basketball was my first identifiable passion. I fell in love with the game when I was five or six years old and I'm so thankful that four decades later basketball is still a major staple in my life so having grown up in this basketball bubble especially in the training space I had always heard this urban legend of how insanely intense Kobe's individual workouts are so the fact that I was on camp staff I figured this was my chance and this was my shot so my earliest opportunity as soon as I got to camp I went up and asked him if I could watch one of his workouts and he was incredibly gracious and he smiled and he said sure man that's no problem I'm going tomorrow at four and I got a little bit confused because I had just got done looking through the camp schedule and the camp schedule clearly said that the first workout with the players was the following day at 3.30 and Kobe recognized the confused look on my face and he clarified that with a yeah that's 4 a.m. well as you guys know there's not really a legitimate excuse in the world on why you can't be somewhere at four in the morning at least not in an excuse that a guy like Kobe Bryant's going to accept so I basically committed myself to being there and I figured if I was going to be there anyway I may as well try and leave my mark I may as well show Kobe how serious of a young trainer I was so I came up with the plan to beat him to the gym so I set my alarm for 3 a.m. the alarm goes off I quickly jump up I get myself dressed I hop in a cab and I head to the gym and of course when I arrive it's 3.30 in the morning so it's pitch black outside and yet the moment I step out of the cab I can see that the gym lights already on even from the parking lot I can faintly hear a ball bouncing and sneakers squeaking I walk in the side door Kobe's already in a full sweat see he was going through an intense warm-up before his scheduled workout with his trainer started at 4 not a professional courtesy I didn't say anything to him I didn't say anything to his trainer I just sat down to watch and for the first 45 minutes I was shocked for the first 45 minutes I watched the best player on the planet do the most basic footwork and offensive moves he was doing stuff that I guarantee you've already taught to middle school-age players but let's not get it twisted this is Kobe Bryant so he was doing everything in an unparalleled level of intensity and he was doing everything with surgical precision but the drills in the footwork he was actually doing was incredibly basic now his whole workout lasted a few hours and again when it was over I didn't say anything to him I didn't say anything to his trainer I just quietly left but my young curiosity kept gnawing away at me and eventually got the best of me because I had to know so later that day at camp I went up to him and said Kobe I don't get it you're the best player in the world why are you doing such basic drills and once again he was incredibly gracious and he flashed that million-dollar smile but he said in all seriousness why do you think I'm the best player in the world because I never get bored with the basics I never get bored with the basics Kobe Bryant on the Mount Rushmore of players and someone that is truly mastered his craft said his secret is the fact that he never gets bored with the basics for me that was a life-changing pivotal moment because it taught me that just because something is basic well it doesn't mean that it's easy if it was easy everyone would already be doing it and as you all know and more importantly as your players are often misfed they're told that it's okay to skip steps they're told that it's okay to circumvent the process your players are constantly being told to be on the search for what's hot what's flashy what's new and what's sexy and ignore what's basic but you all as coaches know the basics work they always have and they always will and the very first step to improving performance in any area of your life it doesn't matter if this is something in your personal life or professional life doesn't matter if it's something for you individually or collectively with your team the first step is to actually admit that the basics work but it's also having the humility to acknowledge that implementing the basics consistently every single day is never ever going to be easy now I'm here for one reason and one reason only that's to pour into you guys that's to add value to your lives and give you some practical and applicable strategies that you can implement immediately to be the best coaches that you're capable of but also to make sure that you can help transform your players and pour these things into your players I'm going to share with you things like how you can identify a performance gap show you the importance of learning how to be in the present moment and be where your feet are and one of the most important that I learned from and I don't believe coach Jones is here yet but coach Jones at DeMatha taught me the importance of moving on to the next play that no matter what happens whether it's in your life or on the court in order for you to be mentally strong and in order for you to perform at your highest level no matter what happens you always have to focus on and move to the next play but to show my appreciation for the basics I want to make sure that we're all on the same page when it comes to the most basic component of coaching and that's relationships in essence basketball is simply your platform it's your it's the canvas at which you paint all of you are in the relationship business and there are three relationships in particular that will determine your success as a coach and your impact and your influence as a coach and as a leader and I'll give them to you now and then we'll unpack them the first is the relationship that you have with yourself the second is the relationship that you have with your colleagues and co-workers your staff and then the third and usually the most obvious is the relationship that you have with your players so let's unpack each of those briefly the one that most coaches unfortunately forget about is the relationship you have with yourself but that's a dangerous trap because that's the foundation to which the rest of the house is built so some rhetorical questions for you to reflect upon this weekend do you have high self-awareness do you have high self-discipline when you make a mistake which you will because you're a human being and you're fallible and you were a coach do you have self-acceptance can you move on to the next play when you make a mistake that's part of the relationship with yourself but an equally important part is are you making the time to fill your own bucket first mentally physically emotionally and spiritually if appropriate are you making the time to fill your bucket first there's an old adage that's been around a lot longer than I've been around that says you can't pour anything out of an empty cup which means if your cup your cup is empty mentally physically and emotionally then you're not able to pour into your players you're not able to pour into your staff at least not to the degree that you're capable of so filling your bucket first is actually done in service of your players and your staff they're counting on you to do that see you when you decide to coach and it doesn't matter what level you coach when you're signing to coach when you are signing up to coach you're basically agreeing to the unwritten rule that you will show up every single day as the best version of yourself you owe that to your players and you owe that to your staff so you have to make the time to become the best version of yourself because these people are counting on you and this may sound really counterintuitive but you showing up to practice or to a workout or tour game less than the best version of yourself is actually an act of selfishness I know you expected of your players if you had a player that didn't get good sleep didn't eat breakfast didn't go in and get their treatment and do their corrective exercises didn't come early to do their warm-up didn't take care of their academia if they didn't do all of those things I promise you you would label them a selfish player because they're not doing what they need to do to be the best versions of themselves to make the team successful so we have to make sure as coaches we don't fall into that same trap and I truly believe I mean my heart goes out to coaches I love you guys as much as any group on the planet because of the altruistic nature of what you do you guys are servant leaders by definition your lives in your vocations are designed to pour into other human beings and I have so much admiration and respect for that but just make sure you're pouring into yourself first because it's the only way you can do those things to the highest level next is the relationship that you have with your staff this is something I learned from J. Billis he taught me this very early and that is to be the type of teammate that you want to play with and that was probably great advice when you were players but I want you to make sure you can extrapolate that now I want you to think right now if you are a head coach I want you to think and you can do this over the weekend I want you to think of the list of traits of the best head coaches that you've ever been around or head coaches that you've ever worked for and once you have that list then do those things if that's what you expect others to do then that's what you need to make sure you do same thing if you're an assistant just imagine if tomorrow you got hired for a head coaching position what would you look for in an assistant what would be important to you when hiring an assistant and then do those things now don't wait be the type of coach that you want to coach with and that you'd want to coach for now if you are a head coach it's really important that you are constantly pouring into and developing your assistance you need to sit down and talk to them ask them what are their goals many of them probably have the goal of being a head coach at some point not all of them but many of them probably do and that's important that you know that because there are things are there things that you can do to take friction away from that journey are there things you can do to pour into them and to empower them to make their job of becoming a head coach maybe easier than it was for you sending the elevator back down when you reach the penthouse is incredibly important so make sure you're pouring into your assistance if you are an assistant right now I want you to think of all of the things that you can do to make your head coach's life as easy as possible that is your number one job as an assistant is to make the head coach's job as easy as possible and it's one thing to do all of the things that they ask you to do but if you want to be one of the best assistant coaches on the planet be proactive and start doing things before they ask you to do it don't wait for them to tell you to sweep the floor before practice starts just do it think if I was a head coach what things would I want my assistants to do and then start doing those things it's all about service it's all about pouring in if you're an assistant to your head coach and if you're in a head coach pouring in to your assistants and then the third is the relationship that you have with your players and that's indeed what it needs to be it needs to be a solid connected trust-built relationship and you can only establish that by creating that type of connection do your players know unequivocally that you care about them as a human being first and a basketball player second if you want to get the most out of them on the court they have to know that they have to know it intuitively they have to know that you have their back they have to know that they can trust you they have to know that you love them and that you care about them as a human being first and a basketball player second if you make that type of connection and build that type of trust the basketball stuff actually becomes easier to teach now I did mention Jay earlier and Jay has been an incredibly influential person in my life and there's actually several people in this room that have been and Jay as you guys know is kind of the face of ESPN game day and one of his responsibilities at ESPN is he has to watch each team practice the day before a game so that the next day on air he's got plenty of fodder to talk about about teams personnel and strategies and so forth and back in early December in 2010 was going to be a game versus Duke and Butler up in New Jersey in the Meadowlands and the reason this was such a highly anticipated early season game was because those were the two teams that as we all know met a mere eight months previously in the national championship where Duke narrowly escaped with the win and it's very rare that the two teams that meet on the biggest stage in college basketball meet in the early season of of December so this was a very highly anticipated game well you guys know Jay is a Duke alum so he went to watch Duke practice first and he goes over and coach K clearly one of the best to ever do it is talking to his team and he says guys we're going to beat Butler tomorrow because we have the distinct advantage we're bigger than they are we're stronger than they are and we're more powerful than they are we're going to beat Butler tomorrow because we have a distinct advantage we're bigger stronger and more powerful we're going to pound the ball down low and we're going to get easy baskets around the hoop we're going to out rebound them and we're going to contest every shot guys we're going to beat Butler tomorrow because we have the advantage and Jay left the Duke practice and was thinking this could be a bloodbath tomorrow coach K one of the best to ever do it just told this team with great clarity why they have the distinct advantage but he goes over to watch Butler practice and of course at the time Butler is led by Brad Stevens who many agree is one of the best to ever do it as well and if you've ever met or read or watched any of coach Steven stuff I mean he's an absolute basketball savant that's why he's the coach of the Celtics at present and he's talking to the Butler Bulldogs and he says guys we're going to beat Duke tomorrow because we clearly have the advantage we are smaller we're quicker and we're faster than they are we're going to beat them because we have the distinct advantage we're smaller we're quicker and we're faster than they are there's no way their big guys can keep up with us in transition we're going to get fast breakpoints we can smaller them with a full court press and there's no way that they can come out and contest our corner threes we're going to beat them tomorrow because we clearly have the distinct advantage and Jay left that practice and was thinking I got no idea who's going to win this game both of these brilliant coaches have high self-awareness have high team awareness they know what gives them the competitive advantage they know what gives them an edge to be successful and here's the cool part they both were right both of those coaches were 100% right and I share that with you for two reasons one I want to make sure every single year you guys are taking a look at what will give you an advantage and for those of you that are in situations where you can recruit players and you actually have some say over who's on your team then you can certainly recruit to your style of play but for those of you that don't you're just fed whatever hands your dealt it's very important that your style of play matches your personnel you got to have the horses in the stable to play the way that you want to play but I also bring that up because regardless of what type of talent you have or maybe don't have you absolutely can and should make relationships your separator your differentiator I promise you that if you can build a stronger connection and stronger relationships with your staff and your players and you can build trust and you can get them to have both buy in and believe in to what you're selling to your culture I promise no matter how good your team is you will overachieve even if you have mediocre talent and mediocre athletes if you get everyone to buy in and you have strong relationships they will be better than mediocre you will beat teams that you have no business beating on paper because you've created those types of relationships so relationships can and should be a separator for every single person in this room but like anything relationships take time now I'm incredibly fortunate that very early in my career I was able to be mentored by some of the best in the business three of them are here coach Eastman coach show Walter and coach David Atkins I don't believe coach Jones is here we can all give him a hard time later for not being here promptly when I'm here to talk but those four gentlemen have had a profound impact on my life and especially in my early coaching career and all four of them and then you're talking about guys I mean again as we just said coach show Walter has been coaching basketball longer than I've been breathing no offense coach Atkins and coach Eastman are in the NBA have been in the NBA working with the best of the best but very early they taught me three coaching mantras that still serve me very well today and they serve me well not only in basketball they serve me well in the work I do with different businesses and they actually serve me well parenting these three monkeys you see sitting up front and these three coaching mantras number one is the coaching mantra that it's not about me it's about you number two that you have to connect first and then you coach second has to be in that order and number three there's only two options when it comes to coaching you accept it or you correct it so let's unpack each of those it's not about me it's about you that's something every single one of us should whisper to ourselves every single morning that we wake up that coaching is not about me in this case it's about my staff and it's about my players that it's my job to empower them it's a pour into them to be the best they can be and I will make all decisions based on what's in the best interest of this young person what's in the best interest of my staff what's in the best interest of my program now if you're in the right place and you're working those things will also be in alignment with what's best for you this is not about going against the grain but if you're doing what's best for your kids and your staff and your school and your program that needs to be what's best for you if it's not then you're actually in the wrong job but it's so important that we have that mindset the second one that these guys taught me is you connect first and you coach second we've already touched on that before you even consider teaching someone you know the proper shooting mechanics or the proper footwork when making a move before you do any of that you have to make a connection with them you have to find out what's important to them you have to find out what motivates them you have to find out how they like to feel appreciated what's their preferred communication style there's there's two types of people in this world and it starts at a very young age there's those that can take an aspirin and there's those that need to have the aspirin smashed up and put an applesauce to take it I was actually one of the ones that had to have it an applesauce and embarrassingly enough I was it wasn't till I was a teenager that I could even swallow a pill I mean that is embarrassing but there's two types of players and you have every one of those players are on your team and your first goal as a coach is to figure out who can I speak directly to and who do I actually need to put it in a little bit of applesauce there is no right or wrong and this has nothing to do with them being a good player or a bad player but more importantly it doesn't matter your preference all that matters is their preference see that's the key to communication is you have to speak the other person's language it doesn't matter if I can take the pill if coach showalter needs it with some applesauce then it is my job to give it to him with applesauce because that's the only way that teaching will take place that learning will take place that he will actually hear the message that I want to communicate so we have to create that connection first and I promise you once again learn from coach Akins coach show Walter and coach Eastman if you create that connection first the teaching of the game of basketball becomes so much more fluid and easier by default because you'll have players that want to get better you'll have players that want to do what you say you'll have players that will listen and lock in with their eyes and they will do everything they can to the best of their ability because they bought in and they believe in you which is so important and it can take a little bit of time to do that part of what makes coaching not just a science but an art is figuring out how quickly can I get these guys to trust me and build a relationship I mean I don't want to gloss over the fact I mean you did you hear what Andrea said coach showalter had up to 10 days to take a random group of kids from all over the United States some that he had never met bar at prior to training cramp and he had 10 days to establish a connection with them and build a level of trust that they could then go off to another country and beat teams that have been playing together for years so he is a master at being able to create a connection first if the first thing he did was walk in and start yelling at them about their shooting mechanics or footwork there's no way he would have been 62 and 0 no way it all starts with connections and relationships so please don't think that this stuff I'm talking about for those of you sitting there going yeah this is nice but I'd kind of like to win some games I'd kind of like to make players better I feel you this is how you do it I promise but you can't put the cart in front of the horse and then the third one that I mentioned the third coaching mantra that I learned from these guys is you accept it or you correct it those the only two things possible anything going on in your program at this very moment either needs to be something you condone a proof of an accept of or it needs to be something that you are about to change those the only two options and I see a lot of people taking notes if you are taking notes put this in your notes right now and circle it underline it and if you have a highlighter use that complaining is not a third option yeah I hear some slight chuckles it's an option that most people default to complaining blaming others and making excuses I know you don't tolerate that of your players so don't tolerate it of yourself or your staff if you want to have a happier more fulfilled more significant life do everything in your power to eliminate complaining blaming others and making excuses if you hold yourself accountable for every single thing that goes on in your program and you don't blame complain or make excuses I'm telling you now one you'll be a better coach but two you'll actually enjoy the journey a lot more so let's get rid of those things if your players are consistently taking bad shots guess whose fault that is oh it got quiet didn't it yeah it's your fault if your players take bad shots that's your fault that either means in some way shape or form you're accepting it and you're not correcting it or you're going behind the scenes and complaining man my team is terrible they take the worst shots possible yeah you're the coach that's on you and as soon as you accept full responsibility for everything your players do you'll get better you have players that when you're speaking to them they don't make eye contact or they roll their eyes that's a great one isn't it don't you love talking to a young person and they roll their eyes at you if it happens more than once or twice that's on you that means you accept that behavior so we have to make sure that we accept or we correct every single thing that's going on and once we understand the importance of these three relationships and we use these three mantras to get better now it's just a matter of doing them more consistently and doing them with with authentic enthusiasm I've had a chance to work with and meet a lot of really good players especially when they were younger you know I had met coach Atkins when we worked together at Montrose Christian and Montrose Christian certainly is most famous alum is Kevin Durant but we had some other really really really high level players there even really great players that didn't play in the NBA but one of the things that made that place so remarkable was the level of enthusiasm and that commitment to excellence so aside from the players that I have a personal relationship with Steve Nash is my favorite player of all time and back in 2004 is when Steve Nash won the first of back-to-back MVP titles and that first year that he won it he actually only led the league in two statistical categories the first and I heard someone whisper it is assists which as coaches of course we love we want players that share the sugar we want players that want to set up a teammate so that they can be successful assist is the sign of a great leader and a great teammate but what a lot of people don't know is he also led the league in touches high fives and fist bumps and pats on the backside now if you're wondering how I could possibly know that Steve Nash led the league in high fives fist bumps and pats on the butt it just so happens that there was a research team from UC Berkeley and they were conducting an official study and they wanted to see if showing signs of enthusiasm actually equated to more wins on the court so they hired a team of researchers to count every single time a player gave a high five a fist bump or a pat on the backside well the Phoenix Suns were so enamored with this that they hired a full-time intern to do the same thing but only count for Steve Nash now how many of you have ever had a crappy coaching position anybody ever had like a GA but yeah imagine if that was your first coaching position yeah you see that guy over there every time he touches one of these big tall sweaty guys I need you to make a tally mark and I need you to do that for 48 minutes a night uh... oh yeah there's 82 games plus playoffs this season in the very first game that Steve that at the very first game that the intern counted for Steve Nash he delivered 239 high fives fist bumps and pats on the butt Steve Nash was a furnace of human connection now you all know in the basketball world where physicality is appropriate it's been physiologically proven that you can actually transfer energy through human touch you can actually raise someone's game with a high five a fist bump or pat on the backside but I don't want you to stop there I want you guys to also start thinking what are the emotional touches that you can make with your players and your staff what are the emotional equivalents of high fives fist bumps and pats on the backside this is where digital and technology can actually be something in our favor because they allow you to have touch points with your players even when they're not in front of you if you have a player that has kind of an average practice you know it wasn't their best day a simple text message you send them later that night saying hey man don't worry about it I know the ball didn't go in today but we're going to move to the next play tomorrow's a new day just something little like that that is the equivalent of a high five a fist bump or a pat on the butt and it makes a huge difference and now we just have to get in the habit of making as many deposits as possible uh... another mentor of mine who I know these guys know but I don't know if you know is a gentleman named Rich Shubrooks uh... and Rich is a big wig with Nike and someone that's been around the NBA and game for a long time and uh... he had learned this from someone else but he was the one that taught it to me so I'll give him credit uh... it's a concept called ten assists and this is something that I want to make sure that not only you guys implement but I want you to implement this with your team and make it contagious he said that every single morning he wants his team to wear ten rubber bands or maybe even ten school of those like bracelets or rubber bands on their left wrist and every time they give an off-the-court assist to one of their teammates or to one of their coaches and an assist is anything that they do that adds value to that person's life anything that they do that that makes a teammate's life just a little bit better or reduces a little bit friction and anytime you do that you take one rubber band off of your left wrist and you put it on your right wrist but here's the deal and this will use this in a high school setting you can't go home after you can't go home until you have all ten rubber bands on your your right wrist so you can't leave school or you can't leave practice until you know for a fact that you've done nothing short of ten extra things this is not what you're supposed to do you don't switch a rubber band over for going to class you're supposed to go to class but you absolutely switch one over when you go above and beyond to serve a teammate or to serve one of your coaches if you want to see your cultures heightened immediately you implement that and you hold your players accountable to that so that they actually are intentional and purposeful about dishing out assists to the people that are most important in that program in the sanctity of that locker room now you guys are the leaders you're the upper one percent you're giving up your weekend which i know are incredibly valuable especially for those of you in education working during the week to be here so i have zero doubt that most of you have already given out ten assists before third period but are your players in your assistance doing the same thing see that's ultimately what leadership is you guys are phenomenal leaders that's why you're here but if you're not also empowering and producing other leaders then you've kind of hit a ceiling on on your overall impact so can you make sure that everyone in your program is conscious about switching rubber bands from left to right now i spent so far i've been talking about kind of from an individual standpoint let's take a look at three of the pillars that are required for creating an unbeatable team and please know that when i say unbeatable team i'm not talking about wins and losses so for those of you that just quickly set up a little taller and go oh we're not going to lose a game this no you may lose all of your games this year but you'll have an unbeatable culture and you'll have a culture that's based upon grit and resilience and buy-in and caring and commitment and i can promise you and i know as a as a former coach there's nothing fun about losing nothing fun about losing sucks like maybe that's a new t-shirt for nike losing sucks we all know it but i tell you what if you're gonna lose but you lose with kids that care you lose with kids that give their best effort you lose with kids that have buy-in and believe-in i know at night you'll still be able to sleep so let's talk about those three pillars the first is role clarity the second is accountability and the third is communication role clarity you probably have an idea of what every player and every coach on your staff on what their role is but is that in harmony with what they believe their role is is you want to have a piece of humble pie you go back and you have individual meetings with each of your players and coaches and you get them to articulate exactly what they believe their role is how many minutes they think they're going to play where they should be shooting from what their job is in practice and you do that and then you see if it matches what you think and i promise you there's going to be some some areas of dysfunction but we need to eliminate that we need to have clarity on what every person's role is and for those of you that are head coaches that is your job is to provide that clarity make sure that everybody knows exactly what their role is and once everyone has a role and they know their role then you need to empower them and encourage them to embrace their role and then to star in their role for those of you working at the high school level and most of my time was spent at the high school level working with with male basketball players so that's the the lens at which i saw most of the game and i can tell you that working with some of the best alpha males to ever come out of the dc area it's very easy to get a young man to buy into the role of you're going to start for us you're going to play most minutes and you can pretty much shoot anytime you want is that a role that you'd like to accept yeah i've never met a kid that doesn't want that role but i need you you're probably not going to play a whole lot this year but i need you to come to every weight room session every film session every practice and every game and i need you to bust your tail to make the guys in front of you better i need you to to act as if you're going to play every single minute but you're probably not going to play a lot this year and i need you to do so with high enthusiasm and high energy that is a much harder sell that is a much harder sell but for those of you that have coached you know that this player is just as important as this one for a variety of reasons one it's his job to make him better every single day in practice two if anything happens to this young man an injury or an academic issue then he might he might be the next man up so i believe i learned this from coach eachman be ready because there might not be time to get ready so you have to have an entire team of players that are fully committed but we all know as coaches that this is an easy sell this one's a little bit more difficult which means i have to work overtime and extra to make sure that i'm praising him and filling his bucket because he has a role that he doesn't necessarily want every player wants that role but can i get him to accept the role that is what's best for us that's the whole we over me concept and to me that is the biggest challenge in coaching is getting people to buy into a role that they don't necessarily want themselves and there is an art and a science to doing that and then clearly we need to make sure that there is a mutual respect and appreciation and admiration for each and every role you might be our star player but you better appreciate and respect and tell him how much you appreciate him coming every single day to set the table so that you can play and we have to make sure that that's something that's contagious second let's talk about accountability one of the most important phrases you can tell your players and even tell your own children for those of you that have them is holding someone accountable is something you do for them it's not something you do to them kids get that a little bit twisted i remember that you know when i was at dematha as the strength coach i would sit on the end of the bench which men if you sat next to me during games you weren't getting in unless we were plus or minus 30 you were probably going to keep your shooting shirt on for most of the game and i remember those kids having conversations with them that they'd say something like why is coach jones always getting on me in practice i don't even play well he gets on you because he loves you he gets on you because he cares about you he gets on you because he still wants you to be the best player that you're capable of so when you hold someone accountable that is the best gift that you can give them because when you hold someone accountable you're basically saying i think you're better than what you're showing me right now i think you're capable of more than what you're showing me and because i believe in you and i care about you and i care about us i'm not going to let you slide by doing less than you're capable of so holding someone accountable is the best gift that you can give someone and if you're wondering how you get that type of buy-in let's not over complicate it just ask for permission one of the beautiful things about basketball is the small number of people on a roster that's what makes football more difficult at most you probably have 12 to 15 players and three to four coaches that you have to build a connection with that's much easier than having 80 to 90 players and 15 to 20 coaches so you should be able to have this conversation there's two questions that you need to ask every player on your team question number one do you give me permission to coach you do you give me permission to do everything in my power to make you the best player possible now you're going to get a yes sir or a yes ma'am you're going to get compliance then the next question is and this is the key do you give me permission to hold you accountable to the standards we've set if for any reason you don't get a yes sir or a yes ma'am then that person does not belong on your team and i know making cuts are one of the hardest things to do in coaching that might be the single worst day of any high school coaches of year is the day that you have to cut players because no one enjoys that but if someone's going to look you in the eye and tell you that they're not coachable and they don't give you permission to hold them accountable hopefully that will ease the sting because you need to get rid of them but they're going to comply and now you have a young person that said you can coach me and you can hold me accountable so what do they really have to say when you do it during the season nothing now they are human beings so they will naturally default to complaining to blaming others and to making excuses but we can quickly move past that because all I have to say is wait you you gave me permission to coach you don't you remember in our pre-season meeting you said I could hold you accountable well that's what I'm doing right now and they won't have anything to retort they'll understand that it'll be an inherent buy-in and one thing that unites all human beings outside of sociopaths is we don't like disappointing people that we care about so when you've set this groundwork and you've asked for permission and you've clearly articulated your standards players are going to want to stay in bounds they're not going to want to disappoint you so most of your problems will be eliminated simply by asking for permission and then lastly let's talk about communication just know as coaches you are always communicating something even when you're not speaking or coaching or in some cases yelling you're still communicating something you're communicating with your non-verbals we all already kind of chuckled before that when a player rolls their eyes they're communicating something to you aren't they we won't say it aloud because my kids are here but they're communicating something directly at you and it's the same thing with us as coaches we have to be very careful how we communicate you know one of the things that I had to learn very early was that it's not even just about the language you choose I will say that one of the areas I'm very proud that I've improved on is I use a lot less colorful language now than I did in my younger days because I found that I don't need to use it and now that if I do choose to pepper in a colorful piece of language it was done with so much intention that it'll actually make a point but you have to think about everything else in your repertoire sarcasm is a big one I'm an incredibly sarcastic person sarcastic comments are some of the funniest things I mean if you ever want to hear some good stories you go find David Adkins later today and talk about some of our text messages exchange they're absolutely sarcastic but you also have to own the fact that while it may be funny to you it may not be funny to the person on the receiving end and that you might make a an under your breath sarcastic comment during practice that embarrasses a player or emasculates them and now you're doing the exact opposite of what you're trying to do as a coach you're actually lowering their performance instead of heightening it so just own every single message that you have and one of the most important things about communication is the unconscious message right now you all are doing an amazing job of listening I can see right now every one of you is communicating a message to me based on your body language based on your eye contact based on whether or not your head's nodding and your pens moving you are communicating a message to me well think about the same thing with your players and your staff if you actually set your phone down and you make eye contact and have warm body language and you ask insightful questions and you listen to what your player has to say or your coach has to say what's the unconscious message you're sending them I care you matter to me I value you you are important so get in the habit of asking questions and listening it's one of the most important ingredients to strengthening connections and every single time every single time you connect with another human being it could be in a 30 second elevator ride with a stranger or it could be a player that you've coached for the last three years you're doing one of two things you're either strengthening your connection with them or you're eroding it those are the only two things possible a snide sarcastic remark will erode a relationship asking a player a question and then intently listening onto their answer will strengthen that connection and from a communication standpoint and to me this is one and I can't stress enough how influential coach showalter and coach easman and coach akins have been I've learned from these guys that a very mediocre coach let's imagine in a scenario where you're doing some scrimmaging right now and a player makes what you deem to be a boneheaded pass and they turn it over immediately the very mediocre coach is going to stop practice is going to berate that player tell them why that was a dumb play and then resume practice an elite level coach is going to stop for a second do their best not to let their emotions override their standards to take feelings out of it and not make any judgments and say okay hold on for a second I believe at that time you thought that was the best pass to make what were you seeing why did you think that was the best pass get them to articulate it get them to own it now clearly it wasn't a good pass because it got turned over so maybe ask them since clearly that wasn't the best pass to make what's another option what was something else that you could have done and then listen don't make judgments about your players actually listen I don't think there's a player in the history of the game that's coming down the floor and goes I'm going to make a turnover watch how mad coach Atkins gets right now oh my gosh this is going to be awesome oh look at him look at his face no at that moment in time using their possibly limited basketball IQ they thought that was the best play to make at that time so don't chastise them for that figure out and dive deeper into why and I promise you coaching is all about making things sticky it's about making things memorable so if you start asking players why they made that decision and then what they could have done instead they'll recall that information much more than you stopping practice making a snide remark maybe MF and them a couple times and then resuming practice and that's all about communication so sharpen your communication tools now to put a big bow tie on all of this I want to talk about the importance of living in the present moment because living in the present or as they say at DeMatha playing present is the most important key to you coaching to your highest level and to your players playing to their highest level and the short definition is to simply be where your feet are wherever your feet are make sure that's where your head and your heart are as well the longer definition as you guys see I like to teach in threes is to make sure that you focus on the next play is to make sure you focus on what you can control and to make sure you focus on the process if you guys can do those three things you'll coach to your maximum level and your players will play to their maximum level first next play if any of you do or have been to a DeMatha basketball game and you sit with an earshot of Mike Jones you will hear him say and make this hand motion next play probably a few hundred times you missed a layup it's okay next play I know you turn the ball over it's okay next play yeah the referee missed a call it happens occasionally in high school basketball next play why does coach Jones want the team at DeMatha to focus on the next play it's the only one they can do anything about they can't do anything about the miss layup the turnover or the referees miss call those plays are over so the sooner he can get them focused on the next play the better now remember anything that we want our players to do we have to model I won't ask for a show of hands because I don't want to call anyone out and I think some of you might lie anyway but how many of you have ever been caught up on a referee's poor call or missed call well after the fact that it happened good nobody oh that's awesome you guys realize what you're modeling for your players when you spend three minutes barking at a referee over a play that just happened three minutes ago you're modeling for your players that we don't need to be in the present moment that it's okay to worry about the past and I know part of your job as coaches is to work the referees I'm not taking that away be succinct be clear and then move on in the history of the game a referee has never overturned a call simply because you got angry and they're certainly not going to overturn one that happened three minutes ago so let it go it's over and move to the next play now let's talk about controlling the controllables there's only two things in this world that you and your players have 100 control over 100 percent of the time that's effort and attitude so that's mostly what we should be pouring into we don't control most of what goes on in this world but we control our effort and we control our attitude here's something that I want you to tell your players working hard is a choice they probably already know that here's the part you need to make sure they understand not working hard well that's also a choice players choose whether or not to sprint back on defense they choose whether or not to box out they choose whether or not to step in and take a charge they choose whether or not to dive for a loose ball and our job as coaches is to empower them and encourage them and inspire them to make those choices as consistently as possible so effort is a choice and effort's the number one thing that we have to hold people accountable for there's no excuse for not giving a good effort there are reasons yeah if you didn't get sleep last night you've had the flu you're hungry there's understanding reasons why us as compassionate human beings can see why someone doesn't give a good effort doesn't mean it's acceptable just because something is understandable it doesn't mean that it's acceptable so we have to make sure that we are always holding people accountable for effort but we need to get them to do that on their own because the more you have to coach effort the less you get to coach basketball the more you coach effort the less you coach basketball so think about accountability if right now if your program only has vertical accountability that is you're the coach you tell them what to do they do it you're going to be mediocre at best you all need to make sure that your teams have horizontal accountability which means they hold each other accountable which means they use peer pressure they get mad at each other when someone's late for practice or someone misses a class or someone doesn't touch the line during sprints when someone doesn't touch the line during sprints and you as the head coach are the fourth person to say something to them because the three players closest said something first now you've got something really special and then talking about attitude the other half of that attitude is always a choice you don't control what happens in this world but you absolutely control the response you have to it and if you want to be a high-performing coach and you want to be a high or have high-performing players you have to encourage them and yourselves to always choose a response or reaction that moves you forward not one that takes you back and then lastly the process we know what it is that you guys want you want to win championships you want to win games I get it but let's not get caught up in that let's focus on the daily process of what needs to be done to make that more likely focus on what you can do today if your goal right now is to win a WCAC championship in March of 2020 then all you have to do is wake up today and say what's something I can do today and we can do today that gets us a little bit closer to winning that championship that's all you have to worry about is just focus on the process and if you can focus on the process and you get everyone in your your team to buy in to the importance and focus of effort and attitude and you get everyone to have a mentality of quickly moving to the next play you guys will be doing everything you can to coach and play in the present and that is the only way possible only way possible that you can perform at your highest level now to put a big bow tie on everything and wrap things up I opened up by telling you guys the story of the Kobe Bryant Skills Academy which I believe was one of the first times I had a chance to work with Coach Eastman who ran those academies and there was a college player there that did not have the same resume as everybody else and quite honestly he didn't have the same physical stature as everyone else he looked like he was 14 and he had just finished his freshman year in college but all of us coaches noticed there was something different about this young man and it was palpable there was just something different about him the most impressive of which was at the end of our first workout and Coach Eastman would lead two workouts a day for three straight days and these were grueling training camp type workouts at the end of the first workout just based on sheer proximity this young man said coach talking to me we had never formally met he said coach will you rebound for me because I don't leave the gym until I swish five free throws in a row swish five free throws in a row you guys realize if you couldn't let your players leave the gym until they swish five free throws in a low every single one of you would die in a gym somewhere in the DC area yeah but that was the standard this young man had and there was a few times where he would swish four in a row he'd hit a little bit of the rim on the fifth one it'd still go in he's still mathematically perfect but that wasn't good enough for him so he'd start over and if memory serves it never took him longer than 12 to 15 minutes to swish five in a row as many of you have already guessed that young man's name was Stefan Curry and Stefan Curry will go down in history as the greatest shooter that this game has ever seen and it's not by accident and it's not by luck and it's not even because his dad played in the NBA it's because he's willing to hold himself to unparalleled standards and that is the thought that I would like to close with the standards that you set today will determine who and where you and your team will be tomorrow and with that I want to thank you all so much for your time on this beautiful Saturday morning I appreciate you guys very much


A few points and pointers before you embark on today's video. Narcissists are made, they are not born, they may be a genetic predisposition to develop cluster B personality disorders. But it takes a very coercive, traumatic and abusive environment, childhood environment, adverse childhood experiences to create a narcissist, a lifelong narcissist. One of the main problems, one of the main issues that results in narcissism in later life is the love quote unquote that the narcissist receives from his mother or later in life from his father. In his childhood, the love of the narcissist's mother or father was conditioned on the child's performance. It was a reward for fulfilling the parents' expectations and wishes. You be a good boy and I'm going to love you. You act as my spouse or my parent and I'm going to love you.  I'm going to love you. You fulfill my unrealized wishes and dreams. I'm going to love you. My love for you as a child is conditioned on your performance, on meeting my expectations, fulfilling my dreams and catering to my wishes and psychological needs. So the narcissist learns early on in life to connect love with performance. Now in intimate settings, and when I say intimate settings, doesn't have to be a romantic couple or a diode. It can be a friendship, for example. In intimate settings, the narcissist's counterparts could be again an intimate partner, a spouse, a girlfriend, boyfriend or friend. The narcissist's counterparts are substitute mothers. They are maternal figures. And to gain the love of these substitute mothers, of these surrogate mothers, to be rendered lovable, the narcissist feels compelled again to perform. It's as if the narcissist says, my friend is not going to love me. My wife is not going to love me. My girlfriend is not going to love me. My boyfriend is not going to love me. They're not going to care for me unless and until I meet their expectations cater to their needs and perform. It's very much like people pleasing but with a hard edge. Because the narcissist not only tries to please these counterparts, he tries to service them in many ways. So the shared fantasy is the narcissist's way of organizing this matrix. The shared fantasy is performative. Within the shared fantasy, the narcissist performs and expects to be loved in return as long as he performs. Love within the shared fantasy or perceived love within the shared fantasy is conditioned on performance. Performance could be money, could be access, could be power, could be fame, could be celebrity, could be sex, could be anything. The narcissist, it's a quid pro quo. The narcissist's shared fantasy is highly transactional. It's like a theater production, like a movie. You buy a ticket and you expect two hours of entertainment. The performative shared fantasy inevitably includes an element of self-aggrandizement. The narcissist within the shared fantasy wishes to perceive himself. And when I say himself, it's also herself, of course. Half of all narcissists are women. The narcissist wishes to perceive himself as lovable, as irresistible. And so he needs to overcome his bed, internal bed objects. Remember that each and every narcissist has a bed object.  Narcissism is a compensation for these voices. It's a compensatory defense against these voices. So within the shared fantasy, the narcissist needs to be perfect. Godlike, omnipotent, omniscient, and so on. Grandiosity within the shared fantasy is a hallmark of the fantasy. There is no shared fantasy without grandiosity. But grandiosity, by its definition, is inflated, fantastic, counterfactual, divorced from reality. So the shared fantasy being a fantasy, which is founded on grandiosity, is as removed from reality as is humanly possible. It supersedes reality. It substitutes for reality. And of course, reality fights back. Reality intrudes. The narcissist is exposed to countervailing information, to challenges, to criticism, to disagreements. He's mocked. He's ridiculed. He's ashamed. He's humiliated. He's fired. He has numerous life circumstances and interpersonal relationships and interactions with other people. Challenge and undermine and sabotage constantly. The grandiosity which is embedded in or reified by the shared fantasy. The narcissist's hidden belief is that he needs to be perfect in order to perform. The parental expectations in the narcissist's early childhood were of perfection. The child needed to be perfect to deserve love. So when the narcissist recreates early childhood in the shared fantasy with a maternal substitute with an intimate partner who is now his new mother, he again is catapulted, regressed back to an early stage of childhood where he had to be perfect. And there's no perfection without grandiosity. Grandiosity is a cognitive distortion that misinforms the narcissist that is perfect. It's the ultimate form of self-deception. It's totally delusional, kind of delusional disorder in my view. So here we are. The narcissist has learned as a small child that receiving love is dependent upon performance and meeting other people's expectations.  He then tries to please her and appease her to perform in order to deserve her love and to be rendered lovable within the shared fantasy. And to be rendered lovable, the narcissist has to compensate for, outweigh the bad object inside him. He has to prove to his new mother, the substitute mother, the maternal figure in the shared fantasy.  And this is the grandiosity. It's a way of broadcasting, signaling to the partner. I am perfect so I'm deserving of your love. And I can't be perfect except in fantasy. No one is perfect in reality, with the exception perhaps of God and even this is debatable. So only in fantasy can you be perfect. But then reality intrudes and conflicts with the fantasy. Cracks it open, wide open, undermines it. And this is called the grandiosity gap. And this creates a lot of frustration in the narcissist. He attempts to render himself perfect and therefore deserving of love and he keeps failing. And he begins to blame his partner for his failures.  You are the one who doesn't realize how amazingly genius and perfect I am.  And so he begins to blame his partner for the constant frustration of the inability, the inbuilt inability to maintain a shared fantasy in the face of reality. And this frustration leads to aggression against the partner, also known as devaluation and later discard. So what's going on here? The shared fantasy is constructed in a way that would produce frustration and then aggression. The aim of the shared fantasy, the end game of the shared fantasy is frustration, aggression, dollars, famous hypothesis. The shared fantasy is intended to push the narcissist away from his intimate partner because the intimate partner is perceived as a mother. And so the narcissist needs to separate from this new mother and become an individual. And the only way to accomplish this is to reconceive of the maternal figure as a persecutory object or an inferior being or entity. So the shared fantasy is built on impossible targets. The shared fantasy is so counterfactual, so unrealistic, so outlandish and inane and deranged that it can never ever hold water, it can never ever be sustained. This creates a lot of frustration and then aggression and the aggression is directed at the partner because there's no one else there, nobody else. The shared fantasy is constructed as a generator of frustration and aggression against the partner which would allow the narcissist in good conscience to devalue the partner and discard her as a symbolic reenactment of separation individuation with his regional mother. The narcissist wants to find a new mother, he then wants to reestablish the fantasy that he has had with his original mother, but this time he wants to separate from this new mother and become an individual. And to do that he needs to cast his new mother in a bed light, he needs to transfer to her his bed object. I'm worthy, you're unworthy. The narcissist engages in splitting, suddenly he is the old good object and his partner is the old bed object. He demonizes and vilifies her, devalues her and then discards her. The shared fantasy is constructed on two pillars, the first pillar, the mother figure, the maternal figure, and the second pillar, unrealizable, impossible goals of perfection and divinity. The second pillar generates frustration and aggression because the narcissist keeps failing at being perfect. The narcissist keeps being confronted with evidence to the contrary that is imperfect, a failure, a loser, or not as great as he thinks he is. And this frustration creates aggression and this aggression is directed at the first pillar of the fantasy, the intimate partner who has been recast as a maternal figure and this is the performance of the shared fantasy. This is why it's performative. Now, narcissists are children. Their mental age is between two and perhaps six, very, very cases nine. Most of them are around age two, prior to three, prior to separation and individuation. It's a case of arrested or stunted development, a phrase we no longer use in clinical literature, by the way. So the narcissist is age inappropriate. He always behaves in a way which doesn't sit well with his age. He is always childlike, or shall I say infantile. Now, the narcissist adopts two compensatory strategies. Owing to his age inappropriateness, the narcissist's self-efficacy is much reduced. Let me translate this into English. Because the narcissist is a child, he doesn't act well in his changing environments and on his changing environments. As the environments change, there's a workplace, there's a family, there's a church. The narcissist is not equipped to perform well in these environments because he's a child. Having realized this deficiency, this discrepancy, this abyss between his psychological age and his chronological age, between his psychological age and the requirements of society as far as functioning and so on. Having realized these deficits, the narcissist compensates. He has compensatory strategies. One of them is by becoming antisocial and defined. And the other one is by conforming and producing a facade of normalcy, pseudo-normalcy, a mask of sanity. These are the two strategies. Now, the strategies are not fixed for life. The narcissist alternates and vacillates between these two strategies. Sometimes he's defined, consummations, antisocial and reckless.  He becomes socially acceptable. These are the two strategies. And the narcissist alternates between them depending on his age and depending on events in his life. When the narcissist collapses, when he is, for example, no longer able to secure a regular flow of high quality narcissistic supply, he would very often alternate between types. He would become covert rather than overt, cerebral rather than somatic, somatic rather than cerebral. So there is no type constancy. The reaction to narcissistic collapse is by switching between types of narcissism. But also another reaction to collapse is switching between these two strategies. The conforming socially condoned and acceptable narcissists. The narcissist who presents a facade of pseudo-normalcy. The narcissist with a family and with a job and goes to church and plays baseball with the children. This kind of narcissist suddenly erupts, goes bananas, goes crazy, becomes antisocial, defined, goes postal and I don't know, shoots the whole city. So there is a pendulum movement between types and compensatory strategies. Strategies that are intended to compensate for the narcissist's retarded development, developmental challenges. The fact that the narcissist is a child psychologically. So at various stages in the lifespan, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, middle age and senescence, old age, various stages in the lifespan. You could find the narcissist adopting one compensatory strategy over the other. For example, in adulthood, typically the narcissist would be conforming and pseudo-normal. In adolescence, the narcissist typically would be defined and consummations, rejecting of authority and reckless and so on and so forth. So in various periods of life, the narcissist is either one strategy or the other. And there is also a specific type that alternates according to collapse. Collapse triggers transitions between types, transitions from overt to covert, from somatic to cerebral, from cerebral to somatic and so on. And age triggers transitions between compensatory strategies in a desperate attempt to present a facade of adulthood and object relations. When actually in reality, the narcissist is not an adult but a very problematic child and can never engage in object relations because of the shared fantasy. He doesn't interact with objects.  And this is known as repetition compulsion. Okay, there was a very long introduction to a very short video and I hope you would be able to follow the narcissist's life path. There's a concept of karma. Of course, I consider ideas such as reincarnation and so on and so forth as forms of mental illness or stupidity or both. But there is payback within the individual's lifetime. And you will be able to follow this process of payback when I describe the narcissist's typical trajectory of a tortured, hopeless, hopeless life.  There is discrepancy between the narcissist's chronological age and his psychological or psycho emotive age. And this discrepancy characterizes, defines, and constricts the narcissist's life. The narcissist is always age inappropriate. How to cope with this situation? How do you deal with life? How do you go through life as a poor, high-ternus and eternal adolescent? How do you manage to function? How do you cope with challenges? How do you face threats, changing circumstances, environments? How do you survive in short? Well, narcissists adopt two solutions pretty early on, usually during adolescence. The first solution is the anti-social defined solution. And the second solution is the conforming pseudonormal solution. I want to make clear, these are compensatory strategies. In other words, these are not full-fledged solutions. They don't really reverse or resolve the age inappropriateness, the deficiencies, the lax and the inadequacies of the narcissist, owing to his arrested, stunted development. The narcissist is a toddler coping or trying to cope in an adult world. It is never easy and never, ever successful. But these strategies, these compensatory strategies somehow ameliorate or kind of modify certain of the narcissist's behaviors in a way that can fool people into thinking that the narcissist is actually an adult. It is a facade. It is a camouflage. It is borrowing elements of adult behavior in a way that would deceive people. It's a minimal investment, the path of least resistance. Deceive people into believing that the narcissist is capable of proper normal functioning. So the anti-social defined solution or compensatory strategy versus the conforming pseudonormal compensatory strategy, they are not life long. There is no strategy constancy or solution constancy, exactly as there is no type constancy. Most overt narcissists, grandiose narcissists, in-your-face narcissists, are anti-social and defiant. And many other things, or tumultuous, reckless, they are a bit psychopathic. And most covert narcissists are conforming. They pretend to be normal. It's very important for them to be perceived as normal. That's why they get married and have families and hold jobs. They act normal. It is what correctly called the mask of sanity. So most coverts are pseudo, conforming pseudonormal people. And most of us are anti-social defined. But because there is no type constancy, when the narcissist collapses, when he experiences narcissistic collapse, he transitions from overt to covert. And as he does, he also transitions from the anti-social defined solution to the conforming pseudonormal solution. But it never, it's never for long. The narcissist is constantly in flux, constantly vacillates between among types and among solutions. Narcissists don't have a core. They don't have a stable nucleus. They don't have a continuous, contiguous identity, because they have severe problems with memory, memory gaps and discontinuities. They are disjointed. They are more like a kaleidoscope than like a human being. They don't have, in my view, anything like a self, personality, let alone ego. So they're not really there. They're shimmering imitations and simulations of a human being. And as such, they can, they feel free to transition from this style to that style, from that behavior to this behavior. They have, in short, identity disturbance or maybe identity diffusion, the more adolescent. So these compensatory strategies that are intended to allow the narcissist to function in adult, ever-changing, ever-shifting environments, they are not cast in stone. You could observe the same narcissist, you know, on Monday behaving one way, and the next week behaving another, in another way. So the normalcy is a critical element. It is very important to narcissists of all types to be perceived as normal, not abnormal, not crazy, not mentally ill, not sick, because this is narcissistically injurious, even mortifying. To be perceived as a nutcase or a waco is mortifying, it's mortification, because it's a public label. It involves public shaming and public humiliation. So narcissists invest in ordinate amounts of effort and time and resources and energy to create elaborate Potemkin lives, masks, personas in youngsters that are so intricate, so elaborate that they're very difficult to pierce through. It's difficult to see behind the mask or behind the pretension or behind the scenery, because there is nothing behind, there's no one there. And so the compensatory strategies that are mentioned are theatrical productions that thespian, they don't involve self-actualization, they don't reflect the narcissist's essence or quiddity, they are acting, they're forms of play acting. These are pretty rigid scripts, actually, that the narcissist adopts in order to be perceived as functional and normal. Now, of course, these solutions change in character, in implementation, in manifestation, in expression and in outcomes, in various periods through the lifespan. In childhood, for example, the budding nascent narcissist, the child who is about to become a narcissist, emphasizes mimicry. He imitates adults around him or her, of course, half of all narcissists are women. So he imitates adults around him in an effort to fit in, to belong, to be accepted, to elicit love and care.  So the narcissist's childhood involves intentional, premeditated, forceful mimicry, whereas the vast majority of children imitate naturally in flux, in a streamlined manner as part of social learning. The parents of the child provide models, there's a process of modeling, the child imitates the model.  You can see the effort, it's visible, it's also the mimicry, the imitation, the social learning is actually manipulative, Machiavellian. The child, even at this early stage, seeks to control his environment because he perceives the environment as hostile, dangerous, threatening. So the simulation of the mimicry or imitation in the narcissist's early childhood has to do with creating structures of control. Because the narcissist as a child has severe problems, already there's severe problems with memory. There's a post-traumatic response which involves extreme dissociation and so on and so forth. The same with borderline, by the way. There's a problem with identity formation. The narcissistic child usually engages in negative identity formation. The narcissistic child defines himself as everything that he is not. In short, the narcissistic child has a bad object.  That's the bad object embedded in the narcissist and which the narcissist comes to reify. So to avoid the discomfort, egotistony and pain and hurt, attendant upon the bad object. The narcissistic child defines himself forms an identity which is the exact, the diametrical opposite, the polar opposite of the bad object. The narcissistic child's identity, budding, emerging identity is everything the bad object is not. And of course this is what we call the false self. The narcissistic identity formation is negative and is fallacious, is false. At some point, the narcissistic child combines both strategies. The antisocial defined strategy and the conforming pseudo-normal strategy. And this is during the process of separation, individuation. Both strategies are combined, but only when the mother is perceived as a secure base. The secure base allows the child to defy the mother, to break up with the mother, to abandon the mother, and to venture out grandiosely into the world, to explore the world, to take over the world. So a secure base separation individuation, separation individuation from a good enough mother who is a secure base involves both processes. Antisocial defines, antisocial grandios defines on the one hand, and mommy I love you, conforming, holding on to the mother. But the narcissist does not have, or the narcissistic child, does not have a secure base.    On the very contrary, he's terrorized by her. So the narcissistic child, when he combines the compensatory strategies, he fails. When he tries to defy mother in order to explore the world, and at the same time conform with mother, love mother, stay with mother, belong to mother, be accepted by mother, the second part fails. So the child remains, the narcissistic child remains stuck on the first solution, on the first compensatory solution, because the mother is not a secure base and does not allow him to conform, to belong, and to act normally. In short, the mother of the narcissistic child undermines, sabotages, thwarts, scuppers the narcissistic child's ability to become a normal, separate individual. So the narcissistic child remains abnormal. He remains defined. He remains reckless. He remains anti-social. He becomes gradually an overt narcissist. The developmental path of the covert narcissists is pretty similar when it comes to separation and individuation. There's a dead dysfunctional absent mother, who does not allow the child to separate from her safely. She is not a secure base. The child then becomes defined and reckless and grandiose and so on and so forth. But then with the covert narcissists, the mother is intermittent.      So the covert narcissist remains stuck with both strategies and both of them fail. That's why the covert narcissist is a collapsed narcissist. So let me summarize the childhood part. Initially, the child who is about to become a narcissist mimics adults in his environment via social learning, but in a manipulative, Machiavellian way. This kind of child because of memory gaps, post-traumatic memory gaps, memory dysfunctions, fails to develop identity and so suffers from identity disturbance or diffusion. This leads to negative identity formation. The child rejects himself as a bad object. Child says, I'm bad, I'm unworthy. And then the child forms an identity which is everything the child is not. It's a form of self-rejection, self-rejection and self-betrayal. I'm going to form an identity which has nothing to do with me, is out there, the false self. And then when the child comes between the ages of 18 months and 36 months to the stage of separation and individuation from the mother, the mother is either permanently rejecting and painful, unable to provide love and care, and then the child becomes an overt narcissist, which is essentially affected, emotionally invested in the antisocial defined solution. And if the mother is intermittent, sometimes loving, sometimes not, sometimes accepting, sometimes rejecting, sometimes what, sometimes cold, the child becomes a covert narcissist. And a covert narcissist is a child who still engages in both solutions, the defined antisocial solution and the conforming pseudo-normal solution, but both of them keeps failing all the time because the parent is not a constant figure. This is the childhood situation. Now when it comes to adolescence, adolescents are influenced by peers and role models. In the case of adolescence, there is a coalescence of the two compensatory solutions because for an adolescent to rebel is to conform. The adolescent conforms, for example, to his peer group when he rebels, when he's defined, when he's antisocial. So in the case of adolescence, there is a convergence or a merger between the two compensatory solutions, the antisocial defined one and the conforming pseudo-normal one. Consequently, both overt narcissists and covert narcissists in adolescence engage in both behaviors, but only opposite peers and role models. In this sense, they are normal. Adolescence is characterized by narcissism. There's primary narcissism between the ages of 0 and 2, and there's a second round of narcissism in adolescence. So if in adolescence you're narcissistic, you're actually normal. Next is adulthood. Adulthood involves life plan, goal attainment, and so on, and object relations. The ability to have interpersonal, maintain interpersonal, initiate and maintain interpersonal relationships with other people, especially romantic and intimate relationships. The narcissist, of course, is a failure in all these. He is incapable of maintaining a life plan. He is very desultory and itinerant. He fails to obtain the vast majority of his goals, with the exception of narcissistic supply. And he does, narcissists does not have object relations. He has a shared fantasy. Shared fantasy has nothing to do with an object relation with object relations, because it doesn't involve an object. The narcissists cannot perceive other people as separate and external. So the narcissists never have external object relations. They have only internal object relations. And so they have a shared fantasy. It's a fantasy between the narcissist and an idealized internal object between the narcissist and himself. It's auto erotic, auto romantic, in effect. The narcissist intimate partner has been rendered a figment of the narcissist mind. She doesn't exist anymore externally. She exists only internally. Narcissist is making love to himself in every possible way. So in adulthood, all narcissists, overt and covert, simply fail in the conforming pseudo-normal solution. They try it from time to time and they keep failing. So because they keep failing with this solution, all of them gravitate to the other solution, to the defined antisocial solution. And all narcissists, without a single exception, overt, grandiose, covert, shy, fragile, vulnerable, somatic, cerebral, you name it. All narcissists end up being defined and antisocial, because their attempts to be long, to be accepted, to conform, to maintain a stable life, a relationship that is functional and long-term, all these attempts keep failing. So they say, they help with it. I'm going to be my own man. I'm going to stand out. I'm going to be unique. I'm going to be special. I'm going to be perfect. I'm going to be godlike, etc. I'm going to be defined and consummated and reckless and I'm going to be, I'm going to be a hero. It's a psychopathic mindset. All narcissists are driven towards a psychopathic pole in adulthood. Middle age brings its own challenges. The body declines. The cognitive decline. And so middle age constitutes diffuse modification. The narcissist keeps getting exposed to other people's criticism, even ridicule. It's very humiliating. And he gets in touch with his own reservoir of life-threatening shame, time and again. So middle age is diffuse modification. And because the narcissist no longer has any skill at exercising the conforming pseudo-normal solution, the narcissist reacts to this diffuse modification of gradual decline by becoming rebellious. The narcissist rebels against the dimming of the light. The narcissist defies society, authority, his own family. He just breaks all the structures that he has constructed. All the chains, what he perceives as chains, he is a prometheus, unleashed and unbound. And so he rebels. Of course, this rebellion creates a lot of anxiety or even panic. The middle age narcissist always suffers from anxiety and very often from depression. So many narcissists regress. This used to be called the midlife crisis. Many narcissists regress. They regress to the womb, a safe place. A safe place that allows them to maintain their grandiose self-perception and self-image without any external challenges. Because it's isolated from the world. They become solipsistic and in clinical terms schizoid. And they engage much more forcefully and ubiquitously and more pervasively in shared fantasies. Their mate selection becomes severely impaired. They choose the wrong mate's peak time, wrong age, wrong mental health, wrong everything. So in the middle age, because the narcissist's decline mortifies him. He rebels. He regresses. He becomes infantilized. He retreats and withdraws into a fantasy defense. And he tries to fit into the fantasy defense. Mates, romantic mates, intimate mates, friends, colleagues tries to fit into this shared metastasizing shared fantasy. He tries to fit into it all kinds of people which are highly inappropriate and detrimental to the fantasy defense. And this of course tends to multiply even further and more frequently. So middle age in narcissism is a counter-suck. It's a dead end because none of the solutions is working. Not the first and not the second. When narcissists is antisocial and defined, it leads him nowhere basically. When he tries to conform and be pseudo-normal, he keeps failing. Middle age is a very, very difficult phase of life for the narcissist. And then there is senescence, old age. And this is when the narcissist pays the price. He bears the consequences of his choices, decisions and behaviors in the past. Anything from social isolation, ostracism, incarceration in extreme cases, indigence and so on. Senescence in the narcissist. The end years, the end game, the declining years. The years of putrescence and decay and decomposition. These are the most difficult years. Because while in the middle ages, the narcissist keeps experimenting with the antisocial defined solution and the conforming solution and the pseudo-normal solution. And so he keeps kind of going through, rotating through a cycle of compensatory solutions. Gleaned from his earlier life, adulthood, adolescence. In senescence, he has given up. He has given up on all attempts to engage with life. He no longer tries to implement these solutions. He's overwhelmed by the consequences of his past, his choices, decisions and actions. And he's in a constant state of extreme anxiety. He's pretty paralyzed by it. And now, of course, these are all generalizations. We find people, for example, like Donald Trump, who are still essentially engaged in a battle which is much more typical of adolescence, adolescent tendencies. So depending on how stunted the development is, how arrested it is, we can find us as trapped in childhood or in adolescence until they die. But this is a minority. The trajectory of the lifespan that I've just described, with its interplay of the two solutions, sometimes working, sometimes not. With the consequences of these solutions working or dysfunctional, this is typical of the narcissist's life.  Self-deception above everything else. The narcissist in his last years on earth begins to realize the meaning of karma.


Hi, my name is Dash Wheeland. I was hired in April of this year as a data analyst on the pre-prince platform. A few things have happened since April, and I don't think I need to enumerate for you all the various issues that we're facing as a nation, as a society, even as a species, because I know that you're thinking about them every day like I am. And I think that that's the primary way that my work has been impacted over the last several months. It can be genuinely difficult to focus on the tasks at hand. One needs to be done today. When in the periphery, there are these massive issues that feel overwhelming and all-encompassing. I know that I'm not alone in that. And I know that because of the conversations that I've had with my colleagues and my co-workers, there's a spirit of openness, of open communication, of a willingness to share struggle and to deal with the complexities of life that I'm extremely thankful for. In the same way that we share our lives with one another, children and partners and pets joining in on video calls, we're also sharing our hopes and our personal struggles and our fears. That has made me extremely thankful for my co-workers and for Research Square as a company. During a period of pretty immense instability, I know that this is a stable place. I know that I can count on all of you for support. And I know that more than co-workers, you are friends. So no matter what the future holds, I'm glad I'll be experiencing it with all of you.