Amen. So, Judges chapter 19. So, welcome to the worst story in the Bible as far as, you know, messed up stories in the Bible go. In the Bible, messed up stories in the Bible go. This has got to be easily number one. So, there's a lot of things in this story that we're going to go through this evening. The story actually continues for a couple more chapters, but we're going to focus on what we can learn from Judges chapter 19 this evening. So, let's start out right away. It's a longer chapter. So, let's try to get through this verse by verse, and then we'll see what we can apply from this. But look at Judges chapter 19 in verse number one. The Bible says, and it came to pass in those days, when there was no king in Israel, that there was a certain Levite sojourning by the side of Mount Ephraim, who took to him a concubine out of Bethlehem, Judah.  I mean, you're only supposed to have one wife, but, you know, this is not the way things were going. Look at verse number two. And his concubine played the whore against him and went away from him under her father's house to Bethlehem, Judah, and was there four whole months. And her husband arose and went after her to speak friendly under her and to bring her again, having his servant with him, and a couple of asses, and she brought him into her father's house. And when the father of the damsel saw him, he rejoiced to meet him. So, this woman, this concubine, this wife, leaves her husband and runs back to her father's house. And the Bible says in verse number four, and his father-in-law, the damsel's father, retained him. And he abode with him three days so that he'd eat and drink and lodge there. And he came to pass on the fourth day when they arose early in the morning that he rose up to depart. And the damsel's father said unto his son-in-law, Comfort thine heart with a morsel of bread, and afterward go your way. So, look at, you know, he apparently doesn't, a series of events starts here where it's kind of obvious that the father-in-law, so that the daughter has run home to her father and has left her husband. And her husband comes and he comes to the father's house where his wife is, his concubine is, and you know, he's trying to bring her back. And the father clearly doesn't want to let her go.  Look at verse number six. And he sat down and did eat and drink both of them together. For the damsel's father, said unto the man, Be content, I pray thee, and tarry all night, and let thine heart be merry. And when the man rose up to depart, his father-in-law urged him, therefore he lodged there again.  He clearly doesn't want his daughter to leave here. Look at verse number eight. And he arose early in the morning on the fifth day to depart. And the damsel's father said, Comfort thine heart, I pray thee, and tarry, and he tarried, they tarried until afternoon. They hung out until afternoon, and they did eat both of them. And when the man rose up to depart, he and his concubine and his servant, his father-in-law, the damsel's father, said unto him, Behold, now the day draweth toward evening, I pray you tarry all night, behold, the day groweth to the end, lodge here, that thine heart may be merry, and tomorrow get you early on your way, that thou mayest go home. But the man would not tarry that night, but he rose up and departed, and came over to Jebus, which is Jerusalem, and there were with him two asses saddled. His concubine was also with him.  He's like, I'm not doing this another night. He's like, I have to go. So he decides to leave. But it's important to note that he leaves in the evening. He leaves towards night time. So he's, you know, most of the time when you're going to travel, you would get up early, and you would travel during the daylight hours.  But this guy leaves towards the evening, and that kind of begins this series of unfortunate events, if you want to call it that, to be, you know, to say the least. Look at verse 11. And then whereby Jebus, the day was far spent, and the servant said unto his master, Come, I pray thee, and let us turn into this city of the Jebusites, and lodge in it. And his master said unto him, We will not turn aside hither into the city of a stranger that is not of the children of Israel. We will pass over to Givia. So here they were in this area that was not part of, you know, the, or the children of Israel's one of the tribes, and he didn't want to stay in the country of a stranger, of the heathen. So he wanted to stay in, which kind of gives you an idea as we read the rest of the story on how far things have fallen in this society. I mean, if the children of Israel, the Benjamites, were where they were in this story, where were the people outside? You know, what were those cities like? Because we can see that this city was, was pretty far gone. Look at verse 12. So he says, we're going to go and we're going to find a city of our brethren. Okay, verse 12. And his master said unto him, Verse 13, sorry, and his servant, he said unto his servant, Come, and let us draw near to one of these places to lodge all night in Givia or in Rama. And they passed on and went their way. And the sun went down upon them when they were by Givia, which belonged to Benjamin. So now they're just north of Judah in Benjamin.  And they turned aside the other to go in and lodge in Givia. And when he went in, he sat him down in the street of the city, for there was no man that took them into his house to lodge. So it was either, it was either, you know, it was typical that they would bring in strangers or they would bring in travelers into the house. But at this point, it was either too late at this point, or it was just not a friendly place. And we kind of find out what was going on in this place in a few verses. But basically, they get into the city, it's dark, and they basically sit down on the street because nobody invites them into their house. So Verse 16, and behold, there came, so here they are, they're in the dark and they're on the street in this city of Givia, which is of the Benjamites. It's a city of the tribe of Israel, of one of the tribes of the children of Israel. So it's not like, it's not like they're out in a Canaanite city here, they're actually in a city that is of one of the 12 tribes of Israel. They're in, they're in Benjamin, it's just north of Jerusalem, okay? So this kind of gives you an idea, just picture this on where this nation had, had found itself at this point in history in Judges Chapter 19. Look at Verse 16. And behold, there came an old man from his work out of the field at even, which was also of Mount Ephraim, I mean he's, he's so darned in Givia, he stayed there, but the men of the place were Benjamites. So this man, he's coming from, coming home late from work and he sees these, these people, he sees this, this man, his servant and his wife staying in the street in Verse 17. And when he had lifted up his eyes, he saw a wayfaring man, wayfaring means a traveling man. It means a man who's traveling a lot of times on foot, you know, a traveling man. In the street of the city, and the old man said, wither go us thou and whence come us thou. He says, where are you going and where did you come from? He's basically shocked to see them there, okay? He's, you know, he's, he's basically kind of saying to them, clearly you're not from around here, okay? So he says this to the, to the guy and the, the Levite says back and he said unto him, we are passing from Bethlehem Judah toward the side of Mount Ephraim. From thence I am and I went to Bethlehem Judah but I am now going to the house of the Lord and there is no man that receiveth me to house. Yet there is both straw and provender for our asses and there is bread and wine also for me and for that handmaid and for the young man which is thy, which is with thy servants. There is no want of anything. So he basically says, we're heading back to Jerusalem. He said we're heading back to Jerusalem. He says, but you know, no one, no one brought us in. He's like, but we have everything we need here. He's like, we have food, we have drink. He's like, we have straw for the, the animals. He's like, we're fine. We don't need anything. You know, he's basically saying thank you. Thank you for asking. All right, look at verse 20. And the old man said, peace be with thee. House however, let all thy wants lie upon me only lodge not in the street. Turn to Ephesians chapter five. So this guy, this guy knows, okay, this guy knows the state of this city. And at this point, I mean, at this point in Judges chapter 19 verse number 20, it kind of starts to read like a horror story.  This guy is saying, you know, it's dark now. These people are in the street. He's like, hey, hey, but just, you just don't stay here. You can't stay here. Just come with me. Just come with me. Let's get out of the street because he knows that there's something wrong here. Look at Ephesians chapter five and verse number 11. It's dark. It's dangerous. The Bible says in Ephesians five, 11 and have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them for is a shame to speak of those things which are done of them in secret. So Ephesians five, 11 is saying that evil things, wicked things, we're not supposed to have anything to do with them, but I like how it points out the fact that many times evil, wicked things are done in the dark. Evil with wicked things, evil, wicked people, they come out in the dark. And you think about where evil, wicked things happen even in this world that we live in today. It's in the dark. You think about places where you would go, you know, casinos, bars, nightclubs, whatever you want to call it. You know, it's why are they always dark? Why so dark? Why so dark all the time? But here it's dark. There's evil, wicked people. It's a bad combination. It's a bad combination of things. Go back to Judges chapter 19.  I mean, it's not even close. There's not even a close second in my opinion. We're going to talk about why that is, but look at verse number 21. So this man gets them off the street. He takes them off the street and he brought them into his house and gave provender unto the asses. He gave them, you know, food and he's taking care of the animals and they washed their feet and did eat and drink. Now, verse 22, as they were making their hearts merry, behold the men of the city. Certain sons of Belial, underline that in your Bible, sons of Belial, beset the house round about and beat at the door and spake to the master of the house, the old man saying, bring forth the man that came into thine house that we may know him. Now, I'm not going to, I don't have time for the sermon tonight to explain what, you know, to go through the Bible study of what it means to, you know, that we may know him, but basically the Bible speaks of that, of, you know, physical relations between, you know, a man and his wife. It's a, it's a physical, you know, relationship if you know what I'm saying. Okay, so that's what these men are, they're saying, they're surrounded the house, they're beating at the door and they spoke to the master of the house saying, so they're men of the city saying, bring us the man that came so we may know him. These were sodomites outside the door. These were wicked sodomites outside the door and the Bible calls them sons of Belial here. What does that mean? Turn to 2nd Corinthians chapter 6. Sons of Belial. Look at 2nd Corinthians chapter 6 and verse number 15. 2nd Corinthians chapter 6 and verse number 15. Let's look at what this, this sons of Belial means before we continue with the story. Look at verse 15 of 2nd Corinthians chapter 6. The Bible says this, and what concord hath Christ with Belial? Or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? So Belial is used as a synonym for Satan in the Bible. It means the same thing. They're talking about the same person. So he's saying in Judges chapter 19 that these were sons of Satan or sons of the devil is what it's talking about. Turn to 2nd Samuel chapter 23. The phrase comes up several times in the Bible. We'll look at a few of them. But what does that mean? So these were sons of Satan.     What does that mean? Look at 2nd Samuel chapter 23. Look at verse number 5. The Bible says, although my house be not so with God, yet he hath made me an everlasting covenant, ordering in all things, and sure, for this is all my salvation and all my desire, although he make it not to grow. But the sons of Belial shall be all of them as thorns, underline this in your Bible, thrust away. As thorns thrust away because they cannot be taken with hands, thrust away. So the sons of Belial, in verse number 5, it is talking about salvation or somebody that is saved. In verse number 6, it says, but these sons of Belial are like thorns that are thrust away, kind of like rejected. Okay, so they are something that has been rejected or thrust away, kind of like given up, gave up, given over, gave them over. These people were rejected by God. Turn to 1 Samuel chapter 2. 1 Samuel chapter 2. So the first point I want to make about the sons of Belial is that they have been rejected by God. They've been thrust away by God. You say, prove it. Turn to 1 Samuel chapter 2. 1 Samuel chapter 2. And look at verse number 12. I'll prove it to you right here. Eli had certain sons and they were considered, they were called sons of Belial in the Bible. So the Bible says this in verse number 12.  Now what does that mean? They knew not the Lord. So first of all, it means that they were not saved. So in verse number 12, they are called sons of Belial and it says, they knew not the Lord, which means they were not saved. We say, well, they could get saved. They could get saved. Okay, let's keep reading. Go down to verse number 25.  They knew not the Lord, meaning they were not saved. Verse 25. If one man sinned against another, the judge shall judge him. But if a man sinned against the Lord, who shall entreat for him? Notwithstanding, they harken not under the voice of their father. So in between verse 12 and verse 25, Eli tries to correct his sons. They're doing wicked things. They're stealing from people. They're committing fornication with people. I mean, they're priests and they're committing fornication with the people at the temple. They're doing these wicked things. The Bible calls them sons of Belial. They were not saved. But maybe God wanted them to get saved. But look at the end of verse 25. Notwithstanding, they harken not under the voice of their father. Imagine that. Sons of Belial and they didn't listen to the godly advice of their father and why? Why? Notice it doesn't say, therefore the Lord would slay them. Notice it doesn't say that. It says they harken not under the voice of their father because the Lord would slay them. Do you see the deal was sealed with these men? Sons of Belial are people that are thrust away. They're rejected. They're not only not saved, but the Lord does not want them saved. The Lord has given them up, has given them over. Look, you will see this. You will see this. Turn to John chapter 12. You will see this out soul winning. But let's go to John chapter 12. And look at verse number 40. I mean the Bible, I mean so you have a certain group of people, these sons of Belial, that the Lord, they're not saved and God doesn't want them saved. It's too late for them. It's over at that point. They're sons of Belial. Because the Lord would slay them. They didn't listen to the voice of their father because the Lord would slay them. Look, they were done. It was too late. Look at John chapter 12 and verse number 40. The Pharisees, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus himself talked about the Pharisees in the same manner also. Look at verse 40 of John chapter 12. Look, talking about the Pharisees as though he didn't want them to understand. He didn't want them to be saved. I mean they were done to him. You say prove it. Look at verse 40. John 12. He had blinded their eyes. Did I say their eyes were blinded? He blinded their eyes. Why would he do that? He had blinded their eyes and hardened their heart. He blinded their eyes and he hardened their heart. That they should not see with their eyes nor understand with their heart. Why? Because they might be converted. That's why. So let me read the whole thing for you. He had blinded their eyes and hardened their heart that they should not see with their eyes nor understand with their heart and be converted and I should heal them. He said, look, I hardened their heart. I blinded them because I don't want them to be converted and I don't want them to be healed. It's too late for them. So it can get to a point with people where it's too late for them. Where it's too late and the sons of Belial, that is describing people that have been beyond that point. They cannot be saved. Go back to Judges chapter 19. You will see this out soul winning. You will see this out soul winning. This is why you need to be a soul winner. So you can understand the world you're living in. I mean not only because you're supposed to and it's a command from God. But look, you want to understand the world you're living in? You've got to become a soul winner.  And look, we don't discriminate because quite frankly when I moved to California I couldn't tell. I thought half the men here were homos.  I mean you can't tell. So we just give the gospel to anybody. We don't have to worry about it because look, they're not going to believe. I can't tell you how many times I've seen it. We've reached the gospel to everybody. They're not going to believe. They can't. They can't believe.  Become a soul winner. You'll see it again and again. Turn it back to Judges chapter 19. So we see these sons of Belial. They're reprobates. They're rejected by God. They're rejected by God. Look at verse 23. Look at verse 23. And the man, so they've asked, they said, bring the man out to us. They said, bring the man out to us that we may know him. And the man, the master of the house, went out unto them and said unto them, Nay, my brethren. Nay, I pray you. He's saying no. Do not so wickedly, seeing that this man has come into my house. Do not this folly. Now look, I want to point out the word folly. Underline that in your Bible. Turn to Deuteronomy chapter 22. Or you turn to Joshua chapter 7. I'll just read for you Deuteronomy chapter 22 for sake of time. Then they shall bring out Deuteronomy chapter 22 and verse 21. Every single time, so what did we preach about Sunday morning? Not all sin is equal. Not all sin is equal in the eyes of God. It's a false doctrine easily proven from the Bible. Easily disproven from the Bible. When you see the word folly in the Bible, we are talking about very serious sin. When you see the word folly. Deuteronomy 22 21. Then shall they bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house. And the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die.  So shall thou put evil away from among you. So here was a woman who committed fornication and wasn't a maiden. And this was the punishment for it. And it's called folly and it was punished by death. Joshua chapter 7, look at verse 15. And it shall be that he is taken with the accursed thing shall be burnt with fire. So he's talking about idol worship. And he in all that he hath because he hath transgressed the covenant of the Lord and because he hath wrought folly in Israel.  Taking things that weren't yours that God said to leave. Look, it's a very serious sin. And it's punished by death here. When it says folly, it's serious. And it's punished by death in the Old Testament. Not all sin is equal. Finally, turn to Romans chapter 1. Romans chapter 1. And before we continue, just let me show you the consistency of the Bible. Before we continue into this story and see what happens in the next few verses, let me show you the consistency of the Bible. Look at Romans chapter 1 in verse number 29. We're talking about people who've been given over, who've been given up, who God gave them over to a reprobate mind. They've been rejected. And we're talking about a description. It talks about homosexuality in the verses before this. But then it gives a much more detailed description of what these sons of Belial, these rejected people are like. Look at verse 29.  That's what God had all started in the beginning. Look, God didn't start this with these people. We know what everybody was given from birth in this earth is a conscience, is the law written in their heart. But haters of God, they hated God and eventually God rejected them. Dispiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things. Disobedient to parents. Without understanding. Covenant breakers. Without natural affection. They're unnatural people. Implacable, unmercable. Implacable means they can't be appeased. Implacable means that that they, it's interesting that Implacable is used there because, you know, Implacable means that they can't be rendered peaceful. That there's no, there's no, hey, let's work this out. You know, like look at what we're going to see in Judges chapter 19. This is what the two men tried to do. They tried to placate the situation. They tried to, you know, appease the situation in a horribly wicked way, we're going to see. But they tried to appease the situation. But they can't be appeased. These sons of Abeliel, they can't be appeased. They can't be satisfied. It's evil that can't be calmed down. It can't be stopped. And what's the last one? Unmerciful. Now let's look and continue reading Judges 19 and see if this story matches with what Romans 1 tells us. Look back at Judges chapter 19 in verse number 24. Look, this is what sons of Abeliel are. This is what reprobates are. They've turned on God and God has turned on them. God has rejected them. Look, and all sodomites are reprobates. We know that from the Bible, because look, it's a sign. It's cause and effect. It's the effect of turning on God. Just one of them. Just one of them. Look at Judges 19 chapter 24 or verse number 24. It's what has happened through the process of Romans 1. Think of Romans 1 as a process that someone has gone through. Someone has chosen to go through in their life. Look at verse 24. Now they're trying to placate the situation, but they're implacable. They're trying to appease. They're trying to stop.  And look at what these men do. Behold, this old man that brings in this stranger, he doesn't even know this man. This is what he says. Here is my daughter, a maiden, meaning she's never been with a man and his concubine.  So now this is really messed up. Now the story is like, look, everything you read in the Bible, just remember, everything that you read in the Bible, this is history, this happened, but it's history not doctrine. This was messed up. This was not right. What was happening here? On both sides. Look at verse 25. But the men would not hearken unto him. Imagine that. They would not be appeased. So the man took his concubine and brought her forth unto them and they knew her and abused her all the night until morning. And the day began to spring, they let her go. Then came the woman in the dawning of the day and fell down at the door of the man's house where her Lord was till it was light. And her Lord rose up in the morning and opened the doors of the house and went out to go his way. And behold, the woman in his concubine, the woman, his concubine, was fallen down at the door of the house and her hands were upon the threshold. And he said unto her, up, let us be going. Nice guy. Nice guy. Can't imagine why she didn't want to stay with him. I mean, what in the world is wrong with this guy? But none answered.  She's dead. They killed her. So they abused her to death in this story, verse 29. And he was come into his house. He took a knife and laid hold on his concubine and divided her together with her bones into twelve pieces and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. What in the world? Turn to 1 Samuel chapter 11. There is, I was looking and there is nothing in the Bible that is close to this. The closest thing I could find was in 1 Samuel chapter 11. 1 Samuel chapter 11. But I mean, this just shows you how messed up things had gotten, how fallen things had gotten in this society, even in Israel, in the children of Israel, the nation of Israel at this time. Look at 1 Samuel chapter 11. But he takes her body, he cuts it into twelve pieces and he sends it to the tribes of Israel. I'll get 1 Samuel chapter 11. The Bible says this. And he took a yoke of oxen and hewed them to pieces and sent them through all that.  And it was this horrible thing that was happening and they sent to Saul for reinforcements. And this is what Saul did. He took a yoke of oxen and hewed them in pieces and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of the messenger saying, whosoever cometh not forth after Saul and after Samuel, so shall it be done unto his oxen. And the fear of the Lord fell on the people and they came out with one consent. So Saul used this as a way to bring an army together, but he cut up some cattle and saying, look, I'm going to cut up all your cattle if you don't come fight for this city. There's no precedent for what this Levite did to his concubine. It was, you know, even turned to Deuteronomy 21. There's no precedent to cut up a person like this. And as a matter of fact, in the Bible, even criminals that were put to death were given a burial. In Deuteronomy chapter 21, look at verse 23. Deuteronomy chapter 21 and verse 23. And if a man hath committed a sin worthy of death and he be put to death, and thou hang him on a tree, this is talking about somebody that you've given the death penalty to and you hung him, his body shall not remain all night upon the tree, but thou shall in any wise bury him that day, for he that is hanged is a cursed of God, that thy land be not defiled, which the Lord thy God giveth thee for an inheritance. So even criminals in, you know, biblical law were to be buried and given a burial. This guy, you know, he's, and look at verse 30 to end off Judges chapter 19. And it was so that all that saw it said, there was no such deed done or seen from the day that the children of Israel came up out of the land of Egypt onto this day. Consider of it, take advice and speak your mind. So in Judges chapter 20, he sends a message saying, that's his way of sending a letter of what happened to his wife is by cutting up her body and sending it to the 12 tribes. You're like, there's no biblical precedent for that. It's messed up in itself, but we see that this man and the old man were far from moral men in the first place. So they were faced with this situation. Judges chapter 20, we'll look at how that the nation of Israel deals with the Benjamites and the men that committed this crime and, you know, the men that committed the crime and the people that support them, by the way. But tonight, what I want to do, as far as application tonight, I want to look at the Levite tonight. I want to look at the man who thrust his wife out the door in this story. Turn to Ephesians chapter five. Turn to Ephesians chapter five, because really, really, I mean, that tells us kind of the depth of the fallen society, because these were the good guys in the story. You know, these were the normal, non-reprobate people in the story. But look, they were far from acting in a biblical manner. Look at Ephesians chapter five in verse 25. The Bible says, husbands love your wives. Okay, so what does that even mean? Love your wives.   You know, what does that mean? Well, it gives us some pretty detailed direction here. It says, even as Christ also loved the church and he gets even more specific and gave himself for it. So look, to be a biblical husband, for this Levite to be a biblical husband, he would have had to have been prepared. And to be a biblical husband, you have to be prepared to sacrifice your life for your wife. I mean, look, and not throw her to the walls. I mean, to me, that is the most disturbing part of this story. I mean, the reprobate part, the sodomite part. I mean, look, reprobates are going to reprobate. I mean, we know the Bible, I mean, that matches with what the Bible says that they will be like. It matches perfectly to Romans chapter one. But this is seriously disturbing with this Levite and the old man. Let's turn to 1 Peter chapter three.   Look at 1 Peter chapter three and verse number seven. And the Bible says, likewise, your husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered. So the question is, if we're supposed to love our wives, love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, turn to John chapter 18. The question is, how did Christ protect the church? How did Christ act towards the church? How does Christ act towards the saved? Look at verse three of John chapter 18. I mean, because there is a situation where Jesus himself, before he died, was actually put in a situation like this. He was put in a situation where he had to make a decision. Look at John 18 verse three. Judas then, so this is Judas coming with the band of soldiers to the garden to arrest Jesus, having received a band of men and officers from the chief priests and Pharisees, come a thither with lanterns and torches and weapons. Jesus, therefore, knowing all things that should come upon him, went forth and said unto them, Whom seek ye? He said, these soldiers and Judas come and Jesus says, who are you after? And they answered him, Jesus of Nazareth. And Jesus said unto them, I am he. And Judas also, which betrayed him, stood with him. So Jesus, they come, they come and they say, we're looking for Jesus. He didn't grab Peter and be like, here he is, it's this guy. You know, that's the Levite, right? He said, it's me. He said, it's me, I am Jesus. He didn't push Peter in front, the disciples in front. So look, we are to protect our families as Christ protected the church and gave himself for it. He died. He went all the way to protect us from hell. So look, go back to Ephesians chapter five. You say, so men are supposed to protect their wives and their families. But look back at Ephesians chapter five. Ephesians chapter five, look at verse 28.  And I'm going to go from easy to hard this evening. We're going to start with the easy stuff. So here's the first one. Here's the easy one.  Men, you young men, you want to get married. You are signing up to protect your future wife from physical danger. Like if someone would want to physically harm them, that's your job to protect that. Look at Ephesians five, 28. So men ought to love their wives as their own bodies. You know how Genesis two says that they became, the two became one flesh? So basically protecting your wife against physical danger is exactly the same biblical rules as self-defense, as protecting yourself.   That's what the Bible says. And you're supposed to protect from that. So I mean, yes, being married means that you may have to protect your family from physical danger men.  I mean, this one seems obvious. I assume that all men would be okay with this. I assume, look, this is when it's okay. This is when it's okay to become a striker.  At that point, I mean, it's easy for me because I just see red and I don't even remember what happened afterwards. It's only happened a couple of times in my life, but it's just like I just kind of like black out and then pretty soon somebody's on the ground. But that's the way you need to be. Okay, that's the way you need to be. Most men, look, but here's the problem. Most men today and we're living in such a comfortable society that quite frankly, we're just getting too soft. You know, the American life, this American male, this American life that we're all living, we're just, we're just too soft. We're like anti-confrontation. We're like anti, but look, there is times when confrontation is necessary, is necessary to protect your wife as you would protect yourself. So that's an easy one. You're like, no problem. No problem. I will have no problem protecting my family against physical danger. You say, this is easy. Sign me up for this sermon. But here's one. This is where men today, here's the second one. Here's where men today are completely falling apart. Here's where Christian men today are completely falling short. Is this the danger?  Are you protecting your families against the danger of influence in their lives? We talk a lot about separation here. I mean separation. You're like, oh, separation again. We talk so much about separation and the importance of it in this church. You know, we have this idea that we should, you know, separate at times separate from friends. We should be separating from certain family. But here's like, what's the separation methodology? Here's, I was talking to one of you the other night about this. Here's the separation methodology. I don't care if they're family. I don't care if they're friends. I don't care how long you've known them. Here's the methodology. Here's your bubble. Here's your family bubble men and I'm talking to the men because this is your job. Here's your bubble. Where do you, where do you draw those lines?  And I'm going to give you two points. I'm going to give you two areas that that influence will come in that you need to protect against. So here's an example for you. Here's an example. Just the other night, Sunday night, we had, you know, look, influence, and I'm telling you, influence is a danger underestimated. It's seriously underestimated. There's two dangers. The first ones are spiritual influence and the second one is just, is the influence, is outside influence. But spiritual influence is, it's, it's, there's a reason for this separation folks. Let me give you an example. The, the other night, Sunday night, we had some visiting kids here and there was just a ton of people in the church and there's all kinds of games going on and there was, you know, teenagers at the piano and teenagers playing table tennis or whatever. And I'm looking around, I'm looking around and I'm seeing the situation and I'm realizing that, you know, there would be, I mean, the kids, if you would ask any of the kids from, from five years old or from two years old all the way up to 20 years old in, in the church that night, I bet you that the majority of them would have told you that they couldn't have possibly had a better time. They were having so much time, fellowshiping and just hanging out, just having a great time at church with their brothers and sisters in Christ. But do you know that there, if there was a kid that came from outside, a 16 year old kid, a 17 year old kid that came from outside that had never been to church before and came into that situation, do you know they wouldn't have fun? Did you know that they wouldn't have fun standing around the piano, you know, singing hymns? They wouldn't have fun, you know, doing that. They would be like this, look, they wouldn't have fun at first. If they got into church and they started, you know, listening to the Bible and they, you know, of course if they got saved and then just started growing in Christ, then they would have fun. But at first, they would not have fun in that situation. You say why? The reason is influence. The reason is the influence that has been had on them in their life. And look, if they were 12 and came in, they wouldn't have fun. You say that's pretty young. Yeah, you would be surprised. And most parents, especially parents of young kids, underestimate the dangers of this influence in their kids' lives. And look, back to who I'm talking to, it's, it, dad, husband, it's your job to protect against this. It is your job. So look, it can happen to Christian kids, it happens all the time, this outside influence. And look, it can come subtly. It can come subtly. So what are the two ways? Just spiritual attacks is the first one. Spiritual attacks. They're subtle. They're subtle. Spiritual attacks. Just look at this, you know, you're, we're big on homeschooling here, right? We're big on homeschooling. And look, you're, that's going to separate you from people when you start homeschooling. You're going to be separate from people. And you're going to deal, you're going to deal, look, your wife is going to deal with attacks because of that. And look, they're not, they're not even going to be the worst ones or the subtle ones. You ever heard of gaslighting? The worst ones are the subtle ones where maybe they just don't mention the achievements of your school program, where maybe there's friends or family that just won't mention the achievements of your children in their education, but they'll mention the achievements of other children. That's called gaslighting. They're these subtle little attacks because look, moms, if, if done right, this homeschooling, this homeschooling will take all your effort. This homeschooling will take all your effort.  If you have two children at home and they're young and you're, and you're bored, you're not doing it right. You're bored. You're like, what am I supposed to do all day? My kids are only four. Look, you're not doing it right. You're not doing it right. You're missing something. You're not doing what you should be doing. But look, if you, once you do get going, and that's going to be a big push for this ministry, is to make sure that this homeschooling is done thoroughly, done properly, and done well. Because we want solid Christian education. I'm big on education. I love it. But here's the thing, if you're doing it with all your heart, and then people just like, don't recognize that, and they're just subtly attacking you. And look, man, you have to watch for this happening with your wife. Because you're going to go through attacks like this.  And if I find somebody attacking my bubble, even in the most subtle gaslighting way, you must stop that. You must get that influence out. Because that is the most important thing that is happening in your family. And she's the weaker vessel, and she needs to be protected by you. It's your job. It's your job. You know, gaslighting is where you could, you know, you see subtle things, and then you call people out, and they're so subtle where they could be like, oh, I didn't even know that, that I was saying, that I was, that I was omitting that achievement of your children, or whatever.  It's like psychological warfare. But you know it's happening. That's going to happen to you. And men, you need to recognize it, and you need to stop it. You need to stop it.  Church, if they start attacking church, it's the same thing.  All these subtle things are super damaging. They're super damaging on your, on your children at a young age. They're damaging. So that's the spiritual attacks. Those are coming, and you need to recognize those men, and you need to protect against them. The next ones are the influential influence, the attacks of influence. Now the obvious ones are like sin, right?   And look, this is pretty easy.  That's pretty easy, right? It's easy to fix. It's easy to fix. It's easy to recognize. Yet many men won't. Why? Many men will, that's just cousin so-and-so. That's just uncle so-and-so. That's just this guy that I've known for however many years. But look, it is the same reason. Your bubble is the same reason we have all these rules in the church. It's the same reason that we can't allow fornication here. It's the same reason that we can't allow drunkenness here. It's the same reason that there's all these rules. It's the same reason I can't have a man in this church that just refuses to work. It just, it can't happen. Why? Because it will, it will influence the church. That's why. Because if I sit up here and I preach that, you know, men should work. And then half the men in the church just don't work. They just collect checks from the government, from the rest of us that are working. I'm a joke. The church becomes a joke. What I'm preaching becomes a joke. It's the same, it's the same thing with you. If we stand up here and we preach separation, we preach all these things, and you just allow this influence into your family, your kids are gonna be like, yeah, I know we go to church and they teach this, but this is how things really work. And they'll realize that when they're five. They'll realize that when they're six. But even subtle things, even subtle things like TV, video games, etc., these are all very damaging things that will change your children. All because, and look, all because men will not protect their families. I mean we're, we're witnessing, we're witnessing, we're witnessing in Judges Chapter 19, we're witnessing a fallen society. And it's just like, it's just like what's happening today. It's a fallen society.  I'm glad that my wife is a more emotional person than me. Because you know what? It balances things out. It's the way it's supposed to be.  But that must be protected. That's where you come in. So look, men today are too weak. The Levite, the old man, they were cowards. And men today, I mean, take my daughter. I mean, are you kidding me? I mean, look, the reason, look, the reason that I focus so much about this, the reason I focus so much on this is because, and look, I don't know, I don't know how I can get this across. We're gonna talk about it a little bit on Sunday morning. We're gonna talk about, you know, kids that just leave the church. Kids that just, I mean, have you ever heard of these kids that were raised in a fundamental church and they just turn on the church? They were raised in a fundamental environment and they just, we're gonna talk about why that happens on Sunday morning and how you can avoid it happening with your children. But the thing I want to get across is this.  But you're not in the clear.  I don't have to worry about things. I mean, most people have very young kids here. Look, they're not too young to be influenced. I don't care how young they are. They are not too young to be influenced. And listen to me, folks, we are playing for all the marbles here because when your kid, when your child is influenced and they grow up to be that 12, that 13-year-old that doesn't want to be in church, that doesn't want to be, that doesn't have fun or doesn't feel, you know, at home with the spiritual things because they've been influenced and they're looking out there and like, oh, but these things, oh, but this, look, there's no joy out there. But they'll be drawn to that.  We're playing for everything and the danger is real and the impressions made on them will not go away. The things that they see will not go away. Your mind is like an endless video recorder. They've done studies on your mind. They don't even know how much data that it can hold. The things your kids see, the things that people say will stick with them. I can remember things that people said to me when I was four years old, five years old. Think about that. All it takes is someone just, hey, look at that. Hey, what do you think about this? I mean, you must protect this situation. Don't be like the Levite. He was only interested in protecting himself. He threw his wife to the wolves. I mean, these, this, this is a lesson. Judges 19 is a messed up story. We're going to talk about how it was dealt with next week, but I want to get across the importance of protecting your family in a fallen society because that is the job that you have tonight. If you are married and especially if you are married and have children, you have this job of protecting your family from a wicked fallen world and the attacks are subtle, but they're real and you're going to deal with them. And unfortunately, people underestimate it and they don't take it seriously, but the stakes are as serious as they can get. Let's bow our heads and have a word of prayer.


Hi everybody and welcome back to another vlog. So today's vlog is going to be all about being a mature student. And for those of you that don't know, I am 35. I know. I don't feel 35. I still feel like I'm in my 20s. It's crazy. But here I am. I was a late starter to university just because life happened. A lot of things happened. I think I've spoke briefly about it in previous vlogs. I'm not going to go too much into detail about it but I was a very late starter and here I am loving life at university. So first things first. If people are telling you you're too old to go to university, if you feel too old to be at university, please erase it, erase it, erase it, erase it. Nobody is too old to do anything in this life. Life is for living and do you know what? You might live until you're 110. You don't know that. If you're in your 50s you're only halfway through that life. Come on. Live it. So no, university isn't just for young people. My university in particular, Birmingham City University is amazing. It's supporting older adults, mature students. It's absolutely fantastic. And just please erase those doubts that you're too old. We've got so many actually quite maybe about half of our cohort. Possibly. I'm trying to judge it in my head now because some people I don't know how old they are but I'm going to guess half of my cohort are over 30. We've got people in their 50s, we've got people in their 40s, 30s and then we've got the people that are sort of 20s. I don't know if there's any 18, 19 year old. I'm not sure. It's just amazing. They are doing fantastic. The people in their 50s are doing amazing. They are smashing this course. Yeah. So please if you are in your 50s or 40s just debate on whether to go to university, do it. Just do it. So for me personally, I'm not married. I don't live with my partner. I live in a shared house. I am very much estranged from my family. As some of you may know, my mother passed away. I've never met my biological dad. But my dad that I call, my dad who's amazing, lives in Liverpool and he struggles to feed himself, let alone to even help me. So I am completely on my own with this degree financially and do you know what? I've coped all right. I've done well I think and I think the key to coping well when you've got rent to pay, bills to pay, loans to pay, phones to pay, all of that, books and stationary and everything for you need. Let's not forget that. Oh my god. But I think the key to doing that is you need to prioritise your workload. You need to prioritise physical work to get money as well on the side of the degree and you really need to organise your time and just do that wisely so that you've got enough money to keep you going throughout this degree. Because let's face it, it's horrendous. It's not funded and all the new students are having to pay yourselves to work basically in theory. But actually as new students you do get more than I get right now. So I get around in total with my bursary and student loan combined. I get around 7,000, 7 and a half thousand a year. I know who can even live on that. But I think with the new system you get a little bit more but it does depend on your circumstances if you've got children, if you're married, you live with parents, all of that jazz. So please look into that for yourselves and work out your own financial situations and your own budgeting and all of that. This is just me, my own personal circumstances and I'm just going to run through sort of how I cope and how I've managed and I'll probably tell you my bills. I'm not ashamed to tell you all of my bills. It's fine. So I live, I don't have my own place. I live in a shared accommodation. I have amazing housemates who I love to bits and we all get on. Luckily I've landed myself really well with that which is amazing. I pay £360 and that includes all of my bills included which is much cheaper than living in halls. So if you're weighing up living in halls or getting your own place, have a look around. Don't just jump straight into halls, please have a look around.  You want to experience halls and university life then go for it but it is that little bit more expensive. So for me I have my rent, I have my phone bill, I've got an old loan that I'm paying off still. I've got my credit cards, I know it's horrendous but they're there unfortunately. I also pay for my Apple music because I need that in my life obviously. I also have Amazon Prime which is absolutely amazing. Amazon Prime, we get student discount, have a look at it. I've also got Netflix and I think everything just combined into one, all these little tiny bits of payments that I've got that I probably could cut out but if it comes to that point that I need to cut them out I will but they're my little luxuries that I add on so I keep them. So for now I think my total outgoings, this does not include travel and food is around £770 a month. I know £770 that is horrendous, that's a lot. When I sat down and I thought okay I need to figure this out and work out what I actually pay out completely so that I can let you guys know. And to be fair I do keep a document but then there's new things that I hadn't added on yet which I've added on now and it is £770 which is shocking. Yes and my incomeings for the month with the bursary and the student loan combined I get around 650 something a month so I need to physically pay well work to pay the extra £100 to pay my physical bills. That's not including travel and food like I said and general living so what I do is I do all of my bank shifts, all of my work or through my annual leave so I work just as much as possible from my annual leave which no it's not ideal but I have to do it to live so yeah nursing has to come first. So I work all of my annual leave and then when I'm at university I will pick up so if I'm only in university for two days a week I will work for the other few days of the week and just pick up the extra money there. I try not to work when I'm on placement just because I'm very cautious of how much we're doing out there on placement. All of the hours that we have to do I don't want to overdo it and burn myself out so I try and avoid that. So I managed to luckily manage to get enough money together to cover me for all of that and I can live comfortably off of that. I do have to budget, I buy things like rice and bulk, pasta and bulk, all sort of tinned soups and things. I buy frozen veg, I buy everything oh and tubs of sauces I've got actually a whole rack of spices as well which is amazing because they last forever so if I want to make a rice dish I've got all the spices there and I can just make it together so I'm not forking out for sauces and things all of the time but I do also have backup sauces just in case I fancy a change and I'm lazy but yeah so that's the way I do it. I book by everything and make sure I've got enough things to make my dinners and eat and live and I really really really do budget with things like that. I will always look for bargains, on groupon, on line vouchers for dominoes and things if I'm going to eat out I will I'll be really really strict with myself like that but I'm also okay with treating myself every now and then that's okay too as long as I've got the money to do that. Anyway moving on from the money side because this is going to be 101 hours long if you want any more advice or anything just let me know I can talk to you privately whatever let me know and I'll talk to you about it. So yeah so moving on as a mature student though I did my access course back in 2012 so I've been out of school for all of that time five years I didn't know I completely forgot about Harvard referencing and all of that I completely forgot physiology I know is horrendous so I was starting I felt like I was starting university with a fresh pair of eyes and it was really daunting and I felt my first few sessions of physiology there was so many people in the room that were putting their hands up and they were answering the question I was like how do you even know this how do you know this and I'm sat there like oh god I need to revise and you do kind of feel like that to start with but once you get into it and once you start revising and reading up on things you're going to be amazing I promise you I like I've said before in previous vlogs I'm not academic I left school with no GCSEs nothing hadn't been in a classroom for five years because that's how long ago my access course was and first year I smashed first year I oh god like all of my grades were 80s 90s and I think you will find that everything everyone will find that as well in first year your grades will be up there and then when you get to third year they sort of dip a bit my grades have dipped a lot in third year which is unfortunate but I've passed it doesn't matter I've passed either way but what my point was was that if I can do this anyone can do this because I'm not academic I have never been academic it is really daunting and to start with I knew I felt like a new nutting I didn't know anything especially with the physiology and essay writing side and things like that so for me I found it okay I genuinely find it okay as long as you put in the work and the revision at home do loads of independent study you're going to be amazing and please please please don't worry about any academic side of things because you can do this if I can do it and actually there's quite a few people in that class in our cohort as well that are exact same boat that haven't been in school for 20 years maybe and they can do it and they have successfully successfully passed this course and done this course and they're getting really high grades as well so please don't think that you're going to be too stupid or you're doubting yourself or feeling unconfident about the academic side because you're going to smash it there's so much help out there for you as well you've got your library you've got your personal development departments you've got your personal tutors you've got your module leads you can have one-to-one tuition please don't think that you're alone in this because you will have all of the support at university as well as your friends that you're going to make at university and it's a massive massive help and one of the other things I wanted to mention as well is about making friends as a major student I know that might sound weird but I think for me things were so much easier when I was younger because I was so much more confident I would go up and speak to anybody I wouldn't care what I was saying I'd be like hi how are you I'm you yay let's go be my friend please wow people also really hated me when I was younger but anyway I'm not like that now and people often question oh my god you do vlogs you're you're like really outgoing you're confident no I'm not this is me in my room on my own talking to people that I can't see the whites of the eyes so it's very very different for me and when I first started university it was a bit like get your head down don't speak to anyone don't know anybody just get down do your work don't worry about it and there was a couple of occasions I think I've said this previously in a vlog but I'm just going to repeat this just in case you didn't catch it or didn't watch that vlog there was a couple of times I tried to make friends I won't mention the people's names because I do speak to those people now they're not in my group but I do know them and we do speak but they're in our year but not my group so I tried to speak to two people in class and I was like yes I made a friend I made a friend I made a friend yes I've spoken to someone and they just sort of got up and left and didn't say bye and I was like oh I don't have any friends and I was gutted I was like oh today's not the day I'm not making friends today and I think oh god I feel myself going red thinking about it and um and I think after that I was just like do you know what I'm just not going to speak to anyone I'm just going to keep going with my work because I'm really bad at making friends and luckily it was my I don't think she'll mind me saying this but it was my friend Emma and I was in the Costa Que getting a coffee and I remember her just coming up to me and be like do you want to come and sit with us and I was like yes I've got a friend and it was just so good um it's making me emotional thinking about this because I'm coming to the end oh my god why am I so emotional do you know what so as you know we've just had our final week at university and I've been waiting for it to hit me and um and yeah I've been waiting for it to hit me and it hasn't hit me and I thought this is really strange because it's my final week at university I should be sad I should be really upset like why am I not emotional about this oh there it is I'm emotional um yeah I need to sort this out I'm gonna ruin my makeup I've got the health and social care awards today and I'm doing a vlog before it sorry anyway it's really emotional thinking about when I first started and how far have come and what amazing friends I've made um so I think my point was I think was you will make friends um please don't worry about that you're gonna make amazing friends and they will be your friends for life wow I did not expect that that came out nowhere okay move on so um yes you will make friends who will be your friends for life and just please don't worry about that because you will feel really daunting it will feel really daunting to start with and you'll feel like oh my god I'm not gonna make friends I'm older I'm not gonna get on with people is everyone gonna be too young that might be another worry but actually no there's so many mature students in nursing you are gonna be really shocked that was one thing that shocked me I thought because I was thinking the same I thought it's gonna be all young people there's not gonna be anyone my own age and actually everyone is in the same boat and there's a really nice mixture of younger and mature students and it's really nice and those younger students are really mature I know the ones in our cohort the younger ones are really mature they've got the headscrewed on and they're going to be amazing nurses so that's really really nice to see as well that you can get on with everybody so please don't worry about that you will make your friends they're going to be your friends for life it's going to make you emotional when you come to the end but yeah don't worry but just all in all just wanted to say please don't worry if you're a mature student you're going to be fantastic academically work balance life you will be okay and you will get into that routine of doing things and you'll just adjust eventually and it will take a few months I'm not gonna lie to you it took me good three four months to get into it and to adjust to uni life and all of that but once you get into it is absolutely amazing and you will not regret making the decision to go into nursing whatever age you are just do it because it's the most amazing reward in career it's been the most amazing journey and you're going to absolutely love it and I just wanted to say on a final note if you are struggling if you need any help if you need any advice please please please contact me my inbox is literally always open it doesn't matter where you're from who you are what your struggles are please message me and if I can help in any way at all I don't know all the answers obviously nobody knows all the answers but if I can help in any way I will and if I can't help I will at least try and signpost you to somebody or something that can help you and just hopefully you're gonna be okay but my inbox is open on Instagram Twitter Facebook emails YouTube anywhere you want to contact me please just contact me and yeah so I just want to say if you are a mature student and you're going into nursing in September good luck I'm really excited please please please document your journey please blog about it tweet about it Facebook it put pictures and everything everywhere because it's really nice to keep those memories that's my last ever tip for this video and it's just amazing to look back at and I really want to follow your journey as well so please let me know if you've started blogging vlogging tweeting Facebook in anything please let me know so I can follow your journey because it's so nice to see and if I can help I will like I said so yeah so that is it from me I will see you all next week I'm not a hundred percent sure what video is going to be next week it'll be surprise yay but hopefully it won't be a mess like this one so have a great week everybody and I shall see you next Sunday


The first four poems I'm going to be reading are from my first full-length collection. It's coming out from Nomadic Press. I read this down in 2017 called Cradles. And they're from a section titled Blackfish in that collection, White Whale. We have soft spots for ugly fruit, but the outline in the fruit patch is human-shaped. Boy sleeps lightly powdered, a sweet mouth, ants crawling through his tangled locks. When he awakes, he feels half-drowned, like that osprey in the river, the one that wanted something bright pulled from the back of its throat. A dark intimacy, these bird feathers and blood stains smeared over their bedsheets. These fingers slick with juice. Police said, Boy caught a bullet like he was reaching for it. But these days, Boy rises and Boy rises again, Lazarus turning her hands over in the flower. Her palms are twin doves, unwrung necks. Boy pushes his body through the breadcrumbs, cinnamon salt, pushes one dry, white thumb straight into the middle of his chest until the seed dips into his heart, candied walnut. He licks the wet sugar from his fingers before they dry, fruit peeled by fingernail or by knife, same song in the same skin, asleep in the oven.  Mother says, having children is like painting in reverse. First, you have all these possibilities. Then you are left where you began. She keeps a small bowl by the bed to catch the blood, paint at the corner of her eyes, white lips. Boy bites into the fruit and tastes the metal. The power going right out of his lungs, dreams where the sailboats are coming back, a gray color exhaling. On the second day, boy closes his eyes. On the third day, boy rises and boy rises again, knots. Call him Ishmael. Tell him a black body is not a white whale, and see if he believes you. You can neglect this one until it grows. Chinese evergreen, pothos on the roof. How the boy spit out all the coins he swallowed, so the boatman wouldn't get them. Tell him it's the bus man here. Tell him your phones won't work this far out into the field. How over there in the burnt succulent patch, a black man sat and drank water until he died. Clawed fingers hooked in his two-pale bird chest. Tell him a black body is not a white whale. Tell him and see if he believes you. It's the next two or newer. But they're also kind of about, I guess, fear in different ways about things I'm afraid of. This one's called Mixed Media 2010.  You know this, but can't help it. Suit your memory. A cut that won't bleed. Skin stitched around impulse. The pills turn your spit blue. One to see the sunrise. One to bask in sunset. One to die. One to be reborn. One to die again. Our mouths hang, watering, addicted. And we are only trying to leave our father's faces out of it, our hands and our skin. Somehow, we never talk about how what's underneath the skin is more skin, how the truth about anything is more of something else. Dear gods on pearl banisters. Dear bodies that only exist in corners. Dear truth, you can't headlight and meet straight on. Since childhood, I've confused having money with being in love. And I've been trying real hard to leave all of my itches alone, my leuson, necromancy.  The kind that covers lake beds in a certain type of light. These are violences without definitions. Broken mirrors that see 16 ways. When what we eat does not flake or fall out of our mouths or get lost to the insects, blood streaked necks. And we are just trying to make sense of the shapes the liquid leaves. Those hymns we used to hum but never actually sing. The throat, a gown of perfect skin, a corset of veins. Words pushed through the bottle one at a time. The boy's thumb plucks, and now the feathers fold in like red leaves. Proof of injury without puncture. Proof of body still knows how to sing. The sudden poetry of presence, once explaining God, you put a goose neck first into my hands and told me to be careful. Now we know the wonder of rapture, thick as the blush of evening between the trees. Now we know to celebrate sounds of survival and not only sounds of war. I mean, this is what we wish to know. I mean, in this city, we are anonymous, pressing our heads to the glass, watching for the first time, pigeons flying from above, remembering on Hudson Street, the barber shaving us down to our skulls, beanies and burnt mellows on the beach, fire dying, light leaving, but no verbs yet for darkness, how we had prayed and when we prayed, only prayed by accident. So I have one more. It's for my mom. This was kind of somber right now. Sorry. Yeah, so this is dedicated to my mom. It's called kinsijie, scar on the knuckle from a hand caught in a car door, scar on the temple from trying to excise God with a paper clip, scar on the lip from being hit for pretending to stick my hands in the garbage disposal. Look ma, no thumbs. I find a picture of my mother's father sitting and smiling on the motorcycle that killed him. And I want to ask her about her childhood, but I don't. Antiseptic and plastic, skin scrubbed clean, now she is a bird, breakneck, spooned throat, cough syrup burning her lips, suddenly suspicious of everything. I promise and promise until I forget what I am promising. The gospel of roses, gentle allocation of goodness, everything is relative. The butter-colored pills I slip into her tired mouth, the spongy taste and apology leaves, the way she chews, and I touch a throb fading against her throat, soft nut of my knuckle pressed to her cheek, the gentle touch of a person who really doesn't know how, but how I love these two, her long puppy yawns, the way milk dries over her lip.