She's a cool kid.  Also, Art Hughes Girls. That's on Facebook and Twitter. And I said, my rockers don't do it and he has a Facebook account. What kind of rockers do Facebook? Let's say all rockers don't do Facebook. Not all rockers do Facebook. But some of them do Facebook. But we need Facebook. We have people who still don't know how Twitter works. Oh really? Yes. There's a friend of mine who's on Twitter and he was telling me he was just doing Twitter recently. So he's used to Facebook posting a photo and getting like 500, 700 likes. He goes on Twitter and gets one like, he's like, what is going on? I don't like Twitter. It's giving me a low self-esteem. She's not my fans man. It's giving me a low self-esteem. I don't like it. Twitter is not cool. Facebook is cool. So I stick with Facebook. Right, and we have so much love. Like so many people are on the TL. I don't even know. But I think we should, first of all, we should introduce our topic of the day first. And then we'll be back to read the comments. So today we're talking about, right, just getting over the loss of a loved one. Just because we're still being homage to the guys that lost their lives at DCT2, which was very unfortunate. And all guys are trying to move on. So we just want to help. You want different ideas from the guys at home and from you guys. Like on how people move on after losing someone you're very close to. A family member, a friend of a friend. Could be a celeb you like so much. Like just anyone. Like dealing with a loss is very hard. I understand. Yes, he's like one of those legends. He's an icon. Even as a guy, I liked his music, his guitar play. I've learned a lot from him. You know, I asked because we were here for any reason Thursday. And guys were like, Oh, we're not ready. People don't even know he had a song with Eric. We shall wait. By the way. They didn't know that. Even the DJ, they had a song with her. People don't know that. So I feel like, yeah, it's cool. We're playing Kenyan music now, but we've always done that. But I feel like it's a good thing, right? Okay, so let's talk about getting over a loved one. So at some point in life, everyone loses someone they love. It's just a way of nature. It's a way of life, like it happened. So they like it or not. At some point it has to happen, right? So being one of the most difficult life events imaginable, like you need to cope in a way that's healthy. Even if it's painful, you need a healthy way of mourning. You know, some people like, know that. Okay, no one can ever tell you how to mourn or deal with losing a loved one. You do it your own way. But there are some people, they go into depression and they get affected mentally and they never get over it. So there are some ways you can actually, there are some things you can consider to be able to get over a loved one. So maybe one can tell us one. Tell us one. And here's your next. One way is find someone you can talk to, because if you're just there mourning on your own, trust me, you'll fall into depression. So get that one person, those two people that you can talk to. Talking helps, right? For me, what works is find a way of closure. Just find a way you can engage closure and forget that vibe. And also the thing is also sometimes it depends on how you get related. So I can't be on point on it. Right, so we have a few ways that we thought like people can actually use to deal with their emotions, right? Well, the first one is allow yourself to experience your feelings. You know some people will not let that happen. Don't shut it out, just embrace it. You turn to alcohol, maybe just something that will make you not feel anything. But that's unhealthy. So make sure you experience it. It's very important that you allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, even if it's bad. Suppressing your feelings is not a good idea. It's the aftermath. It's just crazy. So suppressing grief can lead to anger, anxiety and substance abuse. Yeah, do some mountain climbing and stuff, you know. Yeah, definitely. So like you've all said, express your feelings to others. Definitely. If you're going through something, you have to let your friends, the people you trust, people around you. Right, yeah, they have to know what you're going through. Just tell them how you're feeling. But we want to involve you, the guys at home, to be part of the discussion. So talk to us. We have a lot of things. We'll be telling you as we go. But we want to hear from you as well. That is at 254 channel. There is hashtag rock tour at 254. At Philly and June. At wine movie. At heavy and the beast. At huge scale. Yeah, talk to us. Talk to us. We want to hear from you. But right before we go, we have a plate of trash. Oh, yay. Yes. That is my favorite part of the show. I don't know how you get to have this name. I don't like it at all. Yeah, because you choose very interesting bands. Just one in between every other time. You're like... I don't like it. But today, today is not hard. Today is actually very reasonable. New music. Very new. The whole song here is actually one look. But the bands, the bands, are they new? No. No, this one is... Sorry about that. Right, so today, we have... The first one is Bring Me the Horizon. Wow. Yes. And that one, I know. The discussion online. I cannot even. I can't. So, you all know about the album. Really? They just launched an album. I don't want to talk about it. We will have to. That's why I like it. It's on another level. I will tell you. I will tell you. All right. All right. So, we have Bring Me the Horizon. They have a new album out. It's called Amor, by the way. If you haven't checked it out, we have just one song from the album. We'll be playing it. So, it's called Nile's Blues. But, they have so much more. So, you can check it out on YouTube. And then, number two, we have Weezah. With no scrubs. And believe me, you know these scrubs. No scrubs. Yes. They sampled it. Yes. They've done a cover for it. Is it TLC or something? Yes. TLC. So, they sampled that song. Awesome. The first song they did was Africa. You remember? The Toto Africa. Yeah. So, they did Africa. And now, they've done no scrubs. Yeah. And then, the last one, you have Brutus with Wolf. So, that's for plate. Or trachea. What? We have Bring Me the Horizon. Nile's Blues. And then, we have Weezah. Right. So, we have Bring Me the Horizon. Nile's Blues. We have Weezah with no scrubs. And then, we have Brutus with Wolf. But, first things first, we're not skipping this one. You know, Yvonne doesn't like it. But, we have to talk about it. Bring Me the Horizon. I've seen so many interesting comments. People are throwing shade at them. Like, everywhere. Just rockers are really upset. Yvonne, tell us more. Why are you guys so upset? I am so upset. Like, Bring Me the Horizon. How now? Has been one of my favourites. Yes. And I like them from their death code days. Metalcore. But, I'm confused. I don't know how to feel. Like, how now? I don't know how to feel. Which now? Which now? Who now? When they released their previous album, The Spirit, it took me two months to listen to that album. Yeah. Because I was like, what is this? What is this? I got used to it. But now this album, I've only listened to one song and I was disappointed. I listened to that song featuring Danny Philz because I thought those are two of my favourite vocalists in one song, but nah, it wasn't disappointing.  Okay, not liked liked, but like, I was like, alright, not so bad. She has that kappati and that kappup thing in her heart. This mother tongue, this one we are playing were nice blues. Yeah. Actually, I'm gonna hate for the first time, yeah. You're like, alright.  Okay, so here's girls, which one? Which one is your favourite from their album? TLC thing. Oh! I think this is their album. I think this is the first one, I was like, okay, sour, asante sana, asante sana. Right, so we are I'll stick to their albums. This one. Now I'll go with the third one. Brutal is the one. I feel like it's my favourite, my personal favourite, just because the way it starts. So the vocals are just out of the place and then it gets like, now the guitar and everything just comes in and becomes mayhem. I like that. Yeah, so let's go ahead and just listen to the songs. Yup. You guys can be the judge and head over to Twitter at TLC channel. We'll be putting a post up so that you get to vote for your favourite. Yup. But first let's listen, right? Yup.


Welcome to the Jerry Springer show, and tonight we have a special guest, Sam Vaknin, a lover of humanity, a self-styled saint, and a saviour that you've all been waiting for. Following my previous video, where I had allowed myself to open up a bit and tell you about my predicament and so on and so forth, I have received a tsunami, I think short of a tsunami, of commentary. Some of these commentary even contain questions. Others were just meant to insult and humiliate and failed miserably in accomplishing these twin goals. So, what I would like to do today, I would like to respond to some of your questions, elucidate a few matters, put things in context, and together with a previous video, when you put these two together, that's it. That's the maximum I'm willing to dedicate to this topic, and hopefully we can all move on with our peace of mind intact. So, let's start with your questions. One of the questions had to do with withdrawal, when the narcissist withdraws from the world, when he becomes asocial, not antisocial, but asocial. Less gregarious, avoiding contact, avoiding relationships, isolating himself in his castle, pursuing solitary vocations and avocations, and of course, trying to drag his intimate partner into this new shared fantasy of we against the world, it's known as foliadeu, or shared psychotic disorder. But as some of you have mentioned correctly, a lot of this withdrawal and avoidance has to do with punishment. The narcissist wants to punish the world because he doesn't feel appreciated. He feels discriminated against. He feels inappropriately ignored. He feels wronged. It's a passive aggressive way of getting back at his tormentors, real and mostly imaginary. It's a figment of paranoid ideation, which lead to paranoid action. There's no tinfoil head in the majority of cases, but there's a tinfoil mentality. So the narcissist says, these intellectually challenged people, they don't know how to appreciate what I'm giving them. They don't know to gauge properly my gifts and the enormity, actually the magnitude of my contributions to humanity, potential and current. So you know what? I'm going to punish them by withdrawing from their lives. And this goes also for intimate relationships. She doesn't know to appreciate me. She doesn't realize how good she has it. She doesn't accept that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to her and that is likely to happen to her in the future.  I will let her contemplate her enormous loss and pine for me and yearn for me and miss me badly, but I'm not going to be back. I'm going to torture her and show her what she had missed, what she had brought upon herself, wrote upon herself. So it's a form of self soothing. You could compare it to binge drinking or overeating. It's binging on the narcissist's own company. He binges on his own mind, on his own presence, actually more precisely on his own grandiosity. He's surrounded by ghosts of relationships and by the wreckage of broken dreams, but he quotes everything with his fantasies and with his grandiosity. And this way he can explain to himself that he didn't do anything wrong. He's not to blame for anything that had happened to him. He's not guilty. He shouldn't be ashamed. It's all they're doing. They are evil or they are insufficiently intelligent to truly admire him and to adulate him and to applaud his efforts or his intelligence or his intellect or his good looks or whatever it is that he holds dear. And so withdrawing and avoidance lead to self soothing and this is a stepping stone on the way to converting internal modification. I effed up. I misbehaved. I failed. I had been defeated. This is internal modification. I am deformed. I'm defective. I'm a cripple. I'm disabled. I'm inadequate. These are all forms of internal modification. So avoiding the world with drawing, breaking up, isolating oneself, social distancing before the age of social distancing. All these techniques were intended to allow the narcissist to transition from internal modification. It's all my fault. I'm to blame, etc. to external modification. I didn't do anything wrong. It's all their fault using something called alloplastic defenses. Okay, next question. Is hovering possible after modification? Yes, hovering is very possible, but only after internal modification. If the narcissist had experienced, if you had caused the narcissist external modification, if the narcissist believes that 100% of the responsibility and the guilt and the blame lie at your feet, you can forget about it. He will not try to hovering again because there is no more harrowing, horrible, terrifying, gut wrenching, experienced and modification. He doesn't want to go through this again. If he thinks that you had caused him external modification, especially if you did this malevolently and maliciously in a premeditated and intentional and deliberate manner, if you were out to hurt him, to cause him pain and disintegration, then he's going to keep away, trust me. He's not going to try this again. He's not going to take the risk that you may do this again. But if he experiences internal modification, if he had convinced himself that he had been in control of the situation, that he brought it upon himself, that he is the one who pushed you to misbehave the way you did, this is internal modification, then yes, he will hover you again. Because if he is the one who brought everything into being, if he is the one who made it happen, then he can make sure that it would never happen again. He's in control. As long as he's in control, he can safely hover. The thing is that most narcissists convert any internal modification to external modification. Narcissists are very low to admit that they have been responsible or guilty, misbehaved, abused, maltreated, mistreated, called it wrong, exaggerated. They hate this. They can't accept internal modification. So most vast majority of narcissists will try to transition to exit the internal modification and to disguise it or convert it or transform it or transmogrify it into an external modification. So to cut a long story short, the chances of being hoovered after true modification are very low. Luckily, modification happens, I don't know, in the typical narcissist's lifetime, maybe three or four times. That's a lot. Many narcissists go only through one modification in a lifetime. What you call modification is most probably severe narcissistic injury. Hoovering is very common after narcissistic injury of any intensity, but not really after modification. Next question. Do you have children? No, I don't have children. So is this also a manifestation of refusing to grow up? Yes. My refusal to grow up to assume adult chores, responsibilities and roles. This refusal is also manifested in my refusal to have children. I don't have children because to have children is to acknowledge that I'm an adult. To have children is to have responsibilities. To have children is a chore. To have children moors you and grounds you and constitutes an irrevocable commitment unless you are truly, you know, totally psychopathic. So the refusal to have children, remaining childless as a policy option, as a choice, a deliberate intentional choice, not as a result of a series of accidents. That is usually a classic sign of the Peter Pan syndrome, or puerra uterus in psychoanalytic terms, when there is a preference for remaining trapped psychodynamically in another lesson phase. So women had written to me, following the previous video, that they don't find me attractive anymore. I'm not a man.  I'm a weasel. I'm a weakling. I'm a wuss. I'm Jejeune. And much worse, believe me, many of them suggested that I'm a latent homosexual and not so latent homosexual and all kinds of things.  I'm not. I'm 100,000 million percent heterosexual. And these value judgments that a man is not is rendered less attractive because he refuses to act as a man or because he confesses to his deficiencies. Well, as I said, that's a value judgment. One, I want to generalize this. When I was growing up, there was a stigma attached to having cancer. People were ashamed to have cancer. It's like cancer was a choice. Could I have a big Mac with a side of cancer? But of course, cancer is not a choice. And I have a surprise for you. Mental illness is not a choice. And as we should not stigmatize people with cancer, we should not stigmatize people with mental illness. To have a mental illness is not humiliating. It's not a shame. It's not embarrassing. It's the absolute equivalent of having a physical disease and to admit to it and to confess to it and to come clean and to leverage your mental illness to help countless of millions of people in my dictionary is an admirable thing to do. It doesn't make you less of anything, less of a person, less of a man, less of anything. I am astounded that people don't see it this way. I'm astounded that at this day and age, women could still write to me. How did you confess this way? It's so humiliating. It's so shameful. Aren't you ashamed to admit that you're not a man?  It is this attitude of pushing mental illness under the rug, under the carpet, ignoring it, pretending it doesn't exist, attributing it to some physical illness. It is this that leads to all the misery and pain and abuse and toxicity in relationships. This, ignoring the elephant in the room, pretending the room is empty. Mental illness is with us. It's here to stay. And it's growing exponentially like no other class of diseases. We better get used to it because it's going to be the new normal. And we better get start helping, start to help each other. Start to provide social safety nets, support in an institutional structured manner and one-on-one. And we better start to accept that this pandemic, and long before this pandemic, the stresses of post-modern life, our disintegrating institutions from the family to the nation state, these are putting inexorable pressure on our very, very fragile encyclies that we're breaking apart. All of us, not only me, all of you are breaking apart. All of you are disintegrating. All of you are decompensating. All of you are acting out. Not one healthy person is left. We need to get through this together and we can't accomplish this by disparaging others, by insulting them and humiliating them. Because they were honest and courageous and brave enough to admit that they have a problem. This is sick. You're sick. You know what? You're sicker than me. Those of you who were drinking to me, these words. I've received emails from narcissists accusing me of pretending to be a narcissist and a psychopath.  You know what? One of them sought to insult me. Wanted to insult me. You know what? You're just an average healthy guy. It's a curse word. You're healthy.  You called me healthy? That's libel. That's defamation.  I'm not healthy. You know, narcissists wrote to me. People self-identifying as narcissists and people diagnosed with NPD and people from my database wrote to me. You're not a narcissist. You're not a psychopath.  But this only goes to show you. Narcissists and psychopaths know that they are narcissists and psychopaths. They're fully self-aware. They made a distinction between themselves and me. They were saying we are real. We are real narcissists. We are real psychopaths and we are proud of it. To be a narcissist is cool, man. I'm a cool dude because I'm a narcissist. It's a privilege. It's an exclusive club. It's Trump's golf club. You know? And you don't belong there.  One of them wrote, I can see that you have empathy. I can see that you have a big, good heart. You're helping people.  You don't belong in our exalted, elevated company. You're tarnishing our image as omnipotent, omniscient, godlike, all powerful, not in need of anyone. Narcissists are seriously deluded. You know what? Many of them are intellectually challenged, I must tell you. YouTube, unfortunately, won't let me use the real word, but intellectually challenged. Look it up. There's one short word for it. The emails I received from Narcissists combine expertly, inanity, stupidity, delusionality, grandiosity, and in some cases, clinical insanity. Okay, enough with your missives and messages. It seems that all of you, though, share one thing in common. You have a cognitive dissonance. You have a cognitive dissonance because I'm giving you a lot. I'm giving you information. I'm giving you help. I refer you to literature. I bring you the latest in scholarly studies. So I'm giving you a lot, and it's very evident that I'm getting nothing out of it. There's no advertising on my YouTube videos, either. I'm not pushing books or retreats or resorts or nothing. I don't even bother to answer when you ask me if I provide counseling. Yes, I provide counseling, but I don't bother to answer. It's all about money. I don't need money. I'm a wealthy guy. It's not even about narcissistic supply because, honestly, the supply I get from my videos is mostly negative. It's not positive, trust me.  So I'm not getting anything out of this. And this creates in you a cognitive dissonance. Why is he doing this? Why is he doing this? I don't feign empathy. The vast majority of coaches and self-styled experts and mystics and gurus, they fake empathy. They feign empathy. Oh, we care about you. Oh, we love you. Oh, we want you to have a better life. Oh, we want you to be happy. We want you to get rich. We want you to get a nice girl. They don't like you, of course. They want your money.  They want to take your money. You know what?    You love it. They are sacrificing their lives for us. I heard someone writing, he's sacrificing his life for us, of course. Give me $6 million a year. I'll sacrifice anything you want for you.  I don't. I don't fake empathy.  My content for you is overt and bridled. I don't. I'm not repentant. I'm not remorseful. I'm not regretful. I'm in a good place. I have a lot of money. I travel all over the world. I have admirers and fans. I have everything I could wish for and much more besides. Why on earth would I be repentant or remorseful? And why would I not hold you in contempt? You that could have been much more than you are. I hold you in contempt not because I think that you don't have potential. I hold you in contempt because you do have potential to be much more than you are. And yet, and yet, you settle for being chimpanzees. Chimpanzees in terms of critical thinking, in terms of erudition and learning, in terms of getting somewhere and doing something with yourself, not with others. Don't listen to all these gurus and coaches who tell you that to succeed is to advance in the in the hierarchy of dominance and ranking and to be a top lobster and other such zoological nonsense. Success comes from insight. Happiness is an internal state. And yet you don't pursue it. Nor do you pursue knowledge. Nor do you pursue critical thinking or seek to develop your critical thinking. You choose the lowest common denominator. You choose to drink. You choose to do drugs. You choose to drug yourself with television, social media. These are choices. A chimpanzee can't help but be a chimpanzee. You can. You have a choice. And that's the source of my contempt. The very fact that I actually appreciate what you could have been. And I'm angry at you that you're not. To the next misceive or whatever. Complaint or something. Question actually. Oh, it's a question. How the fact that you can't be a man or won't be a man affect the woman in your life? I am never a man to my woman and I explained in the previous video why. First of all, I don't know how to be a man. I was never taught. I never saw role models which I could have, could have emulated. So I don't know how to be a man. I am not 1% men. I have nothing of a man in me, not a single cell. So I don't know how to be a man. And there are other reasons. I went into all these reasons in the previous video. But the fact that I'm not a man to my woman doesn't let her be a woman to me. Gender roles are mutually reinforcing. You become more of a woman when you are around a real man. When he sees you as a woman, his gaze defines you. Similarly, he becomes much more of a man when he is around a woman who regards him as a man. So this is a feedback loop, a positive, wonderful feedback loop that makes more of you, makes you more, makes your identity dimensions more pronounced, crystallize your core. This is the beauty. This is the resonance between men and women is at the core of the aesthetics of the gender union. This is, if you wish, if you're religious, the divine touch. This is the spark. This is what men do to women and women do to men. They bring out their identities. In other words, men and women introduce themselves to themselves. The woman helps the man get to know himself better, introduces the man to himself, and the man helps the woman become more of a woman. In other words, become more acquainted with herself, more self-aware. In my Guru Father role, because I have two roles, I can be a child or I can be a genius child or I can be a Guru Father. The one thing I cannot be is men. So in my Guru Father role, my woman is just an audience, very often anonymous, impersonal audience. She's utterly interchangeable and replaceable and dispensable. She could be any other woman. I don't care.  I keep testing her all the time. Will she fail? Will she fail? Will she really a good enough mother? Will she love me unconditionally? Will she accept all my quirks and foibles and misbehavior? So she's constantly being tested. She's on probation. There's not a moment when she's a woman. She's an adulate. She's a playmate. She's a mother. She's everything conceivable. She's a service provider, but she's never a woman. Self-emusculation.  Self-emusculation. Lead to defeminization.  First of all, because she chose me. Why would a real woman choose me? It means she is not fully a woman. It says something about her. So it leads to defeminization.  This does something to you as a woman. It denudes you of your femininity. It takes away your femininity. Femininity, masculinity, these are roles. Most of them are learned.  It's a part of gender differentiation, which is a part of socialization. It's a use it or lose it. If you don't use your femininity, you lose it. If you don't use your masculinity, you forget how. So here I am orchestrated.   I have the right thing. The appendage works well. But I don't have the psychological software installed to use it. So here I am. And so it de-feminizes, takes away my woman's femininity. And this creates a lot of resentment and anger and raging and a lot of aggression. And she becomes averse.   She's angry at me. She wants to punish me. She wants revenge. She wants to put me in my place. Maybe get a rise out of me by triangulating or even get a rise out of me by cheating. And it doesn't work. And this drives her mad. Crazy. I mean it drives her even more insane. Because what would work with any normal healthy man has zero effect on me. And this leads, of course, finally to sexlessness and extramarital affairs as a way to manage a relationship. Because it's no other way. It's exactly like living with a quadriplegic who is in coma. Both. I, to answer another question of yours, here's the question. Why do you accept the asymmetry? She's cheating with others while you are at home waiting for her. Are you a cuck, cuckold?  People are very subtle and very empathetic in their questions, as you can see. Let me answer this specific gentleman. That's not a woman. That's a man. He was very offended that I admitted that I'm not a man because he claimed to have been an admirer of mine.  I mean, how can he respect someone like that? He said, I lost all respect for you. But he asked, but one thing I want to ask. If she's cheating, why are you not cheating? Why are you waiting at home for her like a cuckold or a soy boy?  Okay, in a minute we'll come to it. Let me reiterate. I accept that in order to persevere and survive within my increasingly more sexless shared fantasy, my woman has to meet her sexual and emotional needs with other men. That's a fact. That's a given. It's like air is 21% oxygen. You can't argue with that. No point to argue with that. I am intermittently a genius child or a guru father, but I'm never ever an adult man, not psychologically, not sexually, not willing to commit. I never invest in the relationship. I don't exist as an adult. I take as a child and I give as a guru or a stern disciplinary father. That's not a foundation for a full fledged psychosexual relationship. My woman needs a man. She needs a man. She's a woman. I mean, most of the women in my life have been in their 20s and 30s. So they needed sex. They needed intimacy. They needed to be desired. They needed passion. They needed flirting and seduction and to have a good time and to lose themselves from time to time. You know, they needed to be disinhibited with a safe partner. They needed to have fun. They needed all these things. I don't give any of this. I'm not a man. You can't go with a child to a disco or to a bar or to a pub. And you can't go with your father, of course. I mean, and if you do go with your father, it's not the same. So I accepted that if I want a woman in my life, I have to let her take care, outsource her needs with other men. That doesn't make me a cacolt for a soyboy.   I don't derive pleasure from the fact that my woman is at this very minute with a man, with another man. That's not a very pleasant thing to contemplate and I try not to dwell upon it. I am much more indifferent. That means it's not pleasurable. It's not offensive. I'm indifferent. I don't care. I'm not even romantically jealous. I'm oblivious. She's somewhere doing something. Who cares? It's her own free time. She can do whatever she wants. On her free time she can do whatever she wants. As long as I get my services and my adulation and so on, then the rest of the time she's like a housekeeper. I don't know. Combination, housekeeper, personal assistant. So I'm just oblivious. I'm in my world. I'm making YouTubes. I'm reading. I'm in my world. I'm not romantically jealous. I become romantically jealous. And the closest I ever become to being a man is when there is an imminent, impending, clear risk of abandonment. Then I suddenly become a man. I impose boundaries. I insist on exclusivity. I demand rules to be followed. I demand respect, etc. But that's too late, of course. Way too late. And that's very... It's only when there is a risk of abandonment and only as long as the risk of abandonment continues. The minute it's clear that she is not going to abandon me, I go back. I revert to form. I'm again a child or a father. I'm just oblivious. Not like a cult. On the contrary, I think if I were to observe my woman having sex with another man, it might even hurt me. So I'm not like a cult. But the whole thing is as relevant to me as the war in Nagorno-Karabakh is relevant to you. Look it up. And now to your question. If she's cheating, you know, I'm not cheating. If she is allowed to be with other men, why don't I allow myself to be with other women? I accept that I'm not allowed to do what she is allowed to do. I accept that I'm not allowed to do the same. I acquiesce. I acquiesce. And I collaborate and I collude in this asymmetry. And there are many reasons for it. I'll try to go through them. In other words, she can be with other men. I cannot be with other women. In my marriages and in various relationships, I have reached agreements to have open marriage or open relationships. But even then, it's very difficult for me to behave the same way she behaves. Even when I'm in an open marriage or in an open relationship and she clearly is dating other men, she picks up other men in front of me. I witness the pickup. I witness the flirting. I witness the seduction and then they both get up and go into the night. Even then, a minute later, I find it difficult to pick up a woman. I still have this feeling that what she deserves, I don't deserve. That there isn't a symmetry. And it's not entirely insane. It's very rational, very reasoned. I will try to explain why. I think I shouldn't be allowed to behave the way she does. First of all, she is an adult. I'm not an adult. I'm a child. Children are not allowed to behave the same way adults do. Ask any child. Ask any adult. Children don't have the leeway and the privilege of adults. Children are much more restricted. She's an adult. She needs mature, conventional, reciprocated, regular sex, intimacy, the presence of a man. I don't. I don't need the presence of a woman. I don't need sex. I don't need intimacy. I need to play in my sandbox. I need to play with my toys. I need to have fun.  I'm a kid. So, I can't, as a kid, say, you know what?  I'm a kid. And we have equal power, equal rights, equal privileges, equal responsibilities. That's simply not true. It's counterfactual. I have to compromise and sacrifice in order to secure the presence and commitment to the relationship. Second reason.  In other words, I need to start a new relationship. The women in my life, not all of them, some of them, could compartmentalize. They had me and they had other men. The other men had their place and their time. I had my place and my time. It was like compartments in a ship. So they moved seamlessly and smoothly between their parallel worlds. They were able to maintain multiple relationships, juggle them very effectively. I didn't feel any problem. I didn't feel the difference.  So I can't do that. If I'm to have sex, I need a full-fledged relationship with a fantasy and then I would have to leave the woman. I have to get rid of the previous woman to move on to the next one. I can't have several simultaneously. And most of my women could. I think most women could, actually, to be honest. Next reason I accept that she can do things I cannot do is that any new shared fantasy. Imagine that I said, OK, I will move on to the next new shared fantasy. What for? Any new shared fantasy will end the same way. Why bother? As long as I'm getting supply, as long as I'm getting services, however meager and basic, better stay put, better forget about sex. I move on to a new shared fantasy only when two of the three essence are missing. So if the woman stops providing me with supply and sex, I would consider to move on to a new shared fantasy. But as long as she provides two of the three essence, three essence, sex, supply, services. As long as she provides two of the three essence, why to move on? What will change in the next shared fantasy? How will it be different to the previous shared fantasy? It's bound to end the same in acrimony, in sexlessness. So why go through this exercise? It's said wrongly, but never mind. It's said that the definition of insanity is keep doing the same thing, expecting different results. I am not that insane.  I'm going to stay with her for decades. I'm going to stay with her forever, as long as she is able to provide these two essence. If she stops providing two of the three essence, then at that point the woman had come to replicate my bed dead mother. She had failed in her role as a good enough mother. She had betrayed me. At that point I feel free to move on. But I don't mix apples and oranges. I move on, like I discard or break up and move on. Next reason why my woman is allowed to be with other men and I'm not allowed to be with other women. Even in open marriage when I am allowed to be with other women, I find it extremely difficult.  Only such women will enter a shared fantasy with me.  I mean, the pool of women available to me is a serious horror movie. You know, everyone says the dating scene is a cesspool, the only bottom of the bird. Women are left. That's not true. It's not certainly not true. The many divorced women who are wonderful, lovely women, but of course none of them would dream of dating. My access is only to seriously dangerous women, gold diggers, psychopaths, borderlines, insane psychotic. So scouting for a new shared fantasy for me is an absolute desperate last resort. Like I won't do it until I'm all hanging by the throat or by some other part of my anatomy.   It's masturbatory, it's sadistic, and it's kinky. And I sublimate it. I convert it into activities which are socially acceptable. I really prefer learning and entertainment to sex. I'm far more gratified by solitary activities than by sex or intimacy. My biological drive is entirely satisfied with pornography. Intimacy, I don't need, it's a threat in a variety of ways. It threatens my grandiosity. And my psychosexual kink and sadism require a compliant life-body, but the price, as I just said, is not worth the price.  So, take all this into account. I suppress my urges exactly the same way practitioners of other parapherias, like for example pedophiles, they suppress not all pedophiles sleep with children on the very contrary, only a tiny minority do. The majority of pedophiles are aware of their pedophilia and they suppress it. They simply abstain, they become celibate for life, because they know they can damage the children they don't want to.  And I prefer not to. Plus, rejecting women, frustrating them, humiliating them when they approach me, when they try to pick me up, it feels as good as sex. So, I prefer to tease. When I cannot have women for my sadistic pleasures, I want to reject them and humiliate them and even more so when I can. Put all these five elements together and you will see that the rational thing for me to do is to sit at home and wait for my woman to return early in the morning from a night out with a gorgeous man, or with her lover, or with a casual stranger. She, her needs are met, she had outsourced them, she's happy, she's content, she's available now to provide me with what I need. What I need is adulation and audience and services. As long as this arrangement goes on, I don't care, I'm not romantically jealous, I'm indifferent, I'm in my world, I'm immersed in my toys and my collections and my childlike, my childlike activities. I'm perfectly content, really am, I'm not pretending. How can you let your woman be with other men? Don't you want to smack him? In a shared fantasy, I am possessive but not protective. So, within the shared fantasy, if my woman tries to triangulate or if she picks up a man ostentatiously to hurt me or whatever, I will feel possessive but I will not be protective. Even if I know that she is in serious danger, because the guy is a junkie, an alcoholic, a criminal pedophile, in one case, happened to me, I will not protect her. I will let her go. I'm totally unprotected. And I'm possessive only in the sense that I'm terrified of abandonment and loss. I await, I wait all night, not sleep, until she returns. She returns, I go to sleep. I know abandonment has been averted. When there is an imminent, impending abandonment, when there are multiple signs over a protracted period of time that she's about to abandon me, that we are about to break up, then I become both protective and possessive. It's the only time that I become a man, actually. I enforce rules, boundaries, I insist on certain behaviors, codes, and so on. But of course, by that time, she holds me in full contempt and she won't listen. In the bargaining phase, I'm neither possessive nor protected. Do I feel humiliated? Yes, I feel humiliated, of course. I feel humiliated that I can never have a woman that is only mine, that I can't keep my women, that I can't satisfy my women, that other men who are far inferior to me intellectually, men who are predators, men who are scum in the majority of cases, pick them up. And you know what, in most cases, they pick them up in my presence. They ignore me completely as though I'm made of air. They walk straight to my woman and pick her up. And they capture their hearts and their minds and their bodies, if even only for a night. And of course, it's humiliated. It's like a cripple, like an invalid, or like an unemployed guy who cannot provide for his family. It's a feeling of being an inadequate, disabled person.  They didn't want to go into the dating scene. They thought they had a partner. They thought they had secured a liaison and a relationship. They thought they had secured the satisfaction, the gratification of their sexual, emotional and intimacy needs.  And women are furious at me. Furious at me that I pushed them back out, that I won't provide them with what they need, that they find themselves back on the dating scene at age 30 or 40 or 50, that they have to get drunk in order to sleep with otherwise repulsive strangers, that they are molested by scum or regard them as sluts because they are married or because they are in a relationship. But the fact is that women go to any lengths to be with other men. Cheat on me if you wish. My women have slept with strangers, with repellent abusers, their abusers with petty criminals, with pedophiles, with alcoholics. And they go to such lengths. I mean they are utterly indiscriminate and promiscuous. And they do this because they are in a shared fantasy. And there are four reasons why they would tend to be indiscriminate and promiscuous in choosing men. One, they need to meet their emotional and sexual needs for sex, intimacy, support, attention, passion, desire, flirting, seduction, chase. They need a man. They need a man. And sometimes they have full-fledged love affairs, emotional or sexual, for a lengthy period of time, in some cases years. And I'm fully aware. I've even met the guy for hundreds of times. So this is one solution. But frankly, it's not always doable. It's not always available. So they have to pick up strangers or go to dives and clubs and joints and singles bars and so on and pick up whoever they can. And it sometimes ends badly. So this is the first reason. The need to gratify emotional and sexual needs. The second reason is that they need to regain or patrice their self-esteem. This state of things within the shared fantasy where they don't have a man, they have a child, their sexual needs are not satisfied, their emotions are ignored. They don't get attention. They don't get passion. They are not desired. They are not considered irresistible. This destroys utterly undermines termites eating at a tree. Nothing is left. It's reduced to dust. Their self-esteem, self-confidence evaporate. And so they need to regain it. And they need to regain a sense of femininity and to restore the belief that they are desirable, even irresistible. Definitely passionately so. They need to be courted. They need to be flirted with. They need to be seduced. And so they will do anything for this. They would compromise their standards and lower them. They would go to any environment. They would take any risk. It's a compelling need.  It's a survival issue. So they end up lowering their standards, going out with anyone anywhere, doing anything, just to have this presence of a man who would help them regain a modicum, something, a morsel, a figment, an element of self-esteem and self-confidence, which they had lost completely. And then there is this issue of reconstituting a proper reality testing. In the shared fantasy, they are constantly being gaslighted. And the shared fantasy exerts an inexorable pool. It's very easy to succumb to the shared fantasy, to become psychotic, to pretend that there's no reality. The shared fantasy is reality.  You're kind of disoriented, discombobulated. You're confused beyond measure and only interacting with another man, a relatively healthy normal man as far as masculinity goes. Never mind his profession. Never mind his past. Never mind his drinking. Never mind his criminality. Never mind his whatever. Never mind how repulsive he is physically. But at least he's a man. He has the core of a man. He has the psychology of a man. He has the psychodynamics of a man. The desires and passions of a man. He wants the woman. He wants sex. He wants... I mean, it's not... So this restores, restores proper reality testing in a sense of normalcy. Going out with another man restores the sense of reality, restores the sense of what is normal. It's a relief. It's like waking up from a persistent nightmare or emerging from the sea having almost drowned. And never mind who the man is. That's why strangers qualify, criminals qualify, pedophiles qualify, abusers qualify. As long as it's a man, behaves like a man, talks like a man, walks like a man, wants things that men want. It's good enough. These are minimum qualifications. The job interview is very short. Are you a man? Yeah, let's go. You remember that during the short fantasy, if I detect abandonment, I begin to stalk. It's called erotomanic stalking. And in the bargaining phase, I actually do the opposite. When the woman makes demands and wants to transition from child to adult, I ignore the woman or push her away forcefully. In both cases, the stalking or when she's pushed away, when she's rejected. This forces me to break up with them. So sometimes they pick up men and then they call me on the phone. Call me on the phone and let me know exactly what had happened. Or met me and told me everything and in the minutest graphic anatomical medical detail, trust me.  Now it's the end. I mean, we're breaking up. They wanted me to get rid of them. They wanted me to break up with them because they couldn't extricate themselves from the shared fantasy. They used the men, another man, to force me to break up with them. To get rid of me by behaving so egregiously so as to modify me and force my hand. And there was no, there's no, I mean, the spectrum of behaviors.  My woman. Other women went away for the night and then returned and told me in detail every single thing that had happened. However, unsavory. Other women got drunk in my presence and then picked up a man and then disappeared into the night. I mean, women made sure that I know in a variety of ways and witness in most cases. So it was like a signal or a message. Please set us free. Please let us go. Last question. Does is every woman, will every woman collaborate in the shared fantasy? Or do you pick up, do you have a special type and you pick up special women? I personally seek inferior or much younger women because inferior women, much younger women will accept my kinky sex more readily.  They're young. They want to have a child. And the last thing is that I can play the father war with younger women or inferior women in a more convincing way and for longer. So that would be my choice. But having said that, there is no type. The narcissist is promiscuous indiscriminate slot when it comes to mate selection. If you can give him supply, he will select you as a mate. End of story. He doesn't care if you're codependent, short, tall, long, blonde.  He doesn't care whether you're accomplished or not accomplished.  He doesn't care about any of this. Don't believe the unmitigated nonsense that you read and hear online. Narcissists do not select mates. Narcissists select sources of supply. If the narcissist becomes convinced at any point that he can extract supply, narcissistic supply from you. Or that you will provide at least two of the three assets.  If he believes that you can provide two of the three, you're in. You got the job. Who you are doesn't matter to the narcissist because the narcissist does not pay attention to people. He does not perceive people as separate autonomous entities. He internalizes external objects. He interacts with snapshots. Who cares who you are? He doesn't care who you are. He cares what you can give him. What can you give him? That's the question. Can you give him supply? Great. Can you give him sex? Even better. Can you give him supply and sex? You're in.  You're in. Can you give him supply and services? No sex. No problem. You're in. That's the narcissist's mindset. Very indiscriminate. In my particular case, because I play the dual roles of child and father. I need a woman who is young enough to want to be a mother and young enough to want to have a father. And I need someone who will not resist me. Who will be awestruck by me. Who will accept my authority, not challenge me. And will do anything I want in bed and outside of bed. Now that narrows down a bit, the potential pool and leaves younger women, inferior women, substantially inferior women, in every respect, money, position, power, fame, whatever. And intellect.  I hope I've answered all your questions. This will be the last time I'm doing this. But I owed you because of the previous video.  Stay safe. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. As long as you keep breathing, most of you will stay alive. And I wish you complete healing in case you need it.


I was born to some young parents. I actually was adopted. My dad was a World War II vet and worked in the steel mill and my mom got out of high school and was happy to be a mom. I went to a unique college because it was an all-male college and that was when really my passion started with psychology. Went on to graduate school and cruise through and got my master's in counseling and the cruise through even further, got married somewhere in the middle of all that and had my PhD at 28. Went into private practice and worked with people for at least 20 years and a full-time job came up here and that was 10 years ago. But I think probably the biggest turning point in all of everything was I fell off a roof and me and the concrete met 16 feet later and I fractured my femur and had a head injury and sunk into a pretty deep kind of depression of things because it's just like they're like what are you doing God what the heck's going on. I'm sure there were students that were completely freaked out because I was walking around with something that looked like a telephone cord coming out of the back of my neck to control the pain. CCU and its students and the people I worked with really became a source of life for me so I walked away with a victorious limb. One of the things that I love about Dr. Mitch is his willingness to like break the mold of what it means to be a professor. You want to go to class because you don't know what you're gonna miss that day. He makes it exciting and he makes it hilarious. He doesn't shy away from like letting us ask the hard questions which is really helpful for just our personal growth in spiritual life. He has this wisdom of scripture and of people that I had never encountered before. Lynn and I have been married 40 years. We have four kids. I love taking long walks with my wife. She's a school teacher too and I love my family. I love hanging out with them. I still have enough of an introvert that I'd like to be by myself too. Ray is a master teacher and he knows how to connect the facts, the figures, the data to the students so it's applicable in their lives. As a former pastor, he cares about their spiritual life as much as he cares as an academic about the content of the material. Yeah, I see what I do as teaching but I see more of what I do as painting a picture of what life can be using what we know about psychology and relationships and all that in affecting and impacting other people's lives. I'm trying to find a way to enter their world and teach from there rather than be in my world and have them come to mind. I say I will not apologize for crying in front of you because it's just a way to show that a fully owned heart changes people.