Chapter 28 The Life and Adventures of James P. Beckworth Mountaineer, Scout, and Pioneer and Chief of the Crow Nation of Indians Written from his own dictation by T. D. Bonner This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. It now comes in the order of relation to describe two or three unpleasant encounters I had with various parties in St. Louis. Growing out of the misunderstanding already related between the Crows and Mr. Fitzpatrick's party. I had already heard reports in the mountains detrimental to my character for my supposed action in the matter, but I had never paid much attention to them. Friends had cautioned me that they were large sums of money offered for my life, and that several men had even undertaken to earn the rewards. I could not credit such friendly intimations. Still, I thought, on the principle that there is never smoke, but there is fire. That it would be as well to keep myself a little on my guard. I had recovered from my sickness, and I spent much of my time about town. My friends repeatedly inquired of me if I had seen Fitzpatrick, wondering how so much interest could attach to my meeting with that man. I asked one day what reason there was for making the inquiry. My friend answered, I don't wish you to adduce me as authority, but there are strong threats of taking your life for an alleged robbery of Fitzpatrick by the Crown Nation in which you were deeply concerned. I saw now what to prepare for, although I still inclined to doubt that any man possessed of ordinary perceptions could charge me with an offense of which I was so manifestly innocent. True, I had met Fitzpatrick several times, and instead of his former cordial salutation, it was with difficulty he addressed a civil word to me. Shortly after this conversation with my friend, I went to the St. Louis Theater. Between the pieces I had stepped to the saloon to obtain some refreshments, and I saw Fitzpatrick enter with four other not very respectable citizens. They advanced directly towards me. Fitzpatrick then pointed me out to them, saying, there's the crow. Then, said the others, we are black feet, and let us have a scalp. They immediately drew their knives and rushed on me. I then thought of my friend's salutary counsel to be on my guard, but I had no weapon about me. With the agility of a cat, I sprung over the counter and commenced passing tumblers faster than they had been in the habit of receiving them. I had felled one or two of my assailants, and I saw I was in for a serious disturbance. A friend, and he is still living in St. Louis, wealthy and influential, stepped behind the bar, and slapping me on the shoulder said, look out Beckworth, you will hurt some of your friends. I replied that my friends did not appear to be very numerous just then. You have friends present, he added, and passing an enormous bowie knife into my hand stepped out again. Now, I was all right and felt myself a match for the five Ruffians. My practice with the battle acts, in a case where the quickness of thought required a corresponding rapidity of action, then came into play. I made a sortie from my position on to the open floor, and challenged the five bullies to come on at the same time, which, in my excited state, was natural enough, calling them by the hardest names. My mind was fully made up to kill them if they had only come at me. My arm was nervous, and my friends, who knew me at that time, could tell whether I was quick-motioned or not. I had been in situations where I had to ply my battle acts with rapidity and precision to redeem my own skull. I was still in full possession of my belligerent powers, and I had the feeling of justice to sustain me. I stood at bay with my huge bowie knife drawn, momentarily hesitating, whether to give the grow war hoop or not. When Sheriff Busby laid hands on me and requested me to be quiet. Although boiling with rage, I respected the officer's presence, and the assassins marched off to the body of the theatre. I followed them to the door, and defied them to descend to the street with me. But the Sheriff becoming angry and threatening me with the Calibus, I straightway left the theatre. I stood upon the steps, and a friend coming up, I borrowed a well-loaded pistol of him, and moved slowly away, thinking that five men would surely never allow themselves to be cowed by one man. Shortly after, I perceived the whole party approaching, and stepping back on the sidewalk in front of a high wall, I waited there coming up. On they came, swaggering along, assuming the appearance of intoxication, and talking with drunken incoherency. When they had approached near enough to suit me, I ordered them to halt, and cross over to the other side of the street. Who are you, inquired one of them?   No, I am not drunk, I replied. I never drink anything to make a dog of me like yourselves. I stood during this short colloquy in the middle of the sidewalk, with my pistol ready cocked in one hand, and my huge bowie knife in the other. One step forward would have been fatal to any one of them. Oh, he's drunk, said one. Let's cross over to the other side. And all five actually did pass over, which, if any of them is still living, and has any regard for truth, he must admit to this day. I then proceeded home. My sister had been informed of the encounter, and on my return home I found her frightened almost to death. For Forsythe, one of the party, had long been the terror of St. Louis, having badly maimed many men, and the information that he was after me led her to the conclusion that I would surely be killed. A few days after, I met two of the party, Forsythe and Kitty. When Forsythe accosted me, your name is Beckworth, I believe. I answered, That is my name. I understand that you have been circulating the report that I attempted to assassinate you. I have told that you and your gang have been endeavoring to murder me, I replied, and I repeated here. I will teach you to repeat such tales about me, he said, fiercely, and drew his knife, which he called his Arkansas toothpick from his pocket. The knife I had provided myself with, against any emergency, was too large to carry about me conveniently, so I carried it at my back, having the handle within reach of my finger and thumb. Seeing his motion, I whipped it out in a second.   Come, Interpose Kenny, let us not make black guards of ourselves. Let us be going. And they actually did pass on without drawing a weapon. I was much pleased that this happened in a public part of the city, and an open day, for the bully, whom it was believed the law could not humble, was visibly cowed, and in the presence of a large concourse of men. I had no more trouble from the party afterward. In connection with this affair, it is but justice to myself to mention that, when Captain Sublet, Fitzpatrick and myself happened to meet in the office of Mr. Chateau, Captain Sublet interrogated Fitzpatrick upon the cause of his hostility toward me, and represented to him at length the open absurdity of his trumping up a charge of robbery of his party in the mountains against me. Being thus pressed, Fitzpatrick used the following words. I never believed the truth of the charge myself, but when I am in the company of sundry persons, they try to persuade me into the belief of it in order to raise trouble. I repeat, it is not my belief at this present moment, and I will not be persuaded into believing it again. Then, turning to me, he said, Beckworth, I have done you a great injustice by ever harboring such a thought. I acknowledge it freely, and I ask your forgiveness for the same. Let us be, as we formerly were, friends, and think no more about it. Friends, we therefore mutually pledged ourselves, and friends we have since remained up to this day. While in town, I called on General Ashley, but he happened to be away from home. I was about leaving the house, when a melodious voice invited me in to await the General's return. My husband will soon be back, the lady said, and we'll be doubtless pleased to see you. I turned and really thought I was looking on an angel's face. She moved toward me with such grace and uttered such dulcet and harmonious sounds that I was riveted to the spot. It was the first time I had seen the lady of General Ashley. I accepted her invitation and was shown into a neat little parlor, the lady taking a seat at the window to act as my entertainer until the return of the General. If I mistake not, she said, you are our mountaineer. I put on all the airs possible and replied, yes, madam, I was with General Ashley when he first went to the mountains. Her grace and affability so charmed me that I could not fix my ideas upon all the remarks she addressed to me. I was conscious I was not showing myself off to advantage, and she kept me saying yes, madam, and no, madam, without any correct understanding of their appropriateness until she aspired the General approaching. Here comes the General, the lady said. I knew he would be not long away. Shortly, the General entered the lodge and fixed his eye upon me in an instant, at the same time whipping his pantaloons playfully with his riding whip. Rising from a better chair than the whole Crow Nation possessed, I said without ceremony, how do you do, General? Gracious heavens, is this you, Beckworth? And he seized my hand with the grip of a vise and nearly shook off my scalp while his lady laughed hardly at the rough salutation of two old mountaineers. My dear, said the General, let me introduce you to Mr. Beckworth. Of whom you have heard me so often make mention. This is the man that saved my life on three different occasions in the Rocky Mountains. Had it not been for our visitor, you would not have been Mrs. Ashley at this moment. But you look sickly, James. What is the matter? I replied, I have been confined to my bed since my arrival in St. Louis. We had a long conversation about the mountains in my residence with the Crow Nation. I was very hospitably entertained by my former commander and his amiable lady, and when I left, the promise was extorted from me to make repeated calls upon them so long as I remained in the city. About the latter end of March, a courier arrived from Fort Cass, bringing tidings of a most alarming character. He had come along through all that vast extent of Indian Territory without being molested. It seemed as though a special providence had shielded him. He found me in the theater and gave me a hasty rehearsal of the business. It seems that a party of trappers who had heard of my departure for St. Louis, having fallen in with a number of Crows, had practiced upon them in regard to me. Your great chief has gone to the White Nation, said the trapper spokesman. Yes, he has gone to see his friend, the great White Chief. And you will never see him again. Yes, he will come back in this season of green grass. No, the great White Chief has killed him. Killed him? Yes.  He was angry because he left the Whites and came to live with the Indians, because he fought for them. It is the greatest wonder in the world that every one of the trapper party did not lose their scalps on the spot. If the Indians had had any prominent leader among them, they infallibly would have been all killed and have paid the penalty of their mischievous lying. Unfortunately for the Crows, they believed all the words of a white man, thinking that his tongue is always straight. These trappers, by their idle invention, had jeopardized the lives of all the white men in the mountains. The Indians said no more, but dashed off to the village and carried the news of my death. How do you know that he is dead? they inquired. Because the Whites told us so, and their tongues are not forked. The Great White Chief was angry because he stayed with our people and he killed him. A council was immediately held to decide upon measures of vengeance. It was determined to proceed to the fort and kill every white man there, and divide all the goods, guns, and ammunition among themselves. Then to send out parties in every direction and make a general massacre of every white man. Enumerable fingers were cut off and hair without measure, and mourning for me. A costly sacrifice was then made to the Great Spirit, and the nation next set about carrying out their plans of vengeance. The village moved toward the fort. Many were opposed to being too hasty, but all agreed that their decisions should be acted upon. The night before the village reached the fort, four women ran on in advance of the village to acquaint Mr. Tulik of the sanguinary intention of the crows. Every precaution was taken to withstand them. Every gun was loaded. The village arrived, and contrary to all precedent, the gates of the fort were closed. The savages were infuriated. The Whites had heard of the death of the medicine calf. And had closed the gates to prevent the anticipated vengeance. The inmates of the fort were in imminent peril. Horror was visible on their continences. They might hold their position for a while, but an investment by from 10 to 15,000 savages must reduce it eventually. Tulik was seated on the fort in great perplexity. Many of the veteran crow warriors were pacing to and fro outside the enclosure. Yellow Belly was provincial head chief during my absence. Tulik called him to him. He rode up and inquired, What is the matter? Why are your gates shut against us? I had a dream last night, replied Tulik, and my medicine told me I had to fight my own people today. Yes, your bird told you truth. He did not lie.  But the medicine calf is not dead. He will certainly come back again. Yes, he is dead. The Whites told us so, and they never lie. You need not try to escape by saying he is not dead, for we will not believe your words. You cannot escape us. You can neither dig into the ground nor fly into the air. If you attempt to run, I will put five thousand warriors upon your trail and follow you to the White Chief. Even there you shall not escape us. We have loved the Whites, but we now hate them, and we are all angry. You have but little meat in the fort, and I know it.  My son, little Jim, was standing near the fort, and Mr. Tulik called him to him. The child's answer was, away, you smell bloody. Mr. Tulik, however, induced him to approach and said, Black Panther, I have always loved your father, and you, and all the warriors.  No. They have told you that your father is dead, but they have lied. He lives and will come back to you. The White Chief has not killed him. My words are true. Do you believe your friend and the friend of your father? Yes, I love my father. He is a great chief. When he is here, I feel happy. I feel strong. But if he is dead, I shall never feel happy anymore. My mother has cried four sons for him, and tells me I shall see him no more, which makes me cry. Your father shall come back, my son, if you will listen to what I now say to you.  Go, and tell the chief that he must grant what I have told you for your sake, and if he does not listen to you, you will never see your father any more. Go, the child accordingly went to Yellow Belly and begged him to grant one request. The chief, supposing that he was about to request permission to kill a particular man at the fort, said, certainly my son, any request you make shall be granted. Speak, what is it?  It shall be so, my son, Yellow Belly assented. Go, and tell the crane to send for your father, for not a warrior shall follow the trail of the white runner, or even look upon it. If he does, as he says, the white shall all live. If he fails, they shall all die. Now go, and harangue the people, and tell all the warriors that the crane is going to send for your father, and the warrior who follows the runner's trail shall die. Yellow Belly has said it. He mounted a horse, and did as the chief had directed. Joseph Pappin volunteered to deliver the message to me. It was encountering a fearful hazard. His inducement was a bonus of one thousand dollars. The morning following the receipt of this intelligence, I saw Mr. Chateau, who was in receipt of a letter from Mr. Tulick by the same messenger. He was in great uneasiness of mind. There was over one hundred thousand dollars worth of goods in the fort, and he urged me to start without delay. The distance from St. Louis was estimated at two thousand seven hundred and fifty miles, and the safety of the men rendered the greatest expedition necessary. Any sum I might ask would be willingly paid me. Go, said he, engage as many men as you wish. Purchase all the horses you require. We will pay the bills. He also furnished me with instructions to all the agents on the way to provide me with whatever I inquired for. The price I demanded for my services was five thousand dollars, which was, without scruple, allowed me. I hired two men to accompany me, Pappin being one, to whom I gave fifteen hundred and one thousand dollars respectively. Our horses being procured and every necessary supplied us a way we started upon our journey, which occupied us fifty three days as the traveling was bad. Our last resting place was Fort Clark. Thence we struck directly across through a hostile Indian country, arriving in safety within hailing distance of the fort before the cherries were ripe, although they were very near it. I rested on a gentle rise of ground to contemplate the mass of people I saw before me. There they lay, in their absorbing devotedness to their absent chief, day and night, for long months they had stayed by that wooden enclosure watching for my return or to take fearful vengeance upon their prey. They had loved the whites, but those whites had now killed their chief because he had returned to his own people to fight for his kindred and nation. The chief who had loved them much and made them rich and strong. They were now feared by their enemies and respected by all. Their prairies were covered with thousands of horses, and their lodges were full of the wealth derived from the whites. For this the white chief had killed him, and a war of extermination was denounced against them. The fort and its inmates were within their grasp. If the crane would redeem his pledge and produce their missing chief, all were well. But if the appointed time passed by, and he were not forthcoming, it was fearful to contemplate the vengeance they would inflict. When I thought of those contemptible wretches, who merely to wanton with the faith that the artless savages reposed in them could fabricate a lie and arouse all this impending danger, I felt that a death at the stake would not transcend their desserts. I put my horse into speed, and rode in among the Indians. I made the usual salutation on arriving before them, and riding through their ranks sullenly, I repeated two or three times, I am angry. Every eye was turned on me, but not a warrior stirred. The women seized their children and ran into lodges. The medicine calf had arrived, but he was angry. I advanced to the strong and well-secured gate of the fort, and struck it a heavy blow with my battle-axe. Hello, boys, I shouted. Open your gate, and admit a friend. Jim Beckworth, by Heaven's Jim Beckworth, was repeated from tongue to tongue. The gates flew open upon their massive hinges, and as I rode through, I said, leave the gates open, boys, there is no longer danger. I exchanged but a few words with Mr. Tuluk, as I had a difficult business before me. The people I had to mollify were subject to strange caprices, and I had not resolved what policy to adopt toward them.  This was a token of my great displeasure. The braves came round me slowly. My wives all formed themselves in a circular line, and marched round me, each one pausing as she passed to place her hand on the back of my neck. The brave old yellowbelly was the first one to speak, and what he said was to the purpose. What is matter with our chief? he inquired. Who has angered the medicine calf?  And what do I behold on my return? Yes, I told you I would take care of the crane and these other whites while you were gone, and I have done so. My warriors have killed buffalo for them to eat, and our women have brought them wood and water for their use, and they are all alive. Look! Yonder is the crane, and his white people are all with him. Are they dead? No, but you intended to kill them. Yes, but listen! If you had not returned before the cherries turned red, we should have killed them all, and every other white man besides that we could have found in the Amma Habas, Rocky Mountains. Now hear what I have to say. Suppose I am now going to war, or I am going to die. I come to you and say, my friend, I am going to die, Yonder. I want you to be a kind friend to my children, and protect them after I depart for the land of the Great Spirit.   They are crying mournfully, and your heart pities them. Among the children is a son in whom you behold the image of your friend who is no more.  You have seen her triumphant entry into the Metis and Lodge, where you have beheld so many cut to pieces and attempting the same. You say, here is the virtuous wife of my friend. She is beloved and respected by the whole nation. She asks you to revenge her loss, the loss that has deprived her of her husband and the child of its father. In such a case, what would you do? Speak. I should certainly take my warriors, I replied, and go and avenge your loss. That is just what I was going to do for your relatives, friends, and nation. Now punish me if I have done wrong. I had nothing to say in answer, and my head again fell. The spell was not yet broken. The crow-belt, an old and crafty brave, whispered to a young warrior, who rose in silence and immediately left the fort. Mrs. Tulik shortly presented herself and commenced tantalizing the crows. What are your warriors waiting for, who have been thirsting so many suns to kill the whites? You have been brave for a long while. Where is all your bravery now? The gates are set wide open, and only three have joined the few whites whom you thirsted to kill. Why don't you begin? What are you afraid of? She continued in this aggravating strain. The warriors hearing it all, although they did not appear to notice her. The woman's voice was aggrievably relieved by tones uttered outside the gate, which at that moment fell upon my ear, and at which I readily recognized as the voice of pine leaf. She was haranguing her warriors in an animated manner, and delivering what in civilized life would be called her valedictory address. Warriors, she said, I am now about to make a great sacrifice for my people. For many winters I have been on the warpath with you. I shall tread that path no more. You have now to fight the enemy without me. When I laid down my needle and my beads and took up the battle-axe and the lance, my arm was weak, but few winters had passed over my head. My brother had been killed by the enemy and was gone to the hunting ground of the Great Spirit. I saw him in my dreams. He would beckon for his sister to come to him. It was my heart's desire to go to him, but I wished first to become a warrior, that I might avenge his death upon his foes before I went away. I said I would kill one hundred foes before I married any living man. I have more than kept my word, as our great chief and medicine men can tell you. As my arm increased in strength, the enemy learned to fear me. I have accomplished the task I set before me. Henceforward I leave the warpaths of my people. I have fought my last battle and hurled my last lance. I am a warrior no more. Today the medicine calf has returned. He has returned angry at the follies of his people, and they fear that he will again leave them. They believe that he loves me and that my devotion to him will attach him to the nation. I therefore bestow myself upon him. Perhaps he will be contented with me and will leave us no more. Warriors, farewell. She then entered the fort and said, Sparrowhawks, one who has followed you for many winters, is about to leave your warpath forever. When have you seen Bar-Chi and Pei shrink from the charge? You have seen her lance red with the blood of the enemy more than ten times ten. You know what her vow was, and you know she has kept her word. Many of you have tried to make her break her word, which you knew she had passed to the Great Spirit when she lost her brother. But you found that, though a woman, she had the heart of a warrior. Do not turn your heads, but listen. You have seen that a woman can keep her word. During the many winters that I have followed you faithfully in the warpath, you have refused to let me into the warpath secret, although you tell it to striplings on their second excursion. It was unfair that I could not know it, that I must be sent away with the women and children, when the secret was made known to those one battle braves.  But let it go, I care no farther for it. I am about to sacrifice what I have always chosen to preserve, my liberty. The back of my steed has been my lodge and my home. On his back, armed with my lance and battle axe, I knew no fear. The medicine chief, when fighting by my side, has displayed a noble courage and a lofty spirit, any one from my heart. What no other warrior has ever won, the promise to marry him when my vow was fulfilled. He has done much for our people. He has fought their enemies and spilled his blood for them. When I shall become his wife, I shall be fond and faithful to him. My heart feels pure before the great spirit and the sun. When I shall be no more on the warpath, obey the voice of the medicine calf, and you will grow stronger and stronger. We shall continue a great and happy people, and he will leave us no more. I have done. She then approached me, every eye being intently fixed upon her.  Look at me, she said. I know that your heart is crying for the follies of the people, but let it cry no more. I know you have ridden day and night to keep us from evil. You have made us strong, and your desire is to preserve us strong. Now stay at home with us, and you will not be obliged to go to war more than twice in twelve moons. And now, my friend, I am yours after you have so long been seeking me. I believe you love me, for you have often told me you did, and I believe you have not a forked tongue. Our lodge shall be a happy one, and when you depart to the happy hunting ground, I will be already there to welcome you. This day I become your wife. Barchi MP is a warrior, no more. This relieved me of my melancholy. I shook the braves by the hand all round, and narrated much of my recent adventures to them. When I came to my danger in the Erika Ray country, they were almost boiling with wrath, and asked my permission to go and exterminate them. Pine Leaf left the fort with my sisters to go and dress for the short marriage ceremony. She had so long worn the war costume that female apparels seemed hardly to become her. She returned so transformed in appearance that the beholder could scarcely recognize her for the same person. When I visited her lodge in the evening, I found her dressed like a queen, with a lodge full of her own and my relatives to witness the nuptials. She was naturally a pensive, deep-thinking girl. Her mind seemed absorbed in some other object than worldly matters. It might be that her continual remembrance of her brother's early fall had tinged her mind with melancholy. Or it might be constitutional to her. But for an Indian girl, she had more of that winning grace, more of those feminine blandishments. In short, she approached nearer to our ideal of a woman that her savage birth and breed would seem to render possible. This was my last marriage in the Crow Nation. Pine Leaf, the pride and admiration of her people, was no longer the dauntless and victorious warrior, the avenger of the fall of her brother. She retired from the field of her glory and became the affectionate wife of the medicine calf. The difficulty being now entirely removed, we quitted our encampment and went on a hunting excursion. We were away but a few days and then returned to the fort. One morning, it was discovered a large drove of horses was missing. A party was dispatched along the trail, which conducted them precisely the same route they took before. I raised a party and again struck across the muscle shell, and finding I was before the fugitives, I secreted my warriors as before. We had waited but a few moments when I saw the enemy emerge from the pines, not more than a mile distant. Pine Leaf and my little wife were with me. My new bride, as she saw the enemy approach, lost all recollection of her new character. Her eye assumed its former martial fire, and had she had her former war equipments, beyond all doubt she would have joined in the dash upon the foe. The pursuit, which was a party of Blackfeet, were hard pressed by their pursuers in the rear, but very shortly they were harder pushed in the van. When within proper distance, I gave the word, Charge, and every Blackfoot instantly perished. So sudden was our attack that they had not time to fire a gun. I struck down one man and looking round for another to ride at, I found they were all dead. The pursuers did not arrive in time to participate in the fight. We took thirty-eight scalps and recovered one thousand horses, with which we returned to the fort. This was my last battle in the Crow Nation. The scalp I relieved the Blackfoot of was the last I ever took for them. Before my sudden recall from St. Louis, I had entered into negotiations which I now felt I would like to complete. I had informed the Crows, after my marriage with Pine Leaf, that I must return to the country of the Whites, as they had called me away before I had had time to finish my business. When the boats were ready to go downstream, I stepped on board and proceeded as far as Fort Union. Previous to departing, I informed the Crows that I should be back in four seasons, as I at that time supposed I should. I told them to credit no reports of my death, for they were all false. The Whites would never kill me. Pine Leaf inquired if I would certainly come back. I assured her that if life was preserved to me, I would. I had been married but five weeks when I left, and I have never seen her since. I was disappointed in my expectation of entering into a satisfactory engagement to the agent of the company, so I kept on to St. Louis. In good truth, I was tired of savage life under any aspect. I knew that, if I remained with them, it would be war and carnage to the end of the chapter, and my mind sickened at the repetition of such scenes. Savage life admits of no repose to the man who desires to retain the character of a great brave. There is no retiring upon your laurels. I could have become a pipe man, but I did not like to descend to that, and farther I could not reconcile myself to a life of inactivity. Pine Leaf and my little wife would have excited their powers of pleasing to procure me happiness, but I felt I was not doing justice to myself to relapse irretrievably into barbarism. It certainly grieved me to leave a people who repose so much trust in me, and with whom I have been associated so long. And indeed, could I have made an engagement with the American Fur Company as I had hoped to do. I should have redeemed my promise to the Crows, and possibly have finished my days with them. But being mistaken in my calculations, I was led on to scenes wilder and still more various, yet dignified with the name of greater utility, because associated with the interest of civilization. End of chapter 28. Chapter 29 The Life and Adventures of James P. Beckworth. Mountaineer, Scout, and Pioneer, and Chief of the Crow Nation of Indians. Written from his own dictation by T. D. Bonner. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. I had speedy passage to St. Louis, and arrived there after an absence of five months. I mentioned that I had left some business unsettled at the time of my sudden leave. This was none other than an affair matrimonial, but on my return I had some misunderstanding with my fair Dulcinea, and the courtship dropped through. At this time the Florida war was unfinished. General Gaines was in St. Louis for the purpose of raising a company of men familiar with Indian habits. Mr. Sublett had spoken to him about me, and had recommended me as being particularly well acquainted with Indian life. The general sent a request that I would call upon him at his quarters. I went accordingly and was introduced by Sublett. The general inquired of me how I would like to go to Florida to fight the Indians. I replied that I had seen so much of Indian warfare during the last 16 years that I was about tired of it and did not want to engage in it again, at least for the present. He remarked that there was a good opportunity there for a renown. He wished, he said, to raise a company which would go down as moloteers. That their duties would be light and so on through the stereotyped benefits peculiar to a soldier's life. Sublett recommended me to engage. Florida, he said, was a delightful country, and I should find a wide difference between the cold regions of the Rocky Mountains and the genial and salubrious South. The general then inquired if I could not raise a company of mountain boys to go with me. I replied that I thought I could, or that at any rate, I would make the effort. The trapping business was unusually dull at that time, and there were plenty of unoccupied men in the city ready to engage in any enterprise. I went among my acquaintance and soon collected a company of 64 men. I went and reported my success to the general. He wished to see the men. I brought them all forward and had their names enrolled. I was appointed captain of the company with three lieutenants elected from the men. On the ninth day of my stay in St. Louis, we went on board a steamer going downstream and were quickly on our way to the seminal country. We had a delightful journey to New Orleans, where we were detained five days in waiting for a vessel to transport us to the fields of renown. While waiting in New Orleans, I fell in with several old acquaintances who gave me an elegant parting dinner. I then sported the commission of captain in the service of Uncle Sam. Our vessel, the maid of New York, Captain Carr, being at length ready for sea. My soldiers, with their horses, were taken on board, and we set sail for Tampa Bay. I now, for the first time in my life, saw salt water, and the sickness it produced in me led me to curse General Gaines and the trappings of war to boot. Our vessel stranded on a reef, and there she remained snug enough. All efforts to dislodge her, proving fruitless. There was one small island in sight to Leeward. In every other direction, there was nothing visible but the heaving ocean. Wreckers, who seemed to rise from the sea foam, flocked instantly around us, and were received by our captain with a ready volley of nautical complement. The vessel had settled deeply into a bed of sand and rock. The water was rapidly gaining in her hold, and my commission, together with my gallant companions and arms, seemed at that moment to have a slim chance of ever serving a respected uncle in the fields of Renown. I ascended the rigging to take a survey of the country. Many a time, an elevated prospect had delivered me from difficulties, if dissimilar, yet not less eminent than those that now menaced me. Still, I felt that could those rat lines I was now ascending be transformed into the back of my Indian war-steed. This ocean be replaced with a prairie, and that distant speck which they called an island be transmuted into a buffalo, I would give my chance of a major generalship in purchase of the change. For the sensations of hunger I began to feel were uncomfortably acute, and I saw no immediate prospect of alleviating the pain. Suddenly I saw a long line of black smoke, which I thought must be from a prairie fire. I reported my discovery to the captain, and he hoisted our colors at half mass to signal for assistance. A small steamer came in sight and made toward us, and finally ranged up under our stern. She took off all my men except myself and twelve others. I wrote to the Commandant at Tampa Bay to inform him of our situation, and asking him for immediate assistance. After twelve days stay on the reef, two small brigs came out to us and received on board ourselves with our horses and forage, conveying us to Tampa Bay where they cast anchor. Major Bryant sent for me to his quarters, and I forthwith presented myself before him. This officer gave me a very cordial welcome, congratulating the service on having an experienced mountaineer and saying several other very complementary things. At length he said, Captain Beckworth, I wish to open a communication between this port and the headquarters of Colonel Jessup, distant about 100 miles. I have received no dispatches from there, although nine couriers have been dispatched by Colonel Taylor. I replied, Sir, I have no knowledge of the country. I know nothing of its roads or trails, the situation of its posts, nor do I so much as know the position of Colonel Jessup's command. To attempt to convey dispatches while so little prepared to keep out of harm's way, I very much fear would be to again disappoint the service in the delivery of its messages and to afford the Seminoles an additional scalp to those they have already taken. He poo-pooed my objections. A man, said Major Bryant, who has fought the Indians and the Rocky Mountains the number of years that you have will find no difficulty here in Florida. Well, I assented, furnish me with the bearings of the country and direct me to the Colonel's camp and I will do my best to reach there. Accordingly, the Major furnished me with all the necessary instructions and I started alone on my errand. It was my acquired habit never to travel along any beaten path or open trail, but rather to give such road a wide berth and take the chances of the open country. I observed my invariable custom on this occasion, merely keeping in view the bearings of the position I was steering for. I started for Major Bryant's post about sunrise and reached the Colonel's headquarters at Nightfall the following day. I passed through the camp without seeing it, but the sound of a bugle falling on my ear I tacked about and finally alightened upon it. As I rode up, I was hailed by a sentinel. Who come, dear? An express. Vatu vat in Dishkamp. I wish to see Colonel Jessup call the officer of the guard. That for you come from that way, verish dishiminals. Call your officer of the guard, said I impatiently. The officer of the guard at length appeared. What are you here again for? he inquired of me. I wish to see the commanding officer, I replied. Yes, you are always wishing to see the commanding officer, he said, but he will not be troubled with you much longer. He will soon commence hanging you all. I demand to be shown to the commanding officer, sir, I reiterated. Who are you then? I am a bearer of dispatches. Give them to me. I was not instructed to give them to you. I shall not do it, sir. I believe you came from the Seminals. You came from that direction. You believe wrong, sir. Will you show me to Colonel Jessup, or will you not? This very cautious officer of the guard then went to the Marquis of the Colonel and addressed him. Here is another of those Seminals, sir, who says he has dispatches for you. What shall I do with them? The Colonel came out and eyed me scrutinizingly. Have you brought dispatches for me, he inquired. I have, sir. From where? From Tampa Bay, sir. He came from the Seminals, Colonel, interposed the officer of the guard. You are mistaken again, sir, I said, giving him the look of a crow in the midst of battle. For I was not yet hireling enough not to feel aggravated at being called by implication a liar. Let me see your dispatches, said the Colonel. I handed him the documents. He took them and passed into his tent. This did not suit me. I resolved to return instantly. I had not been treated with common civility. No inquiries had been made about my appetite. I was not even invited to a light from my horse. I had neither eaten nor slept since I left Tampa Bay. I was on the point of turning my horse's head, secretly resolving that these were the last dispatches I would bear in that direction when the Colonel called. Captain Beckworth, a light, a light, sir, and come into my quarters. Orderly, have Captain Beckworth's horse taken immediately care of. You must be hungry, Captain. What I need most now is sleep, I said. Let me have a little repose, and then I shall feel refreshed and will not refuse to sit down to a meal. The Colonel bowed assent and raising a canvas door pointed out to me a place for repose. At the same time promising me I should not be disturbed. When I awoke, I presented myself and was regaled with a good substantial supper. This recruited me and I was again fit for service. The Colonel made many inquiries of my past service. Major Bryant had made very favorable mention of me in his dispatches, which seemed to have inspired quite an interest in the Colonel's mind. He asked me if I was a native of Florida, where I had spent my early days, and my reason for entering the Army. I answered all his questions as briefly as possible, mentioning that I had been tempted among the Seminoles by the promise held out by General Gaines of my gaining renown. The Colonel thought my company of Mountaineers a valuable acquisition to the service, and he made no doubt we should achieve great credit in ferreting out the hiding places of the Indians. He soon had his papers ready. They were delivered to me and I departed. On the way I stopped at a fort, the name of which I forget, and took a fresh horse. I finally arrived at the bay without seeing an Indian. I stayed with my company for two or three weeks at Fort Brooke, during which time we were engaged in breaking in mules. We were then placed under the command of Colonel Taylor, afterward General, and President of the United States, whose force was composed of United States troops and volunteers, some of the latter being from Missouri. The Colonel advanced southward with 1600 men, erecting, as we advanced, a fort at the interval of every 25 miles. On the morning of Christmas Day, 1837, our camp was beleaguered by a large force of Indians, and Colonel Taylor ordered in advance upon them. The spot was thickly grown with trees, and numbers of our assailants were concealed among the branches. As our line advanced, therefore, many were singled out by the enemy, and we'd lost fearfully and killed and wounded. The yelling was the most deafening I ever heard, for there were many negroes among the enemy, and their yells drowned those of the red man. I soon found we had a different enemy from the black feet to fight, and different ground to fight on. The country lost several valuable lives through this slight brush with the Indians. The gallant Colonel Gentry of the Missouri volunteers was shot through the head. Colonel Thompson and several other officers were also among the slain. The enemy had made an excellent choice of ground, and could see our troops while remaining concealed themselves. I placed myself behind a tree, and Captain Morgan of the Missouri Spies was similarly sheltered close by. We were surrounded with Indians, and one was watching on the opposite side of the tree that protected me for a chance to get my scalp.  As he fell to the ground, it shook beneath him. The fruit was ripe, but unfit for food. Seeing the men dropped around, Major Price ordered a retreat. The order was instantly countermanded by Colonel Davenport, who by doing so saved many lives. Colonel Foster had taken a very exposed position on the bow of a tree, where he was visible to all. He ordered his men to lie low and load their muskets. He waited till he saw a favorable opportunity, and then shouted, Fire Boys, and poured into the red and black rascals. A charge with bayonets was finally ordered, and the Indians, not relishing the look of the sharp steel, retreated. However, not before they had seized a sergeant major and a private from our line and scalped them alive. This was the battle of Okechobee, which lasted four hours. We lost over a hundred and killed and wounded. The enemy left nine Indians and a negro dead upon the field. Sam Jones, the halfbreed, was only eight miles distant, with a force of a thousand warriors. Most providentially, he had been dissuaded by the negroes from advancing, who assured him that the whites would not fight on Christmas Day. It was reported that Colonel Taylor was uncontrollably angry during the battle, and that his aides and other officers had to hold him by main force to prevent him from rushing among the enemy and meeting certain death. I do not know what truth there was in this, for I saw nothing of it, nor indeed did I see the Colonel during the whole of the four hours fighting. On the conclusion of the action, Colonel Taylor wished to send dispatches to Tampa Bay. He requested Captain Lomax to take his company and go with them. The captain refused for the reason that he and his men would infallibly be massacred. The Colonel remarked then, since you are all afraid, I will go myself. He sent for me and demanded if I could raise a sufficient number of brave men among my mountaineers to carry dispatches to the bay. I answered, certainly, if I could have his favorite horse, which was the fleetest one in the whole army, and such excellent bottom that he was as fresh after a journey as before. I considered that if I had to run the gauntlet through a host of seminal and infuriated negroes, the best horse was none too good, and was indeed my only means of salvation. When ready to start, I applied for the dispatches. Where are your men? asked the Colonel. My men are in their quarters, Colonel, I said. I am going to carry those dispatches by myself. They must go through, he remarked, and I want them to go well guarded. I am not going to fight, Colonel, I replied. I am going to run. And one man will make less noise than twenty. If I am not killed, the dispatches shall arrive safe. My life is certainly worth as much to me as the charge I am entrusted with, and for personal safety I prefer going alone. In our progress, out the troops had cut their way through several hummocks, and had thrown the bushes up on both sides. I had to pass through some of these lanes. It was night when I started, and as I was riding through one of these excavations at a good pace I heard a sudden noise in the brush. I saw myself in a trap, and my hair bristled up with the fright. I was greatly relieved, however, by the speedy discovery that it was only a deer I had scared, and which was scampering away at its utmost speed. I continued on, resting a short time at each fort, until I arrived in sight of Fort Brook. As soon as I arrived within hailing distance, I shouted, Victory, Victory, which brought out officers and men impatient to hear the news. I could not see that Okeechobee was much of a victory. Indeed, I shrewdly suspected that the enemy had the advantage. But it was called a victory by the soldiers, and they were the best qualified to decide. On my return, I found Colonel Taylor soon after the battle had retrograded to Fort Bassinger. We lay at the fort for a long while. Spies were vigilantly on the lookout, but nothing very encouraging was reported. I and my company of mountaineers did not encamp with the other troops, but took up our quarters at a considerable distance from the main guard. We were quite tired of inactivity and wanted to go somewhere or do something. Being quartered by ourselves, we were not subjected to the restrictions and military regulations of the camp. We had our own jollifications and indulged in some little comforts which the camp did not enjoy. We always would have a large fire when there was need for it, for it destroyed the millions of mosquitoes and other vermin that annoyed us. And as some of our company were always about, the Indians never molested us. There was a large hammock about four miles distant from the fort which the Indians infested in great numbers. But as they could not be dislodged without great loss, our Colonel was constrained to contend himself with closely watching them. One day I proposed to my men to take a stroll and they fell with great elecrity into the proposition. We passed down to the interdicted hammock where we shot two deer and found quite an assortment of stock. We drove them all to the camp before us, to the great admiration of the officers and men present. We had captured quite a drove of hogs, several head of cattle, and a good sprinkling of seminal ponies. We saw no Indians at the hammock, though certainly we did not search very diligently for them, during our stay at the fort. The communication between that post and Charlotte's harbor was closed and one messenger had been killed. The quartermaster inquired of me if I would undertake the trip. I told him I would and set $100 as the price of the undertaking, which he thought quite reasonable. I started with the dispatches and proceeded at an easy gallop, my eye glancing in every direction as had been my want for many years. In casting a look about two gunshots ahead, I felt sure that I saw some feathers showing themselves just above the palmentos and exactly in the direction that I was bending my steps. I rode a short distance farther and my suspicion was confirmed. I immediately stopped my horse and dismounted as though for the purpose of adjusting my saddle, but in reality to watch my supposed foes. In a minute or two several heads appeared, looking in my direction and withdrew again in an instant. Immediately the heads declined behind the grass. I sprang upon my horse and rained him out of the road, taking a wide circuit round them which I knew would carry me out of danger. I then looked after them and tantalized them with my gestures in every manner possible, motioning them to come and see me. But they seemed to be aware that their legs were not long enough to reach me, so they digested their disappointment and troubled me no farther. I arrived safe at the harbor that same day, delivered my dispatches, and was back at the fort the following night. We now experienced a heavy rain which deluged the entire country and prevented any farther operations against the Indians. The Colonel ordered a retreat to Tampa Bay and as there was no danger of molestation on the way, many of the officers obtained liberty to gallop on in advance of the army. Colonel Bryant wrote a very valuable black charger acknowledged to be the best horse in camp. After traveling on a while, the Colonel said, I have a notion to ride on and get in today as my presence is required. You can get in tomorrow at your leisure. A number said, if you can get in today, we can, and finally the whole party proposed starting off together. We at length came to a swampy place in the road which spread over five miles and in many places took our horses off their feet. This place forwarded. There was then a narrow stream and after that it was all dry land. Having passed the swamp and the stream and got fairly on to dry land again, I took the saddle off my mule which example all followed and with the assistance of a brother officer rung the saddle blanket as dry as possible and then spread it out fairly in the sun to dry. In the meanwhile the horses helped themselves to a good feed of grass and we all partook of a hardy lunch likewise. Thus refreshed we saddled up and proceeded again. After a few miles travel we discovered the rear of Bryant's party who were toiling slowly along and goring their animals flanks in the vain endeavor to urge them into speed. We passed them with a hardy cheer. We journeyed on until within three miles of the fort where there was a short bend in the road and a foot trail across which saved about a hundred yards. Now gentlemen said I, let us raise a gallop and pass everybody on the road. The work was at once accomplished some of my men deriding those left behind on account of their miserable progress. We then all struck into a gallop and soon reached the fort and several of our company found time to get quite intoxicated before the quartermaster arrived. He however soon recovered his equanimity of temper and begged a solution of the mystery how we could come in with our animals fresh while his and his companions horses were jaded to death. He was referred by all to the captain of the mountaineers. I said a horse kernel is only flesh and blood and his system requires greater care than that of almost any other animal. We beat your powerful steed with inferior animals by affording them a short rest with a mouthful or two of grass on the road and by ringing our blankets after we had passed the water. Now we had another long interval of inactivity and I began to grow tired of Florida with its inaccessible hummocks. It seemed to me to be a country dear even at the price of the powder that would be required to blow the Indians out of it and certainly a poor field to work in for renown. My company and I its commander had nothing to do except to carry an occasional dispatch and I wanted excitement of some kind. I was indifferent of what nature even if it was no better than borrowing horses of the black feet. The Seminoles had no horses worth stealing or I should certainly have exercised my talents for the benefit of the United States. The last dispatches that I carried in Florida I bore from Fort Dade to Fort Brooke. In accomplishing this I traveled with my customary caution avoiding the trail as much as possible. In a part where I anticipated no danger I took the trail and fell asleep on my horse for I had ridden four days and nights without rest except what I had snatched upon horseback. Suddenly my horse sprang aside instantly awaking me. I found I had been sleeping too long for I had passed the turning point and was now near a hummock. To return would cost me several miles travel. My horse's ears informed me there was something in motion nearby. I pondered my position and ultimately resolved to take the chances and go ahead. The road through the hummock was just wide enough to admit the army wagons to pass. I bid my horse go and he sprung forward with tremendous bounds. He had not reached through this dark and dangerous pass when I saw the flash of several guns and the balls whizzed harmlessly past me. I discharged my pistols at the lair of my foes and traveled on in safety to the fort. I grew tired of this and informed Colonel Bryant that I wished to resign my task. Why? said he. Everybody who undertakes it gets killed while you never see any Indians. What are we to do? When in camp I had frequently seen men come running in half dead with alarm saying that they had seen Indians or had been fired upon by Indians. I remarked that they were always ridiculed by the officers. Even the privates just believed them. Seeing this I determined to say nothing about my adventure. For if they had received my assertion with incredulity it might have led to an unpleasant scene in the windwam. I was determined to return to the home of the free and the land of the brave. For I felt that the mountains and the prairies of the great west, although less attended with renown at least would afford me more of the substantial comforts of life and suit my peculiar taste better than the service of Uncle Sam in Florida. The commander of the fort, after reading the dispatch endorsed on it. Beckworth fired on by a party of Indians when near this post. He then returned it to me and I rode on to Fort Brooke. Colonel Bryant, having read the dispatch said, Ah, Beckworth, you have been fired on I see. Why did you not tell us so on your arrival? I informed him of my reasons as before stated. He smiled. Your word would have been believed by us all, he said.  They have deceived us too often for us to put further faith in them. A seminal came into the fort a few days subsequent to this, to give himself up, his arm being broken. When questioned about it he said that a white man had broken it in such a humic on such a night. I then knew that my pistols, which I fired at random, had done the mischief. Alligator, the seminal chief, shortly after came in and informed Colonel Taylor that he and his tribe had concluded to remove to their new home and requested the Colonel to send down wagons to transport their women and children. I have fought you a long time, said the red man, but I cannot beat you.  I am now ready to go and save the rest of my people. Yes, the Colonel answered, your talk is good. You can now go to your new home and be happy. There is a man pointing to me, who is a great chief of a great nation. You will, for ought I know, be neighbor to his people. He and his people will teach you to hunt the buffalo, and I hope you will be good friends. While I was with the army a tragedy occurred, which I have never seen in any public print, and I deem it of sufficient interest to make mention of it here. A young private, a very respectable connections, had been tried for some offense and sentenced to receive a flogging, which was carried unmercifully into effect. After he had recovered, the surgeon made him go and report himself fit for duty. I will go, said he, but it will be my last duty. Accordingly, he fixed his bayonet and repaired to the officer's quarters, where he found the captain and first lieutenant of his company.  He shot the captain dead and plunged his bayonet through the body of the lieutenant, also killing him on the spot. He straight away gave himself up, was tried by court-martial and sentenced to be shot. The execution of the sentence was withheld by Colonel Taylor, who had forwarded the particulars of the trial to the department at Washington and was awaiting the result of official investigation. The case was found worthy of executive interference. A pardon was signed by the president and sent on, and the young man was liberated from confinement. Such inhuman treatment as this poor young soldier received at the hands of his officers has resulted. I have no shadow of doubt in the death of many an officer on the battlefield. I remember at the battle of Okeechobee, a young lieutenant riding up to Colonel Foster and saying, Colonel, I have been shot at twice and not by the enemy either. It was by no friend I will swear, said the Colonel, you can leave the field and learn to treat your men well in future. This I witnessed myself, but whether the young buckskin profited by the sharp cut of the Colonel I am unable to say. There was a Tennessean in camp, a great foot racer, who was incessantly boasting about his wonderful pedestrian powers. He had a valuable horse, which he offered to stake against any person in the camp for a race of 60 yards. As he was considered a great leg by all, no one ventured to take up his offer. I offered myself as a competitor, but all sought to dissuade me. Don't run against him, said they. That fellow will outrun Lucifer himself. He has beat every man who has run against him in Florida. However, I staked $100 against his horse and entered the list. We started together, but as I did not see my antagonist either ahead of me or by my side, I looked round and saw him coming up. I went out a good distance ahead of him and did not exert myself either. The enemy, having submitted to the government, there was nothing more for us to do, and I asked for a furlough to return to St. Louis. I and my company were enlisted for a year. Ten months of this time had been served, and I obtained a furlough for the remaining two months. We embarked for New Orleans, Colonel Gates and his regiment taking passage in the same ship. Arriving at my place of destination in safety, I stayed but one night in the crescent city and then took the steamer to St. Louis, where we had a good time while steaming up, and I was very well satisfied to jump ashore once again at my old home. My company all returned but two. One of whom died in New Orleans, the other was killed by the Seminoles after I left. End of Chapter 29


Thank you. It's great to be here today. And as Kim said, I'm a science teacher from Oklahoma and this summer we had an exciting experience. First off, in telling my story, I want to show you a picture of my family because they're going to come up a lot in the story. My husband Josh and I have been married for almost 16 years and we have four kids ages 12, 10, seven, and five. And as most doctors would agree, I don't represent a typical kidney cancer patient. When you look at the risk factors for kidney cancer, I don't have any of the typical risk factors associated with kidney cancer. I don't have advanced chronic kidney disease. I've never smoked. I don't consider myself obese. I don't have high blood pressure. In terms of family history of kidney cancer, we don't have any kidney cancer in our family history. My dad and grandmother had had kidney stones. A few years ago, my mom even had a cyst on the outside of her kidney that she had to have drained. But other than that, pretty uneventful history medically. My story actually began last December. We had been out Christmas shopping and I came home and I observed that there was some blood in my urine. It was a weekend and I thought, well, maybe I should have this checked out by a doctor. So given the weekend, I actually went over to urgent med. For those of you that don't know, it's kind of an after-hours-type clinic. They can treat everything from ear infections, bone breaks, accidents that need stitches. The convenient thing for me being a working mother with four kids is that they do offer evening hours and weekend hours. And so I ran over there. I told them that I didn't have any pain, no burning sensation, no frequent urination. They did a test for a bladder infection and it came back negative. And I pretty much stumped the doctor because he thought, well, maybe this could be a kidney stone, but I had absolutely no pain. And at that point, I was 39 years old and he said, you know what? Maybe this is just the results of a bladder spasm. And I thought, okay, I'm about to be 40. Is this one of those I'm getting to be over the hill type things, these old people things I got to deal with?  I thought, great, this is gonna be fun getting old. And so I went home just thinking it was a bladder spasm. And over the next few months, this happened two or three other times. They were always single incidences and being very busy with the teaching and the kids, you know, you don't always put yourself first and I'm like, I'm not in pain. So I never really went to the doctor about it. And I just didn't think much of it. And then things changed in July. Once again, I observed blood in my urine and it was a Saturday.  It continued to worsen throughout the day. And by the next day on Sunday, July 20th, it was bad enough that I thought I probably should go back to urgent med. And I remember walking through my living room, turning to my spouse and saying, hey, Josh, I'm going to run over to urgent med real quick. I have some blood in my urine. He goes, don't you think you need to go to the emergency room? I'm like, oh no, I'm sure it's no big deal. I'll be back in a little bit. Well, I went to urgent med and there your analysis could read absolutely nothing but blood. It was that bad. And they said, you need to go to the emergency room. So I went to the emergency room. They did some blood work, did another urinalysis. And it came back that I had a lot of white blood cells, which to them indicated an infection. So they diagnosed me with acute hemorrhagic cystitis, which is the technical term for you have a urinary tract infection. And at that point, I sat there thinking, really, you're going to hand me some antibiotics and send me on my merry way. And I mean, there was no pain, no burning. And I thought, you're telling me all these other times this has happened. This is a urinary tract infection. I mean, I've had those before. And they said, if you want to call your general doctor or your urologist and follow up with them in the next few weeks, feel free to do so. And my gut was just telling me, no, this is not it. And the next morning I tried calling my local urologist and their office was pretty busy. They couldn't get me in for a couple of weeks. And I said, well, I've been in the emergency room. And they said, we'll tell you what, we'll have the doctor look at the emergency room report. And if he feels the need to see you, we'll get you in sooner. And they call me back a few minutes later. Yeah, he agrees with the ER doctor. It must be just an infection. I'm going, it's not an infection. So I called my general practitioner and she got me in that afternoon. So I went to go see her and explain my symptoms. And honestly, I thought at this point that I was probably dealing with a kidney stone. And I just had such a great pain tolerance that, you know, I just had a little bit of blood, but I just don't feel the pain from a kidney stone. And she said, OK, fine, let's do a CT scan. So she scheduled a CT scan for that Tuesday, July 22nd. And then on that Wednesday morning at 9 o'clock, I received the phone call. And when I answered it, and it was the doctor, you immediately know this is not going to be good news. Because if it's good news, then the nurse makes the call. If it's a bad news, it's going to be the doctor.  And I said, wait, do you mean three centimeters? She goes, no, three inches. And I'm sitting there in my bedroom because I taught science. And I knew that our kidney was about the size of her fist. So I'm literally holding up my fist in my bedroom going, OK, this is my kidney. And she's telling me three inches, which to me is about the size of a softball. I'm going, how do you fit a softball inside my kidney? And it wasn't making sense to me. And she said, just sit by your phone. I've called the urologist. He's going to order some more tests. And the imaging center will call you and schedule some more CT scans. We want to do the dye enhanced and all that other fancy stuff. So I sit there by my phone, scared to even take a shower that I might miss the phone call. And I'm waiting all day and the kids are wanting to go swimming. And I'm like, no, we got to stay home. We need to wait for this phone call. And finally, at 3 PM, my phone rings. And it wasn't the imaging center, it was the urologist's office. And I said, hey, he has time to schedule. Can you come on over and visit with him?  And his office was literally a mile from our house. So I turned to the kids. I said, OK, I'm going to run over to the doctor's appointment real fast. I'll be right back. And I left the four kids at home.  He said, it's a tumor. We're going to need to remove your kidney. I'm like, wait a minute. I thought I was here just to talk about a CT scan. And he said, well, whether this is benign or cancerous, he said, your kidney is going to need to come out. It's so large, you're having negative side effects. And here are your two options. And he explained the two options available to me for surgery. And he said, well, I'm going to step out of the office because we need to contact your insurance company to make sure that they'll pre-approve these other tests that we want to run. And at that point, I really think I went into shock. He stepped out of the room and evidently they went round and round with my insurance company that didn't want to approve another CT scan because I just had one. And he had to explain to them, no, we need to scan her from her neck down to her pelvis. We need to see if this tumor has spread.  And it was taken a while. And honestly, I don't think I even realized how long I sat in that little room. He came in one time and said, well, we're having trouble with your insurance company. Just stay here. I want to let you know when the appointment is made. And that whole time I kept thinking, okay, don't fall to pieces, you're in a doctor's office, you're in public, keep it together. At one point, I thought maybe I should call my husband because he's at work 45 minutes away. And I thought, oh, no, I can't use my phone. The sign outside says, don't turn on your cell phone. I mean, I wasn't even making sense. And he finally came in and said they'd had it approved. And when I walked outside his office, that's when it hit me and I just fell to pieces. And my first thought was I cannot go home to my kids because I was bawling. I was hyperventilating. I thought, I didn't even realize it had been an hour with me sitting in this office. I said, I need to have someone to go stay with my kids. And my brother and sister and parents all live in our town. So I called my brother and he could barely understand. He goes, what is wrong? And I said, it's cancer.  And he's like, OK. And I called Josh. He said, I'm coming home. And I called mom and she was out running errands. I said, go home. I need to see you now. And so she and dad met me at their house. And that's when I explained to them the two options that had been presented to me. Now this is what was available to me in Oklahoma. The first option that Dr. explained was the hand assisted laparoscopic surgery. This is the diagram right there on the left. This is not what he commonly performed. He had done a handful of this type of procedure. And he explained that you would have an incision around your belly button with a few other smaller incisions. He said that this tends to have a quicker recovery time and would allow me to get back to work a little faster. He was a very humble doctor because he flat out told me, he said, if you're going to want the hand assisted laparoscopic surgery, I want to refer you to someone that does it like that all the time. He said, I'm wonderful at the open incision, which is this one on the right, because that's what he had trained in. And giving that the new school year was about to start in a few weeks, my husband and I talked and decided we did want to go with the hand assisted laparoscopic, even if it could get me back to the classroom within a week or two earlier than the other. And you know, we might as well do that. So Monday, July 28th, we met with a surgeon in Oklahoma City that we were referred to. Tuesday, August 5th, I had surgery. On afternoon of August 6th, I was discharged from the hospital and a few weeks later on September 2nd, I returned to work. Now, my surgeon, when we met with him on July 28th, I explained I'm a science teacher. You know, I'm all about learning and educating others and one of the random questions I had was, do you mind taking pictures of this for me? So I teach chemistry, I teach biology and one of the things I teach them is the human body system. I said, normally we kind of fly through the urinary system. I don't teach a whole lot about it, but this would be really applicable to those kids. And he had a wife that was a biology teacher. So he didn't think the request was totally out there and he contacted the Pathology Lab and they were gracious enough to take pictures. So the next two slides, if you don't wanna see pictures then feel free to look away because I do show pictures of my kidney and tumor. This first picture is of my entire kidney. A little educational fact about it is that you can see some of the fat deposits on the outside of the kidney. That's Mother Nature's way of helping to protect our kidney and it is quite large.  This next picture shows what my kidney looked like when they opened it up. In the upper left and right hand corners, this is the tumor. When my surgeon gave this picture to me, he did a nice little science lesson showing that in the middle of the tumor, the little white areas where the tumor was already starting to die because it does have a very high blood supply. This picture was actually reassuring to me at the time because I could clearly see the outline, the border of the tumor and it did appear to be all enclosed within the kidney. My first follow-up scan is in a few weeks. We're gonna do CT scans and blood work every six months for the next few years to make sure that it hasn't metastasized and hopefully those results will be good. Now, in terms of anyone out there that maybe hasn't had surgery yet, I do have a few pieces of advice. First of all, I highly recommend writing down any questions that you have for your surgeon to take with you. I always found that when I got face to face with a doctor, my mind would go blank and I would forget what I wanted to ask and then it would always hit me in five minutes after I walked out of the office. Also, find out if the main incision site goes above the belly button or below. My local doctor who had done a handful of these surgeries, when he explained it to us with the hand-assisted laparoscopic, he said that he always did an incision below the belly button. So when I was packing for the hospital, I called my husband and I'm like, oh my gosh, on the way home, can you stop at the store and get me some granny panties? It's like, I need the ones that go really high because I don't want it to affect the incision site and come to find out the surgeon actually went around the belly button and straight up, which was actually more irritating because it hit right where all my pants would fasten even when I went back to work, I couldn't wear normal clothes. I was wearing the drawstring pants and the comfy clothes. I also found leading up to the surgery that I was dealing with a lot of anxiety. I had trouble sleeping. I would wake up in the middle of the night and be awake for three or four hours contemplating, okay, I've done my lesson plans for these weeks, I'm gonna be gone. Do I need to make some casseroles and freeze them? And do how I bought the kids school supplies that my brain would not shut down. And lack of sleep and the stress makes you even more emotional. And I finally just called my doctor, I said, is there anything that they can give me? And she prescribed Xanax, which became my new best friend for those weeks leading up to the surgery and it really helped things. After the surgery, I recommend having a caregiver stay with you in the hospital. Even though we had four kids and if possible, I would have preferred my husband to be able to stay home with them. I was like, no, you're mine for the night. I need you in the hospital with me. And that helped because I was dealing with a lot of nausea. Also, to get out of bed and walk as much as you can with the hand assisted laparoscopic, they inflated my abdomen with a lot of air and a lot of that gas was still trapped after the surgery. And you need to walk and move around to get those air bubbles to work out of your body. And I had intense pain even up in my shoulders. While I was walking, and even after I got home and was walking, I would have my kids or my husband pound on my back and on my shoulders to help kind of move some of that gas around. My one week follow up appointment, I still hadn't slept in my bed. I was sleeping in the recliner all week. And I expressed to my surgeon that I was concerned because I had tried laying down a few times, but every time I would roll over, I felt like all of my internal organs were just tumbling around. I'm like, is everything falling over each other and getting all twisted up? Am I ever gonna be able to go on a roller coaster again? And he looks at me and my husband says, feel free to tell her it's all in her mind. I'm like, no, I'm serious, is everything connected? What's going on there? I've got a big empty space now. And looking back, I really think it was some of those air bubbles still moving because I didn't lay completely flat on my bed very often. And it was very painful and I'd hear a lot of gurgling and tumbling. Also have drawstring pants to wear home. That was very critical for me. And I didn't have this, but if you take a pillow with you to hold against your stomach when you're in the car on the ride home, that makes things so much more comfortable. The hour and a half drive home, I was just clutching my abdomen, trying to keep it from moving and jiggling over every bump that we would go over and subsequent road trips that we would go on, I would take a pillow and just hold against it and it made things more comfortable. And then also don't laugh, cough, sneeze, or do any bodily function after the surgery. There were times I was begging my husband to stop making me laugh because it just hurts your stomach so bad. And he has a great way of making me laugh about things and keeping a positive attitude and even sneezing, very painful. Now on handling kids, whether it's your own kids or maybe even your grandkids, we took the approach that we were gonna be very open and honest with our four kids. We encouraged them to ask questions and express concerns, but we had four very different reactions. My oldest, Alex, who was 12, he took the brave approach. It was, you know, he's 12. So it's kinda like pulling teeth anyway to get him to talk. And I would say, hey, do you have any questions? Oh, no, mom, everything's gonna be fine. And the night before the surgery, he got up and gave me a hug, which is not typical of a preteen anyway.  And I just brought tears to my eyes at that time and he was just putting on a brave face for everyone.  When we got the kids together and told them that we had news and that mom had been going to the doctor, Alex said, oh, she's pregnant. Before we could even get out the truth, the girls are squealing, yay, a baby. And Chris looks at me and he goes, well, I thought mom was looking a little, and I said, don't you finish that statement. And we explained to the kids that it was cancer, but it wasn't the type that grandpa had died from, which was lung cancer. And it was a type that they could have surgery for. And Josh had to take the three younger kids to meet the teacher night before school started. And I teach in a very small district. And most of the high school teachers knew what I was going through, but the elementary teachers, I guess word hadn't gotten around much. And so they expected to see me at Open House and one of the teachers asked Josh when Chris was standing there, well, where's your wife?  And he just kinda walks off and Josh is going, oh, okay, let me clarify some of this. And then another teacher, she said, well, where's Jennifer tonight? And Chris said, ah, they cut open her stomach and took out a bunch of stuff, which might be how the rumor got started that I had had a hysterectomy.  And I clarified afterwards, I'm like, no, we don't have the cancer anymore, they've taken it out.  She was very nurturing, asked a million questions before and after the surgery. She's the one that slept in the living room while I was in the recliner for several nights. Because in the middle of the night, there were times I had to wake up someone to help me get up out of the recliners so I could take medicine or go to the bathroom. And she loved that she could help her mama. And Maddie, who is five, she was the one that was brutally honest.  I couldn't give her a bath afterwards because I couldn't bend down like that. I couldn't carry her around and horse play around with her. And she finally looked at me one day while I'm in the recliner.  I'm like, yep, you're keeping me honest, Maddie. So I mean, we had very different reactions from all four kids. And we, again, just tried to keep a very positive attitude. We do a lot of joking around in our family with four kids, we're always laughing at something. And in terms of advice that I have for caregivers, the most important advice for caregivers or family members is to ask the patient, what can I do for you? When we found out the date of my surgery, we had several of my family members saying, well, I wanna be there for the surgery. I plan to be there to support you. And it actually became stressful and overwhelming because I really didn't care who was there for my surgery. My main concern was who can I have watch my kids that day? Because I'm not having four kids sit in the waiting room with my husband while I'm in surgery. And who can bring my kids up to see me that night? And I thought, okay, I need to let my family members be there that want to be there. And it became very overwhelming trying to make everyone happy. And the best words I heard was when I called a fellow teacher, who's a good friend of mine. And I told her, I said, this is when I'm having surgery. She said, okay, how can I help? What do you need me to do? And that was such a huge relief because I have a hard time asking for help anyway.  I said, really, can you just keep my kids that day? I had already arranged with my brother. He could pick him up and bring him up to the hospital that night. And that meant so much to me because I was very overwhelmed. And which also leads me to the second piece of advice as a caregiver, be prepared to deal with extended family and to deal when your spouse gets to the point where she breaks down and is bawling, saying, I can't handle it anymore. You're in charge of scheduling everything. You're in charge of the family. And my husband wants to rock through all of this. I think marriages grow stronger when you go through something like this because you're able to be there for each other in ways you've never had to be there before. And there were times, and remember one time I crawled back in bed at three in the morning because I couldn't sleep. And he wakes up and he's like, are you okay? And I go, yeah. I go, honey. I said, thank you so much for allowing me to break down and fall to pieces because I knew I could and that he would be there to support me and be the rock.  And when I said, okay, I'm done. I'm done scheduling everything. I'm tired of it. It's all on you. He said, okay. He picked up the phone called family members and said, okay, this is what we need done. And he was just phenomenal. Also, either you or maybe a friend of the family, if you can organize a calendar for meals to be brought in, that was a huge help for me and my family. We found that we didn't necessarily need meals brought every single night. Every other night was great for us. We studied tons of food, a website that our community uses a lot is www.mealtrain.com. A lot of people in our church can sign up through this and our other teachers, and they can just pick a day in which they can bring meals. That can be used for anyone that's had a baby or recovering from any surgery. It really did help alleviate some of my stress because I was putting everything on my spouse. Getting the kids to school, getting them dressed, doing everything. And as a mom, giving up some of that control was kind of hard and you feel bad. Even though you just had cancer surgery, you still kind of feel guilty. And it really made me feel like I was lightening his stress a little bit when I had some meals brought in from friends and coworkers. The only suggestion I would have for doctors is to recommend that a patient bring a family member with her to the appointment. Like I said, when I went in to meet with the urologist, I really thought we were just gonna talk about CT scans. I really was in shock when he dropped the bomb on me of, nope, there's cancer, kidney's coming out. And I was crying hysterically when I left the office, driving across town to my parents' house, which probably wasn't the wisest thing to do. And had I known ahead of time, he could have said, oh, bring someone with you, because you may have questions and that way they can help you remember any questions or answers. I think it would have helped alleviate some of that shock that I experienced. So overall what I learned, luckily, if you had your kidney removed, we can all live with one kidney. I also learned that it's okay to take time for yourself and to put yourself first every once in a while and to trust your gut to question when you feel something is wrong. And when they told me that it was just a urinary tract infection, I could have just taken my antibiotics and not followed up, but I just insisted that there's something more here. And then finally, I found that laughter truly is the best medicine. It helped me get through all of this. So I'm gonna leave you with some famous kidneys that you might recognize. And thank you for having me. Thank you.