the problem. So I think those are things that I would like to talk about that I will leave to people that can't help but do it because they're, I want to entertain people. I'm going to take them out of, I was talking to the great Norman Lear the other night and not to name her up, but what the hell else am I going to do?  You're putting them into their lives. You're getting them to enjoy an experience as one together. And that is what comedians job is, whether you're being socially relevant or whether you're just entertaining, not just entertaining, it's a pretty significant thing. Or maybe you're shining the light on things. Maybe you're doing some observation that is, you know, you're thinking of what George Collin would say. A lot of it has become almost prophetic. It's become things that are true and just true for all of us. And what, where are we with religion? Where are we with, where have we gotten ourselves to as a culture at this moment in time with this craziness in our world right now? So my thing is to try to have a new song at the end of my show, which is about bringing people together. It's kind of like a, we are the world, but of course it turns off that little alleys would deal with all kinds of things that you wouldn't want to hear on the radio. I'm going to let you go. I thought the subject matter might keep you for another five hours, but I want to be respectful. It might have. It's my number two favorite. I love you. I love you. Hey, but I love you. No, I love man loves another man in a Turkish prison. You know, I love you like a man loves another man when ISIS captures us both because we're journalists, but because we're fake journalists, they let us live and they actually put us in a hotel and treat us really good at the palace. And we decided we're disappointed that we didn't get to be in prison and have sex with each other. So we do it in freedom. That's what I wish for us by the end of 2017. If we were in a cell and ISIS lopped off my head and then they were going to let me get, oh, we have to give me one set.   You would honor my head, right? I would. I would hold it. I would caress it. I'd shake it and see if at the top of it it said try again. No, I would. I would be in horror to be honest. I can be I can be I can be rational right now. I'd be pretty damn upset. Bob Saget. Thank you so much. We'll talk to you. You're an amazing interviewer. You end on a note of what would I do with your severed head after after an airstrike and you would try and you would use it. You would use it as an eight ball. You would shake it. I might and it says try again. You that's my suggestion. Yes. So I could read the future and I would think the future for you at that point is not very good. Would you ever consider if this happens to flip my head right side up, cut the insides and use it as a pencil holder? Like put all your pens and clips and I thought about it. But the first thing that came to mind would be to hook a strap onto it and use it as a head handbag. Farmed out. It'd be I'd imagine what what candles used to do.  You know, you use fur or you use the meat. And I think that's what I would do with your carved out head, David. When you said you would use a strap on, I thought you were going into- No, no, no, no, no.  Okay. Another purse strap. That sounds normal pocket book. That sounds creepy to me. The other kind of strap on. I thought that makes sense. I won't do it. Okay, I'll get that one.  I love you. Goodbye. I love you much more. You keep adding on worse notes. I'll see you in New York. I'll be there. I'm actually playing Westbury in a couple weeks and I'm playing the Count Basie Theater in Jersey and I'm playing Silly and I'll be doing Madison Square Garden for a wonderful show of charity for for children in need and I'm very excited to be doing that and that will be all in the next month or so. So you can see it on my website, which is DavidFelman.com. No, it's BobSagget.com and that will tell you where you can see the benefits that are coming up and if you want to see if I stand up. That was my plug after talking about things that would get people to not want to see me live ever. That's not true. That's not true. And only you can bring that. There's two things you can draw out in me and one of them is is sick comedy and the other is the thing that I have, you know, that I use for procreation. Those are the two things you can pull out of me. Does Westbury still have the sister theater? Which one is that? That was the Valley Forge Music Fair in Philadelphia area. I played Dingo. That was a really good place. I was hanging out. Their business was hanging on. Their business was hanging on by a hair. They really had a problem. Goodbye. I love you. Goodbye. Bye. Thank you. Thank you. Andrew Goldstein joins us. He's the co-host of Sorry I've Been So Busy. It's a podcast he does here at the show Briz Studios with Matt Goldich, who is a comedian and a writer for Seth Meyers and Andrew Goldstein is show running video. It's a new series on MTV International. Yes. So if you don't live, if you live in any of the 16 markets outside of the U.S. that get MTV starting in March, MTV video will be resurrecting the music video. It's basically human beavis and butthead. Do you enjoy running a show? Yeah. I like being the boss. Interesting. You know, it took me a really long time to realize that I have a producer's brain more than I have a writer's brain. I spent 10 years just being a writer and then that, as you know, leads to producing. And once that started, and I go back and forth, but I really do have a producer's brain like when I tried improv in my tool. Well, hang on for one second, because I didn't know producers actually had brains. So most don't. No. Did you stick your head in a microwave? I did. I just mean in terms of like, I see order. I see that belongs there. This belongs there. He belongs there. She belongs there. This is how this should go. As opposed to like, let it organically happen and be fine with it. That's why I sucked at improv, because I would come off the wall and I'd want to produce the scene. And it took me like 10, 11 years to realize that's what I was doing. How hard is it really to be a producer? You can fake it real. I mean, look, a lot of people do a shitty job and end up very successful, but... What is the talent of a producer? Aren't you just a glorified viewer? Yes. You are the... I don't know. You're the...  And you're the captain of the ship. You're managing your staff, which I love. I know a lot of people don't like that. Let's go back to being the eyes, ears and nose of your audience. How hard is that? That means you just sit around, watch TV and say, I don't like that. I have a lot of experience. TV did raise me. I was the youngest of three, single mom. So I have a lot of experience watching TV and being like, I like that. By single mom, you mean you only had one mom. Your parents were married. You just didn't have multiple moms like I did. Yes. No, my dad was a very big part of my life. It was just in the house, there was a mother and there was the father lived somewhere else. So single mom in quotes. But single mom could really be heterosexual marriage now. Yeah. You can say I was raised by... I was raised by a single mom because I didn't have two mothers. I had a heterosexual... You have to qualify it now because two mothers is very normal. Two fathers is very normal. So you can't just say single mom. I like that. I like that. It's a whole new way to think about it. And I can gain sympathy when I commit a crime. I can go before a judge and say, you have to have pity on me, your honor. I was raised by a single mom. Give me a break. That's not lying, under oath. Yeah. What I meant is, I had one mother. I didn't have two mothers. I wasn't lucky enough to be a lesbian. These lucky people with two moms, I only had one. Oh, I'm sorry. I only had one mother. Put me in jail. All right. So back to antagonizing you. No, I'm into it. Listen. I just want to... The two examples.   Yeah. I mean, every writer thinks they're better than the performer they're writing for. And every producer thinks they're better than the writers and the talent that they have, that they're employing.  Yes, sir. You really are.  Thank you. I wasn't sure until recently, because I haven't seen you. Well, I just got married, so... Right. So now you want to be out and about, and that's why I'm seeing you. No, it's hard to, you know, I have mine. I knew you when you were a sweet page at NBC. Yes, sir. And you were kind and excited. Wide-eyed. Yeah. But I don't know if you were funny. One mom. Yeah. I don't know if you were funny or not. Yeah. I kind of knew... I knew you were interested in comedy, but you're really funny. Then I met you at Race Wars again. And I thought, well, if you're working on Race Wars, you're funny. And then just hanging out with you.   Thank you.  Because... It's like I'm at the dog park. Yeah. And because if I say you're funny, that means I'm an alpha male who determines who's funny. You're also implying that you are an expert in funny, which I agree with. Exactly.  Exactly. But let me tell you...  I'll say this.  Being... Doing... Being in all forms of entertainment since 2000, the year 2000, that's when I moved to New York and was a page and everything since then. I've...  I always try to sell myself as... I'm a producer with a writer's pedigree because I spent a decade employing myself as a television writer. I've always had trouble working with producers and respecting those producers that don't have a writer's background and try to, you know, give notes and...  Is your DNA being diluted?  I look at it the other way. I look at it as a strength, whereas like I can do both. I can jump in the writer's room and run that room if I need to. And I can have the respect of the people in that room because I could... I've been... I've done it as opposed to producer X who hasn't done it and jumps in the writer's room and starts giving the notes. This is really interesting. I'm going to stop teasing you and...  This is really important and thank you for doing the show. Of course. David, when you call, I go through all the other things I have to do first and then I try to fit you in, especially in Chabis. What I love about you is you have to do this. Not comedy, this show, because you owe me money. I do. Yeah. No, you have to do this. You were a page because you had to be in show business. As you know, I consider anybody who worked as a page at NBC or CBS to be show business royalty because if you work as a page, you know the plumbing. You know the infrastructure of show business. You know what it's all about. It's a good way to put it. Yep. And you have to be funny. I've noticed that about you. So I have tremendous respect for you and I was just teasing you. Here's what you said that's so important and I want my listeners who are young.  Yeah. Most of my most of my listeners are in Del Mar, Florida. Going, what? Is that my son? They're at a diner with a plate of eggs. This is what the podcast does for most of my listeners tell their parents in a nursing home to listen to this show and they think it's their son calling them. And they think they're listening to it on the transistor radio. Uh-huh. Wait, what were you going to say? Okay. So I have a lot of young listeners. I don't know why, but I do. And I was talking to a young person who was working for somebody and couldn't get a measure on what the job was, what his role was, and what his responsibility is. And I said, well, what do you do? And he said, well, I'm his partner. Really? Does he pick, you know, well, I guess I'm his partner. Maybe, maybe I work for him. Well, does he sign your check? Yes. Oh, then you're not his partner. You work for him. You're in his employee. You're in his employee, which means it's a very simple, because we don't talk about money in our culture. But if somebody's writing your check, signing your check, he's the boss.  And there's a militaristic approach to this. When you're in the military, unless you're being asked to do something that is against the law, you follow orders or quit. A few good men. Or quit. And that's how people should go to work. The other thing to understand is that when you show up at work, if you're the CEO of a corporation, you should hang yourself. No, if you're the CEO of a corporation, you're the boss, but you still work for people. Yes. There's no such thing as an alpha dog in this world. As Bob Dylan says, you got to serve somebody. Everybody has a boss. Everybody. No matter who you think is at the top of that mountain, they're answering to somebody else.  There are times in the day when you're the top dog. But that's momentary. And then 30 minutes later, you're in a meeting with the chairman of the board. And you're not the top dog. Or you're selling something to another company and you're not the top dog. Nobody's the top dog. To be able to have that perspective, which I'm lucky enough to have, look, I never set out to be a producer and a showrunner. All I wanted to do was be in a windowless writer's room, hopefully getting free lunch. That's all I ever set out to do. And so just the fact that I'm in the position I'm in now, I love to go in the writer's room. I fully understand that my ideas are not the best ideas. My jokes are not the best ideas. I'm just part of the team.  I think a lot of people, CEOs, might not have that perspective because they have been on a rocket ship since college. I've seen it with a couple of bosses that I've had, Chris Maguire or Ray James. These were guys who are journeyman showrunners. They go from show to show. I've worked with them where they're not showrunners, where Chris will hire Ray and Ray will hire Chris. And it's really fascinating. It taught me a lot to watch how they lock in to the role of subordinate, that if Ray hires Chris, Chris just shows up, does his job, doesn't question him, waits till Ray says, hey, can you, but just falls in line. And then when Chris hires Ray, Ray falls in line. There's something very militaristic. And it's taught me a lot that when you go to work for somebody, you work for them. I would bet there's a ton of mutual respect between the two of them. I'm in a similar situation. I hired all my friends. That's a mistake. It is a mistake. But they are very talented people. It's a mistake. And one of them is a showrunner in his own right. But on this particular job, he is just directing. He is just directing the talent. And it's really fascinating to be like, well, technically, by the letter of the law, I'm in charge of you, but you're way more experienced as a showrunner than I am. So I'm leaning on you a lot more than you're leaning on me. But the next gig, you might be my showrunner. And that's just how it is. And we all accept that and respect that about each other. Then he's not a friend. No, he's a very close friend. But I think it's a type of friend. I think... Well, we were pages together. It's an occupational friend. Right, which is different from a real friend. Because an occupational friend won't stab you in the back. Won't complain. Won't sit by craft services and say he's doing it wrong. If I was a Dick producer, but I'm a very... Again, I'm new at it. So right now, perhaps there's a grace period, but... No, I think what happens is friend friends, really close friends, who you get drunk with, you hang out with. You've told them everything about yourself. You've... They've seen you at your worst. Before you ever worked together, just friend friends. When you ring them on board, they are the ones who... The minute there's a problem with the show, will complain to your higher-ups. Right. Well, yeah, I mean... Let's say I can do this a lot better. An occupational friend, somebody who you were a page with, would never do that. Yeah, there's a foxhole mentality with those guys. And they know that there's going to be another foxhole. Yeah, exactly. I mean, my best friend got... They all work in not entertainment, and if I hired them because of just cronyism, yeah, it would be a disaster. But in terms of my little inner circle of occupational friends, TV friends, they're the first, second, third, fourth, fifth phone calls I would make. Let's... Before I hire a stranger. Let's talk about ageism. Sure. Ageism. I have a little ageism in my pants right now. I think, God, my son sent me. Oh my God, one of my sons. I make a jizz joke.  This is wonderful. Well, he was my jism once. Exactly. Seamless transition. Seamless. I don't know. I have... My kids are fantastic. I have a kid. I don't want to violate their privacy, but I have a son who's an intellectual, who's now fluent in German, conversational German, reading Heidegger and Marx in the... Wow. I mean, the guy... But when... You're doing a podcast at the Sobrist Studios. I know, I know. I'm kidding. It's kidding, Alex. And he's living the life that he should be. Yeah. I'm very proud of him. When we text back and forth, he is constantly making jism jokes. I mean, it's just... But they're very intellectual jizz jokes. I was gonna...  That's gotta be great as a dad. He said... And I'm telling you, this guy is as progressive and liberal as Ralph Nader. He's just a miracle. Right. And on the right side of history, he said something about being... He no longer... I know... Yes, I read that article and now when I see a homeless guy on the street, I no longer blow my wad in my pants. Here's what he did. He said I was very moved by that. It changed how I see this group of people. And now when I see a homeless guy on the street, I no longer blow my wad in my pants. And I don't go ha.  I love that that's the relationship you have with your son. So I write back... You know, he grew up, I gave my kids notes. I noted my kids to death on their jokes. That's great. And I said, yes. That is... I laughed. That was mathematically correct. Very good. I'm proud of you. But really, is that the best use of your spear to do a joke about blowing your wad in a... He heightened? Yeah.  Well, it was two laughs. One was just the shock of his blowing his wad in his pants from seeing a homeless guy. The profanity was shocking enough. But then the tag with... He blows it in the guy's face. He clearly understands comedy having, you know, being raised by you. He made it even worse. Yeah. Which... But it's a waste of his time. Ageism is the problem. Ageism. Ageism. Ageism. Ageism. Is a singular gism. You're young. You're just starting out. Yes. You're just starting out. Do you think ageism is caused by old people? I'm gonna hypothesize that ageism is the fault of old people because they become victims of their own expertise. They can't sit around a table with young people without saying, ah, we did that already. That's been... Who the... Yeah. Right? Yeah. Do you have trouble? Would you have trouble? I wasn't on the... I wasn't with you on the premise until you gave that example. And I'm like, yeah, that's probably right. That's probably why there's the... There's the... ...hesitants to bring an older person into a room of younger people. Mm-hmm. It's the get off my lawn, you know, we did it better. Look, I'm old, however old I am, 38, and I'm obsessed with the fact... I can't believe certain pop culture things aren't in the frame of... ...aren't in some people's purview. The kids dancing the Lindy. Yeah. I mean, the Lindy and the flappers, they're making fools out of themselves. Yeah. And when I write jokes about that, nobody gets it. My wife, it's weird to say that, we just got married. My wife, we are eight and a half years apart. And I'm a funny...  Everything is a pop culture reference. And it blows my mind that if she doesn't understand a Princess Bride reference or a... But you can rework those references. I mean, if you're...  Mm-hmm. When she's like, I don't get what that means when you say master your domain. She doesn't watch Seinfeld. She has, but now I'm... But she shouldn't be quoting Seinfeld. You shouldn't be getting laughs off Seinfeld.  But I wish I had a better... Even like now, I've gotten her into politics because of everything that's going on. And so certain things will come up during the screaming shows. Certain references will be made. And I'll be like, that is such an interesting point. And then she might not know the reference point. Mm-hmm. Well, while you're trying to think, old man... Yeah. No, but let's go back to your main point. I want to get back to one thing about politics. And I'm not going to talk about politics with you today. I need a breather from politics. That being said, we have a very diffused culture. It's been segmented and it's going to continue to get segmented. But I think one unifying element is politics. There are only 530 politicians. So if everybody pays attention to politics, comedy will be much easier.  All those... Anyway, go ahead. Well, we're going to say about the... The example when everything went down with Mike Flynn, Mike Flynn, General Flynn, somebody was likening it to Oliver North. And so I was like, oh, that's such a good point. And she asked me who Oliver North was. And because I've learned through the pop culture sphere conversations that we've had, I was able to be like, well, okay, so here's what happened. As opposed to be like, you don't know who Oliver North is. You don't remember the Iran Contra affair? Meaning, you know, that's how I used to be. So I've gotten to a better place of being very accepting of the fact that there is a gap there. And so if you take that into the workplace, in my role, I have to be very accepting of my staff, which is mostly millennial. Yeah, I don't want to attack the millennials. I read an interview with a professor, Snyder from Yale, has a new book, and I'm going to try to get him on the show. And he was talking about this. It's a problem. And it could be the end, he says, of the Republic. The inability for millennials and everybody to have any context, any historical perspective, to remember anything that came before us. What it allows is somebody like Stephen Bannon to use the authoritarian playbook. And people don't know that they're doing what Goebbels did. Point, for example, on the cab ride down here, I busted out laughing. I swear to God, this is true. There was a commercial on WINS, the news station, for Budafuco and Associates. I immediately left. Alex, how old are you? 28. 28. I heard a commercial today for Budafuco and Associates. It's a law firm. Does that make you laugh? Who is that again? Yeah. So that would be a perfect example of something that would probably happen with me and my wife or me and one of my millennial office staff. And then you kind of, but what's so interesting, by the way, Joey Budafuco and Amy Fisher, he cheated on his wife with a girl named Amy Fisher. And then that girl, Amy Fisher, came, rang the doorbell and shot his wife in the face. And she survived. And she survived. And that wife was Greta Van Susteren, who now is on MSNBC every night at six o'clock. What people don't know. It's a hilarious joke if you Google image both names. Greta Van Susteren covered the OJ trial and her face was crooked. Yeah. And I used to write jokes. Just like her beliefs. And I used to write jokes. Why is Greta's face out of joint over this?  Or that's almost as crooked as Greta Van Susteren's face. I mean so many. Yeah. And then one day she got it fixed. But did she? Yes. She did kind of. And it was cruel and it was wrong. Yeah. But this was the 90s when. You were allowed. You were allowed. There was no bullying in the 90s. Huh? There was no bullying in the 90s that what that label didn't exist. That was comedy writing. That was comedy writing. You were one. Nobody, nobody tried to get you off a Twitter because of that in the 90s. And it was wrong. Yeah. You are the Milo Yiannopoulos of the 90s, David. We'll get to him in a second. So the fact that nobody knows who Joey Butifuco is, that was a hack premise. Joey Butifuco. Yeah. It got destroyed. It was beyond hack. I remember some, oh, Sinead O'Connor went on SNL and ripped up a picture of the Pope. Yes, yes. And the next week Madonna came on and ripped up a picture of Joey Butifuco. Yeah. Which was pretty funny. That was SNL's answer to the controversy. Yeah. And I remember thinking, wow, Madonna's actually funny. That was really funny. Yeah. Nobody knows who Sinead O'Connor is anymore, including Sinead O'Connor. People, look, dude, Michael Jordan, best basketball player to ever live, iconic, you know, branded person, the whole thing. Now, if you're like 18, you only know him as the crying guy in the meme. Right, Alex? Some kids don't know that he's the greatest basketball player of all time, but if they see his picture, they know that he cried once and he gets destroyed about it on the internet. I'm going to defend the millennials now for not knowing this stuff. They have bad parents who didn't tell them who Michael Jordan is. No. And the effect. They're victims. They're victims. Think about what's going on right now, how you're unable to keep up with all this stuff because of the internet, because everybody's a journalist. Everybody has a podcast. Everyone's an expert, yes. Everybody has a podcast. Everybody has everything. How do you find out what's going on? There's no way. So, if I'm a millennial and millennials are the ones who buy everything and are into fashion and pop culture, pop culture exists because of millennials. Right? Always. They follow what's going on. In order for them to keep up with all this stuff, they have to say, okay, what came before me? There's just no time in the day to learn about what came before me. Yeah, because there's so much else. And that serves our corporate overlords because you can be tricked. You can be tricked if you don't know what happened in the past. Yeah, a whole new reality can be built and you just accept it. And you can, if you want to exploit the millennials, you can use old tricks that they don't know about. But the other side to that is because there are so many mediums that so many that everyone is on, there are these watchdogs all over Twitter that will say, Bannon is basically doing what Gerbils is doing. Here is the proof. Now people ignore it, but that information is out there. There are those voices. There are those. There are many people on Twitter who are watchdogs like that. Yeah, but there's nothing you can tell. But you can't force somebody to follow those people and to see the content, the counter content that they are producing and putting out there. What do you think is going to happen? Just in general. Yeah, tonight. Are we going to have sex? You can play your cards, right? Yeah, I'm a big conspiracy. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I love conspiracy theories. And I think there has to be a shoe that will drop. Every day I wake up being like which journalist is going to get him. And I'm going to go ahead. I'm going to tell you why you're wrong. Really, honestly, not a premise. That goes through my head every morning. I scroll through Twitter and I say which of these guys, which of these watchdogs is going to get him.  Why am I wrong? I'm going to tell you why you're wrong. I want you to think of a prostitute's vagina. Why do you think I wasn't thinking of that?  Seriously, think of a prostitute who has five or six partners every day for sex. And how numb my eyes are closed.   There are no rules.  And you go, oh, that's harmless, right? Yeah. Okay. At the ages that you're at now, Donald Trump is not going away because there is no shoe that's going to drop. We are numb to the affronts to our sensibilities. He cannot say or do anything that will shock us, that will be illegal or unconstitutional. It's like he said during the election, I could run out in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and people would still vote for me and show up to my rallies. People need to stop with the wishful thinking. Right. Nothing is going to happen. Nothing is going to happen. This is football now, and I hate to use a sports analogy. No, I'm about to make one. But this is a ground game. This is inch by inch. You have to fight him. It's a ground game. Right. There are no Hail Mary passes coming. This is every- If you're right. If there was a shoe to drop, it would have happened during the election. They're not going to get them. They're not going to get them. They're not going to get them. On top of that, we've talked about this the last time I was on your show, but I have a background in it.  We're stretched beyond- That's what- But anyway- So when you listen to the news, I'm just going to keep interrupting you. So when you listen to the news, the point I'm making, because I'm doing insightful political commentary right here, when you listen to the news, remember that your ears, America, are like the mouth, vagina, and anus. It's a great hot take, and I like it. Your ears right now are like the mouth, vagina, and anus of a prostitute with a work ethic. Yeah. You have- Good old American hardworking prostitute. You have heard everything, and nothing makes you aroused. You don't feel it anymore. The other side of- The point I'm making is if the listeners, your ears, eyes, and mouth are like the- Ear. Go ahead. Last time I was on your show- Yes. We talked about how I wrote for the WWE. Yes. Wrote professional wrestling.  You have to sell the pain. You have to sell the- You have to- It has to register, and you have to sell that that is happening to you, even though the force of what is happening to you is not legitimate, correct? That is calling selling. It's the fundamental cog of professional wrestling. Wow. There is something in wrestling called the no-sell, which is if I throw a quote-unquote punch at you, and you just stand there and smile when it hits you, that's a no-sell, and it's like a big faux pas in wrestling. He no-sold it, right? So a lot of people have been interviewing me or asking me about like, Trump, WWE, he's been in the ring. Like, what does he take from professional wrestling?  And I would say it goes way beyond just what he does on the microphone. Slow down, slow down, slow down.  I just want to make sure my eyes stay- I know, I want to make sure that you can relax. This is really important to me.  Great. So the number one, what I say to them, it goes way deeper, what he took from the world of professional wrestling, not just being able to antagonize an audience and draw people into the room with what he's saying on the microphone, whether true or untrue or boastful, whatever, is the no-sell. He took that from wrestling and used it to get where he is. But it's a faux pas. Look at everything he's no-sold, everything that's been thrown his way. He's Teflon. But that's considered a faux pas in wrestling. Yeah. But, and he's using it, he's weaponized it. He's weaponized the no-sell. So- Are there any wrestlers? Gold star, parent, no-sold it. Taxes, no-sold it. Not mentioning the Holocaust on Holocaust Remembrance Day, no-sold it. Brush it off his shoulder. There are- McCain. McCain, no-sold it. Wow.  When did you work for the WWF? 2006. And you did storylines and you- Storylines, characters, the whole thing. But I've been a wrestling fan for over 30 years. And Donald Trump wrestled Vince McMahon? Yes, in a tag, in a, with other people involved and it was their hair versus their hair. Is it- Trump won and he shaved Vince McMahon's head. Is it fair to say that Donald Trump sometimes takes a break from pouring over his intelligence briefings to turn on the TV? I know it's hard to believe, but is it possible that the President of the United States would take a break from reading all the reports that are put on his desk that he would watch wrestling? He would cray on. Yeah. You think he watches wrestling? I think on Monday night he retires alone to the, to the quarters and he puts on Monday Night Raw because Vince is his best, one of his best friends and that's, and he's got three TVs, he's got Raw on one TV, he's got CNN on the other TV and he's got Fox News on the third TV. And he loses himself. And then he tweets. I don't know if any of that's true, but what I do know- Oh, no, no. Rachel Maddow the other night talked about the invasion of Yemen that went poorly. Yeah. And he was tweeting while that was going on instead of being in the situation. Yeah. She tracked the tweets versus the timeline of the Navy SEALs going in and attacking. He was like in the quarters tweeting. Tweeting about the show that he was going to be on, promoting a show about Fox News and then correcting it. Yeah. So he watches wrestling. I don't know if he's currently watching wrestling, but he has been around it. So, I mean, look, the relationship with Trump and Vince goes back to WrestleMania five and six when they, they took place in his properties. So he's been around the business enough and he's so close with Vince McMahon who's the architect of all of that world that I'm, that's where he picked it up. He's like, you, anything you say to me or anything that I say, I'm just being a calm, just being my character. So the media, the New York Times, the Washington Post, they've been banned from some of the press briefings. Lawyers, the elite. Don't know anything about wrestling. Exactly. And they don't understand that they're dealing with a wrestling heel. All he said, when judges are saying, no, you did that, you did that wrong. That's illegal. He's a wrestling heel saying, you're illegal. And I'm going to show you why you're, and I'm going to show you why you're legal April 25th in the Coliseum. I'll show you why you're fake news. That's all he's doing. He's cutting wrestling promos and he's no selling the baby faces comeback. And it's fixed. Well, apparently by Russia, who is Vince McMahon, we just figured it out. Anyway, I don't want to go a deep dive into wrestling, but I had to bring that up because that's how I, that's the prism through which I see everything, is that he's just standing up there, he's just not, none of it registers with him. Is there a wrestler you can cite who he's not really because his career after it, when you step in, there's the, you have to respect your opponent because they're putting their life in each other's hands because of the physicality. And so the no sell happens, but it doesn't happen at the rate that, you know, he, like I said, he's weaponized it. Nobody's ever really done that because it, because the no sell in wrestling undermines the whole thing, which it kind of does also in politics, but he right now, he's succeeding because of it. How frightened should we be pretty frightened? If you mix that with what you're saying with, there is no shoe to drop. There is no shoe big enough to make him sell the only time I've seen him. The only time I've seen him, it's really like, I can't even think of a time where something actually was thrown at him and it registered with him and he honestly reacted to it.  No, I know he was using it for politics, but that was the only time I was like, well, there's kind of empathy there. No, I don't think so. There's that interview with him on 9-11 saying, now I have the tallest building in New York. This is true. I don't know. Like I said, it's all just, I just have to, for me to be mentally healthy, I have to wake up every morning thinking there's a young Woodward and Bernstein out there that is feverishly going through meeting with sources in parking garages and finding his taxes. There's something that Trump and his surrounding, something his people understand that Americans I think don't understand about Woodward and Bernstein. It was the deep state that brought Nixon down. Mark Felt, I don't know if I mentioned this on the show or not. I know we had a, we were running long and I cut, I may have cut this element, but I wanted the audience to know this. What brought down Nixon was what's going on right now. Rogue elements of the FBI and the CIA leaking things to the New York Times and the Washington Post. Right. Deep throat was a guy named Mark Felt. Yes. He was second in command at the FBI. I think he had Clyde Tolson's job. Clyde Tolson was J. Edgar Hoover's lover. They shared a life together and they had a really twisted, romantic relationship. Clyde Tolson was number two. By that I mean he was a bottom. Yeah. Relate the number two. And when J. Edgar Hoover died, Mark Felt became second in command and did not like Nixon and had an axe to grind and began leaking stuff to Woodward. Right. This is all the backstory. This is fascinating. And was confirming a lot of information. The FBI is a spy agency. They tap phones. Yeah. They leak. They wiretap. They wiretapped Martin Luther King. J. Edgar Hoover had tapes of Martin Luther King having sex. He didn't need to prosecute Martin Luther King. He just sent those tapes to Blackmail. To, yes he was a Blackmail. Back then they weren't called African American. Yes. Those tapes and photographs of Martin Luther King having sex were sent to Coretta, his wife. There's no need for a trial. Right. They literally told, the FBI literally told Martin Luther King to kill himself. Could you survive that? I couldn't. That's the deep dark state. Mark Felt, who we consider to be a hero in America because he leaked to Bob Woodward. Mark Felt had to be pardoned by Ronald Reagan because Mark Felt, when he was at the FBI, got caught breaking into anti-war protesters' homes and doing illegal wiretapping. They were paid protesters. Yeah, of course, paid protesters. Mark Felt, deep throat, was convicted of violating the constitutional rights of anti-war protesters. So it's a fastian bargain when you say, okay, we're going to have the FBI take out Trump. It's a fact because they're not on the side of the American people. These are spy agencies with access to crime that we don't understand. Yeah. So the reason I'm optimistic is this. Trump is ruining lives, that's why I'm optimistic. Now, he is ruining the lives of people.  If you even look Arab, look at that story that's in the news now with the Indian kid that got beat up because they thought he was a Muslim. This is how I'm optimistic, as long as I'm not affected by Trump's policies. Yeah, as white guys. But I'm a Jew. True. True. Oh, I got something to tell you. So the only optimism I have right now at this moment, and I don't mean to scare the listeners, but I had an anxiety attack last night. I tried to do a digital detox and I just got anxious. So I had to go back and start. See what you missed. And I had a genuine anxiety attack because I felt weak and vulnerable about what's going on with Trump. So where does the optimism come in? And I had to work this out. Germany and Japan are pretty good right now. And the reason they're pretty good right now is they were completely leveled. They were horrible countries. America leveled them. And they had to start over. They started over and they learned from their past and they don't seem to be repeating a lot of those mistakes. My hope is Donald Trump is a wrecking ball. What he's doing right now, going after every institute, I mean the guy. Well, that's Bannon said it at CPAC. He said he wants to take all the agencies he wants to just deconstruct. There is some value to somebody coming in. Maybe I have a feeling a lot of lives are going to be destroyed. And this is what making me very anxious. But 20 years from now, the best case scenario is it's post-Trump. The same way we look at World War II, what came after Trump. And what he is doing, the balls on this guy to attack the FBI, to attack the CIA, to make statements that the war in Iraq was a mistake and that the CIA cherry-picked intelligence, that is as bold a statement as you and I can make for a president to say that. We'll learn some lessons as a country. If he can do this in a way where Mexicans, and it's not happening, they have ice now on the subways rounding up people, it's bad. It's really bad. And it makes me really angry at Jews because 80% of us in America know it's bad. But there's this element, this 20% that says, well, it's okay because Jared Kushner is Jewish. That's where I really get so angry. And that's the thing that popped into my head. I've been doing this thing on Twitter whenever I see any story about the Trump White House not recognizing the Jewish part of the Holocaust or the vandalism, not recognizing the vandalism that's going on and being part of the alt-right. Any of these stories, I will quote, tweet it, and then with the tweet, I will write, cool tribute to your grandparents at Jared Kushner. I've done it about 10, 11 times already. And I will continue to do it. Well, instruct my listeners to do it. The Jewish listeners tell the story. So anytime you see any story about the alt-right and their connection and their being allowed in the political process because of the Trump White House or Trump or the Trump, his surrogates not recognizing the anti-Semitism that has grown because of his being elected to the presidency. Any of these articles that get posted, quote, tweet it, and just write, cool tribute to your grandparents at Jared Kushner and at him. And we follow each other on Twitter. You and I. Yes, at Anggold, A-N-G-E-G-O-O-D. And say that again clearly. A, at Anggold, A-N-G-E-G-O-L-D. I am trying to learn Twitter. I'm better on Facebook and I get more responses on Facebook than I do with you. Yeah. But here's one of the things I want to say to the listeners. Some of you have been tweeting at Bill Crystal and you include me in the tweet. So I retreat it, I retreat. I retweet it, not retreat. So, for example, I ask people to follow Sleeping Giants on Twitter, which exposes people who advertise on Breitbart News. Oh, I didn't know that. And they are shamed into pulling their ads from Breitbart News. It's called Sleeping Giants. Oh, I got to do that. So, if you see a tweet on Sleeping Giants that's shaming an advertiser on Breitbart, include my name in that and I will retweet it. So I know a lot of you have been going after Bill Crystal. I don't want to talk about Bill Crystal, but when you... Loved him in City Slickers? Uh-huh. When you, if you include my name as some of you have been doing, I will retweet it. And what are you saying now? I say... I just take anything that has to do with, like I said, the alt-right or anti-Semitism as it relates to Trump. And I quote tweet it, which is a function. If you press the retweet button, it will say quote tweet. That means that story will appear in your tweet and there will be a line above it with your message in relation to that. And I write cool tribute to your grandparents and then I at Jared Kushner. So I hope, if I do this enough, at some point he's at late at night scrolling through his ad messages and sees this and it just gives him a little rumble in whatever soul he has left that he, and he feels, maybe he feels bad. I would hope that he would feel bad because his grandparents were Holocaust survivors. He went to Yeshiva. He's a religious Jew. He raises his kids Jewish and I just... He obeys the Sabbath. He obeys the Sabbath. I just don't understand where the disconnect is, where he's able to be a open party to everything that's happening in his family. Not just his government in his country, but in his family. Well, he, just because you're the child of a Holocaust survivor doesn't mean you have instant nobility. Sure. Doesn't mean you have instant grace. You don't have grace. And many, I grew up around Holocaust survivors. They didn't start out as Holocaust survivors, but when my parents moved in it was pretty bad. It became a Holocaust. No, I grew up around Holocaust survivors and they are victims. The children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors have deep psychological problems that are traced back to the Holocaust. I kind of feel bad that I've made jokes about the Holocaust on this show. I have a Gallows humor about the Holocaust. I have on this podcast. Yeah. And it's how... Like Milo, Gallows humor. Yeah. Kidding. So, and this is, and Jared Kushner comes from Dreck. Yeah. He's Dreck. His father did time. Super criminal. His father did time because he wrote checks. He pretty much wrote checks in his son's name to jersey politicians like McGreevy. The genius Jared Kushner was off at Harvard. Being a genius, right? He's a... Meanwhile, his trust fund was being diluted by his father because his father decided to make illegal contributions to democratic politicians. And then his brother-in-law, Jared's father's brother-in-law decided to turn state's evidence.  It's very... Yeah. And he ended up doing time.  But I would think at some human basic level.  That he would marry into the Trump family? But then how... I don't know. But I just... If he's a Shabbos observant and went to his chief... Like I just know what value system he comes from. First of all, the Sabbath is sacred, but it's a gift to yourself, not to the universe. It's you turning... It's less about that. It's just that I know the value system, regardless of his family, but the value system that he was... His formidable years where I just...  He's a scumbag. That much of a scumbag.  To let his... To be in meetings where somebody is suggesting to Trump and his surrogates not to mention Jews in this message about Holocaust Remembrance Day. And he doesn't raise his hand.  Thank you, Maxine, for calling these people scumbags. They are... She was on television. They called them scumbags. He is arrogant to think that he can control Bannon. He's arrogant to think he can control it. The Jews who have said to me, it's going to be okay for the Jews, because Jared did that. I know, but I don't even think it's 20%. I think 20% of American Jews voted for Trump because of Israel. I doubt it's 20% who think this anti-Semitism is limited and that the anti-Muslim stuff is cool. I know that the Orthodox Jews who tend to vote for Trump are really pissed off about the Muslim ban. For what I have said to the few Jews I talk to who support Trump and say to me, it'll be okay for the Jews because of Jared Kushner, I say, who cares? If it... Yeah, exactly, just because it might be okay for your little sliver of your life, it's not okay for a million other people. And Jewish values should direct you towards empathy for everybody. That's the conflict for me. This guy grew up with all of that and still purports to observe all of that. Well, the reason I take pride, no, the reason I'm not a self-hating Jew is I look at the numbers as a Jew. We love numbers. We love numbers. And I say 80% of a religion that voted for Barack Obama, that's pretty good. I'll belong to any religion where 80% voted for Barack Obama. Can I make a transition now that you brought up Obama to an amazing episode of my podcast that we just had that I think you will be very interested in? Yes, I want to talk about your podcast in a second. I just want to stay on one topic for one second.  Yeah. A hooker with a workout. A grizzled veteran. A journeyman. We're going to sell, we're going to sell Eustacean tube rejuvenation on the show. You know how they have vaginal rejuvenation? That would be a good sponsor for you. Eustacean tube, is the Eustacean tube the ear hole? Larry Eustacean? Isn't the ear hole Eustacean? Quite possibly could be.  It's a public service you're providing. It is. I have divided Americans into three categories right now. What do you think they are? Obese? No, you let me know. Okay, I think there are three types of Americans right now and we all fall into one of these categories.   And I will accept you if you exhibit one of those categories. So if you're crazy, you can be my friend. If you're immoral, you can be my friend. If you're stupid, you can be my friend. But if you're two of those categories, you need to self-harm. Right. I would add the fourth one as morbidly obese. I think one of the reasons we have an obesity problem is- Because of a few of those. Because of stupidity, the craziness, and immorality.  Well, that's different than saying all Americans are one of them. No, no, all Americans are. You really think so. Okay, I think- What about- I'm crazy. I'm crazy.  Yeah, completely. What about like super woke people like John Stewart? Immoral. He's an immoral guy. Yes. With his animal charity farm upstate. The way he fought the Riders Guild was immoral. Okay. Crazy. Bernie Sanders. Hang on for one second.    Okay. But Bernie Sanders. I would say crazy. For thinking you had a chance to win. Yes. Yeah, interesting. This is not a plug of my pocket. Okay, one more. Give me another example. Let me think. Who else is super? Elizabeth Warren.  She seems to not be immoral. Busted. You found the chink. What is she? You found, I- But we never know because there could be some dark side to her that we don't know about. I'm busted. She's probably a freak in the sheets, woman on the street. Probably. I hear Avanka. And yet she persisted. Avanka. In the bedroom. Avanka is a freak in the sheets. Oh, of course. When she goes to those rallies that the KKK holds, she's a freak in the sheets. It's because I'm making a KKK joke. Right. She should add two more Ks to her first name. That's funny. Yeah. Instead of taking Kushner's last name, she's just adding two more Ks to her first name. Did your wife take your name? She's in the process of trying it. Goldstein. Stein, yeah. I asked my wife to take my name so I could no longer have it. Feldman. I don't want it anymore. My father told me to take her name. He said, your life will be a lot easier if you get rid of the Feldman. And I said, I don't want to live in a country where I have to change my name. She has, yeah, I get emails from Jamie Goldstein and I'm like, who is that? And then I have to remember that. Is your wife Jewish? Yes. Do you get tired of having a last name, Goldstein? I walk into your room. No, it's super Jewish. I walk, I am tired that you have a name, Goldstein. You're tired of me having that name. Wouldn't your life be easier if your Judaism didn't precede you? Maybe, but I like that people know right away that I'm going to come in and be... Chew up the place. Chew it up. You do. I lean in. I lean into all of that. I do. You get some perks because of it. What are the perks? I lean in. People will put up with a lot more neuroses from you if you have the name Goldstein than if your name was Johnson. Doesn't that foster the stereotype that we're insane? But I don't think it's that terrible of a stereotype. To be neurotic? Well, I will pass off some things that might not be a habit that I just happened to have done and people are like, that's weird. And I'm like, I'm a neurotic Jew. And you kind of get away.  But that's lazy. That's wrong. It's immoral. Well, I'm not saying I'm not. That is, that's immoral.  That's all I'm all three.  So during the course of this podcast, you've learned to hate me. Well, no, I believe me before the podcast started. I knew that to encourage that stereotype that all Jews are neurotic. I don't think it's a deeply harmful stereotype. I think stereotypes. I'm not picking up pennies. And, you know, like that, those kind, like to me, those are, but I lean into the neurotic thing to sort of get out of explaining why I do some weird things. Are all stereotypes dangerous? I think they probably are. I think it's lazy to... Our whole medium is built on stereotypes. Because without stereotypes, there is no comedy. Because we're... So how can you not lean into stereotypes and, and appreciate them? But ethnic stereotypes are dangerous. I'll give you an example. Hypersensitivity to ethnic stereotypes is far more dangerous than ethnic stereotypes. Okay, I, because we're living in... A material world. Yes. Because we're living in dangerous times, we should all be a little paranoid. And last week, I was at the Writers Guild Awards. We were going to have Bonnie Depp here, but she canceled. I have an anecdote. So I was sitting at the Writers Guild Awards, which is very political. And just reading the names of who is nominated, counting the Jewish names. It read like a who's who of synagogue men's clubs. It's not a Jews who. Yeah. It's not a Jews who. And this is why I think the stereotype of the Jewish comedy writer is dangerous.  And I have fostered that on triumph. When we were nominated for an Emmy, we went to the Emmys and we had this bit where triumph was getting out of the limousine with his 20 writers. And they were all bald Jews. And we made up Jewish names. Great. And we laughed hysterically. It was really funny. We ended up pulling it from the show.  And it was, I mean, we laughed so hard and we made up all these names. I love it.  Visitor Schwartz. But right.  Anyway, that's neither here nor there. So I'm at the Writers Guild Awards. And the subtext of this is. You were nominated for a Writers Guild Award. Yes. And you won. Yes. This is the anecdote I have. So I have to get this out. I know that there, I know that there needs to be diversity in Hollywood. Yeah. But I also know that one of the cliches is it's run by Jews. And what that does is it makes it harder for people who are Jewish to find work in Hollywood. And when people say that to me, when I say that to people, they go, what are you talking about? It's run by Jews. And I've heard Jews say that. And I say, you want to crunch the numbers? Right. The I'm all for diversity. And I think there's a problem with a serious problem with diversity in Hollywood. But all stereotypes are dangerous. And I went through all the names. There are a lot of, most of the names are not Jewish. Is Weisberg a Jewish name? No. Is Wiener a Jewish name? No. It's an embarrassing one. But it's. Is Mechelburg a Jewish name? Mechelburg. No. Can I tell you something? But seriously, I mean, if you look. It's an interesting point. If you look at original screenplay, Heller Highwater written by Taylor Sheridan. La La Land written by Damien Chazelle. Loving written by Jeff Nichols. Manchester by the Sea written by Kenneth Lonergan. Moonlight Barry Jenkins. These are not a rival. But these aren't comedies. Well, hang on. Deadpool written by Rhett Reese and. He could be Jewish. Shlumi Shlomach. He could be Jewish. See the only movie with any. Nocturnal Animals written by Tom Ford. Hidden Figures. Alice and Schroeder. The only. Fences written by August Wilson. Was August Wilson. I always forget. Was he Jewish? The only movie there with any personality was written by the Jewish people. Well, it's dangerous to spread this. Okay. Comedy. Let's look at comedy. Can I just tell you? Really? Hang on for one second. Matt Goldich. Hang on. My podcast partner. Daily Show with Trevor Noah. Dana Mira. David Angelo. Steve Bodo. Devin Delacuante. That's my buddy. We used to share an office. Who? Devin Delacuante. Is he Jewish? No, he is not. Zach DeLonzo. Trayvon Free. Hallie Haglund. David Kabuka. Matt Koff. Adam Lowe. And I think Adam is Jewish. Well, it's Jewish. Alex Maria. He plays the Jew on The Daily Show. Dan McCoy. Lauren Sarver Means. Trevor Noah. Joe Arpaio. Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Yeah. writes for The Daily Show. He does. They hired him. Daniel Radish. Sounds like a Jewish name. Michelle Wolfe sounds like a Jewish name. Delaney Yeager. I mean, the idea that Jewish comedy writers, it's... We're very oppressed now. Even in our own thing. Well, that's why they're dangerous. All those things are dangerous because it affects your ability to earn a living. I haven't experienced that yet. Well, you will after this show. I'm sure I will. Wait, I need to tell you. At the WGA Awards, I was not there, but Mac Olich was. He's my podcast partner, writer for Seth Meyers. And he came back and told me that when the Triumph Special won the award, Robert Smigel in his accepted speech threw you a very, very generous compliment that happened to be super hilarious and backhanded. Robert Smigel apparently said, you know, he shouted you out. He said, David Feldman, he's the best comedian nobody likes. Yes. And it's true. Goldich, he thought that was such a fantastic joke and we talked about it on our podcast. Sorry, I've been so busy. But I thought it was a very fun joke for somebody you spend a lot of time with. Yeah, he said, you know, Andy Breckman, the creator of Monk, Michael Komen, creator of Nathan For You, and Josh Comers, a brilliant commenter, and David Feldman, the greatest comic nobody likes. And I heard greatest comic. I thought, oh, this is going to be good. Right, and you didn't even hear the other part. It's fantastic. But speaking of our podcast, I really do. This is really why one of the reasons I came and this is not a me coming on to plug our podcast, but we this week. Is it done out of the show Briss Studios? Yes. So it's part of the show. It's part of the family. I think we've worked with you here. We've we've we've plugged your show on this part. And this is an episode I would like you to plug because I think it's special. We had a girl named a very talented woman, I should say, who I used to work with at MTV. Her name is Sierra Lindsay Koss. She was she was on our show. She left entertainment. What is the name of your show? Sorry, I've been so busy. No, I want to know the name of your show. Sorry, I've been so busy podcast. Oh, okay. So the real quick story, eight years ago, we were sharing an office at MTV. And I say, Sierra, what do you want to do? Where do you want to go from here? And she said, I'd like to do what I'm doing, like docu producing TV, producing content, but in politics. And I said, OK, good luck with that. I'm going to go work for wrestling. Next thing I know, I look on Facebook and she is producing and directing for the Obama Obama 2012 campaign. And then she moves on from that to Hillary's 2016 campaign, becomes director of video for Hillary 2016. So for eight years, she was knocking on doors then in a video and directing capacity for Obama and then in leadership video capacity for the Hillary Clinton campaign. And so everything that has happened since she came on the podcast and man, did she tell some amazing stories about flying on Air Force One, being in the motorcade, having a day like a daily personal relationship with President Obama, working with him on a daily basis, being in his company, and then the same with Hillary Clinton. I heard he hits. He hits, right? Yeah. Completely. Very abusive. Wonderful, wonderful perspective. And one of the great, this is a spoiler alert, but one of the really eye-opening things that she says at the end of the podcast, she said the things she feels most regret about the whole thing, everything that has happened, is that America quite possibly missed out on an excellent, possibly all-time greatest president. But getting... Bernie Sanders? Yes. But getting there... She's talking about Hillary. It was just a wonderful hour of discussion of here. Yes, she was talking about Hillary. And she had these stories and the anecdotes and the personal experience with her to back that up. It's not just some pundit on TV saying that as a talking point. And it was just wonderful, wonderful perspective in these times to hear about these people that have been in office and have shaped policy. And she was right there along for the ride for all of it. It was really... Obviously, we interview comedians and writers and producers and really entertainment people, but we had her on. And it was really excellent. And I'm very proud of it, and I'm proud of her. And I would love people to listen to it. It sounds like a plug, but it's... But it's only because you're the king of plugs.  I only say it because I was just sitting here. I mean, Alex can attest, we were just like, I wish this could go two more hours because I have a million more questions. And she was... You know, obviously election night was not something we really got into because she's still sort of despondent about it. And but hearing about what she did after the election to sort of get away and detox. Like you were talking about. It's all... It was just... The only word... It was just fascinating.  And imagine eight years with no days off. In it. She was in it. And I was super... I just admire her so much because I look at it like if I took anything really seriously, like if I could do it all over again and really took things seriously and didn't watch as much TV, I would love to have been a speechwriter. I really feel like I could have been... I could excel at that. And so like watch... Look, I have training program. I would love it. I worked with a writer named Eli Bauman. Do you know Eli? He's a musician writer. And he was off... He was a young kid and he was off at the DNC this past summer. Really? Being trained to write speeches. It's a skill.  No, of course. But anyway, it's just one of those things. I just wanted to get the word out about it. What is she doing now? She is consulting for a number of people that are involved in policy. She's going to be rich. We don't know. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of... I'll tell you what. She could write a book and it'd be phenomenal. Yeah. You know, I've been crunching numbers I had Mike Murphy on the show. I love Mike. I got to tell you, he is one of those... If I hear he's going to be on one of the shows, I perk up. Yeah, he's brilliant. Republican strategist, but part of the left-right alliance. Yeah. You should let... It's last... He reminds me of a West Friday show. Of a character on the West Wing. He reminds... Yeah. His heart's in the right place. His politics are in the wrong place. He should come to our side. He ran right to rise. It was the Jeb Bush. Super PAC. They had $100 million. By the end of Bush's campaign, they had $14 million left. All that money gets spent. And when you crunch the numbers, if you want to make money, go into politics. Right. That's where the money is. It really is. Well... That's... That is what's wrong with Washington... Of course. Of course. Citizens United. There's a lot of money. Yeah. And people need money. Well, there's also a lot of money in outrage. There's also a lot of money in being offended now. There's also a lot of money in being contrarian. And we're seeing that all over cable news. There's all kinds of money now, not being an important person, being a commenter on important people. Keep the argument going. Yeah. Keep the argument going so that journalists don't have to do real reporting. Yeah. And look, I spend hours watching MSNBC. Why? It is... Here's what happened with me. I don't... I take pride in not watching CNN or MSNBC. I listened to Rachel Maddow as a podcast. I will occasionally listen to Anderson Cooper as a podcast. Coop? The Coop. I'll do it audio. Interesting. To plop down and sit in front of a TV and watch that is a waste of time. Well, I like the Chris Matthews. I like Chris Matthews, but to sit and watch that... If I'm doing something, if I'm doing the dishes... I like the spittle in the sides of his mouth. So we don't get that on the podcast. If I'm going for a walk or going for a drive, a podcast version of these shows is fine. I'll even enjoy Morning Joe as long as I don't have to watch. He's an interesting character. He's an interesting character. But to sit and watch that stuff is just a complete waste of time. I have... You like the Mika Brzezinski? I have a tape of her... I do on my website of her talking about how you should beat your children. Oh, goodness. Because it's a big new Brzezinski, the National Security Advisor under Jimmy Carter. He and his wife used to beat the kids. And I have a tape of her talking about this on Morning Joe. She's the victim of child abuse. And she, on that show, is a willing victim of abuse. If you see the way Joe treats her, he really manipulates her. He has an audience with Donald Trump. He's a very interesting character. It's a perverse show. There's a perversity to it. The dynamic between Joe and Mika is really salacious. He's much smarter than she is. She is an abuse victim. And if you go to my website, I have the tape of her talking about how she was beaten as a kid. And sometimes it's important to give your kid a good smack. And they're all laughing. And then when you watch how she falls in and out of favor around that panel, how she's lifted up and then taken down by Joe, who is a Republican. Yeah, I remember when I was a kid, he was a politician. He's pretty smart and emotionally manipulative. And supposedly, they're an item. So watching it, I have to confess that there is something interesting. Is she a conservative? No, I think she's an abuse victim. I know she's an abuse. But her parents abused her. They're not like, if they're an item, they're not like James Carville and Marley Matlin, right? From what I've read and from what I've heard, they're in a relationship now. Interesting. I don't know if it's, you know, who's on deck. In the minor leagues that we can be excited about. In terms of democratic politicians. And it doesn't have to be a politician. It could be somebody who, like the Mark Cuban rumors. Like who, well, who's the guy, like if you had to put all your chips on somebody. Right now, I don't even know if we have any chips left. Yeah. I read this interview. Well, today's the DNC chairman vote. I read this interview with this professor, Snyder from Yale, talking about our republic. He says might have nine months left. Full, not the, just the party, but the whole. Where we just acknowledge pretty much what's already happened. This is what he says. That this country is not a republic. It's not a democracy. Obama put a nice face to a bureaucracy that was run by the military industrial complex and corporations. I would be happy that he was putting a happy face to some really dark. I would love for you to have Jesse Ventura on your podcast. I don't know. Navy seal. Navy seal. Patriot. Governor of Minnesota. He does work for RT, I will say that. Russian television. Yeah. Well, should we take a break? Have we done a half hour yet? This, this one, we have, is Buckles here? This is the podcast, the David Feldman show. And my podcast, sorry I've been so busy. And check out the Sierra Lindsay Kos episode. I can't promote it. I can't explain enough how wonderful it was. Can you stick around? All right. Let me check my check the text messages from the wife and we'll see. Before you were married, we were out every night.  It was amazing. Multiple fallacies could fit in any, we'll be back hopefully with Buckles and Andrew Goldstein after this. Are we rolling? Alex, how are you rolling? Are we rolling? Are we rolling? Is this live? Are we rolling? We're not rolling yet. That's our question. So. I've noticed that I've been here like four times now and two times I've been sick. So it's a sign. Who are you? Jesus Christ. Hello Jesus. Hi. Andrew Goldstein, you have any apologies for Jesus? No. None. No apologies. Kristen Buckles is here. We love Kristen Buckles. She's so funny. She's a comedian and a writer and a producer. True. And what is Jax? Jax is a production company that produces everything that's awesome right now. She's not even kidding. I'm not even exaggerating. Like what? Inside Amy Schumer, Broad City, Younger, Search Party. Yeah, to name a few. Wow. Good for you. So you're working for them? Yeah. I start March 13th. Can I pitch an idea for a show? Please don't. It's two bald Jews living together, trying to make it in New York, sharing one toupee. Sharing one toupee. Yeah, they can only afford one toupee and they, it's like the odd couple, but I was going to say is this one of them gets to be bald and one of them gets to have a full head of hair. It's called two-pay-and-a-half men. There you go. There you go. Is Charlie Sheen in it? Is he making overpriced? I'm serious. Why don't they make a great sitcom? Two guys, they're both bald. They're trying to make it in show business. Two-pay broke girls. And they can only afford one toupee. Yeah, that's funny. I have a date tonight. No, I've got it. You don't have a date tonight. I have an audition. I need the two-pay for my audition for the death of a salesman. They're bringing it. So it's all the complications. And hilarity ensues. Well, yeah. Okay, here's the deal. Okay. You take it a sardis. Thank you so much, Mr. Feldman, for your idea. You can have the two-pay. You were the two-pay at dinner. Let me walk you out. I'll walk you out.  I come and get the two-pay and I go and do the audition for... It's good to know that Feldman's ideas will die with him. A lot of marketing possibilities with that show. Sure. Little kids running around with two-pay, NBC logo two-pays on. Or is the logo like underneath the two-pay, like on the inside? You hang the tag like a... Oh, like a visor or something.  You've been a producer with Colin Quinn. Did you see Colin's special? Yeah, wonderful. Yeah, why even do stand-up after watching that? That's how I feel. That was a hostile gesture to me. He did that. The nerve of him. Purely to make you feel less about yourself.  Jax? Jack? Jax. Jack. Jax.  So I'm the only creative one here. Wow. I'm the only gentle flower. And we're out. Kristen Buckles, what are you... great at and why? In your deepest, most private moment when you look at your career, what do you take pride in? What do I take pride in? What do you know that you do really well? I'm very good at talking to people. And why are you good at it? I'm good at talking to people.  Why? I don't know because I make people feel comfortable, except this situation right now. Where did you learn that? I would say dealing with rich people growing up. People pleaser. I'm a people pleaser. You had to deal with rich people. I grew up riding horses. I was not wealthy. I dealt with a lot of extremely wealthy people. And I learned how to manipulate them and doing what I wanted them to do as a kid. For example? I don't know convincing them to give me horses and stuff to ride. Let the poor kid ride the horse. Yeah, that's right. How'd you do that? Did you play the sympathy card? No. Look at me. I'm adorable. Yes, you are. Yeah. No, I'm joking. Did you zero in? I was joking too. Did you zero in? Also kidding. Fake news. Fake news. Alt fact. Did you zero in on wealthy people? Do you have like, are you like the Terminator where you can go, you can the wealth pops up on your eyelid?  I think I'm good at talking to people and actually finding out who they are and genuinely finding an interest and they therefore want to help me.  Well, I'm here, aren't I? Andrew Goldstein, what are you most proud of that when you say, this is what I can do. This is a skill I have that can't be taken away from me. And why are you good at that? Well, I have two separate questions. Most proud of, I always say that I survived, let's say, what is it, 16, 17 years in New York, no assistance, made it on my own. That is impressive. Neve always had an apartment in Manhattan, figured that out, roommates, whatever. So that would be prideful. That's probably my most prideful thing. And then what was the other question? The thing I'm really good at? Well, that's what you're really good at.  Yeah, I work. I'm a worker, I always, yeah, I work. What's the longest period of time you've been out of work? Well, after the NBC Page program, I was unemployed for a really long time until I figured it out. But then once that happened, it's never more than a few weeks unless I want it to be. And how do you find work? Uh, being adorable. How do you? We just high-five. I'm very curious. No, I just have, you know, I'm very lucky. I've developed. You're not lucky. How do you find? I've developed a network of people who that I have good standing with. And there are all super talented people who are doing really, really fun stuff. And I've been in really great situations where I've continually been hired by the same group of people. And is there something nagging in the back of your head when you're working that you should be doing something else? Yeah, there's a movie inside me and there's scripted things inside me. And I have definitely fallen in this whole of alternative television and being really good at making that. But I see people that are writing sitcoms and writing movies and selling movies. And I'm like, if I could just have like three months off, right. But I'm not really interested in what you're saying. I'm just trying to ignore Kristen Buckles. Yeah, that's it. That's the thing. I feel like those are his specialty. I didn't even hear what he was saying. That's not interesting. I'm trying to keep him here as long as possible because he's got a dog. I do have to leave. Waiting for him in the apartment. I do need to leave. And I want to see how long I can keep him on the show. I'm just waiting until you stop talking so I can get iced coffee. So he can go home and the dog will have crapped in the apartment. That's my goal. I will have been successful if you come home. And to a hot steaming duty. I'll say this, he has duties in the same spot all of the time. If he goes in the apartment and luckily it's not on the rug. It's always on the floor, which works out. That's good. I don't know how dogs do that, but they like the same spot. Me too. Sure. Yeah. A prostitute's mouth. Wow. I was going to say bed. Chest. I was going to say bed. A prostitute's chest. I was going to say bed. Your colostomy bed. I was going to say bed. I was going to be polite and say I always take a dump in the same spot, my bed. You went right for a prostitute's mouth. That's pretty amazing, Kristen. I laughed. Yes. So there's a little tension between us. There is. Yeah. I understand that I failed you. Tremendously. I was supposed to do something and I let you down because I'm self-serving and I don't care about the community. Sure. Yeah, that's up. To be fair, I think that the joke is ultimately on you because I will say, I think I should probably preface by saying that I was applying, I'll tell you, Andrew, I was applying to do the late night writer's workshop. So Lacey and I wrote, we pulled Lacey Jekka, who's been on the show before, we put a packet together and we're like, and you know, Colin helps us with everything. Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn. We love Colin so much. And so we're like, that'd be fun. Well, a Feldman write us a recommendation letter. So we texted Alex and he's like, yeah, absolutely no problem. Gotta go through Alex. So anyway, so I think it was like, I text, I'm like, I want to say like a Thursday or something. And I'll say, Alex, we need this recommendation letter by no later than midnight on Sunday. No problem. By like Saturday at 4 p.m. I'm like, you know what? I've got a really strong feeling that Feldman's going to flake on this. So I called Colin and I was like, Colin, can you write us? I love you so much, Colin. I know that we ask you for so much. Can you? And he was like, of course, I love you girls. I would do anything. Of course, I'll write this for you. Colin writes this glowing recommendation letter and then I get a text from Feldman at like Sunday, like the next day that it was past due being like, so sorry, I ran out of time and I was like, you know what? I'm going to make him write this. I'm going to drag this out. You still have to write it. Absolutely. And I was like, yeah, no worries. No problem. But you already had Colin. I already had it. And how many recommendations did you need? One. So I led you on to make you feel guilty for weeks. I knew you were going to flake. Had I written the letter, would it have been included? No, I had to turn it in on Saturday. I would have kept it in my pile of things I made Feldman. But she only turned to Colin because it got to the zero hour and she needed. So you would have been included. And to say, ultimately, Colin is much more familiar with my writing than Feldman is, to be fair. Before I get to the meat of it, let me first say, I feel immensely guilty. I do. I felt really bad. I would have given anything to write a letter of recommendation. Had I felt you were worthy. No, I felt really bad. And I know there's an excuse. I can't remember which lie to tell you, but there's something. There was something. Well, her rate she was offering you wasn't high enough. This is for the late night. What is this? Oh, it's the late night writers. They do late night writers workshop. What is that? It's like they NBC does it. It's in March. They do it every year.  You're supposed to be like diverse. So you have to be like, you know, the LGBTQ community or you have to be a woman or that's why I didn't write it. Yeah, there you go. That adds up. So they give these opportunities.  No, but and then they select like a couple of people and you do the workshop and you kind of get in front of these like NBC people and get your writing scene and stuff like that. Well, you know, Andrew would qualify.  I grew up with a single mom. Did you know that? Yeah, we only had one mom. Wow. That's crazy. Our parents weren't lesbians. Yeah. And I think that should qualify me for something. Sure. Yeah, we're oppressed. That's our new joke. I think we have a good new joke. We came up with that. You did. Before you were here. Okay. Pre-buckles. Pre-buckles. The two are oppressed. Well, I have a single. I'm from a single. Anybody with a single mother. Just like the end of an era, like the white man is on its way out. Oh, no. I don't know if you saw the election returns, baby. Yeah, we're back. We're back. In a big way. I have to admit. Bigly. We're back bigly. I have to admit, on a raw level, there is... Well, I'm not going to say it. Say it. So it's... And how long would the program have lasted? I think it's just a week or two weeks or something. I honestly don't know. And what do you learn? I don't know. That's why I would love to find out. How to take your job. Is how to write late night. Yeah. I mean, I do a lot of my own, just like working on monologue and desk jokes and bits and all that stuff. But I mean, yeah. But I, you know, when it's obviously ultimately to get hired. So you would hang out at the Tonight Show? I guess. I don't know. I mean, I think it's ultimately like, I just would like to... I mean, like getting into that, like, you know, whatever writing for like Jimmy Fallon or Seth Meyers or SNL or any of those like late night shows. It's like the ultimate goal for a lot of people. But I don't know. And did you get in? I don't know. I haven't found out yet. I feel really bad. I feel bad. No, you don't. I do. I really do. I feel horrible. You should. I don't know if my writing a letter means anything. Yeah. That's fair. That's, that's probably why I didn't write it. No. Oh my God. I don't know that they, I mean, I don't know. Like they, I don't even, the recommendation letter is like optional. I honestly don't, I mean, I don't know how that stuff works because I feel like it takes, I feel, you know, like, I feel like Lacey and I put a really solid packet together, but who knows? You never know. All right. Here's the truth. What? This is why I didn't write the letter. Jesus Christ. Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready. And Goldstein, I want you to back, back me up on this. Please don't. I was kind enough to put you on this show.  Hang on. It is, it is so typical of the people in my life and the people in this business. I give you the greatest gift possible. An appearance on the David Feldman program program. Is that what it's called? That's what I call it. Where you, you can reach tens of people. Tens of people. Tens of people. I will say when the first time I got offered to come on the show, I was worried. I was like, is this a joke? Am I being brought on as a joke? I, and I gave you an opportunity to, to spread your wings and fly. And it wasn't good enough. Then I, then I get, can you recommend me for later? I'm thinking what I, it's, it's never enough for your generation.  It's never enough. It's never enough. It's never enough. It's never enough. It's never enough for you. That was my immediate, that was my immediate. That was your immediate thought. My immediate thought is, what are you going to do for me? You know, my immediate thought was. Yeah. How that you can be a prestigious writer of some shows and your shirt is literally falling apart. I find that puzzling. This is a nice shirt. That is not a nice shirt. It's not. Look at the top. There's a thread situation. It's threadbare. Look. Jesus. Alex hasn't ironed his shirt yet today. And so. Alex, Alex has bigger fish to fry. I've had, I think I had one of the most infuriating phone calls of my life with Alex. What? The fourth. What? So obnoxious. So I feel like, you know, just like coming up in this industry, you do, you know, you're, which this is just kind of like a strange industry to be in in the first place. Excuse me for one second. Sorry. What is the name of your dog? Dusty. Dusty. I want to keep him here. He's squatting right now. Go ahead. Poor Dusty. On my hardwood floors. Dusty. I hope he has the runs. That's the meanest thing in the world. You're doing a filament impersonation. Save your, save your piece. Okay. So you had an infuriating. Yes. Okay. So, I mean, so basically I think that anybody, you sort of like get advice from in this industry. No one really just, we've had this conversation before. No one really knows what's going on. Right. There are no rules. Right. No one understands. It's thunderdome. It's, it's thunderdome. It's chaos. We're all faking it. It's thunderdome as opposed to the thunderdome. Resumes are pointless. As opposed to the thunderdome that Dusty's taking right now. Absolutely. Right now. My little boy. Poor Dusty.  They just want to know that you're going to show up.   And you're going to be alright in the writer's room. Yes.   And how you get that job is because Bob in line producing knows Jim over in finance. Who knows some dude's cousin. And he's going to bring him in who used to work at the Y.  And that's the cold art on his truth of this industry. And so I'm talking to Alex on the phone. And he goes, you know what? It's just about people. It's just about working hard and getting your work out there.  Because it's not the truth.  Who do shows every single week who write more than anybody I've ever met in my entire life. And they're not recognized for it. So I do not believe that the harder you work, the more you get. I think being in the right place at the right time and being prepared for that opportunity. And really committing to what you do is. But I don't believe that the harder you work, the more you get. Well, I think in order to be prepared, you have to work very hard if they're a white male. Yeah. Work on that. Booking me white. Okay. Yeah. Try that. So I kind of disagree with you. Go ahead. I think working very hard. I think it's necessary. I don't think it's why you get a job. I do. I don't. Because I don't think that there is, because I've seen too many scenarios where I've had the same people in a group and they all got hired. All of them work equally as hard. But they got selected because they were in that opportunity and that position at that point in time. But that just gets them in the door. Sure. That's it. I just want to use the term confirmation bias. Confirm. Okay. Go ahead. I don't know what it means. Well used. Thank you. I think you're looking at one situation and coming up with an explanation that confirms what you think. Okay. But. I don't have any samples. All that matters in I think in work is a work ethic. I think in the end all that anybody truly respects is how hard you work. I've even noticed it with this podcast. Alex and I have been crunching numbers. He hates me. What? Why? I can't. We see. Did I say really? Oh my God. Okay. All right. It's the Jewish accountant in you. All right. Alex and I have been cooking the books. We've been going over the, and the harder we work on the show the more popular. Work begets work. Work begets work and people respect a work ethic, especially in comedy, especially in stand-up. Sure. I mean you watch Colin special. No one works harder than Colin. So you're wrong. But I'm saying, but then you're using your same thing against me. That's a confirmation bias. I'm just saying that you're saying what you're saying is that what people say to like people like me, millennials or whatever is that. You're not a millennial. I am a millennial. You're not. You're different. She's a millennial. Thank you.  I know. But I'm saying, but so then why does the same? I think there's nothing more frustrating when I'm trying to get advice from somebody when they're like, you're just, you just have to work harder.    I'm serious. What are you talking about? I do think from what I've been reading, I didn't, I wasn't aware of this, but apparently in corporate America, women traditionally have not been given a fair shake. I've never heard this. This is what I've read. This is news. This is news to me. The headlines, it fell though. And that, that they're paid 70 cents on the dollar, which I think is wrong. They should be paid 72 cents on the dollar. If that were true, it'd be really big news. Yeah. But so clearly. No, in all seriousness, I do know that women are told when they lean in and speak up, be patient, you'll get there, just keep working hard. And that is a, that is oppression. For women, that's a form of oppression. I agree with you. It's frustrating. Well, it's more than frustrating. It's oppression. It's illegal. And the number, I mean, Michelle Obama's speech when she went after Donald Trump, rewatch it, because that's exactly what she was saying, that women in their professional careers are constantly told, work harder, hang in there, your turn will come and it doesn't.  No. One's lunch, am I right? No, I mean, I agree with you. I agree and I apologize because at the beginning of this conversation, I really wasn't listening to you. Because sure, yeah, I know that makes sense. When you said that, because yeah, but the answer, I guess, because I do like to tell women how to think. Man's mansplain, some mansplain. I don't know what the answer. I think the answer is one of my daughters is. Alex just sighed so loudly. He just sighed. Well, he was the victim verbally. He saw. I gotta go.  You're going home. You'll be all right, buckles. No, no, no, I'm doing great.  I'm just saying like. If you really love me, Andrew Goldstein, I do.  If you if you respect me as a comedy writer. But you Dusty is sitting by the door right now.  All he's thinking is daddy will be home soon and I'm not going to disappoint him. So this is more about this is about mental warfare. Did we come up with a great joke today? We did single mothers. Right.  I'm sure I know, but he's ridiculously adorable. Have I ever as anything ever come out of me that you had to pick up with a tissue paper? No, give it five to six more years. So you're going to go home. This is what's going to happen because I'm going to literally go home and expect a duty. You've evacuated for an evacuation is what you're doing. You're leaving.   You're going to say, you know, I could have stayed here. No, when I when I am I die with that steaming pile of horseshit, I will think David Feldman. How old is Dusty? Two years old. Oh, so on behalf of him and I, I say I bid you adieu. Thank you for letting us do. I do. I do do. I bid you adieu. Thank you for having me buckles. You'll be fine. Thank you so much. I'm going to sit. I'm going to take his seat. OK. Well, we have a guest. Oh, we have somebody else is coming in. Oh, are we are we pausing and waiting until 345 going?  Christ. I'm so glad he's gone. I really need ice coffee, Alex. You need ice coffee? Ice coffee. Do we have ice coffee for our guest? Yes. He hates me. He hates me. I plugged his his podcast. Whose podcast? Andrew has a podcast here. Sorry, I've been so busy. It's part of the show. Briss family. It's with with Matthew Goldich. And he's a great comedy writer. Oh, really? Who you should have gotten to recommend you for the late night program because. Sure, he. But why but Colin? Colin Quinn is the best. When do you find out? I think I find out pretty soon. I think it's they said in February, late February, and it is currently late February. All right. So we're going to go over a couple of things I want to ask you. Sure.  You have a work ethic. Yes. You're out there. You're starting a brand new job. You keep relationships going. Yes. You put up with.  Why doesn't it get under your skin? What? Just the garbage.  I think so. I think stuff does get to me.  It's not help. It's not.  So you don't take it personally. No, you can't. You just can't. I need advice from you. Yes. Because I tend to take things. Do you have any milk? Yeah, I'll give him no. God, sugar. What is this? He gave you ice. And coffee. Ice. Speaking of ice, if you work for ice, shame on you. Right. You know that they're like checking for ID on the sixth train? No, they're not. Yeah, they are.  Yeah. Yeah, that's terrifying. It's pretty bad. Yeah. So I take things. I try not to take things personally. Hard not to. But sometimes I do. Sure. Especially when very successful people. Uh-huh. You're the best. You're the best. Thank you so much. Ah, there you go. Is that good? It's great. Who taught you not to take it personally? I don't know. I had, well, let's see. I had like a career slash coach when I first moved to New York named Dallas Travers. I'm going to plug her because she's the best. And she helped me with a lot of that stuff. And then there's a book out right now. Wait, can I look at the title? Because I don't want to mess it up. Well, sure. We're talking with Kristen Buckles. Sorry. And this is the self-help part of the show. This is self-help that I will definitely plug. I find it interesting while you're looking. I find it interesting that Goldstein is always working. And you're always working. I'm not always working. I will be, but let's see. The book is called You're a Bad Ass, How to Stop Downing Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero. It's the number one New York Times bestseller. Go ahead and get it today. And you know where you should buy it? Where? Go to the David Feldman Show website. Do you have it? Hang on. Oh, through Amazon. I know what you're doing. Yeah. Okay, go ahead.  I can dip my beak. You know, Amazon's a Trump supporter. He, Bezos, first of all, owns The Washington Post. He does? Yes. Okay. He bought The Washington Post for $250 million, and he's reinventing newspapers. The Washington Post is a great newspaper. Washington Post and New York Times are the only two papers I have on my phone. Well, he saved The Washington Post, and he's creating a business model for future journalists. Youslaven taught me how to read The New York Times, which I'm frustrated about. Well, I will in a second. So, but Jeff Bezos did destroy Main Street. Yes. And he met with Trump, but is he on the Council of Economic Advisers? I don't think so. No. So, how did he support Trump? I thought that I was just on the list of things we're supposed to hate. Well, I happen to have, I was going to have her on the show. There's a good cultur. There's a bad cultur and a good cultur, and cultur is the bad cultur. But there's a cultur out of San Francisco, and they profiled her in The New York Times. She runs Grab Your Wallet. And she... Oh, yeah. What is Grab Your Wallet? I'm looking for the list here.  I mean, I'm going to get this wrong, so I don't want to, I don't want to mess this up. But I will say that Grab Your Wallet, if I'm remembering correctly, is a blog or article or something that I've definitely seen on Facebook of things, of the outlines, different companies that support different things, and where, how, which companies you can go to instead that support the correct things. Right. And it's grabyourwallet.com, as opposed to Steve Bannon's website, grabyourwallet.org, which is what Steve Bannon does. That's Steve Bannon's website? Yeah.  Is that good, Alex? Did I make it funny? That was good, right? That was great. You're doing great, Feldman. Okay, I'm doing good. You're doing great. Mommy, I made a duty. Mommy, I made that was... When I drive Alex crazy. Yeah. When I have a night... When you just drive him nuts? When I'm, when I do something well, I'll go, Mommy, I made a duty. Jesus Christ. Mommy. It's all about toilet training. Yeah, it really is. Yeah. It's how your toilet trained. Is it? Yes. That's interesting. If you are, according to Freud. Yeah, what is it? If you're shamed by your duty.  Then you're greedy. Really?  So when you, it's, you're making an offering to the world. And if your parents go, ew, that's disgusting, then you're not going to be creative. And you're going to be tight with money, according to Freud. The fact that my stepson pooped and I cheered for him is a good thing. Do you know why I never have writer's block? Why? Because every time I pooped, my parents would eat it. Oh Jesus, he ruins everything. That's how much they encourage my... How much longer until someone else gets here? Do you want me to write that letter for you? Yeah. When do I get to go? This is, and I did that with all my kids. What? You ate their feces? I would eat their poop because I wanted, it was their offering to the universe. And I felt that... That kind of backfired for you, didn't it?  Because I'm a strict Freudian. Okay, let's get back to whatever else we're talking about. Back to saving the country. These are some companies that you should boycott. We'll tear it. Well here, we'll go back and forth. This is from Grab Your Wallets. You should boycott World Wrestling Entertainment. Linda McMahon is now the head of Small Business Administration under Trump. She donated, is this six million dollars? She donated six million dollars to Donald Trump and his allies. So you should stop watching World Wrestling Entertainment according to Grab Your Wallets. You're kidding. It's fascinating that people watch it anyways. Am I just going off of right here? How do you say this last name, Steve? Oh, Mnuchin. Mnuchin, okay. Steve Mnuchin at Goldman Sachs. Looks like he donated $5,400 to Trump and allies. And now the Department of Treasury Secretary, Goldman Sachs. So I'm boycotting Goldman Sachs. Alex, when is our IPO? This podcast was going to go public, right? And they were going to underwrite the public offering. Well, this is going to be a stock that was going to be traded. But because of Steve Mnuchin, we're not going to do business with Goldman Sachs. And what's his new title? He's the Cabinet Secretary, head of Treasury? Department of Treasury Secretary. I am boycotting money. Me, too. Because this pig is in the Trump Administration. Also because it's stocked. I'm going to use my credit card. I'm not going to use cash. Okay. From now on, I use only my credit card. Okay. Uh, David Friedman. I don't know who he is or what he's done, but I'm boycotting Judaism. Oh, I like that. Okay. Your turn. Wilbur Ross, W. L. Ross and Co. donated $5,400 to Trump and allies plus on 956K to conservatives from 1990 to 2016. And he's now the Department of Commerce Secretary. He's the Secretary of Commerce. I don't even know what W. L. Ross or W. L. Ross and Co. is. So boycott commerce. Boycotting commerce. Peter Thiel, head of Planetier Technologies. He spoke at the Republican Convention. Okay. He put Gawker out of business. He did. He sued Denton, the publisher of Gawker because he bankrolled. He had all this money that he made from PayPal. So he bankrolled the lawsuit. What's his name? The wrestler. Who what's his name? It's Hotten here. It is Hotten here. Huh? Hulk Hogan's lawsuit. Oh, he did? Against Gawker was bankrolled by Peter Thiel because Peter Thiel wanted to put Gawker out of business and he was mad at Gawker for outing him.  So he wanted to get even with Denton for outing him. So he bankrolled the lawsuit that put Mr. Denton out of business.   Your turn. Rex Spillerson. You know where I got that joke? No, it's horrible. You did it. What? I don't get it. You get it. His name is Rex Tillerson. Spillerson because of Exxon Mobil.  He's a closeted Muslim? There's one human being listening who's going to get this joke. Okay. I just made it up. Go ahead. His real name is Rex T for the Tillerson. Okay. You don't get that, do you? I don't get it. Kat Stevens, who converted to Islam. Oh, really? And he had an album called T for the Tiller. I didn't know that. So the joke is Rex T for the Tillerson. Okay. I hate myself. Anyways. I'm going to self-harm today. Yes.  And he is the Department State Secretary now. Cherna Moskowitz. I'm boycotting Jewish women. You're boycotting Jewish women, right? I don't know who Cherna Moskowitz is. If you're, let me just say something.  This is David Feldman speaking. If your name is Cherna Moskowitz. Mm-hmm. You have to be on your best behavior. Yes. Otherwise, change your name to Cherna Mosk. Yes. And let the Muslims get the blame. Yeah, there you go. But if your last name is Moskowitz, you have to be on your best behavior. Sure. All right. All right. I think we've done enough damage, right? Yeah, I feel good about that. Oh, Linda Bean. And also Betsy DeVos, because she's terrifying. Although she was trying to keep the transgender bathroom. Oh, she was? Yeah, she got overruled by Jeff Sessions. So in her defense, she stood up for transgender people. Okay. L.L. Bean, this is interesting. Linda Bean, by the way, do you know who Orson Bean is? No. He is Andrew Breitbart's father-in-law. Really? Yeah. Andrew Breitbart died in 2012, but Andrew Breitbart married Orson Bean's daughter. I didn't know that. And you don't know who Orson Bean is? No. Unfortunately, most of my listeners do.  As I mentioned earlier, we're heard in every nursing home. Every nursing home in the Tristate area. What, the way this podcast works is most sons don't want to visit their aging parents. So they just play the podcast in nursing homes. Yeah. And most old Jews think their son is visiting them. That's good. Yeah. Doing something right. So Linda Bean, one of the owners of L.L. Bean, gave $60,000 to Donald Trump. And she also gave an illegal donation to Making America Great Again, which violated laws given to us by the Federal Elections Commission. So do you shop at L.L. Bean? No. I'm not a square. As I said earlier in the show, that it's not good enough to boycott a company. Yeah. You have to let them know you're boycotting it. You have to voice it. Yeah. Tweet, Facebook, Snapchat. Like I've called Bloomingdale's and said I'm not going to wear Ivanka's shoes. Right. And they're like, should we stop all those orders for your heels, Feldman? This is David Feldman. At nine o'clock every evening, I become Star. And Star, S-T-A-R-R. Star. Sure.  Every day. Every day I change into a gown. And I get on the A train. Sure. And I ride the A train all night as Star. All night? As with a wig, I wear it when that train's not going to express. That's a long ride. And I have a Chanel number five knockoff that I reek of. And I used to wear Ivanka's red shoes. But not anymore. Because. Well, actually, I never did. Star did. Star did. Okay. Star. Have you ever met Star? No, I've never met Star. She's actually very kind. Yeah. Unless you say something hurtful. Yeah. Then Star can lash out. Sure. Especially on the A train. This bit is really old. When she's ignored. Okay. Star does not like to be ignored on the A train. All right. That's why she wears. When Julia getting here? That's why Star wears so much. Of the Chanel number five knockoff. What is your discipline? What time do you are? Are you a morning person? I wish I was. I'm kind of not. What time do you normally get up? And do you stick to a schedule? Do you have that kind of discipline? When I'm working like consistently at a job, where I have to be there at a certain time. Yes. But if I'm left to my own devices, I get up around nine. You get up at night.  I would say late night, or like I'm letting myself sleep, and I can sleep until like 11 30. What's the latest you go to bed? The latest? Yeah. Probably three, two or three. Do you ever find it six in the morning? No. And the A train is stuck and. I think I would be just in tears in a puddle at that point. That's how Star usually answers. Are there ever days where you can't sleep? Yes. And what do you do? Usually I get up and I read or I meditate. Meditation is very important. Yes. I'm trying to be much better about it. I've been told that's the secret to survival in the age of Trump. Yes, I think it is. To meditate. To meditate. To tap into something bigger than all of us. Yes. I think so. I've been doing. I think of Chris Christie. Chris Christie. That's instead of meditating. That's what you do. That's your that's your mantra. Well, he's bigger than all of us. He is bigger than all of us. God, Alex, I'm trying to be funny here. If you keep put, hang on, put the news down.  Alex is going crazy. How long do you meditate for? My goal is to meditate twice a day for 20 minutes. And do you have a mantra? Yes. What is it? I can't tell you. Why? It's Vedic meditation. I was given my mantra through a seven week course that I took five years ago and I was told that I could not tell anybody my mantra. So I'm not. Nope. You know what my mantra is? What? It's very spiritual. What is it? I never should have let my ex-wife keep the car. It really. I feel like that might not be serving you. That's spiritual, right? Sure. I repeat it over and over and over again. And I just focus on her driving my car and having fun. That makes more sense for where you are personally in life. But that's your mantra. Is that spiritual? Yeah, absolutely.  No, I think it's my, I just spend the entire time trying to like saying, doing my mantra and just, it's, it's very, I think that the reason meditate, and I really don't know. I'm not like a professional or anything.  And you can meditate professionally. You said you're not a professional. No, I don't think anybody's a professional. You just said you're not a professional. No, I think some people are. Can I hire you to meditate for me? No. You're doing it yourself. Wouldn't that be great? Why don't you do a service? Were you, people like me are way too busy. Uh-huh. Can't we hire somebody to meditate for us? Something tells me you don't understand meditation. I do. No. Yes. You have to do it yourself. Well, I, I don't have time. I'm a power broker. That's such a bad excuse. I don't have time. Well, maybe if you had meditated for me, I could have written the letter to the late night program. Another excuse. I had to meditate.  You don't think there's a way to, to start a business? I, I would imagine that you were just in some sort of like YouTube hole and that's your, that's why you don't have time. I'm pretty good with my time. Okay. What's your, what's your discipline? My discipline, in all honesty. Yeah, no, I'm serious. What's your routine? Walk me through your morning routine. Well, Star comes home at six. Then she showers. Sure. She dips her hair into the sink. Woolite to get all, I use woolite to get. When's Julia getting here? Do you have a to-do list? My secret is a not to-do list. Is a not to-do list? I just learned that from Tim Ferriss. And not to-do list. Oh, no, I have a to-do list. I have an urgent list and a not so urgent list. What is the not so urgent list? Like stuff that I would like to do, but it's not urgent. And then another stuff that just like needs to be done. And do you make it every day? Yes. What time? I would say wake up. I do coffee, social media, a little bit of emails. And then I round like, I would say 1030. I go through and I make my lists. And how long does it take you to make a list? I don't know, 15 minutes. So I think the secret to life is lists. Lists. I feel like people are very disorganized in general. Lists help.  You got to be able to look at your turmoil. Physically look at it. Because our brains are not designed to hold nuisance tasks inside. We're designed to stave off the attack of a gazelle. Yes. Not to pick up our dry cleaning. No. So when that's swimming in our head, dry cleaning, coffee filters, make sure you fed the child tied to the radiator in the basement. All those little, that's just nuisance. Do you find that you can be busy but not productive? Yes, absolutely. Isn't that the secret to a not to do list? I think so. Where you say I could answer all these emails that'll keep me busy, but I have nothing to really show for my day. Right. Yeah, I feel like when I'm feeling like desperate or just not great about myself, I do lots of emails. When you're in love, have you ever been in love? I am in love. Well, I'm sorry, but you're my daughter's age and this has to be, are you in love? Mm-hmm. Good for you. Thank you. And when you're in love, everything feels good. Yeah. You're where you need to be. The universe makes sense. In love, maybe not in everything else. When you have a to-do list. Yeah. There's really one thing you need to do. What? Well, everybody has a different thing that they need to do, but in the, don't clear your throat on my show. I'll do whatever I want. When you filter your life through being in love, everything's great. Right? Yeah. When you're in love, anything that happens, good or bad, you can't wait to tell the priest that you're in love with or the, I had to go there. Yeah, you did. I had to, I panicked. You bailed. I panicked. That's why you'll never be Colin Quinn. No, I never will be. You bailed. And I know that that special, that was an affront to me. He did that special, the most recent special, just to show me what a bad comic I am. Yeah. When you're in love, everything is about, oh, I can't wait, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. When you have tasks, it's the same thing as being in love. There's one person you love and there's one task that you know you need to be doing. What's the task? Well, it's up to you to decide. Where are you going with this? What I'm saying is that my troubles start when I start the day and finish the day doing everything, but the one thing I'm supposed to be doing. And I think most of us fail because we have a to-do list of 200 things and there's really one important thing that we should be doing. And that is the thing we're not doing. Yeah, that's fair. And then all of a sudden, those 199 things that you're supposed to do to take care of themselves. If you do the one thing you're supposed to do, then the 199 things that you're supposed to be doing. That's actually fairly insightful. Take care of themselves. Yeah. And it's the same thing with love because if you're in love and all the other nuisances in life tend to- Isn't that just a lesson on perception? Because it's not the love, it's just how you feel. It's how you feel. Right, it's how you're viewing it. Right. And when you're in love, you generally feel pretty good. So everything else feels pretty good because it is pretty good. But when you're not feeling great and things aren't great, it's not that the things aren't great, it's that's how you feel about it. So if hypothetically speaking, if I were in love with somebody, the- Very hypothetically speaking. The sun rises and sets with this human being and I filter all of life's experience through this love that I feel for this other person. Yeah. If in the morning I have forgotten to get coffee filters and I'm caught taking yesterday's coffee filter and rinsing it in the sink and it's still perfectly good. I didn't turn the tap water on so powerfully that it blew a hole in the coffee filter. Right. And I'm able to then- This is like a summer blockbuster, just like an enormous budget with a plot that goes nowhere. I'm just saying that if I then take the coffee filter and reuse it. Yes. Because I'm so in love that I forgot to get new coffee filters. Right. So what's the problem here? Exactly w