Chapter 00 of the Humbugs of the World. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Barry Eads. The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum. Publishers' Note and Introduction. Publishers' Note. One of Mr. Barnum's secrets of success is his unique methods of advertising and we can readily understand how he can bear to be denounced as a humbug because this popular designation, though undeserved in the popular acceptation of it, brought grist to his mill. He has constantly kept himself before the public. Nay, we may say that he has been kept before the public constantly by the stereotyped word in question. And what right or what desire could he have to discard or complain of an epithet which was one of the prospering elements of his business as a showman? In a narrow sense of the word, he is a humbug. In the larger acceptation, he is not. He has in several chapters of this book elaborated the distinction and we will only say in this place what indeed no one who knows him will doubt that aside from his qualities as a caterer to popular entertainment, he is one of the most remarkable men of the age. As a businessman, a far-reaching vision and singular executive force, he has for years been the life of Bridgeport, near which city he has long resided and last winter he achieved high rank in the legislature of Connecticut as both an effective speaker and a patriot, having no axe to grind and seeking only the public welfare. We indeed agree with the editor of The New York Independent who in an article drawn out by the burning of the American Museum says, Mr. Barnum's rare talent as a speaker has always been exercised in behalf of good morals and for patriotic objects. No man has done better service in the temperance cause by public lectures during the past 10 years, both in America and Great Britain and during the war he was most effective in stimulating the spirit which resulted in the preservation of the Union and the destruction of slavery. We cannot forbear quoting two or three additional paragraphs from that article especially as they are so strongly expressive of the merits of the case. Mr. Barnum's whole career has been a very transparent one. He has never be fooled the public to its injury and though his name has come to be looked upon as a synonym for humbuggery there never was a public man who was less of one. The hardy-good wishes of many good men and the sympathies of the community in which he has lived go with him and the public he has so long amused but never abused will be ready to sustain him whenever he makes another appeal to them. Mr. Barnum is a very good sort of representative Yankee. When crowds of English traders and manufacturers in Liverpool, Manchester and London flocked to hear his lectures on the art of making money they expected to hear from him some very smart recipes for slavery but they were as much astonished as they were edified to learn that the only secret he had to tell them was to be honest and not to expect something for nothing. We could fill many pages with quotations of corresponding tenor from the leading and most influential men and journals in the land but we will close this publisher's note with the following from the New York Sun. One of the happiest impromptu oratorical efforts that we have heard for some time was that made by Barnum at the benefit performance given for his employees on Friday afternoon. If a stranger wanted to satisfy himself how the great showman had managed so to monopolize the ear and eye of the public during his long career he could not have had a better opportunity of doing so than by listening to this address. Every word though delivered with apparent carelessness struck a keynote in the hearts of his listeners. Simple, forceful and touching it showed how thoroughly this extraordinary man comprehends the character of his countrymen and how easily he can play upon their feelings. Those who look upon Barnum as a mere charlatan have really no knowledge of him. It would be easy to demonstrate that the qualities that have placed him in his present position of notoriety and affluence would in another pursuit have raised him to far greater eminence. In his breadth of views, his profound knowledge of mankind his courage under reverses his indomitable perseverance his ready eloquence and his admirable business tack we recognize the elements that are conducive to success in most other pursuits. More than almost any other living man Barnum may be said to be a representative type of the American mind. End of publishers note. Introduction. In the autobiography of P. T. Barnum published in 1855 I partly promised to write a book which should expose some of the chief humbugs of the world. The invitation of my friends, messengers Caldwell and Whitney of the weekly Mercury caused me to furnish for that paper a series of articles in which I very naturally took up the subject in question. This book is a revision and rearrangement of a portion of those articles. If I should find that I have met a popular demand I shall in due time put forth a second volume. There is not the least danger of a dearth of materials. I once traveled through the southern states in company with a magician. The first day in each town he astonished his auditors with his deceptions. He then announced that on the following day he would show how each trick was performed and how every man might thus become his own magician. That expose spoiled the ledger domain market on that particular route for several years. So if we could have a full exposure of the tricks of trade of all sorts of humbugs and deceivers of past times, religious, political, financial, scientific, quackish and so forth, we might perhaps look for a somewhat wiser generation to follow us. I shall be well satisfied if I can do something towards so good a purpose. P. T. Barnum. End of introduction. End of Chapter Zero Zero. Chapter One of the Humbugs of the World This is a LibriVox Recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Eddie Winter The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum Personal Reminisances. Chapter One. General view of the subject. Humbug Universal. In religion. In politics. In business. In science. In medicine. How is it to say the greatest humbug of all? A little reflection will show that humbug is an astonishingly widespread phenomenon. In fact, almost universal. And this is true although we exclude crimes and orange windows from the definition of it according to the somewhat careful explanation which is given in the beginning of the chapter succeeding this one. I apprehend that there is no sort of object which men seek to attain whether secular, moral, or religious in which humbug is not very often an instrumentality.  False religions are the only ones known to two-thirds of the human race even now after 19 centuries of Christianity. And false religions are perhaps the most monstrous, complicated and thoroughgoing specimens of humbug that can be found. And even within the pale of Christianity how unbroken has been the succession of imposters, hypocrites and pretenders, male and female of every possible variety of age, sex, doctrine and discipline. Politics and government are certainly among the most important of practical human interests. Now it was a Diplomatist that is a practical manager of one kind of government matters who invented that wonderful phrase a whole world full of humbug in half a dozen words that language was given to us to conceal our thoughts. It was another Diplomatist who said an ambassador is a gentleman sent to lie aboard for the good of his country. But need I explain to my own beloved countrymen that there is a humbug in politics? Does anybody go into a political campaign without it? Are no exaggerations of our candidates' merits to be allowed? No depreciations of the other candidate? Shall we no longer prove that the success of the party opposed to us will overwhelm the land in ruin? Let me see. Living out the two elections of General Washington 18 times that very fact has been proved by the party that was beaten. And immediately we have not been ruined notwithstanding that the dreadful fatal fellows on the other side got their hands on the offices and their fingers into the treasury. Business is the ordinary means of living for nearly all of us and in what business is there not humbug? There's cheating in all trades but ours is the prompt reply from the bootmaker with his brown paper souls. The grocer with his flowery sugar and chickered coffee.  The dry goodsman with his damaged goods wet at the great fire and his selling at a ruinous loss. The stockbroker with his brazen assurance that your company is bankrupt and your stock not worth a cent if he wants to buy it. The horse jockey with his black arts and spavend brutes. The milkman with his tin aquaria. The land agent with his nice new maps and beautiful descriptions of distant scenery. The newspaper man with his immense circulation. The publisher with his great American novel. The city auctioneer with his pictures by the old masters. All and every one protest each his own innocence and warn you against the deceits of the rest. My inexperienced friend take it for granted that they all tell the truth about each other and then transact your business to the best of your ability on your own judgment. Never fear but you will get experience enough and that you will pay well for it too and towards a time when you shall no longer need earthly goods you will begin to know how to buy. Literature is one of the most interesting and significant expressions of humanity yet books are thickly peppered with humbug. Traveller's stories have been the scoff of ages from the true story of witty old Lucy and the Syrian down to the gorillorities if I may coin a word of the Frenchman Doucheleu Ireland's counterfeited Shakespeare plays Chatterton's Forged Manuscripts George Salmanazar's Forged Formosan Language Jerry Smith's Mormon Bible it should be noted that this and the Quran sounded two strings of humbug together the literary and the religious the more recent counterfeits of the notorious Greek Simonides such literary humbugs as these are equal in presumption and in ingenuity too to any of a merely business kind they're usually destitute of that sort of impiety which makes the great religious humbugs horrible as well as impudent. Science is another important field of human effort science is a pursuit of pure truth and the systematising of it. In such an employment as that one might reasonably hope to find all things done in honesty and sincerity. Not at all my ardent and inquiring friends there is a scientific humbug just as large as any other. We've all heard of the moon hoax do none of you remember the Hydra Cross Salimani that all fought alabama snake? It was only a little while ago that a grave account appeared in a newspaper of a whole new business of compressing ice. Perpetual motion has been the dream of scientific visionaries and a pretended but cheating realisation of it has been exhibited by scamp after scamp. I understand that one is at this moment been invented over in Jersey City. I have purchased more than one perpetual motion myself. Many persons will remember Mr. Payne the great shut-at as he was called from his story that people were constantly trying to kill him and his water gas. There have been other water gases too which were going to show us how to set the North River on fire but something or other has always broken down just at the wrong moment. Nobody seems to reflect when these water gases come up that if water could really be made to burn the right conditions would surely have happened at some one of the thousands of city fires and that the very stuff with which our stout firemen were extinguishing the flames would have itself caught and exterminated the whole brave wet crowd. Medicine is a means by which we poor feeble creatures try to keep from dying or aching. In a world so full of pain it would seem as if people could not be so foolish or practitioners so naivish as to sport with men's and women's and children's lives by their professional humbugs. Yet there are many grave MDs who if there is nobody to hear and if they speak their minds will tell you plainly that the whole practice of medicine is in one sense a humbug. One of its features is certainly a humbug though so innocent and even useful that it seems difficult to think of any objection to it. This is a practice of giving a placebo that is a bread pill or a dose of coloured water to keep the patient's mind easy while imagination helps nature to perfect a cure. As for the cracks patient medicines and universal remedies I need only mention their names. Prince Hoennlow Valentine Great Rakes John St John Long Dr Graham and his wonderful bed Mesmer and his tub Perkins Metallic Tractors These are half a dozen Modern history knows of hundreds of such. It would almost seem as if human delusions became more unreasoning an abject in proportion as their subject is of greater importance. A machine a story an animal skeleton are not so very important but the humbugs which have prevailed about that wondrous machine the human body its ailments and its cures about the unspeakable mystery of human life and still more about the far greater and more awful mysteries of the life beyond the grave and the endless happiness and misery believed to exist there the humbugs about these have been infinitely more absurd more shocking more unreasonable more inhuman more destructive. I can only allude to whole sciences falsely so called which are unmingled humbugs from beginning to end such was alchemy such was magic such was and still is astrology and above all fortune telling but there is a more thorough humbug than any of these enterprises or systems the greatest humbug of all is a man who believes or pretends to believe that everything and everybody are humbugs we sometimes meet a person who professes that there is no virtue that every man has his price and every woman hers that any statement from anybody is just as likely to be false as true and that the only way to decide which is to consider whether truth or a lie was likely to have paid best in that particular case religion he thinks one of the smartest business dodges extant a first rate investment and by all odds the most respectable disguise that lying or swindling businessman can wear honor he thinks is a sham honesty he considers a plausible word to flourish in the eyes of the greener portion of our race as you would hold out a cabbage leaf to coax a donkey what people want he thinks or says he thinks is something good to eat something good to drink fine clothes, luxury, laziness, wealth if you can imagine a hog's mind in a man's body sensual greedy selfish crawl cunning sly course yet stupid short-sighted unreasoning, unable to comprehend anything except what concerns the flesh you have your man he thinks himself philosophic and practical a man of the world he thinks to show knowledge and wisdom penetration deep acquaintance with men and things poor fellow he has exposed his own nakedness instead of showing that others are rotten inside he has proved that he is he claims that it is not safe to believe others it is perfectly safe to disbelieve him he claims that every man will get the better of you if possible let him alone selfishness he says is the universal rule leave nothing to depend on his generosity or honor trust him just as far as you can sling an elephant by the tail a bad world he sneers full of deceit and nastiness it is his own foul breath that he smells only a thoroughly corrupt heart could suggest such vile thoughts he sees only what suits him as a turkey buzzards by his only carrion though amid the loveliest landscape I pronounce him who thus virtually slanders his father and dishonors his mother and defiles the sanctities of home and the glory of patriotism and the merchants honor and the martyrs grave and the saints crown who does not even know that every sham shows that there is a reality and that hypocrisy is a homage that vice pays to virtue I pronounce him no I do not pronounce him a humbug the word does not apply to him he is a fool looked at on one side the history of humbug is truly humiliating to intellectual pride yet the long silly story is less absurd during the later ages of history and grows less and less so in proportion to the spread of real Christianity this religion promotes good sense actual knowledge contentment with what we cannot help and the exclusive use of intelligent means for increasing human happiness and decreasing human sorrow and whenever the time shall come when men are kind and just and honest when they only want what is fair and right judge only on real and true evidence and take nothing for granted then there will be no place left for any humbugs either harmless or hurtful end of chapter 1 chapter 2 of the humbugs of the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Eddie Winter The humbugs of the world by P. T. Barnum Definition of the word humbug Warren of London Jenin the Hatter Gosling's Blacking Chapter 2 Upon a careful consideration of my undertaking to give an account of the humbugs of the world I find myself somewhat puzzled in regard to the true definition of that word to be sure Webster says that humbug as a noun is an imposition under fair pretenses and as a verb it is to deceive to impose upon with all due deference to Dr. Webster I submit that according to present usage this is not the only nor even the generally accepted definition of that term we will suppose for instance that a man with fair pretenses applies to a wholesale merchant for credit on a large bill of goods his fair pretenses comprehend an assertion that he is a moral and religious man a member of the church a man of wealth etc etc it turns out that he is not worth a dollar but is a base lying wretch an imposter and a cheat he is arrested and imprisoned for obtaining property under false pretenses or as Webster says fair pretenses he is punished for his villainy the public do not call him a humbug they very properly term him a swindler a man bearing the appearance of a gentleman in dress and manners purchases property from you and with fair pretenses obtains your confidence you find that when he is left that he pays you with counterfeit banknotes or a forged draft this man is justly called a forger or a counterfeiter and if arrested he is punished as such but nobody thinks of calling him a humbug a respectful looking man sits by your side in an omnibus oral car he converts his fluently and is evidently a man of intelligence and reading he attracts your attention by his fair pretenses arriving at your journey's end you miss your watch and your pocketbook your fellow passenger proves to be the thief everybody calls him a pickpocket and notwithstanding his fair pretenses not a person in the community calls him a humbug two actors appear as stars at two rival theatres they are equally talented equally pleasing one advertises himself simply as a tragedian under his proper name the other boasts that he is a prince and wears decorations presented by all the potentates of the world including the king of the cannibal islands he is correctly set down as a humbug while this term is never applied to the other actor but if the man who boasts of having received a foreign title is a miserable actor and he gets up, gift enterprises and bogus entertainments or pretends to devote the proceeds of his tragic efforts to some charitable object without in fact doing so he is then a humbug in Dr Webster's sense of that word for he is an imposter under fair pretenses two physicians reside in one of our fashionable avenues they are both educated in the best medical colleges each has passed an examination received his diploma and been dubbed an MD they are equally skilled in the healing art one rides quietly about the city in his gig or buffum visiting his patients without noise or clamour the other sell his out in his coach and fore preceded by a band of music and his carriage and horses are covered with handbills and placards announcing his wonderful cures this man is properly called a quack and a humbug why? not because he cheats or imposes upon the public for it is not but because as generally understood humbug consists in putting on glittering appearances outside show novel experience by which to suddenly arrest public attention and attract the public eye and ear clergymen lawyers or physicians who should result to such methods of attracting the public would not for obvious reasons be apt to succeed bankers, insurance agents and others who aspire to become the custodians of the money of their fellow men would require a different species of advertising from this but there are various trades and occupations which need only notoriety to ensure success always providing that when customers are once attracted they never fail to get their money's worth an honest man who thus arrests public attention will be called a humbug but he is not a swindler or an imposter if however after attracting crowd of customers by his unique displays a man foolishly fails to give them a full equivalent for their money they never patronize him a second time but they very properly denounce him as a swindler, a cheat, an imposter they do not however call him a humbug he fails not because he advertises his wares in an altru manner but because after attracting crowds of patrons he stupidly and wickedly cheats them when the great blacking maker of London dispatched his agent to Egypt to write on the pyramids of Giza in huge letters by Warren's blacking 30 strand London he was not cheating travelers upon the Nile his blacking was really a superior article and well worth the price charged for it but he was humbugging the public by his queer way of arresting attention it turned out just as he anticipated that English travelers in that part of Egypt were indignant at this desecration and they wrote back to the London Times every Englishman writes or threatens to write to the Times if anything goes wrong denouncing the Goth who had thus disfigured these ancient pyramids by writing on them in monstrous letters by Warren's blacking 30 strand London the Times published these letters and backed them up by several of those awful grand and dictatorial editorials peculiar to the Great Thundera in which the blacking maker Warren 30 strand was stigmatised as a man who had no respect for the ancient patriarchs and it was hinted that he would probably not hesitate to sell his blacking on the sarcophagus of Pharaoh or any other mummy if he could only make money by it in fact to cap the climax Warren was denounced as a humbug these indignant articles were copied into all the provincial journals and very soon in this manner the columns of every newspaper in Great Britain were teeming with this advice try Warren's blacking 30 strand London the curiosity of the public was thus aroused and they did try it and finding a superior article they continued to purchase it and recommend it to their friends and Warren made a fortune by it he always attributed his success to his having humbugged the public by this unique method of advertising his blacking in Egypt but Warren did not cheat his customers nor practice an imposition under fair pretenses he was a humbug but he was an honest upright man and no one called him an imposter or a cheat when the tickets for Jenny Lynn's first concert in America were sold as auction several businessmen aspiring to notoriety bid high for the first ticket it was finally knocked down to Jenin the Hatter for $225 the journals in Portland, Maine and Houston, Texas and all other journals throughout the United States between these two cities which were connected with the telegraph announced the fact in their columns the next morning probably two million of readers read the announcement and asked who is Jenin the Hatter? Jenin became famous in a day every man involuntarily examined his hat to see if it was made by Jenin and an Iowa editor declared that one of his neighbors discovered the name of Jenin in his old hat and immediately announced the fact to his neighbors in front of the post office it was suggested that the old hat should be sold as auction it was done then and there and the Jenin hat sold for $14 gentlemen from city and country rushed to Jenin's store to buy their hats many of them willing to pay an extra dollar if necessary provided they could get a glimpse of Jenin himself this singular freak put thousands of dollars into the pocket of Jenin the Hatter and yet I never heard it charged that he made poor hats or that he would be guilty of an imposition under fair pretenses on the contrary he's a gentleman of probity and of the first respectability when the laying of the Atlantic telegraph was nearly completed I was in Liverpool I offered the company £1,000 sterling $5,000 for the privilege of sending the first 20 words over the cable to my museum in New York not that there was any intrinsic merit in the words but that I fancied there were more than $5,000 worth of notoriety in the operation but Queen Victoria and Old Buck were ahead of me their messages had the preference and I was compelled to take a back seat but thus illustrating what I believe the public will concede to be the sense in which the word humbug is generally used and understood at the present time in this country as well as in England I do not propose that my letters on this subject shall be narrowed down to that definition of the word on the contrary I expect a treat of various fallacies delusions and deceptions in ancient and modern times which according to Webster's definition may be called humbugs in as much as they were impositions under fair pretenses in writing of modern humbugs however I shall sometimes have occasion to give the names of honest and respectable parties now live in and I felt it but just that the public should fully comprehend my doctrine that a man may by common usage be turned a humbug without by any means impeaching his integrity speaking of blacking makers reminds me that one of the first sensationists in advertising whom I remembered to have seen was Mr. Leonard Gosling known as Monsieur Gosling the great French blacking maker he appeared in New York in 1830 he flashed like a meteor across the horizon and before he had been in the city three months nearly everybody had heard of Gosling's blacking I will remember his magnificent fore in hand a splendid team of bloodbathers with long black towels was managed with such dexterity by Gosling himself who was a great whip that they almost seemed to fly the carriage was emblazoned with the words Gosling's blacking in large gold letters and the whole turnout was so elaborately ornamented and bedisoned that everybody stopped and gazed with wondering admiration a bugle player or a band of music always accompanied the great Gosling and of course helped to attract the public attention to his establishment at the turning of every street corner your eyes rested upon Gosling's blacking from every show window gilded placards discussed eloquently of the merits of Gosling's blacking the newspapers teamed with poems written in its praise and showers of pictorial handbills illustrated almanacs and tinseled souvenirs all loading the virtues of Gosling's blacking smothered you at every point the celebrated originator of delineations Jim Crow Rice made his first appearance at Hamblin's Bowie Theatre at about this time the crowds which sprung there were so great that hundreds from the audience were frequently admitted upon the stage in one of his scenes Rice introduced a negro boot blacking establishment Gosling was too wide awake to let such an opportunity pass unimproved and Rice was paid for singing an original black Gosling ditty while a score of placards bearing the inscription use Gosling's blacking were suspended at different points in this negro boot polishing hole everybody cried Gosling's blacking and it was a really good article his sales in city and country soon became immense Gosling made a fortune in seven years and retired but as with thousands before him it was easy come easy go engaged in a lead mining speculation and it was generally understood that his fortune was in a great measure lost as rapidly as it was made here let me digress in order to observe that one of the most difficult things in life is for men to bear discreetly sudden prosperity unless considerable time and labor are devoted to earning money it is not appreciated by its possessor and having no practical knowledge of the value of money he generally gets rid of it with the same ease that marked its accumulation Mr. Aster gave the experience of thousands when he said that he found more difficulty in earning and saving his first thousand dollars than in accumulating all the subsequent millions which finally made up his fortune the very economy perseverance and discipline which he was obliged to practice as he gained his money dollar by dollar gave him a just appreciation of its value and thus led him into those habits of industry prudence temperance and untiring diligence so conducive and necessary to his future success Mr. Gosling however was not a man to be put down by a single financial reverse he opened a store in Kaniyohari in New York which was burned and on which there was no insurance he came again to New York in 1839 and established a restaurant where by devoting the services of himself and several members of his family assiduously to the business he soon reveled in his form of prosperity and snapped his fingers in glee at what unreflecting persons termed the freaks of dame fortune he is still living in New York hell and hearty at the age of seventy although called a French blacking maker Mr. Gosling is in reality a Dutchman having been born in the city of Amsterdam, Holland he is a father of twenty-four children twelve of whom are still living to cheer him in his declining years and to repay him in grateful attentions for the valuable lessons of prudence integrity and industry through the adoption of which they are honored as respectable and worthy members of society I cannot however permit this chapter to close without recording a protest in principle against that method of advertising of which warrants on the pyramid is an instance not that it is a crime or even an immorality in the usual sense of the words but it is a violent offence against good taste and a selfish and inexcusable destruction of other people's enjoyments no man ought to advertise in the midst of landscapes or scenery in such a way as to destroy or injure their beauty by introducing totally incongruous and relatively vulgar associations too many transactions of the sort have been perpetrated in our own country the principle on which the thing is done is to seek out the most attractive spot possible the wildest, the most lovely and there in the most staring and brazen manner to paint up advertisements of quite medicines rum or as the case may be in letters of monstrous size in the most obtrusive colors in such a prominent place and in such a lasting way as to destroy the beauty of the scene both thoroughly and permanently any man with a beautiful wife or daughter would probably feel disagreeably if he should find branded indelibly across a smooth white forehead or on her snurry shoulder in blue and red letters such a phrase as this try the jigamuri bitters very much like this is the sort of advertising I am speaking of it is not likely that I shall be charged with squirmishness on this question I can readily enough see the selfishness and vulgarity of this particular sort of advertising however it is outrageously selfish to destroy the pleasure of thousands for the sake of a chance of additional gain and it is an atrocious piece of vulgarity to flaunt the names of quack nostrums and of the coarse stimulants of sots among the beautiful scenes of nature the pleasure of such places depends upon their freedom from the associations of everyday concerns and troubles and weaknesses a lovely nook of forest scenery or grand rock like a beautiful woman depends for much of its attractiveness upon the attendant sense of freedom from whatever is low upon a sense of purity and of romance and it is about as nauseous to find bitters or worms up dogged upon the landscape as it would be upon the ladies brawl since writing this I observed that two legislatures those of New Hampshire and New York have passed laws to prevent this dirty misdemeanor it is greatly to their credit and it is in good season for it is matter of wonder that some more colossal vulgarian has not stuck up a sign a mile long on the polysides but it is a matter of thankfulness too at a white mountain as many grand and beautiful views have been spoiled by these nostrum and bedbug sold fellows it is worth noticing that the true fonts of the city of New York the Central Park has thus far remained unviolated by the dirty hands of these vulgar advertisers without knowing anything about it I have no doubt whatever that the commissioners have been approached often by parties desire in the privilege of advertising within its limits among the advertising fraternity it would be thought a gigantic opportunity to be able to flaunt the name of some bug poison flikella, bowel rectifier or disguised rum along the walls of the reservoir upon the delicate stonework of the terrace or the graceful lines of the bow bridge to nail up a tin sign on every other tree to stick one up right in front of every seat to keep a gang of young wretches thrusting pamphlet or handbill into every person's palm that enters the gate to paint a vulgar sign across every grey rock to cut quack words in ditchwork in the smooth green turf of the mall or ball ground I have no doubt that it is the peremptory decision and clear good taste of the commissioners alone which have kept this last retreat of nature within a crowded city from being long ago plastered and daubed with placards, handbills signboards and paint from side to side and from end to end over turf, tree, rock, wall, bridge archway, building and all End of Chapter 2 Chapter 3 of The Humbugs of the World This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Graham Dunlop The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum Monsieur Mangeant The French Humbug Chapter 3 One of the most original, unique and successful humbugs of the present day was the late Monsieur Mangeant the black lead pencil maker of Paris Few persons who have visited the French capital within the last 10 or 12 years can have failed to have seen him and once seen, he was not to be forgotten While passing through the public streets there was nothing in his personal appearance to distinguish him from an ordinary gentleman He drove a pair of bay horses attached to an open carriage with two seats the back one always occupied by his valet Sometimes he would take up his stand in the Champs-Élysées and other times near the column in the Place Vendon But usually he was seen in the afternoon at the Place de la Bastille or the Place de la Madeleine On Sundays his favourite locality was the Place de la Bourse Mangeant was a well-formed and stately looking individual with a most self-satisfied countenance which seemed to say I am master here and all that my auditors have to do is listen and obey Arriving at his destined stopping place his carriage halted His servant handed him a case from which he took several large portraits of himself which he hung prominently upon the sides of his carriage and also placed in front of him The others filled with medals bearing his likeness on one side and a description of his pencils on the other He then leisurely commenced a change of costume His round hat was displaced by a magnificent burnished helmet mounted with rich plumes of various brilliant colours His overcoat was laid aside and he donned in its stead a costly velvet tunic with gold fringes He then drew a pair of polished steel gauntlets upon his hands covered his breast with a brilliant curace and placed a richly mounted sword at his side His servant watched him closely and upon receiving a sign from his master he too put on his official costume which consisted of a velvet robe and a helmet The servant then struck up a tune on the richly toned organ which always formed a part of Mangeant's outfit The grotesque appearance of these individuals and the music soon drew together an admiring crowd Then the great charlatan stood upon his feet His manner was calm, dignified, imposing indeed almost solemn for his face was as serious as that of the chief mourner at a funeral His sharp intelligent eyes scrutinised the throng which was pressing around his carriage until it rested apparently upon some particular individual when he gave his start Then with a dark angry expression as if the sight was repulsive he abruptly dropped the visor of his helmet and thus covered his face from the gaze of the anxious crowd This bit of coquetry produced the desired effect in wetting the appetite of the multitude who were impatiently waiting to hear him speak When he had carried this kind of bi-play as far as he thought the audience would bear it he raised his hand and his servant, understanding the sign, stopped the organ Mangeant then rang a small bell stepped forward to the front of the carriage gave a slight cough indicative of a preparation to speak opened his mouth but instantly giving a more fearful start and assuming a more sudden frown than before he took his seat as if quite overcome by some unpleasant object which his eyes had rested upon thus far he had not spoken a word At last the prelude ended and the comedy commenced Stepping forward again to the front of his carriage where all the gaping crowd could catch every word he exclaimed Gentlemen, you look astonished You seem to wonder and ask yourselves Who is this modern Coyote? What mean this costume of bygone centuries this golden chariot these richly comparison steeds What is the name and purpose of this curious night errant? Gentlemen, I will condescender answer your queries I am Monsieur Mangeant the great charlatan of France Yes gentlemen, I am a charlatan a mounted bank it is my profession not from choice but from necessity You gentlemen created that necessity You would not patronize true unpretending honest merit but you are attracted by my glittering cask my sweeping crest my waving plumes You are captivated by din and glitter and therein lies my strength Years ago I hired a modest shop in the Rue Rivoli but I could not sell pencils enough to pay my rent whereas by assuming this disguise for it is nothing else I have succeeded in attracting general attention and in selling literally millions of my pencils and I assure you there is at this moment scarcely an artist in France or in Great Britain who don't know that I manufacture by far the best black lead pencils ever seen and this assertion was indeed true his pencils were everywhere acknowledged to be superior to any other while he was thus addressing the audience he would take a blank card and with one of his pencils would pretend to be drawing the portrait of some man standing near him then showing his picture to the crowd it proved to be the head of a donkey which of course produced roars of laughter There do you see what wonderful pencils these are did you ever behold a more striking likeness? a hardy laugh would be sure to follow and then he would exclaim now who will have the first pencil only five sous one would buy and then another a third and a fourth would follow and with the delivery of each pencil he would rattle off a string of witticisms which kept his patrons in capital good humour and frequently he would sell from 200 to 500 pencils in immediate succession then he would drop down in his carriage for a few minutes and wipe the perspiration from his face while his servant played another overture on the organ this gave his purchasers a chance to withdraw and afforded a good opportunity for a fresh audience to congregate then would follow a repetition of his previous sales and in this way he would continue for hours to those disposed to have a souvenir of the great humbug he would sell six pencils a medal and a photograph of himself for a front twenty cents after taking a rest he would commence new speech when I was modestly dressed like any of my hearers I was half starved punch in his bells would attract crowds but my good pencils attracted nobody I imitated punch in his bells and now I have 200 depots in Paris I dine at the best cafes drink the best wine live on the best of everything while my defamers get poor and lank as they deserve to be who are my defamers envious swindlers men who try to ape me but are too stupid and too dishonest to succeed they endeavour to attract notices mounty banks and then foist upon the public trash and hope thus to succeed the famers of mine you are fools as well as naifs fools to think that any man can succeed by systematically and persistently cheating the public naifs for desiring the public's money without giving them an equivalent I am an honest man I have no bad habits and I now declare if any trader, inventor, manufacturer or philanthropist will show me better pencils than mine I will give him 1000 francs no not to him for I abhor betting but to the poor of the 31st Arandisimo where I live mangeons, harangues were always accompanied by a peculiar play of feature and of voice and with unique and original gestures which seemed to excite and captivate his audience about 7 years ago I met him in one of the principal restaurants in the Palais Royale a mutual friend introduced me ah said he Monsieur Barnum I am delighted to see you I have read your book with infinite satisfaction it has been published here in numerous editions I see you have the right idea of things your motto is a good one we study to please I have much wanted to visit America not speak English so I must remain in my dear Belle France I remarked that I had often seen him in public and bought his pencils aha you never saw better pencils you know I could never maintain my reputation if I sold poor pencils but sacre bleu my miserable would-be imitators do not know our grand secret first attract the public by din and tinsel by brilliant skyrockets and golden lights then give them as much as possible for their money you are very happy I replied in your manner of attracting the public your costume is elegant your chariot is superb and your valet and music a shorter draw thank you for your compliment Mr. B but I have not forgotten your buffalo hunt your mermaid nor your woolly horse they were a good offset to my rich helmet and sword and gaudy curace both are intended as advertisements of something genuine and both answer the purpose after comparing notes in this way for an hour we parted and his last words were Mr. B I have got a grand humbug in my head which I shall put in practice within a year and it shall double the sale of my pencils don't ask me what it is but within one year you shall see it for yourself and you shall acknowledge Mr. Majan knows something of human nature my idea is magnifique but it is one grand secret I confess my curiosity was somewhat excited and I hope that Mr. Majan would add another wrinkle to my horns but poor fellow within four months after I bade him adieu Paris newspapers announced his sudden death they added that he had left 200,000 francs which he had given in his will to charitable objects the announcement was copied into nearly all of the papers on the continent and in Great Britain for almost everybody had seen or heard of the eccentric pencil maker his death caused many an honest sigh and his absence seemed to cast a gloom over several of his favorite halting places the Parisians really loved him and were proud of his genius well people in Paris would remark Majan was a clever fellow he was shrewd and possessed a thorough knowledge of the world he was a gentleman and a man of intelligence extremely agreeable and witty his habits were good he was charitable he never cheated anybody he always sold a good article and no person who purchased from him had cause to complain I confess I felt somewhat chagrined that the monsieur had thus suddenly taken French leave without imparting to me the grand secret by which he was to double the sales of his pencils but I had not longed to mourn on that account for after monsieur Majan for six months as they say of John Brown mouldering in his grave judge of the astonishment and delight of all Paris at his reappearance in his native city in precisely the same costume and carriage as formally and heralded by the same servant and organ that had always attended him it now turned out that monsieur Majan had lived in the most rigid seclusion for half a year but the extensively circulated announcement of his sudden death had been made by himself merely as an advertising dodge to bring him still more into notice and give the public something to talk about I met Majan in Paris soon after this event aha monsieur Barnum he exclaimed did I not tell you I had a new humbug that would double the sales of my pencils I assure you my sales are more than quadrupled and it's sometimes impossible to have them manufactured fast enough to supply the demand you Yankees are very clever but by God none of you have discovered you should live all the better if you would die for six months it took Majan to teach you that the patronizing air with which he made this speech slapping me at the same time familiarly upon the back showed him in his true character of egotist although good-natured and social to a degree he was really one of the most self-conceited men I ever met Monsieur Majan died the present year and had said that his heirs received more than half a million of Frank's as the fruit of his eccentric labours End of Chapter 3 Chapter 4 of the humbugs of the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Bob Neufeld The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum Personal Reminisances Chapter 4 James C. Adams or Grizzly Adams as he was generally termed having captured so many grizzly bears and encountered such fearful perils by his un-exampled daring was an extraordinary character for many years a hunter and trapper in the Rocky and Sierra Nevada mountains he acquired a recklessness which added to his natural invincible courage rendered him truly one of the most striking men of the age he was emphatically with the English call a man of pluck in 1860 he arrived in New York with his famous collection of California animals captured by himself consisting of 20 or 30 immense grizzly bears at the head of which stood Old Samson now in the American Museum wolves half a dozen other species of bear California lions tigers, buffalo, elk etc. and Old Neptune the great sea lion from the Pacific Old Adams had trained all these monsters so that with him they were as docile as kittens while many of the most ferocious among them would attack a stranger without hesitation if he came within their grasp in fact the training of these animals was no fool's play as Old Adams learned to his cost the terrific blows which he received from time to time while teaching them docility finally cost him his life when Adams and his other wild beasts for he was nearly as wild as any of them arrived in New York he called immediately at the museum he was dressed in his hunter's suit of buckskin trimmed with the skins and bordered with the hanging tails of small rocky mountain animals his cap consisting of the skin of a wolf's head and shoulders from which depended several tails as natural as life and under which appeared his stiff, bushy gray hair and his long white grizzly beard in fact Old Adams was quite as much of a show as his bears they had come around Cape Horn on the clippership Golden Fleece and a sea voyage of three and a half months probably not added much to the beauty or neat appearance of the old bear hunter during our conversation grizzly Adams took off his cap and showed me the top of his head his skull was literally broken in it had on various occasions been struck by the fearful paws of his grizzly students and the last blow from the bear called General Fremont had laid open his brain so that its workings were plainly visible I remarked that I thought that was a dangerous wound and might possibly prove fatal Yes replied Adams that will fix me out it had nearly healed but Old Fremont opened it up for me for the third or fourth time before I left California and he did his business so thoroughly I'm a used up man however I reckon I may live six months or a year yet this was spoken as coolly as if he had been talking about the life of a dog the immediate object of old Adams in calling upon me was this I had purchased one half interest in his California menagerie from a man who had come by way of the isthmus from California and who claimed to own an equal interest with Adams in the show Adams declared that the man had only advanced him some money and did not possess the right to sell half of the concern however the man held a bill of sale for one half of the California menagerie and old Adams finally consented to accept me as an equal partner in the speculation saying that he guessed I could do the managing part and he would show up the animal I obtained a canvas tent and erecting it on the present side of the wallock's theater Adams there opened his novel California menagerie on the morning of opening a band of music preceded a procession of animal cages down Broadway and up the Bowery old Adams dressed in his hunting costume leading the line with a platform wagon on which there were placed three immense grizzly bears two of which he held by chains one of the largest grizzly which stood in the center and was not secured in any manner whatever this was the bear known as General Fremont and so docile had he become that Adams said he had used him as a pack bear to carry his cooking and hunting apparatus through the mountains for six months and had ridden him hundreds of miles but apparently docile as were many of these animals there was not one among them but occasionally give even Adams a sly blow or a sly bite when a good chance offered hence old Adams was but a wreck of his former self and expressed pretty nearly the truth when he said Mr. Barnum, I am not the man I was five years ago then I felt able to stand the hug of any grizzly living and was always glad to encounter single-handedly any sort of an animal that dared present itself but I have been beaten to a jelly torn almost limb from limb and nearly charred up and spit out by these treacherous grizzly bears however I am good for a few months yet and by that time I hope we shall gain enough to make my old woman comfortable for I have been absent from her some years his wife came from Massachusetts to New York and nursed him Johns dressed his wounds every day and not only told Adams he could never recover but assured his friends that probably a very few weeks would lay him in his grave but Adams was as firm as Adamant and as resolute as a lion among the thousands who saw him dressed in his grotesque hunter suit and witnessed the apparent vigor with which he performed the savage monsters beating and whipping them into apparently the most perfect docility probably not one suspected that this rough fierce-looking powerful demi-savage as he appeared to be was suffering intense pain from his broken skull and fevered system and that nothing kept him from stretching himself on his death bed but that most indomitable and extraordinary will of his after the exhibition had been opened six weeks the doctor insisted that Adams should sell out his share in the animals and settle up all his worldly affairs for he assured him that he was growing weaker every day and his earthly existence must soon terminate I shall live a good deal longer than you doctors think for replied Adams doggedly and then seeming after all to realize the truth of the doctor's assertion he turned to me and he said well Mr. B you must buy me out he named his price for his half of the show and I accepted his offer we had arranged to exhibit the bears in Connecticut and Massachusetts during the summer in connection with a circus and Adams insisted that I should hire him to travel for the summer and exhibit the bears in their curious performances offered to go for $60 per week and traveling expenses of himself and wife I replied that I would gladly engage him as long as he could stand it but I advised him to give up business and go to his home in Massachusetts for I remarked you are growing weaker every day and at best cannot stand it more than a fortnight what will you give me extra if I travel and exhibit the bears for two weeks asked old Adams eagerly $500 I replied with a laugh done exclaimed Adams I will do it so brought up an agreement to that effect at once but mind you draw it payable to my wife for I may be too weak to attend a business after the ten weeks are up and if I perform my part of the contract I want her to get the 500 I drew up a contract to pay him $60 per week for his services and if he continued to exhibit the bears for ten consecutive weeks I was then to hand him or his wife $500 extra you have lost your $500 exclaimed Adams on taking the contract for I am bound to live and earn it I hope you may with all my heart in a hundred years more if you desire it I replied call me a fool if I don't earn the $500 exclaimed Adams with a triumphant laugh the show started off in a few days and at the end of a fortnight I met it at Hartford, Connecticut well says I you seem to stand it pretty well I hope you and your wife are comfortable yes he replied with a laugh I may as well try to be comfortable too for your $500 is a goner all right I replied I hope you will grow better every day but I saw by his pale face and other indications that he was rapidly failing in three weeks more I met him again at New Bedford, Massachusetts it seemed to me then that he could not live a week his eyes were glassy and his hands trembled but his pluck was great as ever this hot weather is pretty bad for me he said but my ten weeks are half expired and I am good for your $500 and probably a month or two longer this was said with as much bravado as if he was offering to bet upon a horse race I offered to pay him half of the $500 if he would give up and go home but he peremptorily declined making any compromise whatever I met him the ninth week in Boston he had failed considerably since I last saw him but he still continued to exhibit the bears and chuckled over his almost certain triumph I laughed in return and sincerely congratulated him on his nerve and probable success I remained with him until the tenth week was finished and handed him his $500 he took it with a leer of satisfaction and remarked that he was sorry I was a teetotaler for he would like to stand treat just before the menagerie left New York I had paid $150 for a new hunting suit made of beaver skins similar to the one which Adams had worn this I intended for Herr Driesbach, the animal trainer who was engaged by me to take the place of Adams whenever he should be compelled to give up Adams, on starting from New York asked me to loan this new dress to him to perform in once in a while in a fair day when he had a large audience for his own costume was considerably soiled I did so and now when I handed him his $500 he remarked Mr. B I suppose you are going to give me this new hunting dress oh no I replied I got that for your successor who will exhibit the bears tomorrow besides you have no possible use for it now don't be mean but lend me the dress if you won't give it to me for I want to wear it home to my native village I could not refuse the poor old man anything and I therefore replied well Adams I will lend you the dress but you will send it back to me yes when I have done with it he replied with an evident chuckle of triumph I thought to myself he will soon be done with it and replied that's all right a new idea evidently seized him for with a brightening look of satisfaction he said now Barnum you have made a good thing out of the California menagerie and so have I but you will make a heap more so if you won't give me this new hunter's dress just draw a little writing and sign it saying that I may wear it until I have done with it of course I knew that in a few days at longest he would be done with this world altogether and to gratify him I cheerfully drew and signed the paper come old Yankee I've got you this time see if I ain't exclaimed Adams with a broad grin as he took the paper I smiled and said all right my dear fellow the longer you live the better I shall like it we parted and he went to Nopansett a small town near Boston he lived he took at once to his bed and never rose from it again the excitement had passed away and his vital energies could accomplish no more the fifth day after arriving home the physician told him he could not live until the next morning he received the announcement in perfect calmness and with the most apparent indifference then turning to his wife with a smile requested her to have him buried in the new hunting suit for he said Bonham agreed to let me have it until I have done with it and I was determined to fix his flint this time he shall never see that dress again his wife assured him that his request should be complied with he then sent for the clergyman and they spent several hours in communing together and once told the clergyman he had told some pretty big stories about his bears but he had always endeavored to do the straight thing between man and man I have attended preaching every day Sundays and all, said he for the last six years sometimes an old grizzly gave me the sermon sometimes it was a panther often it was the thunder and lightning the tempest the peaks of the Sierra Nevada or in the gorges of the Rocky Mountains but whatever preached to me it always taught me the majesty of the creator and revealed to me the undying and unchanging love of our kind father in heaven although I am a pretty rough customer continued the dying man I fancy my heart is in about the right place and look with confidence to the blessed Savior for that rest which I so much need and which I have never enjoyed upon earth he then desired the clergyman to pray with him after which he grasped him by the hand thanked him for his kindness and bad him for well in another hour his spirit had taken its flight and it was said by those present that his face lighted up into a smile the last breath escaped him and that smile he carried into his grave almost his last words were won't Barnum open his eyes when he finds I have humbugged him by being buried in his new hunting dress that dress was indeed the shroud in which he was entombed and that was the last on earth of old grizzly Adams the subject of the following sketch can hardly be classed under the head of humbugs he was an original genius and a knowledge of some of his prominent traits seems appropriate in connection with one or two other passages of this book End of Chapter 4 Chapter 5 of the humbugs of the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Magdalena Cook The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum The Golden Pigeons Grizzly Adams German Chemist Happy Family and French Naturalist Chapter 5 Old Grizzly Adams was quite candid when in his last hours he confessed to the clergyman that he had told some pretty large stories about his bears were Adams' besetting sin to hear him talk one would suppose that he had seen and handled everything ever read or heard of in fact according to his story California contained specimens of all things animate and inaminate to be found in any part of the globe he talked glibly about California lions California tigers California leopards California hyenas California camels and California hippopotamia he furthermore declared he had on one occasion seen a California elephant at a great distance but it was very shy and he would not permit himself to doubt that California giraffes existed somewhere in the neighborhood of the tall trees I was anxious to get a chance of exposing to Adams his weak point and of showing him the absurdity of telling such ridiculous stories a fit occasion soon presented itself one day while engaged in my office at the museum a man with machetonic features and accent approached the door and asked if I would like to buy a pair of living golden pigeons yes I replied I would like a flock of golden pigeons if I could buy them for their weight in silver for there are no golden pigeons in existence unless they are made from the pure metal you shall see some golden pigeons alive he replied at the same time entering my office and closing the door after him he then removed the lid from a small basket which he carried in his hand and sure enough there were snugly in scones to pair a beautiful living rough-necked pigeons as yellow as saffron and as bright as a double eagle fresh from the mint I confess I was somewhat staggered at this site and quickly asked the man where those birds came from a dull lacy smile crawled over the sober face of my German visitor as replied in a slow guttural tone of voice I didn't think yourself catching his meaning I quickly answered I think it is a humbug of course I know you will say so because you force us such things better as any man living so I shall not try to humbug you I have coloured them myself on further inquiry I learned that this German was a chemist and that he possessed the art of colouring birds any hue decide and yet retain a natural gloss on the feathers which gave every shade the appearance of reality I can paint a green pigeon or a blue pigeon a grey pigeon or a black pigeon a brown pigeon or a pigeon half blue and half green said the German and if you prefer it I can paint them pink or purple or give you a little of each colour and make you a rainbow pigeon the rainbow pigeon did not strike me as particularly desirable but thinking here was a good chance to catch grizzly atoms I bought the pair of golden pigeons for $10 and sent them up to the happy family marked golden pigeons from California Mr. Taylor the great pacificator who has charge of the happy family soon came down in a state of perspiration really Mr. Barnum said he I could not think of putting those elegant golden pigeons into the happy family they are too valuable a bird they might get injured they are by far the most beautiful pigeons I ever saw and as they are so rare they would not jeopardize their lives for anything well I replied you may put them in a separate cage properly labelled Monsieur Griller do the naturalist and taxidermist of the museum has been attached to that establishment since the year it was founded 1810 he is a Frenchman and has read everything upon natural history that was ever published in his own or in the English language he is now 75 years old but as lively as a cricket and takes as much interest in natural history as he ever did when he saw the golden pigeons from California he was considerably astonished he examined them with great delight for half an hour expatiating upon their beautiful color and their near resemblance with every feature brought to the American roughneck pigeon he soon came to my office and said Mr. B those golden pigeons are superb but they cannot be from California Audubon mentions no such bird in his work upon American ornithology I told him he had better take Audubon home with him that night and perhaps by studying him attentively he would see occasion to change his mind the next day the old naturalist called at my office and remarked Mr. B those pigeons are a more rare bird than you imagine they are not mentioned by Linnaeus Curvia, Goldsmith or any other writer on natural history as I have been able to discover I expect they must have come from some unexplored portion of Australia never mind I replied we may get more light on the subject perhaps before long we will continue to labour them California pigeons until we can fix their nativity elsewhere the next morning Ulgrisley Adams whose exhibition of bears was then opened in 14th street happened to be passing through the museum when his eyes fell on the golden California pigeons he looked a moment and doubtless admired he soon after came to my office Mr. B said he you must let me have those California pigeons I can't spare them I replied but you must spare them all the birds and animals from California ought to be together you own half of my California menagerie and you must lend me those pigeons Mr. Adams they are too rare and valuable a bird they are just about in that manner besides I expect they will attract considerable attention here oh don't be a fool replied Adams rare bird indeed why they are just as common in California as any other pigeon I could have brought a hundred of them from San Francisco if I had thought of it but why did you not think of it I asked with a suppressed smile because they are so common there said Adams I did not think they would be any curiosity here I had seen them in pigeon pies hundreds of times and shot them by the thousand I was ready to burst with laughter to see how readily Adams swallowed the bait but maintaining the most rigid gravity I replied oh well Mr. Adams if they are really so common in California you had probably better take them and you may write over and have half a dozen pairs sent to me for the museum alright said Adams I will send over to a friend in San Francisco and you shall have them here in a couple of months I told Adams that for certain reasons I would prefer to change the labels so as to have it read golden pigeons from Australia well call them what you like replied Adams I suppose they are probably about as plenty in Australia as they are in California I fancied I could discover a sly smile lurking in the eye of the old bear hunter as he made this reply the pigeons were labeled as I suggested and this is how it happened that the bridge that was called Non-Believing Lady mentioned in the next chapter was so much attracted as to solicit some of their eggs in order to perpetuate the species in old Connecticut six or eight weeks after this incident I was in the California Menagerie and noticed that the golden pigeons had assumed a frightful mottled appearance their feathers had grown out and they were half white Adams had been so busy with his bears that he had not noticed the change I came up to the pigeon cage and remarked Mr. Adams I fear you will lose your golden pigeons they must be very sick I observe they are turning quite pale Adams looked at them a moment with astonishment then turning to me and seeing that I could not suppress a smile he indignantly exclaimed blast the golden pigeons you had better take them back to the museum you can't humbug me with your painted pigeons this was too much and I left till I cried to witness the mixed look of astonishment and vexation which marked the grizzly features of old Adams these golden pigeons I remarked are very common in California I think I heard you say when do you expect my half dozen pairs will arrive you go to thunder your old humbug replied Adams as he marched off indignantly and soon disappeared behind the cages of his grizzly bears from that time Adams seemed to be more careful about telling his large stories perhaps he was not cured altogether of his habit but he took particular pains when making marvellous statements to have them of such a nature that they could not be disproved so easily as was that regarding the golden California pigeons End of Chapter 5 Chapter 6 of the humbugs of the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The humbugs of the world by P. T. Barnum Chapter 6 the whale, the angelfish and the golden pigeon if the fact could be definitely determined I think it would be discovered that in this wide awake country there are more persons humbugged by believing too little than too much many persons have such a horror of being taken in or such an elevated opinion of their own acuteness that they believe everything to be a sham and in this way are continually humbugging themselves several years since I purchased a living white whale captured near Labrador and succeeded in placing it in good condition in a large tank 50 feet long and supplied with salt water in the basement of the American Museum I was obliged to light the basement with gas and that frightened the sea monster to such an extent that he kept at the bottom of the tank except when he was compelled to stick his nose above the surface in order to breathe or blow and then down he would go again as quick as possible visitors would sometimes stand for half an hour watching in vain to get a look at the whale for although he could remain under water only about two minutes at a time he would happen to appear in some unlooked-for quarter of the huge tank and before they could all get a chance to see him he would be out of sight again some impatient and incredulous persons after waiting ten minutes which seemed to them an hour would sometimes exclaim oh humbug, I don't believe there is a whale here at all this incredulity often put me out of patience and I would say ladies and gentlemen there is a living whale in the tank he is frightened by the gaslight and by visitors but he is obliged to come to the surface every two minutes and if you will watch sharply you will see him I'm sorry we can't make him dance a hornpipe and do all sorts of wonderful things at the word of command but if you will exercise your patience longer I assure you the whale will be seen at considerably less trouble than it would be to go to Labrador expressly for that purpose this would usually put my patrons in good humor but I was often myself vexed at the persistent stubbornness of the whale in not calmly floating on the surface for the gratification of my visitors one day a sharp Yankee lady and her daughter from Connecticut called at the museum I knew them well and in answer to their inquiry for the locality of the whale I directed them to the basement half an hour afterward they called at my office and the acute mother in a half-confidential serial comic whisper said Mr. B. it's astonishing to what a number of purposes the ingenuity of us Yankees has applied in Dear Rubber I asked her meaning and was soon informed that she was perfectly convinced that it was an India rubber whale worked by steam and machinery by means of which he was made to rise to the surface of short intervals and puff with the regularity of a pair of bellows from her earnest confident manner I saw it would be useless to attempt to disabuse her mind on that subject I therefore very candidly acknowledged that she was quite too sharp for me and I must plead guilty to the imposition but I begged her not to expose me for I assured her that she was the only person who had discovered the trick it was worth more than a dollar to see with what a smile of satisfaction she received the assurance that nobody else was as shrewd as herself and the patronizing manner in which she bade me be perfectly tranquil for the secret should be considered by her as strictly confidential was decidedly rich she evidently received double her money's worth in the happy reflection that she could not be humbugged and that I was terribly humiliated in being detected through her marvelous powers of discrimination I occasionally meet the good lady and always try to look a little sheepish but she invariably assures me that she has never divulged my secret and never will on another occasion a lady equally shrewd who lives neighbor to me in Connecticut after regarding for a few minutes the golden-angle fish swimming in one of the aquaria abruptly addressed me with you can't humbug me, Mr. Barnum that fish is painted nonsense said I with the love this thing is impossible I don't care I know it is painted it is as plain as can be but my dear Mrs. H paint would not adhere to a fish while in the water and if it would it would kill him besides I added with an extra serious air we never allow humbugging here oh here is just a place to look for such things she replied with a smile and I must say I more than half believe that angle fish is painted she was finally nearly convinced of her error and left in the afternoon of the same day I met her in old items California menagerie she knew that I was part proprietor of that establishment and seeing me in conversation with grisly Adams she came up to me in some haste and with her eyes glistening with excitement she said oh Mr. B I never saw anything so beautiful as those elegant golden pigeons from Australia I want you to secure some of their eggs for me and let my pigeons hatch them at home I should price them beyond all measure oh you don't want golden Australian pigeons I replied they are painted no they are not painted said she with a laugh but I have things the angle fish is I could not control myself at the curious coincidence and I roared with laughter while I replied now Mrs. H I never let joke be spoiled even if it serves to expose my own secrets I assure you upon honour that the golden Australian pigeons as they are labeled are really painted and that in their natural state they are nothing more nor less than the common rough-necked white American pigeons and it was a fact how they happen to be exhibited under that our furious disguise was owing to an amusing circumstance explained in another chapter suffice it at present to say that Mrs. H to this day blushes to her eyebrows whenever an illusion is made angel fish or golden pigeons End of Chapter 6 The World by P. T. Barnum Personal Reminiscences Chapter 7 Pease's Whorehound Candy The Door Rebellion The Philadelphia Alderman In the year 1842 a new style of advertising appeared in the newspapers and in handbills which arrested public attention at once on account of its novelty the thing advertised was an article called Pease's Whorehound Candy a very good specific for coughs and colds it was put up in 25 cent packages and was eventually sold wholesale and retail in enormous quantities Mr. Pease's system of advertising was one which I believe originated with him in this country although many have practiced it since but of course with less success for imitations seldom succeed Mr. Pease's plan was to seize upon the most prominent topic of interest and general conversation and discourse eloquently upon that topic in 50 to 100 lines of a newspaper column then glide off gradually into a panagyric of Pease's Whorehound Candy the consequence was every reader was misled by the caption and commencement of his article and thousands of persons had Pease's Whorehound Candy in their mouths long before they had seen it it was next to impossible to take up a newspaper and attempt to read the legitimate news of the day without stumbling upon a package of Pease's Whorehound Candy the reader would often feel vexed to find that after reading a quarter of a column of interesting news upon the subject uppermost in his mind he was trapped into the perusal of one of Pease's Whorehound Candy advertisements although inclined sometimes to throw down the newspaper in disgust he would generally laugh at the talent displayed by Mr. Pease and thus captivating and capturing the reader the result of all this would generally be a trial of the Candy on the first premonitory symptoms of a cough or influenza the degree to which this system of advertising has since been carried has rendered it a bore and a nuisance the usual result of almost any great or original achievement is the production of a shoal of brainless imitators useful nor ornamental in the same year that Pease's Whorehound Candy appeared upon the commercial and newspaper horizon the governor door rebellion occurred in Rhode Island as many will remember this rebellion caused a great excitement throughout the country citizens of Rhode Island took up arms against each other and it was feared by some that a bloody civil war would ensue at about this time a municipal election was to come off in the city of Philadelphia the two political parties were pretty equally divided there and there were some special causes why this was regarded as an unusually important election its near approach caused more excitement in the Quaker City than had been witnessed there since the preceding presidential election the party leaders began to lay their plans early and the wire pullers on both sides were unusually busy in their vocation at the head of the Ravel upon which one of the parties depended for many votes was a drunken and profane fellow whom we will call Tom Simmons Tom was great at electioneering and stump spouting in bar rooms and rum caucuses and his party always looked to him at each election to stir up the subterranians with a long pole and a whiskey jug at the end of it the exciting election which was now to come off from mayor and alderman of the good city of brotherly love soon brought several of the ring to Tom now Tom said the head wire puller this is going to be a close election and we want you to spare neither talent nor liquor in a rousing up and bringing to the polls every voter within your influence well squire replied Tom carelessly I've concluded I won't bother myself with this election it don't pay don't pay exclaimed the frightened politician why Tom are you not a true friend to your party haven't you always been on hand at the primary meetings knocked down interlopers and squelched every man who talked about conscience or who refused to support regular nominations and both the entire clean ticket straight through and as for pay haven't you always been supplied with money enough to treat all doubtful voters and in fact float them up to the polls in an ocean of whiskey I confess Tom I am almost petrified with astonishment at witnessing your present indifference to the alarming crisis in which our country and our party are involved in which nothing on earth can avert except our success in the coming election old tell it to the marine said Tom we never yet had an election that there wasn't a crisis and yet whichever party gained we somehow managed to live through it crisis or no crisis in fact my curiosity got a little excited and I would like to see this crisis that is such a bugaboo at every election so trot out your crisis let us see how it looks besides talking of pay I acknowledge the whiskey and that is all while I and my companions lifted you and your companions into fat offices that enabled you to roll in your carriages and live on the fat of the land we got nothing or at least next to nothing all we got was well we got drunk now squire I will go for the other party this election if you don't give me an office give you an office exclaimed the squire raising his hands and rolling his eyes and utter amazement why Tom what office do you want I want to be alderman replied Tom and I can control votes enough to turn the election either way and if our party don't gratefully remember my past services and give me my reward to other party will be glad to run me on their ticket and over I go the gentleman of the ring saw by Tom's firmness and clenched teeth that he was eligible that his principles like those of too many others consisted of loaves and fishes they therefore consented to put Tom's name on the municipal ticket and the worst part of the story is he was elected in very short time Tom was duly installed into the aldermanic chair and opening his office on a prominent corner he was soon doing a thriving business he was generally occupied throughout the day and sitting as a judge in cases of book debt and promissory notes which were brought before him for various small sums ranging from two to five six eight and ten dollars he would frequently dispose of 30 or 40 of these cases in a day and as imprisonment for debt was permitted at that time the poor defendants would shin around and make any sacrifice almost rather than go to jail the enormous costs went into the conspicuous pocket of the alderman and this dignitary as a natural sequence waxed fat and saucy exemplifying the truth of the adage put a beggar on horseback etc as the alderman grew rich he became overbearing headstrong and dictatorial he began to fancy that he monopolized the concentrated wisdom of his party and that his words should be law not a party caucus or a political meeting could be held without witnessing the vulgar and profane harangues of the self conceded alderman Tom Simmons as he was one of the ring his fingers were in all the pickings and steelings he kept his family coach and in his general swagger exhibited all the peculiarities of high life below stairs but after Tom had disgraced his office for two years a state election took place and the other party was successful among the first laws which they passed after the convening of the legislature was one declaring that from that date imprisonment for debt should not be permitted in the state of Pennsylvania for any sum less than ten dollars this enactment of course knocked away the chief prop which sustained the alderman and when the news of its passage reached Philadelphia Tom was the most indignant man that had been seen there for some years standing in front of his office the next morning surrounded by several of his political chums Tom exclaimed do you see what them infernal Tories have done down there at Harrisburg they have been and passed an outrageous oppressive barbarous and unconstitutional law a pretty idea indeed if a man can't be put a debtor in jail for a less sum than ten dollars how am I going to support my family I should like to know if this law is allowed to stand I tell you gentlemen this law is unconstitutional and you will see blood running in our streets if them Tory scoundrels try to carry it out his friends laugh for they saw that Tom was reasoning from his pocket instead of his head and as he almost foamed at the mouth in his impotent wrath they could not suppress a smile oh you may laugh gentlemen you may laugh but you will see it our party will never disgrace itself of permitting the Tories to rob them of their rights by passing unconstitutional laws and I say the sooner we come to blood the better at this moment a gentleman stepped up addressing the alderman said alderman I want to bring a case of book debt before you this morning how much is your claim asked Tom four dollars replied the rum seller for such he proved to be and his debt was for drinks chalked up against one of his customers you can't have your four dollars sir replied the excited alderman you are robbed of your four dollars sir them legislative Tories at Harrisburg sir have cheated you out of your four dollars sir take to say sir that fifty thousand honest men in Philadelphia have been robbed of their four dollars by these bloody Tories and their cursed unconstitutional law ah gentlemen you will see blood running in our streets before you are a month older a laugh oh you may laugh but you will see it see if you don't a news boy was just passing by here boy give me the morning ledger said the alderman at the same time taking the paper and handing the boy a penny let us see what them blasted cowboys are doing down at Harrisburg now ah what is this reading blood blood blood aha laugh will you gentlemen here it is reads blood blood blood the doorites have got possession of Providence the military are called out father is arrayed against father and son against son but is already running in our streets now laugh will you gentlemen blood is running in the streets of Providence blood will be running in the streets of Philadelphia before we are a fortnight older the Tories of Providence and the Tories of Harrisburg must answer for this blood for they and their unconstitutional proceedings are the cause of its flowing let us see the rest of this tragic scene reads is there any remedy for this dreadful state of things Alderman of course not except to hang every rascal of them for trampling on our glorious constitution reads is there any remedy for this dreadful state of things yes there is Alderman oh there is is there what is it let me see reads by two packages of pieces or hound candy blast the infernal ledger exclaimed the now doubly incensed and indignant Alderman throwing the paper upon the pavement with the most ineffable disgust amid the shouts and heralds of a score of men who by this time had gathered around the excited Alderman Simmons as I before remarked the candy was a very good article for the purposes for which it was made and as peas was an indefatigable man as well as a good advertiser he soon acquired a fortune Mr. peas junior is now living in affluence in Brooklyn and is bringing up a happy family to enjoy the fruits of his industry probity good habits and genius the humbug in this transaction of course consisted solely in the manner of advertising there was no humbug or deception about the article manufactured and of chapter seven chapter eight of the humbugs of the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Leanne Howlett the humbugs of the world by P.T. Barnum Brandrith's Pills chapter eight Brandrith's Pills magnificent advertising power of imagination in the year eighteen thirty four Dr. Benjamin Brandrith commenced advertising in the city of New York Brandrith's Pills specially recommended to purify the blood his office consisted of a room about ten feet square located in what was then known as the Sun Building an edifice ten by forty feet situated at the corner of Spruce and Nassau streets where the Tribune is now published his factory was at his residence in Hudson Street he put up a large guilt sign over the Sun office five or six feet wide by the length of the building which attracted much attention as at that time it was probably the largest sign in New York that Brandrith had great faith in his Pills and I believe not without reason for multitudes of persons soon became convinced of the truth of his assertions that all diseases arise from impurity or imperfect circulation of the blood and by purgation with Brandrith's Pills all disease may be cured but great and reasonable as might have been the faith of Dr. Brandrith in the efficacy of his Pills his faith in the potency of advertising was equally strong hence he commenced advertising largely in the Sun newspaper paying at least $5,000 to that paper alone for his first year's advertisements that may not seem a large sum in these days when parties have been known to pay more than $5,000 for a single day's advertising in the leading journals but at the time Brandrith started his was considered the most liberal newspaper advertising of the day advertising is to a genuine article what manure is to land it largely increases the product thousands of persons may be reading your advertisement while you were eating or sleeping or attending to your business hence public attention is attracted new customers come to you and if you render them a satisfactory equivalent for their money they continue to patronize you and recommend you to their friends at the commencement of his career Dr. Brandrith was indebted to Mr. Moses Y. Beech proprietor of the New York Sun for encouragement and means of advertising but this very advertising soon caused his receipts to be enormous although the pills were about $0.25 per box they were soon sold to such a great extent that tons of huge cases filled with the purely vegetable pill were sent from the new and extensive manufacturing every week as his business increased so in the same ratio did he extend his advertising the doctor engaged at one time a literary gentleman to attend under the supervision of himself solely to the advertising department column upon column of advertisements appeared in the newspapers in the shape of learned and scientific pathological dissertations the very reading of which would attempt a poor mortal to rush for a box of brandrith's pills according to the advertisement that nobody ever had or ever would have pure blood until from one to a dozen boxes of the pills had been taken as purifiers the ingenuity displayed in concocting these advertisements was superb and was probably hardly equal by that required to concoct the pills no pain, ache, twinge or other sensation good, bad or indifferent ever experienced by a member of the human family but was the most irrefragable evidence of the impurity of the blood and it would have been blasphemy to have denied the self-evident theory that all diseases arise from impurity or imperfect circulation of the blood and that by purgation with brandrith's pills all disease may be cured the doctor claims that his grandfather first manufactured the pills in 1751 I suppose this may be true at all events no living man will be apt to testify to the contrary here is an extract from one of doctor brandrith's early advertisements which will give an idea of his style what has been longest known has been most considered and what has been most considered is best understood the life of the flesh is in the blood Leviticus 22 2 bleeding reduces the vital powers brandrith's pills increase them so in sickness never be bled especially in dizziness and apoplexy but always use brandrith's pills the laws of life are written upon the face of nature the tempest, whirlwind and thunderstorm bring help from the solitudes of God the tides are the daily agitators and purifiers of the mighty world of waters what these providential means and purifiers of the atmosphere or air brandrith's pills are to man the splendid system of advertising and the almost reckless outlay which was required to keep it up challenged the admiration of the business community in the course of a few years his office was enlarged and so being too small he took the store 241 Broadway and also opened a branch at 187 Hudson street the doctor continued to let his advertising keep pace with his patronage and he was finally in the year 1836 compelled to remove his factory to sing sing where such perfectly incredible quantities of brandrith's pills have been manufactured and sold that it would hardly be safe to give the statistics suffice it to say that the only humbug which I suspect in connection with the pills was the very harmless and unobjectionable method of advertising them and as the doctor amassed a great fortune by their manufacture this very fact is prima facie evidence that the pill was a valuable purgative a funny incident occurred to me in connection with this great pill in the year 1836 while I was traveling through the states of Alabama Mississippi and Louisiana I became convinced by reading doctor brandrith's advertisements that I needed his pills indeed I there read the proof that every symptom that I experienced either in imagination or in reality rendered their extensive consumption absolutely necessary to preserve my life I purchased a box of brandrith's pills in Columbus Mississippi the effect was miraculous of course it was just what the advertisement told me it would be in tuscaloosa Alabama I purchased half a dozen boxes they were all used up before my perambulating show reached vicksburg Mississippi and I was a confirmed disciple of the blood theory there I laid in a dozen boxes in natchez I made a similar purchase in new Orleans where I remain several months I was a profitable customer and had become thoroughly convinced that the only real greenhorns in the world were those who preferred meat or bread to brandrith's pills I took them morning noon and night in fact the advertisements announced that one could not take too many for if one box was sufficient to purify the blood 11 extra boxes would have no injurious effect I arrived in New York in June 1838 and by that time I had become such a firm believer in the efficacy of brandrith's pills that I hardly stopped long enough to speak with my family before I hastened to the principal office of Dr. brandrith the greatest public benefactor of the age I found the doctor at home and introduced myself without ceremony I told him my experiences he was delighted I next heartily endorsed every word stated in his advertisements he was not surprised for he knew the effects of his pills were such as I described still he was elated in having another witness whose extensive experiments with his pills were so eminently satisfactory the doctor and myself were both happy he in being able to do so much good to mankind I in being the recipient of such untold benefits through his valuable discovery at last the doctor chanced to say that he wondered how I happened to get his pills in natchez for he said I have no agent there as yet oh I replied I always bought my pills at the drug stores good heavens exclaimed the doctor then they are were all counterfeits vile impositions poisonous compounds I never sell a pill to a drugist I never permit an apothecary to handle one of my pills but they counterfeit them by the bushel the unprincipled heartless murderous imposters I need not say I was surprised was it possible then my imagination had done all this business and that I had been cured by poisons which I suppose were brandress pill I confess I laughed heartily and told the doctor that after all it seemed the counterfeits were as good as the real pills provided the patient had sufficient faith the doctor was puzzled as well as vexed but an idea struck him that soon enabled him to recover his usual equanimity I'll tell you what it is said he those southern drugists have undoubtedly obtained the pills from me under false pretenses they have pretended to be planters and have purchased pills from me in large quantities for use on the plantations and then they have retailed the pills from their drug shops I laughed at this shrewd suggestion and remarked this may be so but I guess my imagination did the business the doctor was uneasy but he asked me as a favor to bring him one of the empty pillboxes which I had brought from the south the next day I complied with his request and I will do the doctor justice to say that on comparison it proved as he had suspected the pills were genuine and although he had advertised that no drugists should sell them they were so popular that drugists found it necessary to get them by hook or by crook and the consequence was I had the pleasure of a glorious laugh and Dr. Brandrith experienced a great scare the doctor made his pile long ago although he still devotes his personal attention to the entirely vegetable and innocent pills whose life-giving power no pen can describe in 1849 the doctor was elected president of the village of Sing Sing New York where he still resides and was re-elected to the same office for seven consecutive years in the same year he was elected to the New York State Senate and in 1859 he was again elected Dr. Brandrith is a liberal man and a pleasant entertaining and edifying companion he deserves all the success he has ever received long may he wave End of chapter 8 Recording by Leanne Howlett