Hello. Good morning everybody. Great to see so many people known and unknown here for this early session that I'm having the great honor to chair today. My name is Raphael Schmitt and I'm a researcher with the Natural Capital Project here at Stanford. And this session I think is really a great starter for our symposium in 2019. In this session we will put a spotlight on natural capital approaches in India and I'll be actually co-leading this session together with Mary Rookershaus, our managing director here at the Natural Capital Project at Stanford in January. I think for all of us at the Natural Capital Project, India really presents an exciting and also very urgent opportunity. India is amongst the world's fastest growing economies as we all know and this economic and also demographic growth really puts an incredible richness in ecosystems and the natural capital that India still holds until today into potential danger. And I think to make India's development more sustainable will really require accelerating the uptake of natural capital approaches to make rates of population or to really match the rapid rates of population and socioeconomic growth. And in terms of topics, in terms of some of the core topics that are relevant in India, thinking for example about the rapid urbanization or development of infrastructures, the challenges in India really touch on some of the core priorities of the Natural Capital Project to date. And I think often when we talk to colleagues about India here at NetCap or elsewhere, we are often astonished by the size of the challenges that we are facing in India, the size of the country, the amount of people and yeah, as I mentioned, the very rapid growth. But one thing that gives me really hope is the very unique and strong link between nature and people in India. So just to give you an example, my research area is the or our ecosystem services that are provided by large rivers to people and India with its two major rivers, the Ganges and Pramaputra has probably two rivers on this planet that are unparalleled in terms of the pressures they are facing from urbanization, from infrastructure development, from water abstraction and so on. But then at the same time, there are also probably few other rivers on this planet that are so much revered by people and that have such a great cultural importance for the people and that are actually considered wholly by a major part of the population in India. And I think this example is really makes me very confident that we will be able to find strategies that accommodate economic growth in India and growth of livelihoods and livelihood opportunities for people and at the same time don't spend too much of the country's natural capital. And with this, I would like to close and I would like to say that we have gathered a panel of really very distinguished speakers here today who will discuss their inspiring contributions in terms of science, their policy work that ranges from watersheds to cities and mentioning and discussing the challenges that India needs to meet in order to make its growth sustainable. And it sends my pleasure to introduce first our four panellists today that will give short presentations introducing their work now. Just go in the order of the presentations. First, we have Bhaskar Veerar who is a professor for political economy at the department of geography at the University of Cambridge and Bhaskar will lay out the background and the challenges for natural capital in India. Our next speaker is Professor Madhu Verma from the Indian Institute of Forest Management in Bhopal and Madhu's presentation will really be to highlight how better valuation and also modeling quantification of ecosystem services can help us moving from a paradigm of conservation versus development to conservation and development. Our third speaker is Professor Harini Nagentra from the other Cambridge University in Bangalore and unfortunately Harini couldn't join us today for medical reasons, but we have a short video recording of her talk in which she will send us, hopefully she will convey her QE messages. And last, but certainly not least, we have Sima Paul who has been on the stage before. She is the managing director of the India program of the Nature Conservancy and Sima will give us some insights into the innovative work they are doing showcasing how NGOs can be really instrumental for educating future champions, future leaders for promoting nature-based solutions. And with that I would like to welcome our first speaker, Bhaskar Veerai. That's great. Thank you very much Rafael and thank you for the invitation to the entire natural capital family. I've been wanting to come to the symposium for many years and by focusing on India you've finally given me no excuse for not being here. So thank you for that invitation. I'm really looking forward to the whole week actually and I'm privileged to be kicking it off. So it's really nice to be talking about applications of these ideas in the Indian context. What I'm going to do to set things up is really take you through sort of slightly longer historical detail. You know the language that we today use to describe these relationships is a language that is evolving. It's evolving with the kind of histories that Gretchen so sort of clearly laid out. You know we've been trying to develop these ideas at least since the last 25 to 30 years but of course the recognition that humanity has a close relationship with nature is something that's been around for a much longer period in time and has had different ways in which it's been recognized in terms of people's relationships and how those can be harnessed in order to kind of enhance well-being. So I want to set this slightly in a longer historical context even though the language that people might have used was not the language that we use today in terms of ecosystem services, natural capital and so on. So that's really the kind of context and then I want to kind of zoom into the contemporary and talk a little bit more about the opportunities as well as challenges and possibly lay the ground for what I know some of my fellow panelists are going to talk about in more detail. So that's really my plan. So I want to take us back at least to the middle of the 19th century when what I see is you know some of the early applications of the thinking that is now visible in the approaches that we use in a natural capital context started to become visible in India. The Forest Department in the northern Indian state of Himachal Pradesh had started introducing controls on grazing as early as that period. Recognizing the close connections in terms of hydrology, recognizing the importance of forest cover in relation to soil erosion, obviously not describing it using our contemporary language of natural capital but those are very early restrictions being placed in relation to managing nature and managing the sort of outputs from nature. These were ecological justifications. They didn't necessarily have the depth of scientific research to underpin some of these relationships and a lot of them were based on assumptions about changes in landscapes, changes in tree cover and the impacts that they may have presumptively on soil erosion, on downstream hydrological services and so on, some of which have been tested and verified, some of which have been challenged and we know that the science is continuing to evolve. Probably one of the earliest forest protection examples in relation to urban water supply was also introduced in Himachal Pradesh at that time. Shimla used to be the imperial capital. The plains of Delhi used to get too hot for the colonial rulers so they had to escape up to the hills and Shimla was the imperial capital about 6,000 feet above sea level. To secure water for the imperial capital they protected a water catchment in order to supply water and this was taking place in the 19th century. So applications that we now see as familiar ones in the natural capital dialogue were beginning to emerge as early as then. I'm taking you through sort of a very quick 100-year history and I think the next landmark I want you to point out was in 1980 the Indian government introduced probably one of the shortest pieces of legislation. It's a really short act if you read it called the Forest Conservation Act. The purpose of it was a growing sense within the central government. India has a federal polity so they've got state governments and central governments. A sense that the central government was losing control over forest protection because the state governments were encouraging developmental activities that were coming at the expense of forests. So the act was actually a centralizing act. It was an act which said that the power to divert forest resources should be taken away from state governments and controlled by the federal government in Delhi. It wasn't necessarily saying no development would be permitted but what it said was that the locus of decision making was shifting from state governments to the national capital because the national capital would be better able to think about the ecological consequences of development whereas state governments were facing pressures for development for obvious reasons. But the important thing from our perspective was that it is the precursor of what has been then subsequently applied as some really new innovative thinking and I know Madhu is going to talk about this also in relation to how can we actually then think about the value of forests and what is that value? So diversion was not prohibited under the Forest Conservation Act but if it was allowed it had to be accompanied with compensatory afforestation, the recreation of forests in what the legislation calls non-forest areas. Today we might see this as an offsetting program but it was introduced in that context. One of the states in 1999 Madhu Pradesh introduced an additional charge on project proponents saying that the future forest income that the state was deriving from forestry operations also needed to be compensated because the loss of forest was also a loss of an income generating resource and other states followed that the state of Himachal Pradesh which I've already mentioned started talking about compensation for the loss of environmental value which of course immediately begged the question what is the environmental value of forests? Can somebody give us a number? So the Supreme Court of India which had been intervening in the relation to forest protection firstly confirmed the application of this principle across the country and then said let's try and assess what that number might be. What is the net present value of forests? They had a sort of a committee which went into this and started to accumulate from developers contributions towards a fund which is called the Compensatory Afforestation Management Fund which currently sits with over seven billion US dollars waiting to be spent on this compensatory forestry activity. So that's the sort of precursor of what we will familiarly recognize as applications of these principles. This then took on another interesting dimension. I've already mentioned the federal structure in India which is you have the center and the state governments. A lot of the tax revenues go to the central government and there's a complex formula by which central government tax revenues are then recycled back to the state governments in order to encourage their developmental activity and this covers the whole spectrum of resource transfers from the center to the states. That's managed by something called the Finance Commission which meets once every five years and comes up with a formula through which central tax revenues are then passed on to the state governments. The 12th Finance Commission started asking the question about environmentally linked transfers and in particular in relation to forest cover the argument that was made by forest rich states that had a high percentage of their land area under forests was that there were two impacts. One was that there was an opportunity cost associated with maintaining forest cover. Maintaining forest cover meant that these states were giving up developmental opportunities and that opportunity cost should be taken into account. The second was that they started to use the argument of ecosystem services that by having high forest cover these states and Rafael's already mentioned the major rivers for example. The major rivers originate in the hill states which are often forested but the benefits of those are then experienced by half a billion people who live in the Gangetic plain. So this idea of ecosystem services being provided by states that were holding on to their forest cover in order to benefit the rest of the country was also put forward as an argument for changing the formula through which interstate central transfers to the states were then provided. The most recent Finance Commission which is the 14th Finance Commission has come up with a formula which says that up to seven and a half percent of fiscal transfers from the central government to the states will be based on an assessment of forest cover. So you're actually recognizing the stock of natural capital assets as an input into deciding how much money goes from the center to the state governments and that could be values of up to 6 to 12 billion. I'm not going to dwell too much on this because the expert on this is sitting in the room and she's going to speak after me which is Madhu Verma. She's been advising the Finance Commission. She's advising the 15th Finance Commission which is currently sitting so I'm sure she can't tell us what the formula is going to be but she can tell us about the process. So I'm going to and if people are interested there was a recent paper in conservation letters describing this so I've given a link to that at the bottom but the interesting thing is that this is an unconditional transfer so it isn't in some senses incorporating the principle of conditionality that some payments for ecosystem services obviously imply so we need to we need to recognize that this is essentially a compensatory transfer for holding on to a high natural capital asset. I'm going to switch very quickly to some recent research which we've just come to the end of so this was supported by a really innovative UK research program called ESPA which has just come to an end. It was called ecosystem services for poverty alleviation 10 years of funding which really encouraged a lot of innovative projects to think about these connections the connections between protecting national ecosystems and human well-being we were lucky enough to get a really interesting project towards the end and we focused in on six small towns now I know there's a focus in this symposium on livable cities I think it's really important to recognize how much of the pressure of urbanization is being experienced not just in mega cities but in small towns that are burgeoning all around the world and we decided to focus on small towns in the Himalayas because we thought that would be a good way to think about these relationships between these new urban settlements and the nature that supports them so that was the focus of our research I'm going to zoom in on just one of our case studies because it helps to illustrate the point that I'm making some images from the town it's a small town called Rajgarh it has a population of about five to ten thousand people depending on how you count it and it's a classic example of urbanization the images show you the way in which buildings are coming up in a relatively unplanned way in a quite complex and sometimes hazardous environment it's a mountain environment the image on the bottom right is a series of springs that exist across the town and people rely on those springs for part of their water supply but the municipal water supply is actually supplied by a wildlife sanctuary which is about 15 kilometers away from town and there's this there's this pipeline which connects the sanctuary all the way to the town and is providing this service so it is incorporating many of the principles that we're talking about in relation to ecosystem services the protection of certain critical water zones and recognizing these hydrological connections it's an already protected area because it's a wildlife sanctuary under India's legislation so it doesn't need additional protection what it does need is a recognition that this sanctuary is actually supplying hydrological services to a town which is 15 kilometers away so we had a look at the wildlife sanctuaries management plan and this is where the challenges start to become visible so the wildlife sanctuaries management plan has a list of things that are important but it doesn't mention water it does not mention the fact that this wildlife sanctuary is supplying water to this burgeoning town 15 kilometers away the irrigation engineers had never walked to the wildlife sanctuary because that was the domain of the forest department it didn't have anything to do with the irrigation department and I think this is where I'm beginning to sort of conclude with what I see the big challenges as well as opportunities and it's really this challenge of integration how do we get the different communities that are working in this area to actually talk to each other water supply is the joint responsibility of the irrigation and public health department and the municipality protection of the sanctuary is the responsibility of the forest department in the intervening area you've got agriculture which is looked after by the rural development and agricultural departments and none of those departments are actually talking to each other seeing this as an integrated resource that all of them are co-managing so how do we seize this opportunity so those are my sort of concluding thoughts I would summarize what I think is happening as a hesitant and perhaps slightly uncoordinated approach to natural capital at the moment in India that doesn't mean that the opportunities don't exist a quick word of warning civil society extends across many different types of sub sectors some of the human rights related groups and the forest rights related groups are slightly cautious about the language of capital so we should be aware of those concerns and recognize that we need to take those on board I've talked about the lack of coordination I don't think we have the level of political salience that has been demonstrated in places like Costa Rica and thanks to the efforts of the Nat Cap team in places like China India is about to embark on its next general election 600 million people are going to vote I'd be surprised if any political party has natural capital or anything which we could even interpret as natural capital in its manifesto so that's a big challenge but I think there is still potential I think there's real opportunity at the subnational scale at the state governments and at local scales and I know a lot of the conversation that will follow we'll talk about cities and urban opportunities as well so I think there are opportunities but I don't think we're there yet thank you


This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. The Young Visitors, or Mr. Saltina's Plan by Daisy Ashford, age 9, with a preface by J. M. Berry. The Young Visitors, or Mr. Saltina's Plan The owner of the copyright guarantees that the Young Visitors is the unaided effort in fiction of an authorist of nine years. Effort, however, is an absurd word to use as you may see by studying the triumphant countenance of the child herself, which is here reproduced as frontispiece to her sublime work. This is no portrait of a writer who had to burn the oil at midnight. Indeed, there is documentary evidence that she was hauled off to bed every evening at six. It has an air of careless power. There is a complacency about it that, by the severe, might perhaps be called smugness.  It probably represents precisely how she looked when she finished a chapter. When she was actually at work, I think the expression was more solemn, with the tongue firmly clenched between the teeth and unholy rapture showing as she drew near her love chapter. Fellow craftsmen will see that she is looking forward to this chapter all the time. The manuscript is in pencil in a stout little notebook, Tuppence, and there it has lain for years, for though the authorist was nine when she wrote it, she is now a grown woman. It has lain in lavender, as it were, in the dumpy notebook, waiting for a publisher to ride that way and rescue it. And here it is at last, not a bit afraid that to this age it may appear Victorian. Indeed, if its pictures of high life are accurate, as we cannot doubt the authorist seems always so sure of her facts, they had a good way of going on in those times, which is really surprising. Even the grand historical figures were free and easy, such as King Edward, of whom we have perhaps the most human picture ever penned, as he appears at a levee rather sumptuously, in a small but costly crown, and afterwards slips away to tuck into ices. It would seem in particular that we are oddly wrong in our idea of the young Victorian lady as a person more shy and shrinking than the girl of today. The ethyl of this story is a fascinating creature, who would have a good time wherever there were a few males. But no longer could she voyage through life quite so jollily without attracting the attention of the sensorious. Chaperone seems to be one of the very few good words of which our authorists had never heard. The lady she had grown into, the owner of the copyright already referred to, gives me a few particulars of this child she used to be, and is evidently a little scared of her. We should all probably be a little scared, though proud, if that portrait was dumped down in front of us as ours, and we were asked to explain why we once thought so much of ourselves as that. Except for the smirk on her face, all I can learn of her now is that she was one of a small family who lived in the country, invented their own games, dodged the governess, and let the rest of the world go hang. She read everything that came her way, including as the context amply proves the grown-up novels of the period. I adored writing and used to pray for bad weather so that I need not go out but could stay in and write. Her mother used to have early tea in bed. Sometimes visitors came to the house when there was talk of events in high society. There was mention of places called Hampton Court, the Gayety Theatre, and the Crystal Palace. This is almost all that is now remembered, but it was enough for the blazing child. She sucked her thumb for a moment, this is guesswork, and sat down to her amazing tale. Her mother used to have early tea in bed. Many authors must have had a similar experience, but they all missed the possibilities of it until this young woman came along. It thrilled her, and tea in bed at last takes its proper place in fiction. Mr. Saltina woke up rather early next day and was delighted to find Horace the Footman entering with a cup of tea. Oh, thank you, my man, said Mr. Saltina, rolling over in the costly bed. Mr. Clark is nearly out of the bath, sir, announced Horace. I will have great pleasure in turning it on for you if such is your desire. Well, yes you might, said Mr. Saltina, seeing it was the idea. Mr. Saltina cleverly conceals his emotion, but as soon as he is alone he rushes to Ethel's door. I say, said Mr. Saltina, excitedly, I have had some tea in bed. Sometimes visitors came to the house. Nothing much in that to us, but how consummately this child must have studied them. If you consider what she knew of them before the vehicle arrived to take them back to the station, you will never dare spend another weekend in a house where there may be a novelist of nine years.  I was particularly curious about the articles on your dressing table, including the little box containing a reddish powder, and she never desisted from watching you till she caught you dabbing it on your cheeks. This powder, which she spells R-U-G-E, rouge, went a little to her head, and it accompanies Ethel on her travels with superb effects. For instance, she is careful to put it on to be proposed to, and again its first appearance is excused in words that should henceforth be serviceable in every boudoir. I shall put some red rouge on my face, said Ethel, because I am very pale, owing to the drains in this house. Those who read will see how the rooms in Hampton Court became the compartments in the Crystal Palace, and how the Gayarty Hotel grew out of the Gayarty Theatre, with many other agreeable changes. The novelist will find the tale a model for his future work, how incomparable, for instance, the authorist dives into her story at once, how cunningly throughout she keeps us on the hooks of suspense, jumping to Mr. Saltina when we are in a quiver about Ethel, and turning to Ethel when we are quite uneasy about Mr. Saltina. This authorist of nine is flirting with her readers all the time. Her mind is such a rich pocket that as she digs in it, her head to the side and her tongue well out, she sends up showers of nuggets. There seldom probably was a novelist with such an uncanny knowledge of his characters as she has of Mr. Saltina. The first line of the tale etches him for all time. Mr. Saltina was an elderly man of forty-two, and fond of asking people to stay with him. On the next page, Saltina draws a touching picture of himself in a letter accepting an invitation. I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of digging in the garden, and I am partial to ladies, if they are nice. I suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman, but you would hardly notice it. But it can't be helped anyhow. When the great morning arrived, Mr. Saltina did not have an egg for his breakfast in case he should be sick on the journey. For my part I love Mr. Saltina, who has a touch of hamlet, and I wished up to the end that Ethel would make him happy, though I never had much hope after I read the description of Bernard Clark's legs. It is not to be wondered at that Mr. Saltina soon grew rather jealous of Bernard, who showed off from the first. My own room is next to the bathroom, said Bernard. It is decorated dark red, as I have somber tastes. The bathroom has got a tip basin. Thus was Mr. Saltina put in his place, and there the cruel authoress with her tongue farther out than ever doggedly keeps him. After dinner Ethel played some maritunes on the piano, and Bernard responded with a rather loud song and a bass voice, and Ethel clapped him a good deal. Then Mr. Saltina asked a few riddles, as he was not musical. No wonder Mr. Saltina went gloomily to bed. Not to sleep, but to think out the greater riddle of how to become a gentleman, with which triumphant adventure the book is largely concerned. To many the most instructive part of the story will be the chapter entitled Bernard's Idea. Bernard's idea, warmly acclaimed by Ethel, is that she and he should go up to London for a few weeks' gayatee. Something of the kind has often been done in fiction and in guidebooks, but never probably in such a hearty way as here. Arrived at the gayatee hotel, Bernard pokes his head into the window of the pay desk. Have you a couple of bedrooms for a self and young lady, he inquired in a lordly way? He is told that they have two beauties. Thank you, said Bernard, we will go up if you have no objection. None whatever, sir, said the genial lady. The beds are well aired and the view quite pleasant. Come along, Ethel, cried Bernard. This sounds all right, eh? Oh, quite, said Ethel, with a beaming smile. He decides gallantly that the larger room shall be hers. I shall be quite lost in that large bed, Ethel said. Yes, I expect you will, said Bernard. And now, how about a little tumbledote followed by a theater? Bernard's proposal should be carried in the pocket of all future swains. He decides, whilst imbibing his morning tea beneath the pink, silken quilt, that to propose in London would not be the correct idea. He springs out of bed and knocks at Ethel's door.  Well, not quite, said Ethel, hastily jumping from her downy nest. He explains his idea. Oh, hurrah! shouted Ethel. I shall soon be ready, as I had my bath last night, so won't wash very much now. They go up the river in a boat, and after they had eaten and drunk deeply of the charming Vians, ending up with meringues and chocolates, Bernard says in a passionate voice. Let us now bask under the spreading trees. Oh, yes, let's, said Ethel. Ethel, he murmured in a trembling voice. Oh, what is it, said Ethel? What it was, as well she knew, was love eternal. Ethel accepts him, faints, and is brought back to life by a clever idea of Bernard's, who pours water on her. She soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile. Take me back to the gassy hotel, she whispered faintly. With pleasure, my darlings, said Bernard, I will just pack up our Vians, ere I unloose the boat. Ethel felt better after a few drops of champagne, and began to tidier her hair while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm they tottered to the boat. I trust you have not got an illness, my darling, murmured Bernard, as he helped her in. Oh, no, I am very strong, said Ethel. I fainted from joy, she added, to explain matters. Oh, I see, said Bernard, handing her a cushion. Well, some people do, he added kindly. So I will end my chapter, the authorist says, and we can picture her doing it complacently, and slowly pulling in her tongue. Ethel was married in the Abbey, her wedding dress was a rich satin, with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white, and it had a long train edged with arum lilies. You will indeed be a charming spectacle, my darling, gasp Bernard, as they left the shop. And I have no doubt she was. She got a very delightful presence, the nicest of all being from her father, who provided a check for two pounds, and promised to send her a darling little baby calf when ready. This is perhaps the prettiest touch in the story, and should make us all take off our hats to the innocent, wondering mind that thought of it. Poor Mr. Saltina, he was at the wedding, dressed in black, and crying into his handkerchief. However, he recovered to an extent married another, and had ten children, five of each. None of them, of course, equal to Ethel's children, of whom in a remarkably short time there were seven, which the author has evidently considers to be the right idea. It seems to me to be a remarkable work for a child, remarkable even in its length and completeness, for when children turn author they usually stop in the middle, like the kitten when it jumps. The penciled manuscript has been reproduced, not a word added or cut out. Each chapter being in one long paragraph, however, this has been subdivided for the reader's comfort. J. M. Berry End of Preface Part 1 of The Young Visitors or Mr. Saltina's Plan This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org Chapter 1 Quite a Young Girl Mr. Saltina was an elderly man of forty-two and was fond of asking people to stay with him. He had quite a young girl staying with him of seventeen named Ethel Montacue. Mr. Saltina had dark short hair and mustache and whiskers which were very black and twisty. He was middle-sized and he had very pale blue eyes. He had a pale brown suit but on Sundays he had a black one and he had a topper every day as he thought it more becoming. Ethel Montacue had fair hair done on the top and blue eyes. She had a blue velvet frock which had grown rather short in the sleeves.  One morning Mr. Saltina came down to breakfast and found Ethel had come down first which was strange. Is the tea made Ethel he said rubbing his hands.   It was a hat box tied down very tight and a letter stuffed between the string. Well well said Mr. Saltina parcels do turn queer. I will read the letter first and so saying he tore open the letter and this is what it said. My dear Alfred I want you to come for a stop with me so I have sent you a top hat wrapped up in tissue paper inside the box. Will you wear it staying with me because it is very uncommon. Please bring one of your young ladies whichever is the prettiest in the face. I remain yours truly Bernard Clark. Well said Mr. Saltina I shall take you to stay Ethel and fancy him sending me a top hat. Then Mr. S opened the box and there lay the most splendid top hat of a lovely rich tone rather like grapes with a ribbon round complete. Well said Mr. Saltina peevishly I don't know if I shall like it. The bow of the ribbon is too flighty for my age. Then he sat down and at the egg which Ethel had so kindly laid for him. After he had finished his meal he got down and began to write to Bernard Clark.  I am fond of digging in the garden and I am partial to ladies if they are nice. I suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but you would hardly notice it We will come by the 315 your old and valued friend Alfred Saltina Perhaps my readers will be wondering why Bernard Clark had asked Mr. Saltina to stay with him. He was a lonely man in a remote spot and he liked people and parties but he did not know many. What wrought mothered Bernard Clark as he read Mr. Saltina's letter? He was a sumptuous man. End of chapter Chapter 2 Starting Gaely When the great morning came Mr. Saltina did not have an egg for his breakfast in case he should be sick on the journey What top hat will you wear? asked Ethel I shall wear my best black and my white alpaca coat to keep off the dust and flies replied Mr. Saltina I shall put some red rouge on my face said Ethel because I am very pale owing to the drains in this house You will look very silly said Mr. Saltina with a dry laugh Well so will you said Ethel in a snappy tone and she ran out of the room with a very superior run throwing out her legs behind and her arms swinging in rhythm Well said the owner of the house she has a most idiotic run Presently Ethel came back in her best hat and a lovely velvet coat of royal blue Do I look nice in my get up she asked Mr. Saltina surveyed her You look rather rash my dear your colors don't quite match your face but never mind I am just going up to say goodbye to Rosalind the housemaid I shall be long said Ethel Mr. S skipped upstairs to Rosalind's room Goodbye Rosalind he said I shall be back soon and I hope I shall enjoy myself I make no doubt of that sir said Rosalind with a blush as Mr. Saltina silently put two and six on the dirty toilet cover Take care of your wrong kites said Mr. S rather bashfully left the room waving his hand carelessly to the housemaid Come along cried Ethel powdering her nose in the hall let us get into the cab Mr. Saltina did not care for powder but he was an unselfish man so he dashed into the cab Sit down said Ethel as the cab man waved his whip you are standing on my luggage Well I am paying for the cab said Mr. S so I might be allowed to put my feet where I like They traveled second class in the train and Ethel was longing to go first but thought perhaps least said soon as mended Mr. Saltina got very excited in the train about his visit Ethel was calm but she felt excited inside Bernard has a big house said Mr. S gazing at Ethel he is inclined to be rich Oh indeed said Ethel looking at some cows flashing past the window Mr. S felt rather disheartened so he read the paper till the train stopped and the porters shouted Rickamere station We had better collect our traps said Mr. Saltina and just then a very exalted footman in a cocked hat and olive green uniform put his head in at the window Are you for Rickamere hall he said in impressive tones Well yes I am said Mr. Saltina and so is this lady Very good sir said the noble footman if you will alight I will see to your luggage there is a conveyance awaiting you Oh thank you thank you said Mr. S and he and Ethel stepped along the platform outside they found a lovely carriage lined with olive green cushions to match the footman and the horses had green bridles and bows in their mains and tails They got gingerly in Will he bring our luggage asked Ethel nervously I expect so said Mr. Saltina lighting a very long cigar Do we tip him asked Ethel quietly Well no I don't think so not yet Mr. just thank him politely Just then the footman staggered out with the baggage Ethel bowed gracefully over the door of the carriage and Mr. S waved his hand as each bit of luggage was hoisted up to make sure it was all there Then he said thank you my good fellow very politely Not at all sir said the footman and touched his cocked hat he jumped actively to the box I was right not to tip him whispered Mr. Saltina The thing to do is to leave two and six on your dressing table when your stay is over Does he find it asked Ethel who did not really know at all how to go on a visit I believe so replied Mr. Saltina Anyway it is quite the custom and we can't help it if he does not Now my dear what do you think of the scenery nice said Ethel gazing at the rich fur rug on her knees Just then the carriage rolled into a beautiful drive with tall trees and big red flowers growing amid shiny dark leaves Presently the haughty coachman pulled up with a great clatter at a huge front door with tall pillars each side of a big iron bell and two very clean scrapers The doors flung open as if by magic causing Ethel to jump and a portly butler appeared on the scene with a very shiny shirt and a huge pale face Welcome sir he exclaimed good naturedly as Mr. Saltina alighted rather quickly from the vehicle and pleased to step inside Mr. Saltina stepped in as bid followed by Ethel The footman again struggled with luggage and the butler Francis minute by name kindly led a hand The hall was very big and hung round with guns and mate and ancestors giving it a gloomy but a grand air The butler then showed them down a winding corridor till he came to a door which he flung open shouting Mr. Saltina and a lady sir A tall man of 29 rose from the sofa he was rather bent in the middle with very nice long legs ferrish hair and blue eyes Hello alphold boy he cried so you have got here all safe and no limbs broken None thank you Bernard replied Mr. Saltina shaking hands and let me introduce Miss Montecue She was very pleased to come for this visit Oh yes gasped Ethel blushing through her red rouge Bernard looked at her keenly and turned a dark red I am glad to see you he said I hope you will enjoy it but I have not arranged any parties yet as I don't know anybody Don't worry murmured Ethel I don't mix much in society and she gave him a dainty smile I expect you would like some tea said Bernard I will ring Yes indeed we should say Mr. Saltina eagerly Bernard peeled the bell and the butler came in with a stately walk Tea please minute cried Bernard Clark With pleasure sir replied minute with a deep bow A glorious tea then came in on a gold tray two kinds of bread and butter a lovely jam roll and lovely sugar cakes Ethel's eyes began to sparkle and she made several remarks during the meal I expect you would now like to unpack said Bernard when it was over Well yes that is rather an idea said Mr. Saltina I have given the best spare room to Miss Montague said Bernard with a gallant bow and yours turning to Mr. Saltina opens out of it so you will be nice and friendly both the rooms have big windows and handsome view How charming said Ethel Yes well let us go up replied Bernard and he led the way up many a winding stairway till they came to an oak door with some lovely swans and bullrushes painted on it Here we are he cried gaily Ethel's room was indeed a handsome compartment with purple silk curtains and a four post bed draped with the same shade the toilet set was white with mauve and there were some violets and a costly vase Oh I say cried Ethel in surprise I am glad you like it said Bernard and here we have yours Alph He opened the dividing doors and portrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale yellow and wild prim roses My own room is next the bathroom said Bernard It is decorated dark red as I have somber tastes The bathroom has got a tip up basin and a hose thing for washing your head A good notion said Mr. Saltina who was secretly getting jealous Here we will leave our friends to unpack and end this chapter End of chapter Chapter 3 The First Evening When they had unpacked Mr. Saltina and Ethel went downstairs to dinner Mr. Saltina had put on a complete evening suit as he thought it was the correct idea and some ruby studs he had got out of sale Ethel had on a dress of yellow silk covered with tulle which was quite in the fashion and she had on a necklace which Mr. Saltina gave her for a birthday present very becoming and pretty and murdered heave to sigh as he gave her his arm to go into dinner The butler minute was quite ready for the fray standing up and very stiff and surrounded by two footmen in green plush and curly white wigs who were called Charles and Horace Well said Mr. Saltina lapping up his turtle soup You have a very sumptuous house Bernard His friend gave a weary smile and swallowed a few drops of sherry wine It is fairly decent he replied with a bashful glance at Ethel after hour of past I will show you over the premises Many thanks at Mr. Saltina getting rather flustered with his forks You ought to give a ball remarked Ethel You have such large compartments Yes, there is room enough sighed Bernard We might try a few steps and meanwhile I might get to know a few people So you might responded Ethel giving him a speaking look Mr. Saltina was growing a little pee-vish but he cheered up when the poured wine came on the table and the butler put round some costly finger bowls He did not have any in his own house and he followed Bernard Clark's advice as to what to do with them After dinner Ethel played some merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with a rather loud song in a bass voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal Then Mr. Saltina asked a few riddles as he was not musical Then Bernard said shall I show you over my domain where I strolled into the gloomy hall I see you have a lot of ancestors said Mr. Saltina in a jealous tone Who are they? Well said Bernard they are all quite correct This is my Aunt Caroline She was rather eccentric and quite old So I see, said Mr. Saltina and he passed on to a lady with a very tight waist and clearly shaped my grandmother, I think said Bernard She was very well known in her day Why? asked Ethel who was rather curious by nature Well, I don't quite know said Bernard but she was and he moved away to the next picture It was of a man with a fat smiley face and a red ribbon round him and a lot of medals My great-uncle Ambrose Fudge said Bernard carelessly He looks a thorough ancestor said Ethel kindly Well, he was said Bernard in a proud tone He was really the sinister son of Queen Victoria Not really cried Ethel in excited tones But what does that mean? Well, I don't quite know said Bernard Clark It puzzles me very much but ancestors do turn queer at times Perhaps it means God's son said Mr. Saltina in an intelligent voice Well, I don't think so said Bernard But I mean to find out It is very grand anyhow said Ethel Is that? replied her host genially Who is this? Halting had a picture of a lady holding up some grapes and smiling a good deal Her name was called Mini Pilato responded Bernard She was rather far back but a real relation and she was engaged to the Earl of Tullivarden only it did not quite come off What a pity cried Ethel Yes it was rather replied Bernard but she married a captain in the Navy All right Here Mr. Saltina thought he had better go to bed as he had had a long journey Bernard always had a few prayers in the hall and some whiskey afterwards as he was rather pious but Mr. Saltina was not very addicted to prayers so he marched up to bed Ethel stayed as she thought it would be a good thing The butler came in as he was a very holy man and Bernard piously said Father and a very good hymn called I will keep my anger down and a decade of the rosary Ethel chimed in quietly and Francis Minnit was most devout and Ethel thought what a good holy family she was stopping with So I will end my chapter End of chapter Chapter 4 Mr. Saltina's plan Mr. Saltina woke up rather early next day and was surprised and delighted to find Horace the Footman entering with a cup of tea Oh thank you my man said Mr. Saltina rolling over in the costly bed Mr. Clark is nearly out of the bath sir announced Horace I will have great pleasure in turning it on for you if such is your desire Well yes you might said Mr. Saltina seeing it was the idea and Horace gave a profound bow Ethel are you getting up? shouted Mr. Saltina Far and nearly replied Ethel faintly from the next room I say said Mr. Saltina excitedly I have had some tea in bed So have I replied Ethel Then Mr. Saltina got into a moved dressing gown with yellow tassels and seizing his soap he wandered off to the bathroom which was most sumptuous it had a lovely white shiny bath and sparkling taps and several towels arrayed in readiness by thoughtful Horace it also had a step for climbing up into the bath and other good dodges of a rich nature Mr. Saltina washed himself well and felt very much better After breakfast Mr. Saltina asked Bernard if he could have some private conversation with him Well yes replied Bernard if you will come into my study I can have a few words Can't I come too? muttered Ethel sulkily No my dear said Mr. Saltina this is private Perhaps later I might have a private chat with you Miss Montague said Bernard kindly Oh let's do said Ethel Then Bernard and Mr. S strolled into the study and sat upon two armchairs Fire away said Bernard lighting his pipe You can't exactly do that said Mr. Saltina in slow tones It is a serious matter and you can advise me as you are a thorough gentleman I am sure Well yes said Bernard What can I do for you Ealf You can help me perhaps to be more like a gentleman said Mr. Saltina getting rather hot I'm quite all right as they say but I would like to be the real thing Can it be done? he added slapping his knees I don't quite know said Bernard It might take a good time Might it? said Mr. S but I would sleep for years if need be Bernard scratched his head Why don't you try the crystal palace he asked Several people Earls and even dukes have private compartments there But I am not an Earl said Mr. Saltina in a perplexed tone True replied Bernard But I understand that there are sort of students there who want to get into the war office and notable banks Would that be a help asked Mr. Saltina eagerly Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my old pal the Earl of Clincham who lives there He might rub you up and by mixing probably grow more seemly Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr. Saltina I will go there as soon as it can be arranged if you would be so kind as to keep an eye on Ethel while I am away Oh yes said Bernard I may be running up to town for a few days if she could come too You are too kind said Mr. Saltina and I don't think you will fight her any trouble No I don't think I shall said Bernard She is a pretty girl cheerful and active and he blushed rather red End of chapter Chapter 5 The Crystal Palace About nine o'clock next morning Mr. Saltina stood bag in hand in the ancestral hall waiting for the vehicle to convey him to the station Bernard Clark and Ethel were seated by side on a costly sofa gazing abstractly at the parting guest Horace had dashed off to put on his cocked hat as he was going into the barouche but Francis Minot was roaming about the hall well prepared for any deed Well said Bernard puffing at his Mirsham pipe I hope you will get on Elf I am sure you have that little letter to old clincher may Indeed I have said Mr. Saltina many thanks for the same and I do hope Ethel will behave properly Oh yes I expect she will said Bernard with a sigh I always do said Ethel in a snappy tone Just then there was a great clatter outside in the sound of hoofs and a loud ney the barouche I take at said Bernard rising slowly Quite correct sir said Minot flinging wide the portals said Bernard Clark good luck and God bless you he added in a pious tone Not at all said Mr. Saltina I have enjoyed my stop which has been short but sweet Well goodbye Ethel my child he said his bag in hand he proceeded to the door Francis Minot bowed low and handed a small parcel to Mr. Saltina A few sandwiches for the journey he remarked Well this is most kind said Mr. Saltina Minot closed his eyes with a tired smile Not kind sir he muttered quite usual Well really said Mr. Saltina feeling rather flabbergasted Well goodbye my good fellow and he slipped two at six into the button's open palm Mr. Saltina had to travel first class as active Horace ran on to buy the ticket which he presented with a low bow times and tidbits Oh many thanks Mr. Saltina in a most airy voice Now will you find me a corner seat in the train eh? If there is one sir replied Horace In got Mr. Saltina to his first class carriage surrounded by his luggage carefully piled up by kindly Horace The other passengers looked full of envy at the curly white wig of Horace Mr. Saltina crossed his legs in a lordly way and flung a fur rug over his knees though he was hot enough in all conscience He began to feel this was the thin end of the partition and he smiled as he gently tapped the letter in his coattail pocket When Mr. Saltina arrived in London he began to stroll up the principal streets thinking how gay all was Presently he beheld a restaurant on the way to outside and he went boldly in It was a sumptuous spot all done up in gold with plenty of looking glasses Many handsome ladies and gentlemen were already partaking of choice food and rich wines and whiskey and the scene was most lively Mr. Saltina had a little whiskey to make him feel more at home Then he had some curry to the tune of a merry waltz on the band He beat time to the music He held kindly at the waiters and he felt very excited inside I am seeing life with a vengeance He muttered to himself as he paid his bill at the desk Outside Mr. Saltina found a tall policeman Could you direct me to the crystal palace if you please said Mr. Saltina nervously Well said the genial policeman My advice would be to take a cab, sir What it said Mr. Saltina then I will do so He hailed a handsome and got speedily in To the crystal palace he cried gaily and holding his bag on his knees he prepared to enjoy the sights of the metropolis It was a merry drive and all too soon the palace heaved in view Mr. Saltina sprang out and paid the man and then he entered the wondrous edifice His heart beat very fast as two huge men in gold braid flung open the doors Inside was a lovely fountain in the middle and all around were little stalls where you could buy sweets and lemonade also scent handkerchiefs and many dating articles There were a lot of people but nobody very notable At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rather nice sweets which stuck to his teeth Mr. Saltina beheld a wooden door on which was nailed a notice saying To the private compartments Aha! said Mr. Saltina to himself This is evidently my next move and he gently pushed open the door straightening his top at as he did so Inside he found himself in a dimly lit passage with a thick and handsome carpet Mr. Saltina gazed round and beheld in the gloom a very superior gentleman in full evening dress being a newspaper and warming his hands on hot water pipes Mr. Saltina advanced on tiptoe and coughed gently as so far the gentleman had paid no attention However at the second cough he raised his eyes in a weary fashion Do you want anything? he asked in a most noble voice Mr. Saltina got very flustered Well I am seeking the Earl of Clingcham he began in a trembling voice Are you by any chance him? he added most respectfully No, not exactly replied the other My name happens to be Edward Procurio I am half Italian and I am the groom of the chambers What chambers? asked Mr. Saltina blinking his eyes These, said Edward Procurio waving a thin arm Mr. Saltina then noticed several red doors with names of people on each one Oh, I see, he said and perhaps you can tell me where the Earl of Clingcham is to be found At the end of the passage fourth door down, said Procurio tritely, of course he may be out, one never knows what they are up to I suppose not, said Mr. Saltina in an interested tone One cannot gamble on anything really, said Procurio returning to the hot water pipes though, of course, I know a lot more than most people about the inmates here What are the habits of the Earl of Clingcham said Mr. Saltina Procurio gave a smile many and various, he replied I can't say much in my position but one lives and learns he heaved a sigh and shrugged his shoulders Well, good day, said Mr. Saltina, feeling better for the chat Procurio nodded in silence as Mr. Saltina trotted off down the passage At last he came to a door labelled Clingcham Earl of in big letters With a beating heart Mr. Saltina pulled the bell and the door swung open of its own accord At the same moment a cheery voice rang out from the distance Come in, please I am in the study, first door Left With a nervous bound Mr. Saltina obeyed these directions and found himself in a small but handsome compartment done in dark green leather with crests on the chairs Over the mantelpiece was hung the painting of a lady in a low neck looking quite the thing By the desk was seated a tall man of thirty-five with very nice eyes of a twinkly nature and curly hair He had a plain suit of palest gray but well made and on one of the tables reposed a gray top hat which had evidently been on his head recently He had a rose in his buttonhole also a signet ring Hello said this pleasant fellow as Mr. Saltina was spellbound on mat Hello, your lordship responded our hero bowing low and dropping his hat Do I address the Earl of Clingcham You do, said the Earl with a homely smile and who do I address, eh? Our hero bowed again Alfred Saltina He said in deep tones Oh, I see, said the kindly Earl Well, come in, my man and tell me who you are Mr. Saltina seated himself gingerly on the edge of a crested chair To tell you the truth, my lord I am not anyone of import and I am not a gentleman, as they say He ended getting very red and hot Have some whiskey, said lord Clingcham and he poured the liquid into a glass at his elbow Mr. Saltina lapped it up thankfully Well, my man, said the good-natured Earl What I say is, what does it matter We can't all be of the royal blood, can we? No, said Mr. Saltina but I suppose you are Lord Clingcham waved a careless hand A small portion flows in my veins, he said but it does not worry me at all and after all, he added piously at the day of judgment what will be the odds Mr. Saltina heaved a sigh I was thinking of this world, he said Oh, I see, said the Earl but my own idea is that these things are as piffle before the wind Not being an Earl, I can't say answered our hero but may I beg you to read this letter, my lord he produced Bernard's note from his coat-tails the Earl of Clingcham took it in his long fingers, this is what it read My dear Clingcham the bearer of this letter is an old friend of mine not quite the right side of the blanket as they say in fact, he is the son of a first-rate butcher but his mother was a decent family called Hissops of the Glyn so you see he is not so bad and his desirous of being the correct article Could you rub him up a bit in society ways? I don't know much details about him but no doubt he will supply all you need I am keeping well and hope you are I must run up to the compartments one day and look you up Yours, as ever, your faithful friend Bernard Clark The Earl gave us like cough and gazed at Mr. Saltina thoughtfully Have you much money, he asked and are you prepared to spend a good deal? Oh yes quite gasp Mr. Saltina I have plenty in the bank and ten pounds in ready gold in my purse You see these compartments are the haunts of the aristocracy said the Earl and they are kept going by people who have got something funny in their family and who want to be less mere if you can comprehend I can, said Mr. Saltina Personally I am a bit partial to mere people, said his lordship but the point is that we charge a goodly sum for our training here but however if you can't pay you need not join I can and will proclaim Mr. Saltina and he placed a ten pound note on the desk his lordship slipped it in his trouser pocket it will be forty two pounds before I have done with you he said here and there is convenient oh thank you, cried Mr. Saltina not at all, said the Earl and now to business while here you will live in compartments in the basement known as lower range you will get many hints from the groom of the chambers as to clothes and etiquette to menials you will mix with me for grammar and I might take you out hunting or shooting sometimes to give you a few tips also I have lots of ladies' parties which you will attend occasionally Mr. Saltina's eyes flashed with excitement I shall enjoy that he cried his lordship coughed loudly you may not marry while under instruction, he said firmly oh I shall not need to thank you, said Mr. Saltina you must also decide on a profession said his lordship as your instruction will vary accordingly could I be anything at Buckingham Palace, said Mr. Saltina with flashing eyes oh well I don't quite know for the noble Earl but you might perhaps gallop beside the royal barouche if you care to try oh indeed I should, cried Mr. Saltina I am very fond of fresh air and royalties well said the Earl with a knowing smile I might arrange it with the Prince of Wales who I am rather intimate with not really, gasped Mr. Saltina do me yes remarked the Earl carelessly and if we decide for you to gallop by the royal vehicle you must be measured for some plush knickerbockers at once Mr. Saltina glanced at his rather fat legs inside well I must go out now and call on a few dowagers said his lordship picking up his elegant top hat well, au revoir he added with a good French accent adieu my lord cried Mr. Saltina not to be outdone we meet him on I take it not till tomorrow answered the Earl you will now proceed to the lower regions where you will no doubt find tea he nodded kindly and glided out in silence here I will end my chapter end of chapter Chapter 6 Highlife Mr. Saltina awoke next morning in his small but pleasant room it was done in green and white with monograms on the toilet set he had a tiny white bed with a green quilt and a picture of the nativity and one of Windsor castle on the walls the sun was shining over all these things as Mr. Saltina opened his sleepy eyes just then there was a rat tap on the door come in called Mr. Saltina and in came Edward Procurio balancing a tray very cleverly he looked most elegant with his shiny black hair and pale yellow face and half shut eyes he smiled in a very mysterious and superior way as he placed the tray on Mr. Saltina's pointed knees your early beverage he announced and began to pull up the blind still smiling to himself oh thank you cried Mr. Saltina feeling very tousled compared to this grand fellow then to his great surprise Procurio began to open the wardrobe and look at Mr. Saltina's suits making Italian exclamations under his breath Mr. Saltina dare not say a word so he swallowed his tea and ate a Marie Biscuit hastily presently Procurio advanced to the bed with a bright blue surge suit will you wear this today sir he asked quietly oh certainly said Mr. Saltina and a clean shirt would not come on this said Procurio what about this pale blue and white stripe with pleasure replied Mr. Saltina so Procurio laid them out in neat array also a razor and brush for shaving then he opened the door saying this is the bathroom shall I turn on hot or cold I don't mind said Mr. Saltina feeling very hot and ignorant it is best for you to decide sir said Procurio firmly well I will try cold said Mr. Saltina feeling it was more manly to say that Procurio bowed and beat a retreat to the bathroom then he returned and told Mr. Saltina that when he was washed he would find his breakfast in the sitting room when Mr. Saltina was dressed in his best blue suit and clean shirt he strolled into the sitting room where a gay canary was singing fit to burst in the window and a couple of dubs cooing in a wicker cage a cheery smell greeted him as Procurio glided in with some steaming coffee Mr. Saltina felt more at home and passed a few remarks about the weather Procurio smiled and uncovered some lovely kidneys on toast and as he did so bent and whispered in Mr. Saltina's ear you should have come in in your dressing gown Mr. Saltina gave a start Oh, can I? he said 10,000 thanks then Procurio passed out and Mr. Saltina finished his kidneys and chirped to the birds and had a cigarette from a handsome purple box which he found on the desk then Procurio entered once more and with a bow said his lordship is going to a levy this morning and thinks it might amuse you to go could you be ready by eleven o'clock oh yes, what fun said Mr. Saltina have you any notion what a levy is, my man? Procurio gave a superior smile it is a party given by the queen to very superior people but this one is given by the Prince of Wales as the queen is not quite her usual self today it will be at Buckingham Palace so you will drive with his lordship Mr. Saltina was fearfully excited what shall I wear he gasped well of course you ought to have black satin knickerbockers and a hat with white feathers also garters and a star or two you surprise me said Mr. Saltina I have none of those articles well said Procurio kindly his lordship will lend you his second best cocked hat as you are obliged to wear one and I think with a little thought I might rig you up so as to pass muster then they rummaged among Mr. Saltina's things and Procurio got very intelligent and advised Mr. Saltina to wear his black evening suit and roll up his trousers he also lent him a pair of white silk stockings which he fastened tightly around his knees with red rosettes then he quickly cut a star in silver paper and pinned it to his chest and also added a strip of red ribbon across his shirt front then Mr. Saltina surveyed himself in the glass is it a fancy dress party he asked no they always wear that kind of thing but wait till you see his lordship if you are ready sir I will conduct you in Mr. Saltina followed Procurio up countless stairs till they came to the Earl's compartments and tapped on the bedroom door come in cried a merry voice and in they strode I have done my best with Mr. Saltina my lord I trust he will do the hat of course will make a deal of difference Mr. Saltina bowed nervously wishing he had got corrected dickerbockers his trousers did not feel too firm in spite of the garters not half bad cried the Earl try on the hat Saltina it is on my bed Mr. Saltina placed it on his head and the feathers and gold braid became him very well but he felt very jealous of the Earl who looked a sight for the gods he had proper satin nickerbockers with diamond clasps and buckled shoes and black silk stockings which showed up his long fine legs he had a floppy shirt of softest muslin with real lace collar and cuffs a sword hung at his side and a crimson sash was round his waist and a splendid cocked hat on his head his blue eyes twinkled as he pulled on a pair of white kid gloves well come on Saltina hide and don't be nervous I will get you a pair of knickers tomorrow will you get a handsome Procureo presently the Earl and Mr. Saltina were clattering away to Buckingham Palace you won't mind if I introduce you as Lord Hysholps do you said the Earl as he lit his pipe you see you are sort of mixed up with the family so it won't matter and will look better so it would said Mr. Saltina what do we do at the Levy oh we stroll around and eat ices and champagne and that kind of thing sometimes there is a little music is there any dancing asked Mr. Saltina well not always said the Earl I am glad of that said Mr. Saltina I am not so nimble as I was and my garters are a trifle tight sometimes we talk about the laws and politics said the Earl if her majesty is in that kind of mood just then the splendid edifice appeared in view and Mr. Saltina licked his dry lips at the sight of the vast crowd all round were carriages full of costly people and outside the railings stood tall lifeguards keeping off the mere people who had gathered to watch the nobility clatter up Lord Clincham began to bow right and left raising his cocked hat to his friends with a lot of laughter and friendly words as the cab finally drew up at the door two tall lifeguards whisked open the doors and one of them kindly tipped the cab man Mr. Saltina followed his lordship up the grand steps trying to feel as homely as he could then a splendid looking fellow in a red tutic and a sort of black velvet tamashanter stepped forward from the throng shouting what name please Mr. Clincham and Lord Hissops calmly replied the earl gently nudging Mr. Saltina to act up Mr. Saltina nodded and blinked at the menial as much as to say all is well and then he and the earl hung up their cocked hats on two pegs this way cried a deep voice and another menial appeared wearing stiff white britches top boots and a green coat with a leather belt also a very shiny top hat they followed this fellow down countless corridors and finally came to big folding doors the earl twiddled his mustache and slapped his leg with his white glove as calmly as could be Mr. Saltina perspired rather hard and gave a hitch to his garters to make sure then the portals divided and their names were shouted in chorus by countless domestics the sumptuous room was packed with men of a noble nature dressed like the earl in satin knickerbockers, etc and with ladies of every hue with long trains and jewels by the dozens you could hardly move in the gay throng dukes were as gnaught as there were a good lot of princes and arched dukes as it was a very superior levy indeed Earl and Mr. Saltina struggled through the crowd till they came to a platform draped with white velvet here on a golden chair was seated the prince of wales in a lovely ermine cloak and a small but costly crown he was chatting quite genially with some of the crowd up clambered the earl followed at top speed by Mr. Saltina hello clinchum cried the prince quite homely and not at all grand so glad you turned up quite a squash eh a bit overpowering your highness said the earl who was quite used to all this may I introduce my friend lord his hups he is staying with me so I thought I would bring him along if you don't mind prince not at all cried the genial prince looking rather surprised Mr. Saltina bowed so low he fell off the platform and as the prince put out a hand Mr. Saltina thought he had better kiss it the prince smiled kindly I am pleased to see you lord his hups he said in a regal voice then the earl chipped in and how is the dear queen he said reverently not up to much at his highness she feels the heat poor soul and he waved to a placard which said in large letters the queen is indisposed presently his highness rose I think I will have a quiet glass of champagne he said you come to clinch him and bring you a friend the diplomats are arriving and I am not much in the mood for deep talk I have already signed a dozen documents so I have done my duty they all went out by a private door they found themselves in a smaller but gorgeous room the prince tapped on the table and instantly two menials in red tunics appeared bring three glasses of champagne commanded the prince and some ices he said majestically the goods appeared as if by magic and the prince drew out a cigar case and passed it round one grows weary of court life he remarked oh yes agreed the earl it upsets me said the prince lapping up his strawberry ice all I want is peace and quiet and a little fun and here I am tied down to this life he said taking off his crown being royal has many painful drawbacks true used the earl silence fell and the strains of the band could be heard from the next room suddenly the prince gazed at mr. saltina who did you say you were he asked in a puzzled tone lord hissops responded our hero growing purple at the lie well you are not a bit like the lord hissops I know replied the prince could you explain matters mr. saltina gazed helplessly at the earl who had grown very pale and seemed lost for the moment however he quickly recovered he is quite all right really prince he said his mother was called miss hissops of the glen indeed said his royal highness that sounds correct but who was your father then mr. saltina thought he would not tell a lie so in trembling tones he muttered my poor father was but a butcher your highness a very honest one I may add and a passing rich he was called Dominic saltina and my name is Alfred saltina the prince stroked his yellow beard and rather admired mr. saltina for his truthful utterance oh I see he said well why did you palm off on my menials as lord hissops eh mr. saltina wiped his sweating brow but the earl came to the rescue nobly my fault entirely prince he chimed in as I was bringing him to this very superior levy I thought it would be better to say he was of noble birth have I offended your royal dignity not much said the prince it was a laudable notion and perhaps I will ask mr. saltina to one of my big balls someday oh your highness gasped our hero falling on one knee that would indeed be a treat I suppose prince you have not got a job going at this place for my friend as the earl you see I am rubbing him up in society ways and he fancies court life as a profession oh does he said the prince blinking his eyes well I might see I suggested if there was a vacancy going he might try cantering after the royal barouche said the earl so he might said the prince I will speak to the prime minister about it and let you know 10,000 thanks cried mr. saltina bowing low well now I must get along back to the levy announced the prince putting on his crown I have booked a waltz with the arch Duchess of Greenwich and this is her favorite tune so saying they issued back into the room where the nobility were whirling gaily round the more serious people such as the prime minister and the admirals etc were eating ices and talking passionately about the laws in a low undertone the earl was soon mingling gaily in a set of lancers but mr. saltina dare not because of his trousers however he sat on a velvet chair and quite enjoyed overhearing the intelligent conversation of the prime minister and now we will leave our hero enjoying his glimpse of high life and return to ethyl montague end of chapter end of part one part two of the young visitors or mr. saltina's plan this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org chapter seven bernard's idea after mr. saltina had departed bernard clark thought he would show ethyl over his house so they spent a merry morning so doing ethyl passed bright remarks on all the rooms and bernard thought she was most pretty and ethyl began to be a bit excited after a lovely lunch they sat in the gloomy hall and ethyl began to feel very glad mr. saltina was not there suddenly bernard lit his pipe i was thinking he said passionately what about going up to London for a few weeks gaiety who inquired ethyl in a low tone you and me said bernard i know of several splendid hotels and we could go to theaters and parties and enjoy ourselves to the full so we could what an idea cried ethyl so the merry plan was all arranged and they spent the afternoon in packing their trunks next day they were already in the hall when the handsome vehicle once more clattered up ethyl had on her blue velvet get up and a sweet new hat and plenty of rouge on her face and looked quite a seemly counterpart for bernard who was arrayed in a white and shiny macintosh and a well brushed top hat tied on to him with a bit of black elastic well goodbye minute to the somber butler take care of your gout and the silver and i will pay your wages when i come back thank you kindly sir murmured minute when may i expect your return oh well i will wire he said and dash down the steps ethyl followed with small ladylike steps having bowed politely to minute who closed his eyes in acknowledgement of her kindness the sun was shining and ethyl had the feeling of going to a very jolly party and felt so sorry for all the passersby who were not going to london with bernard arrived in the gay city bernard hailed a cab to the manor born and got in followed by ethyl kindly drive us to the gaiety hotel he cried in a firm tone the cab man waved his whip and off they dashed we shall be highly comfortable and select at the gaiety said bernard and he thought to himself how lovely it would be if he was married to ethyl he blushed a deep shade at his own thoughts and gave a side-long glance at ethyl who was gazing out of the window well one never knows he murmured to himself and as one of the poets says great events from trivial causes springs just when they stopped at the gay hotel and ethyl was spellbound at the sight of the big hall bernard poked his head into the window of the pay desk have you a couple of bedrooms for self and young lady he inquired in a lordly way a very handsome lady with golden hair and a lace apron glanced at a book and hastily replied oh yes sir number nine and ten thank you said bernard we will go up if you have no objection none whatsoever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the view is quite pleasant come along ethyl cried bernard this sounds all right eh oh quiet said ethyl with a beaming smile they went upstairs and entered number nine a very fine compartment a downy bed and white doors with glass handles leading into number ten an equally deity room but a trifle smaller which will you have ethyl asked bernard oh well I would rather you settled it said ethyl I am willing to abide by your choice the best shall be yours then said bernard bowing gallantly and pointing to the biggest room ethyl blushed at his speaking look I shall be quite lost in that huge bed she added to hide her embarrassment yes I expect you will said bernard and now what about a little tabledoat followed by a theater oh yes cried ethyl and downstairs they went end of chapter chapter eight a gay call I tell you what ethyl said bernard clark about a week later I go and pay a call on my pal the Earl of clinchum oh do let's cried ethyl who was game for any new adventure I would dearly love to meet his lordship bernard gave a frown of jealousy at her rather mere words well dress in your best he muttered ethyl skipped into her bedroom and arrayed herself in a grass green muslin of decent cut a lace scarf long fawn colored kid gloves and a muslin hat to correspond she carried a parasol in one hand also a green silk bag containing a few stray hairpins a clean handkerchief five shillings and a pot of rouge in case she looked a dainty vision with her fair hair waving in the breeze and bernard bit his lips rather hard for he could hardly contain himself and felt he must marry ethyl soon he looked a handsome sight himself in some exquisite white trousers with a silk shirt and a pale blue blazer belt and cap he wore this in honor of the Earl who had been to Cambridge in his youth and so had bernard clark at last they found themselves in the entrance hall of the crystal palace and speedily made their way to the private compartments edward procurio was walking up and down the passage looking dark and mysterious as usual is his lordship at home cried bernard clark cheerily which one asked procurio many lords live here he said scornfully well I mean the Earl of clinchum said bernard oh yes he is in responded procurio and to the best of my belief giving a party indeed ejaculated bernard we have come in the nick time ethyl he added yes said ethyl in an excited tone then they peeled on the bell and the door flew open sounds of laughter and comic songs issued from the abode and in a second they were in the crowded drawing room it was packed with all the elite and a stout duchess with a good natured face was singing a lively song and causing much merriment the Earl strode forward at sight of the two newcomers hello bernard old boy he cried this is a pleasure and who have you got with you he added glancing at ethyl oh this is miss montague said bernard shall I introduce you if you will be so good said the Earl in an affable tone and bernard hastily performed the rife ethyl began a bright conversation while bernard strolled off to see if he could find any friends amid both wrong what pleasant compartments you have cried ethyl in rather a society tone fairly so so responded the Earl do you live in london he added in a loud tone as someone was playing a very difficult piece on the piano well no I don't said ethyl my home is really in north umbilund but I am at present stopping with Mr. Clark at the gaiety hotel in a somewhat showing off tone oh I see said the Earl well shall I introduce you to a few of my friends oh please do said ethyl with a dainty blow at her nose the Earl disappeared into the madding crowd and presently came back with a middle-aged gentleman this is lord hissops he said my friend miss montague he added genially ethyl turned a dull yellow lord hissops she said in a faint voice why it is mr. saltina I know him well hush cried the Earl it is a title bestowed recently by my friend the prince of wales yes indeed murmured mr. saltina deeply flabbergasted by the ready wit of the Earl oh indeed said ethyl in a peevish tone well how do you come to be here I am stopping with his lordship said mr. saltina and have a set of compartments in the basement so there I don't care said huffy ethyl I am in handsome rooms at the gaiety nothing could be nicer I am sure struck in the Earl what do you say hissops a doubtless it is charming said mr. saltina who was wanting peace tell me ethyl how do you leave Bernard I have not left him ethyl in an annoying voice I am stopping with him at the gaiety and we have been to lots of theaters and dances well I am glad you are enjoying yourself said mr. saltina kindly you had been looking pale of late no wonder in your stuffy domain cried ethyl well have you got any more friends she added turning to the Earl well I will see said the obliging Earl and he once more disappeared I don't know why you should turn against me ethyl said mr. saltina in a low tone ethyl patted her hair and looked very sneery well I called it very mysterious you going off and getting a title said ethyl and I think our friendship had better stop as no doubt you will soon be marrying a duchess or something not at all said mr. saltina you must know ethyl he said blushing a deep red I always wished to marry you some fine day this is news to me cried ethyl still peevish but not to me murmured mr. saltina and his voice trembled in his chest I may add that I have always loved you and now I seem to do so madly he added passionately but I don't love you responded ethyl but if you married me you might get to mr. saltina I think not replied ethyl and all the same it is very kind of you to ask me and she smiled more nicely at him this is agony cried mr. saltina clutching hold of the table my life will be sour grapes and ashes without you be a man said ethyl in a gentle whisper and I shall always think of you in a warm manner well half a loaf is better than no bread responded mr. saltina in a gloomy voice and just then the Earl reappeared with a very brisk lady in a tight silk dress whose name was called Lady Gay Finchling and her husband was a general but he had been dead a few years so this is Miss Montague she began in a rather high voice oh yes said ethyl Mr. Saltina wiped the foaming dew from his forehead little did Lady Gay Finchling guess she had just disturbed a proposal of marriage the Earl chimed into the conversation now and again and Lady Gay Finchling told several rather witty stories to enliven the party then Bernard Clark came up and said they had better be going well goodbye clinchum I must say I have enjoyed this party most rich of fee don't you ethyl? most cried ethyl I suppose you often come she added in a tone of envy to Lady Gay Finchling pretty often said Lady GF well goodbye as I see you are in a hurry to be off and she dashed off towards the refreshment place goodbye ethyl said poor Mr. Saltina in a spasm and he seized hold of her hand you will one day rue your wicked words farewell he repeated emphatically oh well goodbye said ethyl in a vague tone and then turning to the Earl she said I have enjoyed myself very much thank you please don't mention it cried the Earl well goodbye Bernard he added I shall look you up some day at your hotel yes do muttered Bernard always welcome clinchum old boy placing his blue cricket cap on his head and so saying he and ethyl left the gay scene and once more oozed forth into the streets of London end of chapter chapter 9 a proposal next morning while imbibing his morning tea beneath his pink silken quilt Bernard decided he must marry ethyl with no more delay I love the girl he said to himself and she must be mine but I somehow feel I cannot propose in London it would not be seemly in the city of London we must go for a day in the country and when surrounded by the gay twitterings of the birds and the smell of the cows I will lay my suit at her feet and he waved his arm wildly at the gay thought then he sprang from bed and gave a rat tat at ethyl's door what my dear he called well not quite said ethyl hastily jumping from her downy nest be quick cried Bernard I have a plan to spend a day near Windsor castle and we will take our lunch and spend a happy day oh hurrah shouted ethyl I shall soon be ready as I had my bath last night so won't wash very much now no don't said Bernard and added in a rather fervent tone a chink of the door you are fresher than the rose my dear no soap could make you fairer then he dashed off very embarrassed to dress ethyl blushed and felt a bit excited as she heard the words and she put on a new white muslin dress in a fit of high spirits she looked very beautiful with some roses in her hat and the dainty red rouge on her cheeks looked quite the thing Bernard heaved a sigh and his eyes flashed as he beheld her an ethyl thought to herself what a fine type of manhood he represented with his nice thin legs in pale brown trousers and well fitting spats and a red rose in his buttonhole and rather a sporting cap which gave him a great air with its quaint check and little flaps to pull down if necessary off they started the envy of all the waiters they arrived at Windsor very hot from the journey and Bernard at once hired a boat to row his beloved up the river ethyl could not row but she much enjoyed seeing the tough sunburned arms of Bernard tugging at the oars as she lay among the rich cushions of the dainty boat she had a rather lazy nature but Bernard did not know of this however he soon got dog tired and suggested lunch by the mossy bank oh yes said ethyl quickly opening the sparkling champagne don't spill any cried Bernard as he carved some chicken they ate and drank deeply of the charming theans ending up with meringues and chocolates let us now bask under the spreading trees said Bernard in a passionate tone oh yes let's said ethyl and she opened her dainty parasol and sank down upon the long green grass she closed her eyes but she was far from asleep Bernard sat beside her in profound silence gazing at her pink face and long wavy eyelashes he puffed at his pipe for some moments while the larks gaily caroled in the blue sky then he edged a trifle closer to ethyl's form ethyl he murmured in a trembling voice oh what is it said ethyl hastily sitting up words fail me ejaculated Bernard hoarsely my passion for you is intense he added fervently it has grown day and night since I first beheld you oh said ethyl in surprise I am not prepared for this and she lent back against the trunk of the tree Bernard placed one arm tightly around her when will you marry me ethyl he uttered you must be my wife it has come to that and I love you so intensely that if you say no I shall perforce dash my body to the brink of yon muddy river he panted wildly oh don't do that implored ethyl breathing rather hard then say you love me he cried oh Bernard she sighed fervently I certainly love you madly you are to me like a heathen god she cried looking at his manly form and handsome flashing face I will indeed marry you how soon guest Bernard gazing at her intensely as soon as possible said ethyl gently closing her eyes my darling whispered Bernard and he seized her in his arms we will be married next week oh Bernard muttered ethyl this is so sudden no no cried Bernard and taking the bull by both horns he kissed her violently on her dainty face my bride to be he murmured several times ethyl trembled with joy as she heard the mystic words oh Bernard she said did I ever dream of such as this and she suddenly fainted into his outstretched arms oh I say guest Bernard and laying the dainty burden on the grass he dashed to the water's edge and got a cup full of the fragrant river to pour on his true love's pallid brow she soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile take me back to the gayety hotel she whispered faintly pleasure of my darling said Bernard I will just pack up our vians ere I unloose the boat ethyl felt better after a few drops of champagne and began to tidy her hair while Bernard packed the remains of the food then arm and arm they tottered to the boat I trust you have not got an illness my darling murmured Bernard as he helped her in oh no she added from joy she added to explain matters oh I see said Bernard handing her a cushion well some people do he added kindly and so saying they rode down the dark stream now flowing silently beneath a golden moon all was silent as the lovers glided home with joy in their hearts and radiance on their faces only the sounds of the mysterious water lapping against the frail vessel broke the monotony of the night so I will end my chapter end of chapter chapter 10 preparing for the fray the next few days were indeed busy for ethyl and Bernard first of all ethyl got some dainty pink note paper with silver crest on it and sent out invitations in the following terms to all their friends miss ethyl Montague will be married to Mr. Bernard Clark at Westminster Abbey on June 10th your company is requested there at 230 sharp and afterwards for refreshments at the Gayety Hotel RSVP having posted heaps of these and got several replies ethyl began to order her wedding dress which cost a good bit she chose a rich satin with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a long train edged with erum lilies her veil was of pure lace with a crown of orange blossom her bouquet she ordered to be of white dog daisies St. Joseph lilies and orange blossoms tied up with pale blue satin ribbon you will indeed be a charming spectacle my darling guest Bernard as they left the shop then they drove to the tailor where Bernard ordered an elegant black suit with coat tails lined with crimson satin and a pale lavender tie and an opera hat of the same hue and he intended to wear violets in his buttonholes also his best white spats diamond studs and a few extras of costly air they both ordered a lot of new clothes besides and Bernard gave Ethel a very huge tiara made of rubies and diamonds also two rich bracelets and Ethel gave him a brand new trunk of shiny green leather the earl of clinchum sent a charming gift of some hem stitched sheets edged with real lace and a photo of himself in a striking attitude Mr. Saltina sent Ethel a Bible and a few pious words of advice and regret and he sent Bernard a very handy little camp stool Ethel's parents were too poor to come so far but her mother sent a gold watch which did not go but had been some years in the family and her father provided a check for two pounds and promised to send her a darling little baby calf when ready then they ordered the most splendid refreshments they had tea and coffee and sparkling wines to drink also a lovely wedding cake of great height with a sugar angel at the top holding a sword made of almond paste they had countless cakes besides also ices jelly, meringues jam tarts with plenty of jam on each some cold tongue some ham with salad and a pigs head done up in a wondrous manner Ethel could hardly contain herself as she gazed at the sumptuous repast and Bernard gave her a glass of rich wine while he imbibed some whiskey before going to bed Ethel got speedily into her bed for the last time at the dear old gaiety and shed a few salt tears thinking of her past life but she quickly cheered up and began to plan about how many children she would have have a good lot she thought to herself and so saying she fell into repose end of chapter chapter 11 the wedding the abbey was indeed thronged next day when Ethel and Bernard catered up in a very fine carriage drawn by two prancing steeds who foamed a good deal in the porch stood several clean altar boys who conducted a lucky pair up the aisle while the organ peeled a merry blast the mighty edifice was packed and seated in the front row was the Earl of Clincham looking very brisk as he was going to give Ethel away at the correct moment beside him sat Mr. Sultana all in black and looking bitterly sad and he ground his teeth as Ethel came marching up there were some merry hymns and Bernard were one the clergyman began a sermon about Adam and Eve and the servant and Mr. Sultana cried into his large handkerchief and the Earl kept on nudging him as his sniffs were rather loud then the wedding march peeled forth and down the church stepped Ethel and Bernard as husband and wife into the cab they got and speedily dashed off to the gaiety young refreshments were indeed a treat to all and even Mr. Sultana cheered up when he beheld the wedding cake and sparkling wines then the Earl got up and made a very fine speech about marriage vows and bliss and he quoted several good bits from the Bible which got a lot of applause Bernard replied in good round terms I thank your lordship for those kind remarks he said in clear tones I expect we shall be as happy as a lark and I hope you will all be ditto some day here here muttered a stray lady in the crowd and down sat Bernard while Ethel went up to change her wedding garment for a choice pink velvet dress with a golden girdle and a very chic toque Bernard also put on a new suit of blue stripe and some silk socks and clean under clothing hurrah hurrah shouted the guests the pair reappeared in the aforesaid get-ups then everyone got a bag of rice and sprinkled on the pair and Mr. Sultana sadly threw a white tennis shoe at them wiping his eyes all the while off drove the happy pair and the guests finished up the food the happy pair went to Egypt for their honeymoon as they thought it would be a nice warm spot and they had never seen the wondrous land Ethel was a bit sick but Bernard braved the storm in manly style however Ethel had recovered by the time they got to Egypt and here we will leave them for a merry six weeks of bliss while we return to England end of chapter chapter 12 how it ended Mr. Sultana by the aid of the Earl and the kindness of the Prince of Wales managed to get the job his soul craved and any day he might be seen in Hyde Park or Piccadilly galloping madly after the royal carriage in a smart suit of green velvet with knickerbockers complete at first he was rather terrified as he was not used to riding and he found his horse bumped him a good deal and he had to cling on desperately to its flowing mane at other times the horse would stop dead and Mr. Sultana would use his spurs and bad language with no avail but he soon got more used to his fresh and sultry steed and his royal highness seemed satisfied the Earl continued his merry life at the compartments till finally he fell in love with one of the noble ladies who haunted them she was not so pretty as Ethel as she had a rather bulgy figure and brown eyes but she had lovely raven tresses a pointed nose and a rose-like complexion of a dainty hue she had very nice feet and plenty of money her name was called Lady Helena Herring and her age was twenty-five and she mated well with the Earl Mr. Sultana grew very lonely after the Earl was married and he could not bear a single life anymore so failing Ethel he married one of the maids in waiting at Buckingham Palace by name Bessie Top a pleasant girl of eighteen with a round red face and her starry eyes so now that all our friends are married I will add a few words about their families Ethel and Bernard returned from their honeymoon with a son and heir a nice fat baby called Ignatius Bernard they soon had six more children four boys and three girls and some of them were twins which was very exciting the Earl only got two rather sickly girls called Helen and Marie because the last one looked slightly French Mr. Sultana had a large family of ten five of each but he grew very morose as the years rolled by and his little cottage was very noisy and his wife was a bit annoying at times especially when he took to dreaming of Ethel and wishing he could have married her still he was a pious man in his way and found relief in prayer Bernard Clark was the happiest of our friends as he loved Ethel to the bitter end and so did she him and they had a nice house too the Earl soon got tired of his sickly daughters and his wife had a savage temper so he thought he would divorce her and try again but he gave up the idea after several attempts and decided to offer it up as a mortification so now my dear readers we will say farewell to the characters in this book The End End of The Young Visitors or Mr. Sultana's Plan by Daisy Ashford age nine


When we first started talking about two slit interference, we were trying to figure out where the light was a wave or a particle. Well it turns out that if you turn down a light beam when you're making this beautiful two slit interference pattern, you also see these blobs appear one by one. And so quantum mechanics doesn't just describe electrons, it also describes light and those little blobs are called photons. And in fact, absolutely everything in the universe seems to obey the laws of quantum mechanics. So everything, all kinds of matter, all kinds of light, everything appears to travel as waves and when you look at them it jumps. So quantum mechanics is the model for all stuff in the universe. And in fact, two slit interference has been performed on molecules containing almost a thousand atoms. So if quantum mechanics really applies to everything, big and small, then the real question shouldn't be, well in that case, why is the theory so weird? The real question should be, so why are things so simple? Why haven't I seen this strange behavior before? If I'm actually a wave and I can walk through two doors at once, then I ought to have noticed that by now.