For the person you are in a relationship is pulling away and you're asking yourself, what should you do? Did you text them? Maybe Should you chase him?  Maybe What should you do in these cases? This is a great question. What does it mean when somebody's pulling away? It means that they're taking space from the relationship. They're taking space from the Responsibility from the relationship. That's what's causing someone to pull away Most likely it is doubts that is causing someone to pull away and men and women alike feel doubts in a Relationship whether it's the early stage of the relationship or even a seasoned relationship humans can feel doubts Humans can feel doubts that cause them to pull away. Well, so what do you do when someone is experiencing doubts? This is a great question. I think the most important thing for you to do is become centered within yourself Detach from the relationship or reflect on the merits of the relationship. That's right You first of all get centered within yourself because if you're putting all your energy towards what he's doing and you're not Individually getting Centered with yourself. It's going to be difficult to make a choice. Now while they've taken some space while they pulled away This is an opportunity for you to possibly Detach from the relationship if they are ending the relationship They're about to end the relationship then detaching from it means being a detached from any future outcome within the relationship See we oftentimes get stuck in relationships because we are We're we're attached to some future outcome and this becomes difficult, especially when someone has made it promises They've shown that they want some sort of future with you And so we get attached to the idea of the future we get attached to the mechanics of the future We get attached to the structure of a future with someone at the same time while they're pulled away This is and they've taken space This is an opportunity for you to go inward and detach from the from that idea that idea of the future But at the same time, this is a really good time to Reflect on the real merits of the relationship the merits of the relationship like is this really a healthy relationship for you Really look inward become introspective and ask yourself Is this person really right for you or you are you attached from an unhealthy place? See sadly many of us attached to another human being from an unhealthy place because we have childhood wounds and traumas or Adult traumas that caused this to happen Many of you if you follow my channel, we talk about this Incessantly to look at your upbringing to look at your childhood Did you have a father that I'm that abandoned you did you have a mother that abandoned you? Did you have a father that was emotionally unavailable? Did you have a mother that was emotionally unavailable? Did you have a father that was an alcoholic and he was verbally abusive? Did you have a mother who is an alcoholic and verbally abusive? These things have ramifications as a child witnessing this on how because this is our first True role model for relationship And even those of you that had somewhat of a healthy upbringing I am sure has witnessed or experienced unhealthy experiences in childhood And what about adult life? What about our adult traumas? You know you think about if you're in midlife if you're like me you've probably had one two three maybe even four Significant relationships and i'm talking about relationships that lasted for one year or longer. That's a significant relationship Now let me be clear about this These are when I say one year i'm talking about one year day in day out physically seeing each other regularly kind of relationship Many of you are trapped in a cyber relationship with someone that all of your communication All of your communication is via text messaging I'm watching 90 day fiance Before the 90 days and there's a couple that have been communicating for seven years never met Mostly a lot of phone calls and tell and texting and now that they physically met Seven years later there is a lot of friction between the two of them. I'm not talking about those kind of relationships I'm talking about those of you that have a day in day out relationship. I think of think about that If you had one two three or four maybe even five Did you experience trauma when the relationship ended? Did you feel did was there any abuse? Was there any toxicity? Where you did that? Did you find yourself feeling not worthy after the end? Maybe you felt you found yourself being betrayed? If these happened then you've got to ask yourself Have I healed from these relationships? I can tell you that betrayal And abuse and toxicity actually wears on our self-esteem Particularly in the area of i'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable So when someone starts to pull away The first thing to do is look inward and say am I attached to this person from an unhealthy place? And it's i'm going to recommend two books right now I always talk about books in my videos and you should check out the link below Under jonathan recommend books I invite you to read the book attached by emir levine and rachel heller and getting the love you want by Harvelle hendrix and helen hunt. This will talk to you about anxious avoidant and secure love attachment styles This will talk about the amago i am a g o How we choose people that are like one or both of our parents or those who are primary caretakers when we were children So as you're going inward and you're asking self. What's the merits of this relationship? You can ask Can this relationship grow and what's the path to deeper connection? Write this down In this okay, so he's pulled away I want you to ask yourself can this relationship grow and what is the path to deeper connection Because what you should do next is initiate a conversation But jonathan he's ghosting me once you think about this folks You know if you don't have the kind of relationship where you're spending day in day out regularly together Then what's then it's so any if there is a substantial amount of distance between the two of you Then how solid was your relationship to begin with i'm inviting you to initiate that conversation And what's most important and what you should do is saying i've noticed you're pulling away I've noticed a change in you Are you willing or open to sharing what is up for you? I've noticed a change in you I've noticed a shift Are you willing or capable of sharing what's up for you? Now some men might dismiss this. Yeah, that might happen Most likely if he is genuinely pulling away. He is experiencing some level of doubt And then this doubt he's evaluating the relationship. He's evaluating the merits of this relationship He's evaluating the merits of you unfortunately most human beings focus on the wrong problems They and what I mean by wrong problems They focus on what's wrong In particular instead of appreciating what's right But at the end of the day you have to value what's right and what's wrong and okay, let me reframe that What is working and what's not working in this relationship? See when someone's pulling away, it's because they're really evaluating the relationship and at the same time you should do the same for yourself And then I want to invite you all to look inward and ask yourself What are the qualities I most admire him within him and ask yourself Is it that I admire these in him because it's deficient within my own life? Because maybe what you're attached to or the qualities that you like but there are areas of your within yourself that you wish you were better at This is really going inward. This is why I'm inviting everyone to really go inward and ask themselves What's the true merits of this relationship? You know relationships are a place for individual growth But relationships can trigger our deeper need for healing See this through relationships that we uncover Who we really are why are we here? What's this all for? And some relationships are short lived But the reason for it was for some internal growth some of them are for a season and season means Summer fall winter spring, you know it lasts about a year And in that there was a there might have been a gift of individual growth and some of those relationships go a lifetime Some of them go a lifetime. By the way, I need to turn up the fan here. So hold on one second everybody I'll just keep talking here. It's just getting a little hot up here So to continue See the problem with many of you is you're operating from a dating perspective that chemistry equals relationship success instead of Truly vetting the other person for true compatibility And because many humans operate from a Transactional or conditional type of relationship very few of you actually explore a spiritual relationship Or a relationship that's meant to heal you What I mean to say Cognitively going in and recognizing that this other person isn't about you complete me Or I need you to validate me so I can feel good about myself I'm here to say for those of you that are ready for a true spiritual partnership with someone It's to recognize that whether or not it goes the distance or not It comes to the tape it comes to you bearing a gift and that gift is an opportunity genuinely love yourself To find those spaces to get clarity on who's truly compatible with you See when someone wants to exit the relationship if they're pulling away It means that's not the right relationship for you and if someone says to you I love you deeply But this is not the right right relationship for me I want to take out the butt because if you're going to say I love you deeply and put the butt in I love you and at the same time. I'm not capable of a relationship I'm not ready for a relationship. You're not the right person for me If you genuinely love this person, then you would want them to move on you would want them To go find what they're looking for and it gives you space to find what you're looking for the minute We judge that person as being bad The minute we we make there our happiness predicated on them loving for us We have literally given our power to this other human being But you see when you're operating from a transactional or a conditional type of relationship These are going to be the problematic issues you're dealing with Transactional basically is I'm going to give you the crude example You know, I pay the bills and you are you know, you cook you clean and you have sex with me when I want That's that's a one type of transactional relationship And a lot of people are in dependency and transactional relationship conditional relationships are I need you to be a certain way for me to be happy And believe me given that most therapist office are riddled with couples who are unhappy with the relationship In some way shape or form is because they don't accept the person fully for who they are That's a conditional relationship spiritual relationships don't experience that spiritual relationships relationships are healing Are are those individuals that come at it from a sovereign place? From a place of really identifying who am I? Why am I here? What's this all for? I invite you to read the book Spiritual partnership by gary zucca. I highly recommend this Okay Why I recommend this book is because it's for those who are ready of a journey of true conscious coupling You have to be able to know how to consciously Uncouple in a relationship because that's what's happening when someone's pulling away. It's really your time to get centered To detach and really evaluate the merits. And so what you can do is prepare for a conscious Uncoupling a conscious uncoupling if you're not familiar with the work I highly recommend catherine woodward's thomas's book conscious uncoupling. You might have heard this about going to paltrow's um divorce Catherine wrote the the book on this. She's a personal friend of mine. She's gonna be on our channel Talking about this in the next month or so. I'm really excited about it. In fact, she wrote the She wrote a uh testimonial about my book That's catherine woodward thomas right there. Okay See when you can actually uncouple from someone in a healthy way that is the thing to do So you initiate a conversation You initiate in a way that allows for real Real heart centered communication And what you're detaching from is the idea Of whatever you if you ever if you created an expectation of some future I invite you to detach from any expectations any projections any desires of the future If I've learned one thing after the loss of my son I've noticed that loss can happen like this a change your relationship can happen like this At any given point in time a person can say i'm not in it for the long run And whatever their reason for saying that That's their journey See if you're following a true spiritual healing path you recognize that you're on your individual journey And the person you're with is on their own journey and the beauty of two people that are on a healthy Journey as they can come together and meet in that space of we And maybe sometimes it's a short lived experience But the reason for it is a gift most likely the gift of self love For a seasoned relationship the gift is deeper healing possibly See healing requires going inward But the problem is we have all the our dating process today is so fucking convoluted No wonder it's a mess for many of you out there, you know between hooking up and friends with benefits and situationships and casual relationships And even serious relationships Whether you're living together or getting married those relationships all come with it as a possible Opportunity for growth that may not go the distance, but I will tell you If you just found yourself in a hookup meaning you ended up in a one night stand you find yourself in the friends with benefits You find yourself in a situation ship the vast Okay, I have a beef Okay, i'm gonna go on a rant i'm gonna curse Please don't get upset, but let me just say this Most men in midlife are absolute jackasses.  Okay, many men not all a significant percentage of men Are operating from a hookup perspective of friends with benefits perspective or a situation ship They are not approaching the process honorably Now while I do believe 20 percent of the male population does honorably enter into the dating practice 85 percent A good percentage of those people are absolutely selfish self-centric only care about their own needs so ladies The ball you know the odds are against you. I'm sorry to be blunt, but the odds are against you. It's a sad truth This is why learning how to vet Is so critically important. So you don't find yourself as another notch on his belt and some listen I I say this habitually most men are good guys The reason why they're self-centric and selfish is because they're deeply wounded From their childhood or their adult traumas And they feel like occasional companionship occasional connection occasional sex will satisfy and heal them See, they're not going inward and doing the introspective work. They're not healing from the inside out And it starts with you first. I invite you all To read the book the Hoffman process the Hoffman process This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas. So then when you've read this book It's in your consciousness to know the man.  I I am no picnic. I am riddled with flaws I am not I know many of you, you know, many of you are so kind you put me up on a little bit of a pedestal I think what you appreciate most is I'm just a good communicator. That just happens to be one of my greatest gifts I'm unafraid to open up the conversation So I appreciate that you admire that for me, but believe me I've got my own neediness and weaknesses and issues with my own masculinity and femininity and all that crap See anyone that tells you otherwise.  That's my area of expertise All right, so what should you do when he pulls away? Go inward become introspective Detach from any attachment you have to the future Evaluate the merits of the relationship and initiate a conversation Which looks something like this I've noticed you pulling away Are you willing and capable of sharing with me what's coming up for you right now? Ideally do that in person, but you can do that in a text as well Believe it or not just that text alone might initiate a conversation And if nothing else you'll have decent closure And the worst thing to do is to blame him any in the future Because that's going to make it much harder for you to attract a really good partner in the future as well Is this sinking in and is this resonating? Please let me know if it is please hit that like button Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Please hit that notification bell And if you have something to say post a comment below, I'd like to hear your thoughts All right Time for q&a if you have a question Write the word question and post the question there after Or you can purchase a little soup. You can purchase a super stick or super chat There's a little dollar sign in the chat box All the money's from a super stick or super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son connor asley That's my son right there He passed away five years ago and his honor I donate to causes like the hoffman process insight institute And we just gave away 150 or gave Donation to seeds of love 150 donation to seeds of love It's an organization helping children who have been abandoned by their parents for because they have a terminal illness in the country of columbia so So we have our first question. Oh, and if you're watching the replay hit the super thanks, okay um What would make a man capable of having what would make a man not capable of having a relationship great question I love that question okay, um You know, there's a lot of things First off is he going through a contentious divorce? Is he going through a contentious divorce? That's one possibility of why he might struggle entering into a relationship Okay That might be one reason why he might struggle entering a relationship. Maybe he's got issues at his professional life Maybe he's got issues Related to his physical well-being. Maybe he's got issues with his children Maybe has issues with elderly parents He's most likely the ground underneath him isn't solid yet the same time he wants companionship He wants connection. He wants sex and because we literally get those things for free with little or no Commitment. It's so easy to enter into a temporary relationship See that's the selfish part The ground underneath him isn't solid I need some sort of connection with a woman And by the way, men feel incredibly satisfied when we have physical sex temporarily And we think we our problems are solved and yet we wake up the next morning Facing our problems that to come back what would make a man not capable of having a relationship. That might be the reason Hey folks, if anyone wants to come on live with me right now, I'm posting a link right here If you'd like to be live with me right now click that link We're going to have a chat this this is going to be our new format to have you actively So there's a link in the chat box right there if you'd like to be live with me just remember to if once you once you're selected make sure you turn off your youtube channel or put the buy or Stop play on it. So there's no Recording coming from it. So if you have a question you want to be live click that link. I've posted it right there all right Let's see kimberley has a question What if you what if you wait what if when we do use the space to look inward and we still love them and still want to Be with them and still want to work. How do we approach the conversation? It's the same as I said earlier Tim I sent you pulling away And I'm wondering if you'd be open or willing to share what's willing or capable of sharing what's coming up for you And have a conversation with me See I recognize you might love them But if they don't want to be in relationship with you all the love in the world isn't going to change that All the love in the world isn't going to change that So um, that's how you initiate the conversation Hey, it looks like we have someone ready to join us. So let's uh, let's do this And let's have them add to the stream Who's this? Hi, it's sedone sedone Okay, if you on the off chance you hear an echo make sure you turn off or stop Or put it on pause the actual video. So what question do you have for me? By the way, I'm going to be really harsh if you don't do this quickly. Okay. Okay. Okay He's put he's pulling away Okay, it's pulling away. Give me more detail Um, we haven't talked in the last four days. Okay. How long have you been dating? Six months six months. How often do you see each other? About twice a month Twice a month. Why is it so infrequent? Uh Live six months six hours apart six hours apart. Okay. So you're in a long distance relationship.  Okay, and when was the last time you physically saw him? Two weeks ago two weeks ago now in the beginning of your relationship. Did you talk about what you were looking for in a relationship? No Okay, did you have you ever defined that your boyfriend and girlfriend with one another? Yes Okay, are you? Yes, I hope Where you hope see now here's the thing before the penis ever goes inside the vagina It's really important to define are we in a committed relationship and when you're doing long distance It's critically important to have a plan six hours driving. Is it driving six hours?    Would you be willing to talk about or are you capable of talking about what's coming up for you? And by the way, you might want to do that via text message that gives him time to process He will most likely begin the exit Approach with you. He's going to start saying his doubts his uncertainty. He's going to use the distance as his excuse He's going to give you all of his excuses Okay, and what you have to do at this point is begin to Uh detach from any attachment you have in the future You have to really look at the merits of this relationship Your likelihood for success in the merits of this relationship is almost nil to begin with because of the distance I'm just being blunt with you, sweetheart. Yes, you are I Thank you. Thank you. I love your show. I love your show. Do what I said right now. Send me that text message. Send them I promise Thank you, Jonathan. Thank you. You're very welcome. Thank you All right, we've got another uh, we've got another victim Mary Lou.  Yeah, I can hear you Okay, um, I had a relationship with the man that was um, um going through a separation um A lot of what you did have a relationship with me when you talk about how Um, the underground was so unstable Mary Lou hold on hold on Okay, how long have you two been dating? Uh, we were together for six months. Okay, so this relationship is over, correct? Uh, yes, it is. Okay. So what is your question? Um, there's a part of me that wants to even though I ended the relationship because he Yeah, it's over Sorry, I can't hear you Okay, so What is your question? Should I give him another chance? And support him as he goes through the separation or should I just leave him alone and and wait for him to get divorced? So people that are going through a separation Okay, they've got a lot on their plate anything can change in this dynamic They could actually find they could find themselves staying in their relationship Right, okay. That's one possibility. They might find that you are a nice distraction in their life at this point in time Right. Um, so just remember that what's going on with him. He's on his own path What's most important is your path you ended the relationship for a reason, okay? Now the reason why you want to get back together with him Most likely is you're feeling a sense of loneliness. You're feeling a sense of missing him You want to have that connection again? Those are the reasons why you want to get back together with him most likely Okay But at the same time if he's not capable of full commitment with you then you're investing in a person It's like investing in a in a fixer-upper property. You better have a lot of money in the bank And just remember this piece of property is actually on top of a sinkhole. It can collapse at any moment Now you could give him a chance. Okay You can do whatever you want. This is your journey But I invite you to look at what why did he enter your life? What was good? What was what positive things that I learned about myself from this relationship? And what can I take forward in a new relationship with someone who's actually capable of a serious commitment? Is that sinking in? Is that sinking in? Yes, it is. Yeah, I did learn a lot about myself Okay, good. I'm happy to hear that. Yeah. Yeah. No, it like we had a real true spiritual and emotional connection more than I've experienced with anybody else and I'm hoping to I felt like I was going to a dead end that was leading to nowhere. So that's why I ended it. So, okay Sorry about not looking at you, but Getting a phone call. All right. Did I help you at all? Yes, you did. Thank you. All right.  Yes, thanks. Okay. I meant to give our previous caller a bear hug as well So I'm giving them a bear hug as well. Thanks so much for jumping on. Okay All right, folks if anyone wants to jump on right now, here's a link to Hop on and ask a question directly Let's see what else we have here one of our facebook member groups A member one of our members in our facebook group says I appreciate you being blunt to the point I appreciate you saying 85 percent of men are looking to get their dicks wet. It hurts, but it's wake up call Listen, I'm just I'm kind of making up these numbers. It's not a fact, but it seems like the truth So I appreciate that you appreciate that Leanne has a question and by the way if you want to jump on live with me hit that link that I sent out All right Leanne says I went on a date last weekend with the most spiritually connected person to date How can I date with intention and make smart decisions during the early phase? I'd love this ask really good questions one of the things I teach in my private coaching Is something called radical honesty pre-qualifying your prospect you ask really good questions Particularly in the area, but their their childhood upbringing about their past relationships You want to get a sense of where they were in the past and also get real clarity on what do they want with respects to What does a relationship look like for them and what does commitment look like for them? These are the most significant questions to ask in the early stages of dating. Okay, Leanne. I hope that helps Debbie said I'm liking this call segment with your live Okay, folks if you have a question and you want to be on live with me. There's a link that I just posted Okay, um, let's just add this one right here. Okay All right newly widowed meta partner How much does this that matter when it never has been my lifestyle? Wait newly widowed meta partier Excuse me.  She is a heavy-duty partier I know I could never date a heavy-duty partier. It's just not my style I'm more of a chill.  So you got to ask yourself Does this person's lifestyle fit into my lifestyle? You know, occasionally partying is one thing habitual partying is another I think by the time we hit our late 50s early 60s, you know, I've outgrown partying You know, what what is the purpose of partying? Are they seeking the next high?  Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. What's going on with your day? Tell me about all your day. I want to hear about your day. How's your day going? That's what partiers do. They just talk about the things in their life and not what they're they don't talk about What's in here in their life in my opinion? All right, folks if you want to be on live hit this link right here. Come on. Let's get a few more people on here All right Leslie just posted I share a man I know had Wait a share man I know had woman ask him out spontaneously for a first date drink was in his hood After quick drink ask if she can use the bathroom and meet his dog comes out of the bathroom butt naked crazy Yeah, people do weird things Yeah, so what he did a weird thing. Hey, we've got another caller. Trisha is going to be in the room I'm great. How are you? Good Sorry, I'm a mess. Um, that's okay. We're all a mess Question. I'm 45 years old. I had two significant relationships in my life. The last one ended two and a half years ago and How do I get over the worst heartbreak of my life? I've tried it's taken two and a half years Okay, so you know, I give you tough love, right?  I'm devastated.  The sky is falling.  I can't get okay. When did it end?  So that's two and a half years ago and you're still pining for this person Oh, no, he married somebody else. Oh, you said you were you haven't gotten over it I haven't like totally gotten over it though Well, how long were you in relationship with them?  You have given your power away to this individual I did Okay, so what do I always what books do I always recommend you follow my channel? No, not eight dates. Oh Um, self love the one that you wrote self love Okay, so Yes I want you to read the aunt the Hoffman process the Hoffman process This is a deep dive into healing your childhood wounds and adult traumas Okay, this isn't about eight dates. This is about you healing from the inside out I invite you to read another book The Untethered Soul by michael singer Oh Okay, now here's instructions anyone watching this right now You are only allowed to read one chapter at any sitting and no more than one chapter a day Okay, okay. Do not read any more than that. This is a dense book. This is real ninja level changing your perspective It has nothing to do with relationships Well, Jonathan what happened was I'm a super huge fan long story short. I was in a 10 year abusive marriage I was divorced for two years then I met a guy that totally stole my heart and then it broke my first real heartbreak and um It took me two and a half years. I still have so I want to ask you What terrible did what terrible thing did he do in the context that you had to call a doctor? An attorney or a policeman. What terrible thing did he do that required you to do one of those three things? Oh gosh, my ex-husband or my no your boyfriend that's robbed you of eight month relationship No, why didn't you why didn't you call a policeman for what he did? because It was because he didn't do anything wrong. Okay. Why didn't you call an attorney because he didn't do anything wrong Why didn't you call a doctor? So all you did is you hyper focused on What you wished you had in this relationship and he ended it for whatever reason it didn't work for him, right? Wait, you said you ended it, right? He ended it He ended it Is your value hear me out what this says most likely is Value in when else loving you And because of that your value was associated with someone else loving you. He holds your power Yeah, it is time for you to get your power back and he married somebody else. I'm totally over By the way, who by the way see the fact that you have to talk about them tells me that you're not working on you I'm trying to work on me But trying by the way, what did yoda say? There is no try only do try is listen It's your life. How old are you?  I do all of the other things Yeah, but your day But you have to heal yourself because guess what's gonna happen You're gonna meet another guy and a different version of this is gonna happen again A lot of it like I'll ask all the questions I'll tune in to you and see like all the different things that you say to resonate But I don't remember everything But I really try to follow the premise does it resonate does it sink in So when I meet someone I ask those questions and then I'm instantly turned off and then it's like, okay And I keep on going so I guess why why does it turn you off instead of turning you off? I want you to think about it like like if a person went in for a job interview Do you think the person doing the interview goes? Oh this person turned me off? That's not what they do They just say this isn't a fit your language matters Yeah So just simply say that didn't resonate with me. I wasn't aligned with this person But the minute you make it a turn off then it's about attraction Instead of the most important qualities you need to assess our alignment and compatibility And values and character and emotional maturity I understand hookups Well, guess what you're swimming in the sea of guys who just want to hook up Yeah, I did for the first 10 years after my 10 years after my marriage I was I don't I speak because I'm the guy that I talk about I was the guy anyway new woman. She's beautiful. Thank you so much. Thank you. I appreciate that All right. Thanks so much. Thank you. Bye now. Bye now folks if you want to jump on here's the link This is fun. This is a new format Okay, Evelyn says I've been dating a guy Seven weeks said we love each other he calls me his girlfriend But not physically but I'm not but not physically attracted to him We only do what he wants he pushes sex and he calls me sexy and hot So what's your question Evelyn? I don't see a question there I just think if listen if you're having sex with a guy and you're not attracted to him by now What's gonna change for you? I invite you to look inward and ask yourself that question. All right Hey, Jennifer's in the house If you're speaking the truth Jonathan men say this on dating apps. They're just seeking casual. That's it By the way, why buy the cow if we get the milk for free and the milk sometimes comes with With sex. All right, if you want to jump in on again uh Courtney Cobb asked was tisha one of your clients. No, she was not Um pump pump pump pump pump sharing Thanks for the props of the 10 $13.99 super sticker unusual number, but I appreciate it. Thank you so much Why don't you jump on? Um, and you're such a wonderful teacher. I appreciate that. I just give it to you.  I give it to you straight. You know no holding back All right Pamela says I love the new format. Come on Pamela. Why don't you jump on? Okay Courtney Cobb jump on let's see Gigi wants to let Evelyn know sounds like he's a love bomber proceed with caution All right, folks if you want to jump on come on. Let's have some fun. He seems like a bashful group Uh, let's see what other questions we have um McCoy says Hey, I cute someone off.  I had just met online He just he went too fast and kept asking me to do you love me more than Your ex boyfriend who is dead. I finally had to say enough Yeah, I think two people need to be on the same page when they start using the I love you language So that's my opinion anyway. Linda's in the house How do you know if they're pulling away or just going on a two week vacation without you?   I just uh, you know, most likely, uh, they're pulling away They're reevaluating the relationship and that's your time to pull back Re-evaluate the relationship go inward detach from an outcome and be introspective And then initiate a conversation okay All right rose is in the house After being in a friends with benefits relationship, how do you move on? No, how do you move on? I think you need to do an autopsy of the relationship I'm okay. So the autopsy looks like this What positive things did I learn about myself in this relationship? How have I healed my childhood wounds and adult traumas in this relationship? What was good about this relationship? And what am I most grateful for in this relationship? Folks if you didn't write that down, it's 45 minute mark go back and rewind this at the 45 minute mark and write that down Okay, but that's my invitation for you. That's how you move on Okay, come on bashful folks Here's the link be on live with me. It'll be fun This is your chance to get some tough love from jonathan He asked me if I like to go to the movie with him instead of heineken going by instead of heineken going by myself I thought it was nice way to ask. Don't you think so? I went to the barbie movie yesterday. Did anyone see that? Um He asked me if I'd like to go instead with him instead of heineken Going by myself. I don't get the heineken piece lulu. Apologize. I just don't know what that means Evelyn wants to add their guys past hit kick me He seems to be living hugs kisses all the time again. I don't understand that All right, folks if you want to be on live Look that link Join me on stream yard right now. This is your chance to join me live Oh, here we go ross is in the house Let's do this My gosh Can you speak up? Are you talking to me? Yes ross. Oh my god, turn on your camera. Well awkward Zach turn on your camera Okay, i'm trying Come on people are waiting hurry up do it fast I'm serious. Oh my gosh. Of course.  So what's your question? um Okay, so I guess I'm standoffish with people Oh, I can't do this right now. This is so weird. I was just Fiddling around with my camera. Um Okay, I want you to think of it this way. Okay women have a habit of saying in 10 000 words that men say in 10 words In 10 words think of a the question you want to ask me and then I'll ask you questions Okay, so why do people put up? a self persona Of themselves and then have nothing to back it up with Okay, so why do people put on a mask? Okay Self persona mask I think chris rock said, you know humans show up as the ambassador of their best selves in the dating process Why because most of us are have deep childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas That caused us to put up a wall of a sod Because very few people truly know who they are on the inside out In fact, the greatest question most human beings begin to ask themselves is who am I why am I here? What's this all for? introspective people do this they look inward Because our negative patterns and our limiting beliefs are usually a reflection of our childhood wounds and adult traumas That cause us to walk in life unconsciously. Okay So an awakened person is awakened to The pains that they're experiencing and walking in life Recognizing that the only person that they'll heal them will be themselves. Okay, so then why do they have a mask on? So if you look at any narcissistic personality Individual they oftentimes have deep-seated issues raised from their parents. They've had tyrannical parents. They've had Abusive parents toxic parents critical parents Neglectful parents I want you to imagine a little child being raised with that kind of experience And what happens is that they sometimes put a wall around themselves so tight That the only way they can survive is with this mask And this mask is self preservation I don't believe anybody does this intentionally I don't believe most humans intentionally want to hurt another human being and yet it happens all the time Okay, that this doesn't absolve someone of their behavior This is just a recognition that most of us have a little kid inside of us that's wounded And that's why many people wear a mask In fact, it's one of the reasons why the dating process is so polluted right now because we have individuals that are rather Rather self-centric They're only focused on getting their needs met This is true of women men and women alike women are just as bad as men. It's just a different version of it So that answer that's the long term verb. That's the long version to your question How about you ask me a specific question about yourself? Not I don't know like I honestly didn't even know that I was like really clicking into this but I feel like if I had something to ask should you just let somebody like Figure it out like should you just let them hit rock bottom? And then hopefully they bounce back and maybe they find something else. Maybe it's not you Maybe it's like not like you're not supposed to be saving people Okay, great question. So My friend Allison Armstrong wrote a book called the queen's code Now in this book she talks about what men go through is what's known as the tunnel. You mentioned rock bottom Once I went through a significant divorce and I lost my, you know, significant high paying corporate job I found myself at literally beginning to crash to the bottom That took from 2005 till 2010.  This was about a 10 year period Okay Most men are in the tunnel for a very long time The problem is if you're catching them on the way down You're fucked. Okay If you're catching them on the way up, here's the challenge He you saw him at bottom or close to bottom When he gets out of the tunnel he goes and ditches the relationship He's in so he can be a bright shiny penny to someone new this oftentimes happens So your job is to show up as much as a sovereign human being as you can possibly show up Find another human being who's in their sovereignty And join together because I think it was tony robbins and said that relationships are where two people should come together Fully whole and experience the joy of individuals wholeness if he's like this All right, let me do the camera if he's all over the map. He's hitting rock bottom He's just gonna take you down with him, but Jonathan. I love him so much.  I'm two years single now. So I'm okay. Good for you. Well, did I answer your question? Yes Okay, keep rise.  I give one back. Okay Thanks so much for being a big hugs All right, Kathy is in the house Well, they are high you can hear me I can hear you believe it or not. I'm on a ranch out in west texas Okay, west texas. Yeah, so anyways, um, I really appreciate you guys. I love maria and My question has to do with something. I think she could answer Um That you always like Ask her, you know, it's the polite way to ask something. Okay in my guy. We're doing really good It's a long distance four hours. He lives in austin texas. Um, okay. How often how long you've been seeing each other? Six months How how often have you seen each other? He comes up here almost every Tuesday. I mean every um thursday and stays through monday Okay, so you get together. So you have a fair amount of time together.  Yes, and we have you talked about Are you boyfriend and girlfriend with one another? Yes. Yes. Okay. Have you talked about a future together? Yeah, yeah, what does that look like? Well, that's the issue is that i'm still hung up because he's in such a um A close friendship with his former girlfriend okay, and it really bugs me because They see each other weekly like when he leaves here he'll see her and you did a a little clip the other day that i kind of um see him doing some of those things when They're not over their acts like talking about her like And i've asked him not to talk about her so much But like day before yesterday when he was here He probably mentioned her at least 15 times during the day Okay, so what if this was his sister instead of his ex-girlfriend would you care? No, I wouldn't care Okay, so then what is the issue? That's causing you to care Well, I know I have past uh hurts From infidelity. I've had okay. Okay relationship so It's quite possible. He has a relationship with her. I'm not saying it is but it's possible How has he did he tell you what was the reason they ended their relationship? She ended it in a slow mode Like in 2019 she wait wait wait that stop Why did she end it? Don't tell me the how why why? Uh, she wanted to explore other relationships Okay, so she wasn't satisfied with him that I guess okay, okay, so uh, and they remain friends with one another and they talk and see each other on a regular basis Okay, and that triggers you now Do you have a right to tell him who he's friends with? No Okay, have the two of you built genuine trust with one another Trying I've even met her on a couple occasions because she shows up at some of the gatherings that we go to Okay, so you've he's introduced you to her. He's been very transparent with you. Yes So then this is really then what's okay? So what this is is there's a trust issue coming from your end because of past infidelity He's being transparent with you. He's introduced you to this person What's missing in your relationship is deeper trust because you guys have this distance if he lived near you Then it'd be a different story So what is your plan of taking the distance from long to short? Well, that's a really good question. Um, I'm not moving fast. I'm moving slow because I just don't want to mess up What can you mess up do what why moving fast messes things up tell me You're already having look at you're already having sex together.  Well, he he's talking marriage. He's always already asked me he like he asked me to marry him like We hadn't even been going out like three miles go marry him. No way Why not? That's the definition of insanity Why? Because I have too much to lose What do you have to lose you can create free not you can put a trust you can it's like so fucked up to get married Like when you're my age I am 65 years old I just you're not that much older than me sweet art. So let's not go. I've got clients in their mid 70s Okay, so you have a prenup you have a trust Okay You know two things, you know, I have to be totally but my point is hear me out for a second It used to be people wanted to get laid. They got married. That was the rule of thumb up until 100 years ago It was a solid commitment. Okay So what's missing in your relationship is if you're saying to me your boyfriend and girlfriend But the reality is his commitment is either moving in together getting married. That's as solid as commitment you can make Okay, so why doesn't he what what does he do for a living? nothing Nothing, so why doesn't he stay with you for more than the weekend? He's in physical therapy just had shoulder surgery Okay So he goes back for his son For that Okay, we're both retired. We're going to call. Okay.  I have uh two disabled family members. I help out with okay Well, hey listen, I'm offering Well, wait michelle wants to say I disagree with jonathan trust your gut Well, does your gut tell you that he's doing something with her? Is that what your gut is telling you? Well, I just I don't think if you say doing something I don't think they're having sex, but they're doing other things So they're mostly could be having what's known as emotional sex. So hold on a second Friend of mine my ex-girlfriend wrote this book called chatting or cheating Oh, that's interesting. Okay. Okay. Here's a picture of dr. Sherry meyers right there. Okay. I help by the way I'm in this book. She talks about she talked about me supporting her I want you there's a link below as soon as you get done with this video I want you to click the link to chatting or cheating read this book. It's gotta It's got a great style to it the way it's written. Okay. It's really easy to read Read about what's known as emotional sex and you'll probably get answers to your questions. Okay very interesting. Thanks You're welcome.  All right, thanks so much Hi Okay, who else wants to join the live stream? Who wants to join?  It's fun This is not fun. I'm over here in new mexico I'm just a regular person honestly like when was the last time you had a first date About two years ago was actually a first date Maybe three Because then that relationship got on to like a couple of years So wait, so you're gonna be offended by what i'm about to say. So are you not having sex with anyone? I'm celibate. I'm trying to stay celibate Like I honestly even wear a ring on my finger just so I don't get like people following me at the grocery stores and stuff I honestly just want to like stay in my cocoon for a while, but I want to learn How to be a better partner If that can I refer book after book after book There's a plenty of knowledge with all the content. I recommend out there Now I invite you to start going to workshops personal development workshops self-help workshops You know yoga studios have great places to connect with people You know, these are the things you may want to change You know, we become so isolated after covet that people feel safer just sitting at home Okay, I invite you to go out in the world and connect Because you don't want cobwebs down there for so long I Know I know I really you know I'm young. I'm 42 actually Not young. I'm old You know what what is young old who cares? I know I know people my dad's 98 and he's still young But my daughter like I try to think of things like would I recommend this person for my daughter Or for my mom who recently got divorced after 40 years of marriage Okay, like really want to like recommend this situation for them knowing what I've Like done or been let me just say this You're not getting any younger To put yourself out there you're an attractive woman everyone's gonna say you're a beautiful woman put yourself out there You got nothing to lose Except what you do have is an opportunity for you to grow as an individual because relationships are a great container For our own individual growth our own individual healing whether it it's a short-lived experience Whether it's a short lived a season or a lifetime. It's an opportunity for you to grow as a person You're gonna do it Uh, yeah, I just feel like now I feel like oh stop whining and just say yes I feel so many red flags now that all of a sudden i'm like never let anyone to feel a red flag Okay That's true I'm gonna let you go.  So way to go michelle All right. We got time for one more. Is anyone digging this format? If you'd like to be on Click that link we can have some fun Um siga says my person of interest doesn't live in the same country But he's a player, but I know he has feelings for me. I know that well It's so great.  That's a true demonstration of character I want to explore a fully committed relationship with you no matter where this goes I want to explore that that's a person of character and that's why I invite you to invite into your life all right One of our facebook group members wants to say I appreciate this live format Jennifer says it's better to be celibate than giving sex away. You can use toys to get off ladies No, okay Mind you. I'm a guy. I think like a guy. Okay with that said Is I I certainly Invite everyone to only choose to be physically intimate with someone who you know Both you have potential for a long-term relationship with but most importantly you feel safe And you built a level of trust with one another so I'm not here to just go out and suggest You know hooking up or friends with benefits at the same time Yes, I mean toys can help but there's something about the human experience connecting with another person Intimately physically intimately at a heart-centered level Now I'm not suggesting you jump out there At a drop of a hat at the same time I've invited ross to explore her inner world and then put herself out there You'd be surprised how quickly Someone fantastic can enter in your life when you've done the inner work like I suggested throughout this interview or this video All right, thanks so much and boy by the way if you want to jump on to this live format. Here's a link One of our facebook members says Jonathan. Why do why I don't recognize red flags early in relationship? Thank you so much for your advice and knowledge Well, a lot of times you don't know. Okay, Evelyn. Here's the link A lot of times we don't know What to look for okay Dating is a process of learning a lot of times we experience what we don't want so we can learn what we do want That's oftentimes the case so first you have to recognize. What are some of the red flags? Okay Here's a couple the top by the way. I have video after video about red flags. Okay So take a look at any of those videos the top red flags. He's still married another red flag He only wants casual another red flag. He's got um a contentious relationship with an ex-spouse um another red flag he's going through Issues in his professional life another red flag is he's got contentious issues with his children These are just some of the more common red flags Okay, first off be aware of the most common red flags and pay attention to red flags many of you are in this space where um Um many of you are in this space where you're expecting Um Evelyn you'll be on in a second. Um, you're hoping for the fantasy And not recognizing the real reality of what relationships are all about. So that's just my invitation for you Real quickly corny cob will you do a new life format with marie? Just really quickly folks marie is going to be out of town for the next 30 days Um, she's got a family manner to content or address and also she's going to have some minor surgery so she won't be on with us for about a month and possibly she'll be part of this new format when she comes back on So, um, so that's just a quick update. All right. Let's get evelyn in the house Hi, so you asked here you go Yeah, uh Like I said, you know, I was seeing this guy I am seeing this guy Seven weeks now. All right. Wait. Wait time out time out. You've been so wait. Wait time out You've been seeing this guy. How long have you been seeing him for? seven weeks Seven weeks. How many times have you physically seen him in the seven weeks? We see each other every weekend So you've seen him seven weekends. Is that correct? Approximately. If the two of you've had sex together We've done small things So wait small by the way never say the word small to a man so So are we talking first base second base third base or fourth base? Uh Second base Okay, okay. So you feel each other up got it. All right. So what's your question? All right We said that we love each other Uh, like I said in the text before I've been hit. I've been kicked by men Uh, two husbands Um, they were the ones that hit me and kicked me. I was raped by one the first husband Um, before Evelyn, let me get to what is your actual question start with your question But my question is whether or not I should continue their relationship knowing that I may love him But there is no physical attraction but He is very kind considerate There's always hugging this kissing But he doesn't want to do anything that I want to do. It's always what he Wait, wait, wait. So you you said two different things now. There's no physical attraction Now does he have a beer gut the size of texas? Uh No, not really. Okay. Does he missing his front teeth? No, no Okay, so so you're judging him on looks, okay All right But does he have good character? Yes, he does. Is he kind to you? Yes, he is Is he generous to you? Is he a giver? Yes, he is So so you're so I I get that you want physical attraction But he doesn't have a beer gut the size of texas. He isn't missing his front teeth He may not be your type, but it sounds like he's a really good man. Okay Now you've even said I love you to each other. You said I love you to him Yes, I did Okay, so are you being disingenuous when you say I love you? No, I'm not Okay, so you love him Okay, he's kind he's generous a man of good character Now you said that you he doesn't like to do the things you like to do. What are we talking about? We're talking about I asked them. I says, well, how about we go blueberry thinking? No, I don't want to do that. That's too boring Okay, so what do you do? What do you do instead? What do we do? Yeah, what do you do? Um We play tennis. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day I mean, come on. What do you guys do? Yeah, we play tennis. We both like playing basketball We go to the shore we go to we go on the beach we go swimming That kind of stuff So, okay, you can simply say What's his first name? Rick Rick You know, it would really mean a lot to me if we went berry picking this weekend I know it's not your favorite thing to do I promise if you do this for me, I'm going to do something really nice for you. Is that something you're capable of doing? You mean I'm saying you say this to him Okay Okay, it's just as simple as that And if he's and if he's and if he's genuinely kind to give her all these things he's going to say yes Okay, you've got to get over your you know the thing is often It was Dr. Pat Allen once said that men fall in love through their eyes and women fall in love between the ears If you've said I love you to him You have care for him. You've been you've gone to second base Maybe you should go to the home run and see if there's a real physical connection Because just like in the movie revenge of the nerds and the the cheerleaders weren't a fan of the nerds The minute they became physically connected with them. They're like, you know, this nerd isn't such a bad guy Okay, this is an invitation Okay, I have one question for you though. So if I say what you said, what do I do if he says Nah, I really don't want to do any of that stuff Then start to cry Okay, all right What I mean is to say be pouty.  I told you to say that's what Maria. We're here. That's what she would say Okay, and you can have a little bit of a pouty face and if he's wait Wait, uh ester wants to say Evelyn said that he only wants to do the things he wants to do he sounds controlling and not considerate of what you want So now you said to me he was a man of good character. He was a giver. He's kind If he's truly those things Then he's going to want to do what you want to do coming back to what ester says Maybe it's possibly as a controlling behavior. And that's one of the reasons why he's not hoping to do that And this might be a red flag But again, you've gone to the point where you feel a strong connection for one another I think have an open conversation with one another and then see where it goes Okay, all right. Can I give you a big shout out to baron? Yeah Okay, can I get one back? Yeah. All right. Thank you All right, anyone else that wants to join on this will be our last chance uh By the way, j no says this is to eval and if he really loves you, he will very pick with you What does love mean when you say it to each other? You know, she brings up a good point Or j no brings up a good point. You know what you can simply say you've said I love you You've said I love you to me I think part of I love you is to do the things I'd like to do I understand this may not be your favorite thing to do, but genuine love says You know, we do the things that make our partner happy And I invite you rick to do this for me because it makes me happy And depending on how he responds will give you a lot of clues as to whether or not This is a sincere relationship or not. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know Hey folks, I hope you appreciated this new format. This was a lot of fun. I'll start inviting people on more often um And um, just as a reminder, we'll be doing another live video probably tomorrow. We'll just keep going and I hope you got value out of noticing when a man pulls away what you should do The real goal is to go inward and ask yourself What are the real merits of this relationship? Can I detach? From any outcome I have and really go inward and evaluate the real the real Longevity and value of the relationship itself not the man the relationship itself. Okay. That's my invitation for y'all All right. I think this will be a great place to wrap up if you found value in this Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel if you have something to say Please uh post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts if you're watching the replay hit that super Thanks button so you can donate um and uh, also Just a big hugs to you all all right I want to uh wrap up as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jar of the bearer of self-love I'll reach in the camera and give you a hug of love. Please excuse the pit stains. Uh, I invite you to uh Hug a friend a pet a teddy bear pillow Give either them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank linda and jojica Uh linda says give me a five hints to join the live. I can put on this. It's too late. We're ended tonight Brian is in the house. Jay knows in the house Esther wants to say I agree communication is really important. I like to hear another man said man You're not mind readers. Exactly corny cob says I appreciate the new format mccoy Nicole kimmy rosanne zen gal maryland Adar city Everyone thanks so much much appreciate it. Be well. Take care. Bye now


anybody can sell over the phone if they follow a process. That is it.  Totally, totally. Totally processed. He can make anybody's successful. Same thing. If you have a if you have a process, you can you can do it. And that's what that's what we do at Digital BGA as well. And so we, you know, have the technology and the training that anybody can go in and plug into assistant and just literally click a button and talk to somebody. Okay. Interested or not interested and just just keep going until you're until you make a sound. What is up and welcome back to another episode of insurance influencers where we find our freaking players and influencers in our industry to jump on educator audience and to bring some valuable content. My buddy Jeff Root is one of the best at doing that. Dude, thank you for being all man. Of course, of course, anything. I love it, buddy. Dude, I've always been, even before we knew each other, I was the dude lurking and listening to everything you put out, you know, and you didn't even know it. This was pre, pre YouTube and all this stuff, you know, but I was, I was the dude every time I got on a plane. I put on your podcast. That's, that's awesome, man. That was, man, that was like four or five years ago, I think when I first came out with that modern life insurance selling podcast. I haven't done it for a couple of years, but I'm going to fire that thing back up pretty soon here. That's awesome. I think it's been fantastic. Jeff is the owner of digital BGA, the host of the modern life insurance selling podcast we were just talking about and the author of the digital life insurance agent. He also talks a lot about five business owner fundamentals of life insurance agent, which I'm sure we'll touch on. When did you start to, you've been doing phone sales and, and you know, building outside the SEO for a while. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I, like everybody, I got recruited into the industry by Northwestern Mutuals, a financial advisor and ran through my personal network and ended up buying a batch of leads and selling one over the phone. The guy didn't want to meet with me even though he's 15. Yeah. And so he's like, do we need to even meet? Just send me the application. I was like, all right, I got it back, placed in force as the easiest seller made. And I was like, all right, this is what I'm going to focus on. You know, and so that was, you know, that was in 2007. And yeah. And then, uh, yeah. And so I just started working leads. I was, you know, back then it was like shooting fish in a barrel. Like every lead company was good. And, uh, you know, why do you think that was? Yeah. You know, so people were going online and there wasn't, there wasn't much competition. There wasn't many people advertising for life. When I was selling life insurance those days, I mean, I even put up a website and within two months, I think I posted like 10 blog posts, you know, not, I didn't know what I was doing. And then I started getting leads, people finding me. And these were great leads. And that's kind of how I kind of got my, you know, started getting my taste of marketing down. So, um, you know, as far as why it was so good, um, I think around 2008, that's when ping posting technology came out. And, uh, you know, where then those lead vendors instead of selling direct to agent and dealing with, with all that, they started sending them through Ping trees, which sells to the highest bidder and sells multiple times. And then it just diluted the quality of a lead.  Thank you, buddy. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.  And you can, who knows how many times the leads actually resold.  Yeah, exactly. So, you know, after 2008, everything changed. But before that, man, those, that was the heyday. Hey, have you ever, have you ever taken a disc assessment on yourself? No. You know why I ask? Because I see you as like someone, and I don't say it's about many people.  That's a D. I is like, I'm influential. I'm social, which, you know, you're both of those. S is like service oriented, which obviously you are. C is like, I'm consistent. I'm like a computer guy, you know, I'm going to put in the work, data. I kind of see you as being good in a lot of versatile ways.   I think it describes me to a T for sure. I'm writing it down right now to look into that. It's a personality, like a personality behavior test, you know, we do it with, with, we actually have every one of our salespeople take a disc before we hire them. And because you want salespeople that are like high D's and high I's, if their service oriented, they should be in my support department. If they're, you know, a high C computer consistency, all that, they should be in my, you know, they should be an engineer, but high D and high I, they're typically a better salesperson. You wouldn't believe this, but when I do Myers-Briggs, I always identify as an introvert. So seriously. Yeah. Yeah. For some reason that's, you know, maybe that's why, maybe that's why I podcast because nobody's in the room. I don't have to be on video. You know, I wrote a book again.  No, totally.  Definitely. No, absolutely. Um, you know, it all started when, um, I joined this location independent entrepreneur group, um, back in 2012, but I made a trip to Bangkok and I met all these like ninja marketers and, um, these guys doing just crazy things that I didn't think were possible, right? And that's where I kind of got the idea is like, at the time podcasts were like rising and these, you know, I saw a couple of presentations on podcasts and I was like, all right, I could do this, you know? And so that's where I did the podcast and I wanted back the next year to Bangkok. Again, these guys, they live around the world.   I was like, all right. Okay. So I wrote the book. Yeah. And so when you say the whole, the whole this thing, it makes, you know, makes it, cause I'm always diving into information and then applying it to insurance, you know, and not just to like that part of it, but to, you know, selling it over the phone. Um, and, uh, you know, a lot of different strategies that are pulled out of the insurance industry. Cause I mean, uh, let's see, uh, November 5th, Nailba, which is a BGA, um, conference that's in the next couple of days or so. It's just right at the street in Dallas from me. I'm in Austin and I keep getting phone calls. Hey, are you going? Like, you're going like, no, it's not my thing. I don't get any value from it.  I just, I just don't identify with, with that. So, you know, I think that's, that's kind of the way I'm, I'm kind of progressing is I'm just pulling information from outside and, uh, not really doing what's I'm supposed to be doing. Yeah. Yeah.  Yeah. Yeah.  You know, and, and so I've kind of noticed that as a trend over the last several years. We'll put out content and honestly, the most sought after thing that always comes up is tele-sales. You know, it's phone sales. It's, hey, I want to stay in my pajamas and make a million bucks a year. You know, like Anthony Martin. Um, you know, it's just like incredible. What, what, uh, was it, was it just the guy said, I don't want you to come to my house and you sold it and you're like, maybe I can do this again. Yeah. Was that it? That's exactly it. I like doing my Monday, my Monday night cold calls. And then, you know, the whole project 100 going through all that and, um, just, I just didn't like it. And so once I just, you know, once that happened, I was like, see, I'm done. Like I left within, within a couple of weeks, um, I was gone once I sold a couple more.  AIG was the big one and, um, just wrote a bunch of AIG for a couple of years. I mean, I really, right? Yeah. Yeah. Almost all term. I didn't even sell a final expense policy. Like I didn't even know it existed back then. So sell term life.com. Right. I mean, exactly. My wife came up with that name, by the way. Dude, that's a great name. Great name. I'll actually, I do research on stuff all the time. I'm, I'm like a research junkie and I kind of like to know what other people are doing, you know, and that site comes up all the time. Cool. Good. Good. It's still working. I just got to put some more effort into it, you know? Totally. I'm with you. Dude, what was the inspiration for the book and the book again, the digital life insurance agent? Yep. You can find it on Amazon. Um, inspiration for the book was I kept getting so many emails and so many people wanting me to mentor them. And I just don't have time to mentor people. And I'm not a Kodiaskans that's going to go to people and do all these presentations because it's not, it's not my thing, you know? So I just put everything that I knew about marketing insurance, generating leads, selling insurance over the phone, the processes, the scripting, the, um, you know, what's working and how I do it. Just as some people have the baseline. And so then I could just say, Hey, just send them a link instead of, Hey, I don't mentor people, but literally follow the book. That's what you mentioned, Anthony Martin. That's what Anthony Martin did. He followed the book, you know? So yeah. Wow. How long ago did you write the book? Uh, July 2016 is when it came out. Okay. Okay. I remember it had been out for several years, but that's good. That's really good. And you've noticed it.  Sure. Is I was in the car. Um, I think I was listening to a podcast or an audio book or something. Um, I think it was today. It was today or yesterday. My brain's always so scattered. And I literally had the thought, you know, I'm always talking about sales and building a sales team and everything we're doing.  Yeah. It was hard to get me to sit down for a day and write a book, but I think I should write a book, you know, for sure. I mean, it's, I'll tell you how the process went for me. It was, I wrote the first chapter. I outlined the rest of the book and then I hired somebody to kind of be my behind the scenes, like help me through this, help me formulate my thoughts, basically, um, interview me for Skype calls and then, and then jot all, and then she just took notes on everything that I said as I was just brain dumping. And then I take those notes, do some copy and paste and some typing on it. That's, that's how I got a book writer, but that's kind of, that's what I did, you know? Um, because I can't sit in front of a screen and and, and type thousands of words at a time and try and cause my thoughts, they happen right now. I'll forget my thought, you know, if I'm trying to type it out. Exactly. Dude, I mean, that is the, that is the mind of an entrepreneur. Like we, someone could be, someone could like hate our guts and two hours later, we're like, who were they again? You know? Yep. Yeah. So true. How long did it take you to write the book? Three to four months. So yeah, three months and then four months. Once it got to formatting, and I had to do a book cover and stuff and get it into Amazon. So I did create space on Amazon. So they print it as somebody orders it, they just print it out. Wow. Yep. That's awesome. Dude, that sounds so simple.  Right.  It's, yeah. You're not going to make any money selling books. I'm guessing. Exactly. I didn't do it to sell the books. So I don't care if I'm losing money by doing that. Yeah. Right. It, and why would you say you did it for a couple of reasons? You know, um, I would imagine, obviously it does help people. It does help insurance agents, you know, and it elevates your status.  I mean, I did it for, I did it for the authority. Truly. Absolutely. I wanted to get my knowledge out there in a digestible, tangible thing. I mean, it's pretty cool when somebody, you know, has something of yours tangible that they refer to rather than a website where they can read a blog or, or anything else, listen to the podcast. It's a lot more powerful and, um, I mean, that's, that's, that's the reason we're trying to build out, uh, yeah, like more swag, you know, and items and, you know, um, maybe a book, you know, etc. Because that's just, yeah, I noticed that like people, when I get a box in the middle, it goes on my Instagram story, you know, I mean, why not, right? It's, and so I think that's the same case for anybody in, in anything, you know, so. Yeah. And it's exactly what happened. Book came out and people started taking pictures with all my friends, of course, and the industry and like posting and sagging me. And then they kind of like, it was awesome. Yeah. That's cool, man. What, what tips would you give for someone that's really interested in, in selling over the phone, whether it's term or final expense? And they're like, they don't know where, they don't know where to get started. And it's not easy, you know. Right. I think, um, well, first of all, they need to come to the realization that, um, they need to invest in leads. And that is just a, that is that you are, you know, I think. Would you agree with without leads and agent is unemployed? Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Good. Exactly. So that's, that's number one. Don't even hop into telesales if you don't have any money for leads. And you don't even need that much money for leads, especially for final expense at cash flows. So well, you sell policy today, you get, you know, for a lot of companies that pays tomorrow, you know, with a 75% advance fund your next lead order. About how much money is a good starting point? Like, or at least like a minimum, you know, do you got to have this?  Even then, you're like, it's $1,000.  You know, you don't want to like get somebody involved. And then there's $1,000, you know, I always tell people, well, number one, find a place where you can get the training. And there's a repeatable sales process that you can plug into. Anybody can sell over the phone if they follow a process. That is it.  He can make anybody successful. Same thing. If you have a, if you have a process, you can, you can do it. And that's what, that's what we do at digital VGA as well. And so we, you know, have the technology and the training that anybody can go in and, and plug into a system and just literally click a button and talk to somebody. Okay. Interested or not interested and just, just keep going until you're until you make a sale. And so to kind of get back to, you know, you made the comment, like, yeah, $1,000, they might make a sale. They might not, you know, and they, they base it all off of that. It's true. Like I always say, if, if you buy your first batch of leads and you make a sale or two, that is awesome. Even if you're barely profitable, like you still have those leads to work, you still have all those follow-ups, they're going to fall in our technology. We can see, I mean, this is a, this is a cool piece of data where we can see our marketing and to, you know, and what results in sales. So we can take any time frame. And we see every week.  The next week, 1.7. The next week, you know, three months later, 6, 7%. You know, it's just, it takes time. So if you can break even your, like that's how all the rock stars started. Like you made a little bit of money from the very beginning. And a lot of people quit right there. And that's the thing is like, oh man, you know, I sold two policies out of my thousand lead order. Dude, you're profitable. Yeah. You know, keep buying your, a lot of those other ones are going to pop.  And that's, absolutely. And you know, if the cost of starting a business like this is only the cost of leads, come on man, like just do it work. Yeah.  You know, it's, it's crazy. Yeah. And literally, it's the cost of doing businesses leads. So that's my number one thing. You got to have money for leads if you want to get into business. That's good. Nothing groundbreaking, Emil. No, no, that's great though. And I love the sales process. I think it's one thing people struggle with, you know, even when they do have leads are like, I don't want to say I don't want to do, you know, and so I love, I love that. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, month after month, the guys I see in the top of our leaderboards, I mean, they stick to the same process every single call, they brain it in, they control the call, they've got great tonality, they've got a great attitude, they're saying, you know, they're, they're hitting their emotional points and they do well.   So, you know, a lot of agents kind of could really use like just a good sales process. And that's what would make them successful. What's your opinion on staying in control of the call? Asking questions? Yeah, I mean, so a lot of, a lot of people, a lot of consumers, prospects try to take control of the call. It's just a, it's a... Do you think that's what an objection? Yeah, do you think that's what objection is? They're just trying to take control? Yeah, yeah, in a way, for sure. You know, yeah, so I think that consumers don't know the buying process for life insurance when they sign up online, fill out a form online, you know, they just don't know the buying process.  So the fact that there's no, like consumers don't know the buying process of life insurance, yeah, people have the guards up and you got to get past that, you know, that's really what it is. And everybody's going to give you an objection, you know, until you can show them the process and you can get them to trust you. So. Absolutely. Yep. I love that. You mentioned before five business owner fundamentals of a life insurance agent. I'd like to get in those and share those with the audience. Sure. Sure. Yeah.  I'm a, you know, I'm a tell sales guy. And, you know, and we touched on it before is, is we are really with buying leads. We are business owners. And the great thing about our business is the cost of doing business is only the leads in a few nominal subscriptions for a CRM or whatever, right? Yeah. But agency to start viewing their agency as an actual business and most agents don't have the business education or experience. And so that's kind of what I'm kind of teaching agents. So they can kind of get another lens on some of the things that people are saying. So, you know, you know, what one of the five fundamentals that I talk about is increasing average order value. You go to any business school, you go to any e-commerce or any other type of business. Everybody's talking about increasing average order value. We don't use those terms in life insurance, but that's really, you know, we replace those terms and what we, you know, what you can do is obviously upselling, you know, adding writers or whatever, adding other products or cross selling with Medicare, DI, critical illness, anything like that, going for the double, spout sales, child sales, all that increases order value, something that nobody ever talks about is a down sell, like nobody's talking about down sells, right? But if you're an internet marketer, you know what I'm talking about, Cody, right? Yes, yes. Yeah.  But, you know, agents can down sell too. If someone says no, offer them an alternative product, you know? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, after a full presentation, when someone says no, most agents give up right then and there. They might try to overcome some objections. You know, by then you should know why it's a no, you know, is it affordability, is it trust, is it the wrong product? You know, the more savvy veteran agents know that this is a time to down sell and talk about something that they might have hit on in the fact finding process. So, you know, it's funny. It's funny you mentioned that. What I thought of and why I was actually laughing at the same time was I started at Mutual Omaha. I was 18 as an intern and I was calling, I don't, not actually on the phone book, but it, you know, it was cold calls so pretty much they were just, I hope they were scrubbed, but I was doing it for a veteran agent because I was an intern. I was learning and he would have me, the script was horrible, but it was like, hello, do you have life insurance? You know, or would you like, would you like a quote for life insurance? No. Well, are you on Medicare? No. Well, would you like a quote for an annuity? No. Well, how about disability?  I mean, but, I mean, but really though, after a full presentation and you, and you still get to know, I mean, yeah, there's probably something wrong with your presentation that, you know, your intuition didn't take you to where the prospect wanted to go, but you can down sell and you can talk about something else that might be more interesting to them. So that's what I mean about that. Yeah, exactly. Which is, which is gosh, it's, it's funny. I mean, it just is hilarious. So, so was that some of the things we were talking about was leads training sales process or were the fundamentals totally different? So, I mean, the fundamentals that what I just said was, you know, increase average order value, that's fundamental number one, you know, and it's just really getting those cross sells, those upsells, those down sells down. I mean, that's a big part of what business owners do and what you're taught in business school, what you're taught in really any internet marketing course to do that and just putting it in life insurance agent terms, you know, yeah, it's that's really what it is for us. And, you know, it's, it's just one of the fundamentals that a lot of business owners go through and it's just another, like I said, another way to look at these things that everybody's talking about and cross selling on everything, you're increasing your average order value and that's how you become more profitable as a business owner. Absolutely. No, I love that. I love that. That's good. What's number two? So, I got five. I'm not sure if we'll get through all of them, but I'm down to keep going. Number two, lift conversions.  How can you lift conversions? Every business owner is looking for a way to live conversions, meaning more sales per marketing dollar spent.  If you're generating your own leads online and, you know, that comes in the form of ad copy, targeting, landing page, conversion optimization, you know, I understand most agents don't do this, but it's one factor every agent generating leads is working on, you know, for agents that aren't, they're just selling great.  That's conversion. You're going to sell more of the people you talk to.  Another thing, field underwriting, you know, don't always sell the cheapest. Sell the most convenient. A lot of people don't want the cheapest. They just want to get something done, you know? Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, that brings up a good point.  I always think of you as like, you know, historically always selling a lot of term insurance over the phone, right? So, what would you say to someone that would say, well, should I sell fully underwritten or should I sell simplified issue? I would say present both and lean your sales process towards simplified issue. So, let them make the choice. Yeah. Good. Good. Because I used to sell, I guess I still do it once in a while, but fully underwritten term over the phone and or at least in person and I just hated the speed and the underwriting and it drove me nuts. Yeah. It's not fun. Yeah. It's not fun unless you have a big pipeline and it takes a while and we, you know, it's a falling off point for agents who want to sell over the phone is because they always go for the cheapest, which is the fully underwritten product, which takes six to eight weeks to get approved and paid or, you know, and then they're already out of money before they get that commission.  You know, we can always cancel this and go with something cheaper later on. You know, and it's, if you position it correctly, you'll, you'll get more than half of your sales will be simplified issue. Wow. That's good. Yeah. That's really good. Because yeah, coming outside looking in, I was always curious what you were doing, you know, and I didn't know that. So that's good. Yeah. Yeah. Most of our term agents are positioning simplified issue where they can. Obviously, there's limits on coverage amounts and everything, but when they can, they're positioning a supply issue and the market's getting, you know, better with accelerated underwriting up to a million dollars, even more in some carriers under certain conditions. It's only going to get easier convenience wise for those term agents. Why is that?  No, I just think it's technology catching up. That's really all it is. Yeah. Good. Good. That's awesome. Well, on the technology note, any, any thoughts from you on anything that is, you know, coming down the pike? You know, super random, but yeah, I mean, I went to insure tech a couple of months ago in Vegas. Yeah. It's, it's an incredible conference. It's not really fridge. Yeah. It's not really fridge. There's 7000 people there. It's unreal. You know, it's not really an agent conference, but I don't really see any technology in the life insurance space affecting independent agents in the near future. Good. Yeah. I think, I think agencies and agents just need to just build better processes, build their own tech or whatnot. I just don't see it. Good. I just don't see it happening. I mean, the only thing that you can say is threatening is those buy online products, you know, the ecosystem of the world and the show and all them, but you just had a buddy that sold, sold one, right? Something similar. Yeah. What are you referring to? Well, I don't know if we're okay to talk about it was, well, I guess you shared it in your group and online. I forget the guy's name. They, they sell, they were selling Medicare and final expense and you know, so there was like some of their site was automated, driving a lot of inbound calls and, you know, okay. Yeah. So yeah, this is, this is public. So assurance, assurance.com was recently acquired by Prudential for $2 billion guaranteed, but $3.2 billion with, you know, earnouts and everything that they're projecting ahead. And in this guy, figured a couple things out just from his specific knowledge that he gained over the past decade of selling over the phone. And he put it into tech. He, he, he just has this really intuitive system. I mean, it's amazing. And I mean, a lot of people have heard of assurance. I mean, they advertise everywhere for agents and a lot of people might have a bad taste in the mouth about it. I know agents doing really well. I know agents that burned out. It's just one of those things. I think it's the effort you put into it. That's with anything though. Yeah, totally. Yeah. I think it's a fine system. And you know, it's, but yeah, I mean, but that wasn't really disruptive at all. You know, that was, I don't think that would affect independent agents at all. And so, yeah, it's, it's nothing we can use. It's nothing we can, nothing we should feel threatened from or anything like that. Nice. Nice. Tell us about, for a quick second, digital life insurance agent mastermind. It was, it was in Vegas, right? Yeah. Last, it was earlier this year in Vegas, we had about 120 agents. It's a two-day thing. We're planning our next one for next April or May. And yeah, what we do is we just get agents in the trenches. We're not getting any carriers to speak. We're not getting any anybody that's going to try and sell you something on the stage. Everybody needs to provide value. We prefer agents in the trenches that are very successful. And so you kind of learn like the ins and outs and really it's just a place to connect with other digital life insurance agents. We're such a small niche and we get, I mean, and people take cracks at the digital life insurance space all the time, face-to-face agents saying how it doesn't work, how your persistency is terrible, how X what, you know, and it's just one of those things where we know what it really is. We're all going to hang out. We just have a great time. You know, we, it's, it's basically a two-day party with a ton of value. That's awesome. That's cool. You know what, you know what I love about that is, and the same thing for 8% is bringing those online relationships offline. You know, and I've learned, like even getting to know you over the last couple years, it's, it's been, it's been incredible, the people you meet, you know, because of conferences and events and things, mastermind things you can do in general. It's just, I'm learning that it is small. Networking is important. I used to ignore it, but man, I love, I'm enjoying socializing with other people. I always leave it valuable nuggets, you know. I think it's great. Absolutely. I mean, building community is, is everything. I mean, we're, as life insurance agents, we're at home working by ourselves, you know, to be able to get with people and talk to people that are doing what you're doing and learning from each other, you know, getting out of that, that bubble. Picking up new skills and new insights is just, is worth it. I mean, I always tell people it's not the, yeah, you're going to get a ton of value from the speakers, but it's those sidebar conversations where somebody is just going to leave you a nugget and it's just going to change the way you do your business. Absolutely. Yeah. Well, what's your, for those that are interested in joining the Facebook group, is it, is it, are people able to join it if they want to? Yeah. Yeah. It's the digital life insurance, yeah. Digital life insurance agent Facebook group. Okay. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. You can confirm while we're out on here. Yeah. But yeah, I was thinking that because I actually, I'm in it, you know, I see things every once in a while and again, and I think it's very, yeah, digital life insurance agents. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Tell us sales, tech and online marketing. Perfect. Perfect. Yep. I love it. I love it.   I'm thinking about quitting. You know, I'm in my first three years. I'm not making any money. You know, what's some helpful tips or some motivation or something you can do to help that person? Yeah. So, I mean, when somebody's struggling, I said this is the last mastermind and everybody laughed. I think people get in the way of themselves. I think, I think mine sets a lot, but I also think that if you've tried a bunch of different things where other people have been successful, there's something that you need to address within yourself. You may not be cut out for this, but you could be cut out for this if you can just get past a certain hurdle in your mind. I mentioned therapy. I don't ever recommend it. I don't ever say some of the struggling agent that emails me or gets in touch with me, go to therapy. No, I don't say that, but there's things you can do. I mean, there's coaches. There's, there's so many different ways to overcome that because people want to be successful so bad I can hear it in their voices. And if they really want to be successful, there's obviously, I mean, if they haven't made it work within two to three years, maybe they haven't found the right platform. I might refer them to somebody who can make them successful.  And right now you don't have that. You just, there's something blocking you there. And that's how I see things. I think everybody, most everybody has it within them to, to be successful in this business, but there's something there that's stopping them, you know, maybe they'll do the activity, maybe they're too scared to invest in themselves of leads. I don't know, but there's something there. It's typically the third one. Yeah, typically one of those two things you said, that's totally totally agree. Yeah. You know what, the power of like events and getting around people and being able to pick up knowledge and learn, we both, Trey Soar, who's in your Facebook group, we both met him, I believe, at insurance news in Chicago, right? That's right. Yeah. Crazy, the power of events, man. Yeah. It's good. Anything in closing you want to add anything you want to mention how, you know, if there's something you want to, any tips you want to give, how can they follow you? They can buy the book on Amazon. Any final thoughts? No, I mean, we post a lot in the digital, the Facebook group, so digital life insurance agent, tele-sales tech, online marketing. I'm a creeper, by the way. I'm a creeper. All good. I mean, ask questions. I mean, I'm there to answer questions in there. Everybody always emails me and everything and, you know, you're going to, you're going to get, there's a lot of successful agents in there that are creeping too.  There's a lot of... Totally. Danny Ray? Danny Ray. I love that guy. He will always pay it forward. He doesn't even know it, but I'm like his biggest fan. I love him. Well, you're going to see him in San Diego if you come out to the next one. I'll be there. Yeah. But there's a lot of guys that just will pay it forward and they're waiting to help somebody because they were all in that position at one point too. And so, yeah, I'd say the Facebook group, if you're just kind of interested, you know, in tele-sales, I would start there, you know, and then there's a lot of different routes you can go, but, you know, you need to know the situation. Totally. That's good, man. Dude, you are an absolute influencer and thank you so much for being on, brother. I appreciate you, Cody. You got it, man. Hey, thanks for watching Interns Influencers where we bring along someone every single week that is influencing and helping our industry so that more agents can be a part of the 8%. My good buddy, Jeff Fruit, go follow him. Join his Facebook group, grab his book, The Digital Life Insurance Agent on Amazon. And I always listen to his podcast, The Modern Life Insurance Selling Podcast. Have a great issue day. Appreciate you, buddy. 92% of people fell out of this business, which is insane. You believe there's four reasons why you believe the first reason is a lack of training? Yes. Yes. Explain that. So here's the thing. Again, just one man's opinion. There is an overemphasis on recruiting. What you should be doing as a new agent is learning


Let's take a look at the Opus 88 Calorro fountain pens, two new colors in today's fountain pen unboxing. The Opus 88 boxes are really clean and simple with the Opus 88 logo inside. You have a little pamphlet full of really simple and clear again instructions on how to use your fountain pen. It comes with an eyedropper to use when filling your pen. And this is your Opus 88 Calorro, and the first one we'll look at is the amber and white version. The Opus 88 Calorro is a very popular eyedropper fountain pen, and we're really excited to see these two new colors amber and white and pink and white both have the colored portions that are like sparkly and it still gives you the demonstrator look without being completely clear. They are fitted with a stainless steel nib, and it's a Jovo nib, so if you've used those before you'll know you can look forward to this one. The Opus 88 Calorro pen design is postable with a friction post, and it has a threaded cap and a spring metal clip. The Calorro is designed specifically as an eyedropper with a control knob and a center bar inside the barrel to help control ink flow, and it's the type of eyedropper system that you typically find among higher-end pens, but the Opus 88 pens are much more affordable than you may expect. And here's the amber and white and pink and white side-by-side. Subscribe to Pinchelay for more new pens and inks.


Hi everybody, Sean with jaspyscasebreaks.com and jaspys.com doing some late-night, early-morning personal breaks from our jaspys.com site. We're going to be doing a 2019-20 Panini Obsidian basketball personal box break for Scott, who's on our YouTube right now watching this. He's already picked out which box we're going to break for him, and that's this right here. So, at this point, let's rip it open, and good luck, Scott. Card Kings, those are on our YouTube case breaks, jaspyscasebreaks.com, and we don't have any case breaks sold out right now, so once they sell out, that's when they will be broken on YouTube. Most likely tomorrow, Thursday, or today, Thursday. No, you're good, man. I can do that for you. So, I'm going to move. Oh, you're all good, Scott. It happens, man. It happens. So, that's why it's pretty easy to understand what's going on. You just want Pacers?  That's the base card there. No color, no number on that. Next up, rookie Dylan Windler. Damian Lillard, base. Kevin Guter, purple. That's going to be numbers 37 out of 75. Card Kings, I just explained that.  Sea Ralph, have a good one. That's number 25 out of 25. You don't know who Kevin Guter is, Scott? There you go. Reduce those fractions, and you get yourself a one-on-one. Matrix Auto, Mark Aguirre, number 3 of 75. Ben, physical store will be open for another couple weeks or a week or so. Just keep updated on our Instagram, and we'll post when we're going to be opening up. And last up, rookie Otto Cameron Johnson from the Phoenix Suns. That is number 94 of 99. So, nice work, Otto, there for you, Scott. Not the names we were looking for or the Indiana Pacers like you were supposed to be looking for, but thank you very much for getting on that. Hey guys, that was a 2019-20 Panini Obsidian basketball hobby box. For Scott, I'm Sean with jaspyscasebrakes.com and jaspys.com. Personal boxes available at jaspys.com, group breaks, case breaks available on jaspyscasebrakes.com, and we'll see you next time.