Sunday morning September 22nd it is a drizzly between the cup and my hand anyway it's a drizzly Sunday morning typical for this time of year in Portland hang on gotta turn some lights on now on there we go um I don't think we're going anywhere I think we're hanging out here at the house today I've got an Etsy order to pack and some inspiration journals to work in and or I've got three more to set up I know right I've got to order more Moleskine Cayes um a little winded getting up the stairs and um I need to make some paper clips because I haven't made any since Thursday so that's a thing and baby packs and still I hear yet um but mom and baby are both doing well the labor's just taking a long time so anyway that's it for the moment I'm going to turn on the computer and get my day started and I'll be back good morning it is Monday morning September 23rd 10 16 a.m don't get excited I only know what time it is because I'm in the car and I only know the date because I'm hopefully even I can remember my daughter's birthday so happy birthday Rebecca she's 25 years old I cannot believe time has flown by so quickly seems like just yesterday she was two so you know I don't know anyway um headed out to I just dropped off some Etsy orders at the post office and I need to go to the store I need printer ink because I need to print some stuff for the Etsy shop and for my inspiration journals but I'm at a printer ink so I'm gonna got a bag full of empty cartridges so we're gonna go to Fred Meyer and get a few things then I'm gonna go to um the staples sorry that's my keys then I'm gonna go to staples and um get my ink and then we'll go home I've got a video I've got to work on today which I did part of and um I'm waiting for it to dry so I'm gonna go run my errands while that's happening and we'll be back good morning it's 10 30 a.m Tuesday September 24th don't get excited I'm in front of the computer I checked the time first but yesterday was my daughter's birthday so I kind of knew without looking that it was a 24th anyway um I've already been up early and out of the house and back again mailing out Etsy orders checking the PO box I got some mail from Peg Robinson Peg thank you so much I appreciate the gift so much um and we're having a roof guy come by today to do some cleaning and spread the zinc powder stuff on the roof so we don't get moss those of you who live in areas where you have to do that know what I'm talking about I'm from California so I don't know too much about it just that we need to do it and um the gutters seem to be clean but I think the valleys and the roof I know they need to be cleaned and the downspouts I have a feeling might be clogged so he's gonna like do all that anyway so I'm just hanging out working on my inspiration journals while I'm doing that I you can probably maybe see on the table behind me maybe I don't know if you can see I've got journals out paper trimmers tape runner I've got a lot of pictures to cut I spent yesterday printing them um and some of these journals I'll be able to share with you all um I don't know how I'm going to do that yet uh if I'm going to put them in Etsy or if I'm going to put them for people who are over a patreon um I might do limited pages for free for YouTube for YouTube I don't know I honestly I have no idea um but these are some the ones I can share are ones that I've taken the pictures um with my phone so those I can share uh there's no copyright on the images so except by me uh all right so that's it for the moment I I'm gonna get my stuff together and get my work done and I think there's a wet load of laundry downstairs I've got to try so that's a thing all right I'll be back okay so as you can see over there behind me on the table there's a bunch of the inspiration journals out there they're drying I got all the pictures taped in uh to all of them and um I'm almost out of the tombo tape runner and I just do um a little bit of like decorative edge taping with some quarter inch masking tape which I didn't get all of that done because I ran out of masking tape and I just do not have time this week to go to the shops and go get more of both of those so I just ordered some from amazon it should be here tomorrow I could have saved some money by going and using a coupon but there's just not time this week I'm waiting right now on the roof guy he's running a little bit late and he's just texting me right now that he's going to go get the stuff for the roof to keep it from turning green um and growing moss so he's going to be sprinkling that on after he cleans um so he should be here in a little while yeah so um I got the dishes and stuff done I guess I'll go do the laundry I can't do anything else over here till stuff dries I do need to make at least one paperclip today but between today and tomorrow I actually want to make um like five or six paperclips because I don't know how busy this weekend is going to be so I'm gonna make stuff ahead all right that's it for the moment it may almost be fall or is fall and getting dark early but we're still walking Fred's out there checking out the new goalposts on the field here in the king city community park anyway it's a nice evening perfect weather for walking I'll be back good morning everyone it is 9 33 a.m I've been up for quite a while I'm expecting contractors here today sorry shiny moisturized skin um anyway um so but I have been up for a while because I forgot to edit the vlog yesterday so it didn't air at 8 a.m this morning but it is loading to YouTube as we speak so it should be up there shortly it's going to be a busy weekend I've got stuff to do so yeah hopefully the contractors get here and get their stuff done and get out in a timely manner let's hope so all right I'll be back good morning everybody it's Thursday morning September 26th 802 a.m don't get all excited I've checked already I need to head over to the airport and it's rush hour so I'm leaving a bit early because I'm going to hit traffic but I've got to pick my little sister up at the airport so that's a thing let's get on it all right I'll be back my sister's been visiting and she's headed out to our niece's house we'll see them up there so yeah it's been a busy 24 hours it's going to be a busy weekend so I don't know how much I'm vlogging I'm going to get done but we'll see there's also of course not only a new baby but family drama going on I won't go into it but you know they they go together don't they new stuff and family drama anyway so anyway she's going to borrow my husband's car and take off so I'm gonna get her started and make sure she knows where she's going and I'll be back see I said my sister was visiting this is my baby sister Elizabeth hello this is my big sister yeah the one I told you all before that I have family issues so the one sibling I like this is the one so anyway people know about in my life anyway we're going to try to stop causing family drama and get her on the road and make sure she knows where the gas station is and we'll I'll be back yeah okay baby sister's getting on the road hopefully she doesn't get too lost we'll find out all right I'll be back okay and she's off we got the car adjusted we got the radio fixed she's got directions hopefully she's got a better sense of direction than I do let's hope all right I'll be back so the light's a little odd sorry ceiling fans on again but I wanted to show you guys all so my sister and her husband my favorite brother-in-law Philip and my baby sister Elizabeth who you just saw just got back from a family trip or a family trip from a trip to Italy they took a sort of second honeymoon trip and they went to Italy and visited our family's homes over there there's two of them one for each side of the family and family still owns them yes and lives there anyway she messaged me periodically on and on the trip and when she could and said you know I'm not really bringing any souvenirs home just lots of pictures and memories I'm not even bringing a ticket Stubbs home Stubbs home and I said that's great but wait wait the paper wait he said you know I'm a journaler so I would bring this Stubbs home because I would be journaling with them and the brochures and stuff and so I guess that gave her an idea to bring me home papers from Italy so travel brochures I mean look at that image on that one that armor and then look at this one and then she brought me a bunch of ticket Stubbs and people this is the back of a ticket Stubb honestly she brought me back some great stuff there's sightseeing maps and travel guides and just there is a stack of things thank you Elizabeth love you so anyway oh yeah that is so great oh wait there's even a coin in here there's a smashed coin where is it from look oh that's in Italian I have no idea San Pietro I know that's probably not how you pronounce that okay I'm gonna have to go through here because that's gonna have to go in my souvenir coin bowl yes I do have one um holy moly look at this brochure Vienna so anyway there is some really good stuff to go through all right I'll be back her husband Brendan he was super cute anyway it was a great visit if you're watching this you've seen a little footage of him and a few clips I have that I thought were interesting from the drive home at night I was experimenting and playing with taking still images and video in the car in the dark on the way home with different settings on my cat it's been a fun week an interesting week a busy one but it's all good and next week will be more of the same I think we're gonna start off the week and the new vlog with celebrating mr bob's birthday so next week too anyway if you want to support the free content here on youtube and over in the facebook art groups there's a link tree list of links in the description below there you'll find the etsy shop link patreon amazon affiliate stores and a bunch of other stuff along with just places you can follow me on social media so check that out and happy mail addresses down there and all that stuff too leave any questions comments or concerns down below I hope you've had a great week don't forget to go out and do something nice for yourself because you deserve it and we'll see you later bye guys


Good morning y'all! Today is a very exciting day because we are getting our freaking couch. I am so pumped and I'm so pumped and this might even be the day that I got my internet in this apartment. We were without internet for about a week and you know, it was torture and everything, but not having like a really nice couch and like a comfortable couch in your living room, that is like a different feeling so I don't know, I'm just very very excited to finally get my couch and like actually see what it's gonna look like and feel like and look like in this room too because when we were measuring it out it was huge and I feel like right now there's so much open space and I feel like we're like getting too used to that so I'm wondering like what that's gonna feel like. I actually just got the call from the delivery guy that he's like en route to my apartment and thank God that they are able to come up like the three floors because the last time I ordered something, what was it? Oh I think it was this couch, yeah it was this patio furniture Walmart dropped it off, they delivered it here and they apparently like don't do third floor deliveries and he was like kind of mean about it and I was like okay like I don't really care like I have a boyfriend that can help me like you don't have to be sassy like anyway so I'm very glad that this guy's gonna bring it all the way up here but I did not pay for the setup because I was just curious like how hard is it to set up a couch? I don't know we'll find out today I guess and if I can't do it alone obviously Ryan's gonna come home later after work so he can have a walk.  Thank God for that delivery though because they were like dying walking on the three floors I felt so bad but I think I kind of want to like open it up I don't know I'm kind of excited but I also have some freelance work that I need to get done and I want to get it done before noon so I should probably do that first. I'm gonna do that first. So I'm behind the camera I'm a little bit indecent right now but Ryan got this he's home from work and Bob the Builder it's your chance to shine. I'm so excited to reveal it this is so like yeah modeling in the new couch this is what it looks like it's not like a pure white I don't know if you guys can tell but it is off white I guess and it was from Wayfair so I will link it down below I know that they're going through a little bit of a scandal right now but I bought this literally like yeah it literally took so long I bought it way before like all that came out and stuff so but the one thing I saw or Ryan saw was this and it's kind of oh yeah it was like a string hanging but it's kind of bad especially because it's like on the front like on the back I don't think I would have cared as much but that's kind of bad especially because it was like kind of really freaking expensive you know like but I'm so excited that I finally have a couch I've always wanted this like literally when I was like saving up money and put it in my savings I was like okay so you're gonna get the couch you want and that was like I am the TV yeah hey y'all so it is actually a couple weeks later I'm not really sure and exactly I got this couch but I wanted to finish up this vlog right here and kind of give you guys an update on my couch drama couch situation whatever you want to call it so you saw that the couch was damaged and actually was damaged in the back as well just a little bit in the back but the front was way worse so I contacted Wayfair and at first they were really really great about it they said they would replace the full sofa unit so only pretty much the part that got damaged not the chase because these are like two separate pieces and you kind of connect them at the bottom so they were gonna replace that sofa unit and I was like okay perfect and they were gonna like let us keep like the sofa so we could have like two sofas and we could like you know make it a way bigger couch I was kind of hyped about that because I was like damn that's gonna be nice so a day or two later I got an email from Wayfair and they said that that cannot happen anymore because the seller does not replace like just like the one unit I don't know this whole thing is a unit so they don't replace just the sofa or just the chase they have to like replace the whole unit so they gave me an option and they said that I could either get refunded $400 or get the whole sofa replaced and then when they come and bring me the new sofa they would take this whole sofa and I don't know do whatever with it so I couldn't keep it which I was literally going to sell like the other sofa if it didn't fit and get more money so I tried bargaining a little bit more because you know I like money and it would be nice to have a little bit more back just because the damage is on the front of the arm like right when you see it you can see it so I was kind of like trying to you know so it's kind of trying to haggle the $400 and to get it a little bit up so unfortunately they were really just set on the $400 but I'm glad I asked because my dad always taught me the worst answer you can get as now so I'm getting the $400 refunded back on my credit card which is so nice because hello that can pay off my credit card debt well I don't have debt but you know what I mean like my credit cards and I get this couch for way less and I have a really good idea but I don't know if it's going to work so basically for this couches I got free swatches I don't know where they are right now so I might order the same color of the couch I'm thinking about cutting out the swatch and kind of like pasting it on with like glue or something I don't know if that sounds really dumb but I feel like it could work everyone's been telling me to just put a throw blanket on it which is so freaking smart I don't know why I didn't think that in the first place but I mean it was a really expensive couch so I kind of didn't want to just like let it go you know because it is on the front of the arm but yeah that's my couch situation overall like Wayfarer's customer service is really really good and I really recommend this couch like even though yes it came damaged but like at least they fixed their problems you know so I will have a link in the description for y'all to check it out I haven't linked it on my stories yet it is kind of expensive and I just felt a little weird like linking it on my stories which I probably will but I don't know like y'all have to understand that this was like my big girl purchase and I've been saving for this specific couch because I had it my eye on it for so long and I knew I wanted like a white sectional for my new place so I worked my butt off for this so I'm proud so I actually just went to meet up with Ryan for lunch and we were going to go to the sushi place because they had a really good lunch deal but by the time we got there first of all it was like kind of in the city near UT so this parking life sucked and it was really scary and people are so aggressive when they drive here I mean probably especially during lunchtime because you know they got to get back to their office but still they're very aggressive and I feel like I've never really experienced that even in Atlanta but I didn't really drive in the city that often but anyways so he just got a sub from Thundercloudsubs and I came home and made a salad because I was just like you know what I'm going home I'm able to make myself some food that I already have so I made a salad and I wanted to share with you guys like what I put in it it's probably not the like most healthy salad but it's way better than anything else I could probably think of to make I usually use all arugula but I didn't find it in the store this time so I had to use a mix of it so I put it in there and then I did strawberries, feta, blueberries I like this salad dressing it's a lemon poppy seed and then I put pecan so it's kind of just like a sweet salad and I put like chicken that's like already kind of cooked it just comes in like some packets so you just put it in the microwave and you're good to go and it's a really yummy salad it gets me very very full this is the exact salad that I usually get in a restaurant if I do get a salad like I love the sweeter salad so I'm actually in the middle of editing this vlog right now and I totally forgot to tell you all about the coffee table that we got so we literally hit the jackpot I think I now can call myself let go queen I definitely showed you guys that I got one of my chairs from let go I'll show you all but I added it to another vlog and it was so cool and I definitely hit the jackpot of that too because this was only I think I got it for like $25 this chair right here and I think it's super trendy right now it kind of has that boho vibe and then in our living room what we just got from let go is our coffee table Sophie's following me do you want to show them? we got this coffee table and it's basically like a wood base with a glass top oh ok it has a distressed look to it so it's not super white but I think it is a little bit dirty there are some stains on it so we might paint another coat of white on top but I do like the distressed look so I might keep that what's really cool about this coffee table is that the couple that we bought it from said it was made in Santa Barbara and when we picked it up it was not even like two days after I came home from Santa Barbara in like Carpinteria area and I thought it was just so cool I was like wait this is like fate I feel like I needed this coffee table it made me really have good vibes so I loved the table first of all and I got it for 40 freaking dollars this table probably cost them like more than $300 especially because they said it was like custom made or something guys check let go check Facebook Marketplace I'm telling you guys so many people are moving every single day and they have to get rid of like a bunch of stuff even before I moved out of my sorority dorm I was trying to sell so much stuff because I wanted to minimize what I had to take back to Atlanta and to Texas and I fit it all in my car like everything that I had at college fit in my car on the way home oh wait just kidding that's a lie there's a lot of boxes here but that's not that much like I was pretty proud of myself honestly even if you're not moving and you just want to like redecorate like your living room or bedroom or anything check all the apps check Craigslist let go Facebook Marketplace because you can find some really cool shit so that's my ramble for the day I'm probably going to end the vlog here I hope you guys enjoyed seeing our couch I'll see y'all on my next vlog bye


Here's another Thrive Tip from Kaiser Permanente and Fox 12. Suicide is among the leading causes of death in the United States, but it's something we can all help prevent. To lower suicide rates, the first step is to change the way that we talk about mental illness and suicide, that way we can reduce and remove the stigma of mental illness and depression. Most suicide deaths occur as a result of a very impulsive act or decision, and so if you can lengthen the time from when the thought occurs in someone's mind and distract them and delay them, you can essentially save their lives. The other thing that can really help reduce suicide is by talking to your doctor or medical professional about it and having a safety plan, talking to your family, making sure that we all know what to do in case these thoughts come up. At Kaiser Permanente, we've also set up findyourwords.org to be able to share your story and get access to resources. This has been another Thrive Tip sponsored by Kaiser Permanente and Fox 12. Visit kptv.com slash thrive for more information.


So, with that and the power of giving and receiving feedback, what really piqued your interest in researching giving effective feedback? When I was getting my PhD, I found that I was someone who cared a lot more about feedback than some of my colleagues. When I would grade papers, I would grade with a fine, green-tipped pen, and some of my colleagues and friends would grade with a big, fat red marker. And when I asked one of my friends, like, why do you grade with a fat marker? You can't give any feedback. And they said, that's the point. And it was interesting because I graded with a fine, green pen because I wanted to be friendly, plus I wanted to give lots of comments. And I think there's an analog in work. If you're one of those employees who has a manager, who has the red, fat-tipped marker approach to feedback, you know it, and you're like, please, I would really appreciate a fine, green-tipped pen at some point. So, part of it is I've always been curious about feedback. And then the other part is that for, you know, one of my biggest investments in my career has been in giving feedback for about 19 years now. Before I began working with people in business and helping people get better at feedback, my job was to work with professors to make good professors your favorite professors. I was basically a teaching coach. And I worked with lawyers. I worked with engineers. I worked with nurses. I even once worked with a Broadway choreographer. And I was helping them figure out how do you give feedback to your dancers, to your students, to new attorneys. And it made me realize that all of us, well, at least 90% of us, have to give feedback as part of our jobs. But 99% of us haven't been trained in how to give feedback. And I want to change that. I want to help people know how to give feedback. What surprised me most of all in the book was that you distilled feedback down into three specific components or forms of feedback, which was just wonderful because if you view it through that lens, feedback becomes something even something more that you would want to seek out because it helps in every way. So why don't you go ahead and set that up for us so we can have that chat? Oh, sure. Well, and I don't know about you, Johnny, but I'm used to hearing about feedback as just either positive or negative. Yes. Or if your manager's being really politically correct, they might talk about constructive feedback and avoid the word negative feedback. Right? You know, that's the way most of us talk about feedback. And there's that that's not that helpful to employees, right? Because employees know if what they're hearing is positive or negative. So what I find a much better distinction, this comes from Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen from the book, Thanks for the Feedback. This distinction between three kinds of feedback, not two, but three. So coaching, evaluation, and appreciation. So appreciation would be what most of us would call positive feedback. OK, so appreciation is what you're doing well. So that might be, Johnny, I love how you make every guest feel like I'm a friend, right? I feel like we've known each other forever, right? And that makes listeners want to pay attention because they're like, if he's if she's his friend, then I want to learn about her, right? So that's an impact that you have. So that would be appreciation. Coaching is advice, right? So coaching would be what you can do to improve that might be you might say to Emily, Emily, I noticed you're kind of quiet in our Zoom meetings. You know, what could I do to help you speak more? That would be, you know, and you're trying to solicit what is Emily need and how can I help her? And then the last, the third one there is evaluation and evaluation is where you stand. So evaluation might be you have to tell Alex, like Alex, the past few months, your output has been half of what it should be. Or at least half of the other people on the team. What's going on for you? What obstacles are you running into? And so appreciation, coaching and evaluation and people need all three kinds of advice. We all we all get better if we have all three kinds of advice or all three kinds of feedback. Well, soon as I read that in the book, I was so surprised because there's nothing there that you would want to avoid. If you look at it, all three as their component and and compartmentalizes, they are. So if we're looking at evaluation and you mentioned, well, that's where you stand. Okay, that's comparatively with some other numbers. Here's where I'm at. And here's where I have been and where I need to go. So how do I get there? Well, that's where this coaching is going to come involved because now we're not slamming you on what you're doing bad. We're going to coach you to get to where you want to go. And with that, I'm going to fill you up with good vibes because I'm going to show you how well you've already been doing and why you're going to be able to take this coaching and get there through showing you this appreciation for everything that you're good at, who doesn't want that at all times? Exactly. And like you're probably constantly looking at like, how are our ratings for our podcast, right?  But if someone can bring you new information, right?  Now you know what to do more of. So yeah, exactly. I completely agree with you. You want all three kinds. When it comes to feedback, we've heard a lot of, I guess, you know, handed down advice, the compliment sandwich, and some tactics that we've all heard before and even makes us cringe when we think about it. But there is some science to back this up. And I would love for you to at least unpack the science behind giving effective feedback. And then we can delve even deeper into some of the concepts that we cover in the book, especially the idea of separating the person from the problem because I know that's something that I've struggled with as well. Oh, that's nice of you to say. So, A.G., let's talk a little bit about the feedback sandwich. You know, if we've got some managers who are listening in, they're probably thinking, oh, yeah, right? Feedback sandwich, that's terrible. That's the old bus. We're on the new, we're on the new and improved. That was the old way of doing things back in the 80s and the 90s. Actually, you know, and there's new data showing that the feedback sandwich isn't so bad. So what is, for those of you who are wondering, what's the feedback sandwich?  I know plenty of businesses that call it that. That's how bad it's denigrated. All right, so the feedback sandwich is this notion that you start with something positive or a compliment and then you move to your concern and then you end with something positive. So you sandwich in the middle, your concern's the problem, right? And for a while, you know, the way that people have done this has been kind of crummy because you say something irrelevant for the positive. You say something like, oh, it's such a nice day there in Riverside or in LA. And then you say, you know, I love your background. And then the concern is really, really focused and specific, right? And then you get back to some generic positive like, you know, you did such a good job this week and you're just like, that doesn't help me at all. But there's a researcher at Harvard Business School, Leslie John, she's a management professor. And this is, you know, I'm glad you guys asked about this. This isn't even published yet. So, you know, everybody who's listening is finding out even before the research has been published. What she's finding is that they manipulated in a research study, what came first? Do you get praise first? Do you get the concern first? What if you get the concern without any praise? What happens? And what they found is that when you praise people first, when you give them the positive first, but it's gotta be specific, right? It can't just be the generic, like I love your hair or whatever, right? It's gotta be really specific. But if you give them something specific first that's positive and then you move to your concern, people pay more attention to that concern than if you give the concern first without any positive praise first. She finds that what you say last actually doesn't matter. So the last piece of bread or the last piece of praise doesn't matter. But what does matter is if you start with praise, people will pay more attention. And it makes sense, right? Because if people say something specific and meaningful about what they like about your work, you're like, oh, this person sees me, right? This person actually appreciates what I do and they appreciate my effort here. And so now it's worth paying attention to what they have to say that there is their concern. So even though the feedback sandwich gets a lot of eye-rolling, there's gonna be research coming out any day now showing it's actually at least starting with praise before you give your concern is a good way to go. So it's the open-face sandwich is what we're calling it. That's right. We're talking about an open-face roast beef sandwich here. But I love that point about being specific on both sides because that is what we don't see often from managers and giving feedback is it's so generic and the positive and it's like you're just grasping at straws and then it's very specific in the negative. And of course it's tough to deal with that because you don't feel like that person has your back, has your best interests in mind. And you talk about this separating the problem from the person and there's really three ways to look at that. And I'd love to unpack it for the audience because in the book there's a great visual but I just now realize in managing over the last 10 years where I've had my missteps in this. And oftentimes as managers we too closely ascribe the problem to the person and we don't actually give them an opportunity to grow. Yes, you just captured it beautifully AJ. So like you said, there's a visual in the book but people have active of imagination so I'll just describe this. So imagine whenever there's a problem you've kind of really got three entities. You've got you the manager or the feedback person who's giving feedback. You've got the problem and you've got the listener. So imagine the problem at the very top and then we've got the you and then you've got the other person. So the problem, you the other person and the mistakes so many of us make when we're giving feedback is that we get really close up to the problem. So imagine now you've got you, I'm gonna give you feedback and I'm right up here next to the problem. The person who's listening to the feedback is way off by themselves, right? They're kind of lonely there at the bottom. And this is problem and this will happen all too easily if you've given a lot of thought. I need to give this feedback. I don't wanna give this feedback but I need to tell the person there's a problem. It's been bothering me for weeks. You've gotten really close to the problem up there. You were like, nuzzled up next to that problem whereas the employee has no idea any of this is going on. So by the time you bring up the issue that you've got a long list of like you did it in seven different meetings, right? You know, you can identify, you can itemize and the other person's feeling completely overwhelmed. They feel like they're on their own.  You, the feedback giver or the manager are really close to the problem and the person who's listening feels really isolated and on their own. And this is gonna make them really defensive as you can imagine, right? Because you feel like you're kind of ganged up upon. So the main time I see this happening is when people are reluctant to give the feedback they've given a lot of thought to it and they've spent more time with the problem and with the person. The other time this sometimes happens is when people have super high standards. If you as a manager or someone who's really strict about here are the standards that we have in this organization. I'm not saying high standards are bad but you've kind of married yourself to the standard and you're not thinking about the employee as much. A much better way to go is to align yourself with the employee and that means now picture instead of being up next to the problem you're down close to the employee and the two of you can look at the problem together, right? You're on the same side. You're not on different sides. You're on the same side and you're both looking at the problem together. And you know that you're doing this if you can say things like, so I've noticed that X happened or I noticed that that last deadline passed and I didn't see that you got your work in. I'm concerned about that. Now you're over here with the person like what happened, help me understand what happened when that deadline passed and you didn't get your work in until later that afternoon, right? You're siding with the person, not with the problem. So that leads to a couple of implications. One, bring up problems right away. Don't sit on them for seven weeks, right? Because you are going to find yourself nuzzled up next to that problem. Another thing is say things like I've noticed that blank happened.  Instead like I've noticed this about you. I've noticed this happened AJ. Can you explain that to me? So asking questions, right? It suggests I'm over here with you with the problem. I'm over here with you, the person. I'm not up here with the problem. Does that make sense? I know it's hard to picture in just describing it, but do you think that that was clear, AJ? Yeah, I think so. And I think in realizing this, we're really being their ally. We're not attaching this problem to their identity. We're not saying this person is a little bit like this or a little bit like that. We're actually acknowledging that, hey, this can be improved. This can be fixed. And I'm here to help you brainstorm fixing it. I'm here to help support you in the fixing it, not blaming and not shaming. And I know I've fallen into that exact pattern where I'm very conflict diverse. So I sit with the problem. I sit with the problem. I think about it.  So they're gonna want data and evidence. And all of a sudden, I'm sitting there so frustrated and the other person, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. The person hearing this feedback is now definitely gonna be defensive and frustrated and not actually work to solve the problem, which as a manager is the end goal here. Our goal as managers is not to just fire people. Our goal as managers is to solve these problems and keep things moving forward and growing. We're now finding ourselves at a place where no one wants to deal with conflict or having to deliver bad news. And we've been talking about this idea of the PIP, the Personal Improvement Program. And if you find yourself in one, you're not being coached up. You're usually being coached out the door. And with having strategies to give concrete feedback that people get excited about rather than cringing over, well, then it gives them an opportunity to learn Excel. And then of course, if they're gonna Excel and feel good, they're gonna feel good about what they're doing. They're placing the company, the work that they're doing, their communication within that environment. And you're gonna see them take on the role of trying to help others in the office. But if you see an issue, you refuse to talk about it and you send them to PIP, well, this is the third PIP I've been in in two years. I know what comes next. And of course, what comes out of that is low self-esteem, beating yourself up. How are you supposed to feel good about putting yourself back out in the job market when that problem that you have run into for maybe the third time could have been handled in the first place and you would have been able to find so much worth for yourself and the value that you bring into that environment.  First of all, often those people are surprised, right? At least with the first one. They're like, wait a second, I thought I was doing fine. Where is this coming from, right? So that's really stressful. Research shows that about 24, somewhere between 24 to 26% of the time, people are surprised by the feedback that they get. So on the good side of that, 75% of the time, roughly people aren't surprised. They know that their work was subpar, but when it's that one out of four times, when it's a surprise, and you thought you were knocking it out of the park and you find out you weren't, oh, you were crushed, right?  So that can be really stressful for people because it reduces your trust in the organization. What else aren't people telling me? I mean, there's so much that goes with that, right? The other thing that I find really fascinating, there's research again out of Harvard by Sharer and Swab, or as the research team, what they found is that managers tend to sugarcoat feedback. They don't realize they're doing it, but what they found is the worse the news, meaning that the lower the employees, the performance that they were doing, the more managers sugarcoated, right? So this is really frustrating because if anything, if you're underperforming, you want your manager to play it straight with you, right? You need clarity, of course. You really need clarity, exactly. And to find out that, and you can, if any manager who's tuning in right now is like, oh, that's easy to say, Terese, but it's really hard to do, right? Somebody's underperforming, I wanna soften the blow, but that's so unfair to the employee because you're monitoring that, you're keeping track of the fact that they're underperforming, and you're probably making little ticks in your mind, they're like, nope, again, and it happened again, and it happened again, and it's gonna just lead up to the pip that we're talking about. So it's hard, but we need to stop sugarcoating our feedback. I think a big part of this as well is recognizing the growth mindset and creating an environment that supports a growth mindset. And I would love if you could speak for a minute about that, especially when you feel that you have a team that might have a fixed mindset and might not feel that they can grow in these areas. Obviously, appreciation goes a long way and feedback gets us there, but as managers, we need to recognize that every single person in the organization can grow, and it's our job to be that fertilizer to help them grow. Yeah, I'm a big fan of the growth mindset. Have you guys talked about that on your show before Carol Twain's work? Quite a bit. Quite a bit, okay, great, you're on board. Yeah, so the growth mindset is really fascinating. If you're a manager or a feedback giver, there's fascinating research out of University of Texas. I love research, so I'll keep referring to it. We love it too. You love it too, okay, great. There's fascinating research out of University of Texas showing at Austin, showing that when managers take a growth mindset towards their employees, their employees, they might not call it a growth mindset, but the employees will feel that their managers have hope for them, right? If your manager believes that you can change and improve, you'll feel it in their feedback, right? There's nothing specific. Of course.  And so you have hope, like I'm willing to listen to you. And so what they find is first of all, managers communicate if they have a growth mindset, and they're more likely, and the big statistic there is that they're much more likely to give feedback if they have a growth mindset because it's worth their time, right? If you believe someone will change, you'll actually give them feedback. So first of all, managers that take a growth mindset are more likely to give feedback, and employees, when they have a manager who has a growth mindset, they're more interested in their manager's feedback.  It's a win-win for everybody. Terese, there was somebody's name that you had brought up, Carol, who? Carol Dweck, Dweck. Okay. Yeah, she's the one who has popularized this notion of a growth mindset. So yeah, she's out of Stanford, and her work is primarily in education, but a lot of people have applied her work to the workplace. Anyway, she's great. Yeah, well, one of the things that really stood out for me, and I've realized is one of my faults over in management, is not just clearly stating my intentions. So I feel that I'm a great person. I feel that I'm being a supportive manager and I really want the best in my team, but I don't often articulate that. And you talk about in the book how important it is to state those intentions as a manager of what you would like to see for your team members and being clear about it, not assuming that they already know, even if you feel like, well, I've created an environment that this should be obvious. Of course, my intention is for them to grow and feel good. So how can we clearly state those intentions to be more effective managers? I'm glad you bring up this point, AJ. This is one of the things it's so often for us to skip because as you say, it feels obvious that we want good things for our team members, right? We want good things. We put a lot of time into helping people. We put a lot of time into looking over their work. However, research shows that people, employees tend to assume bad intentions on their managers, not good intentions, people assume a lot more bad intentions than good intentions.  You can't stand that I know more than you do, right? I mean, there are like so many, so many of these attributions that people make. And what's really fascinating is that people don't tend to make positive attributions. They don't tend to tell a positive story, like, oh, my manager wants good things for me. People don't tend to tell themselves that story. They don't only tell them to tell themselves the negative stories. So you, the manager, need to insert those positive stories. You need to be saying things like, I want people to see you as the expert that you are. You guys have done over 800 podcasts. You know what you're doing, right?  So if you state your positive intentions, then people now can tell themselves a different story. They won't fill in the blank for your intentions and make them negative. So this is just, I've got to admit, it feels artificial. When I do it in feedback conversations, it doesn't come naturally. It feels like I'm doing a little script, right? But things that I'll say would be things like, I want good things for you. I know you're working really hard and I want other people to see how hard you're working.  These are just really simple things that you can say before you give the bad news and what Leslie John and others have found is it softens the bad news. People are more receptive. They like you more as a manager if you say your good intentions out loud. So again, it might feel artificial. You might have to do some searching, right? You might have to be like, what is my good intention here? But it's really worth the effort. When we talk about this, we're all storytellers. We have this need to take data and turn it into a narrative for ourselves. And it's very important as a manager that you don't just give disparate dots of data and let your staff members, your employees, fill in the blank because as that science shows, not only do we hold onto negative feedback, more than positive feedback, but we also default to those negative intentions even when they're not there. It's a mirage but we have to manage that in our communication. It's, I really like your point about holding on to the negative stories. I think so many people think that praise is irrelevant because we only remember the negative things that our bosses have said to us, right? But there's some of that comes down to cortisol, which I know you guys have talked about on your show before. When you feel stressed, those cortisol stays in your system longer, you ruminate longer about the negative things. Whereas when you hear something positive, you don't get the chemicals that hold onto that memory. But it just means it makes it all the more important that you've got to be giving that praise because people don't hold onto it as long. You've got to be repeating it. You've got to be saying it out loud. And I just hope if there's one message to take away from this podcast, there's lots of great things we talked about, but saying your positive intentions, helping people change the story so they connect a different set of dots and they create a different picture for themselves. That would be a great takeaway. I don't think a lot of people respect the power that their emotions have over their view or lens of the world. And in fact, I almost see it like a Salvador dolly painting. I think like the one of perception of time where the clocks are melting and everything, where if your emotions were flat, you were fine. You would see the clocks for what they were on the wall and hanging up, but all of a sudden, you get told some bad news and now they're all melting and dripping. And I like to use that as an example of this is what you're seeing when your emotions are flared up. How do you expect to work through whatever it is that you need to feeling that way and to give it some time to pass over so you can look at a problem, whatever issue you might be having through a better lens?  Have you seen any stats research showing how long that transition lasts? How long before you come back to a lens that has given you the opportunity to see things clearly rather than that distorted drooping look? Such a good question. So I first of all, I just want to say I love the image of the Salvador dolly painting, especially because like you said, there are all these drooping clocks. And for me, I especially love it because one of the things that happens when we get stressful feedback is I don't know if this happened to you, but like I remember that moment so clearly. It's like time stopped, right? You like picture where your boss was, you remember where you were sitting, you were just like everything stopped for a moment. Those memories get imprinted deeply. I don't know in terms of what the lag time is, I know for myself just thinking about personal anecdotes. There are moments where I got feedback 30 years ago and I can still relive the conversation. At least is he now, right? It's like. Yeah, same. All right, we're always in your hand on that one. We've all had those moments, right? At least we have a video that we think represents what really happened then. So I don't know about time course in terms of how long those happen, but we've all had feedback that sticks with us and resonates for a long time. In terms of how you might be able to change that moment, so first of all, telling the person a different story. Here's why I'm telling you this.  Tell me that she didn't think that I could write. And I've now written three books. I can definitely write, but at the time this was very early in my career, that feedback really stung, that really hurt to hear that I couldn't write because I really wanted to be able, in fact, as a little girl, I wanted to be a writer. So to hear that I couldn't write was crushing, but you know what she said? You know what she said that really helped? She said, I want good things for you. I want you to be happy and right now you can't write. If you wanna be happy and write, you need to learn how to do that. So the fact that she wrapped it in this good intention for me made all the difference because now I could hear, she wasn't just saying this to hurt my feelings. She wasn't just saying this because she was ignoring my abilities. She was saying this because she cared about me and she could see that I was going down a path that I wasn't gonna be successful on unless I gained a new skill set. Yeah, I love that. I think that's incredibly important. I'm so glad that you had brought it up in the book and people take it for granted. They think they've stated it a hundred times, but much like an advertiser, you have to beat people over the head for them to completely understand something, especially if you're about to pull the rug out from under them. Especially, yeah. It's so interesting that we ascribe good intentions to ourselves, but we default to ascribing negative intentions to those who are giving us the feedback. And I think that that loop that's happening there creates an opportunity for us as managers to clearly state those intentions repeatedly. And you talk about in the book, a simple way to do this is recognizing we strengths. And I had never heard of that. And I'd love to discuss the difference between we and me strengths because I think the we strengths, especially with that lens, it's so powerful in a team environment. And especially when we tend to only really get feedback once or twice a year in a formative manner, then those are dreadful times for a lot of us who are employees who are like, I know it's coming. So what are we strengths versus me strengths and how as managers can we recognize those? Cause they're so impactful. Thanks so much for asking about those. So actually I made up those terms, we strengths and me strengths. So that's why you haven't heard about those. That's why this is the first time. And you're the first person to ask me about these. So your podcast is debuting me strengths and we strengths. I love it. You heard it here on the art of charm. Yeah. So me strengths and we strengths.  So perhaps doing interviews gives you energy. That would be something that I might expect as a podcast host. For me, writing gives me energy. So if I'm feeling low in energy, I can spend an hour writing and my energy will come back. Whereas a we strength is different. A we strength is something that makes the team stronger. So for instance, I've seen people who are really have a lot of confidence and that confidence makes everyone in the room feel more confident and that becomes a we strength. Even if for them feeling confident is just like a natural part of who they are that it doesn't make them feel necessarily better. But it gives everyone else in the room confidence because their leadership is now shining on everyone. So a we strength makes other people stronger. A me strength is something that gives you energy. And like I said, they can be different. I've worked with people who have, like I said, you might have confidence that helps the group or maybe your me strength. I know someone who loves to work on PowerPoint. He loves to like craft design and like really get into the fonts and the imagery. He spends a lot of time on that. Does it help the team? Not really, but it makes his day better. And he'll be much more productive on a day that he gets to play with PowerPoint design. So the notion here is that people need some time to spend on me strength. You get your energy from doing things that make you good. And the we strengths are things that the team needs you to be doing. The team needs you to show that confidence. So if it's a day when you're not feeling confident you've got to dial that up because the team needs it from you, right? So the notion here is that as managers we need to praise we strengths. We need to say to people, when you did that in that meeting, everybody lit up. Everybody paid more attention when you said blank, right? Those we strengths are things that need to be praised. Me strengths don't need to be praised so much because that already gives the person energy. If it's something that that person enjoys doing, it's kind of nice if you notice it, but you really need to recognize those strengths that help the entire team. And for me, the really important part there is giving that person clarity as to how they fit in to the team's goals and allows them to see the bigger picture outside of themselves. Because I feel like a lot of times we can feel like we're on an island and not realize just how our behaviors and our strengths are impacting the team in a positive way. And we don't often get those pads on the back in a team environment as well that allows everyone to see how we're shining. And I think it's so empowering as a manager when you could bring that to the forefront on a regular basis, on a cadence that allows everyone on the team to see how we're all rowing together and how each one of us individually is important to the team and those goals. I'm so glad that you bring that up because what you're underlining is that we need to not just say you did a good job, but you did a good job and it had this impact, right? And that's getting back to your point earlier about connecting the dots. All too often we know our little dot, but we don't know the impact that we had.   One person that I interviewed had the impact he was working in a tutoring center and he helped a young girl get, her mom was gonna remove her from the tutoring program. He talked with the mom, he convinced the mom to get back in the program. So for him, he was like, okay, that was a successful phone call, yay, you know. Moving on, moving on to my next phone call. His boss, however, would not let it go. She kept coming back to this and meeting, saying you were the one who made the difference. You kept someone from becoming a statistic. You're the one who makes this team better and it made him love the job so much more because she kept talking about the impact. He was focused on the one person, she focused on the bigger impact and that's what we can do as managers. We can connect the dots for people. And that creates motivation, right? That's what I think is the missing ingredient in a lot of this. When we talk about feedback and when we think about giving feedback, oftentimes it demotivates. It demotivates us. We dreaded it and the person receiving it isn't receiving it well and it could demotivate them and those we strengths and highlighting them, I feel, have a huge impact on personal motivation and team motivation. We talked earlier about being conflict avoidant and I think it's one of the reasons that people don't give feedback is they're afraid they're gonna crush someone's soul. They're afraid that you're not gonna get on your Zoom camera the rest of the week if I say the thing I need to say to you, right? We're just worried about that, yeah. And if you can frame your feedback as, I wanna make sure that people come seek your opinion. I want people to see you as the star on the team.  Let's say I'm saying this to Alex on the team. Alex, you seemed unprepared for that meeting this morning and it's going to make people slower to seek your advice in the future, right? Now, Alex is like, oh crap, I gotta make sure I'm prepared for all my meetings. Like I want people to seek my advice. That's important to me. So letting people know their impact, especially letting people know the impression they're making on others will really, we all care about the impressions we make on other people.  So that's another key element of this. Let people know what impression they're creating and they're gonna be motivated to get, to line up with you and change their behavior. You brought up a point in the book that I think a lot of our audience will really enjoy hearing about and I know that a lot of the guys are and certainly because the guys are, the ladies are as well and this is where men and women have this tendency of not hearing each other because we're not listening to each other in the same manner. And you brought up two different types of listening and I think that we should define those so that those of us who prefer one can understand that there is two and what we might be able to focus on to better help with those listening skills. This is such an important point because we don't often think about different types of listening. I mean, we might talk about, we might say active listening but really when most of us say active listening we just mean really, really good listening. Right? Right, like are you listening or not? That's it. But we do know that there's different types of listening, right? If you're listening to someone present three different marketing strategies you listen very differently than when you're listening to your best friend tell you about why she's breaking up with her partner, right? Those are different kinds of listening, right? So yeah. I would hope. You would hope, yeah. Don't want critical listening with the friend. With the friend, you would hope not, no. So you've just used one of the key terms, AJ. So one of the kinds of listening is critical listening and critical listening is like when your BS detector is on, okay? Your critical listening is when, like you would do with the marketing team when you're listening to three different pitches. So critical listening is what's, which is the best idea? Is what you're saying consistent, right? A lot of us do critical listening especially with our Xs. We do critical listening with our in-laws, right? You're constantly looking for the inconsistencies in the message, right? Well, every man has had a conversation with a significant other where she has said you are not listening, but he's like, but I can repeat everything that you just said. So what are you telling me that I'm not listening? I feel like you've had that conversation, Johnny. Couple, couple times. Well, you know, so, so there's a different thing going on there. And this is no commentary on your relationships, but there's, there's actually different kinds of memory and there's one kind of memory called sensory memory that lasts for just a couple of seconds. And basically this is like this little storage bin where you can completely not be paying attention, but you can basically hit rewind and play the last three seconds of whatever you heard, right? So sensory memory allows you to like have your mind on something else. But if someone says, Johnny, you're not listening, you can like hit rewind. Yeah, last three seconds. Last three seconds. I got it. Even though you're, you know, if, if this person were someone that you were feeling warm and fuzzy about, you would probably admit like, now I wasn't really listening. Well, if you're listening to somebody to solve their problems, you're listening critically. And when this other person just wants to be heard and have somebody to be empathetic with that person, rather than trying to solve the problems. So the minute you're like, well, here's what you need to do. You're like, you're not listening to me. I don't want answers. I don't want you to solve my problems. I just want the vent and I want you to be in this moment with me. So well said. So that kind of listening isn't critical listening. That's called relational listening. So, or you might call it empathetic listening if you like, but psychologists call it relational listening. And the idea here is not listening for the purpose of judgment, but listening for the purpose of empathy, right? I want to understand where you're coming from. And this is gonna be true in relationships, your personal relationships, but it's also true in your relationships at work. You might think, oh, relational listening is just for at home or with my friends, but relational listening is crucial at work. So let's say Abby comes to you and is like, I'm gonna have trouble meeting Friday's deadline, okay? And you're counting on Abby to meet Friday's deadline. So you could get out your BS detector and do critical listening and think about like, well, why isn't, you know, why is Abby missing this deadline, right? That would be critical listening. But what Abby really needs right now and what you need to be doing is relational listening, like figuring out, okay, from Abby's perspective, why isn't she gonna meet Friday's deadline? What obstacles are you running into? You know, a question I like to ask is, if you could wave a magic wand, what three things would you change so that you can meet Friday's deadline? Because all of a sudden now you're on Abby's side, right? Now you're problem solving with her. And she can say to you, wow, and now she'll brainstorm with you. What are the three things that I would change, right? And all of a sudden you've opened up a pathway so that by the end of the meeting, Abby's like, okay, maybe I can meet this deadline. And you did that by relational listening, taking Abby's side, getting back to what we talked about earlier, you get on Abby's side, which is beautiful. But also you're asking the questions from Abby's point of view. What do you see? What do you see that I don't see, right? Let me help you. And, you know, maybe you need to have the conversation with Abby down the road around like, okay, Abby, so I'm really concerned someone at your level should be able to meet these deadlines, right? But that's not the conversation to have with Abby. No, exactly. Now, you bring up a great point here. In order to either critically listen or empathetically listen or relational listen, we need to be asking better questions. And I feel that as a manager, that really is the secret sauce is understanding that in order to get to the solution and allow the other person to feel good about the solution, it's not us dictating the solution. It's us actively brainstorming by asking better questions to get a level deeper, to allow that person again to feel like we're on their side. So how as managers, can we ask better questions to get better results? I'm glad you raised this. There's a management professor in at the University of Jerusalem, Avi Kluger. And his motto is, listen first, feedback later, right? Listen first, feedback later. And if you ask, and you might be thinking, well, what am I gonna listen to? And AJ, you've just captured it, ask questions. Ask questions that you want the answers to, and then you get a chance to listen, right? And for some managers, this takes a lot of practice. Some people are natural question askers. Others just wanna get to their point. One person, I love her strategy for this. What she does is if she's got a piece of advice that she's going to give, she wants to give in a meeting, she writes down that piece of advice on a piece of paper, and she turns over the piece of paper, and she writes down at least two or three questions. For every one piece of advice, she needs at least two or three questions that she could ask before she gives that piece of advice, right? And this slows her down so that she's, if she asks those questions, what she often finds is she's got different advice by the time those questions are answered, right? So asking questions can really, now you're gonna give better advice. So what kind of questions could you ask? You could ask, what problems are you running into? When do you see us running into this problem again? Now all of a sudden, you've made the other person the expert. When do you see us running into this problem again? Brilliant, right? Because now they get to say, well, we're gonna run into it, I can see it coming in down the road in a month. But now you're on the same side, you're solving the problem together, and they're not gonna be nearly as defensive when you say, are you willing to try, and this is another, oh, a sneaky one, a real sneaky question. I like this one, yeah. I like sneaky, right? Sneaky's good. A really nice sneaky question would be to say, what would make you consider doing blank, right? So what would make you, what would allow, what would make you consider trying to get that done tomorrow? And they would say, well, what would make me get that done tomorrow? What would help me consider? Well, I would consider getting it done tomorrow if, and then they come up with ideas. But if you pose it as, what would help you consider this possibility?  Or you give the thing, the outcome that you want to see. You've asked the person to enter this thought space with you, and all of a sudden, now you're problem solving again together. So what would make you consider, or what would allow this to happen? Then they're again, they're problem solving with you, and you've inserted your advice in a really sneaky way. And you've allowed them to air those objections, because after we air those objections, we don't hold onto them as tightly. And sometimes we even realize, as we speak them, that they're really just not really meaningful excuses. They were something in our head that we were holding onto, but really are not roadblocks. So it allows for better investigation of what's going on internally for that person who's struggling to meet the deadline, who's feeling at conflict with their coworker, who has ambiguous instructions and doesn't know how to do what you ask them to do. Which I find is especially important when dealing with younger employees. And I wanna touch on a few of these nuances that you go into the book, because I think it's really important. We haven't really touched on unconscious bias, which is obviously very present in everything that's going on right now and what we're learning about ourselves. But let's first just talk about for the younger employees or staff members who are fresh on the job, who maybe don't have as much experience in communicating themselves, what their needs and wants are, and we're trying to get them to be motivated to achieve what we need in a team setting. It's interesting because I hear from a lot of managers' frustrations around their younger employees, right? And some people will say, oh my gosh, everybody wants a blue ribbon, right? Or like, ah, you know, I've got a millennial on my team and they want praise every week, right? So two things, first of all, it could be that there's a generational difference there. And I think that's just probably a valid point that younger generations are used to getting more praise on their work than perhaps we did, you know, maybe I think you guys are younger than me, but the point being that we might be frustrated that people right out of college are asking for more positive feedback and we're getting frustrated. So maybe there is a slight preference for more validation than what we're used to. But the second point is this, and I think this is important to think about, and that is that whenever you're young, you don't know what you're good at yet, all of us, right? All of us- The meat strikes, exactly. Yeah, you're not sure if you're meat strikes. You don't know. I mean, you know you were good in school, but you don't know what you're good at on the job yet, right, and you don't know relative to your peers what you're good at compared to what they're good at. You just assume if you're good at it, everybody's good at it, for the most part we do, right? And so I think all of us probably really would have liked a lot more positive feedback when we were 22, 24, 25, but maybe we just weren't bold enough to ask for it, whereas this current generation I think is. I think they're more comfortable asking for it. So one thing that I would advise is be willing to give that positive feedback because you're helping them learn what they're good at. And if they learn that sooner, they're learning their meat strengths, they learn, or they're also learning their wheat strengths. They're learning what they contribute to the team, right? You're raising their self-awareness, which is so key. Exactly. And inexperience, I think, regardless of the generation, I know we label things and we like to claim that it's different for everyone. Inexperience has tripped every single one of us up in our career, and we've all been on the other end of that. And as a manager, it's important for you to encourage them to go beyond their inexperience and learn those lessons in a more constructive and supportive way than leaving them to fend for themselves. And it is so easy to make fun and give the millennials a hard time. I'm Gen X, so I have that privilege. But the other thing about it is, and to throw my own generation under the bus, is we have gone on without finding ways to not take responsibility for things that we don't wanna be doing as Gen X. There is this whole thing of Gen X and the slacker movement. How can I just slide by without not really having to engage much? And I didn't like that cultural shift or movement. I found it, I just didn't like it. However, I can accept that that was going on. And when you have a younger generation that maybe is looking for feedback or trying to get some praise and we haven't accepted any responsibility and how we're gonna communicate or communicate in ways that allows us to be able to give feedback such as in the manner that you have laid out in this book, well then we have two parties that are not able to do what they need to be doing in order for them to get along and or bridge the gap that we need to in order for us to thrive together. I'm Gen X as well. And it's really interesting what you're talking about in terms of slacking. I think, we probably have some Gen X people who are thinking, well, I don't slack. But what's so easy for any of us to do, like one thing that I know that you guys talk about on this podcast is to what extent are we taking responsibility for our own actions, right? And it's really a tricky issue because we tend to get defensive when it's something that we've done wrong. It's always that, for any of us of any generation, it's external factors, it's not our fault. But when we're looking at someone else's behavior, it's really easy for us to see it as intrinsic to that person, right? And psychologists call that the fundamental attribution error. We slip up, you know, if I've got my arms crossed in a meeting, it's because I'm cold. If you, Johnny, have your arms crossed in a meeting, it's because you're standoffish, right? You're like, what? Right, right? We see the reasons, it's very different depending on whether it's our behavior or someone else's behavior. And so I think it's, and there's a lot of research showing that if someone's a member of an out group, so an out group means that they're not a member of our group, right? And we define out groups very differently. Out groups might be, are you a Southern Californian or are you a Seattle light like me, right? That might be one out group. But a really easy out group for us to all notice is the generational difference, right? It's really easy to, yep, I mean, because of the clothing, the tattoos, whatever it might be, right? Or you know, how people get to work, whatever it might be, right?  The generational differences are a real quick out group. And the research shows that we tend to, when we see a member of an out group, we assume that's just how they are. They're unchangeable, that's who they are, right? And so that I think is contributing to why we see that, why we look at someone 20 years younger than us and be like, and we just roll our eyes and we're like, oh no, I gotta put up with so-and-so.  Now unconscious bias, it's happening all around us. Some of us are aware of it, maybe we've gone through training at work around it, but it certainly colors how we give feedback and how we perceive feedback. And many of us don't realize that we're giving different types of feedback to different genders and the way that they're responding to it. So can you unpack that a little bit for the audience and how we can start to move beyond those unconscious biases that are holding us back? I really appreciate your asking about unconscious bias and gender because this is one of the reasons that I wrote the book is that there's growing evidence, some of it coming out of Stanford, some of it coming out of Harvard, coming out of lots of different respectable institutions, showing that men get better feedback at work than women. Now I'm sure there are men going like, I get crummy feedback, how can you say that?  Trust me, I've interviewed plenty of men who've received hostile feedback and they have their own scars from bad feedback they've received from bad managers, right?  But there's growing research that's showing that the same manager can give good feedback to men and then kind of short change women, even though they've got the skills to give better feedback, they're more likely to sugarcoat feedback to women, especially men are more likely to sugarcoat feedback to women, but women also seem to do it. And then there's also, even praise tends to be more specific for men. So whereas women might be told, research finds that when there's vague praise being given it's more likely to be given to women. So what does that look like? So vague praise would be like, you had a great year, keep doing what you're doing, you know? And you leave your performance review thinking, great, I'll keep doing what I'm doing. Wait, what am I doing? Which part do you wanna see again? And I know people who are bold enough to sometimes ask that and sometimes the manager will kind of scramble and look at their notes and be like, and you're like, oh, you don't even have something specific to tell me, right? And that's more likely to happen for women than it is for men. Men are more likely to get feedback saying, because of what you did with these three contracts, we got three new clients, three big new clients, right? Men are more likely to hear about their impact on business outcomes, on product outcomes, whereas women are more likely to just get the vague, keep doing what you're doing. I'm really impressed with your work.  Oh, that's a really frustrating one too.  Right, women are often encouraged to be team players. Men, you know, they might hear that, but then they get the specific impact of their team player status.  They want me to keep my mouth shut and they just want me to be quiet and not disturb anything that is going on. I can totally see how that can be misconstrued and I think as well, once again, we have a listening problem because you're inferring that you know how somebody is going to take this feedback and how they're going to interpret it. That's mind reading. You can't do that. What you should be doing is once again, relational listening to be able to decipher what sort of feedback this person is willing to accept and what they're looking for and how you might deliver it. Relational listening is so important, right? And we come back to it because if you can ask good questions and try to take the side of the person you're giving feedback to, if you can take the side of the employee, you're going to be so much more sensitive to what they need to hear.  Or at least we can see places for us to improve. And one way to get there is by asking more questions, you know, asking that question, how do you see it, right? All too often we assume we know how the other person sees it and we've got to get a little bit further away from our omniscience. We got to get a little further away of assuming, yeah, don't assume you're a genius. Like, assume for just this meeting, just this meeting, I'm not a genius. I have no idea how this person sees it. If you can go in and just leave that at the door, you're going to have such a better meeting with that person. I have to ask the elephant in the Zoom room question. Are there nuances to this new work from home and Zoom feedback? You know, obviously we're used to being in an office together and having more moments of praise and appreciation and just more time together. And now we're isolated on Zoom and work from home settings that's new to many of us as managers and as team members. What are the differences or are there differences in giving effective feedback when it is digitally versus in person? So we're recording this during COVID for those of you who are listening in 2025. We're on the other side. On the other side, someday we will be on the other side of this. I don't know when. We hope. But we're doing this during COVID. So Zoom meetings, Teams meetings, WebEx, whatever, your chances are you've got some web platform that you're using. So this is, I've got an article that's about to come out in Harvard Business Review on the negativity bias. So one of the things that we're struggling with right now is a negative, we always have a negativity bias. We tend to focus on the negatives more than the positives. We think more about the negative critical praise or the negative critical comments we've heard than on our praise, right? So that's natural. That's normal part of being a human as we have a negativity bias. But there's data coming out showing that we have a stronger negativity bias when we're under a lot of stress. And this has been a period of incredible stress for people, right? Because they're schooling their kids at home. They're not sure, you know, they see their company doing layoffs. Are they gonna be one of those candidates for layoffs? They're having to wear a mask in public every time they go out. They're not sure when they're gonna see their sister again. Whatever it might be, you've got incredible stress, right? And negativity bias goes up when we're stressed. So what does that mean as a manager? It means that chances are your employees are feeling are gonna be even more focused on your critical comments than ever because they're feeling stressed and we've already got a negativity bias. So they're gonna blom on to your negative comments even more than they normally would. So what it means is you've got to work extra hard to find the good things to say about people's work because they're, you know, so one thing it means is make sure that you're praising people because they need to hear it under the stress that they are. Secondly, you need to do more compare and contrast. So let's say that I'm giving you the feedback, you know, Alicia, your presentation yesterday, just wasn't as good as your other presentations that you've given. I know you can do better, okay? So let's say I need to give that feedback to Alicia. When you say that, you need to then clarify. I'm saying that yesterday's presentation wasn't up to your standard. I am not saying that you're bad at presentations. I'm not saying that we don't appreciate your work. What I am saying is that something seemed off yesterday. Can you help me understand that, right? So doing that compare and contrast, helping the person say, I'm saying this specific instance wasn't what I'm used to from you. I'm not saying that your work is crap, right? Providing that kind of clarity because it will help, it will prevent people from going, taking that negative spin because all too often what researchers are predicting is people are going into that negative nosedive when they hear critical comments. For us, you know, internally and anecdotally, when we moved to more remote work years and years ago, there were team managers, especially managers who had an increase in negativity by us simply because we weren't around each other. And we saw time and time again negative assumptions about people's productivity or what they were doing because they weren't in the room and visible. So I wonder how much of that is also weighing on what feedback is being given and also how it's being perceived as we're socially distanced from one another and not actually there to see each other working and engaged when we were in the office together. Yeah, it's interesting. I've been interviewing managers about what they've noticed working remotely and one of the common things they've raised is exactly what you're saying or at least an implication of what you're saying. And that is when you see one another all the time, you're likely to say things like, hey, nice job, I really like how you handled blank. And you just make that throwaway comment, but it's praise, right? Chances are those throwaway comments are the things that you liked, right? Or like, I'm so glad you made that comment in that meeting today. I was gonna say it too, right? You like affirm, I am glad you were there, right? Whereas with Zoom, the shortest meeting you can schedule on Zoom is 30 minutes, right? So we're not likely to like set up a meeting to say to someone, hey, I'm really glad you made that comment in that meeting. Instead, that comment gets, you never make that comment. You just skip it all together, right? And so it's one of the tricky aspects of working remotely is that we don't, those little drips of praise don't get said and we're used to hearing them and we don't even realize how much we value them, but they remind us we belong. I belong here, I belong on this team. And if you don't get those drips of praise, you start to wonder, like should I be looking for a different job, you know? Right. It's painful. Well, just think of all the time, the moments that we've taken for granted. The trips to the water cooler or walking through the hallway or going to grab lunch with somebody or having beers after work. None of that is happening now. And those, you may have not been talking about anything remotely important, but there was a connection that was being made that was being strengthened every time that you had one of those micro interactions with your coworkers. An investment outside of just work and one another in the team. Our last question we love asking every guest is what do you believe your X factor is? What has made you successful from a mindset or a skill set and how did you develop that? Such a fun question. What has made me successful? I come from a family. I'm Slovenian by heritage. I grew up in the US, but my, you know, and Slovenia is now on the map. Okay, so Seattle's not in Slovenia is what you're saying. We're not in Slovenia, no, no, no. Evidently a motto of Slovenian people is that we work hard, right? And this is something that I grew up with is that the biggest criticism you could have for anyone is they're good for nothing, right? That is the harshest criticism any one of my family can ever lay on anyone.  So I think for me, my X factor is that I believe in hard work and I can probably solve just about any problem if I'm willing to work hard on it. There are certain problems I have no interest in solving. I'm not interested in physics at all. But I've really been raised with this belief that if you work hard, I could learn it. Well, thank you for helping us solve this problem of effective feedback and making it our superpower. We thoroughly enjoyed the book and we're excited to get it in more manager's hands because it will be so impactful for all of our lives both during and after this pandemic. Thank you so much, you guys. I've really had a good time here today and I hope this is helpful to people. Absolutely.


What's going on, everyone? Sam here with Layton Sports Cards, Rick, 22, 23. Donner's Optic Basketball Hobby, Six Box, Half Case Break, number 28. Pick your team style, read off the list of our names on our teams. You've got Erin L with the Heat, Andrew G, Timberwolves, Bob H. Magic, Brad M. Pacers, Brad R. Pistons, Brian W. Kings, Brian F. Sons, Charles F. Nets, Ann Bowles, Christopher O. Sixers, Danny C. Thunder, Donald M. Blazers, Edward P. Lakers, Suki M with the Wizards, Eric W. Hawks, Garrett C. Raptors, Jeffrey H. Jeremy H. Nix, Joel E. with the Mabs, Anna Grizzlies, Kellen L. Celtics, we've got Kenneth H. Bucks, Lachlan B. Hornets, Minsou K. Warriors, Ryan B. Nuggets, Shigunori U. Clippers, Wendy J. Spurs, Rockets, Pelicans, and Cavs. Good luck, guys. Let's do it. All right, cracking one. So there are no sports on now. Are we just going to be sitting here with our fingers in our nose with no live sports? There's got to be baseball. There's got to be baseball somewhere. I mean, is baseball a sport? Whoa, chill. Jay and Ivy. Orange to $199, Spencer Dinwiddie. Moses Moody, $30 of $99. Nice one there for the Warriors on the Optograph, second year on it. Hold the gold of that recently. You can kill Houston, base. Knight, wait, Knight's Oilers, game six is on tonight? Isn't that on tomorrow? Keegan Ray. Hollow at KD. Is it? I'm going to do a dice roll. One, two, three, left, four, five, six, right. We'll go for the rest of the break, unless it's a gold or lower. In that case, it'll have its own random. It's going to be a one. Going to go to the left. So that'll go with AI. Oh, we've got a little beat tonight. Go. Or two full passes. Hello, Devontae Grant. At 10, what channel? Is it on ABC? Yeah, we don't get ABC. Dude, come on. Devontae Murray, green to $149. That game's tomorrow night. Oh, Randy is just spouting off false info to us now. Oh my, get this guy out of here. I think that's time out worthy for Randy. Oh, what is going on here? Here I got this. Jeremy Sohan. Line green shea to $149. Base, base, base. Fair. No, that's fair. Just as sad as you, fair. Chris Mullin, hollow, raining threes. I saw this hilarious tweet, dude. Yeah, it was hilarious. Hollow, Devontae Murray. So it's, it's like an article that someone goes, oh, gold. Gold, Mike Conley, 10 of 10. Nice one there for the Timberwolves, T-wolves. It goes, it was like an article like that had like a little description. It was like AI set to replace 300 million jobs in America by so and so year. So 79, Christian Wood. And someone, someone quotes it with a picture of Allen Iverson. It just goes, why is he doing this? It's pretty funny. It's like a nice bathroom. Let's go see him a minute.  And then there's another one. This is like a classic one.  And like before one of the elections. And Jeremy Sohan, rated rookie hollow. There's this, then this like this kid quote like replies to it and goes, I'm only like, I'm only eight years old LeBron. I don't want to die, man.  Another classic tweet. It's like, I'm only eight years old, man. I don't want to die, LeBron. Like I'm eight years old. I can't vote, man. Oh God. All right, we made it to almost 10 before we completely lost it. So that's, that's all right with me. That's true. That's very true. It's possible parents. Why is he doing this? PJ Tucker, pink velocity to 79. Basketballs, Franz Wagner, Jaren Jackson, Hollow, D-Poi, Jaren Jackson, Jr. Hollow elite dominators, Devin Booker, D-Book, Jaden Hardy, the rookies hollow, Jaden Ivey, LaRavia, Patrick Baldwin. Nice one there on the black velocity rookie. Congrats, Warriors, seven of 39. That's jersey numbered as well. Seven of 39. Very nice. Scotty Pippen, Jr. Rated rookie, Otto for the Lakers. Nice one there. Raining three, Sadiq the Freak, Baig, the Hawks, Christian Brown. Going left, Penny Hardaway, the magic. Slow rookie. Orange, Cam Reddish to 199. Blazers. Pat Conniton, base, base, base. So, Ty as Jones. Ty as Jones. Is James Harden stargazing to 49 for the Sixers. Ty Ty Washington, basketballs. Rated rookie for the Rockets. So, Benedict Mather and ex-Benedic Cumberbatch Mather, and that is for the Pacers. All right, again, guys, on the fly. Bowman, baseball, jumbo eight box case break. Ready to go. Random division style. That's all that we got left tonight. Thank you for selling out the rest of flawless. Got some Phoenix football up next followed by two boxes of flawless collegiate. Patrick Baldwin. Orange is Deandre eight into 199. Yeah, we use a Canon Vixia HF G50. Benedict Cumberbatch Oxford University. One really got to Sean the other night. Wait, what was it? Ooh, Jabari Smith. Nice. Rated rookie. Hollow autograph. Congrats on that one. They're Rockets. Here we go, Houston. I would look this one up. I'm not sure, to be honest, where that one's falling now. That's a potential, though, for sure. Andrew Nemhard. Jabari Smith, rookie. I think it's got to be close, though. Nope. It better be in the realm. What's up? Hollow, Paula, George. I'll still mag it. Okay. Orange. Kobe White to 199, I guess, because it's two days after this. That's fine. Chris Duarte, Hollow. Hollow, Ex-Benedict, Cumberbatch, Matheryn. Jamar, Lamar, Lavareson, Lamar. Steph Curry, Blue Dominators, two in 49 for the Warriors. Walker Kessler. Lime Green of Kobe White to 149 and base, AB. Yannis, Hollow. Jalen Brown, Hollow for the Cs. Photon, Kenneth Lofton, Jr., nice one there. Grats on that. Grizzlies. Throw that one. The big boy. Reigning threes, Hollow. Donovan Mitchell. Jalen Williams. Hollow, Nicola Jokic. Chat, Holmgren, rookie. Red, Isaiah Stewart to 99. And base, whoa. Oh, we have 2012 NT case break listed as well. Nice. I don't know what that's going to be. That's got to be on some night, right? Monday night, maybe? That was 16. It's on Monday night. What is that? One's Thursday, maybe? I'm going to go see what this is all about really quick. A lot of breaks for football. This is 2012 NT. Wednesday night, nice. I mean, I'm going to have it. Orange, Max Stroust to 199. Hang on the Kringleberry. Ooh, gold vinyl. Let's go, baby. Come on. Rookie. That is Cam Thomas, one of one for the Nets on the gold vinyl auto. Let's go, dude. Brooklyn, Charles F. Congrats, buddy. Uno de uno. Cameron Thomas to the Nets. That's nasty. Congrats on that. You did. You did call it, KJ. Yeah, Gorgeous Sig on that one, too. He took his time there. Red, Cody Martin to 99. Thanks for the sub there, Cody. Jabari Smith Rookie. Hollow is Dominator's Lebron. What's this, Moody Hollow? Raining three, Steve Kerr. Bama Tobayo Hollow. Let's go, dude. Good break we got going here. Ty Ty Washington Hollow. Walker Kessler. There's the basketballs, Aaron Wiggins for the Thunder. You get a hunch on stuff. Feel that. Jaylen Williams, J-Dubb. The rookies, Keegan Murray. Bruce Brown Hollow. Wendell Moore. Paul George Black Velo. Nice one there to 39. 25 of 39. Very cool. Congrats on that, Clippers. PG-13. C.J. McCollum Hollow. Chet Holmgren. Another Black Velocity. Aaron Gordon. There you go, nuggets. To 39. Let's go. Back to back. Black Velo. Left with Jimmy Butler. Oh, Jason Tatum, Raining threes. Fourth gold vinyl I've pulled out of this. No rookie, so. Pull the Luca though. I got a Luca insert. Regular base. And two autos. Well, technically, I guess a rookie auto, but a lot of coaching car. Pink Velo, Jason Preston for the Clips to 79. First name, last name. College University. Alcatete. There's Jason Tatum. Boys' State University. Jay Neive, the rookies. Again, guys, on the fly we've got three to go. Random division style that is. Hollow Elite Dominators. Deontay Murray. Hollow, Vince Williams Jr. Yeah, a lot of teams getting good color coming out of here as well. Another Black Velocity. Mike Conley going for that rainbow with the gold now. That's pretty funny. Orange, Chris Duarte to 199. THT. D'Anthony Melton Hollow. That is going to be Keegan Murray. Black Pandora. Redemption going to the Kings. Massive hit for Sacramento. Kings is going to be, where do we got the Kings at? Brian W. Let's go, Brian. Massive hits coming out of this half case. Pandora is the 35 or 25. 25. Yeah. Is that two autos in one pack too? No, right? All right, one box now, right? I don't think so. Caleb Houston. That's going to look insane, dude, with the Black Pandora with the Kings. Oh yeah, that looks really good. Jay Neive, you got a photon. Carl Anthony Towns. Nice one there. Oh, for sure. I'd say straight to grading as well for that one. Hollow, Zion. Grade the redemption. Yeah, right. Keldon Johnson Hollow. Keegan Murray. Dane. Basketball is Drew Holliday. Yeah, this is a fantastic case, dude. Especially this half case has been fantastic. We still got another box too. The rookie, Chet. You bet that's a Chet. D'Anthony Melton Hollow. Malachi Branham. Blue PJ Washington to 49. EJ Liddell Orange to 199. Kevin Love Hollow. Caleb Hollow, Yanis. Red, Ja and Lamello. That'll go left to 99. Orange, Evan Mobley to 199 for the Cavs. Hollow, Keegan Murray. Rated Rookie for the Kings. Colin Gillespie to 99. Dominator's Rookie Auto for the Nuggets. There you go, Denver. Colin Gillespie, Villanova, Legend. Ochaic Bajie. That's right, we did KJ. We followed you that exact same card, that Gillespie. That's Hollow, Kawhi. And Tramon will go with Kawhi. Still Spurs, Kawhi. Jalen Halyaduren. Blue, Cole-Anthony to 49 for the Magic. Paul George Hollow. Chris Duarte Hollow. Shade on Sharp Rookie. Raining Threes Hollow, Larry Bird, the Seas, and Last Pack. Pink Velocity, Jalen Williams. That's J-A-Y, Lynn Williams. Rookie for the Thunder to 79. Very nice, and base. Still a quick recap here, guys. Got Pink Velocity, Jalen Williams to 79. Black Velocity, Mike Connolly to 39, as well as Aaron Gordon and Paul George. Photon is kind of off in the junior. Patrick Baldwin on the Pink Velocity, or the Black Velocity as well. It's a Gold, Mike Connolly. So we pulled a Gold and a Black Velocity, Mike Connolly in one break. That's weird. Colin Gillespie, Scotty Pippen, Moses Moody, and now we have our Magged Cards. That's going to be Jabari Smith Jr., Hollow Rated Rookie Auto. We had Keegan Murray at Black Pandora. Signature, nice one there too. It's going to be the 25 for the Kings, and a one-of-one Gold Vinyl, Cameron Thomas, second year. Auto for the Nets. That'll do it for the break, guys. Thanks again for the fill. Up next is Phoenix.


My talk's a little less ambitious than quantum mechanics Are you allowed to say that it was it was a phenomenal talk I mean, can you can you imagine trying to distill quantum computing in five minutes? It was phenomenal, but ten Okay, okay, but Man, it was it was literally breathtaking so So, okay And so I'm here to talk to you about foundation DB Which is the name of the company that I work at I'm one of the co-founders and the name of the product that we're building And today we're making an announcement about foundation DB so The story up till now if you haven't been following it is that when foundation DB When we founded the company four years ago, we were sort of confronted with this Compromise this challenge when we were looking at database systems Which is do we adopt a no sequel database and get all of the operational advantages that the distributed design the fault tolerance all of that stuff Or do we go with a database that has acid transactions and transactional integrity and to us these seemed like Two things that we wanted both of them and so we founded foundation DB to build a product that combined those properties we did two and a half years of development in stealth and Then went to another year and a half in alpha in beta testing and That brings us to today almost over four years later Which we're announcing commercial availability of the foundation DB product today, so very exciting for our team. We've got yeah Thank you very much What we're bringing to market is the first commercial Distributed no sequel database with true high performance acid transactions so no sequel and transactions and We're also bringing to market the first no sequel database to offer true data model flexibility And this is really enabled by the transactional guarantees that are within foundation DB Those transactions allow you to build strong abstractions That let you build other data models on top of foundation DB's basic key value API We're also announcing today the business model for foundation DB in the licensing for foundation DB and Our number one goal is we all sort of know the database market has a reputation of being difficult to work with So our goal is to be the easiest database company in the world to work with so to that end The easiest thing in the world is free So what we're announcing it is an incredible free community license for foundation DB Which is unlimited in size of data Unlimited in number of operations per second unlimited in a lot of ways limited to six foundation DB worker processes Also unlimited in that you can use it in production So what we're announcing is it is a community license which doesn't just get you started with foundation DB It actually lets you run it in production in a meaningful fault tolerant configuration We're also announcing Flexible and transparent pricing for the product the pricing is $99 per worker process per month So that's the transparency the flexibility comes from this per-process licensing model by Licensing it not per machine or differentiating based on hardware specs or a lot of other Pricing techniques and just pricing it at this simple sort of flat rate per process It gives the user of foundation DB a ton of flexibility to actually deploy the product Whether it's in within their own data center or on the cloud or something else in sort of the way that makes the most sense economically for them and finally Foundation DB is building an ecosystem of what we call layers which I know is a generic term So come talk to us afterwards and we'll talk more about that But these layers expose a variety of data models of libraries and of integration with other frameworks on top of the foundation DB database engine One of the layers that we're especially excited about is we recently acquired another database company based out of Boston called the Keben technologies who's been working on a sequel database and by using the a Keben technology and The way that they have built that abstraction We're going to be able to deliver a sequel layer within the next couple of months to our beta customers that will Run sequel true transactional acid sequel on top of this no sequel storage engine The ecosystem also creates a ton of partner opportunities. So if you're interested, please connect with us We have seven members of our team here today I'm giving a panel and a presentation tomorrow on no sequel and acid and we also have a very cool demo at our booth. Thank you