You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications button so you're notified for when my next podcast goes live. So the men I used to go and see at 10 were older as well.  At 10? Yeah. So I lost my anal virginity at 14. But it wasn't, I don't know if people see this as bad, but for me it wasn't. I was so good at making people believe. Making people believe that everything was cool. I started working in a massage parlor when I was 14.  And it's not even my story that's making me upset. It's literally because if I knew that anyone had to go through anything or any kind of abuse, being hit or mentally abused or anything like that, that is what kills, you know? Yeah. All the years then, how many men do you think you've been with? A lot. I would say at least 20,000, maybe more. Really good. Yeah. Yeah, good. What actually? No, actually, we've just had, so myself and Daniel, we've just had our puppy in a lorry crash and literally I will never ever be able to forget it. Like we, so Damon was taking our eldest daughter in into the house, into our parents' house and I was just literally, through just an edit, I was taking the laptop into our home because that's where we live and Bullseye, our little son, our little puppy son came out and literally straight under a lorry and I couldn't believe it. And I could just, even now, I can picture his face and his arm going under and then I screamed and I've never screamed like that in my whole life and then Damien brushed out, grabbed him and so it's been really, really tense and then we were told that he was going to have to have it amputated but then we've done the best care on him and literally now he doesn't have to have it amputated and there's no infection. So it's like, yay! And then we've had, yeah, my boob. Touch on all that, yeah, yeah. It's exploding and yeah, because of sepsis and everything. So it's been, I... Difficult few weeks? Yeah, I would say since February because my kind of confidence has really gone downhill even more so than it normally is. So yeah, it's been quite difficult to be honest, yes.  We're going to get Damien on the podcast after yourselves. Yeah, we're ready for it back. But always go back to the start of my guests, get a bit of understanding about you, where you grew up, how it all began. Oh my goodness. So, yeah, let's go back. So my dad looked after me, me and my sister. My mum left because I think it, wow, I know that it was other men who were more appealing than me and my sister. So, yeah, she went off when I was five, then became a mum really to my sister. And we are very close. My dad liked to work a lot and that was in Bristol. So most of the kind of my growing up was my dad doing the best that he could as a single dad, their mum coming in and out of my life mostly. And then really, the funny thing is as I used to worship my mum as I was growing up.  And then there was kind of a lot of kind of abuse there, mental abuse, I would say. And kind of abuse with our men and all that type of thing. So I found that very hard but kept it very quiet. So that was difficult being honest. And I didn't really then like her and as a person then growing up and then she died. So I have a lot of guilt there as well. So that's kind of back in the day. The salvation really was actually getting into my performing arts. So I was acting at a young age about 10. And then at 10 I found cock that was a release kind of from my, I would say, normal kind of life. My dad had a series of houses and would have to be hardworking. So at that time big up to my dad because he was a hardworking single parent. Didn't have many girlfriends or anything like that because he gave his life to me and my sister. And then he met someone and we moved to Bradford and Avon. And that's when I was about 10. Again, mum kind of flitting around everywhere. So it was kind of at 10, I, yeah, we moved to Bradford and Avon. And then literally it was a next door neighbour. He was 14. It was a real set, I will be honest with you, even though I was 10 I was very sexual. So about the age of eight I was kind of, I remember being on my rocking horse and having that feeling of like, I don't know whether it was orgasm but that feeling of feeling like, oh, this is a release. Like this feels good. So then I'd be like in the shed most days, like especially over the summer we candles and all of that. So I remember these boxes of white candles and going in there and like putting them inside and that feeling of like release and everything. And so then I was eight, but then I lost my virginity at 10. And it was a weird one because it wasn't like normal. So we went to his tent. Sorry, I went to his tent and his brother and my sister were outside the tent with friends trying to look in this like kind of mesh gauze.  And then he'd come inside me and it was done and over and done with. But then it was a buzz. Then it was a right buzz. Like, I want to get more of this. So then it was Facebook. And what was the one also that I bumble? Yeah. Oh my God, that's it. Yeah. So then I was contacted on the old computer, my dad's computer, contacting all these different men and then going out and getting my release at that age. So I lost my anal virginity at 14. But it wasn't, I don't know if people see this as bad, but for me it wasn't. At that time, then I had my mom then got rights after me and my sister to see us. And then literally we go, we go over there on weekends and she'd have all these kind of black guys over. She went for nothing. I have nothing against race or absolutely anything like that. In fact, I've had porn where I'm with all different races and genders and being with all different people. And I love it and I genuinely love it. But at this time, she loved to see black guys and I was then brought into the room. My sister was in, it was kind of protection. Of course, my mum didn't know or anything like that. But these guys used to really shame me for my weight. At that time I was really overweight as well as a child. I think, again, it was that kind of feeding a kind of like addiction of food as well as sex. So then it was like having these older men kind of abuse me, being welcomed into the room. I have to watch my mum have sex.  Look at you. My mum would then buy me clothes that were way too small for me because she was very skinny. She had anorexia. So she was very skinny. My sister was skinny, but I was an overweight child. And yeah, it was, I can remember bits of like going into the room and touching me, all of that type of thing. It was never full sex. It was always touching. I'd have to like kiss them or something like that. And I do, I remember this one guy and he was, yeah, he'd really touch, you know, really kind of like finger. Oh, all of that type of thing. The nonsense. The pedophiles. Well, yeah. Yeah. It makes me sad. Sophie's and you're telling me this.   I am very open. So this bit, I will be honest. I've never told, apart from, apart from Damien. There's, there's things that he's going to tell you about his life and things, but that we really connect on. And I found something that I really connect with like everything, spiritually, everything. He's good for my soul. But this yet never, never, ever told anyone my dad doesn't know or anything. And now, like looking back, I'm just like, and I think that's why I could never forgive my mom. Because I was like, you let these men. Do you blame her? No. Now I feel guilty because I didn't connect with her when she died of cancer. You can't. I feel guilty. You can't know. I feel really guilty about it. Did she know about the men touching you though? Yeah. She was in the bedroom. Yeah. I'm sorry. But you can't. And everything. You can't feel sorry for her. And touch her. And yeah.  But it was, yeah, pretty much. Was she a prostitute? No. No. She was, so she always tried to better herself. And what were you? So she had these like dead-end jobs. But then she'd get, let's say a, she'd want to be a social worker. So she'd go and do a college job or a college course or something like that. And I was like, oh, you know, mom's doing it now. Mom's doing it now. She'd always have these little flats. And my dad used to have to take us food over there on the weekends because she didn't have enough food for us. But there were little mental things she used to do. Like get me in front of the mirror and go, look at the state of you.  Like look at the state of you. Look at me. I'm fitting into your clothes. I always used to buy me clothes on my birthday and Christmas, nothing else. And put them on herself in front of the mirror and go, look at me. I can fit into your clothes. I've bought these for you. These, these clothes you're supposed to fit into. And instead your, I'd have to buy you 14 year old clothes for a 10 year old. I'm like, wow. Wow. And now I look back at it and I think, God, I'd never, now I've got daughters because they are mine. Damien's got two daughters. Unfortunately I haven't met his son yet. But they're mine. And I would never, ever put them at any harm. Or in fact, I'm very protective and I've got my own son. He's 15 and I am so protective. I was until, until he left, but we'll go on to that. But yeah, I never, I could never forgive her for a long time. So there was a time when I was then 14.  It wouldn't be on a weekend that I'd have to be there. So my sister was always in the, on the sofa. And then I'd go in there. I have to go in there. She'd take me in on the nighttime. My sister didn't know anything either with these, with these guys. And again, I just want to say that I'm literally, it's nothing about race or anything like that. That's who my mum had over. So, you know, whichever guys they were on whatever race or anything. That's what they did to me. And that was, that was who she was seeing at the time. Do I have any kind of against any guys? No, no, literally.  And I'm comfortable with who I am now. When I was 14, I then have bad anorexia, really bad, where even I thought having a drop of water would put on weight. And I remember saying to my dad, so I hadn't eaten for about coming on two weeks. And I fainted at school. And they're like, well, what's going on? I was super thin in fact, but I kept pinching, you know. And then, yeah, I just kept looking in the mirror and pinching, see where I could get little bits of fat and, and even, even to the point where it was on my toe. And I'd be like, oh my God. And I say to my sister, she'd very into dance, very athletic. So I had to add my mom who was anorexic. So the men I'd used to go and see at 10 were older as well.    So, so I particularly, I, I know what I was doing though. I was very aware whether... You think you know what you're doing, but you don't really?  My daughter's 12, man.  Really?  That's abuse. Oh, yeah. No, it is. Do you know what I mean?  They're taking advantage of your vulnerability. Yeah. But I do want to say here that I'm some kind of victim. And that's why... Of course, I get it, I get it. Because that's, that's not what I'm saying. I'm not a victim. I'm very strong and independent. And, um, it's, it's nothing, nothing like that at all. Um, so, so, yeah. But then I was choosing, I was choosing. And I was getting drink. I was getting fags and, and all of that. What I wanted. So it was kind of like, if you think about it, a payment, um, for my services, even at that time. Um, then, then, um, then I was very into drama. Drama was my escape. Total. I'd get on buses. So coming up now into my teens, I then had a real voice, an opera voice. And it was, and honestly, doing musical theater. Um, what was the first one I was in? Um, Sweeney Todd. I was, it was fantastic. It was, I was like, this is what I want to do. Um, so I had my voice, my singing teacher. So one thing then my dad did was notice that I had a voice there. Um, and he then paid for singing lessons for me. Um, so, and it was great going to the music theater. Then I, I honestly, so then I was coming up to, um, going to secondary school. Um, going to secondary school. And I had no friends. I didn't want any. I, um, was still seeing guys and then couples online and everything. So I'd be going, excuse me, up to the music center on a lunchtime. I wasn't interested in anyone else. No younger people I connected with at all. Um, but one thing I loved is changing into different characters, doing my drama and my singing. And I'd go to the music center, go and do my music lesson. Um, Is that because it took it took you away from who you really were? And you, um, another form of, another form of an escape kind of. Um, do you know what? I wouldn't even say that. I, I really enjoy playing different people. I don't know if that's an escape. I don't know what you say, but I'd, I'd really researched into different characters. And, and then, then really, I was making my own kind of personalities of myself. Um, which, in which I then was able to do very easily. So that's why I was so good at drama, because then I was changing, um, especially in my teens.  Uh, kind of thing. Like how I didn't want to go and see someone who's putting me down all the time. And that wasn't even from a sexual thing with our blokes. That was literally, I just didn't want to be put down anymore. I was sick of that. I was crying every night. Like how could my mom treat me like this? And then like being so anorexic and so thin and having to look at myself in the mirror and picturing my mom there, doing all of that to me. Then at this time I was fancying women. Um, so at school, I really fancied this basketball player and she was a woman. Then I was getting, I told someone as well of my age and I said, I really fancy this girl. Anyway, shamed, totally shamed. Everyone in my tutor group was like, and again, like I wasn't eating. So I was like fainting all the time. Um, my dad really never picked up on anything. So even when I fainted, it was like he was there, but not really there. And then I was trying to come out at that time as well. What actually helped was I was seeing women, older women, and they'd be doming me. I'd go and see them after school. Usually around the area, Bradford Trail Bridge, I'd bunk on trains to go and see them. I'd go up to London sometimes as well. Again, it was having an older woman there, and she'd come in me, but I was really enjoying it.  It really was. And I know you think like 10 and kind of going on a train or a bus for sex is weird, but it was a real buzz. And then I'd go, I'd be knocking on these doors of these women or couples. And then it was really exciting. It was. I suppose it was then I was having this older figure who was a mum like, but she was like doming me in a way, like slapping me or licking me and making me orgasm. And I was like, this is amazing. Really amazing. So how old were you then? So I was a little bit older then, 14, yeah. I knew then that I really liked women. And again, being ashamed at school and everything. Then I could go and see women after school that I'd messaged. Of course, didn't have a mobile or anything then. So I'd be going home quick or I'd arrange to meet after school. Sometimes they come and pick me up after school. My sister was doing all her clubs. So she was cool and safe. And as long as she was all right, I stepped mum at the time. Again, a total nightmare. She'd like, so we'd have to, when our children came over, we'd have to be put outside in a tent, me and my sister. Because she didn't want us around. She was embarrassed of us. And then it got to like, no, they're going out in the tent. They're going out in the tent. I'm not going to cook for them or anything like that. So I started just doing little bits of my sister when she wasn't there. But again, I'd always be like the mum figure anyway. So I said, I've got to make sure she was all right in doing what she needed to do. And again, I'm not saying that this is like, oh, poor me. I'm not like that at all. I'm just wanting to explain what was happening at that time. And so she put us out. And then she didn't like cats. And my two cats at the time were everything. So I was very, I loved my animals. I really did. And once she tried to poison, apparently it wasn't her, but I knew. And then she tried, she'd like do things like she'd make a cottage pie, but purposely ruin it. Or I catch her spitting in our food. Why would you do that? Like again, another woman who was in my life who would do that. And things like that, never sexual. So my dad was honestly the light in my life, as well as all that everything else I was doing. But he was, although he wasn't really there, he was and he was doing the best he can at the time he had to work. So we were left with this woman who we just, she was a manic depressive. But now I understand how that feels because I'm pretty much the same and very high or very, very low. Then I, so then my mom was then, I go there on weekends and she just gave me a little line, whether that was, and then of course I'd wanted to go there on weekends. So just for that kind of release of a little line of coke or something like that. Again, then I'd be abused. So then I didn't want to go back, but having that like drugs them, it started about 14. I then meet older guys who just like abuse. I loved to be used. So, but, but I was in control of that. I was very, I've always been very submissive, but I was in control.  Give me your vodka, give me your coke. But I wanted to do that. And then I see these gorgeous women who, older women who are housewives. And I get my pleasure from that as well.  Then literally I met Louis's dad, who's my son, through my sister, who was seeing, then started seeing older bloke, because I wasn't, then I started not to really be there. I was very into my acting at the time. 16, 17, I'd go to London and go and do auditions on my own. I went for X factor and I was doing my GCSEs. I really wanted to accomplish some things myself. Maybe that sounds really selfish actually, because then I wasn't really around for my sister as much. So then she met an older guy and then I felt really bad. But I was trying, so my GCSEs, I got all A's in music, dance and drama, A star in drama, music, A, you know, all my other ones academically, I wasn't good. But I worked really hard. So I got all overseas for everything. Would your teachers ever see any change in you? They're not taking coke. No, but taking coke, losing weight, and they never see the attention maybe you're getting from other boys. No, there was no boys at school, I wasn't interested. So you hid it from everyone at school? They hated me because of being bisexual at the time. Me fancying girls was not a thing. And because I was so shamed, I'd go to my lessons and then singing at the music centre. Whatever break I had was singing, then I'd sing after school, and then I'd go and meet someone, whether it was a guy or a woman. And then that's, but when I really got into, so I went to Bath Light Opera Group. Now they were doing, again, that was around adults. I loved it, loved it.  Then there was someone there who was very concerned. She was a teacher at Bath College, and I fainted there on a dance session. She was like, there's something, something not right. There's something not right. I was very concerned, but I was so good at making people believe, you know, making people believe that everything was cool. And yes, but she was probably the only one, but she never came to me again. After that, I was, again, I'd be different personalities. So I'd go there, and I was, I was very grown up, had this beautiful voice. Then I had a singing teacher then, even higher up. And she was like, you're going to have to go to opera school. She said, you're good enough for musical theatre. Do you want me to take you further to get, and you can sing Italian? And I was like, yeah, let's do it, let's do it. And then, so I was, I was, I had all these offers then. This was at 16 to go to the Bristol Old Vic, but I didn't really want to go there. Mainly for kind of the old-school acting, mainly acting there. And I wanted to sing musical theatre so bad. So then I had offers from the Guild Hall, Guildford. I then went to the National Theatre of Performing Arts at Greenwich. I was there for a week, and because I managed to get in. And it was amazing. My drama teacher was a real one and believed in me. And he was an amazing guy, amazing guy. And that was back in secondary school. And I really connected with him. And also there was a music teacher called Mr. Daniels. And he was great. There was another music teacher who was kind of a bit touchy. So, and I go into the keyboard room and maybe sense that I was quite vulnerable. So there was a teacher at school who was quite touchy. I'd go in there and he'd be like touching me a bit. So I think there was a sense of also people seeing that I was vulnerable as well at that time. Like I said, very thin, very thin, very gaunt looking. And then I didn't see my mum until after Lewis was born. So I met Lewis's dad through my sister. And then literally he was, he took me away from everything. I got very attached because I was very focused about a year on my performing about a year, a year and a half. So there was one that's doing all the tech stuff on the side. I was so focused on becoming who I wanted to be. And that was my singing that I knew that I had to do performing one way or the other. Then that focus was then taken away. Unfortunately then I got onto crack. He got me onto it. He was doing it anyway. I was doing crack and then I got pregnant. What age? I was 17. Just coming on 18 actually. I was pregnant and I was like, right, okay. I'm definitely going to keep. Because although he took me away from that, I was still on crack. I was literally... So he's not really took you away from anything? He's added to your pen? He's added. Yeah, he's added. I can't even get really upset about this because this was a decision. All these are decisions that I've made apart from what my mum did. This was a decision I made to have my beautiful boy. And honestly, I knew I needed something like that time to take me away from the crack. I remember being in this crack house, knowing that I was pregnant, looking at this fish tank. They were doing crack behind me, all these people. This little boy was running about in this crack house. I remember looking at him and knowing that I didn't want my baby. I was three months pregnant when I found out and I stopped it that day.   So at this time, it was me and him. I didn't do anything outside of this. As in, the baby was definitely his. I did nothing. I wasn't so I was in love because I know what love feels like now, 14 years later. But yeah, it was...  I knew at this time, I was like, if I don't, then my son is going to be this boy in here. And I was not going to have that.  Do you feel as if you like that control? People controlling you because you never had that? It's a little baby inside. There's people controlling you, telling you what to do because you never really had that mother figure and father figure around. Yeah, I think so. At this time, then my sister was going off and doing what she wanted to do.  You know what? She was horrible. It was her kind of mental, again, a mental abuse as well. Putting a son in a tent and that. Why would you do that? I don't understand. In fact, I hated her more than I hated my own mum, which is weird. I don't know. Then I got in touch with my mum. So I haven't been in touch with her really until I was pregnant. And I suppose I wanted to connect with her at this time. And I did. I don't know. I was trying to find something in her that was motherly. Just love. Yeah, it must have been. It must have been. And I had this baby. When I found out it was a boy, I was like, yes. Because actually I didn't want him to turn out like me because I was very lost. And again, without the drugs, I was like, I am going to do everything in my power now to provide everything. Even if it means the rest of my life, I don't ever do what I want to do. I was going to do everything in my power to protect. What was the story you were going to say that you've never told anybody? Literally, it's about my mum. And I've never even told therapists about these guys. Why? Actually, one of them had me by the throat and I pissed myself. We were on holiday. And what it was me, this is the one time my mum actually took us away, actually. And I remember this. We went to Spain. And one of her blokes, who we are with them, me and my sister, again, I was very protective. This was before now. This was before. And I think I was 12 or 13. She got rights of seeing us.  She won't bother at all. My dad was... He knew about the kind of mental abuse. So he tried to protect us. He had to go to court and everything like that. Now, my mum tried to get custody of my sister, but not me. That's weird. She purposely tried to get custody of my sister and didn't... Maybe that was because of the abuse, that because of being in the room. She looked at me maybe not as a daughter. I don't know. But we're on holiday.  But we went out with these... Me and my sister were with these group of people. We were like, oh, we're having a good time. You know what? Like when you're younger, you're not drunk. But because you're having like a good time, you're high and like life. And I... When he came over, this guy, and we were like, look, we're not coming with you for dinner. We're like, we're doing our own thing. So we went to a club that night and parted, went back. And this... I was 13. My sister was 11. And we just wanted our free time. Anyway, they locked us out at this age. They locked us out of this apartment. I managed to get in, right? Because I jammed, I was quite good. So like, I was like... Even back then, I was kind of... I did my own thing. So I like bunk on trains or, you know, I get things from shops. If I... Because of what my mum did, if I wanted clothes, I stole them myself. So going to top shop, I go and steal clothes because I was so happy getting thongs that didn't even fit because I was so thin. I'd be in like the mirror and I'd be like, I'm going to steal this now because I loved the fact there was so much, you know, even the smallest size. A lot of my inscriptions had so much to do with my weight and it still does now. It really does. I've had to put on weight because I'm actually getting my butt done and it's like terrible. It's the most terrible thing ever at the moment apart from other things that are going on. So, yeah, so when we went in there, I managed to get in and again, it was why I was protected by my sister. I heard them shouting. I'm not... My mum in this bloke. And I went out because in fact I wanted to protect my mum at this time. They were shouting about nothing. I think they were both pissed at you. Anyway, he comes, storms into the hallway, grabs my throat and he says, how dare you be rude? Anyway, I never had anything like that and he tried to strangle me and I remember being on the verge of passing out but actually just pissing myself. It was so embarrassing. This is like really embarrassing. My mum was on the bed looking through the door at this guy strangling me. I had marks on my neck from the next day. And then there were like parties with them as well and there was always drugs there and all that type of thing and offering me shit.  So this is all things that come back in those days. So what happened after you had your son then? Right. OK, so I connected with my mum. My dad, I didn't see it this time. Right. Could you not be with both at the same time? It always seems either with your dad or with your mum. Yeah. There's a lot of jealousy between them who had the kids. Oh, absolutely. My dad in the past was trying to protect us but with social services and all that type of thing, it was very difficult for a dad. There was no fathers for justice at that time or anything. So she always got rights and I never said anything about any kind of abuse. I was embarrassed actually.  Do you feel as if you're trying to protect your mum as well? Because you never really understood that. Yeah. Yeah, I was, yeah. And I always wanted that connection with my mum. So you'd have done anything for her? I would have done anything for her. Yeah. I think that's part of a manipulation because it seems like you can manipulate men as well. Yeah. But apart, probably she's manipulated you to a certain degree. I don't want her anyway, but doing that knows that then you want her. Oh, yeah, yeah. And we actually, when I was pregnant, we connected. Why do you think that was? Probably not on a mother level, maybe a friend.  Oh, no, because I never left him. So, yeah, that would not, no, that would not happen. But did it cross your mind? No. No, it didn't at all because I was in full protective mode. So when he was born, I was in hostels and everything. The thing is about my mum as well, I feel, I know there was abuse there. She's telling me when she was younger in our foster homes. So I felt really bad for that. She wouldn't make you feel really bad. Do you think a lot of what she says is lies though? Could be lies? Because she knows you're vulnerable. She's prayed on your vulnerability. Do you know what, I'm a very, very sensitive person. Yeah. That's why I connect with so many people because I, being honest with you, I have no judgment of anyone. If someone's walking down the street and I've never, ever said anything bad about that person, never, because I couldn't. But the world we're in now, man, people use that as a weakness. Oh, absolutely they do. So people out there with their own agenda would pray on that all day long. Yeah. Somebody that's not got a bad word to say about anybody. Yeah.  Well, and the thing is with my little boy's dad is he was very abusive. Fifths, mainly. How old was he? So he was older than me. He's older. I would say eight years old, eight years older than me he was. Yeah. Yeah. I think, again, it's control. Again, it's definitely a control thing. To a certain extent, when I was younger, my dad had a lot of control. I think he tried to do that in a more protective way. But I was like, I was always out and about. There are things my dad did when I was younger that we had to lie a lot. So one thing that the step mum did, which I hated her for, she tried to restrict my, so we didn't see him anyway. And then she tried to restrict my dad from seeing us even more so. And maybe that's what I couldn't forgive her for more so than my mum is that little bit that I had of my dad was then being restricted. She was jealous over me and my sister at any time. So what we had to do is lie a lot. So again, this fed into my kind of personalities as well. Very good at lying. Very good. I was a professional liar at the time. Now as I talk to therapists, actually, I never lied to Damien because if I did, I thought that would take me to the past. So even if it hurts, I'm always very open with him. I have to be.  But also I didn't want to be that as I've grown older and especially when I hit my 30s, I didn't want to be that liar anymore at all. Like a lot of it. So that was this from my ex there. How long did that last? So literally throughout the pregnancy and then it was three months after Lewis was born. I wanted to try and see if I could change him. And no. Was he still taking crack once your son was born? It was mainly Coke and that. And being honest, then I found it hard to cope a little bit. So then I was doing that and then I had to get away. So then I was in and out of hostels. And I feel now that makes me a really bad mum, but it was actually trying to cope with them being on my own. And I would hate, you know, for anyone to have any kind of like addiction in that way. Because I don't look at sex as a bad thing for me. I really don't.   I want that release. I want that. So even now I feel like that. I get excited. Like, and me and Damien were on the same level. So it's like, babe, should we go and do this tonight? We're like, yeah, yeah. So now it's fun. It's really fun. And I love my life now with Day. It's great. Does that then become a drug? Is there a connection to it? Is your sex fulfilled? Is it love? Is it compassion?  Oh, it has been. So my escorting day started. So I started working in a massage parlor when I was 14.  So, you know, it was, it was great that massage parlor at that time didn't ID you. It was only when they started to get tight that it was then your ID. So then I didn't really do it that much. And then I used my money basically for drinking and all that. But when, when Lewis was born, we were in and out of hostels. I didn't have any food then or anything. In fact, the one time that I didn't feel guilty about putting on weight and being totally healthy weight wise. You know, I was eating salmon every day, making sure that because I wasn't the best possible start for him. So that was even in there, you know, and, and it was great. And that's when I, you know, he was growing inside it. It was the best ever. I total control over what I fed my body at that time. So a lot of my life has to do with eating right from back and right from then how I could restrict so much and just drink little sips of water every day just to keep my mouth dry. I'm sorry, my mouth wet from becoming dry and all that. And seeing you're working on a broth at 14, surely people must have knew that you were only a kid. Um, maybe. Yeah. But I said, I said I was, you know, I was 80.    But then there was you then you get, you get mud and all that type of thing from the older women. You had to try and fight to keep your money safe and everything. I would advise any girl not to work in a massage parlor, but I would advise because also the men got away with a lot. You have someone in charge of you again. And I think back now, why did I allow that when that's what my mum did? Maybe, maybe I wanted to be controlled. Used to it. Yeah, yeah, used to it. Yeah. Um, so then. When your son's born then. So is that a case of trying to change your life or is that a case of going back to what you know? Going back to what I know. I, so I have to go back. Um, so when I was in the massage parlor, I got babysitters. I paid for him to go into private nurseries. So all my money was honestly getting used on that. I wanted him to have the best possible life. Um, absolutely. So I was back in the, in the parlor that I was working for back at 14.  Literally. I was, um, and then I was still seeing, seeing guys and that outside. Um, because again, it was then after manager control, but I went to do my own thing outside. So I go to swingers, clubs and everything. I really good babysitters. But don't get me wrong. The time that I spent in my son, knowing I had that amount of money there was brilliant. We did everything. I was driving. I was, you know, we go to places and it was quality time all from growing up, all from growing up. I see what you were trying to do is work and just give your son the best opportunities it can. Absolutely, why not? But did you ever feel dirty and used when you were with your son at any point or did you just totally zone out of all that? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Um, then, you know, I must admit I haven't been the best mum. I haven't because, um, the side of work that I do, um, you know, he didn't, so I told him when he was 10 because there were some mums at his school. So we had a great life. Monetary wise, I took him to Disney and Florida. We were doing everything. Um, so his dad cleaned up. Um, he then met someone who was, so I didn't want what my mum and dad fought all the time.  Um, you know, there was always this struggle between them, like who was better? They put the other one down in front of me and my sister and say how awful they are. And that was one thing. I, even though how I didn't like, uh, Lewis's dad, I was never ever going to put him down in front of you. He was never going to know things, what happened because I wasn't going to do that. So he did see him. Um, he met this woman and I, she was, um, like a second mum to live. So when you go and see them on, so I was then able to work fully on a weekend. And that's what I did. I, I literally worked.  And I knew I was doing good. Um, so, um, then he met this woman. They had kids together. And I was like, it's fine because do you know what? She took care of low. She really did. And I never wanted to be one of those women.  No, why would you do that? If, if my little boy, the love and light of my life, like literally everything to me, um, if, if he was going to taken care of and he was, he cleaned up his act. Um, she was the most wonderful mum. And I'll still say that about her now. She is the most wonderful mum. Um, and, um, she was, um, in a way. Um, I found as well, she was stable for low as well because I, I was put myself down. Um, and, and that was thing. I, that was something because I think my mum did it. I used to put myself down so much because then I found nobody else can hurt me if I was that critical. And I was very critical in my performing as well. So if I, if I even got a note wrong or a tone slightly wrong, no, I redo it. If it, you know, very critical because I found as well, if, if you're that critical and made perfection that good of my singing and my acting, no one else would do it. Um, and, and I found that as myself as well.  And I found it as like a, I put a, um, um, I rocks around my heart. So that's how I, I vision it because I'm very good at doing that vision in things. And I'm very creative even now. Yeah. I've had porn stars on before and some of them are scared to have kids because obviously they're past and scared of, so when they go to school and I've had people, I've had, I've had people as had kids and it's just a case that I need to go on with.  I'm thinking, you ever worry that. I don't want anyone to feel bad as me. You can't think that way.  People need to understand why you do what you do. That's what my job is to do is to get an understanding of the person is to break all the barriers down and people go, you know what, she's actually okay. Yeah. Because it's you. But I don't want, this is what I do. You're not playing, you're not playing that.   But you don't want to feel it because you've conditioned yourself so much. Just because I know there's so many people right there who would like to suffer. And that, that's what kills me. Not my own. Not my own at all. And the amount of people like in the LGBT community, they get, and this makes me really sad. And I just, I also just want to quickly point out as well that now I've got two daughters and I feel for them so much like what they go through with like their mum and that. And that's what kills me more than anything because I want to make sure that I protect people. And it's not even my story that's making me upset. It's literally because if I knew that anyone had to go through anything or any kind of abuse being hit or mentally abused or anything like that, that is what kills, you know? Yeah. Honestly, that is what actually kills me.   Surgery is something again that I love and I do it because it's something that I love. I like making myself look good and all of that, you know? I love wearing my wigs. I love putting my makeup on. That's safe, you know? And again, like it's when I've got this on, in fact, I botox my lips done for a while because me and Damien will tell you about that as well. We've had a real struggle over the past year financially and we're now on the verge of getting somewhere. But this is all kind of like in the pipeline, you know, everything. So that makes me really happy. But I have to go through a struggle every day of looking in the mirror and going and all I can see is hate for myself. Total hate. One, because of not particularly what I did for a living because at the moment I don't escort on my own. Me and Dee escort together.  So it's really great. And we do that together because I wasn't with anyone then. There was someone who came into my life who again, I thought I loved. But it was actual mental abuse again. He tried to keep me and it wasn't very long. Again, when Lewis was away on weekends, I then built up a co-cordiction and this guy was kind of feeding that as well. And then trying to keep me like there because although I was doing the escort in and that, then I had money. He wasn't providing money by the way, this guy.  And that's one thing like that frightens me when I got into relationship. Wasn't the sex or anything like it's being used for money and then everything gone. And that's what has happened. But I'm in love with Damien.  Yeah, yeah. The thing was then my mum died. So I was in the hospital and all I had was guilt there. Guilt of then not being...  How could you do that, do that what you did to me when I was younger? Again, it wasn't actually the sexual stuff. It was all to do with my weight.  But everything in my whole life is being to do with my weight and being thin. You're not looking right now and go, oh my God, you're like joking, right? But it's because I feel really fat now. But yeah, it was all to do with that and that's what I can't forgive her for. But then when she died, I felt so guilty. So guilty being with her there and I thought, I haven't seen you. Now I can't make anything up. It's difficult, man, because to forgive someone, that makes you heal. But then if they've done so much damage and so much trauma and pain, it's hard. But the closure would become internal. You need to find the closure internal, whether that's forgiving or an accepting. Do you know what's happened now is the fact, I've now got, so what's happened with Lewis as he's grown up? So when he was 10, so my mum has gone. So when he was 10, I had to tell him basically the mother's at school. I was escorting, so you'd then use hotels. I wouldn't have anyone back to the house. My home was my son's. I got rid of the other guy.  I wasn't interested. And that was a very short time after Lewis's dad. Maybe I was trying to find love at that time as well as being in the parlor and that, maybe. But all I found was again drugs. That's all I found again was from this guy who I thought I was in love with drugs again. So off he goes. But he was the one I thought I was in love with. I really did. I really thought I was. And for many years after, in fact, then I haven't dated anyone or had any intention of being anyone until I met Damien last year and was not expecting that. What I didn't want, because there were so many men out of my sisters and my life, not even about the abuse there, because there were so many men in my sister's life, I didn't want that for my son. What he was going to see, like men coming in and then leaving and then not being around or anything. So I was like, no, that is not going to happen at all. And I kept to that. Because that then makes you become a little bit more like your mum then? Of course it does. And there's no way. See when you were doing the escort and how many men did you sleep with a day? Wow. So at that time, I'd want to make a grand and I was charging £100 an hour. So at least 10, then it went up to 20. But over a weekend then I would see, because I'd work 48 hours straight using to keep on going. And so, God, I would see, hold on, let's think, 40, 80, and then on a Sunday, I'd see them another 20, yeah, 100 every weekend at least. But the funny thing is, right, then I'd go out to a swing house place and then I'd just be checking my phone, not time, then I'd be checking my phone, but it was the time. Right, I've got another booking. So I'd have enjoyment going to glory halls or going dog in or and again. But again, that was my choice. That was my choice. And I wanted to go and do it because then there was a real set. I've always had a high sex drive. I was then actually told I had polycystic ovaries and I have a high, I do have higher tests than most women. So I've noticed also, as I'm getting older, that kind of brings its own things because sometimes I have a bit of hair so I have to get laser. A lot of women and beautiful trans women who I absolutely adore, they think I'm trans because I feel I do look a bit more manly and I've always been like that. And I celebrate that too. If someone says I'm a trans woman, I'm like, yeah, baby. Of course I am. See if you're sleeping with over 100 men a weekend. Yeah. There's no enjoyment whatsoever. Oh yeah? Or even you're enjoying it. Yeah, yeah. Even just random men. Yeah, yeah, totally. Because I've got that addiction for wanting to orgasm and wanting to satisfy. I have a real thing to please and I'm real submissive. I really am. And that wanting to please men gave me such a buzz.    Love gang bangs. I'll then be arranging gang bangs. Whether you call it addiction or not, it was satisfaction of pleasing guys as well. I love it.  Sorry, you're going to laugh. So I'm into a lot of messy sport. So that includes scat.  I don't really like corporal punishment. That's something that I find in my early days. And it happened to me. But then there came a ton of like, I don't need to do this. But I love getting messy.  And I'll be like, oh my God, this is so, I'm like getting really horny over this.  And I'll be like, babes, give me more. Come on now. And that's a lot of our porn. The funniest thing with me indeed.  And I'll tell you all of it, because he's my love and everything. But I've found a lot of, so I still be seeing women love housewives.   It's like, yeah, babe. Because I didn't see, I didn't see a lot of women, you know? And I'm totally, I don't want to put a name on it anymore. But I would say I was pansexual before, literally I, and this was one thing in my escorting days that people don't understand.  It isn't. I find horny. So I'm sat here now and you're a good looking guy, right?  And, but I find, even if you're not, you know, to what people think by the way, because I know I'm not good looking, but I know there's that, that spark in me, that sexual and, and that's what I love about myself. Like that's the one thing about my porn, I want to say as well, is the fact that I know I'm not as good looking as girls out there or trans women or, you know, or, or there's, I don't find I'm very good looking and that has everything to do with like being critical of myself. Like I will shame myself like every morning, the hate that I have, even now for myself. And Damien, bless him, he has to kind of be the one like what I have this all in my head.  But I've had so much love. So that's why he loves me as well and he loves my look and everything he tells me, you know, and that makes me feel good. But it was also getting not only the money of the guys, but guys wanting to choose me. So that was one thing about being the parlor. You have to parade yourself, right? And then the guy chooses you. And I really liked that.  But that's the one thing about my porn as well. I find it's not like, um, browser's porn.  And I come up with this whole creative. What I've made is my own creative form. Love the dirty talk. I'm so good at it.  Cause it's like this red thing because I use that personality as well because I have multiple personalities.  Like bipolar, you know, manic depression, but all of that.  I don't, I don't want to take meds for it because I, I use sex as my skip. Yeah. It's my hire. Right now. Yeah. So my cocaine days, I will be honest. You know, I would wake up and have a line. You know, one thing I really regret as a, as a mom were those days. Now, what, what do I need to do coat for? And that's the truth. I, you know, I really, I really don't like we, me and D, he gives me that like, not drugs by the way. No, no, no. And I, and I've always, the thing is, is why, why people say that I'm very energetic, very bubbly. What I've done is, is I've used that hate for myself. And when I meet people, and I am being very genuine here, you're actually having the normal kind of self, but I use that, that hates myself and that, that things from the past as like, as, as an energy. So I use that, that negative as a positive. And that's what I've always done. And that's what you've got to do. So I find drugs as very negative. You know, I, why, why, why did I have to do that? And I feel very sick in myself. Again, very critical on myself that I, I never used in front of my son, never did. But what I did is took so much, sometimes I'd have 10 grams on a weekend. And on those weekends, sometimes I had seizures. And so I'd be, maybe I'd be on to the next client. And then I'd have a seizure, even with them. So they have to call an ambulance. So embarrassing. Then social would get, would bring me, how are you? All of that. I'd be like, yeah, I'm fine. Come round. Come round. I've got nothing to hide. And I've always been like that too. I've got nothing to hide apart from what I've told you about my mum. Literally, I haven't even told therapist that. But I actually felt, say I needed to show people, again, it's not being a victim. It's actually using that as a strength and my bubbly personality and my porn and everything that I love, you know? And my children. And so what's happened at the moment? So what happened when Lewis was 10? Right, because, sorry, I go so like crazy. Again, I have something coming into my head and this is my ADHD. It's like, oh my God, no, right, I'm on to the next thing. So sorry if this is really manic, everyone, you know, everyone, sorry if this is like totally manic. And it's very strange because usually I'm speaking to a camera and I'm going, all right, so this is what we're going to do today or, you know, this, I'm not usually speaking to someone and looking into their eyes and doing this. That's connection.  So, but it's all to the camera, you know. Right. My guys and girlies and non-binary friends, you know, and so this is really weird that I'm actually just looking at you and not going, hey, everyone, you know. So sorry about this, my mind of anyone who suffers by the way of this, I do do doof doof the all the time. People who understand why you have made it is like that, but I can't see, I literally at me and day. So diesen got an ADHD as well Do you think that's why he's got on so well then? Oh my god, we connect. But we were saying there's people we connect with, but no one 100%. And honestly, he is 100%. Because he's male and I'm female. So I just wanted to say about genders because we're very much into all genders and everything. But I cast myself as female and he's male. And he's the male version of me literally. So, um, but yeah, going, sorry, quickly going back to my son. So he found out by the mums at school, I escorted and I escorted one of the dads. Um, she found text messages on his phone, um, and found pictures of me on his phone and then made it quite clear at the school and told her son to tell my son what I do for a living. Then I had to move in schools, um, quite a few times, which again, I totally agree.  It's a profession.  I could take my son anywhere. I then put him into private school as well. I was able to pay for that for many years, him going up through school. Do you know how good that made me feel? The fact that someone who's a prostitute who people don't agree with, who judge all the time for the way I look, could put her son through private school. I felt the best ever for this.  And I felt really good the way I brought him up. I did. The sitting down at the table when he was 10 was not, um, was not that great. What happened? Um, so he sat down, he said, I've been told this. I was like, right, I'm coming out. You're going to know everything.  But as in, you know, what I had to do for him, um, because actually, no, actually don't get me wrong. We've literally, me and Damien have had to sit down and, and say to him about what I've, what I've kind of been through, not everything. Um, but what I've, because a lot of my escorting days, the amount of men, okay, that I saw was because I had goals for him, my son. I had goals in whatever club he wanted, whatever instrument he wanted to play, wherever we were going to go on holiday. I could afford man. Yeah. Yeah. And that was, you know, um, in a way it made him spoil though. So, and, um, that, that's one thing that we've kind of clashed with over the past year. It's the ads, everything material you could possibly, as well as me. So my whole, because, because my whole life up to when he was 14 was him. Absolutely him. Yeah. But you would have done anything for the love of your mum, even though, you know, you know what you're done.   And just, and just because. I, I don't know. Yeah. Because he'll come a stage where the materialistic stuff, and I can see you're such a good person, you're such actually a good son, I genuinely mean that. Like you can see that you're, you've tried to do the right things even though it's been wrong. Oh my God.   So there's going to be stages where your son is going to feel embarrassed. Oh, absolutely. And I am the one, I feel so bad. Yeah. Like the worst ever that the fact that I've had to move in schools and him be judged like that. And, and, and, you know, so then what happened was, I found the LGBT community. And for, and then I found that was my family. In fact, now it's called the LGBTQIA. And I found a family there. Also, then I came on the porn scene.  But now then, so then when did I come on the, so my son knew about the escort him at 10. Then he was in year eight. So, so only three years ago I've been in porn. And so I owned it. I got into porn. I was like, fuck, I'm here. Yeah. Because I needed another channel. I thought I was so secretive, but how I had to be secretive about what I do for it. And I'm like, no, I'm not doing this anymore. I, so I said to my son what I was going to do. At that time he was fine with it. I didn't think he thought I was going to be that big. And, and I kind of came on the scene and yeah, I was like, hello.  Never saw myself as a porn star.  That's, that's how I, I like, you know, said to myself and yeah, it's, it was, it's been a great time being in porn. And then I met, I met Rebecca Moore and then we did the cop destroyers. And we had a viral video and everything. Then I found the LGBT community. I thought I was on my own in my own, in my own sexuality because I, like I said to you, I always found something about someone, whether it was escorting, whether it was someone I saw out who, who people wouldn't particularly find attractive, whoever they are. I found that horniness in them. I've been like, oh my God, you've got such a spark there. And, and it's, and it's so great. Maybe it's because I thought that myself. I don't, I don't feel I'm attractive, like I said to you.   That's fine. And even people say it now.   There's no gender barrier or anything with me, literally.  So then I was on the porn scene, very big with the LGBT community with Rebecca.  So it was about feet. Yeah.  So I was licking on this girl's toes. It was a girl on girl with Ava Austin. She's brilliant, by the way. I was licking on her feet and they couldn't believe as well. Then I just be like pissing everywhere. And I was like, yeah, I'm licking it off the floor. And they couldn't quite believe this, this person who came on the scene and was doing all of it.   It would be, people want to put you down because it makes them feel secure. And whether it was a relationship, whether it's my mom, whoever it was, whether it was her blokes, whether, you know, people want to put you down and restrict you because they're in themselves. And I actually feel sorry for those people because I would never do that as well. I'd never shame someone or anything like that. I would never put people down. Like, why? What's the best, what's the most money you've made from, is it from? From the cotton stores. Yeah, from me and Rebecca Moore being the cotton stores. That, that was probably because we had quite a lot of things coming in then. We were both escorting, so we're doing gang bangs. That was making us loads of money. Then the only fans went up because our, our mainstream personas went up and everything. But, but again, I felt, and I won't go in much into that. I've explained on, on other things, how she made me feel. And she, again, it was another one who made me feel she wasn't as, I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough. I was worthless. And yet again, and then I met Damian. Where did you meet? So, so, I've got it for you so you can see. And we met on a porno set. Literally, we were with, so one of my friends, Khaleesi Kay, she's a beautiful trans woman. And, and yeah, we were on set and with Damian's friend. And yeah, we were on set and having a foursome, a good old foursome. As you do. But I won't say. So Damian is very, very passionate. He is passionate.    Do you think that makes it easier that these are both in the same industry? Because if I've got a missus, I start overthinking that somebody's liked her photo.    Because we see other. Well, actually we see everyone together.  And yes, and they're all genders. I have found someone, right, who who isn't stuck up on gender, who isn't stuck up on sexuality, who accepts me for how I look because like I said to you, I felt I am quite manly looking and and who bakes me up when I feel down and press right the way I look because it was even last night or the night before. And I was like, babe, my boobs because they've gone wrong and everything.  Now, before then, I've gone out. I've dated all genders, gendered up.  It's the person inside, you know. And I love connecting with people on set.  That's it!  The average man over their 30s is about twice a week. Listen, this guy's an itchy edge for three days.   He'll be on like an eight hour, a four to eight hour porn set.  We'll then go to like a swingers club or something on the evening. We're still fucking, he's still rock hard.   I'm happy we have a low job and a cuddle man at home, mind that. We did do that too.  Literally.   No, you're not. No, Lizzie, but we, there's a thing that is important to us and sexism is important. You know, the funniest things start at the beginning.   The good thing is, is that my son has never been put through my mentalness. If you get what I mean, he's, he's never been on, you know, even when I've had my manic episodes. You know, I've been away from him. I, or I put myself in my room or, you know, he doesn't know. Have you ever been suicidal? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. It's always been so, I've either taken pills, tried to slip my wrist, but it's, it's like. No, no, no. I've never been like that. Never been like that. Never, or no poor me or crying out for help. Literally, I just want to feel. I want to, I just wanted to, but we do, but the fears as well, is I do incorporate that into what I do because I love blood play as well. So whether that's like bleeding, like period play or, or like cut it, I do love that as well. So just to feel that pain and then, and then, oh, just yeah. But I've never done it apart from being with it. You know, we love that. And it's something that we do. When did you go first go see a therapist? Oh. What was, how was that decision?  But for you to then put your hands up and go, do you know what, I actually need to speak to someone like that, take strength in its own. Um, just because of my manic episodes, we're getting a bit bad. Yeah. Like the whole like flitting in the kitchen. But it's, I can't even explain a manic episode is the fact that it, you kind of blackout. You know, I said to you before about being really creative and things literally at the moment, they're flitting into my head like this. And I saw, I can't get everything out. I'm literally talking, but everything's going 100 mile an hour. It's, it's literally like having a manic episode. It's like, when me and D fuck, we then have to watch a footage back because we're like, oh my God, how good was that? But we can't remember. Oh my God, it's so funny. And literally we're both saying because, I swear it's because of our ADHD or what they call.   Yeah.  Yeah. But then I've never felt how I feel having sex today because he is literally, I feel it. My whole body like tingles.  What's the longest you've went without sex? Oh, my son for nine months. Yeah. But when you're not pregnant, no, every day since you were a kid, do you think? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Maybe, yeah. Apart from when I was performing actually, because like when I was performing, obviously I wouldn't go out and or do, yeah, but because performing and being pregnant. And then obviously when I was with Lewis's dad, I didn't see anyone else then. So because then I was pregnant and it's like, you know, definitely heads and everything, you know. Do you feel as if a therapist helped you? Was it hard to open up? I've actually just started going to see an therapist the last five weeks. I've been playing on my mind the last few years to go. And I kept thinking, nah, I'm fine, but it's a different when you're sitting there across from somebody because I'm, I think I'm a control freak and I manipulate as well. But when trying to open up, I feel as if I'm still not 100% open up. And I feel as if I'll just die with a lot of pain and grief. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like I talk a good game, my job is talking. But yeah, I love it.  To be guarded, I'm constantly guarded. No, do you know why I've actually opened up with you? It's because I don't want anyone else to feel alone. And that's why I do my positive videos as well. It's because I don't want anyone else out there to feel on their own and feel that they've got to hurt themselves in any way.  And if I could take all that away or that pain away, I wish I could. Like, obviously, Damien's going to tell you some things and that's not for me to say.  He's actually gone with the step mum who I said was a really good mum. She's, he's gone to and he's starting a new life there. He's 50 and that kills me inside. Like every day it kills me. The fact that I've lost him. What was his decision for him to go? He was being violent, the fact that he didn't want to go to school. And yeah, he was just his whole attitude towards me because what happened when Damien came along, I dropped in a lot of money. This is why money means absolutely nothing, right? Because we're still together now and we've got through this past year even with myself leaving the cop destroyers and my only fans going down. In fact, we had our only fans taken away.  But we sleep with all other genders as well.  But that was my decision. Everybody thought it was Damien's. He made me leave the cop destroyers. No, it wasn't that. What the fuck's the cop destroyers? So it was basically a viral video of myself and Rebecca Moore getting six more dicks for a gang bang and the LGBT community just took it and it went viral. Why did they take it?  We're just gonna have a gang bang and do that. But it was the wrong kind of relationship to get in a business relate. It was very business. I was trying to find something in her that was more of a friend and it didn't really work out. So in fact, she's like I said, she made me feel worthless and Damien then came on the scene and she didn't want that money being taken away. We were making a lot of money and she didn't want me to have anyone. And that's fine. That's fine. And I basically right at the start she shamed us and it was very, very difficult.  I'm older than me, not that means anything but as in very business-like in her ways and I just wasn't like that. I was very submissive towards Sarah as well. I feel I have to really prove something and she was just abusing. How hard is that for you to be submissive? Like what if somebody says you're not getting paid? I didn't get paid a lot of the time. Oh, but like you're not getting paid. Like what would you do, say? From her or? No, for like escort or whatever. I didn't do anything. I never wanted to get police involved or anything like that. So I just let it go. Yeah, I let it go. There are loads of times where I got mugged by guys. I got my ribs broken and all of that where they tied me up and decided to kick. Why would you do that? Just mug me.  They weren't broken, sorry, fractured. That's all. But yeah, all beat my face. Like why would you do that?   But I just don't want anybody else going through it. If I can protect anyone like, so my son now he is gone because of what I do for a living because the money dropped and he didn't get everything that he wanted. We weren't doing the holidays but I didn't want escort anymore. That was my decision. That was my decision and I haven't for the last year and a half. And really I, we've done the porn. We fucked, don't we babe?   The one man who I never, I never thought anyone that I could just sleep.   No, that was totally my decision.  But the thing is is, yeah, my son couldn't take that transition as well because then my love had to be shared in the chorus and then, you know, and I feel that's why I've lost him. A lot of bad jailers, sir. Yeah, yeah, I really do. And like I say, every day I want to text him and that now I just feel it's all, and I've made him like that, like to be spoiled and just want material things because he didn't really want to be around me. It's what, mum, right, can you get me this? Can you get me that? And he didn't want to be around me. Even Damien would invite him out on days out and or, you know, I say, right, let's have some time together. Yeah, what is it to bind me? And I've done that. And that's one thing I really regret as well. I was really trying to show him love and do the best I can.   You can say your intentions were pure even though some of the things may have been wrong but your intentions were pure to try and give your kid everything that you never had. It's such a dodgy environment, especially with internet, especially with social media, people competing and people trying to live their best lives in highlight reels and people watching it and thinking their lives aren't as great as what they see. But in all honesty, man, we're all battling struggles. He's at an age where he's hormones are beginning all over the place. Oh, I totally understand that. And do you know what? I had to be a parent, a responsible parent, and go, what is the best side? He's now living with all his brothers and he's loving it there. And he's going to school, which is very, very important to me. He doesn't really want to be in my life. And do you know what? I have to accept that. I have to. Maybe just for the moment though. Yeah, any time, honestly, if we could sort things out, that'd be brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. And Damien wants that as well. But what Damien's done is he's looked at things.   And that's again, what's what happened with the record? Yeah, I felt used there. I felt worthless. And I got out of that situation with Damien's help. But because of that, the past year, financially, things have been really difficult. So the money I had was restricted. But it's fine because I've still had to live. You know, it wasn't that, Damien then took all my money. It wasn't that. I had to live. I still provided for Lou and did the best that I can as a parent. And then also I've got two beautiful daughters here in my life. And I am so thankful. And all I want to do is protect them. So... That's the main thing. What about, what do you think about talking about your life? I'm, actually, you could say I'm very sharp. Before Damien, I always say that I had this, like I said to you, this rock around my heart. And no one, no fucker is ever going to break this, right? And he so did. And I'm so, I'm actually really thankful. I'm thankful for him being with me. Maybe this sounds really sad. But I really am.  And I know he'd never use me. And he has total respect for me as well. We have a great sex life. We have a great love life because he loves me. He genuinely, and he tells me this. He said he genuinely loves me. And I know that he does. And my love for him is just, he won't even know how much I love him because it's like so much. But I, but, you know, and I always love my kids. I always say I love them the whole universe because I, I absolutely do. And, and yeah. And I, I am happy. So what happened to the text then? Oh my God. The one first or something or? So, yeah. So what happened was I got sepsis. Five times last year. In fact, I was in over Christmas as well. And then the Damien came and broke me out. He said, you have to come in. He was like, you rake, you know. But put took me back on Christmas Day. And, and yeah. And now we've got our motor home. That's actually being wrapped at the moment by Yanomai's. Bright fricking orange. I love it. So we went with these, we've brought orange boiler suits, which I absolutely love.  I won't tell you because it's coming.  Do you know what? We're going to be who we want to be, do what we want to do and say what we want to say. And that's exactly it. And that's what's going on the back of our, but it's going to be FXX, okay? Yeah, yeah. That's the best bit.  Do you get a lot of shots online? Oh my God, absolutely.  And all of this, Dave, Damien's broke up the contract. It wouldn't like that. It wasn't like that at all. And I can honestly say it wasn't like that. And yeah, we have to struggle. My tier. So now we then went for reconstructive surgery after trying to save. We've had to borrow bits of money as well from people. And I just want to say thank you so much. Like, thank you. Like we wouldn't have got by without those people. So thank you everyone who has really helped us. Like... So it's good that people show support. So that shows that you have loved as well. But people online do show support. The LGBTQIA community do. And we're going to the prides and everything. I love pride. Yeah. And because I feel I fit in, I feel like finally, it's like a family. I can't even explain it's a family. Not only do I feel a family with Damien, like literally makes me feel so good and so loved in a family way and in every possible way.    He's my king. What does he have anymore, kids? Oh, I'd love to. I'd love to. Yeah, I'd love to. Yeah, absolutely. But we want to get everything sorted. We want to get rooms for our girls and everything like that. In fact, like two weeks ago, I did find I was pregnant. And then, unfortunately, it didn't have a heartbeat. So no, no, no. But actually what we said is we want stability for our kids that we got now. So we want all that. We want rooms for all of them. We've got our motorheds at home, which in which we're going to travel round. Then my tit went and then our dog went under our dog. I'd say dog. Sorry.   And then my tit, so what actually happened? I won't put it out there. So I was told a certain thing of getting 1600 cc implants that everything was going to be fine. Assured me. I got there and literally I've been given 800 cc and something in this. And you know, surgery is a thing I really love. Like I honestly is. I like the fact I could change my body and it make it look good. But people still shame me for that as well. But I think it looks good and I love getting surgery.  And there's just a couple of things that I want to do. But Damien is like, he supports me in this as well. If I didn't do it, you won't care either. But I'm finding out I've got someone who sits septum on my body. And do you know what? Even earlier, when I was feeling really low, he came on top of me. Not sexually, well, actually I might be. And he said, do you know what? He said, I love you for you. And it doesn't matter about this. He just wrote out an email to these people in Belgium. And I wouldn't say who they are yet because this might be a legal thing. But he literally stood up and he said, it doesn't matter how long it takes. I love you for you. And I fancy you and everything. And that's how he meets me Phil. And it's great. All the years then, how many men do you think you've been with? A lot. I would say at least 20,000 maybe more. Yeah.  Absolutely. That's the main thing.  Well, and 23. But do you know what? When I termed 30, it was like, I want something different. So then I found the porn. And then if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have found this beautiful man. So I'm really happy.  So does Danian. They both match. It's very important for us. Our love is obviously the most. Then it's the sex. And sorry, our love is the most. But I just want to say that in that is our family. So that's love, love, love, love. And then it's the sex. I mean, we go out. And so when we're not with our children, and I just want to say we keep everything, every single thing away from our kids. OK?  I do understand we can't tell them what they see online, but they know our names and they know not to go on there. And there has never been any problems in that only by other people being spiteful, you know. You're going to get that, though. That's just the way of the world. Oh, God. And I don't want any of my kids hurt. For anybody watching that's maybe in a dark place just now, that what advice would you have for them? I, again, I just don't want anyone. One, I just don't want anyone to be judged. So I don't want anyone to go through any kind of abuse. I would suggest actually, right, I want everybody to get help that you need, whether it's from a friend, whether it's from... I just don't want you to go keep going through something that you have to go through again and again and again and again. Like, you know, I must do Damien's head in. But the good thing about our relationship, as well as we talk about everything, so if I'm having a low day or days, or if we're having a lot, I'm having a little bit of a manic thing, it's, he looks after me. And I must just ever just find, whether it's a therapist, whether it's a doctor, whether it's a friend, I find today good, very good to open up. You've hit a few things as well. And I know it's been really difficult for Damien to hear. I mean, he knows most of it, but actually going into detail and all that. But reach out, reach out to someone. And, you know, if you do have addictions, you know, you can get free of them and do it in a positive way. Like, now I use sex in a real positive way. I really do. I find the love of my life. And we have great, like, sex. And, and it's great. And it's great. We have great love, great sex. And again, it's just, you know, there are going to be a repeat of people put you down online. They people will put you down in the street. They'll try and judge you and take you down because that's what they want to do. But myself and Damien are fighting at the moment as well to four of this is that people shouldn't be judged. We're porn stars, but we're trying to go mainstream. And we're having to fight against that because we do porn. And that's all you can do. No way. We're getting, we're getting our motorhome wrapped by Yalamize. We've got big companies who are interested in a reality show. So this proves that we are breaking barriers already. And this is great. Good on you. Like, just before we finish up. Like, what's your social medias and only fans of people can get involved. Oh, yeah, awesome. So I do have a GoFundMe page at the minute for my breasts. These still aren't right. It's going to take at least another reconstruction or two. So that's the GoFundMe page on my Twitter, which is at Sophie A Slut. And A, I look at Slut as a good word. Yes, baby. I own that. And on Instagram, it's at Sophie A Success. Then I'm sure Dee will say as well.  That's at FXXKING explorers. And that's the same for Instagram as well.  So that's at Sophie Anderson official. Sophie, a lesson for coming on today. It's been a powerful story to understand a bit about your background.  So you've got to keep on going. And you know what? I see a sensitive little soul there. But I genuinely wish you all the best for the future. I hope you sort things out with your son. And I wish you all the best. Exactly. Got to keep on going, babes. Got to keep on going. God bless you. Take care, Dave. Bye.


It is my pleasure to present to you the President of St. John's University, Father Joseph T. Cahill. St. John's University Board of Trustees, administrators, faculties of all the schools of the university, staff, and the finest young people in the United States. Will you kindly join me in extending a hearty and cordial St. John's welcome to Ronald Reagan, the President of the United States. Conferral of the degree of Doctor of Laws on President Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan is a leader president. He knows what he believes, believes it fervently, and fights for it. His entire career bears this out. In Hollywood, he not only made 50 feature films, but was a six-term president of the Screen Actors Guild and a two-term president of the Motion Picture Industry Council. He was not only elected governor of California by a million-volt margin, but earned a second term, served as chairman of the Republican Governor's Association in 1969, had a nationally syndicated radio commentary program, wrote a nationally syndicated newspaper column, and filled an extensive speaking schedule to civic, business, and political groups. His failure, his failure to obtain his party's nomination for the presidency in 1976, did not deter him from campaigning vigorously for the ticket and scores of local candidates, at the same time renewing his national radio, newspaper, and speaking commitments, joining the Board of Directors of the Committee on Present Danger, and founding the Citizens for the Republic. In the interim campaign of 1978, he campaigned for no less than 86 candidates. In 1980, Mr. Reagan was elected 40th President of the United States, by an electoral vote of 489 to 49, and was re-elected in 1984 by an electoral vote of 525 to 13. Numerous awards, including the National Humanitarian Award of the National Conference of Christians and Jews, the City of Hope Award for Humanitarian Service, Freedom Foundation Awards and American Patriots Hall of Fame, the American Newspaper Guild Award, the National Football Foundation Hall of Fames Distinguished American Award, and the Medal of Valor of the State of Israel, as well as a host of honorary degrees. Born in Tampico, Illinois, Mr. Reagan was educated in Illinois public schools and holds a baccalaureate in economics and sociology from Eureka College. His first lady is the former Nancy Davis. St. John's University is honored to confer on the President of the United States, Dr. Ronald Wilson Reagan, who honors Calza the degree of Doctor of Laws. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great privilege and high honor to introduce the President of the United States. Mr. President. Thank you. Thank you all very much. Thank you. All of you members of the administration, the faculty, the students of St. John's, my frotters, all of you, I can't tell you how deeply honored I am, and I bring the very sincere regrets of Nancy who was invited. But I have to tell you, I found out that I'm the only one in the family that gets paid, but the government gets another employee free. Nancy, they've got her working too. But I think I should tell you why I've come here today and why I'm so honored by this degree. Now, it's true that I've heard about a rare and exotic flower that grows only in Queens. I think you call it the mulberry. I wanted to see it, and it's true that I'm ever in search for candidates for our diplomatic staff, and so I wanted to meet a gentleman named Louis Karnaseka. I know he's elsewhere on a very important engagement right now, and it's also true that I wanted to see the school that some people are saying is just a number one top of the heap, King of the Hills. I know that right now that's being said in connection with college basketball, but from what I've learned of your university, the honor extends to a great many other areas as well. There is more. For some time, I've been hearing about a university in New York that boasts among its alumni the governors of our two biggest states, Governor Mario Cuomo of New York and Governor George Duke Magin of California. I've heard that this in university has the highest bar exam pass ratio in the nation, that it attracts more than a thousand students a year from 88 countries on six continents of the earth, and that among its alumni are a third of one state legislature and more than 250 judges. So naturally, I wanted to see the new Harvard and thank St. John's for inviting me. I've come here today to talk about where our country has been for the past few years and where it's going. And I want to talk to you about our vision of the future and the kind of America that we now have a dazzling opportunity to create. When I took office four years ago, many of you were in high school, but in spite of your youth, I know you were aware that America at that time was in a crisis. Inflation was over 12 percent. The prime interest rate was over 21 percent. Unemployment was growing and recent graduates were having trouble finding jobs. Government was weighing all of our people down with excessive personal taxes, with business taxes and meddlesome regulations. In 1981, we rolled up our sleeves and applied new thinking to these by now old problems. We cut tax rates for all individuals and businesses. We passed tax indexing so that inflation wouldn't force your parents into ever higher brackets as their income increased. We drove inflation down to below 4 percent. We got the economy moving again, and in truth, we can't take complete credit for the ideas that reignited our current economic growth. After all, John Kennedy had done what we had done and great growth followed, and Japan had done what we had done and become the economic dynamo of the East. By 1984, last year, our economy was growing stronger and faster than it had in over 30 years, while inflation stayed lower than at any time since 1967. Civilian employment has grown by seven and a half million new jobs over the past two years, and the number of unemployed has fallen by more than three million in the past five months alone. And that is more than a million and a half Americans, what is more, I should say, have found jobs. We have made great progress the past four years, but it's what we do in the next four years that will determine whether the American economy really lasts. Now is the time, now is the key moment to make dramatic change. I'm speaking of a change so fundamental that I could really call it radical, radical as in reaching down to the roots. The revolution that I'm talking about involves three things. One is taxes, the amount you and your parents and friends pay to the government that demands your money.  If our tax and spending policies are sound and balanced, the foundation will be rock solid and the house of growth will stand and endure. Our administration has reduced tax rates as I've noted, but that's only the beginning. We have to do better. I believe we have to tear down our present tax structure and build a new one. We will propose a tax simplification plan. Tax simplification will make the rate structure simpler and more fair. That will limit deductions and that will lower tax rates further. With a simplified tax system, we would have a top rate far lower than the current top personal tax rate of 50%. A side benefit of this is that it will move us away from the whole strange world of unproductive tax shelters. For once, all Americans will know that their neighbors as well as they are paying their fair share and not hiding behind loopholes and stuff. We want to make the tax system simpler and more fair and we want to push tax rates down still further. This is economic justice. It is economic sense. And the key to America's economic future.   Let's say you have the good fortune to be hired as a salesperson for a firm with a starting salary of $20,000 a year. That's enough to live on with some comfort, but not luxurious by any means in these days. Now, you're young and single. You share a small apartment in Manhattan. And your share of the... I mean that share in a certainly different way than you reacted. And your share of the rent is, say, $500 a month. When you make out your taxes, you claim one exemption for yourself. And you find that once you've worked for a year that between federal taxes, state taxes, city taxes, social security and sales taxes, you are giving over 30% of your entire $20,000 salary to taxes, more than $6,000. Now, I could argue the morality of this. If you're paying so much and involuntarily finding yourself in a condition of something approaching servitude. And I will. But I wish right now to speak of broader practical purposes. If you were allowed to keep more of your money, you would likely do one of three things with it. You could spend it on a portable computer, say, or clothing or entertainment, and thereby stimulate the economy to hire more computer clothing and entertainment makers, thus creating jobs. Or you could save it and add to the pool of capital from which banks lend money, thereby stimulating the economy by making capital available for businesses to grow. Or you could be very creative and invest your money in a private enterprise. Now, some of you are only a generation or two removed from the immigrant experience. Some of you are the grandsons and granddaughters of sharecroppers who came north for jobs. Many of you are the first in your family to go to college. I was the first in mine, and I too am a grandson of immigrants. All of you come from hardy risk-taking stock, and you're very much the sort of people who would in a few years take the few thousand you'd gain from a tax cut and pool it with friends and acquaintances in order to invest it.  And that expands the economy, creating new businesses, new jobs, and new wealth. This is the magic that is and always has been at the heart of America's economic strength. We have lived through the age of big industry and the age of the giant corporation, but I believe that this is the age of the entrepreneur, the age of the individual. That's where American prosperity is coming from now, and that's where it's going to come from in the future. But I just pause here for a second and tell you about a couple of fellas came to see me the other day. Young men, 1981, just four years ago, they started a business with only $1,000 between them and everyone told them they were crazy. Last year, their business did a million and a half dollars, and they expect to do two and a half million this year, and part of it was because they had the wit to use their names productively. Their business is, using their names, the cane and able electric business. The technological revolution has seen to some of the things that I'm talking about. We have to recognize it and encourage the brave men and women who are taking risks and investing in the future. They ought to be honored. But to invest your time and money in concern is a leap of faith, a profoundly hopeful act that says, yes, I have faith in the future. I am the future. The future is what I make of it. Economic growth and economic freedom are the economic answer, but we cannot stop at reforming our tax structure. We must also reform our spending policies. You may remember what I said last summer, that we could compare the big spenders in Congress with a drunken sailor out on a spree, but that would really be unfair to the sailor because at least he's spending his own money. We have to be frank about the federal budget and deficit spending. Our problem is simple. Your federal government is now and long has been spending too much of your money. In the past 10 years, tax revenues have grown by more than $400 billion, but spending by government has grown by almost $600 billion. That's about a 50% more than the revenues. Government spending has grown more than one-third faster than the growth of our economy. Even our economy, the strongest in the world, hasn't been able to keep up with government's incessant demands. I've recommended a freeze on overall domestic spending for the recently submitted federal budget, and I need your help in supporting these efforts. There's all sorts of ways for waste to be cut. There are many entitlements to be reexamined. We can and must do this because if we don't get the size and weight of government down, then it will simply flatten the economy like a steamroller and make economic vitality an impossible dream. I've asked for the support of Congress in getting spending down, and we're making some headway, but it takes a lot of courage for some senators and congressmen and women to support us because there's always more of a constituency for spending than for cutting. They'll have to make some brave decisions, and when they make them, they will deserve the support and the thanks of our country. I want to mention, by the way, that I know that some of you are concerned about our proposed limits on financial aid for students. Well, we're trying to ensure an aid system that helps all those who need it. You know that spending on higher education is still more than $7 billion, as much as it was in 1982 and 1983, and more than double what it was 10 years ago. As Education Secretary Bill Bennett has pointed out, our student aid program is big, and our commitment to it will continue, and its primary purpose will be to provide the vital assistance to those who couldn't get an education without it. Now, there are some members of Congress who make a great show of concern about the problem of deficit spending. But they know that it's in the nature of a peaceful democracy not to want to spend money on weapons for defense, but to prefer spending that money on social programs. If you really want to control spending, they say if you really want to control spending, then cut defense. Well, I see you're divided in that, and I can understand. Because you've been treated to a drumbeat of demagogic propaganda with regard to that one. Let's look at the facts. Defense spending accounts for less than 7% of our gross national product that's far less than it was in the 1950s and 60s when the threat facing us was not nearly so great. Since we first took office, we have cut $150 billion out of our own proposals for defense spending. In fact, right now, we're running almost $16 billion less than the Carter administration had projected would be their 1985 budget if they were still in office. Now, at this point, it's a simple necessity to continue to bring our armed forces up to date. I've told the Senate leadership that I'm willing to consider more defense savings in non-critical areas, but I cannot compromise on the defense programs that are vital to our security. The first responsibility of an American president is to see that this country is securely defended in a world in which trouble is unfortunately not the exception, but the rule. All the great leaders of our time, from Winston Churchill to John Kennedy, have understood that to maintain the peace, we must maintain our strength. If we don't, our adversaries will be inspired to wild action by our weakness. We can maintain the peace, and we will. We can maintain economic growth, and we must. Our economy is in good shape now, but we've got to make sure this isn't just a passing phase, a temporary pause in cycles of recession. We've got to see to it that economic growth becomes an unbreaking cycle of its own, and we can do that through getting tax rates down and spending down. Now, back to that moral thing that will fill the void of the spiritual values that some of us rejected, is the state. That's their idea. The state with a capital S. Well, the political edifice that man has built to govern himself. Some have said that this is the thing from which all blessings come. But if we've discovered anything these past few decades, it is that our salvation is not in the state. Our salvation is in ourselves, and what we do with our lives, and the choices that we make. It is in the things that we choose to worship. If we've learned anything, it is that government that is big enough to give you everything you want is more likely to simply take everything you've got. And that's not freedom, that's servitude. That isn't the way Americans were meant to live. We will always take care of the poor and the helpless among us, because that's the kind of people we are and have always been. But we're a people who've discovered and knew what a deep fountain freedom is and how we cannot live without drinking deep from it. I'm no longer young. You might have suspected that. The house we hope to build is one that is not for my generation, but for yours. It is your future that matters. And I hope that when you're my age you'll be able to say, as I have been able to say, we lived in freedom. We lived lives that were a statement, not an apology. And so if you can help us, we welcome your support. And either way, we welcome your interest in how our country is governed and how together we can secure justice for our people. When I ask for your help, it's very simple. You are the citizens. Government works for you. And it doesn't hurt if sometimes you decide to be the boss and tell them, I have said very many times that those elected in office who sit there in our Capitol Hill building and the halls of Congress, it isn't necessary that you make them see the light. Sometimes you have to make them feel the heat. I've enjoyed being here very much. You've greatly honored me. And I thank you and I love you too. I know you have an exciting weekend coming up. And knowing your faith, you may have considered how far you would go in trying for victory. Well, can I just tell you something? When I was playing college football, and I did, I found out one night in a chalk talk that was going on with the coach up in front and I don't know how the conversation got around to prayer. But it did. Well, I had never gone into a game in all those four years that I hadn't said a prayer. And I was surprised and amazed to learn, I never told anyone that, that everybody else on the team did too. But now the subject was, what do you pray and what do you ask for? And believe it or not, all of us had figured out for ourselves, you can't ask God to help you win. How can he favor you over others of his children or on the other team? And what we'd figured out for ourselves was that there be no injuries, that everyone, everyone do their best, that the best team win, and that thus we have no regrets when the game is over. If you don't mind, I can say that prayer for the red men. Mr. President, on behalf of the entire St. John's community, allow me to thank you officially for visiting our campus. I have for you several mementos which I now wish to present to you. This is our famous sweater, a replica. It brought us to the final four and I'm sure it will help the President in his battles with Congress. Finally, Mr. President, allow me at this time to present you with the highest award that St. John's University can bestow, the University Gold Medal. This is the first time we've ever given us at the same time any function and the last. Thank you very much. I can't tell you how deeply honored I am. I'd like to tell you also that during World War II, playing on a post-basketball team, one of my teammates was an alumni of St. John's and a great basketball player. Just so that I can even make it feel a little closer, in that school where I was playing football, we were called the Red Devils. Thank you very much.