Hey, what's up guys, Drew here at thatanxietyguide.com. I am talking to, like I'm so excited. My friends, Sarah, all the way from the UK, and Sarah and I have known each other for quite a long time. So those of you who follow my channel, my videos have seen me work with Billy. I know Sarah just as long as I know Billy. So Sarah, thank you so much. It's such a pleasure. It's so fun, right? So I'm happy to be here. I know, so happy to be catching up with you. Like Sarah and I haven't spoken in a while, but yeah, it's really great. You're always in my heart, Drew. What's that? You're always in my heart. Oh, jeez, thank you. Wow. Always thinking about you. So Sarah, good to see you get into the Facebook group. That was awesome. Not too long ago, you joined up with the rest of the crowd. So that was cool to see you there. And someone had asked about, there was a threat about health anxiety, and there's just so much health anxiety stuff. And I have very little experience with that. But Sarah, you were nice enough to answer and say that you had gotten past it. So I thought we could take 20, 30 minutes and just talk about that. So yeah, that would be great. So give me the rundown. Tell me about what has health anxiety been for you for so many years? How bad was it? I'm going to say probably bad, right? OK, yeah. It eventually led me to actually have a full clinical breakdown. The health anxiety drove you down. Yeah, that was the only point through my, I mean, because obviously I've had mental health problems for 21 years. And at no point with any of the other things I've had, have I actually experienced a full-on breakdown.  Honestly, I don't recognize that person at all. It's just like someone, it was someone different. It was someone like, I was literally, it's taken over, controlling me in every sense. Now, what was the driver? I mean, were you in that state where you were, and then I knew you back then.  And I mean, were you driven by that constant scanning of how do I feel? How do I feel what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong? Yeah, yeah, do you know what? What I've learned with like over the years of having any kind of anxiety problem, what your brain does, it literally hones in to what you fear the most. So for example, there was a period of time when I feared having heart problems. And I can guarantee every day I'd wake up and I'd have chest pain, I'd have jaw pain, I'd have arm pain. Every single day I'd wake up and that would be the symptoms I was getting.  And I would, every day from that point, I'd be waking up and stomach pains feeling sick. Do you know what I mean? And without fail, I'd be having, and then I'd have some other pain, or like a pain in my back, and it'd be like, oh my God, kidneys. And you can guarantee after that, I'd have kidney pain for about the next three or four months. And it's just, yeah.  Oh God, yeah! I kind of remember back in the, yeah, I mean, I'm looking at, to be honest with you, we've been chatting for a little while before I started recording and just catching up. Like you seem like a different person than you were. I remember you were just constantly, and it was that thing of like, well, I'm not, this is never gonna get better. I remember you being so adamant and saying, this is my life, it's never ever gonna get better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And as it turns out, that wasn't really the case. No, no, I mean, I do still struggle with that. I mean, it's literally, it's taken like, I've read so many books, you know, I've done so much research. And it really just, I mean, and I don't want to trivialize it because, you know, I've lived it for so many years, and it, excuse me, it really just comes down to your thoughts. Thoughts cause anxiety. Anxiety causes adrenaline to be released, which causes physiological and physical symptoms. And therefore, and then once they start happening, then you think, oh my God, what's this? What's this? What's this? What's this? You know, it's a vicious cycle of like, thoughts, feelings, adrenaline. You know, it's just. So you weren't really stuck in just generic, like I have panic attacks. It was that and specific, like I'm having a heart attack, or now I have stomach problems, I have kidney problems. You kind of went from obsession to obsession. I had everything. I had leukemia. I had, I had every, so I had brain scans. I've had so much, you know, you name it, I've had it. And I'll tell you in a second about, you know, when the breakdown happened. I've had like every illness I've thought I've had, I've had like the tests to go along with that. And, but the thing is when I actually had a real, like issue last year with my blood and they mentioned lymphoma as a possible. And I had to go and see a hematologist at that point, obviously, cause I'm now recovered from health anxiety. They mentioned lymphoma didn't even, you know, there was no, like, oh my God, they've just said lymphoma. And then I'm scanning for, you know, am I looking pale? Am I tired? Am I this? Am I that? You know, Googling the symptoms of lymphoma and seeing which ones I had. There was nothing like that. I was like, okay, whatever will see what happens when I see the hematologist in a couple of weeks.  Well, there had to be, so you hear a word like lymphoma, which is certainly scary for everybody to hear. Like, do you find that you were still, like, how did you handle, because I know there are gonna people who are watching that do have legitimate health problems. It's not just how things like people do get ill or have conditions too. So when you hear that, like, were you worried? Were you scared? Were you like, like a person normally would be? It just didn't. No, no, no. If someone had said that to me when I was deep in the health anxiety, Right, right. Which I would have gone nuts.  That is what I'd have done. Yeah. When they told me that the doctors that, you know, my blood results were this, this, this, it could be A, B or C. I just went. Well, because reality is, we'll find out in a couple of weeks, that's true, nothing you can do. Nothing you can do anything about it, apart from make you worse, so. That is astounding to hear you say. Yeah, honestly, and now, like I said, I've got other health problems and they've told me, you know, something's a bit dodgy. Yeah. Okay. You'll deal with it. I can't do anything about it, yeah. I mean, I've got different pains now because I'm having, and I'm like, whatever, I can't, I'm not worrying about it. There's too much other stuff to worry about than that, you know, it will, it's, you know, but the thing is, the difference is, when you actually have a genuine health problem, you handle it differently to when you perceive you have a problem. Right. Because the psychosomatic symptoms are as real as real symptoms. Surely. But because you're thinking and thinking and thinking about the psychosomatic symptoms, they are just worse, and they are worse than I could potentially say, they're worse than, you know, real symptoms. I've heard that saying. Because you make them much bigger. Yes, I've heard that saying. Yes.  Yes, yeah. I've heard it described as like making a movie. So like, you know, sometimes there are forest fires and they are bad, but in a movie, when they make a movie about a forest fire, when you can imagine any forest fire, it's huge, it's so much worse, yeah. It's taking out, it's taking out entire cities, which is basically what it does. Which doesn't really happen, but if you let your imagination go, you can make them. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. So I think the big, so let me ask another question then. When you're in the thick of that, so you were worried about specific ailments, of course, and I'm guessing in that constantly scanning, how do I feel thing? Were you, so you were incessantly googling and searching, which you said, and a lot of people struggle with that. Like they must Google, they have a hard time not Googling. What about checking? Like we have people who are constantly compelled to check their blood pressure on their heart rate or their blood sugar. Did you do those things? Well, okay, when I had my breakdown, shall I tell you how that started? Good, good. Can I say, tell me, you talk about whatever you want to talk about. Okay, so, 2011, I had a lot of stress. I was having problems with my boyfriend, but cat had just been put down. I had a really bad chest infection. And I went to, and I had money problems. So there was a lot of stress going on with my life. And then I had the flu jab, which was perfectly normal for me. Flu jab, I get, I have asthma, so I'm giving the flu jab. Anyway, for some reason, I went home and I Googled the flu jab. And it said, in rare cases, it can cause something called Gilean Bari syndrome or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it, yeah, I had that. So it can cause that. Within three seconds, my brain had taken that, right? It was in my brain. I was like, oh my God. So then I googled in that illness. And I was like, oh my God, it causes paralysis. It causes this, you know, locked in, you know, can't do it. So a few weeks later, I was like starting to get weird things happening, right? With, you know, I was feeling a bit of weakness. And then that progressed into MS. So, yeah, I had got MS, right? So, and that wasn't good enough because that wasn't good enough. I was Googling more and I was like getting all these other symptoms. I was like, I could hear myself slurring and I could like, I could see, I could actually see atrophy happening in my hands. I've got really skinny hands, look. But in my head, I could see my hands were acting. And then I couldn't swallow properly, I was choking. And then I couldn't get up the stairs properly. And really weird things anyway.  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So at that point, I had got Lou Gehrig's disease. I was going to the doctors four, five times a day with my new symptoms. And I've spent literally 24 hours. Okay, this is really bad. I either spent 24 hours Googling. And when you said about the checking, I wasn't just checking, I was doing neurological tests on myself all day, constantly. I was holding things up with my fingers to make sure I wasn't losing my strength. I was standing on my tiptoes, I was walking on my heels. I was doing like this all day long, like to see my, and I was like doing checks with, yeah, yeah, that. And I was doing this and I was like, moving my jaw from side to side. I was doing tongue checks to see if I hadn't got like ALS coming in my mouth. And that was like that for eight weeks, constantly checking. And I was even getting my son at that point who was 13 to do the checks alongside with me. And I was like, Samuel, Samuel, get books, get books. And I'd get like the biggest book he'd got. And I'd like hold it in my hands to see in the string. And if I dropped it, I'd then be like, oh my God, I just dropped it. That must be, and then that would even be worse because then I could see myself that, my strength was going. And I'd do like, there's a test that they do at the bottom of your foot to make your feet curl, your toes curl. Hoffman's is it? I know this, Hoffman's is one of them. Hoffman's is fine with something. Anyway, and like, all your reflexes. So I was getting- Run, run, run your feet up to your legs. That one.  Anyway, so that was all that. And in the end, I was like going so mental, the doctor was like looking at me. Every time I would went, it's like, Sarah, you've just got to stop it. You've got to stop this.  So in the end, I was like, I had a nerve conduction test where they stuck needles, to make sure where the, if your nerves working. Anyway, I was getting all my symptoms in this arm, my right arm. And I had this nerve conduction test. And he only did like needles in my left side, in my shoulder. So anyway, bear in mind, I am absolutely 10 out of 10 crazy, not crazy, but you know- I understand, I'm sassy. I don't want to make people angry by using the term crazy, but I'm using it for myself. Yeah, I was completely insane at this point. Anyway, the hospital was about 25 minutes, half an hour away. I got halfway home. And I was like, I said to my mum, he didn't do it right. He didn't do the test right. He didn't do my bad arm. He didn't do my bad arm. So I made my mum turn around, go all the way back. I literally stormed, okay, cause I'm like having a breakdown at this point. I've stormed into the consulting room where he was seeing somebody else. He's already doing like seeing another patient. And I've got, you didn't do the skin test right. Like this. Okay. Because I am that worried because, you know, this is how bad the health anxiety is. I was that convinced. I'd got ALS. Yeah. And he hadn't done the bad arm, the defective arm. Right. So he was like, nice me. So yeah, I was going to die. I was going to die. And I'd literally planned my funeral. I had planned how I was going to have my bed downstairs. Well, you know, I planned all that. Yeah. Anyway, so I walked in, I swore at him and I was escorted out. Wow. I was escorted out of the hospital. Okay. Well, I... She can't go in and shout at people. It's just... Right. You kind of can't do that. I get it, yeah. But anyway. So that, okay. And that kind of kept going. It seemed like it more... I'm mortified thinking about it now. I could see it on your face. I could see it on your face. Like, how could I have been that way? Well, I was, because I was having a breakdown and literally I'd sit at home. And if I wasn't Googling, this is really bad. I'd sit in the bath as far away from the laptop as I could be, can't have a laptop in the bath. And I'd sit in the bath from... Soon as Saturday went to school, nine o'clock in the morning to when he'd come home at three o'clock in the afternoon because I didn't want to be anywhere near my electronics and I would sit there and I would self-medicate with Brandy. Yeah. I don't drink. I don't drink. I literally drank for that eight weeks. Yeah. I'm drinking or I'm gonna go...  It was that bath. It was either, you know, I was so far in it. So, but you would literally fill the tub with water and sit in the tub. Literally! Because you could not, you could not hold something that was plugged in. Yeah. All day. All day. So let me ask you a question. Let's follow that through. Is that... So that stopped you from being able to check and Google and Google and Google. Yeah. And all these physical checks that were driving in. Do you know what? I just have to say quickly, one night, right? It was a half-heart-celebrant night and I stuck my tongue out and my tongue looked wonky. It didn't look like it was pointing straight, right? Okay.  My tongue's not straight and I'm obviously convinced I've got Lou Gehry's disease. And I said my tongue's not straight. She's like had to drive from her house which is like 15 minutes away, half-heart-celebrant night to come and check my tongue. To see through my tongue. And that wasn't the only time she'd done that. She did that for something else, but like another one of the tests that I'd done that I was seeing was wrong. But she came out about two times, I think, really late at night to check my symptoms. And honestly, I was seeing my tongue was not straight. Yeah. But that's not even a sign of ALS. No, but it didn't matter though because you're not thinking rationally in any way. Obviously, you can look back now and say it was completely and utterly irrational. But at the time, it seemed very real, I'm sure. Oh my God, yeah, that was it. The tongue thing was the last, it was a nail in the coffin for me. That was it. I was gonna, I was an absolute gonna. I think like so many people that are gonna watch this and you've seen some of the comments in the group and in the discussion that goes on, I think. Yeah. Does anybody worry about this? Does anybody worry about that? I don't know if I've heard of a story and I kinda thank you enough for being so honest and open about this where I don't know, like you're addressing just about every checking and reassurance-seeking behavior that I've ever heard. So you went down all that road. So, but now you're sitting here and you actually have dealt with some real actual health issues and you could not look more relaxed and like not worried about it. So how did you get, the million dollar question, how did you get from in the bathtub sequestered from your electronic drinking brandy to here? Okay, so I had the nerve conduction test and I went back to the doctors, they called me in and at this point, the doctor was having to be chaperoned because I was so crazy. They didn't know what my behavior was gonna be like. So there was always someone in there for the doctor's safety, which was... I understand, I get it, yeah. Anyway, so they got the results of the test, this nerve conduction test and they said, there was absolutely nothing wrong with your muscles. There's no sign of anything, okay? There's no sign of any kind of muscle wasting or whatever the big long words they use, degeneration, I think it is of muscles or something like that. There's nothing, so all you have is, and they did say, I've got a problem with my spine. Yeah, it's just like the spine is just slightly crushing on one another. No big deal. Right, right. Ridiculopathy is called in my C6 and C7 part of my spine. Anyway, it just caused pain. So there's like, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. They said, right, and they sat down, they were so angry with me, they were so really like, they said, right, you've got a scot coming to the doctors four times a day. You can't do that anymore.  Right, okay. And they were the exact words and they said, you either go or you at least try some medication or we will have to section you. Okay. They were my options. Death, sectioned or medication. You had no choice. Yeah. And I forgot another sign, the symptom that I was getting because I'll get on to it in a second. I had constantly had this internal vibration. My whole body was buzzing internally, 24 hours a day. Like I was holding onto a pneumatic drill. My whole body was vibrating constantly from the minute I went to bed, second woke up. It was constantly just vibrating. Anyway, so I took the pills.  And I was like, I don't really wanna die. If I haven't got Lou Gehrig's disease, I don't really wanna die. So I'm gonna have to try this. Yeah. I mean, for me, it was like the only way to get, I'm not saying people can't do it without medication because I've had periods of being off medication and I didn't go back. So I know without medication, it has gone. But you've got to that point where there was really no choice. No, I have not. The doctors gave you no choice. Yeah, they gave you no choice. No choice whatsoever, because quite frankly, having four appointments a day, I was just, and they had to see me because they knew the state I was in. So people were being pushed out because I was so bad. Right, understood. So I took the pill and I was still getting this vibration thing. Yeah. And I was like, hmm, hmm. Perhaps I do have Lou Gehrig's disease like this and it broke back in. Didn't matter that they told me I hadn't. I was like, well, I still got this really weird buzzing feeling throughout my body. But eventually within, I reckon, I don't know, two, three weeks. It started to go away. It went away. So what, if you don't mind me asking, what medication did they give you? Because people will ask this. Do you remember? Was it anti-depressant? Yes, Citalopram, S-Citalopram, Ciprolates. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah. It was anti-depressant. It was only like five mil, five mil. It was, you know, smallest dose.  Because my whole body was just sores and scratches and like pulling my hair out. I was so bad. And it was just awful. Yeah, it sounds like a horrific experience and I'm so happy that you're not in that place anymore. So you're confronted with this choice, like you're going down a very dog path that we have to section you, which you don't want to do, which in the US, just to explain that that would be admission to a psychiatric hospital. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't want to go down that road. So you start taking this anti-depressant and within a few weeks, I'm guessing you begin to change. Yes. Depression lifted for style. Right, so your depression lifts and it does do that. It certainly does do that. And so that obsession, anti-depressants often used for obsessive compulsive disorder. And so your obsessive thoughts begin. But the key was your thoughts begin to change because of... Oh, God, yeah, yeah, I wasn't... And suddenly... I wasn't focused on it. Yeah, I wasn't, it wasn't in my head 24 hours a day because I know all through like, since I like had a health anxiety, it was always there in the background, regardless of what I was doing. It's like, oh, what's that? What's that twinge? Yeah. And then it would manifest from there. It'd be anything. It'd be like, oh, I've got... Oh, you know, of course... Could be anything. Yeah. My glands feel a bit weird.  And it would... Yeah, but those, you know, get a twinge and you know, I didn't think anything of it. That was it. You know, I didn't think of it. Whatever. Do nothing. Do nothing. So, okay, so let's... They give you this anti-depressant and did you continue to take it? So you said you stopped taking it and the health anxiety did not come back. Sorry, no. It's okay. Yeah, I took it for... From 2012 to... 2017, five years I took it. Okay. Yeah, and that wasn't even... It wasn't even a thing. You know, it wasn't even in my head at all at any point of that, through any of it. And then I stopped taking it because I didn't need it. You know, and I was having an operation and I just didn't feel that I needed it. So I came up with it just before the operation and, you know... No problem. No, and I was... Because we're having an operation also it's a bit like, mm. There was no like, I didn't even... There was no worry there either.  And... Hang on a minute. I don't... Wrong. Well... It implied that, you know, it did... Yeah, I wouldn't say wrong. Incorrect or inaccurate. Yeah. Yeah, not wrong. And you're right. That's not the good, not the good.  Yeah. Constantly. Yeah. And it's just, you're just consumed. That's the only way you can describe it. You're just consumed with all these negative thoughts that just manifest and it literally starts off with a thought. That's it. That's all it is, it's a thought. And thoughts are harmless. That's true. Well, now you can say that.  No, no, it doesn't happen anymore, no. Yeah, yeah. So I think the takeaway here is, like, that is about the most extreme case of health, obsession and anxiety that I've run across. There may be worse. But here you are, like, upright and smiling and relaxed and talking about it. Like, it's just like, we were, like, it's a different person. Like, it's happened to somebody else, you know? And I think, you know, once you were freed from that cycle of obsession, it sounds like you were able to not go back into it. It just doesn't, yeah. Yeah, no, it's not even on my radar. Yeah. Even not being on medication. It's not, it's not, yeah, it's just not there. Yeah. So like, you know, regardless, maybe you had to take extreme measures, but you, so here was like this crippling life, altering, crushing obsession and health anxiety that is now not a thing. Yeah.  Yeah, it was quite bad, yeah. Yeah, look at the smile. I mean, and sharing that, like I cannot even tell you, like how I know it's gonna help with tremendous number of people. So I so appreciate you doing that. Oh yeah, I did used to do the blood pressure as well. Did you? You used to check blood pressure, yeah. I used to do my blood pressure, yeah. Cause I probably like blood pressure. I used to, oh my God, it's so low. Yeah. I mean, the thing is again, I'm not a doctor. If it's low, what am I gonna do about it? Nothing. Cause I don't live close to a hospital.  Yeah. So I'm just gonna sit there with my feet up in the air. But I think the difference is now you can look rationally and say, what was I gonna do anyway? Yeah, but even going back to the point of when I was like obsessively doing it. Yeah. What was I gonna do with that information? Yeah. Thinking now, looking back, what was I gonna do with that information? Yeah. Nothing. There's nothing I could do. Like, okay, it's 96 over 40. That is really low. But what am I gonna do now? Nothing. Nothing. Cause I can't do anything about it, can I? But then I would have been, oh my God, it's so low. You know, I need to go to the doctor. I need to find that. And I would have found out the doctor. Right, right.  Do my blood check. And I found out my, I don't even have it. And I found out the doctor once because it was really low. And it's like, Sarah, it's fine. I was like, yeah, but it's like, it's like 4. Cause our numbers are different. Yeah. The range is like 4.9 to 7 is normal. Yeah. And mine was like 4.  And I found out the doctor was like, just stop it, Sarah, just stop it. You don't have to die. I was like, yep, I've had like six glasses of water today. I'm really, this was when I was having my breakdown. So just drop it. Just drop it. There's nothing, you're fine. But then. Yeah, you don't have the ability to just drop it. No, no, rational thinking didn't exist for from December the 1st to February the 14th is when I took my first sense of presence, Valentine's Day. And so it was a really long time of just, I mean, that was the worst, but I mean, obviously it went for years before that, but that was a pinnacle of it. That is a long road that you went down. So I think in the end, and again, you know what? I think it's a valuable story for people to hear and the way you came out of it and did what you had to do.  I think, and you know, we can, you can feel free to, you don't have to answer anything you don't want, but I know people are also going to ask what, you know, is there any other anxiety issue that's still lingering because people are going to ask that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, agrophobia. Okay, that's fine. Yeah, that's fine. But the two separate issues. Yeah, I've got completely, yeah, yeah.  I mean, I've had friends that have like, like overcome agrophobia, but still struggle with health anxiety. Sure, sure. You're the only one. Yeah, so, I mean, it's, it's, and I can sit and go, yeah, I've recovered from health anxiety, but I still struggle with agrophobia, but I'm not anywhere near as bad as I was with that either. I mean, because when like, I don't know if it's when I was speaking to you or just before I was speaking to you, I was literally trapped in my, my down, I was trapped in the lounge downstairs. I couldn't even get to the, I couldn't even get upstairs to the toilet on my own. Yeah, I remember. Do you know what I mean? I've had to call people home to take me to the toilet. Yeah. I've come a long way since being trapped in my front room being taken to the toilet upstairs. You never looked like this. Like happy, relaxed, like you never, when I, when I was stressed, never you were never, you never were just chatting like this ever. I never saw you like this. So it's really great cause I was always constantly like, ah, in my head, like going, is there something now I don't have much in my head to be honest. There's not much going on out there. No, it's okay. I prefer it like this. This is easy. It's better. Sure, it's better when you're not upset and like constantly in your own head. No, I'm not upset. Having come as far as you did and getting past that crippling health anxiety and even being so improved with your other anxiety issues. You know, maybe it's not necessarily beyond agoraphobia, but like, what do you think the outlook is?  I mean, I'm currently, I'm having therapy again now. I've seen amazing therapist and she's the only one I've ever like clicked with. And she, it's like going in and chatting to a friend and we sit and talk about like life. We talk about my anxiety. We talk about all that kind of stuff. And it's just, and even last week, I've just read a book and I read the book and I was like, oh my God, it was one of those epiphany moments where he's like, oh my God, I get it. I finally get it. I actually get it, you know. And it was after I watched them do nothing. And I was like, oh my God, that's what Drew said. And I went and saw my therapist and I spoke to her about it. And I was like, oh my God, she goes, well actually, Sarah, that's what I've been telling you for like, I was like, yeah, but perhaps I needed to sit in black and white in front of me. Yeah, sure. But I mean, there was a time when I used to go and see her and I'd sit there and panic. You know, I'd be sitting there shaking and I don't have that anymore. You know, there's lots of areas. You know, I think that perhaps I might struggle with but there's other areas that I know are gonna be fine. And that is basically, and I'm gonna be like kind of, I don't wanna trivialize it but it does all come down to your thoughts. It's, that's true. And I don't think you trivialize, I trivialize. That is the bottom line, it's your thoughts. It's your thoughts that create all this crap that we deal with. Yeah. And even like when it's, you know, when you're having a panic attack out of the blue, it's not out of the blue because most of the time we're anxious about something and your body can't be anxious without it having to expel itself somehow. And that's when you have like out of the blue panic attack but it probably isn't because, you know, God knows what other things have been going on in your life that creates this. It's never really good at the point. Yeah. I know this now and I know that nothing's gonna hurt me. And I also read something that's very interesting that I'm gonna share. When like, when you have a panic attack and it feels absolutely horrible, the worst it can possibly feel, it's never gonna get any worse than that because that first release of adrenaline is as bad as you're gonna feel. You may think it's gonna feel worse than that.  That first hit of adrenaline is as bad as it's gonna get. As the worst it knows how to do. It is the worst. Yeah. And it can only come down from there. I mean, you can keep it going at that level. If you allow it, it will never reach that point of the first bit where it's gonna die. That's it, that's it. That is the level it's gonna get.  Oh, good God. If you do not even know, I'm just gonna flat it. I cannot believe I'm hearing you say these things. Just kill me. Yeah, just kill me if it wants. Dad, come on. There were times in the past that I just wanted to shake you because I knew this was in you and like, here it is. Yeah. You may say that you're still agoraphobic but you are flat out at the top of my success story list. Absolutely. Because to know like where you were back in those days and the things you used to say and the way you would describe yourself as this is it. I'm just, you literally wrote a blog entitled, I'm agoraphobic. That was the name of your blog. Too bad, this is what I am. Yeah. And. Yeah. What a huge, huge difference in you. I can't even believe it. Oh, no, it's just like, it's gonna, you know, it's hard work and I'm not gonna say that no point I'm gonna go, oh my God, I can't do, you know, I'm having a moment and I don't know if I can do this and perhaps I'll sit in my house for another three months but that's what it is. It's always gonna be a rollercoaster, isn't it? Absolutely. We have a condition.  It's never straight up. Yeah. It's not gonna be Disney World. Excuse me, it's not Disney World, is it? It's not gonna be, sorry. It's okay, it's totally fine. It's not Disney World. We're gonna have peaks and troughs but it's just going, I can't, you know. And I keep, and I keep, like, for the last couple of weeks I keep putting myself in positions where, you know, I know would make me panic, you know. I walk further than I could or I should be able to do and I'm like doing it. I'm like walking, I'm like, come on then, you know. Mate, come on, come on, I'm waiting for you. Yeah. And I'm like, and I feel a bit like disheartened when it doesn't happen because I'm like, because I wanted to prove to myself that, you know, I can handle it. So, so, so impressive. I can't even get to tell you, like, this is amazing. It's really great, really great. So, thank you so much. I'm not gonna pretend it's not, you know, it isn't easy but, you know. It's not easy. It's not supposed to be. I'm done, I'm done. I mean, I've had 21 years of it. You know, I think, I think I've done my bit now. I think you have, I think you have. Wow, this is so great. So, so, so, so great. I can't even get to tell you. Like, I am just bubbly. So, really great, really great. Well, I have anything else you wanna add? I mean, I appreciate you've given me 40 minutes of your time. So great, but. Just if anybody wants to contact me then. Just contact me. Yeah, just talk to me. I mean, I'll talk to anybody about it. So, if they need to know anything else or I've missed something else, just, you know, message me whatever, it's fine. Do you still have a channel on YouTube? Yes, yeah. Is it active? Do you still post? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll link it. Send me the link. I'll put it in the description. Yeah, I'll put it in the description. I can't remember what it is. That's fine. Send me the link. I'll link it in the description so you guys can check it out. It is active, I do. I do frequently post on there, yeah. Yeah. Are any of your old videos from back in the day still there? Yeah, all there. Everything's still there. Oh, then we must, yes. Yeah, everything's still there. I did one example of a tremendous turnaround from one state to another. Yeah, why am I a phobia? Or am I a phobia? Like, oh God. I'm so like, I'm a personality back then.  Which is, where is it? Oh God, that's rough. I'm a lot older now and I think perhaps I'm a lot wiser. Well, that happens. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's a benefit of a few extra years, I get it. Yeah, yeah, it's been cool. A few more gray hairs. Okay, oh yeah. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. More gray hair. No, no, that's me. Oh, you're talking about you, yeah. Yeah, I'm not talking about me. Yeah, I'm dying it. This is natural. This is died. Oh, you're not supposed to give your secrets already like that. You know that. I don't care. Well, thank you so much, Sarah. Like, this has been so, so, so great. And maybe we'll try it again. Like, when you're out and about. Yeah. Okay. So much fun. Thank you for having me. Yes, you're very, very welcome.  So guys, thanks. Make sure you check out Sarah's channel. Join the Facebook group. I'll put a link in the description like I know Sarah's there. I don't know how often, but you know, there's so many great people and a lot of help. So go with it. Lovely. Okay. Thanks guys. See you next time.


Hello, everyone. I am Yuki from Hitachi. Today, I'd like to share my contribution to Hypertrap Fabric. I'm a researcher and I'm working to develop new blockchain applications. I'm now interested in token, so I made a reference implementation of ESC-20 and ESC-71 of Hypertrap Fabric. The code was originally merged in Hypertrap Fabric, so in the session, I want to share the motivation, design, and how to use it. Here's the agenda. The first topic is motivation. As Brian said, as a keynote speech session, token is a very hot topic. Token is expected to transform about the daily life of businesses. There are various tokens like cash, security, property, ticket, etc. A token represents ownership over digital or physical assets, so we can use tokens for many use cases. So token is created by tokenization. Tokenization means the process of transferring life of an existing asset into a digital token. When an owner shows the verification of ownership, the asset is converted into token on blockchain network. We use blockchain for various benefits. If we use blockchain for tokens, we can reduce the intermediaries, and the asset is stored on secure and immutable database, so we can track the history of assets. And we can also spread an asset into more virtual assets, so these features will create new ideas. So we use blockchain for tokens. So how we design tokens? When we design tokens, we design token application and infrastructure. Token application means that we design the specification of tokens, like data model or behavior. For designing tokens, we can use some token type or token standards and customize it. We also need to consider legal compliance or governance or interoperability to satisfy our use case. After designing the token application, we also design the infrastructure to satisfy our requirement. We design security, security and privacy of infrastructure, and we also need identity management system. So these are the stacks of token application and infrastructure. So token became popular in the industry market first. Now, D2B market is also expecting tokens because token will transform their complex business processes, or token will create new business opportunities. There are some use cases like supply chain finance, trade finance, or cover accounting. This graph shows the example of supply chain finance with token. Many stake holders can get benefit from tokens. And this graph shows the typical structure of manufacturers like automotive industries or electronics industries. A large corporate buys some parts from tier one supply A, and the large company provides account receivable to tier one supply A. So tier one supply can get cash in 30 minutes or 60 days. So if tier one supply doesn't have enough cash, they can to pay to tier two supply B. To solve issues, we can use tokens. A large corporate can issue token representing digital payment obligation granted by financial institutions, and the large company can use this token to buy some parts from tier one supply A. Then tier one supply A can use this token to pay to tier two supply B. And these suppliers can also apply financing to financial institutions by using this token. So this is the examples of digital tokens. However, there are some issues in digital tokens because developing token system is beyond developing smart contract. So governor's model is also important. First, clear responsibility is required. B2B transactions need to be approved by legal entities which really exist. And the transaction finality is also important to make the contract effective. And the participating companies need to follow compliance policy and they need to pass order to process. Secondly, confidentiality is important. B2B transactions have many confidential data. So a transaction should be kept among relevant stakeholders. At the same time, we also achieve credibility because the benefit of token is tracking the history of assets. So we need to consider the path between privacy and credibility. Lastly, tokens need to be easy to use. Many stakeholders join this token network. So everyone can understand the token specification correctly. To solve these issues, I implemented ERC-20 and ERC-721 token on hybrid fabric. For clear responsibility, hybrid fabric provides organization-based identity model and endorsement policy. So transactions are signed and agreed by legal entities. Fabric provides a consensus mechanism called Execute Order Violate Model. So transaction finality is guaranteed. For confidentiality, Fabric provides channel and private data collections so we can keep transaction secret. For easy to use, I used ERC-20 and ERC-721 which took on standards. And I will explain it in the later. And the fabric also supports JL token languages like JavaScript, Go, Java so engineers can develop smart contracts easily. So this is the basic idea of my solution. So let me explain the design in detail. So there are two famous token types, fungible token and non-fungible token. Fungible token is interchangeable and indistinguishable from each other. Examples include money, gold, oil, etc. Non-fungible token is unique and distinguishable from each other. We can track the ownership of each one separately. Examples include artifacts, houses, tickets, etc. Various tokens are derived from fungible token or non-fungible token. And some tokens are a combination of these two tokens. In Israel, there are standardized tokens registration for fungible tokens and non-fungible token. ERC-20 is the interface for fungible token and ERC-721 is the interface for non-fungible token. These standards define all these interfaces of smart contracts and the implementation is left for each developer. So it means implementation is left for each blockchain. So I decided to develop the first implementation of ERC-20 and ERC-721 on hybrid fabric because we can reuse these practices of tokens and we can also satisfy the strong governance requirement for B2B tokens. This graph shows the functions of fungible token smart contract. We can issue tokens, then the issue token can be transferred to other users. And we can also reuse the token at the end of the life cycle. And users can also get the balance of each owner and get the total balance. Now these functions are implementations of ERC-20 and also added some functions for operations in the real use cases. So this graph shows the functions of non-fungible token smart contract. Like fungible tokens we can issue token and then we can transfer the token to other owner and we can redeem it. And non-fungible token has an owner on it so it gets the owner of the token and we can also get the balance of each owner and total supply. So the token smart contract uses identity management. User accounts are linked to current entities issued by organizations. Each organization has a certificate authority to register and enroll users. In this graph O1 has a CA and CA issues identity for user one. And the user one has an account in fungible token. And the fungible token has a key value data. The key is the identity of the user and the value is the balance of user. So this is how a user is linked to an account. Token smart contract has access control policy based on MSPID or user identity. All the identities from permitted organizations can issue our real tokens. In this figure O1 is an issuing company. So I1 under this organization can issue a token because it passes the access control. On the other hand all user two at O2 cannot issue a token because it doesn't have valid MSPID. For transfer, only the owner or permission for the party can transfer tokens. Now with that too, he can transfer his or her token because he or she is an owner. So this is just a reference implementation. So you can customize access control policy to satisfy your use case. So when I contributed and called to Fabric committee, I had some discussions with Fabric maintenance. And we made some decisions to improve the quality of smart token smart contract. So looking at some tips for Fabric engineers. The first tips is to make the most of Janko's functionalities as far as we satisfy the original goal of ERC-721 specification. ERC-721 has animation extension. Animation extension is optional and it allows a contract to publish its full list of non-fungible tokens. So smart contract marries a list of tokens owned by all owners. So it has a counter containing all token. So when the number of tokens increases, the counter consumes huge memory. So to avoid the memory shortage, we remove the entity from the token smart contract. We can do it because Janko has an API code get state by partial components to key. So we can get these tokens by calling this function. So we can save the memory space. The other tips is avoiding LVCC conflict. LVCC starts for multi-version concurrency check. It is a common issue in Fabric. And this problem happens when implementing the token. And non-fungible token has a function, Brazil. Brazil returns the number of tokens owned by each owner. So the simple implementation is having a path record for each owner. And when transferring non-fungible token, we can add one or remove one to count the variance. However, when multiple transactions transfer different tokens owned by the one, the transaction tries to update the balance of one at the same time. So at least the LVCC conflicts and the transactions are not committed. So to avoid the issue, we removed the account records. So instead of having an independent case, we count the variance at the create time. So when the balance is called, tokens are searched and it returns as a number of tokens owned by each owner. So this is a reference implementation. So I think you are curious about the difference or relationship between Fabric's token and U.S. token. So my idea is to select a proper token for your use case. And for example, if you need consensus between legal entities or you need clear governance, we can use Fabric's token. Or you need a token accessible to anyone. Or you need a crypto token. You can use U.S. token. In other words, Habitat Fabric is suitable for use case which requires some governance. So the last part is getting started. So this implementation is available at Fabric's samples repository. Each sample contains readme. And the readme explains the test scenario and how to issue transfer token step by step. Interestation, I will work through the most important part. So if you are interested in using it, please check the readme at this link. So this graph shows the system architecture of the token sample. It consists of org1 and org2. And this organization has a PLCA chain code. And this network is launched by a script called TestNetwork. After launching the network, we issue or register entities. There are two users in this test scenario, Minter and CPNT. So org1, CA issues an identity for Minter and org2 CA issues an identity for recipient. And so now we can issue and transfer tokens. So in the test scenario, Minter at org1 issues some tokens to its account. Then the Minter transfers some tokens to recipient at org2. So this is a very basic scenario. So you can add more scenarios. Or this token is just a smart contract. So you can add more data model or behavior as you like. So please try it. Okay, so this is a summary of my presentation. And the motivation was to create tokens for B2B use cases because it requires a thorough governance model. So I used Fabulous Fabric to satisfy the strong governance requirement. I also used the interface of ERC-20 and ERC-721 to use the best practices of tokens. And I also tried to make most of Fabric's functionalities to make simple smart contract. And so implementation is available at FabExample possibly. So please check and try it. This is the end of my presentation. Thank you for everyone. So let's go to that. Just a Q&A session. So before everyone, it may be some technical issues. Sorry. Yuki, there are a couple of questions in the chat window. So maybe you can just use the chat window. Chat window? Okay. Thank you. Okay. Question in the chat. Yeah, so here to share my contribution with you. If you can check who is the card. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Lafayette? Is there a demo of a... Sorry. Is there a demo of... In FabExample, it will go... Oh, sorry. Is it in JavaScript? So, but the tangible token is written in JavaScript. So please check the report story. Next question from Kriji Brescia. My thread is uploaded as a forum. So you can download my slides from the website. And in the slide, I put the link to the repository. So please check the slide and link. So, yeah. So, any did have this tutorial. So it's not a tutorial, but they don't mean maybe some kind of tutorial. So we explained the test scenario and how to set up the FabExample. How to register Unity and how to issue tokens. So it may be such kind. It may... It's not a tutorial, but yeah, you can work through how to use it. So please check the readme. Okay. Okay. So what are the difficulties with creating FabToken compared with ERC 20 and ERC 721? Good question. So the most... The big difference is the programming language. And so as you know, original is a young token and is... And the FabExample contract isn't written in Go or JavaScript. So, yeah, familiar with Go or JavaScript. FabExample token may be a good starting point. And if you are familiar with 3D and you want to use as a cryptic token or instead of tokens, you can start from the Ethereum. Oh, sorry. Next question. Oh, sorry. And I mean, what did CalT do to you for using FabToken for production quality for network? Reaction program. Okay. Yeah, it's a good question. So for production use and I think there's issues. And the first issue is... First issue is the cruelty of smart contract. So as you know, there are some famous instance of the security or back in smart contract. So for production, we need to test the smart contract here free to check if there's no bugs. Or if you find some bugs as a production operation, you need to fix it immediately and to save our assets. So, okay. So now... Okay, it may be the last question. So, thank you, Marcus. To divert a supplier in a FabExample by-chain for good performance, we usually recommend that FabToken watch as a simply virtual ecosystem. If token is 320. Oh, so I'm sorry. I can't catch the context. So I'm sorry you're very long. But I think we can use this token or customized token for supply chain, you know, to represent the ownership of physical assets. So supply chain means transfer assets to stakeholders in the network. So yeah, I think we can apply these tokens to supply chain network. Okay. So, yeah, again, so thank you for everyone. I'll be happy to be here with you today. So I got many good feedback from you. So I appreciate it to you. So, yeah, as I mentioned, the site is available at the Hyperledger Grow Forum site. So please download the site and check the poster. And if you have any feedback, please let me know. Or you can just post it to the GitHub or FabExample. So thank you, everyone. Yeah, so I appreciate it. And please enjoy the other sessions. Thank you. Bye.


Hi everyone, Joe for jazzy'scasebreaks.com coming at you with 2020 Topps chrome baseball jumbo pack Number two just one one little pack right But the whole point of this is that the end will re-randomize your names the top ten are gonna get teams Just gonna line you up if you're if your name is on top you get the twins if you're the fifth name down You get the pirates if you're the tenth name down you get the cardinals But that's gonna be at the end But we're gonna do the break itself first as always with little filler breaks like this Big thanks all of these folks for getting into it. Good luck. There are the teams right here. Let's roll it Let's randomize it one and a five six times for each list one two three After six times we got Oliver down to Stephen K And then let's assign you a random team six times the teams one two three four Five and six now this jumbo pack is from a fresh. It's only the second pack of a fresh jumbo box if you're keeping track at home Padres down to the Mariners and there's five autographs in every jumbo box So there's a possibility at a at an actual auto a proper hit in here, too a proper hit All right, so there's the first half of the list right here Right there Dodgers Mike tower Yankees Ryan H Angels Joe Blue Jays Ryan H So on and so forth Chris with the Astros A lot of great ground a great potential here. It's even cave Kyle Lewis's All right, let's sort by a column B by team and No trades in these little pack rates. Let's just print and let's rip and we got a full let's find out What's going over here? All right, so Remember I kind of pulled it out of a fresh box. I kind of shuffled it a little bit and then I'm gonna eat me Me money moe That's the one probably shuffle this I'll just shuffle it right now Good luck an auto in there I see a die cut in there There you go and coming up after this once we give away the last bit of teams picker team three hobby picker team three coming up See a L'Oriano. There's the willy maze die cut Jack Flaherty refractor Jesus Lizardo 1985 no ink no ink, but Maybe in the next one box there are one packed filler break we might find some ink, okay Back here Chris with the dime back down to Patrick in the nationals you guys new list And once again, it'll be the top ten names right here that'll get Spots in pick your team three as you can see in that bottom tab right there PYT number three hobby three Good luck. Let's roll it. Let's randomize it seven times six and a one one two three and Seventh and final time after seven times. There's your top ten right there And apologies everybody else, but thank you for giving it a shot. We appreciate it. All right, so Ryan You have the twins will put Sorry Robert Ryan you have the twins So we'll put a little rooftop next to your name so you know you've won that in this pack break Robert with the Royals Kevin with the Rocky Sean with the Red Sox all over you got the Pirates Sean You also have the Phillies and the Orioles Ryan Crouch with the Nats Chris freeze with the Marlins and Ryan H with the Red Birds the Cardinals there you go. Thanks for watching coming up in a separate video We'll be the break itself Joe for Jasper's case breaks.com. I'll see you next time


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What we find is compared to the pattern of interaction with other people. So who do you talk to when and what situations? Those other factors are tiny. They're often a whole order of magnitude less important than just do you talk to all the people in your group? Do you talk outside of your group? Do you violate the org chart and talk to other people? If you do, you're almost certainly one of the high productivity, high innovation people.


So what are you there for? What's your role as the narcissist's intimate partner? You are there to facilitate this solution, the narcissistic solution. You are there to serve as the narcissist's womb, as his mother's womb. You are the womb. I want you to understand how critical, supremely critical your role is. Now, the narcissist would deny this. Because he is a schizoid, remember. At core, the core of the narcissist, the non-existent core, is absence, schizoid absence.  But really, your function, your role in the narcissist's life is regulatory and life-sustaining. Let me put it this way. If you modify the narcissist, this is the closest that he comes to suicide. Because he becomes effectively a borderline, dysregulated emotions. All these defenses crumble. And we know that when these defenses crumble, narcissists develop borderline traits, as do victims of complex trauma, by the way. So you are there in the narcissist's life within his shared fantasy, shared fantasy is a controlled space. Because the narcissist can't take chances with you. He can't have you improvising. He can't rely on your goodwill, judgment, moods, effects, cognition, no, no way. He's not going to trust you with anything, ever.  That way, he feels safe. But within the shared fantasy, your main function is to be the womb of his mother, the place where he can go to when he is in the schizoid state. You are the womb, you are the found and source of the oceanic feeling of safety that he experiences when he is with you.  Never mind how much he fights with you.  Still, you are the womb. You are the safest, most holding, unconditionally accepting place where he can shed some of his narcissistic defenses and indulge in or experience fearlessly the schizoid state. You have another function, of course, secondary narcissistic supply. Your function is to affirm the reality and the veracity of the false self. You tell the narcissist the false self is not false, it's true, it's real. So you have two functions. The most important one, you are the safe zone.  It's to you that he goes when he needs to let go and become a schizoid. You are his schizoid sanctuary. And the second thing is you uphold and buttress and support his grandiose false self because it's the only way that he can have any relationship with you. You're an external object. He has relationships with external objects only via the false self. It's not safe to have a relationship directly with you. It needs to be mediated, filtered, firewalled, evaluated, assessed, accessed, reframed, whatever, via the false self and its grandiose fantasies. Remember that the narcissist misperceives you as an external object when actually he had internalized you already.  But he mistakes you for an external object. There's a confusion in his mind. He thinks you're external when actually he's interacting exclusively with your representation in his mind that because you're external in his mind, because you're external in his mind, wrongly, you have the power to tell him, you have the power to report to him about reality.  You're the gauge. He refers to you for reality testing. And the most critical question in his mind, am I nuts? Am I insane? Is the false self real? And you are there to say, yes, dear, it is real.  You are amazing. You sort of accumulate. You record past narcissistic glories and recount them to him. Sick transit. Narcissus mundi. Sick transit gloria. Narcissi put it this way.  You are his safe refuge and sanctuary where he can be himself, where he can be, where he can be a non entity, where he can be an absence. Himself means not self because he has no ego. Where he can vanish, knowing full well that he will rematerialize. It's like teleportation. You're the teleportation chamber.  You're his reality testing. Nothing is more important.   You're the womb. The narcissist internalizes all external objects. They said so. So if we take this principle, you begin to understand that your existence in the narcissist's mind is very, very bizarre and peculiar. Take, for example, the famous Madonna-Horre complex. The Madonna-Horre complex is not a splitting defense directed at external objects because narcissists don't interact with external objects. They internalize them. They interact only with internal objects. So it is meaningless to say that the narcissist regards some women as Madonna's and some women as whores. It's meaningless because it does not regard women end of story. It regards representations of women. It interacts with internal objects that stands for women. But these internal objects have very little to do with you. They go through a process of idealization and it's a mess. It's not you. So what is the Madonna-Horre complex? It's an internal splitting, not external splitting, because there's no external object relations with the narcissist. There's no contact with external objects. So it must be an internal splitting as Gatry had observed the self is split, the non-existent self.  The processes, the psychodynamic processes, they're split. The narcissist splits himself to all body and all mind, all mental. Reminiscent of somatic and cerebral, yes? So all body and all mental. The all body part interacts with orish women. It doesn't have anything to do with judging these women. It's not that the narcissist is like, well, I'm going to look for orish women. It's that his body part interacts with women who are classified as a woman. Are classified as orish internal objects. And his mind part interacts with women who are classified as Madonna internal objects. They're both internal objects. The narcissist is auto-erotic. He has sex. He loves, he's libidinally invested, is emotionally affected. All the processes are auto-directed, self-directed.  But he splits himself, internal splitting. That's an example of how bizarre the narcissist world is.  To remind you of the sexual fetish is originally, the fetish is when the savage saw something as the embodiment of his God. So it could be an object. And the savage said, well, God is in this object. And that's a fetish. Freud discusses this in three contributions to the theory of sex, 1905. So when you have a propensity to regard or treat other people, caregivers, parents, intimate partners, as objects to objectify them, that's fetishism. When the narcissist converts you, objectifies you into an internal object, he's fetishizing you. He is treating you as a fetish. Now fetishism is an inevitable phase of personal development and growth during the formative years, six, six months to three years. Psychoanalysis and object relations theories teach us that we outgrow the fetishistic immature way of relating to external objects to the human environment. Instead, what is what replaces fetishism is empathy. When we perceive others as human beings, full fledged human beings, not objects. And yet some people, narcissists, for example. But not only narcissists. I mentioned paranoics. I mentioned borderlines. I mentioned co-dependence. They're all the same. These people remain fixated in the fetishistic phase. They do not progress into full fledged adulthood. And arguably the most ostentatious manifestation of this retardation is sexual. There's a parapheria called fetishes. But there is mental or psychological fetishism. And it is equally rampant and equally egregious. In sexual fetishism, there are three types of fetishes. Inanimate object, body part, or reified trait. So classic fetishes, sexual fetishes react to a specific object or specific body part or specific trait or quality of a person. The narcissist is exactly the same. He transforms you into an object and then he reacts to your traits, to your body parts. Anyone who has ever had sex with the narcissist will note the narcissist's inordinate focus on specific body parts. You know, feet, breasts. The narcissist reduces his intimate partner, his female intimate partner, or his intimate partner, into an assemblage of organs, assemblage of body parts. And then he chooses some of these body parts as erotic, erogenous zones. And he is aroused by these body parts actually, not by the totality. This sense is a fetishist. That is of course sexual fetishism. We have objective fetishes. These are people who fetishize objects. We have somatic fetishes who fetishize body parts. And we have abstract fetishes who fetishize a personality trait or a body trait. The same with psychological fetishes. The narcissist fetishizes your body parts, fetishizes you as an object and fetishizes certain traits. This process of fetishizing the traits is what is called idealization. It's when you convert, when you invest emotionally. And according to Freud and many others, right? There's no difference between emotional energy and sexual energy. When you invest emotionally in a specific set of traits, this is idealization. When you elevate them emotionally to a privileged position, that's idealization. So people who prefer autoerotic, partialist, anonymous sex, they are also fetishes. With the fetish being their own bodies or the organs of their sex partners. So the narcissist behaves this way in sex. He's focused on his gratification, his body. He uses your body parts. He masturbates with your body in effect. But also outside the bedroom. He uses you for gratification. He reduces you. He reduces you to a set of traits. One, two, three traits, four traits. And you have these traits. And he can do this because he is not interacting with you. He's interacting with an internal object. And he can design and redesign this internal object as he sees fit. He's in total control. So this is a pathological attachment to a fetish, but this is an internalized fetish. Because the narcissist is autoerotic, even his fetishism is directed inwards, not outwards.  Narcissistic fetishes direct everything inwards. So they're going to fetishize an internal object and the idealized traits of this internal object. And it's going to carry over to the sex as well. And so in the absence of the fetish, most fetishes are sexually dysfunctional. Same with the narcissists. In the absence of the fetishized, idealized internal object, he becomes dysfunctional.  And similarly, anyone can serve as an intimate partner or a source of supply. It's a kind of tunnel vision. It's very similar to the autism spectrum disorder, schizophranical, somatic. Somatophon disorders. It indicates an underlying mental health problem or trauma or process. Okay, the narcissist fetishizes you. He internalizes you. He reduces you to set of traits and so on. And then he uses you. He uses you to uphold his false self, to establish reality testing. And to become the safe zone where he can be himself, him non-self, schizont. And this is actually your role. When you abandon the narcissist or threaten to abandon him, and when you cheat on him, when you betray him, as he sees it, and so on, everything falls apart and he is modified. Same process in borderline, same process in codependency. We can ask, okay, if it's the same process in all three, aren't these three one and the same? No, of course not. Massive differences. I suggest that you watch relevant videos. But this particular process, these defenses against the schizoid state exist in all three disorders. But remember, the narcissist solution is an exact opposite, the diametrical opposite to the borderline codependent solution. All three fetishize the intimate partner. All three idealize the intimate partner. But the narcissist chooses to assimilate her, to swallow her, to convert her into an internal object. And the borderline and codependent want the intimate partner to do it to them. They want to become an internal object in the intimate, inside the intimate partner. They want to go back to the womb, but to a specific womb, a functional womb, a womb which will provide external object relations. The narcissist wants to go back to the womb, but again, a specific womb, a womb that will uphold his view of himself, the false self, grandiosity. So they all want to go back to the womb because they are driven by the schizoid engine. They're driven by the schizoid core, but they resist this drive. They strike a compromise with the schizoid state. They say, please, we will become absent. We will disappear. We promise. We will not exist anymore. But please, let us experience objects, relationships with objects, with other people. Please, and we will do it in a way that will satisfy you because we will disappear in the process of having a relationship with an external object. We will disappear by becoming the false self. We will disappear by merging and fusing with an intimate partner. We will disappear by developing extreme dependence on an intimate partner. The disappearing act is the schizoid part. It's the sacrifice, the human sacrifice to the schizoid God, schizoid idol. The what's left are the dysfunctional solutions that these children had found in desperate attempts to not disappear, to somehow remain rooted or planted in reality, to keep one foot in reality, to somehow, somewhere with someone, have a fleeting, ephemeral touch of contact like a butterfly, simulated external relationships. These people crave, crave intimacy and love, crave other people. They just can't. They feel threatened, and they had become schizoids early on. And the borderline veneer, the codependency veneer, the narcissism veneer, these are all camouflages, they're all compromises struck with the schizoid core, allowing the person, the non-person, the non-entity, to pretend in a make-belief world that she or he is in touch with other people, is loved, is held, knowing deep inside that it's a doomed effort. A doomed effort, because ultimately, the schizoid wins. All narcissists end life, all narcissists end life, alone, decomposing, decaying, ruminating and brooding on past glories, pathetically trying to recapture them and recreate them. All narcissists, all borderlines, all codependence, end up losing the battle and becoming full-fledged schizoids.