11. Invitations, Acceptances, and Regrets. The formal invitation. As an inheritance from the days when Mrs. Brown presented her compliments and begged that Mrs. Smith would do her the honor to take a dish of tea with her, we still, notwithstanding the present flagrant disregard of old-fashioned convention, send our formal invitations, acceptances, and regrets in the prescribed punctiliousness of the third person. All formal invitations, whether they are to be engraved or to be written by hand, and their acceptances and regrets, are invariably in the third person, and good usage permits for no deviation from this form. Wedding invitations. The invitation to the ceremony is engraved on the front sheet of white note paper. The smartest at present is that with a raised margin or plate mark. At the top of the sheet, the crest, if the family of the bride has the right to use one, is embossed without color, otherwise the invitation bears no device. The engraving may be in script, block, shaded block, or old English. The invitation to the ceremony should always request the honor of your presence and never the pleasure of your company. Honor is spelled in the old-fashioned way with a U instead of honor. Enclosed in two envelopes. Two envelopes are never used except for wedding invitations or announcements. But wedding invitations and all accompanying cards are always enclosed first in an inner envelope that has no mucilage on the flap, and is superscribed Mr. and Mrs. Jameson Great Lake without a dress. This is enclosed in an outer envelope which is sealed and addressed, Mr. and Mrs. Jameson Great Lake, 24 Michigan Avenue, Chicago. To those who are only asked to the church, know how this invitation is enclosed. The proper form for an invitation to a church ceremony is form number one. Mr. and Mrs. John Huntington-Smith requests the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter, Mary Catherine II, Mr. James Smarlington on Tuesday the 1st of November at 12 o'clock at St. John's Church in the city of New York. Invitation number two. Mr. and Mrs. John Huntington-Smith requests the honor of Ms. Pauline Towns presence at the marriage of their daughter, Mary Catherine II, Mr. James Smarlington on Tuesday the 1st of November at 12 o'clock at St. John's Church. The size of the invitation is five and one-eighths inch wide by five and three-eighths inch deep. When the parents issue the invitations for a wedding at a house other than their own, Mr. and Mrs. Richard Littlehouse requests the honor of blank presence at the marriage of their daughter, Betty, to Mr. Frederick Robinson on Saturday the 5th of November at four o'clock at the house of Mr. and Mrs. Sterlington Tuxedo Park, New York, RSVP. No variation is permissible in the form of wedding invitation. Whether 50 guests are to be invited or 5,000, the paper, the engraving and the wording and the double envelope are precisely the same. Church card of admittance. In cities or wherever the general public is not to be admitted, a card about the size of a small visiting card is enclosed with the church invitation. Please present this card at St. John's Church on Tuesday the 1st of November. Cards to reserved pews. To the family and very intimate friends who are to be seated in especially designated pews, please present this to an usher, pew number blank, on Tuesday the 9th of May. Engraved pew cards are ordered only for very big weddings where 20 or more pews are to be reserved. The more usual custom at all small and many big weddings is for the mother of the bride and the mother of the bridegroom each to write on her personal visiting card. Pew number seven, Mrs. John Huntington Smith, 4 West 36th Street. A card for the reserved enclosure but no special pew is often inscribed within the ribbons. Invitation to the house. The invitation to the breakfast or reception following the church ceremony is engraved on a card to match the paper of the church invitation and is the size of the ladder after it is folded in the envelope. Mr. and Mrs. John Huntington Smith requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. James Great Lakes Company on Tuesday the 1st of November at half after four o'clock at 4 West 36th Street, RSVP. Ceremony and reception in one. Occasionally, especially for a country wedding, the invitation to the breakfast or the reception is added to the one to the ceremony. Mr. and Mrs. Alexander Chatterton requests the honor of Mr. and Mrs. Worldly's presence at the marriage of their daughter, Hester, to Mr. James Town Jr. on Tuesday the 1st of June at 3 o'clock at St. John's Church and afterwards at Sunny Lawn Ridgefield, RSVP, or the invitation reads at 12 o'clock at St. John's Church and afterwards at breakfast at Sunny Lawn. But afterwards to the reception at Sunny Lawn is wrong. The invitation to a house wedding is precisely the same except that at Sunny Lawn or at West 36th Street is put in place of at St. John's Church and an invitation to stay on at the house to which the guest is already invited is not necessary. The train card. If the wedding is to be in the country, a train card is enclosed. A special train will leave Grand Central Station at 12.45 p.m. arriving at Ridgefield at 2.45. Returning, train will leave Ridgefield at 5.10 p.m. arriving New York at 7.02 p.m. Show this card at the gate. Invitation to reception and not to ceremony. It sometimes happens that the bride prefers none but her family at the ceremony and a big reception. This plan is chosen where the mother of the bride or other very near relative is an invalid. The ceremony may take place at a bedside or it may be that the invalid can go down to the drawing room with only the immediate families and is unequal to the presence of many people. Under these circumstances, the invitations to the breakfast or reception are sent on sheets of note paper like that used for church invitations but the wording is Mr. and Mrs. Grantham Jones request the pleasure of your company at the wedding breakfast of their daughter Muriel and Mr. Burlingame Ross Jr. on Saturday the 1st of November at 1 o'clock at East 36th Street. The favor of an answer is requested. The pleasure of your company is requested in this case instead of the honor of your presence. The written wedding invitation. If a wedding is to be so small that no invitations are engraved, the notes of invitation should be personally written by the bride. Sally dear, our wedding is to be on Thursday the 10th at half past 12 Christ Church Chantry. Of course we want you and Jack and the children and we want all of you to come afterwards to Aunt Mary's for a bite to eat and to wish us luck. Affectionately, Helen. Or Dear Mrs. Kindhard, Dick and I are to be married at Christ Church Chantry at noon on Thursday the 10th. We both want you and Mr. Kindhard to come to the church and afterward for a very small breakfast at my aunt's Mrs. Slade at Two Park Avenue with much love from us both. Affectionately, Helen. Wedding announcements. If no general invitations were issued to the church, an announcement engraved on a note paper like that of the invitation to the ceremony is sent to the entire inviting list of both the bride and the groom's family. Mr. and Mrs. Maynard Baines have the honor to announce the marriage of their daughter, Priscilla, to Mr. Eben Hoyt Leeming on Tuesday the 26th of April, 1922 in the city of New York. The second marriage. Invitations. Invitations to the marriage of widow if she is very young are sent in the name of her parents exactly as were the invitations to her first wedding, accepting that her name instead of being merely Priscilla is now written Priscilla Barnes Leeming thus. Mr. and Mrs. Maynard Baines request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter, Priscilla Barnes Leeming, to etc. Announcements. For a young widow's marriage are also the same as for first wedding. Mr. and Mrs. Maynard Baines have the honor to announce the marriage of their daughter, Priscilla Barnes Leeming, to Mr. Worthington Adams, etc. But the announcement of the marriage of widow of a mature years is engraved on note paper and reads. Mrs. Priscilla Barnes Leeming and Mr. Worthington Adams have the honor to announce their marriage on Monday the 2nd of November at Saratoga Springs, New York. Cards of Address. If the bride and groom wish to inform their friends of their future address, especially in cities not covered by the social register, it is customary to enclose a card with the announcement. Mr. and Mrs. Worthington Adams will be at home after the 1st of December at 25 Aldernay Place or merely their visiting card with their new address in the lower right corner. Mr. and Mrs. Worthington Adams 25 Aldernay Place invitation to a wedding anniversary. For a wedding anniversary celebration, the year of the wedding in the present year are usually stamped across the top of an invitation. Sometimes the couple's initials are added. 1898 to 1922 Mr. and Mrs. Alvin Johnson request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Normans company at the 25th anniversary of their marriage on Wednesday the 1st of June at 9 o'clock 24 Austin Avenue RSVP answering wedding invitation. An invitation to the church only requires no answer whatsoever. An invitation to the reception or breakfast is answered on the first page of a sheet of note paper and though it is written by hand, the spacing of the words must be followed as though they were engraved. This is the form of acceptance. Mr. and Mrs. Robert Gilding Jr. accept with pleasure. Mr. and Mrs. John Huntington Smith's kind invitation for Tuesday the 1st of June. The regret reads Mr. and Mrs. Richard Brown regret that they are unable to accept Mr. and Mrs. John Huntington Smith's kind invitation for Tuesday the 1st of June. Other formal invitations. All other formal invitations are engraved never printed on cards of thin white matte Bristol board either plain or plate marked like those for wedding reception cards. Note paper such as that used for wedding invitations is occasionally but rarely preferred. Monograms, addresses, personal devices are not used on engraved invitations. The size of the card of invitation varies with personal preference from four and a half to six inches in width and from three to four and a half inches in height. The most graceful proportion is three units in height to a foreign width. The lettering is a matter of personal choice, but the planer the design the better. Scrolls and ornate trimmings are bad taste always. Punctuation is used only after each letter of the RSVP and is absolutely correct to use small letters for the SVP. Capitals RSVP are permissible but fastidious people prefer RSVP. Invitation to a ball. The word ball is never used accepting an invitation to a public one or at least a semi-public one such as maybe given by a committee for a charity or a club or an association of some sort. For example, the committee of the Greenwood Club request the pleasure of your company at a ball to be held in the Greenwood Club house on the evening of November the 7th at 10 o'clock for the benefit of the neighborhood hospital. Tickets five dollars. Invitations to a private ball no matter whether the ball is to be given in a private house or whether the hostess has engaged an entire floor of the biggest hotel in the world merely announced that Mr. and Mrs. Somebody will be at home and the word dancing is added almost as though it were an afterthought in the lower left corner. The words at home being slightly larger than those of the rest of the invitation. When both at and home are written with a capital letter this is the most punctilious and formal invitation that it is possible to send. It is engraved in script usually on a card of white Bristol board about five and a half inches wide and three and three quarters of an inch high like the wedding invitation it has an embossed crest without color or nothing. The precise form is Mr. and Mrs. Tithington De Paster at home on Monday the 3rd of January at 10 o'clock one east 50th street the favor of a response is requested dancing or Mr. and Mrs. Davis Jefferson at home on Monday the 3rd of January at 10 o'clock town and country club kindly send reply to three Mount Vernon Square dancing if preferred the above invitations may be engraved in block or shaded block type ball for debutante daughter very occasionally an invitation is worded Mr. and Mrs. Davis Jefferson Ms. Alice Jefferson at home if the daughter is a debutante in the ball is for her but it is not strictly correct to have any names but those of the host and his wife above the words at home the proper form of invitation when the ball is to be given for a debutante is as follows Mr. and Mrs. De Paster request the pleasure of Ms. Rosalie Grace company at the dance in honor of their daughter Ms. Alice De Paster on Monday evening the 3rd of January at 10 o'clock one east 50th street RSVP or Mr. and Mrs. Tithington De Paster Ms. Alice De Paster request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Great Lakes company on Monday evening the 3rd of January at 10 o'clock one east 50th street dancing RSVP the form most often used by fashionable hostesses in New York and Newport is Mr. and Mrs. Gilding request the pleasure of blank company at a small dance on Monday the 1st of January at Ott Ott Fifth Avenue even if given for a debutante daughter her name does not appear and it is called a small dance whether it is really small or big the request for a reply is often omitted since everyone is supposed to know that an answer is necessary but if the dance or dinner or whatever the entertainment is to be is given at one address and the hostess lives at another both addresses are always given Mr. and Mrs. Sydney old name request the pleasure of blank company at a dance on Monday evening the 6th of January at 10 o'clock the Fitz cherry kindly send response to Brooke committos lj if the dance is given for a young friend who is not a relative Mr. and Mrs. old names invitations should request the pleasure of blank company at a dance in honor of Miss Rosalie Gray when and how one may ask for an invitation for a stranger one may never ask for an invitation for oneself anywhere and one may not ask for an invitation to a luncheon or a dinner for a stranger but an invitation for any general entertainment may be asked for a stranger especially for house guests example dear Mrs. worldly a young cousin of mine David Blakely from Chicago staying with us may Pauline take him to your dance on Friday if it will be inconvenient for you to include him please do not hesitate to say so frankly very sincerely yours Carolyn Robinson town answer dear Mrs. town I shall be delighted to have Pauline bring Mr. Blakely on the 10th sincerely yours Edith worldly or a man may write for an invitation for a friend but a very young girl should not ask for an invitation for a man or anyone since it is more fitting that her mother ask for her an older girl might say to Mrs. worldly my cousin is staying with us may I bring him to your dance or if she knows Mrs. worldly very well she might send a message by telephone Miss town would like to know whether she may bring her cousin Mr. Michigan to Mrs. worldly's dance card of general invitation invitations to important entertainments are nearly always especially engraved so that nothing is written except the name of the person invited but for the hostess to entertains constantly a card which is engraved in blank so that it may serve for dinner luncheon dance garden party musical or whatever she may care to give is indispensable the spacing of the model shown below the proportion of the words and the size of the card are especially good Mrs. Stevens request the pleasure of blank company at blank on blank at blank o'clock to elm place the dinner invitation the blank which may be used only for dinner Mr. and Mrs. Huntington Jones request the pleasure of blank company at dinner on blank at eight o'clock two thousand fifth avenue invitations to receptions and teas invitations to receptions and teas differ from invitations to balls in that the cards on which they are engraved are usually somewhat smaller the words at home with capital letters are changed to will be at home with small letters and the time is not set at the hour also except on very unusual occasions man's name does not appear the name of the debutante for whom the tea is given is put under that of her mother and sometimes under that of her sister or the bride of her brother mrs james town mrs james town jr mrs pauline town will be at home on tuesday the eighth of december from four until six o'clock two thousand fifth avenue mr town's name will probably appear with that of his wife if you were an artist and the reception was given in his studio to view his pictures or if a reception were given to meet a distinguished guest such as a bishop or governor in which case in the honor of the right reverend william paul or to meet his excellency the governor is at the top of the invitation the formal invitation which is written when the formal invitation to dinner or lunch is written instead of engraved the note paper stamped with the house or personal device is used the wording and spacing must follow the engraved models exactly 350 park avenue mr and mrs john tenthouse requests the pleasure of mr and mrs robert gilding juniors company at dinner on tuesday the sixth of december at eight o'clock it must not be written 350 park avenue mr and mrs jane tenthouse requests the pleasure of mr and mrs james towns company at dinner on tuesday the foregoing example has four faults one letters in the third person must follow the prescribed form this does not two the writing is crowded against the margin three the telephone number should be used only for business and informal notes and letters four the full name john should be used instead of the initial j mr and mrs is better than mr ampersand mrs recalling an invitation if for illness or for other reason invitations have to be recalled the following forms are correct they are always printed instead of engraved there being no time for engraving owing to sudden illness mr and mrs john huntington smith are obliged to recall their invitations for tuesday the tenth of june the form used when the invitation is postponed mr and mrs john huntington smith regret exceedingly that owing to the illness of mrs smith their dance is temporarily postponed when a wedding is broken off after the invitations have been issued mr and mrs benjamin nottingham announced that the marriage of their daughter mary catherine and mr jerald atherton will not take place formal acceptance or regret acceptances or regrets are always written an engraved form to be filled in his vulgar nothing could be in worse taste than to flaunt your popularity by announcing that it is impossible to answer your numerous invitations without the time-saving device of a printed blank if you have a dozen or more invitations day if you have a hundred hire a staff of secretaries if need be but answer by hand the formal acceptance to an invitation whether it is to a dance wedding breakfast or a ball is identical mr and mrs donald lovejoy accept with pleasure mr and mrs smith's kind invitation for dinner on monday the 10th of december at eight o'clock the formula for regret mr club window regrets extremely that a previous engagement prevents his accepting mr and mrs smith's kind invitation for dinner on monday the 10th of december or mr and mrs timothy carrey regret that they are unable to accept mr and mrs smith's kind invitation for dinner on monday the 10th of december in accepting invitation the day and hour must be repeated so that in case of a mistake it may be rectified and prevent one from arriving on a day when one is not expected but in declining an invitation it is not necessary to repeat the hour visiting card invitations with the exception of invitations to house parties dinners and luncheons the writing of notes is passed for an informal dance musical picnic or for a tea to meet a guest or for bridge a lady uses her ordinary visiting card to meet mrs millison gifting mrs john kind heart tuesday january 7th dancing at 10 o'clock 250 park avenue or wednesday january 8th bridge at four o'clock mrs john kind heart rs vp 350 park avenue answers to invitations written on visiting cards are always formally worded in the third person precisely as though the invitation had been engraved invitations in the second person the informal dinner and luncheon invitation is not spaced according to set words on each line but is written merely in two paragraphs example dear mrs smith will you and mr smith done with us on thursday the 7th of january 8 o'clock hoping so much for the pleasure of seeing you very sincerely caroline robinson town the informal note of acceptance or regret dear mrs town it will give us much pleasure to dine with you on thursday the 7th at 8 o'clock thanking you for your kind thought of us sincerely yours margaret smith wednesday or dear mrs town my husband and i will dine with you on thursday the 7th at 8 o'clock with greatest pleasure thanking you so much for thinking of us always sincerely margaret smith or dear mrs town we are so sorry that we shall be unable to dine with you on the 7th as we have a previous engagement with many thanks for your kindness and thinking of us very sincerely ethyl mormon invitation to a country house to an intimate friend dear sally will you and jack and the baby and nurse of course come out the 28th friday and stay for 10 days morning and evening trains take only 40 minutes and it won't hurt jack to commute for the week weekdays between the two sundays i am sure the country will do you and the baby good or at least it will do me good to have you here with much love affectionately ethyl mormon to the friend of one's daughter dear mary will you and jim come on friday the first for the worldly dance and stay over sunday muriel asks me to tell you that helen and dick and also jimmy smith are to be here and she particularly hopes that you will come too the 320 from new york is the best train much though there is a 420 and a 516 in case jim is not able to take the earlier one very sincerely alice jones confirming a verbal invitation dear helen this note is merely to remind you that you and dick are coming here for the worldly dance on the sixth mother is expecting you on the 320 train and will meet you here at the station affectionately muriel invitation to a house party at camp do you miss strange will you come up here on the 6th of september and stay until the 16th it would give us all the greatest pleasure there is a train leaving broadway station 803 a.m which will get you to dustville junction at 5 p.m and here in time for supper it is only fair to warn you that the camp is very primitive we have no luxuries but we can make you fairly comfortable if you like an outdoor life and are not too exacting please do not bring a maid or any clothes that the woods or weather can ruin you will need nothing but outdoor things walking boots if you care to walk a bathing suit if you care to swim in the lake and something comfortable rather than smart for evening if you care to dress for supper but on no account bring evening or any good clothes hoping so much that camping appeals to you and that we shall see you on the evening of the 6th very sincerely yours martha kindheart the invitation by telephone custom which has altered many ways and manners has taken away all a berberium for the message by telephone and with the exception of those very small minority of letter loving hostesses all informal invitations are sent and answered by telephone such messages however follow prescribed form is this linux zero zero zero will you please ask mr and mrs smith if they will dine at mr scrantham jones next tuesday the 10th at eight o'clock mrs jones telephone number is plaza one two ring two the answer mr and mrs huntington smith regret that they will be unable to dine with mrs jones on tuesday the 10th as they are engaged for that evening or will you please tell mrs jones that mr and mrs huntington smith are very sorry that they will be unable to dine with her next tuesday and thank her for asking them or please tell mrs jones that mr and mrs huntington smith will dine with her on tuesday the 10th with pleasure the formula is the same whether the invitation is to dine or lunch or to play bridge or tennis or golf or motor or go on a picnic will mrs smith play bridge with mrs grantham jones this afternoon at the country club at four o'clock hold for the wire please mrs jones will play bridge with pleasure at four o'clock in many houses especially where there are several grown sons or daughters a blank form is kept in the pantry will blank with m blank on blank the blank at blank o'clock blank telephone number accept regret these slips are taken to whichever member of the family has been invited who crosses off regret or accept and hands the slip back for transmission to the butler the parlor main or whoever is on duty in the pantry if mr smith and mrs jones are themselves telephoning there is no long conversation but merely mrs jones is that you mrs smith or sarah this is mrs jones or alice will you or your husband or john dine with us tomorrow at eight o'clock mrs smith i'm so sorry we can't we are dining with mabel or we have people coming here invitations to house party are often is not telephoned hello ethyl this is alice will you and arthur come on the 16th for over sunday the 16th that's friday we'd love to will you take the 320 train etc end of chapter 11 chapter 12 part one of etiquette this is a libri box recording all libri box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libri box dot org recording by rachel ellen etiquette in society in business in politics and at home by emily post chapter 12 the well appointed house part one every house has an outward appearance to be made as presentable as possible an interior continually to be set in order and incessantly to be cleaned and for those that well within it there are meals to be prepared and served linen to be laundered and mended personal garments to be brushed and pressed and perhaps children to be cared for there is also a doorbell to be answered in which manners as well as appearance come into play beyond these fundamental necessities luxuries can be added indefinitely such as splendor of architecture of gardening and of furnishing with every refinement of service that executive ability can produce with all this genuine splendor possible only to the greatest establishments a little house can no more compete than a diamond weighing but half a carrot can compete with a stone weighing fifty times as much and this is a good simile because the perfect little house may be represented by a corner cut from precisely the same stone and differing therefore merely in size and value naturally whereas the house in bad taste and improperly run may be represented by a diamond that is off color and full of flaws or in some instances merely a piece of glass that to none but those as ignorant as its owner for a moment suggests a gem of value a gem of a house may be no size at all but its lines are honest and its painting and window curtains in good taste as for its upkeep its path or sidewalk is beautifully neat steps scrubbed brasses polished and its bell answered promptly by a trim made with a low voice and quiet courteous manner all of which contributes to the impression of quality even though it in nothing suggests the luxury of a palace whose opened bronze door reveals a row of powdered footmen but the mansion of bastard architecture and crude paint with its brass indifferently clean with coarse lace behind the plate glass of its golden oak door and the bell answered at eleven in the morning by a butler in an ill-fitting dress suit and wearing a moustache might as well be placarded here lives a vulgarian who has never had an opportunity to acquire cultivation as a matter of fact the knowledge of how to make a house distinguished both in appearance and in service is a much higher test than presenting a distinguished appearance in oneself and acquiring presentable manners there are any number of people who dress well and in every way appear well but a lack of breeding is apparent as soon as you go into their houses their servants have not good manners they are not properly turned out the service is not well done and the decorations and furnishings show lack of taste and inviting arrangement the personality of a house is indefinable but there never lived a lady of great cultivation and charm whose home whether a palace a farm cottage or a tiny apartment did not reflect the charm of its owner every visitor feels impelled to linger and is loath to go houses without personality are a series of rooms with furniture in them sometimes their lack of charm is baffling every article is correct and beautiful but one has the feeling that the decorator made chalk marks indicating the exact spot on which each piece of furniture is to stand other houses are filled with things of little intrinsic value often with much that is shabby or they are perhaps empty to the point of fairness and yet they have that inviting atmosphere and air of unmistakable quality which is an unfailing indication of high-bred people becoming furniture suitability is the test of good taste always the manner to the moment the dress to the occasion the article to the place the furniture to the background and yet to combine many periods in one and commit no anachronism to put something French something Spanish something Italian and something English into an American house and have the result the perfection of American taste is a feat of leisure domain that has been accomplished time and again a woman of great taste follows fashion and house furnishing just as she follows fashion and dress in general principles only she wears what is becoming to her own type and she puts in her house only such articles as are becoming to it that a quaint old-fashioned house should be filled with quaint old-fashioned pieces of furniture in size proportionate to the sizes of the rooms and that rush bottom chairs and rag carpets have no place in a marble hall need not be pointed out but to an amazing number of persons proportion seems to mean nothing at all they will put a huge piece of furniture in a tiny room so that the effect is one of painful indigestion or they will crowd things all into one corner so that it seems about to capsize or they will spoil a really good room by the addition of senseless and inappropriately cluttering objects in the belief that because they are valuable they must be beautiful regardless of suitability sometimes a room is marred by treasures clung to for reasons of sentiment the blindness of sentiment it is almost impossible for any of us to judge accurately of things which we have throughout a lifetime been accustomed to a chair that was grandmothers a painting father bought the silver that has always been on the dining table are also part of ourselves that we are sentiment blind to their defects for instance the portrait of a colonial officer among others has always hung in mrs old name's dining room one day an art critic whose knowledge was better than his manners blurted out will you please tell me why you have that dreadful thing in this otherwise perfect room mrs old name somewhat taken aback answered rather wonderingly is it dreadful really i have a feeling of affection for him and his dog the critic was merciless if you call a cotton flannel effigy a dog and as for the figure it is equally false and lifeless it is amazing how anyone with your taste can bear looking at it in spite of his rudeness mrs old name saw that what he said was quite true but not until the fact had been pointed out to her gradually she grew to dislike the poor officer so much that he was finally relegated to the attic in the same way most of us have belongings that have always been there or perhaps treasures that we love for some association which are probably as bad as can be to which habit has blinded us though we would not have to be told of their hideousness were they seen by us in the house of another it is not to be expected that all people can throw away every aesthetically unpleasing possession with which nearly every house twenty five years ago was filled but those whose pocket book and sentiment will permit would add greatly to the beauty of their houses by sweeping the bad into the ash can far better have stoneware plates that are good in design than expensive porcelain that is horrible in decoration the only way to determine what is good and what is horrible is to study what is good in books in museums or in art classes in the universities or even by studying the magazines devoted to decorative art be very careful though do not mistake modern eccentricities for art there are frightful things in vogue today flamboyant colors grotesque triangular and oblique designs that cannot possibly be other than bad because aside from striking novelty there is nothing good about them by no standard can a room be in good taste that looks like a perfume manufacturer's fantasy or a design reflected in one of the distorting mirrors that are mirth provokers at county fairs to determine an object's worth in buying an article for a house one might formulate for oneself a few test questions first is it useful anything that is really useful has a reason for existence second has it really beauty of form and line and color texture is not so important or is it merely striking or amusing third is it entirely suitable for the position it occupies fourth if it were eliminated would it be missed would something else look as well or better in its place or would its place look as well empty a truthful answer to these questions would at least help in determining its value since an article that failed in any of them could not be perfect fashion affects taste it is bound to we abominate louis the fourteenth and empire styles at the moment because curves and super ornamentation are out of fashion whether they are really bad or not time alone can tell at present we are admiring plain silver and are perhaps exacting that it be too plain the only safe measure of what is good is to choose that which has best endured the king and the fiddle pattern for flat silver have both been in use in houses of highest fashion ever since they were designed so that they among others must have merit to have so long endured in the same way examples of old potteries and china and glass at present being reproduced are very likely good because after having been for a century or more in disuse they are again being chosen perhaps one might say that the second choice is proof of excellence service the subject of furnishings is however the least part of this chapter appointments meaning decoration being of less importance since this is not a book on architecture or decoration than appointments meaning service before going into the various details of service it might be a good moment to speak of the unreasoning indignity cast upon the honorable vocation of a servant there is an inexplicable tendency in this country only for working people in general to look upon domestic service as an unworthy if not altogether degrading vocation the cause may perhaps be found in the fact that this same scorning public having for the most part little opportunity to know high class servants who are to be found only in high class families take it for granted that ignorant servant girls and hired men are representative of their kind therefore they put upper class servants in the same category regardless of whether they are uncouth and illiterate or persons of refined appearance and manner who often have considerable cultivation acquired not so much at school as through the constant contact with ultra refinement of surroundings and not infrequently through the opportunity for worldwide travel and yet so insistently has this obliquy of the word servant spread that everyone sensitive to the feelings of others avoids using it exactly as one avoids using the word cripple when speaking of one who is slightly lame yet are not the best of us servants in the church and the highest of us servants of the people and the state to be a slatter in a vulgar household is scarcely an elevated employment but neither is working in a sweatshop or belonging to a calling that is really degraded which is otherwise about all that equal lack of ability would procure on the other hand consider the vocation of a lady's maid or courier valet and compare the advantages these enjoy to say nothing of their never having to worry about overhead expenses with the opportunities of those who have never been out of the factory or the store or further away than the adjoining town in their lives as for a nurse is there any vocation more honorable no character in EF Benson's our family affairs is more beautifully or more tenderly drawn than that of Beth who was not only nurse to the children of the Archbishop of Canterbury but one of the most dearly beloved of the family members her place was absolutely next to their mothers in the very heart of the household always two years ago Anna who had for a lifetime been Mrs. Gilding's personal maid died every engagement of that seemingly frivolous family was cancelled even the invitations for their ball not one of the family but mourned for what she truly was their humble but nearest friend would it have been so much better so much more dignified for these two women who lived long useful years in closest association with every cultivating influence of life to have lived on in their native villages and worked in a factory or to have had a little store of their own does this false idea of dignity since it is false go so far as that how many servants for correct service it stands to reason that one may expect more perfect service from a specialist than from one whose functions are multiple but small houses that have a double equipment meaning an alternate who can go in the kitchen and two for the dining room can be every bit as well run so far as essentials go as the palaces of the Gilding's and the worldlies though of course not with the same impressiveness but good service is badly handicapped if when the waitress goes out there is no one to open the door or when the cook goes out there is no one to prepare a meal for what one might call complete service meaning service that is adequate for constant entertaining and can stand comparison with the most luxurious establishments three are the minimum a cook a butler or waitress and a housemaid the reason why luncheons and dinners cannot be perfectly given with a waitress alone is because two persons are necessary for the exactions of modern standards of service yet one alone can on occasion manage very well if attention is paid to ordering and a special menu for single-handed service described at paragraph 14 aside from the convenience of a second person in the dining room a house cannot be run very comfortably and smoothly without alternating shifts in staying in and going out the waitress being on duty to answer bell and telephone and serve tea one afternoon and the housemaid taking her place the next they also alternate in going out every other evening after dinner it should be realized that above the number necessary for essentials each additional chamber maid parlor maid foot man scullery maid or useful man is made necessary by the size of the house and by the amount of entertaining usual rather than as is often supposed for the mere reason of show the seemingly superfluous number of footmen at golden hall and great estates are aside from standing on parade at formal parties needed actually to do the immense amount of work that houses of such size entail whereas a small apartment can be fairly well looked after by one alone all house employees and details of their several duties manners and appearances are enumerated below beginning with the greatest and most complicated establishments possible the employee of highest rank is the secretary who is also companion the position of companion which is always one of social equality with her employer exists only when the lady of the house is an invalid or very elderly or a widow or a young girl in the latter case the companion is a chaperone her secretarial duties consist in writing impersonal letters and notes and probably paying bills she may have occasional invitations to send out and to answer though a lady needing a companion is not apt to be greatly interested in social activities the companion never performs the services of a maid but she occasionally does the housekeeping otherwise her duties cannot very well be set down because they vary with individual requirements one lady likes continually to travel and merely once a companion usually a poor relative or friend to go with her another who was a semi infallid never leaves her room and the duties of her companion are almost those of a trained nurse the average requirement is in being personally agreeable tactful intelligent and companionable a companion dresses as any other lady does according to the occasion her personal taste her age and her means varied social standing of the private secretary the private secretary to a diplomat since he must first pass the diplomatic examination in order to qualify is invariably a young man of education if not birth and his social position is always that of a member of his chiefs family the position of an ordinary private secretary is sometimes that of an upper servant or on the other hand his own social position may be much higher than that of his employer a secretary who either has position of his own or is given position by his employer is in every way treated as a member of the family he is present at all general entertainments and quite as often as not at lunches and dinners the duties of a private secretary are naturally to attend to all correspondence take shorthand notes of speeches or conversations file papers and documents and in every way serve as extra eyes and hands and supplementary brain for his employer the social secretary the position of social secretary is an entirely clerical one and never confers any social privileges unless the secretary is also companion her duties are to write all invitations acceptances and regrets keep a record of every invitation received and everyone sent out and to enter an engagement book every engagement made for her employer whether to lunch dinner to be fitted or to go to the dentist she also writes all impersonal notes takes longer letters in shorthand and writes others herself after being told their purport she also audits all bills and draws the checks for them the checks are filled in and then presented to her employer to be signed after which they are put in their envelopes sealed and sent when the receded bills are returned the secretary files them according to her own method where they cannot any time be found by her if needed for reference in many cases it is she though it is most often the butler who telephones invitations and other messages occasionally a social secretary is also a social manager devises entertainments and arranges all details such as the decorations of the house for a dance or a program of entertainment following a very large dinner the social secretary very rarely lives in the house of her employer more often than not she goes also to one or two other houses since there is seldom work enough in one to require her whole time miss brisk who is mrs. gilding's secretary has little time for anyone else she goes every day for from two to sometimes eight or nine hours in town and at golden hall lives in the house usually a secretary can finish all there is to do in an average establishment in about an hour or at most two a day with the addition of five or six hours on two or three other days each month for the paying of bills supposing she takes three positions she goes to mrs. a from eight thirty to ten every day and for three hours on the tenth or eleventh of every month to mrs. b from ten thirty to one her needs being greater and for six extra hours on the twelve thirteenth and fourteenth of every month and to mrs. c every day at three o'clock for an indefinite time of several hours or only a few minutes her dress is that of any business woman conspicuous clothes are out of keeping as they would be out of keeping in an office which however is no reason why she should not be well dressed well cut tailor-made suits are the most appropriate with a good-looking but simple hat as good shoes as she can possibly afford and good gloves and immaculately clean shirt wastes represent about the most dignified and practical clothes but why describe clothes every woman with good sense enough to qualify as a secretary has undoubtedly sense enough to dress with dignity the housekeeper in a very big house the house keeper usually lives in the house smaller establishments often have a visiting housekeeper who comes for as long as she is needed each morning the resident housekeeper has her own bedroom and bath and sitting room always her meals are brought to her by an a special kitchen maid called in big houses the hall girl or occasionally the butler details an underfootman to that duty in an occasional house all the servants the gardener as well as the cook and butler and nurses come under the housekeeper's authority in other words she super intends the entire house exactly as a very conscientious and skilled mistress would do it herself if she gave her whole time and attention to it she engages the servants and if necessary dismisses them she sees the cook orders meals goes to the market or at least supervises the cook's market orders and likewise engages and apportions the work of the men's servants ordinarily however she is in charge of no one but the house maids parlor maids useful man and one of the scullery maids the cook butler nurses and ladies maid do not come under her supervision but should difficulties arise between herself and them it would be within her province to ask for their dismissal which would probably be granted since she would not ask without grave cause that involved much more than her personal dislike a good housekeeper is always a woman of experience and tapped and often a lady friction is therefore extremely rare end of part one of chapter 12 recorded by rachel ellen may 2007 chapter 12 part two of etiquette this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org recording by rachel ellen etiquette in society in business in politics and at home by emily post chapter 12 the well appointed house part two the organization of a great house the management of a house of greatest size is divided usually into several distinct departments each under its separate head the housekeeper has charge of the appearance of the house and of its contents the manners and looks of the house maids and parlor maids as well as their work in cleaning walls floors furniture pictures ornaments books and taking care of linen the butler has charge of the pantry and dining room he engages all footmen apportions their work and is responsible for their appearance manners and efficiency the cook is in charge of the kitchen under cook and kitchen maids the nurse and the personal maid and cook are under the direction of the lady of the house the butler and the valet as well as the chauffeur and gardener are engaged by the gentleman of the house the butler the butler is not only the most important servant in every big establishment but it is by no means unheard of for him to be in supreme command not only as steward but as housekeeper as well at the world lease for instance Hastings who is actually the butler orders all the supplies keeps the household accounts and engages not only the men servants but the house maids parlor maids and even the chef but normally in a great house the butler has charge of his own department only and his own department is the dining room and pantry or possibly the whole parlor floor in all smaller establishments the butler is always the valet and in many great ones he is valet to his employer even though he details a footman to look after other gentlemen of the family or visitors in a small house the butler works a great deal with his hands and not so much with his head in a great establishment the butler works very much with his head and with his hands not at all at golden hall where guests come in dozens at a time both in the house and the guest annex his stewardship even though there is a housekeeper is not a job which a small man can fill he has perhaps 30 men under him at big dinners 10 who belong under him in the house always he has the keys to the wine cellar and the combination of the silver safe the former being in this day by far the greater responsibility he also chooses the china and glass and linen as well as the silver to be used each day oversees the setting of the table and the serving of all food when there is a house party every breakfast tray that leaves the pantry is first approved by him at all meals he stands behind the chair of the lady of the house in other words at the head of the table in occasional houses the butler stands at the opposite end as he is supposed to be better able to see any directions given him at golden hall the butler stands behind mr. gilding but at great estates hastings invariably stands behind mrs. worldley's chair so that at the slightest turn of her head he need only take a step to be within reach of her voice the husband by the way is head of the house but the wife is head of the table at tea time he oversees the footmen who place the tea table put on the tea cloth and carry in the tea tray after which hastings himself places the individual tables when there is no dinner at home he waits in the hall and assists mr. worldly into his coat and hands him his hat and stick which have previously been handed to the butler by one of the footmen the butler in a smaller house in a smaller house the butler also takes charge of the wines and silver does very much the same as the butler in the bigger house except that he has less overseeing of others and more work to do himself where he is alone he does all the work naturally where he has either one footman or a parlor maid he passes the main courses at the table and his assistant passes the secondary dishes he is also valet not only for the gentleman of the house but for any gentlemen guests as well what the butler wears the butler never wears the livery of a footman and on no account knee breeches or powder in the early morning he wears an ordinary sack suit black or very dark blue with a dark inconspicuous tie for luncheon or earlier if he is on duty at the door he wears black trousers with gray stripes a double-breasted high-cut black waistcoat and black swallowtail coat without satin on the reverse a white stiff bosomed shirt with standing collar and a black foreign hand tie in fashionable houses the butler does not put on his dress suit until six o'clock the butler's evening dress differs from that of a gentleman in a few details only he has no braid on his trousers and the satin on his lapels if any is narrower but the most distinctive difference is that a butler wears a black waistcoat and a white lawn tie and a gentleman always wears a white waistcoat with a white tie or a white waistcoat and a black tie with a dinner coat but never the reverse unless he is an old-time colored servant in the south a butler who wears a dress suit in the daytime is either a hired waiter who has come in to serve a meal or he has never been employed by persons of position and it is unnecessary to add that none but vulgarians would employ a butler or any other house servant who wears a mustache to have him open the door collarless and in shirt sleeves is scarcely worse a butler never wears gloves nor a flower in his buttonhole he sometimes wears a very thin watch chain in the daytime but none at night he never wears a scarf pin or any jewelry that is for ornament alone his cufflinks should be as plain as possible and his shirt studs white enamel ones that look like linen the house footmen all house servants who assist in waiting on the table come under the direction of the butler and are known as footmen one who never comes into the dining room is known as a useful man the duties of the footmen and useful men include cleaning the dining room pantry lower hall entrance vestibule sidewalk attending to the furnace carrying coal to the kitchen wood to all the open fireplaces in the house cleaning the windows cleaning brasses cleaning all boots carrying everything that is heavy moving furniture for the parlor maids to clean behind it the laying all gentlemen sitting and waiting on table attending the front door telephoning and writing down messages and incessantly and ceaselessly cleaning and polishing silver in a small house the butler polishes silver but in a very big house one of the footmen is silver specialist and does nothing else nothing if there is to be a party of any sort he puts on his livery and joins the others who line the hall and bring dishes to the table but he does not assist in setting the table or washing dishes or in cleaning anything whatsoever except silver the butler also usually answers the telephone if not it is answered by the first footman the first footman is deputy butler the footmen also take turns and answering the door in houses of great ceremony like those of the worldlies and the gildings there are always two footmen at the door if anyone is to be admitted one to open the door and the other to conduct a guest into the drawing room but if formal company as expected the butler himself is in the front hall with one or two footmen at the door the footmen's livery people who have big houses usually choose a color for their livery and never change it maroon and buff for instance are the colors of the gildings all their motor cars are maroon with buff lines and cream colored or maroon linings the chauffeurs and outside footmen wear maroon liveries the house footmen for every day wear ordinary footmen's liveries maroon trousers and long-tailed coats with brass buttons and maroon and buff striped whiskets for gala occasions mrs. gilding and as many caterers men as necessary but they are all dressed in her full dress livery consisting of a court coat which comes together at the neck in front and then cuts away to long tails at the back the coat is of maroon broadcloth with frogs and epaulets of black braiding there is a small standing collar of buff cloth and a falling cravat of pleated cream colored lace worn in the front the west cut is of buff satin the breeches of black satin cream colored stockings pumps and the hair is powdered it is first pomaded and then thickly powdered wigs are never worn mrs. worldly however compromises between the court footmen and the ordinary one and puts her footmen in green cloth coats cut like the everyday liveries with silver buttons on which the crest is raised in relief but adds black velvet collars and black satin west cuts in place of the everyday striped ones black satin knee breeches black silk stockings and pumps with silver buckles and their ordinary hair cut short the powdered footmen's court livery is as a matter of fact very rarely seen three or four houses in new york and one or two other where would very likely include them all knee breeches are more usual but even those are seen in none but very lavish houses to choose servants who are naturally well groomed is more important than putting them in smart liveries men must be close shaven and have their hair well cut their linen must be immaculate their shoes polished their clothes brushed and in press and their fingernails clean and well cared for if a man's fingers are indelibly stained he would better wear white cotton gloves the cook the kitchen is always in charge of the cook in a small house or in an apartment she is alone and has all the cooking cleaning of kitchen and larder to do the basement or kitchen bell to answer and the servants table to set and their dishes to wash as well as her kitchen utensils in a bigger house the kitchen maid lights the kitchen fire and does all cleaning of kitchen and pots and pans answers the basement bell sets the servants table and washes the servants table dishes in a still bigger house the second cook cooks for the servants always and for the children sometimes and assists the cook by preparing certain plainer portions of the meals the cook preparing all dinner dishes sauces and the more elaborate items on the menu sometimes there are two or more kitchen maids who merely divide the greater amount of work between them in most houses of any size the cook does all the marketing she sees the lady of the house every morning and submits menus for the day in smaller houses the lady does the ordering of both supplies and menus how a cook submits the menu in a house of largest size at the gildings for instance the chef writes in his book every evening the menus for the next day whether there is to be company or not none of course if the family are to be out for all meals this book is sent up to mrs. gilding with her breakfast tray it is a loose leaf blank book of rather large size the day's menu sheet is on top but the others are left in their proper sequence underneath so that by looking at her engagement book to see who dined with her on such a date and then looking at the menu for that same date she knows if she cares to exactly what the dinner was if she does not like the chef's choice she draws a pencil through and writes in something else if she has any orders or criticisms to make she writes them on an envelope pad folds the page and seals it and puts the note in the book if the menu is to be changed the chef rewrites it if not the page is left as it is and the book put in a certain place in the kitchen the butler always goes into the kitchen shortly after the book has come down and copies the day's menus on a pad of his own from this he knows what table utensils will be needed this system is not necessary in medium sized or small houses but where there is a great deal of entertaining it is much simpler for the butler to be able to go and see for himself than to ask the cook and forget and ask again and the cook forget and then disturbance because the butler did not send down the proper silver dishes or have the proper plates ready or had others heated unnecessarily the kitchen maid the kitchen maids are under the direction of the cook except one known colloquially as the hall girl who is supervised by the housekeeper she is evidently a survival of the between maid of the English house her so briquet comes from the fact that she has charge of the servants hall or dining room and is in fact the waitress for them she also takes care of the housekeeper's rooms and carries all her meals up to her if there is no housekeeper the hall girl is under the direction of the cook the parlor maid the parlor maid keeps the drawing room and library in order the useful man brings up the wood for the fireplaces but the parlor maid lays the fire in some houses the parlor maid takes up the breakfast trays in others the butler does this himself and then hands them to the ladies maid who takes them into the bedrooms the windows and the brasses are cleaned by the useful man and heavy furniture moved by him so she can clean behind them the parlor maid assists the butler in waiting at table and washing dishes and takes turns with him and answering the door and the telephone in huge houses like the worldlies and the guildings the footmen assist the butler in the dining room and at the door and there is always a pantry maid who washes dishes and cleans the pantry the housemaid the housemaid does all the chamber work cleans all silver on dressing tables polishes fixtures in the bathroom in other words takes care of the bedroom floors in a bigger house the head housemaid has charge of the linen and does the bedrooms of the lady and gentlemen of the house and a few of the spare rooms the second housemaid does the nurseries extra spare rooms and the servants floor the bigger the establishment the more housemaids and the work is further divided the housemaid is by many people called the chambermaid uniforms in all houses of importance and fashion the parlor maid and the housemaids and the waitress where there is no butler are all dressed alike their work dresses are a plain cambrick and in whatever the house color may be with large white aprons with high bibs and eaten collars but no cuffs as they must be able to unbutton their sleeves and turn them up those who serve in the dining room must always dress before lunch and the afternoon dresses vary according to the taste and purse of the lady of the house where no uniforms are supplied each maid is supposed to furnish herself with a plain black dress for afternoon on which she wears collars and cuffs of embroidered muslin usually always supplied her and a small afternoon apron with or without shoulder straps and with or without a cap in very beautifully done houses all the dresses of the maids are furnished them the color of the uniforms is chosen to harmonize with the dining room at the gildings junior for instance where there are no men's servants because mr gilding does not like them but where the house is as perfect as a picture on the stage the waitress and parlor maid where in the blue and yellow dining room dresses of nattier blue tapeta with aprons and collars and cuffs of plain himstitched cream colored organdy that is as transparent as possible blue stockings and patent leather slippers with silver buckles their hair always beautifully smooth sometimes they wear caps and sometimes not depending on the waitress's appearance twenty years ago every maid in a lady's house wore a cap except the personal maid who wore and still does a velvet bow or nothing but when every little slattern and every sloppy household had a small mat of whitish swiss pinned somewhere on an untidy head and was decked out in as many yards of embroidery ruffling on her apron and shoulders as her person could carry fashionable ladies began taking caps and trimmings off and exacting instead that clothes be good in cut and hair be neatly arranged a few ladies of great taste dress their maids according to individual becomingness some faces look well under a cap others look the contrary a maid whose hair is rather fluffy especially if it is dark looks pretty in a cap particularly of the cornet variety no one looks well in a doily late flat but fluffy fair hair with a small mat tilted up against a knot of hair dressed high can look very smart a young woman whose hair is straight and rebellious to order can be made to look tidy and even attractive in a headdress that encircles the whole head a good one for this purpose has a very narrow ruche from nine to eighteen inches long on either side of a long black velvet ribbon the ruche goes part way or all the way around the head and the velvet ribbon ties with streamers hanging down the back on the other hand many extremely pretty young women with their hair worn flat do not look well in caps of any description except dutch ones which are in most houses too suggestive of fancy dress if no caps are worn the hair must be faultlessly smooth and neat and of course where two or more maids are seen together they must be alike it would not do to have one wear a cap and the other not the ladies maid a first class ladies maid is required to be a hairdresser a good packer and an expert needlewoman her first duty is to keep her ladies clothes in order and help her dress and undress she draws the bath lays out under clothes always brushes the ladies hair and usually dresses it and gets out the dress to be worn as well as the stockings shoes hat veil gloves wrist bag parasol or whatever accessories go with the dress in question as soon as the lady is dressed everything that has been worn is taken to the sewing room and each article is gone over carefully brushed if of woolen material cleaned of silk everything that is must is pressed everything that can be suspected of not being immaculate is washed or cleaned with cleaning fluid and when in perfect order is replaced where it belongs in the closet under clothes as mended are put into the clothes hamper stockings are looked over for rips or small holes and the maid usually washes very fine stockings herself also lace collars or small pieces of lace trimming some maids have to wait up at night no matter how late until their ladies return but as many if not more are never asked to wait longer than a certain hour but the maid for a debutante in the height of the season between the inevitable go fetching at this place and that and mending of party dresses danced to ribbons and soiled by partners hands on the back and slippers walked on until there is quite as much black part as satin or metal has no sinecure why two maids in very important houses where mother and daughters go out a great deal there are usually two maids one for the mother and one for the daughters but even in moderate households it is seldom practical for a debutante and her mother to share a maid at least during the height of the season but a maid who has to go out night after night for weeks and even months on end and sit in the dressing rooms at balls until four and five and even six in the morning is then allowed to go to bed and sleep until luncheon is merely humane and it can easily be seen that it is more likely that she will need the help of a seamstress to refurbish dance frocks than that she will have any time to devote to her young lady's mother who in mid-season therefore is forced to have a maid of her own ridiculous as it sounds that two maids for two ladies should be necessary sometimes this is overcome by engaging and a special maid by the evening to go to parties and wait and bring the debutante home again and the maid at home can then be made for two dress of a lady's maid a lady's maid wears a black skirt a laundered white waist and a small white apron the band of which buttons in the back in traveling a lady's maid always wears a small black silk apron and some maids wear black taffeta ones always in the afternoon she puts on a black waist with white collar and cuffs mrs. gilding junior puts her maid in black taffeta with embroidered collar and cuffs for company occasions when she waits in the dressing room she wears light gray taffeta with a very small embroidered mull apron with a narrow black velvet waist ribbon and collar and cuffs of mull to match which is extremely pretty but also extremely extravagant the valet pronounced valet not valet is what bo brummel called a gentleman's gentleman his duties are exactly the same as those of the lady's maid except that he does not so he keeps his employer's clothes in perfect order brushes cleans and presses everything as soon as it has been worn even if only for a few moments he lays out the clothes to be put on puts away everything that is a personal belonging some gentlemen like their valet to help them dress run the bath shave them and hold each article in readiness as it is to be put on but most gentlemen merely like their clothes laid out for them which means that trousers have belts or braces attached shirts have cufflinks and studs and waistcoat buttons are put in the valet also unpacks the bags of any gentleman guests when they come valets them while there and packs them when they go he always packs for his own gentleman buys tickets looks after the luggage and makes himself generally useful as a personal attendant whether at home or when traveling at big dinners he is required much against his will to serve as a footman in a footman's not a butler's livery the valet wears no livery except on such occasions his uniform is an ordinary business suit dark and inconspicuous in color with a black tie in the bachelor's quarters a valet is often general factotum not only valeting but performing the services of cook butler and even housemaid the nurse everyone knows the nurse is either the comfort or the torment of the house everyone also knows innumerable young mothers who put up with inexcusable crankiness from a crotchety middle-aged woman because she was so wonderful to the baby and here let it be emphasized that such a one usually turns out not to have been wonderful to the baby at all that she does not actually abuse a helpless infant is merely granting that she is not a monster devotion must always be unselfish the nurse who is really wonderful to the baby is pretty sure to be a person who is kind generally in ninety nine cases out of a hundred the sooner a domineering nurse old or young is got rid of the better it has been the experience of many a mother whose life had been made perfectly miserable through her belief that if she dismissed the tyrant the baby would suffer that in the end there is always an end the baby was quite as relieved as the rest of the family when the right sort of a kindly and humane person took the tyrant's place it is unnecessary to add that one cannot be too particular in asking for a nurse's reference and in never failing to get a personal one from the lady she is leaving not only is it necessary to have a sweet tempered competent and clean person but her moral character is of utmost importance since she is to be the constant and inseparable companion of the children whose whole lives are influenced by her example especially where busy parents give only a small portion of time to their children end of chapter 12 part 2 chapter 12 part 3 of etiquette this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Rachel Ellen etiquette in society in business in politics and at home by Emily Post chapter 12 the well appointed house part 3 courtesy to one's household in a dignified house a servant is never spoken to as Jim Maisie or Katie but always as James or Margaret or Catherine and a butler is called by his last name nearly always the world these butler for instance is called Hastings not John in England a lady's maid is also called by her last name and the cook if married is addressed as missus and the nurse is always called nurse a chef is usually called chef or else by his last name always abroad and every really well bred lady or gentleman here says please and asking that something be brought to her or him please get me the book I left on the table in my room or please give me some bread or some bread please or one can say equally politely and omit the please I'd like some toast but it is usual and instinctive to every lady or gentleman to add please in refusing a dish at the table one must say no thank you or no thanks or else shakes one's head a head can be shaken politely or rudely to be courteously polite and yet keep one's walls up is a thing every thoroughbred person knows how to do and a thing that everyone who is trying to become such must learn to do a rule can't be given because there isn't any as said in another chapter a well bred person always lives within the walls of his personal reserve a vulgarian has no walls or at least none that do not collapse at the slightest touch but those who think they appear superior by being rude to others whom fortune has placed below them might as well did they but know it shout their own unexalted origin to the world at large since by no other method could it be more widely published the house with limited service the fact that you live in a house with two servants or in an apartment with only one need not imply that your house lacks charm or even distinction or that it is not completely the home of a lady or gentleman but as explained in the chapter on dinners if you have limited service you must devise systematic economy of time and labor or you will have disastrous consequences every person after all has only one pair of hands and a day has only so many hours and one thing is inevitable which young housekeepers are apt to forget a few cannot do the work of many and do it in the same way it is all very well if the housemaid cannot get into young mrs. gilding's room until lunchtime nor does it matter if its confusion looks like the aftermath of a cyclone the housemaid has nothing to do the rest of the day but put that one room and bath in order but in young mrs. gailey's small house where the housemaid is also the waitress who is supposed to be dressed for lunch it does not have to be pointed out that she cannot sweep dust tidy up rooms wash out bathtubs polish fixtures and at the same time be dressed in afternoon clothes if mrs. gailey is out for lunch it is true the chambermaid waitress need not be dressed to wait on table but her thoughtless young mistress would not be amiable if a visitor were to ring the doorbell in the early afternoon and have it opened by a maid in a rumpled working dress supposing the time to put the bedroom in order is from ten to eleven each morning it is absolutely necessary that mrs. gailey take her bath before ten so that even if she is not otherwise dressed she can be out of her bedroom and bath at ten o'clock promptly she can go elsewhere while her room is done up and then come back and finish dressing later in this case she must herself tidy any disorder that she makes in dressing put away her negligee and slippers and put back anything out of place on the days when mr. gailey does not go to the office he too must get up and out so that the house can be put in order the one made alone but where one made alone cooks cleans waits on table and furthermore serves as ladies made and ballot she must necessarily be limited in the performance of each of these duties in direct proportion to their number even though she be eagerly willing quality must give way before quantity produced with the same equipment or if quality is necessary then quantity must give way in the house of a fashionable gay couple like the love joys for instance the time spent in mating or valeting has to be taken from cleaning or cooking besides cleaning and cooking the one made in their small apartment can press out mrs. love joys dresses and do a little mending but she cannot sit down and spend one or two hours going over a dress in the way a specialist maid can either mrs. love joy herself must do the sewing or the housework or one or the other must be left undone the management of servants it is certainly a greater pleasure and incentive to work for those who are appreciative than for those who continually find fault everyone who did war work cannot fail to remember how easy it was to work for or with some people and how impossible to get anything done for others and just as the heads of work rooms or wards or canteens were either stimulating or dispiriting so must they and their types also be to those who serve in their households this perhaps explains why some people are always having a servant problem finding servants difficult to get more difficult to keep and most difficult to get efficient work from it is a question whether the servant problem is not more often a mistress problem it must be because if you notice those who have woes and complaints are invariably the same just as others who never have any trouble are also the same it does not depend on the size of the house the love joys never have any trouble and yet their one made of all work has a far from easy place and a vacancy at brook meadows is always sought after even though the old names spend ten months of the year in the country neither is there any friction at the golden hall or great estates even though the latter house is run by the butler and almost inevitable cause of trouble these houses represent a difference in range from one alone to nearly forty on the household payroll those who have persistent trouble it might be well for those who have trouble to remember a few rules which are often overlooked justice must be the foundation upon which every tranquil house is constructed work must be as evenly divided as possible one servant should not be allowed liberties not accorded to all it is not just to be too lenient any more than it is just to be unreasonably strict to allow impertinent source lobby work is inexcusable but it is equally inexcusable to show causeless irritability or to be overbearing or rude and there is no greater example of injustice than to reprimand those about you because you happen to be in a bad humor and at another time overlook offenses that are greater because you are in an amiable mood there is also no excuse for correcting either a servant or a child before people and when you do correct do not forget to make allowances if there be any reason why allowance should be made if you live in a palace like golden hall or any completely equipped house of important size you overlook nothing there is no more excuse for delinquency than there is in the army if anything happens such as illness of one servant there is another to take his or her place a huge household is a machine and it is the business of the engineers in other words the secretary housekeeper chef or butler to keep it going perfectly but in a little house it is not fair to say Selma the silver is dirty when there is a hot air furnace and you have had company to every meal and you have perhaps sent her on errands between times and she has literally not had a moment if you don't know whether she has had time or not you could give her the benefit of the doubt and say trustfully not hotly you've not had time to clean the silver have you this in case she has really been unable to clean it points out just as well the fact that it is not shining but it is not a criticism carelessness on the other hand when you know she has had plenty of time should never be overlooked another type that has difficulties is the distrustful sometimes actually suspicious person who locks everything tight and treats all those with whom she comes in contact as though they were meddlesomely curious at least or at worst dishonest it is impossible to overstate the misfortune of this temperament the servant who is watched for fear she won't work listened to for fear she may be gossiping suspected of wanting to take a liberty of some sort or of doing something else she shouldn't do is psychologically encouraged almost driven to do those very things the perfect mistress expects perfect service but it never occurs to her that perfect service will not be voluntarily and gladly given she on her part shows all of those in her employ the consideration and trust do them as honourable self-prespecting and conscientious human beings if she has reason to think they are not all this a lady does not keep them in her house etiquette of service the well trained high class servant is faultlessly neat in appearance reticent in manner speaks in a low voice walks and moves quickly but silently and is unfailingly courteous and respectful she or he always knocks on a door even of the library or a sitting room but opens it without waiting to hear come in as knocking on a downstairs door is merely politeness at a bedroom door she would wait for permission to enter in answering a bell she asks did you ring sir or if especially well-mannered she asks did madam ring a servant always answers yes madam or very good sir never yes no all right or sure young people in the house are called miss Alice or Mr. Ollie possibly Mr. Oliver but they are generally called by their familiar names with the prefix of miss or Mr. young children are called Miss Kitty and Master Fred but never by the nurse who calls them by their first names until they are grown sometimes always all cards and small packages are presented on a tray time out and in no doubt in the far off districts there are occasional young women who work long and hard and for little compensation but at least in all cities servants have their definite time out furthermore they are allowed in humanely run houses to have times in when they can be at home to friends who come to see them in every well appointed house of size there is a sitting room which is furnished with comfortable chairs and sofa if possible a good drop light to read by often books and always magazines sent out as soon as read by the family in other words they have an inviting room to use as their own exactly as though they were living at home if no room is available the kitchen has a cover put on the table a drop light and a few restful chairs are provided the maids men friends our maids allowed to receive men friends certainly they are whoever in remote ages thought it was better to forbid followers the house and have Mary and Selma slip out of doors to meet them in the dark had very distorted notions to say the least and any lady who knows so little of human nature as to make the same rule for her mates today is acting in ignorant blindness of her own duties to those who are not only in her employee but also under her protection a pretty young woman whose men friends come in occasionally and play cards with the others or dance to a small and not loud phonograph in the kitchen is merely being treated humanely because she wears a uniform makes her no less a young girl with a young girl's love of amusement which if not properly provided for her at home will be sought for in sinister places this responsibility is one that many ladies who are occupied with charitable and good works elsewhere often overlook under their own roof it does not mean that the kitchen should be a scene of perpetual revelry and mirth that can by any chance disturb the quiet of the neighborhood or even the family unseemly noise is checked at once much as it would be if young people in the drawing room became disturbing continuous company is not suitable either and those who abuse privileges naturally must have them curtailed but the really high class servant who does not appreciate kindness and requited with consideration and proper behavior is rare service in formal entertaining on the sidewalk and in the hall for a wedding or a ball and sometimes for teas and big dinners there is an awning from curb to front door but usually especially in good weather a dinner or other moderate sized evening entertainment is prepared for by stretching a carpet a red one invariably down the front steps and across the pavement to the curbs edge at all important functions there is a chauffeur or a caterer's man on the sidewalk to open the door of motors and a footman or waitress stationed inside the door of the house to open it on one's approach this same servant or more often another stationed in the hall beyond directs the arriving guests to the dressing rooms dressing rooms houses especially built for entertaining have two small rooms on the ground floor each with its avatar and off of it a rack for the hanging of coats and wraps in most houses however guests have to go upstairs where two bedrooms are set aside one as a ladies and the other as a gentleman's coat room at an afternoon tea and houses where dressing rooms have not been installed by the architect the end of the hall if it is wide is sometimes supplied with a coat rack which may be rented from a caterer for the gentleman ladies are in this case supposed to go into the drawing room as they are or go upstairs to the bedroom put at their disposal and in charge of a lady's maid or housemaid if the entertainment is very large checks are always given to avoid confusion in the dressing rooms exactly as in public check rooms in the ladies dressing room whether downstairs or up there must be an array of toilet necessities such as brushes and combs well placed mirrors hairpins powder with stacks of individual cotton balls or a roll of cotton in a receptacle from which it may be pulled in the lavatory there must be fresh soap and plenty of small hand towels the ladies personal maid and one or two assistants if necessary depending on the size of the party but one and all of them as neatly dragged as possible assist ladies off and on with their wraps and give them their coat checks a lady's maid should always look the arriving guests over not boldly nor too apparently but with a quick glance for anything that may be a miss if the drapery of a dress is caught up on its trimming or a fastening undone it is her duty to say excuse me madam or miss but there is a hook undone or the drapery of your gown is caught shall I fix it which she does as quickly and quietly as possible if there is a rip of any sword she says I think there is a thread loose I'll just tack it it would only be a moment the well-bred maid instinctively makes little of a guest's accident and is as considerate as the hostess herself employees instinctively adopt the attitude of their employer in the gentleman's coat room of a perfectly appointed house the valet's attitude is much the same if a gentleman's coat should have met with any accident the valet says let me have it fixed for you sir it'll only take a moment and he divests the gentleman of his coat and takes it to a maid and asks her please to take a stitch in it meanwhile he goes back to his duties in the dressing room until he is sure the coat is finished when he gets it and politely helps the owner into it in a small country house where dressing room space is limited the quaint tables copied from old ones are very useful screened off at the back of the downstairs hall or in a very small lavatory they look when shot like an ordinary table but when the top is lifted a mirror the height of the table's width swings forward and a series of small compartments and trays both deep and shallow are laid out on either side the trays of course are kept filled with hair pins pins and powder and the compartments have sunburn lotion and liquid powder brush comb and whisk broom and whatever else the hostess thinks will be useful the announcement of guests the butler's duty is to stand near the entrance to the reception or drawing room and as each guest arrives unless they are known to him he asks what name please he then leads the way into the room where the hostess is receiving and says distinctly Mr. and Mrs. Jones if Mrs. Jones is considerably in advance of her husband he says Mrs. Jones then waits for Mr. Jones to approach before announcing Mr. Jones at a very large party such as a ball or a very big T or musical he does not leave his place but stands just outside the drawing room and the hostess stands just within and as the guests pass through the door he announces each one's name it is said to be customary in certain places to have waitresses announce people but in New York guests are never announced if there are no men's servants at a very large function such as a ball or a T a hostess who has no butler at home always employs one for the occasion if for instance she is giving a ball for her daughter and all the sons and daughters of her own acquaintance are invited the chances are that not half or even a quarter of her guests are known to her by sight so that their announcement is not a mere matter of form but of necessity the announcement of dinner when the butler on entering the room to announce dinner happens to catch the attention of the hostess he merely bows otherwise he approaches within speaking distance and says dinner is served he never says dinner is ready at a large dinner where it is quite a promenade to circle the table in search of one's name the butler stands just within the dining room and either reads from a list or says from memory right or left as the case may be to each gentleman and lady on approaching in a few of the smartest houses a leaf has been taken from the practice of royalty and a table plan arranged in the front hall which is shown to each gentleman at the moment when he takes the envelope enclosing the name of his partner at dinner this table plan is merely a diagram made in leather with white name cards that slip into spaces corresponding to the seats at the table on this a gentleman can see exactly where he sits and between whom so that if he does not know the lady who is to be on his left as well as the one he is to take in he has plenty of time before going to the table to ask his host to present him at the end of the evening the butler is always at the front door and by that time unless the party is very large he should have remembered their names if he is a perfect butler and as mr. and mrs. jones appear he opens the door and calls down to the chauffeur mr. jones car and in the same way mr. smith's car miss gilding's car when a car is at the door the chauffeur runs up the steps and says to the butler miss gilding's car or mrs. jones car the butler then announces to either mr. or mrs. jones your car sir or your car madam and holds the door open for her to go out or he may say your car miss if the gilding car comes first dining room service at private entertainments supper at a ball in a great house big enough for a ball is usually in charge of the butler who by supper time is free from his duties of announcing and is able to look after the dining room service the sit-down supper at a ball is served exactly like a dinner or a wedding breakfast and the buffet supper of a dance is like the buffet of a wedding reception at a large tea where the butler is on duty announcing at the same time that other guests are going into the dining room for refreshments the dining room service has to be handed over to the first footman and his assistants or a capable waitress is equally able to meet the situation she should have at least two maids with her as they have to pour all cups of tea and bullion and chocolate as well as to take away used cups and plates and see that the food on the table is replenished at a small tea where ladies perform the office of pouring one man or maid in the dining room is plenty to bring in more hot water or fresh cups or whatever the table hostesses have need of formal service without men's servants many and very fastidious people who live in big houses and entertain constantly have neither men's servants nor employ a caterer ever efficient women take men's places equally well though two services are omitted women never in new york at least announce guests or open the doors of motors but there is no difference whatsoever in the details of the pantry dining room hall or dressing room whether the services are performed by men or women no women of course are ever on duty in gentlemen's dressing rooms at an evening party the door is opened by the waitress assisted by the parlor maid who directs the way to the dressing rooms the guests when they are ready to go into the drawing room approach the hostess unannounced a guest who may not be known by sight does not wait for her hostess to recognize her but says at once how do you do mrs eminent i'm mrs joseph blank or a young girl says i am constant style not miss style unless she is beyond the twenties or a married woman merely announces herself as mrs town she does not add her husband's name as it is taken for granted that the gentleman following her is mr town end of chapter 12