Hello and welcome back here to the channel. I'm evil rabbit You guys are looking at some old footage from when I first changed my G920 wheel to the energy innovations wheel I've been going back reminiscing on my rig and how it's changed and how things have progressed, you know with energy innovations as a Coming on as a sponsor to on the channel to where my rig is with my You know upgrades and everything like that so this was back when I first upgraded my energy wheel and forza horizon 3 and It was when I put the mint green new chrome og wheel on it That's what you guys a lot of you guys remember the channel for so it's been a long road Starting off with the factory giant 20 to what I have now and it's an incredible, you know Accomplishment something I've always wanted is you know this awesome sim ring this, you know amazing thing that I could Just drive and have a lot of fun with and you know have a proper setup So switching to the energy wheel was the first biggest step in my endeavor of doing this as you can see We were in horizon 3 in the parking lot section and we were just ripping and I'm looking back at these videos You know, this was 1080p, but it's just it's kind of blurry I mean the the quality of you know the recording software and everything I started using has definitely increased over time So that was like the first big play in my sim setup was that changed that energy wheel we were using basically a Airsoft barrel as a handbrake going on a push button and then I would say the most iconic thing that a lot of people know is my video about You know the customizing handbrake and taking the buttons and putting it off onto the side and Thing, you know like that and running the buttons on the side of my rig With a quick release just basically on it an old little quickers my bunny rabbit right there So just a old, you know universal quick release that we had grabbed off eBay You know snaps the main green wheel on with the buttons on the side It was something I was want to do because I never wanted anything behind it Because they didn't do much racing so for me It was perfect just to do it this way and then we had just had the spinning quick release didn't have the energy Quick release or anything like that just rocking the oh mint green. Yo chrome energy wheel and Then we progressed even more when energy fully came on as a sponsor and of course energy innovation Took me up with the bucket seat that I ride, you know sit in all the time now you know energy innovations coming on strong in the beginning when I started my channel new and Continuing to support me and continue to support, you know the channel and my team and it was just amazing You know when they sent that out to me so I could upgrade my rig for definitely an amazing time, you know getting that seat and Then we get into Something that everybody knew about my rig and it's The my wooden rig basically built table, you know buttons on the side mounted up couple You know monitors stacked up, you know Xbox down there kind of a mess, you know wiring mess everywhere and just you know Just cluster of wires and it was just It was I was doing what I could and we ended up getting over to the handbrake and you know modifying the handbrake everybody was You know really give me, you know funny comments about why I was just crammed in there and of course, you know right back there Is that infamous corona bottle that everybody noticed in the video back when I did this in 2018? So it's been a long road and it's been Very fun, you know great appreciative to the community something I've always wanted like I said isn't is this amazing sim rig Something I was always a big fan of when I started drifting on my G920 and racing with it before that I had a driving force rig and everything like that so After that we went into having the sequential shifter mod that I built and we set up a newer style Table setup with you know the sequential to just a tap, you know keep calm and drift on and We still rock in the giant Tony. We had the Am Studios quick releases and everything like that still rock in the monitors But we had painted the base we had a couple more wheels to add to the collection and things of that nature Which definitely was incredible to add all of that with energy, you know coming on board you know getting some nice suede wheels and things of that nature in the long run and Then something came that was extremely Big for me and that was getting my fan attack setup getting my fan attack setup at having a proper I would say sim setup fan attack, you know is definitely a higher-end wheel set You know with the full pressurized pedals and everything like that So I know I got a lot of grief when I went to the fan attack setup because everybody knew me for the G920 in The customness, but I definitely wanted to upgrade my Rig and get the fan attack so we went into the full fan attack setup with the shifters and everything And we just you know had a blast with it definitely enjoyed it And you know my energy stuff went right on to it with a quick release and everything So then we get into the built rig that I made a tutorial on something that I was really incredible and happy to build Something that was simple cool, and I could build and make almost like our actual rig style And I was like all right well we're gonna do this and maybe paint it maybe would burn it do things of that nature Make it look sweet something that I could say was you know hand-built and custom and cool because I wanted this style of a rig So that's why we built this we had the little center console going on it was built out of you know two by eights and two by fours and fan attack bolts that are right on we had to figure out how to Put the monitors and things of that nature, and that's kind of where I've been for well since July of 2019 so my setup hasn't changed much it's been this would set up I've just moved some monitors around and things out nature moved rooms, and we built the PC, but now We're gonna get into the main purpose. The thing is I've always wanted a setup a setup that was a basically a premium sim set up that I could enjoy and have good times and It was NRG innovations coming in and helping me out and getting this dream setup of mine something I've dreamed to have for a very long time a proper sim rig a proper sim setup You know multiple monitors to be able to do streaming and shats and all that so you know energy innovations definitely came in clutch so now Where do we go from here? Well, you're about to find out and this is where we go to today We have a new sim chassis a big. Thank you to NRG innovations for hooking me up with their new sim base Something I've always dreamt of having is a full proper base So of course we still obviously still have the PC on the side all of our energy innovations wheels, but this is the new Sim chassis from NRG innovations. Definitely very great quality metal and fully adjustable with the pedal sliders and everything like that Keyboard mount shifter plate. It's even got a freaking cup holder So this is the new installment of the setup that I will be running big 32-inch monitors and of course we have the side monitor for chat So this is definitely something I've been wanting for a very long time a full proper Sim rig, you know getting off that wood rig that people would always Give me crap for for having. Oh, I think it's like on a wood rig. I love my wood rig But energy definitely coming in clutch with this amazingly built and designed the chassis Can't thank them enough for being a supporter of the channel and supporter of myself and you know allowing me all this Amazing equipment, you know the energy innovations wheels the seats everything like that. So quick look obviously in To the sim setup. We have obviously the energy seat that I've been rocking for a very long time And once we get into it, of course the full fan of tech with the tablet in the back. We have our side monitor Definitely amazing picture. Thanks Rhodes and then our main monitor our main MSI curve And then of course we have the vertical mount One for chat, which right now has discord on but that is you know Going to be for live streams and things of that nature And then of course the shifter plate with the handbrake and everything on the side perfect fit Fully adjustable pedals not wearing my shoes. Those are down there So it's definitely an amazing thing to me to actually get to the goal I've set to have which was this amazing chassis and a full blown-out sim rig So once again, I can't think energy innovations enough for this It's definitely an amazing chassis and something that I will have for a very long time So we will go into another video on this setup and get more in-depth on all the ins and outs of the chassis Just something I wanted to bring out for you guys so meet you guys follow me on social media And as always I'm your rabbit. I'll see you guys on the track You


Welcome to Think Tech on OC16, Hawaii's weekly newscast on things that matter to tech and to Hawaii. I'm Jay Fidel. And I'm Raya Salter. In our show this week, we'll take you to a meeting of HANO, the Hawaii Alliance of Nonprofit Organizations, covering how nonprofits are doing under the new paradigm of the Trump administration. The keynote by Tim Delaney, president of the National Association of Nonprofits, addressed the new risks for nonprofits under this administration. The news remarks were entitled, Urgent Threats, What's at Risk for Nonprofits in the New Policy Landscape? Tim Delaney is a lawyer and leader. He applies his expertise in law, government, and the nonprofit sector in his role as president of the National Council of Nonprofits in Washington and as a resource and advocate for the nonprofit sector. He and the National Council of Nonprofits work to help charitable nonprofits achieve greater impact by identifying emerging trends, engaging in critical policy issues, exchanging proven practices, and advancing their missions through advocacy. Since graduating from Yale and the University of Texas, Tim has helped nonprofits in a variety of ways. Among other things, he has delivered hundreds of keynote presentations to a diverse range of organizations and groups, and has written extensively about public policy issues affecting the nonprofit sector across our country. We know that the 2016 elections altered the faces and philosophies of many policy players in local, state, and federal government.  Tim is well positioned to connect the dots and explore how these changes will affect the nonprofit sector and what can be done about it. We know that the Trump administration is making drastic budget cuts all over the landscape, and many of them are highly questionable and profoundly damaging. Some cuts are more highly publicized than others. We need to examine the impacts of these cuts on Hawaii, determine how to respond to or counteract them, and otherwise keep on nonprofits and our community going. Tim spoke about these things to the members of Hanoi at the Pomaikai Ballroom on May 11th. The meeting was very well attended and his remarks and advice were the centerpiece of the program that day. Just a slight handful of all the different advocacy groups out there for the chambers of commerce and NFIB and the defense industries and bankers and insurance and attorneys and doctors and more and more. And they get to fuel their advocacy there at the table because they earn profits that they can then reinvest in various advocacy groups to then lift their voices. They have a major seat at the table. Many people would submit that they own the table. Then we have groups on the government sector, on the right-hand side of the screen. We have the National Governors Association. We have an organization that I used to be very active in, the National Association of Attorneys General, otherwise known as NAG. Can you imagine a more discreet acronym for attorneys general than NAG? The Council of State Governors, Lieutenant Governors, Secretaries of State, Mayors, etc. I was active in some of those groups. I saw how they would come together and share information across state lines and then they could come out with more policies and sometimes they would come together and say, we don't have enough money, how can we go out and get that? And some of the times I heard people say you can do things against nonprofits and that's how you can advance some of the things that you're trying to do. And I remember thinking at the time, that's so wrong. And so I was looking forward when I was hired in 2008, when Lisa was, to be able to go to D.C. and work with all nonprofits across the country to share what's going on across state lines because the other sectors are obviously doing that. And I discovered as I was going into D.C. and trying to have these communications that, lo and behold, the nonprofit sector was naked and we needed to have at least a tiny fig leaf to cover us up so we could connect the dots across state lines and that's what we try to do in transforming the National Council of Nonprofits so that we can be connecting the various nonprofits across the country. In addition to our state associations and nonprofit allies, we also have a membership group called the state policy allies. These are national groups that have state focus in their public policy because that has been our bread and butter in the past and so the why, Girl Scouts, Goodwill, United Way, etc. have all joined us so that we can then be connecting the policy dots across state lines so that we can be lifting our voices together. Our main focus in the past has been at the state level. We could no longer focus primarily at the state level so we have pivoted to also start looking at the federal level. We have pivoted to do that in part to help inform you at what's happened at the federal level then comes down and hits you just like Dorothy's house came down and hit the witch and landed on her.  So what we're trying to do is to slow things down up there before they hit you, do some of the translation work so that you can see what's about to happen. While a lot of the stuff I'm going to be saying is negative because of the consequences, I want to please say and reinforce we should not be demonizing our government partners. They are not the wicked witch or flying monkeys. They are not evil. They are in fact good people who care about the communities that we jointly serve. Non-profits and governments are serving the same constituents in the same communities. We are in this together. That having been said, I normally attend meetings of the state charity officials and I have to listen to them say things about us sometimes and now I'm at a table or at the podium and Hugh is sitting out there and he has to take it from me now and I'm glad I'm here on your turf to speak the truth about you Hugh because I need to speak that truth and that truth is you all here in Hawaii are blessed to have one of the most informed, most caring state charity officials in the nation. Hugh does a tremendous job of setting the tone of his colleagues, some of whom will go overboard and forget that they're not there in the business of regulating charities in order to stamp us out but rather they're there as our partners to stop the bad people from doing bad acts and Hugh is constantly pulling the teller to help direct his colleagues nationwide to that truth and I've seen him in action at the national level. I've actually been able to do a review of the Hawaii Attorney General's Office when I was in running my center for leadership ethics and public service having served as the chief deputy AG and I first met him on that trip in 2001 and I've seen from the inside and outside what a terrific job Hugh does so thanks Hugh for your leadership. The United States already spends more than all the other that I think it's the eight or nine largest countries in the world combined on defense and now we're going to take 54 billion dollars away from domestic programs in order to further enhance defense spending. That is a proposal that is not law yet and you can have a say in that. Also a proposal for massive in infrastructure spending of over a trillion dollars building the border wall the estimates had been 15 to 20 they're now starting to come in at 50 to 70 billion dollars. Massive tax cuts lost revenue so many trillions of dollars untold in part because this is the skinny budget and hasn't been fully formed and as well as the the president's new tax outline which is a one page document with some large bullets and not a lot of details. People are not quite sure what all the damage will be in terms of lost revenues. My own personal bugaboo when talking about spending priorities is that the federal government is divided into defense spending and non defense spending. I won't call it what it is which is domestic instead it's non defense and the non defense discretionary means they have discretion on what they're going to do the non defense non discretionary would be things such as Medicare and Social Security but even those there are some threats against them so we all need to be careful when we see words such as non defense discretionary to understand they're talking about the programs that regular Americans depend upon. A survey from last late last year showed that two-thirds two-thirds of Americans could not tell you what the three branches of government are. Now when our civic education is so poor that we can't identify what the three branches of government are how is it we can expect people to understand these more advanced basic ideas such as the states receive on average 30.1% of all their revenue from the federal government. So as the federal government is cutting the budget by roughly 10% for domestic spending that's going to have major consequences on the states. The states right now more than half are in deficit mode they have about seven weeks to catch up by the end of the year their fiscal year of June 30th in order to balance their books. We also have more than half the states projecting deficits for next year and if the states right now are teetering and the federal government is going to be cutting some of their revenue streams that means that the states are going to be hurting even more. When the states start hurting on revenue they in turn stop their revenue share with their local governments be they counties or cities or towns or school districts and they in turn suffer. They then stop doing things and expect the lowest part of the food chain nonprofits and foundations to then fill the gap and our policymakers are not aware of this flow. So we've got to be working with them to educate them as well because these pains are huge. Another thing we need to be educating people are is where the revenue comes from for the nonprofit sector as a whole not individual nonprofits but very few people seem to be aware that nationwide the nonprofit sector earns 32.5% of its revenue from government contracts and grants. A third only 2% comes from foundations. Last Thursday there was a coordinated ruthless attack on the Johnson amendment. It was coordinated by the White House and by Congress. There was a committee hearing by two different subcommittees in the House that do not have jurisdiction over this. The bill is not in front of them but they did it anyway and brought forward people who were talking about the repeal of the Johnson amendment and a parade of horribles that they say is preventing church leaders from speaking out on issues of the day. Well as you just heard you can do all sorts of advocating and talk about whatever issues you want on the issues of the day without any limitations. The limitation is when you are actively engaging in supporting or opposing a candidate for public office. So that's the limit. And then in the White House the president signed an executive order that is confusing at best. The White House and others were talking about how this now changed the landscape and everyone can go out and the clergy can start preaching from the pulpit. While a lot of the people that we are talking with say I go to church in part to get away from nonpartisanship and I don't want to have my preacher tell me out of vote. And that's coming from a lot of people in the religious community where 99 different religious groups and denominations have signed a petition to Congress saying don't do this. There is not a single denomination that is pushing this agenda of politicizing nonprofits so the clergy can preach from the pulpit. They can already preach from the pulpit but they want to electioneer for against candidates from the pulpit. And so some are saying that this was a great change. Others have looked at the actual language and said this is a quote empty nothing burger that there's nothing there there and it doesn't change anything. And that is just a whole lot of fluff sort of like what the government's attorneys were arguing in the sanctuary city or sanctuary jurisdiction matter that in the end they were saying oh it's really just the president using his bully pulpit. We didn't mean to change anything. And the federal judge said I'm not buying it. I'm putting the argument in my order just showing how empty it is. And so the executive order could very well in fact it already has been challenged in court and others may be challenging the executive order on so-called religious freedom because it isn't a religious freedom issue. Again there are three conditions right now. Everyone in this room probably has a driver's license and you have entered into a deal with the government that if they give you this driver's license you will follow the rules of the road. You won't do excessive speeding. You won't run over pedestrians in some basics. Well and if you do any of those then the government's going to take your license away. For 501C3s we have been given this special treatment that we're not taxed and we can receive charitable contributions. But if we violate one of those three conditions then they can take that away. If a preacher wants to endorse candidates from the pulpit she or he is free to do so. Absolutely. They have a first amendment right but then they lose the special permission, the special treatment and they get to pay taxes just like everybody else and then they can't receive contributions just like anybody else. And so there's a give and take. So this is not about religious freedom or free speech. This is about trying to weaponize nonprofits and churches for a political party and to help politicians and paid political hacks and not really to help the community or nonprofits. The day after his keynote at Hanoi, Tim appeared at our ThinkTech studios for a talk show. He focused on a bill now pending in Congress that would repeal what has been known as the Johnson amendment to section 501C3 of the Internal Revenue Code. This bill is and should be of great concern to the nonprofit sector and the country. There are people in Congress I presume there are Republicans who are who would like to see this happen would like to take the Johnson amendment or 501C3 which would change the law as you and I have known it for our lifetime. Why? What is the self-interest? What is the motivation? What is their vision for the future on this? Why would they want to peel this off 501C3? What I have read and what I have heard is that there have been a couple of organizations that have been promoting this. Their funders want to do this. They see an advantage for particular political interest of theirs to have the freedom to go out and take all this additional action. Again, they already have the freedom to do it. They already have the liberty to do it. It's just that if they are violating those three conditions they are not to receive the special treatment of being tax exempt and getting the tax deductible contributions and so that's where the whole freedom discussion is elusive because they're styling it as though it's freedom of speech and freedom of religion. But it's not really. It's all window dressing and when you look inside you see it's not really there and the consequences could be horrific. I was presenting to the head of actually the board of a major U.S.-based foundation and the chair was talking about how this will change private philanthropy as we know it where this to pass. The foundations and 4,500 other nonprofits across the country have all signed a community letter that you, your nonprofit here, nonprofits that are listening across the country can sign at www.givevoice.org. Again, that's givevoice.org. Thanks to Hano and its president Lisa Maruyama for inviting Tim Delaney to visit Hawaii and for arranging this program and allowing us to attend. More recently we caught up with Lisa Maruyama to discuss Hano and nonprofits in Hawaii and the background and implications of Tim Delaney's visit and his remarks at the Hano event. Hano is a support organization for nonprofits in Hawaii. We provide training, professional development, capacity building services, convening opportunities, networking. We provide research and data on the nonprofit sector and we're the representative voice for and about the nonprofit sector to our partners in government, business and the media. Very important especially now when more falls on the nonprofits than before especially in this administration I have to say. Now you have a pretty good pretty close connection with the National Council of Nonprofits namely Tim Delaney. Can you talk about that? Right. Tim is the CEO of the National Council of Nonprofits. We're a member affiliate of the National Council. We're one of 37 state associations of nonprofits around the country. We also have other affiliate partners. I sit on the board of the National Council and so we really appreciate the relationship. They provide a lot of information and intelligence about what's going on inside the Beltway and they also have that bird's eye view of the country really all of the nonprofit communities and they connect us to each other. And you need to be connected. You need to have a national center on this don't you? Right absolutely. It's very important. And there's a lot of best practices going on in in nonprofit communities statewide and nationwide and we were able to share those best practices with each other via the National Council of Nonprofits. So you arranged the program back a few weeks ago I guess that was in May. There was a pretty big program here in Hawaii. A Hanoi program which you invited Tim Delaney. Can you talk about it? Right. It was our town hall and Tim was brought out to kind of do a rousing kind of a fomenting of the sector. We really wanted him to give us a practical update on federal budget cut changes. What the Trump budget might portend and the implications for nonprofits at our level statewide level in terms of potential cuts. But we also wanted him to help us connect some of the policy dots to understand the threats to a charitable deduction per perhaps as it's been considered in different federal legislative vehicles. But I think most importantly what was most interesting and alarming for people to hear from Tim on is the Johnson amendment and the threat or the threat to repeal it completely or even weaken it in some way. And the Johnson amendment actually was formed to provide nonprofit charitable organizations with the protection to basically be nonpartisan. And so Tim will talk you know talked at length about some of the threats if we lose the so-called Johnson amendment and what that would mean for for our missions. Want to know more about Tim Delaney and the activities and advocacy of the National Council of Nonprofits? Check it out at councilofnonprofits.org and now let's take a look at our Think Tech calendar of events going forward. There's so much happening in Hawaii. Sometimes things happen under the radar and we don't hear much about them. But Think Tech will take you there. Remember you can watch Think Tech on OC 16 several times every week to stay corner what's happening in government industry academia and communities around the islands and the world. Think Tech broadcasts its daily talk shows live on the internet from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. on weekdays. Then we broadcast our earlier shows all night long and on the weekends. If you missed a show or if you want to replay or share our shows, they're all archived on demand on thinktechawaii.com and YouTube. The audio is on thinktechawaii.com slash radio and we post all our shows as podcasts on iTunes. See our website for link. Visit thinktechawaii.com for our weekly calendar and live stream and YouTube links or sign up on our email list and get the daily docket of our upcoming shows. Think Tech is a high tech green first amendment studio at Pioneer Plaza. If you want to join our live audience or participate in our shows, write to think at thinktechawaii.com. Give us a thumbs up on YouTube or send us a tweet at thinktechhi. We'd like to know how you feel about the issues and events that affect our lives together in these islands. We want to stay in touch with you and we'd like you to stay in touch with us. Let's think together. While you're watching any of our shows, you can call in to<PHONE_NUMBER> and pose a question or make a comment. We'll be right back to wrap up this week's edition of Think Tech. But first, we want to thank our underwriters. That wraps up this week's edition of Think Tech. Remember, you can watch Think Tech on OC16 several times every week. Can't get enough of it just like Ryan does. For additional times, check out oc16.tv. For lots more Think Tech videos and for underwriting and sponsorship opportunities on Think Tech, visit thinktechawaii.com. Be a guest or a host, a producer or an intern and help us reach and have an impact on Hawaii. Thanks so much for being part of our Think Tech family and for supporting our open discussion of tech, energy, diversification and global awareness in Hawaii. And of course, the health and welfare of our nonprofit sector. You can watch this show throughout the week and tune in next Sunday evening for our next important weekly episode. I'm Jay Fidel. And I'm Raya Salter. Aloha everyone.


Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Do I got a great story for you today? What is up, everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul, where we talk about the problem, but focus on the solution. And if you're new to my channel, my channel is all about mental health, so make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. So, I am so happy. Like, I am starting a new playlist, and this, this video right here is the first video in my new playlist about hashtag Rewired Soldier success stories, all right?  A few weeks ago, myself and my beautiful girlfriend started a Facebook group called the Rewired Soldier Mental Health Support Group. So a lot of you asked me questions and all of that, and come to the support group, because I never want all of you to rely on me. There's a lot of things that I don't have experience with. I get busy, so this support group, which has over 200 members now, people can chat and talk, and we talk about problems and focus on the solutions and everything. So it is a private group and whatever set in that group stays in that group. So with this story I'm about to share with you. I actually asked her if she was okay with me sharing this if I left it anonymous and she was cool with it. So don't worry if you join the group. I'm not just gonna go around making videos on everything that goes on in there, but if there's something inspirational that I think might inspire others, you best believe I'm gonna ask you if I could talk about it. Anyways, if you're like, Chris, how do I join Facebook group? It's always in the description and I usually pin it in the comment too. So make sure that you go check it out, join, and answer the questions. We have like seven or eight people pending in there because they haven't answered the entry questions, okay? And for all of you who are like, but I don't use Facebook, make a fake account, make it for your dog or your cat or put some weird name, just make an account and join the Facebook group. Don't over complicate this thing, okay? Get the help and support you need. Quit being stubborn. All right, so anyways, the other day I saw this post. Now, I don't get to reply to all the posts. I don't even see all the posts because it's a pretty active group, but it's good because everybody supports each other. But I did happen to see this post and it says, I almost split with my husband of 12 years today. He had had enough of my quote unquote laziness as he put it. He feels like I'm not doing things to help our situation. I'm out of work and have been for a few months. I've become depressed and things were just getting harder and harder. He has been supportive of me and my mental health has been improving again these past couple of weeks and I've been much more active. But the thing is, it has got too much for him. And today he blew up and is seriously considering leaving me. This has been an issue in the past for us. There were times when I was out of work but I have just got my master's degree a year ago. I've worked two jobs in the past year in my field but my most recent was just a six month contract. I understand where he's coming from. This isn't just an issue from these past three months but I am absolutely devastated. I don't want to lose the progress with my mental health but I'm losing hope of everything. Please help. I don't know what to do about any of this. So how many of you can relate to that? I know I could. So like because I could relate to that I decided to reply. So my reply basically said this and I'm gonna kind of break it down a little bit. All right. So I said, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that. I've been out of work and depressed many times before. And yeah, that's because I have been a drug addict, alcoholic, lost a ton of jobs. I've had to have my girlfriends support me, friends support me, all those things, right? Like I've been through this. So I asked you, I said on a scale of one to 10 how much effort have you put into finding work in the last few months? I only asked this because typically the other person is more upset about the effort rather than the results but I may be wrong in your situation. So this is, this is what I do, right? And this is what I need people to do for me. So the reason I asked this is because from my experience I have been in this situation and I'm like, oh my God, like they're just, they're so mad at me. I can't control, I can't control whether or not, you know, people hire me or what kind of jobs are out there or this or this. Like, and I would just get really defensive. I would get into a pity party and it's just you're being mean to me, leave me alone, I'm struggling too, right? So I asked her, I was like on a scale of one to 10 how much effort have you put into this? Like something that I was taught a long time ago, I mentioned this in a video I think about anger management was that, you know, I was taught like whenever stuff like this is happening and disputes or arguments, especially with a significant other, it's like, what's my part in this? Do they have any reason to be upset with me, right? So then I said to her, if you're putting in the effort and he's upset, I'd apologize that he's stressed as well but you two will get through it together. It's important for him to remember that you have little control over the result but you do have control over the effort. If the effort is a struggle, let me know and I have some suggestions. So this is the thing, I didn't know what was going on completely so I wanted to make sure I touched on two things but some of you might be in this situation. And like I said, from my experience, from my experience, the other person is more upset about the effort and not the results and that's where I think a lot of people get messed up. A lot of people get messed up because I used to think that. I think I've mentioned it before. I thought my kid's mom hated me because of my drug addiction and alcohol addiction. No, she hated me because I was irresponsible. I was lazy. I never showed up on time. I would follow through. Like those were the reasons she didn't like me, right? So like I had to figure that out and work on those things and now we have an amazing relationship. So yeah, but if you are in this relationship and the other person is upset about that, like you just let them know, like, sorry, this is what I can and can't control, right? This is something we also have to tell ourselves because I get it, especially when you're in a relationship, like I just talked about me and Tristan having some stress in my last video about us moving and like something that we do to bring each other back down or even when I'm venting to her about YouTube and the algorithm and all that, it's like, what is in my control? What is not in my control? And the one thing, the one thing that we can control is our effort. We can't control results. We can barely control our mental health and our emotions. But if we can start working on focusing on how much of our effort we can control, you'll start to see that your life gets a whole lot easier. So she replied with a whole list of things, right? When I asked her about the effort, she gave me a whole list of things and here's something that I try to help people do when I'm talking with them and working with them because I have a brain that gets overwhelmed. It throws everything at me at once, like, oh, I gotta move soon. Oh, I got bills to pay. Oh, my son, oh, my girlfriend, okay. And it all wants to come together at once. And if you have anxiety like me and if you get overwhelmed like me, that is not a good situation. So we gotta start separating things, right? So she talked about something that she can't even do until she gets a job, right? But she also talked about going to the gym and focusing on her physical health and cleaning up the house. So what I suggested to her, and this is something I suggest to all of you too, if you can relate to this, is this. I said, like, cut this stuff down into segments, okay? So if you're unemployed, if you're unemployed, like, break this thing down. So I said, like, dedicate two hours to job hunting, two hours to cleaning the house, and two hours to working out, right? So like, this is also a neurological hack for anybody who struggles with depression. If you give yourself small, obtainable goals and you follow through with them, you will naturally start to feel better. Your brain shoots out dopamine every time you accomplish a goal. So if you set a schedule for yourself, so, okay, I'm gonna apply for jobs or look for jobs for this block of time, I'm gonna clean for this block of time, I'm gonna work out for this block of time, you're getting dopamine from each of those, okay? But anyways, anyways, I got the best message all day. Hi, Chris, I just wanted to message you to thank you. On Saturday I posted a quite for help to the Rewired Soul Group as my husband was ready to leave me. Your advice really helped me realize a few things. It's so weird because it made so much sense and for some reason I couldn't see it or the impact it was having on my husband's well-being. It was and still is, hard to come to terms with that, but it was the best thing that could have happened. I wrote a list of things I needed to make more of an effort in, applying for work, driving lessons, going to the gym, et cetera. And I wrote down what I was going to do to work on each of those things and I gave it to him. The things have been proved for us from thereafter, much talking these past five days. But I managed to get a job. Not in my field, but it's an income. I've been to the gym twice so far this week and we worked together to get the house organized. We're still working on some things, but we are finally starting to be clear, finally starting to clear the foggy mess we've been living in for too long. I just had to message you as I cannot thank you enough. So the first thing is I'm not making this video to say I have great advice. This is not me. This is all credit to her, okay? I give advice all day long and then you have a choice. Life is filled with choices. Whenever I make one of these videos, you have two choices, right? You can do what I suggest or you can take my suggestion and wipe your butt with it, right? So this isn't about me. I did nothing here except for just provide some suggestions. She did the work, okay? So that's important. When I help people, I look at the work that you're putting in. It doesn't have much to do with me. Like for example, that's just something I was taught when I started working on my own mental health. But anyways, one of the reasons I wanted to talk about this too is this is why therapy and support groups are the best thing for your mental health. When we are in a very emotional state, we don't see clearly and we often need other people with an outside perspective to say these things. And you know exactly what I'm talking about. You know exactly what I'm talking about.  But then somebody with an outside perspective says something and you take it a lot better than you would from somebody that close to you, right? So this is why you need to either A, start therapy, B, join the rewired soul Facebook group or C, do both of them, okay? Get outside opinions. So like I said, I left her anonymous in this thing but I am so, so, so proud and I wanna do this regularly. I wanna highlight rewired soldiers out there who are getting out of the problem into the solution. All right, so let me know down in the comments below. Do you have an issue getting offended like when some or defensive when somebody else like really close to you says something but you take that criticism or advice or whatever it is better from somebody else like a complete stranger. Let me know down in the comments because this is something that's always fascinated me. Before I let you go, I'll show my personal experience. If my mom or my sister says something to me, I take it way worse than if somebody else says it to me and that's something I had to work on a lot over the years. So let me know your experiences down below, all right? But anyways, be sure to join the Facebook group it's down in the description, all right? Don't forget to answer the questions, make a fake account on Facebook if you have to just so you can join our Facebook group, all right? All right, anyways, if you liked this video please give it a thumbs up if you're new make sure to subscribe and ring that notification bell because I make a ton of videos and a huge thank you to everybody supporting the channel over on Patreon, you're all amazing and I will be doing a Patreon Q and A very soon or answer your questions. So if you would like to be a part of that just click the top on that icon, sign up for as little as a buck a month, all right? Thanks again for watching, I'll see you next time.


Welcome to The Art of Charm. I'm Jordan Harbinger. The Art of Charm brings together the best coaches in the industry to teach you guys how to crush it in life, love, and at work. Imagine having a mix of experienced mentors teaching you their expertise, packing decades of research, testing, and tough lessons into a concise curriculum. We've created one of the premier men's lifestyle programs available anywhere, and it's free. This is the show we wish we had a decade ago. This show is about you, and we're here to help you become the best man you can be in every area of your life. Make sure to stay up to date with everything going on here and get some killer-free e-books as well as drills and exercises that'll help you become more charismatic and confident by signing up for the newsletter at TheArtOfCharm.com. If you're new to the show but you want to know more about what we teach here at The Art of Charm, listen to the toolbox at TheArtOfCharmPodcast.com. That's where you'll get the fundamentals of dating and attractions such as body language, eye contact, vocal tonality, all that stuff that's more important than you might think. We've got bootcamps running every single month here in California, details at TheArtOfCharm.com, and I'm looking forward to meeting all of you guys here at The Art of Charm. Enjoy. Today we've got a good one. We're talking to Tucker Maxx, best-selling author, who's sold millions of books. We're going to talk about why he actually retired from the party animal way of life. Some emotional pain in Tucker's childhood and growing up Tucker Maxx and what that was like. Emotional promiscuity and how it fills a hole in our psyche. The layers in Tucker's writing and how we see those over time and at different ages. Some parenting advice from Tucker Maxx of all people, and what happens to you is not your fault, but what you do with that afterwards is in your hands. And why emotional health is one of the most important things in any relationship, Tucker Maxx without further ado. I hadn't before a few days ago read your stuff since probably law school, and I actually met you in law school. I met you and Kung Fu Mike, and we got ridiculously inebriated at some shitty bar in Ann Arbor. And so I sort of had you freeze-framed as that person. Doing my homework for the show after talking with Ryan Holiday and Charlie Hone, I see something now much more interesting. So I want to dive into that, and hopefully that's cool. I mean, you've been the best-selling author, you've sold more than a million books, but now you've sort of retired from the party lifestyle.  How do you feel about that old persona even being up there? I mean, do you get like a gut reaction when you read that or are you still that person? I'm obviously not the person I was when I was 27. I mean, I'm 39 now.  I'll put it this way. If anyone is the same 12 years in a row, then that person's pretty sad, you know? Yeah, I would agree. If you don't change and grow and develop, something's wrong. You know, I'm no different. I would definitely agree with that. And of course, the show that we have here is all about growing up, our show grew up as well from going out there and getting chicks and then realizing that was, you know, an empty pursuit as well as that the people were teaching it were largely full of shit, to growing the whole man, which is kind of where we are now. And it seems like you're going along a similar path. I mean, in your last book, Hilarity Insues, you wrote that you're retiring from this type of writing.  And I mean, it's still kind of funny, but to look back on that type of thing, you've actually been doing big changes over the years. What is it that made you make the leap from boy to man other than, of course, the time elapsed in that process? Let's unpack a lot of the assumptions in that question. First off, time elapsing doesn't cause change. Exactly. Well, I know a lot of people actually who haven't changed really at all in their lives. They've gotten older and some things have changed around them, but they haven't really changed, right? So it has nothing to do with time. I don't really like to phrase it as transforming from boy to man, because I don't know to me that that marginalizes or puts down the stuff I've done and what I've accomplished, whether it's good or bad, but like it's not about that, dude. It's about like, okay, so for instance, when I retired from sort of writing fratire, the media, and I mean all media, whether it was Total Frat Move or Jezebel or everyone in between, having to post New York Times, whatever, they kind of didn't know what to make of it because what are the media narratives for something like this? Well, there's the main narrative which is, oh, he's reformed and changed, right? And I was like, no, my answer to that is I haven't reformed because what was deformed about me before? I rejected the reform notion because I didn't accept the implication that I needed to be reformed. I liked what I was doing when I was doing it, right? And were there problems with it and were parts of it maybe foolish, et cetera? Of course, that doesn't devalue what I was doing. The example I always use is kids play with dolls when they're eight, and of course they don't play with dolls when they're 18, but it doesn't mean that dolls are bad. It means dolls are part of a development process that makes sense for a certain age and a certain time. Now, when you're playing with dolls at 18 or 28, maybe that's when you have a problem, right? Uh-huh. Okay, so I think what I did in my 20s is what a lot of guys do, a lot of girls do, a lot of people do, and I think it's totally normal and I think in fact it's actually a good thing in certain ways. Now, did I take some things to extremes a little bit?  Yeah, probably, but whatever. That's how you learn. That's experience comes from bad decisions. Sure. You know? I mean that's how you make good decisions, right? You get experience and how you get experience. You make bad decisions. So in no way, shape or form, do I regret or do I think that I was a little boy? Of course I was immature at times.  So I don't know how much of that has changed. The transformation came for no other reason than I was no longer fulfilled by the things I was doing at that time in my life. There's nothing else. It wasn't about like, oh, I'm bad or I'm wrong or I'm deformed or I have to grow up or I have to do this. No, I would never do anything because I thought I had to. I do things because I want to because they make sense because of the right thing to do, because they're what I think I should be doing, you know, right or wrong. There was no moment dude. It was just sort of like at some point getting drunk five nights a week and picking up girls and being like a crazy 25 year old just wasn't fun anymore. And so it was like, okay, that was fun for a long time and now it's not fun. So let me go find something else that's fun, you know, or that's fulfilling. And so now that I'm 38, I found a whole new sort of spevy of things that are fulfilling that have little to do with what I used to do. But I think they're fantastic. And you know what, at 48, I'm probably going to have different things, you know, right? No more dolls, right? Well, I stopped playing with G.I. Joe's when I was about, I don't know, 11 or 12, you know, and then I moved on to like sports and then girls. And now I'm playing with startups, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. And we'll get into that for sure. I definitely want to talk about that. Now, looking back at sort of the past writing that you've done, I mean, a lot of people, especially when I talk with Ryan Holiday, he's even turned this around to your benefit, especially when the movie came out, that a lot of people are offended by it and it's labeled as misogynistic. And there's a lot of people that can't stand it. And there's a hell of a lot more people that love it. When you look at your writing as a whole, do you look at it as something that you needed to get out of me? I know that you wrote because it was hilarious and you wrote because people told you to and then you wrote because it was a business. It seems like whenever you're going out and doing something that eventually turns out to be to an extreme, there's obviously some sort of need that needs to be filled. Looking back on it now, do you feel like you were fulfilling a need that wasn't there? I mean, do you have like some childhood paradigm that wasn't working or that resulted in that behavior? What do you think about that? I mean, does that strike a chord? Because most people, even extreme party people that I know that I grew up with, they never took it to your level, which is one of the reasons why your writing is so epic. The last part of your question, I'm actually not quite sure. I agree. I'm sure, like, you know, what you said is factually true from your life. I'm just talking about, like, I actually don't think what made my writing epic was that the stories were so unusual because, dude, it honestly didn't even occur to me when I was writing these that the stories themselves were epic because this was what all my friends and I were doing. And I know a ton of people who do stuff exactly like I do.  Right. Actually under 10, 10 or under that are like, that's amazing. But I wrote three books, you know, so there's probably, I don't know, I'm going to make up a number, 80 stories in those three books. Most of them are like, oh, he got drunk and fell down. Yeah, I would agree with you.  A lot of them are pretty pedestrian.  Yes, that is really funny. That's why they became popular. There's sort of a new generation of party heroes that are emerging now on Twitter and Instagram.  They're mostly dudes.  That's way more epic in certain ways than I ever did. Right. But I don't want to say they're just taking pictures of it. I'm not trying to marginalize that, but they're just about the event. There's no sort of context or story. They're not creating anything out of the event. They're just recording an event. And so the only thing that they have is, oh, my event was this.  Right. That I think is a lot of how a lot of people look at me. You know, he just did crazy things and that's why he's awesome. But that's just not the case at all. There are a lot of people who hung out with me and they're like, yeah, like it was a good time. We had an amazing night, but like it's not something I would ever think about writing about. Like it's way less epic than I thought your life would be.  And it's all true, but it's like so much cooler to read about than I remember. And I was there, you know, that sort of happens a lot. Right. I think the first part of your question is totally separate. The first part is about like emotional changes in me. And like, have I recognized pain in myself that caused me to act a certain way in my 20s now? Maybe that I wasn't recognizing then. You're absolutely on point. I definitely have a linear path to that, but you essentially, yeah, exactly. You kind of nailed my next question or one of my next questions, which was, was there emotional pain in your childhood or wherever that caused you to go to such extremes, especially with women? I mean, what was growing up Tucker Max like? All right. So the short answer is yes, of course. Right? Because there's no sort of either extreme behavior or what I like to call behavioral promiscuity, not necessarily meaning sleeping around a lot. Right.  The point of that behavior is very rarely the actual object itself, but the behavior is used as a salve to either run from, avoid or minimize emotional pain. The best example, did you ever watch the show Intervention? I did. Yeah.   It's one of the best shows I think in the history of TV along with like the first 48 and if we're talking about like non-scripted shows, it is amazing. But I don't know if you noticed watching the show that every single show almost had the exact same pattern. Like you could have replaced the addiction of the person. Sometimes it was kind of cool.  You'd never put in your body. Right, right. So the details were always different.   The details were different. But the underlying patterns were always the same. This was the pattern. The person had some trauma, usually in the childhood, but not always, that was so awful and so difficult for them to deal with. And they had no either support system around them or willingness or ability to deal with the trauma head on or in a functional way. So they use some sort of addiction to avoid or run from or hide the pain. Yes. That's what addiction is. And like, we kind of had this idea that addiction is like a physical, biological, like a medical issue. Right.  Right. You wouldn't have any desire. Right. There's a reason that incessant, immersive talk therapy over an extended period of time, because all addiction is about emotional pain always in every way. And the physical component is usually the least important and easiest to deal with. Right.  Oh yeah. Charlie Hoenn for one. Right. Charlie used to be that one. Yeah. Charlie actually like, I don't want to call him my roommate because he doesn't pay any rent. The mooch that lives on my floor. Yeah. Well, no, I have a huge place. So I have like plenty of extra bedrooms. He like lives in my place. He was always supposed to be there for like a few weeks. I don't even know what's funny is he's such a good dude and he's so pleasant to be around. I honestly couldn't tell you how long he's been in my place. And Charlie, that changed a lot. But if you think of addiction as a way to hide from or run from or bury emotional trauma and emotional pain, then that's what it is. So circling back to the original question. There's no way I can understand that. And they're like, Oh no, I'm different.  So in my specific case, you know, we could spend a lifetime almost talking about the details of my issues. For the most part, probably not hard to figure out. Like I had a father who was never really there. My parents were divorced when I was a year and a half. And my father's very narcissistic, a very archetypical baby boomer. Mother is very much the same way. Except she's crazy in a lot of ways.  I mean it like kind of an unfun.  It's unfun. And so I grew up in a household where my parents weren't bad people. Like they never hit me. I always had plenty of food.  Because like there's a narrative that that's what abuses, right? Sure. And of course that is abuse. But there's a whole sea of abuse that is not physical, sexual, or fundamental human need based, you know. Like it's not the bottom of Maslow's pyramid. You can abuse on multiple layers above. And my parents, they weren't around a whole lot when I was a kid. They weren't critical, but they weren't super supportive. And they also weren't, they weren't very emotionally connected to me. But the reality is is because they weren't emotionally connected to themselves.  Yeah, right. Of course, yeah.  Hey guys, I want to take a quick break for a second here. You've heard me talk a lot about taking you to the next level in life, at work, and in your relationships. And you've also thought to yourself, yeah, I do want to up my game. I want to become a better man, a better boyfriend or husband, a better person in general. And my guess is that you've been thinking about this for a long time. Am I right? Well, I'm here to tell you this. Stop thinking. Your chance is now. Do you really need more time, more information, more plans for the future, or do you want to become that guy today?  And I want that for you. Why? Because you already got what it takes. The potential is there even if you don't know it yet. Join me and thousands of guys who've taken action in their lives at theartofcharm.com. All right, let's get back to the show.   Yeah.  Usually both sides of the relationship, right? Of course.  Yeah. You don't have the background. You don't have the emotional strength to deal with that because the infrastructure is not in place.  Exactly. That's the point of parents, actually.  You have to unconditionally love and support your kid. People say they do that.  I bet my mom would argue that she did that. Not only did she not do that, she did like the opposite of all of that. Parenting's not about you. It's about how much you love and connect with that kid, which doesn't mean you give them everything.  Giving too much, indulging and spoiling is also another form of abuse. The point is you need to love and accept and care for them unconditionally because they'll never get that anywhere else, ever. Even if they meet an amazing person, get married, whatever, it's not going to be unconditional. The only other place they're going to get that is a very parent and they're not getting it, they're giving it. It's a very unique relationship. And if you don't have that as a kid from your parents, at least one of them, but preferably both, depending on what the rest of your childhood was like and what your parents were like in other ways, it can create a lot of problems for you later on. And yeah, I think, you know, without going too far in the details, you can't take normal behavior to extreme without it being, in some form or another, a defense or a compensation for unresolved traumas and emotional issues, usually from your childhood, right?  It felt like my friend killed himself at 18.  Now, how aware were you of all this in the midst of the 20s thing?  I mean, is there some sort of point at which you started getting awareness? Are you in therapy now for this? Or when you were in your 20s, did you have no clue? I mean, where were you kind of on that spectrum? You know, it's one of those things where it's like, as a kid, like I'm talking about myself in my 20s. Sure. But I'm just saying, if you went back and read, I hope this would be in hell right now, and it would be shocked at how different it was to you. Because at 24, if you read my books, you're going to only take the top layer, maybe a little bit of the second layer. At 34, you're at least going to get the top two layers and probably most of the third layer.    The second layer is the sort of self-mocking sarcasm, tongue-in-cheek, a nod-in-a-wing type. The second layer requires cultural context that kids in their teens and 20s don't get, but everyone 28 and above usually gets some of my stuff. The third layer, it's much more subtle, and I think you have to be someone who went through this to get it, although I could be wrong. It's very much like, oh wow, this dude is in pain and knows he's in pain, and this is how he's resolving the pain, the extreme behavior, but either isn't ready or isn't willing to address that head-on.  So he's going to go keep doing that. There's maybe 10 places in Beer & Hell where you can see that come through crystal clear, but they're very short and they're very quick and they're very subtle, and you have to be in a place where you can see them, and I bet if you went back and looked at it now, you'd see them all clear as day. Yeah, there were a couple things that shine through that I remember even now that are not exactly on that vein, but very similar. There was one story, and I can't even believe I remember this, but I guess you were sleeping with this high-end escort like 2,000 bucks a night. I didn't know she was an escort. Oh, you didn't know? Okay. I know exactly what you're talking about.  Yeah, like I was like, I was the guy that like she was sort of dating, and I didn't know she was an escort, but yeah, go ahead.  And I remember getting sort of this flicker of like, well, if he recognizes that and he's self-aware enough to know that, then that must actually kind of perm a paradigm that you already had in your head about relationships that wouldn't necessarily normally be considered healthy. And that's where I started to get a glimpse of like, oh, he's not just like party rock. I'm such a great guy.  You started to get awareness of this and it started to shine through. But my question, looking back on that story 10 years ago, eight years ago, is how conscious was that? But the fact that you wrote it down in there kind of answers that question for me now, being a creator of material myself, you never accidentally throw something into it. That's meaningful. It's too hard. First off, I don't want to take credit like, oh, when I was 28, I wrote this in knowing I'd be mature later. Like here's the reality, is that when you create a piece of art, any creator, whether it's a painting or writing or whatever, a lot of stuff can end up in there that you don't consciously realize is going in as you're making it. I honestly think that's why my stuff is so appealing to a lot of people and why it's kind of defied description for a long time in a lot of ways is because first of all, of course, it's funny and it's like crazy, right? So that's the obvious explanation.  But I think the real emotional appeal for a lot of people is exactly what you just described.  Like he recognizes fully, at least on a deep level, a lot of the absurdities and pain and the other issues but like he is too young and too inexperienced to address him and so it's like you have this sort of like it looks like a comedy but in a way it behaves emotionally like a tragedy. Yeah. And you can only have that if the writing is very emotionally honest. I can go back and read my stuff now and I can be like, wow, like I can see what I'm saying and then be like, oh wow, I know what I was feeling then and I know it much clear but like I didn't put that in on purpose. Oh, I'm going to put it in this really subtle thing. Let's see if anyone picks it up or whatever. Like I'm not Melville or something. Right, now of course. It was just a function of me knowing that the only thing I had in my writing I had two things that made it work. Humor and honesty.  Yes. Especially the emotional truth. Like the truth of the events. Of course that's important but like when you're writing a story it's like, my God dude if I wrote the exact truth of everything that happened it would be 2,000 pages. It'd be like a forensic report.  No, I'm talking about the emotional truth and so I would always focus clear as day even before I understood what the full emotional truth was. What did I feel? No matter how hard it was to write it down I would put that in and so like that resonates with people even if they don't understand precisely why it resonates. It gives voice to things that people feel. I think there's a lot of people that have the same sort of issues as I do. My parents were selfish shits. They weren't bad people but they sucked as parents and everyone's specific stories are different and maybe I drink and hook up with girls or do this or do that as a way of dealing with that pain and it's not the best way but I don't know what else to do and it's also kind of fun and fucked up but here it is and so I kind of like presented that experience which a lot of people share in a way that resonated with those people. Yeah that makes sense and that's why people who read this who don't have those similar experiences aren't necessarily even just living vicariously through you sure some guys are but some guys are identifying with something they can't quite put their finger on. Yes with the emotional undercurrent you know like dude Ryan Holiday is a perfect example like he and I couldn't be more different like that dude like I'm literally not sure if possibly the only girl who's ever been within his life is his current fiance and if it's not her it's like maybe one or two other girls right and I don't say that as a put down I'm just saying like I don't know if he's had 10 drinks in his whole life like he hates going to parties whatever but he connected with my books on a deep level because he has parents who are shitty in the same way that mine are in a very similar way and he experiences a lot of the same emotions my stuff is very emotional if you actually dig into it and look at it that way it's actually very emotional and he's perfect example the fact that that kid who is 10 years younger than me and totally opposite of me in every way he resonated with my writing very highly Yeah exactly otherwise it would be impossible and you've sold over a million books they're just probably aren't enough guys doing similar things or wanting to do similar things that you were doing back then to sell that many books unless people could relate in a way that wasn't exactly just on the surface level there had to be deeper stuff there and people get that I know when I was reading it I wasn't thinking man I wish I did that and I certainly wasn't actually doing that stuff I liked it for a totally different set of reasons mostly now 2020 hindsight I didn't know what it was back then but you're super self aware which I think people really dig because everybody wants more of that Yeah in their own life no doubt there's a side note because I am still a little bit arrogant I've actually sold 3 million books Oh sorry about that so much for fucking Wikipedia Yeah but another good sort of proof of what you just said about half my fans are women Exactly it's going to bring that up that's a good point Right and you can chalk some of that up to you know girls connecting with bad boys whatever but the reality is the vast majority of my female fans don't want to sleep with me it's much more about they connect with the emotional truths underlying the book so it's not just a male thing it's a deep emotional truce it's a deep human truce that I sort of tap into and fit into a cultural context that connects with a lot of people men and women and no big surprise women are generally about a billion times more self aware than any guy and usually more emotionally intelligent too yeah Yeah exactly Now we talked a little bit before about kids and parents I mean do you plan on having kids is that something that's on your horizon Yeah of course that's awesome and so obviously the plan is differently than your parents did goes without saying what sort of steps are you taking you know there's all that psychologically I don't really know a lot about it but I'm sure that abused parents you know raised abused kids in the cycle perpetuates and that's that whole narrative I'm assuming that you're doing a lot to make sure that that doesn't happen You know what's funny is not really it's not like I'm reading all these fucking parenting books and all this shit No I'm actually not because of what I said earlier in the podcast is what you have to do to be a great parent is unconditionally love and accept your kid and that doesn't require a lot of skill or practice that's an emotional connection which a retarded human being can do Yeah No I mean seriously Yeah yeah If I need to read a book about how to love and connect then I'm not going to be able to love and connect I've got a lot of fucking work to do dude Sure You know that being said indirectly I have done a ton of work to make that happen and so but not in the context of being a parent Speaking like yourself generally Actually not very generally specifically I'll explain what I mean I don't know if you read the Forbes piece when Hilarion Seuss came out which is sort of like my final book Forbes is a huge profile of me the piece where I like kind of officially retired and I talked about why I was getting out of frat tire and stuff and in that piece I talked about how I had started a psychoanalysis which is like just a form of talk therapy and it's funny it's like all these people were like had all these issues and that was maybe I was six months in at that point I'm now three years in it's helped me immensely deal with the exact issues that we just got done talking about so here's the thing whatever your emotional issues are even if you had traditionally abusive appearance or you had some horrible thing happening in high school or whatever what happened to you isn't your fault but what happens afterwards what you do with that is up to you I was dealt with with certain hands some cards were good some cards were not good and it's like what I do with that hand is up to me and I decided that I wasn't going to be miserable I wasn't going to leave these traumas and these emotional issues unresolved in my life and so there's a lot of different ways you can deal with your trauma and you can deal with your pain you can deal with your problem so I'm not trying to say psychoanalysis is the only way it works really well for a certain type of person dealing with certain types of issues and it's been great for me it's helped my relationships it's helped me understand myself it's helped me understand why I do certain things it's helped me understand my unconscious and it's like okay I get it and so now I'm much better equipped to have sort of connected meaningful relationships with anybody but a cif cif a kid so to answer your question yes I actually have done a lot of work but none of it was worked about parenting all of it I do deal with my problems so that my problems don't go any further than me my problems are not going to go into my kid yes that's obviously what I was getting at with that as well because that's the greatest gift that you can give to your future children is to make sure that they're insulated from that sort of I would phrase it that the best gift I can give to my kids is unconditional acceptance and love I didn't really get and I wouldn't have been able to give them if I hadn't sort of changed that pattern but yeah like alright let's take a quick time out for a sec some people think the art of charm bootcamps and programs are just about picking up girls and honestly there's some of that one week with us and you'll be rocking out in that department I promise but as a guy I know how important it is to be awesome and well rounded and not just awesome with girls awesome at work awesome at home awesome with your friends and family guys really need to step it up everywhere and that's why we call our company the art of charm that special and trust me the results are real every day I get new emails and calls from the guys who decided to take our bootcamp and what I hear is simply amazing just weeks after graduating they line a promotion they form a new wolf pack start a new business or even find a partner they have a new life and it's not an accident find out why at theartofcharm.com alright let's get back to the good stuff I think I'm going to be in terms of functional parenting stuff I actually think I'm going to be a great parent I'm sort of a natural teacher I love doing it but I'm sure of course there'll be a little fuck little fuck up and you know I won't know how to change a diaper or whatever I mean that shit doesn't matter that's logistical shit man right right exactly anyone can do that like there are a lot of really stupid people who do that and so I figure I should be able to figure that out yeah look at the other types of people that raise kids and they turn out sometimes just fine I think you'll be okay right this is just not a function of intelligence they're just not the same thing and they're not even closely related in a lot of ways it sounds weird to say but they're just not so what I've done is just really focus on my emotional stuff they may have their own problem in fact I know everyone has problems they'll have their own problems and I'll make emotional mistakes but I'm going to make them on top of the bedrock of unconditional love and acceptance and so all those mistakes it'll be much easier if you're not there sure I mean that goes without saying it's absolutely spot on so speaking of kids I'm guessing that you want a partner to raise them with I was just hoping to grow them in a test tube in a bread machine or something laboratory yeah of course dude of course absolutely what are you looking for in a partner because it's it's almost funny to read the book in one day and then the next day talk about what Tucker Max what do you look for in a partner in a life partner what do I look for in a life partner I mean you have all these external accomplishments right a lot of that's not going to mean shit unless you are in a meaningful relationship do you agree with that yes and no I wouldn't phrase it like that I don't see the two things as interacting with each other in a lot of ways you know what I'm saying so like I get a lot of questions for advice from kids and whatever and the questions they ask the real questions that they want answered because they're not wise enough to know what the real questions are of course you have to sort of learn how to dig into their assumptions this is always one of those assumptions where people like what should I do with my life and should I focus more on this what about this girl whatever and then you have to kind of dig in the assumptions this is another one of those questions so the way I always phrase is I tell kids and the things you do that matter to other people right that's it nothing else matters and I don't think I figure that out until my early 30 you know and I don't think it really sunk in until 34 35 so very recent in my life did that really really imbue itself into not just my intellect but my emotional intelligence and stuff as a result if you understand those two things then I think kind of how you make decisions fundamentally changes right and I know it has for me I know in my early mid to late 20s and early 30s the decisions of my life were about accomplishments about exactly what you just said all these things I've done right and then as I realized as I did a bunch of things and I got all this money and I had all this status and whatever and I still wasn't happy I realized wow that shit's not going to make me happy like it's not like that stuff is irrelevant but it's just not it hasn't changed my emotional baseline hasn't solved them so obviously that shit doesn't really matter well what matters relationships and the things you do that matter to other people so it's like so from that point that's when I really focus on relationships and then I started thinking about exactly what the question you just asked what do I look for you know what am I looking for in women what am I looking for in whatever and you know what's funny dude is of course I do the same thing everyone does is like I've put together a list of what I want whatever and then I realized I was making the same mistake that every ridiculous teenage girl makes do you know what I'm talking about yeah I know exactly what you're talking about where it's like the girl's like oh I want a boyfriend who likes this music and blah blah blah and then wait she has a list of like 70 fucking things that she wants in a guy and you look at her and you're like fuck are you talking about there's no guy on earth who likes all these things A and B none of this shit matters but of course she's a 17 year old girl so you don't expect her to know anything at all all 17 year old girls are idiots right just like 17 year old guys sure sure and then I realized though I was doing the same thing I mean I didn't have a list about like oh you know what music she asked to like but it was the same fucking thing so I kind of changed around I'm like alright what is she like is a person what is she like what's her emotional maturity level et cetera et cetera and then I realized at about 33 34 I kind of got a really good picture in my head what a person is and the things that matter and then I realized fuck man this girl is an awesome awesome girl and I want to date her and maybe marry her and I would bet that she doesn't want me because first of all I had met a lot of girls like that in my life like the girl I had a picture I had a couple models in my head of girls models of what these girls were like because I met them and a couple of them I can remember like I'd probably dated a couple in my early 20s but I was nowhere near and then a couple of them were either my friends' wives or just amazing girls I met and all of them were like the look that they all gave me was like this guy is awesome and funny and smart and this and that but fuck he's a mess to deal with you know right and they were kind of right at least at that point in my life and so I realized you know what if I want the awesome woman that I'm envisioning in my head then I need to be the awesome guy that she wants to be with here's the thing Jordan I had all the external awesome things right like if you were looking at me three years ago externally I was one of the most eligible bachelors in a fucking America but the external shit kind of doesn't matter if it's not matched up with the emotional intelligence that allows you to have a really connected healthy relationship and I didn't quite have that at that point in my life so that's another thing that Alice has helped me with understand what was I missing how could I sort of fix myself so I would have that and put myself in the position to win I met one of these amazing girls because there aren't a lot of them but they exist and when I met them would I be at the point I was already in their league but was I at the emotional point in my life where I could have a good relationship with them there's no girl I'm meeting that's out of my league right the question is not is she in my league am I emotionally mature enough to have a relationship with a woman because the one I had in vision in my mind is very emotionally mature so I had to like put myself in that position and then I did it was the irony I'm actually sitting I'm in a hotel room in Philadelphia right now going to a conference but my girlfriend's with me I'm actually sitting on the bed next to her right now like I have kind of made these changes and then they were almost all internal almost all emotional things almost all having to do with how I connected with people and how I had relationships because it's not like it was terrible just wasn't fully functional I had issues with having healthy relationships I don't want to say I fixed them but I at least recognized them and I began to work on them and then I met a girl who was amazing dude even maybe six months before I met her I could almost hear the conversation on my head she'd be like this guy's great and he's amazing but like I don't know if he's dateable you know yeah right exactly like and don't get me wrong we've had moments that were like very difficult for us in terms of like emotionally or whatever but it's like we have an emotionally mature foundation where we can work through our differences and work through our issues and I've I've had to learn how to be a boyfriend I've had to learn how to have relationships I mean I've God knows 80% of this relationship I didn't know how to have before we had it but I was at least in the position where I could recognize what she was doing wrong and then recognize maybe sort of a path to fix them obviously she's pretty patient and she's pretty mature too we work through them together and you know she had issues of her own too but she's a woman so she's going to be more emotionally mature than me sure unless I find a girl's 22 or something I don't recommend that yeah no no no we were almost on the exact same level emotional maturity wise and so we kind of like grew into this together and it was a very good situation and for her I made myself into the man that I needed to be to get an amazing woman and to date an amazing woman and I did you know I appreciate this because it's basically the entire premise of the art of charm is to help create that whole man because you need to become the type of man to get the type of woman that you want not change into some false bozo who can trick a mediocre quality girl into bed but even if you do look dude no one fucked more girls than me I don't mean that literally I'm sure you could find 10 or 20 or even 100 or 1000 guys who did but the point is like whatever your number is I'm in your fucking league you know I may be at the end of the bench but I'm on the team right and so like with absolute authority I can sit here and tell you that that shit I'm glad I did it and it's fucking awesome and I'm not going to sit here and say don't ever hook up with a bunch of girls if you want to bullshit it's fucking fun but at the same time I don't know any guys who do that for a long amount of time or for their whole life and are happy of course not and it's something you obviously need to go through to get to the point at which you realize that you didn't need to do it anymore well it's not need there was a need component I don't want to lie to myself about that at least what I was doing it was more want I think we're saying the same thing which is if you want to do that especially for a while that's totally fine and it can be fun and it can be rewarding and in fact it can even be the path to happiness but it's usually not the end goal it's not the finish line for at least for anyone that I've ever met who's emotionally healthy and happy the finish line is not five girls a week sure it makes a lot of sense it's such a I brought the fresh air because of course people kept telling me over a long period of time to get you on the show I just didn't want to tell dirty stories you know over and over as funny as they might be I love this I love what we created I think it's awesome and I appreciate the vulnerability and the openness the authenticity I should say yeah there's no other way for me to be dude I might be wrong but I'm always going to be honest and I'm always going to be who I am at least at that moment you know I appreciate it man this is a great show I wanted to originally get into like investing in startups and all that stuff but I think we can maybe save it for another show I know you've got a book coming out that's going to be about dating or something like that the book is not coming until 2015 but we're doing sort of very much like a whole content information ecosystem not just a book so the book is going to be called Mate it's by me and Jeffrey Miller who wrote The Mating Mind and spent and then we're doing a website associated with it it's called The Mating Grounds TheMatingGround.com it's actually going to cover very much a lot of the same things we talked about I don't know how deep because it's really geared toward like 15 to 25 year olds and it's going to be kind of like the basics like a basic guide to sex and dating for guys I don't think it's going to be the same sort of stuff that we talked about here this feels to me more like this is what you would you say to men you know not younger guys but it's going to cover a lot of the same basic general ideas hey you want to do well with women you want to understand yourself you want to get your shit together here's the way to do it so the approach we're going to take is going to be very systematic and very sort of scientific and very sort of evidence based and very spelled out sure yeah you got to spoon feed most men myself included let alone a 15 year old version of me 15 definitely Jordan imagine if you could take everything that you know now about sex and dating women and put it into like a pamphlet because it's got to be a pamphlet for a 15 year old of course imagine you could put it into like a pamphlet for a 15 year old version of you what would that book be worth yeah of course I mean that's that's priceless knowledge that I'd want to give to any kid exactly a book that older guys would give to younger guys that could actual wisdom and experience and knowledge that can actually help them stripped away of all the ideological agenda sort of manipulative bullshit that's out there you know yeah free from other writers emotional bullshit and like crappy stereotypes and bad experiences taking it let me know when you want to start to promo that and you know throw me on the list dude I'll definitely I'll definitely do that and definitely appreciate the time dude of course man thank you anytime brother take care Tucker alright alright show feedback and guest suggestions we rely on you guys to help keep our finger on the pulse so if you know someone who's a good fit for the show let us know at 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