This is a LibriVox recording. Man Alive by G. K. Chesterton. Section 1. Part 1. The Enigmas of Innocence Smith. Chapter 1. How the Great Wind Came to Beacon House. Part 1. A wind sprang high in the west, like a wave of unreasonable happiness, and tore eastward across England, trailing with it the frosty scent of forests and the cold intoxication of the sea. In a million holes and corners it refreshed a man like a flagon, and astonished him like a blow. In the inmost chambers of intricate and empowered houses it woke like a domestic explosion, littering the floor with some professors' papers till they seemed as precious as fugitive, or blowing out the candle by which a boy reads Treasure Island, and wrapping him in a roaring dark. But everywhere it bore drama into undramatic lives and carried the trump of crisis across the world. Many a harassed mother in a mean backyard had looked at five dwarfish shirts on the clothesline as had some small, sick tragedy. It was as if she had hanged her five children. The wind came, and they were full and kicking as if five fat imps had sprung into them. And far down in her repressed subconscious she half remembered those coarse comedies of her fathers when the elves still dwelt in the homes of then. Many an unnoticed girl in a dank walled garden had tossed herself into the hammock with the same intolerant gesture with which she might have tossed herself into the thames. And that wind rent the waving wall of woods and lifted the hammock like a balloon and showed her shapes of quaint clouds far beyond, and pictures of bright villages far below, as if she rode heaven in a ferry boat. Many a dusty cleric, or cleric, blotting a telescopic road of poplars, thought for the hundredth time that they were like the plumes of a hearse when this invisible energy caught and swung and clashed them round his head like a wreath of salutation of seraphic wings. There was in it something more than inspired and authoritative, even than the old wind of the proverb. This was the good wind that blows nobody harm. The flying blast struck London, just where it scales the northern heights. Terrace above terrace as precipitous as Edinburgh. It was round about this place that some poet, probably drunk, looked up astonished at all those streets gone skywards and thinking vaguely of glaciers and roped mountaineers, gave it the name of Swiss cottage, which it has never been able to shake off. At some stage of those heights a terrace of tall grey houses, mostly empty and almost as desolate as the Grampians, curved round at the western end, so that at the last building a boarding establishment called Beacon House offered abruptly to the sunset its high, narrow and towering termination, like the prow of some deserted ship. The ship, however, was not wholly deserted. The propriety of the boarding house of Mrs. Duke was one of those helpless persons, against whom fate wars in vain. She smiled vaguely both before and after all her calamities. She was too soft to be hurt. But by the aid or rather under the orders of a strenuous niece she always kept the remains of a clientele, mostly of young but listless folks. And there were actually five inmates standing disconsolently about the garden when the great Gale broke at the base of the terminal tower behind them as the sea burst against the base of an outstanding cliff. All day that hill of houses over London had been domed and sealed up with cold cloud. Yet three men and two girls had at last found even the grey and chilly garden more tolerable than the black and cheerless interior. When the wind came it split the sky and shouldered the cloudland left and right, unbarring great clear furnaces of evening gold. The burst of light released and burst of air blowing seemed to come almost simultaneously, and the wind especially caught everything in a throttling violence. The bright short grass lay all one way like a brushed hair. Every shrub in the garden tugged at its roots like a dog at the collar and strained every leaping leaf after the hunting and exterminating element. Now and again a twig would snap and fly like a bolt from an arbolist. The three men stood stiffly and a slant against the wind as if leaning against a wall. The two ladies disappeared into the house. Rather to speak truly they were blown into the house. Their two frocks blue and white looked like two big broken flowers driving and drifting upon the Gale. Nor is such a poetic fancy inappropriate. Therefore there was something oddly romantic about this inrush of air and light after a long, leaden, and unlifting day. Grass and garden trees seemed glittering with something at once good and unnatural, like a fire from fairyland. It seemed like a strange sunrise, the wrong end of the day. The girl in white dived in quickly enough for she wore a white hat of the proportions of a parachute which might have wafted her away into the color clouds of the evening. She was there one splash of splendor and irradiated wealth in that impicunious place, staying there temporarily with a friend, an eras in a small way, by name Rosamund Hunt. Brown eyed, round-faced, but resolute and rather boisterous. On top of her wealth she was good-humored and rather good-looking, but she had not married, perhaps because there was always a crowd of men around her. She was not fast, though some might have called her bulger, but she gave irresolute youths an impression of being at once popular and inaccessible. A man felt as if he had fallen in love with Cleopatra, or as if he were asking for a great actress at the stage door. Indeed some theatrical spangles seemed to cling about, Miss Hunt. She played the guitar and the mandolin. She always wandered charades, and with that great rending of the sky by sun and storm she felt a girlish melodrama swell within her. To the crashing orchestration of the air the clouds rose like the curtain of some long-expected pantomime. Nor oddly was the girl in blue entirely unimpressed by this apocalypse in a private garden, though she was one of the most prosaic and practical creatures alive. She was, indeed, no other than the strenuous niece whose strength the blown upheld that mansion of decay. But as the gale swung and swelled the blue and white skirts till they took on the monstrous contours of Victorian crinolines, a sunken memory stirred in her that was almost romance, a memory of a dusty volume of punch in an aunt's house in infancy, pictures of crinoline hoops and croquet hoops and some pretty story of which perhaps they were apart. This half-perceptible fragrance in her thoughts faded almost instantly, and Diana Duke entered the house even more promptly than her companion. Tall, slim, equiline, and dark she seemed made for such swiftness. In body she was of the breed of those birds and beasts that are at once long and alert like gray hounds or herons or even like an innocent snake. The whole house revolved on her as on a rod of steel. She would be wrong to say that she commanded, for her own efficiency was so impatient that she obeyed herself before anyone else obeyed her. Before electricians could mend a bell or locksmiths open a door. Before dentists could pluck a tooth or butlers draw a tight cork. It was done already with the silent violence of her slim hands. She was light, but there was nothing leaping about her lightness. She spurned the ground, and she meant to spurn it. People talk of the pathos and failure of plain women, but it is a more terrible thing that a beautiful woman may succeed in everything but womanhood.  The young woman in blue made no reply and put away her gardening gloves, and then went to the sideboard and began to spread out an afternoon cloth for tea.  Only your hat, I think, said Diana Duke, but I daresay that is sometimes more important. Rosamond's face showed for an instant the offence of a spoiled child and then the humor of a very healthy person.  It was another silence, and the sunset breaking more and more from the sundering clouds filled the room with soft fire and painted the dull walls with ruby and gold. Somebody once told me, said Rosamond Hunt, that it's easier to keep one's head when one has lost one's heart. Oh, don't talk, said rubbish, said Diana, with savage sharpness. Outside the garden was clad in a golden splendor, but the wind was still stiffly blowing, and the three men who stood their ground might also have considered the problem of hats and heads. And indeed their position, touching hats, was somewhat typical of them. The tallest of the three abode the blast than a high silk hat, which the wind seemed to charge, jazz vainly, as that other sullen tower, the house behind him. The second man tried to hold on a stiff straw hat at all angles and ultimately held it in his hand. The third had no hat, and by his attitude seemed never to have had one in his life. Perhaps this wind was a kind of fairy wand to test men and women, for there was much of the three men in this difference. The man in the solid silk hat was the embodiness of silkiness and solidity. He was a big, bland, bored, and, as some said, boring man, with flat, fair hair and handsome, heavy features, a prosperous young doctor by the name of Warner.  If Rosamond Haunt was the only person there with much money, he was the only person who had as yet found any kind of fame. His treatise on the probable existence of pain in the lowest organisms had been universally hailed by the scientific world as had once solid and daring. In short, he undoubtedly had brains, and perhaps it was not his fault if they were the kind of brains that most men desired to analyze with a poker. The young man who put his hat off and on was a scientific amateur in a small way, and worshipped the great Warner with a solemn freshness. It was, in fact, at his invitation that the distinguished doctor was present. For Warner lived in no such ramshackle lodging-house, but in a professional palace in Harley Street. This young man was really the youngest and best looking of the three, but he was one of those persons, both male and female, who seemed doomed to be good-looking and insignificant. Brown-haired, high-colored and shy, he seemed to lose the delicacy of his features in a sort of blur of brown and red as he stood blushing and blinking against the wind. He was one of those obvious, unnoticeable people. Everyone knew that he was Arthur Englewood, unmarried, moral, decidedly intelligent, living on little money of his own and hiding himself in the two hobbies of photography and cycling. Everybody knew him and forgot him. Even as he stood there in the glare of the golden sunset there was something about him indistinct, like one of his own red-brown amateur photographs. The third man had no hat. He was lean, in light, vaguely sporting clothes, and the large pipe in his mouth made him look all the leaner. He had a long, ironical face, blue-black hair, the eyes of an Irishman, and the blue chin of an actor. An Irishman he was, an actor he was not, except in the olden days of Miss Hunt's charades, being, as a matter of fact, an obscure and flippant journalist named Michael Moon. He had once been hazily supposed to be reading for the bar, but, as Warner would say with his rather elephantine wit, it was mostly at another kind of bar that his friends found him. Moon, however, did not drink, nor even frequently get drunk. He simply was a gentleman who liked low company. This was partly because company is quieter than society, and if he enjoyed talking to a barmaid, as apparently he did, it was chiefly because the barmaid did the talking. Moreover, he would often bring other talent to a sister. He shared that strange trick of all men of his type, intellectual and without ambition, the trick of going about with his mental inferiors. There was a small, resilient Jew named Moses Gould in the same boarding-house, a man whose negro vitality and vulgarity amused Michael so much that he went round with him from bar to bar like the owner of a performing monkey. The colossal clearance which the wind had made of that cloudy sky grew clearer and clearer. Chamber within chamber seemed to open in heaven. One felt one might at last find something lighter than light. In the fullness of the silent effulgence, all things collected their colors again. The gray trunks turned silver and the drab gravel gold. One bird fluttered like a loosened leaf from one tree to another, and his brown feathers were brushed with fire. Inglewood said Michael Moon, with his blue eyes on the bird. Have you any friends? Dr. Warner mistook the person addressed and, turning abroad, beaming face, said, Oh yes, I go out a great deal. Michael Moon gave a tragic grin and waited for his real informant who spoke a moment after in a voice curiously cool, fresh, and young as coming out of that brown and even dusty interior. Really, answered Inglewood, I am afraid I have lost touch with my old friends. The greatest friend I ever had was at school, a fellow named Smith. It's odd you should mention it because I was thinking of him today though I haven't seen him for seven or eight years. He was on the science side with me at school, a clever fellow, so queer, and he often went up to Oxford when I went to Germany. The fact is it's rather a sad story. I often asked him to come and see me, and when I heard nothing I made inquiries, you know.  The accounts were big cloudy, of course, some saying that he had recovered again, but they always say that. About a year ago I got a telegram from him myself. The telegram I am sorry to say put the matter beyond a doubt. Man Alive by G. K. Chesterton Section 2 Part 1 The Enigmas of Innocent Smith Chapter 1 How the Great Wind Came to Beacon House Part 2 Quite so, assented Dr. Warner stolidly, insanity is generally incurable. So is sanity, said the Irishman, and studied him with a dreary eye. Mrs. asked the doctor, what was this telegram? It's a shame to joke about such things, said Inglewood, in his honest, embarrassed way. The telegram was Smith's illness, not Smith. The actual words were, Man Found Alive with Two Legs, Alive with Two Legs, repeated Michael Frowning. Perhaps a version of Alive and Kicking? I don't know much about people out of their senses, but I suppose they ought to be kicking. And people in their senses asked Dr. Warner, smiling. Oh, they ought to be kicked, said Michael, with a sudden heartiness. The message is clearly insane, continued the impenetrable Warner. The best test is a reference to the undeveloped normal type. Even a baby does not expect to find a man with three legs. Three legs, said Michael Moon, would be very convenient in this wind. A fresh eruption of the atmosphere had indeed almost thrown them off their balance, and broken the blackened trees in the garden beyond. All sorts of accidental objects could be seen scouring the wind-scoured sky. Straws, sticks, rags, papers, and, in the distance, a disappearing hat. Its disappearance, however, was not final. After an interval of minutes they saw it again much larger and closer, like a white Panama towering up into the heavens, like a balloon staggering to and fro for an instant, like a stricken kite. And then settling in the center of their own lawn as falteringly as a dead leaf. Somebody's lost a good hat, said Dr. Warner shortly. Almost as he spoke, another object came over the garden wall, flying after the fluttering Panama. It was a big green umbrella. After that came hurtling a huge yellow Gladstone bag, and after that a figure like a flying wheel of legs as in the shield of the Isle of Man. But though for a flash it seemed to have five or six legs, it alighted upon two, like the man in the queer telegram. It took the form of a large, light-haired man in gay green holiday clothes.  His head, however, was by no means cherubic in the sense of being without a body. On the contrary, on his vast shoulders and shape generally gigantic-esque, his head looked oddly and unnaturally small.  Bingo would had a politeness, instinctive and yet awkward.  He was stepping forward to recover the green gentleman's headgear when he was struck rigid with a roar like a bull's. God's sportsman-like bellowed the big man. Give it fair play, give it fair play. And he came after his own hat quickly, but cautiously with burning eyes. The hat had seemed at first to droop and dawdle, as in ostentatious linger on the sunny lawn. But the wind again freshened and rising, yet went dancing down the garden with the devoury of a padi-quattre. The eccentric went bounding after it with kangaroo leaps and bursts of breathless speech, of which it was not always easy to pick up the thread. Fair play, fair play. Sportive kings chased their crowns quite humane. Traumantana, cardinals, chased red hats, old English hunting, started a hat in Brambercum, had at bay, mangletowns, got him. As the wind rose out of a roar into a shriek, he leapt into the sky on his strong, fantastic leg, snatched at the vanishing hat, missed it, and pitch sprawling face foremost on the grass. The hat rose over him like a bird in triumph, but its triumph was premature. For the lunatic flung upward on his hands, threw up his boots behind, waved his two legs in the air-like symbolic ensigns, so that they actually thought again of the telegram, and actually caught the hat with his feet. A prolonged and piercing yell of wind split the welcome from end to end. The eyes of all the men were blinded by the invisible blast as by a strange, clear, cataract of transparency rushing between them, and all objects about them.  While that tall wind was at the top of its sky scraping energy, another short cry was heard, beginning very queerless, but ending very quick, swallowed in abrupt silence. The shiny black cylinder of Dr. Warner's official hat sailed off his head in the long, smooth parabola of an airship, and in almost cresting a garden tree was caught in the topmost branches. Another hat was gone. Others in that garden felt themselves caught in an unaccustomed eddy of things happening. No one seemed to know what would blow away next. Before they could speculate, the cheering and hallowing hat hunter was already halfway up the tree, swinging himself from fork to fork with his strong, bent grasshopper legs and still giving forth his gasping, mysterious comments. Tree of Life, Yad Razil, Climb for centuries perhaps, Owl's nesting in a hat, remotest generation of owls, still you serpers. Gone to heaven, man in the moon wears it. Brigand, not yours, belongs to depressed medical man in garden. Give it up, give it up. The tree swung and swept and thrashed to and fro in the thundering wind like a thistle, and flamed in the full sunshine like a bonfire. The green, fantastic human figure vivid against its autumn, red, and gold was already among its highest and craziest branches, which by bare luck did not break with the weight of his big body. He was up there among the last tossing leaves and the first twinkling stars of evening. Still talking to himself cheerfully, reasoningly, half apologetically in little gasps, he might well be out of breath for his whole preposterous raid had gone with one rush.  The other three men seemed buried under incident piled on incident a wild world where one thing began before another thing left off. All three had the first thought. The tree had been there for the five years they had known the boarding house. Each one of them was active and strong. No one of them had even thought of climbing it. And that Inglewood felt first the mere fact of color. The bright brisk leaves, the bleak blue sky, the wild green arms and legs reminded him irrationally of something glowing in his infancy, something akin to a gaudy man on a golden tree. Perhaps it was only a painted monkey on a stick. Oddly enough, Michael Moon, though more of a humorous, was touched on a tenderer nerve. He remembered the old young theatricals with Rosamond and was amused to find himself almost quoting Shakespeare. Poor Valor is not a love Hercules still climbing trees in the Hesperides. Even the immovable man of science had a bright to be wielded sensation that the time machine had given a great jerk and gone forward with a rather rattling rapidity. He was not, however, wholly prepared for what happened next. The manning green, riding the frail topmost bow like a witch on a very risky broomstick, reached up and rent the black hat from its airy nest of twigs. It had been broken across a heavy bow in the first burst of its passage. A tangle of branches had torn and scored and scratched it in every direction. A clap of wind and foliage had flattened it like a concertina. Nor can it be said that the obliging gentleman with a sharp nose showed any adequate tenderness for its structure. He finally unhooked it from its place. When he had found it, however, his proceedings were by some, counted singular. He waved it with a loud whoop of triumph and then immediately appeared to fall backwards off the tree. To which, however, he remained attached by his long, strong legs like a monkey, swung by his tail. Hanging thus head downward above the unhelmeted warner, he gravely proceeded to drop the battered silk cylinder upon his brows. Every man a king explained the inverted philosopher. Every hat consequently a crown. But this is a crown of heaven. And he again attempted the coronation of warner who, however, moved away with great abruptness from the hovering diadem, not seeming strangely enough to wish for his former decoration in its present state. Wrong, wrong, cried the obliging person hilariously. Always wear a uniform, even if it's a shabby uniform. Ritualist may always be entidy. Go to a dance with Sothanya's shirt front, but go with a shirt front. Huntsman wears old coat, but old pink coat. Wear a topper, even if it's got no top.   This nap rubbed all off by the bark, dears, and its brim not the least bit curled, but for old's sake's sake. It is still, dears, the knobbiest tile in the world. Speaking thus with wild comfortableness, he settled or smashed the shapeless silk hat over the face of the disturbed physician, and fell on his feet among the other men. Still talking, beaming, and breathless. Why don't they make more games out of the wind? He asked in some excitement. Games are all right, but why should it only be kites? I thought of three other games for a windy day while I was climbing that tree. Here's one of them. You take a lot of pepper, I think, in Pose Moon with sardonic mildness, that your games are already sufficiently interesting. Are you, may I ask, a professional acrobat on tour, or a traveling advertisement of Sunny Jim? How and why do you display all this energy for clearing walls and climbing trees in our melancholy but at least rational suburbs? The stranger, so far as so loud a person was capable of it, appeared to grow confidential. Well, it's a trick of my own, he confessed candidly. I do it by having two legs. Arthur Englewood, who had shrunk into the background of this scene of folly, started and stared at the newcomer.  Why, I believe you're Smith, he cried with his fresh, almost voyage voice, and then, after an instant stare, and yet I'm not sure. I have a card, I think, said the unknown, with a baffling solemnity, a card with my real name, my title's offices, and true purpose on this earth. He drew out slowly from an upper waist-coast pocket a scarlet card case, and has slowly produced a very large card. Even in the instant of its production they fancied it was of a queer shape, unlike the card of ordinary gentlemen. But it was there only for an instant, for as it passed from his fingers to Arthur's, one or another slipped his hold. The strident, tearing gale in that garden carried away the stranger's card to join the wild wastepaper of the universe, and that great western wind shook the whole house and passed. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Man Alive by G. K. Chesterton Part 1 The Enigmas of Innocent Smith Chapter 2 The Luggage of an Optimist Part 1 We all remember the fairy tales of science in our infancy, which played with the supposition that large animals could jump in proportion of small ones. If an elephant were as strong as a grasshopper, he could, I suppose, bring clean out of the zoological gardens and a light trumpeting upon Primrose Hill. Of a whale could leap from the sea like a trout, perhaps men might look up and see one soaring above Yarmouth like the winged island of Lupoda. Such natural energy, though sublime, might certainly be inconvenient, and much of this inconvenience attended the gaiety and good intentions of the man in green. Because he was lively, as well as large, by a fortunate physical provision, most very substantial creatures are also reposeful, and middle-class boarding houses in the lesser parts of London are not built for a man as big as a bull and as excitable as a kitten. When Englewood followed the stranger into the boarding house, he found him talking earnestly and in his own opinion privately to the helpless Mrs. Duke. That fat, faint lady could only goggle up like a dying fish at the enormous new gentleman who politely offered himself as a lodger, with vast gestures of the wide white hat in one hand and the yellow Gladstone bag in the other. Fortunately, Mrs. Duke's more efficient niece and partner was there to complete the contrast, for indeed all the people of the house had somehow collected in the room. This fact, in truth, was typical of the whole episode. The visitor created an atmosphere of comic crisis, and from the time he came into the house, to the time he left it, he somehow got the company to gather, and even follow, though in derision, as children gather and follow a punch in duty. An hour ago, and for four years previously, these people had avoided each other even when they had really liked each other. They had slid in and out of dismal and deserted rooms in search of particular newspapers or private needlework. Even now they all came casually, as with varying interests, but they all came. There was the embarrassed Inglewood, still a sort of red shadow. There was the unembarrassed warner, a pallid but solid substance. There was Michael Moon offering, like a riddle, the contrast of the horsey crudeness of his clothes and the sombre sagacity of his visage. He was now joined by his yet more comic crony, Moses Gould, swaggering on short legs with prosperous purple tie.  There was Miss Rosamond Hunt, still with the fine white hat framing her square, good looking face, and still with her native air of being dressed for some party that never came off. She, also, like Mr. Moon, had a new companion, new so far as this narrative goes, but in reality an old friend and a protege. This was a slight young woman in dark gray, and in no way notable but for a load of dull red hair of which the shape somehow gave her pale face, that triangular, almost peaked appearance which was given by the lowering headdress and deep, rich ruff of the Elizabethan beauties. Her surname seemed to be gray, and Miss Hunt called her Mary, in that indescribable tone applied to a dependent who has practically become a friend. She wore a small silver cross on her very business-like gray clothes and was the only member of the party who went to church.  As for Mrs. Duke, she smiled up at him, but never dreamed of listening to him. She had never really listened to anyone in her life, which some said was why she had survived. Nevertheless Mrs. Duke was pleased with her new guest's concentration of courtesy upon herself, for no one ever spoke seriously to her any more than she listened seriously to anyone. And she almost beamed as the stranger with yet wider and far almost swirling gestures of explanation, with his huge hat and bag, apologized for having entered by the wall instead of the front door. He was understood to put it down to an unfortunate family tradition of neatness and care of his clothes. My mother was rather strict about her to tell the truth, he said, lowering his voice to Mrs. Duke. She never liked me to lose my cap at school. And when a man's been taught to be tidy and neat, it sticks to him. Mrs. Duke weakly gasped that she was sure he must have had a good mother, but her niece seemed inclined to probe the matter further. You've got a funny idea of neatness, she said, if it's of jumping garden walls and clambering up garden trees. A man can't very well climb a tree tidally. He can clear a wall neatly, said Michael Moon. I saw him do it. Smith seemed to be regarding a girl with genuine astonishment. My dear young lady, he said, I was tidying the tree. You don't want last year's hats there, do you? Any more than last year's leaves? The wind takes off the leaves, but it couldn't manage the hat. That wind, I suppose, has tidied the whole forest today. Rum idea this is, that tidiness is a timid quiet sort of thing. Why, tidiness is a toil for giants. You can't tidy up anything without untidying yourself. Look at my trousers. Don't you know that? Haven't you ever had a spring cleaning? Oh, yes, sir, said Mrs. Duke, almost eagerly. You'll find everything of that sort quite nice. For the first time, she had heard two words that she could understand. Miss Diana Duke seemed to be studying the stranger with a sort of spasm of calculation. Then her black eyes snapped with decision, and she said that he could have a particular bedroom on the top floor if he liked. And the silent and sensitive Inglewood, who had been on the rack through these cross-purposes, eagerly offered to show him up to the room. Smith went up to the stairs for a time, and when he bumped his head against the ultimate ceiling, Inglewood had an odd sensation that the tall house was much shorter than it used to be. Arthur Inglewood followed his old friend, or his new friend, for he did not very clearly know which he was. The face looked very like his old school fellow at one second, and very unlike at another. And when Inglewood broke through the native politeness so far as to say suddenly, is your name Smith? He received only the unenlightening reply. Quite right, quite right, very good, excellent. Which appeared to Inglewood on reflection rather the speech of a newborn babe accepting a name than of a grown-up man admitting one. Despite these doubts about identity, the hapless Inglewood watched the other unpack. And soon, about his bedroom, in all the important attitudes of the male friend, Mr. Smith unpacked with the same kind of whirling accuracy with which he climbed a tree, throwing things out of his bag as if they were rubbish, yet managing to distribute quite a regular pattern all round him on the floor. As he did so, he continued to talk in the same, somewhat gasping manner. He had come upstairs four steps at a time, but even without this his style of speech was breathless and fragmentary. And his remarks were still a string of more or less significant, but often separate pictures. Like the day of judgment, he said, throwing a bottle so that it somehow settled rocking on its right end. People say vast universe, infinity, and astronomy, not sure, I think things are too close together, packed up for traveling. Star's too close, really, why the sun's a star, too close to be seen properly, the earth's a star, too close to be seen at all. Too many pebbles on the beach, on all to be put in rings, too many blades of grass to study, feathers on a bird make the brain real, wait till the big bag is unpacked, may all be put in our right places then. Here he stopped literally for breath, throwing a shirt to the other end of the room and then a bottle of ink so that it fell quite neatly beyond it. Inglewood looked round on this strange, half symmetrical disorder with increasing doubt. In fact, the more one explored Mr. Smith's holiday luggage, the less one could make anything of it. One peculiarity of it was that almost everything seemed to be there for the wrong reason. What is secondary with everyone else was primary with him. He would wrap up a pot or a pan in brown paper and the unthinking assistant would discover that the pot was valueless or even unnecessary and that it was the brown paper that was truly precious. He produced two or three boxes of cigars and explained with plain and perplexing sincerity that he was no smoker, but that cigar box wood was by far the best for fret work. He also exhibited about six small bottles of wine, white and red, and Inglewood happening to know to Volnae which he knew to be excellent, supposed at first that the stranger was an epicure in vintages. He was therefore surprised to find that the next bottle was a vile sham claret from the colonies which even colonials, to do them justice, do not drink. It was only then that he observed that all six bottles had those bright metallic seals of various tints and seemed to have been chosen solely because they have the three primary and three secondary colors. Red, blue, and yellow, green, violet, and orange. There grew upon Inglewood an almost creepy sense of the real childlessness of this creature. Chris Smith was really so far as human psychology can be innocent. He had the sensualities of innocent. He loved the stickiness of gum and he cut white wood greedily as if he were cutting a cake. To this man, wine was not a doubtful thing to be defended or denounced. It was a quaintly colored syrup such as the child sees and a shop window. He talked dominantly and rushed the social situation but he was not asserting himself like a superman in a modern play. He was simply forgetting himself like a little boy at a party. He had somehow made the giants tried from babyhood to manhood and missed that crisis in youth when most of us grow old. As he shunted his big bag, Arthur observed the initials I, S printed on one side of it and remembered that Smith had been called Innocent Smith at school. Though whether as a formal Christian name or a moral description, he could not remember. He was just about to venture another question when there was a knock at the door and the short figure of Mr. Gould offered itself with the melancholy moon standing like his tall crooked shadow behind him. They had drifted up the stairs after the other two men with the wandering gregariousness of the male. Hope there's no intrusion said the Beaming Moses with a glow of good nature but not the arous tinge of apology. The truth is, said Michael Moon with a comparative courtesy, we thought we might see if they had made you comfortable. Miss Duke is rather, I know cried the stranger, looking up radiantly from his bag. Magnificent, isn't she? Go close to her, hear military music going by like Joan of Arc. Inkelfoot stared and stared at the speaker like one who has just heard a wild fairy tale which nevertheless contains one small and forgotten fact. For he remembered how he himself had thought of Joan of Arc years ago when hardly more than a schoolboy he had first come to the boarding house. Long since the pulverizing rationalism of his friend Dr. Warner had crushed such youthful ignorances and disproportionate dreams. Under the warnering and skepticism and science of hopeless human types Inkelwood had long come to regard himself as a timid, insufficient and weak type who would never marry, to regard Diana Duke as a materialistic maid-servant and to regard his first fancy for her as the small dull farce of a collegian kissing his landlady's daughter. And yet the phrase about military music moved him queery, as if he had heard those distant drums. End of part one. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Man Alive by G. K. Chesterton. Section four. Part one. The Enigmas of Innocent Smith. Chapter two. The Language of an Optimist. Part two. She has to keep things pretty tight as his only natural said moon, glancing round the rather dwarfish room with its wedge of slanted ceiling like the conical hood of a dwarf. Rather a small box for you, said the wagish Mr. Gould.  I love these pointed sort of rooms like Gothic. By the way, he cried out, pointing in a quite startling way, where does that door lead to? To certain death, I should say, answered Michael Moon, staring up at a dust-stained and disused trapped door in the sloping roof of the attic. I don't think there's a loft there, and I don't know what else it could lead to. Long before he had finished his sentence, the man with the strong green legs had leapt at the door in the ceiling, swung himself somehow onto the ledge beneath it, wrenched it open after a struggle, and clambered through it. For a moment they saw the two symbolic legs standing like a truncated statue, then they vanished. Through the hole thus burst in the roof appeared the empty and lucid sky of the evening, with one great many-colored cloud sailing across it, like a whole country upside down. Hello, you fellows, came the far cry of Innocent Smith, apparently from some remote pinnacle.  It's just the spot for a picnic. With the sudden impulse, Michael snatched two of the small bottles of wine, one in each solid fist, and Arthur Inglewood, as if mesmerized, groped for a biscuit tin and a big jar of ginger. The enormous hand of Innocent Smith, appearing through the aperture like a giant in a fairy tale, received these tributes and bore them off to the Eyrie. Then they both hoisted themselves out of the window. They were both athletic and even gymnastic. Inglewood threw his concern for hygiene, and Moon threw his concern for sport, which was not quite so idle and inactive as that of the average sportsman. Also they both had a light-headed burst of celestial sensation, when the door was burst in the roof as if a door had been burst in the sky, and they could climb out onto the very roof of the universe. They were both men who had long been unconsciously imprisoned in the common place, though one took it in comically and the other seriously. They were both men, nevertheless, in whom sentiment had never died.  When the singular smith astride of a chimney-pot learnt that Gould was not following his infantile officiousness and good nature, forced him to dive back into the attic to comfort or persuade. And Inglewood and Moon were left alone on the long gray-green ridge of the slate-roof, with their feet against gutters and their backs against chimney-pots, looking agnosticly at each other. The first feeling was that they had come out into eternity, and that eternity was very like topsy-turvydom. One definition occurred to both of them, that he had come out into the light of that lucid and radiant ignorance in which all beliefs had begun. The sky above them was full of mythology. Heaven seemed deep enough to hold all the gods. The round of the ether turned from green to yellow gradually, like a grate on ripe fruit. All round the sunken sun it was like a lemon. Round all the east it was the sort of golden green, more suggestive of a green gauge. But the whole had still the emptiness of daylight, and none of the secrecy of dusk. Tumbled here and there across his gold and pale green were shards and shattered masses of inky purple cloud, which seemed falling toward the earth in every kind of colossal perspective. One of them really had the character of some many-mighted, many-bearded, many-winged Assyrian image. Huge head downwards, hurled out of heaven, the sort of false Jehovah who was perhaps Satan. All the other clouds had preposterous, pinnacle shapes, as if the gods' palaces had been flung after him. And yet, while the empty heaven was full of silent catastrophe, the height of human buildings above, which they sat, held here and there a tiny, trivial noise that was the exact antithesis.  They could also hear talk out of the garden below, and realize that the irrepressible Smith must have followed ghoul downstairs, for his eager and pleading accents could be heard, followed by the half-humorous protests of Miss Duke, and the full and very youthful laughter of Rosamond Hunt. The air had that cold kindness that comes after a storm. Michael Moon drank it in with as serious a relish as he had drunk the little bottle of cheap plaerette, which he had emptied almost at a draught. Inglewood went on eating ginger very slowly and with a solemnity unfathomable as the sky above him. There was still stirrer in the freshness of the atmosphere to make them, almost fancy they could smell the garden soil, and the last roses of autumn. Suddenly there came from the darkening room a silvery ping and pong which told them that Rosamond had brought out the long neglected mandolin. After the first few notes there was more of the distant bell-like laughter. "'Inglewood,' said Michael Moon, "'have you ever heard that I am a black-guard?' "'I haven't heard it, and I don't believe it,' answered Inglewood, after an odd pause. But I have heard you were, what they call, rather wild. If you have heard that I am wild, you can contradict the rumour, said Moon, with an extraordinary calm. I am tame. I am quite tame. I am about the tamest beast that crawls. I drink too much of the same kind of whiskey at the same time every night. I even drink about the same amount too much. I go to the same number of public houses. I meet the same darned women with mauve faces. I hear the same number of dirty stories, generally the same dirty stories. You may assure my friends, Inglewood, that you see before you a person whom civilization has thoroughly tamed. Arthur Inglewood was staring with feelings that made him nearly fall off the roof. For indeed the Irishman's face, always sinister, was now almost demoniacal. Christ confounded cried out, Moon, suddenly clutching the empty clerid bottle. This is about the thinnest and filthiest wine I ever uncorked, and it's the only drink I have really enjoyed for nine years. I was never wild till ten minutes ago. And he sent the bottle whizzing, a wheel of glass far away beyond the garden, into the road, where in the profound evening silence they could even hear it break and part upon the stones. Moon said Arthur Inglewood rather huskily, you mustn't be so bitter about it. Everyone has to take the world as he finds it. Of course, one often finds it a bit dull. That fellow doesn't, said Michael decisively, I mean that fellow Smith. I have a sort of fancy there's some method in his madness. It looks as if he could turn into a sort of wonderland at any minute by taking one step out on the plain road. Who would have thought of that trapdoor? Who would have thought that this cursed colonial clerid could taste quite nice among the chimney pots? Perhaps that's the real key of fairyland.  Perhaps Mrs. Duke's cold leg of mutton would seem quite appetizing at the top of a tree.  Don't be so rough on yourself, said Inglewood, in serious distress. The dullness isn't your fault or the whiskeys. Fellows who don't, fellows like me, I mean, have just that same feeling that it's all rather flat and a failure. But the world's made like that. It's all survival. Some people are made to get on like Warner, and some people are made to stick quiet, like me. You can't help your temperament. I know you're much cleverer than I am, but you can't help having all those loose ways of a poor literary chap. And I can't help having all the doubts and helplessness of a small scientific chap. Anymore than a fish can help floating, or a fern can help curling up. Humanity, as Warner said so well in that lecture, really consists of quite different tribes of animals, all disguised as men. In the dim garden below the buzz of talk was suddenly broken by Miss Hunt's musical instrument banging with the abruptness of artillery into a vulgar but spirited tune. Rosamond's voice came up rich and strong in the words of some fatuous fashionable black song. Blacks sing a song on the old plantation, sing it as we sang it in the days long gone by. Inglewood's brown eyes softened and saddened still more as he continued his monologue of resignation to such a rollicking and romantic tune. But the blue eyes of Michael Moon brightened and hardened with the light that Inglewood could not understand. Many centuries and many villages and valleys would have been happier if Inglewood or Inglewood's countrymen had ever understood that light, or guessed at the first blink that it was the battle-star of Ireland. Nothing can ever alter it, it's in the wheels of the universe when Hunt Inglewood, in a low voice, some men are weak and some strong and the only thing we can do is to know that we are weak. I have been in love lots of times, but I could not do anything, for I remembered my own fickleness. I have formed opinions, but I haven't the cheek to push them because I've so often changed them. It's the upshot hole, fellow. We can't trust ourselves, and we can't help it. Michael had risen to his feet and stood poised in a perilous position at the end of the roof like some dark statue hung above the gable. Behind him huge clouds of an almost impossible purple turned slowly topsy-turvy in the silent anarchy of heaven. Their gyration made the dark figures seem yet dizzier. Let us, he said, and was suddenly silent. Let us what? asked Arthur Inglewood, rising equally quick, though somewhat more cautiously, for his friends seemed to find some difficulty in speech. Let us go and do some of those things we can't do, said Michael. At the same moment they're burst out of the trap-door below them, the cockatoo hair and flushed face of Innocent Smith, calling to them that they must come down, as the concert was in full swing, and Mr. Moses Gould was about to recite Young Lockenvarr. As they dropped into Innocence Attic they nearly tumbled over its entertaining impedimentia again. Inglewood, staring at the littered floor, thought instinctively of the littered floor of a nursery. He was therefore the more moved and even shocked when his eye fell on a large, well-polished American revolver. Hello, he cried, stepping back from the steely glitter, as men stepped back from a serpent. Are you afraid of burglars, or when and why do you deal death out of that machine-gun? Oh, that! Sid Smith throwing his single glance. I deal life out of that. And he went bounding down the stairs. End of Chapter 2 This is a LibraVox recording. All LibraVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibraVox.org. Man Alive by G. K. Chesterton. Section 5. Part 1. The Enigmas of Innocence Smith. Chapter 3. The Banner of Beacon. All next day at Beacon House there was a crazy sense that it was everybody's birthday. It is the fashion to talk of institutions as cold and cramping things. The truth is that when people are in exceptionally high spirits, really wild with freedom and invention, they always must and they always do create institutions. When men are weary, they fall into anarchy. But while they are gay and vigorous, they invariably make rules. This, which is true of all the churches and republics of history, is also true of the most trivial parlor game or the most unsophisticated meadow-rom. We are never free until some institution frees us and the liberty cannot exist till it is declared by authority. Even the wild authority of the Harlequin Smith was still authority because it produced everywhere a crop of crazy regulations and conditions. He filled everyone with his own half-lunatic life, but it was not expressed in destruction, but rather in a dizzy and toppling construction. Each person with a hobby found it turning into an institution. Rosamond songs seemed to coalesce into a kind of opera. Michael's jests and paragraphs into a magazine. His pipe and her mandolin seemed between them to make a sort of smoking concert. The bashful and bewildered Arthur Englewood almost struggled against his own growing importance. He felt as if, in spite of him, his photographs were turning into a picture gallery, and his bicycle into a gym-kana. But no one had any time to criticize the impromptu estates and offices, for they followed each other in wild succession, like the topics of a rambling talker. Existence with such a man was an obstacle race made out of pleasant obstacles. Out of any homely and trivial object he could drag reels of exaggeration like a conjurer. Nothing could be more shy and impersonal than poor Arthur's photography. Yet the preposterous myth was seen assisting him eagerly through sunny morning hours, and an indefensible sequence described as moral photography began to unroll about the boarding-house. It was only a version of the old photographer's joke which produces the same figure twice on one plate, making a man play chess with himself, dine with himself, and so on. But these plates were more hysterical and ambitious, as Miss Hunt forgets herself, showing that lady answering her own two rapturous recognition with a most appalling stare of ignorance. Or Mr. Moon questions himself in which Mr. Moon appeared as one driven to madness under his own legal cross-examination, which was conducted with a long finger and an air of ferocious waggery. One highly successful trilogy representing Inglewood, recognizing Inglewood, Inglewood prostrating himself before Inglewood, and Inglewood severely beating Inglewood with an umbrella, Innocent Smith wanted to have enlarged and put up in the hall like a sort of fresco with the inscription, self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control. These three alone will make a man a prig. TINNESON Nothing again could be more prosaic and impenetrable than the domestic energies of Miss Diana Duke. But Innocent had somehow blundered on the discovery that her thrifty dressmaking went with considerable feminine care for dress, the one feminine thing that had never failed her solitary self-respect. In consequence Smith pestered her with a theory, which he really seemed to take seriously, that ladies might combine economy with magnificence if they would draw light chalk patterns on a plain dress and then dust them off again. He set up Smith's lightning dressmaking company with two screens, a cardboard placard, and a box of bright soft crayons. And Miss Diana actually threw him an abandoned black overhaul or working-dress on which to exercise the talents of a Maudiste. He promptly produced for her a garment of flame with red and gold sunflowers. She held it up an instant to her shoulders and looked like an empress. And Arthur Englewood, some hours afterward cleaning his bicycle with his usual air of being inextricably hidden in it, glanced up and his hot face grew hotter, for Diana stood laughing, for one flash in the doorway, and her dark robe was rich with the green and purple of great decorative peacocks like a secret garden in the Arabian Nights. A pang too swift to be named pain or pleasure went through his heart like an old world rapier. He remembered how pretty he thought her years ago when he was ready to fall in love with anybody. But it was like remembering a worship of some Babylonian princess in some previous existence. At his next glimpse of her he caught himself awaiting it. The purple and green chalk was dusted off, and she went by quickly in her working clothes. As for Mrs. Duke, none who knew that matron could conceive her as actively resisting this invasion that had turned her house upside down. But among the most exact observers it was seriously believed that she liked it, for she was one of those women who, at bottom, regarded all men as equally mad wild animals of some utterly separate species. And it is doubtful if she really saw anything more eccentric or inexplicable in Smith's chimney-pot picnics or crimson sunflowers than she had in the chemicals of Inglewood or the sardonic speeches of moon. Courtesy, on the other hand, is a thing that anybody can understand, and Smith's manners were as courteous as they were unconventional. She said he was a real gentleman, by which she simply meant a kind-hearted man, which is a very different thing.  At least the only other exception was Rosamond's companion, Mary Gray, whose silence was of a much more eager sort. Though she never spoke, she always looked as if she might speak any minute. Perhaps this is the very definition of a companion. Innocent Smith seemed to throw himself, as into other adventures, into the adventure of making her talk. He never succeeded, yet he was never snubbed. If he achieved anything, it was only to draw attention to this quiet figure, and to turn her by ever so little, from a modesty to a mystery. But if she was a riddle, everyone recognized that she was a fresh and unspoiled riddle, like the riddle of the sky and the woods in spring. Indeed, though she was rather older than the other two girls, she had an early morning ardor, a fresh earnestness of youth, which Rosamond seemed to have lost in the mere spending of money and Diana in the mere guarding of it. Smith looked at her again and again. Her eyes and her mouth were set in her face the wrong way, which was really the right way. She had the knack of saying everything with her face. Her silence was a sort of steady applause. But among the hilarious experiments of that holiday which seemed more like a week's holiday than a day's, one experiment tower supreme, not because it was any sillier or more successful than the others, but because out of this particular folly flowed all of the odd events that were to follow. All the other practical jokes exploded of themselves and left vacancy. All the other fictions returned upon themselves and were finished like a song. But the string of solid and startling events which were to include a handsome cab, a detective, a pistol, and a marriage license were all made primarily possible by the joke about the High Court of Beacon. It had originated not with innocent Smith but with Michael Moon. He was in a strange glow and pressure of spirits and talked incessantly, yet he had never been more sarcastic and even inhuman. He used his old useless knowledge as a barrister to talk entertainingly of a tribunal that was a parody on the pompous anomalies of English law. The High Court of Beacon, he declared, was a splendid example of our free and sensible constitution. It had been founded by King John in defiance of the Magna Carta, and now held absolute power over windmills, wine, and spirit licenses, ladies traveling in Turkey, revision of sentences for dogs stealing and parasite, as well as anything whatever that happened in the town of Market Bosworth. The whole hundred and nine centichells of the High Court of Beacon met once in every four centuries, but in the intervals, as Mr. Moon explained, the whole powers of the institution were vested in Mrs. Duke. Tossed about among the rest of the company, however, the High Court did not retain its historical and legal seriousness, but was used somewhat unscrupulously in a riot of domestic detail. If somebody spilled the Worcestershire sauce on the tablecloth, he was quite sure it was a riot without which the sittings and findings of the court would be invalid, or if somebody wanted a window to remain shut, he would suddenly remember that none but the third son of the Lord of the Manor of Penge had the right to open it. They even went to the length of making arrests and conducting criminal inquiries. The proposed trial of Moses Gould for patriotism was rather above the heads of the company, especially of the general, but the trial of Inglewood on a charge of photographic liable and his triumphant acquittal upon a plea of insanity were omitted to be in the best tradition of the court. But when Smith was in wild spirits, he grew more and more serious, not more and more flippant like Michael Moon. This proposal of a private court of justice which Moon had thrown off with the detachment of a political humorist, Smith really caught hold of, with the eagerness of an abstract philosopher. It was by far the best thing they could do, he declared, to claim sovereign powers even for the individual household. You believe in home rule for Ireland? I believe in home rule for homes, he cried eagerly to Michael. It would be better if every father could kill his son, as with the old Romans. It would be better because nobody would be killed. Let's issue a declaration of independence from Beacon House. We could grow enough greens in that garden to support us, and when the tax collector comes, let us tell him we're self-supporting, and play on him with a hose. Well, perhaps as you say, we couldn't very well have a hose as that comes from the main, but we could sink a well in this chalk and a lot could be done with water jugs. Let this really be Beacon House. Let's light a bonfire of independence on the roof, and see the house after house answering it across the valley of the Thames. Let us begin the league of free families, away with local government, a fig for local patriotism. Let every house be a sovereign state as this is, and judge its own children by its own law as we do by the Court of Beacon. Let us cut the painter, and begin to be happy together, as if we were on a desert island. I know that desert island, said Michael Moon. It only exists in the Swiss family Robinson. A man feels a strange desire for some sort of vegetable milk, and crash comes down some unexpected coconut from some undiscovered monkey. A literary man feels inclined to pen us on it, and once an officious porcupine rushes out of the thicket and shoots out one of his quills. Don't you say a word against the Swiss family Robinson, cried innocent with great warmth. It may not be exact science, but it's dead accurate philosophy. When you are really shipwrecked, you do really find what you want. When you are really on a desert island, you never find it a desert. If we were really besieged in this garden, we'd find a hundred English birds and English berries that we never knew were here. If we were snowed up in this room, we'd be the better for reading scores of books in that bookcase that we don't even know are there. We'd have talks with each other, good, terrible talks, that we shall go to the grave without guessing. We'd find materials for everything, christening, marriage, or a funeral, yes, even for a coronation, if we didn't decide to be a republic. A coronation on Swiss family lines, I suppose, said Michael laughing. Oh, I know you would find everything in that atmosphere. If we wanted such a simple thing, for instance, as a coronation canopy, we should walk down behind the adraniums and find the canopy tree in full bloom. If we wanted such a trifle as a crown of gold why we should be digging up dandelions, and we should find a goldmine under the lawn. And when we wanted oil for the ceremony why I suppose a great storm would wash everything on shore, and we should find there was a whale on the premises. And so there is a whale on the premises, for all you know, an unsurveyed smith, striking the table with passion. I bet you've never examined the premises. I bet you've never been round at the back as I was this morning, for I found the very thing you say could only grow on a tree. There's an old sort of square tent up against the dustbin. It's got three holes in the canvas and a pole's broken, so it's not much good as a tent, but as a canopy. And his voice quite failed him to express his shining adequacy. Then he went on with controversial eagerness. You see, I take every challenge as you make it. I believe every blessed thing you say couldn't be here has been here all the time. You say you want a whale washed up for oil why there's oil in that crew at stand at your elbow, and I don't believe anybody has touched it or thought of it for years. And as for your gold crown, we're none of us wealthy here, but if we could collect enough ten-chilling bits from our own pockets to string round a man's head for half an hour, or one of Miss Hunt's golden bangles is nearly big enough to. End of Part I of Chapter III. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. And Alive by G. K. Chesterton. Section VI. Part I. The Enigmas of Innocent Smith. Chapter II. The Banner of Beacon. Part II. What a mistake that is, cried Innocent Smith, leaping up in great excitement. All his goldic glitters, especially now we are a sovereign state. What's the good of a sovereign state if you can't define a sovereign? We could make anything precious metal, as men could in the morning of the world. They didn't choose gold because it was rare. Your scientists can tell you twenty sorts of slime much rarer. They chose gold because it was bright, because it was a hard thing to find, but pretty when you found it.  You can only look at it, and you can look out here. With one of his incalculable motions he sprang back, and burst open the doors into the garden. At the same time also, with one of his gestures that never seemed at the instant so unconventional as they were, he stretched out his hand to Mary Gray and led her out on through the lawn as if for a dance. The French windows thus flung open, let in an evening even lovelier than that of the day before. The west was swimming with sanguine colors, and a sort of sleepy flame lay upon the lawn. The twisted shadows of one or two garden trees showed upon this sheen, not gray or black as in common daylight, but like arabesques written in vivid violet ink on some page of eastern gold. The sunset was one of those festive and yet mysterious conflagrations in which common things, by their colors, remind us of costly or curious things. The slates upon the sloping roof burned like the plumes of a vast peacock, and every mysterious blend of blue and green. The red-brown bricks of the wall glowed with all the October tints of strong ruby and tawny wines. The sun seemed to set each object alight with a different colored flame, like a man lighting fireworks, and even innocent hair, which was of a rather colorless fairness, seemed to have a flame of pig and gold on it, as he strode across the lawn towards a one tall ridge of rockery. What would be the good of gold, he was saying, if it did not glitter? Why should we care for a black sovereign any more than for a black son at noon? A black button would do just as well. Don't you see that everything in this garden looks like a jewel?  Move off buying and selling, and start looking. Open your eyes, and you'll wake up to the New Jerusalem. All is gold that glitters, tree and tower of brass rolls the golden evening air down the golden grass, kick the cry to Jericho, how yellow mud is sold, all is gold that glitters, for the glitter is the gold. And who wrote that, astros, amundamused? No one will ever write it, answered Smith, and cleared the rockery with a flying leap. Really, said Rosamund to Michael Moon, he ought to be sent to an asylum, don't you think so? I beg your pardon, inquired Michael rather somberly, his long swore the head was dark against the sunset, and either by accident or mood he had the look of something isolated and even hostile amid the social extravagance of the garden. I only said Mr. Smith ought to go to an asylum, repeated the lady. The lean face seemed to grow longer and longer, for Moon was unmistakably sneering. No, he said, I don't think it's at all necessary. What do you mean, astros, amundamused quickly? Why not? Because he is in one now, answered Michael Moon in a quiet but ugly voice. Why didn't you know? What cried the girl? And there was a break in her voice, for the Irishman's face and voice were really almost creepy. With his dark figure and dark sayings in all that sunshine he looked like the devil in paradise. I am sorry he continued with a sort of harsh humility. Of course we don't talk about it much, but I thought we all really knew. Knew what? Well, answered Moon, that Beacon House is a certain rather singular sort of house, a house with loose tiles, shall we say? Innocent Smith is only the doctor that visits us. Won't you come, when he called before? As our maladies are melancholic. Of course he has to be extra cheery. Sanity, of course, seems very bumpchewous eccentric thing to us. Jumping over a wall, climbing a tree. That's his bedside manner. You daren't say such a thing, cried Rosamond in a rage. You daren't suggest that I— Not more than I am, said Michael, soothingly. Not more than the rest of us. Haven't you ever noticed that Miss Duke never sits still? A notorious sign. Haven't you ever observed that Inglewood is always washing his hands? A known mark of mental disease. I, of course, am a dypsomaniac. I don't believe you broke out his companion, not without agitation. I've heard you had some bad habits. All habits are bad habits, said Michael, with deadly calm. Madness does not come by breaking out, but by giving in.  By being tamed.  It's a lie, cried Rosamond furiously. I never was mean about money. You were worse, said Michael, in a low voice and yet violently. You thought that other people were. You thought every man who came near you must be a fortune-hunter. You would not let yourself go and be sane, and now you're mad, and I'm mad, and serve us right. You brute, said Rosamond quite white. And is this true? With the intellectual cruelty of which the Kelt is capable when his abysses are in revolt, Michael was silent for some seconds, and then stepped back with an ironical bow. Not literally true, of course, he said. Only really true. An allegory, shall we say. A social satire?   I don't care whether you call it snobbishness or not. I like life and success, and jolly things to look at, and action. You won't frighten me with diogenes. I prefer Alexander. Victrix-causadere, said Michael Gloomily, and this angered her more, as not knowing what it meant she imagined it to be witty. Oh, I dare say you know Greek, she said, with cheerful inaccuracy. You haven't done much with that, either, and she crossed the garden, pursuing the vanished innocent and a merry. In doing so, she passed Englewood, who was returning to the house slowly and with a thought-clouded brow. He was one of those men who are quite clever, but quite the reverse of quick. As he came back out of the sunset garden into the twilight parlor, Diana Duke slipped swiftly to her feet and began putting away the tea-things. But it was not before Englewood had seen an instantaneous picture so unique that he might well have snapshotted it with his everlasting camera.  You are busy, said Arthur, oddly embarrassed with what he had seen and wishing to ignore it. There's no time for dreaming in this world, answered the young lady with her back to him. I have been thinking lately, said Englewood in a low voice, that there's no time for waking up. She did not reply, and he walked to the window and looked out on the garden. I don't smoke or drink, you know, he said irrelevantly, because I think they're drugs.  Getting under a black hood, getting into a dark room, getting into a hole, anyhow. Drugging myself with speed and sunshine and fatigue and fresh air, peddling the machine so fast that I turn into a machine myself. That's the matter with all of us. We're too busy to wake up. Well, said the girl, solidly, what is there to wake up to? There must be, cried Englewood, turning round in singular excitement, there must be something to wake up to. All we do is preparations, your cleanliness and my healthiness and Warner's scientific appliances. We're always preparing for something, something that never comes off. I ventilate the house and you sweep the house, but what is going to happen in the house? She was looking at him quietly, but with very bright eyes, and seemed searching for some form of words which she could not find. Before she could speak, the door burst open, and the boisterous Rosamond Hunt in her flamboyant white hat, boa and parasol, stood framed in the doorway. She was in a breathing heat, and on her open face was an expression of the most infantile astonishment. Well, here's a fine game, she said panting. What am I to do now, I wonder. I've wired for Dr. Warner. That's all I can think of doing. What's the matter, asked Diana, rather sharply, but moving forward like one used to be called upon for assistance. It's Mary, said the heiress. My companion, Mary Gray, that cracked friend of yours called Smith, has proposed to her in the garden after 10 hours acquaintance, and he wants to go off with her now for a special license. Arthur Inglewood walked to the open French windows and looked out on the garden, still golden with evening light. Nothing moved there but a bird or two, hopping and twittering. But beyond the hedge and railings, in the road outside the garden gate, a handsome cab was waiting, with the yellow gladstone bag on top of it. The end of chapter 3. This is a Libravox recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org. Man Alive by G. K. Chesterton. Section 7. Part 1. The Enigmas of Innocent Smith. Chapter 5. The Garden of the God. Diana Duke seemed inexplicably irritated at the abrupt entrance and utterance of the other girl. Well, she said shortly, I suppose Miss Gray can decline him if she doesn't want to marry him. But she does want to marry him, cried Rosamond in exasperation. She's a wild, wicked fool, and I won't be parted from her. Perhaps said Diana, I silly, but I really don't see what we can do. For the man's balmy Diana, reasoned her friend angrily, I can't let my nice governess marry a man that's balmy. You, or somebody, must stop it. Mr. Englewood, you're a man. Go and tell them they simply can't. Unfortunately, it seems to me they simply can, said Englewood, with the depressed air. I have far less right of intervention than Miss Duke, besides having, of course, far less moral force than she. You haven't either of you got much, cried Rosamond. The last stays of her formidable temper giving way. I think I'll go somewhere else for a little sense and pluck. I think I know someone who will help me more than you do. At any rate, he's a cantankerous beast, but he's a man, and he has a mind and knows it. And she flung out into the garden, with cheeks of flame, and the perilsaw whirling like a Catherine wheel. She found Michael Moon standing under the garden-tree, looking over the hedge, hunched like a bird of prey, with his large pipe hanging down his long blue chin. The very hardness of his expression pleased her, after the nonsense of the new engagement and the shilly-shallying of her other friends. I am sorry I was cross, Mr. Moon, she said frankly. I hated you for being a cynic, but I've been well punished for I want a cynic just now. I've had my fill of sentiment. I'm fed up with it. The world's gone mad, Mr. Moon. All except the cynics, I think. That maniac Smith wants to marry my old friend Mary, and she doesn't seem to mind. Seeing his attentive face still undisturbedly smoking, she added smartly. I'm not joking. That's Mr. Smith's cab outside. He swears he'll take her off now to his aunt's and go for a special license. Do give me some practical advice, Mr. Moon. Mr. Moon took his pipe out of his mouth, held it in his hand for an instant reflectively, and then tossed it to the other side of the garden. My practical advice to you is this, he said. Let him go for his special license, and ask him to get another one for you and me. Is that one of your jokes, asked the young lady? Do say what you really mean. I mean that Innocent Smith is a man of business, said Moon, with ponderous precision, a plain, practical man, a man of affairs, a man of facts, and the daylight. He has let down twenty ton of good-building bricks suddenly on my head, and I am glad to say they have woken me up. We went to sleep a little while ago on this very lawn in this very sunlight. We have had a little nap for five years or so. But now we're going to be married, Rosamund, and I can't see why that cab. Really, said Rosamund Stoutly, I don't know what you mean.  I'm all for lies in an ordinary way. But don't you see that tonight they won't do. We wandered into a world of facts, old girl. That grass growing and that sun going down and that cab at the door are facts. You used to torment and excuse yourself by saying I was after your money, and didn't really love you. But if I stood here now and I told you I didn't love you, you wouldn't believe me. For truth is in this garden tonight. Really, Mr. Moon, said Rosamund, rather more faintly.  Is my name Moon, he asked? Is your name Hunt? On my honor they sound to me as quaint and distant as red Indian names. It says if your name was Swim and my name was Sunrise. But our real names, our husband and wife, and they were when we fell asleep. It's no good, said Rosamund, with real tears in her eyes. I can never go back.  But really, Michael, really, you must stop and think, cried the girl earnestly. You could carry me off my feet, I daresay, soul and body. But it may be bitter bad business for all that. These things done in that romantic rush, like Mr. Smith's, they do attract women I don't deny it. As you say, we're all telling the truth tonight. They've attracted poor Mary, for one. They attract me, Michael, but the cold fact remains, imprudent marriages do lead to long unhappiness and disappointment. You got used to your drinks and things. I shan't be pretty much longer. Imprudent marriages, roared Michael, and pray where in earth or heaven are there any prudent marriages. Might as well talk about prudent suicides. You and I have dawdled round each other long enough, and are we any safer than Smith and Mary Gray whom at last night? You never know a husband till you marry him. Unhappy? Of course you'll be unhappy.  Disappointed? Of course we'll be disappointed. I, for one, don't expect till I die to be so good a man as I am this minute. A tower with all the trumpets shouting. You see all this, said Rosamond, with grand sincerity and a solid face, and do you really want to marry me? My darling, what else is there to do, reasoned the Irishman? What other occupation is there for an active man on this earth except to marry you? What's the alternative to marriage, barring sleep? It's not liberty, Rosamond. Unless you marry God, as our nuns do in Ireland, you must marry man. That is me. The only third thing is to marry yourself. Yourself, yourself, yourself. The only companion that is never satisfied and never satisfactory. Michael, said Miss Hunt in a very soft voice. If you won't talk so much, I'll marry you. It's no time for talking, cried Michael Moon. Singin's the only thing. Can't you find that mandolin of yours, Rosamond? Michael, when fetch it for me, said Rosamond, with crisp and sharp authority. The lounging Mr. Moon stood for one split second astonished. Then he shot away across the lawn as if shot with the feathered shoes out of the Greek fairy tale. He cleared three yards and fifteen daisies at a leap out of mere bodily levity, but when he came within a yard or two of the open parlor windows, his flying feet fell in their old manner like lead. He twisted round and came back slowly whistling. The events of that enchanted evening were not at an end. Inside the dark sitting-room, of which Moon had caught a glimpse, a curious thing had happened. Almost an instant after the intemperate exit of Rosamond. It was something which, occurring in that obscure parlor, seemed to Arthur Englewood like heaven and earth turning head over heels. The sea being the ceiling and the stars the floor. No words can express how it astonished him, as it astonishes all simple men when it happens. Yet the stiffest female stoicism seemed separated from it, only by a sheet of paper or a sheet of steel. It indicates no surrender, far less any sympathy. The most rigid and ruthless woman can begin to cry, just as the most effeminate man can grow a beard. It is a separate sexual power improves nothing one way or the other about force of character. But the young man, ignorant of women like Arthur Englewood, to see Diana Duke crying was like seeing a motor-car shedding tears of petrol. He could never have given, even if his really manly monesty had permitted it, any vaguest vision of what he did when he saw that portent. He acted as men do when a theater catches fire, very differently from how they would have conceived themselves as acting, whether for better or worse. He had a faint memory of certain half-stifled explanations, that the heiress was the one really paying guest, and she would go and the bailiffs in consequence would come. But after that he knew nothing of his own conduct except by the protests it evoked. Leave me alone, Mr. Englewood, leave me alone, that's not the way to help. But I can help you, said Arthur, with grinding certainly. I can, I can, I can. Why, you said, cried the girl, that you were much weaker than me. So I am weaker than you, said Arthur, in a voice that went vibrating through everything. But not just now. Let go of my hands, cried Diana, I won't be bullied. In one element he was much stronger than she, the matter of humor. This leapt up in him suddenly, and he laughed, saying, well, you are mean.  You might allow a man the one minute of his life when he's allowed to bully. It was as extraordinary for him to laugh as for her to cry, and for the first time since her childhood. Diana was entirely off her guard. Do you mean you want to marry me, she said? Why, there's a cab at the door, cried Englewood, springing up with an unconscious energy, and bursting open the glass doors that led into the garden. As he littered out by the hand they realized somehow for the first time that the house and garden were on a steep height over London, and yet, though they felt the place to be uplifted, they felt it also to be secret. It was like some round-walled garden on the top of one of the turrets of heaven. Englewood looked round remally, his browned eyes devouring all sorts of details with ceaseless delight. He noticed for the first time that the railings of the gate beyond the garden bushes were molded like little spearheads and painted blue. He noticed that one of the blue spears was loosened in its place and hung sideways, and this almost made him laugh. He thought it somehow exquisitely harmless and funny that the railing should be crooked. He thought he should like to know how it happened, who did it, and how the man was getting on. When they were gone a few feet across that fiery grass they realized that they were not alone. Rosamond hunt and the eccentric Mr. Moon, both of whom they had at last seen in the blackest temper of detachment were standing together on the lawn. They were standing in quite an ordinary manner, and yet they looked somehow, like people in a book. Oh, said Diana, what lovely air! I know called out Rosamond with pleasure so positive that it rang out like a complaint. It's just like that horrid, beastly, fizzy stuff they gave me that made me feel happy. Oh, it isn't anything like anything but itself, answered Diana, breathing deeply. Why, it's all cold, and yet it feels like fire. Baume is the word we use in Fleet Street, said Mr. Moon. Baume, especially on the crumpet. And he fanned himself quite unnecessarily with his straw hat.  Diana stirred and stretched her long arms rigidly, as if crucified, in a sort of excruciating restfulness. Michael stood still for long intervals with gathered muscles and spun round like a tea totem, and stood still again. Rosamond did not trip, for women never trip, except when they fall on their noses. But she struck the ground with her foot as she moved, as if to some inaudible dance-tune. In Inglewood, leaning quite quietly against the tree, had unconsciously clutched a branch and shaken it with a creative violence. Those giant gestures of men that made the high statues and the strokes of war tossed and tormented all their limbs. Silently, as they strolled and stood, they were bursting like batteries with an animal magnetism. And now cried Moon quite suddenly, stretching out a hand on each side. Let's dance round that bush. Why? What bush do you mean, Astrosamond, looking round with a sort of radiant rudeness? The bush that isn't there, said Michael, the Mulberry bush. They had taken each other's hands, half-laughing, and quite ritually, and before they could disconnect again, Michael spun them all around like a demon spinning the world for a top. Diana felt as the circle of the horizon flew instantaneously around her, a far aerial sense of the ring of heights beyond London and corners where she had climbed as a child. She seemed almost to hear the rook's calling about the old pines on Highgate or to see the glowworms gathering in kindling in the woods of Box Hill. CHAPTER IV The Garden of the God The circle broke as all such perfect circles of levity must break, and sent its author, Michael, flying as by centrifugal force far away against the blue rails of the gate. When reeling there he suddenly raised shout after shout of a new and quite dramatic character. Why, it's Warner, he shouted, waving his arms. It's jolly old Warner with a new silk hat and the old silk mustache. Was that Dr. Warner cried Rosamund, bounding forward in a burst of memory, amusement, and distress? Oh, I am so sorry, do tell him it's all right. Let's take hands and tell him, said Michael Moon, for indeed, while they were talking another handsome cab had dashed up behind the one already waiting, and Dr. Herbert Warner, leaving a companion in the cab, had carefully deposited himself on the pavement. Now when you are an eminent physician and are wired for by an heiress to come to a case of dangerous mania, and when, as you come in through the garden to the house, the heiress and her landlady and two of the gentlemen boarders join hands and dance round you in a ring calling out, it's all right, it's all right, you're apt to be flustered, and even displeased. Dr. Warner was a placid, but hardly a plaqueable person. The two things are by no means the same, and even when Moon explained to him that he, Warner, with his high hat and tall solid figure was just such a classic figure as ought to be danced round by a ring of laughing maidens on some old golden Greek seashore. Even then he seemed to miss the point of the general rejoicing. Hanglewood cried Dr. Warner, fixing his former disciple with a stare. Are you mad? Arthur flushed to the roots of his brown hair, but he answered easily and quietly enough. What now? The truth is, Warner, I've just made a rather important medical discovery quite in your line. What do you mean, asked the great doctor stiffly, what discovery? I have discovered that health really is catching, like disease, answered Arthur. Yes, sanity has broken out, and is spreading, said Michael, performing a pot of soul with a thoughtful expression. Twenty-thousand more cases taken to the hospitals, nurses employed night and day. Dr. Warner studied Michael's grave face and lightly moving legs with an unfathomed wonder. And is this, may I ask, the sanity that is spreading? You must forgive me, Dr. Warner, cried Rosamond Hunt hardly. I know I treated you badly, but indeed it was all a mistake. I was in a frightfully bad temper when I sent for you, and now it all seems like a dream. And Mr. Smith is the sweetest, most sensible, most delightful old thing that ever existed. And may he marry anyone he likes, except me. I should suggest, Mrs. Duke, said Michael. The gravity of Dr. Warner's face increased. He took a slip of pink paper from his waistcoat pocket with his blue pale eyes, quietly fixed on Rosamond's face all the time. He spoke with a not inexcusable frigidity. Really, Miss Hunt, he said, you are not yet very reassuring. You sent me this wire only half an hour ago. Come at once if possible with another doctor, man, innocent Smith, gone mad on premises, and doing dreadful things. Do you know anything of him? I went round at once to a distinguished colleague of mine, a doctor who is also a private detective and an authority on criminal lunacy, and he has come round with me and is waiting in the cab. Now you calmly tell me that this criminal madman is a highly sweet, sane old thing with accompaniments that set me speculating on your own definition of sanity. I hardly comprehend the change. Oh, how can one explain a change in sun and moon and everybody's soul cried Rosamond in despair? Must I confess we had got so morbid as to think him mad merely because he wanted to get married, and that we didn't even know it was only because we wanted to get married ourselves? We'll humiliate ourselves, if you like, doctor. We're happy enough. Where is Mr. Smith? asked Warner of Inglewood very sharply. Arthur started. He had forgotten all about the central figure of their farce who had not been visible for an hour or more. I think he's on the other side of the house by the dustbin, he said. He may be on the road to Russia, said Warner, but he must be found, and he strode away and disappeared round the corner of the house by the sunflowers. I hope, said Rosamond, he won't really interfere with Mr. Smith. Interfere with the daisies, said Michael with us north. A man can't be locked up for falling in love. At least I hope not. No, I think even a doctor wouldn't make a disease out of him.  I believe it's a case of a sort of holy well. I believe Innocent Smith is simply innocent, and that is why he is so extraordinary. It was Rosamond who spoke restlessly tracing circles in the grass with the point of her white shoe. I think, said Inglewood, that Smith is not extraordinary at all. He's comic, just because he's so startlingly commonplace. Don't you know what it is to be all one family circle with aunts and uncles when a schoolboy comes home for the holidays? That big bear on the cab is only a schoolboy's hamper. This tree here in the garden is only the sort of tree that any schoolboy would have climbed. Guess that's the thing that has haunted us all about him. The thing we could never fit a word to. Whether he is my old school fellow or no, at least he is all my old school fellows. He is the endless bun-eating, ball-throwing animal that we have all been. That is only you absurd boys, said Diana. I don't believe any girl was ever so silly, and I'm sure no girl was ever so happy. Except—and she stopped. I will tell you the truth about Innocence Smith, said Michael Moon in a low voice. Dr.  He is not there. Haven't you noticed that we never saw him since we found ourselves? He was an astral baby, born on all four of us. He was only our own youth returned. Long before poor old Warner had clambered out of his cab, the thing we called Smith had dissolved into dew and light on this lawn. Once or twice more by the mercy of God we may feel the thing, but the man we shall never see. In a spring garden before breakfast we shall smell the smell called Smith. In the snapping of brisk twigs in tiny fires we shall hear a noise named Smith. Everything insatiable and innocent in the grasses that gobble up the earth-like babies at a bun-feast. In the white mornings the split the sky as a boy splits up white firewood. We may feel for one instant the presence of an impetuous purity, but his innocence was too close to the unconsciousness of inanimate things, not to melt back at a mere touch into the mild hedges and heavens he. He was interrupted from behind the house by a bang like that of a bomb. Almost at the same instant the stranger in the cab sprang out of it, leaving it rocking upon the stones of the road. He clutched the blue railings of the garden and peered eagerly over them in the direction of the noise. He was a small, loose, yet alert man, very thin, with a face that seemed made out of fish bones and a silk hat quite as rigid and resplendent as Warner's, but thrust back recklessly on the hindre part of his head. Murder, he shrieked in a high and feminine but very penetrating voice. Stop that murder there! Even as he shrieked a second shot shook the lower windows of the house and, with the noise of it, Dr. Herbert Warner came flying around the corner like a leaping rabbit. Yet before he had reached the group a third discharge had deafened them and they saw with their own eyes two spots of white sky drilled through the second of the unhappy Herbert's high hats. The next moment the fugitive physician fell over a flower pot and came down on all fours staring like a cow. The hat with the two shot holes in it rolled upon the gravel path before him, and innocent Smith came round the corner like a railway train.  Though this startling scene hung but an instant in stillness, Inglewood had time to feel once more what he had felt when he saw the other lovers standing on the lawn, the sensation of a certain cut and colored clearness that belongs rather to the thing of art than to the things of experience, the broken flower pot with its red-hot uranium, the green bulk of Smith and the black bulk of Warner, the blue spiked railings behind clutched by the stranger's yellow vulture claws and peered over by his long vulture neck, the silk hat on the gravel and the little cloud-lit of smoke floating across the garden as innocently as the puff of a cigarette. All these seemed unnaturally distinct and definite. They existed like symbols in an ecstasy of separation. Indeed every object grew more and more particular impressions because the whole picture was breaking up. Things looked so bright just before they burst. Long before his fancies had begun, let alone ceased, Arthur had stepped across and taken one of Smith's arms. Simultaneously the little stranger had run up the steps and taken the other. Smith went into peels of laughter and surrendered his pistol with a perfect willingness. Moon raised the doctor to his feet and then went to lean suddenly on the garden gate. The girls were quiet and vigilant as good women mostly are in instance of catastrophe. But their faces shelled that somehow or other a light had been dashed out of the sky. The doctor himself, when he had risen, collected his hat and his wits and dusting himself down with an air of great disgust, turned to them in brief apology. He was very white with his recent panic, but he spoke with perfect self-control. "'You will excuse us, ladies,' he said. My friend and Mr. Englewood are both scientists in their several ways. I think we had better all take Mr. Smith indoors and communicate with you later." And under the guard of the three natural philosophers, the disarmed Smith was led tactfully into the house still roaring with laughter. From time to time during the next twenty minutes his distant boom of mirth could again be heard through the half-open window. But there came no echo of the quiet voices of the physicians. The girls walked about the garden together, rubbing up each other's spirits as best they might. Michael Moon still hung heavily against the gate. Somewhere about the expiration of that time Dr. Warner came out of the house with a face less pale and even more stern, and a little man with a fishbone face advanced gravely in his rear.  Miss Hunt, said Dr. Herbert Warner, I only wish to offer you my warm thanks and admiration. By your prompt courage and wisdom in sending for us by wire this evening you had enabled us to capture and put out of mischief one of the most cruel and terrible of the enemies of humanity, a criminal whose plausibility and pitilessness have never before been combined in flesh.  What do you mean, she asked? You can't mean Mr. Smith. He has gone by many other names, said the doctor gravely, and not one did he not leave to be cursed behind him. That man, Miss Hunt, had left a track of blood and tears across the world. Whether he is mad as well as wicked, we are trying in the interest of science to discover. In any case, we shall have to take him to a magistrate first, even if only on the road to a lunatic asylum. But the lunatic asylum in which he is confined will have to be sealed with a wall within a wall, and ringed with guns like a fortress or he will break out again to bring forth carnage and darkness on the earth. Rosamond looked at the two doctors, her face growing paler and paler, then her eyes strayed to Michael who was leaning on the gate, but he continued to lean on it without moving. His face turned away toward the darkening road.


Hello, all you dentists out there. So I train a dentist and she she told me the other day that she was doing a Two and a half hour surgery and I thought She she was just describing her stiffness and I thought man that is crazy We cannot just throw this person into full-blown Athletics right we can't expect this person who's been doing this surgery Hunched over and crunched down inside someone's mouth You can't expect that person to move like somebody who just got done with a one-hour walk Right because the person who's been walking has been moving around But the person who's been doing the surgery and then drove in the car not on a computer in a car out to Your training session. I can't expect that person to move the same way Right, they've been locked down. So what you have to do is you have to unlock everything. So first thing we're gonna do is find out which way that you've been crunching down and do the other way so if you're kind of if you sit on the patient's right and you kind of turn over and You lean your head this way and then you're kind of turned over into the mouth then Well, all I'm gonna do is I'm gonna find a way to Secure my hips that way but turn my upper body the other way and that kind of Untwists my body right it keeps the bottom part secure And then it turns my upper body away and that kind of it's like a chamois cloth It just rings you out Other just general principle rather than trying to find the perfect exercise that will Instantly alleviate all of your tensions. I Think it makes a lot more sense for you to just Find a warm-up that you like do about ten minutes of Slow gradual movement with a little bit of stretching Dynamic stretching where you're you know, maybe you're doing a lunge and Coming up and you you know jump into the other side. Maybe you do a little bit of a hamstring touch Or toe touch hamstring stretch all sorts of dynamic movement stuff where you keep Changing your position is good to get your body Your cells flowing again, right your body moving again, and then after that I would take a pretty extensive Cardiovascular warm-up as well, so we're gonna start moving around we're gonna jump we're gonna skip we're gonna Climb up stairs. We're gonna walk uphill. We're gonna run any sort of movement that you like that your body prefers you do anything that Kind of jives well with the the body that you've been given go ahead and do those things But make sure that you don't skip them right make sure that you do them because that's the only way That you're going to be able to adapt your body That has been evolving for so long Into this modern era that we're in where we have to sit down at work for eight hours a day Right and sometimes we have to be pretty immobile throughout the day Okay, so Make a plan stick with it Ease yourself into some mobility ease yourself through your warm-up, but make sure that you get it done