and welcome to physical therapy for a better life. I'm your host Christine Lenders, board-certified orthopedic physical therapy specialist. Today we are going to talk about how to get a handle on your stress, clear your mind, and improve your life. I'd like to give a very special welcome to Dr. Pauline Lucas, founder of Phoenix Yoga and Meditation, doctor of physical therapy, women's health and pelvic floor specialist, mindfulness and meditation instructor, and mindful living coach. Welcome to physical therapy for a better life, Pauline. I am so grateful to have you here.  I wish it was in person and I could be right there with you in Hawaii, but here I am in sunny Phoenix instead. This is amazing and for the audience, I met Dr. Pauline Lucas. I didn't even officially meet her. I watched her in a presentation in California on mindfulness meditation at a special sections physical therapy conference and it forever just opened my eyes and changed me and how I approach physical therapy and offer what I can now offer my patients. So please tell us, Pauline, you're a physical therapist. What led you into the mindfulness realm? How did you get started? Well, it's a really long story that I'm going to keep fairly short, but I have to say that I remember you two actually from that conference, even though there were 300 people in the audience, right? But I remember you looking really, really happy when I was guiding you through a meditation. I remember that. I remember that because you were asking us to think about, I don't know, our favorite vacation spot or the time when we felt the most and we had our eyes closed and I felt everything kind of relaxed and I grinned and I remember you said, you grinned and like melted. What did you think about? And that impacted me. That was the first couple minutes of that two hour talk. Right. And I remember that you actually said you were on a beach somewhere. I know it. Look at me. Now I'm in Hawaii. I know that dreams do come true, huh? So yeah, so thank you for the question. So yeah, it's a long story and it started with the very first time I was exposed to meditation was when I was pregnant. And it was my second pregnancy and the first few months of pregnancy are not easy for me. I was just really feeling sick.  And then I remember one day I was at my job and one of my patients who was typically a little bit grumpy, let's say, I came to work and I see her sitting and she is glowing.   I said, hey, Patty, so what's new? And she said, I learned to meditate. And I said, well, tell me more. And so she told me about get learning to meditate with the lady in the neighborhood.  And I thought I need that. So a week later, I was in meditation training. I learned to meditate. It really helped me throughout the pregnancy, throughout giving birth. And now I had two babies and a job and I stopped meditating. So, but then things got difficult because a year later, I found out that I had breast cancer.  And I was in my mid 30s. And when somebody asked me what are you going to do, the very first thing that came to mind was I'm going back to that meditation teacher. I think I need to meditate. And so that's what I did. And, you know, I was also at that time starting to go through divorce. And so, you know, young mother, all my family lived abroad in Europe and I'm in the United States. And yeah, so there was a lot to decide, a lot that I was going through.  And I tell you what meditation was key. And it helped me to navigate that really difficult time. And so I'm sure you're like that as well, that as a healthcare provider, whatever you learn you want to teach. Yeah. So I started teaching from that point on. And yeah, and I continue to teach. I continue to feel like that's like that meditation is a foundation for a good life. Wow. Wow, that gave me chills. Meditation is a foundation for a good life. No. That's, that's amazing. And I do agree because watching your talk, I've even done a couple shows inspired by your talk talking about the brain chemistry and things that can change when you're under chronic stress. And that really opened my eyes because I had just moved to New York City. And it was, it was a very different life than I'd had in California. And I felt very isolated. I was super stressed out about multiple different issues in my life. And I remembered what you said about, you know, the different brain organs and how under chronic stress, the MRI scan showed sizes of different brain organs had been altered. And then the studies on the meditation that were, I think every study is probably like 90 days. But, but if you do 30 minutes of meditation, let's say for 90 days, they did the rescans and showed the difference. And I used to use that as an example to my patients to try to encourage them to meditate. And I would also tell them that that's the study, but literally I did these five minute meditations when I was at my hit in my threshold, like I didn't think I could take another minute. And I was bringing my threshold down with five minutes every day. So I was trying to just encourage them that that's a an achievable, comfortable goal to just five minutes, you know what I mean? Even though I didn't do a study, but five minutes changed my life every day. And I was handling situations and I was caring better for my patients than my aggravation level was gone. Like that glow that you said that she had, I felt after I did my mindfulness meditation. Yeah. And then you're bringing up such a good point, you know, at five minutes. Because here's the thing, I always, when I teach, I always compare mindfulness and meditation with lifting weights to degree because to impart, because I work with physical therapists a lot and with patients, and they get that analogy, right? And so I say, you know, when you go to the gym, you don't feel like, okay, I'm going to now get strong in one time and I'm going to like do three hours of these exercises.   And I believe the same holds true for meditation that a little bit consistently is way better than now and then sitting down and like, okay, I'm going to meditate for two, three hours because it's agony, you know, that it's not going to work for most people. So just doing a little bit and then gradually progressing. There is an ideal time, which typically is 20 minutes, but that's for some people that's not going to work just like, you know, jogging for 20 minutes isn't going to work for everybody. You know, sometimes we need to start with less. And like this morning, I had a busy morning and I said, five minutes it is. As soon as I, as the alarm went, I sat on the edge of my bed, put my feet on the floor and I meditated right there for five minutes and that was it. You know, that was the time I had. So you can be very flexible. But what I think is really important is to actually explain a little bit like what is meditation and what is mindfulness, right? Yeah. So I didn't know the term mindfulness at all when, when I started teaching meditation that came later, maybe like, I don't know, 10, 15 years ago, I learned about mindfulness and I was like, well, what's the difference? Is that the same as meditation? Is it different? So what I learned since then is that mindfulness is really a way of going through life. You know, like we can be, you and I can be really mindful right now and those watching and listening can be mindful, just really being very present and observing what is going on and their experience and our experience and being really with whatever we're doing, we're very much aware of what we're doing and how we feel while we're doing it. You know, so it's like being present with what we're doing with a kind focus, like without criticism, without judgment, simply observing what is going on.  So that is mindfulness. It can bring mindfulness to any activity. You know, I wash my hands a lot because I'm a healthcare provider. I wash my hands mindfully. I enjoy washing my hands. Thank goodness, during the pandemic we wash them even more. I can walk mindfully. I can eat mindfully. I can do anything mindfully, right? I commute a lot. I do that mindfully. So I'm present and I'm not daydreaming during all these activities. And you might wonder, like, okay, what's the point of that? Well, for one, it is to teach your brain how to focus instead of being scattered. And so chances are you're not going to mess up on what you're doing. But on the other hand, also, our life is happening right now.  And guess what? This is the moment where our life is happening. And so if we're constantly in the past and in the future, we're missing our life. And a statistic I learned, a statistic I learned from a Harvard study was that 49% of the time we are not present. Wow. Yeah. And what I learned, too, is that when we're not present, we're most likely not happy. People that are more present are happier, you know, and that it's because our mind tends to gravitate towards negativity, you know, kind of reminiscing on things in the past that didn't go well, or already worrying about the future. It's funny as you speak about being present and a life is happening right now and people who are present are happy. My brain is like diverting into like, oh my gosh, I need to be present, right? Like constantly has this racket. But what you're saying is so true, like how to be more present in this moment instead of the 12 things you have to do later or something you said yesterday or someone said to you that is still in the back of your brain, that's wisdom right there. Now, how do you be more present or how do you shut off the, oh wait, I have these 12 things or I keep thinking of I should be better at that now you're not being kind to yourself.   And how often do we miss the experience because we're already thinking about something that's going to happen later, right? Yeah. And so I encourage my clients like start with maybe that, you know, maybe something else, but I this is one of the ideas. So let's stick with that idea. And then just see what happens.  But what if you give yourself a gift of a few minutes truly being present and then plan your day or plan your day ahead of time and then go in the shower? I'm going to take a shower as soon as we're done. Well, I think, well, that's that's brilliant. That's brilliant, though. Take a shower. And I remember when I missed an opportunity to go to another mindfulness thing that was during my workday, I was a patient and it was at the company I was working in Connecticut, they had an opportunity to go somewhere and they came back and said, you mentioned washing your hands. They said something and what I made to mean of it and I started it that day and I did it all through the pandemic. And this is like five years ago when I learned this, this one little act is, what do they call it? Compassion fatigue, you're working in healthcare, you're giving of yourself always, always, always. And how do you, in between patients or in between clients, fill yourself up to redeliver that compassion and care. And one thing I started to do with the hand washing is I would, instead of like racing to wash my hands and trying to figure out like, oh, I'm hungry and who's next? And I just like was washing my hands and I was like, whoa, this soap is really slippery. And oh, that feels really smooth. And look at the bubbles, like the way the water like falls on my hands. And for the two minutes, I washed my hands. I transformed how I felt. And then I went to that next person. And I was joyful and loving and I was all theirs. I was all theirs. And the hand washing, I still do it today. Sometimes I hurry, but when I am in between my patients, I always am like, no, look at that. It's so smooth. So I hope everybody takes a more mindfulness shower, a more mindful shower and more mindful hand washing. Even if it's just 30 seconds, it really is amazing. That's good ideas. Yes. And I do the same thing actually, as you just described. And I also become aware of my feet on the ground. So it's kind of like, it's like I'm pulling my energy back with me. I'm back to me. I'm releasing whatever I just did. And then I'm ready like filled up again for the next person when I do patient to patient.  You can, you can implement this in different ways, which makes me think, should we do an exercise right now? Yes, please. Let's do it. Let's, so this practice is called three mindful breaths. And I'm simply going to guide you through the activity. So depending where you're at, if you're driving, please keep your eyes open. But otherwise you might close your eyes if you like, or you can just gaze down. I'll actually keep my eyes open and look at you.  And start with feeling where your feet are.  And then notice as you're breathing in, feel the air moving into your nostrils. You don't have to go in specifically deeper or anything. Feel where the in breath turns into an out breath. There's a little pause. And then feel where the out breath turns into an in breath again. So let's start right now with three of those. So in your own pace. So you're feeling the start of the in breath. You feel that little pause point where the in breath ends and the out breath begins. And then where the out breath ends. And the in breath begins, three of those. And there you go. So that actually used kind of one and a half mindfulness practice. So the first one is more like a body awareness, like feeling your body, feet on the floor. If you're sitting, feel, feel how you sit on your chair. And that can be like three seconds. It can be when you start a meeting. It can be before you eat. I mean, this you can do at any time and nobody needs to know. And then just doing some of those calm breaths and actually noticing the breath. And I literally can do this while I'm with a patient, you know, just noticing even one breath. And it really helps me to stay centered or get back to being centered. If maybe something is triggering me a little bit. So that was mindfulness. I could talk hours for them about that. But I would also like to tell you then what meditation is and how that's a little different. So with mindfulness, we can bring that type of mindset into our day to day activities. Now, meditation is a particular practice. So with meditation, if I say I'm going to meditate, I'm going to basically take time out of my day.  I don't like sitting cross-legged on the floor. It doesn't work for me. Might work for other people.  And it could be my breath. It could be what's called a mantra, like a particular word. It could be a candle flame. I mean, there's different things, but those are some of the most common ones. And then I might sit with my eyes closed or I might gaze down at the floor, something that's not distracting. And then I'm having the intention of keeping my awareness with that particular focus point. So let's say the breath in a way that was a little meditation we just did. And my intention is to keep my awareness with my breath.  I mean, that's really, really, really simple, right? But it's not easy because our mind is not liking that. Our mind wants to solve the world's problems, do the to-do list, et cetera, et cetera. But basically what we do is help our mind to become less reactive. To basically say like you're training a puppy, stay, stay, you know, and try and keep the mind gently focused on whatever that focus point is, like the breath. And we do that on a regular basis. And our mind becomes a little more used to being focused and not multitasking and not, you know, being all over the place. So gradually the mind gets calmer. But it's really important that we don't beat ourselves up if we find our mind going all over the place. We just applaud ourselves, basically, for noticing that and bringing it back. That's the correct thing. That's amazing that you said that because it's one of the toughest things about meditation that people, when I've tried to share probably meditation, not really realizing the distinction between the two, is that your mind is going to wander because all of ours do.  Oh, no, okay, wait, no, just focus right now on the breath, focus on the one. And what did you say?  To be less reactive, to focus, but also to be less reactive. Less reactive. Because the mind is going to play tricks. It's like, oh, remember that email, what if you're not going, what if you don't do it right now, you're going to forget it. And then you tell your mind, it sounds goofy, but you tell your mind, no, thank you for letting me know, but I'll get to it. If you must write it down, but typically we remember, but in a way the mind comes up with tricks to be done with it.  But I could tell you that I would be a really, really wealthy woman if every person that I talk with, talk with about meditation, if they would give me a dollar, the ones that would tell me I can't meditate because my mind is too busy. Oh, and that's when I tell them everyone's mind is busy, honestly, and that's normal. That's just the way our life is. And, you know, for training it. And that's why we train it because our minds are so busy. So it's not about, oh, I can't meditate because I don't feel zen right away. You know, we're going to have thoughts.  I think that's great. I think that one thing that I feel about it and listening to you speak about it and explaining to all of us how to do this and different ways we can do this because we have, you know, different people can sit on the floor, cross-legged, other people can sit in a chair. I feel like the meditation and the mindfulness and everything that you said is like a gift to yourself. If you gift yourself five minutes or three breaths, grounding, if you gift yourself that, I feel like you're gifting your number one person the greatest gift of kind of health and vitality and wellness. And then also everyone then that you come in contact with your day gets to receive the gift of that glow that you mentioned. Your patient was like maybe a little grumpy. I'm not sure which word you used, but then she was just glowing and she started doing meditation. And I want everyone to hear that as it's an achievable and attainable goal to gift yourself these three breaths a day or five minutes a day or 20 minutes a day of I'm going to give myself a great gift and I'm going to take 20 minutes and I'm going to help my brain be less reactive and I'm going to focus on the flame or focus on the word. That's really a gift to ourselves that, yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, yeah. And I feel like, yes, it starts with a gift to yourself and you're right. And then it's because I've been meditating there for over 20 years, maybe 24 years. And because I show up more peaceful, people around me automatically reap the benefits of that. So I feel like we all want world peace in some way and we know we're not quite there. And I feel like even by meditating and creating more peace within me, that peace does ripple out to those right around me. But who knows how far that reaches, right? Yeah. Yeah. And the question that I often get then from people is, well, how do I learn to meditate? And I think really honestly, you can watch YouTube, there's so many free apps, paid apps, whatever, that's how you can really learn to meditate. But I have found it helpful to actually also work within the instructor to help me be consistent and personalize it. But a lot of people can just learn to meditate as they consist of just through whatever is available on the internet. No, that's great. So I never actually considered working with a mindfulness instructor. I've done a lot of the apps and same thing, YouTube. And I use an app every day. And sometimes I do too, because I do feel like it really brings my mind, body, spirit, mostly my mind and how I feel down. So if I don't feel like I've done enough with the time that I had, I will do another. And that helps me. But do you do sessions with people for mindfulness coaching? And I would know, I think we have like four or five minutes left or something. But can you do them remotely too? If people wanted to do that with you, I kind of want to. Okay, you know, I did start doing it. I was teaching just, you know, in person. And I work at the healthcare center. And, you know, I was teaching there and I was teaching with my patients. And then, you know, with the pandemic and everybody on Zoom, I did start teaching remotely, which was really great. Like I've had clients that I've never met in person. And for some people, it was one session, you know, they just wanted to talk with me about some of their challenges or the specifics or just knowing they did it right. Or they had a particular physical issue. And they were wondering if there were specific ways of meditation. And then I've also done like, like true mindfulness coaching, mindful living coaching, where I support people for like three months, and really help them integrate mindfulness into their lives. You know, there are so many options, so many possibilities. Yeah. And it's honestly, I think it's the thing I like the most of all my activities. Because I feel like it really helps transform people's life. Like it did mine and like it did yours. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a beautiful, it's a beautiful thing. So I know how to get in touch with you. But if, if anybody watching today wanted to get in touch with you about doing a mindfulness coaching session or mindful living, where do they go? Yeah. So they can reach me via email. And my email address is Pauline. So my first name, P-A-U-L-I-N-E, Dr. D-R Pauline Lucas.com. That's the easiest way. Yeah. Okay. Great. That's great. I know that they'll pop that up for everyone to see when the show gets played back. This is amazing. So we've done a mindfulness meditation. We've learned a little bit how to achieve mindful moments in our day. And we learned the difference between mindfulness and meditation. What else can you give us any pearls about like? Well, and we learned that this actually changes your brain and your nervous system, right?  Well, that same thing is happening when you're training your mind to focus.  But if you were to be in an MRI scan before and after, you can literally see the center in the brain that is more, you know, prone to like stress and everything shrink. And that's a good thing. That means that, you know, you're less reactive to stress. And like, for example, the area that is that is responsible for your memory, actually improving, actually being, you know, getting bigger, which is a good thing.   But every six months, you get your checkup and you know whether, you know, whether things work out. And that's how you want to go on meditation. It's a part of your day. And whether it felt like a fantastic meditation or like, yeah, man, you just do it, you just do it. And the results will come. The research is unequivocal about that. It's so true. When you said the, the memory center, I was in New York City stressed out, I mentioned earlier, and I started doing the mindfulness. And I kept saying, I, I was afraid that I was having something wrong with my memory. And it was one of the biggest changes, like after I went to your seminar and I, and then went through that period of time, the biggest change that I noticed was less reactiveness to like bumping my elbow and just being like, or, and then the memory, the memory I was forgetting things that were simple, simple things. And then that did improve. And so it's proven in the research. I think that's incredible. And I think that that's a lot of things that, you know, during our family and our relationships and our everyday occurrences, when we're reactive, it's, it's tough on any relationship, whether it's a work relationship, a family relationship, a friend relationship, when we're more reactive and when we are more centered and less reactive, it, it's, you know, life is just so much better. There's more peace, right? More peace amongst us all. More peace and more life, right? Yeah, and more happiness. Savoring more, stressing less is my motto. Savoring more, stressing less, that's amazing. So we're going to have to wrap it up. Dr. Pauline Lucas, thank you so much for being so generous and giving us your time and your wisdom. I am, I'm so grateful for, for knowing you, for meeting you years ago and for the impact it's had on my life and, and all my friends and family too and patients. So thank you. Thank you so much for inviting me. This is really a pleasure. Oh, this was great. So thanks everyone for watching this amazing show. Aloha for watching. Thank you to Think Tech Hawaii for allowing us to be here today. And as always, life is better when you listen to your physical therapist. Thank you so much for watching Think Tech Hawaii. If you like what we do, please like us and click the subscribe button on YouTube and the follow button on Vimeo. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn, and donate to us at ThinkTechHawaii.com. Mahalo.


What is trust? Well, we oftentimes think of trust in the form of fidelity, but I really want to go deeper with the idea of trust and to see if we can recognize the early signs of when you can trust a man. Because trust to me has more to do with does this person have my best interest at heart? Do they have my best interest at heart? That's really like when you can surrender to another person because they have your best interest at heart. I think that's a critical sign for building trust with another human being. So we're going to dive into this conversation. I actually saw this title on one of my contemporaries, Steven Speaks. And he shot this same video with the five early signs. And it occurred to me that his content was really valuable. It really was valuable. And it occurred to me that, and I've been saying almost the exact, like a different version of the same thing for years. So when there is a truth, it's a universal truth. So we're going to dive into seven early signs that you can trust a man. Now, first I have to send quickly a text message. Sorry about that. Turns out I need help with lighting really quickly. So we're going to dive into the seven, seven signs, early signs you can trust a guy. And we're going to dive right in with the first one. And I like the way Steven narrated this. Do you know, when you go and buy a car from a company like any company, they have a health check on the car and they call this like car facts. And I like that he called it a love facts, okay? A love facts. And what that means is to actually look at, get a sense of his past relationship experience to get a sense if he has good patterns, he has good relationship history with his past relationships. I think that's a critically important thing to share with someone to get a sense of their past experience, particularly if they're holding onto any anger, any resentment, any pain, any disgust, any fear over a past relationship. You can actually by asking these questions early in the dating process, you can get a sense if this person has a capacity to be trustworthy. I want you to think about this for a moment. I know I was in experience, I was in a brief relationship with a woman where she told me her ex-husband was a narcissist, the man before was a narcissist, the man after that was a narcissist, and the man after that was a narcissist. And I'm thinking, whoa, she's had a lot of narcissists in her life. And I'm thinking to myself, well, I'm not a narcissist. I know how to apologize. I have empathy. I take ownership for my mistakes in life. And sure enough, I thought, oh, I could be her hero because I'm not a narcissist. And by sure enough, within a few weeks dating, I realized we were a complete mismatch for one another. I think we didn't have the same interests the way we view the world. A lot of things were just not aligned. And so I ended the relationship. What happened next was on Facebook the next day, she said, I ended a relationship with a narcissist. And I thought, holy cow, she telegraphed her past experience in such a way that I should have had the clue that I was next on the list, but I didn't see myself as that person. And so the clues were there very early on. I didn't pay attention. Has that ever happened to you? You've asked about the past relationships. Now I recently shot a couple of videos on when do you ask the tougher questions? Well, it occurs to me that I would say, I would assume that most of you would like to know before you ever go on a first date with somebody that they have their in pain over their past relationship, they're in disgust over their past relationship or maybe they have fear of being in any new relationship with someone.  And yet most everybody will tell you on a first date, just keep it light, keep it casual. See, we have this adopted, this premise that if everything is light and casual in the beginning, you can build attraction with another person. In fact, we make an assumption as human beings that the more physically attractive a person is and the more financially successful that person is, they are more trustworthy. Isn't that fascinating that the more attractive someone is and the more financially successful someone is, they are more trustworthy. And yet trustworthy has nothing to do with those things. But certainly when you get a sense of their past relationships, you can get a sense if they're holding onto pain, disgust, anger, fear, all these emotions. That's certainly not a good sign for building trust in the future. And certainly if they've had a significant number of bad experiences, that might not so assign that they're good at picking people, but more importantly, that maybe they're the problem in the relationship and you most likely won't be able to build trust with that person. So that's number one. Number two, willingness to communicate and have difficult conversations. You know, many of my clients who go through my bootcamp coaching program learn that you need to ask the tougher questions right from the get go. In fact, I get emails and calls all the time from women who worked with me in my private coaching. Said, Jonathan, I'm asking the tougher questions and it's working. And what they mean by working is they're having deeper conversations with men. These men are opening up more because they're not having these surface level conversations. And while there's no guarantee that this is gonna create success, I want you to think about this. If you speak sincerely from your heart, ask a deeper question than the surface. You can't really say the wrong thing to the right person if it's sincere and from the heart. You really can't do the wrong thing to the right person. Having more difficult conversations sooner rather than later can help you avoid weeks, if not months, if not years of anguish and pain by asking those deeper questions. And merely how do they react to those deeper tougher questions? Speaks volumes in your capacity to build trust with someone. Number three, you feel like you can talk to them. You feel safe with this person. That's certainly a good sign. You feel like you can speak your truth with this person and truth isn't necessarily the truth. Truth is simply how your truth is how you feel about things.  A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my book. And all the books I recommend, there's a link below. Chapter one is speak your truth, do it with kindness. See, I noticed women seem to have duct tape over their mouth. They don't feel like they can talk to the man that they're with for fear that that man might run away. If you're afraid that person's gonna run away, then it's not your, then you don't trust him. I want you to think about this or maybe you don't trust yourself. Maybe that's what it is. You don't trust that you can be yourself. You can't be safe with this person. And if you can't be safe with this person, are they really the right person for you? Now I recognize that trust is built over time. The safety is built over time. Sure, we're not talking about the first, second or third date, we're talking over time. Now another sign that's not, is really I think a really good sign that a person could be trustworthy. I wrote this down. He expresses appreciation frequently. He expresses appreciation frequently. I think a lot of women get caught up in the love bombing which is oftentimes complimenting the person that they're with. I mean, especially when many of us are feeling down, we need validation, we need some loving and support, we can actually get caught up in the compliments believing that that's a reflection of appreciation. But I'm talking about a person that genuinely speaks from a grateful heart. You know, in my most recent relationship and even after the ending of the relationship, I really sat with gratitude and sat with appreciation for all the experiences. And I think when a human being spends more time in gratitude and appreciation, they are more trustworthy versus those human beings that sit in pain, disgust, anger, fear, you know, those energies aren't as trustworthy and our creates more mistrust, okay? Even people who complain a lot, they oftentimes people, I've noticed there's a significant percentage of people that just oftentimes unconsciously complain about things and they're literally positioning themselves to be untrustworthy, okay? Number five, and this is the most obvious of all of them. I know people will talk about this is their actions match their words. Yes, actions matching words is a fundamental piece for building trust. And so in the early stages, when someone says they're gonna meet you at six o'clock on a Friday night, they get there at 5.59, that builds trust. If they say they're going to call, you know, after work, they call after work. They don't have excuses, it's difficult to, because remember, I said trust is about having the other person's best interest at heart.  I've witnessed women go through heartache after heartache after heartache with men that they had no trust with, all they had was an unhealthy attachment to another human being, but there wasn't trust. And trust is demonstrated through the actions matching words. Number six, he shows compassion, generosity, and humility towards other human beings. They show compassion, generosity, and humility to other human beings. Now, let me give you an example of what doesn't count. Okay? Just because a man might tip 20, 25, 30% to a waiter. That doesn't, just because that might seem like a generous person. Money is not the equator of generosity. Money is not the equator of generosity. You know, there was a Seinfeld episode that said, you know you have a good friend when they're willing to help you move furniture, when they're willing to help you move furniture, that's when you know that you have a good friend. I can't remember the Seinfeld episode, I think it was the baseball player who was on, but he goes, well, are you the kind of friend that will help move furniture? And that's a generous act to another human being. Compassion for humans, humility, those are all good signs that a person has the capacity to care about others more than themselves. So coming back to even the, you know, appreciation, it's also recognizing the efforts of others. I think this is a really important factor to pay attention to, and again, let me be clear, it's not about treating the waiter nice. Now that's important, okay, that's an important thing, but don't give a lot of credit for that because that's just kind of a standard operating procedure, SOP as it's known, to be that certain way. But I'm talking about going deeper than the surface. And number seven, and this is critically important, number seven, he respects your boundaries. He respects your boundaries, particularly in two key areas, in two key areas. First is your time. Remember I said earlier before actions matching words? Well, respecting your time is a critical component to this. And so if they say they're going to be somewhere, they respect your time, they value your time, it's not about being on their schedule. People, at these days in the dating marketplace, we see a significant amount of men that they only come from a place of its at their beck and call to spend time with you. A man demonstrates trust by moving things around based on your schedule. And that's certainly a sign that he respects your boundaries. And probably the most critical boundary of all centers around physical intimacy.  And certainly I am guilty of what I'm about to say.  I've been driven by my penis, I've been driven by testosterone, I've been driven by dopamine. I believe that that was that feeling of dopamine, that feeling of testosterone. I really thought when I was in a state of lust, when I was in a state of lust, I really thought it was love. I really did.  It is an addictive feeling. And yet it is not based on true love. So respecting your boundaries.  That's just a put off when there's an arbitrary number associated with that. I'm here to suggest not put yourself in positions, particularly with alcohol involved, but put yourself in positions where you don't know if he's genuinely trustworthy and you have sex before trust is built. That's all I'm asking here. Allow trust to be built to determine sex. And I've always said it takes about 100 hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of trust. Takes about 100 hours of face to face time. That's a fair amount of time. You know, many of you know who Lewis Houses, he's got the, oh God, it's called the Greatness podcast. Now I just forgot what it's called, School of Greatness. Okay. And he openly shares that in his relationship, and it seems like he's in a fantastic relationship, they had many conscious conversations while they were in the process of getting to know one another. And they waited 30 days before they were physically intimate. Now, I believe in those 30 days, they saw each other somewhere between the neighborhood of seven to 10 dates. I think maybe even more physical time together during that period of time, that one month period of time. But most importantly, they had these serious conversations before they were physically intimate. And while that's not always a guarantee, I will tell you the men that are in it, the men that are in it for the short run, the men that are less likely trustworthy, they are in it to get sex as soon as possible. They compromise your boundaries in these areas of time and boundaries, and they don't demonstrate real trust afterwards because they were more selfish. They were in it for their own best interests. And I just wanna remind everyone, trust isn't just about fidelity, trust is. Does this person have my best interest at heart? That's, I think, a great sign of trust. Is this thinking in, is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. I'd like to hear your thoughts, post a comment below. Also, check out all the links below to schedule a discovery call with me to check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Follow me on Instagram. And if you like this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell so you'll be notified of all new videos. All right, this is time for Q&A. If you have a question for me, write the word question, then post the question thereafter or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. Oh, that's him right there. My son who passed away five years ago. And his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and Seeds of Love, just to name a few places. And I wanna give props to Melissa for the $4.99 Super Sticker. Let's make $50 tonight. I'd like to donate some money. Also, if you wanna be on the hot seat, we had a very interesting hot seat last week. Hit the link for StreamYard, let's dig join the hot seat live. And I'd love to answer your question. So it looks like TS has a question for us. So TS writes, dating local guy went on seven day cruise at the four and a half month dating mark. We slept on the couch four days because he had said bed is uncomfortable and his knee and back hurts. Should I believe that? Well, if you've been dating for four and a half months, yeah, I would say hopefully you built some trust between the two of you. So yeah, I would think that if someone is actually feeling that way. Now, if you're saying you went on a seven day cruise at the four and a half month mark, he slept on the couch four days because the bed was uncomfortable. Yeah, I think we have to give the person the benefit of the doubt. I don't see why otherwise that would be the case, especially since you have four and a half months invested in this relationship. So yes, I would give them the benefit of the doubt. Okay, here's a question. How soon should you move in together? Okay, since I'm intimately familiar with this question, how soon should you move in together? This is a really tricky question. So many of you know that I was in a relationship where it was long distance and after a few months of being together and we amassed over 45 days together in a hundred day period of time. That's a lot of time together. If two people dated three times a week, that would be the equivalent of, that'd be the equivalent of like in the course of them, two and a half months, that was the equivalent or people dated twice a week. That would be the equivalent of 20 weeks, okay? But anyway, I'm digressing here for a second. We decided it would be best if we're gonna explore this relationship fully, we should move in together. And while moving in together is not a recipe for success, I mean, certainly our relationship ended, I think what's interesting about moving in together is you really don't know someone until you live them, until you're actually interacting with them on a regular basis. I think dating today is a long drawn out process of most of the time it's just friends with benefits. I think it's mostly based on entertainment, it's not in the actual doing. So first and foremost, I believe if you're gonna move in together, you have to be ready to integrate your lives into, in with each other, you have to introduce your children, your friends, you have to be actively integrating into each other's lives, that's number one. Number two, it allows you to have these deeper financial conversations to get a sense of how someone operates from a financial state. So that's a good benefit of having these conversations. You know, I'm kind of in a school of, this is a new school of thought I have, it's two people like each other and they're gonna physically be intimate with each other. I'm here to suggest maybe each one of them live in each other's homes for a 30 day period of time to see how well they get along with one another before they choose moving in together. That might be something worth doing. But Jonathan, we don't have the kind of schedule to do that. But Jonathan, we're long distance and we can't do that. Folks, proximity creates continuity, proximity creates trust. What I mean to say continuity means regular time together builds trust.  So anyway, I think the sooner two people can explore it, I think, here's the thing. We undervalue sex, quite frankly. We almost, sex is almost treated the equivalent of kissing. So if we treat sex as kissing, then where's the real value? Then what's the point of a relationship? If you're two people are gonna get physically intimate with one another, then I'm here to say you go all in and dam the torpedoes. You figure out if you're gonna get fit for each other sooner rather than later. There's no sense spending two, three, four, five years just dating one another. And I would say certainly by the one year mark, certainly that would be a good time to move in together. Those are just my rough thoughts. All right, let's keep going here. OSS, what does a committed relationship look like? Now for me, I've always shared this publicly. I've thought a committed relationship looks like this. We spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. That to me is what a committed relationship looks like. It's the integration into each other's lives.  That's my question. By the way, can someone answer that?  See, isn't it all about trust?  By the way, who wants to join the hot seeds? Click the link below. All right, let's go here to... Jennifer has a question. Have a crush on a guy in my office. He's much higher position than me. He's single, never married, no kids. Smart, shy guy. Is dating someone at work a no-no?  Is it a no-no? Well, first off, I would want to know what your company policy is, sexual harassment policy about a superior dating a subordinate and could that person be in any jeopardy of losing their job based on the company policy. So that would be the first thing I'd want to assess, okay? I think you really better have developed, you know, better have developed a strong friendship. And in addition, I would really be careful if it's driven by lust, it's a recipe for disaster.  So is it a no-no? No, you get to do whatever you want. This is your journey. You get to do whatever you want, but just remember, sometimes you can take a loan out and there's gonna be a lot of interest you have to pay after the fact. So know the interest rate of what you're going to do. All right, anyone who wants to jump on the hot seat, click the links there. Lavish love story, I'm giving you some props. Elena, hey, how you doing? Susan is in the house. Is it moving in together too much pressure? Maybe long distance is the issue. You know, again, if two people are gonna have physical intimacy with one another, isn't that a big effing deal? I think so. You don't like, what's the point? What's the point? Like the problem with dating today is there's no real clear cut destination. Let's just have a good time. Let's focus on having a good time. I just wanna have a good time. See, everybody's focused on having a good time. You know, I think when we take relationships at a much more intentional level, these questions don't matter as much, because much is because isn't the, I mean, either, listen, I'd like to get remarried. I'm pretty clear on that. Now, I don't know if I necessarily wanna have a marriage with a relationship with the government, but I certainly wanna have a spiritual marriage at some point. And so that's, see, when you have that purpose, like I said this in a previous video, I'm at a point where I wanna be a husband to someone and I'm looking for a wife. I wanna be a husband, I'm looking for a wife. Or better yet, I wanna be a partner to someone and I'm looking for a partner. To me, dating is just the brief getting to know you period to decide if we are gonna do this for a long term. Short term, listen, we have a lot of people that are just, listen, they're what we call spenders. Does anyone remember this chart? I haven't showed in a while. Okay, please forgive the glare. You see on the top, it says users, spenders and grower builders, okay? This is not a fact, it's merely an opinion. Users are those people that seek short term game, love bombers, players, gold diggers, entitled selfish people only caring about themselves. It's roughly 20% of the population. Now those users can turn into spenders and spenders are those that seek connection, companionship, coupling and sex, no direction, uncertain, fearful, usually have a dysfunctional life. That represents 60% of the population. And the most coveted position of all is the grower builders. Those are the people they seek long term commitment. They're emotionally grown up. They have good relationship skills. They have their act together. 80% of the population of singles are users and spenders. So you might think, God, the odds are against me, yes. That's why when you work with a coach like me, I put the odds significantly in your favor. As they said in Hunger Games, may the odds forever be in your favor, ever be in your favor, excuse me. That's what working with the coaches, check out the link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. I'm blessed to help women put the odds substantially in their favor. Susan, thank you so much. Lee is in the house. Jonathan, if a guy is willing to work on his past wounds with books but refuses therapy, do I think that's enough to heal? I don't think books alone. If you're not a qualified, I mean, books are certainly a great start, but you have to recognize you have a wound that needs to be healed. You know, I think books are a great way to get some tools and resources, but I also think if someone rejects therapy, then I'd want to know what is their rejection of therapy? Now, I can understand a lot of therapists aren't really that good, and therapy is a very long drawn out process, so I can respect that, but at the same time, what's their real rejection and are they willing to do other forms of healing outside of books?  I'm still, the journey is a constant opportunity to heal childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our lives. People don't have good, it's hard to get all your relationship skills from a book. It's good to be with people to model in real time. Maybe there's an AI therapist that might help them.  Most women are afraid to speak their truth, ask questions, but they will have sex with a man before the first fourth date. That's exactly true. Now, Gigi talks about, I prefer living together apart, but both partners have to have plenty of resources. Yes, where is that book? I have a book on that. It's called Living Together Apart. Where's my book? Oh, here it is. Here's the book.  So for a lot of people, this book by Anne Watson is called Living Together Apart and it's the idea that these days maybe having two separate resonances can be of value, but these are very conscious relationships that have a lot of integration into each other's lives. So I do agree with that, Gigi, and that is certainly one avenue to take and I'm a proponent of that. So by the way, Jennifer wants to let us know that her employee handbook says nothing about dating colleagues. Just remember, there's a consequence if it doesn't work out. Jennifer goes on to say, thanks for answering my question. So hard to meet someone and he seems like a great guy, if I leave the job we can date. So here's a fascinating statistic. Okay, this is anecdotal, but I believe in the 60s, was a period of the 60s here in the United States was one of the highest percentage of people over 25 years old were meeting at work was the number one place to meet a potential husband or excuse me, spouse, not husband or wife, a spouse was the professional capacity. So there is some validity to it. Used to be the number one place for those over 25 years old. So yes, but then you got to worry about consequences these days. And social media, and that's a whole nother conversation. Susan wants to go on and add, does financial discrepancy make for failure, especially if it's the woman who has financial resources? Given that the second leading cause of divorce centers around money for a variety of reasons, is the problem money or is the problem people? You know, I really wonder, is it the people, is it that they haven't had real conversations? Have they put together a prenup, having contracts with one another? I think maybe this is what we need. You know, it's interesting I was reading about Palimony today. You know, it's interesting that literally if you spend enough time with a person here in California you're legally obligated to that person. And this is something that's never discussed in advance. So, you know, it's a very interesting and tricky conversation to have money conversations. And I will say this, in the book Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, they have a whole chapter centered around money and professional capacity as topics of conversation. So good questions, Susan.  But when that vagina gets old you'll give it away as quickly. Yeah, there's this fantasy belief that sex is how men fall in love. And that is not the truth. That is not how we fall in love. It's kind of a part of the package of what we want. Men and women alike, but it's not how we fall in love. McCoy says, I get what you mean, Jonathan. I want to partner also, but I'm just going to do me for now and see what happens. I'm a generator, not a manifester. I'm a projector. All right, Lillian's in the house. By the way, what I just described, projector is, and generators and manifestors are all part of human design, human design. Give me a favor, someone write that in the chat box. Human design, I want you to go Google human design and you can find out what your design is online for probably the cost of your email address. Question by Lilly. Any advice on how to handle an adult male child who is still living in the house who doesn't want new boyfriend to move in? Doesn't want new boyfriend to move in? I apologize, I'm not clear on the question because I'm confused by the boyfriend. Anybody sat in an adult male child who's living in the house who doesn't want new boy? I'm confused by the boyfriend, Lillian. Sorry about that. All right, all right. Joheka wants to jump in, meeting at work. Not such a great idea since there's moments you don't want to be in the other, or want the other person to watch.  All right, Elena wants to mention, I mentioned human design, I mentioned human design. So I would Google that at any point, pause this video for watching the replay and Google human design, and you can find out what your design is. All right, does anyone want to join the hot seat? We're low on questions here, so if we don't have any questions, we're gonna be wrapping up early. Let's keep, let's see. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Oh, here Gigi wants to let Jennifer know that she worked for one of the major pharmaceutical companies, you know the name. They engage couple ended up long distance, the company rearranged two districts so they could move. Interesting, well, that's fascinating, the company was supportive, they must have been valuable employees. All right, oh, Karen wants to comment on, I agree, living at each other's house, 30 days to see each other in their own environment without sex, agree with sex before marriage, yes, I agree, this can be a huge problem after marriage. Yeah, it's just things to consider. All right, oh wait, so here's, I think coming back to that previous question from Lillian. Okay, I think she has adult son living at home and her son doesn't want her new boyfriend to move in. Now that makes sense, okay? I apologize, now that makes sense to me. Yeah, children can be a problematic component within a relationship. I mean, when I say problematic, I think children have a voice, I have a client of mine that has the exact same problem, her son is very resistant to her mother having her partner move in. I guess the question is, does a child rule the parents or does the parent support, I didn't wanna say rule the child, but certainly support an adult child. So I wouldn't wanna give my child that much power. I certainly, if they don't feel comfortable, I think that requires some real deep conversation with all the parties involved, but I wouldn't want my child to have that sort of veto power. I mean, that's just me, but I'm fortunate that I have a great relationship with my son, I think, you know, when it's a son to a mother, that can be a little bit more, the son is protective of the mother. So I think daughters can be very protective of their fathers. So these are really some critical conversations. And I'd probably request the therapist be a counselor of some sort be part of the conversation to really understand what's going on for each of them. I would include the three of them in a counseling session and talk about it. That would just be my suggestion, okay? All right, Elizabeth is in the house and she says, should I talk first before, before meeting a guy? He wants to text, but can't get him to call me. Okay, folks, in my opinion, listen, I've had a few instances in my life where I've texted someone who literally lived one mile from me and we text and say, hey, do you want to meet up? Totally fine, because to me, that would be no different than if you're at a bar and met someone. I think on dating sites though, if you're connecting with each other and you're not going to meet each other right away, the first phone call is the first date. You can get a lot of intel about a person. You can do the deposition over the telephone to see if they're worthy enough to spend your time with you because getting dressed up, driving somewhere, spending an hour or so with someone only to find out that you could have realized way sooner you weren't a fit. And I will tell you, telephone chemistry also is kind of an interesting form of chemistry. I think when two people hit it off on the phone, they actually feel more comfortable when they meet in person than just the random, hey, let's hook up. Every time I've done the random hookup that was short lived, never worked out in my life. It's always a telephone helps build some familiarity, some continuity with someone, some comfort. Anyway, that's just my suggestion. All right, Lee's in the house. Why do men assign importance to stay at home moms? Wait, why do men not assign importance to stay at home moms? Yet when marriage fails, they're angry that they have to share their assets. This is a very complicated conversation. I think first, I think a significant percentage of men, especially, okay, so let's just be frank here for a moment. Here in the United States, 80% of the population makes less than six figures. Roughly 80% and this is rough statistics, okay? Roughly 80% of the population has less than six months of savings in the bank to cover them financially. Divorce people, a significant percentage have alimony and child support in their lives. So dating a single mom oftentimes represents a potential dependency, not always, but potential. And a lot of men are resistant to be a financial caretaker to someone else's children, possibly speaking, okay? Why people resist splitting assets? Because I think the person who worked for it feels more of an entitlement to the asset than the person depending on their circumstances. I was watching a divorce attorney, a New York divorce attorney telling the story how a man went to Harvard and worked at one financial institution after another financial institution and he was making significant money and he finally, he reached a point where he sold his company and got $500 million. He also briefly was dating and married a woman for five years and she stopped having sex with them. She started to have sex with other men and she was entitled to half of the earnings of the sale of his company.  You know, that's on him. That's the price he paid, okay? But was she really entitled to $200 million? I don't think so. Was she entitled to $100 million? I don't think so. Was she entitled to maybe 10%? Maybe, okay, which is still a significant amount of money, but no, the courts gave him $200, gave her $200 million. So I can understand why men are resistant for reasons like that. That's just my opinion. Okay. Brad says, that is true. Well, thank you, Brad. All right. Small white doves, his new relationship man friend deployed in Africa thinks it's serious. However, he is prematurely asking for sexting and I'm so disappointed. Says he's trying to just stay local by requesting it from me.  Not I think your cup of tea. Hey, I want to thank Elizabeth for the $10 super sticker. Let's try to get $50. We're $15 so far. We need $35 more to hit that $50 mark tonight. OS asks a question. What is a healthy financial agreement for both parties financial responsibilities when you decide to commit to each other? Great question, great question. So I think to start with what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine is a good conversation. I think also depending on a person's income, so let's just play with some large numbers here. Let's say one person, let's say the man makes $100,000 a year and the woman makes $50,000 a year. Now let's say she's also raising children and so she's got very little disposable money left over. Let's say he pays alimony, child support and he has little disposable money left over. I think what's left over in proportion to one another is how they should approach the relationship. It's in proportion to their discretionary funds. That's how I view it from that perspective given the circumstances I just laid out. Now, if the person has more discretionary funds then they should contribute more to the entertainment of the relationship. That's my opinion. If you disagree with me, I'd love to hear why you might disagree with me, especially when we have narratives that suggest that men are supposed to do everything. Why is that? Why is that fair? Questions I invite you to ask. Let's go here. Elizabeth jumps in and wants to know, is it a con if my therapist doesn't have a mogo therapy training? I think, is it like we're thinking pro and con? I'm not here to someone's expertise. Certainly they might, cognitive behavioral therapist. Oh, I forgot to mention this in the video to Rachel. Cognitive behavioral therapists are also good therapists but I think particularly if you're, if you have a pattern of choosing men that are like one of your parents that I think a mogo therapy is the best. That's just my perspective but I am not here the expert here from that perspective. When I say I'm not the expert, there are plenty of them. I know people that have no college degree that have street smarts that are some of the most. I actually, do you guys remember when I brought in the woman who had to, had to temporarily become a prostitute? She wrote the book. But where's the book? For a good time call Patty. I gave the book to my son. She's one of the wisest women I know and she doesn't even, she barely has a high school education. So, but yes, I would prefer somebody have a mock-up training. That's just my opinion. All right, let's keep going. Oh, and Elizabeth wants to go. She does have cognitive behavioral therapy. Yes, I married my dad, hence the divorce. Okay, got it. Hey, Julian gave us a $20 super sticker. Thank you, sir, for what you do. Julianne, by the way, now we are only $15 away from hitting our number for $50 donation I'd like to give out. So thank you so much. One of our Facebook members jumps in. In response to the woman with adult child at home, an adult child has the option to move out if he or she does not approve of his mother's choices to move her boyfriend in unless he's concerned about her safety. As I said, men, boys can be protective of their mothers. That is one possible reason. But yeah, I don't believe a child, if a child, you know, it's a privilege to be in their home at some point. You know, it's not a guarantee. There's no written law after 18. Now, by the way, my parents supported me till the day they died on some level they supported me. I would do the same for my son, Colin. I'm going to support him the best I can, but I'm not gonna give my children the power, especially when they have the power to take care of themselves, okay? And if they don't, then I would examine that. Okay, thank you so much for bringing that up. Susan Z. P. says, what if it's the woman that pays for everything he may not require, but she doesn't want to have to give up nice things. Okay, think about this. If you want nice things and you have the resources and the person doesn't have the resources, then you have to ask yourself, do you want this person in your life if they can't contribute, or are you willing to use your resources for the betterment of the relationship?  And trust, as I said in the very early conversation here, trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, does this person have my best interest at heart? You know, going all in in a relationship says, I'm gonna do what's in the best interest for my partner, for me, for us. The best you can. There is no perfect way of doing this, but do the best you can. And I think that's the way to view it from my perspective, Susan. I'd like to hear your thoughts on that. Luluy wants to know, do you speak Arabic? Benim tüksher çökfena fakat ben biraz an yoram. And if anyone knows what I said in Turkish, be interesting to hear. Benim tüksher çökfena fakat ben biraz an yoram. And that's about the extent of my Arabic, if you will. Although I can sing a song. He bedamehane jim sarho şolam yoram birbaşkayim bu akşam sarho şolam yoram. That's my Turkish singing. All right, we've got $7.99 Super Sticker from Margaret. We are only $7 away from hitting our $50 mark tonight. Bia has a question. Oops, Bia. How should I ask a man nicely his intentions are as we spend a lot of time together. I'd like to know if there is an intention of a serious relationship with marriage in the future. Okay, great question. All right, here's how I like to operate. So I start by expressing what my desires are when it comes to a fully committed relationship that leads to marriage. Are you express what your desires are? And then you invite the person to share their desires. What are your desires in this? And through that conversation, you've shared your point of view and they've shared their point of view and that's how you begin a conversation because if there's a mismatch there, there's conversation. If there's mismatch, you have to figure out is there gonna match, right? This is called deeper conversations. People who are afraid to have deeper conversations are less trustworthy than those people that are willing to have deeper conversation. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right. Wait, Elizabeth wants to say, I like your singing. I can't wait to go to Israel, but I'm Turkish. But thank you. Israel is from what I understand the most one of the most beautiful countries to visit. Okay, question from Susan again. The man provided other priceless qualities. There is trust, but culture favors men who do this, not women. That is true.  Isn't that sad? How society views things, how culture views things, how many relationships have been killed because society says it's supposed to be a way or the culture says it's supposed to be the way. I think two sovereign beings are the only two people that make a decision on how their lives are allowed to unfold. Let me repeat that. Two sovereign beings are the only decision makers to how their life is to unfold for one another. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. Bum, bum, bum. Is that the, oh, that is from 10 commandments. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. Yolbrenner. Okay, Margaret wants to let me know. Good point, Jonathan, about trust. Exactly. Um, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Via wants to say thank you so much. That was very helpful. I'm having trouble with how to start the conversation. It's simple. This is what I want. What do you want? Are we on the same page? All right. All right, we have Elizabeth back in the house. Should I just surprise a guy I've been texting and just cut to the chase and call him? I agree with what you said about the first date occurs on the phone call. Just simply say, look, I'm gonna be calling. Are you free in the next half hour or 20 minutes or whatever, you know? I'd like to cut through the chase, you know?  People are lazy. It just saddens me, you know?   Let's cut to the chase. And what I mean is let's have a few phone calls. Let's figure, if, listen, see the problem is this. Swipe dating is the least effective way to connect with people because it is so bastardized how we treat human beings, okay? This particular app, this app. You guys know this app? This app, in particular. It is bastardized, the dating process. Because we've trivialized and marginalized people to just a photograph. And that's just sad.  Most of you guys have the shittiest profiles I've ever seen. The quality is so crappy. No wonder men are flaky and the men are crappy and it's no wonder you're flaky. So I get it. Hey, Susan wants to be on the hot seat. Susan, show yourself. Oh, you're on mute. All right. Oh, there you go. I'll put you back. Oh, put the camera on? Okay. No, the camera's not on. There you go. Hey, Susan. Hey, I don't wanna be a hog. It's just nobody else did. So I mean, I'm happy to. Okay, what's your question? Continue that conversation I was asking about. Well, one thing I asked about that questionnaire, you didn't really answer it. Like, why don't you develop a 10 point questionnaire for us to have? So we don't know. I do, it's in my private coaching. Jonathanasley.com forward slash coaching. If you want help with that, that's what I do for a living, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I- Anyway, it's more than 10 questions. We have put together a complete comprehensive way of looking at a person from a variety of different factors, most importantly, compatibility and emotional maturity. And I gotta tell you, I get calls from women all clients who worked with me. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy and they know the difference. Right. It's, I think the women who seem to make an investment in themselves seem to have the best results. That's what I've observed. Right. It's like kind of turn off the man by like interviewing him that like on the phone. Well, let's think about this. It's not an interview. It's a conversation. How do you get to know another human being? You ask questions. Right. It's like, that's how you get to know another human being. It can be as simple as, hey, I don't want to waste my time and I assume you're the same as me. You might as well ask each other a few serious questions just to see if we're on the same page. We can make this fun too. Is that okay? Boom. It's as simple as that. Okay. Well, then getting back to what my question was, is that, you know, there's, I guess there's trade-offs in any relationship, but say if it is where the woman might be, but they do other things, you know, they provide, I guess like they provide things that she can't do. So, and with the idea if the person wants to have it. Well, let's be, you know what? Let's not play in the vague. So give me an example of a specific. Okay. There's a long distance and. Are we talking about you? We don't have to. I mean, it doesn't have to be me. Let's just like talk about in general. I'm just saying for instance. So. But I want specifics if you're going to do this general. I'm going to give you a scenario. So the person lives 300 miles away. So they're going to be moving and just say the, both of them share a feeling about it may be, things may really change and you may have to leave the city. You may have to go off and make your own food and live in some place. Like just say, you know, there's a possibility that happened. So she may be able to afford an acre out in 10 buck two or something. And he can't, but he's a horticulturist and he knows how to do all that stuff. So he goes out there and does what he does. They don't have to live together until the world falls apart and maybe never falls apart. But I'm just saying it's kind of a reassurance. And plus they already, I mean, they're a good match, but maybe not in this current situation. So I had a client I worked with and she was very successful branding specialist. She probably made a half a million dollars a year was just her paycheck, okay? Just to give you some context. And she met a man who had a startup business. Actually his startup business was basically singles adventures, like he'd put together singles to do river rafting and things like that. And but the business failed.    So she called, we're working together. She's like apprehensive because she has substantially more resources than him.  She has significant assets. And so she was the primary investor in the relationship. Now they moved in together and they eventually bought a home together. She bought the home. He manages the house. He fixes everything. He plans her schedule. He takes, he has taken so much load off of her life that she can make more money because he does this. That is called mutual exchange. And I want to recommend to everybody a book called the partnership charter. This is a business book, but it talks about mutual exchange. Relationships are an exchange of energy. And the minute we culturalize it and, you know, societalize it, that's where it gets tricky. If two people are sovereign human beings or grownups, they can choose to do it however they wish. Right. And, but I suppose I could close the question there. They, I, you know what, I lost my train of thought. I'm sorry. I'll think of it probably when we stop. Well, the train will come back. I think just because it's like the woman is acculturated. Like the mother says, your brother's going to college.  So I mean, it's like that is what you're raised on. I mean, mothers do that to daughters. I mean, I'm not saying it's right. I particularly know of two women who are inherited a substantial amount of money. I'm talking in the substantial 30s, 40s, 50 millions of dollars. Okay. The interest alone is more than 98% of people make in a year. Okay. That's their interest. And in both cases, they're with men who don't have very many resources. Right. These are great human beings. Right. Really great human beings. They do so much. And yet that programming is sabotaging each of these relationships. Well, sometimes we don't even start a relationship like that. So I guess the question is, do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? Of course you want to be happy. You don't want to be right. And if you've got a great guy and you've got the hang up in your head, you've got to fix the hang up in your head. I see. Well, it's just a reverse role because a man is used to, you know- I know, we can argue the point. Oh, no, I'm just asking. We can argue why it's there. But I mean, at the end of the day, I invite your friend or whoever you're speaking about change the mindset. But most importantly, I don't have a copy of the book, but my friend, Ariel Ford, I'm interviewing her soon. She wrote a book called Wabi Sabi Love. The question is, if this person was no longer in your life, how would you feel? Well- Money can have by real love and connection. Right. It's just what I'm asking is, because it's expected like a man usually- It's not- Again, we can talk about that, but I guess, Susan, I'm trying to say to you, we can argue that for the next hour and a half. It's irrelevant. No, no, no, I'm not arguing. I'm just saying that- Well, when I'm at argument, I'm at argument, I mean, in the sense we can debate it. But it doesn't.   No, but this is a question. What if you're really not at that stage where you're just thinking about it in your head? Build enough trust to get to that stage. Or move on, or just move on. Or just move on, yeah. Because you can get close to somebody and then you all of a sudden, you just realize after three months, you really aren't on the same page. I mean, it takes a while to get to know- That's why it's called dating because no one else came up with a great- Talk about triggering your childhood wounds, causing you to rethink all your things. There's all these different, if I've listed all the things that dating does, it triggers every anxiety, fear, doubt, shame, trust, guilt, blah, blah, blah. That's why it's called dating. Right. But if you hadn't moved in, so I'm not saying you moved in soon. I really don't know your situation, but- Well, by the way, if the woman is financially more substantial, then I first and foremost is protect your assets via trust and through some sort of, I would even say if someone moves in, that there's a written agreement of spelling out how it should, how the financial arrangement is, look, because by the way, you don't, if you lived in California, there are palimony laws. Right. Hey, Susan, I'm gonna be wrapping up this question, okay? All right. Okay, well, thank you. Bye. Can I give you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug? Okay. Thank you. All right, thanks a bunch. Bye-bye. Bye now. I'm really grateful for Susan being in the house. That takes bravery to get on the hot seat. All right, folks, you know what? I'm tired.  We just described the seven early signs to build, to demonstrate a man has building trust with you. I go back and invite you to go watch that and really take to heart that trust is an essential piece of every significant relationship. And it takes, while it takes time to build trust, it also takes an intentionality and most importantly, a willingness to actually want to build a significant relationship with someone. And sadly, today is just a very passive way of getting to know someone. And I'm here to encourage a bulldozer way to get to know someone, okay?  Find out as much as you can before you go to trial. All right. If I'd like to hear your thoughts on this, post a comment below at this resonated with you. If you want to connect with me, check out the links to a discovery call, check out the books I recommend, check out my group, follow me on Instagram, all those ways. I hope this resonated with you. If you did say, yes, Jonathan, this resonated with me. All right. If you did, I'd like you to hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And I'm gonna wrap up this videos I always do.  I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives and we need eight more dollars to hit that $50 mark tonight. I'm gonna say thanks to Julianne and Patty and Margaret and Elizabeth and Catherine. Let's see. Sherry, McCoy, Elizabeth. Kimmy, Chrissy, June. McCoy, Gigi, Dominique, Stephens. Ba-ba, Susie. Everyone, thanks so much for being on tonight. Wishing you a wonderful day and thanks Susan for being on the hot seat as well. I appreciate you being real. So thanks so much, everyone. Be well, have a fab evening. Take care, bye now.