The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you.  We needed guest hosts So Frank Conniff filled in for me a couple of other people filled in and it was amazing It was just that we got the numbers went through the roof. Everybody said you finally solved the problem of the David Feldman show It's David Feldman. So please welcome our guest host Keith from Keith and the girl.  Thank you and thank you for having no ego about it Super Tuesday was this past. I think it was Tuesday Classic David The reason Trump is doing so well in Arkansas is due to his constantly talking about how he wants to bang his own daughter That's what they do down there. You know what that joke was so good because there was like no Jew after-effect I think you know it was innocent. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Hillary Hillary's winning in Massachusetts Yeah, okay by a Carly for in a hair. You know what I mean? I think I do yeah pronounced Carly Fiorina But it would be who's the who's the host David Carly Fiorina hair, but that's this is why your show does better with the Yeah, we have to think about my voice. I'm sorry Carly Fiorina hair Thursday was the big debate. Yes, if Thursday's debate we're an episode of the Flintstones Brett Bayer would be Brett Boulder of Rocks news. I don't know any of these people Nice nice, but I think the writer because I hired some of the best writers Okay, and show business, right? I think what do you think they meant? I think they're saying that Brett Bayer from Fox News looks like Flintstones character. Right, right. So he'd be like Boulder Flintstone Dr. Ben Carson was gonna show up But he received the last minute robocall from Ted Cruz telling him the debate was actually the Academy Awards And he wasn't nominated and could these be more wordy? Hey, seriously though, did you guys see the Oscars black America sent a message that Hollywood's gonna remember for Three or four days to come Long time hashtag black lives matter Honestly guys the Oscars were the best in years, and you know the producers were going. Hey, we should fail to nominate people of color more often It's not funny, but it's like a good I hear Donald Trump's cock is up for an Oscar in the category of best short Talking about oh, there's more Christ I think Donald Trump the GOP has finally gone from the part of Lincoln or the party of this as part I don't a writer just got fired. That's cool. That's cool a secret service agent protecting Trump Oh, yeah, definitely. That's a smart one. It's not gonna get a laugh But it's a it's a thinker right this one's for the college kids Thanks to Donald Trump the GOP has finally gone from the part of the party of Lincoln for the party of Jefferson Davis Philosophy class right there 101 pretty good. Just think about it. I like that delivery. Thank you a Jefferson Davis was Jefferson Davis he was the president of the Confederacy, so it's the president of the Confederacy, so it's Yeah, not funny a secret service agent protecting Trump beat up a photographer for time magazine Nice to see my good friend Alec Baldwin finding work again. What? No, it's true Wait because he beats up he beats up paparazzi remember paparazzi, so now he's working for the secret service That's the premise of the joke right well a lot of people these days are comparing him to Mussolini, and I think that's unfair Uh, I know it's not nice to Mussolini What are we talking about it's the truth? I think it's unfair to call Trump a fascist I see him more as a Nazi Oh David Duke is really taking the heat. Oh My god you reading this in the news guys Yeah, yeah, he's taking the heat the motion picture Academy of Arts and Sciences just revoked his membership that means no more screeners Wait at my writer gave me a joke. Oh, okay. Hang on for one second He's reading these jokes.  I mean this guy is Faye fingers Trump had this look on his face like he smells what he's saying My birthday No, okay, no, it's the worst day in my life I'm I'm confused.  I'm confused when met Romney cause Donald Trump a phony and a fraud Does he mean he's does that mean he's endorsing him? It's like he's talking about himself We have more there's only ten more pages There could have been a way for the GOP to stop Trump's votes from being counted But Scalia went and died on us the guy from the court Scalia. It was Scalia. You call him It must be difficult. You call him Scalia. Yeah. Yeah, I never liked him I don't know because he's like a lizard when I don't respect people. I don't say their names, right? He's like a lizard. He's like a lizard, okay It must be difficult for all these diehard Republicans being forced to disavow white supremacist with Scalia's corpse barely called Probably something that makes sense Yeah, yeah, it's not funny. No, I like it. It's more like an encyclopedia.   Oh Millennials I'm a millennial. I think she should leave Donald go ahead That's Donald's wife Megan McCain here's some thoughts. Oh, that's that's it. That's it. That's it The best part David explaining the jokes so tell the audience that we're gonna take a quick break We're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna be back with Keith and the girl. We're right back with Keith and the girl Welcome back to the David Feldman show. I'm guest host Keith from Keith and the girl I'm this here with me. Of course the girl. Okay. Okay, and let's go around the table and Say hello, let's start with you number one Hey, I'm Gabriel axe and you number two I am Andrew Goldstein and of course David Feldman is joining us as well. I'm June number five Not my place to say Andrew looks mad because I I believe he was promised to be June number one So I don't know how you're gonna work that out between you guys I think you can switch spots because I'm only half Jewish I feel like I don't deserve the coveted June number one spots You don't count one of the one of the things we do for our guest hosts Is you know a lot of you're very quick both of you are very quick with it He's pointing at me both of you very funny But we'd like to provide a Jew for each guest so that they can be witty appreciate it Andrew over here is a full Jew Okay, I feel you need a can I take that one?  Why don't we switch places? So you get full access to your Jew. Thank you less than the audience could feel like more intimate You know, I feel like they could feel that he was in the wrong place just now I always like them on hand across. Yeah, and and just just so you know Here is here is Andrew's Concision papers. Thank you.  Sorry. Hey, it might be half Jewish, but his name is full Jewish gave what? What is it Gabe wax lax lax?  He's like some's gonna come just wait Most of Brazil's job is editing down those So David what's new? Oh I don't know. I was curious. I wanted to talk to you guys about podcasting and the current state of the industry and There's a guy running for president who I really think has captured the imagination Crocodile Dundee. Yeah. Yeah, he's fantastic. It's so good. Mm-hmm, and I think this race in Australia is gonna be very surprising It's like that's not a country, you know, mm-hmm. That's a country. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good platform to run on Good talk you guys I didn't know this whole thing was serious. All right You're hosting the show because it's better when I'm just a guest on my own show. I'm trust me you guys think about this Right, I grew up Jewish. Yeah, you guys are committing to the Jew bit. Sure, right? Okay. Yeah No, like in life, right? Like yeah, so I figured like me growing up Jewish I went to Shiva.  Yeah, so I've been atheist for a while Okay, and I'm not sure if it affected my jokes Jew. Would you have said what I just said funnier as A half-Jews still living in your Jew state of mind. Oh Good question. I don't think it would have been nearly as funny. I think that you nailed it. Oh, oh interesting See as the writer I have to compliment the performer at all times. Oh, then I should talk to you more often That was fun. Thank you very much.  Yes, and that yes, I do Very upset I it's killing me inside. I'm just rotting me. Did they often blow it or not? You know say it the right way they tell it better if they get bigger laughs and people it's it's kind of frustrating Cuz I can write like when I tweet I'll write something and it's really I think clever Right, you know like I have this joke my doctor. I tweeted this my doctor says I need to eat more more greens I Tweeted that How do you spell that what do you mean is it a video?   He sends it He tweeted it and deleted it with five different It gets nothing gets nothing zero no retweets nothing what just you know followers Everyone in here does not understand that for like a split second because that was just golden I don't know how I didn't retweet that just That kind of stuff passes by me and that this is why I can't go to the next step in my comedy career I heard that Twitter was down for half a second. Maybe that was it. Yeah But the frustration is if I were to give a Beaumont like that to a celebrity, right? It would get a million retweets and people would think it's the greatest I'll tell you why because if you give a funny joke to someone who normally doesn't tell jokes Everyone's just surprised that they said half a joke.  Yeah, I've been using that greens joke for Just all day today bus driver Oh, they love it. They love but they don't know they don't expect it from me. I'm just I'm just a regular, you know civilian walking around He's not even a Jew. Yeah, I love it. They're like, are you have Jewish and I'm like, no I just know how to make the sound. Yeah, I just look So what was your question? When you what that was that you answered it when you write for people Do do they sometimes blow it and are you devastated?   Sure. Which one's better? Am I my jeffus? Let's talk about me. Am I devastated? I Think every comedy writer thinks they can do better than the person they're writing it for really Why are you leaving me at least when I write for a host for the most part? I'm always like, oh god, can't you tell where the comma was you?  Don't you like fall in love with? Yeah, the guy's you know, you're all you're writing for when they nail it They nail it and then it's like the best feeling in the world.  Yeah, I wrote for Nick Lashay He hosted a morning show on VH1. Whoa, what is that process like this is it from 98 degrees? Yeah Name one song David Jews break it's a great something to my heart.  Let's get back together It played in the car all the time. When's the last time you talk the hardest thing I'll ever have to do Talk to Nick Lashay. No, that was another song Yeah, I think about writing for comedians if you would have stayed Jewish you would have gotten that But when you lot you lost all ability to Finish sentences. Let's let's go around the room David. When's the last time you talk to your daughter? Wow We'll hit up everybody does testifying in court camp. Yeah, yeah that counts Gabe last time you talked to David's daughter Or you're talking about You're talking about that daughter hold on hold on just making sure All right. Well, I got a New York Times in front of me. I see What do we think about the times David? I think it's the Talmud. Okay. Oh, wow. It should be interpreted However, you want Depending on who's your teacher. No, is that only me that learned that in the Shiva I Think that you need a good book to work off and their flaws in every good book, right? But I think the New York Times is the good book and if everybody read it in this country We would not be where we are right now David. You are easily half an hour late to your own show. Yes Do you not respect people or is it an honest to God disease? Is it like depression and I should feel bad for you you want me to answer honest. Yeah, please, okay I mean, it's it's a combination of not wanting to spend money on a personal assistant. Okay. I need a personal assistant So I and I what slap you out of bed Yes, okay and So I don't have a personal assistant So I do all my stuff by myself and I'm also did you forget that you had to do a show today No, I'm an alcoholic. Okay. I haven't had it. This is some softening you up by telling you that and so I have very few Thrills in life and one of the thrills in life is rushing to be rushing to be on time I mean that I can't do anything about it. So it's like if I and if I nail it if I get I feel like I've cheated the universe if I Get someplace on time given all the bad car in spite of yourself. Yes, right and today was not Not good and and finally I have zero respect for other people. I'm a malignant narcissist and I just don't care about other now. I'm why Jews are so attracted to you. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm, and I like apologizing a lot They make me feel better going it's okay. No, it's a preemptive strike. It's great to walk into a room and just go I'm sorry right before ever before you've said anything just to start off. I'm sorry How could anyone be mad at you? Yeah, I'm sorry. So well, he's sorry you guys. Yeah, that's why I have it I automatically have and I'm sorry right being late. I'm done has a delayed problem and but if we're gonna be she's pregnant Just forever Right. Yeah, I do yeah, but sometimes Kendra will say I'll tell him we'll be there to wherever we're going in five minutes I'm like we won't though. We won't be there for another. I don't know 20 minutes half hour Time but just don't think about that. Just on five minutes and it shows them We're what rude? We we respect we're late, but we're gonna lie to you again. What did David? This is your fault and first of all, I was here 15 minutes before Keith. Hey, okay? That's one I was very proud of myself. I was amazed. I was floored. I was like, what do I do now? I'm walking up and down the street I swear to God because I was like so early and I knew I don't like when people come early to my place So I don't like doing it to them So I'm walking up and down the street and I went into a bodega I went into like a cafe, but like nothing strike me right and then I'm thinking I've been on my phone I've been walking up and down this block when I see Keith I'm gonna like slap him and then hold his hand and then like let go and then we're gonna get arrested for a drug Deal because I look so suspect right now and that happened to our friend of ours Like he's just I give you a compliment. Oh, no, I'm talking I The scenario describe yeah, as you would not be a rat. You're so beautiful. You're not being arrested for dealing drugs You would be arrested for being a That's how beautiful you are is that is that what happens to beautiful people. Oh my god I need to work on being arrested more often. That's actually how I met my wife. I said, how horrible was that? No, I just how horrible No, what I'm perfect amount when I met my wife.    Well, I propose to my third wife I said, you know instead of giving you fifty dollars every time I see you Why don't I just give you a half of everything I own? That's like half of whatever the other two This this math is not working up for a Jew perspective Well, I gave her half of everything I own which was actually 25 dollars. How many how many times have you been married seven times three times? Seven times was it three times? We you know what?  Okay How many times do you guys know? Was it just once or more? I'm gonna go six six six. All right. Let's just say I'm going through a divorce, right?  We had a guest on Keith and the girl and their their parents were getting or their dad was getting into his Fourth marriage or fourth divorce. Yeah, and it makes me wonder when you get should there be a limit You know when you're at the fourth one and you're like but this time I really love cocktail hour, right?  I was at this guy's house the parents house and They have like 17 toasters So good Can I pitch an idea to my the half Jew? Yeah, I want all my guests to be comfortable. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, hit me with it. I have an idea for a movie and you can write this. Oh, I can but we put my name on it, okay Great, it's a loving this so far. It's a billionaire. Okay, who is played by Adam Sandler, of course You're right. Okay. Yeah, very smart Adam and and he does a good story credit on this.   Okay with the same female divorce attorney, okay, and He begins to realize that the only reason he keeps getting married and divorced is he's in love with this divorce attorney David is this a script idea or confession? First of all my question to you is it has there been a movie already made like that I can't think of a single movie with that plot also. Does it matter that good point?  It doesn't matter. Okay, so can you write that for me and put my name on it? I will put it under consideration. All right, just understand that at some point the billionaire has to go So I Sorry, I just had to go make three million dollars Esquire Is that idea been done? I don't think so. It definitely never won an Oscar That's that idea been done. No, there's that movie with Pierce Brosnan where he's a divorce attorney who dates another divorce attorney Yeah, that's definitely so do you want to write that I'll write that it's kind of like the J Lo movie where she's the maid in the hotel Made in Manhattan. Yeah, if this is No, it's not like that. I watched that movie. He this other dude did not watch that clearly what happens in that movie that Nothing J. Lo goes look. I'm a normal person. We're like we see you J Lo She will not get a story credit You lost it That's but that's J Lo's every character. She's like look at me. I'm just this humble little person What's that the most eligible man in town wants to get together with me? I deny you for you will never love me for I am just a mere little mortal No, you want to pursue it for two hours. Oh, man, I'm creaming my pants.  Oh Hi, mate. I think you're pretty I would like to take you out just me No, um, you must have thought it was someone else because I was wearing your clothes for a minute But I can't tell you that so I guess I'll go on a date with you I'm gonna put my suitcase down because I mean it. Let's go out tonight. My goodness, but what should I wear? My phone's ringing. I'm ignoring it. Sorry. I'm finally focused on something real Wow Just for me, I feel like my dreams are coming true. Oh, look, I just blew the big deal. Who cares?  Yes Oh, well, but I'm gonna have the most perfect wedding and let's face it. That's all that matters the end You know that movie is that relationship causes the financial collapse. I can't believe it's 2008 Excuse me for one second. Yeah Credit roll Liza Manelli sings at your wedding. Oh, yeah For the credit roll. Yeah, for no reason. I'm bringing up Liza Manelli's name see an hour and a half My favorite song was by Bismarck key Just a friend I remember that song Hey, you know what I was thinking if I ever get married again the song I want to dance to is the one lady Gaga sang at the Oscars Which one is that?  He's having a good time. Just understand that David is having the best time right now I was watching Lady Gaga. Yeah, I'm like I was upset by that song. I honestly thought you were Saved But it's a serious issue I was upset by this song because I thought it really slowed the show down I was upset, but I did say to myself boy, that would be funny if somebody said I want to But to be my first dance in my way, right? It just was so congrats, but that that's what we do Gabe. Yeah, right? Wait, why did I say yeah to that? No, you see something sad sure right and you think of something worse That's where comedy I think comes from is like this is bad Right, let me think of something that's even worse and the bad thing becomes funny instead of sad That's why you're a billionaire and then they arrested everybody in Seinfeld Remember, yeah. Oh, yeah. Why what was that? So aides the last Do you believe 9-11 was an inside job, that's the best writers remember That was the movie I was gonna be up There's a movie called remember me or something with Robert Pattinson from like five years ago and the whole thing It's he marries his divorce attorney. Yeah, he marries divorce attorney and really no, but it's just like a boring romantic drama He's just in a building like they're on the rocks But they're gonna make try to make it work and he's in a building and he just looks out and then the camera pans out to show He's in the twin towers It cuts to a classroom and a teacher is talking a teacher We have not met in the movie before he's talking to a classroom. It says now class What's today's date and then she writes September 11th? Drive it home And what happens to him and then lies him and Ellie's okay, please Is it understood that the plane's gonna crash into the building though? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Robert Pattinson. Ah, that's funny What's everybody got stupid? I wish more Tony Shalu played Muhammad Ata in that movie Tony Shalu did a killer Muhammad Ata in that movie. It was phenomenal. It was like Monk But terrorist II he had to keep touching the handle five times Is OCD I guess I never saw the show Monk whatever. What are our thoughts David that show on television? Yeah Andy Breckman my friend great at that. Look at this and he's been on the show. It's a small world. You met Andy Breckman Yeah, and he's great. Mind you met him. Mind you met him We worked with Andy Breckman. What was it remember? He would sit and literally He yeah, he's one of the funniest people ever said he but in terms of story structure and stuff Yeah, he would see a story for the first time and then break it down immediately It's pretty intimidating. He may be yes come that just took the juice pen away Yeah, the most powerful instrument We're name-dropping Names that nobody's ever heard of Which is very that's a good way to name drop right because nobody will know if you're telling the truth, right? You're like, I believe you good for you. No such thing as Andy Breckman There was never a show called Monk. I know you invented Tony Shalu I did not a real person. No, but it's a great punchline. The name Shalu is funny. Yeah, how did you guys meet?  Oh, it wasn't in just like the regular Jew meetings. Yeah Yeah, we know we met at the Bible breakfast. No, we met. I remember when we met it was No, it was the summer of 2001. We're at the meeting on whether or not the Twin Towers should come down Yeah, it was the Jew. Where are we gonna? Where are we gonna? We're gonna go to Hoboken and watch it Yeah, and throw the party with the rest of our people.  Yeah, and you forgot to bring the camera. So Trump They maybe did see something, but there's no proof. Yeah, well his little hands. He couldn't work the controls By the way, speaking of tweets, I'm seeing David. You are not a Trump supporter It's not coming off that way. I love Donald Trump. Well, it seems the Words are important. I love Donald Trump because I hate this country and we deserve it We deserve Donald Trump. Really?  This is because of the pot, isn't it and reefer madness and we deserve Donald Trump Hey guys, uh, Rubio said Trump had small hands. You remember that? Mm-hmm. Yeah, imagine how huge they make his tiny deck look What? What?  Wow, that's a great joke. That's a great show. It's all in huge That's a great joke. Yeah, I had that That's amazing The Jew came through. It's not a competition. It's not a competition. It's starting to feel like a competition It is a competition. I have like 10 here about Trump University just saying That wants to be brought up. Hey, I got some thoughts on Trump University Did you know I studied at Trump University? No, I didn't. Yeah, I earned a master race degree Wait a second. These are better than the jokes I gave you What? No, that's a great.    I'll work out some. No, no, no, no. Relax, Jew. He's been doing this. We threw you into this He's been prepping for this my whole five minutes talking about Trump University. It's not easy to get into You really need to score high on your ssat That's a Nazi thing Yeah, yeah, Trump has his own university. He got the idea from his hero duke. Yeah David duke, I bet duke university That's a thinker. That's like David's flim joke. Yeah, it's not right. I like the blurbs on the paper Oh, let me try again. Wait a second. Yeah, Trump has his own university. He got the idea from his hero duke Well, you know, they're a green university. They've gone green. Yeah I'm getting a slowdown. I'm getting intimidated by my Jew.  Yeah, okay.   I'm out. That's it. Wait a second. That's all I got now. Those are great The whole idea of this was for me to sit back. You have to encourage David Ssat's is an awful awful joke. No, no, no, no.  Hey, no, no, don't forget him This is a problem. Trump's a prick and he's got a small one What it's like. Why are we measuring dicks? Okay, you show me yours.  Hey, send me a sex. That's pretty good. You thank you I've had those in my back pocket for a while.  Go with that. I speak to you. We all know what that means. I'm having a spiritual crisis him I'm glad you came to me. I started the show by subsuming my ego And and now it turns out you guys are better guest hosts than I am Of my own show and this jew over here writes better jokes. Let me tell you this It's all a reflection of you if you weren't in the room. Who would we make fun of?  You're nothing. That's where good jokes come from. No, I'm You those jokes are much I could never write a joke. Hey, David. Is that you David speaking at Trump University? Four years at Trump University.  I understand What are we talking about?  If you trip blinker, you'll miss the whole experience. It's for blinker. Yeah Hey, it's like I got our switch face last night. Yeah, you really get off switch face at the fraternity party at uh, Trump University Hey, it's like why can't Trump take a shower to get that orange off his skin? Is he like scared of showers for some reason? Do you know what Trump University is?  We we we laugh about the Holocaust because it was funny Next year in Jerusalem No more Holocaust jokes No more Holocaust shows Because you're better at it than I am I just know a lot of names of of concentration camps so that I can use as puns. I don't I don't know if I know a lot Okay, all right, so I'm so be boring all of you guys. That's a deep cut Camp so be born. That was a tough one. They escaped from that one Thank you. I watch National Geographic channel way too much See, I have to take he knows he's better at Holocaust jokes than I am so I have to take the moral high ground There's nothing funny about I wish you would stop.  Thank you. You've really crossed the line You've really offended Rape jokes, I mean, it's like Woody Allen, huh?  Yes or no, David Feldman We're going around the room, right? Yeah, I'm a big Woody Allen fan, so I like it. I think he did Take that out of the show, Alex We'll cut that out. No, I don't think he did. Okay, good.  Yeah Wow, that's what does it for me. Uh, bill Cosby thoughts.  I panicked All right, so we're up to two. This is what I'm following. Okay, okay. He's guilty. He's guilty. He's guilty All right, who else? OJ. Yeah, OJ Simpson. He found the knife. We're gonna we'll go around the room We'll start with uh, David Feldman. Oh, I actually uh, think uh, my jew Who I've went you came up with the best joke. Well, he's a good guy about OJ's knife Um, I'll tell you in two seconds because it was on Good Morning America. It was my my tweet Got got used in the coverage on gma of my knife being found my guy's world famous It's such a wholesome show. I didn't watch it. Somebody sent me the screenshot But the joke just want to be clear that you didn't watch it. Right, right I don't wake up that I don't even have time to see it. I'm too busy writing jokes If you guys see my stuff on tv, tell me I guess if it makes you happy If they find the knife, he killed his wife Blessed or known Johnny Cochran rhyme ace's 10. They know ace's 10. That should be on the nightly news Gma really finds the big stories Thanks for the shout out You watch uh, we'll go around the room, but let's start with David Feldman on this one Do you watch uh, that show the people versus OJ Simpson? Uh, I have hulu. Okay And it's not running. Is it on hulu? I have two cars with that said I have not seen the show I drink OJ does that count?  What? Yeah, they were almost decapitated. Yeah. Yeah, really? Is that true? Yeah, I don't remember that was that in the tv show. I thought they were just laying outside I go by the tv show Grizzly Hmm. They didn't show it's so grizzly Yeah, that's about that. I I have not seen it because I watch all my first run tv shows on hulu and they haven't gotten around to it yet Wait, how are you watching it? We steal everything. I don't know we get it. We just get stuff my wife does things and then I sit No, I think whatever it's on I think we have is it on the amazon or netflix on FX Oh, it's on FX. How do we get it done? I think we get on I think we get on hulu through FX I but his FX is not running and I'd like to discuss this for 20 more minutes. I don't think Hulu is running OJ right now, but then obviously I'm lying david. Okay. I mean what the then I torrent it. I don't know what I do I'm watching it. Okay. Is it good? I don't know. I've never seen it. It will win all of the Emmys and I don't say that facetiously It will win all of the Emmys It's cringe worthy bad, but in the best possible way they they over explain things which is good more tv shows should do that They're like, uh lawyer johnny cochran who's working with me on this case How are you this morning? It's like, oh, yeah, it's johnny cochran. I remember and then he goes It's me johnny cochran. I'm going home now from working on this case And I was like, oh yeah, johnny from the early one. There's two black people. Thanks for being there, you know I like it Hey, uh, that's uh, but no exaggeration. They'll say for example, um, who's the Kardashian mom Chris. Yeah, chris chenner and it'd be like, hey chris chenner. That's uh, That's uh, Robert Kardashian. You just had a divorce with him. He's like, yeah, I did Should I let him around the kids came clowy and the other one? And then I'm like, oh, yeah, now I know who everybody is. That's fun.  I was reading the kardashian scenes are the most trolling Yeah, uh, it's the best. It's just like we It you should never care about being on tv. It's just about family and then like they look at the camera And give a wink if they're also sound like They really do Robert Kardashian's with the kids and saying, you know, this uh Trial is already turning into a circus. It didn't even start yet Remember, you know some lesson on fame not being important being a good person is coming out of nowhere And uh kim kardashian all but rolls her eyes. It's like, yeah. Yeah, right.  You know what? You know what? Okay. No, that's fair. We'll go around the room. We'll start with david felton. Okay. By the way, you are the best guest host Thank you. We we've ever had on the show. Thank you very much. I'm appreciating you more as a co-host. Thank you So I'm I feel like you revived our own our show right 11 years. Here's to another two months Have you been doing it 11 years? Yeah. Yeah, just celebrated march 7th Why don't you tell we've had you on the show before talking about key from the girl and we don't repeat ourselves So, okay, so let me ask you a question about katelyn Jenner Okay And I have to do my preamble Just to show that i'm on the right side of history. Okay. I know two trans people They're my friends I've had lunch with one of them the other one coffee So I can talk about trans people. Is that what you're saying? Yes. Okay. Thank you Because it's something I don't understand Right Yes, you are right the closest I get to the closest I get to understanding Is the hair transplants like I look in the mirror and I like seeing my hair transplants despite How uncomfortable everybody else around me is I think they love it They always they're always joking about it. They love it.  They look like a cat.   I don't get anything from you. You know that it wasn't funny You know I loved it. I was desperate. You're doing a lot of um sound jokes today Okay, go ahead. You know it's your job to be funny, right? I'm intimidated by my jew anytime you say quiff. I'm in your corner, buddy All right, so my apologies. No, I was just saying that I feel bad for may grind because she Clearly got all the plastic surgery before all the good plastic surgery was invented Right because like now you can like Kardashians. They've all had it and they're beautiful, right? They've had it in their 20s. There's nothing to do. They're having fake jobs Like that's mega rang out in like 89 when they were still using I don't think it's first of all I I think in all honesty, I think you're hoping to have her on the podcast I think you go back to holocaust jokes. I I'm offended by mega mega ranger. That's mean I can look past They didn't kidnap her and do that to her face. She paid for it now when she has an orgasm at cats is deli It sounds like a quiff Nice, I love it. God damn. You're funny.  Good job, dude. I'm still writing I'll have the quiff she's having the rust quiff A cat's is deli.  I'm a cutter I go home after the show, I'll feel bad and I'll just sit with a razor and just cut my body And I go, there's blood coming out of my skin. I'm totally out of control of my life But this is something I can control. I can control the pain. I can control the blood I'm a cutter and I think Hold on. Is this true? Yeah, I can't tell you have to smile on the whole time. I'm joking. Okay I'm the most boring person in the world. I don't even cut.  Okay, and I think I want a perfect body Right Is that Lady Gaga? No, no, no, that's uh, what's this? Yeah, radio radiohead Anyway, uh, I'm sorry. I totally threw you David just stuck in radiohead thoughts now There are five members of the band they originated in I think women in Hollywood Go to plastic surgery surgeons for the same reason they cut themselves. It's the only thing they can control I think we talk about them when they have Uh lines around their eyes and then we talk about them when they get rid of it And then we talk about it. It's like you can't win to catch 22 You're trying to keep in a career where everyone's taking over your job and be relevant and it's it's like an unfair Anyway, june, what are you up to? Why am I saying this shit?  How did we get on this platform? He's a half june. He's a half june. My mom does a lot of cutting, but it's mostly brisket What? I'm I'm I'm not giving you a hard far Now I'm intimidated by you Now I'm begin. How did how did I meet you? Uh, Jesus. Um, yes, it was a beautiful spring morning. We're at that cutting seminar How to do it and hide it From all of your loved ones.  Yes, is it possible because I was reading I don't mean to take the show away No, but I encourage my guests to uh to talk to form opinions. That's the point of a panel Okay, we'll start with uh, david felton. Okay, so I I'm again the preamble blah blah blah some of my best friends are But Caitlyn Jenner is talking about that's all the time for now. David.  I don't understand why we give her so much credit.   She and and that's fine She got the sex change and that's wonderful and it's a platform and it's you know, showing people Something of what trans is but trans people aren't like yay.  She's a terrible person Let's not forget. She's part of the goddess. We say goddess now. Oh, I apologize. Yes. Yes.  I get it that it's like this is this is a difficult thing to do. It is a difficult in this time It is difficult to transition Um openly it's it's difficult to not transition.    She's in the court of law and they're like, oh, you're up for manslaughter She's like Bruce, who's bruise? I don't see a bruise and I like this mess. Yeah, he was right sticks it out Which jokes hey, by the way speaking of Caitlyn Jenner in the series finale of the people versus oj Simpson OJ is visited by Caitlyn Jenner. I don't know if you heard played by Mariska Hargitay I don't know that. Oh, she looks like Mariska Hargitay. That's a law in order to now Here's something really interesting. That's some law in order humor.  Okay, what happened earlier in the show we talked about the head coming clear off. Yes, right Mariska Hargitay's mother was dead and decapitated Jane Mansfield From the mansons. No Jane Mansfield the the the famous actress we all love in the door She's decapitated. I want to know what Jane Mansfield was the poor man's Marilyn Monroe.  And so You guys will get it. I don't have the joke. I just have the I got it. It's ironic that you said that Caitlyn Jenner In the oj movie would be played. Let me just explain the joke would be played by mariska hargitay because He looks she looks like mariska hargitay. My friend regrets writing that joke so much Worst movie ever made and I say, you know given that Nicole simpson's head came clear off.  Because earlier what's the band we mentioned earlier radiohead right the role of Nicole simpson could have been played by marisa hargitay's mother and if people knew what the jay mansfield was What across That's wrong crowd. There's a thin There's a thin line between comedy genius And teaching somebody what a joke is like they're two years old. Yeah, it's like and that's where you I have a beautiful mind And I'm lost in my own like I could mathematically explain a lot of these jokes But then I'd be you know Too smart. Sure. All right, we're gonna we'll go around the room But we'll start with uh, so my question is my question is If would you agree that republicans is a syllogism all republicans Are insane, right?  The point is I want my country back Okay, trump I want to go back to a better time When america was great. Yeah, that's not fair. I mean just abuse me of this this Reptilian brain What's it? What's the difference like I feel I don't know if this is the right comparison But you know the way that people are like oh muslims. They're responsible for isis. No, you're all saying, you know, maybe the word muhammad in your Tactics in your logic in your, you know beliefs But one is not the same as the other one is using it for evil one is using it for wrong one is is not Does not represent this other thing So even if there are crazy people who claim a lot of things They're crazy people who think they're joke writers and podcasters and comedians. Oh, that's do you want to indulge in that? I mean, that's what about this as a white male up top I'm with you. I'm all for change. I don't think you are I am but what about asking for permission first Before from money or from david felman running it by I think we should be able to vote on it Just the white men, you know, we're the power structure and we're all for what everybody wants But just write it by his first Just if we're if we're okay with it and ask us how long it's going to take us to accept some of this stuff I think we do and then we and then we put you in the corner and do it anyway Just like we did when we understood that our parents are wrong We said, okay, that's enough We're going to take over now But don't you think whether the trump rallies that those people just really they just want to be Just run it by them Just explain it to them and then they'll be okay with it I think they're ready to hear anything you explain anything to them any which way and they'll go that way he says bullshit like Uh, the mexican president is going to pay for the wall cut to the mexican president going Fuck you. No, I won't he's like no, he will he will and his followers are like he explained it It's totally gonna happen that way What is that that's their their boss does the same thing to them.  He gives me a check. Yeah, he's supposed to give you a check That isn't making america great. That's just working. But before you I'm big I just I think I'm stumbling into something. Okay The people know we already have a fence by the way Everybody's scared of a wall We already kind of have a wall. Don't we do we don't we I don't know You just walked to mexico. I thought white men were supposed to know all of this Do we have a fence or a wall? Again, I apologize for for kevin.  I mean the 99 percent The 99 percent of the to run these ideas By them before you introduce Them to the general pot. Yes. We just haven't figured out a way how to do that. How do we do it? Snapchat. Yeah. I mean there are enough like, you know, wb shows, right?  Okay. I gotta be clear in your tweets. It really looks like you hate him It's it's it's not coming across.  He's the frankenstein that these guys created. He's saying Either what the republicans believe Or what they feel and then articulating what they're not allowed to say steven king also Said he liked that horrible movie the witch. So okay, thank you for what it's worth Did you not like the witch? I despise he doesn't know he sees all the movies and 90 percent of them happen to be bad I've not seen that one. I've heard it's very good. I love what I love women, but there's only like 10 awesome ones Thanks, Keith.  Yes, there's only a couple I forgot what we're talking about. Uh, katelyn Jenner, uh, donald trump being fun to be president Miley Cyrus. Oh trump.   I would I would like chicken. The password is Chicken. I love that show the chicken hawks have come home to roost in the republican party. That's the point Tweet that he's comedy royalty by the way I know he's pointing at my Jew. He's my man. Tell tell me how you started in the business. Say how you're famous Tell him why you're the best. No, tell him the I'll email everyone my resume Just send me your email He has a television pedigree Tell them your first job in television. You watch the west wing. Of course. No, tell him you were You were the hallway. No, I was an NBC page. He was an NBC page That is television royalty explain why it's television royalties because you get the suer uniform What color was the suit yellow blue blue jacket gray pants Peacock peacock tie nice And uh, you give uh, the studio tours right and at that time it was cone and rosie s and l Do you let what do you pick line with stone phillips? Did you make up facts? Were you like? Well, I this is what they You know, this is a true story, uh You come in and there's like tried and true like passed down sort of like jokes and stuff that everybody makes that You learn from the page that trained you I was so disgusted with the the jokes that me and another buddy of mine Who came in sort of at the same time we rewrote the whole thing that's funny and we put in our all all new All new material that's great. What's what's one of your faves? Oh, man? I don't I mean we used to go in time. I have a joke, but I'm gonna wait and then It should be noted that I had something did not interrupt I do have something that I'm trying to shoehorn into his I'm the rapper. I just I just wanted to point out that I'm being polite. You're very sure. Yes That I could interrupt you right now with a joke that I could shoehorn in but I'm gonna wait to the end And then it's just gonna seem like It's just gonna be a witness I'll just tell you we used to go in nightly news And bring this the tour in and you'd have tom brokaw's desk there and there'd always be his mug on the desk And in the tour you'd be like and this this is where tom brokaw sits is where he does the news This is his mug and you'd lift it up and you'd be like this is where he drinks his water. Whoa, that's not water And like you would kill is that one that you guys wrote that's a new one. Yeah Is that handed down? It's not new anymore Is that a joke that's handed down because like no that was one that we started doing Do you remember any of the bad ones they gave you? Oh, I mean, I don't not really but they were pretty bad You know, it was a date. I do not drink from that cup tom brokaw is a drunk Tom brokaw has A problem I was going to say don't drink from that cup.  It's so inconvenient It's the worst. Did you see their joke isn't funny to them Get out. So you're not allowed. Did you see the swastikas? No, you you asked me that before I knew I know nothing about this What but you're the holocaust guy swastikas in rockerfiller center on the beams, correct? Yes. You told me about this This is amazing. I don't know. This is not why did I teach you? Please tell the nice people tell the people.  You can see the vein in his head. Yeah. Yeah I I understand that when you are, you know in a group, right, you're doing great and I'm just I'm holding back You're one of the guys. I have one. Tell him about the swastikas. I don't know. You know about the swastikas When was rockerfiller center built 1920 nazi It in the in the 20s, right in the late 20s early 30s And I forget the fact that you told me last time and the steel came from Jew skin No, it came from nazi germany nazi steel nazi steel It is still the best steel. I mean Pittsburgh can't come up with Hitler did one thing. Well, it was steel manufacturers. He did there were two things Steel manufacturing and the other thing he got the annihilation of no, he got one thing, right? My uncle mitch He just why that's funny. Uh-huh. My uncle Hitler got one thing right about my uncle mitch. My uncle mitch was an a-hole The nazi it was built with nazis. Yeah, we get it uncle mitch. Yeah, he's rest in peace. Yeah, that's amazing But uh, let me just tell you one if you just stretch it a little bit here, uh His stand-up is like six hours long because he tells the joke and then makes sure everybody Well, this is second row. Okay. Okay more successful with podcasting than stand-up Because I get to explain why my jokes are funny Sometimes there's an after-show where you just explain everything the audience. I I I believe that the Cris Hardwick hosts it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, so no, but it was made with nazi steel He was going to tell it share the story It's just uh, you know, by the way go back to your story. I still have As a page used to work on all the shows It's so SNL, you know, whatever and all kinds of famous people would come see the show live And uh, you take them up and down in the elevator yet and uh, Monica Lewinsky was there to see the show I have another joke This is fertile. That's why I'm telling it and I was the one that I'm going down That's it. So I escorted her going down. She walks in the elevator. I'm the president of the united state I it took everything I had not to be like going down miss Lewinsky Oh, I'm sorry. You're all amazing. I'm sorry. That was your punch line. Yeah Oh But no, it's the obvious punch line, but I'm just saying I'm going to see if anybody was holding on to a joke I'm going to go around because Monica Lewinsky went down. There's a lot of young kids may not get this.  Yeah, sometimes and his figure at and cigar had to have it Yeah, so she blew him in in the Oval Office. Huh. Did that become a thing? Yeah, okay. Yeah, all the presidents are doing it. I'm gonna need uh, it's actually good fodder for beyond Taft got so much in turn. All right. By the way, you were uh, uh An NBC page. Yes. Yes, sir. Do you know why do you know why I'm I've been standing for the past show Was that because I was a congressional page That's the joke I was holding on to Does anybody get that I actually need the Yeah, now, you know what? I never thought I'd say this. Yeah, uh, David. I would like the explanation We'll go around and let me do the job properly. You were an NBC page The reason I've been standing throughout the entire show is I was a congressional page Yeah, it wasn't the way you said it Is it a filibuster joke? I'm but I'm a you get it. I don't get this joke at all and he's smarter than me There's one person listening who gets that joke. I don't think so. David, honestly I never I am that congressman from the mid mark mark foley. Yeah, I think this is the one time we can say that we All agree like in the whole world But I don't think there's one I really don't think it's your explanations Okay, if this was 12 years ago, you people would be laughing, right? How does it connect to mark foley though? Well, because I because I because they were Right, you know coming on to the male pages. Uh-huh. My juice on the cutting edge of this This is about to happen. This is what I like most about the david felman's show It's a master class in comedy, right? They should they should be paying tuition. Yeah, I've been writing frivolously All right, god, please explain the joke There was a male there's a congressional page Stand in front of class. Yeah, that's all I remember. I don't I'm good.  You gotta understand Barney frank is at home just dying Doubled over no, I was looking at it's my fault david. It's sophisticated humor. I was looking at like it's a regular joke Yeah, I was but it's it's a political humor.  Oh, that was the goby like goober. I eat them. I'm going green get it That's regular humor. Uh-huh not political All right, we're gonna go around the room. Uh, what are your plans this week david feldman? Uh, I don't know. Okay. What am I planning? Uh, it's a clean up Clean out more. Yeah to get my life in order. Yeah, what's going on? What's the biggest problem with david feldman? We'll go around the room Uh, I just need to do you know get organized a lot of paperwork. Yeah, I got a lot of jokes lying around Do like an hour a day and then it's not overwhelming, right? Talk to me about that. Okay. So an hour a day you do it and then it's not overwhelming Explain that to me, okay What did I tell you two years ago about an hour a day? Go david Tell me. All right. You just take a little time. You set aside time. He doesn't know what time is Oh, it's right. That's the problem. Okay. So you show up time is that thing like Assume you're going to show up 10 minutes late to setting an hour aside But just start your hour then So, you know, so you'll still have an hour whenever you start So then you start and then you go, all right now I'm organizing this joke goes in this file This joke goes in this folder blah blah blah, right then another hour I'm writing my new jokes because your head's always spinning. You know how you get and you type those out Whatever you do and you go, okay. That is two solid hours of work that I did now. I can go do whatever I do I understand you have hulu good for you. You can watch some of that I'm not trying to lord that over you by the way It was interesting. It was a humble brag. Let's get planning on sharing the password with us quiet I watch it without commercials. Anyway, I need a hulu password I got you buddy. Tell me how to organize. Just give me your drew jokes. What seriously organizing one's life because We are it's over life is overwhelming. Get an assistant. Get an assistant. It's not happening for you You do need an assistant. No joke. Get one get an intern male We've heard about you. I wanted how do you because you guys turn out five shows a week Yeah But that that's a job. So you have to show up to your job, right?  You know what I mean? How do you organize? Tell me how you organize your day. How do we organize our day henda? Uh, I think alex is trying to get into it. How do we organize our day? That's their business. Don't worry about it Oh, alex. Who knows what they do. This is what they do. They talk to each other through a window Like nobody's listening at home. I'm being told we need to wrap it up. Okay. Okay the way we organize it When our producer tells us to wrap it up, we do it Then we go that time was allotted for that So let's finish up. So it's been a great time. My name is henda. I'm from keith and the girl How do we organize? We set a time to meet every day and we meet at that time and then we set up meeting times We we were doing once a week with uh My brother and maricela his wife because that's who was um, they do tech stuff. Yeah, and then we have an associate producer Who's there every day? Um, it's like a job. We go into work at least eight hours five days a week. You need an assistant Okay So get one wrap up the show. Okay.  David shulman was with us I'm keith mallie from keith and the girl. This is a henda from keith and the girl. We just celebrated 11 years. We're very excited Take a look see what's doing at keith and the girl.com. Uh, I have uh, 17 more jokes to tell you But just make sure everybody knows about keith and the girl do a serious keith and the girl is a uh, that's honestly as serious as I can get Go to keith and the girl. Uh, keith and the girl.com. You'll see what's going on right there. Um, there's a subscribe to your podcast It's amazing. Yeah, we're an itunes sound cloud everywhere that you can find podcasting if you just google keith and the girl You can find us keith and the girl.com keith and the girl.com slash itunes if you want there is no podcast I was just thinking about this on the way here on the y with uh more shows than we have More episodes more episodes not one how many how many episodes do you have over 2,300?  Okay.  I'm catching up. That's why we have to go to work tomorrow Just to keep david It really and that's why we do this. I told dad go david you keep us going. He goes really and then I don't explain it And you're to make sure your second best and your book I would oh Keith wrote three we co-wrote two of those together We have what do we do now and we also have the ultimate podcasting guide and Keith wrote his autobiography Which is called the great american novel and one was that one? About Four or five years ago. Yeah about that Probably six and how would I read your autobiography? Where would I get not only can you uh get it from keith and the girl.com Slash store. You can also download the audio version at hulu at hulu prime No audible that would be audible He is on audible the our uh audio books are on audible and keith's latest two specials are on hulu.com You could just uh search for keith malley and now I know who has hulu And when I ask how was my special is your special months from now? Yeah, the last two wait a second Wait a second your specials on hulu. Yeah, and what are the two titles? God made me volumes one and two. I do a stand-up show every year.    We're dating at the time. I was like, let's go April holding onto a joke. So this is holding on to a joke So this I'm holding out. I have a joke. I have been polite mommy. I'm being polite So april 15th will be the 13th one.  Let's start with david felton.  You were born on april 15th That must have been the very taxing day for your Nobody's even writing these for you. That's what's amazing about you A joke. A joke. Mommy I made a duty. I did that.  I'm h&r blocking him That's my guy. What I write you something.   Hey, no, no, no, it's not buddy. That's why david brought none of you When I send jokes to people right sometimes the headline will be look mommy. I made a duty My juice my juice made a joke. I swear to god, but I couldn't read it in the tax brackets Mommy, I didn't hear these funny Look at my duty mommy Julia you laughing at my last joke that I pretended you said W nine more minutes of Tax jokes. Oh my god. The the owner of the studio is getting pissed off at us. All right May I say david felton? Yes, you love you. I do And it's always fun to be here I love myself too. So it's a mutual admiration society here Let's plug some gigs No gigs just ang gold on twitter at ang gold ang e g o l d. Okay Now he said it. He said it shy, but uh, make sure you go and that he gets more tweets than this gentleman, please Hey, uh, this is my jew. Hey attention.  Good luck spelling that All right, uh, and then I'm gonna give you our traditional sign-off that you have to do as the host But I just want to remind people to subscribe for five dollars a month to our premium content I would like to remind people that they have spent five dollars on lesser things in their life When was the last time you went to starbucks dear listener? Was that a five dollar coffee five dollars funds this man's life Can you imagine? So why don't you adopt yourself a david feldman for five bucks on the website? What's the website? david feldman show.com and do all your amazon shopping via our site So the sign-off is right right this end Uh, that'll do it for us. That'll do it for us From the show brisk studios from the show brisk studios in downtown manhattan downtown manhattan. Mommy. I made a duty. Mommy I made a duty. Can you come here and look at it? Can you come here and look at it? Did I do well? Did I do well? Do you love me mommy? Do you love me mommy? Look at my duty mommy. What can my duty? Oh, that's a really good duty That's really nice. Yay. Mommy likes me. I made a duty yesterday, but I wasn't as big So I'm kind of working on it, but I'm getting bigger because I'm eating really good So I I went queen. That's so good.


An 80-year-old Peers man is hospitalized following a tractor accident at a farm just north of Peers. The Morrison County Sheriff's Office's Robert Hapke was standing on a mixer when the tractor started to move, causing him to fall off. Hapke was then run over by the tractor. The incident happened yesterday around 10.15 in the morning about four miles north of Peers. Hapke was transported to St. Gabriel's Hospital by ambulance and later airlifted to St. Cloud Hospital, where his condition is not known. If you've enjoyed this segment of Lakeland News, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to Lakeland Public Television.