Good morning and welcome to this synchronous session for the faculty development program on online and blended learning. We have been with you for the past two weeks and today and tomorrow is when we will have plenty of interaction, activities, revisions and so on. I am Sahana Murthy, a faculty member in the interdisciplinary program in educational technology at IIT Bombay and with me is Jay Krishnan here. He is also from educational technology at IIT Bombay and before we begin today's activities, I would like to do a floor transfer to Professor Fatak who is in Trivandrum right now and he will join us live from Trivandrum. Good morning Professor Fatak. Good morning. First of all, thank you IIT Bombay. Thank you to Sahana Murthy and Jay Krishnan for permitting me to address all the participants in Trivandrum. I would also like to thank Mr. Biju Varghese and Professor Rajesh Babu from Mar-Basilyas College for facilitating this. I can physically see so many participants which rarely happens when I am in Mumbai sitting alone. I am sure that there are thousands across the country and that is what excites me. In this brief inaugural address, I would like to re-emphasize a few points which have been stated time and again on many occasions. When we talk of technology and what it permits, it actually permits us to do two things. One is to scale up our efforts so that as teachers instead of engaging 50, 60 or 100 people, we can actually engage thousands of learners. The second, it permits us to use our time more effectively and therefore if you can call productivity of a teacher as measured by the number of learners whose learning is positively affected, then ICT is a great facilitator. A good example is what we are doing today. We started this from IIT Bombay many years ago. Today we have over 300 remote centers out of which 120 are so participating in this. They are more than 4,100 enrollment. Frankly, when I started on designing and offering this FDP, I was not sure that in a self-funded model how many participants will be interested in joining. I would have been happy if there were more than 1000 people. I wrote to ICT chairman yesterday that there are 4,000 enrollments and more than 3,300 active participants. Of course, we will know for sure at the end of the day today when the attendance, information, tickle, syndrome, all these things. Coming back to the use of technology, you will find that more and more information, more and more knowledge is becoming available on internet in the form of various digital assets. Earlier there used to be text tutorials, interactive quizzes, books. Now you have video lectures recorded. In fact, the amount of information available on the net is way beyond what any one person can ever completely comprehend. Coming back to individual subjects which we teach for each subject, the amount of information and knowledge available and not only proprietary but even open source is so phenomenal that no single teacher, no single batch of students can assimilate all of it. In fact, knowledge has always been extraordinarily large as compared to what we try to teach and learn in a particular course. The purpose of the system of education which defines the syllabus, defines subjects to be studied, defines timetables is to ensure that the basic minimum components of knowledge for that subject are covered properly by all learners. And that is how all of our degree programs are designed. However, conventional education where we engage our students in classrooms is not proving adequate given the first increasing number of learners and relatively less increase in the number of teachers available. I will touch upon a corresponding point. What should be the ideal size of a class? When we were in school, 25 students was considered a good number for a batch. And we came to college, we had 40 students. I remember my engineering college days in 1964 and in that particular year, the university increased the enrollment to 60 and many teachers were shouting at the system and at each other, how can we handle 60 schools at a time? I think today it is routine to have a batch of 100 or even 125 people and we don't crib anymore. In IIT Bombay, I teach some core courses where I have 250 to 300 students at what point in time the number of students become impossible to handle. According to me, the best teaching learning happens when there is one guru and one disciple and there are two learners who are already a crowd. Three onwards is the attention of the teacher gets divided. 100, 200, etc. are not numbers where teacher can meaningfully attend to every individual. However, is teacher meaningless than not at all? The teacher actually provides a facilitation or a mechanism for a large number of people to listen to a coherent lecture, think about that lecture and then discuss problems or do some homework, do some practice, give examples. That has been our model. But when information including lectures are available on the net, students would increasingly believe that the teachers should engage them differently. We have sessions on flip classroom.  Not many amongst us have practiced flip classroom. In IIT Bombay, there are more than 50 faculty members who routinely now give courses using the flip classroom technique. And what is that flip classroom technique? We are saying that there will be no lectures. Our lectures are prerecorded. Listen to the lectures at home, but come to the classroom to discuss problems. And essentially we run our class sessions as tutorials. We have found time and again, as many people in the world, that this engagement model is far more productive from a learning point of view. Everywhere it has been proven statistically by all surveys, by all counts, that students' engagement increases at least 100 percent more and students' learning improves 60 percent more. The same topic that we deal with. Unfortunately, this requires some extra preparation and a different style of handling on our path as teachers. And if we are not used to it, then we will never attempt it because we are all very comfortable doing the same thing again and again for which we are used to model. Since we at IIT Bombay and many others have benefited from these practices, we thought that this message must reach out to all our college teachers in the country. When I talked to the AICD chairman, he felt that it is so important that this kind of faculty development program should not only be designed and run once, but it should be run 100 times. His ambition is all 500,000 teachers of all professional institutions in the country should be trained in using ICT more effectively in this fashion. And he wants to get it done in three years. What you are attending, friends, is actually a history-making event. This is the first faculty development program of this kind. All of you would be apprehensive on what this FDP is. Some of you have participated in some earlier faculty development workshops related to pedagogy and effective technical communication. In fact, my colleagues Prasanna Murthy, Prasiddhar Iyer and of course the young faculty have been working on that. Based on whatever our learnings were, they have further modified the content to suit the spirit of this FDP. Namely, how do we empower our college teachers to use ICT effectively in a flipped classroom setting, where the lectures are not necessarily delivered by me, but they might be delivered by somebody else. All are prerecorded and I have to now expand on those lectures in a classroom engagement through my tutorial. Now, the easy thing to do, all of us who have done that earlier understand that first time when you do it, the effort required is about three times the effort required for preparing for one particular set. But once you do that, subsequent offering, the effort is less. More importantly, one can handle more effectively larger number of students in exactly the same given time. That's the advantage. Now, this FDP is not a conventional FDP of two weeks, which is all face-to-face interaction. That is how the workshop that we have conducted in the past. We also tried one week online portion and one week face-to-face portion. But this is a longer faculty development program. It's a four-week program of which we are saying almost three weeks equivalent is online, out of which two weeks are to be completed in ten physical weeks. And then there is to be a team effort, which is to be concluded after the ten weeks are over. The physical interaction we have planned over three weekends and I am aware that many people are uncomfortable spending their weekends attending these workshops. We have got several observations that can we change this Saturday Sunday to something else? We have frozen these Saturday Sundays so they are not changing it. There are a few people who may, because of circumstances, not be able to attend a particular day or a particular session. My request to them and to the corresponding workshop coordinators is that they should ensure that such people complete the tasks which are supposed to be done during face-to-face interaction immediately after the session ends. Suppose I am unable to attend, let's say at Mal Basis College today, but I should connect with my workshop coordinator, find out what transpired during those two days and do the exercises which I was supposed to do. Of course I will be alone and I should possibly connect with two or three other faculty colleagues from the same remote center who have attended that class and request them to help me understand what has happened. There is no shortcut to hard work if we have to empower ourselves in using technology proper. Of course there will be exchanges, but this is the mechanism that we have thought of. Another thing is this is the first time we are running a faculty development program directly under the ages of AIC. So far we used to run the programs under ISD, this is also the first time AIC is approving an FDP which is largely being run as most. All of us are watching therefore with rapidity as to what will be the outcome. The outcome depends on all of you. All the participants will decide how useful and effective this whole course is. I would also like to tell you one more thing. In all the previous workshops that we have conducted whether they were in thermodynamics or analog electronics or algorithms or whatever the people who conducted lecture sessions from IIT Bombay or IIT Kharagpur were truly great experts in their own field as well-known giants and therefore all of us could draw upon their expertise and their expertise. In this particular FDP people like us who are conducting this FDP are also learners like you. There are no experts. We have the advantage of having attempted to do things for maybe five years. Taksana Murthy has the advantage of having actually studied this formally and implementing it maybe for 10 years but other than that every one of us is actually just learning to climb this address and this journey has to be undertaken together. This is why you will notice that in this FDP I have designed last two weeks specifically to discuss collaboration and building collaborative communities. Earlier the collaboration did happen. How does collaboration happen within an institution? Suppose there are four teachers teaching computer programming, three teachers teaching thermodynamics. They will invariably discuss with each other, share notes, share slides, share question mark questions. That is the kind of collaboration that happens. Among the students collaboration happens when they discuss particular common problems. Of course there is also a slightly unwanted collaboration that occasionally happens during exam time where I look at my neighbor's answer book and give my answer but we are not talking of that collaboration. We are talking of meaningful collaboration. The future collaboration will be changed in two major respects. Number one, there will hardly be any difference between students and teachers. All will work together as learners with teachers knowing a little bit more than the learner. Exactly the situation that I am describing for this particular topic where we teachers are also learners. Second and most important the collaboration will not necessarily happen between students and teachers who are physically together in an institution. The collaboration will happen across the globe certainly for us across India and that collaboration is actually very very important because the people who are enthusiastic to respond to queries by others need not necessarily be part of the same physical enclave. They could be anywhere. When we enhance the number of participants in the community the number of collaborative sub teams also increases and the few people who are enthusiastic to respond to queries to come up with new ideas are heard and seen by all the people in that group. That's a great advantage. If some new experiment happens in Mar-Basilias College for example tomorrow ordinarily I at IIT Bombay will have no clue on what is being done here. However through collaboration using technology it is possible for all of us to know good things that are happening everywhere. There is one danger of such scaling up. Take our case for example there are four thousand participants. The most important component for such collaboration is discussion forum. I hope you have all seen the discussion forum. What happens is the first impulse of a new person who joins the discussion forum is to make a post. Hi I am Deepak Patel and hello good morning or welcome something like that. Now you suddenly get four thousand posts. Everybody saying hi hello how are you? Very nice but does it add value? Now suppose there are exactly 10 people who are raising some specific important points about the FDP itself. Those 10 voices are likely to be lost in a plethora of four thousand emails or four thousand posts. That means we all have to learn the proper discipline of using the discussion forum. Of course we should be able to say hello hi and so on but then we have to learn to add discussion forum threads differently so that people who wish to look at a particular aspect can directly go to that topic which probably may have 20, 30, 50 or 100 posts all related to that topic. I am just trying to mention a few important things which will be elaborating further when we discuss the collaboration and this collaboration will be discussed in multiple places and in multiple classes. In fact you already started practicing collaboration where all of you are actually participating in this endeavor using technology. Unfortunately not all participants have registered themselves for the IIT Bombay X platform. I notice as of today morning there are only 3,350 participants who had enrolled on IIT Bombay X. IIT Bombay X is the MOOCs platform which is scalable. That is where we propose to run all our multiple choice quizzes that they can be attempted without any problems on scaling. We used Moodle earlier but whenever large number of people start answering quizzes on Moodle you have a serious issue of concurrency problems and the Moodle crash. Moodle will of course be used for all your assignments and peer assessment as we have expected. But those of you who have not yet enrolled on IIT Bombay X I request you to kindly do so as quickly as possible because both platforms are required to be used for doing different aspects of this. As I have already said in my opening lecture earlier which has been recorded is that this FDP is not about enhancing your knowledge of information and communication technology although that will happen. The primary purpose is to learn how to use ICT effectively to enhance my value as a teacher in online and blended and that is the reason why the weekly schedule that you see is different from just the topics that were listed in the original list. We will of course be covering all those topics but the sequence in which we will cover them will emphasize right from day one the main objective of empowering ourselves with these actual activities. As I said there are several activities and several sessions. You should at the end of the FDP be able to be more comfortably handled Moodle as a teacher. You should be aware of what the MOOCs platform features are.  Unfortunately this FDP is happening when it's a vacation time that means you won't get an opportunity to practice what you're learning here but I will urge you to plan such practice in the immediately oncoming semester and new academic year. You may not do it with a flip classroom by teaching for the entire class for the entire duration but please do pick up one or two topics during the summer vacation where you believe that you can effectively use the flip classroom. Use either the prerecorded lectures on that topic from any experts anywhere on YouTube or you yourself can record your lecture. We'll have mechanisms which will explain to you how you can record your lectures, how you can record just the voice and slide through spoken tutorial methodology. It is possible to use variety of these techniques. I would like to mention a few facts even about this FDP as regards collaboration. I did mention that while all of us are eager to participate in forums such as discussion forum there are a few of us who are enthusiastic enough to go beyond just making a post which raises a question or making a post which answers one question. Such enthusiastic people look at what everybody is posting and if people are posting questions they themselves start answering. Ordinarily the answers should come from the backend faculty team at IIT Bombay but as you know the backend team consists not only of the faculty members but also of a large number of teaching assistants. Teaching assistants who are all research scholars and impact schools are supposed to monitor the discussion forum and answer all the polls. Sadly the TA team is just getting into play and therefore Satsana Murthy and my colleague Jay Krishnan have been answering most of the polls. What is remarkable is that there are a number of faculty colleagues from amongst the participants who have taken it upon themselves to answer various. It is my privilege to read out the names of few who have put more than 10 polls all related to answers to questions that have been raised by other people. I thought I would like to publicly acknowledge this contribution from people. There are of course many more who have posted eight or nine or ten polls but I am just reading names of more than ten. It is an arbitrary number. Dr. Subangi Girgavkar from LAD and Shri Mati RP College for Women in Nagpur. Mr. Mohammad Kami Ruddin Khan from Siddhatta Group of Educational Institutions, Ranga Reddy. Professor Punjarla Gauri Kusuma from Prakati Mahavidyalaya. Professor Manik Ghosh from Birla Institute of Technology, Meshwara. Professor Jati Nambasana from VH Dharadi College of Inging and Technology Rajkot. The last two names that I am going to give have done much more than these other people. Professor Payal Rahul Dande from SVK, NMIMA School of Pharmacy and Technology Management in Dhulia has posted as many as 28 polls answering questions. Last but not the least, Professor Jack Palsing Rana from Akman Institute of Management, Greater Noida has posted 122 polls. Believe me, he is better than us teachers who are conducting this. So thank you everyone and particularly thank you Professor Jack Palsing Rana. Someday I would like to meet you in Noida and personally compliment you and thank you. The point I am making is that in times now or such that there is hardly any distinction between teachers and learners. All of us are in this game together and many times as I have seen in last 45 years in IIT Bombay, Amti Nakhejan where I have learned so much from my students. Take this topic itself. The maximum learning I have had the opportunity to get was from my younger colleagues, Professor Siddharah here and Professor Rana. We have been working for last 10 years in education as a scholar. But do you know the person from whom I have learned most in last one month is the young director. He is not yet a professor. He is a research scholar. He is just doing his PhD like many of you young teachers here. But the amount of knowledge that I have learned from him is like rose guru for me. This is what I would like to emphasize strength. Please do not distinguish between yourselves and your students. All of us are in this game together. We have to learn from each other from anyone anywhere and there is no hierarchy in this platform. In this particular FDP I would like therefore to see a much more significant and focused contribution from all of you. Not only in doing things which are prescribed, doing things well, primarily so that you empower yourself and prepare for the coming years. But more importantly, try to build collaborative communities, small communities, sub-communities in your own domain, in your own area and do not be limited by the boundaries of your physical presence. Internet is there. Network is there.  Use this networking so that when we come to actually discussion on the building and nurturing communities, we would already have built a few communities. I think that is being facilitated because all of you are supposed to identify the domain in which you are primarily interested in working so that when we get the domains we can find, we can form actually the sub-teams of culture. Let me conclude by once again reminding you of the understaffed that this nation says. I have repeated this often and all of you would be aware of this demography and statistics. In 2011, there were 370 million Indians younger than 14 years of age. That was 2011. The leading wave of that demography has already entered our institution. The whole of professional education body of engineering admits only 1.25 million students every year. An equal or double or three times that number joins other colleges. And an extraordinary large number is deprived of college education completely. The next generation of India is going to ask us teachers, what did you do for us? And that is the reason why we have to go beyond our own call of duty, which is limited to doing well our job in the college in which you are into us. Of course, that must be done. But beyond that, each one of you, these 3,500 or 4,000, I call them pioneers, have to actually spread this word and help many more teachers in coming years, not only in engineering institutions, but in other colleges and later in high school. So that is where all our system communities are empowered to handle more and more learners more effectively. These numbers are daunting, but then this nation is showing a very various kind of resilience. It is another thing which I keep mentioning again and again, that there is no other nation in this world which is faced with the kind of issues that we are faced. For example, there is no other country which has so many languages. We have what? 25 or so scheduled languages and hundreds other languages. There is no other country which has so many ethnicities. There is no other country which has so many religions. There is no other country which has so many states with complete individualistic characteristics. And as an added attraction, we Indians specialize in fighting over each and every such issue and yet we have survived as a single democratic nation for all these years. That means inherently, there is some strength among us. It is possibly the strength of being simply good humans relating to other humans and identifying with one country called India. I think this identity should give us enough courage and enough power to ensure that we do our task with greater contribution than what we could do alone. Namely, use technology and use our colleagues as communities to be more effective. That's all I will say. Thank you so much. God bless you all. Thank you, Professor Patak for your kind words.


What's going on everyone Sam here late in sports cards ripping one box of 2022 Panini prism baseball hobby for Gary a Good luck here. Gary. Let's do it.  So I will be sorting them Not gonna sleeve every single thing right now.  There's a red Marcus Simeon reds not numbered in prism baseball And championship stage thinking crucial Literally watching paid programming right now and it's Tee Fee man There is some vet base. Have a Gilbert Flaherty Josh Lowe and Zach Thompson Tread Wallsteen glass one Soto nice blue mojo say has a zoo key to 199 That'll work on the Cubs color match. Very cool. Nice seah Ryan Feltner silver and Kyle Moore That is 144.99 for this one For the full hobby box tiles there base rookie base Jose Ramirez silver Byron Buxton and boba chef Yo help hoso on the rookie Louis seal as George Brett fearless Yachty red Manuel Rodriguez and Chris Brian see we got next Patrick Mazzica There's a Javi Baez up everything fell under green rookie nice Siri red Zach Gallin and fireworks jazz chisel and let me grab a basket really quick Burpees Next pack here Gary. Good luck buddy. Yeah bet doesn't ship in this Sometimes we'll do that depending on the product Sometimes like veteran base won't ship. It means anything here. I'll show you the difference So like this one has a rookie This one does not have a rookie right there So the ones without the rookie logo, they don't do not ship. We got Seth Romero Nice debut signatures for the Nationals first auto Hoy John Park silver rookie and Corbin burns But everything else does just out anything that doesn't Anything that is not a rookie or insert does not ship out of this. I'm green Yuli Gurriel That's gonna be to 125 nine out of 125 for the strokes We've got one Soto stained glass Not numbered interesting Kevin Smith rookie class Five packs to go here Gary. Good luck buddy. We just we donate them to kids We keep like a whole bunch. Let me donate like pallets at a time Sharon Durand rookie Matt Olson. There's a Josh low rookie auto Not numbered on that one for the race. How old am I? Fearless Lou Bob and sluggers Tatis I'm 23 Rios auto Lopez Jake Myers a couple of rookies there There's a Ryan valade rookie Juan Marichael Shadow, there's a Chris sale 39 out of 100 on the orange Nice one there blue Nikola Dolo on the rookie nice one there Gary and Rookie class Gavin sheets walk one out there Three to go here here Soon get you an extra auto out of this. Maybe there's a Bobby Whit rookie Nick new bar McGill nice Stephen Kwan There you go. Congrats on the debut signatures hit the Kwan, baby. Nice one there For the Guardians that'll work Gary. Congrats, buddy. Nick Allen and Corey seager pretty solid box We're working with so far. Yeah, the numbers say a Kwan auto See if we get anything else looks like we have an extra auto in here, too Like you're only guaranteed three if I'm not mistaken Clannaghan, there's McCormick Peter Lonzo There's no Neil Cruz rookie Riley Adams Lewis Marcus Simeon Fearless Greg Deekman that's gonna be 65 or 66 out of 75. I Am 23. I am 23 Shane AJ Alexi Silver and championship stage of Kunya Gabriel Arias nice one there as well Devers Strowman Fatih stained glass Ian at blue and an emergent the Grom that'll do it for your break there Gary. Thanks again for jumping in. We'll get those right out to you, buddy


Even if you take all appropriate steps to protect your safety, there's always a chance that sometime, somewhere in the course of your duties as a United States probation or pretrial services officer, you may become the victim of a crime. Or you may experience a critical incident, an incident that doesn't technically make you a crime victim, but affects you in much the same manner. One of the secretaries came towards my office and stated in an excited fashion that there was an individual by the entrance of the fifth floor that was on the floor that was apparently going through a seizure. So I went over to investigate to see what was going on. She exploded. After I told her that she had to report to my office the following day so that we could make these arrangements, she totally lost it. She had a file in her hand, she stood up abruptly, which startled me, and when she stood up she flung the file and all the contents of the file just flew in the other direction and she just began to rant and rave, and I'm tired of this. Who do you think you are? A Saturday night about approximately two weeks after the Russell shooting, my wife answered the phone at around 9.30. She called down to where I was in the house that someone was for me on the extension. When I answered a male voice indicated, well, first of all, he verified who I was. He said, are you Ronald L. Smith, the U.S. probation officer? And I said, yes. And he said, how are you? And I said, fine. And he said, well, you're not going to be. And I said, pardon me.  And I wasn't sure I heard correctly. And I said, what did you say? You're pardoning me.  As I was going from the government car to my car, I was approached by three black males, one brandishing a firearm, who instruct me to turn away from them. One reaching me, he grabbed me, he turned me around, being very careful, standing directly behind me so I couldn't see him. At that particular point, I went to my knees and tried to make the individual as comfortable as possible, very moving his jacket and loosening his tie and buttoning his shirt and just kind of holding on to him so that he didn't further injure himself from his constant moving. His body was shaking incredibly. His head was banging his head against the floor. One of our officers was killed by her husband when she went to family court to deal with a part of the custody and divorce issues that she was facing. So she left our office and went across the street to family court with the intention of coming back.  He then instructed me to lie down on the ground simultaneously, striking me over the head with a handgun. He then assisted me to the ground by pushing me, at which time he instructed me to spread my legs open and to push my hands out in front of me, at which time they removed one ring, a watch, my badge and the car keys to the government vehicle. I took the plastic object and put it in an individual's mouth and my hand at the time was about a half inch away from his teeth. During this period, he was foaming from the mouth, he was convulsing and he started to bleed a short time later. She had a positive urine testing for, I thought it was morphine, cocaine and morphine, but it turns out it was cocaine and PCP. And PCP is something that causes people to be very incoherent, extremely volatile. And it is something that if they are under the influence, their reasoning is they have none. Two of the assailants went to the vehicle and they ransacked the vehicle, looking, apparently as though they were looking for something, what I don't know. At that time, they then started the car and the gunman who was holding the gun to my head throughout the entire incident instructed me to crawl on my stomach from the back of the government vehicle towards the rear of my vehicle. Again, the two vehicles was parked alongside each other. They then backed out of the parking lot. It was a Friday afternoon, it was quiet in the office and my superiors, the people that are above me were out for the day. And a call came in and one of the secretaries had taken it and she said to me, Elaine, I got a call from a detective. It's about Danielle. I think she may have been injured. And I called the detective back and my first question was, is this about Danielle? Is she okay? And he told me no. And he explained what had happened. And then things just started speeding up. It was so real and vivid and going to happen that I was concerned that it was going to happen right then and it was going to be soon. And the first thing that we did was turn on the outside spotlights, pull out curtains, get my weapon, et cetera to try to get ready because it appeared it was going to happen right then. A short time later, I was informed that this individual was HIV positive. So then when I was leaving and I was halfway down the street and she followed me and she said if I attempted to report this, I could not hide in DC, Maryland, or Virginia. And I again squared myself off if she ran at me and her friend followed her. And I asked her calmly if that were a threat and she said no blank, that's a promise. So I said thank you very much. And I turned around and of course inside I'm like jello but on the outside you couldn't tell. Of course officers don't like to think of themselves as victims, they're trained professionals and they like to feel they can handle whatever comes their way. It's not generally in my nature to feel like a victim. I mean even when there are times when the car is stolen and you are a victim and I just don't, it's not the way that I think to think like that. And I keep saying this myself, don't let it get to you. And every time I would do that I would tell myself you're letting it get to you and I would become mad at myself. Well it's a kind of 180 degree situation, opposite situation because as a probation officer you're more or less in control and as a victim you have no control and it's not a nice feeling.  And even sometimes now I became angry at myself saying so he had a gun why didn't you do something you know. And I've said this to a couple of friends, they say you're crazy you know those guys had a gun. I said I don't care I still should have done something. I think what happened is it becomes more or less a fight with my attitude as far as writing saying thank God I'm alive you know it's like yeah I'm alive but I've lost my manhood because you know I've allowed these guys to just invade me and not do anything you know what I'm saying.  It's important that you be able to let yourself be a victim if in fact you are one. It's because when something bad happens to you it will have effects whether you want it to or not starting with the strong physical and emotional reactions you'll experience during the incident itself.  Of course my heart was you know just going for it.  Once I got to the safe haven I you could tell I was really like you know upset.  At that particular moment when I found out that this individual was HIV positive I was in a state of shock. It's hard to describe that particular feeling I kind of became cold my hands became cold and kind of clamby you know. At the same time I really couldn't express like I couldn't express what I was feeling. The only thing that I could do was like kind of like sternly tell her to lower her voice and I was upset with myself because when I did it my fingers shaking and so called everybody together and we have different offices so we had people from on annex across the streets and get those people up here call over to our Long Island offices tell the supervisor out there let him notify the staff and I was so intent on it has to be personal you know that I didn't think about what I was going to say when I got a hundred people up in the room that they didn't fit in and everybody was kind of pouring out of the room and I got up there and I looked around it at all her friends and her coworkers and I shook I mean it took a tremendous amount I just my whole body kind of shook. To have a handgun pointed at you not knowing what the person is pointing at you intent is and whether or not it's it's loaded you know you don't know and again your life just flashed before your face you know you could do you do is just hope and pray for the best. I just thought the worst-case scenario you know worst-case scenario which was that you know I was infected in my life is gonna change from this day on. You may also notice changes in your thinking about the world your emotional life and your behavior for days weeks or even months afterward. The first few nights I had difficulty sleeping I'd wake up cold sweat you know you're always almost literally looking over your shoulder waiting for this individual to do what he said he was going to do and you're especially initially you're always concerned that one of your family members is going to be around you when this occurs and for a long time after that you know when I would walk the dog in the community or I'd be out cutting the grass or whatever you know when a strange car would slow down or someone would come up to you you would always kind of tense up thinking you know is this it. For the first few weeks whenever we got dark even at home you know like you got dark and I forgot something outside and I had to go outside in an area that wasn't well lit I became real paranoid you know I took my gun with me. I don't know but when you know one question that popped up in my mind when when this all happened was why me you know here I am trying to help someone and and I end up having to go through a very difficult period.  I couldn't go down that street for a while that the incident that happened on I just this this happened in August of 92 I was just able to drive down that street February of 92. I've passed it a lot but in there were it's a you can cross through that street to get to other areas or other addresses and I wouldn't go down that street for a while and I was apprehensive even though she's incarcerated I you know you still say okay well she's told some people you know they might know my car and so you're you you have to you know I'm now more aware of that area because of what happened because you never know.  I wanted I wanted to retaliate you know I honestly felt I could have took on those three guys if they were bare-handed that's how angry I was I you know I was mad never that I said if they didn't have a gun I think I could pull three of them. It was almost like you know for a month or longer we held her breath you know it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop you just you just don't know when it's going to drop and I guess one of the jokes that we had at the time was don't get around Ron if a truck backfires because you know I would have probably pulled out the weapon you know. It's important to recognize that these changes in reactions are occurring and that they're normal reactions so that you can deal with them effectively. People cope and in different ways often what seems to help the most is just talking but you have to decide what's right for you. I spoke with my wife a lot about it. I found that it helps it helped me to talk to people about it. I just really called them just to hear their voice you know a kid has to hear their parents and I'm blessed enough to still have my parents so I called them and just wanted to hear their voice and you know just kind of let them know I had a rough day. The more people that I would tell this to if I decided to do so I would realize then that I would have to go step by step and again I would be living my anger my shock you know my state of being in shock and I wanted to kind of put it aside because it's not a short story. The older FBI had had death threats in the past and so he shared with me his feelings and what his family had done etc so that part was good because it made me understand that you know you're not the only one that this has ever happened to and obviously he's sitting there telling me these things so doesn't mean you're going to die and so you know that helped. Even though you know I should have gotten tired you know telling the same story over and over again I realized that that was therapy for me because I was speaking with people that I knew whether it be family members friends officers. Ordinarily by about six weeks after the incident most of the more intrusive symptoms and reactions disappear or at least become much less intense. Some effects may be with you for a long time though and that's normal too. I guess it was really six months or so before we more or less sort of started letting our guard down and where I didn't wear a weapon constantly and these sorts of things it's been approximately two and a half years and I'll honestly honestly I still don't know that I'm totally removed from that incident because I'm not as open and outgoing as I normally would be. Sometimes I get paranoid.  If somebody was to approach me you know how quick can I get rid of what I have in my hands you know or like if I'm in the field with my weapon and my hands you know how quick can I drop this stuff and get to my weapon if I need it you know before this person get toward me so no that's something that's still bothering me and I think about that. I'm always thinking how quick would I be able to react to an you know to an assailant that's rapidly approaching me. I passed by it I must pass by that station maybe 20 times a day and yeah a few weeks ago I was even the cop mission is right there so I kind of turns around to see if I can see any stains so yeah it's still it's still when I pass that error it's still live it you know in my mind. The incident kind of like made you sit down and say okay this is a serious job you know this is something that you really really have to be on your pews and cues about because this is you know it can change just like that things can happen just like that. It was had a great impact and probably more of an impact than the episode with Russell because when it's on your own ground you know it's one thing when it happens something like this happens at the office and you're somewhat divorced from it but when it impacts on your family and it's on your turf it has a much greater impact. Things that I would usually take for granted you know I don't anymore I mean I look twice three times to make sure you know that this is not a potential assailant I mean even even now even now. This kind of thing makes you very much aware of the fragility of life so that there is a sense of vulnerability. It changes your life it makes you think more about your own mortality it makes you more concerned about your relationship with your family and with others and it it changes kind of the way you perceive things as far as long-term goals you think more in terms of short-term goals and it's there it's been a change. Suppose one of your colleagues is the victim of a crime or experiences a critical incident of course you'll want to be supportive you'll want to listen when a fellow officer shares his or her feelings with you offer your assistance and give the person room to work through some strong reactions to the incident. What you may not want to do however is realize that what affects your colleague may also have an effect on you and others in your office. They were stunned but I looked around and just these somber stunned faces and then and it was like what can I do everybody's reaction was what can I do and there wasn't just a lot we had a lot to do and we did do quite a bit as the days continued but there wasn't enough for hundred people to do. People had nightmares I mean I had a couple of different stories of very odd and sort of nightmarish dreams from different people. Difficulty thinking about anything else. Some people focusing on the incident and specifically the moment of her death and what happened at the moment of her death. All different kinds of things. Some people feeling just very vulnerable and talking about safety issues. People talking about going out and buying better gun lockers for their home.  It's run the gamut in terms of the way that people have reacted. What becomes clear is that when one officer is a victim others in the office. Fellow officers supervisors and administrators will be affected too. For a period of about five weeks different probation officers from the field offices came and they were armed and they stayed in the office with me throughout the day and if we went out primarily I did not go out during this time to make field visits which was the first time ever that had happened but my chief's feeling is that I was more vulnerable out making home visits than I was in the office. Everybody had different suggestions so that somebody would call up saying Elaine what we what we need is we need black bands to go cover our badges so that is a sign of respect. Somebody took care of that. We need to you know take care of the plaque someone did that. We need there were just so many different things to do. The officers in the department were very very supportive not only my friends that everyone builds friendships in their office place but the officers that I didn't know as well as others came up to me and showed their concern and supportiveness you know of me and that that was good. It made people feel better when they were able to contribute to that effort so that and that had to be done and it would have been too easy to just take over and do everything and that would be unfair to the people at one of her good friends. We made sure that he had an opportunity to write the memorandum I guess for the news and views and to go out in their office. You know that was a good thing to do he was a good friend of hers and needed something to help him focus so that he could do something for her and so everybody kind of did something in the office and everybody wanted to do something. Just as individual officers must take steps to cope with their responses to victimization so must organizations. Chiefs and supervisors should take prompt active steps to counteract the potential effects of a critical incident. Of course there's no formula for the right response in any given situation but it's always better to do something than nothing. Upon hearing of the incident my meet again my media supervisor just brought me to his office and and let me speak and and he he was concerned you know he was concerned about my well-being at that point not only with the incident but how I was reacting you know the fact that I really wasn't reacting. Even my supervisor which I was even on guard you know as to what that reaction would be was very compassionate and very understanding and extremely outreached very supportive so that that helped a lot. There was an issue of when and how to reassign her work. I mean it's a simple a simple thing but it became an issue because it was okay well we don't want to give it to this person because this person's too good a friend so we'll assign it to this person because maybe it'll be easier for them to do it because they're not and then her friend say why didn't you give it to me I want to do it it's something I could do for her why are you giving it to this person who doesn't even know it's like you know here you think you're doing the right thing here you're trying you know do this and you know let's reassign it to this person rather than this person to try and be sensitive to their needs and so yeah there's there's just so many things that too that come up. The next day because I wasn't able to get my supervisor called me the chief called the deputy chief so I started getting phone calls you know from co-workers so I felt good about that because there it is you know at least I know my co-workers you know were concerned. The following day when I started work my meeting supervisor came in with my chief and they both sat down and kind of spent a good portion of the morning with me and expressed their concerns and you just try your best and try and figure out but the best thing is to do is just be straightforward and honest about it because we don't know what to do either we're all kind of struggling together and let's let's try and do this together I was trying working out together at one point when I was doing the notification to the staff so I said what can we do it's like take care of one another you know be good to one another that's what you can do right now with support one another that's what you can do so but yeah I don't think that there's any any manual that will tell you exactly what to do or how to do it correctly in this kind of a situation because each one of them is different each kind of critical incident situation is different at this point you may be thinking all right then if I'm a victim I'll admit it and deal with it but that won't take me very long I'll get myself out of victim status and back on track in no time but consider a phrase that's been used in other contexts the only way out is through I think basically what happened though by continuously playing the event over and over in my mind and each time realizing that if you wanted to live there is there was nothing else you could have done now if you didn't care about yourself or your family if you wanted to die then you could have done basically whatever you wanted to and be you know and be a dead hero you just you go through it just thinking about what happened and you you do think about okay well what if she did hit you you know what if she you know came at you when she ran out the house or you do kind of you try to go over and say well could I have handled this differently could I have you know because you something like that when you don't expect it or when you you didn't see a comment or whatever you try to you always I think it's human nature to try to could I have done this differently could I have said this differently could I have reacted differently and I even thought at some point of blaming myself for you know why do you have to jump in you know what caused you to jump in and and help this individual you know and that's what I after analyzing that real I realized that that's not I don't I don't want to be that I don't want to be the person to blame you know and also realize that the situation happened again I would continue you know hope to react to help the individual or whatever the case may be so you talk it through and you think it through so much that you kind of are able to put it aside and you feel comfortable putting it aside because you've looked at it every way you can look at it you know up down in the sideways you've talked about it you've remembered and you kind of just put it aside once you've become a victim there's no easy way out the best and fastest way out is to go through the process these officers have discussed admit to yourself that you've been victimized recognize what your reactions have been and take whatever steps you need to cope with those reactions involve your colleagues and your supervisors and seek professional help if you need it and be open to positive changes that can come out of the negative experience remember the only way out is through now I I feel as though I handle it the best way possible could just point there is no blame in my mind I just react it and this situation occurred and just kind of go forward I can't say what confidence oh yeah I can get through everything but it does make you feel really good about yourself when you do handle something like this calmly with a good head on your shoulders and you're able to assess the situation clearly and you survive it it makes you feel really good